Kristin Chenoweth

[0] My name is Kristen Chenoweth, and I feel petite about peeing.

[1] About peeing?

[2] Can we just leave it right there?

[3] Yeah, leave it like that.

[4] My name is Kristen Chenoweth, and I feel petite about peeing.

[5] You're welcome.

[6] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking loose, Climb the fence, books and pens I can tell that we are going to be friends Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends Hello and welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend Really a way for people to come together and learn to love And learn...

[7] I just, I had nowhere, I had nothing.

[8] You really had nowhere.

[9] I had nothing.

[10] You went to the most unlikely thing.

[11] It's really not what this podcast is about.

[12] Not at all.

[13] And I apologize.

[14] I just was phoning it in.

[15] You were phoning it in.

[16] Yeah.

[17] And I'm, and I'm here in studio.

[18] Of course, always joined by my, what are you, an assistant?

[19] Oh, come on.

[20] Someone who works with me. I'm your assistant.

[21] You're someone I pay, and then I don't know anything after that.

[22] Okay.

[23] Sonam Obsessian.

[24] Yeah, I'm your assistant.

[25] I have been for 11 years.

[26] 11 years now.

[27] Long, long, long years.

[28] Uh -huh.

[29] And, of course, Matt Goreley, producer.

[30] You do a terrific job, Matt.

[31] You really do.

[32] Thank you.

[33] And I've been your producer now for three years.

[34] Can you believe that?

[35] Is it really?

[36] We've been doing this for three years?

[37] Three seasons, two years.

[38] Okay.

[39] You're always so much nicer to Matt than you are to me. What?

[40] I feel like lately that's just been the situation.

[41] I think I got a little self -conscious about, you know, you and I are together all the time in the trenches.

[42] Uh -huh.

[43] And so, I mean, you and I, it's.

[44] safe.

[45] You say atrocious and horrible things to me. There's a lot of bad behavior back and forth and it's just how we communicate and we're sort of brother -sister.

[46] It kind of works.

[47] I think I've gotten a little self -conscious lately about Matt because I don't know Matt as well.

[48] And then, of course, sometimes I'll give them some swipes here and there.

[49] You haven't talked about any tweed suits or a handkerchief or pipes or...

[50] Right.

[51] And so I think I got, I went a little easy on Matt for a while.

[52] But But maybe it's time to double down again.

[53] Yeah, I think so.

[54] Sorry, Matt.

[55] Thanks a lot, Sona.

[56] I can't take it all anymore.

[57] You got my back.

[58] I'm like the, I'm the T -Rex in Jurassic Park.

[59] Matt was staying perfectly still so I couldn't see him.

[60] Yeah, and she threw a torch at my phone.

[61] But then Sona, yeah, threw a flare at him.

[62] Matt caught it and started bobbing it.

[63] Suddenly I saw him.

[64] He ran into an outhouse and I bit him in half.

[65] That's what I just did to Matt Gourley.

[66] so thanks a lot sona i'm sorry i just needed to save myself it's okay it's okay because i want reality to be reflected when he calls me twee i'm wearing just a flannel shirt and a yankees cap he's got a crocodile dundee hat oh let's talk about the hat thank you thank you i do have i'm not wearing it right now um like any gentleman i took my hat off and and put it down when i entered the room that sounded like a swipe during covid i have been wearing a crocodile dundee hat you can just look up Crocodile Dundee, and you'll see the exact hat.

[67] I bought this hat in Australia when we went there to shoot a travel episode of the show.

[68] I saw this in a shop, and I bought it as a joke.

[69] And it's got the, I don't know if it's crocodile.

[70] I guess it's crocodile teeth around it.

[71] And it's this iconic hat that I got as a joke.

[72] And then I put it on, and I look great in this hat.

[73] Yeah.

[74] I really, I'm not going to, I can't, I'm trying to put it on now with head.

[75] headphones on.

[76] It doesn't work.

[77] I look great in this hat.

[78] And when I put it on, people start to laugh and then it's on my head for second and they say, that's a great hat for you.

[79] Yeah.

[80] I think you feel cooler wearing it too.

[81] Well, don't you think it actually looks pretty good?

[82] I do.

[83] And you've had a lot of hats because you have to wear them to protect yourself.

[84] Yeah, from mobs of people who might recognize me. No, from the sun.

[85] Oh, the sun.

[86] Oh, I thought you meant from beautiful women that would go like, oh my God, it's Conan O 'Brien.

[87] I've got to have him.

[88] And I'm like, no, no, I'm married.

[89] Please, please, supermodel, no. Sunburns.

[90] That's what you need to protect your stamina.

[91] And you usually wore like these floppy hats that were kind of.

[92] I didn't like those.

[93] Goofy looking.

[94] They look terrible.

[95] Yeah.

[96] And I've always said, I look like Rose Kennedy, the 100 -year -old mother of the Kennedy clan.

[97] You'd see pictures of her at the beach at Martha's Vineyard.

[98] And she was this 100 -year -old shriveled up woman and she was covered in 50 pounds of hats and loose clothing.

[99] And that's what I look like when I'm on the beach.

[100] People actually say, I can't believe JFK's mom is still alive.

[101] And then they go, oh, it's Conan O 'Brien.

[102] But I wear this hat and it looks really good.

[103] And I realize it gives me, let's just say it and admit it, Sona.

[104] It gives me big dick energy.

[105] Okay.

[106] I don't know about, I don't, I will A, never say that.

[107] And B, I don't.

[108] I don't, I don't, No, if it's a cool enough hat.

[109] When you're wearing that hat, do you ever go up to people and go, It's not a dick?

[110] That's a dick.

[111] That's not a dick.

[112] This is a dick.

[113] And then I get arrested for whipping out.

[114] That's not a dick.

[115] This is a dick.

[116] Zip.

[117] And you're under arrest.

[118] Oh, my God.

[119] You do it to a cop.

[120] Yeah, I do it to a cop.

[121] The cop's like, what are you wearing that hat for?

[122] That's not a dick.

[123] This is a dick.

[124] Wait, what are you talking about?

