Bill Burr Returns

[0] Hi, my name's Bill Burr, and I feel honored to be the great Conan O 'Brien's close friend.

[1] Oh, God, don't do that.

[2] That he never calls.

[3] All he's here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking loose, climb the fence, books and pens.

[4] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[5] I can tell that we are going to be friends.

[6] Hello and welcome to another episode of Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend, podcast, where we just let it all hang out, I think.

[7] Does anyone say that anymore?

[8] Let it all hang out?

[9] No, literally, we're all sitting here nude.

[10] Yeah.

[11] I think that it just automatically now people think, let it all hang out like you're...

[12] Oh, it was like a term in the, like, I think that in the 70s or late 60s, they'd be like, let it all hang out, man, just be yourself.

[13] But now, of course, because people are perverted, it became a euphemism for let your penis hang out of, let your appendage hang out of its zipper, its enclosement, if you will.

[14] That's not what I meant.

[15] I'm not that kind of comedian.

[16] I meant we just act like ourselves.

[17] We just let it all happen.

[18] We let it all hang the way.

[19] A cock.

[20] My, okay.

[21] Oh, my God.

[22] So I don't know why I did that.

[23] I'm sorry.

[24] I went, uh, I had to.

[25] I had to get away from it.

[26] Then I had to go.

[27] This is a guy that gets on us for doing big dick history.

[28] I know.

[29] Um, yeah, you had to do another plug for that thing.

[30] Very important segment.

[31] I, uh, it's funny, you guys talked about, made a joke about us being nude.

[32] I, the other day, it was very hot here in Los Angeles, really hot.

[33] And you will support me on this sona.

[34] I never wear shorts.

[35] No, I very rarely see shorts.

[36] I mean, it can be, I can be in the desert.

[37] It can be like 120 degrees, and I'm always, my legs are always covered.

[38] It's dangerous.

[39] What?

[40] It's dangerous for you to wear shorts.

[41] And for onlookers.

[42] I made the mistake the other day of wearing shorts because it was so hot and we were taping the show.

[43] Martin Short was the guest, and he came out during rehearsal, and I wish you had been there for this sona because he is one of the best insult comedians of all time and we weren't even rolling tape or anything and he just told in two minutes 155 cruel jokes about my legs and me wearing shorts and I mean I can't even remember most of them because it was like a machine gun and everyone the crew everybody was howling and laughing at me Now, so you're off to summer camp.

[44] Is that the idea, you know?

[45] I'm going to go to summer camp.

[46] Is that?

[47] Well, I hope you have a good, you know.

[48] And then, now is that, those freckles, they're benign.

[49] Are they benign?

[50] Have they been chet?

[51] And just wang, wang, wang, wang, wang, wang.

[52] Oh, man. And, of course, I maintain he's, you know, funniest human being on this spinning globe.

[53] He's hilarious, but merciless.

[54] And I remembered thinking it's the one time I wore shorts.

[55] and I'm never wearing them again.

[56] Oh, okay.

[57] I don't care if it's...

[58] So he hurt your feelings a little bit.

[59] No, no, I just...

[60] It's okay if he did.

[61] No, it just...

[62] Like, he found the vulnerability.

[63] I must completely...

[64] I must immediately seal the vulnerability.

[65] You know, it's like when they built the second Death Star, they didn't build the same vulnerability again, did they, Matt?

[66] Yeah, they did.

[67] Oh, did they?

[68] Oh, yeah.

[69] It was worse.

[70] No. I'm sorry.

[71] I mean, I should have yes and it, but yeah.

[72] They did?

[73] Well, yeah, instead of just a thermal exhaust port, you could fly a full couple of ships in there and get it this time.

[74] I didn't realize that.

[75] I can't remember.

[76] I thought it blew up.

[77] I can't remember why it blew up in the second one.

[78] But I get what you're saying.

[79] I think like one time I wore a sweater with a collar on it and you lit into me and I was like, I'm never wearing that again.

[80] Why did you have that sweater?

[81] Conan?

[82] He just wanted, why do you have a sweater?

[83] shorts.

[84] Well, everyone has shorts.

[85] Yeah, but come on.

[86] You know you're going to get made fun of.

[87] Right.

[88] It's true.

[89] Here's the thing.

[90] You make fun of yourself.

[91] You're the one who always says how like pale your skin is, how many freckles you have, how freakishly long your legs are.

[92] I had a memory in camp.

[93] I was in summer camp in Freedom, New Hampshire.

[94] The year was 1974, I think.

[95] And I'll never forget, the food wasn't great on this camping trip.

[96] And I remember they, uh, someone lopped off a giant slice of spam and dropped it into a frying pan.

[97] And I looked at it and then I looked at my legs and realized that they look exactly the same.

[98] If you want to know what my bare flesh looks like open, any can of spam from like the 1940s.

[99] I've heard you reference spam for your flesh before, but I didn't realize there was an actual origin story.

[100] Yeah, there was an origin story.

[101] I remember looking at it and then looking at my leg and being really bummed out and then taking a bite out of my leg and realizing it tastes very similar to spam.

[102] I'm not saying this to make fun of you.

[103] But I just thought that during the summer, especially when it's really hot, you have to be covered, like, head to toe to wear a hat and, like, long pants and like UV protection shirts, which I didn't even know existed until I started working for you.

[104] And bought them in bulk.

[105] I do have UV protection shirts stashed everywhere.

[106] Yeah.

[107] The way an alcoholic hides bottles, I have UV protection shirt stash.

[108] You know in those any after -school movie or whatever when they depict someone who's got a drinking problem?

[109] You know, it's always someone opens a closet or something and there's all these empty vodka bottles.

[110] That's what it's like for me. But it's cut off sleeves.

[111] It's just the sleeve that comes up that you can buy from some company.

[112] And they're called like gloody -dudies and you pull them on and they cover just your sleeves.

[113] Glutie -duty.

[114] And I've got all those loose -fitting shirts that all those companies make.

[115] And I've got SPF 50 stashed everywhere.

[116] I know.

[117] It's not your fault.

[118] It's not my fault.

[119] God did it to me. A cruel God.

[120] A very cruel God.

[121] Well, I'm going to have a guest today who understands my pain.

[122] That's true.

[123] You are.

[124] Yeah.

[125] And this is, and maybe, you know, he'll understand.

[126] My guest today is a hilarious comedian and co -creator of the Netflix series F is for family.

[127] He's now on a comedy tour across the country.

[128] And tickets can be found at Bill.

[129] Bill Burr .com.

[130] I'm thrilled.

[131] He's with us today.

[132] Bill Burr, welcome.

[133] Last time you were on, you said, you felt great and you only said that you felt great because you knew that I couldn't take a compliment, that it causes me pain and humiliation.

[134] You know, it's funny, I forgot that I said that, and that was my thought when I said great this time.

[135] You and I are made of such similar stuff.

[136] You understand, so I walked in the door, and you looked up at me, and you went, Jesus.

[137] And I went, Jesus.

[138] No, you said it first.

[139] Oh, I said it first.

[140] Okay.

[141] I walk in and I see you and I go, Jesus.

[142] And you say, Jesus, that's all I grew up hearing anybody say when they saw anybody else, good, bad, or indifferent was Jesus.

[143] Oh, Jesus.

[144] That was the one.

[145] That can mean like, oh, Jesus.

[146] I don't like this guy.

[147] Or that can be like, I love this guy, but I'm just not allowed to say that.

[148] Yes.

[149] Jesus was everything.

[150] It was just Jesus.

[151] Jesus.

[152] Oh, look at this character.

[153] Oh, God.

[154] Look at this guy.

[155] That's another one could go anyway.

[156] Look at this character.

[157] I knew so many people who weren't funny, but their way of being funny was anyone would walk in the room and go, oh, Jesus, look at this guy coming in here.

[158] Look at this guy.

[159] Oh, God, now we're in for it.

