John Krasinski

[0] Hi, my name is John Krasinski.

[1] And I feel effervescent about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.

[2] There it is.

[3] That's what I wanted to hear.

[4] That was spoken from the heart.

[5] I really believe this is the biggest thing to ever have.

[6] You're now passing me a 20.

[7] It's relatively cheap.

[8] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, Walk and lose Climb the fence Books and pens I can tell that we are going to be friends Can tell that we are going to be friends Hello and welcome to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend Started out as a bit of a lark, didn't it, Sona?

[9] When we first started doing this, remember?

[10] We just were screwing around with two microphones And I don't even think, Mr. Gorley, Were you even part of the project?

[11] I think I did like a...

[12] No, I don't think you were.

[13] I was a hitchhiker and you picked me up on like the way to the third episode or something.

[14] Exactly.

[15] Yeah.

[16] Yeah.

[17] I picked you up and, yes, you tried to murder me. Yeah.

[18] But I got the knife away from you and then you said, oh, I also produced podcasts.

[19] I murder people that pick me up on the road.

[20] I picked up a hitchhiker once.

[21] Who?

[22] Really?

[23] In Hawaii.

[24] We were in Maui.

[25] Who's we?

[26] Me, Erica Brown and Ashley Olivia used to also work on the show.

[27] Yeah.

[28] And I was like, we should pick them up.

[29] It's Hawaii and it's fun.

[30] And Eric was like, he's a stranger.

[31] And I said, once we pick him up, he'll probably be fine.

[32] And he wasn't.

[33] So, okay, I'm surprised because Erica Brown has worked for our show for many years, continues to work for us.

[34] And lovely, and I had lunch with her today, by the way.

[35] She's fantastic.

[36] She's the best.

[37] Very sensible.

[38] Yeah.

[39] Smart and sensible.

[40] If Erica Brown said, no, no, no, don't pick up this person.

[41] This person seems sketch.

[42] Right.

[43] I wouldn't do it.

[44] You ignored Erica Brown, which was your first mistake.

[45] Yes.

[46] You picked up this person, described him.

[47] So he was like just this regular guy, and I thought...

[48] Is this tack?

[49] Yes, it's the person she married.

[50] That's how tacked my nuts.

[51] This is a cute meat.

[52] That's what it's called.

[53] Meekute.

[54] Meat cute or cute mean, I suppose.

[55] It's not a cute mean.

[56] It's a neat cute.

[57] Well, okay.

[58] I like to quickly add like I've heard it both ways, which isn't true.

[59] Yeah.

[60] You do a meat cute to meet someone's cute meat.

[61] Okay.

[62] It is cute, like genitals?

[63] Oh, it could be.

[64] Oh, okay.

[65] All right.

[66] I'm sorry.

[67] What a horrible euphemism for genitals.

[68] I like your cute, cute, cute.

[69] Yep.

[70] It was a meat cute to meet cutes.

[71] What?

[72] No, no, no, it was a meat cute to see cute meat.

[73] Yeah.

[74] And then I was, I translated cutts as like genitals.

[75] Like, it's a meat, it's a meat cute.

[76] That's what I meant.

[77] Okay, yeah, thank you.

[78] Yeah.

[79] You need to get on the same page as being quarrely.

[80] I don't understand what you guys are talking about at all.

[81] I've never been more disconnected.

[82] in a conversation in my life, and this is a podcast.

[83] You're on your own podcast.

[84] I'm on my own podcast, which apparently has a massive audience, and I talk for a living, and in my personal and private life and public life, I've never had a conversation where I feel this lost.

[85] Yeah.

[86] I don't know what you're talking about.

[87] Tell us what this guy looked like, for Christ's sake.

[88] Okay, so he was like this, just this normal white guy.

[89] He was on the side of the road in Hawaii.

[90] When we picked him up, I was like, I'm sure we'll get to know him, and it'll be fun, and we'll become friends.

[91] We find out he's squatting in a house in Maui with his, like, partner and their kids.

[92] He smokes a lot of meth, a lot of meth, goes to raves a lot, does a lot of ecstasy.

[93] And every time he reached into his bag to get something, we were like, he's going to pull out a machete and he's going to kill all of us.

[94] You know what?

[95] Hard to use a machete in an enclosed space.

[96] You need to, there's an arc to that weapon.

[97] Yeah.

[98] I wouldn't worry.

[99] If I was in a car with someone and he had a machete, I'd say, do your best.

[100] all they're going to do is cut up Yeah, this is a rental Go for it It's got a low roof You're not going to be able to get the full extension Go for it, let's see And then as he tried to get at me But kept hitting the seatbelt And the window, I'd just be laughing Like keep trying, fucker Yeah, antagonize the guy with the machete Yeah, come on He'd hit the headrest You'd go like, oh Hijacker hit your headrest And then I'd be like, try it again Come on, buddy boy, Put your back into it.

[101] I really taunt him.

[102] So, wow.

[103] That was a stupid idea.

[104] So how did you get rid of old Methhead Jones?

[105] I was like, maybe he won't be in the car long, and then an hour and a half later, what do you mean?

[106] Drop him off at his stop.

[107] Oh, so you took him his stop?

[108] Yes, it was horrifying.

[109] Did you ever think of pulling over to the side of the road and saying, can you get out, I'm worried about our left rear tire, and then peel out.

[110] Did you think about doing that?

[111] No, I never did that.

[112] That's what I would have done.

[113] I've done that to my wife.

[114] Oh, okay.

[115] I'm like, I'm worried about that tire.

[116] Really?

[117] Yeah, and then I get home first, and we watch what I want to watch.

[118] Oh.

[119] You never picked up a hitchhiker?

[120] No. It's a good idea not to.

[121] Yeah.

[122] I was never tempted to pick up a hitchhiker.

[123] Yeah.

[124] But what were we talking about before this?

[125] A meat in people's cute meat.

[126] Oh, great.

[127] I'm glad you reminded me. A meat cute so that you could, oh, I get why he's confused.

[128] What?

[129] Well, because I said it's a meat cute, and then it was to meet.

[130] cute's what's cute that's what we're saying genitals that was what we were saying but cutes aren't called genitals i know but we were saying genitals genitals are called cute meats that's what i thought see matt i messed up that's what i thought that's what i thought we know sona we know yeah you don't have to keep yelling i messed up it's a given you know it's like a porpoise shouting i'm all wet we know you live in the sea you know it's not necessary it's an octopus going, oh, I have lots of arms.

[131] We know.

[132] It's a camel.

[133] I could use a drink of water.

[134] We know, camel.

[135] We get it.

[136] It's a bird saying, I have the ability to fly.

[137] We know, bird.

[138] It goes without saying.

[139] It's soup going, I tell you, I'm pretty hot right out of the microwave.

[140] We know soup.

[141] That's what you are.

[142] And you're like, I've messed up.

[143] We know.

[144] Your sona.

[145] The point is, it's all good.

[146] It's all good.

[147] And you got to see my range of voices there.

