Amanda Peet

[0] Welcome, welcome, welcome to armchair expert.

[1] I'm Dax Shepard.

[2] I'm joined by Monica Lily Padman.

[3] Hi.

[4] Boy, what a party, Amanda Pete is.

[5] This was such a fun day.

[6] Fucking A, Amanda Pete.

[7] We laughed a lot in this interview.

[8] I don't know if we covered anything.

[9] Who cares?

[10] But it doesn't matter because it was just fun.

[11] It was just a fucking party.

[12] Amanda Pete is an actor, a writer, a producer.

[13] You know her from Dirty John, Brockmeyer, the whole nine yards.

[14] A lot like love, saving Silverman.

[15] And she is a new show out called The Chair.

[16] And it's great.

[17] Solid, solid show.

[18] Yep.

[19] Yes, so she is a creator of that show.

[20] So really great conversation, such a party.

[21] Please enjoy Amanda Pete.

[22] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair expert early and ad free right now.

[23] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[24] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[25] He's an ultra best time.

[26] Hi, Amanda Pete.

[27] Are you feeling frisky today?

[28] Because it's Friday, and we're a pretty frisky feeling.

[29] Okay.

[30] I'll be frisky if you guys want to be frisky.

[31] No, I want you to be true and authentic to yourself.

[32] But if you are feeling frisky, let's fucking party.

[33] That's all.

[34] What does that mean true and authentic to yourself?

[35] Well, I don't want you to fake an emotion for my benefit.

[36] I don't want you to be codependent.

[37] But if you are feeling just a, twinge frisky, then all I'm saying is feel free to lean into it.

[38] That's all.

[39] Are you guys both drinking coffee?

[40] Do you both like the same thing?

[41] I have a matcha latte.

[42] Oh, matcha.

[43] Right.

[44] Yes.

[45] It's so good.

[46] We got addicted to this macha machine.

[47] Cousin, Cousin, Cousin.

[48] Do you drink matcha?

[49] I don't.

[50] You will.

[51] You should try it.

[52] If you use this Cousan machine, you'll drink it all day.

[53] It's addictive.

[54] Okay.

[55] It makes the matcha into, it atomizes it.

[56] It's a myth.

[57] It's a myth.

[58] It starts as a leaf.

[59] And this machine makes it a mist that falls into your cup and it swirls it around.

[60] And it is, it is primo.

[61] Mists of a leaf doesn't exactly wet my appetite.

[62] But just try it.

[63] What are the health benefits again?

[64] You consume the whole leaf of the tea instead of just the whatever.

[65] And because of that, it comes with some fiber.

[66] It also makes you absorb the caffeine a little differently.

[67] It is used by Buddhist monks to meditate because it gives you a caffeine little bump, but it doesn't make you jittery.

[68] It's kind of like a sedated high of caffeine.

[69] Tell me how you feel about that.

[70] As soon as anyone says that something makes you meditative, I immediately say to myself, there's a defense mechanism that goes off that it's like you're Jewish, you're incapable of shutting down the rumination, and people say these things and they don't understand your jittery little Jew brain.

[71] Uh -huh, uh -huh.

[72] We have ruminating brains as well.

[73] We have Jew brains, too, because we...

[74] I think we have to cut that out.

[75] No, we don't.

[76] No, we know.

[77] That's a huge compliment.

[78] Did you just see this?

[79] Dude.

[80] Real life spit tape.

[81] Oh, my God.

[82] I'm so flattered.

[83] Girl, we have real spit tape at, like, what time is it?

[84] 11 a .m.?

[85] The goal of this is that you pee your pants, just a tiny bit at some point.

[86] Okay, I like that goal.

[87] Wait, are you in L .A.?

[88] I am, yeah.

[89] Oh, then why aren't we together?

[90] Are you nervous?

[91] I don't know.

[92] I thought they were like, it doesn't matter.

[93] No, I pushed for in person, but they might have been nervous for you.

[94] Yeah, because we wanted to see your face.

[95] I mean, we're seeing it, but we wanted to see it differently.

[96] But people are concerned about Delta, I guess.

[97] That's a fair point.

[98] Not my daughter, Delta.

[99] They were not nervous that she was going to attack you.

[100] By the way, oh my God, you're the perfect person to tell this to.

[101] So for the last two years, I guess my very very.

[102] good high school friend Ken Kennedy.

[103] He had a daughter.

[104] Love Game of Thrones.

[105] Callisi aspirational character names the daughter Calisi before the last season.

[106] And so I've been making fun of him for like a year.

[107] And then guess what?

[108] Poetic Justice.

[109] Now there's a fucking disease named after my daughter.

[110] That must be semi -common that that's happened.

[111] People name their daughter's callisi.

[112] I haven't heard about it in a while.

[113] But closer to the time of the ending of Game of Thrones.

[114] Yeah, there was, we got some calls.

[115] Or David and Dan got some calls, I should say.

[116] It's so wonderful.

[117] I guess it would be like Sam from Cheers.

[118] The full run of Cheers.

[119] Sam's the hero, aspirational.

[120] Sam Malone.

[121] You name your son, Sam.

[122] And then in the last season, Sam murders the bartender.

[123] Right.

[124] But it's even worse because she actually stood for cultural change and feminism and.

[125] female empowerment.

[126] And there aren't other Colise's to say, oh, it's actually named after this other police.

[127] Right, right.

[128] It's very obvious.

[129] Right.

[130] Unlike Sam, there's nowhere to run.

[131] There's nowhere to hide.

[132] That's right.

[133] No, it's Calisi.

[134] It's definitely that Calisi.

[135] Oh, boy.

[136] We're also chewing on tea tree oil toothpicks.

[137] I wanted to put that out there because she's definitely going to notice us chewing on them.

[138] The real takeaway is that you're wearing overall.

[139] Oh, we love overalls.

[140] Yeah, how do you feel about that?

[141] Because I got to tell you, I'm going to own a bunch of my stuff.

[142] So I met you long, long ago.

[143] Yeah.

[144] And I was really excited to meet you.

[145] I'd seen you in so many movies coming of age and becoming online in that way.

[146] And then when I met you, I got this distinct feeling, you know what?

[147] She thinks I'm just a dirty hillbilly.

[148] Hold on, bear with me. And so that was my initial conclusion.

[149] But then I was around you and you're friends with the Batemans.

[150] We're friends with the Bateman's.

[151] And I was like, this woman's wonderful and kick ass.

[152] And I really love her.

[153] But initially, I felt like you thought I was a piece of shit.

[154] So when I wore these overalls today, I got to say it crossed my mind, like, is she going to think this is shitty of me?

[155] I love overalls, and I wear them.

[156] I do worry that I'm approaching 50 and that soon it's going to be sort of weird, almost like one of those pictures that the things my daughter makes where it's like, you do the head, and then the next person does the next part and the next person does the next part.

[157] like you would like see my sneakers and my overalls and then you get to my face and be like ah yes yes like oh my god this poor grandma was abducted and they put her in these kids clothes when she escaped the house the only clothes she could take where the teenage daughters close and also you don't garden like you haven't earned those overalls i'm saying am auntie okay so that's great so that's a good distinction so it sounds like your issue would be more that people are confusing you for a laborer.

[158] Mine is, specifically this.

[159] Like, I'm getting to a point where it's like, I love working out.

[160] I love having muscles.

[161] When am I no longer in on the joke?

[162] Like, you don't want to be jacked at 58.

[163] It looks crazy.

[164] Yes, yes.

[165] I'm having an issue right now about, like, where am I?

[166] How off is my perception?

[167] Like, am I older than the mom?

[168] in E .T. Oh, my God.

[169] Certainly.

[170] Certainly.

[171] I don't know when the last time you watched E .T. was, but I watched it with my kids and I had to explain them.

[172] Oh, right.

[173] In the 80s, every movie had a 50 -year -old man married to a 22 -year -old woman.

[174] Like, we just got to, you got to know that that's kind of how they built these movies in the 80s.

[175] Because the kids are like, why is the wife so young?

[176] And you're like, I don't have an answer for that other than the 80s.

[177] And then older than everybody in Big Chill.

[178] Oh, that's a good bar to be measuring yourself against it's a depressing bar it is i bet you i'm 12 years older than smoking in the bandit burt reynolds wait i took me a minute i was like wait what's the other one oh yeah cannonball run we were gonna try to watch that and then we ordered it with my whole family for thanksgiving and then we saw the poster and we were like um yeah we like 16 candles we try to explain there's a date rape but like we just as soon as we saw the poster, the cover on the DVD, we were like, yeah, maybe this isn't going to hold up this one.

[179] Yeah, what is the biggest misfire you've had showing your kid?

[180] You have three kids?

[181] Yes.

[182] And what are their ages?

[183] 14, 11, and 6.

[184] Oh, you have a six -year -old.

[185] So do we.

[186] Delta, the disease.

[187] Wait, what did Amanda just say?

[188] I saw Amanda Anka this morning.

[189] She said to say hi to you.

[190] She said something like, that was a big oops.

[191] And I was like, oh, yeah, just like Henry.

[192] Uh -huh.

[193] So what's the biggest misfire of movies you've shown them with, like, great anticipation of how much they're going to love it?

[194] Well, there are two different issues.

[195] One is, like, the issue of the movies being offensive.

[196] And then the other is that I think something's so brilliant and funny, like, Tootsie.

[197] And the whole time I put it on, I'm, like, watching my daughter, like, talk about, like, codependent.

[198] Like, I'm basically like, this is funny.

[199] This is going to be funny.

[200] You're going to feel this way about this.

[201] Because I'm going to make you feel this way.

[202] And she's just like, this is boring.

[203] Boring.

[204] Yeah, what an experience.

[205] It makes me think of when someone's listening to some music, and you just, out of banal kindness, you go, what are you listening to?

[206] And then they put the headphones in your ear, and then they stare at your face waiting to see if you're going to have the same emotional reaction.

[207] It's possible that she didn't like Tutsi B. because I was that psycho person, like, staring at her and pressing the earphones against her brain to make sure she was getting all of Tutsi's brilliance.

[208] Like she was in a clinical study of how children react to Tutsi.

[209] So can I tell you, mine was...

[210] Yeah, what's yours?

[211] I'm like, oh, my God, Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure.

[212] Man, they're going to love this.

[213] I show it to him, and within, like, 10 minutes, they look at me and they go, what is he?

[214] And I go, what do you mean?

[215] And they're like, is he a kid or an adult?

[216] And I'm like, oh, man. Yeah, if I say adult, then the next question is like, what's going on with him?

[217] Mental development wise.

[218] So it felt to me like the options were either to say, no, he's a kid or no, he's an adult that has some developmental issues.

[219] Yeah, what is he?

[220] Exactly.

[221] What the fuck is he?

[222] And all of his friends are adults and their kids, too.

[223] They're riding bikes, but they all live at home by themselves.

[224] They couldn't lock into the concept.

[225] And I understand.

[226] And I don't know why we unquestioningly watch that.

[227] Like, oh, yeah, he's a thing.

[228] He's just a thing.

[229] He's also wearing lipstick.

[230] Yeah, in a lot of, like, white kind of concealer.

[231] It's really disturbing, actually.

[232] Yeah.

[233] Like, when you watch it now in 2021, it's like, what is happening?

[234] Wait, but Monica, you don't have kids, right?

[235] No, but I'd never seen it.

[236] I had never seen Pee Wee Herman, so I was there for this viewing.

[237] How old are you?

[238] 34.

[239] Oh, my God, you look like you're 25.

[240] Thank you.

[241] Yeah.

[242] It's a bummer, right?

[243] Do you have this in your life?

