#100 - Brian Redban

[0] We got snow bells and whistles We got no guests We ain't got shit This is the 100th episode And it will go to 100 The way it began With no form Not knowing what the fuck we're doing Sitting in front of a laptop with snow The stupid karaoke snow effect Yeah I listened to it today Actually on the way over here It's brutal It's unlistenable there was times where there was like 15 seconds 20 seconds of dead air where we're just fucking sitting there like looking at things yeah that wasn't really supposed to be on iTunes we should have never let it go on iTunes yeah what it is you know it was just we were just fucking around we just what it would start it was it Anthony Coombe's show well actually I remember a while ago when Justin TV came out we used to always be on the road in the green room and I always tried to like set up like a video like in the green room thing we did it a few times with Joey Diaz and then Joey Diaz got pissed and twisted my finger remember that he got mad because he didn't want the camera on anymore and he grabbed my hand and started twisting my finger it was crazy like he got really upset well Joey I think Joey has to be funny all the time in his eyes and when Joey's backstage if he's just sitting there like what what do you want to do I'm not even hungry you know he doesn't want people to see that you know he doesn't want people to see the the normal average everyday Joey he just wants Joey when he's on right you know so yeah after that that that incident I was like all right I'm not doing this anymore and then we tried it again Joey's a lot more sensitive things than he think he is, man. You know, Joey, Joey said something to me. Remember when I came down, when we were headed to the show in Portland and Joey got mad?

[1] Yeah.

[2] That was ridiculous.

[3] That came out of nowhere, too.

[4] It was just me and him sitting there waiting for you to come down.

[5] It was really weird.

[6] I mean, the bottom line was, I had to take a shit.

[7] And sometimes, who's that me or you?

[8] It's probably.

[9] It's probably me. You know, when you have to take a shit, sometimes you don't time it well.

[10] Sometimes, like, you're running out the door.

[11] I'm like, God damn, I think I've got to go.

[12] Let me just see if I can.

[13] get this out real quick and it's like, I'm like, God damn it.

[14] I do have to take a shit, but I haven't had enough lettuce today.

[15] I hate that when you have to speed up a shit.

[16] That's the worst.

[17] That's not cool at all.

[18] It's not healthy.

[19] The worst is when you're thinking about not taking a shit and then you do and you go, God, I can't believe I was just going to walk around for the next couple hours of that inside of me. Yeah.

[20] Or the girlfriend's shit.

[21] Where you get a new girlfriend and you can't shit in front of her?

[22] I shit in front of everybody.

[23] You got to deal with it.

[24] You have to?

[25] Yeah.

[26] I don't mind if they do it either.

[27] It's life.

[28] Yeah.

[29] But it just kind of sucks.

[30] You just meet this girl.

[31] You're trying to be, like, all sexy and hot, and your bathrooms right next to your veterans.

[32] Here's a deal.

[33] I'm going to take a stinky shit.

[34] I hope you can deal with it.

[35] If you're not, you don't get no more of this good dick.

[36] That's what you got to tell her.

[37] Let her know, man. It's a commodity.

[38] You didn't look through my camera, by the way, that I left here.

[39] No, I did not.

[40] Oh, God, damn it.

[41] That's great.

[42] And if I did, I wouldn't, you know what I'm reliable.

[43] Well, not my first, but my one or first or second home movie, sex movie.

[44] Oh, really?

[45] And we were just like, let's see what it looks like.

[46] Do you like how you look?

[47] No, because it was a side profile.

[48] And I noticed that my gut just kind of sits on her ass when I'm fucking her.

[49] I've never noticed that before.

[50] So now I'm like looking at 24 -hour fitness and shit like that.

[51] But I left my - Your gut rests on her ass like a fanny pack.

[52] Yeah, it was crazy.

[53] And I left it here, though, and immediately I saw it, like, oh, my God, that video could easily have just gotten out.

[54] And that could have fucking, that's how it happens.

[55] That is how it happens.

[56] Yeah, yeah, you fuck around and leave a phone behind.

[57] Exactly.

[58] Yeah.

[59] Jason Tebow has this thing with Sam.

[60] triply that every time they leave their phone around or somebody gets their phone and it's unlocked take pictures of the dicks yeah and or put like black dicks and stuff like that like jason likes black dick and last uh last night uh jason's did his mom though and was saying i like black dick did his mom what you mean uh she left she was like oh look at these photos i took and so he did his mom's facebook and put like you know wait man wait a minute his mom left her phone behind yeah so he took her phone and got on facebook and put pictures of black dicks yes it's or i don't know if He put black things, but he said something like, I really like black muff or something like that.

[61] Whoa, really?

[62] Yeah.

[63] His mom?

[64] Yeah, his mom's pretty sweet, though.

[65] She's pretty sweet.

[66] She's a lesbian.

[67] She just hangs out with the boys type thing.

[68] Yeah, she's pretty cool.

[69] His mom's pretty sweet.

[70] You sound like cart man. She's pretty sweet.

[71] His mom is pretty sweet.

[72] I had one friend that had a mama who's a lesbian growing up, but he never admitted it, man. Took it forever.

[73] Took forever before he came clean.

[74] Oh, he knew about it.

[75] Everybody knew.

[76] his mom was living with this woman with a crew cut with with like big arms she had like she would wear like larry the cable guy clothes yeah she would wear like sleeveless shirts like sleeveless vest and shit yeah and she had these like these big like floppy truck driver arms right you know and she was he was a dyke there's no getting around it she was but she was you know my friend did not want to come clean though why i would be so he wants to be normal man everybody wants to be normal you remember joie dyes's stories about wanting to be a white kid yeah he's not white that's right well I mean that's kind of ridiculous you hear that bitch is that's called a slurp people go I hate when you make that slurping noise can't you turn your microphone off just fucking deal with it man when I was listening to episode number one in the car that was another thing that the mic sucks so bad there was parts where things were dropping and just blew your speakers out like that's that's pretty annoying you know one thing I didn't know is a lot of people you know say why do you stitcher I had no ideas I talked to the president recently and we were talking about the whole incident and stuff like that the incident the RSS incidents we had a beer and you know he said a lot of things that i had no idea that stitcher did and one thing was that stitcher normalizes the whole audio so when there's big loud burst and stuff like that which is what we should be doing we should be doing we actually used to do that uh uh um but it made that the audio too quiet because it for some i don't know you know i'm not an audio engineer but it didn't work right yeah we need compression i heard that compression was actually not the way to go though a lot of audio engineers that work at radio stations here in l .a actually told me that that's not the way to go is to use software post but who knows post yeah yeah but then you have to edit it you have to put it through post before you well i think it's just a plug in in what the program i use which is logic and it automatically just does that right but you have to run it through the program meaning you can't do it live right right they're doing it live yeah they're doing it live and i guess there's by saying there i'm talking about the adam carroll show yeah i have podcast envy i went to his setup it's so dope he's got i mean there's something cool about that you and i are just chilling in my office.

[77] We always do it this way.

[78] It's either in your office or in my office.

[79] That's what we do it.

[80] There's something cool about that, but his setup is pretty fucking sweet.

[81] He's doing a radio show.

[82] You actually got one of the same mics that he used, I guess, Mark Marin and him both used, and we tried it out, and it didn't sound as good.

[83] Well, ours is a lot louder, but I think a part of that is, this show is a little more unstructured, so there's people leaning back and yelling and stuff like that.

[84] It's not really any of that going on in Marin's show.

[85] There's not really any of that going on the Carole show, you know, I think for our purposes, these are better.

[86] Do you listen to any podcasts besides, you know, or just kind of here and there?

[87] I listen to disinfo.

[88] I listen to psychedelic salon.

[89] Psychedelic salon is kind of cool because it's a podcast, but really it's a bunch of old audio recordings, like old Terrence McKenna recordings or, you know, stuff like that.

[90] So I listen to that stuff, but honestly, I try to listen to the news or I listen to talk radio for two reasons.

[91] One, you know, to see if there's anybody that I agree with.

[92] And two, to see if there's anybody that's just completely out to lunch.

[93] Like, I listen to Patriot on Sirius Satellite Radio.

[94] The reason why I listen to it, it's just, it's all fucking bananas.

[95] It's all these crazy assholes that want to bury gold, and they're ready for the whole thing to come tumbling down.

[96] They got their guns ready.

[97] And this Obama, what he's trying to do with this air gun, you know, those guys.

[98] You don't fall for that shit.

[99] That doesn't get in the back of your head.

[100] Like, oh, my God, they're right.

[101] We need to collect gold.

[102] No. You don't fall ready.

[103] Come on, man. think if the shit hits the fan, gold's not what we're going to need.

[104] We're going to need bullets and gasoline.

[105] That's what I think.

[106] Bullets, gasoline, guns, places to stay, somewhere you go where there's no radiation.

[107] When the shit hits the fan, there's so many, human beings have devised so many ways to fuck each other up that if something ever really chaotic happened at this point in time where we really went into like nuclear warfare, man, the gold ain't going to help you, dog.

[108] Every time I'm away from L .A., this is the reason, one of the things I maybe we should leave LA someday because every time I'm away from LA like I was out of town this weekend and when I was away I was like now's a good time if shit was to happen this would be a good time because I'm kind of out of the crowd I could escape easier you know because there's not a whole bunch of traffic and Solvane and like I think I have like a whole suitcase of shit I have my computers and stuff I think at a certain point in time it becomes completely unnecessary to be in such a large group of people the only benefit of it is that because there's so many people you're going to get And especially because it's such a, like, a desired area.

[109] You get a lot of fascinating people here.

[110] Yeah.

[111] And, like, if you move to Denver, like, what are you going to do with the podcast, fly Freddy Lockhart out on a plane?

[112] I don't know.

[113] I think what I could do is there's three comedy clubs in Denver.

[114] There's two comedy works, and there's one improv.

[115] I could talk to the people that are coming in for that.

[116] I can interview them.

[117] Make it like a radio show, kind of.

[118] Yeah, there's local comics.

[119] There's a strong local comic scene in Denver.

[120] so I could always like have those guys come on and we could do Skype too I did Ariel Halwani his MMA show I did it yesterday and I did it through Skype it's pretty badass man how did it sounds he sounds great I use that stupid snowball microphone the only thing that's kind of fucked though is that you can't hear your own voice right I'm just ways to set it up that you could definitely yeah you could use these mics yeah as an example yeah and if I had it set up like this like in like if I had it set up like this in Colorado and you had it set up like this in California and we just Skyped it together, we could do a podcast.

[121] It would be pretty easy.

[122] But then once I show you how sweet Colorado is, you're going to want to move, too.

[123] But there's not as many of your type of girls out there.

[124] Yeah.

[125] I know.

[126] You'd have to change your standards.

[127] Yeah.

[128] I think it's, I don't know, that, hippie is just what's mostly there, right?

[129] Like people that are working out and hippie.

[130] Yes, boulder's a lot of that.

[131] Boulder's hippie and boulders, people in a really good shape.

[132] Right.

[133] But no one wears makeup.

[134] No one looks like a horror.

[135] Yeah.

[136] Yeah, that's kind of a bummer.

[137] I'm going to have to get the girl pregnant or something.

[138] There's not a lot of girls like the ones that you're around all the time in California.

[139] There's not a lot.

[140] That's very rare for the whole world.

[141] Yeah.

[142] Well, that's, you know, I go ups and downs.

[143] You know, my dating is not, it's like a stock market graph.

[144] You know, it's like I don't really look for what I date.

[145] But what I'm saying is living in Los Angeles is giving you access.

[146] to these girls.

[147] I know, why leave that?

[148] That's worth it.

[149] That's worth death.

[150] At least you die with a hard on.

[151] I mean, you can find hot chicks in Colorado.

[152] They're just not going to be quite so needy.

[153] Yeah.

[154] It's fucked up.

[155] You know, ever since I got in this relationship, I already see my stand -up going away.

[156] Just like how it always does.

[157] It's like, hey, do you want to have sex and hang out with this hot girl?

[158] Or do you want to do stand -up and hang out with four guys that you barely know.

[159] You've got a tricky situation because if you really want to do stand -up, you can't just do it.

[160] during my shows or half hours.

[161] Right.

[162] So I'm making myself go to night, but I'm, you know, I mean, I've been writing because when I'm, you know, I'm not writing as much either.

[163] Yeah, you're weak.

[164] Week.

[165] You just give in, but it's easy to do, man. I did that when I was in high school.

[166] Yeah.

[167] I used to have a whole joke about it about how when I was in high school, I played baseball, I did all these sports until I started getting laid.

[168] And then I was like, whatever with all that other stuff.

[169] My parents was like, what about baseball?

[170] I'm like, yeah, I found this new thing.

[171] I think I like it more.

[172] You know, like, once you start having sex, like, why am I playing baseball?

[173] Yeah.

[174] That's, that shit's boring.

[175] Yeah.

[176] I watch, have you, you don't have your first set on tape, do you?

[177] No, no. Do you?

[178] Yeah, I watched it the other day.

[179] It's awful.

[180] It's horrible.

[181] What sucks is just, just everything sucks.

[182] Do you like the new ones, though?

[183] I like the new ones, definitely.

[184] It's definitely, like, before you could see the nervousness on stage.

[185] And, I mean, this was 2003 or whatever, but it was gross.

[186] I can't even fucking imagine.

[187] It's hard to watch my sets from, like, last night.

[188] Even if I killed, it's still weird, you know?

[189] It's hard.

[190] Even if you're killing.

[191] But, man, if you're not killing, ooh, it's painful.

[192] It's so painful.

[193] Yeah.

[194] But you've got to figure out, bro, if you really want to do it.

[195] Because if you really want to do it, there's only one way to do it.

[196] You've got to go gangbusters.

[197] You've got to, like, put together an act.

[198] You've got a rare opportunity, man. You're on the road with me all the time, so you get to do these sets in front of these giant crowds.

[199] I guess you have...

[200] How I look at stand -up is more as I enjoy doing it kind of like, I like doing it, playing baseball.

[201] You know, I like bowling.

[202] But I guess I'm not looking as in a career -wise.

[203] And I don't think I ever want to do it as a career -wise.

[204] I think, I think if anything, it's just a workout for this podcast even.

[205] So make you more comfortable when you're on.

[206] Yeah, just more comfortable and, you know, thinking of funny ideas and just being creative, you know, because if I'm not doing this, then I'm painting.

[207] If I have to be doing something.

[208] And now, right now it's just...

[209] You just have so much in you need to get out.

[210] Yeah.

[211] right shrooms really is nice to reset that though you need to shroom again soon man it's it's it's I shroom the other day and it's it wasn't the best one but it definitely just opens up how you look at everything it's a reset yeah definitely resetting I do that every time I get in the tank yeah tank's a big reset you need to try that but yeah any any any opportunity that you have to just fucking just step outside of the whole thing and just relax let's take a look at this let's assess this, you know, from an even position.

[212] So many times in life, man, you're just on momentum.

[213] Right.

[214] You know, every one step from the next is like there's something pushing behind you and you just keep moving.

[215] Have you ever forgot to, uh, forgot to put, take off a condom after sex?

[216] Like not, no, like, uh, like sometimes, you know, like, I'll have sex and like, then, you know, when I come and then I'll take the condom throw away, put a new condom on so I can continue and then not come again, but I forget I have that condom on.

[217] You're getting way too personal.

[218] I know.

[219] I know.

[220] I was trying to clean it up a little, but I was shrewing, and then I went to go piss, and I'm sitting there going, oh, and I'm like, wait.

[221] And you're peeing into the condom?

[222] Yeah, I didn't know the condom was on, and I didn't hear the water, and I'm like, what the fuck?

[223] You might be the laziest motherfucker I have ever met my life.

[224] You're so lazy, you can't even take your condom off to pee.

[225] But you know what's crazy.

[226] I can't be bothered.

[227] You never know.

[228] It's all the way down there.

[229] No, I didn't know it was on there, but it's crazy how much pee comes out so fast, because it was like a full balloon when I looked out.

[230] And the first thing you do.

[231] How the fuck does it stay?

[232] on your dick i don't know it stayed on pretty i guess pushy just dried or something i don't know but but but what's crazy your first thing to do is like holy shit and so i just like kind of like pulled it off in the weight of the uh pee dropped into the toilet and just start spraying out back out of the toilet and it would piss everywhere oh that doesn't even make sense how does that condom stay on you while you're pissing it did it didn't it didn't it didn't fall off a lube did you use i didn't um you know what i did use i think i might have had some flesh loop around no I didn't no I was at the no I didn't so it's just whatever lube was on the condom yeah yeah wow that's fucked tight condom it was a tight condom that's ridiculous did you go over your balls huh that's a that's a no joke a friend of mine amier galon um fuck what I forget what his fake name was he used to have a fake name that he used to use on stage I kind of forget what his name was but anyway he uh he had this joke about uh I remember the first time I put on a condom it was really tight I got back from the bathroom the girl was laughing at me I was like, this is fucking painful.

