#341 - Ben Hoffman

[0] The Joe Rogan Experience Join by day Joe Rogan podcast by night all day Powerful Ben Hoffman Thank you join us buddy What's up guys How about that fucking David Lee Roth Podcast Did you like that?

[1] Dude, here's what I loved about that I'm not saying this to I didn't want to start with the ass kissing But I'll do it anyway David isn't he kind of the king of the Just like the interviews where we just like Again nothing against him but like he his normal interviews are just like kind of one -liners and like yeah he's he's covering up for something he doesn't he prepares in this kind of scenario he can't yeah for two hours you can't just sit here and do like bippity bop and stick stick is the word I'm looking for he just does I've seen a million David Lee Roth interviews and he just does his fucking stick yeah I'm like who is this man you don't know anything right right but he came in you're stuck here for two out you know like in a good way or bad way but god that was a great fucking David Lee Roth interview yeah we're He found that, yeah, it was, first of all, it was surreal as fuck.

[2] Just sitting there talking to David Lee Roth going, that's really David Lee Rock.

[3] Shows up by himself, okay?

[4] Zero entourage.

[5] Kind of Ben Hoffman style.

[6] And suspenders, or what are those things called those?

[7] Yeah, yeah, suspenders on.

[8] Like, oh, no, um, overalls.

[9] Overalls.

[10] He used to wear that shit and no shirt.

[11] He was wearing overall.

[12] Underwear.

[13] Dude, he's cool as fuck.

[14] He's just a regular guy that happens to be one of the greatest rock stars the world has ever known.

[15] I mean, the things he's seen, man. And when you say it to him, you know, like, well, you know, listen, man, you're one of the greatest rock stars the world has ever known.

[16] He's like, yeah, I guess.

[17] You know, he's like, I mean, he's not a fool.

[18] He's well aware of who he is, but he doesn't let it get in the way of anything.

[19] He was living in Japan.

[20] Yeah, that's what he was saying the other thing, but it was just weird to see him.

[21] It was almost like out of character.

[22] Yes.

[23] He was like seeing him as a human, which you don't think of him as, he's like a superhero.

[24] Right, I know, yeah.

[25] It was his cool.

[26] Well, I was really fortunate that I hung out with him one night.

[27] the comedy store so i got to see the real davidly roth he came it was one of the weirdest things ever like you don't ever know who's in who's in the crowd when you're on stage because the lights are bright and you get off stage and all of a sudden you see someone and he go oh wow you just watched that you know and davidly roth comes up and he goes hey man i just want to tell you i didn't think you were going to be funny like what the fuck man he blew my mind he was like it was so nice he goes i just assumed like that's the fear factor guy seems like a nice fellow.

[28] How funny could he be?

[29] Holy shit.

[30] And he was like just super like charismatic and hilarious.

[31] We hung out with him for fucking hours, right?

[32] Yeah.

[33] Like two hours.

[34] Just chilling at the store.

[35] A few years back.

[36] And we have it.

[37] Actually, I have it all on video.

[38] The conversation.

[39] The whole entire thing is on video somewhere in this humongous pile of the archives.

[40] Yeah, we should get that somewhere.

[41] I don't think we, he wanted that out.

[42] No, his, his, uh, manager contacted me. Like that shit on fire, actually.

[43] Yeah.

[44] Oh, yeah.

[45] It was already destroyed.

[46] I take it back.

[47] Did a little conversation.

[48] about Porsche.

[49] My'd have talked about Porsche.

[50] Joe, your shirt is so bad.

[51] Can you show your box real quick?

[52] If people can see the shirt, it says House Rogan.

[53] I got this from Game of Thrones today.

[54] They sent me this box.

[55] It says House Rogan on it.

[56] And I guess they're sending these to all the supporters of the Game of Thrones.

[57] People who are like super fans.

[58] And I couldn't stop talking about the show.

[59] Ever since I started watching it, I'd been tweeting it like crazy.

[60] And apparently it got back to them.

[61] So they sent me this fucking amazing box that says House Rogan on it.

[62] And when you open it up, it plays the theme song and it has two DVDs in there.

[63] Blue Rays.

[64] Yeah, two, um, the first season and the second season, which I already own.

[65] Show the Scooby -Doo.

[66] The Scooby -Doo part of the best.

[67] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[68] There's a secret button.

[69] When you press a button, this thing pops out and a scroll.

[70] It's called an HBO boner, right?

[71] It's, I guess you would, you would hide your drugs there after you got rid of these PVDs.

[72] Oh, that's a good idea.

[73] If you want to hide it.

[74] By the way, just to clarify, I'm guessing they're not sending it to all superfans.

[75] Some of them, just the top tier of super fans probably, get the giant, I know, you're a super fan.

[76] I know Patten got one.

[77] Patton Oswald showed the first picture.

[78] That's how I knew what it was before I opened the box.

[79] Oh, really?

[80] Because it looked like a cigar humidor.

[81] And then I remember seeing Patton's photo.

[82] And I was, I said to my wife, I'm like, I told her what it was, before I, I opened it, but I was like, God, if I'm wrong, I'll be so sad.

[83] Right.

[84] So this is the scroll.

[85] They put a scroll in a secret compartment.

[86] They have to press a button.

[87] It says Loyalist of House Rogan.

[88] The new season of Game of Thrones is almost here.

[89] Show your passion for the series and use this limited edition case to share your exclusive Game of Thrones content with your followers.

[90] If you've been waiting for a reason to catch up, consider this it.

[91] Rall, your fans, March 31st cannot come soon enough.

[92] Wow.

[93] Yeah, pretty bad out.

[94] I wish they would send me a girls one.

[95] That's pretty cool.

[96] Use panties or something.

[97] I'm not show girls.

[98] Big fan.

[99] They have that show girls?

[100] Yeah, it's like sex in the city for us, younger age.

[101] It's sex in the city for girls.

[102] Is it good?

[103] But for younger, it's like younger crowd.

[104] No, it's entourage for girls.

[105] They have four on sex in it, though.

[106] Entourage with sex in the city for guys.

[107] Oh, right.

[108] And this is entourage for girls.

[109] Entourage never did a goddamn thing for me. I don't know what it was.

[110] I tried.

[111] I gave it a shot, but I would watch Entourage and I'd go, okay.

[112] It's like the scenery.

[113] I mean, everybody looked pretty.

[114] Yeah.

[115] Girls have straight up porn in it, though.

[116] Like, it's pretty much watching a porn.

[117] Yeah, they went, they show shooting on the chest, like loads on the chest and everything.

[118] You know what?

[119] Really?

[120] I'm going to go buy that.

[121] They show loads on the chest?

[122] Yeah.

[123] What?

[124] Yeah.

[125] Wait a minute.

[126] How do they do that?

[127] I don't know.

[128] Because it's, uh...

[129] So, like, the girls copying her tits, and you see, like, jizzing it.

[130] You just see the afterwards of aftermath of hymns.

[131] shooting on her chest you actually see it hit uh i can't remember i think it was just on the chest so you just see it you see her tits raw tits i can't i can't remember i'll find you're acting like you didn't rewind it yeah now you know you're fucking hedging with bets here what happened what what really happened did you see loads on tits yeah you did you saw look you see loads on tits i don't remember if he was showing a shot on her tits or if it was just after and so this is just about a bunch of freaks who live together and fuck the shit out of everybody pretty much Good?

[132] Yeah.

[133] I just got into it.

[134] It's so good about it.

[135] It's just, uh...

[136] You heard the part about loads on chest?

[137] Hot chicks.

[138] Hot chicks.

[139] That's all over the internet, man. That's 90 % of the internet.

[140] It's funny how little that's represented in the real world.

[141] It's like finally loads are starting to represent in modern media.

[142] It's about time.

[143] It's a big part of people's life online.

[144] Loads are a huge part of people's life online, but in, you know, on Comedy Central, you rarely see loads.

[145] Do you think it would screw you up if you were a kid now watching all this?

[146] internet porn yeah and you would think that's how every how sex is supposed to end well they say that a lot of girls are having anal sex now because of that that wasn't really nearly as common in the 80s 90s what have you it's crazy it's crazy me to think like yeah it doesn't every porn you watch basically end like in the face most of them do yeah like in like if you're a kid if i was watching that i'm like that's how babies are made i guess i would think you know well i don't think they're thinking about making babies i think they're thinking about fucking and the problem with that is you're watching people don't fuck like people really fuck you know like it's not normal for a girl to spit on your dick and then you just shoving in her ass like that is pretty rare I'm saying I'd be weird to be a kid nowadays I wonder how that would fuck with me. It fucks me hardcore well look porn has made one dominant victory in our culture and that's in the world of pubicare porn dominated crabs is going away did you hear about that really because of that because everyone's shaving but there's no more crabs that STDs you're more more likely to catch STDs when everyone's shaved.

[147] Really?

[148] Yeah, so crabs over STDs, I think they'll take crabs.

[149] I guess you're right.

[150] Why is that?

[151] Because you're closer and more contact and stuff?

[152] Yes, I guess.

[153] Maybe the natural flora in your pubic hair acts as some sort of a preventative barrier.

[154] Like why you're supposed to have eyebrows, it keeps the sweat out of your eyes.

[155] Yeah, that's what it's there for, right?

[156] Yeah.

[157] I don't know if that metaphor works.

[158] That's what it's for, right?

[159] I mean, that's exactly why it's above your fucking eye.

[160] No, that's what eyebrows are for.

[161] I'm not sure if that's the pubic hair metaphor word.

[162] And people that are from really funky climates, that's why they have that unibrow.

[163] It's for the whole face, bitch.

[164] They don't want it on the nose.

[165] They don't want it rolling down into your eyes.

[166] You don't get the unibrow in the blonde communities because they're freezing their dicks off up in Iceland.

[167] That's true.

[168] Right?

[169] But you want to go to Persia.

[170] Those motherfuckers are hot.

[171] It's hot over there.

[172] I never thought about it like that.

[173] That makes perfect sense.

[174] Yeah, I'm dropping science on you, Ben Hoffman.

[175] I had no idea.

[176] Pubic hair was supposed to attract birds, actually.

[177] I was saying before I needed to learn more about eyebrows and pubic hair.

[178] Pubic hair was supposed to attract birds.

[179] Yeah, and they were supposed to make nests on your crotch.

[180] You need to think about some of the shit before you say it and wonder if it's worth doing.

[181] Because that one wasn't.

[182] I say no. Don't you whatever me, fuck.

[183] You save that shit from muff said, okay?

[184] On this podcast, I want your A game.

[185] So, Game of Thrones, they also send you a flash drive with a bunch of images and social media.

[186] They give you, like, a banner that you can put on your Twitter page that says House Rogan.

[187] Look at the...

[188] Oh, that's pretty badass.

[189] Oh, it's got your name on it.

[190] That's crazy.

[191] Yeah, I'll throw that shit up before the premiere.

[192] It should have the premiere.

[193] It's doing its job, too.

[194] Yeah.

[195] Yeah, they're fucking badass, man. That is a really clever use of marketing.

[196] HBO, knocking it out of the park.

[197] Yeah, HBO's on top of shit.

[198] They have so many fucking good shows.

[199] The show loads on the chest, too.

[200] Apparently, allegedly.

[201] I'm not buying it I would have heard about that this motherfucker sun tan lotion he thinks it's loads no no it was loads it was after sex hits his head and runs straight over here and gets on the mic did you hear no research did you hear about that kid in Ohio that were wearing the Ohio the killer shirt and all that shit he shot up he shot up and killed I think three people in a school and then he got life and he's getting life in prison but what he did is he took off his shirt he had like an outside side collar shirt on and during the like hearing the last hearing he took off his shirt and it said killer and then he like looked at the victim's eyes like his last words is like I want you to know like this hand that shot your kids I used to masturbate every night or something like that and huh thinking about them you know and they said that yeah look look look at this fucked up kid man when was this this was yesterday and uh and yeah it's this big thing right now Because now, you know, like, they're getting, the people are getting in trouble because how did he get that shirt past the security guards and stuff like that?

[202] And I guess, you know, it just, uh, just caused, you know, all the families to burst out in tears and all this.

[203] I mean, this kid is a fucking piece of shit in his sister.

[204] Why are you talking about this?

[205] Because we were talking about, like, how porn was affecting kids earlier.

[206] And I'm just talking about, like, how kids have been, like, these crazy kids nowadays.

[207] Well, there's always been crazy people, man. I don't really don't want to dwell on this guy, though.

[208] I don't like talking about this kind of shit.

[209] I think the worst, not only that, this whole.

[210] serial killer thing, it feeds off of you talking about it.

[211] That's how these guys get this idea in the first place have become special, because they know that if they do something really fucked up, a bunch of people will talk about it.

[212] And that's not inevitable, but there's a lot of things to concentrate in this life.

[213] If you want to start concentrating every day and how many fucked up people there are in the world, you become Nancy Grace.

[214] Yeah, I'm just saying this is what's hitting the news if you heard about it yet.

[215] That's what everyone's talking about.

[216] Why are you blaming that on porn, though?

[217] No, I'm just saying how fucked up kids are nowadays.

[218] It's one kid.

[219] Most kids are not.

[220] With the school shootings.

[221] This is the greatest time to live ever as far as violence.

[222] There's some people that are fucked up, but the amount of them, in comparison to the rest of the human population, it's way less.

[223] This is the safest time to ever be alive.

[224] It's 300 million fucking people in this country, and every now and then, one of them blows a fuse.

[225] I like your view, though, of not giving them the coverage.

[226] That's an interesting way of doing it.

[227] Don't give them the fucking time of day.

[228] Well, it's just, you can concentrate.

[229] on that for every show every day if you want it to there's enough out there there's constantly fucked up things out there but that kind of shit like someone trying to fuck with the family after he kills him i don't want to talk about that guy that's not a i don't like that i don't like hearing about it it's the the whole idea behind it that this kid can get away with something like that if we live in a world that makes sense when someone does anything remotely fuck up like that you beat them to death you don't you don't bother feeding them and housing them and taking care of them you you beat them to death that's what you do and you save money doing it you do it with the fucking club and you just smash his diseased brain and then you move on but we live in this pusified world where a cunt like that can say that in front of those people and not have the normal real normal healthy reaction which is just kill him he's broken That's a damaged human being that will never get better And you have to kill them You don't house them, you don't feed them, You don't put them in a fucking special room Or they can't touch other people You kill them Because there's no reason for them to be around There's nothing you're going to learn from them All you're going to do is find out what made them fucked up And you're not going to prevent that Unless you've got fucking cameras in everyone's bedroom From the time of kids born To the time they finally escape their cunt parents And become a psychopath And go roaming through the streets killing people to try to fill some hole inside of them or whatever the fuck is wrong with them.

[230] But we don't do that and that's what drives me the most crazy about watching those things.

[231] It's not just that people like that exist, is that people like that only exist because we don't have community anymore.

[232] Our system of government, our system of laws, when it's set up to deal with bad people, we, for whatever fucking reason when someone's a horrible piece of shit like that, want to show that we're humane and show that we have morals and we have morals and we have laws and we have a certain way you shouldn't do that you should beat that guy to death and let everybody know that you can't do that to people you can't torture and kill people you can't try to hurt the victim's family by saying something fucked up because you're a mess just get that thing dead get that thing dead and off the planet let's move on this picture I got to say I'm with you on that one you got to do with all of them all pieces of shit you got to there's got to be a real reason to not be a piece of shit the problem is they're raised by horrible people and then the other problem is who's to say whether or not a person's guilty who's to say whether or not a person really did do this when you have a case like that where not only did you do you know the guy did it he's joking around about it yeah that's a dead man and if he's not a dead man we live in a pusified society that's allowing people like that to exist you should never let him get to that point somebody probably knew he was fucked up a long time ago they should have got together had a little conversation and put his lights out you seen the staircase No, what is that?

[233] This documentary about this guy who killed basically It's not definitive But he basically killed his wife You gotta see it It's the best fucking documentary It's like this What I think eight part No one here's seen it This eight part documentary That was on Sundance He claimed his wife Fell down the stairs I don't want to give it away Because you have to watch it And it's like You find it all this crazy shit But He says his wife fell down the stairs Turns out Actually I'm not even going to say The next part What I'm saying?

[234] Go ahead.

[235] Turns out he had another woman he knew years before who also fell accidentally fell down the stairs.

[236] This is a well -to -do, like, a really wealthy man, a novelist who, like, you would never suspect.

[237] But they had cameras running the whole time.

[238] It was fucking, and they just aired a special.

[239] They had cameras running when they interviewed him, you mean.

[240] No, cameras running in his house the whole, during the whole trial.

[241] The first thing, as soon as they found out about it, they went to his house.

[242] Can we document the whole process?

[243] And they have the whole thing It's the staircase You can get on Amazon It's awesome So do you think he's innocent at first And then towards the end You started thinking that he's going to Yeah but it's It's enough He throws you man Because I have friends who've seen it And still like You know I think he's innocent So there's enough up in the air That may be But there's too much coincidence For me personally Two wives fall down the stairs Well the first one wasn't a wife It was a friend It's one of his best friends It's a whole thing I mean there's just It was a girl Yes Both girls Yes One was, one he adopted, again, I'm giving way too much.

[244] You could probably kill someone pretty easy by throwing them down a flight of stairs.

[245] I bet most people would die.

[246] But of course it looks like an act.

[247] He kicked him down a flight of stairs.

[248] But do you want to know the ending?

[249] Sure.

[250] He's off.

[251] Really?

[252] Yeah.

[253] Whoa.

[254] They had just, this, this documentary aired like five years ago.

[255] So you believe he's guilty?

[256] I do, is my belief.

[257] But, and he was in jail until like a year ago, and they aired this special addendum to it that he got out.

[258] Wow.

[259] Yeah, people get away with shit, man. There's some psychos out there.

[260] And there's also people that live with horrible people in that you fucking just feed off each other's hate, and you get to the point where you...

[261] But that's the thing that throws you about this documentary is his family seems like all great people.

[262] It throws you.

[263] Especially the kids.

[264] What was the wife like, though?

[265] When I never saw, she was dead.

[266] Yeah, who knows?

[267] Maybe the wife was a problem, and he had to kick her down the flight of stairs.

[268] Yeah, I mean, maybe maybe he had a good reason.

[269] I don't know.

[270] It's no good reason.

[271] to do that.

[272] I'm kidding.

[273] I'm Jake.

[274] I'm Jay and.

[275] These are just jokes, folks.

[276] We're just trying to find a way to talk about this.

[277] Yeah, there was a show.

[278] Do you remember HBO's Dr. Michael Badden, the autopsy shows?

[279] Remember those?

[280] You ever see those probably?

[281] Yeah, it was disgusting.

[282] I mean, I didn't watch full episodes, but I tried to watch me. Well, he busted a lot of murderers because he would, you know, through forensic evidence, they'd find, like, one small thing.

[283] When did this there?

[284] Oh man It was seven years ago I missed that song Several several years ago A lot of really creepy shit on it But one of them was this guy His wives just kept dying These fucking people Man It's like They get my lucky day He got away with it once And he figured Well fuck it man I don't know how to do this And probably wet your appetite I'm sure And I bet they also feel like As long as they don't go to jail for it No one's even going to look into it Like oh look They said it was an accident She died Oops and then also the next one dies and he goes no, no, the other one was an accident, okay?

[285] I told you was an accident.

[286] This one was an accident too.

[287] Like, hmm, that's when people close in on you, son.

[288] But these kind of documentaries, too, when you see, because you get, you get thrown because you see the prosecution and the defense and you hate them both, both lawyers.

[289] So then you're like, who the fuck is right?

[290] Because both of the lawyers are so fucking annoying.

[291] Yeah.

[292] It's like, which side do I hate them both, kind of in a way?

[293] Well, it's got to be hard to be a person that operates.

[294] in the legal system and tries to get bad people off that's your job and then you gotta go out and face the world knowing that like what if he got that kid with a t -shirt what if he got that kid off somebody has to be that kid's lawyer right what if somebody got that kid off on a technicality you know what if there was like some contamination of evidence or what have you and that that fucking kid got free at what point are you allowed to say like I just can't do this I want to know if that kid is on prescription medicine like all the other ones I want to and there's fucking girls supposedly that are tweeting that they're in love with him because they think he's cute oh boy that happens a lot man yeah that guy the um richard ramirez he got married in jail people love that man yeah he's the nightstock he would stump girls heads in and crush their skulls and he's got people to visit him in jail mcky mallory knox who's that the uh the movie uh natural born killers where they were glorified us you know like superstars almost well to a lot of people that live in a world of shit and that that is a problem with our society that lack of community that we talked about that's that's a big problem man when people are allowed to grow up living in a world of shit when there's not enough people to be around to be friends to love to you know to support people when you just on your own living in a world of shit and abuse and you grow up to be a monster you know we're this disconnection that we have with our neighbors and disconnection we have with our coworkers and, you know, this lack of, like, real deep, meaningful friendships that so many people have in this life.

[295] That's one of the big holes that people have over and over and over again.

[296] If you find, like, really angry people, you find out that they're loners.

