#9 - Brian Redban (Part 1)

[0] Start the record.

[1] Start broadcast.

[2] Shazam, bitches.

[3] I think it's on.

[4] Wait, when we live?

[5] Yeah, it's a lot.

[6] Hi, fuckers.

[7] We're getting a little better.

[8] 307 now.

[9] That's a little bit better, right?

[10] There we go.

[11] Zoom, zoom, zoom.

[12] What's happening?

[13] the fuckers everybody can hear us it's all good let's leave it side by we are live we leave it with a gangster lean uh hello everybody welcome to the what is it the fucking ninth weekly one or something can't we have continued motherfucking saga continues ladies gentlemen this is how you drink coffee okay like a fucking man see that shit right there that's what's called a French press.

[14] You can get it at Starbucks, Starbucks?

[15] For like 20 bucks or something or, you know, at Target for like 20 bucks.

[16] That's what I was in the middle of saying.

[17] Target and Starbucks at the same time.

[18] You just grind up your coffee.

[19] You pour it in this motherfucker.

[20] You pour the hot water.

[21] You push down the plunger.

[22] But bam, you got coffee.

[23] Yeah, it's gritty and it's got like little pieces of stuff in it.

[24] But so what, you fucking pussy.

[25] Man up.

[26] Man up and drink.

[27] You're going to spill a hole for it.

[28] Man up and drink your coffee So how is Australia?

[29] Australia is the shit If you've never been to Australia It's fucking spectacular It's beautiful The people are cool as fuck It's really bizarre man It's way the fuck on the other side of the world Like literally on the other side of the world To where it's a 19 hour time difference Between Los Angeles and Australia What's the weed laws like out there?

[30] Is there any?

[31] The weed is not very legal there but it's everywhere everybody's got wheat yeah yeah so because I got a text from mayhem right before we left because mayhem got there before us and he said yo this is the exact test the exact text yo customs here is a motherfucker don't bring any weed to kangaroo island which if you know mayhem that's a that's a mayhem quote right there so ladies and gentlemen a fucking trainer yesterday got killed by an orca.

[32] Did you hear about that shit?

[33] No. You didn't hear about that?

[34] Killer whale killed a trainer at SeaWorld.

[35] What's amazing to me is how they haven't been killing people up to this point.

[36] Could you imagine if whales, killer whales are supposed to be super intelligent.

[37] I mean, they're like as intelligent as humans.

[38] They're cousins of dolphins.

[39] And we put them in a fucking fish tank and make them do tricks from mackrels.

[40] You know?

[41] Can you imagine what kind of hell that life is?

[42] And this whale had killed a homeless man that snuck into the fucking tank in 1991.

[43] And he had also, or it might be a she, I'm not sure, he or she had also, I think it's a he, had also almost drowned a trainer.

[44] Do you remember that video where the killer whale was playing with a person, dunking him under?

[45] Yeah, yeah, that's the same whale?

[46] Wow.

[47] Same way.

[48] Yeah, so, I mean, it's not like the warning, fucking signs weren't there.

[49] It's like, you know, you hear Mike Tyson punch somebody.

[50] You couldn't be shocked?

[51] What happens?

[52] Like, how do you die?

[53] Oh, it's a woman that died.

[54] He grabbed her by the waist and just fucking ripped her up.

[55] In the middle of a live show?

[56] Yep, the beginning of a live show.

[57] Where's the YouTube videos?

[58] Is it out?

[59] That's a good question.

[60] I bet they confiscated everybody's cameras and shit as they were leaving.

[61] Yeah, but, you know, the SD cards are so small.

[62] You think you would learn to shove it up your ass or something?

[63] This guy.

[64] if he was there for sure there would be a video of it one fucking thousand percent yeah as soon as I heard we need everybody's cameras SD card up ass save two you would have been uploaded to YouTube already yeah that would already been Bluetooth to you stream yeah there's no fucking way I mean could you imagine what that must have looked like you're there and all of a sudden the kill he grabbed her about the waist and just started smashing her back and forth just ragdolling her he just had enough he just said that's it that's it motherfuckers you know it's really incredible that we think it's cool to do that and then we go and watch them you know it's really like zoos bummed me the fuck out we went to a zoo in um australia while we're there and there was a cool part of it was the crocodile cage because i don't think that crocodile gives a fuck where it is i think crocodiles are so dumb i mean they seem their mind seems so dead they just lay there with their eyes closed underwater for like hours at a time where they don't have to breathe they don't have to breathe for like an hour so they just lay under water and just do nothing and just sit there they don't run around and play like when you pass like the monkey cage at a zoo that shit's depressing because they don't want to be there when i was in denver there's a zoo in Denver and uh the monkey got in his fucking cage and was howling this horrible howl And it wasn't a big cage.

[65] This monkey was screaming out like a tortured soul.

[66] It was like a man in prison.

[67] You know, let me out of here.

[68] The monkey was just, just screaming at the top of his lungs.

[69] And I was like, you know, this is not good.

[70] Like, this is not cool to do them.

[71] For what?

[72] So people can stare at them?

[73] I mean, that shit might have flown in the 1930s, you know, back when there was no zoos.

[74] Or back when there's no videos.

[75] But we have videos now, man. You don't have to put them in a zoo.

[76] You know, but...

[77] But that's the only time we would ever be able to see most of those animals.

[78] That's the only thing that makes me go, well, I see that reason for a zoo is I'm not going to Africa and hunting down a white tiger, you know?

[79] Right, but is it worth it for them to struggle just so you could stare at them?

[80] Yeah, but you don't know.

[81] It could also be like, dude, wait, I don't have to hunt my food.

[82] There's just a steak here every morning when I wake up.

[83] I could sleep.

[84] No, no. For like tigers, that shit is orgasmic.

[85] To chase down an animal Don't chase it, move it.

[86] You ever see a cat, like, if you roll a ball, a string in front of them.

[87] They can't help themselves, man. You should know that.

[88] You have cats.

[89] Cats can't help it.

[90] They live for chasing shit.

[91] It's just like, you know, a guy with a hard dick lives to fuck.

[92] You know, it's really the same thing, man. It's nature rewards them for being a good predator.

[93] And I think, you know, the way food tastes good for us and sex feels good for us, they love to kill, man. Nature rewards them with some crazy.

[94] rush of energy and endorphins when they kill something you know so you give them a cold plate of meat just push an aluminum tray under the fucking cage that's not the same man that's not fun guaranteed you know but that doesn't that the killing thing bothers me but what really bothers me is the fucking amount of room that they have to move around the kangaroo cage LA Zoo definitely the kangaroo cage was fucked up have you ever been to the San Diego Zoo though that's a whole I mean I was there I was like man I would like to be an animal in this cage oh no we went down this serious fucking delay between what we're saying and what we're saying is that it we got it's good okay um yeah San Diego is the shit the way they have it is nice they have a big giant ass place that makes sense but that's that's fucking expensive yeah you know but that's how it should be the places like the LA Zoo just shouldn't exist Because that's just wrong.

[95] You go to the L .A Zoo, that's just depressing as fuck.

[96] But there is zoos, like the Columbus Zoo where I'm from, is one of the biggest zoos of Jack Hanna's from it.

[97] And it's nice.

[98] They may have just acres and acres and acres of land.

[99] And they, you know, I don't know if they maybe throw out some goats once in a while for the tigers or something.

[100] They just don't talk about it.

[101] No, they don't do that.

[102] No, they don't do that in Iraq.

[103] There's a video in Iraq of, they let a donkey loose.

[104] And this is how they do it every day.

[105] And the donkeys just walking around eating, and they open up the gues.

[106] gate and these tigers come running out of the gate and just bitch slapped that donkey to the ground and fucking jack them.

[107] It's really kind of wild to see.

[108] And it's really shocking.

[109] These GIs filmed it when they were in Iraq at the zoo.

[110] It's shocking to see, but that's really the way they're supposed to eat.

[111] Like, that's how you should do it.

[112] If you're going to feed animals, you're going to have wild animals.

[113] You should have them eat what they normal eat, man. I mean, like, what's with this feeding fucking snakes, frozen mice?

[114] Give them a fucking mouse, you know?

[115] I mean, that's what they're supposed to do we're we're trying to like enforce our own ideas of morality and predation on fucking monsters you know i mean like look a snake is a monster dude you know tigers that's a monster those are all monsters yeah they're natural monsters they there's a whole natural cycle of things and to take them out of that there's a there was a kangaroo cage that was the most depressing thing because those kangaroos are just sitting there they didn't do shit they just laid down human beings though could be concerned considered monsters.

[116] So like if you put somebody in prison that's a mass murderer, we're doing the same thing, you know, we should let that mass murder go out on his way and just murder a shitload of people, you know?

[117] What?

[118] That's kind of a dumb -ass logic is that?

[119] Well, I mean, if you're saying like, you know, like a tiger is a tiger or whatever, like a snake should kill its own prey and we should, you know, do it what.

[120] Well, why, no, we're feeding them killed prey.

[121] We kill it first.

[122] That's what's the most ridiculous thing is that we kill what they eat first.

[123] So they're it's not as brutal for us.

[124] Somehow or another.

[125] Someone else kills it, you buy it killed, then you feed it to them.

[126] That's ridiculous.

[127] That's not a mass murderer, dude.

[128] Mass murderers are just fucked in the head.