[233] Why are you laughing?

[234] She goes, it doesn't have to go over your balls.

[235] Fucking idiot.

[236] He had a bunch of great jokes.

[237] Here's another one.

[238] Yeah, my friend got his girlfriend pregnant.

[239] They were having anal sex.

[240] You know, the baby looks like shit.

[241] It's so stupid, but...

[242] Anyway, you're so lazy you don't take off your comments.

[243] No, I just forgot.

[244] I was shrooming having sex.

[245] Do you ever feel like an incredibly lazy person?

[246] note do you ever like look at some of the shit that you say um like lazy in general in life yeah just like i i i always think i have some kind of like if i i got my thyroid check but and it was fine but i always think that i always have had some kind of like you know i'm always feel like i need speed like i need something like when i drink so much coffee it doesn't feel like it does anything are you uh do you think you have ADD or something like that or do you one of those fucking buckle up republican guys there is no ADD i would when i was a kid they were just Nuddy.

[247] They're just nutty kids.

[248] They're not diseased.

[249] Stop coddling them.

[250] No, I probably think it's because I just don't work out.

[251] I don't do shit like that.

[252] That my body's just in fifth gear, you know, just slow.

[253] Right.

[254] Your body, yeah, you need to kick your body in the gap.

[255] All this humping should be doing something for you.

[256] Yeah, absolutely.

[257] Shouldn't not be firing up your fucking testosterone bags?

[258] Bang, bang, bang.

[259] Yeah.

[260] No?

[261] Yeah, sure.

[262] I don't know.

[263] What were we talking about?

[264] We were talking about you being lazy as fuck.

[265] Yeah.

[266] I think it's either exercise.

[267] size or it's probably some kind of deficiency of some kind probably that I need like well I know that uh I know friends that are on that Adderall shit and they just said oh I needed it to concentrate and okay I guess but it's speed you know I can't think you're going to last very long on speed yeah I don't like what it feels like I'll have a cup of coffee during the podcast and one cup of coffee's fine but if I have two cups of coffee during the podcast after the podcast is over I feel all amped up.

[268] I feel like, ugh.

[269] I don't feel shitty.

[270] Really?

[271] I don't feel that at all.

[272] You don't feel like there's a lot of energy in your system?

[273] No, it doesn't work.

[274] But what I do notice is that I clinch when I, when instead of feeling that energy, I'll find myself like, really, clenching my teeth really hard.

[275] I don't know.

[276] Out of nowhere?

[277] I do it all the time.

[278] I notice on the way home yesterday because I had two cups of coffee here yesterday.

[279] And I noticed I was driving, I'm like, why am I clenching my teeth?

[280] Like, I don't know what it is.

[281] Like, it's like, it's all going to my.

[282] my jaw.

[283] Dude, you've got to be one of the weirdest motherfuckers I've ever met.

[284] I do it all the time.

[285] If you look back at old Ustreams, you'll see like this line on my, I do this and I bite my cheek.

[286] And are you thinking about anything where you're doing it or you're just doing it?

[287] I'm just like clenchy.

[288] Like you have this energy that you've got to get out.

[289] Yeah, in my mouth.

[290] Squeeze off around.

[291] Wow.

[292] Maybe you have some like unaddressed energy issues.

[293] I do.

[294] You know?

[295] Maybe if you like started doing something like throwing the discus or something like really physical.

[296] Like maybe you would like feel much better I've been trying this Xbox dance game on Connected It works pretty good When are they gonna have some sort of a martial arts game Where like a robot does certain moves And you can kick it You know like it like moves forward And you can leg kick it It moves forward to you can punch it It doesn't have to do much Just just to be a target I think this Connect thing I don't know if you know what Connect is It's like that webcam thing That you put on top of your TV And it detects your body It works I don't know like I'm not I haven't played that much, but the games I've played fucking badass.

[297] It's like where you just hold up your hand.

[298] Like, you can do Netflix.

[299] We're streaming through movies going like this with your hand moving it left or right.

[300] You're stringing through movies.

[301] And then if you want to pick one, you pull your hand out and grab it.

[302] And it's kind of like, whatever, minority report or whatever.

[303] But they have games, too, where you don't have any controllers anymore.

[304] So how accurate is it?

[305] How effective is it?

[306] You know, from what I understand, it's not the best, but I have never noticed it not being accurate.

[307] I think it's pretty accurate.

[308] I've heard the opposite.

[309] So as long as you're not playing like a first person shooter or something where you'd have to be really precise.

[310] I think it's good enough for that.

[311] I think it's good enough for that.

[312] I think it's really based on lighting and clothing because like the girl I was with was wearing a dress and it couldn't detect her separate legs.

[313] So it was kind of fucking up.

[314] So she took off her dress and then it worked perfect.

[315] Oh, it's a trick.

[316] It wanted you to be a whore.

[317] That's what it is.

[318] That's right.

[319] Well, that's what I told her.

[320] It's because you have a dress on.

[321] There's too much clothes on.

[322] God, what are you doing over here?

[323] That's crazy.

[324] So now if you're using it as a, first person shooter how do you pull triggers um see i i don't know i haven't played a first person shooter but what i would imagine i don't know that'd be weird yeah i don't know how they're going to do it we can't talk we can't talk about that one thing but uh there is a crazy first person shooter that we can't talk about something no no why not because i don't think it's known somebody tell us this no that the the video that i showed you that kevin perere might have showed us oh right right right right yeah that's all incognito i didn't know what the fuck you're talking about yeah because you got to think if a guy if you're doing a first person shooter you got to deal with two things one how do you simulate movement like how do you go forward you know you're running how do you run forward and how does the machine know you're running back yeah but because you're not moving forward though no I think it's something to do with your hands like because with the dance game it was like you do like something like that that means forward you go like this and you shake your hand to the right that means you're shooting well ideally what you want is like a giant dome or a ball rather and you'd be inside that ball like a hamster ball right and that ball you have like some sort of a 3D helmet on like a complete you know what is it virtual reality complete virtual reality helmet on and then you would be walking around with this ball you could walk in any direction you know it wouldn't feel totally real like you would kind of be realizing that you're on a ball and then you're stuck in this you know in this thing but that would be I mean other than that how the fuck else could you simulate movement unless you just did it inside like the virtual reality then it wouldn't even be virtual anymore you'd have to do it inside inside I'd, like, put a program and then make a program the exact parameters of, say, an airplane hanger.

[325] Right.

[326] And then you have an empty airplane hanger, and they walk around inside that hangar.

[327] Yeah.

[328] It gets all wired, and you could do it that way.

[329] But then that kind of defeats the whole purpose of virtual reality, right?

[330] Yeah.

[331] The idea is that you're supposed to be able to do it wherever you are.

[332] Yeah.

[333] Would you ever go to Burning Man?

[334] No. Why not?

[335] Too many hippies.

[336] Too many hippies?

[337] I learned about hippies when I moved to Boulder.

[338] I liked them in theory.

[339] Yeah.

[340] I like them in theory.

[341] I don't like a...

[342] a lot of people that are asking for money all the time.

[343] I find that shit would be very annoying.

[344] I don't like people playing shitty songs and wanting a dollar.

[345] Right.

[346] You know, for the most part, they're cool, but, you know, there's just, there's too much of that hippie movement that wants people to help them, you know, and this is how I feel about that.

[347] If I felt like everybody was on the ball and everybody was doing their best, and, you know, I'm a generous person, and I think one of the things about being generous is, if you have the opportunity to do so, it feels really good to be generous, especially if it doesn't affect you.

[348] It's not like you're being generous and it's hurting you.

[349] So I think it's important, but in passing, like say you're passing love to the left, and there's a big circle of people, man. The real problem is there's a lot of fucking people that never keep passing the love.

[350] They take it and then they walk away.

[351] You know, there's some people that are always there for you.

[352] There's some people and they're doing their best and they're living their life and you're doing your best and you're living your life and you're helping each other and you hey man can I borrow your truck I gotta move fuck yeah man come on over dude anytime you got my shit you know you know we're friends you help me I help you we're all together but we all know those the few people that don't contribute they always need something and they don't contribute and my experience that's my experience with hippies that's my experience with a lot of people that you know are like really to like socialist ideals.

[353] A lot of it is because they're fucking lazy, man. They're fucking lazy and they don't work that hard.

[354] And they don't do their part.

[355] And they somehow or another feel like the whole system's unfair, man. Which fuck yeah.

[356] Of course it is.

[357] Of course it's unfair.

[358] Of course it's corrupt.

[359] Of course it's fucked up.

[360] But that's not why you're a loser.

[361] There's a lot of people that aren't losers.

[362] Most people are losers because they're lazy as shit.

[363] And they want to blame other people for that.

[364] And they want to blame society and they want to blame.

[365] Look, society is completely fucked.

[366] Guess what?

[367] It's not like this one person that makes it fuck.

[368] The whole thing is it's fuck because it's on a foundation of bullshit.

[369] It doesn't make any sense.

[370] But knowing that, you see what it is.

[371] Make your path.

[372] Make your path.

[373] Figure out something that you can do to feed yourself.

[374] Okay?

[375] Figure out something you can do to put a roof over your head.

[376] Just figure it out, man. Fucking figure it out.

[377] It doesn't mean you have to be a fucking asshole to be successful.

[378] It doesn't mean you have to be a part of the system, man. No, just stop asking people for money.

[379] Stop being a fucking mooch.

[380] Get your shit together, okay?

[381] That's my problem with hippies.

[382] My problem with hippies is part of the whole idea of being a hippie is being like really nice and being really relaxed.

[383] And sometimes life does not call for that.

[384] Sometimes life calls for you.

[385] You got to get off your fucking ass and make something happen, man. Yeah.

[386] You know, there's a lot.

[387] I had a friend who is his girlfriend was having a baby.

[388] This is many, many years ago.

[389] And I had a fucking scream at this guy.

[390] This guy was unemployed.

[391] And he was like, he couldn't get his shit to.

[392] He couldn't make something happen.

[393] He was trying to be a comedian for a while.

[394] That didn't work out.

[395] And then he was trying to do some other stuff.

[396] He's trying to do some radio and a bunch of things.

[397] And we had this conversation.

[398] And I'm like, man, you've got to realize you're going to become that fucking guy.

[399] You're going to become that unbelievably pathetic guy who can't feed his kids.

[400] Right?

[401] You've got to fucking do something, man. You've got to make something happen.

[402] And, you know, it's not, hey, you know, we really need some food.

[403] Do you think you could help us?

[404] That's the hippie approach to go to people and you've got to make your own fucking way.

[405] You've got to make your own way.

[406] And that was my problem with Boulder.

[407] And that would ultimately, I'm sure, it be my problem with Portland.

[408] It's a bit of my problem with San Francisco.

[409] And it's not that I'm not a kind person.

[410] I'm a very kind person.

[411] But I recognize the difference between someone who's in need and someone who's fucking lazy.

[412] And there's a lot of people that are just weak.

[413] They're weak as shit, man. And they have no philosophy to live their life by.

[414] They have no discipline that they've developed over years of trying to accomplish things to the point where they have this sense of personal sovereignty.

[415] They can take care of themselves.

[416] And it can, it can Nationally, everybody needs help.

[417] But if somebody will help you, if they know that you're the type of person that will help them, and if you know that you're the type of person that does their best, what drives me nuts is when someone wants help.

[418] I'm like, motherfucker, you're not even helping yourself.

[419] Like, look what you're doing for yourself.

[420] And you want someone else to step in and manage your fucking situation?

[421] That's ridiculous, man. That is the number one problem with the whole idea of everyone together, man. The real problem is that everyone doesn't do their fucking part, man. that's the real problem there's a lot of lazy bitches in this world yeah the reason why I was asking about Burning Man is I I've often thought the same thing like fuck hippies you know because I I've been there done that I hate it you know I hated the people to the lazy hip there's good hippie in the bad hippies there's legit hippies right but I hung out with bad hippies it got bad you know so everything else it's like MMA fans you know I have a lot of friends that are MMA fans I have friends have graduated from Harvard friends that are fucking I know guys who are scientists the guy who created Beavis and Budhead, Mike Judge, huge MMA fan.

[422] I mean, there's a lot of intelligent MMA fans.

[423] Yeah.

[424] But then there's a lot of idiots.

[425] Yeah.

[426] But I was looking at these videos lately because the girl goes every year or whatever.

[427] And so there is some fucking cool shit going on at Burning Man. I'm sure.

[428] And I guess you can rent these big RVs, you know, and that's the way to do it.

[429] It's to have your RV.

[430] You don't live in a tent or whatever.

[431] They have showers and stuff.

[432] But there's this thing called, I don't know if you ever heard of it.

[433] It's called, let's see, what are they called?

[434] um her most shit it's a zeotropes have you heard of a zeotrope ziotrope z o i'm sorry zoetrope zoetrope what it is is it's like a carousel type thing like a merrigo round and each kind of you know couple feet there's in like a draw or there's some kind of sculpture like it's like a monkey hanging from a vine and then the next one like you know three feet over is the same monkey but it's kind of changing a little you know so when it turned and you have a flashing light that just flashes at a certain rate it looks like the monkeys are moving.

[435] So it's in the middle of this desert and they have these statues of like people diving down into the ground that just melt into the ground.

[436] They have like these monkey that are spinning.

[437] Check this out right here.

[438] Here's a monkey one.

[439] I don't know if you can see this.

[440] Here's a monkey one.

[441] Oh, that is badass.

[442] And it's fucking trippy.

[443] So basically they've done is animation.

[444] Animation, yeah.

[445] Just like the old claymation models They used to use for King Kong and shit Yeah or like a little flip book Where you draw on a flip pick and you flip it through That's badass man I'm down with the artistic end of it You know I'm down with the whole idea Of all these artists getting together And doing cool shit I just think there'd be a lot of stinky people I just wonder why I don't know or maybe they have Why doesn't a collection of people like yourself Do a comedy show while they're there Because that is huge No I'd rather not perform there If I was going to go there I'd want to hang out have fun.

[446] Well, I mean, you can hang out.

[447] Imagine performing once, like a woodstock of comedy, psychedelic comedy.

[448] There would be so much mushrooms and so much everything else going around.

[449] I would be too fucked up.

[450] I wouldn't want to be talking on stage through a microphone.

[451] That's the last thing you want to do when you're on shrooms.

[452] Oh, I mean, yeah, you just don't do shrooms that hour and a half, two hours.

[453] Yeah, I think if you're there, you just want to experience it.

[454] That's what I would want to do.

[455] Yeah, I perform enough, man. I perform plenty.

[456] You know, I think I, uh, Freddie Soto, used to say this back in the day you know people used to offer freddie gigs at like uh bars and stuff like that he's like no thank you i appreciate it but i only do comedy clubs man that's it and that was his he just is like it's not worth it man you go to these bars and everyone's talking and you can't do your act right you rush it because you're trying to get their attention and he was totally right you know he's totally right and that's kind of how i am right now i only do shows i'll do you know here's my show i'm doing it's i'm at this theater come see me i'm at this comedy club company and that's and then there's no problems there's no hassles it is what it is but if you're just doing a fucking like you're at a tent with some speakers and you're on the stage and all these people are all they're all fucked out of their minds you know why should they pay attention to you shouldn't you would feel illegitimate standing there asking them to if you knew that everyone in the crowd was on mushrooms you would have nothing to say you're like unless i'm on mushrooms too what am i going to tell you guys i'm not going to tell you shit man you're communicating with the alien overlords right now you know these beings that have come on asteroids and their spores have infested this earth, you're communicating with them through eating them.

[457] What I'm going to tell you some stupid dick jokes?

[458] Yeah, but you're pretty known for being a psychedelic speaker.

[459] I mean, you always do the marijuana shows here in town and stuff like that for the same reason to the same kind of people.

[460] Yeah, but I think part of being into psychedelics and understanding psychedelics and have had psychedelic experiences, it sort of negates any idea of you wanting that sort of attention.

[461] Like doing a show.

[462] Like when you're doing a show, the beautiful thing about a show is that people enjoy it and they have a good fucking time.

[463] They come see a comedy show, but that's not what you want to do when you're jazzed out of your head.

[464] If you're on psychedelics, you don't want to go see a comedy show, you know?

[465] I don't want to see anything structured.

[466] I certainly don't want someone on stage, like forcing their, like, there's a lot of things you say on stage in a comedy show that's just to get a laugh.

