Kate Beckinsale

[0] Welcome, welcome, welcome to armchair expert.

[1] I'm Dan Shepard, and I'm joined by Mr. Mouse.

[2] We're not together.

[3] We're over a thousand miles apart.

[4] And you drove there yourself in your big, big, big tour bus.

[5] And big brown.

[6] Yes.

[7] And so as a disclaimer about this episode, we were knocked in the fucking dirt by Kate Beck and cell.

[8] Is that fair to say?

[9] What's that mean?

[10] We were bulled over.

[11] Oh, yeah.

[12] Oh, my God.

[13] She was so...

[14] shockingly, fun, smart, funny, beautiful.

[15] I mean, all these are things that's, I can't even talk about it.

[16] I'm flummoxed.

[17] Yeah, it was pretty overwhelming.

[18] Fucking went to Oxford, you know?

[19] Yeah.

[20] Bonafide genie.

[21] Okay, well, you know her from the underworld series in Van Helsling, serendipity, which I forgot about and stepped in it a little bit as you'll hear.

[22] No, you didn't step in it.

[23] You had the most amazing ding, ding, ding of all time.

[24] Well, that's true.

[25] When you don't know what's going on, it's fun.

[26] Yeah, yeah, it was fun for you two because you both knew she was in serendipity.

[27] Anyways, and of course, Pearl Harbor.

[28] She has a new movie called Jolt where she plays the most kick -ass bouncer with a slightly murderous anger management problem.

[29] As we talked about, she basically got to play my dream role of someone who snaps all the time and handles their business physically.

[30] Yeah, you love that.

[31] So it's streaming on Amazon.

[32] Please enjoy Kate Beckinsale.

[33] Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now.

[34] Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

[35] Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts.

[36] He's an armchair expert.

[37] Okay, so sit there by the microphone.

[38] Have you ever done a podcast?

[39] First of all, never done a podcast.

[40] Have you ever listened to one?

[41] Yes, usually if it's involving murder.

[42] I have this to yours.

[43] Oh, you have.

[44] I just wanted to check out what the fuck was going.

[45] What the fuck?

[46] It didn't live up to the hype, did it?

[47] No, it was really, it was very pleasant.

[48] Who did you listen to?

[49] I did a few Prince Harry, see what you did with him.

[50] You have to as a Brit.

[51] Have to?

[52] Yeah.

[53] I doubt you listen to that one to the end, but at the end I laid up this thing where I work with a British dude and he's super smart and we're generally on the same page.

[54] Right.

[55] And his reaction to the Oprah interview was so different than the, like what mine was.

[56] Which I couldn't put my finger on because we're kind of simpatico.

[57] And then I realized, like, you can't underestimate patriotism.

[58] It's weird.

[59] My family were all Trotsky, so we weren't really like buying the tea towels on the royal wedding.

[60] You know, we were like selling socialist newspapers on street corner.

[61] You was a kid, right?

[62] You were peddling.

[63] Not me, I mean, occasionally me, but we had sort of minors showing up at our door and the royal family really weren't a thing for us.

[64] However, it still sort of lives in you because you're from England.

[65] But the funny thing is about that interview is I feel like on a Monday you can watch it and be like, oh my God, the most sympathetic effort.

[66] On a Tuesday, you could be like shady.

[67] Depending on how you feel.

[68] Depending on how you feel like, we don't know any of these people.

[69] Like, I don't know anyone involved.

[70] How do I have to have an opinion?

[71] The thing I'm taking home mostly is the older I get, I shouldn't presume to have an opinion about anything.

[72] Even things that have happened to me in my own life Because there's always like somebody else's perspective.

[73] Yeah.

[74] You know what I mean?

[75] I totally agree with you.

[76] And as I get older, I trust my perspective less and less and less.

[77] Yeah, truly, we're so fallible.

[78] I miss that kind of absolutely no, there's one side to this situation.

[79] Only vibe I had in my 20s.

[80] Because now I'm just kind of like, yeah, I have no idea about everything.

[81] And nor does anyone.

[82] And I feel a certain way politically.

[83] But then if you happen to try not to be in an echo chamber and watch the other side of it, you can go, I see where that could be persuasive.

[84] I'm not persuaded, but I can see it.

[85] I totally get it.

[86] So that's a bit disconcerting as well.

[87] Yes, totally.

[88] So we've just become kind of more woolly and nervous, I suppose.

[89] But, okay, I found your childhood to be very, very interesting.

[90] So did I. Almost spy novel -esque.

[91] We start with the fact that both your parents were actors, which is novel in itself.

[92] And they supported you and themselves through that.

[93] Yeah?

[94] What?

[95] They made a living?

[96] Yes.

[97] Oh, absolutely.

[98] That's the rarest of the rare.

[99] Yeah, totally, yeah.

[100] Absolutely.

[101] Yeah, your father in particular was quite popular, yeah.

[102] My father was really, really well -known in England and really beloved and still is.

[103] Had that kind of magical thing that made old grandmas love him and everybody have a crush on him and men want to be his friend.

[104] He just had that.

[105] I don't have that, actually.

[106] I can be fairly polarizing.

[107] But they loved him.

[108] Let's earmark your polarizing this for later.

[109] But, I mean, so fucking young.

[110] Her dad died at 31 of a hot.

[111] That is...

[112] It's a miracle to me that he could have even been that well -known at 31.

[113] Me too.

[114] When you think now, like, how could he have even been known yet?

[115] I know.

[116] And not only that, but like indelibly imprinted on everybody's kind of consciousness for, I mean, he continues to be, I think, far more famous than I am in England.

[117] Oh, really?

[118] Yeah, because his shows are constantly repeated.

[119] It's like he was in taxi and then three other things like taxi.

[120] Right.

[121] So they were the really big.

[122] He's like the Ted Danson.

[123] Yeah, except he was also just like young and naive and very handsome and, you know, like he was.

[124] Brad Pitt type?

[125] Yeah, but funny and sort of...

[126] Affable, all the stuff.

[127] Thank God I wasn't a boy.

[128] I never been able to leave me. Yeah.

[129] Was he a tall gentleman?

[130] Yeah, he was tall, really super handsome, really great guy.

[131] Those people die, I suppose.

[132] They just leave the...

[133] Well, and in some weird way, I feel less bad about that, if I'm being honest.

[134] No. Oh, because you just had a nice life.

[135] Well, like, if I died, no one should weep.

[136] I've already had like 20 times as good of a life as a human should have them.

[137] planet Earth, like an inappropriate amount of attention, whatever, approval.

[138] Yeah.

[139] Like, don't cry for me, you know.

[140] I will, anyway.

[141] Go do it today.

[142] We'll schedule it.

[143] By the way, you're a new species for me because I've never run into you.

[144] I've never seen you in real life.

[145] No, but probably I wasn't ever going out when you were because I have a 22 -year -old.

[146] So I was home until about four years ago.

[147] Right.

[148] And you probably were out, and now you're not.

[149] Yeah, that's pretty accurate.

[150] I think we probably missed each other there.

[151] So you're much taller than I was expecting.

[152] And I imagine that's something we might have in common.

[153] When people meet you, they're like, oh, you're so much taller.

[154] Yeah.

[155] For some reason, I get trolled constantly for being like five feet tall.

[156] Which is odd.

[157] I've never said I was five.

[158] I've never ever crossed my mind that I was a really short tiny person.

[159] But that's what people.

[160] That's what you come across?

[161] Yeah, which I find really weird.

[162] I feel I've got hands like the size of LeBron.

[163] I just, if anything, feel like this kind of giant, kind of haggard, creature coming in.

[164] So anytime I take a picture with anyone, they're like, well, you're clearly standing on a box.

[165] Oh.

[166] Wow.

[167] I'm actually just not.

[168] Like, I'm five feet eight.

[169] I'm not making, I mean, that's not that tall, but it's, it's pretty tall.

[170] It's tall.

[171] When you put a heel on, you're seven feet tall, but like, it's, it's not crazy tall.

[172] It's not crazy short, but I do get trolled for it a lot.

[173] Yeah.

[174] What a weird thing that people do.

[175] Yeah, everyone was quite upset.

[176] I was taller than Vendiz all the other day, but I did have, you know.

[177] Well, that's, now you're You're kind of, you're mixing up a lot of different issues.

[178] How tall is he?

[179] Well, I think people want, like, he's their god.

[180] Yeah, they want him.

[181] It's kind of like when you're a kid and you grow up and you're like, you love Sylvester Stallone, he's rocky.

[182] And then you come to find out, oh, he's not inordinately tall.

[183] Yeah.

[184] And he also isn't five feet tall.

[185] Like, it's not like, I'm not now making a hole.

[186] I'm not like, exploding him.

[187] No, he's like a normal size dude.

[188] Yes, no one has a problem here.

[189] There's no pathology in the height.

[190] There's no secret.

[191] No, but at the same time, I think the fans of, Vin Diesel.

[192] They want him to be like six, three or something.

[193] But it's so patriarchal.

[194] Of course.

[195] Both.

[196] Yeah.

[197] But they want you to be tiny and they want him to be huge.

[198] And they want me to not only be tiny, but to be like pissed about the fact that I'm tiny.

[199] I know, like, Monica's doing just fine at five feet tall and so is Kristen.

[200] I have anything.

[201] I think it's an advantage.

[202] Oh, sure.

[203] You know, scuttle away quicker.

[204] Well, sure, you can scamper.

[205] Yeah.

[206] I can't scamper.

[207] We had a whole thing the other day with my friend, who can wear a little dress.

[208] Because if you're little and you wear a little dress, it's not like a big day.

[209] If I wear a big dress, I feel like, I mean, I've sort of arrived.

[210] Right, like you're on your way to a ball.

[211] Yeah.

[212] It's too much.

[213] It's too much.

[214] Yeah.

[215] Making a big deal.

[216] We're like, you're already 5 '8.

[217] Just kind of put some jeans on.

[218] Or a silk kimono or whatever.

[219] Exactly, whatever.

[220] What is that?

[221] What are you wearing?

[222] It's the closest thing I could get to pajamas.

[223] Yeah, it's like a silk pajama item.

[224] Thank you.

[225] Yeah.

[226] It's a distracting outfit.

[227] Is it?

[228] Yes.

[229] In a wonderful.

[230] way.

[231] There's like a lot going on.

[232] You've got some kind of, there's an Asian flair to the top.

[233] We would agree with that.

[234] I'm partially, I have a small amount of Asian.

[235] That's right.

[236] You're a bit Burmese.

[237] Now your father was a bit Burmese.

[238] My father was slightly more Burmese even than I am.

[239] His dad was Burmese.

[240] So I do have some of those.

[241] First of all, no one believes me about it until they see my baby pictures in which I look like an actual male middle -aged Chinese man. Okay, sure.

[242] And really do look like that.

[243] So then it's like, oh my goodness.

[244] But I get all the things that Asian people get, like the keloiding and can't really drink alcohol.

[245] Oh, oh, you get the, you have the enzyme where you're, you get red if you drink alcohol?

[246] I don't even get right.

[247] I just hate, it hates me on so many levels.

[248] I just don't even.

[249] Yeah, let's get right into that.

[250] This, this is so peculiar about you.

[251] Your claim is that you've never been drunk.

[252] Okay, I did un -gay pride have three hordes for a glass of champagne in Craigs and feel a bit tired once, but that's it.

[253] Okay, so you've gotten drowsy.

[254] Drowsy.

[255] I've never been like sick or anything.

[256] I've never like, yeah, but have you felt inebriated?

[257] Yeah, not normal.

[258] Three steps in, I feel like that.

[259] So then I stop.

[260] Oh, so you feel a little disinhibited.

[261] No, I feel really tired.

[262] My legs feel weird.

[263] Okay.

[264] I panic and I'm having a stroke and then I stop.

[265] Oh, wow.

[266] Like, it's not for me. That sounds really pleasurable.

[267] Yeah, it's not for me. Yeah.

[268] Did you feel like you were missing out when you were younger?

[269] No. I don't think I'm inhibited in that kind of.

[270] You don't need that lubricate.

[271] I don't.

[272] And because also, I've never had it.

[273] I don't have that thing about, wow, this would be so much easier if I was a little bit buzzed because I just never really had it.

[274] Right.

[275] But also, it was tiresome because if you don't drink, especially when I was at Oxford and I was 18, everybody makes a massive deal out of it and that everyone's kind of purpose in life is to make sure you get drunk and shit yourself.

[276] Oh, okay.

[277] You know what I mean?

[278] Which I actually didn't, but it became like I was having to kind of pour drinks in plant pots and things to get out of it.

[279] How pumped are you?

[280] About what?

[281] Well, we're unifiles.

[282] We're unifiles.

[283] We don't know why either, but we are.

[284] We love like Stanford and Harvard.

[285] Oh, oh, really?

[286] I mean, Oxford is the pinnacle.

[287] Are you guys?

[288] No, we didn't know it.

[289] No, I went to UCLA and she went to Georgia.

[290] It's not that.

[291] They're good.

[292] They're good, but they're not Oxford City.

[293] UCLA's much better than Georgia.

[294] No, no. He's just upset because I graduated Summa Cummali and he didn't.

[295] And so he liked to make.

[296] If I had gone to Georgia, I could have been the Vell Victorian.

[297] Oh, my God.

[298] Sorry that we made you wait into our feud.

[299] No, I love it.

[300] It's so fascinating.

[301] But, yeah, we are very impressed by fancy schools.

[302] Which is weird because we also are very critical of status by all measures.

[303] That's what I'm saying.

[304] You can be all the things at the same time.

[305] You're right.

[306] You know, you can support.

[307] Mix messages.

[308] Megan and Harry at the same time as going, don't want to go on holiday with them.

[309] Oh, but I do.

[310] But I'm not saying I don't, but I'm saying, you know, one can.

[311] occupy both of those positions at the same time.

[312] Yeah, I'm super critical of the concept of a monarchy.

[313] I've railed on it on here a million times.

[314] It's preposterous, but I loved him.

[315] Yeah, and if he wants to invite me to one of those manners, I would go.

[316] Would you shoot a pheasant?

[317] I mean, I draw the line on shooting.

[318] I don't want to, but I'll fire in the air and act like I'm a bad shot.

[319] No, you would not.

[320] Oh, you think it would be too much for my pride to be a bad shot?

[321] You would suddenly get very masked and have to kill everything.

[322] No, because even as a. boy, as much as what you saw walking in, that I have some masculine pursuits.

[323] It's kind of like, are you trying to cover something?

[324] Yes.

[325] I really was like, what is happening here?

[326] Yeah, that's a lot of effort to look masculine, right?

[327] Yeah.

[328] We're referring to the fact that I was packing a trailer that has three motorcycles, a quad, and a razor on it, and I'm still trying to get more motorized vehicles on it before we go.

[329] But, no, I always diverged from boys at this point when they would get a turtle and then they'd get a rock and they'd start and they would go crazy and I always hated it I hated hated hated it yeah little boys torture animals oh it's terrible especially serial killer boys yeah I would say maybe exclusively well we all know that that they like to torture animals but I got to tell you where I grew up that would open up the pool to serial killers to the thousands well because people like to put things inside a fish and watch the fish explode and things like that yeah they put like M80s in fish's mouth these kids they found this turtle and they put it on the railroad tracks and I hate it and they all stayed and watched and I split.

[330] Meanwhile, me and Alex bonded over the fact that when we were kids and we were given a chocolate bunny at Easter, even though we are immensely greedy, we wouldn't eat it because we've had empathy feelings for the bunny.

[331] So that's the other side.

[332] Both of us, yeah.

[333] It would sit there and eventually go white after seven years.

[334] Are you vegetarian?

[335] I'm not anymore.

[336] I was, but I kept fainting.

[337] Yeah.

[338] Yeah.

[339] That'll do it.

[340] Yeah, that'll make you question.

[341] Who's got time to feign all over the place?

[342] I did have, but I don't anymore.

[343] But if you were scared, when you took three sips of champagne and your legs felt weird and you thought you were going to have a stroke, I can imagine you just being scared all the time that you were going to faint and you're probably had some hypochondon.

[344] I'm a little bit of that and also just sort of generally a bit of a tuning fork.

[345] I'm sort of like those cows that go, I'm going to lie down because there's a thunderstorm.

[346] I'm like that person, but with everything.

[347] Okay, back to your parents.

[348] Go ahead.

[349] Wait, how old were you in your?

[350] dad died.

[351] Five.

[352] Okay.

