#175 - Ari Shaffir

[0] The Joe Rogan experience.

[1] Sneakest commercials ever.

[2] During my day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

[3] I'm revolutionizing commercials.

[4] I was trying to get mushrooms for Renazisi and Reap.

[5] I was in Missouri for Shroomfest.

[6] I was like, I'll find them for you.

[7] And I was putting out there for people.

[8] Yeah.

[9] I was like, I'll call my favorites if you guys want to take part in this.

[10] But then somebody was like, why don't you just pick them?

[11] They're all over.

[12] Really?

[13] And I realized, like, I trust my drug dealer over what I had to find in nature.

[14] I had a guy came up to me. to show it's one of the creepiest dudes ever he's just sweaty and weird and shit and he gave me a bag of mushrooms hey man I picked these myself I'm like I would fucking take your mushrooms crazy face but you picked her so yeah but who you trust you're just a regular drug deal?

[15] He's just a weird looking dude man well you know you trust people who know the right people who are growing them you got to get into the deep matrix of the where to get the mushrooms that's a problem the other ones are super poisonous yeah it's a wrong way I don't know you know I don't know how much different psilocybin mushrooms look than any other mushrooms.

[16] By the time I get them, they're all dried out and someone's taking care of them.

[17] I've never seen one, I don't think, out in the while.

[18] I've never seen that red top.

[19] Oh, I've seen that, man. That was on my property in Colorado.

[20] So did you take that?

[21] No, I didn't, but I just took pictures of it.

[22] Oh, that's cool.

[23] And that was the red top of the dot, with the spots?

[24] With the White Spires.

[25] The Maria brother ones.

[26] Yeah.

[27] The Aminita Muscaria.

[28] Yeah.

[29] That's the one that John Marco Allegra.

[30] Well, no, see, that's a very funky mushroom.

[31] It's It's a really different mushroom.

[32] It doesn't have psilocybin in it.

[33] It works in a completely different way with your body.

[34] It's a psychedelic, but it's completely different.

[35] And it's seasonable.

[36] It's variable genetically.

[37] It's variable from different climates.

[38] What we're getting in America, I don't believe, is the same aminida muscaria mushroom.

[39] There's been a lot of debate on this amongst all those psychedelic connoisseurs, those people, those Terence McKenna type fellows.

[40] And that's one of the reasons why a lot of people have taken it, and it doesn't do anything.

[41] I took it once and it didn't do shit.

[42] I took it with Doug Stanope.

[43] Those weak mushrooms?

[44] Maybe, I don't know, man. Yon made it.

[45] So, you know, Yon's a fucking, he's a, he's a, he's a real head.

[46] Yeah, he would.

[47] And he did the, he did the right thing.

[48] He did it all right, but it just wasn't getting us.

[49] But then, um, was it one of the early badgers?

[50] Did you eat any time near that time that you took it, though?

[51] No, no, no, no, no, no. We did it the right way.

[52] We did it the right way.

[53] But then, uh, we, we mixed it with psilocybin, dug through and some syllabus side and then we went to the fucking center of the universe it's like mixing them together was a was a wow it was a total mind fuck and you know that was one of the the things that they believe is Soma Soma is was some sort of a mixture it's talked about with great reverence in you know the the Hindu texts and Soma is greater than Brahma greater than indoor Soma no no no no no that's just they just stole the word.

[54] What Soma is is like the greatest psychedelic ever apparently.

[55] So what is that?

[56] They don't know.

[57] That's the craziest thing about it.

[58] It's written with so much love, but somehow, somewhere they lost the formula.

[59] Nobody knows what Soma is.

[60] So it's all debated like Gordon Wausen thought it was amnita miscaria.

[61] McKenna thought it was psilocybin.

[62] They think it might be a commensory drug with psilocybin mixed in with some other stuff.

[63] And some people think it might be psilocybin and aminidum scaria.

[64] They don't know.

[65] So it's aminidimicia.

[66] How does that hit you?

[67] What does that do for you?

[68] Well, it depends on where you get it.

[69] See, everybody's got to, like I said, if you, I don't, I can't speak from personal experience because what I got didn't really work, I don't think.

[70] It's hard to tell because it was like a few hours and it really hadn't, nothing had changed.

[71] But it's supposed to.

[72] But it's supposed to, yeah, it's supposed to be able to.

[73] But I don't know what in what form.

