#8 - Tom Segura

[0] Pass the camera back and forth.

[1] Yeah, that's what I do.

[2] We could go now, but unless you want me to do the audio or that video first, then it's not taking it.

[3] No, let's just do it.

[4] Just fire it up.

[5] You got it on your screen?

[6] Yes.

[7] Recording.

[8] Ladies and gentlemen, we're here.

[9] Are we here?

[10] Let me see if this fucking works.

[11] I see it, man. You have the sound, huh?

[12] I can hear the sound.

[13] Yeah, I'm going to put on this stuff.

[14] Sound works.

[15] What's it on right now?

[16] Ladies and gentlemen, we are not a smooth operation.

[17] This is my friend Tom Segura, a very funny, talented comedian.

[18] We're drinking coffee.

[19] We just ate some disgusting food.

[20] I had a big, fat Italian sub that's terrible for you.

[21] But it tasted good as shit.

[22] I ate too fast.

[23] I did too.

[24] Well, we knew we had to do this.

[25] So we got lunch, and then we came down, and you don't want to hear about our fucking food.

[26] You don't care.

[27] Oh, I'm echoing.

[28] Like I said, we're in a smooth operation, ladies and gentlemen.

[29] What's going on, freaks?

[30] How the fuck are you all out there and you stream land?

[31] Tom Seguerra, what did you do this weekend?

[32] What did I do?

[33] Tom's a girl, hilarious stand -up comedian, if you haven't seen him before.

[34] Tom and I met when I was first doing the Maxim tour with Charlie Murphy and John Heffron.

[35] We did this tour, and everywhere we had a different guy open up for us.

[36] you know most of them were guys that were just starting out or guys that hadn't been doing it that long it was like a cool little thing for them to get up and do some stand -up or it was like the local funny there's like in a couple times like Chicago there was like some local guys that went up that were really funny a couple of other places but tom was the funniest at all of them he was the funniest when we were in phoenix and he went up he's fucking hilarious I was like god damn this dude's really funny like this is some funny shit it was like it was mean -spirited but smart and Very good stuff, man. And so we've been pals.

[37] Thanks, man. Ever since.

[38] Tom Seguerra, very talented comedian.

[39] It's just, you know, for comedians, there's a lot of comedians that are really funny, but you don't know who they are.

[40] And it's a weird thing.

[41] It's like, to be really good as a comedian is almost like, sometimes it's like the exact opposite mindset to be good at, like, promoting yourself.

[42] You know, don't you think?

[43] Yeah, man. There's, like, the two extremes exist, right?

[44] Yeah.

[45] The guy, there's some guys.

[46] I don't know, I just, I don't feel like, I feel like you're supposed to be not just focusing on your stand -up, but on how to be a great marketing guy.

[47] Yeah, that's hard to do.

[48] It's not my mindset, you know, and there's guys that are, like Dan Cook's the master at it, for sure.

[49] Yeah.

[50] But there's guys that are pretty goddamn good at it, you know, that really, really are good about, like, promoting themselves.

[51] And some of them have a great five minutes.

[52] Yeah.

[53] But, God damn, they can fill up places.

[54] You know, it's, it's an art in and of itself.

[55] It really is.

[56] It's definitely something to be respected.

[57] You know, I'm always amazed when I find out, like, certain guys are, like, selling, you know, 10 ,000 C places.

[58] And you're like, whoa, really?

[59] Holy shit.

[60] How do you do that?

[61] That's incredible.

[62] 10 ,000 people come to see you.

[63] But is that, can that be a result of doing great promoting, you think?

[64] Well, yeah, I mean, it's definitely a result of great.

[65] You have to have something.

[66] There has to be a product.

[67] Then there has to be great promoting.

[68] But I think the very same mindset that makes you, like the really the really good comics like guys like david tell they're not the best at promoting themselves you know like these are louis k i mean louis kkk is a great professional comic a great writer but like he just deleted his my space and deleted his facebook and didn't want to deal with anymore so he'll still use twitter just because he felt like it was too much and it's like it's almost like to be great creatively it's almost like you can't really you know it's something it's almost like they don't work together like you have to relearn it as a comic like I think you have to like accept that this is a part of the job and you can't think of it at like you know like something you don't you do or you don't do it's no big deal you have to think of it as this is like an integral part of your job yeah and it's hard but the thing is like it's hard to picture like Richard Pryor being like you gotta come to my show to know tell your friends the phone come you know you don't picture him like you just know you like you when you get into comedy you don't like think and then I'll recruit people to come to the show you just go I'll just work I'll just try to do this well and I'll actually never even occurs to you to think about it because before you know you think that every club manager is just like what I do is I make people come here right right right like you're part of the equation too and it's a weird thing because now like with the internet you have more access to people than ever before but it seems like less and less comedians are like popping up up than ever before, too.

[69] It's kind of weird, you know?

[70] You would think that with, like, you know, the Internet, like, there would be more new comics that you hear about.

[71] Like, how often you hear about some guy that someone tells you about that's really funny?

[72] And you go to see his clips, and they're really funny.

[73] It's not that often, right?

[74] You know, it's like, think about how many good movies come out of year.

[75] Or think about, like, how many, you know, TV shows you're excited about, and then think about how many comics that you see, you know?

[76] It's such a weird path.

[77] you know it's like no one ever no one who's smarter and more balanced than a comedian ever stepped back and like looked at the whole process and said listen you know this is this is how it should all be done this is how you should go from you know doing open mic nights to being a professional to you know to plotting out your career no one ever does that right this is something I got no one does but this is fact that you're making me think of something I have to ask you do you think that that that there's so, I'm thinking about, like, who's regarded as, like, great and, like, how there's not really, you don't hear about that many new things coming up as far as comics go.

[78] Do you think there is an age that somebody, like, you have to be, to really be, like, considered super funny?

[79] Like, I'm saying in stand -up, is there a cut -off age?

[80] Like, because really, like, gray comics don't exist under a certain age, do you think?

[81] Um, yeah, I would never say, absolutely because I think that if there can be prodigies and music and there can be people that are born with the right neurofrequency to make them like mathematical geniuses when their children and chess geniuses I think all that shit is that's possible that someone could be like that with comedy too there could be some smart ass kid who's like 18 years old is funnier than everybody else and just really smart yeah just a genius but you listen memory and things though too like just having you know such a huge memory I yes I there's a certain amount of it is most certainly a certain amount of what comedy is is the more experiences you have the more information you can draw from and so when you're older your comedy makes more sense it's more complex because you're more complex you've looked at the puzzle a little bit longer than the young kids but some some of the best comedy is not like that some of the best comedy is silly you know like look at brian reagan's comedy that's some silly shit man but it's hilarious he's like Brian Regan is like one of the only dudes that figured out a way to be hilarious for everybody.

[82] He's hilarious.

[83] Like, if you don't think that guy's funny, like you're being, you know, you're not in a good mood, you know?

[84] Like, he's saying a bunch of fucking silly shit and it's like really well delivered.

[85] But you could take your grandmother to go see Brian Reagan.

[86] Totally.

[87] You know?

[88] And a kid.

[89] You can take a kid.

[90] It's amazing.

[91] He figured something out.

[92] Well, it's just him, though.

[93] You know what I'm saying?

[94] Like, that's who he is.

[95] And if you're some kid, just some super genius, 20 -year -old kid, who's to say that you can't be hilarious?

[96] Who's to say you can't be like a real, you know, headliner that I would pay for?

[97] I mean, I look back in, like, when I was 21 doing stand -up, I would like to go back to all those people and give them their money back.

[98] I would like to go out to, I am so sorry.

[99] You had to sit through all that shit.

[100] You know, I would love to go back to people that saw me when I was, like, 22, and apologize.

[101] I'm so sorry, but you helped me so much.

[102] I know it was atrocious to get through.

[103] They're paying for you to go through college, kind of, you're that exactly is you're a paid if you're a paid comedian and you really have only been doing it for like two years and you're 22 years old god damn your material is going to be dog shit you know i mean i had some stuff actually by the second year i had some stuff that was pretty good it's like good blowjob jokes and stuff like that ones that i could still throw out today if i'm in a hole at 1 .35 in the morning you know i need a bit to settle into what we're talking about yeah it's possible though right don't you think some some young kid could be amazing I choked fucked up bro um yeah I guess it's possible it's like do you ever do you how often do you find yourself stopping to watch like a 25 year old say something or like if it is a 25 year old it's a black one you know if someone tells me there's some white kid that's in here I'm like how old is he 25 has he done heroin right no See, that's what I'm saying.

[104] I want to see something.

[105] It's not interesting until a certain point.

[106] Yeah, you've got to tell me what happened to him.

[107] Was he kidnapped, molested?

[108] Did he graduate Harvard early?

[109] Yes?

[110] Yes to all these?

[111] Okay.

[112] All right, let's see what you have to say.

[113] Do you remember how much of your early stuff you thought was good, though?

[114] Like, at the moment, when you're like, when you hit 20 minutes, you're like, I've got a great 20 minutes.

[115] There was a point in time where I was way ahead of myself.

[116] I thought it was much better than I was.

[117] And there's also a point when you realize that a lot of what you're doing, especially with me I realized a lot of what I was doing was just doing tricks I had not relaxed enough to let out my own sense of humor all I was doing was like trying to calculate how to trick them into laughing I hadn't really figured out what was funny I was just I was coming from a real weird place I was coming from a place of what's matter?

[118] Sound just went off or something well yep did you tweet it as me too yeah what is it?

[119] Does you put it on Twitter?

[120] It's on your Twitter.

[121] Right -Man dash studio.

[122] Okay, so we're on right now?

[123] Yeah, on right -man -dash -stead.

[124] Ladies and gentlemen, obviously the New World Order does not want us talking about stand -up comedy.

[125] It's a very dangerous subject and the information that we have leaked in this broadcast, this confidential information, may be bad for America.

[126] We're back.

[127] I don't know what the fuck happened.

[128] We got forced off.

[129] We got forced off the air, you know, because we're giving out secret information about the government.

[130] Government came through.

[131] They called when we were off.

[132] Tommy, what's your take on conspiracies?

[133] Any crazy conspiracies that you believe in?

[134] Is there anything you believe in that people go, what the fuck is wrong with you, Tommy?

[135] Yeah, I'll be like, money makes you happy.

[136] Wow.

[137] What a bunch of bullshit that is.

[138] That's hilarious.

[139] I'm not rich, and I'm fucking the happiest guy ever mean your life.

[140] It's a very happy guy.

[141] Yeah, but I think, you know, George Carlin, did an interview where he was talking about the key to happiness is find something that you love to do do it well and have people recognize you for it you know and um it was a it was pretty interesting interview because it was dead on the money you know i mean that's that is really like the key to happiness like even if you even if you're making really good money doing something you don't like to do it's not fun you know i mean even if you're making great money like as a stockbroker or banker that shit eats away at your fucking soul nobody wants to be doing that you can ever be thrilled to do that yeah yeah no there's like there i mean there are serial killers that really enjoy doing that you know not supposedly right yeah so but who knows what the fuck that is but you know it's like to to really be happy you know the real problem is no not everyone can fucking do what they want to do we'd have a whole world full of uh air force fighter jet pilots like some martial arts fighters comedians and you know and billionaires and you know what I'm saying yeah yeah it's there's going to have to be regular folks too there's going to have to be people that that abandon those ideas or families more important to them or some aren't capable either yeah there's got that too but that's the thing that people don't want to look at like as if there's like real inherent potential in people you know everyone wants to think that everybody's equal but this not true I'm I'm very dumb when it comes to math like my brain I never paid attention in high school and when people start talking math I have like a block my brain just glosses over the exact same way I know I think part of it's even self -imposed right like we're not as bad at math as we think we are right because the whole everything that we think of with math is scary we just you actually try less in math because you're already scared of it you know what I mean like yeah yes I shed it's failed every level of math yeah me too and you know what the funny thing is almost everybody I know that's a really good comic has the same problem bad of matter really?

[142] Yeah I don't know any comics that are like math geniuses it's like a different mindset you know yeah yeah I think it is that's just guessing though you know because my friend I had a friend my friend Johnny B who was a pool player that guy easily could have been a stand -up comedian he just nobody talked to him you know there's a bunch of guys that I've met in my life that could have really easily Eddie Bravo Eddie Bravo could have easily been a stand -up comedian.

[143] There's a bunch of dudes that are just real good storytellers.

[144] They just know how to make everybody laugh, and all they were missing was someone talking them into going on stage.

[145] Yeah.

[146] There's so many guys like that.

[147] But that guy was a mathematical genius, and he was a pool player, like a professional hustler.

[148] And he was so good at math.

[149] He could, like, just yell numbers at him, like yell, 392 minus 5 divided by 4 times 100.

[150] He would go 226.

[151] He would just have the the number.

[152] That really freaks me at it.

[153] It was crazy.

[154] He could do it, he could do with everything.

[155] We would sit there with a calculator and we would fuck with him.

[156] And he was, I mean, that's one of the reasons why I'm so good at pool.

[157] He was, he was amazing at judging angles.

[158] Like, he could see it geometrically.

[159] He would see a pool table.

[160] He would see the paths, you know?

[161] And that's, that's another mathematical thing.

[162] Or a lot of good pool players, good, you know.

[163] There's a bunch of guys who are.

[164] Yeah.

[165] The guys who have, like, a real natural talent for it.

[166] Like, as good as I ever played pool when I was playing pool like eight, 10 hours a day.

[167] I was always never near as good as like really good guys.

[168] And my friend Johnny was like as good as like when he was on, he could play as good as anybody I've ever seen.

[169] Really?

[170] Yeah.

[171] And so it's a talent.

[172] You know, there's a certain amount of it is hard work and dedication.

[173] But there's a certain, there's in every now and then, whether it's in music or in, you know, in sports, every now and then there's hard work comes along and runs into a talent you know and you see someone who's got something just some natural incredible gift and on top of that they work hard with it you know that's that's like the type of shit that's the real amazing thing yeah somebody is that talented and they're still working really hard yeah like like fighters like bj pen is a perfect example of that here's a guy who's super hyper talented but his his big problem was he never really trained like the most obsessed guys do i mean he trained hard no doubt about it but but there's a certain level of fitness, these fucking crazy monsters, these George St. Pierre, these savages, they're on this insanely high level of fitness.

[174] And, you know, and finally, BJ is training just like those guys are now.

[175] So now it's incredible.

[176] And you see a guy with talent, and on top of the talent, now you have dedication and hard work too.

[177] It's amazing, too, if you look at, like, of all sports and others at least a couple of guys in every sport, that some of them were known for not.

[178] working hard yeah they were so like someone I think totally one every sport has guys like Pete Sampras and everybody knows Pete Sampras mm -hmm like apparently I think it's him like if it's not I'm sorry but I think it's Pete that that like they said like didn't really train and the guy had like every Grand Slam title that's incredible he was basically unbeatable for a stretch of years he um he married a chick that I did a pilot for a TV show with God I could remember her name she was super cool She was in an Adam Sandler movie Yeah, yeah, yeah, forget her name.

[179] I think that's right.

[180] Is that?

[181] No. Remember her name?

[182] Oh, I feel like a dick.

[183] I can't remember her name.

[184] She was very nice, though.

[185] Yeah.

[186] That guy was a super tennis player, and he didn't train?

[187] I think they said that, like, it's not that he didn't train.

[188] It's just, like, not a hard work.

[189] Isn't it funny, like, that black women have made tennis with the Williams sisters?

[190] When are we going to see, like, yoked up, running back -looking tennis players?

[191] You know, dudes like Hershal Walker -type tennis players.

[192] Who just forgot.

[193] just fuck that ball up.

[194] You know what I mean?

[195] Like, those guys are coming.

[196] I mean, all they have to do is, like, get into tennis, and all these white guys are fucked, you know?

[197] I mean, that's just how it's going to go down.

[198] If ever there's, like, a path for inner -city school kids to get good at tennis, oh, the only reason tennis is a rich person sport, man. Who the fuck is playing tennis?

[199] Where's the tennis court?

[200] Right.

[201] You know, if you go to a tennis court in a bad neighborhood, that's where people fight, you know?

[202] I mean, it's not, you know, you get black kids really into tennis?

[203] shit.

[204] It's over.

[205] It's over.

[206] It's a rap.

[207] It's a wrap.

[208] What?

[209] You're going to move faster than them?

[210] I wonder why that hasn't happened for real, though.

[211] I don't know.

[212] You know, it's funny that for somehow or another, that that's perceived as being racist, that when you talk about black athletes, like that black athletes are some of the best in all sports.

[213] There's great white, white athletes.

[214] There's great, like George St. Pierre and, you know, Brock Lezner.

[215] There's, there's freak athlete athletes that are white, too.

[216] But, man, there's a lot of great black ones.

[217] Holy shit.

[218] Bobby Buckeyes says when Venus and Serena had kids.

[219] God damn.

[220] Venus and Serena, what kind of...

[221] Imagine if Venus and Serena had kids with Bobby Lashley.

[222] You know Bobby Lashley is?

[223] Mm -hmm.

[224] He's this super -yoked -up wrestler dude who is fighting mixed martial arts now.

[225] He looks like a...

[226] Like one of those little he -man action figures.

[227] Doesn't look like a real human.

[228] He's just fucking super -yoked.

[229] And he's smashing dudes.

[230] Just picking him up, slamming them on their backs.

[231] He's super -powerful wrestler.

[232] him and Serena Williams I think it's even crazier when people say that blacks aren't great athletes that would be that's much more absurd I had a little Twitter conversation back and forth to this dude last night he said that me and Goldberg always refer to black people as explosive and athletic when they're describing a black fighter and that you know that could be perceived as racist because you're not counting into fact that they're very technical as well that's bullshit you know we always count into effect whether a guy's technical like when you look at a guy like phil davis is this wrestler who just fought in the last ufc he wasn't just explosive and athletic he's like a high level wrestler you know his technique was outstanding and the way he took these guys down was like almost effortless you know he's so good at wrestling and the guy fought this guy brian stan you know had good take down defense but this dude is so all around so good how could you not say he's explosive in athletic that's ridiculous yeah that is exactly what he is And they want you to answer that.

[233] Yeah, it's not that he's not technical, too.

[234] But come on, man, that guy has some freak gifts.

[235] His legs are, like, fucking 10 feet long.

[236] They look like almost like an antelope's legs.

[237] You know what I'm saying?

[238] When he was out there standing in front of the dude, I'm like, he looks like he could jump over him.

[239] He looks so powerful.

[240] You know, and like Brock Lesnar is another one.