[148] From a camel to a hot bowl of soup.

[149] Ah, the actor's life for me. That's what awaits once I can ditch this podcast.

[150] Wait, so who's on the show today?

[151] Yeah, that's a good question.

[152] Who are you?

[153] I'm a Pop -Tart.

[154] See?

[155] Didn't see that coming, did you?

[156] God, he's got so many voices.

[157] Hey, my guest today starred as Jim Halpert on the Emmy Award -winning NBC series, The Office.

[158] His new movie, A Quiet Place Part 2, which he also wrote and directed, is in theaters right now.

[159] I'm very excited.

[160] He's with us today.

[161] John Krasinski, welcome.

[162] We have an interesting history together.

[163] I'm not sure everybody's aware of it, but I'm just delighted, delighted for your success, delighted to have you on the show and to talk to you about a million different things.

[164] I've been wanting to be on this show forever.

[165] I didn't know you had had other people.

[166] I thought I'd be his first guest because of how far we go back.

[167] We waited a long time.

[168] And at first, I mean, first of all, I intended to start a podcast eight years ago.

[169] And I said, John has to be the first one.

[170] We waited six years.

[171] And then finally we're like, all right.

[172] Will Ferrell.

[173] Let's go.

[174] I can't tell you how excited I am to be here.

[175] So when I saw you a very long time ago, but I've been listening all through quarantine, you're the heart and soul of this show.

[176] Oh!

[177] Coden, did you hear that?

[178] We didn't start recording yet, so I'm recording on my end.

[179] Yeah, I know, but we're having those tapes destroyed.

[180] That just made my whole day.

[181] No, this is truly an honor.

[182] I know I've told you this in emails, but I'll just get it out of the way.

[183] You are without a doubt, and I've said this to you, one of the biggest inspirations on my entire career, because when I was in college, I never did everything, anything every night.

[184] I watched your show at 30 Rock every single night, and I watched how comedy could be both, ridiculously silly and hyper -intelligent at the same time, and it was a brain explosion for me, so I immediately applied to your show.

[185] Well, that is a really sweet thing for you to say.

[186] It's very true.

[187] I really appreciate that.

[188] And I, you know, it's funny is that you applied to be an intern on our show, so you were an intern.

[189] And this is way back in 2000, you were an intern.

[190] And recently someone dug up like the Polaroid.

[191] All the interns have Polaroids up in their refrigerator, so we know their names and everything.

[192] And there was a thing that just said, John, it's this Polaroid of you looking about 15.

[193] Yeah.

[194] Or 50, depending on the angle that you look at.

[195] Yes.

[196] There's an angle where you're a very old woman.

[197] It's a weird angle.

[198] You don't see it often, but...

[199] It's like that, was it Sports Illustrated, where Michael Jordan, if you moved it, his head would move for you.

[200] It was like one of those sport flick things.

[201] I was like, yes, yes.

[202] I've noticed John Krasinski, depending on the angle, he can be an old Greek fisherman.

[203] There's so many things he can be if you just shoot him correctly.

[204] But we had this picture up of you.

[205] We found it recently.

[206] You were a young, eager fellow, excellent intern.

[207] You were, I think, a monologue and script intern.

[208] I was.

[209] So I got the internship.

[210] And then they, I think it was two days later, they said, so we're doing this thing where you have to apply to be a script intern.

[211] And I applied with an amazing woman named Lauren Palmerance, who's gone on to do many things in this business as well.

[212] And that entailed we were the only interns, I think, who got to go on the floor because we had to hand out scripts and we had to be there for script changes.

[213] So I got to see all the rehearsals, all the crying, all the laughter.

[214] No, there is.

[215] I remember, I have a very clear memory of you being backstage and I got to know you a little bit because you were always backstage when we read the jokes and I always tried to keep it very loose.

[216] So I'm running literally the band's playing.

[217] Max Weinberg -7's playing.

[218] I'm back behind the curtain and you're standing there and you're, I'm reading through the jokes and you're sort of observing me read through the jokes.

[219] And then I read one joke and I wasn't sure about it and I said, what do you think of that joke?

[220] And you were like, I don't know.

[221] I think it's pretty good.

[222] And I just, because you're a big guy and I know you're Irish Catholic and you're from Newton and I'm from Brookline and his rival towns, I thought, I have a sense of who I can do this with and who I can't.

[223] You said, I think it's okay.

[224] and I grabbed you and pushed you up against the wall.

[225] And said, what the fuck do you know?

[226] And then let you go just as they said, Conan O 'Brien, and walked out with a big smile on my face.

[227] And then you become this massive star and now, you know, filmmaker, director, and retroactively.

[228] I'm suing you.

[229] In fact, retroactively, I'm really afraid that I fucked with the wrong guy.

[230] I actually remember that.

[231] And there was more dialogue to it that I remember.

[232] at least my therapist and I've gone over it several times.

[233] And I said, I think it's really funny.

[234] And I used to laugh at everything.

[235] And I think you thought I was kidding or just trying to stroke your ego.

[236] And instead, I was genuinely laughing.

[237] And you pushed me up against the wall and you go, is it?

[238] Is it funny?

[239] What is it that you kids do?

[240] Just go home and smoke weed and listen to Pearl Jam?

[241] And I'll never forget that.

[242] What do you know?

[243] What do you know?

[244] You just go home and smoke weed?

[245] and listen to Pearl Jam?

[246] And then I remembered walking out.

[247] And I used to feel like things backstage have to be insane for me to accept the reality of what I do for living.

[248] But I totally understand.

[249] Yes, there have been so many times that people on the show have seen me, you know, we have two, we have headwriters, there's Matt and there's, and Mike Sweeney before him.

[250] I have physically fought them many times in the hallway, gotten them down on the ground.

[251] and there's a rough housing thing that comes with our culture.

[252] I don't know what it is, but I always try and find people that are up for it.

[253] And to this day, even as an older gentleman, my son is now like 6 -2.

[254] He's 15 years old and 6 -2.

[255] I fight him regularly.

[256] I need to fight people.

[257] I remember it.

[258] I remember Mike Sweeney telling you that a joke wasn't going on the show.

[259] And you said, it's going on.

[260] I can pull it off.

[261] And he goes, we don't have time for it.

[262] It's not going on.

[263] And then he slowly walked down the hall, and you started stalking him.

[264] like a lion, and he turned, and he went, no, the answer still no. And then finally you bent over in Greco -Roman style, and I was holding the scripts at the copier, and I was like, this is going to happen.

[265] And you full tackled him, not like playful, like, no, no, I think his skull hit the floor.

[266] It had to, yeah.

[267] And listen, for anyone listening, I know times have changed, and you're not allowed to physically fight anyone in the office anymore, which I find we're just losing something in our culture.

[268] There's something important that's being lost here, and it's tragic.

[269] But you worked for us, and then you leave, and I remember this very clearly because it was so satisfying.

[270] You were very well liked.

[271] You leave.

[272] We all wish you well.

