Amy Schumer

[0] Hello everybody.

[1] Welcome to armchair expert.

[2] We have a very exciting guest on today.

[3] Very special lady.

[4] Powerful lady.

[5] Brilliant, funny, hysterical lady.

[6] Michelle Obama.

[7] No, it's close.

[8] Amy Schumer.

[9] Oh, so close.

[10] Very close.

[11] And she was kind enough to let us come to her apartment in New York while we were in town.

[12] Coming live shows, which was a very nice thing for her to do.

[13] She's very busy human being.

[14] And she invited us in, yeah.

[15] You never know what you're going to get when you invite us into your home.

[16] No, we could bring poop in.

[17] We could.

[18] Wobby Wob could be a serial killer.

[19] They don't know.

[20] Yeah.

[21] I don't know if he is or not.

[22] I don't know.

[23] TBD.

[24] Now listen, on a serious note, if you listen to this entire episode, towards the end of this conversation, Amy and I have, at least in my memory, a pretty tense exchange.

[25] And I don't really want to clear it up here.

[26] But I really urge you if you do listen to the whole thing, stay tuned for the fact check because I'm going to report an update on how we handled that after the interview.

[27] So please enjoy the ever -talented Amy Schumer.

[28] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now.

[29] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[30] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[31] You know, as I was pulling up here to just start off on the making it about me foot, she'll find to be a recurrent theme.

[32] Thank God.

[33] Rob, will you make me a little louder?

[34] Yeah, I love hearing my own voice.

[35] Couldn't you see.

[36] Love it.

[37] Couldn't be loud enough.

[38] It's so weird because when I orgasm, it's my voice that's making me orgasm.

[39] It's the sound.

[40] Absolutely.

[41] I don't know if you saw baby mama, but without exposing where you live.

[42] Are you pulling back the curtain on this?

[43] I just outside here is where I scream, my girl does not rocks.

[44] Big part of why we moved here.

[45] Big part.

[46] Oh, yeah.

[47] Oh, God.

[48] We said it was right there.

[49] Are you sure?

[50] Can you prove it?

[51] We'll take it.

[52] We'll take it.

[53] I only bring that up because as I pulled up here, I was like, oh, I haven't been here since that moment.

[54] So this is really triggering for you.

[55] It's really triggering.

[56] I'm waiting for Tina Fey to.

[57] She lives around here.

[58] I'll tell her address right on the air I don't give a thought She's had it too good for too long That's right, it's about time someone Put her on blast I know her code too to get up Yeah let's all include that Is an addendum You just tell the doormand you have coke That's the code If you guys don't know Tina's a big coke head Yeah How else would you explain the productivity?

[59] I mean right Yeah I think it's pretty self -evident At this point Yeah Like it's aggressive Can I just first say, I think you look so cute right now.

[60] That's so funny.

[61] Thank you.

[62] I woke up one second ago.

[63] Well, that's kind of obvious.

[64] Yeah, that's part of the cute factor.

[65] But I just really just am smiling looking at you.

[66] It's giving me a happiness.

[67] You're very much of a cutie.

[68] Thank you so much.

[69] Yeah.

[70] Do you feel the tomb on a couple?

[71] I do.

[72] It makes you smiling.

[73] You're glowing.

[74] Can you describe my outfit a little bit and my hair for?

[75] Yeah, well, I think it'd be easiest as a shortcut to say if you've seen Joe Piscophoffod in the late 80s, you're basically wearing one of his outfits.

[76] Oh, yeah.

[77] You're six years younger than me. Are you old enough to remember when Joe Piscopo went from a comedian to Loufrey.

[78] Crazy.

[79] Yeah, I do remember that.

[80] That was heartbreaking.

[81] It's hard to like, because I still enjoy seeing clips of him, you know.

[82] Yeah, before he looked like Conan the Barbarian.

[83] Yeah.

[84] It was interesting because I was, I was confused because I'm also a boy and I love muscles.

[85] sure so part of me is like you wanted to give it up for the muscles piscopo doing and then the other part is me like I'd love to have guns like that I know but you know it's like honestly this is a great and here can I make this about me really quick thank you um when I see someone like even like Ben Stiller how they're like jacked I'm like I don't need you to be jacked like that is a waste of your time and energy for my experience like forget about how he feels so anytime I've thought about like should I just really get it together I'm like No, people don't need that from me. That's what I tell myself.

[86] Right.

[87] Although you are wearing athletic gear.

[88] No, no, I'm an athlete.

[89] Like, I feel strong, but I'm, you know, I don't try to lose weight.

[90] But can I suggest a double standard to you?

[91] Because one time I bumped into a very famous comedian and I had gotten in really good shape for this silly movie.

[92] Kristen and I did.

[93] And he said, like, he's like, bro, don't get in shape.

[94] Like, comedians don't get in shape.

[95] I love that.

[96] But here's what I realize.

[97] No, but interesting you'd say that because I realize there's a double standard because black comedians can get a great shape.

[98] Yeah, like Chappelle is kind of jacked these days.

[99] Fucking Eddie Murphy was completely ripped and was like a sex symbol in his leather out suit, pantsuit.

[100] Sure.

[101] Right.

[102] He was partying all the time.

[103] Yeah.

[104] And Will Smith.

[105] I think the sirens kind of add the atmosphere.

[106] I like it.

[107] Yeah, they give a little something.

[108] Let's not hold.

[109] But isn't that interesting, though, that like black.

[110] Like dudes are free to be cool and comedians and be hot and sexy.

[111] But still, I think like Chappelle, who's one of my really good friends, doesn't need to be, like, strong like that.

[112] You know, if he wants to do that for his life, but as a performer, I'm like, he could have, like, little spaghetti arms.

[113] I wouldn't feel any differently.

[114] It's not additive, as we would say.

[115] Just fully immediately judging people's bodies, especially good bodies, as we don't approve.

[116] I don't approve.

[117] Well, I was going to wait to much deeper in this.

[118] talk about this but um we're here we're here yeah we're here so follow the river i got occasionally i'll get very fired up about something i see in the news wow it's i like to say it's it's rare because i try to not give a shit you want to feel good i do i don't i don't want to take on a bunch of weird stuff no i found myself irrationally irate when your movie came under i feel pretty yes when it was and i don't even know that i understand that's nice I appreciate that.

[119] If I understand it correctly, what I remember reading was like, how dare she act like she's representing someone who's marginalized for their figure or their looks?

[120] Sure.

[121] Is that kind of the critique?

[122] Was that?

[123] Yeah.

[124] Yeah.

[125] Like, she, oh, this is the picture.

[126] They were like, she's supposed to be so ugly.

[127] But it's like, that's not what the movie was.

[128] Right.

[129] Also, it's just like, I thought what you did was such an awesome thing.

[130] Again, if I understand it correctly, it was like you ultimately decide how attractive you are.

[131] Yeah, it's up to you.

[132] We see people every day who are vile looking who feel like awesome to the point where you're confused.

[133] It's an old Chris Rock joke, right?

[134] Yeah, I don't remember it.

[135] There was a very old one where he said, like, I love black women going to a club because it doesn't matter how big they are.

[136] They're like, I have some good pussy in this dress.

[137] And I'm going out.

[138] Yes.

[139] Do you remember that?

[140] Yeah.

[141] The whole thing.

[142] This movie should have just been like about black women.

[143] Well, no, it should have just been called.

[144] I have good pussy.

[145] Yeah.

[146] Yeah, exactly.

[147] That's what I was telling myself while we were shooting in the scenes.

[148] But I thought this is such a step forward that you are the lead and that's the message.

[149] Yeah, it's a big deal.

[150] I'm in like a bikini in one scene like dancing around.

[151] And it wasn't you don't see that.

[152] Far enough for you guys.

[153] Yeah.

[154] It just was like you can never.

[155] win.

[156] It made me feel like you can't fucking win.

[157] You did something very cool in a message that I think you're uniquely qualified to carry on.

[158] Yes.

[159] And it's your fucking story.

[160] Would they want you to tell someone else?

[161] Like to me, if you distilled the message, it was like, don't tell your story.

[162] Right.

[163] You should be telling some other story.

[164] I get it a little bit.

[165] Tell me how you get it.

[166] I do get it a little bit.

[167] So I think, you know, a lot depends on sort of what the culture is up for at that moment and I think a lot of people have woken up recently and they're like you minutes ago within 90 seconds I was in my 30th dream night sweating do you sleep in an oxygen chamber up there of course upside down um I know I kind of don't want you to see the rest of the house because I just want you to project that it's like um like there's a bat cave back there it's like just bare bedrooms um I um so I think people are like wow we can't believe how underserved people of color have been on on screen and and just the lack of any sort of inclusivity including body inclusivity so this kind of this moment kind of hit right when this movie was coming out where it should have been like oh good this is an empowering one female story instead it was like no like the people who are get it the worst yeah are definitely women of color no question sure that's the truth so why don't we show this with someone who who's really underserved rather than this, you know, white chick who's reasonably attractive.

[168] Yeah.

[169] So I get it if you look at it that way, but...

[170] But hold on.

[171] You can't tell that story.

[172] No, I could not be involved in that movie.

[173] And I literally was even like, I'm sorry.

[174] Like I look forward to a time where our society gets, gets to that point.

[175] And I meant it.

[176] But I was, like you said, like uniquely qualified to do it because I'm someone who people have spent a lot of time on the internet, sort of first like, negotiating if I was attractive or not.

[177] I did a whole episode of my show about a 12 angry men inside Amy Schumer.

[178] And I wrote the whole thing because I was like, I don't want someone else to be writing insults about me. Yeah, isn't that our great superpowers?

[179] Like, I'm going to beat you to it.

[180] Right, yeah, I'm going to beat you to it.

[181] And also I've had like writer's rooms be like, also you know your teeth look like a chip?

[182] And I'm like, oh, actually I'm totally full up with insecurities, but thank you.

[183] So anyway.

[184] And, you know, I'm someone who I'm like, I'm not going to try.

[185] I'm not going to strive for like this other person.

[186] Like I'm just going to be this person I am.

[187] And, but luckily the truth is that a lot of people did wind up seeing it.

[188] And it reached a lot of, a lot of people like men and women.

[189] And they've been really vocal about it.

[190] And it's been a nice feeling.

[191] But this sort of, that's what made me realize before the Annenberg Institute, stats came out.

[192] Like, I was like, this is 99 % white.

[193] men are reviewing my movie.

[194] Like, it's not for you.

[195] They haven't even seen it.

[196] There's some, there was a review on Fox News where they were like, I didn't see it, but there was a whole review.

[197] A whole review.

[198] I was like, this is amazing.

[199] In their defense, I review a lot of movies that way.

[200] Sure.

[201] I saw it like the trailer.

[202] Oh my God, yeah.

[203] But if you'd seen it, that was the whole point.

[204] I know.

[205] Is that it doesn't matter what you look like.

[206] It's about intercontent.

[207] Exactly.

[208] It was saying like you could be a model.

[209] And I know a lot of models, unfortunately.

[210] No, but you know, I know a lot of models and like they feel worse about themselves and I do.

[211] Well, that's the thing that I think no one's really acknowledging is that it's really a human condition to hate who you look in the mirror.

[212] Men, women, there's no. Oh my God.

[213] I literally, one of my best friends has been sexiest man alive.

[214] And sincerely, I know he hates how he looks.

[215] Yeah.

[216] It's really.

[217] It's such a waste.

[218] But I remember hearing polar, polar was on like, um, uh, at, Leslie Gross's show.

[219] Fresh air.

[220] Terry.

[221] Yeah, Terry.

[222] Leslie Gore's show.

[223] El Gore's aunt Leslie Gore's show.

[224] She said that moment in high school.

