#204 - Amy Schumer

[0] experience all day that was the worst one ever DJ mix a lot I have a whole new setup today he doesn't even practice he only does it when we're live on the air that's what he learns that's when he learns what it does what does this one do yeah I'm using all new equipment today what were you giggling about well you earlier you were saying if you can't cope with altitude you know that help take one of those pills and I'm thinking about being really high up going I can't cope with this.

[1] I'm going, oh, here's some new mood.

[2] Oh, it feels better.

[3] I wonder if it would work.

[4] You never know because, yeah, when you get too high and then if you took something, how would you know if you just got over being high or if the stuff took it down a notch?

[5] You would have to be super experienced.

[6] It's too late.

[7] You know, and there's also like, you know, how much time had you taken off between that session and the last session?

[8] Because if you just take like five, six days off and then reset yourself, you can get yourself scary high.

[9] Yeah.

[10] You know, if you like, you don't realize if you get high every day that you kind of build this like weird acceptance and tolerance for the high state.

[11] But if you step off for five, six days, a week or so.

[12] It'll punch you in the neck.

[13] That's how I feel right now.

[14] Do you really?

[15] Yes.

[16] Oh, sorry.

[17] Bad friends.

[18] Listen, it wasn't my idea.

[19] I told you to just do what your instincts tell you.

[20] Both of you was like I was being hazed by.

[21] Do what your instincts tell you.

[22] I was like, I just got out of the hospital.

[23] You were like, your friends are doing it.

[24] I did not say that.

[25] I would never say it that way.

[26] The kid was begging for weed.

[27] I was like, listen, your health is number one.

[28] I was like, I really, you guys, I just got out of the hospital.

[29] You guys were like, this will answer your prayers.

[30] It's good for people that just get out of the hospital.

[31] It's medicine.

[32] Let me ask you.

[33] What did you?

[34] You said you got food poisoning.

[35] I ate a crab cake in Phoenix like a dickhead.

[36] Oh.

[37] Yeah, how's a crab you get all the way to finish?

[38] I'm such a, like, I'm like, this, this is good.

[39] And then I'm like, you know, I like knew halfway through.

[40] I was like, huh, but I'm hungry.

[41] So I powered through, like, I'm such fucking worthless.

[42] And then, and I was like really excited about my show that night.

[43] I was supposed to be at Stand Up Live and I was like all fired up.

[44] I was manic.

[45] I was in the gym with my opener and my friend Jackie.

[46] We were just like dancing.

[47] I was like, the show tonight, David Spade was going to come.

[48] I've never met him.

[49] I think he's really funny.

[50] And this, like, cute wrestler.

[51] A pro, like, WWE guy?

[52] Yeah, and I was just, like, excited for the show.

[53] And then I was like, mm -and -and -then just vacating, like, every hole in my body was getting a ton of use.

[54] And I still was like, I'll be able to do the show, like, show like, showering and puking in the shower.

[55] And then, finally, the, like, club manager came over and was like, you are dying.

[56] And they took me to the hospital.

[57] Holy shit.

[58] Yeah.

[59] And the doctor was, like, they, you know, put me on morphine.

[60] all this stuff and they were like no one never says like so they took me in the hospital the doctor's like you fucking pussy go Dr. said, had I not come in, I would have been uncomfortable for another 10 minutes now.

[61] He was like, it's good that you came in.

[62] I might have had diarrhea.

[63] Yeah, but the thing is, when you're that dehydrated, you can't drink water.

[64] You just puke and puke.

[65] I don't know how people sneak it, sneak it in, but they kept me overnight.

[66] And the woman next to me was so much worse than me. I felt bad for being there.

[67] What was her deal?

[68] Like, I never saw her, but she sounded like an old black woman.

[69] And she was like, puking and praying.

[70] So she was like, bleh, like this weird kind of.

[71] And then she's being like, don't turn your back on me, Lord.

[72] I was like, bitch, he's gone.

[73] He is gone.

[74] She was, she's definitely dead.

[75] She's definitely dead.

[76] Now, holy shit.

[77] You can really die from food poisoning, right?

[78] Like, I mean, do people, is it really rare?

[79] But I mean, yeah, you can.

[80] It happens, man. I was in Koreatown the other day, and it's really scary how many bees and even C's, I think I saw in Korea town.

[81] Like, it's not normal, like almost all the restaurants.

[82] And I asked somebody, like, why?

[83] Why is there so many Bs and Cs?

[84] And they're like, oh, because we don't have a connection.

[85] You know, like, you know, in Hollywood, it's like, hey, I got this.

[86] Here's some extra money.

[87] Look the other way.

[88] And I'm like, yeah, that's exactly how it's.

[89] Please.

[90] Yeah, we're not willing to pay them.

[91] Right.

[92] Like, it was some kind of scam.

[93] They don't trust our soap.

[94] Like, what does it take to close?

[95] You have to fail?

[96] Like, are D's opening?

[97] I don't know.

[98] I've never seen a C. Yeah.

[99] I don't think I've seen a C. I think I saw a C. What has to happen to get a C?

[100] I don't know.

[101] Somebody died in it.

[102] You have to just be the most mediocre motherfucker.

[103] If you look back to like what a C meant to you in high school, I got C's and shit that I didn't even remotely try it.

[104] That's what they didn't try.

[105] They're like, I don't know when that's from.

[106] I think it's probably still safe.

[107] We smelled it.

[108] A C?

[109] You get a C just by being there.

[110] Right.

[111] And like absorbing every 10th word.

[112] Just for having a bathroom.

[113] What the fuck, man?

[114] A C?

[115] Really?

[116] And you're allowed to keep serving food?

[117] Yeah.

[118] Well, this was an A place.

[119] I wonder, yeah, well, you know, if you go to other countries, I wonder what that would be like.

[120] If you went to Singapore and you sell those street vendors, you know, what do you think they would get?

[121] Excuse me, do you know what your rating is in Zagas?

[122] They're just like, I have no legs.

[123] You're like, oh, sorry, sorry people.

[124] A lot of that, apparently, is going on right now with food trucks, and food trucks have become, like, an artsy sort of a thing.

[125] Yeah.

[126] Like, there was a food truck festival at this mall near my house.

[127] It was crazy.

[128] It was like all these food trucks pulled up And it was like everybody had a different theme You know there was a food truck that was just waffles Just guy had crazy waffles With all kinds of different fruit toppings and shit And then another one was this You know like really healthy vegan one Another one was this wild You know Mexican And it's like what they're doing is they're getting away With having amazing food But not having to pay rent somewhere Right it's like I've seen those in like San Jose And Austin it's like a circus comes to town It's just like fill up and it's like the trendy like we don't need a like we don't need a restaurant it's kind of cool it really is kind of cool I don't want to like what do you do you stand there and well you got to yeah the problem is the lines suck it the lines are terrible so it takes 20 minutes to get everything it takes 20 minutes to get everything but you get all these different you know you're wandering around all these smells like you're walking past this dude is making fresh waffles you you smell the hot syrup of you know whatever berry sauce that he's pouring on it And then you walk by next to that, and some Mexican dude is frying up some carne asada.

[129] And you're like, God damn, that smells good.

[130] I hate seeing cultures mingle.

[131] Woo!

[132] All those smells together.

[133] Just, you know, that's when you go to a restaurant, you know, you don't get to, like, walk right by where the food is cooking that close.

[134] Yeah.

[135] And you're walking by a truck.

[136] You're like 15 feet away from when that food is cooking.

[137] It's too real for you.

[138] I love it.

[139] It's too much reality.

[140] I feel it in my bones.

[141] I think it's cool, though.

[142] I think it's cool that they can be like They can make like really cool food And they don't have to pay rent somewhere They just have to get a truck One time investment And tweet to people where they're going to be Right, that's the thing It's like speak easy Like you have to get the word Twitter is so amazing When you think about that Follow me on Twitter Here's where I'm going to be selling my burritos Bam And then it's like the cool place to go Everybody's like holy shit Yeah That's a fucking brilliant idea That is brilliant.

[143] And there's your screenplay.

[144] That's contributing even more and what, yeah, right?

[145] David Spade, you said you know him, right?

[146] Yeah, I can't, well, you know what, I just want to wait.

[147] We just, like, kind of met him.

[148] I've met him pretty good friends with him.

[149] Joe, please don't.

[150] I bet on Sandler as well.

[151] Let's get them all together.

[152] I know, several famous.

[153] Have you ever had someone trying to pitch you a terrible idea?

[154] Yeah.

[155] Yeah.

[156] Or just pitch you jokes in conversation.

[157] You're just like, oh, God.

[158] Oh, really?

[159] They try to give you jokes to say on stage?

[160] Yeah, totally.

[161] They'll just, like, just slip it in.

[162] in conversation like by the way you ever think uh and you're just like please stop let me go shower oh no my mom will do it she like your mom will come up with jokes she like yeah she did it the other day she talked about how in uh the bathrooms the automatic you know you put your hand under the paper towels they come out and she just thought it was so funny to walk around the bathroom trying to get everything and i was like mom please i'm not i'm never going to use anything you give me please that's hilarious because you imagine if you did all the shit you did all the shit you would take?

[163] What if it became your closing bit?

[164] I'm like, I love my mom.

[165] Could you imagine that your mom would never let you let it go?

[166] She would never let her go.

[167] I made your closing bit, young lady.

[168] How much did you make last year from doing your stand -up?

[169] And think about how much better it is with my closing bit?

[170] You're channeling my mom right now.

[171] Really?

[172] I just gave an accent.

[173] Yeah, I like it.

[174] I just went with general cunt.

[175] Yeah, that's what it was.

[176] There was no race behind it.

[177] Just what a cunt, I thought.

[178] in general.

[179] Such a cunt.

[180] Does your mom Harbor Secret wants to be, I'm not calling your mom a con, by the way.

[181] This is an artificial mom.

[182] I call her a cunt on stage.

[183] Is she one for real?

[184] But you know what?

[185] She's so cool because that's the only thing.

[186] Like the only rule she has for me, I'll talk about everything.

[187] Like I talk about her vagina, everything on stage.

[188] But I won't.

[189] But she's like, just don't call me a cunt if I'm there.

[190] So what I say is I'll be like, my mom's here at night.

[191] And I promised I wasn't going to call her a cunt And I'm not going to And she's still after the show I was like, thank you Thank you for not doing it I'm like, you're the best, I love you That's hilarious No, she's pretty cool with letting me talk about whatever It's one of the coolest things about having friends That are comedians And you could actually say that your mother might be a cunt And you know they're not going to be upset Oh my God, nothing No comedian even flinches I remember you did a roast And you said something about a Patrice's grandmother's asshole I was like, I thought it was was so funny because I knew that you guys were friends yeah and it's like what I that's my favorite joke to say it was really funny Sarah silverman wrote to me after that was like after a gospel brunch like that was her favorite too I was like yes that was like it was just so silly that you did it and it was so much like a bunch of comedians sitting around talking shit to each other I mean that is completely something that Brian would say if you were eating breakfast right yeah when I fucked your mother's brown dirty asshole like we're so used to yeah we're so used to each other that then when we're out in like the world I forget like last night I went up to the roof of my hotel and uh and I looked around I came out to the front and the host goes he was like oh he's like do you come in the back door and I was like what and he's like the back door and I was like are you I said are you making like an anal joke and he was like no like what and I was just like um and it was such an awful moment but I'm like I'm so I'm not used to talking to people that that wouldn't be okay to say that in front of so well that's Did you imagine if that's the first words a dude says, the back door?

[192] The back door?

[193] I'm like, maybe that's his...

[194] Ain't all right?

[195] And he's like, no. I was like, oh, right.

[196] I'm disgusting.

[197] That was his hustle.

[198] And maybe it works.

[199] Maybe it works like one out of a hundred girls.

[200] I would probably be that girl.

[201] You just catch her alone.

[202] You go to the back door.

[203] This guy knows what he wants.

[204] This guy's going to let him.

[205] This guy's a go -getter.

[206] Get in there, boy.

[207] I could see it.

[208] I could see it.

[209] But no, he was like, no. Yeah, it's tough.

[210] Yeah, it's just tough.

[211] to like be with normal people yeah people get mad when we call regular folks civilians like yeah that does a disrespect to the military this country yeah that probably that probably is a disrespect yeah we were calling them civilians before there was war yeah always called them civilians we call them civilians in the 80s when we were weren't at war and there had been no wars yet in the 80s no it never had happened all the other wars have been artificial ones right the ones that like you said the conspiracy theories there's been zero wars until this last one well could you imagine if you know you could get a culture and take everyone from like age five and below take them and kill everyone else so you take all the babies and all the really young kids that don't really know what the fuck is going on yet and then you just give them a totally fake history yeah just so like Mormons CGI yeah old writing everybody hasn't prepared yeah and that's how the Illuminati really take over the world what they do is they kill everybody but babies up to like four yeah i think after four you'd probably have some memories of some shit that went down you know but i think what you're describing is like what actually without killing people like that's what actually happens like everyone's just raised with a ton of lies yeah there's a little that and they're just like unfolding it as you get older you're like oh that was all horseshit yeah but i think that if you wanted to like really recreate a history like create a false history i think it's possible to do I mean, it sounds completely ridiculous, but if you were in a situation, like, if it was, like, after an asteroid hit and a bunch of people were killed, and there was very little resources left, and then someone decided, we're going to kill everybody but the children, and we're going to start society again with a fake history that I made up.

[212] Yeah.

[213] Which is essentially, like, with Joseph Smith, he made up a fake history.

[214] Right.

[215] Yeah.

[216] The guy created the Mormons.

[217] I love that.

[218] And that shit works.

[219] It's so funny.

[220] They had a whole state.

[221] And they're all, like, so.

[222] nice and good looking.

[223] What's the problem?

[224] I went to a Mormon funeral recently and it was the nicest, friendliest.

[225] You were allowed in?

[226] I thought to be allowed in that church you had to be Mormon.

[227] Well they were UFC fans.

[228] All bets are off.

[229] Are you serious?

[230] The religious people were like they really love my jih Tijuana.

[231] Oh my guy.

[232] I just made that up.

[233] Oh man so the real answer is I chose a Mormon.

[234] But you did go to a Mormon funeral.

[235] Yeah my friend who died you're a secret Mormon their family's Mormon so they did a Mormon thing yeah yeah it was it was a very they're so nice there's like one nice person after another and even like when you know there's there's things like when people write their own speeches especially like civilians write their own speeches you know a person who's got a regular job in society that's not like used to writing and having their stuff heard you can their ego like squeaks out your ego will squeak out when you're talking about people or the past and you know like what happened I just you know weird shit you'll find out like you know when someone reads and it's too long and verbose and you know you know and it's like there's people that I've been to a couple funerals and the grossest thing that ever happens is when someone comes up and uses that time to talk about them and talk about their relationship and how good a friend they were like justifying themselves about you know to this dead I think most people have at least a moment of that in their speech at funerals like I've only seen I've seen well actually I like we're talking about it like it's a set but I've seen Colin Quinn speak at two funerals and he does not do that but I think he's the only person I've ever seen that doesn't even have a moment of it's about well Colin's a very aware guy yeah why he's so funny and so so so smart and so so So observant, you know, when he picks things up.

[236] But what I was saying about this funeral was that no one did that.

[237] Oh, okay.

[238] It was really about the person that died.

[239] There was no, none of that.

[240] There was no, because the last funeral I'd been to was a Hollywood type affair.

[241] And I swear a guy went up that knew the dead person for fucking like three months or something.

[242] And somehow I know that he got on the podium and was like way overdoing it and connecting this guy's funeral.

[243] with the reason why the sun was in a certain position in the sky and the clouds had parted and I knew it was him it was him talking I'm like you fucking dunce get off that podium you stupid fuck you think you think he's the sun through the clouds you retard that is awful how dare you make me listen to your nonsense at a sit here and listen to this stupid fucking meandering bullshit is poorly thought out so much more offensive at a funeral yes you are the worst human and then the guy used it to announce the fucking open opening of his movie no no no yes he did and he said he tried to claim that this guy's death coincided somehow with the opening of his movie I shit you not which I feel physically miserable you don't know we were we were sitting there we were sitting there and then with the dude we knew the dude pretty well and we were sitting there it was me and and three of my friends who knew him we were just going fuck what is this guy doing like this is crazy this guy's on going on talking about give he gave about the exact date of his movie premiere.

[244] Like, what the fuck, dude?

[245] He's like, and when you go, um, he's like, when you remember this day and go on rotten tomatoes and give my movie a good rating.

[246] And I knew when the sun parted through those clouds, that was him talking to me. He's, that is so, like what?

[247] Why wouldn't he just talk to you?

[248] He can use his magic to make the clouds and the sun move.

[249] He can make the sun in a certain position and push the clouds away.

[250] He can do that, but he can't just send you like an email.

[251] How about an email from Beyond the grade?

[252] Hey, dude, I'm dead, but it's cool.

[253] I'm in heaven now.

[254] Would it be so hard to send a fucking email?

[255] No, you got to, like, move trees and shit.

[256] What are you going to do?

[257] You know, you've got to cause a lightning bolt to land on people?

[258] Have you ever had to give one of those speeches, though?

[259] Those speeches suck.

[260] I hate that shit.

[261] And it's so gross.

[262] It's not yourself.

[263] It's not your everyday person.

[264] You have to almost play a character where you're overdoing almost a...

[265] It's harder for comedians, I think.

[266] Well, I don't know.

[267] I just cried and said some shit that I believed.

[268] I didn't write anything out.

[269] I felt like if I wrote anything out, then it would just sound like horseshit.

[270] I just tried to say as much about the person that affected me, you know, what's positive about them.

[271] And then we just got to, you know, cherish our time.

[272] It's so difficult to think about the fact that your time is not, it's not permanent.

[273] You're only going to get a little bit of this shit.

[274] And you could waste it.

[275] You could waste it with shitty thoughts.

[276] You could waste it with doing.

[277] the wrong thing.

[278] You can race it with bad energy.

[279] And sometimes it takes like a death for us to realize that.

[280] I don't like going to funerals anymore.

[281] I don't like it.

[282] I don't like the feeling of being around a bunch of people who are mourning.

[283] I don't like it.

[284] There's been a few people that died comics, especially where I'm like, I don't want to be around all my friends that are also fellow comedians and sit around crying about, I don't want to do that.

[285] I don't like it.

[286] I think it's harder seeing comedians upset.

[287] And maybe it's just because I'm closer to them, but seeing like those guys.

[288] guys that I'm close to, like when they're sad, it, it feels so much worse, you know?

[289] And, but it also, like, I like, I like, I don't like the funerals, but then hanging out after and talking about them and just telling stories, because that's what we would all want.

[290] If I, if I died, when I die, I want, I want people to tell the most fucked up shit that I did.

[291] Right.

[292] You know, you want people sitting around like, oh my God, I'll never forget when he did this and because that's what we would want.

[293] So it's like, it's also a good opportunity.

[294] to just like celebrate the shit out of that person's life and tell every story and you know there was like a at least with um with betrice and uh geraldo like a like a good number of nights in a row where everyone just was going around just non -star and it felt really therapeutic and like what they would have wanted they they don't want to they want people to be upset of course but you know like just talk about maybe some stories that nobody ever heard that i did you know listen to opi and Anthony after he died yeah I went I went on day dedicated I mean like so many shows to yeah it was great I couldn't think of any other show that would respect and honor one of their favorite guests the way they did their brothers yeah the way they did it was so beautiful I love them they're the best they're the nicest fucking guys it's the best easiest radio easiest radio show to do.

[295] And fucking hilarious.

[296] In the history.

[297] Hilarious, smart.

[298] You know, like, they're not comedians, but they are just as fast, and they kill me. Anthony's a fucking brilliant guy.

[299] He kills me. He knows weird shit about weird things, and he's, you know, he's, he's a fascinating guy.

[300] He's, and Opie is too.

[301] Opie knows how to move a fucking show.

