#1046 - Owen Smith

[0] Boom, and we're live.

[1] Oh, and you go in Australia?

[2] Are you moving there?

[3] No. I've never been, V. I'd never been.

[4] You'd never been.

[5] You'd love it.

[6] You'd love it.

[7] That's what they say, man. I get a lot of Australians come to the store and when I perform at the cellar a lot of Australians.

[8] They fly over here to see comedy.

[9] It's crazy.

[10] Yeah.

[11] They take comedy vacations.

[12] It's super common.

[13] You ever see like a hud dog spot and this is like world famous?

[14] Yes.

[15] I feel like when I talk to an Australian, I can say I'm world famous.

[16] but I've never been over there.

[17] Well, I think a lot of them come over here just so like, oh, fuck it, mate, it's go to Australia and, you know, fucking fly over to Los Angeles and see what it's like over there.

[18] They've got more people in their state than we have an entire country.

[19] There's more people in the greater L .A. area.

[20] Than in all of Australia?

[21] The entirety.

[22] What's that feel like?

[23] You know, and they're as big as the United States.

[24] Yeah, it's huge.

[25] Yeah, it's huge.

[26] So it's the size of the contiguous United States, I think the lower four.

[27] I don't think it's Alaska included, but it has less people than Los Angeles.

[28] I learned that lower 48 term when I was in Alaska.

[29] I didn't even know that.

[30] Yeah, they barely are America.

[31] Yeah, it was crazy.

[32] You look at it, you're like, what?

[33] How is this up here?

[34] This is America, too?

[35] Yeah, I was like, huh?

[36] How shall I get in?

[37] Lower 48.

[38] Yeah, I used to have a joke about Sarah Pal, and I'm like, that's a frozen Puerto Rico.

[39] That's what that is.

[40] That is so not America.

[41] That's barely America.

[42] hilarious those people are cool as fuck though yeah man I loved it everything was rustic that was the new word for like it's a bug on my spoon man they go that's rustic it was like I was in Fairbanks banging on things I became a nerd too I saw like the Aurora borealis like it was beautiful you saw moose up close and whales like breaching I got you know yeah resurrection bay I think is where I went it's fantastic there it's fantastic I loved it I went in April so it wasn't too cold but it was still cold the shit.

[43] Yeah, it's weird up there because the people are just, they're so accustomed to, like, the trials and tribulations of nature.

[44] They feel like they're heartier folk.

[45] Oh, yeah, definitely.

[46] You know what I mean?

[47] Definitely.

[48] They're not consumed with, like, the stuff that we are bothered with.

[49] And they, everybody has a plane.

[50] Like, every other person had a plane in their backyard.

[51] Like a bush plane.

[52] Yeah.

[53] It's kind of cool.

[54] Dude, this place is going crazy.

[55] We lost Garrison, Keeler, and Matt Lauer today.

[56] Both of them went down.

[57] That's what they get.

[58] crazy.

[59] Garrison Keeler.

[60] Garrison Keeler.

[61] Look, man, them low -talking dudes.

[62] Those slow -talking.

[63] Welcome to Lake Mova -Gone.

[64] Those are looking sideways.

[65] Yeah, the whispery dudes.

[66] Public broadcast radio could use your donations.

[67] We love bringing you quality content, but it comes at a price.

[68] Yeah, the first guy to go down was that John Gomeshi guy.

[69] Who was that?

[70] He's the guy from Canada.

[71] The CBC guy that was choking bitches.

[72] Oh, no. Who was the Montreal?

[73] That's the dude He was like He was like Mr. Calm and quiet and progressive And I'm a feminist I don't trust it I call myself a feminist Ladies you can listen You cannot trust I'm not the best human being in the world But I swear to God What you see is what you get Yeah All right You gotta be careful with these fucking male Feminist That is just That is a sneaky Ploy to get pussy What was that one Who was it Was it Eric Weinstein that was telling us about a particular type of cuddlfish that pretends to be a female so that he can get in close with the males because the males don't recognize him as being a threat.

[74] What was it?

[75] Sneaker male, like a sneaker male?

[76] Hilarious.

[77] Yeah, and he can operate like underneath the large cuddl fish and with all the females, then he bangs him.

[78] He's on a sneak tip.

[79] That's a dude that's like, I understand you.

[80] Yeah, is that it?

[81] That's dope.

[82] Sneaker male cuddlefish of Thailand.

[83] There it is.

[84] Yeah, so it literally is like a transgender cuddlefish.

[85] It pretends to be a woman, but really it's just trying to get some pussy.

[86] That's it.

[87] And its strategy is not to be the big, you know, ever -present, dominant male, but instead just slip around, just like the girls.

[88] That's like the one straight dude in a ballet joint.

[89] And he's like, the women complain to me about all the other guys, and then I end up smashing the mall.

[90] Or like the one straight dude in church choir.

[91] You know when you see those guys who they really are when one of the ballerina's boyfriends show up and the straight dude's bitchy to him?

[92] Yeah.

[93] Oh, look at you.

[94] Trying to fuck my girl.

[95] You've been trying, though.

[96] You've got this whole thing cultivated.

[97] You're watering it all and putting it fertilize.

[98] You're setting it all up.

[99] Got your moves.

[100] You got your calendar.

[101] You got your fake books.

[102] You're pretending to read that you leave out.

[103] Yeah.

[104] All the shit that we do.

[105] All the shit that guys do.

[106] everybody has a move what was garrison keelers he was he was probably the you know just the intellect man he was the professor he was the professorial crush right Lake Bobaghani created this whole world no talking dude made money in Minnesota it was Prince in this dude in Garrison Keeler yeah so look at man look at that dude was slinging dick oh Garish and Keeler I wonder what is the accusations I don't know Here's the thing, though, man, all a chick has to do is hate you.

[107] That's what's scary.

[108] Yeah, and then you're guilty.

[109] Yeah, the bucket is so wide.

[110] It's like, it's the Weinstein of it all, and then it's, I don't know, you know, Matt Lauer of it all.

[111] I don't know what Matt did, but.

[112] Yeah, I don't know what he did either.

[113] But then there's like the Louis C .K. angle where he doesn't even touch you.

[114] He just jerks off in front.

[115] He's like, hmm, what the fuck?

[116] Like, my boys say, though, he's like, you don't know what it's like to have a dick.

[117] Because you think about it.

[118] Like, who, like, who would put everything in peril to just jerk off in front of someone?

[119] Like, you know this is going to come back on you.

[120] Yes.

[121] So it has to be something, something with your dick that makes you go, I have to do this.

[122] I think it's, I've been saying this for a while.

[123] I think it's one of the things that, like, makes people funny, too, is that ridiculous way of you in the world.

[124] You're just chaotic, impulsive, and you do nutty shit.

[125] And the next thing, you know, you're like, can I jerk off in front of you?

[126] You're like, what?

[127] You push the limits.

[128] You start pushing.

[129] Let me see how ridiculous I can.

[130] Yeah, you want to see where people's lines are.

[131] And it probably worked.

[132] It might have worked for somebody.

[133] Yeah.

[134] Like, the whipping your dick out thing, like, I know dudes that that was, people tried to get me to do that in college.

[135] They were like, yo, you should just pull your dick out.

[136] I'm like, that works?

[137] Yeah.

[138] And I was like, I never had the courage to just pull my dick out in front of a girl.

[139] But I know cats that were doing it.

[140] But when it does work, you're like, holy shit, I got to figure out what the rhythm is here.

[141] Right, right.

[142] What's the beats?

[143] What are the beats?

[144] Is it a movie first?

[145] Because there's some times where it can work and you're like, what?

[146] How is that possible?

[147] But then other times where you'd pull your dick out and girl would be like, what the fuck?

[148] You're like, I'm sorry.

[149] Jesus.

[150] What did I do?

[151] Jesus.

[152] You can't bat baseball averages with your dick pull -out game.

[153] Not only that, it's a low average, too.

[154] It's a low average.

[155] It's a low average.

[156] But if you get crazy and hit that one out of a hundred, it was worth it.

[157] It was working until today, man All those 99 are coming out Yes And if you have like a freak girlfriend Like when you're in high school or something like that And then just ruins your perception You know what else fucks a lot of dudes up The strip club They hang out there so they have this false reality Of what, you know, a woman is And so then when they go out And just try to talk to a regular woman And they're like, well you got to get to know me first Like fuck you bitch They don't even know how to that But there's also you're just getting used to dealing with freaks?

[158] Yeah.

[159] You're dealing with freaks all the time.

[160] They have a different parameter.

[161] It's not like the lady in the office that handles accounting.

[162] You can't put your dick out on her.

[163] No. But that is nice when you meet a woman who has agency over her body and knows what she likes.

[164] That could fuck you up when you go and you're dealing with somebody that's not that free.

[165] Yes.

[166] That could be a, that's a problem where girls just, they're not freeze the right word, right?

[167] They're not just relaxed enough or comfortable enough in their own skin or know what they like and just can tell you and you're like yeah yeah yeah and that's when you have to decide if you really like her because if you do like focus on her and and bring that out of her and you don't like her it's going to be hard to get out of that yeah yeah that's a problem yeah I dated a girl once a long time ago yeah like way back in the day I was in my 20s and I loved having sex with her but I hated hanging out with it's yeah I know man it's that it's that she would just how did you try to like um ghost her when you were she got mad at me That's what they always did They always wound up getting mad at me They just get mad at you You're not doing what they want you to do You're not marrying them You're not this, you're not that You're not, oh man But you're not crazy, don't think about that You got what you wanted And then you had to sit through that Moment of her being upset with you knew it was coming But you already got what you wanted You know what I'm saying?

[168] Well it was the part of her behavior was like A game to try to get me in you know like part of her freak shit was just like she knew that that's what I want from her you know so she would just act like the freakiest like I'll suck your dick right here you want me too yeah like we're in the movie theater I'll suck your dick like whoa Jesus right you know you're like I didn't know I was on the menu but I'll take it and then when you go all right I'm good yeah like what how could you I suck your dick in that theater exactly exactly yeah like some part of like that behavior is like they know that other girls don't behave like that so if they just turn this shit up to nine like whoa it's And then you think about them all the time And then it gets exciting Then after she's mad at you Then that's when I would date her No dick sucks in the movie Angry Angry Fuck you on She didn't even like movies I don't like movies How come you don't like Who doesn't like movies?

[169] Yeah a friend of mine was talking to me about this About like a girl That has been like real open About all the different guys she fucked And now she's gonna settle down But I was promiscuous in the past And I'm not doing that anymore And the guy's like what When a guy is I hear's that, you're like, wait a minute, wait a minute, I missed it?

[170] I missed, I missed, I missed the war, Borealis.

[171] It's the worst, yes.

[172] I could have been here in April.

[173] I would have saw the lights in this guy.

[174] Yes, yes.

[175] Yeah, I hate born -again virgins, man. I get it, though.

[176] I ain't doing it no more until I get married.

[177] It's like, you got two kids.

[178] Like, you have, you used to fuck.

[179] It's my turn.

[180] It's my turn.

[181] You know what I had to do to get in this seat?

[182] But you got to just let people be who they are, man. When you see that, the thing is like, this is what men do.

[183] and also what women do.

[184] We try to change the person where we're like, oh, this dude doesn't dress good, but if I just get him the right clothes and just teach him how to groom his hair and, you know, get him to wear more stylish things.

[185] Yeah.

[186] Yeah, they'll just start to change you.

[187] Then you start looking better.

[188] You're like, why am I with you?

[189] Yeah.

[190] I want to get with her now.

[191] I had a body mind who would get girls and get him to go on a diet.

[192] He would date cute girls that were like a little chubby, and then he would take him to the gym.

[193] Added value.

[194] And I was like, what are you doing?

[195] added value he's like no this way like they really like you get them and then you can make them hot I'm like that's a lot of work man it's it's it's chaos you can't mean it might work but it's like the whip the dick out thing one out of a hundred it's gonna work yeah the other girl's gonna be hiding candy like how can we not losing any weight I don't know I'm doing everything you're doing it wrong right or the dude you know a girl takes a chubby dude and brings them to gym all the time you can't make a chubby dude like a fitness freak no it's like people are who they are they are who they are They are who they are, man. But I am, I'm trying to lose some weight.

[196] Are you?

[197] I'm doing, I'm trying intermittent fasting.

[198] I do that.

[199] You mess with that?

[200] Yeah, I do that every night.

[201] Oh, word?

[202] Yeah.

[203] Well, except on vacation, I gained five pounds.

[204] Even though I worked out every day on vacation, I worked out every day.

[205] But I drank and ate everything.

[206] I gained five pounds in a week.

[207] That's crazy.

[208] It's crazy.

[209] Wow.

[210] Yeah.

[211] So I just went off, though.

[212] How many hours do you go?

[213] What I eat, 18, 12?

[214] 14.

[215] 14.

[216] Yeah.

[217] That's probably what I'm doing.

[218] I think.

[219] Yeah, I do 10 p .m. at night, you know, I'll do 10 p .m. at night, or 8 p .m. at night, rather, and then 10 a .m. in the morning, or then 10 p .m. at the morning, I'm going to start eating.

[220] Oh, that's dope.

[221] It's easy.

[222] All right.

[223] Yeah.

[224] It's just, you know what, man, it's like that feeling when you come home from the store, though, and you're like, damn, I like to eat something.

[225] Yes.

[226] You know, but you just got to pass that up.

[227] You know, what else I got to pass up?

[228] Having something to drink at night, like glass.

[229] water something like that because it's always like four in the morning I don't piss like god damn it yeah and then you're not getting that good sleep yeah get up you got a piss you go back to bed again but a couple nights I've been fucking good and discipline where after a certain time no liquids and I sleep like a baby all through the nights wake up and you feel like you did something yeah another thing I do now is I work out in the morning yeah that's what I've been doing I work out in the morning before I eat I think I figured it out I think I figured out how I'm gonna do it I try to burn I started with heart rate monitor finally oh and I try to burn a thousand calories in my workout that's what I try to get to that's a lot that's a lot and so but if I can get to the thousand then if I try to if I eat 1 ,800 calories that whole day then that 800 for sure you know what I'm saying that's what that's what I'm trying I'm one day three day three do you go what do you follow a specific type of diet are you eating specific foods well I mean I try to um be more on the plant -based tip, but I'm not a vegan because I wear leather and all that stuff.

[230] I'm not.

[231] And I think vegan is like, I love what it represents, but I think they're marketing.

[232] That's not the best word.

[233] People are running from that term.

[234] So I just like, well, people running from cunts.

[235] There's a lot of people that are vegan that are just cunts.

[236] I had C .T. Fletcher on yesterday, and you know he is?

[237] The famous power lifter, very motivational guy.

[238] Oh, the black dude, right?

[239] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[240] But he was saying that he, He doesn't even say he's vegan anymore because people are so goddamn militant.

[241] He's like, I'm not doing this for the animals.

[242] I'm doing this shit for my health.

[243] Right.

[244] But if you say that, people got mad at them.

[245] So he's like, I just say I eat vegan most of the time.

[246] Yeah.

[247] Most of the time.

[248] Yeah, same.