[244] So Monica is my best friend who's young, and she'll go like, I'm going to this wine bar tonight, or I'm going to this oyster bar.

[245] And I honestly get verbally like, oh, my God, you're going to have so much fun in Hollywood being young.

[246] Like, I have so much nostalgia for what?

[247] Like, in my mind, what she's doing on these, like, wine tasting things?

[248] I think it's swingers or something.

[249] But this kind of goes back to what you were just saying about you're older than the people in Big Chill.

[250] But now you can just change the bar.

[251] Now you can just like make it the people and it's complicated.

[252] No. See, this problem is you're in a state of arrested development.

[253] This is what I think about people's fashion sense too.

[254] You stop at the moment that you were sort of crushing.

[255] Yes.

[256] Yeah, you're right.

[257] Oh, my God, you crushed it 12, so this makes sense.

[258] You're absolutely right.

[259] Oh, my God.

[260] Oh, my God.

[261] The whole point is that my brain doesn't go to it.

[262] It's complicated.

[263] That's the whole point.

[264] Got it.

[265] The whole point is the tragedy that my brain is continuing to go to the big chill.

[266] Yeah.

[267] Automatically.

[268] And do you play this game?

[269] Because I don't know what your relationship with our job is.

[270] Everyone has such a different relationship with it.

[271] Mine is so great.

[272] Well, it has the appearance, to be honest, can I say, having met you several times, you have the appearance of having, like, just great ease with your career.

[273] That is the prozac.

[274] Okay, because what I've gleaned from you is like, this woman is her personality first, and then that job is kind of second.

[275] That's been my assessment of you, and that could be wrong.

[276] No, it's my job first, and my family is way down.

[277] Okay.

[278] Well, then this will apply to you because I no longer have aspirations, but I did have aspirations for a very long time.

[279] What do you mean you no longer have aspirations?

[280] In film and television.

[281] Like, I no longer am like, I'm going to be Will Ferrell.

[282] Those days are over.

[283] Or I might get in a Marvel movie.

[284] I'm done with that.

[285] Well, yeah, I'm done with that too.

[286] But you still have aspirations.

[287] You don't have a flatline where that used to be.

[288] I have aspirations.

[289] They're just not in film and television anymore.

[290] Okay.

[291] But for many years, 20 years, I tracked other.

[292] people's breakout roles.

[293] And I got to an age where I was like, I really can't think of someone who had a breakout career at 46.

[294] Like, I no longer have an example.

[295] Let me say that this way.

[296] A very famous thing to say to people is like, well, Ray Kroc didn't invent McDonald's till 52.

[297] And that's a great aspirational thing until you're on the door of 52.

[298] And you're like, Jesus Christ, well, I'd have to be the example going forward of a late starter.

[299] Right.

[300] This is a little bit like the, it's complicated thing.

[301] you have to move your barometer.

[302] Uh -huh.

[303] Yeah.

[304] But also you have had breakout.

[305] You already had your breakout roles.

[306] I know, but the people I was aiming to be, like franchise actors, or they bring like movies or shows.

[307] Yeah, but you know, they're not happy.

[308] Yeah, exactly.

[309] We say that as a joke, but I have met, as you have, too, I've met a good number of the people who are on top of the pyramid and truly it doesn't look that fun.

[310] It looks pretty lonely and isolating.

[311] I've many times been grateful I didn't have the career I asked for.

[312] Yeah.

[313] I mean, and sincerely.

[314] Who were you aiming at?

[315] Brooke Shields.

[316] Oh, that's a good one.

[317] I like that one.

[318] I mean, in the Blue Lagoon.

[319] This was when I was like a preteen.

[320] Okay, pre -pubescent.

[321] Okay, Hank Azari and I did this show called Brockmeyer.

[322] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[323] I couldn't stop being inappropriate all the time.

[324] Like, I still am like, can you pull back a little, or can you push in a little bit?

[325] That's what she said.

[326] That's what she said.

[327] So then we just started doing this thing where you just lean into the closest thing that's near you and you just go, human resources.

[328] I mean, it's making me uncomfortable again.

[329] But you were in great company, right?

[330] Because Hank is hiding behind this veneer of a character.

[331] So he has, like, free license to just go crazy.

[332] And then you're like, my character does too.

[333] It's still scary being on set in between with the likes of me. with Hank is there he just brings something out in me that is not appropriate can we agree that baitman brings that out in both of us as well yes he's such a per but you know why he is such a great perv is like what is abundantly clear is he's actually not yes predatory in any way yes and because of that he can say the worst things I've ever heard yeah my wife finds it charming as hell yes like he'll often say to me like if I'm shooting and I eat a cookie he'll be like you sure you want to do that what are you doing you're doing radio okay you grew up in New York and your dad was a corporate lawyer and mom was a social worker or psychotherapist yeah oh so she is a psychologist she's a drink or dinker.

[334] That's why I'm so cray -cra.

[335] Yeah, well, I do have questions about that.

[336] I asked someone, who did I ask?

[337] Oh, their mother was their father.

[338] Rachel Bilsen?

[339] No. No, her mom was a sex therapist, which is, I told her to stop telling potential boyfriends that because it sounds too intimidating.

[340] That's a lot of pressure.

[341] So much pressure.

[342] And specifically, her mother trains people in tantric sex.

[343] And I'm like, when I heard that, my first thought was, I could never please this woman.

[344] Just know that that's what every guy is going to think.

[345] Yeah, I would keep that to myself Unless he express interest Like I heard this thing tantric And then I go oh my mom could teach you Ew Can you imagine my mother -in -law Teach me tantrum?

[346] Oh boy What brought you guys Because I think a part of your story That I'm curious to hear more about Is the moving to London for four years Mid -life Like mid -childhood And I guess I'm curious Was that a job that took you guys there?

[347] Why did you guys move?

[348] My father's firm open an office in London and he volunteered to go.

[349] And so we were supposed to only go for two years and we ended up going for four years.

[350] And were you into that game plan?

[351] I was seven.

[352] When I look back on it, I think it was great the way they handled it.

[353] Like we went to an English school.

[354] We didn't go to the American school in London.

[355] And there are just so many stories about my parents that I now feel very emotional about.

[356] And a lot of them are around that period, like in the late 70s, early 80s.

[357] They got divorced soon after we got back.

[358] So it was like the last hurrah.

[359] Yeah.

[360] Oh, so that place has a different significance.

[361] Yeah.

[362] Was it a radical change or not really?

[363] Yeah, it was pretty radical.

[364] And I thought a lot about it because with Game of Thrones, we lived in Belfast for a lot of the time during the last nine years.

[365] We would go back and forth living there.

[366] Can I quickly say this in case the listeners don't know?

[367] Your husband's David Benioff, and he writes and created Game of Thrones.

[368] So a big chunk of your life was probably caught up in that huge machine of Game of Thrones.

[369] Yes.

[370] Yes, it was.

[371] And slowly, like, we, in the beginning, Dan's wife and I were like, this is not going to work.

[372] This is actually like dragons.

[373] Oh, meaning the concept.

[374] Oh, yeah.

[375] We were just like, there's no. No, and then we saw Daly's from the pilot.

[376] And we were also like, this is an atrocity way to happen.

[377] And are you honest with your partner?

[378] We're definitely honest with each other first.

[379] So we sort of, it's like the mommy bird that masticates the food and then gives it to the.

[380] So we sidebar and then we try to deliver the news in an easier way.

[381] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[382] So we were like, I don't know what you're thinking with that hair on any of those women.

[383] I don't know what you're thinking.

[384] Anyway, cut you like a year and a half later.

[385] be like, can I buy this for my Emmy dress?

[386] Yeah.

[387] To this day, they have not let us live it down.

[388] Trust me. What if you came into the room at night with that hairstyle?

[389] Like, I don't know.

[390] I mean, it kind of works for me. I could be.

[391] I could be one of these.

[392] Is there another dragon lady?

[393] You were so bitchy about their hair.

[394] It's kind of incredible.

[395] It doesn't stand out to me, but maybe because of my maleness.

[396] But I don't remember.

[397] Cases, the blonde.

[398] Oh, because it was so...

[399] It was also just early days, and we, neither of us, Dan's wife and I aren't big sci -fi people, so it was hard for us to accept that hair can look like that.

[400] We were more like in, we were like, well, no, Boundback doesn't have people with hair like that in his shows.

[401] Can I tell you one of my most embarrassing notes that I gave, my loved one?

[402] Yeah.

[403] This is what I said.

[404] We went to an early screening of Frozen, and I was like, I came out of there, and it was Red Alert.

[405] It was Red Alert.

[406] I go, you guys have something special here.

[407] Oh.

[408] And you cannot call it Frozen.

[409] Because when people see Frozen, they just think of being cold.

[410] It's not an inviting title to go Friday night and see.

[411] It's like Frozen.

[412] Be cold.

[413] Just the fact that you are taking this on is so fascinating to me. Like, in our case, it was like this little dinky HBO.

[414] show that they, like, barely had picked up.

[415] But in my defense, it wasn't just like that dinky show.

[416] Frozen wasn't frozen yet.

[417] It wasn't the biggest cartoon of all time.

[418] But it's still Disney.

[419] It was a cartoon set in an ice cell, and I was worried people would think they were going to feel cold the whole two hours, so I thought we needed a more inviting title.

[420] That is so cute.

[421] And I remember talking to my agent about it, and he seemed to really agree with me. What were you?

[422] suggesting.

[423] Did you have suggestions?

[424] Hot tamales, I don't know, warm sweater, warm sweater.

[425] I love that you had this whole conversation with your agent to people who have no business.

[426] I have nothing to do with the thing in any way whatsoever other than I got to be at one screening.

[427] And all of a sudden I was like, I was the head marketing executive at Disney who could save this thing.

[428] Yeah.

[429] What's great is if you've lived long enough in this business as you have.

[430] and increasingly me, you get to be wrong a ton, which is probably more fun than when you're right.

[431] Yes.

[432] Recently, I can't say who, but Sarah Paulson's my BFF, and we were talking about someone who seems to have never gotten a bad review, ever.

[433] Oh, uh -huh, uh -huh.

[434] And suddenly where before we had been sort of outrageously jealous and also just talking about in what ways these reviews were correct in what ways they were off the mark.

[435] And then suddenly we were like, God, it must suck to be her.

[436] I would just be terrified all the time.

[437] Of it crumbling.

[438] Because we've never gone around the revolving door.

[439] You must live in fear.

[440] This is what I tell myself when I want to comfort myself that I have.

[441] No, you're right.

[442] I think it's analogous to a boxer who's holding the title belt.

[443] Like, they can either maintain or lose their belt.

[444] The other person can win the bell.

[445] So, yeah, they're just living in this fear.

[446] that the belt's going away.

[447] Although David and I did have a discussion about reviews this week, where he was saying he wishes sometimes that he could just be like a runner, like Hussein Bolt.

[448] So it's unequivocal.

[449] And I was like, yeah, but it's only unequivocal for that 200 meters.

[450] And then he told me he had the title for eight years, which I didn't realize.

[451] Uh -huh.

[452] Uh -huh.

[453] It's sort of what you're saying.

[454] Okay, this is my take on it.

[455] I often lament about the notion that these bands write three great songs 22 years ago and then they just for the rest of their life can just go play those three songs in a concert and everyone's delighted and they tour but the work was done 30 years ago but they're still living on it and I think we all aspire to like I wish it worked that way in movies where I could just re -release my successful movie every three months there's no finishing our job so yet the runner thing is like I wish I could just go win gold and then guess what I won gold.

[456] It's over.

[457] There's somehow some kind of, like, lasting thing.

[458] So your husband's now in the situation where it's like, fuck, I got to do a Game of Thrones again?

