Rob Lowe

[0] Hi, my name is Rob Lowe.

[1] And I feel optimistic about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.

[3] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[4] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[5] Hey there, welcome to another installment of Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend.

[6] The podcast is now, well, I guess we're almost wrapping up the second season, two full seasons of what Time Magazine called the most influential podcast in the history of the medium.

[7] I made that up, that's not true.

[8] But I've found that you can just make up quotes, and some people who aren't really paying attention will think it's true.

[9] The Wall Street Journal said Conan O 'Brien, using his voice alone, has changed the culture for the better.

[10] Podcast monthly.

[11] All hail Conan O 'Brien.

[12] That's a publication that doesn't even exist.

[13] And nothing I've said so far is true.

[14] I want to welcome the people who help me. Well, kind of help me. Help me and I think sometimes occasionally hurt me in this endeavor.

[15] My assistant, Sonam of Sessian.

[16] Hey, Sona.

[17] Hi, Conan.

[18] How are you?

[19] I'm doing great.

[20] Yeah.

[21] I have nothing else to add to that.

[22] I'm sorry.

[23] Great.

[24] Well, as I said, sometimes help.

[25] sometimes hurt.

[26] Matt Goreley, producer extraordinaire.

[27] Matt, I give you a hard time occasionally, sort of like you're a younger brother, but it's all with affection.

[28] We are nearing the end of our second season.

[29] And once again, you've done a stellar job.

[30] And I salute you.

[31] Yeah, wow.

[32] Okay, well, I've got nothing either.

[33] So, okay.

[34] Well, surrounded by shitheads.

[35] Uh, absolute.

[36] Is that you?

[37] Is that podcast monthly?

[38] No, that is, hold on a second.

[39] This is my phone.

[40] Oh, my God.

[41] Turn it off.

[42] What are you doing?

[43] I have.

[44] Add it on because occasionally my wife likes to call me to find out if the marriage is still on.

[45] And then I pick up and I go, yeah, let's, you know, roll it over into the next quarter is what I usually say.

[46] I'm not good with technology.

[47] I'll admit that.

[48] Huh?

[49] I often think that my iPhone is a bar of soap.

[50] I've taken it to the shower several times, lathered my whole body with it.

[51] It is weird.

[52] They do lather up.

[53] I don't know.

[54] I'm just going to put that out there.

[55] iPhones lather up.

[56] They do.

[57] Yeah, that's battery acid.

[58] Still, gets you clean.

[59] It literally burns the oils and dirt from your body.

[60] That's a little life hack out there.

[61] If you don't have any soap, use an iPhone.

[62] It will overheat.

[63] The battery acid will leak out and burn the dirt and skin from your body.

[64] So I like life hacks.

[65] Those are things that I like to come up with every now and then.

[66] Lifehack shows that I'm cool and I'm young and I know the term life hack.

[67] That's pretty good, huh?

[68] Anybody?

[69] How am I doing?

[70] Not great.

[71] Is this the end of the podcast like forever.

[72] I mean, this might be.

[73] We got one more episode this season, but we are.

[74] But what if that's it.

[75] I mean, I mean, it should be.

[76] Well, you know what?

[77] First of all, Sona, your contributions today, and I don't mean to be harsh, have been awful.

[78] So far, you've said, I don't know, got nothing, huh?

[79] Why did you do that?

[80] Buh.

[81] Buh.

[82] Terrible improvisation.

[83] Awful.

[84] I'm not.

[85] I don't improv.

[86] This is also not improv.

[87] It's a conversation.

[88] Yeah, I don't know why everything has to be improv -y.

[89] It's just this, I, I have zero comedy back.

[90] besides working for you.

[91] I don't even know why I'm here if I'm going to be super honest.

[92] Every time I do this, I'm like, why, of all the people on your staff, am I on this when I have zero experience with anything comedy related?

[93] Do you know why you're here, Sona?

[94] You are working for next enough.

[95] Yeah.

[96] Sort of as part of your assistant duties, you have to sit over there and say something occasionally.

[97] And you do, and you've been done a fantastic job, and you've really not been adequately compensated for it.

[98] It's fantastic.

[99] Oh, that's nice.

[100] Thank you very much.

[101] for not adequately compensating me for anything.

[102] I congratulate you for your lack of business acumen.

[103] Well, you know, my thing is that when you expect me to bring the funny, I'm looking at the guy who's been on television for 27 years, and I feel like it's your responsibility on Conan O 'Brien needs a friend to, like, do something.

[104] I'm sorry.

[105] Did you just say, bring the funny?

[106] That's the worst, worst phrase ever, bring the funny.

[107] Comedy and humor is not a commodity that can be delivered to you in an Amazon package.

[108] When people say Bring the Funny, I become enraged.

[109] You should never tell me when something enrages you, because now I'm going to say Bring the Funny so often that it's going to just piss you off.

[110] Say it all you want.

[111] You're just going to alienate the comedy community.

[112] No one in the comedy community says Bring the Funny.

[113] What am I supposed to do without the comedy community?

[114] Oh, no. My life is over.

[115] Sonia, you're bringing the funny Yeah, you are bringing the funny Your lack of respect for the comedy community Is appalling They're the ones that like this podcast Oh, no No?

[116] Oh no, what am I supposed to do in my life Without the comedy community?

[117] They've been so nice to me Why don't you show what some of your characters, Sona?

[118] I have a couple.

[119] Yeah, oh, I would like to see you.

[120] Let's hear your French person, go.

[121] Oh, hold on.

[122] You can't, hold on.

[123] That's your French person?

[124] That's someone choking on a roll.

[125] That's not a French person.

[126] I can't do most of my characters when I'm sober.

[127] So if you give me a minute, I'll go get high real quick or just take a few shots.

[128] What are your characters?

[129] There's French person.

[130] There's French person.

[131] Sometimes I call my friend Erica Brown at work and I do Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip.

[132] Let's do that.

[133] Let's hear that.

[134] It's really stupid.

[135] Let's hear it.

[136] Hold on.

[137] God.

[138] I'm going to pretend I'm calling Erica.

[139] Okay.

[140] Erica, this is Queen Elizabeth.

[141] Come and play with me and my corgi is very soon.

[142] And then that's Queen Elizabeth.

[143] And then Prince Philip is like, Urraca!

[144] Haunted some pheasant, and I'm back, and I'm really happy to call you.

[145] And President!

[146] So, I love an ad for words, after you did your impression of Queen Elizabeth, you went, that's Queen Elizabeth.

[147] I thought any impressionist who says what the impression is afterwards, which, by the way, is necessary in this situation.

[148] Sona, you just did do a whole comedy segment.

[149] For someone with disdain for the comedy community, you just, no, seriously.

[150] I applaud you because you did well and you did it under fire.

[151] Yeah.

[152] Well, you probably has to me. Yeah, you did.

[153] You know, we're towards the end of our second season, and I know that, you know, usually it's you guys like laughing at the maestro, but this was really great that we've shown a spotlight on your abilities.

[154] That's great.

[155] Oh, I hope my comedy career takes off.

[156] Matt, you probably has, you probably have a good impression, right?

[157] I don't, this is about you.

[158] It's not necessary.

[159] I don't know.

[160] I hear in the business that you have a mean HR Geiger.

[161] How do you know about that?

[162] I just, it's something that it's out there.

[163] Is it okay if we hear that?

[164] Do people even know who that is?

[165] I'm Googling him right now.

[166] Why don't you say who it is?

[167] He's the Swiss sculptor slash airbrush artist who created the alien for the movie alien, the xenomorph, but he does all this erotic, like, uh, cyborg art. And he's, he's really something.

[168] Yeah.

[169] This is an impression that everybody has in their back pocket.

[170] Uh, it's right up there with Jimmy Cagney and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[171] Yeah, let's hear your HR Geiger.

[172] Let's hear it.

[173] Sometimes I like to take a bath in a kind of squid ink, but only if there are cryotubes that go into my widened pores so I get a type of inky -hued transfusion and then do a painting for my mother.