[249] That's what he says.

[250] I get it.

[251] But the vegans that are good people that are just doing it because they care and they're kind.

[252] They get a bum rap because of all the psychos.

[253] And those psychos almost always have like a vegan in their name.

[254] Yeah.

[255] Like vegan warrior.

[256] Yeah.

[257] Vegan earth goddess.

[258] Yeah, if it's vegan first.

[259] But you know what's funny?

[260] If vegan is last, they tend to be cooler.

[261] Like this thing, like, it's like, I'm this person and then vegan.

[262] Like, my man, uh, epi vegan, he loves your show.

[263] Epi vegan?

[264] Epi vegan.

[265] I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do a segment when he comes to town.

[266] And, uh, okay.

[267] I like that cat.

[268] He's cool.

[269] I like a lot of vegans.

[270] Yeah.

[271] But I mocked them.

[272] Like, I mock myself.

[273] I mock myself.

[274] How the fuck am I not gonna mock you?

[275] My wife isn't vegan.

[276] And I try to, and, but she'll eat stuff that I'm making.

[277] Sometimes she'll placate me. I did.

[278] I took a huge loss on Thanksgiving, though.

[279] I made two pies.

[280] I like to cook and stuff.

[281] So I made two sweet potato pies Yeah one with milk and butter And all the stuff that you had growing up Boom and I did that And then I made one Vegan one just to see What would uh what people were like And man it was just one slice Taking out of the vegan One sad slice And everybody was like man come on And they tore the other pie up Of course Butter and eggs and sugar I had to wrap it up and take it back home with him.

[282] He's still in the fridge.

[283] What's in the vegan one?

[284] So instead of eggs, you make flaxseed eggs.

[285] So your pie got freckles in it.

[286] I don't want no freckles in my goddamn pot.

[287] But then it's everything else.

[288] It's the same.

[289] It's the same.

[290] And instead of using half and half, you use, like, you use, it'll be like almond milk mixed with, like, coconut milk.

[291] That's all right.

[292] And then you do, but the same, all sugar, flour, all that's the same.

[293] No eggs.

[294] No eggs.

[295] No eggs.

[296] Just, just, but eggs, you can't taste eggs when you eat them.

[297] It's just, eggs is a binding agent.

[298] It just holds it together.

[299] When I was in Hawaii last week, we made noki.

[300] What's that?

[301] We took a class.

[302] It's a potato pasta.

[303] They were talking about that at the store.

[304] I've never had that.

[305] Ooh, it's delicious.

[306] Is that good?

[307] Yeah, it's good.

[308] Who makes good nokey, though?

[309] Because everyone's eye contact divert.

[310] Like, I was saying, who makes good no?

[311] They're like, man, I don't, you out here.

[312] So I was like, you talk, I want to taste it.

[313] Like, what is this?

[314] It's just a, it's an Italian food.

[315] You just got to go to a good Italian restaurant.

[316] And they make the novi.

[317] Yeah, yeah, all right.

[318] Yeah, just find a good Italian place that has pasta.

[319] They'll have nokey, most likely, yeah.

[320] And it's not spelled N -O -K -I.

[321] It's a G in there.

[322] I've always, when you open a menu and, you know, I was like, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm fucking with that.

[323] Like, I wouldn't even, if I say a G -D -I.

[324] Risky.

[325] If they have like lamb chops and nooky, like, oh, it's knocking, like, suck.

[326] And then my meal is trashed.

[327] Right.

[328] It's probably been sitting there my whole life going to fancy Italian restaurants and just never.

[329] It's an interesting pasta because it's a pasta made with, like, they make it with potatoes.

[330] Okay.

[331] They boil potatoes and they smash them down.

[332] And then they get it to a certain consistency.

[333] They cool it off.

[334] And then they add certain amount of flour.

[335] Like, we did the whole thing.

[336] We chopped it up.

[337] Wow.

[338] We pressed it into.

[339] You roll it.

[340] it you roll the flour out into like a little tube and then you cut little sections of it you make your nokey with the sections and do you have to then you bake that or do you yeah they boil it they boil it okay they boil it I think I didn't watch them do it I'm pretty sure they boil it though making a little sauce and then red sauce we had a bunch of different sauces we the chef cooked it with three different sauces he cooked it with a bolognese sauce he cooked it with a it was like a cheese sauce with with walnuts right like a walnut.

[341] I forget what kind of cheese.

[342] And then there was another one.

[343] One other sauce, a pesto.

[344] I love, I make fresh pesto.

[345] Yeah, it was good, man. It's really good.

[346] Yeah, man. I just, I think if you just cut out bread and cut out pasta, those are the two big ones.

[347] Just cut that shit out of your diet.

[348] You just sold my noki pasta.

[349] Yeah, but that's potato pasta.

[350] So that's different.

[351] Different, yeah.

[352] It's not as good for you as like some things, but I don't think it's nearly as bad for you as grain.

[353] I think grain is just the terrible.

[354] Have you got it?

[355] I haven't gotten through that dude's book.

[356] Wheat belly?

[357] Yeah, wheat belly.

[358] No, I haven't.

[359] But I watched a documentary on the plane coming back from Hawaii about wheat.

[360] Let me see the fucking name of it is.

[361] But it was a trip.

[362] And it was all talking about the roundup chemicals that they spray.

[363] Ah, there it is.

[364] And they were talking about how people say, well, it only affects bacteria.

[365] And they were saying, yeah, but you have bacteria in your fucking gut.

[366] Right.

[367] Yeah, what's with wheat?

[368] that's the name of the documentary and it's not good I tried watching it that dude was talking I was just I couldn't I was all right man I was falling asleep on that's the problem with all those academics yeah like to be the type of person that could sit down do that kind of research painstaking time consuming research you're boring as fuck but you need those people man right those people are the only ones that are going to do it you're not going to do it I'm not going to do it no I know you need those people doing tests and then just explaining to you the dangers of complex gluten's group yeah man so yeah that's that's my goal so i'll check back in with you in like six weeks see if i'm where i need to three days in feeling strong though right i'm talking about it publicly i'm usually really private about what i'm doing i think talking about it publicly is important hey man once you once you put it out there yeah once you get over 40 i feel like i feel like you can eat whatever you want until you're 40 because you only get one intestine so then you have to start you start you're 40 you have to start your body loses enzymes that will break it down as vigorously.

[369] Because I have a son now, and I watch my son eat anything.

[370] Right.

[371] And he's, his energy is high, you know, and all of that.

[372] But when you get older, you lose some of those enzymes.

[373] I feel like enzymes are like government workers.

[374] Like, you eat a steak.

[375] They're like, who going to get that?

[376] I've been getting that shit for 40 years.

[377] Anybody somebody else going to come get that?

[378] And so then it sits and it sits.

[379] Plus your son's growing.

[380] My son's a little furnace.

[381] A little furnace for calories.

[382] It's just burning them off.

[383] dope he's starting to speak sign language now like just little things you know he knows more and we give them some food and we taught them more and he just looked at us like we were silly and then like a couple hours late he's like come on bring it you told me this way it's not working I'm doing it well in the beginning they say sign language is a really good thing to teach kids because they can't really formulate the words yet their mouth that's why they get frustrated and they start crying because they can't tell you what they want but they know what they want it's amazing they don't know a language yet Yeah.

[384] It's interesting.

[385] And he's a huge Prince fan.

[386] You know, I love playing records.

[387] And so my wife got me a dope record player for Christmas.

[388] And we play Prince's Purple Rain on there.

[389] And if I play anything else, he just wants Prince right now.

[390] Really?

[391] And I'll go, you want to hear some music with dinner?

[392] And he'll run to the record player and he'll start trying to.

[393] How old is it?

[394] He's 14 months.

[395] Wow.

[396] Yeah.

[397] And so, like, he understands things.

[398] I'll be like, get the ball.

[399] And he'll get it.

[400] and then we'll play.

[401] But I could see him wanting to say it.

[402] Occasionally he'll sit and just start mocking me. Like, I'll say, get the boy, be like, bah.

[403] Like, I could see him trying to just, yeah, fuck with you.

[404] Yeah, fuck with me. I literally just start saying, trying to say what I just said in the same rhythm.

[405] Wait until he starts talking you.

[406] That's when it gets real weird.

[407] Man, I can't wait, man. I have a little conversations with my kids.

[408] Yeah.

[409] And just while I'm talking to them, I'm talking to them about what we're, talking about but most of my brain is like i can't believe you can talk yeah i know i can't believe you're a person and we're we're of a you're a seven -year -old person and we're exploring the world together we're talking about stuff and yeah my kids are way too aggressive with me physically though especially my littlest one boy my seven girl all girls man my seven -year -old she fucking tackles me all the time just full -on charge like i'm indestructible she takes m -ma so she will slam into me, grab a single leg, throw her shoulder into me. If I plop down the bed, she gets on top of me, she drops on top of me in the mount, she'll start punching my stomach.

[410] She thinks it's hilarious, because I'm like a toy.

[411] She feels like she can just beat on me. Because I can just carry her, and I pick her up all the time.

[412] I put her on my shoulders.

[413] She's like, this motherfucker could just carry me. I can't even hurt him.

[414] I just wail on him.

[415] That's so funny.

[416] It's hilarious.

[417] She's so aggressive.

[418] Man, I want my son to know how to do all that stuff.

[419] Oh, yeah.

[420] involved early then it'll be it'll be a normal part of life so that way like bullies and conflict it won't bother them because they know how to fight yeah I had to make bullies laugh but you're a big dude big dude yeah but I got a short torso so like I look five eight sitting down so when I used to I grew up in Maryland so I used to you know we had public transit and stuff so whenever I would be on public transit I would always see the dudes like yo we got one and then I don't have to stand up they were like oh never mind but yeah my height saved me a lot and then being funny helped me a lot too yeah being funny is the good ones like oh this guy's not trying to be dominant he just wants to be the silly dude yeah okay we like you yeah you know what i used to do too though uh only i only told um Colin Quinn this story um when I grew up in these apartments Pembroke apartments and in Prince George County Maryland there was this one bully who would steal people's bikes and shit and he would start fights and whatever and so I had I played sports you know so one of my trophies broke and my mom took me to some place to fix it and I did not know that there was a place that existed where you I just thought trophies appeared you know what I mean as a kid you just get a show right so when I saw this was the spot what I used to do is I was saving my allowance and I would go to the trophy spot and buy like a karate trophy and just walk around and just long enough for this one dude to see me who I knew would be like the town Cryer.

[421] And I would always act embarrassed about it like, oh, you know, what's that young?

[422] And that's how we talked.

[423] We say young and stuff.

[424] My mother got me taking karate and shit.

[425] I won this little turn.

[426] Oh, you want karate?

[427] You nice like that?

[428] Yeah, man. Don't tell nobody, man. I ain't going to say shit.

[429] And then I was these.

[430] And so then and then like a couple of months to go buy, I go buy and buy a little bigotry.

[431] That's hilarious.

[432] And dude never mess with me. He never messed.

[433] Thank God, thank God.

[434] No one was like, oh, I can fight, but, you know what I'm saying?

[435] But it was like, the word got out enough because nobody knew, you know what I'm saying?

[436] Like, if you heard a dude did karate, that was enough.

[437] Like, you didn't want to get embarrassed.

[438] Right.

[439] It gave me, like, free passage to do, you know, just to be my corny self, be out, you know.

[440] That's a very clever way of handling it.

[441] That's what I did.

[442] When I saw that store, I was like, and the pieces were, they were like, five, you know.

[443] bucks seven bucks three bucks and I would go put it on and then so I was acting of the early age this all that shit like just planning I said I know where he gonna be you know as soon as he saw me I'd go back in the house I didn't want like a big you know what I mean that's very clever like psychologically you knew the right guy that couldn't keep his mouth shut yeah yeah yeah it's always that guy you know who that guy is yeah and he and he was so funny too because um I bet he works with TMZ now probably if he if he got out if he if he got out if he got out right because that was in our neighborhood it was people were afraid to dream out loud you know what I mean like I wanted to be a comedian since I was nine but I ain't tell nobody because I saw somebody else say I want to be whatever man you ain't going you can't you know what I'm saying right so isn't funny how people want to squash dreams yeah because it's their fear but you don't realize that to your older right it's their fear that they're pushing on you yeah and so they're in their own way, they think they're helping you.

[444] Right.

[445] They're giving you a dose reality.

[446] Yeah.

[447] And you're in Boston, so you had this too.

[448] A lot of people yell at you helpful shit.

[449] Like, you know what I mean?

[450] Like, it's like a yelling community.

[451] Like, don't do that.

[452] You know?

[453] So I always had like, people always yell at, oh, they watch the street.

[454] You know, like, they would be like really emotionally charged.

[455] Like, get out of the street.

[456] You know, as opposed to, hey man, it was never calm.

[457] Everything You were always yelled at.

[458] It was like a lot of yelling.

[459] You know where I found it the weirdest.

[460] I worked as a limo driver once.

[461] And there was this guy that worked in the dispatch.

[462] And this guy was just like a real bitter dude.

[463] And he wasn't that much older than me. I was 21.

[464] And he was probably like 26 or 27.

[465] But he had given up.

[466] And he was the dispatch guy.

[467] And I worked all day.

[468] I had an eight -hour shift.

[469] And then after I did the eight -hour shift, I'm like, hey, man, I got to go.

[470] I got a show tonight.

[471] yeah and he's like a lot of guys here work 12 hours a day I go that's great yeah I go but I did my eight hours I'm going yeah and like when we need some airport pickups I'm like I did eight hours I go I'm not working more than eight hours a day for you guys like this is like a part -time job I work eight hours a day I'm gone this motherfucker called the place where I was supposed to be performing to find out if I was there and something happened and I got switched to another place like the booking agency said hey want you work at this place instead and so I went in the worked next thing he's like yeah he goes you weren't at that fucking place you said you were last I I was like first of all dude I'm done working right I'm done yeah I go second of all they switched me the booking age just call this other place yeah I go call the other place I'll wait yeah and we're just looking at each other I'm like this guy just doesn't want dreams yes he's like yeah you're out there doing comedy you can be making me real money here yeah real money yeah yeah how dare you not see this is the thing they were point to this one dude there was this old dude who worked there and I remember he was this big fat guy who had a Cadillac and that was the thing they were saying you know John over here he works uh he doesn't bust his ass he works about 60 hours a week and he's got a beautiful Cadillac and he's just sitting there he was like wow John's got a Cadillac he was like probably in his late 40s yeah fat dude just could tell you where the best veal scallopine is he just knew where the food is because he just sat in his car all day driving around yeah and then I remember thinking like this poor fuck like John makes about $60 ,000 a year he doesn't have to bust his ass yeah it's a good living and they point to him look at his Cadillac we were always like well he's his prison this guy's working 16 hours a day like what the fuck is going on here man you can't live like that yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah man you got you got to dream bigger than that I'm one of my boys he he's doing really well he could always sing so I think we used to always have little singing groups and uh and we have this It's a local music called go -go music.

[472] Go -go music.

[473] It's like a lot of percussion in horns.

[474] Local as to where?

