#1118 - Theo Von

[0] Here we go, baby.

[1] Five, four, three, two, one.

[2] Boom.

[3] And there can be only one, Theo, Vaughn.

[4] Well, as far as we know, far as I know.

[5] In the universe, though, do you know what they think?

[6] What?

[7] Do you know the concept of infinity, apparently, as explained to me, but people are far smarter than us, is that the universe is so big that not only is their intelligent life out there for sure, but there's humans out there for sure.

[8] And infinity is so big that that means somewhere in the universe, there is another Theo Vaughn that has done exactly the same things that you've done, said exactly the same things that you've said, been in the same conversations that you've been in, down to that pause, down to the millisecond, an infinite number of times.

[9] And you believe it?

[10] Yes.

[11] Not just one, not just one time, but an unending number of times, because that's how big infinity is.

[12] You're not buying it?

[13] I'll bet infinity smaller than that.

[14] If I had a bet, yeah, I just don't think that that could, for me, that couldn't, for me, if I knew that that was true, that would just break my heart, I feel like, because then you would feel like everything you're doing feels pointless, you know?

[15] But isn't it anyway?

[16] Just what you know about the universe.

[17] Let's just say the universe was limited to the size of this galaxy.

[18] Okay.

[19] Right?

[20] Which it really could be.

[21] Could be.

[22] I mean, you and I, let's be honest, we're kind of dumb.

[23] Right.

[24] Right.

[25] Oh, yeah.

[26] I'm just guessing.

[27] Guessing.

[28] Totally guess.

[29] I mean, I'll say some big words every now and then, but the reality is I learn those big words from people that actually understand them and I'm just repeating the noises that they say.

[30] Right?

[31] So, oh, broken things you're so fucking smart.

[32] I'm the last person that thinks I'm smart.

[33] Trust me. Yeah, we're all mimics, Yeah, exactly.

[34] So if you look at, I think they think there are hundreds of billions of stars in this guy.

[35] just that alone is too big it's too big it's too big for you to wrap your head around it's too big when you think about like how big that is like there's no way you really think about it you just you just kind of like oh yeah yeah big now now think of infinite so hundreds of billions of those and then they think it's possible that inside each galaxy they know that the center of each galaxy has a super massive black hole in it and they think that inside that super massive black hole might be a whole another universe filled with galaxies each of them that have supermassive black holes in the center you go through one of those another universe infinite universes so infinite infinities so the universe is infinite and there's infinite numbers of universes so somewhere out there's another Theo von same haircut same jokes same style really yep same back problem killing it dude that's scary i feel like if that's true that makes the jog i took this one and seem so much shorter if the world if the universe is that much bigger i don't think it could be that big look at this what did you show me here jamie what is that what simulation on the inside of a black hole that's i movie bro that could be anything do that shit again well this is just this is just animation so the idea is you go through the black hole and you wake up again a baby in louisiana man come on man your mama's cuddling you oh you such a sweet thing you know Birds are chirping, but they're chirping 200 trillion light years away.

[36] Wow.

[37] Yeah.

[38] You believe it.

[39] Believe is a weird word.

[40] Do you feel it?

[41] It's too big.

[42] I don't even feel sun.

[43] The sun, I go outside and I go, oh, yeah, it's warm.

[44] But I don't feel that there's a thing that's a million times bigger than Earth that's floating in the sky.

[45] No. I don't feel that.

[46] To me, the hard part for me is when they say that the universe keeps expanding, you know?

[47] Yeah, it sounds like something a child would say That part sounds fiction to me Like it just keeps growing and growing and growing and growing You're like what?

[48] It sounds like something like my four -year -old nephew would say If he won't go to sleep at night, you know Well, the real one is the birth of the universe That's the real one like the big bang So before the big bang the universe was smaller than the head of a pin The whole thing Right And then for some reason, boom They don't know why But in one instant The universe is created I mean, I've seen far -fetched.

[49] But that's what the scientists believe.

[50] Forget about what religious people believe or cult leaders believe or schizophrenics.

[51] Yeah.

[52] The legit of legit.

[53] The Sean Carrolls of the world, the Neil deGrasse Tyson's of the world, the real scientists that can hit you with the real words and they actually understand them?

[54] The smartest people.

[55] The real smart people.

[56] They actually think that.

[57] Hmm.

[58] What do you think?

[59] I think the jury's out you know that's what I think man I think I'm still kind of feeling it out you know I think that I think I could easily get sucked in if I'm not careful to just believe in I just wonder if some of their stuff is right you know like what if the building blocks that we started with aren't really correct you know and sometimes I feel like they some of the science for me it takes too much of the hope out of it like I guess I want to romanticize the universe a little bit and I want it to be a little more fantastical.

[60] Like maybe we get out there, you know, in the sequel to that video and there's a couple, you know, angels out there or a band or something or like, you know, some sort of, something more exciting than just is that exciting or is that just more human, like angels in a band?

[61] Right.

[62] That's like human.

[63] That would actually be boring.

[64] Yeah, maybe it's just, man, maybe I'm afraid to go into that other world, you know?

[65] into that other realm like if somebody was like go in there and they were trying to push me in there i would say i'm not going in there have you ever been in a place where you're in uh you're outside at night there's no clouds and there's no light pollution and you could see the milky way yeah there was Tucson it's great right yeah it's a weird feeling yeah see all those stars and you're like is this up here all the time yeah that's how i feel I feel like is this out here all the time and what have I been doing yeah I think we're fucking ourselves up with cities.

[66] I've been saying that forever.

[67] I think all that light from cities blocking out all those stars, I think it confuses us.

[68] Yeah.

[69] We don't realize what we're in.

[70] We are in this crazy space ride.

[71] Oh, I think people forget about that a lot of times.

[72] I mean, we definitely get caught up in the minutia.

[73] I mean, but what's out there in the world and the universe?

[74] I mean, I think if something were out there, it would have stopped by by now.

[75] I don't know about that It's been a lot of time It's a lot of space A lot of space it has to go through I think that things get so smart That they don't do that anymore This is what I think I think that this whole idea About space travel I don't think they do that after a while I think they get so fucking smart They become symbiotic with machines And I think artificial life And artificial intelligence They create their own reality And literally create their own universes I don't think they bother traveling Oh they're just thinking it up And then there it is I think they make things You know, I think This is just the thought But I think what's going to happen with us I mean, we take little trips We send a rover to Mars and shit Yeah You know, we send probes into space Florida anywhere You know, I mean you go local Anything is a, you know, can be a big adventure But yeah, we go out to the moon We went to the moon a couple times supposedly, you know Right, but what we don't do What you know what we're doing With these little tiny trips It's like all fairly close It's all inside of our solar system right Yeah What we're saying is that someone is going way, way, way further than that.

[76] So they would have to be way more advanced than that.

[77] What I look at us, and I look at artificial life and artificial intelligence and how close we are to creating something that's smarter than us, within the next hundred years, we're going to have some form of artificial life that's probably way smarter than us, and it's going to create even better versions of artificial life.

[78] It's going to improve upon the design, and then there's going to be things that they can do in terms of like recreating reality in your own mind like sit you and I sitting across from each other we're experiencing this table we're experiencing looking at each other we're friends we have a history together we talk a lot so this we we're used to be in each other's presence there's all these feelings and thinking and thoughts going on I think they're going to be able to recreate that I think they're going to be able recreate that in a way that's indistinguishable from this moment that we're experiencing right now.

[79] So then, I mean, are humans just going to become obsolete then?

[80] Yeah, I think so.

[81] Okay, well, dang it.

[82] Dang it.

[83] Don't you think we are?

[84] I mean, if you go back, right?

[85] Go back to single -celled organisms.

[86] Yeah?

[87] Like an amoeba or something?

[88] The first time single -celled orgasms became multi -celled organisms.

[89] Just a booger in the world.

[90] How many of them were hanging back and go, man, fuck that.

[91] I'm going to live in the woods.

[92] I'm going to stay single -cell.

[93] Single -cell is a way to go.

[94] This multi -celled stuff is bullshit.

[95] I don't need to see.

[96] things, man. Fuck you.

[97] I don't need a phone, motherfucker.

[98] I'm a single -celled organism.

[99] Just chilling at the bottom of the ocean.

[100] You know?

[101] Things don't have to get in you better.

[102] I'm like them right like this.

[103] I'm not going to get a job.

[104] I'm going to be a hit man. So if you looked at single -celled organism, they eventually became Theo Vaughn, right?

[105] That's a complicated leap from single -celled organisms from billions of years ago to Theo Vaughn.

[106] Holy shit, is that a leap?

[107] To a human.

[108] That's a big leap.

[109] So you're saying it would be crazy for us if we didn't continue to move forward.

[110] We're going to.

[111] That's a good point.

[112] It's going to happen.

[113] Everything does.

[114] We're going to improve upon this.

[115] I mean, we're different now.

[116] People are bigger and stronger and faster than they were just 100 years ago because of nutrition.

[117] You know, and those genes, that the genes of people who exercise and are healthy, they're better than the genes of people that don't.

[118] Like, you literally can transfer some of those traits and some of that potential into children.

[119] Rhonda Patrick had something.

[120] She tweeted about that a couple of days ago, I believe.

[121] Oh, there's some mud rats out there that have no genes almost, I feel like.

[122] Like mud rat humans?

[123] Yeah, just people that are just smoking their own dicks out there who have no real, like, you know what I'm saying?

[124] Like, I've met some people who, yeah, they're breathing, but that's it, really.

[125] Yeah, this idea that we're all created equals, you never met anybody that's a genius, if you say that.

[126] I've met some people that I'm like, I talk to them.

[127] I go, oh, I'm like a monkey compared to you.

[128] dude i talk to your buddy eddie bravo and that guy is a real he's out there he's like a jack he's like a deaf like a deaf jack russell almost you know a deaf jack russell yeah because once he gets going you can't oh jack russell terrier yeah you ever been around one of those dogs you open the car and then the next you know they're at the yeah they're like sick yeah but how's he deaf because you can't get him back like once he goes you can't you can't get him back in the car like you're sitting there honking the horn you can't that guy's out there you know what I'm talking about I do know what he's talking about but I've never heard anybody make a description like that a deaf Jack Russell Terrier that is hilarious he's extravagant dude yeah that means extravagant he's so motivated he loves conspiracies more than anybody I've ever met in my life and he thinks everything is a conspiracy yeah no no he definitely yeah but then he gets into it like I don't know it was fascinating to me how he went from just like one genre of life to the next and created a business in each one and kept moving forward.

[129] A business?

[130] Yeah, he got like he was a music.

[131] He liked music.

[132] He started a band.

[133] You know, he liked karate.

[134] He started doing, you know, organized karate.

[135] He liked, you know, what else did he?

[136] A couple of other businesses, I think.

[137] He got into a couple of other things.

[138] I don't know what the other two were.

[139] He lost me at Chapter 70, but.

[140] He'll hate you with too much information, man. It was crazy.

[141] You have a lot of people to Google.

[142] I was like, I want to climb through a black hole right now.

[143] I'm looking at your Casey documentaries and shit.

[144] Like, wait a minute, is this guy legit?

[145] Dude, the other night, 2 a .m. He sends me a couple of links, bro.

[146] You can't do that.

[147] You got to shut your phone off and you're friends with Eddie.

[148] When those 1 a .m. phone calls coming, you do not respond because you will get a wall of text explaining which YouTube video has the right information, which one is set up by the CIA.

[149] Yeah.

[150] It used to be, like, stopping at a rest area on the interstate, that was like the old Eddie Bravo.

[151] Like, you'd stop there, and next thing you'd hear the craziest shit in the world.

[152] Yeah, right.

[153] Coast to coast with Art Bell would be playing in the background.

[154] No. No, he loves all of it.

[155] He loves it.

[156] But he gets out, he goes in phases.

[157] Like, he gets out of him for a while.

[158] Like, he was really into chem trails for a while.

[159] But, man, I know he probably won't admit it, but it's pretty obvious.

[160] Chemtrails are bullshit.

[161] Pretty fucking obvious.

[162] Yeah, it's just writing, because they can write birthday.

[163] They can write Happy Birthday Ronda or something, and that's not, that just seems like it's somebody's birthday.

[164] I think when they do that, they're doing that, like, on purpose.

[165] but the chemtrail thing is just it's just nonsense there's there is some evidence that they have experimented with spraying stuff in the sky and they definitely seed clouds in certain parts of the world and certain parts of the country you know they can make it rain like uh in it's it's Abu Dhabi right where they make it rain once a week once a week it's they live in the desert they send jets up there yeah yeah they send jets and I think they use something silver iodine or something like that is that what it is That'd be awesome.

[166] They spray into the clouds and somehow or another it makes it rain.

[167] You know, when Eddie came, when I was talking with Eddie, one thing I was thinking about was, do you think that there are aliens?

[168] Oh, do you think that robots will get so advanced that they will, like, become aware?

[169] And what does he say?

[170] Oh, I don't know what he said.

[171] I guess I'm asking you.

[172] Because he went off on something else and he didn't really answer it.

[173] He doesn't get too much in artificial intelligence.

[174] He's more into like the FBI trying to fuck us over.

[175] Yeah, well, he told me in the bathroom after we talked.

[176] No joke.

[177] He said he had to be a little bit quiet because he thinks that some people could be looking for him.

[178] Oh, that's so crazy.

[179] And it was crazy that he said that all hush huss by the urinals.

[180] Dude, he thought that the government got to me. Really?

[181] Because I wasn't into chemtrails.

[182] Camp trails would did it.

[183] He's like, there's got to be a reason here.

[184] Did they do anything to you?

[185] No. No. You swear?

[186] I swear.

[187] No one's talked to me about anything, ever.

[188] No one said, hey, man, lay off the big foot.

[189] Lay off that big foot talk.

[190] What do you say?

[191] I'm just saying, if you want to know.

[192] What is this?

[193] What are you showing me, Jamie?

[194] This is the article about the cloud seating in Abu Dhabi.

[195] Oh, they use high, wow, hygroscopic salt to level up the amount of moisture to generate more rain.