[241] That's a perfect example of a white guy.

[242] How can you not say that guy is, like, athletic?

[243] How can you not say he's explosive?

[244] And he's white, and he's just a fucking giant.

[245] Viking dude, you know, he's got Viking genetics or some shit in him, you know what I'm saying?

[246] He's an animal.

[247] Fuck yeah.

[248] I mean, that's just, that's just real, like, that's like the, the most savage that America's capable of producing.

[249] That's a pure American power genetic right there, you know what I'm saying?

[250] Like, you get, like, a lot, like, especially, like, with, with slavery in America.

[251] I mean, so many, I mean, it's like something that you're not supposed to talk about for whatever reason, but it's a known fact that slaves would breed the biggest males or the biggest females.

[252] And, I mean, how many African Americans in this country come from slavery?

[253] Like, God damn, it's a real, it's a real obvious thing.

[254] That's the reason why there's so many really powerful strong ones.

[255] It's almost like genetic engineering.

[256] It's absurd to not recognize that there are more explosive, athletic, muscular.

[257] But that's a good thing.

[258] Like, how could that possibly be, but how could that possibly be, like, negative?

[259] Like, you're, in some ways, people are saying, like, well, you're making excuses for them, you're saying they're better than people because of that and it's not because of technique.

[260] But that's just you.

[261] You're putting that in your own head.

[262] I would never say that.

[263] And there are guys that are explosive that aren't that technical, but that's just because that's how they are.

[264] And there's guys that are.

[265] It's like, you've got to be honest about when it comes to sports and anything like everyone's so touchy -feely with this whole black -white issue.

[266] We're all human beings, folks.

[267] But it's very obvious that Chinese guys don't have bigger dicks than black.

[268] guys.

[269] I mean, everybody fucking knows it.

[270] You couldn't argue it in court.

[271] Yeah.

[272] You know, if you pulled out all the black dicks and all the Chinese dicks, it would be a simple, I would bet every fucking dollar I have that the black guys would win.

[273] Yeah.

[274] Right?

[275] They would beat the white, the Chinese dicks would be crying.

[276] Every down and then you think you got a big dick until you tune into you porn and there's some dude and I'm not talking fake rubber dicks Brian.

[277] I know what you're thinking.

[278] I'm talking real dicks.

[279] There's dudes with real dicks that look like fucking arms.

[280] Like mandingo.

[281] Yeah.

[282] They're real dicks.

[283] They aren't holding on to it.

[284] It's not strapped on.

[285] Their balls are shaved.

[286] This is his real giant dick.

[287] And he's fucking the shit of this.

[288] Poor little white runaway.

[289] And this girl with a like a bad tattoo on her ass.

[290] And that's intimidating, bro.

[291] Man Dingo's dick actually looks like a, like a weapon that he could like use, like, in a fight or like to get you to, like, give him money.

[292] Like that guy's dick, he looks like, it looks like a fist.

[293] Have you seen Lexington Steel?

[294] Oh, yeah.

[295] This is yoked up black dude.

[296] He's got a dick like 14 inches wrong.

[297] I just did a sign, man. We're talking reality here, people.

[298] Did you see what's taken over Twitter?

[299] The new thing?

[300] No, I was just going to talk about John Holmes' dick, though.

[301] This is very important.

[302] The last big, white guy with a big dick was John Holmes, known for his big dick.

[303] Who else has been known for a big giant?

[304] Not like...

[305] Pretty much.

[306] Yeah, not the same.

[307] He's got a big dick, but it's not ridiculous.

[308] John Holmes was a monster.

[309] It was a snake, but the dude could never get fully hard.

[310] Right.

[311] It was always like, because it was all jacked up on whatever the fuck.

[312] he was doing at the time.

[313] Did you ever see that movie where Val Kilmer played him?

[314] Pretty interesting movie.

[315] Yeah.

[316] The guy was a mess.

[317] But it was never like a weapon, you know?

[318] Yeah, no, no. These things, look, look, black guys, you can run faster and jump higher and you have bigger, scarier dicks.

[319] That's a fact.

[320] I mean, it's, to act like it's not true.

[321] And those dicks are terrifying.

[322] It's a stereotype, Tom.

[323] Stereotype.

[324] Yeah.

[325] You shouldn't support those stereotypes because there's a lot of black guys out there with little dicks, and they don't want to get along with their woman, pull it out and have all these high expectations.

[326] Sure, it's just not the color.

[327] Like, if it was the same black eye would be white, would it just be that creepy river dick.

[328] It wouldn't even be big, it would just be like creepy river dick.

[329] Creepy river dick.

[330] What is it?

[331] What the fuck are you talking?

[332] What is that?

[333] I never heard that.

[334] He got too high.

[335] I'm going to have to shut his camera off.

[336] There's your settings here.

[337] Did you see the new thing that's taken over Twitter?

[338] No. The Google Buzz, have you become a tester of that yet?

[339] No. What is that?

[340] It's pretty much Google's taking Twitter.

[341] and embedding it into Gmail.

[342] Jesus fucking Christ.

[343] They're savages.

[344] Yeah, I just started it.

[345] Oh, my God, it never ends.

[346] It's going to take over Twitter.

[347] God damn it.

[348] I was hoping that Twitter would be it.

[349] I would hope we could stop.

[350] But you know what?

[351] Here's the thing, man. Google's taking over the universe.

[352] They're going to be Internet service providers now.

[353] Google's going to install their own pipes in neighborhoods.

[354] These gigantic fucking one -gigabyte pipes, these fiber optics that get you, you can download porn on the moon and, like, you know, fractions of a second.

[355] They're doing some nutty shit, man. They own everything, man. Google Maps, Google Voicemail, Google Mail, Google everything.

[356] They're taking it over.

[357] It's crazy.

[358] Actually, the takeover has begun.

[359] Could you imagine if we find out one day that what Google was was, everybody was saying, well, if there is artificial intelligence, you know, when artificial intelligence eventually manifests itself, like, will it even let itself be known?

[360] Or will people just go about their lives not knowing that artificial intelligence is alive and conscious, and while artificial indulge is trying to plot what to do and how to take over the situation.

[361] Well, if computers were intelligent, wouldn't they start up a company that would just buy up everything and own you, have your accounts where you do your, you can do Google purchases, where you buy things with a Google account, and you got Google Mail, Google Maps which shows where you fucking live.

[362] You know, you got Google everything.

[363] And your Google voicemail, It's documenting everything that you say.

[364] It's making little transcriptions of every voicemail that gets left on you.

[365] What do you hear that Google is going to try to do their maps, but inside of buildings, that's for next thing.

[366] So if you're like, I want to know where that pot store is.

[367] Oh, there it is.

[368] I want to see what it looks like inside.

[369] Oh, that's crazy.

[370] And you just walked through the store.

[371] And they just announced a couple of days ago that they have all these ski things.

[372] So now you can go down ski mountains on Google Maps.

[373] It's already on Google Maps right now.

[374] Can you imagine if Google was really artificial intelligence, just slowly consuming society?

[375] Could you imagine?

[376] The president was a robot?

[377] Well, the people, like, at the very top, like, no one's met the boss, you know what I'm saying?

[378] Like, the boss is fucking, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

[379] You know, it's a fucking computer, man. Could you imagine?

[380] It's just the bad guy from Inspector Gadget with a cat.

[381] Like, how does it work?

[382] What would you think would happen?

[383] If there was a moment where artificial intelligence became independent, They were able to operate and sustain themselves without any human action.

[384] They had a system set up of checks and balances where they could always make sure that they would stay awake.

[385] They would always make sure the power was on.

[386] They had robots that they were controlling that could, you know, manipulate everything and do what they wanted them to do.

[387] At that point in time, when do we find out?

[388] Because that's going to happen, right?

[389] I mean, if it's possible.

[390] It's probably already happening.

[391] It's going to happen.

[392] If it hasn't happened, if, you know, with Moore's law and with, you know, the exponential increase in, you know, accelerating increase in complexity when it comes to technology, it's not going to stop right here.

[393] It's going to keep going.

[394] It's going to keep going in the same direction that's going right now.

[395] Will we be enslaved at that point, though?

[396] Oh, dude, don't do that to my cat.

[397] She freaks out when people, like, do weird shit where they're, like, hold her in front of things, and she'll go pee somewhere.

[398] Right, right.

[399] You can't do that, right.

[400] She loves attention, but if you fuck with her, she'll shit in your bag.

[401] She loves me. do you think do you think though that like it'll be will we all be Google slaves though I'm wondering them man Google's gonna take over the goddamn universe Skynet hell do you use by the way have you used the other search engines Google is Skynet why don't they just change it I've been actually trying to use Bingley is it is it good it's all right it's better than Yahoo I mean who who uses that yeah what happened how did Google just become such Uber cyber pimps they had the basic color graphic and that's all it was remember when you first went to Google yeah but that's not why they're so successful Why are they so successful in hitting, like, all these major markets?

[402] It's like, they made a brand name.

[403] And then once they made that brand name, all the other versions of what they do were diminished significantly.

[404] Like, I don't know what the numbers are.

[405] It's like Yahoo searches to Google searches, but everybody I talk to, when you have a question, you go Google that shit.

[406] You know, hey, you know, why is this guy red on certain nights when the sunsets?

[407] It's Google that shit.

[408] Bam.

[409] You know, what is that?

[410] Oh, well, that's the moisture in the air combined with, you know, the fucking.

[411] rotation of the earth and you're only getting the corona blah blah blah that's fascinating shit man we didn't have that we're kids we were just stupid this is a fantastic time to be alive oh it's great you can ask any question that thing right until google fucks us in the ass right until google shuts the whole system down takes over i just really want the next big thing to be everything you see is recorded type what why would you want that bro you're a freak god damn it where i'm just like like i walked out the other night and i saw a shooting star and it was the biggest shooting star I ever saw and I'm just like fuck I wish I saw that like just show that to somebody else right but then you would rewind it and it would get to the part where you were beating off earlier that day right I'm sorry I went too far and you had two fingers up your butthole and you make the scissor motions of your fingers and you're beating it and I have I'm forced to see that too do you think it's going to be something like where you're going to put like these like contact lenses in that are like a computer or something that goes over your eyes there's going to be some sort of a neural interface there's going to be something that connects people's minds and the whole system of recording and consciousness in your mind and connects that directly to a computer.

[412] That's what's going to happen.

[413] It's going to be, there's going to be, you're going to have a way to access other databases.

[414] And this is what I think it's probably going to be.

[415] It's probably going to be they're going to come up with an artificial brain.

[416] They're going to reproduce the human brain.

[417] And I mean, once they get to the point where they can do that, once they get to the point where they can literally create or recreate a human mind.

[418] And, I mean, and, you know, and have all its functions mapped out and do it correctly.

[419] Like, that seems like nonsense, but that shit's just a matter of time.

[420] They're going to be able to do that eventually.

[421] And when they do, God damn.

[422] Do you think we'll have finally something, though, that we've always wanted, like, flying cars by then?

[423] It'll be crazier than that.

[424] It'll be when they have an artificial brain, and they know exactly how the brain works.

[425] They know exactly how to interface with your brain.

[426] I mean, it might be possible to interface with your brain with a frequency that you could transmit through the air.

[427] Will people have to do anything at that point?

[428] It might be like Wi -Fi, man. You might not have to do anything, like, biologically, to your brain.

[429] What I'm saying is they might figure out a way to tap into the very fucking frequency that your brain operates under.

[430] You got mad ants everywhere.

[431] It sounds like, what's because of you, you dirty bitch?

[432] They hate you.

[433] They're coming to kick your ass.

[434] I do have ants.

[435] I got an ant problem.

[436] They're like all over this carpet.

[437] Yeah, well, nobody gives a fuck about that out there in Ustream land, bro.

[438] That's not fascinating.

[439] I was going to talk about ants for a while.

[440] um so you know what is going to happen that's the big question what the fuck is it going to be what is what is going to be this this big change that uh that that takes us from where we are today i think it's going to be something like that i think the next big jump is going to be something where we can directly access information you know like you know they make maybe they could even try it in a town you know and one town will volunteer for it and the whole fucking town becomes telepathic, you know?

[441] Like they have this frequency they can broadcast it like a Wi -Fi -type signal.

[442] And the Wi -Fi -type signal is hooked to some sort of a machine or something that can take brainwaves and connect them and, what's the word I'm looking for, translate them into binary code, into ones and zeros, into the information from the internet.

[443] And then it can transmit it right back into brainwaves.

[444] you could access things without doing anything, without having any chips in your brain, without having any wires.

[445] If they could get to the point where they could figure out how to transmit something that your brain could automatically and instantly produce.

[446] I think Google goggles is a pretty good step too, being able to take a picture of anything, and it's like Google search for photos.

[447] You know, you could just walk around and be like, what's this bird?

[448] And it brings you up everything about that bird.

[449] Right.

[450] I think that's going to be good too.

[451] You have to have, like, competing.

[452] companies doing all that shit though right yeah it can't be that we all get it from one source right that's kind of crazy yeah i mean do google has a good reputation though right i don't know i think it's a but but also is a really aggressive like company yeah well obviously shit they've taken over the goddamn world yeah exactly i used to really like google but now i'm getting kind of freaked out by him late really it's just about the information that they have the growing in power you know don't tom tom i mean we're pretty much trusting a website with a lot of information.

[453] A lot, almost everything.

[454] They have my credit card.

[455] They know where you live, bro.

[456] You got a map of your fucking house.

[457] It's really weird, right?

[458] I have a phone in my pocket that has me GPS everywhere I am in the whole entire world.

[459] Maybe Google is step one.

[460] And then, you know, step two is you have to buy a certain cell phone.

[461] Stick it up your ass and go back in time.

[462] It's the Darmin initiative.

[463] It is the goddamn Darminition.

[464] I don't even excited to watch long.

[465] I got that shit DVR.

[466] I'm not even excited to watch it.

[467] It wasn't a good episode.

[468] Last week bored the shit out of me, man. Last week it was like, oh, we're going back in time.

[469] Oh, and then the bomb.

[470] And the hero will go, oh, look, this is crazy.

[471] They're in this time.

[472] But are they in that time or this time?

[473] Where are they?

[474] Right.

[475] This guy Nick Yusuf said it best.

[476] The last episode, the last 90 seconds is all they needed for the whole episode.

[477] Yeah.

[478] You know, it seems to me like...

[479] I didn't.

[480] It was a brilliant show that is impossible to keep up.

[481] You know?

[482] It's impossible.

[483] to keep people strung along and fascinated for some of the years.

[484] Do you?

[485] It's just so slow.

[486] But the same people are riding it at a certain point in time you don't think the well's dry?

[487] No, I thought it was dry like maybe the third season.

[488] Well, maybe they're just setting a bunch of things up and it would be worth it in the future.

[489] I watched the whole first three seasons, whatever the hell it was.

[490] I watched them all on DVDs.

[491] I watched them all in a row, which was awesome.

[492] No commercials.

[493] You watched two, three in a row.

[494] It's fun.

[495] That was great.

[496] Yeah.

[497] Were you hooked for the first time you saw it?

[498] I actually caught up like he did, but I started like at season two and just went all through one and two.

[499] I get hooked on shows, man, then I get bored.

[500] Like I, a Battlestar Galactica, I loved that show.

[501] That show was incredible.

[502] I couldn't get in on that.

[503] Until the last season, the last season I was like, I don't care anymore.

[504] You know, it wasn't that it was bad.

[505] It was just after a while, it's like, I didn't have enough invested in it.

[506] It's like you're, if you're, they're building a show towards a certain conclusion, you know, And then they have a new conclusion.

[507] Oh, all of a sudden, we're on a planet.

[508] Oh, okay.

[509] How is this going to work out?

[510] After a while, you just lose interest.

[511] Yeah.

[512] It's like you've been dragged.

[513] The drama's been dragged out of you.

[514] You know, a series, I think, it's very difficult when there's a quest, you know, when there's a quest to find, like, the new Earth.

[515] You know, that's good to motivate you through a few episodes.

[516] But to keep that going, like, as a series and to stay interested, I think that's hard to do.

[517] I think there's kind of something, like, even though you're not getting as much, there's something great about that.

[518] those series that make, like, a short season.

[519] Like, some of the HBO ones, you know, they don't do, like, a 22 episode thing.

[520] Right.

[521] And they can keep you, if their season is six, 12 episodes, you can stay much more hooked on what they're doing.

[522] And it raises the quality of those.

[523] Yeah.

[524] You know, but when you watch, like, a series, you know, if you're watching, like, they have 22 episodes seasons or sometimes more than that, like 40 episodes seasons for some shows.

[525] It's hard to keep that compelling.

[526] Forty, who has 40?

[527] I don't know.

[528] South Park maybe or something.

[529] But like, you know, like when you watch, did you watch, like, the original, I mean, it's not a drama, obviously, but the original office on HPO, those are six episodes.

[530] I never watched it.

[531] Did you watch it?

[532] I haven't watched any of the scene either.

[533] It's fantastic, man. It's amazing.

[534] It's real hard for me, for whatever reason, to watch comedies.

[535] Like, especially when I'm on my own.

[536] Like, I watch them with friends or, you know, I don't, like, sit down by myself.

[537] And, like, when I watch a movie, they're always almost always monster movies.

[538] I'm always watching, like, some werewolf movie or some, even shit.

[539] shitty ones.

[540] Like, I watched Stephen King's Night Flyer the other night.

[541] It's a terrible vampire movie, but I like it.

[542] It's fun.

[543] It's stupid.

[544] Yeah, I don't watch that many comedies.

[545] I don't watch comedies by myself.

[546] That one was given to me. If I'm alone, I'm watching, like, documentaries or, you know, or see it like that.

[547] If I'm going to watch something fiction, I want to be completely stupid.

[548] I've given up on, like, you know, R .T. Like, you told me about the Hurt Locker.

[549] Yeah.

[550] Yeah.

[551] I don't watch it?

[552] No. No. I keep like thinking about watching it.

[553] I'm like, Don't, I mean, no, actually, do.

[554] Just because I would like to see what you think about it.

[555] I just can't believe all these people are praising it.

[556] Dude, war movies freaking.

[557] It's a good movie.

[558] It's all right, but it's just like, mission to mission to mission and men.

[559] People love it, man. Some people love it.

[560] I saw Preciousy other day.

[561] Oh, how was it?

[562] It's hot, right?

[563] She's super hot.

[564] She's super hot.

[565] She can wrestle.

[566] She can fight.

[567] She's, it's, it's the, it's the, it's like, just, it's, the movie's basically, oh, this sucks by your life, and then this sucks.