[475] It's really local in the D .C., Maryland, Virginia area.

[476] But you've heard go -go.

[477] Like, it's splashed.

[478] It's had some national hits, like, doing the butt as a go -go song.

[479] Doing the butt.

[480] Yeah, by experience unlimited EU.

[481] I ain't a lot of wrong.

[482] A bug -du -pac -pac -pac -boo.

[483] Yeah.

[484] All night long.

[485] Yeah, that.

[486] So in the 70s, there used to be music programs in all the schools.

[487] So all these cats were coming out, learning like instrumentation, composition, like all this stuff.

[488] But like in our era, they cut that.

[489] But go -go bands, they still played like live music.

[490] So we would all try to form go -go groups, but we couldn't read music.

[491] So we would be like, your part is, boop -baka -boopo.

[492] We would talk to each other.

[493] You on the horn, you play, bum, we didn't know notes or anything.

[494] We would always try to do that, or we would be in a little singing group or something like that.

[495] And one cat could sing so well.

[496] And I just remember when my mom, we moved away when I was 13, I remember hoping that he would keep singing.

[497] Years later, I'm asleep on my couch, man. And I love music video, so I had it playing.

[498] And I heard a familiar voice and I wake up, it was him.

[499] Wow.

[500] I started crying on my couch.

[501] Did you?

[502] Yeah, I was like, he got it!

[503] He made that out.

[504] Yeah, he's fantastic.

[505] And he got nominated for a Grammy two years ago.

[506] Wow.

[507] Yeah, yeah.

[508] What's his name?

[509] His name's Blue, Black Boo.

[510] His name's Alfred, Antonio Duncan.

[511] He went, uh...

[512] He called him Black Boo?

[513] That's what he calls himself.

[514] He, and he calls himself Black Boo.

[515] Professional?

[516] I mean, we were next, we were, he was like my brother growing up.

[517] Like, I'm my only child, but he, uh, his real name is Alfred, but he, so this is how we met, like, probably, I don't know how old I was, but it was knocking my door, Saturday morning cartoons.

[518] That's him.

[519] Wow.

[520] And so then Mabo sauce is the name of Gogo Band he was in.

[521] And they have a hit song called Welcome to DC that I saw on the video channel.

[522] And it plays all the time, like in the Redskins, you know, with the Redskins play.

[523] And with the Washington Wizards play, he's dope.

[524] And so, and he just went viral for marrying his wife, like he proposed to his girlfriend and then married it the same.

[525] Jay.

[526] What did you say, Jay?

[527] There's something else that just happened.

[528] It went viral stuff.

[529] Oh, nah.

[530] But this is how he met.

[531] I remember he knocked in my door.

[532] And my mom answered it.

[533] And he was like, how you doing?

[534] My name is boo.

[535] He said, my mother won't know if you got a cup of milk, we could borrow.

[536] And my mom was like, okay, yeah, we got a cup of milk.

[537] My mom went to get some milk.

[538] And she goes, this is my son.

[539] Oh.

[540] And I go, hey, I go, why they call you boo?

[541] He said, because they said, when I was born, I was so black, then I looked like the sound of ghost makes.

[542] That was his name, boo.

[543] So then my mom gives him a cup of milk, and then he walked back carefully with it 15 minutes later.

[544] How you doing, Ms. Smith?

[545] My mother one, though, if you got a half a cup of sugars, she could borrow.

[546] Yeah, I got half a couple of money.

[547] Came back.

[548] How you doing, Ms. Smith?

[549] My mom, my mom, I want to know if you got one egg, she could borrow.

[550] You showing you don't need two?

[551] No, just one eggs.

[552] My mom gave him.

[553] I'm going to give you two just in case.

[554] So then he left, came back.

[555] How you doing, Ms. Smith?

[556] My mother, if one knows if you got a quarter of a cup.

[557] A cup of oil, chocolate.

[558] Jesus.

[559] Real talk.

[560] My mom gives him a cup of oil.

[561] Comes back 15 minutes later.

[562] No. How you doing, Miss Smith?

[563] My mother won't know if you want to come over for pancakes.

[564] He was my friend.

[565] He became my best friend, like just like that.

[566] Just like that.

[567] And my mom was like, does she need syrup?

[568] And you can hear his mom go, I had that, you know?

[569] Oh, that's funny.

[570] And that's how we meant.

[571] And that was kind of like indicative of the apartment complex.

[572] Like, looking back at it, it was like basically all single mom.

[573] in that apartment complex and so all raising young boys and we would all go outside and play and give each other bad information and try to finger pop girls or whatever whatever try to do backflip whatever it was and um and so that was a it was just a great time in my life because I was born in the Bahamas and then when my mom left my dad at nine months she moved to DC for like a year and then the Pembroke apartment.

[574] So I was in Pembroke Apartments from there until like 13 or 14.

[575] Where did you start doing comedy?

[576] I started doing comedy in Maryland, man. Where?

[577] The Greenbelt Comedy Connection.

[578] Outside was a huge picture of Martin Lawrence and Dave Chappelle was just bubbling, starting to like pop.

[579] And I actually saw Chappelle bomb in there.

[580] And I hope this isn't a negative story It was fantastic how it happened He went up and he was doing this stuff And it was a black crowd At the time You know he was young man We were the same age So at the time We were both 19 And he was like Just trying to figure it out And I thought he was great But somebody was like boo And they just started Just a collective boo He was like fuck y 'all I'm gonna be famous I'm gonna be famous Like he literally was saying that Then he walked off stage And he sat right next to where I was And you know that just bomb energy he was just like he ain't want to look at nobody and I was just like man I never seen anything like that happened and this guy named Tony Woods went up after I know Tony they they uh and so then Woodsy goes up and Woodsy goes man that was great standing ovation right then they walk off they walk out together getting the same car and drive off I was like oh my god that was incredible like just seeing that happen yeah and uh and then and that's I started in that environment where I learned how to perform first, right?

[581] I had no substance.

[582] I just knew how to, I was trying not to get booed.

[583] So I wasn't talking about shit.

[584] I was just, man, you.

[585] It's just an entertaining, just an entertaining performer.

[586] But everyone in that environment was so nurturing.

[587] Like, when you got offstage, other comments, like, yo, that's funny.

[588] First slow down, say this.

[589] You know, and it was like a, it was like a weird.

[590] I don't know, I never had, like, other, like, black men be that, like, excited about something that wasn't sports or women.

[591] You know what I mean?

[592] Right, right.

[593] And be that encouraging.

[594] Like, yo, man, you funny.

[595] Da -da -da -da.

[596] And so I was like, I'm home.

[597] This is, you know, and it was a guy I went to eighth grade with a cat named Mike Brooks.

[598] He's like the mayor of D .C. comedy -wise.

[599] He had been doing it a year longer than me and took me around all the spots.

[600] So my goal that summer was to just.

[601] get paid because I believe if you got paid I'm a professional right so at the end of the summer this guy named pops gave me a crumpled up $25 to perform in front of like six people in this big place in the Greenbelt the comedy connection of Laurel and after that you couldn't tell me nothing because we had performed in it's a lot of spots called cabarets where the audience is not facing you so you're on stage and they're at long tables eating crabs and stuff and they have to Kareen the next bag.

[602] Oh, yeah.

[603] And if I would get like a laugh or something, I was like, oh, okay, I'm doing it.

[604] And we would do crazy stuff.

[605] Like a headliner would like go short and we would go up after a headliner and eat it.

[606] Because he just had him.

[607] He was the headliner.

[608] But for some reason he had an issue.

[609] We would go up next.

[610] I heard a headliner do that.

[611] Burke Kreis was telling me about that where he would go on after the headliner.

[612] Yeah.

[613] Because the headliner didn't want to do the drop check spot.

[614] Yeah.

[615] So he would go up, someone would go up and do like 10 minutes.

[616] Yeah.

[617] The headliner would go up, do an hour.

[618] And then Burt would go up and close the show.

[619] Yeah.

[620] Mike Brooks was amazing.

[621] What kind of shit is that?

[622] I know.

[623] Yeah.

[624] One time, this is when I took another sweet L. It was that same summer.

[625] We were at one spot.

[626] And then Mike said, hey, man, let's go to, let's go to Comedy Connection.

[627] Laurel.

[628] Chris Thomas was coming down earlier or something.

[629] We're going to close it out.

[630] I was like, all right.

[631] I didn't know.

[632] You weren't supposed to do that.

[633] And I'd get up there.

[634] Chris Thomas is killing.

[635] He was the mayor of RAP City.

[636] He used to do this move and he does like a lot of impressions.

[637] And he was, he was, the crowd is literally like crying.

[638] Still, I'm going to go.

[639] I'm thinking I'm going to kill it.

[640] I don't know what's about to happen.

[641] And Mike, and I had to go first.

[642] That was the other thing.

[643] He set me up.

[644] Like, yeah, you go up.

[645] then I'm gonna go up.

[646] So I basically had to take like what was coming.

[647] So Chris leaves and it was no ill will or nothing.

[648] He literally had to go do something.

[649] So then they introduced me. I come out there.

[650] This one I used to wear slacks and shirt was tucked in.

[651] I just smell like a college kid.

[652] Like you know, I was like, what's up y 'all?

[653] What's up?

[654] All right, why it's like, and the checks are dropping.

[655] I didn't understand what that was.

[656] People are looking at their bill.

[657] Man, the power ranges are crazy.

[658] I'm talking about sweat.

[659] You know, all terrible, terrible.

[660] I race off stage.

[661] And then I don't think I got booed, but it was just silence.

[662] It was just no laughs.

[663] And then, but Mike, he used to do this trick where he would pad his intro, which shit he never did.

[664] You seen him on the Martin Lord show.

[665] You seen him opening for Sinbad.

[666] You seen him on Def Jam.

[667] I was like, you ain't doing all that.

[668] And he was like, you got to figure, do you make it, Jordan.

[669] And then he went out and he did okay.

[670] And then I just learned a lot of lessons in that era, you know, like how to keep going.

[671] Like if the shit ain't working, you know, just keep going.

[672] And I really had so much confidence because I feel like that area was some of the, some of the toughest environments to get laughs.

[673] So then I went to the Midwest, I went to school in Notre Dame.

[674] I was like, this is like, shit.

[675] People are friendly.

[676] Yeah.

[677] This is going to be so easy to make, you know, to be.

[678] And so I started a comedy, a funny bone opened up in South Bend.

[679] I became like the House MC there and I would watch the national headliners come through.

[680] Oh, that helps, right?

[681] Tremendously.

[682] And that's when I learned substance.

[683] Like I was like, okay, I got to have something to say.

[684] Isn't it interesting too when you would, if you would work at a place like that?

[685] I remember that was how it wasn't Boston when I was first starting out.

[686] If I was lucky, I'd get like a hosting gig and I would get you to see the quality.

[687] of some people's material versus others.

[688] And you would see a guy coming in as a headliner and you're like, really this is a headliner?

[689] It was just like barely adequate.

[690] Just barely.

[691] And you'd watch them all weekend.

[692] And you're like, this is a whack show.

[693] And then the next week it'd be Bill Hicks or something.

[694] And you go, oh, fuck.

[695] Yeah.

[696] Next level.

[697] Yeah.

[698] Like you realize.

[699] Like it's the quality of your thinking.

[700] Yes.

[701] Like people are chimed.

[702] They're tuning in to what you're saying in some sort of a weird way that hasn't totally been defined yet.

[703] Yeah, yeah.

[704] You know, and when someone is up there and they just got some great material, they got a great shit, it's like he puts a smile on your face, like it gets your, your brain lights up, like, ah, I like where he's going with this.

[705] Yes, I love that.

[706] I was, oh, I didn't know you could do that with comedy.

[707] I didn't know you could do that with the art form.

[708] It is, it is like a, it's such a personal thing for me. Like, when I see somebody abusing it, I do get like, but now that I'm a little older, I just go, I, it doesn't affect me like it used to.

[709] Yeah.

[710] I know what you mean.

[711] Yeah, when I first started out, I would get offended.

[712] like pack material, like get angry.

[713] Yeah, I'm like, yeah, yeah, oh, whatever.

[714] Yeah, I think it's just, you realize, like, what's a waste of energy?

[715] Like, it's good to use that on yourself, like, to look at your own material and go, ah, why the fuck am I doing this?

[716] I'll fix this.

[717] That's going to benefit you, but doing it to other people, it's just a waste.

[718] Such a waste, but yeah, I spent some of my early 20s doing that.

[719] Like, oh, yeah, like I was telling you before we started, when you're talking about Australia, Franklin Ajai was, because I used to.

[720] He said he lived there for a while?

[721] He lived there and I asked him, I go, why did you move to Australia?

[722] He said, no guns, no gangs, no God.

[723] That's what he said.

[724] Oh, wow.

[725] But he said the money wasn't on part of what he could be making back in the States.

[726] So that's why he came back.

[727] How long did he live there for?

[728] Several years, but I don't know.

[729] What year was this?

[730] That he was there?

[731] Yeah.

[732] I don't know.

[733] I remember I saw him back in the 2000.

[734] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[735] Then he just went over there.

[736] And, but I remember the first comedy album I heard of his.

[737] is a picture of him like I can't think of what the name of it is but I'm listening to it because I used to I was in like Oklahoma I can't remember the other comic I was with and I at that time I used to go to flea markets to buy albums and we listened to it at his spot and we smoked some weed and we were listening to it and I was like he's high like you can tell he's high on this album I was like I didn't know you could do that like that's crazy be it's so High.

[738] Not that one.

[739] Not that one.

[740] I'm a comedian, seriously.

[741] This dude, but he was the first comedian.

[742] The one up there with the shirt off.

[743] That's the album we listen to.

[744] Yeah.

[745] That album right there.

[746] Yeah.

[747] What is this?

[748] What is this?

[749] It's funny, man. Don't smoke dope fry your hair.

[750] What a strange name for an album.

[751] Yeah, but you could tell he was high.

[752] He was a funny dude, man. Funny dude.

[753] I remember that bit he did about the Olympics.

[754] He was on like one of those.

[755] Those, it was a young comedian special, I think.

[756] Is that what it was?

[757] And he did that, he goes, watch the Olympics, watch the dude, comes in last.

[758] I don't know.

[759] I trained for this.

[760] I was playing for four years.

[761] And he goes, and then reality starts to say that, man, I don't even have a fucking job.

[762] I could have not trained.

[763] It still came in last.

[764] It's fantastic.

[765] He's fantastic.

[766] He was the first black comedian I heard who didn't grow up.

[767] His stick wasn't.

[768] I grew up poor.

[769] Right.

[770] He was like middle class.

[771] He went to law school and he just talked about it.

[772] I go, oh, you could talk about that?

[773] Because a lot of, when I first started, a lot of comedians taking the stage, they all felt like they had to fit into this.

[774] It was a thing that just happened.

[775] But then when we talked to him offstage, it's like, you're way more interesting off state.

[776] Why don't you talk about that?

[777] Right.

[778] Can you talk about that?

[779] Do you think it was because they felt like they had to fit the mold of the popular comedians?

[780] I think so.