[74] I don't know what part of the world you got to get it.

[75] It's variable.

[76] That's the issue with it.

[77] It's not always psychedelic.

[78] but what it is is Santa Claus the fucking the image of Santa Claus being this red and white guy you know the image of the trees underneath the um the pine the excuse me the presence underneath the pine cones or the pine trees they it has a micro riso relationship with birch trees I mean it literally grows under these fucking Christmas trees that's where it grows it's well wrapped in shiny colors yeah it's beautiful it's shiny as fuck sounds like an Eddie Griffin conspiracy theory does it does but it really that's really what it is I mean, the whole Christmas presence under the tree thing is directly related to this aminated muscaria mushroom.

[79] It is red and white, and the way they dry these mushrooms out, by the way, is they hang them over the fireplace.

[80] That's why people have red and white stockings hanging over their fireplace.

[81] Why the fuck else...

[82] To dry them out?

[83] To dry them out.

[84] Nice.

[85] Yeah, that's what it is.

[86] So it's become this stocking now.

[87] What it used to be is red and white mushrooms hanging underneath your fireplace.

[88] Where's the proof of that?

[89] It's a lot of proof.

[90] A lot of proof.

[91] There's not only that.

[92] all the old, all the old, if you go back to all the old Christmas cards, they all have mushrooms in them.

[93] Mushroom symbology, big aminated mushroom in, they have elves.

[94] What old Christmas?

[95] All the old Christmas cards.

[96] Look at the old Christmas.

[97] The elves are what you see when you take mushrooms.

[98] Oh, nice.

[99] If you take enough.

[100] And then on top of it, these elves are always playing with mushrooms.

[101] They always have this aminated muscaria mushroom in Santa Claus.

[102] Really?

[103] Yeah, if you go back and look.

[104] Wait, hold on.

[105] I thought Cole made up Santa Claus.

[106] No, no, no, no. What a Coca -Cola makeup?

[107] Oh, you silly Jew.

[108] What a Coca -Cola makeup?

[109] The color?

[110] No, that was claimed, but then proof, there became proof that there was an artist from at least, I believe, a decade or two before that, who was attributed to making Santa Claus red and white.

[111] They thought that Santa Claus was one color, and then it was made red and white because of Coca -Cola.

[112] Co -created the black Santa Claus.

[113] The black Santa Claus?

[114] Yeah, I think Coca -Cola just created the black one.

[115] I'm going to find some pictures for you.

[116] And it was like grooving some Coca -Cola Santa.

[117] And so it always had mushroom stuff in it in the Christmas time?

[118] Did it grow in that time?

[119] See, I hear this.

[120] Come here.

[121] Look at this.

[122] Come on over here.

[123] Come on over here.

[124] Look at this.

[125] All these Christmas things.

[126] Look at that.

[127] And those are all these Santa Claus.

[128] And every single person that drew, every single one of those lived in California.

[129] Dude, dude, you're retarded.

[130] This are old as fuck.

[131] These are from the 1700s, dude.

[132] Oh, yeah.

[133] California.

[134] Okay, look, this is old as fuck.

[135] See this?

[136] Christmas?

[137] Aminita Muscari and Mushroom.

[138] That's a really old picture, dude.

[139] Okay, there's a bunch of them.

[140] Look at them.

[141] This is like all, from a long time ago, that was the norm.

[142] A long time ago in Europe, especially, that was the norm.

[143] Give up that website that is, that is, that is, well, just, this is what I want you to to Google.

[144] Just Google Santa and Aminita Muscaria, M -U -S.

[145] Yeah, but you look at the IDR, if you go to, like, say, I don't know where Christmas was born, it seems like it was born in Germany or something.

[146] But if you go to Germany.

[147] If you go to Germany and look at the same year, try to find artwork of the same Christmas stuff like in Germany from that exact time period.

[148] And I bet none of them had mushrooms on.

[149] They all had like, you know, something else.

[150] Well, you're just guessing this off the top of your fucking stuff.

[151] No, no, I'm just saying that, but that's what I would think.

[152] Well, you would think wrong because I'm showing you pictures of Christmas cards from the 1700s that have all these mushrooms.

[153] There was some wacky Christmas cards back in the 17 -500 years.

[154] No, no, no, Brian, there's a lot of them.

[155] Look at this one right in that search.

[156] Look at this one right here with this, there's an old picture of Santa, and he's got all these fucking aminated mascara and mushrooms at his feet.