[129] They're not killing for food as a part of a natural cycle.

[130] They're just nuts.

[131] Yeah.

[132] And then when you get a nutty person, the problem is human consciousness is so more complex, supposedly, than animal consciousness because we have the ability to alter our environment.

[133] So you can't have someone whose consciousness is haywire.

[134] Because that's what, when you have, like, serial killers and mass murderers, What you have is someone whose consciousness has just gone off the tracks and into the woods and you have just chaos.

[135] And if a society is aware of itself, it has to realize that there's certain issues are going to come up when you have crazy people running around killing your family and your friends.

[136] So you've got to kill them.

[137] What you're supposed to do with someone like a mass murder of, you're absolutely convinced.

[138] That's the problem, really.

[139] The problem is the court system.

[140] The court system's so fucking corrupt.

[141] and so many times DAs and prosecutors are just trying to get they're just kind of trying to get a guilty verdict and they don't give a fuck if someone is guilty or not.

[142] There's many, many, many instances where cops have framed guys that were innocent.

[143] People have gone to jail for years.

[144] It turns out their DNA evidence they were framed.

[145] I mean, that's happened many, many, that's the real fucking problem.

[146] But if we could be absolutely sure that we knew that somebody was a mass murderer or a rapist or anyone with no remorse who hurt other people and could hurt someone that you care.

[147] You got to kill them.

[148] Why keep more out?

[149] There's too many fucking people.

[150] You know?

[151] I mean, look, it's not like they're not going to die eventually anyway.

[152] It's not like if you don't kill them, you know, they're going to fucking cure cancer and live forever.

[153] No, they're not going to do anything.

[154] They're not a mass murderer is not going to contribute to society.

[155] You know, they're just not.

[156] There's nothing is going to, nothing good is going to come out of that.

[157] They should just line them up and like, oh, you need a new liver.

[158] Bam, you're on death row.

[159] There should be no, like, you know, time period and they're going to electrocute you.

[160] They should just shoot you, take all.

[161] the parts that they could use your corneas or your livers and stuff like that's an interesting topic because there was a thread on the board the message board on my website where people were talking about organs having a memory and uh there all these people who have gotten transplants from people all of a sudden they knew things they couldn't have possibly known and people they don't even know but you know and stuff like that yeah i mean i've heard of many things like that where people all a sudden had cravings for certain types of foods and they had no idea that the person i mean this is not just one instance.

[162] And see, the thing is about memory.

[163] Like, we don't know where memory is stored exactly.

[164] We don't, I mean, they know an incredible amount more than the average person about the way the human body works, much more than people knew 100 years ago, much more than, you know, even a decade ago.

[165] But they don't know everything.

[166] There's a lot of questions, man. First of all, with human body, your cells regenerate every seven to 10, I think it's seven years.

[167] so literally every cell in your body changes and becomes a new one you're a new version of you every seven to ten years yes they're not the same anymore so if that's the case where the fuck are your memories because I have memories that are way more than seven years old you know so where are the memories stored if you have a completely new cell I mean are the memories like transferred back and forth between the cells when the new one is born is it born with the same memories I mean where's the memory where's it stored.

[168] We don't fucking know.

[169] The other idea is that the memories are stored in the neurons.

[170] Well, if that's the case, because the neurons are the only thing that stay.

[171] The neurons are not, you get, the neurons you get, or the neurons you get forever.

[172] You don't get new ones.

[173] They don't regenerate every seven years.

[174] But the heart is filled with neurons.

[175] It's like one of the biggest clusters of neurons in the body.

[176] It's like right up there with the brain.

[177] And I think, you know, people who have had heart transplants, I don't think it's that preposterous that they would have memories.

[178] I don't think that's, is that preposterous at all?

[179] I think it is.

[180] I think that these people that say that they're having dreams and stuff, they probably would have had that same exact dream with or without it.

[181] Why would you say that, Brian?

[182] They're talking about things that couldn't possibly have known about.

[183] People have, this little girl...

[184] Have you ever had dreams of strangers?

[185] This little girl gave up the exact identity and location of the woman, of the man who murdered, the girl who gave her the heart.

[186] Do you know that story?

[187] No, but it sounds very far -fetched.

[188] It sounds far -fetched, but it doesn't mean it's not true.

[189] There's something things that I read that when it's like that that it's kind of like to me is seeing UFOs it's either somebody that wants attention that's just dumb and they're going no I had my arm transplant and now I'm thinking having all these dreams of people I don't know it's that's that's okay that's possible I know I know it's also possible that it's real and that's the problem with skepticism totally with skepticism when it comes to something that we don't understand that's the problem is that you know you run the possibility of excluding something because it seems irrational but the reality is we don't have enough information to decide what's rational and what's irrational just the idea that you have memories at all is fucking nuts you know the idea that you can how about the idea that you can change people's memories you know they say that especially like right after something shocking if you start talking to someone and introducing new ideas to them they'll they'll re -remember the whole situation they'll change the whole way they remember things like have you ever thought of something was someone way and then you go back and you watch the video you're like god damn it wasn't like that at all like i had a fucking i don't trust my memory that much i trust some things there's some things that i know that are recording in there forever for real and no doubt about it there's some things because i've made sure that i've kept that memory like i've had some pretty intense experiences where i made sure like i am going to make sure that i record this one right but other ones are a fucking blur man you know there's a lot of them that are blurry you know you look back on you you your high school years like Jesus Christ it's like a slide shows and I barely remember any of it do you remember it like it's getting worse and worse I'm actually pretty good with a lot of weird memories but then I the other day I was trying to think of somebody and that I actually hung out with for three years when I was a kid and don't remember his face at all can't even put like my sister's like you don't remember him we hung out all the time like I remember him but I don't know have any idea what he looks like yeah I've had that happen to me before for sure that's fucking weird.

[190] It is weird.

[191] It's so weird.

[192] I wonder where all that shit goes.

[193] Up in smoke.

[194] Why is it that someone can pull it back though?

[195] Like someone will say something and you go yes!

[196] And then all sudden boom, the memory like blossoms in your mind.

[197] Like what is that?

[198] It's like you're giving CPR to the memories.

[199] It's like they're almost dead.

[200] Yeah.

[201] It's like a branch of the tree was hit.

[202] A nerve of that memory was hit and it woke up that section of memory or whatever.

[203] yeah something along those lines what is that what the fuck is that it's my phone what happened oh dude you got a spider on your face look oh shit that's a daddy long way how the fuck did that get on me dude from the sling yes your house is a beer factor oh I'm not on I'm not on I'm not on O .B. and Anthony this week it's not this week They made a mistake.

[204] I'm there March 26th, not February 26th.

[205] It's the Friday before the UFC next month.

[206] I'm in Dallas this weekend.

[207] I'm not in New York this weekend.

[208] So I'm going to be at the Addison Improv this weekend.

[209] Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with my man Joey Diaz.

[210] And Brian will be there as well.

[211] If we get Brian drunk, we might have to talk about going on on stage.

[212] Brian is actually a funny comedian He's done stand -up a couple of times He did it in Atlanta He did it Where else did you do it?

[213] You know I was going to try to go up on stage Before this weekend just in case If I get too drunk And put me on stage But I really, it really hurts me To go back and spend three hours of my life For like five minutes in front of two people Yeah The open mic nights It is a grind know people ask me questions all the time like hey i'm thinking about doing comedy what's the best advice i'm like man you got to be willing to put your whole life aside you got to be willing to you got to be willing to especially if you have a job during the day you have a job during the day man your night time you now that's your social life it's going to be stand -up comedy you're going to be going to be clubs and you're going to be performing and you have to do it all the time if you don't do it all the time you're going to forget all your material the whatever comfort you gain on stage will be eroded very quickly you know it's a goddamn long -ass grind man yeah I think if I was younger I would totally be into it but it's really hard to be an adult and waste that much time it is it is hard you know I did it I started out doing stand -up when I was 21 that's when I did it right after my 21st birthday and I was just I had shit going on back then man you know I mean I was doing things I have you know I had a life sort of but it wasn't like I had a family or a mortgage or, you know, no obligations.

[214] Yeah, I have no internet back then.

[215] I had no obligations, you know, so it wasn't, it's hard when you have a girlfriend and you have a life and you have a wife and you have children and you have a mortgage.

[216] Fuck, man. You know, when I talk to dudes that are like 40 and they're thinking about doing comedy, I'm like, you know, okay, that's like saying, I'm thinking about getting into brain surgery, man. What do you think about brain surgery?

[217] Not saying that comedy is as hard as brain surgery.

[218] because first of all it's not as it's not as difficult to remember all the things you need to remember with brain surgeons but it is just as difficult in a way because there's no real path I mean you could suck as a comedian you can't suck as a brain surgeon you're fucking going to jail so it's obviously a lot more discipline involved in brain surgery because you have to do it correctly but both are equally difficult to actually fucking do and put anything in this life is difficult If you're going to really do it, I mean, just think about if you started tomorrow and you wanted to be a computer programmer.

[219] You don't know shit about computers.

[220] You're starting from scratch and you want to be a computer programmer.

[221] Fuck!

[222] Imagine the fucking work that's involved in that?

[223] A lot of reading, though.

[224] You know, it's a lot of reading.

[225] Nowadays, like, I mean, I could pretty much teach myself some programming by just looking at videos and lines.