[302] God damn Norton.

[303] Yeah, and Norton is my, I believe he's the funniest guy in radio.

[304] I really do.

[305] Nobody makes me laugh consistently more than him.

[306] He's made trannies acceptable.

[307] I know.

[308] like you have access to trannies he'll just say to me and it doesn't I am so unfazed I don't know what would phase me at this point but it'll just it'll just be some story about like fucking a tranny and I'm just like like while we're eating eggs and I'm like you block it off like a bad childhood molestation you like yeah all right she sounds like she sounds like she really gets you Jimmy nobody else has ever been able to pull off the whole tranny thing but you know what also people are like well you know they like ask for advice like comedy advice and Just going on the road with Jimmy and Attal, they work so fucking hard.

[309] They're not like just sitting around doing dog shit all day, like Googling themselves.

[310] They're like writing and thinking and, you know, it's like they work harder than anybody.

[311] Well, especially when you're on the road and you're trying to piece together a new act, which I know Jimmy's had to do a couple times recently.

[312] Oh, yeah.

[313] Because whenever you put something out, you got to start all over again.

[314] Yeah.

[315] I saw him in Austin about a year ago and it was all shit I hadn't seen before.

[316] And it was fucking great.

[317] It was so funny So fun to watch And I said to him I said I was so happy I saw it and I enjoyed it so much Because sometimes I feel Self -conscious And I have so many dick jokes You have to pick in shoes Like which are my best I have like so many dick jokes But with him Every other jokes It's all dick But he finds a different way That you're like Okay I think we can take One more dick joke I'm also realized That I'm very childish In my sense of humor My favorite comedians Are Joey Diaz Joey Diaz is my all -time favorite.

[318] It's like the one guy who makes me laugh the most.

[319] And then everyone else, it's like their most childish shit.

[320] Yeah.

[321] You know?

[322] Oh, yeah.

[323] The dumbest.

[324] Yeah.

[325] I'm the same.

[326] I like my shit childish.

[327] Me too.

[328] The dumbest shit.

[329] The simplest.

[330] So when Norton's talking about someone's sucking hogs and I'm just laughing like a little like a silly high school kid.

[331] Or even what he calls someone like if he'll just use some like old -timey.

[332] I felt like a real maroon.

[333] You're like, what?

[334] Like no one talks like that.

[335] he's so funny that he's made having sex with trannies an acceptable thing that could be a scandal that could ruin your career he doesn't give a shit zero apologies zero he doesn't give a shit that's a really original thing and it's like just really isn't it what that yeah how original is that well eddie is erred i don't think edie isard as sex with tronies but he like that's pretty badass to wear didn't he do stand up in drag yeah i think that was more of a gimmick than anything because i don't even think He discussed it, did he?

[336] And now I don't think he was in talking about it.

[337] Yeah, but I mean, he didn't discuss the fact that he was wearing women's clothes.

[338] Oh, he didn't?

[339] I don't think so.

[340] I think he just went on and I could be mistaken.

[341] Yeah.

[342] Someone will correct me on Twitter, but I thought that was, that was the thing was that he would just go on stage and do his whole act dressed like a woman.

[343] Yeah.

[344] Just like to freak people out or call attention to himself.

[345] I didn't used to think that, you know, I didn't think about that guy, positive or negative, until I watched some documentary about him running all the way across the UK oh my God it was insane the fucking guy wasn't even in shape and he did like a marathon a day he did like 26 miles every day and his feet were falling apart and massive blisters and everything was like open and infected and he just would tape it up and the next day he brought a fucking marathon that's a special kind of crazy right there what are you running from Eddie no well he was running for a charity and if he got No, I'm a dickhead.

[346] You're like, actually, he was running for kids with AIDS.

[347] I'm like, fuck them.

[348] I'm telling you, it was really impressive.

[349] I mean, it was really impressive.

[350] This fucking guy ran.

[351] He, like, does his act in Arabic and French also.

[352] Does it really?

[353] Yes, he's like, I don't, I don't know.

[354] I don't understand.

[355] Wow.

[356] Yeah, there's some humbling people out there, right?

[357] Yeah, I guess.

[358] Dude, rats.

[359] I guess I haven't met him, but they've got to be out there somewhere.

[360] I'll meet somebody that'll shut me the fuck up, but not today.

[361] I'm going to be honest.

[362] I would be honest.

[363] I would be honest, never met anybody from.

[364] close to me. Or none, the best.

[365] Right here.

[366] Every time knocking it out of the park.

[367] The funniest thing is there's someone out there that thinks that way.

[368] There's a lot of people.

[369] We know a lot of people like that.

[370] I'm not, bro.

[371] I'm the best.

[372] The best.

[373] I could fix this whole country.

[374] Bro.

[375] They're doing it wrong.

[376] I'll fix NASA.

[377] I'll fix fucking Rick Santorum.

[378] Oh, my God.

[379] Fix them all.

[380] And you're like, yeah, you're the best.

[381] The best.

[382] You know what I watched the other day?

[383] Karate kid.

[384] The best of the best.

[385] Have you ever seen the best of the best?

[386] No, it was an Eric Roberts movie from like 1989.

[387] Oh, my God.

[388] What is it?

[389] It's a karate movie.

[390] They're in a karate tournament with some other dudes.

[391] And, you know, they have all these crazy karate fights.

[392] Did he learn how to do karate?

[393] Very rudimentary movements.

[394] Oh, come on, Roberts.

[395] That's what happened to him.

[396] That's why he disappeared for a while.

[397] Yeah, I mean, it doesn't look like you really learned.

[398] It's not like, you ever see like Michael Jai White?

[399] You ever see that guy?

[400] The guy who played Mike Tyson in that movie about Tyson.

[401] You ever seen the movie Spawn?

[402] I haven't seen any of these movies.

[403] Big, muscular black guy.

[404] Did you ever see 27 dresses?

[405] No, what do we think?

[406] I'm just kidding.

[407] Is this the area?

[408] I'm totally kidding.

[409] Dude, this is such a terrible, terrible movie.

[410] I've never even heard of it.

[411] Tommy Lee, they couldn't come up with a different name.

[412] Nah, I think this was before Tommy Lee was famous.

[413] You know, back then Tommy Lee was still in Motley crew.

[414] but I bet a lot of people didn't know.

[415] Yeah, James Earl Jones.

[416] A lot of good people are in it.

[417] There's the 80s token hot chick with the 80s.

[418] There's a bunch of respectable actors in this movie.

[419] It's one of the reasons why it's such a hunk of a shit.

[420] This guy went on to open a C -rated restaurant.

[421] A Korean barbecue, perhaps.

[422] This guy's knocking it off the charts.

[423] This isn't a scene with Aaron.

[424] Robert unfortunately because these guys probably actually know martial arts watching Eric Eric Roberts was my favorite on celebrity rehab did you see that I didn't see that one why what was his deal what like what was his drug just pot that's it what what a so he was so he was on his agents like uh in the morning he'd be like looking at the paper twiddling his little foot around yeah drinking a cup of coffee other people have shakes and they're like my family isn't talking to me he's like I'm a little hungry other people like I just got to go outside, meet some friends real quick.

[425] Yeah.

[426] Oh, my God.

[427] He's like, oh, come on, stay with the program.

[428] I'm gutting it out.

[429] He's gotting it out.

[430] He escapes and goes to Chipotle.

[431] That's all.

[432] You can't get off your morphine?

[433] I'm gutting it out.

[434] I haven't even touched weed.

[435] I haven't touched weed in three days.

[436] Oh, you're so strong.

[437] You don't think I'm in pain right now, man. You're so strong, Eric.

[438] You don't think I'm hurt on the inside right now.

[439] Don't turn your back on me, Lord.

[440] It became some weird therapeutic thing where he had his stepson and his stepson came on the show and oh my god the stepson hated him for how he treated him like oh god damn too much well you know you realize and this is this is a reality of a lot of there's a reason why a lot of people famous people's kids become crazy yeah it's because when you're like a movie star you go places for months at a time right you know if you're eric roberts i mean And I guarantee you that guy had to go places when that guy was a kid.

[441] I mean, I don't know if he took his family with him.

[442] I don't know how he rocked it.

[443] But a lot of people just go places.

[444] I know folks that leave their family behind for months.

[445] It seems like that's how it used to be.

[446] But now everybody's so aware and sensitive.

[447] I can't believe that shit still happens.

[448] Oh, it still happens for sure.

[449] Yeah.

[450] I think it happened a lot, though, back in the day.

[451] I mean, there's a lot.

[452] I mean, I don't want to name any names because I'm not trying to judge here.

[453] Well, like, who are you talking about?

[454] I'm just looking at it objectively.

[455] Effectively, like when you look at all these famous kids of, say, like, people who are famous in the 70s and the 80s, then their kids become adults and complete fuck -ups.

[456] There's a goddamn laundry list of them.

[457] It's a big...

[458] It's almost all of them.

[459] It's incredible.

[460] Yeah.

[461] So you've got to think, like, what happened there?

[462] How did this go wrong?

[463] How can this be avoided?

[464] Right.

[465] You know, this is, this is, something's going wrong here and the mechanism of raising a human under, you know, this job.

[466] What is it?

[467] Is it the distance, the time away?

[468] Is it the unfair and weird treatment that you get?

[469] Just having a parent that's a huge narcissist probably isn't awesome.

[470] Yeah, that probably isn't awesome.

[471] Yeah.

[472] It's probably not the best.

[473] Remember Mommy Dearest?

[474] What a fucking scary movie that was.

[475] God damn.

[476] That movie scared the shit out of me. That Faye Dunaway is a badass bitch.

[477] So good.

[478] Damn, she was a badass bitch.

[479] You believed it with every fucking ounce of your soul.

[480] Wasn't it Joan Collin?

[481] Which one?

[482] Fade Dunaway.

[483] Oh, Fade Dunaway was there another one, right?

[484] Yeah.

[485] Who was, which one, wasn't it, Mommy Dearest?

[486] Was it Joan Collins?

[487] I don't think so.

[488] I thought so.

[489] Yeah, Fade Dunaway was like, wasn't she like Bonnie and Clyde?

[490] You might, no, well, I think she was.

[491] No, it's Fade Dunaway.

[492] Was in Mommy Dearest?

[493] Yeah, Faye Dunaway's Mommy Dearest.

[494] Yes, oh yeah.

[495] Oh, it's about, oh, my God, I'm looking at the picture.

[496] I know you remember this.

[497] Of course it's Fade Dunaway.

[498] Look at that shit.

[499] No more Waya!

[500] Oh, my God.

[501] Oh, my God.

[502] If you haven't seen this movie And you want to know how crazy Actresses really are capable This is a real Did she win an Oscar?

[503] She must have.

[504] She must have That she went, she did it She went deep.

[505] If she didn't win an Oscar, the Oscars are bullshit.

[506] If she didn't win an Oscar for that I'm moving to Canada if she didn't win an Oscar for that Right now Get my backs, Brian I'll consider Hawaii I am at least going on a couple days to St. Lucia Okay St. Lucia?

[507] What's that?

[508] Oh, I just want to I went there with my sister.

[509] Oh, was an island or something?

[510] You went there with your sister?

[511] Yeah, we went to, I did not know that Sandals was a couple's resort.

[512] Oh, so you looked like those boys.

[513] Everyone just thought we were raging dykes the whole time.

[514] Wow.

[515] And we looked like twins, so we looked like the most narcissistic lesbians ever.

[516] Like, we saw each other to bar like, huh, hey, I like how you look.

[517] Everyone hated us.

[518] It was all, did you?

[519] Did you know Sandals was all couples?

[520] Like, does that marketing reached you?

[521] it did not reach me either I didn't really actually know I actually have thought about like hey let's go do like an all resort thing where they pay you pay one thing you don't have to pay all inclusive we that's what we did and she's married I'm single I'm not trying to hook up with like you know like an islander but whatever but it was a hundred percent couples we were the only people and it was really uncomfortable because people are either mad we were there or way overly talking to us so that we knew how tolerant they were of lesbians like they'd be like stop having so much fun you too and I'd be like thank you for accepting our lifestyle we're sister like but we did every we did everything we were the biggest assholes we did everything that the couples did so we like went to all the like dinners and like the photo shoots inside like a heart -shaped rose petals on the beach like we held each other I put some pictures on Twitter but it was it was pretty brutal Should have finger blasted her.

[522] Oh, I fucked her.

[523] She got good and fucked.

[524] Deep in that muff.

[525] Sorry, sorry.

[526] This is not just lesbian sex.

[527] It's incest.

[528] A lot of Game of Thrones.

[529] Anything goes at this point.

[530] I just started watching it.

[531] I just started last night.

[532] How far are you?

[533] Just first two episodes.

[534] Oh, I'm jealous.

[535] I bought the DVD.

[536] I was at the...

[537] Yeah, you've seen it?

[538] Dude, it's good.

[539] Did you like the wire?

[540] I never saw that.

[541] Listen, bro.

[542] Get out of here.

[543] It's what Conan the Barbarian should have been.

[544] Oh, really?

[545] That's what it is.

[546] The show is so good.

[547] I'm so jealous.

[548] They have so much time to work.

[549] See, when you go to that Conan movie, they had good intentions, but you can't tell Conan's story in an hour and a half.

[550] The real Robert E. Howard books were these long sagas of adventure and betrayal and sorcery and, you know, and fucking demons and sword fights and shit.

[551] In like two hours.

[552] You can't do that in a movie, man. The only way you're going to rock that is if you have a series like this Game of Thrones.

[553] It is the best.

[554] It's fucking good, dude.

[555] It's a good show.

[556] At least the first two episodes are.

[557] Oh, no, it gets better and better.

[558] I want more, I want more fucking supernatural, you fucks.

[559] Yeah, they really come hard with the supernatural.

[560] Well, yeah.

[561] Come on.

[562] You start off the whole show with that.

[563] You get me all roped up in your supernatural.

[564] I want to see a little bit more of this.

[565] Give him a supernatural.

[566] This is what I'm looking for.

[567] A little less incest.

[568] Oh, see, that's where we disagree.

[569] I want more incest also.

[570] No, it's...

[571] You like the wild brother and sister fucking.

[572] Like, I like being surprised.

[573] Like, when that, you're like, what?

[574] You're just like, is this happening?

[575] Which, by the way, there probably is how they used to do it.

[576] Yeah.

[577] Oh, it gets, incest gets even crazy on that show.

[578] Oh, I don't even want to know.

[579] And that's that's reality, by the way.

[580] That's what people were doing.

[581] They were fucking their sisters up until like a week ago.

[582] I was in Birmingham.

[583] That shit is still going on.

[584] I saw some eyes placed.

[585] God knows where.

[586] People are fucking whatever they can, you know?

[587] And if you can fuck your sister and no one's going to know.

[588] Hey.

[589] Save gas.

[590] Fuck your sister.

[591] Where is that bumper sticker?

[592] Listen, let's make a deal.

[593] You want some dick.

[594] I want some pussy.

[595] I got a dick.

[596] You got a pussy.

[597] God damn.

[598] Why we got to outsource?

[599] I really wonder how many relationships there are like brother's sister relationships.

[600] I bet it's a lot.

[601] It's really like the ultimate form of nationalism.

[602] No, everywhere.

[603] Like in the whole United States, I bet there are a lot of brothers and sister relations.

[604] It's the ultimate form of keeping it local.

[605] Keep it real.

[606] Keep it local.

[607] Keep it in the face.

[608] Local products.

[609] Really, it's a sick feeling, right?

[610] Incess is a sick feeling, right?

[611] The idea that people would do that, maybe that's why the idea of nationalism is such a bizarre fucking feeling.

[612] Does that make sense?

[613] Nationalism?

[614] Yeah.

[615] Someone really being into being from one country.

[616] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[617] Keep it local.

[618] American made.

[619] Right.

[620] Made right here.

[621] I pay it a little more.

[622] There's a Toby Keith song that's Made in America, and it's all about you pay a little more, but it's made in America.

[623] Oh, relax, Toby.

[624] Chill, Tobes.

[625] I would like it if it was made America by people.

[626] No, there's another guy who is.

[627] Oh, Urban.

[628] Keith Urban.

[629] I'm way up on the country.

[630] I wouldn't mind if things were made in other countries if I thought the people were getting paid.

[631] The only thing about America is like if you buy a Corvette, you know that someone's got a pension.

[632] You know that the people that are making are in the auto union, you know, you really do know how much they get paid.

[633] You can find out.

[634] Yeah.

[635] You buy Nike's, you know, it's like some child, they bound their fingers so they wouldn't grow yeah if you buy um like foxcon products if you buy iPhones or a lot of other cell phones you know there there's a huge debate right now they're trying to figure out how how to straighten this out in the eyes of the people because they've had a ton of suicides and you know their thoughts are foxcon yeah they've had a lot of suicides so much so they've had install suicide nets what they have suicide nets at the foxcon building and people will try to talk you through this is making me laugh this is so hilarious people like well statistically that's actually less than the number of suicides in the population in that area.

[636] And you're like, first of all, that's, that's a ridiculous thing.

[637] Because what you're saying is that the whole time they're alive when they would commit suicide.

[638] No. How many people kill themselves at work?

[639] At work.

[640] At work.

[641] In the place that they hate the most.

[642] Yeah.

[643] That's, you're talking about a completely different experience.

[644] No, that's insane.

[645] You're talking about people that are living on campus.

[646] Hed sucker proxy.

[647] Throwing themselves off the fucking roof.

[648] smashing their brains onto the concrete to end the connection we don't we can't find the connection that is statistically less than would be had they been slaves so sick yeah it's it's weird but that's the only way you're going to get a cell phone they don't know there's no other way I mean no they they've tried to figure out how to you know make them in other countries and I know they started making iPhones in Brazil they make some stuff in Korea you know South Korea where they you know they They don't have anything remotely like what they got going on in China.

[649] Would you ever hire Foxcom for like a small job, like stuffing envelopes or something like that?

[650] Because lately I was wondering really how cheap it would be if I just had him do like small things.

[651] Well, there's a lot of people that start factories in China.

[652] And they start factories in China.

[653] Like I know a dude who makes pool cue cases out there and he lives in China.

[654] Yeah.

[655] And I guess, I don't know why you decide, but he's an American guy.

[656] And they, you know, their manufacturing is, like, good out there, and get good skilled craftsmen, and, you know, it's way cheaper for them.

[657] And they can make a ton of profit, you know.

[658] And I think a lot of them get over there, and they actually like it, too.

[659] So, I don't know, but it's, I don't, I just don't, I don't think there's a way.

[660] Yeah, they like living in China.

[661] I think a lot of white guys do.

[662] Whatever I've talked to a bunch of white guys that have been to China, and they say that Chinese girls are like, whoa, this is weird.

[663] Look at this white guy.

[664] I like them.

[665] I think it makes sense.

[666] I think, like, all dudes are going to wind up with Asian chicks.

[667] Really?

[668] Yeah, like.

[669] How many dudes have you lost to Asian chicks?

[670] Well, I haven't lost anybody.

[671] But, no, no, one guy that I dated for, like, years is engaged to.

[672] Well, she's Indian, but that's Asia.

[673] But it makes sense.

[674] Like, there was, like, a whole wave of, like, black chicks being like, white women are taking our men, and they, like, have asses or something.