[160] You're like, well, there's no joke there.

[161] There's nothing there, and they'd be like, oh, God, Jesus.

[162] Oh, God, here comes this guy.

[163] Oh, God, oh, boy.

[164] Oh, here comes trouble.

[165] Here comes trouble.

[166] Look at this guy.

[167] Hide your wallets.

[168] It was just like, it was just standard.

[169] that just like just lines that just fit yeah also you know in a bit like that one time uh Colin Quinn he used to do all of those those social stupid things that people say yep one of my favorite ones that he did was the and you know me like you just like like the arrogant guy and you know me you know I'm not it's like no I don't really know you I don't know you yeah like I don't know you and I don't care to know you or you know how I am or whatever it's just like yeah I liked ever since he's done that bit I kind of realized that I kind of realized How many people do it and how self -serving it is.

[170] Oh, boy, you know me. You know me and me. Oh, go, don't get me started because you know me. Yeah.

[171] There's another thing, I knew a producer.

[172] You know me, I don't give a fuck.

[173] I've never met you before in my life.

[174] That's why I'm bringing it up.

[175] I knew a producer when I first came out to L .A., one of my first jobs, and the guy didn't have a sense of humor, and he'd just be like, oh, look at this guy here.

[176] Whenever I came into a room, look at this guy, look at this, uh -oh, firecracker.

[177] What are you talking about?

[178] You've not described my personality in any way.

[179] I'm not a firecracker.

[180] You don't need to look out.

[181] It's filler.

[182] It's filling the awkwardness of coming in there.

[183] He probably knows he isn't funny.

[184] He knows he isn't good at small talk.

[185] So he's just accepted it and it's his autopilot dialogue.

[186] But, you know, I realize.

[187] It's like what Matthew McConaughey.

[188] He goes, all right, all right, all right.

[189] That's just him dealing with being famous in getting from the car to whatever the fuck he's going.

[190] And you're like, okay, he just goes, all right, all right, all right.

[191] And he just plows through it.

[192] I have found, and I hate to admit this, but I have found that if I quickly meet a group of people and they're like, oh, Cohen, and I go, oh, hey, how you doing?

[193] If there's four of them, I'll say to three of them, nice, make you, and then the last one, I'll be like, I don't know about this guy, not so sure about him.

[194] And the first three are like, oh, that's great.

[195] Oh, that's great.

[196] And I shouldn't admit that because it works every time.

[197] You make the escape during the laugh.

[198] I make the escape during the laugh.

[199] That's when I get away.

[200] That's when I get in the car.

[201] car really quickly and I go.

[202] But if you pick one guy and you go negative hard on him for no reason, the other three like it.

[203] They love it.

[204] And I don't understand.

[205] They have status now.

[206] Yeah.

[207] They have more frequent flyer miles in their conversation with you.

[208] Yeah.

[209] They're like, oh man, Conan really ripped Matt a new asshole.

[210] Matt, well, what did Matt, you know, what's, I don't know about Nick.

[211] Matt's and coach, they got bumped up to business class.

[212] Yeah.

[213] They feel great.

[214] And you just kept going.

[215] Nice meeting you guys.

[216] But Nick, I don't know about Nick.

[217] Oh, man, you should have seen him rip Nick and new asshole.

[218] He fucking tore Nick apart.

[219] Did he?

[220] All he did was say, I'm not so sure about Nick.

[221] Seconds after learning he even existed.

[222] Dude, he smelled it on you.

[223] Oh, man. He just knew who you were.

[224] He got you.

[225] He fucking roasted you.

[226] Yeah.

[227] That's a very overly used word now.

[228] Roasted.

[229] Yep.

[230] Roasted is an art and it's like it takes time to really roast somebody.

[231] Preparation and jokes and all of that.

[232] It's just if somebody just came by and, you know, shit, they're just shitting on you.

[233] Yeah.

[234] There's shitting on you, which is actually more insulting than being roasted because somebody cared enough to sit down and get some writers and pretend that they said it, right?

[235] That's how most people do it.

[236] Just shitting on somebody.

[237] Yes.

[238] That can just, you know, that's just the first thing.

[239] Hey, look at your fucking shirt.

[240] I saw.

[241] Yeah.

[242] Well, I noticed this a lot, too.

[243] If you look at how the media covers late night shows, I just noticed that there are.

[244] always some late night hosts will just do kind of us like, more or less say, yeah, you know, Ted Cruz or somebody's, you know, he's not my cup of tea or something.

[245] And then you'll read on one of the online things, host, roasts Ted Cruz.

[246] I hate that.

[247] And you're like, and then you look at what he said.

[248] And you go like, not really, but it's all, you know, you got to get clickbait.

[249] And it's just, and also take down, total takedown of Trump.

[250] That's that, but that's used straight.

[251] That's used on animal videos, too, because I was watching one the other day.

[252] They actually do take each other down.

[253] No, but there was one.

[254] I wanted to see something, if anything, if an orangutan had a natural predator.

[255] I don't know why I got, I was watching every which way you can.

[256] And then I just started looking up orangutan, and I just wanted to see if it had a natural predator.

[257] And somebody went down this, and I forget what animal it was, but it says, you know, it absolutely, you know, destroys the orangutan, and nothing happened.

[258] Although it was one, it said, you know, Wolverine.

[259] destroys wolf.

[260] And what really came up was the wolf came up, bit it a couple times, and then just realized it was more trouble than it was worth.

[261] But the Wolverine didn't really do anything to him other than just be a pain in the ass.

[262] And it went away.

[263] But the title, you would have thought it was just like, oh man, this Wolverine's going to somehow hang on to, I mean, this wolf's going to hang on to this Wolverine, take the punishment and kill it.

[264] Like usually.

[265] But they got you to watch the whole video.

[266] And I think that's the essence now of our discourse in the United States.

[267] is everyone's roasting, taking down, and destroying someone else.

[268] And then you look at it and they're more or less just saying, you know, I don't really agree with what he did.

[269] I don't really agree with their policy.

[270] The best is when, I like when they take, with comedians, they'll take something you said on a podcast or your material and then they shoehorn it into their political opinion.

[271] Yeah, yeah.

[272] And then they act like you said it.

[273] And they're like, wow, I never thought of it that way.

[274] It's like, no, this is how you think.

[275] And now you're trying to make it seem like I said that.

[276] And it's one of those things you can't jump in and say that's not what I meant because then you just, it's not worth it.

[277] It's said a lot nowadays.

[278] It's not worth it.

[279] Don't get involved.

[280] If you pay attention to it's strange.

[281] If you don't, the world is exactly the way it's always been.

[282] Yeah.

[283] My advice to everyone listening is really don't pay close attention is really don't pay close attention to what's happening in the world.

[284] Most problems work themselves out, not global warming, but it's too big a problem.

[285] I can't think about it.

[286] You know, just don't pay too close attention to what's happening in the world.

[287] That's a bad message, isn't it?

[288] only way to protect yourself.

[289] I've just gone back and I'm watching all these movies from the 70s because that was a great time for me because I was young and all.

[290] It wasn't a great time for most people, but it was great time for me where I was just a kid and I just had a paper route and I collected football cards.

[291] So I go back then, I see the cars, I see the movies, I see the price of gas and I just sort of tune out what's going on now.

[292] It's a way to kind of combat the real bad stuff that is happening and then the chicken little bullshit where everything gets so blown out of proportion now just because they need people to look at what they're, you know, what they're trying to get you to click on.

[293] So I actually stumbled across some good movies.

[294] You know what I saw that I'd never seen?

[295] What?

[296] Was straight time with Dustin Hoffman.

[297] I'd never seen that.

[298] I don't know if I've got to seen that movie.

[299] Okay, okay, straight time with Dustin Hoffman.

[300] I'm going to write that time.

[301] Oh my God, is that a great movie?

[302] I just noticed things were, they just looked shitty in the 70s.

[303] They just did.