[297] You find out that they're rejected.

[298] They don't have loved ones.

[299] They don't have good friends.

[300] It's rare.

[301] I'm kind of a loner.

[302] Now I'm getting worried about myself.

[303] I'm worried about you from the moment I met you, son.

[304] Exactly.

[305] But I do have some friends, so I'm not one of these crazy.

[306] You're not a loner.

[307] You know what I'm talking about.

[308] But I like being alone.

[309] The people that are just, like, keep themselves at work, don't have conversations.

[310] That's the guy who's going to come in with a gun and shoot everybody, right?

[311] Yeah, exactly.

[312] There's something about humans where we desperately require each other, and we have to be aware of that.

[313] It's, it's, you can say, you know what, man, I don't, I like to be alone, people annoy me. No, you like to be alone sometimes.

[314] We all like to be alone sometimes.

[315] You do not want to be alone forever.

[316] You don't.

[317] You'll be horrified.

[318] You'll be terrified.

[319] You'll be miserable.

[320] you can live where people around you all day, every day for the rest of your life you can live fine Maybe it'll be annoying sometimes You know maybe you'll be looking for some peace and quiet You won't get it as much as you need it But you'll be fine If you live by yourself You'll go fucking crazy You'll commit suicide You'll jump off a cliff You'll become friends with the volleyball Yeah like Tom Cruise Yeah Tom Hanks Tom Hanks Tom Hanks percent more gay at least that volleyball would have been popped a long time ago volleyball would have lipstick on it and holes in it up his butthole you mean oh why would you put lipstick on your butt hole what would they do that might be a good what would they teaching you over a comedy central son I don't know that's teaching me crazy shit teaching crazy shit um so thank you to HBO for this this hookup it's the coolest thing I've ever gotten ever this Game of Thrones thing and thank you for the t -shirt it's pretty badass that's how you promote things The other way to promote things is Come on this podcast, Ben Hoffman.

[321] Oh shit, what an intro.

[322] That's a segue.

[323] The Ben Show.

[324] Thursday's at 10 on Comedy Central.

[325] We got nothing like this.

[326] How many have you done so far?

[327] The third aired last week.

[328] So people are watching this live, right?

[329] Some people are watching this live.

[330] Some people are getting this on iTunes.

[331] If you're watching it live, there's a special sneak peek tonight at 1030 after workaholics.

[332] But on iTunes, this is going to mean nothing to you.

[333] well they'll get it tomorrow morning it's on tomorrow it's on Thursday but it's on Thursdays at 10 for everyone else and we got five more episodes left and I think they're funny but actually I've mixed feelings I'm not a big Ben Hoffman fan but overall I think it's pretty good how many of you aired so far we've aired three and there's five more and it's a I'm trying to it's like a sketch comedy show mixed in with like man on the street so you see me in my real life like if we were shooting right now I'd be shooting this oh there's a clip So you would come in and do it?

[334] We'd be shooting this if this is, yeah, if I was shooting the show right now.

[335] So it blurs the lines.

[336] This is a fake audition.

[337] So can they watch this right here?

[338] Sure.

[339] A lot of tough talk.

[340] You're a gangster granny, you're pissed off, and, uh, let's do it.

[341] He's a real old lady's trying to audition for a part.

[342] Are we ready?

[343] With a gun on.

[344] Listen up, everyone.

[345] Now get your hearing aids out of your pussies and assholes.

[346] for us they're going to cover this place with their devil semen and burn it to the ground and for what for a fucking big money business company well we can all sit here in our own shitty diapers or we can exercise our second amendment rights and get some mother fucking guns holy shit wow that was really good Sounds great.

[347] All right, action.

[348] Boom, poop, pooh, respect the elderly, motherfucker.

[349] Perfect.

[350] I got to turn my hearing aid off.

[351] Shit's about to get loud.

[352] Ah, you motherfuckers.

[353] Time to move into a home.

[354] A funeral home, cucks.

[355] That was great, really great.

[356] And the last one is I came here to do two things.

[357] Hand out hard candy and blow some motherfucking dicks off.

[358] And I'm all out of hard candy.

[359] I came here for two things to suck some heart candy and suck some dicks what was the line?

[360] I came here to do two things and what are they?

[361] Hand out hard candy.

[362] And blow some fucking dicks off.

[363] And blow some motherfucking dicks off.

[364] Cossucker.

[365] All right, you got the part.

[366] Great.

[367] Yes, so we put that out.

[368] We put out this casting call.

[369] over LA that we're looking for this new we're doing a new movie we didn't tell them this Comedy Central show we said this new movie called Gangsta Granny by a tough talking grandma and we need old ladies to come in an audition and we gave them sides like you know I don't know if they're going to read this and every fucking you know people want to work yeah they all read this fucking thing and then so we felt bad so then we shot a scene from the movie well you got to realize that the grandmas of today if you're dealing with a 67 year old lady of today that lady was like rocking it in the 70s so you know what I'm saying the the grandmas of when we were children who were like in the 50s these are 70s grannies so they parted their dicks off already they were like having they were having a blast yeah I'm sure that was the weird thing you know every audition you see like that exposes just how fucking easy acting really is oh dude we did we did four different fake audition things throughout the series and because listen I've been a million of those auditions and as bad as they weren't as funny as it was they were no better of ours to me like they would have beaten me in any role i mean i just got lucky and got the there's a lot of people out there that are auditioning for parts that could do it easily that's why i love when someone like chustin timberlake becomes a big actor because he's not an actor he's a fucking singer i love when like an athlete does it becomes a a really good actor because it shows you it is not hard it is one of the easiest things to do ever you remember the words and then you pretend and it's not that hard to do and some people do it better than famous people and they easily could be famous people and they easily could be Yeah, that's why I wanted to put a lot of real stuff in the show, because I'm just like, aren't real people just as funny as fucking actors?

[370] Yeah, there's a lot of funny fucking people out there.

[371] They just have never figured out how to make a living off of it.

[372] Totally, like, growing up, like, didn't, I always tell my friends, like, were you the funniest kid growing up?

[373] No. Exactly.

[374] Like, I hung out with a lot of funny kids, but all my friends were funny.

[375] I just, for some reason, decided to get into it.

[376] I wasn't even close.

[377] Yeah, but there were so many funny kids who were just, like, want, they want to be a doctor or work at a bank, or, you know, whatever.

[378] whatever it was.

[379] The funniest person I ever met in my life was a private investigator.

[380] Really?

[381] Yeah, it still is.

[382] His name's Dave Dolan.

[383] Dynamite Dickless, Dave Dolan.

[384] I worked for him when he lost...

[385] He has no dick?

[386] He used to call himself.

[387] He's crazy.

[388] Dynamite Dickless, Dave Dolan.

[389] He already sounds funny.

[390] He's crazy.

[391] And sober, too, by the way.

[392] When I met him, he had just lost his license from drinking and driving, crashed his car out of a tunnel and tried to run on foot from the cops.

[393] Holy shit.

[394] He was fucking crazy.

[395] And he was a private investigator, so he needed someone to drive him around because he lost his license there's a is that not a sitcom right there yeah so uh private investigator who can't drive and yeah so uh i uh i responded to the job you know on it was like some newspaper or something like that i called them up asked him what it was all about what the hell we're supposed to be doing and uh started working for him so i worked for him for whatever it was 90 days or something like that until his license was uh brought back it might have been six months uh but then he got his license back and uh didn't need me anymore and i was by then i was sort of starting to get gigs but you started but you still hang out with him yeah yeah i'm so friends with him i'm i'm i go back and you know talk to him whenever i'm in boston got him tickets to the ufc he's a great guy that's awesome he's an awesome dude but he's fucking hilarious he was always hilarious we would go on these things and most of what the insurance uh or most of what private investigation business is is insurance cases it's uh people that are they're getting work compensation and they're they're lying and working on the side and you catch them working that's you know or they're suing and they say oh my back is horribly injured and you catch them doing something like carrying something heavy and so we that's a lot of money they're saving if they bust them yeah well a lot of people they'll claim to be injured if they're on the job you know they have some sort of a job and so we would have to sit in front of people's houses we would get there at like four o 'clock in the morning when it was dark out parked the car and sit and wait for this guy to go to work because we had to follow the guy to go to work so we'd be in this car bored out of our heads and we would just start talking shit and then it would be like yeah i knew this one girl and she was so fucking crazy and he would tell some story about a girl he dated we would just start howling and i i remember thinking like crying in this car he and i just sitting there five o 'clock in the morning you'd already decide you wanted to get into comedy at the time yeah that was one of the reasons why i needed uh another job is because when i was right when i was working for him is when i stopped uh teaching my martial arts and I stopped competing as well I got to this point where I was like you know what I got to pick one thing or the other and you know this comedy comedy is what I really want to do and I don't fighting is just going to give me brain damage like I got to get away from that and I got to really focus my energies on this I need some sort of a job so I quit teaching I was teaching at a school and I was teaching at Boston University and so I quit all that and then got this private investigation job that's what was the craziest thing you saw on the job nothing really really wasn't that crazy at all we never we never really we never really we never saw a guy working you had to like confront him or anything no it was now you never would confront them you know you would just take a picture of them or you would uh confirm that it's them or you know it's kind of sad like one time we got this one lady have I ever told the story in the podcast before about we had this lady and one of the ways he would get information was he would find someone's address and you know like he would know who they were he would know like from the insurance company one of them was a woman who was injured on the job working for delta and there was a reason to suspect that she was still working while she was collecting workman's compensation so we got her address and her license plate number and then he wrote on a piece of paper her license plate number followed by a bunch of license plates numbers that were similar to it close to it and then he knocks on the door and he said oh yeah i'm i'm hoping you can help me out.

[396] My girlfriend was in a car accident and the cops.

[397] They wrote down the license plate number for the witness, but someone spilled some coffee on it.

[398] So it's either one of these four numbers.

[399] And we checked these two.

[400] And I'm hoping it's you.

[401] And he would describe an injury that was the exact same injury as the one this woman had.

[402] Like, you know, show, she herniated her disc and this.

[403] I just recently had that.

[404] You're kidding.

[405] Wow.

[406] So the woman goes, would you guys like to come in and have some coffee?

[407] Okay, we're fucking men.

[408] okay two men and you know and I I don't I would have never trusted me at 21 years old I looked like a fucking psychopath and he was a nut you know he was this crazy nut who's was willing to crash his car in a fucking tunnel and then run on foot and this nice lady just invites us into her home so we're sitting in her kitchen like some coffee sure man thank you very much oh really I really hope you can help me here you know because uh you know katy or whatever the girl's name was that he made up you know she's uh she's such a good person and, you know, this whole thing is just such a tragedy.

[409] And she's, well, you know what, honey?

[410] I've been through that exact same injury and I think she's going to be okay.

[411] What happened to you?

[412] Oh, I fell on the job.

[413] You know, oh, you're getting paid, right?

[414] Oh, yes, yes.

[415] Not only am I getting paid, but I started working for another airline under my maiden name.

[416] So she gives up the ghost, right?

[417] I'm just sitting there shaking my head.

[418] And so we leave, we get in the car.

[419] And I go, you can't turn that lady in.

[420] She's too nice.

[421] He goes, fuck her.

[422] He goes, fuck her.

[423] She goes.

[424] That's what he kept saying.

[425] I go, really goes, fuck her.

[426] She goes, she's a fucking crook.

[427] He goes, that nice lady is costing that company money because she's lying to them about being her.

[428] I'm with him.

[429] I'm with him.

[430] That's a shitty thing to do.

[431] Yeah, fuck that job.

[432] She's such a nice lady.

[433] I still, to this day, I feel bad about that.

[434] That's a clever way of doing it.

[435] He was a wizard.

[436] He was so good at that.

[437] He was so good.

[438] And it would be different things for different people.

[439] Like if it was a younger woman, I would talk to her.

[440] And, you know, he would say, like, you know, like you know make it like you know you're interested in her and then get some information out of her like we would would find out things about like people that work there do you know mike are you mike's friend and like um do i know you i know joe a mike's friend i know you you're mike's friend right i never saw you with mike i know fuck where do i know i know you from somewhere is mike okay yeah yeah yeah mike's okay yeah is he did he get compensated for that yeah oh they're taking care of him oh that's good that's good but i heard he was working for his brother.

[441] She goes, I think that's under the table.

[442] Oh, all right.

[443] Yeah.

[444] Well, fuck.

[445] Tell him I said hi.

[446] Tell him Joe says hi.

[447] And then the next thing you know, you know about Mike working under the table.

[448] That sounds like a fun.

[449] I know it probably wasn't at the time because no jobs are fun.

[450] But that sounds like a fun job.

[451] It was not the worst job.

[452] It was fun because, look, any job could be awesome if you work with awesome people.

[453] You know, I mean, I remember I had a job at Newport Creamery when I was in high school.

[454] It's like an ice cream place that flipped hamburgers.

[455] Yeah.

[456] But the boss was a fucking funny guy.

[457] He was a cool guy.

[458] And when I knew he was working, like the certain manager, I'd be psyched to go to work because it was going to be fun.

[459] You're going to be going to have fun people.

[460] I always had the shit.

[461] I don't think I've ever had a fun job, ever.

[462] I've had quite a few.

[463] I've been real lucky.

[464] But this was a really fun one.

[465] It was, you know, it wasn't like the easy.

[466] It had to be up at 4 o 'clock in the morning because you have to catch people before.

[467] But if you're sitting in a car with a funny guy, I'd be fine.

[468] I just think being a private investigator would be like the most fun job.

[469] Gary, though, I mean, he's been attacked before.

[470] You know, I think he got attacked in a case.

[471] I don't remember the story.

[472] I think it was a wife thing.

[473] Oh, that was one really fucked up one.

[474] There was this one guy.

[475] We went to investigate his girlfriend or his wife.

[476] He had a feeling that his girlfriend was cheating on him.

[477] So he hires Dave.

[478] And Dave goes and gets pictures of the girlfriend with this fucking stud.

[479] this guy's just a gorilla just some super athlete I don't know what the fuck the guy did 6 foot 3 240 pounds solid muscle looks like he lives in the gym okay and he's making out with the girl is squeezing her picking her up she's wrapping her legs around gets all these pictures brings him back to the guy and the guy starts crying he starts crying like cheaters yeah yeah yeah and he goes okay keep following him and he was like what she goes he goes I just want to that this has happened more than once.

[480] It doesn't just a one -time thing keep following.

[481] So then he gets pictures of this guy just guerrilla fucking this chick.

[482] Oh, my God.

[483] Just, just a, and he goes, I want you to keep following.

[484] He goes, I'm not going to keep following him.

[485] And he goes, you look, you got to do what you got to do.

[486] But this is, I'm done here, you crazy asshole.

[487] Again, you're not, that sounds like a fun job.

[488] I don't know.

[489] I wasn't a part of that one.

[490] I wasn't a part of it.

[491] That was like, wow, I was working for him.

[492] I was, you know, it was in transition.

[493] And then like, it was like.

[494] Watching people fuck.

[495] I do that for free.

[496] on the internet but this was a crazy one you know we he could have gotten you know somebody catches i figured that would be a more popular one than the insurance claims but i guess the people cheat no no his well his that was i believe that one came because he was referred to them by one of the companies that he was that he had been successful with and so a guy either that worked for the company or owned the company was the guy he was it was a rich guy who he was uh using and this woman and he had taken care of her he put her up in this beautiful place and the guy was like super super wealthy but he couldn't stop that giant alpha dick from getting in there he just got fucked but the thing is he wanted us to well we wanted Dave it was like it was like right when I started working for him like I maybe hadn't actually started working for him but it was like when we started hanging out together it just happened and he had given me the one of that's a weird fetish that he wanted the guy to keep filming it the guy definitely had he had a kink going on.

[497] There was a little something.

[498] He wanted Dave to keep taking pictures of him.

[499] And Dave's like, hey, fuck you, you know, this is over.

[500] This job is over.

[501] I'm not giving you jerk off material.

[502] You know, he just pictures this guy with a finger up his ass.

[503] Just screaming as he comes, looking at those photos.

[504] Again, you're just pitching movies here.

[505] It sounds like, it's a pretty, pretty solid script.

[506] I'm thinking to add in werewolves.

[507] Who plays the guy who fingers his ass?

[508] Um, Who's the guy that played pig vomit in the Howard Stern movie?

[509] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[510] Oh, I sat next to him on a plane recently.

[511] He's awesome.

[512] He's the best.

[513] The guy from sideways?

[514] Come on.

[515] No, I know it.

[516] I know it.

[517] It's on the tip of my tongue.

[518] I'll pull up sideways.

[519] God, I just sat on it, like literally sat on a fucking plane with the guy.

[520] But he would be a good guy for screaming as he was coming.

[521] I don't want to talk bad about him.

[522] What's wrong with that?

[523] It's not bad about him at all.

[524] Paul Giamond.

[525] Paul called Jim.

[526] I blanked on that.

[527] Yeah, he's fucking amazing.

[528] That guy is, he's like my favorite pissed off guy ever.

[529] He's the best, and I was sitting on a plane with that.

[530] I didn't really talk to him, but a friend of mine who knows him, I emailed afterwards.

[531] Like, hey, you know, I sat next to your friend on a flight home, and she's like, emails back.

[532] She's like, she said that you were a very nice gentleman.

[533] So I bragged all my friends, and they told me that was the lamest thing to brag about that they'd ever heard, that I was just a polite guy.

[534] I'm not supposed to be an asshole.

[535] Because, like, dude, Paul Giamatti thinks I'm a real nice gentleman.

[536] That's a good thing.

[537] Well, you know, that's probably one of the things that he says.

[538] He was a nice gentleman.

[539] But basically what he's saying is he didn't remember me. Oh, I don't think you're probably nice to him.

[540] And I was listening to Stern in my headphones.

[541] That's hilarious.

[542] What are the odds?

[543] Yeah, so I go, you know, I just, I didn't want to say anything, but, you know, you're great in that Stern movie.

[544] He's like, oh, thank you.

[545] He's like, it was a click in his ear to, like, all right, got to stop talking to this guy.

[546] This guy knows who I am.

[547] Right, right, right.

[548] But he was very nice.

[549] Well, I'm sure it gets annoying every now and then when people associate with you with a character that you played to.

[550] Called pig vomit, yeah.

[551] An super asshole boss.

[552] You were the best asshole ever.

[553] Yeah, exactly.

[554] And he was so fucking great.

[555] And he was good at being that pissed and sideways, too.

[556] Yeah.

[557] This whole train of thought came from the question of whether or not you were funny in high school, whether you were the funny guy.

[558] That's where we got to my friend Dave and all this shit.

[559] Yeah, but I was saying.

[560] that too like because that seems to be the questions everyone thinks if you're a comedian like you can listen to me right now and know that I'm not that funny but you could but you could also like I think if you asked my friends back home you'd be like oh yeah Ben was funny but they wouldn't go like dude he was the funniest fuck I'm from Kentucky right um I'm wearing the UK hat to to promote the fact that they lost in the opening round of the NIT yesterday and are completely out of arch madness but by the way I don't even know what the fuck any of what you just said means You don't know you watch college basketball?

[561] I don't even know the rules.

[562] There's people listening right now who are talking shit about me, so I decided to show some time.

[563] They were?

[564] No, they'll be talking shit when they hear this.

[565] Well, how rude of them?

[566] Yeah, those fuckers.

[567] I was going to ask before, too, not to not talk about me, but you're going to Nashville.

[568] Do you go there much?

[569] No, I haven't been there in a while.

[570] That's where my mom's from.

[571] I go there all the time.

[572] I love it there.

[573] I love it there.

[574] But there's, I've just put out a new special about a couple months ago, September or something like that.

[575] Five bucks, right?

[576] yeah five bucks on joe rogan dot net it's called live in the tabernacle and uh i basically put together the next hour already but i have a bunch of new shit that i want to work out and so the best way for me to do that is to do a club that i don't go to very often and i haven't been to this place in like more than a year like i think it's like two years since the last time i've been and this club zanies in nashville you've ever been there i've never been to the i just i go to my grandma's house and shit.

[577] Zanis is a fucking awesome comedy club.

[578] It's like really tight seating.

[579] There's a balcony, but it's low.

[580] It's like, they're right on top of you.

[581] It's an amazing club.

[582] And Nashville's like, it's a rare town, man, because it's really smart.

[583] It's a weird combination of Southern and smart and hip and a lot of musicians and artists.

[584] And Nashville is badass.

[585] Ralphie Mae lives there now, doesn't he?

[586] Like, he splits time.

[587] I think he goes back.

[588] There's a lot.

[589] There's a lot of rock stars living there now.

[590] Did you know that?

[591] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[592] Well, Honey, Honey just moved there, too.

[593] And Black Keys just moved there and all those people.

[594] Yeah, yeah.

[595] Well, it's a great creative environment for that.

[596] And I don't know.

[597] I mean, I guess for comedy, too.

[598] All you need for comedy is, like, one club that's good.

[599] And they have that.

[600] They got Zanis, which has been there for 30 years, you know?

[601] I think they're just all addicted to whiskey.