[675] but now it's like I don't think we're a real threat I think the Asian chick is where everybody's going to wind up It's like going back to an iPhone 3 to an iPhone 5 Yeah it's like I have nothing I can't compete with an Asian chick There is nothing grosser than that white women White women are taking our men attitude I know The idea that you can't like who the fuck you like And that black guys are supposed to like you Yeah supposed to like you more That attitude is the very reason why white girls are preferred by those black guys Because white girls aren't going to be as crazy That I mean is angry and you know Why this motherfucker got to go out with white girls It's like being mad like oh if that card pulled up more I could have part like somebody else would have still got in that space Like that black guy does not want you regardless It's weird how open that racism is In comparison to the other way around Don't they know we've been through so much If it was the other way around And people, you know, if it was a bunch of White girls that were complaining That some girls getting fucked by a black guy Yeah You know, that would be, you know That would be a completely different thing That would be like KKK And that's just like, you know Hey crimes It's interesting that it's, you can say Like, why these white women Gotta fuck my man You can say that you're a black chick But I do think with I have no anger about the Asian chick thing But I do think Like I'm half joking but it makes sense like the guys gravitating toward them because just the way it used to be like you used to be with a man because like he made a living and you kind of needed him and you looked at him like, I need you.

[676] I like how you lowered your voice.

[677] I was like, I feel like that's how like women talk.

[678] They're just like, I love you.

[679] Do you want dinner?

[680] You know, I'm like, what about me?

[681] But Asian chicks, you know, like they're from Asia.

[682] This isn't their this isn't their first language.

[683] and they come here and they kind of need you and they're like quiet and they like have smaller pussies oh so what is really small what am i what am i going to bring to the table i've got zero like i've got you're like getting happy you're like i need an asian chick this Asian girl in high school her name was i don't know if i just say there's now her name was no canami which was also a video game company in the 90s which so she's why do you say her name uh because he's he was trying to find her he wants her back in his life because maybe I've changed it to a different video game company but it was a popular big huh it was a video game company that was popular in the 90s her name was donkey con no but but all the boys or boys the guys liked her because of video games were really popular in the 90s so she had like this extra kind of glow to her and people because of her name yeah that's I think you're crazy and she told me what she told me she told me once grew up in a test city yeah the government The government literally would test the humans.

[684] It's true.

[685] It's true.

[686] It test them.

[687] And I'm pretty sure parts of his life were actually artificially created by the government.

[688] That explains a lot about you.

[689] Yeah, he's like a test subject.

[690] He got cereal that no one else got.

[691] I think you're failing the test, Brian.

[692] No, there's no failing.

[693] He is what he is.

[694] He cannot fail that test.

[695] Oh, look how sweet you are with him.

[696] That's true.

[697] He can't fail that test.

[698] The government just wants to know what's going on in there.

[699] So Konami told me that that.

[700] that their pussies are tighter because they kneel all day.

[701] Because they kneel all day.

[702] And it tightens up the pussy.

[703] Do you guys, do you mind if I do the rest of the show from, no, I started dealing?

[704] Are we going under our desk?

[705] She's trying to tighten up her pussy?

[706] You guys, do you mind if I just take a quick, can we just move this bike down?

[707] No. Yeah, I don't think.

[708] Did you imagine if that's all you had to do?

[709] And women just found that out so they started kneeling.

[710] Kneeling all over the place.

[711] I'm on the subway.

[712] Like, oh, no, I don't need a seat.

[713] Just trying to keep Bob happy.

[714] it'd be like a big joke yeah you wouldn't be able to hide it you know yeah like when you get fake tits you can't pretend you didn't get fake tits no one day you're flat and the next day they're huge hey I'm just trying to keep my husband happy yeah that's the same thing you do and you kneel everywhere I don't know is that what it is I don't know I don't there's a lot of different reasons I'm sure forgetting implants yeah oh god I'm not doing it I think I'm never gonna get any work done no um you don't need to well well I mean like I I drink so I'm probably gonna age like dog shit But I'm just going to let you hit the fan.

[715] Yeah, you've got to just let it ride, Tower Reed style.

[716] Maybe shave off a little off your shoulders.

[717] Well, you have, like, it looks like you have like those things in like a suit jacket, the cushions, but in your shoulder.

[718] But in my shoulder?

[719] Yeah.

[720] It looks like what are they called the shoulder pads.

[721] It looks like you have shoulder pads in your shoulder.

[722] So maybe just get a little bit shaved off right there.

[723] Well, I play volleyball.

[724] Oh, that's wrong.

[725] You're telling her to get her shoulder shaved off?

[726] Can you imagine if it was that easy?

[727] It's like you've got too much muscle here.

[728] We're just going to carve this away.

[729] Do you imagine People do that stuff No I played volleyball And I think like that it I like I like Eat a dick, Brian I was just kidding All right Let's talk about your flaws He doesn't like to be around women That he's pretty sure to kick his ass That's really what fucks him up We had Ronda Rousey in here She know who she is No Strike Force women's MMA champion Oh shit She's a beast I like those chicks I'm like so subservient to her He's scared to give her a hug.

[730] And she's like, get over here.

[731] You didn't give me a hug.

[732] You didn't give me a hug.

[733] Well, I used to do it at the end, like a proper gentleman.

[734] At the beginning, I don't do a hug.

[735] No, I hate it.

[736] I hate that.

[737] Where were you?

[738] He was so cute.

[739] It was adorable.

[740] He was so terrified of her.

[741] It was like he was in the room with a tiger that he wanted a pet, but he was too scared to.

[742] Aw.

[743] That's exactly what it was like.

[744] Ronda, by the way, one of the coolest fucking people you ever made.

[745] She's strikingly beautiful.

[746] She's very, very pretty.

[747] I want to see a picture of her.

[748] Can you pull a picture of her?

[749] picture of her?

[750] Yeah.

[751] She's gorgeous.

[752] She's sweating.

[753] It's not even a debate.

[754] She's a 10.

[755] She's a total 10.

[756] And she's a killer.

[757] She was a women's Olympic judo medalist.

[758] She meddled bronze in the Olympics.

[759] I think she was the first woman to ever win a medal in the Olympics in judo.

[760] Is she married?

[761] For America.

[762] No. Did you guys, did anybody go for it?

[763] Nobody busted a move.

[764] Why not?

[765] Well, I'm married and Brian is terrified of her.

[766] Do you want naked or not?

[767] Eddie Bravo is getting married.

[768] Um, I'll take naked.

[769] Yeah, get her in her underwear so we can see.

[770] What's up?

[771] She's hot as far.

[772] Wow.

[773] Yeah, that's a, that's a killer.

[774] She's so beautiful.

[775] Oh my God.

[776] And she's so nice.

[777] And she's just like a badass.

[778] Can I see an action shot?

[779] Oh, dude, what's that?

[780] Press conference.

[781] She broke the girl's arm in her last fight.

[782] Oh, my God.

[783] She got her in arm bar.

[784] The girl, the girl didn't tap and so she snapped her arm.

[785] Oh, my God.

[786] I love her.

[787] Yeah, she's a fucking beat.

[788] She looks young.

[789] She is young.

[790] She's only 25.

[791] Damn.

[792] Oh, my God.

[793] Don't put.

[794] I don't want to see her butthole Brian please clean up your act this is a it was just Easter That's not her either.

[795] That's me. That's thank you That's a different girl.

[796] That's really that's but her that's her to the right.

[797] That's her to the right of that picture I want to see her like an action down go down but come on that's a hot chick.

[798] It's hard to believe that that's a killer Grow go down to that picture dude.

[799] Oh you're gonna do a video okay Yeah, I want to see her like fucking somebody up I don't think you're gonna find the video No, I just do a highlight reel she comes out with a pink eon.

[800] Oh my God I love her What a nightmare A hot chick That can beat the fuck out of here When is she coming back on Joe?

[801] I love her I don't know We'll work on something She just won the title I think I'd like to do this stuff Look at this Snap I don't watch this That's a whole She's broken A couple girls' arms I'm just gonna look at you Amy Instead I'm just gonna look at you Amy Eyes What a consolation prize What a shitty She's a beast She is I love her She Look at her She's a badass at fucking judo Look at that And this is her This is her singing the song also Is that it?

[802] No it's not You asshole She actually filmed And edited this herself Swecy's arm bars This is nasty shit See in judo They stand you up Way quicker than they do In MMA or even in Jiu Jitsu They don't really stand you up Usually in Jiu Jitsu But in Judo They have to go for their submissions Really quickly Because once they get to the ground They've got to get a submission on before the referee gets to them.

[803] And she developed the ability to snap arm bars on people with lightning speed.

[804] And I don't think any of these girls are ready for that shit.

[805] She's so good at it.

[806] Everybody else takes way more time to go for shit.

[807] She's just got a few techniques, like especially arm bars, just completely locked down.

[808] And when you roll with her, it's almost just a matter of time before she gets one of those on you.

[809] Because you're probably not used to anybody having the kind of submissions.

[810] that she has where they just she explodes on you she's strong as fuck and she's super technical look at that arm bar you see how do you see how watch that but just back that up a second there's like no space in between her body and that girl's face as she moves around when she locks this chick down she starts beating on her and as soon as she has this arm watch that see how fast that goes she swung that leg over her face she knew exactly where her face was clamp that shit down there was no air in there that was death there was no getting out of that.

[811] I just think she's really pretty.

[812] Look at her pouty lips, yeah.

[813] If she wanted to make out with you, would you go Lesbo for a little bit?

[814] Yes.

[815] You would?

[816] Yeah.

[817] Wow.

[818] I think you would have to.

[819] Yeah, I've never hooked up with a girl, but I get like major girl crushes.

[820] I've, you never hooked up with a girl, but you're open to the idea.

[821] Do you want to?

[822] I hope I'm like at least hook up with a girl, but at least once.

[823] I can arrange that.

[824] Like, look, the hottest girls ever.

[825] I can let you choose from a book.

[826] No, I like girls like that.

[827] You got to get crabs.

[828] I'm going to get crabs.

[829] I'm going to get crabs.

[830] Oh, yeah.

[831] Oh, yeah.

[832] Mr. Lobster Brian over here.

[833] No, I'm not letting you set me up.

[834] I'm not letting you.

[835] All you can eat me. You're not setting me up with anybody.

[836] Yeah, I would say, no, don't let him do that.

[837] No, that's not happening.

[838] Come to me, I'm your filter.

[839] I'm going to be real with you.

[840] I'm going to be real with you about this whole lesbian thing.

[841] I trust.

[842] I trust.

[843] I'm going to go camping this week.

[844] Not even a little bit.

[845] We're the ones who got you high.

[846] I remember.

[847] That's why you're so happy right now.

[848] I sold a bruise from the IV in my arm.

[849] And you guys are like, you need this.

[850] And I was like, no. And then I said, yes, right before you blew all the smoke in my face.

[851] I could tell you were going to do that.

[852] I was like, just give it to me and don't blow this smoke in my face.

[853] Fuck, you guys are the worst friends.

[854] Aren't you glad you did?

[855] It felt good, right?

[856] You don't feel sick or anything?

[857] No, I feel fine.

[858] This weed is so strong that we hot box Fitzsimmons back here and he went on stage high and he couldn't remember his act.

[859] Oh, I would love to see him high.

[860] Did you see it?

[861] Yeah.

[862] I've been high with Greg before.

[863] I would love to see he's essentially, I don't know if he talks about.

[864] I know he was smoking pot for a little while, but then he stopped doing that too.

[865] But he went from when I met him, he was an alcohol.

[866] when we were like 21 together and then he um he quit it like instantly just cold turkey wow yeah no a a did he have something happened no i just decided to just fucking up his life yeah you know it's pretty smart about it but then later he realized that he could smoke pot you know because if you talk to like a dr drew type character they'll tell you can't do that they'll tell you that you can't what you can't indulgent any substances yeah but some people even have you know look i don't want to ever in encourage anybody to even try this but I know that some people used to be alcoholics took a long time off drinking and then began drinking casually really yes I know people have done it yeah well I think so I think there's different levels of alcoholism that's what we have to realize and there's some physiological connections like where there's some people they just have that gene whatever that wacky gene is and they can't drink at all or they will go off they'll go off the rails.

[867] And then there's other folks that it was a compulsion and it could have been beating off.

[868] It could have been gambling.

[869] It could have been a million different things but it happened to be drinking.

[870] Yeah.

[871] And then they realized that this is an issue that they have with their own psychology and then slowly over time they evolve it and then one day they're at a party and they have a glass of wine and they're fine and they don't want to go out and get cocaine and beat people up and you know, wind up in jail.

[872] So many comics don't drink.

[873] So like because they are you know, because they went too hard.

[874] alcoholics, yeah.

[875] Yeah.

[876] Yeah, I feel like most of the time I'm like the only comic drinking.

[877] Well, I'm happy when I see a guy like, Atel.

[878] Atel seems like so focused now.

[879] But Norton has been clean though since he was 19.

[880] But I, I like...

[881] Very much like Smith Simmons, really.

[882] Yeah.

[883] I think Norton was on a bunch of different shit.

[884] Was he?

[885] I never knew.

[886] I never knew any of those guys when they were boozing.

[887] I wonder what, even, I knew Atel a little bit, but I never saw him like wasted or anything.

[888] like that yeah i've seen him wasted i've seen him wasted at the improv yeah it's nice to see a guy figure out well this isn't not good for me yeah this probably better to not let me just take this back a notch up in an alley yeah i've always been this even when i was a drinker you know like when i when i didn't smoke pot and i only would you know drink on weekends or whatever it would do it was never um something that i had to do i just could do it or not do it yeah but we all know somebody that's not like that we all know that one dude that's just itching for that drink all day fun to be around them it's the worst when they get off and then they they they start drinking like right away and they don't realize that it's not like that for you right you know like I my friend who who's now sober like we would go out and you'd be like let's get a shot in a beer and I'd be like okay and then right away he's like all right no shot and you're like oh drinking's different for us like I'm not there's shot people I didn't even want to do a shot well especially on Tuesdays yeah yeah it's like those Tuesday drunks that's a you know I'm more of a light beer miller light drinker you know like i'll just drink like it's almost like water you know to me yeah it's just like i like a beer midwest style i like i like doing shots too and we have shows and stuff and we're just all being you know hanging out and paling around but just drinking for the sake of drinking i kind of got tired of that a long time ago you know drinking does facilitate great conversation though you have some fucking fun loose conversations when you're around a bunch of people that can handle their liquor yeah you know you know you have three or four beers and everybody starts laughing and being friendly as long as you're only around that you know but one person in the mix that's just a like just has that kind of zombie just difference it's it's it ruins it like I and we're so so sensitive to other people's you know like energy yeah that if there's that one person and and it's also the same kind of people where it's just like never enough for them you'll be out till four in the morning and you're like all right and they're like you're leaving now you're like yeah because I'm like Like an adult, I'm trying to live with my life.

[889] Yeah, I really don't like the really pushy 5 o 'clock in the morning party people.

[890] It's an after hours, come on.

[891] I've been doing that lately, though, like last week or so.

[892] But it's just comedy store shit.

[893] Because Comedy Store, they go rocking all night long, man. Don Barris is on stage just doing crazy shit.

[894] Once in a while, I think that's fun.

[895] Yeah.

[896] Yeah, but I don't know.

[897] That was always the best part about the comedy store.

[898] Late night hanging that back parking lot.

[899] Yeah.

[900] And I said that back parking lot should be a goddamn sick.

[901] come.

[902] It should be.

[903] Is it a comedy store like the seller?

[904] Like is that we're comics like not really because the ownership is a mess and the people running it are a mess.

[905] But the what the place is though, what it represents is like, you know what I mean one of the oldest clubs in the country, one of the oldest in Hollywood and with great history of like so many comedians so many comedians started out there and I started out there really.

[906] I mean I didn't start out there but I got good there that's where I became a real comedian the comedy store for sure.

[907] I had done it before that but I think it was my time at the comedy store when I was just on TV when I really started dedicated myself to stand up that that was the that's the place that helped me develop because it's so fucked up there Ari and I were just talking about this last night that um you know he was talking about how he just started uh Ari's got like Ari Shafir's all these headlining gigs now he's fucking selling places out and he's really because of this podcast yeah yeah it's because of this podcast and his podcast it's just really what it was is just really what it was is just people weren't aware of them, you know, and now they're aware of them now.

[908] And I've talked about him with, I'm like, it's so good that it's happened to you now because you've been doing stand -up for 10 years.

[909] He's ready.

[910] Yeah, he's ready.

[911] And he's being in front of the craziest crowds ever.

[912] He's been in front of my crowds, which are like UFC fans.

[913] It was first, it was UFC fans.

[914] Then it became podcast fans who were just fucking savages.

[915] Yeah.

[916] You know, and then it's the store.

[917] He's at the store in front of maniacs.

[918] I mean, it's the, that is like the, the, the, the, the, the vortex on sunset where all the nutty fucking people come I mean Brian Lee homeless Brian used to film people backstage and then we filmed like a hooker came back and told her exactly told us exactly how she ran her business and like explain some stuff to we had a guy come back that told us he was the holy spirit I mean like every week we would meet some new fucking crazy person people are crazier here they're really crazy that sunset strip is the epicenter of crazy in this country that sunset strip there was a dude you're scary do you ever see the dude it's at the store that comes by with the cross he he puts himself on a cross he's not he doesn't come around anymore now we actually have a way better jesus oh he's a nice guy uh hollywood jesus yeah he did a hollywood jesus yeah he would they would they would have these kids and they would all be like like yelling out different passages in the bible while one guy was strapped to a cross a wooden cross and they were walking down the street with him saying he died for your sins he died for it was fucking crazy and they would always stop right in front of the store and proselytize they would stop right there they would figure well this is the place we're going to fix the world right here we're going to find these fucking dirty comedians smoking pot the worst yeah the worst yeah the worst entertainers the most depraved entertainers in l .A for sure stand -up comedians at the store and they would stop by and yeah it was a really really bizarre place it would have made for an amazing uh they tried to do a reality show on it, but it was mostly just following Polly around.

[919] It was fake realities.

[920] Pauli who?

[921] Polly Shore.

[922] Remember him?

[923] Yeah.

[924] I saw him.

[925] I saw him last night.

[926] Did you?

[927] Yeah.

[928] Was he nice to you?

[929] Yeah.

[930] Did you guys hug or did you just shake hands?

[931] No, just kissing on the lips.

[932] What did you do?

[933] How'd you deal with it?

[934] Do you hug or shake hands?

[935] Huh?

[936] Hug or shake hands?

[937] Um, shake hands?

[938] No, I think I just said hi.

[939] I don't even just high.

[940] I don't even like a little.

[941] I don't remember though.

[942] I could be totally wrong.

[943] You don't remember?

[944] You might have been raped again.

[945] I'm not thinking.

[946] Did you might have been.

[947] Did you take a dick last night, Brian?

[948] Sometimes UFOs pick him up in the middle of the night because he's part of the Columbus thing.

[949] You leave Columbus, but you never really leave Columbus because the aliens will come and do additional research on you.

[950] So that's Brian's game.

[951] Like Columbus, Ohio?

[952] Yeah.

[953] Exactly.

[954] Which I'll be there May 17th.

[955] Yeah, you've got to be there with Joey Diaz.

[956] It's a Joey Diaz and Brian Redband World Tour.

[957] Yeah, and we just had the second show because the first show sold out, so go to Descold .com.

[958] Oh, shit.

[959] Oh, can I say something?

[960] My man's selling out.

[961] Can I say a thing?

[962] Yeah, go ahead.

[963] Say your thing.

[964] What's up?

[965] I don't know.

[966] I'm looking at my phone calendar.

[967] Your phone calendar.

[968] I am.

[969] I go to your website?

[970] Oh, I've got it.

[971] Tampa next weekend.

[972] Ooh.

[973] And then Denver Comedy Works.

[974] Oh, my God.

[975] The weekend of the 27th.

[976] Oh, dude.

[977] You have a cool site.

[978] Thank you.

[979] With a black eye.

[980] And a black eye.

[981] And once a month, this is my favorite thing I've got going on.

[982] I'm at the Riviera.

[983] Oh.

[984] At the starlight room.

[985] Dude.

[986] Yeah.

[987] I've got once a month.

[988] I'm there Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

[989] Oh, that's fun.

