Bad Attitude? Bad Behavior? Try This.

[0] Hey moms, we talk on the podcast all the time about making self -care a priority, because when you're tired and you don't feel like yourself, it's hard to be that calm mom you want to be.

[1] That's why I'm excited to introduce Happy Mammoth, creators of all natural products such as hormone harmony.

[2] Hormone harmony contains science -backed herbal extracts called adaptogens.

[3] Adaptogens help the body adapt to any stressors, like chaotic, hormonal changes that happen naturally throughout a woman's life.

[4] Hormone harmony is for any woman with symptoms of hormonal changes, such as poor sleep and racing thoughts, even night sweats and feeling tired all the time.

[5] I feel like myself again.

[6] That's what women say over and over again in reviews of hormone harmony.

[7] It's time to feel like yourself again, moms.

[8] For a limited time, you can get 15 % off on your entire first order.

[9] at happy mammoth .com with the code calm at checkout.

[10] That's happy mammoth .com with the code calm.

[11] So if you follow us on Instagram, you'll notice that all of our videos are filmed from mountain peaks we've hiked, and what powers me is my AG1.

[12] For years, I've enjoyed the same morning routine.

[13] I mix one scoop of AG1 with water, shake it, and the first thing I put in my body is 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiose, and whole food sourced ingredients.

[14] Check out a special offer at drinkag1 .com slash calm.

[15] AG1 lets you build a healthy daily habit that takes less than one minute and promotes gut health, supports immunity, and boosts energy.

[16] AG1 is a supplement I trust to provide the support my body needs daily.

[17] And that's why I'm excited that AG1 continues to be our partner.

[18] If you want to take ownership of your health, it starts with.

[19] with AG1.

[20] Try AG1 and get a free one -year supply of vitamin D3 and K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1 .com slash calm.

[21] That's drinkag1 .com slash calm.

[22] Check it out.

[23] So you've got a child, it's got a bad attitude.

[24] Maybe they've got a nasty little attitude.

[25] They're lying, they're sneaking, doing all kinds of things wrong.

[26] So how do you change a bad attitude into a good attitude.

[27] How do you change, say, bad behavior into good behavior, especially when consequences don't work?

[28] That's what I'm going to show you today on the Calm Parenting podcast.

[29] So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[30] Thrill you're with us.

[31] If we can help you at all, please reach out to us.

[32] This is what we exist for.

[33] You can email our son Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at Celebrate Calm .com.

[34] And dozens of people do it every day.

[35] It's awesome.

[36] Read all those emails.

[37] Listen to your podcast.

[38] This is what we need help with.

[39] And we reply back because we love helping people and we'll help you out.

[40] And then people say like, oh, I want your resources.

[41] What should I get in case he puts together custom packages?

[42] It's awesome.

[43] So feel free to reach out to us and don't be shy.

[44] So, and if you need to help with anything, just let us know.

[45] So two main reasons I'm doing this.

[46] The first is an awesome email that we got yesterday.

[47] And here's what was from a mom and she said, I have been arguing and disagreeing with my husband for years over consequences because that's what he grew up with and that's what he thinks we should always do and he always thinks I'm being too lenient and not tough enough on the kids.

[48] And so we've had kind of this battleground.

[49] But we bought your special sale that you have, the CDs, and we got the downloads.

[50] By the way, we have a massive back -to -school sale.

[51] Lowest prices ever.

[52] it is awesome.

[53] It is more, you're going to get like 25 or more plus hours worth of very, very practical concrete strategies for less than it would cost you to go to the therapist office for like one or two times.

[54] It's phenomenal.

[55] So here, we'll listen to what she said.

[56] Anyway, she said, we get these.

[57] My husband binge listened and he came to me and said, I'm willing to try another way.

[58] Look, I cannot tell you how big a deal that is.

[59] When you get a breakthrough with a spouse or even within yourself, right, this breakthrough of a new way of thinking about how you view your child, it is huge.

[60] And so mom said, I asked him what changed.

[61] And he said, hearing it from another guy really helped.

[62] And we hear that a lot.

[63] And so he went on to explain, see, at work, it's second nature.

[64] When one of my employees is struggling, I ask some questions.

[65] I'm curious about what's going on at home that's distracting them.

[66] He said, I actually sometimes give them more responsive doing something that they're good at, and it tends to work like a charm.

[67] But he said, when it's your own kids, your second nature is to go right to consequences, right?

[68] You get irritated.

[69] Why do you keep doing that?

[70] Because I've told you a thousand times not to do that.

[71] And he said, he explained what all of us feel, which is like, oh, what am I doing wrong?

[72] And why can't they just listen to me?

[73] I never did this as a kid.

[74] And what's going to happen to them in the future?

[75] So mom goes on to say, for the past three weeks when he gets home from work or whatever it is and one of the kids has a bad attitude instead of snapping back which is what he has done for years he gets this really cool calm tone going and he invites them to go do something with him in the garage sitting in the back of his truck sitting in a tree fort or he just takes him on a walk and 98 % of the time they come back into the house smiling with a different attitude it's a game changer and it is is it's just it's changing your approach your paradigm the way you view your kids the way you view yourself it is controlling yourself and not reacting to your kids and giving them power over you because they will derail you and they know how to do it they're experts at it and it's not their issue because you and i are the grown -ups but when you start to see it in a different way it's really really cool so let me demonstrate this in another way so this is an email we got Great mom and dad, they've got a 10 -year -old girl and she's sneaking things.