[353] Yeah.

[354] So it's interesting because I'm sure for you, there's probably tons of memories associated with that.

[355] Tons.

[356] Yet we both have children.

[357] And if I asked my six -year -old what happened last year, she'd have nothing.

[358] Like, I'm always shocked with how shitty their memories are.

[359] Except I think when there's a cataclysmic event, it puts everything into a real sharp focus.

[360] It, like locks it into a, I think so.

[361] It seems like this would be really easy to happen.

[362] My father didn't die but they got divorced and I just made him the villain in the story like he was the villain because he was single and my mom raised us as I'm getting older I'm realizing he wasn't and everyone was fucked up parenting's a long game it is and so I just wonder if like a parent dies when you're five it could be really easy to create a character of them that was like perfect well especially because I don't keep bringing up prince Harry but I remember when their mother died I was in New York and seeing them in the context of other people sort of grieving for somebody they didn't know but that it was a and I thought oh my god I really know what that feels like like theirs was on a much much bigger scale yeah yeah people were standing in the street with the evening paper sobbing I remember driving around with people seeing like when my dad died and that was quite weird and did people feel entitled as well to like console you or your mother when you were out or bring it up a lot well no people would talk about how terrible they felt that they had lost Boston, but then say you probably don't remember anything to you because you were a child.

[363] And that would really upset me as a child.

[364] I found that really difficult.

[365] But then the person you're sharing it with is saying you have less right to this thing I do.

[366] It was really odd.

[367] I found that difficult.

[368] As I'm older, I don't obviously get offended by it so much.

[369] And there is something incredibly special and comforting about how much other people loved him.

[370] Sort of the longer it goes on lovely.

[371] Yeah.

[372] It was hard at the very, very beginning because it did feel like you were having this very personal horrible crisis and so was everybody else but you didn't know them that felt a bit weird yeah well I would feel like I don't want to share this with people this is so devastating and it's mine but the other thing is you're five so like your father suddenly drops dead and everybody in the world acts like it's a you don't know that that's not normal that's the only thing I've really know like I've never had the experience where my father drops dead and everybody carries on their lives like nothing happened which I think must be also horrendous I doubt there's a great version.

[373] I don't think there's a great version.

[374] No, but to me it's like that was kind of a normal thing.

[375] And then if every time I had to sort of go to camp and give my last name, people would go, are you related to?

[376] And then go into a complete state about it.

[377] Yeah, and did you, this is the thing that would anger me most, is did you feel like all of a sudden you had to console these strangers?

[378] Like, they would get emotional and somehow it was on your shoulders to be, like help them out?

[379] It didn't make be angry, though.

[380] The thing was, my dad died in 1979.

[381] I think John Lennon died in 1980, was it, 80 or 81?

[382] and similar sort of response and I was at a Catholic school at the time so I sort of had my dad, John Lennon and God kind of all conflated in my mind Right, that's interesting Because my dad was also really into like that kind of music Well you said he's a communist No no no that's your step dad Yeah but he was into like Guitar and Beatles and blah My mom was in hair They would sit and sing stuff So I really did have all those things I knew they weren't each other But they were all kind of associated Higher beings Yeah Which I don't hate that as a holy trinity for me. No, no, no, no. It reminds me of this wonderful meme I saw.

[383] It was Jesus with his hands like this.

[384] And he said, God, can you hear me?

[385] It's me, you.

[386] And I was like, yeah, I will not ever grasp that, I don't think.

[387] Okay, back to five.

[388] And then mom remarries at nine.

[389] Yeah.

[390] So the really crappy thing was when my father died, My mom was actually in hospital having this incredibly big surgery to, they wanted another child.

[391] And she had a bunch of scar tissue.

[392] And so she had this eight -hour surgery, though she was kind of cut from hip to hip.

[393] And it was like a three, four week in a hospital thing.

[394] In 79, I'm sure they did it.

[395] It was pretty horrendous.

[396] And anyway, so she went in perfectly healthy and then was obviously in a wheelchair and an estate.

[397] And then right after she had the surgery, my father died while she was still in the hospital.

[398] So she then had to come out three weeks early.

[399] and sort of tell everybody and me and also but be in a wheelchair kind of whacked out and not doing it.

[400] So it was kind of horrific actually and so it was also that period of time where people weren't saying maybe you should have a counselor you just were sent to school the next day like straight away.

[401] Yeah.

[402] So that definitely was a lot.

[403] What role in that did you take?

[404] Did you grow up quickly?

[405] Did you attempt to comfort your mother?

[406] Yeah.

[407] Definitely comfort my mother but also quite worried that everybody else was going to die as well and we didn't have like a massive extended family at the point my mom's parents weren't alive and so it was a weird period of time like shortly after that we had a new house new school I would sort of con the o 'paire into saying I was allowed to bring the cat to school when my mom was at work and you know so I think I was kind of attention seeking in that way of like yeah showing up to school with a cat do you feel like everyone at school like the other kids felt really bad for like that would happen in our school like someone's dad would die and I feel like the worst part was they'd come back and everyone just kind of like looking at them side -eyed.

[408] I remember the next day really well, going back to school and being very slightly late and thinking, thank God, thank God, thank God, no one's going to be able to say anything to me. And sitting down and everyone was, they was going around the class reading.

[409] And I was thinking, oh, my God, I just don't want anyone to mention this.

[410] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[411] Just really embarrassed as well as everything else.

[412] And then this boy who was a friend of mine pushed something across the table at me. And I was like, oh, God.

[413] And it was a bookmark with a prayer on it.

[414] And all I felt was that I wanted to smash his face into the table.

[415] Of course.

[416] Which is so awful because he was being sweet.

[417] But I just kind of remembered that kind of shocking feeling of being like just rage from that.

[418] Everybody was very nice, but it is a weird feeling.

[419] I mean, I worked with this charity called Winston's Wish.

[420] And there's various things here as well that have it that are a real program for kids who've lost a parent.

[421] And apparently it's one of the most common things is this kind of feeling really ashamed of it.

[422] Oh, really?

[423] Because also, I didn't have any.

[424] And nobody else in my family had a parent who died.

[425] Yeah.

[426] It just seemed like a really extra thing that nobody else had.

[427] Yeah.

[428] But then you remained clearly if you got into Oxford, you, like, remained a high achiever.

[429] Were you just ignoring the whole thing?

[430] No, I really fell apart over it, probably about 15.

[431] It took about 10 years for it to really pop out.

[432] I had a rough couple of years then.

[433] You did.

[434] Yeah, but like I said, my family were very kind of supportive of psychoanalysis and all that kind of thing.

[435] So they kind of got me through.

[436] I sort of feel like all of that episode taught me how to kind of critically appreciate literature more than anything Simplism and it was actually kind of kind of intellectually quite a stimulating period of time Did you crave control because like if anything could make you feel completely out of control it would be that this cornerstone of your life disappears so did it have you like searching for control I had a very chaotic childhood and I thought I just liked writing but I have since realized I loved writing because I controlled everything that happened within the world.

[437] And I also loved writing as well.

[438] So, yeah, maybe.

[439] I don't know that I was necessarily consciously looking for that.

[440] Well, right.

[441] I don't think any of us know we are.

[442] But, you know, when somebody feels like they're a control.

[443] I don't feel like a control freak.

[444] I never really felt like a control freak.

[445] Yeah, I don't think you have to parade through life being controlling to be searching.

[446] But like wanting to kind of be the sort of architect of the world that you occupy, I suppose.

[447] Like I had OCD stuff.

[448] I had a bunch of ticks that I developed for a period of time.

[449] which I didn't find out until I was like 40.

[450] Oh, that's you trying to control these little things in an attempt to have some leverage over this very chaotic world.

[451] But also, part of that seems really sensible to me anyway, whether you've forgot a dead parent or not.

[452] Because, like, being alive and in the world is so unbelievably risky and fucked anyway.

[453] It is.

[454] Like, how do people not have ticks and issues?

[455] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[456] Who are those people?

[457] Yeah.

[458] To me, it's kind of like, you're accepting this?

[459] You know, like it's normal?

[460] Because it's not.

[461] This older than me, gentlemen from this AA meeting I've been going to for 17, 18 years, I kind of collect things he says.

[462] He always says, everything's so great.

[463] And he's like, you know, there's all this pressure to not have fear and confront your fear.

[464] Well, the world, this is a scary place.

[465] We hosted the Holocaust after all.

[466] And I was like, what a way to say it.

[467] We host.

[468] On this planet, we hosted the Holocaust.

[469] Yes, it's worth being a little bit afraid of what can happen here.

[470] Yeah.

[471] Yeah.

[472] I mean, I think there's a real fine line between being completely unconscious and also paralyzed.

[473] You're right.

[474] There's a little zone where you're like not naive and it's not destroying you.

[475] Yeah.

[476] It's a very small bandwidth.

[477] It really is.

[478] So my mom remarried and I had an older sister.

[479] And I already knew her.

[480] Like she was a couple grades ahead of me in my elementary and I already had a crush on her.

[481] And now I lived with her.

[482] Wow.

[483] And she was in love with my brother who was five years older than me. It was like a crazy love triangle.

[484] And no one liked the other person, of course, it all stayed above.

[485] bored but I think it's funny that like parents who do this who combine families they're just kind of proceeding with the assumption like well they'll be siblings well no they're just people and now that the strangers in their house and they're attractive like guess what it's not against the law no exactly there's no moral issue here none you know it's just awkward if your children are dating I just also feel like it's going to be hard to keep that attraction when you're like sharing a small bathroom with them and you're at that age And you're immature.

[486] Or it prepares you really well for marriage.

[487] You know what I mean?

[488] Like you just look at it that way.

[489] That's true because there's no getting out.

[490] Yeah.

[491] Like you guys all have to stay here to your 18.

[492] It's like the worst case scenario like dating a co -star.

[493] Yeah.

[494] Which I've never done.

[495] Not once.

[496] No. Apart from, I suppose, in a play once and I got a baby.

[497] Well, hold on.

[498] Machine you met working, right?

[499] Yeah, in a play.

[500] One time, yeah.

[501] Okay, well, we don't count plays as work.

[502] Don't really.

[503] I don't really, because it's not really the same thing.

[504] Well, you're right.

[505] You're not in a bubble as.

[506] much.

[507] Not really.

[508] No, you're sort of having your life and then going to work for a couple of hours the end of the day.

[509] It's not like you're all in Mauritius for three months.

[510] Well, what really will get you and I'm shocked you haven't had one is it's the location.

[511] So you're in fucking Romania and you're lonely and you miss everyone and you're a human and I was with somebody for all those years where you might do that and so I didn't.

[512] Yeah, you're such a serial monogamous because you did like eight years and then what like 15 years or something?

[513] Yeah, yeah.

[514] I'm similarly boring but I had an open relationship for nine of those years so I do have some fun stories yeah so you had sex with the old sibling and went back home yes yes I tracked Heather down once I was on TV and I was like you blew it how about me now I have a bunch of off road vehicles now you're telling me you're still not interested huh so when you went away to Oxford you specifically were interested in Russian literature and one of my big obsessions is dot CF Are you a fan?

[515] Yeah, I was a big fan because I did French and Russian.

[516] Yeah.

[517] It's actually kind of a lot because you're doing language and literature of both.

[518] So you turn up and you realize that your friends who are doing English or whatever have like a tutorial every three weeks and you've got like grammar classes and lessons and speaking and this and also you've got to write they'd say we're doing Dostoevsky and you go, pardon?

[519] Yeah, yeah.

[520] We're doing the whole of Dosteatia your essay is like the whole thing.

[521] And then you have to read it in the language as well.

[522] So you were reading it In Russian.

[523] Yeah.

[524] I mean, it takes longer, though.

[525] Well, fuck, yeah.

[526] Because you're going to stumble across the old thing where you're like, what is this?

[527] I'm to look it up.

[528] So I found it really exhausting.

[529] Actually put me off reading for about four years because I had to do so much of it that the last thing I was going to do in my free time was like I think I'll kick back and read again.

[530] Yes, yes, yes.

[531] And I've always been so passionate about reading that that really threw me after that.

[532] I don't feel like reading, who am I?

[533] It's kind of like when you love a sport and then all of a sudden you're doing it in pursuit of like the next level and all of a sudden it gets muddled.

[534] Or working in a donut shop and then you don't like donuts anymore.

[535] That's right.

[536] It happens to...

[537] Although our friend Jess has been a waiter at Houston's for 22 years.

[538] And he still likes the...

[539] And he fucking loves it.

[540] Really?

[541] He found I was going a couple nights ago.

[542] He's like, I'll come.

[543] That's how good Houston's is.

[544] Yeah, that's the big ad thing.

[545] It's a testament to Houston's.

[546] But I want to ask you this because I don't know that I've met anyone else I could ask this question to.

[547] So what I love about Dotsiefsky and I can't say it, but I love him, is there is like a sociopathy to it.

[548] There is this very detached.

[549] Yeah.

[550] Like, I'm a robot in this human world, and I'm aware of all the things, but I'm not connecting in the way these other people seem to be.

[551] And I, of course, when I was younger, felt that way.

[552] No, it's like the literary equivalent of the Smith.

[553] Yes, what a great.

[554] Well done.

[555] Love the Smith.

[556] So many people identify because it's this kind of isolated, awkward, detached person.

[557] And with this uncanny understanding of how all humans are thinking and operating, yet.

[558] It's almost like a sociopath.

[559] Like, they might be great at empathy.

[560] Like, empathies is like catch -all phrase for positives.

[561] But no, like they say that con artists have the highest level of empathy and sociopaths do.

[562] But I always have wondered, is it him, is that his voice?

[563] Or does something happen when you translate Russian to English?

[564] I think there is a little tiny, because I was really into that too.

[565] That weird, fuzzy, flat thing of a translation, I actually love that.

[566] Me too?

[567] Yeah.

[568] And it's particularly in a Russian rather than like a French.

[569] Yeah.

[570] There is this kind of like, even with like Chekhov or with all of those things, you get this kind of weird vibe that I do think some of it is the translation.

[571] Because also, forget, they've got like millions of verbs of motion.

[572] So they don't say, I'm going.

[573] They say they're specific in every single possible way.

[574] So when the verb is, I'm going, you've already implied whether you're walking, whether you're coming back.

[575] whether you're in a vehicle.

[576] So their language is just different.

[577] Yeah, I imagine that, like, if I were reading it in Russian, it would have more of a passion or a color.

[578] It's slightly hotter, I feel like.

[579] Yeah, yeah.

[580] But when it comes through in English, it's like it's all blue.

[581] But I love that.

[582] Yeah, I dig it.

[583] But the other thing I love about Russia is I went there on a press trip not that long ago, and the guy who picked me up from the airport was like, who's your favorite writer?

[584] And I was like, wow, we don't have, have drivers like that.

[585] No, I haven't come across.

[586] Your opinion on Dickens Very rarely happen I'm sure there are some But this was just like the first guy He was like very passionate about all the I love that Now do you think he was Very savvy No He really wasn't He wasn't No But obviously he found out that I spoke Russian Because I was speaking Russian So he was like Oh holy shit You can still speak Russian I mean especially Will you tell me how ugly I look in Russian Just something No I'll feel stupid Come on Don't force her I'm gonna force her But I do know about Uber has been really good for me practicing because mostly everyone's Armenian or Ukrainian or something, so they tend to speak Russian and so I can have a little practice in there.

[587] And they must be so thrilled.

[588] They're usually quite pleased because they think they assume I'm American.

[589] They definitely don't think any American speak Russian.

[590] Of course.

[591] But I'm going to add, and I said it wasn't going to talk about your looks.

[592] I'm going to talk about your looks.

[593] You get in the back of an Uber car, there's already a fucking tan in the back.

[594] You're like, wow, I don't pick these up often.

[595] This is rare.

[596] Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare.

[597] What's up, guys, this is your girl Kiki, and my podcast is back with a new season.

[598] And let me tell you, it's too good.

[599] And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay?

[600] Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation.

[601] And I don't mean just friends.

[602] I mean the likes of Amy Polar, Kell Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

[603] So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

[604] This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast.

[605] We've all been there.

[606] Turning to the internet to self -diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes.

[607] Though our minds tend to spiral to worst -case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery.

[608] Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started showing jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings.

[609] Hey, listeners, it's Mr. Ballin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

[610] It's called Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries.

[611] Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night.

[612] Follow Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

[613] Prime members can listen early and ad -free on Amazon Music.

