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[0] This is exactly right.
[1] Hey, this is exciting.
[2] An all -new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th.
[3] Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster, detectives.
[4] But there's a mystery hanging over everyone.
[5] Who killed Saz?
[6] And were they really after Charles?
[7] Why would someone want to kill Charles?
[8] This season, murder hits close to home.
[9] With a threat against one of their own, the stakes are higher than ever.
[10] Plus, the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[11] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[12] Who knows what will happen once the cameras start to roll?
[13] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfinacus, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, Davey, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[14] Only murders in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[15] Goodbye.
[16] Hello.
[17] Hello.
[18] And welcome.
[19] To my favorite murder.
[20] The minisode.
[21] The most thing where we redo your stuff.
[22] can you dig it yes you can um yeah any topic this is a free this is a free range episode this is like interesting story time yeah where like when you first get to a party it's still a little bit rickety you haven't had enough drinks yet things aren't flowing so you have to stand or the group of people that you might not even find that interesting and get it going and hear their stories and so these are the kinds of things you want to share of interest, rarities, weirdness.
[23] Hey, remember that one time you said the word house?
[24] Well, I have a story about a house.
[25] That's right.
[26] That kind of thing.
[27] And, yeah, and any horrible thing you could find in a house.
[28] Why are we re -explaining a thing we've been doing for two years?
[29] You guys should know this by now.
[30] It's like every time we have to say it.
[31] You don't even listen to us.
[32] Even though you listen to us for three hours every week.
[33] Wouldn't it be crazy if I'd then projectile vomited coffee on to the microphone.
[34] That's what it felt like I was about to do.
[35] That would be amazing.
[36] Guys, it's summer.
[37] Okay.
[38] I'm going to go first.
[39] Yes.
[40] The subject line, of course, Stephen grabbed this for me because it's more about bad blood from Stanford.
[41] Ooh.
[42] So this is off of the fucking hooray recommendation that I made I believe it was last week's episode talking all about the scam company Theranos and their blood testing kits that never worked, and yet they sold, you know, whatever.
[43] The company was evaluated at billions of dollars.
[44] And the book, Bad Blood, you told us all to read, was really interesting.
[45] It's so good.
[46] Or listen to you.
[47] That's what I do.
[48] Do it.
[49] Okay.
[50] So, Georgia, Karen, Stephen, and furry friends.
[51] My ears immediately perked up when Karen started describing bad blood on episode 1 .30.
[52] I couldn't contain my excitement for Karen's.
[53] excitement about the story of Theranus.
[54] I think that's how it's pronounced.
[55] I can't remember.
[56] I knew about it pretty early on as my good friend from Stanford ratted out Elizabeth Holmes.
[57] And that's the 22 -year -old startup mogul who basically got the whole thing off the ground.
[58] So here's the scoop.
[59] That was me. Editor's Note.
[60] Now we're back into the email.
[61] Here's the scoop.
[62] The summer after my senior year of undergrad at Stanford.
[63] Very difficult school to get into, by the way.
[64] You can't just walk up and say I go here now?
[65] No, I think they don't allow commoners onto the campus.
[66] It's like West Coast, the closest thing to Ivy League you can get.
[67] Do they have this thing where like when you try to push a shopping cart outside of the parking lot of a grocery store and it just goes and stops working?
[68] Yes, except for it's snipers on the roof.
[69] And they just fucking take you out and they bury your body in the forest.
[70] Cool.
[71] Up behind the football field.
[72] They have football?
[73] I don't know.
[74] I actually don't know that much about it.
[75] Where are we going?
[76] Not to college.
[77] Here's the scoop.
[78] The summer after my senior year of undergrad at Stanford, I was living in a house with six people.
[79] And then it says in parentheses, we squeezed a couple of miles off campus.
[80] Many of us studied human biology in undergrad.
[81] Congratulations.
[82] So almost all of us were doing research, except for my friend who started a job at Theranus.
[83] Every time, even at that time, it was a big deal as you know from media stories since Elizabeth Holmes garnered an insane amount of capital for her company and everyone thought that Theranos would revolutionize blood testing.
