#87 - Dana DeArmond

[0] Ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters, lovers and children, Dana D. Armand is in the house.

[1] Yay.

[2] Give it up for Dana.

[3] Dana and I are e -pals.

[4] We tweet each other back and forth, but this is our first time actually meeting each other in real life.

[5] Cool.

[6] You're very funny.

[7] You say some funny shit on Twitter.

[8] And you said you had a really funny thing when you broke down this Jennifer Anniston, a fucking, what's his name?

[9] Adam Sandler movie.

[10] It was really funny.

[11] Just go with it.

[12] Yeah, if you haven't seen it, what, you can get it on, it's on YouTube.

[13] It's on your, what is it say, just don't go with it?

[14] Just don't go with it.

[15] It's really funny and really like you, you know, you broke it down like a comic would break it down.

[16] Like, how ridiculous it is.

[17] First of all, I thought it was hilarious that you said that Jennifer Aniston was the human equivalent to oatmeal.

[18] Oatmeal.

[19] She's so bland and like.

[20] But that's perfect.

[21] That is absolutely perfect.

[22] It's like she's nutritious enough, but she's not really exciting.

[23] I would have called her a grilled cheese sandwich But there's a grilled cheese sandwich truck You don't see an oatmeal truck anywhere Right No lines, nobody lining up for a hearty Bullet Outs That's what I'm saying I think you're just You're being a little unfair I'll give her a little more than oatmeal But I know what you're saying You know I wonder I got no love for Jennifer Aniston She's just a chick trying to get some money Doing her acting thing She's probably nice She's got a viral smart water video And she's trying to like Be with all the YouTubers And like make a viral video to let her go do her thing she ain't hurting anybody it's easy to get caught up and hating someone for no reason and she's not somebody but why her Jennifer Anderson go go after Gaddafi Gaddafi's gonna leave or Kardashian go after Kardashian yeah how do you feel about that but then you know I mean it's it's also you know if you live in a glass house don't throw rocks right do you live your own fucking life it's a shit I but you're right her stuff what she's doing it's all like god damn bitch don't you have enough money don't you want to do something interesting now everything you fucking do is like the same goddamn stupid story you know those romance the worst date movies ever because if you're going on this date if you're a guy you're already giving into the fact that you're doing whatever you can to fuck you're gonna pretend to be someone you're not you know like I would never ask a chick to go see some crazy fucking stupid weird wolf movie if they weren't into it you know what I mean I would never but women can ask a guy to go see some wonky -ass date night bullshit Jennifer Aniston Sandra Bullock movies, those motherfuckers I love Sandy She's so poor little Sandy You love Sandy because of what happened to her?

[24] Because we kind of look alike Yeah I was just going to say Exactly why right I was going to bitch about no strings attached too because Natalie Portman You have an Oscar but still making bullshit like no strings attached Poor me I'm the most attractive person ever Me and Ashton Coucher are going to have no strings attached Friends sex, boo -hoo.

[25] They could fuck anybody, anywhere, any day of the week, a new person every single day, and they're going to make a fucking hacky ass.

[26] Oh, we're just going to be friends and have sex, and it won't get complicated.

[27] I wonder what's going to happen.

[28] Do they fall in love?

[29] What if they did it?

[30] If you're that girl, you have to understand what happens.

[31] She's sitting around.

[32] Her agent calls them.

[33] This is what we have for you.

[34] It's a big movie.

[35] It's blah, blah, blah.

[36] Everyone's all hyped on it.

[37] And next thing you know, like I've read for.

[38] shit that I really, I'm happy I never got.

[39] You could just get talked into going in on these things.

[40] Next thing you know, you're in an office.

[41] Next thing you know, you're signing papers.

[42] Next thing you're on a movie set and you're doing this fucking terrible movie.

[43] You know, boo -hoo cry for you.

[44] You know, no big deal.

[45] But I'm just saying they're just out there doing their shit.

[46] She looks fantastic, pregnant.

[47] They should do that movie, though, where it's like, it's sold like that where you know exactly what's going to happen.

[48] They're going to fall in love and cheat.

[49] But then it's actually like he murders her and like wears his body.

[50] He turns out to be an alien and he only wants her eggs.

[51] I love it.

[52] That would be a good idea for a movie.

[53] Yeah, just flip it.

[54] I saw, what was it called?

[55] Bureau, what the fuck's it called?

[56] Adjustment Bureau.

[57] I'm not behind in movies right now.

[58] I don't even know what this is.

[59] It's pretty goddamn decent.

[60] It's based on a Philip K. Dick novel.

[61] So it was really weird.

[62] It was really trippy.

[63] Like, really surprising.

[64] Like, I thought it was just going to be a typical dumb movie.

[65] And there was a lot of dumb elements.

[66] But you kind of have to have some dumb shit in a lot of movies just to wrap up a complicated premise inside of two hours.

[67] You know, you gotta have some.

[68] So people are like, hey, what about that one guy that said that thing?

[69] Well, it's also like, what is his motivation?

[70] Well, he's ridiculously in love with her.

[71] And, you know, barely, you know, why is this going on?

[72] They just met.

[73] What?

[74] I mean, come on, really.

[75] I mean, you're dwelling on this shit three years later because it's meant to be and it's all written down somewhere.

[76] It was fascinating how they went about it.

[77] I still, like, rack my brain over back to the future.

[78] And that's, like, from 1985.

[79] And, like, still things bother me about it so much.

[80] Like the time.

[81] I remember almost nothing.

[82] Like the rape part.

[83] There was a rape in Back to the Future?

[84] Yeah, Biff tries to rape Lorraine.

[85] Really?

[86] That's right.

[87] And the alternate future.

[88] Really?

[89] They just still have him like wash his car and stuff.

[90] Like, oh.

[91] You know what's weird.

[92] That time you tried to rape me. Like it bothers me so much.

[93] Really?

[94] I never even thought about that.

[95] But then again, I do take a lot of medicine.

[96] It makes me kind of hone in on that kind of stuff.

[97] What about the rapes?

[98] I don't remember anything about that movie.

[99] You know, I'm finding as I get older, like, I've definitely used up hard job space and deleted a lot of files, because I can watch movies now, and it's like I never watched them before.

[100] I watched a simple mind the other day, the, uh, the Russell Crowe movie about that genius mathematician.

[101] A beautiful mind.

[102] Beautiful mind.

[103] Yeah.

[104] A simple mind.

[105] Beautiful mind.

[106] And it was fucking great.

[107] I had no idea what was going to happen.

[108] I had no going to happen.

[109] Like, I literally didn't remember the movie, but I know I've seen it.

[110] I'm just, I'm out of space.

[111] I got no space, man. That's, like, that social network.

[112] That's what's going to happen with that movie to me in like 10 years like it was a great movie but that's not a movie you'll remember at all.

[113] I don't even see it.

[114] There's so many movies man if you really stop you know it's like and I was going to ask you this because you do porn like why the fuck are they still making porn movies?

[115] There's no way you could have seen them all right there's no way you need a noon one if you're really just beating off there's no way unless you're fixating on very specific actresses which a lot of guys do but if you're not if you're just beating off Jesus Christ who's seen them all That's one thing I've noticed, though.

[116] It is the characters.

[117] It is you like a certain actress and you start wanting to see it.

[118] Like before porn was always, to me, porn was jacking off.

[119] But then I never really got into characters since, like, Twitter, where now I'm following people on Twitter and stuff like that.

[120] Now I'm starting to get them, though.

[121] I want to see a movie with that person.

[122] So I see that now.

[123] Twitter's helping it a little bit.

[124] Yeah, that's definitely what's become.

[125] I mean, it's become that with comics as well.

[126] You know, it's like people reaching out and you develop like, you develop, like, your fan base and then you all communicate with each other and then I guess when some dudes whacking off to you it's like much more personal you know or more fun they kind of feel like they own you a little bit it's a little bit disconcerting do people get douchey with you because of that like I'm a fan like I demand this well I mean even like today coming here um people are like uh is Joe Rogan gonna fuck you and I'm like I'm a person yeah like you know like you have your thing isn't that weird though you know it's just like this isn't a movie this This is real life and you have your real life and outside of comedy and your podcast and MMA stuff and TV and movies.

[127] You have your own personal life.

[128] Right.

[129] Me outside of my Twitter feed, my bathing, my bathtub thing.

[130] What's your bathtub thing?

[131] I just spend like five hours a day in the bathtub.

[132] You just sit around the bathroom?

[133] Yeah, I just take.

[134] Can you not get clean enough?

[135] Are you one of those?

[136] No. Oh, I've done so much porn.

[137] I'm just constantly just never, ever clean.

[138] Do you do it on like a webcam?

[139] or something?

[140] No, I just like in the bath.

[141] Do you just like in the bathtub?

[142] You should do it on webcam.

[143] Is there a psychological thing there or you just like to do it?

[144] No, it's just comfortable.

[145] It just feels good to be in the tub.

[146] It's a little warm and wet.

[147] Yeah.

[148] And not wearing clothes.

[149] And it keeps me from eating.

[150] Because taking food in the bathtub is gross.

[151] Cat and the hat did it.

[152] You just get an isolation tank then.

[153] That's part of the cat and a hat.

[154] Oh, that would be awesome.

[155] When the cat and the hat comes back, that's where he starts trouble.

[156] He eats cake in a tub.

[157] See?

[158] That's where it's all down from there.

[159] That motherfucker.

[160] And he gets those little kids in trouble almost.

[161] And then he pulls it out with magic at the very end.

[162] So, yeah, most people don't eat in the bathtub.

[163] Wow, you're up to date with your cat in a hat.

[164] That's awesome.

[165] I love this.

[166] I have a two and a half year old.

[167] I know.

[168] She loves the cat and the hat.

[169] And I love reading it.

[170] Like, I get all enthusiastic about it.

[171] It's fucking great writing.

[172] The cat in the hat, especially the cat and the hat comes back.

[173] That one's the shit.

[174] Dude, have you gotten into some Shell Silver scene yet?

[175] No, man. Where the sidewalk ends.

[176] Get that.

[177] You will fucking love it.

[178] It'll be great.

[179] You will read that shit.

[180] As a kid, that's some of that shit.

[181] hat seems awful psychedelic.

[182] He's got magic.

[183] The cat in the hat's got a crazy hat and magic.

[184] Fuck Michelle Stilverstein.

[185] I'm not interested.

[186] Michelle Silverstein.

[187] Whatever the fuck you're talking about.

[188] I'm not interested, man. You're talking nonsense.

[189] I'm telling you about something awesome.

[190] You're telling me about something else and I have no idea what it is.

[191] It's very similar.

[192] Let's talk about what's awesome.

[193] I don't want to hear about the shit.

[194] You will think it's awesome.

[195] The cat is the shit, son.

[196] He's a cat with a magic fucking hat.

[197] He pulls his cat off and there's Little Cat A. Little Cat A pulls his hat off.

[198] There's Little Cat B. Little Cat C and he gets all the way down to Little Cat Z and Little Cat Z has Vum and you don't know what the fuck Vum is but Voom fixes everything And when it gets down to Little Cat Z when the fucking shit hits the fan When the cat fucks everything up He gets the tub dirty He gets pink shit out in the snow And on the $10 shoes And on mom's dress And everything is a fucking disaster And he keeps pulling out little hats So other cats can help him And they just fuck shit up worse and worse Until it gets to Little Cat Z And Little Cat Z has got the reset reset switch he pulls out boom and boom just zip bang no matter what and you little cat z is so small you can't even fucking see him he's not visible to the naked eye okay so they're going macrocosm on your ass man they're going quantum physics all right that's how bad ass cat in the head is so fuck your stupid what was her name again this is a man shell's silverstein can suck the cat in the hat's cock how about that that's what i got to say i need i need this the cat in the hats is a I need to have some kids because I haven't read this shit in a while.

[199] I need to read some stuff.

[200] You know, when you don't have kids, the idea of reading kids, cat and that story sounds like fucking painful punishment.

[201] People, when I've been in the position where I didn't have kids where I looked at people at kids like, oh, you trap fuck.

[202] Like, oh, my God, oh, you're doomed.

[203] You're stuck to that trip forever.

[204] That's how I'm looking at you right now.

[205] There's no way not to.

[206] There's no way not to.

[207] It's normal.

[208] If you don't have kids, that's how it's supposed to be set up until you have them of your own.

[209] You're supposed to complete your mission in life, like your motivation and your goals, are to be as unentangled as possible.

[210] So when you see entanglements in other people's lives, you recognize them as disgusting things you never want to see in yourself.

[211] That's why you see like if someone's acting like an asshole or someone's acting selfish or jealous, those feelings that you get from seeing them like, ugh, it's so gross.

[212] That's a message to you.

[213] You're supposed to learn from this.

[214] You're supposed to never ever be what that person is.

[215] They're there for you.

[216] When you see people with kids, if they're not yours, you get to this screwy.

[217] message.

[218] You get this message of, oh, look at this poor fuck.

[219] And you think about all the worst aspects of all your relationships and how, you know, you could possibly be entangled some other person.

[220] And then there's a fucking kid who won't stop crying and, oh, you're doomed.

[221] But when you have them, all of a sudden it's like, whoa, there's this little human and they're your little friends.

[222] And it's you.

[223] Like, it's not really another person.

[224] It's a part of you that's become its own individual.

[225] You love it literally more than you love yourself.

[226] And then reading to them and playing with them it's fun as fuck it's like you got this little pal like she makes me laugh all the time she shows me her dumps she takes these giant shits they're fucking huge they come out of this little tiny body you can't believe how big her shits are you should start twittering her twits no way no way dudes it would be jerking off to my baby shit oh fuck look at that long if it fits that it fits my cock that's what they'd be thinking oh of course there would be there's at least like five guys if you showed how big your baby shit was We're like, what else could I fit in that ass?

[227] They would think about stuff in their dick in there.

[228] I jacked off of your kid's poop today, Joe.

[229] Exactly.

[230] There's at least one guy who's going to say that.

[231] But she thinks it's hilarious.

[232] She goes, I just made a poop log.

[233] And poop is what she knows is funny because it's funny coming out of a two -year -old.

[234] So that's like the go -to word.

[235] You know, whenever, you know, what does it smell like?

[236] Poop!

[237] Everything smells like poop.

[238] Like she'll say everything smells like poop and laugh.

[239] That's fun, man. You got to get her in on, there's a show called Adventure Time.

[240] I highly recommend.

[241] It's like a trippy show for kids, but if you're an adult, you will fucking want to get high and watch it.

[242] Amazing.

[243] It's all I want to do.

[244] Really?

[245] Yeah.

[246] It's the next fun of the tub.

[247] And then it's like Maria Bamper's on it.

[248] Steve Agee said that he did something on it.

[249] Like a bunch of really talented people.

