You Don’t Have To Take It (Disrespect)! A Tough Approach

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[24] No, you do not have to take disrespect.

[25] you do not have to take abuse from your kids.

[26] Being calm does not mean being a pushover, right?

[27] And I want to try to help you draw that distinction between when are the times where you're like, okay, something's going on here.

[28] I need to get to the root of it.

[29] And sometimes when it's like, okay, I get it.

[30] Child's anxious, just blown off some steam.

[31] And when it's not only disrespect, it's disdain, right?

[32] And I don't want you to be a pushover because this is not a about just, you know, letting your kids run everything.

[33] No, being calm doesn't mean a pushover.

[34] It doesn't mean that you talk like this and that you try to get to the root of everything.

[35] Sometimes there are lines that are crossed and those lines need to be enforced very quickly and very decisively.

[36] So that's what we're going to talk about on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[37] So welcome.

[38] This is Kirk Martin.

[39] I'm founder Celebrate Calm.

[40] You can find us at Celebrate Calm .com.

[41] If you need help, reach out to our son.

[42] Casey, who occasionally got full of himself when he was younger and he would cross that line and he was met immediately with, oh, you just crossed the line.

[43] That is not going to work in my home, right?

[44] We'll go through that.

[45] But you reach out to Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, celebrate calm .com, tell us about your kids, ages of the kids.

[46] What are you struggling with?

[47] And we will get together as a family.

[48] We talk about it.

[49] We reply personally and very quickly because we want to help.

[50] It's a family mission.

[51] Look, this whole situation that we're going to go through, it's part of the reason we want you to take advantage of the Get Everything package or the Calm Parenting Package because I can do a podcast on a particular topic.

[52] But in the programs, I can hit Defiance and Disrespect.

[53] We have an entire program on that.

[54] So I can hit on 10 different ways of looking at it and dealing with it.

[55] So you get a fuller practical step -by -step guide than I can do on the podcast.

[56] but let me deal with this very very particular one so let's draw some distinctions right like let's say you've got a child who struggles with anxiety let doesn't like going to new places so you're trying to get your child to go to that new taekwondo class well along the way on the way of the car you may get the you know stomping his feet no i'm not going taekwondo's stupid you're stupid now look to me is that disrespectful of course but is that pure disrespect is that disdain for you?

[57] No, that's a child who feels anxious, who doesn't want to go, but he's not mature enough to say, mother, father, all of these unknowns that that new class represents, that's very scary to me. So could we have a talk about this?

[58] Could you help me deal with my anxiety?

[59] Look, if they can talk like that, you could, life would be a lot easier.

[60] But they don't know, and sometimes you don't know what it is.

[61] But see, that's a lot different than a child who looks at you and just says, you're a B word, right?

[62] Or this one, worst effing mom ever, or I effing hate you, right?

[63] That coming from an older child, that's not just disrespect.

[64] That's blatant disdain, which to me is even deeper.

[65] And I don't want you to put up with that, right?

[66] I don't want you to have to say, like, well, I know he's really stressed at school.

[67] Fine, your child's stressed at school.

[68] Let's give him some tools to deal with that stress.

[69] But under no sense, circumstances, should a child, just because he's stressed, get to talk to his mother or father like that?

[70] Does that make sense?

[71] Now, I've done an example before where, say, at the kitchen table, mom and dad are there, and there's two kids, and the dad asks his strong will child to do something, and the child refuses, and the dad says, you know what?

[72] Why do you always have to be so difficult?

[73] Your brother never gives me any problems.

[74] And that child replies back, f you, dad.

[75] Well, is that disrespectful?

[76] Yes.

[77] But in that case, there's a whole litany of things underneath the surface that just are bubbling up in that moment.

[78] And so that I use as a guide to, okay, something else is going on in the relationship, which in that case was the child favors the good child, right?

[79] And is resentful toward, doesn't really like a strong will child.

[80] And it comes out in dad's words all the time.

[81] So see, there, that's a different ballgame.

[82] And that's where, in that example, I always wanted the dad to, you know, after he gets done yelling and screaming and sending his child to room for the rest of the month, right?

[83] That's when dad has to realize, okay, the root of this, something else, our relationship is broken.

[84] And that just let me know how broken it is.

[85] Let me go up and heal that relationship, right?

[86] Doesn't mean you encourage it or say, like, I really express the way you express your emotions, right?

[87] You don't say that.

[88] But in this case, oh, let me give you one more that's not that big to me. You know, a toddler saying, I hate you, mommy.

[89] Why?

[90] Because you wouldn't give them something they wanted, a snack or a toy.

[91] I hate you, mommy.

[92] Look, that's just a little child being brilliant, right?

[93] It's only disrespect if you take it that way.

[94] But in that case, I'm dealing with a toddler.

[95] And so I'm not going to take it that personally because all it is is a little kid who didn't get what he or she wanted, being brilliantly manipulative, going right for the jugular because what hurts a mom more, right, than I hate you, mommy.