[602] They just have to be near Jack Daniels or something.

[603] You can get that shit everywhere, so that's not difficult to get.

[604] You wouldn't have to move close to get Jack Daniels.

[605] Anybody here here, like, Old country.

[606] Yeah, love old country.

[607] Merrill Hagger.

[608] Have you been to the Country Music Hall of Fame there?

[609] No. I'd never been, but I was there one time.

[610] Usually I stay with family, but it was a family member's wedding, so there was no place for me to see.

[611] So I had to stay at a hotel, and I had the day off.

[612] So I went to the Country Music Hall of Fame next door.

[613] It was fucking awesome.

[614] Wasn't it really?

[615] I thought it was going to be stupid, you know, Garth Brooks shit and all that.

[616] It was like old school Hank Williams.

[617] Like a lot of the old.

[618] It was really cool.

[619] If you got time, I would go to it.

[620] Garth Brooks is slowly becoming some classics, though.

[621] Like, you know how you have classic.

[622] classic rock i got friends in low places could be a classic country song it's weird you say that because i was at the capitol records building a while ago just got a friend to work there and they have this these plaques on the wall of like every album that has sold 10 million copies right which is not that many so you go to the capital records there were like four beetles records dark side of the moon and just a wall of garth brooks like you don't realize how many fucking albums this guy sold he had like six albums that sold 10 million like you wonder why you don't hear from anymore because he's got more fucking money than any musician.

[623] I think he's doing Vegas now.

[624] I think he started doing concerts in Vegas.

[625] Like, but just with an acoustic guitar, I think.

[626] Really?

[627] Like, it's just him with a guitar, yeah.

[628] Listen, he's a weird fuck, but he's undeniably talented.

[629] Oh, dude, you can't sell that many records and not have something going on.

[630] I got friends in low places is a great fucking song.

[631] If you got a buzz on and that song comes on and you don't get happy, you're a cunt.

[632] Well, if you're that's a little harsh, but I agree.

[633] But no, where I'm from, if you're, you're, If you're drinking and somebody doesn't put that on the jukebox, like something's wrong.

[634] I cannot take that song.

[635] Of course you can't.

[636] You're from Ohio.

[637] You've probably heard it every day of your life.

[638] Where in Ohio?

[639] You're alarm clock every day.

[640] You remember when he did that weird thing, Garth Brooks did, where he put on a wig and pretend to be a different dude?

[641] He was Chris Gaines?

[642] Was that it?

[643] Yeah, something like that.

[644] God, that was the weirdest thing ever.

[645] What the fuck was that about?

[646] When I see those plaques on the wall at Capitol Records, I'm like, no wonder he did that.

[647] He's just like...

[648] Yeah, look at that.

[649] Come on, man. Who let you do that, Garth Brooks?

[650] He grew a little...

[651] A little flavor saver.

[652] A little flavor saver under the lower lip.

[653] And he went total emo, weirdo, like brooding.

[654] That looks like he was in an argument with his label.

[655] He's like, look, you fuckers, I could sell albums doing anything the fuck I want.

[656] He changed my name, put a go -to...

[657] That's what he thought.

[658] He really did believe that.

[659] I think that was...

[660] Was that his last album?

[661] Boy, that's a show.

[662] shitty way to go out if that's his last half of them.

[663] Look at those pictures of them all with the hair just perfectly and that's fine if we don't know it's a fucking wig man. You can't just wear a wig, okay?

[664] That's ridiculous.

[665] That looks, but remember for a while in SNL that was like the go -to joke?

[666] What?

[667] Chris Gaines?

[668] Weekend update was like every joke was like a Chris Gaines joke.

[669] Look how fucking silly he is.

[670] The idea that he thought that he could pretend to be someone different, a different personality.

[671] I'm not the happy country.

[672] guy anymore even though it's the same guy inside my heart when I'm Chris Gaines I'm moody as fuck okay I'm all dressed in black and my flavor saver I even died that and my hair it's all thick and heavy even though you know I'm going bald don't think about that don't think about the wig man think about the persona I'm trying to sell a persona I got this down it's goddamn character you're gonna love my new CD it's Chris Gaines is moody as fuck that's what's I want you to concentrate I want you to concentrate on the shitty music this time Not of my shitty look Two of me but one hard Who am I who am you Who do we become When we're together Who wrote these shitty songs Chris Gaines or Guy Brooks?

[673] We don't know Yeah he became like one of those Stephen King Characters where fucking his eyes Glaze over when he starts writing and He starts going to glossolalia And writing a bunch of shit down like the dark half Remember he had a tumor or something like that I wonder if he's one of those guys Like you know Michael Jackson Like someone who goes super crazy When they get super famous I wonder if he did that But just did it out of the spotlight Because he was as famous as those guys In his heyday And you never heard of a freak out from him Although maybe that album's got this version He left his wife for a while And got some new hottie or something like that Yeah another sister's a singer But that shit's normal That's impossible to avoid When you got the kind of Garth Brooks pussy Pussy going your way What are you going to do?

[674] You know what kind of pussy They're throwing at him pre -internet son Oh, my goodness.

[675] It was just tsunamis of pussy.

[676] And country pussy is hard to avoid, man. Sweet girls with like Georgia accent.

[677] Son, don't lie to me, Ben Hoffman.

[678] If it was coming your way.

[679] If it was coming my way, yeah.

[680] Solid D, natural tits that defy gravity.

[681] What am I saying, son?

[682] I grew up in Kentucky.

[683] And with that all around me, none of it offered to me, not once.

[684] How about now?

[685] How about you got a little TV show?

[686] You got a little something coming your way?

[687] It's not helping as much as I was hoping it would.

[688] You don't have a regular gal?

[689] No. Ben Hoffman, that's ridiculous.

[690] Hey, handsome fellow, you're quick with your wit.

[691] Hey, ladies, if you're on you stream and you're not too big.

[692] I got to live tweet my show tonight, so I'm busy to like, to like eight.

[693] But after that, we'll meet up.

[694] And we'll have a few beverages.

[695] Drinks on me. Whoa, drinks on him.

[696] Yeah.

[697] I got my own show.

[698] I got money for drink.

[699] Yeah, and you could find them on Twitter.

[700] What's your Twitter handle?

[701] At the Ben Show, which is a mistake, by the way.

[702] Why is that?

[703] Just because I realize now I shouldn't have.

[704] my Twitter name be the name of the show.

[705] Why is that?

[706] Because if the show people say, well, no, I don't care about that.

[707] Why would you not care about that?

[708] Because I think the Ben show is a cool.

[709] You want that.

[710] You want that.

[711] That'd be cool, yeah.

[712] No, I don't want.

[713] I don't want the show.

[714] No, I'm just saying people say follow or say watch at the Ben Show.

[715] Right.

[716] And what they're saying is watch Ben Hoffman.

[717] You know what I'm saying?

[718] So it gets confusing.

[719] Watch at the Ben Show on the Ben Show.

[720] Oh, yeah.

[721] That's like I never thought about that.

[722] You could change it.

[723] I know people have changed it before.

[724] I changed mine, actually.

[725] There's some loser who has Ben Hoffman, and he's got 30 ,000 followers, and he follows 50 ,000 people.

[726] How does he have 30 ,000 followers?

[727] Because I'm sure he followed all those bots who followed him back or something.

[728] I tried to get his name from him, but it's fine.

[729] He won't give it to you?

[730] Twitter will give it to you.

[731] Do you know that?

[732] Twitter will just steal it from that guy.

[733] Yeah, they do that for celebrities.

[734] We've got to see if we get a season two before we start stealing Twitter names here.

[735] I think I need some more power before I get that.

[736] You don't need a season two.

[737] What you need is Ben Hoffman.

[738] Hoffman's name you got you you that's your name right yeah you're Ben Hoffman yeah fuck the only is this guy really is it bad than an hour in he asked my name huh no I'm kidding is this guy really Ben Hoffman is that his real name I'm no he claims he's Ben Hoffman he's got to find out when we take care of this I'll got my people get on it right now have your people move in on him yeah because you're right at least make him uncomfortable with a few emails yeah I did that once someone had Ben Hoffman dot com and I threatened to sue him and he's like bring it on and I didn't have lawyers because I just like that's his name Ben Hoffman?

[739] Oh, then you can't tell him.

[740] I know, I threatened to.

[741] Isn't that funny?

[742] Like, you would think, though, because you're famous, your Ben Hoffman name is worth more than his.

[743] Well, I checked the ratings.

[744] I'm not sure how famous I am.

[745] And how long ago was this?

[746] How famous I am?

[747] How long ago was this, that the guy had Ben Hoffman.

[748] Oh, before I had a show.

[749] So you weren't famous at all?

[750] I was nothing.

[751] You're just trolling people.

[752] But that was back, when I wasn't, didn't have a show, I pretended to be famous.

[753] I would email, I'm like, listen, I'm a big celebrity, and you can't have my website.

[754] Did you really say that?

[755] Yeah, I'm like, I was on another show at the time.

[756] So I was like, listen, I have a, I'm on TV, Bob, and they're like, we don't give a fuck.

[757] I don't know, care who you are.

[758] Did you think you actually had like a, like, you could do something?

[759] No, I knew I was talking shit.

[760] I was just hoping that he would get scared and be like, oh, shit, it's yours.

[761] And he was like, I had half a brain and was like, leave me alone.

[762] Half a brain, shit.

[763] Those fucking half brain.

[764] I mean, he had the brain I have, which is, you know.

[765] Yeah, there's a guy that's on Joe Rogan .com.

[766] And apparently, I did not ask for this.

[767] And please stop doing it.

[768] but people send him horrible things and including like someone wrote some whole thing about him he's a real estate agent wait a second he has joe rogan dot com he has joe rogan he has joe rogan dot com it's his name you're joe rogan dot net yes all right it's his name he wanted to sell it to me but he wanted just some fucking ridiculous amount of money how much it's more than $80 ,000 or something like that fuck off something crazy it was like what it's not hard to find me you know madonna won that lawsuit though can't find me through google but that no it's his name his name is joe rogan but people sent him they wrote something up about don't do that pride take that off take that off come on i don't want to pick on the guy it's just his name you know the guy is a real estate guy but people send him rude shit whoever sent him rude shit please stop he's not a bad guy just doesn't want to give up his thing so he said he would give it up for a shitload of money and he doesn't have to give it up at all why should he do it for less than that he doesn't want to it's his business you know i don't have a problem with it i'm with you but but saying that large amount is to me annoying but i guess no but i guess but i guess but i I guess what he's saying is I don't want to give it up.

[769] Yeah, he doesn't want to give it up.

[770] So he says, I'll give it up.

[771] I don't want like a year's salary.

[772] That's like, you know, there's nothing wrong with that.

[773] I guess that makes sense because he's like, this is how I make my money.

[774] Yeah.

[775] It's my business.

[776] If you're going to pay for my business, I'll give you the name.

[777] And as far as like website domains go, like there's been website domain names like business .com.

[778] Wasn't that sold for like millions of dollars?

[779] Oh, there was a bunch of people right when the internet started who made millions.

[780] Like before that was became, because that's illegal now.

[781] Yeah.

[782] How did you not do that, Brian?

[783] That seems like something you would have jumped on a bunch of cool domain names and sell them.

[784] I have like 30 domain names.

[785] I just don't sell them.

[786] Yeah, but I mean like a really cool one that's valuable.

[787] I have a bunch.

[788] I have Coca -Cola .com.

[789] Yeah, but why wouldn't you like put them out for sale?

[790] Like, if you have a bunch because I think it's something that it's fun to collect, kind of like old comic books, but I'm not really trying to.

[791] You have any that you think could make some serious, can?

[792] Yeah, I think so.

[793] Well, one of the funniest things that Brian ever did was a thing called Pepsi Spice.

[794] Do you remember Pepsi Spice?

[795] Do you remember Pepsi Spice?

[796] No. Pepsi Spice was some fucking.

[797] bizarre idea that someone in Pepsi came out with where it's like it was like a holiday Pepsi yeah it was like just the name sounds gross it was gross it was gross so anyway Brian Brian buys pepsiespice .com and puts up this daily blog of him slowly dying of horrible disease because I drank only Pepsi spice for 30 days only Pepsi spice for 30 days it was one of my favorite like things like it was like super size me but Pepsi spice yeah but this was probably before supersized me no this was right during supersized me wasn't because I actually got it based off that oh you got the idea from that okay yeah because I was like all right I might do something where was that what year was supersized me I think it was well this is a Pepsi spice was like 2002 right yeah it was 2004 yeah and I you know it was on like all the websites I got interviewed and right for radio stations and then I got to the point at the very end where the girl I was living with which was Lindsay Lohan at the time I she said she was saying that it was really sick and dying it was not Lindsay Lohan no no that's what I said in the in the blog I was about I had about 50 questions you didn't just clarify that is people Lindsay's people are on the phone right now Lindsay says hi Lindsay is over and she is helping me drink my 10th two -liter she ended up coming to L .A. for the day right over some mokane which was when I used to say that I used to break up mushrooms and mix it with cocaine and snort it and i used to call it mo can me and lindsay would sit around and do mokane all the time this was in the new pepsy spice blog yeah and then i ended up just dying and i started getting like clogged armpits because there was so much pepsy spice that my armpits started getting this huge rash and they were getting clogged and then bow wow was helping me out with money or something like i can't remember but it was really fun yeah here's why i like that so much too why is that any different than supersized me really because why would you think eating nothing but McDonald's is any more or less healthy than Pepsi spice.

[798] It's almost mocking that movie.

[799] You know, a lot of people have disputed that supersized me guys' claims.

[800] I know.

[801] It's kind of interesting.

[802] I want to, you know, I would have thought that there's no way, like, he wouldn't be bullshitting, like, the results wouldn't be that bad.

[803] I mean, it seems, or would definitely be that bad.

[804] But then, I watched his show.

[805] Remember you had that show 30 days?

[806] Yeah, yeah.

[807] I saw some fuckery in that show.

[808] No, I felt bullshit when I was watching the documentary like when he threw up very early in the film i don't know if you remember you were studying it to build your yeah yeah i you know i never really thought of it of any of the show being fake because i actually watched all of his shows like the 30 -day shows and i actually enjoy all of them i never really look at him like oh this is fake well no i know i know one of them is fake and this is how i know it he he did one on hormone replacement therapy and he used well he tried to use a doctor that i know and the doctor said there's no way i would ever do that.

[809] He goes, do you're asking for something completely unethical.

[810] He goes, if a guy wants to get on hormone replacement therapy, first of all, why would he want to do that in his 30s?

[811] You guys, like 33 years old in this television show.

[812] And he goes, and second of all, you don't do it in 30 days.

[813] He goes, he wouldn't even start it for months.

[814] Like, before you do anything, like, where you give the guy hormones, you've got to figure out a way how to optimize his own body's production of hormones.

[815] That's the only way to do it.

[816] Yeah, but I'm sure there's doctors that would do it.

[817] Yeah, but.

[818] Hollywood doctors.

[819] I know a Hollywood doctor that does it.

[820] You're not listening to me. But the reason why it's bullshit is because the only types of doctors that were willing to do what he was asking them to do were completely unethical.

[821] So they made these conclusions on the show about what replacing your hormones are all about completely based on unethical doctors willing to fit within their production schedule.

[822] That's an unethical show.

[823] That's a show that's bullshit.

[824] That's bullshit because, yeah, exactly what you're saying.

[825] The doctor who did it is spewing lies to be on TV to get more business.

[826] And you're spewing lies in order to produce a show within the parameters of your 30 -day time limit.

[827] It's stupid.

[828] I watched that.

[829] I was going, no doctor would just give you testosterone.

[830] They don't look at your test levels and say, oh, your levels are low.

[831] You're 35 years old.

[832] What's going on?

[833] Do you sleep?

[834] They would start looking at you.

[835] You're fat.

[836] First of all, you've got to get all this shit out of your body.

[837] Okay, what are you eating?

[838] Okay, stop eating that.

[839] Start eating this.

[840] You need to eat spinach.

[841] You drink water.

[842] You don't just give you testosterone.

[843] No, they would be crazy to do that.

[844] You're going to break the guy's system.

[845] you would never do that and so in the show the guy gets angry and starts fucking well there's somebody just shot him up with testosterone like he doesn't know what the fuck is going on this isn't how to balance that in his body he doesn't even need i remember watching that i mean i don't know if he could be a good guy i mean nice guy you know whatever with music i just remember watching like watching the movie like so mcdonald's is bad for you that's the that's the takeaway from this film i mean that's why i like the pepsy spice thing it's like no shit if you just live on mcdonald you live on pepsey spice you're gonna fucking exactly it's not supposed to be something that's that's something that you live on every day.

[846] I don't think the President McDonald would say eat it every meal every day for 30 days.

[847] Yeah, but the idea that his whole, that he was like ready to die because of it, man, I'm not buying that.

[848] No, well, I was, a friend of mine was like, I was, I was going to go see the movie and he's like, that's bullshit.

[849] I'm like, well, how do you know?

[850] He's like, because I was, I lived in this apartment once and my dad had a job out nowhere, and I didn't have a car, so I had to live right by McDonald's, and I ate McDonald's every meal, every day for like 60 days.

[851] And I'm here to talk about it, so what the fuck yeah yeah okay there's there actually is quite a bit of criticism of that online of the that movie yeah oh i'm sure yeah supersized me is not the scathing and factual indictment of the fast food industry that morgan spurlock wants it to be yeah there's a there's quite a few people that looked at this and said that doesn't doesn't line up sponsored by mcdonalds yeah look it's interesting you know it's always interesting when you find out how little nutrition is in let's look at the positives If it gets the word out that fat, you shouldn't eat a lot of fast food, that's a good thing.

[852] But you don't want to do it through bullshit.

[853] We have a real sickness in this society where we need fast food.

[854] You know, when you're in your car, you're just pulling and grab a burger real quick.

[855] Like, I mean, it's nice that you can do that, but man, we need to figure out a way to fucking relax a little.

[856] You know, the older I get especially when I'm running around, I need to get a coffee, I got to be here on time.

[857] Do I really need to be there on time?

[858] Do I really need to get a cup of coffee?

[859] what I really need to do is not be as fucking busy.

[860] Like this craziness of being stuck in traffic and not being able to get home for two hours so you're pulling the in -and -out burger.

[861] What we all really need to do is figure out a way to never be in fucking traffic for two hours every day in the week because that's craziness.

[862] And that's a big part of everybody's reality.

[863] And if that's your reality, then it's also possible that your reality is cheeseburgers, grab a quick meal, coffee in the morning because you're fucking sleepy and you've got to throw down a 20 -ounce coffee on the way to work just to wake the fuck up.

[864] That damn espresso machine I was telling you about that my parents got me. That's ruining my life.

[865] My wife got me one for Christmas a couple years ago.

[866] I'm used it more than anything.

[867] Anybody's ever bought me ever.

[868] Except this Game of Thrones box.

[869] You're lucky.

[870] You're lucky.

[871] It's badass.

[872] That's really cool.

[873] Sorry.

[874] It's pretty dumb.

[875] Did your Ben Show box show up yet?

[876] Not yet.

[877] It'll be there soon.

[878] What's in it?

[879] Not season two.

[880] It's all the com they scraped off from that show, Girls.

[881] They put it in a mayonnaise.

[882] jar it's imagine if you saved all your calm has anyone ever done that from the time there were like a young man till today like no it's mine just have a jug by the bed and you jack off into it's weird you ask because i i i've done that weird that i'm here yeah i've done it for a couple weeks yeah growing up as a kid a couple weeks yeah where you would like have like a mountain dew can that when you're a kid you'd just like throw it in by the way are you not joking no no i'm not like when i was younger when i was there like 38 no 16 something like And you're fine with this on iTunes and you stream and stuff?

[883] As long as it doesn't get on Stitcher.

[884] And another thing is that what was even grosser is that I even have a bit about how I used to fuck pillows.

[885] And I would fuck my pillows all the time.

[886] And then my mom would have to take my pillowcases off.

[887] And I just remember looking at my pillowcases like, man, that looks so gross.

[888] It's just like yellow and it's gotten hard.

[889] Yeah, my housekeeper found one of my old T -shirts once.

[890] That wasn't a fun conversation.

[891] What did she say to you?

[892] Mr. Ben.

[893] Yeah, she's like, I - Why do you come so hard?

[894] Why is it so small?

[895] No, she just cleaned it.

[896] She's like, here's your shirt.

[897] I was like, I don't want to wear that shirt.

[898] That shirt's dead to me. That's it?

[899] You're scared?

[900] You're scared of the loads?

[901] Yeah, I, but that's not a shirt you wear to high school.

[902] I always thought that'd be a funny thing if, like, you're in a hurry in the morning, and you just grabbed a shirt real fast, and you get to school and realize it's your comrade.

[903] Loat shirt?

[904] Yeah, you have to wear it all day.

[905] Listen, why are we playing games?

[906] How is that not in America?

[907] Pretending you don't jerk off.

[908] We're pretending he doesn't jerk off.

[909] We all jerk off.

[910] You might as well go to school with a fucking load -stained shirt.

