#41 - Ari Shaffir

[0] two three uh that's how that's how they're a lot of his stuff is like that that guy the guy who is singing that song the guy's name with well his stage name is toneta that was weird And he's, oh, he's way weirder in real life.

[1] This song is weird, but the guy's way weirder, weirder in real life.

[2] He lives in Toronto.

[3] He does not perform, but there's a group that performs his songs as a representation of his songs.

[4] They put masks on and shit.

[5] Wow.

[6] And they perform, like, a tonnet of show.

[7] But he's like this weird dude who just records these songs and these crazy fucking music videos in front of, like, like, a curtain that he put over his kitchen.

[8] You know, it's like, really primitive his his lip syncing is totally off like this the the the sound of the music right but for whatever reason it's really compelling it's interesting and he's got dozens of songs dozens of songs are there he's really prolific and i don't like a lot of it but a lot of it's great so this is like a remake of like no this is this is shit this is this is his shit this is this is a live show people just yeah right and the live he doesn't perform live he just performs his fucking kitchen I bought his, I mean, I want to support it so much, I bought his record.

[9] Is he super fat or super thin?

[10] He's like a gay guy from Silence of the Lambs.

[11] That's what he looks like.

[12] He looks, he looks, there's something, I mean, I don't know if he's gay.

[13] Does it come with free open swords?

[14] If he's not gay, he's willing to try it, he just looks like.

[15] Talk him into it.

[16] He looks like a guy who's seen some fucking hard parties.

[17] You know, it's just, it's really strange.

[18] He does his, um, his YouTube videos in like little tiny spandex underwear and shit.

[19] and just that's it, you know, and dances around, and he just dresses like a woman sometimes, and it's just really, really strange.

[20] I watched a little bit of it.

[21] It looks kind of like the, put the fuck lotion on the basket.

[22] Yeah, it puts the lotion in the basket.

[23] Yeah, the silts the lens, gay guy.

[24] Yeah, he looks like that guy, kind of.

[25] Yeah, he's, yeah.

[26] I bet he uses a flashlight.

[27] Yeah, we have to say that at the beginning of every show.

[28] Flashlight's our sponsor of the podcast.

[29] Ari Shavir, you still not fucked one, have you?

[30] I will.

[31] I don't want to have one for you.

[32] I have an addictive personality.

[33] I do, too.

[34] I don't, I'm going to want to get into that.

[35] I do too.

[36] I think all comedians are impulsive and have addictive personalities, don't you think?

[37] A lot of them do.

[38] Most of us.

[39] Yeah.

[40] It's not weird to see someone with a coke habit or, you know, any sort of weird.

[41] Yeah, there's always...

[42] Sort of compulsion.

[43] Yeah, compulsions.

[44] Compulsions, it's weird how compulsions manifest themselves, how, like, all the sudden, like, you become obsessed with this one thing, you know, it could be a...

[45] game you know it could be beating off it could be how much i hate brian wow really i'm right here you dick i'm sorry it's here you're on a different camera what's the weirdest compulsion you've ever had me yeah um i mean what i'm beating it i guess what that's not weird when you think about it's like why do i have to keep touching myself like a fucking it's weird when you're not even horny no it's just like it's time to do this now yeah and we do this again yeah and then when you come it feels like nothing.

[46] It's just like, okay, now I can move back to whatever.

[47] I wasn't doing before.

[48] The only thing you get is a sense of satisfaction.

[49] I like, look, I got heart again.

[50] Look at that.

[51] Three times in a row.

[52] But be what the fuck is wrong with you, man?

[53] I once made a deal with myself in college to see if I could write this paper, I wanted to stay up and write it.

[54] So I said for every like two hours that I write, I can jerk off.

[55] Wow.

[56] That'll be my reward.

[57] And by like the seventh time I was jerking it, it was just like, it was just hit hurt and it was just nothing was coming out.

[58] It wasn't even hard.

[59] Damn, you went seven in a day?

[60] Yeah.

[61] I don't think I've gone more than three in a day, maybe four.

[62] Seven does not seem possible.

[63] It's not necessary at all, but I kept thinking like it's going to be good at the end of those two hours.

[64] Yeah, but what was coming out?

[65] Like barely anything, right?

[66] Nothing.

[67] You're like that dog where he still thinks he's peeing, but he's not peeing and he just makes the motion still?

[68] That's what you were doing.

[69] Yeah, it's such a weird way to just try to like appease a sexual obsession, just masturbating all the time.

[70] Yeah.

[71] I've hit that wall.

[72] where you're like, okay, I need to chill out a little.

[73] What am I doing?

[74] This is getting out of, getting out of hand.

[75] Well, you got, like, your special bookmarks.

[76] You go to your special bookmarks.

[77] You just go, I'll definitely get a jerk off right here to this.

[78] Right.

[79] You know there's certain clips, so you can enter you hope whatever porn thing is still for free on your iPhone?

[80] You think whatever's there, you can have, like, certain ones.

[81] Like, Paris, this girl, Paris.

[82] Parrish?

[83] Yeah, and she gives this guy, like, a lap dance.

[84] This guy had a brown paper bag.

[85] Really?

[86] Because he doesn't want his girlfriend to see.

[87] She gives him laugh dancing, then it turns out a blowjob, and then it turns into sex.

[88] Nice.

[89] You like that one, huh?

[90] Yeah, it was good.

[91] It was really good.

[92] It was like mostly her.

[93] The guy didn't do anything.

[94] He just sat there like a dummy.

[95] That's what you like, right?

[96] Yeah.

[97] That's your move.

[98] I want just as small amount as possible with the guy.

[99] Yeah, you don't want the guy just fucking the shit out of her.

[100] You want her doing all the work.

[101] Yeah.

[102] I'd even be willing to pan away from the insertion area for a while.

[103] Just keep it implied for like 15, 20 seconds.

[104] Watch her bounce up and down.

[105] Yeah.

[106] something about watching a guy just fuck the shit out of a girl that's not very attractive it's like you know like that's not even you can't that girl's gone she's she she the one I don't behind the guy behind his like oh the shot yeah behind his asses his assholes into her not no need that shot I don't yeah but they spend way too much time on it that's what happens when you you direct porn you just get desensitized to what regular people think is hot it's not some dude sweaty asshole bouncing in for your face tiny head in the background seeing her pussy and there's no perspective it's hard to tell like how long his dick is just ramming it like all right a lot of balls coming out in 3D if you got the room I get the meat Hey don't uh you know FaceTime on the iPhone don't ever FaceTime with Ari Sheffir because it always starts off like this like oh a FaceTime call video call first of all If he's gonna say anything about my dick he's lying It's a dick thanks for the dick That is not a thing I would ever do Yeah, right.

[107] You have pulled your dick out on numerous occasions, but for comedic effect.

[108] So you're saying you don't do it?

[109] I do it all the time.

[110] Of course he does.

[111] It's hilarious.

[112] How many times you think your dick has been out at the comedy store?

[113] It's in the hundreds.

[114] It's so much.

[115] Yeah, I've seen it a bunch.

[116] You ever worry about closing that place down, maybe?

[117] Would me get them in trouble for that?

[118] No, that's zero.

[119] No way?

[120] It's zero worry.

[121] Wow.

[122] I think what you're doing is illegal.

[123] I'm pretty sure it is.

[124] We had a big dick contest.

[125] It's like a salt.

[126] That once came out of a big dick contest.

[127] Yeah, it is like a salt.

[128] But at the comedy store, it seems to make sense.

[129] It doesn't seem like it's a problem at all.

[130] It doesn't seem like it's, yeah, it just seems like, yeah, that's a fucking crazy place.

[131] They had a big dick contest.

[132] This guy was like, I bet I have the biggest dick here.

[133] And someone was like, well, who else is going to do it?

[134] We need someone else.

[135] And everyone just turned to me who was sitting there.

[136] And I was like, yeah, all right, let's do it.

[137] But they were like, how are we going to tell?

[138] Because we don't have a, there's no way to know without heart or anything.

[139] Right.

[140] Some girl, some porn star girl was there.

[141] I was like, no, I'm going to blow you guys.

[142] Jesus Christ.

[143] And then judges my men.

[144] So, there's like, I don't know, nine or ten people in the audience.

[145] Oh, yeah.

[146] 10 people in the audience.

[147] Yeah, PJ filming it with his iPhone.

[148] Oh, my God.

[149] Yeah.

[150] And, yeah, so she blows it for a while.

[151] Tripoli's doing play -by -play on the sign mic.

[152] Oh, my God.

[153] And you're letting this dude film it for his iPhone?

[154] No, he's just doing it anyway.

[155] Like, come on, man. Put this away.

[156] So he has video footage.

[157] Yeah.

[158] And then I was nowhere near a boner at all.

[159] It was the funniest thing I've ever seen.

[160] She stops at one point and looks up.

[161] She goes, shh, baby, look at me. Look at me. So then I worked up at 20 %.

[162] Oh, so her ego got involved.

[163] I guess.

[164] She wanted to get that dick hard.

[165] She's like, look at baby, I can get your dick hard.

[166] Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. But I was like, this is such a ridiculous situation.

[167] Oh, my God.

[168] Like, you're going to get.

[169] I was crying with last thing.

[170] You're going to fall into it.

[171] Yeah.

[172] Oh, yeah.

[173] Who cares?

[174] you see a sucky baby you turn to your left you see your friend looking back you this far away what the fuck are you doing weird yeah that's you gotta be a crazy person and whip your dick out let some chick suck it in a room full of strangers yeah and then the guy um she blew the next guy for a little bit yeah wasn't anywhere near one either it was so ridiculous was there anyone upset that what was going on didn't yeah probably a couple of the waitersers probably got super cunty wouldn't you be someone like got mad wouldn't you be upset if one of the dudes did get a hard on just got a full fucking rager how disturbing would that be you know if he just got a rager and started getting into it and just totally ignored everybody else like oh yeah oh fuck yeah oh fucking hot bitch sucker and everybody would like get away get away he would like outdo us to the point where we would run away from him how are you in on this yeah how are you like this cool with this this is cool you got a hard that's a full hard on right what the fuck oh fucking love it bro she's hot It's fuck, ain't she?

[175] Yeah, look at it.

[176] Look what I get for her.

[177] Yeah.

[178] I used to do a bit about how...

[179] The craziest thing in porn is when you see two dudes, fuck a girl in the same hole.

[180] It's like, what?

[181] Who is looking for this?

[182] Like, you're just doing it to show that you can do it.

[183] What do you got there, Brian?

[184] You got a producer sound effects now?

[185] That's fucking brilliant.

[186] That's not much of a sound effect.

[187] Are those like little babies?

[188] This is from Charlie Bittme.

[189] Remember that old video?

[190] Charlie Bitt me?

[191] Sound effect board?

[192] Those are real babies, dude.

[193] Let's not do this.

[194] It's disturbing.

[195] Talking about all the dick sucking.

[196] It's making me really hard with the baby sound.

[197] These are real babies, bro.

[198] These aren't like fake babies.

[199] There's someone's kid out there.

[200] Charlie, it's Charlie.

[201] That's who it is.

[202] We know his name.

[203] It's not even an anonymous baby.

[204] It is Charlie.

[205] We know he's from England.

[206] Yeah.

[207] They're very polite over there.

[208] Polite babies, too.

[209] I love it.

[210] Charlie bit me. Makes them feel older.

[211] Interesting, isn't it?

[212] Yeah.

[213] Babies in America would be screaming their fucking heads off.

[214] Right.

[215] They'd be suing.

[216] You don't bite me. American babies would be suing them.

[217] Yeah, they would be yelling.

[218] Do you think when that video really took off the owners of that baby of Charlie and his brother, do you think they, or the parents, whatever they're called, the parents walked around to the other parents like, were better than you?

[219] Probably, right?

[220] Yeah.

[221] Our kids are clearly cute.

[222] Why hasn't that been on Tosh Point O, has it?

[223] I don't know.

[224] It should be, right?

[225] That's a perfect one for him.

[226] They're all grown up now.

[227] Somebody knows Daniel Tosh.

[228] We know him when we see him, but I don't know him enough to...

[229] I'm not going to suggest anything to him.

[230] I think you should do it.

[231] So somebody tweet him.

[232] Myspace.

[233] It's a great idea.

[234] MySpace.

[235] Send him in MySpace.

[236] I'm about to dock it down.

[237] I just took over all my old blogs.

[238] Yeah, me too.

[239] I'm about to just say goodbye.

[240] But then somebody at the Ice House last weekend was like, yeah, I follow your updates on MySpace.

[241] I was like, ha ha.

[242] Oh, you're serious?

[243] It's weird, right?

[244] Yeah.

[245] it's a weird feeling like it's a trend like why wouldn't we use it it still is a giant resource so nobody's there there's there there's still people on it but for whatever reason it feels tainted it's like a ghost town a lot more people are not on it than are on it so it's just a bunch of empty dead soul of my space pages it's not as glittery anymore what's made it like that how'd that happen everyone wants the other thing the one was slightly more usable a spam spam it was just spam it was just spam and it was just going to people's pages and having more crash your page or just annoying I mean it was just like a mess Safari browser coding or whatever was significantly difficult because they were allowed to get all these different things from different sources you know you could have a video that was linked from one website and a photo from other websites 40 things are running as soon as you load up yeah it's like an old Windows 95 program it was crashing all the time yeah fuck Tom especially on Safari yeah I don't think you had to say fuck Tom Yeah, what the fuck?

[246] He had nothing to do about it.

[247] We were all thinking it.

[248] Isn't it an interesting thing, though, that that's what these guys like Google and Facebook and MySpace, that's what they're doing now.

[249] They come up with something that's free, and they figure out a way to sell it and make billions.

[250] It's annoying us anyway with Facebook, just a side advertisements you get.

[251] Those annoy you?

[252] Those annoy me. But not enough to, like, not go, but it's just like, I don't want to constantly see these ads for comedy classes.

[253] They creep me out, dude, when they're about what I'm thinking about.

[254] Yeah, they're all about what you're doing.

[255] Yeah.

[256] Yeah.

[257] They have only ads for comedy classes, jujitsu, and if I'm in another state, suddenly those things come up.

[258] Yeah, yeah.

[259] Yeah, it's like, how do you know, bitch?

[260] You know what I am and what I'm into?

[261] Yeah, they're giving you suggestions.

[262] Catered on where your location is and what you've looked for and what you've talked about in your emails.

[263] That's so strange.

[264] I mean, from a marketing standpoint, it's like, yeah, target me, I guess.

[265] I just wish it was better.

[266] Like, I could be like, I'm never, ever going to take a comedy class.

[267] Yeah.

[268] Stop that.

[269] What can they get it from now?

[270] I know they get it from Google searches.

[271] Interests.

[272] But what a bit?

[273] Do they get it from emails yet?

[274] Because I said that, I don't know if that's totally true.

[275] If you write an email about certain subjects, do they, do they?

[276] You're anonymously, meaning you're not connected to you at all.

[277] You're connected to a random number that has nothing to do with you.

[278] But your, yeah, your statistics are sold.

[279] That's why you get free Gmail.

[280] You know, that's why you can shit like that.

[281] But like what I'm saying, like, say if I made you an email where I talked about belt buckles, would I start getting little ads for belt buckles?

[282] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[283] While you're checking your Gmail, not in your inbox, but like on the side of your Gmail.

[284] Right, right.

[285] And based on an email?

[286] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[287] It takes it from your words in your email.

[288] That's why, like, if you upload a video to YouTube nowadays, they have a voice translator that listens to the video and then deciphers the, the, the words in the video and then sells it based on those words.

[289] So, like, I did a video the other day, like, called something forensic files or something like that.

[290] And then when you watch the video, it's like, get, become a forensic scientist on my YouTube, like, an ad pops up.

[291] And I'm like, what?

[292] That's crazy.

[293] Wow.

[294] From your emails, man. So they're taking audio from YouTube clips now.

[295] So now, but then that means they're going to start using it to catch people that are doing crimes, right?

[296] Oh, yeah, for sure.

[297] Because they would have to.

[298] One of the groups that'll buy.

[299] that information will be, you know, one is the advertisers and another will be the government, just like, oh, let's make sure.

[300] Yeah.

[301] Which is sort of like I'm okay with it, but it's like, it's just, we're going to be more annoying to have to like, you can't email your friends about drugs.

[302] Yeah, well, eventually.

[303] Like, are they really going to pass people by doing that?

[304] Well, I mean, eventually.

[305] No, because you're not connected to that number.

[306] That's like all anonymous searching.

[307] So they're not going to be like the FBI is not going to be able to use Google analytics or whatever to try to track you down by any.

[308] They're not.

[309] Are you sure?

[310] I mean, they probably can't do whatever they want to.

[311] Well, I don't know what Google's policy is on giving up information or how they work that.

[312] They're pretty good about not doing that.

[313] If there's some terrorist dude and they're following him and, you know, do they just give up the information to the CIA and let the CIA just read all your emails?

[314] Makes sense, right?

[315] Yeah, they probably do it whatever they want, right?

[316] Does Osama bin Laden have a Twitter?

[317] No, maybe you should start his Twitter.

[318] He's probably got a fake Twitter.

[319] You should totally do that if he's not.

[320] You can find me. Ha ha.

[321] I like some of those fake ones.

[322] Do you guys follow any fake ones?

[323] Like Jesus Christ or...

[324] I told him for a while and I take him off.

[325] Cobra Commander's good.

[326] I'm following Batman right now.

[327] He's not bad.

[328] Twitter's amazing.

[329] It's such a fun little party, dude.

[330] It's crazy that my TV Twitter's now.

[331] Like, the things like that are, like, twittering.

[332] My Samsung has, like, this thing where you have this one to pop up that just shows Twitter and stuff.

[333] That's crazy.

[334] And Facebook.

[335] So you just keep it on, like, when you're in your...

[336] room or something like that right wow the fucking interface is closing in yeah it's closing in it's when is the first dude gonna get a crazy neural implant or something tomorrow tomorrow yeah someone's gonna have to dive in right yeah so um did you hear about this kid that sent an email to the white house and now he can't get into america fucking for life 17 year old kid he's drunk he said Or something.

[337] I think he was drunk.

[338] He sends an email to the White House.

[339] And he's like, fuck you, Obama, you're a cunt.

[340] And he can't get into America?

[341] Yeah.

[342] How do you get the White House?

[343] Is this just the White House?

[344] I think you could just email the White House.

[345] You could just email.

[346] And that's the first one they've gotten?

[347] No. You think tons of Americans would do that.

[348] But this one, they're making a big deal out of because it's 17.

[349] And because they said that because of this, he can never enter the country again.

[350] That's what I mean.

[351] Why?

[352] We should find out what exactly.

[353] Brian, see if you can find it, man. Find out what the kids.

[354] said exactly, because I don't even think it was like a really extreme thing.

[355] I think he called him a pussy or a punk ass or something like that has to happen like 50 times a day.

[356] Well, you would think so, but no, I think it's super illegal.

[357] Let's write one right now.

[358] And if you're from another country, you know, this guy's from England, they can just decide that you can.

[359] Let's go to a bomb right now, but all innuendo.

