236 - Like A Quilt

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] Hello.

[2] And welcome to my favorite murder.

[3] The podcast, the true crime comedy podcast starring Georgia Hard Start.

[4] Hi, and Karen Kilgariff.

[5] Hi.

[6] How are you?

[7] Welcome, everyone.

[8] How are you?

[9] Answer the question.

[10] How's your pandemic going?

[11] How is the full global meltdown working out for you?

[12] Did you see there was a story about how in Wuhan province, China, they had.

[13] a huge like pool party with thousands of people because they could finally they're finally opened up again.

[14] Okay.

[15] And it's okay.

[16] I'm, it must be.

[17] I would hope that they're making, you know, good decisions.

[18] They started all this quarantining.

[19] So I think they're saying we're finally done with it.

[20] Look, I'm, I'm as bored as everyone else, but I feel like I wouldn't go to that.

[21] I would need two solid gears of inoculations and some guarantees.

[22] Yeah.

[23] Also just, um, It's the kind of thing.

[24] That's such a good point because when I saw the story, I was like, oh, yeah.

[25] And I was like, A, pool party never.

[26] No. B, unless it's my own private.

[27] Yeah.

[28] B, like a nighttime pool party, which is like every horrible L .A. party you've ever thought was a good idea.

[29] And then when you showed up, you were like, this is a, this is a zombie.

[30] I wore the wrong thing.

[31] No matter what you wore, it was the wrong fucking thing.

[32] Yes.

[33] And no matter where you stand, you're in a bad spot.

[34] Right.

[35] and there is no we also don't there's not immunity to this yet because just because you had it doesn't mean you're now immune to it that's not how diseases work no unless they're unless it's being kept from us we don't know anything about how this disease works whatsoever i feel like a pool party is a little premature but i am not a doctor nor have i ever um pretended to be one hold on why do you have that a medical advice podcast then it doesn't make sense why would you open yourself The Amateur Medical Advice podcast.

[36] Put bactine on it.

[37] Spit on it.

[38] And put some bactine in your mouth and spit on it.

[39] You know what you need to do is suck out the bacteria and then put in snake poison.

[40] Yes.

[41] Spit it in.

[42] Leach is from everywhere from head to toe.

[43] Leach your shit.

[44] And then here comes the merch that says leach your shit on the front of it.

[45] that people don't understand what it means.

[46] Your mom's upset.

[47] Your cousin's asking questions.

[48] We're doing it again.

[49] We are having it at it.

[50] We are.

[51] As we tend to do.

[52] Going for it.

[53] No, we don't know where you are right now while you're listening to this.

[54] Mentally.

[55] Yeah.

[56] Mentally or literally.

[57] Where I am personally, it's 106 degrees outside, which is not common for California.

[58] Especially Los Angeles.

[59] We're having this crazy heat wave.

[60] But none of us are leaving a house anyway, so.

[61] Right.

[62] It doesn't matter, but it's, if you're okay with, it's just like my, there's no air conditioning ducked into the bathroom.

[63] Oh, no. So, like, you go into the bathroom and it's like muggy.

[64] It's like a tropical, uh, tropical storm.

[65] That's the most important place for air conditioning because blow drying your hair, like, the thing of getting out of the shower and immediately sweating again is my fucking least, like, remember last week I postponed a meeting we were having because.

[66] I was like, I'm sweating out of the shower, so I can't take this meeting.

[67] Nothing feels worse.

[68] I don't remember that being the reason because anytime you're like, hey, do you mind if I'm all caps guessing you so hard, postpone, everything.

[69] Anything.

[70] Please always.

[71] Please cancel all day.

[72] You love yes anding my laziness or my whatever it is.

[73] Your needs.

[74] It's you.

[75] It's you choosing to have needs and just declaring them.

[76] I think it's important.

[77] It's hard for us to do sometimes.

[78] There's times we're just like, you know what?

[79] I can't get on this Zoom.

[80] I can't do it.

[81] No. And I don't have to.

[82] Even though you know I'm here by myself sitting here staring, I still don't have to get on that Zoom with you.

[83] That's my right as an American in 2020.

[84] Thank you.

[85] What were we talking about?

[86] Listen, I've been meaning to ask you this for a while now ever since we've been Zooming at home and recording at home.

[87] Is there a framed photo?

[88] Because there's like, you're sitting in front of like, some nice family frame photos.

[89] Is there a two -headed person framed in one of those photos?

[90] Let's go over and take a look.

[91] From where I'm sitting, it's a man's body with two heads on it.

[92] No, let me go get that.

[93] I'll tell you what I do.

[94] Oh, my gosh, it does look like a friend.

[95] Doesn't it?

[96] Whoa.

[97] What is that?

[98] I've been wondering for months and never asked.

[99] I feel like now's as good a time as any.

[100] What were you talking about?

[101] I was saying I've just been watching.

[102] I've just been noticing it and never said anything for months.

[103] but now is as good a time as any to ask you.

[104] Yes.

[105] What the hell that is?

[106] This is a gift that was given to me at the end of a job by America's sweetheart and Banana Boys star, Scotty Landis.

[107] It's a picture of Craig T. Nelson from Coach because that's how we met is he was a writer and I was the head writer on a talk show.

[108] And so he gave me, it was a signed photo by Craig T. Nelson of him as coach.

[109] But you can't see the signature anymore because it's, sat on my desk at my old house and it got exposed to the sun but you can see how I would think that he's holding a football like up facing up so it looks like a two -headed person but it's not it's coach with a football it's coach and his best friend the football Stephen can we get that up on the Instagram for this episode please thank you yeah please and thank you all right well we've solved that mystery any other questions or concerns about what's in the background of my Zoom just email us at MFM Queries and quizzes.

[110] Send it there.

[111] Definitely send it there.

[112] You know what I was going to say is it is crazy boiling hot like unlike any even though it's been getting hotter lately today just went nuts and I'm drinking a very large cup of hot coffee right now just like the Bedouins do out in the desert.

[113] I'm drinking some black tea and water.

[114] Oh it's iced.

[115] A little bit of wist.

[116] ski in there.

[117] Sweet.

[118] Because it's...

[119] What's that drink called?

[120] George is having a day.

[121] George is having a day.

[122] Put it in there.

[123] It's that feeling of...

[124] I've been doing some...

[125] When the commercial comes on where there's a bunch of people standing in a bar starting to have a fake, funny conversation, it genuinely makes me want to cry.

[126] Uh -oh.

[127] Hold on.

[128] The male lady's here and she's coming up to the front door.

[129] Uh -oh.

[130] Tell her.

[131] her.

[132] We appreciate her and thank you for your service and we support you and we've been pushing your merch Mr. Zip or big fans of Mr. Zip.

[133] You can get little outfits for your small dogs to make it look like you're carrying the mail.

[134] Small dogs are large cats.

[135] That's pretty adorable.

[136] Which she got.

[137] Oh, she's going to have to leave it there anyway.

[138] I'm actually getting a thing delivered.

[139] Oh, that's fun.

[140] Like at USPS as we speak.

[141] There we go.

[142] Hey, hey.

[143] I said you could stay in here if you didn't bark.

[144] that was like a stare down and then yeah almost oh my god that's sharp oh hi george Stephen take a photo of that Georgie is this what you do when I'm not here is this what you do when I'm not here you stare out the window go go get up on that bed George thanks for the warning no problem um shit wait I had a specific this This post person, I was singing some of the things I like to do in my day, a little exposure, is I'll go ahead and put in the old earbuds and then just, I'm now the lead singer of the yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, or whatever, right?

[145] I think many of us do, especially if you're by yourself.

[146] And with the freedom, I just have to go around and make sure all the windows and doors are closed because I've definitely done that where it's full concert and the side windows open.

[147] and I'm like, it's such, it's so early in our relationship for my neighbors to be like, oh, no. There's never a good time for your neighbors to hear you singing.

[148] So the other day, and I'm pretty sure it was, wait, by the yeah, yeah, yeah, yes.

[149] Oh, so good.

[150] Maps, maps, thank you.

[151] Such a good sense.

[152] I was like, wait.

[153] Maps by the yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's really delivering that.

[154] And I turned around because I did the dog did something.

[155] and the male person was just standing there staring at me through the kitchen window.

[156] No. And it could have been, I didn't have my glasses on, so they could have been doing something, you know, like on a clipboard and I just didn't see it or whatever.

[157] But to me, it just looked like they were standing there, staring with their mouth open, like, what is she?

[158] Just so disappointed in their lives because of what happened when they caught you.

[159] They're like, where am I going?

[160] If I'm just catching people singing, this is my job.

[161] Yeah, exactly.

[162] I mean, I don't know why we didn't request this earlier, but can, can mail people write us please and tell us like their craziest experience or they're like, you know, some interesting story for hometowns, please?

[163] Like, just tell us what it's like to be a postal worker.

[164] I'm dying to know.

[165] That would be incredible.

[166] Well, because also, and the people that, um, also the people that deliver on foot.

[167] So you're getting whatever your weird experiences in the car, but then there's also all the experiences you get just walking around neighborhoods yes walking around neighborhoods like tell us like what you know what what should we do to support you guys more should what do you like when we leave you for the holidays you know like what what what's it like I want to I want a day in the life plus a weird crazy story from male people and people love it yeah that'd be fun that'd be great good idea let's do that what was I thought you were going to say we want to hear what people are doing to fill their time during the day to make themselves not go crazy.

[168] And aside from watching TV or listening to podcasts, aside from media, how do you fill those additional hours of the day?

[169] Like, for example, you give a three to five thousand person concert as the great lead singer of a band that's never existed or something along those lines.

[170] I know this will eat up a half an hour if I do this for a while.

[171] God, I don't even know what I do.

[172] here's what here's what some people are doing back into the media today because we're recording this on Tuesday the 18th today was the first day of the hearings of the golden state killer trial where victims got to come and give either their own victim impact report or that of a family member who couldn't be there amazing they're doing that until Friday when they sentence him fuck yes I love that even though he pleaded pled guilty he we still get to hear and the victims still get to speak their fucking, you know, lives and their trauma.

[173] So it's like, I love that still part of it.

[174] It's so important.

[175] Yeah, it's great.

[176] I want to hear everything about it.

[177] And Paul Holes is there, right?

[178] Yep.

[179] In person.

[180] That's what he said in that email.

[181] Yeah.

[182] You guys, Paul Holes emails us.

[183] Guys, sometimes I'll drop an email just to catch up.

[184] As Paul Holes boss, as Paul Holes bosses who control his career in our Pompom's.

[185] of our hands.

[186] No, we don't.

[187] We just like to tell him that.

[188] But it is kind of exciting that he would email us and be like, well, I'm up here in Sacramento for the, and we're just like, really?

[189] Good.

[190] It's exactly where you should be.

[191] Of course you are.

[192] Oh, I love it.

[193] It's very, well, and it's also just like the conclusion, the thing, the inevitable conclusion of a thing that no one ever thought was ever going to have one.

[194] And it's happening.

[195] And, you know.

[196] Yeah.

[197] 40 years.

[198] It's never going to be fulfilling.

[199] He'll never speak about it, I bet.

[200] He's such a piece of shit.

[201] He'll never cop up to the fact that he is pretending to be a feeble old man. Right.

[202] Which we all know is bullshit.

[203] Yeah.

[204] I think that's well -known, well -known rumor that he and his private time is in no way feeble old man. But that's a rumor.

[205] That's the kind of thing that absolutely would kick up around something like this.

[206] But still, it's great.

[207] You love hearing it because you're just like, yeah.

[208] And also, it's the thing we were talking about last week where it's just like, there's no, he's not going to have a crisis of conscience and then say something satisfying.

[209] None of that is part of it.

[210] But it doesn't matter.

[211] It's not about him.

[212] It's not.

[213] It's about those people standing up and being like, you fucking monster.

[214] You're a monster.

[215] I get to say it.

[216] Yeah.

[217] You're just a man. Yeah.

[218] You're not a monster and you're not supernatural and you don't have any powers over me. except for the fact that you were so creepy and crazy that you did what you did.

[219] But now that's over.

[220] Let's do exactly right corner real quick.

[221] Yeah.

[222] Our podcast network.

[223] What's going on the old network this week?

[224] That's right.

[225] This just in.

[226] What's going on this week?

[227] Well, I'm glad you asked, Karen.

[228] Bridger Winigers, I said no gifts.

[229] How's the wonderful Lacey Mosley, aka scam goddess on?

[230] Oh, the scam goddess.

[231] If you haven't listened to scam goddess and you like stories about people getting ripped off and people ripping people off, go over to the scam goddess on your wolf.

