#52 - Steve Rannazzisi

[0] The Joe Rogan experience Let's do it Don't be nervous Hit it That song is so much better when you're high I love how it starts off Really dirty, gnarly guitar Fuck, that's a good song Blown out That's one of those songs When you smoke a joint And then you listen to it You really appreciate it That song just talks to you That was pretty sweet First time I ever heard it Yeah I've been thinking about that lately About music I've been listening to music Before I go on stage I didn't used to do that.

[1] But I've been doing that lately.

[2] And right after I started doing that, I watched this special, this thing with Cat Williams, where he's talking about he has like a whole playlist that he listens to right before he goes out.

[3] I'm here with Steve Renazizi, ladies is gentlemen.

[4] Old school, comedy store, veteran, road dog.

[5] My friend Steve Renazizi from back in the 90s, maybe, perhaps.

[6] When did I meet you?

[7] No, 2001, something, two?

[8] Yeah, because I moved here in 01, November.

[9] Shazam, son, old school.

[10] We got history.

[11] We do.

[12] Renazizi's a bad motherfucker.

[13] You can see him on the FX show, The League, in the second season, I believe.

[14] We're in our second season.

[15] Shazam, son.

[16] That's when things get ruling.

[17] I hope so.

[18] You got that syndication money coming in.

[19] Dog, I see DVD sales in your future.

[20] Fuck, yeah.

[21] I would love to.

[22] A lot of people like it, man. A lot of people on my message board were talking about it.

[23] I have not had a chance to see it, but I'm going to check it out now.

[24] It's a funny show.

[25] It's good.

[26] And I'm psyched to be able to, you know.

[27] What's it about?

[28] It's about five guys that grew up together and they play in this fantasy football league every year.

[29] But basically they just try to humiliate and cast shame upon each other.

[30] But it's the guys that do curbing enthusiasm.

[31] So there's no script.

[32] It's all just kind of like, here's what's happening, three dudes talking, go.

[33] Oh, that's awesome.

[34] So the first take sucks.

[35] You know, it's like a half hour.

[36] We're all talking on top of each other.

[37] Right, right.

[38] It's fucking unusable.

[39] And then we got to go, oh, but what you said was funny there.

[40] And then we just tighten it up.

[41] Wow.

[42] It's fun.

[43] It's like that, that's the new shit.

[44] That's what everybody's trying to do or that's the best way to do it, right?

[45] Because it's like, you're funny, I'm funny.

[46] I understand what you wrote down word for word.

[47] It's probably funny because that guy's somewhere along the line was funny, but we're going to come up with funnier shit.

[48] So just give me the situation and we'll fucking talk about it.

[49] You know, sometimes it's both, right?

[50] Sometimes it's just the ad -libbing and sometimes it's the writing.

[51] It's nice to have both.

[52] You know, when we did news radio, they let us ad -lib a lot.

[53] They did.

[54] But that's good.

[55] So they gave you like a, like, you.

[56] Here's what we think, where we want you to go.

[57] But if you also think of something funnier, say it.

[58] Yeah, but the way that Kirby enthusiasm does it and the way, I guess you guys are doing it too, that way is, I think, the best way to watch.

[59] Because when you watch it, it seems like it's really happening.

[60] Yeah, because, and it's so, I mean, we're on an FX and they, you know, we don't have the biggest budget in the world.

[61] So it's like literally dudes with cameras on their shoulder.

[62] So they don't, they just, they're so good that they move with us.

[63] So if you're talking and then they'll just move the camera to me, and it's really fun to work.

[64] I mean, we do long days and shit.

[65] What kind of restrictions do you have, like language -wise?

[66] Literally on cable, you can say whatever the fuck you want.

[67] It's just what are people going to be willing to give advertising money to?

[68] So we get away with dicks and fucks.

[69] You'll never be on the, like what they do is they put it on your back.

[70] So I'll say fuck, but the camera will be behind me. Oh, that's interesting.

[71] So they don't really go, oh, who said that?

[72] You don't actually see the mouth moving.

[73] I guess that's the fucking line.

[74] America, like, wait, I think I heard something because I didn't see it, I don't even know if it happened.

[75] How silly is that, that's literally the rule.

[76] Isn't that incredible?

[77] And then Coke will be like, no, we'll put money now.

[78] We'll give you money.

[79] Dude, it's 2010, and that's still going on.

[80] Dude, Mike and Molly, which I'm sure I don't know, but it's like about fat people.

[81] And they just, it's a new show.

[82] That's the Bill Gardell show, right?

[83] It's a new half hour.

[84] It's a new half hour sitcom.

[85] It's literally the whole premise, I think, is like fat people like each other too.

[86] And it's like the number one new show.

[87] Like it's people fucking love it.

[88] Well, Billy Gardell is a very funny comic.

[89] I'm sure.

[90] He's sure he is.

[91] You never, ever seen him do stand -up?

[92] No, I've never seen him do stand -it, but I work with, on Samantha Who, with Melissa McCarthy, the girl that plays, I guess, his girlfriend, and she's super funny too.

[93] But I think that's the whole thing.

[94] It's just, like, fat.

[95] You just want to see someone like them.

[96] That's it.

[97] There's a lot of fat people in this country, man. You don't realize until you leave and you go somewhere else.

[98] Dude, look at Charlie Sheen.

[99] Look at Charlie Sheen.

[100] Like, literally, they, how do you do the shit he does?

[101] Which is fucking great.

[102] I'm let him do whatever he wants to do.

[103] But then the guy...

[104] For people who don't know, while we're talking.

[105] and Charlie Sheen just got busted again with another hooker before he was wearing masks and shit he's so addicted to hookers he's got to wear like mustache and shit his ex -wife and his kids were in like two rooms down like he brought them to New York for the first time they were out of seeing Mary Poppins the night before and then he's just staying in another room and just getting hookers he took them all to dinner like with the hooker beforehand it's like a gorgeous restaurant he just can't like how do you not like one night You're like, look, my kids are down the hallway.

[106] Let's just get through this one night.

[107] The Charlie Sheen life story movie is going to be awesome.

[108] I hope Robert Downey Jr. plays Charlie Sheen.

[109] He's the only one that could pull it off.

[110] He's got both sides.

[111] He's got the good actor.

[112] I'm sober.

[113] I can get my shit together.

[114] But plus, I know what this fucking guy went through.

[115] They're both nuts.

[116] But he asked for a raise, dude, and he got it.

[117] Oh, my God.

[118] That's the craziest shit in the world.

[119] I'd be like, I just fucking got busted again.

[120] But now I want 1 .5 million an episode.

[121] God damn.

[122] that's a lot of money dude that's insanity that's what do they do 25 a year at least right maybe more 22 25 maybe more big big hit show sometimes they do more at fear factors peak we were doing 34 a year oh my god yeah yeah sitcoms get like that too if it's a big sitcom they just pump more out because america wants it yeah like the dark days of news radio we knew that we were in trouble when we were getting like 19 18 yeah you know you know they would start cutting the order a little bit yeah if you don't if you're not getting as many if you if they go if you're have like 32 and then give you an order for like 25 or something like that you know you're fucked yeah you're like fucking start updating the wheel begun what's up Brian what are you doing a fleshlight oh yeah that's right we're our sponsor we're sponsored by the fleshlight oh really you ever fucked one of these things no dude but bobby lee bought one this one that's like it's amazing this one is no one is fuck so you can touch it really yeah put your finger in it just feel how uh life like it feels god dude is that crazy that's that's trademark oh here's another 2010 thing this is fucking controversial people have people have given me shit.

[123] People have given me shit about supporting this.

[124] Why?

[125] About having this.

[126] It's a too with a sponsor on the podcast.

[127] Something.

[128] Something scientific inside.

[129] This could prevent you from doing other things.

[130] What's the difference between this in your hand?

[131] I mean, besides, this feels fucking amazing.

[132] It's ridiculous.

[133] Except you're admitting.

[134] You're absolutely admitting that not only have you used it, are you going to use it, you're paying to use it.

[135] You know, it's like, dude, I would fuck this right now if you guys promise to turn your heads for fucking 10 minutes.

[136] I would fuck it right now.

[137] We got to loop it up first if you're going to do that.

[138] It's amazing.

[139] Yeah, dude, they're awesome.

[140] They're way better than be.

[141] beating off way better way better i can't wait sometimes i'm so lazy okay then i'm sitting in my office and that thing is over here on the couch or a one that i would use yeah and i just beat off instead because i'm too lazy to get out of my chair yeah just sit over there i've been in hotel rooms before where you know like you your computer's like gonna die so you go plug it in at the desk right and then i'm like fuck it i'll just beat off at the desk rather than go back over to the bed be like you know you're like you can't wait that extra three minutes to get enough juice to fucking go back over to the bed so I'm like I'll just fucking be and there's like a window right there beat off sessions in hotel rooms are so clinical like if it's over it's like yeah yep it's like there's no one there to see it there's no one there you hide it from I've done yeah I've surgical almost I've forgotten towels before you know the towel you bring in the little one and I've just rolled over on the fucking sheets I'm just like because this is not my I'm not cleaning this this is someone else's like a responsibility horrible horrible mess yeah I'm fond of the gator roll myself fuck it what do I give a shit I'm gonna sleep I wake up I take a shower when I give a fuck if they black light in a fucking hotel room it would glow in the dark they've done shows they did one of those inside editions I think it was one of those expose TV shows and they went into a hotel room it was just like someone got shot with a shotgun in every corner of the room did you hear like in the audio like dear god they were a little shocked especially the comfort was covered with shit and cum it was shit and come on the comforter.

[142] Because you've got to think, people are dirty, man. They take a shit.

[143] They don't wipe their ass that good, and they sit naked on the comforter.

[144] You know, then you drop a cookie on that comforter and you're eating it.

[145] When do you think they clean that comforter?

[146] Do they clean it once a week even?

[147] No. Shit, they're not cleaning it every night.

[148] That's her goddamn sure.

[149] It's expensive.

[150] Yeah, and that thing's gross.

[151] The thing is got other people's balls and assholes.

[152] No matter how nice in the place you stay at it.

[153] I throw my loads on the wall, remember?

[154] Yeah, he throws his loads on the wall when he goes to the hotel rooms.

[155] Yeah, just because I feel like, hey, I could throw my cum anywhere in this room and I have to clean it up.

[156] I've never heard that.

[157] No, dude.

[158] Oh, dude.

[159] That's so sad.

[160] You know, fun.

[161] Feel for that poor lady when she walks in that room, and she knows what that is in the wall.

[162] That's someone's mom.

[163] I think all women love come.

[164] Get the fuck out of here.

[165] Yeah, they all love it.

[166] Some old lady from Guatemala who walked here, okay, she is not happy to clean your cum off a wall.

[167] Wouldn't it be great, though, if you walk into a hotel room in time and there's a lady just licking the wall?

[168] Like Willie Wonka's fucking walking herself?

[169] She's not.

[170] Just finger blasting herself.

[171] It must have happened.

[172] Someone out there.

[173] If I just thought of it, someone's done it before.

[174] Someone must have fucked like a hot maid in a hotel.

[175] Favorman did.

[176] I know that for a fact.

[177] Did he really?

[178] He's got a classic story.

[179] I can't even do it justice.

[180] But he came in.

[181] Faberman is a savage.

[182] He was beating off and I think that she knocked and, you know, most people would go, no, I'm good.

[183] But he's like, come on in big.

[184] And she walked in and I guess she was into it.

[185] And she just sat there or fucked him or whatever.

[186] They got involved with each other.

[187] It was great.

[188] But like a filthy, filthy, like, low rent fucking hotel.

[189] that's taking a chance I mean you're talking about not knowing somebody before you fuck them trust me I mean just like boom eye contact let's do this oh yeah that girl's a whore not at all holy shit you don't pick favor of me to be your first person maybe you do maybe he had the right formula he maybe had the right amount of swagger the right amount of assholeishness in the moment you know right amount of confidence oh my favorman's a savage he really is he's a fun dude yeah I can't do this story of justice, so I won't tell the whole thing.

[190] But that's the gist of it.

[191] He fucked the fucking cleaning lady.

[192] Faberman is an odd comic.

[193] He's one of those odd guys, like an angry dude.

[194] You're like, man, you know, this guy doesn't seem to have that comic personality.

[195] You know, a lot of comics, like, see, like, probably have been bullied when they were younger.

[196] Faberman does not seem like guys were bullied.

[197] No, he's adopted.

[198] I think that's where it comes from.

[199] Yeah, his parents adopted him.

[200] So I think he's always kind of been like, I don't really know what's going on, but I'm just, I'm the fucking funny guy.

[201] I'm also cool He's a good dude He's fun to hang out with too He really is Did you ever see those videos where it's a guy That's filming himself Wacking off while maids Come into his hotel room Oh he has a setup He films himself Wacking off Yeah like he waits there So his dick is in perfect view of the bed And he puts a camcorder behind him And it's just a collection of videos Of women going oh And he's slamming the door And it's funny because you look at the style of each made it's completely different like one's completely scared one's like i've seen this a million times you know one's just like kinds of looks at it for a while like how many like a whole i think it's like 50 maybe holy shit yeah this guy just beaten off in front of the guy could go to jail for that you know that's like assault absolutely it'd be great if the same lady came in like at the end she's like what again really like he's like oh what are the chances fuck not you again they don't ever show his face it's great it's always like just dick in the front of the camera When if the guy had like a distinguishing mold on his wrist or something like that and you could tell that it was definitely him?

[202] Yeah.

[203] If that's true, man, that guy could go to jail.

[204] Of course.

[205] Totally.

[206] You can't be just beating off for people, man. That's illegal.

[207] I'm pretty sure.

[208] Isn't it funny that you could, someone could open the door and you could be rubbing your neck and no one has a problem with it?

[209] No. You could rub your nipples and even they would go, well, that's kind of weird, but he's allowed to do that.

[210] Yeah.

[211] But if you rub your dick, that's like a salt.

[212] Going to jail.

[213] Going to fucking jail.

[214] I got walked in on in Vancouver.

[215] I was in Vancouver, and I was naked in my hotel room, meeting breakfast.

[216] Uh -huh.

[217] Just sitting down, you know, and this fucking chick just knock, knock, opens the door right away.

[218] Really?

[219] No time for the...

[220] No time.

[221] I stood up.

[222] I go, I'm naked.

[223] And she just shut the door, slammed it, so he just runs out of there.

[224] But I was like, what the fuck, man?

[225] I'm like, right there.

[226] Bam.

[227] Fuck.

[228] You don't just knock and open the door.

[229] That's dushy.

[230] You don't even give someone a chance to respond.

[231] Then why knock?

[232] Just open the fucking door.

[233] Yeah, come on, hooker.

[234] It's 10 o 'clock in the morning.

[235] morning you don't know what's going on in here you can't just do that that's crazy no you know i know you're in a hurry to get home what the fuck yeah these rooms i mean there's always gonna be more to clean i'm gonna fuck it up again do you leave tips for me i do depends i have yeah i do no it depends on like there's there are sometimes i check in hotels i put that do not disturb sign on for days me too and then i'm like now i feel awful you know what i'm saying then you leave a big tip then i leave a fucking gigantic tip What's the most you've ever left?

[236] A hundred bucks.

[237] I've done it's horrible.

[238] It's been horrible, dude.

[239] Like trays of different foods that I don't bring outside.

[240] Like one of those week trips where you're like, I'm here from Wednesday to Monday.

[241] Right.

[242] This is going to get dirty.

[243] That's cool, though, too, isn't it?

[244] Isn't it kind of a cool feeling to leave 100 bucks for the maid when you know the maid's going to come in there and she's going to check?

[245] She's going to go, holy shit.

[246] Yeah, this is fucking cool.

[247] Can I tell you a quick story of me, you and him went to dinner one night at a fucking where the, the, what the, the, Place across the street from the Comedy Store, the standard diner.

[248] So we had dinner or whatever.

[249] That was the night we saw Rampage Jackson in a fur coat.

[250] Yeah, that's right.

[251] With three chicks.

[252] Yeah, with three chicks.

[253] He came walking out.

[254] I'm like, no shirt and a fur coat.

[255] And I didn't know who he was, but he knew you.

[256] He was like, hey, what's up?

[257] And he walks away.

[258] He had sunglasses on.

[259] Dude, it was like four in the morning.

[260] It's like out of a goddamn movie.

[261] You couldn't have, fucking, you couldn't have scripted.

[262] I put that on television.

[263] Did you really?

[264] Yeah, I put that on, I was doing the show inside the UFC.

[265] Uh -huh.

[266] And when I interviewed him, I said, I want everybody, this, I found this.

[267] at 3 o 'clock of the morning in Hollywood.

