#1376 - Artie Lange

[0] Network.

[1] The timer's on.

[2] All right, we're rolling.

[3] First of all, before we get started, I want to say thank you to Louis J. Gomez for hooking this up.

[4] Shout out to the Legion and Skanks.

[5] Without them, we would be nothing.

[6] Yes.

[7] Absolutely.

[8] What's up, Joe Rogan?

[9] My brother, what's happening?

[10] Hey, I'm alive.

[11] You're a lot.

[12] Look, man, I've been following this whole, everybody's been following you.

[13] Yeah, but first of all, thanks for being so nice.

[14] You're very supportive, Joe.

[15] I mean, that means a lot to me. I'm happy to see you healthy.

[16] you look good your face looks good you look thin you look you look healthy you look like you're vibrant yeah no i i'm present i talked to david tell and david tell came to visit me in rehab and he said uh you're present you don't want to leave every five seconds yeah which is what cocaine does to you right you know so no i feel good i feel good i mean it's i got nine months clean that's amazing yeah that's amazing two days ago was nine months what's the hump like what do they say you have to get over before you can stay clean well first of all my my drug history is insane it's it started when the first time i got high and i tell these young kids because you know i'm 52 now so i was in you know i was in rehab and jail and a halfway house the last eight months and with some of the craziest motherfuckers you've ever met in your life and they all have stories but once they know my story because i had some success in life basically as a full -blown junkie they're fascinated by it right uh and um the first time i got high was 1979 jimmy jimmy carter was president so when you tell a 22 year old kid that they're like blowing away that i'm even alive and i am too i was i i hit a home run in little league i'll never forget this and um i uh my buddy's older brother we used to call this kid sick jack i don't know what happened to him but he uh he had to me a joint and i I took a puff of a weed.

[17] And from 11 years old, I knew, I loved it so much.

[18] I just loved being, I loved the feeling of being out of control.

[19] You talk to a normal person, they go, I hate being out of control.

[20] I loved it.

[21] I loved like, wow.

[22] And you have an excuse for it.

[23] I was fucked up.

[24] Yeah, that's the thing, right?

[25] An excuse for being wild.

[26] An excuse for just being a screw up, too, you know.

[27] And my old man was a lunatic.

[28] He was not a drug addict or an alcoholic, but he was.

[29] was a criminal you know he was a low level criminal he came in the streets of norc and got to like the 10th grade in high school and he was like my favorite human being of all time he was like my older brother but i saw him do a lot of bad shit um uh you know i saw him fight all the time he was a boxer when he was young and just the real street smart guy and his life was chaos and i loved the chaos i was addicted to risk That's why I'm a gambler, too.

[30] So when cocaine came into my life, a few years later, I was 16 the first time I did a line of blow.

[31] And that was really fun because now you're up all the time.

[32] And that started basically a 35 -year drug run that didn't end to like nine months ago.

[33] I mean, I don't know if it's ended.

[34] You know, that's the thing.

[35] I don't put pressure on myself.

[36] I'm like, it's one, that one day at a time stuff, it sounds so cliche.

[37] But I take it one minute at a time.

[38] I can't guarantee people.

[39] I'm never going to get high again.

[40] I just know I'm not going to get high in the next 10 minutes.

[41] You don't want to get high again.

[42] Is there a risk of saying that you don't know if you're ever going to get high again?

[43] Well, the direct opposite is true.

[44] That's what they tell you in a program like Narcotics Anonymous.

[45] And again, I'm not some big program guy.

[46] I don't turn to some God guy, anything like that.

[47] But I'm a little more spiritual, I would say.

[48] And, you know, it's all stuff.

[49] You know, you used to tell me the last time I was on the show, you know, you were telling me to try to live right, like, you know, exercise, anything.

[50] Anything to get you through today that's positive, you know.

[51] In other words, by saying you'll never get high again, and I used to do that all the time, when you're really bullshitting yourself and everybody else, you put a lot of pressure on yourself.

[52] You know, like to say, even these young kids, these poor kids, man, are looking at a lot of jail time, prison time.

[53] They're living under a fucking bridge, somebody's kids, and they got nothing.

[54] that's why you know the careers of me and you have uh and congratulations on your everything you've done joe man you're just a you're a solid guy a great talent but um you know the careers we have are such blessings i mean we're living out a dream you know and these kids have nothing and for a 23 year old kid to say in a in a group therapy session anywhere i'm never going to get high again it's daunting to say you're never going to do anything again and even for me at 52 years old i love it.

[55] You got to say, I love, I love being high.

[56] I love the chaos.

[57] I love the lifestyle.

[58] You get addicted to the lifestyle too because you live like, you don't live like everybody else, you know.

[59] And I had a means of making money legally.

[60] And, you know, these kids had a rob to get all the shit.

[61] And and so that was enabling too.

[62] We live in an enabling world.

[63] But to say you're never going to get high again is so much pressure.

[64] To say, I don't know.

[65] And just work.

[66] on the next day and for me it's like i take it minute by minute literally i got high like we're here on the lower east side a man hatton right now i got high everywhere here back in the 80s i used to come here and my my buddy's older brother and uh get mescaline hits uh ludes back in a day you know we in washington square park uh blow so there's triggers all over the place so i just say if i can get this one more just get one more block without fucking on That turns into a day and then time, you know.

[67] So it's harder to say for yourself, I'll never get high again.

[68] What was the long as you went before this nine -month stretch?

[69] It feels like the last time I had nine months clean, I was nine months old.

[70] No, I, I'm going to, okay, in the late 90s, I came out of L .A. County jail.

[71] Well, again, the first time I got arrested for, I got arrested for attempted bank robber.

[72] when I was 17 years old.

[73] I wrote a bank tell her a joke note that said I have a gun.

[74] And I went to jail and I got on probation.

[75] I asked us tell her for $50 ,000.

[76] Whoa.

[77] And she started to give me the money.

[78] And she put, she, she hit the silent alarm.

[79] I was with my girlfriend at the time.

[80] I was 17.

[81] She was 18.

[82] So a SWAT team showed up to her house.

[83] We just left.

[84] And, uh, what you had the money?

[85] I didn't take the money.

[86] She started to give me the money.

[87] But again, this is my.

[88] my fucked up personality floor.

[89] I was like, wow, I'm going to get 50 Gs.

[90] You know, and she started to give it to me. But then something said, I can't do this.

[91] I took the note I gave her and I crumbled it up.

[92] I said, I'm just kidding.

[93] And I threw it in a garbage cam.

[94] I get in my girlfriend's car and she drives away.

[95] She goes, what happened in there?

[96] I didn't even tell her.

[97] I go, ah, no, it's bullshit.

[98] They had her name because she had an account.

[99] She's an adult.

[100] Oh, Jesus.

[101] And a SWAT team shows up at her house.

[102] So we both get arrested.

[103] We're handcuffed and I go to jail.

[104] she I say and her old man I think was connected it was like a mob guy and he sat me down and he goes when you rob a bank you know take my daughter he didn't have a problem to robbing the bank he had a problem that I took his daughter you don't take women when you rob a bank and I go I wasn't trying to rob a bank he goes no he goes I know you you're a craze you're crazy and he was right but but again I just loved the the the action yeah that's why i love gambling so um i go out to l -a i get mad tv now i'm making 10 grand a week and i got a bad cocaine problem and i started gambling the first tyson holyfield fight i lost 25 000 i thought tyson was going to fucking kill him and quincy jones who produced mad tv got us uh ring side seats at the at the at the fight and i lose 25 grand on a fight another eight grand at the tables i get blow i take it on the plane back to LA at 1 o 'clock in the morning.

[105] I take a swing of the cop and I go to L .A. County jail for trying to assault a cop.

[106] And he found an eight ball on me. Okay.

[107] So I had an eight ball of coke on me. I take a swing at a cop and that's my last day at MAD TV.

[108] Oh, Jesus.

[109] What year was this?

[110] This is 1996.

[111] Right after we did that sketch at Mare TV again.

[112] Which is like 95, I think.

[113] That was 96.

[114] It was the second season.

[115] Okay.

[116] Which is funny to watch because it's so fucking long ago.

[117] More kids.

[118] About about a month after.

[119] that we did we taped that sketch i got arrested wow uh and uh so i go to l a county i come out la county i'm on probation and i got to take urine tests and everything so i got clean so to answer your question i had almost a year clean at that point and then after that it was off to the races again i so nine months is the second longest i've had clean since i'm 11 years old now what are you doing for thrills like do you have to replace the joe rogan podcast do you have to do something to replace the feeling of gambling or of because you're not gambling right that's an extra question no i can't i can't do anything right because it escalates right it escalates if i put a five dollar bet on a roulette table right now by tomorrow morning i'd be running guns to cuba i'd have a human trafficking ring everything the badness just gets worse and worse because i can't have a beer you know right right and that's hard to that's hard to admit to yourself too.

[120] You know, I mean, I can't have one beer.

[121] And it took me a long time to grab that concept.

[122] Some people can't.

[123] So, have you had moments where you could have one beer in your life?

[124] Like, have you ever gone?

[125] When I was younger.

[126] Grab a slice of pizza.

[127] Have a couple beers and that's it?

[128] Yeah, watching a game.

[129] But the problem is I mix vices.

[130] I tell us, when I was a Longshoreman at the Port and North, okay, for a couple of years, I was at the orange juice beer.

[131] This happened twice.

[132] I had a bookie I used to gamble with.

[133] So drinking and Coke and gambling does not mix well.

[134] That's why to give you free drinks at a casino because you're messed up.

[135] So for Monday night football, the bookie took bets up until 8 o 'clock.

[136] Kickoff was 9 o 'clock.

[137] So at 5 .30, right after I got out of work, I would call the book and I would say, give me a thousand dollars on the Giants play the Cowboys.

[138] Give me a thousand on the Giants.

[139] Then I start drinking.

[140] 7 .30 comes around.

[141] I forget I made the bet.

[142] Two separate times I bet on the other team at 7 .30.

[143] At 7 .30, I called the book, and I said, give me the Cowboys.

[144] So all I could do is lose the Vig.

[145] Oh, Jesus.

[146] Lose.

[147] So this happened twice.

[148] So the bookie, bookies tape all your calls, and they destroy the tape at the end because the cops get it.

[149] But what they do is they have the calls on tape in case you have a, like you have a dispute.

[150] Like, I'd bet that.

[151] He goes, no, I got you on tape doing it.

[152] So I said to the bookie, why did you let me do that?

[153] He goes, because you've got to learn a life lesson.

[154] I go, thanks, Mr. Bookie.

[155] for giving me a life lesson.

[156] You know, I'm trying to win money.

[157] And he goes, I got to tape you at 5 .30.

[158] Making a bet.

[159] So at 5 .30, I'm like, all articulate.

[160] I go, yeah, give me the Giants laying seven over the Cowboys.

[161] Give me the Under Over 41.

[162] Give me a dime, which is $1 ,000.

[163] He goes, here's you at 7 .30.

[164] Give me the fucking Cowboys.

[165] I want the Cowboys in the Underparlay it.

[166] And you hear him trying to go, you just bet the Giants.

[167] Fuck you.

[168] No, I didn't.

[169] I put some chick on the phone.

[170] Give him the Cowboys.

[171] I'm a Cowboys.

[172] I met some girl.

[173] I was a cowboy fan.