[125] Did you see a penis when you said that's not a dick?

[126] No. Your Australian accent sucks.

[127] And why is your penis out?

[128] I was trying to do that.

[129] From Crocodile Dundee?

[130] At Troy.

[131] Well, that's terrible.

[132] It doesn't line up.

[133] Nothing lines up.

[134] You didn't see a penis.

[135] So why would you compare your penis to that penis and then how would you whip it out?

[136] Because the hat gives me big...

[137] No, it doesn't.

[138] Oh, my God.

[139] No, it doesn't give you big dick energy.

[140] And then I'm in jail, and then I have to get bailed out.

[141] Yeah.

[142] And you're, and then you are the one that bails me out and you say, did you do the crocodile Dundee?

[143] That's not a dick.

[144] This is a dick again.

[145] And I say maybe.

[146] You go, Conan, this is the eighth time I've bailed you out.

[147] Stop doing that.

[148] Stop wearing that hat, walking around town, trying to find policemen going up to them and saying, that's not a dick, this is it.

[149] And then they go, wait a minute.

[150] That's not an Australian accent.

[151] You try to find policemen to do this too.

[152] I didn't.

[153] I didn't say this was a good idea.

[154] What?

[155] This is a bad idea.

[156] Why would you go to policemen?

[157] I don't know.

[158] Oh, man. I don't know.

[159] I'm just whatever.

[160] So, but I do wear this hat and I do think it looks really good.

[161] You know what?

[162] I agree.

[163] I think it's a really cool hat.

[164] I'm going to take the headphones on and put it on and you can see me. Hold on.

[165] Okay.

[166] You got to find the camera.

[167] You looking for the camera in that.

[168] There's two cameras.

[169] And he's confused.

[170] You look like Roy Overson in a wheelchair right now.

[171] I have these glasses on that look kind of dark.

[172] I put this big black hat on and you said, and I'm in a swivel chair moving from camera to camera.

[173] And Gorley said I look like Roy Orbison in a wheelchair, which is true.

[174] Absolutely true.

[175] And I just did look at myself on the, the Zoom camera doing that, and I, and I did think I look like a pornographer.

[176] No, God, come on.

[177] It's just, and not a pornographer who's making a good living, you know.

[178] Someone who's losing, I'm the only guy in the world who's losing money trying to sell pornography.

[179] It's so hard to lose money in porn.

[180] And I'm losing a ton of it.

[181] And I'm doing so badly as a pornographer that local home -owned bookstores are donating money to me to keep my pornography business going.

[182] Wait, what?

[183] Yeah, old ladies that are just trying to run bookstores that sell fiction, like to sell, you know, high class fiction and drama are like, we feel bad for him.

[184] So they all get together and they take a collection.

[185] I have a little shop that sells antique models, but I'm doing better than that poor pornographer who can't seem to get it together.

[186] Yeah, it's just because I only do Kaiser helmet porn.

[187] It's just porn where everybody in it's wearing a Kaiser helmet with a point.

[188] Sam's applauding.

[189] Yeah, and everyone's just like, this is awful.

[190] And I'm like, look, this is my vision.

[191] It's standard hardcore pornography, but everyone's wearing a Kaiser's helmet.

[192] We can't.

[193] We have to get going.

[194] It's such a great show today.

[195] It's such a great show.

[196] My guest today is an Emmy and, Tony, award -winning actress who originated the role of Glinda in the hit Broadway Musical Wicked.

[197] Now you can see her in the Netflix original movie, Holiday, as well as the Witches on HBO Max.

[198] She also hosts the Food Network series Candy Land.

[199] She's doing way too much.

[200] She must be stopped.

[201] I'm thrilled she's with us today, extremely talented.

[202] Kristen Chenoweth, welcome.

[203] You know, you and I have a certain chemistry that is undeniable, undeniable chemistry.

[204] No question.

[205] So you're going to agree with that, right?

[206] Listen, I want to disagree, but I can't.

[207] Right.

[208] You desperately want to deny it.

[209] But we have a thing.

[210] But I can't.

[211] Whenever we're around each other.

[212] We have a full thing.

[213] I don't know what it is.

[214] I honestly don't know what it is, but I've known you for years coming on the show.

[215] And from the second I first met you, I was like, this is a kindred spirit.

[216] We are versions of the same person.

[217] The only difference being you've been blessed with incredible.

[218] terrible town.

[219] But that aside, I am just, and I was trying to figure out what is it?

[220] And then I thought, I think you and I are both the kind of people that when the lights go out, we get the trucks to turn on their lights and we jump up on a hood and we give the people a show.

[221] Is that what it is?

[222] Yes.

[223] Also, to add to what you just said, because I, too, have thought about what you said about you and I. Not only that, but whether we make a million dollars, or 200.

[224] We're going to go for it.

[225] Yes.

[226] Would you mean a million dollars or $200 million?

[227] Because if it's $200, I don't give a shit.

[228] I'm not doing, I'm not doing jack shit for $200.

[229] But if it's anywhere between the $2 and $200 million range.

[230] No, I meant $200 ,000.

[231] I met $200 ,000.

[232] You know what I love about this podcast?

[233] It's relatable.

[234] To everyone listening out there, everyone driving around right now is like, he's right.

[235] I wouldn't do anything for less than two people.

[236] million dollars now to get to the refinery um no it's true i don't think it has i've always said i'm very happy that show business seems to pay uh well i'm i'm not going to complain about that but i don't think it's connected at all with the reason i do it but i've always felt like you there's another thing i'll say about you you feel to me like i think there are a lot of performers that maybe are a product of their times i feel like i could put you in a time machine and put you back like 300 years and you'd be a big star 300 years ago.

[237] Like, you just have that kind of talent that is not related to what's happening necessarily now.

[238] You just have, you have the pipes, you have that vivacity.

[239] Wouldn't you say that's true, Shona?

[240] Absolutely.

[241] Yeah, I think that it's a timeless talent.

[242] Yes.

[243] For sure.

[244] Yeah, you just said what I said, but you.

[245] I said it in a better way, I think.

