#74 - Allison Sciulla

[0] And Allison...

[1] Speaking of $10 hookers.

[2] What the fuck did he say?

[3] What are you about to say?

[4] No, how rude.

[5] We're here with Allison, ladies of gentlemen.

[6] Allison, I don't even know your last name.

[7] Allison Shula.

[8] Allison Shula.

[9] Allison Shula.

[10] I know her as Allison Rocks from Twitter, R -O -X.

[11] And she's Brian's friend, and she's a young and upcoming stand -up comedian doing the fucking Hollywood shuffle out here making it happen, making it real.

[12] She's a very cool chick, and she rides motorcycles.

[13] She's fucking crazy.

[14] She's a lokster.

[15] she's been brought into this world to slap Brian into gear slap him in place before we get started with anything entertaining this weekend Ari and I are going to be at the West Palm Beach Improv it's the 28th, 29th and 30th and oh Brian's going to be there too we're going to have a big party and if you don't get mad at Brian if he's behind you making faces while you're taking pictures with me I kind of stopped doing that later you did stop doing it but really you've done it for six years years, six plus years and maybe taking 150 ,000 pictures you've really, for real might have taken 150 ,000 pictures if not more than that.

[16] Think about all the UFCs, all the comedy shows for six years over and over and over and hundreds of people in like that crazy baffase if you have any of these pictures where can people send them?

[17] We should create a Gmail.

[18] We had one on Myspace for a while until you, did you end up deleting it?

[19] No, I can't.

[20] I try to delete it.

[21] They won't let me. These fucks.

[22] MySpace are so tricky they're like, yeah, we'll get back to you with an email.

[23] It's like a girl that you can never break up with.

[24] I'll call you back and then we'll break up.

[25] The bitch never calls you back.

[26] You should make a tab on your web page that just has those photos, like a photo gallery.

[27] Yeah, we should, totally.

[28] No, they're hilarious.

[29] Dude, you know what's not funny?

[30] Three of them.

[31] You know what's funny?

[32] 300 ,000 of them.

[33] That's when it gets funny.

[34] It becomes hilarious because it was just, you just fucking committed to that shit for so long.

[35] Like, I would be like, this guy's a monster.

[36] He's fucking, people give up on shit.

[37] They have a silly idea and then they give up on it.

[38] Brian will fucking ride that.

[39] boat right into the rocks.

[40] He hits the beach.

[41] He's still in the boat.

[42] Boom.

[43] It has to hit the rocks before he stops.

[44] He's a determined little fella.

[45] He gets crazy ideas and he says, well, that's why his videos are so good.

[46] Because if he wasn't so determined, he wouldn't keep going.

[47] He has like all this cool footage and he puts it together, but that's not enough.

[48] He always has to add like a million different things and sound tweaks and very underappreciated.

[49] It's like dry.

[50] People with motivation.

[51] It's like really nice when you meet people like that.

[52] Yeah, we're going to figure out a way to make money off your fucking video skills, dude.

[53] Because you're, look at other people's videos online and I look at your videos.

[54] Dude, you got some fucking mad talent when it comes to video editing.

[55] The big problem though is that when I do it, I do so many layers and so many little things that no one will ever know notice.

[56] You know, it's just like in my head like crazy person.

[57] So like if I were to ever do that, they do notice.

[58] Yeah, I guess.

[59] There's a, there's a artistic quality to these videos.

[60] It's fun it makes it's an extra layer it's like it's like the the nuttiness and when you're sipping wine I taste I taste oak it squeezes the last brain juice out of my brain though and after I do one of those I just want to fucking cry you don't want to do one for a long time I've been with Brian on both times of where he's kicked the power to his computer and lost his project yeah because the whole thing shuts down twice because my fucking office sucks because you got numb feet motherfucker you know where you're walking well yours is actually pretty good but like underneath my desk it's just every single wire and a power cord like this is updated this is updated that's one of the reasons why I wanted to get those cord ties we got cord we redid the whole thing you don't give a fuck because you're just listening most of you but we for the longest time I just figured well I'll make it look like a living room and we'll sit around and so I got couches but couches fucking suck you know like if you're sitting up and you're trying to talk to people like these are comfortable yeah way better this is way better so we got office chairs we got a circular snort cocaine off this table I totally do that dude we should start bad habits I've been living my life good for too long start dumb to start fucking up I don't know about these cigarettes yeah you don't know about them yeah I kind of want to be like well like to go like yeah you know what I think we're gonna have to do we're gonna have to get those ones that you have like on the radio like when you go to Opie and Anthony have like a mechanical arm yeah we gotta get an arm yeah I have those at my house they always break but I think I got cheap ones so maybe they make better ones yeah we just gotta talk to someone when we do radio in West Palm we'll find out where they buy their arms We'll hook it up Let me sleep It's gonna be fucking crazy So please tell me What you were telling me Before we started the podcast Where I made you stop Because it was so ridiculous We had to talk about this in the air John Travolta Oh John Travolta is starring In the new Gotti movie He plays John Gotti As the lead role Okay listen This had to have been A plot by the government Well God he's dead right He died in prison didn't he?

[61] I was like saying They were just trying to fuck with him They're trying to kill him while he's in jail Is Sammy the government Is he still alive?

[62] I don't know Dude I remember when I was a kid And this whole John Gotti thing was going down I guess I wasn't too kid like I guess I was in my 20s when he was in his prime And it was so weird I was like I didn't understand it It was like he was so mocking of the law enforcement Just walking down the street With fucking you know Ten thousand dollars suits on And getting in the limousines And it was like whoa like this guy doesn't he's he's ridiculous i watched a documentary on like history channel that's not how they're supposed to do it interesting the whole thing about the the mob was that they were all like in the on the d l like everybody was staying like vincent the chin gigante he's a famous mobster you know one of the reasons why he's famous because he pretended to be he was running everything but he pretended to be completely insane because he knew they were after him so he would walk around with slippers on and a bathrobe over his clothes just walked on the street and talked to himself and he would do it all fucking day.

[63] And the captive police away or people away?

[64] Well, he's crazy.

[65] You can't say he's not crazy.

[66] So everything he says is fucking useless.

[67] This guy's nuts.

[68] Does he or does he not?

[69] Walk down the street in his underwear talking to himself all day long every day.

[70] Yes, Your Honor, he does, but I don't think that.

[71] There's no more talking.

[72] This guy walks in his underwear.

[73] Well, we think he's faking it.

[74] How can you prove?

[75] Then everybody's faking it.

[76] They just want free food.

[77] They don't want free food in a bed.

[78] There's no crazy people.

[79] They're just pretending to be crazy so you take care of them.

[80] You know, you can't say that.

[81] You can't judge whether or not someone's crazy But whoever fucking thought that John Travolta Should be John Gotti That motherfucker's crazy That's funny though It's revenge from the government Yeah, that's hilarious And let's see Who could we make his son?

[82] Oh, his son is being cast by The guy Justin Bieber James Franco Which you who also has some gaydar action Going on his side Didn't he play a gay guy in that movie?

[83] Harvey Mill He played it very well Did he?

[84] Well, you know, so did Sean Penning He's heterosexual I'm just kidding.

[85] That's just me hating.

[86] No, it is you hating.

[87] But it is true.

[88] Your DNA repulses you from the idea of kissing men, even if it's for a fucking movie.

[89] You know, it's like, I got good news and bad news.

[90] Oh, okay, hit me with the good news.

[91] Dude, you're going to be a fucking movie star.

[92] Shut up.

[93] For real?

[94] Like a fucking movie?

[95] Like, who am I playing with?

[96] Dude, you're playing with Sean Penn. Shut the fuck up.

[97] I'm co -starring with Sean Penn. Dude, what's up?

[98] Well, what's up is he gets to fuck you in this movie.

[99] What's up is you have to make out with Sean Penn. Could you imagine?

[100] He always wanted to work with Sean Penn. He's just a brilliant actor.

[101] I always imagine standing there.

[102] Like with him at an award show.

[103] We're both wearing suits and shit.

[104] We thank the academy.

[105] We're all respected and loved.

[106] And here this motherfucker is right there at the door, right at the gate.

[107] But now he's going to make out with Sean Penn. What would you do?

[108] I would not do it.

[109] No, I'm not interested in acting.

[110] Yeah.

[111] If acting to me, it would have to be something really fun.

[112] Like, I would love to play like Wolverine in an X -Men movie.

[113] You know, if there wasn't already a guy that played it.

[114] Like, if they offered me something like, down i'd be like dude i'd love to be wolverine i'd get on roids to play wolverine you know but like that would be a badass wolverine by the way that'd be crazy i would love to do that because i've seen you just training to do what that wesley snipes fight that never happened and you became a crazy badass and i can't even imagine like throwing wolverine into the mix that would have been so much fun that wesley snipes thing obsessed me for like two months i'm really lucky that that didn't happen because if i if i went out fighting him and liking it and then 10 years from now i'm just fucking completely gone just forgetting where I leave my keys every five minutes you know you're not supposed to start fighting when you're like 43 where I was I was 36 then or 37 then that's what's crazy about this Herschel Walker character you know Herschel Walker football player you know the story behind this swipe this this guy's 48 years old okay Heisman trophy winner super athlete just a fucking prime example of like perfect athleticism but this was a long time ago a long long long long long time ago.

[115] And in this whole time where he hasn't been playing football, which has been a few years, he stayed in insane shape.

[116] I mean, the guy's like super fucking dedicated to training.

[117] And now he's like 48 years old.

[118] It's going to be 49 soon, and he's fighting this weekend on Strike Force on Showtime.

[119] He's become like an MMA fighter.

[120] It's kind of fucking crazy.

[121] But it's okay because he can still fight and all that, but he's just not going to repair his fast.

[122] If he gets injured.

[123] He's an amazing shape.

[124] It just doesn't even make sense.

[125] There was no 48 -year -olds that were built like that when I was a kid.

[126] When you were 48, you were someone's dad, and maybe had like old man strength in your arms but you probably had a pot belly you know or at least a little bit of a gut and you know you're probably scary because you would you know you would you would hit someone first but no one looked like fucking herschel walker right he doesn't look like an old man that you shouldn't fuck with but it looks like this he looks ridiculous full fucking eight pack just totally shredded not an ounce of fat on his body and here's the crazy shit he says he only eats soup and salad he has one meal a day like everything about this guy screams that he's a fucking alien.

[127] Or bullshit.

[128] Yeah.

[129] We only eat super salable.

[130] You can't have super salable.

[131] That doesn't make any sense.

[132] It's all water soluble.

[133] He'd be dying.

[134] He needs some meat.

[135] Yeah.

[136] Well, what is water soluble?

[137] Like, yeah, you would need protein, right?

[138] Right through.

[139] Yeah.

[140] Salad right through.

[141] Soup.

[142] It's liquid, you know.

[143] What's he doing?

[144] That's crazy, right?

[145] But why does he say that?

[146] Well, here's the other thing about it.

[147] Because he wants to help up his game.

[148] That, that probably.

[149] But, well, he's obviously fucking insanely dedicated.

[150] But he might be crazy.

[151] Like, for legit crazy.

[152] Like, he's like had like a bunch of mental, a bunch of mental health issues in the past, the point where he has like some sort of a, he has more than one personality.

[153] What is that?

[154] Multiple personality disorder?

[155] So maybe the part that works out is different than the part that talks and the part that talks doesn't get access to all the information.

[156] I should date this guy.

[157] It sounds like every chick you've ever dated, period.

[158] It's a funny thing when you find yourself dating a crazy person just to get some posting.

[159] Every guy's done it, Allison.

[160] I think it goes both ways, because I've had my share crazies.

[161] Is it just to have a boyfriend Like fuck out No, it's like Where they are cool for six months And then all of a sudden it's like What happened to you?

[162] Like they get comfortable with you And know how like What doesn't freak you out So then they start being their weird ass selves And then you're like Where do the cool person go That I started going on?

[163] Right Like well there is some kind of game When you first start dating Where you're trying to be cooler Than you are And it works for a while with them And then you start farting The key in life is to become that person Become that person who when you first meet somebody Yeah you can It's just we get lazy You know you really are that person At your very best Unless you're just a complete sociopath And you're absolutely bullshitting about it I fucking love dogs Meanwhile you're deathly allergic You know you could be one of those nuts But if not you know That's what everybody should aspire to right You should aspire to be the person That you pretend you are when you're trying to get laid Yeah I could have that creamer in my coffee But I said you know I'm allergic to milk Why would you take creamer?

[164] Nobody gives you shit If you have a creamer in your coffee or not It's actually more of a bold choice If you have no cream Whenever someone wants black coffee I'm like you don't even give a fuck about flavor Yeah I know You're so crazy I started drinking coffee black I've been trying to sneak dairy into her diet without her knowing lately just because she's allergic to dairy ladies and gentlemen yeah well she has this thing you know she's like if someone ever farted around me I would just in that relationship I wouldn't matter who who would be and stuff like that so now I'm like oh yeah we can see what happens if you start shitting yourself yeah so what you were trying to do is get her sick because she won't let you fart in front of right wow what a grown up by the way that guy's 36 I'm just kidding I'm kind of a grown ass man Brian's a grod -ass man. I'm in over my head right now.

[165] And he's trying to get you to fart.

[166] I was just acting like that crazy person.

[167] Oh, okay.

[168] No, I don't think they act out logically.

[169] Yeah, that's pretty thought out.

[170] You had like a nice route.

[171] That's premeditated.

[172] Yeah.

[173] I'm going to jail for a lot longer from that shit.

[174] You think?

[175] Yeah, you got to walk around in your underwear and pretend you're crazy.

[176] Bill?

[177] I don't even like milk.

[178] It's illegal.

[179] You have to come up with some reason for people to think you're crazy.

[180] No, my mom would ask me, Alison, do you think you're lactose intolerant or is it all in your head?

[181] And I'm like, why the fuck would it be all in my head doing that to myself?

[182] It's people that believe that everything's all in your head.

[183] All allergies can be alleviated with, no, they can't stupid.

[184] Babies are allergic to peanuts.

[185] And you give them, they die.

[186] Like you're not allowed to give babies peanut butter because you have to find out if they're fucking allergic to peanuts.

[187] Right.

[188] How do you find out?

[189] I don't know.

[190] You've got to find out.

[191] Your milk thing happened later in your life.

[192] So is there something that broke your milk?

[193] Yeah.

[194] What was it?

[195] You just had five cheese pizzas when I was?

[196] I was 15 years old.

[197] and in the lunch line they had these like cheese and egg bagels that were so good so I got one and I ate it and I was supposed to meet this guy I had a crush on after school and I'm walking to his house and halfway through I'm like Jesus Christ I can't walk any for yeah I'm like mom pick me up because I didn't drive yet so she picked me up I'm like stop at that McDonald's and she's like what's going on I'm like I don't fucking know the next day I tested it out again so you ran in the bathroom in the McDonald's yeah it was over did you even check to see if the toilet was clean did you do some sort of a cleansing it was a cleansing It's a fucking dirty thing man When you have to take a shit in a public toilet You're just rubbing sweaty asses with some stranger And everybody sweats on those things man Yeah seat cover Those seat covers are stupid too Like when you're done with it And it kind of grabs onto the water And flushes down with it You know by that little arm And you see shit smeared all over them They always look stupid It never looks like it's supposed to be that way It never looks neat and tidy So you go in there a blast out of your ass And then did you not go to this guy's house?

[198] No I never knew what could have happened.

[199] You crushed that man's confidence.

[200] You could have changed his whole life.

[201] We actually wound up dating though.

[202] They're out high school.

[203] So that was the thing, though, that pushed it over the edge.

[204] That was your last, your first thing that, and then ever since then anything you, or maybe what's just, though, have you tried just to eat a pizza?

[205] Yeah.

[206] I could do with, like, lactose enzymes, which is, like, the supplement, like, lactate or something and eat pizza, but if I have it without, like, five minutes later.

[207] So that just gives your body laugh.

[208] That's interesting.

[209] Have you ever tried raw milk?

[210] No, I've tried almond milk.

[211] and all that.

[212] Raw milk has, it's not pasteurized or homogenized, so it's got all the lot of cultures in it and it's supposed to be much easier to digest.

[213] I've had it a bunch of times at Whole Foods, but I don't think they carried anymore.

[214] I'm not sure if they do but I couldn't find it the other day because a lot of people think it's creepy because it's, you know, it's just fucking right out of the cow's tit and it's in like five days it's terrible and like if the first couple days is good but it's kind of not healthy that milk just sits in your fucking refrigerator for two weeks and doesn't go bad.

[215] That seems like the worst milk you could ever drink though that seems like the most hardest core milk ever okay i watched dirty jobs you know yeah uh tv and when they milk yeah it is when they milk the cow though a lot of the times they get feces on their hands when they're milk in the cow can't be scared of a little feces i think a little feces and your diet keeps you strong you need to you need to have battles we did to set your immune system you know like like when you get a flu it's good for your immune system you immune system fires up and the next time the flu comes around the immune system is like not so fast bitch that's why i never Get a little poo in your body.

[216] Get a little poo in your body and then you could fight off disease better.

[217] We had this podcast last night, The Nottie Show podcast.

[218] Number two, we had this porn star on and she was talking about how she, right after the, she was, I forget what it was.

[219] She was getting fucked in the ass or something like that.

[220] And then she's never in life should you ever be in a position.

[221] We're like, I was getting fucked in the ass or, you know, whatever, whatever.

[222] Her name's.

[223] divine you should go look at her Twitter page so you can get a better idea of what she looks like and no one's gonna crazy your Twitter page than Bree Olson oh gosh brie Olson's Twitter page every day it's about oh my god my pussy's sore I suck so much cock last night I could just like every day it's like more and more brutal geez what's crazy that fuck so much that a guy with a two inch dick would make feel like a a fucking a 10 incher like she says shit like that is it like her tweets what's yeah what's crazy is though after he pulled out her his dick is that a real ass yeah after he pulled out his dick out of of her ass, he puts it in her mouth and she said it was just caked with shit.

[224] Just so much shit that she, you know, and then he fucked her in the mouth and then in between shoots she had to go to the bathroom and she said she spent for like 15 minutes picking shit out from her teeth.

[225] Oh my God.

[226] And she didn't have any like toothpicks or toothpaste so she was like, you.

[227] What did they pay you for that?

[228] Oh my God.

[229] I think it's like shit from her own butt from this guy's dick.

[230] I've never seen that in a movie, but I've seen a lot of asked them out and I'm always I always have the same reaction why yeah is that necessary yeah do we really need to do this turn someone on I asked them turns a lot of people on she's fucking dirty yeah and I asked them does it ever get better does it like turn into chocolate after a while where you're just like looking forward to some shit in your mouth you know and she's like they're like no it never every every time how many times did she gotten shit in her mouth well I guess that's pretty common when you you do a lot of ass to mouth and but she said she was just saying this one time my god that is so crazy you couldn't pay me all the money in the world you know part of it is that other girls are doing it all you need is one girl to do it and it's such a weird thing if one girl does porn where she lets a guy piss in her mouth then every girl's gonna start letting guys piss in their mouths it's a weird thing it's like all of a sudden that's become like yeah it raises the bar and that becomes acceptable but there was no ass to mouth when i was a kid no okay when you got a gingerlin peter north porno they had sex to the most he shot it in her mouth and it was pretty hot right but he didn't stick it in her ass and then put her in her mouth but that's like standard today yeah well that's not even that anymore like just a load in an open mouth it's like oh not this again I mean literally you can go on like youjiz dot com and look up loads in the mouth and there'll be like a fucking hundred thousand videos of girls with their mouths open and guys jerking off in their mouth she goes to this website you need to check out because every time she's on it I'm just like wow that's a cool video but I have a feeling it's one of those websites that everybody goes to and I was just the last to know about it what's it called today's bigthing dot com I think I've heard of them It's great.

[231] What is it?

[232] It's just every day they have this crazy new videos and stuff like they have this one they have this one video on there right now is dueling cellos of...

[233] I saw that on Twitter but I didn't click the link you got to watch it because it's like they're trying to be really hard -core So say what they're I'm sorry, doing cellos for the song um uh...