[174] I love it.

[175] I love it.

[176] Now, that was very good, Matt.

[177] Very good.

[178] I now would like it if H .R. Geiger had a quick conversation with Prince Philip.

[179] Let's say that right now.

[180] Hello, Your Majesty.

[181] Do you have a type of fluff in your throat?

[182] I don't have a pluff.

[183] I was hunting pheasant.

[184] Oh, could I?

[185] I borrowed a pheasant so I could make a kind of bodice for my wife?

[186] Absolutely.

[187] Let me ask the creative of the oral to review you with some of my pheasant.

[188] Not a word.

[189] They didn't get a word.

[190] I'd like to take a second and apologize to everyone listening to this episode.

[191] First of all, if you tuned in to hear H .R. Geiger talking to what may be Prince Philip, but also may be a Sasquatch who's trying to swallow a tree trunk.

[192] Then congratulations, because you're getting exactly what you bargained for.

[193] Anything else, I don't know what.

[194] I'm blown away.

[195] First of all, I commend you both for rising to the occasion.

[196] Maybe the next season of the podcast will be mostly you guys doing that.

[197] And I can sort of just chill.

[198] There will be a next season.

[199] Can I get a raise?

[200] Well, I'll look at your contract.

[201] Sona, do we go to the bargaining table together as a kind of favored nations?

[202] Guys.

[203] Ooh, let's do it.

[204] Matt, let's...

[205] But we negotiate as Prince Philip and H .R. Giger.

[206] Oh, Sona, I'm going to guess that your, quote, lawyer is someone that you're related to.

[207] Is it?

[208] Is it someone...

[209] She's not answering.

[210] She's not answering.

[211] I'm going to bet your lawyer is...

[212] Last name is Mopcessian.

[213] And they live somewhere Montabella, maybe?

[214] Yeah?

[215] Maybe.

[216] Okay.

[217] All right.

[218] You're right.

[219] You know, I just know a lot of people who do things and why would I go outside of my family when I trust them?

[220] Because you might want to get cash instead of use the barter system, you know?

[221] That's all I'm saying.

[222] I don't want to have to pay you in chickens.

[223] All right, we have to get into it today.

[224] We have a terrific show, my guest today.

[225] And I want to point out, this was recorded just before the quarantine went into effect.

[226] So it was done in studio.

[227] That's why we sound like we're in the same room because we are.

[228] And I'm excited because my guest today is a very talented actor and storyteller who's been in the industry for over 35 years, started in such movies as St. Almost Fire about last night, Austin Powers, the spy you shagged me, hit television series Parks and Rec, West Wing, you know all his work.

[229] He's got so much of it.

[230] Well, now he's hosting a new podcast literally with Rob Lowe.

[231] Yes, right here on the Team Coco podcast network.

[232] We're very proud to have this show in the family, so to speak.

[233] Rob is one of the great raconteurs of Hollywood stories.

[234] He's got a killer lineup of guests, many of whom don't often go on podcasts.

[235] So you'll be hearing their stories for the first time.

[236] The trailer is available to download now.

[237] The first episode premieres on Thursday, June 25th.

[238] I'm going to be an early guest on the show as well.

[239] I hope that's not a turnoff, but I got myself in there.

[240] No, this is a guy who really should be doing a podcast.

[241] because he has met everybody in the business and he's got so many great stories.

[242] You want to subscribe so you don't miss any episodes.

[243] Literally is available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, Google Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[244] And now, without further delay, here he is.

[245] Rob Lowe.

[246] We've crossed paths many times over the years.

[247] And we've bonded over many things.

[248] You and I are both very attractive, leading men.

[249] I don't know why that's a funny Why is that a funny Why is that a funny thing?

[250] Why is that funny?

[251] Because you're not though, right?

[252] It's okay.

[253] No, no, no. Rob is and you are a talk show.

[254] Rob is it, I think I'm a taco.

[255] You are a taco.

[256] He's a taco.

[257] He's a taco.

[258] I think as talk show host, okay, not even that category.

[259] Let's put it this way.

[260] You and I have both been endowed with special gifts.

[261] Yes.

[262] I'll say this.

[263] You did compliment my hair many years ago.

[264] You said that I had memorable hair, I think, is what you said.

[265] And I took that to be a compliment.

[266] It's the brand at this point, I think.

[267] Yes.

[268] I made a choice back in the 80s to go with the pompadour, a style which then was completely gone.

[269] And I've stuck with it.

[270] and I've had no positive affirmation on it.

[271] No, you doubled down on it.

[272] You did.

[273] You doubled down on it.

[274] I liked it.

[275] I was for, and I continue to.

[276] Look, you have hair.

[277] Let's celebrate that.

[278] We're not a young man. Okay, what was that all about?

[279] We both know that I'm 38 years old.

[280] I'm perpetually 38 years old.

[281] That's right.

[282] Yeah.

[283] Is that the age we, is that at what age you just stop counting?

[284] I am 56.

[285] Yeah, so we're saying.

[286] And I am a 56.

[287] six -year -old male.

[288] I am a male.

[289] And let's just get that out of the way.

[290] That's your pronoun is him?

[291] Yes.

[292] That's my preferred pronoun.

[293] My pronoun is red.

[294] It could be yours.

[295] Just call me red.

[296] That would work fine.

[297] Yeah.

[298] Very nice to have you here.

[299] Thank you.

[300] Because we cross paths many times over the years, but I've always thought, this is a very funny guy.

[301] Thank you.

[302] And you've proven it many times.

[303] Lauren Michaels, who's done a lot for both of us, gets some credit for identifying you very early.

[304] as no, Rob is funny and people need to see that side of him.

[305] How did he know?

[306] I mean, obviously, he just got to know you personally.

[307] Well, no. And by the way, just hearing you say that makes me so happy because I'm sure like a lot of people, I was continue to be an S &L Uber nerd.

[308] I mean, I learned everything I ever knew about comedy from watching SNL when I was a kid.

[309] So to hear that like Lauren's, the guy that discovered me in that way is so, so cool.

[310] Well, what happened, I do remember there was a big, and I don't remember what the joke was, but it was a very long set up, and it was me and Phil Hartman.

[311] I know what it was, the notion was I'm in prison with Phil Hartman.

[312] Yeah.

[313] And Phil was very excited to have me as a roommate.

[314] Yeah.

[315] You can do the math.

[316] Was he playing his character Mace?

[317] He might have been playing his character.

[318] Mace was this great character.

[319] I didn't know that was an ongoing character.

[320] Yeah, he was kind of a Mace.

[321] He was this really hyped up character.

[322] And do you want to screw with me?

[323] Oh, you don't want to screw with it.

[324] It was that kind of That's right.

[325] And Phil, obviously, brilliant, but I love the idea of Mace sharing a presence and so with you.

[326] He was selling a cell with me, and Mace was, as we all were in that week of 1990, obsessed with the Lombara.

[327] I remember that, that dance.

[328] You can Google that if you want, if you're listening.

[329] So it ended, and I screwed the setup to his ending of the sketch.

[330] Right.

[331] I blew the line.

[332] Now there's literally no ending.

[333] Right.

[334] There's nothing.

[335] It's live.

[336] And Phil's got the big saucer eyes.

[337] he's nothing to say because I screwed up and I ad -libbed an ending and it crushed and Lauren came to me and he was like you're really Harry Houdini aren't you?

[338] And we've been friends ever since then?

[339] Until he hears that impression Yes and that's over As if he's never heard anyone do an impression of him.

[340] Do you think Mike based Dr. Evil on me wrong?

[341] No Lauren he did not no yeah I love the choice the choice to have you play a young, the young version of Robert Wagner.

[342] That was Mike's idea.

[343] Mike Myers idea.

[344] Right.

[345] When they decided to go back in time and they need a young Robert Wagner and you come out doing a young Robert Wagner was hilarious because I was obsessed with Robert Wagner.

[346] Me too.