[304] When I was growing up, all cops, you know, that I would see.

[305] all the Boston cops were heavy guys that just didn't look happy or look good.

[306] And now I walk around, policemen for the most part are in very good shape.

[307] You know, something changed.

[308] Yeah, they have Instagram pages.

[309] Yeah.

[310] When they're not wearing the uniform, it's like, what's up with those man titch, you fat fuck?

[311] So now they all, they get, everybody's getting shamed on, uh, dude, I'm wearing a hoodie right now because even just the weight I am right now because we had three birthdays in my family this month.

[312] So I've been eating cake like almost every single night, which has been great.

[313] But, you know, my age, it's just over.

[314] So I put on, you know, put on like 10 pounds or something.

[315] So now I'm shaming myself wearing the hoodie until I get into T -shirt shape.

[316] Here's the thing that happens to me. I see it because, you know, when we, during this process of like wrapping up the nightly show after all these years, I'm just constantly exposed to videotape of me over the years.

[317] And I can see, oh, yeah, in COVID, I guess.

[318] gained some weight.

[319] And what happens to me, and it's an Irish curse, is your face gets rounder and my cheekbones disappear.

[320] And I look at my face and I have such self -hatred and I'll see it and I'll go, you fat fuck.

[321] Did you like that?

[322] Did you enjoy that food during COVID?

[323] You fat fuck.

[324] And I'm talking about myself.

[325] Hey, you fat -faced fuck.

[326] You look like Daniel Patrick Moyni.

[327] Can't go for a In such a bullying time that their voices, they've left us decades ago, but their voice is on a loop.

[328] Right.

[329] Your parents, the jerk on your paper route, the bullies, all of that is like on a loop.

[330] So I'm interested to see where this new way of doing things is going to go.

[331] What do you mean the new way?

[332] Well, having fat people on billboards and being called heroes and stuff, they're just going the complete other direction.

[333] Like where that leads.

[334] People calling them heroes?

[335] Yeah.

[336] I think people are not shaming them, but who's saying you took that burger so I could live?

[337] Who's acting like they're heroes?

[338] You know what I mean.

[339] You know what I mean.

[340] You know how bad.

[341] You know me. You know how we got it, how bad we got it.

[342] And we were in shape.

[343] And because we were orange people, what happened to us?

[344] Like, everybody got it back in the day.

[345] And now, like, not only are they, you can't give anybody any shit.

[346] I mean, you're basically preventing them from getting, you know, early onset diabetes with the fat shaming.

[347] You really are.

[348] That's what you're doing.

[349] You're, you're, it's not your motivation.

[350] It's just because you, you don't like your parents or something so you attack the fat kid.

[351] But in a way, you're helping them out.

[352] And I don't think putting them up on the billboard, sharing them on to continue eating these hostess cupcakes is the way to go.

[353] First of all, you know.

[354] I'm fucking around.

[355] You're fucking around.

[356] Okay.

[357] You know, but you know what?

[358] It was a different time.

[359] I, there's, you were just talking right now about it was the 70s and I was in a summer camp and I really was unhappy and the counselors weren't nice.

[360] It was this camp up in Maine.

[361] I'm not going to name it.

[362] No one was nice.

[363] No one was nice in the 70s.

[364] And what happened was I remembered my, the sunblock had just come out.

[365] And literally in the previous.

[366] summers when I went to camp, I got so badly burned because I'm a red -haired guy in the sun because I had no...

[367] Dude, he looks like a lobster.

[368] You look like a lobster.

[369] And I remembered, oh, we're going out on the water.

[370] We're going to get in these aluminum canoes.

[371] I'm going to cook.

[372] So I ran up to my cabin and I quickly put on some sun protection on my legs.

[373] And I went down and the guy who ran the boating expedition, the counselor, who must have been about...

[374] 20 years old was like, well, well, well, look who's late.

[375] Why were you late?

[376] And I said, well, you know, I had to put on my son, my son, oh, he had to put on his son.

[377] And he got all the kids to laugh at me. And I'm like, no, I just, it's so the son.

[378] Oh, the son.

[379] And just I thought, today that's a lawsuit.

[380] But back then, that was just called.

[381] Will you do a senior?

[382] And come a board, Mary?

[383] Yeah.

[384] No, it was, it was just non.

[385] Oh, don't you like, you think you're ready now to get on the ball?

[386] Would you like a parasol?

[387] Yeah.

[388] Oh my God.

[389] Hey, how's precious doing?

[390] Do we need to go ashore?

[391] Yeah, it was all, it all was that.

[392] So.

[393] It was.

[394] I mean, I have a hard time describing that to, I don't know.

[395] I'm finding, though, it's just becoming like this overcorrection where, you know, there was some, some scandal and one of the people was a gatekeeper.

[396] You know, it's all the same story.

[397] These are all the, you're a gatekeeper.

[398] It's just like, no, it's just like my fucking job to watch people.

[399] And if I feel it's like what my boss, who I work for, they're acting like, they're up.

[400] You're like, ah, I'm not going to make your dream come true.

[401] They were just saying like, dude, I showed up and they were like, you know, we already have enough freckled face jerkoffs, you know?

[402] And it's just like, dude, that's a bad example.

[403] But like, that's how casting directors talk.

[404] Right.

[405] Like when you walk up, what, if you look like a plumber, like that's what, that's all thinking, they're just going plumber, plumber, plumber, until you start talking and they get to know you, it's your job to get yourself out of there.

[406] It's like, you know, my whole fucking acting career.

[407] I know.

[408] Your acting career, the second I showed up, they're like, oh, doesn't get the girl, doesn't know how to, doesn't know how to fight, firemen, cop.

[409] You know what I love.

[410] Until I lost my hair and then the UFC came along, so everybody like, you shave your head, people, you know, it's all in the ears.

[411] If you know the cauliflower ears, they know you can't fight your way of a wet paper, But wasn't it like Vince Gilligan?

[412] I have podcaster ears.

[413] You must be a podcaster.

[414] Your ears are pristine.

[415] Vince Gilligan.

[416] Vince Gilligan saw you and knew like for Breaking Bad.

[417] He saw that he didn't put you in like a narrow slot.

[418] He didn't put you.

[419] He didn't.

[420] He gave me the role that I always wanted to do.

[421] And what was great about it is, I worked with Lavelle Crawford and he was such a physical presence the fun working with him was I didn't have to be tough then because it was just I was just brokering like listen you don't want to deal with this guy let's just let's that Benicki scene that's all that was like this is what's going to happen blah blah blah and we're going to keep this guy happy so then I didn't have to do all of that stuff but I still got to be this sort of guy that goes around you know dirtbag like threatening people and it was so much fun.

[422] So it was your dream to be a dirt bag, threatening people?

[423] Well, yeah, just being the guy that does everything right.

[424] I mean, you're going to end up driving like an ice cream truck in a movie.

[425] Who wants to do it?

[426] I mean, I want to be driving the starski and hutch car.

[427] At least be the guy.

[428] Like, one of my dreams acting gig is I always wanted to be the perp getting chased down an alley that throws the trash can down.

[429] And then right when you get to the chain link fence, they grab you and you're like, Then they interrogate you.

[430] You get halfway up the chain link fence, but they grab you by your waist.

[431] and they drag you down, and you're like, no!

[432] Yeah, then I got to become the dirtbag informant, and they start pulling me out in daylight because I'm not giving them all they want.

[433] Like, come on, man, you can't be coming up to me out here, man. Maybe I'm using, like, who didn't, I love that character.

[434] I always wanted to, what's great about those.

[435] I love it.

[436] That's what, I love you at eight, nine, ten years old paper route, looking up at the screen and saying, that's me. I'm the guy that they're dragging into daylight so that everyone else will know I'm a snitch and I'll get the shit kicked out of me. That's what I want to be.

[437] Yeah, I don't see any fun in playing the cool guy ever.

[438] Right.