[568] and this sucks and this sucks and then it ends with the worst thing ever and you're like cool this movie I don't like that feeling I hate that man you know people will tell you that you're not deep because you don't enjoy being depressed you don't enjoy I don't want to go somewhere if you're going to manipulate my feelings and I mean that's all you're really doing I guess some movies raise awareness for certain causes and some movies make you think about things a little bit different but I don't need to be depressed alright if I want to watch a documentary on something I'll watch it If you're going to make some shit up, make it fun for me, okay?

[569] Yeah, I know.

[570] You know?

[571] I like, I like, fucking, I like vampires.

[572] I like werewolves and shit.

[573] I'm looking forward to Benicio del Toro this weekend, The Wolfman.

[574] Yeah, yeah.

[575] I'm looking forward to.

[576] I like, I like, shit that's fun.

[577] You don't have to depress me with child molestation and abuse and, you know, drug addiction.

[578] I don't need to say that.

[579] I don't like the idea that we have to reward something that really does depress you just because it depressed you.

[580] This movie is awesome It'll depress the shit out of you And then when it does, you have to go, you're right, that was awesome Why is that awesome?

[581] And yeah, yeah, what is that?

[582] What is that?

[583] Why are those the better ones?

[584] How come the ones that make you laugh are like, oh, that's no big deal?

[585] It's only making you laugh.

[586] But the ones that make you feel like shit?

[587] Yeah.

[588] Like I remember I saw 21 grams, we were talking about this once.

[589] When I saw 21 grams, it's this fucking movie where at the end of the movie, I'm like, I don't want to go to one of these movies ever again.

[590] This movie made me feel like shit.

[591] Was it well done?

[592] Yes, it was well done.

[593] But why is seeing that good?

[594] Right.

[595] Why is even...

[596] I know that that shit happens in real life.

[597] You know, I'd watch documentaries.

[598] That's where I'm going to get my real life from.

[599] If I want to get a movie, I don't want to be depressed.

[600] I want to have some fun.

[601] I go to movies.

[602] I got plenty of things going on in my own life.

[603] You know?

[604] I want to escape in a good way.

[605] I want to escape and have some fun.

[606] I want escape and see some silly shit.

[607] You know, I want to escape and see some silly shit.

[608] something fun.

[609] I don't want to get depressed about heroin addicts and ugh.

[610] I know.

[611] I know that's real.

[612] I don't care.

[613] You can't fix that.

[614] 500 days of summer was another really popular movie but it was just the same thing.

[615] It's not on the plane.

[616] Yeah, it was a...

[617] It's like bummer after bummer after...

[618] What is that big, that chick movie that is the number one movie now?

[619] Dear John.

[620] From the notebook maker.

[621] Yeah.

[622] That's number one?

[623] Yeah.

[624] I heard it was just, yeah.

[625] That's a pretty goddamn good looking couple those two should go right into porn why are you fucking around you know they should have a oh that's that's going to be what happens one day they're going to have two versions of the movie they're going to have the cinematic version and the porn someone's going to go crazy and then they're going to make like an avatar with porn and that's going to be an option you can get the family friendly G rated PG version where there's no fucking or you can get the full -on X where when and then they're not fucking like just for just so that you could beat off to it.

[626] It's not like, you know, like a bunch of scenes like a compilation tape.

[627] No, there's a story and then the story they fuck and you're going to get to see it.

[628] That's going to be a possible.

[629] The first couple, like these Dear John couple, it's going to be some real attractive couple.

[630] They're going to do it.

[631] They're going to make it.

[632] It's art. It's going to be 3D2.

[633] It's the real, I was living that life.

[634] He was my John.

[635] He went away.

[636] He came back.

[637] We made love.

[638] I loved him.

[639] I was in the role.

[640] And then they're going to have like badass.

[641] That'll be a great funny movie to see.

[642] But the rest of it is like still a really good movie.

[643] 3D sperm.

[644] Yeah, it's going to be in 3D.

[645] No. Shooting at you.

[646] You shoot it inside or if you love her, bro.

[647] How dare you?

[648] You got to make it rain.

[649] No, no, no. This is not a porno for you to jerk off to.

[650] This is love, you fucking asshole.

[651] You ruin everything.

[652] Yeah, man. Ruin everything, dude.

[653] Talking about Avatar porn, the love version.

[654] How dare you, Brian?

[655] How fucking dare you?

[656] That's what I have to say to you.

[657] Now, let's say if, because I never go to these goddamn questions, let's see if there's 500 days of summer was good, yeah, but it was also, like, the most depressing movie.

[658] It was like, why are we watching this?

[659] What is 500 Days of Summer?

[660] It's some chick flick that I was forced to watch.

[661] Hold on, let me shut this door.

[662] 3D Playboy's what coming?

[663] Actually, Playboy's not coming anywhere.

[664] I didn't Playboys, I bet on the way out.

[665] Just watching that Playboy reality show, you can just tell they're hurting from money.

[666] They have a show?

[667] Did you hear there was a story in the paper about that, that the stockholders are mad, had Mr. Heffner because Mr. Hefner apparently is he doesn't want to sell the company and even though there's been a couple of good offers to sell the company he hasn't accepted them and he just wants to take it to his grave Yeah and why shouldn't he Why I mean if that's what he can do Why wouldn't he do that?

[668] He knows the end is near Of course He's got a few years left What is he doing?

[669] He's going out having a good time It's like Fred Flintstone He'll make your bedrock Why is it?

[670] How dare you Brian How dare you?

[671] That was so terrible.

[672] Brian, I wish I had a rock.

[673] That was terrible.

[674] You know, that whole Hugh Hefner thing is such a weird thing, man. You know, that one dude figured out a way how to make, like, pornography acceptable.

[675] It really is, right?

[676] Don't show their pussies.

[677] Show everything else.

[678] Don't show, don't get crazy, you know, have her bent over, and you can see, like, a little lip.

[679] But nothing, no finger spread, no, like, no, you know, both -hand -pussy shun.

[680] I can't you just, why can't you show the pussy?

[681] Why can't you show?

[682] Like a girl with her legs pulled back, like looking at you, showing her, why is it okay if I can only see part of it?

[683] You know, is it the inner part evil?

[684] Like, what do you hiding from me?

[685] There's danger in there.

[686] Look at Tara Reid in that last episode, or issue of Playboy.

[687] We got it, dude.

[688] Yeah, it was just like what?

[689] It was Avatar.

[690] It was some bad boobs.

[691] No, it was Avatar.

[692] It wasn't even her.

[693] Yeah, it was like airbrushed boobs.

[694] Dude, it wasn't even airbrushed.

[695] It was Avatar.

[696] But why would you pay money for that?

[697] That's what I'm saying.

[698] Why didn't we pay money?

[699] Why is that business?

[700] It's still in business.

[701] Well, we were stoned, and we were at the hotel.

[702] No, I'm saying, well, why would people buy that?

[703] Because people are idiots.

[704] Oh, I see that tab.

[705] I read.

[706] I'm with your tits.

[707] And they buy it.

[708] I mean, or the articles.

[709] That's the other argument, is that they have good articles.

[710] But I don't know if they have good articles.

[711] I think that's just like an urban myth.

[712] Is it?

[713] Well, at one point in time, they had good articles.

[714] I know that because there was a book that I bought a long time ago.

[715] It was a bunch of interviews with a Playboy interviews.

[716] And it was really fascinating.

[717] And one of them was Sinatra.

[718] And I never realized Sinatra was so fucking smart.

[719] Sinatra was, like, really smart.

[720] And I found out this from this book of Playboy interviews.

[721] It was pretty fascinating.

[722] But it was more really about what Sinatra had to say than it was about the guy interviewing him.

[723] I remember my first dirty joke was from a Playboy magazine in the 70s.

[724] Oh, you're silly ghost.

[725] What was it?

[726] Why is a girl's asshole and pussy so close together?

[727] Why can pick them up like a six -pack?

[728] Oh.

[729] Jesus, that was in Playboy In like 1878 or something Why do you grass is like to pick somebody up That's painful I just think about fingernails scraping inside body parts Holding up for that's just rude Why would you want to pick them up like that?

[730] That shit is rude Brian How dare you Wait so was Terry not naked in this?

[731] She was basically naked And she was like She doesn't have any ass Her ass was on a witness protection program Her ass was nowhere to be seen Her ass Well except for that one was she's sitting on the table like trying to squish her butt to make it look like she has an ass?

[732] Yeah, but I wasn't buying it.

[733] It's so funny.

[734] That's okay.

[735] Eddie Bravo showed me that move.

[736] Well, that's a famous move when they don't have an ass.

[737] You've got to sit on the table.

[738] Yeah, we were talking about that.

[739] It's hilarious.

[740] Yeah, man, I mean, it's like, you know, a certain point in time.

[741] You know, what are you really showing me?

[742] That's not really a picture of someone.

[743] It's not really what they look like.

[744] I've seen what she looks like.

[745] That's not what she looks like.

[746] Why does she look like that?

[747] our face.

[748] Is it like a knife, is it really not her body in the face?

[749] I mean, it's her body, but it's so airbrushed.

[750] It's crazy.

[751] It's like skin doesn't look like that.

[752] It's pores.

[753] It's not like, you know, apparently like she got in shape and she got her act together and that's why she wanted to do this.

[754] That's what I heard.

[755] I totally understand that.

[756] But you're, who really wants to see that?

[757] Who really wants to see like fake stuff?

[758] I would way rather see a girl who doesn't look that hot, but she's real.

[759] Like I can see her skin.

[760] That's like hotter.

[761] You know, a girl that even that isn't in that good of shape, but she gave out a little roll of fat, but you see her real skin, you know what I'm saying?

[762] That's hot.

[763] Like, that airbrush shit is not even a little hot.

[764] There's nothing hot to it.

[765] You can't, you can't get past the lie you're being told.

[766] It's like, the lie is so great that you're looking at it, you're like, what am I even seeing?

[767] I'm not even getting anything from this.

[768] You know, it's like, it's like fake fire.

[769] Like, I don't feel the heat.

[770] There's nothing there.

[771] You know, and that's what it's like.

[772] It's just, they're fucking lost.

[773] It really does nothing for you, too.

[774] Like, when you see that, it just it loses its effect you know like seeing the person and it's like how can Playboy still be in business also because like people look at that and then we go oh let's see what this looks like see what her photos look like and they'll look at it at the store and be like ooh I'm not buying that how are you people still buying it well they have a big piece of plastic around the magazine where you can't do that it won't let you look at it if you look at it no one's gonna buy it there's always one issue that's like who can they know there's always one asshole like you have you ever done that I'd be honest.

[775] No, I actually, I've never done it.

[776] I've never done that.

[777] I think when I was a kid, I used to do it to take, like, a bonus video game that they would put in the game, game magazines.

[778] You know, I never...

[779] I keep telling people that I'm going to answer their questions on my own forum, and I never do.

[780] So I'm going to go to that right now just to check it out.

[781] Because every now and then, somebody will have a good question.

[782] You guys are going Australia next week.

[783] Yeah.

[784] Did you like your Goatsy Flyer?

[785] I made?

[786] Did you even know there's a goat sea on that fire?

[787] No. I'm a crocodile Dundee.

[788] Oh, is it really?

[789] It goes down and there's a little goat see on the pot.

[790] Ew, how dare you?

[791] A lot of these questions suck.

[792] No, they don't suck.

[793] It's just a little too stone to be reading.

[794] Would you ever a desire to be a porn star Joe?

[795] Desire to be a porn star?

[796] Desire to be a porn star?

[797] No. I don't want anybody to look at my penis.

[798] I get very insecure.

[799] I just, I don't want to think that you're thinking of me either.

[800] Do you Tom?

[801] If the money was right, would you ever do porn?

[802] Nobody would want to see that ever.

[803] I would like to see it.

[804] I mean...

[805] Somebody would look to see it.

[806] What?

[807] I wouldn't charge you.

[808] All right, that's a wrap, ladies and gentlemen.

[809] Thanks.

[810] We've had a good show.

[811] We're going to get with each other.

[812] Have you, Brian?

[813] Everyone's thought about it at one.

[814] You know what's...

[815] What's it like to do that?

[816] Yeah.

[817] I met a lot of gay porn.

[818] Gay porn stars?

[819] I met a lot of dudes.

[820] I met a lot of dudes who...

[821] I don't think I've ever met a gay porn.

[822] cornstorm.

[823] When webcams first started becoming big, I had sex with this girl on a webcam.

[824] And this was before like when it was brand new.

[825] And I had it, I remember it was like 40 people.

[826] What year was this?

[827] What year?

[828] We could Google it.

[829] It was like 95, 96.

[830] But I, like, that's what all these rooms were just, you know what's sex.

[831] Something like that, 95, 96.

[832] Really?

[833] So it was like 56K in your streaming?

[834] It wasn't, it was probably faster than 56K by then.

[835] I think it was like first broadband.

[836] But I remember having sex with this girl and I was more just so I could have How many people watched it?

[837] I think there was like 50 people in there But I remember I was like doing the camera and everything I never thought like anyone would be able to record it Or you never thought it would have gotten this crazy Like what that was back then We had such a feeling of innocence back then Oh yeah, it was so innocent back then I would never do it now Just think about just the feeling of connection that you have with human beings now Just because of Twitter Just because of shit like you stream Just because of shit like this The connection that we have now is nothing like it was back then.

[838] It's really hard to imagine that that was only like 14 years ago.

[839] It seems like it was like, that seems like a long jump in in human evolution as far as like, you know, our culture, our technology.

[840] It's a pretty big goddamn jump.

[841] Yeah.

[842] You know?

[843] I'm this guy doing ever...

[844] Just shit like this.

[845] You can just do something like this.

[846] Just put it on this little social media site and all these people watch it and people download it later and watch it later.

[847] Yeah, that's incredible.

[848] It's really, really nice.

[849] I just can't, can't get over that you had a webcam in 95.

[850] He was the original geek, man. He's old school, bro.

[851] He's old school.

[852] How big was a webcam then?

[853] It was pretty big.

[854] It actually was a logitech, and I think it was like about that big.

[855] It was this huge...

[856] The Logitech, I. Yeah, it was something like that, yeah.

[857] Wow.

[858] Yeah.

[859] Dude, I had a T1 line in my house in 98.

[860] Bam.

[861] Yeah, I had to get a T1 line installed in my house because I needed fast internet.

[862] Here's how funny they didn't know about technology when AOL first came out with instant messaging where you could type to your friends kind of like text messaging they used to have a guy's voice that'd be like, instant message every time you got a message.

[863] So I'd be like, oh hi, how's it going?

[864] Hi, nice to see you.

[865] Send, and then be like instant message.

[866] Every single word.

[867] And I remember like the first couple months it was okay, you know?

[868] But then it got to the point, it was like, it's, ins, ins, it was like no way to turn it off.

[869] I learned how to type vast from typing in the, like IRC when we were playing Quake and playing Quake too, learn how type fast.

[870] Because, you know, you're typing in real time and having our conversations in real time.

[871] Right.

[872] You know, eventually that's just going to be straight speech to text.

[873] Yeah.

[874] Or just straight speech.

[875] But the problem with straight speech is that everybody would be talking over by everybody else.

[876] Well, that's, I mean, like Xbox Live, that's how it is.

[877] You sit there with like 30 people and people are like, well, I'm going to kill that bitch, me. It's like, it's great.

[878] It's like a party chat with a bunch of retards.

[879] Well, that's how it is.

[880] You know, Quake, Quake is not like that.

[881] Quake, at least Quake, maybe the new ones will be like that, but they don't have voice over.

[882] And I think one of the reasons is because it would eat up more bandwidth.

[883] It would probably make the game slower.

[884] Does it make the game slower?

[885] Well, back then that would think so, but nowadays you have 20 megabytes.

[886] Right, but your upsides are like one and a half.

[887] Your upsides is two megabytes or whatever.

[888] That's still way more than.

[889] Yeah, but if Quake, every goddamn millisecond, a ping counts.

[890] Yeah, but voice is like 128.

[891] this is geek talk ladies and gentlemen is that a game with everybody talking about yeah is that like a lot of people it's like well some games are at like 30 people in a room and you can talk to each other yeah yeah well whoever's on your team right with everybody talks Brian do you play Xbox Live I don't play Xbox Live I used to have a real problem with Quake I used to play Quake like eight hours a day so I've been um I played Quake 2 I started out with Quake 2 but I actually like Quake 1 better but then nobody was playing Quake 1 and then we played Quake 3 when Quake 3 came out, that was probably the most fun one to play.

[892] That was the heyday.

[893] The Quake 3, because Quake 3 was more complicated graphically and looked cooler.

[894] It was a combination of one and two.

[895] Those fucking games are so goddamn addictive.

[896] Because you're playing live.

[897] You log on.

[898] If you never played Quake before, you log on, you have all your settings and your computer for like, you know, your mouse speed and all this jazz, you get comfortable with it.

[899] And then you log on and you jump into a fucking three -dimensional world where you have earphones.

[900] Okay, and in these earphones, you hear sounds.

[901] to the right that means someone's to your right dudes are shooting at you rocket launchers and fucking lightning guns and it's a dark fucking hallway you're running down and dudes are hiding and they're fucking blasting you it's fun as fuck it's so fun I'm so surprised that you're not you're into that but you're not into something like modern warfare too oh it's not that I wouldn't be into it I would love to do it the problem is I don't want to get addicted to anything I had a real problem getting addicted to quake I'm sure it's incredible it's something like even though you'd get addicted to it you'd probably get addicted to it but it's so amazing I don't have any time man I don't want to do that I don't want to waste my time at games Was Quakeet Really?

[902] Is it through a game system or was it?

[903] No it's a for your PC For your PC Yeah you You know it's just You had to have a real good graphics card I don't have to play it with all the fancy shit on All the lights But you could play it in a decent Where it would look decent You know if your computer wasn't as good But if you had a good computer And a good video card Oh my God It's staggering in high resolution dudes would explode you rail gun them and their body explodes and a spray of blood it's fucking spectacular lightning bolts are flying through the air and the shadows the fucking lightning bolts create shadows and the walls and shit it's badass but modern warfare too you're in something that really looks exactly like LAX you're sitting there's fucking plowing people down and there's just I mean you're fucking out of Starbucks there's fucking little mugs that you can break and see I would rather be a space PlayStation or Xbox?

[904] It's PC, Xbox.

[905] I think it's everything.

[906] Everything?

[907] The thing I like about Quake is it doesn't even seem remotely real.

[908] You know, your rocket launching.

[909] You could rocket jump.