[614] I don't want this to come across rude, but you're brilliant.

[615] We've been here for a half hour, and I can tell that.

[616] ever feel like, man, no one gets to know that about me because as an actor, like, you're always playing somebody else.

[617] And we have a general reputation of actors, like, not being, which I don't agree with it.

[618] I don't think it's been a massive advantage in this industry.

[619] I think if I was 30 % less smart, I'd have been a lot happier.

[620] Yeah.

[621] And I think in life anyway, I think I'm sure some therapist at some point has said that to me just in terms of life.

[622] And that's not to be going, oh my god I'm so smart I just think it would be nice to take the brain out and put it in the glass of water occasionally you know what I mean like dentures we've talked about that before too like is life happier for people who yeah is ignorance bliss I think probably a bit I think there's a balance I think when you have a really really bright kid I know if you remember those kids it's quite a very bright kid fucking a mess like miserable and you're like why is that kid so annoying it's always the most annoying kid and it's like oh it's gifted I'm like, oh, poor thing.

[623] I know.

[624] Well, yeah, they're like operating on a different level.

[625] And the only outlets they have are these dumbasses that are picking their noses and, like, drop their lunch.

[626] It must be frustrated.

[627] But you know what I mean?

[628] I don't think it necessarily means it's like, I'm smart and therefore everything's coming to me easy.

[629] The one thing I do think is that I've certainly never been insecure about it.

[630] And given that the assumption, because I'm an actress.

[631] Well, and good looking.

[632] That's another element.

[633] That's not something I've been ever particularly confident about, actually.

[634] So growing up, I was never in any doubt about being smart and being treated as smart.

[635] But growing up, I also looked like a sort of baby walrus.

[636] So I had teeth this big when I was seven.

[637] Let me see your, can you?

[638] Oh, yeah.

[639] A decent size.

[640] But in a seven -year -old head, it's like a Halloween pumpkin.

[641] Like, it took me a minute.

[642] Yeah, they're not inordinately big, but I guess if we make it.

[643] But up until I was about, I don't know, 32, I looked like Matt Damon.

[644] Oh, we love Matt Damon, but as a woman, you don't want to be MacDamon.

[645] He's one of a maskey man. That's Monica's number one.

[646] So she might be willing to.

[647] Oh, that's really good.

[648] The Bullseye didn't do research on that either.

[649] I want you to guess mine now.

[650] Is it a man or a woman?

[651] Who knows?

[652] Because you seem like you'd have boy crushes.

[653] I have the biggest boy crushes.

[654] I could talk to you about Brad Pitt for the next six hours.

[655] Is it Brad Pitt?

[656] Not Jude Law.

[657] I'd had you for more of a boy crushes.

[658] Jude Lord.

[659] Brad Pitt, interesting.

[660] Brad Pitt now or Brad Pitt, Legends of Four.

[661] Fucking every...

[662] Every molecule, every second, every time I think like we've hit peak Brad, then he's in once upon a time and I'm like, oh, he's not as cut as Fight Club, but somehow this is cool.

[663] Yeah, or he's got that kind of really long, weird, greasy hair over his shirt and it still looks cool.

[664] Every haircut he has, I'm like, I got to do that hair.

[665] He does really well with hair.

[666] He doesn't put a foot wrong, really.

[667] For a blonde, the hair is thick.

[668] And also for a blonde, because a blonde man to me is in the sort of general, that's not a serious man. Correct.

[669] You know what I mean?

[670] Yeah, that's a boy.

[671] That's a cupcake.

[672] That's right.

[673] And he's not really that cupcake here at all.

[674] He's got gravitas.

[675] Yeah, he sure does.

[676] Also, his aesthetic, I like people who have a real aesthetic in life.

[677] And he has an aesthetic.

[678] In his clothing, in the motorcycles he buys and cars he likes.

[679] But it's not annoying.

[680] Not at all.

[681] It's not allowed.

[682] You're never going, oh, it's so sad.

[683] He's now 50, and he's wearing a leather jacket that makes him look trendy.

[684] He's never doing that.

[685] It's not like Johnny Depp, what it's like, oh, my God, how much accoutrement are you wearing?

[686] Like, is there a suitcase?

[687] In a restaurant, and he was wearing at least five hats.

[688] One or the other.

[689] I was like, okay, but also respect that you were like, this looks good, and also this looks good.

[690] And actually, I love it.

[691] And you know what?

[692] Fuck it.

[693] I'm going to Craig's.

[694] Yeah, I mean, look, I have different accolates I can give him because I obviously, I think.

[695] I think he's done incredible stuff.

[696] But just pit, just the effortlessness, the physique off the charts, the aesthetic.

[697] His passion is architecture.

[698] I think that's cool.

[699] He doesn't seem arrogant, which is crazy.

[700] Or he's hiding it amazingly well.

[701] And props for that.

[702] Exactly.

[703] That's impressive in its own right.

[704] Have you had any run -ins with him?

[705] Nope.

[706] None.

[707] I mean, award shows.

[708] Award shows.

[709] Who's your Jude Laws for you?

[710] No. Michaels was Jude Law when we were dating, so I always assumed that's it would.

[711] Oh, right.

[712] That's so in keeping with Michael, though.

[713] But Michael was also playing his lover in a movie about Oscar Wild at the time, so he might have got carried away in his head.

[714] Sure, but also, that's on brand for him.

[715] Is it?

[716] Yes.

[717] Michael Sheen?

[718] Because he's like, he's an artistic actor.

[719] I guess I need a big...

[720] You need a big man. Yeah, a big strong man. Now, I'll tell you, Brit, I love.

[721] Is it Tom Hardy?

[722] I do love Tom Hardy.

[723] That's not who I was going to say, though.

[724] That's like a good guy.

[725] I was going to say, Clive Owen.

[726] When I watched Closer, did you see Closer?

[727] Well, funny enough, I workshopped that play before it was even a play with Patrick Marba.

[728] Wow.

[729] And so that part, the Natalie Portman part, was my part that we workshopped, and then I was asked to do it in the West End, at the National.

[730] It was between that or last days of disco, and I was like, which one scares me more because they're both terrifying, so I did last day's disco because it was American.

[731] I hadn't done that before.

[732] Yeah, but I've always felt really connected to that because I was kind of in the sort of gestation of that, Wow, you stumbled upon that.

[733] How cool.

[734] Some serendipity, haven't it?

[735] No, I did not know that.

[736] Oh, my God.

[737] Oh, my God.

[738] You're not the person who left a magnet in my mailbox the other day saying I have gas and I know how to use it, but no note.

[739] Oh, God.

[740] I've got a very strange stalker.

[741] First of all, that would make me very intrigued.

[742] I'm not promoting stalking.

[743] Me neither, but what an interesting take.

[744] Thank you.

[745] Because all we crave is novelty.

[746] Well, last year on my birthday, someone delivered.

[747] a live rabbit to my house, which is why I've had to move, because I was living, like, in a house that was on the street.

[748] Oh, God.

[749] So, ultimately, I get a lot of mail from people in prison and things, and then when they get out, they would bring me a rabbit.

[750] Oh, my gosh.

[751] This is, uh, yeah, makes me scared.

[752] I mean, it was a lovely rabbit, and eventually it became a very beloved pet of my gardener.

[753] Oh, it was alive?

[754] No, a live rabbit with a cage and a list of, like, its name is Marvel and put it in a bunch of hay.

[755] Oh, was that its name Marvel?

[756] Its name what?

[757] It isn't anymore.

[758] But so there's a comic book fan.

[759] Yeah.

[760] It was like a two -year -old rabbit.

[761] Oh, wow.

[762] That's a middle -aged rabbit, I think.

[763] It was in great condition, but it was also a weird thing.

[764] It had been brought in an Uber.

[765] I didn't know.

[766] I was like, where did this come?

[767] Oh, my gosh.

[768] What an interesting life.

[769] So I'll take the fart magnet over.

[770] I mean, even though I love a rabbit, it was a bit upsetting to suddenly get one out of nowhere.

[771] Did you give the fart magnet to your gardener?

[772] It's still in the kitchen.

[773] Okay.

[774] We'll see where that lands over time.

[775] Back to Clive Owen.

[776] And then also back.

[777] to insecurity that she felt secure about being smart, but then...

[778] Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[779] We're going all the way back.

[780] We will definitely go back.

[781] Because we got a whole drop out ahead of us.

[782] You don't even know that, but she dropped out to Oxford.

[783] And we're going to get to that.

[784] Oh, we can't wait.

[785] But Clive Owen.

[786] Yeah, that's a classy, sexy man. Yes, in the silverbackness that he can get to.

[787] Silverback's not my vibe.

[788] Well, look, I looked at your lovers before you arrived.

[789] I'm not saying those are my vibe particularly, but I haven't reached the kind of silverback yeah here's what i said to myself when i was looking at your past lovers this woman would not have liked me like i have to recognize that right away why not i'm not artistic like she and i'm not i haven't quite settled on a type i've gone kind of all over the map yeah okay okay i've really been aiming for a nice doctor my whole life and just yeah right you keep bumping into people in the film and television the music industry yeah yeah yeah i i took a quite long detour into comedians though so that's true that's true you never know that's true you never know that is true i do like a laugh and a dash of mental illness and yeah yeah they kind of go hand -to -hand they're good bedfellows yeah i mean actually a lot of my friend friends are comedians as well so i tend to of the english variety or the american both yeah you know sarah you're close to sarah yeah sarah yeah sarah oh i didn't know My silver back.

[790] Yeah.

[791] We love her.

[792] She is silver back.

[793] Okay, back to Oxford.

[794] So you go to Paris, your third year, to do study abroad.

[795] You're required.

[796] You had to go to Paris or Russia.

[797] I pussyed out.

[798] My boyfriend at Oxford was also studying French.

[799] So it was like, okay, perfect.

[800] We'll go off.

[801] We'll both be doing our thing.

[802] In Paris.

[803] In Paris.

[804] I happened to get super lucky and got offered a French movie for when I was there, which was really lucky.

[805] And it was amazing.

[806] Actually, the D .P. was Darius Conjee, the music guy was Alexandra Displett, all these people who like now win every single award there is.

[807] But it was like this very small movie that was kind of weird.

[808] And because it was such a low budget, they'd have to keep stopping and start it.

[809] It actually took about nine months.

[810] So it was perfect.

[811] And then, well, the thing was, is that my second year of college, a lot of horrible things happened.

[812] So my very best friend who wasn't at university's brother died in a car accident with four of his friends on his 18th birthday.

[813] Right.

[814] So I took out a semester to go home and look after her.

[815] And it was horrible.

[816] I mean, it was five funerals in a week and just everything.

[817] It was so horrible.

[818] So there was that.

[819] And then also in that year, well, that was the end of my first year.

[820] Then my second year, my friend group, as ever, were partying, party.

[821] Sure, sure, sure.

[822] And I wasn't.

[823] So they'd all moved into a house.

[824] Yeah.

[825] To really get it going.

[826] Well, and also very unhipped to stay in the college the second year.

[827] Okay.

[828] I liked that because I could pretend I wasn't home, which is to this day very important to me to be able to pretend.

[829] Because if you're in a house, we'll go, oh, yeah, she's upstairs.

[830] Whereas if it's just a room and a thing, you can lie under the bed and not answer the door.

[831] That was really my...

[832] That is a feeling.

[833] I do need to be by myself a fair bit.

[834] So I wouldn't be good in, like, a group of seven people living in a house.

[835] I would hate it.

[836] Anyway, so they were all there.

[837] I got mono and went home.

[838] This is quite a...

[839] It was a lot happening.

[840] I got mono and went home.

[841] And while I was home, one of my...

[842] dear friends there they were all doing various things and he ended up jumping out the window and dying and all of the other friends were they call it rusticated in oxford which means you're basically expelled for a year and then you come back because drugs were involved i'm assuming yeah yeah yeah so when i was considering going back after paris because everybody else had been kind of delayed nobody was there there was this kind of horrible whiff of death everywhere that was actually the reason I didn't go back.

[843] And I, it was really more of a kind of, I don't want to go back now.

[844] And I went, I took my kid to my college and my tutor was still there, my French tutor.

[845] He was like, you know, you can come back any time.

[846] Oh, really?

[847] And I'm like, oh, you know what?

[848] I actually might do that.

[849] Yeah.

[850] And I remember at the time thinking, it's such a shame that university is at this time of your life when you're thinking, like, who shall I get off with?

[851] And am I a lesbian?

[852] And what posters do I want on my wall and how do you make tea and things like that wouldn't it be better once you've actually lived a bit to go wow really fucking like this you know what i mean and just so i might do that actually okay so you get into much ado about that was in my first summer of oxford i'd done my first year and i was that was my first summer holiday and you did that movie was that yeah so right so you start working and for about five years you stay in london and you're working here and there and you're doing plays and you're doing TV and you're doing movies.

[853] And then you move to Hollywood.

[854] Well, no. That's not right.

[855] Not really.

[856] No. The first American movie I did was this movie Last Days of Disco, where it was that big Sophie's choice between that or closer at the National Theatre.

[857] Yeah.

[858] And I went off and did that.

[859] I was having really, really bad anxiety in my life at that time to the point where I would set myself a task of right, I'm going to leave the hotel and try and walk to the bookstore and then have a panic attack and have to go back to that.

[860] Like, it was really...

[861] So the thought of going out and being and doing a movie on my own was so scary because I had such terrible panic attacks at the time.

[862] And during that movie kind of got over.

[863] It was that thing of kind of leaning into recoveries in the things that you're frightened of type thing.

[864] You know, where I was like, okay, did the maximum thing.

[865] I went far from home.

[866] I was with Michael at the time.

[867] He couldn't come.

[868] He was doing Henry V. And my mom wasn't able to come out, my friends.

[869] And I really blossomed.

[870] And I immediately after that got a movie that was in Manila in the Philippines and had no problem.

[871] And suddenly was like, oh, okay, I'm off from running now.

[872] Because I'd really had this for a few years And then got back from Manila And I'm instantly got pregnant Oh really?

[873] Yeah So that kind of changed things a bit Because I just did my first kind of big studio movie Which was this movie with Claire Daines This broke down palace Yes And then immediately it was pregnant Like super young And then Was just kind of massive Yeah yeah As happens when one gets pregnant Yeah When you grow a human in you Yeah And couldn't fathom ever work I couldn't How do people do this?

[874] I mean, I couldn't even remember.

[875] After I had the baby, I remember thinking, are people allowed?

[876] Are you allowed to bring a stroller into a store?

[877] I can't remember if I've ever seen.

[878] You know, when you've got that kind of baby brain, where you think I don't know what's.

[879] So there was that.

[880] And then Michael went off to do Amadeus on Broadway, sort of against my wishes, because it was kind of, I just had a baby.

[881] And I didn't if I can really, do I want to move to New York?

[882] I don't know anyone, really.

[883] And then also your partner is going to be very distracted by this thing.

[884] So you're basically going to be by yourself, the baby in a rental.

[885] And your mom's not anymore in the same.

[886] And how old were you?

[887] 24 -ish.

[888] Oh, my goodness.

[889] So we got out there and Michael hadn't quite got it together to find anywhere for us to live.

[890] And so, Uma Thurman, who I'd been doing this, my first movie back was this Merchant Ivory movie.

[891] And Ouma Thurman kind of casually went, well, I've got a brownstone I'm not using.

[892] And so I kind of went, oh, okay.

[893] And I mean, there was a lot of cockroaches, but it was kind of this incredibly grand sort of falling apart in the West Village.

[894] So we had this kind of.

[895] It's probably worth a $1 billion now.

[896] Oh, I think James Gandalfini boy.

[897] it while we were still in it.

[898] Like, there was a whole...

[899] But we were just these kind of twats from England who hadn't really got it together.

[900] And there was a lot of wildlife in it.

[901] It was a very kind of crumbling...

[902] It was very crumbling.

[903] Yeah.

[904] It was a very crumbling situation.

[905] But it was so nice of her and really rescued us.

[906] And sometimes she would come and visit and you'd feel like the kind of the queen had arrived.

[907] She's just so incredible because I think she'd got it furnished.

[908] You kind of remember that type of a gesture for the rest of your life, right?

[909] Like, she will always occupy in your heart.

[910] She's kind of like a sort of fairy godmother.

[911] the royal family.

[912] Yeah, she's amazing.

[913] So I kind of went out there still quite fat from having the baby.

[914] Right.

[915] You're in a sort of alien body and experience.