[157] Why's that from?

[158] Oh, fuck, man. Let me find out.

[159] It's old as fuck.

[160] Officially, old as fuck.

[161] I'll find out the ages of the pictures.

[162] But these are, you know, these are like ancient fucking Christmas cards.

[163] I could see Easter.

[164] I just can't see Santa Claus.

[165] Why would you not see it?

[166] I don't know.

[167] It's just like, why is this not talked about all the time then?

[168] You know, like, why is this not on regular TV in the news?

[169] First of all, because it's preposterous.

[170] I feel like the Tower 7 of Holiday's stories.

[171] So you're saying it's sort of just put loss and mushrooms are just in it for...

[172] Look, there's so many correlations.

[173] Listen, listen to the connections, okay?

[174] Yeah.

[175] The way they dry these fucking things out is twofold.

[176] One, they hang them on the trees.

[177] They put them in the branches so they dry by the sun.

[178] Or B, they hang them under the fireplace.

[179] What do they do?

[180] You see fucking stockings hanging on the fireplace.

[181] And see, warning is, shiny ornaments.

[182] They literally grow under the same tree that we use as a Christmas tree.

[183] And they are shiny packages.

[184] And if you get them from the right place, apparently they make you trip the fuck out.

[185] And then they're response.

[186] That's the, the mushroom that they believe is responsible for, you know, the writings in the Bible.

[187] It's the sacred mushroom in the cross.

[188] The amnated muscarium is on the cover of the sacred mushroom in the cross.

[189] It just makes sense to me that if scholars believe that there's a connection between this mushroom and religious texts then of course there's a connection between this mushroom and Santa Claus and if you add up all the things that line up as far as like hanging it over the fireplace and putting it on trees it totally could be possible so is if you go to Encyclopedia Britannica's headquarters in wherever that would be like Wisconsin and you go through them and go all right what is this Christmas to you what do you guys have about the mushroom thing they're like what the fuck you're talking about get it out of here a hippie you know don't wouldn't you think that well I think that they're not that willing to incorporate any sort of illegal drug ideology into their work.

[190] They probably just would ignore it, even if there's a lot of evidence.

[191] Do you think sometimes that people that do a lot of mushrooms try to make connections with everything in past history?

[192] Sure, definitely they do.

[193] Four 20 people.

[194] I think that's what my judge, if I had to judge, like if this was a game show, that's what my judgment would be is like, yeah, that's just some hippie that made this awesome connection.

[195] It's a great story.

[196] No, Brian, that's a silly thing.

[197] That's what I'm thinking.

[198] Okay, well, that's a dumb way to think.

[199] Why?

[200] Because scholars, like John Marco Olegre, I'm not sold on anything.

[201] I'm not sold on anything.

[202] But I'm definitely not sold on you, just talking off your ass.

[203] No, I'm just putting a counterpoint.

[204] You're putting a counterpoint to a fucking guy who is a scholar.

[205] John Marco Olegro studied the judge.

[206] And there's scholars that say the exact opposite.

[207] The only ones that do are religious ones.

[208] I know, but.

[209] Who says the opposite?

[210] He was the only agnostic.

[211] He was the only agnostic.

[212] We're not talking about Psychobie Botanica.

[213] We're not talking about the, they're talking about the.

[214] Dead Sea Scrolls.

[215] Wouldn't even be an encyclopedic?

[216] Couldn't it be part of the, couldn't it be part of like the, what's a Christmas originally, a pagan holiday?

[217] There's, yeah.

[218] So couldn't it be part of that pagan holiday?

[219] Of course.

[220] That ritual?

[221] Sure.

[222] And they sort of took over that, they used those gods.

[223] It's just the, the real question is, what's with the elves?

[224] What's with the fucking mushrooms and all these Christmas pictures?

[225] What's with the correlations?

[226] Why do these mushrooms exist?

[227] You know, and why do they coincide with this holiday?

[228] What is the big deal?

[229] But the big deal is these people were tripping their fucking balls off, man. That's what it is.

[230] And it became somehow or another.

[231] It turned into a guy coming down the chimney and giving you presents.

[232] What it was is this was some shit they found under the tree.

[233] That's much more likely to me. If you've got a fucking plant that makes you trip balls and ancient people find out about it, they worship that shit.

[234] You know, it becomes like a huge and part of their life.