[910] Where you take your rocket launcher and you put it at the ground and jump at the same time and you go flying through the air.

[911] That was my favorite shit to do.

[912] That was my favorite shit to do.

[913] I would rocket jump the fuck.

[914] It was so much fun.

[915] Did you do Halo?

[916] No. I played Halo for a little bit, but again, I don't want to get addicted to it.

[917] I never got too much into Halo.

[918] It's all right.

[919] But Modern War, too.

[920] It's just fucking...

[921] You can't beat that.

[922] This guy says call of duty is way too slow.

[923] That's what I like about Quake.

[924] It's so goddamn fast.

[925] It's nothing like real physics.

[926] Like when you're walking down the hallway?

[927] You know how you're running?

[928] You know, if you were running down a hallway, it would be like this.

[929] When Quake, it's like...

[930] You're flying.

[931] Sorry, Cat.

[932] Sorry, cat.

[933] You can fucking run.

[934] I mean, you can fly through the air, man. Dudes are flying and jumping left and right.

[935] See, to me, that's just like Twitch gaming.

[936] It's just like...

[937] Yeah.

[938] fuck's going on fucking fun man it's fun I like it realistic you're going into this rule like you're going into avatar world and then you're just you think you're playing through this LAX you know right and then I come in with my rocket launcher and fuck you right in the ass you're getting stupid he jumps over you with a dude from Quake there would be no competition if he fought a dude from modern duty call of warfare whatever the fuck you're watching whatever games these are you can take a quake space marine and have a fight one of these dudes the space marine can take a Shots, bro.

[939] They have like 150, you know, life points.

[940] You can't just kill him with one bullet and he's going to rocket launch you in the fucking head and you're going to explode.

[941] That game is dumb.

[942] The Quake game's more fun.

[943] They're more durable.

[944] They have more abilities.

[945] Their weapons are way crazier.

[946] The physics are like, like they're not even on this planet.

[947] It's like they're running across the moon.

[948] You're talking about an old school game that's so outdated right now.

[949] How dare you?

[950] How dare you say it's outdated?

[951] Quake will never die.

[952] How How dare you?

[953] Quake will never die.

[954] Quake 4 is not outdated graphically.

[955] That's not outdated.

[956] Oh, yeah.

[957] Compared to today's games, it's way outdated.

[958] Is it really?

[959] Quake 4?

[960] Oh, it's way outdated compared to today's games.

[961] John Carmack.

[962] My brother, please, I'm sorry.

[963] Forgive him for he knows not what he says.

[964] No, I mean, graphic -wise.

[965] Really?

[966] It's way on -dust.

[967] I don't know.

[968] You could be right.

[969] I was watching the aliens and predator demo that they showed.

[970] The last UFC was sponsored by aliens and predators, the video game.

[971] Holy shit, that looks good.

[972] Yeah, but see, even that's, like, not considered...

[973] Not top of the shelf?

[974] No. God damn, the graphics are incredible.

[975] Yeah, I was so good.

[976] I remember when you used to, like, when anybody used to be able to tell what was the most advanced shit.

[977] You know, like, I'm saying, like, an amateur doesn't really know what's going on.

[978] You'd see something to be like, oh, that's definitely the newest, clearly.

[979] But now the levels of it, it's too advanced where, like, I'm not an expert, but I'm not, like, somebody who's never seen video games.

[980] I can't tell at all.

[981] The differences?

[982] I can't tell, like, I'll see something.

[983] I'll be like, that looks at it.

[984] amazing and something like that's 05s like really yeah the UFC game that we're working out you're turning into a parent you know basically that's a great I'm not letting go of my child child in me I got to make sure I'm up with all the shit when we went to work for the UFC on the video game when they showed us the video game the first time they showed us the video game was Chuck Lel versus Rampage and for one second I looked at it and I don't remember this footage like I thought it was a fight for one second I thought it was a fight I'm like I've never seen the fight for Miss Engel I was thinking that to myself and then went oh shit this is the game and then once they start moving I mean you can pretty much tell it's a video game but it was so much better than I expected it to be and that was a couple years ago right yeah they're gonna have some shit that looks just like like a CGI movie you know some of the new games almost really look real like it's incredible what is like what right now is the newest the most amazing shit.

[985] Mass Effect 2 is pretty badass, but...

[986] Is that like a fighting?

[987] That's like a role -playing type fighting game.

[988] But the one for PS3 that just came out, Uncharted 2, Drake's Fortune.

[989] That is like watching, being in a movie pretty much.

[990] Really?

[991] Now, if you look at like Avatar, what they did with the avatars, they took the actors, and the actors made all the faces, and then they put it through a computer and then created these blue people.

[992] They're probably going to start doing that with video games.

[993] They already do that with video games.

[994] most video games.

[995] No, but not like the way they're doing with Avatar.

[996] Not to the, probably the level that maybe Avatar did, but some of the games...

[997] They map out the facial features and everything.

[998] That's what it started from.

[999] It started, I think, from video games.

[1000] I just played the Tiger Woods Golf 10.

[1001] But that's going to be creepy.

[1002] Yeah.

[1003] Like when they cut to like the him...

[1004] His face.

[1005] Yeah, and then they make, they like, if you have a bad shot, then he goes, like, they have his voice layered into it, obviously.

[1006] Right.

[1007] So he actually makes a face.

[1008] He goes like, and you're like it looks like the dude right there it freaks you out you know like you see the sweat dripping off of them and everything I feel bad for that dude there's very few people that I feel bad for in public scandals that are outside of like death very few people I feel bad for him I feel bad for him because I think the dude got drowned on he got poured on more than any guy in the history of the free world there's so many white people that want him out of golf because he's just destroying the sport because he's pretty much just you can't beat tiger you know so there's so many people that are attacking he knows that he's got so much money he's at home fucking washing his face with money and pussy and so you know he's not at home right now he's in a sex addiction he's out of that when did he get out of that uh two days ago so you don't think that that was like painful to him to have this all all those people hate non i don't think so i mean sure i think it's going to be crazy dude his whole life was based on his image his image was all so they sold it to giant corporations it was so squeaking clean.

[1009] I think the main thing he's mad about is his wife finding out and all that, stuff like that.

[1010] But I think if you got in trouble or if you got all this attention for something as being a pimp, I don't think you're going to be like, oh, damn, I slip with a bunch of people now.

[1011] Everybody knows.

[1012] That sucks for my wife.

[1013] I think it was very painful.

[1014] I think you're wrong.

[1015] I think you're very much idealizing and not putting a human being in that situation.

[1016] You put a human being in that situation.

[1017] No, no. I mean, sure, it sucks, but, I mean, he didn't.

[1018] He's never had any negative press ever.

[1019] He's going to jump back from this so fast.

[1020] He's going to be retarded.

[1021] Well, he'll definitely jump back.

[1022] You know golf wants him back more than anything, though, right?

[1023] He's the best thing for golf, though.

[1024] Yeah, well, I think he is to a point, but I don't, every, he wins everything.

[1025] But I'm saying, like, he doesn't win everything.

[1026] He doesn't win everything.

[1027] I mean, he's the best golfer ever, but there's guys that beat him.

[1028] Golf needs him at crazy.

[1029] He's the superstar.

[1030] I don't know anything about golf.

[1031] Tell me this.

[1032] Does he lose?

[1033] I mean, what percentage of those things does he win?

[1034] And he usually kills.

[1035] I mean, he's, he plays his best at the highest stake term, but he does phenomenal.

[1036] I don't know the exact number.

[1037] But he does lose though, he loses.

[1038] Right, but he's the most, he wins more than any of the rest.

[1039] Oh, he wins way more than he ever loses.

[1040] Yeah, but I mean.

[1041] He wins more than he loses?

[1042] Way more.

[1043] Really?

[1044] Way more than any.

[1045] I don't know the exact numbers.

[1046] He loses tournaments all the time, though, man. He doesn't win a tournament.

[1047] But he wins way more than any more.

[1048] Well, even in pool, even in pool, the very best guys don't always win.

[1049] You know, in pool, especially, uh, pool's tricky.

[1050] Like, they play, like, race to 10, race to 11.

[1051] Like, to find out, like, which guys better, you really have to play, like, a race to 100.

[1052] you know it's like then then the stronger player their their definite strengths will will overcome and like whenever you see like like real good guys match up they match up for a lot of mine this is a website called the action report dot com I love watching guys gamble on pool so like one of my favorite things to watch because I grew up playing pool so watching these guys in the action report dot com they'll set these dudes up and they'll play for like two or three days and they have like a race to a hundred and they'll you know they'll bet like $20 ,000 and you know for these dudes That's a lot of fucking money, man. And they play it out, and it's very exciting, man. If you like pool, but if you don't like pool, it's deaf.

[1053] What is the, yeah, what is the, what is the cycle?

[1054] It's called the Action Report, the Action Report .com.

[1055] It's all gambling on pool.

[1056] Super cool guys, too.

[1057] They banked all their money into putting together matches.

[1058] And they, it's all legal because it's really like a two -man tournament.

[1059] You know, you call it gambling, but it's not, they've set it up as a tournament.

[1060] It's just a tournament with two guys in it.

[1061] And they put their entry fee in, and they play for the entry -frey.

[1062] Different places, different pool halls, different, you know, different places.

[1063] $20 ,000.

[1064] Yeah, and they sanction it as a tournament, you know.

[1065] And, you know, that way it's all totally legal.

[1066] Like, you can play pool in tournaments.

[1067] Everybody puts in, you know, $100, $500, whatever the entry fee is.

[1068] They pool all that money together and they give it to the winner.

[1069] I mean, it really is a form of, it's just like gambling, you know.

[1070] I mean, you have to report that money.

[1071] I have friends that make a living doing that.

[1072] Max Heberley, he makes a living, playing in pool tournaments, you know?

[1073] Max Heberley just won $3 ,000 playing up in San Francisco.

[1074] I was playing a big one in L .A. this has got to be boring as fuck for people.

[1075] Johnny Boy 0510 says Tiger banged those chicks for one reason.

[1076] He could.

[1077] Definitely.

[1078] I definitely think that's the case.

[1079] I mean, I think the truth is most people that looked like that dude, that grew up the way that guy did, and that lived in that guy's situation, would probably be just as nuts as he is and probably fucked just.

[1080] just as many of the girls if he fucked.

[1081] Probably.

[1082] You'd go crazy.

[1083] He's an amazing athlete, right?

[1084] An amazing game player.

[1085] Amazing at golf.

[1086] Amazing, right?

[1087] A very intricate, difficult, complicated game.

[1088] If he's obsessed with things like that, for sure, if that guy is that good that he's better than all these other people that are obsessed with the game too, for sure, that guy's nuts.

[1089] You know, you almost have to be to be that good at something.

[1090] You have to have a level of concentration.

[1091] You have to have a level of a level of obsession that for sure is going to bleed over into other areas of your life, into your relationships, you know?

[1092] A guy who's a fanatic, you know, is obsessed with working out might also be obsessed with fucking, you know, or might also be obsessed with gambling.

[1093] You know, I mean, a lot of pro athletes have like big, big gambling problems, a lot of them.

[1094] And it's the same thing.

[1095] It's that obsession with competition, you know, the trying to win, trying to get it, you know, that same mindset, transfers over to everything, transfers over to how you approach arguments, you You know, how you learn, you know, whether or not you're, you know, you're honest with yourself.

[1096] It's a guy's, he's got to be nuts.

[1097] Anybody who's the, like, the best at whatever thing, I think is nuts.

[1098] And to, I mean, not a bad nuts.

[1099] Not like we're criticizing people for being amazing.

[1100] We're just saying that almost everybody who's, like, you know, you get to, like, you know, the highest levels of any sports, there's something about those dudes.

[1101] Like, okay, here's a perfect example.

[1102] The, everybody thinks the best heavyweight is this guy, this Russian guy, Fado, Emilienenko.

[1103] and what he's most known for.

[1104] And, you know, you talk to a lot of people, they'll say he's the best pound -for -pound fighter in the world.

[1105] I think it's probably Anderson Silva, but I could see the argument for it being him.

[1106] I think GSP and BJ Penn are more likely, because I think they're facing, well, it's a tough argument.

[1107] You know, he doesn't have the best competition over there because he's kind of in a situation where the best guys are fighting in the UFC.

[1108] So the guys that he's fighting, they're not really totally on his level or they used to be, and now they've slid off a little bit.

[1109] But he's known for this insane mindset, he's known for his ability to just like overcome anything and be super calm like while he's doing it you know that like he's in this like zone he has no it doesn't make any facial expressions you know nothing yeah do you think do you think he's the best though or no he's one of the best for sure but there's something about that the ability to go to war with somebody with like a dead face like dead calm like for sure there's a discipline to it and for sure it's something that he's learned over time but also he might be crazy as fuck.

[1110] How about that?

[1111] How about he might be fucking crazy you know?

[1112] I mean he might be so smart and so into you know winning and and beating dudes at fighting and so capable of crossing boundaries that others aren't willing to cross that he might just be insane.

[1113] That might be why he doesn't even get angry while he's doing it.

[1114] He beats the fuck out of everybody and then he's super sweet it draws like cartoons for his daughters and shit.

[1115] Yeah I think that probably the most, the most vicious guys in business, too, have the same mentality.

[1116] Like, the guys that take over companies and, like, you know, like, they have, like, whoever probably runs Google is probably, like, somebody who's obsessive and has, like, a killed mentality.

[1117] Well, definitely CEOs for corporations.

[1118] I mean, they're, they're, like, hit men.

[1119] You know?

[1120] That new show, what a great idea for a show, by the way, where they take CEOs of big companies, and then they go undercover and work for the company.

[1121] like that guy from Hooters is going to be the, like, go to all these restaurants and act like he's a fry cook and he's going to work and he's just going to check out everything and, and dude, it's awesome.

[1122] This is an undercover show?

[1123] Yeah, it's where they take the CEO of real companies and they put them in the company.

[1124] It's called Undercover Boss.

[1125] Yeah, Undercover Boss.

[1126] That's hilarious.

[1127] What a great idea.

[1128] It was great.

[1129] That first episode was like waste management.

[1130] The biggest waste management company ever.

[1131] It's called WM or W. Waste Management.

[1132] And he went down, he was like shoveling shit out of fucking trolley or shit and stuff and everything.

[1133] Did they know that he was that guy?

[1134] No, no idea.

[1135] I just thought it was a regular work.

[1136] And then he came back and all the guys that were great work and stuff, they gave him raises, gave them promotions and it fixed everything they were bitching about.

[1137] They actually are trying to figure out what's...

[1138] That's awesome.

[1139] What does it call here?

[1140] Undercover Boss, it's on CBS on Sundays on Sundays.

[1141] What a great idea.

[1142] It was really good actually.

[1143] That's what really what's wrong with people, man. What's really wrong with like harshness and people being insensitive to other people, people that work for them is that they don't have to live a day in their lives you know you don't have to if you did you would you would be you know much kinder you know it's so easy to look at like people that are like starving in foreign countries and you know and all the fucking crazy shit that's going on in Liberia and all these different parts of the world that are in constant chaos and turmoil and starvation and you don't you don't feel it because it doesn't affect you because on a day to day basis doesn't affect you but if you had to go over there and live like that just for one week live like they lived my god you know we would realize i can't wait to see this hooters one because i guess it's just like a bunch of managers totally like making the chicks do a bunch of shit they're not supposed to do and stuff like i heard it's bad yeah like sexual shit well no in the trailer the guy goes the manager's like yeah i want to go home early today up to all those little hooters girls and they're like yeah he's like you got to play my reindeer games and then he's making them eat out of plates with no hands like beans so they're like pigs eating out of a trough just so they're like pigs eating out of a trough The CEO of the company is watching.

[1144] He can't say anything because he's playing undercover.

[1145] He's like he's a fucking bus boy or something.

[1146] Oh my God.

[1147] It's so great.

[1148] Yeah, he's like the manager's a real pig that he...

[1149] God.

[1150] Wow, that's amazing.

[1151] That's going to be amazing.

[1152] Yeah, there's some douchebags out there.

[1153] Oh, I got it.

[1154] Could you imagine, like, why would you want to work at a place like that?

[1155] You'd want to work at a place like that if you're something, well, Unless it's a good job.

[1156] You know, if you're like a bar manager type dude and they offer you a good job to work it.

[1157] I don't know what Hooters pays.

[1158] I mean, maybe they play really well.

[1159] But, you know, that's a weird place to go into in the first place.

[1160] It's like you want to go to a strip club, but not really.

[1161] And, you know, you might be with your girlfriend.

[1162] And she'll look, come on, it'll be fun.

[1163] You want chicken.

[1164] Have you heard that the obsession of chicken at the same time?

[1165] You know the place on Hollywood and Highlands.

[1166] A new sports club is just open where all the girls are dressed up as like school girls?

[1167] What?

[1168] No. Yeah, they're all dressed up as schoolgirls.

[1169] Did you tell us about this?

[1170] I feel like somebody told me about this.

[1171] There's the thing, man, even if you, like, even if the idea of that is, like, cool to you, when you go, if you go somewhere like that, you're going to be like, I feel like an asshole.

[1172] You know what I mean?

[1173] Like, having, at a bar where they're dressed as school girls, you're not going to feel cool about that.

[1174] I had an idea once for a pizza place called pizza sluts, where it's all pizza delivered by girls and bikinis.

[1175] Pizza sluts Pizza sluts Yeah I wanted to put it on sunset And have like super hot chicks You pay them like $50 an hour And they walk around And you know And tips And they get tips And they walk around A bikini serve a pizza That's great idea You should do that Listen it's out there You can have it Whoever wants it Just let me have a free piece of pizza And it's all yours No man I get I don't want to open up Any kind of business People will come up to me With business ideas I'm like, just stop talking right now.

[1176] The best is you get on script ideas all the time.

[1177] Remember that one dude that's like a UFC script?

[1178] You know, it's a company age.

[1179] Yeah, and they get mad, and if I won't read it.

[1180] And I go, listen, man, I don't have the time to read 90 pages of your shit.

[1181] I'm not an agent and I'm not acting.

[1182] So I'm not going to read it.

[1183] They get mad.

[1184] Give me a chance, man. Somebody gave you a chance.

[1185] I'm like, whoa, dude, you're asking for an hour and a half of my time.

[1186] It's going to take me 90 minutes to read this stupid thing.

[1187] And I don't even know you and I don't want to act.

[1188] So what the fuck is the point of this?

[1189] Yeah.

[1190] Everybody wants someone else.