[268] Really?

[269] And he's got these two girls with him and he's got sunglasses on in a fur coat.

[270] I'm like, who the fuck is this, Pam?

[271] And I go, oh, Quentin!

[272] I thought he had to be like some rapper or something.

[273] No, wait, didn't he say, and correct me if I'm wrong, didn't he say, I had a baby last night?

[274] Didn't like one of his, one of the girls he was with had a baby the previous night?

[275] I swear I remember that.

[276] I don't remember that all?

[277] No, I don't.

[278] I think I asked Arir or something like that.

[279] No, I really don't think I did.

[280] That's a problem with older stories, man. My memory's not that good.

[281] You start adding shit into it from the other friends.

[282] You don't even realize you add shit into it, or you subtract shit that was embarrassing to you.

[283] You know, and then somebody else reminds you, and you go, oh, yeah.

[284] You know what I just remember that I have to talk about that I just remembered?

[285] My friend Johnny, I used to have a friend who was this crazy professional pool hustler, and he had a girlfriend who was a pool player, too, and most girls would play pool are nuts.

[286] 90 % of them.

[287] Yeah.

[288] And 90 % of all girls are nuts.

[289] 90 % of all guys are nuts, too.

[290] We're all crazy.

[291] Anyway, the girl used to, she used to fake seizures.

[292] like she wanted attention so bad she was so crazy do you have proof that she did this fucking for sure she faked it fake the seizure she would fake it she would like fake falling down oh my god yeah so that everybody would be like what's wrong what's wrong and so my friend john he knew that she was doing this so he'd look at me and go like this like he knew he goes oh because she had a seizure huh well i gotta let's see if i can wake her up see if i can wake her up and he starts smacking her in the face just a little too hard just a little little harder than you should be going come on honey i hope you're okay here oh i hope you okay with this fucking heavy new york accent and she's like flinching and pretending to be seizing honey come on you okay don't make me call i guess we got to call 911 so she she stays with this they call 911 the fucking paramedics come okay uh -huh paramedics come she's huddled up in a corner by the pool table and uh they look at her and they go this bitch isn't having a coma she's not having a seizure she's crazy what are you doing what's going on what's and she's like um what what and they go what what happened they're checking your eyes they're like she's fine nothing happened what's going on here um nothing i just i don't know what happened i think i had a seizure you didn't have a seizure oh i don't know and then what how do you start lying what you start they're outside they go they go they're so i follow them i go got to hear what these guys gonna say yeah they're fucking cunt is faking it they're friend of fuck i mean this while they're okay, they're EMT guys.

[293] They're there, they're ambulance guys.

[294] But as soon as they step out that pool, they're just dudes.

[295] I'm like, this fucking cunt is fake me. I can't believe this shit.

[296] What a crazy bitch.

[297] They get in the car and just drive off.

[298] That's the last thing I hear is the driver shaking his head going, what a fucking crazy bitch.

[299] Dude, how many guys get, just have to settle for that because you just, you have to get laid.

[300] So what are you going to do?

[301] You're going to have nothing?

[302] If you hold out too long.

[303] And this is all I can get.

[304] All I get is crazy girls, okay?

[305] My nose is too big.

[306] My feet are too small.

[307] on my, I got a stomach I can't get rid of This is like you get.

[308] Okay, I need something.

[309] This is best case scenario for me. Shit, this fucking crazy bitch is faking seizures.

[310] How do you, how do you smash your head on the ground and do you swallow, don't you swallow your tongue during a seizure?

[311] Well, some people do, yeah.

[312] It's very dangerous, you know.

[313] I've seen people seizure before.

[314] I saw a woman seizure on a plane once.

[315] That was the trippiest because it was post -9 -11 and no one knew how to handle it.

[316] Anything that happened on a plane.

[317] Yeah.

[318] And this lady was in the, in the plane.

[319] chair behind us.

[320] Like, I heard noise first.

[321] Like, I heard like, okay, okay, okay, what do we do here?

[322] What's going on?

[323] And so I take my headphones on and I turn around and while I'm turning around, this woman is just, oh.

[324] It's like she's going to turn into the exorcist.

[325] I'm watching her.

[326] I'm like, what if she becomes a werewolf right here?

[327] It's like, you're trapped out of plane with this fucking chicken or clothes or shredding.

[328] Some dude in the back going really crazy red eyes She just starts slaughtering the whole plane on a plane Yeah the only the only person she doesn't slaughter is the pilot because she can't get in She can't get past the door so the plane lands they open up the hatches from the outside It's just a werewolf and bodies everywhere blood just pours out of the plane He just he ate everybody on the plane dude where everyone starts blaming al Qaeda That's a good idea Samuel Jackson call him up yeah we'll get Marky Mark to produce it Brody Stevens will be the announcer on the news.

[329] Brody.

[330] Enjoy it never thought it would happen.

[331] It's on a plane.

[332] You don't get it.

[333] I'm real.

[334] Leather exterior.

[335] Cruise control in reverse.

[336] The people who are not in Southern California do not know the pleasure that is watching Brody Stevens do stand -up comedy.

[337] It really is a joy.

[338] He's fucking awesome.

[339] He's so unusual.

[340] and unique like his comedy style is so like if you saw it on paper you go what's so funny about this is not funny at all yeah but you see him and you can't stop repeating it he can say the same joke a hundred times in a row I still enjoy it every fucking cadence it's brilliant I find if I go on after him sometimes like I will like start to get a like you just kind of slide into that who are you looking at is like going to me you drew my voice will try judging me don't you dare judge me voice in the darkness yes yes yes i was a model in pakistan i did a lot of cover of camel beat i fought me iraqi war and sure i was an iraqi soldier but that's not the point it's so funny because he recently co -hosted the adam carola podcast and every single message on the thing was like this is the worst this guy sucks i hate this guy i'm turning it off and it's so amazing how the learning curve for brodie it's sharp because when i first met brodie i I was at the man show, and he would, like, open up the audience before the man show.

[341] And I remember being from Ohio, not living in California.

[342] And he was, like, a Nazi driver with clapping.

[343] Like, I felt like I had to clap so much.

[344] He's really good at it.

[345] And, like, me and my friends that were with us, like, I don't want to clap anymore, but he's yelling at us.

[346] You know, so my first impressions of Brody was like, this guy is so angry.

[347] Yeah, it takes a while to understand what Brody's really all about.

[348] It's great.

[349] I've been in, like, crazy situations with him.

[350] I've been, yeah, we've, like, because.

[351] you know he plays baseball so we were on the roof of the palms he was doing best damn sport show in Vegas and I happened to be getting in there so we're in the roof of the palms throwing with this pitcher and because he was had an elbow surgery so we're going back and forth Brody and I with this guy Denny Nagel and the guy throws me the I make him throw the ball and he goes like two feet to his right and Brody goes don't embarrass me throw it he's a major leaguer throw it to his chest and the guy's like it's okay it's not a big deal don't embarrass I brought you into the inner service circle here.

[352] Don't show me up.

[353] For him, that's very serious, too.

[354] He's a fucking serious pitcher.

[355] I think if you gave him the option to give it all up tomorrow, comedy, everything, and just you could be a minor league baseball player, he would pack it all in.

[356] Really?

[357] Yeah, I think he would have given it all up.

[358] How close was he to be able to play professionally?

[359] He went to Arizona State.

[360] He went on a scholarship.

[361] Like, he was very good.

[362] He was like a Division I baseball player.

[363] He's a pitcher, right?

[364] Pitcher, but then I think he had, like, elbow surgery, and then it just never really recovered after him.

[365] So that was probably like early, mid to early 90s, and they didn't have like the same kind of, they didn't have the good shit that they have now.

[366] Yeah, when they fixed you up back then, you were still jacked.

[367] Yeah, you were still like, I don't know, this might not work out.

[368] Yeah, like if they did ACLs back then, I have a friend who, uh, he was on the U .S. ski team and he had like some ungodly number of knee surgeries, like more than 11.

[369] I think he had like 16.

[370] I think there was 16 knee surgeries all told.

[371] He actually has metal parts in his knee now Where his calcium or his cartilage rather had rotted away Had been chewed up so much That they had to cover it with stainless steel So now it's stainless steel over stainless steel So it doesn't touch bone on bone anymore It touches steel on steel, yeah, it's incredible I think that's the roughest one on your knees The skiing Yeah, well back then he was in the ski team in the 80s And so the operations they did on your knees then were ungodly Both of his legs looked like he was a fish Like, they just opened them up.

[372] Jesus.

[373] You have ACLs, right?

[374] Both.

[375] Both replaced.

[376] But all modern style.

[377] Like, everything works great.

[378] It's no problem at all.

[379] Monkey ones?

[380] Did they give you a...

[381] No, they take monkey.

[382] Don't they do that now?

[383] They take cadavers.

[384] They can't take it from other animals.

[385] Oh, really?

[386] Yeah, they can't do anything from other animals.

[387] Didn't they transplant a pig heart, though, or they tried?

[388] Yeah, I thought they were doing that to valve, or is it a valve or something like that?

[389] Like a valve.

[390] Yeah.

[391] Pigs apparently are very similar, biologically, to people.

[392] But yeah, this one is with a piece of a dead guy.

[393] It's a cadaver.

[394] Oh, really?

[395] Yeah, basically the cadaver just, from what I understand, acts as scaffolding.

[396] And this cadaver, when it's put in place, all the other tissue grows around it.

[397] And then eventually that tissue forms its own ligament in place of it.

[398] Is that a donor thing?

[399] Yeah, it's a donor thing.

[400] So if you mark donor, they can take whatever they want.

[401] Yeah, yeah, they can take it.

[402] You could get it from it.

[403] It's good.

[404] Yeah, they take an Achilles tendon because it's a bigger, thicker tendon.

[405] And they rebuild it.

[406] It's actually better than the original knee.

[407] But like with pitchers and shit like that, when those guys blow their elbows out and blow their shoulders out.

[408] Fuck, man. That's such a horrible movement, that movement of throwing a ball really fast.

[409] Yeah.

[410] It really rips your shit apart.

[411] Yeah, it's horrible.

[412] Which is why it's incredible when you think about Nolan Ryan.

[413] The fact that old dude was pitching like till he was like fucking 40s on.

[414] And he probably, he was 90 % not on steroids or something like that.

[415] They didn't have like barbecue.

[416] Texas barbecue.

[417] That's what he was on.

[418] Yeah.

[419] This is a dude, David Wells, who's like 6 '5, 290 pounds.

[420] And he just threw till 42.

[421] He just had like a rubber arm.

[422] Big fat, lefty, never in shape.

[423] Through a perfect game.

[424] Never in shape.

[425] Like, that guy would not, he could be like a cop.

[426] Like, he'd be the cop on the subway.

[427] They just, like, post him up in the subway where it's like he doesn't have to run that much.

[428] Just fucking put him on the subway.

[429] Just make sure nobody smokes pot in this car particular.

[430] Don't have to go to other fucking cars.

[431] Just stay in this one.

[432] That's what this guy was.

[433] like that's hilarious yeah there's a lot of fat dudes like that to play baseball it's kind of funny when you just hop and think about it like that's one sport where he could just have a gut yeah you can literally have that golf just a fat gut there's a guy who fights in the ufc his name is roy nelson i saw the what was it the uh the show he was on he came in like second did he won he won the ultimate fighter he's got a tremendous gut an epic gut what's the but he used it right just mad internet problems are we on we on Uh, it's recording to iTunes, so don't worry about it, but, uh...

[434] What did you just disconnect?

[435] Ustream's going in and out, so...

[436] Is it really?

[437] Yeah, so...

[438] I've been trying to fix it the whole time.

[439] I tried everything on this end, so it must be internet and...

[440] Oh.

[441] But it's recording on iTunes right now, so don't worry about it.

[442] Yeah, but is it back on Ustream or is it off in?

[443] I'm checking right now.

[444] Hmm.

[445] It keeps on going, it keeps on disconnecting and going on and off, so...

[446] Is there anything running...

[447] Is there anything running on any of your computers that's, like, streaming stuff?

[448] No, no, no. nothing streaming man we have uh my my uh internet's up dude okay it's back on right now it's been going back on and off so okay yeah we got i got sorry ladies and gentlemen do you have to listen to this we got uh some problems with cable i think i think cable might suck cable internet how do you like that at t and t uverse you're using i i really do i mean it's it's a little touchy here and there once in a while like if you use the htm i cables and you have everything set up high techly right it uh it uh it fucks up a lot and like it's It's crazy.

[449] It fucks up how.

[450] Well, see, the thing that they're having right now, they're having a lot of sound issues with the Ustream.

[451] So, like, it's either like a couple seconds off.

[452] With Ustream.

[453] I'm sorry, not U -VIRS.

[454] U -VERS.

[455] It's like a couple seconds off, like the lip -syncing.

[456] A couple seconds.

[457] Yeah, there's problems like that.

[458] And they're fixed right now.

[459] It's, since they opened up or whatever, they've had the same problem.

[460] They're fixed right now is just to downgrade your audio to just like regular, you know, yellow white.

[461] What?

[462] And I'm like, all right, you have like this high, tech digital thing and cable has no problems like this you have this high tech thing but you want me to go audio left channel right channel really yeah they want you to sound grade your audio so that it syncs up that's their fixed to their audio issues using hdmi or optical oh well fuck that yeah you're fix i mean but i mean it's not every day like once a once a week or something like that you'll be like oh it's a second off all right i'm in bed i don't give a shit you know really yeah that drives me nuts, man. I can't watch interviews where they're talking and it's a second off.

[463] It literally makes me blow a fuse.

[464] I can't watch it.

[465] I can't focus on anything else.

[466] I'm like, how do I know that this is even what he's really saying?

[467] Dude, I've done that in porn.

[468] You ever do that in porn where you're on like XN, XX?

[469] And like the sound will be three seconds off.

[470] And I'm like, wait, she just mouth that.

[471] I know, like, I can't.

[472] I got to turn it off.

[473] Yeah.

[474] Turn off the volume now, right?

[475] I don't need volume.

[476] I don't need to hear what you say.

[477] I'm a, I need to hear.

[478] Do you?

[479] Yeah.

[480] I could probably if I could see just see and jerk off I would probably last longer than if I just heard and jerked off Really?

[481] Yeah.

[482] So you're one of those dudes who would call like a phone sex line?

[483] I don't know.

[484] No, I've never done it.

[485] I can't call a 900.

[486] I think I'm just probably just would never fucking ever do that.

[487] I probably would like with technology now.

[488] Maybe if I was, if this was like 75, I'd be like, yeah, I'm going to call one of those fucking numbers.

[489] I call them on those numbers when I was like, kid really yeah i was like 16 or 17 because i was still living at home and uh i called one of those numbers and uh i was beating off while i called and right whenever when she answered when she was like yes may i help you i'm like oh i just came all over myself wow i was like so nervous that i was doing this i felt so dirty and stupid and weird yeah you were just calling and i'm like how my how do how do you do this i don't even know what i do it costs money where does the money go to is it did you get bill to your house right i don't know oh my god i know just what a what a fucking creepy thing beating off on the phone calling somebody else yeah he's going to say nasty shit to you so you could beat off on the phone remember maryland martinez used to do that yeah which is hilarious maryland god bless her soul i know it was a very funny woman but uh it's the best way to put this um she's very uh very large yeah and uh she's a bigger woman yeah bigger woman you would you would you know hope that the woman on the other end did not look like yeah yeah you would you would say to yourself yeah just it was cliche almost yeah it wasn't what yeah what I was hearing and she was good at too she would tell you what she would say oh yeah sorts of dirty shit filthy dude with that Mexican accent with damn dirty shit like there's nothing that you can say or think that like tell her to say that she hasn't like wouldn't be like all right I'll say that that's no problem she's not gonna you're not gonna offend her yeah she was uh she was one of those old school comedy store veterans as well she was always at that place.

[490] What a fucking strange place that is.

[491] That's one of those places, man, where you get away from it for a few years like I've been, and then you just step back and look at it and you go, what a strange -ass fucking club that is.

[492] But you know what, though?

[493] I don't know how you feel, but I just feel like, no matter what, I probably wouldn't be who or where I am right now if it wasn't for that place.

[494] You would be.

[495] You'd be no matter where you went on stage.

[496] You think so?

[497] Yeah.

[498] I mean, sure, that place is interesting.

[499] Because I think that place kind of builds.

[500] a different muscle that a lot of other...

[501] I see other comics that don't have it.

[502] Well, it's not necessarily all good.

[503] A lot of it is like there's an anger to the type of comedy store comedy that's sometimes not necessary, but a lot of it's there because you're dealing with all these idiots in the audience, you know?

[504] There's no crowd control in that place.