[235] Could you imagine if your world was the regular world of people that lived before books?

[236] You know, I mean, you're barely civilized, barely got it together.

[237] People are just getting by every day, be it gets sick.

[238] Nobody'd know what the fuck was going on.

[239] There was no doctors.

[240] You just died, man. They gave you some leaves to chew on and you usually just fucking died.

[241] What if they found something like this?

[242] If they found that there was some mushrooms and you would eat them and all of a sudden, you'd be lying in a field and fucking spiraling through the universe on the most wild ride of joy and ecstasy of your life.

[243] And you would want to fucking praise that shit.

[244] You would want to make that a part of your, yeah, you would want to create a holiday.

[245] You'd want to make it a part of your everyday life.

[246] You would be worshipping it.

[247] You know, that's the feeling behind a lot of people, why there was all this cattle worship in the ancient world.

[248] Yeah.

[249] You know, because no one can understand that.

[250] Like, why would you have these, like, really aggressive primates?

[251] They did worship cats.

[252] Yeah, but they didn't worship them like people worship, like the Hindus worship cows.

[253] Really?

[254] Yeah, cows are much more important.

[255] Do you?

[256] They leave them alone.

[257] No, man. They don't eat them.

[258] They don't eat them.

[259] They consider them sacred.

[260] They consider them, I don't know that is something, something cool.

[261] They consider them something cool.

[262] But I think that has to do with the cow shitting.

[263] There's what Wikipedia says about it.

[264] And mushrooms growing in the cow shit.

[265] This is what Wikipedia has about it.

[266] About what?

[267] Christmas.

[268] The relation for mushrooms to Santa Claus.

[269] Okay.

[270] Fly Agarex, I don't know what fly agarics are, garricks.

[271] That's the actual plant.

[272] Okay.

[273] Appear on Christmas cards and New Year's cards from around the world is a symbol of good luck.

[274] The ethno -book botanist Jonathan Ott has suggested the idea of Santa Claus and tradition of hanging stockings over the fireplace based centrally upon this mushroom itself.

[275] There's a lot of people that have proposed.

[276] It's a generally red and white color scheme.

[277] He argues a Santa Claus suit is related to the mushroom.

[278] He also draws on parallels with flying reindeer.

[279] Randah have been reported to consume the mushroom and prints around in an intoxicated manner afterwards.

[280] Isn't that wild?

[281] That's what's what's about flying reindeer?

[282] reindeer.

[283] Reindeer love amnita muskary mushrooms so much.

[284] And when people have these mushroom huddles.

[285] And they trip out.

[286] Yeah, they do.

[287] Well, when people, the other thing about amnita muscaria mushrooms is about recycling the urine.

[288] The way to really trip your balls off is apparently a lot of whatever it is that psychoactive inside the mushroom is, it passes through your body and into your urine.

[289] And if you drink your urine, it kicks the whole experience to the next level.

[290] What do you mean while you're on it?

[291] While you're tripping balls, you You go pee a lot.

[292] I go pee a lot when I'm on my mushrooms.

[293] You were going to go deep, deep, deep.

[294] The guy, the dude who told me, who did it, said it was crazy.

[295] It was like he was tripping and everybody's like, okay, if you have to pee, you got to drink your pee.

[296] And he's like, fuck, man, I don't want to drink my pee.

[297] I'm already tripping balls.

[298] This is good.

[299] This is good.

[300] And he drank his peevee and it's like, boh -wah.

[301] Really?

[302] Yeah, psilocybin mushrooms, that's the case.

[303] Aminida muscaria.

[304] But I would think while I'm a mushrooms, I'd be like, dude, don't trust your, this is just the mushrooms talking.

[305] Do not drink your pee.

[306] No, it's a shaman talking.

[307] That's like the ancient tradition of doing it.

[308] That's how you take it to the next level.

[309] While you're in the middle of your mushroom experience, you drink your urine, and whatever it is, where it's psilocybin, whatever it is, it's passed through.

[310] I don't know the technical components of it, but apparently talking to several people have done it.

[311] This what this guy says is that if Santa Claus had one eye or if magic urine had been part of his legend, it'd be way easier to believe.

[312] But that's why this dispute, it's like it's not super clear.

[313] Well, yeah, who the fuck knows?

[314] I think it's possible, though.

[315] There was an article about the magazine Sunday Times in 1980 and the new scientist in 1986.