[1191] to help them everybody wants someone else to get get you know get them in the in the door in hollywood the crazy thing is i'm not even in the door in hollywood i barely exist in this world i uh i do the commentary for the ufc which is totally outside of hollywood that's sports i'm a fucking sports broadcaster you know and then stand -up comedy both of them are totally outside so how am i going to help you get a movie started right what am i doing you know when was the last time i i acted in that kevin james thing that's the only movie i've ever I did two other movies, and no one ever saw them.

[1192] One of them, I don't think it ever came out.

[1193] Maybe it came out like five years after we did.

[1194] It was terrible.

[1195] It's called Venus and Vegas, and another one, I forget with it, Frank McCluskey, C .I. It could have been really funny, but the CEOs, or whoever the fuck they were, the producers, these dude, I remember this dude in Cufflinks and it's fat Rolex, like this beautiful, expensive watch, and this really sweet cufflinks, and he had, what are those straps?

[1196] the fuck of those things called suspenders had suspenders on and this kid who is the lead of the movie is doing the scene and this guy's telling him don't do it like that do it like this like hey what are you guys doing he is giving line readings this dude was giving line readings to this kid this really funny comedian who was the lead in the movie I was like wow this thing is going to go right in the toilet so it was basically like all these people put all this money up to make this movie and then they wanted to have a say in it because the kid who was the lead in it was not that big of a name.

[1197] Right.

[1198] And they just fucked it up, man. It's fascinating to watch shit like that.

[1199] That's what makes you, like, really appreciate comedy.

[1200] You know, nobody can fuck our shit up.

[1201] You just, you write it.

[1202] You grow up, you're doing it, it's yours, you know?

[1203] I know it can tell you to do it this way.

[1204] Don't you appreciate that?

[1205] Of course, some clubs do that, though.

[1206] You get cuss.

[1207] Well, you have to work, though, sometimes.

[1208] What's that one that you said?

[1209] Oh, my God.

[1210] What's that called?

[1211] Where is it?

[1212] It's in Pennsylvania.

[1213] Pennsylvania?

[1214] Yeah.

[1215] It's, uh, they go.

[1216] Like, they're like, don't curse.

[1217] what's the place called juniors in what part of Pennsylvania Erie Erie?

[1218] Juniors and Erie They go No swearing No swearing They go don't Like whatever This is a clean show And you're like All right And then like In case you forgot Six more times Before you get up Hey man Don't forget And you're like No I heard you The first five times And then like after the show They're like But didn't you Suggest something Like did you make a joke About like tits or something you're like no somebody said you did you're like no I think I said something about like my I said it looks like I have a breast or something and they're like oh okay well you know just try not to lean so like don't even like do say something that's suggestive or could be perceived as you know and you get a speech about it and you're like wow for how much I get like 100 ,000 for like four shows damn man that's awesome for nine Not a lot.

[1219] How crazy is that?

[1220] They hire comics and want them to...

[1221] Well, I guess as long as the comic does that normally, as long as, like, you advertise yourself as doing a squeaky clean show, then I can understand that.

[1222] Well, you know, they're just...

[1223] They hired this guy, too.

[1224] Did they hire you under those circumstances or under that...

[1225] They hired me...

[1226] Asking, can he do...

[1227] Can he be clean?

[1228] Oh, okay, so you took the gig.

[1229] I took the gig.

[1230] I took the gig.

[1231] It still sucks, though.

[1232] It still wasn't fine.

[1233] There was a place that I'd do when I was starting out in Boston.

[1234] We had to do 20 minutes and I had to be squeaky clean.

[1235] I found It was interesting, but I was like, I'm not really accurately representing myself, though.

[1236] I feel like I'm faking it.

[1237] And it's not, and here's the thing.

[1238] I took it for work, to get the work.

[1239] But the whole week, at no part, is that fun.

[1240] Like, it's not fun to do this.

[1241] Not because you can't say a word you want to say, but because someone told you, like, restrict yourself, sense of yourself, like, so you just feel like you're not having fun.

[1242] And they're watching you.

[1243] Oh, yeah.

[1244] The whole deal about comedy is that comedy's got, the best, best comedy comes from, like, the loosest mind, When you're loose, you're not worried about shit.

[1245] You're not feeling, you know, thinking that you have to, you know, watch your step because someone's watching you and can't say certain things.

[1246] That's a fucking disaster.

[1247] Yeah.

[1248] And I asked the guy who runs it, I go, well, does you ever, like, have to fire somebody?

[1249] And he was like, oh, yeah.

[1250] Because I was like, because it has to backfire because they're really strict about it.

[1251] And they hired, you know, he's a comic, the black comic, who was on this last season of Curve Your Enthusiasm, You know what I'm talking about?

[1252] Yeah, yeah.

[1253] You know his name?

[1254] It's hilarious.

[1255] Yeah, really funny guy.

[1256] You know his name?

[1257] I remember his name.

[1258] Really funny guy.

[1259] Well, they hired him and they told him and he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1260] And then he got up there, according to the manager of the club was like, so then I said to this motherfucker.

[1261] I'm like, what the fuck?

[1262] I'm like, just, like, just, like, a hundred fucks in the first 10 minutes.

[1263] And they got offstage and they were like, what the fuck, man?

[1264] What the gosh?

[1265] And he was like, he was like, that's how I fucking talk.

[1266] And they're like, you got to, like, just fire him.

[1267] They're like, go home.

[1268] That's hilarious.

[1269] That's hilarious.

[1270] He was like, all right, he's just like.

[1271] What's his name?

[1272] God, he's really fucking great.

[1273] He lived with Larry, remember?

[1274] I haven't watched that show.

[1275] Uh, and he was also, uh, he's in Puditang.

[1276] Yeah.

[1277] What is the, if you look at Puditang, it would probably be...

[1278] What is, uh, the show?

[1279] Curb your enthusiasm.

[1280] Um, so yeah.

[1281] He has kind of like a, like a, it's like a stage name, right?

[1282] Like, it's, uh, it's not his real name.

[1283] I can't remember.

[1284] They're all the same to me. How dare you?

[1285] That's terrible.

[1286] How dare you?

[1287] That's not funny.

[1288] Ryan.

[1289] You're an asshole.

[1290] You're an asshole.

[1291] John Mayer told me it.

[1292] Um, well, they only show the, uh, the top five.

[1293] I stopped watching a while ago.

[1294] I don't know why.

[1295] Do you hear that dude died from the ice fishing show?

[1296] Yeah, yeah, a stroke.

[1297] Wait, will you go to IMDB?

[1298] IMD.

[1299] Yeah.

[1300] BD.

[1301] And do, uh, do Pooty Tang.

[1302] Some Phil Harris.

[1303] That sucks.

[1304] Yeah.

[1305] and all right if you go down that's crazy J .B. Smooth.

[1306] J .B. Smooth.

[1307] Oh, that dude's hilarious.

[1308] J .B. Smooth.

[1309] I worked with that dude when I was living in New York.

[1310] Oh, really?

[1311] Yeah, he was hilarious.

[1312] He was fucking funny.

[1313] We did, I got a funny story about him.

[1314] We did a college together once and this is when I was, I was dating this chick and she used to like to complain a lot and it would really get on my nerves and I would bring her to gags with me sometimes and she would like complain like as we were driving out there and I was just I'd get in a shitty frame of mind so we get to this college it's in the middle of nowhere it's really hard to get to New Jersey and I'm listening to this chick complaining and I'm like you know you gotta be positive like when you're negative around me all the time it makes me negative and then it's not fun to go on stage yeah you know I'm sorry you know I'm just expressing myself it's just so annoying so we sit down and they go well the opening act J .B. Smooth is lost so we're gonna we're gonna wait till gets here.

[1315] So why don't you sit down and just watch TV for a while.

[1316] Okay, okay, cool.

[1317] So I sit down and I watch this fucking documentary on the Malibu fires.

[1318] And there's all these people and there's these fucking kids and the kids are looking for their dog and they're walking around these burnt down buildings.

[1319] There's like skeletons of buildings.

[1320] They're like, Roscoe, Roscoe!

[1321] They're yelling out for their dog and this guy is fucking crying his eyes out.

[1322] This guy worked for the fire department because he was talking about how everything he ever had in his world all his life he worked towards building this house like this was a dream it took him you know 20 years to build it he built it by hand him and his brother and now it's done it's just wrecked it's gone everything's black and charred everywhere you look Roscoe where are you and I'm bummed down well J .B. Smooth obviously is not going to come here so we're just going to start the show now and you just you'll go up and I guess if he gets here he'll go after you I go okay okay okay I didn't know back then that you can't watch shit like that and just go on stage.

[1323] I would prepare myself.

[1324] Like now, if I was watching something on stage and it was starting to bum me out, I would have to get out of the room.

[1325] I'm like, I'm not going to put my mind in this frame, you know, where these people are, their dog burnt to death, and they lost all their possessions.

[1326] Their whole life's dream is grown man in his 50s with a mustache is weeping.

[1327] And then I went right on stage and just ate dick.

[1328] I wasn't even a little funny.

[1329] There was nothing that I could have possibly said that was funny.

[1330] I just didn't think anything was funny.

[1331] I had a two -hour drive with a chick bitching at me that I watched 20 minutes of people crying because their house is gone and then I go on stage.

[1332] It was just death.

[1333] But J .B. Smooth went on right after me and destroyed.

[1334] Destroyed.

[1335] It was like such a stench in the room for my performance.

[1336] It was so flat and so uninspired and I was so, I so didn't want and the people that paid to see me, they were so bummed out because they had like told their friends how funny I was because they saw me at NACA.

[1337] There was a NACA convention.

[1338] This is like this association of college campus activities thing where you perform and then they would send you out to all these different colleges all across the country.

[1339] It was really good money.

[1340] And, well, I had done the conference and I killed.

[1341] I fucking destroyed.

[1342] And so I got all these colleges for it.

[1343] And this was one of those colleges.

[1344] And these people were like, well, he really killed at NACA.

[1345] Yeah, I killed it.

[1346] I fucked, sorry.

[1347] It fucked up.

[1348] It was disastrous.

[1349] But J .B. Smooth went on after me and destroyed it.

[1350] Is he good out here?

[1351] Is he did comedy out here?

[1352] I don't know.

[1353] I think he's in New Yorker.

[1354] Dude is so funny.

[1355] Got some of the best facial expressions ever.

[1356] Rogan, that ice shit was hilarious, by the way.

[1357] Oh, ha, ha.

[1358] That thing got taken on its own little thing.

[1359] It's ridiculous, isn't it?

[1360] How funny is that?

[1361] What's that?

[1362] What's he tell you?

[1363] There was a fight that aired on Spike TV where this dude had a bag of ice on the dude's head in between the corner, and the bag broke, and the ice went everywhere.

[1364] And I'm like, oh, gee, we got a problem.

[1365] Like, look at this, there's ice everywhere.

[1366] And these guys start picking up the ice, but they're stumbling, they're dropping the bucket, and I start doing, like, play by play.

[1367] I'm like, it's a goddamn three stooges.

[1368] Look at these guys.

[1369] And apparently, you know, we're just killing time while they're cleaning up ice, basically.

[1370] I'm like, let me just entertain.

[1371] Well, they're cleaning up ice.

[1372] Let me just make fun of this.

[1373] And now it's like this YouTube clip.

[1374] It's all over the place, man. Really?

[1375] It's great.

[1376] What sucks of being in the audience, you can't hear you.

[1377] Right.

[1378] So I had no idea any of this was going on.

[1379] Right.

[1380] So that just sucks.

[1381] You know what?

[1382] Next time, I'm going to get you guys those things.

[1383] Yeah.

[1384] Yeah.

[1385] That would be so much better.

[1386] those things.

[1387] Yeah, I don't know how those things work.

[1388] Maybe you can, you'll probably figure out a way to improve it.

[1389] Oh, yeah.

[1390] Get your iPhone.

[1391] Here's the problem.

[1392] Put Wi -Fi in there.

[1393] Yeah, yeah.

[1394] Well, there is a Wi -Fi that's available in the...

[1395] These, like, headphones that you can wear out of the arena.

[1396] Yes, it's an ear thing, like a little, like a, sort of like an iPod, and you sit there, and you can listen to the commentary while it was all going on.

[1397] Yeah, that would be better then.

[1398] Yeah.

[1399] They had a streaming...

[1400] It would be so much better if it was on your eye.

[1401] I heard that spilled bag of ice is talking shit on the internet.

[1402] I heard you talk a lot of shit on Twitter That ain't cool bro That's not professional Okay Yeah it's got its own Twitter page Yeah he's got a spill bag of vices The Twitter page has got like 500 followers already It's hilarious You should follow Brian because Red Band is trying to bump up his count And he's very upset That more people aren't What are you up to him?

[1403] Like 1 ,100 Damn dude you're way more than me What are you that?

[1404] Like 4 something Twitter is so hard to get people Well, yeah, follow Tom Segura, ladies gentlemen.

[1405] That's this name down here.

[1406] Yeah, point to a one.

[1407] Where is that thing?

[1408] Can you see?

[1409] Yeah, I go like that.

[1410] There's a serious delay here.

[1411] About more.

[1412] That, anyway.

[1413] Tom got it.

[1414] Please go there.

[1415] ICE is commentating at UFC 101 with me. Yeah, how funny is that that became such a big deal?

[1416] Pants on the floor.

[1417] That's one thing that does come in handy, being a comedian and being a commentator at the same time.

[1418] When something fucks up.

[1419] I can at least make fun of it.

[1420] Do you do that a lot?

[1421] You should do it more.

[1422] Well, it's not appropriate.

[1423] I only do it where it's appropriate.

[1424] My job is to represent what's going on.

[1425] My job is to represent what's going on in the fighting.

[1426] It's not my job to stick my personality into that.

[1427] You know, when it's appropriate, then I do it.

[1428] But you can't look for it.

[1429] Like, did you ever watch when Dennis Miller did the Monday night football?

[1430] Yes.

[1431] And he would, like, throw jokes in and write jokes.

[1432] No, it would be funny as if your conversations with Mike We're kind of like You do it already Sometimes like when Mike will say something You calm out on it But if you just kind of did that more Because sometimes he says some shit Yeah sometimes I have to let it go though I have to because like we're in the middle of moving something along Someone's getting into the octagon You know the fight's about to take place I don't want to I like that side talk that you guys do now I do too But we got to do it You know when it's best when the fights are boring When you have a boring fight Then you can start talking shit right you know and you'd be like honest this isn't the most exciting fight i've ever seen in my life like i'll say things like that you know on occasion if it's if it's a boring one do you find yourself also trying to find up like new sayings to say because you always have to say it seems like you know i say this i repeat myself like he has a heart of gold or something like that you are so like he has a heart of gold he has a heart of gold he is the spirit of a tiger i mean do you have a good like look there you just put a bunch of animals No, you know, I say the heart of a line because it's a genuine expression.

[1433] Right.

[1434] You start making expressions up.

[1435] He has a warrior spirit of the nation.

[1436] Yeah, but you should do that.

[1437] No, man. Nobody wants to hear that.

[1438] Because, yeah, it's not me, though.

[1439] But there is a dude that's Michael Chevello, the guy that does Dream.

[1440] He does all the commentary for Dream and he does K -1.

[1441] He's really hilarious because he'll, like, make stuff up.

[1442] But it's really funny coming from him.

[1443] Like when this guy was throwing hooks, he goes, more hoax than a Pirates convention.

[1444] Like, he says shit like that.

[1445] That's great.

[1446] That's funny.

[1447] The thing about Dennis Miller's was that his were obscure.

[1448] Like, you had to have read.

[1449] Oh, it's like the Constitution.

[1450] That whole style of comedy, that whole style, like, I know much more than you do.

[1451] And, you know, you're going to pretend that you know as much as I do.

[1452] You're in the inside, so you're going to laugh at the joke.

[1453] Right, exactly.

[1454] If it's not even a joke, it's just a reference.

[1455] Do you hear Brian's example of a specific one, though?

[1456] It's like the Constitution, page two.

[1457] that was his idea of being being obscure page two not a line from it page two it's really funny if you think about how few people really understand or have written read the Constitution I've never read it I've never read it I've never read it I've read the Constitution yeah I think you had to back yeah maybe like do you remember any of it I mean do you remember anything about I remember freedom of speech I remember you're supposed to be allowed to have guns and you're like allowed to take up arms against the government.

[1458] Isn't that legal?

[1459] Something like that?

[1460] Isn't that like second amendment?

[1461] Bill of Rights.

[1462] It's really kind of crazy if you stop and think about like how the structure of our country, the whole structure of our country is made up in a way that very few people have even looked into.

[1463] You know, you'll talk about it.

[1464] It's unconstitutional, but you know, how many people have ever even read that shit?

[1465] It's got to be like a minuscule percentage.

[1466] And it's so crazy that we stick with these laws that were invented like so many hundred years ago.

[1467] Like why haven't we come up with a better way?

[1468] Why haven't we refined it and made it better just for the people?

[1469] Like when you hear like new rulings, like this recent ruling that the Supreme Court had where they said that corporations can spend as much money as they want on campaigns now, they're just like an individual, they can spend as much as they want, that's an insane idea.

[1470] Why would you think that that would be good for the individual?

[1471] Why would you think that would be good for human beings in general?

[1472] That's only going to be good for the corporation.

[1473] Of course.

[1474] You're going to spend millions of dollars because the politician who's going to get into office is going to do shit that he doesn't really want to do but you asked him to do which is why you got him in there in the first place you know hey i mean nobody gets into office that isn't playing the game i mean it's pretty obvious you know with obama and obama's a smart fucking guy man you know i saw him that thing that he was doing where the republicans were questioning on shit and saying a bunch of nonsense and he was just correcting them left and right and made them all look stupid and did it without a teleprompter and was calm as fuck under pressure and you watch that guy and you go god if this guy can't even change anything?

[1475] If he can't even change anything?

[1476] And everybody's like, Obama's a puppet, Obama's a puppet.

[1477] Maybe, maybe, or it might be that he can't fucking change anything.

[1478] It might be that the president is just, yeah.

[1479] It's just, he is a puppy.

[1480] That's the whole point.

[1481] It might be that the president really is.

[1482] I mean, I think, like, JFK tried to treat the presidency as if he was, like, really the president.

[1483] You know, but I think Bush very obviously accepted the position of the spokesperson, person very obviously wasn't paying attention right very obviously you know would make like critical mistakes about shit and the way he promoted things and the way he spoke about things when he was you know when he was off script i mean he was a fucking dunce and then you had cheney who was always hiding in the bunker and his fucking evil billionaire CEO character who was actively making money off the war actively profiting yeah i mean that's some incredible shit and then when the company that he used to be the CEO of, then becomes the fucking company that's contracted to go to Iraq and fix everything.