[439] It's just like, and I also don't think like, you know what it really is, is it's how I look.

[440] So what I've learned, the key to acting is like, if you don't look like these beautiful people, is you just steer into, you know, your shortcomings.

[441] You just steer into them.

[442] Right, right.

[443] So I sort of like, you know, with some of the acting gays I got lately, like when I come into hair and makeup, I just go, okay, my head's a blank slate.

[444] Like, how dumb can we, I did something for this kid, Tyler Falbo, we did this thing that we sold on Quibi and then they went under, we're going to see where it's going to land.

[445] But I did, it was this guy who was basically stuck in the 90s.

[446] So I had those really bad 90s hair plugs.

[447] You remember those antlet things?

[448] So they gave me, remember the guys would just get like a line of them and then they'd run out of money and then try to grow them back?

[449] So it was like, I had those with like, you know, the thing, the stuff on the side and then sort of like a mullet and a bad, like tribal tattoo peaking out.

[450] And it's just like I find, I don't know, those are the guys.

[451] I kind of like watching, another thing great about watching 70s movies is like the character actors and what they added to scenes and stuff while the movie star was in there.

[452] You know, I watched some Clint stuff.

[453] So a lot of like Jeffrey Lewis in there and Harry Dean Stanton and just guys like that.

[454] And then I think coming out of all of that would be Philip Seymour Hoffman.

[455] Like he has a movie, I can't even get through it.

[456] His character is so excruciating.

[457] I had to watch it in 10 -minute clips.

[458] I forget it.

[459] He was a banker with a gambling problem.

[460] And he starts taking money out of the bank gambling.

[461] And he's just every time you just like, you start getting caught up in his gambling.

[462] Like you're rooting for him to win.

[463] And of course, he starts winning.

[464] And you're like, you know, cash out.

[465] Go back to the fucking room.

[466] And he wouldn't.

[467] I got about 50 minutes into it.

[468] And I never finished it.

[469] It's like Sandler in Uncut Gems.

[470] I don't know if you saw that.

[471] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[472] It was so good, but you're rooting for him to go further into his addiction and then get out just in time.

[473] Oh, that last, the last bet that he has, the last bet that he had.

[474] I mean, I was watching the game with him.

[475] But you know, it's funny.

[476] There's stuff too.

[477] Nick Kroll came on my show once early on, and he did a bit where he imitated a guy and a 70s movie eating and he was like a dirt bag detective but in the 70s things weren't as cleaned up as they are now in movies you know now we depict wealth a lot we depict people being beautiful with this and and Nick Kroll does this great impression of a guy and he's just talking and he's in a shitty diner somewhere he's in Boston or he's in New York and he's not in he's talking and he maybe he's a cop maybe he's a and he's talking and he's just jamming fries and so he brought fries out and he was just jamming him.

[478] Do you remember that?

[479] He was jamming to his mouth and talking at the same time.

[480] And I thought, you're right.

[481] That is every movie in the 70s is someone pushing greasy, unhealthy food into their mouth while they're telling you about the deal, what's going to happen with the deal and shoving.

[482] A pet peeve of mine is actors eating in scenes?

[483] Yes, because they don't eat.

[484] They don't eat.

[485] No, but they do eat.

[486] They overact eating.

[487] Oh, yeah.

[488] And it's like, can you close your fucking mouth.

[489] I don't need to hear.

[490] you're smacking that whatever the fuck it is you're eating and Dolby surrounds out of kids.

[491] Which, by the way, scares this shit out of kids.

[492] I took my daughter, she's four years old, to go see one of those Snoopy movies, some rated G thing.

[493] And first of all, you get in there, it's pitch black.

[494] And then, because they know the parents are there, they're trying to get you to see the PG, they show PG trailers, but there's like people dying, and there's bad people.

[495] It's scary.

[496] I had to pull her out.

[497] But we got like a toy story it was.

[498] And then she'd actually seen it at home.

[499] But because we were in the dark and it was so loud that by the time Sid came along, she's like, Dad, I don't want to see Sid.

[500] I go, you don't want to see Sid?

[501] She goes, no, Sid's a bad guy.

[502] Yeah.

[503] And it's so loud that it's overpowered.

[504] I was like, all right, let's get out of here.

[505] You and I have this shared obsession about the 70s and we go back and forth.

[506] We text each other.

[507] Oh, I know where this is going.

[508] Well, we got into a thing where you started talking about how Chips is one of the great TV shows of all time, and I responded, no, no, no, Chips is an absolute piece of shit.

[509] And I think we both overstated.

[510] We probably both overstated.

[511] I love shows.

[512] You know, L .A. has changed so much and they don't give a shit about history.

[513] RFK was shot right down at the Ambassador Hotel.

[514] They knocked that fucking thing down.

[515] Oh, I didn't know that.

[516] It's like a little kid school now.

[517] You go to Dallas.

[518] They went too far.

[519] It's like, you step into the Zepruda film.

[520] They haven't changed anything.

[521] They've got a ride you can take.

[522] Yeah, they have like an ex.

[523] In Dehly Plaza, you can get in a car and you can drive through.

[524] They shoot you with paintballs.

[525] They shoot you with paintballs.

[526] And yeah, and then you go, I want to go around again.

[527] You know.

[528] I want to be Jackie this time.

[529] It's awful.

[530] It's awful.

[531] And apologies to everyone, but this is what it is.

[532] This is what it is.

[533] But here.

[534] But I'm telling you, every show was the sergeant or whoever getting them all and saying, guys, we got a problem.

[535] And Punch and John and everyone's, they kid around first and they, they're going to be in the disco contest, you know.

[536] Yeah, maybe I had Pontch is like, yeah, yeah, I'll be in a disco contest.

[537] Ponce, you can't disco dance.

[538] Hey, you'll see, I'll show you guys.

[539] Another show did the same thing called Hill Street Blues.

[540] But because it was in New York, oh, it's so gritty.

[541] It was the same show.

[542] It was the same show.

[543] It was not the same show.

[544] You're out of your fucking mind.

[545] It's not the same show.

[546] Hey, guys, be careful out there.

[547] He had a catchphrase.

[548] That's fine.

[549] And then the crazy guy with the black hat and what?

[550] With the mustache biting on people.

[551] No, what are you talking about?

[552] Hill Street Blues is nuanced citizen cane.

[553] They had that Southern guy in that leather coat.

[554] Oh, you're right.

[555] You're right.

[556] You're right.

[557] You're right.

[558] I'm from Texas.

[559] I became a New York fucking police officer.

[560] Oh my God.

[561] This is so great.

[562] You can shit on anything.

[563] Chips had the first fucking trans guy.

[564] They didn't even know it.

[565] They had Bruce Jenner.

[566] She, Caitlin.

[567] Well, he, Bruce, you can see the he.

[568] Caitlin.

[569] They.

[570] I'm beyond you on pronouns.

[571] Damn it.

[572] My point is this.

[573] That was the bear claw on top of the pet.

[574] Hey, you just yelled they, and that wins the whole pronoun thing.

[575] I retreat.

[576] But my point is this.

[577] You watch chips, and the big flaw of the show is that the guy always says, okay, there's a problem.

[578] And they're like, what's the problem?

[579] someone's robbing jewelry on the highway from trucks.

[580] It happens.

[581] It doesn't happen.

[582] No crimes have ever been committed.

[583] I'm in.

[584] I got to see the episode.

[585] Every single episode, there's like, there's art heists, and it's happening on the highway.

[586] There's a forgery ring.

[587] Oh, do they have a warehouse?

[588] Should we go raid it?

[589] Let's go raid their warehouse.

[590] Did you want addition for the show?

[591] They're on moving trucks.

[592] They forge on moving trucks at 65 miles an hour, and the only people that can bring them down are two guys.

[593] on motorcycles.

[594] You know what I like?

[595] You know what my favorite thing about that?

[596] I did audition and I got turned down.