[250] It's really cool.

[251] The guy that used to do Flapjack got canceled, so now he's on it too.

[252] Fucking awesome.

[253] Would you ever do a cartoon, boys?

[254] I think that would be one of your ideal things.

[255] I think I have Well, you did a family guy Or American Dad or something like that You remember you were Well I did a, yeah I did a cartoon voice on family guy And I did Fuck what else I'd done with little kid shit I feel like I've done something before I've read some books I've read some books that became like books on CD Long time ago With Mario Lopez Oh no way Yeah it was kind of fun man Because you're reading a kid's story And you're reading yeah He was thanks a plateer Yeah he's hot as fuck And I always He's, I remember, like, you know, like, how was, I was a little kid, like, to, like, listen to a cassette of someone tell a story.

[256] It was, like, fucking cool.

[257] He'd be tucked in bed and you hear some really exciting story, you know?

[258] Yeah.

[259] So it was fun.

[260] It was fun doing that.

[261] Speaking of Lopez, remember when we had Allison on, she was exter behind Mario Lopez, and she was just staring at him.

[262] Like, she was, like, The Terminator with this really evil meat look.

[263] Well, she's done it again.

[264] But this time, she did it even better.

[265] Like, at the beginning, they, like, high five when they come back from a commercial, Mario Lopez and her.

[266] And then she immediately goes right back into the character And she's just staring at him down But she over did she overdid it this time Yeah she's overdoing it this time Just to be crazy on TV So people are what is it going on with that chick?

[267] Yeah, exactly That one bitch is crazy Exactly First time I met her when she was at Brian She's very nice very nice person First time I met her I'm like dude is that girl angry Like what's going on man?

[268] I feel like did I upset her?

[269] Did I say something rude?

[270] Because I don't know I'm like I don't even remember interacting She's got this mean thing face.

[271] But then she's super nice.

[272] Yeah, she's like the nicest person than ever.

[273] She just gets lost and overthought, I think.

[274] You know, like she's constantly just thinking about things.

[275] And then she looks angry.

[276] It's called winning.

[277] It's called winning.

[278] It's called winning.

[279] Winning.

[280] This Charlie Sheen meme has hit a, it's turned a corner.

[281] It's turned a corner.

[282] I watch the podcast and all of a sudden, this is not fun anymore.

[283] There's two.

[284] There's three now.

[285] But there's two different versions.

[286] There's one where he actually tries to do like a talk show.

[287] Right.

[288] It's very strange.

[289] And it's very cocaine.

[290] because everyone in the room is like all happy and laughing at nonsense and there's this one guy who won't stop playing fart sounds it's like you know he'd probably listen to the Howard Stern show twice and you know and said oh well this is probably all it takes just need a fucking fart board and this guy's blowing off farts in the background for no reason whatsoever and Charlie's like reading off cue cards just trying to have those synapses fire in some sort of a reasonable and understandable sequence because it's just cocaine madness in that brain.

[291] His brain is ravaged, dude.

[292] He's got blow out holes and walls and waters leaking out.

[293] No one knows what the fuck happens to your brain when you blow seven fucking gram rocks.

[294] You're snorting them and smoking him for years and years.

[295] He's fried.

[296] He's barely trying to keep it together.

[297] What if this is all a set up for a movie?

[298] It would be a fucking genius movie.

[299] Maybe not.

[300] Maybe the best movie ever.

[301] I would never ever be on church.

[302] Sheen's bandwagon, fuck him.

[303] Why?

[304] Why do you see that?

[305] Because it's just, I don't know.

[306] That's the best way to get people mad, I think.

[307] It's just to be like, I'm not into what you're into.

[308] Fuck you.

[309] Yeah, I actually have not been watching or following any of it.

[310] I feel like there's no reward in that for me. But there's a reward in following it.

[311] There's a reward in studying it like he's some fucking Lewis and Clark of cocaine and horrors.

[312] Right.

[313] You know, he's like out there in the woods and, you know, and shit.

[314] I'll tell you.

[315] Cocaine and whores have been around for very, very, very, long time.

[316] But no one's been able to rock it like two mil a week.

[317] Two mill a week is how you discover something new.

[318] He's got radical amounts of money, syndication money.

[319] And when you have that kind of money, that's how there's dudes show up with briefcases and shit and, you know, and there's 50 girls in the room.

[320] He's doing other level shit.

[321] Because you're not supposed to get that rich and still have this crazy appetite for cocaine and horns.

[322] You're not supposed to be that open about it.

[323] You're not supposed to be that public about it.

[324] Well, that's what's crazy is that that's exactly where TV's going.

[325] This whole shit is the real -ist.

[326] Supposed our life.

[327] Supposedly this is the realest you can get for reality shows now is having a U -Stream channel and seeing somebody about to die.

[328] Maybe.

[329] You know?

[330] Maybe.

[331] Or the whole thing's fucking fake.

[332] No, it's not fake, man. And it's directed by Shell Silverstein, and this is like the next biggest movie ever.

[333] For kids.

[334] In 3D.

[335] It's so scary.

[336] When you look at his body and his face, like the latest ones, the latest two.

[337] It looks like he hasn't eaten or slept in days.

[338] Like his skin is loose on his face.

[339] Yeah.

[340] He looks like an old man. Yeah.

[341] Well, it's because he's lost all this weight.

[342] How old is he?

[343] That looks like his skeleton.

[344] He's only two years older than me. And I don't know.

[345] I know I don't look like I did when I was young.

[346] I look at myself when I was young and I'm like, wow, how weird is that?

[347] Like that's me. I'm decaying.

[348] Right.

[349] You know, I'm like my body's morphing and changing.

[350] But I look better than that dude.

[351] Yeah.

[352] That looks like Hugh Hefner.

[353] Hugh Heffner right there.

[354] Yeah.

[355] That's an old man. It's like a 60 -year -old man. By the way, we're looking on U -Sstream.

[356] He has all his videos and channels.

[357] His name is W -Y -T -R on U -S -stream.

[358] That says W -Y -T -V -V -Y -T -V -E -V -Y -T -V -Y -T -Y -T -Y -Y -T -Y -Y -T -Y -Y -T -Y -Y -Y -T -Y -Y -Y -T -Y -Y -Y -Y -T -Y -Y -Y -L -Y -Y -Y -Y -N -E -Y -Y -N -Y -L -E -ROWs.

[359] Oh, it is.

[360] But this one almost has a million views, so.

[361] Does it?

[362] Yeah, maybe it is it.

[363] But here's what disturbs me. Look at the pointiness of a shoulder.

[364] Yeah.

[365] Look at the bones.

[366] Yeah, that's weird.

[367] He's dying.

[368] He's dying.

[369] Yeah.

[370] That's real.

[371] You know, he's dying and he's winning.

[372] Yeah, he looks like Steve Jobs right there.

[373] Does he need a liver transplant?

[374] Yeah, maybe that's what it is.

[375] Maybe that's why he saw all this horrors in his house.

[376] He's like matching them.

[377] He's trying to find one with the best way.

[378] Matching their organs.

[379] I'm on to you, bitch.

[380] Charlie Shee.

[381] I used to say that about Dick Cheney.

[382] The Dick Cheney probably has like seven Secret Service agents, but only six are real circuit service agents.

[383] One guy is just some dude who's got his blood type.

[384] Yeah.

[385] And they're just waiting.

[386] Harvesting.

[387] The Dick Chaney to die.

[388] So they're going to cut this dude open like a fish.

[389] Harvesting.

[390] We should check into that.

[391] One guy behind them with a truck with ice in it.

[392] It's ready to throw the heart in there while it's still beating.

[393] What blood type are all those whores?

[394] Do you guys know what blood type you are?

[395] I don't even know what blood type I am.

[396] I think I have like a cat blood type or something.

[397] Oh, positive.

[398] Oh, positive.

[399] Dana DeArmon is the only one here that's not high.

[400] Mm -hmm.

[401] She was scared.

[402] She didn't want to go.

[403] deep.

[404] A little nervous.

[405] I am a little nervous.

[406] It's very hard to be in the same room with people who are professionally funny.

[407] Because even if I'm not funny, I could just fucking open my ass and like accept a huge cock, you know, and everything will be okay.

[408] Things will pan out for me. Everybody will like you.

[409] Yeah.

[410] You'll say, wow, way to go.

[411] Yeah, because I can fall back on just, you know, being pretty is enough.

[412] You don't have to worry about anything.

[413] Just be yourself.

[414] You don't have to be funny.

[415] you don't have to be just but I'd like to be impressed you are but you know what no more than you have to be like the beautiful thing about this podcast for real is that it's like a conversation you know it's like what people get a chance to see is it's like you get an in on an interesting conversation you know so just be yourself so you're all good that's what you just be funny oh thanks but you are you are funny and if you haven't seen that clip it's very funny have you ever thought about doing comedy um I don't know because it's kind of hard because I'm like already socially social and marginalized by being a sex worker and then people kind of expect you to be like sexy and then I already had this conversation with Brian about female comics and how it's like that's already you're kind of a rung down on the ladder because you know my boyfriend, my period, my cats you know kind of stuff and it's really hard to get out of that it's that as a business is very hard for women and somebody like me coming in uh like being pretty and being a porn star and you know being like having a dirty mouth or whatever i feel like i'd be kind of painted into a certain corner of being expected to how can you be painted more than you are already i know that's what i'm saying but as a porn star how could doing being a female comic which is i mean arguably the general consensus it would be a notch many notches above on the social letter.

[416] Like, how would it possibly fuck you up by being funny as well as doing what you already do?

[417] Maybe I'm just afraid of failing.

[418] I don't know.

[419] Could be that, right?

[420] I mean, it's very intimidating.

[421] Like, I do, like, you have comedy bits for videos and stuff like that, and people kind of always call me because they need, like, a pretty girl or a naked girl, or someone will do full frontal and whatever.

[422] And I do a good sport, and I get jokes and stuff like that.

[423] But, you know, I don't know if I can just be like, here are my series of jokes and then try to like change it from, you know, I feel like I would have to fall back on being a porn star for the basis of my comedy, which is something that is kind of counterproductive to what I do as a porn star because I sort of market myself as a girl next door and a normal person, you know, so it would be like folded in on itself.

[424] No, it would.

[425] I really don't think it would because you would just be yourself on stage.

[426] I need that joint.

[427] You do need it, right?

[428] Maybe we're not on the same level.

[429] I think what you said, but you're right.

[430] Do you know what I'm saying?

[431] I don't know.

[432] We're going to help you.

[433] Just reading your tweets, I think you're fucking hilarious.

[434] And even if you just took what I do is I usually think of a tweet that I really like.

[435] And then I try to write a little story around that tweet because that pretty much is like the meat of the goal.

[436] I'm sorry, what I was I?

[437] Open that up so we can see what we're doing just in case.

[438] But that's like the meat of a joke, you know, like a tweet, it pretty much is the best.

[439] best part of a joke usually you know so I think you'd be really good at it just based on your on your what a tweet is is just 140 characters just writing material you know it's just and and not and not that's the beautiful thing about it sometimes it's just whatever the fuck you think about anything you know like I was talking about like I made a tweet last night that I was watching this Charlie Sheen thing and then he sounds like Hunter S. Thompson he's got this crazy oh I's got this crazy nutty gonzo thing going on I'm like wow this is weird like now I'm stuck Like, is that like a drug thing?

[440] It's not like you just go too far over the edge and you just, you know, everything's firing all fucking goofy.

[441] Is that what it is?

[442] Well, Charlie Sheen has been famous pretty much all his life and he was like born into a famous family too.

[443] So, I mean, that kind of sets you back a little bit to begin with because you're already scrutinized and being watched pretty closely.

[444] And you're in a bubble because you're rich from the moment you're born, basically.

[445] Yeah.

[446] What stand -up comedy makes you do is be real.

[447] is fuck you can't fake it you can't pretend something's going on it's not going on you know what's happening is happening when you're talking about something you better be actually thinking about something are those little animals out there are going to smell it they're going to know and it's not going to work like me fucking happy heckler i'm the worst yeah you heckled mike young i know it was so funny though it was entertaining to like the 11 people that were there well listen mike young needs it he does he needs it just long as you don't do that to anybody good and don't do it just because someone's bombing.

[448] Because sometimes we bomb when we're trying to work something out.

[449] No, I can't tell when people are working things out.

[450] No, I'm sure you can.

[451] I'm sure you can.

[452] You just felt insulted by what Mike Young was selling.

[453] I know that feeling.

[454] He was like peeing on my shoes and telling me it was raining.

[455] It was miserable.

[456] Yeah, well, you can, you know, guys can go down a bad road.

[457] And then he was like, hey, I see you.

[458] You have bangs.

[459] And I was like, nailed it.

[460] Burn.

[461] Like, what the fuck are you talking for?

[462] What are you talking about?

[463] with those.

[464] Oh, yeah.

[465] You can come do her...

[466] I'm a girl.

[467] It's allowed.

[468] You can come do Joe's show tomorrow if you want to do a five minute set of reading your tweets.

[469] Yeah, we're doing a show tomorrow.

[470] Oh, yeah, before I even...

[471] This weekend is Comedy and Magic Club.

[472] So this Friday and Saturday, we're at the Comedy and Magic Club at Hermosa Beach.

[473] And tickets are...

[474] There's still some left, but not much.

[475] And then next week, Friday night, we're going to Gotham.

[476] It's me and the Wild Jew in Gotham at...

[477] Nice.

[478] It's got a lot of cat hair on it.

[479] It's a alien pussy.

[480] And that's next Friday night.

[481] Yeah, and then Wednesday, tomorrow would have Sal's.

[482] Sal's Comedy Hole in L .A. Tom Segura, Christina, and Eliza Schlesinger, should be there too.

[483] A lot of people are going on.

[484] It's going to be really fun.

[485] And that's a great place to fuck around.

[486] I came up with two new jokes last time I was there.

[487] Really?

[488] Just on stage.

[489] Yeah.

[490] That's awesome.

[491] Because it's such a little intimate environment.

[492] And everyone knows that it's like you're there for that.

[493] You know, it's like, everyone knows that you're there.

[494] interior but I'm really there to do my I want to entertain you but I also want to like go down crazy roads to see what happens like completely free ball and you can't do that in a big crowd you need to do that in like an 80 -seater a 90 -seater then you just you really know what's funny and what's not you can't get off any tricks in an intimate environment a really small room you can't get off any tricks it's like it's either funny or it's not you know and it's very truthful you know and you could do that I'm telling you you could do it it's like when When you're talking about not wanting all these other things, like not wanting to be demeanor.

[495] You've already managed to avoid that in the most demeaning job possible.

[496] Yeah, I guess I have.

[497] Seriously.

[498] I mean, it depends.