[174] Talk me in a, you know.

[175] So he's a bookie's trying to give me life coaching tips.

[176] Oh, my God.

[177] So what happens is if I would go have the one beer on a Tuesday night in February in a sports bar, then I realized Virginia Tech is playing in a college basketball game.

[178] I bet Virginia Tech, then I have two beers, then I got Coke, then it's over.

[179] So your question is a great question.

[180] What do I do for?

[181] What are you replacing it with?

[182] That's where this business, which has taken me back now, I think 11 times.

[183] This is my 11th comeback.

[184] I have fans that I got that, you know, through Matt TV and the Stern Show, of course, that are so loyal.

[185] Stand up.

[186] Stand up.

[187] This business.

[188] Doing what we're doing right now.

[189] Talking to another funny guy who I love bullshitting, making money doing comedy.

[190] I have a gig tonight in Poughkeepsie.

[191] I'm going to Poughkeepsie, you know, and I'm going to.

[192] get on stage and talk to people for an hour and make a lot of money doing it.

[193] Are you doing bananas?

[194] No, I'm doing a place called Laugh It Up.

[195] Laugh It Up and Poughkeepsie.

[196] So, yeah, I did the bananas thing a bunch of times.

[197] So, you know, that's what I'm grabbing on to right now.

[198] Because women, I've lost three, I say this all the time.

[199] I lost three fiancés because of heroin.

[200] Heroin saved me a lot of money.

[201] I dodged three torpedoes with that The heroin was way less expensive than a divorce So, you know Right now I cling to my work Comedy is the only thing that hasn't abandoned me Yes You know, in a lot of ways And you know, this business is You know, it keeps taking me back You know, a lot of people who are addicts They get really addicted like marathon running Right Have you ever thought of doing something like that?

[202] I'm telling you, it seems like a crazy idea but if you could think you could run a block then you run two next thing you know you run a mile next thing you know I'm gonna do a 5K well I do a bit about this in my stand -up back the first time I tried to get off heroin this this trainer who I hired this kid he said you know I guarantee you a heroin high is not as good as a running high and I said to him have you ever tried heroin that's a ridiculous thing to say he goes no I go well then you're not qualified to be in this fucking conversation because I've done heroin and on occasion I've run and it's not even close yeah so the only way you get a running high you got to be in really good shape and you also got to run more to 20 feet yeah you run a lot yeah I mean I mean do you run is that would you yeah yeah I mean I would love to get that kind of thing in my life again I'm way healthier than I ever was in a long time where are you living I live in Hoboken New Jersey yeah there's got to be a place near there yeah no There's nothing, that's the thing about nowadays.

[203] Young comics, like, forget about the drug culture.

[204] If a 25 -year -old comedian has some gluten, he starts to freak out.

[205] Like they go to Alcoholics Anonymous, they have gluten, by mistake.

[206] So there's nothing but healthy shit going on.

[207] In Hoboken, it's nothing but young people jogging, Pilates, yoga, you know.

[208] Get in it.

[209] Man, I'd love it.

[210] I mean, you know, I don't.

[211] It's something to get addicted to.

[212] Yes.

[213] I can get addicted.

[214] I'm for sure addicted to exercise.

[215] I know that.

[216] I've known how about you for a long time.

[217] But it can help you.

[218] Yeah.

[219] Well, that, that, getting something like that, my life would be the ultimate turnaround.

[220] Yes.

[221] Because I love sports.

[222] I'm a good athlete.

[223] I was an all -state baseball player and I could shoot hoops.

[224] I was playing a lot of basketball in jail.

[225] Were you?

[226] Yeah.

[227] I was running full courts, man. I got an outside shot like crazy.

[228] And, but I'm the kind of guy I have hand -eye coordination.

[229] I could gain weight playing basketball.

[230] I don't even move.

[231] I just shoot the ball.

[232] The running thing is something I, you know, I got to release an endorphins.

[233] What you just said, see, that's a very insightful question because the whole, the whole thing is substituting the eye.

[234] With something else.

[235] Finding something else you're obsessed with.

[236] Yeah.

[237] My life I've always been obsessed with things, but luckily none of them have been bad.

[238] Right.

[239] You know, it's just been, but it's the same personality.

[240] The same personality that could have led me to be a junkie, let me to just get obsessed with martial arts or comedy or...

[241] I wish I got addicted to martial arts and heroin.

[242] Yeah, I mean, I struggle with video games, pool.

[243] Like anything that's like that I could get better at, I get obsessed with.

[244] You know, it's funny.

[245] Everything in my life went back to drugs.

[246] You know, I love shooting pool, too.

[247] Yeah, yeah, you're good, man. We played when we were at my studio.

[248] Yeah, I found that when I did cocaine, I was better at pool.

[249] because I focus more.

[250] I'm sure, yeah, yeah.

[251] You've got a lot of guys take amphetamines.

[252] Yeah, and you have this hand -eye coordination gets better, so you're playing nine -pull or something.

[253] I actually wrote a, I have a movie script I'm trying to write called Booker Sugar Nineball where a guy gets way better.

[254] He becomes the best nine -ball player on cocaine, so he has to keep getting money playing pool to school.

[255] Well, the best guys from back in the day, they were all taking amphetamines, like Buddy Hall and all these, like, world champions.

[256] Yeah, they were all drug addicts.

[257] They were playing days and days at a time.

[258] Yeah.

[259] Well, the movie to Hustler with that, with Jason.

[260] They play for, and that was booze.

[261] That was just booze.

[262] But these guys really did do that.

[263] I mean, these guys played for, they got on pills and they played for days.

[264] The key is what you said, obsession.

[265] Yes.

[266] Obsession.

[267] I get obsessed over a woman I'm dating.

[268] Yes.

[269] I get obsessed over, you know, if anything I like, I don't want to stop.

[270] I want to keep rewarding myself.

[271] The situation, you know, you're a, you're a very successful guy.

[272] So is someone going to be able to tell you, I was making all this money.

[273] And I'm taking care of people.

[274] around me supporting people around me and so who's going to tell me to stop right you know that is always a problem that's a problem i'm like i'm man people so it's a real problem yeah like i'm i make millions of dollars a year yeah fuck you right something's going right yeah i'm not going to stop right then what happened is i got i got legal consequences like i've never had before so your situation now like uh you can't if you test positive at all for anything you're fucked i could go to jail like even if like i smoked a joint in this room with you if if it if it came up i mean that's that that's you know everybody again i'm on this thing called drug court which is like probation on steroids uh it's kind of new it's only 20 years old the premise of it is there's not a lot of guys with my charges i right now i have i have a third degree possession charge right now and um because the the the uh the charge in la is so long ago that was expunged off my record so technically i got got a first time offense third degree not a lot a lot of guys with that little of a charge get drug court drug court is for people who can't stop robbing people because there's in other words they were putting everybody in jail for robin stuff and they linked that behavior back to drug use they were stealing to support the drug habit so they get all these robberies on their jacket and and they go okay to try to help you instead of giving your prison we're going to give you this thing called drug court but you got a report like like i gave five urins this week you know so if i if i if i got high first of all my situation because i'm well known the second i i give clean urine clean urine clean urine and then one dirty it's all over you know yeah the news now are they why did they give you such a harsh sentence if it's just possession i i i don't really know are they trying to make an example i i think that's part of it yeah because you know every time when i got the first charge was just regular probation and i got no new charges or anything It was all these technical violations because I kept pissing dirty.

[275] And eventually after I failed that, they gave me drug court.

[276] But, you know, again, I got no problem with the people in the legal system.

[277] But what is your feeling on like, what works?

[278] How do you get someone?

[279] For you, is it being scared?

[280] Is it crashing?

[281] But you got to want to do it.

[282] Right.

[283] And you want to do it right now.

[284] But was it because they had threatened you with so much?

[285] I mean, what I'm trying to get at is, is there like a method to this that makes any sense?

[286] They're supposed to be, but the, okay, the premise, I think, the best thing about jail for a drug addict is it actually locks you away for the drugs for a little while because, you see, now, cocaine made my life chaos for a long time.

[287] But when heroin came into the game, forget it, lights out.

[288] Heroin is, if I saw some kid thinking about trying heroin for the first time, I would tackle them.

[289] I would do anything to get them to stop because the only way to stop this, this opioid.

[290] crisis is prevention you know doctors became pushers with oxies and stuff like that you know drug companies it's a lot of money you know yeah on the legal and illegal side of it so once once heroin gets in your system you need it every eight hours you need it every eight hours like it's oxygen so you you become desperate withdrawals are insane so is it insane like what is it like It's insanity.

[291] Well, okay, when I became, you know, again, my story on a Howard Stern show, the big headline at the end of why I left that show was, and I speak sometimes at N .A. meetings and I try to get this through young people's heads.

[292] I was basically a full -blown junkie on the biggest radio show of all time.

[293] I mean, that's the headline.

[294] That's what, you know, nodding off on the air.

[295] but I also had a full -time stand -up comedy schedule.

[296] So my life became the kind of chaos that not many human beings have ever seen.

[297] So I would have gigs in Pittsburgh, Phoenix, and Detroit three weeks in a row.

[298] Then I got to get back at 6 a .m. to be on Stern.

[299] Now, I was, by the end, I was so paranoid to bring drugs on a plane, but I needed the heroin to get on stage because the sickness, picture the flu times 10.

[300] That's what withdrawals are.

[301] And there's aches, all the emotional pain you're masking, comes back.

[302] So withdrawals are a living hell.

[303] So when you see the withdrawals coming, you see the heroin getting out of your system, you're like, okay, it's going to get really bad.

[304] Then you realize, most people can't leave the room.

[305] Then you realize you've got to do five radio shows a week, and then you've got to fly to Detroit and do stand -up on a Saturday night.

[306] So when I landed in Detroit, I wouldn't have heroin.

[307] So my life became a dance of like I would land in every city, and I would say I would get in a cab and I'd say to the cab driver I need heroin I got to score otherwise I can't do this show sometimes a guy would recognize me and want tickets to the show I would go to the worst part of Detroit or the worst part of anywhere anywhere any city and try to find heroin because in an hour I got to be on stage and in 20 minutes I'm going to be deathly sick when I say sick like shit in my pants throwing up So this is, you're getting there, no connections.

[308] No connections.

[309] Now, I started to get.

[310] Did you ever not score?

[311] Yeah.

[312] I used to call them, I used to call them dope six sets because withdrawals, they call a dope sickness.

[313] And I, one time I was on stage in Orlando, Florida, I had to do an hour, half an hour into my set.

[314] I realized I'm going to ship my pants in front of 2 ,000 people.

[315] So I said, okay, in my head.

[316] And like, you know, with your act, sometimes you got jokes you could do like a robot.

[317] So I'm just going through the motions.

[318] You say this, it'll get a laugh.

[319] You say this, it'll get a laugh.

[320] I realize I'm going to shit my pants, okay, in front of 2 ,000 people.

[321] So I said, there's two choices.

[322] I can either say, guys, I got to go to the bathroom, listen to some music, and go shit or shit my pants in front of 2 ,000 people.

[323] Did you shit your pants?

[324] No, I said, play a song, and I ran back.

[325] Did you tell them?

[326] Are you going to shit your pants?

[327] I came back and I said, I was going to shit my pants.

[328] So, okay, these are stern fans, they go, it would have been.