[246] Or eloquent.

[247] A timeless talent.

[248] Yeah, I know.

[249] I just like the whole time machine.

[250] I like the idea of Chris being - Hey, please, put me in a time machine.

[251] I probably fit.

[252] you know what we are i think you and i are our great combination of old school and new school together meaning we both have both right i hope so i don't know i love you're supposed to agree with no no i know you have it i feel awkward you keep putting gloss on your lips i'm addicted to chapstick i know i'm not being paid it's very sensual you're you're being very sensual as you put it on and you're exaggerating your movements i've been alone in Canada.

[253] Look, I need to remind you that I'm a married man and your tricks won't work on me. I already know this, okay?

[254] Oh, God, you have no idea what she's doing.

[255] And I love her.

[256] Oh, my wife.

[257] More than you, frankly.

[258] Yeah, I know.

[259] I know.

[260] Everyone likes my wife better than me. Now you're drinking something?

[261] You've...

[262] What are you doing?

[263] Okay, yes, I see that.

[264] You realize this is a podcast and you keep doing visual stuff.

[265] You keep doing visual bits, Kristen, like doing funny bits with the chapstick and funny bits.

[266] And you're a mime without a camera, without an audience.

[267] I don't know what's happening here.

[268] This is a podcast.

[269] I call that a Monday.

[270] Okay.

[271] You're having your iced coffee very loudly, and I'm trying to rain you in.

[272] That's right.

[273] But I don't think you're, I don't think you can be.

[274] You cannot rain me. No one can rain you in.

[275] Nor you, sir.

[276] Nor you.

[277] You're a wild four.

[278] Listen, most of this hair is not mine.

[279] I'm happy to be anywhere near you.

[280] It's like water in a desert, okay?

[281] Water in a freaking desert.

[282] I realize nobody can see me. I'm just happy to be with my people.

[283] Understood.

[284] I love that.

[285] I love that I'm your people.

[286] You are.

[287] God, you're so fidgety too.

[288] Sona, help me out here.

[289] Describe what's happening.

[290] Kristen Chenowitz, she's all over the map.

[291] Yes, I think she's a lot like you in that way where she can't.

[292] I mean, it seems like Kristen, you can't sit still, which is, I think, typical of a lot of performers.

[293] I'll tell you what's killing Kristen and I right now.

[294] No audiences.

[295] Yes.

[296] And I think it has driven Kristen over the edge.

[297] She's the first guest to say that she wants to pee on me, which, honest though that may be, she's lost her mind.

[298] She's gone crazy because Kristen Chenwith needs an audience the way any fish needs water.

[299] You do.

[300] And me too.

[301] The way you do, sir.

[302] Yes, I know.

[303] You're so formal with the sirs.

[304] We are not in court.

[305] You know what we should do, Conan?

[306] Why don't you and I, when it's safe, go on tour?

[307] Yes, I'll do it.

[308] Coco and KC.

[309] Yeah, well, listen.

[310] I think we'll give you top billing.

[311] I think that's only right, but I...

[312] You can have top billing as long as I have the most money.

[313] Oh, okay.

[314] Well, all right, then.

[315] My ego says, go for it.

[316] If I get to have lead billing.

[317] Now, listen, here's my question.

[318] I think you and I would destroy if we had a live show together.

[319] We would absolutely destroy.

[320] I already know this.

[321] That's what I'm saying to you, sir.

[322] Okay, but here's what I'm saying to you, ma 'am.

[323] Lady.

[324] Listen to me, lady.

[325] Listen to me, lady.

[326] If we had a show together, here's the problem.

[327] Inevitably, I know you're a great singer.

[328] And everyone says, Chris and Cheneweth has a 45 octave range.

[329] And she's amazing.

[330] And she's the best singer that ever lived in the world.

[331] Well, guess what?

[332] I'm a singer, too.

[333] And I will be acknowledged as a singer.

[334] And I think that would be a problem if we shared a stage, that I'd inevitably get to have my song, and you would have a problem with that.

[335] What's it called?

[336] I can't sing.

[337] No, that is not what the song is called.

[338] I can't sing.

[339] I know what we could do together, and we would slay, as the kids say.

[340] What?

[341] I really can't stay.

[342] It's cold outside.

[343] I've got to go.

[344] Of course, we could only do it in winter, but wouldn't we kill it?

[345] Well, isn't that?

[346] Is that the song that's become politically incorrect?

[347] Oh, great.

[348] It did, but they updated it.

[349] That explains my last record.

[350] Well, no, here's the problem is that I think on that song, it's a guy saying, you know, you want you to stay.

[351] I'll put something in your drink, you know.

[352] Isn't that, is that that song?

[353] Help me out.

[354] Matt, is that that song?

[355] Yeah, baby, it's cold outside.

[356] Yeah.

[357] Yes, it is.

[358] It's like the Christmas song with no consent.

[359] Yeah, yeah.

[360] And she's saying like, I really should go.

[361] And he's like, hey, baby, you know, the door.

[362] is it locked you know it's it's creepy it doesn't always by the way that explains my last record sales what are you talking about well that song's on it and you didn't change the lyrics to no but i had a thought like why am i going really can't stay really i got to go wait well then go like the whole thing happened but i didn't say anything a bolt of the door you're not going nowhere i've ripped out the phone this is our sketch no i think that's the problem good luck Getting out.

[363] I've got friends on the cops.

[364] My dad's the district attorney.

[365] My mom is a lawyer.

[366] But, no, I do think, I think you're going to have to acknowledge that I have some singing ability.

[367] I mean, I know not compared to.

[368] You're a musical.

[369] You're a musical person.

[370] Well, why can't you just say, yeah, you're a really good.

[371] singer.

[372] Why can't you say that with an operatic rain?

[373] Because that's all I have in this life.

[374] Let me have it.

[375] Okay.

[376] Let you have it.

[377] Okay.

[378] I'll let you have it.

[379] You'll be the singer of the two of us.

[380] Yes, please.

[381] You can have like your sort of pitch and I'll be right on the money.

[382] Yeah, you can do all that stuff.