[499] I don't feel like it's that demeaning.

[500] I think there could be worse.

[501] Fuck anyone that judges.

[502] Anyone that judges, anybody that's not hurting anybody.

[503] If anybody does not hurt anybody, whatever you're doing, how weird it may be.

[504] But people think that I'm brainwashed or maybe I need to be rescued or maybe I was raised in properly or you know or I'm so kind of a heathen or something that I'm just you know I need the right person to slap some sense into me because well they think that because for most people that's the case for most people in your business that's the case I mean it's not an irrational reason for them to think I mean there's a fair percentage it doesn't account for all variabilities there's a lot more variables variables there's a lot more variables it doesn't count for all of them and there's people can be you know into all kinds of things for no fucking reason And to say that it's all from abuse.

[505] So you were happy, growing up, happy person?

[506] Yeah, very, you know, mom, dad, brother, cats, you know, normal shit.

[507] Just really open about sex in your house?

[508] Like, how did you become so?

[509] I don't know.

[510] I was like, I'm weird.

[511] And I've always been weird.

[512] Like, I asked my mom, what was I like when I was a kid?

[513] And she was like pretty much exactly the same way as you are now, just shorter.

[514] And I was like, okay.

[515] been like this kind of neurotic silly person for a very long time and I never had like any sex talks with my parents I think at a certain point they were like it's really normal to experiment with sex and drugs but you probably shouldn't drink and I was like well I'm going to go get drunk because if my parents think that drugs and sex are cool they must suck or be nerdy or whatever like I they I kind of went Alex P. Keaton on them right little flip man that's something you got to really be aware of when you're raised and kids you can't just tell them what you want them to do right no you don't yeah you got to kind of figure out a way to trick them mm -hmm trick the little monsters yeah that's weird so you just ravitated towards the alcohol to be a rebel yeah I was like a like a really bad drinker when I was younger and I went through phases where I would like not drink at all but then like pick right up and like be a drunk person until I was like 23 wow yeah I was just like and like sex I mean I wasn't like super interested in it like I had boyfriends and stuff and like my parents never tried to make me feel bad about sex but the men that I was with always did like they made you feel bad about it in what way about like having other partners right sex with or like what I'm into or whatever and I was just like I always found it to be pretty strange so I guess like my parents raised me to have good ideas about sexuality but really like wasn't really pan like laid out for me in any way.

[516] Well, for men, you know, you want to know how many partners because then the likelihood of her leaving you becomes assessed.

[517] Like how long she will always stick around.

[518] That is such a sensitive thing to say, which I think is really interesting because I think that a lot of people would say, you know, you know, to see if she's like a whore or slutty or if she's like diseased or whatever.

[519] There's that.

[520] There's that, too.

[521] There's that feeling that she's not special.

[522] But I think that's pretty interesting.

[523] Well, you're going to give your love up to a girl.

[524] Yeah.

[525] Well, what the fuck?

[526] you're an accumulation of all your experiences sexual or other ones whatever the fuck you want to do I mean maybe you may miss it the only problem is it becomes like you find out about like trains that were run on her and like how many times damn bitch like how many gang bangs three fuck you know and then you start thinking how can I ever think that that sex is special between us you know how can I ever think that that this is this is a it's worthy of my love real shit yeah it's not what I see seeing the movies.

[527] It's not what I see in Sandra Bullock's movies.

[528] Sandra Bullock never gets a train run on her.

[529] She doesn't go to work and get fucking yes and then come home and want to cuddle with you.

[530] So she could fucking do whatever now.

[531] No. Not for a woman.

[532] She can go full.

[533] They can vanish.

[534] She's on the verge of vanishing already.

[535] She's 40 years old, 43 years old or something like that.

[536] She is very cute.

[537] But I mean, you're not going to want to see her as she's 60 in a romantic comedy about a woman trying to find her way and she coaches a bunch of black guys that are playing football.

[538] and she learns a valuable life lessons.

[539] Well, I mean, she kind of went like Milf, like, in that Blindside movie.

[540] She was a little bit of a, like a mom, not like a girlfriend.

[541] Yeah.

[542] Or sexy boss.

[543] It's so funny how we identify with someone who's going through some crazy, I know, she's not so crazy crap.

[544] She doesn't deserve that.

[545] She seems nice enough.

[546] Yeah, but I do wonder why she was married to that Jesse James fell out.

[547] He's like completely tattooed all over the place.

[548] Yeah, what is that about it?

[549] I never really understood that.

[550] Is that like they both enjoy something?

[551] I think he's a charmer.

[552] A charmer?

[553] There's some guys that are charmers.

[554] And I think he was very obsessed with being famous.

[555] Listen to me, I'm like I'm fucking...

[556] What do I have, Nancy Grace?

[557] What we have here is a charmer.

[558] He's a bullshit artist, and he's getting this girl to believe him.

[559] Now we have a dead baby in Florida.

[560] That's what that bitch talks about.

[561] Nancy Grace...

[562] There's a dead baby in Florida, Nancy Grace is on that shit.

[563] You will look for this story on CNN .com.

[564] You will find nothing.

[565] Here we have the mother.

[566] Come home from work.

[567] Buy cigarettes with their baby in the car.

[568] I don't know.

[569] I love it.

[570] She hates Casey Anthony so much.

[571] Who's Casey Anthony?

[572] She like killed her daughter, Kaylee Anthony in Florida.

[573] Why would she hate her?

[574] She seems cool.

[575] But no, but like the thing is she's not like ever trying to present herself as like an impartial news person.

[576] She's like, and Casey Anthony, they will figure out the truth about you because you murder your baby.

[577] Well, he's a, she's like, what?

[578] I said he's a. There's a Freudian right there.

[579] She's not supposed to be a news person.

[580] She's like a discussion person.

[581] She's a former prosecutor.

[582] Like that's the interesting part of her case.

[583] She's got to figure it out.

[584] It's a crazy thing is like when she's talking about Tiger Woods.

[585] Like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[586] Settle the fuck down, Hooker.

[587] I thought you were all about dead babies in Florida.

[588] What are you doing about black athletes that like the fuck?

[589] Like really?

[590] You're going to spend three weeks working on black athletes that want to fuck.

[591] Like, really?

[592] who are these girls where do they come from how did they get his phone number well Nancy Grace Nancy Grace would love some black cock If anybody could use some black cock it's Nancy Grace I could see her enjoy it couldn't you I'd pay for that I could see her enjoying it I could see her getting stuffed somebody just finally fucking treating her like she's really sexual and hot for like the first time in 20 30 years she'd get into it big man dango ebony sward sward yes that's how enunciated the w swart oh you're such a dad see that's fucking comedy right there that's timing you could totally be a stand -up comedian dude you could totally do it I'm telling you we're the same comics and comics and porn stars are very very similar we all come from some fucking weird place where we didn't get We can't what we were supposed to get, we were young, and there's a hole.

[593] And, you know, you fill that hole up however you want, with jokes or with dicks.

[594] It's the same thing.

[595] There's room for both.

[596] My whole thing.

[597] Yeah, I'm telling you could do it.

[598] You could fit hands in there and shit.

[599] I can't.

[600] People can clap.

[601] You got five minutes tomorrow at Sal's comedy hole.

[602] Oh, my gosh.

[603] You don't have to do it.

[604] No pressure.

[605] You don't want to, fuck.

[606] Look what happened with her with drinking.

[607] You can't do that, dude.

[608] You can't push her in a direction.

[609] She's going to push back.

[610] She's not going to take your bullshit, son.

[611] He's for psychology, me. Yeah, man. He's fucking trying to trick you.

[612] I saw the funniest photo of you.

[613] She has, by the way, she has an obsession with trannies.

[614] Like, she, like, is addicted to trannies.

[615] Drag queens.

[616] I saw one of this big black.

[617] Giant.

[618] She was like 7 -2, 7 -4 or something.

[619] She was giant.

[620] I look at you say she.

[621] He was a huge girl.

[622] She, it's so funny.

[623] How was it she?

[624] Was that even a turn on?

[625] That?

[626] I just thought that she was like.

[627] really owning her shit you know she's just like work in the room like it must be like I'm 5 -8 and I feel like I'm a little bit too tall You're 5 -8?

[628] Yeah I kind of feel tranny like sometimes Yeah I'm in touch with my Inner tranny Inner tranny my masculine side My masculine feminine side They have a pussy boner?

[629] It's a fem bone Fembone or lesbonne Depends what it's for I don't know What is that hot I don't know just making a word What are you guys talking about?

[630] No, but I'm...

[631] Why is it a terrible time to get your balls caught in your pants and you have to adjust?

[632] This conversation is going on all.

[633] Like, the last thing I want is anybody to think that I'm getting hard right now.

[634] But I'm shifting in my pants because I'm sitting on my balls.

[635] I'll put a black bar over that.

[636] You're talking about like femme boner or something?

[637] And I'm like, goddam.

[638] I do have to adjust my balls.

[639] What terrible timing?

[640] I'm very obsessed with RuPaul's drag race.

[641] I've been watching it for all three seasons.

[642] And I really like the drag queens.

[643] I used to hang out with drag queens a lot when I lived in Florida.

[644] What's the obsession, just that you find it cool or it's interesting aesthetically?

[645] When people are just really being themselves, even if it means like dressing as a different gender or whatever, it's just because that's like what they feel.

[646] It's very ambiguous and I really like that.

[647] Why not, right?

[648] Yeah, why the fuck not?

[649] Like I used to go out and like pulling drag looks with drag queens in Florida and I like blended in with them.

[650] Because they thought you were a big woman.

[651] They thought it was like a dude dressed out.

[652] The girl dressed as a dude dressed as a girl.

[653] Like, it's some pretty next level inception type of shit.

[654] It's the next level shit.

[655] Yeah, your hands are too small and your feet are too small.

[656] If you were a dude, you were really one of those people that were supposed to be born a woman.

[657] Yes.

[658] You know?

[659] Wow.

[660] That would be the worst.

[661] So it's way better to be a woman who looks like might be a tranny than a dude who looks like a woman.

[662] But those trannies that are like the, like, girl, like their like jeans are just must be.

[663] up and they just ended up with a dick but they're like really more women right they have like a whole different like if they want to do trainee porn they it's a very niche and they look more like women than like someone that maybe started transitioning later in life or that was more masculine right and so it opens their door to like be like the best transsexual prostitute or porn star or whatever like they could really like cash in on that you know if people really want to make their sex like an issue how can you be the best is it possible to compete who's the best tranny yeah they've like triny Bailey Jay got the best transsexual performer Do you do like follow the trannies I do yeah she's addicted She's addicted Trani's follow me And I follow them back And a lot of times They fool me and I think they're just hot girls They're probably just happy that someone accepts them You know I think there's a Why shouldn't anybody accept them Joe Rogan?

[664] You're right Exactly I think there's a broad spectrum We learned something here today There's a huge spectrum and all I care about People thought they were going to hear about Like that fighting stuff or like fucking stuff And we're teaching people Real values Well that means that's what this This thing is about This is just a conversation Yes You know We it's so easy to judge people Well it's easy to get Confused and we naturally gravitate Towards teams And if you're not on team Dress like a guy All of a sudden there's something fucked up about you.

[665] But if you're a fucking guy who really loves dressing like a chick, who the fucking mine?

[666] Who's anybody to say there's something wrong with that?

[667] I kind of dress like a guy and I'm like a lady.

[668] Girls dress like guys all the time.

[669] I never have a problem with it.

[670] I mean, I don't want to dress like a woman but I don't give a shit if you do.

[671] Every time.

[672] Hillary Swank's hot.

[673] Who?

[674] Hillary Swank?

[675] I think she's hot.

[676] Every time I dress like a guy, someone goes Hillary Swank.

[677] I think she's hot.

[678] I'm like, I've heard dudes say that they think she looks like a man. I'm like, I don't know.

[679] Maybe you need to get a certain amount of man in you.

[680] You mean to be a certain amount of masculine to appreciate a beauty like Hillary Swank, which is a little on the manly side.

[681] Yeah.

[682] I never even thought of that before.

[683] Strong jawline.

[684] You need to be more dominant, more masculine than her.

[685] Handsome woman.

[686] Yeah, you don't want to be like a frail man and you want to fuck Hillary Swank.

[687] She'll mount you and ground and pound you.

[688] I feel like I'm actually probably more masculine than Hillary Swank, the person.

[689] I would have to see the two of you together because when you see someone in real life, like people always tell me when they meet me, God damn, you're so fucking short.

[690] Like I never thought you were that short No, it's true.

[691] How tall are you?

[692] 5 -8.

[693] But on TV, you know, you look big.

[694] You know, you're on television.

[695] Then these people meet me and they're like towering over me. And they're like, you know, like, you meet a guy who's like six four and they're like, oh, I thought you were fucking taller.

[696] Like, you don't know what anybody's like until you actually meet that.

[697] Right.

[698] I mean, you have to, you'd have to see.

[699] Like, I've met celebrities that I thought were like these big people and there's these little tiny people.

[700] And then look at Conan and Brian.

[701] I never knew he was that tall.

[702] Yeah, he's very tall.

[703] He's very tall.

[704] Which I'm sure makes it awkward when he does his show because he towers over all these.

[705] people and he wants to be unassuming and you know you know it's it's an interesting thing so who's more manly you were Hillary's right she'd have to be sitting right next to you probably because when she did a million dollar baby and she played the boxer she's like pretty fucking manly all right she was yoked but she was yoked do you remember that I could work out if I didn't love not working out so much right but she already did it she already did it so I'm pretty sure she's more masculine than you I don't know look if you were together right next to each other and she just for that was buff doesn't mean they're like masculine the fuck it doesn't yeah it does It's all directly related to how difficult it would be to rape you.

[706] That's what exactly is.

[707] That's what it is.

[708] If you look like you'd be a tangle, like, God damn, I can't even get hard because I've got to fight for my life here.

[709] I'm feisty.

[710] If a man feels like you could just absolutely run away with you, like grab you and just manhandle you.

[711] But like, I've done porn and I've, like, tortured people on their balls.

[712] I don't think I would have any, like, trying to, like, punch someone in the face or rip their eyes out or kick them in the dick or something.

[713] Of course you would.

[714] Because I've been, like, very aggressively sexual towards men and shame them.

[715] Right.

[716] So, I feel.

[717] like that would be an advantage over a rapist.

[718] Rapists.

[719] Nobody tried to rape me because I can kick your dick and balls.

[720] All I'm saying is, are you trying to get people to rape me?

[721] I'm not saying, you know your followership.

[722] You know that.

[723] No. Please don't rape Dana.

[724] There I said.

[725] Please.

[726] And if you're thinking about it, please stop thinking about it.

[727] That's not what I'm saying.

[728] What I'm saying is that's when a woman becomes manly looking.

