Being Calm Doesn’t Mean Being Sweet or A Door Mat

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[22] Being calm does not mean being sweet to your kids.

[23] being calm does not mean being a doormat.

[24] I want to address that today on this episode of the Calm Parenting podcast.

[25] Welcome.

[26] This is Kirkmartin.

[27] Founder Celebrate Calm.

[28] You can find us at CelebrateCalm .com.

[29] If you need help with anything with your strongwilled child, contact our strong will child.

[30] His name is Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at Celebrate Calm .com.

[31] Tell us about your family, ages, what you're struggling with.

[32] We will provide you with tips and strategies, some ideas for you to try.

[33] If you're interested in any of our resources.

[34] We will put together a custom package based on your specific needs, even within your budget.

[35] So reach out to us.

[36] We love helping.

[37] So I wanted to start this.

[38] We're going to talk about not being so sweet, but I wanted to start with something positive that I heard from a mom that we all could kind of need during this weird past year that we've had.

[39] She said, I feel like I've really learned to appreciate my son over the past couple of months.

[40] He's such a great kid, and I feel like I was missing the best parts about him because I was so focused on the worst parts of him.

[41] Being forced to stay home due to the coronavirus forced us to our breaking point, which led us to your podcast and your programs, which then open our hearts to trying things in a different way.

[42] Good for you.

[43] I will forever be so thankful for this really hard year because it has really changed our family.

[44] I like redemptive stories.

[45] I like silver linings.

[46] And I'm hoping for a lot of us, even if that hasn't worked for you so far.

[47] Maybe this upcoming year could be that time when it's like, we look back and we're like, we changed our family.

[48] She also wanted to share a win with us.

[49] So she said, I started using your method of getting out of the house on time.

[50] So we have said that the boys need to be in the car by 7 .40.

[51] But for every minute they are late, they choose to lose their electronics for five minutes after they get home at night.

[52] We teach a thing called time for time, but tough discipline.

[53] every minute that you take from me, every minute that you are late, every minute that you cause me to be late will cause you to forfeit five minutes of your time later on.

[54] It's a sign of self -respect.

[55] My time is so important that one minute of my time is worth five years.

[56] And they don't have to like it.

[57] But anyway, she said this morning, my boys got into a wrestling match right before we needed to leave.

[58] Of course they did.

[59] So I simply stepped over them, ignored their wrestling and got into the car and wouldn't you know it they stopped wrestling on their own got their stuff and made it to the car by 740 no drama no fights other than the wrestling nothing we were on time for school there weren't any tears and it felt like a small miracle that is awesome congratulations kudos to you mom for not getting sucked into it i don't know why you guys do that.

[60] You know what?

[61] If you don't get up, you're going to be like, instead she let the kids, she led by example, and she had laid it out very clearly.

[62] That's awesome.

[63] By the way, wrestling, really important for your kids to do.

[64] Rough housing.

[65] There's a lot of research on the value and importance of rough housing.

[66] I'm not talking about violence between children.

[67] I'm talking about wrestling and rough housing is very, very good.

[68] So kudos, mom.

[69] Very well done.

[70] That's awesome.

[71] So here's what related to that we want to talk about.

[72] It's not about being.

[73] sweet.

[74] It's not about being a doormat, right?

[75] I don't want to be sweet with kids.

[76] I'm compassionate.

[77] I'm understanding, but I'm also very firm and I'm in control.

[78] I don't make excuses for kids and talk like this.

[79] I like them to know I'm in control and I can help you and I can handle you at your worst.

[80] So a few things with tone of voice that I want to talk about.

[81] No pleading when we do this thing.

[82] Guys, all I'm asking for is a little bit of help around here.

[83] That just tells your child that you're exhausted and emotionally needy.

[84] And it gives the child full control.

[85] That's why moms, you've got to make yourself a priority.

[86] Watch your kids don't respect you.

[87] They don't respect your time because you don't respect your time.