[234] da -na -na -na -na -na -na -na -na -na -na -tun -a -tun -oh Michael Jackson's Oh, beat it though Is it beat it?

[235] No, not beat it.

[236] Really?

[237] No, it's the one that the band also were you saying?

[238] Yeah, it's beat it.

[239] Are you sure?

[240] No, it's not beat it.

[241] It's not beat it.

[242] Smooth criminal.

[243] Smooth criminal.

[244] Yeah, yeah.

[245] Oh, God, we're so white.

[246] So it's, so they're like playing the cello while they're both looking at each other and they're like trying to be hardcore and stuff.

[247] And then it starts going.

[248] Are they doing the hips thing?

[249] Yeah, and just being real like they're fighting but they're playing cellos and they're staring it.

[250] It gets really gay.

[251] And then it turns into them like in this weird, part where they're like wrestling in this bedroom or something like that or in a bar?

[252] I don't even know what it is a dark room.

[253] But the cellos are amazing.

[254] Yeah, the cellos are amazing.

[255] Do you think that you can sell advertising today if you have guys kissing?

[256] Do you think you could sell?

[257] Yeah.

[258] Sell things?

[259] Yeah.

[260] You could have girls kissing and you could still sell a Porsche.

[261] Yeah.

[262] You know, but if you have, could you imagine could you imagine if Porsche just like the new CEO just had this wacky idea?

[263] What I think we need to do is capture the gay market.

[264] We are missing the gay markets.

[265] We'll take chance.

[266] The Porsche name is so in the American culture.

[267] They love our cars.

[268] And this guy just takes a wild chance.

[269] It says, it's just going to get that gay market too.

[270] And he just has two guys like making it out in front of a cayenne.

[271] Just hands in the pockets and shit, you know.

[272] It would get so many.

[273] You like, yo, what the fuck?

[274] And everybody just abandons them to Audi.

[275] Fuck you, bitches.

[276] Fuck your stupid rear engine car.

[277] It would get so many complaints for like PTA mothers.

[278] Yeah, but why?

[279] how come they if it was a girl and a girl kissing would that get complaints only from fat chicks the only one's complaining you know a few fatties taking their oversized hands to cover their teenage son's eyes while he's watching TV Mom what the fuck I would rather see two girls kissing than two guys kissing yeah because that's beautiful you know of course two guys kissing it's much more likely rape yeah I'm gonna fucking kiss me I'm out right I still that's just that is weird though that two guys to me still if they're kissing right in front of me as tolerable as I am I'm still kind of like It's tolerant as you are I don't know if you're tolerable That's debatable God you're so full of yourself Yeah this is a genetic thing right Do you feel like it's a genetic thing?

[280] I guess I'm not judgmental at all I don't have any problem with anybody doing Anything that doesn't hurt anybody else If you want to be gay Be gay it doesn't bother me at all But it weirds me out when I'm around Gay guys and they're making out I've been like as close as you are to me and two guys were holding hands and then they just moved in and started kissing each other into your bed?

[281] No, close as you are to me outside and outside.

[282] And I remember distinctly saying okay, don't panic.

[283] You know, like my body, I was like, don't get uncomfortable, just move away slowly.

[284] Your heart's palpitating.

[285] But you're like, whoa, they're fucking making out right here.

[286] It's so juvenile.

[287] It's like, I completely support your right to do it.

[288] And I think, look, sometimes it's pretty gross when men and women are doing it in public.

[289] There's a lot of people that get fucking sloppy makeout sessions in public and he gets pretty nasty.

[290] I support that.

[291] Do that.

[292] I don't have a problem with that.

[293] I don't have a problem with anybody doing it.

[294] But you got to let gay people do it or straight people do it.

[295] Oh, I have nothing against it.

[296] I'm just saying it's weird that I don't, I guess my mom likes two girls kissing.

[297] My mom doesn't care if two girls are kissing.

[298] What is your feeling when you see two guys kissing?

[299] I feel vulnerable.

[300] I feel like, don't try to kiss me. I feel like if they wouldn't have nothing to do with me, man. You know, I'm totally another time.

[301] But it doesn't matter, but it's like with a, if you know that you're for sure around a guy who's into guys, it's like all of a sudden you're in a, you're in a completely different like role, you know, you're like, you could be pursued now.

[302] Right.

[303] You could be pursued by a dude.

[304] Like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So even though, you know, I know they don't want everything to do with me. It doesn't matter.

[305] I've seen two guys.

[306] Your instincts are like, get the fucking wait.

[307] Yeah, I've seen two guys kissing.

[308] And I just kind of like, watched because I was like, that's interesting.

[309] It just looks different, you know?

[310] Like it's watching, looking like an alien or.

[311] Yeah, it was like investigating it.

[312] I wish I would, if I could be a neuter for a day, that's how I would feel.

[313] Like neutering?

[314] No, no, like if I wasn't a man or a woman.

[315] If I could be sexless for a day, then I could probably look at it like that.

[316] And I too look at it like that.

[317] Like, you know, from a scientific point of view, I'm like, wow, this is fascinating.

[318] Like, what is that, like, that's their turn on?

[319] Like, I don't understand.

[320] Like, when girls, any time of girls ever been attracted to me, I've always been like, really?

[321] Like, what the fuck do you like?

[322] You like, guys?

[323] You know, you like, what do you like?

[324] What do you like?

[325] you know like it's ridiculous like it doesn't make any sense you know for a man it doesn't make any sense that women are attracted to men I understand they do I have a long lifelong history of experience of seeing it seeing girls be attracted to men so I know it's real right but I don't get it it so when it's a guy and a guy's attracted to a guy then it's like whoa this is like super alien it's just we just don't know it something that we've never lived or experienced you know we're never going to be able to know what that feels and that's that's weird with like kids that's weird with like guys that are into like fucking horses and all that shit like how do you get that that's even going in a different fucking your brain just is broken some people's brains just don't work right right they just I was attacked by a man with a foot fetish at Laguna Beach yeah tell them this story I had to call the cops and everything I'm on I'm on the internet now okay so anyway I'm at I'm at Laguna Beach with the next boyfriend and we're smoking some weed on the rocks looking at the ocean this guy walks up and he has a camera in his hands and he's like I think your style's really cool and you're really beautiful.

[326] I take your picture.

[327] I'm a, you know, a photography student.

[328] I'm like, okay, sounds good.

[329] I'm like, do you mind if I smoke weed?

[330] He's like, no. So I keep smoking, and he starts taking my picture.

[331] And he's being really cool, and he's like, can I have you take off your shoes?

[332] And I'm like, okay, we're at the beach.

[333] I guess this is fitting, you know, take pictures of my feet.

[334] Start snapping pictures of my feet.

[335] And then all of a sudden he gets down on a knee and I'm like, looking at him like, what's this guy doing, man?

[336] I'm like super high.

[337] And all of a sudden he puts my foot on his face.

[338] and goes he licked it he's like how does that make you feel and I'm like whoa and I'm looking at my boyfriend sitting right there and I'm like babe and he's like what the fuck and I'm right in front of your boyfriend did he not know that you were with a guy he knew he's just crazy yeah he's crazy guy and then I'm like what are you doing and he's like oh I run a foot fetish website it's California Beachfeet .com and he puts me up on there I fucking take the business car because I'm just super stoned and I'm like what just happened whoa check out the website and I'm on there I don't know.

[339] Didn't you recently just send a...

[340] Yeah, I recently emailed him and said, I'm going to...

[341] Cease and desist.

[342] Yeah, he's going to sue.

[343] Yeah, there's a weird thing about dudes who are into people's feet.

[344] You know...

[345] Did you save it?

[346] Before.

[347] The pictures?

[348] The pictures are hilarious.

[349] The video.

[350] Oh, the video of it?

[351] You should have saved it before you take that down.

[352] It's still on there.

[353] Oh, it is.

[354] It's 25 bucks.

[355] Oh.

[356] Before the internet was around, you know, like back when, you know, you had, like, find things in magazines or, you know, it was a lot different.

[357] If you wanted to see some weird shit You had to really, really go out of your way to see it There was a magazine called Foot There was two.

[358] One of them was like this lady boy magazine I wish I'd remembered it I wish I remember the name of it But it was a magazine completely dedicated to cross dressers And they were like fucking Marines These guys were like the guy works at the deli The guy was bald with the big fat head Who slices salami He wants to be a woman And he's got makeup on and a wig And he's like posing like a woman And it is fucking tweaky it's what and you know like look how lovely she looks and you know they'll like say that what the woman name for his character that he plays when he dresses up is oh it's so fucking strange there's this new show coming on um where cross dressers compete like in like some cross dressing like reality show i saw a commercial for it have you guys heard of it no i saw the billboard of it it's like it's like it's like a it's like a game show but with cross dressing what i was going to say though is that there was one magazine called foot action and I remember looking at this going What the fuck is this So you gotta open it up and check it out And it's all like dudes who jerk off on feet It's a whole thing It's like feet on decks And girls rubbing their feet on decks And it's like that's like a big fucking thing for dudes I don't get it That's for standing Not for kissing A whole magazine man A whole magazine dedicated to it It's gross because that guy who took all those pictures On my feet I know he went home and touched himself to him It's doing it right now Yes I did Yeah, what the fuck is that about?

[359] If you have a foot fetish, if it has a little bit of cotton, do you get hornier from it?

[360] You know, like, if there's little cotton between the toes, I would imagine it's like, that's a dirty pussy.

[361] I had a little bit of a foot fetish when I was like 18 or 19.

[362] Well, not really.

[363] I mean, I just thought they were attractive.

[364] Like, girls who had pretty feet were attractive.

[365] Oh, well, it helps.

[366] Yeah.

[367] Just because there's so many ugly feet in Massachusetts.

[368] But you're not like, tip out of my mouth.

[369] So many girls had, like, hooves.

[370] So many girls just walking around kicking ice since they were a baby.

[371] And her feet are all jacked.

[372] You know?

[373] I don't have a foot finish, but I definitely like touching feet.

[374] Like when I sleep, I like to touch a little foot.

[375] I like to hold a foot, but I don't like go after a foot.

[376] No, no. But some dudes, it becomes a giant focus.

[377] Like, that's more important to them than vaginas or mouths or anything like that.

[378] Something like misfiring in the brain.

[379] Yeah.

[380] People are fucking strange, man. The way one person's brain works and another person doesn't.

[381] I was telling you guys about this before we started the podcast, and I saw this horrible video online.

[382] There's two kids that are skateboarded in front of this.

[383] guy's house and the guy comes out to tell him to stop skateboard and they're like fuck you skateboard where we want and they they're getting sort of like a pushing shoving sort of a little situation and the man runs into the house and grabs a gun and guns down these two kids right in the street it's all in the security video is it a live leak I'm guessing it was on YouTube because it's not that graphic you can see him shooting it's from a security camera from the front of his house it's fucking horrible you know when you think that you know an argument between someone who wants a skateboard and guy who doesn't want to hear noise can turn into some man gunning down someone's children they're like 15, 16 years old they're like kids, you know?

[384] It was so fucked up to think that someone's brain can actually be wired that way where they just want to go out and just shoot somebody who's making too much noise.

[385] And it's so crazy how random it is.

[386] I'm like from Mark Marco that I was telling you about he was walking in North Hollywood and some guy just came up to him the other day and just put a gun to his head and it's like give me your wallet and your cell phone and it's like, what?

[387] Yeah, it can happen It can happen easy There was a guy out here that shot a cop Yeah Last podcast, yeah Yeah last podcast Look man It's a fucking nutty world And as the economy gets Shittier and shittier People get more and more Desperate More and more things like this Are gonna happen Unfortunately You know There's a lack of balance You know I don't know how it comes back around But it ain't gonna come back around The way we're rocking it right now There's just so many fucking criminals I want to get gone Why don't you have one I just I don't know I mean It's the reason why you haven't quit smoking Well I mean it's like all right You want to get a gun It's like 600 bucks That's a pretty big purchase You know Is it that much?

[388] I'm guessing like for A license?

[389] Should be And then there's probably Amazing that you can kill somebody And it's only 600 bucks Oh it's probably cheaper than that It's probably 20 bucks If you go in the right places On the streets And you probably get a cheap gun But you have to do the class too Or you have to sign up like two weeks Beforehand or And they have to do background checks It's like do I want to be put in the system It's gonna take you while to get it probably.

[390] Do you want to be put in the system?

[391] You're afraid to be put in the system?

[392] The protecting system.

[393] Brian is a, he's an anarchist.

[394] He stays outside the system.

[395] He's a libertarian.

[396] He does not believe in this culture.

[397] That's right.

[398] I'm going to go to Canada.

[399] Maybe Vancouver.

[400] That's why you don't vote, right?

[401] So you don't get put into the system?

[402] Right.

[403] I already got put in the system for the IRS though.

[404] So that fucking sucks.

[405] But I don't know how that happened.

[406] I didn't do anything.

[407] They just check you, bro.

[408] They found me. They check comics all the time.

[409] Comics get busted all the time.

[410] With the IRS?

[411] Yeah, excuse me. Yeah, yeah, because comics don't like to charge to report money.

[412] They'll take gigs and they'll get paid cash.

[413] That was a huge, huge problem in Boston.

[414] Back in the Dizzy, we all got paid cash for all these gigs.

[415] So you had to, you know, do your own taxes.

[416] Most of these guys were lazy as fuck.

[417] They didn't do anything.

[418] They just took that money.

[419] And then, you know, years and years of these comedy clubs reporting that they have these employees, you know, and then these guys never paid.

[420] It just is really bad.

[421] So a lot of them owe tens of thousands.

[422] of dollars hundreds even you know over years and years without paying taxes what do you do you're fucked if you can't pay that back you gotta pay it back you have to pay it back slowly as quick as you can so guys were working like every night guys were taking all these crazy gigs just to try to pay off their IRS nut yeah I get withdraws automatically once a month it's pretty much forced it's the mob back to John Gotti yeah right so who the fuck else was in line for it was it like Barry Manilow's busy David Cassidy can't do it does anybody do she doesn't want to act anymore Who's going to play John Gotti?

[423] Elton John.

[424] I mean, not that John Travolta is not a badass actor.

[425] Don't get me wrong.

[426] But that's not the right guy for the part.

[427] That's ridiculous.

[428] That's silly.

[429] I mean, he's great in Pulp Fiction.

[430] Don't get me wrong.

[431] I'm not at John Travolta, the hater.

[432] Would it have been weird if they use Sylvester Stallone?

[433] Oh.

[434] Yeah.

[435] That would have been kind of cool, though.

[436] Now, I would have totally, I totally would have went for that.

[437] Yeah.

[438] Well, you know, it would have been a good role for Stallone, too.

[439] It would have been something that he would want to, like, try hard at and stretch in.

[440] You know, like, when he did cop land.

[441] like he made some some attempts a few times he's good actor yeah he can be a mean he's a great actor in rocky but you know why do all that hard lifting when you can just be some badass and some fucking wooden faced wooden lyric movie you know that it just makes a hundred billion dollars in the box office you know he's the master of those expendable type movies at least they put some jersey shore guy in there I'm sick of all these jersey short like Ari was on a audition the other day or a commercial shoot with one of the guys from Jersey Shore and him about like some some kind of product I don't know if I'm allowed to say.

[442] There was a picture of Kim Kardashian and she was holding hands like they were paling around with Snooki and they're both having this incredible belly laugh.

[443] They're leaning back and they're laughing so hard.

[444] All I can think of is what are these two dumb cunts laughing at?

[445] What the fuck are you laughing at?

[446] What did you who said something funny?

[447] Right.

[448] Snuckie?

[449] Well, Snooky probably farted.

[450] Them Kim Kardashian queefed.

[451] high fived.

[452] Your quees are louder than my farts.

[453] And this is so strange.

[454] It's such a strange time we live in.

[455] And no, no, you know, when I say dumb cunts, I say it with all love.

[456] I don't really think they're cunts.

[457] I mean, I think they're just doing their thing, you know, I got no hate for it.

[458] I find it fascinating.

[459] I haven't even watched that show, not one episode.

[460] I watched it twice.

[461] Did it hurt your brain?

[462] It makes you grip the seat or you're like, what is going on?

[463] It makes you realize, like, these are real people, man. This Jersey Shores, they'll fight over anything.

[464] Fuck you, you whore.

[465] They'll throw shit at each other.

[466] They tackle each other and pull hair and turn it to these crazy slap fights.

[467] And they know cameras are on.

[468] They know.

[469] They don't give a fuck.

[470] Well, that's what these reality shows are.

[471] It's like a bunch of scientists put in a bunch of rats in a little glass cage.

[472] And, like, let's see the males meet with all the females and fight.

[473] They're sending Jersey Shore to Italy for season four.

[474] They just announced in like the whatever the Italian American interest group, Unico or whatever said that they're just pissed.

[475] They're pissed.

[476] They are so angry.

[477] Well, those people aren't even all.

[478] Snooki's not Italian, right?

[479] I don't think they're all Italian.

[480] Is she like Puerto Rican or something?

[481] You know, I've never...

[482] I can't believe we were talking about them.

[483] It's so stupid.

[484] But we should.

[485] It's fascinating.

[486] We should, just like when you go to the zoo and there's one monkey who's throwing a shit at the glass.

[487] You want to, you know, it's not like this monkey's beneath me talking about him.

[488] No, man. These are monkeys.

[489] These Jersey Shore people are just a different type of monkey.

[490] You can look at it like it's such a trivial thing to talk about and discuss, but it's really like scientific work.

[491] What's weird is most of them remind me of myself when I was like 18 and I was like, wow, crew pomit, put my bangs up.

[492] I'm going, you know, I'm going to go, you know, like I felt like, yeah, but now I look back and I'm like, dude, that is so embarrassing.

[493] Look, this guy, the situation, however retarded he might come off, he's obviously working very hard.

[494] He's got like videos and exercise videos and he's trying to make something happen.

[495] Isn't he behind a protein vodka?

[496] I don't know.

[497] He probably is.

[498] He's got a bunch of shit going on.

[499] He's obviously trying to make the most of the situation.

[500] You know, when you see guys like that, you just get to think, this is just someone from a different world.

[501] That's all it is.

[502] It's from a world where you grow up around people like that, and that kind of behavior is acceptable.

[503] I mean, I never lived in Jersey Shore, but, you know, I was born in Newark, and I lived in New Jersey, and I have relatives from New Jersey, and I grew up in Boston, and that behavior is a lot more fucking common than you think.

[504] you know and if everybody in your house behaves like that so it's like Joey what the fuck is this man you don't fucking see I'm on the phone here if that's every day I mean that's a real those are real live people out there man there's a bunch of people that that's their every day yelling and screaming shit at each other come on bro this fucking guy doesn't know who I am bro this guy doesn't know who I am I'm so glad I only had two Italians growing up near me they're monkeys they're monkeys that's me so I can say it I'm three quarter monkey they're fucking apes they're squawking apes They like to get on top of cars and jump up up down and bang on them, just like a chimp wood.

[505] All that yelling.

[506] It's not a coincidence that they're the loudest motherfuckers on the planet.

[507] No, you know what?

[508] I have a lot of family in New York.

[509] My parents are from Brooklyn.

[510] And all of my aunts are like the whole, how are you doing?

[511] Oh, my God.

[512] Oh, they're brutal.

[513] But it's funny, but it's very like up there.

[514] Well, you know what, though?

[515] It's fun, though.

[516] They're festive people.

[517] I'm only bullshit and that I totally hate it because they have the best food ever.

[518] I would take Italian food over everything And I am Italian Three quarters Italian So I can't be that self -hating But there's that passion That makes them It's a crazy race Right You know there's some rakes like Like the Armenians Armenians are fucking crazy man Have you ever You know Armenians I know a bunch of Armenians From the ultimate fighter From from you know The UFC fights From just training A lot of them do Jitsu Those guys are fucking down To just punch you in the face Yeah they're wild They're wild dudes It's like a whole race Of wild dudes But that's just the way they are I mean, you know, if you're born into that situation, what the fuck?