[459] I don't know if I can fucking do that.

[460] That was a once in a lifetime thing.

[461] I want to just be able to re -release Game of Thrones the rest of my life.

[462] I think that's probably the emotional thing.

[463] I think he means that there's an objective winning in running.

[464] I agree.

[465] And in film and TV and art, it's all subjective.

[466] So, like, with reviews, one person likes it, one person does it.

[467] But no one can, like, half like Usain Bolt.

[468] That's right.

[469] That is what he was saying.

[470] Thank you.

[471] He was in as definitive of a situation as you can get in, though.

[472] Just so the listeners know, the arm sherry's.

[473] Amanda put her hand over her face as if...

[474] We had a sidebar.

[475] Mind you, she's on a computer.

[476] So there's no way that Monica could see it.

[477] And I couldn't.

[478] But the point is she tried to obscure her face to Monica to say, I agree with you and not him.

[479] Yeah, that's right.

[480] I just wanted Monica to know that's exactly what David was.

[481] trying to say.

[482] Thank you.

[483] Thank you.

[484] Yes.

[485] But he was objectively the goal.

[486] I mean, that show is the gold medal winner of the last eight years.

[487] Of course, but there are negative reviews about it.

[488] And for him, it's like, well, sometimes it's just like you just want something objective.

[489] Yeah.

[490] Can I air this grievance while we're on this topic, Amanda?

[491] Says God, do it.

[492] Okay.

[493] I had a similar issue and I'm relieved to say it didn't involve me. Now mind you, I've been slayed in reviews.

[494] I mean, same same.

[495] Yeah, I think people hate my guts and I think I'm objectively right about that, at least reviewers.

[496] But apparently thought I hated your guts when I came to your house.

[497] I start there and then the expectations can only be.

[498] You're like baseline, self -loathing and then I go for us.

[499] Of course.

[500] But I saw, what's my favorite movie that Vaughn did, Matthew Vaughn?

[501] Oh, Kingsman.

[502] Kingsman.

[503] Did you see Kingsman?

[504] He didn't.

[505] It is fucking insanely great.

[506] So the first one is insanely great.

[507] second one is also insanely great.

[508] And I start reading reviews for it.

[509] And the reviews are absolutely terrible.

[510] They're so mean.

[511] And I took the time to write this thing.

[512] Here's my issue with criticism of film.

[513] Car magazines will review a Honda Accord.

[514] And of course they don't like a Honda Accord.

[515] It's not sexy.

[516] They don't want to own it.

[517] There's nothing appealing about it.

[518] But they will take a lot of time to acknowledge it's an incredibly well -built car.

[519] And it's incredibly fuel efficient and it is for that market a perfect car because they can recognize what a good thing is.

[520] They know what a car that goes 300 ,000 miles does.

[521] They're objective in that way.

[522] Anyone who watched this movie, this Vaughn movie, they should have said it's not for me, but this is a very well -made movie.

[523] And that's what pisses me off about.

[524] Like, they're smart enough to recognize that the accomplishment he achieved was very impressive and it's incredibly well -made.

[525] And if they can't tell what a well -made movie is, they fucking have the wrong job.

[526] They can say it's not for me, I wouldn't want to go, but you have to recognize a well -made movie.

[527] That's my issue.

[528] But to truly understand that, you would probably have to direct yourself, because you would have to really understand how many balls you're being hit with over the course of eight months.

[529] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[530] All the decisions you have to make, all the - All the variables.

[531] There's a quadrillion variables.

[532] Yes, that's.

[533] too.

[534] I think they should have that knowledge.

[535] If they're daring to review things, they should understand what makes a great movie.

[536] Okay.

[537] That wasn't as thrilling as I was hoping it was going.

[538] I was expecting to see your face light up.

[539] Wait, you said you wrote something?

[540] I wrote something in defense of that movie.

[541] Can I see it?

[542] When we get off, can I look it up?

[543] Oh, no. I opted to not put it out there because ultimately I was like, this is just going to reek of me being mad about past reviews of my shit.

[544] There's no way to do this.

[545] Like, I thought I was.

[546] a sidestepping it to take me out of the equation, but ultimately, I think it just sounded like me being bratty about reviewers and who gives a fuck.

[547] I don't know.

[548] I was excited to go read it.

[549] Did you ever read, no, I won't read your fucking screenplay?

[550] No. You haven't read that?

[551] No. I forget the screenwriter's name, but he's the guy who wrote History of Violence.

[552] He's written a couple of Kronenberg movies.

[553] He won an Academy Award, a brilliant writer.

[554] And he wrote a kind of op -ed saying, no, I won't read your fucking script.

[555] but it goes through why he won't read it and it's the best he's like it's going to go on a pile of scripts of my friends my closest friends that I've agreed to give them notes and instead I'm going to have to read this thing of yours in place of my friends who I owe that to you and then I'm going to give you notes that you don't want to hear because all you want to hear is it's a masterpiece this whole endeavor is a waste of everyone's time I got to go read that it's so wonderfully written yeah no I won't read your fucking script does anyone tell you that you sound a little bit like Bill Gates That's the best thing you could have ever said to me. It's just weird.

[556] It's like a weird thing that I was like, he sounds like someone, he sounds like someone, he sounds like someone.

[557] And it's Bill Gates.

[558] It's like a tiny bit of Bill Gates.

[559] Wow.

[560] Isn't he's a little bit more Kermitie?

[561] Yes.

[562] Yeah.

[563] A little bit.

[564] It's like you plus Kermit and slowed down.

[565] Like someone slowed it down.

[566] We've got to be with him twice, because of this show and Amanda.

[567] It was amazing.

[568] We're so into him.

[569] It's crazy.

[570] Like the two of us.

[571] He's the second coming.

[572] Right?

[573] Yeah, he is.

[574] Can I brag about one thing?

[575] Yes.

[576] We have his email.

[577] And I've been very careful to never email him, right?

[578] I want it to be perfect when I can email him.

[579] I'd say he's like a hot girl in high school.

[580] It's got to be perfect.

[581] Yes, that's right.

[582] So he and I both love Diet Coke.

[583] In fact, he sent us Monica and I Diet Coke.

[584] bottles with our names on him after we interviewed him.

[585] He lives for Diet Coke, as do I. A friend of mine saw a Diet Coke license plate last week.

[586] It said Diet Coke, D -I -A -8 Coke.

[587] And he goes, I can't believe you don't have this.

[588] And I was immediately furious I didn't have that vanity plate.

[589] So this was my first email to Bill Gates, and I wrote, the subject was Diet Coke, and then I wrote, I just thought you should be aware that there's a genius on the loose in L .A. And then I gave him the picture.

[590] And he wrote back, oh, my God, I was I was so afraid you were sending me an article about the bad effects of Diet Coke.

[591] I'm so mad at myself.

[592] I don't have this license plate.

[593] And I wrote back, oh, my God, same reaction.

[594] And just no, I will never send you a disparaging word about Diet Coke.

[595] Oh, my God, I love that you're having this little flirtation with the...

[596] I know.

[597] It's so fun.

[598] And you guys both sound the same.

[599] It's so crazy.

[600] Oh, my God.

[601] He sent me an email once, and I didn't respond for seven days.

[602] So I also have him on the hook.

[603] No, I understand.

[604] I understand that.

[605] It's like a slow game.

[606] Is it also like this thing, Paulson and I also talk about this?

[607] It's like you want to luxuriate and bask in the incoming.

[608] It's Bill Gates incoming.

[609] It's so exciting.

[610] Yeah, you want to stretch it out.

[611] You want to stretch it out.

[612] What you really want to do is you want to go tantric with it.

[613] Oh, my God, we got to get Rachel Billson's mom in here.

[614] What if we hired her to help us write emails to Bill Gates?

[615] And you don't want a muddy.

[616] It's a Faberjay egg, and you just, by writing back, you're already messing it up.

[617] Yeah, exactly.

[618] You're totally right.

[619] Also, side note on the Diet Coke, there were beautiful glass bottle Diet Coke.

[620] And for Dax, they said, Bill and Dax, and for me, it said Bill and Monica.

[621] Like, he had them embroidered or.

[622] Like the printed.

[623] Yeah, yeah, laser print.

[624] What?

[625] He sent us each a case of Diet Coke, and it had names on the glass Diet Coke.

[626] It says Dax and Bill on mine.

[627] Yeah, and then Bill and Monica on mine.

[628] And I posted about this, obviously.

[629] And of course, what I didn't for see is Bill and Monica.

[630] Like there was a lot.

[631] Monica Lewinsky, who we've also had on.

[632] And love.

[633] And love deeply.

[634] She texted it just like laughing, crying.

[635] with the thing.

[636] And I was like, oh, boy.

[637] You needed to put a trigger warning.

[638] I did.

[639] I didn't think about it.

[640] You didn't put a trigger warning.

[641] I know that's really exciting.

[642] But what is really crazy is that you got a present from Bill Gates.

[643] That was like an in -joke present.

[644] I know.

[645] Thank you for recognizing that.

[646] Yes, that there was a shared passion.

[647] And Monica, if I can be honest, Monica's kind of drafting on my coattails because she doesn't drink Diet Coke.

[648] Well, whatever.

[649] I had a sip of it the other day.

[650] I have a step of that.

[651] In honor of him?

[652] Yeah, always.

[653] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[654] What's up, guys?

[655] It's your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season.

[656] And let me tell you, it's too good.

[657] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[658] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[659] And I don't mean just friends.

[660] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[661] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[662] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcast.

[663] We've all been there.

[664] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[665] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[666] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[667] Hey listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[668] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[669] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[670] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[671] Prime members can listen early and ad free on Amazon Music.

[672] What was your strategy, Amanda, when you liked a guy and you were younger before you were married?

[673] This is a good question.

[674] Like, what was your modus operandi?

[675] A whole bunch of shit just went through my head, but Like car crashes?

[676] Yes.

[677] Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[678] I definitely think so I'm the daughter of shrink.

[679] I was in so much therapy in my late teens, 20s.

[680] And so I think in the beginning of dating like a lot of what I was really into was like I'll be your shrink I'll save you tell me your deepest darkest shit and I'm not scared I'll get in there with you and half the time these poor guys were like can we just go for a drink and like to talk about the movie we just saw so I think the long and the short of it is I was no fun I was like a dud and like exhausting really quick we would add a great day because that's all i'm interested i want to find out what trauma you went through and how we can talk about it and reframe it dude you're the one you're the one that got away well although we would both be trying to dig in each other's that's shit that's true that's yeah we're both capricorns so maybe we're probably too close we're too similar this is something i talk about with amanda like i just can't get into the sign thing i can't either oh okay i can't either i don't believe in it one bit but i'll tell you this, I've never had a Capricorn girlfriend.

[681] I've had every kind of girlfriend.

[682] Have you had a Capricorn boyfriend?

[683] That's worth observing.

[684] Is it, though?

[685] I think maybe Capricorns don't believe in the signs.

[686] That would be, that would be so dead on.

[687] Oh, Monica, you just zapped us.

[688] You zapped us.

[689] Are you responsible with money?

[690] That's supposed to be a...

[691] No. No, and the worst.

[692] I'm the worst.

[693] I'm literally everything you look up about a Capricorn, I'm the opposite.

[694] Oh, okay.

[695] Really organized.

[696] Good with money.

[697] Good at math and science.

[698] The only way that I'm like a Capricorn, but it's only in one tiny little lane is that, as you can probably guess, like I work on my relationships.

[699] Like, I'm not a bolter.

[700] Like, I'm like, I'll dig in with you.

[701] I'll stick with you.

[702] Like, let's go to therapy.

[703] I don't care who you are.