[383] Like I've seen you, you can disable a computer with your voice.

[384] There's all this stuff.

[385] You can launch missiles if you hit a certain.

[386] All these cool things that Kristen can do that I've seen her do, like she can make a car alarm go off.

[387] She can dial anyone's phone without even touching it by going like and then suddenly she knows and she knows who to call she can call the EMTs.

[388] It's really amazing.

[389] You must have known as you were a child that you literally have a superpower.

[390] I think you're the only person I know who has a superpower.

[391] I think she froze up.

[392] Well, thank you.

[393] Did she freeze up?

[394] But, oh no. Is it Botox or am I frozen?

[395] You realize, Kristen, many times I've called you and said we were doing a podcast and we weren't.

[396] I just wanted to talk to you.

[397] To get away with it, I would then do long ads for State Farm Insurance.

[398] State Farm Repair, State Farm Replace.

[399] I love Macress Company.

[400] You know what?

[401] I've got to get a life because I know all the jingles.

[402] You know what I'm saying?

[403] I know all the No, I know.

[404] But like I say, getting back to what I was talking about is I am bouncing off the walls because I love audiences.

[405] And then I'm thinking to myself, who loves an audience probably even more than I do, Kristen Chenoweth and Stalin?

[406] Those are the two, you know, people that love a big, adoring crowd.

[407] And I'm not in any way equating you with, you know, that terrible mass murderer and despot.

[408] But I sometimes, I'm one of those people that thinks, if there's no crowd here, do I even exist?

[409] And I feel like you might be one of those people.

[410] What are you doing?

[411] Are you finding that you're performing more now for people?

[412] Like if I see anybody, even if they're eight feet away and wearing a mask, I try and get them to laugh in a way that often means they call the police.

[413] What are you doing?

[414] How are you getting your performer fix these days?

[415] I feel badly for my hotel mirror because no. Nobody's there, and yet I'm performing inside my bathroom in the mirror.

[416] And next door to me in Vancouver is Alan Cumming.

[417] And he bangs on the wall like, stop singing or stop doing your concert dialogue.

[418] But it sucks.

[419] Okay, there I said it.

[420] It stinks.

[421] I hate it.

[422] I feel starved.

[423] And I don't know what that says about me. Like, am I a narcissist?

[424] But it's really the relationship between artists and audience that only, live performers as opposed to did.

[425] Only live performers understand.

[426] Did you make a hongk, honk sound?

[427] That's what you did.

[428] Of course.

[429] No, no, but I understand.

[430] I understand what you're saying is that it is so hard to, and look, everyone's dealing with it in their own ways, but we've got to figure out a way to get audiences back.

[431] We've just got to.

[432] How do we do it, comment?

[433] Well, that's what I thought the podcast should be about.

[434] How do we do it?

[435] Is the two of us cracking it.

[436] Now, they talk about there's going to be a vaccine that's 90 % effective.

[437] And I don't think that's the way to go.

[438] Well, because what if you're that 10 % that tries it?

[439] You know what I mean?

[440] Whoops, a daisy.

[441] Yeah.

[442] No one says whoopsie daisy when they contract COVID.

[443] That's never happened.

[444] Whoopsy, Daisy.

[445] What happened?

[446] Lungs filling with fluid.

[447] That's never happened.

[448] That's not what happened.

[449] How do you know?

[450] Were you there in every single case?

[451] No. Maybe somebody went, whoopsie, daisy.

[452] At what point when the virus, the microscopic virus, entered their lung?

[453] Is that when they said whoopsie, Daisy?

[454] Maybe.

[455] Who are you to say?

[456] Who am I to say?

[457] Okay, let's talk about this.

[458] You say that you're in Vancouver right now and Alan Cumming is in the room next door.

[459] If I had to count the number of times I've checked into a hotel or a motel, and Alan Cumming was in the next room.

[460] I don't mean, it's like several hundred times.

[461] He's always every, you know.

[462] He just, ask anybody, ask any celebrity who's in a hotel, who's in the next room, it's always Alan coming.

[463] He just lives in hotels.

[464] He just goes in hotels and complains when other performers try and warm up.

[465] He's always complaining about the noises I'm making if you know what I mean.

[466] Ow!

[467] I know what you mean.

[468] Ow!

[469] Okay.

[470] You always have to do better than me. Yes.

[471] I do.

[472] All right, I'm going to show you some of my vocal range, and then it's time for you to be blown away.

[473] Mama Shaba!

[474] Now look at that.

[475] That was at least seven octaves in there, all at the same time.

[476] It was, but I don't know anyone who would pay, and also your tongue comes out of your brain when you do that, sir.

[477] Right.

[478] That's supposed to be erotic.

[479] That is supposed to be what gets the people in this.

[480] In another situation, perhaps.

[481] I understand.

[482] Help me because, again, I don't have your abilities.

[483] What do you do to be able to do?

[484] I mean, obviously you were born with this talent, but what do you have to do every day to keep the old pipes in tune?

[485] Well, I mean, probably similar to you, not really, but I have to get in the shower, warm up because the steam opens up the vocal folds, as we see.

[486] And then I like to work out the bottom part of my register and the top part of my register.

[487] which some would say my top is always warmed up if you know what I mean.

[488] Good God.

[489] The top's warmed up if the bottom's in good shape.

[490] I don't know.

[491] I'm trying to follow you on this.

[492] Anybody want to jump in?

[493] Conan, yes.

[494] Listen to me speak.

[495] Isn't my top always warmed up?

[496] Yes.

[497] Yes, it is.

[498] Your top is always warmed up.

[499] I mean, I sound like I've sucked helium.

[500] Your top is always warmed up.

[501] Yes, Conan.

[502] Again, again, with a lip chapstick.

[503] What's going on?

[504] I'm nervous.

[505] I just miss you and I need you in my life and I need this.

[506] Okay?

[507] I'm sweating.

[508] I'm yabba -dabba -doing everywhere.

[509] Okay.

[510] In another universe, let me ask something.

[511] Just like you.

[512] And I think my wife would be okay with me asking you this.