[519] You know how hard it must be to try to not be that if you're growing up around your dad and you're in the tight -knit family, so they're all together, they all act just like each other and there's fucking ten of them in a house, you know, I mean, for real, I mean, those are very family -oriented people, Armenians, they just, you know, everyone's over the house, grandma, grandpa, the cousins are visiting.

[520] It's like, they're very families.

[521] They're all like, hey, what the fuck.

[522] They're all like super, like, intense people.

[523] Burbank is, like, filled to the top with Armenians, and it's a, yeah, yeah, yeah, like my Starbucks and stuff, they sit out there and play poker and you, like, you'd like walk in and they all stare at your, like, they're giving you like, we could trade him for.

[524] My friend Armin, Armin, the Armenian.

[525] My friend Armin was a pool player back in my pool playing days and he was, this motherfucker would just, he wanted to gamble constantly.

[526] Come on, you got no heart.

[527] Come on, gamble, let's gamble.

[528] Just always wanted to gamble.

[529] Armenians, and even in pool, they're like aggressive.

[530] Right.

[531] And the place where I get my haircut, which is like fantastic Sam's or like an $8 haircut type place.

[532] And they're all Armenians in there too, that are all the family members of the guys that are playing poker outside.

[533] And so they kind of like know who you are from, you know, just going to Starbucks every day.

[534] So I sit down and it's the most uncomfortable haircut cut ever.

[535] Like it feels like I always think that she's going to take the scissors and just stab it through my head.

[536] So that's when I'm thinking when I'm getting my hair cut.

[537] I'm like, don't stab the scissors through it.

[538] Because it's very intense.

[539] You need to get a haircut with me and you don't understand.

[540] I want to get a scary haircut.

[541] It's a very intense Armenians are.

[542] What if you're right?

[543] What if you're right?

[544] And it's just Which haircut Is she gonna fucking snap?

[545] Right.

[546] That's what I'm saying.

[547] If I had those thoughts, I wouldn't even go anymore.

[548] That's like your intuition.

[549] Well, see, the thing is, is I go to the Starbucks every day.

[550] I'm mixed in with these people.

[551] Yeah.

[552] Keep your enemies close.

[553] You know, like if they start, you know, throwing grenades, they're going to be like, hey, you know, better stand over here, man. You know, I'd rather have that.

[554] Oh, okay.

[555] You want to be in with them.

[556] Right.

[557] You can't beat them.

[558] So you say hi to them when you see them.

[559] Hi, guys.

[560] I did the, No, how did they open the door when they're coming in and out?

[561] You know?

[562] You don't go so far as to make friends with them, though.

[563] Mike, what's up, Mike?

[564] You're winning today?

[565] No, I don't do that with anybody, though.

[566] I'm very, like I told you last week, I keep very hidden like a ninja.

[567] Low profile.

[568] Right.

[569] Why is that?

[570] Because, I don't know.

[571] It's easier.

[572] Avoid conflict.

[573] Absolutely.

[574] I think I talked to that old man building your shed in your backyard more than you did.

[575] Oh, yeah, absolutely.

[576] I talked about his daughter's dogs.

[577] Yeah.

[578] What's what people that just want to start telling you shit about their life?

[579] He told me a lot When you get stuck With one of those motherfuckers And you realize Like it starts off As a normal conversation Like what's going on man Nothing how you doing No everything's good man How about yourself Well it would have been better If it wasn't for last week You know last week My daughter Married this man And I tried to tell her Stay away from this fellow But she didn't want to listen And you're like Oh no That's too bad guy Yeah see that's what I try to get out of And stay away from Is that kind of shit That shit is brutal That shit was Yeah You like a beaten woman You're afraid of men You become a lesbian You become a social lesbian.

[580] Right.

[581] You know who's the best is Joey Diaz is getting out of those situations, so...

[582] Listen, dog, you got to do what you got to do.

[583] Hold on.

[584] He'll make his phone ring.

[585] Yeah, he'll make his phone ring and he's like, I even saw once when this waitress at the Ice House, Pasadena Ice House, this waitress was talking so much.

[586] Finally, he goes, please, you're giving me an ear beating.

[587] Seriously.

[588] I need to get out of here.

[589] That was like, Joey Diaz meets Ernie and Bert, no, Cookie Monster.

[590] Who's that?

[591] Oscar the Grand Cookie Monster.

[592] Cookie monster.

[593] That's what it's silent like.

[594] It does.

[595] Okay, so anyway, so Joey told her that he's getting an ear beating.

[596] He'd get an earbeaten and just like started going.

[597] Did she stop?

[598] Yeah, she took the hints.

[599] Some people you have to say that.

[600] Some people you cannot, you cannot hint.

[601] She did that laughing like, oh, that's the worst feeling being silenced like that.

[602] Well, sort of, but maybe she's fucking crazy.

[603] Maybe that's the only way to get her away.

[604] You know, maybe she would have just sat down with us and started talking to us.

[605] Some people just don't know.

[606] Some people need those checks, just, you know, because they're always going to do it unless somebody does, says something.

[607] Wouldn't it be fucking badass if you could test drive people's brains?

[608] If you could be like, I wonder how dumb this motherfucker really is.

[609] Can I just climb inside your head for five minutes?

[610] Right.

[611] Well, you'll be able to rent it someday probably.

[612] Yeah, Malcovich.

[613] Dude, have you seen John Malkovich lately?

[614] No. Have you seen it ever?

[615] Is it called Being John Malkovich?

[616] Yeah.

[617] Such a great movie.

[618] It's a great movie.

[619] Yeah, just rewatch.

[620] But could you imagine if you could pilot, you know, if you could, like, I want to know what it feels like to be a girl.

[621] So you pilot Allison.

[622] Yeah.

[623] like just pilot her around the house for like an hour and she just stays silent and lets you move around and look through her eyes you know she knows her in there she lets you in there and you can move she like goes silent you walk her around you move her body around you finger yourself and you do whatever you want you have her body for one hour and then I trick her to get into herself you could sleep with a bunch of guys I don't think I would do that I would definitely finger myself though for sure wouldn't you I would do that stuff yeah I would yeah pee on myself You realize when you start using a flashlight, yeah, sex is way better, but it's pretty fucking good.

[624] And that's why girls, like girls with dildos, like, you know, we, I never got that.

[625] I was like, why don't you want to stick some remember the dick inside of you?

[626] It's not as good as a real dick, but I bet it's probably pretty fucking close, you know?

[627] Girls, I would definitely, if I was a girl for 10 minutes, I'd finger myself.

[628] I would try to have sex with another woman while it was that woman.

[629] Really?

[630] Yeah.

[631] Try to make out with her?

[632] Yeah.

[633] And what if you turned midnight and turned into a pump?

[634] and like, pointing, all of a sudden, look, I got a dick.

[635] You're like, it's like 11 .58, you know it would be great right now.

[636] If I was a guy and you were a girl, but I'm not attracted to guys.

[637] Ever since my uncle touched me, I'm really only attracted to, point.

[638] Oh, no. Oh, shit, I forgot to tell you.

[639] I was going to turn into a dude.

[640] Listen, can we keep going?

[641] That would be cool if you could keep going because you'd already be horny.

[642] And then she'd be like, fine.

[643] She'd be creeped out because she just told you about her uncle and then all of a big part of dicks in front of her.

[644] I think if I saw that actually happen, I would probably freak the first.

[645] fuck out.

[646] No, you're probably, you're probably, who are you imagine?

[647] Just morphing.

[648] Like, because there's certain animals that change sex.

[649] That's not unusual in nature.

[650] It happens in a bunch of situations.

[651] Certain animals start off as a woman and they become a male or vice versa, and they can change dependent on certain insects and certain worms and shit.

[652] I think they can change dependent on whether or not there's enough males or enough females in the population.

[653] Really?

[654] Yeah, it's variable.

[655] Yeah, there's a bunch of like simple organisms that can do that.

[656] So if simple organisms can do that, why can't, You know, I can't like fucking humans.

[657] That was the part of the movie Splice.

[658] You don't even know.

[659] The movie Splice.

[660] It was an amazing movie.

[661] What's that guy's name?

[662] Adrian Brody.

[663] I could have bought that movie for a...

[664] Adrian Brody.

[665] Oh, I remember seeing those.

[666] A brilliant scientist.

[667] And what he did was, he managed to splice together.

[668] I don't know, it was like alien.

[669] Oh, they make the worst child ever.

[670] What was it?

[671] It was an alien girl.

[672] A person and some other shit.

[673] I saw the trailer.

[674] Okay.

[675] It was like a person and some other shit.

[676] Like maybe a frog or something.

[677] They made like this, like, this.

[678] little alien baby and this is how dumb the premise is they keep this alien baby at this laboratory and it grows into a full grown human in like a couple of months and they just keep it in the basement and they're just like hanging out with her in the basement now all of a sudden she's a chick and she's kind of hot except her eyes are like too far apart that's like the only thing that you can tell so this thing is like maybe three months old and it's an attractive woman thing and it like it gets scared but if it wants to it can kill you okay and then maybe three weeks after that he starts fucking it.

[679] So Adrian Brody is fucking this three -month -old alien baby thing.

[680] I swear I'd shut that thing off in the middle of my Adrian Brody story.

[681] How do you think it is?

[682] I don't know.

[683] It's probably the fence guy.

[684] Oh, it's toll free calling, you tons.

[685] Well, that's pretty weird.

[686] So he starts fucking the thing that's three months old.

[687] He's like, this thing is only a couple of months old.

[688] I would have not waited that long.

[689] I would have fucked that thing the first second that looked like a girl.

[690] And it was like, oh, I made you.

[691] wouldn't you you would do the same thing no no you wouldn't fuck this first of all because it didn't totally look like a person it had wings okay it had crazy feet it had like the back legs were like horse legs and shit did it talk in English no it made noises oh it made noises hmm yeah it was way retarded and then at the end of the movie it becomes a male something happens something happens it goes through some really it's not feeling well and some weird shit when they think it's going to die and it becomes a male And Andrew and Bertie had sex with it Yeah And the male starts jacking the end I think it kills Angie and Brody at the end I don't remember It was so bad I couldn't remember Wow It was such a dumb movie It was like Spoiler alert When it was over You're like Shut the fuck up You know There's no spoilers in this When the movie sucks that bad You're allowed to talk about it You know It's like it's fun It's fun to watch Because it's bad Like I was It's a giggle fest Does she have boobs Like did they have nipples Like some of little tits Yeah See that could have turned me the right way.

[692] Well, she's real aggressive too and big, you know, and like, powerful and shit.

[693] She was really kind of creepy.

[694] But she's supposed to be four fucking months old.

[695] You know, or whatever.

[696] At the most six.

[697] I mean, she's, they had to get her out of the lab.

[698] You know, and she acts like a child.

[699] She like curls up and cuddles with them like a child and gets scared and cries.

[700] But then she'll like eat a cat and shit.

[701] Did he just start fucking her, like raping her?

[702] Did he like comb her hair first?

[703] She started to make him.

[704] And next thing you know, he's boner.

[705] And I swear to God, the whole theater is how I got to see it.

[706] Howling laughing.

[707] Yeah, I mean, I was, I felt bad that I was laughing.

[708] I felt, I can't laugh with this.

[709] Fuck, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be that dick in the movie theater laughing.

[710] But then other people started laughing too.

[711] I was going, oh, no, and then other people started laughing out loud.

[712] And then it just became a wave through the whole theater.

[713] Everybody was just going, no, what the?

[714] People were just going, what the fuck?

[715] They were El MFAO.

[716] That's one of the cool things about going to see a movie in Hollywood.

[717] Like a lot of times when you go see a movie in Hollywood.

[718] Hollywood, like, you know, there's a lot of cool people in the audience, man. Sometimes some shit, stupid, stupid shit will happen in a movie, and everyone agrees.

[719] Like, everyone is like, what is this?

[720] Yeah, that happened when I was watching the trailers to Inception.

[721] And it was, what's that guy making?

[722] He made that movie where everyone's in a village and they don't know.

[723] Yeah, the devils.

[724] It showed, like, his name in the whole.

[725] Yeah, the same thing happened in my theater.

[726] We've talked about this before.

[727] I've seen it three times, the devil, when it came on, everyone just started.

[728] going, oh, you know, like, this looks cool with that mother of that fucking disappointing cocksucker.

[729] He needs to change his name.

[730] No, man, I'm telling you, that devil movie was pretty good.

[731] I liked that movie, yeah.

[732] I took a good chance.

[733] I'm desperate.

[734] I'm desperate for a good horror movie.

[735] But it seems like that's, he's gotten to a point where a lot of people probably aren't going to watch that movie.

[736] Well, apparently he did not direct this, I don't think.

[737] I think he just produced it.

[738] Get your name off it, bro.

[739] Yeah, man, you might have cost yourself 50 million bucks.

[740] I was doing tech support two months ago, and as I was working from home, I would watch horror movies over and over again, like just random ones on Netflix.

[741] And I would watch probably like two a day to the point where like two weeks went by and I'm like, I need to switch it up.

[742] Like I've been watching this shit too much.

[743] I had like weird dreams and shit.

[744] Sometimes there's a problem with like the celebrity director, like the M -night shamelons, boom.

[745] You know, like because there's a bunch of movies that are really good movies that don't have that.

[746] You know, they don't, it doesn't say, you know, James Cameron's, boom.

[747] But there's, when, when, with certain dudes, like their name, like M. Night Shamalama Ding Dong is the number one.

[748] Right.

[749] His name is just immediately associated with all of his movies.

[750] What movie did he fail at that everybody hates him so much?

[751] They all suck.

[752] The one with the, six cents was the last good.

[753] The water bitch.

[754] Unbreakable was okay, but it was really slow.

[755] But then there was the water one was so dumb.

[756] And the plant one.

[757] And I didn't even see the plant one.

[758] But everybody told me the plant one was fucking God awful.

[759] Did you see the plant one?

[760] I don't know.

[761] The happening.

[762] I saw a gang of them that made me nuts.

[763] Yeah.

[764] I saw, I forget which ones.

[765] I can't remember.

[766] But I still take chances.

[767] I'm a sheep.

[768] It's a big film.

[769] Was it a Friday night?

[770] A big film.

[771] Went to go see it.

[772] Fuck it.

[773] Right.

[774] I'll sit there and try to watch it, man. Sit there with my popcorn and try not to think this is stupid.

[775] But that was a good movie.

[776] The devil was not bad.

[777] It was tricky.

[778] You know, it was good enough.

[779] It was a good horror movie.

[780] You know, I expected it to suck and it did not.

[781] There's fucking not enough good horror movies out there, man. There's not.

[782] I don't remember.

[783] I think Human Centipede was the last one I watched.

[784] Me too.

[785] More just gorse.

[786] I don't even see...

[787] I want to see monsters.

[788] Somebody makes them good monsters.

[789] Did you see Human Centipede?

[790] I got it.

[791] I didn't watch that.

[792] You should watch it for the creep fest of it.

[793] I mean, it's one of those movies I only was going to turn off after the first 20 minutes.

[794] I just wanted to get a taste of it.

[795] But then I kind of got addicted to the fact that it was so creepy.

[796] And I was just like, I've got to see what's happening here.

[797] I mean, it's not good.

[798] I don't like it.

[799] But it's, it's...

[800] It's definitely worth seeing just because the characters in it are fucking creepy as fuck.

[801] Have you seen the movie Shutter Island?

[802] Yes.

[803] Okay, that one was not surprising and whatever, but there's a movie called Madhouse.

[804] It wasn't surprising?

[805] Yeah, because you kind of knew it was going to happen.

[806] It's like, oh, he's ever going to be the crazy person.

[807] That movie was a hot subject of debate amongst me and my friends.

[808] Really?

[809] Yeah, most of us thought, like, I went to see it with Segura and with Eddie Bravo, and we all thought that it was a bad movie.

[810] Me too.

[811] I felt like you can't just show me a bunch of shit and then say, oh, psych, he was crazy the whole time.

[812] It was all a dream.

[813] If you go on, like, Netflix, look at Madhouse.

[814] It's just like Shutter Island, but with like unknown actors.

[815] Really?

[816] Completely better story, better ending.

[817] I'm like, I wish that one made it to theaters.

[818] Yeah, that Shutter Island one, it looked badass and it seemed kind of interesting.

[819] But when you found out that he was crazy, like halfway, there was one point in time when you kind of knew that things were a little wonky.

[820] Like, okay, this is, all of a sudden, we've entered into this unrealistic, like, how's he climbing up these mountains, you know, and by the ocean?

[821] Remember that part by the ocean when he climbed into the cave?

[822] Into that, like, right.

[823] Yeah, and you start thinking, okay, obviously, he's crazy.

[824] Like, it's going on.

[825] But you can't have a movie where you have everything makes sense, and then all of a sudden it doesn't, and oh, it was a dream.

[826] Yeah.

[827] Like, that's like a cheap trick, you know.

[828] That's kind of like a slap in the face to all the viewers.

[829] Yeah, I mean, I get, I get you're trying to be crafty.

[830] It's just, I don't think it's successful.

[831] I don't, I didn't think it was good.

[832] I wonder how some movies get put out and pass all the people they need to pass, and then it gets such bad viewer responses.

[833] Well, the big part about the whole movie business is the producers.

[834] The big part about the movie business is the people that come up with the money.

[835] So it's not just, well, it's a bunch of different people get involved.

[836] You know, it's not just the people who wrote it or the people who are, you know, performing the characters.

[837] There's a lot of other shit behind the scenes, you know, and there's a lot of cooks, and everybody's got their own idea of what should be in and should be not in.

[838] I've seen a bunch of things that were really good get fucked up, a bunch of things.

[839] The Man Show and Doug and I did it.

[840] That got all fucked up by other people involved.

[841] Look at this Green Hornet movie, man. Have you seen the preview for that?

[842] That looks like somebody.

[843] I was going to say, the best example, there was a movie that I did a long time ago.

[844] It was a terrible movie.

[845] It was called Frank McCluskey C .I. Or P .I. Private Investigator, I think it was.

[846] Anyway, it was this kid.

[847] I forget his name, Dave, who's the lead, who's a really funny guy.

[848] And he was doing all these different.

[849] I should have respect to him and find out what the fuck.

[850] his last name is that Greenhorn movie was fucking nasty well I'm wondering if it's supposed to be funny well what I'm saying is with this guy when I did this this movie um Dave Sheridan that's his name when I did this movie this fucking kid's hilarious and he would have and him and his friend wrote it right so he had like they were like going over the scenes and what's the best way to make him funny and the dude was really good like he's a really good actor he was in like a scary movie and he's been in a bunch of different films so anyway he's performing the scene and like he'll come in and hit it his way but there's all these no one knows who this guy is right so there's all these like suits in the room and these guys with like fucking expensive cufflinks and Rolex watches and suspenders and they're giving this dude literally giving him takes like do it like this like when you walk in I want you to whoa like this I watch this guy do this and I'm like this is what happens when these motherfuckers get power all of a sudden they think that they're creative all of a sudden they want to influence these funny people making their shit.

[851] Just because you've backed a bunch of movies and you've got a bunch of successful movies under your belt, it doesn't mean you know how to make something funnier, but they all just want to get their greasy fingerprints on it.

[852] It's a big problem in Hollywood.

[853] It's like no one lets, the smaller the group, the better.

[854] That's what it's got to be.

[855] The smaller the group, the better.

[856] And you can't make what they're doing better.

[857] You can't go in and go, no, no, no, no. You guys are focusing too much on this.

[858] It's too much that.

[859] You've got to bring it back.

[860] make it like, all you're going to do is cause chaos.

[861] All you're going to do is interrupt.

[862] So either they make something that you enjoy or they don't.

[863] But you can't add to the process.

[864] It's like, say if you were like someone who was building a car, they were making a Porsche, and you're like, I don't like the way this front end looks.

[865] When I want the front end to be stick up like this.

[866] It's like a cobra, like it's coming at you.

[867] And they'd go, that doesn't work because there's aerodynamics.

[868] Like we need aerodynamics.

[869] See, scientifically it doesn't work.

[870] But I think it would really work.

[871] We've got to figure out a way to make this work.

[872] And you'd be like, well, this is stupid.

[873] You're not a car design.