[916] And your brain's working differently.

[917] Yeah.

[918] And my baby was one of those babies that was awake until she was about seven.

[919] Oh my goodness.

[920] So it was just kind of like, I was in a kind of trippy state thinking, I wonder if I ever work again because there's so much going on.

[921] And then all of a sudden got us to go and put myself on tape various things and sometimes we'd have to do the audition with a baby on which is why it wasn't cast I'm sure and then got asked to go an audition for this movie that was set in the 40s and then all of a sudden I was in Pearl Harbor so it was like a real neck snapping change of vibe yeah doesn't sound like you were aiming at that but it just had at all and I never heard of Michael Bay I'd actually never heard of Joe Brachheimer and this is a very pre -internet age where you could be so myopicly English and have no sense of, I mean, my sense of America was, Disneyland is there and that's where I got my speak and spell from somebody's aunt brought back for me. And other than that, it has no bearing on my life at all.

[922] Yeah, yeah.

[923] At all.

[924] And then suddenly found myself in that.

[925] I was excited because the script was kind of really fun and it was really love triangle and kind of emotional and I had absolutely no idea what I was getting into there.

[926] And nobody warned me. Like nobody said, just so you know, your background with small English movies is not going to prepare you for like four sets shooting at once and everyone shitting themselves that they're going to be fired all the time, which is what it's like on those math.

[927] It was the biggest movie ever green lit at the time.

[928] Yeah, yeah.

[929] And there's a special vibe where every single crew member thinks they're going to be fired, which I had not come across before.

[930] I showed up to that with a 14 -month -old baby.

[931] Oh, my God.

[932] Was you shoot in Hawaii?

[933] Hawaii and here.

[934] And here.

[935] So let me say several things.

[936] I love his movies.

[937] I fucking love Michael Bay movies.

[938] Armageddon is a...

[939] Bad boys.

[940] They're fucking awesome.

[941] He knows how to make a movie.

[942] Yeah, he's the best action director.

[943] I directed an action movie a few years ago.

[944] And I had his whole second unit DP team.

[945] So I hear all the Michael Bay stories.

[946] And it's just madness.

[947] It is absolute madness.

[948] People are doing like crazy dangerous things.

[949] And you've got to be a fucking cowboy to work on those movies.

[950] And you're going to be yelled at.

[951] And the whole thing is intense.

[952] I mean, it was a big shock to my system.

[953] Number one, I was from England and from cold comfort farm and much too about nothing.

[954] Number two, I just had a baby.

[955] And number three, I was young.

[956] I had no sense of anything.

[957] So it was an enormous shock to the system.

[958] Having said that, I left the movie with a weird fondness for him.

[959] Right.

[960] So, again, those things can coexist.

[961] You can have had a really tricky experience, but also be quite fond of the person.

[962] A thousand percent.

[963] Because I've heard crazy stories And I love his shit I think if he was making movies in the 70s He was like Sam Peck and Paul That's what you did But also when we made Pearl Harbor That's also what you did It's just now you don't Yes I did read one thing he said And I was like What the fuck is he talking about Which was he initially had doubts About casting you I wasn't sure about her at first She wore black leather trousers In her screen tests And I thought she was a little nasty It was easy to think of this woman as a slut The crazy part is, I had a toddler, so actually wearing, like, a PVC pant was, like, it was the most opposite.

[964] The second part's even crazier.

[965] He said, he eventually decided to hire her because she wasn't, quote, too beautiful.

[966] Women feel disturbed when they see someone's too pretty.

[967] I was like, is he nagging you at that point?

[968] You're so outrageously beautiful.

[969] What the fuck is he talking about?

[970] I just wasn't his taste.

[971] And by the way, he said this.

[972] This isn't me kind of revealing something.

[973] No, no, you're not.

[974] No, no, no. This is a well -known thing he said.

[975] But it blew up a few years ago because I sort of told it as a funny story for the 50 millionth time.

[976] And then because the climate has changed, it became a massive deal that really took off.

[977] But we were on the press tour for Pearl Harbor and every single country we went to, obviously it's the same questions and everyone asked the same thing.

[978] And, oh, you know, we know you've worked with Ben before and you guys have a relationship, but why'd you cast Josh and why did you cast Kate?

[979] And he'd go, well, Josh is like Montgomery Clift and Josh is so handsome and he's so butch and he's so this.

[980] And then they go, why'd you ask Kate?

[981] And he go, well, we didn't think she was too good -looking so that she wouldn't alienate the female audience.

[982] And after about four countries, I went, fucking one more time.

[983] Yeah.

[984] I'm actually going to kick you in the throat.

[985] Like, it's not cool.

[986] And he looked at me like, what do you mean?

[987] Like, it's 100 % true.

[988] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[989] Like, it's exactly his feeling about it.

[990] But I remember they had a very fancy hairdresser come and consult and me and Jamie King were standing in a room and she came in and she went, which one's the lead?

[991] and they pointed at me and she went oh I was hoping it was the other one like everybody was it was literally like it was like a real it was like a real test of hold on I'm gonna get into the psychology of him he did not think this he had some rules like he has a dogma about movies why they work you don't hire someone that's too pretty like he has his whole I'm sure which is why obviously he's cast Megan Fox and Charlize because they right they're so average so average yeah but he like me he like me Immediately his spidey senses picked up that you are not going to like him.

[992] That's exactly what happened.

[993] He was like, this gal would never be into my shit.

[994] So she's average.

[995] And I don't even think he knows he did it.

[996] But then he, but he saw castor.

[997] I did a really good screen test.

[998] But I think that he didn't think I was attracted.

[999] It's okay.

[1000] Not everyone has to find you.

[1001] You know what I mean?

[1002] It doesn't matter.

[1003] But I think he's got like not a huge filter on.

[1004] I just don't get it.

[1005] People got away with saying that also at the time.

[1006] I was going to say, I want to be very clear.

[1007] I'm not trying to, of.

[1008] evaluate him or prosecute him by 2021 standards.

[1009] I'm not at all.

[1010] And that was what was shocking about a few years ago.

[1011] I went on some talk show in England and they didn't even run that segment because we had a lot of other things.

[1012] But somebody journalist was in the audience and therefore it blew up like not with me telling it.

[1013] And it became this kind of witch hunt on Michael Bay, which I was like, I've literally told that story.

[1014] He's even said it.

[1015] 15, 20 years ago, nobody batted a night.

[1016] It's the climate that's the climate that's.

[1017] It's really different.

[1018] Again, my motivation for bringing it up had nothing to do with like, we should now punish Michael Bay.

[1019] I brought it up because we watched the Britney Spears documentary.

[1020] I don't know if you saw it.

[1021] It's incredible.

[1022] But it is so jarring when you go to the late night talk show monologues and to hear that, like, Jay Leno, who is a nice guy, he's just calling her a slut because it wasn't a thing.

[1023] But what's interesting, the only reason I brought it up is that, You lived through that whole thing.

[1024] Uh -huh.

[1025] Like you were working and making a living in a period where a director could say, she looked like a slot.

[1026] Yeah.

[1027] And it's funny because it was literally the leather pants.

[1028] I mean, I was so distracted by having a one -year -old.

[1029] Yeah.

[1030] You know what I mean?

[1031] Like, nobody was getting any sexual energy off me. There wasn't any.

[1032] Right, right, right.

[1033] The baby had taken it all.

[1034] Yeah, there wasn't.

[1035] There literally wasn't it.

[1036] And Michael wasn't getting any.

[1037] Nobody was getting anything.

[1038] I was just completely.

[1039] A milk station.

[1040] Yeah.

[1041] Yeah, and not just even that.

[1042] I wasn't nursing anymore, but I was in that kind of like I've just had a baby shock that lasts for a minute.

[1043] We have a radical identity shift.

[1044] It's like, oh, I was this.

[1045] Now I'm this.

[1046] And none of my friends are doing this or will be doing this for a decade or two.

[1047] Yeah, yeah.

[1048] So you have no one to look to.

[1049] Yeah, exactly.

[1050] So, I mean, I was probably the furthest thing from a slut that anyone could be.

[1051] I bring it up because we learn about all these historical periods and we learn about the evolution of culture.

[1052] I think sometimes we don't recognize like, oh, and we've gone through.

[1053] some big chunk that has changed dramatically.

[1054] And if your daughter were to pursue acting, she won't have the experience you had.

[1055] Like, you're just, we've all been in a different era.

[1056] And it's, I don't think it's gone.

[1057] I think there are certain things that, and some of them are performative, that have changed.

[1058] But I still think it is possible to be completely abused gaslit and fucked over while working and have no, like, who do you tell?

[1059] Where do you go with that?

[1060] Yeah.

[1061] Yeah, it just gets more, maybe subtle, more subversive, more subtexty.

[1062] And like now it's nameable.

[1063] Now you can say, I am being abused at work.

[1064] I don't think there's necessarily yet a kind of really clear path of what the fuck you do about that.

[1065] Right.

[1066] You know what I mean?

[1067] I think you can name it and other people can recognize it and everyone goes, oh, but it's not like there's protocol.

[1068] It's more complicated than when you read about it than you would assume it is, I think.

[1069] And also, dudes, wait for the woman.

[1070] to reach out.

[1071] If someone wants to turn something sexual, go ahead and let the woman, if she wants to trust that she'll reach out to you and try to get this in another gear.

[1072] See, I don't know.

[1073] I don't know if you want a rule like that.

[1074] Every woman who's absolutely appalled to receive a date pick, there's some women who are like, oh, my God, hot.

[1075] Some people love it.

[1076] Again, here we are again.

[1077] Well, there probably just shouldn't be any very specific rules in general, except maybe, like, don't do what Bill Cosby did.

[1078] Yeah, yeah.

[1079] Like, that's, we can probably draw hard.

[1080] He's had a strong message that he can, though.

[1081] I cannot believe it.

[1082] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1083] Oh, really took a tangent.

[1084] Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

[1085] Okay, I was so into Josh Hartnett at that period.

[1086] Everybody apparently was.

[1087] Yeah.

[1088] It was really nice.

[1089] That movie, I mean, also Ben, so it's Matt and Ben are my number one.

[1090] Because of Goodwill, Honey.

[1091] As an ideal boyfriend, Matt and Ben together.

[1092] Right?

[1093] is great.

[1094] Some people should just be a double act.

[1095] You should be able to marry them both.

[1096] I think you're right.

[1097] Like, let them shine where they shine.

[1098] I watched it so much.

[1099] I fantasized about it so much.

[1100] Which?

[1101] Pearl Harbor.

[1102] Oh, really?

[1103] Yeah.

[1104] I mean, they were at peak.

[1105] Peak.

[1106] Did you lean more towards one or the other?

[1107] I was a big Ben fan because basically Ben is so shockingly large in real life.

[1108] Thank you.

[1109] Yes.

[1110] Ben is a cinder block.

[1111] He is.

[1112] And when I was hearing yelling, which was frequent.

[1113] Not necessarily directed at me. But I'm the sort of person who gets that shiver if someone's yelled at in school and it's not me. I would literally just stand behind him like he was a kind of a windbreaker and he was also just very kind to me. That's nice.

[1114] I know that they are obsessing about you bleaching your teeth.

[1115] Don't worry, they made me fix my teeth and are they checking that you've done your car?

[1116] So he made it actually much more, this is about the vibe of this movie and these people rather than you're a woman and this is happening to you, which actually I really made me kind of trauma bond to him.

[1117] Yeah, yeah, it's kind of like we're all products.

[1118] Yeah, and it was that.

[1119] It wasn't actually a sexist thing.

[1120] They were doing the same.

[1121] I mean, Josh showed up in far better shape than I did, so he didn't have it quite as much.

[1122] He was still asked every day, what are you doing your cardio?

[1123] Right.

[1124] It wasn't a thing that was just at me because I was a woman.

[1125] I was just also the one who was the flabbiest because I just had a baby.

[1126] So I got it the most.

[1127] Yeah, I just want to second what you say, which is I've met him several times.

[1128] He's so much bigger than you're expecting.

[1129] He's enormous, and he's really smart and funny.

[1130] Yes.

[1131] Oh, he's so charming in real life.

[1132] And he's really smart.

[1133] Like, he's educated and intelligent and articulate, and I wasn't expecting that at all.

[1134] Are you guys both single?

[1135] Maybe we could rekindle something.

[1136] No, he's taken J -Lo and also no. Maybe me. Yeah, exactly.

[1137] Okay, now, when you signed up to do the Underworld movies.

[1138] Yeah, it was an experiment.

[1139] Underworld was very much me having heard a lot, well, she's very delicate and English and soft, and we don't really see her as a cop because she's just so...

[1140] And I thought, oh, fuck that.

[1141] I'm going to have to change that around a little bit just so that I have a bit more choice.

[1142] And that really kind of backfired.

[1143] Because I literally went from like one minute going, well, she's a bit soft to light wool, but she's kind of tough.

[1144] And how is this so neck snappingly quick?

[1145] You know what I mean?

[1146] But I guess it is.

[1147] And it was odd because it was such a stretch for me. Like I'd never had in my mind.

[1148] I'm going to do an action movie.

[1149] I fucking hated P .E. I was not, you know, I was absolutely forced to go to the gym by Michael.

[1150] I now go a lot, but I never, in England at that time, if somebody regularly went to the gym, they were just deeply suspicious.

[1151] And you also didn't want to be friends with them.

[1152] Yeah.

[1153] They were definitely a douche.

[1154] Well, it used to just be right that, like, it was the ultimate admission of vanity.

[1155] Now it isn't like that.

[1156] But at the time, you just say somebody went, I'm off to the gym, you'd be like, okay, bye.

[1157] So, no, it was so far from what I'd ever grown up thinking I was going to do.

[1158] And I wasn't like a comic book person.

[1159] I wasn't that person.

[1160] So it really was a kind of, oh, they've asked me to do this.

[1161] They probably shouldn't have.

[1162] But I'm going to see if I can do it.

[1163] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1164] And then it worked out.

[1165] But it worked out to where I did a couple and then became like, oh, we need someone with a machine gun pole vaulting off a building.

[1166] Let's call Kate, which still to the day feels ludicrous to me. But it's nice to get to do it.

[1167] You just don't want to be only doing that.

[1168] Well, it's so much work.

[1169] Like, I don't know if people recognize dramatic difference in workload when you sign on to have a five -page talking scene at a diner versus a seven -minute action sequence.

[1170] Like, the seven minutes of talking in a diner is going to take an afternoon, and the seven minutes of action is going to take a week and a half.

[1171] And it's boring.

[1172] Yes.

[1173] So, like, if you are intelligent and need to be stimulated and you're on your fourth day of running up a wall, Oh, you can get a bit fed up.

[1174] Sure, sure.

[1175] And it's not comfortable, too.

[1176] I want people to recognize that you're wearing a harness half of these movies, I'm sure, right?

[1177] And they can't get them comfortable.

[1178] No. And you're in, like, I had to wear one and I was just in underwear.

[1179] It was like, so I was down to all they could hide was a belt.

[1180] So you just have like a fucking car seatbelt around my hips and I'm hanging out of a tree.

[1181] And also a car seatbelt kind of up your bollocks and squeeze your labia.

[1182] That's right.

[1183] And you're like, wow.

[1184] Imagine having testicles and a penis in that bridge.

[1185] because it's that however much it's chafing on the vagina, which is a lot, someone's like, well, at least you don't have balls.

[1186] I'm like, listen, don't.

[1187] It's bad enough.

[1188] Oh, I just did it.

[1189] Yeah, you did.

[1190] Everybody does it.

[1191] Everyone does it.

[1192] And I do spend a lot of my time thinking, thank God, I don't have a penis and balls, but not specifically necessarily in that.

[1193] That would be a good time to think about it.

[1194] Look, I have never experienced discomfort very quickly getting out of a car.

[1195] And I'm sure you have.

[1196] Do you know what velvadiering is?

[1197] I don't.

[1198] I've heard from people that claim to have been there, so it might not be a Hollywood legend, but Mr. Belvedere, you know Mr. Belvedere.

[1199] I don't know Mr. Belvedere.

[1200] There was a TV show in the 80s or 90s called Mr. Belvedere, and he was an English butler that family had, but he was kind of the main deal.

[1201] But the show was called Mr. Belvedere.

[1202] It was about the butler.

[1203] And he was a rotund man. He was a big man. And apparently at a table read, he sat down in his chair to start the table read and screamed uncontrollably, and he had sat on his testicle and, like, ruptured it.