[232] And listen to her on, I said, no gifts.

[233] Yeah, I get a taste on Bridger show.

[234] See what happens.

[235] And then go over and try scam goddess.

[236] God, there's nothing better.

[237] And then this week on this podcast will kill you.

[238] The errands are talking about sickle cell disease and they have guests who are sharing their first -hand experiences with sickle cell.

[239] And they also talk about genome editing tools to create genetic conditions.

[240] It's a really interesting episode.

[241] If you're at all interested in sickle cell disease or don't know anything about it, this is a really great episode.

[242] So that's...

[243] Yeah, go learn.

[244] It's a fascinating thing that, like, they're basically, they're fixing, like, genome science and all that...

[245] Oh, my God.

[246] Insane.

[247] Atomic...

[248] Atomic surgeries and stuff like that.

[249] Thank you, smart people.

[250] Yeah, for real.

[251] Also, just really quick, on bananas this week, friend of the family, Mandy Johnson, is on with Scotty and Kurt.

[252] She is a producer for the long -running independent stand -up show here in L .A. called Super Serious.

[253] And she has made a book of photography that's all the pictures she takes of the comics before their sets.

[254] And then she interviewed like 50 comics to talk about that book.

[255] So she's on bananas doing stories with them, but then she's kind of there to plug that book a little bit.

[256] And she's definitely a friend of the family.

[257] She did our first photo shoot together in my apartment, my old apartment, remember?

[258] Yeah.

[259] She's been with us.

[260] She was the photographer at the Santa Barbara weekend and our big L .A. show.

[261] She's definitely a friend of the family.

[262] Yeah.

[263] She's a good friend of mine.

[264] And this book is, if you're interested in comedy and, you know, the comics that either started in or, like, have made L .A., the L .A. seen their home for the past 10, 15 years.

[265] She's been a huge part of it.

[266] And this book is just a compilation that's all about that.

[267] So if that's an interest of yours, the book's called Super Serious.

[268] Her name's Mandy Johnson.

[269] And I think it's coming out in.

[270] It's out today, I think.

[271] Is it?

[272] Yeah.

[273] Well, today's actually available.

[274] It's out this week.

[275] Yeah.

[276] Amazing.

[277] Yeah.

[278] So you can get it, look it up if that's something you're interested in.

[279] I have a picture in there.

[280] I know you do.

[281] It's a great one of your all -time great.

[282] It's like a one of your all -time great.

[283] She's such a good photographer.

[284] good um and then oh hey let's talk about coosies Karen hey let's do it we have coosies for sale we have a here's the thing fuck everyone coozy and then a coozy with our cool new um fingerprint rainbow design on it and um it has been sold out it got restocked it's so summertime we use coosies here at the house all the time for our canned wines Vince drinks beer exclusively so we are always competing to see whose podcast coozy is going to be used that day.

[285] And they really work.

[286] They do.

[287] I am a big fan.

[288] Cousies.

[289] Yeah.

[290] I'm a big fan of Cousies.

[291] We have so much cool merch right now.

[292] I'm loving everything we have and everything we've got coming in.

[293] It's exciting.

[294] Yeah, if you're looking for something to do during your day, if shopping might be a part of it, don't be afraid to go over to the MFM store.

[295] And just kind of look around.

[296] We really do have a full line of items.

[297] And apparently the fuck you, I'm divorced.

[298] sweatpants are selling like hotcakes.

[299] Amazing.

[300] I love it.

[301] It's my favoritemer .com and then there's like a store link you can go to.

[302] And my friend, Heather, Anthony, a shout out.

[303] What's up?

[304] She made the suggestion.

[305] Now we should make sweatpants.

[306] Let's say, fuck you, I'm remarried.

[307] I love it.

[308] We just keep following relationship arcs of women's relationship arcs through sweatpants.

[309] What about fuck you?

[310] It's complicated.

[311] Can we do that?

[312] that's right how about fuck you i don't owe you an explanation it's none of your business just because it's the holidays and i'm sitting at your dinner table fuck you i'm single would be great to wear to holiday parties or like you know the weekend at your family's house for yeah if if you're not in quarantine when you realize that you probably need your sweats pants to speak for you yeah yeah like it's loud and proud and you need it and i'm proud of you and i'm loud at you i'm loud at you but i'm More than that, I'm proud at you.

[313] Let me see.

[314] Do I have anything else?

[315] Did you watch the show, Dave?

[316] I might not talk about it if you haven't.

[317] I have not.

[318] You know what show we just started watching?

[319] It premiered on Sunday.

[320] It's so good.

[321] Hold on.

[322] Let me look it up really quick.

[323] It's called Lovecraft Country.

[324] Yes.

[325] Do you love it?

[326] Yes.

[327] It's amazing.

[328] Oh, my God.

[329] Lovecraft Country.

[330] It's so good.

[331] Yeah.

[332] And it ended on such a cliffhanger.

[333] I'm so excited to keep watching it.

[334] This might be incorrect.

[335] It's just an observation and it could be incorrect.

[336] But what's exciting to me is it feels to me like there's going to be this new wave of black -centric stories in media, especially in like TV and that kind of like fancy TV, where it's not about that.

[337] We're just getting heroes and experiences and it's just being treated like every other, any other story.

[338] yeah instead of having to be you know like it's not typical and it's not um it's just like everything else it's sci -fi it's just fucking cool sci -fi it's historic it's interesting because it is yeah there's so much to learn as well that that sundown fucking towns and there was a guidebook for black people how to travel across the country without going to the wrong places which is so heartbreakingly awful but it's like true and such a strange secret i honestly believe a lot of people were very upset because green book was such a whitewashed version of that story and that makes perfect sense to me but the idea that we're just learning about that i mean like i'm just learning about that in you know in 20 whenever that was 18 or 19 yeah it's just so crazy it's just like it's yeah it's the second they walked into that shop first of all i got teary -eyed because I want to go into a store and browse again just really lame just the straight immediate like fucking like immediate is I miss shopping I miss I miss going into a store that's set up cool which is that's first store he went into that had the green book in the front window oh I never saw that yeah it was like right at the beginning and he was going in to talk to it well anyway it doesn't know I'm sorry I thought you meant green book yeah okay they got oh no sorry in the in the in our country and the just the it was supposed to you know because it's supposed to be the 50s right I think it's like oh no it's like right it's real I think it's late 40s because it's super post oh no it's post Korea so yeah you're right so probably mid 50s or early 60s no 50s I'm saying Korea as if I know when Korea was it's 50s 50s Korea was in the 50s yeah okay so it's 50s I know that from mash um it doesn't matter the point is that he's in this beautiful store That is because they made it look like the time.

[339] So nothing in the store.

[340] It looks like a vintage shop is what it is.

[341] And it has all these windows.

[342] So it's like the regular front windows.

[343] But then they also have the top line, which there's a bunch of stores in my hometown that have this too.

[344] It was like store, if your store faced the west, then there is extra windows at the top that brought in even more light so that your light wasn't affected by the tall building is across the street anyway.

[345] The whole thing was just very like, remember when we could just go into a store and stand around and not think about anything.

[346] Yeah.

[347] It's good.

[348] It's exciting.

[349] It's like I fucking love sci -fi to begin with, but it's also like an adventure story.

[350] It's also, you know, heartbreaking.

[351] It's beautiful.

[352] The opening itself where I was like, wait, who is the Red Lady?

[353] What is happening?

[354] What is this whole thing?

[355] It was so perfectly done.

[356] And then they're not.

[357] Yeah.

[358] So Lovecraft Country, the first episode is out.

[359] I wish I could binge it.

[360] Let's all watch it and talk about it every week.

[361] I mean, because there, I was like, this show is going to suffer no matter how good it is because it has to replace my Sunday night, Perry Mason.

[362] Well, we have room in our heart now.

[363] We do.

[364] It's HBO, too, right?

[365] It's HBO.

[366] No, Prime.

[367] What?

[368] HBO, yeah, yeah.

[369] So the thing you can rely on with HBO is they know how to the teams they hire, where it's completely.

[370] You're never just going to get great actors or just going to get, you know, pretty cool looking set.

[371] But then, like, they just know how to turn in the entire perfect paper and get an A plus on it.

[372] Yeah.

[373] So it just, like, the second it started, I was like, oh, thank you.

[374] It's easier to let go of that one when this one you're delivering right into my hands.

[375] It has, it's the same thing where it's period.

[376] It's perfectly produced.

[377] Beautiful.

[378] The outfits are incredible.

[379] Everyone looks so fucking good.

[380] Yeah, big fan.

[381] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[382] Absolutely.

[383] And when you say vintage, you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash.

[384] Exactly.

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[397] important note that promo code is all lowercase go to shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today that's shopify .com slash murder goodbye so should we explain what we're going to be doing today story wise yes this was this is great so we have so many live shows that we've done of course we've posted a lot and then we have and they're all you know these fun shows we had the best time at then we have some shows um we're either you know we did them the night before so there kind of repeats in the beginning but the stories we did are the murder stories are still you know mean a lot to us and they were great and we still want to play them even though we can't play the entire show so we yeah that we well i was just going to say there's also the piece of it too where we used to in the early days and some of you remember this we would we would do two shows a night and that almost always meant that it was basically the same it we'd never do the same stories for both shows.

[398] We learned that quickly when we did that the first time in Seattle.

[399] And saw the faces in the front row go, oh, why did I buy tickets to both of these?

[400] Or the people in the meet and greet that were like, are you going to do the same thing?

[401] Oh.

[402] And then I was just like, oh, no, that's true.

[403] This is two separate shows.

[404] Increasing our homework load.

[405] That much more.

[406] But so, yeah, so some of these are, some of the shows are, it reflects directly that we are, this, we are now on.

[407] hour five of performing.

[408] We'll just say that.

[409] There's no judgment.

[410] There's always people that are like, my city didn't get posted and that means this.

[411] And it's like, no, release the storyline of whatever reasoning you think it is.

[412] It's usually something much weirder and more specific than that.

[413] But what we want to do is get the greatest hits out of there.

[414] So that's what we've done.

[415] Steven's gone through and listened through and pulled the stories that are like, this one's great.

[416] Yeah.

[417] These are usable stories.

[418] Yeah.

[419] And then so we're going to do.

[420] almost like you said today, like a quilt where it's like Karen's story from this city and my story from this city.

[421] And that's really great hometown.

[422] That's so sad.

[423] It's languishing.

[424] And like it should be because there's so many great hometowns that like never got posted except this week.

[425] Right.

[426] We're posting.

[427] Maybe the worst hometown we've ever had.

[428] I argue.

[429] I argue you and say the best hometown we've ever had.

[430] The simply the best hometown we've ever had.

[431] We'll introduce it.

[432] We'll get to it.

[433] So my story this week is from our North Charleston.

[434] show in South Carolina it takes I did the story on September 21st 2018 which actually was the first of our fall tour that year and Hurricane Florence was going on oh yes that time and so there's flooding everywhere so we had done Durham the night before we were supposed to drive to North Charleston ended up having to fly because all the roads were closed yeah right remember that I do and it was a really great theater um and I did the old exchange Provost Dungeon story.

[435] So there's a bunch of like people who had been jailed there, ghosts that people saw, lots of like creepy stories from it, which I, is one of my favorite things to do is just like take a place like Disneyland or whatever and be like, here are the fucked up stories from it.

[436] So that's what you guys are going to hear today, North Charleston Pacific Arts Center.

[437] I think so probably.

[438] So this is from the North Charleston Performing Arts Center on September 21st, 2018, in January.

[439] Joy.

[440] This is so comfortable.

[441] All right.

[442] Well, I'm going first tonight, right?

[443] Yes, you are.

[444] Guys, you know how much I love American history.

[445] That's one thing everyone knows about me. This is just my thing.

[446] So, with that, I am going to do the Provost Dungeon.

[447] Oh.

[448] Is it historical?

[449] It's so historical.

[450] And hysterical.

[451] Okay, Karen, let me give you a history lesson.

[452] Please.

[453] And I bet you guys have heard this story in elementary school for so much.

[454] I think you guys did plays about it and everyone had to be a thing and everything happened.

[455] Plays about a dungeon?

[456] Yeah, it's like historical.

[457] A historical budget.

[458] Yes, it's a historical.

[459] So, like, everyone did plays.

[460] Okay.

[461] So, but we, in California, we don't talk about that, this stuff.

[462] So, this is all.

[463] We just get high and surf.

[464] That's fucking right.

[465] You go to surf class, you go to stoner class.

[466] You go to snack class.

[467] And then you go back to stoner class.

[468] And take a nap.

[469] And you stand by a tree.