[88] That's what this mom did in saying, look, my time's important.

[89] I've got stuff to do.

[90] And if you're late, every minute past 740 you are late, it takes time away from me. And my time is so important and so valuable, I am letting you know every minute you take from me, you forfeit five minutes later.

[91] You know what?

[92] Try me. That's where it's not kids.

[93] You know, it's really important to understand that your mommy has things to do during the day and we really need to learn how to respect.

[94] All of those mommy lectures are a waste of words and they don't respect you for it and they don't listen.

[95] What this mom is saying by her actions and her attitude is, don't mess with me. I got stuff to do.

[96] That's a beautiful, beautiful thing to do for your child because discipline is something we do for our kids not to them no snotty tone you know what if you would have done your chores like i asked you to right the snoddy tone if you use a snoddy tone with me or if i use a snotty tone with you you're going to flip me off in your brain true no one likes to be talked to like this to stop taking everything personally now here's where we get to the sweet thing I really don't like and I don't recommend, it doesn't matter what I like, I don't recommend using the sweetie baby tone.

[97] So when I hear modern parents saying, sweetie, baby, mommy really needs your help.

[98] It sounds sweet, but it doesn't work.

[99] It's counterproductive.

[100] Kids don't respect it.

[101] It sounds condescending.

[102] What your strong -will child usually hears is, sweetie, baby, you scare the crap out of me because every time I ask you to do something, you have a big meltdown.

[103] So I think if I talk in this sing -songy mommy voice, you'll actually listen to me. And it sounds condescending and it sounds weak and they won't respect you.

[104] And that's why I would not refer to myself as mommy or daddy when giving instructions to a strong -willed child because they don't respect it.

[105] You have said, my child is six going on 26, so talk to them like adults.

[106] And I already mentioned no more mommy lectures.

[107] Anything that begins with, you know, kids, it's really important free, just don't go there.

[108] See, Strongville kids don't respect that tone of voice.

[109] They'll tune it out.

[110] And then you'll get frustrated and either scream or threaten or repeat yourself 14 times.

[111] But when you do that, your kids know that if they just push your buttons, you'll lose it and they'll be in complete control.

[112] So let's master that even matter of fact tone.

[113] That is why I do the podcast so you can hear the tone.

[114] It's why if you get our programs and they're on sale this month.

[115] We had a great sale.

[116] If you need help with that, talk to Casey.

[117] about it, but we model for it.

[118] We give you scripts, actual scripts to use with your kids.

[119] And that's why people love our programs, because when you listen to it daily again and again and again, it gets deep in with you.

[120] So here are a few.

[121] So my seven -year -old is jumping on the sofa.

[122] I'm not going to be like, sweetie, baby, you know, there are springs on the sofa.

[123] We don't jump on the sofa.

[124] No. I'm going to go, hey, jumping on the sofa, not happening in my home.

[125] But I love your energy.

[126] Look, if you want to come help me stir the soup or walk the dog, I could really use your help.

[127] So look, when I say no, I drain all the energy from it, right?

[128] It's just a statement of fact.

[129] Hey, jumping on a sofa, not happening in my home.

[130] It's even matter of fact, I'm not yelling.

[131] I'm not like, you know what?

[132] You never listened to me. Why can't you ever?

[133] There's nothing personal.

[134] I'm just like, no, this is the way we roll in our home.

[135] No jumping on the sofa, not happening.

[136] No energy.

[137] But I love your energy.

[138] I always affirm the positive, even if I don't mean it.

[139] Do I really love the child's energy?

[140] Not really.

[141] It's exhausting.

[142] But their energy is what's going to make them successful.

[143] So I do affirm it.

[144] Hey, listen, if you want to help me stir the soup or walk the dog, I can really, really use your help because our kids love feeling helpful.

[145] And a big principle, whenever we say no to something inappropriate, we say yes to something appropriate.

[146] So this is how it would sound with my teenagers sometimes.