[1204] And it's called getting belvedeared now.

[1205] I didn't know that.

[1206] You can twist one if you very quickly get out of a car.

[1207] Kind of like a horse's intestines.

[1208] They can't stand up too fast.

[1209] And then your tentacles can no longer digest hay.

[1210] That's right.

[1211] That's right.

[1212] It could be lethal.

[1213] There's a lot of practical problems.

[1214] That's what I was going to say is often I'll be in the mirror at night in the bathroom with my wife.

[1215] It's helicoptering.

[1216] And that, wait, helicopter, right?

[1217] Doing that thing.

[1218] Oh, you spin your piece.

[1219] No, I do that.

[1220] I generally do that right out of the shower.

[1221] No, this is just, we'll be standing in front of the mirror and I'll be observing my naked body and I'll go, what a poor design.

[1222] What a poor design.

[1223] It's a terrible design because the balls are an odd thing.

[1224] They're sort of made of a prehistoric thing that nothing else is made on.

[1225] Yes.

[1226] So that they look weird and don't match.

[1227] But if you take the balls away, it looks even weirder.

[1228] It's almost like, you know, when you're like buying an engagement ring and it's like on a little pad.

[1229] You need them there to serve it up.

[1230] You're right.

[1231] They're the platter upon which the penis presents itself.

[1232] But when you're just looking at it in the mirror, you're like, what a terrible location.

[1233] It's like, let's put it where the most amount of activity and friction is, right between your thighs.

[1234] And let's just put a bunch of equipment in there.

[1235] Let's put three things.

[1236] Let's put two testicles and a penis.

[1237] That also moves about on its own accord.

[1238] It's roaming all day long.

[1239] It's a bit higher up on the chest.

[1240] further away from the legs, wouldn't it?

[1241] Yes, or an elephant.

[1242] An elephant has its testicles on its back, like a hyrachs, that little creature that lives on the rocks in Africa.

[1243] So they keep their testicles on their back.

[1244] Smart.

[1245] You can technically push them back up.

[1246] Don't sue my wrestlers push them back up and then take them out when they need to.

[1247] They do?

[1248] Take them out when they need to.

[1249] I think you can push the actual testicles and then you've just got a sort of empty shopping bag.

[1250] Oh my gosh, a little coin purse.

[1251] Yeah, a coin purse.

[1252] I think that's true.

[1253] Anyways, how on earth do you?

[1254] We start talking about belvedereing one's self.

[1255] I love belverdeering.

[1256] Oh, the harness.

[1257] Oh, harness when I was belvarying.

[1258] So even, like, I was watching the trailer for Jolt this morning.

[1259] Yeah.

[1260] And there appears to be, I mean, there's got to be nine fight sequences in that movie.

[1261] He's about fighting that movie, yeah.

[1262] And every time you're doing that, you're probably on a wire.

[1263] You're choreographing like six moves, I'd guess, in one shot.

[1264] And then, you know, you're going to pick up this other shot.

[1265] Like, it's so tedious, is it not?

[1266] Yeah, although I still feel.

[1267] like, why on earth are they asking me to do this?

[1268] I shouldn't do.

[1269] So the level of terror I still experience kind of keeps me engaged.

[1270] Because now, of course, I've done a bunch of them.

[1271] So people think, oh, Jackie Chan's here.

[1272] Like, I'm all like that.

[1273] Well, I don't think you'll be able to do it.

[1274] Jacqueline Chan.

[1275] Well, you know what you're doing.

[1276] And I'm like, oh, fuck, no, I don't.

[1277] But you sort of do.

[1278] Like, I'm always surprised by going, oh, actually, I suppose on some level I have learned how to do this, even though I don't buy it myself that I have because then it works out but I experience more terror even now than in the beginning because now there's an expectation that I'm going to be good at it.

[1279] That's interesting.

[1280] But yeah, you must have like at this point some like muscle memory of it all.

[1281] Yes, but it hasn't translated into a brain thing.

[1282] So I think to myself, I can't.

[1283] And then you kind of look at the take and go, actually, no, it's like how it's worked.

[1284] I don't know how that worked.

[1285] Because it can look very cool.

[1286] I thought it would feel cool while you're doing it.

[1287] It doesn't.

[1288] It feels like you're kind of sliding down at the window on a bed sheet, spraining your ankle and screaming.

[1289] Yeah.

[1290] And then you look and it's like, wow, I look quite slick.

[1291] That's not how it feels.

[1292] Right, right.

[1293] You don't ever feel like Jacqueline Chan.

[1294] No, and I think some people maybe do.

[1295] I'm pretty sure Jason Statham feels pretty cool doing it.

[1296] Yeah.

[1297] But maybe we all don't.

[1298] So, you know what's funny is I can tell you of a little bit of reservation about having been, for lack of a better word, like pigeonholed in the action space.

[1299] Well, because the only reason I did it was to not be pigeonholed.

[1300] Yeah.

[1301] But I was going to observe that.

[1302] That interestingly seems to be how you have made decisions, which, by the way, I have two, which is I'm fearful I can't do this one thing.

[1303] So I got to go prove I can do that one thing.

[1304] To yourself.

[1305] Yeah.

[1306] Which is an interesting approach because you could just go like, I'm trying to do the thing I'm best at.

[1307] Right.

[1308] But I'm personally motivated by people thinking I can't do something.

[1309] I don't know if that's the right strategy in life.

[1310] As an actor, I feel like it's a sort of apprenticeship all the time.

[1311] Yeah.

[1312] And like in order to be good, you have to be good.

[1313] to try and do stuff that you aren't good at.

[1314] I think you more than anyone you've done every single thing.

[1315] Like you've done all these period pieces, you've done all these dramas, you've done all these action movies, you've done a horror movie with Luke Wilson, you've done, click with Adam Sandler.

[1316] Like, there isn't a genre really you haven't done.

[1317] It was difficult for me to get comedy.

[1318] And I jolt is a comedy and I was really happy about that because that's actually the thing I feel very rooted and confident about.

[1319] Uh -huh.

[1320] You're funny.

[1321] We're observing that.

[1322] Yeah.

[1323] Unexpected.

[1324] Oh, thanks.

[1325] Yeah, yeah.

[1326] But, okay, well, just to say, because we're talking about this, Michael Bay is so wrong about women looking at you and thinking, like, oh, I'm not intimidated.

[1327] Like, you are so in a great way, intimidating.

[1328] Yeah, yeah.

[1329] It's kind of a Brad Pitt level.

[1330] I would say you, you and Gwyneth, I've been thinking about this.

[1331] This is the second time in three and a half years we've been doing this show that I've been like, oh, my God, this person is special and global.

[1332] And Gwyneth was the other one.

[1333] But it's like there's an aura or something happening.

[1334] It's almost royal.

[1335] Maybe that's it.

[1336] We've come full of it.

[1337] Maybe I'm sensing some royal too.

[1338] But I just, he's just so wrong.

[1339] Like that is what women are attracted to.

[1340] But are they, is he right though?

[1341] Because Gwinez Paltrow, who we talked at great length about, she is polarizing because she is almost too perfect and people feel less than just observing her.

[1342] And it's their issue.

[1343] It's not her fault.

[1344] It's my most common thing that I get.

[1345] if I'm in Gelson's, is a woman comes up to me and goes, you're my husband's hall past.

[1346] He's behind the bananas.

[1347] And I'm like, this is so awkward.

[1348] Because what you're actually saying is I'm allowed to have sex with your husband, and he's here.

[1349] What am I supposed to do with my face?

[1350] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1351] You say, let me take a gander at him.

[1352] Let's see if I'm in the market for this.

[1353] That's the thing I get the most, because I think, I don't know.

[1354] Maybe the women feel like I might be fun to chat to after.

[1355] Do you know what I mean?

[1356] I don't know that.

[1357] Or that I probably.

[1358] not going to want to marry your husband.

[1359] I don't know what it is, but that's my most common...

[1360] Yeah, they're like, she'll do that thing, and then we'll talk about Raskolnikov for a while, and it'll be...

[1361] Everyone wins.

[1362] Oh, do one now.

[1363] Okay, now, here's another thing I relate to you, and I'm very, very good friends with all my ex -girlfriends.

[1364] And I've always been really perplexed by people who either, A, don't want their significant other to have friendships with their exes.

[1365] Right.

[1366] And then B, I'm perplexed by, like, how could you have...

[1367] love someone for some extended period of time and then just be like now I think they're a terrible person well sometimes they turn out to be a secret monster so that's that can happen I think that is legit yeah yeah but especially I think if you have kids with someone you try and focus on all the good bits yeah once you're not in a relationship with someone anymore 90 % of the stuff that's so bothersome and tricky is not because you're not having to live with them so that's right it's no longer you're you don't have to worry about that yeah that's not affecting you directly but clearly if you liked someone enough to spend eight years with them.

[1368] Yeah.

[1369] They're a good person.

[1370] Like Yeah, there's decent things.

[1371] Most people reveal their monsterness in way under eight years.

[1372] Or you're out to launch.

[1373] You're not observing.

[1374] Or no, or it's a sociopath, which I think is also possible.

[1375] Not that I'm saying Michael is a sociopath because he's not.

[1376] Yeah.

[1377] He might be a very good actor.

[1378] There's something wrong.

[1379] I was largely unaware of him until I saw that Frost Nixon.

[1380] And then you realize he's in everything.

[1381] And then you realize he's in everything.

[1382] He's literally in everything.

[1383] Every time you turn on the time.

[1384] that's exactly right i think for women in relationships with men it's just culturally quite easy to lose track of your own shit i just think like you've watched your mother your grandmother whatever kind of subjugate herself to and even on stupid things like it's so common when someone says what movie do you want to watch and you go i don't mind you do mind actually but you're in this weird cultural habit yeah of going i don't mind it doesn't seem like a big deal but it actually once you then get out of a marriage and you don't ever find yourself saying, I don't mind and you're just doing what you're like, it is amazing.

[1385] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1386] And highly recommend it.

[1387] But I also haven't been in kind of very long relationship since then, probably because I really like that feeling so much.

[1388] Yeah.

[1389] And I'm not yet confident I could maintain that with another person around.

[1390] You're dead right.

[1391] We're masters at sucking up all the energy in the room, even if we're not doing anything, because everyone knows that one dad where you go over and the whole house is like, he doesn't like to hear any noise when he's watching the news.

[1392] So he's actually not even like talking, but everyone is catering to his explosive.

[1393] Yeah, and I remember that from my dad, you'd be like, no, no, no, no, when you're having a sleepover and you'd be like, oh my God, I don't think he was like a monster or anything, but like there is that weird thing.

[1394] It's not even like a choice.

[1395] It's almost like a kind of patriarchal ride that we're on.

[1396] I finding it easier to opt out of that.

[1397] It doesn't make sense anymore.

[1398] There was a period in time where your father, My father worked 16 hours a week, and he was dead when he came home, and everyone was just easy on him because, fuck, it was miserable.

[1399] But that has changed, but some of that aspect of it has stayed around.

[1400] Yeah, it has.

[1401] And it's quite difficult.

[1402] I can't imagine actually living with a person and maintaining my newfound autonomy.

[1403] And also, there's a kind of inherent sort of assumption as a mother that you're supposed to serve yourself last in every possible respect to that I don't think is actually helpful.

[1404] I did it.

[1405] Yeah, yeah.

[1406] But I don't think it serves anybody for a woman to just be instantly martyed by having children on every stupid thing.

[1407] Like, yes, would you give your life for your child?

[1408] Absolutely.

[1409] Would you turn down an important thing because it's Halloween?

[1410] Yes, I would stand by all that.

[1411] Yeah.

[1412] But staying up all night after you've had the stomach flu because they've got the stomach flu.

[1413] Like, that's just like, come on now.

[1414] Yeah.

[1415] You know what I mean?

[1416] Yes, yes, yes.

[1417] It's just like a given that we'll all do that.

[1418] I know.

[1419] It's going to seem preposterous very soon.

[1420] soon.

[1421] But again, that's another era we all kind of witnessed and lived through.

[1422] And that's certainly not how I'm being a dad.

[1423] And it seems so unacceptable.

[1424] Yeah.

[1425] But it's so good for kids to see their mom prioritized themselves.

[1426] To model.

[1427] Yeah.

[1428] I think so too.

[1429] Because I don't think it's good for girls to then get that model.

[1430] Then we all end up going, I don't mind which movie.

[1431] Exactly.

[1432] I don't know.

[1433] And the whole one does mine.

[1434] Like this is advice my mother's own father gave my dad when they got married.

[1435] They got married very young.

[1436] He said, first time you come mom from work.

[1437] And Laura puts the food on the table, take one bite, and turn the table over and say, don't ever serve me this again.

[1438] And you'll have great food for the rest of your marriage.

[1439] Oh my God.

[1440] This is a whole literal advice given by her own father, not like my dad's dad.

[1441] Her dad told my dad this.

[1442] She is a good cook.

[1443] It worked.

[1444] Every meal that she cooked us as kids was delicious.

[1445] Oh, Jesus.

[1446] Wow.

[1447] Okay.

[1448] So, Joel, you said it was a comedy.

[1449] It's an action comedy, yeah.

[1450] It's a really fun movie, which I've not done that before.

[1451] So that was a nice thing for me. So in the trailer, I've always had a fantasy of doing a movie because I feel like I'm regularly talking myself out of snapping.

[1452] 100%.

[1453] Me too.

[1454] It's my nature.

[1455] Me too.

[1456] There's something appealing about the concept of like, oh, I would.

[1457] And I've always wanted to play someone that just loses their marbles the way they want to.

[1458] Yeah.

[1459] Was it awesome?

[1460] It was quite awesome.

[1461] Yeah.

[1462] And the thing is, she's got a kind of neurological sort of explosive disorder that she's not happy.

[1463] So she's not happy about it.

[1464] But there is a kind of cathartic wishful film and teeth egg.

[1465] And also the fact she's a heroine who's deeply flawed and kind of slightly goofy, but also very sassy.

[1466] Like she's a lot of different things that I certainly haven't played as a action heroine.

[1467] Yeah.

[1468] And there aren't many of.

[1469] No, you're right.

[1470] There's no like humor generally in the femme fatale version of.

[1471] So I'm kind of excited because she is.

[1472] And she's funny.

[1473] Well, I also think because TV characters are so dynamic and interesting that movies are having to adopt that.

[1474] They're having to bring those.

[1475] Yeah, it used to be that TV copied movies and it seems like it's flipping in a good way.

[1476] Yeah.

[1477] You did a TV show recently.

[1478] Yes, just finished.

[1479] Yeah.

[1480] And you enjoy it?

[1481] I did.

[1482] It was in COVID, which makes you enjoy it less.

[1483] Oh, sure.

[1484] That was kind of a really different experience and kind of a lot of the things that make acting, feeling like a company and we didn't have that.

[1485] Also, you do an entire show, which is like four or five months.

[1486] And you have somebody who's your costume person who's like putting on your coat, but you realize you haven't seen their lower face.

[1487] And then you go on their Instagram and you're like, holy shit.

[1488] That's not what I imagine.

[1489] I filled in the bottom of everyone's face so differently.

[1490] I now seem like complete strangers.

[1491] And that's not that it was bad revealed, but it's just not what I had drawn in my mind.

[1492] So that's weird.

[1493] It's almost like what's behind door number four at some point in this affair, like, yeah, do you have horse teeth or everything looks normal?

[1494] Exactly.

[1495] Yeah, it's kind of exciting.

[1496] People's lower faces are shocking.

[1497] Until this year, I didn't realize what a discrepancy there can be between what the eyes are giving out and then like, well, goatey and a chin piercing.

[1498] I didn't even for one second suspect that.

[1499] You're right.

[1500] I had always, I had very much written off the bottom of the faces.

[1501] It's actually so key.

[1502] It is.

[1503] And our driver guy, I had a whole picture of him, and it turned out he had like a really intense mustache the whole time.

[1504] That would have changed everything, knowing that.

[1505] Maybe it's beautiful, though.

[1506] No, it is kind of cool, but I didn't realize how little credit I gave the lower face.

[1507] Yes, me too.

[1508] It was eye -opening.

[1509] It's a game -changer.

[1510] Okay, so Jolt is Amazon Prime.

[1511] Yeah.

[1512] And it comes out July 23rd.

[1513] July 23rd.

[1514] And it's really fun.