[84] I was interested to hear my friend's take on his new job.
[85] Every day we'd all come home and debrief over dinner and every day my friend would tell stories about how the testing he was doing on Theranos kits was statistically insignificant and that all the hype about the company was unwarranted.
[86] Oh my God.
[87] Such a weird feeling to be the science person that's like, yeah, this is bullshit at the center of a complete bullshit contest.
[88] Although I trusted his judgment, because he's a super smart guy, at first I thought his comments were just run of the mill, my boss sucks complaints.
[89] But as the summer wore on, he grew more and more anxious.
[90] He discovered that other co -workers were on the same page as he was and some of them quit as a result.
[91] He was thinking of quitting as well, but there were many conflicts of interest for him and he was terrified of being blackmailed.
[92] Oh shit.
[93] Which was the thing they did.
[94] They fucking got into everybody's email.
[95] Oh my God.
[96] And they got into people's lives.
[97] They had it, they had endless amounts of money and lawyers.
[98] It is.
[99] It's like a rich cult.
[100] Oh my God.
[101] Lawyer -based cult.
[102] Okay.
[103] After that summer was over, we all parted ways and I didn't hear too much else about Theranus except for that my friend eventually left the company.
[104] However, a few years later, Theranus was all over the news.
[105] Lo and behold, my friend was the main whistleblower.
[106] Crazy to think of what would have happened if he never said anything and how brave he was for doing.
[107] So update.
[108] He's doing extremely well and he's now dating one of my friends from the freshman door.
[109] Why do you find that hilarious?
[110] It's so like, oh my God, is he dating her?
[111] It's a detail that clearly is thrilling and there's nothing better than someone who knows starts dating someone else.
[112] You know that they didn't know each other.
[113] but the idea that we can in some way connect it also yeah oh you mean from the dorm he's dating stacey holy shit she was such a stoner um thank people smoke pot at stanford do they oh yeah they get paid to do it oh cool thanks for reading my feet my fiance and i can't wait to see you guys in l -a on halloween liz who nice one liz i love i love any updates about that story i can't get enough like that that guy's dating stacey oh my god because D .C. Sorry, was a slut.
[114] She was a bitch.
[115] She was a...
[116] Okay.
[117] Well, this one's from my story from last week of the Romanovs.
[118] This one's called Romanov Diaries and my friend's grandma.
[119] Oh, yes.
[120] And I actually meant to say Romanov Diamonds and my friends, grandma.
[121] But I said it wrong.
[122] It's not like the Princess Diaries?
[123] No. There's...
[124] And Halfway is not in this email.
[125] No. I love being rich.
[126] Okay.
[127] My friend's grandma now deceased was an old Russian woman who escaped the West with her family, escaped to the West with her family as the community.
[128] She escaped away to Russia.
[129] She ran into Russia.
[130] She hated all the cowboys.
[131] That's right.
[132] She escaped to the West with her family as the communist regime took over.
[133] She would never talk about her childhood.
[134] So my friend and her family never really knew much of anything.
[135] Man, tell us everything.
[136] The only thing they knew was that she was, she had a handful of diamonds that.
[137] were handed down to her from her mother.
[138] One day they were watching a TV special on the uncovering of the Winter Palace, home of the Romanovs.
[139] The Soviets had covered up certain rooms, and after the fall of the Soviet Union, they, and then it says it's parentheses, you know, they.
[140] They recovered, recorded the reveal of the historic Romanov decor.
[141] As they uncovered a green marble fireplace, my friend's grandma began to cry because she remembers this fireplace from her childhood.
[142] She sat at the fireplace on the regular when she was little.
[143] What?
[144] It was learned that her mother, my friend's great -grandmother, was a teacher for the Romanov, the children of the Romanov family.
[145] The grandmother, as a child in the palace, grew up alongside Anastasia.
[146] No!
[147] Then the royal, and the other royal children.
[148] On a regular basis, the mother would tell stories to all of the children in front of the fireplace before they went to bed at night.