[781] People wanted a certain kind of comedian and they felt like, oh, I got to talk about the shit that people want to hear.

[782] That's how you make it I think so And then if you stay in it long enough You start to just go Because for a time I had an act for a black room And then act for a white room And it just got exhausting I used to be physical And I was like Ah my knees man I don't even staying here And talk to these people Like you just kind of become What you know Already were That's why those people That work those alt rooms Get in real trouble When they come to a real comedy club You see that?

[783] Yeah man It's fantastic I've seen some people in alt rooms go to the store and follow Joey Diaz and it is horrendous.

[784] Yeah.

[785] It's horrendous.

[786] Yeah.

[787] Because they're just used to like witty references and like you know, clever subject matter.

[788] It's yes and comedy.

[789] Well, people are so supportive.

[790] Very supportive, which is nice.

[791] It's nice to have that.

[792] But they're also like timid audiences too, right?

[793] Like if Joey Diaz went there, they'd be like, what the fuck?

[794] Yeah, why are you bringing the outside world We like our little bubble But they had an alt scene, man I like the fact that they were like I can't get any heat over here So I'm gonna go create this over here Yeah But once it started like taking off I didn't like that they were It became a It was us against them Yeah I was like yo we all trying Yeah there was a lot of shitting on people That try too hard Yeah, I was like what?

[795] He's acting out things and moving around Oh you mean he's been entertaining He's selling a joke right It's been funny Like, you don't want that.

[796] I get it.

[797] That's kind of what people like.

[798] Yeah.

[799] Yeah, people get weird about, like, what they're doing.

[800] Like, you should only do what I'm doing.

[801] That's a, it's more, like, we're talking, it's a waste of energy.

[802] It's a waste of energy.

[803] I don't, why, why, why do you care?

[804] Did you were talking about Tony Woods?

[805] Tony Woods, I met Tony way back in New York in, like, 92 or some shit like that.

[806] He was fucking funny, man. I still is.

[807] I'm sure he is.

[808] But there's a few dudes like him, and even Franklin Agile.

[809] Like, most people don't know who Franklin and Jai.

[810] It was like, how does that...

[811] Car wash. Yeah, but how'd that guy not, like, who takes off and who doesn't?

[812] How does that work?

[813] I'm trying to figure that out, brother.

[814] Yeah.

[815] I don't know.

[816] I don't know his whole story, man. I know for a lot of comedians who are mad, funny, usually marriage or divorce is where they...

[817] Get some.

[818] Get some.

[819] They, like, divorce usually.

[820] Get some.

[821] Takes the happy way.

[822] Yeah.

[823] You pay someone who's fucking someone.

[824] other dude.

[825] You got to keep sending checks every month.

[826] And you get to see your ex -wife and you pick up your kid and your kids like Mom says you're a loser.

[827] What?

[828] Yeah.

[829] Yeah.

[830] What?

[831] The fuck?

[832] Mom says you ruined everything.

[833] Mom says you can't pay your bills.

[834] What?

[835] Mom says you need to get a regular job and stop chasing your dream.

[836] What?

[837] Yeah.

[838] All that shit right there.

[839] Divorce will fuck you up.

[840] I think if you marry the right person, it can make you better.

[841] Yeah.

[842] That's what's happening with me. my wife I like my wife so yeah that's a nice thing it's important yeah yeah I like mine too yeah I think that helps yeah you did it definitely can make you like more stable yeah more comfortable and you learn more about yourself when you're like totally intimate with a person yeah man you know someone really knows you yeah I want to thank you for the the compliment you gave me somebody I had my wife listen to her first because someone said I did you mention me and I'm always I don't know what Joe said.

[843] And so my wife said, baby, listen to us.

[844] So he listened to it.

[845] And I was like, oh, that's dope.

[846] And I said, oh, he said top 20, baby.

[847] And my wife goes, you knew that already.

[848] I was like, I did know.

[849] You are, though, man. I can't say it.

[850] I can't say it.

[851] I said, I think you're one of top 20 guys in the world.

[852] Thank you, man. That makes me feel good.

[853] That makes it.

[854] It's so funny, man. So many.

[855] I'm doing, I'm going to be doing, like, some some things that I've always wanted to do years ago but I didn't know to ask for it right that was the thing I always thought that people would see your work right hey well what happened with you I think is you started working as a writer yeah that's when they get you they give you a job and then you think like this is what I do now but that job there's there's a there's no free ride like to get that money for that job is nice and it gives you stability but it takes away from the potential earning of your stand -up and then the dude that you started out with they're bawling out of control they're selling out places and people don't know who you are and that to me is crazy when i see you on stage i'm like this guy is a world -class headline like everybody should know owen smith yeah you know and so it just drives me nuts i'm working on it man i know we're working on it and i'm trying with ian edwards too same exact story as you same exact story yeah i remember when he had long dreads.

[856] Yes, I remember the dreads.

[857] I love his.

[858] What I was just describing, his is documenting on camera.

[859] Like, Ian used to yell at the audience.

[860] Like, you know, what was his bit on depth jam?

[861] He used to be mad at AT &T, son.

[862] Like, that's how they get you.

[863] Like, he used to be, like, yelling, they get you, and then I'm not falling for it.

[864] Like, he was like, oh, and then when he cut his dreads, he was, like, more centered, more zen, just standing there talking.

[865] And I was like...

[866] Well, then he became vegan, and now he falls asleep constantly, so he has no energy.

[867] No energy.

[868] When I get on the plane with him, I just take pictures of him.

[869] I have, like, ten pictures on my phone of eating out cold.

[870] Passed out.

[871] He gets on the plane.

[872] As soon as he sits down, he's like, like, instantly.

[873] And I'm like, I got this motherfucker.

[874] I can, like, write in his face and take pictures of him.

[875] That's hilarious.

[876] And then I send him to him with a bunch of z's on it.

[877] That's funny.

[878] But I do that, too, though, man. But I trained myself to go to sleep on a plane.

[879] Yeah?

[880] Yeah.

[881] It's just kind of a thing.

[882] Like, when I'm on a plane, I just.

[883] just, I just make myself go to sleep.

[884] I don't know where I got it from.

[885] It's a good move.

[886] Yeah, definitely make flying easier.

[887] If you can get really comfortable with just falling on, you know, like, especially those six hour across the country flights, just conk out.

[888] I'm out.

[889] I'm out.

[890] Wake up, you feel refreshed.

[891] Yeah, I'm about to take the first.

[892] My son now that he can walk now, so I'm, I won't be able to sleep.

[893] I know he's going to be that kid.

[894] Oh, yeah.

[895] For sure.

[896] Yeah, run up and down the aisles.

[897] Getting mad if you try to hold on to him.

[898] I kind of look forward to it, though.

[899] But I'm like, ah, yeah.

[900] It's sad when they get ear aches and they start crying and then you can't do anything about them.

[901] Yeah.

[902] I mean, you can't help them.

[903] You can't, like, there's nothing you can tell them.

[904] Give them, like, sometimes things to chew helps.

[905] Okay, that's good to know.

[906] Okay.

[907] Sometimes, like, like, gummy bears or something that they have to chew.

[908] It'll help pop their ears open.

[909] I got my kid these vitamin gummy bears.

[910] They're gummy bears, but they're made out of essential fatty acids.

[911] They have vitamins in them.

[912] They can chew it.

[913] Yeah, they can chew it.

[914] My son don't chew it.

[915] right now he's everything oh like you got chew it man come on one of the time 14 months old man they don't know anything yet it's fascinating isn't it it's the best yeah i'm you know you learn a lot about yourself man tell you that you learn that you're enough yeah it's the biggest lesson it's like i'm enough i walk in the door he's hey you know yeah i don't have to put on a show for him like my like my wife says when he hears my voice he lights up like if i call him you know that's awesome and so yeah I just like talking to him.

[916] When I first had him, I didn't know what to say to him, so I would just do old, like, hip -hop lyrics.

[917] I don't know what to say to this kid.

[918] I'm just rapping stuff.

[919] Who the hell is this?

[920] Page me at 546 in the morning, crack a do morning, no, I'm yawning.

[921] And then he would be like, what?

[922] I don't know what to say to him, man. And then I just thought that I would talk to him about my day sometimes.

[923] And it's cool, man. It's a very weird feeling.

[924] We see a little tiny human being that's depend upon you.

[925] Yeah.

[926] It changes your perception.

[927] of the world everything and it's also like all of us were that age so it's kind of it's weird when i look at adults i'm like man you were 14 months yeah well i talk about that all the time that i look at people as grown up babies now i used to look at people in a static state like i'd see an 80 year old dude that's an 80 year old dude that's how he is how he's always been no he was a baby yes and he became this guy yeah and he had dreams and he charged it and did it work and did that yeah i'm fascinated by people's stories like yeah the shattered dreams and people have failed expectations are some of the saddest people you're ever going to meet if they just for whatever reason it didn't work they didn't figure it out yeah whatever mental block whatever the problem was they just never figured it out yeah and that's when those charlatans sneak in that pretend to be able to sell them all you got to do is what you got to do is push harder you got a dream big and you got to set your goals with an easy workshop so we're going to have down at 1300 dollars yeah we're going to have a workshop and talk about it I'm going to get out there and I'm going to clap we're all going to join along clap together come we're going to walk on coals hot coals barefoot yes that's how they get you man yeah the motivational speaking marketplace is a saturated cesspool of most people in it having accomplished jack shit yeah most of them most of them their accomplishment is that they're motivational speakers yeah i know a comedian who's a terrible comedian i know who you're thinking of And you're doing it now.

[928] Yes, I know.

[929] And you're like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[930] Yes.

[931] I know that dude.

[932] Cut the shit, motherfucker.

[933] And when you meet him, when you see him out, he's always flinchy a little bit.

[934] You know, he's flinchy like a dude with a side family.

[935] A dude, side family.

[936] Why that dude so flinchy?

[937] Oh, we had a side family.

[938] Okay, I get it.

[939] Oh, man, that's a lot of pressure.

[940] That's a lot of pressure.

[941] Yeah, I know that cat.

[942] Good luck, man. Hope it works out.

[943] Yeah, there's a lot of those guys out there listen to this.

[944] I would like to say, I might have be responsible a little bit.

[945] And this is very, this is, I'm literally, this may not be true.

[946] But we did a show together a long time ago.

[947] And it was a college gig.

[948] And the college gigs, they make you both do an hour.

[949] Right.

[950] They don't know how to just go, hey, man, you do a half.

[951] Right.

[952] And so he was hotter as far as credits because he had, you know, Comedy Central, love this guy.

[953] and they were like um so he they were like oh when you go first and I could see in his eyes and I was like it was like one of those quiet things where I go you know how you go I'm gonna do I'm gonna destroy this yeah because sometimes if it's somebody you like you'll do all right and then they come I was like let me go ahead and just show this dude like what this could really be you know when I'm telling you it was clah clah clah look dude look 58 minute, 59.

[954] Thank you, good night.

[955] Just left, you know.

[956] Game a great intro or whatever.

[957] Like, I saw him re -evaluate, and I think, I feel like at that moment, he was like, yeah.

[958] There's got to be another method.

[959] Yeah, he probably had, like, another two -year run, like, you know, but that.

[960] I was at a vegan restaurant that I eat out occasionally, and this dude was in there with all of these people that he works with.

[961] They meet together in this restaurant.

[962] Yeah, I saw him at a raw food spot.

[963] before yeah he came up to me when i was with my daughter once and he's like i'd just love to talk to you about a transformative experience that i've had really would love to get on your podcast i'm like yeah it's so funny man just get a transformative experience okay i believe you yeah man hey man you know good luck people people people doing things but there's a real problem with people that are just motivators yeah that's all they're doing yeah all you're doing is motivating and there's a lot of them man There's a lot of them.

[964] I'm always getting these fucking memes from people.

[965] I'm like, who's this guy?

[966] Then I'll go to his page.

[967] It's all filled with memes.

[968] And then, you know, like, you look at it.

[969] They're like, he's a motivational speaker.

[970] Oh, you're a motivational speaker.

[971] What have you done?

[972] It's weird to be a motivational speaker who's never done a thing.

[973] Done a thing, yeah.

[974] Like, you have to start a company or become a something.

[975] Or life coaches.

[976] Same kind of thing.

[977] Oh, yeah.

[978] It's really weird.

[979] But the weird thing is some of them, like, Like, there are trainers that have never had professional fights, and they're great trainers.

[980] Ah, okay.

[981] But they have studied the game, like, so deeply.

[982] They understand all the various aspects of the game.

[983] Right.

[984] And then they become just really good at it.

[985] They become really good at coaching, because they're, like, real legitimate analysts.

[986] Is that possible to do with life?

[987] Can you be a person who has never really accomplished much in terms nothing creatively, nothing, nothing, like, you're not some world champion dude.

[988] You're not some guy who's gone out there and accomplished great things.

[989] You're not like Sebastian Younger Award journalist.

[990] You're just some guy who's like, what you've got to do is realize that you face fear in the eyes.

[991] You tell fear.

[992] I think that's what they go wrong.

[993] Your true nature of your soul.

[994] Yeah.

[995] It's the approach, man. It's like they have, you can't tell people what they have to do.

[996] Yeah.

[997] But I feel like you, like, so I feel like you're a bigger motivator than a motivational speaker because you motivate by example.

[998] but you just motivate by doing you you see what I'm saying like that's more motivational than telling people I'm gonna tell you how I do what I do it's like I don't want to I just oh Joe did that oh that's dope then you know what I mean so you go okay Joe comes from comedy oh shit okay all right if he did all right I mean what am I not doing you know what I mean like to me that's more motivational than that's how I feel coming to my front door yeah and uh you know what I mean but you know Well, people are always looking for some sort of a, of course, a shortcut, you know, like someone is going to, and sometimes people can give you, like, I have, like, C .T. Fletcher, who I had yesterday on the podcast, but he's a six -time world champion powerlifter.

[999] And, you know, when he talks about hard work and dedication and, you know, like, fuck your excuses, like, you're like, okay, fuck my excuses.

[1000] Like, it makes sense, you know, like, you believe them.

[1001] But I think there's a lot of people out there that want to be that guy, but they don't want to do that kind of work.

[1002] They don't want to accomplish some.

[1003] great task before they go out and do all this motivational stuff right right they want to you know first of all they want that hippie pussy that's what they want what if that's what if that's the secret that's what they want that's what a lot of it is you want those girls who are trying to improve themselves well i'm just trying to be more spiritual me too vulnerable pussy yeah vulnerable it's not just vulnerable it's seeking seeking like yoga girls dude yoga girls there are so many freaks in in the yoga community.

[1004] Never.

[1005] You know what's so funny?

[1006] I'm so, I'm so, above board.

[1007] Like, I've gone, I go to yoga and I do my thing, and then I'll look, but I'm like, I don't even know how to make this my spot.

[1008] You know what I mean?

[1009] Like, some guys, yeah, let's go to yoga.

[1010] Like, they know, because I heard one of my yoga teachers hit on a student, and the line was so lame.

[1011] He said, um, I feel like I've practiced, what did he say?

[1012] What are you always trying to reach in yoga?