[1484] It's coincidence, man. Jesus Christ.

[1485] And everybody goes, well, that's because, you know, there's the only company that's qualified.

[1486] Like, oh, so what?

[1487] So what?

[1488] So what?

[1489] So what?

[1490] Fire up a new company.

[1491] That's crazy.

[1492] The guy can't make money as the vice president from fucking war.

[1493] And then Obama comes in the office and you got to go like, well, you know, it's like, he ain't fixing shit.

[1494] You know, what is he changing?

[1495] sending 30 ,000 more people to Afghanistan.

[1496] You know, I mean, this whole economic stimulus.

[1497] When I hear them talk about that, I feel, I feel angry.

[1498] I feel like I am getting fucked right now, and I don't know I'm getting fucked.

[1499] Like, the way they're talking about this and the money that gets...

[1500] The Goldman Sachs CEO who just got, you know, some insanely large bonus.

[1501] You know, it was reported online that was $100 million or something like that.

[1502] I mean, some insane bonus because they made so much money in 2009.

[1503] They had like that record year.

[1504] It's the best year.

[1505] It's incredible.

[1506] It's all incredible.

[1507] It's all incredible.

[1508] The whole idea that they buy out all these fucking banks because the banks are too big to fail and where is all the money going?

[1509] It's all numbers.

[1510] It's all ones and zeros.

[1511] What the fuck is happening and where is it going?

[1512] It's all nuts.

[1513] The whole system is so chaotic.

[1514] A system of finance that's based mostly on confidence.

[1515] That's a big part of it.

[1516] Because for the longest time, we didn't have shit.

[1517] We weren't producing shit.

[1518] But everybody was confident that real estate prices were going to be.

[1519] gonna keep going up so they keep buying them and selling them and they keep making money so everybody's confident and meanwhile in the middle of all of it nothing is going on there's just ones and zeros moving back and forth we don't even know what the fuck is happening and it runs our whole life you know i mean the financial system that that runs the world it's like so fucking complex that a guy like birdie made off can fuck them all and steal billions and billions of dollars and nobody do it's absurd that's insane billions and he didn't steal like 50 grand he's still 50 billion I mean, he had that much...

[1520] Yeah, over decades.

[1521] He had that much money going on and no one knew what the fuck was happening.

[1522] And he used to be the president, I think, of the stock exchange.

[1523] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1524] You're the guy who's like in charge of it all.

[1525] Was he the chairman or something like that?

[1526] It was some big wig.

[1527] It was a big position.

[1528] Yeah.

[1529] It's incredible, man. It's really amazing.

[1530] Yeah, it really is, man. It's...

[1531] I mean, I used to think before the market crashed, I thought, well, I don't want to spend too much time thinking about, you know, finances and politics because it's so complex to really study it appropriately.

[1532] You would have to spend many, many hours every day delving into all the different issues that are going on, all the different areas that merit attention.

[1533] It's like, God damn it, it's more than a full -time job.

[1534] And if you have a family, if you have kids, if you have a job, if you have a hobby, if you have any friends, where are you coming up with that time?

[1535] Where are you coming up with that time that you're going to get obsessed with politics?

[1536] I don't have it.

[1537] Do you have it?

[1538] No. Who the fuck does?

[1539] that's incredible so the system the system that that is running our whole lives is one that we barely understand and have it even researched you'd have to do nothing but consume information all day to have even a remote chance to like really follow the ins and out so that's in the same bucket as math with me yeah my brain just doesn't work like that and math oh do you think by the way that like like i vote i don't know i voted for obama and so i've been like you know i wanted to succeed and do well and everything but and I don't here's how out of it I am with the politics that I don't know if this is factual or not but was his campaign part of it that like he would withdraw troops so he isn't sending them like just at least at the very least it's the opposite of what you said you were going to do?

[1540] No I think he did withdraw troops but I think he just when everyone says he sent that many trips to Afghanistan he just withdrew him and moved him over to the well everybody knew it was bullshit everybody knew it was bullshit 30 ,000 more now right I shouldn't say everybody But he knew it was bullshit, but a lot of people knew that what he really was going to do was pull troops out of Iraq and put more in Afghanistan because they were saying that we're under -truped in Afghanistan for what they're trying to do.

[1541] But, you know, it's kind of crazy that the dude wins the Nobel Peace Prize and then sends 30 ,000 more people to Afghanistan right afterwards.

[1542] That's just bizarre.

[1543] It's all so nuts.

[1544] It doesn't make sense for that you would award somebody at Peace Prize just on their image.

[1545] Well, you know, we've got to pay attention.

[1546] Everybody's like, well, you've got to look out for where, you know, things are happening.

[1547] You have to protect American interests and protect America from terrorism and all that good stuff.

[1548] But listen, the scariest goddamn threat to America is the Mexican drug cartels.

[1549] They're right next door to us.

[1550] You can drive to fucking Mexico, man. It's right there.

[1551] And if you live in San Diego, it's a goddamn 20 -minute drive and you're in another country where they're murdering people every fucking day of the week.

[1552] Way crazier.

[1553] Victor Davila, the guy who does the Spanish version of my job.

[1554] He does the commentary for the UFC.

[1555] He told me that it's five times more people have died last year in 2009 in Juarez and all the border towns, all the murders and the gunfire that's going on between the cops and the bad guys.

[1556] Five times more have died than in Iraq and Afghanistan combined ever.

[1557] That's insane.

[1558] That's insane.

[1559] And it's right there.

[1560] He said it's nuts over there.

[1561] He said, you have to drive around at night with your light, your dome light on, so that the drug cartels, they see, they don't wonder who you are.

[1562] the car and then I'll just gun your car down just to just to be sure really yeah he said it's nuts man people drive around with their dome lights on so the drug guys can see inside whoa that's fucking terrifying you're driving around and they let you live let him live let him live he doesn't have our guys in there whoa how scary is that shit and that's right next door man you know and the reason why it all happened is because drugs are illegal that's the reason why it all happened is you you got all these fucking people that are willing to sell drugs because all these people want drugs and the people that are selling the drugs make billions and billions of dollars.

[1563] And they don't realize that a lot of people think that's all cocaine.

[1564] The biggest import from Mexico in the illicit drug world is marijuana.

[1565] So it's the fact that that's illegal that fuels a lot.

[1566] I'm saying if you made it legal in Mexico in United States universally, you would get rid of a lot of the violence and things that go on because the biggest thing that's being brought in is not Coke.

[1567] it's marijuana.

[1568] So the fact that these guys are doing this because it's illegal, if they just made it legal, you would reduce violence by so much.

[1569] But you know what?

[1570] They're not going to cut down any laws that they don't absolutely have to cut down.

[1571] And if they ease up restrictions on marijuana, it's going to take decades.

[1572] It's going to be statewide in California first, and there's going to be some contest to that, and then maybe a couple other states that will adopt it.

[1573] It'll never be national.

[1574] It'll never be federal because they always need those fucking people to work.

[1575] They need those DEA.

[1576] guys, those guys are going to make sure that they're in a position of power.

[1577] They're going to make sure that they keep a certain amount of jobs every year.

[1578] And if you close down marijuana, you make marijuana illegal, you make all drugs, you criminalize all drugs, then you're chopped down like more than half.

[1579] More than half the people in prison today are in prison for nonviolent drug offenses.

[1580] Sure.

[1581] Which is crazy when you can go to CVS and get fucked up out of your mind.

[1582] You go to CVS, you know, and they have shelves where they have fucking.

[1583] whiskey just shelve after just so much whiskey you can drink yourself to death right there i go to tvs now to buy the cheapest beer they have the cheapest beer now it's crazy yeah i mean it's amazing that alcohol kills people and yet we we don't even bat an eye at it being right there on the corner in a in a convenience store like hard hard shit jack daniels wild turkey and shit you know right there you know i mean liquor stores supermarkets right there beer wine drink yourself to death but if they had weed people would freak out there's fucking weed here there is a difference when you think about it there's not one alcohol where you could take one shot and then be out of your mind panic attacks might check yourself in the hospital for you know because you think your heart's freaking out you know there's not one alcohol that will do that but yet there is weed that you take one hit and you will think you're having your dime especially if you don't smoke weed yeah yeah but there was a glass of something you can drink and like if you had a glass of it glass of it, yeah.

[1584] I mean, the glass of it's like eating a whole bag of weed.

[1585] Well, that's, see, the reason it, the reason why it's good that things are legal is because when things are legal, they have like really clearly defined portions.

[1586] Right.

[1587] You know, a beer.

[1588] You get a beer, it's 12 ounces or whatever the hell it is.

[1589] You crack it open.

[1590] There it is.

[1591] That's a beer.

[1592] If you have more than one.

[1593] Now, you know, it's like when you have two beers, right?

[1594] You have two beers now.

[1595] Be careful.

[1596] You know, like, with weed, especially when you buy, like, edibles, you don't know what you're getting.

[1597] You could get, like, some, I've had a pot of lollipops where I couldn't even feel them like I eat the whole lollipop and two hours later I'm like I think I got a dud like it was a dud and then you'll have a cookie where you eat half the cookie and you'll see like cartoons fucking behind your eyelids like you close your eyes and you'll see like these animated cartoons like wrestling and duplicating and moving back and forth all around you and like neon colors that's how I felt the last USC it was a little bit too strong I thought it was going to die we talked about this before but it's worth talking about it because it's so crazy and most people don't know about it when you eat marijuana, and this is very important for people who think, you know, I got two stone.

[1598] You can get two stone smoking pot.

[1599] It's totally different than getting two stone eating pot.

[1600] Getting two stone eating pot is terrifying because your body produces a chemical called 11 hydroxy metabolite.

[1601] And when apparently what happens is when you smoke marijuana, this is what I read online.

[1602] When you smoke marijuana, it has this 11 hydroxymetabolite, but it's not psychoactive, but when you eat it and it's processed through your liver and it goes in your blood's It's four times more potent than THC, four times more psychoactive.

[1603] So that's why you get so high.

[1604] You eat a brownie and you're just like blitz -greaked.

[1605] Like it's literally like higher than you can get smoking it.

[1606] You know, like it's a different high too.

[1607] It's like, it's like real, it's almost like mushrooms or something.

[1608] It's really self -examining, you know, real self -examintatory.

[1609] Like you really start, like, is that a word?

[1610] Self -examatory?

[1611] Sounds like it.

[1612] Sounds like it's a word.

[1613] If it sounds like it's a word.

[1614] Maybe, right?

[1615] It should be a word.

[1616] Right.

[1617] I freaked out with a cookie.

[1618] one time where I was crying and stuff like for a long time too like it was hours and hours and hours yeah Eddie had a cookie once that really freaked him out and he was doing this character this it was a white rapper that puts black face on to be more street and he was doing this character and it was like the ultimate wigger he was like trying to claim that he really didn't have makeup on what he did it was pretty funny actually and he ate the cookie and got so paranoid because of this video started to freak out and he thought the black people were going to come and get him and they were going to hate him and he was racist and he was like like ready to cry I mean he was talking about he was like you know that's funny it's so funny how when you get high like I got high once that I thought about some shit I said about Stephen Segal like I was like making fun of Stephen Seagal and I was being like really mean and then I got high once and I thought about I'm like why am I being such a dick Steven Seagal never did anything to me like I'm being so per about it, about my making fun of him.

[1619] Like, I'm not even doing it good -naturedly, you know, and it made me realize.

[1620] I was like, what if I'd met him?

[1621] What if he was nice?

[1622] What kind of a piece of shit would I feel like?

[1623] You know, I mean, maybe he's not nice, but maybe he is.

[1624] Maybe I meet him, maybe I like him.

[1625] You know, I mean, I've met some people that people thought were douchebags before, and I liked him.

[1626] So it made me really examine, like, my instincts just because this guy's famous, just to shit all over him.

[1627] That's all I wanted to do.

[1628] I just met Roddy Piper.

[1629] He was the nicest old man I've ever said.

[1630] Maddie Piper's a legend, man. They live.

[1631] Yeah, but when you see him, though, you're like, who is this guy?

[1632] He was just, like, off the streets.

[1633] Really?

[1634] Yeah.

[1635] But nicest guy ever.

[1636] Well, he's still acting, right?

[1637] Isn't he acting?

[1638] I guess.

[1639] Have you watched a golf show, though?

[1640] Fucking awesome.

[1641] Stephen's golf show is goddamn classic.

[1642] I don't like it.

[1643] You don't like it?

[1644] No. Don't you like when he talks black to black people?

[1645] I do.

[1646] I do.

[1647] It's worth that little piece.

[1648] What up, Cuzz?

[1649] Overall.

[1650] What's you're trying to go here?

[1651] We're going down.

[1652] We're going down.

[1653] Like, he will straight up patronize.

[1654] He goes right to cause.

[1655] What up, cause?

[1656] Like, right away.

[1657] These guys are handcuffed.

[1658] Does his gun even real?

[1659] Does he keep real bullets in his gun?

[1660] I don't even...

[1661] Zainee let him have bullets in his gun.

[1662] I'm so weird about that show.

[1663] To me, it just seems like I'm getting fooled.

[1664] I mean, I kind of understand.

[1665] Okay, he has real martial arts training.

[1666] Gotcha.

[1667] He's got real firearms training.

[1668] Gotcha.

[1669] He would bring exposure to your police force.

[1670] Okay, I see where you're coming from.

[1671] I can kind of understand.

[1672] how they would be willing to have him as a cop but it's strange you know it's like you think that people would be smarter you think the people would be like do you think in Israel they would let Sylvester Stallone be a cop in Israel do you think they would let him go around patrol with him I think you could be a 12 year old and be a copic you but you know what I'm saying do you think they would take an actor and I don't know let him do that no yeah they might think that listen they'd be like don't make a movie yeah they might believe this ain't a joke How about the Seagal is an expert in every episode on some shit that you're reading?

[1673] He's like, you know, I've been training dogs for like 20 years.

[1674] And then like, then he's playing the blues.

[1675] You're like, really?

[1676] You play the blues?

[1677] Well, you know, it was funny.

[1678] There was a spy magazine article about him and about his background, about how a guy was claiming that his background was fabricated and that there was a dude who really worked for the CIA in Southeast Asia.

[1679] Seagal met him, and Seagal started telling this guy's stories as his own.

[1680] He just started adopting this guy's life.

[1681] That'd be a great movie.

[1682] Yeah.

[1683] Oh, yeah.

[1684] Well, a dude is completely full of shit.

[1685] The main of the movie.

[1686] But he's not totally full of shit because he really is like this high -level Ikego black belt.

[1687] I mean, Akeo's kind of a silly martial arm, but he's really like a high -level Ikego black belt.

[1688] I do think he's, I think that that's completely true and accurate.

[1689] And I do believe that he is a little out of his mind.

[1690] Yeah.

[1691] Well, he's definitely out of his mind.

[1692] But, I mean, how many people have you ever met and, and sure?

[1693] show business that aren't out of their mind.

[1694] No, totally.

[1695] But when you become an action superstar, and I think he kind of wanted to be the characters in the movies he was playing.

[1696] Yeah.

[1697] He wanted to be out for justice, for real, after he did that shit, and he was like, I'm gonna go be a cop.

[1698] And, you know, he acts like, I just said, I'm just another cop.

[1699] No, you're not.

[1700] You're fucking six.

[1701] Six.

[1702] They're crazy as that.

[1703] I've been training Eagles to wear hats for 20 years.

[1704] He got rid of the ponytail, which I was very disappointed.

[1705] I was hoping he was going to rock the ponytail.

[1706] You'd be better if he had it.

[1707] The ponytail kind of, makes it with him man. There's something about him having that ponytail.

[1708] It makes him look more like samurai style, you know?

[1709] Yeah.

[1710] I like that ponytail.

[1711] I think he should rock that shit.

[1712] I just realized what it is about his films, the expression that he'd never had in the film.

[1713] And I was always like, kind of wondering what it was.

[1714] He's never been out of breath in it.

[1715] Like, he never, you know what I mean?

[1716] Like, his face was always in control, even after five, like, ten dudes he turned the last dude and not be breathing.

[1717] Well, how about the one with Kelly LeBrock where he was in a coma?

[1718] for like years and then he came out of a coma and just got some fucking acupuncture and did some meditating next thing you know he's punching bricks and shit and running up hills I'm back back in shape like he gets back in shape after being in a coma for years he gets back in shape like a couple days you know he's punching the macchiwara out there in the desert and shit doing his forms meditating incense it's hilarious acupuncture your show on the air Stevenson Oh, he's genius, man. His movies are even better, man. His movies are goddamn classic.

[1719] I ordered some movie called The Room.

[1720] People have been telling me about this movie for years.

[1721] I've heard so many people recommend it as like the worst movie ever.

[1722] Like the best worst movie ever.

[1723] My copy comes tomorrow.

[1724] What's called?

[1725] It's called The Room.

[1726] I saw the Pat and Oswald.

[1727] I don't want to see that.

[1728] I'm sure it's hilarious.

[1729] I'll see that after I see it, but I don't want to give anything away.

[1730] Apparently this movie is so bad that it's like insanity.

[1731] like you watch it and you start screaming and you're like rewinds rewinds do you guys want to watch it yeah and let's watch it next week there's another one called richard heat you have to get that yeah what are you doing on friday are you doing anything on friday during the day no do anything friday during the day brian let's watch that shit let's have a bunch people over and watch it supposed to be the worst moving all the time supposed to be genius it sounds geniusly shitty and brian can you order richard heat you guys have to see it richard heat order it yeah Is it on DVD?

[1732] I think so.

[1733] I've seen the trailer, the extended trailer.

[1734] Oh, you saw me the preview once.

[1735] I did?

[1736] In a laptop.

[1737] Was that?

[1738] Yeah.

[1739] That's hilarious.

[1740] That's real.

[1741] That's a full -length film.

[1742] That's funny.

[1743] When are you guys going to broadcast an HD on Justin TV?

[1744] Justin TV has HD?

[1745] This role hard character on a Rogo board says they do.

[1746] He doesn't have it.

[1747] They don't have it for Mac.

[1748] And it's not...

[1749] They don't have it from Mac.

[1750] I don't think it's really HD either.

[1751] It's not really HD?

[1752] But all of these...

[1753] guys have better video quality on PCs really well why don't we start running from a PC let's run boot camp yeah I don't mind putting boot camp is it that big of a deal it's not hard right I had it on this computer and it was just not the best Brian hates windows I just don't want to put windows on my laptop you're like a big fan of windows one wrong email my shit's all fucked I don't want to maybe we should get a PC just to do this should we get a PC just to do is?