[147] Hey, Casey, when I hear that tone of voice, it usually tells me you're anxious, frustrated, or hungry.

[148] So here are a couple options.

[149] You may continue to talk to me like that, but you're going to lose everything you own and you're going to be upset.

[150] But if you want to grab some chips, I'll grab some salsa, I'll meet you out on the deck, I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with.

[151] See, my tone says I'm in full control of myself in the situation.

[152] I have the clarity.

[153] I have the wisdom to see you're not just being a jerk.

[154] Something else is going on.

[155] I have the self -control to not take it personally to see this isn't about me. It's really about you needing my help.

[156] And so I'm giving you a choice.

[157] I'm not yelling.

[158] I'm not demanding.

[159] I'm not lecturing.

[160] I'm very clear about the outcome.

[161] The last 473 times you have talked to me like this, you've lost your screens and you've ended up, you've ended up in tears.

[162] And I don't think you want that.

[163] So here's another option.

[164] See, I'm teaching.

[165] I'm not lecture.

[166] I'm teaching.

[167] This is the way it works.

[168] And I can lead you to problem solving and become the source of wisdom your life who helps you through tough times so that when your world is out of control, mine's not.

[169] So you can trust me and help me. You can trust me to help you.

[170] So does that make sense?

[171] So look, you can either demand respect as the authority figure in a home or you can embody respect by being the leader who leads by example, who teaches.

[172] You know what other tone is really powerful?

[173] This low key even tone.

[174] Here's another version of that with your child.

[175] Hey, I can see where this is headed and it's not good.

[176] You're about to lose your video games and possibly your life.

[177] I'm kidding.

[178] You're about to lose your video games.

[179] So if you want to come join me outside, I bet we can work this, work through this in a different way.

[180] Let me do another one.

[181] Hey, I can see where this is headed.

[182] It's not going to end well for you.

[183] You're going to lose all your stuff.

[184] Listen, I'm busy mom.

[185] I'm trying to feed five kids.

[186] So look, I could use your help.

[187] If you want to come help me in the kitchen, stirring the soup, if you could help me because you're really strong, open some of those jars from the pantry, I'll help you out with whatever you're struggling with.

[188] See that tone?

[189] I didn't do a long thing of like, you know, you really need to think about your choices and you really need to think about your attitude.

[190] I didn't even get to the, I just said, I don't, look, you don't have time all the time.

[191] I see where this is headed.

[192] Look, this is not headed anywhere you want it to go because you're just going to lose all your stuff.

[193] But here's a solution.

[194] Short, sweet.

[195] Now, we used to have these camps.

[196] For those who don't know, celebrate calm, started by inviting strongwill kids and kids on the spectrum into our home.

[197] so we'd have 10 to 15 strong -will kids who naturally didn't get along well with other kids who cheated at games, quit, who were bossy, controlling, melted down, couldn't deal with disappointment, and we put them all together so they'd melt down and struggle so we could teach them real -life skills.

[198] So we had these kids coming to our house, and they begin swearing.

[199] And at first I'd be like, you know what, if you keep swearing, you're not going to the pool today.

[200] And it never worked because your kids will absorb consequences without flinching.

[201] so one day I walked into the living room and I sat down next to this kid I love disciplining by sitting down I love sitting next to a child instead of facing off against him and look him in the eyes and intimidating him and I said look and I use this low this low key tone which is really really important I don't want to use the you know this isn't the kind of language that we use in our home well apparently it is because I'm using it right like that this isn't the it doesn't work mom So low -key tone.

[202] I was like, hey, here's the deal.

[203] This whole swearing thing doesn't impress me. I know worse words in like nine different languages.

[204] I could probably even teach you some.

[205] But here's what else I know.

[206] You swear because you want the other kids to kind of like you, think you're cool.

[207] But the truth is they're laughing at you because later when they're at the pool having fun and you're not, they don't think you're that cool.

[208] But what I see is leadership and I'm looking for a leader.

[209] I can teach you how to be a leader.