[990] I love I'm like loving Vegas wow that's crazy do you think you could be like one of those like you know I'm telling you what was that woman who um it was the uh Rita Rudner yeah did she still have a thing there I know she still has a thing there that's Rita Rudner was like kind of like you know she's a headliner a national headliner but when she settled down in Vegas and like like only did a show at this one place yeah that's when I think she started making crazy I'm loving the crowds like it's uh it's the RIV so they do it um I've done two weekends already.

[991] Really?

[992] Yeah, and it's been great.

[993] So you do one weekend out of the month?

[994] I do one weekend a month.

[995] It's me headlining.

[996] It's, they're marketing as Amy Schumer's Slaughterhouse, and it's me, Jackie Monaghan, and then one other female comic, like a Nikki Glazer, Rachel Feinstein.

[997] That's fucking awesome.

[998] Yeah, it's a fun show.

[999] It's like this old -timey theater, the Starlight in the...

[1000] Do you have every single weekend marked off?

[1001] Like, what if something comes up?

[1002] Like, what if...

[1003] They've been cool about, like, I'm filming a special.

[1004] They were, like, no problem.

[1005] Just change it.

[1006] Oh, well, that's great.

[1007] That's awesome.

[1008] I love it.

[1009] Like, I'm loving it.

[1010] So it's once a month?

[1011] Is it like the last weekend of every month or something?

[1012] No, it's like all over the map.

[1013] All over the map.

[1014] And so the people can follow this on Twitter?

[1015] Yeah, on Twitter.

[1016] Or it'll be on my site.

[1017] On your Twitter page?

[1018] Yeah.

[1019] Is there a Twitter page just for that show?

[1020] Not yet, but there will be.

[1021] It should be, right?

[1022] It's like a new, like, it went really well the first two weekends.

[1023] Because right now I'm splitting it with dice He's there He's supposed to do the podcast I gotta get a hold of him Yeah he's there When I'm not there And maybe like I think And Gilbert Godfrey Oh yeah really I love Gilbert Yeah but it's it's been cool I'm digging the shit out of Vegas Wow that's crazy Yeah You're gonna be a Vegas girl What do you dig about Vegas The hookers the meth No like I don't like big crowds Or like people drinking For the first time but like I really like the Sunday show I've been there a couple days during the week now and Vegas is very cool not on the weekends What is it like?

[1024] It's like, yeah everyone is like very chill And they're like okay now we have our world back Yeah it's a totally different vibe It's really it's like nice It's a crazy goddamn city It is a crazy goddamn city To have a city where everything stays open 24 hours a day Strip clubs food booze Cabs keep moving and stay up you need coke i got cook everything boom boom i didn't even know i needed that yeah you didn't even know you needed until you got it i didn't know i needed a tranny norton should move there no i uh but it's like every night all the girls like they're all like these young girls squeezed into these tube dresses and the heels are like and they're crazy they're just walking like they look so uncomfortable yeah they don't even know what they want they don't know they're putting their ass in a catapult spreading their legs and just launching that vagina at the crowd launching it at the enemy but there's no way to do it it's like everybody's splitting like there's 10 girls in a hotel room yeah there's always that and the dudes are all just like so psyched wearing their just there's like fuck yeah men with perfume on and shit what do you think about cologne what do you think about when you're about to make out with a guy and you smell some artificial smell on him um I like a guy's smell normal smell but I I don't mind some old spice Old Spice.

[1025] I don't know.

[1026] I don't know.

[1027] How many dudes do you think bought 50 cents cologne?

[1028] I still wear cologne, Joe.

[1029] I know you're against you, but I wear cologne.

[1030] Well, if I was you, I'd probably be into it.

[1031] What does that mean?

[1032] Needs whatever help he gets.

[1033] No, no, no. I mean, I spray a little axe on my balls, spray little squirt on my neck before I leave.

[1034] Does axe when you spray on the balls, is it sting?

[1035] No. I have no open swords like you.

[1036] I thought this was a safe.

[1037] I did not shave my balls.

[1038] I have shaved my balls and then put after shave on my balls just to see what it would feel like.

[1039] How to go?

[1040] Whoa.

[1041] It was not.

[1042] I'll tell you, it didn't really, it hurt, but it was more like, I would say more like a really alert sensation than a pain.

[1043] Reminded you of each follicle.

[1044] It was like there was no cuts, luckily.

[1045] I didn't, I didn't injure my balls during the shaving.

[1046] No, there was no nicking.

[1047] I fortunately had a really good razor.

[1048] Yeah, the event is I like to see my balls I don't want balls to be covered And now my balls are so salt and pepper It's so sad It's literally maybe 20 % No, not 20 but 10 I'd say 1 out of 10 ball hairs is gray They look like the chocolate munchkins Yeah, one out of 10 is gray Little chaw And I'm like they're going Oh whatever many each well Looking at them so I shave the balls There are my boots No one's into gray pubs Not girls not guys It's not distinguished.

[1049] I saw a dude at Runyon yesterday, and he had facial hair from here down thick.

[1050] Like he looked like a wolf.

[1051] And he was walking with all these like overweight Hispanic chicks and like yelling at them.

[1052] So I caught up to one of them in the front.

[1053] And I was like, is that your teacher?

[1054] And she's like, yeah.

[1055] And I was like, what's his, what's his hair?

[1056] And she's like his wife likes it like that.

[1057] And I was like, oh, my God.

[1058] Wolf.

[1059] Maybe she's got a really hairy pussy and they lock up like Velcro.

[1060] Oh my God.

[1061] I can't imagine.

[1062] Thanks, sure he keeps eating.

[1063] Eat that boozy.

[1064] I won't let you go.

[1065] Oh, you think.

[1066] Let me go on my mouth.

[1067] You think she's a pet?

[1068] Eat that boozy.

[1069] I won't let you go.

[1070] Well, I'm thinking if, you know, a hairy box.

[1071] You got to go with either that or Lebanese.

[1072] I don't know how to do a Lebanese accent.

[1073] Well, give it a shot.

[1074] Oh, hey, guys.

[1075] How's it gone?

[1076] No, that's not.

[1077] No, that's, I don't think that's Lebanese.

[1078] That's like a cartoon.

[1079] Yeah, Brian.

[1080] That's really do.

[1081] The Lebanese will fuck you up, Brian.

[1082] You're making me sad.

[1083] These people are no joke.

[1084] You're making me sad with your racist comments.

[1085] Oh my God, we're trying to, like, promote, like, unity in here.

[1086] I'm sorry.

[1087] You know how we were talking about in the podcast the other day about these giant packs of wolves in the Soviet Union?

[1088] Somebody sent me a tweet right afterwards about a story where these 400 wolves had killed 30 horses.

[1089] A pack of 400 wolves.

[1090] Apparently, it's, like, from over a year ago.

[1091] But he just tweeted me to show me how bad it actually got.

[1092] There were pictures?

[1093] Oh, no, they didn't have pictures.

[1094] They just had the article about how they're hiring teams of hunters to go after these wolves.

[1095] This is an unprecedented size pack.

[1096] They usually go and pack packs of like less than a dozen, much smaller packs.

[1097] Fuck, wolves are like taking over.

[1098] It's like Game of Thrones.

[1099] In the Soviet Union.

[1100] There's some spots.

[1101] We're former Soviet Union.

[1102] What do you call it now, Russia?

[1103] Canceled spring break.

[1104] What do you call it now?

[1105] Russia.

[1106] Because Russia's only part of it, right?

[1107] Oh, yeah.

[1108] Whatever it is.

[1109] It's like, I think this is happening like up north.

[1110] And it's, you know, these poor people are just living up there.

[1111] Wherever it is, it's north.

[1112] We can agree on that, right?

[1113] It fucking sucks.

[1114] It sucks to live up there, and apparently the wolves are starving, so they just got together.

[1115] And I said, listen, all of us together, I guess they figured it out.

[1116] It's overpopulating.

[1117] Six people, six wolves can't really go in and kill horses.

[1118] They'll shoot you.

[1119] But if there's 400 of us, we're going to get some horses.

[1120] And they're not even going to shoot at you because they're going to be terrified.

[1121] Yeah.

[1122] But you imagine, just being in the Russian tundra, wherever the, the fuck it would be like frozen outside and you look out and see 400 wolves just the eyes horses oh my god instant boner well that was that thing about that game of thrones movie is like it really connected you with how these people had to live back then it was a real like no jo that show's not true what it's not white walkers hold on what you're saying dragons i was like i was watching it with mrs rogan and i was like what happens if one of those stupid wooden wheels breaks.

[1123] Do they have an extra wooden wheel?

[1124] You move there.

[1125] You start a life there.

[1126] We're going to camp here.

[1127] I'm going to find deer.

[1128] That's it.

[1129] I was looking at how slow it was moving too.

[1130] And I'm like, that's real shit.

[1131] It moves like the way you jog.

[1132] That's how people got across the country.

[1133] I know.

[1134] Slow as fuck.

[1135] They were talking about we've been traveling for over a month.

[1136] They're like, what?

[1137] They have to bring enough food and water for a month in this stupid big box that they're pulling on dumb wooden wheels and they're just hoping there's going to be a road there when they get there.

[1138] We're so spoiled.

[1139] I was mad that the valet like wasn't ready with my car.

[1140] Yeah, back then, what did you have?

[1141] You had like a kingdom and then you had some roads that would go off into like villages and shit and everything would just be the same ground that was stepped on over and over again until it flattened out.

[1142] You know, it's like from people walking, that's how roads are created.

[1143] Right.

[1144] There weren't like people doing community service up keeping the trail.

[1145] Chris Brown wasn't out there picking up plastic cups.

[1146] This is how you use a hoe.

[1147] Just in case you guys like ever have to do some hoeing work.

[1148] Yeah, just like this.

[1149] That's not how I do it.

[1150] What's really fucked up about that is that that's not that long ago.

[1151] I know.

[1152] Not that long ago, that's how people lived.

[1153] They just walked around and got on horses and couldn't go very far.

[1154] People are still doing it.

[1155] And then you'd have to worry about the people from, you know, over there getting all their shit together and coming over here and fucking.

[1156] everybody up you always had to worry about that people were always looking to take everybody's shit yeah it was like can you please just promise not to take our shit like we promise we will not fuck with you yeah when people the king would get there and they'd all get off their horses you just had to hope that the king wasn't a fucking total psychopath like oh this new king he eats babies it's gonna be a tough hundred years that's the problem that was it the kings can do whatever the fuck they want yeah that's what it's really crazy oh god back in the day that's that's how people that's how people lived and like groups of people are supposed to die out like like species like there's all you know the crazy like deep into africa who still they just like do not give a fuck what we're doing and they make like clay bowls and no one buys them anymore but like we like outsourced to help them and uh but now we've gotten so smart with medicine and the internet that we're just staying alive forever and we're like fuck god whoa that was deep who has a b a in theater you just broke down the universe.

[1157] That should have been the opening to the new soul train.

[1158] That's it.

[1159] Do you think if you were king, you would just go around the village and like pick a different girl like almost every day?

[1160] And some dudes.

[1161] Or would you like just find one girl that you really like?

[1162] Because I'm a martial artist and I have discipline.

[1163] And I would know that if I did that, I would go mad.

[1164] No, just to put it.

[1165] Yeah, Brian.

[1166] Yeah, Brian.

[1167] I could just go barbarian style.

[1168] I don't like that part of my brain.

[1169] I like to keep that part of my brain under wraps.

[1170] No, just to experience different flavors.

[1171] There's just like a total Neanderthal.

[1172] lurking that you have to look at a wild chimpanzee deep in the back of my brain and if i'm in a hotel and it's on fire that's when he comes out yeah oh you know what i'm saying if there's a bunch of people in front of a door we were we were at a hotel fire in san francisco it's 4 30 in the morning and all these people were moving slow down this flight of stairs and uh i i was seriously contemplating running over some fucking people you just started stabbing because i was like you guys are not first of a lot of people were on ambient i actually talk about this in my act because it's true where A woman was having to explain to her husband As he was walking down the stairs What the fuck was going on?

[1173] It was crazy and I was like You fuck.

[1174] That happened to me once on Ambien That happened to me I was, it was a...

[1175] You got woken up?

[1176] I got woken up fire in the middle of the night At the hotel.

[1177] I was on Ambien And I walked to McDonald's With Abraham Lincoln.

[1178] Wait a minute, where was this?

[1179] Where was this?

[1180] It was warm out, maybe Florida.

[1181] Wow, you got woken up from a fire in your hotel too.

[1182] How many times does that happen to you?

[1183] I was like once.

[1184] Only once with me as well.

[1185] It was like, yeah.

[1186] It was really scary.

[1187] Everybody was outside.

[1188] Yeah, same thing is.

[1189] They were talking, but I was like on drugs.

[1190] Brian was there.

[1191] It was, uh, was Joe Diaz.

[1192] Ari was Ari, was Ari too?

[1193] No, I think it was just, well, no, no, no, I know Joey Diaz was there too.

[1194] I know Joe Diaz was.

[1195] Maybe it was Duncan.

[1196] No, it wasn't Duncan.

[1197] Wasn't Duncan.

[1198] Either way, it was definitely Joey and Brian and I think Ari are.

[1199] I think it was Ari.

[1200] And we were all outside and we're like, this is crazy, man. What did the ambient people look like?

[1201] They were waking up on the stairs.

[1202] Like, people were walking down the stairs.

[1203] this really didn't happen like guys walking on the stairs like what what is happening and the woman's like the hotel's on fire i woke you up where are we he would like grab the rails what's going on he kept forgetting like they had this look in his face like he didn't he really didn't know how he got to that spot and it would be on that spot yeah people have like crazy stories about being in the car on the highway and waking up and realize like holy shit what the fuck like they don't even know how they got there they're just driving and it's totally legal that's doctors give it out like nothing and I know a bunch of people addicted to it yeah I know several people addicted to it's not good I was addicted to it yeah I know a guy who takes two two full ambians she also takes Xanax like that's not good for you no it's not real sleep it's not actual sleep and he's a very functional guy you're in a like a coma he's a civilian he's a hardworking businessman yeah but he um he he he he he and he's a stressful job and he can't go to sleep and sometimes he just can't go to sleep no he runs business it's very very complicated business and he's uh just long hours and takes work home with him and he can't sleep so he pops ambians you know he does what he's got to do yeah well I think some people are just wrecked and they have so much shit going on they just need to shut it down well a lot of people had to like really readjust in this fucked up economy too yeah I mean if you go and look at like real estate websites and like I like to look at houses just a fascinating by like, you know, what's going on inside, like construction of houses, where, wow, that would be cool to live there.

[1204] What does it like to live and, you know, over by the ocean?

[1205] What are those houses look like inside?

[1206] It's amazing how many houses on these real estate sites are all foreclosures.

[1207] Foreclosure, foreclosure, short sale.

[1208] What does that mean if it's foreclosed?

[1209] It means that people lost their money.

[1210] They couldn't pay for the house anymore.

[1211] So what happens?

[1212] They lose their house.

[1213] They have to move out and the bank owns it?

[1214] And they get nothing?

[1215] And the bank sells it.

[1216] No, they don't get shit.

[1217] You get out on your ass.

[1218] You could have been paying for that house for $20.

[1219] 20 years.

[1220] It doesn't matter.

[1221] It's not yours anymore.

[1222] You missed a year's worth of payments and now they're going to take it from you.

[1223] Living in.

[1224] You're reneged on your loan.

[1225] I've like always rented and I don't have a car.

[1226] Like I don't, the economy, I've not, I know people are fucked, but I've never had any money.

[1227] So it's never hit me. Yeah, like I, but it seems like really shitty.

[1228] Like if you have a family and you're just like, what do you do?

[1229] They said 40 % of young adults between 18 and 34 live at home.

[1230] I would almost want to go back Because all that I really need is like No like if my mom lived here I could almost live with my mom Because I'm never really home No no I'm not I'm never home But if she like Because I use it just for sleeping And then I'll tell you what There's nothing wrong with living with your mom If your mom respects you as an adult And you love her and she's not a needy person And you can be around her And you know you don't have to babysit her anymore Is there a mom like that?

[1231] Yeah my mom was a very much It's very easygoing person.

[1232] If my mother wanted to move in, it would be no problem.

[1233] Really?

[1234] I mean, I think we all have to kind of take care of our moms at some point, don't we?

[1235] I mean, like, where they move in.

[1236] I take care of my mom.

[1237] My mom could live with me easy.

[1238] Yeah, so I think we're all going to have to do it.

[1239] She's not to, like, tell you what to do, watch over your business mom.

[1240] Like, some people have moms that are, like, really, like, invasive, start problems in their life.

[1241] I have friends who literally can't talk to their moms because their moms will start drama in their lives and start picking on their girlfriend or picking on their lives.

[1242] And they don't know how to break that habit.

[1243] they've been doing it their whole lives, but then you get old enough and you realize that that behavior is insane.

[1244] You form patterns in your head based on certain ways of behaving that you've always followed in these grooves in the past.

[1245] And they could be totally shitty grooves.

[1246] I personally, when I was younger, had a bunch of shitty grooves that I had to get my own mind out of.

[1247] Yeah.

[1248] I had a bunch of like jealousy grooves, hater grooves, feeling sorry for myself grooves, like self -defeating thoughts, grooves.

[1249] But that's like totally normal.

[1250] And as long as you're interested in, you know, making yourself better than...

[1251] Right.

[1252] But you've got to recognize them and dump them.

[1253] You know, that's what it is.

[1254] And some people don't.

[1255] And so they find themselves an old lady, you know, picking on their kids, you know?

[1256] I've seen it.

[1257] It's gross.

[1258] It's fucking gross.

[1259] It's so awful and just like trying to make them need you, like those mothers that like when their kids are sick.

[1260] Oh.

[1261] My mom is like pretty, she's pretty cool, but definitely there's, there's some bad patterns, but I can't even, like, really stay overnight in the same place as her.

[1262] Wow.

[1263] Yeah, just, it just gets too intense.

[1264] Yeah, just with, like, some neediness.

[1265] Oh, really?

[1266] Yeah, like, I need a ton of alone time, like, because I'm so used to being by myself.

[1267] So it'll be like, Mom, I need to, like, just do this.

[1268] Like, I need to write this thing.

[1269] And she'll like, okay, okay, that's fine.

[1270] And then she'll come over and she'll, like, put a chair in front of me and read a book, like, in my direction.

[1271] And I'm like, that's crazy.

[1272] Like, do you know that that's insane that you're doing?

[1273] Yeah.

[1274] Some people don't get that.

[1275] No. Everybody's got their own needs when it comes to time and space alone.

[1276] I don't know how I would ever, I don't know how I'm going to like ever live with somebody again.

[1277] You can live with someone.

[1278] You just have to make sure that you have, you respect each other space.

[1279] Yeah.

[1280] You have to live in a place where you can, you know, have a little room away from them.

[1281] Are you bitching?

[1282] You know, you could just shut a door somewhere.

[1283] I'm a girl.

[1284] Yes.

[1285] I mean, like, are you intense?

[1286] Are you, like, throwing.

[1287] items or no no no i'm like i want to be as drama free as possible i'm not i'm not needy i'm how many domestic violence holes have you made it in a wall you know like domestic violence holes is that you're saying glory holes brian no no like the walls that you know in a hole like a plaster zero how many have i caused yeah probably a lot so you've seen them before a lot so there's definitely some i've had a number of walls next to my head punched yeah wow really and you You deserved it, and you deserved it, right?

[1288] I was like 20.

[1289] You deserved it.

[1290] Hold on.

[1291] By dudes?

[1292] Chill out.

[1293] Stop yelling.

[1294] You deserved it.

[1295] You fucking psycho, because you're going through a breakup right now.

[1296] No, no, I'm just kidding.

[1297] Don't take it out on me. By dudes?

[1298] By dudes, yeah.

[1299] I dated a guy when I was in my early 20s, like when I was 19 to 21 that he didn't hit me, but I got hurt by accident all the time.

[1300] What?

[1301] Yeah.