[329] funnier if you shit your pants of course so I got Stern fans who know he's about to shit my pants the last half hour of the show is like them yelling shit your pants yeah they're a particularly ruthless brown I remember I saw you at the Lex the Luxor in Vegas it was one of the first times I ever saw you in front of a stern fan right like the Stern fan group right they're ruthless it's crazy yeah it's crazy and then they say they love you but then they're screaming shit out and you know in Vegas is another again so so that became my life the chaos was insane what do you think it was encouraged to like did people incur like did they enjoy the fact that you were off the rails some people did yeah some people did and because of that do you think that like you identified with that like this is who i am this is what i do that's a great question absolutely part of me said maybe this is my thing yeah you know and that's that's you bullshit yourself because that's also you saying it's a reason to continue yes you know i i can keep fucking up because this is how I make money.

[330] And this is my...

[331] A lot of money.

[332] A lot of money.

[333] I mean, okay, the most money I ever did making stand -up, most money I made, it was actually at Mandalay Bay, Super Bowl leave 2007.

[334] This is an example of my life.

[335] In one night, I made $140 ,000 doing standard.

[336] Okay.

[337] I got $70 grand for two shows.

[338] I did two shows.

[339] I'm on the plane flying back from Vegas.

[340] I'm doing the math.

[341] Between the gambling, the drugs, and the hookers, I lost $145 ,000.

[342] okay so so so when i got home my account thought i was going to give him a check for 140 grand i said i need five gs oh jesus christ i made 140 000 in a night one night my father climbed roos for a living okay he he never made that in 30 years and and then i'm going back to co -host the biggest radio show ever and i lost a hundred but i had a ten thousand dollar hooker who looked like a young carman electric and uh and uh and um and I lost money playing craps.

[343] I lost on the game and the drugs I bought.

[344] Jesus.

[345] I was down $145 ,000.

[346] So after I paid out my commission to the agents, the weekend cost me like $40 ,000.

[347] Have you put this in a book?

[348] I don't know if that story's in a book.

[349] I wrote another book in jail, too.

[350] I wrote a fourth book.

[351] It's called Ripping and Running.

[352] And I'm trying to get a deal.

[353] I'm trying to get a deal.

[354] I'm trying to get a deal for it right now.

[355] Who the fuck wouldn't give you a deal for that?

[356] Jesus Christ.

[357] That's just one fucking story of, of madness.

[358] I'm sure.

[359] Of madness.

[360] The thing about those stories is they're so great.

[361] Like, it's such a catch 22, right?

[362] Right.

[363] It's like the stories are so amazing.

[364] And people love you for those stories, but they also want you to be clean.

[365] Well, here's the thing.

[366] So, so that's the catch 22, you know.

[367] And then I'm saying to myself, so again, the answer to your original question is a, is the, if I'm be honest with you right now, the reason, the thing that got me, the method I'm using now are consequences.

[368] If I didn't have jail hanging on my head, I don't know what would happen today.

[369] But I think I'm far enough out of getting hot.

[370] Like I got, it's the drugs are finally out of my fucking system.

[371] There's other drugs they give you that are basically legal dope.

[372] There's this thing called Suboxone, which is an opiate blocker.

[373] But it's dope.

[374] What does it do to you?

[375] It stops you from getting high on heroin, but it stops to withdraw.

[376] too so you also get high you know it's an opioid yeah but it's legal uh and so if you're on what they call so box and maintenance you uh you can pee with that in your urine and you'll be all right if they know you're on it but you're getting high through a doctor you're getting high it's like methadone right methadone we used to have these guys that would come to the pool hall we'd call them methadonians yeah they would go down the street they'd get their methadone they'd come to the pool hall and they'd just be zombies okay another story about methadone for a little while I took methadone at a methadone clinic while I was on Howard because I was desperately trying to get off heroin but look again the only difference methadone and heroin is legality like once the courts are cool with one for some reason and the other one's illegal I mean if if you have no legal issues why not just keep doing heroin it makes no fucking sense probably better for you heroin is the one drug that doesn't affect any organ like the way people die on heroin is you you overdose but like look at Keith Richards.

[377] I mean, he just got good shit.

[378] He got pure shit.

[379] And he never ODed and died.

[380] So, like, he's almost preserved.

[381] It kind of doesn't affect your liver.

[382] Nothing like that.

[383] So there's no real health consequences other than overdose.

[384] Other than, really other than OD and and the withdrawals because it becomes a part of your body.

[385] Like, it's, it's, again, I'm not recommending it.

[386] It's a living hell.

[387] It's a living hell.

[388] The lifestyle and the people that get into your life because of it.

[389] But so a couple of times I went to a methadone clinic that opened at 6 a .m. Because the guy was a fan of stern, he would let me come into the methadone clinic at 5 .30 and get, I took a shot, they give it to you an orange juice.

[390] Okay, take a shot of orange juice with the methadone.

[391] Twice I threw up on the air.

[392] And one time, again, I was never funnier off the shit than this.

[393] Howard was talking, I think it was Roseanne Barr.

[394] And Howard said, hey, you look thin.

[395] She was on the phone.

[396] And I'm nauseous.

[397] like listen to this timing I'm nauseous with the methadone I feel like I'm going to throw up and I got a live mic you know right and uh and she goes yeah Howard I've been exercising and he goes what are you been doing she goes well I get in a I get in a a two piece bathing suit now as soon as she said that you're going to go as soon as well as she said that you're going to go as soon as she said I get it to be funny he goes what are you doing I go ah yeah as soon as she said I get to a toothpiece bad.

[398] uh, timing.

[399] My comedic timing was better.

[400] So, so now I'm doing that for a while and at that point I had no legal she's doing, what the fuck I'm even trying this for?

[401] You know, and suboxin, look, suboxin helps save me and help me get off it, but eventually you got to get off that too and you kick.

[402] How hard is that?

[403] Is it hard to get off it?

[404] Okay.

[405] There's something called fentanyol out.

[406] Which is elephant tranquilizer.

[407] It's synthetic.

[408] It's like spice.

[409] Like, synthetic weed.

[410] All these kids in jail, by the way, these young kids, they smoke this K2 shit.

[411] They stop while they're talking to you.

[412] Like a kid will be talking to you in jail, like that jail jumpsuit, and it'll just be like, he stops.

[413] It looks like he got hit with volcanic ash or something because they spray these chemicals on the weed and it does something to them.

[414] They start dancing like Julie Andrews.

[415] All these bloods and crips are dancing to the sound of music.

[416] The hills are all right.

[417] I've, it's really, it's weird.

[418] So Fettinwell is like the heroin version of that.

[419] It's synthetic heroin.

[420] Yeah, much stronger.

[421] People are dying from touching it.

[422] Like they touch it, it gets in your system.

[423] Cops are dying, or cops are getting overdose from handling people that are sweating.

[424] Right.

[425] It comes from China.

[426] There's all these conspiracy theories about China trying to kill us.

[427] And who knows, man, it's weeding out a lot of junkies.

[428] I was in a rehab, which I got to give a shout out to.

[429] This place, Turning Point in Patterson is where I really got clean.

[430] I was there for three months.

[431] I did a month in jail, and then I did three months of turning point.

[432] Great place.

[433] They really helped me out a lot.

[434] My counselor, Sarah, shout out to her.

[435] But she, you know, I got clean there.

[436] But it was in Patterson in the hood.

[437] And the gangs would fight each other to get the corner right across from the rehab.

[438] Oh, Jesus.

[439] Because people would come out.

[440] Yeah.

[441] People come out and they get high.

[442] Two kids I was in there with, you know, went and got high.

[443] They died that day.

[444] Jesus.

[445] They just leave and they died that day.

[446] From fentanyl.

[447] These are junkies.

[448] If you get a certain amount of time clean, your willpower, your resistance.

[449] Resistance goes down.

[450] So they would take what they used to take.

[451] And they would kill them.

[452] They were out there.

[453] So to get off the Suboxin is very difficult because you got to kick it.

[454] You got to kick it.

[455] You know, withdrawals take average four to five days.

[456] And I've done that in jail twice.

[457] So if you have fentanyl in your system and you take a Suboxone, you go into what they called pre -sip withdrawals which are like the regular withdrawals times a million like you feel like you're going to die you start to hallucinate this happened to me twice i went to i went to jail uh not knowing that the coke they put it in everything they put it in the cocaine they put it in the marijuana because they want people to catch a habit and if a couple people die because if you got a habit i got to keep going back so you're buying what you think is blow it's not it's it's blow with this fentanyl in it heroin's brown when you get it's brown when you get it's brown when you get it's it.

[458] Fentanyl is white.

[459] So if it's really a lighter color, it's got fentanyl in it.

[460] But people want to get high so bad, they take the risk.

[461] If you're a junkie, you'll take that risk.

[462] So I did not know I had fentanyl in my system.

[463] It was in the cocaine I had.

[464] So I get to, I get to jail, and I see this kid in the bullpen at the jail.

[465] And he was a dealer.

[466] I knew from the street.

[467] And he owed me, he owed me a favor.

[468] And these kids smuggled drugs in in the band that they're sweatpants.

[469] They have it right here.

[470] And if you, you see a kid going like this all the time and kids walking over to him you know he's got something so i went over to the kid and i said uh what do you got and he goes i just got subs subboxin i said give me one because i you know i couldn't deal with the anxiety and uh he gave it to me i didn't know i had fentanyl in my system i took us a boxin with it and in 10 minutes i was writhing on the floor right just just just so they threw me in a cell and i had a i had a kick um i had a kick with those kind of withdrawals and on a jail cell how long was it one?

[471] five days two five days now the COs when I was kicking at Essex County Jail the COs there are I love them they're great guys they're tough motherfuckers they got a tough job and they were very supportive of me and they protected me in there they were good guys but um so they were giving me food they were trying to keep me hydrated and shit there was a doctor there was really cool but I I was naked because you're also on a suicide watch if people kicked from heroin And again, all this emotional pain comes back on you.

[472] And a lot of people commit suicide.

[473] So they give you what they call this turtle shell, that you're naked and you go in this turtle thing that's like a Velcro thing.

[474] So I kicked for five days in that thing, just rolling around the floor.

[475] I started to hallucinate.

[476] My old man's been dead for 30 years.

[477] I kind of swore he was talking to me right in front of me. Yeah.

[478] It's just, and then knowing that, then I get it out of my system.

[479] I get out of jail and I get an hour.

[480] later you know so you know if if if if you keep doing that there's something wrong so what happened this time that changed I I they kept me away for longer than I ever was I was doing I was doing like two week bid a week bid in jail this time I was in jail for almost two months and I kicked then I went to a long term rehab and I got locked away from it and I started to think clearer and think about the consequences and think about my mom and the fact that my mother is this great Italian woman who uh you know I thought she just needed money for me I took care my own man on his deathbed said take care of your mother and as an Italian guy from North Jersey you think that means money doesn't mean anything else so I kept giving her money not knowing she was worried about me dying you know all the time so she I thought about her pain and I said I can't do this anymore so i just started to think clear and then the one day at a time comes in so wow that's the difference the difference was i was locked away from the dope longer than i ever was so not only did the physical withdrawals go away but uh the mental withdrawal charlie parker the great jazz musician who was a heroin addict died when he was 35 he said they can get it out of your body but they can never get it out of your brain charlie park had 35 charlie park was 35 jesus christ the carter said he was 66 yeah but but he had the most profound thing i ever heard someone say about heroin he said they can get it out of your brain but they can get it out of your body but they can't get it out of your brain because you remember it's a way to deal with shit and it's a maternal thing right it's like almost like being in the womb absolutely and i've never done it but i had knee surgery they gave me a morphine drip oh forget and give me a button yeah that's it i was in the hospital i could hit it anytime i want i just hammered that thing yeah of course you just go just light off to the most beautiful, wonderful feeling.