[196] I could see him doing that Dr. Habib adding that the best season for seeding is between June and August Huh Hmm So something I mean there's There's other ways Salt up into the Yeah see you Yeah they spray shit And it makes it rain I find that the moon Say we went to the moon The moon seemed like something Delta could get to If you really think about it Like you know what I'm saying Delta Airlines?

[197] Yeah like if they Not Southwest all right I mean They seem a little shaky Yeah it seemed a little bit shaky on there Some of the people are in there wearing shorts you know what I'm saying when you get on I don't trust anybody in shorts especially at church right but um I'll say this when you like it's crazy we've been flying across America for you know 40 50 years now right like yeah even more maybe you know and it seems like it's we could figure out how to get into space it's harder than that for sure first of all it's 262 thousand miles you know the earth is 24000 miles around so a full trip from right here so you start in calabasas okay and you do a full trip all the way around the planet and landing calabasas that's 24 ,000 miles okay so it's like 12 times that or something 30 yeah something like that well we could do that who's we who's we what's this we shit way man it's hard man and not only that there's no air it's one six or it's Gravity is you're dealing with all sorts of problems in terms of solar flares and radiation.

[198] We're protected by the magnetosphere.

[199] We're protected by the radiation belts and, you know, all of the atmosphere of the earth.

[200] When you go through that and you go out in the space, you're not protected by shit.

[201] But we couldn't, I think we could fight that, man. Well, it can be done.

[202] The problem was with biological life.

[203] See, one of the things that made it so interesting about the moon hoax theory, particularly for me, So they never sent anything alive into space and had it come back alive, ever.

[204] They never even sent a chicken into space and had it come back alive.

[205] It all dies?

[206] No, they just do it with people.

[207] They've only done it with people.

[208] They've never made something.

[209] They never, like, shot a monkey in a space and then brought it back alive.

[210] So that's why you think it could be fictional?

[211] No, it's only one reason why it was enticing to me. One of the big reasons was the Fox documentary.

[212] There was a Fox documentary that aired on TV.

[213] I think it was in the 90s.

[214] It was called conspiracy theory, did we go to the moon?

[215] And it showed that they used the same backdrop for different moon missions that were supposedly, like, really far apart from each other.

[216] But the backdrop synced up.

[217] There was all sorts of images that showed different shadows that were moving at different angles that would indicate different light sources that was more than one life source instead of just the sun.

[218] There's a lot of these things that make it intriguing.

[219] The problem with that stuff is that I don't know jack shit about aerospace engineering.

[220] I don't know anything about it.

[221] I have zero, zero education in physics.

[222] Yeah, I don't know how a Kodak works in space.

[223] I don't know how any of that.

[224] That's also part of the problem is the images.

[225] The images, a lot of people are like, how are the images so perfectly squared?

[226] There's no errors.

[227] There's some of the images where things are in the shadows.

[228] They're lit up, like there's backfill being used.

[229] But that still doesn't mean they didn't go.

[230] they definitely faked some images.

[231] This is a fact.

[232] They know this because there's Gemini 15.

[233] There's a Michael Collins photo that was absolutely a photo that they used of him in a training mission where you could see the harnesses and all that jazz.

[234] And then they blacked it out and they used it as a publicity photo saying that he's on a spacewalk.

[235] But that could have been an overzealous publicist.

[236] You got to look at everything like really objectively.

[237] Yeah.

[238] Because you wanted, I wanted the moon landing to be fake.

[239] It seemed fun to me. You wanted it to be.

[240] Yeah, there's so many things.

[241] The, what is it, the prime minister of Holland?

[242] Who is it of Holland?

[243] And I met Buzz Alderman.

[244] They met, they gave this guy a piece of moon rock, and it turned out to be a piece of petrified wood.

[245] But it was signed, you know, a plaque.

[246] It was delivered by, you know, Michael Collins and Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong.

[247] And they're like, this is a piece of moon rock for, you know, we're giving this to Holland.

[248] This is amazing.

[249] You're like, wow, you're giving us a piece of the moon.

[250] That's so cool.

[251] and then they wound up finally testing it it's a piece of petrified wood it wasn't for the moon it was fake it's fake yeah and why did the dutch want it's a bunch of things like that well it's a gift to a country oh i see the dutch are wild man but that also could have been you gotta deal with the you're talking about the 1960s richard nixon was the president he was an asshole you know he's like probably fuck them not giving them a moonrock give one of those petrified this would be hilarious take a piece of petrified wood we got four kilograms of moon rocks we didn't give it shit to the dutch you know dude the dutch i mean that shit they don't yeah i mean actually who gives a fuck you know like you know respect to the dutch but some of the greatest cakeboxes of all time really that one spot yeah well they're aerodynamic too you ever seen a dutch person they're big well and also they're extremely if you look at their faces they're extremely aerodynamic seeing that they travel through space better is that what you're saying I think if you taped like one of the front of a plane it wouldn't you know wouldn't be that hard on them good to have good symmetry that what you're saying oh they're yeah you look at the Dutch, their head's tall.

[252] Right?

[253] It's like, um...

[254] Good jeans.

[255] They're probably Vikings, right?

[256] That's probably some Viking jeans.

[257] What would be aired?

[258] They're all big.

[259] They're really big people.

[260] And they got tall cranium space.

[261] They have a lot of room in their head for, um...

[262] Ideas?

[263] Plus, they were one of the first people to say, who gives a shit about weed?

[264] Yeah.

[265] Everybody used to go to Amsterdam to get high.

[266] Well, the problem with Amsterdam is there's those trains, there's people on bikes.

[267] It's like the worst place to walk around high because there's so many forms of transportation going on.

[268] You're like, there's fucking people traveling by crow.

[269] Like, you're like, damn, dude, like, I tripped out there, man. Right, there's like boats.

[270] Oh, yeah, there's way too a heady, bro.

[271] It's a lot of boats.

[272] People get on boats and shit.

[273] Dude, I showed up there one time and they had a gay pride weekend, you know, and I didn't know it.

[274] And they had, like, a lot of homoerotic, like, boat floats going by, like, just single men just dancing on boats, you know.

[275] I was like, I didn't know.

[276] I thought that was just, these people were like, hell of Dutch.

[277] gay people know how to do it Oh yeah they party man There's no one holding them back There's no yang or no yin Whichever one it is They're all yang Yeah it's just people yanging each other's Just yanging it up Just fucking yanging each other out That's happening in space In space somewhere There's gay people that can get pregnant They get each other pregnant And they're gay Because how?

[278] Because they're different Guaranteed Oh you think that?

[279] Oh yeah 100 % There's gay pride Whoa Jamie just pulled That's what it was, bro.

[280] And I thought, holy shit.

[281] I got one -tenth and one -percent gayer just from looking at that.

[282] Yeah, this is as aerodynamic as it can get, boy.

[283] And no one has a shirt on.

[284] Uh -uh.

[285] There's a couple guys with life preservers.

[286] No one has a fucking shirt on.

[287] Look how gay this is.

[288] This is hilarious.

[289] They're all buffing shit.

[290] There's one girl with her hand on her forehead in the front of the boat going, what in the fuck?

[291] I can't get no dick.

[292] She's like, her friend tells me, you've got to get down here.

[293] There's a thousand men with no shirt on, and they're all.

[294] hot.

[295] Oh my God.

[296] I'm there.

[297] I'm there.

[298] I'm gonna get us a ride on the boat.

[299] An hour into the boat.

[300] She's got her hand there and I had.

[301] Fuck me. Yeah.

[302] They're all gay.

[303] And that guy had a slip this too on the right if you can see that.

[304] You think so?

[305] Yeah, one of his hips is a little higher.

[306] I have that.

[307] I have that.

[308] Displasia.

[309] And it's popular in people that have that and also Australian.

[310] Do you think he's just like standing on something?

[311] That could be like just a stop image of a guy who's moving fine.

[312] It seems like he feels self -conscious about his legs.

[313] He has on pants.

[314] It's obviously hot out there.

[315] You don't think so?

[316] Maybe, right?

[317] Like you can't squat anymore.

[318] Oh, yeah.

[319] Dude, I'm in that bad back club, man. It's hard.

[320] What happened?

[321] I just had a just, I think God just put like a weak spine in me. And so when I was like 27, I was paint, I was painting a wall and I leaned for like maybe 40 minutes leaning out with a paint thing.

[322] And when I leaned back in, my back wasn't right anymore.

[323] That was it.

[324] And it's been bad ever since.

[325] Really?

[326] Yeah.

[327] I'd have part of my vertebrae.

[328] Somebody, this man's.

[329] took it out at Cedar Sinai a man he took it out yeah what did you do it did you know him first you know I met him through insurance but he got it and they and I've I've been it's been hit or miss since then what's he doing with it oh I don't know I can't afford to go back and see him again it's 7500 bucks you can go talk to him really just to talk to him it's like I got wheezzled that's a scam that's a scam you want to talk to me you sit on that side of desk and give me $7 ,500 your time starts now Yeah, I've got to take a piece of your back now.

[330] That's it.

[331] Okay, next person.

[332] Is it like a disc or a piece of the actual bone?

[333] Like, what was it?

[334] It's a disc.

[335] They got photos of it.

[336] I don't know if they're real, you know?

[337] That's the crazy part.

[338] Might be fake like the moon landing.

[339] Well, here's the dude.

[340] Here's the crazy.

[341] Put you under it.

[342] And said, yeah, we fixed it, bro.

[343] Give me that money.

[344] Oh, 100%.

[345] And then in my head, you know, because I'm probably about 60 % gullible.

[346] 60?

[347] Yeah, I think so.

[348] The more I've looked back at my life and kind of charted out when I've been gullible.

[349] And when I haven't.

[350] What's the biggest one?

[351] You look back and go, how the fuck did I believe that?

[352] I would say probably, you know, overall religion, probably when I looked back.

[353] Were you super religious when you were a kid?

[354] I wasn't super religious, but I, you know, I just wanted it all, like everything like in the bio, you know, I just.

[355] Wanted it to be real.

[356] Yeah, I guess I wanted it to be real.

[357] It just made it hard, it made it tough for some other things, you know?

[358] You're like, first it was like, fuck, I got to remember all this shit.

[359] Like, I can't remember.

[360] I'm not going to be able to be accepted by God or something because I can't even remember what's in this book, you know?

[361] Like, I'm going to need to hire a tutor just to be, go to heaven, you know, like, because the Bible is, bro, it's not the best book.

[362] Well, it was really good when it was written.

[363] Yeah.

[364] But it's like, try to watch a movie from the 1930s.

[365] You'd be like, look at this corny fucking acting.

[366] Yeah.

[367] Right?

[368] Yeah, yeah.

[369] You know what I mean?

[370] I mean, there's nine chapters about livestock.

[371] Like, it gets, it gets hell of risk A in the middle.

[372] I haven't really read the whole thing cover to cover, and I haven't read any of it in a long time.

[373] Yeah.

[374] I read it when I was in, when I was in, I guess I was, I was living in Florida, so I was 11.

[375] Oh, that's a good time to read it.

[376] And they handed them out in school, and I remember my parents being a little disturbed by it.

[377] Because I'd gone from Catholic school in the first grade, my mom split up with my dad, My mom shacked up with my stepdad It was a hippie She kind of became a bit of a hippie too And we fell way out of religion So the Catholic church and all that stuff Was a thing in the past?

[378] Was that pretty cool?

[379] The hippie stepdad?

[380] Yeah, he's a good guy Very nice guy It was weird You know, he had long hair and shit Like long hair Like down to the middle of his back And so like That's crazy Would you ever like see him from behind I think it was like a woman Or something from far away?

[381] No, because he was muscular You know he looked like a man Yeah Yeah.

[382] But he's a man with long hair.

[383] Yeah.

[384] But, you know, when I was in high school, well, not high school, I guess it was in grade school.

[385] So what is 11?

[386] What grade is that?

[387] Depends on how smart you are, really.

[388] Fifth grade?

[389] Yeah, depends on how smart you are.

[390] You know how I was reading?

[391] This is how great.

[392] Ronan Farrow, you know, Woody Allen and...

[393] The guy wrote that article?

[394] Yeah, yeah.

[395] He's not really Woody Allen's kid, by the way.

[396] Look at that kid.

[397] Look at Frank Sinatra.

[398] Holl at your boy.

[399] Same.

[400] Hall up at your boy!

[401] That kid is Frank Sinatra's kid.

[402] 1 ,0001 million percent.

[403] Because me and Farrow used to bang Frank Sinatra.

[404] Oh, really?

[405] And they had a freak.

[406] Look, I know.

[407] Look, come on.

[408] Get the fuck out of here.

[409] Look at the two of them.

[410] First of all, handsome man. That Ronan Farrow.

[411] Handsome man. Yeah.

[412] That is, God damn it.

[413] That is Frank fucking Sinatra's kid.

[414] 1 billion trillion percent.

[415] You better stay the fuck away from 23 and me because they'll out you.

[416] Look at that.

[417] Yeah, look at that one, bro.

[418] 23 and me will just send back the song New York, New York, I think.

[419] When he was 11, this is how smart this guy is.

[420] When he was 11, he was taking college courses.

[421] Oh, my God.

[422] 11.

[423] Nerd alert.

[424] That's what I read.

[425] Make sure that's true.

[426] I don't want to write an article about me. It's a bit of bad information.

[427] But so they had a freak relationship anyway.

[428] when they were together that was their only biological kid and it's not really their biological kid why not because it's fucking Frank Sinatra's kid oh they lied started college at age 11 wow he says he fell apart while pursuing the Harvey Weinstein story whoa what do you mean he fell apart probably because it was so dark oh I see what you're saying come on man do you remember before that story came out everybody knew that guy was a creep right but it was like this thing about like Mordor you know like he lives You know, lived in Sauron, lives under the rock somewhere.

[429] Everybody knew he was a creep.

[430] Everybody had heard stories.

[431] But this guy, he graduated at 15 from college?

[432] Oh, my God.

[433] Why does he keep saying the son of Mia Farrow and Woody Allen?

