The No.1 Celebrity Therapist: The WEIRD Trick To Get Your Sex Life Back, Fix Erections & Increase Fertility! - Marisa Peer

[0] I taught 16 ,000 therapists.

[1] There's only three things wrong with every person that turns up at your door.

[2] First of all, Marissa Piers, a worldwide renowned therapist whose royalty international superstars, CEOs, and Olympic athletes.

[3] This woman definitely knows a thing or 2 ,000, about how we take control of our thoughts.

[4] 80 % of your success is down to your beliefs, but also damages so many people because if you're thinking I'm not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, Your mind's job is to make your thoughts real, even if it's not true.

[5] A classic example of sex.

[6] So many of my clients couldn't conceive because their husband didn't have enough sperm.

[7] But when men have sex with a stranger, they triple their sperm count.

[8] And porn really damages so many people because it's an impossible expectation to live up to.

[9] So many people have affairs, not because they don't love their partner, but because they're missing out.

[10] But it's all about what you have chosen to believe.

[11] So you've got to reverse that language.

[12] And the other thing that people do a lot, it really messes up your sex life to call your partner, mommy, or daddy.

[13] Because...

[14] Marissa, how do I avoid sugar that seems to grab me?

[15] Food has memories, not the chocolate, it's the feeling you felt when you couldn't have it.

[16] And you can give yourself the feeling without the thing anyway.

[17] It's really easy, too.

[18] How?

[19] Should I hypnotize you so we can change it?

[20] Let's do it now.

[21] Okay.

[22] Close your eyes.

[23] And here's the magic sentence.

[24] that changes your life.

[25] I got hypnotised.

[26] In this episode, Marissa hypnotises me to completely end my sugar cravings and you're going to see it happen and you're going to find out if it works.

[27] So stick around.

[28] Marissa, I've been trying to figure something out.

[29] I've been trying to figure out if we get to choose our beliefs.

[30] Mm -hmm.

[31] And I actually read about this in my book recently and I feel like you're the person to ask this question because I know that our lives are governed by these beliefs that we have about the world, ourselves and everything in between, but can we choose them?

[32] I think so.

[33] You know, when I was here last of you, you asked me about my childhood, which I don't talk about a lot.

[34] It wasn't awful, but also it wasn't amazing.

[35] But the beliefs I had then, so totally different to the beliefs I have now, because I chose to give myself better beliefs, because, you know, you make your beliefs, and then your beliefs turn and write around and make you, and then confirmation bias means you look for proof of what you have chosen.

[36] to believe and you'll find it so if you say oh i hate cats they're vicious things that scratch you they're really aloof or i don't like dogs they're barky yappy horrible things then if you believe that about a dog and you meet a dog you'll feel so anxious that that will become true but if you say oh i love dogs they're the most loyal gorgeous loving things then you'll have a different energy around them so you should choose your beliefs you should constantly upgrade update question your belief where did I get that from?

[37] Is that true?

[38] Who told me that belief?

[39] And even if it's true for them, does it have to be true for me?

[40] You know, I see a lot of women who say things like, well, you know, if you're really famous and rich, you'll never find a guy, because 100 years ago, that was probably true.

[41] Men didn't go for rich, successful women because they wanted them at home, but it's not true now.

[42] So your grandmother's belief is not your belief.

[43] I love my daughter's generation who don't do body shaming or fat shaming and have a whole different language.

[44] I think it's so refreshing.

[45] So you can always choose your beliefs and you really should constantly check why do I even believe that?

[46] Is it even true?

[47] Because so often it's not true at all, it's just something you've been taught or you've just gone along with it anyway.

[48] So in the case of cats then, you know, I like all animals, but cats, I do think, you know, the way you describe them then, a little bit scratchy, sometimes a little bit, you know, annoying, not as loving as dogs, maybe I'm going to annoy a lot of cat people here.

[49] If that is my belief, if I say to myself, okay, no, cats are wonderful, they're lovely, you know, they're fantastic, they don't scratch, etc. I feel like I'm just lying to myself.

[50] And I, you know, this is the case with self -belief as well.

[51] I could, I could say that I'm amazing and attractive and all these things.

[52] But in my subconscious mind, after getting, I don't know, bullied at seven years old by a kid that called me fat and whatever else, am I just not lying to myself?

[53] Well, I think you should lie to yourself.

[54] I think you should lie to yourself.

[55] I think you should lie, cheat and steal every day of your life, lie to your mind, cheat fear, and steal back the confidence you were born.

[56] So let's imagine you're going for an exam.

[57] You go, I'm going to fail it.

[58] I'm going to mess it up.

[59] I've got a terrible memory.

[60] I know when I read that paper, my mind's going to go blank and I'm going to blow it.

[61] So that's a belief.

[62] But you could also say, I've got a great memory.

[63] Everything I studied for this exam is in my head when I read the paper.

[64] The questions are going to come up.

[65] And I'm going to remember the answers.

[66] And I'm super chill at exam.

[67] exams, I'm cool, calm, collected.

[68] I'm going to ace this exam.

[69] So if you repeat that over and over again, you see, the subconscious doesn't think it just feels.

[70] And if you say, I'm nervous, I'm so nervous, and the subconscious feels that, then when you're nervous, the mind shuts down, while the blood rushes to your heart and your mind empties, it's like, if you're crossing a road in a car comes, don't think, should I go left, right, forwards, backwards, you just move, because in fear, you don't think you move.

[71] So when you're scared, your mind.

[72] empties.

[73] I remember years ago I was coming home and this guy was following me and I knew I was following me and I knew I had minutes to get in my door and I couldn't get the key and I couldn't remember which way to do.

[74] I'm like oh my God I have all the times to forget how this key works.

[75] I lived here for five years but I was so scared I couldn't remember how to open my door at all because when you're scared your brain empties and so if you go into an exam going I'm scared I'm nervous you won't do well but if you say I got a great memory I love exams I'm excited about this exam.

[76] I'm so excited.

[77] I'm going to be assessed.

[78] I'm going to do really well or I'm going to this assessment.

[79] I'm going to ace it.

[80] This person's going to love me and see that I'm so smart and my answers will show them that I know I'm talking about.

[81] The mind doesn't go, well, come on that silly.

[82] The mind goes, okay, whatever you say, you make it real.

[83] Your mind's job is to make your thoughts real.

[84] The subconscious doesn't think it only feels.

[85] And if your mind's job is to make your thoughts real and your job is to think better thoughts all the time so imagine you're going to have a needle stuck in your arm you go oh that's going to hurt and that's going to be so pain but you could i was read my phone and if you cough just as the needle goes in it confuses your mind and you don't feel it is that lying or is it just taking your mind somewhere else that's the because i i think if i can choose my beliefs then i can un choose beliefs but i couldn't I think of a single belief I have now that I could genuinely un -chuse.

[86] I can say it.

[87] Yes.

[88] But I think I'd still believe it.

[89] Yeah, but the thing with the mind is, there's a couple of rules of the mind.

[90] One is, let me give you a couple that will help you.

[91] Every thought you think is a blueprint that your mind and body work to make real.

[92] Every thought you think has a physical reaction and indeed an emotional response.

[93] And here's another one.

[94] The mind learns by repetition.

[95] So when you think a thought a lot over and a moment.

[96] over again, it becomes real, even if it's not real.

[97] So if you think a thought, my neighbor's driving me crazy.

[98] They're so noisy.

[99] I can never sleep.

[100] I can hear their television.

[101] They're getting on my nerves.

[102] It'll become your reality.

[103] If you say, it's a little bit irritating, but I can put my headphones on.

[104] I can tune out.

[105] Then you'll have a different reaction to the same event.

[106] You know, we don't have to change events.

[107] We have to change how we think about the events.

[108] It's like saying, oh, this commute to work is killing me. You know, this being on this freeway is driving me crazy.

[109] But someone else would go, wow, I'd love to be on.

[110] You've got a car and you're going to a job when you're getting paid.

[111] That's my fantasy dream come true.

[112] Don't have to change a thing.

[113] You have to change how you think about the thing.

[114] So that is changing your beliefs.

[115] And a belief is really just the thought you think a lot.

[116] So you're born as a blank slate.

[117] Where did you get those thoughts from who gave them to you so the beliefs you think you can't change where do they come from let's do that know where do the beliefs you think you can't change come from so i think one of the recurring beliefs i've had about myself yes which i think goes back as long as i can remember to be honest is that i am fundamentally unorganized unorganized okay i think people will be surprised to hear that because i'm very i'd say productive my output is high but the organization of my stuff even if you looked in my bag it would be like a jumble sale my house as well if i didn't have a cleaning i think it would be you know it'll be like a bomb had gone off in there i heard you saying actually on a podcast that when you go your hotel room is very messy and it upsets you but not enough to make you change it you've been listening i have been listening no you're right i think there's a habit or something that i've built into myself where i think i've told myself it's faster to be messy yes and but then the the dissonance or the the issue that I take with it is that's not who I want to be I want to be a messy person I want to be someone who comes into their hotel room goes into their suitcase and hangs everything up so that tomorrow is easier what happens is I dive into the suitcase pull my gym equipment out and run to the gym and it's something I want to change because it's almost like this concession in my life where I've gone well that's just who I am I'm just a messy person and I think we all label ourselves and of course when you do that now you're making it really say, you know, I can't spell, but my dad couldn't spell.