[1302] We had one night where he, we were like, 21 like drinking a lot like drinking martinis before we would go out and it was like we were in love with each other and so scared of losing each other and it was fucking wild and horrible and one night he um we were out at a bar and i was like trying to make him jealous and i was like dancing with another guy uh i'm 19 i'm wearing like a tube top i'm like life is amazing and he comes over and yells at me and i spit on him yeah whoa uh yeah and i so i spit on him and he like grabs me and like throws me out of the bar and chases me all over wound up like throwing me on the roof of a car whoa i ran into an apartment uh like just ran in like for help because he was like chasing me right and these guys it was like they were obviously doing a bunch of illegal stuff like these i think it was like some sort of a gang and uh they were like okay just they hid me in like their bathroom and then he came there was making a scene so the guys threw me out because they didn't want the cops to come and he wound up getting a fist fight with them end of the night we're back to at our apartment we live together in Santa Barbara he um starts breaking glasses over his own head and then I finally find a way to run out of the apartment and he was chasing me with a knife like American psycho chasing me around our apartment complex and I bang bang bang down a door finally someone opened and I go in this apartment and it was a guy um who's chopping up a woman like I'm not kidding he I'd like seen this guy around our apartment I walk in he he he he's He closes the door.

[1303] I notice it smells like shit, like feces.

[1304] And I look over, his wife is in a hospital bed.

[1305] She has no arms and legs, and her mouth is cocked open.

[1306] Oh, no. I'm not, like, this is all totally true.

[1307] I've never, like, told this.

[1308] I haven't thought about this in years.

[1309] But, uh, and they called, and I was like, then I was more scared in that house, but they called, they called the cops for me. And, uh, and yeah.

[1310] And I got out and moved back to New York.

[1311] Did you ever talk to that guy again?

[1312] Yeah, we're back together.

[1313] No, I'm just kidding.

[1314] Yeah.

[1315] Yeah, we were kids.

[1316] We were horrible kids.

[1317] Yeah, but he had a knife.

[1318] Yeah, that's fucked up.

[1319] What was that about?

[1320] I don't, I don't know.

[1321] Did you talk to him afterwards?

[1322] He was drunk and he was really afraid of losing me. So he's going to cut you open?

[1323] I don't know what his plans were.

[1324] But, yeah, we, we like...

[1325] He was going to give you a second gash.

[1326] He wanted a new hole.

[1327] Wow.

[1328] But it was like, after him, dating was weird because I was, like, confused by if a guy really like me or not.

[1329] Like, I dated this really nice guy after him, and I was.

[1330] just like, I was like, are you into this?

[1331] And he's like, yeah, I'm told, why.

[1332] I was like, because you've never like spit on me or threatened my coworkers.

[1333] Like, are you, is there any passion here?

[1334] He's like, what do you want for me?

[1335] But yeah, so the way I feel about it.

[1336] Is that real?

[1337] Is that real?

[1338] No, no, that's not one of it.

[1339] I mean, is there a real feeling like that?

[1340] Like when a guy doesn't do anything crazy or violent that he's not really into you?

[1341] No, that was just me at 22, like being really fucked up by this relationship.

[1342] So that's why when someone's like.

[1343] So you really did feel that.

[1344] Yeah.

[1345] Not just joking around for the laugh, but you really felt like someone didn't like you because they weren't spitting on you or weren't being violent towards your co -workers?

[1346] That whole next year, I was confused.

[1347] I didn't think that the guy I was dating really cared about me because of that.

[1348] And the guy was dating, I mean, he really, like, did a number on me. He would, like, rip the shower curtain down when I was in there.

[1349] Whoa.

[1350] Did you do it number two?

[1351] That whipped his shower curtain down.

[1352] I'd be, like, in the shower and he would, like, come in and rip it down and, like, point at me and laugh um like just crazy horrible shit and i thought i thought you were living with a crazy person i know it was really bad and it was like but i was in love with him so it's like no yeah yeah he had a cock on him wow is that what it was yeah probably i was rocked you i was just he just knew how to make it happen i don't know what it was it was it was 10 years ago no no there was no shitting and farting bry i mean but i understand when people um like i really don't judge anybody who gets in some awful relationship because I've always been like a strong like I don't keep my mouth shut chick so I think like it could happen to anybody like you can be you can fall in love with somebody who who hurts you well especially when you're 20 years old you really you're a child yeah you don't know anything right but I've never been in a relationship with any sort of even meanness I've never since then I I don't think I've even said anything to anyone in a relationship that I regret that's awesome well you learned yeah I learned I was being chased with a knife A apartment complex Yeah It was really bad And he was really sick I would feel like He would like grab me And then I'd have a huge bruise And the next day I'd be like Oh he's gonna feel so bad about this Like I would feel bad for him Right You know never again That guy's my holocaust He didn't feel bad when he grabbed you When you left bruises He would like He would like convince me that it was my fault It was really like Wow Yeah I was a kid How old was he?

[1353] My age Wow He had a good pep game Are you one of those girls have you ever met one of those girls where like like you could just pretty much like touch her and then the next day like you could just go like this is that what you tell yourself brian you sound like maybe like maybe you're a contender no no no i've actually like dated somebody that like seriously like she could just go like like just put her hand down too hard on a desk and she would get a bruise right here that's not healthy that's super unhealthy that means she has like some sort of iron deficiency yes you should drink more water and you should stop shaking her and no more meth No more math No more myth Yeah Didn't you have a relationship With somebody where you guys brought out The fucking worst in each other Oh yeah Just toxic Oh sure absolutely Yeah I've had those Yeah especially when you're young And you don't realize Like what fighting in a relationship is Yeah you don't know what it is supposed to be yet Yeah and you know You say shitty things to each other And you don't realize like God what the fuck am I doing Yeah you can't take that shit back Yeah I took me once to learn all of that stuff I got every lesson in one dude Right Yeah I got lucky that I never had anybody that crazy But it's fascinating to watch people When you get close to somebody You don't know them very well And then all of a sudden within like a month or two months You're hanging out with them every day And you're like deep in their life You remember when you're young and you first start meeting people I mean that's essentially what happens right You like throw yourself out of each other Oh yeah you're like so codependent You don't know you don't know how to regulate it right You're just like us And then you get into their life And you go whoa I'm dealing with a fucking hornet's nest here Yeah What is all this craziness you got going on?

[1354] here.

[1355] Yeah, not, no more.

[1356] Now, like, I, I met a dude recently and I was like, try to him.

[1357] Cue the music, Brian.

[1358] Oh, God.

[1359] You had some sexy music?

[1360] He had some sexy piano play.

[1361] I hate when you do this.

[1362] You met a dude?

[1363] I met a guy.

[1364] What's the guy do?

[1365] Um, is he a non -comedian?

[1366] He's a non -comedian.

[1367] Is he fancy himself to be funny?

[1368] Everybody does.

[1369] Who?

[1370] That's not good.

[1371] Is he successful?

[1372] No. No, but he, but he, but right away, I just realized.

[1373] Okay, Brian, you're fired.

[1374] Brian, you are really not bringing it today.

[1375] You're a bad place i'm not gonna hold it against you i support you awful this not a person this isn't a fucking sound manager in a country that were fucked it up i feel like you just got this equipment today and he's just he thinks it's cute what does this do he's just pushing that retard angle hard and strong so the guy is non -successful non -comedian yeah and but what i'm saying is uh probably not whoa like he will yeah like everybody wants to be doing better than they're doing but it's just like a general i want to be doing better.

[1376] Do you think he can be your creepy manager that steals money from you?

[1377] No, I don't think he's got the intellect.

[1378] No. That's what I'm searching for.

[1379] You're searching for a creepy guy to steal money from you?

[1380] I want that guy that's going to just take me for everything.

[1381] A guy who's just going to come along and be your manager.

[1382] By everything I mean my bike.

[1383] Make deals behind your back.

[1384] Is that what happens?

[1385] Girls date guys, they become their managers?

[1386] Sure.

[1387] Why not?

[1388] No, I just, what I'm saying is at 30, like, meeting a guy now, you just like see, you're like, oh, no, no, no. And I'm not even going to fuck you.

[1389] Like I'm not, let's just stop this right here.

[1390] Strike one.

[1391] Right.

[1392] Yeah.

[1393] I was in a party the other night and there was a dude who just had these like Uber douche vibes, you know, for no reason.

[1394] Like, you know, you just look at a guy and you go, wait, what?

[1395] He's like, why are you the worst?

[1396] What's going on here?

[1397] It was a bunch of people I didn't know.

[1398] Yeah.

[1399] But he had a thumb ring.

[1400] That's it.

[1401] That's all it would take for me. Well, I have a wallet chain.

[1402] I'm really glass houses.

[1403] I'm throwing around.

[1404] rocks.

[1405] I don't think a wall change is that bad.

[1406] It's no thumb ring.

[1407] He had a thumb ring and he was wearing leather flip flops and a ponytail.

[1408] And when he talked, he would like over exaggerate like the name of a country.

[1409] It's in Mozambique.

[1410] It's like this really like overly enthusiastic.

[1411] Then I found out that he was living off the alimony from a rich woman that he had married.

[1412] Yeah, you're like it all adds up.

[1413] It all adds up.

[1414] Oh, this is hilarious.

[1415] It's amazing when you're, it's amazing when you.

[1416] you just see a guy, he's like a male hustlers type character.

[1417] Yeah.

[1418] And I saw him, I observed him, I watched him, I followed him around because I was fascinated by him because he was fabulous.

[1419] Yeah.

[1420] And he went over to these mothers, and all these mothers were hanging around.

[1421] And, you know, he's a fairly decent looking guy.

[1422] And, you know, he just goes over and tries to talk really seriously.

[1423] Like, this is, wow, what a beautiful ensemble.

[1424] What an amazing bouquet of flowers.

[1425] Right.

[1426] Sensitively put there, just so beautiful.

[1427] That'll work on some chicks.

[1428] Oh, fuck down.

[1429] Not this chick.

[1430] A guy that is collecting alimony from a woman is not a man. That is not a man. Yeah, and women shouldn't be doing it either.

[1431] It just seems awful.

[1432] Well, you know what?

[1433] I disagree.

[1434] If the man is taking care of a woman and she has kids.

[1435] Yeah, if she's kids.

[1436] Or if you told her she doesn't have to work, I'm rich, come with me. And then she's like, give her some money to get her shit back together again.

[1437] I think everybody deserves, you know, I don't think anybody deserves to be fucked up and on Skid Row or what have you.

[1438] If there's a way to avoid it where the other person.

[1439] You could just be a decent and moral person.

[1440] Right.

[1441] The problem is breakups are so bad for the most part.

[1442] A lot of times people don't want to help the other person.

[1443] They want them to be a fucking homeless person.

[1444] So you need the courts to kind of step in.

[1445] But that dude.

[1446] But a man, but a man, bro.

[1447] But like that dude at the party, like I've had guys that, like, that do well.

[1448] You know, like some guys that are a little bit famous and you see how their, their shit would work on somebody else.

[1449] Like, girls, like, when you pay attention, when you ask some questions.

[1450] and you see something about them.

[1451] They're like, and because we can just project everything we've ever wanted onto the dude.

[1452] So, but that, but like that whole game, like, I wish that worked on me. You see it coming a mile away.

[1453] No, you don't.

[1454] Imagine how baffle you'd be every day, especially out here.

[1455] But the male hustler approach.

[1456] Gross.

[1457] He was talking about cleanses.

[1458] He just returned from a detox cleanse.

[1459] I was like, this guy is in a goddamn movie.

[1460] This is, Judd Apatow movie and this guy is like the new age he's like Russell Brand in like some movie no not even Russell Brands Russell Brand's always funny no but I mean like well he plays like a douchebag yeah but he plays a wild douchebag yeah but he plays a wild douchebag this guy isn't even wild he's just a mild does that guy like himself like or does he when he's alone in the bathroom does he look in the mirror and have to keep himself from sobbing yeah he's got I hope so you can only hope that guy hates himself if if anyone ever assaulted him on the street he would just quit he would curl up in a ball that would quit just if you He just said one thing to him.

[1461] If someone attacked him physically, he would fall apart.

[1462] That's why I like when those guys are in my audience.

[1463] So this guy became my science project for the party, which I did.

[1464] I was thinking about, I started twittering about it.

[1465] I tweeted about it while I was following this guy.

[1466] Yeah.

[1467] And then I watched him talk to a young boy, and that's where shit got really interesting.

[1468] Whoa.

[1469] Because, no, not like that.

[1470] Oh.

[1471] Like the kid was, I should say a teenager.

[1472] The kid was about, probably like 18.

[1473] I watched for 20 minutes.

[1474] And they were talking about things, and, you know, the guy was doing his sort of smoldering thing with him and, you know, being wise.

[1475] And the kid asked him, what do you do?

[1476] And he didn't answer.

[1477] Right.

[1478] He didn't answer.

[1479] Because he doesn't do anything.

[1480] He had, like, like, a little pause, and it was really crazy.

[1481] And then the kid asked him again.

[1482] Like, he tried to, like, change the subject or he tried to, like, add something to the past statement that he, you know, the, the, previous sentence to finish it as if the guy didn't ask him what he'd do and then the kid asked again what do you do and then he had this sort of a stutter and we're working and developing a property right now you know i don't know what is what the truth is he's like i am journaling and going to whole foods twice a day well it was a it was a fascinating dude because he was doing it again he had gotten one rich woman to marry him and then he was there at the party with an older rich woman it's fascinating It's upsetting, but how about that woman?

[1483] Fascinating.

[1484] People are so sad.

[1485] Well, it's, you know, people need things.

[1486] And some, you know, some women don't need a guy who's some wild motherfucker who's going to run away.

[1487] You need some bitch ass that needs you to pay the bills and pretends he loves you.

[1488] Well, there was like that, this whole article in the Atlantic magazine about how we used to think of it being like part of the black culture that it would be like the dudes were either playboys.

[1489] Like if they're successful, like they can have lots of chicks or a deadbeat.

[1490] Like, you would have to kind of, as a woman who's successful, you'd have to, like, take on a deadbeat.

[1491] Strippers.

[1492] But it's not anymore.

[1493] That's totally everybody.

[1494] It's not just for one community.

[1495] Like, that's how it is now.

[1496] Yeah.

[1497] With dudes, because women are succeeding more and more.

[1498] And guys, like, there's, like, that plateau.

[1499] Well, there's certainly positions where the roles have reversed, where the woman's taking care of the man. Yeah.

[1500] Especially older women and younger, better -looking men.

[1501] Right.

[1502] That shit's, like, super common.

[1503] Yeah.

[1504] As long as a woman, like, it's, like, just like, men.

[1505] and young girls that are like a little bit lost and they take care of them and they're older men with a lot of money that that shit's going on especially in this economy there's guys that are putting their ass up in the air Oh my God They bend it over Can you hook me up?

[1506] I can get you hooked up Have you ever been to that website Like Howard Stern always talks about cougar life Have you ever been to that website It's a website with cougars that just want to get down and fuck And so you get all these girls That have been taken care of That just got out of a divorce Now they're super rich It's kind of interesting I find it hard to believe that those hot ones need a fucking website I think those girls are getting dick hurled at them everywhere they go I know I find it hard to believe that if they don't have friends someone's trying fresh out of a relationship What's the idea with the site is it like let's go to dinner or is it like just come over and fuck me Let's go out and eat and have some drinks They know they only have about 30 or 40 days of moisture left In their vagina they want to use every day Until it just packs in for the rest of the life goes into a permanent state of hibernation and then they got a sneak lube in there which is always embarrassing you know can imagine as you're about the bone the girl's got a sneak some lube in there I'll be right back I'm gonna go to the bathroom she goes to the bathroom sneak some lube in there because the box is done the box is done so it's a sandbag you're fucking a sandbag you're fucking a sandbag you're fucking two slabs of beef jerky that is so hot make a tube out of beef jerky you guys are talking about my future right now what's up all call You're your handsling a callus.

[1507] Can you inside of your vagina?

[1508] If you were like a hooker and just insisted on fucking all day, every day, you really had a lot of money that you owed.

[1509] Yeah, it must.

[1510] I'll take them all.

[1511] Come on.

[1512] Is it possible to get a callus in your pussy?

[1513] Yeah, it's like skitting your knee.

[1514] Yeah, maybe.

[1515] I bet it would have to, if you let it heal a little bit, it would probably be callous.

[1516] Wow.

[1517] But who is time?

[1518] That's rough.

[1519] Who has the time?

[1520] What do you think is the number?

[1521] The woman who's fucked the most dudes ever?

[1522] What do you think the number is?

[1523] Like at once?

[1524] Yeah.

[1525] No, in her life.

[1526] Most different dudes.

[1527] It's got to be a lot.

[1528] We had a male porn star on a podcast recently, and I was like, how many people did you fuck last year?

[1529] And he was just like, I don't know, a lot.

[1530] I'm like, would you say over 200?

[1531] He's like, probably over 300.

[1532] And I'm like, what?

[1533] Well, you think about if he's a porn star, he's probably working, how many days a week?

[1534] Probably like four or five.

[1535] Four or five days a week?

[1536] And how many different girls do you think he fucks in a day?

[1537] I don't know.

[1538] Usually like a lot of these movies, you're doing like the whole movie in like one sitting, like four different scenes, four different in one day?

[1539] Yeah, you usually have to come three times in one day?

[1540] Oh, he probably, I don't think they come a lot.

[1541] That's why in the end, that's the most disappointing thing when you're watching a porn and the guys like, oh, oh, oh.

[1542] Meet.

[1543] That's not disappointing for me. And the girl's like getting her spit bubbles on to make it seem like as if it's bigger.

[1544] She's pretending to gag.

[1545] I see what's going on there.

[1546] That's nothing.

[1547] She's sneaking loo in her mouth.

[1548] You have a very small and unimpressed of load, sir.

[1549] Yeah, I don't, like, I don't know about other girls, but for me, the size of the load does not matter.

[1550] Doesn't it?

[1551] You like all of that.

[1552] Oh, wouldn't you be more excited if a guy came, like a whole shit load?

[1553] Like, wow, he's so excited.

[1554] Like, look at all this.

[1555] And then instead of a guy like this, I guess it's pretty good, I just drop a load girl.

[1556] doesn't seem very enthusiastic.

[1557] Not very complimentary.

[1558] Oh, I wouldn't, I don't think I would take it personally.

[1559] More.

[1560] Where's the rest?

[1561] I'm hungry.

[1562] shit you're only that excited how about to cut you off for a week and see if we could pick up the volume soldier no that is that is not on my mind some girls are into that though yeah yeah some girls like big loads do you find that Brian uh yeah I think they don't like the thick ones you know once in a while when you don't have a lot of water you've been drinking a lot and it's like that like you're so unhealthy dude like it would just if you went like this it would just stay yeah like it's like almost like lumpy like mashed potato or cottage cheesy yeah or something like frozen yogurt loads See, I love that.

[1563] It sticks to the bones like a good soup.

[1564] Yeah, I want like full just clam chowder.

[1565] Yeah, it's funny that some girls actually do like loads.

[1566] They like to swallow them.

[1567] I guess it can be fun if it's more if you're in the mood for that sort of thing.

[1568] Some girls love it.

[1569] It's like their favorite thing, loads in their mouth.

[1570] It's seasonal for me. Yeah, in the summer you've had a few coronas.

[1571] You can use the salt.

[1572] Yeah.

[1573] I can't afford proactive Anymore You know, they say Is it good for your skin?

[1574] Yeah, that's why I look so young, Joe.

[1575] That's why you guys say that, fuck you.

[1576] I'm not buying it.

[1577] I would think so probably do just as good a job.

[1578] I'll just get some oil valet and respect myself.

[1579] Oil of valet.

[1580] Is that shit real?

[1581] Oil of ole?

[1582] Yeah, that's legit.

[1583] Is it?

[1584] Yeah, that's what I use.

[1585] Oil valet.

[1586] Isn't that like supposed to keep women young forever?

