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[0] This is exactly right.
[1] Hey, this is exciting.
[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[5] Who killed Saz?
[6] And were they really after Charles?
[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[8] This season, murder hits close to home.
[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[14] Only Martyrs in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[15] Goodbye.
[16] Hello.
[17] Don't laugh at me. Our heads both tilt to the side when we're.
[18] we try to introduce these fucking podcasts.
[19] My ears on my shoulder.
[20] Here's our introductory voices that are unnatural.
[21] And this one's part of my favorite murder minisode.
[22] And do you know what that means everybody?
[23] Well, we'll tell you it means that this is the episode where we read to you, all of your hometown murders, your different stories, there's really a barrage of topics that you can send into us that we'll accept.
[24] Finding money, ghost stories, alien stories, sinkholes.
[25] Your grandparents did some crazy shit.
[26] Stuff in walls.
[27] You found things.
[28] and they were crazy.
[29] Just whatever.
[30] Hometown murders.
[31] We like those still.
[32] We don't mind urban legends if they're entertaining enough to read.
[33] So shall we begin?
[34] Yeah, you go ahead.
[35] Do you want me to begin?
[36] What's my last one?
[37] Why don't?
[38] Do you have a good last one?
[39] Yes.
[40] Okay.
[41] I'll start.
[42] Okay.
[43] Right, one, two, three, four.
[44] This was called Meanwhile in Riverside.
[45] Oh, shit, y 'all.
[46] Here we go.
[47] Hi, Georgia, Karen, Stephen, and animals.
[48] Long -time listener, first -time writer.
[49] I am an East Coast transplant living in Riverside, California, studying toxicology at the University of California.
[50] Ooh, poison.
[51] Very cool.
[52] Riverside.
[53] I didn't see that last word.
[54] University of California, Riverside.
[55] Because apparently colleges are named based on the city they're in.
[56] Who fucking knew?
[57] We don't fucking know.
[58] College graduates know that.
[59] Deans.
[60] Yeah.
[61] They know.
[62] Talking deans.
[63] I started listening to your podcast shortly after Eunice SoCal and it helped me adapt to the West Coast.
[64] Thank you.
[65] Del Taco That's all I give you One of my favorite episodes is Never a Mannequin in which Karen details the Riverside serial killer that targeted sex workers in the late 80s Since that time, Riverside has seemed to become less crime -ridden until lately Starting in March, we have had a serial masturbator on campus You see...
[66] You know what?
[67] Bad news.
[68] I think you've got a bunch of those on campus.
[69] Oh, no. It's a college campus.
[70] I bet it's pretty serial for every student there.
[71] Oh, no. You know, it's stressful.
[72] I get it.
[73] Well, UCR being a commuter school, so I guess there's no dorm rooms to actually do it in.
[74] Well, I think it's just me. There are dorms because my school was a commuter school.
[75] Oh, really?
[76] It just means that it's massively huge and a lot of people don't stay there.
[77] Got it.
[78] UCR being a commuter school is a campus surrounded by parking lots.
[79] We received campus -wide emails about crime on and near campus, and we kept getting emails entitled, lewd act occurred on campus.
[80] There have been at least five episodes where a woman will be walking alone in a parking lot.
[81] She's approached by a man driving a car.
[82] Sometimes he asks for directions and the woman will notice he is jerking it.
[83] All the accounts say it is a white 20 -something man, though the car description changes email to email.
[84] The man will then drive away once the woman reacts or runs away.
[85] Thank God there have been no abductions.
[86] There is an elevated police presence on campus, but we keep getting.
[87] getting emails.
[88] Well, it's super creepy to have a serial jerker on campus.
[89] I sort of want to be the one to catch the guy and get his license plate.
[90] Hell yes, you do.
[91] He seems to be escalating because there were two incidences on March 10th, about 20 minutes apart from each other and one yesterday on 416.
[92] Fuck.
[93] They occur at different times with the first couple occurring at night, but yesterday the masturbator struck at 1 .30 p .m. He's getting bold.
[94] Yes.
[95] Maybe it's for the best.
[96] Neither of you have spent a lot of time in Riverside.
[97] I'm conflicted because these instances give me and my female peers excitement to theorize if he is someone we know, but I'm now nervous to walk through the parking lot after my late classes.
[98] I will continue to stay sexy, walk with my camera ready to get the license plate, and try to catch a serial joker.
[99] Much love and thank you for all you do, Cam.
[100] Okay, can I just say this to Cam?
[101] Yeah.
[102] Just off the dome.