[118] And now it's genetic.

[119] So every time you say I'm just a messy person, the strongest force in you and everyone in the world is you must act in a way that utterly matches up with how you have chosen to define you.

[120] So if you start by changing that and saying, I love being organized.

[121] It gives me such joy to be organized.

[122] I love putting someone.

[123] When you say it, say it, say it, it will start to change.

[124] So for the last three weeks, I've been staying in a place with an amazing gym.

[125] And I started to say, I love it.

[126] I love it.

[127] I love it.

[128] I love it.

[129] I love it's, when you say, love working out with really, really heavy weights because, you know, I got run over and I started to get muscle weightage in my leg.

[130] I was going, I love heavy, heavy weights.

[131] I love it.

[132] And I was really a Pilates yoga person.

[133] But for the last few weeks, I get up and I'm in the gym at half seven, I love heavy weights.

[134] And I didn't like it before, but I decided to say it over and over again, because when you say, state, and affirm something, your mind must make it real.

[135] So all you have to do really is to start saying a lot, I love being.

[136] organized.

[137] It gives me immense joy to put stuff.

[138] I love it when everything's in its place and I'm in a hotel and sure I run to it when I come back I put my gym kit in a particular place and I love that feeling of being super organized and very quickly it will start to change because you're thinking a thought that your mind has no choice but to make real.

[139] So interesting.

[140] But it's also true.

[141] You know, you think a thought and your mind can't help it.

[142] It has to make, you know, we do that.

[143] We did that thing with a lemon, didn't we, where you think you're eating a lemon.

[144] Have we ever done that?

[145] What's that?

[146] Well, let's do it now.

[147] So put your hand in front of your mouth.

[148] Yeah.

[149] Imagine you're holding half of a great big, big, fat, juicy lemon.

[150] Close your eyes and just put that lemon right up to your nose and breathe in that amazing lemon smell because nothing really smells quite like a lemon.

[151] Now, squeeze that lemon so hard so that lemon drops, pucker onto the surface, stick out your tongue, lick off the lemon.

[152] open your mouth really wide and shove that entire lemon into your mouth and I want you to start sucking and biting and chewing all the flesh literally bite into that lemon until the lemon drops burst onto your tongue and your taste buds pucker and swell as you start to chew that lemon suck that lemon swirl that lemon all around your mouth keep eating the lemon suck it chew it swirl it around and then open your eyes Did you start pumping out saliva?

[153] Yes, I did.

[154] And so here's a question.

[155] Was there a lemon?

[156] No, there was no lemon.

[157] That's true.

[158] There was no lemon.

[159] But you could also say yes, which is also true.

[160] They're both true.

[161] No, there wasn't.

[162] But yes, there actually was.

[163] Where was it?

[164] Where was the lemon that was making you make saliva?

[165] In my head?

[166] In your head.

[167] Yeah, it wasn't anywhere else.

[168] It was in your head.

[169] Just do another one.

[170] Put your right arm out towards me. And just swing your arm behind you as far as it will go.

[171] And have a look at where it's gone.

[172] Just look behind.

[173] you to notice where it is.

[174] Bring it back.

[175] I think you went up to like the third book on that bookshelf.

[176] I want you to imagine, close your eyes and tell your mind my arm's going to go a third further.

[177] I'm now like a bendy, Barbie and Ken doll.

[178] My arm is so flexible.

[179] It's going further.

[180] I want you to imagine all the muscles in your right arm becoming super flexible like cook pasta.

[181] Open your eyes.

[182] Put your arm out.

[183] And say to your arm, you're going a third further now.

[184] You're going a third.

[185] The pretzel.

[186] You're super flexible.

[187] Go a third further.

[188] Swing your arm back and just watch as it goes a third further.

[189] Now look at how far it's gone.

[190] You were any up to the third book before.

[191] So what happened then?

[192] I just believed my arm was going to go further.

[193] And it did.

[194] Yeah.

[195] And you see, and for men, I get men who say, you know, I can't please my wife.

[196] I can't an erection.

[197] I can't keep it going and she's going to leave me. And if I tell them other things, you know, you're a great lover, you can maintain an erection for 20 minutes or 10 minutes or the average is about four and a half minutes.

[198] That starts to happen.

[199] They don't do anything else.

[200] It's that listen to a recording that says you have longer erections.

[201] You can have a great sex life.

[202] You can wait until your partner orgasms.

[203] And it all becomes true because every time they say, but I can't do it.

[204] It's all over in a minute.

[205] I can't please her or him.

[206] they actually make that real.

[207] But when you just change a thought, you know, there's a song called Love Changes Everything by Climmy Fisher, but actually thoughts change everything.

[208] When you think a thought, it's such a game changer.

[209] Erections.

[210] Yes.

[211] It's so interesting because in my friendship group with my male friends, we've spoken about sex life, libido, erections.

[212] Of course.

[213] We've all struggled in different ways at different times with this.

[214] And it's one of the areas in life where it's so clear to me that thoughts are the problem and the solution.

[215] Yeah, because again, if a man thinks about sex, looks at pictures, looks at a movie and gets aroused, you get a very physical reaction straight away, even if there's no one in the room with you.

[216] So that's a classic example of thinking a thought about being aroused, turned on, feeling.

[217] sexually attracted and your body makes it really even there's no one there and it can be at a wedding can be an event it can be highly embarrassing for a guy to get an erection in the wrong place but if you think a thought i'm turned on here the body makes it does it for women too but it's not so obvious for us we can kind of hide it but yes it's a thought i can't do it i can i'm going to fail i'm going to succeed do you work with people often that have sexual dysfunction all the time is it becoming more popular or more prevalent in your view?

[218] I think people are more able to talk about it.

[219] A lot of women can't orgasm.

[220] I can't orgasm at all.

[221] I don't know what to do.

[222] All my friends are having massive orgasms.

[223] But me, the more I try, the harder it is.

[224] I don't think that's true.

[225] Apparently, our grandmother's had more sex than us.

[226] But I think now we have all this pressure.

[227] We watch porn.

[228] We watch other people talking about their amazing sex.

[229] We think, oh, I'm not like that.

[230] But it's very easy to make your body.

[231] super orgasmic.

[232] But I think before, we didn't talk about that.

[233] My grandmother would have never talked about orgasms or having a design a vagina or a Brazilian didn't even know what that was.

[234] So we're in a different generation now where, you know, every year there's another way to hate your body.

[235] Even your genitals have got to be perfect now.

[236] And I think it's so much pressure for people.

[237] I've got to look like a porn star, have sex like a porn star.

[238] And porn really damages so many people because it's such an impossible expectation to live up to.

[239] Seems that pressure as it relates to sex is like the antithesis.

[240] It's the enemy of, especially for, I can only speak from a guy's perspective because that's what I've ever been.

[241] But if there's ever pressure in the bedroom, there is zero chance I'm getting an erection.

[242] Of course, because comparisonism is a thief of joy.

[243] And we're so busy comparing ourselves to porn stars and someone who looks like the Kardashians who has a perfect body and everything's perfect.

[244] It's not really like that.

[245] Have you ever worked with men that have sexual dysfunction issues?

[246] Yeah, a lot of men with premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, all of it.

[247] I've got a friend who I would say if it was me, okay, because I feel like I like to be honest.

[248] Everyone's got a friend.

[249] It's always about a friend.

[250] It sounds like I'm talking about someone like talking about myself.

[251] But there's a couple of things I'll talk about from my own perspective in the sexual department.

[252] But my friend was in a relationship.

[253] He was in the relationship for a couple of years.

[254] and then halfway through the relationship he could no longer keep an erection and he was talking to me a lot about it and then he ended up ending the relationship because he had convinced himself it was impossible to change that and in fact I know a lot of guys that struggle with this and there was a point where I was one of them where I just seemed to get this thought in my head about sex and I struggled to keep an erection but also just to keep myself to want sex.

[255] There's going to be people listening to this right now that are in that situation where something is just changed.

[256] Every time they go to bed, it's just this high pressure situation.

[257] They can't get an erection, therefore they're avoidant of having sex.

[258] What do you say to those people?

[259] You know, it's really interesting because we want intimacy.

[260] We think, oh, I want to fall in love with someone that finishes my sentences, that knows when I'm hungry, that knows them having a bad day, that just knows me inside out and loves my very soul, which is wonderful, but what great sex requires is mystery, what eroticism requires, is not intimacy at all.

[261] So in the beginning, even for the first, it's all new, you don't know what they're gonna do, how they're gonna do it, it's all very exciting, it's all new.

[262] And so for men especially, you know, it's great maybe for the first two years, and then it's like, oh, like one of my clients said, every time my husband comes to bed with just his pajama top on, and I want sex, but it's so unromantic.

[263] I mean, he just, doesn't bother to put the pajama bottoms on.

[264] It's like, oh, God, is that his idea of foreplay?

[265] I mean, it's always every Saturday morning before we go and do the food shop, and it's so predictable.

[266] Many people have affairs, not because they don't love their partner, but because they're missing out.

[267] So you have intimacy.

[268] Which is like the love.

[269] Being in love and knowing each other and loving each other and, you know, not caring if your wife's got her period or your husband's got a bit of bad breath or they're tired or they've got a cold.

[270] You just love them anyway.

[271] Then you have eroticism, which is amazing sex, great sex.