[481] Well, that's the thing about drugs.

[482] They work.

[483] You know, it's instant.

[484] It's instant.

[485] You know, you don't want, and again, that's something else in our business.

[486] Like, you know, I don't want to wait for anything.

[487] I want the money now.

[488] I want to come now.

[489] I want to fucking get high now.

[490] I want to gamble now.

[491] That's the part of what makes you a great comic, though.

[492] That impulsive wildness is what people enjoy in comics.

[493] Yeah, absolutely.

[494] All my favorite comics kinnison joey diaz all of them struggled yeah all of them yeah it's it's a prior look a richard prior yeah lennie bruce lenny bruce lex all of them yeah Mitch Mitch headberg sure robin williams everybody everybody had drug problems yeah it um i give you a great Greg geraldto i give you a great Greg gerald no story all right okay so this to me sums up a comedian who's also a drug addict all right 2006 william shatner wrote Comedy Central, right?

[495] Girada was just hitting with the roast.

[496] He was getting to be a big deal, but I had partied with him a couple of times, and we both had the same problem.

[497] So we were the only two guys coming from New York City to do the Chatner roast.

[498] This was 06 for Comedy Central.

[499] So I'm at the JFK first lounge, first class lounge waiting for my plane.

[500] And I know Greg is supposed to be on a plane.

[501] He shows up five minutes before the plane takes off.

[502] And he goes, Hardy, man. He like hugs me, he's sweating.

[503] He goes, I'm tweaking like he was on taking amphetamines.

[504] So I go, he goes, I'm not getting on a plane.

[505] I go, dude, you're like the best guy at these rows now.

[506] You have to get on a plane.

[507] This is your career.

[508] And he goes, I can't get on a plane.

[509] I go, you have to get on a fucking plane.

[510] So I had all this Vicodin.

[511] I smuggled under my sock.

[512] I said, take a couple of Vicodin and have a beer.

[513] So I got him a beer and he started to calm down a bit.

[514] I literally held his hand, okay?

[515] I held his hand and got him on a plane.

[516] I changed my seat to sit next to him.

[517] He was too paranoid to go to the fucking bathroom.

[518] So I would guard the bathroom so no one could.

[519] come in and I I we get to LA now we got to go to a dress rehearsal at CBS Radford Farrah Fawcett was on that rose so now he's still freaking out paranoid and he he goes I'm gonna hug Farrah Force I go you can't go near Farrah Fawson I go not only is your career gonna be over you go he goes I'm gonna hug Farrah Farrif I have to kiss her I go she was two feet from us I go you can't kiss Farrah Fawes I go great you can't kiss Farrar Fawes I go I go you're gonna get arrested I go now your career is going to be over and you're going to be arrested for sexually assaulting fire forcied on amphetamines so i go you just got to calm the fuck down we get through the dress rehearsal and he goes please don't tell anybody and now i've been there so i know what he's so i go i want so we go back to the hotel i i leave my room i sit by him like florence fucking nightingale i'm giving them like hot compresses and shit the morning the next morning the car's coming to get us to take us to the show at noon and he comes out of it he comes out of the bathroom he goes i i think i'm i came down.

[520] He hugs me. He's crying.

[521] He goes, thank you so much.

[522] I go, dude, you would have done the same thing for me. Okay, so now we go to the roast.

[523] He's the first roaster up.

[524] First thing he says.

[525] He goes, Artie Lang's here.

[526] How about a hand for Arty line?

[527] And everybody applauds.

[528] He looks at me, he goes, look at you, Artie, you fat fucking drug addict.

[529] That's the first thing he said.

[530] And I went like this.

[531] I went bro like this, and he went like this.

[532] that that look that look that's a comedian yes that looks a comedian what are you gonna do it's there you gotta take it I just saved his fucking life oh I'm crying I practically made out with him I stopped him from sexually assaulting one of the Charlie's angel the one yeah the one Farrah Flores he goes I want to kiss Farrah Flores I've never said that to another human being before or since very few people hardly ever have I said that to leave majors Oh shit So the first thing he says Is you fat fucking drug out Yeah He got to throw fat in it Oh And then he gives me Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God Me One Again this is something Things you wish you had on tape About 1998 Me Mitch Hedberg And Greg Giroldo both did sets.

[533] We all three of us did sets at the comedy cellar.

[534] And there was an old diner on a 9th and 23rd called Chelsea Square Diner.

[535] I don't know if it's so there anymore.

[536] The three of us was me, Greg, and Mitch.

[537] And if you ask why God spared me out of that three, I have no idea.

[538] It's just sheer luck.

[539] But God spared me for some reason.

[540] I don't know why.

[541] And I remember talking, the three of us were talking about drugs.

[542] And Hedberg, he told us to a couple of people.

[543] And I didn't know Mitch as well.

[544] I did a couple of gigs with him but uh you know he said you know a lot of people are trying to get me to stop i'm never going to stop he said i'm just just don't waste your time i'm never going to stop doing it i love it that much and you know at the time i didn't realize how dark that was and he died you know he's been dead almost 15 years now you talk about a real genius you know uh and um like he just was like I just I know I can never stop like that's how much it takes it takes over to the point where you know you know you might die out he goes I don't care I want to do it this way Jesus yeah you know so so again well he remember when he almost died from gang green yeah because he was shooting into the same hole that he was going through he might have been with a towel I don't know and Lewis Black they did a tour together and again that's one of the sadder stories yet the security at the airport smelled the gang ring oh boy that's how they found out yeah and they found shit and I think he beat the case I think they found like paraphernalia or stuff but you're talking about you know one of the best maybe the best joke writer ever and he just doesn't he just like I just why again when you live in this life like standups most of us dreamed to doing this our whole lives and now you're doing it who's going to tell you to stop anything I think with him too the they were inseparable the stand up and the heroin together yeah like Miles Davis said like yeah with playing the trumpet you know again you're talking about extreme personalities yeah John Belushi yeah and again like you say you have the same personality but it just manifested itself in different ways I was lucky when I was a kid I knew junkies I had a my friend Jimmy's cousin was selling coke when I was in high school and I watched him rot away I watched him shrivel up and and I remember I was also I was very paranoid right and I didn't I didn't want to ruin my life I was always worried about ruining my life I was always worried about life.

[545] Yeah.

[546] So I'd see things like that.

[547] I'd be like, alright, stay the fuck away from drugs.

[548] That's an amazing, amazingly mature attitude at that point, because I was a direct opposite.

[549] I said, that's going to be part of the success.

[550] Yeah, for me, it was self -preservation.

[551] Yeah, yeah.

[552] And look, that's a smart way to think.

[553] But I tell, I tell when I speak, I tell these kids because they're like, how did you make it, man?

[554] Like, how did you make it in show business?

[555] Like, they Google me and they see me, you know, on the Tonight Show.

[556] Yeah.

[557] They go, how did you do that?

[558] Like, in rehab, they were like, you know, they're watching my movies on YouTube these kids are magicians with the fucking thing and I stand up and they go how did you do this like being a junkie and I'm like I don't know I can't even remember well that's part of the problem is that you're kind of rewarded for being so wild and being wild you're you're it's and accentuated by the drugs and by the craziness and gambling and all of it I say the way Ray Romano wrote new jokes about having kids and a family you know a lot of comics you you comment on your life yes that's how you get new material so my life was not a wife and kids my life was this craziness with drugs and gambling and that's that's where i sort of i mine that for material and it's also the audience loved it they love the fact that you're out there live in that life like kowkowski or hunter thompson yeah anyone who's out there live in that life there's like it's romantic yes yes you're not living like the average Shlub.

[559] Like Rayleigh Oda says it in Goodfellas.

[560] Like, you know, we, we were rock stars.

[561] Yeah.

[562] You know, all these guys who had to wake up and go to a nine to five job, we don't know that life, you know?

[563] And I, dude, I saw the other side when I was at this halfway house with all these crazy motherfuckers, I had to get a job as part of the program.

[564] So I pumped gas and I worked on the back of a garbage truck for a while, we'll throw in garbage.

[565] And I pumped gas as a kid.

[566] And, you know, you know, the money we make for being on state.

[567] age, I'm going for, you know, from that money, I may, I pump gas 40 hours one week.

[568] I got to check for $280.

[569] You know, so that's what, that's life, man. Yeah, that's real life.

[570] That's real life.

[571] Yeah.

[572] Okay, story about this kid in the halfway house.

[573] I had three roommates.

[574] One was a carjacker.

[575] The other one was an arsonist.

[576] Okay.

[577] This other kid was a was a junk.

[578] This kid was my bunkmate.

[579] He lived on the top bunk.

[580] I was on the bottom.

[581] He's like 22 year old.

[582] He had some, he had a form of Tourette's.

[583] Every 11 seconds, my hand to God, he made.

[584] this sound, hey, every 11 seconds.

[585] All night.

[586] All night.

[587] To get to sleep, he watched porn on his, on his phone.

[588] So he loved the specific kind of porn and he would keep showing it to me. He's jerking off on the top bunk.

[589] And I got to go pump gas the next day.

[590] I'm like, my life is fucking over.

[591] And he loved watching these really fat black jigs get fucked by small white guys.

[592] Okay.

[593] So this is what you hear all night.

[594] You hear this.

[595] Fuck me with that honked.

[596] dick.

[597] Fuck me, you little white pussy.

[598] And political correctness is even in like jails.

[599] In the old days, people would just let him on fire.

[600] And throw him in a dumpster.

[601] Right.

[602] But now it's a disease.

[603] Right.

[604] So he's got a disease.

[605] So, but he, the kid, I go, you're on the fucking internet.

[606] You can watch the hottest chicks on the planet.

[607] He would jerk off these chicks.

[608] I go, those chicks look like the 86.

[609] Celtics.

[610] That looks like Bill Walter.

[611] But then it's like this enormous like Oprah looking chick with a little like Richard Simmons looking guy.

[612] And he goes, hey.

[613] Did you ever ask him why he's into that?

[614] Sort of, but no explanation made any sense.

[615] Okay.

[616] There's another kid I was in jail with.

[617] I was in protective custody.

[618] So if you're in protective custody at jail, you, you, it means you're a murderer, a snitch or some sort of celebrity so you're up there with hardcore motherfuckers so this this black kid who was next to me in the cell great kid i love them i love them but when me and him were both out of the cell together for wreck time i noticed the guards were real protective of me like no they would make him go in the shower and lock the shower while i walk past them he had some sort of ghetto turets or something like because every okay he'd ask you a question about your life and then he would interrupt you by going word up like every three so i'm going to ask you you question just start the answer okay what's your name joe word up where you're from uh word up born new jersey word up he kept every 11 seconds he went word up word up I love the guy okay because I'm locked in myself 23 hours a day one of the guards told me the guy chopped up three women oh word up like cut up yeah so that's the You're rubbing elbows with these guys.