[76] She's lying.

[77] And mom's like, I feel like she's getting away with it because there's hardly a consequence that works, right?

[78] And so yesterday there was this argument between the kids about which movie we'd watch on Friday movie night.

[79] And mom said, I said the youngest had picked one and it settled.

[80] Well, the 10 -year -old girl got mad and nasty about it.

[81] And that's happening a lot.

[82] Why?

[83] Because she gets nasty toward everyone when she doesn't get her way.

[84] Welcome to human nature, right?

[85] Especially with a strong -willed child.

[86] So later, she hid the DVD and lied about it.

[87] Now, that's, look, that's very normal behavior.

[88] I know we get freaked out about it, but it makes sense that she did it because she's just an immature 10 -year -old and she didn't get what she wanted, so I'm going to just make sure I hide the DVD.

[89] Now, Mom knew where the DVD was, so I calmly told her to go, you know what's interesting when people email, they always use the word calm.

[90] Well, I calmly told her, right?

[91] And I am proud of you for doing it to calm way.

[92] But it's really interesting.

[93] He always worked that in.

[94] So I calmly told her to go find the DVD while the rest of us waited for her in the car.

[95] She found it, of course.

[96] And then, so my mom was like, the only thing I can think of is to have her miss movie night.

[97] I think she'll care because the family is doing it together, even if she doesn't care about the movie itself.

[98] Hubby thinks she'll just have homicidal thoughts and stew all evening and that it won't be a productive consequence.

[99] And he said, I should ask you.

[100] Awesome.

[101] So we said, thank you.

[102] We appreciate your advice.

[103] So here was my advice.

[104] And I emailed back and I said, I rarely say this, but I'm glad you listen to your husband and he's right.

[105] Because sometimes we are right as men.

[106] Not usually when it comes to relationships, but he was right in this.

[107] And so I want to reframe this, right?

[108] Because consequences aren't going to change what is going on inside your daughter or your son.

[109] Maybe there's some kind of brewing resentment that, and she's kind of toying with having a bad attitude and stealing and lying and seeing what kind of reaction she gets.

[110] But that's not who she is, right?

[111] And so consequences will not magically change how a human being feels about him.

[112] inside.

[113] And I'm watching this every day.

[114] I'm fortunate enough I have an opportunity to volunteer at this, it's a little inner city community center where kids come in every day because you can't go to school.

[115] And so there's a couple adults there and then I'm helping out with volunteering.

[116] And so they're doing their school work and it's kind of a safe place for them to come.

[117] And what I've noticed with these kids as well is they don't care about consequences.

[118] But when I give them tools to succeed, right?

[119] Like when they're doing school work and I give them a tennis ball and they roll it underneath their feet, right, which is really cool for their brains.

[120] Or if they do school work, I've been taking them outside and say, why don't we do our homework standing up outside?

[121] They're like, we can do that.

[122] I'm like, you can do anything you want as long as you get your work done, right?

[123] And you know what else works?

[124] When I ask them to teach me. And that relates exactly to what that dad was saying in the first example of at work he often gives people more responsibility in doing something they're good at and that changes their attitude and motivates them and i'm noticing when i'm asking these kids who are often considered these are at -risk kids when i ask them to teach me something it immediately changes their attitude something happens in their eyes and they kind of up.

[125] So instead, let's come alongside your daughter and play to her strengths, right?

[126] What kind of special job or project could you or hubby give her that would make her feel important, valued, competent, right?

[127] Something you need help with that she'd be uniquely good at doing.

[128] Because I want to move the focus from, watch this, let's move the focus from stop her from doing bad things to get her to start doing meaningful good things, right?

[129] Because whenever you tell a strong will child to stop doing something inappropriate, you must give them something appropriate to do.

[130] And that works in the classroom, and at home, wherever they are.

[131] What is she good at doing around the house, even if it's a more adult kind of job?

[132] Because our kids are comfortable in the adult world, so try to find someone in the neighborhood who will give her a job to do, just to help out.

[133] Because you know how good that feels to know that someone values you and that you have something to give.

[134] see that will change any human being from the inside out what can she feel in control of see she doesn't get to pick the movie so i'm not going to give in on that one but she could fix a special snack let her own that look up special recipes go to the store do math by the way while you're looking for ingredients and buying things because you can do math and you can do all kinds everything subtraction addition multiplication algebra at the grocery store and maybe let her serve her popcorn.

[135] Maybe it has truffle oil or some magical ingredient on it.

[136] And then you get to see how proud she is because you played to her strengths.

[137] And let me make one other big point here.

[138] With our strong will kids and all kids, we tend to spend their entire childhood trying to get these kids to be good at doing things that they naturally struggle with.