[874] well it's the same thing with these assholes they're not they're not funny they're not actors they're not comedians they're just fucking people with money that have financed a bunch of movies so you can get it yeah and so if you're doing a TV show if you're doing a movie there's a bunch of different people that have their say you know that's how john Travolta has John Gotti there's a bunch you know and you know you look at a guy like that you're like okay it's a big name we got John Travolta John Travolta for Gotti it's very controversial maybe we should go with it it's going to get a lot of press John Travolta is Gotti yeah meanwhile meanwhile Back at the ranch, I guarantee you if we find the guy who wrote that thing, he's like probably fucking pulling his hair out.

[875] John Travolta, really?

[876] My epist, oh, this is my greatest work of all time.

[877] John Travolta, for John Gotti.

[878] I was a fucking, I was undercover.

[879] I wrote this book.

[880] I wore a wire, you cocksucker.

[881] I risked my life, my family's life.

[882] And fucking John Travolta.

[883] Don't they love him for Greece, though?

[884] No, not anymore.

[885] No, no. After the picture in the inquire of him kissing another man. Wait, really?

[886] I took a step back.

[887] Yeah, I thought you about that.

[888] He was getting off a jet, and there's a picture of him, mouth kissing.

[889] There's a bunch of people that know him that have said it online, that have said in interviews that thought it was, like, out.

[890] I thought it was like, you know.

[891] There was a big article, I think it was Vanity Fair.

[892] Some dude that Travolta used to Bone just talked about how, you know, he would just go to bathhouses and shit and just hook up with dudes.

[893] Remember the family guy, the last family guy, I think it was, where it shows that Greece, where they fly out.

[894] into the air, you know, like in the car.

[895] And it was like the bonus scene that they cut out of the movie where they're just like, oh my God, it's cold up here.

[896] It's cold up here.

[897] You know, because they're just flying through the sky.

[898] And then she's like, warm me up, you know, hold me, warm me up.

[899] And he goes, hey, I'm good.

[900] I'm good.

[901] Like a gay joke to Tramolto and a family guy.

[902] That's funny.

[903] You know, I understand that if he was gay, and I'm not saying he is, because I don't know.

[904] You know.

[905] But if he was, I told him.

[906] I understand him not want to tell people because of his business.

[907] You don't get to play the lead in movies if they know you're gay.

[908] Yeah.

[909] Because there's just a big chunk of America, like, you know, fucking probably like 30 or 40 percent.

[910] This is just not going to go see a movie where John Travolta is kissing girls and has a girlfriend or a wife.

[911] If you know that he's gay.

[912] Yeah, but don't you usually get to a certain point in money at least or where you don't need to worry about not getting lead roles anymore.

[913] You could still probably make money, you know, especially if you're gay.

[914] Like go to commercials.

[915] Yeah, or that's easier said than done, man. You know, a lot of people don't want to disappoint their fans.

[916] A lot of people are worried.

[917] One of the reasons why, you know, certain alleged organizations protect their members from homosexual, you know, rumors and, you know, anybody finding out that they're gay.

[918] It's because they're trying to protect them as a business.

[919] They're trying to use, like, a systematic approach as a business to maximize their opportunity.

[920] Like, look, you can come out, but if you do, here's what's going to happen.

[921] First of all, you're only going to come out to strangers.

[922] your friends all know you're gay anyway right that's all that matters your friends and if you come out there's a bunch of roles you're not going to get there's a bunch of things you're going to get pushed away for and there's might be a few opportunities that you miss and when it's all over let's write a book we'll write a book we'll say you're gay but for now let's say you're not gay and we'll throw in a couple quirks or perks like me yeah you can be the woman and hairspray sure yeah yeah it's kind of funny you know it's it's a fucking interesting thing man the way the human sexual system is wired.

[923] There is this ad that maybe like a preview on the news and it's like Oprah tells a big secret like next week at 4 and I'm like isn't it always kind of questionable?

[924] She's a white man. She's a white man. No one ever saw that coming.

[925] Oprah.

[926] Yeah, what was the secret?

[927] I don't know.

[928] I don't think it aired yet.

[929] Her big secret is that she's going to be a lesbian with that girl right?

[930] Yeah, don't people think that already?

[931] A lot of people think that, yeah.

[932] Wait, did you just bring up Oprah?

[933] I was watching Oprah yet.

[934] No, it was like on the news.

[935] It's what happens.

[936] Do you bring the chicks to the show, bro?

[937] They just start bringing up Oprah.

[938] When do I watch Oprah?

[939] I watch it occasionally just to see.

[940] It's like, I just need to know that that side exists.

[941] Did you subscribe to the Oprah Channel, Joe?

[942] No, I haven't.

[943] You have to pay for it?

[944] I don't know.

[945] I'll watch it.

[946] Would you?

[947] No. I mean, I will every now and then, just to see what the fuck is up.

[948] I watch everything, man. I watch hunting shows.

[949] I watch super, super, like, right -wing political shows.

[950] I watch people like a scientist.

[951] Like, I just want to know.

[952] What the fuck is out there, you know?

[953] I don't watch a lot.

[954] A lot of shit I don't watch for entertainment.

[955] I watch for like, I just watch to see, what is this?

[956] You know?

[957] Like, uh, you know, so many shows, man. Like religious shows, I love watching religious shows.

[958] Dude, I watched Steve Harvey on this religious show.

[959] It was fucking awesome.

[960] First of all, he's crying about the pressures of being famous.

[961] It was amazing.

[962] You know, some cats don't know.

[963] Cats don't know what it's like.

[964] Like complaining about being this multi, multi -millionaire celebrity.

[965] everybody and then he started talking about god and it was just brilliant it was just amazing stuff he was saying he was like what did he say he goes if you if a cat don't have god in his life i don't even want to talk to you you're silly you're a silly person it was awesome like if you don't believe in god you're a silly person i had a friend do that to me she told me alison we can't be friends anymore because you're not a woman of god and i'm like bitch i was fucking she should just started kissing her is that what i should have yeah yeah she's a finger and shit checked her oil say shut up bitch you want to taste your pussy suck my fingers I should have said that's your pussy tastes like that you're a bad girl I am a bad girl she just would have went right with it yeah dirty little god -buffin bitch so what would it how was the conclusion did you guys break up no more friendies no more besties yeah I know we kind of met up I guess a year ago but this happened like when we were 15 I was like are you freaking 15 she went God huh yeah self -righteous little cunt yeah it was weird That's ridiculous.

[966] You don't know what the fuck is up when you're 15.

[967] I know, right?

[968] You did go to Catholic school?

[969] Yeah, I went to Catholic school for like four years.

[970] Catholic school is rough.

[971] So much guilt and strain and stress.

[972] And so many people that come from guilt and strain and stress have their kids in there.

[973] So there's fucking strain in the home.

[974] A lot of fucking, just repression.

[975] It's one of the most depressing religions.

[976] Yeah, I didn't like it at all.

[977] They used to go to confession for like once a week.

[978] And I'm like, I'm not doing this.

[979] And I got kicked out in ninth grade.

[980] public school.

[981] Religion, they would have got me if I was like with the Mormons or something like that.

[982] Someone looks like they have a good time.

[983] Like I have friends that are Mormons when they go to church.

[984] It's like basically you sit around with a bunch of people's families you say some nice things about God and you leave.

[985] Nobody feels like shit.

[986] Nobody feels like a fucking sinner like a piece of shit.

[987] I talked to two Mormons maybe like a couple months ago while they were walking around and I was on a jog.

[988] We started talking and I said oh you guys don't ever have like a time to relax go see a movie or whatever and they're like no we can only rest for seven hours on Wednesday.

[989] And that's what we do, our laundry.

[990] But the rest of the time, we're scouting around and knocking on people's doors.

[991] I'm like, are you serious?

[992] Okay, you're talking about missionaries.

[993] Yeah, the people are on the missions.

[994] Yeah, this isn't like, everybody doesn't have to do that.

[995] Only some of them do that.

[996] No, these are just the people that want to, like, go and recruit people.

[997] Yeah.

[998] And then I think they call them elders or something like that.

[999] Elder, he's like, I mean's Elder John.

[1000] I'm like, what's your real name?

[1001] How fucking hilarious is a young dude coming up to you, calling himself Elder.

[1002] The fuck out of here.

[1003] Pretty high.

[1004] This person that I know that is a more.

[1005] Mormon.

[1006] Just recently, they've completely abandoned it.

[1007] So it's been kind of fascinating.

[1008] So they had some things happen to them in their life, and they just decided the religion really doesn't make sense anymore.

[1009] It's kind of weird.

[1010] It's weird when that happens, man, when all of a sudden someone just goes, oh, what was I doing?

[1011] Like, I knew people that used to be Christians, like we're super, super Christian, and then they just kind of lightened up on it a bit, you know.

[1012] Like Rampage Jackson at one point in time, wouldn't swear, wouldn't stop swearing, didn't want to have premarital sex, so he got married.

[1013] The whole deal went super full -blown Christian.

[1014] So that was just the girl making him do that probably?

[1015] I don't know.

[1016] I don't know, man. I think at some point in time, people get real, real nervous and they really want to believe that there's an answer.

[1017] You know, they really want to believe that someone's got a book from 3 ,000 years ago with all the shit in it.

[1018] It's all in here, man. It's all in here.

[1019] You can live a perfect life.

[1020] And if you're around people that really truly believe it, here's the deal, man. It fucking works.

[1021] If you're around someone who's a real true practicing Christian, I mean, think about what that is.

[1022] For a real true practicing Christian, you are just doing Christian things.

[1023] You're trying to be loving and love your neighbor and do charitable things for your community.

[1024] I mean, that's really what it's supposed to be all about.

[1025] And if you do that, that really will make you a happier person.

[1026] So it does work, you know?

[1027] Even though it's the reason why it works is because you're tricking yourself into believing that this 2 ,000 year old book written by people who thought the world was flat and a son was 17 miles away has all the fucking answers.

[1028] That's ridiculous.

[1029] But but the fact that if you believe in something like that it's like a placebo effect for your life yeah i was actually at work and one of my bosses he's a pastor also and he hands me that rick warrens book he's like what is that it's like rick warrens like the chosen path it's a catholic or a christian book that a pastor wrote it's like one of the best selling books ever really yeah the um the crazy ones are is it is it two guys they have like some whole fucking whole series of like super, super, super popular books, but it's all about, like, the apocalypse.

[1030] Oh, I don't know.

[1031] You don't know about this?

[1032] Rick Horn.

[1033] I think there's a group of two guys, and they're like the best -selling authors in America, and people don't even know about them.

[1034] God, I've got to find this out right now.

[1035] I hate when this happens.

[1036] Did you read the religious book?

[1037] No, he handed it to me, and I was like, what's this for?

[1038] And he's just like, I want you to read this.

[1039] And I'm like, well, I don't want to read this, so you could have it back.

[1040] And he's like, why don't you want to read it?

[1041] It's just like, you know, briefing on the Bible and whatnot.

[1042] And I just told him, even though he's a pastor, like, I don't want to read this.

[1043] Listen, like, I'm at work right now.

[1044] I don't need to read this.

[1045] Okay, here's the guys.

[1046] There's two guys named Tim Le Hay and Jerry Jenkins.

[1047] And they write his books called The Left Behind series.

[1048] And they made them into movies, and I have two of them.

[1049] I have both of them because they're fucking awesome.

[1050] And they're with Kurt Cameron.

[1051] And it's all about how Jesus comes back and everybody dies.

[1052] but the Christians get taken to heaven and everybody here is fucked.

[1053] Do they get left behind?

[1054] Or is it's like fictional?

[1055] Oh yeah, they believe it.

[1056] This is the apocalypse.

[1057] This is the real shit.

[1058] God's going to come back and if you're not saved.

[1059] That's why these nutbags like Kurt Cameron, that's why you see him talking to gangbangers and trying to get them to, you know, to come to God.

[1060] Like he really believes that Jesus is going to just show up and everybody's going to be taken to heaven and everybody else is going to be stuck and fucked and left back behind here on earth within a godless world with no laws.

[1061] and all the good Christians have he gone and they'll be stuck here.

[1062] He really believes that.

[1063] And these books are fucking huge, huge, huge sellers.

[1064] Like millions and millions of copies.

[1065] Some of the most successful books in America.

[1066] Some of the most successful fiction.

[1067] Or he's completely full of shit.

[1068] He's just dollar, dollar bills.

[1069] Well, I don't think so, man. I think they started out probably.

[1070] I don't know, man. You think they're full of shit completely?

[1071] Who knows, man?

[1072] I mean, look at like all these people that ever get in trouble for like, you know, I think he's gay.

[1073] All these religious guys.

[1074] If I had a bet money on Kurt Cameron being gay or not gay.

[1075] Oh, dude, he had a perm when he was on growing pains.

[1076] Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything.

[1077] So did, I'm trying to think of somebody good.

[1078] I think Tommy Morrison made it out of perm at one point in time.

[1079] Wait a minute, he has AIDS.

[1080] Bad example.

[1081] But when I see him, like, trying to convert people, I'm like, what are you running from?

[1082] I'm like, what's that of?

[1083] about why is that consuming your humanism?

[1084] It's a gay thing.

[1085] Or money.

[1086] It's gay money.

[1087] Gay and money?

[1088] You think so?

[1089] I don't know.

[1090] To me, it just seems like it's a smart thing that he's doing.

[1091] The same reason why there's clean comics.

[1092] You would say that, but this guy goes and has, like, debates against, like, scientists, and they look really stupid.

[1093] Him and his buddy, he's got a buddy that has a...

[1094] I forget this fucking buddy's name.

[1095] His buddy's retard.

[1096] Ray Comfort, okay?

[1097] And you ever seen the banana thing?

[1098] Right.

[1099] where he says the banana was designed by God and this is how he can prove it.

[1100] He shows that the banana fits in your hand and he peels the banana and eats it and shows this is an evolutionist nightmare because this is like clear evidence of creation that God has created this fruit.

[1101] Like you fucking really meant that when he was saying it.

[1102] God created a dick.

[1103] It also fits in the hand.

[1104] It also gives you juice when you are thirsty after killing dinosaurs.

[1105] But no, no, he has to do that kind of shit in order for him to make this money, then to be legit, to sell all of these books, he has to also do bullshit like that, you know?

[1106] He would have to be a way better actor than he's capable of because these two guys are so dumb in these debates.

[1107] They're so fascinating.

[1108] There's no way you could not believe what they're saying and say the things they're saying.

[1109] I don't think, unless it's like one big, gigantic, you know, multi -decade hustle.

[1110] I don't think so.

[1111] I think they're just knuckleheads, you know?

[1112] I think there's knuckleheads and they get married to an idea and then they just stick with that motherfucker.

[1113] Right.

[1114] Whether it makes sense or not.

[1115] But these dudes, these left behind dudes, I want to know what their circulation is.

[1116] I'm sure you do.

[1117] I do, baby.

[1118] What's their circulation?

[1119] Shit.

[1120] By the way, Oprah disclosed that her news was that she has a half -sister.

[1121] She didn't know about it.

[1122] What?

[1123] That's news?

[1124] They make it all big.

[1125] How ridiculous is that?

[1126] How is that news?

[1127] I don't know.

[1128] Everything with Oprah's news, I mean, it's kind of like when you get put in that certain class of why is that news old black lady that doesn't make any chance yeah it's very weird I can't find out how many books this thing sold not quickly but it was a a fuckload officially a fuck load of books that's all about these people being left behind it's fucking awesome if you ever want to get blazed then watch Kirk Cameron it rocks it's really good I'd rather watch growing pains blazed that would be good too at least Tracy Gold in there, you know, get, let's get some Tracy gold.

[1129] Have you been paying attention to what's going on in Yellowstone?

[1130] Yellowstone National Park, you know, has a caldera super volcano that erupts every 6 to 800 ,000 years and just fucking, it's a continent killer.

[1131] It kills like almost everything on the continent.

[1132] It'll kill like two thirds of all living things on North America.

[1133] Well, the magma has being bulging, and it's got these bulging pocket swells where the earth is lifting.

[1134] And there's all these forms, these photos of them online.

[1135] And they're starting to freak out.

[1136] When are we do?

[1137] How long have it been?

[1138] Well, see, it's been about 600 ,000 years.

[1139] So it really could happen.

[1140] They're not, they were concerned.

[1141] They said they were concerned for a while, but then they're not.

[1142] Now they're not anymore because it stopped doing what they were worried it could do.

[1143] But the bottom line is, it's completely unpredictable.

[1144] They don't know when it can happen or why it happens or what causes it.

[1145] When they say it's a continent killer, like it could destroy the, whole continent.

[1146] Is that like maximum?

[1147] And then the minimum is like, oh, it will ruin like the Taco Bell next door, you know?

[1148] Well, this is what it is, dude.

[1149] It's 300 kilometers wide.

[1150] And it's a super volcano, which means when it blows up, you know, Mount St. Helens is like a volcano.

[1151] And then at the top, there's a small area where all the lava was shooting up in the air.

[1152] Well, this isn't like that.

[1153] What this is, it's like the top part, but the top part is 160 miles wide.

[1154] And it's shoots straight up in the air like a fucking mile high wall of lava.

[1155] And then nuclear winter occurs because the entire surface of the earth gets covered in fucking ash.

[1156] Like no planes can fly.

[1157] Remember that little tiny baby -ass volcano blew up in Iceland and everybody got fucked?

[1158] Nobody can even fly anywhere.

[1159] But when this one blows, did they do anything that like take the drill holes in it to like release pressure?

[1160] No, no, no, no. This is way too big.

[1161] You got to move to Australia Exactly.

[1162] We moved to Australia and have some canned food waiting.

[1163] Seriously.

[1164] Yeah.

[1165] If that motherfucker goes, if that motherfucker goes, it's going to go.

[1166] We probably won't be able to do anything.

[1167] You probably won't be able to get out in time.

[1168] If we find out like tomorrow that Yellowstone's going to blow, what are we going to do?

[1169] Where are we going to go?

[1170] That's why I keep that in my car, Joe.

[1171] My emergency kit.

[1172] Okay.

[1173] I hope that thing has a motorboat in it because you're going to have to get the fuck out of the size.

[1174] That's what it's put in there.

[1175] That's a good idea.

[1176] Get one of those rafts.

[1177] That's like blow up raft things.

[1178] Sure.

[1179] Because, you know, in Australia.

[1180] when it was fucking, when these crazy floods hit.

[1181] Yeah.

[1182] There was sharks in the street.

[1183] Yeah.

[1184] Sharks, yeah.

[1185] People spotted sharks, bull sharks, swimming down the street.

[1186] That's how much water there was in Australia.

[1187] I'll bring some...

[1188] What would you do?

[1189] Some guns.

[1190] If you knew molten lava was just coming and there is no escape, would you let it get you or did you kill yourself?

[1191] It's not even that it's not, the molten lava is going to fuck you.

[1192] Yeah, that's bad.

[1193] Moulin lava's terrible.

[1194] But it's all the other stuff that's going to get you too, the toxic rain, the fucking shit in the air where it fills your lungs up and kills you.

[1195] like a lot of animals like they found all these woolly mammoths and they were all dead and they were dead in like this mask like field of them and one of the things they found was that their lungs were all filled with like soot their lungs were filled with like volcanic ash and so what happened was they just got caught in some big volcano eruption and they just breathed in all that smoke and it literally like turned their their lungs into rocks and they just die you know you get lungs filled with volcanic ash and it's like volcanic rocks, you know, basically in your body.

[1196] That's terrible.

[1197] It's terrible.

[1198] Yeah, it cuts off your air.

[1199] You can't breathe.

[1200] You're all, I mean, the air is thick with the shit, and they all died.

[1201] I would.

[1202] Have you ever thought to get one of those chemical masks that you can get, like, at surplus stores, you know, like that?

[1203] Dude, when you need that chemical mask, everybody's dead anyway, you know?

[1204] If you need that, I mean, what are you going to do?

[1205] You're going to be mad max?

[1206] You're going to be out there on your own?

[1207] Save yourself.

[1208] Go walk around and hump some dead ladies and grab some wallets.