[225] She was like describing the moment in high school where she goes, okay, well, I'm not going to be my, the first foot I put forward is not going to be my beauty.

[226] I'm going to bet on something else.

[227] And I was like.

[228] A great thing to realize early.

[229] Yeah.

[230] And I remembered the exact moment in 11th grade where I was, you know, 6 -3 -140, terrible acne, big nose, perm on top, straight long hair.

[231] Listening.

[232] Transferred high schools, bad wardrobe.

[233] And I was like, you're just going to have to do something else.

[234] You're going to have to be funny and you're going to have to learn to dance.

[235] I know.

[236] No, but when you're like, you know, because some of my friends are like very beautiful actresses and they're like, like chasing the clock, you know, and I'm like, bring it on.

[237] I don't care.

[238] Yeah, that's pretty sweet.

[239] But then, you know, some people would hear this and be like, fuck you.

[240] Like, you're attractive.

[241] I'm, you know, and I think the people who have wound up, the women who have had the biggest problem with I Feel Pretty are women who feel like the world has totally definitively classified them as unattractive or overweight.

[242] Sure.

[243] And they have a really tough time watching the movie.

[244] I think, like, they've been like, no, you know, this is not true.

[245] In the way that they would be like, I'd kill to look like that.

[246] Sure.

[247] Where is valid as their point of view is the part where they're still lying to themselves is bullshit.

[248] If they look like you, they'd still feel that.

[249] That's my point is that it doesn't work that way.

[250] Even if I snapped my fingers and I woke up and I was Brad Pitt tomorrow, within a week when my self -esteem dips, all of a sudden I'd be like, oh, Brad Pitt's not as hot as I thought.

[251] You know what I'm saying?

[252] I can find bad lighting.

[253] yeah like it's it's it is an internal thing as much as yes there are some very obvious like no points at me on a street or yes yes and um you know and then you go well yeah it is it's harder for somebody who's in a wheelchair it's harder for somebody of color you know and it's like that's all true but that doesn't mean that this woman's story shouldn't have been told well that's kind of my point is you just you can't tell every story in one movie like it's undeniable that there's worse conditions but you know you could have set the fucking movie in Nazi Germany.

[254] Yeah, which I pitched.

[255] You did.

[256] It just, it sucks because, you know, when you really try to go out of your way to do work that, you know, you think will make people feel good and laugh.

[257] And then when this nonsense gets in the way.

[258] Yeah.

[259] But I do, I do trust the culture and what people are sort of up for.

[260] And I do think they did wind up for that movie.

[261] I also think you're hearing a tenth of a percent in actuality.

[262] Like, let's just say that in my circle in real life.

[263] I didn't ever hear a single person making this critique about your movie.

[264] movie totally of course I was reading headlines but I you really have to remind yourself like oh I get to hear from everyone yeah like the fringe and two tweets become a story yes and that's a whole different thing it's just you know it's not interesting to say oh some people really like this movie you got to oh well there have been tweets and then they post they like they post these people's tweets yeah and you're like they were aggregated from a right yeah CNN or something but um I mean at the end of the day like all you can do is tell you story that's honest to you and then sorry it's not your story right and also like I do think that once we've we've we've so much information now like we know that it's over 95 % of all art hanging in museums is by white men like thank God yeah they just make it the best but oh so anyway so once you like see that you know once you're like oh my god and and you realize how how underserved people of color have been and women you know just with the quality and stuff so I'm in a position to be a producer or director so it's like okay let me try and do my part to um to lift other people up with me and so I do that yeah you know so I'm I'm really and it's not for bragging rights like I just I'm like oh my god this is so fucked up let me do what I can yeah and so I think once you see how how how how little equality there is if you don't do something about it then you're an asshole yeah um was there a moment in high school did you have that moment in high school that the polar moment or my 11th grade moment?

[265] Yeah, but mine was much later.

[266] Okay.

[267] You know, because my parents told me I was very gorgeous.

[268] Oh, good.

[269] Yeah, like I was a little, I mean, now.

[270] You are very gorgeous.

[271] No, I am.

[272] No, no, I am.

[273] No, no, no, yeah, yeah.

[274] Blessed, like endlessly blessed, every angle.

[275] Mm -hmm.

[276] But, uh...

[277] By the way, I just occurred to me, you must be so fucking sick about even talking about your looks.

[278] I'm not.

[279] Oh, good.

[280] I'm not.

[281] I'm, you know, in the middle of press.

[282] you're sick of talking about anything.

[283] But like, you know, this is the stuff I'm interested in.

[284] I'm interested in confidence.

[285] Because if you don't feel good, you can't get as much done.

[286] Like women who aren't comfortable, you're in heels.

[287] You're in these clothes.

[288] Like, you don't want to participate because you're self -conscious about something.

[289] So I'm all about trying to get people to feel their best so that they can be as productive as they can.

[290] You know?

[291] Get in your Nike tank top.

[292] I am wearing a sleeveless Nike tank top.

[293] An aggressive.

[294] It's very aggressive.

[295] I was just like, it's hot in here.

[296] I wonder what you thought I was going to come back in.

[297] It's like my pants are unzipped.

[298] It's not.

[299] And this bun is very much what I slept exactly in.

[300] I'm sure that's clear.

[301] Do you sleep good?

[302] Are you a good sleeper?

[303] No, I'm not.

[304] I have.

[305] It's always been hell.

[306] Can I just say we went to a comedy.

[307] This is completely off topic.

[308] We went to a magician show last night.

[309] Euphroidian slipped and called it a comedy show.

[310] I did.

[311] I did.

[312] The most important part is, is that there was a couple behind us that were, when I say dead asleep, I mean, we were almost like, did someone carry these two people in here?

[313] Like off the street, like here, you'll sleep sounder in here.

[314] Yes, they're in, they were in REM sleep, right?

[315] Like chin to chest, sleep.

[316] And the woman, she stayed out cold the whole performance.

[317] By the way, we missed half the magic routine because That's so funny, we missed half the magic.

[318] We did.

[319] Side note, you won't believe this.

[320] She clapped in asleep.

[321] I know you won't believe that.

[322] I know you don't believe that.

[323] I was with you and now I feel.

[324] Oh, in fact, Rob took a picture.

[325] So we'll show you a picture just to confirm this whole thing.

[326] Like when everybody else was caught?

[327] Yes, yes, yes.

[328] The husband, he kept waking up.

[329] He would wake up like every six minutes for about a minute.

[330] Like annoyed that he'd been woken at.

[331] He just like come to and then he'd watch for a minute.

[332] And then I said, I just showed her the picture.

[333] So he kept waking up, but he He'd wake up for like a minute and then he'd fall back to sleep.

[334] And at one point I'd turn to Monica and I said, this poor guy has terrible insomnia.

[335] You felt bad that his sleep was sweet.

[336] You couldn't stay asleep.

[337] Oh my God.

[338] But back to high school, you were.

[339] Your parents told you you were gorgeous.

[340] So gorgeous.

[341] But wait, I'm trying to remember what show I was watching last night that the guy was really, oh, sharp objects.

[342] Have you watched it?

[343] Yes, yes.

[344] Okay.

[345] Most of it.

[346] Okay.

[347] So we were like watching.

[348] watching it last night and it's like I really like it I'm enjoying it but it is a little uneven sometimes and so this guy in the scene is like supposed to be like really mad but he's also folding laundry does that come familiar at all wait was it the guy um the younger dude or he's a little younger he's not like he wasn't one of the lead he's probably like 50 he's on my young end of 50 don't you think 50 is young now I hope to God I think it's young I think it's I'm seven years away, so I'm hoping it's young.

[349] I think it's young.

[350] I'm so obsessed with my age.

[351] Are you at all?

[352] No. Oh, God.

[353] You are so healthy.

[354] It has nothing to do with like my vanity.

[355] No, it has to do with like, oh, goddamn.

[356] Okay, the ride's two -thirds over.

[357] Oh, God.

[358] I'm like, I hope this plane goes down.

[359] You do.

[360] Oh, my God.

[361] I'm so tired.

[362] I'm like, anytime I feel like I might die, I'm like, cool, you know.

[363] I'm good with everybody, you know.

[364] If there's turbulence, I'm like, take her down.

[365] I really was that way for years before I got sober.

[366] Yes, I have kids now, so it's much different.

[367] But, yeah, I remember before I had found work as an actor, there would be turbulence and I would go, oh, this is great.

[368] If I go down, my mom will be able to say, like, oh, he was just on the verge.

[369] Yes, but there's a high likelihood that I'll make it to 80 never work.

[370] And that lie will be exposed.

[371] Yeah.

[372] Yeah, so I was, I really sincerely like, oh, this will be easier.

[373] If this goes down, everyone will think, oh, he would have made it.

[374] I'm so sorry.

[375] But you know, I'm sorry for your loss.

[376] I just more think like, you know, and it really starts happening around 40, so maybe you're a few years away.

[377] But once you go like, oh, God, okay, I've done the majority of this.

[378] Sure.

[379] Definitely for me. I'm there.

[380] Yeah.

[381] And time's going much quicker as I get older as it does.

[382] And you just, I don't like being able to see that the end is around the corner.

[383] Yeah, that makes total.

[384] sense.

[385] But you don't care.

[386] I think I'm the one with something wrong.

[387] Yeah, like I, but you know what it is?

[388] I think having a sick parent, like my dad is MS, he's been in a wheelchair for a long time and like every phone call.

[389] Like my sister and I will even joke around.

[390] I'm like, she'll call and I'm like, did dad die?

[391] You know, like we just, um, but he's alive.

[392] He's very alive.

[393] And so you're just like, God, all of a sudden he just kind of couldn't walk.

[394] And so you never know when that's going to So I've lived my life very much like, you know, I think it was Bill Gates was like, you know, look at your life, your work.

[395] And be like, if today had been the last day of my life, would I have spent it the way?

[396] And so most days I could say that I spend it the way I would, I want to.

[397] It makes you really live your life.

[398] Yeah, you seem to based on what I experienced.

[399] On Instagram?

[400] Yes.

[401] I think I told you this the last time.

[402] I saw you like.

[403] You and Darren Aronofsky both have said that to me. Like, I like the life you've curated.

[404] I'm like, okay.

[405] No, I believe that it is really your life.

[406] But I'm like, God damn, that girl's on vacation.

[407] You're always in the Mediterranean.

[408] I'm always on some sort of a water.

[409] Yeah.

[410] Actually, it's funny.

[411] You and your sister travel a lot.

[412] Anytime I can get her out.

[413] She used to go anywhere for $100.

[414] And now it's like, you know, the Annie's up.

[415] No, your dad, though, he got MS.

[416] Or I guess you don't get it, but maybe it became a parent right around the time he went Bankrupts, yeah.

[417] So doesn't that feel?

[418] Great.

[419] Fucking awful.

[420] Double whammy of great news.

[421] The best.

[422] Would it be a spurious correlation, but don't those seem linked?

[423] You think the stress of that could have exacerbated?

[424] No, I think, you know, my mom and my dad, like, it's really tough to tell what was a complete lie.

[425] So you go, like, oh, were we squatters?

[426] Right.

[427] Yeah, like there was a time that my mom and I shared a bed Like when I was like, you know, a teenager Yeah, sexually active Always very nice to the guys Always very cool to that No, but and so it's tough to piece together What's true and what's not, you know, so They like place the blame of bankruptcy on someone else And I'm like, it was probably that you guys weren't good with money Right, you know?

[428] He was a furniture maybe.

[429] A baby furniture.

[430] His company was called Lewis of London.

[431] And they were the only people at the time importing furniture, baby furniture from Italy.

[432] Oh.

[433] On the Upper East Side, you know.

[434] So these parents needed a crib from Milan.

[435] Oh, wow.