[103] Do not walk in that fucking parking lot after.
[104] late classes by yourself.
[105] Other people leave that class, walk to one person's car, drive to the other person's car.
[106] Because it is escalating.
[107] And as we know, as we've heard all these fucking stories, it progresses to other things.
[108] Well, they get more and more confident because they keep not getting caught.
[109] So they say, hey, I did this three times at night.
[110] I could do it during the day now and I'm not getting caught.
[111] And now the next thing is, I want to touch her.
[112] It's not enough for her to see me jerking off.
[113] now there needs to be actual contact.
[114] That's how all these fucking stories go.
[115] I love, though, it's, it's so different.
[116] Oh, was I write up on it?
[117] It's so different now because imagine in the 80s, if there was a serial jerker driving around, no cops would ever come and they'd all laugh.
[118] Yeah.
[119] And now there's a heightened police presence because they know not to mess around.
[120] God damn it, the buddy system.
[121] You're in college.
[122] Kindergarteners know this.
[123] Buddy system, don't mess around.
[124] Now I'm mad at Cam.
[125] ready cam stick to toxicology cam god damn you okay the subject line of this is knife fight and hero grandfathers at a wedding in india oh grandfather stuff love it dear ladies step i love it my name is bargov i love your work and i've gone back and listened to all your episodes i was also at your dallas show and i loved every second of it anyway here's my attempt to add the first story from india to your minisans oh my god that's exciting um cue the bollywood music dance number love it when i was in sixth grade in the early 90s we went to an outdoor wedding in the city of sarah india as the wedding had wound down and most people had left few of us are staying back to help clean up and gossip i fucking love that so much It happens everywhere.
[126] We're all culturally the same.
[127] That's how we connect.
[128] It was we hate a third person.
[129] I was helping in a chair.
[130] Oh, sorry.
[131] I was sitting in a chair.
[132] Helping in a chair.
[133] I was helping my ass sit in a chair with my sister, cousins, and grandparents as my mother was helping others wind up.
[134] Just then two men ran into the wedding area, one chasing the other, and carrying a huge knife.
[135] Oh, my God.
[136] When we saw that they were coming directly towards where we were sitting, we all scattered.
[137] I started running to the stage as I figured the higher place would be safer without realizing that they were running right at me. Perfect.
[138] All of a sudden, the guy being chased ran into me very hard.
[139] Oh no. We both fell and he had me on top to shield him from his attacker.
[140] What a dick.
[141] A sixth grader.
[142] He grabbed a sixth grader.
[143] That's right.
[144] A child.
[145] Sixth graders are not shields.
[146] No, they're baby 12 year olds.
[147] This is when I got a clear look at the knife.
[148] This is the last thing I actually remember until I woke up with my mom sitting next to me in tears and a crowd around us.
[149] I do remember seeing blood spatter on my shoes.
[150] My mom and other witnesses filled me in later.
[151] After we fell on the ground, my paternal grandfather's brother, that would be your paternal great -uncle, got in front.
[152] He's in his 60s.
[153] He got in front of the attacker to stop him.
[154] Oh, my God.
[155] He still charged ahead, took a swing, and cut, and cut the guy under me in his arm.
[156] So that's what the blood was.
[157] Got it.
[158] This is when my paternal grandfather, also in his 60s, grabbed the attacker from behind and swung him around.
[159] The attacker then ran away and others chased the other guy out too.
[160] Now, the murder part.
[161] Next day, a story with pictures is reported in the newspaper with a guy stabbed to death.
[162] And my family immediately recognized him as the guy that was being chased.
[163] Fuck.
[164] So apparently, the attacker waited after running away from the wedding venue when the other guy came out.
[165] He stabbed the guy to death in front of many witnesses.
[166] What the fuck.
[167] Anyway, SSDGM and keep doing what you do.
[168] Thank you for your time.
[169] Bargolf.
[170] Bargoff.
[171] I wanted more info.
[172] What were they stabbing about?
[173] I bet it was over a woman.
[174] Or money.
[175] And that's why they ended up in a wedding.
[176] Yeah.
[177] It was all that whole thing.
[178] of love right that's it okay uh i have a grandfather one too oh but i'm not going to tell you the name of it okay okay it's about finding something out about grandfather then i don't want to tell you what i'm going to hear it eventually i know you are by you shit oh man who told you all right hello everyone my great grandpa died when i was a kid and we found out all this crazy shit like 10 years later about his time in the dutch military oh Wait, we're coming to Amsterdam.
