Boy Can’t Lose Games, Girl Hanging Out with “Wrong” Friends

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[24] So do you have a child who doesn't lose well, right?

[25] So when he loses, gets really upset, or many of our kids, they'll change the rules of the game, they'll cheat or they'll quit, right?

[26] You've experienced that.

[27] Or maybe you've got a daughter who is questioning her faith, who's struggling in her friendships, maybe choosing the so -called wrong friends.

[28] Well, that's what we're going to talk about today.

[29] On today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast, this is actually kind of a bonus episode.

[30] I just got off the phone with a couple, and I've done a couple of phone consultations today.

[31] And I wanted to take some of the main learnings and really drill down.

[32] I'm not going to do the whole thing.

[33] I'm not going to go on for 20 minutes on this.

[34] But I want to make it very quick so you can get some key insights that are fresh in my mind.

[35] So first one is child who doesn't lose well.

[36] That is many, many, many of your kids because many of your kids feel like life is out of control.

[37] They don't always feel in control of their brains or even their bodies, those with sensory issues.

[38] And so they try to control everything else.

[39] They control other people, their bossy, their demand.

[40] They change the rules of the game.

[41] They cheat.

[42] They quit.

[43] They often struggle with transitions.

[44] New experiences are difficult.

[45] These are all related to the same thing.

[46] And so when they lose, they get really upset.

[47] And so just giving a consequence for that won't really change anything.

[48] Long term, a couple things we want to do.

[49] One is we want to build a child's confidence.

[50] Because a child who feels confident about himself, who feels good about himself, who has his place.

[51] and space in the world and in the family, who doesn't feel like he's the black sheep of the family, the one who's always in trouble and everybody's teeming up on him and you like his siblings better, well, a child who feels good about himself doesn't need to cheat, doesn't need to put down his brothers and sisters, right?

[52] There's all the same root in a lot of these things.

[53] And so a couple things I encourage them to do besides that is one, practice losing.

[54] Practice.

[55] practice it.

[56] So when we had all these kids at camp, for those who don't know, we used to invite kids into our actual home.

[57] And we had about 1 ,500 of them come through our home over the course of a decade.

[58] Most of the kids couldn't lose well.

[59] So I had this kid, and he played goalie.

[60] Well, he'd get furious when someone scored on him and he'd yell at his defensemen.

[61] He'd like, you guys aren't playing well.

[62] And he'd throw the ball out, the ref. And it was just kind of a mess.

[63] And his parents got embarrassed.

[64] So when he came to our house, I said, hey, here's what we're doing today.

[65] We're going to go up to the soccer field, and I would actually practice scoring on him.

[66] I would score on him.

[67] And I would kick the ball right past him into the net.

[68] And I'd say, so what does that feel like?

[69] He's like, well, you know, you're not playing fair.

[70] He's like, we're not doing excuses.

[71] What does it feel like?

[72] And he's like, well, I feel like a loser.

[73] I'm like, you're not a loser.

[74] Someone just scored on you.

[75] That's all it is.

[76] It went in.

[77] And then half the time you're going to get it and you're going to save it and have time, it's going to go in.

[78] It doesn't make you a loser.

[79] So he's like, I know, but I was like, so here's the deal.

[80] You're competitive, you're strategic.

[81] When the other team scores a goal on you and you overreact and you get upset and you throw a little tantrum, you throw the ball back at the ref, they know that they got under your skin.

[82] Now, here's what I know about you.

[83] You're really good.

[84] You're really good at pushing people's buttons.

[85] And the reason you do that is not because you're a jerk.

[86] It's because you understand human nature.

[87] You, you like to tinker with things, with Legos, with taking things apart, and you also like to tinker with people's brains.

[88] You know exactly how to push your dad's buttons and your moms and your sisters.

[89] You're really good at it because you've got a strategic brain and you're a good thinker and you understand human nature.

[90] But here's where you're not applying that.

[91] On the soccer field, you let the other team see you sweat and they know that you're upset and they're in your head now.