[347] He did the show on Starlight Live when I was there as a writer and I was just like he's the ultimate classic handsome -headed actor from the studio system in the 50s and he never changed and he always played these characters where he called women well yes my darling and it was perfect he was so incredible and then for you to come along and play the younger version I thought it was perfect it's so funny you say that that the way he spoke because my whole character was based on the fact and this is what I did for Mike we're playing golf I'll never forget I remember what hole we were on it Santa Barbara, and he was talking about Austin Powers, and I knew Robert Wagner, R .J., as he prefers to be called.

[348] And my notion was that all he talks about, when he talks about restaurants is who the Mater D's are.

[349] In like a very early 60s way.

[350] Yeah.

[351] He's like, do you know Gigi at the palm?

[352] And so I was doing that for Mike, and he really liked it.

[353] Yeah.

[354] And that was kind of that, and I forgot about it.

[355] And then about six months later, he sent me Austin Powers 2 to read, just to read, and I read and in it in the character descriptionist, you know, young Robert Wagner, parentheses, as played by Rob Lowe, close parentheses, yeah.

[356] And people in the, I think the studio were like, what?

[357] Yeah.

[358] He's going to do, Robblo's going to be, what?

[359] Yeah, Robert Wagner, R .J, as you call him.

[360] R .J. I have to call him, Mr. Wagner.

[361] Yeah.

[362] But he was, he hosted Saturday Live when I was there, and I wrote a sketch where he's this the impeccable handsome man on a date and he's just the impossibly suave guy and he's with I forget who he's with this woman I think it was Jan Hooks he's just impossibly charismatic and he's saying things like well I need to skip off to Buenos Aires one of my investments has done a little better than expected and he's ordering for her and he's being perfect and then the food comes and he eats like an absolute pig that's from genius and I remember coaching him on how to eat like a pig because that's how I ate and of course Robert Wagner had never done anything but he was like oh yes this is quite enjoyable actually I see eating and literally I had instructions where he takes he says something suave and then puts his hands in the mashed potatoes and jams them all over his face and sucks it up and he was like hmm yes and I just felt a peek into the world of being this guy who was him along in the 50s in that old system We'd have great stories.

[363] He'd be like, have you ever met Fred Astaire, Rob?

[364] I'm like, no. He's like, you know the thing about Fred, he wears a lot of street makeup.

[365] I never heard the phrase.

[366] Which is just, that's just makeup you wear when you're going.

[367] Yeah, when you go out to the market.

[368] I think one of the things that...

[369] By the way, he never said that.

[370] There's like Fred Astaire people out there.

[371] I have no idea how much of me or didn't wear.

[372] You didn't have to apologize for that.

[373] There's no Fred Astaire people.

[374] people out there.

[375] I mean, there are, but they don't know whether he did or not.

[376] I don't want the Fred Astaire mob.

[377] You know, you don't want them coming from.

[378] They're like PETA.

[379] You don't want to kiss that mom.

[380] That's what I'm saying.

[381] They're in here right now.

[382] You were in the business at a very young age, and I think you probably got to meet all these people of a generation, or so many of these people of a generation, that are gone by the time I have my show in 93.

[383] I'm thinking of people like Carrie Grant, like you knew Carrie Grant.

[384] Yep.

[385] And that's just insane to me. sort of, as they say in the journalism parlance, buried the lead on this one.

[386] But so my, the first time I ever got a big show, it's called, it's an ABC after -school special.

[387] And they were like huge in the day.

[388] Do you guys remember that?

[389] And they always had really provocative titles like, you know, my mother is suicidal or whatever.

[390] Right, right.

[391] And I got one called schoolboy father.

[392] And I used it to go up to the most beautiful girl in my high school and ask her on a date and she'd come watch my after -school special together.

[393] And she's like, well.

[394] How many kids can say that?

[395] by the way.

[396] That's what was my, that was the plan.

[397] I was wondering if you could come watch my after school special.

[398] Yeah, that's what was the plan.

[399] My line at that age was, do you want to come watch me after school?

[400] It'll be special.

[401] It'll be special.

[402] Yeah, Robert Wagner will be there with us.

[403] Anyway, go ahead, go ahead.

[404] And she says, yeah, why don't you come to my house?

[405] My dad's in acting.

[406] We can watch it together.

[407] And I remember driving all the way.

[408] I had my learners permit.

[409] and so I could barely drive and I drove to Beverly Hills the first time I ever turns out she lived in a mansion I didn't know that it's first time I'd ever seen a mansion and I knocked on the door of her dad's house and Carrie Grant answered the door and Carrie Grant was her father and I never knew that and he answered in a white terry cloth bathrobe and he was like Jennifer's waiting for you in the bedroom of course it's like of course it's my bedroom so don't get any ideas And we watch my after -school special together.

[410] I watched the first leading man role, well, 15.

[411] I watched in Carragant's bedroom, Care Grant, his daughter, Jennifer.

[412] And I know he gave you advice, and it's quite interesting this advice.

[413] Well, this advice came later.

[414] Yep.

[415] And never eat any food when you're sitting on a dais.

[416] What?

[417] What?

[418] And it's funny because, I think he actually said, he said hot dog at one point.

[419] Yeah, well, because then he said, because someone will take a picture of you with a hot dog in your mouth.

[420] Yeah, and it was like...

[421] I was like, how many, first of all, how many hot dogs are served on dais?

[422] It was like, I thought about that for a minute.

[423] What kind of dais is yon?

[424] Yeah.

[425] It's kind of down market for Kerry Graham.

[426] Yeah.

[427] But, you know, you think about it, and you think, and this falls in the Robert Wagner category, and I find this fascinating, and which is that there was an industry.

[428] The handsome man industry?

[429] The handsome industry, the actors that came through the studio system, like a Robert Wagner, like a Carrie Grant, I think they were told by people, if you're on a dais at a big event and you take a bite of food or you take a big bite of a hot dog, you're going to look, it's not going to look good, it's going to, you're going to look less than elegant, and they had all these rules that they were taught.

[430] I know they did.

[431] RJ, again, used to tell me, you know, we used to break into Metro.

[432] You used to say Metro, which I love for MGM.

[433] For MGM, yeah.

[434] Or, which is now not even MGM at Sony.

[435] And we used to look at the dummies they would use to build the women's costumes.

[436] Oh, God.

[437] Jesus.

[438] What God?

[439] Yeah.

[440] Because that's the way they could see what their bodies look like.

[441] Yeah, yeah.

[442] Great.

[443] But they didn't tell them not to do that.

[444] Right.

[445] No, no, no. I'm not to sit on a dais, but maybe not oogle the costume bodies.

[446] I stole the Gino Lola Brigida.

[447] Put it in the back.

[448] Let me tell you that, Jill St. John.

[449] I think of also another guy like that who has great stories is George Hamilton.

[450] George Hamilton is another guy of that era who, I don't know if you know him at all, but he came out with a biography a couple of years ago and was just packed with these.

[451] Oh, I have to pick that up, I bet it's great.

[452] Yeah, I remember it at the time flipping through it and just the stories of, you know, know, people that came up through that era.

[453] Yeah.

[454] And so getting to know them, I think, would be a real blessing.

[455] It was, you know, and Paul Newman a little bit.

[456] Yeah, how'd you know Paul Newman?

[457] I ran into him at a urinal.

[458] I used to wait at urinals for Paul Newman.

[459] He never showed.

[460] Never showed.

[461] Born into that lucky star.

[462] I understand.

[463] What I'm saying?

[464] So you met him.

[465] It was a Williamstown theater festival.

[466] His wife, Joanne, was directing something, and I was doing, I think he'll love this, a version of Chekhov's Three Sisters with Christopher Walken.

[467] Oh my God.

[468] Which was everything you think it would be in more.

[469] Yes.

[470] And he walked in and we were peeing together, didn't say anything.

[471] And he's like, kids, good to see you up here.

[472] He says, you know what?

[473] No matter what, you always have the theater.

[474] Then how do you went?

[475] This was great.

[476] He was just like, wow, Butch Casti came in here, peed, gave me like the perfect kind of Butchasty acting advice and bailed.