[436] Yeah, there was a market.

[437] Who doesn't?

[438] Supply demand.

[439] Yeah, I got one from Florence once and it was a piece of shit.

[440] From Hurricane Florence.

[441] Yeah, you should have.

[442] I donated, sorry for your loss.

[443] I'm sorry.

[444] Stay tuned for more.

[445] armchair expert, if you dare.

[446] We've all been there.

[447] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[448] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[449] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[450] Hey, listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[451] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[452] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[453] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[454] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon Music.

[455] What's up, guys?

[456] This is your girl Kiki and my podcast.

[457] is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good.

[458] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[459] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[460] And I don't mean just friends.

[461] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox.

[462] The list goes on.

[463] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[464] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[465] But you had grown up on the Upper East Side, right?

[466] I was born in Lennox Hill and then lived there just for a little bit.

[467] And then we moved out to Long Island because my mom was like, hey, can you stop doing, like, cocaine every morning?

[468] Okay, so did dad do cocaine?

[469] Oh, hell yeah.

[470] Oh, good for him.

[471] He called it breakfast.

[472] Get the fuck out of here.

[473] I'm not kidding.

[474] I love that.

[475] Oh, good.

[476] Me too.

[477] He tells me every time I see him, he's like, you're so lucky you're the first kid I kept.

[478] Oh, my God.

[479] And he's not even like, he's not even like being funny, you know?

[480] He's just like, you're blessed.

[481] There's a reason I kept you.

[482] Oh, my goodness.

[483] Oh, wow.

[484] He's a blast My dad too Also loved powder his nose Oh yeah Yeah he really liked cocaine As I did I think he I never tried it You didn't No I just My dad's life You know And I'm such an addict Like anything Are you?

[485] I was curious about that Because you seem to drink And of course Anyone that drinks I'm always like God they can do it just fine Huh That's kind of amazing to me Do you do it just fine Or do you have to like go No Okay time to check in And I am like I like drink at home I don't like to go out really at all because I'm thinking about that I have to go home Right So I want to be home, sweatpants And I'm and I'll like drink here But when I say drink I'll have like I'll have like a glass of wine And then I'm like maybe I'll have another And I'll wind up having like three glasses And smoke pot Yeah And then I'll eat Okay great So it's like yeah And so like that will then affect my next day So I've had to Seriously chill with drinking just to be as productive as I want to be.

[486] And so I'm pretty much, I'm all, I'm all pot and all edibles now.

[487] Oh, really?

[488] Yeah.

[489] For how long?

[490] My body's a temple, so.

[491] Yeah.

[492] A couple months.

[493] Oh, yeah.

[494] And now has it, have you gone like, do you have more anxiety or?

[495] No, I love it.

[496] You love it.

[497] The edibles I take, it's, um, this company, Lord Jones.

[498] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[499] You know them.

[500] Okay.

[501] So, uh, it was recommended to me by my friend who uses it like microdose.

[502] instead of taking pills for depression.

[503] Anti -anxiety and stuff, yeah.

[504] And the CBD is supposed to be incredible for anxiety.

[505] And there's some with like very little THC and a bunch of CBD.

[506] So I love it.

[507] It's just been like a life changer for me. Oh really?

[508] Yeah.

[509] That's great.

[510] Oh, no. I'm also on Lexapro.

[511] Oh, okay.

[512] Right.

[513] I am both microdosing and taking.

[514] And macro -dosing.

[515] I'm giving myself the double.

[516] Mega dosing and microdoseing.

[517] Dubs.

[518] Oh, yeah.

[519] Now, when you moved upstate, what age were you?

[520] No, no, we moved to Long Island.

[521] No, you moved upstate.

[522] Oh, I did.

[523] Okay.

[524] Yeah, I have got you upstate.

[525] We placed you upstate here.

[526] Oh, okay, Long Island.

[527] Generally, if we were in L .A., I would have really done a bang -up job.

[528] Oh, do you like really research?

[529] Yeah.

[530] Yeah.

[531] I mean, the show's amazing, obviously.

[532] My friends are really impressed that I'm going to be on it.

[533] My husband was impressed.

[534] Oh.

[535] He goes, Dax is coming here.

[536] Oh, I've.

[537] like relax fucking lover boy your husband chris who's a really sweet guy only met him one time but I was very relieved when I met him because even though I know you have your fucking head on your shoulders clearly wow no you're very self -aware how about that but I'm also impulsive you're also a human being right and this is kind of what I wanted to get to because what I'm curious if we share in common is as someone who decided my personality is going to lead the charge sure I was endlessly trying to get people who I categorizes out of my league and then I would get them and instead of them boosting my self -esteem I would quickly decide oh well there are a piece of shit 100 % oh yeah and I'm wondering if you that has absolutely been my pattern isn't it crazy yeah but it also makes total sense you know you just put them on this pedestal and like and you're like me I can't believe you're even looking at disgusting And you're having haggard me. Yeah.

[538] This outhouse of a human being.

[539] And then you get to know them.

[540] And you're like, oh, this wasn't like the shit like I thought it was.

[541] What's wrong with you?

[542] You like me. I'm out.

[543] Yeah.

[544] For me, most clearly, it's like when I recognize, oh, Jesus, I think they might even like me more than I like them.

[545] That's just blasphemy.

[546] They are, they are, somehow they're in this beautiful exoskeleton, but they're a, they're a piece of shit.

[547] Right.

[548] Because they like me. Yeah.

[549] And that's what Pot is also good for to like just kind of look.

[550] look at somebody and be like, like, let me, who are you as a man?

[551] You're not a man. Get the hell out of here.

[552] So, Chris, my husband.

[553] That's not to say he's not a huge win or a trophy husband.

[554] But, but I was very relieved that you weren't with like a boy toy who was, you know what I'm saying?

[555] I never did that.

[556] I never, I slept with a couple boy toys.

[557] And then I was like Almost disgusted that they were down to sleep with me I was like how dare you Look at yourself Well also you start filling in like your insecurities Actually start just Making answers for you Because you're like why would this person like me So then you come up with all these reasons like Oh they like me because of blind Sure and it's very easy if you're at all famous Yeah yeah But that's a difference also between I think a lot of men That I know like powerful men they'll date like these young chicks who want shoes and they're like and you're like hey she clearly is with you for that reason and they're like yeah but I'm getting something out of it too like if I thought I was with someone who thought I could help them I would be so sick but um but Chris man he is the best like he is he I have tested him like I should be in jail he one day goes are you trying to break me you know he's been through it and he's he's my guy like he's like navy seal boot camp yeah yeah i'm sure you did that carrying the boat on this head well with bell he's yeah he's doing push -ups in the fucking rain well i'm gonna tell you this really weird paradox okay which maybe you two suffer from which is um morbidly insecure uh and then yet crazy cocky in a relationship like i i i there was no point where i was like with bell oh she's gonna leave me or anything.

[558] I'm like, once you get to know me, I feel you're in overtly confident.

[559] Good luck getting over this.

[560] Yeah.

[561] Isn't that weird?

[562] Your life has been ruined.

[563] I'm embarrassed to admit that, but I do, I guess I've, I'm nervous to get someone, but if I'm with somebody, I'm not nervous.

[564] I think that that's also, well, for me, it's, I feel very confident in who I am.

[565] So once you really get to know me, it makes sense that you would fall in love with me. Yeah.

[566] But based, like, you know, I'm not someone who had a bar.

[567] Anyone's ever been like, excuse me. Hi, I saw you sitting over here.

[568] So, so that initial, I don't, I don't, I didn't trust that initial attraction.

[569] It was just like, what?

[570] But, yeah, but I did trust it with Chris.

[571] Yeah.

[572] I was like, yeah, we just like, because we were friends first, you know, so we knew each other.

[573] So when we.

[574] How did you come to be friends?

[575] Well, no, he was actually cooking.

[576] he was he's a chef you know so he was cooking for my family we were all staying on martha's vineyard oh i like this yeah and uh his sister was a very bad power dynamic i love it was oh yeah no it was hot it was hot once it happened but i mean there were six months that we were like and i thought he was so beautiful and that he was such like a chef from martha's vineyard he's like amazing you know like real chef you know that i was like this guy is just like pussy is getting just slung at him day and day out.

[577] It is one of those professions where it fulfills some romantic fantasy or gals are getting.

[578] It's sick.

[579] And but now, but it's the kind of fantasy, like, it just gets better because now it's just like very practical that I'll be like, I want this exact thing like I had growing up.

[580] I want beef Wellington and a baked Alaska dessert.

[581] Yeah.

[582] Yeah.

[583] I'm like, potato lodkas.

[584] He's like, it's 2 a .m. I'm like, excuse me, it was just Russia Shana, sir.

[585] no connection but um yeah so he uh was just cooking for my family and it was like very and also I thought he was so like attractive that I went really out of my way to make sure he knew I wasn't flirting with him you know I'd be like oh I haven't like shit in three days or something you know just really sexy stuff yeah just hitting him with the hotness and then and then it was just like this one day and we kind of were both it was my best friend's 40th birthday and he was cooking for it and It was almost like we threw a party together, you know, not even on purpose, but it was like, oh, this is how we would function as a team.

[586] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[587] That's cool.

[588] Yeah.

[589] And it was like, you know, decisions.

[590] He was on the food.

[591] I was on the drinks, whatever, like hosting.

[592] And then, yeah, like the next day, it was like, hi.

[593] I weirdly imagine you would have to make the first move.

[594] Yeah.

[595] That's not what happened.

[596] Oh, it's not.

[597] No. It was hot.

[598] Oh, wow.

[599] It was hot.

[600] Yeah, I would love to talk about it.

[601] Yeah.

[602] I've always made the first move, you know, even, I think a lot of guys I've been friends with they're like, you're not like a sexual person to me, you know?

[603] And then I'm like, but I can be.

[604] Watch this move.

[605] And I'm so lazy.

[606] I was probably just like, can you come in here?

[607] My pants are off.

[608] Can you burp me?

[609] My clittages.

[610] Just so you know, my pants are off.

[611] And my clittage is terribly.

[612] That's a really good one, like, clittages.

[613] But I was, uh, I was walking.

[614] walking back to like give my dog a bone not a euphemism right and he I'm like holding a bone and he came up behind me and he put his arms around my waist and he kissed my neck like came up behind me and I was like okay yeah and it was just PQ's gore so then from there we went in a lot of dates and got to know each other and then eventually I was comfortable no not that night we obviously did you think you do you remember sending a very clear signal that evening that was like, I'm open for a rear entry kiss on the neck?

[615] No, I was still like I'm not sure.

[616] Oh.

[617] What he, what's up?

[618] I really like this.

[619] Yeah.

[620] Yeah, we had actually like kind of made a decision to not.

[621] Right.

[622] Because I asked You don't want to fuck up the good source of food you had.

[623] True.

[624] You had to really prioritize.

[625] It's so hard to find a good I want to fuck.

[626] I think he'd be good in bed, but a lot of people can fuck.

[627] Very few people can cook.

[628] Is this going to mess with my pancake consumption?

[629] No, I had asked his sister You know, I was like, hey, I think I have feelings For your brother If that is a real bummer to you I can totally not pursue it And she I think was probably still Even though I said that afraid for her job So she gave me his number And I immediately called him And so she didn't even talk to him And he answered the phone by going Do you think this is a good idea?

[630] And I go, like maybe I'm calling you about a recipe Or like who said The arrogance I know, but I was like, yeah, You're right.

[631] Okay.

[632] Still itchy as hell.

[633] And then we're like, yeah, let's just be friends.

[634] You know, whatever.

[635] And I was talking about other guys in front of him.

[636] And then.

[637] You know what I wonder now that I'm talking to you because so much of your material has been sexual.

[638] Yeah.