[505] No. I've never worked at a major name club like that before that has no manager in the back who's quieting people and keeping everybody calm.

[506] There's nothing going on there.

[507] Yeah, the inmates run the asylum.

[508] Oh, my God, but they don't even anymore.

[509] It used to be that they did, but now they're like, try to actually manage it, and there's people who make decisions and tell the comics what to do, and now it gets bizarre.

[510] And now they're, you know, Ari's been told many times to clean up his act.

[511] Yeah.

[512] Yeah, and he can't go on after certain people or before certain people.

[513] Yeah, no, it's changed.

[514] I mean, I feel like, I still love the place and I go there.

[515] They treat me really well.

[516] I just, you know, there's a new generation there.

[517] I feel like I'm one of the older guys now.

[518] I've seen that happen.

[519] You know, when I first came there in 1994, it wasn't what I thought it was going to be.

[520] When I first came there, I'd heard about the comedy store.

[521] To me, it was like Mecca.

[522] It was like, that was like when I was in Boston, you would always hear about, you know, Richard Pryor performed at the Comedy Store in L .A. That was the place where everybody went.

[523] So for me, it was like, important to get a TV show and everything.

[524] I was like, wow, this is crazy.

[525] I'm on TV.

[526] But what was really important to me is like, wow, I'm a paid regular at the comedy store now.

[527] Yeah.

[528] And I get to go there all the time.

[529] This is like the club.

[530] But when I went there, I'd see, like, James Stevens, the third singing, and fucking, you know, I'd see, like, a bunch of shit that was, like, just really sub -bar.

[531] Horrible.

[532] Horrible.

[533] Comics that have just should have, you know, stopped a long time ago, and this is the only club that they still perform at.

[534] I work the cover booth there before you started doing the normal Saturday nights, and, dude, the lineup for 20 bucks was, like, LaMere, LaBoga, Anonchalani, Amy Ashton.

[535] And you were, like, and people would come up to me, like, an hour into the show.

[536] On Sunset Boulevard.

[537] People come up to me after that hour and be like, can I have my $20?

[538] Like, you've robbed me. Like, you give me my $20 back.

[539] And I couldn't look at him in the eye because I knew that it was horrific.

[540] Horrific.

[541] There's no other club like that in the whole city.

[542] In the whole country.

[543] If you went to catch in New York back in the day, you know, you went on a Friday night lineup, you know, in the heyday of comedy in New York, you'd see all these great guys.

[544] You'd see David Tell.

[545] You'd see all these guys coming up and doing sets.

[546] And the comedy store, especially like in the late 90s.

[547] it was dark man you know yeah it was dark there was some bad times you know there wasn't a lot of like good talent there and that's when um and cia started coming up and that's when edie griffin had already done an hbio special he's already pretty popular really popular amongst black people and this before he really completely went insane too he was like i never yeah that sucks i never because i heard from a lot of people that when that guy wanted to turn it on like there was a switch you never saw i never got to see that dude i've never seen him be like, good night, my name's Eddie Griffin, good night.

[548] Dude, it's always been just people walking out and in four, five, ten hour sets where you're like, fuck, dude, why did I never get that shit?

[549] What y 'all don't know, okay, is that there's gold at the bottom of the World Trade Center Towers and that the trains was running all night.

[550] Dude, me and Ari are in the back row one time.

[551] I swear to God, there's about four people in the audience, and he goes like this, he goes, you don't think the government was part of 9 -11, Pentagon, Penta, 9, 9, 9.

[552] 9 -11.

[553] Nobody says a fucking word.

[554] I turned to Ari.

[555] Are you going to raise your hand or am I?

[556] To tell this fucking guy that Penta means fucking five.

[557] What is wrong with this guy?

[558] Like nobody says it.

[559] And then he tagged it with my dick.

[560] And it was like, that was it.

[561] People going crazy.

[562] I was like, Ari, suck my dick.

[563] But I heard him fuck a chick one time in the main room bathroom, dude.

[564] He crushed this girl.

[565] That was like my only way of ever seeing him kill.

[566] Like, fucking he destroyed this fucking girl.

[567] What happened?

[568] Me, Ari and Freddie Soto listen to this dude Fuck this girl Oh fuck her Oh dude He fucked her She fucking was crying dude And he would be Oh bitch Just fucking Killing this girl's pussy For about I don't know 20 minutes And I'm like That's the closest I'll ever get to him Listen to him When I first started coming there He was He would have sets Every now and then He would have sets Where he'd come in And really just get it together And you you saw Like what the potential was He could have been Like an all -time grade It would have been, for real, all -time great.

[569] You ever see his HBO set?

[570] No. Woo!

[571] I don't know how it holds up today.

[572] I haven't watched it in a long time.

[573] But I remember watching it going, God damn, this fucking dude's got talent.

[574] Oh, really?

[575] He was powerful, man. He was like, he was doing, like, whatever it was, like 10 minutes or something like that, and just went out, oh, it might have been a half an hour.

[576] Might have been HBO half hour.

[577] I'm not sure what he did.

[578] But I remember the set.

[579] I remember him just destroying.

[580] Really?

[581] I remember almost being like, you know, like taking it back, like, wow, that's out there.

[582] This is different level of shit.

[583] this is another level yeah yeah he was man he could have been but he was like the shining star of that club back then it was fucking dark man those are dark days that was it was you know it was him and carlos and dice and it's just weird when you you realize what it's what you think it is when you're living in boston you're going to get there it's going to be this perfect place where it's all about the art and he's going to be all these incredible comics and everyone's going to grow and learn from each other and you get there and people are singing on stage stupid shit that they've been doing for like 20 years the same set and like wow this is so weird man because of strange loyalties that go way back fucking packs with you know if we all make it we'll all help each other out there's like i heard so many stories remember harris yeah told me the story about him and letterman oh you'd always say that's all he would ever say those guys said they were gonna come and get me those guys like literally like strange packs that's why like people you know like Argus is there all at 915, just like weird deals with what happened.

[584] Who is more bitter than Harris?

[585] I don't know anyone.

[586] No one.

[587] I'm sure.

[588] Never met anybody.

[589] Dude, I never met a guy that hated, like, hated everything.

[590] Like, he would be like, oh, how was Billy Crystal?

[591] One of the worst human beings I've ever met in my life.

[592] But I'll tell you what, that guy would give you a compliment.

[593] You know, I would throw people out of the comedy store whenever I throw people out.

[594] I would buy everyone in the crowd a shot.

[595] That's amazing.

[596] I would spend thousands of dollars Yeah, I remember that You'd be like All right It got weird in here We all realized it's weird Why don't we'd fucking Just chill out Everyone let's do a shot And then fucking we'll move on And we'll have fun Do this together In the spirit of friendship This doesn't have to happen I'm like this is only happening Because there's douchebags in the world It's not happening Because I want to be angry at somebody Like we should be having a good time here You know Even if we don't agree with each other We should be enjoying our company We should be having fun When someone's yelling at you and someone's heckling.

[597] Yeah, it throws it off for everything.

[598] It's just cunt shit.

[599] It's just you're an asshole, period.

[600] If you don't like something, if I'm at a show that I don't enjoy, I'll just leave.

[601] Get up and leave.

[602] Yeah, I mean, there's no problem with getting up and leaving.

[603] I totally understand it.

[604] But by coming in the door and paying money or whether you paid money or didn't pay money, you're basically saying, okay, I'm along with all these other people to watch what we're making an agreement.

[605] Yeah, and we're going to sit here and we're going to watch it, and either we're going to enjoy it or not enjoy it, but we'll do it as a group.

[606] And if you don't, if you want to separate your, from the group then fucking get out and leave without having to be like I'm going to speak for the rest of us by saying I don't like this it's like well then you are not speaking for all of us speak for yourself by getting up quietly and fucking leaving yeah I think that's I mean there's that I mean it's whatever it is it's always that the person wants to be the center of attention it's always that no one yells something out unless they're trying to get a bunch of people around them to laugh or they want to disrupt the show they want to do something that calls attention to themselves yeah undue attention So they're always disbalanced Where it came from the Harris -Pete story This is the connection Was that I Harris never said a good thing to me ever You know ever But I would buy the whole crowd Like a shot And he goes I'll tell you what I've been here For 30 years I've never saw anybody do that before Not prior not Kinnison It was a classy move And that's it But he didn't even look me in the eye When he said It was like so reluctant Okay fine You're a classy man general Just bitterness man No one he hated everything.

[607] At that place, man, you had to deal with so many douchebags.

[608] There were so many assholes in the audience.

[609] I know.

[610] People always say, like, oh, there's all these videos of you dealing with hecklers.

[611] Like, why are you so good at dealing with hecklers?

[612] Like, you have to be.

[613] If you want to work at the comedy store, you have to learn how to deal with hecklers.

[614] Because, first of all, you're dealing with a very specific kind of heckle.

[615] This is a big percentage of the heckles.

[616] Not all of them, but a good percentage of them are the failed actor heckle.

[617] Yeah.

[618] Yeah.

[619] There's a lot of dudes that really wanted to come out here and make a fucking splash.

[620] Didn't fucking happen.

[621] Dreams are dashed against the rocks and they're drunk and you're on stage.

[622] There's some real bitterness to that.

[623] That's a confrontational asshole heckle that you get at the comedy store where you don't get anywhere else.

[624] If you're, if Steve Run is easy from the league is fucking in Pittsburgh, they're going to go, holy shit, that guy, I love your show.

[625] You're here right now.

[626] In Hollywood, they look at you like, who's fucking couldn't be me. Yeah, exactly.

[627] This guy pulled the right number.

[628] Yeah, who the fuck are you?

[629] What are you?

[630] What are you got you lucky and you're special?

[631] It's the worst, dude.

[632] The worst.

[633] Switching cable, too.

[634] Switching cable.

[635] Are we disconnected from the internet again?

[636] It keeps on disconnect.

[637] But it was on for me, bro.

[638] Yeah, but it's been giving me errors and closing down Ustreams saying errors connecting the server and stuff like that.

[639] See, I keep on getting disconnected from the server.

[640] All right.

[641] Let's just stop playing with it.

[642] It is what it is.

[643] For the iTunes, it'll be perfect.

[644] Maybe it'll make us have more iTunes downloads.

[645] Okay.

[646] I get obsessed with my iTunes number.

[647] Do you really?

[648] No. Do you don't care?

[649] I do give a fuck a little bit.

[650] Are you enjoying?

[651] Because I've watched like 10, I was telling Brian, are you enjoying doing it?

[652] It's fun as fuck.

[653] It looks like you look at your head.

[654] Yeah.

[655] Yeah, we enjoy it.

[656] It's fun.

[657] It's, you know, it's so easy.

[658] You just set up smoke a joint and you talk about some shit.

[659] Yeah.

[660] I mean, come on, how many conversations in the back alley of the comedy store, that back parking lot?

[661] How many great, great conversations we get in back then?

[662] Unbelievable.

[663] If those were on tape, forget it.

[664] Be classics.

[665] Yeah.

[666] With some classic.

[667] time that's one of the reasons why I hired Brian in the first place to just to get all the stuff all that stuff like fun conversations would always take place I mean it's like when you get a chance to hang out with you know other comedians I mean how often do you get a chance to just hang out just having those kind of nights where shit would just kind of all happen around the same time and it would be like one thing leads into another then this thing happened it's fucking incredible that was one thing about that place it was like a magnet for freaks it was a magnet like a homing bean that they just shoot out like the Batman's Brian, the hooker came back and just told us her whole deal.

[668] She goes on Craigslist and puts on the pads and remember that whole thing?

[669] On camera, she's telling us the whole story.

[670] Remember that crazy girl that got mad at you for checking her phone to see what time it was?

[671] Oh yeah, yeah, we made a video of that too.

[672] Yeah, she got so angry.

[673] Somebody called me and I was talking to and I looked at my phone and all of a sudden she started freaking out at me because I looked at my phone.

[674] What?

[675] Yeah.

[676] I was like, I looked because I was rude.

[677] I'm like, I don't even know you.

[678] This could be my mom.

[679] Yeah.

[680] You know, like, what the fuck?

[681] The most important person in my life.

[682] That's the most important person in my life.

[683] The phone's always to you.

[684] I just met fucking four minutes ago.

[685] You're very nice, but this shit might be important.

[686] Can you imagine if during that time what you guys are talking about, like iPhone 4s were available, all the videos that people would have in their pocket back then?

[687] Yeah, I know.

[688] It's pretty crazy to think that that was just a few years ago, and the whole landscape is radically changed.

[689] It's been like what?

[690] Yeah, four years, and now you can literally videotape an hour and a half conversation in HD and Twitter it to hundreds of thousands of people in minutes.

[691] Yeah, what the, fuck that's the craziest thing ever and it's only the beginning it's going everywhere too like when i went to see d antwerd at kimmel everybody had their iPhone 4s h3s everyone recording hd quality video now front row and immediately uploading it to youtube it's totally changed yeah when i go on stage now i i'll see 20 30 phones up yeah i see it all the time can you imagine that shit like during led zeppelin's god you know or the doors even or that you know that would have been insane see some Jimmy Hendricks live.

[692] You know, Phil Hartman used to tell me his story about when Phil was a kid.

[693] When he first came to Hollywood, he was working as like an assistant, you know, at concerts.

[694] And I think it was at the Roxy.

[695] I think he said the Roxy.

[696] And Jimmy Hendricks was on stage.

[697] And he had to keep his hands on the speaker to keep it from getting knocked over into the crowd.

[698] So that was his job to stand there on the speaker, like, with his hands up like this, while Jimmy Hendricks was playing on stage four feet in front of him.

[699] He just got to watch.

[700] It's amazing.

[701] He's a huge, huge fan.

[702] So for him, he was like, he's just like standing in front of God.

[703] And Jimmy Hendon, it was...

[704] Fucking, that's crazy.

[705] Nobody was jamming like that.

[706] If he could have pulled out this time machine and just videotape this fucking thing.

[707] Fuck.

[708] That's what happens now.

[709] You want to talk about a guy who, like, literally, like, reinvented the way music sounded.

[710] Like, Jimmy Hendrix songs, like Voodoo Child.

[711] Who the fuck ever played guitar like that before?

[712] No. No one.

[713] I mean, it's so distinctively his.

[714] Like, the Star -Spangled banner, nobody can...

[715] Nobody does that like him.

[716] Even when they do it, it sounds like...

[717] It's contrived.

[718] Yeah, it sounds like you're trying to, like, sound cool with your guitar.

[719] You know what I mean?

[720] Like, he had a way of playing.

[721] It didn't sound like he was trying to be cool with his guitar.

[722] It was like, it was like raw energy coming out of his body.

[723] Like, he didn't know what was next.

[724] Yeah, exactly.

[725] Like, he didn't know what he was going to play the next line or whatever.

[726] Yeah, he wasn't trying to show you how badass he is with the guitar.

[727] He was letting all this badass shit flow through him.

[728] It was very genuine.

[729] You know, there's like a lot of guys that are, like, really good.

[730] Like, I know, people get, into them and they're like, boy, this guy can shred, you know, they play a Steve Vi CD like, duty fucking shreds.

[731] Nothing for me. It does nothing.

[732] I can't listen to it.

[733] It's like, I understand that it's technically, you know, he's really good at it.

[734] He's moving his fingers extremely fast.

[735] He's fucking badass with this guitar thing, but it doesn't do shit for me. Yeah.

[736] But you would listen to like voodoo child, you know, just the beginning, you know, the beginning, meow, it's something pure about it, man. You can tell when someone nails it.

[737] You can tell when someone really, hits that pure vein, you know, where it's like whatever the fuck is coming out of them.

[738] There's no pretense to it at all.

[739] You know, that's one of the things, you know, going back to the comic store that was great about that club was those late night sets where there was like fucking six people in the audience.

[740] Magic.

[741] Magic, man. How much crazy shit did we see Diaz?

[742] You remember Diaz taking off his shirt?

[743] I don't know if you were there for this night.

[744] It was in the main room.

[745] There was maybe five, six people in the audience and the comics, okay?

[746] Maybe not even five, maybe four.

[747] Okay, four people.

[748] I believe it was two couples and then and then comics uh -huh and joey goes on stage and has war pig playing ozi osborne he takes his fucking shirt off okay and he's what 350 375 375 pounds with his shirt off and belting out the lyrics in tune to war pig and everyone's going nuts people people are fucking arms up in the air comics are screaming yes yeah i mean he just he just nailed it you know it was just he was in the groove where he didn't give a fuck I know.

[749] He just purely didn't give a fuck.

[750] Those sets, and they could happen on a, on a, they were like, it was a fairly regular basis, like, one out of every three would be like, so you had to see all of them because you didn't want to miss that fucking 33 % where it was just like, dude, you fucking missed Diaz last night.