[1013] Whatever that shit is.

[1014] I feel like I feel like I've practiced something, something, something with you before.

[1015] And she goes, yeah, it does feel like that.

[1016] It was the standard line like, it was so terrible.

[1017] They started talking.

[1018] He had his hair and shit.

[1019] And I was like, there it is.

[1020] I could never, that's not my thing, man. But yeah, yoga is.

[1021] Yeah, when people talk about the practice.

[1022] Yeah.

[1023] And they say, that was an amazing practice.

[1024] I can't talk to you.

[1025] Yes, yes.

[1026] I feel like I've practiced.

[1027] I forgot what he said.

[1028] I just wanted to, but I'm not a cockblok.

[1029] I feel like I've practiced Shavasana.

[1030] It was something like that.

[1031] On a mat before.

[1032] The Astana's.

[1033] Asanas.

[1034] How do you say that?

[1035] Oh, yeah, what is it?

[1036] What's the word?

[1037] I just take the class.

[1038] I don't know.

[1039] Yeah, man. You know, we did this thing.

[1040] How often do you go?

[1041] Once a once a week thing?

[1042] Or when do you do it?

[1043] I try to keep it no more than well no less than once a week but I've I fucked up since I did Sober October we had 15 classes that we had to do in a month did you I tell you about this me Tom Sigura Burke Kreischer and R. Shafir we made an agreement no pot no booze 15 hot yoga classes 90 minute hot yoga classes in a month it was rough but it broke me it broke me in terms of my enthusiasm for yoga I'm like enough because what really broke me was not just a 15 classes.

[1044] I could have done that, but I did nine in a row to end it.

[1045] Why?

[1046] That's too much.

[1047] I had some days after that, too, that I could have.

[1048] But I was like, no, I'm going to burn this shit out.

[1049] I'm just going to bang it out nine in a row.

[1050] I was going Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

[1051] But when it was over, it felt good.

[1052] Yeah, it feel good, right?

[1053] I did it.

[1054] When Russell Simmons gave me a month free at his tantric yoga spot.

[1055] Oh, wait, he does tantric yoga?

[1056] Tantrists.

[1057] Tantrists.

[1058] What's that?

[1059] What's the difference?

[1060] I think tantric is where you hold your comeback, right?

[1061] Squeeze your dick hole.

[1062] You're like, you get out.

[1063] Not you'll last longer.

[1064] There's dudes that do that all day.

[1065] They just, I, at their job, they squeeze their dick muscle.

[1066] That's like the weakest muscle I have in my body.

[1067] You know, if you think about, if you just, the squeeze, the hold the comeback muscle.

[1068] Like, use that right now.

[1069] Just try to plunge that down right now.

[1070] Right now.

[1071] Ready, go.

[1072] That feels so.

[1073] spongy and weak like if I have to squeeze my arms like my choke muscles like yeah you could do that I feel like I could choke the fuck out of somebody right now yeah but like choke my own dick with my inner with my inner dick muscles like this is nothing it's like I'm so tired so weak Jesus don't move don't move those muscles have zero conditioning I remember somebody told me You know how you do that shit?

[1074] Like, I don't know if you ever did this, but somebody told me if you press on that area, like really hard for a couple of seconds, like it won't do it.

[1075] Right, that you won't come.

[1076] And I tried that shit before.

[1077] It didn't work.

[1078] Garden hose.

[1079] You got a band to garden hose.

[1080] You came out.

[1081] You're basically choking out your dick.

[1082] You're choking it out.

[1083] You got to just, like, get a gable grip.

[1084] And go down there and just smash the base of your dick.

[1085] I just come and apologize.

[1086] I just like, hey, I got what I wanted.

[1087] I'm sorry.

[1088] Give me 20 minutes.

[1089] Well, we were reading about male Kegels once.

[1090] Oh, like, male Kegels, and I'm like, listen, I don't hear what anybody says.

[1091] This is to tighten up your butthole for butt sex, but they're not talking about that.

[1092] They're, like, sort of dancing around that, like, all the benefits of male Kegals.

[1093] Like, you can control your bowels better.

[1094] Well, control your bowels better.

[1095] Right.

[1096] What do you mean better?

[1097] Like, who's that, I don't know.

[1098] I mean, it's one thing you've got diarrhea, but regular control of the bowels is pretty much 100%.

[1099] It's out.

[1100] It's coming out.

[1101] I know what I'm doing.

[1102] It's fantastic.

[1103] Oh, man. Oh, you know, it's crazy.

[1104] So, this is nasty, but.

[1105] So I'm my only child, right?

[1106] So growing up, like, shit, what happened to me?

[1107] And I would just be like, well, what the fuck is that?

[1108] So when I take, like, really good shits, like, I cry, like, out of one eye for some reason.

[1109] I'm like, why is this happening?

[1110] So, but this is when it worked in my advantage.

[1111] My son, something, he was doing something, and me and my wife couldn't figure it out.

[1112] And then one tear was, I go, I go, oh, he's taking a shit.

[1113] shit.

[1114] He gets that from me. Wow.

[1115] And it was accurate.

[1116] He had to shit and something was going on.

[1117] And so then we helped him and adjusting him.

[1118] And my wife, if she watched it, she'll find out about, she does not know that about me just now.

[1119] Now she knows.

[1120] But that's how I was able to crack that mystery.

[1121] Because everything is a mystery.

[1122] And I go, what's he doing?

[1123] He was just sitting there, but he had this look on his face.

[1124] And then like one, see, it came out.

[1125] I go, holy shit.

[1126] I just passed that on to my seat.

[1127] Oh, that's so.

[1128] crazy.

[1129] What a random thing.

[1130] It's not a random thing, man. Like, it's so crazy.

[1131] Yeah, I don't know.

[1132] I don't know, man. That's so strange.

[1133] Yeah, it's so crazy, man. It's weird how the body works.

[1134] Like, sometimes I'll just be driving down the street and a tear roll down my cheek.

[1135] I'm like, I'm not even sad.

[1136] Yeah.

[1137] I'm not happy.

[1138] I'm not sad.

[1139] Why am I crying?

[1140] It just come down.

[1141] Sometimes it's just leaking.

[1142] Right.

[1143] It's amazing.

[1144] Man, you know what else my body does?

[1145] If I'm in a room and I'm supposed to be awake, you have to get, like, sleepy sometimes.

[1146] Yeah.

[1147] If I get sleepy, my dick will get hard.

[1148] It's like my dick is to a lookout.

[1149] Like, my dick is like, I got it for him.

[1150] He's not paying the net.

[1151] You're taking that.

[1152] So sometimes I'll be in writers' rooms and I get sleepy.

[1153] And my dick is starting to get on.

[1154] I go, oh, fuck.

[1155] So then I'll try to go to the bathroom to throw it on my face.

[1156] But now I'm slightly like a wreck getting up.

[1157] So I'm making sure nobody's looking at me. Right.

[1158] Like some freak?

[1159] Yeah, yeah.

[1160] So I'm like always near.

[1161] I always pull my shit down.

[1162] but isn't that funny everybody knows you get an erection everybody knows you get erection yeah right but if they you get an erection near them like what the fuck is going on over here like whoops i know i had a boner sorry sorry it's human nature yeah but you can't especially in a mixed company yeah yeah especially today now you can't do that today man just think about all the sexual harassment that people just sort of like that was their the way they behaved yeah in the office.

[1163] That was their thing.

[1164] And now you can't do that anymore.

[1165] It was why they went to the office.

[1166] They couldn't wait to get to work to chase whomever was there.

[1167] Pinch the secretary on a button.

[1168] I mean, it's, you know, my mom had a thing like that when I was a kid.

[1169] I didn't understand it, but somebody was, you know, she needed the job.

[1170] So what I will say to, you know, women watching, what my mom did is she just kept elaborate notes.

[1171] so that because she knew it was going to be his word against hers and you know predators don't keep notes man they don't keep notes so my mom was like October 8th da da da da october da da da she was protected and so wow just don't try to go off memory like that you know even if you keep notes man it's still you against them yeah it still is but back then it was like whoa but still once you because that's how who I think who had somebody else had no the Weinstein thing somebody kept like notes and that's why I mean because when you have a lot of money you can definitely litigate it like I'm sue and da -da -da -da -da but when somebody you know and I think all his legal team looked at it they were like you better go to Europe for some deep counseling because however they you know Europe counseling is a different level I have to leave this continent right right right get my head on straight I'm gonna stay over here yeah yeah to be able to do that is crazy well like if you look at like the Kevin Spacey thing like that that's how he would run a set apparently he'd be on the set and he'd just be grabbing dicks on are you serious yeah that's what they're all saying i mean i don't know if that's the truth but all the people in the house a card set this is what all the complaints are coming out was that he would like grab guys dicks that were taken in places and he'd have like a PA that had to take him somewhere he reaching his pants and grab his dick he was just a dick grabber he grabbed um whose dick was it that he grabbed like some famous dude Richard Dreyfus he grabbed his son's dick with him in the room he was just a crazy dick grabber it's a maniac That's crazy drunk dick grabbing Off the reservation And I think This is their social environment As well as their working environment They're constantly around all these people And they're in this king role Yeah Like if you're a star of a show That you're the executive producer of and it's a giant hit for Netflix, and you're the king.

[1172] I'm Frank Underwood, the king of House of Cards.

[1173] And all the people rely on you for their jobs.

[1174] This is one of the things they're saying about House of Cards is that 2 ,000 people could be out of a job.

[1175] Exactly.

[1176] Which is crazy.

[1177] Yeah.

[1178] So this guy was like at the epicenter.

[1179] Like he was the king of 2 ,000 people.

[1180] So he would show up at work and he was like, where's my eagle?

[1181] Yeah, it's eagle.

[1182] You'll grab your dick.

[1183] I'm the king.

[1184] You know, and I think that is like natural male predatory behavior.

[1185] I think when a man gets into a position where he's the king and all these people, Sire, maybe we get you something Sire.

[1186] Like if you're on a set and you're like the big star and all these people are stumbling around Sire, maybe maybe we get you something Sire.

[1187] Like you start thinking like a king.

[1188] Like if you're Harvey Weinstein, like think about all the people that covered up for him.

[1189] He had it written in his contract.

[1190] That was crazy.

[1191] I mean, but also just think of that work ethic, man. You know what I mean?

[1192] Like, just to work that hard.

[1193] And then the part that trips me out is when people would show up to the victims, they'd go, tell me everything, tell me, we're going to take them down.

[1194] And those people were investigators for him.

[1195] Then they go, I work for Weinstein, bitch.

[1196] Like, you better not.

[1197] You know how fucked up that has to have you walking around in the world?

[1198] But they're predators, man, and they look for, like, you know, it's this weird shit.

[1199] But it's like if you, you know.

[1200] They had like a parent or somebody going, baby, do you think it's safe to, you know, meet with him at three in the morning?

[1201] And they were like, mama, it's cool.

[1202] It's going to be fine.

[1203] Trust me. Why don't you trust me?

[1204] You know, and then when something happens, they feel like they can't say anything because they don't want the, I told you so.

[1205] Or they don't want to, whatever it is.

[1206] And then that moment can turn into two weeks.

[1207] And I'm saying a year six months.

[1208] Then you're living, you know what I mean?

[1209] And so that's how it can happen where you're just so embarrassed.

[1210] You know what I mean?

[1211] Or you don't want to embarrass or hurt other people.

[1212] Sometimes people don't say anything because they don't want to make their parents feel a type of way, you know?

[1213] Yeah, there's a lot of women that have been rape victims that the stigma of being a rape victim, excuse me, publicly is so hard.

[1214] It's so terrifying, you know, that they don't even, they're like, I'll just let it slide.

[1215] And it's like, man. It's horrible.

[1216] Yeah.

[1217] I mean, so I'm personally.

[1218] I'm happy that people are finally speaking, you know, coming out because it's a lot of jobs opening up.

[1219] No, but I'm really happy that people are finding that courage to just, you know, speak that truth.

[1220] And we'll see what happens on the other side of it.

[1221] Will we be a healthier society?

[1222] Well, I've been saying this for a while that I think that eventually we're going to get to a point we could read each other's minds.

[1223] I really think that that's on the horizon.

[1224] I think it's just a matter of time before no one can ever do anything like that ever again.

[1225] And I think that's what you're seeing now with like this Harvey Weinstein shit and the Kevin Spacey shit and all this other stuff.

[1226] I mean, you see varying degrees of it.

[1227] Some of them seem pretty innocuous.

[1228] Like Al Franken just likes to grab butts when he takes pictures.

[1229] Like, uh, not the best practice, but not the worst thing in the world.

[1230] But I think we're going to get to a point where all of this is look back on, like, wearing powdered wigs or slavery or any crazy old shit that we just don't tolerate anymore.

[1231] Just nutty behavior that you just can't do anymore.

[1232] I think we're going to get to a point.

[1233] point where you're going to be able to talk to someone and you're going to be able to see what's going on in their head.

[1234] And you would have to be a real piece of shit to victimize them because you're going to get to see what their exact feeling.

[1235] Oh, you just need this job.

[1236] You're not really attracted to me. You don't like me at all.

[1237] You just need this job.

[1238] But you might let me jerk off on you.

[1239] If you can keep this job.

[1240] Because this is gross.

[1241] I got to stop.

[1242] You know what's interesting too.

[1243] I think this is a direct reaction to us not communicating with one another.

[1244] You know what I mean?

[1245] Today, like today, like everything.

[1246] is text.

[1247] Like, my boys are a single, they, you know, they're getting girls through text.

[1248] Like, have you talked to her yet?

[1249] Right.

[1250] But she's sending me, like, all this the thumbs.

[1251] So you're not really, yeah, and everything can be taken out of context, what have you.

[1252] Sure.

[1253] But yeah, it is getting to the place where you're going to have to be really clear with your intentions.

[1254] Like a married dude.

[1255] You're going to be able to see it.

[1256] You're going to be able to see intentions on people.

[1257] Oh, wow.

[1258] You know, another thing I think that is ridiculous, and I'm not pro prostitution, but I think it should be legal.

[1259] And I think if it was legal, you would have way a way less of this going on.

[1260] Oh, yeah.

[1261] Way less.

[1262] Because that's what it is, right?

[1263] It's just that release and people need to...

[1264] Well, it's craziness.

[1265] It's forbidden shit.

[1266] There's a lot of factors going on.

[1267] But I think one of the things that would change is that people that want, like, ugly dudes like Harvey Weinstein, just want sex.

[1268] Yeah, they can just go get it.

[1269] But I think for him it's like a power thing too.

[1270] Definitely.

[1271] I mean, he was banging all those really hot, like, famous chicks.

[1272] Yeah, this drug dealer told me a long time ago was two things.

[1273] He was talking about men.

[1274] It says two things men understand.

