How Can I Get Through To My Child?

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[24] So do you ever find yourself saying things like what is it going to take to get through to this child?

[25] What do I have to do to get him to understand You can't keep making these bad choices.

[26] Well, if you've ever said that, you're not alone.

[27] And I'm glad you're here because that's what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[28] So welcome.

[29] This is Kirk Martin founder, Celebrate Calm.

[30] You can find us at Celebrate Calm.

[31] If you need any help, email our strong will son about whom I said this very thing for years until I finally learned to see the situation differently.

[32] His name's Casey, C -A -S -C -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[33] Let's know about your family, what you're struggling with, ages of your kids.

[34] We will get together, talk about it, reply to you personally.

[35] If we can help you with any of our products, resources, reach out to Casey.

[36] He'll help you with that or just find him on celebrate calm .com.

[37] So here's the situation.

[38] You've got a child who consistently makes bad choices, right?

[39] Doesn't play well with others, lashes out when things don't go his way, gets mouthy toward you.

[40] And he's a smart kid, and he knows better.

[41] And you're exasperated.

[42] You're at your wits end, so you begin asking, what can I do to get through to this kid?

[43] And so what we usually try is lecturing as if we're going to reason our way to this, right?

[44] That he's going to say, oh, mom, dad, listen, you're so filled with wisdom.

[45] Now I realize it's just a behavior issue and I just need to make different choices.

[46] It's not going to happen.

[47] Right?

[48] Or we yell at the child because we're like, look, we're trying to do consequences.

[49] That doesn't work.

[50] so we've got to yell to get through to him.

[51] Well, apparently that's not working either.

[52] So maybe you're looking at this through a distorted prism because what people will tell you, therapists, the schools, they'll say, oh, this is a behavior issue.

[53] Well, let me ask you this question.

[54] This is a little bit pointed, and we don't do blame or guilt, but here's an honest question.

[55] You still react to your child.

[56] You still yell when your child doesn't do what you ask.

[57] Was that a behavior?

[58] issue on your part?

[59] Do you just need to make a different choice?

[60] What if I threatened you with consequences?

[61] You know what mom and dad?

[62] Either you stop yelling and reacting or are going to take away your screens for the week, right?

[63] But the truth is you're already facing worse consequences now, aren't you?

[64] And it still doesn't change things.

[65] Think about the consequences of your actions now.

[66] You have a child whose spirit is crushed.

[67] Maybe the dispirited child who feels helpless, feels awful about himself.

[68] Right?

[69] You've got your own regret.

[70] for not being able to control yourself as you stand over a child and yell, right?

[71] And now you've got maybe the beginning of a damaged relationship and still you haven't changed your child's behavior.

[72] So you've experienced consequences, but you keep yelling and reacting.

[73] Right?

[74] You know it's wrong, but it still hasn't changed.

[75] See, you don't need consequences.

[76] It's not just a behavior issue.

[77] You need.

[78] tools.

[79] And in the next podcast I do, I'm going to give you tools to actually help your child.

[80] So this is kind of a two -part podcast.

[81] By the way, Casey asked me to remind you, if you like these podcasts, please share them on your social media.

[82] Share them with friends.

[83] We want to help more people.

[84] So you need tools, just like your kids do.

[85] So here are some tools for you to begin changing how you respond to your child.

[86] Number one, you need to change your perspective.

[87] You're not looking at a kid who just wants to make your life miserable.

[88] It may seem like that, but you're looking at a kid who feels helpless to change.

[89] After all, why would a child continually choose to be yelled at and lose all of his privileges?

[90] Number two, this is going to hurt a little bit, no blame, no guilt, but think about it this way.

[91] Instead of being the offended authority figure who takes it personally, you see this.

[92] is an opportunity to be the confident leader who gives your child wisdom and tools to change.

[93] We'll get to that next time.

[94] Let me repeat that one.

[95] Right now, you're kind of the offended authority figure and you're taking it personally.

[96] I can't believe that my child would talk to me like this.

[97] I never did this to my parent.

[98] Instead, I want you to be the confident leader who leads, who is the respected person that your child comes to at all stages of his or her life knowing, oh my mom's got my back my dad's got my back they know how to handle me they can handle me at my worst so I'm going to bring them my issues so they can give me wisdom and tools not give me shame and consequences all the time number three you need to replace the yelling with a new behavior a new routine remember we've talked about it with your kids before whenever you say no to something inappropriate you say yes to something It's not just about saying, stop doing this.

[99] So, what can you begin doing differently?

[100] You can begin sitting when you get upset.

[101] I know that sounds so simplistic, but I like simple things because they actually work and because you can do that in the course of your busy life.

[102] When you sit down, when you're upset, it changes your body posture, it changes the interaction so you're not putting your child on the defensive.