[513] But another universe, say, before I'm married, whatever, would you and I, could we have ever made it as a couple, do you think?

[514] Okay, here's what.

[515] Number one, I come up to your belt, so there's that.

[516] Number two, I feel like we would full on, let's get it on.

[517] And then after a month, we'd be like, but wait, it's my standup time.

[518] You listen.

[519] Exactly.

[520] Like, which one would give up the spotlight?

[521] But I love that you said, here's what makes me happy.

[522] You said we'd have our get it on time, and you implied it would last a month.

[523] And I, now, there's two ways to take that.

[524] There's the, I don't know how to take that.

[525] First of all, there's the, that it actually would last a month, which would make me feel amazing if word got out, that it was a month -long sexual orgy.

[526] That would be fantastic.

[527] The other is that you think you'd be like, after a month, yeah, that's the maximum amount of time.

[528] I could be Conan O 'Brien's.

[529] I'm going to say lady.

[530] And vice versa.

[531] No. And vice versa.

[532] I'd be that clingy, weird guy that kept, even after you told me very clearly it's over.

[533] I'd still keep showing up.

[534] So I just thought maybe we could, but it wasn't clear.

[535] Who's this guy?

[536] What's he doing here?

[537] I really can't stay.

[538] I'm about to go away.

[539] You know what, you, I always feel like you have your choice of things to do, but you're the perfect person, and I don't know if it's that the format has gone away, but to bring back the variety show.

[540] Like, that's, you'd be so fantastic at being the star of that kind of Carol Burnett variety show, and I'm guessing that's something that you've always been kind of intrigued with.

[541] Two things.

[542] Number one, if that ever happened, the first person on my list, and you can ask three arts management, is Conan O 'Brien with me. That's number one.

[543] You could ask them.

[544] Really?

[545] You'd want me up there?

[546] Yeah.

[547] You'd want me on the show.

[548] I'd be like the Lyle Wagner, the handsome guy and sketches.

[549] Harvey Corman more.

[550] Harvey Corman.

[551] Right, okay.

[552] Like, yeah, a guy that looks like Low Wagon but has the comic ability of a Harvey Corman.

[553] Got it.

[554] Second thing I want to say about it is one of my mentors, I have two, is Carol Burnett.

[555] And we talk about it quite often and she gives me the best advice.

[556] Only do it if it can be done like, and she's not saying this about herself, right?

[557] She's saying this about the show and all the elements that came to it.

[558] Only do this if it's been being done right, the way we did it with Bob Mackey, like costume designer, orchestration, decor, you know what I'm saying?

[559] Yep.

[560] That's the way to do it.

[561] And if it can't be done that way, which is expensive, as we both know, then why?

[562] Right.

[563] This is something I think you can relate to.

[564] I think when the pressure's on, my assumption about you is that when there's a lot of people watching and things, and of course this is what you cut your teeth on, but Broadway, an audience, it's got to be right now and it's got to be perfect, that that actually helps you need that.

[565] That enhances your performance.

[566] That makes you much better, that moment of right now, and it's got to be perfect.

[567] You need that pressure.

[568] I do better with the pressure.

[569] My mom and dad have told me that since I was a little, well, younger person.

[570] And they said since she were a very...

[571] Is it true that you were much taller?

[572] You were much taller when you were younger, right?

[573] You've got a whole Benjamin Button thing going on.

[574] I've seen pictures of you when you were like three and you were seven feet tall.

[575] Amazon, Amazon.

[576] Heidi Clum, watch out.

[577] Yeah, but it's hard to explain to people who don't have that.

[578] At the same time, I don't mean to sound arrogant.

[579] It's just I don't know how to not do anything else.

[580] I don't know how to not show up.

[581] When people say to me, don't worry about it to on the day.

[582] I don't know what on the day means.

[583] I mean, that's the other thing, too, is that people are always saying, what are you talking about?

[584] It's just this small thing.

[585] You're just going to get up and you're going to say some comments, and then they're going to cut the ribbon on the brand -new swimming pool at the YMCA.

[586] and I'm just as nervous as if it was, you know, White House Correspondence Dinner.

[587] So it doesn't, I don't know what that is.

[588] I've tried using all kinds of medications and nothing changes.

[589] Hello, hello Zoloff.

[590] So listen, I want to say something about this very subject.

[591] Song isn't just a song to me. It's a whole thing.

[592] It doesn't matter how short or long it is.

[593] It doesn't matter how Casey or Conan it is.

[594] It still matters.

[595] It's funny because you're also naturally so good with audiences.

[596] You're very funny and you're very funny on your feet.

[597] And I can tell you love that part of it, which is the old school.

[598] I got to get out there.

[599] I got to make these people laugh.

[600] And it may be, there'll be completely different laughs than any that I've gotten before, but I'm getting these with these people tonight.

[601] And that's proof to them that this isn't just a formula that you crank out for everybody.

[602] No. In fact, like I said, some of my best show has been on Schenectady or who's what's it built.

[603] It never seems to be like Carnegie Hall or like Walt Disney Hall.

[604] Of course they're wonderful.

[605] But to me, I'm happy with them.

[606] But at the same time, some of the just random places.

[607] It's just a lesson to us who do what we do live.

[608] Let it go.

[609] Throw it out there.

[610] Listen.

[611] two ears, one mouth, listen to the audience and feed off of it.

[612] The first advice I got when I came out to L .A., and this is, God, such a long time ago, it was just after World War II, and I came out to L .A. and just off my ship, got off in the Pacific, San Francisco, and then made my way down on an old tramp steamer and sort of hung out with some hobos for a while.

[613] It was a private detective for about two years.

[614] And then finally made my way to Los Angeles, and that gets us to about 1985, 86.

[615] And when I got there, when I was born.

[616] Yeah.

[617] When I got there, when I got there, I remember taking an improv class and the teacher stopping me and I was getting a lot of last, but the teacher stopped me and said, your problem is you think too much.

[618] And I knew then that she was wrong.

[619] Learned the same thing.

[620] And that I just needed to keep doing it my way.

[621] And that's why.