[704] I just met you, but let's go to therapy.

[705] Yeah, we start there.

[706] But other than that, everything that is the Capricorn is exactly the opposite of who I am.

[707] What if in your initial flirting over text, you were like, yes, let's get together Friday.

[708] Do you have a favorite therapist?

[709] No, seriously, I am so embarrassed of some of the shit that I, yeah.

[710] But in general, would your strategy be to play hard to get?

[711] Or would you go, like, I showed my cards.

[712] I was the type of person that's like, I'm infatuated with you.

[713] I'm going to give you 120 % of my energy.

[714] and attention, it's going to be for you or not.

[715] I didn't play any kind of reindeer games or cat and mouse.

[716] Yeah, I can't do that.

[717] Okay.

[718] Although, I'm pretty sure it's okay for me to say this, but, like, I briefly dated Ben Stiller.

[719] Oh, that's great.

[720] It is.

[721] For so many, that response is hilarious.

[722] I love that.

[723] I would say, like, two dates or something, and I think it's okay to say this, too.

[724] like I was definitely like just flummoxed the whole time because I was like, oh my God, your bed still.

[725] You've been still.

[726] Yeah.

[727] Right.

[728] Right.

[729] And also I'm nobody.

[730] I'm nobody.

[731] I'm nobody.

[732] I'm a piece of shit.

[733] I'm a piece of shit.

[734] My parents got divorced because of me. And so basically I think I might have been in a weird state of paralysis, like kind of on the two or three dates we went on.

[735] Like I don't know if I was like sort of like half mute.

[736] or what but like I remember when I for example like when I met Brad Pitt for the first time like in a room it was just terrible there were just not enough other people around it was like I could tell that I was going to have to say something to him and go by him which is the worst thing and everything that went through my head was just wrong and bad and so I think I kind of just stood there like a crazy person and I think so later when I became friends with Ben Stiller he was like, you were really mysterious.

[737] You were such a mysterious person.

[738] Well, can I tell you, that's an ingenious strategy.

[739] Accidentally, you probably wouldn't have known that.

[740] But a comedian's kryptonite is someone who's not giving them approval.

[741] And so probably in your stunned.

[742] He wasn't interested in dating me at.

[743] It was like, no, he didn't.

[744] It's not like he was all over my shit.

[745] Trust me. I bet he still thinks about you.

[746] Like, I was giving her my A game and I couldn't even tell she was listening.

[747] I'm in love.

[748] She seemed so still.

[749] She's comitops.

[750] Yeah.

[751] But if I were him, I'd be like, oh, she thinks I'm funny, but she just can't get into me. Look how distant she is.

[752] I got to work harder.

[753] I can see where that would have worked for you.

[754] I think he just thought I was like a weirdly removed person, like just a sort of like had a film over me, and he was exactly right.

[755] Well, you're going to hate this, but this is the truth.

[756] You're incredibly beautiful, and you're in movies.

[757] and everyone that's seen you in movies falls in love with you.

[758] So it is so comforting to think that you were on a date and thinking like, oh, Jesus Christ, what do I do on this date?

[759] That's so comforting.

[760] Honestly, because we all walk around with the fantasy, like Monica, right?

[761] If you were like, if I was Amanda Pete, I'd fucking stroll into every.

[762] If I was Ben Stiller, I'd be really happy to be sitting across from Amanda Pete.

[763] Yes, yes, yes.

[764] That's a great way to say it.

[765] And we would assume you have like burbling confidence.

[766] Yeah, like even around Brad Pitt, Like, I'm surprised, like, you weren't like, oh, yeah, like, I should be talking to him.

[767] To me, I see you and Brad Pitt in a room, and I'm like, oh, Larry Bird and Magic Johnson are in the same room.

[768] This is going to be a hell of a one -on -one game.

[769] Yeah.

[770] Right?

[771] That's where my head goes.

[772] My whole time with Brad Pitt reminded me of being at the beach, and there were, like, airplanes going by with the ads.

[773] And, like, in my brain, it was, like, options of things to say.

[774] And they were just all not appropriate.

[775] Because then I was like, wait, do I know that?

[776] because he's famous or do I actually is it because could I have known that?

[777] So then basically you're just frozen.

[778] That's frozen.

[779] That is a heart.

[780] He must, God, how can he talk to anyone?

[781] Because everyone's going through this.

[782] Okay, can I tell you something that went so sideways on me?

[783] So I got to be around him for a bit.

[784] I've worshipped him in a way you can't imagine.

[785] More than any female, like from film or television, like just I fucking can stare at him indefinitely.

[786] He's beautiful.

[787] They did these experiments with chimpanzees where the chimpanzees, Because either have juicy, juicy drink, which is their favorite drink, this boxed drink, or they could stare at a picture of their dominant male.

[788] And they would always choose to just stare at the dominant male.

[789] And I very much feel like one of those monkeys in that experiment.

[790] Like, I dedicate the rest of my life to looking at his face if that was an option.

[791] So that's how he feel about him.

[792] So as we're getting to know another a little bit, it occurs to me like, he needs to be aware of something because I was going to be on Ellen the following day.

[793] and it occurred to me most of the times I go on Ellen, all I talk about is Brad Pitt.

[794] There was probably nine appearances where, to the point where she brought out a huge picture, an oil painting picture of us together for my garage, which it hangs in my garage.

[795] And so I'm like, if he stumbles across this, I know he's not going to, but let's say he stumbles across it.

[796] That's crazy, right?

[797] So I said to him, hey man, I need to tell you, I often go on Ellen.

[798] And I just talk about you for like eight minutes.

[799] It's a bit, but I just thought if you...

[800] ever come across that, you need to know I'm not insane.

[801] And the reaction was not what I was hoping for.

[802] I was expecting him to laugh really hard.

[803] He was more like, oh, okay.

[804] All right, so you go on there and you talk about, well, I talk about that.

[805] I'm in love with you.

[806] And I am, but I'm in love with, I'm in love with the film version of you.

[807] And then I just like you.

[808] So while the conversation was happening, were you like, abort, abort, you idiot.

[809] I felt like I had been backing up to take a photo and And then I stepped off a cliff.

[810] And then I was just like in the air for a very long time waiting to hit the ground.

[811] I mean, we're still chummy.

[812] But I don't know what I thought.

[813] It definitely was weird as it should be to him.

[814] He's like, oh, this guy, yeah.

[815] You know, that makes me love Matt Damon even more.

[816] We had Matt Damon on.

[817] He's my number one.

[818] And he handled it so well.

[819] He kissed Monica on her forehead.

[820] And it was so beautiful.

[821] That's hot.

[822] A nice person.

[823] Yeah.

[824] It's hot.

[825] I love Matt Damon.

[826] I love Matt Damon.

[827] I love Matt Damon.

[828] I love Matt Damon.

[829] Oh, what?

[830] a good person.

[831] Yeah.

[832] And hot person.

[833] He spent the whole interview defending his good buddy Ben.

[834] Yeah.

[835] Unprompted, I wasn't accusing Ben of anything, but I was like, that's who this guy is.

[836] He's like, he's mad that his best friend was mistreated in the tabloids.

[837] Also, crazy smart.

[838] Oh, God, yeah.

[839] Yeah.

[840] We like that right.

[841] That's a prerequisite, right?

[842] No. Oh, good for you.

[843] Good for you.

[844] I mean, I'm just saying he's crazy smart, crazy well -read.

[845] well spoken intimidatingly so i also had a crush on him on mad damon yeah and he was with lucy at the time and i was single and i was like how do i know how much he's in with lucy like maybe i can get in there that's how i still feel and he has six kids does he have six kids five or six four or five he's a lot also he's madly in love with yeah it's just a gross.

[846] It just makes me like him more and also want to jump off a cliff.

[847] I had a little bit of an adolescent, like, crush on him where I was like, maybe, like, who knows?

[848] And so usually when I go to work, as I'm sure you're the same way, like, I just wear my sweatpants and stuff and I don't put on makeup before the makeup.

[849] Like, sure, sure.

[850] But this time I got all dressed up, like, and I wore an actual outfit.

[851] You were doing reshoots, and I hadn't seen him And so this isn't a really good story.

[852] No, I love this story.

[853] No, it's already great.

[854] It's already great.

[855] The fact that you showed up for hair and makeup already in final touches.

[856] Correct.

[857] And in uncomfortable pants.

[858] So uncomfortable pants is not something I do.

[859] You can ask anyone.

[860] Like when I wear just corduroys or jeans, my kids are like, why are you all dressed up?

[861] So I had this fantasy in my head that we were doing reshoots.

[862] We hadn't seen each other in several months.

[863] I was like, maybe they broke up.

[864] Maybe this is God's way.

[865] This is the universe, like putting us back together because he's called here on set and so am I. And who knows, who knows, who knows.

[866] Maybe, maybe.

[867] I walk into the set.

[868] I see him coming down the hallway and I'm like, here it is, here it is, here it is.

[869] And he walks and he just as he's walking by me just went, what are you doing here?

[870] Oh, no. So bad.

[871] But by the way, we were husband and wife in the show.

[872] Right, right, right.

[873] Anyway, so my girlfriends and I have a really funny, long -standing joke now that we always say, what are you doing here?

[874] Was that for Siriana?

[875] Yeah.

[876] Yeah.

[877] I fucking love that movie.

[878] Yeah, that was a good movie.

[879] Oh, such a good movie.

[880] The way you guys are gnawing on those sticks is really kind of amazing.

[881] We're a mess.

[882] We both like to do the same thing with the toothpick, which is obliterate at the second it gets in your mouth.

[883] That's what she said.

[884] That's what she said.

[885] Human resources?

[886] Amanda Pied is making me uncomfortable again.

[887] I want to talk about your new show because it comes out today in real life, but it'll have been out for a minute.

[888] Right?

[889] Comes out today?

[890] Yeah.

[891] August 20th.

[892] My sister's birthday.

[893] It's very fortuitous.

[894] Wait, what does that mean she is?

[895] Virgo.

[896] Oh, she is?

[897] Well, I'm a Virgo, and I'm four days after her.

[898] That would make sense.

[899] Do you believe in it?

[900] Um, not really, but like 20%.

[901] Because I do feel like I'm very Virgo -y.

[902] That's what's weird.

[903] I don't believe in it at all, Amanda, but also if I track all of my best friendships and my girlfriends, they generally fall.

[904] They're all born between July and August.

[905] But how do you know it's not like confirmation bias?

[906] I'm sure it is.

[907] Or Bader Mindhoff.

[908] Frequency allusions.

[909] frequency illusion.

[910] Maybe there's been way more people born in November.

[911] I'm just ignoring.

[912] Yeah.

[913] All right.

[914] So I don't stand by it, but also a lot of my best friends are born in those months.

[915] Tell me why you got the idea to do this show.

[916] You guys are so cute.

[917] You just reminded me of all my 25 shrinks.

[918] I've been trying to write because I wanted to keep going.

[919] like almost like what we were talking about like I wanted to keep going but I felt like the roles I was getting weren't interesting and I love Jay Duplas he was my boss where was he your boss he was my boss on togetherness the show that I did right right right right right right and then I thought he was kind of like a sick actor from just his storyline on Transparent like I just was like I found him to be just like off the charts me too so yeah so I had that this idea, we were like batting around this idea that he was a widower and he's an empty nester and then he starts having an affair with his boss.

[920] And then I started thinking about what if you were a female supervisor and your colleague transgressed in this like hot button cultural moment we're having.

[921] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[922] What would it be like if you had a crush on that person and you had an opening with that person, sort of like my opening with Matt Damon, that was my opening in my head.

[923] And then that person got into some hot water and you were the boss.