[272] And eroticism really likes mystery, suspense, a bit of edginess, a bit of naughtiness, bit of the unknown.

[273] And they don't go together.

[274] They really don't go together at all.

[275] But there is one thing that makes them to go to, and that's called fantasy.

[276] There's a bridge that links eroticism to intimacy, into into eroticism, and it's called fantasy.

[277] Well, I think, oh, isn't that being unfaithful to my partner?

[278] I shouldn't fantasize, but actually 50 shades is gray.

[279] which was not a great book at all, but it taught people a lot about, oh, I can fantasize, I can read this book, and I can pretend I'm Anastasia with Mr. Gray.

[280] And that book did so well because it allowed people to fantasize.

[281] And so if you have a relationship of 30 years, I mean, I'm great friends with John and Missy Butch to be married for 35 years.

[282] They're a couple that created Life Book.

[283] They live in Hawaii, but they talk a lot about how they have a very erotic sex life.

[284] after 35 years it's like red -hot but they understand it's all about a bit of mystery bit of drama bit of suspense i'm very lucky that my husband i travel all over the world so we never have all saturday night saturday mornings have sex and go to sainsbury's that's just not in our agenda so we always have a bit of newness going on but for men even if you love your partner so much when it becomes predictable it's like the thrill goes you know that song about where's the thrill gone i've lost the thrill the thrill the thrill is there.

[285] So you have to put a bit of work back into making your sex life thrilling and moving it away.

[286] And so it's hard when you love someone, but you know everything about them and they about you.

[287] And it's like, well, there's no newness here.

[288] Well, I go on holiday, we have great sex.

[289] Why is that?

[290] Well, you're not thinking about the laundry or anything else.

[291] You can just really let go and you're in a different place and you can be someone else.

[292] You often hear about people going on holiday like girls to Abitha and going wild and then they would never be like that at home because it gives you a chance to be someone else.

[293] So sometimes in your sex life, you have to take that chance and use drama, mystery, suspense, edginess, just like I was telling one of my clients, she said, I went home and said to my husband, dominate me. So what shall I do?

[294] She went, well, dominate me. She said, yeah, but what?

[295] She's, well, that's the point.

[296] Don't ask me. How can you dominate me if I have to tell you what to do?

[297] I want to feel overpowered by your maleness.

[298] When you say, well, what shall I do?

[299] You're more like a girl than a boy, and I don't like that.

[300] Because, of course, opposites attract, especially in sex, even if we're a same -sex relationships, opposites attract.

[301] And that's very exciting.

[302] When people are together a long time, they try to make their partner like them, and they forget the opposites attract.

[303] So if you keep trying to make your partner like you, and they can try to make you like them, then you haven't the opposite's attracting anymore and then it kind of disappears and the other thing that people do a lot.

[304] My grandmother used to call her husband dad or daddy and that was a bit weird but that was maybe her it wasn't a sexual thing she said come on dad get out of the way and what do you want for tea dad and they had no sex at all she thought there was the most disgusting thing in the world but the minute your partner becomes mommy or daddy and many women and the best of attention say things like have you taken your vitamins today you know wear a coat's going to to get cold.

[305] Did you pay the bill?

[306] I knew you wouldn't do that.

[307] You're becoming either critical mummy or loving mummy.

[308] And then we have the opposite.

[309] Some men who are very controlling, so you can't have that.

[310] You're not going to have that.

[311] They become controlling daddy.

[312] And the minute your partner is in any way, mommy or daddy, you can't have sex with them because he wants to have sex with their parents.

[313] That's really weird.

[314] And many people don't realize how, as they say, in a long relationship, they take on the role of critical parent, blaming parent, judging parent.

[315] and then you have no desire left so you're going to be very careful not to let that happen and especially when you have children and then you say mommy can you get Andy a tissue daddy can you get Susie her gym bag and even though you don't mean it you're now saying mommy daddy people do that with their pets even daddy get um take Toby for a walk or mummy take and it's like it really messes up your sex life to call your partner mommy or daddy so interesting it is isn't it even when you were saying then about the lady that came home and said to her partner dominate me and he went how no he said what shall I do yeah which is like it's it's the antithesis of domination but it kind of speaks to 10 years of him just trying to please her in any way he can it's bad communication she should have said hey you know what you do are the you do the sandwich you go hey you know we've been together for seven or eight years and we're great but you know I've got this thing I would love you to do dominate me like this.

[316] I'd love you to pretend to be the postman or the gardener or I'd love you to pretend to be someone.

[317] It would really excite me if you could do that because then it would just be exciting.

[318] And then they go, oh, okay, I get it.

[319] I've got to pretend to be the postman or the gardener or, you know, there's a lot of women who couldn't conceive.

[320] And this is where I learned this from.

[321] So many of my clients couldn't conceive because their husbands didn't have enough sperm.

[322] But when men have sex with a stranger, they triple their sperm outtake.

[323] And when women have sex with a stranger, their cervix tilts to suck up the sperm.

[324] So when I realise it's a great book called sperm wars that tells you all of it, I thought, okay, so I wrote my mind and say, hey, this is what you've got to do.

[325] You've got to go home and pretend you're, I don't know, an air stewardess and your husband, but you mustn't speak because that's going to ruin it and then have sex, but make, have some kind of fact, go to a hotel.

[326] Of course, the men love it.

[327] I don't want to talk, no talking, just act out this fancy because he will triple his sperm outtake, your cervix will tilt.

[328] And it's like, it's like IUI.

[329] It's like you have more sperm and so many of my clients, well, I got pregnant, you know, I've tried all this time, but going up the road to the holiday in, pretended he was like the plumber or anything at all.

[330] And that worked.

[331] We got pregnant like that because he made so much more sperm.

[332] And so isn't that interesting.

[333] That wasn't about fantasy.

[334] It was about how can you get more sperm?

[335] How can you become more fertile, what can you do?

[336] And these were just silly little things that helped men and women who were trying really hard to have had a low sperm count, get pregnant.

[337] Why does that happen?

[338] Why does the sperm count triple in the cervix tilt?

[339] Well, let's imagine, you know, that we're in a tribe and there's some people there and nature.

[340] The human species must go on.

[341] So for men, when they pregnant the same person over and over again.

[342] They've made her pregnant many times.

[343] But a new person, if you can get a new person pregnant straight away, that's how the human race continues.

[344] You know, one of my friends were telling me this story about in New Zealand with the Rams.

[345] And he said, you know, you would buy the male rams and you'd drive them to the field.

[346] And they could smell the females.

[347] They started ramming the door.

[348] That's why they're called rams.

[349] And when you finally get there, you open the gate and they charge out.

[350] They have sex with every female.

[351] And when they come back, they've lost half their body weight in a really bad way.

[352] but they have to have sex with every single female, every you.

[353] So it's just an evolutionary of making sure the species goes on.

[354] So what does that say about monogamy?

[355] But this is not, nature doesn't care, nature cares about this species continuing.

[356] Nature doesn't care about monogamy.

[357] Its role is to make sure we continue.

[358] But yes, of course, we want to be monogamous, so what do you do?

[359] We use that very thing.

[360] If being with someone new excites me, and gets me going.

[361] Why can't I pretend my partner is someone new?

[362] And of course you can.

[363] You can do all kinds of great things.

[364] You can introduce newness.

[365] Don't always have sex in the same place at the same time.

[366] It's a little tiny bit of effort, but do something to make it new and exciting.

[367] So you would recommend spending time apart as well?

[368] Yes.

[369] I mean, I've been with my husband for 15 years.

[370] We've only spent 11 days apart and we work together.

[371] So you know that thing about living over the shop so we work together we're together all the time but we have a great sex life because we both understand what makes it tick which isn't necessarily being a part but yeah being a part's great too because you can't wait to come back to that person a lot of people will listen to all of this and think god i'd love i'd love to do that i want him to turn me into a maid and tie me up and surprise me or whatever but if i even mention this to him he would look at me like i've got you know a tail or look at me like I was weird well part of having a great relationship is doing for the other so I if I said to my husband I'm not hungry so we're not eating I'm not tired so we're not going to bed I'm not cold so the heating's not coming on he'd look at me like I was mad because part of that is I'm not really hungry but you want to go out for dinner we'll go and I don't really want to go to this event or I don't want to what go to a football match but but it's important to you so I will go because in a relationship if you do for each other's if you're partner says, I would love you to put in a little maids outfit and run around with a dust.

[372] It would be so amazing.

[373] I don't want to do that.

[374] Isn't that?

[375] Dr. Do you think, well, maybe I could just try it once.

[376] If I don't like it and never have to do it again, maybe it would be red hot.

[377] It's not about being objectified.

[378] So if you love someone and assuming their fantasy isn't dangerous or painful or super weird, why not just see if you can do it?

[379] And then you can say, hey, if I do that, you can do this because it's trading all the time.

[380] And there's nothing wrong with that.

[381] That's the same thing.

[382] If I'm tired, my husband will say, I'm going to make you something to eat, or I'm going to drive that.

[383] I'm going to do that for you because he loves me and I'm the same with him.

[384] But people think, oh, I shouldn't, why should I have sex?

[385] I'm tired.

[386] Why should I do that?

[387] And the worst thing is that I don't want sex anymore.