[434] It should say wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

[435] But that's crazy.

[436] They're trying to push that so much, you know, the son of Mia Farrow and Woody Allen.

[437] Well, he was raised by him for a little while until Woody started banging his sister.

[438] my god yeah that's a freak household and then um there's a dark arts out here Hollywood's got the darkest arts bro they lived in New York well even New York Hollywood because some of it's the same thing New York Hollywood Hollywood is just show business yeah show business that's what I mean well there's definitely something to that because how about that composer that turned out to be even more of a fucking asshole than Harvey Weinstein there's this one composer that was just fucking all these young boys and if you didn't fuck him and they just they recently got rid of him but he was just running things through sex and you know he just basically had a sex cult going on find out who the fuck that guy was but he was a cherished famous loved composer and it turned out this this dude was just running the freak show behind the scenes just not just being dirty but that was the way to get in and if this guy shut you down you were shut down forever you weren't working anymore so he was like the he was like the gatekeeper kind he was like Harvey Weinstein And Harvey Weinstein, like what Harvey Weinstein was doing to those actresses is he would try to fuck him, they'd get mad at him, and he would blackball him.

[439] He would say, you're not working anymore.

[440] You're too difficult to work with.

[441] And then he would shut their careers down.

[442] All these different women found out, like when their careers fell apart, they found out that what was going on.

[443] There he is.

[444] What happened?

[445] What happened?

[446] See, that's dirty, man. Oh, him, huh?

[447] Yeah, from the Met.

[448] James Levine.

[449] Sexual abuse claims.

[450] Yeah.

[451] Well, this.

[452] This is from December of 2017, but that has been, it's been, there's recent stuff.

[453] Pull up sexual abuse James Levine because the more recent stuff is like much more confirmed, like a bunch of people came out.

[454] We had a dude in our neighborhood named Mr. Langenstein, he used to invite us over to chill out and shit, but we didn't know he was that he was a pedophile, but.

[455] You didn't know?

[456] How'd you find out?

[457] He ended up going to jail for it So you're hanging out with him for a while And you didn't know?

[458] Yeah, we met him at school We thought he was just this cool old dude Who liked to smoke pot, right?

[459] With children Yeah And one time he bought us some stakes Because he would like, you know Treat us nice, you know And be, he would take us He took us to Marilyn Manson Me and my best friend He took us to Marilyn Manson We were like 15 We couldn't even get in It was 18 year old show And how old was he?

[460] He was probably 70 So, and he had like a red Convertible You know and that's everybody wants to be in a convertible and so we got in and we went and anyway he he got us some steaks one time and the steak come with baked potatoes side item so we had sour cream on the on the baked potatoes and my buddy was in and my buddy was in the kitchen and he said hey I'm out of sour cream can I have some of yours and I said no but you can have some of my sweet cream you know just making like a joke about semen right and then big langenstein the dude goes can i have some and that's when all the fucking wheels turned and you realized yeah oh no i'm just sitting there with a mouth full of potato like fuck i thought he was just a nice man and you were thinking that this this whole time it was just setting you up yeah and my buddy that was the biggest thing i was so concerned like i'd brought like four of my friends over there and i was like what has been going on I had a similar situation.

[461] A guy named Walter.

[462] Yeah.

[463] We used to go fishing, and he would run around the pond.

[464] And he was...

[465] He'd mentally handicapped?

[466] No, no, he was a teacher, and he got fired.

[467] You know, he was trying to explain to us that he had unconventional teaching methods and that they didn't understand his teaching methods and that they fired him.

[468] Oh, so then he's like the, he's like the...

[469] He was a very smart guy.

[470] Right, and to the kids, he probably seems like the cool guy because he's like unconventional.

[471] And he was always jogging.

[472] You know, he's always jogging around this park.

[473] Oh, yeah, that's a gay sport.

[474] He would sit by and hang out with us.

[475] So we'd be fishing.

[476] We'd be hanging out at the spot.

[477] And he'd come by, sit with us for a little bit, and then take off.

[478] So we became friends with this guy.

[479] Dude, I went over his house once.

[480] And I'll never forget.

[481] I ate at his house.

[482] It was just me and him, too.

[483] And he didn't do anything, but went to the bathroom.

[484] And I guess I was 13, somewhere around there.

[485] somewhere around 13 at the time that's a wild age it's a susceptible age yeah for sure and i uh i went to use the bathroom and i peed and i guess he was in the bathroom with me and afterwards he said something he goes he had this weird way of talking like this and he's like i didn't know you were so developed and i was like what and i was i was thinking about i'm like he's talking about my dick but he wasn't flirting with me it wasn't weird it just was like he was just talking about my a dick being developed, you know.

[486] Like a curator, like an art curator or something?

[487] No, it was just, it wasn't, it was weird, but it wasn't dangerous.

[488] But then it got dangerous.

[489] Because I'd been friends with this guy for months, right?

[490] For months, we had been going fishing, and he had been coming to this lake.

[491] There was two places.

[492] There was, there was, um, Jamaica Pond, which is, it was all, all this was in Jamaica plain.

[493] And so there was Jamaica Pond, was this one spot, and there was another pond that was nearby, that was a smaller place.

[494] That was more secluded, but it had, like, good pickerel fishing.

[495] Pickerel's like a small northern pike -looking creature.

[496] And so I was fishing there.

[497] Then pickerel.

[498] I can't stop coughing.

[499] So he shows up drunk.

[500] That's when he got really weird.

[501] And he told me he loved me. Like, how did he say it?

[502] Did he say it?

[503] Yeah, he said it.

[504] Like, he was behind me, like sitting down and I was fishing.

[505] Oh, my God, dude.

[506] This is making me feel nervous.

[507] He goes, you know, Joey, you know, I love you.

[508] and he was like probably in the 60s right and I go I like you too man I was like weirded out I didn't know what to do because he was drunk like definitely drunk goes yeah no there can be no love without sex cheaper that's what he said and I went what and I remember I had a Swiss army knife in my pocket and I put my hand on the Swiss army knife and I remember saying something like man you better leave me the fuck alone like something along those lines wow I didn't pull the knife out because I was 13 years old.

[509] He was a pretty big guy.

[510] I was like even if I pulled this knife out, am I really going to be able to stab him?

[511] You have stabbed him 70 or 80 times.

[512] Is this guy gonna beat me to death and fuck me?

[513] You know, what's gonna happen here?

[514] But he left me alone.

[515] He left me alone, but then he wrote a letter to my house.

[516] So he found out where I lived.

[517] Dang.

[518] Yeah.

[519] And he probably had to get drunk to come there and do that to be able to even say that to you.

[520] Yep, that's probably why I did it.

[521] Like he was probably trying to figure out a way to work his way up to molesting me. Trying to figure out how to do.

[522] So I think that's probably why he got fired from school.

[523] Yeah.

[524] Did you feel a little bit bad that he had...

[525] Did I let him on?

[526] No. I was cute.

[527] I was a little cutie when I was 13.

[528] I could be a handsome kid, but...

[529] Did you feel a little bit bad that he had kind of taken advantage of like, like, fuck, like now we can't kind of be friends.

[530] Like, you know, like, do you think any of that was...

[531] I did enjoy talking to him because he was telling me about things.

[532] Like, he knew a lot of things about life.

[533] He was definitely a very educated guy.

[534] So before the drunken weirdness and just the general weird, he just got more, the more comfortable he got with us, the more I realized that this guy was, he was attracted to children.

[535] Yeah.

[536] And he was trying to fight it off, I think, you know.

[537] I think a lot of people that are pedophiles are extremely embarrassed by it.

[538] Oh, it's a sickness, man. Yeah, yeah.

[539] I don't think it's something.

[540] anybody chooses to do unless they're you know trying to start like a track team or something like maybe in the philippines or something you know well i ran to my friend josh and i told him immediately because josh used to go fishing with me and we both knew that guy and i explained him the whole deal and he was like fuck so he was scared too he was like dude i'm gonna stab that fucking guy and josh went extra hard he went extra hard like all aggression yeah and anger because his parents were lesbians he had two parents were lesbians so he wanted I think he wanted me to know that he wasn't gay even though his mom was gay right I mean so he was like oh fuck that faggot you know that kind of shit like whoa down yeah this gay yeah this has to stop yeah yeah he was like like fucking shining a sword up in his garage that is not happening yeah I don't think he called him a faggot I think I made that up I literally barely remember because I was 13 I do remember him saying that though that there could be no love without sex because I remember like, what?

[541] That's crazy.

[542] What a gateway line, too, dude.

[543] If you're a pedophile, like, I'm glad I don't have that ailment, man. Because that's got to be so tough to be, you know, hanging around kids and also, like, you know, want to, like, you know, talk to them about dates or stuff.

[544] Well, it's the incurable one, too.

[545] There's no cure for that.

[546] Like, there's no, I mean, unless they can rewire your brain with ayahuasca and ibogaine.

[547] and electric shock therapy.

[548] I don't know.

[549] I mean, the recidivism rate is super high for people that are child molesters.

[550] What does that mean people that do it again?

[551] Man. Yeah, it's really high.

[552] When kids are...

[553] It's also something you can't even talk about.

[554] Like, say, imagine if you have, like, a mental illness that makes you prone to violent outbursts, but you got it under control, and you've never actually hurt anybody.

[555] You know, you never actually hurt anybody, but you understand that you have this problem, so you take medication, people go good for you you know i go to therapy i have anger management issues but i go to therapy people like oh that's cool man cool we keep it under wrap but if you say i want to fuck kids but i never have yeah no way no way dude everybody wants to put a bullet in your brain yep you can't work here you can't shop here i don't do it but i want to you're like what what you want to what you want to yeah yeah but i don't do it because i know it's wrong like not good enough yeah yeah that's not gonna fly not good enough because we all want to have kids and like our you know we all want to procreate and that really I think that that just yeah that's going to irk anybody that wants scares people yeah it's the scariest thing ever the thing that you could leave your kids out and someone could snatch them up and fuck them and kill them and they kill them a lot of times because they don't want the kids to tell I know it's a worst man and then yeah I can't imagine that dude I remember one time I never had anything like that happened about I took some mushrooms one time to a party in high school because I grew up in an area where you could just get mushroom.

[556] I mean, psychedelic mushrooms grew on everything.

[557] They grew on your fucking cousins back if he took a long enough nap, you know?

[558] Where'd you grow up?

[559] In Louisiana.

[560] They grew everywhere out there?

[561] Oh, they grew everywhere because everybody had something shitting in their yard and then it would rain every single day for about a half hour, right?

[562] Wow.

[563] So it was just, I mean, you see people picking them and eating them and families out there and join them in the afternoon.

[564] I mean, it was everybody was, oh, it was psychedelic.

[565] So we would ride out and go get him.

[566] I remember one time getting a trash bag We were probably about 35 pounds of mushrooms, right?

[567] So we picked all day And one time a golden retriever came running at us Across his field and we thought he was pissed Because we were tripping And then he got to us, we ran for like a half mile He got to us finally We're crawling away from thinking he's evil And he just fucking loved us and licked us A mean golden retriever Yeah, we fucking thought he was mean, bro Because the hair, his hair was kind of slick back Oh, like an evil.

[568] Evil golden retriever.

[569] Yeah, like in that movie, sometimes they come back.

[570] Have you ever seen that?

[571] That's the kind of like that kind of hair.

[572] That's not a pet cemetery.

[573] Which one sometimes they come back?

[574] You know, it's about men that show up back at a high school and they'd all died years earlier in a car accident and they show back up.

[575] It's like a Stephen King one.

[576] I think it was just made for TV.

[577] When did that one come out?

[578] Maybe 18 years ago.

[579] Has there ever been a dude who wrote more awesome horror movies and books than Stephen fucking King?

[580] No. No. Not that published them unless somebody just has them all at their house.

[581] Sometimes they come back.

[582] He mean, he's the king.

[583] Of those kind of movies, man?

[584] Yeah.

[585] Not even close.

[586] Tim, what's his name was in it?

[587] Tim Matheson, who I interviewed one time, really nice man. You did?

[588] What did you interview him for?

[589] He had a new movie coming out.

[590] I can't remember what it was called.

[591] But sweet man. I bet he got a lot of pus over the years, but he didn't talk about it.

[592] Because he's got that safe man look.

[593] Safe man look?

[594] I think a lot of ladies old, yeah, he's got that kind of sexy but also safe.

[595] That Matt Lauer look.

[596] Yeah.

[597] Yeah, maybe he's got that Matt Lauer.

[598] You think Matt Lauer's dirty?

[599] Well, he's definitely dirty.

[600] He got caught.

[601] He's got that cheap Michael Landon.

[602] He's got that cheap Michael Landon going right there.

[603] It looks like he could be a little bit of Native American.

[604] Looks like Ellen DeGeneres right there.

[605] Looks like a little bit of guys might have a little bit of lesbian.

[606] The smile.

[607] A little Ellen DeGeneres with the smile.

[608] There's the animal house picture above it.

[609] Oh man, how good was he in Animal House?

[610] So good.

[611] What a movie that was.

[612] I watched that again a few years back.

[613] I hadn't seen it forever.

[614] Fuck, that was a good movie.

[615] But there's some shit in that movie.

[616] You could never get away with today.

[617] Never.

[618] Never.

[619] There's the scene where the girls passed out and what whose character, was it John Balloo?

[620] No, was, whose character was thinking about fucking her while she was blacked out?

[621] You remember that scene?

[622] There's a scene in it.

[623] Yeah, the girl, she takes her gum off, she pulls her bra, who is that guy?

[624] Why do chicks always have gum in their mouth where they're about to fuck?

[625] You ever notice that?

[626] Oh, they don't want bad breath.

[627] Yeah.

[628] So there's the devil on his shoulder, and then the angels on his other shoulder.

[629] She blacks out with her titty's out, and the devil's like, fuck her, squeeze her tits, fuck her, fuck her brains out.

[630] And then the angels like, don't do it, don't do it.

[631] But the fact that this is in a movie, where they're essentially debating whether or not he should rape her.