[911] Who cares?

[912] I think I might have one on right now.

[913] I might do.

[914] What if that's a new cool thing?

[915] I'm going to come on this House Rogan shirt and bring it back tomorrow.

[916] I don't give a fuck.

[917] And then we should wear each other's shirts.

[918] What?

[919] Each other's cotton shirts.

[920] Fuck you, man. You just creep me out.

[921] You're wearing a higher primate shirt?

[922] By the way, those have been restocked.

[923] This one?

[924] Higher primate, all of them have been restocked.

[925] Yeah, it's a dope one.

[926] That's a cool shirt.

[927] Yeah, I got a T -shirt company.

[928] It's mostly monkeys and psychedelics.

[929] That's the whole thing It's called higher primate Higher -primate .com I saw it on the website Yeah And you do real estate too, right?

[930] No, not anymore Now, I catered Only to the gay community That's something someone created Like the whole pamphlet about this guy Catering only to the gay community They put it out online Dude, that poll You're kicking ass on that poll I think since we talked about the poll Yesterday you're now up Oh, what's the poll About trannies The tranny MMA fighter That's okay Can I get your back on that for one second Again, I don't like to kiss that but I saw that interview because I was listening to that one but I also saw David Lee Roth that was watching the clip but they were apparently who was somebody was pissed at you about that I don't know but you were very you were almost like knew that the clip was going to get out almost and you were like very politically correct in what you said in a weird way like you don't forget you said transgender even yeah yeah like there's nothing controversial about what you said well I'm not you know I'm not an insensitive person you know even though I'm a comedian When I'm talking seriously about a subject If I was on stage, I might say tranny But I don't want to be disrespectful To what someone's choice is And if I call you a tranny I wish we were good enough friends Where you could fucking take it Okay, I wish You know that I could call you a tranny And you would laugh it off And just be happy to be who Whoever the fuck you were But just the fact that you knew to say Because I'm learning this On Comedy Central through standards And practice is what you're supposed to say Not to say tranny anymore But I was impressed that you said Transgender And all you said was that they shouldn't be this woman, you even called her a woman, shouldn't be allowed to fight.

[931] Or this, no, you called her a woman, you said she shouldn't be allowed to fight men.

[932] That's not fair.

[933] Yeah.

[934] Well, she shouldn't be allowed to fight women.

[935] To fight women, yeah, I'm sorry.

[936] And by the way, she fought women without disclosing the fact that she used to be a man. So that's lying.

[937] And there's doctors that are saying, this is something that we talked about this yesterday, but just in the, you know, the possibility that no one heard that.

[938] or people listening, some of you haven't heard that.

[939] There's mechanical advantages to being a man that are absolutely undeniable, the size of the hands, the width of the shoulders, the fact that you've had testosterone freely flown through your body for 30 years.

[940] Yes, when you go on hormone replacement therapy and take estrogen, you lose bone mass, you most certainly lose some muscle mass, you definitely change physiologically and become closer to a woman, but it's not a woman.

[941] And people will say, well, what about a woman who's just naturally strong?

[942] like a serena williams like a super athlete woman okay that is who she is we're not talking about allowing someone to go from the most vicious and powerful sex the male sex and compete in a violent sport against the softer sex there's aberration people but what but what you're to clear it up you were saying you were saying nothing about the transgender community you were not saying that this particular person should not be allowed to fight women fight women that's it even if it's a race if it's a big game of basketball even we we joked around about there's a 50 year old man um in um california that's uh a transgender and has joined this college basketball team and is playing women's college basketball as a six foot six 220 pound man he's enormous that is insane it is insane but i don't have a problem with it no one's getting hurt as long as he doesn't start like hard fouling or bullying people or something like that using his size and it seems like they all like him.

[943] I don't have a problem with it.

[944] If it was my daughter and she got hurt playing with him because he knocked her over, I might be like, hey, man, that's kind of fucked up.

[945] Yeah, or something along those lines.

[946] But for the most part, I think in non -contact sports, it's probably, you know, I mean, I think the Olympics should probably have a standard.

[947] I don't know what it is.

[948] If they've even figured it out yet, I think they have to.

[949] I think they do have to.

[950] I think it's two years.

[951] You have to be two years of hormone replacement, but I do not think that that should apply to violent combat sports.

[952] I just don't.

[953] What if, if, like, Ronda Rousey was like, look, I want to fight this trigger, you know, would, which should, or transgender?

[954] What?

[955] What?

[956] What?

[957] What?

[958] What is that?

[959] I don't even man. I think that's a safe word.

[960] I don't even know what I mean.

[961] Yeah, that's his safe word.

[962] That's my safe word.

[963] Do you think, do you think she should be allowed?

[964] Trigger!

[965] Trigger!

[966] So, should, should that be allowed, though?

[967] Like, if Rhonda wanted to.

[968] First of all, Ronda Rousey is, obviously, if you're looking at the spectrum.

[969] of powerful females she's at the very top of the spectrum she's a world champion woman's cage fighter you know she is a fucking legit certified badass so this guy um that became a woman was never as skilled as ronda rousey when he was a man and the the strength and the skill that ronda rousey has i'm pretty sure she'd be able over to come some uh a transgender average person but you know what if you found out that Rhonda Rousey used to be a man and that's why she was so badass and flipping people around.

[970] This transgender has knocked three women brutally unconscious in cage fights that did not know that she used to be a man. And she's stopping them like inside of 30 seconds.

[971] Okay, I've watched the fight.

[972] That is not the way a woman moves.

[973] That's the way a man moves.

[974] I'm watching the way she's beating up on these people.

[975] The mechanical advantage is still there.

[976] If you look at her, her fucking shoulder Her shoulders are wide, her arms are huge.

[977] Also, the deception is a part of it, because you should be able to, you should say who you are.

[978] Well, that's a thing.

[979] This is, there's a real problem in the transgender community and in the super progressive community that supports transgender.

[980] They don't believe you should even have to disclose that you used to be a transgender when you're dating.

[981] They don't think that you should be able to, you have to disclose it for work.

[982] They don't think you should have to disclose it for competition.

[983] And I say bullshit because it's not a woman.

[984] You're saying it's a woman because they've been.

[985] changed into a woman and they're injecting women's hormones into it but if you look at them chromosomally that is an xy chromosome that's a man if you if you talk them individually they for the most part they don't like my brother's gay and knows a lot of transgender who he calls trannies but i'm not allowed to say tranny because i'm not gay because you're white yeah exactly but suck a cog just so you could say yeah i should i i'm close suck your brother's cock and then you're done listen you know who said i had to be honest with yeah exactly how do you know you don't know where my mouth is better.

[986] But, like, every transgender who I've met through my brother, totally cool, they always joke about they say tranny, you know, they say like, ha, I used to be, it's a joke.

[987] Right.

[988] I guarantee you all these people I'm talking about, wouldn't give a shit about what you're saying.

[989] There's a lot of the people that are getting super upset are not even transgender.

[990] That's what I'm saying.

[991] I think that's, we're more of those angers.

[992] I don't think the anger's coming from that community.

[993] There's this weird left -wing anger thing going on, you know, that is where people think if you're not progressive and you disagree with them in some way, that it's cool to call you an asshole or a caveman or a piece of shit or whatever.

[994] And I've been taking a lot of this on Twitter.

[995] It's hilarious from people where I have been nothing but supportive of everything except a man who used to be a man fighting women.

[996] That's why I'm supporting you.

[997] Because you went out of your way to just say this specific person.

[998] And you even called her a woman.

[999] Yeah, well, she's not a woman.

[1000] But if she wants to be a woman, I'm cool with that.

[1001] If you want to be a her, that's cool.

[1002] You are a transgender.

[1003] That's what you are.

[1004] And you're a transgender woman, and I am totally okay with whatever you want to do for a living, whatever you want to call yourself.

[1005] I'm okay with all of that, as long as you can't beat up women.

[1006] Because I really don't think that it's fair.

[1007] So why wouldn't women's groups come to your aid and say, we don't want to.

[1008] I think this is a relatively new issue, first of all.

[1009] This is a relatively new issue.

[1010] But Misha Tate, who's a high -level women's MMA fighter, has already said she's one of you the coaches on the next ultimate fighter.

[1011] She just said she would never fight this chick.

[1012] She just said, you know, she wants to, she would need to hear more about, you know, genetics and test, or, uh, body composition and testing.

[1013] Well, I have, you know, like on that same token, like, I have gay friends who like hate glad.

[1014] They're like, they're just taking, they're putting, making us sound like we're prudes and stuck up.

[1015] They just take it too far.

[1016] Right.

[1017] So like, it's like, you know, just everyone needs to calm down.

[1018] Well, there's this, there's this thing in the progressive community where they're really aggressive and shitty with people that has an opposing opinion.

[1019] And they, like, immediately, like, one of the, like, I've had disagreements with people about rules and regulations regarding cage fighting, about decisions for cage fights, and have many more people be way more polite about their disagreements, or I felt that he won because of this reason, but, hey, thanks for the, the forum to discuss this, or people pretty fucking cool and rational when it comes cage fighting fans.

[1020] But people that are upset with me, that disagree with me about this tranny thing, universally.

[1021] have been insulting almost universally and i look at how many how many tweets you think you've gotten about it hundreds hundreds just i don't know no no no put it away i don't even care but less but this has been less than how long um i don't know well we the david le roth thing was last week but less than a week yeah well whatever it is um it's it's interesting that so many people who consider themselves sensitive left wing are also like really quick to insult you for no fucking reason.

[1022] Like really quick, even if you, and even when I've responded to them without insults, you get more back.

[1023] Asshole, shithead, dick wad, just over and over and over again.

[1024] You fucking insensitive pig, you know, like you, you, you, I'd be the first, like, I'm an honest guy.

[1025] I would be the first to tell you if I thought you were being insensitive or if, like, if you were saying shit about, you know, certain, you know, I would say, I wouldn't bullshit you if you, if I thought you were making fun of gay people or transgender or whatever it is, but that was not what you were doing.

[1026] That's why I'm sticking up for you.

[1027] Well, thank you.

[1028] But that's sort of my point.

[1029] My point is that there's a bunch of people in this society that aren't really outraged.

[1030] What they're doing is choosing to be outraged.

[1031] And they're outraged about a lot of shit.

[1032] They're outraged about the state of their own life.

[1033] They're outraged about the progress they have in their career, their romance, their whatever the fuck it is, their weight loss program.

[1034] They're outraged about a lot of shit.

[1035] And when something comes along where they have the green light to be upset about things, then they feel like it's their, they're It's on Twitter waiting to get upset.

[1036] And they feel like it's cool to, like, lash out.

[1037] It's cool.

[1038] It's cool to, like, I'm taking a stand.

[1039] Fuck this and fuck that and fuck you.

[1040] And, whoa.

[1041] Like, we're just talking about a guy who gets an operation and now is allowed to beat the fuck out of girls.

[1042] And I'm just saying that I know a lot about beating the fuck out of people.

[1043] I'm a professional cage fighting commentary.

[1044] I've been involved in martial arts my entire life.

[1045] and I know a lot of trannies and I know trannies that look like girls I met a tranny once she was tiny she weighed like 100 pounds and you you would never know that this was a girl or wasn't a girl that this was born a guy I made that mistake a couple of times I found it happened a bunch of times we had one on the man show she called herself vanity and she was a beautiful man really really pretty and she also had a dick that looked like a poisoned monkey cock it was like black It was like she was slowly poisoning it by feeding it estrogen It tastes the same?

[1046] I don't know I didn't even I was drunk at the time The um The this woman what we had we did we had the show called This is one of the things about working for Comedy Central I'm sure your experience is probably more positive than ours Because we were coming in sort of to a pre -existing show Jimmy and uh Yeah and they had a lot of ideas about what it should and shouldn't be One of the things was we had a show called Make previous regime and yeah I don't know these people Yeah those fucks they're done They're done you're dead the um they had we had a show called make me hard and make me hard was uh we would put a like a box onto your cock that was supposed to like recognize when you got a boner and there was a light bulb on it and light bulb would flash red whenever your dick got hard so we would have things like major eating bananas and course your dick would get hard and this really ridiculous shit so we had this woman who was yeah she was in a bikini and i'm telling you there's no way you would not know that she was born a man she's hot as fuck if you were stuck in a deserted island with her you wouldn't even care that much as long as she kept her pants on yeah she's pre -op okay so she's uh she's on top of this guy and she's pouring whipped cream all over her enhanced breasts which would looked amazing um the guy's sucking the whipped cream off of her her breasts everyone's going fucking crazy then she pulls her fake or pulls her pants down to reveal her poisoned dick yeah this withered bonobo monkey dick looks like mine And, of course, then the light starts flashing like crazy.

[1047] The guy's dick got hard as a rock.

[1048] The audience let out one of the most tangible moans I've ever heard, like one of the most, like, visceral, like, down to your DNA moan.

[1049] It was like, as soon as the cock came out, it was like, oh, oh, it was just, no, like, thinking about the fact this guy had just been sucking on this girl's tits, whipping, you know, whipped cream, sucking whipped cream off her tits, like seconds ago.

[1050] All the way, by the way, he's tied up.

[1051] You can't move.

[1052] This box is on his cock.

[1053] It's crazy because my show, they have to, is it up there?

[1054] No, we're not going to do that.

[1055] We did audience testing of our show, and one of the first bits I did on my show was my buddy Brian, who's gay.

[1056] Not you, you're not his buddy.

[1057] There's other brines in the world, you fuck.

[1058] Yeah, exactly.

[1059] You're my buddy now, but he was my buddy still.

[1060] He's gay, so that app grinder where you meet guys.

[1061] You know the app grinder?

[1062] So I get on Grindr, I try to get him laid through the app.

[1063] Right.

[1064] So we send the show to audience test.

[1065] This is what I heard, because I never saw the results.

[1066] It's like, once the audience saw that scene, they were done.

[1067] Like, they will not watch this show.

[1068] Like, they just, they thought the whole show was, like, it almost made me not go to air because the, the audience is like, this is a gay show.

[1069] What?

[1070] And that crazy to think?

[1071] Wow.

[1072] That, like, they couldn't, what happened, what I heard was that the, you know, people stopped, you know, they moved the meters and all that shit.

[1073] People just tune, like they're done.

[1074] Like, there was funny stuff after.

[1075] I thought that piece is really funny, which is actually airing.

[1076] It's going to air it.

[1077] It is, so I give them credit for airing it.

[1078] But they're just like, this is gay, and I don't want the testing people to think I'm gay, so I'm not going to say I like this show.

[1079] It's not even, it wasn't even, you know, it's just me trying to get my buddy late.

[1080] First of all, you have to think who's testing the show.

[1081] Those are the people that don't have jobs, that they pay to sit down and watch these things.

[1082] And a lot of those people are crazy.

[1083] I was going to say I give credit to the network for ignoring that.

[1084] data yeah that's just cool them to say listen these guys didn't like the show because they thought it was there's a gay scene so fuck it i think one of the things that we've learned is that there's only one way for a unique vision to get onto television whether it's uh or in any form whether it's a movie or me it's got to be this one person's idea ben hoffman what do you think it's funny go with it and if you're good and if you you understand social boundaries and And if you understand how to display something that might be controversial and allow people to sort of see where you're coming from, they'll accept it.

[1085] Or enough people will accept it.

[1086] And then also they'll gravitate towards it.

[1087] They'll go, hey, this Ben Hoffman, this guy's for real.

[1088] His show is good.

[1089] I appreciate that.

[1090] That was the whole vision of the show, which is people always ask me, like, how did you get this show on this?

[1091] It's crazy.

[1092] You got this fucking thing on there.

[1093] How'd you do it?

[1094] And I'm not making this up when I say this.

[1095] The goal of the pilot, because I was getting a lot of, it's starting to get more writing gigs.

[1096] And I wanted to get better writing gigs.

[1097] decided I'm going to make a pilot that's just to get me better right I'm saying this to be completely honesty I don't want the show to get picked up that was my mode of thinking I go I want to make the most the craziest pilot ever that people will see in the industry and say who the fuck is it I got to meet this guy we can't air this is unerable I got that note at one point this is unerable and it was it was not like it was not for air it's just going to be totally me so instead of having to send writing samples I could send this commie central pilot out to people and then make me seem more legit But then I get a call like, oh shit, Ben, you're not going to believe this.

[1098] They fucking love the Bible.

[1099] Which is great.

[1100] But at the time, it was not even a goal of mine, which is almost the best way to do it, which is I'm just, I'm not going to listen to fucking anything.

[1101] Right.

[1102] And there, you know, Kent has a new guy running things over there.

[1103] And he's really into individual voices, which is I'm hoping, that's why I'm hoping the show.

[1104] And there's a lot of that stuff going on over there.

[1105] And again, I hate to be the guy.

[1106] Who is it?

[1107] Kent Alterman, you know?

[1108] Yeah.

[1109] And he's been fucking great.

[1110] He's like, do your thing.

[1111] And he gives me notes that make the show, and I'm not saying this to his because that's because he's probably not listening, although hopefully someone will give this to him.

[1112] He's giving me notes that makes the show more me. Right.

[1113] You know, so he's going through the thing.

[1114] So it's, it's, I was, I'm really in a, I'm hoping people watch the show, obviously, so I can keep doing it.

[1115] But I'm really in a rare place where I can do the exact, there is nothing I've done on the show they don't want to do.

[1116] That's perfect.

[1117] That's the only way to do a show, right?

[1118] You know, someone has to get you, think you're talented, and then support you.

[1119] The problem, the only downside is when like these Twitter things and that comes in, it's extra, it's, I get, I have to ignore it, of course, but they really are insulting you.

[1120] Like if you go on, when you go on stage and do your stand -up and people don't like it, and it's harder, different than you because people are coming and they're paying money because they like your show.

[1121] But if you put yourself out there, like on your, like stand -up specials, you know, and people don't like it.

[1122] They are insulting you as a person.

[1123] Right.

[1124] It's like when if they insult my show, they're insulting me. Right.

[1125] Like my actual dad's on the show, you know.

[1126] Yeah, but that's good.

[1127] I love it.

[1128] I mean, it took me a couple weeks to get used to it.

[1129] I'm not going to lie.

[1130] Yeah.

[1131] To read that shit and get used to personal.

[1132] Because all the stuff I'd done was like I was part of a show or writing on a show, producing a show, being having a small part on a show.

[1133] So to have my name in the show and have, you don't think about the time because there's no live studio audience, but to do a show, you know, kind of with my friends and kind of on my own, do my own, put myself up, you know, out there for everyone to see without, again, without a live audience, you just don't know.

[1134] And then it's like a couple months later it air, it's like, wait a second.

[1135] I really fucking put myself out there.

[1136] Well, you have to do that, though, because that's the honest reaction.

[1137] That's the people that aren't paid.

[1138] And some of them are going to be assholes.

[1139] They're going to hate everything.

[1140] But the other ones have good points, and they make it better.

[1141] Exactly.

[1142] And also, but if, let's say, if 60 % of the people like it, that's still, it's plenty audience.

[1143] Oh, yeah.

[1144] It's more than enough people.

[1145] It's more than plenty.

[1146] And if 40 % hate it, you can't make everybody happy.

[1147] Exactly.

[1148] Well, I've learned that at the heart.

[1149] There's music that I love that I've talked about on the podcast, and I'll get people fucking hate tweeting me. That fucking emo pussy shit People get sensitive about me. Yeah, one of my favorite bands, Honey Honey that we've had on a podcast at a bunch of times.

[1150] Every time we have them on, I get a fucking hundred hate tweets from cunts.

[1151] There's a bunch of people out there that are just miserable.

[1152] And the crazy thing is these are people who just listen to your show.

[1153] Yeah.

[1154] And they want to just, so they're fans insulting one particular.

[1155] There's always going to be that.

[1156] And especially because the anonymity of the internet and the fact that they can just interact with you through text on a screen there's very little reason to be kind there's very little it's weird I saw one of your tweets the other day and it stuck with me I was because I was reading like you know I got to stop reading this shit I think although it's sometimes fun to read even insults but you're what did you say you saw Oz the great oh the Wizard of Oz yeah the new Oz movie and you're like got bad reviews just a reminder that most critics are sad cunts isn't that what you said something like that It's just to reinforce my notion, my belief that most critics are sad cunts.

[1157] I'm like, huh, that makes me feel bad.

[1158] Like, that tweet calmed me down for about 30 to 35 seconds.

[1159] The reality is, most people are critics who are critics, because they don't have anything to contribute.

[1160] They're not artists.

[1161] They wanted to be artists.

[1162] Almost every critic wanted to be something artistic, whether it's a writer or whether it's, they wanted to do screenplays or novels.

[1163] And, in fact, some of them have and failed.

[1164] They're not the right people for the job.

[1165] the only right people for the job are regular people not people to get paid well i didn't don't get me wrong i wasn't making like when an asian woman crosses the street you hear me see me hit a gong like i wasn't going this is critics gold man this is like people are gonna just trying to be funny and all i'm all the whole point the show is just comedy that's all it is you know we do that and we do that in you know on a podcast you don't you're not always saying things because it's supposed to be the most brilliant thing ever you just you know what the funny thing to say is you know what the funny thing to do is yeah i mean this is this is I like these kind of, like, on these kind of podcasts where I don't have to be funny all the time.