[751] How many times?

[752] He was doing the finger thing, but he only went like, the fucking little, and there was only like, they were quick.

[753] They were like 12 minutes.

[754] Like he power fucked you for 12 minutes because then after that it was like, I'm literally running out of fucking.

[755] like energy slash mental capacity to fucking keep this up all right good night Diaz would leave a void too when he would crush like that on stage he would leave a hole that the next guy that poor fuck no matter what he did he's not going to fill that hole when I first started watching you I was like I was because I saw Diaz before I saw you and then when I saw you I'm like this guy's going after Diaz what fucking balls and then you would do it on a regular basis and I was like that's how fucking you get really because how the fuck like what kind of enter it no matter what you say is not going to be a as filthy as what he just said in the way he said it.

[756] And when he fucking lit it up, you were like, this is fucking tough to fucking go on after.

[757] But that's the way to do it.

[758] That's why I take Joey on the road with me. He's coming in Austin, Texas next week.

[759] He does a half an hour and destroys, and then he brings me up.

[760] It's great.

[761] That's the way to do it, man. It's the way to do it.

[762] For two reasons.

[763] One, because it makes me laugh because nobody makes me laugh like him.

[764] He's so crazy.

[765] It's just, with this shit that he says is so ridiculous.

[766] He's so over the top.

[767] You talk about someone who really like, well, you were talking about Hendricks, has no idea what's coming out of his mouth next.

[768] Or how he's going to say it, or even what topic he's going to talk about.

[769] But you know it's going to be inside of him.

[770] It's coming from fucking his soul.

[771] Yeah, he's a savage.

[772] He's a real savage.

[773] I would talk about it on stage, but these are all true things that he doesn't know how old he is.

[774] Joey's, I watched him tape his CD the other day.

[775] He recorded a CD.

[776] Oh, really?

[777] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[778] He's going to do another one that didn't work out that good.

[779] But there was a lot of really funny shit on it, though.

[780] But one of the that was hilarious is his age.

[781] He's like, guys, I'm 40 years old.

[782] I'm 40 years old guys.

[783] And then like 20 minutes later, I'm 45 years old guys.

[784] He literally doesn't know how fucking old he is.

[785] I mean, it changes with the tide.

[786] If you ask him, how old you?

[787] I'm 44, 44, 44, 45, 46, 47.

[788] What the fuck, sucker?

[789] What's with the questions?

[790] Where's the reefer, bitch?

[791] What do you give a fuck how old I am?

[792] What are you, the IRS?

[793] You're wearing a wire?

[794] He's like, who's afraid of Virginia Wolf?

[795] He just believes whatever age he is at that fucking dog.

[796] He's like, no, we have a baby.

[797] I don't know.

[798] how old he is, but I do know that until like 2000 and like one or two or whatever it was, whenever he moved in with Terry, you never knew where the fuck that guy was.

[799] He had a pager.

[800] He didn't even have a cell phone.

[801] He had a pager.

[802] And if he lost that pager, he fucking vanished, man. He didn't have a dress.

[803] He was sleeping on people's couches.

[804] So where the fuck was Joe Diaz?

[805] Nobody knew where he was.

[806] It was just straight up guesswork.

[807] Cryptic.

[808] But I would love to be around at that time.

[809] Just be on the fucking road with him.

[810] Dude, he's a, he's a goddamn classic.

[811] Wait, wait, that didn't come out right I'd love to be inside of him Fuck, bro, that got creepy Oh, fuck I know, but you imagine If you could beat Joey Diaz for a day You imagine?

[812] Just fucking, wake up at the morning Just look in the mirror Like, oh shit, I'm Joey Diaz Here we go, cock sucker Here we go I want to make the most out of this That'd be a great movie But you're not in control It's Joey's brain running the fucking show You just got like being John Malkovich eyes Like you're just coming out of them Like, where are we going right now?

[813] A good premise for a movie movie if you had a guy who was like a fitness freak and his friend or his brother was Joey Diaz and so the guy who was the fitness freak somehow another through some fucking miracle of science says listen I'm trying to convince you that if you could be me for a day if you could use my body for a day uh -huh um you would understand how important it is to have physical fitness yeah throws so through some weird science fucking ridiculous shit that no one would ever believe they get to swap bodies but Joey won't give the body back fuck you cuck sucker you stupid asshole I got your body now bitch I'm staying in this fucking thing.

[814] I got this personality and this body.

[815] God damn.

[816] You know, and then the poor guy is now, he's got the mind of a meathead and he's got this fat body and no personality and he can't get laid and he discovers that his personality sucks more than Joey's body sucks.

[817] That's it.

[818] That's the fucking, that's the movie, man. The touching part at the end.

[819] Yeah.

[820] The end.

[821] He blows his brains out in the swimming pool.

[822] That's what he does.

[823] Shotgun in the mouth in a swimming pool.

[824] Yeah.

[825] The end.

[826] Fade the black.

[827] Just the blood going out into the water.

[828] Yeah, credits.

[829] To black, son.

[830] So I was saying that I keep getting these, before, that I keep getting these fucking invitations to these, like, festivals, these 2012.

[831] It's all over festivals?

[832] These 2012, you know, like, we know what's going to happen things, where the seminars where people are going to speak on the great changes ahead.

[833] Like, there's a lot of nutty motherfuckers out there that are, like, really truly predicting that the world is going to end in 2012.

[834] Like, they really do believe this.

[835] Where do they get this, where, where's their stuff coming from?

[836] Well, there's a bunch of different schools.

[837] You know, there's the Mayan calendar school.

[838] The Mayan calendar is that the December 21st, 2012 is the end of the long count.

[839] So it's supposed to be some new age.

[840] And it's all open to interpretation.

[841] Who knows what the fuck the Mayans were saying by the end of an age or a new age coming.

[842] Who knows whether or not it means anything to the people?

[843] It might be something that means something to the planet.

[844] Yeah.

[845] Who the fuck knows.

[846] So there's those people.

[847] And then there's the, so there's people.

[848] People that have misinterpreted that, and they think that it's some sort of a doomsday calendar.

[849] And then there's the Terrence McKenna crowd who think that 2012 is going to be some crazy new technological innovation, like a fucking warp between this world and another, or something crazy, some inventions.

[850] But everybody's banking on this, being happening real soon, you know?

[851] Oh, God.

[852] It's like such a common thing, and they have these meetings, and they sit down and they speak about it.

[853] And everyone talks about, you know, sustainable farming and being prepared to start.

[854] start your own currency and, you know, and have a currency with a small group of people.

[855] Do they want to meet with you in private to talk?

[856] They want you to speak.

[857] They want me to speak.

[858] Yeah, there's some of these things you want me to speak.

[859] Look, I kind of don't know if you're, what it is, but I don't know if you're right either.

[860] So, yeah, that's the answer.

[861] The answer is no one knows what the fuck is going on.

[862] Like, what are you talking about?

[863] Yeah.

[864] Just these Mayans couldn't even predict their own demise, okay?

[865] The Mayans disappeared a thousand years ago.

[866] So what good are all those stupid calendars?

[867] if they didn't even know that they would go extinct.

[868] I mean, there's like scattered minds.

[869] It's all going to be over in 2012.

[870] We're not going to be here.

[871] Yeah, we're gone a long time before that.

[872] But, you know, you guys, look out for yourselves.

[873] Be careful.

[874] We don't want you to see you get hurt.

[875] They really want you to go, though.

[876] I get these invitations, these things, and they're hilarious.

[877] I would go and just start making fun of everybody.

[878] Anybody with yoga beads.

[879] Fuck you.

[880] Fuck you.

[881] Fuck you in your yoga beads and your crystals.

[882] Are you wearing a crystal with a leather thing around your neck?

[883] hmm nice what does that mean it's actually hemp rope i'm a vegan oh my god it's hemped dude living in colorado that whole vegan thing seems so ridiculous when a mountain line eats your dog when i was living in colorado i lived you know i moved to colorado yeah yeah yeah a mountain line ate my dog oh no yeah i saw the mountain line before i ate the dog i saw we saw a bunch of shit i saw a lot of deer i saw turkeys i saw just you see animals one one bear ate this guy's car ate this guy's car.

[884] In the neighborhood, a bear got into this guy's car.

[885] And, you know, you think, well, if you leave food in your car, then the bear is going to eat the food.

[886] No, the bear eats the car.

[887] They don't know what seats are.

[888] They don't know of leather's edible.

[889] They don't know what a dashboard is made out of.

[890] And they just ate everything.

[891] He ate everything.

[892] He ate the car.

[893] Just took chunks out of the dashboard.

[894] It was like, like someone just went in with a giant claw hammer and just started mangling the whole inside of the car.

[895] Wires and steering wheel.

[896] Just tore it apart, tore seats apart.

[897] They're so fucking strong.

[898] anybody living in that sort of an environment and understanding the real nature between animals and men you wouldn't eat those you really want to keep these fucking crazy things around you want bears to eat your car so they have to get one when that happens they have to capture that bear or kill it once they start coming around and eating garbage they have two options capture to kill it and went to a zoo there and we saw these fucking big crazy ass grizzly bears and those were bears that they had to capture they just started eating people's garbage you know, like Yellowstone or someplace like that, they start eating people's garbage and then once they get used to it, they understand that there's always going to be a food source here, you can't get rid of them.

[899] And so you have this fucking 900 ,000 pound fucking wild animal that will eat you.

[900] It will eat you.

[901] Oh yeah, they'll eat people.

[902] They eat people all the time.

[903] It's just they have to either be in danger or they think their children are in danger, so they'll attack you, or they've eaten a person before and they know how easy it is.

[904] They know, yeah, there's no fight.

[905] I mean, it's not like, you know, so stupid about that whole animals eating people thing like well they don't they don't eat people normally that's because we're not out there normally yeah if we were out there they'd be eating us you know wolves used to eat people man I mean that's all that's all real shit when they were around yeah yeah before we get guns and shit yeah we were talking about this in the podcast this a woman recently was killed I believe it was in Alaska 19 year old woman was killed by a fucking pack of wolves a 19 year old woman I know a 19 year old woman was killed in Canada from coyotes coyotes killed her I'll just Google it so I don't give anybody disinformation but it was a fascinating story she was out hiking or something like that uh yeah she was running the woman who's killed by wolves i believe she was jogging is my internet down brian i think mine is too fucking cunty time water you suck my dick you dumb fucks i think uh this is destined for itunes because yeah i ain't getting no all right um anyway wolves are dangerous bears dangerous of course eat animals they're delicious i bring my son now to the to the zoo because i i'm I haven't been in the zoo, and we literally will stare.

[906] He'll stare, and I'll be staring at a fucking giraffe.

[907] And I go, what is that?

[908] Crazy.

[909] Horse body, just gigantic, like, gigantic neck, and then horse head on top.

[910] Like, just, like, he'll look at me. I'm like, I don't know what the fuck that is.

[911] I don't know how to explain that fucking thing.

[912] Have you ever done those ones, like, in the San Diego Zoo where you get on that truck and come up to you?

[913] Yeah.

[914] I went on that one.

[915] You did?

[916] Fascinating.

[917] Yeah.

[918] They come right up to and they eat right out of your hand.

[919] It's an alien.

[920] I mean, it could easily be on Star Wars.

[921] If it didn't exist?

[922] Of course.

[923] The fuck, man. Do we give up on a...

[924] Your internet's just down.

[925] Straight iTunes only.

[926] Do you have any kind of boxes?

[927] No, don't worry about that right now, Brian.

[928] We'll worry about it later.

[929] There's obviously some sort of an issue.

[930] Cool.

[931] We're going to have to clean it up.

[932] You stream.

[933] It's fucking great, though.

[934] All animals, man. All of them are a trip.

[935] We're just used to them.

[936] If, you know, kangaroos didn't exist, and all of a kangaroo was there, he'd be like, what the fuck is that?

[937] Yeah.

[938] Imagine if, like, kangaroo didn't exist.

[939] He never saw one in the news.

[940] And then all of a sudden you saw one in your yard bouncing around.

[941] He'd be like, okay, did I do acid and I forget about it?

[942] My own, is this fucking, what is this, Alice in Wonderland?

[943] Yeah.

[944] Is this, is it real?

[945] They're fucking real.

[946] Especially at crocodiles and shit.

[947] When I lived in Florida, I lived near a place called Lake Alice.

[948] We lived in Gainesville.

[949] My dad was going to school there.

[950] And this Lake Alice, you could feed crocodiles, or not crocodiles, rather, alligators.

[951] Crocodiles are way more dangerous.

[952] Than alligators.

[953] Yeah, they're way more aggressive.

[954] and so these alligators would be out there and people would be throwing marshmallows and the alligators would come up and eat the marshmallows Just walk right up Yep Just throw them They're right there dude right there They were like right in front of this dock So if they just said one day I'm sick of marshmallows What does that taste like It's fucking game over It's over Dude it's crazy Because there's all these signs saying Not to eat Not to feed them Not to pet them Not to get close to them They are dangerous animals But yet they're there They're right there And everyone seems to be okay with it Florida In Florida all over the place man We did an episode of the league this year with a bull, a fucking one -ton bull.

[955] And we were in an auditorium, all of us, and there's all people.

[956] And the Wrangler comes in.

[957] He's like, I'm a professional bull trainer, or I'm a wrangler for the bull.

[958] And he goes, if the bull comes at you, he's like, he's never been in a room like this before, which immediately I'm like, I'm fucking, what's going on here?

[959] He goes, if the bull starts walking at you, just hold your ground and just pretend.

[960] So now there's like a hundred background people.

[961] And this bull walks in and he looked around for a minute And it didn't charge But it was like I'm walking I'm gonna take a fucking lap around this gym Oh my God And they're trying and it just There are dudes just stand I ran like like just fucking for the hills I was like I'm not It's got its balls right dude It had its ball Things do they I think they dressed it up They put like the hook through its fucking nose I mean this thing was a ton And it's just Boom knocking people like out of the way And they're all trying to do the right thing For $35 for 14 hours They're just trying to stand there and not piss anyone off like this bull was like knocking people around i was like if there's any animal out there that's not trained it's a fucking bull yeah you can't ever get them to settle down you cannot train a bull yeah what are you gonna tell them what how they even get them to just be still enough to walk around i don't know some crazy shit and it's handler was like a hundred pound fucking lady it looks like a shit like she shit him out yeah a hundred pound lady oh my like not that makes any difference lady or a man either one toss whatever yeah yeah yeah That doesn't even matter at that point.

[962] Lost a cheetah around.

[963] Dude, they're so powerful.

[964] Maybe a lady would be better because he wouldn't feel threatened.

[965] You just decide to listen if he likes your voice.

[966] You know?

[967] We did Fear Factor with Bulls.

[968] That was the only time I was really nervous.

[969] They're big.

[970] They're huge.

[971] And we made these people ride them.

[972] We made like a 90 -pound chick ride a bull.

[973] She got launched through the air.

[974] Almost got kicked in the head.

[975] Really?

[976] It was the only time where I was like, what the fuck are we doing?

[977] Like every other time, I would say, what is this stunt?

[978] Oh, well, they're going to take this car, and they're going to hit that ramp, and it's going to flip through the air, it's going to land in these boxes.

[979] Is there any chance it can't land in the boxes?

[980] No, no, no, no. There's plenty, no way.

[981] It can only fly a couple of feet through the air.

[982] We're going to have way more boxes than we need.

[983] Okay.

[984] And what happens when it goes in the boxes?

[985] Oh, the boxes just collapse and then it gets to the bottom.

[986] It's actually a really amazing system of distribution of energy with all these collapsible cardboard boxes.

[987] Totally safe.

[988] Yeah.

[989] Okay.

[990] Someone's flying a car off a building.

[991] It's a third store, third story building, you know.

[992] But physically, they figured out the physics of how it's going to happen.

[993] That made sense to me. We're going to ride bulls.

[994] Well, these are fucking bulls, man. Wait a minute.

[995] What if they get hurt?

[996] No, don't worry.

[997] These are training bulls.

[998] They're not as aggressive.

[999] Do they know their training bulls?

[1000] They know they're bulls.

[1001] They know they're sitting down with them.

[1002] Now, you guys know that you're training bulls, right?

[1003] They don't have a fucking clue that they're training bulls, dude.

[1004] They're just not as strong as the strongest of the strong.

[1005] That's the only difference.

[1006] Yep.

[1007] But they're still 2 ,000 pounds, whatever the fuck they are.

[1008] Beasts.

[1009] They're incredibly strong, dude.

[1010] When you see them moving inside that cage, just slamming into the metal and shit.