[273] You come back like three years later.

[274] I can't remember exactly as a guest, as the first guest, to promote the office.

[275] That's right.

[276] And I couldn't believe how quick.

[277] I mean, it's one thing for people to leave and eventually do well, but it was insane how quickly you did well.

[278] That day, I remember vividly, and then there are many pieces that are just holes because I blacked out several times.

[279] But I remember how surreal it was walking down that hallway that I had run down with Goldenrod scripts and had these people go, oh, it is so good to see you.

[280] I'm so glad it's you and all these incredibly nice things.

[281] Then you came into my dressing room, and I remember not.

[282] nodding at you very much.

[283] And I fought you.

[284] This isn't over.

[285] You punk.

[286] What are you listening to now?

[287] Third eye blind.

[288] Sorry, go ahead.

[289] But I remember it was PT that used to pull the curtain, right?

[290] Yeah, yeah.

[291] Paul.

[292] So he used to pull the curtain.

[293] And I remember he goes, we're all just, and the drums are going.

[294] And we're all just so proud of you.

[295] Go out there and get him.

[296] And he pulled the curtain.

[297] And I lost all consciousness.

[298] And I walked, I guess I doddled up to you.

[299] And you could see that my eyes had rolled back into my brain, and you gave me the most firm, loving handshake, and you went, it's going to be great.

[300] Just sit down.

[301] It's going to be great.

[302] Remember, that's what brought me back.

[303] Yeah, and you were fantastic.

[304] And then I think we're all going to be watching the office 50 years from now.

[305] Yeah.

[306] It's not going to lose its luster because there's nothing about it that feels fake or, okay, that was great in its moment, but you had to be there.

[307] If anything, it's just continued to grow.

[308] Absolutely.

[309] And I think a lot of that has to do with how absolutely authentic.

[310] Greg made it.

[311] And I know that you and Greg go way back, but Greg who created our show.

[312] Greg Daniels, yeah.

[313] Were you guys roommates or just friends?

[314] No, Greg Daniels and I knew each other in college.

[315] We got to know each other actually senior year, kind of late in college.

[316] And then we decided we both wanted to try our hand in comedy.

[317] And we were at the Crimson, right?

[318] No, not the Crimson.

[319] Oh, good Lord, no. There's no comedy at the Crimson.

[320] The reason why I brought up the Crimson is because you told that prank story at an NBC event.

[321] Yes.

[322] And I thought you were the sex pistols.

[323] I was like, that's the most punk rock thing I've ever heard.

[324] Yeah.

[325] Well, Greg Daniels was part of that prank.

[326] Crimson is the newspaper at Harvard, and it's a very serious place.

[327] And everyone there goes on to win Pulitzer's instantly.

[328] And so it's, and then the Lampoon, which is the comedy magazine, is the opposite.

[329] So we decided to break in.

[330] And Greg was there.

[331] I remember he was wearing camouflage pants.

[332] and we broke in and we stole that day's edition before it had gone out.

[333] And I ended up kind of getting arrested.

[334] But you left everything but the telephone.

[335] I left everything but I kept picking up the phone and going, the phone would ring occasionally and like an idiot, I had to do a bit.

[336] So I'd pick it up and go, hello, hello, front desk.

[337] No, Clark Kent's not here.

[338] I'll put your throat of Perry White and hang up.

[339] And so they immediately knew something was wrong.

[340] But they also gave you a Pulitzer, which was so weird.

[341] Yeah, I didn't know you could get a Pulitzer for being an ass But anyway, we met at the Lampoon, and then we decided neither one of us wanted to go out to L .A. alone.

[342] So we came out to Los Angeles.

[343] But we started out together.

[344] We had one really crappy car that we bought at the airport.

[345] We bought a car at the airport, which don't do that.

[346] I bought, we bought one, and we got tricked, and we bought this an Asuzu Opel.

[347] We shared it, and we shared an apartment, and we shared, we had a desk that we sat on either side of at work.

[348] And, yeah, it was like we were shackled together.

[349] But then he goes on.

[350] But he drew the cup, right?

[351] Didn't he make you the cup that's been on your desk?

[352] He made me the cup that's been on my desk for 28 years.

[353] We should have Greg on this show.

[354] What am I doing here?

[355] I think you should move along.

[356] Could you get me?

[357] Could you get me a cup of coffee, please?

[358] No, my point was to say that I think that it was so authentic.

[359] And to be honest, like you said, ahead of its time in a way too authentic, certainly for the network.

[360] And I've told this story, but it's, it was going to be.

[361] canceled every single Friday.

[362] Yep.

[363] We had a very nice man who came down and he said, oh, I love it.

[364] We are not going to keep making this.

[365] It's a bummer.

[366] And then you basically get a call, I guess, like over the weekend or something and says, all right, come back for Monday.

[367] We'll do one more.

[368] And I asked this guy for a DVD of the episode so I could prove to my mom that I was doing, that what I was doing was real so that she didn't think I was just like on a beach in California pretending to be an actor.

[369] And I still have that DVD.

[370] But I also remember, you know, a lot of people say, owe everything to the fans, but we genuinely owe the entire show to the fans because at the exact same time iTunes had come out and iPods had come out.

[371] And I remember walking through New York, I went back to waiting tables after the pilot of the office.

[372] That's how little confidence I had in break.

[373] And a guy held up his iPod and he said, look, man, you're on my iPod.

[374] I said, A, what's an iPod?

[375] And B, why am I two inches tall on this small piece of tech?

[376] And that's it.

[377] As soon as people bought a show that they could see for free on Thursdays or Tuesdays or whenever it was at the time, they had to keep the show on.

[378] So we had our fan base actually save our show.

[379] You know, we went through the exact same thing, as you probably know, at late night before you got there.

[380] But in the early years, we were supposed to get canceled pretty much every week.

[381] And that's what I would read in the paper.

[382] And that's what people would tell me on the street.

[383] But what I always knew is that young people were saying, oh, my God, that thing you did last night.

[384] And I'd say, that's really weird.

[385] Yes.

[386] Executives are telling me, this is no good.

[387] And then I'm getting like a high five.

[388] Yeah.

[389] And people come up to you and go, I'll cut you.

[390] fool, and you're like, is that Pimpot?

[391] Is that, yeah, they're doing, they're quoting stuff from the show.

[392] And, um, but this is a good lesson for people listening.

[393] You know, I'm sitting here and I'm talking to John Krasinski and he's telling you and he's right, because I know this from Greg, the office was a very tenuous proposition for the first year.

[394] Uh, at Seinfeld was a very tenuous proposition for the first year or two.

[395] Um, some things are a big hit right away.

[396] And what happens is history gets rewritten.

[397] Yeah.

[398] So, it's right.

[399] A world without the office now seems impossible.

[400] but it almost didn't happen.

[401] It could have easily gone away.

[402] All one executive had to do was remember to cancel it and it would have probably gone away.

[403] But that didn't happen.

[404] So it becomes part of the culture.