[1515] I'm just so excited to be promoting a movie that I'm not embarrassed by.

[1516] and that I don't have to lie about and that I really like.

[1517] Not that that's every time.

[1518] I've been quite lucky lately, but like in my time, that's soul destroying, you know.

[1519] When you're sitting and they're going, I know this sucks and you know it sucks and you're saying it and I'm having to kind of defend it.

[1520] But also, that's such a horrible position to be in.

[1521] It is one of the weirder parts of show business that I think no one tells you it's part of it.

[1522] You'll also be the car salesman.

[1523] You're going to design the car and then you'll be in the showroom.

[1524] Yeah.

[1525] And you're going to be explaining why it's a great car at some point.

[1526] Even though if occasionally you know it isn't, and then that makes you feel awful.

[1527] Yeah, sometimes it's the Ford Pinto.

[1528] It might explode if it gets rear -ended.

[1529] And you know that.

[1530] You've seen that data.

[1531] That's very well -known.

[1532] Okay.

[1533] Yeah, it's a very well -known thing.

[1534] Oh, okay.

[1535] Not as well -known as belvineering, but it's been missing.

[1536] Now we all know.

[1537] It's going to become a huge thing.

[1538] It's going to make that massive.

[1539] He's fucking belvedeared himself.

[1540] The guy hasn't worked in the months.

[1541] Is he okay now or dead?

[1542] We'll have to visit that in the fact check.

[1543] Yeah.

[1544] I'd like to learn more about him.

[1545] I have one last question for you.

[1546] because I feel like you're very candid in a fun way.

[1547] I'm going to bring you up to speed.

[1548] Everyone that listens to the show already knows the story.

[1549] I was 15.

[1550] I went on a ski trip in Vermont.

[1551] I met this girl, Jenny.

[1552] She was from Manchester.

[1553] And we were in a closet and we were making out and things were progressing.

[1554] And then before you know it, we were making love in this closet.

[1555] And I was 15.

[1556] And it wasn't until years later, no, this is where it gets dicey.

[1557] I was in anthropology class and someone had written a paper about why there were so many World War II babies.

[1558] and specifically English women being impregnated by American GIs.

[1559] Yeah, they're called war babies.

[1560] And proportionally, not the same for English men getting the American women stationed there pregnant.

[1561] And so what this anthropologist said was that culturally in the U .S., the woman has the brake pedal.

[1562] She's supposed to say, like, let's wait, let's wait, let's wait, and the man's supposed to pursue.

[1563] But in England, the gentleman's supposed to have the brake pedal.

[1564] Like, he's supposed to say we should wait.

[1565] And then when you get two people together without a brake pedal, all bets are off.

[1566] And I was in a class going, that explains that thing that always stuck out.

[1567] Like, why did we just have sex so quick at 15?

[1568] We were both very cool with it.

[1569] I've never come across a man with a brake pedal ever in my whole life, of any color.

[1570] Okay, good.

[1571] We often ask English folks if that either rings true or it doesn't at all.

[1572] And for you, it doesn't.

[1573] I don't think it does.

[1574] So far, most people are saying this is not true.

[1575] A thing.

[1576] And it could have been a thing in the 40s and not anymore.

[1577] I think she just really liked you in the closet.

[1578] Yeah.

[1579] I find that hard to believe.

[1580] I'm trying to think back to me being that sort of age.

[1581] I don't think I was, I don't think I'd seen a penis at 15.

[1582] But shortly after that in the next couple of years when I did first touch one.

[1583] Yeah.

[1584] Were you instigating or was the boy?

[1585] Well, I think he was and I was appalled because I had no map in my mind for this feels not like anything I've ever felt except the inside of a cat's tail.

[1586] And then once I had that thought, I was really upset.

[1587] The inside of a cat's tail.

[1588] Because there's that thing that's like, it's a bone, but it's not a bone.

[1589] It's so weird.

[1590] And I've got nothing corresponding to a bone that's not a bone.

[1591] And the only thing I kind of rollerdex through my brain was a cat's tail.

[1592] And then I got really upset about it and had enough of it.

[1593] And I just needed to go home and really think about the whole cat's tail of it all before I could process.

[1594] Process it.

[1595] Yeah, I just needed it.

[1596] Yeah, I found it depressing.

[1597] I'm going to tell you this story.

[1598] The first time I went down a girl's pants, I was in sixth grade, she was in eighth grade.

[1599] and we were behind this.

[1600] This is very ugly.

[1601] We were hillbillies.

[1602] It's like out in the sticks in Michigan.

[1603] And we're behind this garage and we're supposed to be at the movies, but we're not.

[1604] Everyone went to Deanna's house and things are escalating.

[1605] And she says I love being fingered.

[1606] And I was like, okay.

[1607] And then I went down her pants and I was in a panic because I know where my penis is and it's very much up front.

[1608] And I kept getting lower and lower and panicking.

[1609] Like I'm going to get to her butt very soon.

[1610] And I can't be what she's looking for.

[1611] And I'm stalling so long that she finally says, have you done this before?

[1612] I'm like, oh, yes.

[1613] And then I just have to commit.

[1614] And then I'm like, oh, my God, it's not anywhere near mine.

[1615] Isn't that weird?

[1616] Also, another person who obviously didn't have a brake pedal.

[1617] Yeah.

[1618] So what is it about you?

[1619] I guess just because she was English.

[1620] I don't know.

[1621] You're right.

[1622] This thing's unraveling quickly.

[1623] I do like finding out when people, because it's so weird to touch an opposite sexes undercarriage.

[1624] Yeah, for the first.

[1625] Yeah, I like that you would just continue.

[1626] I was being in it.

[1627] And there's me silently crying thinking about a cat's tail.

[1628] Yes.

[1629] I was running on a runway.

[1630] I was like, where is this going to end up?

[1631] You definitely couldn't say, no, I've never done it.

[1632] No. I couldn't either.

[1633] But I also had that thing of like, I don't want him to see how distressing I find it that this is.

[1634] I wasn't distressed by what he wasn't doing anything.

[1635] It's just the cat's tail portion of it.

[1636] I found charing as fuck.

[1637] It is so bizarre.

[1638] that it is a liquid and a gas.

[1639] Exactly.

[1640] Yeah, solid and a liquid.

[1641] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1642] And he's like, you can break it.

[1643] I did.

[1644] You've broken yours?

[1645] Yeah.

[1646] That was a whole other fucking thing.

[1647] We've set it on here.

[1648] We've set it on here.

[1649] I might need to hear a bit more.

[1650] So, no one's at blame.

[1651] But there was an injury during sex with my wife.

[1652] I heard a loud snap.

[1653] It bent completely in half.

[1654] Oh, my.

[1655] I screamed.

[1656] Did it hurt at the same time?

[1657] Like a motherfucker.

[1658] It was like a hot knife had been put in it.

[1659] Oh, my God.

[1660] It sucks.

[1661] I don't think anything of it.

[1662] Months go by.

[1663] Months.

[1664] And maybe six months later, I start noticing my penis was taking on a different shape when erect, not flaccid.

[1665] The shape was what?

[1666] The shape was like all of a sudden, I kind of had a dent in my penis when I was erect.

[1667] And then it was starting to curve, which it hadn't.

[1668] And I was like, what is this?

[1669] This is interesting.

[1670] Maybe this just happens as you get older.

[1671] And then it was progressing to a point where I went and saw my urologist who did my vasectomy, Dr. Josephson shot out, great guy.

[1672] I'm telling him what's going on and he goes, did you injure it?

[1673] And I'm like, I did.

[1674] And he goes, okay, so you have what's called Peronis.

[1675] Wait, I know someone else that had Peronis.

[1676] It's a thing.

[1677] It's a thing.

[1678] A lot of people have Peronis.

[1679] Oh, my God, this is the second time you've met someone with Peronis.

[1680] Yeah, I've never obviously seen one, but I've heard a lot about it.

[1681] Dr. Josephson, so he tells me, he says, oh, he's manhandling my penis and he says, well, I'll need to see it erect.

[1682] And I said, well, oh, wow.

[1683] Yeah, I don't, obviously, I don't think that's going to happen in this office.

[1684] And he goes, no, no, no, when you're at home, the next time you have an erection, send me pictures.

[1685] Send me pictures.

[1686] And I go, you want me to send you a dick pick?

[1687] He goes, dude, my whole phone is dickpicks.

[1688] Like, I'm a urologist.

[1689] Tell me about it, brother.

[1690] So sure enough, like a good soldier, I go home and I get it all irritated, and I take a picture of it, and I send it to me, yeah, definitely peronis.

[1691] He goes, listen, here's what happens with peronies.

[1692] It either gets worse and where.

[1693] and worse and worse, and it can get so dramatic the shift in its structural integrity that you can't do it.

[1694] What?

[1695] And if it progresses to that, we have a medicine, works a little bit, then we have a medical procedure.

[1696] But the medical procedure, 50 % of the time will end and you'll never get an erection again.

[1697] So these are the options on the table for me. And he said, in half the cases, in a year, it just fixes itself.

[1698] So you bet that.

[1699] So for a year, I lived with which one would be here?

[1700] 50 -50 chance I would be done having sex for the rest of my life.

[1701] And then magically it fixes itself.

[1702] It's completely back to normal, just like he said, it could happen.

[1703] It's staring straight now.

[1704] What happens is you get, like, scar tissues in some of the blood vessels, and then because it is this big liquid, solid gas, it prevents it from that, and it reroutes the blood.

[1705] And then in the rerouting of the blood, it changes the shape and blah, blah, blah.

[1706] But everything's honky -dory now.

[1707] Everything's good.

[1708] What a wild ride.

[1709] That was scary.

[1710] It was stressful, because I was only, I was 39.

[1711] When it happened?

[1712] There was life in the old dog.

[1713] That's right.

[1714] I wasn't ready to retire quite yet.

[1715] It was stressful, but you'll be happy to know everything ended.

[1716] And you didn't have to wear a splint on it or anything.

[1717] You've missed that moment probably.

[1718] No, this is a part of the story you will not like, but it came out in race 270.

[1719] While it was a little different, I was kind of excited about it.

[1720] I was like, oh, I've seen penises that look like this in pornography and now I have one.

[1721] I think there was a part of it.

[1722] Remember I was saying the autoerotic part of it was just like, oh, that.

[1723] That's kind of ugly, but kind of interesting.

[1724] Yeah.

[1725] For a minute, I thought it was interesting.

[1726] But then when you heard the possible caveat of it, it was less interesting.

[1727] Then it got very uninteresting, and then I was paranoid.

[1728] And then it just was all over.

[1729] Thank God.

[1730] For all of us.

[1731] Thanks for sitting through that.

[1732] No, I'm very medically minded.

[1733] I love a, I love a perony story.

[1734] Me too.

[1735] Yeah, I really do.

[1736] I love really any type of, I had a doctor once who used to send me x -ray pictures and say, guess what this person put up.

[1737] up their bum and then went to the ER.

[1738] Oh, that's a fun game.

[1739] Yeah, it was such a great game.

[1740] I would love that.

[1741] Yeah, it was amazing.

[1742] And he spent his career, you know, his career had sort of collecting.

[1743] So once in a while, if I was having a low moment, he would send a thing and go, yes, what this is.

[1744] And it was amazing.

[1745] It would be like a Rubik's Cube or.

[1746] Oh, no kidding.

[1747] Yeah, like a Hot Wheels car.

[1748] People are so creative.

[1749] What's the urban legend that we've talked about a couple times?

[1750] Is the hamster up the butt and then they try to get it out with a paper towel tube.

[1751] and then the guy wants to look in there with a lighter but he let a bunch of butane loose in there and then when he finally let it to look it blew up and burnt his face so they come into the emergency room and one guy's ass is blown out and the other guy's face is really badly burned and what's happened to the hamster?

[1752] That made it into a newspaper Well apparently they said the hamster shot out in a fireball but again none of this is true but it did make it into a newspaper it actually was an urban legend but it was in print in an actual real newspaper that this had happened anytime I go to the ER myself or with anyone I always always say, what's the weirdest thing someone's come in with?

[1753] And it's an amazing question because I think the weirdest one I had was a small bust of Mozart with the shoulders out.

[1754] Wow.

[1755] People are so kinky.

[1756] God, I'm boring.

[1757] I'm never cruising past a bust of Mozart thinking I must put that up my ass.

[1758] I got to get.

[1759] Hey, what are you doing outside of my ass?

[1760] Get back in here.

[1761] Exactly.

[1762] You genius.

[1763] How did you get out?

[1764] You're a naughty of Mozart.

[1765] Get back in my butt.

[1766] Well, Kate Beckinsale, this has been a...

[1767] A joy.

[1768] I could do this regularly.

[1769] Yes.

[1770] Yeah.

[1771] Russian literature.

[1772] No, we've worked with Sam Rockwell.

[1773] I mean...

[1774] Oh, I know.

[1775] Do we love him?

[1776] We love him a few times.

[1777] I love him so much.

[1778] What a dude.

[1779] He's the best guy.

[1780] And the best actor.

[1781] He's one of the best dancer.

[1782] Best to everything.

[1783] Best dancer?

[1784] Have you not seen him dance?

[1785] No. Watch out.

[1786] Go on YouTube.

[1787] Oh, there's video of him.

[1788] Oh, yeah.

[1789] He's a legit dancer.

[1790] Dance like Matt, yeah.

[1791] The highlight of my career at the Groundlings Theater was I was doing an improv show and it ended and we were back in the green room and Sam Rockwell came back with Mini Driver and he was so effusive about our set.

[1792] Oh, that's so generous.

[1793] And I was like, oh my God, Sam Rockwell thinks were good.

[1794] It was wind in the sales for sure.

[1795] And you can tell like his best friend is Justin Long, that's a real feather in your cap.

[1796] Like if your best friend is Justin Long, you love a good time.

[1797] and you're a good guy.

[1798] And so people should listen to Justin Long's podcast.

[1799] We love Justin.

[1800] Stop listening to this one.

[1801] And many drivers.

[1802] Yeah.

[1803] Everyone's got one except me. Well, this is your first one.

[1804] This is my first one ever.

[1805] Check it off the list.

[1806] It's nice, though, right?

[1807] To not have the pressure of like seven minutes.

[1808] Be great in seven minutes.

[1809] Yeah.

[1810] Be charming and funny.

[1811] Not, you know, and approachable and all these things.

[1812] It is also dangerous because you do feel like you're just chatting with some nice people.

[1813] It's just so comfortable.

[1814] I'd be highly suspicious of you, but she's a real secret reference.

[1815] So you know what you're doing.

[1816] I totally get it.

[1817] I see it.

[1818] I see what's happening here.

[1819] Yeah, Ninja.

[1820] Oh, yeah.

[1821] She'll fuck you up.

[1822] Well, we adore you and we hope that you'll come back and chat with us again.

[1823] Oh, my God.

[1824] Yeah, it's 100 % word.

[1825] Yes, so fun.

[1826] All right, adore you.

[1827] We'll do it again.

[1828] Yes, please.

[1829] And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate Monica Padman.

[1830] Okay, we're looking good.

[1831] We're looking really good.

[1832] Speaking of looking good, you're in all black.

[1833] I always like when you wear all black.

[1834] I like when you lean into your mysteriousness because you have these very mysterious eyes and it's also why I wanted you to shave your sight because you're going to be like, what is this?

[1835] This gal is really mysterious.

[1836] I don't think my eyes are necessarily mysterious because they're so big.

[1837] Oh, yeah.

[1838] They take up a lot of real estate on my face.

[1839] But you know what?

[1840] You have a natural eye shadow.

[1841] I do have under eyes circles.

[1842] Which is so great.

[1843] No, no, no. No, like your eyelids, everywhere where your skin is like creas, beast, it gets a little darker.

[1844] And that's what people try to give themselves shadowy eyes and you just have it.

[1845] What do you talk?

[1846] Why are you laughing?

[1847] This is a very, I'm here.

[1848] I know what I'm talking about.

[1849] I know what I'm talking about.

[1850] I know.

[1851] You're treating me like I'm a granddad who doesn't understand.

[1852] No, I'm not.

[1853] I'm just, I just know that you always see the best in me and what you're seeing is some under eye circles.

[1854] No, you, no. People do shadow their eyes to give a hint of mystery.

[1855] Well, this is true.

[1856] Eyeshadow.

[1857] Eyeshadow.

[1858] That's what they call it.

[1859] shadow.

[1860] That's what they call eye mystery.