[470] But it turns out that no historical landmark in Charleston is as well recognized as the old exchange in Provost dungeon, Karen.

[471] At the intersection.

[472] What?

[473] Let me say it wrong?

[474] Good.

[475] Shut up.

[476] It's at the intersection.

[477] Karen Kish, you want to go there later, of Broad Street and East Bay Street.

[478] Amazing streets.

[479] Is it apartments now?

[480] Do you guys live there?

[481] The exchange was constructed on the site of a half -moon bastion, which is just where they fight.

[482] I had to look all this shit up, which is just where they would, like, shoot the fucking people from.

[483] Not like this.

[484] Yeah, a bastion, that's right.

[485] Okay, but like with cannonballs.

[486] Boom, sure.

[487] The exchange was made in 1767 as a mercantile exchange and customs house, which is basically like where you get your shit.

[488] You do your city stuff, like, you know, mail letters and stuff.

[489] So this was long ago before they had stores and ammo.

[490] Anything.

[491] Mom?

[492] That's Teresa Caputo.

[493] Teresa Caputo's here.

[494] And she's pissed.

[495] Uh -huh.

[496] So beneath the fucking where people are doing everyday business, though, is a fucking.

[497] legit dungeon.

[498] Like, how often do you see a dungeon?

[499] I mean, you guys see it a lot, but...

[500] It's been called one of the worst prisons in U .S. history.

[501] Prisoners were subject to anything that happened, which would be contagious diseases, there was no fresh air, there was contaminated food, fucking rats hanging out.

[502] Always rats.

[503] And they were attached to...

[504] Not the rats, but the people were attached to heavy iron shackles, and they were just...

[505] Pretty cute.

[506] The littlest shackles.

[507] Oh, my God.

[508] It's just like seven paper clips.

[509] Rap shackles.

[510] It's like a little ring.

[511] Okay.

[512] And they're left to suffer there in the dungeon until their execution.

[513] So it sucked.

[514] Let's see.

[515] Oh, I have a photo of it.

[516] Let's see if we can figure this thing out.

[517] I bet we can.

[518] Yay!

[519] Ooh!

[520] I didn't bring my glasses.

[521] I have to look closer.

[522] Now, this is Bay Street here?

[523] Just kidding.

[524] She's asking me. Just kidding, I don't care.

[525] So as we always say, when we look at these beautiful historical pictures that are like, oh, my God, it's so incredible.

[526] What did it smell like at that moment on this street?

[527] What did it smell like?

[528] You got to wonder.

[529] Well, there's a pile of donkey shit right here in the foreground.

[530] But it does look beautiful.

[531] You know, it's weird when you see that, and there's no electric poles.

[532] There's no wires of any kind.

[533] Why?

[534] Because they were underground now.

[535] It was wireless.

[536] Wireless.

[537] You're not that into my observation.

[538] Yeah.

[539] So the majestic building, as you just saw, that's the old exchange.

[540] It's built by the British and 774 to accommodate the needs of the trading and shipping business.

[541] Yeah.

[542] Sure, bartering.

[543] Sure.

[544] That flourished in that harbor, bartering, et cetera.

[545] Peltz.

[546] And it served as spices.

[547] And spices.

[548] Spices of all kinds.

[549] Tea, I bet you guys did that play.

[550] Yeah, the tea.

[551] They love tea.

[552] And Duran Duran was always there.

[553] It was also the cultural center of old Charlestown.

[554] They called it.

[555] I'm not saying it wrong, but from now on I will call it Charleston, because I don't want to get yelled at.

[556] But at the time, it was called Charlestown.

[557] That's what it says with an E on the end of town.

[558] It's like, what?

[559] Fucking nerves.

[560] Like, get hip.

[561] God.

[562] How small are you?

[563] glass has Ben Franklin.

[564] Out of here.

[565] So the building has a shit ton of American history.

[566] I got that quote from a history book.

[567] It was where the Declaration of Independence was publicly read to South Carolinians and where...

[568] Is that real?

[569] It doesn't matter of her.

[570] South Carolinians.

[571] Man, sorry.

[572] South Carolinians.

[573] I've never heard of anything before.

[574] We've never heard of anything before.

[575] I've heard anything.

[576] We're new.

[577] We come out of a pod and walk on stage.

[578] We're new here.

[579] And where South Carolina ratified the U .S. Constitution, George Washington used to fucking chill at banquets there and, like, dance and stuff.

[580] Always leaning.

[581] He was just like, I'm here.

[582] Always chilling.

[583] But underneath all this lovely shit going on is a place where prisoners were subject to fucking unspeakable torture that I'm going to speakable about right now.

[584] Like one floor below.

[585] Yeah, there's three.

[586] floors and it's like nice floor George watching how I'm out here it's fucking torture everyone and let the rats hang out here I kind of love that it's all in one building it's just it's kind of it's like an early mall that's really convenient it's also like it's also that it still exists and you can take tours of it including the dungeon being like we're not we're going to pretend that this didn't happen let's just not open that floor it's like no no this whole it was great but for a lot of people it sucked yeah sucked a lot like today So, the whole building, of course, is haunted.

[587] I'm not going to say allegedly, because I believe it.

[588] No, I don't.

[589] So they say the ghosts upstairs.

[590] I thought you said goats.

[591] Goats took over the third floor.

[592] And they started arresting everyone and setting them down to the dungeon.

[593] And they haunt, now they hunt the rats.

[594] Goat ghosts are the scariest ghosts.

[595] Oh, my God.

[596] Have you guys seen?

[597] a goat ghost.

[598] The horns on those goat ghosts are nuts.

[599] Really sharp.

[600] Mm -hmm.

[601] Mm -hmm.

[602] So, of course, on the, like, the top two floors that are, like, nice and classy and shit, the ghosts are, like, nice and classy and shit.

[603] So, so goes the floor.

[604] And they walk like this?

[605] They walk like this.

[606] Except for George Washington.

[607] I wrote, the ghost upstairs and the old exchange are typically less pissed off than those in the former dungeon.

[608] I would imagine.

[609] imagine?

[610] They were like, I'm going to spend eternity sipping tea out of this cup.

[611] Yeah, and they're like, I'm not trying to scare you.

[612] Calm down.

[613] Like, they don't do that.

[614] It's now, the whole thing is now a museum operated by the Daughters of the American Revolution.

[615] They bought the building in 1912, and they were like, let's make, let's let people look around.

[616] And the staff all wear revolutionary period clothing.

[617] Fun.

[618] Which has to suck.

[619] I bet they had paid minimum wage.

[620] Well, because you know, I would, it would be interesting to know, but I bet you just get the outfit that's there, right?

[621] Unless you can make one yourself.

[622] It's like when you work at like a theme park and you have to put the head, the head of Mickey Mouse on that someone, it's like you don't get your own Mickey Mouse.

[623] Yeah, and if 9 a .m. to 12 p .m. Mickey Mouse ate Doritos, you're fucking eating Doritos too.

[624] That's right.

[625] It's that feeling, but in like a weird pilgrim dress.

[626] And all the women have to just like wear the shit that's so uncomfortable.

[627] I had a job once where I had to wear overalls and let me tell you, that sucked.

[628] What job was that?

[629] I was a waitress.

[630] I thought you were a farmer.

[631] You're like, I was a cashew farmer in my late teens.

[632] I was a ghost farmer.

[633] Hurting goat ghosts.

[634] It's hard to say.

[635] In my overalls, it is.

[636] It's harder to deal with.

[637] They were 90s overalls?

[638] Can you just describe them?

[639] I was so fresh out of Orange County that they were Dickies overalls.

[640] Sure they were.

[641] Which is like what McKee's.

[642] like, like, people who listen to social distortion and our mechanics were, which is fine, great, I'm good with that.

[643] It didn't look at on me. It's fine.

[644] But what kind of a restaurant makes you wear Dickie's overalls?

[645] It was like a country themed.

[646] It was like country themed.

[647] In Santa Monica, you know, the country is country in Countryville.

[648] They know country.

[649] You know.

[650] They serve blueberry fucking pancakes, so they thought it was a country theme.

[651] Shit, dude.

[652] Did you cuff those overalls on the bottom?

[653] Probably.

[654] What kind of a shoe do you wear?

[655] Just like, I'm stressed out like now I have to wear overalls, which if you think they look bad on you, simply imagine the farmer look on me. If the decision to dress what we were going to wear for live shows, because we were like, what should we wear?

[656] We got to this, we got to this, let's just wear black dresses.

[657] It's easier.

[658] What if it had been between black dresses and overalls?

[659] And I fought really hard for overalls.

[660] Oh, none of us would be here tonight.

[661] It would be like night three.

[662] of Teresa Caputo.

[663] Can't do it.

[664] And that's how the podcast fell apart.

[665] Okay, so the staff, they wore Revolution period clothing, and so some visitors have approached, approaching someone that they thought was a staff member, like, excuse me, can you tell me where the latrine is or whatever?

[666] And then only to watch it in horror as that person would then disappear into thin air.

[667] But if that exchange happened in front of me, I wouldn't know who the ghost was, because who fucking says the latrine?

[668] Your husband, his A -Ril, says latrine all the time.

[669] Is he real?

[670] Oh, shit.

[671] This is how we find out.

[672] I just fucking go crazy.

[673] And then I wrote, not sure if they were on mushrooms, the person who saw the ghost.

[674] That would be, oh, but it was just we were touching.

[675] They weren't touching.

[676] They were just asking.

[677] A person they thought was in period dress, a question.

[678] Allegedly.

[679] Allegedly.

[680] And then that person and they're like, I still have to pee.

[681] Where the fuck is the latrida?

[682] Please come back.

[683] It's like when they put you on hold, but they just disappear.

[684] I'll be with you in one moment.

[685] Terrible music.

[686] Okay.

[687] So let's get into who the ghosts would be, if there were ghosts there, which there definitely are.

[688] There are.

[689] For the sake of the story.

[690] So Charlestown, a .k. Charleston, was a mix of wealthy socialites, poor immigrants, labor, slaves, and pirates.

[691] Hey.

[692] And so, yeah.

[693] All right.

[694] That's hot.

[695] I bet they smelled so bad.

[696] Pirates?

[697] Yeah.

[698] No, just salty.

[699] Hmm.

[700] I mean, hangings were super popular, of course, in this era.

[701] Yes, they were.

[702] And not everyone who was sentenced to death was guilty.

[703] So that is, like, ripe for ghosting, like, haunting.

[704] Like, I'm pissed off.

[705] I wasn't guilty, you know.

[706] Sure.

[707] So that's, this must be true.

[708] That's what we call ghost logic.

[709] So there's, of course, legends that in the early 18th century Blackbeard would fucking get locked up and chill out there.

[710] Of course, you know, that pirate.

[711] Yes, the living pirate.

[712] What?

[713] When he was alive, you're saying.

[714] Sorry, I was, I just love ghosts.

[715] So, I thought we were so ghost town.

[716] Yeah, yeah.

[717] As a full -formed human being that didn't disappear.

[718] Shit.

[719] Blackbeard allegedly...

[720] Blackbeard came here?

[721] Was he American?

[722] No. No. We'll talk about it later.

[723] We'll talk about it later.

[724] Jesus.

[725] Why am I asking questions?

[726] Yeah, he came here because it was like a harbor and shit.

[727] You know.

[728] Uh -huh.

[729] So he was in prison in Provost after blockading the Charleston Harbor, he took a bunch of local citizens hostage because he wanted leverage because what he needed was medicine.

[730] because he needed, he had all these, his pirate friends on his ship.

[731] They needed medicine because they all had fucking crazy VDs.

[732] Oh.

[733] Yeah.

[734] I thought you were just going to say scurvy.

[735] No. No. They weren't even pretending.

[736] They had downstairs scurvy.

[737] We'll help you there, my friend.

[738] I just realized how much this telling sounds like an episode of drunk history.

[739] And I'm not drunk.

[740] I did not take a big old gulp of that Yeti of brown liquor.

[741] in the Uber, but I wish I had.

[742] I know.

[743] We should have both taking a long pull off that thing.

[744] But eventually the town was like, all right, just get your fucking VD meds and let our people go.

[745] It was just all to cure STDs.

[746] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[747] Wow.

[748] Were they really embarrassed as they were taking hostages?

[749] Could you please come here and help me?

[750] Or just like, you're really itchy.

[751] Ar.

[752] Okay, so one of the people that everyone says is a ghost here is a dude.

[753] Okay, in 1718, a dude who was, quote, a gentleman pirate.

[754] And I was like, I don't know what that is.

[755] I'm going to look it up.