[1209] I don't know, man. A certain point in time, you've got to say nighty night.

[1210] If there really is a heaven or a. hell and I did kill myself in that situation I hope that they be like it's okay we get it no see they don't they won't get it there's no exception to that I can't kill myself kill yourself before you suffocate to death or molten lava attacks your body like just in molten lava probably gets you really quick I mean if you fell in I bet if you fell in a volcano it would take like one second you would just disappear have you seen that maybe volcano is that what that's called I mean how long could you last that's what they used to do man in Hawaii people were douchebags they throw them in fucking in Pele they throw them in a volcano man so they got rid of cunts yeah yeah that's how they get rid of people that's how they execute them back in the day son back when motherfuckers were wearing straw skirts you know what I'm saying you know I'm saying throwing spears at animals and shit sacrifice to the gods wild pigs and shit that'd be a wild place to live throwing people in a volcano there was this um documentary on lost tribes and all these different people that are still living you know like they lived thousands of years ago all over the world and I was watching it and I was thinking to myself man what the fuck would I do if it all went back to this how would I, would I even want to go back to this?

[1211] Like what if society ended and all of a sudden you're making bows and arrows out of fucking bamboo trees and making your own twine you're trying to feed your family by hunting food?

[1212] Fuck man really?

[1213] That'd be okay.

[1214] What?

[1215] Why?

[1216] Why would you think that?

[1217] I don't know.

[1218] It'd be kind of like it'd be fun.

[1219] It'd be like camping.

[1220] It'd be different.

[1221] It'd be like fun for like a week and then you're like I'm fucking hungry and there's nothing to eat out here except this bird that won't sit still and I need to make a well guess what there's not that many animals it's not nearly as many as you would need to sustain a population okay you know we think of you know we'll go hunting well you know there's no animals to hunt anymore it's not like it used to be 300 years ago where you can you know go anywhere near here and there'd be deer everywhere and all sorts of other animals to eat like we pushed all those bitches out there's like nothing left you know occasionally you'll see a deer in Hollywood you know like on you ever drive up Laurel Canyon and see a deer family and shit it's a trip you know it's like wow you guys are still here huh?

[1222] I was asking you that yesterday if you ever see deer around here yeah it seems very empty I see deers and coyotes we'd be fucked we'd have to start eating each other probably no definitely dogs first then people there's no other food how many fucking cows are there around here you know if you got no more cars cars don't work anymore let's just get crazy right what are you going to do you got no phones you're going to start eating people right yeah and then you're going to probably kill yourself you're going to try to figure out a way to kill yourself after you eat a few people and you feel bad yeah definitely I couldn't I don't know couldn't eat a person would you rather die yeah I would kill myself before I ate a person probably speaking of killing yourself this fucking bath salts thing have you heard about this yeah I have this craziness this is for the folks that haven't heard And this is not a joke.

[1223] This isn't the onion, okay?

[1224] This is the Huffington Post, which is sometimes almost as funny as the onion, but in a different way.

[1225] Anyway, this is, what they're saying is that there's chemicals that are sold as bath salts and people are taking these and are getting high with them.

[1226] And it's making people like crazy suicidal, doing nutty shit.

[1227] Like this one guy took a skinning knife, it says, slit his face and stomach repeatedly.

[1228] He survived, but other people haven't been lucky as the snorting, injecting, and snorting powders such as innocuous sounding names as ivory wave, red dove, and vanilla sky.

[1229] So it basically turns you into some fucking homicidal, suicidal maniac.

[1230] Well, that's crazy.

[1231] Who was the first person to do that?

[1232] Yeah, right?

[1233] Fuck, yeah.

[1234] I mean, what is it about people that we are so desperate to change our state of consciousness?

[1235] So desperate to get drunk or high, or speaking of which, you're a fucking drunk cast.

[1236] Okay, I've been meaning to do this intervention and do it on the air.

[1237] Oh, God.

[1238] Because this is an intervention.

[1239] I need to talk to the both of you.

[1240] Okay, you can't drink like that that often.

[1241] No, we don't do it.

[1242] You're going to die and you're going to die on camera.

[1243] You're going to have fucking liver failure on camera, and that's going to be a sad show.

[1244] We waited like 10 days between the both.

[1245] Well, you're fine.

[1246] This motherfucker calls me out, you got me sick.

[1247] I got you sick, dude.

[1248] I saw you fucking shit -face slurring hammered on the U -stream.

[1249] A bottle of Yeagermaster.

[1250] Yeah, a whole bottle of Yeagermaster.

[1251] You're blaming me for you being sick.

[1252] Shut the fuck on, man. He both were sick.

[1253] Yeah, you both should be sick, you crazy fuck?

[1254] You guys are nuts.

[1255] Still sick.

[1256] So what they do is, for the folks at home that do not know about this, they do this thing called the drunk cast.

[1257] He calls it Blackout cast or Drunk cast.

[1258] And he's done it a few times, and they do it.

[1259] Sometimes they do it and they watch the UFC, which is pretty cool.

[1260] They'll watch the fights, and then while the fights are going on, all these comics are commentating on it.

[1261] It's really funny.

[1262] You know, like Joey's over there and Sam Tripoli and Timpley and, And, well, the latest thing is they drink a whole fucking bottle of Yeager and just get completely smashed.

[1263] In like an hour, too.

[1264] Oh, yeah.

[1265] It was not like, see, the problem is we've done two of the blackout cast, which is where we take a whole bottle and we start going crazy.

[1266] First one was the Yeager Meister bottle.

[1267] And we did that in like an hour.

[1268] And then don't remember the last half of it.

[1269] Don't remember the next day for the first couple hours.

[1270] You know, I don't remember anything.

[1271] Then the second one, we did.

[1272] What does it feel like when you want?

[1273] watch the video.

[1274] Oh, it's hilarious.

[1275] That one was funny because it was...

[1276] I can't believe it.

[1277] Yeah.

[1278] But the last one was so bad, you took it down.

[1279] Well, I'm debating on it because, see, the problem was, is the UFC drunk cast was right before it, and we got sloshed on the drunk cast.

[1280] Like, we were wasted at the end of the last one.

[1281] And then we decided, like, an hour later, hey, we're still drinking.

[1282] Let's do a blackout cast.

[1283] It was bad.

[1284] But then we were so wasted that we couldn't even think of what to drink.

[1285] So we were drinking coconut water with vodka.

[1286] We were doing just like straight Morgans.

[1287] That actually was good.

[1288] It was really good.

[1289] It was actually good.

[1290] It was pretty good.

[1291] Oh, it was pretty good.

[1292] Did you do it over the rocks?

[1293] Yeah.

[1294] It was good.

[1295] It took off the edge of the vodka.

[1296] It tastes like you drink.

[1297] I want it one of those.

[1298] But we had like, we had Yeager, vodka beer and Captain Morgans.

[1299] And we're drinking all this mixed up.

[1300] Mixes two days in a row.

[1301] So two days in a row, you're basically drinking.

[1302] No. The drug cast is when?

[1303] No, that was an hour before we started this blackout.

[1304] So it's the same day.

[1305] It was an hour after.

[1306] So we did two podcasts in the same day.

[1307] Right.

[1308] Oh, I thought it was the day before.

[1309] Oh, my God.

[1310] That's ridiculous.

[1311] Oh, you poor fuck.

[1312] I don't think we should post it because we just got so on social also.

[1313] It was like, this is an impersonation of most of the, the blackout one.

[1314] That's him.

[1315] Seriously.

[1316] Good.

[1317] Leave it.

[1318] Leave it up, dude.

[1319] Leave it up.

[1320] That's important, man. That's part of the entertainment.

[1321] Listen, that's part of the entertainment value.

[1322] People don't have to watch it.

[1323] You're not forcing them.

[1324] You're not charging them.

[1325] You're not charging them.

[1326] margin it for it.

[1327] It's up there.

[1328] Leave it up there.

[1329] Maybe I'll put the audio up, but the video is just...

[1330] The videos, no. The videos, okay.

[1331] How about this?

[1332] How about we record, we take the video and record you guys doing commentary.

[1333] Now, see, that would be funny.

[1334] Yeah.

[1335] Have it playing on and then get it to a certain point where it's like, where you're just not even talking anymore, and then just start explaining things.

[1336] This is what was going through my head.

[1337] Should I puke now or should I, can I hold it in or can I get to the bathroom?

[1338] You try peaking on camera.

[1339] Yeah, I tried.

[1340] There was a part where I was like, I'm fuking in a bag.

[1341] And then she ended up puking.

[1342] Well, you ended up licking his fleshlight.

[1343] You should have thrown up.

[1344] That was at the UFC drunk as she did that.

[1345] That was how drunk she was at the UFC drunk cash.

[1346] I mean, we really were like bad that last one.

[1347] I don't know if I can.

[1348] I think the secret is starting off completely sober and then drinking a whole bottle in an hour or something.

[1349] Did the porn stars touch your flashlight?

[1350] No, they would, they were like, I'm not going to touch that.

[1351] Wow, that's hilarious.

[1352] The girl's picking shit out of her teeth with her fingernails And she said I'm too good for your flashlight And then Allison kissed it It was clean, right?

[1353] She wanted to have nothing to do with it man It was clean, right?

[1354] Yeah, absolutely Listen, it's washed But the bottom line is Well, it's like, you know, shaking hands with a dude If you shake hands with a dude You're basically touching his dick Because every guy touches his dick And the odds of him having washed his hands After he touched his dick before he touches your hands, they're like 70 % against.

[1355] Most of the times, you know, when you're not around, we were always grabbing our dicks and moving it around or grabbing our balls.

[1356] Like, you shake your guy's hand.

[1357] You're touching his balls.

[1358] There was one point in the drunkass, which is, this is, this is true.

[1359] Well, you kiss a girl.

[1360] You're sucking someone's dick.

[1361] I don't think I ever told you this.

[1362] This is a true story, a crazy story.

[1363] So I used to work at this Mexican restaurant, and I was a waiter.

[1364] And the waitresses were there was one 18 -year -old waitress and like three 17 -year -old waitresses.

[1365] They were all fucking hot, and they all had a crush on me. We need some porn on music.

[1366] Yeah.

[1367] And so anyways, I started having sex with the 18 -year -old hostess.

[1368] Damn, look it too.

[1369] A player.

[1370] Back in the day.

[1371] She had a party once where she invited all the hostesses, and so was me, her, and like three other hostesses.

[1372] We're all getting wasted drinking.

[1373] I bought them alcohol because that's what I like to do.

[1374] Yeah.

[1375] But anyways.

[1376] The party starters here.

[1377] I was like, how can I make out with all these, take advantage of all these girls at the same time?

[1378] And so I thought up this idea where I took saram wrap and I would put it in between my mouth and the girl's mouth and go, if you want to make out, you're not touching me. So we can pretty much make out as much as you want and it will feel real.

[1379] And we're like, holy shit, that's awesome.

[1380] And so I would just start making out.

[1381] How old were you?

[1382] It was 18.

[1383] I was 18.

[1384] And they were 18 and they fell for this.

[1385] Yeah.

[1386] 13 year old move.

[1387] No, no. And what was great, it's like I would, on a couple of girls, I had a little hole in the thing that would find my tongue through.

[1388] And they wouldn't notice because it felt, it feels real.

[1389] That's so good.

[1390] And then I started taking ceramics, putting it on my hands, be like, I could touch your boobs because I'm not actually touching your boobs.

[1391] That's like a serial killer.

[1392] That was hilarious.

[1393] It's a good move.

[1394] Yeah.

[1395] And so I did that.

[1396] We were so drunk, I started doing that on.

[1397] So tell me more about this move.

[1398] So do you, the girls let you do that?

[1399] Oh, yeah.

[1400] Did they pull their tits out?

[1401] All of them, no. It was up the shirt, making out.

[1402] Up the shirt.

[1403] And they were drunk.

[1404] Raw tit.

[1405] Yeah.

[1406] And you just have.

[1407] Serran wrap over your ass.

[1408] What was so fun.

[1409] is, is that the girls could feel when I put my hand up with the plastic on, like it was like not like half plastic, like the ceramic wrap wasn't covering my hand half the time.

[1410] And they knew that.

[1411] It was just like dude, this move is awesome.

[1412] Dirty girls.

[1413] Meanwhile, Julian Assange is in jail for rape for way less than that.

[1414] Right.

[1415] And so then the one girl I was fucking with, like I went and had sex with her and whatever that later that night.

[1416] And they all, the other girls like passed out in the living room.

[1417] I came out and there's one girl was like still way horny and she like called me over.

[1418] We started making out and we had sex in there and then it led to sex even so so you you I think you started a competition by feeling up all these girls and being the only male right you started a competition right you created an unfair game it was very smart move it was very smart give me a pound so I pulled the move on Allison and that's hilarious it feels real right it felt completely real pulled them so if you know young kids out there I was like we shouldn't make out he's like I'll use saran wrap.

[1419] I'm like, okay.

[1420] Why don't just use condoms?

[1421] You don't even really fucking.

[1422] That's what you're pretty much doing.

[1423] Yeah, it's it's like face condoms and hand condoms.

[1424] Wow, pitch that to Trojan.

[1425] Yeah, if you had a really strong plastic, like a really strong one and you could put your whole body and cover your entire body in this sheet of plastic.

[1426] Sure, let's try it out.

[1427] Look, I can show you how real it feels.

[1428] You want to make out to the phone?

[1429] On today's big thing.

[1430] Joe, how dare you?

[1431] On today's big thing that website said earlier, they have this thing where it's called the creepiest man alive and he blows himself up in balloons and he, like, sits in there and hangs out.

[1432] He makes balloon suits.

[1433] I would not say he's a creepiest man alive.

[1434] If you think that's the creepiest guy alive, you need to get online more.

[1435] That's what it's titled.

[1436] That's what's right.

[1437] They're just being silly.

[1438] It's not really the creepies.

[1439] That would be hilarious if I lived in a balloon, invited girls into my balloon.

[1440] The best thing ever, that's what it's called?

[1441] Today's Big Thing .com.

[1442] Can never fucking keep track all these sites.

[1443] There's always so many goddamn sites.

[1444] Very good one.

[1445] today's big thing .com there's just when is the internet ever going to run out a website addresses no because I'll just start adding more dots dots dots yeah when you see it's always weird when you go like dot are you or you know like hey are you trying to fucking you try to give me a virus jack my jack my shit if I look at like a Russian website I go ooh like Romania I was reading this thing and I believe it was in Wired about this one area of Romania that has like just a gigantic percentage of the world's hackers and they're all driving around like Mercedes -Benz's and they're all like young loud -mouthed kids they're just hackers just jacking people all these you know scams like how many times a week do you get you know dear sirs I need help from you in an exchange you will have access to my grandfather's fortune of you know whatever the fuck it is and this is what I need you to do how many of those you get?

[1446] I got one today that was so hilarious It was from Microsoft Xbox Award Show Soccer at Gmail or something like that.

[1447] And it says, oh my goodness, you have won the Grand Prize of the Microsoft Word National Holiday, something like that, sponsored by soccer.

[1448] Do you have it?

[1449] Can you pull it up?

[1450] Let me see if I can pull it up.

[1451] Oh, those are the best.

[1452] I'm marked it a spam.

[1453] And they're from Nigeria.

[1454] Yeah.

[1455] I wonder if I can get that.

[1456] They don't even fuck in Nigeria.

[1457] It's like you're the winner of Microsoft.

[1458] Nigeria is the Wild Wild West Wild West But I love how they were throwing in so many keywords That even like if my mom saw it She'd probably be like Well it is from Microsoft Word You know Hold on right here we go Spam Shit did I delete that So it came in a spam No it came into my inbox But I think I marked it as spam So I don't know what happens to that Check your trash I did check it It's not there I don't have it anymore Oh Brian But I literally just put it on.

[1459] Oh, here it is.

[1460] No, I got it.

[1461] Right here.

[1462] I got a whole section I saved my email.

[1463] The wording on this.

[1464] All right, here I goes.

[1465] It's from Microsoft 2011 Gmail at FFIFAWorldCup Lottery .com.

[1466] It says, dear winner, please check the attachment below.

[1467] And it says, dear winner, Microsoft Corporation Management Worldwide, are pleased to inform you that you, are a winner of your annual Microsoft Word lottery, lottery, this is it twice, conducted in Africa, being the host of the present FIFA World Cup mega jackpot winning program.

[1468] Your personal Gmail address or company email attached to the Microsoft Word with serial number, you are lucky number and you won.

[1469] You therefore been approved for lump sums of 1 .1 ,900 million thousand.

[1470] Really?

[1471] Payable in cash, credited to file number, B .T. something, from total prize money of 50 million United States dollars, whatever.

[1472] What are they asking for?

[1473] It says all participants were selected from Gmail worldwide websites throughout our Microsoft computer ballot system, drawing from 21 ,000 names.

[1474] Blah, blah, blah.

[1475] So what do they need you doing?

[1476] Yeah.

[1477] So then it says, there's a gift.

[1478] some phone numbers and it gives some emails, which would be great if we could call this person right now.

[1479] Oh, that'd be hilarious.

[1480] It says, it must be claimed.

[1481] I have to fill out this thing in order to avoid mistakes.

[1482] Yeah, well, okay, what do you have to do?

[1483] Do you need to give them money?

[1484] Like, what are they asking?

[1485] No, it says name, address, nationality, sex, age, occupation.

[1486] No, it looks like I just have to call this person back, and that's when they start asking for numbers.

[1487] Yeah, and they probably, when they get all that information, like name and all that jazz, they probably zoom in on you.

[1488] Then they do, like, an internet search for you.

[1489] And then they just start targeting you and going after you.

[1490] I like this.

[1491] It says lottery sponsors, chief sponsors, Microsoft corporations.

[1492] And then it shows photos of all these pictures of people winning, like, state lotteries.

[1493] That's hilarious.

[1494] Yeah, it's ridiculous.

[1495] I get a bunch of different kinds.

[1496] Some of them that are like, they're like, you know, it's a different kind of scam.

[1497] Like, this is one I got the other day.

[1498] I don't know who the fuck this guy is.

[1499] It says, Ryan Keegan.

[1500] I have no idea.

[1501] I don't know any Ryan Keegan's.

[1502] Hey, how you doing?

[1503] I made a trip to London two days.

[1504] days back, God mugged at gunpoint last night.

[1505] All cash, credit card, and phone was stolen.

[1506] I got messed up in another country.

[1507] I'm stranded in London.

[1508] It's a bitter experience, and I was hurt on my right hand, but I think I'd be just fine.

[1509] I'm sending you this message, because I don't want anyone to panic.

[1510] I want you to keep it that way for now.

[1511] My return flight leaves in a few hours, but I'm having trouble sorting out my hotel bills, wondering if you loan me some dollars to sort out the hotel bills and also take a cab to the airport.

[1512] About $2 ,500.

[1513] I've been to the embassy, but they aren't helping issues.

[1514] I have limited means of getting out of here, so I really need your help.

[1515] That's insane.

[1516] But I guess he sends this to like, you know, I guess you send this to like a million people and you get a few bites.

[1517] Right.

[1518] You know, and all you need is a few bites.

[1519] If you could do this with a computer, if a computer can generate a whole gigantic email list that you can steal from something or buy, like a lot of them, I bet you can buy them.

[1520] You know, I mean, there's a bunch of different corporations for sure.

[1521] Like, they've gone on a business.

[1522] and you ordered something online and they sell your email address and they have a database they sell their database.

[1523] It just amazes me that they're all so stupid sounding like at least go.

[1524] Okay, but let's talk about what we talked about earlier.

[1525] Right.

[1526] The waitress that wouldn't shut the fuck up that Joey Diaz had to give an earbeating to it to tell her you give me an earbeating.

[1527] If you took that woman and all of a sudden she gets this email.

[1528] Right.

[1529] I don't, who are you?

[1530] Yeah.

[1531] Where do we know each other from?

[1532] They should add something like, hey, have you seen black swan yet?

[1533] That was awesome.

[1534] No, he gets...

[1535] No, it's stuck in London, man. You've got time to talk about bucks while.

[1536] Do you like Microsoft Word?

[1537] Me too.