[1275] ass whooping or secret and if you can't whip their ass you better get a secret so and that's you know I feel like Harvey doing that shit to a lot of people because they became huge stars right there's no reason for them to ever have to respect him again you know what I mean but he was like yeah but you know what this is you know take whatever whatever his well that's what apparently he would negotiate it into deals yeah he would say if you fuck me you'll get more lines you get parts you get this you get that and so it's like I mean but that is like my man he was like so what when do you know your worth right and when you know well if you you you know I'm good I don't need this here yeah over here or I've already the work I've already done like my my last work paid for all this shit right where you're getting your money you getting your money from something I did you know what I mean like instead of thinking about it like oh you can give me more money it's like you sitting on this you got this sweet from my performance you know what I mean right this dude wrote it you didn't do shit yeah you literally came up with the money wrote it this guy shot it yeah yeah you mean that's what's interesting he's like he's not the creative guy at all no no it's just the money guy that fucks the women yeah it's weird it's weird man and it's weird how long you got away with it for for decade after decade after decade it's crazy man it's almost like deflating like every person that you look at you know and like oh man that person you know what shocked me the most about mount lauer that motherfucker was making 20 million dollars 25 25 i heard it was 25 i heard it was 25 i heard 28 20 yes 28 and they had to pay him they had to pay him out they had to pay him out they had to pay him out they said i was just reading they don't know if it's going to be uh finished through his 2018 contract but he also was getting flown uh helicopter rides to his like hampton's house daily so he could spend more time with his family or something in between damn that lot of things that dude wonder what happened all those cats get paid out though how much did charlie rose get when he had to step out did he get paid out but he was on PBS probably wasn't getting paid O 'Reilly got a lot of extra money right O 'Reilly got a lot of money well O 'Reilly paid $35 million in a sexual harassment settlement like what the fuck could you have possibly done just think about in fact that like okay okay if I give you 35 million you shut the fuck up like 35 million is a jailow house oh no joe this is fucked up but that victim should be a motivational speaker that victim should motivate to talk to other victims of how to get paid first thing I did was I limped around him I pretended I couldn't walk good and I was getting nervous I'd have to sit down 35 million I appeared vulnerable it worked out yeah oh that's I mean I wonder what he did I mean I It was just one.

[1276] I mean, another one I think he paid 12.

[1277] There was like several different ones that he had to pay off.

[1278] Like, this guy was on a rampage for years and years.

[1279] Yeah, he's a trick, man. He's on the streets.

[1280] He's a trick that pays well.

[1281] He's a house money.

[1282] 35 million?

[1283] 35.

[1284] Come on, man. And everybody already knows you're a freak.

[1285] So it's like you wasted 35 million.

[1286] Like everybody knows you're a freak.

[1287] Yeah.

[1288] And so who do we, where do you start?

[1289] Like, is it the platform?

[1290] Who gave him the platform?

[1291] I think it's a bunch of things But one of the things that I think it is is that that world is so sexually charged All the men are like these powerful wealthy men and all the women are hot as fuck and they all have short skirts on And they're all talking about like like American values and it's all conservative values It's all super suppressed and behind closed doors as button popping and fucking It's crazy He didn't snort and cucked off pussy lips.

[1292] Woo!

[1293] Yeah, America!

[1294] Big hypocrisy.

[1295] We're so puritanical too, though, man. They don't teach sex education to younger kids.

[1296] It's never cool to talk about this shit.

[1297] No. There's definitely that, but it's also the suppression.

[1298] The ones that are super religious, super suppressed, those are the ones that have this, they have a need for.

[1299] for an outlet.

[1300] Of course.

[1301] Yes.

[1302] And I feel like it's equal, right?

[1303] So the amount that you put out, you equally have.

[1304] You know what I mean?

[1305] Like that, who was that guy, the senator or congressman who the fuck it was?

[1306] It just got busted.

[1307] Like, having said, he was an anti -gay.

[1308] Oh, yeah.

[1309] And he turns out he got busted having sex with a dude in his office.

[1310] Yeah.

[1311] Like, yeah, well, there you go.

[1312] Inappropriate behavior, they called it.

[1313] Yeah.

[1314] And they had it was very convenient.

[1315] They had to give him the ex.

[1316] There he is.

[1317] This anti -LGBQ lawmaker resigns over a gay sex scandal.

[1318] Republican State, Ohio State Representative.

[1319] Wesley.

[1320] Oh, Wesley.

[1321] Wesley, good, man. He may have also previously assaulted an 18 -year -old.

[1322] Uh, may have.

[1323] Assaulted.

[1324] Is it like Kevin Spacey type assault?

[1325] Like dick grabbing?

[1326] I know.

[1327] The word assault is so strong, man. Your words are violent, Owen.

[1328] Your words are violence.

[1329] I didn't touch you.

[1330] No, no, no. Your words are violence.

[1331] That's what comedy's had it.

[1332] Yeah.

[1333] He's, you know, I feel uncomfortable.

[1334] I know.

[1335] There's certain taboos now that just breaching them on stage, you see people say, are you allowed?

[1336] Well, you know, yeah, I wish they did that, like, with comedy tickets.

[1337] Like, I understand when you buy a baseball ticket at the back is like an agreement that if you get hit with the ball, you ain't going to, like.

[1338] Is that what it is?

[1339] Yeah, like, you agree that if some debris hits you, hey, man, it's a part of the experience.

[1340] Right.

[1341] And they need to have comedy clubs Like if your feelings get hurt Like you've already agreed to experience You know A performance You know, it's going to affect you I don't know how it's going to land on you But Well, what I think is really important You got to ban people that interrupt Like especially like bad hecklers That interrupt Like there's hecklers Sometimes man Can like you're setting up Like for a special You're getting ready They can fuck up the flow of a bit For weeks always.

[1342] And it seems like they always come out when you're setting up for something.

[1343] Of course.

[1344] Right?

[1345] When you ain't setting up for nothing, you're just rocking.

[1346] Yeah.

[1347] Perfect.

[1348] I got to lay this down for here they come.

[1349] And the moral arbiters of what you're allowed to say and not say.

[1350] It's like you don't even understand where this is going.

[1351] Like you're not even allowing this bit to take its full.

[1352] At the end it'll be vindicated.

[1353] Just let it play out.

[1354] Let it play out.

[1355] Trust me. Yeah.

[1356] The end, I'm the piece of shit just trust me trust me everyone wins yeah but that's a weird thing about live performance that's what makes it so exciting yes you are there to catch debris occasionally yes you know yeah it will be a tire will fall off one of them NASCAR things and launch in the crowd right right yeah but it's it's a I don't know man you got to keep swinging that bat though you got to keep pushing it yeah well also the real terrifying thing for me is the throwing away the material and then redoing your whole act every two years oh yeah that's the the real terrifying thing.

[1357] It's really about, for me, it's about a year and a half, it seems like lately that's my schedule.

[1358] Okay.

[1359] And at a year and a half, it's like, oh, yeah.

[1360] Like right now, I'm super nervous because I'm like a couple months out.

[1361] And then once I film, I'm fucked.

[1362] I don't have anything like, I just figured out how to make these bits all work good.

[1363] I know.

[1364] And it's exciting, right?

[1365] It's like, I could ride this for five years?

[1366] No, but I think it's healthier, though.

[1367] Oh, it's way healthy.

[1368] But it is like, but what you're talking about, too, is something that I've gone through.

[1369] It's like the older you get, the less you, the less your faith isn't strong.

[1370] Like when you're younger, you know I'm gonna come up with more shit.

[1371] Something's gonna happen.

[1372] I think my faith is better now than it was before.

[1373] But I work harder at it now.

[1374] It's like, to me, it's directly proportional.

[1375] Like how much time I'm actually spent writing and working on new shit and trying out new shit?

[1376] Yeah.

[1377] Versus like whether or not I think I could do it again.

[1378] You know, like as long as you're paying attention, there's always subject.

[1379] I feel like subjects too are essentially like scaffolding.

[1380] Yes.

[1381] And once you have the scaffolding, then you got to fill it up with jokes and build on it.

[1382] That's the fun part too.

[1383] And then, yeah, I love the work, man. And it's so, like, I'm at a place where I love it even more now than when I first started.

[1384] You know what I mean?

[1385] Like, it was just a blind love for just how it made me feel.

[1386] But now I've really liked getting in there and trying to, like, take it places.

[1387] And it's so exciting to me, man. And it's like I'm so, I feel so present and awake, you know what I mean?

[1388] Yeah.

[1389] When I'm on stage and I just, I'm excited about it.

[1390] But it is true, though.

[1391] Like, if I wish that this was all I could focus on, you know what I mean?

[1392] Right.

[1393] This and my family.

[1394] That's all I want to do is stand up in family.

[1395] That's one of the reasons why it is so exciting.

[1396] It's just slightly out of your reach.

[1397] Yeah.

[1398] I mean, it's obviously within your reach talent -wise, but just like you still have this writing job.

[1399] You're still doing this.

[1400] Yeah.

[1401] Yeah.

[1402] It's there.

[1403] But the reason why I never intended to be a TV writer, I didn't even know that was a job.

[1404] You know what I mean?

[1405] Like I went one day on the set.

[1406] A friend of mine became, he was a comic and then became showrunner of everybody hates Chris.

[1407] And he called me out the blue and said, hey man, you want to come read lines with Chris?

[1408] I was right.

[1409] Yeah.

[1410] So I went on set.

[1411] And the job was to be his voice, because it was a voiceover show, everybody.

[1412] So I was his voice for the actors, for the pacing.

[1413] So I'd be off on the side.

[1414] My mother always said, like, I would just be reading it.

[1415] And then I was like, oh, this is cool.

[1416] I was like, this is like the best acting class because I'm seeing, because at the time I was also like acting classes and doing all of that stuff.

[1417] Oh, shit, I'm seeing what it's like on set how to act.

[1418] Because I will watch co -stars come in and just crumble because it's not a safe acting class.

[1419] Like when you're acting on set, there's a, there's a boom guy that don't give a fuck.

[1420] There's a guy rolling up cable.

[1421] This guy is a sad.

[1422] You know, you have to like to know how to find it in these raw environments.

[1423] So I used to watch that.

[1424] But because I'm a comedian first, when they would run lines, I would hear stuff that could be funny.

[1425] And I would just write it on my script.

[1426] But I wouldn't say anything.

[1427] I knew better than to try to say something.

[1428] And then one day, showrunner, his name's Ali.

[1429] He goes, hey, man, this scene is.

[1430] working you got anything I was like do I yeah uh you should say this it was just I just wanted to make it better and then uh he laughed and then he threw the line in and she laughed and then they did it and the whole crew laughed and then they recorded it and I was like oh that's cool and I didn't even think like oh that was great I was just like yeah that's what it should have been like right and then um Chris Rock came up and he was like fuck that you say this and change it and they laughed then I was like I got another one and that was the first time I I'd ever seen Chris like in person this day.

[1431] I go, I got another one.

[1432] I give it to him.

[1433] They throw it in.

[1434] They laugh louder.

[1435] Chris was like, you say this, gave him.

[1436] They laugh, but not as loud.

[1437] Didn't know I probably should have shut up.

[1438] I had another one because I was like, if Chris would like me, this would be great.

[1439] You know, that kind of shit.

[1440] Right, right, right.

[1441] So I was like this one.

[1442] They laugh.

[1443] They laugh loud.

[1444] Chris goes, I got nothing.

[1445] I'm like, yeah, you know.

[1446] And so then at the end, everyone's in line shaking Chris's hand.

[1447] When I shake his hand, he puts his, like does the elbow thing, he goes, what's up, nigger?

[1448] I'm like, Chris Rock called me, nigga.

[1449] He liked you.

[1450] I was so happy.

[1451] I was, hey!

[1452] And then I went on a dumb plane and did like a college gig or whatever and came back in.

[1453] And so then that grew into me doing what they call punch -up writing.

[1454] But I didn't know any, I didn't know any of it.

[1455] I just, I enjoyed helping them make the show funnier.

[1456] Right.

[1457] That's like my, like if I hear something, I go, oh, that's dope.

[1458] Go for, you know, that's kind of always been my.

[1459] nature and I had this old one time this older black dude was at this story he said stop helping other people get better keep that shit for yourself and I was like all right who said that I can't remember but he just it's like he came out the shadows and just said it to me because I what cast would get off stage I'd be like oh man you should do this then I would go do my work like I'm not doing that so but whatever you're doing I go I can hear it I go oh man maybe go here it I'd be dope some people will listen and some people have amazing careers and some people were like all right and then I started figuring Now, oh, they don't want me to say nothing.

[1460] I ain't going to say nothing.

[1461] And then I did eventually just stop saying stuff.

[1462] Like, just kind of just, it kind of folds away.

[1463] But I used to be, I was like, I used to just love hearing what people were trying to do and then go, hey, man. Sometimes someone on the outside can see it better than you can do.

[1464] Yeah, and I wasn't annoying.

[1465] Like, I wasn't like, but I was like, oh, man, that thing, maybe this.

[1466] And if they laughed, it was cool.

[1467] And I literally didn't think about it again.

[1468] Like, I wouldn't even remember, you know?

[1469] Right, right.

[1470] And then, so that evolved into me, like, they used to let me rewrite.

[1471] scenes on set, because that was just the way this particular show run of work.

[1472] His whole philosophy was funniest wins and, you know, if you got it, you got it.

[1473] And then so he would bring stuff in from the writer's room, which I was rarely in because I wasn't a writer at that time.

[1474] And then when they would put it on its feet, we could hear how certain people couldn't say, they would sound funny or saying a different word or maybe it should just take a different turn.

[1475] And we would kind of on the same, so he would let me rewrite.

[1476] And, and And that grew into, then I found out about writing and like, there's a writer's guild and, you know, all this stuff.

[1477] And I was like, yeah, I'll do it.

[1478] I like to see what it's about.

[1479] Why not?

[1480] But I didn't get a writer's job until years later.

[1481] But I had, I went through a bad breakup here, and I wanted to go to New York.

[1482] You know what I'm breakups?

[1483] You want to change zip codes?

[1484] So I tried to, I was so naive.

[1485] I go, I'm going to write on Conan.

[1486] So I started like sending, because this is when he was in New York.

[1487] I didn't hear anything.

[1488] I ended up having to be here for like another two years.

[1489] And then after I gave up that dream of wanting to just get a writing job in New York, so I could live in New York.

[1490] I ended up getting a writing job in Stanford, Connecticut.

[1491] And I took it.

[1492] It was my first writer's guild job.

[1493] But I moved to Harlem.

[1494] And so I would work on set all day and then race down to the cellar and perform at the cellar.

[1495] So I was living a life that I always wanted to do at 20, but I was afraid to move to New York.

[1496] at 20 because I didn't think I could afford it for some reason so I lived in Chicago and then I moved to L .A. For some reason I felt like I could do those towns but so I was living in Harlem and I was a comedian and I would write during the day I didn't even like think of it as a thing and then that grew into oh I'm pretty good at this I know what this should look like I don't know how to tell a story I know you know what I mean When did you start coming around the store?

[1497] I came around the store.

[1498] I came around the store.

[1499] store on everybody.

[1500] I came out the first time in the 90s.

[1501] Wow.

[1502] Spring break, 1994.

[1503] Me, Sonny, I can't think of her last name, but she's on The View now.

[1504] She's one of the ladies on the View.

[1505] Sonny.

[1506] We were all in a, we all went to Notre Dame.