[597] Was when they would have like, first of all, whenever they would show them, if they did a wide shot of the traffic, could clearly see that they were driving maybe 18 miles an hour.

[598] Everybody was sort of like in formation.

[599] And then my favorite thing was when they would have the car pile up, like the 20 -something car pile up on a clear day.

[600] Every, just slamming in Georgia.

[601] At the end, there was still that guy in the end who still does.

[602] doesn't see the whole highway is full of crash cars, hits it full speed.

[603] Yes.

[604] And inexplicably, not only launches himself over the pot, the audio, he's still on the gas.

[605] It's going, no, no, no, Bill, what younger...

[606] I was just figured he had like a heart attack.

[607] No, no. What younger listeners don't know is that the way we drove cars in the 70s is we would put a cinder block on the gas pedal, and then we would climb into the back seat.

[608] Yeah.

[609] And we would...

[610] The first Tesla.

[611] Yeah.

[612] That's what we...

[613] did back then.

[614] That's the way things worked.

[615] Maybe you were too mature.

[616] That's what it is.

[617] You were an elitist.

[618] You were on your way to your Ivy League school.

[619] Look at this drivel.

[620] I'm going to write for the tasty spoon or whatever the fuck it's called, right?

[621] There's no place called the tasty spoon.

[622] That was the hamburger joint.

[623] Whatever the fuck it was.

[624] Tasty pudding.

[625] No, no. That's not.

[626] I never worked with those people.

[627] Whatever the fuck.

[628] Yeah.

[629] You look it down.

[630] That was the worst.

[631] I looked down on them.

[632] Whatever that was, whatever.

[633] I got my sauce.

[634] Father, I wish to go to Harvard.

[635] Why is that, son?

[636] I wish to write for the tasty spoon.

[637] My first treatise would be on the flaws in chips.

[638] Mistakes made.

[639] I wasn't doing well.

[640] I got a D in math and was pulled out of Little League baseball.

[641] And my dad had a one for all and all for one.

[642] And all of us, all the kids had to leave sports.

[643] And then he was antisocial.

[644] So then we never went back to him.

[645] and my D and Math ended it so I mean I needed something to pick me up so I didn't feel like thinking right right so I watched it and then who's cooler than Frank Pontcherello he was tan he had pigment he had nice fucking white teeth he was good looking guy crushing ass he's a very good good good guy it was great and he was right next to the prototypical good looking Hollywood guy the blonde hair blue eye dude and he was getting all the ass it was very progressive and he had Bruce Jenner pre -Katlin talk to me about Hill Street blues talk me about that Where's he on, on Houston Street down there And get the crazy guy with the black hat Come on, I'm fucking with you Because I love Hill Street Blues I actually have the theme song on my phone You do?

[646] Yeah, I love it.

[647] I love it.

[648] What do you have it on your phone?

[649] I want to hear it.

[650] I feel like you don't believe me. No, I believe you.

[651] You know, it's another great one?

[652] You know what's funny?

[653] The dirty hairy soundtrack is a great one.

[654] That's a great one.

[655] But you know what I have on my, I swear to God I have this on my phone too.

[656] It's great.

[657] I shut my phone off because I'm a professional, unlike yourself.

[658] Oh, well, I don't believe in that.

[659] You've been doing this a long.

[660] Dude, your glasses stick enough.

[661] Would you get those from your sister?

[662] I'm trying to make my face look less fat.

[663] He's over there, dying and his stalking.

[664] I'm making my face less fat.

[665] I have the...

[666] I've needed glasses for at least eight years, and I refuse to get them.

[667] Oh, really?

[668] Yeah, just feeling it makes your eyes weaker.

[669] Because I feel like once you start wearing them, your eyes adjust to that and then you take them off.

[670] Right.

[671] So you're just going to not see stuff.

[672] That's great.

[673] That's great.

[674] I wish I could not hear some things, if you know what I mean.

[675] I know what you mean.

[676] I hear you loud and clear that.

[677] I hear you loud and clear, buddy.

[678] All I have now is the Jefferson's taxi.

[679] You know who wrote the theme song and sang it?

[680] Was the one who played Walona, the neighbor on Good Times.

[681] Oh, she wrote and played.

[682] And sang that song, the greatest song ever.

[683] How talented was she?

[684] Rest of Salt, she just passed away.

[685] Sanford and Sun theme, one of the great themes of all time.

[686] That's Quincy Jones.

[687] Dude, I swear to God, I had it.

[688] The opening music in the 70s was fantastic.

[689] Do you have that on your friend?

[690] Do you listen to that when you're like on the treadmill?

[691] No, tonight, ladies and gentlemen, the San Diego Chargers versus the Buffaloville.

[692] Because of that, man. Right there.

[693] Arendthinal James Simpson, 200 yards last week, 180 yards this week.

[694] It was the most exciting fucking thing when Howard CoSell would do the fucking highlights.

[695] Oh my God, I get chills.

[696] I get chills when I listen to that.

[697] I can't find this.

[698] I have a theme from F -Troop.

[699] I don't know why.

[700] I never got into that show.

[701] It's ridiculous.

[702] It's absurd.

[703] And it's...

[704] Why can't you be that kind of chips?

[705] You know what?

[706] I'll give chips another chance.

[707] Because there aren't horses instead of motorcycles?

[708] You forgive him?

[709] No, I'll give it up for punch.

[710] I give it up for Estrada.

[711] He's great.

[712] He's true of it.

[713] You know, one of the coolest things that ever happened to me is a stand -up.

[714] I did a benefit for the LAPDs, and I showed up.

[715] It was during the day, and I was like, oh, I don't know how this is going to go.

[716] And I ended up being great.

[717] We had a great time, and I was standing up there.

[718] and when I looked in the crowd, Frank Poncherella, Eric Estrada was there because he still has like a connection with those guys from doing the stuff all the years.

[719] And I looked at him, I'm going to give him a little nod.

[720] He gave me the smile, gave me the nod back.

[721] Isn't that nice?

[722] Yeah, but I had to leave because I had something to do so I didn't get to say hello to him.

[723] There's a restaurant.

[724] And I could have said, despite what Conan thinks.

[725] Oh, come on!

[726] I have a great respect for Eric Estrada.

[727] I just think the writers were doing a lot of Coke.

[728] I think they were trapped.

[729] They were trapped.

[730] All the crimes had to be committed on moving vehicles going 65 miles an hour.

[731] Can you imagine the fun they had in that writer's room, pitching show ideas?

[732] All right, this guy, uh, he steals waterbeds.

[733] He does it on the 101.

[734] He steals him on the 134, but then he takes him to the 101.

[735] The only way we can catch him is if only we had policemen.

[736] He's an environmentalist.

[737] He steals the waterbeds and then he empties them in the L .A. Let's fucking reboot the series.

[738] And we'll do it the way you want.

[739] I wanted, I wanted to be, hey, this time we do it right.

[740] That was a big 70s thing.

[741] Come on, Conan, what do you say?

[742] One more time.

[743] One more time.

[744] And this time.

[745] This time we do it right.

[746] We do it right.

[747] We do it for punch.

[748] We, do even know what we're talking about, Sona.

[749] Do you know these shows?

[750] Do you know chips?

[751] I know chips.

[752] I might be too hard on chips.

[753] I might be.

[754] I don't remember a lot of it, but I do remember it was a lot of crimes on, on like, wheels.

[755] Right.

[756] Art Forger's.

[757] that would paint the forged art in a moving truck.

[758] Yeah.

[759] Which, you know, I don't know, it got to me. It got to me and I probably overreacted.

[760] But look, I just, you're acting like they won awards.

[761] They didn't.

[762] Okay?

[763] These guys, they got health insurance.

[764] People enjoyed what happened.

[765] I mean, you got to, like, look at it for what it is.

[766] You're right.

[767] You can't get mad that pop music isn't Frank Zappa or Miles Davis, where the hell you're into.