[622] No, but she was right.

[623] She was right.

[624] Like, listen and see where, what the opportunities are and see what's going and see what's happening and follow that.

[625] Ghali, it sounds like we had a same teacher.

[626] My teacher said, I can see you trying to be clever in advance.

[627] Therefore, you're not exactly in the moment.

[628] Everybody else loves it, but I see you.

[629] And when she nailed me for that, and she was right, it's a constant voice in my head, not the other voices.

[630] The ones that aren't telling you to kill and kill again.

[631] Go to the light, Caroline.

[632] Go to the light.

[633] No, it's true.

[634] I think the only thing that's strange about this format, this podcast format, which I started on just a complete lark, was that I like that you can't really have too much of a plan going in.

[635] You can, but it's really not what it's about.

[636] It's about following whatever undulations and curly cues and little eddies you come upon.

[637] and that's usually where the really good stuff is.

[638] It's not trying to force it.

[639] And then later on, adding kooky sound effects.

[640] You had me to Little Eddie.

[641] You know a small stream.

[642] You know what an Eddie is, sound right?

[643] A little...

[644] A little...

[645] Huh?

[646] What?

[647] It's a little stream.

[648] Matt Garley, help me out.

[649] It's a whirlpool.

[650] It's a little whirlpool.

[651] Yeah, it's a stream.

[652] Well, it's in a stream.

[653] There will be an Eddie.

[654] There'll be an Eddie in a stream.

[655] No, yeah, you're right.

[656] It's a little whirlpool.

[657] Please be quiet while we sort out what an Eddie is.

[658] This is a time for you to stand down.

[659] I shouldn't have snapped at you.

[660] Standing down on the little Eddie note.

[661] Snap away.

[662] Look at you again.

[663] Look at you.

[664] What is that?

[665] Help me out.

[666] It's not just so that people at home don't think I'm a creep.

[667] Kristen has spent most of the interview luxuriating with her chapstick lip.

[668] Is it a touch up?

[669] It's Canada.

[670] I'm drawing.

[671] I'm dry as a bone.

[672] Probably not the sexiest thing I've ever heard.

[673] See, now Matt's doing it too.

[674] Matt, when you do it, it's not sexy.

[675] No, it really isn't.

[676] Kristen is doing all this stuff and I'm just losing my mind.

[677] And then the shot of you looks like you're some kind of a rodent chewing on a stick.

[678] Yeah, I'm with you.

[679] I'm going to leave.

[680] No, no, no. No, I, not that just, it was good.

[681] It stopped me from getting too carried away.

[682] Well, listen, if anybody takes any one thing out of the thing out of the thing.

[683] this podcast.

[684] It's that Kristen Chenoweth and I, had there been an alternate universe where we were together, it would have been a very passionate month.

[685] It would have lasted a month.

[686] No, a very passionate month, but I'm going to say too much passion, that you would have realized that will destroy me. That's too much passion, it will destroy me, and I must get away from this man. Did I interpret that correctly?

[687] Let's not go crazy.

[688] What?

[689] I think I probably lost my mind there.

[690] a little bit.

[691] I apologize to everyone listening.

[692] How did you twist it like that?

[693] Don't you love the modern technology and the delay?

[694] Isn't it just our words?

[695] It is.

[696] It is.

[697] It is.

[698] They have this technology, I'm told advanced technology that allows me to speak to you while you're in Vancouver.

[699] But then pretty soon it starts to become you say something and then I wait while it comes through a pneumatic tube over 600 miles in a canister and then I read it and I go, huh, Kristen said that she likes the cut of my jib maybe I'll flirt back and tell her you're not so bad yourself and I put it in a little canister and it shoots towards you that's what we've been reduced to and I'll say, is this from Little Eddie?

[700] Little Eddie.

[701] It's my nickname.

[702] I can't stop.

[703] I can't, it's not my...

[704] It's a comedy killer but yet we're still killing it If I'm, you didn't ask, but I'm telling.

[705] Well, also, we can add huge laughs at any point here.

[706] It's, I can, I can afford that.

[707] Oh, right.

[708] Why don't we do that?

[709] Why don't we just add massive, massive laughs and huge cheering sounds?

[710] Matt, will you do that for us?

[711] Yeah, this podcast was filmed before a live studio.

[712] Yeah, this, we took no COVID protocols.

[713] No one was tested.

[714] No one wore a mask.

[715] We were all sitting on each other's laps.

[716] And, uh, uh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, um.

[717] Oh, the well, Oh, it's Fargo wagon is a...

[718] Another note I can't hit.

[719] I need to go away.

[720] No, you don't.

[721] Well, I want to ask you about this show, Candy Land.

[722] It's on the Food Network.

[723] It's the series.

[724] Tell me about Candy Land.

[725] Is this the actual game, Candy Land?

[726] Does it have anything to do with that game?

[727] Well, first of all, Conan, when the Food Network called, I said, I have to wait and think about this because I'm such a baker.

[728] I thought about it for 20 seconds, and we were in the pandemic.

[729] I thought, give me a face shield.

[730] put me on a set, look at it as you're going to learn something and you're going to have these great artists molding and sculpting out of sugar and confection.

[731] And I just, they're real artists.

[732] What they do is true artistry.

[733] I could never do it.

[734] I can play Candyland at age five.

[735] But when I walked on the set, it was like Candyland had come to life and I was just one of the game pieces.

[736] It was a wonderful surprise.

[737] You know what it is?

[738] It's like it's architecture.

[739] You know, the really good bakers, candy makers, they're architects.

[740] They're actually thinking about like load bearing and how is this going to be three -dimensional and how is this going to sparkle and shine and work.

[741] So it's pretty awesome.

[742] It's pretty amazing.

[743] Are you, now do you get to then eat?

[744] The whole set was edible, Conan.

[745] So I walked on set.

[746] The trees were cotton candy.

[747] And the set designer's like, please don't eat the trees.

[748] Leave the licorice lagoon alone.

[749] It was incredibly hard for me not to nervous eats.

[750] I was nervous eating because there was lollipop village, lemon lime forest, peppermint forest.