[1507] She went to Notre Dame law school.

[1508] Me, my boy Floyd, he pretended to be my manager.

[1509] We were all in this.

[1510] We all did play raising in the sun.

[1511] And then for spring break, we all came out together.

[1512] And I went to all the comedy clubs, because I was doing comedy at Notre Dame, and he pretended to be my manager.

[1513] And I got up on, like, some black rooms.

[1514] I got to do stand -up there.

[1515] And we went to all the comedy clubs, and everybody was nice to us.

[1516] Like, I'm a comedian visiting from the Midwest.

[1517] Can I just check out the room?

[1518] Yeah, come on in.

[1519] Went into the laugh factory.

[1520] Oh, this is shiny as fuck.

[1521] Okay, this is cool.

[1522] Nice.

[1523] Went to the improv.

[1524] They let me in.

[1525] Okay, cool.

[1526] Come to the comedy store, a dude named Chewy is standing out front.

[1527] I remember Chewley?

[1528] And I go, hey man, and some people, he was so intimidating.

[1529] He made me lose the bass in my voice.

[1530] I was like, hey man, I want to just go in.

[1531] And he was like, do you know how many motherfuckers say they a comedian?

[1532] And like, he chewed me out.

[1533] And it scared me from the store.

[1534] And I was like, yo, like everybody else was showing such.

[1535] I was not expecting it, right?

[1536] And I was just like, who is this dude?

[1537] I don't want to get in there.

[1538] God damn.

[1539] So I stayed away from the store.

[1540] Chewley scared you off?

[1541] Scared me off.

[1542] be scared me off like so much so like he's the nicest guy once you get to know him yeah but so much so like almost i put like a vendetta in my head against this dude like oh that's hilarious push this dude in traffic but you know how strong you close you out of the street like I was really like angry and uh I just walked away and I was like fuck this guy fuck this place and then um I didn't move out until 2000 right and uh I was doing a lot of commercials in Chicago right and I was doing a lot of commercials 10 national commercials for blockbuster music or something that was me and this dude named J .T. Jagadowski, I think his name is.

[1543] He is one of the Sonics guys, those Sonics bid, those Sonics commercials.

[1544] Okay.

[1545] He's one of those guys and we did 10 of them.

[1546] I was getting paid twice because they were using my hands too.

[1547] It was like a video game spot.

[1548] So I was a hand model getting paid and then my face was imposed on one of my thumbs and his was on another thumb.

[1549] And so I thought I was going to make a lot of, and they were supposed to add during the Super Bowl, the 2000 Super Bowl.

[1550] And then I booked, and then I did radio to promote a show, and they offered me the guy, the program director, like my voice, and offered me a radio gig.

[1551] He was like, you know, you want to do the morning radio here?

[1552] And I did a test run for like a couple of weeks, and it did really well.

[1553] And I had nowhere I get a call from Don Buckwald.

[1554] Howard Stoneau.

[1555] I don't know if he still Howard Stern's age, I mean, he was like, Owen, Don Buckwold, we know.

[1556] let me negotiate your deal.

[1557] I was like, what?

[1558] I was like, all right.

[1559] So you figured you were going to be a big time morning DJ guy?

[1560] Morning DJ guy, and I did not want to be a local celebrity at all.

[1561] Like I had known.

[1562] That's a go to bed at 8 o 'clock gig, too.

[1563] I know and wake up at 4.

[1564] And so that's what I did.

[1565] I did that for two weeks and my body felt paralyzed, but my numbers were really good, apparently.

[1566] Because, yeah, I had to me with this dude named J -bo something.

[1567] He was like, oh, and your numbers were great.

[1568] Just don't say this word so much.

[1569] I was like, ugh, I was already like, ugh.

[1570] So then this guy calls me, and I go, all right, man, I said, I want 250 ,000.

[1571] And he was like, what?

[1572] And this is right when I think Clear Channel, somebody was buying up all the radio stations.

[1573] So base salary was maybe 60, something like that.

[1574] And I was like, so I just said, I was like, because I had these commercials coming.

[1575] So I go, I want 250 ,000.

[1576] He was like, all right, let me see what I could do.

[1577] So I was supposed to come out here for Y2K.

[1578] I was supposed to come out here before the ball drive.

[1579] you know, 1999.

[1580] Right.

[1581] But I had to stay an extra like six weeks, maybe four weeks while they negotiated.

[1582] So every, like every Friday, Don would call me. Owen, we got it up to 120.

[1583] Nope.

[1584] This is arrogant 26 -year -old -old me. I love it.

[1585] Owen, we got it up to 180.

[1586] Nope.

[1587] I've never met this man. That's amazing.

[1588] I wouldn't know him if he passed me in the street.

[1589] Wow.

[1590] Owen, we got it up to 220.

[1591] With your remote, you'll make your.

[1592] 250 where you just take the gig.

[1593] No one has ever gotten this before.

[1594] I was like, nope.

[1595] I hung up my dumb flip phone at the time.

[1596] Did you have a razor phone?

[1597] Yeah, some dumb flip, something stupid.

[1598] And then I hung it up.

[1599] And he was like, all right, I think, and maybe he was like, all right, you're good luck.

[1600] And I hung up like that.

[1601] And I wasn't like an asshole.

[1602] So you walked away from a $220 ,000 a year.

[1603] radio gig.

[1604] Plus remotes, you would have made a quarter million dollars a year in 1999.

[1605] In 1999.

[1606] Jesus, man. Walked away.

[1607] And it was already new year because I drove out here in my 1991 gray Honda Accord, drove through the southern route from Chicago and stopped at Grand Canyon, yelled in there, I'm going to be famous, famous, famous, I'm going to make it, all that shit.

[1608] And then drove out, pulled in, and the copywriters from, because it was a Viacom.

[1609] spot from the 10 national commercials that I did called me and said hey man we got some bad news there was in -house legal dispute and vicaram between your spots and these spots called thumb wars and so we're not there's aired already so we're not going to be airing your spots but um we saw the commercial money we already edited a few so we'll send them to you oh so I had like I just had the session fee so the commercial money I was banking on I had nothing be so I went from thinking I was going at least have, you know, Super Bowls, 10 national spots.

[1610] Right.

[1611] And during the Super Bowl, at that time when commercials actually paid.

[1612] Right.

[1613] I was counting, pre -counting money.

[1614] And I thought I was going to at least make a quarter of a million that year, at least.

[1615] And then, uh, nothing.

[1616] So then I ended up sleeping on my boy's air mattress, uh, Preacher Moss.

[1617] Shout out to preach.

[1618] Did you ever think about calling them back for the radio gig?

[1619] No. Wow.

[1620] No. Good for you?

[1621] I never, I never, yeah, it was like, I was like, I was like, I did.

[1622] want to be a local.

[1623] My reasoning was if you're offering me a radio gig at 26, I can get a radio gig at 56.

[1624] Like, it's a voice.

[1625] You know what I mean?

[1626] That was my thinking at the time, my 26 -year -old thinking.

[1627] And then so no, because I didn't want to go back.

[1628] I felt like I had done everything I could do in Chicago.

[1629] Right.

[1630] Because like, when shows were coming, I would get like a co -star on it, so I was like, I want to come see.

[1631] There was a few dudes that tried to make it out of like those local market, like remember Man Cow?

[1632] Yeah.

[1633] In the morning, yeah, man, cow in the morning.

[1634] He was a Chicago guy, wasn't he?

[1635] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1636] And then him and Howard Stern have the crazy beef, and Howard Stern went after him.

[1637] Yeah, Howard Stern, yeah.

[1638] Yeah, Howard Stern laughed him, yeah.

[1639] But he was like a guy who was like a Chicago guy that was sort of bleeding out into other markets, and then it all went away.

[1640] Yep, yep, yep.

[1641] So when I came out, I was sleeping on the air mattress, got some pussy on it.

[1642] Whoa, that's strong.

[1643] It was consensual.

[1644] When you get some sex on an air mattress, the girl likes you that much?

[1645] That was pretty good, yeah.

[1646] It's almost like food.

[1647] on sex.

[1648] Fantastic.

[1649] But yeah, it was, I told, I was, I was, I was, like, just like a poor man's waterbed, and you saw crazy, you know, you know, whatever.

[1650] But, uh, I was there for 18 months, man, and I would drive up and go to acting class and, acting class.

[1651] uh, well, you need some crazy fucking people in acting class, yeah.

[1652] Oh, my God.

[1653] Yeah, man. But it was, it was great, it was a great time, right?

[1654] To just really like, learn the art form at a different level and then just see who's out here.

[1655] But I didn't fuck with the store.

[1656] I was, I would drive past it.

[1657] And I was doing, the improv, you know, once every two months, and like, just like coffee houses and stuff.

[1658] And then it wasn't until I was on everybody hates Chris, and Chris Rock was doing that special where he performed in South Africa and England.

[1659] He was working on that.

[1660] And he just said, I'm going to the store tonight.

[1661] And I was like, you know, I want to come see it.

[1662] I just come.

[1663] I was like, cool.

[1664] So I sat in the OR and I watched Chris go up.

[1665] And at that time, I was I was in, I'm still not in Laugh Factory, but I did the improv, and I would do the Laugh Factory on, like, chocolate Sundays or whatever.

[1666] But the improv, it felt like you had to have your set already worked out.

[1667] Like, you couldn't.

[1668] Fuck around.

[1669] Couldn't fuck around.

[1670] Or, and you couldn't really go outside the box of what a comedian is.

[1671] And so when I was at the store, I saw a few comics go up before Chris, and I was like, oh, shit, you could be an artist here.

[1672] Like, that was my first instinct.

[1673] like you can do whatever you think is your thing here and then i saw chris go up and i was like i have to get in here like it was i was like i got whatever i got i got to do it i got to get true he wasn't around then and then i saw so then check this out uh so then i started coming down on sunday and monday and Tommy was doing it at the time and i would listen to Tommy talk and stuff.

[1674] And what blew me away about Tommy was I had never met a person who ran a comedy club who knew that much about comedians and who was that passionate about comedy.

[1675] I didn't know him from anything.

[1676] I just never, all the funny bones that I had worked, nobody gave a fuck about the lineups and kind of like his process.

[1677] So I didn't mind him talking to me. I was like, oh, this guy likes to talk.

[1678] And I was like, oh, shit, a lot of people probably don't talk to him.

[1679] And so then when he would talk to me about comedy I was blown away by the history that he knew a specific history of it and yeah you didn't get a chance to see him emerge as the crazy fuck he became no no no so then so uh he would give me two minute the two minute spots you know those two minutes and then he he was like uh I'm gonna give you 10 minutes and then he goes uh I'm gonna give you a showcase for Mitzie and he would call me it's going down now and I would drive get all it's not happening I'll go back home because the Since he was still sick, she was real sick.

[1680] Real sick.

[1681] Come in.

[1682] But she was still doing auditions then, huh?

[1683] Yeah.

[1684] What years is?

[1685] I don't know.

[1686] I'm bad with that.

[1687] But the class that I was in with it was Glickman, Steve Glickman.

[1688] Me and Steve were passed the same year.

[1689] So maybe two thousand.

[1690] Well, the Chris Rock thing was 2007.

[1691] So then maybe 2000.

[1692] So this is all of it was after I had left.

[1693] I'd left the store 2007.

[1694] Yep, yep.

[1695] So it was all right around that.

[1696] Right on the hills of that.

[1697] Right on the hills of that.

[1698] And then, so maybe I got passed.

[1699] 2008 maybe but uh where else do you work do you work like comedy magic club you work down there yeah yeah that's a great i love it man i'm going down there this weekend hopefully are you really yeah hopefully yeah i got to say you do the improvs all the the national improvs and stuff no no no no i used when i was a road comic i used to like dave strupe used to book me in columbus in columbus and he used to pay me for a feature i used to pay me well and then he would co -feature me co -headline me yeah and then he just stopped booking me I'll tell you I can tell you the story I don't care he there was his waitress that worked there and I fucked her and uh fucked her all weekend but I didn't approach her like she came on to me right and um Is that bad you're not supposed to fuck the waitress?

[1700] I don't know but I'm gonna say when Dave paid me he goes out of blue he goes did you fuck so and I was like nah and then he was like okay and then And he's never booked me since that.

[1701] But I didn't want her to lose her.

[1702] I didn't know if I would have gotten in trouble.

[1703] What kind of a weird question is that?

[1704] It was random.

[1705] And again, dude, this comes from like maybe not growing up with a dad.

[1706] I would have known how to handle that better.

[1707] But like if my dad, if I had some knowledge from that.

[1708] But I just was like, I'm not going to get her fire.

[1709] I'm leaving.

[1710] So I'm not going to be like, yeah.

[1711] Like I was like, no. I didn't know.

[1712] That's none of his fucking business.

[1713] I didn't know what to do.

[1714] It came out of nowhere.

[1715] Like, is he, if he's the boss?

[1716] Is he the boss or you're a private contractor?

[1717] You're kind of a private contractor.

[1718] Private contractor.

[1719] You come in.

[1720] It's not like you're getting health and dental from him.

[1721] Nah, but the whole thing was...

[1722] It's really your boss, but it's his club.

[1723] Yeah.

[1724] I used to work.

[1725] Are you like to fuck the waitress?

[1726] I don't know.

[1727] I mean, I was never told you couldn't.

[1728] Right.

[1729] You know what I mean?

[1730] But it's always been the case.

[1731] Guys, I've always done it.

[1732] Only one club, they said, don't do it.

[1733] Really?

[1734] It was a Milwaukee, the comedy cafe.

[1735] I used to do that room.

[1736] I get how they would see it was gross.

[1737] The comedians hitting on the waitresses all.

[1738] time away she couldn't do their job yeah I would always do my you know my energy man I would perform and I would sit down and if they came over and I would talk you know I mean but I was never like I'm not grope I'm not I wasn't she came on to you she came on to me and it was it was it was rent like me I wrote a show about this like me and this other dude we know like you you like you like we if you're throwing the pussy at us we won't pick it up like you have to literally be like will you oh okay yeah yeah you know what i mean like yeah i'm when i'm dare to do comedy i'm not conflate this is where i eat you know what i mean so i'm not thinking you're working i mean i'm i'm like see i'm definitely gonna see god damn you look good but i'm not gonna i'm not going to change up you know what i mean and so she had i forget i don't even know how it happened it was like um i think she asked me if we wanted to get something to eat to eat and we got something to eat and we were just talking and i was like oh shit she's flirting.

[1739] Oh, that's cool, but we were away from the club.

[1740] I was like, oh, that's what's up.

[1741] And then she made a, I need to come back to the condo.

[1742] It was like a weird, I was so goofy, like, all right, and then, oh shit, we fucking, and then, but it was literally no, I was no game on me, she just picked me, I won the lotto that weekend.

[1743] Like, whoever she was mad at before, she was like, I'm, this dude, I want that.

[1744] And that's really how that went down.

[1745] It wasn't me thinking about it.