[388] So you can never have sex again either, which is very weird because why would you condemn your partner to no sex ever just because you don't want to have sex and imagine it was the other way around because isn't a relationship doing for each other even if it's not really your thing so many questions to ask on this because I'm just thinking about all the conversations I've had with my friends recently about sex and their relationships and I've got another friend who is in in a relationship it's become a sexless relationship he's staying with her I think in part because because she's really nice but why has it become sexless um That's a good question that I wouldn't know without asking him.

[389] But I'll tell you what he's told me. He's told me how much he wants to have sex with other people.

[390] And he actually described it as like a temptation that he is like as if he's possessed.

[391] He says every five minutes someone will walk past and I think about having sex with him.

[392] Like he's absolutely obsessed with it.

[393] But not with her.

[394] Not with her.

[395] She wants to settle down because she's at an age and phase of life where she feels that, she kind of needs to hurry up these are just words that I'm repeating that he's told me and so he feels a bit stuck where he's got this partner who wants to settle down he clearly doesn't want to settle down and he's thinking about having sex with everyone else and he's not having sex with her and that's how he's escaping he probably doesn't want to settle down and have children but he should sounds like he wants to become a success and now he's thinking about having sex that's his way out you know oh he can't say to her look you know I love you but I'm not ready for that That's five years down the line for me. So his mind is doing it.

[396] He thinks not to have sex with everyone but her.

[397] And he feels pressurized because of his time thing.

[398] Because his mind is saying, you're not ready.

[399] You're not ready.

[400] You know, often we have dreams that say, I'm not ready.

[401] Or, wow, I thought I wanted to do this.

[402] If my dream said, oh, no, you don't want to do that at all.

[403] But the desire he's doing with other people is his body saying you are not ready to be with her.

[404] You'll be with anyone else but her.

[405] And you should really just tell her the truth and say, look, I'm not at that stage you're at.

[406] I'm just not ready for that yet because you see when you can't open your mouth and say I'm not ready or I'm not comfortable or not happy the body goes I'll do it I do it for you and I see that with all my clients not just sexually when you can't say one of my clients told me years ago that he got fired from his job and he couldn't tell his wife's every day he picked up his briefcase and went and sat in the park and then he got really sick and then she said you're so sick you can't go, you'll have to resign.

[407] He went, okay.

[408] And he never had to tell her that he'd lost his job because the body made him so ill, it would have lost his job anyway.

[409] So you know, I love this expression, the feeling that cannot find his expression in tears will make other organs weep.

[410] And so he's got a feeling that he can't express.

[411] And when you can't open your mouth and go, I don't want to do that, the body says, I do it for you.

[412] And it finds really peculiar, obscure, often really unhelpful ways of doing it for us.

[413] How does he know, though, that it's the case of him not being ready, or even in my case, when I was 24, 25 years old, I'd just self -sabotage any sign of commitment.

[414] Well, let's talk about that.

[415] So let's go back to you, you're 24 years old.

[416] Oh, for my entire, I mean, it starts at 14.

[417] Starts at 14, which is when you start dating.

[418] Yeah, 14.

[419] When you start fancying people.

[420] And you fancy people and you're a very good looking guy and you've obviously had some relationships.

[421] Tell me about the self -sabotage.

[422] It started with Jasmine.

[423] Jasmine was with a guy called, I probably shouldn't name him, but I'll call him John.

[424] Jasmine and John.

[425] Jasmine and John.

[426] They were in a relationship.

[427] I really fancy Jasmine.

[428] She's going to hear this, but she knows already.

[429] Fancyed her for about three years, pursued her doggedly from like 14 to 17, really 18.

[430] And there was a day where like Jasmine gave me a chance finally.

[431] She was in a relationship with this guy called John.

[432] And on that day, I got terrified.

[433] And I kind of remember persuading her out of it, even though I'd pursued her for years.

[434] And then as I look through my early sort of 20s, the same sort of recurring behavior pattern showed up where I would, any sign of commitment, I would come up with a reason why I couldn't commit.

[435] I'm busy.

[436] I need to become a millionaire.

[437] This will get in the way of my work.

[438] So what you were doing was the oldest trick in the book.

[439] You pursued Jasmine.

[440] She wasn't available to.

[441] was with someone else, when she became available, you thought, oh, no, because now she could reject you.

[442] Now she could say, when she was with someone else, it was a dream.

[443] I'd love to get that.

[444] When you had the chance, it's like, oh, she could find out I'm not worthy.

[445] She could find I'm not good enough.

[446] Sorry?

[447] I can give you context as to how it felt.

[448] The idea of commitment felt like prison.

[449] Of course, yeah, you've said that before.

[450] And so, of course, if your end goal is, commitment is prison, being stuck with one person is prison.

[451] Your mind says, I've got to get you out of this.

[452] So it's all fine to have flings of people, but the minute commitment comes up, you back out because that's going to jail.

[453] You don't want to do that.

[454] So that's really normal when you say things like, oh, I'm going to be tied down.

[455] I'm nailed down.

[456] Oh, that's it now.

[457] No more fun.

[458] And people say things like you two are one now and may all your problems be little ones.

[459] And it sounds we don't like that.

[460] It's like, oh, I don't like that idea.

[461] And all the vows about to love.

[462] honor and obey to forsake all others.

[463] We think, do I really want that?

[464] But you were adamant that you didn't want that, that a relationship was prison.

[465] So when you tell your mind, I don't want it, the mind must get you out of it.

[466] If you say, oh God, I've got to give that speech, I don't want to do it, I want to do it, I want to do it.

[467] Don't be surprised on the day of the speech you wake up with chronic diarrhea, a terrible cold and migraine.

[468] And your mind goes, she said you don't want to go.

[469] And I'm so cool, I got you out of it.

[470] Because the mind listens, every thought, you think it listens to.

[471] It's like a genie your wish, is it's come on.

[472] So your wishes, I don't want to be in prison of commitment.

[473] I'm happy to date.

[474] But when it gets a little bit serious, the mind goes, let me get you out of this.

[475] And we don't do it in logical ways, you know, self -sabotage, procrastination, and nothing more than the fear of either not being enough or not wanting to go where you think you're going.

[476] You know, there are people who apply for a job, get it, and they never turn up on the first day or think, God, I work for that, and I don't want it.

[477] I thought I thought I wanted this.

[478] I don't want it.

[479] I thought I wanted that person.

[480] I actually don't want them.

[481] And so for you, the thought that a relationship was prison is so powerful that it would make every relationship unravel, including Jasmine.

[482] So now let's go back to your friend.

[483] Yeah.

[484] So how does he know that it's not just some like, I don't know, unresolved traumatic issue that's stopping him being avoidant of committing to that individual?

[485] Or if he's, that individual's not right.

[486] And I think it's the case with like jobs and relationships and everything in our life.

[487] How do we know that it's not just some trauma response that we're having or if the thing we're avoiding or rejecting is actually not right for us?

[488] I think you know when you think, okay, my life without this person, would it be better or worse?

[489] So if I have an argument with my husband, we don't argue a lot, but I always imagine my life without him and it's so much worse than my life with him.

[490] Occasionally annoys me. He's got some He can get a tea bag and have it in every service of the kitchen in like three minutes flat.

[491] I would say, wow, how do you do that?

[492] I just don't understand how you can do that.

[493] But you have to pick your battles in a relationship.

[494] And when he really annoys me, I just think, okay, imagine if he wasn't here.

[495] And I thought, oh, no, I wouldn't like that.

[496] Maybe not here for a couple of hours, but forever.

[497] So you know, because of how you feel.

[498] But you see, you know, we're all taught this, you know, you found your other half, but you're not a half.

[499] You're a whole.

[500] You can't find another half to complete you because you're not half a person.

[501] But a lot of us are taught, you know, you're going to find the handsome prince.

[502] And so you're going to live happily ever after.

[503] Well, that isn't true.

[504] There's never one person ever that could complete you or meet or your needs.

[505] And so you have to be realistic.

[506] In a relationship, you have to put your needs into three paths.

[507] Okay, I've got a need.

[508] My husband must always tell me where he is.

[509] He must call me. He must tell me when he's...

[510] If it's two in the morning, I don't know where he is.

[511] I don't like that.

[512] He must be honest.

[513] Honesty is a non -negotiable need for me. So that's a need that has to be met.

[514] Need for tidiness?

[515] Is that really important?

[516] I can do it myself.

[517] You know, by the time I have an argument with him about the tea bag, I've already put it in the bin and put a bit of bleach on the kitchen counter and it's all done.

[518] So the second lot of needs, you might have to meet those needs, the need to have a tidy kitchen, the need to have, I don't know, organic groceries delivered.

[519] Maybe you can do it.

[520] Sometimes you've got to pick your battles.

[521] And the third set of needs, you've just got to give those up.

[522] Some needs are just not important enough to fight about.

[523] No, my daughter is an artist.

[524] And artists are very messy.

[525] And if you go, look at the mess, they go, what mess?

[526] I can't even see it.

[527] So with my daughter, the need to have a tidy bedroom, I learn to shut the door.

[528] Don't even go in.

[529] If I go in, they go, well, she's happy.

[530] Do I need to have a happy daughter or a tidy daughter's bedroom?

[531] A happy daughter was actually more important.

[532] So some needs, you must have your partner meet.

[533] Some you've got to meet, and some.