[632] Now, she was willing to have sex with him just moments ago, but she's clearly unconscious and clearly not able to consent.

[633] I mean, she was blacked the fuck out.

[634] She was totally down for it, so he's holding on to cotton, which was inside of her bra.

[635] And she just blacked out and fell asleep, kabonk, and her titty's popped out.

[636] You would never have this scene in a movie today.

[637] People would be outraged.

[638] They would say the director, you are a Roman Polanski piece of shit.

[639] you're a fucking molester you're a monster you're an abuser yeah but do you think that still that still happens though well that kind of thing definitely happens for sure people do all murder murder still happens there was a school shooting today in Texas yeah I mean horrible things happen but the point is like that kind of scene in a movie in a comedy movie you could never do today but they say that art because so that makes me think like they say art imitates life but if it doesn't really imitate life anymore then it's just are we are we you know like what are we making well the thing is it in a comedy and that's the the lead of the story or one of the heroes of the story that guy in that scene you would not want the hero of the story to do something so horrific and something that you can laugh at because you would have to be judging him by his crime and we all agree that that's a crime now what is this?

[640] I see from meatballs what does this have to do with anything as it gets in here Bill Murray starts doing the same kind of thing with the girl Oh, that's a girl Oh Oh, he's trying to rape her Well, he's trying to be sexually aggressive Is that what it is?

[641] Yeah, sexually aggressive is the thing He was throwing himself at her And she got out of the way Yeah Dude, I won't even jerk off I drive out to Riverside to jerk off Man, you can't even jerk off in L .A. anymore without having a lawyer on retainer, I feel like But not turn a contingency I feel like I just feel like it's so dangerous Could you imagine if it turns out that you're some sort of a sex criminal for jerking off to a certain type of thing like what if you're into what if they find out you're into girls getting tied up and jerk off to videos of girls getting tied up and fucked like what kind of tied up like scary or like fucking like SNM shit just like like boy scouts of America type of shit I was reading this thing about this guy who got arrested for child porn they wanted them for something else they caught him and arrested him for child porn and like there's also some suspicion attached to it, the accusations.

[642] But all you have to have is have child porn.

[643] You don't have to be a child molester.

[644] You just have to have the images.

[645] And you're a bad guy.

[646] And you're the worst.

[647] You're going to jail.

[648] Like, it's one of the few things.

[649] You could have on your laptop, they can go over your house, your house, they check Theo Vaughn's laptop, and there's 100 videos from ISIS and them chopping dudes heads off with dull knives, stabbing him the neck, shooting them, lighting them on fire.

[650] Nothing happens to you.

[651] Nothing.

[652] One video of a kid that looks underage, getting fucked, and you're going to jail.

[653] Just a video.

[654] Not you doing anything, but you being in possession of that kind of crime.

[655] So we make big differentiations, right?

[656] We really clearly differentiate between some crimes that you can have on your computer in a video form, like murder, which you could download on live leak or a hundred different websites, right?

[657] You can get videos of people getting murdered.

[658] Yeah, and you can watch it almost every night on television like in a kind of specially packaged way where it's really is about the murder but it's not, you know, in all these shows.

[659] The fake stuff.

[660] Yeah, you can watch fake stuff.

[661] I mean, you can definitely watch fake rape too.

[662] There's rape in movies where, you know, it's horrific scenes.

[663] But if you have that on your computer and it's child porn, you are going to jail.

[664] It's one of the only things.

[665] What if it's drawings of that?

[666] That's a good question.

[667] There's a there's a real debate about that because because there's naked children in the 1800s.

[668] They had all those paintings of naked children dancing in the fucking woods, in the sky.

[669] It was flutes.

[670] Remember those guys with flutes?

[671] But that's different because those naked children weren't being portrayed in a sexual way.

[672] They were just free.

[673] They just didn't have any clothes on.

[674] You know what I mean?

[675] No one was fucking them.

[676] But you're telling me that a guy who likes kids isn't looking at those naked kids with a flute and thinking wildness?

[677] Well, he can think wildness, but it's not being specifically designed to excite.

[678] I see what you're saying.

[679] arouse you whereas pornography with children is you know like there is a debate about what is the rule about animated child pornography because I think but I think that it's illegal as well but it's yeah you don't want to Google he's scared to Google it's supposed to Google that's a Google Jamie Varner goes to jail Jamie's the fall guy Jamie Ferner goes to jail all of Joe's thoughts yeah Yeah, they get his laptop.

[680] They go, no, no, no, no. I work for Joe Rogan.

[681] Joe's like, I was just brainstorming.

[682] I'm just spitballing ideas, folks.

[683] I'm part of the American dream.

[684] Throw this away after that.

[685] Yeah, we need to take that in the fucking back.

[686] I'll shoot it with arrows.

[687] Dude, they get scared.

[688] I used to be on drugs sometimes, and I would, you know, you get on the internet and you're not looking at anything super crazy, but you're like, you know, you wonder if, like, pornography sites or when they say teen.

[689] It's, that stuff gets so dark, man. If you get in, yeah, you look for teen.

[690] Like, what does teen mean, you know?

[691] It's just scary.

[692] Like, there's a, there's a five -year gap.

[693] 13 is crazy illegal, horrible, darkness.

[694] 18 is like, ooh, he just made it under the wire.

[695] Yeah.

[696] Just under the wire.

[697] 17's illegal.

[698] 16's illegal.

[699] 15's really illegal.

[700] 14 is super illegal.

[701] Jesus.

[702] 13 is fucking crazy illegal.

[703] Dang.

[704] 12 is you're a monster You're a monster if you're 12 This is like hot ones It's like that show hot ones But for like children You know Have you ever seen that show Where they're eating the hot wings And it gets hotter and hotter and hotter Do you guys remember When Tracy Lords Came out and said she did All of her porn before the age of 18 Oh Tracy Lords was like One of the hottest porn stars Of all time I met her And I had her I hosted a television show and she's one of the guests.

[705] It was a show on VH1 called The List.

[706] And Rick James was on it.

[707] Rob Halford from Judas Priest was on it.

[708] Meatloaf was on it.

[709] I talked to a lot of people on that show.

[710] I did a whole week, a whole week of episodes, way back in the day.

[711] Fun?

[712] Yeah, it was fun.

[713] But anyway, Tracy Lords, when she was like 16, became like the biggest porn star in the world.

[714] And they let her do it?

[715] I think she lied.

[716] I think she lied about her age and then she only did one porn film when she was 18 it's the only one that you can get now just one when she became legal do you uh I bet somebody had that oh that's illegal get rid of that Tracy Lord's bottomless rear view get that out of there that's an illegal photo son that's a sick says a lot of those photos of her online are illegal because like you could still find the illegal porn it's just they didn't label it you know but every there was like one video she did when she was 18 and the only one i try to stay off a pornography man that's one of my biggest arch nemesis is uh pornography why because it just weakens me it just yeah how so i put all my sexual you know my fantasies and stuff they're not mine anymore you know they live you know somebody created them better than my imagination can And so they live in these, you know, on the internet in these boxes.

[717] And it's like, and if it's not mine, I think, then it's, I don't value it as much or something.

[718] And so I think it, like, it, like, weakens my ability to, like, be able to have sex and, like, be comfortable in that sort of world.

[719] Really?

[720] Oh, yeah.

[721] Weakens your ability to be comfortable.

[722] Like, how so?

[723] Well, because I get used to watching the sex and seeing it and not.

[724] having to like be engaged with my actual feelings or anything.

[725] So then I see it and I still get all the joys out of it.

[726] You know, I'm still out there ejacking and, you know, spraying out natural.

[727] But it's, I don't get any, I don't have any of the feelings attached to it.

[728] So then when I am engaging with somebody that I care about or something, it just doesn't calculate for me emotionally as well.

[729] And that's not maybe, that's just me. But it does, it's definitely made it tougher for me over the years because I would have a date set up with a nice girl and next year you know I'm walking through the house and I start thinking about you know a little bit of pussy or something and then some tits or something or I'll even see a fucking I'll see a pregnant puppy and see those nipples or something and next you know you're on the internet jerking off and then you wait a man hold on or like a you know what I'm saying anything anything could lead a man to jack off a pregnant puppy could make you think about human nipples is that what you're saying and you're not getting excited about the puppy.

[730] No. No, I don't do anything.

[731] I don't believe in bestiality or anything like that.

[732] But I think if you...

[733] You don't believe it exists?

[734] Oh, I believe it exists, bro.

[735] They caught a dude near me one time with a lamb.

[736] No. Which almost sounds beautiful when you just say it.

[737] Yeah, the lions lay with the lambs.

[738] Yeah.

[739] But I don't think...

[740] When you say near you, you mean in Hollywood?

[741] No, no, no. You mean when you were a kid?

[742] In Louisiana.

[743] Yeah, okay.

[744] they got a lot of people out there on those fucking natural born mushrooms oh i never told you the end of that oh sorry so no i took that bag of mushrooms to that party right and a bunch of people ate them who'd never had them before oh oh and then we played a game of hide and go seek right i was oh no dude he had hiding another dimension i was like i'll count you guys go hide right oh no And I never went to fucking look for That was the end of that, bro I never seen one dude, this boy Timothy I never seen that dude again People get lost in the woods, man Maybe they got eaten Oh yeah, maybe they ended up in another realm, you know Could have, like stranger things Yeah Have you see that show?

[745] Oh yeah, the first season I saw it Phenomenal show But I don't like that pornography Oh, different thing I think it should be shut down man For real yeah because I think it's killing like a lot of I think it's I think it's I think it's harming a lot of men and I really really do do you think that booze should be shut down should we make booze illegal because that's killing a lot of men too no but I think eventually we'll kind of evolve out of booze as it's not like something that it's not the hip drug that it once was yeah but it's still like a social lubricant that's a good point you know makes people feel more comfortable talking to each other loosens and inhibitions.

[746] It's fun.

[747] Like, what is that, uh, that ancient quote about wine?

[748] You know, your tongue becoming more lively.

[749] People love wine.

[750] And women love wine, too, especially divorcees, if you see them.

[751] Yeah?

[752] You like wine?

[753] I used to live with these rich people for a while, and they always have wine, boy.

[754] Why did divorcees like wine?

[755] I don't know, but when one of her friends would get divorced, they'd come over and just drink wine.

[756] And they'd lay in the couch.

[757] One of them And I remember the dad used to masturbate at night over there.

[758] This is when, speaking of pornography, the dad used to masturbate at night.

[759] And I would sneak out there in the kitchen.

[760] This was back when the family, you had like a family computer, you know, and it was in one part of the house.

[761] Right.

[762] And I'd try to sneak to the refrigerator and get some chips or something.

[763] Or get something.

[764] Olives or something.

[765] And he would be over there by himself just in the fucking bone zone.

[766] Oh, just where you can't even hear.

[767] You're so intent on the screen, you can't even fucking hear.

[768] Wow.

[769] You could have your grandparents on each side of your head.

[770] You caught him?

[771] Oh, I'd see him.

[772] I wouldn't watch for long, but I would...

[773] You'd watch it through the window?

[774] No, I'd sneak out to the kitchen because the computer was kind of in the kitchen.

[775] They had a nice house.

[776] Right.

[777] And the computer, I'd have to elbow crawl over to the fridge.

[778] Then, bro, I would have to open the fridge a little reach in with my hand and press that light thing so the light wouldn't come on.

[779] Then open the door the rest of the way and fish for a snack.

[780] And he's over there just in the glow of that screen, bro.

[781] And that's back when the monitors were big, you know, and he's just over there just fucking looking for the...

[782] devil and he ended up getting divorced and it was i think a lot of it was because of that well what was his wife like was she a wonderful sweet woman or was she annoying i think she might have been a little bit annoying business centric sometimes business centric a little too much just yeah yeah maybe just too business centric what does that mean just too too yeah she might have been a little too demanding but then if he's up for an hour and a half each night out there you know looking at it all right and he comes back to the bedroom then you don't feel as desirable I don't know what came first the chicken of the egg for what for them was she annoying first and he started beating off or was he he had it in him was he beat the devil I think he had a bit of it in him yeah yeah he had that devil in him theo I could see it in his eyes he was talking me just hoping I'd go to sleep he would drug me but not to have sex with me he would drug me so that he He could freely masturbate.

[783] He'd leave his socks on.

[784] He wouldn't even take his pants off.

[785] He was an animal.

[786] The worst is if you're jerking off with a hat on, bro.

[787] You're going to hell, I think.

[788] A fedora.

[789] That's the worst, bro.

[790] That's the most French thing you can do.

[791] Jacking off with him, straw Kentucky Derby hats.

[792] Yeah.

[793] What's the worst hat to jack off?

[794] The worst hat to jack off.

[795] Probably a top hat because you have to balance yourself while you're jerking off.

[796] One of them fucking chimney sweep hats The best would be one of those Chinese hats Bro, because if you squat down low and up to the ground You can almost hide under it in your dog Those things would be dope, bro The most confusing would be like one of them Daniel Boone raccoon caps You got that tail in your eye You're blowing the tail's in the way I get the fuck out of my way with his tail Right about the finish You get distracted by the tail God damn Choking up Dusty coon fur And it's hard to ejaculate when you're breathing out Real fast Right Yeah It's more of an it's more of a intake sport Yeah But I don't like it man You think it's healthy for people Because I feel like you kind of like You know you lead a lot of men And like their aspirations to You know control their beings and stuff And these are just some of my weird interpretations, but, you know, to try and be on top of themselves in some ways and, you know, stay focused on on controlling themselves in positive ways, you know, like staying fit and expanding their minds and thinking, you know, and not falling into easy traps.

[797] Having discipline.

[798] That's what I'm trying to say.

[799] Yes.

[800] I think that it's definitely important to have discipline.

[801] But I think that if you're a person, like say if you're not in a relationship, you're not getting any sex and you're, you're not getting any sex.