[103] It changes your tone of voice.

[104] So you begin to talk to your child like an adult in a situation.

[105] like you're actually in control of yourself and you can see the situation from a mature standpoint and use this even matter -of -fact tone that says, I've got it, everything's good.

[106] See, in the moment, what are we usually?

[107] Yeah, how many times do I have to tell you?

[108] Which, by the way, is a very demeaning phrase that means basically you're an idiot.

[109] Right?

[110] And it puts a child on the defensive.

[111] We say, what's it going to take it to get through to you that you can't do this anymore?

[112] And we're kind of flailing.

[113] So instead, Let's do the following.

[114] Let's use a confident, low -key tone that's short and sweet.

[115] Right?

[116] Hey, son, I heard you yelling at your mom.

[117] Listen, it's not happening in my own.

[118] I know you know that's wrong, and I expect more from you.

[119] That's a very nice short and sweet.

[120] I was just doing a phone consultation, and I love doing the phone consultations because we can do very, very specific scripts.

[121] And for each situation, I was talking to a family from, They were from, like, the New Jersey, Long Island area.

[122] And for whatever reason, it popped in my mind, like, how does the mob boss talk, right, that scares you?

[123] If the mob boss is losing his mind, like, I, you know, if you don't stop doing this, Vinny, I'm just going to come after you, I'm going to do.

[124] You're not afraid of that guy because he's clearly not even control of himself.

[125] It's the guy that does the low -key, hey, just warning you, Vinny, you get one more chance, right?

[126] Now, don't act like a mob boss with your kids, dads.

[127] what I just said.

[128] I'm saying that confident tone that's short and sweet is very, very helpful and very grounding for these kids.

[129] Then I want you to lift your child's sights higher, to achieve a higher goal, to aspire to a higher greater attribute rather than just saying stop doing A or B. So here's an example.

[130] Hey, listen, I know you want to have more grown up privileges.

[131] Well, that means that you begin demonstrating that you're more mature by handling situations differently.

[132] Look, I know yelling at your mom, that's not working.

[133] But I bet I could show you how to handle your frustration, your anxiety, your disappointment better, so you don't yell at your mom and lose out on all of those more grown -up privileges you want.

[134] See, I want to lift a child up to, hey, I've seen you, you want to be, you told me you want these privileges You want to do some more grown -up things.

[135] Well, listen, we've got to start doing that together.

[136] And now here's the linchpin that will finally get this to happen.

[137] Be vulnerable and honest with your kids and begin to change yourself.

[138] This is what ultimately changed my relationship with Casey when I went to him and said, Casey, I need to apologize to you.

[139] You've watched me get frustrated when things don't go my way.

[140] and I usually react by yelling and getting upset.

[141] And I'm sorry for teaching you that.

[142] So I'm going to begin working on changing myself.

[143] And you don't have to do this, but I did this with Casey and I said, Case, I don't even always know that I'm yelling and lecturing you.

[144] When you see me doing that, getting upset, can you just give me a code word so I can begin catching myself?

[145] Because, see, that was helping me with myself awareness.

[146] And what I told Casey is, I bet we can help each other.

[147] because neither of us wants to do this it's not right doesn't feel good inside and i was just being honest and parents are always like oh you're admitting that it's of course i am because it's not like it's it's not like your child's going to be like mom dad i never realize that you yelled and got upset all the time they know it you're being honest you're owning your own stuff and here's the key when your kids see you change, they will change.

[148] When you begin to own it yourself and model for them how to handle frustration without losing it, you will have shown them how to control themselves and handle frustration and disappointment life.

[149] You'll have modeled it for them.

[150] See, that's what discipline is.

[151] It means to actually teach, means to show.

[152] That is the greatest lecture.

[153] You changing yourself and the ultimate thing that's awesome is you will have broken these generational patterns.

[154] It probably came down from your own mom and dad.

[155] So when your kids grow up, they don't have to struggle with the same issues you have.

[156] You will have broken those patterns.

[157] You will have demonstrated it.

[158] And when you change, your kids will change more quickly.

[159] I want you to focus on that this week.

[160] Are you ready to learn how to do this step by step?

[161] If you are, reach out to us, reach out to Casey.

[162] Look, my recommendation is you go on the website, you get to get everything package.

[163] It's basically the cost of a one trip to a therapist office, but we literally walk you through 35 hours worth of practical strategies on how to control yourself, how to give your kids tools.

[164] Anyway, go look it up, reach out to Casey.

[165] It will change your life.

[166] So, let's do that this week.

[167] If you have any questions, reach out to Casey.

[168] Casey at celebrate calm .com.

[169] Thank you for listening.

[170] Love you all.

[171] Bye -bye.