[729] Rape is so rude.

[730] When she looks how different, it's very rude.

[731] It's very, right?

[732] It's so inconsiderate.

[733] It's so inconsiderate.

[734] I want to fuck you even if you don't want it.

[735] This girl I was talking to the other day on, she said she was raped twice.

[736] And I'm like, I'm like, which one was the better one?

[737] Oh, no. Dude, write that down.

[738] Write that down.

[739] That's a bit.

[740] That's a bit.

[741] That's like if you had to choose one, like which one was better.

[742] You got to do that tomorrow night at South.

[743] 100%.

[744] That is a bit.

[745] No doubt about it.

[746] That's really funny.

[747] I think it's really funny.

[748] Some people on like the BTS of porn movies, they'll try to be like, when did you lose your virginity?

[749] And some people just full on as like, how old were you the first time you were raped?

[750] Did you say BTS?

[751] Yeah, the behind the scenes footage of the movies.

[752] Oh, okay.

[753] Oh, I didn't know that.

[754] Industry talk.

[755] Oh, sorry.

[756] That's from, that's one for our side.

[757] I wasn't even going to ask because I thought you were saying.

[758] Hollywood, zero.

[759] I thought you were saying like a message board, like a BBS.

[760] Oh, no, no, no. Like the little behind the scenes footage, people are like, how old were you when you first?

[761] Do they show you guys like duching and cleaning your bono?

[762] I always try to trick people into like watching me pee and douche and stuff because they're not really supposed to film.

[763] Like, peeing.

[764] No. Because, like, the distributors have, like, a problem with it.

[765] Well, it might be.

[766] Like, peeing on people.

[767] Please Google that.

[768] Some places I've seen.

[769] But I did a movie called Girls Live for Vivit Alt, directed by you Mackay.

[770] And it had a girl taking a pregnancy test and she peed on it on the toilet and they can show it because it's like in a medical environment.

[771] It's, yeah, like a normal environment.

[772] Like, pee pee pee pee pee goes in the toilet, not in Dana's mouth.

[773] A person's mouth.

[774] That's what you think.

[775] I saw a guy pissed in someone's mouth lie.

[776] It's really funny.

[777] I think it's funny.

[778] I think it's more hilarious than anything that, you know, somebody, like, they want to jack off to the movies and I want to see naked people and they want to see some weird shit, but then I also kind of, like, want to laugh, I think.

[779] But I saw this at a rock and roll show.

[780] It was a guy that used to do it called Extreme Elvis.

[781] Oh, yeah, I've met him.

[782] Have you met him?

[783] He's buddies with Doug Stanhope, and Doug was opening up for him at this bar.

[784] The guy goes up there, he's fat as fuck, and he's a really good singer.

[785] Like, he's really good.

[786] And the band is tight.

[787] You know, it's not just a bizarre show.

[788] And then the guy takes his clothes up and he has a micro -fallus, a complete micro -fallus.

[789] I mean, it's like to the point where people are laughing hysterical.

[790] I believe it's still up on my website.

[791] I believe I took a picture of his dick.

[792] And he's pissing in this woman's mouth.

[793] He goes, who wants to drink the king's piss?

[794] And this girl goes, I do, I do.

[795] And she gets her knee.

[796] And I took pictures of the whole thing.

[797] I took pictures of him, pissing in her mouth, pissing in a glass.

[798] She drinks the glass.

[799] Like it is fucking crazy.

[800] He climbs off stage and he's in the crowd and some woman tries to stick a beer bottle up his ass.

[801] He can like pee on Q. Yeah.

[802] Some woman tries to stick a beer bottle up his ass and he goes, that's the wrong hole.

[803] It's right here.

[804] Get it right here.

[805] Like he helps her stuff this beer bottle up his ass and she panics and just drops the bottle.

[806] Wow.

[807] She panicked.

[808] Like she thought she would stick her beer bottle up this guy's ass and he would freak out.

[809] Like, hey, what the fuck?

[810] But he goes, you get in the wrong hole, honey.

[811] It's right here.

[812] I'll guide you in there.

[813] And he starts helping her stick a fucking beer bottle up his asshole.

[814] Like, that's how deep this guy's ready to go.

[815] Yeah.

[816] So I run into him.

[817] I mean, I think that's art. I run into him at the Paul Provenza show.

[818] I run into him at the Paul Provenza show.

[819] And now he's no longer extreme Elvis.

[820] And I think he's like clean and sober now.

[821] He used to get hammered as fuck before he did that show.

[822] And, you know, I was talking.

[823] I've met him before a while ago, like at the bright spot or something.

[824] And I was talking out on the Paul Provenza show about a guy that I used to know who was a male feminist.

[825] That's how he would describe himself as a male feminist.

[826] and it was just this like really sad, weak guy.

[827] Yeah, he was kind of like subby.

[828] Yeah, it was very subby.

[829] And he was this guy, like this really like a bag of jello as a human being.

[830] He was just like, and eventually she left him.

[831] And so anyway, I was mocking this whole idea of like, how the fuck could you be a male feminist?

[832] And after I get off stage, he goes, well, I'm a male feminist.

[833] And I'm like, oh, wow, I would love to debate you on that.

[834] Like, we should do this on TV.

[835] I'm like, you just said it.

[836] You just said exactly what I said.

[837] like a fleshy ball of jello with a micro fallas and you're a male feminist.

[838] Well, of course you are.

[839] You have to.

[840] You look like a fat lady.

[841] Well, basically.

[842] You know, no offense.

[843] You're a bad motherfucker at what you do when you do that crazy Elvis thing.

[844] But like, you know, talking about being a feminist, like, be whatever the fuck you want to be.

[845] But you can't tell me it's not ridiculous.

[846] You're like really into the female of the species.

[847] Like you're really like thinking of them first.

[848] Like, what the fuck you're talking about?

[849] How about being a goddamn human?

[850] How about being a human across the board section?

[851] whether it's male, female, gay, straight, tranny.

[852] Who gives us shit?

[853] How about being across the board?

[854] Not a fucking feminist, you dumbass.

[855] You can't defend that.

[856] What, you only want to help women?

[857] You only want to promote women.

[858] You fucking weak, bitch.

[859] That's weak shit.

[860] That's weak.

[861] I don't even call myself a feminist.

[862] I would say, like, I'm not a feminist.

[863] It's fucking nonsense.

[864] There's certain things I can get on board with and whatever.

[865] But, you know, there's so many different ways of feminism that people come behind you and just be like, ah.

[866] And just grouping everything together, stupid.

[867] to begin with.

[868] Yes.

[869] All groups are stupid.

[870] You know, all of it.

[871] Anything where you're looking out for one.

[872] I mean, you can't fucking fix the world.

[873] I mean, there's some things that you have to have.

[874] Like, you have to have some sort of a group that's there to investigate claims of racism when it comes to jobs and stuff like that.

[875] I mean, you have to have some groups, but as a little as possible, God damn it.

[876] That's good.

[877] Sure.

[878] Yeah.

[879] As little as possible.

[880] As little goddamn groups as possible.

[881] Yeah.

[882] That's the key.

[883] You know?

[884] People get on fucking team mentality mode.

[885] and they start just going after, I'm on Team Straight.

[886] I'm on Team Queer.

[887] You know, I'm on this.

[888] I'm on that.

[889] They can't help it.

[890] I like it all.

[891] Everybody's got to lighten the fuck up.

[892] Right, Dana?

[893] Yes.

[894] Isn't that the key to this world?

[895] When people say that weed could fix the world, that's like for real.

[896] It sounds silly.

[897] It sounds silly coming from a fucking comedian and a porn star and a video comedian.

[898] But we keep it real, obviously.

[899] Yeah.

[900] So maybe people listen to it.

[901] because maybe we were a little bit more informed.

[902] I read this post on a message board the other day about this dude who talked about.

[903] He had smoked pot for the first time in like seven years.

[904] And he was absolutely terrified to his core.

[905] And then it brought up all these crazy thoughts of childhood and he could not handle it.

[906] And it opened up this fascinating discussion because, you know, some people were saying that's normal.

[907] And some people were saying, well, you got some shit you got to deal with.

[908] There's some fucking with you in the back of your head.

[909] And in your sober life, you're not addressing it.

[910] But that's why weed is good.

[911] for you.

[912] You're supposed to look at everything all the time.

[913] And a lot of us don't.

[914] We like to bury shit in the back of our head and try not to dress whatever's fucking with us.

[915] And we just turns a light on that shit.

[916] Whatever you have in your life that's fucking with you that you're trying to put deep in your subconscious, marijuana does not allow that.

[917] It doesn't allow it.

[918] So people say, oh, it makes me paranoid.

[919] No, it's making you think about the shit you need to be thinking about.

[920] You should be fucking paranoid.

[921] You should be aware of how vulnerable you are.

[922] The world is very fucked up.

[923] I had to, like, move because people were stealing my mail when I lived in Silver.

[924] Like, I had to, like, move to a high security building.

[925] I couldn't deal.

[926] Because they knew where you were?

[927] Yeah.

[928] Like, that's, and I was, like, I did think I was paranoid, but I was like, no, these people are for real, like, know who I am, and it's kind of trippy.

[929] Did you have a happy childhood, do you think?

[930] Oh, yeah.

[931] Absolutely.

[932] Really?

[933] I, my parents were involved in everything.

[934] PTA, girl scouting.

[935] I was figure skater.

[936] Do you say finger skating?

[937] Oh, okay.

[938] How does, how do you, Parents deal with what you do now?

[939] I don't know if they deal with it.

[940] I don't know.

[941] It's not really something that is a non -issue.

[942] It's a non -issue?

[943] Yeah.

[944] Really?

[945] They're like, no big deal.

[946] You're just having sex on film.

[947] Yeah.

[948] Wow.

[949] That's fascinating.

[950] Pretty much.

[951] Well, they also see that, you know, I have a reasonable, you know, amount of following and fan base and people who appreciate what I contribute to the porn industry besides just being like three warm holes and a bunch of fake hair it's you know just so you contribute being your personality and your sense of humor yeah definitely but my my parents respect my decisions which is maybe kind of a very foreign concept for most people because people's parents tend to you know tell them what to do and my parents are opposite they told me like were they religious at all No. Well, that's the reason.

[952] My parents aren't religious.

[953] What are your parents?

[954] What is their background?

[955] Oh, man. My grandmother is from Germany.

[956] And I don't think that my mom was raised with a religion.

[957] My grandmother was like a new agey.

[958] What does your dad do for living?

[959] Whatever.

[960] My dad does kind of weird shit.

[961] Like he works at a catering company now.

[962] But he was like an on -site security manager of a storage facility.

[963] And he used to be a CEO of a software company and he quit that to be a fish farmer.

[964] and then he went to, like, ranch cattle in Oklahoma.

[965] Like, my dad is just kind of all over the place.

[966] Wow.

[967] That's kind of cool, though.

[968] My dad is, like, kind of, like, a genius at all sorts of things, but, like, for that amount of time, you know?

[969] He just, like, yeah, he's, like, turbo thruster, like, your life.

[970] You know, why not, man?

[971] Shouldn't you be able to just fucking change careers in your life?

[972] My dad does all the time.

[973] And my mom works at a company that makes stuff to blow up brown.

[974] people in Florida.

[975] Like a missile company?

[976] Like some...

[977] Arms?

[978] Yeah.

[979] Some form of arms?

[980] It doesn't have to be brown.

[981] We might jack some yellow people in North Korea.

[982] Sure.

[983] We keep talking shit.

[984] Keep talking shit.

[985] Rice eating motherfuckers.

[986] We got some shit for your ass.

[987] My mom has been like in her job for a really long time.

[988] A bunch of people got mad at me. Republican people work there.

[989] This MMA forum because I, there was, we were in Kentucky and there was some fights going on.

[990] And this kid who was a wrestler.

[991] was fighting this other guy who's a kickboxer from Italy.

[992] Right.

[993] And he lives in America, but they were chanting, USA, USA!

[994] And I was like, really, Kentucky?

[995] I'm like, that guy lives in Miami, all right?

[996] We're all immigrants, all right?

[997] Everyone in this fucking country descended from immigrants.

[998] And no one was here 10 ,000 years ago.

[999] It was all ice, you fuck, all right?

[1000] That's the whole deal with America.

[1001] This guy actually lives here, and you're yelling USA.

[1002] And, you know, people were like saying, like, you know, there's nothing wrong with patriotism.

[1003] And you're enforcing your business.

[1004] beliefs on other people.

[1005] I'm like, no, I'm making fun of shit.

[1006] I think it's stupid.

[1007] You know?

[1008] You're being colored commentary.

[1009] Silly.

[1010] You're yelling at USA.

[1011] What?

[1012] Just watch these guys for their goddamn technique and their courage and what the fuck they're trying to accomplish.

[1013] And the difficulty of the task is a great goddamn fight between this all -American wrestler who beat Phil Davis and Ryan Bader's badass fucking wrestler and this Italian kickbox who's trying to get his ground game together.

[1014] It's a great fucking fight.

[1015] And these dildos, USA!

[1016] USA!

[1017] Spit all over the back of the person's head in front of them, just dumb fucking mouth -breeding cock -suckers, you know, and they get mad at you for being upset at it.

[1018] How else did you feel about that, your time over in Kentucky?

[1019] Because I grew up around there, and I, going through Kentucky was always a fun time.

[1020] Louisville is great, dude.

[1021] Louisville is a great city.

[1022] The comedy club is fucking fantastic.

[1023] The people there are super cool.

[1024] The people that work, they were super cool.

[1025] It's like, it's got this weird southern, sort of the, like, almost hippie thing going on.

[1026] There's, like, a lot of, like, young people.

[1027] there's a lot of like open -minded people there and then there's a lot of old money and then there's a lot of ghetto yeah so it's this weird combination of shit no not lexie not in louisville really louisville's old money it's like it's a rare part of the south where it's like there's a lot of like really established like social clans and groups and socialize a lot of money like really old money down there but a lot of educated people too but they're on that show the first 48 they're on that show all the time apparently.

[1028] Oh, yeah.

[1029] It's getting jacked in Louisville.

[1030] You know, I got a, I got Uverse or ATT.

[1031] Shows real dead bodies.

[1032] That's so creepy.

[1033] That's dark.

[1034] I watch it all the time.

[1035] Isn't it weird that you can show, you know, anybody getting shot in a movie, but you can't show people really fucking.

[1036] Yeah.

[1037] It's amazing.

[1038] Or like a woman experiencing sexual pleasure.

[1039] It's like, okay, if it's like the dude going, oh, but like not a girl.

[1040] You can have a girl having an orgasm.

[1041] It's very not done.

[1042] Yeah.

[1043] Right.

[1044] Does it ever happen?