[96] So again, I'm not going to give in and give them fruit snacks, and we can deal with that.

[97] But that's not blatant, like, that's not where you draw a line.

[98] I mean, you can't.

[99] With a toddler, you have every right to say, look, I get that you're disappointed.

[100] You don't get to talk to me that way.

[101] That's perfectly fine.

[102] I'm just not that bothered by it because I realize inside, if you look at it in a different way, it'll make you chuckle a little bit of like, of course she's going to say that, right?

[103] I said no to her.

[104] She really wants it.

[105] So now, right?

[106] And in that case, I can almost take the energy out of it by in a way saying, okay.

[107] Okay, this is a smart kid, right?

[108] But here's the one that I really want to deal with.

[109] And again, you have ever right in all these situations to go hardcore.

[110] But this is what I want to save it for.

[111] That child is says, you're a B word or worst effing mom ever.

[112] I effing hate you.

[113] Or just the tone of voice that they talk in.

[114] And I would say what I draw the line with is disdain, right?

[115] where it's showing utter lack of regard for you as a human, for you as a parent.

[116] Now, don't overreact because the guys who listen to this, you're going to take, my child didn't look me in the eyes and that means he's disrespecting me and so I'm going to draw the line.

[117] No, that's just, I've been through that one, right?

[118] That's just a child who only gets eye contact when he does something wrong and he's probably afraid of you.

[119] So I don't worry about that.

[120] So let me deal with this one, this disdain and, um, Let's give you some very specific language and action steps.

[121] You're just going to have to try this.

[122] Use your own language what comes naturally to you.

[123] Now, in this case, right, I always like looking under the surface, but sometimes you don't have to seek to understand, well, I knew he had it.

[124] He's really stressed about school.

[125] Fine, but that doesn't give him the right, and there's no circumstance under which he should say, your I effing hate you.

[126] Okay, does that, I hope that is coming through.

[127] okay so the way i want to respond not react i'm going to respond tough firm matter of fact i'm going to be decisive i'm going to handle that head on right now here's the distinction i'm not going to make it personal i'm not going to be out of control i'm not going to tell them how much it hurts me you can do that if you want just not my style but here are some here are a few different examples in different situations so your child utters that And I want you to confidently, see, part of the reason I like you listening to the podcast, that I want you to go through the programs continually on, in the back of your head, always hearing it, is so that you can respond to situations with confidence.

[128] Right.

[129] So when that happens, when Casey would occasionally do that to me or to my wife, there isn't a meeting.

[130] No, that just crossed the line.

[131] that is not going to happen in my home not under any circumstance do you ever refer to me as that and with that i would flat out refuse to do anything for that child until i got an apology until we got to the root of that and the root of it may simply be disdained because they've watched you be they've done it before or maybe they've seen a spouse do that to you or they got too full of themselves, which is what would happen to Casey sometimes.

[132] I don't have a problem with refusing, right?

[133] No, if you think that you're going to talk to me like that, then I'm going to turn around and get in the car and drive you across town to do an activity you want to do.

[134] Not happening, my friend.

[135] Not going to happen.

[136] Look, there's nothing personal about that.

[137] You know what?

[138] You're a disrespectful little snot.

[139] How do you think you're ever going to be successful in life if you talk to people like that?

[140] I do so much for you.

[141] You should be grateful for everything I do.

[142] After all, I do for you.

[143] There's nothing personal in that.

[144] There's no personal attack.

[145] I'm simply drawing a boundary and saying, no, that's not happening in my home.

[146] It will not happen to me. Nobody talks to me like that and then gets respect back.

[147] Not happening, my friend.

[148] Right?

[149] And whatever language you want to use, okay?

[150] Now, here's, you can add this or say it separately, I don't care.

[151] Son, daughter, it's okay for you to be stressed and frustrated.

[152] It's perfectly fine for you to be angry.

[153] You could even say this.

[154] If I were you, I'd be angry too.

[155] I would be angry.

[156] I'd be frustrated.

[157] I'd be stressed out too.

[158] But under no circumstances, will you ever refer to me like that?

[159] Never.

[160] It is never, ever.

[161] ever okay to talk to me and use those specific words, right?

[162] So you're drawing a distinction.

[163] I'm fine.

[164] Look, if you were to, this is a different example, but if you were to take your child's, take their cell phone away from them this weekend because you've determined that you made a mistake and gave in to peer pressure and gave your child an addictive tool and put it in their hands and now it's completely changed your family's life and your relationship.

[165] because they can't handle this iPhone, right, or Android that you put in their hand, and you end up doing the right responsible thing.

[166] I'm not advocating that you have to do that or should do it.

[167] I'm saying if you were to do that, you said, look, they're going to be upset.

[168] They're going to be furious at you, right?

[169] And in that case, I could say, if I were you, I'd be angry at me too, because I gave in.

[170] I did something I knew that wasn't good for you, and now I'm taking it away.

