Consequences That Work & Build Trust, Not Shame

[0] Hey, moms, we talk on the podcast all the time about making self -care a priority because when you're tired and you don't feel like yourself, it's hard to be that calm mom you want to be.

[1] That's why I'm excited to introduce Happy Mammoth, creators of all natural products such as hormone harmony.

[2] Hormone harmony contains science -backed herbal extracts called adaptogens.

[3] Adaptogens help the body adapt to any stressors like chaotic, hormonal changes that happen naturally throughout a woman's life.

[4] Hormone harmony is for any woman with symptoms of hormonal changes, such as poor sleep and racing thoughts, even night sweats and feeling tired all the time.

[5] I feel like myself again.

[6] That's what women say over and over again in reviews of hormone harmony.

[7] It's time to feel like yourself again, moms.

[8] For a limited time, you can get 15 % off on your entire first order.

[9] at HappyMammoth .com with the code Calm at checkout.

[10] That's HappyMammoth .com with the code Calm.

[11] So if you follow us on Instagram, you'll notice that all of our videos are filmed from Mountain Peaks we've hiked.

[12] And what powers me is my AG1.

[13] For years, I've enjoyed the same morning routine.

[14] I mix one scoop of AG1 with water, shake it.

[15] And the first thing I put in my body is 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiose, and whole food sourced ingredients.

[16] Check out a special offer at drinkag1 .com slash calm.

[17] AG1 lets you build a healthy daily habit that takes less than one minute and promotes gut health, supports immunity, and boosts energy.

[18] AG1 is a supplement I trust to provide the support my body needs daily.

[19] And that's why I'm excited that AG1 continues to be our partner.

[20] If you want to take ownership of your health, it starts with.

[21] with AG1.

[22] Try AG1 and get a free one -year supply of vitamin D3 and K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1 .com slash calm.

[23] That's drinkag1 .com slash calm.

[24] Check it out.

[25] So a kid sneaks his computer into his bed after he's supposed to be going to sleep and the next morning you walk in to wake him up and the videos are still playing.

[26] So your child is busted.

[27] How are you going to respond to that?

[28] Now look, it would be perfectly fine to simply, firmly, and quietly, just take away screen privileges.

[29] Nothing wrong with that at all.

[30] And we go through 15 other ways to discipline kids in the discipline program to get kids off screens and the stop screen fights programs.

[31] That's on the Calm Parenting Package.

[32] By the way, that would be a fantastic Valentine's gift to give to each other as a couple, to finally get on the same page.

[33] So one parent isn't accused of coddling the child being too soft and the other one's not being too mean.

[34] You actually do the grown -up thing.

[35] You get on the same page and you eliminate a lot of stress in your home.

[36] And your kids know exactly what to expect and stop playing you off against each other.

[37] So if you're interested in that, go to our website, celebrate calm .com.

[38] Look up the little Valentine's Day sale.

[39] If you need help with anything, reach out to Casey, C -A -S -E -Y.

[40] at celebrate calm .com, because that's our son who did all these things that your kids did and worse.

[41] Tell us about your family.

[42] We're here to help you.

[43] So let's look at one specific way I'd really like to handle this.

[44] And I like breaking these things down and doing maybe a new strategy every time, right?

[45] I could come up with 10 different ways to handle this.

[46] But here's some perspective.

[47] Number one, this is absolutely normal behavior for a child.

[48] let's start being realistic and grown up about this right and about our expectations i expect kids to do stuff like this seriously it would be weird if your kids never push the limits or never tried to get away with things so don't take it as some personal offense and they're being defiant yes it's wrong nothing wrong with calling that at that but don't get outrage and so upset about this he's just doing what a kid does, right?

[49] Remember, many of you grew up like I did watching Leave It to Beaver.

[50] It was a show about a kid who did dumb stuff every single episode and got in trouble for it.

[51] And you know why that show was popular?

[52] Because it reflected reality of what we did as kids.