[1045] Yeah, you never, you never see, like, the girl coming.

[1046] It's always, even if it's the guy.

[1047] Like, even, like, when Howard Stern did that, um, private parts and the girls, like, on the speaker, um, like having an orgasm because Howard was making the noises and stuff.

[1048] I remember that was so shocking when that came out.

[1049] Like, that was so, yeah, when that movie came out.

[1050] Fuck, yeah, that was hot.

[1051] Like, that was a movie series.

[1052] And he's going, boo -b and the microphone.

[1053] She's, like, went, ah!

[1054] Yeah.

[1055] That was, yeah, that was cool.

[1056] That's interesting that it's not thought of as.

[1057] being very important if you come because it's all leftover barbarian shit and we used to hold you down by your hair and just shoot a load in you and run away.

[1058] That's what it is.

[1059] That's how people made babies back then.

[1060] That's gross.

[1061] It is gross, but it's the reason why men are stronger than women.

[1062] Why aren't you strong too?

[1063] You're not strong too so we can rape you easier.

[1064] It's really that simple.

[1065] There's no logical reason why you wouldn't be like...

[1066] That's why God made me tall.

[1067] We're stronger to fight off other men that want to fuck you and kill the babies.

[1068] That's what we're strong for.

[1069] That's totally right.

[1070] strong to rape you and to fight off other men.

[1071] That's it.

[1072] Because otherwise you would be strong too.

[1073] That's why I'm glad those guys wrestle each other so they get all out of their system instead of trying to rape me. This is shit that academics haven't even considered, yo, they haven't even looked into this so deeply.

[1074] They're scared because of social constructs.

[1075] We had Ari Shafir on his podcast had a guest that was addicted to going to bath houses or I mean massage parlors to get late.

[1076] Did he say his name?

[1077] No, no, no. Did you have him on with a mask on her?

[1078] Yeah, the Spider -Man mask on.

[1079] Oh, yeah, dude, I almost said his name.

[1080] Yeah, I know.

[1081] But anyways, that was close.

[1082] Sorry, this is live.

[1083] Maybe we should consider not having this live.

[1084] Even Charlie Sheen edits his shit.

[1085] But so anyways, I never knew, like, I always heard the hand job thing where they say hand jobs.

[1086] But he was talking about how there's places here in L .A., many places that he can get just, like, fucking full -on hooker sex.

[1087] What?

[1088] And he says that he's gotten to the point where he has places that has full.

[1089] favorite places with his favorite he's like yeah this isn't like an LA 10 at this one place and it's a hundred and fifty dollars and you just fucking there sit there and fuck after you do that at 15 minute massage whoa and he says he says they even bring out the women so they can look like the bunny ranch where they they all call and say hi and stuff like that at massage parlor is there a thing where you can get you the massage part of your sex massage at the end because I think that would be like more relaxing yeah there's places they give you a legit massage and then they jerk you off at the end I would take the massage at the end I would take the massage at the end, though.

[1090] The crazy thing is, really?

[1091] Yeah, fast out the gate, and then I get the wine down.

[1092] Oh, I see.

[1093] So you would go, wow, that's interesting.

[1094] For a guy, I think, is the opposite, right?

[1095] Give me the massage first, and then beat me off.

[1096] Don't pee.

[1097] Yeah.

[1098] Because after you beat me off, I just want to go away.

[1099] Yeah.

[1100] I'm done.

[1101] See ya.

[1102] And I don't mean the massage.

[1103] That's good.

[1104] I feel good.

[1105] I'm loose.

[1106] He ought to go.

[1107] When men have an orgasm, there's a fucking instinctive need that you have to overcome to just run.

[1108] Like, as soon as you come, just to get away.

[1109] It's true in real life.

[1110] Fuck the movies.

[1111] In real life, when a guy comes, I'm telling you, he wants to run away.

[1112] I mean, you want to stay if you love your wife or your girlfriend and you, you know, you have this relationship together.

[1113] But if you don't, if you don't know each other that well, then all of a sudden you fuck, you're like, get me out of here.

[1114] What have I done?

[1115] I like to snuggle.

[1116] Sometimes, sometimes if you really love the girl.

[1117] You're a male feminist.

[1118] But there's a lot of times when you're not.

[1119] There's a lot of times when you just want to run.

[1120] Especially if you're drinking.

[1121] If you're drinking and you know that somehow you know that you've allowed the alcohol and your penis to talk you into some unreasonable situation and then as soon as you orgasm, that it just becomes clear what the fuck happened and then you want to run away.

[1122] Get me out of here.

[1123] So what I'm trying to say is it's way better to get the massage first.

[1124] Okay.

[1125] Loosen you up, then jerk off.

[1126] You're like, we're done.

[1127] We're done.

[1128] We're done.

[1129] Thank you.

[1130] He also said that how he got an escort once and he was in this weird, like, small town.

[1131] It was like three o 'clock in the morning.

[1132] and he only had two options and like on the internet he found like their websites and one the lady was already out doing something else but the other one you know like it would show her eyes only and then it would like show like her leg or something like that because it couldn't show the whole thing and so he's like fuck it am I do this and she had a really nice or you know it seemed really nice on the phone or stuff then she comes over and it was like she was just like had like stab wounds she like her teeth were all fucked up and her voice sound like PJ Stansberry was like hey I'm hey come over here and stuff like that and he said it was so bad that like he would like felt like he it was impossible to fuck this girl so then he goes uh yeah i have this thing and i like to do it's where you give me a blowjob i put a blanket over you while i watch porn and she's like all right you know and then afterwards she's like do you mind if i finish myself up you got me all hot and bothered and so she just puts one leg up over on and just starts fucking masturbating oh god it's called skeptic tank two uh arre shafir skeptic tank too a death squad podcast but listen to That's so sad.

[1133] I have a friend that has been addicted to go into those massage polish forever, and he's never had a girlfriend as long as I've known him.

[1134] I've known him for more than 10 years, and more than 10 years that I've known him, all this guy does is he's not a very good -looking guy, and he's not built very well, and he went bald really young in life, and he's never been successful.

[1135] And he just has a real hard time.

[1136] He gets real nervous around chicks.

[1137] So he just goes these Asian massage places.

[1138] He just gets whacked off all the time.

[1139] So a good percentage of like, he doesn't make a lot of money.

[1140] So the good percentage of what this guy makes every week goes just getting whacked off.

[1141] And like he takes them out on date sometimes.

[1142] He was talking to me about it once.

[1143] We were playing pool and he was talking to me about it.

[1144] It was like, yeah, well, you know, I'm taking her on a date this Friday.

[1145] I go, what?

[1146] You're going to, okay, all right.

[1147] Don't judge him, Joe.

[1148] No, no, I'm saying, do you think, is she going to be your boyfriend?

[1149] Are you going to be her boyfriend?

[1150] Like, what's going on?

[1151] Like, you guys going to, yeah.

[1152] That would be a good romantic comedy right there.

[1153] She just wax off dudes all day and then comes home.

[1154] You fall in love with your job masseuse.

[1155] I felt like the way he was telling me, it was almost like he had talked her into doing it because she didn't want to lose him as a customer.

[1156] You know, times are tough.

[1157] You know, when you get that steady 700 a week coming from one dude.

[1158] Yikes.

[1159] You know, when you think about it.

[1160] Can't he just do it himself like every other day or something?

[1161] Yeah.

[1162] Kind of he like just fucking find a fat chick with a mustache and just be like, look, we can fuck each other once a week, but I have to get really.

[1163] really drunk every time I do it She's like, okay You can get jerked up by cute Asian girls What are you talking about?

[1164] He's already plateaued on the higher His horizons are set far higher You don't understand human nature, son You're talking some unrealistic nonsense Doesn't work that way right Dana That's right Joe Back to you And the traffic today is sponsored by the Flashlight You totally can be like working for entertainment tonight right now We got you as a comic Are you going to lay cam?

[1165] Yeah A leg cam Yeah Mary Hart Gotta light my legs Real nice Oh that's right Do they light her legs Grease them up Do they She had a leg greaser For sometimes It seemed like Like sometimes it would go Like Mary Hart's legs Were just like greasy Like she just had Banana oil All over her and shit like that Yes Isn't that funny man Oh my gosh Oh we're gonna have our own show Yay Does that make sense to you Being a woman Being a woman seeing like Men like freaking out About body parts And seeing like like that's all you need to like sell a car is some woman with slinky legs that like folds them over and gets in the front seat and everybody wants to buy that fucking Cadillac there's pussy in that car you know this is some crazy connection what is it like though to be a professional woman like that to be a professional sex symbol like dudes are they look at you and 99 % of them are thinking about sex they're thinking about sex that you've had and what you're selling if I wasn't in the business I'm in I feel like people would probably look at me that way anyway.

[1166] Do you know what I'm saying?

[1167] Yeah.

[1168] Why's that?

[1169] Because I'm always like I'm trying to talk it out with my coworkers and stuff and I'm like I think this guy just wants to fuck me because I'm a porn star and then like Manuel Ferrar looks at me and goes no idiot they want to fuck you because you're hot.

[1170] And I'm like oh okay.

[1171] Yeah.

[1172] I mean anyone can make up whatever backstory even if they've seen like a like a digital image on their computer or not people can like when you see a hot girl you are have a whole your imaginations are right run wild.

[1173] If I worked with you at BAS and body works, I would want to fuck you the whole time I was at that.

[1174] Right.

[1175] Exactly.

[1176] Why would I work at that?

[1177] I am not as full of myself.

[1178] I've just, this is information that I've acquired for my thesis.

[1179] No, it's nothing wrong with that what you said.

[1180] You're being honest.

[1181] Yeah, it is honest.

[1182] It's also very possible that he wanted to fuck you because he saw you fuck people on film.

[1183] Right.

[1184] Right.

[1185] You know, I've never I've watched her fuck one time on film now.

[1186] That's fine.

[1187] Yeah, I was just I mean, you can't.

[1188] That's what it's for.

[1189] It's not just like you have to stop looking at me naked because we're friends now.

[1190] That's funny.

[1191] It's just not the way that it goes.

[1192] That's funny.

[1193] there's no social taboo between you watching porn that I'm in just because we're friends a lot of people that I find in porn it's kind of strange there there's lines that they draw you know there's very distinct lines like I remember this couple that I meant we were doing the man show and this couple came on and they were talking about how they're allowed to fuck other people while they're both in porn but then off work you're not allowed to just go randomly fuck people right and I was like wow that's a that's a weird distinction like how do you figure that one out like you're okay with them fucking whoever at work but that was the other other thing like one guy was on the set and his girlfriend started sucking this guy's dick when the camera wasn't running he's like hey what the fuck and he got all mad that's weird how crazy is that how crazy is that he's like i've worked with people you guys aren't even filming and she's just sucking it's like what what's up i i've actually i've worked with people and have the same kind of thing where it's like uh they can do whatever they want on camera but the guy has to like stroke himself like when he's like getting ready to go like the girl can't help because that's like against their it's like maybe they might be the same people I don't know isn't that crazy but yeah it's just they're socially monogamous they have a rule there's a line that you draw well I you're allowed to fuck I used to date a guy in the business and outside of work we didn't fuck around or whatever no and he did some things that I found were questionable and he was like there's a camera in the room and I was like you're a fuck that's fucked up that's not the same thing right oh that's hilarious Yeah.

[1194] Home porn doesn't count?

[1195] No. But, I mean, it just, your boundaries are your own, and it doesn't matter what you do for a living just because you're a comedian.

[1196] No one's allowed to tell jokes in my house besides me, you know, that's just not the way that life works.

[1197] Right.

[1198] But if you have a, like, some kind of contract, like marriage or you're with somebody and you say, okay, well, we live together now.

[1199] So, like, I don't want you sleeping with other people, even though I do porn.

[1200] for living.

[1201] Do you know what I'm saying?

[1202] It's just because that's what you've arranged between the two of you.

[1203] That's a weird thing though.

[1204] Why arrange anything?

[1205] Why make something that someone can't do?

[1206] If you're allowing the most sacred of sacred things, you're allowing this person to fuck other people, right, on film.

[1207] Why not just allow them to be themselves?

[1208] Why put any boundaries?

[1209] Just here, come here at night and this is where we live.

[1210] I don't know.

[1211] Because I don't know if sex is not that sacred to some people, maybe.

[1212] Because maybe like the people that I work with They don't have my address.

[1213] You know what I mean?

[1214] And maybe that's a little bit more.

[1215] My privacy and my security is more sacred to me than the actual physical act of sex.

[1216] That's true.

[1217] Right.

[1218] Yeah, that's true.

[1219] It's like, pleasure.

[1220] It's like, would you get mad every time you masturbated to the video or, you know?

[1221] No, what I'm saying is why put a boundary on it, though?

[1222] Why put a boundary?

[1223] And not necessarily, I see what you're saying.

[1224] Because people are like, you know, with their Virgo and they're just, you know, they want things to be a certain way, you know, so they can be in their realm of comfortability.

[1225] Let people do what the fuck they want to do and find someone who.

[1226] you're compatible with instead of trying to morph someone to your expectations, that's the number one problem with relationships.

[1227] Yeah.

[1228] People find people that are incompatible with them and they try to make them fit.

[1229] And it doesn't fucking work that way.

[1230] If one person's a control freak and the other person's anal and what if they don't want to do the thing that they've agreed that they don't want to do, you know?

[1231] Like isn't that compatible?

[1232] What?

[1233] They've agreed.

[1234] You had too many negatives in there.

[1235] I don't know where the hell you were all.

[1236] Sorry.

[1237] He took you down.

[1238] That's a huge level.

[1239] Like, you know, what if their compatibility lies that they both, you know, for what reason or another think it's okay to do porn, but outside of work, they agree to sleep with only each other.

[1240] And if they come to that together, that's definitely a compatibility.

[1241] Yeah, good point.

[1242] Yeah, if they're all agree, if they both are happy with.

[1243] And it's not based on necessarily judgment or whatever.

[1244] It's just, you know.

[1245] I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it.

[1246] I'm just saying it's an odd thing that you don't have a boundary on someone fucking people on camera, but you do have a boundary with them doing it for pleasure.

[1247] on their own with another person.

[1248] Because that might be emotional.

[1249] What art is or what porn is or what sex is.

[1250] It's understood when you're fucking about sex.

[1251] Right, exactly.

[1252] Porn is acting and athleticism.

[1253] Athleticism.

[1254] Is that what they're calling ass fucking these days?

[1255] I don't look like a spider monkey.

[1256] I'm a crazy person and it's not comfortable.

[1257] It's not for you.

[1258] It's for the camera.