[1538] Anyways, I need money.

[1539] He gets one old retired woman who has like Alzheimer's and she's like, oh my gosh, Ryan?

[1540] And then she hands up out there.

[1541] There's a lot of little little like man boys out there too.

[1542] There's a lot of people that are like children.

[1543] You could take their money.

[1544] Oh my God.

[1545] I talked to this photographer and he has a friend that does this organization called Project Child Save where they get a bunch of money together and this guy flies out to other countries and takes back like kidnapped kids like the movie taken and brings them back here.

[1546] Whoa.

[1547] And I guess like the government has nothing to do with it.

[1548] It's all like privately run.

[1549] They do not right now.

[1550] Wow.

[1551] That is a lot of gunfire I would imagine.

[1552] Isn't that insane?

[1553] If you stole like a stolen kid from a family, you're pretty much kidnapping.

[1554] But they go to other countries.

[1555] Right.

[1556] That's scary shit.

[1557] That's a good, that's a good reality show.

[1558] Project Child Save.

[1559] No shit.

[1560] But I bet you couldn't follow.

[1561] They would be a little conspicuous.

[1562] Running around with a gun in their hand, sneaking around the corner with a fucking camera.

[1563] and like a boom Here's another one that I got That was a much more subtle one Attention How are you doing Hope fine Question mark Sorry for the late email update I want to make fast contact With Mr. David Doye In regards to your released project fund And some Why do you save them?

[1564] I save them all I save them all I got one from the first bag in Nigeria From 2009 that I've saved It's a collector's item Listen to this Unread Just listen to the first line The first bank of Nigeria I gotta remember that Listen to this one Dear, this letter is written to you In order to change your life from today It got me so far I am riveted I am Mr. James Lewis the director International Remittance Department of this bank Comma, my boss comma Mr. Jacobs, no comma Just a slight space M Smith comma, the managing director CEO of this bank is now on compulsory leave and all power have been vested on me to make all international payments.

[1565] Wow.

[1566] Is that from Nigeria?

[1567] Yeah, it's awesome.

[1568] It's so bad.

[1569] It's like, do you even have Microsoft Word, motherfucker?

[1570] What did you run this shit through Google Translate?

[1571] You just paintbrush and text edit.

[1572] They must have just ran it through a translation program, right?

[1573] They don't know what the fuck they're saying.

[1574] I think that's what did it mostly is.

[1575] It's been translated.

[1576] Like, they do it millions and millions and millions.

[1577] There's a part of me that is absolutely fascinated by this because what I'm getting here, right?

[1578] Again, I'm sitting in front of my computer and I'm getting this direct connection with some fucking guys who are basically like Ghalem from the Lord of the Rings.

[1579] I mean, like, think it's like some of the people in Nigeria, you know, Somali pirates and all these fucking nuts that they've got.

[1580] It's a wild, crazy, savage world out there and they're just millions and millions of emails just trying to fuck people out of that money.

[1581] How do you get me on?

[1582] I got me on him.

[1583] I watched this episode of intervention on A &E, and one of the guys was getting interventioned because he was addicted to replying to those kind of spam emails.

[1584] He blew his whole retirement, and he'd be on the phone with Africa, and they'd be like, we need $30 more.

[1585] He's like, okay, I'm right on it.

[1586] And he's like, I'm not getting scammed.

[1587] I'm just waiting for my prize money.

[1588] And his family's like, he doesn't get it.

[1589] There's intervention, yeah.

[1590] They shouldn't even waste a show on that guy.

[1591] They should just slap them, you know, like slap them a couple times and take his internet away.

[1592] It's not wasting a show.

[1593] It's fascinating.

[1594] You know, we talked about this one guy that was getting scammed by these Nigerian dudes, and they pretended that they were a hot check, and it was a famous porno star, and they used her photos and this poor fucking guy, it was, you know, like this sad old, 60 -year -old man, and he thought that it was real.

[1595] He thought that he was really going to meet his queen.

[1596] But what happened?

[1597] This dummy flew to London 14 times.

[1598] 14 times to me, whatever reason, they could never quite hook up.

[1599] There's a good website called 419eater .com, and they pretty much just screw over all the scammers.

[1600] That's the whole whole website.

[1601] What's it called?

[1602] Oh wow.

[1603] 419 eater .com.

[1604] Is it like a yelp for scammers?

[1605] It's like opposite trolling.

[1606] Like baiting.

[1607] I remember when Stanhope used to do that all the time?

[1608] Stanhope used to bait child molesters.

[1609] I think he read a book about it.

[1610] Didn't he publish all them as a book or something?

[1611] It seems like he did.

[1612] Did he do it for a job or on his own free time?

[1613] No, no. He did it for to be Doug Stanhope.

[1614] That's just how Stanhope rocks it.

[1615] He was contacting these child molesters and then take all their like all the fucked -up shit that he would say to them you know, pretending he was like a little kid and they would put it online.

[1616] Yeah.

[1617] There was a whole website, baiting .org.

[1618] Remember that?

[1619] Yeah.

[1620] Is it still around?

[1621] I don't think so.

[1622] But that 419 is awesome.

[1623] You got to check that out.

[1624] There's like the Hall of Fame, the trophy room.

[1625] You know, and these people.

[1626] Yeah, baiting .org's here.

[1627] Is it?

[1628] Yep.

[1629] This is welcome to baiting .org, one of the most fucked up sites on the internet.

[1630] Due to the mass amount of sexual content on this site, we felt it was in everybody, best interest to give you the following disclaimer and then you go in and it's all the whole thing is all them baiting child monsters it's the fucking Stanhope stuff though if you could find it yeah there's a bunch of them you can see them there by Stanhope and they're goddamn genius you know I think half of my lung is filled with incense you got some crazy incense that was like an instant log that's like a fire log of incant that's the real shit man I get there from the Jamaicans outside of the House of Blues.

[1631] It's smoky.

[1632] What kind you want, man?

[1633] Is it too much?

[1634] It's almost like I feel like I don't have any air.

[1635] I just have...

[1636] You're like breathing perfume.

[1637] I'm 100 % heavy.

[1638] Hold on a second.

[1639] I'll kill it.

[1640] Don't be a pussy.

[1641] Meanwhile, you smoke cigarette.

[1642] I know.

[1643] My eyes are watering, though.

[1644] We're all like...

[1645] Is yours?

[1646] Do you feel it?

[1647] Like, it feels like it's just thick.

[1648] Now that you're saying and I'm noticing it, but I wasn't noticing it before.

[1649] Oh.

[1650] Damn you.

[1651] You know what I'm trying to do, man?

[1652] I'm trying to recreate what it used to be like back in the day when I started out in the comedy clubs, man, and he could just go into a smoky room, and you knew that just dark shit was going to happen.

[1653] There's something about those smoky rooms, man, where he just knew.

[1654] No one's taking care of their healthier.

[1655] This is a place of deviance.

[1656] That's right.

[1657] You know, that's why I used to love smoky pool halls.

[1658] Pool halls used to be the best.

[1659] You go in two o 'clock in the morning, the place is packed, and there's a thick cloud of cigarette smoke.

[1660] Yeah, it's probably not so good for you, but something about it is just...

[1661] God, the worst is waking up the next day, though, and smelling your clothes.

[1662] Oh, God.

[1663] Especially as a smoker.

[1664] Even as a smoker, that that's disgusting.

[1665] Yeah.

[1666] They still have one of those in Orange County near where I live.

[1667] It's a bar with pool tables and stuff, and you can smoke cigarettes inside.

[1668] I was having this conversation with a buddy of mine about those natural cigarettes.

[1669] Are those things any better for you?

[1670] I don't think so.

[1671] They say they are.

[1672] It's like vapor and there's like no carcinogens in it or something like in the rapids?

[1673] Whoa, whoa, but it's still tobacco, right?

[1674] Smoking tobacco is not good for you, right?

[1675] Well, there's no smoke.

[1676] That's correct.

[1677] It's kind of like...

[1678] What are you talking about?

[1679] I'm talking about cigarettes.

[1680] What are you talking about?

[1681] I thought you're talking about electric.

[1682] No, no, no, no. Natural cigarettes.

[1683] I said natural.

[1684] Like those American spirits things.

[1685] Like, are those better for you?

[1686] They're better for you because it doesn't have like the hundred and two other chemicals in it.

[1687] It's just about...

[1688] So yeah, yeah, it's better for you than having a marble light.

[1689] It is.

[1690] But I also have noticed when I smoke those, it's like it takes forever.

[1691] Like it's like two out.

[1692] It's like I'm smoking 20 minutes instead of five minutes, you know?

[1693] It's like a bonfire.

[1694] It's not.

[1695] It's not the same?

[1696] No, it's not.

[1697] It's not.

[1698] It's not good.

[1699] I like it, but it feels like you're smoking more.

[1700] A bonfire.

[1701] That's an interesting way of describing it.

[1702] Like when you get smoke in your mouth, when you're near a fire, it's like you cough on it and it tastes nasty.

[1703] Yeah, it's very leafy and dry.

[1704] It's like.

[1705] Yeah.

[1706] Ooh, that doesn't sound good.

[1707] That's not.

[1708] It's like an old cigar.

[1709] Marlboro lights you barely even, you know, feel like you're smoking.

[1710] Really?

[1711] It just feels calming or something.

[1712] I don't mind tobacco, man. I like tobacco in the form of cigars.

[1713] tobacco when you like you smoke a big cigar especially after you have like a big meal and have a big cigar.

[1714] Cigar has to give you like a weird buzz man. If you try pipe even if you're not like inhaling the cigar Oh yeah yeah yeah for sure Because it just comes into your blood supply Your bloodstream through your mouth Immediately by the way A lot of people don't know that But like anytime there's smoke in your mouth It's almost immediately in your blood sweat That's when people say like I'm not going to inhale this weed you know You're still getting fucking stone Yeah Bill Clinton You dummy It's so fucking dumb.

[1715] I didn't inhale.

[1716] Okay, good.

[1717] Then you didn't get as high.

[1718] Right.

[1719] You still got high, silly.

[1720] You should not getting high on.

[1721] And you got bath salts.

[1722] Pretty high.

[1723] So are they going to start recalling bath salts?

[1724] Yeah, they're making some bath salts illegal in Ireland right now.

[1725] It's an epidemic all across the world.

[1726] I wonder what would be like the snort, Mr. Bubble.

[1727] Dude, the shit, it's a weird thing is it's the names of it.

[1728] Ivory Wave, Bliss, White Lightning, Hurricane Charlie.

[1729] Chemicals can cause hallucin.

[1730] hallucinations, paranoia, rapid heart rates, and suicidal thoughts.

[1731] It makes you attack yourself.

[1732] And it makes your nose smell great.

[1733] You know what?

[1734] Your body is probably so mad that you're such a dumb cunt that you snort bath salts that your body's like, oh, we're going to kill ourselves now.

[1735] All right, you want to do this, bitch?

[1736] You want to do this?

[1737] Come on, get a knife.

[1738] Well, can't you get, I mean, you can pretty much get fucked up on almost anything if you wanted to.

[1739] I don't think you could get fucked up to the point where you want to slash your face off.

[1740] I mean, listen to the things that people are doing, man. like they're like attacking themselves yeah they're still conscious and alive and stuff and it causes apparently it's super um the the stimulants and are neurotransmitters in the brain they're saying and this stuff mpv and methadron are they're made in the lab and they're aren't regulated because they're not marketed for human consumption so these things are in these bath salts how the fuck is this stuff in bath salts that's like you're like taking a bath with crank like this what you're doing you're taking a bath with PCE How was that in there?

[1741] Isn't it just supposed to be salt?

[1742] What the fuck is going on?

[1743] It trips your pores open and it gets in there and it washes around.

[1744] It causes intense cravings for it and they'll binge on it for three to four days before they show up in an ER.

[1745] And even though it's a horrible trip they want to do it again and again.

[1746] It's incredibly addictive.

[1747] Wow, this is nuts.

[1748] 25 states have received calls about exposure including Nevada and California.

[1749] Louisiana leads with the greatest number of calls at 165, 165 fucking people.

[1750] I need to go to bed, bath, and be on tonight.

[1751] Seriously.

[1752] Wow, this is crazy.

[1753] You might as well try it before they recall it.

[1754] No shit.

[1755] At least stock up, aren't it?

[1756] This is really nuts.

[1757] Florida had 48 different calls or 38 different calls.

[1758] It's like the highest demanded drug now.

[1759] Soap cast.

[1760] That's a strange, strange thing that all of a sudden they figure out that they can smoke.

[1761] It's almost like, you know, like found another hole in the city.

[1762] system like people want to get high so bad you know we found this new shit hundreds of people are doing this is crazy wow and apparently it's not something you do recreation it's not like i'm i tried it i didn't like it you do it and you get crazy you're into a face slashing zombie wow this is nuts man i wonder if you could like just do a little bit less of it and not turn into a face slashing zombie maybe they're just doing way too much you know like whoa here it is this is what they're saying the problem grew in rural Mississippi after a law began restricting the sale of pseudo -ephedrine, the key ingredient in making methamphetamine.

[1763] Sudafedrine?

[1764] Yeah, pseudofedrine.

[1765] So when they stopped selling that stuff, restricting the sale of it, they couldn't get meth anymore.

[1766] So they got crazy and then they tried this shit.

[1767] This is worse than meth.

[1768] Oh my God.

[1769] This is something that's fucking up meth heads.

[1770] Like they used to just be meth heads and then they started doing bath salts cutting their faces off.

[1771] I want to hear about the kids who tried it who started this phenomenon, you know?

[1772] I don't think it was kids.

[1773] Yeah, it was probably my kids.

[1774] Yeah, I bet it wasn't kids.

[1775] Really?

[1776] Yeah, you know what I bet it's probably government, man?

[1777] I bet there was some fucking crazy guy like in that Breaking Bad show.

[1778] There was some sort of a scientist character and he realized that bath salts will fuck you up to.

[1779] So they just started giving them to people.

[1780] That's possible.

[1781] But you can't even corner that market if you tell them it's bath salts.

[1782] Right.

[1783] So they must have helped me at gunpoint to get the secret.

[1784] Listen, man, it's just bath salts.

[1785] This is the greatest fucking crack of all time, man Give me the shit, I'm taking over the world Listen, Ducco It's just bath salts Can you imagine getting to the point Remember when you used to get those things for Christmas It was like a bag of bath salts You know, it was like a decorative item Given to you by a like Have you seen them?

[1786] It looks like a snowball Yeah Yeah It's like it's like You throw them in there and it's fuzzle Right and that's gonna be like your Your eight ball is one of those things Wow They aren't they aren't regulated That's the real problem Meanwhile they just made fucking five methoxy dimethylptomy illegal.

[1787] They made it super illegal now.

[1788] You can't get it anywhere if you have it, you're in trouble.

[1789] That shit used to be able to, you used to be able to buy it online.

[1790] Triptamine?

[1791] Yeah.

[1792] Five methoxy dimethyptomy, which is like the most potent form of DMT.

[1793] And you used to be able to buy it online.

[1794] Yeah, you can buy a jug of it and just get blasted on it until the end of time.

[1795] Oh my God.

[1796] Now it's a schedule one.

[1797] Yeah, now it's right there with marijuana.

[1798] Yeah, it used to be able to just buy it.

[1799] It's weird.

[1800] And then someone figured out like, hey, you can get really high off this shit and you just buy it online that's pretty silly if you if you get caught with acid you go to jail forever you know not forever but you get caught with anything anything like acid if you get caught with any kind of acid anything where they think you're doing that you're making your own drugs that's that's even crazier than mushrooms or pot because you're what are you doing you're synthesizing a chemical specifically for the purpose of getting people fucked up like you're a you're a special case.

[1801] You're in a fucking, you know, you got like rubber gloves and shit and a lab coat on and you're in your bathtub and you're making enough acid to get like a whole state high.

[1802] You can make enough acid in your bathtub to get like a million people.

[1803] Imagine accidentally splashing it onto your arm.

[1804] Oh my God.

[1805] It took me five years to make this ass because every time I would like splash it, I would die for like two months.

[1806] Listen, I met this girl a couple years ago and she told me that she has this friend who like obviously went crazy and moved away to a different state, but she got pulled up.

[1807] over by the cops and had a whole vial of acid on her and she drank it.

[1808] Oh my God.

[1809] What?

[1810] And she tripped for like 60 days and fucking like split town and like it's been a weirdo ever since.

[1811] I never met the girl.

[1812] Oh my god.

[1813] She drank it.

[1814] Why wouldn't she just pour it on the ground?

[1815] Porting the carpet, right?

[1816] Yeah.

[1817] She's ridiculous.

[1818] All of a sudden their car just starts going doon do do do do do do do do Do do do.

[1819] It's terrible.

[1820] Car comes in life and becomes a transformer.

[1821] Wow.

[1822] I've heard stories about people.

[1823] That's the number one.

[1824] drug that I've heard stories about people losing their shit on.

[1825] Yeah.

[1826] Just breaking, you know, just, see ya.

[1827] Broke it.

[1828] Broke it.

[1829] I think acid, any, like, any psychedelic, even DMT, I think if you do it a certain amount of times, you're probably not going to be the same as before.

[1830] I knew what dude, he did it a hundred times, and he totally became crazy.

[1831] Really?

[1832] He just was doing DMT all the time, to the point where when he would do DMT, the DMT entities would talk to him and go, dude, dude, you got to stop coming here.

[1833] Just settle the fuck down.

[1834] You're killing her buzz, man. DMT, when you have a DMT experience, like a lot of it is marked by communication with whatever the fuck it is.

[1835] It could be that you're communicating with some other part of your consciousness that you don't normally have access to or it could be the great beyond like this well of souls or it could be aliens in another dimension.

[1836] You're communicating with something.

[1837] Whatever it is, is really just speculative.

[1838] But this guy, when he would go over there, the DMT, whatever he was connecting to was going, do, do, do, do stop.

[1839] Stop smoking DMT every day.

[1840] This is crazy.

[1841] That's funny when the DMT spirits actually annoyed with you come on dude you come here all the time what's not annoying you fucking eat my food you stinky feeder on my couch yeah the fuck bro get it together that's funny yeah you know man until they figure out a way to let people do whatever the fuck they want with their bodies do whatever the fuck you want you're going to always have a gang of different drug problems what people are afraid of though is that when you start making everything legal well then you know well kids could get a hold of it and everyone could get addicted and that is definitely true you do run those problems you do run a chance of there being a little bit of a spike once it becomes initially legal but you you're gonna have to let people learn you have to raise your kids and tell them to never do that shit you have to be around other people that raise their kids and tell them you know don't do meth it's going to kill you don't do heroin it's bad for you you you could smoke pot it's not going to hurt you if you drink let me know i want to be there i want to let you know I want to make sure you don't drive home drunk.

[1842] You know, like you can, people can navigate their way through a lot of different substances in the society if you just allowed us to.

[1843] You know, but as soon as you start making shit illegal and restricting the, you know, the access to a bunch of different things, people can't figure out what's good and what's bad.

[1844] That's why there's a lot of people to think that mushrooms will fuck your mind up, you know, smoke pot, you're becoming a lazy piece of shit.

[1845] Why?

[1846] Because they don't have access to it.

[1847] If they have, if everybody had access to it, especially weed.

[1848] If everybody had access to weed, we would all think of it the same way that stoners think of it.

[1849] Stoner's pretty much universally look at pot and say, well, it's very beneficial to me, it calms me down, it gives me perspective, it makes me silly, and then there's the medical uses for it.

[1850] I mean, it's like universal amongst the people that use it.

[1851] Well, how come the other people don't share that opinion?

[1852] Well, it's because they're not using it.

[1853] It's really that simple.

[1854] And people that are anti -pot, it's possible that you have some weird reaction to pot, in which case I would say, hey, don't do it.

[1855] You know, you don't have to do it.

[1856] But I guarantee you if you're not doing it and you're describing what it is, you don't know.

[1857] Yeah, or they have like a mom.