[360] I hope nothing happens to you, things like that.

[361] You still have my respect, wink, wink.

[362] Is your cock as delicious as I think it would be?

[363] Would that be a terrible thing to say to him?

[364] I don't think so.

[365] If you were trading him like a real friend.

[366] Do you think that the public could, imagine if we found that Obama was gay?

[367] And then he has kids and he loves his wife and everything, but really he's gay.

[368] And just, you know, just procreated with a woman.

[369] Would people be able to hang with that?

[370] No. No, right?

[371] No. No. Most people not, but I think it would go a long way to making a lot more people sexually tolerant towards gays.

[372] You know what it is?

[373] There's so many straight people that are worried about losing people to team gay.

[374] That's what it is.

[375] It's like, if there was all of a sudden a gay president, the straight people who are on team straight would think they would lose a lot of dudes who are on the fence.

[376] They would just fucking president's gay.

[377] That's it.

[378] Start sucking dick.

[379] They don't want to be an American.

[380] Yeah, they know how gullible people are.

[381] It might start a giant trend.

[382] Do you think that's what they think?

[383] I think that's what they're worried about.

[384] I think that's what they're worried about.

[385] I think if you expose the fact that Obama was gay, there's like a whole conspiracy.

[386] I have not read into it.

[387] It seems pretty ridiculous.

[388] Well, there's that conspiracy, but there's the gay lover conspiracy.

[389] You ever heard this one?

[390] Obama was a gay lover?

[391] Yes, there's a guy who has YouTube clips.

[392] Go look it up.

[393] Larry something, Obama's gay lover.

[394] Let's listen to this guy talk.

[395] I'm not joking.

[396] You think I'm joking.

[397] This guy has like a bunch of YouTube clips, and he did like a public press.

[398] conference, where he talked about how Obama and him had oral sex and a...

[399] Oh, he's the one who did it.

[400] Yeah, yeah.

[401] The best thing is that people will read a headline and then say, oh, no, I heard Obama has a gay lover.

[402] They don't know that there's a story about just some kook and no one respected it at all, and just the headline gets out.

[403] The same way this is birthed people got going.

[404] Well, it's so...

[405] There's no proof of this as all.

[406] There's no question.

[407] People, they argue like it's a game.

[408] It's just like they're playing catch, you know, or, you know, they're trying to throw the ball harder.

[409] I mean, that's how they How about that guy at the show?

[410] Brian, hold that for a second.

[411] Hold that for a second, Brian.

[412] There was a guy at the show that was, he was yelling.

[413] I was talking about Stephen Hawkins.

[414] Like someone was asking him about Stephen Hawkins.

[415] And he goes, didn't you hear, didn't you hear, Stephen Hawking said that there could not be a universe without God?

[416] He, like, yelled it out, like, to tell me, you know, which is exactly not what Stephen Hawking said.

[417] What he said was that there is, It's possible for the universe to exist without God just based on the law of physics.

[418] It doesn't mean there is a God or isn't.

[419] That's kind of the opposite of what this guy says.

[420] Exactly, but this guy was yelling it.

[421] He was standing up and yelling.

[422] And also, so what a fucking Stephen Hawking decided that?

[423] I mean, he's just going on faith.

[424] It's a theory.

[425] It's an idea.

[426] I mean, he doesn't know.

[427] I mean, we're talking about giant fucking questions here.

[428] But, so anyway, this guy is the guy who says that he's Obama's gay lover.

[429] and he did a press conference and it's kind of interesting, man. I mean, it's interesting that if the guy's lying that they can't just lock him up because that sounds like he's a fucking kook and he's a danger to society.

[430] Do you remember his name?

[431] Larry something or another?

[432] I think it's Larry Hackman.

[433] I'm pretty sure if you answer Larry Hagman.

[434] You'll see.

[435] It's a southern guy.

[436] From Dallas.

[437] What percentage do you think of like those old school movie stars were gay?

[438] Oh.

[439] I think considerably higher percentage, because here's why.

[440] One, they have that effective voice.

[441] Mr. Sinclair, can you explain why if this incident happened in 1999, you waited until 2007 or 2008 to come forward?

[442] It's a question of credibility, sir.

[443] Why didn't you come forward back in 1999 or 2000?

[444] One, number one, in 1999, I really didn't care whether he was a senator from Illinois or not, to be honest.

[445] with you.

[446] I wasn't a resident of Illinois.

[447] As far as white now.

[448] Gayest voice ever?

[449] I was living in Mexico up until 2006.

[450] It really was of no interest to me. I know plenty of politicians, both locally and internationally, that, you know, are pretty much crooked.

[451] I don't know, but it looks like fucking some Congress -type wall shit behind him.

[452] Where is he talking, Brian?

[453] It's the House of Faggettree.

[454] I know.

[455] Never saw proof that was a place is a real place.

[456] Is there any financial support for your efforts from anyone?

[457] And if so, do any of those people have connections to the Republican Party?

[458] I can, I'm glad you asked that question.

[459] Number one, I am not connected with any party, Republican, independent, libertarian, democratic, none, nor or anybody that are contributing to the cost and the expense of this.

[460] Every penny that has gone to pay for this press conference, my travel expenses, have come from average American citizens, most of them actually, according to their own statements, are declared independence, in the sums of from $12 .31 to $100 each.

[461] So loony.

[462] But that he's gay is not up for debate.

[463] That part of his story, I believe.

[464] What is very toxic to the media and what role do they have in renting this venue and the camera crew in back?

[465] The media company you just requested, what is?

[466] Is it?

[467] It's exactly what I just answered this gentleman.

[468] It represents every individual person.

[469] It's not a company, in all honesty.

[470] It was established as an email address when I arrived here for the Democratic National Committee's bylaws and rules.

[471] Rules and bylaws?

[472] Okay, I did.

[473] I did.

[474] Okay.

[475] It's not a company.

[476] All right.

[477] This is fruitcakes, knowing the shit out of me. So what's, we'll get to the part where he says he had sex with Barack Obama, please.

[478] Yeah, he's very verbose.

[479] He goes into detail about their sexual encounter.

[480] What kind of graphic detail?

[481] Yeah.

[482] Not too graphic, not like what you're looking for.

[483] That's, you know, I want specific instructions about Lou.

[484] And I was like, create on my balls and was like, oh shit, bitch.

[485] I felt him quiver.

[486] Why would he be introduced by his true name to you and you would know that he was a politician over the years?

[487] How did you realize that it was him?

[488] I mean, because if he's going to engage in sex and drug taking and he's a renowned politician in Chicago, So it strikes me as a little bit strange that they give you his real name through a limo driver.

[489] I mean, that story doesn't make a lot of sense to me. And how would you remember for 10 years when you leave the way and then recognize him on TV or how?

[490] That question is 10 times more awesome because of that dude's accent.

[491] Okay, first of all, yes, he was introduced to me by name, okay?

[492] He was introduced to me as Barack Obama.

[493] And as far as me not knowing that he was politician locally, I wasn't a resident.

[494] of Illinois.

[495] When I became aware of exactly who he was, was when he gave the keynote speech at the Democratic National Convention in 2004 while I was living in Mexico, watching it on Sky TV.

[496] Bam!

[497] Suck on that, Mexican.

[498] Oh!

[499] No, I did not say that.

[500] I told you he was, in fact, introduced to me by name.

[501] I have always stated that he was introduced to me as Barack Obama.

[502] Why do they get into all this nitpicking detail stuff?

[503] Because they want to just catch his stories immediately.

[504] they want to make sure that they're like hold on we've got a lot of questions see how much he's lying about yeah and if he wants to like answer all the questions you know all right so listening to that if you had a guess if you had a bet if you went to Vegas and they had the odds up yeah would you bet would you bet that guy's telling the truth or Obama you'd have to give me odds absolutely not depending on the odds totally fake if it was like two to one two to one no no no if you give me two to one oh really that would be enough to get me to bet like a solid hundred dollars he might have government gaydar blockers on abounding uh there's some crazy bets like that we just kind of go damn you know what maybe fucking you never know he doesn't seem gay at all he wouldn't be like one of the guys i'd be like no way so it's like all right he's got government gate art blockers it's enough to take a 5 ,000 to one shot i have a friend and her um dad's friend was in the CIA and they were friends of all these secret service dudes and they talk about like presidents and what presidents were into and which presidents cheated on their wives and probably all of them right yes that's what they say they say all of them and they all did it very discreetly discreetly yeah Carter didn't Carter was like really faithful and into it who knows what these guys you know what there had to be a super Christian who just who just did it this is I mean this is all just bullshit so just someone talking who the fuck knows if he's the truth.

[505] He said, but the one thing that they all talked about, all the Secret Service guys, was about how Clinton would just whip out his dick.

[506] Really?

[507] Awesome.

[508] Awesome.

[509] He was just so crazy.

[510] You couldn't leave him alone with a chick.

[511] Because he would just try to fuck him in like bathrooms and shit.

[512] He would try to get him to suck his dick in bathrooms.

[513] Really?

[514] Yeah, yeah.

[515] He was a lokster.

[516] Of course.

[517] He's just the man. Yeah.

[518] Of course.

[519] Once he gets like four or five girls to do that, he'd be like, oh my, I can just do this, I think.

[520] He's a wild man. He's a rock star.

[521] He was like, like, He was like a rock star.

[522] He just, that's what it is.

[523] He was the president.

[524] It was just too much.

[525] He thought they were willing to keep their mouth shut.

[526] But women like men with power, right?

[527] That's like a thing that people know.

[528] He has the most power.

[529] He was the strangest president of all time.

[530] To be in a president getting caught, getting a blowjob, while you're the president, man. And then the fact that they made such a big deal out of it and chased it down and impeachment here.

[531] That was weird.

[532] It was like, why are we asking?

[533] Well, he lied about.

[534] Who wouldn't lie about?

[535] And the fact that I really loved him as a president.

[536] It's so weird that we would go so deep into his personal life like that.

[537] And I loved it.

[538] I think he was great.

[539] I think it was one of the best presidents we had in a while.

[540] Well, he was, he was an egomaniac.

[541] They're all ego maniacs.

[542] But he was a very bright man. That's for sure.

[543] He was a great speaker.

[544] It's just so hard to tell when you talk about who's a good president, who's a bad president.

[545] it's so hard to tell what that even means.

[546] I don't know how much they have to do with what happens.

[547] Plus, if 911 happened on his clock, you know, what would happen to him as, you know, stuff like that.

[548] And then you open up a whole big fat can of Alex Jones right there.

[549] Right there.

[550] Ladies and gentlemen, the reason why this is all happened, this is all pre -planned out by the government.

[551] They've been doing this since Hitler burned the right stagg since Nero burned Rome.

[552] I'm going to auto -tune Alex Jones.

[553] You should.

[554] How come nobody has?

[555] Oh, I'm sure they have.

[556] You just realize like, oh, they definitely have.

[557] They definitely have.

[558] They've auto -tuned everything.

[559] It's a pretty fascinating little piece of equipment.

[560] We just accept it.

[561] But it makes, like, shit that's not even a song, a song.

[562] It really does, you know?

[563] I mean, you can really make someone sound like they're singing a fucking song.

[564] Remember that I got a song?

[565] It was like 10 or 12 years ago?

[566] No, what did he have?

[567] It was like a hit.

[568] Really?

[569] Yeah.

[570] They put some of his stand -up.

[571] to uh to so it was boss lorman i think oh and they put it to music yeah he said it to music oh yeah that's right how long ago was that maybe more now maybe like maybe like 12 12 years ago 12 to 15 years ago jesus 15 years ago every now and then you get like one of those those things remember before youtube um they had that one um song that was really just like a motivational speech to like a class yeah that that was boslerman yeah and then this was either the same guy yeah that was he had a song on the um romeo juliette soundtrack the same guy really yeah yeah yeah i remember that like live in northern california but leave before it makes you too soft yeah yeah yeah yeah live in new york but leave before it makes it too hard yeah yeah yeah it was kind of weird every time it came on i remember listening to it and thing it was super deep if i was like 17 then i was like yeah man what's got you so mad at that what are you doing brine Alex Jones Auto Tune, but I don't think it's really it.

[572] Oh.

[573] No. Yeah.

[574] That was a cool fucking song.

[575] I love when they do that every now and then.

[576] Someone comes along with a good, like, motivational song.

[577] You know?

[578] You just don't get them very often anymore.

[579] Fuck your motivation.

[580] Yeah.

[581] Yeah.

[582] Yeah, it's not really in there right now.

[583] No one's really rocking it that way anymore.

[584] You've got to get your motivation online, son.

[585] Do you guys see piranha 3D?

[586] No. Fuck, yes.

[587] All right.

[588] Did we already talk about that?

[589] I think we did.

[590] We had to have.

[591] I heard all about it.

[592] I heard all about it.

[593] What do you guys think about that other 3D one that just opened up?

[594] Shit, what is it?

[595] It just opened Friday.

[596] Oh, Resident Evil 3.

[597] Oh, that looks like it would be fun.

[598] That looks like it might be an okay 3D one.

[599] But honestly, I'm so fucked by these asshole movie people.

[600] They don't trust the 3D anymore.

[601] Demila Jojovich is hot as fucking half a while.

[602] I guess that Resident Evil 3.

[603] She's so hot.

[604] That Resident Evil 3 is.

[605] I guess that movie was like the second movie ever That was made like Are they really saying that?

[606] Like for real Oh The other one was Avatar Yeah And they said that it would take like This camera could only film for like 20 seconds At a time or something like that And they had to do like whole scenes like Really?

[607] Big chunks Oh so that's just crazy 3D Yeah Like the Avatar Really Yeah I haven't heard anything about Previews look pretty dope Because now it was whenever I see one It's like It's like fuck Every time I go it's like All right It's almost like not worth it To have the glasses on your face the whole time Yeah, there was one point in time when I was watching Parano where I took the glasses off just out of instinct.

[608] I'm like, these are annoying.

[609] Yeah.

[610] I just, and then I said, ah, it's not as good.

[611] Shit.

[612] And I put them back on.

[613] I thought I could just watch it blurry and be fine with it.

[614] No, it's too blurry.

[615] It's too blurry.

[616] I'd want it to, like, take glass off.

[617] I'd go to normal.

[618] That would suck.

[619] Yeah, yeah, Piranha 3D was fun for that, though.

[620] The graphics, they're getting pretty good at the 3D effects, like what they can do.

[621] Jack S3D might be pretty good.

[622] You think?

[623] Yeah.

[624] I mean, they might use it.

[625] Use it fun.

[626] Those make me too uncomfortable.

[627] Oh, I love him so much.

[628] These dudes are always hurting themselves and shit.

[629] God, it's the greatest thing ever.

[630] I wonder how many concussions those dudes have gotten.

[631] Probably a few.

[632] Seriously, man. Like, the one where Johnny Knoxville let that fucking bowl slam him.

[633] Uh -huh.

[634] He's crazy.

[635] There's more bowls than this one, I guess.

[636] He's still in five a bowl with a blindfold on.

[637] That dude's out of his mind.

[638] I'm so close to death.

[639] If somebody sounds like, you wouldn't have died right there.

[640] That easily could have been a rap.

[641] A bowl.

[642] He stood in front of a bowl.

[643] I remember right after he became like a movie star, like he'd just done some first movie or something and people were like, oh, it was Johnny Knoxville.

[644] They became like a star.

[645] So he did the second one.

[646] And they shot them with either paint guns just straight to their chest or just those stun guns.

[647] And then it just goes, boom, and it explodes on him.

[648] They shoot like a bunch of marbles or something, something crazy.

[649] Right.

[650] And it was like, oh, fuck.

[651] Because he got knocked over.

[652] And he goes, how's the face?

[653] Is it's okay?

[654] All right, we're good.

[655] That's it.

[656] It just bruises everywhere in his body.

[657] I almost bar.

[658] during that second movie.

[659] I was laughing so hard they almost threw up.

[660] The one with the asshole where you shut something up the ass.

[661] What was it?

[662] That was the first one.

[663] Enema?

[664] Oh, was it the first one?

[665] It was the, yeah, it was the Mattel like, what's it called?

[666] A little mini toy car.

[667] So hard to watch.

[668] And it caught him up his asshole.

[669] And he had to go and go, I'm sore, Doc.

[670] Can you take an x -ray?

[671] It's so hard to watch.

[672] One person getting jacked for everybody else's amusement.

[673] But it's a very specific type of entertainment, you know?

[674] And then I'll have these great drawing out like plotty stuff like these weird things that really elaborate other times they'll be sitting around talking and just see somebody come from behind just punch somebody in the head like that's it and then everybody laughs it's just so dumb or shave his hair you guys didn't see the MTV Music Awards last night no oh shit did you have some jacket stuff on there so you know the Taylor Swift thing the Taylor Swift girl yeah she's the girl that was on stage receiving the award Kanye West got on stage took the microphone away from her and actually interrupted her speech.

[675] Oh, I got to say something.

[676] Yeah, it was...

[677] Beyonce deserves this shit.

[678] The worst version of ego, like I think I've ever seen at one of those things, that his opinion would be so important right then in front of all those people that he would interrupt this girl winning the most important award of her career to say that someone else had a great video too?

[679] And it's like, it has a great video?

[680] What are you fighting for right now?

[681] Like, that's your world.

[682] This is one of the best of all time, the best of all time.

[683] And meanwhile, I know all the art facts.

[684] I don't fucking disagree with me, but I didn't even think it was that great.

[685] The Beyonce video?

[686] Yeah.

[687] Oh, I liked it.

[688] It was a bunch of cuts.

[689] If it was one shot, I could see it, but it wasn't.

[690] So it was a bunch of cuts, and she, her thighs look big.

[691] I like those big cuts.

[692] She was on last night, and it starts off showing that clip of what happened with her and Connie.

[693] Who was on?

[694] Taylor Swift on the video of music awards.

[695] And it's like doing like static and it's showing parts of it.

[696] And then it has her, like, a guitar singing this whole sad song about the whole thing.

[697] Oh, no. No. She wrote a song about it?

[698] Oh, it's like a horrible fucking song.

[699] Oh, play that song.

[700] Play that song, please.

[701] Oh, my goodness.

[702] They're guarded and private.

[703] So it's rare when one lets us inside their inner world.

[704] Taylor Swift is different.

[705] Oh, my God.

[706] Her songs are stories right out of the pages of her diary.

[707] There's this thing that people do when they're bullshitting like this, where it sounds like that.

[708] She wrote early this year for her upcoming...

[709] Stop, pause up for a second.

[710] There's a, like, a language that people use when they're totally bullshitting that sounds like this.

[711] She was raised in a small town.

[712] You know, there's like this sing -songy, but you know they're just going to...

[713] This is not accurate.

[714] What I'm saying right now is just show business.

[715] It's just...

[716] I am reading this off a cue card and trying to remote as best as I know how.

[717] Exactly.

[718] I'm just trying to get everybody excited.

[719] And you know those cheers are coming.

[720] The wooes are coming.

[721] She is 2010's number one haughty of the year.

[722] And we all think...

[723] Look at those freckles.