[619] Jesus.

[620] I think he chopped up three girls.

[621] The most affable.

[622] I like the kid.

[623] I still basketball with him.

[624] Like the Golden State was playing.

[625] And yeah, because you're in solitary confinement.

[626] Was he able to have conversations?

[627] He was mentally ill, obviously.

[628] But he kept, like I heard him on a phone.

[629] The other thing about jail, man, they have tablets now.

[630] They have the technology.

[631] So for one hour a day, I was out of my cell.

[632] and you can play basketball or whatever but you're in these cages so they give these young kids who are in jail for a long time tablets they could call anybody on the outside so they call their girlfriends which is always a bad thing like it starts out nice but you hear the build like how you doing baby who's that who's that in the background who the fuck is that and they start screaming at them and they get violent and I go don't call your girlfriend and when this kid would talk to anybody's life he kept saying wear it up every five seconds so when you're you're trapped with these guys in your cell for 23 hours a day no i add my own cell protective custody as you have your own cell so and what are you doing when you're in that cell well i wrote i wrote again that helps being creative too i wrote yeah and uh i i read a lot i had a great lawyer my lawyer at the end sent me a lot of reading material again this is where stern fans oh you talk about how crazy are they're also the sweetest people on the planet they were stern fans all wrote me letters We're rooting for you.

[633] I hope you get better.

[634] They sent me books that they knew I liked.

[635] And, you know, you kill time.

[636] 23 hours a day.

[637] So you have a pattern?

[638] A patent pen?

[639] Yeah.

[640] So you're writing things out?

[641] Yeah.

[642] Did you write stand -up?

[643] Did you write memoirs?

[644] I wrote a lot of stand -up, and I wrote this book.

[645] I have a rough draft for a book, which is all stories like I was just telling you.

[646] You know, I mean, this book, I've written three books, and they're all crazy stories.

[647] but this one, if I do it the right way, which it's hard to fuck up because it's just repeating these stories.

[648] It's going to be insane.

[649] I'm sure, but I want you to, you've got to release an audio version of it.

[650] There's no way it's going to do you justice in a printed form where I have to interpret how you're saying these things.

[651] The first book I had out, Too Fat to Fish, which debuted number one of the New York Times best of us.

[652] That's another thing with drugs.

[653] I read halfway through the audio book and I couldn't do it anymore.

[654] I was always in withdrawals in the booth.

[655] So I quit.

[656] I just quit in the middle of it.

[657] So who read it?

[658] I hired two guys with speech impediments.

[659] Oh, Jesus.

[660] On purpose?

[661] One guy couldn't read.

[662] He was reading the book.

[663] Oh.

[664] One of the guys had trouble reading.

[665] Oh, Jesus.

[666] And he had to read a book.

[667] Oh, my God.

[668] Is that available right now?

[669] Yeah, yeah.

[670] I'm going to buy that tonight.

[671] You can get that.

[672] I'm going to buy the audio version of it today.

[673] Halfway through I just stop Halfway through I get to chapter six And then I just do a thing I go guys I quit And they put that in the audio book I'm not doing this anymore Oh my God I'm sweating I'm leaving You hear me like leave the booth And the next thing you hear is Then I had a thing come happen with The studio The studio time took like four For extra months Oh my God The publisher random house groves and we're going over time we if someone's going to read the book they have to not read you know David Goggins is the the he's a Navy Seals yeah I've heard that name he did a great thing with his book where he wrote a book but in the audio book he had his business partner read it and then he would talk about it afterwards oh okay like almost like a podcast form right right that's interesting yeah because the thing about these stories like the way I'm hearing you say him this is how I want to hear it in the book yeah I don't want to hear you read your book right right right saying like absolutely like it's almost like you'd be better off instead of writing a book if someone just transcribed what you're saying yeah yeah a lot of these i a lot of these stories i tell them stand up too yeah but if somebody could just get out of the way yeah like if you can get someone who can interview you who's not going to get in the way yeah yeah yeah like these conversations like just talk and then you just go with it and then that's a good point well technology's changing that game too that's a putting out the idea of like a multimedia book yes you know absolutely well this is what Goggins did he put his book out you could read the book right then the the audio version is the book plus so it's the book plus him explaining like these stories are actually fucking crazier than i'm even writing in the book there's more to each one of them well you know what's interesting about that the way i've written all three of my books with my buddy my my my the co -author anthony boza who wrote he's writing for emin he's writing emm's book right now and he wrote slash his book right before me Tommy Lee and he was writing a book with me and Courtney Love at the same time the kid almost jumped off a building he would listen to Courtney Love Ramble and then he'd come to me I'd be nodding off and then I was in Vegas the kid didn't know me was coming or going and he wanted to jump off the Chrysler building so so and he's got to require the two you to make a living oh my God he needs both of you oh my God when me and Nick DePaolo had our own radio show for a little bit.

[674] Yeah, I remember.

[675] And we got this big contract.

[676] And the first time we did stand up at the Tower Theater in Philly, Nick goes, yeah, my life's great.

[677] My entire future depends on Adi Lang.

[678] Well, that was the attitude that he had on the show, too.

[679] I watched because he used to be on television.

[680] Right, right, right.

[681] Who was the net?

[682] It was one of the networks that was on DirecTV.

[683] So I was watching.

[684] I was like, these two are not getting along.

[685] I know both of you.

[686] And Nick is such a grumpy old Italian now.

[687] It's so funny, but yeah, Yes, very funny.

[688] Great joke writer.

[689] No, absolutely.

[690] But, um, it's...

[691] Two you guys, though, it was a weird mix.

[692] Like, one guy is, like, this sort of grumpy guy who likes to complain about things.

[693] The other guy's getting high all the time.

[694] Gambling and everything that moves.

[695] That sounds great.

[696] It sounds great.

[697] Well, maybe you need a third person to, like, fucking mediate.

[698] Yeah, like a law enforcement official.

[699] Some of you, you both respect.

[700] Yeah.

[701] Uh, but, um, yes, so, so, so, so, The way we wrote the books was I would record, I would tell the stories like I'm telling them to you into a recorder.

[702] Right.

[703] And then we transcribe them.

[704] Yeah.

[705] And so it's almost like, you know, the premise was the way Mark Twain wrote like, like you write, like people talk.

[706] That's great, but the original recordings need to be preserved.

[707] That's something.

[708] Yeah, those recordings exist.

[709] Oh, see, that's, tell them the story.

[710] That's what you need to release.

[711] Like that, that's what everybody wants.

[712] You know, see, the polished, productive, produced version of these things.

[713] it's never as good when I try to polish myself it never works it doesn't work with anybody yeah that's what people love is like this this conversation we're having right now is just you talking right this is what people love like they know you have the story you can't wait to tell it oh wait let me tell you this yeah yeah boom it comes out and it's live it's like hanging out shooting pool don't it's alive it's alive and when it hits their ears it's alive yeah if there's something missing when people are trying to overproduce things and say that again already but this time oh no yeah well that's why the HBO show i did i did for a few years crashing apath i was really smart with that he just sort of let me tell talk yeah you know and it worked um that's a good point the stories are the stories are like it's not this stuff's not even the tip of the iceberg it's just like um it's it's chaos that i can't believe i put myself through i mean god god did spare me i should be dead a million times overdue in a lot of different ways you know a lot of just how it was well you're in a very unique position now because you did get through all that yeah because you did get through all that and now you're in nine months sobriety and you've got these great stories and you're funny than ever it's like it's a very weird position for you to be in because you can help a lot of people with this story I'd love to well again you know when you talk about the method thing with getting clean the 12 step program which a lot of people obviously if you're not in it you know it's a legendary iconic program A A &A and A but you don't really know what the 12 step is the premises once you get to the 12 step you by you helping other people it helps you in other words because that's what you're talking about that's a productive way to use your time yeah i'm going to go help this guy like someone in nal say there's a guy die and his family needs us and you don't even know the guy you go and you try to help him so by the end of helping him for five hours you maybe save him but you're also saving you because you do so the premises I'll give you this was very poignant one of the speakers at turning point this guy in rehab really explained it perfectly at the beginning Alcoholics Anonymous it's also a great story great American story a stockbroker and a doctor couldn't stop drinking and they realized just by talking to each other they could stop they helped each other so they devised these 12 steps so they will go around to hospitals this is in the mid -30s And they would say to the people of the hospital, is there anybody in the drunk ward, like a hopeless alcoholic?

[714] And they go, yeah.

[715] And they go, they'd have any family here.

[716] And they'd say, like, his wife is here.

[717] She's, you know, desperate.

[718] Can we talk to her?

[719] So they would go to the wife, the guy's in a hospital bed in alcoholic withdrawals, just a delirium.

[720] And they would say to her, listen, we found a cure for alcoholism.

[721] We think we found a cure for alcoholism.

[722] Can we talk to your husband?

[723] And she goes, you know what?

[724] I that sounds like a total fantasy to me you could try we've tried everything I don't know how you're going to cure him and they said no no you don't understand he's going to cure us like by talking to him we're going to get better like he's going to cure us and hopefully along the way he gets it wow you know so so that's that's like a simple premise but that's a stroke of genius in a way it's like you're using your time for something insanely productive and you know like you're a generous guy You like helping people.

[725] You're a good friend.

[726] You know, you get a little bit of a rush.

[727] You get a lot out.

[728] You get a lot out.

[729] I tell people I'm like a selfish, generous person.

[730] Right.

[731] Exactly.

[732] Well, they think, like the 12th step, they say it's true altruism where, you know, true altruism is, you know, not the way these big corporations give back.

[733] But you get nothing in return.

[734] Right.

[735] But in a way, that's bullshit because it helps you.

[736] You get something back.

[737] When I help people, I get a rush.

[738] That helps me. That feeling you get, if you give somebody you love a gift.

[739] The gift you're trying to give them is, look, we're trying to get you better.

[740] And by the time you spend all this time working on them, you've stayed clean.

[741] You know, it also does it, radiates.

[742] They'll do the same thing.

[743] Yeah.

[744] They realize that somebody helped them and that it helped you to help them.

[745] And then they'll do it to someone else and they'll feel it as well.

[746] And it also spreads the culture of being generous.

[747] Again, you're right on the money.

[748] That's very insightful because that's what A is.

[749] It's a domino effect.

[750] Yeah.

[751] The culture of being generous is very important.

[752] culture being friendly.

[753] You gotta get back.

[754] Culture being supportive.

[755] Yeah.

[756] The selfish people, they die alone.

[757] It's a fucking horrible way to live.

[758] Absolutely.

[759] There's a lot of wealthy people I've met through this business who are just angry motherfuckers.

[760] They're broken.

[761] And they don't have anyone to call on.

[762] There's no one, no one loves them.

[763] No one hugs them when they see absolutely.

[764] Nobody gets excited.

[765] You need that.

[766] Well, this business is a particular thing during the TV era, which I think is kind of gone.

[767] I think now we're in the internet era.