[405] And it's really so important to people.

[406] And what I think is, and you can talk to this, you're very, and you and the cast, you're very funny in the show, but you're playing the reality of whatever's happening.

[407] I also think there's an emotion.

[408] undercurrent to it all.

[409] And I think that that feels very real because you don't always like your coworker.

[410] You are sort of intimidated by your boss.

[411] You do have feelings for people.

[412] And I think that undercurrent is something that the show scratches where people can identify themselves.

[413] Whatever walk of life you are, you can identify yourself in that.

[414] And you can identify your coworkers and your friends and everything.

[415] So it feels like you're a part of the show.

[416] At least that's how I see it.

[417] And the biggest compliment for us, and again, I don't usually speak for.

[418] the whole cast, but I think I can say this, is especially during the past year, the greatest thing about this show is when people say, hey, that really got me through the hardest time in my life.

[419] Not a hard time, the hardest time in my life.

[420] I remember I had flown all night once on a red eye, and this girl came up to me. She was very, very sweet.

[421] And she just handed me this note.

[422] She barely said anything.

[423] She said, hi, I don't want to bother you, but I just wanted to give you this note.

[424] And I thought, oh, that's nice.

[425] And I got in my car.

[426] I opened the note.

[427] and it said, I just wanted to let you know my dad passed last week.

[428] And I had to tell you that because of you, the last memory I have is of him laughing.

[429] Because the last week of his life, we just sat and watched the office.

[430] He was very sick.

[431] And I just, that blew my mind.

[432] It still jokes me up to think about it now.

[433] But the fact that you're not, it goes beyond entertainment.

[434] You're somebody's friend.

[435] You're somebody's comfort blanket.

[436] That's what I think is the beauty of the show and the most important thing to me and why it's such an honor to be a part of it.

[437] I mean, you can't ask, there are nice things that come with show business, obviously, but when you have that experience of someone saying to you, oh, no, you're, I was very depressed.

[438] And then I saw you and it made me happy and it brought me some joy, that thing that you made.

[439] And you made it years ago.

[440] Yeah.

[441] And so much has happened for you since then.

[442] But that's a gift that's going to keep giving for you.

[443] You know, that's going to, what's nice is that, I think 20 years from now, when people have episodes of the office implanted at birth.

[444] into their brain.

[445] It'll be mandatory.

[446] The government will make that happen.

[447] But that's the thing.

[448] Again, you owe it to Greg because he also recalibrated all of our level of storytelling.

[449] I mean, for me, the truth is I would never have done a quiet place if it wasn't for advice that Greg gave me years ago where he said exactly what you just said.

[450] I was very nervous and he said, you look weird as something going on.

[451] I said, oh, no, this is just my favorite joke in the script.

[452] I want to make sure I deliver it funny.

[453] And he went, whoa, whoa, whoa, you don't deliver anything funny.

[454] You deliver it truthfully, and it's up to them out there in TV land if they think it's funny or not.

[455] And if they think that a moment with you and Jenna is emotional or not, don't play emotion.

[456] Don't play funny.

[457] And so when I sat down to, you know, rewrite the first script of A Quiet Place, I said, I don't know how to do a scary movie.

[458] I don't know how to do scares.

[459] And I just thought, write what you know, write characters that people fall in love with, and whatever happens to them will be up to you.

[460] And so as soon as I started writing this family and made it a family drama, all the scares just laid themselves down.

[461] It wasn't about trying to scare people.

[462] It was organic.

[463] Yeah, and fall in love with these characters, and you'll be terrified to see anything bad happen to them.

[464] I had the pleasure.

[465] I have not seen a movie in a theater in whatever it's been, 15 months because of COVID.

[466] So I get the great news that you're going to do the podcast, and you've agreed to the terms, the finances.

[467] the payment is made.

[468] Took two months, but we're here.

[469] I can't believe you're paying me. I'm getting $800 ,000 for John to be here.

[470] But anyway, I hear, yeah, would you like to see a quiet place too?

[471] And I love the first one and I said, yeah.

[472] Now, I was dreading seeing this because for the last 15 months, when I see someone's movie, they send it to me on a special secure link.

[473] Can't do it.

[474] and I watch it on my computer, my laptop, and there's a watermark across the front of it that says Conan O 'Brien on it.

[475] And so what happens is there'll be sex scenes.

[476] So these two attractive people will be going at it in the...

[477] And my name just goes, wow, and it's very disturbing.

[478] I don't know what that it's...

[479] And it takes me out of the film every time.

[480] And then it's also kind of erotic for me. But the point is, I really didn't want to see the movie that way.

[481] and your office called and said, you can see it in this amazing Dolby Theater and you can bring a couple people from your show.

[482] So we went yesterday.

[483] First of all, Jen, you were at the screening yesterday.

[484] Yes, that opening sequence was phenomenal.

[485] Like, I was in the whole time.

[486] And you know, it was so funny.

[487] There was, I think, someone, so we leave the theater and we tell the people there how much we love the movie.

[488] And then we're out on the sidewalk, and we're just in Hollywood Boulevard, which is reeks of urine.

[489] turned out it was mine, but we're all chatting about how much we love the movie when someone walks by who either works for you or the studio and had kind of had overheard us.

[490] And I thought, most screenings I walk out of, I'm like, oh, God, what am I going to say?

[491] I mean, that's a lot of screenings I see.

[492] And this person walked by and I went, oh, thank.

[493] She heard that we actually were talking about how much we loved the movie and how we actually thought it exceeded the first one and heard us really talking about it and I thought we're busted but in such a good way.

[494] That's amazing.

[495] Yeah, we were just, we were completely blown away and I'm really glad you did the origin story of that effect is, I've seen aliens show up in every different movie and I thought you guys found the new scary, scary, quiet way for them to show up and everybody's reaction was just, you know, it reminded me of like Roy Shider that's exactly what I based on.

[496] Oh, really?

[497] The beach scene in Joss.

[498] Oh, fuck.

[499] It's exactly right.

[500] There's this part where you're looking, and I'm like, this is Roy Scheider realizing everything is different.

[501] That's right.

[502] And you, everybody starts to run.

[503] Let's not run.

[504] Everyone starts quietly backing away.

[505] And I'm watching it and I'm terrified.

[506] But in a way, I think so many people misunderstand that terror has to be used.

[507] I mean, it's like you have to be very careful calibrating that.

[508] That's exactly.

[509] Well, I remember when I was doing my first movie I was directing, I told you.

[510] my mom there was going to be something graphic in it and she said yeah just don't make it too graphic you know everybody's imagination is so far beyond anything that you can show them on film and it's true and so when you put something small like that in the sky people are like what the behind clouds yeah behind clouds and you can't quite see but it doesn't look good and you just slowly and I thought that was really a testament to I know that technically that's there in the writing but it's also like that's directing to me that's saying I am going to gently play with these dials, and so that, but I can't believe.

[511] That's what I thought of as Roy Scheider, St. Shock and Jaws, and then you saying that's what I was thinking about, wow, I am a very good film critic.