[171] And so I expect that you would be angry at me. I get that.

[172] But watch, there's a difference between being angry at me, being disappointed in my decision, and flat out showing disdain toward me. I hope that makes sense, right?

[173] So I would occasionally have to do this with Casey if he spoke with disdain toward my wife.

[174] And it sounded like, hey, Case, nobody talks to my wife like that.

[175] Nobody.

[176] If another man, another human came into this home and started speaking to my wife, to your mother like that, oh, there would be issues.

[177] That's not happening, son.

[178] That's not happening.

[179] Right.

[180] There's nothing, there's no label you're putting on the child.

[181] It's, I like, it's just saying this is over the line.

[182] It's not happening.

[183] And then I declare martial law.

[184] No, I will not do things for you.

[185] Not until this is taken care of until there's an attitude change in your tone toward me or towards your mother.

[186] Now, here's an example that is very frequent.

[187] And please take this the right way in context.

[188] I see this a lot when parents get divorced.

[189] So you've got a single mom, and she was married to a guy, a husband, who would talk down to her, who would scream at her, who would speak to her disrespectfully.

[190] Well, guess what?

[191] The kids watched it happen.

[192] So now they're divorced.

[193] Dad's out of the house, and oftentimes what happens is the kids aren't going to take out their anger on their dad because they know that a dad's, look, I'm not being funny with this, but a dad's love is a little bit more tenuous sometimes.

[194] Right?

[195] They know that like, oh, well, if I just irk him enough, he's just going to cut me off.

[196] But a mom will love you forever.

[197] So what happens?

[198] The child takes out a lot of this on the mom.

[199] right and so sometimes an appropriate thing to say sometimes especially for an older child in this situation is son or daughter i know you've heard your dad talk to me like that but that stops now i know you heard that your father i heard your you heard your father talk down to me use certain words with me that's not happening anymore we are not perpetuating that cycle that stops now right I want you to develop a voice that can be now this is good this week let's work on that voice that is tough that is firm that is decisive this is matter of fact now we're not pleading like you know it really hurts me and so I really want you to think about your words no I don't want to do that in this case right and I don't want you to think there's I don't want there to be that like push over thing of like, well, we just need to be gentle with our kids all the time.

[200] No, I'm not being mean.

[201] There's nothing in anything I've said in any of those situations that was mean to any of those kids.

[202] I didn't say anything personal.

[203] I didn't make personal judgments against them.

[204] I just said, that's not happening.

[205] And if that continues to happen, all privileges gone.

[206] If you expect that I'm going to take you anywhere or do anything for you, it's not happening because I need to demonstrate self -respect because clearly they're not respecting you, right?

[207] So there's nothing mean in there.

[208] It was just letting them know, oh, I just crossed the line.

[209] Instead of just wondering, like, how do I deal with?

[210] Does that make sense?

[211] I hope it does because I want you to be confident.

[212] I want you to teach your kids.

[213] Look, I just said, a thought popped into my head of saying, like, I wasn't being mean.

[214] What's being mean is allowing a child to think that, it's okay to treat any other human being with disdain because it's not okay now i can choose not this is separate discussion to not respect someone because of certain maybe way they do things or because they continue to lie or they're cheating on things so i lose respect for someone but that's different than talking disdainfully to your parent right so If you have questions, reach out to us.

[215] We're really good about answering back as you go through the programs and the Get Everything or the Calm Parenting Podcasts.

[216] If you have questions, say, hey, I'm listening to this program and I needed some clarification.

[217] We'll answer back.

[218] So, reach out KCCA -S -E -WiteColm .com.

[219] We love you all.

[220] Hope you will share this podcast with other parents who are struggling with this.

[221] This week, let's practice in one situation, even if it's not disdain.

[222] Just practice the tone of voice.

[223] Honey, that's not happening.

[224] That is over the line.

[225] Mm -mm, not here.

[226] I'll give you one more as I close.

[227] Look, this isn't even defiance.

[228] This is a common example.

[229] I use a seven -year -old kid jumping on the sofa, right?

[230] He's not just purely being defiant, right?

[231] He's just being a seven -year -old kid.

[232] But I'm not going to go in and be like, hey, buddy, there are springs on the sofa.

[233] Please don't do that.

[234] No, my tone is, hey, jumping on the sofa, not happening in my home.

[235] Not happening in my home.

[236] right there's nothing personal i'm not saying you're a horrible kid i'm just saying that's not happening but i love your energy if you want to come help me use that energy right help me stir the soup or walk the dog or do something else and give you an adult job shove all the mulch in the backyard because some of your kids love adult jobs see i can do it that way and i can be tough and firm without making it personal so maybe that's it for some of you is well i don't want to be mean because these kids already struggle and they don't feel good about themselves.

[237] Yeah, I know that, but we don't have to make it personal, right?

[238] Let's try that this week.

[239] Let me know how you do.

[240] Okay, love you all.

[241] Bye -bye.