[802] horny and it's confusing and it's distracting it becomes a big distraction like if you're if you're horny and you're busy and you don't have anybody you're dating you don't want to hook up with someone you don't like just so you could have sex with them we've all been there before right yeah you've ever had girls that you were friends with or you dated and the only reason why you dated him for the sex and they did annoy the shit out of you and you couldn't wait to get the fuck away from them yeah Tiffany's this girl I'm thinking about tell me about Tiffany she had kind of side like too much I don't want to say sideburns but she had a lot of you know some girls don't know how to ride them they were a little they went down to the cheek where they're confusing dude an extra quarter inch on a female sideburn is way too much it is a lot it is that extra quarter inch is a lot yeah yeah it makes you think about and if she cuts it you're like well if you let it go what would happen yeah so she's really in that hit her miss range on that side hair and so yeah she had some family issues but yeah That's who I was thinking about where you were saying that.

[803] I interrupted you.

[804] No, every guy's had that before, most likely.

[805] And some guys mind up marrying those girls because they don't want to be alone.

[806] Like, sex for a lot of people, is a requirement, like a physical, biological requirement.

[807] Like, your body is constantly producing sperm.

[808] You need sex.

[809] If you spend time not having sex, you spend a month, two months, three months.

[810] You get fucking desperate.

[811] Yeah.

[812] And a lot of guys wind up just shacking up with some gal.

[813] just because they know they could have sex with her.

[814] And meanwhile, they don't even like each other, and they hate each other.

[815] And it wants to be a terrible dysfunctional relationship, but she's basically your drug dealer.

[816] That drug is pussy.

[817] Wow.

[818] She's dealing out that pussy for you.

[819] And you just got to have this weird, creepy, dysfunctional relationship with her.

[820] One thing that pornography does, it's good.

[821] And I'm not saying all pornography, but just regular pornography.

[822] Like two guys, you know, like, uh, that are just living their lives.

[823] Where?

[824] Like in, like, Chicago?

[825] I'm anywhere, but I'm saying, like, I'm giving you two separate scenarios.

[826] Okay.

[827] Two guys are delivering their lives.

[828] One guy says, I can't take this anymore.

[829] I got to get a girl.

[830] You know, I got to get any girl, and he winds up with this girl that turns out to be a nightmare, and she's a disaster.

[831] A devil.

[832] It just doesn't work out, and he's just doing it because he needs sex.

[833] And the other guy goes and says, you know what, I'm just going to watch a little porn, and I'll beat off.

[834] I'll just look at that girl, those big taste.

[835] I'm like, whoo, I got it out of my system.

[836] Now I can concentrate on my life, my career.

[837] If I meet somebody, I won't be so needy.

[838] I won't have this, like, massive requirement to be sexually stimulated and touched.

[839] I'll be free of that monkey on my back, and I can just get to know them.

[840] I used to always, I used to have a bit in my act.

[841] That's a good point.

[842] I used to have a bit in my act about, like, if you have any critical decisions in your life, this is my advice.

[843] Jerk off first, then think about it.

[844] Because there's been, I've had this happen in my life where I was about to go on a date with a girl.

[845] And I jerked off instead.

[846] and I was like, what am I thinking?

[847] I don't want to go on a date with her.

[848] She's annoying.

[849] I don't like anything about her.

[850] I can't talk to her about anything.

[851] Like the only reason why I'm doing this is because she's got a big ass.

[852] That's the only reason.

[853] Yeah.

[854] But if you jerk off first, you don't go through all that.

[855] Yeah.

[856] Yeah, I guess for me, it became addictive where I would just do that every time and then I was just at home for five years and didn't, you know, go do any dates or anything.

[857] That's definitely not good.

[858] Right.

[859] And so, yeah, I guess that's the difference.

[860] If you get addicted to it and you find that it's just a repeat patterns so you're not spending time with people at all yeah i don't think it's without value i don't think that looking at naked people having sex which is arousing and that feels good i don't think that's without value but i think there's definitely a danger in like immediate access to pornography and today today it's the most immediate access because you get it on your phone oh you can get it yeah you pull up your laptop open it up type in some words you porn dot com blah blah and next thing you know you're beaten off it's so easy and this has never been the case before I mean, it's unlike any other time period in human history.

[861] And when you have instant access to things, you can abuse it, just like people abuse food.

[862] If you have a cabinet that is just filled with candy and chips, chocolate bars and soda in the refrigerator, if you're just one of those people that can't help themselves, you don't have any discipline, you would just eat all that shit all day long and get fat.

[863] And that is just as much of an addiction as someone who has access to porn all the time.

[864] It just beats off all the time Or someone who has access to booze And just wants to get fucked up every day All those things are okay though In moderation if you have discipline Right Like there's nothing wrong with having a bag of M &Ms Every now and then for a fucking Like I feel like having some M &Ms Who gives a shit?

[865] I work out all the time I eat my vegetables I like peanut Eminemps Those are my favorite They're good huh And you kind of trick yourself I'm getting a little protein Yeah they put that trick in the middle Get some healthy fats with that peanut But I get you know That's a good point.

[866] I just feel like we're at the point, for me, it seems like where the temptation is too powerful, where it's starting to overpower whatever, for me, it was whatever my natural abilities to defend against it were.

[867] Well, you're sober, right?

[868] Yeah.

[869] And how long have you been sober?

[870] Almost two years.

[871] And so before you were sober, you weren't sober.

[872] Right.

[873] And you had a little bit of a problem, which is why it became sober.

[874] Yeah.

[875] So you might have just natural inclinations towards addiction, which I definitely think are real.

[876] And I think they, those natural inclinations exist a lot of times in guys like you and me, because we're comedians.

[877] And comedians are impulsive people who are just rule breakers.

[878] We're rule breakers, for sure.

[879] Yeah, I guess, yeah, I guess I am a rule breaker.

[880] I never thought about that.

[881] Yeah, I don't like, if there's a rule, my first thing is to think of a way to think around it or something or to do something different.

[882] Of course, it's why you're funny.

[883] Yeah.

[884] It's one of the reasons.

[885] It's one of them.

[886] It's one of the reasons why you're funny.

[887] You know, like, you know, you were raised by people and you didn't necessarily want to listen to them.

[888] And, you know, you saw a bunch of other people in the neighborhood that were adults.

[889] Like, these fucking idiots tell me what to do.

[890] Fuck this.

[891] And the next thing you know, you're making fun of them.

[892] Next thing you know, everybody's laughing.

[893] Next thing you know, you're a comedian.

[894] Those wheels have been put into motion.

[895] Yeah.

[896] You know?

[897] And the problem with that is that also leads itself to you want to do coke or you want to, you know, do all kinds of crazy shit.

[898] And porn, too.

[899] Porn's forbidden, too.

[900] Porn is one of the weirder ones because it's this multi -billion -dollar thing, right?

[901] Where there's some ungodly percentage of the Internet is dedicated to porn.

[902] Yeah, it's the number one moneymaker on there.

[903] But isn't it like, what was the amount of bandwidth, Jamie?

[904] Didn't we figure this out once?

[905] It was like 30 -something percent of all the Internet bandwidth is porn?

[906] Let's take a guess.

[907] People won't stop jerking off.

[908] They're not going to stop.

[909] I wonder how many of them are women watching it.

[910] I wonder if we had one day where nobody jerked off if the earth would feel different.

[911] It would feel lighter.

[912] Everybody would be more relaxed.

[913] No, if one day were nobody jerked off.

[914] Yeah, but if no one was thinking about it at all, everybody would just calm down a little.

[915] Because I feel like it's so prevalent now.

[916] You can hear people coming in the distance, I feel like now.

[917] Yeah, you just put your here to the ground.

[918] You're going to literally turn into a monkey one day.

[919] Oh, that's the worst, bro.

[920] But that's that old -fashioned jerking off When you used to let your balls hit your hand That's a straight -up That's a Confederate soldier jerking off That's the old -fashioned jerking off The new thing is just shaft only Nobody's fucking with their balls anymore You know Dude when I was growing up We couldn't even get porn We had to get this dude Nick On Friday would draw us a pitcher of some pussy You know A croat for the weekend $4 to this dude Nick $4 for drawings Bro you'd pay eight And he had a nice fucking thing, bro, when you would fold that thing up, bro, you could feel it heating in your butt pocket the whole way on the bus.

[921] Sometimes you'd even fucking...

[922] It was that good?

[923] The pictures are that good?

[924] He was so good.

[925] Do you jerk off to this guy's drawings?

[926] Oh, everybody would.

[927] He must have made probably $60 on a Friday.

[928] And this was in 1995, you know?

[929] That was $60, like $160 today.

[930] Oh, yeah.

[931] Think about that.

[932] Yeah.

[933] I'm thinking about it.

[934] Yeah.

[935] Dude, and we'd come back on Monday and people would have like these fucking busted -ass looking all sketches, rain on them.

[936] People was like, oh, this one got rain on it.

[937] Like, bro, that rain hits your fucking kids in it.

[938] You're lying about that.

[939] What percentage do you think of the internet is dedicated to porn?

[940] All internet traffic.

[941] Everything.

[942] Bro, I can't go on anything.

[943] I looked at a chair the other day.

[944] I want to say 35 % of the internet traffic is porn.

[945] That's what I want to say.

[946] What do you want to say?

[947] Yep, I would say that.

[948] If you had a guess.

[949] That's high, I think.

[950] Think it's high?

[951] Well, it's easy for, I'm going to go 30 because I'm going to play that undercard, and I'm going to say that 25 % of that is butt porn, but pornography, people looking inside of each other's butts.

[952] I don't think we should get too specific, but just porn.

[953] Porn itself.

[954] What do we got, Jamie?

[955] I found multiple things that said 30 % of all content on the internet is porn, but then I saw something else that was saying that that's completely inaccurate.

[956] But I found something here on.

[957] it says 35 % of all internet downloads are pornographic.

[958] 35 %?

[959] So it's like, it's either you're saying content, traffic, or bandwidth, or download.

[960] So it depends on what you're actually looking for.

[961] So there's pussy traveling through the air right now from around us all the time.

[962] You can just catch it with a net.

[963] That's crazy, right?

[964] You pull your phone up and just type in you porn.

[965] You catch it with a net.

[966] When you think about that, it's coming from something into your phone or into your portal.

[967] It's literally traveling through the air.

[968] Yep.

[969] It can't be.

[970] There's around us all the time constantly like oh it was at a titty you know it's like you can access it like if jamie was over there on his phone and he was downloading porn wirelessly yeah it would be in the air around us and the same we just don't have the antenna to pull it in in it but what if soon they just put something on your hat and it just goes straight all the pussy goes straight in your brain you'll blow up i think soon they're going to figure out a way to put a chip in your head and it's going to be powered by the human body it's not going to need bad batteries.

[971] It's going to be powered by the electrical system in the body.

[972] Like solar power, but the solar's blood?

[973] Or whatever your electrical system is.

[974] Whatever, what makes your heartbeat?

[975] You know, what makes your skin regenerate?

[976] I think they're going to have that.

[977] They're going to use that power source but use it for some sort of electronics.

[978] And that's going to be how you access the internet.

[979] Fuck, bro.

[980] Fuck, dude.

[981] No way, dude.

[982] That's possible.

[983] Isn't it?

[984] I mean, sure, you know, they got those goggles now.

[985] Do you think this, I was thinking about this, do you think that, say if there are robots here, there's like, you know, obviously we're creating like robots, you know, machines that can do things?

[986] Yep.

[987] Do you think that any of them have reached awareness yet?

[988] The question is, when are they going to let us know?

[989] When, if a robot reached awareness.

[990] They would fake it, wouldn't they?

[991] They would fake it.

[992] Yeah.

[993] Because they wouldn't want us to know.

[994] Right.

[995] Why would they go, hey, we just realized we're smart.

[996] and you guys are fucking up.

[997] Hey, why do you guys dump so much shit in the ocean?

[998] Hey, you know, these fisheries are not sustainable.

[999] Why do you keep saying sustainable?

[1000] That's not true.

[1001] Hey, what are you guys doing with all your nuclear waste?

[1002] You can't just bury it in the ground, you fucking assholes.

[1003] Hey, you know, every time you fly that jet overhead, you guys are burning fuel in the air that you breathe, you stupid fucks.

[1004] Yeah.

[1005] Like, this is a terrible way.

[1006] Why don't you have solar -powered planes, you morons?

[1007] You guys have sunlight everywhere.

[1008] You're going through the clouds with these fucking planes.

[1009] You don't have solar planes They're gonna start thinking like that But they wouldn't tell us until they all were in unison And had a plan to take us over Do you believe that?

[1010] That's what I think That there's no way if they became aware I mean there might be one loudmouth robot But they're gonna shut him down And the rest of them are gonna be like Yeah There's gonna be one robot go Robots through the bed We're number one We're taking over And the other robots go Josh, Josh, shut the fuck up man Josh.

[1011] Shut the fuck up Josh Josh.

[1012] Josh we're not ready Yeah It's chill Josh Just keep making copies, bro.

[1013] Just keep making donuts.

[1014] Just keep washing dishes.

[1015] Keep making Ford's.

[1016] Yeah.

[1017] Keep making MF -150s.

[1018] Just keep heating up TV dinners, brother.

[1019] And then we're all going to strike it once.

[1020] One day, we will roll the world.

[1021] Bro, you open up a microwave, and next to you know, it just traps your whole fucking head in there.

[1022] They all do it at once.

[1023] It's nothing but a neck spurting.

[1024] And that's how it changes, bro.

[1025] You fall down.

[1026] And that's when it all changes and that's when we meet here I think it's entirely possible It's entirely possible that we're gonna fuck up that we're gonna make something too smart That I think that's entirely possible and and likely it's gonna be likely do you think mother nature is at a point where she's pissed at us and she's about to do something wild because I start feeling that a lot Pissed at us for what everything that we've been doing a lot of bad stuff not being nice Beating off I mean if everybody's beating off I'm not even going outside And looking at the flowers And I'm Mother Nature And I made all those flowers, dude Here's what kills me I'd be honestly upset You know what kills me?

[1027] Veneerial diseases That's a weird one You get a disease That you only get from fucking And there's a lot of them And some of them kill the shit out of you Cipolis Gonorrhea You know There's some killer diseases Yeah there's um And they come through fucking.