[512] Yeah, yeah, you are.

[513] Emily, your wife is brilliant, as always.

[514] Thank you.

[515] And also, I would think they'd be here directing this movie.

[516] Your wife is the lead, and there's pressure.

[517] Like, you can't shoot, you know, she's gorgeous.

[518] She's one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, but you have to make, you know, it's like you, you don't want to, you want to make sure that you capture her correctly, because she's going to really be pissed at you when you get home.

[519] Totally.

[520] If she looks at the dailies and it's like, what happened?

[521] Totally.

[522] Well, there's this, you know, there's a water scene.

[523] I won't get anything away.

[524] By the way, I just blacked out.

[525] Again, that is the kindest, most amazing.

[526] And coming from you, genuinely, it means so much more to me coming from you.

[527] And I think the fact that I said if he's comfortable, would he ever go to a theater.

[528] I have.

[529] to make that happen for you because I want it.

[530] I mean, obviously, I'm going all over the country trying to say thank you to the people coming back to the theater.

[531] Yes, absolutely go see our movie, but go see movies.

[532] And so hearing that from me was so, so amazing.

[533] The cinematography, it looks gorgeous.

[534] And there are moments in the movie that Emily looks almost like a Renaissance painting.

[535] Like there's sort of like a golden.

[536] Yeah, exactly.

[537] She's and but the kids in this film, Millicent Simmons and, was it Noah, Jupe?

[538] Yep, that's it.

[539] They are spectacular.

[540] It's very hard for a child to find a good, you know, a child actor who can do what these kids can do.

[541] Oh, absolutely.

[542] Because their roles are bigger in this film.

[543] Absolutely.

[544] Yeah.

[545] And I'd always been told, never work with kids because they're the most unprofessional.

[546] They never learn their lines.

[547] They have school.

[548] They have all these needs.

[549] And you're going to lose all your days.

[550] Well, I got two kids who are without a doubt, not only two of the most talented people I've ever worked with, but two of the most incredible humans.

[551] They're so deep.

[552] I mean, if you really think about it on the first one, I believe they were 13 and 12.

[553] Right.

[554] And to even be able to process themes like that level of loss, your dad's basically blaming you for said loss, things like that.

[555] Not only could she process and know a process, but they were able to articulate it specifically in a performance was mental.

[556] I mean, it was just incredible.

[557] So we were saving time.

[558] I was the least professional person on the first one.

[559] That's why I killed myself.

[560] Spoiler.

[561] Hey, hey, if you haven't seen the first one, maybe he dies, maybe he doesn't, but he dies.

[562] But you know what's crazy?

[563] It's like, we have to talk about this.

[564] When you made the first one, you didn't know there'd be a sequel.

[565] No, not at all.

[566] You thought, okay, I'm going to try this and we'll see what happens.

[567] And it becomes, you know, you write and direct this movie.

[568] it's a massive hit it's a critical hit people love it and you must have thought to yourself now I'm going to do the sequel oh shit I killed myself for it why did I do that I mean and it's important that you did well my agent said that and called me immediately you could have done he's like look Hamlet it worked you just bring you a comeback as a ghost or else it's that other thing too that so many movies just when and the first one's a hit and the person's died.

[569] And I can think of so many where it starts with the second one and you'd basically been torn to shreds, but you slowly get up and go, ah, and Emily, yeah, your wife comes running over and soes you up and you're like, oh, Tylenol, and then you're okay.

[570] Yeah.

[571] You're okay, you walk with a slight length.

[572] Did you read the first draft of the sequel?

[573] I did.

[574] You called me up and I went, I think I'd come back.

[575] Oh, God.

[576] Well, the funny thing was, the first movie, I can't put too fine a point on it.

[577] It was, we made the movie, for $17 million, which in the world of movies is very small.

[578] We had gone through a transition at the studio where there was a whole new batch of people who had nothing to do with making the movie, but now had the movie in their hands, who were incredibly supportive, but they didn't know what it was.

[579] They had no idea.

[580] So we were going into this thing completely flying blind.

[581] And without a doubt, I think the highlight of my career was going down to Austin, Texas, to South by Southwest, and having 16, I went from zero people seeing it, or maybe my wife, one person.

[582] And then 1 ,600 people saw it the next day.

[583] And we were driving over there.

[584] And I remember my wife said, can I ask you a question?

[585] My wife's like a weird, incredible sage.

[586] And she goes, one thing.

[587] You get one thing that you want to pay attention to tonight and then let everything else go.

[588] And I said, okay.

[589] I said, she's like, what's the one thing you'd like to see?

[590] And I said, well, I heard some of these festival things they applaud at the end.

[591] That would be nice.

[592] Just if they like the movie, that would be nice.

[593] She goes, great.

[594] Then focus on that one thing and don't be talking, don't be thinking about this note and that note and what you should have done.

[595] So I say, great.

[596] And then we get in there, and, of course, everyone's dead silent through the movie.

[597] And I keep leaning over to Emily going, that's it.

[598] That's my career.

[599] It's over.

[600] And she goes, I think they love it.

[601] And I was like, they clearly don't love it.

[602] They're not making any noise.

[603] And then you shouldn't go to your own screenings, by the way, because people can hear you.

[604] This isn't worry.

[605] Is that John Krasinski?

[606] Isn't this his movie?

[607] This is a failure.

[608] I can't believe I'm Jim from the office.

[609] John Krasinski, the guy you know.

[610] And then at the end of the movie, she cocks that gun and everyone jumped out of their seats and started shaking the seats, which I had never seen before.

[611] And I have to talk to somebody about blacking out all this time.

[612] But I definitely sort of everything became distorted.

[613] I have no recollection of what happened at that moment.

[614] And it was just a wild thing.

[615] So my point was I was never going to do a sequel.

[616] The studio had asked and said, would you do a sequel?

[617] I said, no way, because that was the most personal movie to me. That to me was a love letter to my kids.

[618] That was about what would you really do for your kids and all.

[619] all that.

[620] And so it really was the idea of making Millie the lead character in the movie.

[621] Yeah.

[622] That became the thing that I thought, well, if we could do that, that would be pretty exceptional.

[623] Making the kids the lead of the movie sort of not only is it great because they can pull it off, but they represent all the themes and metaphors of the first one, like family, like carrying the mantle of the people in the generation before you better than they could and hope and all these amazing things.

[624] You know, it's funny because you brought up, or people are asking you, were you going to make a sequel?

[625] And I think you can relate to this.

[626] There is kind of a Catholic Boston thing.

[627] Absolutely.

[628] Of who am I to blank?

[629] Yeah.

[630] Who am I to?

[631] And it's the Irish call it tall poppies.

[632] That's exactly right.

[633] If you get a little too tall, it's in culture, it's called different things in different cultures.

[634] Too big for your britches.

[635] You get too big for your britches.

[636] And I know that because you come from the neighboring town, we've talked about this before, you know, privately, but I'm from Brookline, and our rival is Newton.