[1587] I mean, look at me. I'm 50.

[1588] I got something better that would.

[1589] You should try.

[1590] We'll talk about it.

[1591] I don't think so bright.

[1592] Do you guys remember the solo flex woman?

[1593] There was like a 50 year old lady.

[1594] Do you remember?

[1595] That bitch was hot and she's like 50.

[1596] And she's on Cougar life now.

[1597] You think she's still rocking it?

[1598] When you're 50 in like 2003, that's a long time ago, man. That is.

[1599] You know, back then you were hot, but the wall is near.

[1600] There's not much you can do about that.

[1601] You know?

[1602] Oh, God.

[1603] Aging as a woman just seems like so awful.

[1604] It's a motherfucker for everybody.

[1605] Man, what's going to happen?

[1606] How are you?

[1607] 30.

[1608] There's no getting around it either.

[1609] You got five more years, so you hit the wall.

[1610] You think?

[1611] Thank you.

[1612] That's so nice.

[1613] You can hold it off a little bit if you stay in shape.

[1614] Hold it off a little bit.

[1615] I run.

[1616] I think that keeps people young.

[1617] For sure.

[1618] Yeah, but your knees are going to get jacked.

[1619] Do you run on the concrete or you're running on?

[1620] No, I run either in the treadmill or a dirt thing.

[1621] Yeah.

[1622] And I ice my stuff.

[1623] I roll them.

[1624] You should sleep in oxygen.

[1625] Do you run on your toes?

[1626] You know, they say like those toe shoes, that that's really the way to run.

[1627] Yeah, but then I'll be a douchebag.

[1628] I hate people.

[1629] Do you have those shoes?

[1630] I have them, yeah.

[1631] I don't wear them except to work out.

[1632] I wear them when I work out.

[1633] I wear them when I kick the bag sometimes if it's cold outside.

[1634] Really?

[1635] They're like little piglets.

[1636] My gym is in my garage and sometimes it's like if it's 40 degrees out, I'm working out of 40 degrees.

[1637] It's hard to kick a leather bag with your bare foot.

[1638] Yeah, but you're like a serious fitness dude.

[1639] When I see people like running around Central Park in those footies and I'm just like, is it helping you that much?

[1640] What it is is, the way people run is an unnatural way.

[1641] the way people run where you go heel and then down to your toes.

[1642] Yeah.

[1643] That's not how you run if you were running out barefoot in the world.

[1644] Right.

[1645] You would run and you would use the natural design of your foot as a shock absorber.

[1646] And that's what people do.

[1647] Instead of drop down on your heel because you have a big pad there.

[1648] Yeah.

[1649] Because a shoe company has put an artificial pad in the back of your heel.

[1650] They literally change the way people run.

[1651] Yeah, but don't we also...

[1652] Before that people would have to run and the natural way to do is to land on a ball of your foot and if you look at the design of the foot, your foot bends and gives.

[1653] You land on the toe in the ball of the foot, and then it gives.

[1654] And what these shoes and any barefoot, like, exercise program, I lift weights barefoot, and I'll do a lot of different things, different exercises barefoot.

[1655] And the idea behind it is that that is, that's a natural way for your body to carry stress and to move things around, and that if you run on the ball, your foot like that, it actually saves your body, all the damage that a lot of people get from the pounding of knees.

[1656] So that's why the to...

[1657] Wouldn't the natural way not be on concrete, though?

[1658] Yes, you absolutely right.

[1659] And that seems like a fucking backup.

[1660] Concrete's bad, period, for anybody.

[1661] Any way you run.

[1662] It's just, it's hard.

[1663] It doesn't give.

[1664] Nice dirt.

[1665] Like, if you're on, like, a nice dirt hill, you know, when you hit that thing, it compacts a little, compacts a little.

[1666] This is a nice dirt hill near a house that I used to run until there was three fucking mountain lying sightings in my neighborhood.

[1667] And then I'm like, yeah, I'm not, I'm not running this hill anymore, but it was a nice steep dirt hill, and you could feel it give as you ran into it.

[1668] But isn't it bad to run in the sand?

[1669] No, no, running in the sand.

[1670] It's fantastic for you.

[1671] Really?

[1672] Yeah, I mean, you've got to build your body up.

[1673] I wouldn't recommend it to someone who's not in shape.

[1674] No, I loved running on the beach and then, like, barefoot, but then I heard, like, that's not.

[1675] Who told you there's anything wrong with that?

[1676] Sand is great.

[1677] Oh, no. I listen to every piece of advice.

[1678] I'm going to probably go get those shoes.

[1679] Running on the sand is hard.

[1680] It's hard to run.

[1681] I mean, as long as you don't step on something, you know, you know, you know, you know, If you step on something, you're, fuck, broken bottles and shed it.

[1682] I mean, if you trust the beach.

[1683] But if you're running barefoot on the sand, that's really good for you.

[1684] It's good.

[1685] Yeah, so is running sand dunes.

[1686] That's fucking, incredibly good for you.

[1687] It makes me insane is, I'm always in hotels, of course, and in hotel gyms.

[1688] When people just come in to just check it out, don't you always see, like, couples?

[1689] They just, like, they'll come down, like, it's like, it's a gym.

[1690] Like, you can tell how nice a hotel is.

[1691] You're going to know how nice a gym.

[1692] Like, what do you?

[1693] It just, I don't know why.

[1694] It just makes me so mad.

[1695] Wow, you don't like being looked at while you're looking at.

[1696] No, I love being looked at.

[1697] Is that what it is?

[1698] They just come in, they don't commit.

[1699] They don't sit.

[1700] You're like, all right, someone's going to flirt with me while we train together.

[1701] Yeah.

[1702] Yeah, that's it.

[1703] Sweat and, you know, that's a cool thing about these mirrors.

[1704] They're in the corners.

[1705] You can just look one way?

[1706] They didn't even know if you're looking at that.

[1707] Yeah, that's it.

[1708] I'm like, can we get some mirrors in the ceilings in here?

[1709] Or you laugh inappropriately at like an episode of Friends.

[1710] So he has to say, what is so funny.

[1711] Oh, my God.

[1712] I forgot how funny friends was.

[1713] Oh, it's one of my favorite shows.

[1714] Is this how I flirt?

[1715] Is this how I meet someone?

[1716] Next to you, you know.

[1717] You would be the worst dating coach.

[1718] You would be the worst wingman of all time.

[1719] Listen, I'm just creating scenarios.

[1720] These scenarios are terrible.

[1721] Coming up with answers.

[1722] Dudes have questions.

[1723] You know, Amy Schumer's at the gym.

[1724] How am I going to make this happen?

[1725] Yeah, by laughing loudly at friends.

[1726] Yeah, really, really loud.

[1727] That'll make an impact.

[1728] I would say the girl would be the one that laughs really loudly.

[1729] And see, you're upset that the people come in where they just look because they're not going to play your game.

[1730] You feel like.

[1731] this is another person, this is a new player, has entered the game.

[1732] You know, when you're at the gym and you're on your little elliptical machine and you listen to your Donna Somers music, none of this happens.

[1733] You're thinking of, like, your mom.

[1734] Like, this is so.

[1735] I'm picturing you with a purple iPod Nano.

[1736] No, not even a Nano.

[1737] What's the one, the clip on?

[1738] What's the clip on?

[1739] Let's just take it back to a Walkman.

[1740] How about I have a Walkman?

[1741] And I have a perm.

[1742] Shuffle.

[1743] Leg warmers.

[1744] A headband.

[1745] You have no shoes on because they haven't invented shoes yet.

[1746] You just aged me 30 years.

[1747] You get upset.

[1748] You look up and it's some people just looking at the gym.

[1749] No. You have me all wrong at the gym.

[1750] You have me all wrong at the gym.

[1751] What is your mindset when you go to the gym?

[1752] What's the thought process?

[1753] I listen to Biggie and odd future and I listen to bad shit and I run like I'm angry.

[1754] You're angry.

[1755] What do you think about when you're really pushing yourself?

[1756] Do you think about the ex -boyfriend with a knife running through the apartment complex?

[1757] I should.

[1758] I think about you.

[1759] And then I stop.

[1760] I pause the treadmill so I can come.

[1761] And then I get back on and I just push through.

[1762] And she realizes that she is orgasmed.

[1763] Without even knowing it.

[1764] Did you realize that a lot of women are admitting now that there was a study done on it that there are a lot of women are achieving orgasm during strenuous exercise?

[1765] What?

[1766] Yes.

[1767] That sounds great.

[1768] Yeah.

[1769] What are they doing?

[1770] I don't know.

[1771] I'll Google it here.

[1772] Study shows.

[1773] Just put this little balls in there and work out.

[1774] I was so sick in the hospital.

[1775] I haven't like masturbated in like a week.

[1776] Really?

[1777] Yeah.

[1778] I like forgot about it.

[1779] That's how sick I was.

[1780] Have you ever mutually masturbated with another guy?

[1781] That's so stupid.

[1782] Why not just fuck?

[1783] Yeah.

[1784] I guess because when you're together a long time.

[1785] Women have orgasms at the gym study shows.

[1786] Wow.

[1787] Yeah, that's really true.

[1788] What are they doing at the gym?

[1789] Finding's at.

[1790] Fucking their trainers.

[1791] findings add qualitative and quantitative data to a field that has been largely unstudied a field yes what what really makes the vagina go pop pop pop that's my field I'm in the orgasm field a field as a women's orgasm has been a field largely unstudied according to researcher Debbie oh Debbie you silly bitch Debbie always thinking about her clit Debbie just probably loves pussy clit Deb all day Debbie Debbie Debbie She's probably has a flashlight, and she, like, licks it while she's sitting in the office.

[1792] Oh, wow.

[1793] Colist is so awesome.

[1794] This is my field.

[1795] I'm doing research on my field.

[1796] Debbie's in the field, you guys.

[1797] She can't talk.

[1798] Debbie, you're awesome.

[1799] Thank you for your work.

[1800] Co -director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University.

[1801] For instance, Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues first reported the phenomenon in 1953, saying about 5 % of women they had interviewed mentioned orgasm linked to physical exercise.

[1802] Wow, that's fucking awesome for those five checks.

[1803] What is this, Frank?

[1804] The report of so -called corgasms Named because of their seeming link To exercises for core abdominal muscles Have circulated in the media for years According to the researchers So apparently it's work in your core So getting on the knees and tightening up the pussy That shit's real Yeah What you want to do is you get on your knees Okay And then I want you to rock your ass Back to your heels And then pull yourself up with your abs While you're squeezing your pussy Why don't I just rub my clit what like why all the why all the work because you can do this while you're at work and no one even knows you do it while you're performing some exercise and you get some good rock solid apps try it right now get some rock solid apps of the women who had orgasms during exercise 45 % said their first experience was linked to abdominal exercises 45 % 19 due to biking and spinning 9.

[1805] So that's why Mrs. Rogan likes the spinning I could see spinning 9 .3 I've gotten excited on a bicycle Link to climbing poles or ropes.

[1806] My stomach is still out from all the saline solution.

[1807] 7 % reported a connection with weight lifting.

[1808] What is the saline solution?

[1809] They had to pump in your, they pumped salient.

[1810] Because I was so dehydrated.

[1811] Yeah, they pumped five big IV bags in.

[1812] And so, like, I feel like okay now, but I still have all the water weight.

[1813] Now, when you were really sick, did you try to drink water or was the dehydration from throwing up?

[1814] I tried, but I threw it up.

[1815] Wow.

[1816] I threw up on somebody giving me x -rays in the hospital.

[1817] Whoa.

[1818] Yeah.

[1819] It was bad.

[1820] Wow.

[1821] It was really, really bad.

[1822] So what did you call the place that gave you the crab cake in Phoenix?

[1823] Well, it was at my hotel.

[1824] Oh.

[1825] But their insurance is paying whatever my insurance.

[1826] Really?

[1827] So they've admitted that it's their fault?

[1828] I had two meals that day, and they were both at my hotel.

[1829] Oh, wow.

[1830] There's no, like, question.

[1831] No if fans were butts.

[1832] I was there working.

[1833] I'd done press all morning.

[1834] Like, they were, I didn't drink or anything like that.

[1835] I ate clams.

[1836] They were being cool about it.

[1837] I ate clams.

[1838] in Illinois, Mantino, Illinois and kind of fucking horribly sick once that, you know, that night like five, six hours later, it just started to hit me. The cramping was the worst.

[1839] Yeah.

[1840] You know, like when you're dry heaving.

[1841] How long did it take before it kicked in?

[1842] Maybe an hour and a half.

[1843] After you ate it, only an hour and a half?

[1844] Yeah.

[1845] Really?

[1846] Mm -hmm.

[1847] Wow, that's incredible.

[1848] That must be really bad.

[1849] They say it takes hours usually.

[1850] Sometimes it is, but I had the same thing happen to me. Really?

[1851] Like about two months ago where I was driving home, I was like, I'm going to shit myself right now and I feel like to make puke out the bubbling inside of you yeah it was bad it hit like a little like an hour and a half two hours and then it really hit the worst one ever got me was from a mushroom pizza I was in Providence Rhode Island in a comedy club and I ordered a mushroom pizza one of those frozen pizzas holy shit that was the only thing I ate and holy shit what do you think it was the mushrooms the mushrooms especially it's very possible that in these places like they dehydrate things or He's rather de -frost things and then re -freeze them.

[1852] Oh, and that's really bad.

[1853] Really bad.

[1854] Can you eat mushroom pizza now?

[1855] Yeah, sure.

[1856] You can.

[1857] I don't think, I can't imagine ever.

[1858] I couldn't even say the word crab cake until today.

[1859] Well, I threw up when I was a kid to some Jack Daniels.

[1860] I was like 14.

[1861] Me too.

[1862] Oh, nice.

[1863] That was my like first puking from booze.

[1864] Yeah, I threw up in a cab.

[1865] I threw up on the street.

[1866] How much did you drink?

[1867] I don't remember.

[1868] It was a lot, though.

[1869] You were throwing up while having sex?

[1870] Have I?

[1871] No. Or have it been with a girl that threw up?

[1872] couple having pretty close like we're about to get it on and then she started throwing up oh my god yeah i've had that i had oh would you just finish in her hair just punch out jerk off in her mouth just hold her down grab her hair she tries to fight it's for her skin it's not because you wanted to have an orgasm you get a pin down the left arm with your shin the right arm you how horrible that's your move that's games of throne style that is that's the one thing you see like all the the the raping and pillaging going on back then It's the best.

[1873] That's really how people live.

[1874] They just took whatever they wanted.

[1875] You really had to put out.

[1876] Yeah, there wasn't a lot of arguing with barbarians.

[1877] There was no like, oh, let's wait.

[1878] Like, let's wait a month.

[1879] It was like, get on your knees.

[1880] Do you find yourself not attractive to a man if he is, if he's like struggling or if he doesn't have his shit together or if he makes less money than you or is less successful than you?

[1881] Oh, my God.

[1882] I am like a blue collar fever.

[1883] I've never dated.

[1884] at anyone with money.

[1885] I like dudes, like, I like the Marlon Brando street car.

[1886] Yeah.

[1887] You're like a poet with no money?

[1888] Yeah.

[1889] Really?

[1890] Yeah, I like, yeah, I'm easy.

[1891] I want like a guy that's smart and yeah, who knows how to fuck me. If you got a guy and he understands your job is to be smart and nice and know how to fuck me. And then we can get married and then you guys could go on the road together and he could just like, what, read books and no, I don't, I need a lot of alone time.

[1892] Oh, well, I didn't know he's going to be eating my pussy all that much.

[1893] Yeah, he can come.

[1894] He can come.

[1895] I'll be a Denver.

[1896] No, I, yeah.

[1897] What's your ideal guy?

[1898] I don't know.

[1899] I hope I have not met anybody like whoever he is yet.

[1900] But yeah, I think I want like a simple ass, like smart, confident dude that's easy.

[1901] With no job or should you have a job?

[1902] Like a job would be nice.

[1903] But I don't.

[1904] But it doesn't have to have one for you.

[1905] Well, like I want him to want, he could be like something weird like a sculptor.

[1906] something like I don't need him to have like a great job well listen there's a lot of sculptors in Vegas for real no I really don't want to date a sculptor that was a bad well those guys don't have to work on like the Venetian stop sculpting get a job really oh my god no I don't know sculptors all over the world right now just lost hope I would I really don't think I would ever date a guy in finance or something like that like some of suit wearing I don't think I would date in a guy that wore a suit too scary or too boring like all those evil scary boring I can't Those guys aren't, most of them are normal guys.

[1907] One of my best friends is an accountant, and he's fucking crazy.

[1908] Maybe I'll wind up with that.

[1909] He's crazy.

[1910] He's just stuck buttoned down all day, but, you know, he loves, like, when I talk to him on the phone.

[1911] He's crazy.

[1912] He's a regular dude, but he just has a job, and he's good at it, so he gets paid well.

[1913] So, you know, that's what he does.

[1914] You like cats and dogs?

[1915] I like dogs.

[1916] Do you hate cats?

[1917] Kind of.

[1918] What the fuck kind of questions are these, Brian?

[1919] You always bring something down to us.

[1920] six year old level writing out her profile for what's your favorite color no i'm good please tell me the truth i need you know we start playing mash i need to know i think i don't know what i want yeah are our men intimidated by the fact that you're a comedian ever i would assume so yeah i don't know they don't want to start talking shit yeah they've seen you at roasts they know like to lay them you went head to head with mike tyson yeah i'm not gonna be scared of so don't want to talk shit with you Fireman from Hoboken.

[1921] Yeah, is that what you're looking for?

[1922] Fireman from Hoboken.

[1923] That's what I want.

[1924] Just like a Patrick Swayze type dude in a movie from the 1980s.

[1925] Talk slower.

[1926] Yeah.

[1927] Yeah, take your pants.

[1928] I don't know what I want.

[1929] I have no idea.

[1930] We're not trying to marry you off, right?

[1931] We just went down that road and we stuck with it for no reason.

[1932] Yeah.

[1933] Trying to get some entertainment out of it.

[1934] So here's the podcast.

[1935] I'm sorry, you guys.

[1936] I was supposed to make it funny and I'm like really telling you.

[1937] Here's the podcast.

[1938] She goes on a date.

[1939] Every episode's a different date that we hook you up with.

[1940] It's a good way to get her killed.

[1941] Yeah.

[1942] Yeah.

[1943] You guys are going to be murdered in one week.

[1944] Yeah, you can't trust men.

[1945] Too many dudes are creepy.

[1946] It would be nice we can trust them, but we can't really send you out.

[1947] No, it's all people we know, though, or something.

[1948] Come on, man. How many dudes do you know?

[1949] I'm not going, you guys aren't setting me up.

[1950] I really truly don't trust you guys.

[1951] No. I have a lot of black friends.

[1952] It's fine.

[1953] I've never been with a black guy.

[1954] He's got a lot of black and lesbian friends.

[1955] So he's got whatever you need that's going to shock your parents.

[1956] I'm going to Asian girls.

[1957] Asian girls.

[1958] That's what I want.

[1959] So there's this thing that happened today that I don't totally completely understand, but it's some new Obama Jobs Act that he just signed, and Matt Taibi wrote this blog about how fucking terrible it is.

[1960] What's the act?

[1961] I don't completely understand it, but the way it's been explained to me is that it essentially almost legalizes fraud.

[1962] The idea is that it used to be that if you wanted to take a company public, you had to file all sorts of paperwork and have a hiring account and have all these financial statements in place, but now they say you don't need to hire an accountant before the company is taken public, nor do you need to do so for five years after the company goes public.

[1963] So it's almost like you can fucking lie about your financial statements for five years without any independent accounting of your claims.

[1964] I don't totally completely understand it.

[1965] I'm reading Matt Taibis getting money and lying.

[1966] And when things go public, manipulating the stock market.

[1967] I don't understand what the pros are of this thing.