[316] Those are legitimate.

[317] Yeah.

[318] Well, it's not, you know, this is not my wacky idea.

[319] This is an idea that's been kicked around for decades.

[320] People believe it that are, you know, like, there are serious scholars that believe in this silly idea.

[321] But the whole idea of it being illegal is what's the most fascinating thing to me. Yeah, it's illegal.

[322] that these mushrooms are illegal, that this is somehow another, some person has decided to pass some sort of a law saying that you can't experience this.

[323] It's bad for it.

[324] I was walking out of a pot store once early on at a zen.

[325] I was like, I still felt like it's like cool that I'm having drugs.

[326] And I saw a cop on the corner.

[327] I was like, it doesn't matter.

[328] I'm holding my drug.

[329] But then I realized my other hand, I had a bag of mushrooms.

[330] I was like, oh, this, I got to hide.

[331] Trying out to be so weird.

[332] You fucking dork.

[333] Walking down this tree with mushrooms in your hand.

[334] Wow.

[335] You just live in that crazy comedy life, son.

[336] I guess.

[337] Yeah, you guess.

[338] Nobody cares in L .A. They don't care in L .A. But I hope it stays this way.

[339] You know, it's the real issue is the federal issue.

[340] You know, if we could find one cool spot and if they, you know, supported states' rights, we could find a cool spot where we can make pretty much everything legal.

[341] We all got together and said, hey, we're going to have one clarity state.

[342] Yeah.

[343] This is a state where, you know, murder, crime, theft, all that stuff.

[344] Yeah, that's all illegal.

[345] Arson, illegal.

[346] rapes, yeah.

[347] The rest of it, shut up, man. The rest of it, just shut the fuck up.

[348] There's too many goddamn laws.

[349] This is how it's going to go down.

[350] This is where the money's going to go here.

[351] This is going to be legal.

[352] This will be regulated.

[353] You'll have to buy in a store.

[354] Well, then you'll know it's pure and it's tested by the government.

[355] That's where the government can help out.

[356] Test mushrooms.

[357] That's what you want to help out?

[358] You want to really be service of the people?

[359] This is what we do.

[360] We get rid of some of the government jobs.

[361] We're at John Hopkins study, right?

[362] Yeah, the John Hopkins study said that people taking mushrooms even just one experience significantly affected them for decades, significantly affected their personality, and changed it for the better.

[363] I know psychedelic experiences change me. I know.

[364] Every time I take them when I have thoughts of what I need to do right or what I'm doing wrong or what's fucking with me. Those are just jolts of reality that you don't get unless you take a psychedelic.

[365] You can get pretty deep when you meditate.

[366] outside you, really easily.

[367] You could get pretty deep when you meditate.

[368] I'm not above the idea that some people can get to psychedelic states naturally because it's been written about by so many people.

[369] I think it's a discipline issue.

[370] I think it's just like you could tell someone, hey, you know, I could teach you martial arts and you could go and kick somebody's ass.

[371] And then you're like, really?

[372] Are you sure?

[373] And then I give you like one lesson and throw you in there with a guy like Marcelo Garcia and you just get manhandled.

[374] You're like, I could never fucking do this.

[375] because I don't think it's a one I don't think a lot of people what you think is possible due to meditation is based on your level of meditation how deep have you taken it you know I mean how relaxed do you get how centered do you get when you meditate because some people get super distracted and it never gets more than a yeah it never gets more than a surface sort of relaxation real deep with mushrooms I take a little there's like I see like these universal truths I can sort of hold onto it barely for like a second or two or like a day But then it's like the more I go, the more I can bring back and remember.

[376] Yeah.

[377] I'm like, oh, yeah, this thing, that's right.

[378] All about, you know.

[379] It's always humbling, right?

[380] Always humbling.

[381] Yeah, it's like you don't matter.

[382] You don't matter.

[383] Well, you do.

[384] You do.

[385] I mean, you do.

[386] You have intent and you have, you know, will and you can spread positive energy.

[387] You do matter.

[388] Yeah.

[389] You know, you matter.

[390] But, I mean, God damn.

[391] This is a lot of us.

[392] You know, and we're all a part of one thing.

[393] You know, it's not, if we all matter, then you matter as well.

[394] It's not that you don't.