[477] It was great.

[478] Right.

[479] And then so you got to know him a little bit?

[480] And then we would see each other around.

[481] and I had some project I was interested in doing with him and was lobbying him and I just remember one day when my assistant was like, it's Paul Newman in line three and I thought this is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I can retire.

[482] But he was interesting.

[483] When you talked about acting, he wasn't that interested in it.

[484] But if you talked about racing, he lit up and he looked like Paul Newman.

[485] Right.

[486] Yeah.

[487] Because that was his passion.

[488] Yeah.

[489] I once had the pleasure of getting to speak on the phone one or two times with Johnny Carson.

[490] Oh, wow.

[491] They told me, Johnny Carson's on the line.

[492] And so I went and I looked at the phone and it had the little light, you know, for like line two was blinking.

[493] And the light looked different because it was Johnny Carson.

[494] Do you know what I mean?

[495] The way that the light, we've all seen the flashing light.

[496] And it's a spouse or it's your brother -in -law calling or whatever.

[497] And you're like, okay, I'll get that.

[498] Or it's my orthodontist.

[499] Or it's the guy who makes my inserts from my arches.

[500] And the light looks different when it's someone who means the world to you.

[501] Yeah, Carson would be unbelievable.

[502] I never got to do Carson.

[503] I'm really disappointed.

[504] It was really stupid that I didn't do it.

[505] You obviously had the opportunity to do it.

[506] Yeah.

[507] And it was that time, I know this sounds insane, but if you had a choice, you didn't do Carson.

[508] You did it with Joan Rivers.

[509] Oh.

[510] Because she got better ratings.

[511] And there was that notion that Johnny was towards the end and kind of phoning it in, whatever.

[512] Whatever, and so I did Joan a bunch, and she was great, and I loved her, but I never met Carson.

[513] And I think also at that time, it was probably a complete either or, meaning, if you did Joan, then you weren't going to do Johnny.

[514] Yeah, then you were Jones person or whatever.

[515] But I did live on, I lived on Point Doom, and I would see Johnny in his tennis outfit all the time.

[516] He lived out there.

[517] It was his tennis whites driving his, what did he, he drove a white corvette.

[518] Corvette, that's it.

[519] And he got a new one every year.

[520] Yep.

[521] And I know because I...

[522] Because you drive one.

[523] Because I get a new one.

[524] Just to be considered in his rank, I drive a white corvette, and I only wear tennis whites, but only because I've been locked out of my house.

[525] But he would...

[526] There'd be a great affectation for you, Conan.

[527] You should think about that.

[528] But also, not play tennis at all.

[529] No, of course not.

[530] Have the sweater tied around my neck and the tennis whites and the shorts and wear it all the time.

[531] Yes.

[532] It's like when Warren Beatty, in Heaven Come Wait, when he wears the polo outfits.

[533] And he goes, do I play a polo?

[534] No, so not really.

[535] It'd be great for you.

[536] No, Johnny Carson once, when I was writing on The Simpsons, he came by and he did a voice.

[537] And then at the end, I'm this kid, and I'm outside the voiceover booth, and he came out, I'll never forget, he had a Philofax and two fresh packets of cigarettes that were still in their wrapper.

[538] First of all, file of facts.

[539] Can you take a minute?

[540] Yeah, he had a file of facts.

[541] Look that up, too.

[542] When you're looking up, Fred Astaire.

[543] Fred Astaire's street makeup.

[544] And he got in his corvette, and he asked me, which way is the exit?

[545] And I panicked, and I just said, oh, you go down there and you take a right.

[546] And so he said, thank you.

[547] And he took off in his perfect white corvette and took a right on the lot.

[548] This is on the Fox lot.

[549] Took a right.

[550] And just as he was taking the right, I went, fuck, the left.

[551] The right's the dead end.

[552] God fucking did.

[553] And I waited.

[554] I was horrified, and literally three beats later, after it would take a car to do a, like, a three -point turn in a narrow alley, I see it go back the other way, and I know he was just thinking, that fucking idiot.

[555] For sure, right?

[556] Someday I'll call him, and he'll put me on hold.

[557] So you do parks and recreation.

[558] You get this great part, Chris Rager, and it was really nice because you got to be funny in this very specific way.

[559] And that must have been a nice, you know, revelation for other people maybe who, yes, they'd seen you be funny in these different movies, but now you were consistently playing this character who could, you could find little nuance here.

[560] Yeah, it was great.

[561] What it originally happened was there was a, I don't know how true it was or not, but sort of there was a notion that maybe they were going to have a nemesis for Alec Baldwin on 30 Rock.

[562] And I was like, well, I love that show.

[563] and I love Tina and I love Alec and I want to do that.

[564] And then the network was like, uh -uh, but would he ever join Parks and Rec?

[565] It was really truthfully, it was a shotgun marriage.

[566] The network kind of demanded it to pick the show up for the year because it wasn't doing great and ready.

[567] And Mike, sure, like, God bless him, was like, I don't know anything.

[568] I love this guy.

[569] And I came in and I met Mike and it was like a love fest.

[570] And it was to do six episodes and then we would all reconvene and see how it.

[571] We all felt about it, and I loved it, and they liked having me, and I stayed on, and I just loved playing that character.

[572] But there was no notion about what I would even play or what the character would be like, and I just trusted them kind of implicitly, like I have always done with, whether it's Mike and Dana or Lorne or Ricky Jervais or any of these people that I've had the ability to work with, I just kind of let them see what they see in me and try to deliver on that.

[573] Well, see, that's, it's a little skewed because everyone you just mentioned, you can trust.

[574] Yes.

[575] But we both know that there are plenty of people in the business where if your philosophy is, trust everyone.

[576] That would be good.

[577] No, that would be good.

[578] They'll know how to use me. And, of course, no. No, I've had that.

[579] You've been very fortunate that you've known all these people who just understand.

[580] I know exactly how this person could fit in this world.

[581] and they trust you.

[582] Yeah, and that's true because I have had it the other way.

[583] And, you know, there's nothing that's more depressing than being affiliated with or being around or watching bad comedy.

[584] Like, I'd rather watch bad drama 100, I could be in bad drama and be happy every fucking day if I had to be.

[585] Yeah.

[586] But if I were in bad comedy, I would literally want to blow my brains out.

[587] Let me just tell you that you get used to it.

[588] You.

[589] Yeah.

[590] Just a way kid You shiny -eyed kid Trust me, Rob After a while It's like you're a test pilot You get used to the G -Force And you learn to tolerate Or we're going to take a quick break We'll be right back And we're back Did you enjoy the break?

[591] That was good I'm gonna remember that I know that you have Certain regimens I like the way you said that With the soft G?

[592] Yeah I'm sure you have Is that a, is that a, is that a Harvard thing?

[593] Oh, God, no. No, it's not a Harvard.

[594] No, it's not, what am I Thurston Howell the third?

[595] I mean, listen, I had never heard of it.

[596] It's a jiff thing because you say jiff.

[597] I say jiff, I say, it's the same thing.

[598] Okay, good, okay.

[599] And I say giraffe.

[600] This is, you know, this is what I prefer.

[601] But I, Rob, let's not kid each other.

[602] I know you have certain regimens.

[603] There is.

[604] Various serums and creams that you use.

[605] And I would love help Because I am rotting like an old pumpkin in the sun And I desperately need help And I know that you could give me help I know that you have some secrets and some tricks That you could tell me Moisturizers, maybe, bombs, cereals I actually have my own skincare line I know, that's why I brought it up I know, you're so nice Yeah, no, it's called Profile You can Google it And because, look, here's the thing I've been doing what I've been doing since I've 15, since Carrie Grant and the bathrobe.

[606] Right.

[607] And you see.

[608] Just out of context, I've been doing what I've been doing since I was 15.

[609] I mean, since I met Carrie Graham with a bathrobe.

[610] The whole other kind of difference.

[611] Yeah, doesn't it though?

[612] And by the way, speaking of products, he had products just so you know.