[751] Also, when most of the candies are taller than you, and this is true.

[752] Peppermint forest, the sticks of peppermint, I was like, did anybody ask my height?

[753] Because they completely went, everything was so massive.

[754] Massive.

[755] I just, I loved it.

[756] I just loved it.

[757] I loved it.

[758] I missed it.

[759] And you're going to enjoy it because of the drama.

[760] Right.

[761] It's the, it's all the drama of, those are my favorite shows.

[762] The food competition shows are my favorite shows.

[763] I like shows where you have to have a skill.

[764] Those are the shows I like the most.

[765] And where people, you know, that's like British baking show or any of these shows where someone is demonstrating that they have an ability and they actually know things.

[766] Those are the shows I like.

[767] I like those shows a lot better than, ha, ha, you're stupid, and we've got footage of you making a mistake.

[768] I feel like that's cutting into what I do.

[769] You know, that's sort of what I've carved out that niche, and people should leave it the fuck alone.

[770] It's yours, baby.

[771] We give it to you.

[772] Thank you.

[773] Well, I'm looking forward to seeing it.

[774] You're hosting this show.

[775] It's on the Food Network, and it's called Candy Land.

[776] This looks like it's going to be, It looks like it'd be great.

[777] This was a show I can also watch with my kids.

[778] My son, who just turned 15, is an avid baker.

[779] He loves making cookies and stuff like that.

[780] And he also is always looking for a show like this.

[781] So I'll be watching this with him.

[782] He's 15.

[783] Yeah, he's 15.

[784] Did I take like five Ambien?

[785] What happened?

[786] Seriously, what happened?

[787] They grow.

[788] Time goes by.

[789] You and I have known each other a long time.

[790] He did grow.

[791] We did feed him, and he did grow.

[792] And now, what's that like?

[793] What is that like?

[794] I wouldn't know, sir.

[795] No, I wasn't taunting you.

[796] Listen, you're going to, there's still a chance.

[797] You could still grow.

[798] It could happen any time now.

[799] I think there's a lot of hope for you.

[800] Really?

[801] Here's my hope.

[802] My hope is that you and I get to the other side of this pandemic, and I would love to get into an in front of an audience with you in any way.

[803] And if I have to take second billing, and if I have to take a huge pay cut, Because all the money's going to do the diva, the big star with the 35 octave range, and I'm just the big goof.

[804] I'll do it.

[805] I'll do it because you and I'll have a great time.

[806] Wouldn't that be fun?

[807] I'd love to do that.

[808] You heard it here.

[809] Oh, yes.

[810] Yes, it would be fun.

[811] And I would love it so much.

[812] And you heard it here first, everybody.

[813] I didn't lure him.

[814] I didn't make him.

[815] I'll pay you later.

[816] You did lure me. You have been provocatively.

[817] chap sticking your lips constantly this entire interview and there you go again good Lord insanity he's here too all right well listen I want you to behave yourself why you're up there okay much love much love to you I know I want to make sure I let you go because I think they said you have to be out in two minutes and I want to give you time to rehydrate your lips seven more times before your next Zoom interview Can we please go on tour?

[818] Can we please go on tour when it gets safe?

[819] All right, I could do a tour, but we've got to find some things that I can do.

[820] Yes, I can get them to laugh.

[821] But people need to know that I can sing as well.

[822] Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling.

[823] And I'm doing a thing with my voice.

[824] I sound like Rudy Valley in 1920.

[825] 24 on a phonograph that's made of human shit.

[826] Human shit.

[827] All right, well, God bless you.

[828] I do love you, Chris and Chenoweth.

[829] You're one of my favorite people.

[830] And let's see each other on the other side of this madness, okay?

[831] Yes, I love you.

[832] Same back at you.

[833] Bye, guys.

[834] And later.

[835] Bye.

[836] Bye.

[837] Bye.

[838] Let's do a little review the reviewers.

[839] This is also a good time to say that listeners should rate and review this podcast.

[840] And I'll tell you what, you give it a five -star rating.

[841] There's a better chance of getting your review talked about on this segment.

[842] So go to Apple Podcasts and do that.

[843] So we're actually, we're skewing the reviews by saying that.

[844] Yeah, and that's okay.

[845] That is generally an accepted behavior in podcasting, whatever it takes to get the highest reviews.

[846] It's like a little extortion.

[847] Yeah, it's Paola.

[848] Yeah.

[849] Yeah, we might mention you if you give us a five -star review.

[850] Yeah.

[851] Look, I hope the quality of our work, or craftsmanship, if you will, would be enough to garner us a five -star review.

[852] But if that's not the case, yes, we will mention you and who knows.

[853] We might send you like a case of Bartlett pairs.

[854] We're not going to.

[855] No. I just said that as an example of something that might happen slash will never happen.

[856] You'll never get Bartlett pairs from us.

[857] Okay, this first review is five stars.

[858] Wow, how did that happen?

[859] From Chowee Howe, and the title is Conan is the best English teacher ever.

[860] Conan O 'Brien, I'm Howie Chow from China.

[861] I've made a huge progress on my English since I started listening to your podcast during this pandemic.

[862] Every day, no matter what I'm doing, I want to hear your voice.

[863] I imitate your pronunciation, repeat what you said in the show, try to speak an authentic English, and now every people who talk with me says that I sound like a pervert.

[864] Oh, my God.

[865] That got me. That was good.

[866] You know what?

[867] He had me. He seemed so sincere.

[868] And then at the end, pervert.

[869] That's fantastic.

[870] I'm proud.

[871] You know, I've met many people over the course of my many years doing this who've told me, you know, all that they could get was our show or they used to watch the show when they were in a foreign country.

[872] And that's how they learned English.

[873] Huh.

[874] I think your English, Sona, improved a lot.

[875] No, no, once you started working for me. Well, I'm a national speech champion, so I was already crushing it.

[876] Yeah.

[877] Have you ever talked about that?

[878] You're very proud of it.

[879] Yeah, I talk about it all the time.

[880] I know.