[467] You know, that's what it's there for.

[468] It's there to spice up the show, to have more fun, and those things will stand out like fucking wet shits in your underwear.

[469] They're just like, oh, what's this?

[470] If you're on mushrooms, every, like, joky joke that you have would just be like, Buhlisn, bring Doug Benson and some black lights and some body paint.

[471] It might be a good time.

[472] Doug Benson would just be hugging girls.

[473] Hi, you can have a hug, too.

[474] Can we have a hug?

[475] I've never met anybody who's high more consistently than Doug Benson.

[476] Yeah.

[477] Every now and then he'll send me a tweet.

[478] You're high right now, aren't you?

[479] You're high right now, aren't you?

[480] I'm like, I know you are, motherfucker.

[481] It's so funny because I never knew that was real.

[482] Like when I first met Doug, I thought the whole marijuana thing was kind of like an act, kind of like an Andrew Dice Clay, kind of like, you know, like he was doing it.

[483] I mean, he might have smoked weed, but I didn't think he was the crazy stoner.

[484] And just after hanging out with him that first night, oh, fuck, yeah, immediately.

[485] He's like every five minutes, hey, let's go back to your hotel room and smoke someone in another joint.

[486] Yeah, those guys like to go deep, man. There's some dudes who go real deep.

[487] Those guys involved in the medical marijuana, like those like normal and those guys go so deep.

[488] We were not normal, but the cannabis cup.

[489] That was the deepest that I've ever been.

[490] There was in Melrose in Hollywood.

[491] I was one of the judges and it was at a head shop and they closed the head shop down.

[492] They papered up the window so no one could see inside.

[493] They put a dormant in the back, locked the front, and then they turned the whole thing into this cannabis cup party.

[494] Really fucking bold move, man, because they did this shit in the middle of Hollywood.

[495] would.

[496] And the place was just filled with weed.

[497] I mean, it was unbelievable.

[498] And no one stopped.

[499] They just kept going deeper and deeper and deeper.

[500] I left there.

[501] I went to get something to eat.

[502] I was like, I just no way I can drive home right now.

[503] I just got to hang out for a few hours.

[504] I had to hang out.

[505] I mean, most of the time when you're high, driving is not an issue because driving is not any more complicated than walking.

[506] You know, I mean, as long as you're not smoking indica, as long as you're not smoking some dopey weed, you know, if you're driving and you're high, you know, just be extra careful.

[507] Watch what you're doing.

[508] It doesn't affect your hand -eye coordination.

[509] I mean, I do jiu -jitsu on weed.

[510] I kickbox on weed.

[511] It's not a problem, but I was so high then.

[512] I was like, no fucking way, man. There's no way I'm going to drive this thing and risk not being in control of my senses.

[513] I'm going to have a cup of coffee and have some food and just fucking sit back and read my cell phone for a little bit.

[514] Go over my notes.

[515] You know, sit down for a bit before I drive home.

[516] It was too stupid.

[517] because like you get to a certain point when when people are like everybody's handing you cookies here's a vaporizer bag hit this this is a new blunt paper that I developed hit that and everyone's passing joints left to right it's like a never ending like a cyclone of joints getting passed around it's it was fucking ridiculous but you get to this point where you're not even high anymore it's not like you're high anymore it's like you're you're in a room and you know the the room has one window and it's a circular window and the room is like four by four wide you can't even move it's not even toilet in it it's just you you in that room and that circular window and that circular window is now how you view the rest of the world you're looking out that window going what the fuck is going on out there because this is crazy I don't even know what's happening out there that's what it's like it's like you're detached from the world you're so high you're detached you know but those things if anybody ever wanted like some sort of argument against the cause go to one of those cannabis cups, man. The good thing is, man, everybody is friendly as fuck.

[518] I've been to, shit, 100 medical marijuana shows or, you know, parties or parties at the Playboy Mansion.

[519] I've never seen so much as an argument.

[520] Never seen a raised voice.

[521] Never seen a push.

[522] Never seen anybody get crazy.

[523] Not even girls, you know?

[524] I mean, every time you go out, some girl would be talking shit to some other girl, everywhere, in Vegas, in L .A., anywhere.

[525] So if you stay around the night long, enough and pay attention you're going to hear some girl yell at some girl right yeah totally but but not in in when in those weed shows those weed shows everybody's is so nice yeah it's just people if people really realize what it could do for you you know so many people like i have a friend who's like super organized and like he's like really ambitious and he's he produces television shows it's like a real go -getter very nice guy and but he's so anal and it just fucking wound up about shit.

[526] He only wears black.

[527] He won't wear anything other than black.

[528] Oh, really?

[529] His whole out, like you open up his wardrobe.

[530] It's black shirts and black.

[531] It's weird when somebody does that.

[532] Or they only wear the white t -shirt, like John Caparillo.

[533] Does that he do that?

[534] He only wears a white t -shirt.

[535] He only wears a white t -shirt.

[536] That's like his outfit.

[537] Yeah.

[538] That's like his outfit.

[539] Yeah.

[540] Does he wear it like when he goes out on dates?

[541] Only that white t -shirt?

[542] That I don't know.

[543] But there's definitely people.

[544] Ask him out of dates.

[545] Who's up?

[546] That's vagina for me. Yeah.

[547] But like, like, like, there is people like that that, like, only wear certain things like well this dude isn't just in badly in need of a joint i i keep telling him i go dude just trust me man just trust me just try a little weed it'll help you relax like you're a good guy got a lot of good things going on you just need a little fresh perspective man and it's totally true look at you had a live proofing the other day on that that podcast 98 you man was like you just need smoke wheat immediately after smoking weed everything was great you know it was Podcasts 98, aka the disaster.

[548] The disaster.

[549] Brian Whitaker apparently is very upset with the depictions of him from that podcast.

[550] He's been tweeting mean things to you.

[551] Yeah, he started attacking me on Twitter just like today.

[552] It's like, dude, all right.

[553] The thing I'm saying is I'm trying to make sure that people that are at home can listen to this podcast and understand what's going on instead of having a million people talking at once.

[554] There was no attack on you.

[555] I understand what you're saying.

[556] So for the people that don't know about that podcast, and it's not worth listening.

[557] It wasn't a good one.

[558] But there was just, he just had an issue where he didn't know how to be on a podcast.

[559] He didn't know that you can't talk while other people were talking.

[560] And it wasn't, you know, he didn't have a chance to prepare.

[561] He just got thrown into it.

[562] He didn't even know he was going to be doing it.

[563] We've talked about him too much.

[564] Yeah, we have talked about it.

[565] He's a good dude.

[566] He's just out there doing his thing and it's hard out there for a pimp.

[567] Yeah.

[568] But at least it's easier when you work at the improv.

[569] You know, you get stage time.

[570] Is that your dig?

[571] Is that your last dig at him?

[572] Because he had a dig at you.

[573] You get a lot of people that hate on you, man. Of course.

[574] I've always had that.

[575] Ever since I started talking to you, I've been getting haters.

[576] You started talking to me. Yeah.

[577] Well, man, people don't want to respect the red band.

[578] Yeah.

[579] Because people, well, whenever you do something, I mean, even you do comedy, people look at it and God, it looks so easy.

[580] I could do that, too.

[581] You ain't even funny.

[582] I could fucking do that.

[583] But then, you know, they look at you and, like, oh, does you know how to make, edit some videos or something?

[584] Fucking, I can do that, too.

[585] Right.

[586] You know, they just, they look at someone who's in a nice spot and they think, what the fuck?

[587] Why isn't that me?

[588] You know?

[589] It's hard to not be jealous, man. There's some ingrained shit.

[590] I see it with my kids, it's really interesting.

[591] The three -year -old and the one -year -old, sometimes a three -year -old would get upset at the one -year -old.

[592] If the one -year -old is getting too much attention, she'll take things from her and stuff.

[593] And it's like, it's just nature.

[594] Nature wants you, you want to collect all that love.

[595] You know, that's why people develop great personalities.

[596] They develop great personalities because they realize somewhere along the line, you know, with rewards is that, you know, when you have a great personality, the reward is people are always nice to you.

[597] You get all this nice energy.

[598] People want to be around you.

[599] That's a reason why great personality is getting invented.

[600] Because people become horrors for other people's love.

[601] I mean, that's really what it is.

[602] I mean, it's a beautiful thing in both ways, but really the root of it all is that people really want positive attention.

[603] So when you see jealousy in, like, little kids, and then you see jealousy in, like, grown adults, you know, you see, like, really petty shit and haters.

[604] And I love to go on, like, those gossip blogs, you know, and just to read, I don't even know who these people are.

[605] You know, but someone will, you know, to be someone from The Bachelor or someone from something.

[606] I'd just like to read the comments.

[607] Just, I don't even know what the fuck the story's about.

[608] I have the time I can't pay his baby and you have mom and they're in court, whatever, whatever.

[609] What's going on in the comments?

[610] And I'd go down the comments and it's just hate.

[611] Yeah, it is hate.

[612] Evilness.

[613] And it's ridiculous because when people, the biggest thing is like, if it wasn't for Rogan, this, that, this and that.

[614] I'm like, yeah, if it wasn't for Rogan, he saw my work.

[615] He liked what I did.

[616] He hired me. You're talking about me like I'm not even here.

[617] I know.

[618] I know.

[619] No, but what is like a company, like NBC, like Jay Leno should, you know, people are mad at Jay like, if it wasn't for NBC, you would be nobody.

[620] You know, it's, it's me getting Joe seeing my work and then hiring me. I got a job.

[621] It's, it's really simple.

[622] He's an artist.

[623] Hello.

[624] He's an artist and he was creating things that I thought were very worthwhile.

[625] And so I hired them.

[626] It's really simple.

[627] It's pretty easy.

[628] And, you know, and people that, you know, there's a weird dynamic.

[629] And people like, you know, how are you guys friends?

[630] You guys are so different.

[631] Like, you don't have to be the same.

[632] as your fucking friends man that's that's silly right you know if everyone was the same then you know all be running around saying the same shit and cock -blocking each other listen to paula opposites a track is that what you said i think opposites a track i heard forever you girl the other day forever you i miss the music on the podcast joe yeah i do too man we can't do that shit anymore the serious serious deal is signed ladies a sign yeah it's all done i mean i haven't written my name on it but they did just tell you but i'm gonna so we're gonna have it on serious.

[633] It'll be 12 episodes.

[634] We have to get ready.

[635] We have to pull music if we have music on them.

[636] We have to check them.

[637] Oh, really?

[638] We're doing like back episodes.

[639] Yeah, we're going to send them 12 and then we're going to go live.

[640] What's your 12 favorite episodes that we've ever done?

[641] Not 12.

[642] What's your five, top five that you've ever done?

[643] Top five.

[644] Well, my number one favorite, just for sheer far out factor is always Duncan.

[645] Duncan's my favorite because Duncan's just so fucking weird.

[646] And like when he starts chanting Buddhist mantras and talking to you about the Bhagavad Gita and you know and he just he just gets me going man Duncan and I and he doesn't have these conversations he says with anybody else either he's like he and I we have just this weird chemistry when we get together it's all crazy talking the other day I called him up called him up yesterday because I said hey we're doing the 100th podcast today you know maybe you want to like walk in like halfway in and sit down with us I was thinking like maybe that would be cool to have like guests come over while we're doing it right and he goes I would love to because he's in middle of this show that he's putting together yeah and he goes I did mushrooms last night man i was surrounded by elves i have so much to talk to you about yeah i was scared to fucking eat my friends surrounded he said i was surrounded by elves he said i did more mushrooms that i've ever done i was surrounded by elves so duncan's going to be in the podcast next week and he's going to tell us this whole um this whole thing and you you recently went shroom and up in um southern northern california solvane it's like uh north of santa barb wouldn't the world be a better place if people just did that if they had retreats you know Instead of going, I mean, even have these wine tasting retreats.

[647] How about right next to the wine tasting retreat?

[648] It's a mushroom retreat.

[649] Yeah.

[650] They go there.

[651] Everybody's going to be nice to you.

[652] It's all soothing sounds.

[653] And, you know, you're in a comfortable room.

[654] And there's, the shaman are all experienced.

[655] Everybody who works there is professional.

[656] You know, you pay a couple hundred bucks a day or whatever the hell you do.

[657] And you just blast off.

[658] It's pretty amazing how much better wine taste when it's at the vineyard.

[659] I don't know why.

[660] Because it's all the same.

[661] It's bottled.

[662] Is it, well, the ones who, offer the tours are they like really known labels yeah oh yeah these are like the big dogs like you remember the names i don't remember the names i don't buy i usually buy by wine by the the bottle like like if it's got a cool bottle i'll buy it really yeah like there's kinds of wines i like i like merloughs i like you know shit like that but i just usually go by the bottle like oh that's a crazy cat on that you know yeah i never used to go if i was uh on a date perhaps back in the day i would uh order a glass of wine or a bottle of wine but i would I would never, like, order a glass of wine while I was eating dinner.

[663] But now I do all the time.

[664] Yeah.

[665] I do all the time.

[666] Like, I like, like, a nice, strong red wine with, like, a steak.

[667] Like, it just tastes better.

[668] It's like this little, you know, this is this thing.

[669] The flavor is all combining.

[670] And as I've gotten, like, Matt Lichtenberg, my buddy, is a huge wine fanatic.

[671] He's, like, he's a, he's a wine geek.

[672] I mean, he has this crazy wine cellar in his home with some insane amount of money worth a wine in it and he's one of those guys that can tell you why a wine is good and what year it's good and you know what part of the country it comes from and all that kind of shit and when when you're around a guy like that and they know so much about wine then you start to sort of appreciate it like oh okay this is some weird tasting art form it's like they're trying to create this ultimate taste and it's a very specific taste and if you're not it's a weird thing like the whole idea of acquired taste i used to think that was so stupid like why would you require a taste for something like caviar the fucking stuff you know it's super expensive and it really kind of tastes like shit when you first take it why wouldn't you just okay it's it tastes like shit forever and this is it is what it is i'm not have to worry about it anymore but no people get into it and then they start getting more and more expensive taste then you're getting stuff that's thousands and thousands of dollars chase salty fucking stupid fish eggs well wine is kind of like that too and like the first time you try wine like when you're like a little kid or something I'm like, who the fuck would get into that?

[673] But when you really, like, get a nice Pinot Noir and a delicious steak, and you're cut into that steak, and then you have a sip of the wine, like, all the flavors together, it takes a while to appreciate it.

[674] But knowing someone who knows as much about wine as I do, I mean, he tells me so much about, you know, like, you know, it's all about, like, how they put it in what kind of barrels they use, store it, and how they store it, and how long they store it, and how long has it been bottled full?

[675] Lauren.

[676] It's pretty amazing.

[677] One of the wineries I went to, they did cheese pairings, which is cool because you never, you think, okay, they're going to mix this cheese with this wine.

[678] Yeah, it's going to just taste like cheese and wine.

[679] Now, if I still use the word faggot, which I don't.

[680] I might throw it out you right there.

[681] I'm going to be honest with you.

[682] Yeah, I like cheese.

[683] You like cheese?

[684] I do, too.

[685] You like wine.

[686] I do.

[687] It just sounds fruity -to -ty.

[688] Yeah, it does.

[689] You say, I went to a cheese pairing and a wine tasting.

[690] Dude, you know how wet that pussy gets when you're going to a wine and cheese tasting?

[691] That's the most ridiculous wet pussy Because they feel normal For the first time in their life Like I'm normal Brian's a good guy He's not taking me to see poison in concert That's right He's taking me to a motel 6 It's a wine tasting In the middle of northern California He's an amazing guy That's cool You know what But you went for the fun of it You didn't went It was more like hey Want to get away No internet no work What's it like up there?

[692] It's beautiful day It's crazy mountains There's a huge lake at one point.

[693] I forget the name of it.

[694] North of Santa Barbara, it's this humongous lake where it's just best fishing.

[695] Now, are there families up there?

[696] Is it just couples mostly?

[697] I saw families.

[698] I saw families.

[699] But it's a lot of bed and breakfasts, a lot of nice historic old hotels, you know, that you go in.

[700] And there's just like every room's unique.

[701] That's what we stayed at.

[702] Like this place called Peterson at the end or the inn at Peterson.

[703] Is this near San Antonio?

[704] Yes.

[705] Right next.

[706] Tom Likis used to always rant and rave about that.

[707] It's amazing.

[708] there was ostrich farms where it was just huge fields of ostriches running around you can go there and get like ostrich eggs and like hang out with ostriches but they're running around they look like dinosaurs they look like it's it's amazing man I highly recommend if you just want to weekend out out of LA take the kids go go to some farms it's it's pretty relaxing yeah ostriches are creepy as fuck man yeah all birds are creepy as fuck yeah you know I've been joking around about it about you know in my act a little bit about the mass bird deaths that happened but about how birds are really dinosaurs that survived, but they really are.