[149] When the family was slaughtered, everyone in the household was in danger, so she and her mother fled for their lives.
[150] Fuck.
[151] Because remember they killed, like, the doctor.
[152] One of the, my friend and her grandmother, my friend had her grandmother's jewels appraised, and the jeweler was somehow able to trace them back to old -timey Russia.
[153] We think that as they fled, they either swiped a handful of jewels or were given them by the Romanon.
[154] They were like, in candy dishes.
[155] It was like, grab a couple diamonds on your way out.
[156] We love that you came to visit us at the winter palace.
[157] Thanks for coming.
[158] My favorite behind the walls and degrees of separation story, stay sexy and swipe some Jewels, Jeremy.
[159] Hell yes, Jeremy.
[160] I will swipe jewels at any given opportunity.
[161] Wipe that candy dish of diamonds.
[162] What's better than a terrible war story, but then somebody getting a hold of like a raw diamond and sewing it into their clothes?
[163] That's just so like, yeah.
[164] Yeah.
[165] It's like, it's so like fairy tale.
[166] It is.
[167] Except the dying part.
[168] Like what in your house are you going to be able to smuggle that's going to get you anywhere and like get anything and get you anything when all when everything falls apart well my rare diamonds collection let's start buying raw diamonds is what I'm saying how about the silver coins my dad gave me and Vince for our wedding he says that when the end days come that's right they're in paper money's going to be worthless silver work it's going to be all about them nickels that Marty got you thank you what if he just got as a roll of nickels but they're all from 1967 it's good luck um Um, yeah, it's my family.
[169] It's like, there's a joy of cooking cookbook I could probably get.
[170] There's some good ass recipes in there that might be worth something.
[171] Hell yeah.
[172] Beef stroganoff.
[173] You know what you do?
[174] You put some fucking sour cream in that gravy.
[175] You put some stroganoff in the fucking beef.
[176] Get some tang on that beef.
[177] And then you put some head noodles in it.
[178] They're like, you know what?
[179] You no longer have to go to the prison.
[180] Thank you.
[181] What do you have to trade for your life?
[182] I have pockets full of hot.
[183] hot strogan off.
[184] Thank God.
[185] Where are we going?
[186] Not sure.
[187] Well, here's the subject line of my next email.
[188] Ash is in the trunk.
[189] Okay.
[190] Hey, everyone.
[191] My name is Mary Lou, and I'm a semi -frequent emailer, very heavy listener.
[192] Thank you for declaring yourself, Mary Lou, so clearly and accurately.
[193] Yesterday, I went to go see The Dead and Co. And then in parentheses, The Grateful Dead minus Jerry Garcia plus John Meyer.
[194] Oh, right.
[195] John Myers?
[196] Mayer?
[197] The one that invented the lemons.
[198] At the gorge in Washington.
[199] Ooh.
[200] So before I went in, I ate three grams of mushrooms and started tripping almost instantly.
[201] They love drug stories.
[202] Yep.
[203] I miss your drug stories.
[204] Also, don't do drugs.
[205] Send us your drugs story.
[206] Don't do drugs.
[207] But then again, if you go ahead and eat some mushrooms in the out of doors because you're going to enjoy some trip out music where every other person there is on drugs.
[208] including the entire band and the roadies and the roadies and the concession get people every single person is just going to be the chillest of the chill okay um okay I'm also on mushrooms so I lost my place and I immediately started tripping thank you while I was watching the show and going through an intense roller coaster of emotions as one does who is tripping on mushrooms I realized my mom's ashes have been in the trunk of my My car for an entire year.
[209] Oh, my God.
[210] You put your mom in your trunk and you left her there for a year?
[211] She has it.
[212] They have an explanation, I should say.
[213] Oh, no, it's Mary Lou.
[214] So we know it.
[215] Mary Lou has an explanation.
[216] Last year on Mother's Day, my mom died in her sleep of mysterious causes at the age of 50.
[217] Oh, that's awful.
[218] That's awful.
[219] So sorry.
