Are You Coddling Your Child? A Surprising Answer

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[24] Moms, do you ever get accused of coddling your child, of being too soft, of letting him or her get away with things?

[25] that's hurtful, it's damaging, and it's infuriating.

[26] And I'm going to give you some insight today that will change this dynamic and could lead to really, truly changing your family life.

[27] So that's what we're going to talk about today on this episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[28] So welcome, this is Kirk Martin, founder of Celebrate Calm.

[29] You can find us at Celebrate Calm .com.

[30] One of the reasons I am so passionate about this is because I did this myself.

[31] when Casey our son was little he was difficult he was challenging he made little things hard where he was very emotional and I used to walk into the room and say I don't know why you're letting him get away with things you're too soft and it was that very thing that actually led me to change later and I'm going to share what that transformation was about if you need help with anything reach out to our son Casey he was strong will just like your kids so he gets this C -A -S -E -Y at celebrate calm .com.

[32] Tell us about your kids, ages, what you're struggling with.

[33] We will reply personally back to you and give you some tools that will help.

[34] If you do need help, we have a huge Mother's Day sale going on.

[35] Just check it out on the website.

[36] It's awesome.

[37] So here's the deal.

[38] I'll make this personal.

[39] I used to feel like my wife was not disciplining Casey enough.

[40] And by discipline I meant she wasn't punishing him.

[41] him she wasn't being tough enough she was letting him get away with things and I had this fear inside right and some of this is a look some of the instincts here are not wrong right as a dad as a mom well we want our kids to grow up and be respectful and responsible to be good citizens to get a good job and to have a good family to be right all those things and so I through the prism of my brain what I saw was where you're just letting him get away with things and One day, the real world's not going to let them get away with that.

[42] Nothing wrong with that thought.

[43] But I want to show you the reality of what's going on and flip this on its head.

[44] And I'm going to be talking primarily to husbands here, to dads.

[45] And if I sound a little tough on you, I am.

[46] Why?

[47] Because I'm a dad.

[48] And because I want you to be close to your kids.

[49] I want your kids to respect you.

[50] I want your wife to respect you.

[51] I want your family life to be something that's good that you look forward to, right?

[52] And so I realized that I was part of the reason I changed and ended up doing what I'm doing now is I realized I was ruining my family.

[53] I was causing division in my marriage.

[54] I was causing this connection with my son to be ruined because I couldn't control myself.

[55] So watch.

[56] Here's the reality of what's going on.

[57] So you've got a child and he's missing.

[58] behaving.

[59] Maybe he's too emotional.

[60] He said something, yelled it, your wife, or he's just not listening.

[61] And so we react, sometimes I would come and react like, well, we just need to lay down the wall.

[62] We need to give him consequences.

[63] We need to punish this kid.

[64] I need to let him know he can't get away with this.

[65] I got you on that.

[66] But here's the reality of the situation of what we miss. And I want you to see this from a mom's point of view, okay, because this is extremely important.

[67] So here's what mom knows.

[68] Mom knows that consequences don't work with the strong -willed child.

[69] And you know it as well because if they worked, nobody would listen to this podcast.

[70] You'd have figured this out years ago because that's all we tend to do.

[71] Just mark the consequences.

[72] Consequences don't change human behavior.

[73] Instead, what the strong -willed child needs is to be taught.

[74] Punishing and isn't teaching.

[75] discipline literally means to teach.

[76] In the work world, if an employee of yours is not performing up to standards, the consequence would be, well, you just fire that person, right?

[77] But I think there's usually a step that comes before that, which is you identify where you're struggling, and then you provide some training and some teaching so that they learn the skills necessary to succeed in their job.

[78] Parenting is no different.

[79] You have a child who is struggling in an area, and I want you to take that same mentality and say, instead of just punishing a child for failing and barking a consequence, I'm going to teach my child and give them tools so I create successes.

[80] So moms know that.

[81] Mom knows this is an emotional child that you're dealing with and just coming into the situation and being tough will not work.

[82] It will escalate the situation.

[83] How do you know that?

[84] Because that's the way it works every time.

[85] Child's already emotional and then we're going to in with our emotional, now you just triggered a big escalation, child saying worse things, you and I, your spouse and you're saying worse things, and the whole night gets blown up.

[86] You have to de -escalate before you discipline, right?

[87] Mom knows this is a child who probably feels bad about himself or herself.

[88] You probably heard them say, I'm a bad kid, I'm dumb, I'm stupid, nobody likes me, you guys are always against me. So coming in and piling on is counterproductive.

[89] And so watch these two things.

[90] You've got an emotional child who, when you come into the situation and add your own emotion to it, gets emotional outwardly and starts melting down, screaming things.

[91] Likewise, that's external, but think about this internally, which is really important.

[92] You have a child who probably feels a fair amount of shame, who is beating himself up inside.