[724] What is it about that way of talking?

[725] What is it about that weird sing -songy way of talking?

[726] You know, it's like we have a bunch of different ways that we'll accept people talking.

[727] One of them is like political speech.

[728] You know, when someone gets on stage and starts talking about al -Qaeda, you know, we will find the enemy we will root them out we will take them out you know there's like this sort of a political way of talking where they pause for claps DJ at a strip club yeah there's another when you're doing that it's like why why do they have to settle into one certain way of speaking yeah there's like a bunch of different is that your family behavior is that your family talking at dinner no there was a pilot man there you go you know it's like sports guys here we are bottom of the ninth you know they have a certain you know it's like there's a bunch of different strip club DJs is a really good one It on stage Because that one is national man That goes everywhere It sounds the same everywhere Yeah southern northern Michigan Florida same shit Reporters too like on news Or like radio news And stuff like that And comics A lot of comics you know, especially in the early days.

[729] There's a lot of comics.

[730] The 80s comics sounded like a certain way.

[731] Charlie Chaplin.

[732] No, not that early.

[733] There was some guys in the 80s that just got good at doing the comedy voice and really never were good at comedy.

[734] But they somehow made a living as a comedian saying obvious shit with the comedy voice.

[735] Just really good at that comedy voice.

[736] I suppose I'm supposed to be the one to figure this out.

[737] What is this?

[738] What is this a puzzle here?

[739] I'm supposed to talk about Paul riser talking about there's a bunch of dudes like that rights itself yeah yeah there was a bunch of dudes like that they were always the strong advocates of the clean only comedy as well clean own you know what now it's just right now I sort of get it it's like they want to get ahead let's just try to pretend to limit it to just only us is acceptable yeah that way we're root out at least half of the fucking competition and all the good ones yeah or all the people that are gonna come over and try to be clean They're not going to be really honest, so they're not to be worried about.

[740] So many comics are haters.

[741] That's a great move.

[742] Yeah.

[743] So many comics are haters.

[744] That's a lot of what the clean comedy thing is when they're telling guys to not be dirty.

[745] What people don't need, what people need to realize, especially comics, need to remember if you're, you know, like, 35 or something like that.

[746] And you're talking to some 21 -year -old open mic or telling him he's talking about sex too much and swearing too much.

[747] Guess what?

[748] That's what he's thinking about.

[749] Always what he's thinking about.

[750] Pussy and when the next UFC is and playing call of duty when he gets to.

[751] off work.

[752] He's fucking 21.

[753] You know what nobody ever told me when I was trying to do clean for like a while so I could do this one clean show every couple weeks?

[754] There was like someone should pull me aside.

[755] I'm like, Ari, just you don't, you talk about politics too much.

[756] Just stop.

[757] It's annoying.

[758] Like nobody cares.

[759] You were talking about politics?

[760] Whatever it was.

[761] I was talking about cleany stuff too much.

[762] Whatever's in the news and it was like someone should pull me aside there and said stop.

[763] Well, that's, you know, you're just trying to learn your voice.

[764] You know, you never know what I, you know, I try to.

[765] But that's what I'm saying, but if you're being dirty, learn it that way.

[766] Yeah.

[767] And Ari's voice.

[768] just dicks and assholes and sex But you had to find out that that was your voice on stage too.

[769] You know, you had to perform a lot and figure out what, what's the most fun for you, what makes you comfortable.

[770] And it's not limited either.

[771] You know, that's the thing about comedy.

[772] It's like, you could talk about clean shit on stage too.

[773] But you, when you do limit yourself, you don't ever limit yourself, like, well, I'll never do another clean joke again.

[774] Nobody ever does that.

[775] But you do say, you know, I'm done with this dirty material.

[776] It's time to clean up my act and make it family friendly.

[777] Puppies and happy.

[778] Nothing wrong with puppies and happy, man. But you can't limit your fucking thoughts.

[779] That's annoying.

[780] It's annoying.

[781] You fuck it up for everybody.

[782] Do you want to hear the rest of this?

[783] Oh, yeah.

[784] Let's go back to her.

[785] Sure, yeah, let's go.

[786] Speak now.

[787] Performing it for the first time ever, Taylor Swift.

[788] Oh, Christ.

[789] I love our high -tech equipment.

[790] Oh, no. She's paying it back.

[791] I was to maybe win one of these someday, but I never actually thought it would have happened.

[792] He looks like Godzilla.

[793] A little of me, Godzilla coming up to her.

[794] That's some.

[795] Sasquatch footage.

[796] That's like the thing from Boggy Creek.

[797] Oh my God, she wrote a song about it and then showed the video first.

[798] Dude, touch your dick while the song's on.

[799] No, I think it's illegal.

[800] How old is she?

[801] By the way, I'm just going to go on the record out.

[802] I already like this.

[803] She's like 16.

[804] Oh, I can hear all the words.

[805] She's pretty.

[806] Fuck it, I like this.

[807] I don't care what you guys.

[808] say I like it so far yeah listen to the lyrics wait part the whole off a second no no let it play let it play I can't hear any of the words I can't understand her I can't hear her I have no idea what to spit you're talking about hey you can't understand it's not an one out of five words and it's all metaphor and poetry yeah well no I I understand all the words, but it doesn't mean anything.

[809] She's saying, peanut butter, sandwiches on the moon, space bananas going through your bloodstream.

[810] She's just making shit up.

[811] She's on her, period, Joe.

[812] Leave her alone.

[813] I want to see the lyrics.

[814] I want to see what the lyrics are.

[815] They'll hurt your brain.

[816] They will hurt your brain, son.

[817] I don't mind this.

[818] She's just a kid, and she was fucking rocked by that thing.

[819] Whatever.

[820] I like her voice, though.

[821] It's beautiful.

[822] And then and Kanye did one also?

[823] about like oh no he didn't yeah and it's it's even worse get the fuck out of here how could it be worse he's tried to be all fancy like using this like machine and then it just wasn't a good song oh my god so that's how they're dealing with this issue and by the year later they're making both of them go is a year later they probably planned it from the beginning was it a year ago yeah yeah it was last year by the way let me just tell you this that's not a coincidence of those both did songs like that right the vMAs reached out and told them why don't you guys both do a song about this.

[824] Oh, obviously.

[825] Obviously, but was it made a year before it even happened or a year after?

[826] It's so strange that this is what we fix it on.

[827] But it is fascinating and here I am watching it.

[828] She's sad right there.

[829] She's so pretty.

[830] This song sucks, though.

[831] I know, it does suck.

[832] All our songs suck.

[833] They play T -D -Bopper music.

[834] No, they don't all suck.

[835] She plays music for 15 -year -olds.

[836] This is a boring -old.

[837] boring ass song i've heard of stuff it's just boring it's shitty top 40 music it's fine but it's like it's it's for kids if more than 10 people know about the band or he doesn't like it i'm so mad all her stuff sucks calm down a couple of notches man it's okay she's just a little kid she's just a little girl arey that's what i'm saying do you like chick songs yeah i love chick songs i do i love chick boy i love sarah mclaughlin love uh Cheryl crow like really good chick singers yeah you know They achieve, like, harmonies.

[838] I had a Sheryl Crow that first album.

[839] The Cheryl Crow album, the first one?

[840] First one's good.

[841] The second one's better.

[842] The second one's really good.

[843] I had a Sherrill, uh, Croh, fuck dream recently, where I really thought I was having sex with her, and it went back into the dream and it continued to have sex with her.

[844] With her now or with her then?

[845] It seemed like cover of her album.

[846] That's what she looked like.

[847] Even then, didn't she hit it?

[848] She was like, almost 40?

[849] It was like, I don't even know.

[850] Yeah, she was fairly old when she first.

[851] She had boobs.

[852] She had boobs.

[853] She had boobs.

[854] Did she get skinnier and loser boobs or something?

[855] Didn't she get like boob cancer or something like that?

[856] Did she?

[857] Did she?

[858] I don't know.

[859] You just making that up?

[860] That might be.

[861] She was dating a guy who had testicular cancer.

[862] Yeah, Brian just connects cancer together.

[863] I don't know if she's fucking sick too probably.

[864] But with the guy she was dating, by the way, I've been reading this article.

[865] Shit, I forget what magazine it is, but it's an article on Lance Armstrong.

[866] Maybe it's GQ, one of those, about whether or not they're going to bust him.

[867] Like, they're going after him.

[868] Oh, yeah, she had breast cancer.

[869] She did?

[870] Yeah, she also opened a breast cancer center.

[871] Oh, good for you.

[872] And if you just Google Cheryl Crowe booby -titty cancer.

[873] Is that what she did?

[874] Yeah.

[875] It goes right too.

[876] Wrong with you, boy.

[877] Booby -Tee.

[878] Did you Google image that or did you Google?

[879] No, I did video.

[880] I wanted to see video of her boobs.

[881] They're going after him, man. They're going after him.

[882] The same guys that went after Barry Bonds.

[883] They're going after him.

[884] Ray Bonds line in front of Congress.

[885] Yeah.

[886] Did he, or did Mark McGuire lie in front of Congress?

[887] Did Barry Bond lie in front of Congress, too?

[888] No, Mark McGuire just said, I'll plead the fifth, or I'll tell you what I did.

[889] Didn't Mark McGuire?

[890] He didn't lie?

[891] Roger Clemens went in front of Congress.

[892] Roger Clemens, thank you.

[893] So, Mark McGuire, he's in trouble because they said, when you have immunity, come and tell us right now.

[894] So he goes, yes, I use all these steroids.

[895] Fuck.

[896] And I'll never bring the Hall of Fame.

[897] I think that's what happened.

[898] Maybe it was Jason Giannihanbi who did that.

[899] When Jose Canseco came out with that book.

[900] I think he said, I think he said I take the fifth.

[901] Yeah, and it was all true, Concecoeco.

[902] Yeah.

[903] But the crazy thing is that Konseco ratted everybody out.

[904] And everybody's like, well, dude, you know, the system that was in place is the reason why you got so good.

[905] The reason why you got so rich and famous and successful?

[906] And why do you have to, you know, is it really that important to tell everybody?

[907] Jock talk.

[908] People can't handle the truth.

[909] You can't handle jock talk.

[910] Jock talk?

[911] Well, this isn't really jock talk, Brian.

[912] This is talking about steroids.

[913] It's talking about, I wonder how many, you know, what is the percentage of elite athletes that are on performance in Sancing's.

[914] substances like that.

[915] I think all on some stuff it's I think so because any fit person I know they're on a thousand things if it's not vitamins and fucking supplements they're definitely on vitamins supplements they just go a little further other than people probably get really into that shit it's a funny thing that people are so upset about it you know like they're like Lance Armstrong dude are a professional the um Lance Armstrong thing for whatever reason is like extra disturbing to people because he seems like this humble hardworking guy and you know this, you know, rugged dude who just goes out there as an American and beats the fucking world cyclist at their own game and wins over and over and over again.

[916] And he's like the icon of American dominance in, you know, in that kind of racing.

[917] Yeah.

[918] To find out that that guy's on some shit.

[919] But apparently they're all on some shit.

[920] If you talk to anybody that knows anybody that's a cycler.

[921] It's like my other theories about gay and about, and about, like, interrex.

[922] Like, if they super look like they are, if everyone's going to be accused of them constantly, it's like, then they are.

[923] You know?

[924] Yeah, I think they all have to.

[925] I think in order to be able to do that fucking Tour de France type shit.

[926] He said, I've never, I've never, I've been tested many times.

[927] I've never come up anything weird.

[928] Yeah, he's never tested by him.

[929] And I've always said, I've never taken this.

[930] I wonder if there's a way to beat every test, you know?

[931] I mean, who the fuck knows.

[932] It could very well be that there's a bunch of haters, and this dude who's ratting him out just sucks for him that Lance Armstrong is a genetic freak, you know?

[933] And he's the only one to do it that way of natural.

[934] Why do you know who the racer is?

[935] Yeah.

[936] he bicycles he got to bang Cheryl Crowe son because he bicycle like it's not even a sport I even care I know somebody that he worshipped this guy I know this guy I know is like worships him Lance Armstrong really into him he's like has the bracelet on and he's just the biggest Lance like I'm like really wow he's a he bike guy right well you know it's a very I get into it too it's like you overcame cancer in one but it's like what am I even looking at why did you hear what Chelle Sondon said what Chil Sondon did this interview and he said look Lance Armstrong Cheated, Lance Armstrong got cancer because Lance Armstrong took her...

[937] He said all this crazy shit, and then when they called him on it, he said, I did not say that.

[938] I've never spoken of Lance Armstrong.

[939] So then Jim Rohn plays him back to fucking tape, and Chale says, well, I don't know, maybe it was my connection, but that doesn't sound like me at all.

[940] That guy sounded Hispanic.

[941] I love that guy.

[942] He has them great.

[943] Dude, he's the funniest fucking guy in sports by far.

[944] The UFC wanted him to win so bad.

[945] Oh, well, They're giving them another shot, man. They're going to do it again.

[946] I'm doing a, he's doing a Q &A in Austin.

[947] He's going to do many of the cues on his own, I bet.

[948] Fuck, yeah.

[949] He's going to do a dozen Q &A.

[950] He's the master.

[951] They can't fuck with him.

[952] He's like a politician.

[953] I would love to see the moment where he's like in his chair answering questions.

[954] He just answers one.

[955] He's like, what do you think of so -and -so?

[956] He goes, I think he's going to grab the mic and stand up.

[957] He's going to do that move and start pointing at people.

[958] I wish I could see that.

[959] Yeah.

[960] He's a bad motherfuckerucker.

[961] He is a bad motherfucker there, Chale, son.

[962] he's an interesting dude it's quite a character you know republican comedian fighter badass interesting dude so close to winning yeah you got right into that fucking fifth round then he got caught a triangle whoo what drama man and Anderson must have been playing possum waiting for the moment i don't know about that no i mean when he was on the ground the last round it looked like i mean he obviously i mean i'm not saying that he was waiting for that moment he knew it was to happen.

[963] I mean, Chad was beating the shit out of him, taking him down at will.

[964] Yeah.

[965] It was a tough fight for him.

[966] But in that final round, man, he just picked his spot perfect.

[967] He did.

[968] He knew right when to slap it on.

[969] And at a speed that Sonny didn't, you know, like you get used to, when both guys are tired, you get used to moving at a certain pace.

[970] And then he just waited for his opening, was only moving at a certain pace, almost like he's giving up, and then slaps it on.

[971] And there's no waiting.

[972] He was immediately whaling on his head.

[973] I guess he couldn't need it, and know how much time was left.

[974] Yeah.

[975] He slapped that fucking thing.

[976] on tight too.

[977] He got the arm involved as well.

[978] Triangle with the arm.

[979] It's Brian's favorite.

[980] I love it.

[981] I love it.

[982] I love it.

[983] How did you know that, Joe?

[984] Do you read my Dream Diary again?

[985] Going to Austin, Texas tomorrow fellow.

[986] I'm not going.

[987] You're not going.

[988] I should have scheduled the end.

[989] Arre's not going either.

[990] Who are you talking to you?

[991] I was going to say that that's where you want to live.

[992] Oh, yeah, yeah, totally.

[993] I totally want to live in Austin, man. Just imagine living near Alex Jones and like going to a hummingbird farm.

[994] Do you want to be put on that list?

[995] That's like a straight cat, bro.

[996] He has a, no, he has a stamp collection, I guess, that it's just magnificent.

[997] Stamp collection?

[998] Yes, he has, like, a room devoted to stamps, and, like, he, like, holds up, like, magnifying glasses, and he has, like, all these, like, like, there's, like, stamps that are more rare than other because, like, there's, like, a little sea on it or something.

[999] He's crazy, but I like that guy.

[1000] I enjoy hanging out with him.

[1001] Yeah.

[1002] He's crazy, but he's a fun crazy to me. he's always been nice to me and you know what he's right about a lot of shit I don't know if he's right about everything Have you ever asked him to write you into a conspiracy He doesn't write him Well they're out there man They're in the ether he just picks up on him He's never he's never orchestrated He's like a hound dog for the truth Yeah he's just constantly online Constantly doing research Looking into these new world order scum They want to come here and take away your rights Take away your guns take away Jesus It's like he's constantly doing book reports all day long.

[1003] He's out of his mind.

[1004] He's problem solving.

[1005] But he's a good guy.

[1006] Like when you're hanging around with him, he's a good guy.

[1007] He's very entertaining to me. And he's got balls, man. He doesn't give a fuck.

[1008] He'll get arrested.

[1009] He'll get to eat meat and drink booze.

[1010] Yeah.

[1011] If he had a talking dog and a flashlight, that would be awesome.

[1012] And I'm not saying that I ever got high with him.

[1013] What did I say?

[1014] No, you did say that.

[1015] Why would you...

[1016] I like hanging out with him.

[1017] He's a good dude.

[1018] I like Alex Jones.

[1019] People think he's crazy, but I think the world needs some crazy people.

[1020] It makes things more interesting.

[1021] is there a lot of fear mongering?

[1022] Maybe.

[1023] Maybe we don't have enough fearmongering.

[1024] Maybe we're too complacent.

[1025] Maybe we're not paying attention enough, and guys like him are important.

[1026] Whether they're over the top or not, and he might very well be, but maybe not.

[1027] But maybe not.

[1028] Look at the fucking worst -case examples of the world, all the nutty shit that people have done out there.

[1029] You know, it's very possible that he's right about way more than we want to admit.

[1030] He is the coolest guy in the whole world, though.

[1031] That's the truth.

[1032] Coolest guy in the whole world?

[1033] Yeah.

[1034] Better than I read.

[1035] I thought you were.

[1036] I thought you were the coolest guy The whole world That's like There's like a list of 10 people you can do What is that Japanese writing on your shirt And do you know what it means?

[1037] Oh yeah this is an M .C. Chris shirt And what's so funny is that This Asian girl came up to me And it's just like Oh let me read Oh that's hilarious And I'm like what's it means It says fuck you fuck face Does it?

[1038] It says fuck you fuck face Wow So you're walking around All day with this Making Asian women cry Crazy eyeballed kid.

[1039] What is with his eyeballs?

[1040] That's MC Chris.

[1041] Everybody's got the...

[1042] Right, but why is he supposed to be...

[1043] Is that what it is?

[1044] Light reflections in his eyeballs, or is he...

[1045] He's fucked up.

[1046] He's high.

[1047] Yeah, that's what I thought.

[1048] He mitches weed off from me all the time.

[1049] Oh, he mooches.

[1050] What?

[1051] What?

[1052] I'm just kidding.

[1053] Do you ever get high with MC Chris?

[1054] No. Who's the most famous person?

[1055] Of course I get high with MCC.

[1056] You know what I really regret?

[1057] The one guy I didn't get high with it, I really regret.

[1058] What?

[1059] Culeo.