[1011] It's like, whoa.

[1012] Like, this is the stupidest fucking thing I could ever think about doing right now.

[1013] It's put my body on top of this thing and hang on.

[1014] This thing is trapped in this little metal box.

[1015] And you're just going to all of a sudden give it freedom with a little monkey on its back.

[1016] What the fuck?

[1017] It's freaking out.

[1018] Of course, it's going to start jumping and kicking.

[1019] It's paranoid.

[1020] It doesn't know what you're doing.

[1021] Anything with an animal, when it has another animal on its back, it thinks that that animal's trying to kill it.

[1022] Yeah, that's how animals kill you.

[1023] When a tiger jumps on you, jumps on your back and gets the back.

[1024] back your neck.

[1025] So if you're, you fucking got a thing on a bull's mouth and you're hanging on his neck, he thinks you're trying to kill him, man. Of course he's going to jump and kick.

[1026] Stupid fucks.

[1027] I got high and went to see jackass last week.

[1028] I haven't seen it yet.

[1029] You haven't seen it yet?

[1030] Dude, I don't know how, I have no idea how Johnny Knoxville is still alive.

[1031] I really have no fucking idea.

[1032] Those dudes are nuts for real.

[1033] That's not a joke.

[1034] You have to be like...

[1035] There's a different level of pain tolerance that this guy has that just unsightable.

[1036] I saw that bull thing where he got a blindfold in front of a bull.

[1037] What the fuck is wrong with him, man?

[1038] Dude, he gets hit by a bull.

[1039] I don't want, just one thing, but he flips on his neck and they slow motion it down where you like, it's, it's unfathable how this guy is still walking.

[1040] And he just gets up and he's like, and then just fucking runs for a fence.

[1041] Like, he still got the dexterity to run and jump over a fence.

[1042] It seemed like to me, though, that was probably the last one, though.

[1043] The movie?

[1044] Yeah.

[1045] I think they wanted it to be, but I think because of the movie made $50 million.

[1046] And when all said and done, I'll probably make between DVDs $200 million.

[1047] And they go, we'll do, you want to do one for $12 million?

[1048] And he might not be the last one.

[1049] Because he even says, he's like, you know, how many of these can I do?

[1050] Plus, he doesn't really do a lot of other stuff in between.

[1051] So you can get like a bigger pay day every couple years.

[1052] It's like, why not?

[1053] But I mean, dude, I don't know how.

[1054] Like, they're just testing fate at this point.

[1055] Yeah.

[1056] I would rather do another movie with The Rock.

[1057] You play The Rock's deputy.

[1058] You play the Rock's deputy.

[1059] With a little accent.

[1060] You got to get those guys in the Rock's got a baseball bat.

[1061] He prefers to use a bat.

[1062] It's got a little moonshine bucket with three Xs on it and shit.

[1063] I'm ready to kick ass and take names.

[1064] I don't really care about the names.

[1065] And I'm all out of names.

[1066] You probably need to take a kick butt.

[1067] No, he's butt and take names.

[1068] I got no more room in my address book.

[1069] You got to shoot a movie.

[1070] I got high and saw it in 3D.

[1071] I've only seen one movie in 3D before this one.

[1072] What was that?

[1073] I never saw a movie in 3D before that.

[1074] Maybe I missed it.

[1075] Never saw Jaws 3D?

[1076] Never saw Jaws 3D.

[1077] So Avatar literally was like, it changed my life.

[1078] Like I was kept flipping the glasses back and forth to see what it was like.

[1079] But then when I got high and saw Jackass, it was like, it was a midnight showing at the palms.

[1080] Like people were wasted.

[1081] There was chips flying in the air.

[1082] It was kind of a cool environment to see it in.

[1083] Yeah.

[1084] And then high and then just.

[1085] fucking, it was like a party.

[1086] Everyone was, like, laughing together.

[1087] That's crazy to see a movie in Vegas.

[1088] I was, you know, I had done the show, I was done with it, and I was like, you know what?

[1089] Instead of going out and getting fucked up or doing something stupid, it's like, I want to see this movie, let's smoke a joint, let's go, and they save this a couple seats.

[1090] But that's you, you're working there.

[1091] That makes sense.

[1092] You're the other people going to see the movies.

[1093] People that live there.

[1094] Yeah.

[1095] Oh, that's the people that live there.

[1096] Yeah, you know, that makes sense.

[1097] You can't do this every fucking night, you know?

[1098] Could you imagine living in Vegas?

[1099] Not a chance.

[1100] Fuck, no. Not a chance.

[1101] It's like either living on the surface of the sun or in a colony of vampires.

[1102] It's like very similar.

[1103] Every time I leave Vegas, I feel depressed, dry, I feel hungover.

[1104] It's a horrible feeling.

[1105] That's the land of shitty decisions.

[1106] Audrina Patchridge was on my flight home.

[1107] Who's that?

[1108] She's a chick from the hills.

[1109] She's ridiculously hot.

[1110] And she's on Dancing with a Star.

[1111] She got kicked off or something this week.

[1112] Anyway, she's so hot.

[1113] And she was South West.

[1114] And she just happened to have the seat, like she picked the seat next to me. Shazam.

[1115] And she fell asleep and I tried for 20 minutes to, like, look down in her shirt.

[1116] But I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't get an angle.

[1117] Couldn't get the fucking angle.

[1118] Her head kept moving.

[1119] It was horrible.

[1120] Did her head ever land on you and you cuddle with her?

[1121] No, but I was like.

[1122] Rubber forehead, letting know it's going to be okay.

[1123] I was like, just, I was trying to smell her.

[1124] Yeah, it was filthy, dude.

[1125] How hot did she?

[1126] Ten?

[1127] Yeah, she's a 10.

[1128] Why didn't you record her?

[1129] 25?

[1130] How old?

[1131] How old?

[1132] 23.

[1133] Yeah, in that range.

[1134] Do you take any photos?

[1135] No. Why not?

[1136] That's what you have it for.

[1137] Don't fuck, bro.

[1138] You've wasted.

[1139] I know.

[1140] But then she was sleeping.

[1141] I'm like, then there's physical evidence of me. I mean, not that it's not now.

[1142] Me confessing it on the fucking internet is not physical evidence.

[1143] A really, really hot chick like that, like to everyone, but, you know, to gay men and to regular women, like, you really have no idea what kind of power that chick has with your guy.

[1144] None.

[1145] A super hot shit.

[1146] like that could just run a guy just run them there's no way he can can't can't help himself whatever they want their dude I've seen it happen many times Brian if you've seen it happen what some super hot chick just running some dude's life oh totally I usually happens to me tell us how it happens what happens really well you realize that you're just focused on like really nice boobs but then everything else around the boob is awful and then you just don't care because it's like a bull's eye and you know you just want to look at their boobs all day.

[1147] So you're focused only on their body, not on their personality.

[1148] That's what you're saying?

[1149] Well, I guess you just overlook a lot of things that usually if they didn't have an awesome rocking body that you would probably like look into a little bit further, you know, but you're so happy with just...

[1150] You find yourself tolerating some nonsense.

[1151] Like if I had said those things to you, you'd been like, I'm not friends with this guy anymore.

[1152] Right.

[1153] Because I don't want to talk about him.

[1154] Yeah.

[1155] Dude, how many times you've been in a relationship with someone and someone else yell like mean, hurtful shit at you and you go, listen, I don't have friends that talk to me like that.

[1156] right you're obviously not my friend yeah like but some people if you grow up in a family like that that's what you think you're supposed to do that's what you think you're supposed to do if your parents always yelled at each other you think that's how people react to each other you want to be a grown up you want to be a grown up hey you know you got to fucking respect me like whoa whoa where the hell is coming from did you fight me and my sister would always fight and my sister were very friendly you know really really not like we got in a few arguments when we're really really young but by the time we were in high school we never even argued about shit every now and then like she would like have try to have a party over the house and I would come home and go get the fuck out everybody out like she would my sister really yeah she would get a little crazy try to bring a bunch of people over my parents are away you know I'd come home and I was delivering newspapers and fighting in taekwondo tournaments okay so I had to get up at 5 o 'clock in the morning and deliver newspapers that's all I did then I would train and compete in tournaments that's all I did I was a loser I had no life outside of fighting no martial martial arts delivering newspapers go to school that's it that was it all I did so I would come home there's all these idiots in my house and I have to get up in five hours so I would just go fucking crazy and kick everybody out that was the only arguments we ever had but other than that my sister's cool I went to Brody's house one time when he lived with his sister We walked in and the sister I guess had let the cat didn't feed this goddamn cat food and he goes this is not the way I deserve to be treated in a condo I live with my sister paid for by my mother and he just goes off on his fucking sister He's like, she doesn't get me. Is he really living with his sister?

[1157] Now he moved in with another person, but yeah, he was living with a sister in a condo that his mother paid for before she moved to the conference.

[1158] It drives me crazy when I find out that he's not a successful guy.

[1159] It's just going to take someone to do something around him big enough that they go, okay, here is a radio show.

[1160] Here's your microphone.

[1161] Yeah.

[1162] Let him do it for a while and get used to it and get relaxed and then just build it.

[1163] they will come launch it yeah well i just did a podcast last week for him that if you guys are interested in who we're talking about it it's pretty funny same thing he was talking about his sister and he's calling a squatter she's a squatter getting him going is it's fun did you enjoy it so we have him on the podcast oh yeah i think so i mean okay what his he wants to do with this podcast his idea is to take a bunch of the the really young kids at the comedy store and throw them on the couch and like talk to these guys just to get him get him some, you know, stage time.

[1164] Well, we did that with Brian's friend, Little Esther, you know, Little Esther.

[1165] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1166] We brought her in, and she did the podcast, and she's going to come to Austin.

[1167] She's going to do a little 10 -minute sets.

[1168] That's great.

[1169] We're at the Cap City Comedy Club.

[1170] Oh, we're there next week.

[1171] Next.

[1172] Me and Joey Diaz, it's Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

[1173] Some tickets are still available.

[1174] How great is Austin?

[1175] Fucking love it there, man. It's one of the greatest cities ever.

[1176] I've only performed there once.

[1177] It's one of the greatest, coolest, smartest, funnest cities ever.

[1178] They just got it down.

[1179] I mean, it's not perfect.

[1180] There's nothing perfect.

[1181] There's no city that's perfect.

[1182] No. But Austin's pretty goddamn close.

[1183] Yeah, they, not too big.

[1184] I want to live there one day.

[1185] Yeah, I like it.

[1186] People are cool.

[1187] Yeah, I like it a lot, man. It's a little too congested for me. The reason why I moved to Colorado is like I was going to go, if I was going to go outside LA, it had to be like really outside.

[1188] I don't want this.

[1189] I want the opposite of this.

[1190] I want the opposite of too many people.

[1191] I want, you know, I would like just like, you know, one of the things I loved about Colorado.

[1192] I'd be driving down these dirt roads and shit, headed home.

[1193] And when someone's coming the other way, they do this.

[1194] They wave.

[1195] Hey, what's up?

[1196] And I wait back.

[1197] It's sincere.

[1198] That you can have enough connections or limited amount of connections during the day that they mean something every time.

[1199] There's less people.

[1200] You appreciate each other more.

[1201] You know, like, I would be walking my dog and I'd be, you know, passing by some guy who was like getting his mail or something like that.

[1202] They're so different than out here.

[1203] If I, if I'm walking down this street and I see somebody, Like, it's very rare.

[1204] Anybody says hi.

[1205] Or you can make eye contact.

[1206] There, everybody was like, how you doing?

[1207] It's nice day, huh?

[1208] Blah, blah, blah, blah.

[1209] It's just friendly, cordial type shit.

[1210] Yeah.

[1211] You don't get that when there's too many people.

[1212] It's just like having, you know, if you don't have money and then, you know, you have a little bit here and there, you appreciate that little money that you get.

[1213] When you have ridiculous piles of money, you just start getting used to the fact you've got money.

[1214] Yeah.

[1215] You don't appreciate it.

[1216] If you lose a dollar, it doesn't mean anything to you.

[1217] If you're poor and you lose a dollar, it means a lot.

[1218] When you have a small.

[1219] amount of people you appreciate those people you know it's like we get too much this this like when you're in a city like l .A when you get on that 405 like i had to go to anaheim the other day oh it was fucking brutality man it's just insane you're going five miles an hour stop five miles an hour stop and it's four five maybe even five and a half hours to get down there Jesus it's like you just look at all those people and you go this is not what are we doing let's spread out yeah this is craziness man this is not no wonder why we don't appreciate each other you know But if you ever been in a car when it's snowing out, man, you've been in a car when it's snowing?

[1220] When it's snowing and you're around a bunch of other people in snowing and you're driving, looking at each other, like, how you doing, buddy?

[1221] Yeah, everyone, that's all.

[1222] Yeah, everybody's all super friendly because everybody's freaking the fuck out because Mother Nature is kicking your dick right now.

[1223] You know, the ground is covered with a thick layer, and you're like, how thick is this shit going to get before I get home?

[1224] Am I going to get stuck somewhere?

[1225] Do I have enough gas to keep the car on and stay warm?

[1226] You never ride the guy in front of his ass.

[1227] You're like, I want to, let this guy, whatever it's going to happen, let it happen.

[1228] I want to watch how this guy.

[1229] maneuver shit stay in their tire tracks and shit I remember being super retarded once it was like ice storm and I had like ice all over my windshield growing up and I took like I was late for work and so I took this big bucket of hot water thing to melt the ice and I poured it on my windshield and I just watched my no I watched my windshield go it broke it cracked and then it froze even worse oh no cracked your windshield I was like 16 going oh fuck glass is it made that's hilarious dude that should be a great scene in a movie yeah glasses are meant to go from like negative 32 to 100 degrees in a second there is something about living in a cold climate like that when you have to deal with those winters that makes a different type of person I think people in Los Angeles they have one of the reasons why a lot of people out here are more disconnected is because they don't have to worry about nature you don't really worry about it here all you do is it gets warm out make sure you drink some water That's about all you have to worry about.

[1230] You'd have to worry about thunderstorms.

[1231] You remember crazy lightning storms?

[1232] You got to worry about getting killed by bolts of lightning out of the sky.

[1233] You know, East Coast?

[1234] Yeah.

[1235] When I lived in Boston, okay, if a fucking thunderstorm came, you would see lightning bolt hit trees every now and then.

[1236] And you knew not to go by trees.

[1237] Because you were, like, trained.

[1238] You're like, don't go over there.

[1239] I don't forget where the fuck it was.

[1240] I don't remember enough to tell it.

[1241] But I remember something hit, some lightning bolt hit something near us, like very close.

[1242] And like, we could go to the spot where it hit.

[1243] You know, I'm like, fuck, man. That's a, that's death.

[1244] If that's you, you're fucked.

[1245] There's something humbling about that.

[1246] Like after a brutal, brutal hurricane, like back in the East Coast, after it was over, people were always nice.

[1247] Always nice.

[1248] Everybody was just a little bit humbled.

[1249] Nature just fucking, do a fucking crazy hissie fit.

[1250] I'll fucking kill you.

[1251] I'll fucking kill everyone.

[1252] Nature's throwing trees and shit.

[1253] It's like when you and your brothers and your sisters were fighting in the backseat and your dad would be like, I'll fucking kill you.

[1254] Like, that's Mother Nature going, hey, everyone just.

[1255] chill the fuck out.

[1256] You just don't appreciate anything.

[1257] Yeah, I never got used to it either.

[1258] Like, a lot of my friends, like, when a thunderstorm came, they were like, yeah, let's drink, you know, and that's how, like, a party and stuff.

[1259] To me, I was always fucking just parrot, you know, scared out of my mind every time a huge storm hit Ohio.

[1260] The thing that always used to get me, man, is one of the really big ones would hit.

[1261] It was like, this can keep going.

[1262] I've never experienced it, but I know it happens where it goes, like, typhoon, and then it goes fucking class whatever hurricane, where it's like Katrina style.

[1263] Yeah.

[1264] Like, they keep going.

[1265] It doesn't always, like, this isn't the end of the power it can come with.

[1266] These fucking things can get really powerful.

[1267] So just because you're going to get through this hurricane okay, you're going to survive, you know, and power might be out for a couple of days.

[1268] Like, there may be one someday that wipes out a whole city.

[1269] There will be.

[1270] That's very possible.

[1271] Absolutely.

[1272] I was coming home once in high school, no, middle school or high school, we went to Cedar Point, which is this big amusement park in Ohio.

[1273] And there was this huge thunderstorm.

[1274] We had to leave early.