[534] just give them away it's really not not worth arguing about you reminded me when you talked there about thinking about meeting prince charming and perfection i went into a bookshop the other day um as i sometimes do just for inspiration you know and i bumped into a lady who recognized me um actually took a photo of her because the conversation really stayed with me it's not it's not often that i take a photo with someone else i say please can i have a photo with you just so i remember this conversation and what she said to me in that conversation was reminiscent of many other conversations I've had.

[535] She was a woman.

[536] She's just over the age of 30.

[537] I think she was 32, 31.

[538] And she was actually in that book shop looking for a book that would help her solve her romantic and relationship issues.

[539] She said to me, which is a message I've heard before from close friends mine, I'm over 30 now.

[540] I'm looking for a guy.

[541] I've never been in a relationship.

[542] I've been working very, very, very hard.

[543] She says she's excelling in her career.

[544] People have told me that I just need to go to the gym and work out and I've tried that.

[545] And I still can't find this person.

[546] And I, and the other sentence I remember, she said, I don't want to settle.

[547] And I've got people close to me in my life, many people that have, are in almost an identical situation, so much so that I sent that photo with her to those people and said, I've just met you in a bookshop.

[548] And it helped me to actually understand them better because to know that there's many, many people that are in that situation, then they've got this kind of societal clock ticking.

[549] That's saying, you better do it quickly.

[550] Yeah.

[551] What would you have said to her to help her?

[552] So I had to say, first of all, what are you doing?

[553] People say to me, I'm looking for love.

[554] Okay, that's great.

[555] Where are you looking?

[556] Where are you going?

[557] They go, well, I go to yoga.

[558] Any men there?

[559] Not really.

[560] Oh, you reminded me of something she said.

[561] She said, I've tried dating apps.

[562] Those don't work.

[563] People tell me to meet people in public, but how do you do that?

[564] Yeah.

[565] So people tell me they're looking for love all the time.

[566] I'm looking for love.

[567] Where are you looking?

[568] Describe your weekend.

[569] I went to yoga.

[570] Any men in a yoga class?

[571] Not really.

[572] And then I went to my friend's house.

[573] And then I went to a book reading for any men there?

[574] Not really.

[575] And then I went out with all my girlfriend.

[576] We all looked the same.

[577] We all went to the same bar, a lot of competition.

[578] So actually, you're not looking for love at all, because you're going to places where men aren't.

[579] And then men say, I'm looking for love.

[580] Where are you going?

[581] I mean, the weight, many women there, they're all in the yoga class.

[582] So if you really want to find love, you've got to be proactive.

[583] First of all, sit down and think, what kind of person do you want?

[584] I mean, what qualities do they have?

[585] What are you looking for?

[586] You know, normally say I'm looking to buy a house, but I've never, I never go to an estate agent and look at the brochures.

[587] I just think the house will turn up.

[588] I'm looking for a job, but I'm actually going to yoga.

[589] I'm not going for any interviews.

[590] We say, well, you're not really looking for a job, are you?

[591] When I look for a house, I've got brochures coming in.

[592] I'm going to look at house until I find the right one.

[593] So if you want love, sit down and think about what you want, make a list.

[594] Don't be doing to six -pack and gorgeous or a ten.

[595] Think of the qualities.

[596] What is this person like?

[597] And then decide what is that person looking for.

[598] You might have to up your game a bit.

[599] And then think about where is this person?

[600] They're not in yoga, but there's somewhere.

[601] And once you've decided that you're worth love, that's the most important bit.

[602] And you can put yourself around people, you'll find love easily.

[603] But we're so busy trying to change ourselves.

[604] So you have to take some time because the only thing you need to do to find love is, first of all, every day I'm worthy of love, I am worthy of being loved.

[605] I deserve to be deeply loved and I am worth it.

[606] And if you think, oh, when I say that, I feel really stupid, then say it more until you don't feel stupid until you think, no, actually it's sinking in now.

[607] So I'm putting lotion on my skin.

[608] It is going in.

[609] It is having an impact.

[610] So say it, state, it affirm it a lot.

[611] I deserve love.

[612] I'm worthy of love.

[613] Who couldn't love me?

[614] I'm deserving of love.

[615] And then when you've got that part right and you know that you don't think, I hope when I go on a date, I'm good enough for them.

[616] Well, what about thinking are they good enough for you?

[617] So you've got to reframe that.

[618] Don't keep saying, I've got to make myself out.

[619] I've got to chase love, pursue love, get in shape to find love, be perfect to find love.

[620] You've got to find love just by being you.

[621] So work on knowing you're worth it.

[622] That's an 80 % of your success will come down to having an unworth it mindset.

[623] Think of the person.

[624] Think of where they are.

[625] And then get out of the yoga and go to the wait room.

[626] If you're a girl, if you're a guy, get out of the weight room, go to the yoga.

[627] put yourself around the people you want to be with and you'll end up with them She did say a line to me which I've just remembered which is I've started to think that there's something wrong with me Yeah And there is a clear pattern in the people who are in that situation that I know that have started to engage in vocal negative self -talk and self -disparagement And apps of course there's so much It's like going to a Chinese restaurant with a menu that's 20 I don't even know what to have now There's so much variety I've now got to page 20 I forgot what was on page one If you go to a restaurant with a little men, you think, okay, I'm going to have that.

[628] So apps with masses of variety, lots of people.

[629] I mean, they show you a good thing.

[630] How many people are looking for love, just like you, so you're not weird or a freak.

[631] Apps are good to show you, wow, all these people, good -looking people are looking for love.

[632] But maybe come away from the apps and start to talk to people, you know, talk to people.

[633] I was just thinking that you're talking about dating apps.

[634] I've never been a prolific dating app person because I've been busy, but also I'd never had success on them.

[635] until people knew who I was sort of in a public capacity and then you can't I can't use them anyway but going back 10 years I do remember using dating apps swiping through and you'd see like really beautiful people and be like oh I want that one you'd swipe right on them and then the ones that would swipe left on you were just you know they were just not the ones you were looking for and because you understand the value of anything by the context in which you see it by seeing 50 beautiful people yeah but then getting the ones that are less than even if those less than people it's not not not not a nice way to describe them.

[636] The ones you didn't desire are perfectly okay.

[637] Because you've seen them in a context where you've seen supermodels.

[638] You're never going to value them.

[639] Yeah, of course.

[640] And also, you know, I was thinking about the people that are going on those dates that are searching for Mr. Wright or Mrs. Wright, are we less valuable when we're in search of something?

[641] Yeah, definitely.

[642] That's the problem, right?

[643] Well, it's one thing is to say, hey, you know, I've got a great life.

[644] and I've decided, you know, I'm ready to be with someone amazing.

[645] I want to share my life with someone who wants to share that.

[646] But I'm okay if I don't find them.

[647] I've got a great life, but I'm kind of open to finding the right person now.

[648] It's rather different to needy.

[649] I need someone to complete me. I don't want to be on my own.

[650] I hate being alone.

[651] I need to find my mate, my partner.

[652] So you almost need to be at a level where you're happy and you've got a great life, but you want to share it rather than I'm incomplete without that person.

[653] person, there's something wrong with me. People just say to me, why are you not married?

[654] I said, I don't know.

[655] Just lucky, I guess.

[656] Because I hated the option of what's wrong with this.

[657] Always had that pattern.

[658] I don't know.

[659] I guess I'm just very lucky.

[660] From the age of 20 to 25, yes.

[661] Everyone I pursued romantically, once I'd even got past the commitment issues, didn't want me. And I always reflect on it and go, when I really wanted someone, there must have been something I was doing.

[662] Yeah, they knew that you were done then.

[663] They knew that you were done then.

[664] you had a commitment fear.

[665] That sort of probably came out of your pause.

[666] So, of course, they jumped you before you dumped them because your behaviour and some of the things you did or said or even didn't, would have let them know that you had a commitment fear.

[667] And so they just got out before you did.

[668] They weren't even, I got rejected a lot in that phase from like 2025.

[669] And I reflect on it and go, how come those five girls that I pursued that I really wanted that, like, you know, I'd start listening to Adele and think of them, like, you know, went into the frenzy.

[670] all of them rejected me but if they all did it it wasn't it was all of them they all picked up something from you because if it was one you go oh well it was them besides people say I've had five wives and all a disappointment have they had five husbands no well then it was you I was talking to a client and they said I've had five wives they all disappointed me I said well you were the disappointment because they couldn't all disappoint you you must have wanted perfection which he did and you can only ask for perfection if you're offering perfection, which none of us can offer.

[671] My conclusion from that chapter in my life was there must be like a thousand micro expressions that these people are picking up on that are communicating that I'm low value.

[672] Yeah.

[673] And do you know what?

[674] I couldn't fake it.

[675] I read all the books about, you know, I read this book and this matchmaking book and this book called The Game, the Mystery Method.

[676] I watched all the documentaries.

[677] And the only reason it changed in my life was when my actual opinion of myself changed in life.

[678] Yeah, of course, because you didn't value yourself.