[93] So when we come in and pile on about all the things that he's not doing well around the house, it further causes him to internalize, I'm dumb, I'm stupid, I'm a bad kid, my dad doesn't like me, nobody likes me. I promise you, you do not want that internal narrative and dialogue to begin in your child's brain.

[94] And mom knows that.

[95] Mom, think about this, mom has literally, of requests each day for each of her kids, right, dozens of them.

[96] So she has to prioritize what to focus on.

[97] I remember, you know, as a dad, I didn't have that many touch points, right?

[98] I didn't have that many things with Casey that I had to ask him to do.

[99] But my wife had tons of them, little tiny things, dozens of things a day.

[100] Look at the office, we prioritize.

[101] We can't get everything done.

[102] When we have requests to and from different departments of the company, you can't get all of them done every day.

[103] What you do is you prioritize them.

[104] And that's what your wife knows in the moment is that.

[105] She has to prioritize.

[106] She also knows this.

[107] She's got enough self -awareness to read the moment.

[108] And what she knows sometimes is, that strong -willed child of yours, he's just hungry or tired.

[109] And so she knows not to push then.

[110] Why?

[111] Because it never works, right?

[112] She may also have the self -awareness, no. Kudos to you, Mom, that she's just tired that day.

[113] And she doesn't have the emotional bandwidth or the physical bandwidth to engage in this certain situation right then.

[114] So she reads the moment and does the right thing.

[115] but from the outside, it looks like she's giving in.

[116] So she does the smart thing, and she gets through the moment, and this is critically important.

[117] And it has almost made tears, it almost, there's a little effect inside of me. I felt there.

[118] You know why she gets through the moment, so she can accomplish the other 15 things that must happen that afternoon, that evening, that night in order to get the most important things done.

[119] She has 15 other things.

[120] I'll just speak for me personally.

[121] I had overarching goals, things to do with family life, but I didn't have the minutia there.

[122] I didn't have all.

[123] It wasn't weighing on me late at night, always thinking about, okay, I got to do this.

[124] I got to get that done.

[125] If that doesn't get done, then that's going to impact that.

[126] I have that with my work, but I didn't really have that.

[127] So what I want you to hear is this.

[128] mom, your wife sometimes gets through the moment because she knows there are 15 other more important things that have to get done if these kids are going to be successful and get to bed that night.

[129] And so she makes a choice there and she does this all the while feeling judged by her husband, by her own mother, by other super moms, by every other mom on Instagram, with the perfect family by society and everybody else on the sidelines who just wants to point out what she's doing wrong without actually jumping in and helping and doing something constructive.

[130] Now, if that doesn't choke you up a little bit to realize that you're looking at this wife who you married because you were in love with her at one point, you wanted to have kids with her, and now you just judge her all the time because she's coddling the child when in fact she's making dozens of decisions a day and she's trying to get the right things done all the while everybody's pointing out why she's not a good mom what she could be doing differently why she makes needs to make an organic meal for every meal and all these on all there are unrealistic expectations that are on her well what she needs is to someone to come alongside of her and say you're a really good mom you're a really good mom and you don't have to do all this other stuff honey right just think of this, too.

[131] She has to do all of this all the while she's coddling someone else.

[132] Wait for it.

[133] She's coddling you.

[134] Hubbies, I'm tough on you.

[135] Why?

[136] Because I'm a guy.

[137] And I like motivational seminars, not the pie in the sky.

[138] I like, I like when people are tough on me and holding me accountable and giving me tools to actually change.

[139] Right?

[140] She's, she's coddling.

[141] you.

[142] I've been saying this a lot in our live workshops, right?

[143] When we get into that, because it happens in almost every home that one parent is always like, well, you're just coddling him.

[144] And the other parents like, well, I wouldn't have to coddle if you could actually control yourself.

[145] And you didn't blow every situation up.

[146] Okay.

[147] And so she's codling you.

[148] Why?

[149] Because you can't control yourself.

[150] Now, if you're an engineer out there or something similar, oh, I know that's true.

[151] because you like order and structure.

[152] When you come home and there are Legos on the floor, you can't deal with it, right?

[153] And so you need everything to be just so.

[154] You know why Elshia has to coddle you and manage your emotions?

[155] Because you can't control your own emotions, right?

[156] Look, you are guilty of, we don't do guilt trips, I don't do blame, just own it, right?

[157] This, dads, this is what you say to your kids all the time.

[158] Well, you just need to be responsible for your behavior and own up to it.

[159] Well, I'm asking you in a very kind way, to own your own behavior.

[160] And the fact that you can't even control your own emotions, the very thing you want your child to discipline your child for is something you can't do either.

[161] So watch what your wife's doing every day.

[162] She's running around exhausted and judged and feeling alone, trying to manage the kids' emotions and the kids' behavior so that you don't make it worse, so that you can actually handle it.