[92] You're the one that's usually an other people's heads, so let's apply that on the soccer field.

[93] So here's what's going to happen.

[94] I'm going to score on you.

[95] I'm going to score on you relentlessly.

[96] And every time I score, you're going to turn around, you're going to walk back, and you're going to get that ball.

[97] Now, on the way back there, you can say some things under your breath.

[98] You can scowl if you want.

[99] But as soon as you bend over and pick up that ball, it's done.

[100] It's done.

[101] And you've moved on.

[102] And you will roll that ball back to the ref and not let them see you sweat because I want them to see you as big and confident and strong, right?

[103] And so we would practice it.

[104] Sometimes you actually have to practice losing.

[105] I used to practice teaching kids how to lose at Monopoly.

[106] And I would walk them through the game and what it felt like.

[107] And we would practice saying, good game.

[108] You won, I lost.

[109] Right?

[110] So there's some values to that.

[111] I would encourage, I encourage these parents.

[112] You know, a lot of what we do in the phone consultations is not really focus on the negative things.

[113] I already know all the negative things about your kids, right?

[114] I've lived through that.

[115] What I want to find out is what do they love?

[116] What are they good at?

[117] What really animates them?

[118] And we build on strengths.

[119] See, when we find out something your child's really good at, we can use that to help him overcome some of his weaknesses.

[120] Well, this family had lived overseas and their son actually speaks German.

[121] So I was like, okay, so when he's playing, instead of yelling from the sidelines, you need to calm down, control yourself, son, because that always works.

[122] Instead, have a German code word that you yell.

[123] Allow him to speak to himself in German when he's upset.

[124] Sometimes things like speaking in German or singing a particular song bring a measure of comfort.

[125] It's unique.

[126] It's different.

[127] It throws you off.

[128] it gets you into a different mindset.

[129] Just be creative in all these different ways, right?

[130] And we talk a lot about this mom we were talking to when they played a game and she won.

[131] She started to understand that when he says, oh, you're being mean.

[132] You're cheating and doing all of those things.

[133] What he's really do is internalizing certain things.

[134] And so what he hears is, you're a loser, right?

[135] That's what a lot of kids are, kids' experience.

[136] When they lose, they associate it with your loser.

[137] And they already feel like losers because they're always in trouble, always read on the behavior chart.

[138] Because all we focus on is behavior, not building these kids up inside.

[139] So they feel like that.

[140] So when they lose, it just reinforces that.

[141] And that's why we've got to spend more time affirming what's right and giving them tools to succeed.

[142] I hope you don't get tired of me telling you that.

[143] but it's more important than you can possibly imagine.

[144] Most of the time, on the calls.

[145] Look, we get to consequences sometimes.

[146] But you know what I'm using for consequences?

[147] And this is really good.

[148] I'm just going to throw this in as a bonus.

[149] Instead of taking something away, the best consequence sometimes is a child doing a service project, an act of service, an act of contrition for that teacher, that principal, that parent, that sibling.

[150] It's a really valuable tool that's really cool and it works better.

[151] So talking to the next set of parents, and they've got a teenage girl who had pretty much spent all of her life in a Christian school, but now she is going to a regular public school.

[152] So a couple things are happening.

[153] One is she is testing, she is going against and testing her faith, and she's questioning her faith.

[154] And you know what that really is?

[155] see we get all defensive oh i can't believe that she's doing that she's turning her back on all the things we have deeply held beliefs and all that i get that it's scary if you're a person of faith but here's what we miss what if we turn that around and said honey i admire you i admire you because you have actually have the courage to speak up and say things that i've been afraid to say for many years or even decades i admire you because you're smart and you really think about these things and the fact that you're questioning your faith shows me that you care enough to get it right.

[156] See, parents, please look beneath the surface.

[157] Oh, she's questioning our faith.

[158] No, here's what it really is.

[159] She cares enough about it to actually question it because she wants to get it right.

[160] Because what she's saying inside is, if I'm going to follow this system of belief or this person, I want to do it right.