[756] And you think I'd mean like he wasn't a dick to like his, the people he captured?

[757] Right.

[758] No, he was a terrible, one of the worst pirates in history.

[759] Oh.

[760] And it was because, so his name was Steed Bonnet.

[761] Steve?

[762] Steve Bonnet?

[763] Yes.

[764] Oh, Steve.

[765] Steed.

[766] It's a little cooler than Steve.

[767] I went to high school Steve Bonnet.

[768] And he was a dick.

[769] So he was initially.

[770] this kind of wealthy landowner.

[771] He came from a good family.

[772] Then he got bored.

[773] He got married and had kids and was like, I hate this.

[774] My wife nags me all the time.

[775] I'm going to build a pirate ship, which you don't do.

[776] You're supposed to steal a pirate ship.

[777] I'm going to pay my friends on the pirate ship, which you're not supposed to do.

[778] You're supposed to like divvy up the goods, the booty.

[779] You know.

[780] And so no one respected him and he just was like, it's like when, you know, when you know, something over.

[781] a rich kid.

[782] A rich kid wants to be...

[783] Like a punk rocker, so they just get a bunch of tattoos, and then they panhandle and they're like, hey, can I have $0 .25?

[784] And I'm like, I have three jobs and you have more gold in your face than I've ever seen in my life.

[785] Pawn something.

[786] There you go.

[787] That's exactly it.

[788] Pawn something.

[789] That was me living in the upper hate in San Francisco.

[790] I was like getting off the bus for my job at the gap to get on the bus to go to my job at Bear Essentials.

[791] The early days, thank you, Bear Essentials.

[792] mineral makeup product.

[793] Thank you.

[794] I didn't invent it.

[795] Ad placement.

[796] I didn't invent it.

[797] And there would always be like 19 year olds from Marin County.

[798] They'd be like, hey, man, could I have a dollar?

[799] And I'd just be like, you motherfucking asshole.

[800] I know that's your outy.

[801] Get into it and drive away.

[802] Okay, so he eventually Blackbeard took him under his wing because he felt bad for him.

[803] The gentleman pirate?

[804] He was like, you fucking idiot.

[805] Let me help you out.

[806] and they got caught escaping the dungeon and they were brought back and then Bonnett's crew was imprisoned in the provost dungeon but because he was a gentleman's deed got put in the town marshal's house because he's like rich yeah essentially but the 29 dudes that he was fucking sailing around with had to stay in this shitty dungeon oh there's a photo ready no you're ready for this yes there you go what look at that Is this from that play you guys were in in high school?

[807] Look at that shit right there.

[808] There's George Washington on the left.

[809] The guy who looks really bored of his head in his hands and tights on is steed.

[810] And everyone looks pretty bombed.

[811] That doesn't look fun.

[812] When you take a tour, this is what it looks like.

[813] Love it.

[814] I know, right?

[815] There's nothing worse than a sad pirate.

[816] I'd rather...

[817] I'd rather than be waving their sword around.

[818] That's like, gr -hr.

[819] I mean, it just looks, and you have a VD and you're fucking train there.

[820] Yeah.

[821] That's such a bummer.

[822] They're just like, we're just down here with our gonorrhea.

[823] Yeah.

[824] We're never going to get out.

[825] Yeah, this sucks.

[826] We miss the ocean.

[827] What if that night, when everything closes up, those dudes come to life?

[828] They're just really pouty, itchy pirates.

[829] Yeah, they don't do anything.

[830] Being dicks downstairs.

[831] So they're all there, and they all are, the 29 men are executed by hanging after they had been stuck in the dungeon, and Steveed a sentence to be hanged by the neck until you are dead.

[832] And he wrote to the governor at this point, he was like, okay, I'm done with this fucking little game I'm playing.

[833] I want to go back to my nagging wife.

[834] I'm not calling her nagging.

[835] He called her nagging.

[836] I'm sure she was lovely.

[837] And so he wrote to the governor and begged for clemency, and he said that if you me go, I swear, I'll even cut my arms and fucking legs off to ensure I'll never pirate again.

[838] Like, that's how he...

[839] That's what a big fucking liar he was.

[840] Yeah.

[841] Asshole.

[842] Yeah.

[843] Did it work?

[844] No. On December 10th, 17, 18, he was put to death.

[845] So, goodbye.

[846] Now, if you're hung with an STD, do you have it as a ghost?

[847] There are things that we could have asked Teresa if she would just do a double bill with us, which she says she won't do.

[848] Oh, no. That was Teresa's a live ghost.

[849] It's an alive ghost.

[850] Did you use that paper already?

[851] I already used it.

[852] I mean...

[853] Sorry.

[854] I feel like that's the first time that's ever happened.

[855] On stage.

[856] I think I've done it a couple times.

[857] Oh, have you?

[858] Yeah.

[859] Okay.

[860] Let's move on, children.

[861] I'd love to.

[862] Okay.

[863] So then the British took Charles Ten and said, 1780 and under British control, any patriots who were like, you know, we don't want you here.

[864] They put them in the dungeon alongside the pirates and raiders and like, so they're like these like normal, like people and they're in these like scary pirates.

[865] I heard pirates are scary.

[866] And they're left to die there from disease, injury, parasites, and rats.

[867] And because it was below the water line and right there on the harbor, the dungeon would flood sometimes and drown the fucking captives.

[868] Oh my God.

[869] She was like, I would haunt the shit out of that place.

[870] I would rattle some windows.

[871] There weren't windows.

[872] It was a dungeon.

[873] Oh, shit.

[874] I'd go upstairs into the tea room.

[875] It was a book and shit.

[876] And often they would just leave the dead there in the dungeons with the living.

[877] Really?

[878] Yeah.

[879] Jesus.

[880] I know.

[881] It's almost like it's a dungeon.

[882] It's almost bad.

[883] Soon after the British took over, they locked up a local trader named Casper Strobel.

[884] He's a six.

[885] 63 -year -old dude, his only crime was that his two sons were fighting for the rebels, meaning our side.

[886] And in retaliation, he was detained in the provost dungeon where he remained in, he, quote, remained in chains until he was insensible.

[887] And then he was released and then he died the next fucking day from madness.

[888] So, like, that's how crazy it made you there.

[889] Wow.

[890] The exchange's most notorious execution came in 1781 with the advent of the American, advent of the American Revolution.

[891] This is where you guys did the play, I bet.

[892] So, Isaac Hayne was born in 1745 to a pretty well -off family.

[893] He married a woman named Elizabeth Hudson.

[894] They had seven children.

[895] They were just like, you know, oh, wait, there's a dungeon again.

[896] Isn't it kind of beautiful, though?

[897] It's pretty, well, you know what?

[898] You got to love a nice art, domed ceiling.

[899] I'm kind of like, if I ever buy a house, I'm going to give this to the fucking interior designer and be like.

[900] And be like, and can you pick colors that go good with flood water?

[901] and rat shit.

[902] And I went around the house tiny rats and chains.

[903] It's funny.

[904] It's an inside joke.

[905] You should listen to the podcast sometime.

[906] Okay, so that's him right here.

[907] She's laughing at your dude.

[908] He's yellow.

[909] He's super yellow.

[910] I have that same ruddy skin.

[911] I understand.

[912] Looks like a...

[913] I understand.

[914] He looks like a light eczema.

[915] Yeah.

[916] Which means that the painter was like, I'm not going to put the full eczema, but I feel like we need to let everyone know in the future.

[917] You know what it is?

[918] It's rosacea.

[919] Rosetia.

[920] That's the one.

[921] That's the one.

[922] It's rosacea.

[923] Please excuse me. I mean, it's on his chin.

[924] It's everywhere.

[925] It also could be that he just fucking loved booze.

[926] And he was just like, I think I'm going to drink like seven mugs of meat and then get my portrait taken.

[927] You just need to a little curell on that.

[928] Nivia, perhaps a bit of Nivia?

[929] Can I say, though, excellent eyebrows.

[930] Oh, we are.

[931] Take a look at those.

[932] I mean, he's very patrician.

[933] But he also, he just looks like someone that would park in a handicapped space to me. Doesn't he?

[934] Okay, question.

[935] You have to go around with that haircut for a month.

[936] But you get a million dollars.

[937] You have to go do your...

[938] normal shit.

[939] Okay.

[940] How about $100?

[941] No. $500 ,000?

[942] No. It needs to be up in the six figures.

[943] Yeah, yeah.

[944] Because it's really...

[945] What is six figures?

[946] Seven.

[947] A million dollars, it has to have six numbers in it.

[948] Sorry, that's how I do business.

[949] I'm sorry.

[950] How come Karen's so poor?

[951] She works so hard.

[952] She just accepts, she doesn't know.

[953] She always goes backwards.

[954] with the zeros.

[955] She's like, no, I'll only take six figures.

[956] Okay.

[957] It's like at the end of the night, someone hands me a $20 bill.

[958] No. Thank you.

[959] My $20 million.

[960] I was just going to say, I can't take a bob that short.

[961] Sure.

[962] That's why.

[963] That's why it have to be.

[964] I don't think it's that's the, that's not the problem.

[965] What other problems do I have?

[966] I don't mean you.

[967] Are you saying I can't wear an ascot, motherfucker?

[968] Because I can.

[969] No one's questioning your assot.

[970] ability.

[971] It's like way up I. Remember what you said to me in the airport this morning?

[972] What?

[973] You almost accidentally insulted me. I went like, I feel like I look like this person today.

[974] I kind of had this vibe of a kid from freaks and geeks, which I get, sometimes that I love.

[975] And I kind of felt it and I told her and she goes, yeah, but he's attractive.

[976] But she meant, it's okay that you look like him because he's attractive but it sounded like...

[977] I didn't say the first part first.

[978] Yeah, yeah.

[979] So it sounded like I was arguing.

[980] And I was like, oh, I'm going to cry in and then I have to go to therapy.

[981] Also, it was fucking 8 in the morning.

[982] It's just not fair.

[983] 100%.

[984] Okay.

[985] No, it was not on you.

[986] It was on freaks and geeks.

[987] That happens to me all the time, though.

[988] Something comes out of my mouth.

[989] And then I'm like, did I tell you what I did in Bloomingdale?

[990] This was amazing.

[991] No, go.

[992] It was Labor Day weekend.

[993] I was in Bloomingdale's.

[994] I thought it was going to be so crowded that, like, it was the mall.

[995] and it's just the store attached to the mall.

[996] So I thought it was going to be packed.

[997] And I was walking through, and there was, of course, hardly anybody there.

[998] Maybe because Bloomingdale isn't where everybody wants to shop.

[999] You know, when Labor Day, everyone's like, you know where I really want to spend Labor Day.

[1000] Bloomies.

[1001] Just maxing out my credit card for two pairs of shoes.

[1002] But as I was walking around, I looked over and there was a girl that was just standing.

[1003] It's like the thing that never happens, or at least in California, at Macy's, You know, Macy, you can't get anyone to ring you up.

[1004] Oh, no. It's just like, you have to chase people down.

[1005] There was just a girl standing at the cash register, like, waiting for someone to buy something.

[1006] And so I meant to ask her, like, has it been busy this weekend?

[1007] But what I did was yell across the store, are you busy this weekend?

[1008] The cashier out?

[1009] Are you busy this weekend?

[1010] And she's like, like that.

[1011] And then I just started laughing.

[1012] No. Then you can't explain.

[1013] explain it.

[1014] It's come out of your mouth as a full sentence.

[1015] There's no, there's nothing else to be done.

[1016] So now I'm dating this fucking cash here.

[1017] Deeply in love.

[1018] It's fine.

[1019] It's fine.

[1020] You get the discount?

[1021] Do you get a discount?

[1022] Friends and family baby.

[1023] Yes.

[1024] Um, okay.

[1025] There was pot involved.

[1026] All right.

[1027] It was the weekend.

[1028] There was pot involved.

[1029] It's California.

[1030] We're, we have to do it.

[1031] Yeah, they make us.

[1032] The mayor makes you.

[1033] The mayor comes around your house and makes you.

[1034] And they give you your rations for the week.

[1035] They're like, smoke this in the mall parking structure before you go in.

[1036] And then have a real good time.

[1037] And then ask out whoever you see.

[1038] I don't think I've ever asked anyone out in my life.

[1039] Really?

[1040] No. I want you to.

[1041] Never.

[1042] I want, I'm going to make you.

[1043] You can't.

[1044] I'm that friend.

[1045] I'm that fucking friend.

[1046] I'm going to fucking make you ask someone out.

[1047] The last time.

[1048] Yeah, you just have practice.

[1049] It was just so loud.

[1050] Okay, so he lived in a nice mansion and all this shit.