[924] I started thinking that was a really interesting idea for something to create suspense in a rom -com.

[925] Yeah, I like this.

[926] I couldn't stop thinking about it.

[927] I was like, once I started thinking about it, I was like, now I need to know who the female boss is.

[928] It has to be someone who can play with J -Du -plus.

[929] And then I started thinking about Sandra and I couldn't stop thinking about her.

[930] And I liked the idea of setting it in like a very old -fashioned New England Ivy League -esque liberal arts college that was like still kind of behind the time, still stuck in the white patriarchy, having favored rich white people for so many years.

[931] They don't even know how bad their legacy is.

[932] And then put Sandra in the center of this and then put her in this terrible position.

[933] now if I were you when I was writing this show you're going to get Jay by the way Jay and I are old friends I didn't know that yep ask him about our movie watching parties we used to have these movie watching parties where it was all men and you had to bring something that had really choice male nudity from the 80s so it was always like a grab bag of what movie and even it would arrive and you'd be like oh I didn't realize Tango and Cash had full rear nudity of both Kurt Russell and Sylvester Stallone.

[934] I forgot that.

[935] I'm going to get right on that.

[936] Please do.

[937] Your next family movie.

[938] In fact, I interviewed Mark Duplas.

[939] He and I tried to very respectfully talk about the butt cracks of both actors because they're both unique in their own way and very much worth viewing.

[940] Anyways, that was this party we used to have.

[941] And of course, I knew he was really just like a very artistic soul, like a creative, beautiful guy.

[942] And up to that point, they had really only written and directed.

[943] Mark was acting.

[944] Jay wasn't.

[945] Then I saw Jay on that show.

[946] I was like, hold on a second.

[947] Jay's the fucking Academy Award level actor?

[948] This is out of nowhere, and I just was so thrilled with it.

[949] He wasn't even like pursuing it, which I like.

[950] It's actually annoying.

[951] Yeah.

[952] It's annoying that he's that relaxed and able to access shit.

[953] Anyway.

[954] I want to tell you something that you might be excited about if you could just make it through the first five minutes of my show.

[955] Okay.

[956] You can see Jay Duklaus's ass.

[957] on ass and it happened really quickly because we did it sort of illegally and okay good it was really fun to have been made to take my shirt off in togetherness and then go up to and be like I need you to take off your pants and I need to do it quickly without further ado and right now, and we're going to shoot it.

[958] With great haste.

[959] With great haste.

[960] Off of you.

[961] Well, we kind of had to do it in secret because we didn't own the parking lot, so apparently...

[962] You can't be naked in the parking lot?

[963] So he did this bit clothed many, many times, but then I was like, I need us to quickly get it with your bare ass.

[964] Yeah.

[965] And how do you feel about that?

[966] Because of all the parts of my body, I'd be excited to show you that would be the last one.

[967] I think he's okay with it.

[968] I mean, I'll be curious to see what you guys think.

[969] I think that he's late 40s.

[970] Like, I think it's a nice ass.

[971] Yeah, yeah.

[972] It's Jewie.

[973] Yeah, okay, sure.

[974] Even though he's not Jewish.

[975] Right.

[976] Everything about Jay Dupas is Jewel.

[977] Uh -huh, uh -huh.

[978] Everything.

[979] Yeah, that's fair.

[980] It's bizarre that he's not Jewish.

[981] Has he told you the story about his dad's friend.

[982] It might have been his dad.

[983] Let's just say it was his dad's friend because I don't know if we want to say it was his dad but his dad's friend was on a bowling league do you know this story no he was on a bowling league he had several children and he was on this bowling league and then it was like every tuesday from seven to nine and his wife found out that the bowling league had been canceled like a year ago and she said what are you doing on those nights and he said i sit in my car in the parking lot of the bowling alley in case you guys drive by He just wanted his own time.

[984] He just wanted two hours so bad that for a year, he just sat in his car at the bowling alley for two hours.

[985] You guys, that was Jay Dupus, and he made it up as a story about somebody else.

[986] Isn't that an incredible story?

[987] It says so much about, like, parenting and marriage and all that.

[988] During the pandemic, I had some friends where I'd be like, how you doing?

[989] And he'd be like, good, good, where are you?

[990] I'm on your field.

[991] What you're doing?

[992] Just sitting in the car.

[993] Yeah.

[994] If it's heaven.

[995] I don't ever want to leave.

[996] Oh, God.

[997] So five minutes in, we get butt.

[998] Yeah.

[999] That's a really...

[1000] It's less than five minutes, but yes, yes, yes.

[1001] I'm just so proud of it because we had to go it so quickly and I'm just really proud of it.

[1002] Yes.

[1003] The butt.

[1004] As you should be.

[1005] I'm a big proponent in nudity in things, and it's a dicey opinion at this point.

[1006] But my argument is when you're watching something and all of a sudden someone is nude, you wake up in this weird way.

[1007] And not even like necessarily sexually, just like, oh, this human being is very vulnerable.

[1008] Like, you can't argue the efficacy of nudity.

[1009] Like, it works.

[1010] It's a powerful thing.

[1011] I'm with you.

[1012] I don't.

[1013] Oh, you are.

[1014] Oh, good.

[1015] And I also get distracted when it's like, you're making love, but you're wearing your bra.

[1016] Like, I don't.

[1017] Yes, me too.

[1018] And you're getting up and you're like making a cocoon.

[1019] out of the sheet before you walk away.

[1020] I mean, it's okay for some things, but like I'm with you.

[1021] It can be more distracting when they're not new.

[1022] That's what it is.

[1023] You're absolutely right.

[1024] You're like, oh, wow, this is their first night together and she kept her bra on.

[1025] He wants to see those things.

[1026] This is the time.

[1027] This is the time you see those things.

[1028] Anywho.

[1029] Sandra O. Yes.

[1030] Now, that is the part of your equation where I'd be like, Fuck, Sandra O would be perfect.

[1031] One can't get Sandra O, I'm assuming, after all the success she's had over the last decade.

[1032] No, one used one's friend Sarah Paulson, to like make the overture and came at it full court press.

[1033] Was there eventually like a coffee, like sit down and have coffee and you go there going like, wow, this makes everything.

[1034] This is need to do or die.

[1035] It was me, Jay, David, and Dan, and she came to meet us.

[1036] Wow.

[1037] Uh -huh.

[1038] She's so cool.

[1039] I want to talk to her so bad.

[1040] She would be so fun on this show, and you guys would love her, and, yeah, she's so fun.

[1041] We want you to use the remaining bit of cultural capital you have with her and blow it on a request for this show.

[1042] That's our bid right now.

[1043] I will make this happen if it's the last thing I do.

[1044] Okay, so I've had the real, real pleasure and privilege of directing a few things, and Bateman's a prime exam.

[1045] I asked Bateman to come in and do a day on this thing and he shows up and he's fucking Bateman man and he's Bateman in my thing and I get to watch on the monitors like this magic happen in this there's no feeling like it for me where it's like oh my God these people you've come to know over the years and then they show up and they do their thing for you and it gets to be your thing I just love that did you have that repeatedly while making it I did it's kind of crazy, especially because we shot during COVID and Holland Taylor and Bob Balaban.

[1046] And, you know, I had a lot of older folks who came out even though they weren't vaccinated yet.

[1047] And so I felt this particular, I mean, like, I was like bawling sometimes because I was just so simply just so moved that people like fucking got in a car and came to Pittsburgh.

[1048] Like I just, I just was like, it was weird.

[1049] And it really moved me. It kind of parallels like I'm someone who cancels my birthday party every year.

[1050] You could ask Kristen, this is a pattern of mine.

[1051] We plan something.

[1052] And always about two weeks before, I figure out some reason why it needs to be canceled.

[1053] And obviously, because I still have it in my head, mind you, I'm January 2nd.

[1054] So worst birthday in the world.

[1055] Everyone just did New Year's Eve.

[1056] They just did Christmas.

[1057] Everyone's got resolutions.

[1058] It is objectively a terrible birthday.

[1059] But it's really bad.

[1060] On top of it, I just have this fear like, no one's going to come.

[1061] want to reject the party before they can reject you thank you a no one's going to come and b if they do come they're going to be miserable that's kind of my confidence and so when you do a movie and a project like as i invite people i have that same fear oh my god they're not going to want to come so when they come and then they're happy and they do their magic i didn't even care if they were happy i was just like you guys came you fucking suckers yeah are you one that can throw a birthday party and just have total confidence that, like, everyone's going to come.

[1062] It's going to be the time of their life.

[1063] Okay, Tex, did you not really listen.

[1064] I did, I did, but I don't want to be presumptuous.

[1065] So when people show up and they come through and your fears are not real, it gave me elation.

[1066] Yes.

[1067] Like, why do I think this thing about me and my friends?

[1068] They all show up, and it's beautiful.

[1069] Yeah, you're so fun and warm.

[1070] What is your problem?

[1071] Well, there's 400 episodes of this show exploring.

[1072] that problem.

[1073] We don't seem to be getting closer to the mouth of the river, as they say.

[1074] We're not sure where it's flowing in from.

[1075] But yeah, I can be the first to admit, oh my God, this gal will let you up.

[1076] What did she say?

[1077] That's what she said.

[1078] Oh.

[1079] Now, for people who don't know show business, I try to say this as often as possible.

[1080] Showrunners and show creators, those are the people in show business and movie and television that people should be absolutely blown away with.

[1081] They're virtually unknown.

[1082] There's like a handful of showrunners that are kind of known, but it is an incredibly hard job, way more than a director of something, way more than a writer, more than just that whole process is Herculean.

[1083] And it's really impressive when people execute it.

[1084] And I just want to know if you have like, I hope you have great pride that you have a show that's on.

[1085] Let me talk to that person.

[1086] Who is it?

[1087] Really?

[1088] It's my daughter.

[1089] Yeah.

[1090] Can I talk to her?

[1091] Frankie!

[1092] She's going to be.

[1093] be mad at me later i'm scared dax can you just say hi she just said can you go mute for a second it's okay cd you don't i'll come see you later don't make him pressure her let's pressure her no no pressure her no pressure tell her she's a bad person if she doesn't i'll come see you one second i love you i just look really bad if it's you get no such thing oh oh i hate that she said that but but but but i respect that she said it when my girls tell me that they hate how they look mind you both my girls are so fucking beautiful.

[1094] It's crazy.

[1095] And then the sixth year old is like a lightning bolt of charisma and beauty, right?

[1096] Delta, the disease.

[1097] And she'll tell me she hates her face.

[1098] And instead of saying, like, no, you have a beautiful face.

[1099] I add that.

[1100] But I immediately go like, yeah, I hate mine too.

[1101] It's kind of like human nature.

[1102] You know, Monica hates her face?

[1103] And she goes, I love Monica's face.

[1104] I wish I had Monica's face.

[1105] I go, yeah, that's the experience on planet Earth.

[1106] I try to tell her it gets better.

[1107] It's not this acutely bad forever.

[1108] It is part of the driving forces of being a teenager is the sense of why the fuck am I stuck in this?

[1109] Yes.

[1110] Yes.

[1111] Like this family, this body, this face, this acne, this foulness about yourself.

[1112] Yeah.

[1113] Unless you're like a weird, confident asshole and then I'm like well I don't like Matt Damon no he was probably he probably felt great the whole time I saw him in that movie school ties yes he's gorgeous in that I can't imagine he had an awkward face he was also built like a brick shit house right Amanda I was like making up a childhood for Matt Damon that he was like this he was like a poorless wonder it's so obvious to me and What I can't stand as a teenager with no acne.

[1114] Yeah.

[1115] I'm just like, not normal.