[1166] Again, I'm knocking it dead if that's the case.

[1167] But, you know, like, when you have time, you want to make a show, you just want it to be funny.

[1168] You're not thinking about, like, well, this reached the artistic.

[1169] It's just, like, fucking be funny.

[1170] Playing to the back of the room like that is super dangerous.

[1171] That's, like, some UCB shit where you see comics that will survive there, but they go anywhere else and they eat a fat plate of dicks.

[1172] Yeah.

[1173] The reason why is because you're trying to be this, like, you know, really eccentric, playing to the back of the room inside joke you know very verbose you know very articulate you're trying to appeal to the critics you're trying to well I think that's I've noticed that recently to me the death of comedy is cool yeah people trying to be cool is killing comedy and there's just so much of that shit nowadays it's like those cool indie bands you know these cool indie con there's just so much coolness well trying to be cool there's certain people that are just cool and it just is who they are like you know Chris Rock is cool what are you going to do about it exactly but you know but he but he Chappelle's cool exactly he's a cool guy but you know he knows how to bring con I'm not saying you can't be cool I'm just saying can't try to be cool that's that's what the these people are worried about making an ass out of themselves right they're getting in the way of their comedy by trying to be cool well there's that thing too where they um my show is on cool there's that thing too where they criticize physical comedy and they criticize anybody who tries too hard they criticize anybody who's animated on stage like oh he's one of those comics you're like what an entertainer someone's actually funny i was watching jim carrie on this interview the other day and he was uh this inside comedy show on showtime is actually pretty good and he was talking about how like ace ventura came out and like obviously it's not the critics critics don't go hey go see ace ventura but he's he got calls from steve martin and like all his favorite comics were coming up to him and telling him like other comics are saying god this movie's brilliant and he was like i can who gives a fuck about the critics you know steve martin called me on my phone like my favorite comedian called me and said he called you no No, listen to what he's saying, you fuck.

[1174] I'm Jim Carrey right now.

[1175] Jesus Christ, Brian.

[1176] No, Steve Martin didn't call me. But it would be cool people tuned in right now.

[1177] He just woke up.

[1178] Steve Martin called you?

[1179] What?

[1180] Who are you?

[1181] That's what happens.

[1182] You fucking playing solitaire over there, you fuck.

[1183] But now I take it personally.

[1184] Maybe I'm being so fucking boring.

[1185] Listen, man, you're not going to...

[1186] Your art, whatever it is.

[1187] Whether it's a TV show or a stand -up comedy act, it's a work in progress.

[1188] You're always improving it and you're constantly getting better.

[1189] And part of the input is criticism, whether it's positive or negative, the input of the audience, whether it's laughter or people sending you a text message, just saying you suck.

[1190] Which criticism hurts you the most, though?

[1191] Is there any that hurt you at this point or no?

[1192] Well, it shouldn't hurt you.

[1193] What hurts me, I'm telling you, what hurts me is when they're right.

[1194] That's what hurts me. If I did something where I knew it was lazy or I did something where I half -assed it, if you tell me something sucked and I'm like, okay, you say it sucked, I just heard a thousand people laugh their asses off.

[1195] and they enjoyed it, and I like that kind of comedy, okay, that's how fine.

[1196] You know, you could say it sucks.

[1197] This is not your style.

[1198] I know what I'm doing.

[1199] I know my style.

[1200] I know what I enjoyed doing.

[1201] What would bother me and what has in the past is when someone would say something, and I knew that they were right.

[1202] You know, I hadn't been working hard enough at something, or it was lazy, or the bit was, you know, it was a cheap ending to the bid or whatever, something like that.

[1203] So, but those have been super important over the years.

[1204] Like, that negative criticism oftentimes helps you more than anything.

[1205] That's interesting.

[1206] I never thought about it like that.

[1207] Because I'll bet there was some that really stung and got me really pissed because they were probably true.

[1208] How much stand -up do you do?

[1209] I don't do stand -up.

[1210] Okay, that's the thing.

[1211] See, when you're doing stand -up, you're constantly getting reactions from the crowd.

[1212] You're constantly getting input.

[1213] Well, I mean, I did a lot of, you know, I did sketch all the time.

[1214] So I was, you know, I've been in front of those non - laughing audiences.

[1215] So that's just an important.

[1216] Similar, but the difference being, of course, that when you're a stand -up, you're completely on your own up there.

[1217] And you've got nothing to talk about other than what's interesting.

[1218] inside your head and trying to relay these ideas to the audience and some people can do it and some people can't.

[1219] Some people can do it some days and can't do it the other days.

[1220] And especially when you start out, there's a long process from the time you first start out to the time when you're like a legit headline or a 10 years in plus.

[1221] And along the way, you have to bomb.

[1222] You literally, there's no way to do it right every time.

[1223] You're going to fuck up.

[1224] You're going to be insecure.

[1225] You're going to get in a fight with your girlfriend.

[1226] You're going to fucking have a bill that you have to pay that's on your mind.

[1227] There's going to be a lot of shit.

[1228] And you're going to have to learn how to navigate and negotiate every one of those particular situations.

[1229] Yeah, I mean, that's kind of why I didn't get into stay -up, is because I just, I just knew.

[1230] First of all, it's not what I wanted to do.

[1231] I knew I wanted to do TV, so I didn't want to be one of those guys who did stand -up to try to get something else out of it.

[1232] Right.

[1233] But, like, I just knew I wouldn't be good at, you know, it wasn't my thing.

[1234] So that's why I started, you know, doing the writing and all that.

[1235] I wanted to work my way into TV.

[1236] Although my TV is kind of, you know, that's my stand -up, which is me. putting myself out there well there's a lot of people that have become like sort of internet standups you know like they do like youtube videos and shit and they they're like they'll have like a million hits on them and you find it and and they're just a funny guy who's got to take on something going to the movies or this or that and i think you don't need to only do it live in front of an audience with a microphone it's just that's what i like that's my i i enjoy it but i could totally see a bunch of different outlets for kind of the same thing it's like what is What is your point of view, what is your, or your way to create a product, whether it's a video or an audio clip, whatever it is that you think is good.

[1237] Well, I just went, I just, when people ask me to do live stuff, I just do this one bit that I have from my show live.

[1238] So I went until I'll stand -up Saturday.

[1239] I'm like, I forgot how fun it is to watch, like, funny stand -up.

[1240] It was fucking great.

[1241] Yeah.

[1242] I just go very rarely.

[1243] I mean, my favorite, I don't know that I've ever laughed harder than watching Norm McDonald do stand -up.

[1244] He's my favorite stand -up to watch.

[1245] Very funny guy.

[1246] He has a new podcast, too, with Adam from Timpy Impro.

[1247] Oh, does he really?

[1248] Oh, that's great, man. He wants to come on the show, I think.

[1249] Fuck, yeah.

[1250] He's on the Ben show, by the way.

[1251] But just watching, just knowing I can't do it.

[1252] Or as a kid watching Richard Pryor movie, he's like, I can never fucking do that.

[1253] You could do that.

[1254] That's not true.

[1255] It's just a matter of time.

[1256] Richard Pryor wasn't good when he started out either.

[1257] Nobody was.

[1258] You start out and you sort of figure it out and you, you know, it's like anything else.

[1259] So what do you choose?

[1260] Yeah, I don't.

[1261] But, yeah, I'm happy where I am, so don't want people to think like I'm a bitch in a moment.

[1262] I don't think anybody does.

[1263] Well, I kind of do.

[1264] Do you?

[1265] Yeah.

[1266] The thing about you receiving feedback, though, from the audience, it's just you don't, you're not getting that feedback every weekend in a club, you know?

[1267] So when you're doing it, you're putting together, you're editing it and boom, throwing it out there and then you get the feedback.

[1268] So it's more of a slow reaction to the work.

[1269] You're getting it, but you get it all at once.

[1270] You get that night.

[1271] Right.

[1272] And then it kind of slows down.

[1273] And every Thursday night I get...

[1274] We also a new guy, too.

[1275] The new guy thing is like, who's this fucking new guy?

[1276] Yeah, and I've noticed that over the...

[1277] Even over three weeks, I've watched it dissipate, which is a good sign for me. I've watched it, like, the haters leave.

[1278] They don't watch every week.

[1279] They're just like, you interrupted my fucking favorite show with your dumb shit.

[1280] I hate you.

[1281] They go away, and then the people who like it stick around.

[1282] It's just...

[1283] Even me, it's hard for it.

[1284] me to get used to a new show you know and a new guy it takes a while yeah it's um it's it's it's really hard to get into new shows there's not that there's there's a better selection of shows to watch now though than i think i've ever been before and also there's a new show after mine called nathan for you starring nathan fielder which is another really funny show same kind of thing he's just being himself and uh we're both kind of in the same boat which is a new night you know new faces new comedian what is it called nathan for you it's really fun Nathan, for you.

[1285] He takes on to small businesses and gives them business advice, but he kind of doesn't know what he's doing.

[1286] That's a good idea.

[1287] Yeah, you should watch it.

[1288] It's really good.

[1289] And his name, his last name is Nathan, what?

[1290] Fielder.

[1291] Fielder.

[1292] Yeah, so me and him have our, you know, I'm at 10, he's at 10 .30 Thursday.

[1293] So it's kind of this new night of comedy for Comedy Central of two unknown guys.

[1294] So it's a slow build, but they're, you know.

[1295] Bringing back the Cosby.

[1296] I think that it's so important to have new faces.

[1297] I think it's so important to have new ideas and new, like, your show, like, I love the idea of the hybrid between a reality show and, like, scripted shut, shit, but funny.

[1298] Like, that clip was great.

[1299] I'm really looking forward to watching your show now because of that one clip.

[1300] Like, that's like, it's really...

[1301] Well, you, you showed a clip, you tweeted a clip about my show.

[1302] I don't even know if you knew it was my show.

[1303] That last text ad thing, didn't you tweet that?

[1304] The guy, the wheelchair, tweeting, talking about the last text he ever sent?

[1305] Did you send that?

[1306] I believe so.

[1307] About the titties?

[1308] Yes.

[1309] That was my, that's for my show.

[1310] Oh, okay.

[1311] You didn't even know.

[1312] So you're watching it.

[1313] You don't even know you're watching it.

[1314] That's a good, man. Yeah.

[1315] That's a good sign.

[1316] Yeah.

[1317] So people are watching it and tweeting about it.

[1318] They don't even know my name.

[1319] That's awesome, man. Yeah.

[1320] That's really cool.

[1321] Including Joe Rogan.

[1322] Well, it's beginning, you know.

[1323] I mean, that's everybody starts from a beginning point.

[1324] And you're off to the races.

[1325] Yeah, no. I'm psyched about it.

[1326] But I think it's cool that Comedy Central is trying like new ideas and taking new chances like that.

[1327] Yeah, that's what I was saying about the new regime.

[1328] It's, like, a lot of the same guys over and over again, and you were getting, like, a lot of stale shit, you know?

[1329] Yeah, I mean, you know that old regime.

[1330] I didn't know any of those people, but...

[1331] This is how bad it was.

[1332] You know, the show Make Me Hard that I told you about?

[1333] Yeah.

[1334] They wouldn't let us use the word hard.

[1335] The argument was, it's too mean or too vulgar.

[1336] Let's make it make me stiff.

[1337] And I go, are you fucking serious?

[1338] I go, are we really having this conversation?

[1339] You're really telling me that make me stiff is less offensive than make me hard you would like us to change the sign yes that's how we feel women yeah nutty nutty crazy fucks i would this is post 9 -11 boners right though um it was that was even before the janet jackson thing the janet jackson thing happened in the middle of doug and i doing the man show oh shit that's no good that was the craziest thing i've ever seen in my life i thought that was going to have no effect i was like why would anybody give a fox she pulls her tit out in the super bowl whatever but meanwhile these people were scrambling We showed up on the set on Monday, and we had to have a special meeting where they killed, like, half of our fucking monologues, half of our things.

[1340] That was a crazy time, huh?

[1341] You know what it was?

[1342] A bunch of weasels who were worried about losing their job, so they started scrambling to appease the world.

[1343] And then the advertiser going, what is the people, the American people are outraged at television.

[1344] Oh, we're going to soften everything up.

[1345] Oh, I want to keep my job, and I want to keep my nice house, and I want to buy a boat, so we're going to polish it.

[1346] up and we're gonna we're gonna give the american people what they want what they want to what do they want no tits okay no tits no tits so we had the man show and we had all these nutty fucking sketches that we wanted to do all craziness and naked people and shit no no no no no they start they started hacking at it everything controversial that's crazy i remember at that lou reed well walk on the wild side they edited that song for radio after the jan jackson thing that song i've been airing for 30 for 30 years on the radio oh god and they took out a line from that song in the radio and Lou Reed fucking flipped.

[1347] What was the line that it took out?

[1348] There's a line that it slipped in there that's something about something giving head.

[1349] Yeah.

[1350] She's giving head, yeah.

[1351] Yeah, it's never been...

[1352] Even when she was giving head.

[1353] Say, hey, babe, take a while.

[1354] And it had been airing on the radio, on regular rock stations, perfectly fine for 30 years after Janet Jackson's boom.

[1355] They edited it.

[1356] Isn't that crazy?

[1357] There's a weird clamp down in this world today.

[1358] And I think part of it has to be attributed to the fact that people know that the world is insane.

[1359] And the more they can sort of tighten things down and regulate and stop and no assault guns and no drugs and no swearing and no and the more like control that they can have over over people what they do, what they say or what what sort of ideology gets broadcast.

[1360] The more they can do that, the better.

[1361] because then it allows them to believe somehow or another they've got at least a small hold on this fucking craziness that's in front of them which is the human species right now you look at the internet and you see what the fuck people are really all about yeah trust me I've been there it's loads and heads getting cut off and car accidents and fucking lion attacks that's the internet god damn it's 30 % porn my first buddy who got got the internet I remember going he's like dude the first thing I saw in the air is look at this a guy's head inside a vagina I'm like, dude, I don't know what the internet is, but I'm already on board.

[1362] I like this.

[1363] I like where this business is going.

[1364] I want stock.

[1365] Yeah, you can find out a lot of things that are possible that you were like, there's no way.

[1366] Come on.

[1367] Porn represents 30 % of the internet.

[1368] I find that, that even sounds low to me. It seems small, yeah.

[1369] Yeah, I was going to say.

[1370] But that's a lot, dude.

[1371] Someone gave me a list.

[1372] Someone gave me a list of the top.

[1373] I think we were doing trying to figure out marketing or something for the show in the list of the top websites in the world It was the craziest I knew everyone it was like I'm not even kidding 12 of the 20 It was like porn hub and then like five down CNN .com It was like like stuff that I found out about later like X Hamster have you ever heard of X Hamster?

[1374] Yes, of course X Hamster was like number three or something and like you know Google was below like it was insane Yeah the real porn or the real internet that's where the real money is quite shocking yeah the the internet if you think about it is more i mean 30 % is like a weird number but if you stop and think about what it really means it's almost a third 33 i still think that's a conservative number but even let's say it is a third is it you really do one out of three i think it's higher than that one you think most internet traffic more than one out of three is just from the numbers i've seen before that's just but even but i'm saying yeah for me it's 90 but you know you're wrong but you know something wrong with you of course i know i know i'm I've got issues, man. But you know that you don't represent most people.

[1375] No, I think because I'm open about it, I'm probably not as, I'm probably not as dark as most people.

[1376] Most people, it's probably 98.

[1377] Well, comedians are one of the few that are allowed to talk freely about beating off without fear of losing our jobs, too.

[1378] That's true.

[1379] But let's say, let's say it is a third.

[1380] Even that's crazy to think that one third of the time spent on the Internet is looking at porn.

[1381] Yeah.

[1382] That's insane.

[1383] That I think it is a third.

[1384] I think a third is probably pretty, or 30%.

[1385] Well, if you think about it, you have to use so much for email or work stuff, and there is a lot of regular stuff you have to do, so maybe that is right.

[1386] I don't know.

[1387] We're definitely entering into some weird area where people are trying to slow down, like, free expression.

[1388] I think...

[1389] Oh, there's some debauchery out there, man. I mean, listen, when you go on those porn sites and you hit the wrong button, which I've done many times.

[1390] Or you mean the right button.

[1391] I was going to say some nights it's the right button.

[1392] holy man have I seen some like how I didn't curse on that one yeah I've seen some crazy shit on most of which you know I'd rather not talk about but yeah well it led to masturbation well it's interesting how okay if that's true that's 30 % of the internet let's assume that's true and then those people who are watching this porn on this massive amounts of downloads and all this stuff they're going to regular jobs where they have to be restricted.

[1393] They're going to regular jobs.

[1394] So maybe the 30 is right, but again, that's a lot.

[1395] It's a lot.

[1396] But the idea is that when they're at work or when they're interacting with people for the majority of the time, they have to suppress all of that.

[1397] Like, all of that is inside their head, but the internet doesn't represent how you communicate in the corporate world.

[1398] It doesn't represent how you communicate in your average everyday experience.

[1399] You're like way more like conservative, way more buttoned down, way more suppressed.

[1400] That's why I love comedy because not to go back to my show but we do a bit on the show where you have a barbershop quartet countdown the top internet porn videos of the week so like you would come into our office and the writers and the producers all around just look watching porn to find the best titles that's a job right we get paid for that just to look at funny porn titles I fucking love it yeah and there's some really fucking funny ones man we pulled we were talking about Annabella Chong yesterday who was the first woman to do a gang bang and she actually Yeah, she actually did it because she was a woman studies student, I believe, at USC, and she was trying to figure out like what's, she wanted to be like a female stud, like the female version of a stud.

[1401] So she fucked like 69 dudes in movies.

[1402] But when you look at like her, what year was this?

[1403] It wasn't that many years ago 95 At the age of 22 She became famous by engaging in 251 sex acts With 69 women Or 69 men rather Over a 10 hour period With the resulting footage being promoted As the world's biggest gang bang Huh Yeah but the names of the titles Were fucking hilarious Um Yeah no we have some My favorite was My favorite one that we Of course we I don't know who you have to believe it It was chubby honey has a bushy pussy.

[1404] Chubby honey has a bushy pussy.

[1405] And hearing a barbershop quartet singing is pretty great.

[1406] But just, I mean, you can't write anything funnier than that.

[1407] Yeah.

[1408] I'm trying to find her.

[1409] When I was in San Diego, this is what was on the TV at the Hover Tower Room, Joe.

[1410] Ass factor.

[1411] Ain't all that.

[1412] Is that Aza?

[1413] It looks like.

[1414] Probably is her.

[1415] She takes up the butt all the time.

[1416] Yeah, they could probably go to jail for that, for that you stealing fear factors thing.

[1417] but that's uh they always um have really funny names like for here's one that she was in uh annabella chong sergeant pecker's lonely hearts club gang bang i would watch that right now here's another one what's a nice girl like you doing in an anal movie legitimate question yeah um anal queen i can't believe i did the whole team whoops yeah man there was no gangbangs when i was like kid.

[1418] There's a really good porn I would recommend.

[1419] It's called Tonight's Girlfriend and it's this guy that just like pays porn stars to be hookers for the night.

[1420] Wow, and he makes a video out of it?

[1421] Yeah.

[1422] That sounds a little bit like that Boogie Night scene a little bit where she stops in the limo on the side of the street.

[1423] Yeah, it's kind of like he makes him shower at the beginning of everything.

[1424] Really?

[1425] What's it called?

[1426] I believe it's called Tonight's Girlfriend and the reason I like it is not because of that.

[1427] It's just filmed really, he does a good job filming it so you like the way it's you like the cinematography yeah there's I mean some people just have better I like I like good cinematography so I'll check it out wow and this guy is it a website I don't know if it's a website I've just seen a few of the videos online and so a lot of those girls will work as escorts right is that how it works I think he I think the idea is that they're not really they're playing escorts for the movie or at least most of them but then if you think about that they're actually getting paid to have sex So they're actually being...

[1428] So...

[1429] Now you're kind of...

[1430] You're kind of a prostitute anyway.

[1431] Yeah, so...

[1432] Kind of.

[1433] Well, I read one girl saying that.

[1434] She was...

[1435] I read an article about a...

[1436] A brothel.

[1437] One of those Nevada brothels.

[1438] And it was a porn star started working at the brothel.

[1439] And her attitude was, well, porn's just sort of like a revolving brothel anyway.

[1440] Yeah.

[1441] I was like, ooh.

[1442] That's true.

[1443] I mean, why...

[1444] How is it not true?

[1445] Yeah.

[1446] Yeah, and it was weird, like, listening to her talk about her attitude towards it, like, as long as she gets to go home to her...