[1858] or your dad or brother that was like lazy as shit while they smoked weeds they're like oh no everybody is like that I totally witnessed that and I'm like no it's not like that your brother's fucking lazy they don't see enough ambitious stoner's out there I know people don't understand it will give you a different perspective and it might not necessarily be a better perspective but it's good to look at things a different way all the time every now and then rather you know if you look at things the exact same way you can get locked into sort of a mental pattern where you think that things make sense you know and then you need like a good good really fucking a good real good bake session where you just completely float away you know when you and your friends are sitting around like me how many times have we had these conversations like especially like after shows where we're just completely barbecued like eating dinner and we're all just like breaking down the universe or figuring out life or just having these conversations where you almost can't get there on your own you know there's some conversations that you get to when you're high and be like man I don't think I can take responsibility for this conversation I don't think I ever would have gotten here if it wasn't high, you know?

[1859] Absolutely.

[1860] Of course, a lot of those conversations are not as cool as they would be, and they're just talking about how Fritos would be good in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you know.

[1861] No, I like those talks.

[1862] Those really, really nice marijuana -driven talks, because you can't get that when you're hammered.

[1863] No, no, you don't get them.

[1864] When you're hammered, it's more like, a good, a good stoner conversation.

[1865] Not a dumb one, but a good one, you know, where everybody's kind of in that groove.

[1866] man you figure out a lot of shit in those conversations did nick swartson have a jaguar i don't know what kind of car i said they just put on tm z that he somebody stole his jaguar last week outside the improv on a friday night well but it happens or he's just trolling tm z do you think you would troll TMZ i don't see him having it he didn't have you can't say that you got your car stolen they can find that out pretty easy unless they're that lazy well not a felony to tell TMZ a lie Wouldn't the cops be behind it?

[1867] No, not of you're just telling TMZ.

[1868] Oh, I guess if TMZ you just could say whatever.

[1869] Yeah.

[1870] Yeah, you can say whatever the fuck you want, those cunts.

[1871] The whole fucking Jim Norton over this weekend, I saw Jim Norton at Cap City Comedy Club when I was in Austin.

[1872] I was down in Austin for the fight for the troops, and I had Friday off, so I went to Cap City.

[1873] And Norton had some of the funniest fucking jokes on Tiger Woods.

[1874] Oh, my God, he was killing me. And Mel Gibson, he was.

[1875] fucking killing me dude really really funny shit did you hang out with him after yeah yeah yeah we went out to eat club soda candy was there and Chris Chris from the flesh yeah he's a good guy and uh but it was just it was so fun and refreshing and right when I think that like I always start thinking that like maybe I have too many dick jokes I'm like why is my sense of humor so juvenile like it's always like someone's sucking dicks or some dick goes in there or you know whatever it just becomes a dick joke somewhere or another I mean time machine jokes become dick jokes.

[1876] Just I have a really juvenile sense of humor.

[1877] And I was like, maybe there's a problem with that.

[1878] I know that's what I like, but maybe I should expand.

[1879] Let me try like, relax.

[1880] And then I saw Norton and every other joke was a dick joke.

[1881] And I fucking howled all the way through.

[1882] Like literally, every other joke.

[1883] And we had a conversation about it.

[1884] I go, you gave me like positive affirmation.

[1885] Like sometimes I worry that I have too many dick jokes.

[1886] He goes, oh, I never think about that.

[1887] I never think about that.

[1888] He goes, that's what I think about.

[1889] I'm a sick fucking person.

[1890] He's funny, man. He was really funny.

[1891] It was refreshing.

[1892] It's good to see, you know, when we work all the time, it's like I don't get to see like a full headliner set.

[1893] It's like real rare that I get to see someone in a comedy club working and just be an audience member and sit down there.

[1894] So it was cool, man. It was fucking, I was howling.

[1895] But here's a weird thing, man. There was these two local comics that were watching.

[1896] And the fucking, he was killing, okay?

[1897] Norton was fucking killing.

[1898] And these two guys were watching like this.

[1899] Hater.

[1900] Dead -faced.

[1901] Just totally dead.

[1902] face and I was like wow that's weird like you don't think this is like I was crying laughing you know at certain points I mean just really well -crafted jokes really funny had this bit about Tiger Woods about I don't I don't want to do it I don't want to fuck it up I don't want to paraphrase it I don't want to ruin it but I I was crying right I was fucking crying and I looked over these guys are stone -faced hmm haters also they're trying they're probably fascinated like it's a big deal to be working with a big and Jim Norton's a big name National Act, you know?

[1903] Right.

[1904] So then they get to work with them, and then they're judging their own performance against his and trying to think if they're better than him.

[1905] Well, there's so much jealousy with comedy, especially the guys that are like, I could do better than this person.

[1906] Well, there's a lot of guys that are just starting out or they've been doing it for a couple years that for some reason they feel like your success takes away from their success and they should have more success than they do.

[1907] Right.

[1908] A very weird thing, man. To be a person that wants to be on stage with your voice amplified and a spotlight on you, you've got to be fucked up.

[1909] And I'm talking as one of them and I'm talking to two other ones.

[1910] You guys are both comics.

[1911] You know you both do stand up.

[1912] You know you've got to be fucking crazy to want to do that.

[1913] And so a lot of these people, they're like so desperate to even out their life.

[1914] They're so desperate to finally get some success.

[1915] It's so desperate to put it all together and have the big picture in front of them and finally move on past this disaster of a childhood that they, you know, they didn't want to claim ownership of their life.

[1916] So they get like super hyper ambitious.

[1917] I've met people who are like, you know, I hate something.

[1918] stand up.

[1919] I just get up on stage because it's challenging for me, but I hate it every second of it.

[1920] I'm like, that's kind of strange.

[1921] Who says that?

[1922] Brian knows who says that?

[1923] You can't be good and say that.

[1924] You have to suck.

[1925] It's just period.

[1926] Except Steve Martin.

[1927] Steve Martin didn't like stand up in the end.

[1928] You know, he was too easy for him, apparently, and he was awesome.

[1929] Let's get small.

[1930] That's some fucking great shit.

[1931] I remember when the jerk came out, Steve Martin was hilarious.

[1932] Johnson, Nevin, ah, sounds like a typical bastard.

[1933] It was fun shit, man. He was a funny, funny comedian, man. But he just, it got too crazy.

[1934] He would, he was so big that everything he said got laughs and, like, he lost perspective and, like, you know, he stopped doing it.

[1935] He was so good, he had to stop.

[1936] I don't know, man. He was such a letdown for me because I was such a huge Steve Martin favor.

[1937] What was the letdown?

[1938] It was just, you know, that part, like around Sergeant Bilko years where he just kind of lost the part that was funny to me about him.

[1939] It's like, I can't really tell what it is.

[1940] is.

[1941] I can tell you exactly what it is.

[1942] Just age, I guess.

[1943] Yeah.

[1944] It happens to all of them.

[1945] It happens to almost everyone.

[1946] It's very difficult to maintain a sense of humor as, first of all, as your body starts to decay.

[1947] And second of all, as you have all these relationship problems, which they always do.

[1948] You know, you just have these fantastic weddings that turn into bitter divorces.

[1949] Their spirits start down.

[1950] And then you wonder, well, this is it.

[1951] I'm here already.

[1952] And now, you know, like 45 or something like that.

[1953] And I'm a movie star and I'm making all this money.

[1954] And I don't even enjoy myself.

[1955] and I don't even enjoy the product and what is funny anymore.

[1956] And when you're not doing stand -up, when you don't have that immediate, for me at least, I would not be confident in whether or not what I think is funny.

[1957] I know that I know how to make things funny.

[1958] I know what things are funny and aren't funny because I do stand -up so much.

[1959] So it's like you become like immersed in the language of comedy.

[1960] But when you're removed from that completely, removed from the idea or the act of creating the comedy and then producing and then putting on stage and then performing it and then honing it and then sharpening up the bits and you learned things from that.

[1961] Like, oh, that was way better when I did it this way because I got to it quicker and the people understood it better.

[1962] You become immersed in the language of comedy.

[1963] You stay good.

[1964] You stay good.

[1965] But when they stop doing comedy, man, they stop writing comedy and they just sort of like just act in movies for a while.

[1966] Like, you might as well be living on Mars, motherfucker.

[1967] You're not even living with people.

[1968] You're walking around in a plastic bubble and people are getting you, you know, bagels and locks at the craft service table and you're pulling up in a Ferrari and complaining, you know, because there's an knock in it.

[1969] piece of shit.

[1970] You know, and you go in the set and you get makeup put on you.

[1971] They're fucking fitting a hairpiece to you to make your hair look big and thick.

[1972] I mean, that's what kind of a weird world is that?

[1973] And you're walking down the carpet, and that's your interaction with humans.

[1974] Your interaction with humans is on the set, and people serving you, and then your next project.

[1975] And it's always this weird relationship where you're a star, and they're the underlings, and they all need to keep you happy to keep their job.

[1976] And so everyone's, like, super supportive, and you don't even know what the fuck is up and what's down.

[1977] And you're just drunk all the time, fucked up on pills.

[1978] You know, you don't even know.

[1979] Lose yourself.

[1980] It's the reason why so many of these guys become completely insane.

[1981] You know, that world, the idea of living like that, it's just you've got to be out of your fucking head.

[1982] One of the most frustrating things ever when I first moved to Hollywood was just dealing with actors.

[1983] You know, guys who'd have done it their whole lives and guys who had been involved in the business for just decades and just be dealing with them, like, you aren't even fucking real, you know?

[1984] You're so odd.

[1985] fake and everybody's fake and it's like everybody accepts that everyone's fake no one's calling anybody out in any of this and the behavior is so strange you know everybody's pompous and she does a lot of uh extra work and uh so she's always on sets with like like uh she was on set the other day with uh was that guy's name uh the rapper l cool j cool j and stuff like do you ever have any like crazy stories of like working with some of these people because you okay this is funny uh l cool jay is walking around i didn't know who it was someone pointed it out.

[1986] I don't know who L .L. Cool James?

[1987] I don't know what he looks like.

[1988] I've only heard him.

[1989] I never looked at his picture.

[1990] What was the other thing that you didn't know?

[1991] She doesn't know a lot of stuff, which is kind of cool.

[1992] You didn't know something yesterday that was really weird, though.

[1993] Oh, you didn't know about the Howard Stern show.

[1994] You didn't know who Robin was.

[1995] There was Howard Stern and Robin.

[1996] That to me is...

[1997] She doesn't know a lot of things.

[1998] Like, you go, do you know this TV show?

[1999] She's like, what, Cosby show?

[2000] That doesn't make sense.

[2001] I would think that you would be able to...

[2002] Most people would be able to name who Robin Quivers was and the Howard's...

[2003] You guys heard.

[2004] More people would know that than...

[2005] know who was president before Clinton yeah but you know nowadays Howard Stern she's 22 you know she still she missed the big Howard Stern really yeah I mean yeah yeah okay because he was on satellite radio when you were like in high school right yeah okay that makes sense you know right right wow it still seems insane yeah so what about oh cool okay go ahead LL Cool J so you didn't know who LL Cool J is like a child I didn't know what LL Cool J look like but someone pointed him out to me and he's going up all on set all around like the girls and he's like hey ladies how you doing rubbing their shoulders he's like yeah yeah you're looking good what you're doing i'm not i'm looking at him do this and i'm like this guy is ridiculous like he's walking around like he owns the place touching all these like young girls and they're like uh -huh and i'm like you better not touch me i'm like you use like your l l cool j credit just to be like hey ladies i just thought it was like kind of the duchiest thing hmm but were you hating because he didn't come rub on you oh no what am i a psycho But the girls, did the girls not like it?

[2006] No, the girls were into it.

[2007] I'm just looking at it.

[2008] And I'm like, that's so unreal.

[2009] Like, he's just walking around like, but if they liked it, what's the problem?

[2010] If they liked it and he liked doing it.

[2011] Yeah, I don't know.

[2012] It's just, it's odd.

[2013] You thought that he was going to do it to you.

[2014] That's why it was weird.

[2015] No, it's just weird that he does it because he's LL.

[2016] Cool J. Because a regular guy who's not his status wouldn't walk around like, yeah, what's going on.

[2017] Right.

[2018] Right.

[2019] But that's what she's saying.

[2020] It's weird.

[2021] But it's not a normal person.

[2022] He's walking out.

[2023] Is he using that credit if the girls actually like it?

[2024] That's where it gets tricky.

[2025] If they actually like him doing that, is he using it?

[2026] No, no, she's not even saying that.

[2027] She's just saying it's weird seeing somebody act like it in general.

[2028] I don't give a shit what they do.

[2029] Right, I totally agree with you.

[2030] But if they like it, is it still weird?

[2031] If I saw that, it would be weird.

[2032] If I saw some guy walking around going, hey, what's up, baby?

[2033] Oh, can give him a kiss.

[2034] And the girls are like, ah.

[2035] But why would we judge this if he's enjoying it and they're enjoying it?

[2036] You know what I'm saying?

[2037] It's one thing if you came up to you and you were like, like, okay, this is fucking, I just came here to work, all right?

[2038] And I don't want to be weirded out by some cult of personality.

[2039] But that'd be me being, like, prissy then?

[2040] No, that's not you, no, that's not you being prissy.

[2041] You don't think so?

[2042] No. I just thought it was...

[2043] Someone should not violate your space.

[2044] Like, if, you know, if that was like, if you were there or, you know, you were dating a guy and he was right next to you and L. Cool J did that, that would be disrespectful, right?

[2045] Yeah, of course, right?

[2046] Well, then it's disrespectful even if your boyfriend's not there.

[2047] You're not supposed to go up to someone, just start touching them.

[2048] Yeah.

[2049] You know, you got to, he's got to know that you, you know, you like him first.

[2050] There's got to be some communication going, hey, can I rub your shoulders?

[2051] You can't just go up and start rubbing people's shoulders.

[2052] But that's what he was doing.

[2053] I know.

[2054] And then they liked it.

[2055] But he was using, I guess, that's who, uh.

[2056] It's like the Clinton move.

[2057] And Clinton would just pull his dick out on girls.

[2058] Do you know Clinton used to do that?

[2059] No. Yeah.

[2060] Dude, he did it a bunch of times.

[2061] It's hilarious because it's like a frat boy move.

[2062] Like Clinton would be alone with chicks and just pull his dick out.

[2063] Right.

[2064] And people would go, how could he do that?

[2065] I'll tell you how he could do that.

[2066] Because it worked.

[2067] Right.

[2068] it probably worked 80 % of the time you know it probably worked even more than that he's fucking Bill Clinton I bet if he felt a thing he felt the green light I'm gonna go for it I bet he whipped out his dick and like 80 % of the time it was a home run but it was those the awkward 20 that would just crash into the woods like he misread them or they just got so offended that he would do that they just flipped over the other way you know whatever the fuck it is but he would rock that all the time that's what he would do just pull his dick out what's your hatred of hot chicks but hold on a second but I'm not finished there so that's like what Al Kool's day is doing he's doing a very mild version of pulling his dick out he's just going for it yeah I guess so so if you're with a guy right and you really attracted the guy and he pulls his dick out his dick out and you just go for it I'd be like what do you think I am like you have my fucking animal but what if you're really into him if you're really into the guy it's possible right if I was a chick it was really into it was a perfect situation the perfect circumstance the guy pulls his dick out you gotta go what the hell I think there's a difference though if like really liking L .O. Cool J because he's a celebrity and liking his rap and then thinking okay now he has his dick out wait okay we're not talking about L. Cool J that was the president this is a different story we're mixing up our metaphors but I think I totally agree with you I would think it would be gross too but if they like it and he likes it then it's a match made in set heaven yeah set heaven there you go Yeah, well, you know, I mean, I bet a lot of girls that come on the show just to meet him, you know?

[2069] L .L. Cool, Jay is a suck symbol, right?

[2070] A lot of those freaky bitches that probably come on shore.

[2071] They probably act as extras just to meet LL.

[2072] Oh, I can't believe he right there.

[2073] Oh, my goodness.

[2074] It's probably mostly 40 -year -old women, though, and 30 -year -old woman.

[2075] Really?

[2076] Yeah, I don't see no young girls going, oh, my God, L .L. Col Jace.

[2077] Oh, you're crazy.

[2078] He's a stud.

[2079] He's a stud.

[2080] Really?

[2081] I don't know.

[2082] He's kind of like a...

[2083] She's 22 -year -built, like a linebacker.

[2084] I think she would probably...

[2085] You might think, like, girls think that that's a stud.

[2086] sexy but I'm like I see a 45 year old man who's probably married I don't know but he just looks like a man like he looks like a normal man he's not sexy okay Ella Cool J is sexy if I was a chick I would find him very sexy he's built he's got fucking workout books where he's on the cover completely shredded you're hating my El O Cool J theory is starting to become correct what is the L Cool J theory I don't know this is the second time we've talked about El O 'Cool Jay and then you've defended his honor so I'm thinking that's Because I think, well, I probably wouldn't want to hang out with the dude, but I defend his right to be cocky.

[2087] He's L .L. Cool J. He pulled it off.

[2088] You know, plus he's a rapper.

[2089] Rappers have to be cocky.

[2090] That's part of the sport.

[2091] Yeah, I don't know if it's just me. It's attractive to know a guy is physically fit and has, like, physical fitness, but it's not, like, hot all because they're, like, muscular, or built.

[2092] That's all, that's all you.

[2093] Everybody's different.

[2094] I think everybody is different.

[2095] I was talking to him last night.

[2096] There's a lot of girls.

[2097] There's a lot of guys like fat chicks, like big, big, fat ones.

[2098] We have friends.

[2099] Really?

[2100] I think of this one fan, he's not happy.

[2101] He's just 30, 40 pounds overweight.

[2102] He likes it.

[2103] He likes them jiggly and barely hanging into their clothes.

[2104] For whatever reason, it turns him on.

[2105] And he's a skinny guy.

[2106] Hmm.

[2107] Just his thing.

[2108] Hmm.

[2109] Hmm.

[2110] I think it's a smell that they give off.

[2111] It's just like that.

[2112] Fucky.

[2113] God sucks.

[2114] Like food, right?

[2115] Like pheromones.

[2116] Right.

[2117] It smells like a difference between sweaty butt and thigh and mixed with old hamburgers.

[2118] And that turns people on?

[2119] Yeah, maybe it's not.

[2120] what I think it is.

[2121] Honestly, I think it's your first sexual experience.

[2122] You know, you have like a really hot sexual experience.

[2123] It's with a fat girl and you your brain becomes imprinted to sexuality being attracted, you know.

[2124] Maybe that happens to some people.

[2125] That is kind of interesting.

[2126] That means I would like brown hair girls with big boobs.

[2127] Brown -haired girls with big boobs.

[2128] That was your first?

[2129] Yeah.

[2130] Tell us more.

[2131] Do you get that?

[2132] Do you have like a specific type?

[2133] No, I don't.

[2134] Not at all.

[2135] Not at all.

[2136] Not crazy.

[2137] pretty much is what I look for nowadays.

[2138] Not crazy.

[2139] Not crazy.

[2140] Yeah.

[2141] What percentage of girls that you've dated have been crazy?

[2142] Most of them.

[2143] 90?

[2144] Yeah.

[2145] Hmm.

[2146] Do you think girls are crazy, Allison?

[2147] You're around with a lot of chicks.

[2148] Do you think the majority of your friends are to blame and that they're like the crazy person?

[2149] A lot of the girls I'm friends with, they'll be like, oh, so I have an issue with my boyfriend, but I think I'm just not going to tell him and like see if it will go away without me telling him, but I'm going to act mad and I'm next time I see him.

[2150] I'm like, why don't you do that?

[2151] Here's a question.

[2152] When you're around a bunch of people and you keep having relationships like this over and over and over again, with crazy people, you have all these problems.

[2153] How do you stop that?

[2154] How do you reset and how do you somehow or another move forward without all this bullshit in your life?

[2155] How do you do that?

[2156] I try to, like most of my crazy -ass bitches, I try to remain friends with them and have some kind of cool level with them where it makes yourself kind of heal that way to think, this person's fucking crazy, but I could still be friends with this crazy bitch, you know?

[2157] Right, but I'm saying, how do you move forward in your own life and stop this from happening, stop this pattern from appeals?