[210] other kids respect.

[211] Now I've got to go make lunch right now.

[212] So if you want to come grab me and come get me later, I'll show you how to be a leader in my home.

[213] And then I would give the child some space to consider it.

[214] And what I'm letting them know is like, I'm not impressed.

[215] See, there's not a, I'm not talking about like, you know, that's really inappropriate language and that's not, they already know it's inappropriate.

[216] They don't need that explain to them.

[217] I'm just letting him know, I'm not impressed by it.

[218] But watch where the energy goes.

[219] The energy goes to, I know what you're really looking for and you want to be liked and respected and I can show you how to do that.

[220] I'm giving him a way to problem solve.

[221] Let me give you one more low tone example where you just kind of go take the energy out of everything.

[222] Son, daughter, I know you just flip me off in your brain and I get it.

[223] You're frustrated.

[224] Flip me off at your peril.

[225] Because if you lose that, you're going to lose your screens.

[226] You'll lose everything.

[227] But when you're ready, if you want to come grab me, go for a walk, I'll listen to you and I'll help you however I can.

[228] See, it's the low key.

[229] There's not a lot of energy.

[230] Let me do a couple more examples.

[231] One, this is, we're not going to be a doormat and this one's a hard one and I saved it for the end.

[232] Sometimes your kids will get a little physical with you and there's different ranges of that so it's hard to give you a specific like you need to do this.

[233] But what you can do instead of, because I had this mom, he's got a younger kid who lashed out and he hit her.

[234] She's like, well, I tried to talk sweetly to him.

[235] I was like, no, in a moment you don't need to talk sweetly to him.

[236] Okay.

[237] Okay.

[238] There's no, you don't have to do that.

[239] What the mom, what I wanted her to say is, that just hurt me. That hurt me physically and it hurt me emotionally.

[240] That will not happen again in this home.

[241] Look, there's nothing mean about that.

[242] There's nothing harsh about that.

[243] You're giving them some intensity.

[244] Intensity is really important with a strong will child.

[245] I'm not giving this.

[246] You know what?

[247] I can't believe that you would do this.

[248] How could you ever?

[249] Not that kind of.

[250] out -of -control intensity, that, you know, with an older child who's doing it, could be, that hurt me physically.

[251] If that ever happens again, I will call the police.

[252] That will not happen in my home.

[253] Now, ideally, we want to get to the root of it, what's going on, all the other things.

[254] We want to make sure dad's involved.

[255] If he's around, right, it's not that simple.

[256] But I want I want the moms to know you don't have to be sweet, right?

[257] Sometimes sweet is counterproductive and they don't take you seriously.

[258] And I would rather look and say, that hurt me and that will not happen again.

[259] Let me give you one more, intensity.

[260] Because sometimes when kids come and they're melting down or they're really upset and we say, oh, honey, it's okay.

[261] What it sounds like is you're not taking it seriously.

[262] And I would rather respond, not in a sweet way of like, well, honey, I've been through a lot of things in life and I know that it's going to be okay.

[263] No, I'd rather respond with, you know what?

[264] If I were you, I'd be really frustrated too.

[265] I'd be angry.

[266] I'd be frustrated.

[267] I'd, you know what?

[268] If I were you, I'd be anxious too.

[269] Going to a new place, you should be anxious.

[270] But then I lead to the problem solving.

[271] You know what I do?

[272] When I'm frustrated, I do X. You know what I do when I'm anxious?

[273] Does that make sense?

[274] Let's practice that this week.

[275] Let's practice not being so sweet.

[276] Let's practice as even matter -of -fact tone.

[277] And I believe you will see a big difference in your home among your kids.

[278] Try it for a week.

[279] Try it for the next day.

[280] And watch and observe how your kids respond differently.

[281] If we can help you with that, email Casey at Celebrate Calm .com.

[282] Go to the website.

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[287] Hey, love you all.

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[290] Thanks so much.

[291] Bye -bye.