[768] You got to look.

[769] You pretty much nailed it there, buddy boy.

[770] You know, at the tasty spoon, the only music we'd listen to was Zappa and Miles Davis.

[771] We deconstructed the masterpiece that was F -Troop.

[772] This guy's wacky.

[773] He wears his cowboy head sideways.

[774] I was a child.

[775] No wonder I didn't get into fucking Harvard.

[776] I thought it was because I was dumb.

[777] I was just watching the wrong shows.

[778] Would you guys like these shows now?

[779] Or is it nostalgia?

[780] Like liking chips and the F -Trope and...

[781] Do you know what's great about those shows is they weren't trying to be ironic.

[782] They weren't trying to ironically be cheesy.

[783] And I find that a lot of stuff nowadays is like that, that whole, it's so bad, it's good thing.

[784] Yeah, I agree with you.

[785] And then people started writing towards that.

[786] And I thought there was sort of a bad period in writing comedy where the mainstream was, everything was awkward.

[787] This happens, then this happens, and then it's just awkward.

[788] So then you didn't really have to write a punchline.

[789] you just sort of have every head and sit around like oh okay would you like some more salad i mean just everything just sort of ended like that and um i uh that's why an f troop every week someone would the cannon wouldn't go off and then someone would frustrate out of frustration kick it one of the wheels would fall off it would go sideways it would shoot the tower and the tower would fall and a guy would have to jump and i thought when i was seven years old and they were watching reruns i thought that was the funniest thing in the world i just thought was hilarious.

[790] They weren't trying anything other than just to amuse me. But yeah, what was the subtext of that?

[791] That white people aren't that guilty because we were just these fumbling, bumbling idiots.

[792] Yep.

[793] So how dumb must have been the Native Americans.

[794] But they weren't Native Americans.

[795] They were Italian men.

[796] That's what makes it, it's more anti -Italian than anything else, if you think about it.

[797] F -Troop is anti -Itat.

[798] It's Italians that are so confused they think they're Native Americans.

[799] I know.

[800] There was, oh yeah, I saw, oh, yeah, I saw, old Hawaii 5 -0 one time.

[801] The perp they were going after was Asian.

[802] And they're on the, they're on, they're in Hawaii.

[803] Right.

[804] They could at least just hired a Hawaiian, but instead, no, they still hired a sort of tan white guy.

[805] And I don't know what sort of invisible tape they put to try to make his eyes look Asian, but it was making my eyes.

[806] Well, I couldn't, like, it was just.

[807] Yeah, it happened.

[808] That's what was, that was in the movies and on television.

[809] I mean, anyone who watches Breakfast at Tiffany's now and sees Mickey Rooney, do they even show that movie anymore?

[810] excise that part?

[811] Like, there's no way.

[812] I don't believe that, it's a weird thing where I don't think that they should, because they should show how ignorant white people, how we were.

[813] And what happens when there's one culture just dominating the whole, like, that's their fucking narrative.

[814] Right, right.

[815] But I don't know.

[816] Let's try to go a little more positive here.

[817] I love those women that are just like timelessly beautiful.

[818] The woman in, in the movie you just said, I always forget, Breakfast at Tiffany's.

[819] Audrey.

[820] Audrey Hepper.

[821] You know what I saw the other day?

[822] and point blank, Angie Dickerson.

[823] Oh, my God.

[824] Oh, my, gorgeous.

[825] Have you seen, it's so funny, I ran across a photo of Angie Dickinson from like 1962.

[826] It's a Western, almost 1961.

[827] She's the most striking human being I've ever seen.

[828] She's just so absolutely gorgeous.

[829] And then she was beautiful consistently.

[830] Which gets back to me, why I steer into, I go the other way.

[831] If there's going to be people like that in the movie, my only hope of getting in there is to just, you know, ramp up my baldness and weird looks well okay here's here's an area we could help me because you know I'm at a crossroads you know I've done as much late night TV as one can possibly do I gave it my all I'm very happy to move on to something else now movies what's I've never given it a shot but I've always thought you are when I see you in a movie or TV show in a dramatic role I completely buy it you're very good I think that I if I showed up in a movie or a TV show in a dramatic role it would be a complete disaster No, you'd have to hide in the person is what you have to do so what you'd have to do is just change your look have them change your look and then, you know, do a different walk and a different way of talking and stuff like that.

[832] People would still see, I get record.

[833] You know what?

[834] I did one long, Zombeaver, a movie about zombie beavers.

[835] Uh -huh.

[836] And I did a scene with John Mayer.

[837] And John Mayer, they put this shit on him and a mustache and he did an accent and, like, people didn't notice it was him.

[838] I mean, you figured it out after a while, but...

[839] You figured it out when his character picked up a guitar and shredded.

[840] Shredded.

[841] Yes.

[842] No. But there's a thing.

[843] But then there's that thing where if they initially don't know what's you, then they'll give you a chance.

[844] Like, oh, shit, that's cool.

[845] I don't know.

[846] I got the beady eyes, those thin lips.

[847] People was love...

[848] He's like that guy that's not going to kill himself and he's just threatening suicide.

[849] No, Conan, you're great.

[850] Yeah.

[851] I saw you as that extra in that S &L sketch along to...

[852] Yes!

[853] That's exactly what I was doing.

[854] I was, I was pulling you in.

[855] It was a little distracting how tall you were compared to all the other extras.

[856] It became Gulliver's travels since you got up and walked.

[857] I looked like, lurched.

[858] I thought there was little people shooting harpoon rope around you.

[859] Get off in the set.

[860] Oh my God.

[861] You can basically, or you could sit, you know, God knows.

[862] You could talk me up.

[863] You could bring me in on something.

[864] You know, you could do me a favor.

[865] You could.

[866] Conan, why don't you write a short?

[867] Just write a short.

[868] Okay.

[869] Conan, the barbarian.

[870] rebooted.

[871] And this time he's a shirtless, pasty guy who's done with the talk show world.

[872] And you're hunting down the creators of chips.

[873] Yes.

[874] Everybody in the writer's room one by one.

[875] And this is a thing.

[876] As ridiculous as that is, do you then do the short as serious as humanly possible?

[877] Right.

[878] And those fuckers, you know they need a job at this point.

[879] They need insurance.

[880] They'd be willing to get offed.

[881] And I do it in black and white.

[882] I do it like in that very classy looking black and white.

[883] So that it looks like an art film.

[884] Noir.

[885] Or you do it like a head.

[886] meddled what they used to do back in the day on the ballad once where you start in black and white and then when the guitar and it really kicks in then they would go into color remember that yeah you can kind of like open it up to all genres would you invest in this movie absolutely okay and my investment would be the greatest encouragement that's my favorite thing in in divorce proceedings you know so -and -so supported this person like they're out there they're doing all the work.

[887] You can do it, honey.

[888] Then they stay home.

[889] Then they become a house manager.

[890] I thought you were hanging out by the pool while the nanny raised a kid.

[891] I didn't know you were managing the house.

[892] And the second, there's money there all of a sudden.

[893] I was the CEO of the breakfast cereal section.

[894] Therefore, I would like $90 grand a month.

[895] You have no idea the pressure I was under to keep those plastic cereal bins full.

[896] God knows he wasn't around.

[897] to pour the milk.

[898] Oh, Bill, we can help Sona.

[899] Sona is about to give birth to twin boys.

[900] She's never had kids before.

[901] And I'm telling you, she has, she has a little, she's a little dog, Oki.

[902] And she's, he's got to go.

[903] She can't, exactly.

[904] Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me. Go.

[905] I keep telling her, she says, oh, that this dog is the center of our lives.

[906] Oh, look what Oki did.

[907] We got all these pictures of Oki.

[908] We found a funny hat for Oki to wear.

[909] Oh, isn't this great.

[910] She intact, O 'K.

[911] Okay.

[912] And I told her the minute these twins show up, it's over.