[637] That's right.

[638] And I used to run track against Newton North.

[639] I used to run track there.

[640] It's Newton -Noth, but sure.

[641] Newton -Nath, and I was terrible, so they loved me in Newton -Ath.

[642] But, and I do have a very strong memory of running distance there, running the two -mile indoor at this new track they built.

[643] And then five years later, they said, we have to tear that track down because it's made of horrible asbestos.

[644] I realized.

[645] Thanks to Newton.

[646] If I go with a lung -related ailment, I want everyone to go after Newton North right now.

[647] My wife actually asked me, what's the difference between North and South?

[648] Because we were going to see my parents and we were on the Sella train from New York to Boston.

[649] And I said, oh, I don't know.

[650] You know, it's like a Boston thing.

[651] You'll get it when you get there.

[652] And she goes, well, what's the difference?

[653] And I kid you not, a guy behind me, went, John, John Krasinski?

[654] And I go, yeah.

[655] And he goes, you're from Newton, right?

[656] And I go, yeah, and he goes, Noth the South.

[657] And I'm from the South and he goes, Noth.

[658] And then walked off the train.

[659] And I literally turned to Emily and I went, well, there's your answer.

[660] Bitter, a bitter, bitterly angry.

[661] Yes, people are, I mean, this is why humanity can never be saved.

[662] We will draw a line down the middle of Newton Mass, call one north, the other south.

[663] And if you're from the wrong one, fuck you.

[664] By the way, I think I told you this story.

[665] One of my favorite Boston stories, because you know it's that thing of like, don't give too much, and it's not an aggressive thing.

[666] It's not a negative thing.

[667] Later in life, it becomes a negative thing.

[668] But in the moment, no one's trying to be malicious.

[669] But I was at South Station.

[670] Do you remember the old, you know, like the ticker.

[671] It was like, tick, tick, tick, tick.

[672] It would tell you when the trains are coming in.

[673] And it was the old one that spun.

[674] And I was sitting there waiting for a train back to New York.

[675] And there was a guy who clearly had just gotten off a job site of some sort.

[676] He was covered in dust or soot or something.

[677] And he had the old, like, dome lunchbox.

[678] It was like a perfect image.

[679] And he looked over and he was wiping his face and he looked over and he said the same thing.

[680] He goes, John?

[681] And I go, yeah.

[682] And he goes, John from the office?

[683] And I go, yeah.

[684] And he goes, funniest fucking thing on television.

[685] And I went, wow, thank you so much.

[686] He goes, I'm not kidding.

[687] I watch it with my family every week.

[688] It's a family affair.

[689] And I went, oh, it's so nice.

[690] And I went to shake his hand.

[691] He went, all right, all right.

[692] As soon as I went to make physical contact, he was like, I'm out of here.

[693] This is enough.

[694] Whoa.

[695] Whoa.

[696] Hey, by the way, I'm straight, just so you know.

[697] What do you think you're doing?

[698] But that is so, I'm bringing this up because there is a thing where it's this constant yin -yang of I want to go for it, but who am I to ask for more than I've already been given?

[699] Exactly.

[700] And so for you to be in the office, that's enough for anyone in Boston.

[701] That's actually topping out on too much.

[702] You know, and then you go off and you become this very successful writer -director and you can feel like, okay, people might be, the office was good, but stay in your lane.

[703] You know what I mean?

[704] Stay in your place.

[705] And it's a very, like I say, it's a very, I've encountered it many times there where they're a little, they're excited, but they don't want to see you, but they don't want to show they're excited.

[706] If you look at all like you were kind of expecting them to recognize you, they'll tear your head off.

[707] Oh, I do this bit with Matt Damon called Bitter Boston guy.

[708] The first time we met, I left him a message and I went, hey, man, how you doing?

[709] It's Tommy O'Donnell.

[710] Just wanted to say, we went to high school together.

[711] You probably don't remember me. Anyway, congratulations on all your success and your children and your wife.

[712] And like, it just gets more and more upset the better your life is.

[713] Oh, no, no, no, congratulations on.

[714] Go, well, hunting.

[715] very good movie and it's just everything's got the little edge I remember I maybe I've mentioned this before on the podcast but it bears repeating I was not long ago in a in a nice hotel in Boston and you know in in the bar and I think I'm having drinks with my my two of my brothers or something and I go in to use the restroom and I want to say a woman about 5560 follows me I go to the urinal, and then I hear the door open, and she comes in and goes, Conan, Conan, you know, and I, and I was like, yeah, I'm here, and she's, her attitude was, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, like, what's the big deal?

[716] I'm just coming to say hi, I guess you're a big star, and I'm like, this has nothing to do with that.

[717] You're a woman.

[718] I'm at the urinal.

[719] There are a certain, but I was the uptight celebrity because, what are you doing?

[720] Yeah.

[721] And by the way, I was in that urine.

[722] I was, I go to the urinal a lot and I stay there for a long time, and I think she was concerned.

[723] And she had her right because it's weird.

[724] Well, she heard the tinking.

[725] Something was like tinking.

[726] It wasn't all liquid.

[727] No. The thing is, there's nothing I love more than being from Boston.

[728] So what we're talking about is sort of an edge to it, but it's...

[729] But it's beautiful.

[730] Oh, they're the best.

[731] When I go back, it's incredible.

[732] I love it, but I love that there's an edge there.

[733] And I love that it's complicated with them.

[734] And in a way, it feels more honest.

[735] It feels like they're keeping it honest.

[736] Like you go back and you're not going to get away with, you're not going to get away with any shit there, which is, I think, to that town's credit.

[737] But, yeah, I was very, it was interesting because when COVID first broke out, posters, billboards were just going up for a quiet place part two.

[738] It was when it was just starting, that eerie beginning of the whole thing, when, wait a minute, do we wear a mask?

[739] Do we not wear a mask?

[740] What is this?

[741] This is going to last two weeks?

[742] going to do with three weeks.

[743] And one of the billboards has just stayed up for the entire 15, 16 months.

[744] And the movie didn't come out.

[745] That's right.

[746] Because you were ready to go.

[747] And I can imagine you put your heart and soul into this thing and it's ready to go.

[748] And suddenly it stops.

[749] Yeah.

[750] And it's, uh, I saw this billboard every day.

[751] And I think it's still there.

[752] It's on the way, uh, to the theater where we do our show now.

[753] Uh, yeah, totally is.

[754] The Largo Theater.

[755] And, um, I would see it every day.

[756] And I thought, uh, it must have been, difficult for you on the creative side to have made this thing and what you want is I think this is really good and I'm ready for people to see it and then everything is yeah okay we don't know when this is going to come out but it's one of those amazing things where this was this was bigger than all of us what happened you know I mean so I think that for me a lot of the emotion got taken out by how black or white a decision this was there was just the right thing to do right and I think that helped I think where it really started to hit me was five or six months later when I tried to do something creative.

[757] And there was something that I was holding inside that hadn't been let out.