[1754] Maybe.

[1755] I might buy a computer for you faggots.

[1756] How about that?

[1757] Yeah, broadcasting.

[1758] What a confusing message Daddy sends us.

[1759] He'll call us all faggots.

[1760] What kind of a fucking show is this?

[1761] Brian, did you have Apple's way, like, when they were first coming out?

[1762] Were you into them then?

[1763] Like, when we were in...

[1764] Apples?

[1765] Well, I mean, elementary school, I had used them, like, Apple 1, 2...

[1766] You did.

[1767] I'm saying, did you like them then?

[1768] I liked them back then, but I never...

[1769] I grew up.

[1770] with PCs just because I was a broke ass and I'd just build my own computers and stuff like that.

[1771] You build your own computers?

[1772] I can still do that.

[1773] And math scares you?

[1774] I made a couple of computers.

[1775] I built a couple computers from scratch.

[1776] Who the fuck are you guys, man?

[1777] Well, I mean, I'm not good at it.

[1778] I need someone to help me along the way.

[1779] Like, my friend Andrews's a psycho genius and he knows every...

[1780] He used to make computers for a living.

[1781] And I could always call him like, dude, I'm fucked up.

[1782] I didn't flash the bios, help me, to do here.

[1783] You know, I could get, but it's not that hard.

[1784] It's like once you understand that a motherboard is for a certain CPU and you know that they match and you know how to put it on and you have all the pieces and you know where it goes, then you know where the memory goes, then you know where the hard drive goes.

[1785] It's not that hard.

[1786] And then the hard part is getting it to boot up, loading windows, and then getting all your peripherals, your keyboards and all that shit to sync up.

[1787] At least it used to be back in the windows, you know, 95 and 98 days.

[1788] That was when I started, that's when I was making computers.

[1789] But I would make my own PCs.

[1790] We just go to fries and buy a box.

[1791] It sounds really intimidating to me. It's not that hard, man. It's really not that hard.

[1792] It's really...

[1793] It's more just plugging things.

[1794] Yeah, because I don't know any coding.

[1795] I don't know.

[1796] Like, when I would, like, go into the...

[1797] I knew, like, command prompts for certain things in Windows, you know?

[1798] I knew how to ping servers and stuff like that.

[1799] But there's most shit I didn't know.

[1800] Most shit was just things that friends told me, or I'd read a book on or something like that.

[1801] It's a lot easier nowadays, you know, like it's stupid shit.

[1802] Like, jumper settings for a CD drive.

[1803] Oh, yeah, there was always...

[1804] And you had to have the...

[1805] the memory in the right slot or it wouldn't boot.

[1806] Right.

[1807] You know, you put the memory in the wrong slot, it didn't recognize it, because they have to start with this ones.

[1808] The frequencies, can it match with the video cards?

[1809] Yeah, and then if you got crazy, once you really got cocky, you started overclocking your shit, you know, you're like, well, you know, it says 300 megahertz, but I think I can get out to 350 and not burn it out.

[1810] But nowadays, I just like max.

[1811] Yeah, it's way easier.

[1812] For creative work and stuff, it's way easier.

[1813] But they're way more expensive.

[1814] You know, as long as you're not stupid, Really?

[1815] No. Mac minis, though, you can get a refurb for $400 that's way faster than in you.

[1816] Right, but if you want to get a laptop, man, you can get a badass fucking laptop for like $1 ,200 from Windows.

[1817] Yeah, yeah.

[1818] From Mac, you get that, you get the MacBook, which is like $1 ,000.

[1819] It's pretty good.

[1820] Man, $1 ,200 you can get a Windows laptop that has Blu -ray and has a one terabyte fucking hard drive.

[1821] And, you know, they have more shit, man. You get more bang for your buck if you buy a Windows one.

[1822] more shit for your pennies you know the quality's not as good I mean the thing about max is like you get like one of those power books like the keyboard's badass like the way it's the form factors like really solid like the build quality's excellent like sometimes you get a PC laptop and it's like plastic and it feels like it's falling apart there's definitely somewhat like Sony's my favorite PC yeah there's you know there's high end companies man there's high in companies that make like dope shit but it's important to have a bunch of different options man It's important for, you know, there to be a Windows and a Mac and a Linux and there should be more.

[1823] There should be more different things that people could choose from.

[1824] And make these motherfuckers come out with the best shit quickest, you know?

[1825] Yeah, absolutely.

[1826] Look how much better Windows is now?

[1827] Why?

[1828] Because of Mac's OS 10.

[1829] You know, they had to catch up.

[1830] They had to come up with those cool shit, you know, all this stuff that looks cool to look at, you know?

[1831] I mean, that's all that is it.

[1832] And people think that's nonsense.

[1833] I don't need that.

[1834] I just need a computer to work.

[1835] That's all fun.

[1836] It's a part of the experience.

[1837] It makes the experience, it gives it more flavor, you know?

[1838] Totally.

[1839] Just regular computing.

[1840] I like the, when you go down to an application and it bounces up.

[1841] And when you load it, it goes doing, doing, do you.

[1842] Yeah, it's part of the experience of having one.

[1843] Yeah, it's fun.

[1844] You know, it's horrible.

[1845] I was using a PC the other day.

[1846] And it says, you know, you have updates.

[1847] You know, click here to restart.

[1848] Or it says restart later.

[1849] And you're like, no, I don't want to restart now.

[1850] Restart later.

[1851] Every three minutes, that same window will pop up.

[1852] Like, there's no way to just say, hey, leave me alone.

[1853] I'll restart it when I want to.

[1854] This is on a PC?

[1855] Yeah, it's on a PC.

[1856] And I forgot a time?

[1857] No, I forgot how annoying that used to be.

[1858] He's like, we start later, restart now, you know?

[1859] It's just like, come on, it said we start later a million times.

[1860] They're definitely not up to where Mac is, but I think they're a lot closer than they used to be.

[1861] I think Windows 7 is supposed to be pretty goddamn close.

[1862] This guy's asking about Mark Emery.

[1863] A couple people are asking about someone saying, Mark Emery, the Prince of Pot, R. J. LeBlunk.

[1864] Another guy saying, I was a Canadian.

[1865] I'm ashamed.

[1866] We're extraditing Mark Emery.

[1867] It's a black guy.

[1868] He's a dude in Canada that was selling pot seeds.

[1869] He was selling seeds.

[1870] Just seeds on the internet.

[1871] And seeds, you know, you know, like, you know, And you're selling them all over the world.

[1872] The United States, they wanted him arrested for being a drug dealer.

[1873] For selling seeds?

[1874] For selling seeds.

[1875] Yeah.

[1876] They're going to charge with, like, millions of dollars in trafficking, you know?

[1877] There's all the seeds that could have been turned into pot and could have been sold and he's a drug dealer.

[1878] For fucking seeds, for a plant.

[1879] I mean, it is so amazing.

[1880] It's so amazing that they could pull that shit off.

[1881] You know?

[1882] I mean, it's the dumbest thing ever.

[1883] There's the whole idea that you can have anything that doesn't affect other people and you can make it illegal.

[1884] You can make anything illegal that doesn't why, how the fuck can you tell one person what they can and can't experience?

[1885] I mean, it's pretty incredible, but yet you can buy booze.

[1886] It's mind -boggling that this is still going on.

[1887] I would have thought, that with the internet and everything that this would all be fixed by now like there's so much more access to information there's so much more transparency we we know like how everything you know supposed to be in place we know the real history behind pot and why how is it still here how's that how's that still going on tom fix that um do it tom fix it bitch do it right now you're not you can fix anything top scurra got out it's crazy it's like the constitution page two page two 2010.

[1888] It's like when are we not going to have bad words?

[1889] When are we not going to have ridiculous laws?

[1890] You can't, for sure, you can't just go and make drugs legal.

[1891] That can't happen because then people are going to sell the drugs everywhere.

[1892] There's one thing that's good about drugs being illegal.

[1893] The only thing that's good about it is that it's hard for those people to move around.

[1894] Like when you're talking about heroin and meth and shit like that, it's hard for them to sneak around and sell that shit.

[1895] Like if you watch that documentary, there's a documentary on Oxycontin called the Oxycontin Express.

[1896] It's about Florida where they have no database in Florida.

[1897] So anybody can just get a doctor's prescription and go to these health management clinics and you get some oxycontin.

[1898] You can go like a mile down the road to another one, get some more.

[1899] Another one.

[1900] Yeah, they don't have a database connecting all these patients together.

[1901] So all these people have problems with Oxycontin's.

[1902] and they have like it's a one -stop shop they have the doctor in the pharmacy right there in the place so you go in you see the doctor the doctor gives you a prescription you go right next door you get some heroin i mean it's fucking nuts man you know what's amazing is that with with weed is that obviously the reason when the reason anything exists is because it generates cash flow you know people make money off of having something legal or illegal or why they allow something because you can make money from it it makes you wonder wouldn't they eventually make more money with we being legal isn't that something that could be profitable wouldn't be profitable for everybody the problem is you can't control it see if you're selling gasoline I mean you can't just get gasoline man you got to go to the dude who who sells it buying it from the dude who's pumping it or the one company that's pumping it and refining it and then shipping it it's fucking very hard it's easy control That, I'm saying that, you know, business structure.

[1903] Well, you would, what the problem you would have is you would probably have some sort of a deal that's very similar to what they have with farmers right now.

[1904] It was like with farmers, like say if you have like corn, you buy like corn seeds from Monsanto or whatever that fucking, you know, those companies are that are, you know, huge crop companies.

[1905] Well, they own those seeds, man. You can't like extract those seeds from this year's crop and then plant them again next year.

[1906] Sure.

[1907] No, they'll fucking sue you if you do that.

[1908] Right.

[1909] Like, you're not allowed to use those seeds again.

[1910] They, like, lease you those seeds for, like, a season.

[1911] Right.

[1912] It's really pretty crazy.

[1913] Like, they patent plants.

[1914] And the thing about genetically modified, you know, foods, like, there's two concerns that people have.

[1915] They have the concern about diseases because, like, these things are immune, because they're not natural, you create them, and what if they get diseases, and one of the diseases are transmittable to humans or whatever?

[1916] You know, what if, you know, there's animals that eat them and they get sick and, you know, whatever.

[1917] Sure.

[1918] But that's one concern that people have But the other concern is that someone's going to own the patent to fucking plants You genetically modify like a type of corn or a tomato or something like that And you get those seeds to a certain level where you want them You can fucking copyright those That's my corn Yeah, that's their shit That's unbelievable So like if someone in another farm down the road Like you know maybe somehow other seeds got into his His farm And they find that they're, you know This guy is illegally growing corn with their seeds.

[1919] They can put that guy in jail.

[1920] They're fucking seeds.

[1921] How did anybody allow that to happen?

[1922] So if there was weed, would there just be too much cross?

[1923] I don't know.

[1924] I mean, I just think at a certain point in time the monkey would be out of the cage.

[1925] If weed became legal, the problem is, once weed becomes legal, you're never going to get that gene back in the hole.

[1926] They would have to have some massive government campaign of propaganda and disinformation where people were smoking weed and jumping off cliffs and you know and shooting themselves in the head they would have to do something like that where mass chaos is flowing because the marijuana of today is too strong and you would have like fucking Dan Rather would be talking about is he still alive he's alive yeah he would have one of those dudes on TV you know talking about how this mass suicides are happening all across the country directly linked to this new Alaskan AK 47 weed being sold in Southern California and talk about my brother was doing great and just started smoking weed He jumped in front of the biggest car you could find.

[1927] He waited.

[1928] He was standing on the side of the road.

[1929] I'm like, what are you doing, man?

[1930] What are you going to run across the highway?

[1931] He'd be like, not yet, not yet.

[1932] Then he ran, boom.

[1933] He couldn't take it anymore.

[1934] That's how good the weed is.

[1935] And that's what we would see night and day.

[1936] Every day.

[1937] They would just, until the president got on TV and said, obviously we've made a mistake.

[1938] We need to pull back.

[1939] We need to gather up our resources.

[1940] We need to look at this intelligently.

[1941] We've got a situation.

[1942] We tried it.

[1943] Didn't work out.

[1944] We know what's best for our country.

[1945] We know what's best for our country.

[1946] We did make $100 billion first.

[1947] Yeah.

[1948] Before, but now we're going to pull the plug on it.

[1949] I think the problem is that the money would get distributed the wrong way.

[1950] You know, we live in a company, we live in society right now that's controlled by a series of companies.

[1951] And these gigantic corporations, like oil companies, and they have, they're making so much money doing it this way, that there's no incentive whatsoever to change.

[1952] It would have to be a moment where they knew.

[1953] that we're on like peak oil place where like literally we're running out of petroleum like there's no more left in the world there's no way we can keep this going and if we ever got to that space then they would have to do something but until they do they're not going to change shit man if you switch to an agriculture based society that's running off you know corn ethanol and you know and you can make fuel out of hemp too man you can make all kinds of fuel you can make you make oils out of hemp you can make plastic out of hemp you can make like a particle board that's like five times stronger than most wood like half does like a really really strong wood it makes incredible paper it makes incredible cloth and it's all illegal it should be like way further along with solar power isn't that really effective it's not as easy as it looks really yeah it's hard to extract energy from the sun like that it's very difficult I mean they're much more efficient at it now than they were just a few years ago you know but it's still not quite there it's very I know about it because we were looking into it when I was living in Colorado You can't quite power a house on solar power.

[1954] It's very hard.

[1955] You have to have a lot of panels, and to go straight solar, it has to be sunny a lot.

[1956] Like, if it snows and rains for a few days, you know, you ain't getting any light.

[1957] My dad had it set up.

[1958] He built his own solar collectors and put it on his house, and he just had it just so it heated his water, and he's going to, I guess, do it sometime in the future and have it do something like that where this is only going to do this.

[1959] But still, it's like, hey, heat, you know, your heater would...

[1960] My friend Tom did it in Oregon, and he used windmills.

[1961] Right.

[1962] And he had so much power.

[1963] He was generating, probably selling it back.

[1964] Yeah.

[1965] Come on.

[1966] Yeah.

[1967] How many more people aren't doing that, though?

[1968] It's not cheap, man. He was a director.

[1969] He was a director, and he had a lot of money.

[1970] And he had, like, a badass farm up there, and he put it all together.

[1971] That's incredible.

[1972] Yeah, pretty interesting.

[1973] I have so much power of selling it back to the power company.

[1974] Yeah.

[1975] Yeah.

[1976] He was a smart dude.

[1977] Very, very self -sufficient.

[1978] He was funny, man. he's one of the few men that I've ever met my life that does not like kids had kids and does not like them really yep how old are he because I think you start hating them around 12 he had kids he said it ruined his relationship said it wasn't fun it totally changes the whole relationship I don't like kids and he's got this new wife after he divorced his wife and you know the kids are full grown divorced his wife got some new chick I didn't want to have kids he goes I like her just fine we get along terrific not going to bring any kids and fuck this up these kids just change the whole relationship is a movie director TV director it's a character man but yeah they don't quite have it to the point where you can be totally self -sufficient and it's just solar power but couldn't like let's say even let's the isn't I'm saying the wind you know power so effective that like at least the government would invest more in using that like maybe not every individual person but they would want to use that more is cheaper, I mean, than over time buying...

[1979] I don't know if it works that way, because I think in order to have enough power from windmills to power your house and keep all your shit going, you have to have pretty significant windmills.

[1980] You know, like, you can't have it for an apartment building, for everybody in the fucking building that's going to be using all that power for an office building.

[1981] It's like, no, you need more power than that.

[1982] You're not going to have windmills, aren't going to power a fucking office building.

[1983] You know what I'm saying?

[1984] You're going to need, like, a whole field of windmills, you know?

[1985] It's going to be ridiculous.

[1986] To the point where it's not economically, I guess.

[1987] They have to consider all that shit.

[1988] I think the problem is once we have a solution, we kind of like stop looking at how to have a different way to do it.

[1989] Like, you know, people go, well, you know, we need to figure out cars that run on anything else.

[1990] But we've got cars that run on gas, they're pretty bad at us.

[1991] You know, really?

[1992] Do you really want to fuck with cars that run out hydrogen?

[1993] I mean, they only get to the point where they have to do it.

[1994] Right.

[1995] I think the future, because it seems like right now we're having so much electronics that we're using more and more and more and more power.

[1996] But I think once the future catches up or the technology catches up we're going to have less and less like we're not going to have a stereo and a phone and a TV and we're just going to have one thing that does all this shit right perfect so I think I think it's going to balance itself out you know yeah maybe maybe but you know I wonder like when they have like electric cars like they have that Tesla you know that Tesla electric car it's interesting it doesn't handle that well one of the reasons why it doesn't handle that well is because there's someone that's weight in the back right there's all these batteries in the back and in the front there's like nothing.

[1997] Well, battery technology seems to be the one thing that's kind of hit a wall completely, but I think, you know, it's just, it's just one invention away from going over that wall.

[1998] Right, right, right.

[1999] Yeah, I think you're right.

[2000] I think they're going to come out with some fucking crazy new thing that allows you to get like a million times more information on a single cell that can hold more energy.

[2001] This battery lasts five years.

[2002] Yeah, this battery will never die.

[2003] Yeah.

[2004] Can you imagine?

[2005] But if you crack it open, it makes a black hole and it eats the You will lose your penis if you break this battery.

[2006] You know, it's covered in the same shit that Wolverine's bones are made out of us.

[2007] Edmambium, you know?

[2008] You can't get through it with bullets.

[2009] You can run over it with a car and it won't break.

[2010] But if it did break.

[2011] But whoever invents, whoever breaks that battery wall is a...

[2012] Like, that's the guy.

[2013] That's the guy.

[2014] That'll be the Bill Gates of like whatever.

[2015] It's like the scene lost.

[2016] And then blow up that thing.

[2017] Yeah.

[2018] Back from time.

[2019] Yeah, we're going to...

[2020] There's going to be something within our lifetime that's going to be so mind -blowing that it's going to change everything.

[2021] We were talking about this Google thing, Google Buzz, that, you know, I was talking about Twitter.

[2022] I was hoping Twitter was going to be it, right?

[2023] But, like, I didn't even know about Twitter two years ago.

[2024] I didn't know about Twitter.

[2025] I never even heard of it.

[2026] What's funny is I knew about Twitter for a while, and I would use it, but then I'm like, no, this is not that good.

[2027] And then suddenly everyone started using it at the same time.