[1259] It's, you know, it's and it's hard to do something that does not feel good and act like you feel like it feels good to you like you literally get fucked sideways sometimes it really fucking hurts it just like you ever stretch it out before shoots you know like butt plugs and stuff like that what is it like what is it like I don't need to I have like a huge butt right my but holes humung it oh god is it easy for you to poop is it easy for you to poop faster never poop like can you just sit down and like take care of it in like three seconds and then just launch it out there like spores coming off a mushroom Like a dandelion.

[1260] Yeah.

[1261] It's like a t -shirt launcher.

[1262] Yeah.

[1263] You have to have an airtight toilet.

[1264] She has to have an airtight toilet.

[1265] She puts her, squeezes her legs together and covers her snatch with her hands so the shit doesn't blast out through the bottom of her legs.

[1266] Oh my God.

[1267] I just blows out like a broken fire hydrant.

[1268] Just blam.

[1269] She's just hanging on.

[1270] She has to take a shower every time she shits.

[1271] It's just the back of her legs.

[1272] Looks like she went skidding down a muddy hill.

[1273] There's no containing her shit.

[1274] Oh my God.

[1275] Her assholes like the Lincoln Tunnel.

[1276] It's a one -man roast of Dana Diarmond's assort.

[1277] It looks like the back of your shirt when it's raining outside and you're on your bike and the mud is skidded up the back of your shirt.

[1278] You're so immature.

[1279] I'm laughing because I'm disgusted, not because it's hilarious.

[1280] I'm disgusting at myself as well.

[1281] It's horrible.

[1282] So as it...

[1283] So the butt...

[1284] You're not into butt sex in real life?

[1285] You just...

[1286] Yeah.

[1287] I am.

[1288] Are you good at sex in real life?

[1289] Like, is it the same as...

[1290] Is it the same where you're pretty...

[1291] I think I'm better on film.

[1292] Yeah.

[1293] Because I like to exaggerate my movement.

[1294] Right.

[1295] Why don't you do that in real life?

[1296] Lazy bitch?

[1297] Yeah, are you very stationary?

[1298] Are you like, I'm only on the top.

[1299] I like to be like held down and like smush.

[1300] Are you serious?

[1301] Are you serious?

[1302] Well, hey, I, uh, I got one of this.

[1303] A little bit.

[1304] Yeah.

[1305] Make sense.

[1306] You're a big girl.

[1307] really don't.

[1308] Fuck off.

[1309] It does.

[1310] It makes sense.

[1311] Naturally, genetically, you need a strong man to turn you on.

[1312] Like being restrained.

[1313] You want to feel that if this guy wanted to take it, he could take it.

[1314] Sure.

[1315] That's what it is.

[1316] It's natural.

[1317] You're a big girl.

[1318] Not bad.

[1319] Not in a bad way.

[1320] You are a good specimen.

[1321] If you wanted to make warrior children, you'd be a good specimen.

[1322] I would.

[1323] Warier children with flexible buttholes.

[1324] You have the perfect DNA for it.

[1325] Yes.

[1326] Is it hard to date people as a porn star, do you find?

[1327] Or is it like more of a challenge, do you think?

[1328] It depends on the person.

[1329] I dated a guy a couple of years ago.

[1330] And when we met, like, he knew what I did and stuff like that.

[1331] And I did not want to be involved with him.

[1332] And then we started sleeping together after a really long time.

[1333] We kind of like warmed me down a little bit.

[1334] And then after the, it was like kind of fucked up.

[1335] We weren't off to a good start, I'll admit.

[1336] But, you know, I get bored too.

[1337] So after we had like started dating or fucking fucking in dating He then like looked at porn that I was in and decided that he wanted to be a spaz about it and be like I don't know Like knowing you do those types of things.

[1338] I don't know and I'm like yeah you already knew But now that now you want to be bothered because you're a drama queen That's nothing to do with what I do.

[1339] It's just that you know this feeling for some feeling feelings were also getting starting now.

[1340] Before it was like zero feelings I just want to fuck you now now it's starting to like love gets involved you know I think that's probably a natural part of the whole process of wearing me down is like I don't judge you like I think it's fine and it's like really great because you're really successful and then I just kind of like kind of nose dived into like you do those things I think for a lot of men it's very important when they meet a girl that they're sexually attracted to they want that girl to like them and I think that is the root a lot of bullshit and the guys don't even realize they're doing it it's a genetic thing it's a a predisposition to wanting to be sexually attractive and so they start pretending to be someone who they're not and then they get into the relationship and then it's a couple months in and they're relaxed and comfortable and they're like why am i with this crazy bitch i'm not even into this and yeah yeah it's like there's there's a lot of dudes that are just trying to put it together like they don't have the luxury of like actually being honest and trying to like meet someone that they actually like.

[1341] They're so caught up in the game of trying to fuck a chick, and it's so difficult for them that when they finally get one, they tackle her, they get it in there.

[1342] They're like, oh, got one, good.

[1343] Okay, what did I pretend to be doing to do this?

[1344] I'm not a fucking vegan.

[1345] I want a steak, shit.

[1346] Yeah, oh.

[1347] You know, you start wearing yoga beads and stuff.

[1348] there's dudes that will, you know, they meet a girl that's willing to fuck them like once every couple months and they've got to work hard to take it down.

[1349] Just keep it going.

[1350] Yeah.

[1351] So they pretend to be someone or not.

[1352] It's like spinning plates.

[1353] It's just sex.

[1354] Each plate is a different lie.

[1355] What we do together is love.

[1356] That's just a movie you're making.

[1357] Oh yeah, that same drama guy.

[1358] He was like, I was like being really depressed or something like that.

[1359] And he like wanted to lay it on me like, you can't live inside your own pain.

[1360] And I love you.

[1361] And I was like, get the fuck out of me. I was like, you're creeping me out.

[1362] You're being weird.

[1363] I don't know where you heard that shit.

[1364] Get the fuck out of my house.

[1365] You heard that.

[1366] Because it is something you would hear.

[1367] That's that something you think out.

[1368] That's nonsense.

[1369] Yeah, it was like, you're full of shit.

[1370] Get out.

[1371] Never come back.

[1372] Delete my phone number.

[1373] The most sexually unattractive thing ever is someone is full of shit.

[1374] Yeah, so gross.

[1375] It's just so gross.

[1376] People are full of shit like, oh, God, it's such a bummer.

[1377] You know, when you hear someone say some nonsense, and then you have to mock them, and then they get mad at you from mocking them, and then it all fucking falls apart.

[1378] I used to date this girl used to write poetry and it was nonsense it was nonsense I mean it was her form of expression but it was so clearly affected and fake and just designed to like fucking fire off all the rights and it was just so artificial so clear so clear that it was just a bullshit that she was slinging it was so offensive are you a poetry snob though or do you like just like high quality I love Bukkowski you know what I love about Bukowski I mean it's a lot of his stories are like really dark his little poet but it's that's a fuck what that guy's thinking about for real.

[1379] That is his real life that's what he's thinking of.

[1380] That's all I require of an artist.

[1381] What inflames me is when I think someone is trying to pretend to be someone else.

[1382] Whether it's a human or a singer or a comedian or an actor, I feel like you're bullshitting me. I feel like you're bullshitting me it's offensive.

[1383] You know you're reading me your fucking crazy poetry hooker insulting to your intelligence.

[1384] you're mad at me that I'm laughing at this nonsense?

[1385] Tell us a horror story from doing porn.

[1386] What's one thing that sticks out just you fucking, like, you just awful experience.

[1387] Did you ever, like, say, okay, never again?

[1388] I used to do a lot of, like, BDSM stuff where I was a sub.

[1389] That is, okay, explain that to everybody who's not crazy.

[1390] That's so mean.

[1391] BDSM, most people don't have any idea what that means.

[1392] Bonded, well, it's like, kind of like that.

[1393] Stadomasochism.

[1394] S &M is Sotomascism.

[1395] And when you say a sub, you were the one that they torture.

[1396] Submissive and dominant.

[1397] Right.

[1398] So it's bondage and...

[1399] Domitrix.

[1400] You know, some shit like that.

[1401] Yeah.

[1402] It's like a code.

[1403] I don't know, whatever.

[1404] Right.

[1405] It's like being in the Army.

[1406] ROTC.

[1407] Yeah.

[1408] It's like being in ROTC.

[1409] It's all extreme things.

[1410] We try to invent little shortings of them.

[1411] Oh, yeah.

[1412] So, yeah, it would be like electrocuted and tight up.

[1413] bondage and like you know hit with different where your nipples everywhere nipples like you're in your body with like pads my pussy inside my butt holes oh my god like while in like very strict bondage and stuff like that oh my god whoa whoa whoa it was very challenging you know and it was something that I was really legitimately interested in when I was in my early 20s and it's something that I thought that maybe you know so I consider myself to be a kind of a tough person and I felt like if I if I met these challenges it would prove how tough I was god damn yeah I don't know you got electrocuted inside your butthole yeah what percentage of the population has ever been electrocuted inside their but I don't know I mean they produce like the tens units and I mean they're sold like as medical equipment and stuff like that I'm sure a fair amount of people have gotten their hands on them you know and so when you get your hands on some medical equipment what's the the first thing you do you say well let me stick this thing on my ass and turn this bitch on What was that 9 volt battery on your asshole?

[1414] Well, there's people that are into like sounding and stuff and put a pitchhork in your urethra.

[1415] Right when you're about to come stick that 9 volts up your ass.

[1416] Oh, shut!

[1417] Be like Ironman loads.

[1418] I don't think it works that way, Joe.

[1419] You don't know, though.

[1420] Oh, I think I do.

[1421] It makes mode of them sounds.

[1422] Yeah, but penis, it might make the guy shoot longer loads if you electrocute his bottle.

[1423] I think I have more experience.

[1424] with more penises than you What do you got?

[1425] Whoa, whoa, whoa, you don't know that.

[1426] There's no...

[1427] I assume.

[1428] I'm more than willing to submit to you on this.

[1429] Yes.

[1430] I'm alfing the entire room.

[1431] No, me. So how long did this whole session take where they're electrocuting your vagina and your asshole?

[1432] Oh, man. It was a first site called wiredpussy .com and you do...

[1433] Wired pussy.

[1434] Wired pussy.

[1435] So it's all electrocuting pussies?

[1436] There's a site?

[1437] It's like female on female subdom.

[1438] And they electrocute each other's pussies.

[1439] Yeah, and they play games.

[1440] Like who can take the most electricity or they'll chase blindfolded and partially tied up women around with a cattle prod that makes noise.

[1441] And you could either go toward it or away from the sound.

[1442] But if you go away from the sound.

[1443] Just when I thought I reached the bottom of the darkness.

[1444] Yeah, no. There's like just a surface.

[1445] That's where I started.

[1446] Have you ever had your pee hole fucked?

[1447] have you ever seen that you've seen that what about this before yeah there's videos out there of guys fucking girls my peaholes like really small and it stretches just like your asshole I can't no I'm very sensitive oh my god don't say never you gotta reach goals you gotta you gotta build oh that one that's right like modifying my body I went through a phase of like piercing and stuff like that when I was younger do you have some tattoo above the cookie I do but I'm having it removed and that is so fucking painful.

[1448] It's worse than any like butthole extricution I've ever gotten.

[1449] Really?

[1450] It's that bad.

[1451] It's that bad.

[1452] It's so painful.

[1453] It, um, like, agitates the ink molecule in your skin and makes it explode.

[1454] And with each treatment, it just gets smaller and smaller and it grow, it metabolizes out of your body.

[1455] So you have to wait a couple months in between sessions just like long enough that you could forget how much fucking pain you are in.

[1456] You have to go in and do it again.

[1457] Fuck that.

[1458] I'm just keeping waterfalls.

[1459] I got an old tattoo in my shoulder that I want to...

[1460] Yeah, it's around my belly button.

[1461] I got a sleeve that I'm doing on my right arm and I have an old tattoo up here that I have to get removed and putting it off.

[1462] Just get a black, big black box on.

[1463] Get some black flag tattoo.

[1464] How much worse is it than the actual tattooing?

[1465] It's so much worse because you have to go like 20 times.

[1466] Really?

[1467] And it's like, it's like it's like just like a very...

[1468] It's like you could feel like the impact of the laser going into your skin it feels like being snapped with a rubber band really hard it instantly burns and it makes your skin swell up and when you get a tattoo it kind of scratches the surface of your skin when you get lasered it's like affecting the color inside your skin so the blood kind of seeps out like a sponge yo I'm gonna I'm gonna wait 10 years I'm gonna wait for the technology to get a little bit better you just turn me to fuck off to that laser tattoo a little don't do it I'm thinking about cooking my arm like that I'm like what am I Like that.

[1469] You can damage your skin, right?

[1470] No, I mean, it's safe.

[1471] It doesn't scar.

[1472] It doesn't?

[1473] No. I mean, that's the purpose of it being such a long, slow process.

[1474] I mean, you could just cut it off if you wanted to.

[1475] But I wouldn't say that that's the best idea ever.

[1476] So let me ask you this.

[1477] If wired pussy .com calls you up next week and says, hey, we're looking to do a shoot.

[1478] Are you done with that?

[1479] Yeah.

[1480] I would top.

[1481] I've gone back to be the Dom into torture girls and stuff.

[1482] Because I feel like I can confidently say I know what I'm doing and I wouldn't do something to somebody else.

[1483] that I haven't had done to myself.

[1484] Yeah, but look at what you've had done to yourself.

[1485] I know.

[1486] And if they're not a badass bitch like me, then they don't get to fuck me. Would you ever do fart porn?

[1487] Yeah, I fart all the time in my movies.

[1488] You fart in your movies?

[1489] It's just like when you get fucked in the ass, like your butt is open and gaping is like the big thing where they want to see in, they want to see your lower colon.

[1490] They want to see it all in H &Bloat and 3D.

[1491] I don't know why people like it.

[1492] They just do and I, you know, and just whatever.

[1493] So, like, the air goes into your chasm and then you have to kind of fart it out.

[1494] It's not like I fart.

[1495] Like, I'm eating a can of beans like a hobo and then I'm going to light my farts on fire.

[1496] Have you accidentally ever sprayed?

[1497] No. No. I think I've accidentally peed on people at work and then be like, I'm squirting or whatever.

[1498] And I don't know.

[1499] What is squirting exactly?

[1500] Is it really?

[1501] When in the movies where a girl is, like, shooting.

[1502] And it's obviously, you can see it coming out of her pee hole.

[1503] Right.

[1504] I'm assuming that.

[1505] a lot of people that watch these movies don't know what a vagina looks like or anything and they don't know where all the liquid shooting out of the girl's vagina area or her love zone or whatever nerds call it but isn't a pee hole but hold on a second because that's where it would come out anyway because isn't a pee hole like literally like when a woman gets testosterone treatment to become a man her clit grows to become like a small penis and that the penis is obviously where any sexual ejaculate it would come out of.