[1968] might have.

[1969] See, when they sign an act, there's usually a lot of shit in there.

[1970] It's not just one statement.

[1971] Right, but people pull out the one thing and that's...

[1972] They put things in like this that make it easier for certain businesses or make it easier for certain special interest groups that, you know, it's like, we'll give you this, but you've got to give us that.

[1973] So I don't know what the positive benefit of this Jobs Act is.

[1974] We've got to find out.

[1975] But according to Matt Taibi, it's really crazy.

[1976] It's really strange.

[1977] He equates it.

[1978] He says it's like formally eliminating steroid testing for the first five years of a baseball player's career.

[1979] You can pretty much bet you're going to see a lot of home runs in those first few years after the institute a rule like that.

[1980] But you better be ready to stick a lot of asterisk in the record books 10 or 15 years down the line, which is a great analogy.

[1981] If this is correct, if you really don't have to have the proper accounting for a, company to go public for the first five years that's like this is craziness it's like they keep passing more and more laws and they keep doing more and more things to control people and to make it to limit our ability to defend ourselves against the government and they keep doing more and more things that allow people to somehow another siphon money out of the system and you got to wonder where does this end when they stop making new bills and start trying to fix this fucking ridiculous government that we have.

[1982] Well, the foreclosure bill, what we were just talking about with the four, how all those houses foreclosing, Obama just passed that, that bill.

[1983] What does that bill?

[1984] What does it do?

[1985] Is it good?

[1986] Yeah, I thought it was pretty good.

[1987] It sounded pretty good.

[1988] What does it do?

[1989] It just like, it, it, it, um, there were a bunch of different facets of it, but one of it was like, your house can't be foreclosed on, um, in the first three years, like if you served in the military.

[1990] Like, just things that you, you were like, this wasn't already a rule.

[1991] Right.

[1992] Um, yeah, just, like, like, helping out the, like, middle -level people get a chance.

[1993] Yeah, so, like, try to get their house back.

[1994] Well, I'm all pro that, but this is terrible.

[1995] I need to know more about this.

[1996] I need to know more about this, too.

[1997] But what I'm reading right now is fucking terrifying.

[1998] I just, I see all these things like the National Defense Authorization Act, all these different rules that are going to allow them to have fucking drones in the sky in the next 20 years.

[1999] It's going to be 30 ,000 drones flying through the sky.

[2000] What's a drone?

[2001] Flying a machine.

[2002] That can take video and send back real -time data and work on a 4G connection or by that time, you know, 7 or 8 -G, whatever the fuck is.

[2003] You guys have so much information in here.

[2004] I think ignorance is bliss.

[2005] I'm going to keep on being retarded.

[2006] It's probably a good move.

[2007] I agree.

[2008] You got to find that dude that doesn't have a job who likes to play a cello.

[2009] I'm cool without a dude right now, you guys.

[2010] I feel like you guys think I just go home and I'm just like, man. A dude would have taken care of you with some good dick and you wouldn't have that food poised thing.

[2011] You think?

[2012] Straighten out.

[2013] Yeah.

[2014] You throw up once.

[2015] Get it all out of your system.

[2016] him.

[2017] He pumps you full with some hot lead energizes you back up.

[2018] Can you imagine if loads actually energized you?

[2019] If women would be mad if you didn't fuck them because...

[2020] I would never fight with a dude again.

[2021] Yeah, because that's the way you got by.

[2022] Could you imagine if we needed each other that way?

[2023] Like we were like, you know, like if you hit the brakes on one of those electric cars, it actually recharges the battery.

[2024] Could you imagine if that's the way humans recharge we had to fuck?

[2025] Like procreating is not enough for us to stay together.

[2026] It's got to be something more appealing.

[2027] What if we start evolving like that in that direction?

[2028] You know, they say that people need physical attention.

[2029] You absolutely need affection from other people.

[2030] It's like our bodies like need it.

[2031] Yeah.

[2032] It desires it at a core level.

[2033] What if it turns into not just that, but you actually need to fuck?

[2034] And then if you don't fuck, your body just rots away and dies.

[2035] And the only way to keep moving is if you have to fuck.

[2036] You have to fuck.

[2037] You have to fuck.

[2038] What if you're gay?

[2039] So you'd be mad.

[2040] You, I don't know.

[2041] With gay guys, it's probably like engineer, do some just.

[2042] genetic engineering on their loads so that they figured out how a guy can absorb it through his ass we'd have to time it right like what if a guy had to take a shit and then he takes a shit and shits out all the good sperm and then you don't evolve you really have to figure out the timing on that seriously it's not preposterous to think that we would need each I mean we need each other I mean we get it you know how you get addicted to sex right if you're in a relationship and you first start having sex sure especially right in the beginning yeah don't you feel like it's all you think about exactly you start thinking about it when you can't wait to get together with you each other.

[2043] Yeah, it's like a total drug.

[2044] Yeah, it is like a turtle drug.

[2045] But that's one of the reasons why people are so angry when people leave them.

[2046] It's like you're taking my drug away.

[2047] Yeah.

[2048] You're taking my thing away.

[2049] Right.

[2050] What if it was even more intense than that?

[2051] It literally got to a point where your body would register very obvious changes whether or not you had sperm inside your body.

[2052] It's actual withdrawal.

[2053] Yeah.

[2054] And whether a guy got rid of it.

[2055] The guy has to get rid of it he doesn't get rid of it like he's burning him up you know it's not much different than reality i would rather die than have sex with anybody i've ever had sex with ever in the past is there one guy when you look back and go that one could have worked out better maybe i just fucking should have went for that finger in the ass thing did what you asked no i i've always gone for the finger in the ass um but no i yeah no i've ever had a guy ask you to do something creepy and you were like that's where i got to go i don't think i've ever had any of asked me something that was too creepy that I said no a girl told me to fuck her cunt once I was like whoa it was just like whoa did it make is that what you call it isn't that what it is like oh I mean could we change your terminology a little bit see I just I talked about this on um on O and A but I was like dirty texting with a guy and he like and I wrote something like um like I was going to sit on his face or something and like a and and he wrote back like all right but like oral's going to go both ways and I was just like what is this a negotiation like a douchebag I think I think what it comes to like talking shit in the bedroom you like it's got to kind of be anything goes unless it's in complete insanity but like if a guy's ever mentioned something I've said while loving sex after I'm like are you fucking crazy like that is we do not talk about that that is a secret that is a circle of trust that you are like I would never be like wow at dinner after you fuck someone you talk shit you're like so um call me a whore non -stop like you got to just you got to just keep it keep it in there yeah if something makes you uncomfortable you have to be like that's not cool don't don't call me your sister yeah what do you Something like that happens.

[2056] You pull them aside like when you're having dinner or do you like, oh, can I talk to you for a second?

[2057] How do you write that ship?

[2058] I've just broken up with them.

[2059] Too much work.

[2060] I had one guy.

[2061] The sex got too weird.

[2062] In what way?

[2063] We needed to watch people.

[2064] He, like, he needed to watch me watch porn.

[2065] And at first it was like, okay.

[2066] It's pretty hot.

[2067] It was fun at first.

[2068] And then it was like.

[2069] That's all he wanted to do.

[2070] He wanted to catch me watching porn.

[2071] and then have sex while I watched porn And like That's kind of hot It was fun It is kind of hot But I don't like the catching you I just want you to What if it's like creepy porn This is porn with girls of the tits Are just way too big And they stretch out And you see the bag Every time they flop up And then That is No it was like pretty Pretty normal run in the mill DP It's hard getting Regular normal porn Everybody wants to throw up And gag Spitting assholes It's hard It's hard finding regular porn these days.

[2072] Oh, it's easy.

[2073] It's not too hard.

[2074] I see a lot of gagging.

[2075] There's a lot of...

[2076] Well, the website's you go to.

[2077] When did that become the fucking normal move?

[2078] Every fucking one.

[2079] It's not even on it.

[2080] They're not even.

[2081] They can't really close their mouth because the guy's kind of fucking the back of their throw.

[2082] I just wish they were like mix of the ending sometimes.

[2083] It's like spoiler alert.

[2084] She's going to get a load on her face.

[2085] Oh, don't ruin the ending of this one.

[2086] They're all the same.

[2087] Well, sometimes they do what they call cream pies.

[2088] That's very popular now.

[2089] What is that?

[2090] That's like when they show it inside the pussy.

[2091] Yes, the man orgasms in the girl's pussy, and then she squirts it out.

[2092] Oh, she squirts it out.

[2093] Yeah, she spreads her lips and it oozes out of her.

[2094] And there's anal cream pies and we're going to put your cream fries and mom cream pies.

[2095] Yeah, there's oral cream pies.

[2096] You kids these.

[2097] I can't keep up.

[2098] I can't keep up.

[2099] Yeah, no, I. You got to be a strong man to date one of those girls.

[2100] Like, I never watch the end of porn.

[2101] Yeah, I never get to.

[2102] You know, it's like, I only need the...

[2103] Do you watch porn by yourself?

[2104] Yeah.

[2105] Really?

[2106] Yeah.

[2107] Do you watch porn because you're excited by it?

[2108] Because a lot of girls are not.

[2109] I am.

[2110] You are.

[2111] Yeah.

[2112] You're a freak.

[2113] I don't know.

[2114] I don't know yet.

[2115] I'm still figuring myself out.

[2116] A little bit.

[2117] No, but I like, I didn't like porn when I was younger.

[2118] I was like, I was living with a boyfriend and like he would watch porn and I would like see that he had like left on the computer and I would be like, that's like cheating on me. and I was young and dumb And then this poor guy Because now I like love porn Wow Yeah no I watch porn Have you ever thought about doing like the Avian awards Like hosting that?

[2119] A lot of comments have done it I would love to host this like escort awards this year For like hookers?

[2120] Yeah they have an award show I think it's just guys But they have an award show It was in New York Wait a minute Guy escorts It's male escorts It must be gay I don't know But they Right before they DUR They said, we, I think they saw my stand -up and fired me. I don't know.

[2121] Oh, really?

[2122] I don't know what it was.

[2123] I don't know.

[2124] But they, uh, they were like, oh, we decided not to have a comic.

[2125] Well, they probably saw.

[2126] They probably saw you and thought, this bitch is going to talk about us for like 10 minutes in her act.

[2127] You would, for sure, that would be part of your act.

[2128] I would have.

[2129] I was so excited.

[2130] The money wasn't that great.

[2131] I was like, oh, of course, I'll do it.

[2132] Wow.

[2133] They were like, I think they made like a, they tried to insult me with how low the offer was.

[2134] I was like, nice try.

[2135] I'm coming.

[2136] I was like, I'm going to be there.

[2137] So did you wind up doing it or no?

[2138] No, they said they didn't want a comic.

[2139] Kind of at the last minute.

[2140] They're probably scared of you.

[2141] I think so.

[2142] I would have.

[2143] This is before or after the roast?

[2144] After.

[2145] Oh, yeah.

[2146] They're terrified.

[2147] They probably just didn't sell enough tickets also.

[2148] Oh, I doubt it.

[2149] No, it's an annual event.

[2150] It's just filled with freaks.

[2151] And they probably someone said, do you realize that you're opening up the gates of hell?

[2152] Do you realize that by exposing our award show to this comedian who gets to go on national television and talk about us?

[2153] Yeah, there must be a lot of.

[2154] Like that sort of like Paul Lynn sort of angry gay guy just like I don't know like I like I like that whole industry because I really don't judge those people at all like just like sex industry and strippers like the male hooker industry is the that's a dark wing of that world I wonder what those two are like when there's a guy who got caught who is a white house press correspondent or white house press reporter who got caught what he got caught and turned out that he was running a gay porn site a gay excuse me gay escort site like military a gay military escort site.

[2155] He don't remember that.

[2156] His name was, I think I believe his name was Jeff Gannon.

[2157] And he would, he would lob these really, like, underhand, slow pitch statement questions to the president, to President Bush at the time.

[2158] Mr. Bush, Mr. President, when are the Democrats going to get their head out of the sand and realize, like, literally, he was a reporter.

[2159] And people would go, who fuck is this guy?

[2160] Bush wanted him in there every time.

[2161] He was his go -to guy, of course.

[2162] And he actually stayed at the White House.

[2163] This guy had slept over at the White House.

[2164] And he turned out he had some gay military escort website where it was him lying there naked with like a towel over his dick wearing a dog tag.

[2165] Damn.

[2166] Yeah.

[2167] And it was all just about sucking dick as a soldier and taking military gay sex.

[2168] Whoa, but this guy was in.

[2169] In the White House.

[2170] didn't in and they don't know what the fuck that was all about who was who is the you know was it ken star i mean who is it um which one of those that leaked those guys was the the gay guy there was another guy that's the uh the guy was the mastermind for bush's campaign what the fuck is his name the man behind bush i don't know i just watched j edgar and that that gay love story was kind of hot that movie was boring but i liked like uh i i i don't get turned on by gay dudes having sex with each other but i don't get turned on by gay dudes having sex with each other I would have liked to have seen them have sexed with each other.

[2171] You would have liked to have seen those guys?

[2172] I would love to see Leo and Army Hammer.

[2173] Are you serious?

[2174] Please.

[2175] I don't care who's bending who over.

[2176] I'm watching.

[2177] Are you going to be a town Wednesday?

[2178] Yeah.

[2179] Do you want to do the comedy show here at the Ice House?

[2180] Do I have to drive here again?

[2181] No, just kidding.

[2182] Yeah.

[2183] Can I?

[2184] Yeah.

[2185] Sure.

[2186] 9 o 'clock.

[2187] Okay.

[2188] Carl Rove.

[2189] Oh, yeah.

[2190] Yeah, it was supposed to be super gay.

[2191] Oh, yeah.

[2192] Well, no chicks fucking.

[2193] I'm just making this up by the way, Carl, I could be totally wrong.

[2194] Please don't show me. Carl's, it loves this podcast.

[2195] I don't know who the fuck it was that was gay.

[2196] Let's just say that.

[2197] I have no idea.

[2198] I'm just totally guessing out of my ass.

[2199] But whoever it was, somebody knew this guy, and somebody got this guy gig there.

[2200] And that guy turned out to be a fucking gay male escorts.

[2201] And it was deep in the white house.

[2202] It was in there.

[2203] I guess people back then just thought, well, the internet's so big.

[2204] Who's going to find this?

[2205] Right.

[2206] They didn't understand search engines.

[2207] Yeah.

[2208] Shit.

[2209] that I'll catch up to you if you're in the White House, I guess.

[2210] You imagine thinking that you're just going to pull that off.

[2211] Like, you know, gay escort, stay at the White House.

[2212] No one's going to know.

[2213] How are they going to know?

[2214] Fuck.

[2215] Dude, I know that guy.

[2216] I think about the things they pulled off before the Internet.

[2217] Oh, yeah.

[2218] Oh, my God.

[2219] Well, they say that Nixon was gay.

[2220] A guy just wrote a book about Nixon being gay.

[2221] And there's a photo of him with this smaller Hispanic man who was with a small dog, you know, which, by the way.

[2222] What is that?

[2223] If you have a small dog, you're either a bad motherfucker or you might be gay.

[2224] I mean, back then, in those days.

[2225] A dude with a tiny dog, that's tough to.

[2226] Maybe, or maybe, you know, maybe he's a bad motherfucker.

[2227] Like my friend Mayhem, he's an MMA fighter.

[2228] He's got a Dotson.

[2229] In me, a Pekinese.

[2230] Chuck Liddell.

[2231] When he was the UFC light heavyweight champion, he always had this little chihuahua he took everywhere.

[2232] But he was such a bad motherfucker.

[2233] He could totally pull it off.

[2234] Really?

[2235] That's funny.

[2236] A lot of gay guys walking around with a dog in a purse.

[2237] I lost mine in a divorce.

[2238] I'm sorry.

[2239] I mean, I got my.

[2240] I don't like the people in L .A. of like these beautiful dogs.

[2241] You could just see that they're just using them as like an accessory.

[2242] There's a lot of that.

[2243] Like that dog's supposed to represent them.

[2244] They like the way it looks.

[2245] And a woman with a dog is not alone.

[2246] She's busy with my dog.

[2247] Come honey.

[2248] We got to go.

[2249] Sorry.

[2250] Thank you.

[2251] We're going.

[2252] It's always we.

[2253] Yeah.

[2254] Just fucking be an adult.

[2255] For real, a woman with a dog is is two people.

[2256] It's like she can weed it where she can get away.

[2257] Excuse me. I'm busy.

[2258] I have to walk my dog.

[2259] You probably want that into her.

[2260] relationship with someone you're like oh good she's distracted but up top that's got to be tough and too if like you're tired of these boring ass conversations yeah go talk to the dog here go play with your dog yeah and then get ready walk the dog get ready when i come around to sling dick do you car no has anybody ever said to you uh be ready when i come home and sling dick no that sounds good though i think i want a guy that'll say that really yeah no nobody write that to me on twitter it's gonna have to be a compliment man of course i'm gonna get a hundred at least Slinging dicks.

[2261] Yeah, it's inevitable now.

[2262] I'm coming home to sling dick.

[2263] That's going to be, that's going to be someone's new signature on a message or someone.

[2264] That's what happens though.

[2265] Like I'll forget that we said this and then I'll be in Denver and some dude will come up after the show and be like, how about we get, I'll sling.

[2266] And I'll be like, I'm calling the cops on you, you fucking rapist.

[2267] I wonder how much does that really happens.

[2268] That seems like it would happen a lot.

[2269] That happens all the time.

[2270] I mean, how much crazy shit do you get a lot of crazy people that tweet you after you did the last one?

[2271] Yeah, mostly not crazy.

[2272] People were nice to you?

[2273] People were really nice.

[2274] Yeah, that's cool.

[2275] I'm back.

[2276] Yeah, I'm sensitive and I'm back.

[2277] Yeah, no, like it was nice.

[2278] And people like will come up and they'll say like, oh, I'm a fan of Rogan's podcast and that's how I found you.

[2279] People like to say how they found you.

[2280] Yeah.

[2281] Well, they like to profess that you like that they like something that they hope you like to.

[2282] Yeah.

[2283] I found you on ONA and I'll go, oh, I fucking love ONA and then we're in.

[2284] You have that common.

[2285] You know, ONA party rock, you know.

[2286] Yeah.

[2287] Yeah, if somebody likes that, you know, like, that you can kind of connect on other shit.

[2288] Yeah, yeah.

[2289] I mean, it's like if someone's a fan of a particular team, you know, you walk up to a guy and he's wearing a Celtics jacket.

[2290] Yeah.

[2291] I love Laurie Bird.

[2292] I like, I like, you're a good person.

[2293] Do you think you'd think about dating a professional baseball player, or would that be too much pressure?

[2294] I don't know.

[2295] I went out with a couple of athletes lately.

[2296] Yeah?

[2297] Yeah, it seems like, I don't know.

[2298] I think they need, like, a cheerleader and, like, I'm busy.

[2299] Oh, yeah.

[2300] Yeah, especially if they're, like, super driven and concentrating on their goals.

[2301] Yeah, well, that's cool.

[2302] I like that, but I don't, I don't want them to need me to be, like, standing there, like.

[2303] Want to come to the game?

[2304] Yeah, like I. Can you wear team colors?

[2305] Yeah.

[2306] I made a dress for you.

[2307] You know, I only win when you wear pink.

[2308] You fucking bitch.

[2309] What are you doing wearing magenta?

[2310] I'm like, I have a show.

[2311] I have to do radio.

[2312] Your show is more important than my game.

[2313] Yes.

[2314] Whoa.

[2315] Yeah, I don't.

[2316] fucking show this is a championship game I don't want to like learn the rules of a new sport ew yeah what if you did a cricket player oh my god are you doing out there that's so funny he said that I was talking to a dude really I'm not interested I don't want to learn about cricket who's the English Australian oh Australia they play cricket too and then we're in India I think and that's it India I was in St. Lucia they were all going fucking crazy where exactly is that on the map um it's like it's in like the West Indies it's just it's by how long is that on a plan.