[1060] cool i fucked up man when coolio was on fear factor coolio one fear factor yeah he was he was high all and you didn't why did you do it they were smoking this stinky skunky weed and i was already high when i got there oh yeah i didn't want to get too high to do the show so i i i did go in and i didn't ask and i didn't want to be that guy either i mean he's there with his buddies and everything i didn't i don't know him that well i didn't want to be that guy like hey i'm the host of show so i'm gonna hang out in your dress room you and your friends we're gonna smoke weed together we're cool right you know i mean he's been a famous guy for a long time i didn't want to impose on him yeah but uh he was super duper barbecued every fucking day he was on the set he would just it would just be coming it was it got to be like a joke on the show really because you would open up his trailer door like we'd send pas in there to go get him just the real it's a cheech and chong movie just clouds of smoke coming out of there and then when we had him on the show dude he was so how he was talking about how he's done this and other lives you know what yeah he goes i've done this i've lived many lives I've done this.

[1061] Really?

[1062] Yeah, and other universes.

[1063] Yeah, you should have puffed on with them.

[1064] I should have just, like, I'll hit one and watch with you, man. Damn it!

[1065] I didn't get high with Coolio.

[1066] Shit!

[1067] I got high with Everlasts.

[1068] I've gotten High with Everlast a bunch of times.

[1069] Everlast from the House of Pain.

[1070] But I got Highwood Everlast once in a club in Vegas.

[1071] Everlast is a gangster.

[1072] He doesn't give a fuck.

[1073] He pulls out to his joint.

[1074] He goes, you want some of his homie?

[1075] He's like, dude.

[1076] It's like, fuck, yeah.

[1077] Let's go out.

[1078] He goes, go out.

[1079] Shit.

[1080] He just starts lightning Is he live in Vegas?

[1081] No, I don't believe so.

[1082] I believe he lives in L .A. He's the only times I've met him.

[1083] He didn't give a fuck.

[1084] And people saw him smoking weed and they didn't say shit.

[1085] They just let it go.

[1086] They didn't say shit.

[1087] They're like, did you gotta let him go?

[1088] It's ever last.

[1089] Do you ever get stoned with Fla Hartman?

[1090] No, no, I didn't.

[1091] Were you getting high back then?

[1092] Oh, damn.

[1093] No, no, I never got high back then.

[1094] Did he?

[1095] That was the back, yes, he did.

[1096] That was back then the day, and I felt bad that he was getting high.

[1097] That's so silly I was.

[1098] This is in the, um, You know, I eat wheat grass juice every day and exercise, and I barely drink days.

[1099] I used to think until I was, like, in my 30s to, like, I think I was 30 or 31.

[1100] I used to think the pot made you stupid.

[1101] So this was back in the pot made you stupid days.

[1102] Right.

[1103] But Hartman was having a lot of problems with his wife, and they would fight a lot.

[1104] And the one thing that he said always made it better is if he went and got high.

[1105] He said, if I got high, he goes, then I can be more patient with her.

[1106] I can talk to him.

[1107] And I was thinking, this poor guy has to be drug done.

[1108] up right in order to have a good time like how sad is that you could have been getting stone looking down on him fucking like on hand gliding he could have been could have been getting high with them combing each other's hair so weird how anything you don't get a bunch times you've never really been through something you just look at people like such a shame well you know I I knew a lot of kids when I was growing up that were doing drugs and they all turned out to be losers and I was absolutely terrified of being a loser and my entire high school career from the time I was 15 on.

[1109] I was fighting competitively in martial large tournaments.

[1110] That's all I did.

[1111] And I knew that partying and doing drugs and anything that I fucked up my body with, it was going to be really bad on my performance and I was going to get hurt.

[1112] I was going to get knocked out.

[1113] So I always associated any sort of drugs, anything like pot, anything that makes you lazy.

[1114] That's just going to, you're just going to get your ass kicked if you fuck with that stuff.

[1115] That's how I put it in my head.

[1116] I put it in my head that it was for losers and lazy.

[1117] And you just left it there.

[1118] Just left it there.

[1119] So even though, you know, Phil Hartman's his multi -millionaire, I'm like, poor guys.

[1120] got a smoke pot.

[1121] Yeah, because your frequency of ideas are set.

[1122] But if you came to a fresh and somebody said, hey, and you just came to the world where you hadn't seen, but you saw all these really cool people doing it, you're like, no, I'm pretty sure the cool people are doing it.

[1123] Yeah, he never really put it in the same perspective that Eddie Bravo did.

[1124] When Eddie Bravo, the way he put it into, it was much more that like pot is beneficial, much more like pots giving them all this positive things and all these ideas and enhancing his creativity.

[1125] like Eddie was like really like espousing the virtues of pot, whereas Phil was more of talking about how when he smokes pot, his life is tolerable.

[1126] You know, when he smokes pot, his relationship is tolerable.

[1127] You know, it was really a trip because, you know, if I had known back then, I probably could have got high with him all the time.

[1128] Yeah.

[1129] Had a great fucking time.

[1130] We had a great time anyway.

[1131] He was a really, really cool guy.

[1132] I did a lot of fun shit with that dude.

[1133] God, he took me out on his plane.

[1134] He had a little.

[1135] He had a little.

[1136] He took me out on his plane.

[1137] He had a little.

[1138] little plane.

[1139] Aye, aye, aye.

[1140] Yeah, it was a little single engine.

[1141] That's a lot of trust in someone, man. I've been in a couple of those little tiny planes, and it's scary.

[1142] I love that, dude.

[1143] He was fun.

[1144] He was really honest.

[1145] Like, he would talk to you about all kinds of crazy shit, and he was up in this plane with me, and he's showing me where to live, like, showing me like good places to live.

[1146] Oh, wow.

[1147] This is good.

[1148] It's like not as populated.

[1149] It's a little more, a little more property.

[1150] And then over here, it's nice, very convenient.

[1151] He took me up on his plane.

[1152] Show him around.

[1153] Over here, way too many Persians.

[1154] Ha, ha.

[1155] He never said, though.

[1156] You're putting words in his mouth, son.

[1157] But, you know, that was right before, before the end, you know.

[1158] It was just, it was so sad.

[1159] It was really, you know, the weirdest thing was after we all went to this sort of a memorial service.

[1160] Yeah.

[1161] And all the cast, we all went to Paul Simms' house, who is the creator of the show, the executive producer.

[1162] And we were all, like, in shock.

[1163] And, you know, Paul goes, Joe, you know, you can always talk.

[1164] like why don't you say something and i said you know fuck you know i don't even know what to say i said he's a great guy i enjoyed being around him it's like i didn't even i didn't even know what to say everything i said just sounded so stupid yeah it's like what am i said well i'm even talking here we we all just feel like shit and do we even have some do we have some good stories let's let's see if we can remember some stories you know and just but it was just like so crazy it's like what he's dead his wife shot him and then she shot herself he just he just left he just gone.

[1165] Exited the world out of it.

[1166] He just bang, blanked out of existence.

[1167] Yeah.

[1168] Very, very strange.

[1169] It's such a surreal feeling.

[1170] I've had it happen a bunch times now.

[1171] It never gets normal.

[1172] Yeah, at least it was like a partier.

[1173] You could sort of see it like, oh, that just came out of nowhere.

[1174] Oh, it's horrible.

[1175] Who gets killed by their wife?

[1176] So horrible.

[1177] It was so horrible.

[1178] And, you know, here's the most horrible thing.

[1179] When I first heard the news, I thought he killed her.

[1180] Really?

[1181] And then killed himself?

[1182] Yeah, I thought he changed.

[1183] Because he hated her so much?

[1184] I just thought he couldn't take it anymore.

[1185] Like, she might have done something to him, and he went crazy, and they fought it out, and then he wound up killing it.

[1186] Oh, yeah?

[1187] Well, how about this?

[1188] Yeah.

[1189] Yeah.

[1190] Who knows?

[1191] I never would believe that he would have done that.

[1192] But when I heard the news, I mean, that's what you always assume that the man is responsible for the violence, don't you?

[1193] I've dated a lot of crazies lately.

[1194] Well, not violent ones you haven't.

[1195] We'll talk later.

[1196] Poor fellow.

[1197] You need a hug?

[1198] It's the most important thing I think in any relationship is don't ever be around someone who likes to yell Don't ever be around someone who's looking to get way more angry than they should But if you're into that Oh then get your freak on, son?

[1199] Is that what you like?

[1200] Choke me. Choke me and yell at me. Do it.

[1201] Girls at comedy clubs, how many times you see that where there's a girl with a dude?

[1202] The dude's kind of weak.

[1203] Yeah.

[1204] And the girl's super mouthy and really, really like, shoddy and heckily.

[1205] And the reason why is because she's just not getting enough attention from this guy.

[1206] and she's decided to just zoom a bunch on her.

[1207] He's not really working it.

[1208] It's not working.

[1209] There's no connection there.

[1210] She picked him because he was easy.

[1211] And then she's out with him.

[1212] She's not impressed.

[1213] She just wants to later.

[1214] That's what certain people are attracted to.

[1215] She wants someone to bust her around.

[1216] He wants someone to boss him around.

[1217] Yeah.

[1218] Isn't that funny?

[1219] Yeah.

[1220] They just found themselves.

[1221] Yeah.

[1222] They just find themselves.

[1223] And, you know, and it's always the man that gets crushed in those relationships.

[1224] Because eventually she finds some dude who's going to fuck her correctly and shut her up.

[1225] Uh -huh.

[1226] And then she calms down because that's really all she needed all along.

[1227] there's girls like that right there's girls that you have to fuck them hard or you're going to be in arguments yeah I think I've met one or two most of the time it's the opposite I used to say that she would get argumentative she would get like like she would like start looking for fights if she didn't think that a guy was attracted to her you gotta fuck him so hard they press charges no she wasn't like that she was talking about how she has this weird instinct and she doesn't know what it is but when she feels like a guy's not attracted to her or a guy's not impressed with her she would literally start picking on the guy and not like him.

[1228] Really?

[1229] Yeah.

[1230] Like a fucking animal?

[1231] Yep.

[1232] And like looking to have arguments with him about things, like over nothing, just because he wasn't attracted to her.

[1233] Because he's not showing the proper amount of attraction respect.

[1234] You know, like some dudes are so stumble over themselves.

[1235] Well, good golly.

[1236] Can I get you something?

[1237] That she just won't.

[1238] And when a guy's not like that, when a guy's like nonchalant and treats her as an equal, just or talks to her as if she was a man instead of a beautiful woman, you know, with all this, whoa, I can't believe I'm talking to you.

[1239] With all that gone, you know, just talking, and she would, she said she would get upset at guys like that.

[1240] I'm like, wow, that's crazy.

[1241] She would get upset.

[1242] She wasn't getting what she wanted.

[1243] Did you do?

[1244] My, uh, laptop, I think.

[1245] What is your laptop doing?

[1246] Dying.

[1247] That doesn't sound good, dude.

[1248] Yeah, your hard drive is getting jacked, son.

[1249] it's over here is it this it's my laptop it's a fan no this doesn't have a hard drive like that it's got a solid state hard drive well that was a fucking awesomely entertaining 30 seconds of what's that noise that no one else could hear that's one thing I'm addicted to by the way is what we were talking about earlier what pot yeah super addicted yeah it's just like you know you get way into things is it an everyday thing oh yeah yeah do you take days off ever and and wish you had it yeah what do you take days off sometimes yeah but not much no i won't smell like every day aren't he's like past joey ds now i think oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah he's like triple style jolly or something wow well i gotta say this man you've been really happy yeah like over the last couple of months maybe it's increased pot is that what it is no Because the same people were saying the increased pot is making me depressed.

[1250] Yeah, I think, you know, look, you live the life of a comic.

[1251] It's a silly life.

[1252] It's not a bad life for smoking pot all the time.

[1253] Yeah.

[1254] I won a, well, I didn't win.

[1255] I came in seventh in a poker tournament yesterday.

[1256] 289 people, seventh.

[1257] And I was high the entire time.

[1258] That's incredible.

[1259] Every time we had a break every two hours, I run to my car, smoke, and try to make myself cough as hard as I could so I could.

[1260] Oh, that's hilarious.

[1261] Smoke a bunch more.

[1262] What?

[1263] Coff and get off.

[1264] How many hits you're taking when you went out there?

[1265] Probably like four or five, like every single time.

[1266] Do you eat a lot of bananas?

[1267] No, but then I also don't eat much when I play cards.

[1268] So I get a super like, I want to eat what?

[1269] Seems like a great idea.

[1270] To what?

[1271] To not eat why you're trying to think and be at your best.

[1272] No, honestly, you can't eat because that's the same thing with pool players.

[1273] It slows down your thinking.

[1274] Yeah, it slows down my thinking.

[1275] I would eat like a vanilla bar every couple hours.

[1276] Maybe if I need to do, something smaller banana.

[1277] When you're involved in a heavy thinking thing, your body starts, yeah, breaking down the food.

[1278] A poker pro said that online once, and I listened to it.

[1279] I was like, so say what it is?

[1280] Well, when you have food in your stomach, your body uses resources to digest that food, and that's resources that it could put towards thinking.

[1281] I mean, it's really simple.

[1282] It's like how much energy is going towards each individual task.

[1283] Like I always talk about the isolation tank.

[1284] Well, the reason why the isolation tank is so powerful is your mind uses zero resources on your body, zero.

[1285] And you just have so much more to be able to talk about anything.

[1286] I think about even after you eat, you start getting cold because blood goes away from your skin to help digest.

[1287] And then it's like you shiver just because you'll be good on your own for a second.

[1288] Yeah, have you ever made the mistake of eating and then working out too quickly?

[1289] What happens?

[1290] That's the worst, especially in jiu -jitsu.

[1291] Like, you're rolling, you're sparring and you want to throw up and you get, like you have to take a shit.

[1292] It's like, it's a terrible feeling.

[1293] And it's in your stomach.

[1294] I thought I ate three hours ago.

[1295] You got to have an empty stomach when you train.

[1296] It's very important.

[1297] Tony Anagoni is this professional pool player who's a friend of mine.

[1298] They wrote a book about him called Playing Off the Rail, where David McCumber, this guy who is this really great journalist, and he's a great writer.

[1299] He followed Tony Anagony all over the country while they gambled playing pool.

[1300] It's a great book.

[1301] It's like a real, like a real hustler story about a guy who was a real professional player who just decided to just show what it's like to try to play people all across the country and is documented by a really great writer.

[1302] but he would when he would do long matches he would eat nothing and just drink water yeah I drink water or Gatorade yeah eat nothing and drink water and I'm wondering too it's like if you're going to eat something if you're not going to go all the way and say I'm not going to eat for 12 hours you know if you're going to eat something there are certain types of food that'll make you drowsier and certain type of food that won't so I want to find out what those types are yeah like if it's like nuts better than like chips I don't know right yeah yeah there's got to be some stuff that's good for your mind there's got to be some stuff that's really light light food like dried fruits or something like that i tried just in a salad they had the salad so i was like let me try that yeah that's not a bad move but i think i don't really have any idea what does it so i i think i got to go online and look i've had salads and then worked out and been okay yeah it's not it's not nearly as uncomfortable as i've had meat it's eating steak and then try to work out sometimes you eat so much so you just want to go to sleep sometimes it's like oh that was good eating it depends what you eat i mean i had a nice piece of meat last night and i felt like i could just run a marathon after eating that You're trying to tell us you suck the cock?

[1303] Is that what you're saying?

[1304] You got a 50 % off steak at the grocery.

[1305] Yeah, 1980s insult.

[1306] A nice piece of meat.

[1307] It's a really, really, really, really, really sweet tweet.

[1308] What kind of meat was it?

[1309] New York strip.

[1310] Did you cook it yourself?

[1311] Don't you feel like a fucking man when you cook a steak over a fire?

[1312] Oh, I love it.

[1313] Something about it, right?

[1314] It's primal.

[1315] Yeah, it's a caveman.

[1316] Dude, I don't even like...

[1317] Is your gas you can just turn right on?

[1318] Huh?

[1319] Is yours gas?

[1320] Can you just turn?

[1321] Oh, that's great.

[1322] Propane.

[1323] Yeah, but it doesn't taste is good.

[1324] I used to do it that way, too.

[1325] I gave away my propane tank to Ricky Schroeder, my propane...

[1326] It's all about your marination, son.

[1327] No, you know what it's all about?

[1328] I'll tell you what it's all about, dude.

[1329] This is what's all about.

[1330] It's all about lump charcoal, or it's actual wood.

[1331] It's not like those briquettes that have chemicals and shit in.

[1332] The lump charcoal, so it's actually just wood that's been burnt.

[1333] And then you use very little lighter fluid, if any.

[1334] Just use newspaper.

[1335] You stuff it in one of those chimneys that they have.

[1336] Yeah, the chutes.

[1337] Yeah.

[1338] And you pour all the coal in there, and then you light the fire underneath it.

[1339] It lights the whole thing up so fast.

[1340] Salt and pepper on your steak.

[1341] Get that motherfucker hot as shit.

[1342] White hot coals.

[1343] You sear it on one side, two and a half minutes.

[1344] Flip that bitch.

[1345] We're talking two inch steaks.

[1346] Then once you pull it off after six minutes, you slap it on the upper tray, close the lid, open the top so some air gets in.

[1347] We're talking about 350, 400 degrees.

[1348] You leave it in there for another maybe five, six minutes and then eat that shit, son.

[1349] No, nigga, no. It's all about the chemicals.

[1350] Them chemicals get that shit flavor.

[1351] No, you got that smoke juice.

[1352] Listen, yo, I'll eat that shit crisp with that A1.

[1353] I'm all about that A1.

[1354] They actually have this shit called like smoke, like juice or something like that.

[1355] It's just like the taste of smoke.

[1356] I found it in my cupboard the other day, so I decided to put it on some grilled chicken that I had cooked.

[1357] Yeah, how great was it?

[1358] And I poured, obviously I poured too much.

[1359] I didn't read the instructions because I thought it was just like Tabasco or something.

[1360] You're not supposed to do like a little drop or something like that.

[1361] And it, I swear to God, it was the worst tasting thing in the world.

[1362] Don't ever, ever.

[1363] It will haunt you.

[1364] It's like doing mushrooms for your first time.

[1365] It opens up this gate in your head.

[1366] And for the rest of your life, you're always going to know what that taste is.

[1367] You're always going to know what's possible.

[1368] It's smoke.

[1369] Like, it sort of tastes like food, but not.

[1370] Yes.

[1371] Ew.

[1372] Oh, I, um, I've been thinking about smoking some meat, doing some, like, with actual hardwood and stuff like that.

[1373] I talked to this dude about it who does it on the other ground on the mixed martial arts forms.

[1374] This dude named Sammy Claus?

[1375] Yeah, that's his name.

[1376] That's his name on the form.

[1377] And he's always got these killer pictures of like barbecue.

[1378] He's always like grilling things and barbecuing things.

[1379] And he's got this big crazy, you know, one of those Texas smokers where it's a big iron lid.

[1380] And there's a firebox on the side and you throw wood into the box.

[1381] And the smoke from the wood is what actually cooks the meat.

[1382] that's next door to the firebox.

[1383] It's really interesting.

[1384] It takes hours and hours and hours.

[1385] Seems like a lot of fun.

[1386] I'm going to try something like that, man. You've ever been to a pig roast where they just chocolate?