[613] And he marketed them.

[614] Or were they just tricks that he had learned like, use avocado and, you know.

[615] No, no, he chased me down the driveway that day after the after school special.

[616] in his robe with a handful of skin care.

[617] Maybe that's where I got it from.

[618] I'm just putting this together now for the first time.

[619] He's a young man, we do like some Fabrije, brute, soap on a rope.

[620] So he literally was holding different files and potions.

[621] Yep, he was.

[622] That's fantastic.

[623] And my prize possession for months was I had soap on a rope from Kerry Grant in the shape of a microphone.

[624] Did you used to do like pretend concerts in the shower?

[625] Always.

[626] as it melts away.

[627] It melts away.

[628] But yeah, so I've been having the best in the world, take care of my skin and take care of me for forever.

[629] And I'm like a regular dude.

[630] I'm like, whatever, I'm not into it.

[631] But now I'm, you know, my 50s and you see the results of somebody doing for me what I would never have done for myself.

[632] Right.

[633] So I wanted to get a regimen that guys could do because people ask me all the time, what's the deal?

[634] So I have this line and it's awesome.

[635] It's simple and it's just for regular guys.

[636] and it's not a big deal to get some good results.

[637] I definitely need help.

[638] There's certain things I don't think I could do anything about.

[639] I have a very prominent eye vein.

[640] I have a vein.

[641] Prominent eye vein.

[642] I have a vein that runs underneath my right eye, and it runs sort of above the surface, and it comes out during, if I'm on alert, this eye vein pops out.

[643] And the true story, I was interviewing the great, great broadcast journalist Mike Wallace once.

[644] And I'm interviewing him on the show.

[645] And we get to a commercial break.

[646] And I go, we'll take a break.

[647] More with Mike Wallace after this.

[648] Butabababababab.

[649] And he looks over at me and he takes his finger.

[650] And he places it on my eye vein and says, what are you going to do about that?

[651] No. Yes.

[652] Yes.

[653] That's the greatest story ever.

[654] He put his finger on my eye vein.

[655] I can never forget, his finger was on the eye vein so I could feel it pulsing because it, you know, and he went, what are you going to do about that?

[656] And I thought, I think I said to him, I think that supplies blood to my brain.

[657] So I don't know.

[658] It's not like, oh, I'm going to remove that and talk with a slur for the rest of my life.

[659] Was he saying it in a health way or a show business way?

[660] Oh, he was saying it definitely in a show business way.

[661] It was not a health thing because it's, everything's working perfectly.

[662] It's just I have very translucent see -through skin, very white, and I have this vein that's right beneath my eye and not much I think I can do about it.

[663] Which is why this is now a podcast.

[664] Yes.

[665] It is the number one reason.

[666] You know, we found that the podcast has been a huge success after years of pretty good.

[667] success in TV, I switched to the podcast and immediately people said, this is how we prefer him.

[668] That should be the ad, less I vain.

[669] Yeah.

[670] Correct to see this.

[671] Enjoy a Conan without I vain.

[672] Now available wherever podcast is old.

[673] But yeah, it is one of those things where, okay, that's, it's really not the only thing that helped me back.

[674] There's a lot of features.

[675] I'm sure Sony, you could list them off, thin lips, beady eyes.

[676] Oh, what?

[677] Sorry.

[678] Oh, did you nod off for a bit there?

[679] Man, you have phoning it in.

[680] No, I'm not.

[681] I don't want to say all the things about you that are weird.

[682] Because there's not time?

[683] There's not enough time.

[684] No, I really, that's just mean.

[685] You could do it to yourself, but I don't want to do it.

[686] Okay.

[687] Are you, let's talk about this and talk about podcasts, since we're on the subject, for a long time.

[688] And because I've encountered you in different situations over the years and know you to be a raconteur, I've thought, but this guy has great stories.

[689] And when we started doing this podcast and people were saying to me, who'd be good on a podcast.

[690] So like, yeah, I could listen to Roblo.

[691] Roblo would have amazing stories.

[692] Oh, thank you.

[693] And so I know that you're now jumping into the podcast world.

[694] I am.

[695] I'm doing my first interview today.

[696] And this podcast is called Literally.

[697] Yep.

[698] With Roblo.

[699] A nod to the Parks and Rec gang and Chris Trigger.

[700] And what I love about doing it, even though I haven't done it.

[701] But I love being, what I love about doing something that I haven't done yet is this.

[702] Right.

[703] No, but whenever I'm on a podcast, this long -form talk and it's not segmented, I grew up watching rock contours.

[704] You could watch even Carson, I think, in the days when I was coming up, and you could still do that.

[705] Now, even on that, it's like, we'll be right back and he's going to throw a pie at me, and then I'm going to, you know, none of it is talk and stories, and this is where it all lives in podcasting.

[706] I'm excited to talk to my friends and people I admire.

[707] And it's also an offshoot of doing my one -man show, which I've now been doing a bunch of, you know, where it's the book, the one -man show, the podcast.

[708] It's all about storytelling.

[709] Storytelling to people and just having fun.

[710] And, you know, if I can be half as good as this one, I'll be a happy camper.

[711] Aim for more than half.

[712] More than half, you think?

[713] If I could be three -quarters good as this podcast, it's going to be great.

[714] That'd be good.

[715] It'll be fun.

[716] Yeah, I think.

[717] And no I vain.

[718] Oh, God.

[719] That's my favorite.

[720] I vain is going to be one of those things where I'm going to be half asleep tonight, just about to nod off and just wake up and laugh.

[721] Right, right.

[722] As long as you're not aroused.

[723] No, but I'm just, I'm curious.

[724] I think that there is something about letting people talk.

[725] This is what I've found so refreshing about this format is that the tight turns.

[726] It's like being a skier when you have these shows.

[727] You need to take these tight turns, and you can get people telling a story, but then you've always got to be thinking, I've got to get to commercial in two minutes, one minute.

[728] You know, I can stretch it a little bit, but then I've got to take a sharp turn and say, that was great, we'll take a break.

[729] We'll be right back when we come back, Abe Vagoda, you know, and it was always Ava Gota.

[730] I know, it was a second guest.

[731] During sweeps.

[732] You got to keep them watching.

[733] You can look up sweeps.

[734] It's right under Fred Astaire's makeup and File of Acts.

[735] Do you remember sweeps?

[736] I do remember it.

[737] It used to be a big thing.

[738] They used to say, you've got to do some, close some big stunts for Sweeps, which is when they would measure who's watching your TV show.

[739] May?

[740] Yeah, it was in May. And I think they would have another one in, I think, February.

[741] Yeah.

[742] I thought it was November.

[743] In November.

[744] There was a November phone.

[745] There's a microphone there.

[746] I'm so sorry.

[747] You are so lazy.

[748] You're leaning back?

[749] I'm not, I'm enjoying listening to the conversation.

[750] Isn't it May and November?

[751] Okay.

[752] There you go.

[753] Getting you a pillow back here that will push your head forward.

[754] Anyway, um, sweeps was a big, big deal.

[755] But doing that version of talk is completely different than this.

[756] Well, now, I need guidance.

[757] I need, give me some secrets.

[758] You've done this a long time.

[759] You're good at it.

[760] What should I not do?

[761] What should I do?

[762] Oh, okay.

[763] So this all be your fault if it's bad.

[764] Good.

[765] Everything in your career has worked so far, and then you asked for my advice.

[766] That's a recipe for disaster.

[767] I really do think that one of the things that has helped me a lot is everybody on the podcast, and I've tried to do this with my show as well is someone I want to talk to.

[768] Right, for sure.

[769] And the more you can avoid, well, this person, I have no interest in them, but I need to talk to them because large corporations are going to make this marriage happen.

[770] The more you can avoid that, the better.

[771] That makes sense.

[772] You relaxed and having a good time and talking to friends of yours who you've known forever come up in the business with.

[773] I mean, I would listen to you and RJ talk.

[774] You know what I mean?

[775] And it would be fascinating.