[226] You know how to type.

[227] You know about computers.

[228] You know a lot of shit about computers.

[229] You know a lot of shit about code, you know, to a person that has no experience whatsoever and decides, I want to take on a new career, I want to be a computer programmer, I want to code for video games.

[230] Good fucking luck, man. How about I want to create video game engines?

[231] I just, I don't know where I want to be the next John Carmack.

[232] You're fucked, man. You're fucked.

[233] That shit will take forever.

[234] Anything that's worth doing takes fucking forever to get good at, you know.

[235] And comedy is no different.

[236] comedy music is no different you know i often like look at people playing piano or playing guitar or something like that i go how cool would that be to be able to just fucking jam on the i wish but god damn that's a lot of fucking time i've tried to learn that though it's it's a it's a it's a coordination thing for me though for that that's something i think you're just born with being able to understand be able to coordinate each finger a certain way well it's also cultivation it's also if you do things like with your fingers like that early on in life you know it becomes much easier as you get older they say that um the army now is using um they're using Xbox controllers right for their drones right because these fucking kids are so good so used to it yeah yeah and they're encouraging people to play video games i mean it's just a matter of time before they start record uh recruiting like the the baddest motherfuckers in video games like yeah they probably do yeah i mean like if you could play like war games with like a keyboard and a mouse.

[237] Like, there's these dudes that play Quake, like, professionally.

[238] Those motherfuckers can move that mouse cursor and put it on an object, like, instantaneously.

[239] You know, they know exactly where that cursor is going.

[240] They play so much that when they move that mouse, the mouse and a keyboard is way more accurate than that joystick thing.

[241] The joystick thing is kind of difficult to manipulate the, like, the toggles and, like, exactly where the crosshair goes.

[242] But if you have a mouse, you can put a mouse.

[243] If you understand, like, how quick you know that all depends on you know everybody likes a difference some people like high sensitivity some people like low sensitivity but the bottom line is once you get used to whatever it is you move the mouse the cursor goes in a certain directions they can put it like exactly where they want to instantly so it's not like when you're in a helicopter and you see the insurgents you got to move the crosshairs and get them in line we have them in line we haven't in line no it's bang i mean they could do it so fucking quick.

[244] I mean, that would be some crazy shit.

[245] If you could have drones and have like that guy Fatality, you know, fatality is?

[246] Yeah, yeah.

[247] He's like the baddest motherfucking Quake player ever.

[248] This dude is just ridiculously accurate with his mind.

[249] And a cool guy to him, a very nice guy.

[250] But if you've got that guy playing for your army and you have drones with missiles in it from that fucking guy, holy shit.

[251] You know?

[252] Yeah.

[253] That's the future, man. Welcome to the new world.

[254] It's pretty crazy how video games have exploded from something that used to be like little ping pongs.

[255] Now people have, like, amazing video games on their phones.

[256] Yeah, it's incredible, man. Just look at what you can do with your iPhone.

[257] Playing, you know, all these different racing games and shit.

[258] We're working on the new UFC fight game.

[259] Right.

[260] Fuck, it's amazing, man. When you watch some of the graphics and shit, like they dive for knee bars.

[261] They get triangles.

[262] They throw head kicks and punches, flying knees and shit.

[263] You see all this crazy shit, all these different techniques they can do.

[264] just like in real fighting and it's like it's so close to being like a video like an actual UFC fight that you can manipulate you know the limit is in the controller I think what eventually is going to happen is you're going to have a goddamn suit on you're going to have a fucking suit on or you're just going to have this little wire plugged in on your forehead and you're just going to think that could happen but Microsoft is very close to developing the whole system where you interact with the game what's it called?

[265] Natel it comes out like I think November or it might have I push it back.

[266] Spell?

[267] N -A -T -A -L.

[268] And it's pretty much just like a camera or something that sits on top of your TV and then...

[269] It reads your motions.

[270] It reads your motions.

[271] Yeah.

[272] That's incredible because that's going to be fucking cool.

[273] Imagine having like a UFC game where you could learn how to fight without actually fighting.

[274] My problem with that whole thing is I think maybe if I was a kid, I would have loved it.

[275] But when I'm playing a video game, like I don't want to have to be doing this shit.

[276] Well, you say that.

[277] You say that.

[278] No, I'm not doing it with Wii right now.

[279] Right.

[280] I know we.

[281] Yeah, but Wii is whack.

[282] It's this little thing, and you're playing ping pong, and it sort of moves the way you want it to.

[283] I did a Wii car game once, and I was like, this is not specific at all.

[284] It's not rewarding.

[285] Yeah, but something about having to, like, get up.

[286] Oh, you're a lazy fuck.

[287] That's what you're trying to say.

[288] Well, yeah, if I was a kid, it might have been better.

[289] But, like, nowadays, I want to play video game.

[290] I just want to sit there and smoke weed.

[291] I don't want to eat.

[292] But that's dependent on the graphics.

[293] What if the graphics were, like, 3D, fucking super dope virtual reality type shit, and you had a virtual gun and you're running down a hallway shooting at all because of shit like you have a gun in your hand and it reads this gun come on man that would be this shit and the actual running that you take place like maybe that would be the shit if you had a fucking warehouse like a virtual reality warehouse like you enter into the door you put on this helmet and it's just a flat -ass like laser tag yeah but but complete 3D virtual reality you know yeah and if you get close to the walls like a little light goes on you are getting close to the wall that would be cool turn right you know yeah come on man I just I've just gotten to a point where I did this Nintendo Wii shit just drives me crazy the Wii is boring man the Wii is like playing pool but there's no pool queue yeah you're just going like and there's no feedback you need feedback man like I want to click a button and see a gun go off you know I want to click the mouse button and see the rocket you know take off right that this whole moving your arm through the air that's fucking weak that's stupid I forget what it was they just said the other day that in the future that they're going to use like Google Maps and like Street View of Google Maps and you're going to be playing video games of like your street you're going around into your house you know what I mean You should be able to find out if someone is playing like Doom on your street and blowing up your house Right You should be like yeah She'd say hey just want you to know They should like send you an email It should be like the Sims where it's like your house is the house in the video game and so like if you try to break in your house they're trying to break in your house never mind like everyone should have their own house in the video game yeah that would be kind of cool that would be cool right then you would know where everybody everyone lives unless he killed them oh you killed them in the video game definitely don't have access to you well for like 24 hours or something like that and you can run away I'm kind of shocked that virtual reality kind of hit like a the technology never really developed the way I thought it was going to like you know you heard about that shit like way back in the 80s and I thought wow like there was movies based on that and I thought like wow remember like um well sort of dagger I don't remember what movie remember total recall they fucking make you could dream right yeah that shit's coming it's a total recall what was the one with the shit with the red hair in not total recall they've already been able to take images and implant them in people's minds and they've been able to read images from people's minds like read what you're thinking about like you can look at something and the computer like there's some sort of sensors that they hook up to your brain and then it sends the image to a computer and it's it can tell what you're fucking looking at like that's nuts man because eventually i mean this is in a very rudimentary stages of technology where they can only pick out shapes and shit but eventually they're going to be able to fucking see what you're seeing yeah that's that element is that the red hair in fifth element is that the bruce wall's movie yeah and they had like memory Like, they plugged, like, memories in your head.

[294] That was a...

[295] How badass was Chris Tucker in that movie?

[296] Remember he was that crazy alien?

[297] Remember Lawmiller Man?

[298] That was a good movie, too.

[299] That was another nutty movie, but a retard that went crazy, right?

[300] Right.

[301] Put a computer in his brain or something.

[302] Yeah.

[303] Another Stephen King book.

[304] Stephen King.

[305] Oh, no, it was Strange Days.

[306] Was it?

[307] Strange Days was another virtual reality, something crazy -ass.

[308] I think it was Strange Days.

[309] That was an awesome movie.

[310] Strange Days.

[311] this girl here just said that I can't wait for strange days become true that's what it was it was strange was it yeah that was the one angela bassett right yeah she would forever be Tina Turner sorry you know I love doing any other movies I don't think of thought you're Tina Turner um what was I gonna say oh this fucking miss uh Beverly Hills did you hear about this yeah another one of these beauty page and chicks came out saying that she doesn't believe the gay should be married and she you know she quoted the viticus and the Old Testament saying that the Bible says that it's some stupid quote like any man who lays down with a man as if you know the same way lays down with a woman it's an abomination should be put to death so she came on and said that gay should be put to death I love it like she's supporting the Old Testament which by the way I mean whatever you fucking want to believe about religion that's all well and good you know who knows if God is real who knows I mean it could be that the Bible was completely ridiculous because God wants things confusing.

[312] Who knows?

[313] But it gets to a certain point where you read certain things and you got to go, all right, people are full of shit.

[314] And there was no internet back then.

[315] It's not like, you know, there was a copy of the Bible on Wikipedia and people kept altering it, but everybody was like, no, that's not what it says.

[316] And they went back and changed it.

[317] You know, they didn't, the Old Testament, they didn't even write that fucking thing down for like a thousand years.

[318] It was stories you know and the idea that those stories you can't tell I can't tell a story to him and he tells it to his girlfriend and his girlfriend writes it in her blog and it's the same story it'll be fucked up for sure I can't tell you how many times like someone has gone to one of my gigs and I've said something and then a guy like quote on Twitter like oh dude that was so funny last night when you said this about that I'm like damn I didn't say that you're saying something fucked up what I said was a lot nicer you know But when you realize that memories are so fucking, there's no way.