[1387] No, I haven't.

[1388] Damn, I wanted to go in Hawaii this time.

[1389] But I wanted to see if they have like a Lua that had that, but we couldn't find one.

[1390] Couldn't find one.

[1391] Could I have a pig roasting over barbecue?

[1392] Yeah.

[1393] I did one of those.

[1394] I think about Lou Ours is you got to hang out with a bunch of other people.

[1395] I got into it when I did it.

[1396] I was like, fuck it.

[1397] This is cheese dickish as shit.

[1398] Like, come on you're going to make these.

[1399] I'm like, I'm sure I'm going to make a little hokey low.

[1400] Is it a pig alive at all during the...

[1401] No, I thought that like maybe they choke it or something.

[1402] The best thing I got from that Lua, by the way, is I was in line with my ex.

[1403] I was in line.

[1404] We were throwing spears at these big haystacks.

[1405] Right.

[1406] And this black guy was in front of me. And he was about to fill the spear.

[1407] And I just turned to my ex.

[1408] And I was like, hey, and she goes, do you want me to take a picture of the black guy throwing a spear?

[1409] And I was like, I need you.

[1410] too, please.

[1411] And I still have that picture.

[1412] It's amazing.

[1413] She got a perfect mid -throw.

[1414] She knew me well enough.

[1415] She knew, but she knew also.

[1416] It's like, even though I don't support this in any way, fine.

[1417] I know you find this funny.

[1418] All right.

[1419] Yeah, if you're a black dude, throwing a spear, it's a real risky move.

[1420] Doing a lot of things, you know?

[1421] It's like spear chucker.

[1422] That's like one of the top ten.

[1423] Chicken, watermelon.

[1424] Grape juice.

[1425] It's amazing.

[1426] The watermelon thing's amazing.

[1427] Watermelon is fucking delicious.

[1428] That somehow, they could be any sort of a negative.

[1429] connotation put towards watermelon.

[1430] When I worked at Arlington National Sanmatory that grew in the back once, they grew a watermelon and this was in the fucking shack, laying down pipe with all the, it was mostly black people.

[1431] You said laying pipe.

[1432] And they picked this they picked this watermelon, they put it down to everybody and they devoured it.

[1433] The black people jumped in there like it was, like I'm assuming like piranha 3D was.

[1434] It was just, they were just all over.

[1435] You're like, oh my God.

[1436] I didn't have any.

[1437] That's my first experience with black people in watermelon.

[1438] So they ate it all and you couldn't get in there?

[1439] Oh, they were devouring.

[1440] And it's not, I understand it's not a bad generalization.

[1441] Right.

[1442] You love watermelon.

[1443] It's delicious food.

[1444] It's great.

[1445] But you had a real experience with one.

[1446] That's like a Sasquatch sighting.

[1447] Like, you actually there in the, in the shit.

[1448] The Latino guy got a piece, a small piece.

[1449] Black people got everything and the other white guy.

[1450] Was there just not enough watermelon to go around?

[1451] Was that the real?

[1452] I think there was.

[1453] I think they took doubles.

[1454] They took doubles.

[1455] I think they just went in there.

[1456] There was like, I'm just eating watermelon.

[1457] So there was a bunch of people in line to get this watermelon.

[1458] It wasn't really a line.

[1459] Like, they sliced it open.

[1460] I was like, hey, watermelon here, and then they just went to town on it.

[1461] But there was not enough watermelon for everybody.

[1462] I think there would have been.

[1463] In an order of birthday party fashion, they probably wasn't as bad as you're saying, yeah.

[1464] No, no, it was pretty bad.

[1465] Well, it sounds like they didn't give a fuck if nobody else got the watermelon.

[1466] It just kept...

[1467] It wasn't like a major big deal.

[1468] It was more interesting to watch.

[1469] And I still will.

[1470] It'll be a drum now.

[1471] Did you feel inadequate?

[1472] No, but this one time, this black guy did this thing where he goes...

[1473] Hey, Ari, what does this look like?

[1474] you and he picked up his shirt and he had his top of his dick pointing out over the top of his pants and I was like what the ugh but I was also like god that's how does it what did it taste like tasted like uh I could come with anything I should have come with an answer there did you did you feel concerned that this guy's dick was poking out no the only thing I was concerned it was like my dick would not reach a top of my pants let alone have all of your head go above the pant line and he wasn't like scooting it down at all and he wanted you to know yeah it was like a joke i get it but it was like wow that's bigger than i've seen i was 16 yeah when a really dark black dude like you know like it was purplish like so could you or you know when a guy like that just pulls out his dick makes you look at it it's uncomfortable yeah check congo check congo pulled out his dick you would be like you in the bathroom and uh check congo went to stall right next to you and he's being and uh as you're about to leave he goes hey look at this and just makes you look at it yeah you'd want to turn away but you you would have to look at the corner of your eye you look like not straight on but like this like yeah he would own you forever you wouldn't even have to blow him he'd say you in the hallway the next time and just nod yeah and you'd be like he'd be uncomfortable around him every time you're around him you'd be like okay how long do I have to hang around here to make it look like I'm not uncomfortable He didn't punk me and I didn't leave because of him It's like Yeah Brian you got this Toneta song back You love it huh I love it He's got a bunch of interesting songs man What I like about him is what I like about that other band That you told me about today What's that band?

[1475] Oh yeah God damn it caught me off guard Die Antwerd And they're from southern Africa Where they made like a district nine the same guy from the same part of the country or whatever and they're really interesting you got to see the video but here's like what I'd like about it though is the same thing I like about this Toneta this is all from the internet this is all I don't know who's behind these guys do you get any of your news from anywhere else besides the internet I don't you don't really wow do you no that yeah no I don't know I mean I don't know just you can't differentiate anymore because when I read it on the internet you can't differentiate anymore because when I read news stores in the internet it's like washingtonpost .com right yeah i guess you're right times dot com so it's like what would i be reading yeah my information from i don't it's it's a weird thing though it's like but then nobody has monopoly on you anymore because you can go to the washington post dot com but that's not the only that's not the only thing you're reading yeah you can't before you could decide between the sports page and the front page but with this you just go to washington post and you go to fucking alice jones yeah he has to say then you go to the next thing yeah there's so much information out there So this is this crazy fucking band This is South African rappers This guy's beatboxing And his DJ has progeria You know, that disease that makes you age Really?

[1476] Yeah Is it named DJ Progeria?

[1477] No, that would have been a good name though Listen to this thoughts Interesting Is it all for it?

[1478] There's some beat boxing to it but it just sounds like a weird flow in that South African accent.

[1479] I don't think playing this the flashlight people would agree with this at all.

[1480] Why?

[1481] I just don't think it's a...

[1482] Yeah, I don't think it's their market like this.

[1483] I don't think they would...

[1484] This is just so you can see what a little bit of.

[1485] So, Philadelphia Germans.

[1486] That's not a good one to show.

[1487] What's that ninja song?

[1488] The other one's better.

[1489] See what they look like.

[1490] He's a freak.

[1491] Real weird fucking dude.

[1492] A bunch of strange shit tattooed on his body.

[1493] Did he have a richy rich?

[1494] Tattoo to his body?

[1495] Richie rich.

[1496] I don't know, does he?

[1497] That's hilarious.

[1498] Maybe that's like a clutch thing to have if you live in South Africa.

[1499] It's pretty cool.

[1500] That guy looks like a Nazi.

[1501] God.

[1502] He looks scary as shit.

[1503] He doesn't look as scary any other one.

[1504] Look at the DJ.

[1505] He has that disease where he grows.

[1506] and he's like an old man. Yeah, he's 20.

[1507] Do you remember I was just talking about that?

[1508] It was like 40 seconds ago.

[1509] I was like, you were setting up the stuff.

[1510] Brian goes into a zone when he's setting up tech equipment and doesn't even hear what we're talking about.

[1511] Yeah, because I'm thinking about it.

[1512] That's what I do when you guys start talking about tech equipment.

[1513] I just like zone out and start looking around this, whatever restaurant we're in.

[1514] The DJ sings with him in this song.

[1515] Like you can see the DJ like moving in the background.

[1516] Well, you know, like while he's like jamming to the song and the DJ jams the song.

[1517] And it's like, Wow, this kid...

[1518] How long do they...

[1519] Does he have?

[1520] I don't know.

[1521] I mean, how long do you have period when you have perjure?

[1522] Maybe, I mean, is that definitely DJ?

[1523] It's not just someone that they had for that video?

[1524] Yeah, no, that's a DJ.

[1525] So here he is.

[1526] So he goes out and he's doing all this and he's dancing around and as he's doing it, then the DJ goes in there.

[1527] Oh!

[1528] Ah!

[1529] That's a girl.

[1530] Don't forget, our ears are attached to your mouth right now.

[1531] That looks like an alien.

[1532] There you is.

[1533] Yeah.

[1534] That's a trip, man. It's a trip when the...

[1535] the human body is just...

[1536] Wow!

[1537] Just wired, all completely fucked up.

[1538] That just looks like an alien.

[1539] Yeah.

[1540] That doesn't look like...

[1541] Why you're judging?

[1542] It looks like an alien.

[1543] It's very strange.

[1544] I think a lot of people probably think you look like a Jew.

[1545] Oh, no. How dare you.

[1546] That's a new monster movie.

[1547] The Jews versus the aliens.

[1548] Jews versus aliens.

[1549] Just get them a sandwich.

[1550] Get them some chips.

[1551] What is the official...

[1552] Wow.

[1553] What is God...

[1554] How did Jesus people say, what's the reason for that?

[1555] What?

[1556] Someone having perjuria or retarded people.

[1557] What was God doing?

[1558] Let's kill this, Brian.

[1559] You know, well, that's a good question.

[1560] It's just fucking...

[1561] It's just dumb.

[1562] Well, what do they say in...

[1563] You were like a seriously religious young man. Yeah.

[1564] What does the Jewish faith say about someone who has some sort of a disease like this, why would God do this to them?

[1565] God, I don't...

[1566] What do they say?

[1567] I don't know what they would say.

[1568] They must have some sort of an explanation.

[1569] You know, and I never really, I never really, uh, I don't remember anything like this.

[1570] Really?

[1571] Any sort of question like this.

[1572] But, I mean, they have the thing that the more you suffer here, the more you'll be rewarded in the afterlife.

[1573] Oh, they do?

[1574] They say that, but then it's like, nah, it's crap because a lot of these, some of these rabbis, like, of the elders were like super awesome businessmen.

[1575] Oh, really?

[1576] They had tons of cash.

[1577] Most of them were broke, but some of them had...

[1578] So it's like, what are they going to hell, you're saying?

[1579] Right.

[1580] because they were better, no, I think he's like, no, he just, you make that your own, but live like I want you to, I guess.

[1581] The Jewish faith and the Italian faith have a lot of guilt, Italian faith, listen to me, the Italian, you know, Catholic faith, you know, what I grew up with, it's got it, thank you very much, culture.

[1582] Very, very similar, a lot of guilt, a lot of guilt, a lot of you must work hard and a lot of guilt.

[1583] And then a lot of family, too.

[1584] They're both similar, too.

[1585] But it's interesting that the whole guilt thing, I know.

[1586] Just make you feel bad.

[1587] I'm glad I don't have to doing stuff that everyone does.

[1588] I got a mild religion compared to what you guys probably grew up with.

[1589] I think, yeah.

[1590] I think part of it is being on the East Coast, too.

[1591] I really do.

[1592] The East Coast is filled with savages.

[1593] Way more forward -thinking people out here.

[1594] Yeah.

[1595] West Coast everywhere.

[1596] All up to count to Canada.

[1597] Yeah, it really is my theory is really a good theory.

[1598] The theory that I joke around about when I talk about it, that all these psycho immigrants moved to the East Coast, and they're literally, they took crazy chances.

[1599] They couldn't watch the fucking traffic.

[1600] channel or research it on the internet.

[1601] They had to talk to someone who told them that they could get land in America.

[1602] So they got on a boat and it took like a month to get over here by a fucking boat with their family and their children and shit and came over here.

[1603] They're crazy scrappers.

[1604] These are crazy wild people who are just willing to take a nutty chance and move to another fucking continent to further their cause.

[1605] And when you get people like that, they have this sort of a fucking angry, you know, aggressive, you know, get shit done energy that you don't get on the west coast.

[1606] You know, it takes, the people that move to the west coast are people that didn't like that whole vibe on the East Coast and kept moving, you know, and eventually they established, and a lot of it has to do with the weather.

[1607] The weather out here is so nice all the time that no one has to be hard.

[1608] You know, you don't have to be like you have to be in Michigan.

[1609] You don't have to be like you have to be in Boston.

[1610] That's so important too, man. That's just so important.

[1611] Because, yeah, I think about it every time I leave L .A., you know, I'm like, wow, I'm glad to get back to our temperature, not like, you know, which is like 75 is you know what it does it makes the climate becomes a non -issue for the most part right really does just takes away the weather except for possible earthquakes and you know tsunamis are always possible too if there's an earthquake off the fire fuck exploding towns exploding towns yeah i mean look there are issues i haven't lived with any of those things yeah there are issues though shit can happen right yeah but but other than that you don't have to deal with any ice you don't have to deal with any snow more chlamydia though what there's a lot more STD are you sure oh yeah There's a lot more A -A meetings you can find, though.

[1612] Dirty queues.

[1613] I don't even know if that's true, dude.

[1614] I think Clemenia and STDs have made it clear across the country.

[1615] They've cut on.

[1616] They've caught on.

[1617] Everybody's doing it.

[1618] Everybody's got the internet.

[1619] So, Climedia's everywhere, son.

[1620] Yeah, but there's so many more outbreaks out there.

[1621] MySpace spread it everywhere.

[1622] Once MySpace really kicked in.

[1623] I wonder if it's bigger in New York or L .A.?

[1624] Yeah.

[1625] I bet they all have their own.

[1626] People are all on top of each other.

[1627] They're going out more.

[1628] I think they're fucking more in New York.

[1629] Really?

[1630] Yeah.

[1631] You think they fuck more in New York than L .A.?

[1632] I think L. they fuck more for results.

[1633] What do you mean?

[1634] Try to get things done.

[1635] Oh, yeah.

[1636] Moving their career along.

[1637] Although, I've never really seen anyone do that.

[1638] I've seen people get stuff after they did it around with me. I've seen so many people do that.

[1639] I've seen so many people do that.

[1640] So many producer dudes.

[1641] When I first moved to Hollywood, my first show that I was ever on, there was a producer dude.

[1642] And he was banging the girl who was like, she was like, she had a small part in the show.

[1643] And then, you know, he was slinging the meat to her.

[1644] And I was like, wow, this is like so cliche.

[1645] Like, just the way they were behaving around each other was, like, so cliche.

[1646] It was, like, so obvious.

[1647] She's fucking him to try to get ahead, and he's older than her and not really quite good -looking enough to get her, but, like, but he's a player.

[1648] He's missing his ears.

[1649] He's confident out because he's been getting tough too often.

[1650] When I first moved to California, this show that I was on called Hardball was the perfect example of, like, what is possible in Hollywood.

[1651] Like, actors who would freak out, throw their scripts down, storm off the set.

[1652] the producers of the show, the original guys, were really funny guys.

[1653] This guy, Kevin Curran and Jeff Martin, and they wrote for Married with Children, and they wrote for The Simpsons, and they were really funny guys.

[1654] But they were writers, you know, and the network didn't think that these guys were strong enough personalities to run a show.

[1655] So they brought in this other dude, and this other dude had worked on, like, coach and a bunch of, like, really canned fucking comp, plunk factory -produced shows.

[1656] And this guy was horrible.

[1657] he was so bad the lines that he would come up but completely rewrote everything to his own taste on his yacht by the way where the girl who was playing the part would go visit him and she was hanging out with him and they would talk about the next day I had such good time on your bill thank you very much taking it was just the whole thing was so so completely ridiculous it was like so Hollywood one of the lines was this is how bad it got I played a baseball player I played like this guy who was like this baseball player that was always getting in trouble and there's a desk in the the dude's office, the dude who's the owner of the team, and I'm banging his chick on his desk and he opens the door and goes, excuse me, my that's my desk you're preparing to defile.

[1658] And at which point in time, say, I'm not defiling the desk, I'm defiling her.

[1659] That's the actual line.

[1660] While you're fucking?

[1661] That's the actual line.

[1662] I looked at that line and I just opened my mouth and I'm like, okay, these guys are just, they snuck in somehow and another.

[1663] Some writer was like, that's a woody line.

[1664] And you're like, yeah, I guess, on paper, maybe.

[1665] Not even on paper.

[1666] No one would ever do that.

[1667] But back then, it was also like, I like breakdancing.

[1668] No, no, it wasn't that bad.

[1669] It was 1994.

[1670] That was a sure sign of zero talent.

[1671] Whoever wrote that had tricked.

[1672] How did they get through?

[1673] How does no one ever read that?

[1674] Because these guys develop like cronies.

[1675] They have like pals.

[1676] Like this is one of the reasons why there's so many bad writers in Hollywood.

[1677] I mean, there's a lot of great writers.

[1678] Don't get me wrong.

[1679] But there's a lot of guys that are writing just like really horrible, mediocre shit and they're still around forever.

[1680] ever and they just get into this sort of a group where they start getting used and you know maybe they don't write good but maybe they have ideas that come out good in in writer meetings and they're all sitting around trying to think things up sometimes guys they're not good at putting the concept together but they're good at like getting a ball rolling you know and it's a that's a real function in a in a creative room but some of them are just fucking they're just in there from their cronies they're they're fucking cunts and this guy was the perfect example of it was like it was shocking it was one of the reasons why i wanted to go back if i hadn't got an apartment here and already got a lease i would have went back to new york i would have been like fuck this yeah i was totally totally done with the whole acting thing what what sure was bill ber on uh town onies so you lived out here for a little while and then went back to new york i think it just went half a season or a season yeah maybe season and a half as soon as i didn't even know about it the clubs really yeah it's hard man you know when you're a comic and you're used to doing your own thing and saying your own thing and you've got a good following like bill burr has and then it's hard to find the right people with the right voice unless you're going to write every episode you know everybody loves ray when uh you know i knew ray from way back in the days before he was ever you know doing any acting at all way before everybody loves raymond i work with him at jimmy's comedy alley in queens in like 1992 you know a long long long time ago but when he first got that show dude he was manic i mean he was obsessed we would go out we went out to jerry's deli me him and and kevin james and he had just gotten the show and this is all he could talk about like you know like maybe the guy comes in and he just thinking about it and writing scenes and stuff yeah did that sound more like Ernie Hi dear Too much like Ernie Kermit Defrog Yeah Come over here Joe Hey guys Ray Romano here Ray Romano here I'm gonna hear you lose it a little bit I can get it if I listen to him I could get it But anyway Ray would would just be like Breaking I went out to lunch with him the guy was just breaking down scenes while he was eating lunch like he just couldn't stop to him it was like you know hey here's this incredible big shot I'm not gonna blow this I'm writing everything yeah he was gonna make sure everything he became obsessed with it and wrote everything but you know but he did it the right way he threw himself into it if you're if you're not gonna do that man it's fucking hard it's hard to get someone to write your own shit Louis CK with his first show it's hard to put it together his first show I read as a pilot for his other one uh the one before it didn't get picked up yeah for like NBC or one some regular network There were like pieces of his stand -up in there But you could just see like three or four hands Trying to rewrite stuff It just looked fractured I actually like both Lucky Louie and the new one I haven't seen the new one And I only saw one episode of Lucky Louie But I'm a huge fan of him as a comedian Just a huge fan of him That he's just out there doing all these different things That are getting more people Pay attention to his comedy We gotta get him on the podcast He's probably busy man He's busy as fuck If he drug him up though get him drunk He doesn't even do that stuff Well he drinks every now and then and rants about Get him some killians?