[913] You're not even going to feed that dog again.

[914] It's going to be mafia war between the dog and the babies.

[915] What?

[916] They're just going to look at each other and they're just going to know.

[917] Somebody has to go.

[918] Oh, no. There's only so much.

[919] You ever see Sophie's choice?

[920] No, no, no, no, no. That dog's got a, how big is that dog?

[921] She's a little 15 pounds.

[922] It doesn't matter how big the dog is.

[923] You know what?

[924] This is what you do.

[925] If you want to keep the dog, you got to get those little loop things, metal loop things put in every room and then you get a short lease and you just have to have the thing chained to the wall the entire time.

[926] Oh my God, no. No, I'm fucking...

[927] It might be great with kids.

[928] Yeah, I think we're fine.

[929] You never know.

[930] That's the fun thing with dogs.

[931] I had to get rid of my dog.

[932] You did?

[933] Yeah.

[934] What happened?

[935] Well, I did it.

[936] I was a man about it.

[937] I wasn't like doing these people that fucking took her to a shelter.

[938] What'd you do?

[939] I took her out back myself.

[940] No. Gave her $100.

[941] Yeah, gave her favorite snack.

[942] Put two right behind her rear.

[943] Oh, my God.

[944] No, I, I, my God.

[945] No, you know what?

[946] My, no, my.

[947] Two right behind her.

[948] No, I, I, I, no, my, my trainer ended up taking her.

[949] And she's still alive to this day, and I still get to see.

[950] I haven't seen her much during the pandemic because there hasn't been a lot of travel.

[951] But was there tension between, what was the reason?

[952] You just, it just didn't work with it.

[953] Because it was, it was, it was, it tried.

[954] to kill all of my friends, and we just knew that it wasn't going to work.

[955] And I put it this way.

[956] The dog was hard for my trainer to handle.

[957] Like he said, I had a slow cooker for like two years, and now she finally can be friends with another dog, which is amazing.

[958] When I watch the videos, I'm still nervous because she's, you know, a strong dog.

[959] What kind of dog was it?

[960] Oh, I don't want to, I don't want to spread the rumors.

[961] Got it.

[962] Yeah.

[963] Got it.

[964] But a powerful dog.

[965] A Parker Spaniel.

[966] They bite more people.

[967] Carcass Baylor is still, yeah.

[968] I didn't know that.

[969] I didn't know that.

[970] You know what a bastard?

[971] Who, if I was running shit, I'd get them the fuck out of this country.

[972] You know who they're?

[973] Those fucking large poodles.

[974] Oh, well, you could put, yes, yes.

[975] It's a combination of their size, their energy, and the people that own them and their inability to control them.

[976] Those fucking things come, just dragging their owner down the street with their, you know what?

[977] They got the same haircut.

[978] One of my favorite, you want to tell it disappeared into a character.

[979] Sean Penn and Carlito's way.

[980] Kleinfeld.

[981] Yeah.

[982] Lawyer.

[983] Kleinfeld, you ain't a lawyer.

[984] You are a gangster.

[985] You had the perm.

[986] Yep, yep.

[987] And then he had like, he had glasses, right?

[988] And he was balding, oh my God, it's one of my favorite Sean Penn movies.

[989] I love that movie, even though I did the Pacino line.

[990] I just, Kleinfield.

[991] Anyway, what was I talking about?

[992] Yeah, so basically, you know, I love the dog so much.

[993] It was like, I cried.

[994] I cried.

[995] I cried when I had to give the dog up.

[996] And I gave her up.

[997] And then when she came back, you know, I brought her around the house.

[998] I had her on a leash and everything.

[999] I just wanted to see.

[1000] And my baby was sitting on the bed where she used to sit.

[1001] And she looked over and I saw her ears go up, which I knew from training, don't let her fixate.

[1002] But I was like, let me just let her fixate and see what she does.

[1003] And she looked over at the baby.

[1004] Ears went up.

[1005] And she went, I was like, all right.

[1006] That's why you live in a different state.

[1007] But I'm telling you, I have a golden retriever When we brought Oh, those fucking kiss asses But they're great for a baby We brought my daughter home as a baby And this thing, my daughter would crawl up Michael J. Fox said the greatest thing On your show, I think, about a golden retriever He said they're great dogs But they'd go home with anybody Yeah, if you're having a kid My daughter used to pick up a block Crawl over and just wail away On the golden retriever And it sits there and takes it and it looks at you like this is my due you know why this is my due in life and I'll take it it's a child it doesn't know I need to be patient that's exactly what you want it's not what it is what is it they got no hot any dog I'm just going Boston guy any dog that lets some little shit kid I understand once with the wood block but at some point you gotta look over like it's got no hot he got no hot dude dude He's fucking soft.

[1008] He's letting him walk all over him.

[1009] I'm not saying you got to bite him.

[1010] You can give him a growl.

[1011] Give him a little snap the jaws.

[1012] Let him know what he's dealing with.

[1013] No, that's great.

[1014] Yeah, I'd love to have a dog again.

[1015] I always wanted a bulldog, but I just can't imagine having a bulldog in this heat out here.

[1016] I also worry about don't bulldogs have bad hips and they start to fall apart after like that.

[1017] That's German Shepherds, the guy have the bad hips.

[1018] The bulldogs, there's some flap in the back of their mouth.

[1019] You got to get it removed.

[1020] But it's like they were genetically, they were created by people with lots of breeding, and then they've got some flaw that makes their life a living hell, don't they?

[1021] Yeah, I don't know.

[1022] I really would love to have somebody explain to me how you breed a wolf down to a bulldog for the specific job of, weren't they like, they bite a bull in the nose?

[1023] I don't know.

[1024] Half of my knowledge was giving me in a bar room.

[1025] I don't know, but like, it's like there's some dog.

[1026] Like the foxhound.

[1027] They like bred it so it could be like with the pointy snout and long body so it could go down the fucking hole and get the goddamn thing or something like that.

[1028] It's like how do you, how fucking perverted are you?

[1029] What kind of sick?

[1030] Well, you think of like a German scientist, you know, thinking about how we're going to breed this down and we're going to get this animal so that it has a long, thin paw so it can reach into a window and grab a jewel, you know, it's amazing.

[1031] I bet if that dog over there, look at the legs on that dog.

[1032] I bet if that dog, fuck this dog over here.

[1033] When they were done banging, we could get ourselves a longer dog.

[1034] Just hear me out, and then we just keep doing it, yeah.

[1035] We create our own species.

[1036] It will be gods.

[1037] The longest fucking dog you ever saw?

[1038] Longest fucking dog you saw?

[1039] There'll be women around the blog, wind it up.

[1040] What's happening is people did that.

[1041] People did that and people continue to do it.

[1042] All right?

[1043] And where is that on Twitter?

[1044] I'm gonna wrap this up.

[1045] You know, the dog breeding thing?

[1046] You know what scared you?

[1047] You know what's crazy?

[1048] You know what's crazy?

[1049] That's what scared you away?

[1050] I just, you know, we gotta keep things to time.

[1051] We run a tight ship, I don't know how you do it, but we like to kind of thing.

[1052] It's going Harvard, yeah?

[1053] We get it, you're good at math.

[1054] You went to a night of week school.

[1055] I'm good at math.

[1056] I know what an hour is.

[1057] Yes, thank God.

[1058] Thank God I went to have it.

[1059] They taught me that an hour is composed of 60 individualized minutes.

[1060] They taught me that and the other thing, not because it was easy, but because it was hard.

[1061] Some people choose to say you're good at math.

[1062] I choose to say why.

[1063] And I choose to say why.

[1064] God, that's a fun accent to do.

[1065] Some people would be happy banging Jackie Onassis.

[1066] Others would have to say why.

[1067] to bang Maryland too.

[1068] Some people look at a short dog and think it's long enough.

[1069] Others say, what if that dog fucked another dog?

[1070] There was somewhat longer.