[679] And, you know, if you have this belief, I'm not good enough and you fake it people pick it up they know instinctively they can't help it because it's at a level beyond communication where you have a low sense of worth people pick it up and when you have a high sense they pick it up too but when you fake it you're still faking it so that's why you've got to get to that level of hey I'm so great when I was in I was in Zimbabwe just before I met John and they put me in a honeymoon suite and it was an amazing place they kept saying oh this is so sad you haven't got a husband they don't understand that why have you got a husband this is not normal and I thought you know I'm so happy and I thought as a second time in a month I was also teaching in country but me in a honeymoon suite again that really was the best dream in the house and it was a big honeymoon suite I thought well you know what I love being in here I didn't think oh this is so sad and so the second time I was in a honeymoon suite I was thinking you know what if this is as good as it ever gets I'm on my own in this amazing place in Zimbabwe in this amazing with two baths outside and two showers and two of everything, I'm okay.

[680] I'm really happy.

[681] And I was married 10 months ago.

[682] I didn't even know John.

[683] Well, I knew him, but we weren't dating because you have to get to that level of thinking.

[684] And 10 months later, you were married?

[685] Yeah, I came home.

[686] I knew John.

[687] Our kids went to the same school.

[688] I came home from Africa and September.

[689] Met him in October.

[690] We were married the following August.

[691] But I got to that level where I was so happy just being by myself that I didn't chase him or think, oh my God, I need this.

[692] It was just like, oh, here you are.

[693] And I already know you and you're a great guy.

[694] And it all worked out perfectly.

[695] But you have to get away from the neediness or I'm running away from it, avoiding it, or desperately looking for it.

[696] In your case, looking for it, we're thinking it's a prison.

[697] You have to be at a level of, I'm ready, but I'm happy anyway.

[698] And then from 25 to 30, the next five years, the thing that changed in my life was I became, what other people would call successful?

[699] Sure.

[700] So I had business success.

[701] Now, it's funny because someone will look at that and go, okay, well, for the next five years from 25 to 30, you had money, so it attracted people, whatever, right?

[702] Yeah.

[703] But I know that that's not the full story.

[704] I know that I think the success changed my beliefs about myself.

[705] Of course it did.

[706] And I just think I stood differently.

[707] of course you did you had a sense of self it's not that I'm rich but it's like I've created this I'm worth something your sense of self elevated because of what you've done and achieved and you grew up a bit too and so your sense of self went up and people like people with a strong sense of themselves it's very attractive it's actually very sexy confidence is really sexy a sense of who you are is very sexy for men and women so without knowing it that's what you got And from 25 to 30 in that period, I no longer had that issue.

[708] Of course not.

[709] I felt that I could attract someone that I wanted.

[710] If I pursued someone, I thought, I went into it thinking, you know, the choice is going to be mine.

[711] Yeah.

[712] To say that in a least humble way I possibly can.

[713] And I fell in love with someone and I've been with them ever since.

[714] I was actually working with someone who won the lottery.

[715] And he said, you know what happens?

[716] When I won the lottery, women became more orgasmic.

[717] I said, do you know that happens all over the world?

[718] When men win the lottery, their girlfriends become more orgasmary.

[719] He went, yeah, I don't understand it.

[720] And he couldn't understand.

[721] It was a bit of a joke that, of course, they became more orgasmate because he became so attractive to them because he'd won the lottery.

[722] So that was very funny.

[723] Makes so much sense.

[724] So people are going to hear that and go, so you can't fake.

[725] That's what I came to learn from that 10 years in my life.

[726] You can't fake it.

[727] I say it's all my friends now.

[728] I give them, I give them this, all everything I know about some of the books I read about how to be high value.

[729] And then I tell them the story that between 20 and 25, I read all these books and I still couldn't do anything about it.

[730] So reading the books is not enough because you can't fake it.

[731] And I say to some of my best friends, and one of my close girlfriends, I said, it's almost like there's a thousand little micro expressions of low value that we give off.

[732] And language is just, it's a new form of communication versus the like thousand tiny things we don't know we do, which tell the person that we don't value ourselves.

[733] We have no self -esteem and we're not confident.

[734] If you're looking for self -esteem anywhere outside of yourself, you're not going to find it.

[735] If you're looking for self -esteem out there with the jasmines of the world or someone, unless you're looking for it in here, you're never going to find it.

[736] So stop looking out there.

[737] Self -esteem is not out there.

[738] It's in here.

[739] And just spend some time saying, hey, I can elevate my sense of self -worth, self -value, self -image.

[740] You see, self -esteem means, if I say Stephen I hold you in the highest of esteem, that's what I think of you.

[741] But self -esteem is what I think of me. And what happens is we start to poke holes in our self -esteem by saying, oh, I'm not good enough, I'm not rich enough, smart enough, attractive enough, qualified enough.

[742] And you've got to go back and go, no, I can raise myself.

[743] I mean, I matter, just the way I am.

[744] I matter.

[745] I'm enough.

[746] I'm lovable.

[747] And, you know, my dad always said the job of any school is to raise the kid's self -esteem.

[748] That's more important than learning Latin or sport.

[749] And all schools, their job is to raise kids.

[750] parenting too your job as a parent is to raise your kids self -esteem but nobody teaches us that we think oh no it's organic broccoli and making you safe and making you learn manda and sending you a good school no your job is to raise kids with good self -esteem and then they'll have relations with who've got good self -esteem if it only will work on self -esteem the world would be so much better how would you what would you have done with 20 -year -old steve if he'd come to you and said listen marissa i've pursued all these women, they all seem to not value me. Yeah, well, I would have gone right back to look at what was happening when you were growing up, what was going on with your mum and dad, where did you get these beliefs from, what happened to you?

[751] You know, it's not what's wrong with you, it's what happened to you.

[752] You should never say what's wrong with you.

[753] What happened to you in your formative years?

[754] What did you see growing up with your mum and dad?

[755] What did you see?

[756] So if we look at, you know, Paul McCartney, who loved Linda.

[757] And all his children have got very secure.

[758] Stella's got four children, amazing parent, Mary, she's got three children, but they're very happy.

[759] They've stayed with this because they learned what they live.

[760] You learn what you live.

[761] What did you learn?

[762] What did you live that you learned, which was that marriage is a horrible place you can't escape from.

[763] It's punishing.

[764] It's not a place of sanctuary or love or support.

[765] Something completely different.

[766] I also think I just learned that I was at a very young age that I think maybe that I learned that I was unlovable at some level because I think about being a black kid in an all white area where your house is like dilapidated I think that's the right word where you can't never brought anyone home never brought a girl home in the 16 or years that I lived in Plymouth never brought anyone home no one knew where I lived I had this like constant shame yeah shame and I showed up as if I was a confident kid like you know but it was an act It was an act.

[767] Yeah, and you went home feeling a sense.

[768] You see, one of the, I taught 16 ,000 therapists all over the world, and I teach them, there's only three things wrong with every person that turns up at your door.

[769] Only three things.

[770] One of them is, I'm different, so I can't connect.

[771] The next one is, I want something, it's not available to me. The third one is, I'm not enough.

[772] There's a lot of versions.

[773] I'm not smart enough, good enough.

[774] But when you told me that little boy who was a black kid in a white world, living in a shambolic house, never bringing people home, straight away, you're saying, I was different, and if I'm different, I can't connect, because we connect by being the same.

[775] I like postman, Pat, so do I. I like pastor, so do I. I like Barbie, so do I. Oh, you're my friend.

[776] But when you're different, you can't connect.

[777] So you first had that first thing, I'm different, so I can't connect.

[778] What I want, being the same as all the other kids is not available to me. And if you think you're unlovable, then you have to think.

[779] you're not enough.

[780] But of course, that's what you felt.

[781] The truth is, you're deeply lovable just the way you are.

[782] But it's very hard when you don't feel it.

[783] So when you, you know, your feelings is the most real thing you have.

[784] And we're always trying to use logic.

[785] But logic doesn't work.

[786] Because in a battle between emotion and logic, emotion wins every single time.

[787] So the emotion of being this kid who felt different, not enough, not the same.

[788] You can't logic that better.

[789] Yes, you can achieve a lot and work hard and be a millionaire.

[790] You remember John Lennon said the thing you can't hide is when you're crippled inside.

[791] And so you're trying to fake it till you make it, but then you just end up feeling like a big fake.

[792] You have to go back and look at, okay, I felt different, but here's an interesting thing.

[793] If our greatest fears to feel different, it must be none the same as everyone, because that's our greatest fear to be different.

[794] We used to be cast out for being different, banished for being different.

[795] but actually if you fear being different that means you're the same as everyone because you've got the same fears and what wasn't available now you've made it available many years ago and you're deeply leveled and more than enough so you have to kind of go back and look at that old scenes like but that's not me anymore of course it's not me so just stating why it isn't you is actually one of the most transformational things you can ever do as we're so busy looking for how it is us you know here's a rule of the mind whatever you look for, you will find whatever you focus on.

[796] You get more.

[797] So when you look at how it's still you or still there or still bothering you, then you'll find it.

[798] And interesting, I think when you look at the mess in your room, you remember the shambolic house.

[799] And that's why it bothers you, not because it's messy, because you were brought up in a shambolic house.

[800] Now you come back and think, oh, look at this room.

[801] I've recreated the same.

[802] Instead of saying, actually, I'm in a five -star hotel.

[803] There's a maid next door.

[804] It's a little bit messy.

[805] It's not shambolic.

[806] But you see what your brain is looking for is what's the same.

[807] And it will always find it.

[808] But if you look for what's different, you'll find that too.

[809] So when you have a brilliant brain, which we all have, and you definitely have, instead you've got to talk yourself out of it, not into it.