[1506] So, of course, it's going to come out of where you pee.

[1507] I don't really know.

[1508] What is it?

[1509] Is it real?

[1510] I mean, this is like big foot.

[1511] I mean, I used to date a girl that fucking juiced on me and it was like in my belly butt in like a puddle and it was not, it wasn't pee -though.

[1512] It was just, it was like a broth.

[1513] Because there's like, yeah, there's like, you know, the, when the women's vagina gets moist, it's not dripping out of her peehole.

[1514] It's coming from inside.

[1515] I don't think this is moistening.

[1516] It's not lubricant.

[1517] That's, that's what.

[1518] squirting is supposed to be.

[1519] And when you see it coming out of the pee hole, it's pee.

[1520] Whoa.

[1521] Yeah, but I know that it was supposed to come out of a vagina like that.

[1522] And a lot of times when you see like this Spider -Man like trick that they do when they like finger the pussy and they like press like on the outside of the.

[1523] Spider -Man?

[1524] So you do the fingers like when Spider -Man shoot his web?

[1525] Yeah.

[1526] This is like the Axel Braun method.

[1527] I watched instructional videos and I was like, what are they doing?

[1528] And they're basically just like pushing on the bladder and just forcing P to come out.

[1529] Jesus Christ.

[1530] What?

[1531] Yeah.

[1532] And they're just pissing all over each other.

[1533] That's exactly what it is.

[1534] Like, if you had to force piano somebody, that's exactly how you would do it.

[1535] So that's what all that spraying is.

[1536] So there is, so girls are spraying on dudes, they're pissing all over them.

[1537] Yeah, unless they have like an extra juicy G spot or something like that.

[1538] Like, I'm not going to say, like, I'm not going to say female ejaculations and myth because I'm not a doctor and I can't say that.

[1539] I mean, and, you know, pussies get wet and some pussies are wetter than others.

[1540] Yeah.

[1541] we're talking to an expert here Dana D. Armand here live on the podcast.

[1542] Not a doctor, not a doctor.

[1543] Call in now.

[1544] Can you put a condom on a dick with just putting it in your mouth and doing that trick?

[1545] I cannot even remember the last time I used a condom.

[1546] God damn.

[1547] Do you ever worry about diseases?

[1548] No, I get tested every three weeks.

[1549] So how do you keep clean when you're just going raw dog?

[1550] Because everybody gets tested every three weeks.

[1551] Right.

[1552] Then you have three weeks for a porn star though.

[1553] Jesus Christ.

[1554] How many, how many sari dicks can you be expected?

[1555] supposed to in three weeks.

[1556] Like I worked with Mark Wood twice last week, so it's like the same same weiner, same week.

[1557] You guys develop like a relationship when you have like sort of an on screen.

[1558] Yeah.

[1559] I mean, I think the people I work with are cool.

[1560] It's not like I'm like, ooh, like I'm so super corny for you.

[1561] Let's do things after this.

[1562] How many of them wanted to do?

[1563] Like he's married to Francesca Le, you know, and they're fucking awesome.

[1564] And I know both of them.

[1565] I've worked with both of them.

[1566] How many the dudes that are in porn wanted to do mainstream things?

[1567] but couldn't make it and have like some sort of a weird thing where they I don't know it seems to be like a lot of guys are musicians and they're all like trying to get together like a band with all the other dudes sling and dick yeah they should call it that'd be a badass name for a band yeah slinging dick um but i mean i don't maybe i'm a i don't know maybe i'm just like oh i'm at work i'm doing my work things but i don't really ask people too much about their have you ever worked with tyler night yeah tyler's a very good friend of mine We were actually just both on Star Trek The Next Generation.

[1568] Oh, really?

[1569] A triple X parody, DigitalSin, and Revolution X coming soon.

[1570] And that was like a big dream for you.

[1571] He was Jordy, yeah, and I was...

[1572] She's a huge Star Trek fan.

[1573] I'm a nerd.

[1574] I was stoked.

[1575] I called my dad and I was like, I'm reading for the part of Ensign Row for the Star Trek parody.

[1576] And he was like, that's so cool!

[1577] And I was like, no, dad, if I don't get this part, I'll die.

[1578] Like super seriously like, no, I need, this has to be my part or I'm freaking out.

[1579] Tyler is a friend of mine from Jiu -Jitsu, and he's a really good writer.

[1580] Have you ever read any of his stuff?

[1581] No. He's got a blog online, and some of it is about, he's very smart.

[1582] He's such a cool guy.

[1583] He's cute, and he's smart, and he's very polite.

[1584] Yeah, he's very well -spoken.

[1585] He was on the podcast.

[1586] We had him on, and he's a fascinating dude, but I already knew that from talking to him at Jiu -Jitsu and stuff, but his writing is great, really interesting stuff, and his writing is about the porn business.

[1587] He's got this one story that he wrote about a gang -bang that is just like, you, you You fucking feel the loads on the floor like as you're reading it.

[1588] You feel like this sticky room.

[1589] You feel the heat of all these guys behind him.

[1590] He does a masterful job of describing this fucking incredibly gonzo, bizarre film that they're doing.

[1591] You mean, you get paid 50 bucks and you wait in line.

[1592] You're like one of a hundred guys waiting to, you know, and you're jerking yourself off as you're getting up to this girl who's just covered in loads.

[1593] There's loads all over the ground.

[1594] Everywhere you walk, there's loads.

[1595] It's just like slippery and wet.

[1596] You're stepping in, guys, loads.

[1597] I've never done one of those.

[1598] There's these little signs that say slippery when wet that they have to put up around the woman.

[1599] You know, they got arrested.

[1600] That would be awesome.

[1601] Who was the first person to do that?

[1602] Was it the first?

[1603] Or were there as long as before her?

[1604] I have no idea.

[1605] It was probably before I was born.

[1606] Because the numbers you just keep going up.

[1607] You know, at one point in time it was like the most people.

[1608] Some Asian women, I think.

[1609] She had sex with like 200.

[1610] Sex, Annabella Chong.

[1611] And she's got a fascinating documentary.

[1612] And like you, she's very intelligent.

[1613] She's very unusual.

[1614] I think she was a student at UCLA I might be wrong UCLA or USC but she was like she's an intelligent person and she just had this weird desire to test the boundaries of her acceptable sexuality by doing a gangbang film but it was really interesting like it was it was because it was you know they really like got into like her psychology and who she is like this is a complex sort of a fucking case where this woman wants to experience the ultimate taboo you know my agent called me one time when he was like what's the most number of coxial suck in one like one time and I was like I don't fucking care you know and he was like you know how about 11 and I was like fine like what differences make if I fuck 11 dudes in the same day or in pairs of you know ones twos and threes and three's on well I would just imagine and after like the third or fourth giant black cock your lips would start to get numb in your head though is 11th 11 cock days.

[1615] Because you're like fucking like the same amount of time.

[1616] When you stretch your mouth, like that shit would, that seems like it would make your lips numb after a while.

[1617] Yeah, a huge mouth.

[1618] I do have a huge mouth.

[1619] It's good for my career.

[1620] Comes in handy.

[1621] Now, did you know that you wanted to be a porn star when you were younger?

[1622] Is this something?

[1623] No. I actually did like part of this as like a bit with the Midnight Show guys.

[1624] This is your life, Bob Gutione.

[1625] This is the Midnight Show guys?

[1626] Yeah, UCB.

[1627] Oh, okay.

[1628] You know, how, how, Rudnick and stuff.

[1629] And I was like, oh, this is your life, Bob Guccione, and I come out.

[1630] And I'm like, oh, I've been such a big fan of you forever and stuff.

[1631] Because when I was, like, in the first grade, probably six years old, I found a stack of Playboy magazines that were in the woods.

[1632] No, they were my uncles.

[1633] My uncle stayed with us part -time.

[1634] No, there was out.

[1635] They were just, like, out in his room.

[1636] And I remember I took one of those magazines to school to first grade And I was like, this is what a naked lady looks like You know, I was like such a boy I was sort of tomboy when I was that age But I but even then I was like This is like what a sexy lady looks like And I want to grow up and this is you know I want to turn out like this a sexy lady Like that's kind of like that appealed to me I thought wow she's she's gorgeous she's all made up she's you know pretty and naked and thin nice boobs you know and I was like yeah that like really appealed to me from you attracted to girls before you started doing movies yeah and I and I also thought like if I'm if I don't turn out to be this I had like a fail safe in my brain I was like if I don't turn out to be a sexy lady I would at least want to be with one like have one like as my girlfriend or like just you know be in the presence of that because it was appealing to me, and I found it attractive.

[1637] I'm a gay.

[1638] I'm a big gay.

[1639] I came on your show because I want to say that I'm out.

[1640] I have a big pussy boner.

[1641] And I have a pussy boner.

[1642] And I take it an ass.

[1643] So how did you get into your first film?

[1644] How did it come about?

[1645] How old are you?

[1646] How long have you been doing this?

[1647] Shoot.

[1648] Seven years.

[1649] Seven years.

[1650] 24 when I got in.

[1651] I'll be 32.

[1652] And what were you doing before that?

[1653] I was a strip.

[1654] I was a drunk stripper too I'm the best kind and how did someone approach you and say I like the way you dance?

[1655] No absolutely not no actually quit drinking I think I already told this story in your show maybe I quit drinking and I got fired from being a stripper and I had been thinking about applying to this porn site because I had fucking machines on it and this is how I got into the business fucking machines just of sheer like morbid curiosity of fucking a robot and just really thinking about it and I used to like masturbate in the shower and like thinking about fucking a robot and fucking a robot on the internet I heard it too totally and I heard it's awful by the way what was your experience like fucking a machine I had a lot of fun really talk to girls that's fuck robots I actually talked about it today no joke really this comes up all the time for Brian that's hilarious you just have that face that people feel like they can approach you and talk about fucking robots he seems like the guy of the end of it you really kind of into nerdy things just have one of those faces so yeah I just ended up applying to that site and that's how I got to do all the bondage stuff is because it's the same company ran hogtide and wired pussy and all these holes and they even have a female wrestling say ultimate surrender where they have women wrestling they so they've got the market cornered on kinky pain shit yeah absolutely wow what a weird business that's huge they bought the armory up in san francisco they it's basically a castle you know what I saw that online or on a television show rather there was some sort of of an expose on it about how much money they make and how big their business is.

[1656] Huge.

[1657] Enormous.

[1658] But they also, they really improve that neighborhood.

[1659] They give back to their community.

[1660] They do a lot of stuff.

[1661] You know, they open their drill court to, you know, when they have parades and shit, like people can set up their floats.

[1662] They open their private business to the community to do things or have swap meets inside there.

[1663] San Francisco.

[1664] It's not like it's like a crazy jungle of naked people running around and like fucking.

[1665] Right.

[1666] They're doing things in studios They're people in offices On computers San Francisco is a place where that would be accepted San Francisco's in my opinion It's the most open -minded city in the whole country You'd be surprised they were in the Wall Street Journal Talking about like people are We know there's people fucking in there And I was thinking going to be some people like that You have kids Your neighbors have kids Where do you think their neighbors came from?

[1667] The amount of people that would support it Would be much larger in San Francisco Than anywhere else Of course you're always going to come across People that are very vocal that want to fight something.

[1668] But all in all, San Francisco is the most open -minded city, I think, in the whole country.

[1669] Hmm.

[1670] We should do a study on that.

[1671] I mean, could you imagine that happening in Chicago where there's a whole block filled with people that are tying people up and fucking them with rubber robots and shit?

[1672] You know, that could only take place in like San Francisco.

[1673] I don't think there's any other place that would accept something like that.

[1674] New York, maybe.

[1675] I mean, it seems like New York has a lot of fucking the bondage clubs.

[1676] New York and L .A. would be the only other options, I think.

[1677] And I think they'd be met with a lot more resistance in New York or LA.

[1678] Also, like, Europe, anywhere.

[1679] Berlin, Budapest.

[1680] I was in Berlin and I turned on the television and, no, not Berlin.

[1681] Oberhausen, Oberhausen.

[1682] And I turned on the television and there was a whole gang bang on TV.

[1683] Just a full -on gang bang.

[1684] There's just no warning.

[1685] Just flipping through the channels.

[1686] And yeah, there's 10 people fucking in a room.

[1687] I'm like, wow, this is wild.

[1688] Like, they have a totally different attitude about it.

[1689] They just show the shit on television.

[1690] It's pretty intense.

[1691] What are you doing there, Brian?

[1692] you're looking at I just looked at the basis for Allison Chains died.

[1693] What?

[1694] When?

[1695] Of what?

[1696] Mike Star.

[1697] I don't know him.

[1698] So you don't care?

[1699] Fuck him.

[1700] He was on celebrity rehab.

[1701] I don't know if you remember him.

[1702] Charlie Sheen says, he looks like they found his body in Salt Lake City.

[1703] Charlie Shane lives winning.

[1704] Still alive.

[1705] Barely.

[1706] He doesn't have Tiger Blood.

[1707] I don't know.

[1708] He doesn't have a Donus DNA.

[1709] It's not a freaking rock star from him.

[1710] Well, I guess that guy probably didn't have to pay girls $30 ,000 to have sex with him either.

[1711] Oh, he's probably has.

[1712] He's got a lot of money.

[1713] Shit.

[1714] Make things happen.

[1715] He's a rock star.

[1716] Tracey thing is Charlie SoCub.

[1717] And not like a doughy, like slippery, sweaty guy with five kids.

[1718] Charlie Paises his girls.

[1719] They still talk.

[1720] I would rather fuck a rock star than like somebody has fucking five kids.

[1721] Well, the crazy thing is that Charlie Sheen calls himself a rock star, but he's on this really family sitcom for like the longest.

[1722] He's on this complete family sitcom, you know?

[1723] I mean, it's like this really bland, you know, kind of do -da -da -d -d -da -wank.

[1724] You know, it's no edge to it.

[1725] It's like really vanilla, you know?

[1726] And yet it's the number one comedy for some reason.

[1727] I talked to my friend today and he watches it every week and I'm like, really?

[1728] You watch that show?

[1729] There's like a fat kid, Charlie Sheen and like a gay guy.

[1730] Yeah, yeah, but he's like, well, it's like, it's the exact same show every week.

[1731] You know, it's like the same premise every week.

[1732] But he's like, it's one of those shows you could just kind of watch, you know, and it's easy to watch.

[1733] It's smooth enough.

[1734] It's smooth.

[1735] And it's funny enough.

[1736] Well, you know what, man?

[1737] I mean, reality television has proven that you don't really need to be that funny to get people to watch it.

[1738] You just need to people, it needs to become a part of their everyday existence.

[1739] They get like, let's see what's going on on ice road truckers.

[1740] Shit, the boys are on a slippery road again.