[1681] He likes Killians.

[1682] How do you know?

[1683] I don't know.

[1684] The fuck you're talking about.

[1685] Of course that guy gets drunk.

[1686] God damn it doesn't.

[1687] He's single.

[1688] Yeah.

[1689] Probably drinks.

[1690] Yeah.

[1691] Unless you're a monk or some fucking yoga weirdo.

[1692] Yeah.

[1693] You know, it's like you got to, it's like if you have a nightclub.

[1694] A whole bunch of chips for your whole life, you know, you can't take them to the grave with you.

[1695] You've got to cash some of them in.

[1696] And health chips?

[1697] You know, you got to throw some booze at those health chips every now and then.

[1698] fuck it shit you know I used to give plasma to get weed I would sell plasma every twice a week sometimes I can't believe and now I look back I'm like what what what is plasma was that really bad for me to do do?

[1699] Do you ever stop to think about it and why would you yeah why would you sell blood who would you sell blood to because I was in college and it was cheap and there was like You sell your own blood?

[1700] Yeah my own plasma shut up idiot no no you'd sell plasma you'd get money How much?

[1701] Fifteen dollars?

[1702] It was on a college campus and they would do it.

[1703] It was like 50 bucks or something like that.

[1704] How much meth is in those those bags of blood?

[1705] I know.

[1706] That's what I'm saying.

[1707] If you can do it on a college campus, how many fucking Adderall lace it?

[1708] Is it legal?

[1709] Can you give away blood if you're jacked on that Adderall?

[1710] I don't know.

[1711] I'm sure they test you and do they test you?

[1712] Do they test you?

[1713] For how many different things?

[1714] I don't know.

[1715] Olympic style?

[1716] Had you had anal sex?

[1717] Something like that.

[1718] Something like legitimately.

[1719] They're just pretty much asking you for gay and they're like, we don't need your blood.

[1720] Wow.

[1721] That's when HIV was going crazy.

[1722] Wow.

[1723] When everyone was worried.

[1724] They would have, make kids fill that out.

[1725] Right.

[1726] Like you're 15.

[1727] Even if you've had blood sex.

[1728] All right.

[1729] Whatever.

[1730] Yeah, man, when you're getting blood from people, who knows what the fuck those people are doing before they're giving you that blood.

[1731] Yeah.

[1732] Who knows what new diseases are out there?

[1733] They haven't detected yet.

[1734] Right?

[1735] But, I mean, before AIDS was around.

[1736] Right.

[1737] knew there was going to be an AIDS.

[1738] Can you imagine if you can go back in time to the 60s while people just fucked raw dogs everywhere?

[1739] Nobody worried about anything.

[1740] But then he had ticks.

[1741] You know, we weren't good at fighting ticks back then, so you'd have to use, like, a matched stick.

[1742] Remember when people used to tell you, like, blow out a match stick and then get on the tick?

[1743] You know, I think there's Al Capone who died of syphilis.

[1744] So there was, there was still venereal diseases.

[1745] Syphilis turns into cancer.

[1746] Does it turn to cancer?

[1747] Uh -huh.

[1748] It's amazing.

[1749] One of them.

[1750] How many things can do?

[1751] fuck you up from sex all the different crazy diseases that are transmitted through sex that aren't transmitted through handshakes.

[1752] They only affect a certain part of your body touch some herpers at the back of your hand that you're fine.

[1753] Yeah, it's weird right?

[1754] Well, you get mad herpes from jiu -jitsu.

[1755] Yeah, eye herpes.

[1756] You can get herpes.

[1757] Herpes in your eye.

[1758] Dude, I heard about a dude who, listen to this, he dropped his contact lens on a mat and picked it up and put it back in his eye and got a staff infection in his eye and wind up dying.

[1759] Oh my God.

[1760] Yeah.

[1761] That's crazy.

[1762] It went systemic really fast.

[1763] It went systemic and it was through his eye and went right into his brain.

[1764] And that's a rap son.

[1765] Wow.

[1766] Yeah.

[1767] Did you see what's her name that, that female wrestler or the girl that had the sex tape?

[1768] I liked how you flexed when you said that.

[1769] The girl, China?

[1770] China.

[1771] Did you see that like thing?

[1772] She said it was a spider bite, but it was like a, it looked like to like to me. It looked like a fucking rainworm or staff infection.

[1773] It was so bad.

[1774] It was huge thing.

[1775] Well, you know, she might be shooting up.

[1776] You know, who knows.

[1777] Who knows what that is.

[1778] It could be a staff infection, though.

[1779] A lot of times people think...

[1780] She said it was like a spider bite or something.

[1781] Well, people think that staff infections are spider bites until someone tells it.

[1782] Yeah, already did that.

[1783] It looks like it, man. They still have a picture of Steph on the, uh, in that gym at all?

[1784] No. I really said, just put a picture on the door.

[1785] Yeah, not only that.

[1786] If you see anything that looks like this, stop and consult a doctor immediately.

[1787] It's Steph.

[1788] Who's that?

[1789] China.

[1790] That's her hole?

[1791] Yeah, it's her hole.

[1792] And what is she saying that is again?

[1793] Like a spider?

[1794] It could be a spider bite.

[1795] There's a spider called a brown recluse that does that.

[1796] She's saying it's a spider bite, but when I first saw it, I was like, dude, that looks like staff.

[1797] That's her wrist, huh?

[1798] No. No, it's her leg.

[1799] That's a leg?

[1800] I believe.

[1801] Yeah.

[1802] It's down there.

[1803] Ew.

[1804] Why don't I have to look at that?

[1805] Then here's her upskirts.

[1806] She's got nice feet.

[1807] She's got nice pussy boners.

[1808] What?

[1809] I love her pussy boner.

[1810] I'd like to put a little hat on it, dress it up.

[1811] It's fabulous.

[1812] Would you, Would you hit that, Brian?

[1813] No. I don't like girls that, that have a guy kind of muscle tone to.

[1814] Like, if they have a long, wide enough shoulders, I'm out.

[1815] I'm like, all right.

[1816] But what if, like, that's clearly not your type, but what if, I need a little, you're on the road somewhere and you're drunk and you sort of horny and, like, you had one girl you thought was going to work out, and then it didn't?

[1817] I'm turned off by it.

[1818] So, like, to me, I'm like, I'd rather...

[1819] So if she's like, hey, you want to hang out for a while?

[1820] You would say, no. Let's not just...

[1821] If she had like the muscle thing?

[1822] If she looked like that, like trying out.

[1823] You would say, no, I just want to go sleep.

[1824] Dude, that's masturbation.

[1825] Fleshlight.

[1826] That's what a flesh light's for.

[1827] You take it on the road with you?

[1828] No, I don't need to.

[1829] You take it on the road with you?

[1830] No. That's a commitment.

[1831] No. I don't need to beat off that bad.

[1832] You just get used to sanders.

[1833] Unless I was going away from...

[1834] I love about that's the line you draw.

[1835] Some random...

[1836] Not outside of my home.

[1837] Listen, fellow, when I go on the road, it's for work, not for pleasure.

[1838] No, I fuck pillows on the road, because that's, it's not your pillow, you don't have to worry about him.

[1839] Do you fuck pillows?

[1840] I do, at least.

[1841] So, chances are we stayed in some of the hotels over and over again.

[1842] I might have slept on one of the pills that you fucked.

[1843] How do you fuck the pillow?

[1844] You just hump it, you know, it's soft.

[1845] No, I don't know.

[1846] And it's silky and soft.

[1847] But there's nothing it goes into.

[1848] Huh?

[1849] No, you don't have to.

[1850] It just rubs against it, the outside of it.

[1851] You kind of shave off a layer of skin?

[1852] Huh?

[1853] Like when you were four years old and just figuring it out?

[1854] Totally.

[1855] Not four, 14?

[1856] I was kidding, dude I didn't start beating off until I was about 15 I beat off early So early that nothing came out And then one day stuff started coming out Like three or four years into it And I really thought I broke it Wow Because I didn't know what it was And it was just like doing it So you thought when you came that you broke it But before you just came And you had orgasm And then that's it You just pull your pants and go And yeah All this fluid started coming out And it wasn't like a Like a gooey like it is now It was just completely milky like it was real loose watery you remember the orgasms you used to have when you were like 15 or 16 they were great I my girlfriend when I was 16 blew me she blew me this was seriously one of the first times I ever had an orgasm ever it was in her mouth and I was 14 and my fucking ears rang like pooh it was I came so hard my ears rang it was crazy like my whole body like all your DNA is like this is what you want to do You want to breed.

[1857] I've never been able to come that hard ever again.

[1858] Wow.

[1859] The hardest ever came once?

[1860] Years rang.

[1861] Just don't have sex for, what, 15 years.

[1862] Is that what you have to do?

[1863] Must be right.

[1864] Save it up.

[1865] Imagine that com.

[1866] You have zero control, too.

[1867] That'd be yellow comb.

[1868] Yeah.

[1869] I mean, she might have put it in her mouth for about 15 seconds.

[1870] That's all you needed.

[1871] Not even 15 seconds.

[1872] I did once behind the North Hill service desk in college.

[1873] It was like one of the desks that it was only open from like noon to 6 p .m. But it was kind of secluded.

[1874] No one could come up.

[1875] behind you, they could just come through the front door.

[1876] So I keep doing it, like lean up right against the table and start doing it and somebody would come up.

[1877] I have to stop.

[1878] Like, how are you, whatever?

[1879] And then I would just unzip it on button, you know, that's all.

[1880] So I could just, and then they'd come up so I have to stop again.

[1881] And it took like 35, 40 minutes.

[1882] All and off.

[1883] What it did, I was just like, I lost control of my body.

[1884] It was like a, uh, uh, uh, uh, for like a while.

[1885] I've been chasing that dragon ever since, man. I don't want to get that shit back.

[1886] That's hilarious.

[1887] When I first fucked really high That was sort of the same thing We're like, oh my God Yeah, people who don't know People don't smoke pot Don't even know how good sex can feel If you've never fucked high You have to fuck high It's like an amusement park ride Do it with something you trust or something Just both you say We're not potheads We're both can get high and do this together Yeah, you'll enjoy the sex so much more It really everything feels better Every touch is magnified I have a friend that stops smoking pot Except right before he has sex Wow And I'm like what if the girl doesn't do it He goes, I don't care.

[1888] I just say, I've got to get hard real quick.

[1889] Yeah, you'd be crazy not to.

[1890] It makes you more passionate, too.

[1891] Oh, that's awesome.

[1892] Get lost.

[1893] Yeah, but then if she starts crying, you start freaking out more than you normally.

[1894] Your girls are always crying.

[1895] I think you need to stop doing something.

[1896] There's something you're doing that's making them all cry.

[1897] I lose himself with a tears.

[1898] That's how I finger in my bumo with your tears.

[1899] What is it about chicks crying on you, man?

[1900] How many have cried are you?

[1901] I've never had one crying.

[1902] That's a great man. if somebody you've never had one cry on you i don't think so my first cry she cried what i'm doing because they all clean these woods on you i think maybe cried once because i accidentally i accidentally like where you're like fucking it slips out and just gets right in the ass bro wait you should not have done that right in yeah do really can it go right in i've never i've always i think i probably was like took it out put it like put it then pushed it in you know they shoved it right right right right it's probably something she have a giant butthole i don't remember who it was i just remember that happening.

[1903] I remember who it was.

[1904] I remember that story.

[1905] But that's another tale for another time.

[1906] What was it going to say?

[1907] What we're talking about before you were talking about dicks accidentally going into buttholes?

[1908] Oh man, I don't know.

[1909] God, we're still all high.

[1910] Do you know that in some states?

[1911] What were we talking about?

[1912] It's like legitimately not legal just to go smoke pot, just to go buy his pot and smoke it.

[1913] Like, it's like a problem.

[1914] Yeah, it's illegal.

[1915] It's real.

[1916] sort of weird, though.

[1917] Oh, it's very weird.

[1918] I've become super used to it.

[1919] Well, you live in California.

[1920] In California, it is legal.

[1921] You have a medical issue.

[1922] What is your medical issue?

[1923] Sleeplessness.

[1924] Oh, there you go.

[1925] This time.

[1926] The reason why you get high all day.

[1927] Yeah.

[1928] I had said I had knee surgery.

[1929] Oh, and you did.

[1930] There you go.

[1931] It's true.

[1932] Arshafir was out there in the trenches.

[1933] How to get some meniscus repair, yo.

[1934] And he said, let me see the wound, but it was arthroscopic, so the wound was super small.

[1935] Yeah.

[1936] And I forgot which leg it was Because they did a good job Right So I was like Oh and then when he's like Where is I don't see it I was like looking for it I was like Maybe I got the wrong leg And I was like Oh there is there He saw it It's like okay But he looked at it But he called me on my shit My right knee Where they did it With a cadaver graft Yeah That was my When they replaced my ACL You can't see shit There's no scars anywhere There's a little tiny scar right there Your leg is haunted You only scar by sexing nose There's a dead man It's a dead person It's basically the dead person Just provides a friend framework and then your body sort of fills it in with its own actual tissue whatever you want.

[1937] That'd be crazy if it came with like a birth certificate though kind of like a rabbit spatch kid and you get to like a little film.

[1938] There was a horror movie.

[1939] Do you remember that?

[1940] My hand or something like somebody got a hand at some fucking murderer.

[1941] He escaped.

[1942] He didn't get killed so the guy wanted his hand back so he hunted this guy.

[1943] This one arm murderer was hunting this guy and at some point he had his hand all like in a handcuff two cars going opposite ways like one guy and so he's just going to fucking yank him out.

[1944] He wanted to steal his hand back.

[1945] What the movie was this?

[1946] I don't remember, but I remember being a movie that's how previous for.

[1947] I never saw the movie.

[1948] There have been some movies with some fucking preposterous plots.

[1949] I want my hand back.

[1950] How about the John Travolta one with what the fucks his name?

[1951] Faceoff?

[1952] When he was an angel?

[1953] Oh yeah.

[1954] I like that movie.

[1955] That was good.

[1956] That was a good movie.

[1957] See, that was a good action movie.

[1958] I like that movie.

[1959] Well, that's all expensive.

[1960] I was like, why can't you just be as good as that?

[1961] But is it good today?

[1962] If you watched Face Off today.

[1963] I'm going to watch it again.

[1964] But you know what?

[1965] John Wu directed it.

[1966] He directs great action scenes.

[1967] Right.

[1968] So that's a plus.

[1969] Yeah, but the premise was so...

[1970] The premise was dumb.

[1971] And they had Margaret Cho and Eddie Isard in it.

[1972] Both of them, both of them annoy you?

[1973] Yeah, a suspect.

[1974] I was like, what are they doing in this small role in this movie?

[1975] It took me out of it.

[1976] Did it really?

[1977] That was aware of who they were.

[1978] Just because you're a comic.

[1979] No, I wasn't one.

[1980] Oh.

[1981] I was aware of who they were.

[1982] I was like, this seems like they're going to...

[1983] Yeah, those should have been anonymous roles or way bigger roles.

[1984] Hmm Interesting And I'm not even sure Margaret Cho was I might have just lumped her in with him She might not have been in the movie I saw her the other day She's so fucking hilarious She's on dancing with stars Yeah This season?

[1985] Yes My advice to you is When the commercial comes on To avert your eyes When you see Coming, dancing with us Just look away Why?

[1986] It's gross She's gross Yes Really As a body type You can like her All you want I do I like her a lot But you cannot pretend when you see this.

[1987] It is not horrible.

[1988] She's crazy.

[1989] I ran it to her with my family in Boulder when I was living in Boulder.

[1990] And she, uh, she's like, Yanipot.

[1991] And I'm like, this is just like California.

[1992] You can get it out here.

[1993] She's cool, though.

[1994] She's very friendly.

[1995] It's like, very nice person.

[1996] She wants a sexuality and at some point becomes like, ew.

[1997] Well, you know what, man?

[1998] What we do if you were her?

[1999] Let a rocket.

[2000] Let a rocket how she likes to rock it.

[2001] Makes me feel unpleasant.

[2002] Meanwhile, you're whipping your dick out, the comedy story.

[2003] On stage.

[2004] Think that's savory to her.

[2005] She walks in looking for some jokes You're getting your limp dick sucked by some fucking freak Yeah, we'll bring you on next Margie What was the name of the porn star?

[2006] Lane Lacey Lane L -A -C -I or Y L -A -Y -L -A -Y -N -E Yeah, and she said when they were introducing her She was completely naked, completely naked on stage Yeah, she was already just fully naked on stage And then she goes I've been in over 37 porn films Like, wow, it's a lot And she goes, it's not really that much 37 is not that much Whatever the number was She goes, that's not It's nothing To let you know that you could be her boyfriend Maybe she wants you to make you her boyfriend I think she was trying to be modest about her career Really?

[2007] Yeah Where someone's like This guy's been in These played clubs and colleges everywhere You want to say that It's like no that doesn't Nobody cares about that Right But just like I mean whatever I think it was that That's what I got the sense from her She was like I'm getting there I haven't built my name yet Would you have made her I asked Bella about her She didn't know what she was Would you be able to date a porn star like that out there in the business casually date them yeah casually would you watch their movies maybe yeah I probably would really yeah like say if you were on the road and she was back in L .A yeah would you like go on you porn and pick up one of her clips and beat off to it think about her getting fucked right I probably go with someone else I do I like how you're talking about as if you're like make fun of my girlfriend but I don't have a girlfriend why are you like mocking me you do Brian yeah do you do what yeah I masturbate to my yeah that girl yeah nice I never looked at a picture of her well you know you never looked at a picture for masturbation purposes no or at all it's very respectful at all it was Brian's girl it's not nice right but she wouldn't do anything for me after that she would not like that much although I have met some porn stories before I've seen any of their porn become friendly with them and then at some point I'm like I want to beat off like I'll come across one of them like yeah Yeah, let's do this.

[2008] It feels extra naughty.

[2009] No, not, yeah, just hotter.

[2010] Hotter.

[2011] You know Dana De Armand, you know her, right?

[2012] She made this tweet yesterday.

[2013] She said, she said, my face is covered with cum and slap marks.

[2014] That was one of her tweets.

[2015] Oh, wow.

[2016] That's great.

[2017] Wow.

[2018] That's pretty intense, you know.

[2019] She gets fucked hard, huh?