[1275] And I remember on the way home, we saw a, tornado like just coming up the highway as kids you're like what the fuck and I you know I don't know if that has anything to do with why I'm scared but our bus was actually going he was going faster just to try to run away from this tornado and it was raining like crazy oh my god and I just remember being a kid going in there he's like everyone put their heads or doing oh you know what to do oh my god yeah because it will pick that bus up and just fucking fling it like it's nothing nothing that's happened so many times people flying out of windows If tornadoes were monsters from outer space, we would feel like we'd be being attacked, we'd be on red alert and shit, we'd be worried.

[1276] Trying to shoot the tornado with bullets.

[1277] Radiation, cloud seeding.

[1278] You know, we have to make it rain around the tornado to lessen its capability.

[1279] The tornado's just moving.

[1280] Like, damn, tornado moved.

[1281] We were in Miami and some sort of a tropical storm hit.

[1282] And it was, we were driving to, Eddie had a seminar down there.

[1283] and there was a UFC and so we were there like the day early for a seminar and as we're driving down the highway we had a stop in the middle of the highway the whole highway did because the rain was so thick and it was coming down so hard you couldn't see anything you literally couldn't see a thing it was just all white it was incredible I've never seen that volume of water before literally everyone on the highway stopped for 10 15 minutes for 10 or 15 minutes minutes, it was like this.

[1284] Well, you couldn't see a god.

[1285] We were sitting in the car going, holy shit.

[1286] And you don't know when that's going to end?

[1287] You don't know when that, you're like, it could end in a minute.

[1288] It could end in 30 minutes.

[1289] Well, they're pretty good at, you know, judging whether or not, you know, you have to, like, run for high ground and cover and go into a bunk.

[1290] They're pretty good at, like, when the big ones, some big giant crazy one, apparently just hit the Philippines.

[1291] And they were showing it on, like, they had, like, you know, photos of it on the news.

[1292] They know how long, in general they're going to last.

[1293] But it doesn't matter why you're in it.

[1294] While you're in, even a small one, even a medium -sized one like this one was.

[1295] It didn't even make the news.

[1296] Nobody died.

[1297] Still, it's like, what the fuck, man?

[1298] You can't see.

[1299] There's so much water you can't see anything.

[1300] It's a full whitewash.

[1301] There's a wall of rain coming from the sky in front of you.

[1302] I remember one of the last storms I went through in Ohio right before I moved to California was this huge hail storm.

[1303] I recorded it's somewhere on the internet's.

[1304] Never been one of those.

[1305] Oh, it started off as just golf balls flying from the, you know, what's upstairs sky yeah start off it just from above where my eyes see might want to cut back on the weeds yeah right so it starts off with golf balls and I started recording because I just everything in my back patio was just getting fucked up like ripping like umbrellas my and you couldn't go outside to like save anything because these are golf balls that would hit you in the head and then I went to the front and I had like a tourist show and it was like a nice car that I inherited from my grandma and I just watched my car slowly dissolve and dense, like the size of like, oh, it just fucked my car up.

[1306] So it was just the most horrible thing to watch your car just get beat up by guy.

[1307] There's a crazy video online.

[1308] I'm trying to see if I can find it where these people, oh, here's one.

[1309] Look at the size of these hail balls.

[1310] Whoa.

[1311] Yeah, there's one where these guys are in their house and they're looking out the window at their swimming pool.

[1312] And at first, it's like splashing in the pool and they're like, holy shit, look at this hail.

[1313] Oh, my God.

[1314] And then it gets so big that it doesn't even seem real.

[1315] It gets so big that a lot of people on YouTube are like fake, fake.

[1316] But it's not, it was bricks.

[1317] There were bricks coming from the sky, hundreds of thousands of them, and just smashing everything, knocked over this grill, sent the fucking lid flying.

[1318] The whole water, the water looked like rockets were shooting out of the water into space.

[1319] That's how the water was coming up.

[1320] It was insane.

[1321] But you would die.

[1322] Yeah, that would be it.

[1323] You definitely die.

[1324] at that you're dead after the hailstorm though it was crazy going outside because it was like july and it looked like it had snowed like it would just look like snow everywhere you're melting you're nuts that hailstorms can come in july like that ice can come from the sky in july how fucking fragile is our environment yeah it's so fragile i mean if the difference between california and ohio it's just like a little turn of this crazy planet just a little slight turn this way or that way.

[1325] And you go a little more, oh, you're fucked, you're in Alaska, you're in Antarctica, you're in some place where you're fucked and it's a fucking million degrees below zero.

[1326] And if we just move just a little bit further from the sun, oh, we're fucking, everyone dies.

[1327] It's 78, every day.

[1328] It's fucking dope.

[1329] It is.

[1330] It's nice waves.

[1331] How's that possible?

[1332] How's it possible that, like, Hawaii is always perfect.

[1333] Have you ever been to Hawaii?

[1334] Amazing.

[1335] Dude, Hawaii's the greatest place to go on vacation.

[1336] You know it's always going to be awesome.

[1337] I've never been to Hawaii when it wasn't awesome.

[1338] It's always 78 and sunny.

[1339] Have you been in sunny?

[1340] no I went to Guam with Tripoli we went to Guam and they they don't build anything nice because they just get a typhoon every single fucking year so we called a ghetto Hawaii we're like because they had it's gorgeous most of the time but then they get like three weeks of just go fuck yourself weather and so they just knocks buildings down so that's like even they're a little bit different in Hawaii like Hawaii is so nice yeah and Guam just gets the shit bit beat out of it once like once a year it's funny how that is isn't it it's funny how there's like spots where things always happen and the big island in Hawaii.

[1341] There's three totally different environments.

[1342] There's like this one place where it's like really dry and like almost desert like and there's all these lava fields where everything's dead.

[1343] It's like hot lava came down from the mountains.

[1344] Then there's other parts that were like a tropical rainforest.

[1345] There's other parts that it's like incredibly green and lush like helo.

[1346] It rains like all the time like almost every day.

[1347] It's so lush and green like in the mountains on Manaloa.

[1348] And then there's like where the Keck Observatory is, which is also up a mountain.

[1349] which is totally different.

[1350] It's fucking mountain, man. You're like 10 ,000, 11 ,000 feet above sea level.

[1351] It's a legit mountain with snow and shit.

[1352] It's like, wow, all this on an island.

[1353] Same thing.

[1354] It's one little tiny island, and it's got three completely different environments.

[1355] Hawaii's poor.

[1356] Yeah, it is.

[1357] And it's not, I mean, it's, if you move there, you've got to be prepared to live the way they live.

[1358] Yeah.

[1359] You know, a lot of white people move there, and also they're like, why don't you guys mow your lawn?

[1360] You're like, no, fuck you.

[1361] And they fucking go crazy on you.

[1362] Beat your ass with a coconut, you know?

[1363] Because of hundreds and hundreds of years we didn't know that long.

[1364] Bitch, this is their land.

[1365] This is, you know, if you could buy a house on their land, you better be cool, man. They were there first.

[1366] For real.

[1367] For real there.

[1368] Yeah, it's not like America.

[1369] You know, American Indians like they were there first.

[1370] Oh, no. We were here.

[1371] Like, you know, even American Indians weren't really here first.

[1372] You know, there's fucking Chinese skeletons they found from 10 ,000 years ago.

[1373] They know the Chinese now were the first settlers or not the first settlers, but the first, the oldest human remains ever found.

[1374] in America's Chinese.

[1375] Yeah.

[1376] Oh, it's alien.

[1377] There's a fucking history to this world that we have lost, for sure.

[1378] If you thought, we've talked about this on the podcast before, but if you follow this guy named Graham Hancock, he's this archaeologist that specializes in ancient civilizations that are kind of unexplained.

[1379] And his main theory is that there have been several great ages of humanity, but cataclysmic disasters have basically almost knocked people back to the stone age.

[1380] Like people in ancient Egypt got to incredibly high.

[1381] technological level many, many thousands of years before the established time of ancient Egypt.

[1382] This is their thinking.

[1383] And that something happened around 10 ,000 BC.

[1384] Something happened, or around 10 ,000 years ago.

[1385] Something happened probably like an asteroid impact or something crazy.

[1386] And that's also, it coincides with the end of the Ice Age.

[1387] So the Earth just resets itself?

[1388] Maybe it's not the Earth resets itself.

[1389] It's just that we almost get wiped out by well, we know there's a lot of asteroids.

[1390] There's like hundreds of thousands of near Earth objects.

[1391] And every now and then they collide with each other.

[1392] And Earth's been hit many, many many times.

[1393] And some of them hit and they fucking kill everybody like the dinosaur one.

[1394] But some of them hit and they, you know, they just wipe out like a big chunk of people.

[1395] Like there's one landed in Nevada.

[1396] It's a mile wide crater.

[1397] It's like the crater was a mile wide.

[1398] And, you know, that's not even enough to, I mean, you, you mean, it's, it's going to like do like some considerable damage, but it's not enough to wipe out the race, right?

[1399] Well, just this one that's a mile wide crater killed everything within 800 miles of it.

[1400] What?

[1401] Everything.

[1402] everything alive within 800 miles trees animals dead dead just a monstrous shockwave of energy and this is just one that lasted i mean this one i think they said it was 50 000 years ago i think that's when it hit wow so there's been a bunch of these fucking things and they've hit all over the world and some bigger than others and they could be that it could be super volcanoes they know that that's the case they know that something happened around 10 000 years ago that killed all the william mammoths all the Sabretooth Tigers and ended the Ice Age.

[1403] And they think they might be together.

[1404] They might be linked together.

[1405] So all these guys, they, you know, they look at all this.

[1406] There's John Anthony West.

[1407] He's another one who specializes in it in Graham Hancock.

[1408] There's all these people that are looking at like all this incredible, these incredible structures that people left behind.

[1409] And they go, wait a minute, wait a minute, how long have we really been here?

[1410] Like, do we really know?

[1411] Do we really know?

[1412] I mean, we're just guessing.

[1413] We're just guessing.

[1414] We're guessing about all these civilizations.

[1415] It's fucking fascinating shit, man. You know?

[1416] And the fascinating, you know, these, ruins that you find that they can't explain like Easter Island they don't know who the fuck built these these big giant stone heads they look crazy and they're so complicated man I mean you got these I mean how many fucking thousands of pounds are those rocks you got to cut them like that and then move them into place and shouldn't you be out getting mangoes and shit you know what do you have the time to be doing this man why are you doing this extracurricular activities dude there's there's these guys that lived in um in um in uh South America.

[1417] I believe they're called the Toltex.

[1418] I don't want to say that if I'm wrong.

[1419] But they don't even know anything about these people.

[1420] They don't know what their language was.

[1421] Yeah, it's Toltex.

[1422] They don't know what their language was.

[1423] They don't know what they did.

[1424] They lived in South America.

[1425] They found these African -faced heads, giant carved African -faced heads.

[1426] Big African -lips, very African -looking.

[1427] And obviously, advanced civilization with, like, headdresses and shit.

[1428] And they found these fucking things just in the jungle.

[1429] And they don't know where they came from.

[1430] They don't know.

[1431] There's all those other shit they left behind.

[1432] They know nothing about them.

[1433] What do they do?

[1434] What do those scientists do?

[1435] Like the smartest people in the world, they come back and they go, I don't know.

[1436] I fucking found this.

[1437] It's very touching.

[1438] Does anyone know what this fucking means?

[1439] Tricky subject.

[1440] Because once you find it, you have to, like, admit, like, okay, we're in a real perplexing situation because we thought we had a roadmap of North America.

[1441] We thought, yeah.

[1442] We thought that, you know, the Asians came down from the bearing straight from like Russia and Siberia and Asia and that's how human beings you know that's a native American when they do like the DNA test on Native Americans they're most closely related to people from Asia oh really because they came down all right so yeah Russia down you know and froze the ice yeah and once the ice age ended you know Native Americans that's those are the people that colonized this country we don't even know and that shit you know we don't we don't even know man And so fucking, we don't, we don't even know who came before.

[1443] We don't know, we don't know how long people have been on this earth.

[1444] We really don't know.

[1445] We have guesses, you know, we have guesses, as far as, like, how long people have been advanced, how long we've had advanced cultures.

[1446] We know, like, what we can find.

[1447] We found shit that's 6 ,000 years old, and this is really old, and it's advanced.

[1448] We go, well, this must be the first.

[1449] This is the first civilization.

[1450] Until we find a newer one.

[1451] Or an older one.

[1452] They don't know, dude.

[1453] They don't know.

[1454] It's crazy.

[1455] What's crazy is, like, what Graham Hancock says is that we're a species with amnesia.

[1456] And that really is what it's like.

[1457] As you start getting older and you start really looking at the whole idea of history, the whole idea that there was all these people before us and they all lived and they accomplished all these incredible things and then they died.

[1458] It seems so abstract.

[1459] It's like, what, they were here and then they're gone.

[1460] And then you read the history of how many people were here and gone.

[1461] But as you get older, you start thinking about that history and you go, man, you don't really fucking know.

[1462] Like a lot of this, you're guessing.

[1463] You have to be guessing.

[1464] You don't know what happened 15 ,000 years ago.

[1465] You don't really have a clue.

[1466] would never assume to try to say what happened 15 ,000 years ago.

[1467] They have to, though.

[1468] They have to fill in the books.

[1469] Why?

[1470] Because they're scientists.

[1471] Because they're archaeologists.

[1472] They have to, you know, the problem is once they decide something, then it becomes tricky.

[1473] Because they're having a real hard time accepting a lot of information about Egypt, like geological information.

[1474] There's a guy named Dr. Ron Schock out of the University of Massachusetts, Boston University, I believe.

[1475] And he's a geologist, and he's decided to, like, he looked at all the, the, the, the, erosion that's in the sphinx and in the sphinx chamber and he's said that this is all water and this is all like thousands of years of rainfall and what that means is that it had to have happened long long before the what the current idea of the Egyptians is because the current idea we believe it's like 2 ,500 BC they built all that shit but this guy's saying no it had to be like 7 ,000 years before that because of all the water stains it's my it's I know I talk about this too much on this podcast because I'm fucking fascinated by it it's it's a crazy thing to me that we really don't know how long human beings have been around and that there's a very real possibility that has been a bunch of us.

[1476] But what, not upset.

[1477] A bunch of different ages.

[1478] What freaks me out is that people are still, like you said, like trying to assume that they know.

[1479] Yeah.

[1480] Why would you ever try to, why would you, that's what bothers me when people go, oh, no, but this is what we know.

[1481] How does anyone, like, just don't try to fucking tell me that I'm stupid for being like, no, this is, no one really knows.

[1482] Why are you telling me, you know?

[1483] They attribute things to certain people.

[1484] I know what you're saying.

[1485] They attribute things to certain people where they really should say we think this could have been what happened.

[1486] You know, like I was watching this thing on Chichenita, not Chichinica, I'm sorry, Machu Picchu in Peru.

[1487] They really don't exactly know why all that shit was built, like way, way the fuck up there.

[1488] But there's all these crazy theories that there might have been water that actually reached that high at one point in time.

[1489] Really?

[1490] Dude, it's nuts.

[1491] If you go back and, you know, look at any of that guy's work, this guy, He's got a book called Fingerprints of the Gods.

[1492] Shit'll blow your mind, man. Is there someone to take his place, though?

[1493] If he dies?

[1494] Sure, there's a bunch of other guys.

[1495] The problem is he's, like, the most respected.

[1496] He's got rock -solid credentials.

[1497] He's a real scholar, a really brilliant man. He's very well -spoken.

[1498] Like, when he hears, he does interviews and he talks, and he's a really fascinating guy.

[1499] He's one of my favorite people to read his books.

[1500] He's just an open -minded, really intelligent thinker.

[1501] And so he was like, you know, he has all these controversial theories.

[1502] And then after all these controversial theories, these theories of ancient civilizations, all these different things that people are disputing, then he writes this book about psychedelic drugs.

[1503] He writes this book called Supernatural, where he believes that man's entire life we've been influenced by psychedelics.

[1504] He started taking ayahuasca and going to Peru.

[1505] What's ayahuasca?

[1506] It's this crazy drug that you take in the Amazon jungle and it gives you DMT experiences, like this long -term DMT experiences.

[1507] And they have these people to go down there and they put on these shamanistic rituals and they communicate with the afterlife.

[1508] So now his latest work is that he's convinced that mankind has been helped throughout human history by psychedelic trips to other dimensions.

[1509] As if his last shit wasn't contradiction.

[1510] Yeah, no, what's more than this?

[1511] Yeah, what is he going to talk about next?

[1512] UFOs, you know, that's the last...

[1513] That's it.

[1514] The last...

[1515] Have you seen that thing about the Vatican?

[1516] The Vatican had a fucking conference about UFOs?

[1517] The Vatican did?