[139] Because our kids usually aren't that great at sitting still, focusing for extended periods on subjects they aren't interested in, recalling information for a time test, following directions to do things they don't care about or they don't have any ownership over.

[140] See, think about that.

[141] We tend to spend their entire childhood cajoling them, bribing them, forcing them, right, yelling at them, trying to get them to be good at things that they're not naturally good at doing, and we spend 85 to 90 % of our energy on doing that, and what it causes is resistance, kids not having confidence, kids shutting down, instead of spending our time playing to their strengths and using their natural advantages, right?

[142] It's one of the, look, that last thing that I said about following directions to do things that you don't care about, I know you think in your head, well, but that's what life is.

[143] No, it's not.

[144] no it's not because most of us get to choose at some point our corporate career right is why i struggled in the corporate world i did not want to carry out the vision of someone else and just build some product that i don't really care about that's why i eventually created my own business right because i can carry out my own vision and we often look at it with our kids like oh they're selfish no it's just the way they're made and they need owners and I really need you to listen to the Strong World Child CD, especially listen to that one first because you will learn about the idea of ownership that you don't give your kids control of your home.

[145] You don't ever or your classroom, but you must give them a sense of ownership where they feel like they're responsible for something and especially when you let them, again, do it within your boundaries, but when you give them some ownership, they will do things for you.

[146] They will do things that you want them to do.

[147] They will listen to you.

[148] But you've got to give them that ownership piece to do it maybe in a different way or an odd way or in a challenging way because they like the challenge.

[149] And that's why you've got to become an expert and what motivates your child, not what motivates you.

[150] Because all of you conscientious left brain type A people out there, kind of like me, right?

[151] You're going to be like, well, why don't they, they should just care.

[152] they should do the right thing because it's the right thing to do and because someone asked them to do it.

[153] That's not the way their brains are wired and that's not the way it's supposed to work.

[154] It's just not.

[155] And you're going to have to figure out how to give them ownership.

[156] And once you do, man, everything changes.

[157] It's what happened with Casey.

[158] What I learned with Casey and then with 1 ,500 kids in our home is when I gave them a sense of ownership.

[159] These kids have all the hard work and persistence.

[160] They have all the creativity in there that they need, but they just have to do it in a little different way.

[161] And so when you play to their strengths, then you find their attitude changes.

[162] They have confidence now, right?

[163] Service projects are great.

[164] Because having someone else notice you, doing something well, can change your attitude really quickly.

[165] So I ended by saying, enjoy your movie night together.

[166] So you don't have a brooding daughter up in her room thinking really awful thoughts about her family.

[167] And besides, you wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy the movie anyway mom would you because the whole time instead of enjoying it you'd be thinking about your daughter brooding up in her room and that's why I want to change and I'll repeat this as we as kind of close up is let's move from stop your child from doing bad things to get them to start doing meaningful good things and instead of trying to shoehorn them into school and life right it's one of the best things that I'm things I'm excited about the school boot camp thing that we're doing.

[168] So two quick things.

[169] The school boot camp, I'm mentoring people all through the school year of how do you do school in a different way?

[170] How do you get your kids off of screens because they've got to use their screens to do their schoolwork?

[171] But how do you keep them from being on screens the rest of the day and all day, especially when you're working a job?

[172] How do you handle all that?

[173] I'm mentoring and I'm loving this school boot camp program.

[174] So go on to celebrate calm .com.

[175] You can look that up.

[176] We still have a 50 % off sale.

[177] We're doing now just as we begin it, and then it's going to start raising prices, and we have a huge back -to -school sale.

[178] If you need help with anything, contact Casey.

[179] But the other thing is I want you to spend, start putting your kids in a position to succeed, create successes, build wins.

[180] One of the things we're talking about on school boot camp is the first thing I want you to do every day is begin with a win.

[181] Look at even rhymes.

[182] begin the day with a win.

[183] Don't begin by doing the hardest subject first.

[184] I know everybody says, do that.

[185] It doesn't work with your kids.

[186] They shut down.

[187] So I begin with a win.

[188] It can be a win in schoolwork.

[189] It could be a win of like they fixed breakfast.

[190] Anything to get a win builds momentum because that's how these kids work.

[191] So if we can help you know any way, let us know.

[192] We're here to serve you.

[193] We're here to help.

[194] So reach out to Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, CelebrateColm .com.

[195] If you want us to present a Zoom conference, we can do.

[196] do that parenting.

[197] We train teachers.

[198] Casey's doing school assemblies now for all age groups by Zoom.

[199] It's really cool.

[200] We're doing a conference coming up in the United Kingdom by Zoom.

[201] We can go all over the world right from our living room and we don't have to spread germs.

[202] That said, we're still planning to go to Texas, Indiana, Ohio, and maybe Louisiana, depending on how the hurricane, what happened there.

[203] But we're going to do live events too.

[204] So reach out to us because we'd love to come to your town, whether live in person or over Zoom.

[205] But thank you for listening.

[206] Thank you for engaging, being willing like this dad to do it a different way.

[207] So because we do believe it's a game changer.

[208] Anyway, thank you all.

[209] Talk to you soon.

[210] Love you.

[211] Bye -bye.