[161] and I want to do it with my whole heart.

[162] And as long as I have all of these doubts, I can't throw myself into it fully.

[163] So I need to express these doubts.

[164] I need to question these things.

[165] And then what do people like that encounter?

[166] Well, I can't believe that you don't believe and you're just doing it.

[167] And now they're shut down.

[168] Why do you think there's so many people who are angry when they shouldn't be?

[169] Right?

[170] When they shouldn't have experienced that because we get so defensive when we shut down communication when in fact we should be celebrating the fact that someone is curious enough to act and cares enough to actually to question it so that they can get it right so that then they can be fully into it and behind it that's what we really want but instead as parents we just want well you just need to be obedient to what i said why why am i that fragile and in this case is god that fragile that he can't stand someone would question something?

[171] Look, so many of the things that we believe need to be questioned.

[172] They should be.

[173] The world would be a better place if we question those things, right?

[174] So celebrate that and tell her and say, I admire you for that and I'm open to your questions.

[175] And by the way, I've had a lot of those same questions myself.

[176] I was just afraid.

[177] I was too much of a people pleaser and afraid that I was going to be rejected.

[178] And thank God you came along because you're asking the right questions.

[179] right what would that do to your conversation what would that do to your relationship with this girl right and what really hit me partway through the conversation is why are we talking about this girl's behavior she's a good kid and what i see from the outside is i see a curious girl with a really big heart who when she passes a homeless person asks her parents to stop and gives her own money to the homeless person who when they got in trouble she and her friends got in a little bit of trouble at school she defended her friends and she took the blame is that not what our faith teaches us to do right oh she's questioning her faith no she's actually started freaking living out her faith she's doing what we want her to do we just don't like the way she always does it and we're uncomfortable with her questioning when we should welcome that with open arms.

[180] And with her friends, guess what's happening?

[181] She went from a Christian school to a public school.

[182] So guess what?

[183] She's a curious kid.

[184] She's hanging out with different friends.

[185] And again, good parents will get defensive like, oh, she's not hanging out with the right kids.

[186] So instead of fighting it, being defensive and being afraid of it, enter into it.

[187] Hey, honey, I'm curious.

[188] What about these other kids?

[189] What intrigues you about them and you open up the conversation and make it safe for your your daughter to say they're really intriguing to me and they're interesting and they see the world in a different way well in what kind of ways what are you learning from them right and and you're helping your daughter actually figure it out and her place in the world you're helping her figure it out because i guarantee you in this particular case this is a sensitive girl and i can almost guarantee what she's doing befriending these kids, not just because they're different and unique, and that's interesting to her, but because they're the outcast kids who get denigrated and who get judged, and she has a big heart.

[190] And I guarantee you, look for the religious people, my Christian friends out there, she's doing what Jesus did.

[191] She's going and befriending the outcasts who weren't popular and didn't behave and dress and look the right way.

[192] and she's actually doing it.

[193] And yet we as parents sit back and judge and look at her like she's doing something wrong when in fact we should be admiring this girl for having the courage to reach out to the kids who are not the popular ones.

[194] Right?

[195] Like see how that works.

[196] We get so defensive over these things.

[197] And we miss out on this girl who's a curious girl with a really big heart who we should want to be more like instead of trying to change her just because we're not comfortable with it and just because we have our own hangups.

[198] See how that works?

[199] See its relationships change behavior.

[200] Look, if we can help you in any way, reach out to us, email our son Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at Celebrate Calm .com.

[201] Tell us what you're struggling with.

[202] We'll try to give you some ideas, some insights.

[203] We'll provide the right resources that you need within your budget.

[204] If you want to do a phone consultation or mentoring with me, sign up for it.

[205] celebrate calm .com, but let us know how we can help, but please take this to heart and start seeing your kids in a different way and giving them tools to succeed.

[206] It will change things.

[207] It will change things more than any consequence that you give.

[208] All right, love you all.

[209] Talk to you soon.

[210] Bye -bye.