[1518] Yeah, I've got to pull that up because it was really ridiculous.

[1519] What did they say?

[1520] They were talking about how extraterrestrials, they are brothers from space and that they may have been without original sin, so they may be pure.

[1521] They might not have had to go through what we went through.

[1522] It's just trying to sound like vampires.

[1523] Dude, it's hilarious.

[1524] That's a pure vampire.

[1525] It's hilarious, dude.

[1526] It is sounding like that, right?

[1527] she was she chose to be a vampire and this is in the new york times by the way this isn't like some some nutty shit that's crazy yeah hold on steve so you've been on the road touring for your show the league uh doing stand -up comedy also i have you guys been like doing clubs theaters what's going on we did uh the house of blues in chicago which was beautiful um and then we did a couple clubs and we did cobs in san francisco uh arlington brew house in dc so who are you touring with who is Nick Kroll, Paul Shear, and John Lijouin, myself, usually go out together.

[1528] Those are the four guys on the show that do stand -up.

[1529] And it's fun.

[1530] We don't all just do stand -up.

[1531] We'll do some audience stuff and fuck around with each other.

[1532] A lot of fans of the show.

[1533] Yeah, a lot of fans of the show.

[1534] We've been selling out.

[1535] We're doing the show at Largo on Tuesday.

[1536] It's sold out, which is really cool.

[1537] And, yeah, people like the show.

[1538] And it's just nice for us to be able to go, oh, these are the guys that like the show.

[1539] Right.

[1540] Like, to get to see them hang out.

[1541] yeah that's a rare that's such a different experience right when they're coming to see you yeah as opposed to just going to a club and you gotta kind of convince them to come out and see you do comedy you're like no i promise i'm funny and then they but now when they come out and they seek you out it's kind of a different very different right don't you find it way cooler right yeah yeah yeah way cooler because it's you know they are they all i go now i can show that i'm also funny so they're good you know they're not going to be like oh fuck we just like the show and you know that's brutal if you do go to see a guy and he's like like I really admire what Charlie Murphy did because what Charlie Murphy did was he didn't he wasn't a stand -up comedian he was an actor and all of a sudden he did the Chappelle show and then he started doing stand -up while he was famous.

[1542] So he was already famous and then he starts doing stand -up which is just fucking bonkers man. Yeah you know that's a big chance.

[1543] Steveo's doing stand -up now.

[1544] Is he really?

[1545] I actually saw it and it was surprisingly good.

[1546] It was he he he was his stage presence was very interesting.

[1547] He didn't stumble.

[1548] He actually just pretty much told stories and his personality on stage came across good.

[1549] I mean, it was probably like the third time he's done stand -up.

[1550] Did he do any stunts or anything like that?

[1551] No, no, no. He just talked about what his life is like and it was really cool and I got to talk to him after the show and I guess he's like completely sober now and everything like that.

[1552] You could see it in the movie that like this is the first time they're doing shit when they're like, oh my God, I know what this feels.

[1553] I don't know what this feels like.

[1554] Yeah, but I was, actually, every person that was there that night, this was at Tripoli's Nadi show, by the way.

[1555] Every time you go has a Nadi show, you should go.

[1556] It's something always interesting.

[1557] I'm doing it next week.

[1558] Oh, really?

[1559] Awesome.

[1560] What day is it?

[1561] I think it's, or the 11th, so it's a week and a half.

[1562] I think it's at the improv.

[1563] Melrose Improv.

[1564] But yeah, he did it, and everyone else that was there actually said the same thing.

[1565] That was actually pretty good.

[1566] Oh, that's good.

[1567] You know who's figuring it out?

[1568] Tom Green.

[1569] I saw him in the beginning, and it was sort of like a little.

[1570] I don't think he really knew how to like come across not being like you know he's a weird awkward kind of guy but like and now I saw him like maybe two weeks ago and I'm like oh he's gotten a lot better in a year just got to get used to doing that you know that that that weirdness over yeah people don't really appreciate how much time is involved in it have you ever tried to get anybody to do it have you ever talk a friend into it no I don't I don't think I would do that it's next Thursday Thursday November 11th is the naughty show yeah it's at the Melrose imp Krov, and there's a bunch of hookers here, too.

[1571] Powerful adult porn stars.

[1572] He always has some really dirty girls there.

[1573] I did a show last night, and somebody brought a three -year -old baby to the car.

[1574] Oh, yeah.

[1575] God damn it.

[1576] Tell the story, Brian.

[1577] All right, so I was in this comedy competition.

[1578] It's called Uncle Clyde's Comedy Competition at Flappers in Burbank.

[1579] And my material is pretty much dirty.

[1580] I mean, there's, you know, a lot of bad stuff.

[1581] I'm a noob, so I have to go dirty to be funny.

[1582] We get in there And this is where you bring your own friends And your friends vote And everyone votes and stuff like that People are bringing like 12 friends I had zero friends But so you're not going to win this A comedy competition When other people bring friends Unless your friends are all pissed Because you suck and they're mad That you brought them there So they'll just vote for somebody else Right but no one's going to really do that But so I We come out and all the comics We're all lined up looking You know, looking at the audience and stuff And suddenly you hear this baby's voice going I like picos or something like that.

[1583] You're like, what the fuck was that?

[1584] And I thought it was just some guy making a funny voice until the first comic is on stage and he starts to cuss and then his baby screams out.

[1585] And I was like, oh my God, there's a child in here.

[1586] It was a three -year -old child having full -on conversations with the comics at some point going back and forth.

[1587] So all the other comics were kind of like, you could tell they're trying to change their material.

[1588] Why did the club allow this?

[1589] Who let them in?

[1590] I have no idea, but the owners were there and they knew the kid was in there.

[1591] audience well that's ridiculous yeah they don't know what the fuck they're doing i thought you told me that those people were comics they are comics they've been doing it for a long time uncle clides is actually pretty successful unless it was jesus's baby right get that fucking baby out i think what they were maybe thinking like oh this baby's young enough that's not going to understand that's ridiculous you can't control listen i have i have a two and a half year old you can't control babies no when they want to yell shit out they just yell shit out that's part of being a baby yeah my kid took a shit on someone our we went to a friend's house pool party took a shit on their deck and we just cleaned it up it's what happened he's just every no one like said anything they're fucking babies man yeah when babies they just do she they don't know they do crazy shit i did a gig in alana one time where there was it was one of those gigs where it's a restaurant then turns into a thing so i go i'm not going on stage unless like everyone's like 18 or old you know like and they were like this 11 year old family just sat down i'm like well why did you sit in i'm like well i'm just i'm going to do it anyway and then i'm like you know how this is going to lead to disaster this is they're going to complain you're going to have to comp their meal they're like no and then that's exactly what happened they were like how could you talk like it's not fair to either one of you it's not fair to everyone no they don't want to eat a meal like they shouldn't have been told that this was going to happen the worst part was is when i got on stage i made the decision not to to do just do my set and not not edit it and not do anything like that so uh i went out and i'm like sorry i got at the beginning of the thing i'm like sorry child cover your ears and then i went right into a bit about molesting a child oh But I, you know, I've been, you know, practicing for this night for the last couple of days.

[1592] I could, I'm a newbie.

[1593] This molesting child joke is not going to tell itself.

[1594] Baby, it's the best part.

[1595] It was, you added baby to that.

[1596] It was funny because how many times I was in middle of bits, halfway through a bit.

[1597] And now it's like, all right, you don't listen to this kid.

[1598] You know, and I'm like, I had to keep on referencing the kid.

[1599] And I was like, you might.

[1600] Did you get laughs or was it too fucked up?

[1601] It was good.

[1602] But you could tell the audience was all like, dude, I can't believe you're talking about fucking pillows while there's this kid right here.

[1603] Right.

[1604] But what are you supposed to do?

[1605] You know, I mean, almost like you should have come up with a bit.

[1606] Like, what the hell am I supposed to do?

[1607] I've been practicing for this for weeks.

[1608] Whose kid is this?

[1609] I was originally just going to be ridiculously censored, like, oh, I'm going to take my pee -p and make love to this, you know, and just try to change everything.

[1610] But I've done that once before, and that's hard to do.

[1611] You can't change on the fly.

[1612] No. When you edit on the fly.

[1613] You can't render on the fly.

[1614] That's one of the reasons why it's the grossest fucking thing ever when someone goes on right before you and purposely steps on your material.

[1615] Right.

[1616] Because they do it on, when guys do it on purpose.

[1617] purpose what they're trying to get you to do is like edit on the fly like mencia was famous for that yeah like the best one is the johnny sanchise one johnny sanchez one johnny's doing a tv show i forgot what the show is loco slam some shit something loco something with a mexican name and mensia is hosting the fucking thing mincea brings him up before he brings him up he does johnny's closing bit no way yeah of course he does he wants you to eat it he wants you to have to adjust once you go up there he's like playing mind games with every other mexican comedian he wants to be the latino hit You know, Johnny Sanchez, we used to crush with that bit about the Iranian guy who was mad at someone for parking in a spot.

[1618] You remember that bit?

[1619] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1620] Who's parking in my fucking parking?

[1621] Menstelia does the exact bit.

[1622] Really?

[1623] Parking in my fucking parking.

[1624] He says the same thing.

[1625] The whole deal just crushes the bit, just eats the guts out of it and shits it out on stage and then has Johnny Sanchez go on.

[1626] I was a man cow last week, and he brought it up.

[1627] He brought the video, the MNCAU video.

[1628] because I was at the end of it and you know he were talking about it and he said you know he just brought it I haven't talked about it in so long and I was so stupid fucking weird yeah it's so stupid that was the best thing that ever happened to me to get out of that comedy store you know I was I got used to being in that place I got used to thinking that that was where comedy was at and then I was bringing that comedy and bringing it everywhere else that no crowd control comedy loud shitheads hecklers rudeness you know you don't realize that comedy doesn't have to be like that.

[1629] Yeah.

[1630] You know?

[1631] That was a big move for me to get out of that room.

[1632] Get out of that room and start doing the Melrose improv and start doing all these other clubs.

[1633] They're nice.

[1634] They really are.

[1635] It's much better to me. Yeah.

[1636] It was better to just to get outside of the negativity of that place.

[1637] Some parts about that place were fun, the darkness of it, the fact that it had been the same for like three, four, five decades.

[1638] But there was parts of that place.

[1639] It was just like, this is just too much.

[1640] This ain't good for you.

[1641] Yeah.

[1642] you're still there all the time i go there a lot yeah when i'm well when i'm town yeah it's the best hang no no no better hang no no better hang that parking lot area but that's what i'm saying it's now it's like there's a new like when i go there i know like less than 50 % of the people really yeah it's it feels weird that now i'm one of the like older guys yeah you're dom ira junior you were talking about doma rara fucking bigger fishes he was one of those guys when i first came here I was like, holy shit, it's Dom Herrera.

[1643] Yeah.

[1644] I can't believe it, you know?

[1645] I know.

[1646] I felt that way when I got there, too.

[1647] That place, man. And then you see Domir all the time.

[1648] No, it's a fucking...

[1649] Hey, Dom.

[1650] Hey, what's up, Dom?

[1651] Have you ever seen Fritz Coleman do comedy?

[1652] Oh, no, I never do comedy.

[1653] I have.

[1654] Yeah, he's actually...

[1655] He used to be a regular at the comedy store, and it still stops in once in a while.

[1656] When someone died one time, a comedian died, he came to the comedy store with the ABC van or whatever channel he's on.

[1657] And he was talking to me, you know, not interviewing me, but it was something to Polly was there, and then he goes, do you want to see something funny?

[1658] And he brought me inside and showed me his headshot.

[1659] And I was like, you're fucking comedian?

[1660] He's like, yeah.

[1661] He's come here all the time.

[1662] Wow.

[1663] Fucking Fritz Coleman.

[1664] You saw him a weird stand -up.

[1665] Yeah, I saw him.

[1666] What was it like?

[1667] Do you remember?

[1668] It's like, you know, real nice guy.

[1669] Hi, he were you?

[1670] Hi.

[1671] Oh, ha.

[1672] All righty then.

[1673] Yeah.

[1674] Just nice guy.

[1675] He's better off doing what he's doing, you know?

[1676] To win for everyone.

[1677] The guys that quit, they should quit.

[1678] You know, they want to quit.

[1679] Some guys just get into it because they want to get into it and then, you know, they're into it.

[1680] And then they're like, okay, well, I guess I'm doing comedy now and something else comes along and they'll just stop.

[1681] They'll just stop doing comedy.

[1682] It weeds itself out.

[1683] And then there's some guys like Tim Allen that were good.

[1684] Tim Allen was a good comic, man. He was funny back in the day.

[1685] When he was talking about prison stuff and things like that.

[1686] Well, you know, even all that fucking tool shit.

[1687] All that man, man. Oh, oh, oh, he does all that stuff about fucking tools and shit.

[1688] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1689] It was funny stuff, man. It was good stuff.

[1690] Yep.

[1691] You know, but he got that TV show, man, and just stopped.

[1692] Just stopped doing stand -up, totally.

[1693] He's still doing it now, though.

[1694] Well, he took a long -ass time off, bro.

[1695] He took a long -ass time off, because I was at the comedy store, one of his return flights when he'd start, that's a weird thing when you haven't seen a guy on stage in like 10 years, and they haven't done comedy in like 10 years, and then all of a sudden they start to do it again, and they're famous as fuck.

[1696] That sucks.

[1697] But they're like a rookie.

[1698] Like, he was like a rookie again.

[1699] I know.

[1700] You lose that timing.

[1701] You lose that.

[1702] feel for being on stage you lose that confidence a whole different muscle it's totally different man to this day if i take more than two weeks off i feel weird i have to go on stage otherwise i don't feel like i could do a show you know i'm not familiar with my material enough i think the longest i take i took off one time was a month really and it sucked like the first four sets after it was terrible it takes me well it's like i t -vowed my own set i was like minutes behind myself yeah timing's time yeah they were laughing they would stop laughing it was awful comedy you ever uh do you record yourself i do once in a while when i'm like okay i know tonight i'm going to do 15 minutes of decently new stuff that i want to try to remember i'll record myself i record myself all the time for two reasons one because you never know when you're going to say something interesting and you'll try to get some new bit out of it and two because when i haven't done comedy for a while i just listen to recording so it all comes back to me oh that's good yeah for the timing because then i listen with headphones on and i'll listen and i'll start writing things down and as i'm writing them down you know i just sort of remember each bit you know because sometimes like there's a whole that I forget, you know, there's, you know, when you're doing an hour and 20 minutes of material, it's like, you know, well, do you still do that thing about the fire in San Francisco?

[1703] Oh, I fucking forgot.

[1704] You know, sometimes I'll do like an hour and a half and I'll leave out like a critical bit.

[1705] And then I'll get offstage and I'll go, I fucking forgot to do that bit.

[1706] See, I'm still at the point where I will headline, I usually go out twice a month.

[1707] And, but there are times where I'm a month or two without, when I'm shooting something.

[1708] And then I'll be doing sets of the comedy story in between.

[1709] And then I go back out.

[1710] And I'm like, shit, what was, there was, there's a lot more to this.

[1711] And then, because, you know, when you have that hour and then you start going 15 minutes spots again, you just start editing stuff out.

[1712] And then you forget to put the shit back in when you go back out.

[1713] You're like, oh, there was a whole other fucking three minutes to that joke that I completely forgot about.

[1714] Yeah.

[1715] And that's another thing that sucks about fucking heckles is when someone starts heckling you, you lose your train of falling.

[1716] Yeah, you lose, you lose 90 % of what the fuck you're saying.

[1717] And then you start over at a different level that you were at.

[1718] Yeah.

[1719] Yeah, like a wavelength, different wavelength.

[1720] You have totally different wavelength.

[1721] Well, you were telling us before we even started this podcast about last night at the comedy store.

[1722] There's another example we were talking about how that plays.

[1723] Like, if you go to the Melrose Improv, someone's yelling out, there's going to be a guy come over and he's going to put his hand on your shoulder.

[1724] And he's going to say, hey, man, cut the shit.

[1725] We're going to kick you out of here.

[1726] You can't be yelling shit out.

[1727] And if you do, I saw Annie Dick get kicked out of the Melrose Improv.

[1728] Really?

[1729] Yeah.

[1730] That's amazing.

[1731] One of your shows.

[1732] He was heckling you?

[1733] It wasn't heckling me. He was heckling somebody else before I ever got there.

[1734] That's funny.

[1735] Before I ever got on stage, you got kicked out.

[1736] This was back when he was boozing it up, though.

[1737] That's funny.

[1738] Yeah, last night, I got told that there was an entire, the whole audience was different tables from different countries.

[1739] And I was fine with that.