[2317] It was six from New York.

[2318] Woo.

[2319] Yeah.

[2320] And then we took a helicopter to our hotel, to our couples, fucking love chamber.

[2321] So the thing about those, that area, like if you go down like Bahamas, Jamaica, or if you go like in the Atlantic, South Atlantic, you got to worry about storms.

[2322] Yeah, this was not the season.

[2323] But there's like five months where if you go there, you're just like, I hope I don't die.

[2324] There's five months where there's a lot of tourists that go there because it's less money.

[2325] Yeah.

[2326] And you take some wild chances.

[2327] They're so aggressive, though, because, like, tourists only come for a couple of months.

[2328] So every, we did a ton of shit.

[2329] We, like, hiked this crazy mountain, and we would go to, like, these bad.

[2330] We did all this stuff.

[2331] And every time you leave the hotel, they're, like, just trying to sell you a fucking necklace.

[2332] And you're like, no, but they need to come at you that hard because.

[2333] That's all they got.

[2334] Yeah, it's all they have.

[2335] And the guys that hit on you there, like, that's a whole other ballgame.

[2336] They're so aggressive.

[2337] And they're hoping that you either of, like, white guilt or that you're scared of black people.

[2338] and I'm neither so I was just like Like what do they do They just like come at you And like yeah like they just dance Like they're gonna be like mad at you Tell you you don't Give me an example like what's the accent like Oh like I can't I have no idea Is it like Jamaican sort of Jamaican Oh Oh you're dialect coach Keeps chiming in He's so authentic Flawless intonations It's authentic 12 year old cartoons Oh my god I feel like you were made by a computer Yeah he doesn't seem well Domirara couldn't figure him out.

[2339] Domirrara stood there.

[2340] Where'd you get him?

[2341] Joe, where'd you get this guy?

[2342] Out of all the people in the world.

[2343] Yeah.

[2344] What are we just talking about?

[2345] Like the islanders there.

[2346] Islanders, what is their accent?

[2347] There were some really sweet people though.

[2348] What does the accent sound like?

[2349] It's like a Jamaican sort of thing.

[2350] So give me like a black guy comes up to you.

[2351] What's going on?

[2352] How's you do it?

[2353] I don't know.

[2354] I'm sorry, I'm so not giving you one.

[2355] He's like ready to play.

[2356] Hey, Mon, would you like to buy some weed?

[2357] Brian, Brian is the black guy.

[2358] There were rosters.

[2359] There were rosters.

[2360] What do we do?

[2361] What do we do?

[2362] What are we doing?

[2363] What are we doing?

[2364] What do we doing?

[2365] What do we do in?

[2366] What do we do in?

[2367] What do you want?

[2368] You're doing like the Jew?

[2369] I'm trying to be a black man on an island.

[2370] Oh, it's getting closer.

[2371] You want some more of this good dick right here?

[2372] That's good.

[2373] Is that what it is?

[2374] Yeah.

[2375] They'll have to grab their dicks.

[2376] So they dance in front of you.

[2377] I didn't see any dick grabbing.

[2378] Not crotch grabbing like Michael Jackson style, nothing?

[2379] Well, a little crotch grabbing.

[2380] Really?

[2381] Yeah, I think a little crotch grabbing.

[2382] How often did this take place?

[2383] during your travels when we left the hotel really yeah but there were some great people I'm not there were great dick grabbers not like big no they were great guys they're gonna hear about this there were some really sweet guys the next time you go down there I heard that shit you said about me I hope sandals I hears this and then they go fuck themselves you think carnival curds and I before we went I was like it's not all couples right they were like no no no I was like okay is that how carnival cruises is also because I would imagine that would be the same yeah no I've been on a ton of cruises how is sandals all couples is Did you see any families there?

[2384] Zero.

[2385] Well, it's no kids allowed.

[2386] No kids allowed.

[2387] How old can the kid be?

[2388] Can it be 18?

[2389] No children.

[2390] Like, you can't bring anything that you made, I don't think.

[2391] Oh, maybe there were, um, nothing that you made.

[2392] Probably 18, probably 18, yeah.

[2393] But then they can drink down there if it's 18.

[2394] Yeah.

[2395] They have crazy drinking laws.

[2396] It's all exclusive.

[2397] Yeah, you can drink.

[2398] You can bring it on the street.

[2399] It's like New Orleans.

[2400] New Orleans is amazing like that, isn't it?

[2401] I love New Orleans.

[2402] It's my favorite place in America.

[2403] This is the one place in America that I say you should have, you should have to have a passport to go to New Orleans, this is not America.

[2404] That place is the best.

[2405] People walking on the street with beers in their hands right by cops, and the cops are talking to them and everybody's friendly.

[2406] Such a good vibe down there.

[2407] If I ever, like, really make money, I want a place there.

[2408] I wanted to film my comedy special in New Orleans, but I didn't time it right.

[2409] My timing sucked.

[2410] But that place is amazing.

[2411] I love it.

[2412] So friendly and fun.

[2413] I did a show there.

[2414] I did the House of Blues there.

[2415] It was one of my favorite all -time shows.

[2416] I saw a show there.

[2417] What a great place.

[2418] Everybody's standing?

[2419] Yeah, we went to, and then we watched some burlesque.

[2420] What a hustle that is.

[2421] What a nonsense hustle those burlesque shows are?

[2422] Isn't it just like fat strippers?

[2423] Oh, yeah.

[2424] Well, one of them, it was really weird.

[2425] Like there was a guy, like a carnival barker dude, comes on.

[2426] He's got a big handlebar mustache, and he's dressed kind of crazy.

[2427] Like he's from another time.

[2428] There was a couple people that actually had a pretty dope act.

[2429] And one of them, there was a guy and a girl, and they had like little hula hoops.

[2430] And the guy would throw the girl up in the air, and she would land on his shoulders.

[2431] that she would, it was really, really a great act.

[2432] And they were like hula hooping together while the girl was on top and the guy was like holding her up with his hands.

[2433] They knew what the fuck they were doing.

[2434] They planned it out.

[2435] And then the next one was literally an overweight woman who dances.

[2436] And the guy introduces her saying that beautiful things come at all packages.

[2437] Literally said this.

[2438] So he like gave it out.

[2439] And she wasn't obese.

[2440] It wasn't like disgusting where he had to warn us.

[2441] But scores is not hiring her.

[2442] Yeah, no, scores is not hiring her.

[2443] And so she gets up there and she's got this bright smile on her face and it's like this weird thing that everyone's dressed from like a period piece but essentially all she did was stand there and dance That's the emperor's new clothes Yeah and that all art She took a little bit of the clothes off at the end She was kind of in like sort of a bikini type of thing And then she got off and everybody clapped And I'm like fuck really I'm like what is going on here?

[2444] Why are we pretending like that was exciting?

[2445] It was real weird And we were complaining I'm sorry but we were complaining about The people around us were getting upset We had to leave Oh really Everybody else is like, you guys are complaining.

[2446] We were like, there's a man behind that curtain.

[2447] Yeah.

[2448] He's pulling the levers.

[2449] We can see it from here.

[2450] Exactly.

[2451] This is not real.

[2452] I'm glad you said something.

[2453] Well, we were just like, what is this?

[2454] Yeah, like it just, you just like truth.

[2455] You're just like, can we not pretend like that was something that should happen again?

[2456] Well, it was two comics in me. It was me, Duncan and Felicia Michaels.

[2457] Yeah.

[2458] And Jeff, who was our driver in New Orleans, who was cool as fuck too.

[2459] And we're all, you know, we're all looking at this going, what the fuck are we watching?

[2460] What is this?

[2461] This is nonsense.

[2462] That fucking place, the food?

[2463] The best food anywhere.

[2464] I went to Amsterdam and we went to a sex show.

[2465] Did you see those?

[2466] Have you seen those?

[2467] No, tell me what you saw.

[2468] Well, they were really depressing.

[2469] It was like totally clinical.

[2470] Really?

[2471] So it would be like there was a DJ.

[2472] And then like a bed would be wheeled out on stage.

[2473] It would be like this French guy and he's like, this is Michel and her lover Matt.

[2474] And they kind of like both come out in the bed.

[2475] And then they're like, they wave, and then they, like, start, like, a second of kind of, like, for play that's choreographed, and then they start fucking.

[2476] Like, he starts fucking her.

[2477] And the bed's rotating, and it's to music, and he's banging her to the beat.

[2478] And then after, like, three minutes, they're like, thank you.

[2479] And then they turn to the crowd, and they wave, and the curtain closes, and the bed goes.

[2480] And then this girl would come out in between people having sex.

[2481] And, like, kind of like a burlesque type stripper.

[2482] She's kind of hot, like high school friend hot.

[2483] And she didn't really know what she was doing.

[2484] She danced like she was auditioning for, like, the Palm Squad.

[2485] So she'd be in, like, a brawn underwear, and she would just be like, like, just kind of dancing around.

[2486] And it was interesting.

[2487] It was, like, kind of interesting to watch.

[2488] Yeah.

[2489] But just nothing was sexy about the whole experience.

[2490] And then somebody in a gorilla suit comes out with a fake dick and squiris.

[2491] squirts it on the crowd what that was the whole show that was a whole show but how long was the whole show what was the time uh i think it was like an hour so the other stuff was just like filler yeah filler between people having sex wow but the DJ was pretty funny like they were funny with each other and they're like thank you oh she's back from her tour of the you know it's just it was all kind of like ironic but there was not a second of anything sensual or exciting wow I think the I'm I wonder if they do that on purpose.

[2492] Like, nobody there would have been, no one was taking their dick out.

[2493] Like, it was just like.

[2494] Maybe that's probably exactly what they're doing.

[2495] They had a show at the Riviera that they used to do called Crazy Girls.

[2496] It's still there.

[2497] Is it still there?

[2498] Oh, my God.

[2499] That, who's hosting it now?

[2500] I don't know.

[2501] Let me see.

[2502] The Rive is so funny.

[2503] We were just, I don't stay there, but we were just in a record store before I started puking my guts out, listening to old comedy albums.

[2504] And Tody Fields had one.

[2505] When it starts, it's like live from the Riviera.

[2506] I mean, Jackie, we're so psyched.

[2507] And Woody Allen had one.

[2508] Like, there's a lot of history at that place.

[2509] But yeah, Crazy Girls is up and running.

[2510] Dean Martin was the host of front.

[2511] Wow, Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin used to do shows the Riviera.

[2512] Okay.

[2513] Yeah.

[2514] I stayed in Frank Sinatra sweet once.

[2515] At the Rift?

[2516] My friend, Steve Sharipa.

[2517] Steve Sharpa used to run the, you know, Steve.

[2518] Yeah, no, I know.

[2519] He used to be the booker.

[2520] Yeah.

[2521] It doesn't see her host is.

[2522] It's like such a cool old Vegas showroom.

[2523] Yeah, Steve Sharpa is a great story.

[2524] He was a guy who was the talent coordinator at the Riviera, and then all of a sudden he got a sopranos.

[2525] Yeah.

[2526] And then it turned into a real career as an actor, writing books and shit.

[2527] It's nuts.

[2528] Yeah.

[2529] I don't, it doesn't say here who the host is.

[2530] Crazy Girls, I'm having a hard time.

[2531] They're not advertising who the host is at the hotel.

[2532] Oh, really?

[2533] It's just like crazy girls.

[2534] It used to be.

[2535] But what do they do?

[2536] I've never, I haven't gone in.

[2537] Well, it's like girls, they sing songs, and then they pull their tits out.

[2538] Oh.

[2539] And some of them actually have, they actually have, like, good talent.

[2540] Well, they have good tits.

[2541] But some of them actually have talent.

[2542] And I watched it once, and it was kind of sad.

[2543] Because this girl was singing like Whitney Houston song.

[2544] It was like the greatest love of all or something like that.

[2545] Like right after when you died?

[2546] No, it was a long time ago.

[2547] The moment she died.

[2548] She was psychic.

[2549] She woke up in the middle of the night, sat up in bed.

[2550] The greatest love.

[2551] murdered Whitney.

[2552] That was a cover, by the way.

[2553] Whitney did a cover.

[2554] It might not even been that song.

[2555] But whatever song it was, she was singing this song, very soulful song, and she has her tits out.

[2556] And I'm like, wow, that's got to be kind of demeaning in a way.

[2557] It's like really weird.

[2558] It's like she's singing at the top of her, her, I mean, she's singing the best of her abilities.

[2559] She's actually a talented singer, but her tits are out.

[2560] And she's got like sort of like a miniskirt dress on and her tits are out.

[2561] And you can tell that she wants to be taken seriously as a singer, but she's singing.

[2562] with her tits out.

[2563] That's horrible.

[2564] That's really sad.

[2565] It was weird.

[2566] It was just weird.

[2567] Vegas has so much sadness.

[2568] Yes.

[2569] Deep sadness.

[2570] They have those at the Imperial Palace.

[2571] They have dealer tainers.

[2572] What?

[2573] Wait, did I cut you out?

[2574] No. Okay, because you're still doing this with your hands.

[2575] Oh, I'm just holding up my hand now.

[2576] I'm like, oh, so you're still talking about her tits?

[2577] No, freaking out.

[2578] Yeah, there's, what they have are the dealers are all dressed like celebrity, celebrities like they're like.

[2579] Dealer tainers they go on?

[2580] Yeah, so your dealer, like, every hour, they'll like be like some signal and they're like, Oh, sorry.

[2581] And so the guy dressed as like Michael Jackson or a girl's Rihanna.

[2582] And they have to like stand on the stage and like do an act and sing.

[2583] And then they come back.

[2584] And at first you're like it's kind of funny.

[2585] And then it gets so sad, so fast.

[2586] When are we going?

[2587] Yeah, you're just like, and then you just want to gamble.

[2588] You're like, oh, can you please stop with all the bullshit.

[2589] Just like, let's do this.

[2590] Wow.

[2591] Yeah.

[2592] Like who was your guy?

[2593] We had Michael Jackson.

[2594] And then I think maybe Shania Twain or Miley Cyrus.

[2595] How much did he actually look like Michael Jackson?

[2596] He was white.

[2597] Well, that's a tricky one because you can't hire a black guy to do it.

[2598] I know.

[2599] That's real.

[2600] You got to go from a lot of.

[2601] What do you do?

[2602] Yeah, there's not a real likeness to any of them.

[2603] Like, you spend half the time trying to figure out who they are.

[2604] Like, you're like, is that Bonnie Rae?

[2605] What?

[2606] Is that boy, George?

[2607] Every now and then I get a little bit love.

[2608] He said, so confusing.

[2609] It's really tough.

[2610] All right.

[2611] Let's bring this fucking ship into the harbor.

[2612] Amy Schumer, once again, you were hilarious and fun to hang out with.

[2613] And I'm glad we're besties.

[2614] For life.

[2615] We're besties.

[2616] We exchanged messages.

[2617] You're my emergency contacts.

[2618] Listen, buddy.

[2619] I'm so happy.

[2620] He came back.

[2621] People love you.

[2622] I love you.

[2623] When are you going to be, what's your tour dates?

[2624] What are you going to be next?

[2625] I'm in Tampa and Denver, the end of April, and then the Riviera.

[2626] Tampa when?

[2627] When are you in Tampa?

[2628] Towards the end of April So Amy Schumer .com And it's Schumer with an S -C -H -S -C -H Amy S -C -H -U -M -E -R.

[2629] I am still selling tickets for Atlanta.

[2630] The second show is not sold out yet.

[2631] So the Tabernacle on April 20th where I'm filming my new special.

[2632] I'm going to be releasing it online.

[2633] Awesome.

[2634] The first show sold out and I'm fucking pumped to be doing it in Atlanta, man. I haven't been there in two years and I'm super psyched.

[2635] completely geared up for this bitch and next year or next week rather is the final tune -up stage I'm going to be at the Fort Lauderdale Improv with the one and only Duncan Trustall so that'll be this up and coming Friday Saturday and Sunday it's not next week it's this next weekend this weekend Fort Lauderdale next weekend on the 20th is Atlanta and that's when I'm going to be taping my special day before the UFC in Atlanta which is going to be fucking crazy We have a show here Wednesday night at 9 o 'clock at the ice house Another wild tune -up show before we escape to Florida before the race rye kicks in do you hear they're shooting at cop cars down there now Yeah, that's where that Trayvon Martin shooting happened where that killed Florida Florida's going crazy I don't know what part I'll have to get back to you with that information Thank you to the fleshlight for sponsoring our program Please go to jo rogan .net if you're thinking about masturbating and go pick up one of those because it's a way better than just using your hand.

[2636] Entering the code name Rogan, save yourself 15 % off the number one sex toy for man. It's a solid product, ladies and gentlemen.

[2637] Thank you also to Onit .com, OnN -N -I -T, makers of AlphaBrain, Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune, and New Mood.

[2638] Both Shroom Techs are, well, there's different things.

[2639] Different things do different things.

[2640] Some of them are neutropics, other ones are athletic enhancement supplements, and maybe they'd be performance -enhancing drugs.

[2641] Maybe you could say that.

[2642] I wonder if they'll be illegal someday.

[2643] Get them now before the government comes in and takes all the shit that makes you feel better.

[2644] Everything's a performance enhancing drug.

[2645] Dude, even fucking vitamins.

[2646] Did you know that, Brian?

[2647] It helps you perform.

[2648] It's a goddamn performance enhancer.

[2649] Go to joe rogan .net.

[2650] Click on the link for AlphaBrain and enter in the code name Rogan and save yourself 10 % off any and all orders.

[2651] As always, the first order of 30 pills, the bottle of 30 pills, is 100 % money back.

[2652] Guarantee if you're not satisfied.

[2653] If you don't like it, you don't have to return it.

[2654] Just tell us that shit sucks and you get your money.

[2655] But it won't suck.

[2656] I use it.

[2657] The shit is awesome.

[2658] And you should use it too, especially if you're jet lagged or hungover.

[2659] And I know you are on a regular, you're dirty, you crazy, dirty bitch.

[2660] Or if you can't cope with altitude.

[2661] I don't think that's true.

[2662] I think you've got to eat the actual cordyceps mushroom.

[2663] I don't know if it actually helps you cope with altitude.

[2664] I want to put in any false statements, Brian.

[2665] I wouldn't have to do the research on that before I confirm or deny.

[2666] I don't know.

[2667] I don't eat the flashlight.

[2668] Altitude sucks, dude.

[2669] It's going to help you.

[2670] It might help you a little like, ugh.

[2671] That's the end of this program.

[2672] God damn it.

[2673] We'll be back tomorrow with Neil Brennan.

[2674] It'll be a 4 p .m. Pacific podcast.

[2675] And then I'll see you dirty bitches in Fort Laudan this weekend and Atlanta next week.

[2676] Ice House.

[2677] The Chronicles Amy Schumer is going to do.

[2678] Oh, Amy Schumer's crazy as fuck.

[2679] You're going to do the show as well?

[2680] Yeah.

[2681] God damn it.

[2682] What a fucking show.

[2683] It's me. Amy Schumer.

[2684] Who else?

[2685] Some surprises.

[2686] A bunch of other surprises.

[2687] Ice House.

[2688] Comedy .com probably will solve.

[2689] A lot of LA comics.

[2690] There's always the regular crew.

[2691] I know Joey's got a 10 o 'clock show at the improv.

[2692] Yeah, he can't do it.

[2693] He can't do it.

[2694] Thursday, I'm at the improv.

[2695] You dirty bitch.

[2696] All right, folks.

[2697] That's it.

[2698] We'll see you tomorrow.

[2699] Thank you, as always, for everything.

[2700] Thanks for all the positive messages and all the love and all the good shit.

[2701] And we're all in this together, you freaks.

[2702] Let's ride this thing.

[2703] The fucking boat hits the beach.