[1116] You're just like tan and like, like, whoreless and you don't have any facial hair in the wrong place.

[1117] Yeah, but they're losing out because they're not going to learn resilience.

[1118] You need some things to overcome.

[1119] Like that whole thing where I'm like, I want my kids to be resilient.

[1120] I'm not going to wax her mustache.

[1121] I'm not going to do this stuff.

[1122] That has all going to.

[1123] I've just been collapsed into the beauty industrial complex 100%.

[1124] I'm all in.

[1125] I'm just like, what do you need?

[1126] When do you want me to get it?

[1127] What do you want?

[1128] Tits, nose job.

[1129] Where are we going?

[1130] Injection.

[1131] Hair color, sure.

[1132] Fine.

[1133] Never too young for Botox.

[1134] Never.

[1135] Yeah.

[1136] Like, basically, I'm just like the person I thought I was.

[1137] Sure.

[1138] That's kind of the joy of being a parent is just realizing all your thoughts were way too lofty.

[1139] Like my kids, they eat macaroni and cheese like fucking every month.

[1140] all day.

[1141] I'm like, look at us.

[1142] We're terrible.

[1143] This happened.

[1144] What do we do?

[1145] No going back.

[1146] But I feel it the same way.

[1147] I feel actually, you know, I had a very good shrink who's still my shrink, who in the early days with Frankie at the very end of a session at some point, she just said, Amanda, strive for mediocrity.

[1148] Yeah.

[1149] I was like, oh, you are the shrink for me. Do you know Dr. Wendy Mulgo?

[1150] I know of her.

[1151] That's why I love her message so much.

[1152] It's just like, chill the fuck out everything's going to be fine everyone works it out i try to tell this to christin we'll be worrying about the direction of our children's lives there's six and eight but we'll worry about it and then i'll just remind her i'm like i was just a hardcore drug addict smoking crack fucking crashing cars barely made it out of high school and we live in the same house with the same two kids making the same amount of money so you can take damn near any route and end up in the same place like yeah it's clearly not the route yeah it's just hard now for me to not want to snowplow and helicopter and even though I know what I know and I see you and I see you look at this podcast look you got presents from Bill Gates like what else could you want for your son wow thanks for the reminder well I want them to be Bill Gates but yeah right right right right the second best is getting presents yeah second best is being able to like rub shoulders with him but yeah I think feel like it's just really hard right now.

[1153] And it's like my sister's son is applying to college and it's just a rat race and the tutors and the thing and the private training.

[1154] And I'm like, do I do that?

[1155] We all talk about like we got to level the playing field.

[1156] We got to stop this like rich person shit.

[1157] Obviously like you can't pay for your kid to get into school.

[1158] But when you're hiring a tutor five times a week and a private coach to supplement the team, that's not fair either.

[1159] So, yeah, where do we draw the line?

[1160] Where do you draw the line?

[1161] Like, should I not get her tutor because it's actually not fair?

[1162] Correct.

[1163] Should I not get her private coaching for soccer in between the club practices because it's actually not fair?

[1164] She should just be in the lane that she naturally, and the only reason I'm supplementing is because I'm rich.

[1165] Yeah.

[1166] So can I tell you where I landed on this?

[1167] Yeah, can you please, Tom?

[1168] Yeah, yeah.

[1169] Our kids go to a charter school, so they go to a public school.

[1170] It's half the kids there are, reduced or free lunch, right?

[1171] And there became a point during the quarantine schooling where it was suggested, what could we do pods, right?

[1172] So there'd be like four or five kids in a pod and they'd stay tested and that way they could get some in -person stuff going.

[1173] And that was getting talked about.

[1174] And then this letter from the school came out basically saying, you know, there's a lot of kids that won't be able to be in a pod.

[1175] And that's not fair.

[1176] So we're saying no to pods.

[1177] And here's why I took issue with it.

[1178] I don't like the notion of, well, let's lower my kid.

[1179] to match the disadvantaged kid.

[1180] My take is let's fucking raise the disadvantage kid.

[1181] I'm like between the 50 % of parents who aren't on free and reduce lunch, let's pull together and get those kids the thing our kids can.

[1182] Because you could also argue, well, half of our kids are malnourished and don't eat breakfast.

[1183] So to make it fair, you should not give your kid breakfast.

[1184] Well, fuck that.

[1185] I don't have to make my kids' life worse.

[1186] I got to make the other kids' lives better.

[1187] But there is this kind of weird rich person guilt, which I have a ton of.

[1188] liberal guilt, which is like, well, I shouldn't give my kids everything I can give them because some other kid can't have it.

[1189] I don't know.

[1190] It's just tricky.

[1191] I think the solution is like, let's fucking raise everyone.

[1192] Let's not be lowering people.

[1193] Yes, yes.

[1194] Yeah, when that's option.

[1195] Yeah, when it's an option.

[1196] Like you're in a very tight community there in your school.

[1197] That's very beautiful.

[1198] Yeah.

[1199] It didn't work, mind you.

[1200] I didn't win.

[1201] Everyone just didn't have pods.

[1202] But, you know.

[1203] Stay tuned for more armchair expert.

[1204] Can I ask you one more question, though, about your show before we bid you a do?

[1205] Yes, please.

[1206] Did you watch, I May Destroy You?

[1207] No, I haven't seen it yet.

[1208] I'm so behind.

[1209] Oh, Amanda.

[1210] I think there's a level of fairness that she gives to every character in these very complicated situations.

[1211] There's rape.

[1212] There's rape.

[1213] There's, what is this?

[1214] He took his condom off in the middle.

[1215] Is that rapey?

[1216] And her exploration of everyone's take on it, you feel, compassionate towards everyone.

[1217] I just like, this is so fair.

[1218] I loved it.

[1219] My God, you're making me want to go right now and they've heard amazing things.

[1220] Yeah.

[1221] So just from watching the trailer, because your show came out at 8 a .m. and I woke up at 8 .30 a .m. So I haven't seen the show, but I watched the trailer.

[1222] I felt like I got a vibe that that's your approach as well.

[1223] I thought we were going to maybe see all sides of this.

[1224] Is that accurate?

[1225] I hope so.

[1226] I mean, I definitely feel like there's obviously a lot of binary thinking right now.

[1227] And I was listening to George Saunders the other day.

[1228] And he was sort of saying that Sater thing, like, why is tonight different from every other night?

[1229] But he was talking about it with story and plot and character, like how you want to really dig in and make something very intimate and personal.

[1230] And that was all I dreamed about doing.

[1231] Like it wasn't like I was trying to take a stand on cancel culture.

[1232] I really just wanted to make a story where there was this longstanding hotness between these two people and then an opening finally after years of it like simmering and then what could come between them what's the worst thing that could make it difficult between them but i just wanted it to feel intimate it wasn't like i was trying to take a stand down yeah and i like that george saunders thing like i like that I feel like Uda Hogan, my acting teacher used to always say that as well.

[1233] Like, how is this moment different?

[1234] Where are you coming from?

[1235] Where are you going?

[1236] What are your intentions?

[1237] Mm -hmm.

[1238] Like me walking down the hallway to Matt Damon.

[1239] It all circles back to Matt Damon.

[1240] No, I was literally waiting to say to you, do you think this is all just a weird playing out of your fantasy with Matt Damon that Lucy will leave him and then this explosion will happen?

[1241] Oh, my God.

[1242] Lucy, I want you to know that I adore you even if this.

[1243] Doesn't pan out all the way.

[1244] He has such a line of people.

[1245] Now that I know that you also are in line, like, I'm sorry, Monica.

[1246] I just have a lot to overcome it.

[1247] I'm sorry, dude.

[1248] What's not to like?

[1249] Can I tell you one of the challenges is like as Monica's wingman.

[1250] You just sounded exactly like Bill Gates.

[1251] I mean, one of the challenges.

[1252] One of the challenges we see.

[1253] One of the challenges in getting the vaccines over there, cold.

[1254] You've got to look at the full scape of the whole economical supply chain in order to address these areas.

[1255] I've never tried this, by the way.

[1256] I'm just finding out.

[1257] Does he really never?

[1258] No, no, no, no. I feel like I'm within 20 % of it somehow just now.

[1259] Well, if you look at the supply chain and you find out that there's a fixed cost with concrete procurement, something that has to be addressed if we're going to go forward.

[1260] She loves this.

[1261] I think it's a little too, Kermit.

[1262] Oh, my God.

[1263] I think it's insanely.

[1264] weird.

[1265] Have you ever thought about becoming a podcast host?

[1266] No, I'd just rather just come on to this show occasionally.

[1267] Yeah, you can come on anytime.

[1268] Think how I could fly if I was supported by this.

[1269] I might know like 20 more impersonations I don't even know about.

[1270] I'm so glad you're not here.

[1271] That is actually weird.

[1272] I feel like, Monica, you're going to play this back and you're going to think that that is fucking weird.

[1273] Okay.

[1274] When I edit, I will listen for it.

[1275] With clean eyes.

[1276] clean ears, full eyes, clear heart.

[1277] Without any bias.

[1278] Yeah, I can promise that.

[1279] So when we were talking to Matt Damon, I was like, I know it's not enough to tell him she's been in love with him since she's 10 because everyone has, right?

[1280] So I was literally, like, as her wingman, I'm like, I got to get him with something really unique and novel.

[1281] And I think I accomplished that, which is I told him, do you know when Monica used to go camping when she was like 13 with her girlfriends, she would convince herself, oh my God, what have Ben and Matt are also camping at this?

[1282] campground in Georgia.

[1283] Like in hell in Georgia.

[1284] And she would be prepared to bump in, Amanda, that got him.

[1285] It totally broke through.

[1286] He goes, wait, so we would just be camping, huh?

[1287] I think that's what broke through.

[1288] Oh, I can't believe how similar are weird, fantasy lives.

[1289] Fantasy lives.

[1290] Well, what's sad, I don't mean any offense with this, Monica, but it is sad that I actually was in a movie with him playing his wife.

[1291] and was on the call sheet with him.

[1292] Yeah.

[1293] And still, it was just a fantasy.

[1294] Right, right.

[1295] That would be worse for me, I think.

[1296] Sort of what I'm saying.

[1297] I wasn't what I meant.

[1298] With my girlfriends, we do impressions where we'll go, what are you doing here?

[1299] And then I'm like, no, that's too mean.

[1300] What was so heartbreaking about it was it wasn't mean.

[1301] He threw it away.

[1302] He threw it away.

[1303] It was a funcular.

[1304] It was sweet.

[1305] It was like, oh.

[1306] Cutie -pot -Tootie who's here.

[1307] That cute, do -eye dumb -dum is walking towards me. Yeah, because he's a nice person, so we would never be saying anything mean to you.

[1308] Oh, they let you come back.

[1309] Yeah.

[1310] Oh, what are you doing here?

[1311] Oh.

[1312] No, a little less interested and a little more in a rush.

[1313] Try it again.

[1314] I'm not kidding.

[1315] Okay.

[1316] Oh, that's a hard balance.

[1317] I know.

[1318] Oh, what are you doing here?

[1319] That's pretty enthusiastic.

[1320] Pretty good, a little less.

[1321] Can I try one?

[1322] Yeah.

[1323] Hey, what are you doing here?

[1324] Was that good?

[1325] You're too much.

[1326] That seemed kind of mean.

[1327] A little bit more.

[1328] Like I'm playing his wife.

[1329] He can't be that dismissive.

[1330] But he does have to get where he's going.

[1331] Okay.

[1332] All right.

[1333] Here we go.

[1334] What are you doing here?

[1335] That's it.

[1336] Oh, he did it.

[1337] Damn it.

[1338] Fuck, fuck, fuck.