[179] Don't be afraid to buy those tickets.
[180] Here we go.
[181] This will make you want to, this might actually not.
[182] You might hate us.
[183] Oh, this might change it?
[184] Well, okay.
[185] No, it's fine.
[186] People love controversy.
[187] He and my great grandmother, yes, he and my great grandmother grew up in Holland and left just after World War II.
[188] My great grandmother used to tell us stories about working as a liberator with the Dutch military to release people from concentration camps and how he was captured and put into Auschwitz for it.
[189] Fuck.
[190] My great grandmother even gave speeches about her husband's triumphs after he died.
[191] We were all crazy proud to have someone who had done that work in our family.
[192] Sidebar, my great -grandpa always kind of skeeved me out, but I always attributed it to being seven and him being old, and old people make me nervous anyway.
[193] Fast forward to 2013, the Dutch government releases a list of, all caps, Dutch Nazi collaborators.
[194] No. And my fucking great -grandpa was on the list.
[195] Before this, it was assumed that there were no Dutch citizens who worked for the Nazis.
[196] Alas, nope.
[197] Turns out everything he and my great -grandma had told us was bullshit.
[198] Oh, no. This rat bastard had signed up for the SS, not once, but fucking twice.
[199] No. Turns out he was a mechanic for the Nazis.
[200] He managed to avoid repercussions for it by moving to Canada and lied about it for the rest of his life.
[201] Then we found out my great -grandma knew everything and lied about it until the day she died.
[202] My dad even went to Holland to check the archive records to make sure it was true.
[203] There's a whole document with his official signature and everything.
[204] Turns out great -grandpa was a total dick.
[205] Also, when my great -grandma died, we found her original copy of Mind Kampf.
[206] Oh, girl.
[207] Shit had gold pages, gold -fucking pages.
[208] Barf.
[209] That's what this person wrote.
[210] Thanks for always making awesome episodes.
[211] They make my days as a substitute teacher so much better.
[212] Don't worry.
[213] I only listen to them when the kids aren't in the room.
[214] I've gotten my mom and one of my siblings into MFM now.
[215] Sue and my dad hates when we talk about our, quote, murder shows.
[216] Stay sexy and don't collaborate with Nazis, Maddie.
[217] Yes.
[218] That's so disappointing.
[219] Hey, here's my, here's, I have an argument as a Jew.
[220] Okay.
[221] I wonder some, I know that a lot you had to, it's like they were going to kill your whole family.
[222] Yes.
[223] You know, unless you were like, yeah, I'll be a mechanic, but I don't believe.
[224] And I'll sign up for the SS twice.
[225] I have a harder time.
[226] Especially and you didn't have to.
[227] Never mind.
[228] I think, well, but I, that logic holds up for people in Germany because it did take over the entire German country.
[229] But if nobody else is collaborating except for this one asshole, I think we can call him an asshole.
[230] Because all of Holland is like, yeah, no, we fought.
[231] They're like, no, no, no, no. You don't have to, you don't have to.
[232] Yeah.
[233] Okay.
[234] He's a dick.
[235] That's, but God damn.
[236] Like what?
[237] Yeah.
[238] It's good to keep.
[239] A gold original thudgy.
[240] fucking mind conf copy can't argue with the fucking shitty Nazi propaganda you cannot see well there's the light in her eyes um okay well this kind of relate this goes along with okay and the subject line is finally something to email you about hey karen georgia stephen and pets so period i am listening to your podcast pretty much from the other side of the world ooh thinking about how it is a bit of a bummer that I would never have anything to add when out of the blue in Minnesota 66 someone mentioned cocaine bathtubs.
[241] Oh my God.
[242] I know something about these.
[243] Hopefully the people passing in their cars didn't think I was having a fit or something given the random excited arm gesture.
[244] Okay, so my mother -in -law is awesome, but at times can be a little naive.
[245] A while ago, when she was in her 50s, she traveled around Europe and while staying in Venice, I want to go to Venice so bad.
[246] Let's go.
[247] I just had a wave that made me, I don't know, I wanted to start crying.
[248] I just saw this wave wash over you of like.
[249] Will I ever go to Venice?
[250] Yes, the summer.
[251] Okay.
[252] I would like to go.
[253] I love that you're like, yes, we'll go.
[254] Like, the most romantic city in the world.
[255] Because if you even want to go with me after going to Europe and then we're going to.
[256] I would love to go to Venice with you and your husband.
[257] Hey, Vince and I are there.
[258] We're there.
[259] We're there.
[260] We're there.