[776] I would listen to you, talk to anybody that you came up with or anyone you came up with in the 80s or late 70s when you guys were getting started.

[777] Yep.

[778] That's going to be a lot of that.

[779] Yeah.

[780] And what's fun is to have those conversations with, you know, I've been doing it for 40 years.

[781] So it can be, you know, brat pack people.

[782] It could be West Wing people, Parks and Rec people.

[783] It can be people that I, people are surprised that I'm friends with.

[784] There's a whole, there's that whole thing as well.

[785] It's going to be really, really fun.

[786] Right.

[787] I'm really looking forward to it.

[788] Who would people be surprised that you're friends with?

[789] Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.

[790] Are you guys really close?

[791] Told you.

[792] See?

[793] Look at those eyes.

[794] That I vein popped when you said that.

[795] Actual blood came out of him.

[796] Yeah, but he's a guy and like people would go, wait, you know him?

[797] Wait, you do know him.

[798] I do know him.

[799] I do know him.

[800] I got inducted into the Horatio Alger Society a couple years ago, which is another one to Google, which is great.

[801] It's a very exclusive, very amazing society that provides scholarships for kids who come from just terrible, terrible backgrounds and, but they're the best and the brightest in their classes.

[802] And the society of people in it are pretty studly.

[803] He's one of them.

[804] So that's how we met.

[805] They put the metal on me in the halls of the Supreme Court, which is the only private ceremony allowed in the Supreme Court.

[806] So you were in a private chamber.

[807] in the Supreme Court, and who put the medal on you?

[808] Justice Thomas.

[809] Wow.

[810] Yeah, but it's people like, you know, Buzz Aldrin and really kind of interesting Americans.

[811] I've encountered Buzz Aldrin a few times in my life.

[812] He'll show up at parties in Los Angeles.

[813] He goes for it, man. He goes for it.

[814] And I remember I was at one party, and Buzz Aldrin was wearing, I swear to God.

[815] And this was about, I want to say 12 years ago, he was wearing a Nehru jacket.

[816] And he had a medallion, not like a Sammy Davis Junior medallion, It's not an award, like a groovy medallion.

[817] So good.

[818] Like he hadn't gotten the memo, but it's Buzz Aldrin.

[819] He, you know, the second man to walk on the moon, seconds after Armstrong, and you're like, you can do whatever you want.

[820] He does.

[821] I think he does.

[822] He does.

[823] And he looks at, he dresses like Tom Jones.

[824] Yes, which is how we all should dress.

[825] It really is.

[826] I've heard, I think I heard this about Clarence Thomas that he likes to, like, RV.

[827] It's hilarious.

[828] I'm serious.

[829] I don't know if that's.

[830] of it.

[831] I don't know if that's true, but I think he and his wife like to, like, cruise around, not cruise, I shouldn't say that, but they like to drive around you know, and RV and that they're like very enthusiastic about that.

[832] I don't know if that's true.

[833] You'll find out.

[834] Ask him about it.

[835] I'll ask him, the reason I bring it up is he's one of those people who occupies such a perception in people's minds and then you meet him and he's like, if you ever need anything, call my number.

[836] This is my cell phone.

[837] And then my son, Matthew, was going to law school.

[838] So I had some ideas about clerking and things like that.

[839] So I call this cell phone and he answers it.

[840] And you're like, geez, shouldn't there be like a vetting process?

[841] And he was 45 minutes giving me advice on what my son should do vis -a -vis law school and clerking and whatever.

[842] How many kids do you have?

[843] I have two.

[844] Matthew is my oldest.

[845] He just passed the bar at Loyola.

[846] Oh, wow.

[847] He's out there.

[848] A lawyer in the family is always good to have.

[849] It helps bring down the overhead.

[850] You're constantly thinking about the overhead.

[851] Always.

[852] Always think about how you can...

[853] Are you one of those people in show business that's always thinking about their nut?

[854] By the way, that's the worst phrase ever.

[855] What?

[856] Thinking about their nut?

[857] Covering your nut.

[858] Covering your nut.

[859] No, I know, but I know, but I've had people...

[860] I won't say their names, but I've had people in show business...

[861] What's your nut?

[862] Say to me, this is what it takes to cover my nut, you know, every year.

[863] No, they say it.

[864] They say it.

[865] And it's, they've really worked out this is...

[866] And it feels like a show -busy thing.

[867] It doesn't feel like, I mean, I could be completely wrong, but it doesn't feel like something that an investment banker would say.

[868] I come to think of it, I've never heard anyone in finance.

[869] And that's another thing I know weird people in finance.

[870] I've never heard them use the phrase nut.

[871] No, but people in show business I have found have figured out to the penny.

[872] I've got this place.

[873] I've got that place.

[874] I really like my catamaran.

[875] This is what it takes to maintain it.

[876] And this is my nut.

[877] And this is what I have to make every year to cover my nut.

[878] What's a nut?

[879] I'm sorry.

[880] I have not.

[881] no idea what it's.

[882] You've never heard the way.

[883] Honestly, you've never heard that phrase.

[884] I've never heard.

[885] Monthly nut is another way.

[886] I've never heard this before.

[887] It's your, it's your, it's your, you're allowed to have, speaking of the microphone.

[888] I know, I know.

[889] She thinks it's a nut.

[890] I know.

[891] It is, uh, it's what it costs you to live.

[892] Oh.

[893] And so it's this, and I think it's a phrase that's been around forever, but for some.

[894] 50s?

[895] Yeah, 1950s or 40s.

[896] Like, this is my nut.

[897] This is what I got to make in order to survive.

[898] Oh, it's got to come from.

[899] I'm nut, this is my nut for the winter, gathering, it has to be, right?

[900] I think so.

[901] Yeah, I mean, you don't need a testicle to survive the winter.

[902] Okay.

[903] Well, I'm sorry, but you don't.

[904] Come on.

[905] I'm sorry.

[906] I know that that's where everyone's mind was going.

[907] No, I don't think so.

[908] Oh, well, that's embarrassing.

[909] Yeah.

[910] Oh, anyway.

[911] I always thought of it is, take this much for my testicle to survive the winter.

[912] Oh, my God.

[913] What is wrong with your testicle?

[914] Well, it's, it has needs and it's a very elaborate lifestyle, my testicle.

[915] What?

[916] Just the one, what's the other one doing?

[917] The other one left a long time ago.

[918] We didn't get along.

[919] It moved out.

[920] It had a little suitcase.

[921] I'm out of here.

[922] It voluntarily left, your testicle.

[923] Okay, all right.

[924] Yeah, it lives in San Diego.

[925] It had to make it's nut on his catamaran.

[926] But no, it is a very showbusy, it's a very show business, as in Disney.

[927] Just a little shout out to the good people at Disney.

[928] It's a very show busy thing.

[929] And I've had, I would say, older people in show business say that.

[930] to me. Like, you know, what's your nut?

[931] And I'll be like, what are you talking about?

[932] I, it was just weird to me. Yeah, it's so, like, personal to talk about any of your nuts.

[933] But it feels like vaudeville.

[934] It feels like something that's left over from, this is what I made this year on the circuit.

[935] It really covered my nut.

[936] Yeah.

[937] You know Carrie Grant was worried about it.

[938] Oh, listen, when I work for Fabrizier, it helps cover my nuts.

[939] It actually works both ways.

[940] It does.

[941] It's a cream that.

[942] Let me tell you, when I was doing heart to heart, it more than covered my nut.

[943] I'm going to bring that phrase back.

[944] Yeah.

[945] I'll help you.

[946] If you do it, I'll do it.

[947] And by the way, I am the antithesis of that.

[948] I have no idea about any of it.

[949] I've been working since I was 15 and paying taxes since I was 15.

[950] I hate math.

[951] I hate numbers.

[952] I designed my whole lot.

[953] life around not having ever to deal with any of it.

[954] And I know that that's probably not a good thing, but I'm not good at it.

[955] And the idea of like going, okay, if I do this, then I'm going to say, I just can't do it.

[956] I don't say that in any proud way.