[1339] I'm sorry, Monica.

[1340] You just crushed two impressions.

[1341] I didn't mean to do it, but I did.

[1342] If it comforts either of you, I have had a fantasy about Natalie Portman since I saw the professional like 20 years ago.

[1343] And the amount of fantasy I had a, about how our instant connection would be so palpable and an explosive.

[1344] And I've talked to her three times face to face.

[1345] And I can see in her face that I'm just a cut out of a human.

[1346] Like, oh, there's a human present.

[1347] I should do the things that you do.

[1348] That's what you thought about Amanda.

[1349] No, no, no, no. This one is real.

[1350] This one is real.

[1351] Like the door isn't cracked.

[1352] It's not unlocked.

[1353] It's dead bolted.

[1354] I'm not sparking any interest in her.

[1355] I don't think you're her type to be fair.

[1356] Exactly.

[1357] Exactly.

[1358] Yeah, but I agree with Monica that you're probably just not her tie.

[1359] No, you're making it up in your head.

[1360] You're making it up in your head.

[1361] It's the birthday party.

[1362] No one's going to come thing.

[1363] Yes.

[1364] Okay, this just happened two days ago.

[1365] I wasn't even going to tell you guys this.

[1366] I swear to God.

[1367] So I work out at my little sister's house, which is like a thousand feet from our house in the basement because we used to live there and my workout shit's still there.

[1368] And I ride a moped to go to my sister's house, even though it's a thousand feet away.

[1369] So two days ago, I live in the same neighborhood as her.

[1370] Oh, no. What happened?

[1371] Oh, God.

[1372] I fucking bumped into her on my moped.

[1373] And I'm in a sleeveless.

[1374] Oh, God.

[1375] This is a shirt I'd only work out in it because it's got like a flag on it.

[1376] It's fucking sleeveless.

[1377] It's actually a Dodge Hellcat t -shirt.

[1378] It couldn't be more white trash.

[1379] And I'm in a fucking sleeveless t -shirt and like cut off sweatshorts.

[1380] I pull up to her on my scooter.

[1381] And I'm like, oh, hey, you're back in town.

[1382] And she was like, oh, yeah, we just returned.

[1383] And she was like, what are you doing here?

[1384] I take a look at myself and I look like I'm in a Harmony Corrine movie.

[1385] Like they found me in a river and put me on a moped.

[1386] And I was like, man, all my fears of the reason she doesn't like me are on such full display right now.

[1387] Like I should have an American flag in my hand or something.

[1388] Dude, she should be so lucky.

[1389] Okay, okay.

[1390] Wait, can I just say a full circle?

[1391] Yeah.

[1392] Harmony Corinne?

[1393] Yeah, Corrine.

[1394] He's in Goodwill hunting for just one second.

[1395] Yes, yes.

[1396] He is?

[1397] remember that.

[1398] Yes, he, at the jail.

[1399] It's a Gus Van Sant thing because he direct, I think Gus Van Sant directed kids, did he?

[1400] Oh, I don't know.

[1401] Maybe.

[1402] I don't know about that.

[1403] I don't know.

[1404] Do you direct kids?

[1405] Larry Clark, the pervert.

[1406] Okay, never mind.

[1407] That's the first time we set a question out.

[1408] Yeah, into the universe.

[1409] We have a safety now, Wobby Wob, yeah.

[1410] Okay, well, Amanda, you're so radical and fun, and I really wish somehow we saw each other more in person.

[1411] I'll come to your birthday on January 2nd.

[1412] Oh, my God.

[1413] Just you, and I, a couple Capricorns, just going over our finances, getting everything in order for the year to come.

[1414] Please, everybody, watch the chair.

[1415] I can't wait to start it.

[1416] I'm so glad it's out today.

[1417] And, yeah, we love Jay Duplas, and we love Sandra O, and it's going to be fantastic.

[1418] So watch the chair, and it's on Netflix.

[1419] So, Amanda, any parting words?

[1420] We love you.

[1421] I love you, guys.

[1422] This was so fun.

[1423] Seriously, I'll be there on January 2nd.

[1424] Okay, I can't wait.

[1425] I'm going to get a new cutoff.

[1426] t -shirt going right now.

[1427] Or you can go back to your Game of Thrones t -shirt that you guys were wearing at one point.

[1428] Yeah, the premiere.

[1429] Oh, my God, yes.

[1430] Oh, my God.

[1431] Can we just for half a second, I got to tell that story.

[1432] Okay, David and Dan are like, I worship those two people and I, what can we do for those two people?

[1433] With those two people, please, God help me. Okay, so Kristen and I, very big Game of Thrones fans, we went to like a premiere party from the first episode of one of the seasons.

[1434] and we prepared greatly so we had tank tops on that said stark in the streets wild lean in the sheets and then we had all these tattoos we got these like transfer tattoos we were very tatted up like head to toe and we're in tank tops so it looked crazy and so this is really important we had met lisa bonnet liloquay a year before and she was my number one all growing up and Kristen gave me the beautiful gift if she said go dance with her and i dance with her for like two hours and it was like one of the highlights of my life.

[1435] So I'm at this premiere.

[1436] I forget how I look.

[1437] I see, well, there's Liliqui, of course.

[1438] And we're now bros because I danced with her.

[1439] And I go up to her with such enthusiasm, and I'm all by myself, and I look like that.

[1440] And I've totally forgotten I look like that.

[1441] And everyone else is in like suits.

[1442] And I just come right at her.

[1443] I'm like, oh, I haven't seen you since we were dancing.

[1444] Boy, that was so much.

[1445] And then I just, I have this kind of like 30 foot view.

[1446] of myself.

[1447] And I look insane.

[1448] And then I panic.

[1449] And I go, oh, yeah, honey.

[1450] And now I'm screaming, like, I'm panicked, screaming for Kristen to come confirm.

[1451] I'm not the only person here that looks like this.

[1452] And it was so, I just lost complete confidence.

[1453] I'm screaming for my wife like a child.

[1454] Like, honey, you got to see her.

[1455] You got to see her.

[1456] Honey, get over here.

[1457] And I'm panicked.

[1458] Oh, my God.

[1459] Okay.

[1460] I love you.

[1461] I love you guys.

[1462] I hope everyone sees the chair.

[1463] And we're so, excited to see it.

[1464] Thank you guys.

[1465] I'll see you in January 2nd.

[1466] Okay.

[1467] Bye.

[1468] Bye.

[1469] Bye.

[1470] Bye, you guys.

[1471] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[1472] Your eyes are very dark today.

[1473] They are, the whites?

[1474] The whole, the mysterious part.

[1475] Do you know why?

[1476] Why?

[1477] Because I got my eyebrows done yesterday.

[1478] I'm sure that's why.

[1479] Oh, interesting.

[1480] You think?

[1481] Oh, it makes a big diff.

[1482] It does?

[1483] On your face, yeah.

[1484] I've got to make a big diff.

[1485] I went to my place.

[1486] It's called Strike.

[1487] I don't really want to shout it out because it's hard to get an appointment.

[1488] Oh, okay.

[1489] Oh, I got you.

[1490] Yeah, yeah.

[1491] But I will.

[1492] Strike, Los Angeles, and it's beautiful in there.

[1493] And there's like a little store at the front.

[1494] Oh.

[1495] I love a store at the front.

[1496] Yeah, you do.

[1497] Would you want to share some bad news with people that you had a piece of art?

[1498] were looking into and there was an art theft that happened i don't know if we can call it that no i'm gonna okay it's all in the frame then i guess so another shout man this is all about shout outs my home designer um niki kehoe yes well my designer is amy amy kehoe oh they're related uh what do you mean Nikki kehoe and amy kehoe no so i know this is confusing so it's todd nicky and Amy Kehoe.

[1499] Well, fuck me. Yep.

[1500] And combined, they're a design team, Nicky Keyhole.

[1501] No, don't disrespect.

[1502] I'm not.

[1503] I wanted to say keyhole.

[1504] Okay.

[1505] All right.

[1506] Now that that's out of your sis.

[1507] Yeah, we'll see.

[1508] It's just the most beautiful store ever in Los Angeles, and they're an incredible design team.

[1509] They've done, like, they did the Roosevelt recently.

[1510] Very exclusive.

[1511] Yeah, very, right.

[1512] When I met with her, you know, it wasn't like, it wasn't like, who am I going to pick.

[1513] Like, she had to approve me. Sure, sure.

[1514] You were auditioning.

[1515] Yes, I really was.

[1516] Thank God my house is cool.

[1517] Yeah.

[1518] And she's also, like, the sweetest, like, very kind, lovely person.

[1519] And she's so talented.

[1520] And sometimes, you know, when all things are happening, I'm confused.

[1521] Uh -huh.

[1522] I'm like, this doesn't seem right.

[1523] Like, she should be a little meaner or something.

[1524] Okay.

[1525] But she's not.

[1526] Okay, so can I tell you, I loved witnessing everything that just happened.

[1527] So basically, you sound like someone with a new boyfriend.

[1528] Like, you were trying to say that you stopped at the 76 station and ran into Darby.

[1529] So you were like, yeah, I ran into, while I was with Mike, he always wants to go for these rides on Sunday.

[1530] Because Mike's from...

[1531] What are you talking?

[1532] What is happening right now?

[1533] Mike's from Appalachia, so he loves taking these fun rides.

[1534] And it's great because I've never really been someone who would love to take.

[1535] car rights with no point just to end up at a 76 station.

[1536] What's Darby?

[1537] Well, see, you were telling us a story about this piece of art, but you never got there because you're so in love with your designer that you just started kind of romanticizing all these exchanges you've had and who she is.

[1538] And it's like, and then you were done.

[1539] I'm not done.

[1540] I'm not done.

[1541] You just started talking.

[1542] No. Wait, did you run into my mom at the grocery store?

[1543] I did.

[1544] Glenda and I went up there Do you know that she just got promoted?

[1545] Oh my God, oh my God.

[1546] I was just setting the scene, painting the picture, okay?

[1547] Yeah, full context.

[1548] Anyway, so I pop into that store often because I love it.

[1549] And you've been accepted by her, so now you're allowed to, yeah.

[1550] And we text, I don't know.

[1551] Yeah, she wears her hair so fun.

[1552] She went on a vacation in Mexico, and she had a nice time.

[1553] Anyway, I went into the store.

[1554] like on Saturday, just Saturday.

[1555] Yeah.

[1556] And I saw this piece of art small, like the size of...

[1557] Almost useless.

[1558] No?

[1559] I'm teasing.

[1560] But you had told me, you basically, can I give you my two cents or me?

[1561] You're like, I found this piece of art. I love it.

[1562] It's kind of small.

[1563] Like you were preparing me. Yeah.

[1564] Yeah.

[1565] You were worried I was going to be upset about the price.

[1566] Well, yes.

[1567] Especially per square inch.

[1568] Well, listen, listen.

[1569] I think when people hear art, think like a big art piece.

[1570] Right, huge.

[1571] Yeah, and this is a small painting.

[1572] I loved it, like an abstract roses.

[1573] Ooh, watercolors?

[1574] I can't remember.

[1575] And I'm not good at art, so I don't know the mediums.

[1576] Okay.

[1577] Yeah.

[1578] Could be oil, could be water, could be acrylic.

[1579] Could be pencils.

[1580] Oh, my gosh.

[1581] Yeah.

[1582] All right.

[1583] And I loved it, and I asked how much it cost.

[1584] And I don't have, I'm not artsy yet.

[1585] Like, I don't have art. But I want art. And Callie and Max, Callie's fiancé Max, they have art and their house looks so good because of art. Okay.

[1586] Okay.

[1587] So I asked and it was $1 ,500.