[639] It's so great.

[640] I love it.

[641] Like, what's she going to talk about now?

[642] This slut isn't slutting around anymore.

[643] I wonder, because I did this one time to Sarah Silverman.

[644] And I consider her a friend.

[645] And even as a friend, I felt weird when I walked away.

[646] Like, she had been on stern.

[647] And I forget what sexual things.

[648] she said.

[649] Okay.

[650] But then I ran into her and I went directly into like, oh my God, I love that thing about sex, right?

[651] And I would imagine that because you talk about sex so much and you're comfortable with it and for a guy, it's unique.

[652] Sure.

[653] To hear a woman talk about it so openly, candidly that I imagine a lot.

[654] Less unique now, but, you know, it's, you know.

[655] It's still unique.

[656] Yeah.

[657] And I would imagine that invites a lot of unwanted sex talk with guys.

[658] Yeah, it doesn't.

[659] It doesn't?

[660] No. Oh, that's good to hear.

[661] Yeah, I think people can tell like, and also you, I think you can tell if somebody's bringing things up to you for the wrong reasons.

[662] You know, but I have like male friends that I can totally talk about sex with and it's not.

[663] But like strangers, do like strange dudes feel like they're entitled to?

[664] That's a fear I had as well.

[665] That has not been the case at all, which is great, because I thought it was going to be that way too.

[666] But I think they can tell, like, you know, if you're at all intelligent, you can tell like that that's me talking about it on stage.

[667] And then, but people will feel that people cross boundaries with me, but just with being too comfortable or like going to immediately give me a hug or something or touch me. But not, yeah, no sort of sexual, you know, actually now that we're really thinking about it, it's hurting my feelings.

[668] I'm just walking around.

[669] Hi, I respect you as a comedian.

[670] I'm just like, ugh.

[671] No, but it really hasn't been the case.

[672] Again, I carry around a lot.

[673] I definitely felt weird about that thing I said to Sarah.

[674] I've done this a few times where I've said weird shits.

[675] But Sarah also, like, you know, she's one of my favorites and I love her, but she has the capacity that she can make you feel uncomfortable she wants to.

[676] Sure, sure.

[677] Yeah.

[678] Well, there's one other thing I was curious.

[679] Well, there's about 100 other things.

[680] But one thing I want to talk about is, um, Um, so you were class clown.

[681] I was class clown.

[682] I like that.

[683] We share that.

[684] That's beautiful.

[685] Yeah.

[686] It does say a lot.

[687] You do feel connected to someone.

[688] You really do because it is a very specific role you take for better worse.

[689] We were both clowns.

[690] But you mean officially like your superlative was class clown?

[691] Yeah.

[692] Like it doesn't say funniest.

[693] It says clown.

[694] Yeah.

[695] You are a fucking clown.

[696] And I probably would.

[697] You spent years being a fucking clown.

[698] I'd be most accurately described because I don't even know how honed.

[699] my comedic skills were.

[700] I was just a fucking disturbance in the class.

[701] There you go.

[702] Well, I also got teachers' worst nightmare.

[703] Yeah.

[704] I saw that.

[705] Yeah.

[706] They didn't have that distinction in my mock election, but I'm sure I would have gotten it.

[707] Oh, this is a really fun thing.

[708] Is Bell knew you somehow when you were young.

[709] Kristen.

[710] Yes.

[711] Right?

[712] She dated my best friend.

[713] Kevin and Kate were both over here last night.

[714] Oh, they were.

[715] So his younger sister Kate.

[716] or six years.

[717] Yeah, her younger sister, Kate, was one of my best friends in college.

[718] And we continue to be best friends now.

[719] And it's just so funny because I remember.

[720] And it was like, they were dating.

[721] And it was kind of like, so Kate and I were barely friends freshman year of college.

[722] And, uh, at house in Baltimore.

[723] And Kate was like, everyone's kind of like, what are you doing?

[724] Like she was my friend through another friend who was just kind of like, hi.

[725] And they were like, is anyone doing anything for spring break?

[726] And people like, we're going to.

[727] in Mexico like just some dumb shit and then they were like um well kate's going to L .A and uh I was like oh really I've never been to L .A. And I like went to her and I was like hey I heard you're going to L .A. for spring break.

[728] Can I come with you?

[729] We weren't even friends.

[730] And she was like, uh, I have to think about it.

[731] Like I don't know you.

[732] And I was like okay, cool, but I am coming.

[733] And so we went.

[734] We stayed on Kevin's floor.

[735] It was like a big time for sunset.

[736] that, you know, like, it was like Sky Bar and Saddle Ranch where like it was hot, Dublin's, you know, we were like going in these places and we were so ugly and so young.

[737] We just had no business there and, you know, and.

[738] Are you glad you had that corny experience?

[739] I'm so glad.

[740] Oh, my God.

[741] We saw Vince Vaugh, I think, in every bar, you know, like there was an era.

[742] Like, we saw Vince Vaugh and Trecadero's like 18 years old.

[743] Sure.

[744] Just fucked up looking.

[745] And Kevin.

[746] Did you love him?

[747] I loved him.

[748] Who?

[749] Oh, yeah.

[750] You're serious?

[751] And he was with the guy with the red hair from his movies.

[752] Cole, Col Houser.

[753] Cole Porter.

[754] I was in love with him.

[755] And Cole Houser was a babe too in that era.

[756] Oh yeah.

[757] Cole Houser was also pretty cute.

[758] No, Cole Houser, like, I, there's not a hole that he wouldn't have been very welcome in.

[759] Sure.

[760] But I think at the time, like, I registered, like, probably more as like a stapler than a woman.

[761] Like, it was kind of like, who's this, like, barback talking to us?

[762] So, we stayed on her brother's floor.

[763] He lived like near the man's Chinese theater.

[764] And, uh, and he was a PA on the man show.

[765] Oh, right, right.

[766] We just, like Kate and I just ate jack in the box and, and we became really good friends.

[767] And did, was Kristen around?

[768] So Kristen was, uh, not around.

[769] I think they were like, maybe she was out of town or something, but.

[770] Oh, she was probably shooting Veronica Mars in San Diego.

[771] And yes, so it was like Kevin's dating this chick who's about to be really famous.

[772] Yeah.

[773] Yeah, and then she got really famous.

[774] And then we ran into each other at Bonarro.

[775] Was I on mushrooms?

[776] I don't know.

[777] I had such a good time.

[778] We had so much fun.

[779] It was running all around, laughing.

[780] I generally hate anything with crowds.

[781] It seems like the work, like people that go to Coachella sounds terrible.

[782] Vile.

[783] But we had to go to Bonarue to promote a movie.

[784] Yeah, you guys had a movie there.

[785] And it was fucking awesome.

[786] You do the best time.

[787] Because it's just in a green field.

[788] Yeah.

[789] And we had those artist passes where like we got to pretend like we were musicians.

[790] Yeah.

[791] And go kind of wherever.

[792] Most shows you could go like on stage, basically.

[793] We saw Foster the People when they had that breakout hit.

[794] Pumped up kicks, which is about shootings.

[795] Let's not think about that.

[796] Kristen, like, loved this artist.

[797] Shoot, what's her name?

[798] Bluegrass.

[799] Yeah.

[800] Sarah Watkins.

[801] Oh, right.

[802] Yeah.

[803] So she introduced me that.

[804] we went to saw her in like this little tent and you just reminded me like you know when you're in a relationship it's like nothing's a hundred percent success between you it's like there's a compromise along the way at all so even bonnero was like i sat through three or four fiddlers and you just reminded me of it and i kept going like um my move in that situation's like uh you want to something to drink like i just want to go get in a line do you want me to go move the car in the parking lot and see if there's a closer spot.

[805] The tractor trailers.

[806] It's always spent a lot of time, like, standing in the line and then getting up there and realize I didn't need anything or that.

[807] You get to the front and you're like, that'll be all.

[808] I was already holding a tray of snacks.

[809] I got like an hour before.

[810] You guys were fun.

[811] It's also kind of rare to hang out with a couple and have it be fun.

[812] Seemed weird.

[813] Yeah.

[814] And you guys were so fun.

[815] We were having a really good time.

[816] You guys are a cool couple.

[817] You were funny.

[818] I thought your dynamic was really funny.

[819] Stay tuned for more armchair experts.

[820] If you dare.

[821] Yeah, and you really deliver in real life.

[822] Yeah, I bring it.

[823] We know comedians.

[824] Yeah.

[825] It's very interesting.

[826] I almost respect it more.

[827] It's hit and miss. Like, I'm not, I don't do anything extra when I go do something.

[828] It's just kind of how I am 24 -7.

[829] Right.

[830] But some folks are just like almost morbid.

[831] Yeah.

[832] And then they get on stage and they're spectacular.

[833] I'm also morbid.

[834] I mean, actually, like one time there was a New York Times writer who wrote about me that I was melancholy.

[835] Okay.

[836] And I didn't know that about myself.

[837] And then I was like, yeah, I guess I am melancholy.

[838] Did you feel like it added a dimension to you, like some depth?

[839] Well, yeah, but it was like depth I didn't know I had.

[840] I was like I thought I was like a happy go lucky vibe.

[841] But no, but I think that's also what people pick up on.

[842] Like, you know, there's like an underlying like, you know, morose thing.

[843] But like, yeah, I wouldn't have fun and laugh all the time.

[844] Yeah.

[845] But, you know, I don't know what yours comes from.

[846] Mine comes from a combination of like middle child, relieving tension.

[847] And chaotic fucking childhood with step parents and violence and all this stuff.

[848] Also being prone to being funny.

[849] You also like are just funny.

[850] Right.

[851] Yes.

[852] You have to be minimally witty, I suppose.

[853] Or your brain has to work kind of quickly.

[854] There's probably a biochemical element.

[855] Yeah.

[856] But then all about.

[857] I mean, yes, same had a horrible childhood.

[858] Yes.

[859] Jack.

[860] Yeah.

[861] But yeah.

[862] But also you have to like have that thing that people like want to watch you.

[863] But I, What I don't subscribe to, which I feel like some comedians I'm friends with do, is like, I don't need that as an engine.

[864] Oh, no. You know, like, have you confronted that and gone like, oh, yeah, I get it.

[865] This is where it comes from.

[866] And I don't, that doesn't need to be a part of the process for me. Yeah.

[867] No, I don't.

[868] I only think about it when someone, like, asks, you know, when did you know you're funny?

[869] You know, I was like.

[870] Do you have a routine, like a checklist that keeps your self -esteem high?

[871] It's pretty short.

[872] It's like I literally smile at myself in the mirror.

[873] You do.

[874] And like laugh.

[875] Yeah.

[876] I was sick the other day.

[877] I was throwing up and we have these like automatic fancy toilets and the toilet like just kept closing on my head and I was just like this is exactly what you deserve.

[878] Like I was just like this is a great moment for you.

[879] The best would be if this spigot came out and just rinsed your mouth.

[880] It's right in my eyes.

[881] Straight up your nose.

[882] But it's, yeah, it's like looking in the mirror and like literally smiling at yourself.

[883] I'm like, being like, you got this bitch.

[884] Do you exercise?

[885] Yeah.

[886] Do you find that?

[887] Look at my guns.

[888] Well, they're fucking intimidating as shit.

[889] Yeah, I do.

[890] My first thought when I sell you in this Nike singlet was to go like, I need to start.

[891] I definitely need to incorporate steroids into my daily life.

[892] Let me get my mouth card out.

[893] I did one time sit at like the MTV movie awards 12 years ago.

[894] I sat next to Serena Williams.

[895] Good.

[896] And I genuinely felt emasculated.

[897] Like her fucking arms were so much stronger than mine.

[898] It was so visible.

[899] I find myself like moving away from her when it could have been us in a two shot.