[1051] He was super rich.

[1052] We're talking about Isaac Kane again.

[1053] Yes.

[1054] Not, yeah.

[1055] Yellow Jacket.

[1056] Yes.

[1057] By 1776 in the middle of the Revolutionary War, he becomes a captain in the Patriot Milit.

[1058] He's like, let's fucking do this.

[1059] You know, he's in it.

[1060] Like, you know, he's a patriot.

[1061] It would be so cool if that guy talked like that.

[1062] Yeah, me and I love war.

[1063] He's there.

[1064] No, they wanted to defend his country against, you know, the British.

[1065] They're coming.

[1066] How many times do you have to say it?

[1067] You know.

[1068] The British are coming.

[1069] The British are coming.

[1070] See that.

[1071] So then a British commander who captures the town, Sir Harvey Clinton, which I'm sure was played by the kid that everyone hated in elementary school, he captures a town in the siege of Charleston.

[1072] He threatens to confiscate the property of anyone who continues to.

[1073] to be loyal to our town and he's like, you can't resist the royal anymore.

[1074] I'll take your fucking shit.

[1075] But he promised protection to anyone who would support the British.

[1076] So of course, Hane, he's totally a patriot, but he's like, I don't want to lose my shit.

[1077] But also, he got locked up and his wife and his children were on their deathbed from smallpox.

[1078] So he's like, I just don't, I can't lose all this shit.

[1079] I'm just going to sign it.

[1080] And he signed it, and he was like, there was this agreement that he was like, okay I swear I'll be on your side while you're here but when you're not here anymore I won't be on your side anymore still that's that's when it counts the most when they're there it doesn't work like that 100 % but like they were like great so um so the patriot forces push back they get them out of there and he was like great I'm not in the royal militia anymore the success of the patriots allowed him to believe that they were gone so he wasn't he didn't the obligation to, you know, yell about how great they were anymore.

[1081] Yeah, I love tea, stuff like that.

[1082] So, um, so da -da -da -da -da.

[1083] Okay, but then a few months later, he's captured by General Andrew Williamson.

[1084] He's an American spy working for the British, aka a snitch, is what I wrote.

[1085] Because, come on, dude.

[1086] Be cool.

[1087] Wait, you mean the second guy?

[1088] Because the first guy is not cool either.

[1089] No, that, which one?

[1090] Andrew, Isaac Hayes.

[1091] No, no, no. We like him.

[1092] We do?

[1093] Yeah, yeah.

[1094] Okay.

[1095] He, yeah.

[1096] He did what he had to do for his wife and children who were dying, right?

[1097] And he was like, but I'm also like, but I also like won't be on your side.

[1098] When it doesn't count.

[1099] Right.

[1100] Right.

[1101] Okay, but the really bad guy.

[1102] The really bad guy who's like, I'm going to secretly be this guy and I'm actually that guy.

[1103] He's the snitch.

[1104] So they start to fear that, so they catch him and decide that Isaac Hayne should be made an example for what happened to those who commit treason.

[1105] So, like, all he did was tell them he was going to be on their side.

[1106] Then he wasn't, and then they're like, we're going to send an example of you.

[1107] Oh, that's treason.

[1108] Okay, technically, yes.

[1109] 100 % technically.

[1110] Two people who know nothing about history, now fighting about history.

[1111] It's such a great place to start.

[1112] It's the new TV show on History Channel.

[1113] It's happening.

[1114] So he's imprisoned in the pro.

[1115] dungeon and he begs the official to let him see his children one last time but they're like nope and on the day of his execution which is August 4th 1781 all the citizens go into the street he's escorted by a party of soldiers to the gallows with his hands tied behind him and he's hanged until he dies yeah okay so he is one of the most prominent Americans to be executed by the British during the American War of Independence and he probably is haunting the dungeon maybe.

[1116] So the old exchange in succumbing dungeons spent the 20th century under the threat of redevelopment.

[1117] It was saved, like I told you, by the Donald's of the Revolution.

[1118] In all records, I've identified at least 120 South Carolina residents or patriots who spent time as prisoners on site for treason's sedition, sedition, and rebellious speech.

[1119] And down in the dungeon, you can still see what's left of the original wall.

[1120] Visitors and staff have reported that they hear fucking ghosts.

[1121] and shit all the time, as well as moaning, like someone's in a lot of pain.

[1122] There's rancid odors that come and go at will, which is like...

[1123] Those are the costumes.

[1124] We went over that already.

[1125] And visions of apparitions in period clothing with blank stairs while walking endlessly through the halls.

[1126] Can I just tell you something?

[1127] That just reminded me of one time I was at work, and I kept smelling this really bad like cologne or perfume.

[1128] It was really strong.

[1129] It's got to be a ghost.

[1130] And it was really gross.

[1131] And I kept going, who's wearing that perfume?

[1132] Does it?

[1133] It smells so bad.

[1134] It smells so bad.

[1135] Who's wearing it?

[1136] And I couldn't stop saying it.

[1137] And I would walk up and smell people and be like, I really wanted to find who was wearing this terrible.

[1138] And it turned out it was me. Of course.

[1139] I had switched.

[1140] Normally I wear secrets shower fresh.

[1141] And I switched to spring fresh.

[1142] No. Or some other flavor.

[1143] A fresh.

[1144] And it did not agree with my armpits.

[1145] And it created a smell that was like, it was like, it was like if a dirty 13 -year -old, like, got ready for a dance without taking a shower.

[1146] But it was on me all day.

[1147] You were the one.

[1148] You were the one.

[1149] It was me. I was haunted myself.

[1150] And some have seen chains being bolted and stuff and dancing orbs are reported cold spots.

[1151] And a few visitors are reported to be pushed and choked by invisible hands.

[1152] Whoa, like actual hands coming out of the air.

[1153] I mean, it was probably seven -year -old Susie who just likes to get attention.

[1154] These hands come up from really low.

[1155] You're like, what do you want me to lean down?

[1156] He's reaching out.

[1157] Some kid was like, I saw a ghost, and Susie was like, I got choked by a ghost.

[1158] You're like, God, Susie.

[1159] Shut up, Susie.

[1160] And it's all thought to be the ghosts of those who were left to suffer in the provost dungeon and that's the provost dungeon.

[1161] I do.

[1162] Was that what just happened?

[1163] Um, doubt it.

[1164] Uh, there it was.

[1165] We did it.

[1166] You did it.

[1167] You did your story.

[1168] Thank you.

[1169] Did I knock it out of the park?

[1170] I'm sure you did.

[1171] You must have.

[1172] I probably did.

[1173] Great job.

[1174] Thank you.

[1175] Here.

[1176] Now, we're going to, we're going to then go back in time even one year before that.

[1177] Because my story on today's podcast quilt is from Kansas City.

[1178] and this was December 9th, 2017.

[1179] So this was basically the one -year anniversary of the one we first started touring.

[1180] Holy shit, really?

[1181] Yeah, because our first, technically first live show, like on the road, was the Bell House show in Brooklyn, which was in December.

[1182] And the Bell House held 300 people.

[1183] Many more than that wanted to go.

[1184] We didn't understand that.

[1185] Again, apologies to the staff and management of.

[1186] the bell house who absolutely have our faces up like bag check writers in the back of that because it was people a show here again pure insanity also that was back when i was the tour the tour manager i'll take care of it i said to georgia so confidently anyways this is one year later we're in kansas city which we Kansas city we always have the best shows there those crowds are fucking nuts so this was a night where we did two shows in one night and my story was the The last, this is the story, the last story on the second show.

[1187] So when Stephen put this on the list, because Stephen pre listens to all the live shows and then basically takes notes because we, I'm so sick.

[1188] I'm so sick of my sound of my own voice and everything around it.

[1189] So he basically says this is good.

[1190] That means mine.

[1191] Everything around it is my voice.

[1192] So you're sick of my voice and your voice.

[1193] This isn't about you.

[1194] Stop making it about you.

[1195] So, so this is the.

[1196] last, so when Stevens put this on the list of this was a good one, I said, how is this possible?

[1197] I remember doing this and feeling physically ill. And then when we put it together and Vince just, we were trying to think of, hey, do we have any stories like do you remember from this long ago?

[1198] Yeah.

[1199] And we were just saying, if it was the, if it was the second story on the second show, that's what the bad feeling was.

[1200] Not that I didn't have a good time, but that we shouldn't have been doing two shows in the night.

[1201] We stopped doing it.

[1202] I think after that tour because it's like four hours on stage is too many hours on stage it just like drains you mentally and you just don't have the heart you can't i mean god bless fucking fucking music theater people and people who can actually do shit like that broadway broadway people with like two on sunday fucking yeah we're not even singing so i do sometimes but that's very low effort it's rough yeah we want to we want to do the best show and so we stopped doing even though we could make a shit ton of more money we were like but we're going to to put out a shitty product so we refused.

[1203] Well, and also because the energy in those rooms so intense and so big and so much, like doing two of that in a night, I couldn't even imagine us doing that anymore.

[1204] It was pure ignorance that we were able to do it in the first place.

[1205] Anyhow, so please enjoy.

[1206] This is at the Midland Theater in Kansas City, Missouri, and one of those big, beautiful old theaters that is so insane looking.

[1207] I just took a tour of it online today.

[1208] just to see if I could remember any specifics.

[1209] But, you know, it's...

[1210] I was 37 years old.

[1211] It was three years ago.

[1212] I was a baby.

[1213] It's crazy to think of it.

[1214] It's so funny.

[1215] So anyway, all that in mind, please enjoy my story of the Stoll Cemetery.

[1216] Well, mine is slightly away, but this place has been of interest to me for such a long time.

[1217] And I was so excited because it's only an hour away.

[1218] from where we are right now and it is apparently according to the internet the most haunted evil place on earth it's the Stole Cemetery where the bride cat lives where the bride ghost lives Oh my God I'm scared Yeah you should be you fucking should be Because guess what The devil comes out of hell twice a year to visit his child's grave Which is somewhere in the cemetery And I believe on the headstone And they say the name is something, it looks like witches, but it also kind of looks like it could be someone's last name.

[1219] And so apparently, the devil, although he is the Antichrist and the Lord of All Evil, also cares deeply for his dead son.

[1220] Okay.

[1221] Apparently, that's the story.

[1222] All right.

[1223] Stull is a city.

[1224] Skull?

[1225] No, stull with a tea.

[1226] Oh, that'd be fun if it was called skull, wouldn't it?

[1227] I mean, it would be fun, but.

[1228] then I bit it.

[1229] It's a bit on the nose.

[1230] Yeah.

[1231] Don't you think?

[1232] Yeah.

[1233] It's a touch.

[1234] You're right.

[1235] I'm like, oh, I get it.

[1236] So we'll go one letter off.

[1237] Okay.

[1238] And we'll call it still.

[1239] Okay.

[1240] It's an unincorporated community.

[1241] I said city.

[1242] It does not qualify as a city.

[1243] It's also quite small.

[1244] Mm -hmm.

[1245] Smaller than your town.

[1246] Oh, fuck.

[1247] Sorry.

[1248] I wanted to win.

[1249] This is out, it's in Douglas County, Kansas.

[1250] Kansas representing.

[1251] See, all right.

[1252] If it's that small, then they're all here tonight.

[1253] All of Stoll is here, and they're ready to rise up.

[1254] I'm so happy to hear you make that noise at us, Kansas, because when I discovered, so basically I had what I thought I was doing, and then I changed my mind.

[1255] So I had Stephen, I was like, can you send me creepy things?

[1256] I want to do a creepy one for the second show.

[1257] It's more fun.

[1258] And so he sent me a bunch of choices.

[1259] Well, I see the Stull Cemetery, and I'm like, yes, this is it.

[1260] It's my passion.

[1261] Not so much so that I know what state it's in.

[1262] So then when I, at like 6 p .m. this evening, saw that it was not in Missouri, that I was like pouring sweat at the desk.

[1263] I was just like, holy fuck.

[1264] And I texted Stephen.

[1265] I was like, yeah, so that's not actually where we are.

[1266] So I need a new story.

[1267] Did you fire Stephen?

[1268] Yeah, I fired him.

[1269] But then I rehired him at a lower rate.

[1270] so it's fine thank you that's all I need to hear she supports you no it's actually but then when I looked at it a bit on the map it's so fucking close and I was like whoever's mad at this fuck them and then I always forget we have such amazing listeners who drive for hours at a time to come to these live shows and now let's journey to hell together founded in 1850s Six, Stoll was originally known as Deer Creek, but it was renamed after its first postmaster, Sylvester Stull.