[2158] Oh, how do I stop dating crazy bitches?

[2159] Become gay, obviously.

[2160] Start sucking dick.

[2161] Oh, cool, Jay, look me up.

[2162] Where you at?

[2163] Where you at, girl?

[2164] That was a sad, sad, sad answer.

[2165] I think the two answers, you don't have an answer, right?

[2166] No, no, I really don't have an answer.

[2167] I mean, how do you have an answer for that?

[2168] You can.

[2169] It happens.

[2170] I mean, look at Allison's Psycho, McEyes, over there.

[2171] She's about to snap.

[2172] Look at her.

[2173] Are you about the snap?

[2174] Some of those uncomfortable moments in the drunk cast, especially the first one, when you guys were hanging on each other.

[2175] I'm like, wow, do you really want this out there, man?

[2176] Why?

[2177] You guys are so silly.

[2178] It felt like dirty.

[2179] I was like a voyeur.

[2180] You know, not just a lawyer, but like I was watching two people in a living room hanging out and they were drunk and they were being silly together.

[2181] Like, I'm like, I shouldn't be here.

[2182] That's great.

[2183] Well, did you have pants on?

[2184] No, I never have pants on.

[2185] Well, that's probably what the main reason was.

[2186] You shouldn't be watching us.

[2187] I walk around naked like a cave man, bro.

[2188] One of my good friends I grew up with, I've known him since we were like 10.

[2189] He says he was watching it and he's like, honestly, I got like kind of uncomfortable feeling as I was watching it.

[2190] Yeah, a lot of people actually said the same thing, Joe.

[2191] Because he wants to fuck you.

[2192] That's what's up.

[2193] What?

[2194] Me?

[2195] Dude.

[2196] Oh, that dude, yeah.

[2197] He got uncomfortable.

[2198] You know why he got uncomfortable?

[2199] Because it was me. It's just I'm not the guy I was when I was younger.

[2200] You don't know You don't know me I'm like I thought you were gay You thought he was gay?

[2201] I did when we were like Kids But he has a girlfriend And he has a girlfriend But he does have a thing for you huh He said it once And I was like I was like get the fuck out of my room Oh really what happened I'm all high And I'm trying to go to bed And he was living with me And he comes in my Whoa whoa He was your roommate Yeah because his parents He kicked him out of the house Did you ever find Like loads in your shoes Or anything like that Is that was No he comes in my room and he's like hey all listen to sit in my little chair like this next to my bed and I'm like hey what's going on he's like so I've been thinking like if we weren't such good friends I would fuck you and I was like get the fuck out of my room whoa yeah and that's it we never brought it back up I brought it back up like a couple weeks later and I was like you want to fuck me and I'm like you were making fun of them saying you want to fuck me oh what a friend's awesome what a confidence booster awesome having you around surprise you didn't jump out of a fucking window and I'll never get it Wow.

[2202] Well, you know, how old was he at the time?

[2203] We were 19.

[2204] Yeah, when you're 19, you don't know what the fuck you're saying.

[2205] No, we're 18, 19.

[2206] Three years ago, man. Yeah, I'm all that.

[2207] So, many months.

[2208] Yeah.

[2209] 30 fucking months or so.

[2210] It's two and a half years.

[2211] 1700 days.

[2212] Yeah, not that much, really.

[2213] When you think about it, two and a half years ago, you were the same guy.

[2214] So was I. When you were like 22, though, it's a different fucking world.

[2215] If you knew me in 22, you'd be so scared of me. Or two and a half years before that, right?

[2216] Yeah.

[2217] Were you crazy back then?

[2218] I was crazier When I was a hippie probably Just because I was fucked up All that's what you were talking about earlier When we were talking about Jersey Shore Like could you imagine if you had a video A camera's falling you around back when you were at that stage No You'd come off so douchey Yeah Oh my God So gross Even when I was 18 I used to like think I was invincible I went to that whole stage Where I'm like yeah I don't need to wear my seatbelt All that other bullshit I'm gonna get a motorist Kind of yeah And then you get out of that stage And you're like, what was I doing?

[2219] Have you never been hurt before?

[2220] I have.

[2221] I got hurt a bunch of times as a kid, so I never had that feeling.

[2222] I broke my arm when I was six.

[2223] I snapped my forearm in two where it was like hanging off.

[2224] It was fucking creepy.

[2225] There was like a big dent in the middle of my forearm.

[2226] And like my hand was like the wrong, you know, it was like hanging, like folded.

[2227] It's like traumatizing.

[2228] Yeah, it was really bad.

[2229] It was a bad break.

[2230] Yeah.

[2231] They didn't have to put plates in it though.

[2232] They just said it somehow or another.

[2233] You should hear this car accident.

[2234] She was in, man. Really?

[2235] You want to talk about that?

[2236] Mm -hmm.

[2237] about her boyfriend and her wearing a...

[2238] How old were you?

[2239] I was 15.

[2240] Seatbelt or no seatbelt?

[2241] Seat belt.

[2242] Okay.

[2243] And I was in the back seat.

[2244] Got my best friend.

[2245] The girl who actually said I wasn't a woman of God.

[2246] She went crazy from this.

[2247] What happened?

[2248] Really?

[2249] From this?

[2250] From this accident.

[2251] Well, you could have included that when you were telling us how nutty she was.

[2252] No, it's good because I can relate it.

[2253] Oh, okay.

[2254] So she's sitting on my right, or whatever, my left.

[2255] My boyfriend at the time was on my right.

[2256] There's a guy driving, and we're going down the road and we're going to go to this haunted house.

[2257] So he makes like a huge.

[2258] U -turn and winds up hydroplaining and we hit a tree going like 55 miles an hour.

[2259] Oh, God.

[2260] And I wake up covered in blood and everyone had to pretty much get cut out of the car.

[2261] And my boyfriend was pronounced dead, but he lived but was in a coma for two months and had brain surgery all because my cheekbone hit his temple.

[2262] And it severed an artery and his brain got pushed over to the side.

[2263] And the other kid was pronounced dead but lived, but he's like kind of brain damaged.

[2264] He's okay now, though.

[2265] and then my best friend who obviously was okay next to me but she got a concussion and after that she was like I'm a woman of God oh really so yeah the next day I'm in the hospital and the guy comes in and he goes Allison I want to be here if it wasn't bad news but one of the guys aren't going to make it through the night and I was like oh great and there's my boyfriend and I's like 11th month anniversary that day so it was like really fucked up and then I go to the hospital finally to go see him and they're reading him's last rights because they were going to loan his organs out.

[2266] Wow.

[2267] But he lived and he was kind of like slow for a while.

[2268] Right.

[2269] But now he's totally fine.

[2270] Right.

[2271] He's not the same person before the accident, but he's still a person.

[2272] He has a big indent of your face on his face.

[2273] Yeah.

[2274] He has this big like scar all the way to here and all because like my cheekbone was just like smash.

[2275] God damn.

[2276] Yeah, that was nuts.

[2277] But.

[2278] Hydroplaining is scary as fuck man. Those old shitty cars.

[2279] My first car was a 68 -442.

[2280] Not my first car.

[2281] My first car was a 73 Chavelle, but my first car that was worth more than $10 was a 68 -442.

[2282] It was an old hot rod, and it had a 400 cubic inch engine.

[2283] It was like way too much power for a retard like me, you know, and I was like 16, maybe 17 at the time.

[2284] And I hydroplane right in front of my school.

[2285] I just, I had bald tires.

[2286] The tires just weren't that good, and there was a lot of water on the ground, and the car slid sideways and slammed into a fucking telephone pole and a tree.

[2287] Broke the car in half.

[2288] What happened to you?

[2289] Nothing.

[2290] Nothing was fine.

[2291] And the crazy thing is, me and the two dudes I was driving with were fine.

[2292] We weren't going that fast.

[2293] It was just a shitty car.

[2294] It's just fucking old.

[2295] And if you hit the tree like that with a new car today, it wouldn't do nearly as much damage.

[2296] But that car just broke in half.

[2297] It was just kind of old and the frame wasn't good, I guess.

[2298] But I hit it pretty good.

[2299] I mean, I hit it pretty decent.

[2300] But I wasn't even going that fast, man. It was just those old cars, they just have no control of them.

[2301] They suck, man. The brakes sucked.

[2302] Oh, remember how long it used to take?

[2303] Oh, my God.

[2304] I had a Skylark, a 1970 Skylark, and you'd have to, like, be really careful with the brakes.

[2305] You'd have to be really careful with stopping.

[2306] Like, stop way earlier than you think.

[2307] Because you'd be like, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

[2308] Like, every time you stop, it was like an ordeal, you know?

[2309] Then you, like, have a new car today, man, with disc brakes, ABS and shit.

[2310] Yeah.

[2311] Technology, brother.

[2312] Technology.

[2313] Someday they're going to be making fun of people for driving around.

[2314] Remember when people have to, like, get in their car and drive places?

[2315] People have to wake up and go outside.

[2316] When is the mail?

[2317] Teleport, bro.

[2318] You're going to be able to teleport.

[2319] You're going to be able to move.

[2320] Like the mailman.

[2321] When is that going to go out of business?

[2322] That's very soon.

[2323] That's like five years, I'd say.

[2324] I still send things and buy things and get things ordered by mail and send, I have to send checks in and stuff.

[2325] It's going to be so, like, unpractical soon.

[2326] Well, the problem is when you have no paper, you have no fucking, you know, it's Things are getting weirder and weirder.

[2327] At one point in time, money used to represent gold, right?

[2328] It used to represent your, this $100 bill is worth $100 worth of gold.

[2329] Well, it doesn't really mean that anymore.

[2330] Now it's like, you just have confidence that this $100 is worth $100.

[2331] And what happens if it's all just numbers?

[2332] Like, if you don't even have paper, you're constantly looking at computer screens.

[2333] Those screens are telling you what your numbers are and where are these numbers located?

[2334] Are they somewhere?

[2335] Are they even fucking real?

[2336] And then the economy becomes so transparent and so elusive and then it becomes too fucking strange you know I think we need some physical form we need money we need paper money you know we still need that shit we need something to just cling us to the idea that that money is a real thing you know when it all just becomes zeros and ones and zeros and then just people just start jacking each other for their ones and zeros and adding ones and zeros where they don't belong and it's fucking it's not good man it's like all the shit that's going down and you know all the money that goes to Iraq and Afghanistan and how much of it's missing.

[2337] Like all that the Halliburton scams and scandals.

[2338] It's fucking billions.

[2339] Billions of dollars.

[2340] Missing?

[2341] Yeah, they don't know where it is.

[2342] They're hiding it there?

[2343] You can't find it.

[2344] You did something.

[2345] And lately the U2 Bono's organization Redd, do you know about all this?

[2346] It's supposed to be for AIDS in Africa.

[2347] Oh, right, right.

[2348] Well, 66 % of the money stolen.

[2349] They don't know where the fucking went.

[2350] People were stealing from Bono's helping AIDS organization.

[2351] People just suck.

[2352] Do you think the stealing is going on over there or around here?

[2353] It's a good question.

[2354] I don't think they've isolated it yet.

[2355] I don't know.

[2356] You know, could it easily be going on in Africa.

[2357] I mean, how can you put it past Africa?

[2358] Right.

[2359] One for you.

[2360] One for me. That documentary of Liberia, how they had to get out of there because like they heard that the guys had money.

[2361] So the guys who were filming it had to get out.

[2362] Were you talking about the vice guide to Liberia?

[2363] Yeah.

[2364] We talk about that on the podcast almost every week.

[2365] Oh, really?

[2366] Because it's so fucking crazy.

[2367] If you have not seen it, folks, please get it.

[2368] You said it's on Netflix, right?

[2369] Yeah.

[2370] Netflix.

[2371] streaming.

[2372] How did we get into this conversation?

[2373] We're talking about Project Red.

[2374] Oh, the scam.

[2375] You know, the billions of dollars are missing.

[2376] This is you two's guy, Bono's fucking organization.

[2377] And then the Halliburton shit, how much money is missing there?

[2378] If Halliburton was like one guy, they would never be able to get away with that.

[2379] You know, it was one person.

[2380] It's like, where's like, you're missing billions.

[2381] Where is it?

[2382] I don't know.

[2383] I don't know.

[2384] It's gone.

[2385] But because it's a corporation, you know, it's like you could be, you could be missing billions.

[2386] But the weird thing is they get to vote like a person.

[2387] And they get to use money like a person and make donations like a person.

[2388] So they act as one?

[2389] Yeah.

[2390] One of the most recent findings or Supreme Court rulings was that corporations had the same rights as an individual so they could donate money like an individual can donate, like whatever you want, which is ridiculous.

[2391] So Vermont is the first state to step up and deny that.

[2392] Vermont is the first state.

[2393] They recently announced that they're not going to allow corporations to behave as a human being and that they're going to judge them in a different way.

[2394] So it's kind of interesting, you know.

[2395] It's interesting that one state finally has the balls to step up.

[2396] You know, Vermont is a weird state.

[2397] It's always been like real kind of hippie, you know, kind of like Ben and Jerry's Grateful Deadish.

[2398] And there's not that many people up there, you know.

[2399] Isn't that where that Bob Dole guy came from?

[2400] Not Bob Dole, the other guy.

[2401] The guy that got, he was running for president.

[2402] John Kerry?

[2403] No, no, no. The guy was running for president, and then he screamed too much, and they, uh, fucking cunt.

[2404] You don't know his name, but he turned to you.

[2405] I'm trying to search.

[2406] I'm like searching my brain.

[2407] Nothing.

[2408] Ah, I don't remember his name.

[2409] God damn it.

[2410] He was a really articulate guy.

[2411] I'm sure someone on Twitter will tell me almost immediately.

[2412] He was a really articulate guy, but, uh, for whatever reason, he did this, uh, one speech where, uh, while he was doing a speech, fucking homeboy started yelling.

[2413] Just to like.

[2414] he was just like excited then we're gonna you know then we're gonna take over new york and they're gonna take over california oh my god it was like at a rally and he didn't realize you know that the microphone you know he when you think you're screaming and yelling you know and you think that the sound of the crowd is like uh you're at the same level the sound of the crowd so you can't even hear your own voice well the microphone's right in front of his face so the microphone is only picking him up so it sounded like extra completely crazy all right someone will tell me on the message board please because i know you fuckers know name is 66 % of Bono's money.

[2415] Howard Dean.

[2416] Thank you, sir.

[2417] Mr. Denison.

[2418] He came out with it.

[2419] That's the dude's name.

[2420] Howard Dean.

[2421] I believe he was the governor of Vermont.

[2422] So it's a, it's a freaky little fucking state.

[2423] But they stepped up and said the corporations aren't people, you fuckheads.

[2424] Will that help?

[2425] No, not unless you move to Vermont.

[2426] Do you want to move to Vermont?

[2427] No. It's too cool.

[2428] Yeah, Vermont.

[2429] No, my friend Shane lived in that and there was points where it was snowing so bad that he had to like drive through tunnels just you know like they had to like he was stuck at his house for weeks at times oh yeah oh yeah that's normal fuck that yeah Vermont's no joke you can't be traveling on the road as much as we do and live in Vermont so that's out right um there was one other thing that I want to talk about before we get out of here but I don't remember what it is um got anything Brian um yeah did you guys hear yeah I think I already told you but flavor flave has a new uh chicken um he's selling chicken now and it's hilarious it's called Flavor Flavors fried chicken I want it and it's in I believe Iowa and if you gotta Google it Google search that and just look at the advertising for it's just a one it doesn't even look like Flava Flaves Fried Chicken.

[2430] Why Iowa?

[2431] It's just him mixed with chicken wings.

[2432] There's a lot of people love chicken in Iowa.

[2433] Hilarious stuff I guess so.

[2434] Flavor Flavs one of those dudes just always going to kind of be around.

[2435] Yeah You don't hear about Chuck D anymore You never hear about Professor Griff You don't hear about other members Yeah You know Terminator X Where's Terminator X bro?

[2436] I don't know I don't know But Flav of Flav Did you watch the Flav of Flav show They were trying to get him a girlfriend Yes And the one girl who shit on the stairs Yes that was so fucking hilarious You didn't see that?

[2437] I didn't see that by it Brian Yeah I stopped What happened She passed out And she shit in on the stairs Or something like that Something like that It was so long ago She shit And they wound up on stairs Or she, yeah, what the fuck was that?

[2438] I think she was walking up the stairs and she shit her pants.

[2439] Yeah, poop fell out on the stairs.

[2440] How long did he keep her on the show?

[2441] Oh, I don't know.

[2442] But, I mean, come on.

[2443] What kind of human is just shitting themselves?

[2444] Yeah, that's funny.

[2445] Walking around dropping logs out of their pants.

[2446] I want to wish, hope that's completely real, too.

[2447] And that's not like some, like, stone director.

[2448] Like, dude, just put a little poop coming out.

[2449] He had all the girls make chicken and see what made the best chicken.

[2450] And then he, this one lady served him.

[2451] And he's like, are you serious?

[2452] This isn't even cooked.

[2453] I can't believe you'd serve this because she fucked it up.

[2454] well that's unfortunate kicked her off some people aren't that good at making chicken guess not the reality shows don't have to make things up man those shows they don't have to you know shows like Jersey Shore you don't have to there's enough craziness out there teen moms you don't have to you don't have to make something out that's like I audition for that WWE divas thing and then I didn't really know what it was all about and she told me I did when was this last week whoa to be in the house she was like to be in the house oh it's a show yeah I guess like you get in the house and then you do all these like competitive type things where you battle for like a WWE diva where you do like interviews and fights sometimes.

[2455] The girl was like you're almost perfect for this spot da da da and I was like sweet and then I was thinking about it and I'm like oh it's gonna be six weeks of filming and they're gonna it's gonna be a crazy reality show probably if it did work out.

[2456] Right.

[2457] So what does that mean?

[2458] I would never want to be in a house for six weeks.

[2459] I would never do those reality show house.

[2460] Yeah but when you're 22?

[2461] I like I like taking opportunities that sound like kind of crazy so I actually would probably might do it So you're going to do it?

[2462] You're going to be a pro wrestler You know what someday when you're a big name pro wrestling You're on TV and you're battling We'll say we called it here first When you're like an interviewer And then you get drawn into the fight Right that's what's going to happen right?

[2463] That's what they want Yeah I think it's a good move I would say do it I think it sounds funny Flex flexier What my neck?

[2464] Why am I doing?

[2465] No you're how you can flex your Oh you wouldn't be able to see it in this shirt What you flex your boobs?

[2466] My peck muscles Oh okay It's creepy She just raises Z to one Is she getting you to work out Because you guys are hanging out You're gonna get a gym pass Huh?

[2467] I can physically train you Whoa She's a physical training Powerful alpha male Female, what?

[2468] No, I wouldn't We could just run together No No?

[2469] Not into it?

[2470] You don't care about shape Shit You're happy with your shape You're happy with your cigarettes And everything You don't need to change Don't ever change Don't change West Palm Beach this weekend You dirty dirty bitches Thanks to the fleshlight For sponsoring the show If you go to Joe Rogan again click the link type in rogan it's all explained for you get 15 % off uh thank you allison if you guys want to follow allison on twitter it's allison rocks r o x and there's two ls and alison i didn't know that thanks so much for having on the show thanks for being on it's fun and uh red band is r e b a n and you probably know mine is just my name who fuck are you i don't know i don't know who i am i don't think you know who you are either i think you're fron all right we will be back uh most likely tomorrow i would say that and sometimes we don't have a show, but I think we're going to put one together tomorrow.

[2471] You motherfuckers.

[2472] All right, so this weekend, West Palm Beach Improv, 28th, 29th, and 30th with Ari Shafir.

[2473] Next weekend, the big fat, fucked up show in Vegas, Friday, February 4th, Mandalay Bay, theater, Joe Diaz, Ari Shafir, and me. It's a big fucking place, but tickets are selling fast.

[2474] So if you want to get that shit, Sean, go online at jorogan .com.

[2475] There's a link for that, too.

[2476] All right.

[2477] Love you guys.

[2478] See you soon.

[2479] Bye.

[2480] Later.