[1740] I got on fucking lady, just these four ladies from New Zealand just wouldn't shut up.

[1741] I kept asking me quiet.

[1742] Then one of them threw, I told him shut the fuck up.

[1743] Then one of them threw something at me. And then I just went, I went crazy.

[1744] They threw like a napkin, but I didn't know what it was.

[1745] If you don't say something to the napkin, a glass is coming next.

[1746] That's my fucking mind.

[1747] mindset.

[1748] So then I called him fat pigs and it was just hard but they took him like 20 minutes and get kicked out the fucking club.

[1749] Wow.

[1750] You know?

[1751] And I love everyone that works there.

[1752] It's just like there's a negotiation first.

[1753] They were guys like Harris, we were talking about miserable.

[1754] Harris would have hogtied this chick in the beginning, like first word out of her mouth and thrown her down stairs by her face.

[1755] But now there's like a negotiation.

[1756] Yeah.

[1757] Yeah.

[1758] Well, get the fuck out of here.

[1759] Where is Harris?

[1760] Have you talked to?

[1761] I think he's in Montana.

[1762] Didn't you have a bad motorcycle accident?

[1763] He did.

[1764] He had a really a bad motorcycle accent.

[1765] Dude, I used to talk to that guy about motorcycles.

[1766] He would make it attractive.

[1767] He would talk about motorcycles how great it is.

[1768] I'm going to ride across the country.

[1769] I go up here with this guy and we drive down together and we ride.

[1770] I'm like, oh.

[1771] Me and Steve Simone went to visit him in the hospital after that, and I swear to God, there was a hooker in his room.

[1772] Nice.

[1773] We walk in and she was like dressed up business style.

[1774] They were both sitting on the bed.

[1775] Well, obviously he's on the bed, but she's sitting on the bed right there.

[1776] And as soon as me and Steve knocked the door, we pop in.

[1777] And he's like, she straightened herself up.

[1778] And he's like, oh, this is so -and -so from the house.

[1779] health care unit.

[1780] I'm like, no fucking health care lady sits laying on the bed with you.

[1781] Laying the bed?

[1782] Like, yeah, but like together on the bed.

[1783] Like, if you're taking your report, like you stand next to the fucking bed.

[1784] Why didn't he lock the door?

[1785] I don't know.

[1786] Maybe you can't.

[1787] Maybe the people have come in and out.

[1788] What a wild chance.

[1789] Maybe he just wants to see if he can get caught.

[1790] I would have loved it.

[1791] Maybe he would have, I would have sat there.

[1792] I would have sat there and walk.

[1793] I would have sat there and fucking just been like, go for it.

[1794] Would you back up?

[1795] Would you watch?

[1796] Watch the whole thing.

[1797] Because he'd kill his boner, bro.

[1798] Dude, unless he's a real freak.

[1799] I won't make eye contact with him.

[1800] Just stare right at his boner.

[1801] I'll fucking pull himself around the corner of the fucking curtain.

[1802] Trust me. Well, everyone's going to get off.

[1803] What was his injuries?

[1804] Dude, he scraped.

[1805] I think he broke something on one of the side, either an arm or a leg, but then it was just scrapes.

[1806] Did he get hit or what happened?

[1807] I think he was, it was raining.

[1808] He was going a little too fast in the highway.

[1809] Yeah, he wiped.

[1810] He didn't get hit.

[1811] Did you see Richie?

[1812] Have you seen Richie?

[1813] I saw Richie.

[1814] Richie got hit bad.

[1815] Yeah, our friend Richie, who used to be one of the managers at the comedy store, got tea barred.

[1816] A girl ran a light Went right in front of him He slammed into the car He didn't have time to stop He's going 35 miles an hour And just smashed a bunch of shit In his leg And his arm and his hand He's got plates in his leg Yeah He's all screwed together And skin graft And he's another one man He used to make it sound attractive Hey pay attention You can be fine You talk about bikes Because there was a one point in time Where I took motorcycle safety classes And I was really thinking about You were doing a bike Yeah I ran to Alonzo Bowden the other day too A broken hand from a motorcycle Really?

[1817] Yeah I can't get it to heal They're going to have to put pins in it Because it broke in so many different places They were trying to get it to heal But it won't heal He's like months Yeah, what's best case scenario Like you just never Best case scenario is you fall down And you don't get hurt too bad That's best case You're gonna fall I knew three dudes That had things happen to him My friend Edison He crashed his bike Fucked up his shoulder Another dude Frank Meir The UFC guy got hit by a car On a motorcycle Shattered his femur He was fucked for a whole year He was the champ at the time I believe I think he was He shattered his femur He was fucked for over a year Over a year he was never the same guy again And then a friend of mine saw A dude get hit by a car too When he was on a motorcycle Saw a guy got hit With someone not paying attention At a red light Fucking guy was parked on his bike And this dude just plows into him Sense the guy flying over the handlebars That's the worst I couldn't do it Too scary But damn in Colorado It looks so fucking attractive In New York When I'm like We just park fucking you have a little vespic thing i know it's crazy but i i see it i'm like i can do that no way just zipping around louis k got hit by a car in new york when he was on a bike did he really yeah he got nailed oh my god yeah yeah he got knocked unconscious i think i think like um i think he got hurt but he was okay like it's one of those things where he got jacked he went to the hospital and then after they got him by the hospital he was okay he was all i remember when he was riding that thing man motorcycles to me have always been like so attractive i see them like Oh, look at that.

[1818] I love fucking jet skis.

[1819] I wish I had the balls.

[1820] When I'm on a jet ski.

[1821] I've never been on one.

[1822] Dude, it's addicting.

[1823] If you like it, it's just freedom out on the, you're like in the middle of the water.

[1824] You're like, I want to fucking be right there.

[1825] But don't you feel like when I didn't have to ask anyone.

[1826] Don't you feel like sharks are going to come get you?

[1827] Look, you have to keep going fast.

[1828] I did it in like Lake Havasu and like just horrible.

[1829] Yeah, I've never done it like in the ocean.

[1830] Dude, I did it in Hawaii and I did it stoned as fuck, right?

[1831] And you just wait and a, and then you're just an appetizer.

[1832] and I have never ridden one of those things before and I was going full clip, right, constantly.

[1833] And I wiped out and when I wiped out, man, I was in the water and then it just hit me like, I am way out here.

[1834] I'm way, way, way, way, way out here.

[1835] I mean, there's no way I'm swimming to shore.

[1836] I got to swim over to this fucking bike and get back on it because otherwise I'm dead.

[1837] You're going to get eaten.

[1838] And I'm thinking, you might be something coming at me right now.

[1839] Swimming really fast.

[1840] Joe, when you go in the water, do you wear beach shoes?

[1841] Beach shoes?

[1842] What are those?

[1843] Like the little sandals that you put on?

[1844] Oh, yeah, those little things.

[1845] No, I've never seen those before.

[1846] People wear those in the water.

[1847] They look like rubber socks.

[1848] Oh, I have seen those.

[1849] No, I never knew what they were, though.

[1850] I always assumed those had something to do with skiing or surfing or something.

[1851] They don't...

[1852] I think you want to step on jellyfish and shit like that.

[1853] Dude, I've never been surfing, but I did go boogie boarding in Hawaii.

[1854] And I understand, I mean, I don't understand surfing.

[1855] I'm not saying that it's the same.

[1856] But I understand, like, the thrill of riding a wave.

[1857] It's fun.

[1858] It's fuck, man. I can only imagine how dope it must be to actually get on a wave.

[1859] and ride that bitch in.

[1860] But that said, a dude in Santa Barbara just last week got killed by a shark.

[1861] Santa Barbara.

[1862] Yeah, just last week.

[1863] And it's rare for sharks to be in that water because it's like they don't know if it's a really big one.

[1864] If it's a great white, it's really rare because they're not supposed to be in that water.

[1865] They're supposed to be in colder water, like San Francisco.

[1866] San Francisco, it's like a real problem.

[1867] Yeah.

[1868] Like there was actually there was a video in Cape Cod this year.

[1869] There's a bunch of them that are breeding in Cape Cod.

[1870] They have all this video footage from the sky.

[1871] from helicopter seeing these giant fucking great white bleeding fuck all that getting in the water shit I don't care how cool surfing is I like wave pool shark week is the closest I do to that I got really hot as you and watch the fucking did you see the flying sharks now they have yeah of ones that come out of the water 12 fucking feet in the air and they time the the uh what are those the sea fucking walruses whatever did they time them this way and they come straight up and smash them and just smash them right out of the water and they're up 12 feet in the fucking air.

[1872] Flapping.

[1873] And they, yeah, and then back in.

[1874] Jack them and smash them.

[1875] Crazy.

[1876] What an amazing creature that nature has created.

[1877] This giant thing that can't even stop.

[1878] It has to stay swimming or it'll drown.

[1879] And all it wants to do is eat and it's retarded.

[1880] It has like no brain at all.

[1881] It just wants to eat.

[1882] Like killer whales, fuck Great White Shops all the time.

[1883] Really?

[1884] It's not even a competition.

[1885] Like Great White Sharks will be around killer whales and killer whales will just attack them and murder them and just pick them off attack them and murder them rip them in half first of all killer whales are big they're really big and they're super smart they're like dolphin smart so they just fuck them up there's an awesome video online of a killer whale killing a great white shark and showing it off to these people after he kills it they don't fuck around dude he was showing it off they show it off to people they like people i think people are cool they save people all the time when when people fall in the water killer whales will save people People.

[1886] have many, many instances of it.

[1887] They'll take people that fell off their boats and carry them, push it back to their boat.

[1888] That's great.

[1889] How weird is that?

[1890] They don't even want to eat us.

[1891] They eat dolphins.

[1892] Yeah.

[1893] Killer whales fuck up dolphins because dolphins are their competition.

[1894] Even though they're the same species.

[1895] Basically, they're cousins of dolphins, but they'll save people.

[1896] What a trip, huh?

[1897] Crazy.

[1898] If dolphins didn't exist, if killer whales didn't exist, could you know, what a, fuck Bigfoot.

[1899] What a fantastic animal A killer whale would be if it didn't exist Imagine if someone told you There's an animal and it lives in the ocean But it's not really a fish It breathes air But it lives in the water And it comes up every now and then for air And they're super smart Smart like a dog Like you can train them And they'll do stuff for you And they're loyal And they'll save you And they're giant And they have huge fucking teeth And they kill sharks And they have a language And you hear them talking to each other They'd be like get Shut the fuck up It passed the reefer You're making up some nonsense you know like by in contrast like how boring is bigfoot what the fuck gives a shit yeah it's just another monkey he doesn't do anything he doesn't kill people he doesn't they don't know find huts that big foot built they're like whoa he smart he hasn't dated brittney spears or anything like that he needs to fucking cause some controversy bigfoot bigfoot is like so out of the loop people will find big foot i still though if i found him if i was uh if there was a special that was on television and they found bigfoot i'd be fucking drilled riveted drilled into my chair, riveted to this action.

[1900] Yeah, if they were like CNN right now, like they found Bigfoot, would be like, shut it down, everyone fucking go to the computer and watch.

[1901] Could you fucking imagine that?

[1902] They should make a Bigfoot movie where Bigfoot's actually a chick, but she's really nice and hot, like, you know, just a little bit hairy, and the guy, like, starts dating Bigfoot.

[1903] Yeah.

[1904] Yeah, she always has...

[1905] Dude, you should be a movie producer.

[1906] I want to give you all my money.

[1907] I think you've got some brilliant ideas, Brian.

[1908] You might have a real talent for this.

[1909] It'd be like Megan Fox, but her whole body had like a six o 'clock shadow.

[1910] You know what I mean?

[1911] Like she has like that little hair tent and you have to constantly shave her.

[1912] Dude, werewolf on a plane.

[1913] That's what I got out of this podcast.

[1914] Don't steal that, you fucks.

[1915] There's anybody out there?

[1916] On a plane, it just lands.

[1917] Let's say the 28th or 27th?

[1918] Today's 28th.

[1919] It's like Trigger Treat.

[1920] This shit is documented, son.

[1921] Trick -a -treat is this weekend, man. Yeah, well, some places actually have it Thursdays because they don't like to have it on weekends because they don't want kids to have to wake up the next morning and go to school so they don't go crazy the whole night, you know?

[1922] Oh, really?

[1923] So a lot of places have it actually on Thursday.

[1924] Whatever happen to kids just finding out what it's like to not get much sleep.

[1925] How about that?

[1926] You know what I'm saying?

[1927] Will we protecting them?

[1928] Oh, well, we want to make sure you get a solid eight hours there, fella.

[1929] Why, I don't.

[1930] Yeah, what the fuck?

[1931] You got to let them know.

[1932] Like, oh, it sucks when you don't get eight hours sleep, you go to school and you're stupid.

[1933] You should know that.

[1934] That's an important lesson.

[1935] It's better to learn that shit when you're doing math in the ninth grade that it is to learn it when you have a fucking job and you're 27 and you fuck up and lose your job because your performance sucks because you're not getting any sleep.

[1936] Yeah.

[1937] God damn it, that's my message.

[1938] I've got a message.

[1939] My message is stop nerfing the world.

[1940] Let those fucking kids get nutty.

[1941] Let them do whatever the fuck they want to do.

[1942] The who said it right.

[1943] The kids are all right.

[1944] Wasn't it the who said that?

[1945] I don't know.

[1946] Who said that?

[1947] The kids are all right.

[1948] Yeah, that's, Is that the who?

[1949] Fucking weak -ass bitch.

[1950] What do you got for me, Brian?

[1951] I got to close this bitch out.

[1952] You got something good?

[1953] By the way, what was the name or what was...

[1954] Oh, D. Antwerd?

[1955] No, D. Antwerd used to be another band, and that was the song that we were playing last week that everybody kept asking about on the podcast.

[1956] You talked too loud Max Normal.

[1957] Yeah, you can find out on YouTube.

[1958] It's not a video, but it's just a song with us.

[1959] Let's play it on the way out, Brian.

[1960] Fuck it.

[1961] Play it on the way out.

[1962] Max Normal.

[1963] Your internet's too.

[1964] I have to go on YouTube right now.

[1965] But here's a...

[1966] This internet is so sad.

[1967] Yeah.

[1968] It's the cable.

[1969] Cable goes out in and out all day.

[1970] I've been finding that lately.

[1971] I've been people asking, why is you stream podcast cut out?

[1972] That's why I keep cutting out.

[1973] It actually seems to be up right now, though, Brian.

[1974] What do you got here?

[1975] This is LCD sound system.

[1976] It's better not be as gay as that shit you were playing yesterday.

[1977] Hey, thanks to the podcast, or thanks rather to the fleshlight for sponsoring the podcast.

[1978] Thanks to my pal Steve Renazizi Thank you very much For having me I appreciate My man We've been in the trenches together That's right Back in the day Bitches Next week I am at Cap City Comedy Club With Joey Cocoa Diaz A rare rare event I smuggled Coco to Texas No warrants in Texas So he's gonna be good I can't take him to Canada Where I may be filming My next Comedy Central special In April I'm not saying Lots of bringing Lil Esther to the Austin shows.

[1979] I'm bringing Brian's little pal, little Esther.

[1980] They're going to sleep together in one room with two beds.

[1981] Nice.

[1982] One leg on the floor at all times.

[1983] If you've never been to Cap City Comedy Club, it's one of the best fucking comedy clubs in the country.

[1984] It is.

[1985] Austin's one of the best cities in the country.

[1986] I can't wait.

[1987] Steve Renazizi, where you at this week?

[1988] Next week I'm at Governors.

[1989] Governors in Long Island.

[1990] That's right.

[1991] Levittown.

[1992] Fuck yeah, son.

[1993] Old school.

[1994] Going home.

[1995] That's a real place.

[1996] That's a real goddamn club.

[1997] Governors is awesome.

[1998] What nights are you there?

[1999] November 5th and 6th.

[2000] Which is Friday and Saturday?

[2001] Friday and Saturday.

[2002] Two shows?

[2003] Two shows, 730 and 10.

[2004] Go see Steve Renazizi.

[2005] He's a hilarious stand -up comedian as well as a good guy, and he's also on that show, The League, which is on FX.

[2006] What nights?

[2007] Thursday nights, tonight.

[2008] Halloween special tonight.

[2009] I'm watching it.

[2010] Thank you, everybody for tuning in.

[2011] Next week, supposedly we're going to have Bobby Lee on the show.

[2012] It's going to be a weekly gag like Matt Damon.

[2013] He's trying.

[2014] Look, I appreciate Bobby.

[2015] He's a flake.

[2016] me all right uh that's it we'll see you guys next week and uh see you in austin and as always love you bitches yeah