[957] I mean, I just, I wish I, I wish I were, or I'm not that guy at all.

[958] I know that I got to work.

[959] I work and it all works out.

[960] Yeah.

[961] And you enjoy it.

[962] You like work.

[963] And I love it.

[964] And then what I mean, yeah, I would be doing it even if they didn't pay me. Yeah.

[965] I would.

[966] That's the secret.

[967] but don't, don't anybody actually do that.

[968] I know, I've said that a few times, and then I've thought, oh, that's going to get out, that I'd do it for free.

[969] We have the evidence right here, Mr. O 'Brien.

[970] You go heliskeying.

[971] Yeah.

[972] That separates us.

[973] I like skiing, but I will never in my life jump out of a helicopter and start skiing.

[974] Well, it's pretty intense when you drop, when you jump out and you have to duck down, you hear the blades and the snow and it's insane.

[975] And then it's gone and dead silent, and you realize you're in the middle.

[976] of nowhere, and it's untracked, and now they're going to, like, you know, make sure there's not going to be an avalanche and you go.

[977] It's pretty awesome.

[978] I would like to do heliskiing, but on a very crowded intermediate slope.

[979] You should helicopter to veil.

[980] A giant helicopter comes, and it's literally, it's, they're not even difficult.

[981] It's, it's like green slopes, and a giant helicopter descends slowly, and snow is kicking around, and children who are learning to ski are scattering, and then I'm gently get out one leg at a time of the helicopter, go down a simple run, and I'm picked up again down by the lift.

[982] That's what I want.

[983] We need to go and film that.

[984] If you can put the film crew, I'm in.

[985] It's great.

[986] I can't wait to tell my producer, Rob and I had this really funny idea.

[987] It'll cost $600 ,000.

[988] And we'll get 30 seconds of a bit that's funny, but doesn't go viral.

[989] That's what they're looking for.

[990] Non -viral bits.

[991] I mean, you know, when they're ready for non -viral.

[992] I'm ready to go.

[993] I know.

[994] With your GIFs?

[995] It's a soft.

[996] I want to get that going.

[997] With your GIFs, you are.

[998] Do you haven't heard anyone say GIF?

[999] But I don't know the difference.

[1000] What is it?

[1001] Really, seriously.

[1002] It's GIF.

[1003] Everybody says GIF.

[1004] I think the guy who created them said it's GIF, but it's GIF.

[1005] Everyone says GIF.

[1006] It's a GIF.

[1007] It's a GIF.

[1008] It's a GIF.

[1009] It's a gift.

[1010] It's a gift.

[1011] I'm giving you a gift of a gift.

[1012] Yeah.

[1013] What time is your podcast today?

[1014] What time do you have to do this interview?

[1015] Whenever I want.

[1016] That's so Good about it, man. No, I'm going to take a little lunchy lunch, and then I'm going to get a salad from Gigi at the palm.

[1017] When you go to any restaurant with that era of star, you know that the menus are as big as a table.

[1018] There's as big as a table.

[1019] This is the era of giant menus.

[1020] Giant menus, and there's always a lot of tipping.

[1021] They were very much into, like, tipping is sort of a lost star.

[1022] I mean, people obviously tip, but those guys, man, And they were throwing, you know, 20s around.

[1023] Also, it's an era now where you swipe the card.

[1024] Oh, that's, yeah.

[1025] You pay, and then they give you, you know, options for tip.

[1026] And it's also bloodless.

[1027] There's no swagger involved at all.

[1028] There's no swagger.

[1029] There's no, I mean, I think Frank Sinatra literally had like $50 and $100 bills, and he'd be throwing them around.

[1030] I met him once.

[1031] He smacked me in my face.

[1032] Did he?

[1033] What?

[1034] Yeah.

[1035] Frank Sinatra hit you in the face?

[1036] Well, playfully.

[1037] Playfully, yes.

[1038] Still, smack me. Be great if he had someone else hit you playfully.

[1039] Jilly hit him But make a playful So what happened What was he like?

[1040] It was some black tie event It was towards the end But he performed and he was awesome And we were introduced And he looked at me Squinted at me And grab my face Really really really hard With one hand And squeeze my cheek And smacked it with the other And said My grandkids love you My God It's also like sort of a threat too Don't let him down It was something I don't know what, but it was definitely, no one's ever done that before.

[1041] I got to see him perform, I think, the last go -round, but I never got to meet it.

[1042] That was really the end of an era.

[1043] Right.

[1044] For sure.

[1045] Well, I think when I go, it'll be the end of an era.

[1046] Yeah.

[1047] I'm sorry to turn it back around.

[1048] It's not going to be more.

[1049] No, no, I'm not going to go for, it's going to be another four years at least.

[1050] I really don't take care of myself.

[1051] That's not true, by the way.

[1052] You look very good.

[1053] Wait, I heard you're into, like, biking?

[1054] Is that what it is?

[1055] And then recently I sort of started to back off biking a little bit just because of I started to worry about getting hit by a car.

[1056] So I started running, which I don't know why that's...

[1057] You've got a big frame to be out there running it like that.

[1058] That's what everyone says.

[1059] Whenever I say I run, people look at me and say, you're too big to run.

[1060] Too big to fail, too big to run.

[1061] Exactly.

[1062] Yeah, I look like snuffilufous running down the street.

[1063] Manute bowl.

[1064] Look that one up, kids It's not pretty It has been an absolute delight Speaking with you And I'm really looking forward To your podcast Thank you This has been Everything I thought it would be A more And I'm more than optimistic That's nice You've sort of moved into I'm into it Cautiously, yeah I'm into it You're into it I'm into it Maybe we'll hang out I think we might What is what do you Just tell me quickly What are you going to have For lunch?

[1065] What's your lunch So that I can replicate it?

[1066] Oh, now we're here at Warner Brothers.

[1067] So everything, like RJ predicated where he ate on, on the Mater D's.

[1068] I do it on what studio I'm near, which is kind of the new version of RJ.

[1069] So is it going to be a lot of vegetables?

[1070] Is there going to be a lean protein?

[1071] There will be lean proteins.

[1072] There will be salsa.

[1073] You eat a lot of salsa.

[1074] I got to spice it up.

[1075] That's the secret.

[1076] The secret of life is salsa.

[1077] You heard it here.

[1078] It's lots of salsa.

[1079] It's all he has.

[1080] Roblo, thank you very much for being here.

[1081] It was awesome.

[1082] Thanks.

[1083] A few episodes ago, your genitals in a sleeping cap got brought up as a hashtag for people to do fan art called Lil Sleepin' Guy.

[1084] We start babbling.

[1085] I start babbling.

[1086] And then I don't remember what we talked about.

[1087] And then you tell me all this great fan artwork is coming in of a happy little penis with a sleeping cap on.

[1088] That was like, but why?

[1089] And then it was explained to me that that was a long riff that I went on, which I have no memory of.

[1090] And I was sober.

[1091] but I'm told the fan artwork is absolutely incredible.

[1092] It is, and it almost feels like a waste of their talents to make them illustrate a little penis that's sleeping with a glass of wine and a romance novel next to them.

[1093] I mean, some of these are incredible.

[1094] I have not seen them, and I don't know how to feel about this.

[1095] And Sona, maybe you're right.

[1096] Maybe this is a waste of their talents, or maybe the truest expression of their talent.

[1097] Who can say?

[1098] I think it's a waste.

[1099] I guess, yeah.

[1100] probably a waste.

[1101] The listeners can go to Team Coco Podcasts on Instagram and see the exact same drawings we're going to see in the order that we're going to talk about them.

[1102] The first one here is we're starting simple.

[1103] This is from Blake likes cake and it's just a line, pen and ink drawing on ruled paper.

[1104] Wow.

[1105] School paper.

[1106] It's just, yeah, just pen and ink.

[1107] He has a confident line.

[1108] I don't mean the penis.

[1109] I mean, the artist has a very confident line.

[1110] Firm scrotum.

[1111] Yeah, hair on the skroth.