[881] Now, was that graded on a curve of you came from Armenia so that it was, no, no, I'm just, I'm trying to understand.

[882] Hey, if you learn to speak English by listening to Conan, do you pronounce Saturday Night Live, Rob?

[883] Sad Night Live.

[884] It's San Night Live, because I told, I explain this to everybody.

[885] Lauren was actually born in the South.

[886] People don't know that.

[887] He was born in Toronto, and then he lived for a while in the South.

[888] And so he does pronounce it Saturday Night Live, and we always do a little tip of the cat.

[889] happen to Lorne.

[890] Every time you talk to someone and you...

[891] You have hard G's.

[892] You have very hard G's.

[893] Oh, go.

[894] Wow.

[895] Okay.

[896] Sorry, you do.

[897] Oh, let me go cry about it.

[898] Your Gs are like a big glass ashtray climbing on the floor.

[899] If there's a G at the end of the word, I pronounce it.

[900] So maybe you do it wrong.

[901] That's all.

[902] No, you'll say that's a nice ring.

[903] That's a nice ring.

[904] It's just ring.

[905] Ring.

[906] No, there's no gah.

[907] We've been through this a lot.

[908] Howie.

[909] Saturday Night Live.

[910] I'm proud of you.

[911] That's very cool that we've helped you.

[912] I'm sorry that you sound like a pervert, but if you imitate a man who deep down is perverted and has perverted feelings, then you're going to eventually sound like a pervert.

[913] So that's on you, Howie.

[914] You know, you could have, there are many great people you could have listened to and not sounded like a pervert, but you chose an actual man who deep down in his core is a pervert.

[915] So, but I'm very proud of that, and I hope you're listening to me more than you're listening to Sona because her Gs are very hard.

[916] Guys, as an objective editor of this podcast, I can tell you it's true.

[917] Sona does ring her Gs harder, but there are things you both do that I have to fix.

[918] Like Conan, you start a lot of phrases with mouth snaps.

[919] Yeah, you know why, don't you?

[920] To get attention.

[921] No, that's not why I do it.

[922] I mean, like sometimes it gets people to stop speaking because it sounds like you're about to speak.

[923] it's a little signifier.

[924] You know why I do it, don't you?

[925] Oh, I just heard it.

[926] That's the sound of me taking little pills that keep me alive.

[927] So fuck you.

[928] I have to take constantly, I have these very small pills.

[929] Hold on.

[930] There are these very small pills I have to take that sustain my life because I have a very unknown condition.

[931] Very unknown.

[932] Very unknown.

[933] It's not unknown.

[934] It's very unknown.

[935] It's very unknown.

[936] And the only, they thank God.

[937] They found these pills.

[938] They're very small, and I have to take them often when I'm starting a sentence.

[939] Well, the listener might not know it because I cut a lot of them out.

[940] Right.

[941] And, Sona, you clear your throat a lot.

[942] Oh, I do.

[943] I know that I do that.

[944] See, I take ownership of the things that I do and the things that I say and pronounce them correctly, or if I clear my throat, I'm like, yeah, you're right, I do that.

[945] I don't say I take a life -saving pill that no one knows about just to make up for my week.

[946] And you're in broadcasting.

[947] You've been in broadcasting.

[948] Have I really?

[949] Yeah, for 28 years.

[950] You know, can I just say I've never really been a professional.

[951] I've been someone who found myself in broadcasting and behaved in this outrageous way.

[952] And it has been somehow a career.

[953] But I'm not one of those people that went to broadcasting school or ever had any, no one ever gave me any training.

[954] So if there's the occasional lip smack as I eat tiny little pills that keep me alive, let's let it go.

[955] Oh, look what Howie's done to you guys.

[956] No, no. You know what?

[957] Let's stick to the bigger picture.

[958] Oh, there was.

[959] Do you hear you?

[960] He's cleared my throat.

[961] Yeah.

[962] Sonner cleared her throat.

[963] And let's just hope she never says Ringling Brothers Circus.

[964] Let's just hope you never start a sentence.

[965] That's why I keep talking, so I never have to start.

[966] You're life -saving pills.

[967] I thank you very much for editing the show and making it sound good.

[968] But let's stick to the inspirational part of this, which is a man named Howie who lives in China, is learning to speak English by listening to our podcast.

[969] And that, to me, is a beautiful thing.

[970] It's proof that we can learn from each other, be brothers and be sisters.

[971] I think that's a beautiful thing.

[972] Okay.

[973] Hold on a second.

[974] Hold on.

[975] More life.

[976] Get to live a little longer.

[977] Oh, you guys.

[978] I didn't mean to do this to you.

[979] Yeah, you took two people who don't get along and got us not getting along.

[980] This wasn't even about me. This question was about you.

[981] That's another thing you do.

[982] Me, you extend your ease.

[983] Is that true, Matt?

[984] Is that true?

[985] Me. She'll say, I don't know.

[986] Don't bother me. this question was not about me it was about you i don't know why i got sucked into it i honestly don't know i didn't he told you you sound like a perv and then you just started talking about my hard jeez i don't know why a guy that goes would sound like a perv there's nothing pervy at all about that don't do that sound don't do it in the microphone like that oh oh i don't even think it's that he said it was like a yeah is it a Yeah, where did you get up?

[987] Well, wait a minute.

[988] Howie didn't even bring it up.

[989] It's our genius producer over here who decided to dredge up the worst parts of our show.

[990] I should do a super cut.

[991] Air our dirty laundry in front of everybody.

[992] That's terrible.

[993] Yeah, you're just a genius man. Yeah, I have a real brain trust.

[994] Or as you would say, genius.

[995] Okay.

[996] This needs to end.

[997] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Sonam Obsessian and Conan O 'Brien as himself.

[998] Produced by me, Matt Goreley.

[999] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf.

[1000] Theme song by the White Stripes.

[1001] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1002] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1003] The show is engineered by Will Bechtin.

[1004] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[1005] Got a question for Conan?

[1006] Call the Team Coco hotline.

[1007] at 323 -451, 2821, and leave a message.

[1008] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1009] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1010] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.