[709] I mean, that's, that's the, the closest relative to the dinosaur is the bird.

[710] And an ostrich is a fucking dinosaur.

[711] It's a big -ass, weird -looking dinosaur.

[712] Yeah.

[713] With, the taste delicious.

[714] You ever get the Austin burger?

[715] Fuddruckers.

[716] Yes.

[717] Wow.

[718] Strong, right?

[719] Find me a Coke.

[720] Yeah, I'll buy you coke.

[721] You got to have it rare, though.

[722] Don't be a pussy.

[723] You don't have to worry about mad cow with those bitches.

[724] Just get that shit rare.

[725] Fire that fucker up.

[726] Or, you feel that that raw, rare ostrich meat, so delicious, man. Yeah.

[727] It's good stuff.

[728] Would you go camping here in L .A.?

[729] Tent camping?

[730] Shit.

[731] No. I want to go camping where I can drive home.

[732] The only time I go camping is on too far away to drive home.

[733] And if I have guns on me. Yeah.

[734] I'm going hunting with Ricky Schroeder.

[735] Are you really?

[736] Yeah, we're going.

[737] We're going to this ranch where you could shoot boar and they even have bison at this ranch.

[738] And it's like you pay them for whatever you shoot.

[739] And then you go out onto there.

[740] They have this giant hunk of property out near.

[741] Riverside, out near San Diego, that way.

[742] And so I'm going.

[743] Oh, that's cool, man. Yeah.

[744] I've been wanting to go for a while.

[745] I'm supposed to go hunting in October with Randy Couture.

[746] With the natural, Randy Couture.

[747] We're going for a TV show.

[748] So before that, I'm going to get some in with Ricky.

[749] That guy loves hunting, man. When I talked to him about, his eyes lit up and everything.

[750] He wants to come back on the podcast.

[751] I was going to say, Ricky, to me, was one of my favorites.

[752] My favorites were always the out -of -nowhere people, like the Ricky Schroeder.

[753] or even Kevin Pereira, I think, was one of my favorite ones of all time.

[754] Kevin was awesome.

[755] Rick has got some interesting stuff going on right now, too, man. He just got some serious skin cancer removed from his face.

[756] He's serious?

[757] Yeah.

[758] You've got to be people walking around outside without sunscreen, man. Be fucking careful.

[759] If you see some little mark on you, man, people die from weird skin little things when you're out there getting burnt.

[760] You don't think it's a big deal.

[761] And then you get melanoma.

[762] He had a big chunk of his face removed, man. He's got a big scar right on his temple.

[763] Do you get checked a lot?

[764] Yeah.

[765] Well, I'm not at risk because I'm not.

[766] I'm fairly dark -skinned.

[767] I get tan pretty easily, but I don't fuck around the sun, man. But he's, Rick is, he's pale.

[768] You know, he's like white, like paper.

[769] You know, you got to be careful as fuck.

[770] And he's always out in the sun.

[771] He's like Mr. Outdoorsy, you know, he's got this giant piece of property and he's got property in Colorado.

[772] Rick, Ricky Schroeder's an interesting guy, man. He's a super outdoorsman character.

[773] He's always out there like chopping wood and shit and getting things done.

[774] You know, he's like, he like wishes he lives on a farm or something like that.

[775] I think growing up poor, or rather growing up super rich.

[776] I mean, growing up rich and famous.

[777] From the time, as early as he can remember, he was a celebrity and he was rich.

[778] So he's always had so much fucking money that I think he likes driving around pickup trucks.

[779] He likes doing like manual labor and shit like that.

[780] But when you do that, you got to put your sunscreen on homing.

[781] Yeah.

[782] Especially California out here, this fucking heat and the sun constantly beating down on you.

[783] People get cancer.

[784] You got to be careful.

[785] I have a bunch of moles.

[786] I'm a very moldy motherfucker.

[787] But my mom's had a few cut out.

[788] And so, yeah.

[789] So I recently went, because there's this one that I have on my back that always is like crunchy.

[790] You know, it's like, you know, it's kind of, it's like, that's not good.

[791] Yeah, it's not good.

[792] It's not crunchy.

[793] It just feels like different than all the other ones, you know.

[794] And sometimes, you know, imagine if that was your problem.

[795] They pulled that out and all of a sudden, boy, you get think clear and fucking start going to the gym.

[796] Just that mold was like a little vampire.

[797] Yeah.

[798] Just sucking the life out of you.

[799] So I went there and she's like, no, that's fine.

[800] It's normal.

[801] And I'm like, really?

[802] That's, why is it?

[803] No, that's just the kind it is or whatever.

[804] And then she showed me pictures like, If it ever looks like this, come back.

[805] You got to look at ani -oakly style, look at your back.

[806] Yeah, exactly.

[807] What the fuck's that?

[808] What is it supposed to look like when it's bad?

[809] It's like red around it.

[810] It looks kind of like it.

[811] When she showed me, I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, that looks bad.

[812] You know, not this little mole that's a little flaky or whatever.

[813] Yeah, when are they going to fix that?

[814] Moles can kill you.

[815] Yeah.

[816] Keep a good eye on your mole because it might be a bomb.

[817] How are you supposed to see that?

[818] Yeah, especially if you got it in a weird place.

[819] What have you died of a mole that was like right near your asshole?

[820] Right.

[821] Who looks at their asshole?

[822] Yeah.

[823] I only look at assholes in hotel rooms.

[824] That's like a girl's asshole.

[825] You look at a girl's asshole if you're banging it from behind, but do you look at your own in a hotel room?

[826] Yeah, because that's the only time where there's good lighting and good mirrors.

[827] I'll sit on like the counter and just like fucking spread open and go, oh, look at my butthole.

[828] Really?

[829] Once in a while you should check it out just to look at it.

[830] Hmm.

[831] I mean, what was the last time you looked at your butthole?

[832] It's been a long time.

[833] Exactly.

[834] What if you opened it up and there was this big purple thing in it?

[835] I wait for signals from it.

[836] If it's sending me signals saying there's something wrong, constant itching, weird noises, then I'll go check it out.

[837] Fucking itchy asshole.

[838] Have you ever had an itchy asshole?

[839] Like, for like a couple days, it was just non -stopicke.

[840] It's also a Dane Cook bit.

[841] That's weird.

[842] How Dane Cook is Louie K?

[843] It's a very common joke.

[844] That does happen.

[845] I actually, we've all had itchy assholes.

[846] I was thinking about itchy assholes and I was like, oh yeah, that's right.

[847] There's like 3 ,000 jokes about itchy assholes.

[848] Yeah, there's quite a few.

[849] I mean, the issue with Dane and Louis, obviously, was it.

[850] Louis had done it first.

[851] but yeah butthole jokes are quite common if you if you think about a subject and it's an obvious subject for a joke chances are someone's already done a hundred jokes on it you know you know when I looked up the other day you know I was right in this chapter in my book and it has to do with porn and so I was talking about the moment that I realized that the internet was taking porn to a whole new level was the moment I forget who it was It might have been Duncan, sent me an email, and the email heading said, Home Run, and then I opened up the email, and it just said, I love people in all capital letters, and a link.

[852] So I clicked the link, and it opens up, it's Bella Donna on all fours with a baseball bat stuffed in her asshole.

[853] I mean, it's stuffed in there, fat end first, which I didn't even think was possible.

[854] And I remember double face -palming like the Home Alone kid and going, this bitch is just taking shit to another level.

[855] She stuffed the baseball, and then I thought about it.

[856] Or is she taking it to another level?

[857] And I went and did a Google search.

[858] And there's 2 ,800 ,000 hits for baseball bat in the ass.

[859] Yeah.

[860] It's normal.

[861] And you know, when she, it's normal shit.

[862] No, you know, when she did that, she used to tweet about that where she was stretching it out for like a whole week.

[863] Like, I got a big anal scene.

[864] You know, so she had like all these butt plugs.

[865] And she just spent the week getting ready for doing shit like that.

[866] You know, she doesn't do porn anymore.

[867] I heard.

[868] I heard she retired.

[869] Well, she had that really sad interview.

[870] I don't remember what it was for, whether it was Nightline or one of those shows, but, you know, where they, you know, they made her feel bad about it.

[871] And, you know, and they asked her, you know, what happened to you?

[872] How did you become this porn star?

[873] And they kind of, like, go over her past and shit like that.

[874] And then at the end, she was like, you know, I'm done.

[875] I'm not doing this anymore.

[876] And then they found out afterwards that she had done some more movies after they, you know, after she said that.

[877] All right.

[878] It was weird.

[879] It was like, you know, you kind of wanted to root for her to get out of it.

[880] of it and then she's still in it and it's like you know fucking not everybody can be a ballet instructor okay some some people are going to be porn stars and by the time they're that age where they're going to be porn stars man the least of their problems is fucking on film that's the least of their problems is that baseball bat in their ass that's the least their problems the big problem is what what have you become that you're letting someone put a baseball bat in your ass what has happened to you to get you to this point it's not the bat itself that's not the real issue.

[881] It's who, who are you?

[882] Like, what kind of a strange person are you that you, you know, you've got your asshole up in the air.

[883] And there's a giant log in it, a big fucking bat.

[884] And then there's two million eight hundred thousand hits of that.

[885] Yeah, but then you also think about it if that only is bad if you look, if you think it is bad.

[886] You know, like if I don't think that's good for anybody's asshole.

[887] If it's like, hey, I could put, yeah, I know.

[888] But it's like, hey, I could put a baseball in my ass that equals $20 ,000.

[889] Okay.

[890] Do you think they get paid that much?

[891] Because I don't think they do.

[892] No, I don't think they do either.

[893] I think it's a couple grand if they're lucky.

[894] And I think that might have been during the heyday.

[895] You know, I think nowadays, I don't, you know, those girls were getting like half million dollar vivid deals.

[896] You remember?

[897] I remember hanging out with Jenna Jamison's husband and he was a producer and he was giving me the whole skinny on how much money there is in the porn industry.

[898] And this dude, you know, he had all the numbers.

[899] And I was like, that is incredible.

[900] Like, there was so much money.

[901] And then the internet came along.

[902] The internet just robbed them all.

[903] Yeah.

[904] Sucked it all.

[905] away and now I mean how the fuck do you make money now doing porn I think I think there's definitely still money there it's more of you just have to do more like I know a lot of these girls they'll do like you know like a spanking video and make 500 then they'll you know do another video later that day where it's just them masturbating and they get a thousand you know so it's like then you think of it that way it's like all right you just made two thousand dollars today and is it for a website is that what it's most of these are websites you know fetters websites or you know exchanging content I think that the the weirdest thing about knowing all these porn stars, I think the saddest thing is not even what, how they got into it or that they do it, because I don't have a problem with it.

[906] Is that their future?

[907] Because a lot of them don't have an idea.

[908] Yeah.

[909] They're like athletes.

[910] Yeah.

[911] They're like fighters.

[912] I mean, is that where you go to, you know, like a truck stop and is that really older woman?

[913] Then you're just like, wow, she used to be a, you know, playboy bunny.

[914] Well, you know, look, this, this avenue, this internet avenue has opened up the door to the point where there's way, way, way more porn stars than they're everywhere back in the day.

[915] You know, and porn is so much more available.

[916] When I was a kid, the way you got porn was magazines.

[917] When I was a kid, VHSs came out while I was in high school.

[918] I remember we got one.

[919] It was like a big deal at her house.

[920] You know, and my dad had a couple of my stepfather had a couple porns laying around the house too, and I got to watch those too, and I was like, what the hell is this?

[921] You know, to go from like it never existed or every now and then you saw a magazine.

[922] And the weird thing about those magazines were, they had rules.

[923] So you'd buy a Horn magazine, but there was rules.

[924] And one of the rules was the man couldn't have a hard -on.

[925] Yeah.

[926] They still have those rules.

[927] Really?

[928] Yeah, like where they can't show insertion and, you know, in certain magazines.

[929] But some magazines they can.

[930] Yeah.

[931] But back then it was all magazines.

[932] Back then there was no magazines that showed hard -ons.

[933] Right.

[934] And I think, I mean, none that you could find.

[935] And it was like, you know, you'd ask the guy at the counter if you were bold, you know, at the bookstore, but you didn't really want to ask them.

[936] Like, hey, how come nobody's dicks hard?

[937] It's going on here.

[938] You know, you don't really bring it up to him.

[939] But there was always like these.

[940] weird poses where they were being like not just one but like 20 different poses and in each one of them the girl's like moaning like she's an exe and the dude doesn't have a heart on right like in every one of them it's like what is the message that they're trying to send you you know what is the message that they're trying to send you is it that this is just how the universe works and that women that are way hotter than you could ever possibly imagine will always wind up with gay guys and you're going to be alone by yourself jerking off on the pictures of them Is that what it is?

[941] What is the message?

[942] Why can't they have hard -ons?

[943] They're naked and they're there.

[944] And then the seriality of it all comes into play because you see all these 20 different scenes.

[945] You're like, this bitch is not giving up.

[946] In every scene, she's super enthusiastic.

[947] She seems non -judgmental.

[948] This guy can't get it up.

[949] And she's doing everything for him.

[950] She's posing.

[951] She's got her ass up in the air.

[952] She's lying in her back with her leg spread, sucking on her fingers.

[953] She's letting him pick her up.

[954] And he's holding her by the ass.

[955] And his dick still limp.

[956] It's still limp.

[957] And this bitch is just there for him the whole way.

[958] She's like, some way, eventually he's going to get a heart on.

[959] I know it.

[960] I just keep posing for him.

[961] And so she's in all these weird poses and never loses interest.

[962] Never has the, you know, it should be like at least the 18th or 19 pose.

[963] She should be like, what the fuck?

[964] Like, what's going on?

[965] Like, why do you have my leg spread and, you know, you're laying your limp dick on my pelvis?

[966] Right.

[967] You know, like a drowning victim just pulled ashore.

[968] You know, it's like slop.

[969] I mean, that's what it's like.

[970] He's got his limp dick, and he's laying it on her pelvis.

[971] Like, who is that for?

[972] Like, who doesn't want hard dicks?

[973] Like, who is there?

[974] This is where we draw the line.

[975] You want to get all naked and crazy and pretend you're fucking.

[976] So if you had to look at a dick, it was either hard or limp.

[977] You would pick hard all the time.

[978] If I had to look at a dick, it depends if I'm beating off.

[979] The last thing you want to do is be beating off to a dude with a limp dick.

[980] So you would rather have hard dicks?

[981] Yeah, because you can't even imagine that that would feel good.

[982] You'd feel like that the guy would be embarrassed and that it feels pointless and she doesn't feel good because he's not even excited.

[983] And so there's a lot of like weird shit going on there.

[984] At least if the guy has an erection while he's feeling good, it feels good.

[985] And at least she's happy that she can give him an erection.

[986] It's a much more positive experience.

[987] Is it hotter for you if the dick is black or white?

[988] I can't really relate to black dicks.

[989] See, I always like black dick.

[990] But I can relate to a black dick if it's big, but then a little tiny micro white dick.

[991] Yeah, I'd rather have hard black dick fucking a girl because for some reason to me That's more naughtier or something like that Yeah, you take that big black dick You know?

[992] Really?

[993] Yeah.

[994] Really?

[995] So you find yourself saying that as you're doing the stroking motion?

[996] I whisper it.

[997] You whisper it.

[998] Take it.

[999] Take it.

[1000] Take it.

[1001] For real?

[1002] That makes it more naughty to you?

[1003] Yeah, it just seems like you're, oh, you're getting fucked for realzies.

[1004] I remember some girl, for realsies.

[1005] Some girl came to the comedy store one night and she gave us the rules of being a porn star.

[1006] She was with, I think she was with Ron Jeremy.

[1007] And she was like, you know, rule number one is don't fuck black guys until they pay you.

[1008] You have to, you can't do it right away.

[1009] Don't fuck them until they pay you.

[1010] Rule number two is no anal for a long time.

[1011] You've got to keep it to yourself.

[1012] I'm like, you have strategies on what you hold back when you do porn.

[1013] Oh, yeah, honey.

[1014] It's a business.

[1015] Oh, yeah, honey.

[1016] It's a business.

[1017] Wow.

[1018] Yeah.

[1019] They strategize when to give up for the black dick.

[1020] You can't just right away start fucking black guys.

[1021] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, settle into that a little.

[1022] Like some girls, like Jenna Jameson, never fucked a black guy.