[1746] you know what I mean like that's a funny thing because it's you're kind of working together yeah yeah but people in bars they always wind up hooking up like that's like the constant thing in bars bartenders and the waitresses people are always doing that that's like I rarely man like I mean I would say in my 20s I was more like conscious you know I knew how to like I could change my act to get an audience member or whatever like all right she's cute let me talk about this topic she'll come up that was so crazy you know and then I would know how to do all that stuff or go to the mall and invite somebody you know that right right right right but then as I got older I think I'm more concentrating in your comedy yeah I was like this stage time was so valuable to me I just and I was just like really I just wanted to just and then I was trying to figure out because it was at that time like later on it was about DVD sales like right now we hit comedians I sell out every time I'm like I sell two DVDs that so then I started going to going, what am I not doing?

[1747] So then I would fix that, and then it would be, like, lines waiting for my DVD.

[1748] But I'm a horrible salesman, so one person wanted to get in the conversation for a long time, and I don't want to be nice.

[1749] Right.

[1750] And then you just fucked up my line, like, you talk too long, you know, so I had to learn how to, like, keep it moving, you know what I mean?

[1751] But then I didn't really like talking to the audience that much afterwards.

[1752] If I'm doing, like, racial stuff, because it would always come back wrong.

[1753] I used to do this joke about how, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, Buster Rhyms.

[1754] I went to a Buster Roms concert and it was all white and he yelled oh my real niggas make some noise and everybody was like so the punch line is like white people are niggas now and I was like oh what I say and not only can we call them nigger they are paying $85 for the privilege to be called nigger right?

[1755] And so then my joke would be like white people I'll call you nigger for $10 $10 nigger sell nigger clearance cash only because I know how you niggas are like that was like a joke I would do on the road And then I would be out selling my DVD and always, you know, a drunk white person will come up and give me $20 and go, nigger like that.

[1756] I go, that's not the joke.

[1757] I call you and I'm like, ah, fuck.

[1758] That's a problem when you get forbidden words.

[1759] Forbidden words, man. You just can't wait to blurt them out.

[1760] Can't wait.

[1761] So we used to joke like, what if that was my thing?

[1762] Like, what if I didn't sell product?

[1763] And I was like, y 'all could just call me nigger at the back.

[1764] for $20 and like just shake up the whole t -shirt DVD selling thing like who is this guy letting white people call them in you know but i it just it got it got so you know it's that growth process every comedian every every i think minority comedian wants to figure out race like in their 20s and early 30s they want to fix it or have some clever angle to know one's number four but the reaction of that is you do like if you work in kentucky the late show Friday and here you come talking about you know a black man invented the golf tee because he was tired of holding the ball like they're like what you know what I mean it's like a different you gotta you're figuring it out you know and so now it's funny when I hear like younger comics you know attacking race in that familiar place it's like yeah that's cool but what's like what's what's beyond that you know what I mean but it's also like you're dealing with talking to the audience And the problem with talking to the audience is you might run into seven people that are really cool.

[1765] And they're great to talk to you.

[1766] Like, man, I'm glad I met you.

[1767] Yes.

[1768] And then you run into two drunk morons that ruin your entire night.

[1769] You know, like, I can't even believe I have to talk to you.

[1770] And I'm stuck talking to you and you're, you know, the problem is you think you can make fun of white people.

[1771] And white people can't say the N word to you?

[1772] Like, you think, you think that's okay.

[1773] You could say it to us.

[1774] We can't.

[1775] Oh, Jesus, gosh, I can't have this conversation with you.

[1776] Yeah, it's draining.

[1777] I can't do this.

[1778] Yeah.

[1779] Yeah, it's like when you do, you can't pick who you're meeting after those shows.

[1780] Just, especially if you're trying to sell something.

[1781] So I was like, I just don't want to have to sell something.

[1782] I just want to perform.

[1783] Yeah, and then I'll talk to you afterwards because I did what you paid for.

[1784] That's right.

[1785] Yeah, it's cool.

[1786] I used to take merch with me. I did it a few times on the road.

[1787] It is grueling.

[1788] It's grueling.

[1789] I can't do it.

[1790] Can't be.

[1791] You get on a plane with so much promise if I sell all these boxes, it's going to be in.

[1792] I know dudes who would ship their shit ahead.

[1793] They would ship boxes ahead, tape everything down.

[1794] Yeah.

[1795] Yeah, and you'd hear about Gabriel, Iglesias, he sells a million dollars with a t -shirt.

[1796] It's like, what?

[1797] I know.

[1798] How?

[1799] How?

[1800] What's he doing?

[1801] Yeah.

[1802] He's got a warehouse filled with t -shirts.

[1803] Like, what?

[1804] Yeah, I'm not fat and fluffy.

[1805] What?

[1806] He's killing it.

[1807] Yeah.

[1808] It's an interesting world, the world of, like, trying to figure out what your thing is.

[1809] Yeah.

[1810] You know?

[1811] Yeah.

[1812] Yeah.

[1813] But for you, we just got to let people fucking know, man. Just come see me, yeah, let them know.

[1814] You just got to be headlining on the road, man. I know, man. You got to put out a special.

[1815] Does anybody approach you?

[1816] you about a special?

[1817] No. The two that I've done, I've done out of pocket and I got stories about that.

[1818] I did one in 2007.

[1819] I made a lot of money doing colleges.

[1820] Because I really, I was like, I can I make some money and quick hits?

[1821] And I figured out what my act was for the college market.

[1822] And I finally, my agents would never put me in NACA nationals.

[1823] They would always do NACA regionals.

[1824] And NACA is the National Association of Campus activities where you know you you get submitted in this in colleges you know yeah i did all that yeah yeah so but i knew i and i never i rarely or never got selected to a regional because my humor works best if people if everybody can see it at that time like what i was talking about so if i did something someone from the south would be like that's too but someone from up no man shut up that's dope you know what i mean so i said nationals would be my spot they finally put me in i get picked i get to do it And this is right when Kobe got accused the stuff.

[1825] And I had this Kobe joke that I did.

[1826] And my agents was like, keep it clean.

[1827] I was like, man, I'm doing this my way.

[1828] I'm listening to y 'all all these years.

[1829] And so, and I knew what the kids wanted.

[1830] Like, I knew what the students wanted.

[1831] Once you get to their school, the act that people think they have to do to get the job, it's your act.

[1832] Just do your act.

[1833] So I did my act.

[1834] I do these Kobe jokes in the middle.

[1835] And it changed the chemistry of the room.

[1836] You know what I mean?

[1837] Because everyone was coming out, you know, doing the safe stuff.

[1838] And then the Kobe joke that I told was, uh, Kobe got paid $30 million to drink Sprite.

[1839] $30 million just to drink Sprite.

[1840] I go, for $30 million, I would drink my own cum.

[1841] I say this on the knack of thing, right?

[1842] I know women out there who have done it for far less.

[1843] That's the joke, right?

[1844] Place goes crazy.

[1845] I get offstage.

[1846] My agent is red.

[1847] But there's a line around the corner at my booth because I was the only guy that talked about something that was happening.

[1848] right then and I had a thing on it.

[1849] Get over like 120 schools.

[1850] And I did that burn.

[1851] Every, you know what that is.

[1852] So you're saying you made a bunch of money and then you put together a special.

[1853] Yeah, made a bunch of money, put together a special, called Anonymous, shot it in South Bend, Indiana, because I was in these writers rooms where people were going, the Midwest doesn't get it, the Midwest doesn't get it.

[1854] And I was like, I want to show them that the Midwest gets it.

[1855] Hired everybody, right?

[1856] The director I wanted, couldn't do it, refer to another director.

[1857] I had already purchased the place and airtime and all that stuff.

[1858] And I had people from everybody hates Chris, they were going to do favors for me. So my budget was at, say, it was at like $40 ,000, right?

[1859] Then I had to hire this other guy.

[1860] And he said, I don't like work when people I don't know.

[1861] You got to hire all my people.

[1862] Doubles my budget.

[1863] We took a scouting trip, met his DP.

[1864] They had my act.

[1865] They knew all my moves.

[1866] Like, I had this down cold.

[1867] Terry Cruz flew in and introduced me. And when we get on the plane to fly, the director says, the DP's not going to make it.

[1868] I found out later he took another gig.

[1869] So now I'm performing my special that I'm spending now $100 ,000 on in front of four camera guys who have never seen my act.

[1870] Oh, no. And I do the special.

[1871] And it went great.

[1872] did two shows I'm still hype about it get back the footage this guy the whatever you could this is the medium shot saw focus both shows no blurry so all my punch lines are over my left shoulder which is not how you so I couldn't resell it so I had to put it on YouTube and my boy calls it the most expensive demo tape on YouTube oh my God it's called Owen Smith Anonymous and I was so yo I was stressed man I lost a patch hair it was a terrible did you contact the dp and go what the fuck i never did wow i never did that's crazy i never did how did you how did you not like i fucked you i i just i didn't pay the director to this day i just didn't pay him i paid this crew i paid everybody else biggest check i ever wrote at that time and i never but i said i'm not paying you i go you know why i'm not paying you and i said you had two shows to see this i could have done my whole act over without an audience like I knew it that well just to, you know, capture this.

[1873] And my whole purpose was to resell this.

[1874] You didn't listen to him.

[1875] It was this thing because he had only done music.

[1876] He hadn't done comedy.

[1877] I knew every special.

[1878] And, oh, and the reason in that whole year, every director that came and directed, I came and directed Everybody Hates Chris episodes, I would take them to lunch because I found out they did comedy specials and I would pick their brain on how, you know.

[1879] Yeah.

[1880] So I was very confident in what I needed, you know, and this didn't work.

[1881] and so that put me like I was scared to spend my own money on anything I was scared to do anything for 10 years and then then I shot a special on iPhones I bought 10 iPhones we lit the place right shot a comedy special and then I returned the iPhones videotape myself returning iPhones and got my money back and I released that special we sent that to Netflix and at the time they not the people who are there now but the people who were there before or I heard, they just said I wasn't famous enough to have a Netflix.

[1882] There's a lot of people that aren't very famous that have Netflix specials, though.

[1883] Yeah, that could be argued.

[1884] That could definitely be arguing.

[1885] And so that was another, you know, so I just put that up on YouTube.

[1886] It's called Good Luck Everybody.

[1887] Those are the two.

[1888] Oh, so those are available now?

[1889] Yeah, just go watch them.

[1890] And the one that you shot with iPhones?

[1891] Good luck, everybody.

[1892] How much does that cost?

[1893] It shoot it all with iPhones.

[1894] It costs me. I paid an editor.

[1895] So if I didn't pay him, it would have cost me less than $1 ,000.

[1896] That's a great deal.

[1897] Yeah, but the editor costs me...

[1898] That's a bargain.

[1899] Maybe $8 ,000.

[1900] Do you remember when Dave Attell did something where he gave the people the audience, cameras, you let them film him?

[1901] Yeah, it's great.

[1902] That's a smart move, man. Yeah, if you got something to say, it don't matter how the moment is captured, I feel like, if you're saying something.

[1903] Well, just doing something like that, I mean, especially Dave.

[1904] Like, Dave is at his best.

[1905] he's at his best in these small crowds small audiences yeah like he was at the improv last week hilarious he went on dead last two audiences half gone yeah everybody's tired he's still hilarious he's fantastic man i used to go up after him a lot at the cellar and it was like it was beautiful just the way he would yeah man i love watching him work he's a real like a real master of his craft yes you know and a real veteran yeah you know yeah nothing's gonna shake this dude No, and he's got so much material.

[1906] So much.

[1907] He's always writing, like constantly writing, you know?

[1908] Chain smoking and writing.

[1909] I know.

[1910] I know.

[1911] Yeah, man. So, yeah, so those are the two that I've done.

[1912] But, nah, not yet.

[1913] Hopefully somebody approached me to, because I have some stuff that I really would love to.

[1914] Yeah, man, we got to get you out there.

[1915] We got to get you out there.

[1916] Yeah, I mean, the store right now is so crazy how many talented people are there.

[1917] Yeah, man. Theo Vaughn lit that place on fire last night.

[1918] He's dope.

[1919] I don't want to tell any of his bits, but God damn.

[1920] He had me crying.

[1921] It's like there's so many people right now that are so good.

[1922] It's weird.

[1923] It's like the level at the place.

[1924] It's like never before.

[1925] Yeah, never before.

[1926] I mean, I started there in 94 and the level was terrible.

[1927] There was a bunch of bodaks, a bunch of guys from the road that like they had started out there in the 70s and they were still around.

[1928] They were the same act.

[1929] I mean, there was some literally some people that started out there in like 78 and they were still floating around in 94 and they were just fucking terrible.

[1930] It was death.

[1931] And then somewhere around 2000 and maybe like four or five started picking back up.

[1932] Yeah.

[1933] And it was pretty good for a couple of years.

[1934] Then I bolted in 2007 after the Carlos Mencia thing.

[1935] And I didn't come back until 2014.

[1936] And now it's just hot.

[1937] I've never seen it like this.

[1938] Never seen this level.

[1939] There's so many funny guys.

[1940] The lines around the corner, too, is so inspiring.

[1941] Yeah.

[1942] It's amazing.

[1943] And the store helped me tremendously, especially the OR, because you can't charm your way through a bit.

[1944] You know what I mean?

[1945] Like, you have to know what you came to say.

[1946] And I love that.

[1947] I love that it challenges you as an artist to really, all right, yeah, okay.

[1948] Like you can't giggle and be like, ha, ha, and that.

[1949] Right, right.

[1950] You see people try too, and it's ugly.

[1951] It's terrible.

[1952] It's an audience filled with comedy nerds.

[1953] Yeah.

[1954] You know, there's a lot.

[1955] It's a different way.

[1956] It's a different place.

[1957] now.

[1958] It used to be like you get away with way more there.

[1959] It's now at the level's so high.

[1960] It's just the expectations are so high.

[1961] It's great, man. That's the best place to build that muscle because then when you go anywhere else, it's like, I know.

[1962] It's running with weight on it.

[1963] Yeah.

[1964] But listen, man, I'm glad we got you in here.

[1965] Thank you, man. I'm going to see you tonight.

[1966] And you're going to be on the benefit that we're doing.

[1967] I'm doing it.

[1968] Yeah.

[1969] I'm doing it.

[1970] Yeah.

[1971] I'm doing.

[1972] Yeah.

[1973] That's December 6th.

[1974] That's sold out, folks.

[1975] That's for the fight for the forgotten.

[1976] They build wells in the Congo.

[1977] And that's going to be at the Comedy Store to be you and me and Tom Segura, Tom Papa, Tony Hinchcliff.

[1978] Let's get it.

[1979] And Whitney, Whitney Cummings.

[1980] Hey.

[1981] Powerful.

[1982] All right.

[1983] We'll see you guys soon.

[1984] Cool.

[1985] Thank you.

[1986] Owen Smith, ladies and gentlemen.

[1987] Oh, what's your Twitter?

[1988] Tell people.

[1989] Owen Smith, for real.

[1990] Number four.

[1991] Number four real.

[1992] And Instagram?

[1993] Same thing.

[1994] Same thing.

[1995] Same thing.

[1996] All of them.

[1997] Thanks, brother.

[1998] Yeah.

[1999] Thank you.