[220] I was 19 and had the plan, pay for, and organized my mom's entire funeral and such.
[221] Oh, honey.
[222] really shitty it was a lot for a 19 year old to deal with but i got it done and it all worked out fuck yes mary lou well done your mom would be proud of you that sucks so much i know at 19 19 and that's the thing about when people die is the people closest to the person who are the most affected also have to start making a shit ton of decision this is why you want to do it before you die make all your plans and shit right yeah you want to but no one does no one does okay all right we're with you, Mary Lou.
[223] After spending most of the summer in Wisconsin where I'm from, I realized I needed a change, so I uprooted my life, put my dog in all my belongings in my car, and moved to Portland.
[224] It was actually a great idea.
[225] I had planned on bringing my mom's ashes with me, and as I made this long trip, I would stop in beautiful places and scatter her throughout the country where she would be whisked away over pretty landscapes.
[226] Only problem, I left home without the fucking ashes.
[227] this.
[228] By the time I realized this, I was already in northern Colorado.
[229] Oh, my God.
[230] So I made my dad Fed X them to the airstream.
[231] I was staying on a farm in Fort Collins.
[232] That sounds amazing.
[233] So good right now.
[234] Yeah.
[235] Okay.
[236] When they showed up, they were in an Amazon box that my dad had just re -duct taped and scribbled my dress on in purple Sharpie.
[237] I threw the box in the trunk and kept on driving.
[238] But for whatever reason, it never felt like the right time or place to scatter her.
[239] That makes sense.
[240] I moved to Portland and became a preschool teacher and have been living here ever since I kept forgetting that Sue was indeed in the trunk of my car and that eventually I was going to have to do something with her until I ate a bunch of mushrooms at the gourd.
[241] Oh, Mary Lou.
[242] This story is...
[243] When you're on mushrooms, don't think about your dead mom's ashes.
[244] Like, that's the worst thing to think about.
[245] But it's also, like she's saying, because these crazy drugs, psilocybin and my...
[246] mushrooms are an emotional roller coaster you go emotionally crazy yeah so it's perfect just like this email is an emotional roller coaster okay i realized a year is way too long to have my mom in the trunk of the car and that it's not ha ha funny anymore it's just fucking weird so today i went to my car and pulled out the box where i opened it in my apartment only to realize some of the ashes had spilled out from the plastic urn into the cardboard box.
[247] I go to dump it out of my window to try to dust off the box, but the wind blew it into my apartment at that, blew into my apartment at that exact moment, and pieces of my fucking mom's ashes blew into my house and into my face.
[248] Oh my, what is this?
[249] Lesson learned.
[250] If you keep your mom's ashes in the trunk for a year, she will retaliate when you finally move for her.
[251] my mom is the reason I'm a murderino so sorry and she would have loved your podcast so on both of our behalf SSDGM Mary Lou oh I'm crying too it's so good it fuck it's like you can't do death correctly it always is fucked up it's of course you're avoiding spreading your mother's ashes it's like to have your mom die sucks so bad she is traumatized by this terrible event and then she tries to like make it right do the right thing of course it's just so typical that's amazing it's just so good that's a great story thank you for that very personal and very awful story Mary Lou good job Mary Lou I'm sorry it got me good no I love it it got me good beautiful you got me good okay good this one's called, let's see, I have one more.
[252] Okay, short.
[253] Okay.
[254] This is called 23 and Me gone wrong slash I might be an alien.
[255] Oh, shit.
[256] And then the opening is just, hi.
[257] Back in January, I sent my adorable little bottle of spit to 23 and me after a bunch of us got the kit for Christmas.
[258] A few months later, everyone else had their results except me. Finally, I received an email saying that the genome analysis had been unsuccessful.
[259] because they hadn't been able to collect enough DNA from my saliva.
[260] They sent me a new kit and told me to try again.
[261] Naturally, I assumed some lab tech had just dropped my sample on the floor, so I did it again and didn't think much of it.
[262] Another few months passed, and I finally, but finally I received another email of saying that I was incompatible with the analysis.