[319] There's no way you could be that accurate over a thousand years or people talking about it.

[320] And then on top of it, the original, the Old Testament Bible was written in ancient Hebrew.

[321] And to this day, they only know three out of four words in ancient Hebrew.

[322] 25 % of the words, they don't have a clue as to what they mean.

[323] Not only that, letters and numbers were the same thing back then.

[324] There were no numbers.

[325] So the letter A was also the number one.

[326] So there was like numerical value in words.

[327] Like the word love and the word God, they have the same numerical value in ancient Hebrew.

[328] But as soon as they translated that to Latin and to Greek, that shit was all gone.

[329] That shit was all lost.

[330] So for this dumb bitch to sit and think that God wants people to put the death of they're gay.

[331] This is with the...

[332] Miss Beverly Hills.

[333] This is a new one.

[334] New Miss California.

[335] And California's supposed to be so liberal.

[336] It ain't Miss Texas.

[337] Do you know who Carrie Ann Panty is, or whatever name is?

[338] She's from Celebrity Rehab.

[339] Paniche.

[340] Paniche.

[341] She was the one that had the threesome with a guy from Grey's Anatomy.

[342] Anyways, on this show, Celebrity Rehab, she, you just want to strangle her.

[343] And I think it's almost with these, like, pageant people.

[344] Because I know a couple of these girls that do the pageants and stuff like that.

[345] They're fucked up in their head, you know?

[346] They've been doing it all their life.

[347] These little kids are grown up.

[348] Do you remember last time, not last time I went to Dallas, but the time before, when there was that little girl pageant going on at the hotel we were saying yes you remember that yeah that was scary that was that was the weirdest fucking thing ever we're hanging out at the hotel and there's all these little girls i mean little like six yeah yeah six years old with high heels and makeup on with their hair done and jewelry and dresses and you're like what the fuck is going on here that shit is an abomination all right that is a fucking, that is a travesty.

[349] I feel like I was doing something wrong in the elevator because I was in the elevator with two of them and I looked at her and I'm like, oh my God.

[350] Yeah, you don't want to look at it.

[351] It's like if they were naked finger in themselves in front of you're like, oh, yeah, something's not right there.

[352] Sometimes my daughter will play with her pussy.

[353] Just, I don't know, and I don't want to say this.

[354] It's just true.

[355] I mean, you would too if you had one.

[356] But the other day, she was lying there and she had her little feet up in the air, she's rocking back and forth.

[357] She's just two hands.

[358] just grabs it, you know, and I don't know what to say.

[359] Like, what do you say to that?

[360] You go, don't do that.

[361] You can't tell her not to do that.

[362] You know, you don't want to suppress her and get her crazy.

[363] Yeah, we also don't want her to be, like, in kindergarten going, hey, anybody!

[364] They all do it anyway, dude.

[365] I got news for you.

[366] They all do it.

[367] Don't you remember doing weird shit with kids when you were little?

[368] Dude, I played doctor.

[369] Me and my friend played doctor with all the girls in our neighborhood.

[370] And I remember the only time I remember the most, we had three girls lined up.

[371] And we were like, okay, we were going to be putting pencils in your vaginas, take off your pants.

[372] So we took off other pants, and we just went back to each one, then we pulled out and smell it and go to the day.

[373] Oh, dude, what the fuck.

[374] But we were all like five.

[375] You could give those girls lead poised now.

[376] I know.

[377] They might be retarded now because of you.

[378] They're all on my Facebook, too, so hopefully they're not watching one.

[379] You should ask them all questions.

[380] Does anybody remember anything about pencils?

[381] So do you remember me putting a pencil in your car?

[382] But this, so this beauty pageant thing that we saw at the hotel, it was dark.

[383] I mean, it was really dark because there was all these weirdo fucking religious people with their kids dressed like horrors.

[384] It made no fucking sense.

[385] I mean, no sense.

[386] Because it was on, we were there on a Sunday, and they were talking about church.

[387] There was all this church talk, and you got your girl dressed as a fucking prostitute.

[388] There's a six -year -old dress as a prostitute, and you're talking about church.

[389] They had high -heeled shoes on.

[390] I mean like this high, which the only reason why shoes have heels like that is so that women's legs look longer so that guys think about them when they're pushing these long legs back and fucking the shit out of you.

[391] That's what that's for.

[392] Those, that long leg thing, why do you think, what do you think that's there for?

[393] You're sacrificing how you can walk.

[394] How about that?

[395] Just so that men want to fuck you more than we already do, which is, we want to fuck you a lot.

[396] Do you have sex with a girl that has her shoes on, like high heels?

[397] Have you ever got that?

[398] No. No. What is up with that, though?

[399] That's just porno stuff.

[400] That's ridiculous.

[401] I mean, I'm sure somewhere in my life, you know, someone's not, you know, taking everything off.

[402] It's possible, but that someone would like that.

[403] But the whole, I don't like them in the first place.

[404] I hate them.

[405] I think it's gross.

[406] They're ugly.

[407] It seems to me like you're doing something stupid.

[408] Right.

[409] You know, I don't want to be, like, you're getting tricked.

[410] And you don't need to do it for me. You know, like my wife always wants to wear these high heels when she's.

[411] leaves the house.

[412] They're like, okay, if you want to do that, that's all good.

[413] But to me, it seems like you can't walk.

[414] Right.

[415] I'd rather you wear tennis shoes.

[416] But women love them, man. They love shoes.

[417] They love how they look.

[418] It's like how dudes love cars.

[419] You know how you know, like you see like a 69 Mustang or something like that?

[420] And you go, whoa.

[421] And you like pull up to a dude.

[422] Look at that motherfucker.

[423] You know what I'm saying?

[424] Like there's something that men have.

[425] Like women can go, wow, that's a pretty car.

[426] But it's not the same as how a dude looks at a car.

[427] Well, for girls, the shoe thing is just, they really fucking love shoes, man. They're like makeup and shoes.

[428] It looks like they're opposite sides of the body because you're so ashamed of the middle.

[429] It's like, it bleeds, it's gross, don't look at it.

[430] Look at me. Look at it up here.

[431] My eyes are huge.

[432] Look at my lashes.

[433] They're unnaturally long.

[434] Yeah, right?

[435] It's probably something like that.

[436] My legs are just so long.

[437] They're amazing.

[438] Look how long my legs are.

[439] And where do they go to?

[440] I don't look up.

[441] Oh, look at my naughty.

[442] Well, the, you know, that's one thing if you're a woman.

[443] You know, if you're a grown woman, that's what you like, and, you know, what the fuck ever.

[444] Who gives a shit?

[445] You want to go pierce your balls.

[446] Go do it.

[447] Who gives a shit?

[448] But for little kids, that's not, that's not cool, man. To have a six -year -old dress like a hugger?

[449] No, no. It's disturbing.

[450] It is disturbing.

[451] It felt very wrong, you know, and, you know, like that whole John B 'nai -Ramsey case, man. That shit disturbed.

[452] Still don't know the end of that case yet.

[453] They don't know.

[454] We're going to find out.

[455] The dad's still alive, I believe.

[456] The mom's dead.

[457] I think they all died.

[458] Maybe the dad's dead too.

[459] It's possible.

[460] Anybody know?

[461] Twitterverse?

[462] Yeah, Twitterverse says, not cool, and I agree.

[463] You know?

[464] Eye heels are just as much an establishment as a male's tie is.

[465] Both are silly.

[466] That's true.

[467] That's true.

[468] Braunheiser.

[469] God damn.

[470] This Twitter shit goes too fast.

[471] He's not crazy.

[472] It's weird.

[473] Yeah, no, you're absolutely right.

[474] I think ties are completely ridiculous.

[475] I didn't even, I haven't worn a tie in a long, I did a documentary recently on DMT, and I had to wear a tie because I played like a Rod Sterling type narrator.

[476] It's a really interesting documentary on DMT.

[477] It'll be out sometime in the spring, but I had to wear a tie.

[478] I had no idea how to tie this fucking thing.

[479] I had no idea.

[480] The last time I wore a tie was my first album.

[481] Grab that thing off the wall real quick.

[482] My first album in 1999, you know, just as a guy.

[483] goof.

[484] One of the things I always said that I love about being a comedian is that you don't have to wear a fucking tie.

[485] And so, just my first CD, for whatever reason, I just thought it would be funny if I wore a tie.

[486] I don't know.

[487] It doesn't make any sense.

[488] It just looks strange.

[489] I had to wear a tie for like 10 years.

[490] Every day.

[491] Suck.

[492] Yeah.

[493] If you want to, like, work in business man, it's like, there's an agreement.

[494] Like, everyone has to know that you are willing to wear something completely ridiculous because you're You're following by the very obvious rules of behavior.

[495] It's going to be really easy to predict what you're doing.

[496] That's what people like.

[497] Like, I'm a gentleman.

[498] You know, like as a gentleman, well, I feel this.

[499] I'm a gentleman.

[500] We've got a tie on.

[501] Gentleman, gentlemen, gentlemen.

[502] You know, it's like there's this, like, this agreement that you're not going to get too crazy.