[163] She walks around cleaning up stuff, picking up every stuff, making sure the kids are okay and not being upset.

[164] Why?

[165] Because you can't do it.

[166] So in effect, what she's doing is managing your emotions and coddling you, and that is exhausting.

[167] So if your wife is tired and resentful, that's why.

[168] So here's your action plan.

[169] Dads, listen to this podcast.

[170] It's actually a pretty short podcast that I do, right?

[171] They're fairly interesting.

[172] They're practical.

[173] Be intentional about being a dad and a husband in the same way that you're intentional with goals.

[174] Set specific goals.

[175] You do it with fitness.

[176] Some of you have fitness goals.

[177] Some of you have goals with your finances.

[178] And you're very intentional about your job and how you're going to get that next promotion.

[179] You're intentional about those things, as you should be.

[180] And I applaud you for that.

[181] But for the next 30 days, let's start doing this.

[182] Let's start setting some goals.

[183] What are they?

[184] I'm going to learn how to de -escalate situations in my home.

[185] Write that one down.

[186] Send yourself an email.

[187] Every day, I'm going to learn how to de -escalate situations so they don't blow up.

[188] I'm going to learn how to control my own emotions.

[189] You don't have to do all of these, but let's start with a couple of them.

[190] I'm going to learn how to deal with things when they don't go my way, when there are Legos on the floor.

[191] I'm going to begin doing the opposite of what I normally do.

[192] I'm going to lead my child to a calm place.

[193] Guys, I guarantee you, if listen to some of the other podcasts, I go through exactly how to do that, if you're a wife, start seeing you coming into the room and you're de -escalating and you're connecting with this strong -willed child, because that's another goal.

[194] I want you to learn how to connect with that strong -willed child, that one who you've always been on, that you've never really been happy with, who you've never really accepted on a deep level, wanted to change.

[195] And I know that because I felt that way about my own son Casey and now we are tight, we are close.

[196] He's an awesome kid, but when he was little, I didn't like who he was.

[197] I didn't like how he acted.

[198] And underneath all of that is I didn't really accept who he was and I spent all my time trying to change him when the reality was I couldn't even control myself.

[199] And when your wife sees you connecting with that child, that will change your home.

[200] That will change your marriage.

[201] That will change your time in the bedroom for sure.

[202] right so how do you do that listen to the podcast i'm just going to be bold go on our website celebrate calm .com you know what your wife wants because they all email us she wants you to change and she wants the resources we have we have a mother's day special right and it's on the website just get it you can listen to the dad's program first listen to listen to the one for uh uh enjoying the strong will child.

[203] Just listen to those two.

[204] Your wife will listen to the other 35 hours of programming.

[205] And you'll have practical tools.

[206] The 30 days to calm.

[207] It's a great one to go through first as well.

[208] Get that.

[209] Look, you're going to be like, well, we don't really need that help.

[210] Yeah, you do.

[211] You clearly do, right?

[212] It costs less than a trip to a therapist.

[213] It costs way less than a divorce, right?

[214] Moms, send us to your husband, say, this is what I want.

[215] This is what I want for Mother's Day.

[216] If he doesn't do it, moms, just get it yourself.

[217] okay you don't have to have you're not a child you can go ahead and get it yourself okay and so dad's one more thing you spend this money on other things that you value and if you want to show this is not manipulative it's just true if you want to show your wife that you value the family and being a dad being a husband you do that by what you invest in and i want you to invest your money we've made it easier with a sale and I want you to invest some time.

[218] And I want you to ask your wife even, what is one thing I could begin doing differently every day that would help you?

[219] If you need to apologize to your wife, apologize.

[220] You don't have to grovel.

[221] Just say, I never understood.

[222] I never realized all the different dynamics that are going on and how hard it really is for you.

[223] And I apologize.

[224] And what I want to do is one thing.

[225] What is one thing I can begin doing differently.

[226] And wives, you can ask your husband.

[227] Hey, what is one thing I can begin doing differently as well?

[228] Because I know it's hard in your role as well.

[229] You bring a lot of baggage from your childhood like I do.

[230] Work on it together.

[231] Right?

[232] If you guys get on the same page with your kids, man, it will stop so many of those outbursts, right?

[233] It will, so many of those evenings that are ruined if you're on the same page, your kids are going to notice it and see it.

[234] And by the way, just by getting on the same page as parents, it will help your marriage.

[235] And it will just, anyway, let's work on that this week.

[236] So if we can help, reach out to Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, Celebrate Calm .com.

[237] Guys, I want you to do it.

[238] And if you do this, you can email me. And if you email me, whenever dad's husbands email me and ask me for advice, I promise I will respond to you thoughtfully.

[239] I will give you my time.

[240] If you are willing to change, I will help you walk through this.

[241] So thank you for listening.

[242] Thank you for sharing this with other parents who need to help love you all moms happy mother's day