[395] matter but god damn it's big it's fucking giant it's all -encompassing it's not just your house it's not just your car it's not just your street or your neighborhood it's the whole fucking universe and it's all together in one giant fucking soup we just can't feel it we just can't feel it we feel like there's well there's distance between us and mars there's no distance everything between this and that there's something there okay whether it's dark matter or shit you can't see or stuff we haven't discovered.

[396] There is nowhere where there's not something.

[397] There's no, even in a vacuum, there's something.

[398] There's something everywhere.

[399] And, you know, whether it's subatomic, whether it's, we are connected to everything everywhere.

[400] And that is impossible to recognize without some sort of a full -blown psychedelic experience.

[401] It takes something like that to feel it.

[402] Because otherwise it's just a bunch of words.

[403] Because I thought, all those words before you know I thought all those words like yeah you know it's kind of cool I think we're all kind of connected and you know and I think yeah the universe is huge and you know I had all those thoughts before psychedelics and I had them with you know a certain amount of clarity yeah but there's a big difference between I feel like it sucks you out and just makes you see like you're just one of even in your state of so many people that you're just like a blip and then you see time before you and after you're like oh my god yeah it's insane it's insane it's It's insane to think that, you know, that we have this short amount of time here.

[404] And it seems like as the time goes on, you just start figuring out what the fuck is going on.

[405] You know, like, as you get to, that's like the thing about people today.

[406] We live long enough to see the hustle.

[407] We live long enough to see the bullshit.

[408] You know, if we were Romans, man, we would all be long dead.

[409] All of us.

[410] We're in your 30s.

[411] I'm in my 40s.

[412] We're dead people.

[413] Yeah.

[414] We're dead.

[415] There's no way we'd be alive.

[416] And if we were alive, we'd be totally crippled.

[417] We'd have lion bites on our dicks and shit.

[418] One of us would be missing an arm or something.

[419] You know, you get fucked up back then, man. But today we can live and we live safely and we have enough nutrition and you're eating vitamins and everything.

[420] And you live long enough to see the goddamn hustle.

[421] Ten years ago, they said one out of two people in England would live to see 100.

[422] God damn.

[423] Wouldn't you live to live in a castle, though, back in the day, like where you had the little courtyards, little houses in between, like inside the cash?

[424] Yeah, like a really big one.

[425] No, that's been drafty as fuck.

[426] I think that would be crazy because you have this one giant house and everybody around you has little houses.

[427] That's the dumbest way to live there.

[428] No, no, I mean, like, wouldn't that be cool just to like experience it for like three days or something like that?

[429] I guess.

[430] Experience would it be like to have all those people in those little houses want to kill you and take your gold.

[431] Yeah, I wonder if it was like that.

[432] Can you imagine that if everybody else is starving and there's this giant house with people that are eating gold sandwiches.

[433] Yeah.

[434] You sound like you're describing Bashar, saw.

[435] Bashar Assad?

[436] He's the leader of Syria.

[437] Oh, really?

[438] Yeah, it's like everyone's starting to revolt, but it's like I still got the guns.

[439] Oh, wow.

[440] Is that what's going on over there?

[441] Outside and forth.

[442] It's, how crazy is that whole Arab area?

[443] The whole Arab spring thing and what?

[444] This is nuts, man. I took that guy in my death pool.

[445] Did you really?

[446] Yeah.

[447] It's a strange, strange time for the whole part of the world.

[448] Yeah, they're all internet making everybody like, wait, what?

[449] Yeah.

[450] Did what over there?

[451] Yeah.

[452] Well, they, they see what's possible.

[453] He let them happen to the internet.

[454] Really?

[455] Is that what happened?

[456] He finally went lax on the internet.

[457] And then he was like, it was his downfall.

[458] Yeah.

[459] That and the CIA.

[460] Bitch!

[461] You know the CIA had a little piece of that.

[462] Well, that's what they said.

[463] They're all saying it's outside influence.

[464] Like you shouldn't be listening.

[465] That's the spies that are starting all this.

[466] But maybe, yeah.

[467] That's the best way to overthrow them, get their own people to do it for us.

[468] Yeah, sure.

[469] Arm them.

[470] Armed them.

[471] And also all we're trying to get them to do is just live free.

[472] Yeah, but that shit don't work that way.