[1023] Well, that's a big thing in porn.

[1024] Once you go black, you're actually considered different than if you did.

[1025] It's like a weird pornist.

[1026] So why do any girls do black guys just, I mean, for their career?

[1027] Why do they do that?

[1028] Maybe, I don't know.

[1029] They're just easy.

[1030] Yeah.

[1031] They just want to fuck black guys, I guess.

[1032] Yeah, maybe.

[1033] Maybe they don't care.

[1034] Maybe they're there for equal rights.

[1035] I guess, but a lot of the porn buyers are.

[1036] southern and stuff like that and once you fuck a black guy well i don't want that stupid stupid slut please there's a disproportionate amount of all interracial porn sold in the deep south is that it yeah i used to do a whole joke about that that's right yeah it's true story it's a true statistic yeah a disproportionate amount is sold and it's not black guys buying that stuff it's it's it's scared white guys gonna look at that nigger fucking that white woman oh man i can't believe what he's doing right there oh yeah stop looking me in the eyes stop bitch Yeah, I think that That whole black -white thing Eventually is going to go away I think we're all going to be like one strange shade of gray You know, one mocha, one something Mexican, we're all going to be Mexican We're all going to be Mexican Yeah, yeah It's not, the black -white thing can't last It only lasted back when people couldn't move to other places When you were stuck in China And everybody else was in China Well, you fed off the same gene pool And you produce Chinese people You know, but once the Africans got to, you know, the northern Africa and Egypt, the things started getting weird, and they took over, you know, Cairo, and then they move into other places, and then the Moors, you know, hit Sicily, and then all these, you know, fucking the Spaniards come over on boats and fuck the American Indians, and then eventually, eventually, we're going to be a world culture.

[1037] I just don't see how you can keep people from interbreeding for the next millennia.

[1038] I just don't see it happen.

[1039] I think in the next thousand years, we're all going to be one shade, you know?

[1040] They think that's what happened when Neanderthals.

[1041] You know, Deandertals got a assimilated into the population.

[1042] They used to think they went extinct.

[1043] But now they think they sort of went extinct because women wouldn't fuck them.

[1044] But men would fuck the women.

[1045] Men, human men, would fuck Neanderthal women and make babies with them.

[1046] But Neanderthal men were like, what the fuck?

[1047] Nothing.

[1048] And they just got on the outs.

[1049] That would be weird.

[1050] What would that one final species look like?

[1051] Yeah.

[1052] Maybe that's the end of the world once you make Jesus.

[1053] Well, it's probably going to look like aliens.

[1054] Yeah.

[1055] You know, I mean, you look at the gray.

[1056] alien, the model alien, this big, big head and, you know, sexless body and, you know, and no muscle tone.

[1057] And that's probably the next stage.

[1058] I mean, if you look at monkeys and then you look at us and what is the difference?

[1059] Well, our heads aren't, the monkeys have smaller heads.

[1060] Our heads are bigger.

[1061] Our muscles aren't as big.

[1062] We're softer.

[1063] We're not, we last longer.

[1064] We have, you know, nutrition and information and all that stuff.

[1065] But physically, we're far weaker than the chimps you know and then well then they're going to be more weak than us with bigger heads their heads are going to be bigger they're going to be more uh more smooth and less muscular and sinewy because they're not going to need that they're never going to be in combat you're never going to be fighting for their life against other bodies and trying to take down animals to eat them they're moved way way way way past that shit that's i mean the the the human alien connection you know for a lot of people they believe that what their alien image represents whether it's real or imagined, what it represents is humans from the future, and that the eventual metamorphosis of the human animal, the morphing, the evolving, will ultimately lead to something like that.

[1066] We look at inherently all our issues.

[1067] Well, first of all, we have sexual issues.

[1068] We have emotional issues.

[1069] We have, you know, anger issues.

[1070] We have all these things.

[1071] Well, all the depictions of the aliens, they've gone completely past all that shit.

[1072] You eliminate all your sexual issues.

[1073] if you can reproduce, you know, outside of a male -female environment.

[1074] If you're able to reproduce completely in laboratories or in, you know, petri dishes or whatever the fuck they're doing.

[1075] You know, if you're, if we, if the human animal moves past reproduction in a natural way, I mean, that might be, what if they found out that babies were 100 % smarter and they lived twice as long and they were, you know, five times more resistant to diseases if you raise them in a test tube?

[1076] if everybody raised them outside of the womb and some new machine that someone created.

[1077] Well, every woman would want that.

[1078] Why would you want your kid to be stupid because you want to carry it around inside you?

[1079] You selfish cunt, put the baby in the machine.

[1080] Right.

[1081] You know, and so that's what they would do.

[1082] And that's inevitable.

[1083] They're going to eventually come up with something like that.

[1084] The human body can only do so much.

[1085] You know, the human body, they're already figuring out artificial parts.

[1086] They already devised artificial hearts.

[1087] They've come up with artificial leaves that make photosynthesis.

[1088] They're going to have artificial wounds.

[1089] Artificial electricity, you know, from those artificial trees.

[1090] So we're going to be able to make electricity.

[1091] Yeah, we're going to be able to make electricity.

[1092] The solar power, there's another thing that I got from Transcendant, man, the Ray Kurzweil documentary that I watched, fucking awesome shit, man. But he talks about the upcoming advances in solar power.

[1093] Solar power is going to be the shit, man. It's going to be driving cars, man. They're going to have solar powered cars in the next 20, 30 years.

[1094] It's all eventually is moving us towards the aliens, man. I mean, they really might be the ideas of, I don't believe.

[1095] I don't believe they exist or that they don't exist.

[1096] I don't believe that people are really seeing flying saucers.

[1097] And I don't believe that everything that people see is a government spacecraft.

[1098] It was very possible that could be something from another dimension or something from another world or something from some even hokey, ridiculous, cliche description from like a 1950 sci -fi movie.

[1099] I'm not discounting the possibility of that.

[1100] But I've looked at all these different people that all their stories and all their different.

[1101] It doesn't jive, man. It doesn't jive to me. I have a, an an awesome bullshit detector.

[1102] I'm currently reading this John Mack book.

[1103] John Mack was actually a professor at Harvard, who started doing post -life, past -life, hypnotic regression shit with people.

[1104] You know, hypnotic regression, not past life, but in their past, like, abduction stuff.

[1105] Because he was dealing with all these different people that had very, very similar experiences where they were abducted, you know, repeatedly over many times.

[1106] in their life.

[1107] But I'm looking at the work and I'm reading his stuff and I'm like, God, this is so embarrassing.

[1108] It's like squirrelly work.

[1109] It's like this guy has, he's gone, he's made a conclusion in his mind already.

[1110] And what he's doing in his work is not like, he's not exploring all the possibilities.

[1111] He's kind of like pushing towards this conclusion.

[1112] And the latest one that I'm reading is like, it's so sloppy because he's telling all these stories about all these people and all the, you know, their depictions of their experiences.

[1113] How about you tell me how crazy that person is on a one to ten?

[1114] Tell me, ask me, what do they think about astrology?

[1115] What do they think about tarot cards?

[1116] You know, what do they think about crystals or mind reading?

[1117] What do they think about the lock nest monster?

[1118] I want to know a lot of other shit about these people.

[1119] I don't want to know about what their experience was like, you know, first when I was eight, you know, I was alone in a cab, but I knew something was there with me. I saw the dark eyes in the corner of the room.

[1120] Really?

[1121] Were you on lithium?

[1122] Were you crazy?

[1123] Are you crazy at all?

[1124] Is anyone else in your family crazy?

[1125] Because there's a lot of crazy motherfuckers out there and they tell some crazy stories.

[1126] And all you need to know about this whole UFO abduction experience, the one most important point is that it all happens at night.

[1127] Well, when the fuck are you dreaming?

[1128] When the fuck do you have the most realistic, bizarre dreams?

[1129] The other night I had some crazy fucking dream.

[1130] I was on a dragon.

[1131] I was reading from these scrolls that the words would light up on fire as you read them so you could only read it once.

[1132] I mean, this is bizarre.

[1133] Yeah, it was a cool -ass dream.

[1134] But it was a fucking dream, all right?

[1135] It was really obvious to me when I woke up like, wow, what a crazy -ass dream.

[1136] Well, what is a dream is your mind reaches a certain state in REM sleep where rapid -eyed movement takes place and all sorts of crazy chemicals, psychedelic chemicals start being produced by your body.

[1137] And they all pass the blood -brain barrier and you have all these nutty fucking experiences.

[1138] Is it you and your cousin Mikey and you're on sleds and you're running from Godzilla?

[1139] What is that?

[1140] Is that real sleds?

[1141] Should we investigate whether there's sleds in space, whether Godzilla is real?

[1142] No. No, you should say, when did this happen?

[1143] Oh, I was sleeping.

[1144] Oh, you were dreaming, right?

[1145] Yeah, probably.

[1146] When were you abducted by aliens while I was in bed?

[1147] Do you think you were dreaming?

[1148] No, it was so real.

[1149] Oh, okay.

[1150] Let's write a book on how real it was.

[1151] And you got to say, no, it was so real.

[1152] a lot of them the interviews that they do with them are so telling they're really fascinating and not necessarily that the people are stupid and it's not even necessarily that they're lying because a lot of them I don't think are lying I think what a lot of them are is first of all people live some boring ass fucking shitty lives they're boring as fuck and if something happens and all of a sudden that something gives your life meaning like oh my God instead of it being some sleep paralysis thing where you're your brain has this endogenous dump of psychedelic chemicals that are natural in the brain anyway.

[1153] Instead of that being the case, like, no, no, no, I have been visited and I have information that I have to give to the people of the world.

[1154] Well, you know, if you have a natural psychedelic experience or if you have a real psychedelic experience where you take a drug and, you know, you're planning it out.

[1155] And either one is going to give you a very similar experience.

[1156] And that experience is what you're doing is totally wrong.

[1157] Everybody's fucked up.

[1158] You need to get your shit together.

[1159] How about an analysis of yourself, an analysis of life on the planet?

[1160] And let's look at this other than the way we're looking at it right now, because this obviously isn't working.

[1161] That's the theme to every mushroom trip, the theme to every acid trip, the theme to every time you eat a pot brownie.

[1162] You want to reconstruct the whole thing and put it back together again in a way that's rational and that makes sense.

[1163] And this experience these people are having when the aliens are telling them, well, we need to get your shit together.

[1164] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1165] You're high, dude.

[1166] You're high.

[1167] You're tripping.

[1168] You're seeing things in a closet.

[1169] It's that simple.

[1170] There's no evidence, man. There's no, all these people that are talking, oh, I've got a nick on my shin.

[1171] Look, this is where they pulled out the implant.

[1172] Get the fuck out of here, crazy.

[1173] You really think that aliens are going to leave like little scars on you and they're going to pull him.

[1174] You pinched yourself, you crazy fuck.

[1175] You pinched yourself and made your own scar, you know, you nutty bitch.

[1176] Not to mention that there's so much technology now that people probably do kind of like pranky shit.

[1177] You know, like I got these like helicopters that look like, you know, that, you know, like remote control helicopters and stuff like that.

[1178] Well, there's also government stuff.

[1179] stuff.

[1180] That guy in Philadelphia the other day.

[1181] Thank you, whoever you are.

[1182] Some guy came to the show and handed me, handed the manager, a book, and the book got to me. And it's all patents on aircrafts that the government has, like, U .S. patents for experimental aircrafts.

[1183] Oh, very cool.

[1184] It's fucking nuts, man. They're this crazy -looking, cling -on -looking ships and UFO -looking things.

[1185] What's the book called?

[1186] That sounds good.

[1187] It's not a book.

[1188] He put it together.

[1189] Yeah, he put it together except it was pretty dope.

[1190] That's pretty sweet.

[1191] Yeah.

[1192] And so, you know, I mean, you just look at the things that the government has and has admitted to designing and creating.

[1193] I mean, this is like a fucking giant amount of a man. When we were doing Fear Factor, we were out at Edwards Air Force Base, near Edwards Air Force Base.

[1194] I think it was Edwards.

[1195] It's out like near, we were in Palmdale, whatever the Air Force Base is out there.

[1196] It's a big one.

[1197] And I think it's Edwards.

[1198] And they were flying stealth bombers.

[1199] And dude, that is some crazy shit.

[1200] This was the beginning of the Iraq War.

[1201] It's like 2000.

[1202] And they fly those things overhead, dude.

[1203] You swear to God, you swear to God, you're in Star Wars, man. You swear to God, you're like, that is some shit from the Death Star.

[1204] When you watch that thing fly overhead, they don't make much noise, and they look like fucking alien spacecrafts.

[1205] It's dope.

[1206] Like, you look at them like, that is a fucking stealth bomber.

[1207] You can't see that thing with radar, man. That's something designed to sneak up on you and fuck you from the sky.

[1208] And you can't even see it coming.

[1209] And it's black like the sky.

[1210] So like you look up, you see just blackness, and it's black too.

[1211] You're fucked.

[1212] You're fucked.

[1213] Shit's badass.

[1214] You know, it's all designed for killing people.

[1215] Who do you want on the podcast in the future?

[1216] What is your dream people to get on?

[1217] I know, isn't Adam Krola coming?

[1218] Yeah, Adam's coming next week.

[1219] He's going to be here on the 26th.

[1220] Adam Kroa will be there.

[1221] So what is that?

[1222] Seven days from today?

[1223] Yeah.

[1224] Yeah, Adam's going to be on.

[1225] You know what, man, my dream has already been not just reached but surpassed.

[1226] When we first started doing this, when you and I first started doing this in episode one we were just fucking around man we're just sitting in front of the computer and we just thought it would be fun to have like some little kind of silly show that we would do for like people that were on the message board you know that's mostly what it was and people on Twitter you know but now it's become like a radio show now it's become this uh this way to tell people about shows that never had before you know it used to be you would go on a radio show and you know you would hope that some of the people listening were your fans or hope that you could say something funny enough to convince them, you know, on the radio.

[1227] It's in the morning.

[1228] You're fucking half awake.

[1229] It's random people listening.

[1230] It's random people listening.

[1231] And who knows if you're ever going to jive with the DJs?

[1232] Like, there's a radio station in Houston that apparently is still mad at me for being on their radio show back in, I guess it was like Fear Factor Days, like 2002 or 2003.

[1233] And they apparently still talk shit about me. About what?

[1234] They had me on.

[1235] And I remember they wanted me, and I was probably tired.

[1236] And if I came off rude, I didn't mean to.

[1237] But they wanted me to eat some stuff.

[1238] First of all, they wanted me to eat some big hamburger they had.

[1239] And I'm like, no, no, thank you.

[1240] Like, I kind of like, I watch when I eat.

[1241] And also in the morning, I have hypothyroidism.

[1242] So I take a thyroid medication.

[1243] And when I take it, I can't eat anything for like an hour.

[1244] And so I was on this radio show.

[1245] And they're trying to get me to eat this stupid thing that they made in an easy bake oven.

[1246] Oh, I was there.

[1247] I actually filmed that.

[1248] Did you?

[1249] Yeah, those people are mad at me. Are you still mad?

[1250] They still talk shit about me. Like, I'm the worst person they've ever had on their show.

[1251] And I didn't even know that, I didn't even know they had an issue until I left.

[1252] And apparently they were talking about me when I wasn't there.

[1253] When I was there, they were nice as pie to me. But then when I left, they started talking like, the guy was so rude.

[1254] They had a gag, and I wasn't into their gag, and I didn't go with it.

[1255] It was stupid shit.

[1256] It is stupid.

[1257] And you know what?

[1258] They're not comedians, man. And maybe they're not on my vibe, not on my frequency.

[1259] They're on their own frequency.

[1260] And they thought it'd be fun.

[1261] They thought it'd be cool if I played along.

[1262] But I didn't want to eat their thing, and they didn't adjust.

[1263] They didn't adjust.

[1264] So then I'm like, why the fuck am I doing this?

[1265] And then it's like, look, when you do radio stations, there's a lot of different kind of radio DJs.

[1266] Some of them are really cool and easy to do and easy to do their shows.

[1267] And other ones, they want more attention than you.

[1268] And they're a little squirrelly.

[1269] And they don't like the fact that you're on TV and they're on the radio.

[1270] And they get to be cunty.

[1271] You know, they get to be weird.

[1272] And they're looking for something to be wrong with you.

[1273] So if you're coming from some fucking television show and you won't eat their stupid easy bake oven thing, you become an asshole.

[1274] Instead of, if that was me and I had a guest on, like, come on, eat the easy bake oven.

[1275] And he won't do it.

[1276] Oh, I'd be like, what kind of an idiot am I?

[1277] Yeah.