[261] We're all.
[262] You know.
[263] I love that you're going to make it happen for me. Let's meet under the bridge.
[264] of size.
[265] Okay.
[266] Okay.
[267] Well, staying in Venice, she got a job at a wee florist shop.
[268] Where are you from?
[269] A wee florist shop that seemed to get most of his business from ornate vases.
[270] Oh.
[271] Apparently, it was the best job ever, and the super friendly businessman owners would buy her coffees and treat her lunch and meals out of the flashiest restaurants.
[272] Amazing.
[273] Sign me up.
[274] Right?
[275] This is the job I always wanted in my 20s where I'm like, there's people that paid a ton of money to do like like to eat lunch and stuff i just know it like i had all these theories in my head right people with great jobs look at us now right this isn't work is it come on um her job was simple greet the customers and once they had emerged from out of the back she would wrap their chosen vases ready for shipping all these men loved vases well why would you i'm naive like that too i feel like it's the thing where if somebody actually buys a storefront and sets up a fake store, it's real easy to be like, who would go to all this trouble?
[276] But I'd also be like, okay, well, maybe it's shady because these vases are like imported and illegally.
[277] Right.
[278] But I wouldn't be like, cocaine vases.
[279] It wouldn't be the first thing that popped in the line.
[280] Then one day, she turned up for work and the shop was shut with Italian police swarming everywhere.
[281] Turns out the vases had a little something extra special in them and the florist business was just a front, for the Italian Mafia's cocaine trade.
[282] Fuck girl.
[283] In Venice, no less.
[284] You could do tons of Coke and then just like take a gondla.
[285] Look at sights and shit.
[286] Just stare at things.
[287] What then I couldn't eat all the pasta?
[288] No, you could.
[289] Well, it's that good.
[290] Okay.
[291] You could be blazing on Coke and you'll still eat it.
[292] I just want carbs.
[293] Yeah, that's all you can eat there.
[294] That's why I can't do drugs like that.
[295] I just want to eat.
[296] Yeah.
[297] You get to Italy and then you're given like a subway punch card.
[298] I also don't want to do Coke.
[299] I just remember that.
[300] Yeah, that's another part of it.
[301] But it's less than.
[302] Because when you get your punch card, that's all the times you have to eat spaghetti and gelato in, like, one sitting.
[303] Okay, good, great.
[304] Minimum 12.
[305] I like that you so weren't into this bit that you were like, I want to bail halfway through.
[306] I don't care about your subway punch card concept.
[307] She was never arrested.
[308] Oh, that's good news.
[309] And anything but, or anything, but to this day, whenever she travels, she gets the full customs treatment.
[310] We are pretty sure she's on some interpol list.
[311] Oh, shit.
[312] I love it.
[313] Stay sexy and don't go to work for the Italian mafia.
[314] That's amazing.
[315] Amazing, Anita.
[316] Please high -five your mom for us.
[317] Seriously.
[318] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.
[319] Absolutely.
[320] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash?
[321] Exactly.
[322] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.
[323] But did you know that they also power.
[324] in -person sales?
[325] That's right.
[326] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere, online, in store, on social media, and beyond.
[327] Give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[328] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in person.
[329] So give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[330] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.
[331] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales, and if you're a business owner, you can too.
[332] Connect with customers in line and online.
[333] Do retail right with Shopify.
[334] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.
[335] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.
[336] Go to shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.
[337] That's Shopify .com slash murder.
[338] Goodbye.
[339] Hey, this is exciting.
[340] An all new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[341] Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[342] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[343] Who killed Saz?
[344] And were they really after Charles?
[345] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[346] This season, murder hits close to home.
[347] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[348] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[349] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[350] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[351] Get ready for the stariest season yet.
[352] with Meryl Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Devine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[353] Only Martyrs in the Building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[354] Goodbye.
[355] I have a cocaine bathtub one.
[356] Get in here.
[357] All right, I'll go.
[358] Okay.
[359] Then you go last.
[360] Great.
[361] All right, cocaine bathtub.
[362] Hi, Karen, Georgia, and Stephen.
[363] Oh, doesn't care about the pets.
[364] I had to share, even though this has nothing to do with murder.
[365] The minisodes paused because I burst out laughing at the mention of a, quote, cocaine bathtub, which then prompted me to tell you this.
[366] When my mother was a young hippie babe in the 70s, she lived in a commune in Toronto filled with a whole lot of randoms, including draft dodgers.
[367] Wow.
[368] I love another, I love that mother and cocaine bathtubs are like the only.