[263] They were unable to extract DNA and that they would not try to perform the analysis again.
[264] In fact, they asked me to check a box online saying I would not try to submit my sample, ever again.
[265] What?
[266] I looked all over the Reddit world and only found one other person this happened to.
[267] I'm completely healthy and can think of no reason why my DNA didn't work.
[268] So I guess I can spit all over a crime scene and they'd never know it was me. Who knows?
[269] But they sent me a refund and I bought an air conditioner with it so I guess it was worth it.
[270] Yours may be an alien, Robin.
[271] What the fuck?
[272] Robin.
[273] Because they would have told her if she...
[274] Because I know a girl who is a non -secreter.
[275] Right.
[276] So she didn't...
[277] She should try to maybe prick her...
[278] I think the girl ended up, like, pricking her thumb and putting, like, a drop of blood in the saliva thing, and it worked.
[279] But they would have told her if she was, like, couldn't get enough DNA.
[280] Well, also, that's just so fascinating.
[281] I mean, if it wasn't a technical issue, but it's just like, yeah, there's nothing showing up.
[282] There's nothing working and promise you'll never do this again.
[283] Yes, exactly.
[284] It's so weird.
[285] We don't want your fucking area thing.
[286] 51 shit coming into our oh my god hey this is exciting an all new season of only murders in the building is coming to Hulu on August 27th Steve Martin, Martin Short and Selena Gomez are back as your favorite podcaster detectives but there's a mystery hanging over everyone who killed Saz and were they really after Charles why would someone want to kill Charles this season murder hits close to home with a threat against one of their own the stakes are higher than ever plus the gang is going to Hollywood to turn their podcast into a major movie.
[287] Amid the glitz and glamour of Los Angeles, more mysteries and twists arise.
[288] Who knows what'll happen once the cameras start to roll?
[289] Get ready for the stariest season yet with Merrill Streep, Zach Alfenakis, Eugene Levy, Eva Longoria, Melissa McCarthy, DeVine, Joy Randolph, Molly Shannon, and more.
[290] Only Martyrs in the building, premieres August 27th, streaming only on Hulu.
[291] Goodbye.
[292] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.
[293] Absolutely.
[294] And when you say vintage, Did you mean when you physically drive to a store and actually purchase something with cash?
[295] Exactly.
[296] And if you're a small business owner, you might know Shopify is great for online sales.
[297] But did you know that they also power in -person sales?
[298] That's right.
[299] Shopify is the sound of selling everywhere, online, in -store, on social media, and beyond.
[300] Give your point -of -sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[301] From accepting payments to managing inventory, they have everything you need to sell in -person.
[302] So give your point of sale system a serious upgrade with Shopify.
[303] Their sleek, reliable POS hardware takes every major payment method and looks fabulous at the same time.
[304] With Shopify, we have a powerful partner for managing our sales.
[305] And if you're a business owner, you can too.
[306] Connect with customers in line and online.
[307] Do retail right with Shopify.
[308] Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify .com slash murder.
[309] Important note, that promo code is all lowercase.
[310] Go to Shopify .com slash murder to take your retail business to the next level today.
[311] That's Shopify .com slash murder.
[312] Goodbye.
[313] What do you think?
[314] Stephen, how long is that?
[315] That's been like 18 minutes.
[316] Because I can do one more?
[317] A shorty.
[318] Well, actually, there's this.
[319] Karen, do one more.
[320] Okay.
[321] Mine more quick.
[322] Okay.
[323] Because I'm sweating so much.
[324] A creepy man with children's pictures on his wall.
[325] Perfect.
[326] Hello, Karen, Georgia.
[327] Stephen.
[328] Elvis, Mimi, Dottie, Frank, and George.
[329] Love it.
[330] Well done.
[331] Penny.
[332] Penny.
[333] Penny?
[334] Penny.
[335] Penny.
[336] Penny Lynn.
[337] Stephen's cat.
[338] Oh, that's right.
[339] Let's just start fucking folding in every animal we know.
[340] You forgot one.