[1447] man she was fine she was talking about that like so then the guy was asking well do you do like weekend trips do you do you do that and she goes well it would have to be a ridiculous amount money to keep me from my man oh my god honey i'm sorry i got to go make a couple a couple g's sucking some cock but uh when i come back i'm gonna buy you a motorcycle i would take that deal would you say that now man yeah i don't i would not be able to do that now we had an escort on the show and I was asking her like what the difference is between escort and a prostitute What she said?

[1448] And she's like nothing Well this escort did they blur out her face No we got to be showed her Oh man And she said I'm if I'm a basically she was I'm just a prostitute Wow Yeah the difference is a cameraman Yeah she's allowing you to film But we got it but we got her number Through legitimate sources You know it was like online It's a legit No no from the escorts Escorts are legit Oh yeah So we got an escort she comes over So she's just like yeah I'll fuck you for whatever.

[1449] How hot was she?

[1450] She was attractive.

[1451] I web chatted with her with my dad on the show.

[1452] He showed her to my dad.

[1453] My dad's like, you know, that's a very attractive.

[1454] So you never met her in person?

[1455] You just web chat?

[1456] No, no. Me and her web chat with my, called my dad back in Kentucky.

[1457] Oh, so you were there right next to her and you called your dad.

[1458] Wow.

[1459] She was attractive.

[1460] My dad even said this much and she was a prostitute.

[1461] Did she try to hook it up with you?

[1462] No, she knew I didn't have.

[1463] She knew it was a young show and I didn't have the cash that she was looking for.

[1464] How much cash she was looking for?

[1465] What did she say?

[1466] Well, here's the thing.

[1467] You don't want to go down that road because all of a sudden you're...

[1468] Jim Norton?

[1469] I can't speak for him.

[1470] They'll speak for him.

[1471] He's not shy.

[1472] It felt like...

[1473] It felt...

[1474] It would have been odd.

[1475] Also, I'm kind of a pussy.

[1476] I didn't want to do it.

[1477] I get freaked out by, like, germs and stuff, so I thought...

[1478] Oh, you're one of those guys.

[1479] I thought it would be weird to have sex with an...

[1480] When you first meet a girl, and before you get busy, you start asking questions.

[1481] So, how many guys...

[1482] I ask him, like, in subtle ways.

[1483] I don't ask him, like, if you ask a girl that, you get kind of a slap, if you're, you know...

[1484] Not a slap, but apparently you don't.

[1485] But, you know, like, just kind of like, you know, like, you know, like, do you like to party?

[1486] Or, you know, like, I try to figure out, like, do you just smoke or, like, other things that would, like, lead them to a road of debauchery.

[1487] Right.

[1488] What would you feel like if you were with a girl for a long time and then you found out a few years back she did a gang bang movie?

[1489] But she quit.

[1490] It was a bad experience.

[1491] I would just...

[1492] I mean, what about, I would flip out.

[1493] You'd flip out?

[1494] Totally.

[1495] Would you be mad at her?

[1496] No, not mad.

[1497] I would just, I don't know that I could be with her.

[1498] But what if she was awesome other than that?

[1499] What if, like, up until that moment, like, this chick's the perfect chick.

[1500] I mean, did she go through a lot of therapy after the gang bang?

[1501] Nope.

[1502] She just realized, you know what?

[1503] Gang bangs are not for me. I'm moving on.

[1504] We should hang out sometime, man. I'm going to start teaching yoga.

[1505] Gang bang.

[1506] You just wake up some morning.

[1507] Gang bangs are not for me. Maybe you do.

[1508] You know, I mean, people do.

[1509] My friend Dave, I told you, crashed his car.

[1510] I never had a drink again.

[1511] And, you know, went to a little bit of court -ordered alcoholics and anonymous, but I think other than that.

[1512] You know what?

[1513] In your scenario, in this scenario, that she's a completely new person, I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt.

[1514] Are you really?

[1515] I mean, not really, but I just, in theoretically.

[1516] But if you went down on there and it tasted a little extra salty, would you worry that's just some load creeping out of there from the gang bang that have been camping up there for a while?

[1517] I would check myself in an emergency room and stay there for probably two years.

[1518] And I would pay for it all myself.

[1519] Yeah, you couldn't watch, right?

[1520] You wouldn't want to watch the gang bang.

[1521] But if someone told you about it But do you enjoy even watching gangbangs in general?

[1522] Me, no. Yeah, it's great.

[1523] I'm not a gangbank.

[1524] I'm not even a two -on -one sort of a guy.

[1525] I don't like watching that either.

[1526] Seems like two people to talk to.

[1527] I think it's guys like us who are more open talking about porn who probably watch it the least.

[1528] Maybe, you know, I don't know.

[1529] Maybe.

[1530] I think it's the people who are quiet about it who are the real sickos.

[1531] Probably the least fucked up watching it.

[1532] You know, but then I have daughters.

[1533] So porn took on a completely different.

[1534] dimension since since I've had kids it's this is a weird thing where you're looking at a porn like you know for a fact that that used to be a baby that was someone's little girl that was someone oh daddy and hugging onto you and now she's getting plugged in the ass and the mouth and she's gagging and that's reality man I mean that girl you put it in so poetically she's got her tongue out and some dudes just fucking jizzing all over her face that used to be a baby she's a good girl there's no way to get around that and it yeah that could babies of your own it totally fucks with your your your vision of it i guess yes that that's that's why i don't want to have kids because i want to keep watching like you want to keep checking off the that's when dudes move on to milfs see the guys the guys who are really in the milfs it's like you can't even think about them being a baby anymore because the bitch is like 40 and only likes black guys now have you noticed that when you watch porn though that's like it's like every video is a different girl but it's like four or five guys total and all the same guys it's the same guys over and over they say a lot of that's because it's hard to do like it's hard for guys to get it up in front of strangers and cameras like and know that people are going to watch your dick and be comfortable and you say you could you think you could seriously yeah please you panic when you stand up a little half a little bit of black power in me i'm fine yeah you say that people find out small your dick really is they'd go what the fuck brian you said it was big jesus what's wrong you don't tell the truth about anything I've never said it was big.

[1535] That's all I've been in your...

[1536] But he said he could do porn.

[1537] Certainly said it was big.

[1538] No, I said it was above average.

[1539] Somebody please, that's big.

[1540] That's not big.

[1541] I just a little above average.

[1542] What's average?

[1543] Which average do you?

[1544] What's the average dick that you sucked?

[1545] I would say like five.

[1546] But honestly, though, not even as a joke.

[1547] How would you know it averages nowadays?

[1548] Because all the only dicks you see are on porn.

[1549] And those are guys who are professional.

[1550] The only dicks you see.

[1551] Yeah.

[1552] This dude is always asking people to show their dick.

[1553] So he's got some of my dick.

[1554] Constantly not.

[1555] Constantly going around.

[1556] Measuring them.

[1557] Hold on.

[1558] I definitely have the internet, so I've seen all kinds of this.

[1559] That's what I'm saying.

[1560] In your defense, the dicks, you're seeing the cream of the crop.

[1561] You're seeing the best dicks in the world.

[1562] The juiciest, most delicious, kosher.

[1563] You're seeing the guys who get paid for those dicks.

[1564] So don't compare yourself to that.

[1565] Talk amongst yourselves.

[1566] I've got a peat.

[1567] I see mostly comics dicks nowadays.

[1568] Oh, those are probably small then, yeah.

[1569] Yeah.

[1570] I don't know.

[1571] so uh you uh you uh you're on your fifth or six episode of this show man you've really been listening man jesus christ you know how many third third episode yeah third episode five more uh but how many have you recorded oh we're done i actually came from the editing studio just now to wrap the last one like we're wrapped as of today right and we're done with all eight now you with the clip that we saw was completely uncensored like the language and everything like that like that are you getting the beep treatment we're getting the bleeps but um you can watch them all on a little most of the clips are uncensored online i wasn't talking to the mic most of the clips are uncensored online and um there's a possibly there's some talk i don't want to say yet that we may be able to show some uncensored versions late at night after midnight yeah or i don't know what the rule is but i don't want to promise anything but there's has been chatter about that so i want to get a buzz going about it but i don't want it to be official you know Yeah.

[1572] Well, I mean, South Park did it.

[1573] You know, they did their movie.

[1574] South Park, you know, they, and also South Park is TVMA, because they were just like, we don't want it.

[1575] You can't air TVMA before 10, which is, you know, they say shit and fucking stuff.

[1576] So you can only air the new South Parks after 10.

[1577] But they said they don't give a, you know, we don't care.

[1578] Because those early, those early reruns are, what's going on?

[1579] Joe couldn't get through the curtain.

[1580] We have these new curtains in the studio, and, like, it's just, like, you know, where you have to try to find the opening of a curtain.

[1581] Yeah, the Joe Rogan experience without Joe Rogan is a little weird.

[1582] Are you, are you, like, you said you're, are you, like, the kind of person you don't like to shake people's hands and stuff like that?

[1583] That doesn't bother me as much anymore.

[1584] I mean, it used to.

[1585] What about ass play?

[1586] Ass play is different because that's a nice, clean ass.

[1587] You wiped it and everything.

[1588] Maybe.

[1589] Wiped it.

[1590] It's not really cleaning it well.

[1591] Imagine if someone smeared shit on your face and you just took a little piece of toilet paper and white.

[1592] wiped it off.

[1593] No. That wouldn't really work.

[1594] Yeah.

[1595] It'd be like really clean this shit.

[1596] Really, it's really a shower is the only thing that way to clean.

[1597] Yeah, you gotta get in there.

[1598] Well, I got one of those Japanese toilets.

[1599] I still haven't fucking installed it yet because I'm so goddamn busy.

[1600] But one of the ones who you and I experienced?

[1601] Yeah, I got one from the studio too.

[1602] I always wanted to try one.

[1603] It's the best.

[1604] Is it cool?

[1605] Ha!

[1606] I should have had it here for you.

[1607] You just stay on the toilet longer though.

[1608] Like you find yourself, you just want to feel the water shit squirted in your ass and you just don't want to stop.

[1609] God, I need what that's, that's, if I get a season two, that's my first.

[1610] warm yeah the seat's warm and it blows air on your asshole after it cleans it i think i heard stern talking about that it's a whole thing where it like goes up and the whole thing yeah yeah yeah it finds her butt hole and it shoots it right in there yeah this is reminded me to go get that fucking thing out in my garage and have it installed yeah why don't i have installed here guys yeah you got the if you got it installed it well we're almost the studio's almost done we got the curtains up now ben hopin you're here to break in the curtains yeah i'm here this exciting feels like show business right curtains something about show business it's about time the big we got the big animal outside that's a werewolf buddy it's on animal it's a werewolf we got Buddha we got everything yeah it's cool Joe there's a song that I really want to play but I don't know if we should play but you remember the dance floor Dale yeah song there's another guy that makes us made a song his name is uh Mike Diva and it's called I'm on crack and it's just like that and it's so fucking good a song that's like registered like or is it on the on YouTube you know I think he's just one of those guys that's on YouTube that just makes these cute little like minute videos based a really good as long as it's not like on like universal records or something like that you know or some big record company yeah say what it's from uh he just does like a weekly video you think we could do it he probably would like it let's just play all what's his name again his name's his on youtube it's mike diva it's all one word free promo you know a million people gonna listen to it's easy yeah it's kind of fucked up that we even have to you know like we should we should be paying good we're help we're helping people but you have to worry the internet is in this weird area.

[1611] Have you had problems with that?

[1612] No, but we have insurance for it and we have, um, we also have lawyers now.

[1613] We'll play, we'll play, let's play half of it so you...

[1614] Show something of it, yeah.

[1615] Okay, see.

[1616] We're, we're also signing up to a couple programs.

[1617] If everybody left it right, break it down.

[1618] Back in 79!

[1619] The jump baloochi in 1992, I did the quiz fall in 2000s.

[1620] Oh, you gotta see this.

[1621] I did the clover field monster.

[1622] I said, fuck that shit.

[1623] I went back to the Volushi.

[1624] It's like gas, gas, gas, gas, gas.

[1625] Lowered that, is that a win.

[1626] Okay, hold on, hold on.

[1627] This show is, this music is unlistenable.

[1628] It's so bad.

[1629] But the video is really fascinating.

[1630] Actually, Mike Diva just made the video.

[1631] The song is by a side project called the Left Rights, Mindless Self -Indulgence Side Project.

[1632] Oh, okay.

[1633] I mean, in this particular environment, that's mainly visual.

[1634] That video is impossible to listen to.

[1635] It's got cats and crack.

[1636] I love it.

[1637] Well, the video's hilarious.

[1638] I can't stop listening to it.

[1639] How many views?

[1640] 1 .8 million.

[1641] Oh, that fucker.

[1642] Yeah, I just love that that it's possible.

[1643] That a guy could just put out a video and it's, why does it have 1 .8 million?

[1644] Because a bunch of people said, you got to see this.

[1645] It's pretty wild to watch.

[1646] Yeah.

[1647] Well, that's Super Mario.

[1648] Yeah, it's a great.

[1649] It's a great video, man. It's a great video.

[1650] I like the song.

[1651] I may buy it right now.

[1652] Isn't it weird how when you go to a video and you see it's got 18 million views?

[1653] You're like, what the fuck?

[1654] How do I not know about this?

[1655] Yeah.

[1656] Who are these people?

[1657] Well, I've seen the ones with the 100 million views.

[1658] I'm like, how's that even possible?

[1659] Gangam style.

[1660] What did that get up to?

[1661] A billion?

[1662] Yeah, a billion.

[1663] Yeah.

[1664] A billion?

[1665] Yeah.

[1666] A billion?

[1667] Yeah.

[1668] It's in a billion.

[1669] Actually, all his videos have a lot of hits because he has a billion views?

[1670] Yeah.

[1671] What are we now?

[1672] 2 .5 billion about total?

[1673] Humans?

[1674] Yeah.

[1675] Whoa, more than that.

[1676] Seven.

[1677] We're at seven.

[1678] We're at seven billion.

[1679] Seven billion.

[1680] Yeah.

[1681] Where do I get, no, 2 .5 in the, I was thinking maybe America, right?

[1682] No, America, 300 million.

[1683] Where did I get 2 .5?

[1684] This guy's laughing at me. You made it up.

[1685] Unless you live in the 50s.

[1686] I'm from the 50s.

[1687] I'm in the, type of time.

[1688] You just gave up.

[1689] It's 7 billion people in the world?

[1690] Yes.

[1691] Well, there's a billion in China alone.

[1692] There's more than a billion in Africa.

[1693] Africa is 1 .5 billion.

[1694] I did know there was a billion.

[1695] So, okay, I fucked up.

[1696] Yeah, it's getting...

[1697] At least it won't be recorded for life.

[1698] It's getting crowded like a motherfucker in here.

[1699] That's a lot of people.

[1700] All right, so maybe gang of style is not that popular.

[1701] Well, it's really a billion people.

[1702] It's 500 ,000 assholes who've watched it repeatedly ad nauseum.

[1703] No, but on different computers, though, because it has to be different.

[1704] Doesn't have, doesn't have, I think it has to be different servers.

[1705] Really?

[1706] Do you think YouTube really gives a fuck where the hits are coming from?

[1707] They would want to elevate that.

[1708] They had that problem before because people were putting their videos up and just pressing refresh all day and night to get their counts up.

[1709] It attracts the IP address, so, like, it only counts as one view if you go to it.

[1710] Like, if you watch it here and at home, it would count as two.

[1711] Oh, okay.

[1712] But if we had different computers at this IP address, then it would count as one.

[1713] Correct.

[1714] Okay.

[1715] They're a step ahead of you.

[1716] So that is still, that's a very popular.

[1717] There's ways around that, though.

[1718] How do you get around?

[1719] You use proxies.

[1720] Yeah, proxies.

[1721] You just get this list of proxies.

[1722] They must have had to do that, though, for advertising purposes, because they sell advertisement now.

[1723] That makes sense, because they do it by CPM, by how many downloads they get.

[1724] Totally.

[1725] Yeah, well, if you buy a, if you say you've got millions of views and some company buys your shit and it's just some dude clicking it over and over, they're going to be pissed.

[1726] You know, have you thought about doing a podcast at all?

[1727] I thought about, I don't know.

[1728] Might be a good accompaniment to your show, you know.

[1729] That's what people are telling me. I just, I'm not really a talker.

[1730] What are you talking about?

[1731] I mean, I don't know.

[1732] It's a lover.

[1733] Yeah, I don't feel like I would, I'm the wrong guy to ask because, again, like I said, I'm not a Ben Hoffman fan, so I'm the wrong person to be asking about this.

[1734] But I just feel like I've kind of talked out And I don't really Like even on this show I feel like I was done I was done in an hour What do you do at home?

[1735] Like when you get home tonight Do you just watch a lot of movies Do you have a hobby?

[1736] Well tonight Because I have, we have an airing tonight So I have to live tweet A new episode tonight That's a new thing is you tweet along with the show That's nice, yeah Which is fine I guess But so I have to go to But I don't have direct TV So I have to go to my friend's house Who has direct TV So I can watch the East Coast feed To live tweet it So a couple writers will show up we'll live tweet the show so that'll be fun but uh what was the question I mean like what do you do you have a girlfriend you know that's a big listen that's a question I've been talking to with my therapist what the fuck am I doing with my you're a therapist?

[1737] Yeah yeah How long have you been going to a therapist?

[1738] 10 years Really?

[1739] Yeah wow Oh dude I got issues What's the number one?

[1740] Can you tell us?

[1741] Yeah the number one would probably be OCD Like washing your hand Yeah but I gotta say like even today like I did shake your guys hands when I came in here and I just now remembered that I did so it's working I guess because you dealt with the fact that you shook our hands didn't go immediately wash yourself I'm saying that a big step for me is just now remembering that two hours ago I shook your hands in the old days I would have thought about at the time like my hands are like toxic or something it has nothing to do with the person I do meet and greet after shows and like theaters and I'll shake a thousand people's hands and it never occurs to you No, then I go eat.

[1742] Really?

[1743] You don't wash your hands before?

[1744] You're a case, you're, you're, you, you, uh, you need to, and you shouldn't be scared because there's nothing, uh, healthy, son.

[1745] There's nothing bad about it.

[1746] You're not going to kill me with your sweat.

[1747] But, uh, no, but see, I'm cured, I'm not that cured, but I'm getting closer.

[1748] Um, no, I try to wash my hands after I do that, but I have, there's been times where I haven't, you know, for sure, especially if I got a buzz on, I'm like, ah, fuck it, let's go eat, you know?

[1749] Yeah, why, I mean, literally, I've been to, I was talking about this on another place I don't want to get into it too much, but I had been to behavior therapy where you literally get your hands dirty and touch your face or touch yourself.

[1750] That's how they teach, how they teach you to do it.

[1751] What made you feel like you needed this?

[1752] It was interfering with my life, literally.

[1753] Like, I would go to the, I would be in my car, I'd go get gas and I'd be going out to meet my friends.

[1754] And I had to go back home to wash my hands.

[1755] Wow.

[1756] Home.

[1757] Yeah.

[1758] You couldn't go to a bathroom.

[1759] No, because I have touched there.

[1760] Yeah, so then by the time you get through all that shit, your day's gone, you know.

[1761] Right.

[1762] It interferes.

[1763] When anything, I think all I care about is anything that's interfering with my life.

[1764] Do you have like hand sanitizer that you don't touch you this?

[1765] You need to get your guy to Howie Mandel.

[1766] You know how he's completely off the rails.

[1767] But he sounds like he's not dealing with it.

[1768] No. But he talks about it though.

[1769] He talks about it, but do what I did.

[1770] Work past it.

[1771] Yeah, good for you, man. I'm dealing with my issues.

[1772] Good for you.

[1773] And I think you know what I like about that?

[1774] Well, you're dealing, that you're willing to talk about it.

[1775] I think that's super important.

[1776] Oh, that's the thing is I was never shy about it.

[1777] But I. But that's huge.

[1778] When I have issues, I like to be open about it and deal with them, and it helps me kind of get rid of them.

[1779] But it also helps by gauging other people's reactions whether or not it's a real issue or whether or not it's...

[1780] Well, it was so bad that, yeah, family members noticed it.

[1781] That's how I knew, and I'm like, maybe this is, because I didn't know what OCD was.

[1782] And I'm like, I read about it, and I'm like, shit, I have this times a hundred.

[1783] You know, this is bad.

[1784] And, like, there is a...

[1785] I can fix this and improve my life.

[1786] that sounds interesting to me yeah it's it's really bad to keep that stuff to yourself if something's really fucking with you because i think that there's a lot of insight that you get just from talking to people like i've had conversations with people where they tell me something about something fucked up about themselves and they go you know what i realize i'm not fucking doing that anymore man i've seen people do that a friend of mine quit smoking in front of me once he was he was smoking we were about to go do a gig and i go are you smoking and he goes i only smoke before shows i go but dude you show's like fucking four days a week And he goes, yeah, he goes, I go, well, it seems like you're smoking.

[1787] And he goes, well, I like a cigarette right before I do a show.

[1788] And I go, have you done many shows without it?

[1789] And he goes, yeah, I mean, I just started doing this.

[1790] I go, God damn, man. He goes, you know what, you're right?