[1271] Now, some say it was renamed, this city was renamed after him, but some say that the post office, if a town was unincorporated, not a town, if a area was unincorporated and didn't have a name, they would just call it by the postmaster's last name.

[1272] That was what they used to do back then.

[1273] That's easy.

[1274] So either way, here's to Sylvester Stoll.

[1275] That is a haunted fucking name right there.

[1276] I know.

[1277] They called them Stully.

[1278] They tore the post office down in 1903.

[1279] I don't know why.

[1280] They were mad about mail.

[1281] Price of stamps.

[1282] So this area was settled mostly by Germans and the Pennsylvania Dutch, a .k .a. the Amish.

[1283] You guys are here tonight?

[1284] Amish?

[1285] What are we?

[1286] got a big Amish following.

[1287] And they have to leave like three months before a show because they have to go by carriage.

[1288] Oh.

[1289] Alongside a freeway all slow with a reflective triangle on the back.

[1290] I love the Amish.

[1291] Did you imagine?

[1292] They bring us like homemade thing.

[1293] Homemate.

[1294] Well, that's what everybody does.

[1295] Yeah, that's true.

[1296] We don't know how to imagine that.

[1297] Okay.

[1298] So 1857, there's six families that live in stalled.

[1299] which I love so the same year they construct a stone church on land donated by Jacob Hildenbrand and it's later called the Evangelical Emanuel Church and then in 1859 Hilderbrand donated more land for the cemetery area until 1908 sermons at the small county chapel were preached in German Oh you vei a gorgeous language this small community never grew larger than 50 people at the time now it's up to 200 congratulations still keep it up every single one of those 200 people is pissed about how many people try to come to the stall cemetery and fuck around they hate it okay someone named Christ Christ Kraft what Who wrote this?

[1300] It's got to be right.

[1301] It's got to be right.

[1302] Like Christ Novicellic from Nirvana?

[1303] It's Christcraft.

[1304] An inhabitant of the settlement during the 20th century recalls that life in this small town was quiet, easy, sometimes even boring.

[1305] No shit.

[1306] Said everyone here.

[1307] Right?

[1308] Until...

[1309] So this is all directly taken from a website called The Week and Weird.

[1310] And this, the guy that writes his website went to the Stil Cemetery.

[1311] So a lot of his stuff was firsthand.

[1312] It's really hilarious because he's like, I got there and there were fires in all four corners of the cemetery and I was like, dude, are you sure?

[1313] Okay.

[1314] So he writes, for over a century, still cemetery has been linked to countless legends involving witchcraft, satanic cults.

[1315] Are you pointing at me?

[1316] Because you love it.

[1317] I love it, but I'm making you love it.

[1318] Okay.

[1319] And of course, the infamous gateway to hill.

[1320] Have you ever heard about this?

[1321] No. It's the best.

[1322] Is it a gateway to hell?

[1323] It is.

[1324] It's not a highway to hell.

[1325] The ACDC owns that.

[1326] They have the copyright.

[1327] According to legends, Lucifer, the devil, that's who I was talking about earlier, he once used this, the church that was in the center of the cemetery, then it became abandoned.

[1328] And he used it as his own personal doorway from the netherworld.

[1329] It was in Stull where he would rouse the spirits who had been buried inside the gates of the most evil cemetery in existence.

[1330] Sorry people who are buried in the Stoll Cemetery.

[1331] I don't know what you did wrong.

[1332] You fucking fucked up Amish people.

[1333] Oh no, you're alienating our Amish listeners.

[1334] That's...

[1335] Our Amish listener.

[1336] Hand crank podcast machine.

[1337] It plays podcasts and makes butter at the same time.

[1338] So good.

[1339] I just feel like the devil wouldn't be like Kansas.

[1340] I feel like he'd be like you know, Transylvania.

[1341] I don't know.

[1342] I mean, maybe.

[1343] That's not against Kansas.

[1344] That's for, like, why would, you know what I mean?

[1345] It's like, too late.

[1346] They're pissed.

[1347] You guys are better than that, is what I'm saying.

[1348] You're better than Transylvania.

[1349] Oh, now I'm insulting the Transylvania listeners, too.

[1350] Look at that guy in a cape standing up and his hair's all slick back.

[1351] Oh, no. He's livid.

[1352] He's putting his hands out and walking really slowly toward us.

[1353] I'm not scared of you.

[1354] I'm scared.

[1355] Okay.

[1356] So this is really awesome.

[1357] So this church in the center of the cemetery is like basically the center of all this evil doings and all this kind of stories around it.

[1358] So there is outside of the church, there is a, there's like a platform and underneath it, they said like grass has grown.

[1359] over it, but if you lift it up, there's a set of stairs that go down to nowhere.

[1360] No one knows where they go to.

[1361] For real, though?

[1362] Well, I mean, yeah.

[1363] Okay.

[1364] You know, it's like, we're like a half creepyposter realness right now, I would say.

[1365] Got it.

[1366] But they say, and those who have done it, no names, no dates, no nothing verifiable, but those who have walked down these stairs say that as you walk down a very strong force tries to pull you to the bottom of the stairs.

[1367] Gravity?

[1368] Don't fuck up our scary story with science.

[1369] I'm sorry.

[1370] I got a lot of sugar today.

[1371] It's just the one person started walking too fast at the top of the stairs and they like went down.

[1372] They're like, the devil is making me, oh.

[1373] Or he did what I did, the opposite of what I did earlier, and tripped up upstairs.

[1374] I tripped up a step today.

[1375] Yeah.

[1376] He fell.

[1377] and it's just gravity.

[1378] Right.

[1379] Did you just fall all the way down on the ground when you tripped up the stairs?

[1380] Oh, I scratched my knee.

[1381] It was really in front of people.

[1382] Don't worry.

[1383] It was in front of people.

[1384] The whole valet stand saw.

[1385] No one tried to help me. I think that's best.

[1386] When I fall all the way down, I want everyone to leave me the fuck alone.

[1387] I think they were like, oh, okay, leave her.

[1388] Don't look away.

[1389] Look away.

[1390] Let her have her shame alone.

[1391] One time I fell, and this is just a quick sidebar.

[1392] I fell out of a cab in Chicago.

[1393] It was very odd It was like, I thought I had it I thought I had it Like getting out of a car I'd done it before I thought I had this shit on lock I know right The devil tricks using it does The devil pulls you down You don't need stairs It's a weird force I fell down in front of this busy movie theater in Chicago It's out of a cab It didn't make sense Like if you had seen it You'd have been like But you're supposed to step up out and I just, like, kind of came out and down.

[1394] And I did it where it was, like, hard enough.

[1395] It was, like, my toe caught on this curb that I didn't see or whatever.

[1396] So I went full splayed, and then my stupid towbaggy purse fell in front of me, so all of my things just went like.

[1397] And then, so I was like, okay, I don't really live here, so I'm going to survive this.

[1398] I'll never see these people again.

[1399] But the saddest part of it was an old lady came and helped me. me up.

[1400] She was like, oh, honey.

[1401] And I was like, get away from me. You did this to me. So anyhow's.

[1402] But here's the twist -a -roo of these stairs.

[1403] When you turn around to come back up the stairs, it takes longer, sometimes two weeks.

[1404] That's what this article said.

[1405] To get back up the stairs.

[1406] Now, you don't know it at the time.

[1407] You're walking, you think, oh, that just took me four seconds.

[1408] Should have never gone down to the dark stairs I don't know where they go to.

[1409] Why did I do that to begin with?

[1410] Then you come out and you're like, two weeks later, this impacts my life in a very minor way.

[1411] I missed my favorite murder.

[1412] Live.

[1413] It's about it.

[1414] I didn't put the garbage out.

[1415] It's those two seats right there.

[1416] Those empty seats.

[1417] They're down just walking in place in the still cemetery stairs.

[1418] They're like, I wonder what murder they'll do.

[1419] God damn that.

[1420] devil.

[1421] Oh, man. I love that no one talking about going up or down those stairs reports that it is hot or anything.

[1422] There's no hellish aspect that I've read.

[1423] It might be in there.

[1424] I haven't dug hard enough to the stairs.

[1425] Those are rumors that it's hot.

[1426] Okay, go on.

[1427] Sorry.

[1428] I don't know.

[1429] So, these are apparently the stairs.

[1430] The devil comes up out of every spring, equinox, and Halloween to visit his poor dead son.

[1431] Who was the devil's wife?

[1432] When did they have kids?

[1433] I have so many more questions now that I'm done reading the story.

[1434] Not done, but...

[1435] Okay.

[1436] So, the most widely accepted theory behind the origins of Stoll's evil reputation.

[1437] This is again, word for word from the weak and weird.

[1438] It's tied to both a large tree which once stood in the cemetery and an old tombstone.

[1439] Oh, there it is, described with the word, which...

[1440] So it's W -I -T -T -T.

[1441] I -C -H.

[1442] No, it's not a word.

[1443] Yeah.

[1444] W -I -T -T.

[1445] I -C -I -I -C -I -E -H -E -G.

[1446] Okay.

[1447] It's just lightly misspelled witch, I guess.

[1448] Now that I look at it, it's not that big of a deal.

[1449] Now, the tree is said to be the hanging tree for the condemned witches, who were put to death there by torch -wielding townspeople.

[1450] So, like, the seven Amish people got together.

[1451] And they're like, you, you.

[1452] You make candles.

[1453] We don't like you.

[1454] You're a witch.

[1455] Candles are our thing.

[1456] And then the tombstone with the word witch engraved on it is none other than Satan's son himself.

[1457] Oh, shit.

[1458] Who was, legend says, was born deformed and covered in wolf hair.

[1459] Hey, maybe that's just a dog.

[1460] So a couple of sad things that have happened in Stoll and around Stole.

[1461] In the early 1900s, a boy was accidentally.

[1462] burned to death by his own father.

[1463] Oh.

[1464] It's like a weird turn.

[1465] It could have been, now keep in mind that could have been the devil and his son.

[1466] That's why he's so sad, visits him so often.

[1467] In the early 1900s, a local man in Stoll was reported missing and he was later found hanged from that pine tree in the cemetery.

[1468] And the old church in Stoll is believed to have been built in 18, I bet I said that right, 1867, cut and paste.

[1469] But then in the early 1900s, it fell victim to a fire.

[1470] Okay, so here's some other things.

[1471] One story tells of two young men her visiting Stilt Cemetery.

[1472] One night, they become frightened when a strong wind begins blowing out of nowhere.

[1473] It's called wind.

[1474] Yeah, isn't that how wind works?

[1475] It doesn't start by going wind.

[1476] Wait, wait, hold on, I hear us.

[1477] Out of nowhere.

[1478] I hear the cry of an owl.

[1479] Now that means wind is coming.

[1480] So they run back to their car, only to find that it had been moved to the other side of the highway and was now facing the opposite direction.

[1481] That's creepy.

[1482] That's something only the devil can do.

[1483] He just plays these practical jokes.

[1484] Once he comes up those stairs, he's ready to have some fun.

[1485] He's been bummed out by the death in the family, and now he's like, let's fuck with some people's cars.

[1486] I'm the devil.

[1487] Okay, another man claimed that about the same mysterious wind, that he was in the church and he said that the wind came up, knocked him to the floor, and held him down on the floor for some time.

[1488] Some time.

[1489] He was a drunk.

[1490] Oh, okay.

[1491] I don't know.

[1492] Yeah.

[1493] I was going to say that, but I don't want to like, well, that was this, now, you know, like every single time.

[1494] Maybe there's something spooky.

[1495] I'll let one of these things land.

[1496] Okay.

[1497] So you're going to, of all the things you could pick, you're picking wind -pending man to the ground.

[1498] Okay.

[1499] Well, that's your pick.

[1500] There's no going back.

[1501] Okay.

[1502] All right.

[1503] No matter what I come up with later.

[1504] Okay.

[1505] Uh -oh.

[1506] Is there something good?

[1507] No. Okay.

[1508] No, I love this.

[1509] Like, I would go to this.

[1510] Oh.

[1511] I mean, in one second.

[1512] But they don't want people there, and I think it's very hard to find.

[1513] Great.

[1514] Let's go.

[1515] I'm right?

[1516] Okay, so this church, it's been missing its roof since the 20s, and they say any time it rains, it never rains into the church.

[1517] They got a new roof.

[1518] An invisible Wonder Woman roof?

[1519] Yes.

[1520] No water ever drops inside the square of the inside church.

[1521] Okay.

[1522] Not blowing your mind the way I wanted it to.

[1523] Oh, sorry.

[1524] Oh, my God.

[1525] There it is.