[503] It's like my Dr. Phil impression, you know, I'm out, bottom of my shoes are shiny.

[504] They are very slippery.

[505] I'm not chasing after anybody.

[506] You know, it's like there's something to that.

[507] something to this silly outfit that you wear that's uncomfortable.

[508] Like if people started doing business and they had like rash guards on, like Lycra, rash guards on like they're ready to go to Jiu -Jitsu and shit, you know, like, why would that be bad?

[509] But it is bad.

[510] You know, you can't have like board shorts and, you know what I'm saying?

[511] You know, running shoes on and you look like you're like ready to fucking pounce on people.

[512] Nobody wants that in business.

[513] You can't have, when you go to business, you have to be dressed uncomfortable.

[514] Your button has to be all the way up here, you know.

[515] It's fucking ridiculous.

[516] I hate it.

[517] I remember I used to work at this architect firm for my stepfather and this was when I was big into acid and stuff like that.

[518] So every time I would come to work, I was either hungover still tripping on acid or something like that.

[519] It was such a boring job that it was acceptable because all that I had to do is make copies of architect plans and stuff like that.

[520] Do you think you fucked up your brain on acid?

[521] Do you think you've fucked up your brain on it?

[522] No. No?

[523] I think I think if when I was doing it, I was definitely, was there any point?

[524] Like, you know, you ever heard Howard Stern talk about his acid trade?

[525] No. Howard Stern talked about it on the radio, and I guess he did, like, a giant dose of acid, like way too much.

[526] And he was, like, all fucked up for, like, a long time.

[527] Like, he was hearing voices, and it was just, like, a real psychotic episode.

[528] And, you know, that's a really, that's a thing about psychedelics.

[529] So, you got to make sure you don't fuck around and do.

[530] too much.

[531] Like, Dennis McKenna had an experience like that, too.

[532] Dennis McKenna, who's Terrence McKenna's brother, they're both famous psychonauts, for psychedelic pioneers in the 70s.

[533] They went to Brazil, and he took, like, way too much mushrooms.

[534] And he lost his mind for, like, two weeks.

[535] Like, he couldn't communicate with people, you know?

[536] And the last time I did DMT, I was fucking whacked out for, like, two solid weeks.

[537] Not totally, you wouldn't guess if you were talking to me. I was totally normal.

[538] I did shows.

[539] The shows went great.

[540] I went to work.

[541] I did fear factor.

[542] That went great.

[543] You know, nothing got fucked up in my, but my head was like, I felt very, you know how you feel like your consciousness is like in a foundation.

[544] Your consciousness is like, you know, like, boom, it's solid.

[545] This is me, the morning.

[546] You wake up in the morning.

[547] Hi, honey.

[548] You kiss your girlfriend, brush your teeth.

[549] This is fucking solid.

[550] When I did the DMT, my consciousness was like a little tiny raft in a fuck.

[551] up ocean.

[552] It's like, you know, like nothing seemed, like I kept having these ideas that cars were going to come launching themselves over the boundaries and hit my car while I was driving.

[553] And I'm like, I'm like, why am I thinking this?

[554] I'm like, what is this about?

[555] And then I realized that what it was was this idea of worrying about possible disasters was my ego's way of regaining ground and letting me know that it has to have a certain amount of real estate.

[556] state in reality, and that if you want to do crazy, crazy psychedelics and go into other dimensions, communicate with entities and re -evaluate your whole position in the world and human kinds position with each other, that's all well and good, but there's some real shit in the world that the ego has to be there for.

[557] And the ego was like sending me a message, um, dude, what if a fucking car launched itself at you better be fucking paying attention?

[558] Like, there was a certain amount of, of where it was such a moment.

[559] mind -blowing experience that there was like a wrestling match going on in my head between my ego and between this new information and accepting all this new information from the psychedelic trip and incorporating it into the way I look at everyday life you know and like you know you think about someone who's like a real like a shaman you know they're living in the jungle and they're all at peace in the world they're not calling people douchebags on the internet you know there's a certain amount of enlightenment that if you achieve it it's going to make it very hard for you to function in the regular world and I think that's one of the most important things about psychedelic trips like there's a lot of cripples in the psychedelic world and in the weed world too there's a lot of people that they're they're so into these experiences that they can't incorporate it into their everyday life and they're almost crippled in their everyday life because of it and no psychedelic experience is worth anything unless you can take what you learn from it and enhance regular life enhance your your communication with people, your relationships with people, enhance the way you look at the world, enhance your career path, you know, the kind of friends you hang around with, unless it can enhance you.

[560] The reality is, we live in this world for eight hours a day or 12 hours a day or however long you're awake.

[561] This world, this shit, this concrete world is real and you have to manage your way through this.

[562] And psychedelic drugs make it very difficult to do that if you want to have a regular job.

[563] I think psychedelics, the main thing with psychedelics is it opens up a door.

[564] And, like, in the past, like, I've been off from DMT, but I won't do it because, like, when I first did mushrooms, I opened up to a door of things I never thought of or saw before, and it's never going to go away.

[565] It didn't damage my head, but now that I know that exists, I know it's there.

[566] And so when acid did the same thing, but there's a point where I have to go, okay, is this door, does this door need to be open?

[567] Is this anything positive with this door being open?

[568] And some drugs are like that for me, because, like, salvia was the closest to the point where I was like, okay, That is a scary door that I opened up because that just pretty much made everything seem fake.

[569] Like, it was like, this world is fake, everything's fake.

[570] And I know that's not true, but it opened up that door where I'm like, okay, that's almost too much of a door.

[571] I shouldn't have opened up that door.

[572] I'm never going to be able to get back that thought of not knowing that was there.

[573] I think that's pretty much saying the same thing.

[574] It's like if you can't bring it back and incorporate it into your everyday life and like sometimes you open up these doors, You're like, what the fuck am I going to do with this?

[575] Right, right.

[576] And then your everyday life is just whacked out.

[577] Some people like going back to that fake world so much, though, and that's where it gets fucking scared.

[578] Well, you know what?

[579] I think most of those people, their real world is not so hot.

[580] Right.

[581] You know, and that's one of the reasons why it becomes an escape, you know.

[582] And I don't think it should be an escape.

[583] I don't think you should ever escape reality.

[584] You're here.

[585] This is life.

[586] You know, there's, the life can be a magical, fucking intense, fantastic experience if you manage it correctly.

[587] But if you just want to escape all the time, I've got to think that you're probably fucking up in this life.

[588] And that's imbalanced, you know?

[589] People that always want to go.

[590] It's like the same thing with, like, video games.

[591] Like, remember I told you about this dude?

[592] There was this dude who used to be the manager at the comedy store that was addicted to EverQuest, just completely addicted.

[593] Eight, ten, twelve hours a day.

[594] Lost everything.

[595] Lost his job, lost his life.

[596] He just was so pale.

[597] You would see him.

[598] He was so pale.

[599] Looked like he never saw sunlight.

[600] Like he would order.

[601] in food and never leave the fucking house for days.

[602] And he came down to a comedy store one night and he goes, it's so weird.

[603] I'm so good at making money in my online life and so bad in my real life.

[604] He was starting to realize that like he's a fucking loser in this life because he's excited and puts all of his passion and energy into this other life.

[605] But that's just really because this other life is a new and exciting thing.

[606] A new and artificial thing and he can control it from his computer without dealing with emotions and dealing with all the, you know, the fears and anxieties that the real world presents.

[607] But the reality is, if we live life in a computer screen and we were offered the real world as a video game, the real world would be so much more fantastic, you know?

[608] We just don't think of it as being fantastic because we're so goddamn used to it.

[609] You know, if we lived life in a computer, in a computer monitor, and that's how you were when you were born, and then one day someone said, you know, hey, we've developed this new game that allows you to go outside and you go outside and you actually get laid and you can go and have a real drink and you feel it you do a real shot of Jack Tennis and go holy shit this is real I can't believe it you know you go get laid for real and you drive a car for real you'd be like dude the real world beast of fucking shit you would never want to play video games the reason why we want to play video games is because it's a world that we can control completely independent from all the the like the pros and cons of this solid world, completely independent of the emotions and the insecurities and all the shit that we all experience, but we don't like.

[610] But the reason why we experience insecurities and anxiety and anger, these are all like little chemical signals to guide you towards a proper life.

[611] Like what I found in life, most importantly, more than anything, is that the one, the way that I'm the most happiest is if I'm putting out positive energy.

[612] I'm putting out positive energy to people to friends, positive energy on stage, positive energy with my writing, my work, with anything I'm doing, it's all friendly and positive and happy.

[613] And if you do that, you know, you can have a fucking fantastic life.

[614] The problem is it's just difficult to do.

[615] It's hard to keep your shit together.

[616] It's hard not to lose your temper.

[617] It's hard not to, you know, be obsessed with something and get sidetracked.

[618] And that's what like gambling addictions and masturbation addictions and all that shit.

[619] That's what that's all about.

[620] It's like you're trying to distract yourselves from all the pain of being a human, you know?

[621] I mean, I think, fucking Hunter S. Thompson had a quote like that.

[622] Like, man, making himself a beast to get away from the pain of being a man. I forget exactly what the quote was.

[623] But something along those lines.

[624] Like, we distract the shit of ourselves because the game of life is fucking hard to do, man. Just like a video game is hard to do.

[625] You know, you remember, like, back when I used to play Quake, like, all the time.