[1861] Should I come out with a brand of eye shadow called mystery?

[1862] It should be I by mystery.

[1863] Ooh.

[1864] Ooh.

[1865] And in E .E or a letter I?

[1866] I think EY.

[1867] But there's a good double entendre here with I. How about E. How about E .E. Am mysterious.

[1868] Oh, I am mysterious.

[1869] Now, are you going to do A .M. Or M. AM.

[1870] Okay.

[1871] Yeah.

[1872] I am.

[1873] Does M now work for AM?

[1874] Are people just writing M?

[1875] That's AM?

[1876] Oh, my God.

[1877] It could be.

[1878] Oh, so let's just set the stage for everybody.

[1879] So we're doing a remote fact check right now.

[1880] I'm in a motorhome in the driveway of a friend in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

[1881] And you are in your apartment.

[1882] Yeah, and we haven't seen each other in a long time.

[1883] Yeah.

[1884] Tomorrow will be a week.

[1885] It feels like a lot longer.

[1886] You know how my theory that novelty and adventure slows down time.

[1887] You had a big camping trip and I've been in three different locations and so I feel like, yeah, I've been gone for 20 days already.

[1888] I want to give a quick update on my camping and then I want us to really dive into your trip because you've been doing so much cool stuff.

[1889] Okay, well just as a quick update, everyone who listens knows I went camping and that it was going to be scary for me. You foreshadowed that you might die.

[1890] So first and foremost, clearly, you lived.

[1891] I've lived through this experience.

[1892] My camping stove did come in time.

[1893] Okay.

[1894] That was a big TBD.

[1895] That's right.

[1896] That was a cliffhanger.

[1897] You didn't use it, though, right?

[1898] I used it once.

[1899] You did?

[1900] I did.

[1901] I said I bought all the, I bought so much stuff.

[1902] My setup was gorgeous.

[1903] Of course, I'm sure.

[1904] Yeah.

[1905] But then, of course, you know, I set up everything.

[1906] I had like my cooking tools out.

[1907] I had my stove.

[1908] Of course, I accidentally bought propane and it needed butane.

[1909] So that was a big fail, but I borrowed some butane from Matt.

[1910] And I had a collapsible sink.

[1911] That came in real handy, actually.

[1912] No kidding.

[1913] Yeah, I washed my hands in it a lot with liquid death, which felt...

[1914] Oh, like extravagant.

[1915] It felt really extravagant.

[1916] It sounded like Jaja Gabor would do or something.

[1917] Like, there's always rumors about like actors or, well, generally actresses, using like Evian to clean their face.

[1918] This was like that.

[1919] And anyway, so everything was gorgeous.

[1920] And I brought, you know, food to make.

[1921] And Molly called on the way and she was like, do you want Jersey mics?

[1922] And I was like, yeah.

[1923] So I set everything up and then I ate Jersey mics instead.

[1924] Of course.

[1925] But then the next morning, I made sausages on my stove.

[1926] Oh, fun.

[1927] How'd they taste?

[1928] They got burned.

[1929] Okay.

[1930] Yeah, but.

[1931] You're saying burns hot.

[1932] It's probably hot, right?

[1933] It was so hot.

[1934] I don't know why.

[1935] And then I was confused.

[1936] I was like, why can't I control the temp on this?

[1937] And you really scorched those things, huh?

[1938] Yeah, they were scorched.

[1939] But I ate them.

[1940] Okay, good.

[1941] Well, it sounds like the theme of your trip was, I made my bed I'm going to lie in it.

[1942] I bought this stove.

[1943] Now I'm going to fucking use it.

[1944] I made these sausages.

[1945] Sure, they're burnt, but I'm going to eat them.

[1946] Sounds like a lot of, oh, ding, ding, ding.

[1947] And you didn't have a bed.

[1948] And that was a source of great.

[1949] discomfort because you didn't make the right bed.

[1950] Yeah, so I thought I was camping clever.

[1951] Like, I thought I was doing the right thing, being a really good camper.

[1952] I went on to camping website and bought my sleeping pad and sleeping bag.

[1953] And, you know, it all came.

[1954] And when it came, I thought, man, everything's so tiny.

[1955] This is amazing.

[1956] And because it's supposed to be tiny because people put it in backpacks and stuff.

[1957] Yeah, you put it on your motorcycle and travel around.

[1958] Yeah, but I didn't know that I just thought it was some, like, technology that was, like, making it super tiny, but was going to blow up into this huge, comfortable thing.

[1959] No, the sleeping pad was a half an inch.

[1960] Yeah, it was a pee -pee pad.

[1961] It was definitely a pee -py -bed.

[1962] It was for a backpack.

[1963] Like, I mean, good for maybe a backpack, but not for this type of thing.

[1964] And you know what?

[1965] I regret, I thought in my head, like, I should bring my air mattress.

[1966] My air mattress is luxurious.

[1967] It's huge.

[1968] It's thick.

[1969] It's incredibly comfortable and it's very thick.

[1970] Thick.

[1971] But I thought, I can't be the one bringing an air mattress.

[1972] That's so silly when we camped at that same spot.

[1973] We brought air mattresses.

[1974] Everyone did.

[1975] Yes, of course.

[1976] Everyone brought air mattresses.

[1977] Apparently.

[1978] We live in the error of the air mattress.

[1979] So there's no reason to not use it.

[1980] I thought that wasn't for real campers.

[1981] Oh, okay.

[1982] You're trying to be hardcore.

[1983] Ain't it hard being so hardcore?

[1984] Good job.

[1985] So not only was it a half an inch.

[1986] It was also incredibly narrow.

[1987] Oh, boy.

[1988] And you're already narrow.

[1989] So if you're saying that, imagine what I'd be saying.

[1990] It'd be a thong on me lying down.

[1991] Yes.

[1992] You would have spilled out all over it.

[1993] Like never.

[1994] So I couldn't toss and turn.

[1995] Coupled with buyer's remorse.

[1996] And looking in other people's tents with full air.

[1997] mattresses and getting upset.

[1998] Yeah.

[1999] Okay, so that part wasn't ideal.

[2000] But it was fun.

[2001] It was for Ryan's birthday.

[2002] He had such a good time.

[2003] We were right on the beach, which was super fun.

[2004] We spent all day at the beach, which was great.

[2005] Did any campers do mushrooms?

[2006] I believe so, but I did not.

[2007] Yeah.

[2008] Because I was sleepy and I had to go to bed like a little camper.

[2009] Yeah.

[2010] You know, there's a weird serendipity happening, which is your brother went on a camping trip at the exact same time.

[2011] And he too bought a bunch of stuff.

[2012] He went crazy, Aaron.

[2013] Aaron went camping?

[2014] He and Ruthie and the kids.

[2015] And boy, oh boy, he bought everything.

[2016] He bought so much shit he had to rent a U -Haul trailer, hook it up to his car so he could lug it all.

[2017] Oh, my God.

[2018] That's textbook Aaron, by the way.

[2019] That's like vintage Aaron Weekly.

[2020] His character defects, and he won't mind me telling them on the air because God knows he'd say it too.

[2021] He's a very impatient person.

[2022] So if he gets an idea he wants something, he has to have it in like 10 minutes.

[2023] Oh, okay.

[2024] I have a lot of that.

[2025] Yeah, he's had a lot of regrettable like vehicle purchases and stuff because he just gets, he has to have it.

[2026] Yeah.

[2027] And so I think he was in his addiction a little bit when he planned for this camping trip.

[2028] A little manic.

[2029] Yeah, yeah, sounded like he like, yeah, you just started, I think he went to a place and just basically bought everything there, yeah.

[2030] I'm really glad I didn't go into an REI because I would have bought a lot of extras.

[2031] But you probably would have been comfy and had a good time because you would have probably been able to try some of these things.

[2032] Damn it.

[2033] Mm -mm -mm.

[2034] But fun was had.

[2035] Some people probably did mushrooms.

[2036] That's great.

[2037] Yep.

[2038] Do you want to hear a fun story for me about my...

[2039] I want to hear all the fun stories, yes.

[2040] Well, I'm not going to give you all of them, but I am going to say I went whitewater rafting with Lincoln, her first time ever.

[2041] Was it scary?

[2042] No, she was so brave and excited and laughing and putting her hands on.

[2043] overhead and it was really, really fun.

[2044] And then yesterday, my dad and I, Tom Hansen, took a really long motorcycle ride, like 200 miles.

[2045] And a good 60 of it was a dirt trail across the back of the Teton's.

[2046] It was a pretty extreme ride.

[2047] And so we found this like dam just in the middle of the mountain, this very rudimentary like earthenware dam, and we decided to pull over and have some water and stuff.

[2048] were sitting there chatting and then two guys roll up on adventure motorcycles, like mostly for off road.

[2049] And they get off and it's clearly a father and son.

[2050] And they have ridden their motorcycles from Colorado on that dirt path.

[2051] They take this thing called the Continental Divide Trail and they leave Colorado and they're just on a dirt road all the way here to Wyoming.

[2052] And they go beyond that.

[2053] And they were telling us, this is what they do, right?

[2054] And their father and son, I just get happy when I see that there are dads that you know they do that they invite their son and they have that relationship and they have a hobby together and these guys have been all over the country riding motorcycles on dirt roads and so we get to talk and we're talking for a few minutes and the son says are you dach shepherd and i said yeah and i you know it's a dude on a motorcycle so my guess my i said um oh did you see chips and he goes oh no no i haven't seen that he goes no no i like your podcast and he was an arm cherry.

[2055] Oh, that's awesome.

[2056] Running into an arm cherry, like in the middle of a mountain on a fucking dam.

[2057] It was really lovely.

[2058] I love seeing arm cherries in the wild.

[2059] Yeah, I mean, truly in the wild.

[2060] This was really in the outback.

[2061] Can I say that story reminded me a little bit of a horrible, horrible tragedy that happened in my hometown.

[2062] Oh.

[2063] I think it's also maybe been on the news globally because my therapist said she thought maybe she saw.

[2064] Oh, really?

[2065] One of my very, very, very good childhood friends, her husband was murdered, and it's just...

[2066] Do they still live in Duluth?

[2067] Not in Duluth, but in another suburb.

[2068] Okay.

[2069] So, like, right there.

[2070] It's, I mean, it's just unimaginably tragic.

[2071] He was working.

[2072] And he was a golf pro and he was working at his golf course and somebody crashed onto the golf course.

[2073] And he went over to see what was going on to probably ostensibly help.

[2074] Mm -hmm.

[2075] And they shot him.

[2076] That is so crazy.

[2077] So that person was just had gone berserk.

[2078] They're crashing onto a golf course and they're shooting whoever they see.

[2079] Well, there were two dead bodies in the truck.

[2080] Oh.

[2081] my God.

[2082] It's so awful.

[2083] And they have two young children and boys and that's sort of what reminded me. But it's tragic.

[2084] There is a go -fund me for the family.

[2085] So if anyone's interested, I'm sure if you just type in, his name is Gene Siller.

[2086] Ashley, my friend, she is the person in the story about the swimming pool and dairy queen.

[2087] She's my friend.

[2088] No. No way.

[2089] She's my friend who goes and So I was like, why don't you ask Monica to be your boyfriend?

[2090] Like, that's her.

[2091] Oh, my gosh.

[2092] And we were so, so close back then and wrote in each other's diaries and we were so boy crazy at that time.

[2093] And it was all we could talk about.

[2094] And I think back to that moment, like when we were in that time of our lives and just not knowing or either of our lives was going to take us.

[2095] But just specifically because it was about boys and then she.

[2096] She met this wonderful person and I went to the wedding and it's just so sad.

[2097] It's so brutal.

[2098] It's so brutal.

[2099] I know.

[2100] It's those kind of things that make us all irrationally in search of control because these scary things happen.

[2101] They're very low percentages, but especially when you know people and you think, wow, that's a possibility.

[2102] Yeah.

[2103] Like, yeah, you spend all your time trying to convince yourself those things don't happen.

[2104] Yeah.

[2105] Mm -hmm.

[2106] And then when they do, it's very shattering.

[2107] Anyway, I just, I just thought I'd share that in case anyone's interested in helping.

[2108] And then also, you know, just as a we, you know, it's a reminder that every day is, as cliche as it sounds just so precious.

[2109] Yeah.

[2110] And we live such a privileged life.

[2111] and I'm so grateful that we get to do this every day.

[2112] Me too.

[2113] Me too.

[2114] Okay, this is for Kate Beckinsale.

[2115] Oh, boy, oh boy.

[2116] Just delighted across the board with how brilliant she was and very funny and sarcastic.

[2117] And yeah, she was great.

[2118] Did you say it on the program you did?

[2119] Okay.

[2120] Yeah.

[2121] Her in Gwinnett.

[2122] Yeah, she's in the Gwyneth category.

[2123] Yeah, where they actually glow.

[2124] But there's like something about them.

[2125] Yeah, they have like bioluminescence.

[2126] Oh, my gosh.

[2127] Yeah, and they're actually glowing.

[2128] Oh, my God.

[2129] I just learned about bioluminescence recently.

[2130] Oh, on your camping trip?

[2131] Because they're in the ocean.

[2132] Yeah, yeah.

[2133] So sometimes, right, some areas of the ocean get a lit with beautiful colors from the algae being bioluminescent.

[2134] Yeah.

[2135] Should I tell people about the last day?

[2136] Absolutely.

[2137] because, you know, yes, it's everything I liked about Howard Stern is that, you know, he didn't pretend he wasn't a brat, you know, he didn't.

[2138] Yeah.

[2139] I love it.

[2140] Like, and it's so you.

[2141] You did it.

[2142] You went camping.

[2143] Yeah.

[2144] And it was not a great sleeping situation for you.

[2145] And I think that'll further justify the next move, which I applaud.

[2146] So, yeah.

[2147] I mean, I have zero regrets.

[2148] I'm so glad I went.

[2149] We had so much fun, and Ryan had so much fun, and that's why I was there.

[2150] Yeah.

[2151] But the last day, I did stop at San Yacidro Ranch on the way home.

[2152] Which is one of the most beautiful places ever.

[2153] It's like in Santa Barbara, it's really outrageously beautiful.

[2154] They have these, like, individual cottages, and there was a, we had private hot tubs in the back.

[2155] Well, Molly joined you, which is great.

[2156] She last minute, I got there and I was like, oh my God, I...

[2157] You want to share it with someone, right?

[2158] Yeah, I was like, this is amazing.

[2159] But I was also totally happy to just be there by myself and soak in nature in a different way.

[2160] Nature was good service.

[2161] In a hot tub.

[2162] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2163] Really good food and stuff.

[2164] Oh, my God, delicious food.

[2165] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2166] Yes, so she joined.

[2167] I said, come have Eric drop you up.

[2168] So she did, and then...

[2169] And we had just like a lovely 24 -hour stay.

[2170] You guys take a lot of lovers trips.

[2171] Let's be honest.

[2172] Oh, hi.

[2173] Yeah.

[2174] And they're truly romantic destinations.

[2175] When you're at these places, the couples you're seeing are there to patch things up, you know, to reconnect.

[2176] Yeah.

[2177] Sure, sure, sure.

[2178] They have the power of helping with that.

[2179] Okay.

[2180] And I pointed out that it seemed just like such a missed opportunity if you guys didn't, you know, be romantic.

[2181] on those trips kiss snuggle right you really wanted that yeah um it didn't happen i'm sorry to say if it didn't happen there it's never going to happen because it couldn't be more romantic i'm imagining you guys are drinking wine you're in a hot tub together yeah yeah i mean you're scantily clad it's just not going to happen no but we had deep conversations as we do do you think that's a generic guy i think like you don't do you ever have the thought When Aaron and I take our special trip's like, I hope they're kissing and stuff.

[2182] No. Never think that.

[2183] Let me throw another wrench in it, though.

[2184] Okay.

[2185] What if Danny Ricardo and I take kind of a romantic trip together?

[2186] No. You won't think we should kiss?

[2187] No. Okay.

[2188] All right.

[2189] I mean, you can.

[2190] I'm totally happy if you do.

[2191] I think that's great.

[2192] But I have no skin in the game.

[2193] Like, I don't care.

[2194] Who's playing patty cake?

[2195] Yeah.

[2196] Like, how about this?

[2197] Because he and I have this long running joke, which I've told you about, which is we're going to find a very romantic bridge to walk across.

[2198] Yep.

[2199] So in the event that you saw a picture of us on this most romantic bridge, at that point would you think, that's kind of a waste they didn't kiss?