[900] I'm like, this is going to ruin any.

[901] The five girls who like me are going to go like, who's that scrawny little guy next to Serena?

[902] Who's that lady with Serena?

[903] Yeah.

[904] Is that her coach?

[905] I found myself pretty attracted to the whole thing.

[906] Yeah.

[907] I love that because, and you see, it is it is more rare.

[908] I think you probably know but when like I really respect her husband too because when you're with someone that powerful and strong it's tough for a lot of men to be like what's my role here?

[909] I love you so much because that was the thing I just wanted to talk last to you about is that even I who has my own recognizability if I walk outside and I want to I could get a little fluff from somebody would buy you a Gatorade yes or send me a drink whatever I also make good money money.

[910] I do way better than I ever dreamt I could have ever, ever done.

[911] But my wife makes more money than me. Sure.

[912] She makes more money than all of us.

[913] And I have to like admit that was a real process for me. I have, I can't escape this thing where it's like, no, I'm the man. I'm supposed to be earning.

[914] I'm supposed to be the.

[915] How do you deal with that?

[916] It was, I think having kids really help because I went from like oh people know like I guess I found it embarrassing like oh people know she makes more money than me they're probably saying like oh like let's say mind you we live in a pretty modest house but let's just say someone came into our big house which we don't have I'm a I was fearful if you had a big house yes exactly in the world where we had a big impressive house okay people would come into it and go oh she bought this house like that's where my fear they might aggressively tell her oh my god Kristen I love it.

[917] Yeah, they probably would.

[918] I've had people do that.

[919] Oh, it even happened.

[920] That's dirty.

[921] Even my modest house.

[922] Michael Payne came over when we were about to do chips.

[923] And he's like, oh man, I love this house.

[924] And he said something like did Kristen Blank.

[925] And I immediately went.

[926] I bought this house.

[927] She moved into my house.

[928] Like I got defensive.

[929] She was living in fucking squalor.

[930] But I did.

[931] I got like really defensive.

[932] I'm like, no, no, I own this house long before I met her.

[933] Whatever.

[934] But it's also like that's like a kind of.

[935] things.

[936] I'm sure he didn't mean it.

[937] No. And by the way, if I'm him, that makes the most sense.

[938] Sure.

[939] She's in Frozen.

[940] I'm not.

[941] But the thing is, like, this is something else that really comforts me and keeps my confidence in a good place is that everyone is so just thinking about themselves.

[942] And it would, all it would really reflect is their own stuff.

[943] Right.

[944] And as I get healthier.

[945] I can tell you, I've never thought that.

[946] You haven't.

[947] Never.

[948] But you've never been to our modest house either.

[949] Wait until you walk into the stunningly average place.

[950] You'll be like, oh my God, Christ I don't want to go.

[951] No, thank.

[952] Having kids, I had, I thank God was like, oh, this isn't about you.

[953] You have two kids that are going to benefit from the fact that your wife's a huge earner.

[954] And also, you're terrified of being broke.

[955] You think about it nonstop.

[956] No matter how much money you get.

[957] This is a huge blessing.

[958] Are you going to spend your whole life having lived in embarrassment of being bested by your bride?

[959] What a waste of energy.

[960] Be grateful and so, you know, happy your partner can alleviate the stress.

[961] Good.

[962] So, yeah, is that something that you.

[963] you can like be proactively helpful with your and then you have the added thing of like when you guys go out everyone's like oh amy hi oh yeah yeah yeah Mike was it right does that I don't know his name yeah um yeah uh I well the way I combat it is I I'll you know if like we have some nice stuff here I'll kind of pick something up and I'll be like do you like this Chris I bought this you know and then I'll kind of push his nose in it yeah and I'll go yeah he'll go like Is it hot in here?

[964] And then I'll kind of push his head into the AC unit.

[965] I bought this.

[966] You don't like the temperature in here?

[967] Why don't you buy it then?

[968] I bought this temperature.

[969] The air in this room?

[970] It's mine.

[971] So you can hold your fucking breath.

[972] You like breathing this air?

[973] Chris is such an asset to this family.

[974] Yeah.

[975] Like I am garbage.

[976] Like I feel like, I'm like, wow.

[977] What am I doing?

[978] What am I bringing?

[979] I mean, it's really funny.

[980] It's, but it just like balances out because I'm like an invalid.

[981] But it's very hard for the male ego.

[982] It's not hard for him, but something's obviously wrong with him.

[983] Yeah.

[984] It's been hard for everyone else I've ever dated.

[985] I can only imagine.

[986] Because again, I do my own thing and I still, it was, Anna, we were married.

[987] It's not even like we're dating.

[988] Like it was very hard for me and I feel mildly self -actualized and it was incredibly difficult.

[989] Yeah.

[990] And if you ask Chris, hell give you like some more.

[991] whimsical answer like he'd be like um no like i'm really proud of her work like he like has a higher voice that i do he's like michael jackson he's like um no like i'm just very proud of her and you know she works so hard and i think she's incredible you know and he really like means what he says yeah and i'm just like ew shut the fuck up you know stop effortlessly being a good human i'm like so remember we're at ellen's birthday party yeah do you get triggered at those things like it hell yeah right breaks the worse than me i can't go anywhere yeah yeah Yeah.

[992] It's funny.

[993] It's going to any of those events, I go, all anyone's going to be thinking is how did Dax get into this thing.

[994] Like, was there a clerical error?

[995] Did they mean Zach Brab?

[996] No, no. It's the same.

[997] That's nuts.

[998] Luckily, I'm aware of the pattern, but I go like, no, everyone's going to go wonder why I'm even there.

[999] And then on the way home, here's the thing about my ego.

[1000] I go, from self -loathing to meglum.

[1001] Yeah.

[1002] Then I leave and I go, I just killed in that party.

[1003] I do.

[1004] I leave and I go, oh, everyone likes you.

[1005] It's a fucking madness.

[1006] I'm never in the appropriate zone.

[1007] I'm like everyone's going to be really happy on there.

[1008] And I'm going to leave and they're going to be mad.

[1009] I left.

[1010] Oh, you do.

[1011] And that's usually how it is.

[1012] Yeah, I believe it.

[1013] Yeah, people feel like very, some people are really triggered by it, like that I can be pretty withholding just because like I want to go home.

[1014] My whole life, my friends would be like, oh, Ames your mom going to come pick you up.

[1015] Yeah.

[1016] You know, and I'm like, yeah, because I like don't want to stay out until five in the morning.

[1017] I want to go home.

[1018] But even like, it is a superpower.

[1019] We were with this couple we hadn't really hung out with because like we don't hang out.

[1020] You know, like someone will be like, well, we should get dinner and I'll be like, we don't do that.

[1021] Like I don't want to do that.

[1022] Like if you want to come over and eat on the couch, then great.

[1023] That's kind of our move too.

[1024] Yeah, just like the couch is there and it's ready for you.

[1025] And I'll be there anyways.

[1026] Exactly.

[1027] You know where to find me. But it was like I would get up and go.

[1028] Like we would go like smoke pot or something or go to the bathroom.

[1029] And this chick would be like, where are you going?

[1030] Like, you never, you just get up.

[1031] You never say where you're going.

[1032] And I was like, okay.

[1033] No, that is kind of nuts, right?

[1034] That's not like, no, that's crazy.

[1035] Okay, okay, yeah.

[1036] I was like, I'm going to the bathroom.

[1037] And then, like, you know, when we would hang out with them, I'd started being like, I'm getting up to go to the bathroom.

[1038] And I'm not coming back.

[1039] Yeah, and you'll never see me again.

[1040] I'm going to pee, but I also have not ruled that I might shit.

[1041] Yeah.

[1042] Do you want me to text you if, like, a turtlehead happens?

[1043] If I upgrade it from a one to a two.

[1044] Oh, one do a three.

[1045] But what are you going to do next, I guess is my question.

[1046] Not even what, not even if you know, but do you, like, I feel pretty, I feel like was a movie you obviously should have made.

[1047] Thank you.

[1048] Yeah.

[1049] I think it's really cool that you did that.

[1050] Because you could have, there's so many well -worn blueprints for what you should or should you do.

[1051] And you did something that obviously specifically, you're like, oh, I need to tell this.

[1052] Yeah.

[1053] I love the conversation that you opened, by the way, because I'm obsessed with self -esteem.

[1054] And it's really, people need to know, you make a decision.

[1055] It's in your head.

[1056] You're never going to get a compliment that makes you feel good permanently.

[1057] Nothing's ever going to happen from the outside.

[1058] It's so painful and it's really exhausting because even some of my best friends really struggle with it.

[1059] And you're just like, oh, just like stop wasting your time.

[1060] If I looked like you, I would have AIDS.

[1061] You look so, like stop it.

[1062] I would truly not want to be an ounce more attractive.

[1063] That's the truth.

[1064] Not an ounce.

[1065] Even at this level, it's like I can wear no makeup, go on the subway and like kind of hide.

[1066] I don't mean as a famous person.

[1067] I mean as a woman.

[1068] Right, right.

[1069] Like I can pretty much, I mean, there's still like the real warrior men out there who will still find a way to like check out your ass and be like, yeah.

[1070] And you're like, I look homeless.

[1071] Are you serious?

[1072] But like, you know, being a woman sucks.

[1073] It's very difficult.

[1074] And it's something else that we've all realized is like that we are like sexualized all the time.

[1075] Even when, you know, even when it seems crazy.

[1076] Yeah.

[1077] So like, I feel really bad for these girls who are so hot.

[1078] Because is guys can't handle it.

[1079] You can't have a conversation.

[1080] Everything's going to skew sexual and you're going to be treated differently.

[1081] And honestly, like, I actually feel really bad for them.

[1082] But then there's also, like, women who feel so unattractive that people just, they're just invisible.

[1083] And that seems like...

[1084] It's one or the other.

[1085] There's, like, no sweet spot for it.

[1086] Right.

[1087] Yeah.

[1088] So it just, it just sucks anyway.

[1089] But I really wouldn't...

[1090] Yeah.

[1091] I would not change a fucking thing.

[1092] I was just telling these guys, it just so happens that there is some.

[1093] someone in my orbit currently that does seem to be in love with me. And for the one of the first times ever, I feel like, no, she's long, disinterested.

[1094] Yeah, yeah, I'm invisible.

[1095] She's living in time.

[1096] But this person seems to be in love with me. And I have not had this experience often where it's like, I finally know what it's like to be a woman in that, like, any little excuse.

[1097] It's like I'll, I use a hair shampoo that has a fragrance.

[1098] And now all of a sudden it's like, oh, your hair smells like, and now we got to talk about how my hair smells.

[1099] and every day it's some little like a crack to get just claw in.

[1100] And it gets it gets so tedious.

[1101] Like I'm just waiting for it to come.

[1102] Like what will it be today?

[1103] The only thing that's so funny that you're feeling like.

[1104] I know and I actually now have a ton of sympathy for.

[1105] You know, and it's like forget about that.

[1106] Like it just, that just sucks and that feels really gross.

[1107] And sometimes it's like a doctor, you know, who can just do a little too much.

[1108] It'll be a little inappropriate like a couple unnecessary touches or, you know, it's all these things.

[1109] and so now it feels like it's up to each person when it happens to say that that makes me really uncomfortable and it feels that's hard to do yeah it's really hard to do but the thing that's making me do it now is what we've realized this year which is I'm not going to be the last chick that comes in here maybe what I'm doing will help yeah someone with less confidence or less capital yeah because like forget about being uncomfortable like women like we're scared women are mostly scared of violence because you know one in six women reports being sexually assaulted but really it's one in three women so we're not even like is this gonna happen we're just like when waiting we run like from New York if I take the subway like women we run home at night you know and you were all jogging no guys don't give a fuck about cardiovascular health seriously like women we put like the keys the key in between like our two fingers and our knuckle like we're gonna be able to do something with that again always thought someone just found their car like oh they got their key out no we live in constant fear of violence Honestly.