[2028] It just caught the fuck on.

[2029] I think also people realize it's better to make people give them a limited amount of characters.

[2030] Well, that's what's with this Google Buzz.

[2031] That's what's with this Google Buzz.

[2032] It takes away that.

[2033] It does.

[2034] Yeah.

[2035] And it's like Twitter, but...

[2036] How long can you type for?

[2037] I don't think there is a...

[2038] Oh, Jesus.

[2039] I don't know.

[2040] Here's the thing, dude.

[2041] That's the difference between, for the most part, like, entertaining videos that people post online.

[2042] Like, if someone's like, check out so...

[2043] And not somebody I know.

[2044] And I look, and it's the time code starts getting up there.

[2045] It's a five -minute short.

[2046] I'm like, I don't want to watch this guy.

[2047] Like, make it short.

[2048] This is more like a Facebook, adding Facebook status updates, I guess, to, like, mix with Twitter.

[2049] People are going to write fucking novels in that shit, man. Yeah, that is a problem, man. People are too goddamn verbose.

[2050] I get emails from people with no paragraphs, just these floods of information.

[2051] They just love to hear that.

[2052] What the shitty thing, though, is it takes their email address and takes all your contacts and makes it your friends and stuff.

[2053] like that so what sucks is if you have your if you know of course this only works on some people but if you have a girlfriend and then you have your mistress's mom that you're all banging also and then you have like all these three people that are now friends and reading each other's Twitter Facebook pages you know that's silly and it just automatically does that too right when you sign up it's like automatic well this is one of things that we talked about a long time ago is that we're getting I think that we're getting to a point where there will be no more secrets where it's going to be impossible.

[2054] I mean, the convergence of information, you know, from your life to my life and all the things that you know and all the things that I know, all things I've seen and you've seen.

[2055] We're going to share those eventually.

[2056] Those things are all going to come together.

[2057] And there's not going to be any secrets.

[2058] We're going to get to a point in, you know, the not so distant future where people are literally going to be able to read each other's minds.

[2059] And it's going to be crazy, man. You know, I think that we're getting to some strange time right now in our society and our, in our culture.

[2060] And our culture.

[2061] culture, in our species.

[2062] We're getting to some strange time where we're just dabbling in the edges of some new, crazy, great thing that's going to change everything.

[2063] I mean, don't you feel like that when you, like, you see the news and you hear about shit they're doing with, like, the large Hadron Collider, and you think about the scientific experiments going on, all the shit they're doing with harp and...

[2064] I always feel like we're at, kind of like at that fork where we're either, we're about to, like, experience something great or, like, there's impending doom.

[2065] some awful shit I mean people have always felt like that too because we're so dumb we will occasionally fuck up and shatter everything you know I mean look at what happened in World War II look at the fact that we really did drop atomic bombs on people yeah I mean that's so non -specific I mean we hit entire cities I mean we weren't trying to just go after their military we dropped giant weapons of atomic destruction on entire cities I mean that's pretty incredible it's so recent man it was like 9 -11 for them and for like Hawaii when they dropped bombs on Hawaii that was like 9 -11 but yet 70 years ago that's not I mean most times you talk about that's nothing crazy you talk you know hundreds of years ago yeah civil war and shit that's really recent 70 years ago ain't shit man that's crazy you imagine like Twitters and webcams were back then of all the you know what's really interesting is when you look into history and not so distant history like look into like the 1960s and you see some of the shit that they were planning like Operation Northwoods you know if you've ever read that Operation Northwoods was uh they were going to make fake attacks on American civilians and they're going to attack Guantanamo Bay and tell people it was the Cubans and so that would get everybody fired up really war with Cuba yeah Freedom of Information Act it's Operation Northwoods you should check podcast two and three that sounds really interesting it's got to be budget it's crazy oh yeah it was definitely good excited it was just released recently because of the Freedom Information Act yeah it's like you know like what they were able to do back then in the 50s and the 60s.

[2066] In the 50s, the government did a thing called Operation Midnight Climax where they opened up brothels and they dosed people with LSD.

[2067] The Johns, these dudes who would go there and fuck these hookers, they would go to these whorehouses.

[2068] They were run by the fucking CIA in New York and San Francisco.

[2069] And they would douse these guys with acid.

[2070] And then just like study them and take notes.

[2071] These guys were on acid in a whorehouse.

[2072] They just went after work to get their dick sucked and they went on a 12 -hour trip of death and destruction.

[2073] Why are you fucking with that guy?

[2074] He just wants that.

[2075] Incredible.

[2076] And this is something that was like a real experiment that the CIA ran.

[2077] How do you find all this your shit out?

[2078] Oh, no. People send you.

[2079] Some people send me things.

[2080] I learned about some stuff on Twitter.

[2081] People sent me some good shit on Twitter.

[2082] I learned about some stuff from my message board.

[2083] Learned about some stuff from interesting friends that, you know, read an interesting article and they're like, dude, you have to check this out.

[2084] This guy made a fucking artificial finger and reattached it to him.

[2085] There's always something nutty that some guy's figuring out.

[2086] or some study that people are doing on.

[2087] You know, it's amazing how much shit is out there.

[2088] If you really start looking.

[2089] Please send me something interesting.

[2090] Go to my board.

[2091] You guys see this dog fuck this chicken.

[2092] Yeah, you got to see the puppy fuck the chicken.

[2093] That sounds really interesting.

[2094] It is hilarious.

[2095] Puppy grabs his chicken, drags it into his dog house, and starts fucking the shit out of it.

[2096] And the chicken's like, are you fucking shit in?

[2097] And the chicken tries to get away.

[2098] The puppy's like, bitch.

[2099] The puppy grabs it, bites him, pulls him back in.

[2100] It's how he's fucking them.

[2101] It's one of my favorite videos out.

[2102] It's outstanding.

[2103] Put it up, Brian.

[2104] Brian's going to put it up, and I'll retweet it.

[2105] It's like a little, I don't know, it could be a lab.

[2106] Who knows what it is?

[2107] What is it?

[2108] A little white dog.

[2109] Yeah, it's like a little.

[2110] It could be a beagle.

[2111] No, not a beagle.

[2112] Yeah, kind of, like, or Jack Russell or where it is.

[2113] Maybe.

[2114] I don't know.

[2115] Who knows?

[2116] It's a puppy.

[2117] It's hard to tell what the hell they are when they're puppies.

[2118] It's a cute little fellow, though, I'll tell you that.

[2119] Cute little fellow fucking the shot of a chicken.

[2120] You know, like, that's what nature is really all about.

[2121] There's another video that I put on my Twitter recently.

[2122] It was a wall where sucking his own dick.

[2123] Oh, that's cool.

[2124] It was outstanding, man. I hear they will crush their own young if they see some pussy they want like on the other side of the beach.

[2125] Really?

[2126] Yeah, like if their own young can be in the way, they will trample and crush them when we get laid.

[2127] That's how hard it has to find pussy in the walrus world.

[2128] Yeah, man. And think about that.

[2129] You're willing to kill your baby for something that looks like a walrus.

[2130] Yeah.

[2131] It looks exactly like the walrus was sucking his own dick.

[2132] It was ridiculous.

[2133] His dick looked like Dave Chappelle's leg.

[2134] It was like this long And this walrus is just deep His own cock I put that on my Twitter as well It's pretty fascinating, man I just posted the video The dog fucking a chicken on my Twitter Backslash red band I think I put it up last night So I don't know if I should retweet it What is the rule on that I think there's ants in my butt hole right now Like a feel Either that or just have a It's got an itch it could be Holy cow My coffee cup has the ants over it Wow I got an amp problem here Brian All right I'm not gonna retweet that You can find that shit What Brian sit down Look at We're broadcasting Go sit down Yeah I see there's ants Yeah I think it was just for Brian I know Like they haven't been messing with me All they're up there I got an ant problem Motherfuckers You know what it is It rains When it rains in L .A., they all come trying to find dry ground and then all the ants they're outside eating dead birds and shit now they're inside little motherfuckers have you sprayed raid around or whatever they is I will tonight it's amazing how ants are like these little monsters that live in your world and you allow them to live in your world because they're tiny you know because if ants were big we would have fucking gigantic problems could you imagine if ants were like the size of rats if they bait you and die imagine they were that big you know how terrifying that would be ants would rip your arms off if were that big.

[2135] If ants were the size of rats, they're so strong, they would mangle you.

[2136] They would drag you to the top of a tree and drop you off.

[2137] You would all be dead for sure.

[2138] We would all be dead.

[2139] And that's just, you know, a few thousand times bigger than they are.

[2140] We just deal with the fact that they're in our little world and these colonies where we don't even know how they communicate with each other and they all follow in a fucking straight line back to the hive and they got a queen in there and there's larva and eggs and that little fucking cunt.

[2141] She's shitting out new baby ants constantly while we're here talking.

[2142] Somewhere in my house.

[2143] to him over my house.

[2144] I used to find out where it is.

[2145] Probably.

[2146] And there's something going on in here somewhere.

[2147] Under a plate somewhere.

[2148] They can't they...

[2149] They can handle how much hundreds of times their body weight?

[2150] Yeah, hundreds of times.

[2151] They're monsters.

[2152] If ants were like full -sized as like size of a human or a dog or something like that, they would literally like a scene from the alien.

[2153] They would just rip people apart and eat you alive.

[2154] They would have no problem killing you.

[2155] I mean, they're heartless, emotionless monsters, you know?

[2156] They just haven't been little monsters.

[2157] But so are most of them.

[2158] animals, you know, most animals are.

[2159] I mean, you ever see, like, the shit chimps will do to each other?

[2160] You know, you see shit that dogs will do to each other, or, you know, animals cannibalizing on each other?

[2161] I mean, that shit happens all the time in the animal world.

[2162] Chimps rip, rip other chimps apart.

[2163] Yeah, kill them.

[2164] Eat them.

[2165] Yeah, yeah.

[2166] Yeah, they'll eat them.

[2167] And they will, if you, like, the chimps cannibalize their babies, too sometimes.

[2168] Do they their babies?

[2169] Yeah.

[2170] I know they'll peel, they will peel chunks of of skin off of you like it's fucking bacon strips, man. Yeah, they're, they're so strong.

[2171] mangle you.

[2172] You're like an old sheet to them.

[2173] There was a chimp recently a bonobo.

[2174] Bonobos were supposed to be the really peaceful ones that fuck all the time.

[2175] They got video photos of a bonobo female cannibalizing her dead baby.

[2176] Her baby died and she just started eating it.

[2177] Ooh, you know?

[2178] That's dark, dude.

[2179] Yeah.

[2180] That's dark.

[2181] That's spooky shit.

[2182] All right, let's take some questions here.

[2183] I think we're already over the two hour mark.

[2184] Yeah, we're right out.

[2185] How long do you do it for?

[2186] Two and a half hours.

[2187] There's a go.

[2188] It's so fascinating.

[2189] such good talk here and it's 589 people we're up to 780 what here's a good question this guy asked Nick Nick TKD 2000 what do you think about Hollis Gracie getting effed up Hollis Gracie is the the great Gracie uh the greatest Gracie ever supposedly is this guy Hollis Gracie who's like the guy was one of Hickson's original training partners his son just entered the UFC and lost this weekend and everybody's like real down on the guy because he didn't have a very good performance and his, you know, his fight, you know, he got kind of beat up and everybody expected more from him.

[2190] But it ain't easy, man. It's not an easy fucking sport.

[2191] You go in there, there's a tremendous amount of pressure on these guys, and it's hard for people to deal with, you know, and some people, they need to be, you know, they need to have some bad, bad experiences so that they learn from it and then, you know, either bounce back or realize this isn't what I want to do, you know, but some people, they just don't realize the magnitude of the event until they actually get there, until they're under the bright lights and they're actually fighting a guy and they're like holy shit like what did I get myself into that's got to be so crazy yeah the adrenaline dump is tremendous you know it's so nervous and so much adrenaline pumps out and you know that's why a guy like randy cotour has such incredible endurance one of the reasons besides the fact they trained so hard is that the dude is so relaxed he's been there so many times you know when he gets in there he's not freaking out dumb question cannabis equals weed yes yes cannabis equals weed yeah you know the funny thing when marijuana was made illegal.

[2192] Most people don't even know this.

[2193] Congress didn't even know they were making marijuana illegal.

[2194] Or they didn't know they were making cannabis illegal rather.

[2195] Cannabis was like a hemp.

[2196] Hemp was, they used it for fiber.

[2197] They used it to make clothes and all kinds of different things.

[2198] And when it was made illegal, it was because they started printing in the paper stories saying that blacks and Mexicans were smoking this new drug and they were raping white women.

[2199] And that's what got people into, that's how it got people behind the whole anti - marijuana movement.

[2200] That's where Reef for Madness, all that shit came from.

[2201] So I have those posters up on my wall I've got all those videos Reeframatic though They're goddamn hilarious They're amazing If you haven't seen them You got to see what kind of shit They put out And they put it out Just because they wanted to make sure that people didn't It's like there's a lot of bad things That can happen If you're in control And people get a hold of pot And you know There's good things to keeping it illegal You know You can make much more money With pharmaceutical drugs You can sell people What you want to sell You can control those drugs And you know you can't control shit if marijuana becomes legal it's something anybody can grow it's like real easy to grow I've met idiots that grow weed you know yeah it's not hard you know you can figure it out people can't get their life together at all but they can grow some wheat it's just economics that's the real reason why marijuana is illegal but blacks and Mexicans will rape white women if they do smoke weed white guys will rape white women too oh yeah but not this yeah same thing bro Reef for Madness Rocks.

[2202] I agree, young man. It was also the paper company, yes, newspapers, yeah.

[2203] William Randolph Hearst.

[2204] William Randolph Hurst owned the newspaper companies.

[2205] He owned, you know, Hearst Publications, but he also owned printing, rather paper mills.

[2206] And so he had like forests filled with trees.

[2207] And when they wanted to convert everything over to hemp paper, because hemp makes a much better paper.

[2208] He did not want to do that.

[2209] It would have cost him millions of dollars.

[2210] It would have fucked up his whole business.

[2211] He would have had to chop all his trees down and then start planting hemp.

[2212] And then they'd be in competition with all these other people that are making paper.

[2213] It was an economic decision.

[2214] So when he was getting people to ban marijuana, they didn't even know they were banning hemp, this industrial plant that they had been using for hundreds and thousands of years.

[2215] It's really kind of fascinating that the propaganda that that guy created in the 1930s when he owned all the newspapers is really still in place today.

[2216] I mean, people still believe it today.

[2217] It's a pretty brilliant business strategy too, right?

[2218] He was a motherfucker, man. I mean, that was the guy that Orson, Wells made that movie Rosebud about him.

[2219] No, when it was a movie?

[2220] Citizen King.

[2221] Wait, isn't that, is that Hughes, Howard Hughes?

[2222] I thought it was William Brown off Hurst.

[2223] Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's Hurst, yeah.

[2224] So, Hurst is the one who, yeah, who, uh, I mean, he was just like, the guy, he was like the guy, he was like the guy, he was like the first motherfucker that controlled everything, man. That is really fascinating now that it was a paper because I got, yeah.

[2225] I mean, really amazing.

[2226] Brian, you getting chewed up Yeah.

[2227] I think there must be an ant hill underneath his car.

[2228] I think you can relax, fella.

[2229] Settle them.

[2230] It's fucking bad.

[2231] They're going to sit bad, man. They're eating me mad.

[2232] And those girls right now that are yelling at you.

[2233] Girls are telling you suck it up.

[2234] It's just an ant.

[2235] Wow, you don't have ants in your asshole.

[2236] Whoa, damn, dude.

[2237] So they said to you?

[2238] You do have ants in your asshole, though.

[2239] It feels like I have at least two.

[2240] Dude, dude.

[2241] They're kissing.

[2242] Wow, this show's going downhill.

[2243] Way to go, Brian.

[2244] Well, it's over two hours.

[2245] We should never go over two hours.

[2246] Don't tell me what to do.

[2247] We should totally stay in two hours.

[2248] We're in the groove right now.

[2249] It gets a point where it's just like, ugh.

[2250] You think?

[2251] Yeah.

[2252] That's when you don't have to watch it anymore, faggot.

[2253] Go tune to something else.

[2254] All right, we'll answer one more question, then we'll get the fuck out of here.

[2255] Because, yeah, it's almost three hours, actually.

[2256] Brian's getting phone calls.

[2257] Where are you?

[2258] Where are you, Brian?

[2259] people who are watching the video where the Walrusuck is on deck now.

[2260] See, I told you, the shit is real homing.

[2261] The shit is real.

[2262] It's out there.

[2263] That sounds amazing.

[2264] You got to watch it, man. How come you haven't watched already?

[2265] Because you're not on the broken board.

[2266] You can watch the puppy and the chicken, please.

[2267] You can watch the puppy and the chicken.

[2268] Now, this is the part that if we were doing a podcast, it was an audio podcast, I would say, we should edit out the last 20 minutes.

[2269] They didn't talk about jack shit.

[2270] See, that's why I'm saying.

[2271] It should be that way, I think.

[2272] Yeah, we should time.

[2273] motherfucker we should time it for two hours ladies and gentlemen because this is ridiculous we're bored you're bored I'm bored um so I think we're going to end now Tom Segura any last thing to say to all these nice people um join your Twitter come on my Twitter thank you for it right right right come see me at I'm here at oh I'm at the Endmore Theatre in Australia oh shit I'm at the Endmore Theatre in Australia next Saturday night Tom Sigurah will be with me at the Endmore Theatre in Sydney Australia Frickin Fostus will yeah we're throwing shrimp's on the barbie like a motherfucker.

[2274] Come to my website, thomasigua .com.

[2275] S -E -G -U -R -A .com.

[2276] Joe Rogan .net is mine, as you can spell it out, my shit.

[2277] Am I doing a show in Boston and August?

[2278] Yes.

[2279] Most of the time when there's a UFC, I'll do a show the day before the UFC.

[2280] It's very convenient.

[2281] So that's it, ladies and gentlemen.

[2282] Thank you very much for tuning in.

[2283] I know this shit is haphazard.

[2284] It doesn't start on time.

[2285] And it goes too long.

[2286] There's a lot of rambling.

[2287] but you know this is what it is shit it's free and I do it because I love you and it's fun thanks for being here Tom Secura and it's always more interesting right when it's not just me talking to you all right my friends until next week we'll see you next Wednesday oh next Wednesday I gotta fly to Australia so I'll probably do this again next Tuesday so hollow back bitches thank you very much and I'll see you next week