[2200] No. Okay.

[2201] Great.

[2202] Well, we solved it.

[2203] I'm putting this whole issue to bed.

[2204] Yeah.

[2205] But I also, you know, I've been single my whole life.

[2206] So I don't have that thing.

[2207] I don't have like, I'm in a romantic place.

[2208] Well, I mean, I've had to not have it, right?

[2209] Like, I'm not just going to not go to fun places because I'm not in a couple.

[2210] Like, no way.

[2211] I'm going.

[2212] Right, right.

[2213] And I'm not going to spend the whole time being like, I wish I was here with a boy.

[2214] Yeah.

[2215] I'm not doing that either.

[2216] I'm just going to enjoy myself.

[2217] Right.

[2218] Right.

[2219] So I've trained my brain.

[2220] Yeah.

[2221] You're right.

[2222] And I never went anywhere romantic without.

[2223] the express goal of making out there right so for me to be at somewhere romantic and you're not in some romantic entanglement it seems like a waste i yeah i get that yeah i mean it's again uh not to circle back to the hot tub but if it didn't happen there it's just it you know it's it's not it's not well i'm not gonna rule out hold on i have one more caveat okay if you guys ever decide to do MDMA on one of these trips, then I would say all bets are off.

[2224] I don't know what might happen.

[2225] Okay.

[2226] All right.

[2227] But you remember our last fact check.

[2228] It was literally last fact check.

[2229] You're not going to do it.

[2230] Yeah, I'm not doing it.

[2231] So, okay, I'm going to get into some facts.

[2232] Okay, great.

[2233] How tall is Vin Diesel?

[2234] Oh, great.

[2235] He's six feet according to the Internet.

[2236] Okay.

[2237] That's all I can go on.

[2238] Yeah.

[2239] We got to trust it.

[2240] You know?

[2241] Yeah.

[2242] We only know what we know.

[2243] Okay.

[2244] Oh, I know.

[2245] Let me type your name in.

[2246] Let's see if it's right.

[2247] Okay.

[2248] This is our double -blind experiment.

[2249] 6 -2.

[2250] Yeah.

[2251] Yeah.

[2252] It's kind of, it's right.

[2253] It's right.

[2254] Sometimes you're 6 -3.

[2255] Sometimes you're 6 -0.

[2256] Kristen Bell 5 -1.

[2257] That's right.

[2258] Is your height in there?

[2259] I doubt it, but let's see.

[2260] Let's see.

[2261] Oh, no. have and maintains a slim body build.

[2262] Ooh.

[2263] She stands, she stands five feet four inches.

[2264] Oh, wow.

[2265] Tall and weighs 110 pounds.

[2266] All of that's incorrect.

[2267] Wow.

[2268] They added four inches for you.

[2269] Yeah.

[2270] That's cool.

[2271] That's kind of nice.

[2272] So it is possible Vin Diesel's 5 -8.

[2273] Oh.

[2274] Because we now have an example of someone adding four inches.

[2275] But can I be, I'm not critical because this is wonderful that someone took the time to write this and say I have.

[2276] have a slim body build.

[2277] Yeah.

[2278] But it's on a website called Answersafrica .com.

[2279] Very interesting.

[2280] It's not like coming up on Google in the same way that if I type in your name or...

[2281] Okay.

[2282] It's a little deeper, it's a little bit of a deeper dive.

[2283] It's a deeper dive.

[2284] Yeah.

[2285] That's great though, people.

[2286] That's part of the mystery that we discussed earlier.

[2287] Okay.

[2288] So this is crazy.

[2289] You're going to love this.

[2290] Oh.

[2291] Oh.

[2292] Yeah.

[2293] No, go ahead.

[2294] Go ahead.

[2295] I just, I had a couple friends reach out.

[2296] In fact, Fred Raskin, who is Quentin's editor, he reached out.

[2297] He said, I just wanted you to know you're actually right.

[2298] Pee Wee Herman Adventure was before the TV show.

[2299] Oh.

[2300] Yeah, I had a few people come to my defense.

[2301] Okay.

[2302] Rightly so, neither you or I thought to question what Clinton said.

[2303] I'm sorry.

[2304] Yeah, no, it's fine.

[2305] But there's a rare case where I. You know, because I was so embarrassed by that, if you recall.

[2306] Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry.

[2307] Okay, Laura looked up unifile.

[2308] And on Urban Dictionary, this is what it says.

[2309] One who has a passion or love of high status universities, such as Harvard or Yale, coined by Dax Shepherd and Monica Padden, the two hosts of America's best podcast armchair expert.

[2310] Isn't that amazing?

[2311] One of our arm cherries obviously did that.

[2312] Oh, my God.

[2313] What a fucking feather in the cap.

[2314] Right?

[2315] It's already a 10 with just getting credit for that.

[2316] I'm at a 10.

[2317] I'm not then waiting to hear also from the best podcast.

[2318] Exactly.

[2319] It was a roller coaster of emotion because when I first started reading it, it was like, oh, it's already a word.

[2320] Right, right, right.

[2321] We didn't make it up.

[2322] Yeah.

[2323] But then coined.

[2324] That was very exciting.

[2325] Oh, wow.

[2326] Okay.

[2327] What year did John Lennon die in 1980?

[2328] Okay.

[2329] That was five.

[2330] I was negative seven.

[2331] Yeah.

[2332] You were already an egg in your mom's belly, but your dad had not made that sperm yet.

[2333] Yeah.

[2334] Assuming your mom got her eggs in her period by 1980, which I think it's safe to say she did.

[2335] She did.

[2336] She did.

[2337] We don't have to check with her.

[2338] I know that's true.

[2339] Yeah.

[2340] Okay.

[2341] How long do rabbits live?

[2342] English rabbits can live to nine years.

[2343] Hmm.

[2344] I mean, I'm sorry, not English.

[2345] European rabbits can live to nine years.

[2346] Some of these say eight years.

[2347] So around that, domestic rabbits usually live between eight and 12.

[2348] Oh, my goodness.

[2349] You'd get a dozen out of one of those things?

[2350] But that's for pets.

[2351] Yeah.

[2352] That's kind of on par with a dog.

[2353] Yeah.

[2354] Oh, my God.

[2355] Have I told you this story about the bunny?

[2356] I actually revisited this story because when Molly and I were in San Yesedra ran.

[2357] Giggling in bed next, beds next to each other.

[2358] When we were in paradise, there was this gorgeous bunny hopping around.

[2359] That's a symbol of love.

[2360] Well, even the bunny didn't spark romantic kissing or feeling.

[2361] Yeah, it's not going to happen.

[2362] But anyway, we saw this bunny and then we were talking about animals and it reminded me that when I was, I think, first grade or kindergarten or something, We had a pet bunny, and its name started with a bee, like Bacchanalia or like Britannica or something like Long started with a bee.

[2363] Okay.

[2364] And people took turns taking it home.

[2365] Oh.

[2366] And.

[2367] Oh, it was a school pet.

[2368] Yes.

[2369] Oh, my God.

[2370] I was having a hard time imagining your parents okay to pet bunny.

[2371] Oh, I'm so sorry.

[2372] I didn't say that right.

[2373] Yeah, we had a pet bunny at school.

[2374] There we go.

[2375] We had a school bunny, and kids took turns.

[2376] taking it home.

[2377] Ooh, a lot of responsibility.

[2378] And then it was my turn, and I was so excited.

[2379] It was the best day.

[2380] And then, of course, my mom comes to pick me up, and I'm like, we're ringing the bunny home.

[2381] And she was so pissed.

[2382] Uh -huh.

[2383] But she's also like, you know, a rule follower.

[2384] So she's not going to go to the school and be like, hey, we can't take care of this bunny.

[2385] No, because it would be a bad student.

[2386] Exactly.

[2387] And we've got to be a perfect student.

[2388] Yes.

[2389] Yeah.

[2390] So we took the bunny home and she's upset and there's poop and she has to, you know, the poop, she hates the poop.

[2391] And then my best friend, neighbor, Julia came over and Julia let the bunny out.

[2392] Oh boy.

[2393] It crawled under the bed and pooped all over the place.

[2394] And he couldn't get it out.

[2395] And my mom hated me from that day forward.

[2396] For the rest of your life.

[2397] And then I was telling the story to Molly and she was like, well, no wonder you don't like animals that much.

[2398] And I'm like, huh, maybe that does have something to do with it.

[2399] That totally could have something to do with it.

[2400] And I'm projecting.

[2401] If I'm going to put a lot of work into anything in the world, I want a big return.

[2402] Yeah, of course.

[2403] That's just kind of my standard, you know, like you could apply that to anything in my life.

[2404] I'm willing to put up with a lot, assuming there's a great reward at the end of it.

[2405] and I just, the affection I would receive for a bunny doesn't do it for me. Yeah, and their poops are so gross.

[2406] I thought they pooped exactly like the food they ate, like pellets.

[2407] They do, they do.

[2408] That is so weird.

[2409] It appears it just passes right through them.

[2410] It's so gross.

[2411] But I'm just saying, I wonder, and you never know, like if I approached the car with this bunny cage and my mom was like, oh my gosh, this is going to be so fun.

[2412] A little friend is spending the night.

[2413] Then I, you know, we just don't know.

[2414] No. We don't know.

[2415] I still knowing you, I still think not.

[2416] But yeah, that could be part of it.

[2417] Yeah.

[2418] Okay.

[2419] This is why I think there's more to it than just that is that you and I almost every time I'm witnessing someone going through so much work for a dog.

[2420] Yeah.

[2421] I'm basically rolling my eyes and then I will turn my head and I'll always catch you and you're in the exact same spot.

[2422] Like there's not been one time where I was having that feeling.

[2423] I didn't look over and see that you.

[2424] you were having the exact same feeling like, wow, man, this is a tremendous amount of work.

[2425] To me, it seems nearly on par with having kids, but you don't get to watch them grow up and they don't take care of you when you're ill, you know?

[2426] Yeah.

[2427] I mean, I guess for people who are, you know, really connected.

[2428] Well, no, also, we don't need to be careful because Kristen is this.

[2429] And I recognize, this is the same way I feel about Amy Hansen and Jesus.

[2430] Like, I don't believe in Jesus, but I can look at her and see that Jesus.

[2431] Jesus is in her heart.

[2432] I see it.

[2433] Similarly, I can see the value that dogs give to people, and it totally justifies it.

[2434] But for me, I just, I don't get that much out of the exchange.

[2435] I agree.

[2436] Like, I think they bring a lot of joy to a lot of, not joy, like real, true love to a lot of people.

[2437] And they're a huge part of our evolution.

[2438] That's the first animal we domesticated, and they were very useful.

[2439] So we're here in large part thanks to dogs.

[2440] Yeah, we like them.

[2441] but they are a lot of work, and they bark a lot.

[2442] Because you can't even actually come up with the scenario.

[2443] Like, you couldn't craft the perfect scenario where I would enjoy a dog.

[2444] Because you could say, like, well, what if you had someone that full -time did all the stuff you didn't want to do?

[2445] It fed it.

[2446] It picked up the poop.

[2447] It took it to the vet.

[2448] It washed it.

[2449] It vacuumed it.

[2450] The hair that's everywhere.

[2451] Still, 60 % of the time when it jumps on my lap, I'm not in the mood to have something on my lap.

[2452] Yeah.

[2453] But you would like your kid to snuggle you on your lap.

[2454] Oh, 100 % of my dad.

[2455] want my kids to jump on my lap yeah yeah but a dog no you know me I'm not attracted to neediness and I think they're they're just innately needy they are they are because they can't talk or do yeah makes me want one I could I don't know why I'm acting like I don't have dogs I mean I was about to say you've had you've had a hundred dogs since you've married Kristen none by my own doing no but you take good care of them yeah well I'm not a jerk like if I see them I give them attention and stuff.

[2456] But we got the one dog, you know, the way he shows attention is he bites your hand.

[2457] Not hard, but just I don't want dog spit all over me and teeth marks.

[2458] He has a butt rash right now.

[2459] Oh, fuck.

[2460] I'm not surprised.

[2461] His breath is so terrible.

[2462] I don't know what we do differently than other dog owners, but both of our dogs have the shittiest breath.

[2463] Fuck are they bad.

[2464] And I'll go over to the Hansons and they got that big meatball of a dog.

[2465] I know.

[2466] Fucking hammy, a bulldog.

[2467] It's just a big, huge honey -baked ham.

[2468] And his breast smells great compared to our dogs.

[2469] Yeah, but his farts.

[2470] Oh, they're unbelievable.

[2471] You can't even be in a six -mile vicinity.

[2472] I was just explaining that dog.

[2473] Oh, someone was saying their dog farted all the time.

[2474] And I said, oh, is it a bulldog?

[2475] And they said, no, why?

[2476] And I said, well, our friends have a bulldog.

[2477] And I can't even actually say that the dog farts as much as the dog leaks gas all day long.

[2478] Like, it's just seeping out of its butt.

[2479] I don't even think it's an actual fart.

[2480] No, I agree.

[2481] Yeah.

[2482] But part of it is because the tail, like.

[2483] There's no muffler?

[2484] The tail doesn't cover it.

[2485] Right, there's no filter.

[2486] Yeah.

[2487] None of it gets get caught in the tail.

[2488] I'm surprised cats don't have bad farts because of that.

[2489] Their butthole's so exposed.

[2490] Oh, there's nothing grosser than a cat butthole.

[2491] Ugh.

[2492] Okay, I want to.

[2493] All right, let's move on.

[2494] Let's move on.

[2495] Okay.

[2496] Is Mr. Belvedere dead?

[2497] Yes, he is.

[2498] His name is.

[2499] Christopher Hewitt, and he died in 2001.

[2500] Ooh, 20 years ago.

[2501] Not as a result of the belverdeering, though.

[2502] I don't think so.

[2503] Complications from the belvedereing?

[2504] I don't think so, but I haven't heard, you know.

[2505] There's some stuff about these sumo wrestlers, you know, putting their balls up in their body and stuff.

[2506] Gizmodo says that it's not true.

[2507] It's a myth that James Bond started, which, of course, you know, ding, ding, ding, because she's English, so this makes sense.

[2508] Right.

[2509] But I guess this was a novel, James Bond novel.

[2510] He goes to Japan.

[2511] Uh -huh.

[2512] Oh, no, this is fraught with...

[2513] Okay.

[2514] This is not going to hold up in 2021, but he goes to Japan and he passes as Japanese.

[2515] Oh, okay.

[2516] Yeah.

[2517] Although he is supposed to be a master of disguise.

[2518] I think that's part of it.

[2519] James Bond is getting lessons on how to be Japanese and is told by his teacher that sumo wresters can retract their testicles into their body.

[2520] But it's not true.

[2521] There's no mechanisms in your testicles.

[2522] Now, granted, it has the power to shrink and expand.

[2523] Do you know this about balls?

[2524] No. They're constantly regulating their own temperature because they've got to keep semen at a different temperature than your body.

[2525] Oh, that's interesting.

[2526] That's why when guys go in a hot tub and they come out and their balls are fucking taffy, they're like two feet from their body because the balls are generally, they're getting away from your own body temp when they're regulating.

[2527] But when they're in the hot tub, They just keep getting further and further away, even though that's not the source of the heat.

[2528] Oh, my God.

[2529] Oh, they're trying to, like, actually leave your body?

[2530] Yes, so when your balls drop, like, when it's hot out, most guys' balls get saggy.

[2531] And it's because your balls are getting away from the source of the heat, your body.

[2532] Oh, my God.

[2533] And conversely, when they're getting too cold in the winter, your test - Oh, they shrink up?

[2534] Yes, your scrotum contracts, and it brings everything close to your body to keep it warm.

[2535] Oh, my God.

[2536] I had no idea that was the reason.

[2537] We learn so much on this show.

[2538] Testicles are fascinating, the fact that they do all that.

[2539] Also, for people who don't know, testicles are ovaries.

[2540] The ovaries just extend down and become balls.

[2541] Yep.

[2542] So cool.

[2543] Bodies are cool.

[2544] Well, that's all my facts.

[2545] Those were good ones.

[2546] Well, that's a meaty fact check.

[2547] All right.

[2548] Well, we'll do another fact check on your road.

[2549] Okay.

[2550] I love you.

[2551] Love you.

[2552] Bye.

[2553] Follow arm check.

[2554] expert on the Wondry app, Amazon music, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[2555] You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts.

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