[1110] And, you know, just the feeling that we have all day walking past a guy sitting alone on a bench, you're just bracing yourself.

[1111] And I think that's something men don't really understand.

[1112] And or they might treat us a little different.

[1113] Not on the level.

[1114] But guys too are also very afraid of violence.

[1115] And they're walking around waiting for a guy to fuck with them.

[1116] Well, they found that men are mostly afraid of ridicule.

[1117] Like studies show that that's their like the way we fear violence.

[1118] They fear ridicule.

[1119] Oh, really.

[1120] Yeah.

[1121] Which I think it's really funny.

[1122] Because like to sympathize with men like, oh my God, that sounds so hard.

[1123] Like do you run home?

[1124] You're afraid of fucking somebody in your if you were in my high school there's 10 badasses and all the dudes are terrified of them every time you walk by them in the hallway you're like oh is this going to be the day they fucking shove my head into a locker so it's like and that's not nearly as bad and you're not going to get raped like usually right you know and we're almost definitely going to get raped so oh good yeah oh I actually knew that yeah yeah I wanted to talk about that we're out of time well that's my little pet peeve is that like we're all victims of all this darkness now there's definitely degrees of it it's so much worse for women it is yeah yeah yeah but also i'm so sorry that happened to you yeah it is it is it is it is it is yeah it's never fun we were just talking about this the other day that remember i was like i went on a run and the all the whole time i'm on a run it's like it's just constantly looking and protecting yourself and i was like you men just don't do that they're Just out on a run.

[1125] And they don't, you know, they don't, and they don't realize that, that we do.

[1126] Are doing it.

[1127] Just like a lot of scenarios where you wouldn't even think about it.

[1128] Yeah.

[1129] It's like we are terrified.

[1130] The example that we heard on a podcast like Bell always references, which is so true, is like, if you're a woman, you get on an elevator, every time you get on an elevator, there's someone in the elevator generally that is about twice your size and twice you're stripping for your post.

[1131] Hasn't fucked in a year.

[1132] Yeah, and just knowing that you could be overpowered by somebody next to you is just a unique feeling for women that men don't have.

[1133] Yeah.

[1134] It's fucking sucks.

[1135] But it's cool to just like, you know, for people to acknowledge that.

[1136] Yeah.

[1137] That's part of our everyday experience.

[1138] Yeah.

[1139] Yeah.

[1140] And I look forward to what you make next because you're obviously going to keep making shit.

[1141] Well, I made a clothing line.

[1142] Oh, you did?

[1143] Yeah.

[1144] Tell me about it.

[1145] It's called LaClaude.

[1146] I made it with Lisa Evans, who has worked with, I think you.

[1147] And definitely, Kristen, I'm forgetting Sarah Marshall.

[1148] It's really comfy.

[1149] It goes up to size 25.

[1150] You know, it's like, I think 70, it's like 70 bucks to like 200 is for like a coat.

[1151] So it's, you know, it's not like.

[1152] So it's like all day wear.

[1153] Day to night.

[1154] It's like these like forever pieces that people have.

[1155] It's called the cloud.

[1156] Yeah, I'm really excited.

[1157] I feel really good about it.

[1158] I feel like it'll give women just make them feel more empowered and comfortable to like achieve.

[1159] And do you have it all in your closet?

[1160] Do you get to wear shit that you made?

[1161] It's really cool, right?

[1162] You know when you pack to go somewhere you're like, like I pack that stuff?

[1163] And I'm like, that's when I know something's real.

[1164] Yeah.

[1165] That's awesome.

[1166] And how long does it take to design a line?

[1167] It's Lisa Evans.

[1168] We've done all the movies together.

[1169] Like she's been my stylist for years.

[1170] And she really changed how I felt about myself.

[1171] She did.

[1172] Yeah, because in fittings, you would go in and the, you know, the costume department.

[1173] And, like, they'd be like, they'd make you feel like your body was, like, bad and wrong.

[1174] Yeah.

[1175] If something didn't look good.

[1176] But the way the clothes are made, like, she always references, like, she's only seen one person with, like, those mannequin shoulders.

[1177] Like, Roseburn is, like, the one woman alive that has, like, those mannequin.

[1178] So it's like, nothing fits right.

[1179] These companies just try and guess.

[1180] And then you have to, like, like, kind of tailor stuff a little bit.

[1181] Yeah.

[1182] And you can go, you know, and she shops for me from, like, Forever 21 and H &M.

[1183] And it doesn't have to be, like, some, you know, rich.

[1184] So I just wanted to give other people what she gave me of, like, being able to feel good in clothes and I feel like you're worth it to feel good and that you can look good and feel good.

[1185] I love you, Amy.

[1186] I really, really am grateful that you would let us come to your house and make time.

[1187] Thank you so much for coming to my house.

[1188] All right.

[1189] I love you guys.

[1190] Thank you so much.

[1191] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[1192] Hey, so we left Amy's apartment and, uh, We took a long walk.

[1193] We walked to 30 Rock afterwards.

[1194] And I felt really shitty for a couple blocks.

[1195] And I was really like wrestling with the idea of like, God, what did I do wrong in that conversation?

[1196] I know I did something wrong.

[1197] And it took me a couple blocks.

[1198] But then I admitted to you and Rob what I thought I had done.

[1199] Yeah.

[1200] And the conclusion I came to was that by me, kind of hijacking, I guess, for lack of a better word, with my experience with men and that we're all threatened by men and it applies to all of us and this and that, and then my own experience.

[1201] I was doing, what occurred to me is I was doing exactly what the people who were a part of the All Lives Matter movement were guilty of.

[1202] And if you're not familiar with that, you know, Black Lives Matter is a movement.

[1203] And then some people in response said, no, all lives matter.

[1204] And then appropriately, black folks said, you know what?

[1205] It's a fucking given that white lives matter.

[1206] That's evident on the front page of every newspaper.

[1207] We know that if a white person dies, it matters.

[1208] What's not obvious is that our lives matter too.

[1209] So just shut up.

[1210] And I very much agree with that message.

[1211] Yeah.

[1212] And I realized I was kind of doing all lives matters by my point of view.

[1213] By talking about the plight of men.

[1214] Yeah.

[1215] In response to the plight of women.

[1216] Yep.

[1217] Yeah.

[1218] I mean, I was thinking of it as the plight of humans.

[1219] But yes, you're dead right.

[1220] And so I felt kind of crummy for a couple days.

[1221] But then we got back into town and I got this text from Amy.

[1222] And I'm going to read it to you with her permission.

[1223] She asked that I include this part too.

[1224] So I felt crappy.

[1225] And then I get this text.

[1226] It says, hi, honey, child.

[1227] I realized that when you told me you had been molested, I minimized your pain and I am so sorry.

[1228] She then goes into what happened to her personally that I don't think I should read out loud.

[1229] But she said, I didn't leave the room for you and that's not cool.

[1230] I'm so sorry that happened to you.

[1231] This is a moment where we have some movement and eyes opening about the female experience and my instinct is to shut it down when a guy says me too.

[1232] but it's really unfair.

[1233] I'm really sorry.

[1234] And I told her, I think the sexiest thing someone can do is apologize.

[1235] And I was just really blown away that she would have done that and that she felt bad too.

[1236] And, um, okay.

[1237] So did you tell her?

[1238] Yeah.

[1239] I then responded with everything I just said, which I realized I was doing the all lives matter thing.

[1240] And she said, I'm glad we're talking about this and that we, you know, didn't just walk away and leave it at that.

[1241] And I said, you know, I'm planning on sharing my side of it.

[1242] And she said, well, please share my side of it too.

[1243] So anyways, that's how that all got worked out.

[1244] And I think it's really fantastic that she was open -minded to hearing my apology.

[1245] And I wasn't even upset with her.

[1246] So anyways.

[1247] Yeah.

[1248] I was very impressed that you came to that conclusion on our walk.

[1249] Oh, yeah.

[1250] I did not.

[1251] No, not in a. I know, I know.

[1252] I think most people are not thinking about it enough to come to a different conclusion.

[1253] And I was proud of you.

[1254] Thank you.

[1255] I felt crappy.

[1256] Well, you felt crappy.

[1257] But what comes after that is evolution.

[1258] That was good.

[1259] Yeah.

[1260] Yeah, I got to stop doing that, basically.

[1261] I realize.

[1262] Yeah.

[1263] But it's just also identifying what you're.

[1264] doing because you when you're doing it in the moment you don't think you're doing that you do think you're just speaking for humanity as a whole but not understanding that's but also it feels counterintuitive that that would ever be detrimental to another group but it is weirdly well I think I do I try to relate to people to a fault you know Sometimes you, I think you want to be in all the groups.

[1265] I want to be in all the groups.

[1266] Yeah, that's part of it.

[1267] And I want to relate to everybody.

[1268] And I want the person to feel like I know what they're saying.

[1269] Like I really understand what they're saying.

[1270] But, you know, that's just my own thing I need to overcome on some level.

[1271] Some of it's good.

[1272] It's well, about 80 % is good.

[1273] The instinct is wonderful.

[1274] 20 % is too much.

[1275] Yeah.

[1276] That's all right, though.

[1277] There's also a way to do it.

[1278] where you do share your experience and you do say that you have empathy for it, while also recognizing I'll never really know what your experience is specifically.

[1279] Like that's okay too.

[1280] You can still relate and recognize that they're going through something completely different.

[1281] Yeah.

[1282] Yeah.

[1283] But I was proud of you.

[1284] Thank you.

[1285] All right.

[1286] Now this is going to be an awkward transition, but I want to do it because someone suggested a fantastic fact check song.

[1287] And I wrote it down and when someone, you know, when they come up with a good one, I want to deliver.

[1288] Let's hear it.

[1289] I do my fact checking at night so I can, so I can.

[1290] Oh.

[1291] I don't know the rest of the words, but that's good.

[1292] That was good.

[1293] Yeah.

[1294] I like the requests.

[1295] Yeah.

[1296] Do you know that song?

[1297] I wear my sunglasses at night.

[1298] So I can.

[1299] You're getting better at looking at me. I sing.

[1300] Well, I didn't.

[1301] I was, oh, thank you.

[1302] Um, I didn't know those were the words.

[1303] Well, the real words are I wear my sunglasses.

[1304] Right.

[1305] I didn't know those were the real words.

[1306] Oh, but you did recognize the melody.

[1307] Yeah.

[1308] Oh, wonderful.

[1309] Uh -huh.

[1310] Steaky melody.

[1311] You did it.

[1312] All right.

[1313] What kind of facts did we get into?

[1314] Oh, well, I wanted to say that you alluded in the Seth Myers fact check to a moment where I was intimidated by some.

[1315] and that was her.

[1316] Oh, right, right, right.

[1317] That was this episode and this woman.

[1318] Yeah.

[1319] Yeah, I was very intimidated.

[1320] She's a force of nature.

[1321] Yeah, I was trying to dissect later why.

[1322] Also, sometimes I'm just like, why are we thinking all the time?

[1323] Like, why can't we just leave and not think about it?

[1324] Yeah, just do the thing and then do the next thing.

[1325] Yeah.

[1326] You know, like the next two blocks after her house, I missed everything.

[1327] Because all I was thinking about was like how I shit the bed on that conversation.

[1328] You were thinking about that you were intimidated by her.

[1329] Thank God Wobby Wob had his fucking eyes open because we saw John Oliver on his phone.

[1330] That's true.

[1331] Wabi Wob pointed out.

[1332] Yeah.