[1526] but people would see this firsthand with their eyeballs all stroke visitors would report that the tiny church would stay bone -dry no matter what time of year or the weather conditions that reminds me of like a depression commercial like a commercial for a pill for depression when it's like the little thing and it only rains on him and you walk around all sad and then he gets his pill and he's happy again what if the devil just looks like that little blue circle that rolls around with depression.

[1527] For what's that for?

[1528] Symbalta or some shit?

[1529] It could be Symbolta.

[1530] The Symbolta circle.

[1531] Is that a heart attack medicine?

[1532] It could be.

[1533] I don't know.

[1534] I don't know my...

[1535] You guys know what I mean.

[1536] Soloft.

[1537] Thank you.

[1538] This bitch knows her fucking pharmaceutical.

[1539] Yeah, let's hear the Welbute.

[1540] There's a well -beating rep here being like, yes.

[1541] I can write this fucking ticket off.

[1542] This ticket to my favorite murder.

[1543] Business expense.

[1544] Go.

[1545] They say that.

[1546] Oh, supernatural attributes The town finally gathered together To take this church apart Because of all these creepy things that were happening And people seeing things that were happening And then people coming to look to see if anything was happening And they're like, fucking take it down Let's burn this church to the ground But that destruction made the spirits angry And so that's when the hauntings in the graveyard flared up Why didn't they just put a fucking roof on the goddamn church?

[1547] Oops, I probably shouldn't say goddamn church.

[1548] I'm Jewish.

[1549] I'm Jewish.

[1550] It doesn't matter.

[1551] You know, that can't just be your past.

[1552] I know.

[1553] I say that about everything.

[1554] It's not.

[1555] I don't care.

[1556] It's not real.

[1557] Okay.

[1558] They said that this is one that you may wish you'd picked.

[1559] Okay.

[1560] They say, before the church was demolished, if bottles were thrown at the walls, they would not break.

[1561] Who the fuck is throwing bottles at the wall?

[1562] And also, it's not scary.

[1563] It's not like, there's Especially devilish.

[1564] It's also like, I mean, like, I don't know.

[1565] I have so many angry questions.

[1566] The naysayer in me is like fucking bubbling to the surface.

[1567] Well, they say that if the bottle didn't break, you were going to hell, and if it broke, you were going to heaven.

[1568] Oh, that's true.

[1569] So then they all didn't break.

[1570] So we're all going to hell.

[1571] Got it, got, got, got, got.

[1572] But at least we'll be together.

[1573] when Pope John Paul II visited Rocky Mountain National Park in Colorado for World Youth Day in 1993.

[1574] Remember how fun that was?

[1575] Who planned that?

[1576] I was like, you know who we should get for World Youth Day?

[1577] You know who the kids love?

[1578] The youngest man on the planet Pope John Paul II.

[1579] Let's get him out here for World Youth Day.

[1580] He loves youth and the blood of Christ.

[1581] Okay, so but they say there's a rumor or, you know, whatever, that when he is so scared of stole that he made his plane fly around the area on his way to came to Colorado.

[1582] Okay.

[1583] Which is, I guess he's the Pope and he has probably the most power of any religious person, but do pilots take requests like that, I wonder?

[1584] Could you go over to the left about 7 ,000 feet for a little while?

[1585] This thing is the devil.

[1586] it's so stupid now I'm in the middle of the stupidest one I've ever done but is it also the best or the best oh wait it was in oh the urban legend would cite a time magazine article stating the Pope John Paul the second requested his flight his plan fly far around the section of Kansas because he oh because he didn't want to fly over unholy ground but it sounds like what they're saying here, oh, that article never existed.

[1587] This is a comedy podcast.

[1588] We never promised you facts.

[1589] I like doing gossip more than facts.

[1590] I think it's just, it's better.

[1591] This is now a true crime gossip podcast.

[1592] Also, it says the Pope's plane was nowhere near Kansas during his flight.

[1593] Well, for fuck's sake!

[1594] They're not even making me try to they say anything.

[1595] They're doing it themselves.

[1596] I don't like it.

[1597] The thing about stole is you just have to, you have to believe no matter what I tell you.

[1598] No matter what happens.

[1599] Okay.

[1600] So on October 30th, 1998, the pine tree, the hanging tree...

[1601] I remember that.

[1602] You do remember?

[1603] Okay, good.

[1604] It was cut down.

[1605] And then a man from the Lawrence Journal world quotes the...

[1606] Is that the best newspaper ever?

[1607] Okay, so whatever happens now has to be true because if he...

[1608] And it's up it's wrong it's your guys's fault because we believe you what does he say well he quotes the official everyone says that they the rumor is that they took the tree down because witches would go dance around it and do fucking witchy things and hold black masses and stuff like that but Kedrick Blackwood of the Lawrence Journal world quotes the official position of the town citizens on that the tree had to be removed because it had died oh Lauren But then it was buried in a grave with a tombstone marked with it.

[1609] So, now the tree is related to the devil.

[1610] On Halloween night, 1999, reporters from local newspapers and TV stations went to the cemetery to join all of the onlookers because everyone was there to see if the devil was going to walk up the stairs.

[1611] That sounds like a fucking party.

[1612] I want to be there with a blueberry and a fucking Long Island.

[1613] Right?

[1614] Boom, boom.

[1615] I'm seeing the devil.

[1616] No. And then you guys sneak up and you come out of the thing, hi!

[1617] And you're the devil?

[1618] How did you go down those stairs?

[1619] I went down three weeks ago.

[1620] I was ready for this fucking master prank.

[1621] Damn.

[1622] So, basically, they let people hang out.

[1623] The sheriffs were there, but they were letting people hang out up until 1130.

[1624] And then a man who was the representative of the owners showed up and insisted everyone leave.

[1625] And so that, and the deputies had no choice, but to honor his wishes and make everybody, including reporters, leave.

[1626] Well, he sounds like the fucking devil.

[1627] Party pooper, devil.

[1628] That's right.

[1629] Was his hair slicked back and he was wearing a red velvet coat?

[1630] And a cape?

[1631] That was the devil posing as the landowner.

[1632] Oh, man. You fools.

[1633] Okay.

[1634] In early 2002, a large crack also opened in one of the stone walls after the church was struck by lightning.

[1635] Wait, I thought the church got taken apart.

[1636] That fuck?

[1637] It's the new church.

[1638] It's the new church.

[1639] Never letting Stephen write my thing again.

[1640] Wait, what?

[1641] Not really, but kind of.

[1642] Should you punish it for picking the wrong thing?

[1643] Oh, okay, I get it.

[1644] It was still up because then on March 29, 2002, it was mysteriously torn down.

[1645] This for real, this time, though, you guys, I'm serious.

[1646] But the man who owned the property, now here it says that man is named Major W. said he didn't authorize that demolition.

[1647] Do you think of there hasn't been a thing?

[1648] Oh, there hasn't been a church here in 25 years.

[1649] That used to be more of an old minor, but I just turned it into like Blanche from Golden Girls right there.

[1650] I don't know what I was doing.

[1651] I definitely had a change in...

[1652] I just got excited.

[1653] This just sounds like a fucking episode of Scooby -Doo.

[1654] This is the Scooby -Dubiest story I've ever done.

[1655] It really is.

[1656] There's no Mr. So -and -So.

[1657] it's the devil I feel like now that I'm reading this out loud I feel like the key to this story especially and stories like this is when you're reading it on a website that has black background and the writing is green it only lives there once you pull it off of that it's all ruined because like you know at the banner top of almost every website I've ever seen about the Stull Cemetery it's like a dead tree and fog but it's night time and you're like flashing different colors freaking out.

[1658] The devil is on Earth.

[1659] And now I'm saying it out loud and I sound like a big dumb ass.

[1660] This is super dumb.

[1661] In 2016, an earthquake hit Kansas.

[1662] That's true?

[1663] A big one, right?

[1664] So there was a picture that was going around on the internet that said, this is dull, like, the devil is torn, torn, stole apart or whatever.

[1665] And it was actually a picture from Christ Church, New Zealand when they had the earthquake and their roads were like insanely torn up so people were like, look at Stoll did.

[1666] Yeah.

[1667] Truly, the devil is with us now.

[1668] No. Okay, this is the last and best.

[1669] In 2013, Ariana Grande did a show right here at this theater on this stage with this same audience.

[1670] She did a concert stop here at the Midland and then she, they knew about Stoll already, so they decided they were all going to drive there and their big...

[1671] Ariana!

[1672] Black SUVs.

[1673] You know Ariana Grande, Ariana, whatever, I find her to be very talented.

[1674] She's done it all.

[1675] She's very, very good at what she does when she hosted SNL.

[1676] She was awesome.

[1677] So, I just want, I'm going to preclude everything I'm about to say by saying that first.

[1678] Helmever.

[1679] Helmever?

[1680] She has her bodyguards, carry her around like a dog and it's so funny.

[1681] Maybe they want to do that.

[1682] Maybe they're like, you're so cute and tiny can we carry you.

[1683] She's like I don't care.

[1684] I'm tired.

[1685] I work really hard.

[1686] But here's something I love.

[1687] There's a guy that I follow that's super funny on Twitter Jesse, I believe his last name is McLaren and he did a thing where he tried to re -enact Aria Grande's album cover where he sits on the stool with his feet tucked under and he was like basically pretending to start a thing saying this album cover is fake because he couldn't sit on a stool like that and then it got around it was like kind of became a meme a little bit and then she fucking sent him a picture of herself not being able to sit on a stool like she got in on the party herself girl which makes me love her that's how you got to do it so and I also love her because she went to the stalled cemetery so here's what she said did they carry her there they carried her she said I felt a sick overwhelming feeling of negativity in the whole car.

[1688] Be like, that's your makeup artist, dude.

[1689] She's a real bee.

[1690] She's nice to, only you.

[1691] Everyone else hates her.

[1692] That's right.

[1693] Ariana says, we smelled sulfur, which is the sign of a demon.

[1694] That's a fart.

[1695] That's what a fart sounds like.

[1696] Everyone.

[1697] But everything, say it again, but think of farting from the beginning of the negativity.

[1698] Okay.

[1699] I felt a sick, overwhelming feeling of negativity in the whole car.

[1700] Then the next line.

[1701] And then we smelled sulfur, which is...

[1702] Sorry, but that's a fucking fart.

[1703] It's just, Ariana.

[1704] That's the sign of an internal intestinal demon.

[1705] De -bunked.

[1706] You saw it here.

[1707] I wonder if this also supports your theory.

[1708] She said, then there was a fly in the car, also the sign of a demon.

[1709] Fly in the car?

[1710] Suddenly a fly.

[1711] Out of nowhere, a fly.

[1712] You know, normally you know flies are there.

[1713] you see them, feel them.

[1714] Well, this one, this was a surprise fly.

[1715] So they got so freaked out that there were two signs of demons in the car when they got there, that she rolled down the window and said to the Stole Cemetery, we apologize.

[1716] We didn't mean to disrupt your peace.

[1717] And then she took a picture.

[1718] Fucking artists, man. And they're like feeling negativity and they're fucking apologizing to spirits and shit.

[1719] What if I just got struck by lighting, right?

[1720] talk a tie how funny would that be so awesome so many pictures social media tomorrow so she takes a picture and then says there were three distinct faces and she said quote their famous their faces of textbook demons you know and then when they interview that she was telling that she was telling a reporter about this and the reporter says can I see the picture and she goes I deleted it because I gave it to my manager to upload and he couldn't upload it and then when he checked, it had 666 megabytes of information.

[1721] So, it was too, the file was too big.

[1722] Filled with demon faces.

[1723] The demon was like, I'm going to make this take up your iPhone storage.

[1724] I'm truly sainted.

[1725] And that is the worst retelling of the Stoll Cemetery, everybody.

[1726] Look.

[1727] Exemplary.

[1728] Wow, that was an amazing.

[1729] Can you believe I said all this things and did all those things?

[1730] So many things.

[1731] You were here.

[1732] You were there.

[1733] We all laughed.

[1734] Now, let's get to what everyone's been waiting for, which is the hometown.

[1735] So you see now the point here is where we've cobbled together a live show with all our favorite live show moments without having to have you listen to three.

[1736] You just get best of.

[1737] Yeah.

[1738] This is a hometown that has gone down in the books.

[1739] It's legendary.

[1740] It's an example.

[1741] of what not what we everything remember how we always go on stage and say here are the rules and everyone's like we know the rules well you don't listen to them sometimes so we have to actually tell you them every time yeah and you're all responsible for other people in your town as you as all murdering knows well know right because after the first time we were like yeah we kind of get heckled too much and the next live show we did you could hear people just going yeah we don't want to be that town yeah totally self -policing which is so such a murdering of quality that I adore.