[626] I played Quake like hours and hours a day And you and I played Quake online We played against each other And like you can tell the difference Between someone who's playing all the time Because you get really good at it You know you know where the buckets are gonna go And I was sticking rail guns up your ass And electric yeah I think you won 120 games And I won one Yeah it's totally not fair And like and believe me There's dudes online that would do that to me Just rape me Why?

[627] Because they had put so much time In this fucking crazy game They would get good at it But since you hadn't put time How frustrating was it?

[628] So, so you didn't want to play it, right?

[629] You want to shut it up.

[630] That's exactly the same as life.

[631] If you get good at life of the game, then it's fun as fuck.

[632] It's awesome, you know?

[633] If you're Leonardo DiCaprio, life must be the shit.

[634] You know what I'm saying?

[635] He's starring in movies, driving a Ferrari, banging super models.

[636] What?

[637] He's got a gigantic fucking mansion.

[638] I mean, he's a movie.

[639] It must be so fun for him.

[640] But not everybody could be Leonardo or Caprio.

[641] So if you're the fucking garbage, man who's you know came home and his wife is fucking the the newspaper guy you know that's that's not a fun life that's a that's that's just like a guy who's not good at quake getting murdered in a game it's not fun man it's like playing pool if you're good like i play pool i love pool i get obsessed with it but i have a friend my friend max everley he's a professional and he's a top professional i mean he's capable of winning when he's in stroke capable of winning any tournament in the world i mean he's really fucking good.

[642] And when I play against him, sometimes it's so frustrating.

[643] And I play pretty good.

[644] Like for a regular person, I play good.

[645] But for like a pro, not even fucking close.

[646] So when I play Max, it's just getting my ass handed to me. It's just getting fucked.

[647] The only time it's fun is when we play on a really, really tight table, so occasionally he misses.

[648] And then I'm like, oh, I get to shoot.

[649] You know, so he's much better at that game.

[650] You should give him a handicap of some sort of thing.

[651] Well, we, no. We just, we don't play for anything.

[652] And it's good for me. It's good for me because you get used to playing against a guy like that.

[653] It's not as fun as playing against a guy who's like your speed, but it's really good for your game because it makes sure that you capitalize on every mistake.

[654] Sometimes you'll play a guy who's not as good as you and you're like, I don't worry about this because if I miss, this guy's going to miss and I'll have another shot.

[655] But with Max, every time you miss, you're like, fuck, I better, you know, I better sit down for a while.

[656] Anyway, I believe that the hunter -ass quote is actually from Samuel Johnson an English author Thank you very much sir I thought it was a hunter -toxic quote Thank you C .J. McElhine McHenny What about words names like Schwarzenegger?

[657] How the fuck did that ever get through?

[658] What culture ran out of sounds so they had a string together something nutty like that?

[659] People that like to write in cursive.

[660] This is going to be the best Curse of writing I've ever seen.

[661] Right, right, right, right.

[662] Like manuscripts.

[663] They used to write it on pages.

[664] They didn't have lines in the paper.

[665] They just had paper.

[666] Right.

[667] And they would write it exactly.

[668] Have you ever heard of the Vignich manuscript?

[669] The Vonych manuscript, I don't know if I'm saying it right, is this ancient manuscript that was found it's hundreds, hundreds of years old, and they have no fucking idea what it says.

[670] They don't know the language.

[671] They don't know anything about it.

[672] They don't know if it's just nonsense, if some guy was just practicing scribble but it's like really long and there's consistency and how it's written but they can't decode it they've had like top encryption experts and it's like it's very divided like some people believe it's a hoax and some people believe that it's some fucking lost language and some people think that it's like glossolalia like when someone talks in tongues and that they just went into a fucking trance there's some retard with a pen no because it's got really good writing it's got diagrams in it and really good really good illustrations rather and diagrams and it's like yeah it's really complicated you know man they found that that temple and turkey that is 7 ,000 years older than the pyramids a very complex stone temple carved out of stone and shit and now they have to rewrite like human history because like 7 ,000 years before Egypt is 9 ,000 10 ,000 BC and 10 ,000 BC they already like had temples and were worshipping shit and like that throws a monkey wrench clank into the whole gears of the idea of cultural evolution.

[673] You know, and there's been this guy, John Anthony West.

[674] John Anthony West, looked that up on Google because this guy's fascinating.

[675] He's got an awesome DVD series called Magical Egypt.

[676] And this guy is obsessed with Egypt.

[677] He spent his entire life studying Egypt.

[678] And he believes that the Egyptian culture goes back way, way, way before the established timelines.

[679] Like the established timelines for Egyptian culture is like 2 ,500 BC.

[680] That's when they think like the pyramids were built.

[681] And that the culture goes back a little bit before that, but not much.

[682] And he thinks it goes back like 35 ,000 years.

[683] He thinks that people have been around way, way longer and that there was some big break somewhere along the line, like probably some sort of a natural cataclysmic disaster, like a meteor impact or something like that.

[684] And it could be, you know, 10 ,000, 15 ,000 years ago.

[685] Like, they don't know when it was.

[686] But they think that there was like an advanced culture.

[687] And then, boom, it got fucked up.

[688] And then culture rebuilds and society rebuilds.

[689] And then what's left is like they're living in this shit that was made thousands and thousands of years ago.

[690] And they tried to imitate it and recreate it and they can't.

[691] And he believes that that's what it is.

[692] Like these fucked up pyramids that they have in Egypt, it's not that these pyramids were like the first pyramids.

[693] He thinks much, much more likely these pyramids were probably like people were like trying to duplicate other shit, duplicate shit that was already there.

[694] You know, they believe that, that's, I don't actually, that's not his theory.

[695] That's someone else's theory.

[696] His theory is, and one of the things is about the sphinx.

[697] They brought in geologists, and the geologists have, like, documented the erosion on the sphinx, and they say that it's water eroded.

[698] Like, thousands of years of rainfall have cut deep fissures in the whole enclosure where the sphinx is.

[699] And the problem with that is, the last time there was rainfall in the Nile Valley was like 7 ,000, 9 ,000 BC.

[700] So that would mean that the pyramids, or the sphinx rather, would have to be.

[701] to be like 7 ,000 years older than the established timeline.

[702] And so, of course, none of the Egyptologists, like the guys have been teaching forever, that the pyramids and the sphinx and all that was built about 2 ,500 BC.

[703] They never want, they don't want to accept it.

[704] They go, well, where's the evidence for this culture?

[705] Like, it's right there, man. There's fucking rainfall for thousands of years have created this.

[706] And geologists are universal about that.

[707] There's no one who's disputing that.

[708] The geologists are all saying, he's got this guy Ron Schock, who's a professor at Boston University has got over a hundred professional professors and geologists to sign off on the fact that this is undoubtedly water erosion, which completely changes the timeline for when the sphinx was built.

[709] And there's a bunch of that shit going on in Egypt.

[710] They believe that it's like probably, you know, maybe even 30 ,000 years old.

[711] There's a mass extinction took place on the earth somewhere around 10 ,000 years ago.

[712] And that's when the woolly mammoths died instantaneously.

[713] That's when the saber -toothed tigers died.

[714] Noah's Ark?

[715] No, that's before them.

[716] But the, like 10 ,000 years ago, North America, like half of North America was under a mile -high sheet of ice.

[717] Like, there was an ice age going on.

[718] And something killed it and ended it, like, instantaneously.

[719] And they don't know what it was.

[720] and it's very, very likely that it was a fucking natural disaster.

[721] It's very likely that it was a fucking meteor impact that some...

[722] Whoa, what happened that guy's arm?

[723] You're distracting the shit out of me, son.

[724] Don't look at me. Well, don't fucking have a monitor open in front of me. Dude's surfing.

[725] He's not even paying attention.

[726] We do one week podcast.

[727] This dude is so addicted to the internet.

[728] He can't even talk for one week.

[729] I've heard you talk before.

[730] You've heard me talk.

[731] Well, this is online, dude.

[732] There's 675 people that have not heard this story.

[733] Don't look at me. Shut up, faggot.

[734] Anyway, I think people.

[735] people have been around way longer i think it's much more likely that it's just ridiculous that people still don't believe in in how long this world's been around you know what i mean oh like people have believed the earth's 10 000 years old it just drives me crazy well you know that's a not monster number more than 50 % of america according to a gallop poll which is not the same because um here's the thing about polls you can't say like according to a recent poll 50 % of americans believe this because no no according to your recent poll 50 % of americans who are fucking retarded enough to answer your poll believe in that that's the reality of that's ridiculous polls are never representative of anybody intelligent because you can't get me to answer a fucking poll you can't get you you got shit to do don't you have a hobby right you hear somebody calls you may i have five minutes your time no that's for like old ladies who have no friends that's what that is right well look at this glitter or i'm fucking super baked and i just don't want to hang up in a person And I'm like, um, okay, five minutes, okay, you know, I'm trying to be nice.

[736] But the reality is polls, polls represent retards, you know, you're a fucking, you're a dollar.

[737] You're answering polls, goddammit.

[738] The only time I do a poll is if I think I'm going to win something if I answer.

[739] 20 % of Americans can't find the United States on a globe.

[740] Is that true?

[741] Joe Beef, don't be lying.

[742] Joe Beef is lying.