[1333] I guess Wabi Wob is the only one not in his head.

[1334] He's like he's living on Cloud 9.

[1335] He feels great after we leave all these things because he doesn't really, yeah, he doesn't fuck up like, you know.

[1336] Yeah, but either do you and either do I. I mean, I wish you had said that.

[1337] not me because I don't even believe it but um no you never fuck up yes I do and well you did say darrell I can't believe I did that I was so you it was maybe maybe we're like you want to know something you do yeah that I've noticed that I've been keeping to myself and that I don't think anyone has noticed but you say maybe doing this on purpose You say addict.

[1338] Oh, that we're in an addict.

[1339] Yeah.

[1340] Yeah, I believe that.

[1341] What is it, attic?

[1342] Yeah.

[1343] That doesn't sound right.

[1344] You say it's soaked with a very clear tea.

[1345] Light on in the attic.

[1346] Yeah.

[1347] Yeah.

[1348] That's a Shell Silverstein book of poems.

[1349] Attic.

[1350] Addict.

[1351] I think maybe it's because you say the word addict a lot.

[1352] It makes, no, well, now that you're saying, saying it makes total sense why every time I spell it, it gets auto -corrected.

[1353] I'm probably adding an ED or a T or C or an eight.

[1354] Anyway, I didn't mean to transfer my faux pot on to you.

[1355] I said Daryl.

[1356] And it's really embarrassing.

[1357] It's great.

[1358] Well, you said it twice, which is my favorite.

[1359] Daryl.

[1360] It doesn't seem like it's, Daryl.

[1361] That one really got you somehow.

[1362] It's hard for me to say, Daryl Hammond.

[1363] Yeah, because you're like you're a head.

[1364] of yourself.

[1365] And you're the D on that.

[1366] That's me and Ted Dances.

[1367] Ted Danson.

[1368] I can do that one.

[1369] That one I won.

[1370] Daryl Hammond.

[1371] Yeah, that's really hard.

[1372] The best part is I go, I think you're saying Daryl.

[1373] And you go, no. I'm not saying Daryl.

[1374] Because when you said it, it did sound absurd.

[1375] Like I would never be saying Daryl Hammond.

[1376] Right.

[1377] There's no one called Daryl.

[1378] You know why?

[1379] Because when I say, I want to say Daryl Hammond.

[1380] Yeah.

[1381] That's what I want.

[1382] It's Daryl Hammond.

[1383] Yeah.

[1384] Hammond.

[1385] It is.

[1386] Well, anyway.

[1387] Yes, I was intimidated by her because she is not concerned.

[1388] This is my, she is not concerned about being nice.

[1389] She's not a people please her.

[1390] I think she might be.

[1391] She just does it in a different way.

[1392] I, and.

[1393] Which is interesting.

[1394] because you you hate people that are nice.

[1395] I don't hate people.

[1396] Everyone that knows you knows this.

[1397] You hate people that are nice.

[1398] I don't hate people that are nice.

[1399] But one, I don't believe in nice.

[1400] Like, I don't think that's a real quality that people have.

[1401] And it's definitely not something I'm like looking for in a person.

[1402] Like if someone's like, oh, you should meet this person.

[1403] They're so nice.

[1404] I'm like, I don't care about that.

[1405] Like, I don't need people to be.

[1406] nice.

[1407] But you needed her to be nice.

[1408] I did.

[1409] I wanted her to make me, I didn't feel, I felt so insecure.

[1410] That's what it was.

[1411] I felt really insecure.

[1412] There we go.

[1413] Yeah.

[1414] Yeah.

[1415] And it made me feel unsafe.

[1416] And I wanted her to be nice.

[1417] Yeah.

[1418] And she, by the way, she was so nice.

[1419] Like she was very kind of.

[1420] She had scones out for us.

[1421] But I was, yeah, because she just made me insecure because she's so I'm really glad you got there.

[1422] I won't have forced you to get there, but I'm really proud of you.

[1423] I'm proud of you now.

[1424] Oh, good.

[1425] What?

[1426] I am.

[1427] I know.

[1428] Can you be nitpicky?

[1429] Sure.

[1430] She didn't make you insecure.

[1431] You were insecure.

[1432] Yeah.

[1433] I didn't say she made me. You did.

[1434] You're going to regret this now, too.

[1435] You said she made me insecure.

[1436] She made me feel insecure, is maybe what I said.

[1437] She also didn't make you feel.

[1438] Well, that's where I disagree with you.

[1439] No. She didn't make you feel insecure.

[1440] You felt insecure.

[1441] She can't make you feel anyway.

[1442] Well, look, stop.

[1443] First of all, first of all, she didn't do anything to make me feel insecure or small or anything.

[1444] But I felt insecure in her presence.

[1445] However, I do not think what your general mantra about that is true.

[1446] I think there are things people can do to you that are put.

[1447] that are meant to make you feel small and insecure and whatever it is.

[1448] She did not do that.

[1449] You're right.

[1450] People can do that.

[1451] They can say something that is mean or offensive or cutting.

[1452] But if you're a megalomaniac, you won't feel anything.

[1453] You can only feel that way if you have that insecurity.

[1454] So they're quite irrelevant in the acquaintance.

[1455] Yes.

[1456] I disagree with you on this.

[1457] Anybody could say to me you're too short.

[1458] it would never ever have an effect on me because I'm I don't have a fear of that.

[1459] That to me is not a good example because that's not I think anyone would say to you to make you feel bad about yourself.

[1460] I mean, like give a real life example.

[1461] There is there is if someone is talking to me with the intent to hurt my feelings, it's going to.

[1462] No, I'll give you, I can, I can debunk this in a second.

[1463] it's all about that person's status.

[1464] So if you're walking down the street and a guy, a homeless dude in a sleeping bag with a huge boil on his forehead says you, you're ugly.

[1465] Yeah.

[1466] You're not going to feel ugly.

[1467] Yes, I would.

[1468] Okay.

[1469] Yes, I would.

[1470] I understand that you might not have that same reaction, but I would.

[1471] I wouldn't let it like ruin my life or I wouldn't probably be thinking about it all for a week, but.

[1472] The point is that the reaction you, you have to something is yours.

[1473] You have to own that.

[1474] And you can control that.

[1475] There are ways that you can control that.

[1476] You can become impervious to those things.

[1477] If you have 100 % self -esteem, there isn't something that someone could say to you that would make you feel bad about yourself.

[1478] You would just, you would love yourself and you feel good about yourself.

[1479] And you would recognize immediately, oh, that's that person's thing.

[1480] That person feels small.

[1481] So they're trying to make me feel small so that they feel big.

[1482] And you'd see it for exactly what it was.

[1483] you would feel no way.

[1484] They couldn't make you feel that way.

[1485] You can still recognize that that's what's happening and still feel the thing that they are trying to make you feel.

[1486] I don't, and by the way, no one has 100 % self -esteem.

[1487] No one on planet Earth does.

[1488] You're right.

[1489] But if you can imagine the scenario where someone does, you then can work backwards and go like, oh, it's really my, it's really my thing.

[1490] Now, I agree with you.

[1491] People can say mean things.

[1492] They're objectively mean or they're objectively trying to make you feel like, shit.

[1493] But again, someone that's really feeling great about themselves could see that that thing that they just said wasn't about you.

[1494] It was about them.

[1495] And if you can really know that in a moment, I can't do that all the time.

[1496] But sometimes I can see, oh, that person's really insecure.

[1497] They said that to me to try to elevate them above me. And it has no effect.

[1498] When I can recognize that.

[1499] I'm like, oh, that doesn't even affect me. So that's what I mean is that, Your feelings, I think the more you own your own feelings, the better.

[1500] I think that's true, but I also recognize the reality of life and that we aren't, your feelings don't exist in a, in a vacuum or a bubble.

[1501] And they also shouldn't.

[1502] Like that is how you connect with other humans.

[1503] It's okay to let other people affect you in good ways.

[1504] And the converse of that is there might affect you in bad ways, too.

[1505] Sure, but I think it's very cancerous in a relationship.

[1506] So to phrase things that you hurt my feelings, you made me mad.

[1507] No, you did this.

[1508] You say what's objectively true.

[1509] You said, I don't like your nose.

[1510] I felt very ugly and insecure.

[1511] Yeah, that's true.

[1512] And then that person has an opportunity to go, well, hold on.

[1513] I'm so sorry.

[1514] That's the last thing I would want you to feel as ugly and insecure.

[1515] I'm super hot for big pronounced noses.

[1516] That was a compliment.

[1517] Like, if you phrase it that way, you at least have the option of finding out what the person's intentions are.

[1518] But if you just say you made me, now the person's just defensive and then you're fighting about what the person intended to do to you and you'll never end up anywhere.

[1519] Right.

[1520] So I just imagine you and Amy Schumer in a relationship and I would just want you to say to her.

[1521] Okay.

[1522] My semantics were off.

[1523] I felt insecure.

[1524] Yeah, well, I'm very proud of you for saying that.

[1525] Thank you.

[1526] Is this conversation making you feel insecure?

[1527] No, it's not.

[1528] Now we just spent so much time talking about the semantics of how you say that, that I didn't really even get to say that I felt insecure because she has this enviable quality.

[1529] Oh, my God, what is that?

[1530] Someone's getting after a dirt bike outside.

[1531] It sounds like an elephant.

[1532] She has a very enviable quality of not appearing like she needs your approval.

[1533] She's not like trying to be sugary and nice to get it.

[1534] Right.

[1535] And that's, yeah, that's a, that's a fantastic quality to have.

[1536] I agree.

[1537] I aspire to that.

[1538] Okay, so she said 95 % of art hanging in museum.

[1539] is made by men.

[1540] Okay.

[1541] So work by women artist makes up only three to five percent of major permanent collections in the U .S. and Europe and 34 percent in Australian state museums.

[1542] So, yeah, so she's right.

[1543] So I wonder if Australia must have, like, mandated.

[1544] Maybe.

[1545] Or maybe they're just more.

[1546] Yeah.

[1547] Yeah.

[1548] Maybe they had more women.

[1549] Watch me. What if I, what if I immediately learn no lesson?

[1550] And I go, well, my art's not hanging in a museum either.

[1551] I can relate to those women.

[1552] My art's not hanging in museum either.

[1553] Zero percent of my arts in museums.

[1554] Yeah.

[1555] So you guys are 5 % better than me. I wonder if Australians, I don't know enough about Australian history, if they have more women in their like parliament or whatever they have.

[1556] Right.

[1557] What do they have?

[1558] I don't even know.

[1559] Yeah, parliament.

[1560] I don't know.

[1561] They weren't part of the Commonwealth.

[1562] There still are.

[1563] I feel like they would have a parliament.

[1564] Yeah.

[1565] It's shameful.

[1566] We don't know that.

[1567] I know.

[1568] But they did have women's suffrage before us.

[1569] I do believe that.

[1570] Although they were a little later on gay marriage, so I feel good about that.

[1571] You know, it's all.

[1572] Give and take.

[1573] I had that thought.

[1574] When we were in New York, I was with Kristen in New York.

[1575] And Kristen spoke at the General Assembly at the UN.

[1576] and she was speaking and there was this other French singer there.

[1577] Her name was Luann and I forget her last name, which is a part of this story.

[1578] She's a famous singer in France and I was like, who is this?

[1579] Like who is this person?

[1580] And we were looking her up and she was a beautiful singer.

[1581] She was like a 21 year old or something.

[1582] She was so young and sweet.

[1583] And she knew Kristen, obviously.

[1584] And I was like, oh, we are so, like, none of us know Luann.

[1585] No one knew her in America.

[1586] Right.

[1587] And all of the French people know Kristen.

[1588] But you know what's funny is you feel bad about that.

[1589] And so that's something Kristen would feel bad about too.