[1588] Approximately.

[1589] Let's say that.

[1590] Oh, so it was a little more than that.

[1591] I can't remember if it was $1 ,400 or $1 ,600.

[1592] Anyway.

[1593] And that's a lot of money.

[1594] Uh -huh.

[1595] So I didn't buy it right away.

[1596] And that's unlike me. It is.

[1597] You're an impulse buyer.

[1598] Yes.

[1599] And I came home.

[1600] I was thinking about it.

[1601] I thought I've been thinking about it for so long.

[1602] You even brought it up to your father.

[1603] So like, let me know that I was going to purchase an art piece.

[1604] Yeah, you're going to spend a good deal of money of your money, hard -earned money.

[1605] If you remember, my reaction was, I mean, art, you kind of, sky's the limit.

[1606] I mean, I was prepared for you to tell me it was 25 grand.

[1607] Exactly.

[1608] Fucking art. Who knows what it's.

[1609] So I told everyone about my art piece.

[1610] I was getting excited.

[1611] Then I was like, I'm going to go tomorrow morning right when it opens at 10 a .m. Because we weren't working that day.

[1612] It was Labor Day.

[1613] And I said, I'm going to go at 10 a .m. I'm going to get it.

[1614] And I called and they weren't answering.

[1615] And then I used my...

[1616] Oh, my gosh.

[1617] She's circumventing?

[1618] I did.

[1619] And I texted Amy and I said, are you guys open today?

[1620] And she said, no, we're actually not.

[1621] I said, oh, okay, bummer.

[1622] Well, there's this art piece I want.

[1623] Okay.

[1624] That's it.

[1625] She didn't respond.

[1626] And then...

[1627] Still waiting.

[1628] And then the next couple days, we've been working a ton.

[1629] So I wasn't able to get over to that side of town to get it.

[1630] Yesterday was Thursday, and it was the first time I was able to.

[1631] I went, the store opens at 10, and I got there at, like, 12, 15.

[1632] And I look at the wall where it's hanging, and it's not there.

[1633] And I was like, you know what?

[1634] Maybe they just moved it.

[1635] Maybe they just moved it.

[1636] Yeah.

[1637] But starting to get, like, you know, like pricklies in my stuff.

[1638] throat.

[1639] And then I asked the lady working at the front, is that painting still there?

[1640] And she said, oh, no, a designer just came that day.

[1641] Oh, boy.

[1642] And took it.

[1643] Oh, boy.

[1644] Let me ask you a question.

[1645] I'm heartbroken.

[1646] What would you spend to get it right now?

[1647] $7 ,000.

[1648] No, be realistic.

[1649] I think maybe.

[1650] No. Why?

[1651] Well, I want to do a real number.

[1652] Why?

[1653] Did you hear how loud that was?

[1654] Was that loud?

[1655] Yeah, that was a folly.

[1656] Yeah, he's doing, I thought a fucking deer was walking through tall grass.

[1657] I know he's like you're fucking leaning on the microphone.

[1658] I can't even make mine that loud.

[1659] And I have a - Wait, shh.

[1660] Yeah, that's pretty loud too.

[1661] No, do yours?

[1662] Oh, my God.

[1663] I'm afraid his fingers are getting cut.

[1664] Is your fingertips like got a million little blood?

[1665] They're bleeding all over the keyboard now.

[1666] Wow.

[1667] Okay, I hope it coagulates.

[1668] Listen, I want.

[1669] Because here's what I'm going to put out there into the universe.

[1670] Okay.

[1671] We have a reasonably big show, you and I. Have you heard of it?

[1672] It's called Armchair Expert.

[1673] And it's, oh, you're going to love this.

[1674] It's about celebrating the messiness of humanness.

[1675] Oh, that sounds saccharine as hell.

[1676] I love that when it started.

[1677] But now that when we do interviews and they say that, I'm like, oh, does that sound cheap now?

[1678] Anyway, so we have a sizable audience, I think still maybe at Spotify.

[1679] Hopefully, fingers crossed, we still have a big audience.

[1680] I think if we put it out there right now, it was $1 ,500.

[1681] If you're willing to spend $3 ,000 on it, I want to put it out to the listeners.

[1682] If anyone knows who bought this or if the person that bought it is listening, we will buy it off you.

[1683] You can double your money and you'll have a great story.

[1684] Okay, I am willing to spend $3 ,000.

[1685] But here's what my tiny worry is now.

[1686] Congratulations, I already found it for you and got it for you.

[1687] Come on in, guys!

[1688] God, I want to be able to plan.

[1689] and something like that someday.

[1690] Like one Oprah Winfrey moment where someone busts through the door with like your dream painting.

[1691] I'll pay $3 ,000 for the painting if anyone's willing to sell it to me. I'm nervous that I've now built the painting up in a way.

[1692] You're going to have buyer's remorse.

[1693] Yeah.

[1694] Yeah, because as soon as you liked it and you didn't buy it and you drove home, that started a whole relationship with it of regret already.

[1695] So you're probably elevating.

[1696] This is like, like, you don't, you kind of like somebody.

[1697] You're like, oh, I'd give it a sense.

[1698] six this relationship you break up and then for the next three days you're like i think i love that person and just made them a huge mistake this one well everyone i know and personally have gone through this like you get an immediate panic like i just fucking sure ruin everything so i think you've elevated you're in the stage where that thing was like the best pain you ever saw it was yeah and you know what else probably isn't the best you've ever seen it's the best okay and i asked the woman who worked there, I said, well, who is, who is?

[1699] No, who is she?

[1700] Who's the artist?

[1701] I was like, that's fine.

[1702] I can find this artist and have her make me one.

[1703] She's past.

[1704] No, well, I don't know.

[1705] So she was like, oh, she's like looking in her book.

[1706] She's like, it doesn't say.

[1707] And I'm like, well, then I'm like really panicking.

[1708] I'm like, can you please try to find out?

[1709] And so she says, yes, I'll find out.

[1710] She goes to the back.

[1711] Okay.

[1712] I don't know what's in the back.

[1713] But she goes to the back and then she comes back.

[1714] She says, her name is, Probably the gimp is in back in a cage with a leather mask over his face.

[1715] Go ahead.

[1716] What's that mean?

[1717] Pulp Fiction.

[1718] Oh, okay.

[1719] Pull out the gimp.

[1720] Okay.

[1721] Okay.

[1722] I don't think we're allowed to say that.

[1723] In reference to an actual character in a movie, I think I can say it.

[1724] Okay.

[1725] I'm not calling anyone.

[1726] But that's why we had to clarify what it was because if it's just a weird sentence you said, then.

[1727] Sure, sure, sure.

[1728] Okay.

[1729] So then she comes out.

[1730] She says her name is Anna Mansour.

[1731] Mr. Anna?

[1732] No. Her name is Anna Mansour.

[1733] And I said, oh, okay, great.

[1734] I'll write that down.

[1735] And she's like, yeah, but we get our art in a lot of weird ways.

[1736] This is the framer.

[1737] The framer knows this artist, and that's how we got it.

[1738] And we got all these pieces, and they're all sold out except one piece.

[1739] And I said, okay, well, and I'm like still writing it down.

[1740] And she's like, you're not going to find her.

[1741] Yeah.

[1742] She told me that.

[1743] And I was like, oh, my God.

[1744] Like, what is happening here?

[1745] You don't know what's happening?

[1746] Do you know what's happening, Rob?

[1747] Are you listening to the story at all?

[1748] No, he's scrolling through fucking pictures.

[1749] I'm looking at Anamonse painting pictures.

[1750] Oh, you are?

[1751] I did try and you really do.

[1752] You can't find her.

[1753] Okay, so.

[1754] Do you think her kid is Anamonsor?

[1755] I'd buy it from the kid.

[1756] I don't care.

[1757] I think you are not going to like this.

[1758] But you've got to promise me you're going to leave it in.

[1759] I can't promise that until I hear it.

[1760] That's true, because I could say it's a gimp again.

[1761] Yeah.

[1762] Yeah.

[1763] I think they bought, like, an odd lot of paintings that they thought were attractive, and now they're selling them for $1 ,500, so they got to act like it's by an artist.

[1764] And so there's a kind of scrambling to even give you a name.

[1765] Here's a name, but don't even look it up.

[1766] They're not an artist.

[1767] You can't find them.

[1768] They bought that for like $10, and they sold it for $1 ,500.

[1769] But I don't care.

[1770] That's great.

[1771] That's the value of her eye.

[1772] That painting is, that's not, there's no artist.

[1773] It's just like an odd lot of paintings they got for $80.

[1774] What do you mean an odd lot of painting?

[1775] That is a name that you.

[1776] would make up for a painter if you had.

[1777] Mike Mansour.

[1778] What was Ann?

[1779] Stop, stop.

[1780] Stop.

[1781] All right, hold on.

[1782] So, yeah, well, you know what an odd lot is?

[1783] Odd lot is like you could be at an auction.

[1784] Uh -huh.

[1785] And they could, all right, odd lot 13.

[1786] It's kind of who fucking knows.

[1787] Oh, it's a grab bag.

[1788] It's a chef's choice.

[1789] It's a chef's choice.

[1790] It's a chef's kiss.

[1791] It's a Russian roulette.

[1792] It's Russian roulette.

[1793] Steaks are high.

[1794] Pick your poison.

[1795] That's right.

[1796] And so you open up this odd lot and by God, there's these fucking amazing things.

[1797] Oh, shit.

[1798] Well, I don't.

[1799] Like, here's what I think.

[1800] I think they go to estate sales, these designers, as they do.

[1801] They go to estate sales.

[1802] They accumulate really cool looking stuff.

[1803] They don't know who fucking painted it.

[1804] And they know it's not worth $1 ,500 because that artist didn't get $1 ,500.

[1805] Well, it's worth $1 ,500 if people are willing to pay it.

[1806] You're absolutely right.

[1807] But what they don't want to tell you is this is a five, this artist would paint this for you for $5.

[1808] That could crumble the whole house.

[1809] And I'm on sore if you're out there.

[1810] It's for $3 ,000 now.

[1811] Exactly.

[1812] Think how crazy that name sounds.

[1813] Anna Mansour, if you're out there.

[1814] Stop, that's a real person.

[1815] Okay.

[1816] So you can't say it's crazy.

[1817] Well, isn't Mansour Mr. in French?

[1818] I don't know.

[1819] There's all kinds of weird name, people's names that are other names.

[1820] Yeah, it's Mr. Sir in French.

[1821] Mr. Sir.

[1822] Great.

[1823] She.

[1824] This is so fun.

[1825] Why are you turning on me?

[1826] I'm not, but you made fun of me for not taking a story in a linear direction.

[1827] And then ever since you did that, I haven't been able to say one thing.

[1828] normally.

[1829] Do you think my, what I was making fun of is that your story was not linear.

[1830] Was that the joke I was making?

[1831] Yeah, that I didn't get to the end of the story.

[1832] I was making a joke that you're in love with your designer, the way you'd be in love with a new boyfriend.

[1833] That was my joke, which I thought was, I thought it was cute of you.

[1834] You just started regaling about her, and you were like, were glowing, and then you never got to the story.

[1835] It was wonderful.

[1836] Okay, so it was part and parcel.

[1837] I was not critical of the linear nature.

[1838] You know me. I've never told a linear story on here.

[1839] Well, you make fun of Kristen for that, for not being able to tell a story from beginning to end.

[1840] No, I make fun of her for continually reversing in time.

[1841] She keeps thinking you need other info before you can learn this info.

[1842] Right.

[1843] And in fact, this morning, she said Delta tells stories just like I do.

[1844] And I said, oh, in that they all start at 1B