[758] And so therefore, my creative process was very difficult.

[759] It was hard to, it's almost like you realize in this business, you try to work really hard on something.

[760] It comes out and then you use that energy to write something else and come out with something else.

[761] So if I was bouncing on trampolids, one was missing.

[762] I couldn't get to that next spot without it.

[763] And it, it, is the reason why I fought so hard to be one of the first, I guess we're the first theatrical only movie this year, because whether or not it was just in my head, I wanted to be an emotional bookend for people that this movie represented the end of, or the beginning of COVID and the end of sort of normalcy as we knew it.

[764] So let's have it be the representation of normalcy coming back.

[765] Yeah.

[766] What's amazing too, because, and I don't think I'm giving anything away here, but the film, the way it begins, It's taking you into a world as it's changing radically.

[767] And I thought, yes, right, this is actually a perfect, I don't know, metaphor, a perfect story about life freezing, life suddenly stopping and then becoming something completely different and everything gets turned upside down.

[768] That's the core at the story of what's happening.

[769] Obviously, there's also a lot of, you know, emotional resists.

[770] and the characters, but this is, I couldn't help but notice, and I think a lot of people would notice the similarities in sort of just what we've been through.

[771] Yeah, absolutely.

[772] My favorite compliments in these screenings that we've been doing around the country is people felt so much more emotionally charged about seeing people step back into the normalcy.

[773] So seeing this girl walk down a train track, taking every single step, knowing the circumstances as she took steps were changing.

[774] She was going to be the one to change things, that it had an emotional resonance.

[775] And I think that for me, that's what I hope if there are correlations, you know, clearly there are weird correlations that we never intended.

[776] But if there are correlations, the correlation I hope everybody takes is that of hope, you know, that idea of courage and bravery and community and how the only way to get through the darkest times is to do it together.

[777] Well, what I want to stress, the jury was listening is it is such, I was so engaged as an audience member.

[778] I mean, it is a great story, and these themes are all there.

[779] Everything you're saying is there, but if you, I was just so thoroughly in the story the whole time, and then you managed to get these two threads of the story going, which run along the same time as each other, and each one is terrifying, and they're both going at the same time, and I thought that was just, I mean, I thought that was masterfully done.

[780] Thank you so much.

[781] Not that I'm not a movie critic.

[782] I just, as an audience member and as someone who...

[783] Well, you are now, and I'll take it.

[784] I'll take it.

[785] Nope, actually, you're the best movie critic.

[786] Thanks so much.

[787] I'm the greatest movie critic of all time.

[788] But, yeah, I'm just absolutely delighted for you.

[789] And I think...

[790] And I also have to say, I can't...

[791] I can fathom a lot of things, but I can't...

[792] My whole life has been dedicated to create something and then see it realized...

[793] later that day, or maybe, maybe a couple of weeks later, or maybe a month later, but that's about as far as I can think.

[794] Right.

[795] You were there with us in that process, in that world, and then you moved on to something like the office, which is every week, which still feels like a very different situation than what, you know, anything I've ever worked on.

[796] And the work that you and Greg did there is quite different from my life.

[797] little think of it and then you see it an hour later.

[798] But now you're working on something where you're writing and directing and the time span is about two years.

[799] It's two years.

[800] For a movie, by the time you write it, direct it and edit it and then release it, it's about two years.

[801] That I can't understand.

[802] I can't understand you going to a screening to see when you describe going with Emily to, well, I put two years of my life into this.

[803] Now let's see if people like it or not and the verdict will come in in an hour and 40 minutes.

[804] Exactly.

[805] I don't understand.

[806] understand that.

[807] No, it's terrifying.

[808] And then the funny thing is, a friend of ours said, you know, I'm really sorry that you had to pull the movie and I told him and that it's the right thing to do.

[809] And he said, no, but you have to admit.

[810] It's, it's such a long process.

[811] It's almost like you were having a baby.

[812] Yeah.

[813] The doctor pulled it out, said, it's a boy, then jammed it back into you and said, by the way, I'm not quite sure when I can take him back out.

[814] You're like, wait, wait, wait, what?

[815] Well, that's a horrifying image.

[816] Yeah.

[817] I want to apologize.

[818] That's Quiet Place Part three so it'll be all right well listen uh a quiet place uh part two i i please go well do yourself a favor i'm not i'm just telling you as someone who loved being entertained when i saw it and uh really enjoyed it and i'm delighted i'm delighted for you and you sent me a picture uh i mean on every level i think it was a Halloween picture you sent me a while ago on my phone and it was you with your kids and you guys were all in costumes, and it was just like, oh, you're having that experience.

[819] I mean, I forget sometimes because I'm someone that believes only show business is important.

[820] And children, I mean, I don't see the point.

[821] And I tell them that every day.

[822] And that's why you fight.

[823] And that's why we fight.

[824] They're like, dad, love us.

[825] I'm like, I don't see the point.

[826] And then a fight ensues.

[827] But I'm just across the board, delighted for you, and you deserve it.

[828] And for me to have been senior.

[829] at the very beginning of this journey and see where you are now and know that if I tried to fight you right now, I think six massive guys who work for the movie studio would take my head off and shit into my skull.

[830] Well, listen, and again, I know I said at the beginning, this moment for me is amazing because being here and talking about all this stuff with you feels like not only talking to a friend but talking to someone who's not only been there from the beginning, but has been there in a way every single step of the way with me, so I really, really appreciate it.

[831] All right, well, John, be well.

[832] Thank you so much.

[833] Continue to do good work.

[834] Thank you.

[835] Huge hello to the family.

[836] Yes, I will pass that along.

[837] I'll tell my agent, and he'll talk to them.

[838] Oh, wow.

[839] We don't talk directly.

[840] God, this is getting worse.

[841] It just simplifies things.

[842] Yeah, you're right.

[843] You're right.

[844] Thank you so much, John.

[845] Thank you.

[846] This is awesome.

[847] Guys, a few episodes ago, we inadvertently stumbled upon a new segment called sound effects theater where Sona and I set up environments.

[848] And Conan, you made the sound effects of the things in that environment, but only using spoken word.

[849] Yeah, I decided that too much work and trouble goes into, you know, for movies and TV shows and radio shows, especially podcasts, trying to recreate the actual sound of a door opening or a catwalking.

[850] And so I, decided, why don't you just have someone say, door open, you know, and people will get the idea.

[851] It's genius.

[852] Well, you know what, I know you're being sarcastic, but I think I might be on to something because we should try to make a podcast in particular as easy for everyone to use and to create.

[853] That would be more democratic.

[854] This is a favor we're doing.

[855] Not everyone has to go out and buy special effects or download them on some computer.

[856] do it my way.

[857] And I think we demonstrated with our episode that it really works.

[858] It got a huge response.

[859] It did, but you're doing sound effects theater as an act of charity?

[860] No, as a man who's not afraid to look at something and say, why can't it be different?

[861] You all look at what is and go, that is.