[1791] What the fuck am I doing?

[1792] I go, yeah, what are you doing?

[1793] So then he put a cigarette out, and he quit.

[1794] And he tells me, like, every time I see him, having smoked sense.

[1795] That you helped him?

[1796] No, it wasn't even that I helped him.

[1797] It's just that.

[1798] Bringing it up.

[1799] Having that conversation in front of somebody who reacts to it.

[1800] Like, if someone says, hey, Ben, stop washing your fucking hands every 10 minutes.

[1801] you need to go see a doctor there's something crazy about that and you're right you know what yeah i do you're right basically what you're saying is exactly what happened and just opening up and talking to a doctor about it's like fucking fix it you asshole yeah like you don't want to do this your whole life like someone like how i meant again i don't know how i mandel but wouldn't that wouldn't that be a when you want to get it fixed well i'm on the sucks it's the opposite end the spectrum because i've done jiu jihitsu for like 16 years yeah which is men sweating in your mouth.

[1802] Yeah, I can eat girls assholes.

[1803] Well, I mean, I'm not averse to that either if the young ladies willing to clean herself up.

[1804] Right.

[1805] But my, my, that's a whole other subject.

[1806] Yeah.

[1807] You can put your OCD aside.

[1808] But yeah, that is not healthy either.

[1809] I wonder how many people have gotten sick from eating ass.

[1810] Yeah, you eat raw horse meat.

[1811] So that's like another thing.

[1812] Listen, dude, I'm way more chimpanzee than you.

[1813] My body can digest that horse meat without a problem.

[1814] I very rarely get stomach aches.

[1815] Um, is that true?

[1816] Yeah.

[1817] Yeah, I ate, I ate horse meat.

[1818] I was in a restaurant they served us raw horse meat i was going to say didn't in the new the new thing like apparently we're all eating horse meat no no that was uh in the uk there was a some food company got i think it was like a lasagna something like it was like he has Swedish meatballs yeah and they had horse meat in them by the way horse meat's delicious it's really good for you and people like that's so fucked up how could you eat horse meat yes and no i mean isn't it fucked up to eat a cow isn't it fucked up to eat a goat yeah i'm from kentucky where they take their horses very seriously but i wouldn't if i was hungry you know what am i going to this what am i going to most people throughout history of eating horses it's been it's been i guarantee you i have without knowing it yeah i mean the mongols ate their horses i mean people have always eaten horses i ate at ikea once so i'm sure did you really yeah i'm sure they're good meatballs was the swedish me i thought that was in the uk wasn't that over there i don't know it might have been over there but i heard it was here too i think it was well they're just starting to um i think it was there's an omish a horse company that deals with the Amish where they're getting horses and they're slaughtering them now like older horses and they're slaughtering them for meat and the idea is they're doing it through the Amish because the Amish they don't believe in steroids or any of the things that you would worry about a horse having in its body if you ate it.

[1819] Huh.

[1820] There'd be more Amish.

[1821] People are fucking super...

[1822] You have a pee?

[1823] Do you have to pee or something?

[1824] No, no, I just look anxious.

[1825] People are super attached to their horses.

[1826] though man. I live near this equestrian center and I've taken my daughter to go ride around on horses and shit.

[1827] And there's a lot of people there that would like, I mean, if you told them that you were going to serve people some horse meat, they would fucking freak out.

[1828] I get, being from Kentucky, I have friends who make their living doing that kind of shit.

[1829] So I know where they're coming from.

[1830] Are you a horse person now?

[1831] No, not particularly.

[1832] I mean, I don't hate horses.

[1833] I like horses.

[1834] I'm with you.

[1835] I'm just never that interested in.

[1836] I mean, I think it's a fun way to you know travel get on a horse and go on a trail it's all good i like it but it's not something i mean i could get into it i could see falling in love of the horse and taking it you know like oh it's such a great horse i love having this horse and clean it up and brush it and feed it and you be your buddy i could totally see that but i haven't had that personal experience and i feel like at the end of the day the the justification of eating animals is pretty sketchy at best anyway i mean really we're just fucking murdering all these animals and eating has it really matter if it's a horse or a cow I became vegan for one year for no reason I wasn't like you know like an animal rights person anything I just like I wanted to see what I just for some reason it was kind of during my OCD just like animals are like filthy and filled with bacterians right so I stopped eating it's not healthy I don't like I was I got really really thin and like really tired all the time like I didn't do it correctly probably well there's that I'm sure but there's also there's there's certain needs that we have and one of them is the function that cholesterol has in brain function.

[1837] You know, cholesterol like, it's not all bad for you.

[1838] As a matter of fact, I read stuff.

[1839] When your doctor gives you the test, he tells you your good cholesterol and your bad cholesterol.

[1840] Yeah, but the good cholesterol comes from animal protein.

[1841] It comes from fish.

[1842] No, I felt like shit most of that time.

[1843] Some of it's from plants.

[1844] You can get, you can balance it out.

[1845] If you're really diligent...

[1846] Yeah, I have friends who are vegans who know how to do it correctly.

[1847] But it's a lot of work.

[1848] yeah um there's very few high level athletes that have done it that's one i was going to say there's got to be none the only i mean the only person i can think of well known didn't clinton didn't bill clinton become vegan because it's hard hard issues well he was about to die yeah that fat fuck was just fucking eating cheeseburgers constantly yeah cholesterol plays a critical role in brain function and cholesterol comes from animals i mean that's where it comes from i don't know if cholesterol is even available in the plant community, the plant kingdom, is it?

[1849] I don't think so.

[1850] You're asking the wrong guy?

[1851] I think cholesterol only comes from animals.

[1852] I'm pretty sure.

[1853] Cholesterol is a substance genetically painted as black by the medical and scientific community, but the fact remains it is a substance that is innate to the body and forms a critical part of, among other things, key hormones, vitamin D, and cell membranes.

[1854] It's also very concentrated in the brain.

[1855] contributes to the functioning of synapses, tiny gaps between the cells which allow nerves to communicate with each other.

[1856] That's one of the things that we had with Dave Asprey talked about this, and Rob Wolfe, from Rob Wolf, who's a primal diet advocate.

[1857] He's an advocate of the...

[1858] What's that diet?

[1859] Well, it's his whole, it's all the paleo.

[1860] The idea...

[1861] Yeah, look, Look, there's a lot of logic behind paleo diets when it comes to the human body not being designed to consume wheat, not being designed to eat pastas, and designed to eat lean, grass -fed protein and vegetables.

[1862] Like, that's really what we're supposed to eat.

[1863] What's the diet where you can, it all has to be stuff that you eat with use your hands to eat?

[1864] Is that what I'm thinking about is?

[1865] No, paleo, you can use forks.

[1866] No, no, but there's some buddy of mine who has some new diet, it's like the caveman diet where it's the only things you can eat that caveman would eat.

[1867] He's probably an idiot.

[1868] I didn't say he wasn't an idiot.

[1869] There's no reason to not use a fork.

[1870] The forks are so unnutricious.

[1871] I think he's, I think he was like the idea of anything.

[1872] Like you only eat stuff that cavemen would eat.

[1873] Oh, yeah.

[1874] Well, I think you're misreading what he's saying.

[1875] That's paleolithic era.

[1876] Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[1877] So I'm thinking about the right thing.

[1878] I just, I just said it incorrectly.

[1879] Well, no, it's not about utensils is what was wrong.

[1880] He was using that as a way to explain it to me. Oh, okay.

[1881] I see.

[1882] Because I don't understand things.

[1883] But the idea is that genetically were not much different from the, people that lived 40, 50 ,000 years ago.

[1884] In fact, we're probably exactly the same.

[1885] You could take a guy from 50 ,000 years ago as a homo sapian, dress them up and clothes, and stick them in a movie theater, and before the movie starts, you wouldn't even be able to figure out who the caveman is.

[1886] It's just once the movie begins and he starts fucking screaming and running out of the room, then, you know, that's the caveman.

[1887] Or depending on the movie, it might be me. You think?

[1888] That's screaming.

[1889] Yeah.

[1890] More than a caveman who's never seen a movie before?

[1891] Yeah, you're probably right.

[1892] What would be the one movie that would make you scream?

[1893] Les Miz, probably?

[1894] I don't know.

[1895] I saw that lay miss thing.

[1896] I'm like, if I had to choose between going to jail where nobody talked to me for 24 hours or watching Les Mizz for 24 hours straight, I think I would take solitary for a day.

[1897] How was it?

[1898] Nothing, I don't know.

[1899] I have no idea.

[1900] There's no way I'm going to see that.

[1901] No way I'm going to see a movie about a bunch of people crying that lived in a day where there was no TV or internet and they were all fucking singing everything and crying and draining.

[1902] That was one when a friend told me that it was so bad that you should maybe see it, that it would be fun.

[1903] But I don't know about you guys I'm not one of those guys who likes I don't get enjoyment out of things that are so bad They're good That's not fun for me I do out of some things Like um you ever see the day after tomorrow No It's that really bad movie about global warming Where uh it becomes like this crazy snowstorm that covers North America And everybody dies Except Dennis Quaid Who goes camping He's outside, it's fucking 100 million degrees below zero He's got a tent He's fine, just sipping coffee and shit And Dennis Quaid's like Get over here guys.

[1904] That's his voice through the whole movie.

[1905] Like he had a weird voice like it sounded like a South Park character.

[1906] What are you talking about?

[1907] Watch that movie and think of South Park and it sounds so much like a South Park.

[1908] You're totally making something up.

[1909] Pull up a scene.

[1910] Pull up a scene Dennis Quaid.

[1911] You totally made that up.

[1912] Yes, yeah.

[1913] First of all, he's a fine actor and you are disparaging that man's name and reputation the day after tomorrow.

[1914] This guy's got insurance.

[1915] You can't disparage his name.

[1916] Yeah, you can't do that, bro.

[1917] I have a fucking podcast to look out for.

[1918] Can't just be making shit up.

[1919] I just think...

[1920] Shut up, man. Stop it with the gay voice.

[1921] It's not a gay voice.

[1922] Listen, Paris Hilton is already mad at me. Or the other one, Perez Hilton.

[1923] One of those guys.

[1924] Check this out and tell me if this does not sound like somebody from South Park's doing Dennis Quaid's voice.

[1925] This better not be a parody site you took me to, you fuck.

[1926] 20th Century Fox presents 10 ,000 years ago.

[1927] One storm.

[1928] Change the face of our planet.

[1929] That is true, by the way.

[1930] This year, maybe not a storm, maybe it was an asteroid impact.

[1931] Pretty sure.

[1932] It will happen.

[1933] The meteorologist has a lost to explain what is causing this weather.

[1934] Are you getting with our cameras?

[1935] What you see is happening now.

[1936] JPA was backed by the largest hellthorn on a record.

[1937] Weather experts yesterday slamming.

[1938] It's snowing.

[1939] A tornado!

[1940] Yes, a twister.

[1941] This is just massive.

[1942] There is a wall of water.

[1943] is coming towards New York State.

[1944] Everybody is just out of your people.

[1945] If you're listening to this at home, this is not nearly as interesting as watching.

[1946] What can we do about this?

[1947] I forgot that Jake Gulenhall is in this.

[1948] The better they'll be.

[1949] It's easy for him to suggest this plan.

[1950] He's safely here in Washington.

[1951] His son is in Manhattan.

[1952] I'm the director.

[1953] I'm trying to read something.

[1954] Oh, so have I. That's him.

[1955] That's his voice.

[1956] What should we do?

[1957] I will come for you.

[1958] Do you understand me?

[1959] Shut up.

[1960] I will come for you.

[1961] Shut up.

[1962] shut it off you made things up again what turn it back on you made it turned my voice on you made it made it up again you fuck there's nothing wrong with that guy's voice I will come for you shut the fuck up I'll come for you I gotta go with Joe Rogan on this you just wasted our time you're the other one of played it I'm just saying that my opinion of Dennis Quaid's voice sounds like he sounds like Trey Parker that's what I'm saying that's all I'm saying you take it to that level for some reason you are absolutely incorrect he does not sound like Trey you lied That's your opinion.

[1963] That's your opinion.

[1964] Oh, my God.

[1965] Brian, we all heard it.

[1966] Hey, if he sounded totally normal, you're like, hi, guys, if that is not what he sounded like.

[1967] We listen to one sentence, by the way.

[1968] If you want to, if you don't, you put on some headphones and you play it and you find me a representative of what the fuck you were saying.

[1969] And if it's not true, we're going to hold you down.

[1970] It's not, it's not true thing.

[1971] I'm just saying I think Dennis Quaid's voice sounds like Trey Parker doing South Park.

[1972] That's all I'm saying.

[1973] I'm saying you might have brain damage.

[1974] I bet there's people that agree with me in that.

[1975] That'd be a mediator on this?

[1976] Three or four crazy fucks out there going, Yes, rap band, I'm on your side.

[1977] You are persecuted on that show.

[1978] You're totally correct.

[1979] And your assumption that he sounds like Trey Parker.

[1980] Hey, you sound just like, you sound like Dennis Quay just now.

[1981] Yes, a lot like what I wanted to sound like.

[1982] But that's a good example of a movie that's so bad that it becomes funny.

[1983] See, I haven't seen, after seeing that promo, I do want to watch.

[1984] Have you ever seen showgirls?

[1985] Yeah, that's a good, that's an example of a good movie, that's fun.

[1986] Are you seen the room?

[1987] What is the room?

[1988] You don't know, you guys know about the room?

[1989] Oh, yeah, I have that.

[1990] I have that on video.

[1991] Somebody made me buy it.

[1992] It's the best.

[1993] It's hilarious.

[1994] It's so bad, I can't get through it, though.

[1995] It's tough, but in the theaters, it's almost like I never saw a Rocky Or Picture Show or anything like that in the theaters.

[1996] But this is like, you go there.

[1997] I think the theater's gone, actually, where they used to play.

[1998] The one in Sunset?

[1999] It's there.

[2000] It's now it's a different theater or something.

[2001] Yeah.

[2002] For folks who don't know what we're talking about, the room, there was a billboard on La Sienega, no, no, on La Brea.

[2003] And that billboard was up for years.

[2004] That was the room, the movie.

[2005] And it was this guy's face.

[2006] Tommy Wiseau.

[2007] Who's this weird -looking dude who looks like a monster or something.

[2008] It looks like strange.

[2009] And he gets naked in the film.

[2010] Well, in the movie, he like gets to fuck all the girls.

[2011] And he's like the star of the movie.

[2012] He wrote the movie for himself, apparently.

[2013] And paid for it all, apparently.

[2014] and he yeah paid for the whole thing it was what happened here's the story I was told was that he put it in all these film festivals and some stoned kid at UCLA went to like the UCLA film by himself and just walked into this film and he comes back to his dorm room he goes dude I'm not positive but I think I just saw the best film ever made when you guys come back tonight they're playing it again and they moved back to 10 friends and they all thought it was fucking that's the ad is that ad still up they took it down but he paid to have it you know to put it it was he paid the money to make it in competition for the Oscars you know it costs a lot of money to like make your movie to you try to get nominated and it is I remember but I used to go to the screenings when they had like a few years ago and it was the funniest thing he would do Q &A's before he would go to every screening while people laughed at his film and he would go do a Q &A beforehand I remember one guy goes they would make up questions to see what kind of crazy answers he would come in And this guy goes, is it true that your film was funded by Nazi gold?

[2015] And this is how crazy the guy he was.

[2016] And he just goes, no comment.

[2017] Wow.

[2018] Like, you're supposed to say no, dude.

[2019] Yeah.

[2020] Like he did, obviously the answer is no, but he just doesn't really understand the questions.

[2021] Is that he doesn't understand it?

[2022] Or is that he's just so fucking stupid?

[2023] He's so dumb.

[2024] Trying to play cool.

[2025] Because I, uh, I, uh, I went there with my friends for my birthday and he signed my post.

[2026] poster, you know, happy birthday, Ben.

[2027] And I was walking, I went to the bathroom with the poster and he goes, you want me to autograph your poster?

[2028] I'm like, you just did five minutes ago.

[2029] He's like, I'll, oh, right, and he picks it out and you autographs it.

[2030] I have a poster of him, they autographed twice.

[2031] Wow.

[2032] So there's something wrong with him?

[2033] There's something really wrong, but he's got a lot of money.

[2034] Where does money?

[2035] That's the thing.

[2036] No one knows.

[2037] Hmm.

[2038] Not Nazi, well, it could be Nazi gold.

[2039] We don't know.

[2040] He didn't come.

[2041] Whoa.

[2042] So maybe he's like a vampire or something.

[2043] That people have had the vampire.

[2044] Like, people are trying to find pictures of him in the daylight.

[2045] Because people claim he's a vampire.

[2046] Well, he looks like a vampire.

[2047] He's got a very vampire.

[2048] If you look at the movie, the poster, rather, the room, the movie.

[2049] When I was on the road, I thought it was a horror movie.

[2050] It looks like a horror movie.

[2051] Because he's brooding.

[2052] His hair is long.

[2053] He looks like Chris Gaines.

[2054] He claims.

[2055] Chris Gaines if he was.

[2056] Yeah.

[2057] What if he was the whole time?

[2058] What if it was Garth Brooks's new role?

[2059] I think I fucked up when I told him it was Garth Brooks.

[2060] If I just make movies as this new dude.

[2061] I'm telling you, man. But didn't they remake...

[2062] Fucking Moody sometimes!

[2063] Didn't they remake the trailers of the room and turn it into like a comedy?

[2064] When they found out people were laughing, they made it trailer?

[2065] Apparently, he tried to pretend that he meant to do it, yeah.

[2066] Everything wrong with the room in eight minutes or less.

[2067] Spoilers, duh.

[2068] Oh, awesome.

[2069] This is great.

[2070] Written by Tommy Wissue and the Holy Ghost.

[2071] Look, the weird...

[2072] Okay, he comes in and there's a really hot girl.

[2073] Let's count up every time.

[2074] Tommy says hot.

[2075] Here we go.

[2076] Oh, hi, Danny.

[2077] Hi.

[2078] Hi, Dougie, hi, babe.

[2079] Oh, hi, Mark.

[2080] Oh, hi, Danny.

[2081] Oh, hi, Mike.

[2082] Oh, hi, Mark.

[2083] He introduces himself to everyone over and over there.

[2084] So he's got this weird look, too.

[2085] The guy's got long, obviously dyed black hair, and he looks like he's probably in his, like, late 40s.

[2086] But, like, really, like, harsh features.

[2087] But he's playing, like, a 23 -year -old.

[2088] Yeah, but he's playing, like, this stud.

[2089] And so he hooks up with all these girls in this movie, so he's always, like, banging.

[2090] He's, like, banging left and right in this movie.

[2091] Oh, I love this.

[2092] song.

[2093] When laying down the soundtrack, the record skipped.

[2094] Oh, hi, Johnny.

[2095] I didn't know it was you.

[2096] The flower shop owner doesn't know it's Johnny, even though no one on the entire earth looks like Johnny.

[2097] You're my favorite customer.

[2098] So what was up with not recognizing me?

[2099] You're my favorite customer customer?

[2100] Holy shit, Denny is a creepy bastard.

[2101] I'm just kidding.

[2102] Holy shit, Denny is a creepy bastard.

[2103] Tommy Wazzo reads lines he wrote like he doesn't understand them.

[2104] I think I will ever get it.

[2105] They betrayed me. They didn't keep their promise.

[2106] They trick me, and I don't care anymore.

[2107] The best drink to give someone who doesn't drink is a combination of scotch and vodka.

[2108] If you love me. Scots and vodka.

[2109] Yeah, that was his drink in the movie.

[2110] Scotch and vodka.

[2111] Scotch and it's good.

[2112] Scotchka is not your mother's cookie.

[2113] You do not need to lie about Scotchka.

[2114] That's Mokane.

[2115] Mokane.

[2116] Yeah, it is a weird movie.

[2117] I recommend that movie to everyone.

[2118] It's the fucking bad.

[2119] As someone who doesn't like that kind of stuff, as I was saying that.

[2120] They have screenings all the time still, I guess.

[2121] Where are they now?

[2122] I get invited all the time in, I think, maybe the silent movie theater or somewhere like that.

[2123] That's probably where it is it, because it wasn't that Sunset 5, and now that's, like, Robert Redford Theater.

[2124] Yeah, it seems like it would be a good thing to go to, get a little drunk and go with a bunch of friends.

[2125] It is.

[2126] I've got, yeah.

[2127] It's fun.

[2128] Until that theater closed, they would have, like, four room, you know, no point.

[2129] Like, four different screens going on at once and pack the place.

[2130] For the room?

[2131] Yes.

[2132] And people, and he would be there.

[2133] Like, people are laughing at his movie.

[2134] It's crazy.

[2135] Wow.

[2136] Well, I guess for a guy like that, he must be so torn because it's obviously getting a lot of attention.

[2137] And getting his money.

[2138] And he's getting his money back and he's becoming famous.

[2139] Yeah, but I feel like his fame, don't you feel like his famous died down?

[2140] Like, it's kind of old news.

[2141] Maybe he'll come back again.