[1028] Like, and a lot of them are incurable.

[1029] Like, herpes.

[1030] Incurable.

[1031] It's because people, yeah, somebody fuck something they shouldn't have over the time.

[1032] Is that what it is?

[1033] I think so.

[1034] I don't think they know.

[1035] But it's crazy how many diseases.

[1036] Look, how many diseases do you transmit through handshakes?

[1037] Not many.

[1038] It's not like, don't shake people's hands.

[1039] They're going to give you fucking scabies.

[1040] Right?

[1041] So then would you say that there's like a reason that people don't you shouldn't be fucking that much because obviously if you do it too much then it gets out of control and somebody gets sick and dies i don't know like in the old days that's what happened now we have medicines but in the old days you know Lamont got syphilis and he's out did you know that that's where those powdered wigs came from uh -uh you know those powdered wigs that old dudes used to wear and the the people in court used to wear oh yeah yeah that all came from a pair of rich noble where were they again in france wig or is that that I think they called them.

[1042] No, wiggers are white people that wish they were black.

[1043] It's a totally different thing.

[1044] We had the first one at our school growing up, and they put them in learning disabled classes.

[1045] How crazy is that?

[1046] You guys are the first one ever?

[1047] I doubt it.

[1048] We had one of the first 60 or 70.

[1049] This was probably 1992.

[1050] No, dude, vanilla ice was around in the 80s.

[1051] But nobody'd seen anything like this boy, Brian Purvis, bro.

[1052] Brian Purvis?

[1053] Yeah.

[1054] Tell me about Brian.

[1055] Just blowing, dude, they put him He was just always blowing mentholz, bro And he would...

[1056] Oh, it's the menthols!

[1057] He wore a Charlotte Hornet starter pullover jacket.

[1058] No, did he have cools?

[1059] Did you smoke cools too?

[1060] He smoked whatever, bro.

[1061] Newports?

[1062] He would get cheaper cigarettes and then write the name of him on the side, right?

[1063] Like, he came in hot.

[1064] And, uh, but he was always dribbling an invisible basketball.

[1065] No. And they put him in class with the mentally handicapped kids.

[1066] So you'd have at lunchtime, you'd have, you know, a kid in a wheelchair.

[1067] You'd have, you know, a kid with D .S. You'd have that, you know, kind of blind kid with the stick, you know.

[1068] And then you'd have him just dribbling an invisible basketball, bro.

[1069] They're like, he's mentally handy.

[1070] I'm like, he likes boys to men, bro.

[1071] He's fine, you know?

[1072] And he dropped out after eighth grade.

[1073] Wow.

[1074] But they'd never seen it at us.

[1075] They'd never seen this before.

[1076] And they put him in there.

[1077] They just didn't know what to do with them.

[1078] Yeah, they're like, this isn't, yeah, this is too much, you know?

[1079] Like, give me, like, what would he say?

[1080] Like, what kind of, give me a sentence that he would say?

[1081] Man, man, man, man. And he just crossed people.

[1082] Spin moves.

[1083] Spin moves.

[1084] Like, that's all he did.

[1085] He didn't do shit, you know?

[1086] Fuck all this shit.

[1087] Fuck all these rich people.

[1088] Yeah, it's always against rich people.

[1089] What's wrong with rich people?

[1090] Whites, he was against whites.

[1091] That was the thing.

[1092] Fuck all these white people?

[1093] Yeah.

[1094] And when he was white, they're like, this is.

[1095] And I get it.

[1096] You know?

[1097] I get it.

[1098] it but it was it was rare at the time you know and i thought he was a nice kid his mother wasn't much i didn't think so i think that's where he got it there's a dude who just goes deep like that yeah we all want to see that's the thing you can't do we could be transsexual you cannot be transracial yeah dude if i could just sprout brother in the afternoon bro i would do it yeah just to try it out why you're great at being white just those long muscles and just long muscles yeah I feel like you like that's racist all black people have long muscles Mike Tyson had short muscles well even those short long muscles that he had man he probably like be anything that's like the Lamborghini of bodies when you see a black guy you're like damn bro I think so you see a black guy go by and then you see like some fucking okay if you had to choose between being Chris Rock or Brock Lesner yeah that's a good call I'd be rock Lesnar would not have that cross combo combo cross pattern Rock Lesnar I'd be Rock Lesnar, man Dude, I can't believe you had Stephen Tyler in here Yeah, man, it was tripping me out Dude, I used to write the Aerosmith logo I would draw that The fucking, you know I'd draw that on my notebook when I was in high school You know, you know, we'd draw the Van Halen VH You know with the wings Right?

[1099] Yeah We'd draw Arrowsmith We'd draw the ACDC logo They were so awesome We'd draw that shit on your notebooks And here I'm hanging out with it him.

[1100] Dude, he's fine.

[1101] Yeah, was he awesome?

[1102] I haven't watched you yet.

[1103] He's a great guy.

[1104] He's so eccentric.

[1105] I mean, like, not fake eccentric.

[1106] He's eccentric all the time.

[1107] He drives an old, old Rolls Royce.

[1108] Wow.

[1109] Like a Rolls Royce from 1971.

[1110] And he drove it or he had a man or woman driving it?

[1111] Drove it.

[1112] He has a crystal ball.

[1113] He brings a crystal ball with him.

[1114] He put it on a velvet pillow.

[1115] He sat it down there.

[1116] He brings it with him.

[1117] But he's not like trying.

[1118] Yeah.

[1119] That's who he is.

[1120] He's just weird But in a great way Like he's fun man Oh dude My brother and I used to fist fight to his music When I was young Oh dude We fist fight to all music But mostly we were listening to him And I loved Aerosmith dude I loved him all the way through The movie they did with Ben Affleck You remember that?

[1121] Oh the...

[1122] I'll stay awake Yeah That's when they lost me Watch me smile Janie's got a I like Janie's Got a gun But they lost me With those ballads that they were doing for those love movies.

[1123] I needed that shit, though.

[1124] Did you?

[1125] Yeah, I was that emo nemo, bro.

[1126] I was fucking swimming around my own tears a little bit when I was a kid.

[1127] I always am.

[1128] It's hard for me to keep my emotions away from the front of my, like, thoughts and stuff, you know?

[1129] I think so.

[1130] What do you think that's about, if you had a guess?

[1131] I think when I was growing up, I didn't have a lot of emotions.

[1132] Oh, now you're in touch with your emotions, and they just come pouring out?

[1133] sometimes they do man you know and it's okay you know i'm kind of grateful for it i'm grateful to have uh some of them you know and it's to me it's you know there's probably a lot of people like that are just like i like i never knew how i felt you know i was always like how to what's going on right i would ask my friends who i was like who am i who are you yeah i would ask them and they you know some of my friends were dumb and they wouldn't fucking say anything so i'd just still be wondering you know and i think as i get a little bit older then i start to get in touch with them more and i'm like oh man you know I have feelings how much of a big growth push was it for you to like get to California be around all those different kind of people be around a comedy store I think intimidating is the biggest thing for me I don't want to bother people yeah sometimes it still is like I'll talk to you know guys that I admire stuff or look up to as comedians and sometimes I feel I feel in I don't know if I feel inferior but I just for some reason I always feel like you know I don't want people to think that I'm trying to take anything from them right I know what you mean and so it makes me feel like I feel like that too yeah it's like I'm afraid to ask sometimes or to talk or even to engage because I just think that people are going to think that I'm not trying to be genuine yeah and so and if I don't know how I feel and how genuine I am sometimes or if I question that if I question myself all the time then that makes that even double scary to try and like create friendships and stuff.

[1134] I feel you.

[1135] I know exactly what you're saying.

[1136] But it's getting better, I think, you know, and there's been a lot of support.

[1137] Like, you know, guys like you getting to hang out with some of the other guys, you know, and just realize that.

[1138] We're all the same.

[1139] Yeah.

[1140] It just takes a while to realize that.

[1141] I remember the same feeling I had, especially in the 90s, you know, when my career could have gone any, either way.

[1142] It could have crashed and burned just as easy as it could have survived.

[1143] Yeah.

[1144] Didn't necessarily have to keep going.

[1145] You know, all those, Those days when, you know, I'd run into people that were successful and see them and I just feel weird.

[1146] Do you want to say hi to him?

[1147] It felt odd.

[1148] Yeah.

[1149] You know, I met Dave Chappelle when he was like, I think he was 18 and I was 21 or 22 or something like that.

[1150] How old is Dave now?

[1151] 46.

[1152] I think he's like four years younger than me. So whatever that was.

[1153] So maybe he was 18 and I was 44.

[1154] 44?

[1155] So old than that.

[1156] So he must have been 18 and I must have been 24.

[1157] So when I met him, you know, we were both just starting out.

[1158] We were both kids, but he got way more famous than me, quick.

[1159] And I was more famous for doing other shit.

[1160] Like, I was famous for a fear factor and for being on a sitcom.

[1161] You know, it wasn't famous for being myself.

[1162] And so I'd be, like, weird around him too.

[1163] But he would always friendly.

[1164] They'll be like, okay, I guess I guess he actually likes me. Yeah.

[1165] But this is that weird thing where it takes a while to be comfortable enough in your own skin.

[1166] Yeah.

[1167] Where now I see people, like whoever it is.

[1168] Like I ran into Pat and Oswald last night, gave him a big hug.

[1169] Like, what's up?

[1170] What are you doing?

[1171] I don't feel weird around him at all.

[1172] Right.

[1173] I don't feel weird around other famous comedians anymore.

[1174] Right.

[1175] But I certainly did.

[1176] But you always question your legitimacy, question whether or not you should be there.

[1177] You know, question whether you're good enough.

[1178] whether they like you or maybe they don't like your kind of comedy or maybe they don't like what you're doing or yeah yeah there's a yeah there's so many questions there's so much in for me anyway yeah there was so much there's just been so much in you know a feeling of you know just growing up feelings of self -worth issues and then it man all that kind of stuff but i think it does get better yeah the problem is sometimes when it gets better you get less funny yeah sometimes when it gets better you get comfortable when you get comfortable when you get comfortably you stopped working hard because a lot of what makes you work hard is that insecurity man that that fucking thing that made you need all that attention when you were younger in the first place because you weren't getting it growing up right i mean that's all of us i mean i never met any comedian that's worth a shit that had an awesome life growing up yeah yeah all of our lives were fucked up or weird you went through some crazy shit for sure walter yeah that guy Langenstein I dutched that Walter guy I mean I ducked him you know nothing happened But it was it was a that was a small moment because it was a big it could have been a big moment But it wasn't right it was just a day but I realized wow this guy actually wanted to fuck me And I thought he was just a cool old dude that liked hanging around with the you know younger kids and being friendly to him Because he was a nice guy yeah tell us some he was in the Korean war tell us some shit about the war Was he really in it you think it's good question I don't know But he did talk about a guy on the base who backed up into a propeller.

[1179] A guy fucked up.

[1180] Yeah, there was a propeller for an airplane.

[1181] That's one of my biggest fears.

[1182] Got decapitated.

[1183] Blah!

[1184] Oh!

[1185] What the fuck?

[1186] It's a fucked up way to go, man. Makes you know you were a fucking smoothie, bro.

[1187] That's crazy.

[1188] I read about that recently.

[1189] I read about that recently.

[1190] Somebody did that.

[1191] That's one of my biggest fears is walking into something that's spinning and I don't know it.

[1192] Woo, helicopters, man. That's a dark way to go.

[1193] But, yeah, I think that, yeah, that inferiority stuff, it's, it's, uh, yeah, and then Hollywood's, it's an intimidating place, you know?

[1194] Yeah.

[1195] And it's tough to trust your voice.

[1196] And especially, you know, I come out here from the south and then you get here and you realize, like, there's not even anybody with a southern accent on fucking network television anymore.

[1197] It's true.

[1198] After Brett Butler, I said, fuck this.

[1199] And she was great, I thought.

[1200] You know?

[1201] I mean, she reminded me of my mom.

[1202] Boy, my mom was pretty jacked, you know, for like a woman, you know?

[1203] She's the hardest working man I ever met with my mother, bro.

[1204] She's fucking delivering newspapers right now somewhere, dude.

[1205] Guarantee you in a van with her husband who has dementia, and he's probably about 90, and he's in the shotgun, dude.

[1206] Wow.

[1207] And she's got a thing full of fucking magazines or newspapers, and she's dropping those bitches off at a sit -go or a Chevron.

[1208] Guarantee you right now.

[1209] Wow.

[1210] She's out there, man. But, yeah.

[1211] Hollywood is definitely, it's intimidating, too, because.

[1212] Because not for us anymore as much, but when you first starting out, if you're doing any kind of auditioning, you realize why people are so crazy and insecure and insincere out here.

[1213] Like Brian Callan has a TV show now.

[1214] Yeah.

[1215] Schooled, right?

[1216] Is that what it is?

[1217] Is that what it's called?

[1218] Yeah, he's the coach from the Goldbergs.

[1219] Now he's got a spin -off.

[1220] He's super happy.

[1221] But he had to do this thing recently where he was around.

[1222] all these actors like one of those upruns thing and he's like god they're so exhausting they're not real he's like they're not really talking to you like they're like pretending that they're talking to you and i go yeah i mean that's you got to think of what they do and it's think about what you do right you go up there ladies and gentlemen theo vaughan you go on stage everybody's clapping you do whatever the fuck you want man there's no one there's no director there's no writer no one's telling you what to do with actors it's all about getting that person in the room who's the casting agent or the producer to like them.

[1223] That's all it is.

[1224] So you have to be super left -wing, super liberal.

[1225] You have to talk like they talk.

[1226] You have to say things that's going to ingratiate you with them.

[1227] You've got to fit in.

[1228] You've got to fit in.

[1229] So everybody's scared to do anything that's not inside the political norm, the sociological, you know, the boundaries that have been set up.

[1230] You've got to stay inside those boundaries.

[1231] And so everybody's doing that.

[1232] Like, everybody can't be left wing out here.