[1278] I'm getting this guy to eat something.

[1279] This is all I've planned for this fucking thing.

[1280] I could be asking him a million interesting questions.

[1281] Like, we'd be talking about all kinds of crazy stuff.

[1282] But instead, I'm pissed that he won't eat my fucking tuna cassero out of a fucking easy -bake oven.

[1283] So these people apparently are still upset at me. Well, you used to have to deal with those kind of people in the past.

[1284] Now I don't have, that doesn't mean anything anymore.

[1285] Every show that I do now, I do nothing for, no press.

[1286] I mean, I did Preston and Steve.

[1287] I called up for Philly, but it was after the shows were already sold out.

[1288] But I did it because I liked them because they're cool guys.

[1289] But like, when we do these shows now, we have our own radio.

[1290] station we have our own our own ability to promote the shows and probably more listeners than ever than compared to that radio station it hates you yeah well that end it's all 100 % your fans those are I hate that word all 100 % people who appreciate your work right so they already are enjoying what you do they already enjoy your podcast they're already there for you they like you you know and so they want to come to the shows and as opposed to you know doing a radio show and trying to get people out there to listen and like you and that's why people like those people these means mediocre folks in Houston.

[1291] That's why they, you know, they have, like, this, that's why they have power.

[1292] Their only power was that they're the ones who get to talk on this radio show.

[1293] I mean, why they're not even, they have no talent.

[1294] There's nothing going on there.

[1295] They're just talking people.

[1296] They're just dumb -dums that are, and then they play music.

[1297] They sort of hijack your attention span for a few minutes, why you wait for the next cool song to start playing.

[1298] And they're just sitting there reading your Wikipedia page most of the times.

[1299] So, Joe Rogan, I heard that you, that wouldn't even be a problem for me. It's just, you know, I just, I don't know why they're still upset at me because apparently this is some recent interview.

[1300] I didn't even know about it.

[1301] I don't even know who they are.

[1302] I don't even know where it's station is.

[1303] I don't care.

[1304] It's there.

[1305] Look, if it's all these years and you're still upset that I wouldn't eat your thing, that's on you.

[1306] That's on you.

[1307] 100%.

[1308] I didn't do anything to you.

[1309] I didn't break your window.

[1310] I didn't light your bathroom on fire.

[1311] If I just didn't eat your thing, that's on you.

[1312] It's the whole world is filled with different kinds of people, man. And if you try to make everybody happy, you will fucking go crazy.

[1313] I know when I've been a douchebag in my past.

[1314] I know when I've done things where I could have made this go smoother.

[1315] I could have just, this isn't one of those things.

[1316] This is just stupidity.

[1317] And I didn't want to deal with stupidity.

[1318] You're going to Texas soon, aren't you?

[1319] Like August or something like that?

[1320] You're going to go back to...

[1321] Yeah, I'm going to Houston.

[1322] I think August.

[1323] August?

[1324] I can't wait.

[1325] That'll be fun.

[1326] Yeah.

[1327] I'm doing September again in Austin, too.

[1328] Oh, really?

[1329] Yeah.

[1330] That's always good time.

[1331] Yeah.

[1332] And plus now, it looks like I'm recording the special in June.

[1333] So if that happens, then I'll have to have all new shit by the time September rolls around.

[1334] So I got a lot of work to do.

[1335] Right.

[1336] That's exciting, man. I've been writing a lot lately, man, because I'm trying to finish this book.

[1337] I've been writing like crazy, man. Writing is so fucking satisfying.

[1338] It might be one of my favorite things to do.

[1339] I love the idea that you just sit in front of that computer and these ideas just start dancing in your head.

[1340] They start dancing.

[1341] You know, they start arranging themselves.

[1342] was on paper and then sometimes like when an idea will come out and then another idea will follow it and you'll like step back a step back and look and I'm like wow it's this crazy thing that just like happened through me you know this crazy idea that you know just happened through me and then it all like puts itself onto paper and then the next thing you know there's 100 pages next you know there's 200 pages it's like wow it's it's such a fascinating process man the creative process of actually sitting down and writing it's amazing man. I tried last night.

[1343] I was going to write just for a little, like an hour and then get in the tank.

[1344] But once, sometimes every now and then you tap into a vein and you got to stay there.

[1345] You can't go anywhere.

[1346] You know, and I just had one idea that I needed to write down before I went into the tank.

[1347] And as I was writing that idea down, something about writing, like say if you're thinking about a word, like if you're writing the word experience, it takes longer to write that word than it is to think of the concept of experience.

[1348] So it allows you to deeply consider everything that you're saying.

[1349] And then oftentimes, like when you're writing.

[1350] I can seem so much smarter writing than I ever could just talking.

[1351] You think?

[1352] Yeah.

[1353] Yeah.

[1354] I mean, you talk like, I mean, you talk very like smart.

[1355] Yeah, but I'm way, I do.

[1356] But I'm way smarter writing than I am talking.

[1357] It's, it's, it's, because you can consider everything much more.

[1358] You know, you get a chance to look at it.

[1359] You know, you, you really get to know someone, like, and that's another beautiful thing about this podcast.

[1360] You get to know someone when you're talking to them for a long time.

[1361] You get to know, like, how their brain works you know like you could write things out like that's what that always used to drive me crazy about presidential speeches and shit like that that they have people writing them for them that is so fucked up it's just time right because they have to give like a speech like every fucking day almost can't you just speak from the heart yeah but but there's probably things they have to just touch on they're probably not like writers like this is what you have to say it's more like taking your ideas and making in a speech form because i i mean they literally have to do like probably two or three speeches a day if you look at obama's really does he do two or three a day yeah they're always going to colleges or talking here with representatives you know they're always doing speeches if you look at his schedule like there's that one time where they followed him around for a week or i forget what program did it and it was just like his schedule was pretty much from when he wake up uh just going from one place to another giving a speech giving a speech giving a speech either way write your own speeches bitch i think he does actually and one of his uh most famous speeches is one that he wrote one of um the ones when he's was running for office.

[1362] He's, he's a smart guy, and he's a very good speechwriter, but the whole idea of having a speech written out for you by a bunch of other people is kind of offensive to me. It's like, what the fuck are you doing being the leader?

[1363] If you've got all these people telling you exactly what to say, and you're following all these charts and graphs, and this is what the people want, and so let's give them this, and this is sort of in the middle, and we'll lower their expectations with that, and then we'll hit them, we'll hit them with this to make them happy.

[1364] It's just, it's like so obvious that we're being played.

[1365] You know, that's what drives me nuts about speech writing, about the idea of it.

[1366] So it's just like, they're not even trying to pretend that they're not playing you.

[1367] They're not even try to pretend that this guy wrote this shit himself.

[1368] Yeah.

[1369] You know, he's just up there reading off a fucking teleprompter and you're just going, yay!

[1370] And nothing changes.

[1371] Yeah.

[1372] I could never do that.

[1373] I could never do speeches or anything like that.

[1374] You could.

[1375] If you wanted to give speeches on podcasting or speeches on something that you know a lot about.

[1376] Like if you want to give speeches on how to be a good video editor, you could do that.

[1377] You could easily do like a seminar on video.

[1378] editing you know if you ever wanted it like if people like were into your internet videos and you could come up with a bunch of bulletin points of things that you need to consider like hey brevity you know there's you want to make it under 10 minutes you want this you want that you know this is my best video and this is why and the good thing about this video is it starts off in one point and then it goes back in time then it brings you forward again you know and then you can you could you know you could easily do something like that anything that you're into man you could teach other people how to do it did you hear that flip video is no more what What?

[1379] Cisco bought Flip Video and they axed him.

[1380] They killed it.

[1381] Yeah, I always thought for some reason Flip Video was very successful when a big moneymaker.

[1382] It seems like everybody's got Flip videos.

[1383] I see a lot of them.

[1384] I know, Norton had it.

[1385] When Norton was at Austin, he taped all his sets with that shit.

[1386] Yeah, they killed it for some reason.

[1387] Is it, but is it so good?

[1388] Is it a big deal?

[1389] Well, I mean, it's just kind of weird that they did that, you know?

[1390] You would have never found out about that 20 years ago.

[1391] Yeah.

[1392] It just would have died.

[1393] Unless you were reading the technology page of the New York Times.

[1394] you know how the fuck would you have ever known you know now you get like an email alert from CNN to tell you that flip video has been eaten up by Cisco yeah you know yeah yeah you know you know who scott adams is the guy who created dilbert uh -huh he got busted going online defending himself under a fake name oh you serious yeah is that like the weakest shit ever how to get busted then i don't know he got busted and then he um he like wrote something about it admitting it and this is what he wrote according to wise and fair denizens of the internet is after he's been busted according to the wise and fair denizens of the internet this behavior is proof that I am a thin skin troll asshole dick fame whore egomaniac douche nozzle misogynist that list might sound bad to you but keep in mind that I was starting from a pretty low base so I think my reputation is trending up that's pretty funny wow yeah it's in the OC weekly if you guys want to read it it's kind of interesting because they're like wow so what he did was he logged online and he did under the name planned chaos and he pretended to be the only person in the world who doesn't hate him because I guess he's been getting in trouble lately I don't remember what it was I don't remember what exactly he said he said some things that people thought were questionable and so people were shitting all over him.

[1395] I met him.

[1396] He was on an episode of news radio.

[1397] Really?

[1398] Yeah.

[1399] That goes to show you how old Dilbert is.

[1400] Dilbert's been around forever, man. I never got into Dilbert, really?

[1401] It's terrible.

[1402] Those cartoons are like the lowest expectation ever for humor and for entertainment value.

[1403] Yeah.

[1404] It's amazing that they can make so much money.

[1405] Like I used to read Dunesbury and I remember Dunesbury is the smart one, man. It was really smart.

[1406] The only time, to me, it was even remotely interesting, was when they had Raoul, Raoul Duke.

[1407] It was the Hunter S. Thompson character who would come in with guns and start shooting shit up.

[1408] And, you know, it was like, Hunter S. Thompson's, they kind of like, he has his character, Raul Duke from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

[1409] You know, he like, the novel is sort of based on very loosely on him and his friend Oscar and the crazy shit they did when they were on drugs in Vegas.

[1410] Right.

[1411] And this guy from Dunesbury just sort of co -opted that character, sort of stole it, stole his intellectual property, and started using it as characters inside of his Dunesbury comic.

[1412] I thought that was kind of cool.

[1413] That was kind of funny that he did that.

[1414] It was kind of, those were fun.

[1415] But other than that, like most of it was like really, like nothing.

[1416] It's like the jokes were like, whew, like you ever read like Marmaduke or something like that?

[1417] Or Beetle Bailey.

[1418] How is that shit still even impossible?

[1419] Is Beatle Bailey still around?

[1420] Yeah, I think so.

[1421] I think so.

[1422] I don't know.

[1423] I don't, fuck.

[1424] Yeah, who would cry if the cartoon section...

[1425] I remember when I was a kid, though, I used to like the cartoon section.

[1426] I used to like Farside.

[1427] That was fucking brilliant shit.

[1428] And then they just kind of went away.

[1429] I was like Garfield guy growing up, obviously.

[1430] So Garfield and Farside were my two.

[1431] Calvin and Hobbs, pretty...

[1432] So you do like cartoons.

[1433] I do.

[1434] I mean, but then you get those ones like whatever that fucking Kathy or Ziggy.

[1435] Oh, God.

[1436] Oh, yeah.

[1437] There's some that don't make any sense, and you have to wonder how those people keep their jobs.

[1438] is it like some sort of a government job where you can't get fired yeah or that prince valiant or whatever that one that was like remember that one what was that one where it's like all medieval knights and shit yeah i always tried to get into that one but i could never fucking do it they're the worst man yeah they're the worst there's there is there anything worse than fucking stupid cartoons there's no there's no lower standard you know like have you ever like read a cartoon and laughed no like holy shit that's fine far side far side definitely Really?

[1439] Yeah.

[1440] At first sight, you never read any of the first?

[1441] I never got into it, man. It's, I think like stand -up comics, some cartoons are so bad, they, like, turn you off to other cartoons.

[1442] Wow.

[1443] Like, I've talked to people that have been to, like, shitty comedy shows, like, nah, I'm not really in a live comedy.

[1444] Right.

[1445] Like, whoa, you're not in a live comedy.

[1446] Okay, what are you talking about?

[1447] Have you ever gone to see Louis C .K.?

[1448] Okay, go see Louis C .K. and then tell me if you're in the live comedy.

[1449] Because you might not be into some douchebags at the chuckle hut, you know, that are telling nonsense.

[1450] jokes, but go to see Chris Rock, go to see, you know, Dave Chappelle, go to see a real comic.

[1451] You're going to love comedy, man. Don't get crazy.

[1452] You go see Joey Diaz.

[1453] And if you don't laugh, you don't have a fucking pulse.

[1454] There's something wrong with you.

[1455] You're not enjoying that?

[1456] Joey destroyed all weekend in Philadelphia.

[1457] He's so fun to have around, man. No one makes me laugh more than that guy.

[1458] He's so fucking fun to have around.

[1459] But as we were saying before, he gets wired.

[1460] He gets angry at you.

[1461] Yeah.

[1462] I'm just reading these facts.

[1463] that we're on dig .com today of facts about masturbation and that's going through that male kangaroos have been known to give themselves blow jobs and female porcupines have been witnessed using wooden sticks as dildos What?

[1464] Can you imagine watching an animal check off?

[1465] Did dinosaurs have dicks, right?

[1466] Right?

[1467] Yeah, I was super.

[1468] Can you imagine how big that dick is and then like if a dinosaur fucking cumbed?

[1469] Like how much cum that would be?

[1470] If a dinosaur cumbed, are you 12, bro?

[1471] No, I was just thinking that the other day was.

[1472] If a dinosaur cumbed.

[1473] If a dinosaur dicks.

[1474] How big would the, load B if a dinosaur cumbed.

[1475] And here's another fact.

[1476] What?

[1477] 30 % of suicides by males age of 12 through 20 are attributed to auto erotic as fiction.

[1478] No. What is that?

[1479] In Wikipedia, man. I don't know.

[1480] Oh, here's a fleshlight.

[1481] Auto erotic affixiation.

[1482] From 12 to 20.

[1483] That's silly.

[1484] That's insane.

[1485] You know, here's a fucking interesting statistic that's real.

[1486] 70 % of all pornography gets watched during 9 to 5 hours.

[1487] Really?

[1488] Yeah.

[1489] 12 % of a porno film is watched at a hotel room on average.

[1490] That makes sense.

[1491] But 70 % being during the internet or downloaded from the internet while you're at work, 9 to 5.

[1492] Totally.

[1493] How many people are watching this podcast or listening to this podcast at work?

[1494] A lot.

[1495] How many people are masturbating while listening to the podcast?

[1496] Two people right now.

[1497] And only one's hard.

[1498] One of them is crying.

[1499] It's struggling, trying to make shit happen.

[1500] there's too much porn I think at this point it's almost like it's too easy to beat off you know it's all it's all out there it's it's almost like unavoidable like it used to be hard as hell to get some pornography when I was a kid like we were talking about earlier about magazines man that was what you got magazines man you had to go to a liquor store and ask for the back shelf and you know nowadays man it's so fucking easy to get pornography nowadays you could just specialize on one particular type of pornography.

[1501] You could be like a weirdo foot guy.

[1502] You only want foot jobs.

[1503] Girls jacking guys off with their feet.

[1504] And you could fucking stack monitors to the top of your room, like a movie screen, 50 feet high.

[1505] And every one of them has got a different video of a girl jerking a guy off with their feet.

[1506] And you would die of old age before you watched all of them.

[1507] There's this shit that I was reading about where guys who go to graveyards after they bury somebody, like recently.

[1508] Like the next day after they bury somebody And they dig them up and fuck them Oh god Like they check the obituaries And find like a young team You know Oh where was this happening?

[1509] It was on the internet I read it I've heard of people doing it in There was an old Kinnison bit People doing it in a mortician's office The mortuary that you know Remember that bit?

[1510] I could see that happening Dude that bit is what got me into Kinnison Really?

[1511] I've told this story before But in the interest of brevity A girl that I was working with did the bit for me because she was telling me how funny he was and she was lying on her stomach in the parking lot going oh oh you mean life keeps fucking you in the ass even after you're dead it never ends and I remember thinking like wow what is this guy like this guy must be the funniest guy ever and then I got a hold of his HBO special and I got a chance to see it that's what that was probably the one moment when I was 19 years old with that girl on her stomach in the parking lot telling me that Joe that was one of the the one moments one of the few moments in my life where a spark went off of my head, like, wow, maybe I should do that.