[2020] Oh, yeah.

[2021] Oh, yeah.

[2022] Black guys, a lot of them.

[2023] She puts in work, son.

[2024] Do you think anybody would be to this type?

[2025] of porn because there's so many different types black guys fucking white girls gently yeah for sure that's a there's a market out there like super calm and just like maybe it's for girls seeing a lot making love videos maybe yeah training wheels for getting really fucking yeah that's kind of what is on like a son of max kind of yeah but the black dudes are never like really soft and sensual come on baby come over here yeah soft essential black guy porn maybe that's what it is yeah soft and sensual black guys and love the white girls if they've had a black experience.

[2026] Or an Asian girl instead of going, just going Would you like some white men?

[2027] There's got to be, probably, this should be a porn where it's like girls just getting broken into the black experience.

[2028] It must be, right?

[2029] Yeah, it has to be.

[2030] But they're like abusing them.

[2031] Oh.

[2032] Oh, really?

[2033] Yeah.

[2034] It's like, this is your first black man. And I'm shoving it in.

[2035] Let's this deal is so fucking massive.

[2036] Yeah, that guy's scared ridiculous dick.

[2037] That shit's ridiculous.

[2038] How much money do you think you can make for those?

[2039] I think he's got like a Game guy.

[2040] There's a few guys.

[2041] It's got to be a few hundred grand a year.

[2042] You think so?

[2043] Tyler Knight said that the money just dropped substantially.

[2044] Because of all the free porn sites?

[2045] Yeah, yeah.

[2046] He's, you know, Tyler is, he was on the podcast talking about his blogs, and his blogs have kind of turned into him writing a novel and, like, he's got a publisher now and everything.

[2047] And he's really a fucking talented writer.

[2048] But, you know, he was, like, sort of forced into it because of the fact that the porn industry evaporated in front of his eyes.

[2049] and he's not like a big name act but he's I don't know he's sort of a name I think I think all the money's in producing too yeah but where are they gonna sell it now they're gonna sell it now they're gonna sell it like tons people buy really it's like dried up but it's like drive to the point of like if you produce and market your own DVD it's like you could sell so much that's why Chuck Taylor still get made because most people will not buy them right but there's a few people who will and we'll just exploit that market too yeah I always wonder when I hear about like some big porn thing that they're doing, you know, when some big porn tape is going to be released.

[2050] Like, how are they going to make money from that?

[2051] It's all parodies now, you know?

[2052] People want to buy like a ha -ha DVD, you know, for somebody.

[2053] It's kind of like, you know.

[2054] Oh, okay.

[2055] So right now it's turning into parodies.

[2056] Most of it's just webcam business.

[2057] They've been doing parodies for a long time, though, right?

[2058] But that is funny that it could be like a ha -ha gift.

[2059] Yeah.

[2060] Porn as a gift.

[2061] Here, I know you want to beat off.

[2062] Here's an excuse.

[2063] The Cosby hose.

[2064] I give you license to beat off.

[2065] I will know that you are beating off to this.

[2066] The Cosby one was funny because of, what's his face?

[2067] Comic, Jesus Christ.

[2068] What is his name?

[2069] Thomas Ward.

[2070] Thomas Ward.

[2071] He was a incredible Bill Cosby impression.

[2072] Great.

[2073] And all of a sudden, he was in a Cosby porno.

[2074] He wasn't fucking.

[2075] I've known that dude forever.

[2076] He's one of those dudes that I thought was going to really hit as a comedian.

[2077] I was like, he's got charisma.

[2078] He's funny.

[2079] he's going to get better.

[2080] I'm like, this kid's going to be good.

[2081] He had a certain amount of attitude.

[2082] Yeah.

[2083] He was pretty badass, but it never really worked out.

[2084] No. He was close to the other level.

[2085] That sketch group was pretty good.

[2086] Yeah, they worked good, right?

[2087] They had some good shit.

[2088] It's an interesting ride, isn't it, being in Hollywood, you've been here a while now, seeing guys in the business, seeing how, you know, it really awards persistence and focus and, you know.

[2089] Some guys, yeah.

[2090] Well, no, really, that's not true.

[2091] You don't think so?

[2092] No, I think it's pretty random both ways.

[2093] It's like it takes more time, but the same amount of people like drop off late and a lot of guys hit early.

[2094] Yeah, but the guys who stick around, it's a lot of it is their persistence.

[2095] That's what's getting rewarded.

[2096] Their persistence and their work, their hard work and their effort.

[2097] It's like you see the difference between those guys and the guys that kind of half -ass things.

[2098] Yeah, like Louis Anderson.

[2099] Yeah, there's always guys that sort of half -ass it.

[2100] I wouldn't say Louis Anderson, though.

[2101] Why would you say Louis Anderson?

[2102] Remember his manager came into the store once?

[2103] And he was like, do you mind him coming in?

[2104] I was going to show me his card or whatever.

[2105] Yeah.

[2106] And I was like, was he coming in tonight?

[2107] He goes, no, he's on the family feud.

[2108] I'm like, hey, he can still do spots.

[2109] He goes, you don't know Louis Anderson.

[2110] He does one thing.

[2111] Really?

[2112] Yeah.

[2113] And that's like an easy job.

[2114] So he's like not doing stand -up when he's doing that.

[2115] He's so big.

[2116] You know, when you're that overweight, it's got to be hard just to get around.

[2117] You know, you don't have a lot of energy to do more than one thing.

[2118] Why would he want to do stand -up, too?

[2119] What I'm saying is, though, someone who doesn't, like, work really hard.

[2120] Yeah.

[2121] Well, I wasn't talking.

[2122] talking about a guy like that.

[2123] He's pretty successful.

[2124] What I was talking about is guys that you see that when you start out together in Hollywood, and there's some dudes that just don't put in the effort.

[2125] They just slack off too much, don't focus enough.

[2126] I mean, how many guys have you seen come along the way that you were sure we're going to be really huge?

[2127] For whatever reason, they just stopped doing it.

[2128] Some of them just keep doing it, but they just stopped developing.

[2129] It's not even a question of work ethic.

[2130] It's just like, oh, you're just not getting better.

[2131] Yeah.

[2132] I know what it is.

[2133] Everyone's jokes are getting better, and yours aren't.

[2134] Yeah, that's a weird thing, right?

[2135] not, yeah, I think some people top out.

[2136] And that's not like they're not tackling tough subjects or honestness.

[2137] It's just like man, like sometimes you've got to find the place to be honest, you know, and just haven't come.

[2138] Right.

[2139] They're working just as hard.

[2140] Nah, I don't know if they are because they're not thinking about themselves objectively.

[2141] That's the difference.

[2142] The difference is everybody talks about like working hard, but are you working effectively?

[2143] Yeah.

[2144] I mean, what is it about your sense of humor that's not translating to all these people in the crowd?

[2145] There's got to be something.

[2146] Maybe you're just not funny.

[2147] You maybe need to look at yourself and how you're looking at things and Maybe your thinking is distorted, you know, and that's, that's very often the case.

[2148] That's what I think a lot of it is.

[2149] It's just, you know, you can say that they're working just as hard, but they're not really.

[2150] It's like, you know, I'm trying to push this truck up the hill by doing the right things.

[2151] Doing it the wrong way.

[2152] I'm trying to go sideways, and I'm pretty sure it's going to make it go straight.

[2153] You know, they just don't know what the fuck they're doing.

[2154] It's like they're working hard.

[2155] No one knows what the fuck they're doing.

[2156] Yeah, but.

[2157] Everyone's just guessing at it.

[2158] That's the weird thing.

[2159] Yeah, but you learn slowly along the way.

[2160] Yeah.

[2161] You know?

[2162] I learn it a little bit faster than you.

[2163] Whoa, what are you trying to say?

[2164] Brian does stand up every now and then.

[2165] He's thinking about making a motherfucking comeback.

[2166] This week, I'm ready to do a stand -up.

[2167] Where are you going to go?

[2168] Mostly ha -ha, cafe, and then try out a couple other places.

[2169] Really?

[2170] Are you looking forward to this?

[2171] You nervous?

[2172] No. Are you thinking about truly embarking on a stand -up journey again?

[2173] Because you always think about doing it and you think it's going to take too much time.

[2174] I do everything in seasons.

[2175] Like, everything when it comes to, like, doing a lot of videos or doing, like, stand -up or doing songs or drawing a lot seems like it comes in a season or video games even where I just want to play video games all the time for like a month and then I stop doing it stop and I want it's weird I have seasons of creativity I think I'm talking about stand -up is so hard and so interesting that I think it helps everything else you do anyway it'll help your videos it'll help it'll make you you'll have more experiences it'll make it interesting I say don't bother boom yeah whatever I really think I got this thought the other day that he does such great videos that's his mode of expression So if you have stuff, you want to get off your chest, like that's your way of expressing it.

[2176] That's the only thing you know that I do.

[2177] I also paint, I've painted for 10 years.

[2178] You write poetry.

[2179] I do.

[2180] Bonds of crap, that's just the only thing you're focusing on.

[2181] That's the only thing I know about it.

[2182] I didn't know about the painting at all.

[2183] I couldn't focus on a painting.

[2184] Why don't you just stop thinking about what you hear and just get to know the real, Brian.

[2185] This comedy is good, though.

[2186] Brian, uh...

[2187] Another baby thing?

[2188] Brian knows how to write jokes.

[2189] I brought one the other day, though.

[2190] I don't know if it's only, like, I don't know, like, if the majority of the audience is going to get it.

[2191] Okay.

[2192] Let's try it out right here.

[2193] Have you guys heard, like, you know, the iPod, the iPhone is killing the CD?

[2194] I don't buy it because have you ever tried to break up cocaine on iTunes?

[2195] I think that's funny.

[2196] I mean, I don't know if it's been co. Instead of an album off an iPhone.

[2197] Yeah, off a CD tray, right?

[2198] Exactly.

[2199] So that's known.

[2200] I would just get rid of it.

[2201] I've never even done coke, and I understand that joke.

[2202] I would just get rid of the part.

[2203] Have you guys ever noticed?

[2204] Well, that's how you start out a bit.

[2205] Have you guys ever noticed?

[2206] Sometimes it's just you have to get the ball rolling.

[2207] It's just a way to be comfortable.

[2208] You know, things like when you say something like that, like, how's everybody doing tonight?

[2209] You know, like, come on.

[2210] Really?

[2211] Are you asking a question?

[2212] What are you doing?

[2213] You're just getting the ball rolling.

[2214] That's what he's doing there.

[2215] My other one, though.

[2216] So my girl, we've been dating for a long time, and, you know, it's getting kind of boring in the relationship.

[2217] And so the other day, she, you know, goes, do you want to, Do you want breakfast in bed?

[2218] And I'm like, yeah, I love breakfast and in bed.

[2219] You know, it kind of surprised me. So she bent over, cupped her hand, farted in her hand, and blew it in my face, and says, There's your eggs, bitch.

[2220] I know this one.

[2221] You've already done this one to me before.

[2222] I knew it halfway into it.

[2223] And you knew I knew it, and you had to keep going.

[2224] I heard the first one, too.

[2225] You already heard the first one?

[2226] Yeah.

[2227] When did you hear the first one?

[2228] Oh, a year ago, whenever you told it to me. Oh.

[2229] Brian, I thought these are your new jokes.

[2230] I'll get you some new jokes.

[2231] That's why I was like, I took you some new jokes.

[2232] tuned out, I haven't realized.

[2233] I'll give you some new jokes.

[2234] You know what?

[2235] You know what?

[2236] You know what?

[2237] The red band haters that are going crazy.

[2238] Like, no. Why is this guy ruining the fucking podcast with his shitty jokes?

[2239] Here's like one I wrote in two seconds.

[2240] Farting on an old woman is one of the very few times that the reaction isn't in disgust but concern that they made poopies.

[2241] Wow.

[2242] Oh, that's way too long.

[2243] Just stop it.

[2244] These are just notes.

[2245] These are just notes.

[2246] Oh, shut your mouth.

[2247] I want to hear the Kanye West video before we get out of here.

[2248] Okay.

[2249] The Kanye Whist.

[2250] It's not to judge songs the first time you hear him.

[2251] Oh, no. It's not to know something's badass right away.

[2252] I don't know.

[2253] It just gets in your head.

[2254] It has played over and over again and starts to catch on.

[2255] That Seelow Green song.

[2256] Dude, that forget you one man. I heard the other day.

[2257] That was awful.

[2258] We need to play that too.

[2259] Why don't you load up, forget you?

[2260] That'll be the next move.

[2261] You don't want to do the Kanye one?

[2262] Yeah, let's hear the Kanye one first.

[2263] Did you see this chick get in the face with a watermelon?

[2264] Look at this video.

[2265] Oh, nice This chick This chick is I think it's on the amazing race She does a slingshot with the watermelon And the watermelon stays And the slingshot comes back And hits her in the face right here Oh When it gets slow motion It makes awesome She got knocked out too I'm pretty sure she got a concussion I mean it looks like she got It blew up in her face That thing is going so fast There's no arc to it She got stomped Gorge Driven into the turf Yeah, that's not good That's probably Fucking serious brain damage right there I mean think about what her Kind of impact her skull took here That is like She's got van der Leis Silva She got crow copped Reality shows So dangerous It's amazing that reality shows aren't killing people Left and right There's so many times When we're on Fear Factor Where I was like Fuck this is gonna be it This is gonna be the one This ain't good And we get through it Yeah And we got through it I was like, whew, there was some shit that happened.

[2266] The bull fighting one was the one that I was absolutely sure someone was going to die.

[2267] They had these bulls.

[2268] We went to this place that was like a, it was a bull riding training place.

[2269] That's where we're going to do this stunt.

[2270] And we had already gotten going.

[2271] I think it was in our second season.

[2272] Everybody was real comfortable and saying, we got this.

[2273] We've got a hit show in the air.

[2274] This is terrific.

[2275] Then everybody was agreeing to, if NBC agreed to it, everybody sort of considered that it was safe.

[2276] So all of a sudden, there's this bull fighting thing.

[2277] And you know how I am with animals.

[2278] so we're there and I go hey I go I'm concerned here I go what if someone gets stomped what if someone gets kicked This is a monster Yeah I'm like Is this really gonna Are you guys really You guys really gonna do this Yeah And they're like Well these are training bowls They're not that aggressive I'm like these fucking bulls Don't know they're training bulls They don't speak English They have no idea They're bulls Why did you become such an alarmist Me?

[2279] I think wasn't a little kid Really?

[2280] Saw too much violence Too much violence At a young age It's like whatever the story comes up, it's just a weird thing.

[2281] It's not good or bad.

[2282] It's just like you always be like, what could possibly happen?

[2283] I go up to 10.

[2284] When there's animals, animals, or danger or when I don't think people are paying attention hey, what the fuck, what's this?

[2285] When you were a kid though, was it like Laffey Taffling?

[2286] I am not laughing and this is the Taffy.

[2287] What?

[2288] What are you talking?

[2289] Never mind.

[2290] No, I wasn't alarmist when I was a kid though.

[2291] Yeah, I was always assuming that nobody was paying attention that the fucking Sasquatch was coming.

[2292] The wolfman was right next door.

[2293] You were to watch for them.

[2294] Nobody knew.

[2295] and I was the one in the movie that heard it first.

[2296] Got to warn the town.

[2297] You're like, guys, I'm...

[2298] Right.

[2299] You were the Paula Revere.

[2300] Well, I, you know, when I was really young, my dad beat the shit out of my mother in front of me. And when I was like five years old.

[2301] And from that moment, I think I have always been, like, quick to look out for craziness and danger.

[2302] Like, where the fuck is it?

[2303] What's going on here?

[2304] That guy might be nuts.

[2305] You know, it's like, the fact that my dad did it to my mom, that it was so impossible.

[2306] It beat that shit up.

[2307] for nothing and right in front of me and you know she was crying and he's yelling at her when she's on the ground i mean it was rough really yeah and it was five like jackson brown style ooh like fucking this is what it was she she she got hamburger i've told the story before but it's it's a fascinating story she got hamburger at the supermarket and apparently you know he didn't want hamburger for dinner and uh she asked or he asked what you know what'd you get she goes hamburger and he just open hand just pounds her in the face well i mean it was like a punch.

[2308] It was like an open hand punch.

[2309] Just clipped her in the face.

[2310] And she, you know, she slammed against the wall and slammed to the ground.

[2311] I was like, whoa.

[2312] Like, he is beating the shit out of her.

[2313] And she's screaming and crying.

[2314] And he's standing over her, screaming at her.

[2315] And I'm like, wow.

[2316] Because she got hamburger?

[2317] Yeah, my dad was nuts.

[2318] She deserved it.

[2319] Wow.

[2320] That's not even funny.

[2321] I'm just kidding.

[2322] Yeah, we know.

[2323] We know.

[2324] We know you're kidding, Brian.

[2325] That's not.

[2326] Why would your instincts even tell you to pull the trigger on that one?

[2327] That's silly.

[2328] But anyway, it was, it was.

[2329] from that moment on I think I've been the dude is like you know let's just fucking keep an eye on for everybody you know we might be around some nutty people here this fucking animal might come out and eat you this could happen here that could happen there since then okay so I saw that bull in my nature automatically these fucking 90 pound girls I'm gonna ride this bulls bulls like thousands of pounds it's this giant muscled fucking beast that's locked in this cage and hates it and people are fucking with him and touching him And as soon as that door opens, he can't wait to run out and kick this person off of his back.

[2330] And every one we did, they just barely miss getting crushed.

[2331] Really?

[2332] They almost got stomped on.

[2333] This chick, she weighed like 90 pounds.

[2334] She got shook off the back of this bull, and the foot just went like this, right by her face, right by her face.

[2335] Like, what if it hits her eye?

[2336] Yes.

[2337] If the foot crushed her face, if that hoof was six inches to the left or to the right, it would have crushed her fucking head.

[2338] He would have kicked her in the face and shattered everything.

[2339] She would have this giant mass of broken bone and inflated tissue and cuts all over her face.

[2340] It would have been horrible.

[2341] It scared this shit out of me. That was the one where I looked at that and I was like, this is a real roll of the dice here, man. This is dangerous.

[2342] That's craziness.

[2343] Everybody almost got stomped.

[2344] Everybody almost got gourd.

[2345] How did they say it was okay?

[2346] They just said it was okay.

[2347] The stunt guys told the fucking the network that they knew it they were doing.

[2348] and they said, don't worry about it.

[2349] People do them every day and the amount of danger that it actually causes it's very small.

[2350] What the fuck are you talking about?

[2351] Those are bulls.

[2352] They're bulls with their full balls and their dick.

[2353] And they don't want you riding them stupid.

[2354] They're trying to get some cow pussy and you're out there cock -blocking and sticking a fucking rope around them trying to ride them.

[2355] Get the fuck off me, bitch.

[2356] So they get crazy.

[2357] That was the only time that was worried people were going to die.

[2358] The end.

[2359] What about Kanye West?

[2360] God damn, this fucking phone.

[2361] How about Kanye West?

[2362] Oh, yeah.

[2363] AT &T.