[341] There's also.
[342] Every animal we've ever met.
[343] Okay, go.
[344] I just finished binge listening to all the episodes you guys have.
[345] I'm not the best writer, so bear with me on spelling and all grammatical errors.
[346] No. This story is kind of short, but as I think about what happened and how old I was, I thought I should share it.
[347] My twin sister, who got me hooked on this podcast and I were around eight years old, and we were living with my mom at the time in our small town near St. Louis, Missouri.
[348] We walk to and from school every day.
[349] On our way home from school, almost always we would stop at this 60 to 7 year old man's house.
[350] His name was Terry.
[351] I remember him looking like an average grandpa with kind of crooked teeth.
[352] We would talk to him for up to an hour before actually going home.
[353] I believe that it was because of friends or neighbor kids that we knew that we could stop by his house.
[354] Anyways, this creeper would give everyone candy and sodas.
[355] Of course he would.
[356] At the beginning of every school year, this man would ask for our current school photos.
[357] If we didn't have any, he would have a sit down on one of the steps of his front porch so he could take his own photo.
[358] No, no, no, no. Once he got them developed, he would put them up along the wall of at least 100 other kids' photos in his garage.
[359] Why did we ever think this was okay?
[360] We were so dumb.
[361] Well, you were children.
[362] As I'm remembering everything, there were days when his garage door was closed, or his wife's car was in the driveway and we weren't allowed to stop by.
[363] Also, our visits would be cut short on days his wife came home earlier than he expected.
[364] There were days when we wouldn't stop by because it was raining or we just wanted to get home.
[365] On those days, he would walk himself to our house.
[366] My very own mother would let him in the house and sit on our couch.
[367] She just let us sit there and talk to this crazy man for hours.
[368] I always thought he was kind of weird, but I'm eight.
[369] years old and my brain just told me to shut up.
[370] I remember my sister and I going to this man's house until the summer that we ended up moving to my dad's house.
[371] I want to thank you girls for well, that's it.
[372] I want to thank you girls for welcoming my inner crime loving self into this awesome community.
[373] You two make my midnight shift way more enjoyable and eases my wandering mind when I'm walking around an almost empty hospital all night cleaning just as empty rooms.
[374] Please keep doing what you do because you do it so well, stay sexy and don't stop by creepy old men's houses on your way from school, Lacey and Melanie N. Oh my God.
[375] So it's just basically a story of a man who loves to visit children.
[376] And the photo part is the creepiest.
[377] The photo part is not good.
[378] No. And also that the wife, it's not like, the wife is like, oh, who's here?
[379] Hi girls or whatever.
[380] That it's like the wife knows something's going, something's weird happening.
[381] So don't tell her that you come over here.
[382] Well, I mean, does the wife not go into the garage?
[383] Maybe not.
[384] The fuck's the deal.
[385] Maybe the wife hates children.
[386] Oh, and this is his only, like, he's like, I really love children.
[387] He really wanted children.
[388] She refused to give him children.
[389] Give him children.
[390] She refused to have children.
[391] Give him children.
[392] Give him a child.
[393] Give Morandoff a child.
[394] I feel like you could definitely go that old man's crazy.
[395] It could be a tragic story.
[396] Yeah.
[397] It could be, there's so many things in between.
[398] But the pictures on the wall and it being a hundred other children.
[399] Yeah.
[400] Why?
[401] Yeah.
[402] What?
[403] Yeah.
[404] Yeah.
[405] Yeah.
[406] Um, send us your shit at my favorite murder at Gmail.
[407] Um, wow, guys, that was a real good round.
[408] That was a fun one.
[409] That was a real fun.
[410] Lots of laughs and of course, lots of tears.
[411] Lots of love.
[412] Lots of love.
[413] Lots of laughs.
[414] We laughed, we loved.
[415] We cried.
[416] We cried.
[417] We lived.
[418] And we stayed sexy.
[419] And we didn't get murdered.
[420] And you should too.
[421] Goodbye.
[422] Goodbye.
[423] You want a cookie?