[810] You're talking yourself into how the messy room is the same as a messy home, and it bothers you greatly because it feels out of your control, which it was when you're a kid living in that house.

[811] Don't talk yourself out of it.

[812] Oh, yeah.

[813] I have greater mess, but hey, I'm a super successful guy.

[814] I'm busy.

[815] Someone's going to come in and clean all of this up, and it's not the same.

[816] It's vastly different.

[817] But our mind is always looking for what's the same because it loves what is familiar.

[818] After all, you know, if you were two -year -old kid living in the prairie and you wanted out on the prairie, you'd only eat the berries you already knew.

[819] You wouldn't eat anything unfamiliar because it would have killed you.

[820] So our primitive brain wants to go back to what is familiar, back to what is known, back to what is comfortable.

[821] Let's talk about the sugar, because I've heard you say a lot.

[822] Let's talk about that.

[823] I saw this.

[824] I saw on your web, one of the things I saw was the dietless.

[825] Dietless life.

[826] Life coaching and the Dietless Life website.

[827] I was on there just before I actually came in the door earlier.

[828] And it said that the dietless life resolves the underlying cause of overeating.

[829] I, let me confess, I am someone that works out pretty much every day.

[830] I'll work out today.

[831] although I'm going to that Fred again concert so that might be difficult that's a workout I work out pretty much every day of the week the thing that's holding me back is once in a while I'll get into a little bit of like a sugar spiral what I mean by that is I'll eat some sugar and then the next day I'll eat some more sugar and then the next day I might have some more sugar.

[832] It's very addictive.

[833] Yeah I've actually given up alcohol I've not told anybody that but I've given up alcohol completely but this sugar thing seems to be something that I'm like battling with it will happen you know once a month and then it could last for like a couple of weeks where I just start eating things.

[834] I'm like, why am I eating that?

[835] And then I'll get control again of the ship.

[836] How do I avoid sugar?

[837] I don't like it.

[838] I don't want it.

[839] I actually, when someone hands me something, the first thing I check is the sugar contents.

[840] Don't want it in my life anymore.

[841] I've made that decision.

[842] Like I'll call.

[843] But it seems to grab me. So your mind always goes back to what something means.

[844] So let's talk about little Steve, and what did sugar and all the sugar retreats mean to when you're a kid?

[845] What did they mean?

[846] well in our house we weren't allowed them and we didn't have them probably the only family again because of money issues that we didn't have any nice things in the fridge yeah so I would go to the corner shop after school and I would steal as much of the sweets as I possibly could and then how did you feel so let's close your eyes a minute just remember be that little boy you've just stolen them you've just got them it's okay that you took them most kids do that what do you feel like when you've suddenly got them in your pockets or you're eating them what's the feeling I feel in control I feel like my friends, I guess.

[847] So keep your eyes closed and imagine now you're grown up, Stephen, and suddenly it's one evening and you want this sugary stuff and you want it the next day and the next day.

[848] I want you to say this.

[849] I want you say, when I can't have sugar, when I don't have sugar, say it, repeat it.

[850] When I don't have sugar.

[851] When I don't have sugar.

[852] I feel like that little kid who was deprived of sugar.

[853] I feel like that little kid that was deprived of sugar.

[854] And that makes me feel out of control.

[855] Because, just add the word, because it makes me feel out of control.

[856] because...

[857] Because I lived in a house where I didn't have the ability to get the things I wanted.

[858] Sure.

[859] So you can open your eyes now.

[860] So the adult, you see, it's not the chocolate.

[861] It's the feeling you felt when you couldn't have it.

[862] So when people go on a diet, this is what happens.

[863] I can't have any of that stuff.

[864] I can only have lettuce and they have this traffic like red, everything's banned.

[865] Amber, okay and green is like lettuce, salad, carrots, grilled fish.

[866] And you think, yeah but I want all the red stuff.

[867] The mind says if I can't have it, I want it.

[868] I want it so much.

[869] So again, you've got to talk yourself and saying, hey, you know, I can have chocolate every day for the rest of my life.

[870] It's always I can have it and I can have it in abundance.

[871] I can have a breakfast, lunch and dinner.

[872] And here's the magic sentence that changes your life.

[873] I'm choosing to say no and I'm choosing to love it.

[874] I mean, my parents are a bit like that, no sugar.

[875] Can you say that sentence again?

[876] I'm choosing to say no to chocolate.

[877] and I'm choosing to love it.

[878] I'm choosing to say no to kids' treats, and I'm choosing to love it.

[879] I was going to one of my clients, who's a billionaire, who goes on his boat, on his yacht, and takes all these things like refreshers and sherbet stuff, because he wasn't allowed them as a child.

[880] And even if he's got his own chef, that makes him happy because it's something that was forbidden.

[881] And so when he gets it, he thinks, oh, I feel so thrilled.

[882] Because it did that when you look at it made you happy.

[883] So you're looking for the feeling, not the thing and you can give yourself the feeling without the thing anyway so as you can remember I feel the same when I want it and I feel the same when I get it but could I get the feeling without having it of course you could it's really easy too should I hypnotize you back to that little boy that wanted the sugar so badly so we can change it would you like that should we do it now let's do it now okay being hypnotized is really easy I'll show you what you do it's about the eyes.

[884] So if you look at me, you're going to look up like that.

[885] Breathe in, breathe out.

[886] Take another deep breath, keeping your eyeballs up.

[887] Every time you blink, deep, powerful hypnosis is coming upon you.

[888] Breathe out.

[889] And just one more time, keep your eyeballs up.

[890] And this time, the more you blink, the deeper you're going to hypnosis as you exhale, keep your eyeballs up, close your eyelids down.

[891] And I'm going to tell you, Stephen, that your eyelids are locked.

[892] shut, glued shut, sealed together.

[893] Your eyelids are glued tight.

[894] Try to open your eyes, find they're locked shut.

[895] Go deeper.

[896] Try to open your eyes, find they are glued tight.

[897] Go deeper.

[898] And one more time, try to open your eyes, find they are fused together.

[899] Go deeper, deeper, deeper.

[900] Your mind, Stephen, knows exactly what chocolate and children's sweets represent to you.

[901] I'm going to count back from five to one, your brilliant mind's going to take you right back easily, powerfully to a scene that is all to do with why as an adult you keep going back to sugar.

[902] The minute you get that information, it's going to be such a game changer.

[903] And of course, you can't relive anything.

[904] It's not possible.

[905] You can only review.

[906] You can't relive being that little boy, but you can review it.

[907] And any scene you go back, even if it's sad, you're going to look at it with fascination, with insight, with innate understanding, of how those scenes then shaped you today, so let's go.

[908] So you're about seven.

[909] Describe what's happening in this scene.

[910] I'm sat on a grass hill.

[911] Mm -hmm.

[912] I have these boring sandwiches in my lunchbox.

[913] I want you to...

[914] It's very important to feel the feeling.

[915] You're doing fantastic.

[916] I'm looking at my lunchbox.

[917] I'm seven years old and I feel so disappointed.

[918] I'm looking at my...

[919] lunchbox I'm seven years old and I feel so disappointed.

[920] Is there anything you can do to change the lunchbox?

[921] No. I could steal some money from somewhere to buy the things I want or I could swap or steal some other food or something.

[922] How else is that little kid feeling?

[923] Buying sugar or getting it makes me feel powerful.

[924] Sure.

[925] You know, there's always been that kind of underlying thing because I could never have it.

[926] Yeah.

[927] As an adult, it's kind of like an expression of like my new autonomy.

[928] Yeah, of course.

[929] I can have whatever I want.

[930] So now I want you to go back to the little kid sitting on the grassy bank with a disciplining luncheon.

[931] I want you to say to me that's not me anymore because you need to tell me exactly why, just if I and tell me why that's not you.

[932] So repeat after me. that little kid on that little kid on the grassy bank with a disappointing lunchbox.

[933] That little kid on the grassy bank with a disappointing lunch box.

[934] It's not me. Is not me. And we'll never be me ever again.

[935] And we'll never be me ever again.

[936] Because.

[937] Because I can have whatever I want now.

[938] You're not seven.

[939] Your mother doesn't provide your lunch every day, does she?

[940] No. And if she did and you hated it, couldn't you go out and get whatever you want?

[941] Yeah.

[942] I want you.

[943] That's not me. That's not me. I'll never be seven.

[944] I'll never be seven.

[945] With a disappointing lunch ever again.

[946] With a disappointing lunch ever again.

[947] I'll never be seven having less than other people ever again.

[948] I'll never be seven having less than other people ever again.

[949] That can't be me. That can't be me. I can have whatever I want now.

[950] I can have whatever I want now.

[951] And what I really want is to be indifferent to sugar.

[952] Is to be indifferent to sugar.

[953] And I want you to think of the words that little kid needed to hear.

[954] You know better than me that when you were 7, 8, 9, 10, what you most needed to hear, what you most needed to feel that you were the same.