[53] So, yes, you can be frustrated by it, but you can also smile a little bit inside knowing, good try, son, but next time, turn the movie off and hide the computer.

[54] Look, I want you.

[55] you to know, I'm on the back end of this, right?

[56] Casey's 28.

[57] We've worked with 1 ,500 kids.

[58] I'm now 55 years old.

[59] I've worked with a million families, so I've got a lot of perspective.

[60] Every episode of discipline is not some life or death struggle for your child's soul, right?

[61] When they're little, you're like, oh, we better do this right, or else he's going to grow up and be a sociopath.

[62] No, he's not unless you're a sociopath.

[63] Right?

[64] So the more drama you create, more defensive your child will get, and the more they will begin to lie and sneak around to avoid you overreacting and making everything so heavy.

[65] Number two, always look for clues beneath the surface.

[66] Now, in this case, it's a bit of a reach, but this could be a clue that something else is going on.

[67] So maybe your son, your daughter has trouble falling asleep because, you know, their minds run a lot, or maybe your child's anxious.

[68] So he uses the movies, the videos, as a distraction to fall asleep.

[69] And apparently it worked really well because he fell asleep without turning off the video.

[70] It doesn't excuse what he did, but if you react, you may miss something instructive.

[71] Right.

[72] We've worked with families where the kids wake up in the middle of night and they steal stuff, food, take it to their rooms.

[73] Right?

[74] And some of it is, it's stimulation.

[75] they love the strategy they're bored they love the strategy of thinking how can i get away with this how can i get down there in the middle of the night without waking my parents up and then there's a certain amount of stimulation fun from getting something you're not supposed to have and eating it in the middle of the night so again you discipline a number of different ways but if we in that case if i find a way to stimulate that child's brain and challenge them in other ways like having them start their own little business and they earn give them a goal of like if you reach X number of dollars I will match the amount that you give to charity and I'll match a percentage that you want to use to save or invest see you're all it's all about not just reacting to outward behavior it's about meeting internal needs that's a very different approach and that's what we teach you so number three when you react in the moment you miss opportunities.

[76] See, we as parents get so hell bent on disciplining and making sure he knows what he did was wrong that we miss on opportunities, right?

[77] Because we want him to know he did something wrong, want him to own up to it, we want him to admit that he won't do it again and we want him to apologize.

[78] And there's nothing wrong with that.

[79] But confronting your child in the moment usually leads to a defensive posture and more lies and usually it leads to shame.

[80] And that's why learning to control yourself and stop talking so much is so important.

[81] Didn't mean to shame you there, but I need you to stop talking so much.

[82] So number four, we do not want to give in to kids or let them get away with things.

[83] Absolutely not.

[84] We want to address issues in a way that leads to contrition, problem solving, and giving them tools to make better choices that actually benefit themselves.

[85] I'll do that in a separate podcast.

[86] but we have this us against them kind of mentality during a discipline.

[87] And really it's, no, I'm on your side.

[88] This is a gift I am giving you so that you don't keep making choices that bring harsh consequences on yourself.

[89] Right.

[90] And so for most of us, number five, let's think, what is our usual reaction?

[91] I was talking to what at it.

[92] He was like, my old reaction would have been anger at his disobedience.

[93] And what, think about this.

[94] That kid when he wakes up, knows he gets by.

[95] Guess what he's expecting?

[96] Anger, disappointment, a lecture, confrontation.

[97] But instead, the dad who I was talking to said this, I made a tough choice.

[98] He ignored the computer and he just went about doing the morning routine with his son.

[99] And here's what happened next.

[100] Number six.

[101] On the ride to school, his son actually confessed.

[102] He talked.

[103] He talked.

[104] hold his mom and dad what he did.

[105] Bingo, that's what we're looking for.

[106] See, you gave him space that led to contrition rather than a confrontation.

[107] When you give a child space to wrestle with these things themselves, they will often come back to you and own it.

[108] But when you hover over them, just demanding an apology, it usually backfires, right?