[1071] You'd get a longer dog.

[1072] We're going to do that in this century and we're going to do the other thing.

[1073] By the end of this century, we will have the right dogs fuck each other.

[1074] So a dog can go down that hole and end that fox's life.

[1075] Some people say, why won't you leave that fox alone?

[1076] I say, why not kill it.

[1077] Oh, my God.

[1078] Okay.

[1079] We're not going to top that one.

[1080] We're not going to top that one.

[1081] We get out right now.

[1082] We get out right now.

[1083] We don't want more.

[1084] Come on.

[1085] Why don't you just come on this thing like every week?

[1086] And we'll just be like, Jesus, Jesus.

[1087] And then we'll do this.

[1088] And it'll be the easiest thing in the way.

[1089] I'll come on whenever you want.

[1090] All right.

[1091] It's a great time of the day.

[1092] I will look you in the eye and I will say I love you.

[1093] I love you too.

[1094] All right.

[1095] And if us two gingers got together with the dog.

[1096] We could have a threesome and then a red -headed fucking dog.

[1097] Oh, my God.

[1098] They already made, there's a dog that looks like us.

[1099] There's a white one with the freckles on the nose.

[1100] I know, I know.

[1101] It's a hound.

[1102] All the other dogs bully it.

[1103] Bill Burr, God bless.

[1104] All right, guys, thank you.

[1105] Let's do a little bit of the review the reviewers.

[1106] This is where I dig into the reviews on Apple Podcasts, and we comment on them.

[1107] In a way, we're kind of reviewing the reviewers themselves.

[1108] Hence the name, Review the Reviewers.

[1109] Thank you.

[1110] Someone finally got it.

[1111] This is a five -star review.

[1112] Okay, that's good to know.

[1113] And the whole thing is really in the subject title, though I'll read the whole thing just because I think it's really important.

[1114] Second thought there.

[1115] But first of all, did you ever get that mortgage paid off?

[1116] Now, they're referring to the beach house mortgage.

[1117] Do you remember that we used to do the ads for?

[1118] Yes.

[1119] And then really quickly, this person goes on to say, just wondering, re -listening, and it reminded me, I love you, Sona, and Matt, Conan, you're all right.

[1120] Hey.

[1121] And you pick the ones that you want to read.

[1122] Well, that one I just pulled out of a hat.

[1123] It was, there was no way to know.

[1124] There's no way we were looking through a hat for six hours to you have one.

[1125] So what's up with the beach house?

[1126] Remember, the whole thing was that these ads were paying off this beach house of yours, And then we never heard anything.

[1127] In the very beginning of the podcast, I used to say, it was just a joke.

[1128] I would say, well, I'm about this beach house.

[1129] And I put down too much money.

[1130] And we liked the idea that I would talk about how I was, I'd gotten myself into a bit of a financial bind.

[1131] And then I would hear seagulls in the background and waves crashing.

[1132] And then I would just say, you know, state farm.

[1133] That just amused us for a while.

[1134] And then it just kind of went away because it stopped amusing us.

[1135] as much.

[1136] But I think in the beginning, it was kind of funny.

[1137] It was so fun.

[1138] I enjoyed that.

[1139] What we would do is have, you know, someone would always say, haven't you paid the beach house down yet?

[1140] And I'd say, well, and then it was always me making a bad financial decision that got us deeper into the hole.

[1141] So I'd say, well, I built a deck.

[1142] And you'd say, oh, you built a deck.

[1143] Yeah, I built a deck.

[1144] And they told me to use teak, but I didn't.

[1145] And the deck cost a lot of money.

[1146] And instead, I used balsa and the wood swelled up and it got washed away.

[1147] And I borrowed money against the mortgage to build.

[1148] What?

[1149] You borrowed money?

[1150] And then I was in more trouble.

[1151] And then I'd go, anyway, Snapple has a new flavor.

[1152] And it was the transition that was making us chuckle.

[1153] But after a while, we realized we'd spend about 40 minutes talking about the beach house before we got to.

[1154] the ad and it wasn't efficient no it was kind of a fun joke but man just to get to a couple of ads that would otherwise take 20 seconds to read I would do 40 minutes of exposition about this fake beach house and we were all enjoying it and I think it's one of those things that just had its time and then we moved on yes and I dare say maybe we got too lazy to invent whole fake reasons why I needed to do the hat.

[1155] I know.

[1156] Do you believe that was almost three years ago?

[1157] Was it really?

[1158] When we started doing that?

[1159] Three years.

[1160] You know, I have to say the pandemic screwed up my sense of time completely.

[1161] But, you know, for old time's sake, maybe we'll throw in a different conceit sometime, just for old time's sake.

[1162] We don't have to.

[1163] I don't want to?

[1164] You know, I bought a racehorse.

[1165] Did you know that?

[1166] Oh, you did?

[1167] Yeah.

[1168] I bought a racehorse.

[1169] And I thought I was making a good investment.

[1170] It was very expensive.

[1171] Is it fast?

[1172] Can you actually race it?

[1173] Well, I found it's not, this is embarrassing.

[1174] It's not technically a horse.

[1175] Oh, God.

[1176] I'm still going to put seagulls and waves under this.

[1177] Yeah, do that.

[1178] It turns out, and I don't know horse flesh that well.

[1179] But it's a mule.

[1180] Oh, no. Yeah, it's a mule.

[1181] And it's got a gamey right left leg.

[1182] I said right left, rear left leg.

[1183] And also right left leg.

[1184] It's left and its right legs in the front are switched.

[1185] Oh, no. And I was, so I paid, you know, racehorses are very expensive.

[1186] Yeah, how much did you pay for this?

[1187] $650 ,000.

[1188] Jesus.

[1189] Yeah, I thought it was a pure breed, and I thought that this was the offspring.

[1190] I was told of a horse that won the Kentucky Derby.

[1191] Oh, no. Yeah, and a mule.

[1192] I saw a photo of it.

[1193] I bought it online, and then I did a Venmo.

[1194] And, um, I know.

[1195] And a mule can't even.

[1196] Am I right?

[1197] Can't even have a baby So you can't even put it to stud.

[1198] Mules are sterile.

[1199] Oh God.

[1200] And it's got milky eyes.

[1201] Weird milky eyes.

[1202] It can't see well.

[1203] So I had to get it fitted for glasses.

[1204] Just so, you know, it can see if it's going to race and I'm still determined that it race.

[1205] So I got it orthopedic shoes and glasses.

[1206] Do you have a jockey?

[1207] Well, that's the other problem.

[1208] Any self -respecting jockey refuses to get on it.

[1209] So you have to do it?

[1210] No, I'm too big, but I'm going to get a child.

[1211] A child, it doesn't know any better.

[1212] Oh, one of Sona's twins.

[1213] Dress it, yeah.

[1214] Probably one of Sona's twins will ride it.

[1215] It has to be at least three years old so it can get its legs around the top of the mule.

[1216] But anyway, that's what we're going to do.

[1217] That's, I just, my wife is very upset with me and I'm in a bit of a hole.

[1218] Financially, which leads us to this next ad.

[1219] Bombas.

[1220] Yeah, bombus socks.

[1221] Ever buy a mule?

[1222] Oh, wait, that's not it.

[1223] Ever feel your feet needs socks?

[1224] Well, Bombas does it, man. They do it every time.

[1225] They really engineer those socks.

[1226] And they put a lot of thought, which I wish I had done when I bought the fucking mule with the milky eyes and the screwed up legs and tried to enter it in a real race.

[1227] But I blame the Internet.

[1228] That's the Internet's fault.

[1229] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend.

[1230] With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

[1231] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

[1232] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Salataroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Koko, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.

[1233] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1234] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1235] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1236] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1237] Engineering by Will Bechtin.

[1238] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

[1239] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1240] Got a question for Conan?

[1241] Call the Team Cocoa hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1242] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1243] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1244] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.