[1512] Maybe I should be a fucking comedian.

[1513] You know, when I was 19, I had no idea what the hell was going to happen in my future.

[1514] I didn't know what I was going to do.

[1515] But I was already starting to think, like, maybe, you know, maybe I have to find something.

[1516] You know, maybe it's not martial arts.

[1517] I have to find, like, something else to do.

[1518] Like, maybe it was this.

[1519] This fucking guy's on his stomach.

[1520] Pretend to get fucked in the ass.

[1521] Like, well, there was nothing like that back then, man. But I think his joke was based on a true story.

[1522] It was in L .A. Some people got arrested for paying.

[1523] the morticians to spend a few hours undisturbed with the freshest male corpses.

[1524] Oh, God.

[1525] Oh, God.

[1526] Yeah.

[1527] I think if I was a mortician, and I think if you get a hot chick, that there'd be, sometimes you're sitting in this basement by yourself, you'd be like, I'm definitely going to touch this.

[1528] This video's online.

[1529] This photo's online of guys fucking dead bodies.

[1530] I don't think I could fuck it.

[1531] There's a photo photo online of a guy with this, where, I don't know if it's still up.

[1532] This is years ago.

[1533] This was in the late 90s, early 2000s.

[1534] And it was a whole sequence of photos from start to finish of this woman being on the slab.

[1535] She's clearly dead, you know, and then, you know, him putting his penis inside of her.

[1536] I think I've seen that.

[1537] Yeah.

[1538] And it's like, whoa, dude.

[1539] You know, he didn't just take these photos of someone's daughter and someone's sister or someone's wife.

[1540] He fucked her and took pictures of it and then put it online, you know.

[1541] It's some fucking crazy shit, man. I wonder how many people who get into, like what the number is.

[1542] How many people get into being a mortician or being, how many of them are.

[1543] For the sex?

[1544] Yeah.

[1545] How many of them are fucking around with bodies?

[1546] I'm sure it's very high, man. I'm never surprised at the things I hear.

[1547] And I think if you were into fucking dead bodies, that would be the number one thing to do.

[1548] How good is the meat and the dead body?

[1549] Is it cut?

[1550] Is it.

[1551] I'm sure it's juicier.

[1552] I'm sure it's juicier.

[1553] You know what I'm saying?

[1554] I mean, is the person's, is rigamortis set in?

[1555] Do they, can they fix that?

[1556] that?

[1557] Do they, is there a way that they can have rigororous not sit in?

[1558] Like, what happens when they embalm them?

[1559] Don't they pump out all the, what is rigor mortis?

[1560] What does that come from?

[1561] That's where the, yeah.

[1562] Do you know what it comes from?

[1563] I think that's, I think that's when you die, the body just stiffens up, but I don't think it's immediate.

[1564] I think it's immediate.

[1565] I think it's immediate.

[1566] I think it takes a few hours.

[1567] Yeah, so maybe if you get the person right after they died, they'd be still pliable.

[1568] Yeah, but don't you like when you die, you also, you just automatically piss and shit yourself and all that crap?

[1569] Just clean them up, man. If you're going to fuck a dead body, you can't have high standards.

[1570] So we kind of have to warm them up, maybe get some lamps or a heated blanket and let him sit in there for a while or something like that.

[1571] Put him in a warm tub.

[1572] Not warm enough to cook them.

[1573] Oh, God.

[1574] You know, the cool thing is that you could just pretty much fucking rip skin.

[1575] If you wanted to fuck that ass really hard, you know, you just fucking just start ripping it.

[1576] You never have to worry about her getting hurt, right?

[1577] That's true.

[1578] I guess you could think about it that way.

[1579] She's a gagger.

[1580] It's going right through the back of her throat.

[1581] something about disrespecting dead bodies that's particularly offensive particularly unsavory the idea of disrespecting someone's body their vessel while they're gone you know it's so like it's so inhuman you know there's something about it that's like it's very creepy right yeah one of the creepiest things that I'm eating it eating someone's body after they're dead I was listening to Casey Kasem they were uh he's still around i don't know if he's still around they had him on the radio though he might be dead but they had uh he was they were playing uh once from the 1970s i was uh in um philly and philly has this one badass radio station i tweeted it i don't remember the name of it's like w o g l w g oh and it was all like one badass song it would be like pink floyd and then it would be michael jackson and then it would be like uh you know sam cook i mean it was like some serious fucking jams one after the other and it was at this pool hall that we were playing at and they were they played like repeats of like the countdown show and I forgot like Casey Kasem with the countdown and he would uh you just pulled that out I don't mean that first time I've ever done that too that was awesome here we go this this request comes I don't know hey Scooby come over here Casey Casem with the countdown I can't even do I have to if I heard him I can do it You know he was shaggy?

[1582] Really?

[1583] Yeah Oh, yeah, I did know that, yeah.

[1584] Zonks?

[1585] Zonks!

[1586] But he was...

[1587] One of the songs, apparently, was about cannibalism.

[1588] And I don't know the song, but it was about some people that...

[1589] It was like the Donner Party.

[1590] It was about, like, you know, some people that...

[1591] You know, the Donner Party story?

[1592] They were headed to the West Coast, and they got stuck in the mountains of Colorado, and they ran out of food, and some people died, and they ate the dead bodies to stay alive.

[1593] Trey Parker made a film about it.

[1594] Did he really?

[1595] Yeah, cannibled a musical.

[1596] What's it?

[1597] Cannibal the Musical?

[1598] Yeah, it's his first movie he made in college with Matt Stone.

[1599] It's fucking brilliant.

[1600] That's really funny because they're from Colorado, too.

[1601] I fucking love it.

[1602] It's a brilliant movie.

[1603] Cannibal the musical.

[1604] Okay, I'll have to check that out.

[1605] Yeah, Amazon that shit.

[1606] But Casey Kaysam was going off, Casey Kaysam, about this.

[1607] Sometimes you have to make decisions.

[1608] And it was like, the decision was like, we like stop playing.

[1609] We're like, what the fuck?

[1610] It's like, you have to make a decision between eating the body.

[1611] or dying yourself.

[1612] And we're like, what the fuck, man?

[1613] What a weird, you know, top 40 or whatever the fuck it was.

[1614] I mean, I think it was a request.

[1615] You know, I only, like, tuned into it halfway while he was saying it.

[1616] But, you know, it was one of the weird things.

[1617] This Ness song deals with cannibalism.

[1618] It was like, what?

[1619] Like, how many times in history of people had to eat people to stay alive?

[1620] There's only, like, a few recorded instances, right?

[1621] there's a soccer team that crashed in a plane crash and they made that movie about them remember they're yeah what was that alive spoon yeah they're spooning that guy's ass out oh yeah it is the frozen ass meat with a spoon that was a freaky ass movie man when that that airplane broke apart yeah yeah tubes made out of metal aren't really meant to fly through the fucking sky yeah you know what's thinking the other day is what happened to all those lost people you notice how like all those actors from loss were such a high in their career and now do you see any of them?

[1622] They burnt off.

[1623] You didn't want to have anything to do with them.

[1624] Jack was pissing me off man. I know.

[1625] After a while, man, he really annoyed the shit out of me, man. He drove me nuts.

[1626] He was so phoning it in at the end when they were all standing around that tub and someone comes back to life.

[1627] I'm like, this motherfucker is just phoning it in, man. That is ridiculous.

[1628] Yeah, he drove me nuts because he wasn't appreciating his fucking part.

[1629] He was, he started off that series as a winner.

[1630] Jack was the fucking hero.

[1631] He was the man. You know, he was the doctor he was handsome all the girls loved him and by the end he was a junkie and a loser and you know what they did was i guarantee you that guy's annoying i guarantee you that actor is annoying and they're like to fuck this guy like well let's start making him a douchebag and start slowly like making him more and more annoying yeah fuck yeah they must have done that because how if he was so cool everybody else sort of like kept their their thing or became more cool as the show went on you know like the really hot girl with no ass what's her name um the really pretty one with the dark hair what the fuck is the kate kate yeah she sort of became cooler as time went on got her shit together you know raised that girl's baby you know she had like a lot of good positive attributes john locke became like mysterious and sort of magical and sort of figured out the world jack just became a junkie just became a fucking loser man yeah he just slowly fell apart if you saw the last episode you know what that last episode can suck my dick i ain't ain't fucking with that man i i think this i can't believe you watch that much and you just there's some freedom in walking away for it man yeah but you watch so much of it that you might as well see what happens there's some freedom and just saying no you don't have me anymore you fucks you can't you can't own me bitch i'm not your whore all right i'm not tuning in every week to watch your stupid commercials just so you can trick me with your silly storyline i i don't even watch tv anymore it seems like well once you start fucking throwing in like time travel and shit like they did now we're in 1970 all right you don't even know what happened you fucks you can do anything you want you fucks well there's a reason why yeah the reason is i can tell you know would you like to know nope i don't want to know you don't want to know you don't want to know i love that you want me to know and that i don't want to know i love that there's freedom in that man all right he was a girl the whole time he was a girl oh good good it seemed like a girl he was kate seemed like he was on his period for 10 years fucking twat oh Oh, Jesus.

[1632] Anything else?

[1633] Before we get going, there was some questions on the Rogan board that I'm perusing through.

[1634] And some of them we've actually already answered.

[1635] And some of them, here's like one.

[1636] What are your thoughts on listeners supporting the podcast financially?

[1637] It's not necessary.

[1638] The podcast, as I said, is a great method for me to promote shows and promote all the other stuff that we do.

[1639] And we get sponsorships.

[1640] The more you guys listen, the more we get sponsors.

[1641] I mean, we just have this fleshlight right now, but that's mostly because we're going to be moving to Sirius very soon, both, obviously.

[1642] We will still be live and free on the internet, it's still be on iTunes for free, it's still be available for download on the website for free, but it'll also be on Sirius satellite radio, just so more people can listen to it and just, you know, I like Sirius, I have it in my car, it's an awesome service, and I think it's just another avenue for us to get heard, and, you know, we're not even getting paid for it.

[1643] The same thing is like Stitcher and all that.

[1644] I'm for all of those things.

[1645] And the more of these things that we do, the more it, you know, it, like, I've never had this many people come to my shows.

[1646] I've never had, I mean, it's obvious that this is a good thing.

[1647] You know, it's obvious that there's a benefit for me in that and the promotional aspect of it.

[1648] And it's a benefit in people that they get this free entertainment, man. And it's a benefit for us, too.

[1649] You know, over the course of the year or so that we've been doing this, one of the coolest things that it really made me appreciate, I was bummed out when I had to come back here from Colorado.

[1650] You know, I have this idea of raising my kids, in a place where it's a little more calm, there's less people, there's less of the pressures of Hollywood, the sort of the bullshit materialism of this area, this part of the country.

[1651] It's a silly part of the country.

[1652] There's a lot of cool people here, but it's also a very silly part of the country.

[1653] So I was bummed out, man, when the dog got eaten by the mountain line and when Mrs. Rogan got pregnant, we had to come back.

[1654] I mean, to me, it was like, fuck, I was gone.

[1655] I made it out of this place.

[1656] I had escaped, and now I'm back again.

[1657] But what really, like, made me, appreciate this place was this podcast and was having all these cool people come over all the time having ari over having erie over having erie over having burchrecher and russell peters and tom green i'm like you know i sit back and i go god this is so much fucking fun you know somehow or another we have like a real legit national radio show and not even national man worldwide because we had a fuckload of podcast fans in australia that's on the other side of the fucking planet and When I asked them about the podcast, they went nuts.

[1658] So it's a worldwide sort of a thing, man. And, you know, and who the fuck knew when we did this that it would be what it is now?

[1659] Who knew that every week would be in the, you know, the top five of iTunes?

[1660] Who the fuck?

[1661] We had never, no idea.

[1662] No idea.

[1663] It was completely by chance.

[1664] And slowly along the line, it's morphed and slowly along the line, it's evolved.

[1665] And slowly along the line, it's become, you know, like something.

[1666] It's, it is itself.

[1667] now you know what I mean like now we don't think about how to do it like we came over here like Brian came over here today and we didn't even have to talk about when we talked about just normal shit like we always do but we this is our hundredth episode man it's a big deal but we're like but we should do it we were like well we should do it together yeah let's just do you and me for the hundredth and then that was the all the thing we had to talk about it's like it is its own thing you know it is it's got its own life to it now and all the people that send me emails man and all the Twitter messages and all the the people that I meet in the comedy club I appreciate the fuck out of that.

[1668] I think it is one of my biggest accomplishments in my career is this podcast and that message board and both of those things.

[1669] And the whole internet group are bringing all these cool people together.

[1670] And the positive energy that I get from all these people it shows and the positive reactions that I get, so many people coming up to me and telling me that this podcast helps them think differently.

[1671] It changes the way they look at life.

[1672] it changes the way they view their friends changes the way they view how they interact with other people you know I couldn't be happier man I couldn't be happy that we did this and this wouldn't have happened if I didn't give in and come back from Colorado if I decided to stay in Colorado we would have never have done this you know what about the idea of getting like a female sidekick a female sidekick a hole Mr. Robbins is not really down with that yeah oh did you hear that he slurped his coffee again that fuck feel it out over your car yeah if you hear but man that's me blame me um yeah you know adam crowe had a really funny girl in his show he had teresa strasser for a while and she was really funny and now he's got this new chick and a lot of people on the rogan board didn't like her but i thought she was funny man she made me laugh the the crazy thing about that is they odd he had auditioned a few girls like esther little esther went there oh that's how this girl got it yeah and i guess but what's crazy is like if you go to his website and look at all the But so every single one of the girls that he did, like, all hate.

[1673] Like, his audience hates so bad on any girl that's on his show.

[1674] I feel so bad.

[1675] Or Brody Stevens.

[1676] So the girls and Brody.

[1677] Who is the new girl?

[1678] You know, I think her name's like, is it Jesse or something like that?

[1679] I don't know.

[1680] I'm looking for it.

[1681] I'm going to look at it right now because I feel rude that we're talking about her own, not bringing her name up.

[1682] Yeah, that's going to be cool.

[1683] I have Adam Crollo on.

[1684] Yeah.

[1685] He's going to be on this.

[1686] next week next Tuesday yeah yeah in your formula that you've been working with on on it .com oh and n i t it's almost done it's on its way yeah i was reading did you read the case study that yeah that's pretty interesting yeah a lot of people look i've been taking five htp and i've had some some pretty powerful results i feel like it makes sentences form easier i feel like there's more circulation in my brain or something i mean i don't know what it is but five htp has given me a very tangible benefit there's some other stuff that I took that gave me some good benefits as well.

[1687] But what we did, what Chris did with this neutropic formula, it's like alpha brainwave neutropic formula, what we did was take all of the best neutropics, which are nutrients for the brain, and condense them into, I think it's like two pills.

[1688] And all these people, the case studies, had some really positive experiences with it.

[1689] I'm excited.

[1690] It's all legit stuff.

[1691] It's all stuff that people have reported actually helps brain function.

[1692] We're going to combine it into one thing.

[1693] And I think nutrition and, you know, mental nutrition and physical nutrition, all of it, is one of the most underlooked keys to happiness for people.

[1694] You know, I mean, we have a friend that got on antidepressants and this motherfucker eats Cheetos every night and never works out.

[1695] And I was like, yo, dude, you know, if you took care of that body, I guarantee you, you would feel a little bit better.

[1696] I mean, you, I mean, I'm not saying you don't have an issue that maybe needs to be corrected chemically because I'm not, I'm not inside your head.

[1697] But I know for a fact, my own brain, if I didn't work out, I would not be nearly as happy.

[1698] I would have all this extra pent -up shit.

[1699] You got to get that out, man. And you've got to treat this fucking vehicle good.

[1700] Give this vehicle vitamins, man. I drink fresh squeezed juices every morning.

[1701] Every morning when I'm at home, I squeeze, I get ginger and raw garlic and carrots and celery, and I blend it all together, and you feel so fucking good.

[1702] You're getting all those raw nutrients in your body.

[1703] And your body, you know, to people that, I know, I have a lot of friends who are very, very smart, but they almost think that there's something vain and trivial and foolish about taking care of your body.

[1704] You know, they smoke cigarettes or they eat shitty food and, you know, and they never exercise.

[1705] They never take care of themselves.

[1706] Like, man, you're missing out on a big chunk of life.

[1707] It's annoying.

[1708] It's annoying to have to go to the gym.

[1709] That's why it's good to learn a martial art or it's good to like to pick up a sport or racquetball or something where you're forced to move around, you know, where it's fun.

[1710] It's part of the whole game.

[1711] But find some way.

[1712] Find some way to take care of your fucking body.