[743] Joe Beef, did you make that shit up?

[744] Solar flares up in 2012, bro.

[745] we're crossing the galactic equator then you know what you know uh there's a guy which is it richard tyson is that his name is a what is that guy's name the uh astronomer really neil tyson neil tyson very very intelligent guy and i really like listen to him talk and one of the things he said about this whole crossing the aquatic whatever but what is it what is the exact the way this guy galactic equator i think that's what this guy said um yeah like we're we're we're cross crossing through the center of the galaxy, like everything's in line on December 21st, 2012.

[746] You know what he says?

[747] He says that happens all the time.

[748] He says that line up with the center of the galaxy.

[749] It doesn't happen then.

[750] It happens all the time.

[751] And nothing happens.

[752] So who knows if he's right or if he's one of those guys that's like super skeptical.

[753] But I think what's much more likely it's going to happen in 2012 is something technological.

[754] Something technological.

[755] Some crazy invention, you know, like...

[756] I don't think it'd be anything.

[757] It could be that, too.

[758] It could be that 2012, what really happens is nothing happens, and then people realize, oh, we have to actually manage this life.

[759] We can't just rely on fucking aliens landing.

[760] I was more scared about 2000, just because that made sense, like all the computers, planes dropping from the sky.

[761] I was scared, too.

[762] I didn't do a gig on 2000.

[763] I stayed home.

[764] Yeah, I thought, sure, there was at least going to be something small.

[765] when 2000 is.

[766] Isn't it crazy that that's 10 years ago now?

[767] Time is just fucking flying by, man. It's crazy fast.

[768] It's weird.

[769] It almost feels like it's quicker every year.

[770] And everybody says that, but what if time really is quicker?

[771] What if, like, clocks are moving quicker too?

[772] We just can't really establish it because that wouldn't make sense because what about digital clocks?

[773] Well, no, well, they all exist in this fucking dimension.

[774] Maybe this dimension is moving quicker.

[775] Units of time are, you know, almost, I think we're forgetting more.

[776] So it feels like we're forgetting more of the day.

[777] Because we have more information.

[778] Yeah.

[779] Yeah, maybe, right?

[780] Thoughts on the zeitgeist movement.

[781] You know what I think about zeitgeist and all that stuff?

[782] There's a lot of zeitgeist that's poorly researched.

[783] Like the stuff that he said about Mithra, different gods and stuff that are just like Jesus.

[784] A lot of that is really poorly researched.

[785] and incorrect and been proven wrong.

[786] There's a website that says, I think it's common, I don't know, debunking zeitgeist or something like that.

[787] I forget what the website is titled, but, I mean, the guy just breaks down all the errors that the dude who made the movie made.

[788] And it's just, you know, he's quoting references and showing very clearly that the zeitgeist guys have made some big, big fuck -ups.

[789] And I think his whole, how sure he, is that September 11th was was designed and that you know the uh and perpetrated by the U .S. government and that tower one and tower two fell because they were they were detonated like you're sure of that you know look no one's sure of that that's crazy you can't say free spall all this talk of free fall speed and the towers fell at free fall speed yeah they fell pretty fucking fast but that's what happens when shit falls apart it falls apart pretty fucking fast especially shit that's super heavy and gigantic and all that weight is on and it's all just collapsing, who the fuck knows what happens when you build a building that way and you fly a fucking giant plane filled with jet fuel into it?

[790] The only way to really know, I mean you can have theories, but the only way to really know is to build another building and fly another jet into it exactly the same way and see what happens.

[791] And if it falls down exactly like that one, then the argument's pretty much over.

[792] And if it doesn't, then you have to go, well, okay, well, what was inside the building?

[793] Did it all burn the same?

[794] Was it exactly constructed the same?

[795] You know, and you got to try it again.

[796] I mean, you have to fucking have more than two buildings to go on.

[797] And everybody's like, buildings have never fallen before.

[798] And look, the government does some nasty evil shit.

[799] That is absolutely a fact.

[800] But you don't know.

[801] You don't know what happened there.

[802] And to say that you know is just as bad as people who blindly trust in the U .S. government.

[803] The thing that question that I have a big question about when it comes to September 11th is Tower 7.

[804] and if you watch video online there's video of Tower 7 falling and it falls just like a controlled demolition I mean it just goes straight down all at once and it's really crazy to watch man you know because like it implodes from the basement down and every level falls apart including like jets of energy like spraying out of windows like there's blasts I mean maybe that could be because it's collapsing I mean that's a whole floor of air being pushed through the windows But the problem is it all falls at the exact same time, and that building wasn't even hit by a plane.

[805] It was on fire, and it had a hole in it from, like, debris and stuff, and I could see it falling down.

[806] There was a hole in one corner.

[807] And the hole, if it's a hole there, and the building's going to collapse, wouldn't it collapse towards the hole?

[808] I mean, doesn't that make sense?

[809] Maybe.

[810] It also makes sense the whole standing on a pop can thing, where if you stand on a pop can, you knock a little bit off the side.

[811] It's not, you're not falling over.

[812] You're going straight down because of the weight.

[813] You know, I mean, it's true.

[814] It's so heavy.

[815] Even if there's a hole on it, it doesn't matter.

[816] It's just going straight down.

[817] Hmm.

[818] That's maybe.

[819] Maybe.

[820] I think with all that shit, I'm like, yeah, I'm glad there's people that freak out about and care about it because without them, you know, the government's going to get away with a bunch of shit.

[821] But in my opinion, you know, I don't care.

[822] If the government did it, fuck, they did it, you know.

[823] I'm still waking up eating my cereal.

[824] Well, that is one thing you have to consider.

[825] I mean, it's like, you mean, how is this going to help you?

[826] How is this going to help you in your life?

[827] I know.

[828] If you get obsessed with this.

[829] Yeah.

[830] Look, here's the bottom line.

[831] People that think the government wouldn't kill people, and nobody died in Tower 7, supposedly.

[832] I think it's so hard to leave.

[833] People who think that the government would not kill people, this is all you need to know.

[834] For sure, they start wars than don't need to be started.

[835] That's 100 % fact.

[836] For sure, the Gulf of Tonkin incident that got us into the Vietnam War, that was a fake fucking attack on Americans.

[837] They faked it.

[838] And they faked it and made this big deal about it so that everybody would get fired up and realize we have to go to Vietnam.

[839] That's fact.

[840] This is history.

[841] You know, and the fact that they wrote up a thing called Operation Northwoods, the Northwoods document.

[842] And the Northwoods document was they were planning attacks on Americans, and they were going to, this is in 1962, and they were going, this is signed by the Joint Chiefs of Staff, by the way, and vetoed by Kennedy.

[843] They were going to attack Guantanamo Bay.

[844] They were going to lob grenades and mortars into Guantanamo Bay and possibly kill American soldiers.

[845] They were going to blow up a jetliner and blame it on the Cubans.

[846] And they were going to tell Americans, we have to go to war with Cuba.

[847] Well, people were going to fucking die in that war, for sure.

[848] And people are going to die in a war that Americans didn't want.

[849] And so they decided to do what's called a false flag and make attacks on Americans and blame it on the Cubans.

[850] And that's a fact.

[851] They're willing to kill people.

[852] And only 3 ,000 people died in September 11th.

[853] For sure, that's a lot of people.

[854] I'm not making light of it.

[855] But in comparison to how many people have died in Iraq during the fucking war.

[856] They're talking about like a million civilians have died in Iraq since the invasion.

[857] A million.

[858] I mean, that's fucking crazy.

[859] Look at Haiti.

[860] I mean, millions of people died from that earthquake in Haiti, but we didn't have it HD video fucking, you know, seeing it.

[861] Yeah, but we're not responsible for that.

[862] No, I mean, that's a natural disaster.

[863] What I'm saying is that they're willing to kill people.

[864] Right, right.

[865] I think the reason why we're focused on it though is just because of that, though, we all watched it live.

[866] Where if, you know, if we saw these people in Iraq get shot live, on TV would probably be just as big as 9 -11 you know well I don't know about that you know I think I think well I think the idea that it was an attack on American soil I mean that's really what was such a big deal and then I mean I remember how everybody gets so patriotic actors do you remember after September 11th how everybody had fucking American flags in their car remember that weird feeling yeah you were you're in Ohio back then right right did they have them in Ohio oh yeah it was crazy bag I would I I left, I went to work one day.

[867] I don't even think I was doing Fear Factor at the time.

[868] I might have been.

[869] But I was driving down the street near my house and every fucking car had an American flag on it.

[870] It was crazy.

[871] And I was like, this is just weird.

[872] This is a weird feeling.

[873] It's like people are bowling up.

[874] They're ready to just go to fucking war.

[875] And you don't realize like how warlike this fucking culture really is and how sheeplike and how people are just immediately willing to fight.

[876] And fight who?

[877] the people who did it are dead like it was a suicide attack so the people that were responsible for the deaths of those people are all dead I mean unless you're one of those crazy motherfuckers it doesn't believe that it was a real plane and then there's people that believe that they were piloted by remote control and the planes were empty and who the fuck knows?

[878] Shit happened almost what is this 10 years 10 years and people are still talking about it oh my God it's so frustrating talking to people who claim to No. That's when it's really frustrating.

[879] Man, it wasn't a plane that hit the Pentagon.

[880] It was a missile.