[369] One of these draft dodgers was a dude named Ricky.
[370] Ricky was a sweet guy that liked to party.
[371] One evening, my mom's upstairs taking a bath and calls down to her boyfriend to come upstairs.
[372] Set up her boyfriend in walks Ricky with a mirror full of lines of Coke.
[373] Frankie, what's this a boot?
[374] Fast forward a couple decades.
[375] I'm now old enough to drink, sitting on the porch, a few bottles of wine in.
[376] My mom and aunt are telling me stories of which there are many.
[377] This cocaine bathtub story pops up.
[378] Mom finishes telling it, and my aunt jumps in and says, you're not even telling her the best part.
[379] Ricky was Rick James.
[380] All I can picture is Dave Chappelle dressed as Rick James.
[381] I'm Rick James, bitch, with a fucking miracle of cocaine and a woman in a bathtub.
[382] And then she wrote, yeah, so one of my mother's many claims to fame is that Rick James offered her cocaine while she was taking a bath.
[383] Really looking to your...
[384] Which is really nice, actually.
[385] Yeah, it is.
[386] she said he was really nice really looking forward to your Vancouver show in October maybe I'll get drunk enough that I'll have the courage to try to share my mother's almost getting murdered story you guys are the best SSGM Suzanne and then she says P .S. I still don't know if she did the Coke She won't tell you.
[387] You know she fucking come on.
[388] In the 70s you're lounging in a bathtub Rick fucking James walks in with a lovely mirror it's like hand -delivered coke on a mirror and you're in the smiling.
[389] Yeah you're like absolutely.
[390] And he looked down your mom and was like, God damn, this woman's built like a brick house.
[391] Boom.
[392] There's that there.
[393] And she's just letting it all hang out.
[394] And she, the way your slutty mom did in the bathtub.
[395] Just kidding.
[396] That was amazing.
[397] I've never laughed like that before.
[398] That was like an alarm.
[399] I wasn't sure.
[400] I'm glad I were doing a third because I wasn't sure.
[401] You know what it is?
[402] When we listen to each other tell these stories, or at least when I listen to you tell these stories, I'm just trying to guess what the thing is.
[403] I'm trying to guess what you're going to say.
[404] What's it going to be?
[405] Okay.
[406] Oh, yeah, I didn't tell you that.
[407] The story was called, my grandfather.
[408] We found out that grandpa's a Nazi.
[409] I didn't know what I'm going to tell you that.
[410] Yeah, you're just searching for like, what's the reveal.
[411] Right.
[412] But like a celebrity cocaine bathtub reveal is just not, not what I thought we were doing.
[413] Also, she took that cocaine and bathtub literally.
[414] She reinterpreted it.
[415] Which is like, do it.
[416] Please.
[417] Rick James, especially Rick James's, let's all have Rick James stories now.
[418] Definitely any, I ran into a Rick James.
[419] please God tell us that.
[420] A Rick James, the Rick James.
[421] Yeah.
[422] Or if your name was Rick James and growing up, people sang Brickhouse at you to the point where you wanted to stab your eyes out.
[423] I get it.
[424] Georgia on my mind.
[425] Have you ever heard that song?
[426] Yes, I've heard that song.
[427] Every drunk man in a fucking bar, old man, who's ever, I tell them that my name is.
[428] Have you ever heard this song?
[429] Immediately they kick into, yeah.
[430] Yeah, it's really charming.
[431] It is such a good song.
[432] I kind of love it.
[433] Yeah.
[434] That's fine.
[435] All right.
[436] I don't know why all of a sudden on this episode, I don't know how to be near a microphone anymore.
[437] I got super close to at the beginning.
[438] Then I was way back off of it.
[439] Steven's clearly in a panic, but he can't stop smiling.
[440] Okay, here's the last story.
[441] And the subject line is when I was in a cult, we lived in a former crack house with random hidden treasures.
[442] Oh my God.
[443] Read this to me slowly.
[444] And it just says salutation.
[445] I grew up really poor, primarily because my parents were part of a very restrictive, quote, religious organization, aka apocalyptic cult.
[446] Oh, honey.
[447] And while they didn't make us all live in a compound, they did dictate when my father could work, no Saturday work, and my mom was supposed to be the Stepford wife, no work at all.
[448] Fuck that.
[449] My dad was in construction and money was tight.
[450] This resulted in our family living in some pretty interesting houses, but by far, the former crack house was the best.
[451] My parents didn't announce that the house was a former crack house, but as I got older, I put two and two together.