[1742] It's just like nobody's going to be that person ever.

[1743] And they won't allow you.

[1744] It's incredible work.

[1745] So this was absolutely an anomaly.

[1746] Someone snuck through.

[1747] It was my turn to pick.

[1748] It was all on me. I was picking at the time.

[1749] It's always on you.

[1750] I always put it on you.

[1751] This girl seemed really enthusiastic.

[1752] And she was really close to the stage, which is helpful.

[1753] We were in Washington, D .C., right?

[1754] Yes.

[1755] And this theater was very old fashioned.

[1756] It looked like a place where there would be a convention of some kind where it was almost like big huge box seat set up on the side and then the floor.

[1757] Right.

[1758] So she was on one of the boxes on your side.

[1759] Right.

[1760] And so she was close.

[1761] Yeah.

[1762] And as soon as she started running up, it was uh -oh time.

[1763] And it continued to be out -o time.

[1764] Enjoy this uh -o -time with the, in my opinion, greatest hometown anyone's ever delivered.

[1765] Do we have time for a?

[1766] Yeah, let's do a hometown.

[1767] Garbage.

[1768] Oh, what's that?

[1769] Yo, yo, yo.

[1770] Vince April, everybody.

[1771] Who's this super hot history dad you're fucking talking about out here?

[1772] Hey, listen, you don't listen to this podcast, so don't worry about it.

[1773] Rules.

[1774] Not yet.

[1775] Quick rules.

[1776] And you know these rules, but I have to say them anyway.

[1777] First of all, we want it to be a hometown murder.

[1778] We would love it to be a Washington, D .C. story, please.

[1779] Maryland okay if like it's really good but but don't know where else Virginia?

[1780] Virginia Virginia I'm sorry time we'll let it slide seriously don't get any ideas no Baltimore shit just kidding just kidding that's like inside Baltimore comedy you can't be so drunk you can't tell your own story it has to go fast because everyone hates you for getting picked.

[1781] Don't shout out your friends, because nobody cares.

[1782] Not a good idea to tell jokes.

[1783] It's very nerve -wracking to be up here, but just tell the story.

[1784] Yeah, this is a new rule is don't make jokes.

[1785] Okay, can we, I'll pick.

[1786] Hi.

[1787] Oh, Georgia.

[1788] Do you want to, what?

[1789] You have to go up there.

[1790] Wait, she just screamed real loud, though.

[1791] I guess I shouldn't have picked someone We had a full drink in their hand.

[1792] It happened.

[1793] So sorry.

[1794] Hi.

[1795] So sorry.

[1796] Uh -oh, here we go.

[1797] What's your name, Mariah?

[1798] Mariah.

[1799] Okay.

[1800] This is going to be.

[1801] Hi.

[1802] My name's Mariah.

[1803] Some crazy shit.

[1804] Okay.

[1805] Okay.

[1806] Deep breath.

[1807] I know.

[1808] I know.

[1809] It's nerve -wracking.

[1810] Katie.

[1811] I just...

[1812] Katie, if you get down here, I will fucking strangle you.

[1813] Oh.

[1814] Oh.

[1815] You don't need Katie.

[1816] You don't need anybody.

[1817] This is your story.

[1818] I'm serious.

[1819] Do it.

[1820] This is everything.

[1821] Okay.

[1822] I'm a restaurant manager.

[1823] I just retired.

[1824] I worked for Navy Federal Credit Union.

[1825] All of a sudden.

[1826] I worked.

[1827] Shut up.

[1828] I worked for Carabas, Italian Grill.

[1829] Oh, yeah.

[1830] Plug.

[1831] Katie.

[1832] We love it.

[1833] That's my baby sister.

[1834] Stay out of this.

[1835] Stay out of this, Katie.

[1836] You think you're better than me?

[1837] Or have her time.

[1838] You better be taping the shit.

[1839] I kid you not.

[1840] Okay.

[1841] I'm from Manassas.

[1842] Yeah.

[1843] What was his name?

[1844] It was a candy striper.

[1845] Oh.

[1846] I was.

[1847] Okay.

[1848] John Wayne Bobbitt.

[1849] I'm just a little girl.

[1850] John Wayne Bobbitt.

[1851] Yeah, yeah.

[1852] I love your hair.

[1853] Thank you.

[1854] I like yours, too.

[1855] Mine?

[1856] We got to focus.

[1857] We got to focus and tell the story.

[1858] John Wayne.

[1859] I can't believe I'm here.

[1860] I know.

[1861] Me too.

[1862] John Wayne Bobbitt.

[1863] I know.

[1864] Manassas.

[1865] He got his dick.

[1866] Okay, go.

[1867] Tell your story.

[1868] I was just a little girl in Manassas, Virginia.

[1869] I can't believe I'm here.

[1870] No one can.

[1871] Yeah.

[1872] I know, right.

[1873] Okay.

[1874] You're a Manassas.

[1875] You got this.

[1876] You got it.

[1877] You're a candy striper.

[1878] And I'm a candy striper.

[1879] Okay.

[1880] And it's around the corner.

[1881] In Manassas, go.

[1882] You got this.

[1883] What do I say?

[1884] I mean, are you just telling the John Wayne that?

[1885] John Wayne Bobbitt?

[1886] Yeah.

[1887] It's the best one we've ever had.

[1888] Okay.

[1889] Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Sit down.

[1890] No. That was your hometown.

[1891] You got it.

[1892] That was it.

[1893] It was John Wayne Bobbitt, and we all had a moment together.

[1894] That was beautiful.

[1895] It was everything we love.

[1896] And listen, I feel like with John Wayne Bobbitt, it wasn't going to be a huge payoff.

[1897] It's a fucking, we all.

[1898] I'll know the story.

[1899] Also, it's not a murder.

[1900] All right.

[1901] Yay.

[1902] We did it.

[1903] We did it.

[1904] She did it.

[1905] Good for her.

[1906] She did it.

[1907] She did it.

[1908] Stephen, are you going to leave in the part where they, everyone says, pick another one and I say no, too bad.

[1909] Yeah, leave it.

[1910] Oh, we have to.

[1911] We have to.

[1912] The full experience, you know.

[1913] Just making sure.

[1914] Because I, I know it's something that's wrong with me and a bad thing about me. But there's moments.

[1915] like that are my absolute favorite where that audience was just like get rid of her we're doing this again and it's like no you're no you're not that's it i get to say this is our you don't run this channel you don't oh yeah so we were basically like and also because that same night that audience didn't get ripped off because then after all that was over just as a backup FYI we read from the book remember that's right we read from the book so that was we were just like okay moving and we read a chat from Stay Sexy and Don't Get Murdered, which hadn't come out yet.

[1916] And we were recording it for the audio book.

[1917] So the live episode that we, or if you listen to the audio book, there's a couple live readings and that's one of them.

[1918] That's right.

[1919] I forgot about that.

[1920] All right.

[1921] Let's do some fucking hoorays then.

[1922] Let's do it.

[1923] Go ahead.

[1924] Okay.

[1925] This is from Heidi Joy Wind on Instagram.

[1926] My fucking hurrah.

[1927] Yesterday, my 15 year old and I had a one hour car ride together, just the two of us, been a while.

[1928] He decided to DJ the event.

[1929] What followed was an hour of us singing at the top of our lungs.

[1930] Paul Simon, C -S -N -Y, Bjork, Peter Gabriel, and the gorillas.

[1931] Both of us had goosebumps and were near tears several times.

[1932] I had this overwhelming feeling that I had done my job as a mama well, that he would be okay and that I couldn't feel more love for him or the life he has ahead of him.

[1933] That's me. Teenagers, they're so hard.

[1934] That's great.

[1935] That's very sweet.

[1936] Okay, well, then this one, I'll read this.

[1937] one.

[1938] It's kind of coming the other direction.

[1939] Okay.

[1940] I hate my teenager.

[1941] Is that what it's bad?

[1942] Where do I drop this one off?

[1943] This is from someone named Alyssa.

[1944] And they say, fucking hooray, my stepdad adopted me last month.

[1945] He's the most wonderful man to my mom, walked me down the aisle at my wedding, and he's loved me unconditionally since he and my mom got married over 10 years ago.

[1946] I'm an adult and married.

[1947] So this really is only symbolic, but I got a new birth certificate and a new maiden name.

[1948] Without going into too much detail, my biological father is trash, and I don't wish to be associated with him, and we haven't spoken many years.

[1949] I was worried COVID would delay what I've waited for for so long, but via Zoom in a lawyer's office, it was made official and I couldn't be happier.

[1950] My new birth certificate arrived, and I've never felt more free.

[1951] Much love to my murder girls, love Alyssa.

[1952] That is so beautiful.

[1953] I've seen a couple of those where it's either like you know adults or teenagers present that to their stepfather the ones i've seen are stepfathers and it is the cutest like they immediately burst into tears and like oh it's so lovely i love that and i think symbolic acts of like stuff like that is so important too because even though it's just like it doesn't mean anything yeah but it means something to you and you're able to move on from this past that you don't want and it's also That's also that thing of, I think, that step -parent thing where it's like, whatever step -parent you might be, that you're always kind of this outsider or an intruder.

[1954] And so how much that would mean to the parent who parented, you know, as she said, as Alyssa said, like, parented her.

[1955] Totally.

[1956] Her actual life was her real father.

[1957] Like, that's beautiful.

[1958] That's beautiful.

[1959] I love it.

[1960] Okay, my last one's from Morgie underscore Y. My fucking hooray is that I just finished as a marine animal rehabilitation and environmental education.

[1961] intern at the National Marine Life Center.

[1962] And before I left, we released four harbor seal pups back into the ocean.

[1963] They were separated from their moms due to human interaction.

[1964] And it was one of the most fulfilling things to see them successfully rehabilitated and going back to their homes.

[1965] Oh.

[1966] Beautiful.

[1967] That's so good.

[1968] Did you see the story of the man who punched the great white shark?

[1969] Yes.

[1970] Because he was attacking his wife.

[1971] I saw it on the banana's Instagram feed, actually.

[1972] okay here's my last one and actually I found this one this one's from an older set of these and I lost it because I printed them all up and lost it and I've been looking for it and I finally fucking found it this is from control shift tabs my fucking hooray is that today is my brother's birthday and we're all quarantined together in our childhood home the big doofist when asked what he wants for the big two seven dinner goes I don't know tacos probably thinking that um of supporting a local business or the nearby Taco Bell.

[1973] He forgets that I'm furloughed, anxious, and that my motto is, cooking is cheaper than therapy?

[1974] Boy, is he getting a full taco bar in our kitchen tonight and a cake delivered by a friend who is a supermarket worker and will get us an ice cream cake same day.

[1975] Fucking hooray.

[1976] Taco night.

[1977] I mean, I know there's lots of people with nightmare stories, but I do love that idea of people just everybody going back to their parents' house or apartment or whatever and just having to go be with their siblings again.

[1978] And spend time with people that you would have never had a chance to spend this much time with again in your life probably.

[1979] You know, it's like when you play some Uno.

[1980] Get in there.

[1981] Play some Uno.

[1982] Do a puzzle.

[1983] Eat some tacos.

[1984] I mean, have an ice cream cake.

[1985] What more?

[1986] Delivered.

[1987] Pull your, pull that those strings that you have in your town.

[1988] Use that juice.

[1989] Get some cakes delivered.

[1990] I love that she's like ice cream cake, same day.

[1991] Same day, bitch.

[1992] I've got fucking a connection.

[1993] What are you the mayor of your town?

[1994] You lucky deck.

[1995] Well, everybody.

[1996] Yeah, I don't, yeah.

[1997] Send us your fucking arrays wherever you feel like it.

[1998] Yeah.

[1999] Are we?

[2000] The littlest things.

[2001] Little things.

[2002] Doing a taco bar for your brother is a beautiful gesture.

[2003] We need to hear about it.

[2004] Totally.

[2005] Things that are bringing you joy and bring and things you're doing to bring other people joy you can brag about yourself any of that and of course any story about your grandma is welcome and accepted always that's right that's right anything always um all right well uh I think that's it for this week yeah I think so we we literally um quilted something together for you it's beautiful it's a beautiful quilt it'll be for sale on the my favorite murder store fuck you I'm a quilt shitty quilt start selling shitty quilts that say fuck you I'm a quilt across it for Christmas.

[2006] What else do we have to do?

[2007] We're in quarantine.

[2008] All right.

[2009] Stay sexy.

[2010] And don't get murdered.

[2011] Goodbye.

[2012] Elvis.

[2013] Do you want a cookie?