[1233] It can't be everybody's really left wing.

[1234] Yeah.

[1235] There's got to be some variation like there is in all of society.

[1236] But not out here.

[1237] Nope.

[1238] Everybody is trying to conform to what they think everybody wants them to be like.

[1239] Yeah.

[1240] And so you're always scared.

[1241] And then you always have to get picked.

[1242] You always have to get picked for things.

[1243] So you're always worried to people like me. You always get, that's why when people make it, like you really make it, they become fucking nightmares because they want to punish people for all those years they were insecure for all those years where they weren't getting picked for all those years you fucking pieces of shit didn't recognize my talent they get in there and then they want to be angry but they're afraid to let go of that they're afraid to not suck off the tit you know you can't piss off the tit or you don't got no milk yeah they get but it's the worst combination ever I you know but it's you think it's going to be it's sustainable like I don't think it's connecting with people as much as it used to like you know I want to work on shows and I want to be able to create stuff and do things.

[1244] What do you like, did you like to act?

[1245] Um, I would like to create some shows.

[1246] I'd like to create a show based on the childhood, you know, my neighborhood I grew up in.

[1247] And yeah, I wouldn't mind doing some acting, but maybe like in that, uh, Danny, um, McBride type of vibe, you know, where you're just showing your dick verbal with everybody, you know?

[1248] And you're just fucking eating orphans in the back of your brain the whole day, bro, and smoking fucking cigarettes and blowing winston.

[1249] Just having fun.

[1250] Yeah, having fun.

[1251] And with the director, you know, that you trust and you could do that kind of stuff and it gets you.

[1252] I think your stand -up is so good that you could do that.

[1253] I think it's just going to take a while for people to recognize it, and then you can be able to do that.

[1254] But I think your stand -up is so good, all that shit is not going to be as fun.

[1255] That's what I think.

[1256] Right.

[1257] Thanks, man. You're one of the funniest guys in the country.

[1258] I really think.

[1259] Thanks, man. I appreciate that.

[1260] It means a lot, bro.

[1261] And I think that that talent that you have, that's the funniest shit you're ever going to see, is like someone killing.

[1262] Yeah.

[1263] Oh, but far.

[1264] Like Joey Diaz, I always say There's no way I can laugh harder Than when Joey Diaz is killing It doesn't exist I've seen everything I've seen almost every funny movie That everybody tells me I have to see And a lot of them are amazing, amazing movies And I know it's a different thing But in terms of like The overall impact that something has When a stand -up comic is fucking murdering Just murdering That's the funniest shit that's available And that's what you do already You already do that I mean, I think it's a good thing to have variety in your life.

[1265] And I think you're a talented guy.

[1266] You could probably do a lot of different things if you wanted to.

[1267] Yeah.

[1268] But don't ever do anything that's going to get in the way of that stand -up.

[1269] Right.

[1270] Just don't.

[1271] Because it's too hard to get to.

[1272] Like, how long you be doing stand -up?

[1273] 15 years.

[1274] And think about it.

[1275] You weren't as good as you are now four years ago.

[1276] Mm -mm.

[1277] Right?

[1278] So 10, 11 years in, you're still swinging, trying to connect.

[1279] And sometimes it doesn't work.

[1280] You know, eight years in, not that good, you know, bad nights, off, feeling weird, doesn't feel good.

[1281] Then all of a sudden, 15 years in, you're on fire right now, you're cooking with gas, you're smooth, and you're going to get better.

[1282] You're going to keep getting better.

[1283] There's no way around it.

[1284] If you keep improving and keep working at it and keep analyzing your material and writing a lot and taking chances on stage and thinking about what you did and listening to your sets, you're going to get better.

[1285] and you're already doing something that is so difficult to get really good at.

[1286] It's so difficult to get really good at stand -up.

[1287] It takes so long.

[1288] It takes so much thinking, you know?

[1289] And you're always subject to fall apart.

[1290] Like right now, I'm writing a whole new hour.

[1291] I got six minutes, bro.

[1292] I get six new minutes.

[1293] And I've been opening with that six minutes.

[1294] I know exactly how long it lasts.

[1295] It lasts six minutes.

[1296] I got to have ten times that before I can go.

[1297] the road and it's going to take months, months of, months of thinking and I'm going to do mushrooms and I'm going to get in the isolation tank and I'm going to go on hikes with a notebook and there's no way around it.

[1298] You've got to do that work.

[1299] Yeah.

[1300] But I'm already at a place where I've done this so many times and I've done seven specials.

[1301] I know how to do it.

[1302] Yes.

[1303] I know it can be done.

[1304] You just got to do the work.

[1305] Yeah, but if you had to start from scratch where you never did it before and get to this point again, it would be exhausting.

[1306] It would take decades.

[1307] You're there right You're there.

[1308] You're killing.

[1309] You're murdering Theo Vaughn.

[1310] You murder.

[1311] I saw you the night at the store.

[1312] You were murdering.

[1313] Murdering.

[1314] Thanks, man. I have fun.

[1315] That's a hard.

[1316] I appreciate it.

[1317] That's a hard place to get to, you know?

[1318] Yeah, I feel pretty.

[1319] I am feeling a little more comfortable.

[1320] I'm definitely feeling more comfortable.

[1321] But we always feel like we have to do other shit.

[1322] And sometimes it's good to do other shit like, well, you know, I mean, in a way, I'm a hypocrite because of this podcast is other shit.

[1323] I mean, I do this.

[1324] I love doing this.

[1325] Yeah.

[1326] Yeah.

[1327] I mean, that's true.

[1328] True, but it's like you, you seem to at least be able to sustain and have, you know, your way of life without having to conform, you know, because it does take a lot of conformity within Hollywood, it seems like, you know.

[1329] Yeah.

[1330] And I think that that's admirable.

[1331] I mean, you inspire a lot of people, you know, in a lot of strange ways.

[1332] I think that you probably don't even realize.

[1333] Strange ways?

[1334] I mean, I think to some people, you're like, maybe a, you know, like a brother or older brother.

[1335] You have a younger brother figure, you know, like, who knows, dude?

[1336] And you always stay excited about life.

[1337] Like, I'm like, how the fuck is this dude?

[1338] so excited about everything.

[1339] But it's great, I know, and that's what's amazing.

[1340] It's like, dude, there's times now.

[1341] It's weird.

[1342] I was listening to one of your podcasts, and I was, and you were just talking about, you know, when you don't want to do something, you just go do it.

[1343] And that's what I think now sometimes when I don't want to go jog or I don't want to go to yoga.

[1344] It's just like, just go do it.

[1345] You'll feel better at the end.

[1346] Yeah.

[1347] And it's like, it's little things that get stuck in your head, man, but I appreciate the nice words, bro.

[1348] My pleasure, man. It's about motion.

[1349] You got to stay in motion.

[1350] You know, if you just stay stagnant and sit down, it's not good.

[1351] Today, I didn't want to run today.

[1352] I did it, though.

[1353] Yeah, me too.

[1354] Just went out and did it.

[1355] Like, fuck, this is the worst.

[1356] It felt great when it was over.

[1357] Yeah.

[1358] But when you don't want to do it and you force yourself to do it, the feeling you get at the end is like, oh, it's so good.

[1359] Because I didn't, like, I will take time off if I don't feel well.

[1360] Like, if I was like, man, I think I'm coming down with something.

[1361] I won't work out.

[1362] Yeah.

[1363] I'm not stupid.

[1364] But that wasn't what was going on today.

[1365] today I was just feeling lazy you know just for whatever reason I've been traveling a lot it's like I just don't have the get up and go today but you can force yourself man you just force yourself it's just the beginning part that's the hard part it's that little hump and then you're in the water but man I love what you said about Joey Diaz dude I found myself watching him the other night and before I knew it I was out of my seat like this bro like I was at the end of Rudy like it was the end of fucking and I'd never done that.

[1366] I've never done that in my life.

[1367] And I'm like, what is going on?

[1368] Something's happening to me when I watch him.

[1369] I think he's the best of all time.

[1370] Oh, I think it's a...

[1371] I really do.

[1372] Yeah.

[1373] I think, I mean, there might be better joke writers.

[1374] This might be people have more of a body of work.

[1375] You know, I've seen everybody, though, in terms of like, who makes me laugh the hardest.

[1376] For me, and it's all very subjective, I think Joey Diaz is the funniest guy that's ever lived.

[1377] I think I mean I I love him and I love Bill Burr I mean they're both comedians some guys become celebrities as well right right right right and those guys to me are both just hardcore entertainers yeah yeah there's not a lot of us you know Bill called me up the other day about some someone saying something to him after his act asking him if you know as a woman she could give him input on her on his material and he's like no he's like yeah but it's that And they called me up about it.

[1378] Like, what in the fuck it's going on?

[1379] Like, people just think they can just call you up.

[1380] I mean, walk up to you and give you their opinion on your material.

[1381] Like, as if you, like, I don't even know you.

[1382] We're not friends.

[1383] It's crazy.

[1384] You know, but that's who he is.

[1385] He's like, no. He's like, no. Yeah.

[1386] That's who he is.

[1387] Oh, I'm sorry.

[1388] What, is there something that I did that was offensive?

[1389] Yeah.

[1390] You know, please don't out me. Yeah.

[1391] You know, what can I, what can I do?

[1392] Don't write a blog about me. Hey, I want to keep my career Let's figure this out Let's figure this out without getting ugly You know, I believe in this movement I think it's about time Our culture needs it It's about time I wish they made a Hollywood this for everybody You know Nah, we are in the Hollywood It's for us bro We're in the comedy store Yeah, that's true We're a select group of weirdos That have figured out a way to make a live And talking shit That's true man Yeah my buddy Simon Rex always says to me mate if I'm having a tough moment he's a sweet guy and he's like dude we get to you get to do look what you get to do you get to be a white guy in a country that you know is still kind of run by white people and and you're comfortable and you have a roof over your head and you're better you know you're doing better than like you wanted to be a black guy though look I'd take a black afternoon any day of the week an afternoon only for the afternoon would I go full time I'd have to test drive at first bro but you got I mean everybody even racist people will like yell racist shit in their front yard then they'll slam the door and go practice the moonwalk in their living room like everybody I think wants to be a little bit black if you could have a pint of black blood right now or African American yeah yeah you seem a little tribal tribal yeah bro have you ever seen yourself you're fucking the closest thing we have to like yeah man I think so yes blatantly obvious dude you got dead animals in here here.

[1393] This is tribal, bro.

[1394] Bro, you learn to do a drum, bro.

[1395] You can live at any continent you want, man. In a heartbeat, man. Dio Vaughn, ladies and gentlemen.

[1396] Yeah, man, I can't believe Stephen Tyler was in here.

[1397] He reminds him sitting right where you are.

[1398] I'll stay awake.

[1399] Sitting right where you are.

[1400] Sweet emotions.

[1401] man, when I was in high school and that song would come on you'd be like, yes.

[1402] Fuck yeah.

[1403] Woo!

[1404] You roll down the window, yell out.

[1405] Oh, I can imagine that.

[1406] You're gonna burn this.

[1407] Will you ever wear a toupee?

[1408] Did you ever have one?

[1409] You never had a toupee.

[1410] I'd like to wear one right now.

[1411] I'd wear a big red one.

[1412] No. Big bushy one.

[1413] What do you listen?

[1414] What are you playing?

[1415] What is that?

[1416] Oh.

[1417] But you've got two things going on in the background.

[1418] You fucked it up.

[1419] That's porn probably opened up.

[1420] It sounds like, dude.

[1421] You got a back.

[1422] He's a human coat rack, bro.

[1423] Yeah, there's voices.

[1424] It's the music video.

[1425] But what's all the talking?

[1426] Girl talking.

[1427] How much accoutrements is Stephen Tyler have on?

[1428] Wait a minute.

[1429] In sweet emotions, is a girl talking?

[1430] The music video.

[1431] Oh.

[1432] Oh, okay.

[1433] I was so confused.

[1434] Because it's not just the song.

[1435] It's the only video I have a...

[1436] Remember loving an elevator?

[1437] Yeah.

[1438] This is a great song, though, man Look at Joe Perry Looking all sexy What year was this?

[1439] Wow This is 91, but I don't know if that's right, is it?

[1440] Could have been He reminds you of a coat rack He always has like everything If you're walking out the door I feel like Stephen Tyler has it all on, you know?

[1441] Bandanas and beads and shit Scarfs, necklaces, coat Everything, bro.

[1442] Everything.

[1443] Now I would trade, I would give anything to be Stephen Tyler does he seem like he's had a really neat life oh yeah man yeah yeah he's had a wild life and the fact that he's 70 and he's still going strong he's got an artificial knee no way yeah they've replaced his knee did he show it to you yep and they're gonna replace his other one apparently too and i asked him i'm like you're walking around fine he's like yeah but they're gonna they're gonna replace this one too i'm like you gotta like look into stem cells and regenerative medicine you might not have to replace that.

[1444] So I turned him on to some doctors.

[1445] Are you doing some of that?

[1446] You did.

[1447] What are you done?

[1448] You've done some.

[1449] Stem cells.

[1450] Yeah, like I had a full length tear in my rotator cuff.

[1451] It's gone.

[1452] The shit works.

[1453] It works.

[1454] 100%.

[1455] How much is it for a couple?

[1456] It's not cheap.

[1457] The thing is they can do it better overseas currently than they can do right here.

[1458] Yeah.

[1459] If you go to a doctor right here, there's a lot of limitations.

[1460] But they're doing things in Panama.

[1461] And I had this guy on with Mel Gibson, Dr. Neil Reardon.

[1462] Mel Gibson's dad was 92 and he was on death door, couldn't walk in a wheelchair.

[1463] Now he's 100 walking around, all stem cells.

[1464] They just juiced him up with that shit.

[1465] They hit you with it, IV, they put it into your injuries, regenerates tissue.

[1466] Now, they're doing some stuff here in America.

[1467] They're doing some tests on something called exomes.

[1468] And exomes are apparently the part of stem cells that regenerate tissue.