[1713] Find some fucking way, man. Take some fucking vitamins.

[1714] Even if it's just multivitamins and fish oil, even if it's just that, that will make a fucking difference.

[1715] And so many people don't, man. So many people just ride it out.

[1716] And they just hope it all is going to fucking stay together.

[1717] I switched my 5HTP to Chris's brand, which is called Roll On or Roll Over.

[1718] I can't remember which one it is.

[1719] It's the blue bottle.

[1720] Yeah.

[1721] And it's great, too.

[1722] It's 175 milligrams, I think it was.

[1723] Do you feel a difference after taking 5HTB?

[1724] I've been taking it for over a month, and that in the Reservoir atrol, I think, are two of the best things I take.

[1725] I mean, I take fish oil in a multi -multivitamin every day, but I think those two are the things that I've noticed the biggest from.

[1726] How much do you think cigarettes fuck with you?

[1727] Oh, a lot.

[1728] Definitely.

[1729] Yeah.

[1730] Does it bother you, though, that you're doing that?

[1731] That you're poisoning yourself with cigarettes?

[1732] Because I've seen you before, dude, there's times that I've seen you when you're smoking a lot, when you take on, like, you have a gray quality to your face.

[1733] It's almost like, it's, I'm serious, man. And when you quit, you, you know what that great?

[1734] You know what that is?

[1735] Is I have a gray beard?

[1736] No. And if I, if I don't, if I shave, it's gray for the first three days.

[1737] No, man, I mean, I mean like your eyes, like around your eyes.

[1738] Like, you, there's something about smoking, something about a lot of that cigarette smoke in your system where, like, your whole system looks like, ugh.

[1739] Yeah.

[1740] You know?

[1741] It looks like your whole system is being poisoned slowly.

[1742] Well, it is.

[1743] Why don't you fucking quit?

[1744] Crazy bitch.

[1745] I will.

[1746] You won't.

[1747] What makes you say you're going to quit?

[1748] Wait for the first stroke.

[1749] The best part, is that what's going to do?

[1750] And you're going to go to be again?

[1751] Follow my grandfathers.

[1752] Go completely.

[1753] Your grandfather had a stroke?

[1754] Yeah, from smoking.

[1755] Really?

[1756] Yeah.

[1757] Oh, look at you.

[1758] Living smart.

[1759] Yeah.

[1760] It was like 65.

[1761] Oh, so you feel like you've got a few years.

[1762] Yeah, okay.

[1763] Well, what, isn't there like a, a point of no return, like, where you've done so much damage that you can never heal yourself up?

[1764] No, I mean, well, to a point, if you get cancer, obviously.

[1765] But, I mean, there's a chart, I think, like, after a year, you're pretty much back to normal.

[1766] Really?

[1767] Your lung capacity and all that stuff.

[1768] There's actually a thing where, like, if you quit the first week, the first day, the first month.

[1769] What keeps you from quitting?

[1770] I mean, you've taken those nicotine patches.

[1771] Can you just jam those?

[1772] Yeah.

[1773] I mean, it's just doing it.

[1774] I mean, seriously, smoking.

[1775] See, I wish you could tell the addiction part of it.

[1776] I wish I could, too, because Marin's complaining about it all the time.

[1777] He's always on his Twitter talking about putting nicotine patches on shit.

[1778] It's always going to be there.

[1779] Like that voice in the back of your head, even if you quit, is still there.

[1780] Joey's in denial.

[1781] Joey likes to pretend he's not smoking.

[1782] Yeah.

[1783] You know me, dog.

[1784] I don't need that shit.

[1785] Meanwhile, every time before I show, he's bummed cigarettes off you.

[1786] Right?

[1787] Yeah.

[1788] I always have to buy two packs every time I'm hanging out with him.

[1789] Helium gave me some cigars.

[1790] Helium's the shit.

[1791] I fucking love it there.

[1792] Yeah.

[1793] Two heliums we did this month, Portland and Philly.

[1794] Both of them were fucking awesome.

[1795] For those folks that are interested in the Massey Hall in Toronto show, the only tickets that are left are like single tickets.

[1796] But, you know, man, if you want to go, sit in separate seats.

[1797] Yeah, sit in separate seats or, you know, get people to move or something.

[1798] Who the fuck knows, man?

[1799] Just go and have fun.

[1800] It's going to be chaos.

[1801] And I'm doing it with Sam Tripoli.

[1802] But other than that, it's sold out.

[1803] And for the June 11th, I think it's what is the date?

[1804] By the way, Sim Tripoli got a footh going on now.

[1805] Really?

[1806] Yeah, you shave his head.

[1807] A silly bastard.

[1808] Sam Tripley's awesome.

[1809] And he'll be opening for me in, I said, June.

[1810] He's so excited about it, too.

[1811] He's like, I'll never play a bigger show than this ever.

[1812] He's going crazy.

[1813] And by the way, San Francisco is May 12th through the May 14th, and that's at Cobb's Comedy Club.

[1814] Yeah, June 10th is the Vancouver date, and April 29th is the Toronto date.

[1815] And April 29th, like I said, there's only a few tickets left.

[1816] And then the other thing is, Cobbs in San Francisco, yeah, it's already selling very fast at 12th through the 14th Is that a full death squad?

[1817] Who's going there?

[1818] Yeah, probably.

[1819] Whoever's around.

[1820] You know, Joey and Ari can do it.

[1821] You know, how we do it.

[1822] It's like Ari's getting a bunch of headline gigs now, which is very nice.

[1823] Yeah, Ari's headliner all over the place.

[1824] He's doing comedy competitions.

[1825] He's doing, or, you know, comedy festivals.

[1826] He just got back from Atlanta, and he goes, I realized something that was like, why does this feel so weird?

[1827] And then someone said, because you're the most famous comic here.

[1828] It's like, oh, I'm not comfortable with that.

[1829] And I go, you're not comfortable with that because that's responsibility.

[1830] You feel like responsible for like the young pucks?

[1831] You know, like, is that what it feels?

[1832] Like, you say, yeah, that is what it is.

[1833] I go, you shy away from every responsibility possible.

[1834] Right.

[1835] You know, even being like the most famous comedian, like, oh, don't look to me. I don't know nothing.

[1836] Let me, I'm get out of here.

[1837] And he just runs away.

[1838] That dude should be so much bigger.

[1839] I mean, like, I was talking, I was talking to Mary Carey when we had her on the podcast.

[1840] And he was talking about how she was talking about how she saw you and Ari.

[1841] And she's just like, what's that guy's name?

[1842] Ari Shapir, he was so fucking hilarious.

[1843] I'm like, wow, you know his name offhand.

[1844] Well, we talked to her for like five hours on the plane, too.

[1845] But, yeah, that she did remember his name.

[1846] Yeah, I mean, look, it's tough these days for a comic to get notoriety just for their stand -up.

[1847] You know, you have to get on something where people see you.

[1848] There's just so much entertainment value.

[1849] You know, you have to have a comedy central special.

[1850] You have to have something.

[1851] And Ari is at a bit of a disadvantage, just like Joey is, and that they're both ruthlessly dirty, you know, which is really hilarious.

[1852] but it's hard to clean that shit up for, you know, a seven -minute spot at Live at Gotham or something like that, you know.

[1853] It was always hard for me, too, when I first started out to clean it up for like a 10 -minute set or a 7 -minute set.

[1854] Seven -minute sets are hard in the first place because it's like just getting a joke out.

[1855] It's like, fuck, you know, when you want to do a set, you want to open up, get their respect, get some laughs, and then slowly settle into your view of things.

[1856] But you can't do that in 10 minutes, man. In 10 minutes, you've got to slam them with some shit.

[1857] and then just get the fuck out of there.

[1858] And, you know, that's something that Ari hasn't done yet.

[1859] He hasn't really, really knocked one out of the park and then got a half an hour Comedy Central special and then got an hour's Comity Central special.

[1860] And he doesn't do enough updating on his website either.

[1861] He's, I mean, you know, I was, look, I've had a website since 1998 and there's thousands of blog entries, you know, I mean, and I'm a busy guy.

[1862] You got to write things.

[1863] You got to give people things like Twitter.

[1864] Look, I write a lot of shit on Twitters like, hey, the podcast is about to start or, hey, you know, I'm about to do this gig or, hey, you know, come see me here.

[1865] But a lot of the rest of it is just me writing things that I think are funny and interesting or some link that somebody sent me that's interesting.

[1866] I'm retweeting it.

[1867] And I want it entertaining, you know, I want to make sure it's entertaining.

[1868] And because it's a part of that whole system of promoting yourself, of getting yourself out there, or being able to work.

[1869] And Ari hasn't really embraced that.

[1870] You know, he embraced the Twitter a little bit a little bit.

[1871] He writes funny tweets every now and then, but he needs to be, like, real proactive like his website.

[1872] It's not like he's got a wife and kids and a job and an excuse to not be doing all this stuff, you know?

[1873] But at least he's doing his podcast on your death squad network and it's the skeptic tank if you're looking for it.

[1874] That's what Ari calls it.

[1875] It's really good.

[1876] And I've been on it.

[1877] Mayhem Miller's been on it.

[1878] He had, was Steve on his?

[1879] No, no. That was on the 90 show.

[1880] But yeah, Mayhem, they're under Death Squads.

[1881] He's gone on iTunes and subscribe to Desquot.

[1882] It has Ari's that has Sam Tripoli's podcast.

[1883] Tom Segaro, who was on yesterday.

[1884] They're all grouped into one podcast.

[1885] Yeah.

[1886] And think about that man you would have never thought you'd be doing something like that yeah i mean come how crazy is that you know what's weird is the whole thing is that when i was in uh middle school you had a or something like a high school freshman in high school you had a shadow of the day job where you picked what you wanted to be when you grew up and you shadowed them for a day right right so i shadowed a radio station because i wanted to be a radio dj and i shouted the the morning zoo at w ncii 97 .9 it was the day buster douglas one and they had buster douglas on the on the radio station i think i've talked about this before but yeah a long time yeah so but it was crazy because we actually buster doug was knocked out tyson yeah we were we were actually in columbus ohio like when we did your DVD special and we are on that radio show and the guy was still working as a DJ and i was like you know what you were the guy that uh when i was a kid that i hung out with this guy all day took me to breakfast took me to lunch and now now look at this it's like i'm an adult and you're still here that's weird i'm an adult you still here that's weird yeah no it's uh it's it's it's interesting interesting what podcasting has become, you know, Ariel Halwani and I did his podcast yesterday, and I did it through Skype, which is pretty badass.

[1887] I did the video portion of it through Skype, and I just used the microphone and listen to the headsets, and I'm like, this is crazy, and we're doing it in real time, and it sounds awesome.

[1888] You know, it sounded really crystal clear.

[1889] It sounded great, yeah.

[1890] You know, you can, it's a different world, man. We live in a different world, and we got lucky.

[1891] We snuck in right on the ground floor, you know.

[1892] Totally never expected that i remember all these other people were doing podcasts at the time because i did adam corolla's podcast way before i even moved to colorado you know i had done it you know and i still hadn't done my own well it's podcasts in general it's weird how they used to be popular like four years ago like when they first came out and iPods just first came out and they were whatever it was huge for oh no like who were the huge ones back then uh i remember like kevin rose and all those guys uh from tech tv had one leo bill is he the guy started dig yeah same guy same guy kevin rose yeah crazy bastard.

[1893] Follow him.

[1894] He's got some ideas.

[1895] Well, now he's not with Dig anymore and everyone's pissed because he pretty much dig supposedly gone to shit since he left and everyone's mad at him, I guess.

[1896] That's what I've heard.

[1897] Oh, Kevin.

[1898] I haven't been following it.

[1899] I like Dig still.

[1900] I use Dig all the time.

[1901] I like Dig .com, if you've never been, is an excellent portal for interesting stories.

[1902] There's always like, I will scroll through the first four or five pages and every time I do it, you know, there's always something interesting that pops up.

[1903] That's where I got that Dilbert story.

[1904] And, you know, there's always Charlie Sheen.

[1905] asking for custody of his twins.

[1906] Oh, that's the fucking perfect thing to happen right now.

[1907] At the end of the podcast, for this goddamn phone to ring because I never turn it off.

[1908] Malibu.

[1909] Malibu, police.

[1910] Malibu, California.

[1911] All right.

[1912] Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, for that.

[1913] That's sort of an inside joke on this podcast, that I'm a retard, and I never turn my fucking phone off.

[1914] The real problem is I'm always usually on the phone right up until the time we start, and then there's a bunch of, of them and they're cordless, you know, so they're all floating around.

[1915] I never know where the fuck they are.

[1916] And I usually just pulled a plug out of the wall.

[1917] I did it yesterday.

[1918] I actually plugged it back in right before the show today because I had to make a call.

[1919] You don't give a fuck.

[1920] And I wouldn't either.

[1921] The point is we've done this for 100 episodes now.

[1922] Give me some knuckles.

[1923] We'd had a good time.

[1924] Red Band and I have, we've more than surpassed our expectations.

[1925] I never had any going into it.

[1926] I don't think you did either.

[1927] Oh, never thought it would be like this.

[1928] I thought this was actually going to last a month.

[1929] I thought, like, you'd get sick of it a month.

[1930] And that's the craziest thing about that, that you still, you know, you still do it.

[1931] You know, I thought for sure.

[1932] I'm pretty good at doing things once I get, once I get started, I'm pretty good at sticking to them.

[1933] You know, but it's, when I realized it was crazy, when I realized weird things was happening, was when I asked the crowd in Boston.

[1934] I did the Wilbur Theater.

[1935] Places packed, sold out.

[1936] And I go, how many, and Eddie Bravo was there.

[1937] And I yelled out to Eddie, because I had my time.

[1938] 10th Planet Jiu -Jitsu shirt on.

[1939] And I was like, 10th Planet in the house.

[1940] And then I yelled out, how many guys listened to the podcast?

[1941] And they went fucking crazy.

[1942] It was like 90 % of the crowd.

[1943] And I was like, whoa, really?

[1944] Really?

[1945] And then I realized that I'm like somewhere along around.

[1946] Maybe that's why these crowds have been cooler lately.

[1947] Like over the last like six months, the crowds have gotten noticeably cooler.

[1948] And they were always cool.

[1949] They were always cool.

[1950] There was always cool.

[1951] There was always people that did know what I was up to.

[1952] And they're just, you know, something to do.

[1953] They're because of fear factor or UFC or whatever.

[1954] Yeah, Jamie Kennedy wasn't in town, so they went to see me. You know what I mean?

[1955] It's like, they don't know what they're doing.

[1956] They're just wandering in there.

[1957] But now it's completely changed.

[1958] Like in Philly, the whole crowd, it's all podcast fans.

[1959] Because they find out about the show long before everybody else.

[1960] That show was sold out a month before we were ever there.

[1961] I mean, that's never happened to me before.

[1962] The best case scenario was like the last time I was in Philly, which was like a year ago, we sold it all out just before I got there.

[1963] But this was sold out, like way before that.

[1964] You know, so it's...

[1965] And you got it in an extra show.

[1966] You did more shows.

[1967] Shut the fuck up.

[1968] Same thing.

[1969] Hang up on me. I don't give a fuck about them.

[1970] That's how I roll.

[1971] All right, ladies and gentlemen, at that note, I apologize to the phone.

[1972] This won't happen after episode 100.

[1973] I'm going to have that shit straightened out.

[1974] I'm going to fix it.

[1975] We will be back next week.

[1976] As we said, Adam Carolla is on on Tuesday.

[1977] And I think we're probably going to do one either Wednesday or Thursday.

[1978] they, I don't know who.

[1979] Duncan Trussell's coming on next week too.

[1980] Yeah.

[1981] And Joey wants to come on next week too.

[1982] You know, we should have Duncan and Joey.

[1983] We haven't had those combo together for a while.

[1984] That's a good combo.

[1985] That's a good combo.

[1986] Ladies and gentlemen, it's been an awesome 100 episodes.

[1987] We have enjoyed the fuck out of it.

[1988] We thank you very much.

[1989] Everybody that enjoyed it, we're so happy that you did.

[1990] And I appreciate all the Twitters.

[1991] I appreciate all the Facebook messages.

[1992] I appreciate everything.

[1993] Thank you very, very much.

[1994] You guys are the coolest motherfuckers on the planet.

[1995] Thank you to the Flashlight for sponsoring the podcast.

[1996] If you go to joe rogan .net there's a fleshlight link on the right hand side if you click it and enter in the code name rogan you would get 50 no 15 15 % off the number one sex toy for men and you can shoot loads and it feels awesome all right that's it folks thank you very much we'll see you soon love you bitches see you guys