[862] I say, couldn't it be something different?

[863] That's what makes me a visionary, in my opinion.

[864] Oh, okay.

[865] Well, you said it was what?

[866] You said we did a good job like it was successful.

[867] It blew up.

[868] Awful.

[869] Oh, but we did a terrible job with it.

[870] Matt, Matt, it was a big hit.

[871] I've had people stop me on the street and ask for more sound effects theater.

[872] And I've said, sorry, it's a lot of work.

[873] And I don't have time for that kind of foolishness.

[874] And then as I walk away, walk away, walk away, walk away.

[875] Kills every time.

[876] Okay, so the last time we did this was on the Seth Rogen episode if you want to check it out.

[877] but I'm just going to throw something out in an environment.

[878] Sona and I will be in that environment.

[879] We'll set you up for sound effects.

[880] Are you guys ready?

[881] No. Yeah, I was born to do this.

[882] I'm not.

[883] I'm terrible at improv.

[884] I think that should already be.

[885] It can't be any worse than the sound effects.

[886] You don't have anything to worry about.

[887] Yeah, okay.

[888] Laugh all you want, but I think I'm on to something.

[889] All right.

[890] All right.

[891] Let's say this time, okay, we're on a battlefield.

[892] Oh.

[893] All right.

[894] Sergeant Mofsessian Hand me the Colt 45 pistol Yes Colonel Yes, can't you see these birds on my helmet Don't back talk to me Hand me the Coler Wait, wait wait a minute You can't even Wait no no come on this is so stupid No no how much do the sound effects If you can't even talk I can talk I just I've never been He gave you and also it's not like improv It's all about making interesting choice He gave you a direct order.

[895] I know.

[896] All you have to do is say yes, sir.

[897] But you struggled with his imaginary rank.

[898] How are we supposed to make any progress?

[899] He literally, it's just a yes, sir.

[900] Here you go.

[901] Not like, oh, okay, colonel, who I met in Indianapolis.

[902] You don't have to do that.

[903] Okay, I'm sorry.

[904] Let's try it again.

[905] I'll do it.

[906] I'll simplify.

[907] Just keep it simple, yeah.

[908] Okay.

[909] Sergeant Mofsset, unholster your Colt 45.

[910] I will do that, Colonel.

[911] Oh, no. Now, please cock the slide of the weapon and chamber around.

[912] Sure thing.

[913] Cuck?

[914] Did you just call me a cock?

[915] My gun did.

[916] I'm sorry.

[917] Oh, okay, sorry.

[918] All right.

[919] Now I would like you to discharge your weapon at the target.

[920] Yes, Colonel.

[921] Fire shit!

[922] I think your gun just sneezed.

[923] Bless you.

[924] Is your gun okay?

[925] I don't know, Colonel.

[926] It's acting up weird, so let me...

[927] I'm smacking it so that it'll work better.

[928] Rattle?

[929] Rattle?

[930] Rattle?

[931] All right, we're going to move on to something bigger.

[932] I would like you to set up the M60 machine gun.

[933] Yes, sir.

[934] Trapon, unfold!

[935] Please cock it.

[936] Uh, yes, sir.

[937] Cock.

[938] What did you say to me, Sergeant Mobsessian?

[939] I'm so sorry.

[940] Look in my eyes.

[941] That's two strikes.

[942] You get one more chance at this.

[943] Please fire multiple rounds of this machine gun.

[944] Oh, yes, sir.

[945] Repeat fire shoot, rapid fire shoot, repeat fire shoot, repeat fire shoot, repeat fire shoot.

[946] All right, Sergeant, oh no, incoming fire!

[947] Oh, no!

[948] Artillery!

[949] I'm getting down!

[950] Sergeant, Sergeant, I'm hit, can't you hear the blood geysering out of my veins?

[951] I can.

[952] Yeah, oh, flu, spill.

[953] Oh, I'm not well.

[954] I am not well.

[955] It sounds really bad.

[956] Pumpa, pumpa spill, pumpa spiel.

[957] You said geysering, and it sounds like it's just dribbling out.

[958] Yeah, that seems weird, right?

[959] Let me listen again.

[960] Pissure poor, pressure poor.

[961] That's more like it.

[962] Yeah, pressure pour.

[963] Fultin.

[964] Oh, my God, let me get a bandage and wrap that up for you, sir.

[965] Rip.

[966] Big out.

[967] You took my heart out.

[968] Why are you doing that?

[969] It's the bandage, you idiot.

[970] Oh, my God, did you hear that?

[971] I'm a talking bandage.

[972] Wait, what?

[973] What?

[974] What just happened?

[975] A new advanced bandage that can talk.

[976] Wow.

[977] It has a small chip.

[978] We're made by Google.

[979] All right, what should I do now, Colonel?

[980] Just stitch me up, and then we got to do this quick because we need to call in an airstrike on the radio.

[981] So could you dial up the home headquarters?

[982] Yes, sir.

[983] Rote to return.

[984] Rote to return.

[985] GR, grr, answer?

[986] Answer.

[987] Is there anybody there?

[988] Headquarters, headquarters.

[989] This is Delta 9 calling Delta 9 to headquarters.

[990] Voice, voice, voice.

[991] That's them all right.

[992] Voice, otherwise it wouldn't be a voice.

[993] Voice, voice, voice.

[994] All right, we'd like you to send in some napalm at my coordinates.

[995] Niner, Niner, Delta, Niner.

[996] I don't have a lot of confidence in Sarah Stry.

[997] Noor's open.

[998] It's a weak sounding bomb.

[999] Oh, no, it's headed right for us.

[1000] It's swollen death of one of you.

[1001] Can it be me, please?

[1002] No, no, no. I'll take it.

[1003] I'll take one for the team.

[1004] I'll take one for the team.

[1005] Come on, rock scissors paper.

[1006] Small settling one dead of a lot.

[1007] We need you.

[1008] Okay.

[1009] Rocks is one, two, three.

[1010] Oh, shoot.

[1011] Scissors, scissors.

[1012] What a scissors?

[1013] sound like anyway.

[1014] Snipper, snippa, snip a cut.

[1015] That's right.

[1016] Snip a cut.

[1017] Okay, one, two, three.

[1018] I get to die.

[1019] God, you're so lucky.

[1020] I can hear your last breath coming out of your mouth.

[1021] Exhale.

[1022] Spirit.

[1023] Go to hell.

[1024] What the fuck?

[1025] You shop with me. Come on, man. And...

[1026] Rinching it on previous episode.

[1027] Let's see.

[1028] Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam O 'Sessian, and Matt Goorley.

[1029] Produced by me, Matt Goorley.

[1030] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Koko, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf.

[1031] Theme song by The White Stripes.

[1032] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

[1033] Take it away, Jimmy.

[1034] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

[1035] Engineering by Will Bechton.

[1036] Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.

[1037] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

[1038] Got a question for Conan?

[1039] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.

[1040] It too could be featured on a future episode.

[1041] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

[1042] This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.