[768] The internet era is what's happened but the internet era is a much more generous era because it actually helps everybody to have all these shows and no one's competing against each other in a sense because you know it used to be like there was one host of the tonight show and everybody stabbed everybody to get that fucking job yeah and that was those late night war the movie with letterman the stories about cars now ruthless he has with joan rivers if you tried to go up yes i mean that's how everybody was that way like i think back then it was a famine mentality because there was such a few there's a few slots and there was hundreds of comics and everybody was just fucking fighting in the trenches with knives that was the no look again see you though as a good person with character that's your attitude which is great you live that lifestyle like in other what you're saying is important like this is the biggest podcast going if you were hosting the tonight show and look i've been on the tonight show with jimmy phallon a million times i kill every time but to have me on the mainstream and i love jimmy but to have me on a mainstream show talking like this there's consequences to that corporate wise yes they can't do it they were would fight you to have me on.

[769] Yes.

[770] So you're in a, you're in a situation where me and you were two guys who've known each other a long time who respect each other's work and his people.

[771] And I'm a guy, I mean, let's face it, I'm trying to get back on my feet.

[772] And you come to New York and you let me do this.

[773] That's huge.

[774] That's something you couldn't do.

[775] I came to New York a day early.

[776] That's why I'm here.

[777] I was supposed to land today at four in the afternoon.

[778] It's downright touching.

[779] Listen, I love you, man. I'm happy that you're doing great right now.

[780] And if I can help put some wind in your sense.

[781] sales and keep you moving in this great direction, I'm happy to.

[782] A lot of people tell me, like, you got a lot of, you got a lot of fans in rehab.

[783] Everybody goes, I heard John Rogan, I heard John Rogan, Rogan was talking about you, and it's always positive, and that, dude, that, that, that helps me get out of bed some days.

[784] It does, and I'm saying, your point is well taken.

[785] If you were hosting the Tonight Show, you have all these people bad, and you can't have Ardian right now, it's crazy right now, even though he needs to, but you're in this position, you can.

[786] You could do whatever you want.

[787] You can do whatever you want.

[788] And, well, we're here right now in Lewis's studio.

[789] Right.

[790] Because, I mean, I guess in some way we're supposed to be competitors or something like that.

[791] But we're not.

[792] No, Lewis and I, we're all friends.

[793] The podcast community is one of the most open, supportive communities.

[794] And comics now, every comic has a fucking podcast.

[795] And because of that, it's like everybody's supporting everybody.

[796] Right.

[797] Everybody's helping everybody.

[798] Hey, Dan Sodor's got a new HBO special.

[799] Everybody go watch it.

[800] Hey, you know, Ari Shafir's got this thing coming out.

[801] Everybody go check it out.

[802] everybody's helpful and everybody's supportive it also helps up to everybody you just mentioned they're good guys yeah you know but it's this community it's a different feeling that ever existed during those tonight show wars no not even close not even close not even close those guys hated each other they did even stern when stern with anybody in any other market I saw the Howard situation for for eight years that world and how it even says like you know Howard was this insane ball of talent and ambition and if you got in the way of that train man If you were his competitor, he would go after you, your family, everything, everything.

[803] It's, you know, I saw it at first hand, and you're talking about, it's, it's scary, but you're right, this is, that's a major positive about this situation.

[804] But I think even the way Howard did it, it's like, I don't think you could do it that way today.

[805] No way.

[806] Nobody would accept it.

[807] No way.

[808] No way.

[809] It's a different world.

[810] It's, there's a lot, there's a lot of people who would check them on it, you know, before it got.

[811] crazy but you know you talk about every comic everyone has a podcast I used to go to when I went to jail a couple of times I get my own cell and they go why does he have his own cell well because you know he's on a big radio show and then why do you want your own cell now because I have a podcast and the guard says well so do I have a podcast they do everyone has one you know I mean again everybody shoots video it's a very I mean look it also inspires a lot of talentless boars to do this shit so you got to have something you got have some sort of you know But it's open -ended.

[812] If you have something to offer and someone is a good person and you want to help them, you can do it with this platform.

[813] Yeah, and the entry, it's not expensive.

[814] Like, you need the iPhone and just some sort of a Lipsin account or something like that.

[815] Well, I'm starting another one.

[816] Yeah, I know.

[817] So it's beautiful.

[818] It's called Artie Lang's Halfway House.

[819] I love it.

[820] It's great.

[821] And the premise is these stories with Mike Boshetti and a lot of the guys I met in these crazy times with these crazy stories.

[822] They're the most unique stories on the planet.

[823] Well, you were doing a podcast from your apartment for a while, right?

[824] Yeah, for two years.

[825] But I was, you know, I was running, I was on drugs.

[826] I mean, okay, I did a, I did a podcast in my living room.

[827] I was late 18 times.

[828] Puerto Rican comedians were beating me in my kitchen.

[829] That's hilarious.

[830] That's hilarious.

[831] Yeah, I was late 18 times.

[832] That's hilarious.

[833] I wouldn't, you know, people are waiting outside.

[834] And I caught traffic by the bathroom, I would say.

[835] So that's how out of control it was.

[836] My friend Jay is one of the producers of the doctors, and they were going to fix your nose.

[837] Yeah.

[838] But they were worried that if they did it, they'd have to give you painkillers.

[839] Right.

[840] Well, that's a big thing, too.

[841] Like, with the drug court thing, if you get any type of surgery, they got to do paperwork.

[842] Also, the guy from botched wants to do it, too.

[843] I'm actually in a bidding war to fix my nose.

[844] What happened to it?

[845] A bunch of things.

[846] 30 years of drugs.

[847] Okay, you want to hear stories.

[848] First of all, a bookie I was dealing with a few years ago, had a guy who used to work for him who got this idea to try to get money out of me. And he sucker punched me at my.

[849] This kid was a 19 -year -old boxer.

[850] And I was going to my car one day.

[851] And he thought I was like, he saw me on TV.

[852] He thought I was like a billionaire.

[853] And I'm going to my car.

[854] And I hear, And the kid hits me with a right hand, right?

[855] I just like, I mean, like you can never get off on a regular fight, you know, like the way Tyson hit Trevor Burbank, you know.

[856] And right here, right here, right on my mind and collapse and collapse the bone right here.

[857] Knock me out for 10 minutes, at least 10 minutes.

[858] And, you know, that situation got solved the way it got solved.

[859] But, you know, I...

[860] What does that mean?

[861] Well, I just had to deal with it in my own way.

[862] I made up with the guy through, you know, intermediaries on the street.

[863] And everybody's fine, and we moved on.

[864] But the kid laid me out.

[865] The kid, I mean, it's a 19 -old.

[866] You got just boom.

[867] And so that's one thing.

[868] 30 years of drug use, but this is one of the craziest stories.

[869] So there was this stripper I used to go on the road with, and she would meet me in city.

[870] She was actually from Boston.

[871] She was from, she was from Southie, and she was hot.

[872] But when she, like, talked during sex, she sounded like Mark Wahlberg.

[873] That accent's so gross Fuck me, you wicked heart, fuck But she was beautiful And over the years Like I would meet her at hotels She would call me on the road And she was a drug addict We used to snort drugs together So we're at a hotel in St. Louis It's about five years ago now No, no less four years ago And we're snort an oxycoat So to snort the pills You gotta crush them up So we're in this hotel room this nice hotel room i got a show that night at a big theater and um uh i go i take a shower she takes out like like about about five pills and starts crushing them now as a nice hotel so we had room service the room service had a salt shaker that was glass so she couldn't crush one of the pills she takes she takes the salt shaker and starts hitting the pill with it and the salt shaker breaks glass breaks okay so then she takes uh a credit card and and you know makes it into a fine powder a fine dust not knowing there's all glass in in the powder she cuts out like four lines she gets called down to the desk to go to i bought her a gift so she goes down to get the gift i come out of the out of the bathroom i see the lines and i take a i take a pen that i cut down and i snort one of the lines and there's glass in it i snorted glass and oxy -coatin.

[874] Holy shit.

[875] So it sounded like a zipper.

[876] I just went, I saw one picture of your nose where it was enormously swollen.

[877] That's after the kid punched me. That was after the kid punched me. That was after the kid punched me. He tweeted it out.

[878] He was trying to be a jerk off.

[879] He took a picture of me with my phone and tweeted it.

[880] He had a bad plan, put it that way, to try to get money out of me. And the bookie, who, that's a long story.

[881] But anyway, that was after, got punched yeah so that got out all over the place yeah and again that's my life that's the chaos that was my life but I snorted a line oxycodone that all glass fine cut up glass it sounded like a zipper it just and then my nose just started to it just went nuts it's bleeding and I went to the hospital I had to cancel a show and I wanted to strangle a girl and that's what it caved in that it all that started the process if you watch the show crashing you I'm on that three seasons.

[882] You could see my nose morphing into what it is now like from a regular nose to like what it is now.

[883] And again, part of me I tell young kids, part of me doesn't want to get a fixed because every time I look in the mirror I go, this is a life.

[884] This is what happened to me. It's a reminder maybe to not fuck up again.

[885] Yeah.

[886] And maybe it tells kids that too.

[887] It's just such a dangerous thing to get it fixed and then to, be in that kind of intense pain and then have the temptation to take a pill the premise is while you're in the hospital you get what you need because you can't get it's an operation so they got to put you out they put you out yeah but then afterwards look i had my deviated septum fixed right and uh they gave me a couple different pain killers that i didn't use i i got out and i was i didn't use them when i had knee surgery either i don't like okay let me ask you something see this fascinates me so as a guy who gets obsessed with stuff right yeah and you feel that euphoria at that morphine drip yeah the the obsession over that feeling is not as strong as you not wanting to fuck your life up not even close yeah i know i know it feels great but my brain is like uh -uh okay out of here cover your cover your hand tuck your chin bob and weave get the fuck out of the corner right get out of there right okay here's what a drug here's what a drug addict is this is where they claim it's a disease i'm smart enough to realize that too but i do it anyway yeah i'm the direct opposite but i never i never got into the drugs at a young age.

[888] But still, you feel that feeling.

[889] You know what I mean?

[890] Like, like, you know, that's something like, like, you know, to me, the sick person is, why don't you want to feel like that, you know?

[891] Yeah.

[892] It's crazy.

[893] Like, some people have a, a painkiller prescription, all these pills in a bottle.

[894] They don't finish it.

[895] Yeah.

[896] That premise to me. Yeah.

[897] Yeah.

[898] I was like, I took percocets.

[899] I think it was percocet's when I had my first knee operation after the morphine drip.

[900] I got out to gave me perkinsets.

[901] I took it one day.

[902] and it was it made me so stupid okay i remember sitting on my couch going god i'm so dumb right now i can't think okay i got to i i i took in one day i counted because i was obsessed i took a hundred twenty three perkinset in one day oh my god so i got pancreatitis jesus christ i was on the liver list and then my liver came back i don't know again you talk about you were on the transplant list they they were about to put me on the list the doctor said to my family said to my mother and sister, he's going to need a liver.

[903] This is like, this is five years ago because I got out of control with the Percocets, which is why I went back to snort and I was trying to have to snort.

[904] I was taking them oral.

[905] For your health.

[906] Yeah, right.

[907] It's better for your liver.

[908] So once you snort the glass, how do they get it out of your nose?

[909] Well, I had to go, I went to the emergency room.

[910] I was in a hospital for like four days.

[911] What do they do?

[912] They cut it out?

[913] Yeah, they had to go in, they do a surgery where they knock you out, they got to go up and they clean it out.

[914] And then I had surgery again a couple years ago to do it.

[915] So there's no, like, I can breathe good and everything now.