[2142] He was telling people he's doing a new movie with De Niro, which is obviously made up.

[2143] But I haven't heard what he's up to as well.

[2144] He never know, man. De Niro's been doing some fucking pretty whack movies lately.

[2145] I don't know.

[2146] You see that one that he did with Sharon Stone where he's a wizard or something like that?

[2147] No, what was that?

[2148] What was that movie?

[2149] Pull up the, the, the, the, the, the, the photo, he's done some fucking clearly gets paid movies.

[2150] I guess the DVD of the room the commentary, the director's commentary, is gold.

[2151] Really?

[2152] I can only imagine.

[2153] This guy talking about his motivation, each individual scene.

[2154] Someone posted online, too, the auditions.

[2155] For this movie?

[2156] For the movie?

[2157] Oh, God.

[2158] Oh, no, I can't watch.

[2159] Well, one of the things about moving to Hollywood, I moved here in 94.

[2160] I had no experience whatsoever with actors.

[2161] I didn't know any.

[2162] I knew comics who a lot of people will say that comics are a lot like actors because they're very needy and they're very self -centered.

[2163] But I don't find that to be true.

[2164] I think the really good comics especially, they're really interesting people.

[2165] They're fun to hang out with and talk to.

[2166] But actors, I've met some actors that were so bizarrely self -centered and so bizarrely, like, unaware of how a normal person would look at them and how they behave that this kind of the room movie thing makes sense to me if you didn't live here and didn't know these people in real life yeah it's weird you say that I wonder if you were not in L .A. if you would it would be as funny right yeah yeah yeah it's really a you're laughing at it because it's a because you live in Hollywood it's the worst representative of that guy exactly you know that guy totally yeah and there's probably a piece of me in that guy a very small piece but still, you know, like, I would, I'm sure I've auditioned for shit worse than that.

[2167] Actually, not worse than that, but, you know, I've auditioned for some shit.

[2168] I've met people that were completely crazy, that were making their own movies and coming up to you with this project they're trying to do.

[2169] I know a lot of those people still.

[2170] My God.

[2171] Have you ever seen Windy City Heat?

[2172] Yeah, I was just going to say the same thing.

[2173] That's, what the fuck is funnier than Windy City Heat?

[2174] What's funnier?

[2175] Well, that guy, the problem with Wendy City Heat is, I know that guy.

[2176] That guy is always around.

[2177] He was always around the comic store.

[2178] That guy was annoying as fuck.

[2179] and they like they sort of legitimized him in a way and gave him some juice well it was funny too because I just did again I'm not to brag but I was I did I did Kimmel last week and so like all the writer you know he produced that film and so all the writers and producing stuff are like you know they'll be nice to me and I'm just like it's Sal Steinbergowitz green but you know I'm like you know uncle's cousin Sal like I know him from Windy City Heat right like the right like mole I know him from the movie and stuff as opposed to like their jobs on Kimmel right right right watched wendy city heat so many aren't they doing a new one I keep hearing about it uh they filmed the about five years ago they filmed the beginning part like like like like I like just to try it out you know like the idea of Johnny Knoxville was supposed to take over as scary Perry and I actually got to sit there in the filming and I sat next to Jimmy Kimmel watching this and it was beautiful and then scary Perry comes in and goes now I'm scary Perry you know and stuff and I don't know whatever happened to it's also made a ding -dong show movie that immediately got shelved for some reason.

[2180] Only a few people saw it, and I heard it was really awesome.

[2181] Well, there's a Winnie City, Big Three podcast.

[2182] It's really funny, but I don't listen to it.

[2183] Well, the ding -dong movie, the problem of the ding -dong movie would be that I guarantee the people in the ding -dong movie probably protested them getting put in the movie to be mocked like that.

[2184] You never heard of the ding -dong show.

[2185] Don Barris, who's a buddy of ours, does a show at the comedy store on a regular basis where he brings the worst acts known to man. Like, this guy, Peter Chen and these terrible terrible comedians and they go up.

[2186] He's one of the big three from Wendy City Heat and he's always been doing this Don's been doing this almost like there's this constant running art project since the beginning of time as long as I've known him he's had these shows there where he would do these these ding -dong shows where he just has these unbelievably bad comedians and he treats them like their artists and you know they go up and I know I see I still haven't seen it live but we did the podcast at Death Squad yeah he does uh how many he's done how many so far We just finished our 13th week.

[2187] I'll listen to that.

[2188] Yeah, he's a great guy, too.

[2189] He's a, and he's in Windy City Heat too, right?

[2190] Yep.

[2191] He's, he's one of the big three.

[2192] He's the star.

[2193] Don Barris is awesome.

[2194] He's a great guy, too.

[2195] He's like one of those guys that, like, he's, like, to me, he's like a hidden treasure in the world of entertainment.

[2196] It's like, how do I fuck the more people not know about Don Barris?

[2197] Yeah.

[2198] I mean, watching him every night, it's amazing that he does what he does every single fucking night.

[2199] He does that.

[2200] And, I mean, he's there every night at three.

[2201] He does Kimmel, and then he goes straight there.

[2202] Yeah.

[2203] And he's there every morning until three in the morning, just, like, entertaining.

[2204] Like, sometimes two people in the audience, you know, one person in the audience.

[2205] Sometimes he's people in the parking lot.

[2206] Sometimes he'll do a set in the parking lot.

[2207] He's hilarious, and he's a great guy.

[2208] He just, for whatever reason, the world hasn't found his place yet.

[2209] But, no, I've, like, Windy City Heat is different than the room.

[2210] I'll show that to friends, like, back in Kentucky, and they'll be cracking up, and they give it to their friends.

[2211] Have you seen Showgirls?

[2212] Yes, showgirls is a showgirls.

[2213] Roadhouse?

[2214] But Wendy City Heat's a legitimately good movie, yeah.

[2215] Yeah.

[2216] Well, Wendy City Heat's a good on purpose.

[2217] Yes, exactly.

[2218] We're at Showgirls in Roadhouse, we're like...

[2219] Showgirls is probably the best example of what we were talking.

[2220] Roadhouse is the best example of a cocaine movie.

[2221] Well, you know that they were on Coke when they were making that movie.

[2222] Like, there's no other way you could think this was good.

[2223] You've got to be coked.

[2224] I would go, oh, yeah, fuck yeah.

[2225] Tell them pain don't hurt.

[2226] Pain don't hurt.

[2227] I think that's most of the 80s movies, probably.

[2228] Showgirls, too.

[2229] Showgirls reeks of coke.

[2230] Certainly in the writing.

[2231] Yeah.

[2232] Well, in the performance, too.

[2233] The whole thing is just chaos.

[2234] It's just like, you thought this was what?

[2235] and you took the girl from saved by the bell and what and how come no way we talked during doing some squats before this movie exactly what how much did that how much of a it was a horrible bomb right oh yeah well I think it made money though it had to have so many people yeah over time they have those special editions now where you can buy it with like the comes with like the stripper stuff the scene where they fuck where she fucks that guy from what was that that uh what was that show blue velvet was that comic lockman yeah that guy remember she fucks him in the pool holy it's the most ridiculous thing ever she starts flopping around and slapping the water like a fish while he's banging her and he's just like yeah yeah it's a long way down from Blue Velvet and you're like what are you doing no one fucks like that stop this this doesn't make any sense but in the movie it totally made sense like yeah flop the water she's wild she's unpredictable cut get in my trailer suck my cock get it hard get it hard we got to film this fucking movie.

[2236] I finish this movie so you could suck my cock more.

[2237] All right.

[2238] Action!

[2239] It's a fucking chaotic, crazy movie.

[2240] Have you seen Grizzly, man?

[2241] Yes.

[2242] I would say it's better than showgirls.

[2243] Yes.

[2244] Maybe the greatest movie ever made.

[2245] It is a great movie.

[2246] As far as documentaries, when I recommend people, if they say if you recommend a documentary, I say Grizzly, man. It's weird because mine would be the one I said before, the staircase that you've got to see.

[2247] That one bums me out, man. No, you'll love it.

[2248] You'll love it.

[2249] I'm trying to think...

[2250] But, yeah, I spend most of my...

[2251] If I'm going to watch a movie, I'll watch a documentary way before any kind of...

[2252] That's all I watch is documentaries.

[2253] Yeah, I've been watching quite a few of them lately.

[2254] There's...

[2255] This is a good time for documentaries.

[2256] I love that.

[2257] I have the Apple iTunes or whatever the fuck it is.

[2258] What's the...

[2259] Apple TV?

[2260] Apple TV.

[2261] Yeah.

[2262] Apple TV.

[2263] And you go to the documentary section, and it's just documentary, documentary.

[2264] I mean, there's so many.

[2265] I saw this really good...

[2266] Dave Grohl made this Sound City movie.

[2267] Yeah.

[2268] About that studio.

[2269] Did you watch that?

[2270] I didn't watch it yet.

[2271] It was really cool.

[2272] He got the thumbs up over here.

[2273] It was great, man. It was like the story of this recording studio.

[2274] I think it was in the Valley, right?

[2275] Yeah.

[2276] It's Northridge, I believe.

[2277] Yeah, it's like all this, like, never mind.

[2278] All these classic albums, Fleetwood Rumors was made there.

[2279] Wow.

[2280] The story of all these great fucking albums.

[2281] And Dave Grohl made the movie, and it's fucking great.

[2282] Rumors doesn't get nearly enough credit in the world of great albums.

[2283] And people don't talk about, like, Fleetwood Mac.

[2284] What's better than Rumors?

[2285] It's fucking phenomenal You and else is great too I just talking about this with a friend Tusk is pretty amazing too It's pretty fucking good Yeah, both of them Dude Fleetwood Mac was badass At their height there wasn't much better Yeah I was listening The other day You know Jam band's all about Timberlake over there That song you make love and fun God damn that's a good song Well the rumors is spotless Yeah Yeah And I say Tusk is too But some people would argue But I love that album I heard Gene Simmons Simmons made a tweet about a video that I've been meeting and watched for a while called Searching for Sugar Man. Oh, I saw it.

[2286] How good was that?

[2287] It's really good.

[2288] I have a very cynical view of documentaries sometimes, so I'm not sure how much.

[2289] But I actually, I Googled it, and I didn't find much.

[2290] What I do is I watch documentaries, and I Google it and see how much.

[2291] Like, if there's a lot of people talking about how it's bullshit.

[2292] Right.

[2293] And the bullshit meter on that one was pretty low.

[2294] So it could be.

[2295] Well, tell people what the story.

[2296] It's a guy who was a musician in Michigan, and it was like made two albums that no one had heard of.

[2297] And he thought he worked at maybe some kind of factory or something.

[2298] He was unknown for 30 years.

[2299] Turns out his albums had taken off in South Africa.

[2300] South Africa.

[2301] And he was part of the apartheid movement, really.

[2302] It was the soundtrack to his albums that he didn't know he was so famous over there.

[2303] Like Elvis, famous.

[2304] And people thought the story had come out that he died.

[2305] And like 20 years later, someone heard the news that he wasn't died, didn't die.

[2306] living in an apartment in in Detroit and they brought him back it comes back, it's almost like an anvil type thing where he comes back and he's like goes over there and just plays these stadiums and now he played Letterman I think he's now going on tour and playing big gigs.

[2307] He was huge and meanwhile just had a family normal guy, raised his daughters but had no idea that he was told that these albums were bombs that didn't make a penny.

[2308] Well meanwhile it's good music.

[2309] It's pretty good yeah yeah but he might just saw the show here said it was good.

[2310] We were talking about our friends Honey Honey I found out about Honey Honey through a guy on my message board who just sent me a dude named Balls of Steel that's his name sent me this link and said this is going to be your new favorite band and I went there It's like country rock Like sort of rock countryish It's very hard to describe But when we When I listen to it I went How the fuck are they not famous Like every now and then You'll hear music And the whole They have two CDs And both of them Are excellent And I'm going to go listen to There's The first one is called First Rodeo, and then the second one, I forget what the name of the second one is, but whatever it is.

[2311] It's fucking amazing.

[2312] It's like you listen to it and you go, how the fuck are these guys are not famous?

[2313] Yeah, yeah, it's on iTunes.

[2314] Yeah, it's on iTunes.

[2315] I'll check it out.

[2316] But I think it's hard as fuck to make it in the world of music today, especially because of the fact that there's not that much out there as far as like radio.

[2317] There's no, dude, it's important.

[2318] If you want to play instruments, fucking forget.

[2319] And it's not that much as far as like being able to set.

[2320] being able to sell videos and shit or being able to sell records like good fucking luck man although it has spread out too you can make it's easier to make a living like a low you know low money there's more there's more bands making like 50 grandee or than they're ever were but there's nobody making that like big money yeah well this band um they you know they've been touring around the country and they're slowly starting to take steam but it doesn't make any sense when you see some of the shit that's famous and some of the people that are famous like these guys are like completely totally legit like how are they not huge but i don't even listen to the radio i mean do you listen to like music on the radio k rock i listen to in l .a upon occasion but for the most part no but it's just it takes more than being talented today today we're in this weird like void area where what you're starting to get is people that become famous through the internet through you know people retweeting and and sending their you know youtube likes and stuff like that like you're starting to see that but like putting out a CD and just releasing it in a record store like it doesn't happen anymore it's so those days are gone yeah doesn't exist yeah you have to have an internet presence which which is cool if you were a band let's say from a small town in kentucky and you wanted to get your music out there it's a different world you can get it to get it everywhere but yeah the it's harder to make that giant leap yeah Yeah, well, but you made it, dude.

[2321] Look at you.

[2322] Yeah, exactly.

[2323] The fucking comedy central.

[2324] The fucking biggest, I'm the hottest comedian showbiz.

[2325] Live in large.

[2326] Did they let you into the Daniel Tosh Hooker Factory?

[2327] Where you go and see all the process.

[2328] Oh, yeah, I've been there all the time.

[2329] No, I've never met him.

[2330] They give you the golden robe.

[2331] Listen, I got to get some higher numbers before I get to that.

[2332] Yeah, Tosh apparently can sell out stadiums with one tweet.

[2333] Seriously?

[2334] Yeah, apparently he puts out one tweet and he sells out like 20 stadiums in a row.

[2335] Yeah, he's bawling.

[2336] The lead in to my.

[2337] My show is a rerun of his show that beats my show.

[2338] I mean, like an old rerun.

[2339] It's a fucking good show, man. Anybody who has anything to say bad about that show is a hater.

[2340] That's a good, solid fucking show.

[2341] Listen, man, I can't say anything bad about a show that paid for my show.

[2342] You know, what am I going to say?

[2343] Hey, I recommend Tosh Point Hole, by the way, which is one of the movies at the hotel in San Diego.

[2344] It's a gay Tosh parody.

[2345] No, you don't recommend that.

[2346] Stop it.

[2347] Was that really in a hotel?

[2348] Yeah.

[2349] That's not cool.

[2350] Dosh Point Hole.

[2351] How rude you fuck.

[2352] Yeah.

[2353] This Friday night, Brian, is going to be at the Ice House in Pasadena with Tony Hinchcliffe.

[2354] Who else?

[2355] Kevin Christie, Allison Shula, and there's a bunch of people that are going to be added to the show the next day or two.

[2356] But tickets are at icehouse comedy .com.

[2357] It's at 10 o 'clock.

[2358] Yeah, and that place is the Ice House.

[2359] If you've never been there, to us, like right now, that's like our base.

[2360] That's pretty much our home base, right?

[2361] I mean, that's kind of mecca for comedians these days.

[2362] It's a really unusual spot.

[2363] It's a beautiful club.

[2364] Pasadena.

[2365] It's the oldest club in the country, I believe.

[2366] I think it was in the 1950s that they first opened.

[2367] It became a comedy club in the 60s.

[2368] 51st anniversary.

[2369] Jesus Christ, 51st fucking anniversary.

[2370] That's insanity, man. That is a long time.

[2371] And that's what Steve Martin used to do it.

[2372] In his book that you can get on Audible, he talks about the Ice House throughout that whole book.

[2373] Yeah, I read that book, but after your recommendation, I want to listen to that book.

[2374] Yeah, well, we're there all the time.

[2375] I'll be there probably again next week when I get back from Nashville this weekend.

[2376] I'll schedule something.

[2377] And we try to do it, like, last time was Ari and Ian and Brian.

[2378] And we just try to do, like, all of our friends.

[2379] And it's a beautiful, awesome club just to be in.

[2380] It's a part of comedy history.

[2381] It really is.

[2382] And we support that place like it's a goddamn thing.

[2383] Yeah, that was a great show, man. Last Wednesday, that was a great show.

[2384] It was pretty fun, man. Oh, yeah, that was the drunk name.

[2385] Yeah, that was the full.

[2386] I was fucked up on stage.

[2387] It was funny.

[2388] We were all fucked up.

[2389] Yeah.

[2390] I don't know.

[2391] Yeah, Shane, I haven't talked to Shane since.

[2392] I called him to apologize the next day.

[2393] I'm like, I might have yelled at you, man. I don't know what I did.

[2394] Did he answer the phone?

[2395] Did he text or call back?

[2396] Uh -oh.

[2397] No, he's tweeted me. He's all right.

[2398] It's just, but I think I yelled at some other dude named Matt.

[2399] It's a lot.

[2400] Do you drink Ben?

[2401] I'm used to drink a lot.

[2402] I'm not on purpose.

[2403] I just, I'm just getting too old for it or something.

[2404] I don't know.

[2405] How old are you?

[2406] I'm 37.

[2407] How dare you?

[2408] Yeah.

[2409] He's too old to try.

[2410] I just started drinking jacks.

[2411] No, I just, I don't know, I can't hold my alcohol anymore.

[2412] It's just weird.

[2413] The last, like, five times I drank has been really odd.

[2414] Ben, you need to party with some looser -minded people.

[2415] You need to hang with us a little bit.

[2416] I'm down.

[2417] Let's do it.

[2418] Ice House?

[2419] Let's do it.

[2420] Yeah.

[2421] Let's do it.

[2422] Ice House.

[2423] I'm fucking there, man. I'm there.

[2424] Ben Hoffman, thank you for coming aboard, man. Thank you so much for, thanks for having me, man. Folks, Thursday nights, Comedy Central, watch the shit out of the Ben Hoffman show because it's fucking awesome.

[2425] It's called The Ben Show, and you can catch it every Thursday night at...

[2426] 10 p .m. on Comedy Central.

[2427] The new Comedy Central.

[2428] Comedy Central's taken off, bitches.

[2429] They got it together now.

[2430] They got it together now.

[2431] And if you're watching on Ustream, watch...

[2432] Shall I say for that?

[2433] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2434] If you watch on Ustream live, watch tonight, 1030 Eastern 7 .30 here after the Warcoholic season finale.

[2435] What's the Ustream channel that it's on?

[2436] No, I'm saying, if people are watching us live right now, they can watch it.

[2437] Another episode is a new one tonight.

[2438] And you're going to live tweet tonight, correct?

[2439] I'm going to live tweet tonight.

[2440] That is The Ben Show on Twitter.

[2441] The Ben Show, one word.

[2442] Ben Hoffman, you're a prince among men.

[2443] Thank you, sir.

[2444] Thank you.

[2445] very much for having me. I had a blast.

[2446] Thank you to the House of Thrones for sending me this amazing gift.

[2447] That thing's awesome.

[2448] I'm honored.

[2449] I can't wait for March 31st.

[2450] For the new season.

[2451] Holy shit.

[2452] Places the theme when you open it.

[2453] God damn it, we're living in the future.

[2454] Living in the future, you're fucks.

[2455] Thanks to audible .com for sponsoring our podcast.

[2456] Go to audible .com forward slash Joe for a free audiobook and for 30 free days of audible .com service.

[2457] hundred more than a hundred thousand titles choose from amazing audio book selection very cool company please support them as they support us um thanks to onit .com that's oh n n i t makers of primal bells that's right you dirty bitches we got kettlebells with a fucking angry chimpanzee face on and that's just the beginning we'll have some more crazy stuff coming soon kettlebells dvds and lots of groovy supplements for health fitness welfare and cognition if you use the code name Rogan, you will save 10 % off any and all supplements.

[2458] All right, folks, we love the shit out of you.

[2459] We'll see you next Monday with the Great Bill Burr.

[2460] We will also have Dr. Chris Ryan will be joining us again on the podcast.

[2461] And Stanley Krippner will be joining us in a special Saturday.

[2462] Very prestigious scientists, prestigious, well -regarded scientist, who's going to come and talk to us.

[2463] We got Douglas Rushkoff coming in.

[2464] We've got a lot of really cool guests coming up.

[2465] We appreciate the fuck out of all the positive energy and tweets.

[2466] We're number one right now on iTunes in the comedy department, and don't think that we don't appreciate all the love and all the support.

[2467] And we're completely totally committed to keeping this fucking train rolling, all right?

[2468] I'm done.

[2469] God damn.

[2470] I can't talk forever.

[2471] We love you.

[2472] You keep it together, you fucks.

[2473] We'll see you in a couple of days or something.

[2474] See ya.