[881] Where is all the people that died in the fucking plane crash then?

[882] What?

[883] They just took them and why would they say it's a plane?

[884] Why would they shoot a missile and say it's a plane?

[885] Why were there all the plane parts on the lawn?

[886] I mean, come on, man. We talked about this before, right?

[887] It's all this, the plane part.

[888] Yeah, I think we'd actually last week or two weeks ago.

[889] What's Fear Factor real?

[890] Nothing is real.

[891] Depends on how much acid you take.

[892] Joe Rogan hates Bruce Springsteen.

[893] That is so not true.

[894] It's not true?

[895] Are you just trying to get attention, motherfucker?

[896] No, I don't hate Bruce Springsteen.

[897] Born to Run, that's a great fucking song.

[898] Brilliant Disguise, that's a great fucking song.

[899] Never got into Bruce Springsteen.

[900] Dude, I don't love all Bruce Springsteen, and I'm not going to sit through a fucking three -hour concert of anybody's.

[901] Yeah.

[902] It would have to be like Richard Pryor would have to come back from the day.

[903] Pink Floyd?

[904] I might sit through three hours of Pink Floyd.

[905] No, I wouldn't.

[906] I'd get bored.

[907] They don't have three hours of good songs.

[908] True.

[909] But I love some of Bruce Springsteen songs, you know?

[910] Some of them are the fucking shit.

[911] There's no one is going to, like, I bought an old.

[912] old Rolling Stone album the other day because it had one song on it that I really liked.

[913] I forget what it was but the rest of the album was dog shit and that's the Rolling Stones.

[914] You know, you think about how many great songs they have they have a lot of fucking albums.

[915] You know, if you go back into some of those older albums and listen to some of those songs that you don't know, it's just shit.

[916] You know, nobody puts out something that everybody loves.

[917] You know, and if I like, I mean, it's very rare that I like a whole album from a band.

[918] You ever been to a real orgy, like with more than 10 people having sex in the same room it's like you walked in you're like what the fuck is going on here the origin yeah like a real one no i never been on origin have you no i just it seems like all these tampa remember we're in tampa florida someone who was trying to get us to go to a sex club right he got had a swingers club that happened again with me and ari in um i think it was nashville me and ari were in nashville we had this driver who drove us to the ufc drove us to the comedy club the same driver all week and then finally he's dropping us off at the airport And he's like, as he's dropping us on, I was like, well, if you guys are back of town, no, I have a fucking swingers club that I belong to.

[919] And me and what?

[920] I go, what?

[921] And he was, I go, he's swingers.

[922] Like, yeah, me and my wife, we're swingers.

[923] You're swingers.

[924] So you let dudes fuck your wife.

[925] He's like, well, you know, she lets me, and I have to let her.

[926] What?

[927] Well, we get to choose, though.

[928] We have veto power.

[929] That's what he said.

[930] We got veto power.

[931] Like, I go, so some dude, you feel like you can't follow him?

[932] Oh, yeah.

[933] No, no, no, no big young studs.

[934] Like, he gets to choose.

[935] Like, he wants, like, old, bald, fucking, you know, vacuum salesman banging his wife and keeping his wife's mouth.

[936] How it's so bad.

[937] I'm like, do you watch?

[938] He goes, no, I don't want to watch.

[939] You don't want to watch.

[940] You don't want to watch.

[941] Your wife is getting fucking stuffed in another room.

[942] How crazy is that bitch?

[943] You know, how crazy is she?

[944] You know, whenever I hear about chicks that want to fuck like a bunch of different dudes at the same time, like that is, there's something.

[945] I mean, look, we're all wired differently.

[946] And, you know, I like hot sauce.

[947] You like hot sauce?

[948] You like spicy food?

[949] I like fucking really spicy food.

[950] I like fucking really spicy.

[951] food.

[952] Like, I'll fuck myself up.

[953] I'll put, like, Dave's insanity sauce on burritos and I'm sweating.

[954] Sweat is pouring on my face.

[955] My tongue is on fire.

[956] Now, to most people, they wouldn't like that, but I like that for some weird reason.

[957] Maybe some girls just like Bixin everywhere.

[958] You know, maybe they like it.

[959] Maybe it's just like, they're just going crazy.

[960] Maybe it's not.

[961] But maybe they're broken, you know?

[962] Yeah.

[963] It depends on the person.

[964] Some of them are for sure fucked up.

[965] There was this girl on the Howard Stern show today that got fucked so hard in the ass that it tore a hole in her intestines.

[966] Oh!

[967] No!

[968] And she sewed it back up.

[969] Oh, no. She was talking about how she's just the other day had two dicks in her ass.

[970] I'm like, wouldn't you, once your intestines rip open?

[971] Oh, my God.

[972] Who is this girl?

[973] She's in the new Jersey Shore porn.

[974] Jersey whore or something like that.

[975] Somebody knows, you guys know.

[976] She was on the Twitter.

[977] There's a bunch of you fucking perverts, God damn it.

[978] You people know who it is.

[979] I forget her name, Teresa.

[980] or something like that.

[981] Whoever was listening to the Stern Show today and heard that.

[982] Yeah, Mr. Hands.

[983] That sounds just like Mr. Hans.

[984] But a regular dick doing that to you is, that's even more impressive.

[985] The horse dick, you look at it and you go, how does it not kill you?

[986] Yeah.

[987] The most amazing thing about that Mr. Hans thing, if you don't know what Mr. Hans is, it's a guy who got fucked to death by a horse, and there's a video of it online.

[988] You can watch the guy getting fucked by the horse.

[989] But the amazing thing is...

[990] Terran Thomas.

[991] They did it.

[992] Terran Thomas.

[993] Beautiful.

[994] Thank you very much.

[995] hubris you fucking pervert but um the amazing thing about the horse fucking video is that apparently this guy had gotten fucked by a horse a bunch of times and nothing happened like he was okay like how does that even happen mr hands is your 9 -11 because you talk about that shit every day is there is there a point where you're like man I do talk about fucking horse fucking a lot more than I don't no because it's a bit of my act now I know but now it's like part of my job you remember the shit, the ba -face I used to go behind you and always make the faces all the time.

[996] Well, I found myself doing it on normal faces.

[997] So, like, it would be my mom.

[998] It's like, hey, mammas take a photo.

[999] And I'm like, oh, I'm doing this all the time now.

[1000] I have to stop.

[1001] So that's why I stopped in the ball face because it was like something that was like in my head.

[1002] If you don't know what the bar face is, and this is a thing that went on for literally like five years.

[1003] Every time I took a picture with someone, like, you know, someone came to a show and they wanted to take a picture with me. Every time, Brian was behind them like this.

[1004] And there's, we have to organize them and put them online.

[1005] It's on my space, but a lot of them are.

[1006] There's so many of them.

[1007] We're talking about no bullshit, five years worth of shows.

[1008] Thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of pictures, all with Brian behind it, making crazy fucking faces.

[1009] I have a picture of me and David Lee Roth, and you're behind it.

[1010] I think the last one I did, or the one that made me realize I needed to stop doing it was the one I did to Brock Lesner, and I was so drunk.

[1011] And the next day I'm like, I did not do it with Brock Lesnar.

[1012] How about the one you did with Dane Cook, man?

[1013] Oh, yeah, and I did Dane Cook.

[1014] That's funny.

[1015] But, no, the Brock Lesnar one, like, I was like, I need to stop.

[1016] He could easily kick my ass right then.

[1017] Oh, my God, I don't have that picture.

[1018] You've got to send that to me. I'm going to put this up on Twitter right now.

[1019] Holy shit, that's awesome.

[1020] Sent to Flickr.

[1021] I'm going to do it right now because...

[1022] Wow, I've never seen that photo before.

[1023] Yeah, I'll put that shit up on...

[1024] Put it on Flickr?

[1025] Okay.

[1026] I do whatever.

[1027] I can't believe a bafface David Lee Roth.

[1028] Yeah, he did, dude.

[1029] Dude, I can't wait to Well, no, I shouldn't say this But I can't wait to one day where David Lee Rock won't Be around, maybe So we can release that video Or he won't be a...

[1030] We have this video of us all hanging out with David Lee Rock Dude, don't even talk about that No, no, I don't even say it.

[1031] I mean, I mean, like, he doesn't care Don't even say about it right now Because he told us not to talk about it Oh, all right I mean, he doesn't want that video coming out So the last thing we should do is talk about what's on that video No, no, I was just going to say we all sat around and talked.

[1032] But how I love to...

[1033] Bullshit, man. You were saying you can't wait until he dies so you can release it.

[1034] No, no, no, no. Just so we can, like, show it to people.

[1035] Because it was so awesome.

[1036] It was awesome, yeah, right?

[1037] Yes.

[1038] It was just cool talking to him.

[1039] Right.

[1040] It was basically just David Lee Roth talking about crazy road stories.

[1041] I mean, it was nothing scandalous.

[1042] No. It was just, uh, me, it's fucking David Lee Roth, you know?

[1043] It's just weird hanging out with somebody that you grew up as a kid listening to buying his albums at Gold Circle and...

[1044] yeah it's amazing hanging out with David Lee Roth was the shit hold on I'm gonna choose the photo I'm gonna put that shit online so you got some shit but this this picture of Brian going nutty behind David Lee Roth is just indicative of one of fucking you probably have you somebody have some