[109] So this dad, in this specific situation, gave his son some time instead of jumping on him, instead of disciplining right away.

[110] Because we have this thing of like, we have to discipline right away.

[111] Well, sure, I want you to discipline promptly, but not right away all the time.

[112] Because I want to give our kids time and space to reflect.

[113] And I want the contrition instead of the shame.

[114] See, when you create a defensive response, you're not having conversation anymore.

[115] You're not going for problem solving.

[116] You're not even teaching anymore.

[117] You're just having a confrontation and you're shaming your child.

[118] So number seven, I kind of mentioned this before.

[119] Discipline in many homes feel so heavy, right?

[120] Like this me against my child confrontation.

[121] And that's why your child resists, lies, and shuts down.

[122] In reality, discipline is something you do for your child.

[123] You're not taking it personally.

[124] it's not all about you it's not how their behavior affects you you're helping your child you're coming alongside saying you keep making this choice that actually hurts you and i know you don't want to do it because you know it's wrong so i'm going to give you some tools so you don't have to do that next time see it's a gift that you give your child number eight and here's what i want to try i want you to try this week see after everybody was all settled down after the son had confessed.

[125] Now the dad, the mom, they're able to say this, look, I'm not mad at you, but you know you broke the rules.

[126] So, I'm curious, what do you think an appropriate consequence should be for that?

[127] See, you're teaching, you're showing, you're having a dialogue, right?

[128] What do you think your consequence should be?

[129] Right?

[130] It's giving the child some ownership.

[131] It's instead of just imposing things, nothing wrong with that, you're the authority figure you can, but now I'm teaching him and I'm giving him some space here to actually reflect on, hey, how serious was that?

[132] What did I do wrong?

[133] And how can I do it differently next time?

[134] Now, your child's like, a consequence should be you buy me pizza.

[135] Well, then you forge ahead with your own.

[136] But in my experience with Strongwell kids, when you give them some space to own their choices, when you create an atmosphere of trust instead of an interrogation, they often express contrition, own their mistakes, and sometimes they even give themselves worse or harsher consequences than you would have.

[137] See, the consequence isn't the goal.

[138] It's a change in heart.

[139] It's teaching them how to make better choices, and it's building trust.

[140] And that leads to point number nine, the big opportunity.

[141] I should have 10 points, shouldn't I?

[142] But I'm just going to do nine.

[143] So that'll irritate some of you.

[144] Why couldn't you just do 10?

[145] Right?

[146] That gives me order and structure.

[147] That's because you have control issues and you need to work on your perfectionism.

[148] So I'm sticking to nine.

[149] So here's the big opportunity to turn what is usually a shaming event filled with drama with two people against each other into a bonding moment in which you teach your child, you draw closer.

[150] And you show your child that he can.

[151] trust you no matter what he does wrong no matter what he faces in childhood in the teen years he can trust you because you can handle him at his worst you can handle conflict in a positive way right let's see if we can do that in our marriage right that's partly why we're including for the valentine's day we're including the marriage program that we did free with the calm parenting package because it's critically important.

[152] And if you're already divorced, you're a single parent.

[153] Definitely go through that program.

[154] So you can learn all of the skills that you need so you don't repeat the same issues, the same mistakes the next time you're in a relationship.

[155] Right?

[156] It's not about changing your spouse.

[157] It's about changing yourself and dealing with your own issues and learning how to have hard conversations.

[158] Look, it's having hard conversations that lead to something constructive instead of destructive.

[159] And that's what we want to do with your kids, with your friends, with your spouse, right, with everyone.

[160] See, that's what we want.

[161] So let's work on that this week.

[162] If we can help you, reach out to our son Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, celebrate -com.

[163] Go to celebrate calm .com.

[164] You will see that special there.

[165] If you need help financially, reach out to us and ask us for help.

[166] That's what we're here for.

[167] Love you all, and we'll talk to you soon.

[168] Thanks for sharing the podcast as well.

[169] Bye -bye.

[170] Thank you.