[1112] Grotum.

[1113] That is a nice detail.

[1114] Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet.

[1115] All right.

[1116] Well, this one's got, it's got little Z's coming out.

[1117] And it's got a little, not so much a sleeping cap is a, the only thing I'll fault them for is that's more of a skiing cap.

[1118] It is, but it also implies that this guy's ejaculating z, which is just trouble.

[1119] I don't know why you have to talk in such a dirty way about a penis sleeping.

[1120] Or that could be the sleeping cap is a normal size, but the penis is just so big.

[1121] That's my interpretation.

[1122] of this work of art. All right.

[1123] Looks good.

[1124] I like it.

[1125] On to number two, because these are going to get increasingly more involved.

[1126] Okay.

[1127] This is Tony Carrillo.

[1128] And here he did us the favor of just having you peek out of some pajamas and the fly.

[1129] This is not me. This is the penis.

[1130] This is...

[1131] But it's your penis.

[1132] Yeah, but it's coming out of the fly and it's sleeping.

[1133] And I love it's got a little tray and oh my God, it's got a little candle.

[1134] It's got a little candle and a glass of wine.

[1135] Oh, look how pink you are.

[1136] Just stop saying me. It's not me. It is you.

[1137] You made it so.

[1138] No, please, just settle down with the you, you, you.

[1139] I love that little tray.

[1140] It's got that, I want that tray.

[1141] I wish I had a tray like that.

[1142] Look at that.

[1143] A tiny pillow.

[1144] What a sweet, happy guy.

[1145] Tony Carrillo, very funny.

[1146] Oh, my God.

[1147] This is amazing.

[1148] This next one is number three of five.

[1149] All right.

[1150] This is Johnny Radd.

[1151] Wait, what's happening here?

[1152] This penis is having a heart attack.

[1153] That is so weird.

[1154] This penis is having a full on.

[1155] It's clutching its, I want to say chest, shaft.

[1156] I don't know.

[1157] Good God.

[1158] This penis is.

[1159] Look at the pictures in the back.

[1160] The family portraits, there's another penis and a banana.

[1161] Well, I think there's a fire in the fireplace, a little glass of wine.

[1162] Why is it clutching?

[1163] Does anyone else see it?

[1164] to feel like it's in cardiac arrest?

[1165] It does.

[1166] It definitely does.

[1167] It's funny how there's a blanket over the balls, but not the rest.

[1168] You know what, Matt, what?

[1169] You're being a little indelicate about this.

[1170] Testicles.

[1171] In Matt's defense, my eyes always drift towards the balls, too.

[1172] Yeah.

[1173] But it's like an FDR lap blanket over the balls.

[1174] Yeah.

[1175] Oh, my God.

[1176] Are you serious, Conan?

[1177] Yeah, that's Jeff Ross.

[1178] That's your producer trying to do it a podcast, Jeff.

[1179] I'll call you back.

[1180] Conant Kate, you have to silence.

[1181] It's your phone.

[1182] What are you doing?

[1183] No, I'm doing that on purpose.

[1184] I want him to have interrupted the podcast.

[1185] That was Jeff Ross, the producer.

[1186] Doesn't he know we're busy looking at drawings of my penis, having a glass of wine?

[1187] I never get to say that.

[1188] Okay.

[1189] Next little sleeping guy is DC Scoop here.

[1190] Oh, that's fantastic.

[1191] This one is just the best all around for feel and tone.

[1192] Yes, that is composition.

[1193] Look at the face.

[1194] The face is so happy.

[1195] That's a happy, happy person.

[1196] The full moon is just shining in through the lighting in this.

[1197] The lighting is gorgeous.

[1198] Cheroscuro.

[1199] Is that what it's called?

[1200] I believe Cheroscuro is the effect of using light and shadow.

[1201] On the mound of the balls under the blanket.

[1202] Do you see those?

[1203] There they are again.

[1204] Yes, that's traditionally how Cheroscuro is used by such great painters as Raphael.

[1205] Beautiful.

[1206] That is really a gorgeous.

[1207] That is a penis that put in a good day, had some good times, and now is really relaxed and knows, knows that it's leading a good life, and tomorrow's a new day.

[1208] I like the detail, because you mentioned that your penis is reading a Fabio romance novel, and I feel like that's an actual Fabio cover.

[1209] I think it is.

[1210] Yeah, I think so.

[1211] This person, who is this?

[1212] D .C. Stoopner.

[1213] D .C. Stupner, you are a very talented artist.

[1214] Really.

[1215] That is a firm ridge on the face of that penis, too, look that just down the center.

[1216] What is your problem, that's a strong, strong penis.

[1217] Yeah.

[1218] It's a strong penis.

[1219] It's got a lot of features and it's, uh, no hair whatsoever anywhere.

[1220] No eye vein.

[1221] Oh, God.

[1222] You know, I'm not happy right now.

[1223] This would be the place to have the vein.

[1224] I love the depiction.

[1225] I don't like your criticism of it.

[1226] I think it's, uh, I think you're going towards the more childish and base nature of what's happening here.

[1227] You're making all of your penis jokes and your wee jokes and your pee -wee jokes.

[1228] But you two are missing the point that this is beautifully, this, whatever this creature is, be it penis, be it man, it is content, it is happy, and it's bathed in a forgiving moon.

[1229] That's the title.

[1230] Beautiful.

[1231] All right.

[1232] Here we go.

[1233] Last one.

[1234] And this is really something.

[1235] This is Kevin.

[1236] Oh, my jean jerk on Twitter.

[1237] Okay.

[1238] I don't know.

[1239] Wow.

[1240] No, I don't like this at all.

[1241] It is Using its balls as a pillow, which I think is very creative.

[1242] It's got a lot of orange pubic hair, which is going to haunt me. Well, I have to say, this one's really disturbing to me. It looks like a trout or a fish, right?

[1243] It looks like a Disneyland fish.

[1244] Am I right about that?

[1245] Yeah, and it looks like it has a British man's mustache for just, it's grooming.

[1246] I'm seeing a penis.

[1247] I am just seeing a penis.

[1248] I also like that that book is by Chip Whitley.

[1249] I don't know if you noticed that.

[1250] Chip Whitley is my my nom de plume that I've often brought up over my, over the years.

[1251] I've often referred to myself as Chip Whitley.

[1252] This one is disturbing me. Yeah, where the other one was having cardiac arrest, this one is asphyxating and turning blue.

[1253] Yeah.

[1254] It's really disturbing.

[1255] Well, I'm happy about the, I'm really unhappy about this.

[1256] Which one gets the closest?

[1257] I don't want to do this anymore.

[1258] I don't like it.

[1259] You did this.

[1260] No, I was during a comedic riff.

[1261] I, look, sometimes Einstein would go into a reverie and come up with various formulas that explained the edge of the universe, speed, light, and sound.

[1262] He couldn't be held accountable for it later on.

[1263] You specifically said to make artwork of your penis sleeping with a sleeping cap with that.

[1264] I think I did that.

[1265] Oh, did you do that?

[1266] Yeah, I don't think I did that.

[1267] I don't think I would ever tell people to draw my genitalia.

[1268] That's not me. I'm more highbrow, but thank God I have the old lowbrow goarly helping me out to get such fine artwork done.

[1269] You created the image.

[1270] Matt just told people to draw it.

[1271] Yeah, that's true.

[1272] I prefer people imagining things with the Emersonian mind's eye not actually drawing it, but that's beautiful artwork.

[1273] Well, you're a muse, you know?

[1274] Yeah, I'm sort of just a fountain of creativity and if other people want to sit from that fountain, so be it.

[1275] Well, you can find these on Team Cocoa, podcasts on Instagram.

[1276] Yeah.

[1277] And it sounds like people are rushing right now.

[1278] You know they are.

[1279] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[1280] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[1281] Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1282] Theme song by the White Stripes.

[1283] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1284] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1285] The show is engineered by Will Beckton.

[1286] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1287] Got a question for Conan?

[1288] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1289] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1290] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1291] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.