[2364] Stop cockblocking AT &T.

[2365] Don't you know I'm running a podcast here, son?

[2366] Ladies and gentlemen, sorry for the lack of enthusiasm and or energy towards the end of this podcast.

[2367] It has petered out a bit.

[2368] We're going to end strong, though.

[2369] We're going to end strong with this Kanye West song.

[2370] It's not an ending strong kind of song.

[2371] What are you talking about, man?

[2372] This is powerful.

[2373] if this is the right video I hope he wears a polo shirt and a backpack I hope he wears wacky colors pretend like he walks around with a briefcase who was that dude used to stand behind him with a bow tie I don't know it was Professor X Daddy right Professor X is it no Brothers and sisters do you do who was Professor X he was in public yeah but who was he was the one that had to get rid of no Professor Griff they had to get rid of right?

[2374] Why?

[2375] Because he was saying all kinds of crazy shit.

[2376] White people got to die.

[2377] And they're like, oh, guy, no, we're telling records some white people.

[2378] Yeah, Professor Griff.

[2379] Police, that's as far as we can go.

[2380] Whatever his name was, something, Prime Minister Griff, Professor Griff, I don't remember what his actual name was, but he was like, public enemy was not radical enough.

[2381] He wanted to take it to the next level.

[2382] Let's take this name.

[2383] So this way they can squash their beef.

[2384] Yeah, put a camera on this.

[2385] Let me see what this looks like.

[2386] Close up that beef.

[2387] Put a camera on it, Brian.

[2388] I have to look out of the air, so...

[2389] We'll point it at the thing.

[2390] I know, but I can't see the screen.

[2391] This is the worst technology ever for viewing a video.

[2392] I already hate it.

[2393] Jesus walks is a good song.

[2394] Sounds like the music from Bed Bath and Beyond.

[2395] What is this?

[2396] Look at you.

[2397] Look at you.

[2398] This is awful.

[2399] Oh, it gets better.

[2400] The message here is that...

[2401] Just be an asshole.

[2402] No, the media paints these people as assholes, but really nothing they've done is wrong.

[2403] They're just regular people.

[2404] I'm not sure if that's the message.

[2405] You're a jerk off because you go to work every day.

[2406] Let's listen to him talk.

[2407] Contrived performance, just the way he's moving around and dancing.

[2408] Remember he's on Lenthal?

[2409] Trying to cry.

[2410] Yeah.

[2411] That was hilarious.

[2412] Remember me he was a gay fish.

[2413] This is a terrible song.

[2414] Yep.

[2415] Like, the message here is...

[2416] I don't get if he's saying I'm sorry, or it's like I didn't really do anything.

[2417] You've missed him.

[2418] Warren, like you're missing porn about me?

[2419] There's a bunch of different things in this.

[2420] He's also saying that it's a good distraction for people to pay attention to other people doing things fucked up.

[2421] It's all...

[2422] It's just wax.

[2423] It's all fecetry.

[2424] So, like, we need him to be...

[2425] Yeah.

[2426] He's, this is a guy who's lost touch.

[2427] This is awful.

[2428] Stop it.

[2429] You stop it.

[2430] Stop it, Brian.

[2431] I can't take it.

[2432] I can't take it.

[2433] I'm sorry.

[2434] I didn't mean to get violent.

[2435] Gosh.

[2436] that was atrocious.

[2437] You're telling me there's not more talented people out there than that.

[2438] That's ridiculous.

[2439] You know, to respond to any sort of a bad situation like that, with that song, like you did something fucked up, man. You got to come up with something strong.

[2440] Your comeback's got to be strong.

[2441] Or how about just say, no, that was a year ago.

[2442] Let's just move on.

[2443] I think that apology is so long ago.

[2444] If you want to do something about it, if that was the whole premise for getting them on, they both write a song about the instance, it seems to be that that was an agreement.

[2445] it right they both had a song about it you gotta knock that shit out of the park dude you know don't even bother who cares you know get over it i think everyone was over it after like a month i know people just stopped caring but i'm sure he heard about it in his world all the time dude he must have got crushed from that can you imagine i bet every interview she did they asked her about it to the point where it was like all right that shit crushed his soul he might be done might be over what do you think they said you got a standing ovation after that yeah what the only one of the night you know jesus christ i hate everyone I tell you what, though, Kanye's not bad when he has other people, he does shit on other people's songs.

[2446] I don't know enough about his music, but I know that Gold Digger song was awesome.

[2447] Dude, that one song, I fucking love that one song.

[2448] Here, I'll tell you right here.

[2449] American boy.

[2450] Yeah, that was a great song.

[2451] You want to hear it?

[2452] I mean, American boy.

[2453] It might be gay and I might just not remember.

[2454] What's wrong with you, boy?

[2455] You sure?

[2456] I liked him in that song.

[2457] This is his last chance for romance right here.

[2458] It's one of the songs you've been like, You're gonna bet your money on this?

[2459] It's one of the songs you know what I mean You've heard in many times, yeah I'm so out of touch, she'd be amazed I used to live in the woods, remember?

[2460] Oh yeah, that's right.

[2461] Did you shut that fire?

[2462] The house did not burn down.

[2463] The house I lived did not burn down, but hundreds of houses near it did.

[2464] Oh, this that Estelle joint.

[2465] Right.

[2466] I like how you said joint, like your fucking Spike Lee.

[2467] Oh, that's your song.

[2468] Yeah, Estelle, we're about to get down.

[2469] You're the hottest in the world right now.

[2470] Just touch down.

[2471] in London Town They give me your pound Tell I put the money in my hand right now Set a promoter we need more seats We just sold out all the floors seats Take me on the trip I like to go someday Take me to your club Come here with you You'll be my American boy This a great jam He said Hey sister It's really really nice to meet you I like the hook though I like this too The flesh light in this song's on.

[2472] I like her voice.

[2473] I want to marry her.

[2474] This podcast is literally...

[2475] I don't like his baggy jeans, but I like what's underneath them.

[2476] What a dirty bitch.

[2477] Baggy jeans?

[2478] She likes what's underneath them.

[2479] Oh, that's what she's saying, sir.

[2480] I like to get that dick, son.

[2481] Like cotton underwear.

[2482] It's a great song, huh?

[2483] I love it.

[2484] Some hot British chick.

[2485] Ari Shafir meets when he's in London doing a gig.

[2486] Oh.

[2487] That's right.

[2488] She's black with an English accent, ready to throw down, son.

[2489] She likes you.

[2490] She wants to kiss you.

[2491] There's no one like you, Olive.

[2492] This is you, man. This is your song, Ari Shafira.

[2493] You're the American boy.

[2494] There's always some rumors that if you go to Australia, they'll just have sex with your accent.

[2495] Really?

[2496] Yeah, they love Americans over there, man. That's what Eddie F tells me. Really?

[2497] Yeah.

[2498] He's over there.

[2499] He lives over there half the year.

[2500] Yeah.

[2501] He's huge over there.

[2502] It sells out everywhere.

[2503] Over here, he gets no respect.

[2504] You know?

[2505] that Arge Barker dude's giant In Australia Australia's paradise Well listen That other con U .S. song sucked But that one was pretty fucking awesome If there's anything we learned in this life It's to end on a positive Well he's a fucking ego -maniacal douchebag Okay That's a premier song Well you don't know how it's gonna be received yet though No that's ridiculous That song is ridiculous If he just listen to it He should be like What the fuck am I doing?

[2506] What is this?

[2507] This is ridiculous It's terrible It was just an ego stroking nonsense look at me I'm a tortured genius fucking sappy hunk of shit but he's capable doing a lot of great stuff but the thing is what it's like dudes get like they have this thing inside them and they want to they want to somehow or another get it out they want to express themselves they want to express their brilliance and then once they do express their brilliance and then people receive it as brilliance then their fucking head blows up and they get crazy and they're like see I was brilliant and they completely lose touch of what made them brilliant in the first place.

[2508] This frantic drive for love and attention gets sabotaged by too much love and attention because that love and attention comes like unconditionally.

[2509] The fans love them no matter what.

[2510] The fans are tripping over them.

[2511] So they start thinking they really are the shit and they start thinking they really are important.

[2512] They lose their humility and when you lose your humility you lose your creativity and everything you start to produce and sucks.

[2513] It must be hard with everybody telling you everything's great too.

[2514] Word, son!

[2515] Dropping the knowledge at 7 .26 p .m. That's the end of this.

[2516] podcast, ladies gentlemen, it has to end some way.

[2517] It's always good to end on a strong note.

[2518] Thank you to the flashlight for sponsoring us.

[2519] If you have not fucked it, you do not know what you're missing.

[2520] Feels way better than beating off, and I know you're going to do that.

[2521] Ari Shafir, I have one here for you.

[2522] It's right beside me. You have that that extra vaporizer?

[2523] I have that as well, but you can't take it unless you take the fleshlight.

[2524] I have, it's a package deal.

[2525] Take it and give it to me. Don't keep it to brought.

[2526] Why do you need two flashlights?

[2527] Why don't that be a thing you need?

[2528] I've ruined my other one.

[2529] Well, we're going to meet Chris from the flashlight.

[2530] Joey Diaz and I are going to take a tour of the factory.

[2531] Video to follow.

[2532] Video to follow.

[2533] We're going to go straight iPhone video, high deaf with a flash.

[2534] And we'll upload that shit on YouTube.

[2535] Let's not end with this gay song, man. You're hurting me. Hit me with something good to fade out to.

[2536] All right.

[2537] Thank you for tuning in, everybody.

[2538] Thanks.

[2539] We'll see you next week.

[2540] I'm in Austin, Texas.

[2541] Tuesday night, which is tomorrow night, but it's all sold out.

[2542] bad you snoozed bitches but I'll be back in November just one show just me and Joey Diaz but I'll be back in November for three days so a lot of shows five shows oh shit here we go what do you got me sugar pie honeybunch sugar pie because you're my sugar pies guys and fade to black ladies and thanks for tuning in love you see you next week were you delightfully surprised yeah I like this some nice mash I'll get a Jewish check.

[2543] Hold on, keep it out for a second hand.

[2544] I love this dirty bitch.

[2545] I hope she doesn't die.

[2546] I'm going to England.

[2547] I want to party with her.

[2548] I want to get fucking hammered with anyone.

[2549] You don't want to party with her.

[2550] This I do.

[2551] It's not just hammered.

[2552] I get, dude, I got fucking massive willpower.

[2553] I won't do anything stupid.

[2554] I think I could gain something from hanging out with her.

[2555] Watching her.

[2556] Yeah.

[2557] I think she's a real artist.

[2558] I mean, she's a nut and a fucking a banana head she's crazy but she's a real fucking artist that that pitch makes some good songs she tunes into it I don't know how she does it and I don't know what she's doing to tune into it whether it's heroin or you know the heroin's just a symptom of some other problems it might be ruin her but it might have what made her who she is in the first place you know it's that the ability to just let everything go and not give a fuck you know and just tune into whatever the fuck it is you're trying to make not everybody can do that man there's a reason why everybody locked on to that shit.

[2559] They know that she's exuding this...

[2560] Something real.

[2561] She's doing it, you know?

[2562] It's right.

[2563] What are you doing?

[2564] What'd you do?

[2565] This is basically going to do another song.

[2566] What the fuck, Brian?

[2567] Why'd you do that?

[2568] We were just talking about the song.

[2569] Okay, stop.

[2570] That's it.

[2571] Ladies and gentlemen, this is...

[2572] I'm going to give him a stern tongue lashing after this.

[2573] You didn't even pay attention to what we were saying, were you?

[2574] I was just going to show you some more Party Ben songs.

[2575] We were...

[2576] Fuck Party Ben.

[2577] We were grooving about...

[2578] Amy Winehouse.

[2579] You know, listen to what we're saying, boy?

[2580] I don't care.

[2581] Disrespect.

[2582] I'll tell you what, if Amy Winehouse was a man, he wouldn't have done that.

[2583] Oh.

[2584] You think he's a homework towards man?

[2585] Yes.

[2586] You got hatred.

[2587] All right, here we go.

[2588] If I did it, it's it.

[2589] Give me something good to end this with on a positive note, you fuck.

[2590] No, not this.

[2591] That's not positive.

[2592] That's gangster rap.

[2593] We're not ending our lives.

[2594] We got some Bob Marley in there.

[2595] We're just ending the podcast.

[2596] You got some Bob Marley in there?

[2597] Bob Marley sucks.

[2598] You don't.

[2599] What, what, what, what, what, what, what?

[2600] I stuck with Bob Miley sucks.

[2601] Enough is enough with him.

[2602] Could you be loved?

[2603] You can't say, could you be love, sir.

[2604] It was great, and then I overplayed it when, you know, as a kid.

[2605] To me, it's annoying.

[2606] Oh, you guys are gay as fuck, both of you.

[2607] I just finally woke up to it.

[2608] I loved it for so long.

[2609] I was like, I don't care anymore.

[2610] It had his run.

[2611] You really?

[2612] You just said that about Bob Marley.

[2613] Yep.

[2614] Ari Shafir has no sacred cows.

[2615] He has talked shit on Bill Hicks.

[2616] He's talked shit on Bob Marley now.

[2617] I'm just giving my opinion.

[2618] He does not give a fuck.

[2619] He steps in and he tells you.

[2620] 40 years those songs.

[2621] Could you be love still gets me, bro.

[2622] What is this?

[2623] Electric Field by M .G .M .T. This better not be gay, bro.

[2624] Oh, he's going to think it's gay.

[2625] I guarantee you're going to think it's gay.

[2626] I don't know.

[2627] I like a song.

[2628] I like it, too.

[2629] Wait for it.

[2630] What is the band again?

[2631] MGMT.

[2632] MGMT.

[2633] The song is called?

[2634] Management.

[2635] management the song is called what oh and fade it sounds like prince fuck paul and oats they're the same ones that did this song want me to show you the next song or no i got sure no i don't don't want you to send me the next time I love this moment that people get into is trying to somehow indoctrinate people in their music somehow brag about your music like it's better or try to convince people that it's good but it's like you like what you like and you don't what you don't can't convince someone to like Was I doing that?

[2636] Let me show you this next song.

[2637] It's not a bad thing.

[2638] Everyone does it.

[2639] It's fine.

[2640] He knows the band.

[2641] He probably knows this song too.

[2642] He's heard of it.

[2643] Is there anything universal?

[2644] Is there anything that you have to like, if you have to like to be in the group?

[2645] Is there anything where you, you know, remember when you're in high school, like, if you didn't like Led Zeppelin?

[2646] Come on, man. Come on, dude.

[2647] How could you not like this?

[2648] It's like, I don't.

[2649] Like, just don't.

[2650] If you don't, you don't.

[2651] Isn't it?

[2652] Is there anything universal?

[2653] Is there anything you have to like?

[2654] You know that the guy has bad taste if he doesn't like it.

[2655] He doesn't like Almond brothers and shit like that He doesn't like to listen to that shit.

[2656] God, dude.

[2657] I don't really know there's stuff that much.

[2658] You don't know Almond Brothers?

[2659] I don't really get to play that much, no. If you told me, ask the name a song, I don't think I could.

[2660] You don't know Midnight Rider?

[2661] You never heard that song?

[2662] Go on a Midnight Rider.

[2663] No. On top of the hay, hey.

[2664] We have to have played that on this podcast before.

[2665] Have we played Midnight Rider before?

[2666] I don't know.

[2667] Find Midnight Rider by the Almond Brothers.

[2668] It's one of my all -time favorite Get Stoned and kicked back and listened to songs.

[2669] just because it's one of those songs that just it captured that period of time of music and there's these wild motherfuckers who just drinking and traveling the country smoking joints and doing heroin and going on stage and rocking stadiums and just crushing people with good fucking music man and Midnight Rider is just one of the best I don't know how that goes Midnight Rider is one of the ones where it's just it's just it's a perfect time capsule of that era let me hear that shit Brian give me some volume so if I don't recognize it this is a 19 fucking 70s dude sounds like it I know this song's good this song is a jam my barracuda I don't have any music in that car that's not from the 70s or the 60s just out of respect really yeah because that's that kind of car it's that kind of car it's a muscle car with a big V8 You smell the gasoline I want to hear some real American rock from when we were alive Before everything just turned to shit When people were wild And taking acid, mushrooms And having fucking love rallies And the Allman brothers were rocking it back then No internet Fuck you Sounds so much worse this sounds so much worse no what you just described the internet I like the song though this song is brilliant we're playing it over the internet yeah it's beautiful it's survived into the internet but I'm saying these guys got huge just just by people talking about how great it was getting on the radio people going to see them live it's a different world man it's a pure world man no TMZ they could get they freak on Imagine the amount of cocaine and hotel rooms this guy's destroyed.

[2670] I'm being informed that iTunes gets pissed if you play the whole songs.

[2671] Yeah.

[2672] Is that true?

[2673] Why wouldn't they?

[2674] They sell the songs.

[2675] Because it's terrible grainy quality.

[2676] No, it's not.

[2677] Ladies and gentlemen.

[2678] Listen, no good way to end this now.

[2679] I'm going to say the Allen Brothers are the shit, especially a few of their songs.

[2680] Kill that music, Brian.

[2681] Thank you, Ari Shafir, for coming here.

[2682] Being a part of the podcast.

[2683] Nice to do a new room, man. Thank you.

[2684] You like how it's got it set up here?

[2685] All right, we'll be back.

[2686] If you are in San Diego this weekend, Ari is at the La Jolla Comedy Store, and where's that at?

[2687] In 916 Pearl Street.

[2688] 916 Pearl Street in La Jolla.

[2689] One of the best clubs in Southern California, just an awesome setup.

[2690] Very similar to the original room in Hollywood at the Comedy Store, which is one of the best rooms ever of all time.

[2691] So this room is just like that.

[2692] La Jolla Comedy Store is the shit.

[2693] And who are you there with?

[2694] Renazizi.

[2695] Steve Renazizi, who's an awesome.

[2696] also hilarious and a comedy store veteran.

[2697] And he's been on a gang of shows.

[2698] He's from the league right now, the league on effects.

[2699] Yeah, great guy too.

[2700] So go down there and check them out.

[2701] Two shows Friday, two shows Saturday?

[2702] Fuck, fuck, yeah, yeah.

[2703] And can they get tickets online anywhere?

[2704] Yeah, probably comedy store .com.

[2705] That's probably the best place to do it.

[2706] What about mail?

[2707] Regular mail.

[2708] You could send it to 916 Pearl Street, 8 to 5.

[2709] Where are you going?

[2710] You're going to.

[2711] Cepal Shepalves.

[2712] Cursive.

[2713] We're going to Texas.

[2714] We're going to do Cap City Comedy Club on Tuesday night.

[2715] And then the UFC is in Austin on Wednesday night.

[2716] Good Times, a common son.

[2717] Brian Reichel, you can get him Red Band at Twitter.

[2718] And thank you very much for tuning in again.

[2719] This time, no false advertising.

[2720] We are leaving.

[2721] The show is over.

[2722] Thanks, bye.

[2723] Flashlight.

[2724] Flashlight .com.