[473] make the new boss same as the old boss that's what's going on in iraq right now iraq apparently is just a fucking mess right now really yeah there's like a civil war about to break out that's what they always said what's soon as we're happening what was soon as we left that's just gonna happen right course man we we you know there's a vacuum and when there's a vacuum someone's gonna seek to fill it and there's a lot of people that are still alive that we're alive back during the saddam era you know and those those people are gonna try to get control that bitch and then there's new people moving in.

[474] And then there's also the idea that, you know, the connection between, you know, Iraq and Afghanistan and all of our resources and where the fuck is this country going and why do we have a hundred different bases all over the country or over the world.

[475] It's like, you know, what are we wasting our time and our resources on?

[476] Is this really necessary anymore?

[477] Or is this just a bunch of people who have contracts and we keep giving them contracts?

[478] Because this is just what we've always done.

[479] And that's how they, you know, gotten involved.

[480] That's how they keep politicians in office.

[481] and then we're stuck because that's what it seems like what it is.

[482] We're fucked, Shafir.

[483] This really said what Occupy Wall Street finally said, the problem is if you get sponsored by a big corporation, you know, they give you a bunch of money for your campaign, they can effectively fire you by withholding that money that you need to get elected again.

[484] You know, good luck doing this without, you know, $500 million in your ad budget this year or how much it is, probably a lot more.

[485] I don't know.

[486] You need to get those.

[487] bitch is mushrooms.

[488] That's what we need to do.

[489] Taking the Christmas.

[490] That's a good answer to a lot of things.

[491] Get those bitches on mushrooms.

[492] I tell it to a lot of people.

[493] And it really is true.

[494] I was like, once the last time we did some mushrooms?

[495] Sounds like you can use my mouth.

[496] Last time I did mushrooms, I found something crazy.

[497] Like, I had a huge bag of really good mushrooms, and I took half of them and tripped my ass off.

[498] Hardest, you know, super hard trip.

[499] Yeah.

[500] Super visuals.

[501] Hang on.

[502] Hold on.

[503] I want to say this real quick.

[504] I don't want you to get back your story.

[505] That's where I realized, everybody's like, oh, the mushrooms I get are super good.

[506] And everybody says that.

[507] but they really mean it's mushrooms are super good.

[508] Yeah, yeah.

[509] Well, well, then I...

[510] You ever got bad mushrooms?

[511] No. I have.

[512] The first time, the first time I took it, had the greatest time.

[513] Second time, I ate like two hours before and was just like sitting on the couch watching adventure time and going, wow, this is all right.

[514] But then I took more the second time, and it was the same mushrooms, and the first time I tripped my ass off because I didn't eat anything else the whole day.

[515] Well, it also could be, you know, I've heard of, about people getting mushrooms.

[516] Actually, I heard you of mushrooms.

[517] You said, add some mold on it.

[518] And the mold, then you're, like, food poisoning?

[519] No, I think, I think, that's what's going to happen.

[520] I think sometimes you get sick from mushrooms, and that's usually because maybe the mushrooms.

[521] I've never gotten sick from it.

[522] My friend barfed his first time.

[523] I got a Billy goat stomach.

[524] I can eat some shit.

[525] I'd never barfed, but my friend who gave him to me the first time, who used to make him for everybody, was said, you will get, you feel nauseous like you're going to throw up.

[526] He's like, you won't throw up.

[527] just sit down and look up in the air for a while the feeling will pass.

[528] Fear Factor completely changed my whole ability to withstand smells and people vomiting.

[529] Oh, you can handle anything now.

[530] I'm immune.

[531] I'm completely immune to getting sick watching someone vomit.

[532] Wow.

[533] You know, because I used to get, I used to physically gag if I smelled puke like when I was a kid.

[534] You remember, you know what it was like.

[535] A baby bird.

[536] I was getting nauseous.

[537] Yeah, baby bird was no problem for me, man. I just sat right through that.

[538] And the wind would shift and you catch a whiff of it.

[539] Yeah, it was horrendous.

[540] Baby Bird, if you don't know, was the greatest gag in the history of radio.

[541] And Ari and I were there.

[542] And Bill Burr and Jimmy Norton.

[543] And what it was was there was this crazy kid that they had working for Opian Anthony.

[544] And his name is Pat Duffy.

[545] You got to back up to what Babe Bird is.

[546] Yeah, well, I'm going to explain it through this way.

[547] I'm just going to explain this kid.

[548] And they can get this kid to do anything.

[549] This kid brushed his teeth with dog shit.