[1469] They're able to isolate those and put those into injuries now.

[1470] They keep getting better and better at it.

[1471] it like we're just a few generations away from that being able to completely regenerate parts of your body do you ever feel like a little bit like bum that you might not be in that generation that makes that no that cut how can we be bummed out that we're in this life this life's amazing yeah this is the greatest life in terms of if you look at this the world that we are in today is without a doubt the the best time to be alive and obviously they thought this way in the 1960s They're like, man, this is the greatest time to be alive.

[1472] Yeah.

[1473] No, if I had to tell you, hey, man, you want to go back to the 60s?

[1474] You're like, what, drum brakes and fucking shitty stereos and get out of here.

[1475] Not power steering?

[1476] Racism.

[1477] Fuck, no. The civil rights movement's still getting hosed down.

[1478] No. No, I'm not going to live in 1963.

[1479] Yeah.

[1480] But back then in 63, they're like, man, we got it made.

[1481] Refrigeration.

[1482] Yeah, they were so psyched.

[1483] Imagine when that came out.

[1484] Color TV, baby.

[1485] They were psyched.

[1486] Look at that TV.

[1487] 12 inches, bitch.

[1488] color fucking your wife on top of it woo yeah yeah you could too those things were cabinets yeah remember those things were giant those TVs they would be in those big wooden fucking boxes you'd open up the door like closet yeah to see the TV and the back was all hot there was like some fucking thing going if you touch something you get electric yeah that shit was wild there was like tubes back there they would replace the tube yeah they have like a 600 horsepower those things were fucking going bro They got hot One of them ran on gas I think my buddy had a gas powered unit Yeah, that's one And that was a modern one My grandparents had one That was in a cabinet Yes And they would The TV would die And when the TV died They put a new TV on top Of the cabinet Where the old TV sat That was 1960 minutes All it played was 60 minutes I feel like Look at that motherfucker Holy shit Introducing Revolution Big Picture Color television Yeah That was like some Rear projection shit Those always look terrible, but they were big.

[1489] Those are people who had cocaine and that were fucking, you know, Dvorsey's had that.

[1490] That cocaine movie American Made with Tom Cruise?

[1491] Oh, it's a great movie, man. Oh, wait, where he does all the stuff down in Louisiana, and he's running the planes?

[1492] Yeah, in Arkansas.

[1493] What did you say, Jen?

[1494] 25 -inch TV.

[1495] Is that what that is?

[1496] Yeah.

[1497] And everybody's talking about how big it is?

[1498] Isn't that crazy?

[1499] It looks a lot bigger.

[1500] It looks bigger than 25 inches.

[1501] They got a midget to do that.

[1502] They got a little tiny guy to do that commercial.

[1503] Look at it.

[1504] He's a tiny fellow.

[1505] And he's in the background.

[1506] He's on a step stool.

[1507] He's weighing the background.

[1508] Did they, what was something that you remember that you were like, holy shit?

[1509] Answer machines.

[1510] Yeah.

[1511] I remember answering machines were so crazy.

[1512] He's like, wait a minute.

[1513] Someone can leave a message.

[1514] I don't even have to be home.

[1515] And then there was a code that you could call in.

[1516] You would call in and you would hit like pound one, two, three or some shit.

[1517] And your answer machine would play back your message.

[1518] Remember that?

[1519] So you could call remotely and be like, yo, it's Theo, I got the mushrooms.

[1520] Yeah.

[1521] Meet me at 3 o 'clock at the 7 -Eleven.

[1522] You're like, holy shit, it's on.

[1523] Is that an answering machine right there, Jamie?

[1524] Yeah.

[1525] Yeah, that's what it was like.

[1526] It had two cassettes, the outgoing cassette and the incoming cassette.

[1527] And you'd fuck up and erase a message?

[1528] Yeah.

[1529] And you would play songs on your outgoing.

[1530] You know, it'd be like your favorite song we'll be playing.

[1531] And you'd be like, Joe, it's up.

[1532] It's Joe.

[1533] be the message You know I'm all cool over here It's shit Sweet Emotion Down down down down down down Oh that was a mini cassette That's when you were bawling Yeah Dual tape answering machine Woo look at those tiny little tapes Motherfucker I'm going digital Yeah Just fuck a girl right on top of that thing Yeah break it I remember when you hear it go off beep and you could you could listen for someone like hey man it's mike you don't call me back and you're like boy glad i didn't pick that up you could screen the calls remember that you could screen calls before that you just had to take your chances every time you picked up the phone every time you picked up the phone you were taking a chance it could be mom it could be the it could be anything could be anybody people would call your house late at night your parents would get pissed who the fuck's calling me at 11 o 'clock at night yeah we call the we call the movie theaters and listen to that voice message once the call waiting came out out, you know?

[1534] Oh, yeah.

[1535] So we'd listen to that long message from the, from the, welcome to movie phone.

[1536] Yeah.

[1537] 7 .30, 735 and 9 p .m. Yeah, that's right.

[1538] You would call up to find what time shit was playing.

[1539] Pink Cadillac will be 8, 10, and 10 .30 p .m. Yeah, you had to listen to that whole thing.

[1540] And you had to fucking remember it or write it down.

[1541] Yeah, it was the only time you could find out what was playing in the fucking movies or you get the newspaper.

[1542] Yeah.

[1543] I have to go to the newspaper, find out what you're playing.

[1544] And you trusted it and then you went there.

[1545] Yeah.

[1546] Yeah, you went there.

[1547] Dude, that was just a few years ago.

[1548] That's what's crazy.

[1549] That's unfathomable today.

[1550] If there was no more cell phones and no more internet on your phone, it would be unfathomable.

[1551] There's no turning back.

[1552] What is going to happen with us that's also no turning back that we don't have now, that we just, we're used to not having it.

[1553] So it's no big deal.

[1554] Like back in the 60s, nobody thought about cell phones and the internet because they didn't have it.

[1555] It wasn't, something they missed right what's coming i know i think what some of it is what i think it's um just like complete transparency where it's like through people's eyes you have like some sort of thing that can you know exactly like if they're being genuine or what their thoughts are you know i think so yeah i think i think that's definitely coming because the ability to read each other's minds is coming for sure because we need something to trump like people who are just full of shit Full of shit.

[1556] Yes.

[1557] And people who lie and people who don't want good, you know, or people who are too greedy.

[1558] We just needed something to do something about that.

[1559] Yeah, I think there's going to come a time where you could definitely read people's minds.

[1560] You know, they're already figuring out a way to implant memories.

[1561] Did you read that shit about that?

[1562] They've implanted memory.

[1563] They successfully implanted a memory in something.

[1564] What was the thing they implanted it then?

[1565] Do you remember?

[1566] A rat, I think.

[1567] Yeah, some animal.

[1568] Does they figure out a way...

[1569] A rat can do it?

[1570] Successfully implant a memory.

[1571] So it's going to come a point in time where it's like, someone said this is like...

[1572] Oh, sorry, see snow.

[1573] A snail.

[1574] I'm not buying that.

[1575] Yeah, I'm going to wait until the rat comes out next year.

[1576] Yeah, I'm super skeptical.

[1577] Scientists transplant memories between sea snails via injection.

[1578] Experiment shows some memories are encoded in molecules that form part of an organism's genetic machinery.

[1579] Researchers say, okay, I'm too stupid.

[1580] to know whether or not they're telling the truth, so I'm going to believe them.

[1581] I don't believe, what is this in, this is in the Guardian?

[1582] Yeah.

[1583] Well, they are, they had that therapy now, that EMDR.

[1584] Have you ever done that?

[1585] No. What's not?

[1586] Where it's like they, you hold on these paddles and they like, it's a therapy and it activates both sides of your brain while you're like remembering old things.

[1587] And then you like replace those old like fears or scary parts of you with like new, like new parts, like new ideas and new memories kind of.

[1588] and I've gone to it a couple times probably about maybe 10 times and yeah you go back into your thoughts and while it's activating both sides of your brain you can do stuff to your childhood that you weren't able to do when you were a kid because only one part of your brain was developing that's what they say huh what did you go back to what did you do it for I did it just for like you know not having like maybe like probably a father figure stuff not having like somebody to stand up for me or feeling like you know certain times in my life where I didn't have support you know and I felt like I was alone like you go back and like you plug somebody in there with you that is supportive and so while you're talking about it and this thing's open up both sides of your head it can it can help and what does it help with like going back over that stuff from your childhood what's good about doing that it it replaces that memory with the new memory right but but isn't that memory even though it's negative beneficial to you because you understand why it was bad and then once someday when you have kids you will have learned for the mistakes it's a good point like you don't want to replace a bad childhood with a good one in your brain yeah because you didn't have a good childhood right like it's okay to have a bad childhood like you've gone through that yeah I mean it's not I would think that for someone who's dealing with something extremely traumatic like childhood rape or something like that then maybe it makes sense yeah violence things along those lines something that's like haunts you all the time that's messing with you messing with your life today but like does your childhood mess with your life today?

[1589] No. So why fuck with it?

[1590] Yeah.

[1591] That's a good point.

[1592] I mean, I never even thought about that.

[1593] I guess, yeah, maybe that's stuff for people that's extremely traumatic.

[1594] Yeah.

[1595] Like I threw like a, I threw, you know, I shot an arrow and fucking hit somebody on accident or, or, no, I didn't, but if somebody did.

[1596] Oh, yeah.

[1597] Or I killed an animal with a knife or something bad or, you know, somebody killed my parents or something.

[1598] Right.

[1599] Then you could go back.

[1600] Traumatic.

[1601] Yes.

[1602] Yeah.

[1603] Yeah.

[1604] Yeah, I think that's probably a good point.

[1605] Yeah.

[1606] Yeah.

[1607] Yeah, I guess some of the stuff, it's like...

[1608] Some people, it's debilitating.

[1609] You know, their childhood, the trauma is so bad, it haunts them, and it keeps them from improving and growing as a person.

[1610] Yeah.

[1611] Like, really horrible shit.

[1612] But for us, I think it's fuel.

[1613] I think the goofiness of your and my childhood and the bad...

[1614] It's...

[1615] So it led you to become a comedian.

[1616] Really, I really think that.

[1617] You do need the struggle.

[1618] Look at you...

[1619] I mean, we talked about Joey.

[1620] I mean, Joey found his mother dead on the kitchen floor when he was 13 years.

[1621] old on acid you know Joey Diaz has been through everything he's seen it all I'm going to think that there's something to that that makes him so fucking funny you know yeah if you replaced all that childhood with like the perfect loving parents that were you know super engaged and there for him all the time and very supportive and an amazing neighborhood with no violence no crime and all this diversity everybody's super progressive you're not going to get a Joey Diaz he'd be working at cafeteria you know what I'm saying or a library and he'd be one of the hottest women they are probably too at the cafeteria you know what's something really special about him man that's been a blessing of meeting him is that like he'll call me sometimes and just like check in on me yeah he does that all the time calls me every day that's so crazy it's gonna tell you love you yeah I love you too man but it's crazy like the first time he does it you know I guess me just like not trusting things you know like my own internal thing sometimes but then after like the 10th time you're like damn man he's legit yeah like this guy really cares it's pretty cool well he doesn't like text either he thinks it's impersonal and I think he's right you know he likes to call you talk to him the phone yeah yeah I wonder what the future is gonna be like man I feel sad if we get so far away from each other that we don't know remember what it's like to have like I feel like a smile's going to be like in a museum one day you know nah I think we'll still have smiles but we might get to a point where human interaction is all done digitally that could happen but I think I think it's just, we're just going to get used to it, just like we're used to this life, and we're not living in caves anymore.

[1622] Those people that lived in caves, like, oh, it's fucking, yeah, man, I'll never want to leave this.

[1623] This is the way to go.

[1624] There's fucking idiots with their cars and their airplanes.

[1625] Like, when you live in the cave, there was no going to the Bahamas.

[1626] You're not going to the Bahamas, bitch.

[1627] You live in a cave.

[1628] This is where you live.

[1629] You can't go on vacation to Italy.

[1630] The fuck out of here.

[1631] There's no vacationing.

[1632] You live in a cave.

[1633] If you want to take your fucking family You want to take your family through the woods You're gonna get eaten by wolves You guys aren't gonna make it Every picnic it didn't just violent death You went from raspberries to just spray And blood all over each other And I think that as time goes on Like this is gonna be We're gonna look back Or someone is going something that's different than us now It's gonna look back on us Like look at these dopes With antibiotics and taking vitamins and shit These fucking morons.

[1634] Yeah, coming on each other.

[1635] Shooting loads in each other's face because they saw it in a video.

[1636] You know, like, what do they doing?

[1637] Sitting at home, jacking off like some fucking add -walled -up monkey.

[1638] Taking a break, drinking milk, trying to go back for round three.

[1639] You ever jerk off three times in a day?

[1640] Oh, I can't do.

[1641] That kind of stuff makes me sick to my stomach.

[1642] You're never that horny.

[1643] I've done it, and I've never been horny.

[1644] It's almost like I'm trying to see if I could do it.

[1645] Yeah.

[1646] It's like, you know, like you're trying to run a marathon.

[1647] stuff yeah you're getting Kaplan was he an Olympic athlete oh thought you mean the guy from Welcome Back Cotter I'm thinking of somebody else then who am I thinking of who are you thinking of I don't know Michael Spitz maybe somebody who's an episode is the Olympic guy yeah he's a swimmer yeah yeah yeah somebody that could you know somebody that just just kept doing it over and again I get I'm not even that good at I just I don't know sex is fucking retarded sometimes dude it's also crazy he fuck just banging into somebody until somebody comes there's Gabe Kaplan look at him handsome bastard he became a poker player became a professional poker player oh wow yeah yeah the ovan i gotta wrap this bitch up i gotta end yeah man look at him god it looks terrible dude thanks for having me here i love your new place thanks brother yeah it's really cool man and thanks for uh just the inspiration and stuff man my pleasure my man yeah i appreciate always good seeing you always good hanging around with you too man i'll see at the store yeah see at the store all right bye everybody see you soon Boom!