[1741] Again.

[1742] Be comes, I mean, ice road truckers.

[1743] There's a show about slippery roads.

[1744] I mean, if that can exist, you can have a show about anything.

[1745] And a sitcom that's, like, been around for a while.

[1746] it's fairly decent.

[1747] He's got a few good laughs in it.

[1748] But I bet for Charlie Sheen, it's like, he's smoking Coke and banging whores, and then he's going and doing this super bland television show.

[1749] I bet that built up inside of him.

[1750] I bet that, like, made him go more over the edge.

[1751] His character was pretty much himself, though, in that show.

[1752] I mean, it might have been a vanilla show, but he still was a drunk guy that just fucked a bunch of chicks.

[1753] I mean, it was like it wasn't, he wasn't really off his road a little.

[1754] No, no, no, sure.

[1755] It was, what?

[1756] Can he act?

[1757] Can we see a platoon?

[1758] You see Wall Street?

[1759] Charlie she didn't get to act as fucking ass off.

[1760] I didn't see either of that shit.

[1761] I've seen a bad motherfucker when he's a young man. He's not in that, does he?

[1762] Yeah, he's in the office.

[1763] And he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like the really hot guy that's in trouble and the girl's there with him.

[1764] Jennifer Gray's.

[1765] She's all excited about him.

[1766] What was the movie that Charlie She should have kept that nose, right?

[1767] That wasn't a bad nose.

[1768] Just that's your nose hooker.

[1769] What was the movie that Charlie She was in hot shots?

[1770] He was in scary.

[1771] movie three or four.

[1772] What was the movie that Charlie Plains Sheen played himself, but it played like him, like he was friends with the main character.

[1773] I think you're thinking of John Malkovich.

[1774] Yes, John Malkovich.

[1775] That was an awesome cameo with him in it.

[1776] Do you remember that?

[1777] No, hardly.

[1778] As far as I can tell, it plays himself, I think.

[1779] Yeah.

[1780] I don't know.

[1781] Charlie Sheen, you see Patoon.

[1782] He's a bad motherfucker.

[1783] I haven't seen that.

[1784] See Wall Street.

[1785] It's not bad.

[1786] It's very good.

[1787] It's all fucking good.

[1788] You know what holds up, dude?

[1789] What?

[1790] Silence of the Lambs.

[1791] Holds the fuck.

[1792] I watched Silence of the Lambs the other night It's a good goddamn movie still It still holds up In the basket Yeah it's good man It's well written It's well acted Dude fucking Anthony Hopkins Was a bad motherfucker in that movie Still you know He's become like this guy that does Like these movies that suck He played the Wolfman's dad You know I mean the Wolfman dad He's possessed by a demon in every movie Every single movie No but he was also in Super Mario brothers Wasn't he?

[1793] He was in something fucking dad can retire not that.

[1794] Even in The Wolfman, which is a terrible movie, he still has these scenes, these moments where he's just this bad motherfucker.

[1795] He's just doing crappy -ass movies.

[1796] But you go back to Silence of the Lambs and you realize what he's capable of, if he gets a good script, if he gets a good part.

[1797] Anthony Hopkins just smashes it out of the ballpark in that movie.

[1798] Fucking smashes it, dude.

[1799] He's so on, like it crackles.

[1800] Like, it makes you nervous for her while she's talking to him.

[1801] Like, you fucking believe.

[1802] 100 % that dude has murder in his mind when he's talking and he's talking to her Anthony Copkins is fucking thinking about eating her he's thinking about cutting her he's allowing himself to go to some crazy dark place where he's acting where you can tell like that's really what he's fucking thinking about man he could turn it on he can go to that dark crazy psychotic worst case scenario human example he can go there in his mind that's the difference man just like comedy man it's like you you have to really be fucking thinking about what you're saying there's not just the words and the noises that represent certain things to me I got to know that you're thinking about these things as you're saying them you know that's the difference between a great performance and a performance that's just kind of mediocre and can trick dummies you know if someone's really nailing it I told a 22 year old actor that just got here from LA I was like acting is just pretending like you don't know what you're going to say next and he got so offended and he ended up moving back to Tennessee fuck you can't take the heat stay out of the kitchen bitch.

[1803] Listen, if that's all that set this fucking kid off with some porn star telling them that acting is fake, I've always said that if you can lie, you can act and if you can lie to a crazy girlfriend, you can act under pressure.

[1804] It's not that hard.

[1805] It's just pretending.

[1806] The hard thing is auditions.

[1807] Auditions are way harder because you have to pretend that it's happening when you're in this really unrealistic scenario.

[1808] You're sitting in this office and there's people in desks, chairs, and they're facing you with paper in their hand.

[1809] They're reading off the paper.

[1810] And you're responding like it's real.

[1811] You're like, this is just, I'm good, man. You're like, this is just too strange.

[1812] It just doesn't, it doesn't ring real to me. I don't really do well in those types of scenarios.

[1813] Have you done any 3D movies for real yet?

[1814] Yeah, I just did three penthouse movies.

[1815] And how did they, do they, how do they differ from, like, doing regular movies?

[1816] Do they make you do weird angles?

[1817] Like, you have to spread your lips out towards the cameras or something?

[1818] Well, like, when you disrobe or something, you would, like, sort of throw your clothes toward the camera or you kind of, like, put, like, one leg off the bed, like, kind of dangling toward the camera.

[1819] or something so what about when guys shoot loads do they shoot them at the camera I don't I don't really notice I'm like kind of like in the zone you got to be careful if you're not if you don't have a pillow behind you you don't want to smash your head on the headboard the camera has to be like eight feet away for for the 3D effect to work so you got it like clearly you've never seen my loads you've never seen the distance I can get very very far away what is it about some dude what did some dudes eat like Peter North what does that guy eat to make so much sperm it's ridiculous Zinc supplements.

[1820] Is that what it is?

[1821] Zinc.

[1822] And my ex -boyfriend told me also PC exercises, like the muscle that you used to, like, stop your pee.

[1823] Oh, right.

[1824] You know, like a kegill, like a woman has a kegill muscle, like the PC muscle is what guys have, I guess.

[1825] Apparently, if you just do that a lot, it can strengthen the muscle and you'll shoot further.

[1826] Really?

[1827] Yeah.

[1828] Doing it right now.

[1829] Practice it.

[1830] Some people just drink egg whites.

[1831] Exerciseing it right now.

[1832] Egg whites.

[1833] Yeah.

[1834] They think if it looks like loads, loads will come out more.

[1835] I've seen people do it type shit yeah yeah that's probably it's like psychological man it's probably some placebo effect it's like the secret but with loads yes you know put it on your vision board you believe I'm gonna shoot the longest load ever who do you think is the furthest anyone's ever shoot a load because I remember hitting myself in the face once when I was 16 and being shocked that is shot oh yeah I pulled out and you know my my head was down I was looking and it blast me right in the face I still do that I make it rain all the time.

[1836] Like, I'm fucking, why is this squirting on my forehead?

[1837] Yeah, sometimes they go really far.

[1838] Like, what's the furthest you think?

[1839] Anybody's ever shot a load?

[1840] Spider -Man.

[1841] What is the furthest?

[1842] Is it even five feet?

[1843] Probably more, right?

[1844] I would say so.

[1845] I mean, it depends if you have an arc, what the temperature's like, if there's the headwind.

[1846] Yeah, yeah, it's like how long your dick is.

[1847] Because a guy like, you know, some giant dick, John Holmes type dude would have a massive advantage.

[1848] Yeah.

[1849] He's got a six -inch reach advantage.

[1850] It's like John Jones.

[1851] But maybe it loses some pressure.

[1852] going through that long -of -a -tank.

[1853] Dude, I like what you think, scientifically.

[1854] I like that.

[1855] Maybe a shorter barrel will get more of a explosion.

[1856] You got a lot.

[1857] It makes sense, right?

[1858] Like a 38 special.

[1859] But it seems like a rifle would be much more accurate, right?

[1860] Yeah.

[1861] Here's a little tip, by the way.

[1862] If you put a little bit of green...

[1863] Shotgun, just bunk shot out.

[1864] If you put, like, St. Paddy's Day, you know?

[1865] St. Paddy's Day.

[1866] This is awesome.

[1867] St. Pettys Day.

[1868] Put a little bit of green of food coloring around your dick before you have sex.

[1869] And when you shoot out, it actually is green.

[1870] Yeah, that's good.

[1871] And what if you make a baby and it fucking looks like the Hulk.

[1872] A green baby Stupid asshole What if you ruin the baby What if it gets in the spermatozoa And the spermatozoa gets some crazy green signal And shoots it into the egg And somehow under the kid becomes green That would be fucking awesome I wonder if it's ever happened before I mean if any Not that But I mean if anybody's ever like done something Where like the kid came out of funky color Because of that I'm sure that people have probably been tricked To think that Like maybe a white woman having a half black baby And was like, ah, it's a recessive gene.

[1873] Right.

[1874] Right.

[1875] Back in the old days, right?

[1876] Look, that's the story of Jesus.

[1877] Right.

[1878] I mean, the story of Jesus most likely is it marries a whore.

[1879] Right.

[1880] That's the story of Jesus.

[1881] Right.

[1882] Immaculate conception.

[1883] Right.

[1884] Come on, bitch.

[1885] Yeah.

[1886] What kind of crazy shit is this?

[1887] But back then, the biblical days, you just had to accept it.

[1888] Maybe she was raped by one of those strong men.

[1889] Maybe she wanted it.

[1890] She cried rapes.

[1891] Yeah, she dressed in like that.

[1892] And those fucking robes.

[1893] I see your ankles, bitch.

[1894] Yeah.

[1895] See you, right?

[1896] Yeah, but she had a dirty ass, too.

[1897] And back then, you only lived would be like 30.

[1898] You had to get your rapings in while you could.

[1899] Oh, my gosh, this is horrible.

[1900] You guys.

[1901] Listen, you've had an electric charge inside your asshole.

[1902] This is horrible.

[1903] So is this conversation.

[1904] Yeah.

[1905] We've all agreed to be here.

[1906] And these people have agreed to tune in.

[1907] And I know, 2 ,360 of them right now are regretting their choice.

[1908] Oh, you guys, it's cool.

[1909] No, it's cool.

[1910] That's a lot of people.

[1911] It's actually 26.

[1912] Well, it's going to be a lot more than that.

[1913] I forgot.

[1914] anyone was watching this right now you've done other podcasts before right you've done Sam Tripoli did you do Marins too that squad you did Marron I just did the Nerdist podcast oh see you're that's what's fascinating about you it's like as far as like girls that are in your business you're much more known for your personality than any of the other ones thanks and I think a lot of it is those videos that you do you know yeah like the Adam Sandler video you're breaking things down yeah like what else you do you have a mailbag where you read people's email yeah when my space when I when my space was before it was like just a spam graveyard I would get like this really super heinous hate mail that was so just so many different levels of wrong and rude and misspelled and English and yeah just like really mean like I hope you get fucking cancer in your brain and dive AIDS because you're a whore and you should accept Jesus in your life and I'm just like that makes no sense yeah right Jesus Christ would not fucking waste his time to wish me dead of AIDS and cancer Like, get with it, man. Yeah, Jesus Christ would try to help you out, you fuck.

[1915] Yeah.

[1916] You know, get Jesus.

[1917] How about you, dude?

[1918] Ignorance.

[1919] Well, there's a lot of that out there.

[1920] You know, when you're allowed to be anonymous, it's a very normal situation.

[1921] It's an unnatural situation in human behavior.

[1922] We're supposed to like, we get rewards and we get pleasure and we get all this from interacting with each other.

[1923] But when you're interacting with each other completely anonymously through like wires and it's all ones and zeros.

[1924] You can take them down a peg and say something really mean.

[1925] Dude, I get that all day.

[1926] I get it every day on Twitter.

[1927] There's always some dushy dude who says something.

[1928] And I just block them.

[1929] Like, I'm not, I don't have time.

[1930] I'm not going to argue with you.

[1931] It's not like we can't spare followers.

[1932] You have 200 ,000 something.

[1933] I have 37 ,000 something.

[1934] I mean, it's cool.

[1935] Not even that.

[1936] I would rather have one that follows me. That's nice.

[1937] That's it.

[1938] If 280 million people wanted to be cunts, I would stop being on Twitter.

[1939] It's so rude.

[1940] It's fun, though.

[1941] The cool people way, way, way outnumber the shitheads.

[1942] And, like, you get, like, really cool interact.

[1943] Like last night I wrote on Twitter that Charlie Sheem was reminding me a Hunter S. Thompson the way he's talking and I said we were right outside of Barstow when the drugs began to take hold and then I got like hundreds and hundreds of tweets of people quoting Hunter S. Thompson lines from the book.

[1944] It was fucking great.

[1945] It was really good.

[1946] Let's get down to brass tacks.

[1947] How much for the ape?

[1948] And they just kept coming over and over again.

[1949] I'm like, this is fucking awesome.

[1950] Like this is like a really interesting thing to interact with like -minded people.

[1951] There's a lot of smart people on the internet.

[1952] Yes, yeah.

[1953] I have a message.

[1954] board and I want you to be a part of it because you would fit in like a fucking glove.

[1955] It's a great message board and it's all psychos and weirdos.

[1956] What's it called?

[1957] And you're a moderator now.

[1958] It's on joeyrogate .net.

[1959] We'll make you a role.

[1960] I'll make you a moderator for sure.

[1961] We need more women.

[1962] We only have like a couple of women moderators.

[1963] I got to make sure that you know you can handle it at first.

[1964] Yeah, you just can't you can't snap and go crazy.

[1965] Yeah, you can't get in arguments to people.

[1966] It's not worth it.

[1967] But when people are douchebags, I send them to the retard room.

[1968] I have two rooms.

[1969] I have like well one is like the main, the main forum you can go to there's a combat, forum for like MMA stuff and then there's a regular forum and then there's a podcast form and then there's special ed and special ed is if you're a douchebag if you act like a shit head yeah you sit you're stupid think about what you did yeah you want to insult people all the time for no reason get in the fucking tard bin dummy yeah but because of that we've like established a pattern and accepted like levels of communication everybody's really cool there it's a fascinating fucking shit yeah and fascinating fucking shit comes out of there you know there's so many interesting.

[1970] There's a story that I read on there the other day about these new fungi that they found in the Amazon rainforest that turns ants into zombies.

[1971] Oh, yeah.

[1972] It takes over the ants' brain.

[1973] Ants are horrible anyway.

[1974] Well, that's why they're there.

[1975] They're there to keep the ant population at bay.

[1976] This fungus grows inside an ant's body.

[1977] Oh, and it drills into its head.

[1978] It grows out of its head.

[1979] It grows out of its head and eats its...

[1980] What?