[955] that you were equal, you had everything others had and I want you to repeat some of those words you can do it in your head or out loud what are the missing words you've never heard and always wanted to hear one of them was you have the same resources and money and value as all of your friends so say that little kid you have the same money you have the same amount of money the same resources the same resources same stuff everyone else have the same stuff that everyone else has you're smart you're smart and as you grow up as you grow up you create everything for yourself you create everything for yourself you see chocolate doesn't free you from feeling that you can't have it it actually reminds you far from solving your issues it reminds you of that kid it pulls you right back it doesn't set you free it pulls you back to that memory of that kid you could never have any I don't need to remember that anymore I don't need to remember that anymore Because that isn't me And that will never be me And that will never be me I can eat sugar every day For the rest of my long gorgeous life I can eat sugar every day For the rest of my long gorgeous life What I really require What I really require Is complete and utter indifference Is complete and utter indifference Playing this recording So my voice goes with you Stay with you Until soon Don't even need this recording It's wired in fired in Coded into you it's who you are not what you do and it makes you feel amazing so knowing it feeling it believing it being it becoming it just slowly calmly easily just open your eyes come back into the room how do you feel wow i forgot where i was at least i thought i was somewhere else that's a great thing about hypnosis you know you forget where you are the critical factor shuts down some things only happen in hypnosis the critical factor should shuts down.

[956] It accepts things it can't accept consciously.

[957] What is going on now?

[958] What is going on?

[959] Well, your conscious mind is completely shut down.

[960] The subconscious that knows it.

[961] The subconscious is always switched on, is always on record and it remembers everything.

[962] And your subconscious is accessing memories.

[963] But you're really getting the feeling because the thing is it through therapy doesn't get the feeling.

[964] It says we did this.

[965] You want to feel the feeling.

[966] So I see.

[967] I'm trying to get the feeling but I don't even need that feeling I can be free now also time I looked at the time and so much time has passed but it seems like five minutes yeah it feels like it was just a few minutes that's how you know hypnosis is so powerful because you lose all track of time time stops but the subconscious mind which is running the show really takes over do you know what we'll do in this episode um this episode will take a couple of weeks to come out so I'll do an insert about how I got on with my relationship with sugars.

[968] You must have so many case studies in your life of how hypnosis is just...

[969] So many people who did dietless life have said, you know, I don't eat sugar.

[970] I didn't even know.

[971] Someone said, you know, I can't even have a cappuccino with a chocolate.

[972] I have said, oh, no, sorry, you've got to take that off because I'm simply so indifferent to sugar.

[973] And then you start to taste how fake it is, how horrible it is, because your body actually, your body never says, hey, knock me out with sugar.

[974] The body hates it, it's the mind.

[975] just like the mind might go for alcohol or drugs until you can get into the mind and say, you know, it's easy to make a better choice because you've chosen it.

[976] One of my, maybe one of my best friends in the world, I have like six best friends.

[977] One of my best friends in the world can't eat basically anything.

[978] He's in his mid -thirties now.

[979] And for whatever reason, some psychological reason, he just can't, when we get a restaurant, he can't order anything.

[980] He never has.

[981] Yeah.

[982] Known him for 10 years.

[983] He basically, only eats like a couple of things and there's something going on where he thinks like I don't know the texture of other things he basically eats like crackers crisps biscuits I was in Dubai in February the girl called Sarah who could only eat meat couldn't eat anything else but meat and I said I can fix that in an hour and I did we went back to why and now she eats everything cake past her because before she was in so much pain and she did it straight away in one session it was a game change I had many kids you say I can only eat cheese and white bread but given my number i can change that in an hour we've tried so many things over the years you need to try the thing that works yeah hypnosis it works all the time because that magic only happens when you get into that network of intelligence can understand what's going on when you can send different messages to the feeling mind because it's no good doing it logically it's like saying to an alcoholic now come on have a lovely cup of tea you don't need that alcohol, they look at you like you're mad because logic can't defeat emotion because there's emotion about I can only eat crackers.

[984] It's so powerful.

[985] But you can find a better emotion.

[986] Where does that come from what was going on?

[987] Like the emotion of that little Steven saying, when I have the chocolate, I feel better.

[988] I feel more powerful.

[989] I feel the same as other people.

[990] And that was the driver.

[991] And I can say, well, I don't need to do that.

[992] I'm already powerful and amazing and equal to all my friends.

[993] It took me to a place that I've not been before.

[994] I actually remembered things that I hadn't ever remembered.

[995] What kind of things?

[996] The lunchbox thing.

[997] I'd never really remembered my lunchbox shame.

[998] That's a new thing, which I uncovered from being sat on that hill during summer and just opening the lunchbox.

[999] It's just this horrible sandwich.

[1000] And the powerlessness.

[1001] It's called learned helplessness and learned hopelessness.

[1002] I can't accept this, but I can't change it.

[1003] I don't know.

[1004] There's nothing I can do about it.

[1005] Because, you know, you don't want, it's not the scene.

[1006] It's the feeling within the scene.

[1007] That's what you did so beautifully.

[1008] That kid who felt powerless, frustrated, disappointed.

[1009] it could do nothing.

[1010] I could steal.

[1011] Yeah, of course, but that's okay.

[1012] All kids do that.

[1013] But that wasn't really the thing that gave, you could do it, but that wasn't really your choice.

[1014] You wanted to have the money that Ashley had to go into the shop.

[1015] You wanted to have the parents to say, here's some money, go and buy yourself something lovely.

[1016] But you didn't have that.

[1017] But when you stole the stuff, you got the same feeling, but it was never really the same because you had the shame and the guilt and the blame attached to it.

[1018] Now you can let all of that go.

[1019] So interesting.

[1020] I've never actually felt like that before.

[1021] I've never, I remembered so many things and time just seemed to stand still.

[1022] And I realize things about my relationship with food that have been maybe locked up in the back room somewhere that I didn't realize.

[1023] So thank you for that.

[1024] Really, really powerful.

[1025] It's my first time ever doing anything with hypnosis.

[1026] But also the shame about the messy room where that comes from too.

[1027] The same feeling that you couldn't fix it.

[1028] And of course you can.

[1029] You can say, I love putting stuff away.

[1030] It feels amazing.

[1031] I wasn't sure whether I'm messy because it reminds me of home so a messy room makes me feel uncomfortable or if it's the opposite like you know I've never been sure which one it is well it's just I think it because you lived in a messy home it was familiar it was easy no one said tidy up put that away so if you were in the army for instance you say oh no I make my bed and because you learned a certain way but you learn the opposite just everything's in a mess so the two things that you learned it's familiar but also it's deeply disappointing because it makes you feel, oh, God, there's a mess again and I can't fix it.

[1032] When the truth is, you can't, you've always got a choice.

[1033] The worst thing is, I can't change it and I can't accept it.

[1034] I can't change it.

[1035] I can't accept it.

[1036] I can't change it.

[1037] Okay, I can accept them.

[1038] I can say, hey, I'm messy and I love it like an artist.

[1039] Or you can say, I can change it.

[1040] But it's like, I can't change it and I can't accept.

[1041] Accept it.

[1042] My daughter loves living in a mess because she's an artist.

[1043] She doesn't even see it.

[1044] Or you can say, I can change it.

[1045] I can change it.

[1046] I can change it.

[1047] I can change it by changing how I think.

[1048] Just say I love putting stuff away.

[1049] It makes me feel powerful.

[1050] And if you say it enough, it will become real because your words create your reality.

[1051] If you don't like your reality, you don't have to change your reality.

[1052] You have to change the way you're speaking, which immediately changes your reality, which is completely shaped by your words.

[1053] Marissa, thank you.

[1054] You're so welcome.

[1055] We have a closing tradition where the last guest leaves a question for the next guest.

[1056] The question left few.

[1057] It's very good one, in fact.

[1058] It's very very relevant.

[1059] If there was one sentence that everyone should believe about themselves that would have the most positive impact on their life, what sentence is that?

[1060] I'm enough.

[1061] All my bracelets say it.

[1062] I live it.

[1063] I created the I'm enough movement, which I'm so proud of.

[1064] It would be I am enough.

[1065] I have so many schools having kids say that this has changed bullying in this school.

[1066] It's changed the way kids perform academically has changed the way they behave emotionally.

[1067] They all have a little placard and they have to say it, state it, affirm, but I am enough.

[1068] That's my favorite statement because it's the truth about everyone, but we just don't know it.

[1069] We often think, well, I'm not enough.

[1070] And if I'm not enough, I need more, more chocolate, more followers, more drinks, more shopping.

[1071] I'm enough.

[1072] It's a statement that can change your whole life if you state it, affirm it, and it will sink in.

[1073] Marissa, thank you.

[1074] Everyone that's listening to this now should definitely head over to your website because there's so much there, whether they want to be trained by you or whether they want to come to one of your events.

[1075] I was in there rummaging around and actually ran out of time because there was so much, so much resources.

[1076] That's how I found the dieting stuff and the coaching stuff and the events.

[1077] And a lot of free stuff too.

[1078] We give away so much free stuff.

[1079] And your YouTube channel is another example of where you're just giving away hundreds of videos for free.

[1080] So thank you for the work you do.

[1081] You're a huge inspiration to me. That's why I wanted to have you back on.

[1082] but also it's my girlfriend who's actually upstairs and talks about you all the time.

[1083] Oh, does she?

[1084] Oh, how lovely.

[1085] And she's, you know, training and doing several courses.

[1086] I believe she's done some of yours as well.

[1087] But you are a force for good in the world.

[1088] Thank you so much.

[1089] It's so wonderful to hear that your work is now moving into schools and the curriculum.

[1090] Yeah, everyone.

[1091] It's so exciting.

[1092] Incredible.

[1093] Just incredible.

[1094] Thank you for being who you are.

[1095] You're welcome.