[916] I don't know, you know, but again, it would take a piece of your rib.

[917] That's what they would do.

[918] They take your cartilage from in between your rib, which will eventually grow back.

[919] And then they would prop it up.

[920] They do it to fighters when they put their nose smack.

[921] I met the guy at the doctors.

[922] I went to go see him, the guy who does that way and he was like, I don't know.

[923] He goes, he never saw a worse nose.

[924] Wow.

[925] He looked in the nose.

[926] He goes, I never saw a worse nose.

[927] That's incredible.

[928] Congratulations.

[929] Yeah, I want to listen.

[930] I'm very goal -oriented.

[931] But if they did fix it, you know, the real issue would be what it feels like when you get out of the hospital.

[932] Right.

[933] And, you know, whether or not that would disrupt your progress enough, the point we would slip right back.

[934] Well, again, I'm making more mature decisions now because I could have went right into this.

[935] But, and again, the doctor had botched was cool about it too.

[936] You said, you need more clean time.

[937] At least a year before you even try it.

[938] Yeah.

[939] Well, good for him for thinking that way.

[940] Instead of just, it would be a big episode for them.

[941] And again, if I can't, if I couldn't breathe, it'd be one thing.

[942] But I can breathe all right.

[943] And like, you know, I never looked like David Beckham anyway.

[944] What do I care?

[945] It's got to give you some material on stage as well.

[946] Absolutely.

[947] I'd say, stop to smell the roses in life and they had cocaine on them.

[948] It's, it's been an odyssey of craziness.

[949] My life has just been an odyssey of craziness.

[950] Now, we tried to do this in L .A. One of the reasons why I had to come to New York is they wouldn't.

[951] your parole officer would not let you get on the probation I'm on doesn't let you travel you can't leave the state more than 24 hours so when you go to do a gig like in come back that night I used to do that anyway right I used to I don't love staying like Poughkeepsie I'm in Poughkeepsie tonight right and it's a two hour you know and I'm coming right back yeah I like that one show the other thing I used to get you know whenever I tried to come back I'd get greedy and I would start doing two three shows a night for the money I'm doing I do one show mostly in a night so you don't get burnt out I do you know You time it out, you pace out, your energy, you do the one show, and I come back.

[952] I think the, I mean, because the money is good enough.

[953] What do I, you know what I mean?

[954] Right, don't get crazy.

[955] Yeah, don't get crazy.

[956] Don't put your health at risk.

[957] Don't stress yourself out.

[958] The good thing is, is that, you know, that's sort of matured thinking you have about not wanting to fuck up your life.

[959] I'm starting every, each day I get more and more to thinking that way.

[960] So it's improving still.

[961] Even though you're nine months in.

[962] It's a constant.

[963] I mean, that's like to like endurance, like you're strengthening your endurance.

[964] your resolve mentally more than anything yeah well that's it's almost all mental at this point it is yeah at this point it is uh you know you just got a i mean again something spared me and i'm 52 i i would love my legacy to be someone that help people but you know even more so you already have whether you realize it or not and i guarantee you if you keep going you will i hope so you will no it's 100 % if you if you keep going with these stories with your your personality and your sense of humor this is 100 % going to help people and not just a few fucking millions of people you know Robert daddy junior uh I I when the paperback version of my first book came out I wrote a a paragraph about him to where you know again about the the ruthlessness of show business people say show business is very forgiving well if you're that talented of an actor like Robert downy junior they let you come back yeah uh and um through his assistant he contacted me and um was so nice like you know and again at this point he was iron man you know and um he you know and i'm this comedian he's a big stern fan he had read the book and he appreciated that i that i was complimented to him in the book and again there's an example to 12 step stuff he really was like he goes i'm through he said basically to me i'm here for you if you need me i'm here for you joe walsh from the eagles who i met through the stern show same thing you know that's amazing you know like like these guys are like because it um it helps them it helps everybody so so robert downy helped me in a way just by knowing that he got better because you talk about chaos his life was i remember talking about him on a start show when he got found you know the stripper with the wonder woman outfit and crystal metal you know stripper dressed like wonder woman and crystal meth and somebody else's house like you know but i've always wondered like a guy like that that's so fucking talented he's he's talented in this weird explosive sort of creepy he's a unique he's a unique guy if you watch his movies even though he's in a shit movie he's great yeah like he always look at what he's doing he makes unique choices as an actor but i've always wondered if like the engine behind that is the same engine of addiction absolutely impulsive wild reckless sort of energy and now he just contains it in progress and success like he's constantly working i mean i don't know him personally just just through that contact i just told you about but uh it seems like he's like way into the program of a yeah right now You know, I mean, and again, it's also like the premise of going to a meeting in an A meeting.

[965] I try to go to five or six a week now, and that's not even, you know, they want you to go to 90 and 90.

[966] There's a lot of comedians in recovery, you know, I won't mention who they are, but, you know, it's an anonymous thing.

[967] But there's so many guys where 20 years ago there was a stigma attached to it, there's not anymore.

[968] I think people understand now.

[969] It's not being weak.

[970] People used to think it's weak.

[971] It's like these are behavior patterns, their thought patterns, and you get stuck in a rut of them.

[972] You get, there's a smooth carved path that your behavior just slides or it in and goes.

[973] And it's hard to hit those fucking breaks and stop that path.

[974] Yeah.

[975] And you use the behaviors to manipulate.

[976] Like if you have a talent, like a sense of humor, you know, it's funny.

[977] One of my POs said to me, uh, you're going to tell me you never use your sense of humor to obtain drugs.

[978] I go, I don't know what drug dealers you know, but they don't accept jokes as payment.

[979] Like listen, noodles.

[980] I want that ounce of cocaine.

[981] I have no cash, but knock, knock.

[982] Well, you're not going to work.

[983] You use your sense of humor to get the money to buy the drugs, indirectly.

[984] What the people, the task evaluators, a drug court, and a lot of these rehabs do is they link exactly what you just said.

[985] They link every behavior back to drug use.

[986] Like, why act in this way?

[987] Why being charming?

[988] If you could be charming, some people can't be charming.

[989] Some people just rob you.

[990] Yeah.

[991] Well, I was talking with this about this, with a friend of mine recently, about girls, about like basically every comic really became funny.

[992] because they were trying to figure out a way to get girls to like them.

[993] That's the first thing, pussy.

[994] 100%.

[995] I mean, with men, you try to explain it to women.

[996] Like, for me, like, you're up to about 11 or 12.

[997] All you want to do is hit a home run in Little League.

[998] And then one summer, you see a set of tits or something.

[999] And then it's all about pussy.

[1000] That's it.

[1001] You just got to try to get pussy.

[1002] Yeah.

[1003] And then that is talk about an addiction.

[1004] Yeah.

[1005] Oh, my God.

[1006] And then if you get involved, like the girl I was telling you about, if you get involved with a chick who's got a drug problem, with opioids and is good -looking to who you want to fuck.

[1007] You're talking about Adolf Hitler.

[1008] Chicks are manipulative already.

[1009] But if you have a pussy and a drug problem, what do Richard Pryor say?

[1010] He goes, I don't know why bitches is always complaining.

[1011] They got half the money and all the pussy.

[1012] That Richard Pryor, that's Socrates type shit.

[1013] That sums up life.

[1014] That literally should be on his fucking grave.

[1015] They got half the money and all the pussy.

[1016] I'll give you another story.

[1017] Okay, you're ready?

[1018] this is being a drug addict I was with this other girl at Martha's Vineyard this is like 20 years ago and I went to visit John Belushi's grave on a big Belushi fan I had an eight ball of Coke on me and everybody at Belushi's grave I was in Paris once where I got arrested for drunkenness but anyway they do this at Jim Morrison's grave people leave bottles of booze like heroin needles sometimes loaded on Jim Morrison's grave so people have beers and everything on Belushi's grave so I took the eight ball of coke out and I took half of it And I left a couple of rocks on top of Belushi's headstone at like three in the afternoon.

[1019] And I said, that's on me, John.

[1020] 4 o 'clock of the morning, I went back and got it.

[1021] It was still there?

[1022] Yeah.

[1023] At 4 o 'clock in the morning, me and the girl ran out of Coke.

[1024] And I said, is it raining?

[1025] She goes, why?

[1026] I go, come.

[1027] We're going to go back.

[1028] Oh, my God.

[1029] I went back and got the cocaine.

[1030] Oh, my God.

[1031] He didn't need any more.

[1032] I don't think so.

[1033] The gesture was already in place.

[1034] Could you imagine, though, the retarded, the level of retardant.

[1035] that is your life at that point i'm with a girl at four in the morning and i go is it raining she goes why because i left the coke on the thing and we're both hoping he can get you know oh my god another another guy a young kid the other great thing about a a meetings is you you will someone could say the most profound thing from any walk of life like some some professor who's a genius and mit could be in a meeting with a cook at a at a at a diner and the cook says something because he's got a different perspective on it this kid said once who was a janitor.

[1036] The best part about cocaine is going to get it.

[1037] And that is totally, that's the smartest fucking thing.

[1038] It sounds so simple, but when you hear someone has it, you go, I always said, I'm surprised a lawyer, a prosecutor hasn't tried to convict somebody on this yet.

[1039] They called DUI driving under the influence.

[1040] You're totally under the influence of drugs driving to get them.

[1041] I don't care if they're in your body yet.

[1042] You're under the influence of drugs.

[1043] You want to get high.

[1044] You're speeding to get to the dealer.

[1045] So if you kill a kid, on the way to get Coke they're going to test you it's not in your body but you were totally on the influence of Coke you know I mean I mean that's like I you know I'm for You might just have opened up a whole new can of worms I don't want my brothers to get over it But I'm saying like am I under the influence It's not in me but it's I'm influenced by I completely yeah And it is it's like it's like a kid on Christmas morning if you're a drug addict You anticipate that See I equated it with fun The gambling you know Yeah Because what's gambling it's just instant fun You're bored to death.

[1046] Now, you're still watching sports?

[1047] Yeah, I don't like it as much.

[1048] Of course not.

[1049] I used to bet, again, I like pure gambling.

[1050] People who, uh, people who bet on stuff and handicap it, that's like a job.

[1051] Who wants a job?

[1052] I don't want a job.

[1053] I don't have to do research on a fucking game.

[1054] I just want to bet.

[1055] Find out who's injured.

[1056] Yeah, yeah, I don't want to do any of that shit.

[1057] That's not action.

[1058] Right, right, right.

[1059] Because then you kind of know what might happen.

[1060] Right.

[1061] I used to, I used to go to the Mirage sports book in Vegas.

[1062] They have a line on everything.

[1063] You could bet on two kids playing wiffle ball in Minnesota at the Mara.

[1064] They have a line on everything.

[1065] It's just heaven for gamblers.

[1066] So I would bet on sports I knew nothing about it, and then do cocaine.

[1067] And like 4 o 'clock in the morning, I'm going around at people at the bar going, hey, do you see the high school lacrosse scores?

[1068] I got Ramapo versus Don Bosco prep.

[1069] I would bet on lacrosse because I knew nothing about it.

[1070] Wow.

[1071] I would put each Super Bowl from 2004 to 11.