[452] Not only was there tons of furniture and other belongings everywhere in that.
[453] the house when we moved in.
[454] It also had tons of children's stuff and polaroids of children labeled black male picture.
[455] What?
[456] Uh -huh.
[457] There's a child finding these pictures.
[458] What the fuck?
[459] I wanted to leave this next detail out, but my husband insists that it be told.
[460] Absolutely.
[461] Married the right man. Yes.
[462] Yes.
[463] And he and he's the right man for us.
[464] Yeah.
[465] That's what matters.
[466] That's what we meant.
[467] That's all that matters.
[468] In the hallway, someone had knocked a hole in the wall and that hole was full of used hypodermic needles uh -huh my dad patched it up and we went about our lives someday we're going to get out that's what we found in the wall story it's going to be hypodermic needles yep and it's going to we have then we'll have to come right back to this episode okay uh -uh -uh um it's kind of like the shaving razors in the wall but more disgusting yeah i've always wondered if anyone ever discovered them anyway that's what we were just talking about us too Us too.
[469] Samezies.
[470] Anyway, in the backyard, there was a shed that was filled with porn mags and strangely, beautiful antiques.
[471] What?
[472] I mean, which ones together?
[473] Who can say?
[474] I have two passions in this life.
[475] Filthy porn and old lamps.
[476] We were only renting this crack den, so my mom said we weren't supposed to throw anything away and that we couldn't go out there.
[477] But I thought it was hilarious to have all that porn and regularly cut it.
[478] in trouble for bringing friends over to partake in the fun.
[479] Fuck, yeah.
[480] Yeah, you got to look at that porn.
[481] Whoops.
[482] After a couple of years living there, we discovered that the strip of green shag carpet in my brother's closet came up to reveal an outline on the floor.
[483] We lifted it up and found a room dug out in the crawl space.
[484] We were too freaked out to explore down there anymore.
[485] so we threw a bunch of toys and stuff in it and never spoke of it again.
[486] I love they put stuff on top of it.
[487] I love this family.
[488] They're all about denial and sub -sublimating everything.
[489] Just cover things up.
[490] Cover it up.
[491] Cover things up.
[492] Patch it.
[493] Seal it.
[494] Someone else's problem in the future.
[495] Someone else's hometown in the future.
[496] Throw some drywall up over it, nail it on.
[497] Oh, my God.
[498] Okay.
[499] By accident one day, I do.
[500] discovered that the broken AC window unit in my room was filled with old newspapers and JFK half dollars.
[501] What?
[502] That's nuts.
[503] That's cool.
[504] Money in the air conditioning.
[505] See, because people on drugs, they get real nuts.
[506] And then they're like, I have to hide this.
[507] And they hide it.
[508] And then they don't remember where they put it or why.
[509] And they think someone stole it.
[510] And then they kill someone because they think they stole their shit.
[511] And then they realize they just hid it in the fucking AC unit.
[512] It's just in the AC unit.
[513] Oh, shit.
[514] I killed fucking whatever is it.
[515] My best friend.
[516] Okay, we lived there over five years, and every year we would find more and more stuff buried in the backyard.
[517] Dude.
[518] Fuck.
[519] Mostly kitchen items, like wooden spoons.
[520] What?
[521] I got to hide these wooden spoons.
[522] The government's coming for my spoons.
[523] But also the occasional antique China.
[524] I never made it into the attic, primarily because of rats, Jesus Christ, but also because I could see into it from the garage unit via giant holes in the ceiling and it did not look structurally sound.
[525] But I bet there was some cool stuff up there.
[526] Eventually my parents left the cult, we moved, but before we did, I made sure to hide stuff around the house before we left for some other kids to hopefully find.
[527] Oh no. In addition to the crack treasures, whenever I'm in town, I check to see if it's up for rent or sale in case there's a chance we do to do a walk through.
[528] Oh my God.
[529] Fun fact.
[530] When we moved into the next place, my sister oh my god this is full circle this is insane oh god oh god when we moved into the next place my sister promptly found a nazi coin in one of the closets sincerely yours ginger what it's all fucking happening we're all connected it's all crappening guys what an amazing slew how fun good picks good picks even now you know what kinds of stuff to send us can you do better than that Do better than that.
[531] Try to beat the fucking Italian cocaine -based stories.
[532] Try it and send it to my favorite murder at Gmail.
[533] And stay sexy.
[534] And don't get murdered.
[535] Bye.
[536] Elvis, you want a cookie?
[537] I think he said not right now.
[538] I'm full.