[1590] But I don't feel bad about that at all.

[1591] Not at all.

[1592] Tell you why.

[1593] We lead the world in entertainment.

[1594] It's just that simple.

[1595] If you look at the international box office, we're making all the movies.

[1596] So no matter what country you're in, you're watching American movies.

[1597] That's not our fault.

[1598] If French movies and French songs were popular around the world or here, we would know about it.

[1599] We know Mercedes -Benz.

[1600] They make a very popular car.

[1601] We know what's popular worldwide, just like everyone else knows what's popular.

[1602] I don't feel any guilt about that.

[1603] I feel bad about not knowing anyone else's history.

[1604] That's pretty shameful.

[1605] Well, I just think, you know, well, part of it is language.

[1606] Right.

[1607] We don't know what she's saying, so we're not going to, you know, play it on the radio.

[1608] But most other countries teach people English, many.

[1609] They certainly do.

[1610] Also, all those movies are dubbed into French.

[1611] I've been overseas and heard myself speaking Italian, which is a very exciting experience.

[1612] Yeah, that's true.

[1613] But most other countries know.

[1614] Most people know at least a rudimentary level of English.

[1615] Yeah.

[1616] And we don't.

[1617] But again, I'll just say this.

[1618] This is where someone like Eric and Brett Weinstein would point out.

[1619] People have to be, all humans have to be incentivized for anything.

[1620] People don't just do things out of the goodness of their heart all day long.

[1621] They have a finite amount of time and they have people depending on them.

[1622] And people do things they're incentivized to do.

[1623] So a lot of these countries are incentivized to learn English so they can have commerce.

[1624] I mean, that's what it's for.

[1625] Or they have a huge tourism with English -speaking people.

[1626] So it's like it's not like they're doing it out of the goodness of their heart.

[1627] They're not better people than us.

[1628] They just are incentivized to learn English.

[1629] Yeah.

[1630] I mean, that's my take on it.

[1631] I think that's probably true.

[1632] But it leads to, I think, an openness and a diversity, a more.

[1633] egocentrism on our part, I think, for sure.

[1634] Yeah, but on their part, it leads to better things, I think, to have more of a widespread knowledge of other countries and what's going on and diversity and this and that.

[1635] Sure.

[1636] Which I don't think we have.

[1637] But again, you know, every American knows the leader of Russia.

[1638] We don't know the leader of Thailand because one poses a big threat to us.

[1639] us.

[1640] So in the U .S. and if you want to get critical of us, we pose a big threat to everyone.

[1641] So like, I just think it's very relevant to know the leaders in a bit of history about the countries that are having dramatic sway over the global trajectory.

[1642] So like...

[1643] But China is and we do not know very much.

[1644] I don't think of the average person on the street could tell you who is ruling China.

[1645] I totally agree with you.

[1646] But we generally we'll have we'll know like we'll know the england's uh prime minister you know we we know that some people we'll know the leaders in the middle east because we're you know we're scared we know i know i know octinabjad or whatever you know who was the iranian president i know about the atollah kamani and you know i know about people that uh have an have a potential impact on my life And I think generally all people around the world are a prize of who could impact their life.

[1647] But I think if that's really the case, then we would know more about the China, China, probably India, things that like where the technology boom is really happening.

[1648] And they're the ones that are really a threat to us.

[1649] Yeah.

[1650] To our status.

[1651] Mm -hmm.

[1652] Our economic superiority.

[1653] Mm -hmm.

[1654] Yeah.

[1655] Well, and they're the, they're the two, you know, those second and third biggest markets or first and third biggest markets for selling goods.

[1656] There's probably some smart Americans that do speak Chinese, Mandarin, Cantonese, because they want to do business.

[1657] They're incentivized.

[1658] Yeah.

[1659] Oh, I wanted to clarify this story about Kevin because I think it gets confusing.

[1660] Kevin is Kristen's ex -boyfriend of five years.

[1661] Five and a half years.

[1662] Yeah.

[1663] Yeah.

[1664] And Kevin's sister was and his best friends with Amy.

[1665] So it gets kind of muddy in the story.

[1666] So people are sort of confused.

[1667] That's the thing.

[1668] Okay.

[1669] That's what it.

[1670] That's the web.

[1671] The redheaded guy from the Vince Vaughn movies, Cole Hauser, you said, yeah, right?

[1672] He's in my favorite movie.

[1673] Yes, he's in Goodwill Hunting.

[1674] He's one of the four.

[1675] I saw a scene the other day that was on TV and I noticed he was in there.

[1676] Yeah.

[1677] Which was interesting because he was very much.

[1678] in the Vince Vaughn pack.

[1679] Well, see, so yeah, that's what she said and you said.

[1680] And then I was looking at IMDB to see, to see.

[1681] And then all I saw that he was in was the breakup.

[1682] Right, but he hung with him.

[1683] He was like a part of the crew, like, Lance Peter.

[1684] But he wasn't in like all his movies.

[1685] No, no. No, he was just bros with him.

[1686] I see.

[1687] Yeah.

[1688] So you said you saw Foster the People at Bonarue.

[1689] and they just had their breakout hit pumped up kicks so then you did that okay that is not pumped up kicks oh that is young folks oh yeah so what i wonder which song was a hit when i saw them i know maybe you didn't see foster the people do they sing pumped up kicks they sing pumped up kicks And the melody does sound kind of, it does sound kind of similar.

[1690] Okay.

[1691] But I feel certain.

[1692] That's the song.

[1693] That's called Young Folks.

[1694] And it's by Peter, Bjorn, and John.

[1695] Okay.

[1696] Also, one of the drunken moments of my life was involved Peter, Bjorn, and John.

[1697] Not really.

[1698] I mean, it's not a story worth telling, really.

[1699] but I was so, I got so drunk.

[1700] Plastered?

[1701] By major accident.

[1702] Like I did not intend.

[1703] It wasn't like a big party.

[1704] I went to Busby's.

[1705] Oh, wow.

[1706] Rachel used to, my friend Rachel.

[1707] Uh -huh.

[1708] We love her.

[1709] Love Rachel.

[1710] My old roommate Rachel used to love Busby's.

[1711] And I. Is it a sports bar?

[1712] Yeah.

[1713] In Los Angeles.

[1714] It sure sounds like one.

[1715] I'd torch the place if it wasn't.

[1716] in a sports bar named Busbys.

[1717] It should be called boners.

[1718] It might as well be, yeah.

[1719] They were probably like, I don't mean to be, I really don't mean to hate on it, especially because they have a real still, they have like a love, a nostalgic love for it.

[1720] Rachel and my friend Lizzie.

[1721] So anyway, they went a lot and I wasn't a huge fan.

[1722] But I went.

[1723] You preferred boners across the street.

[1724] Because they played more Georgia games.

[1725] It was more just like straight, cut to the chase at boners.

[1726] Anyway, I got so, so, so, so drunk.

[1727] And Anthony and I were in the car, we were going home.

[1728] And I guess that's like when the drunk sort of hit.

[1729] And I don't, this isn't a good story because I was so drunk, I barely remember what happened.

[1730] But I guess there was some billboard or maybe that song was on.

[1731] And he was trying to say Pete Bjorn and John.

[1732] And I couldn't understand what he.

[1733] he was saying and then I kept I think I kept saying Bjork like I would thought it was Bjork okay and there was a lot of confusion and I think that was when he realized how drunk I was and you were driving he was driving oh my god I'm teasing oh my god anyway I'll probably cut that out because it doesn't make sense but it was a very strange it was a very strange I got I think I was I I mean everyone thinks this when I get too drunk but I really think I was slipped something because I didn't have very much.

[1734] One of my most regrettable moments was Brie thought she had been slipped something and I just thought she got too drunk.

[1735] It was later revealed that a guy that was going to those parties got caught for slipping.

[1736] And I was like, who would slip you something?

[1737] We were clearly together.

[1738] Like, what was the guy I think was going to happen?

[1739] And then in retrospect, I probably, you know, I should have probably believed her.

[1740] I know, but...

[1741] It's tricky.

[1742] It's a judgment call.

[1743] You don't know.

[1744] You don't know.

[1745] But I was.

[1746] Okay.

[1747] You talked about your small house on this episode.

[1748] My small house.

[1749] Yeah, that you have a house that's pretty small and manageable and like you're proud of that.

[1750] Right.

[1751] And I asked you, does it bother you that you're, and I think everyone knows this because we talk about this on the podcast that you're moving into a new house.

[1752] and that house is not as small as your current house.

[1753] Yeah, it bothers me. The tradeoff for me is that the yard's really big.

[1754] Yeah.

[1755] And to me, to me, like, that's value.

[1756] Having a big yard, that's worth it.

[1757] Having a big house seems like a little ostentatious or flashy.

[1758] Right.

[1759] Like a yard is like, that's your life.

[1760] You're like playing ball in the backyard with the girls, all that stuff.

[1761] So.

[1762] And I don't, by the way.

[1763] I don't think it's.

[1764] ostentatious or crazy to have a nice house when you can afford it at all.

[1765] Well, I think it would be more than you would use.

[1766] Like I've been to many people's houses where I know like 60 % of that house, no one's been in it in two years or since the last time they gave someone a tour of the house.

[1767] And I think that's ego and weirdness.

[1768] I know you do.

[1769] And I think, and you disagree, but I think living outside your means, and living under your means in order to say and feel good about yourself is all ego.

[1770] I think it's all the same thing, just manifesting in two different ways.

[1771] Okay, so I totally agree with you, but I also think there are healthy ego pursuits and I think there's bad ego pursuits.

[1772] Like my ego feels good when I've worked hard and completed a script, and I think that's a sustainable good one.

[1773] Yeah.

[1774] And I think when I, you know, do a donut in the middle of an intersection to impress a dude, that's not a great one.

[1775] That's true.

[1776] You know?

[1777] That is true.

[1778] Yeah.

[1779] But I'm, you know.

[1780] I just don't think there's.

[1781] I understand.

[1782] I feel you.

[1783] It feels a little, it feels wasteful.

[1784] I think we could agree maybe wastefulness is not super moral.

[1785] Well, look, if there's like four bedrooms sitting.

[1786] Yeah.

[1787] Doing, you know, sitting, collecting.

[1788] any living rooms and like this grand dining room no one's ever eaten in and then you know all this kind of now but look I'm probably by my my standard someone else probably thinks is insane because I'm going to have a movie theater in the basement and that's probably ridiculous and I'm going to have a place to hold a bunch of vehicles well that I think all everyone would agree everyone should have a bunch of cars see yeah it's just what we choose yeah but Let me just defend Kristen publicly.

[1789] Her only desire for a big house is to have lots of people stay there.

[1790] But this is my point.

[1791] This is exactly it.

[1792] She doesn't need defending.

[1793] It doesn't need defending that she's a incredibly successful, rich person.

[1794] Who wants a nice house?

[1795] She can have a nice house.

[1796] She's not.

[1797] No, I'm in the nice houses.

[1798] Can I just tell you that?

[1799] There are tons of really expensive architectural masterpieces that I'm like, fuck yeah.

[1800] That's awesome.

[1801] If you could spend eight million.

[1802] million dollars on that thing and it was designed by Frank Gary or whatever and it's it's so thoughtfully constructed and the materials are so cool like I'm into that I just as you know what it makes me think of like when I drive around rich suburbs of cities and people have these fucking 13 ,000 square foot McMansions I find it a little vomitist I know yeah I think I find that gaudy yeah yeah you say it whimsically Yeah, I want that.

[1803] Well, I hope you get it.

[1804] And I will not be judgmental of you when you buy the Cecil B. DeMille compound.

[1805] All right.

[1806] Okay, that's it.

[1807] I love you.

[1808] I love you.

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