[1072] I had 10 grand on the coin toss and seven of the times I probably five times I probably lost so before to kick off I was down 10 grand now how far behind are you if you all lifetime if you want to look at lifetime gambling how far just gambling yeah yeah because everybody's behind like I don't know any point two million wow probably 3 .2 million is where I've lost gambling holy shit if I had to be I do that math in my head a couple of things, you know, yeah.

[1073] I'd say I'm not about three, over three million dollars.

[1074] Three point two is very specific.

[1075] Yeah, because I, I updated it in my head.

[1076] Because I'm obsessed about that too.

[1077] You talk about, you know, to lose that much money, you got to bet on the Jets a lot.

[1078] I had an uncle.

[1079] I had an uncle.

[1080] I used to do this joke in my eye.

[1081] My uncle was a degenerate gambler.

[1082] And he said, you know what, when I was a kid, I was into the Jets.

[1083] And then I got into girls.

[1084] and then I got back into the Jets because I realized there's times when a girl won't fuck you but the Jets will always fuck you and he's so right you know so you can't figure it out I don't want to like the coin tosses pure gambling heads are fucking tails 10 ,000 when that's about to happen I can't describe it what's the rush when it gets heads and you call the heads it's like pussy it's almost like it's not like pussy but it's something it's close to it yeah and then so now how do I keep that fucking going and when you were on stern too it came up so it was almost kind of encouraged because it was well again Howard gets a bad rap sometimes I don't mean encouraged by him but I mean again Howard tried to help me a lot and he was he was good to me I just he didn't like again when you're in a junkie's life eventually you don't know what to do right you don't know what to do if you don't live that life like Howard and I a lot of our rapport on the air worked because he was the most disciplined human being ever and I was the most undisciplined.

[1085] It was like the odd couple.

[1086] So he, from the first time I went in there with Norm McDonald's, I had the story about getting arrested at me at TV.

[1087] He just, he goes, I said, I love out of control guys are fun.

[1088] Yeah.

[1089] So when I got on the show, it's four and a half hours you're filling every day.

[1090] It was part of my life.

[1091] So I would talk about going to Vegas and gambling and, you know, but I'm on the air.

[1092] The camera's always on you on that show.

[1093] So I'm on the air committing felonies.

[1094] Like, like I got, I'm talking to bookies, dealers, hookers.

[1095] There was a guard there.

[1096] After Heath Ledger died as a joke, I said I had the same dealer as Heath Ledger as a joke.

[1097] And it was a joke.

[1098] The DEA shows up at Stern with the windbreakers on.

[1099] It says, we've got to talk to Artie.

[1100] Pull me out throwing a commercial.

[1101] I'm like, I'm at work, bro.

[1102] And they said, and I was joking around.

[1103] I told him I was joking around.

[1104] And one of the guards who worked there said, Arty, man, you are one entertain and fuck up.

[1105] He goes, the guard was like, he told him what so.

[1106] He goes, the DEA.

[1107] The fucking DEA is it?

[1108] He goes, you on a Howard's third show, baby.

[1109] You made it.

[1110] You made it.

[1111] This motherfucker's a gangster.

[1112] The DEA.

[1113] And Howard just looked at me. He gave me to look Greg Geraldi gave me. In my head, I sometimes when I think of Greg, you know, you have all these moments.

[1114] but like just great that moment that one moment aren't you fat fucking drug addict you can't kiss farrah force who tells another guy that and the crazy thing is if you see Greg on stage you see with the microphone you would never think he's out of control no because he was so smart writing was so good he seemed so educated and smooth here's it okay the last movie Chris Farley ever did was dirty work so I'm in the movement And right after Dirtywick, right before he passed away, he hosted Saturday Night Live.

[1115] So Norm was still doing a weekend update.

[1116] So Norm caught me up and said, listen, Farley's out of control with Coke.

[1117] Come to the party after the show because you got to help me watch him.

[1118] Like that's how bad he was.

[1119] You had to help watch him.

[1120] I had to help watch him.

[1121] So this is how fast Norm is, though.

[1122] This is a testament to Norm's wit.

[1123] So I'm at the party and Norm is talking to somebody.

[1124] And I'm watching Chris.

[1125] I'm on Coke.

[1126] I'm coked up.

[1127] So, so, I see Farley disappear into a bathroom with Andy Dick.

[1128] Oh boy.

[1129] Okay, him and Andy go into a bathroom.

[1130] Yeah.

[1131] They come out five minutes later, they're giggling.

[1132] Norm comes over to me and goes, what's going on with Chris?

[1133] I go, bad news, bro.

[1134] He goes, what, I go, he went to a bathroom with Andy Dick.

[1135] I said, there's only two reasons a man goes into a bathroom with Andy Dick.

[1136] And neither one of them's good.

[1137] And Norm looked at me without Mr. Beat and said, holy fuck, I hope he's high.

[1138] I don't see Norm say that Holy fuck I hope he's high That's a great impression of Norm Holding his stomach Good news he was high Chris Farley showed up on the set of news radio One day to visit Andy Yeah, I'm sure he did He had the complexion of wet cardboard I've never seen a man look more unhealthy Dude, I went to a strip club with him in Toronto.

[1139] He shot the movie in Toronto.

[1140] He had chicks hanging out of.

[1141] I mean, he was just like, oh, we're out of control.

[1142] When he died and that chick took a picture of him.

[1143] Well, we were, yeah.

[1144] Foam coming out of his mouth, laying on the ground.

[1145] Yeah.

[1146] That's where you knew it was going to end.

[1147] That's the people you're around.

[1148] Exactly.

[1149] Exactly.

[1150] Yeah.

[1151] It's like, yeah.

[1152] So one quick Mitch Hedberg story.

[1153] So I opened up for Mitch Hedberg like 22 years ago.

[1154] And he comes up to me after the show and he goes, hey, Idy, man, you're a fat guy.

[1155] I go, that's what he said.

[1156] I go, I can lose a couple, but what are you talking about?

[1157] He goes, I wrote a joke that I can't do because I'm not fat, but I give it to you.

[1158] He goes, you know, when you're a kid and they tell you to wait a half an hour after he eat before you go swimming?

[1159] And I'm like, yeah, he goes, you should say you've never been swimming because it's never been more than a half an hour since you last eight.

[1160] And I go, that's a great joke.

[1161] And I can have that joke.

[1162] He goes, yeah.

[1163] So then he comes back and he was smoking a lot of weed.

[1164] So he comes back, totally serious.

[1165] He goes, hey, man, you're right.

[1166] That is a good joke.

[1167] I'll make you deal.

[1168] If I gained like a hundred pounds before you do that on TV, I get the joke.

[1169] I'm like, whatever.

[1170] So, okay, so cut to like a month later.

[1171] I'm with Norm McDonald having dinner with people.

[1172] And Norm does that joke about me. He goes, hey, man, it's, uh, Artie's never been swimming.

[1173] It's never more than a half an hour since he last day.

[1174] I'm like, where the fuck did you hear that joke?

[1175] He goes, he goes, I heard a fat guy do it at the comedy store.

[1176] I go, really?

[1177] So I see Mitch a two weeks later.

[1178] I go, Mitch, what the fuck, bro?

[1179] You gave me that joke.

[1180] Norm said he saw a fat guy do it at the comedy.

[1181] He's all fucked up and he goes, hey, all right, man, you know, listen, I'm sorry.

[1182] You know, I get fucked up a lot.

[1183] I forget shit.

[1184] I probably gave that to a lot of fat guys.

[1185] He was the weirdest joke writer ever because it was all silly non -sequiters.

[1186] Everything was a non -sequitur.

[1187] No bits transferred into other bits.

[1188] Just joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke.

[1189] It's great to watch Mitch.

[1190] Like, I get such a kick out of watching him now do a set where he starts off bombing.

[1191] like he'll tell the joke and the audience doesn't get it and he'll go like okay you guys don't like me yet I'll keep trying and then he gets him and then the first big laugh he gets he's like a little kid he goes yeah he was my favorite to listen to listen to his album on the way to the airport because LAX traffic is so horrible but it was so silly yeah it's silly and smart at the same time smart and silly one of my favorite jokes ever is somebody said do you want a frozen banana i said no but i want a regular banana later so yes it's such a fucking ridiculous joke it's perfect it's so ridiculous yeah well he did a joke once he did this joke on tv somewhere and you could almost tell he paused before he did it because he got in a lot of trouble he goes my fedex dealer is a my fedex man is a drug dealer and he doesn't know it yeah i mean that's like fucking you know i Or how about like, I used to do drugs.

[1192] I still do drugs, but I used to do too.

[1193] Well, the crazy thing about him is he would do, you know, an hour, 10 minutes of that.

[1194] Like, how the fuck do you remember what you said and don't say when you're on heroin?

[1195] No, not, not.

[1196] Well, that's the thing.

[1197] I forget shit all the time.

[1198] Like I said, like I bet on the other team.

[1199] Yes.

[1200] With the bookie.

[1201] I would bet on the other team.

[1202] But he was high when he was doing shows, right?

[1203] And at the end, the last time I saw it, Mitch was two weeks before he died at Stern.

[1204] And then I went to go see him at Carolines.

[1205] and like you're watching this this genius shell a shell literally a shell like he was he was you know taking drugs from people in the audience pills I took a birth control pill once because I thought it was a Viking and some woman gave me a pill I don't have the baby it worked but he was like scratching at the walls and shit I'll give you a one more quick norm thing so when dirty work came out I got awful reviews and the reviewer in my hometown paper said Artie Lang has all the charm of a date rapist That's what it said So Norm goes like this He goes Hey man That's fucking great I go why He goes A date rapist Has to have Way more charm Than a regular rapist And that made me feel better Yeah so I mean listen I'm alive I don't know how Look you're healthy You're happy You know One of the things that I've noticed When I started seeing you Do these little Instagram videos.

[1206] It's like your eyes.

[1207] Your eyes are there.

[1208] Your present.

[1209] That was what was interesting.

[1210] There was a sparkle to your eyes that wasn't there the last time that I saw you.

[1211] Right.

[1212] Well, everything changes, man. You look at someone's eyes, especially if you're like amphetamine and stuff, they become peed.

[1213] Yeah.

[1214] You know, yeah, you're putting poison in your body.

[1215] So, you know, I stopped doing that.

[1216] Listen, if you ever need anything from me, I'm here.

[1217] Just just reach out.

[1218] Actually, my mother's got glaucoma.

[1219] You know, that guy you have on the show, David Sinclair?

[1220] Yes.

[1221] I need a contact for him because my mother needs that optic nerve thing.

[1222] She heard about it.

[1223] Yeah, I don't know what they're doing with that yet.

[1224] They've got something where they're going to inject bacteria that somehow or another altered into your eye and it's going to fix people's vision.

[1225] Yeah, well, that's how wide your audience is.

[1226] My mom said, oh, Joe Rogan had a guy on about optic nerve.

[1227] Yeah, it's very interesting stuff.

[1228] I got a David Sinclair's the name.

[1229] Yeah.

[1230] I got to get the number from you.

[1231] Okay, yeah.

[1232] But listen, Joe, thanks, bro.

[1233] Listen, I love you, man. I'm happy to see you this way.

[1234] I love you, too.

[1235] I'm glad we did this.

[1236] I'm happy we did and thank you for it.

[1237] Thanks for taking a time.

[1238] My pleasure.

[1239] All right.

[1240] Bye, everybody.

[1241] Yay.