[550] He was a maniac.

[551] He's a fucking maniac.

[552] I saw him drink other people's puke I saw him drink a glass full of other dudes pukes Dudes threw up There was like some sort of an eating contest There was an eggnog drinking contest Yeah but this was a different one I'm talking about a different one But I've seen him I've seen him do some ridiculous shit Before this Okay So we had a bunch of guys there for the egg drinking contest And Pat from Unaki is the ace in the hole He wins that bitch every year He's got diabetes He's got diabetes As soon as he's done with it Yeah so he's not supposed to be drinking eggnog at the first place and he's drinking like fucking gallons of it he's a big boy it's a double shot every 60 seconds yeah and he's up to like 70 70 glasses or shots like chucking oh man it seemed like 7 8 in some people some people by the way this is non -alcoholic this is just eggnog um something because if he drank like 70 shots he'd be a dead man you'd be a dead man yeah you'd be a dead yeah yeah but um so what was your question when did people start start start for He got up to like 70, yeah, he got up to like 70 shots, I believe.

[553] It was something insane.

[554] It was ridiculous.

[555] And he said he was going to puke, and we were trying to figure out what to do with the puke.

[556] And just as a joke, I did not think anybody would say this.

[557] I said, why don't you have this kid lean his head into the garbage pail and have Pat throw up in his mouth?

[558] I mean, I just said, I came up with the dumbest shit ever because I didn't think anybody would say yes and we were on edibles at the time probably and put up 99 % sure I always am if I do opi and Anthony so we were you know high as a kind and I never thought anyone it was just going to such crazy extremes yeah it was ridiculous the dude lay he laid on his back with the garbage pail and put his body into it like he was getting a wash before a haircut just all the way back yeah it was one of those big tubs you know a nice good size garbage pail and he leans back and opens his mouth and this guy Pat from Unaki and it's available online right you can watch it well I had two of the videos online one got taken down because somebody complained that it's disgusting but there's another one on there can you find it somewhere just find uh just look up can't play it why can't we play it because you don't have that technology at this here oh yeah yeah okay all right um either way at this one we need to set up that technology here, huh?

[559] Yeah.

[560] But so this dude, I mean, you could just, Google Baby Bird.

[561] There's a picture online.

[562] I know that.

[563] I believe there's video, too.

[564] The amount, the volume that came out of his mouth.

[565] He's enveloping the other guy.

[566] It was insane.

[567] It was the craziest thing I'd ever seen anybody ever do.

[568] I mean, he's hurling, hurling onto this guy's face.

[569] And it's like a cartoon throw -up.

[570] It doesn't, totally doesn't look real.

[571] You remember?

[572] It's pouring out a bucket of water out of window.

[573] It was so much.

[574] It was insane.

[575] It was insane.

[576] this giant fat man just unloading and you know what i talked to opi and anthony they said they would never be able to do that again what they said they can't do that again insurance reasons they've tightened out it's actually dangerous tighten down well fuck yeah it's dangerous probably fuck yeah it's dangerous oh god no one died somebody died in uh sacramento i believe yeah was it sacramento from water they were drinking water they had a cut of water see how long yeah she she she died from a overdose of water it's on break dot com Is it on break .com?

[577] Oh, beautiful.

[578] Go check that out, folks.

[579] Trust me, it's worth it.

[580] And it's on YouTube also.

[581] Shear ridiculousness.

[582] It's just one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen a person do ever.

[583] We were there, Ari.

[584] That was so great.

[585] It was so great.

[586] You were there, right?

[587] No. You weren't there, Brian?

[588] No. You put the videos up.

[589] You were sending me the videos.

[590] He was listening later.

[591] Oh, that's right.

[592] I wish you were there.

[593] The barfing started like seven minutes.

[594] People would, like, throw up, and they were out.

[595] And then more he'll start.

[596] And then one guy barfed into some, uh, fruit loops and started eating it with a spoon oh my god that's fucking that same kid pat off and it just ramped up yeah oh that's right that's what you eat his fruit loops that'd be great and other people start out because of that oh that's right I forgot that part and it was just like building and building and there was so much barf in the air if you want to have uh if you want to be a shock jock that kid is the greatest intern you could ever hope to hire I mean that that kid's a goddamn kamikaze if he's still alive if he's alive He's alive.

[597] He messaged me on Twitter a while back.

[598] And they kept throwing it in that stuff in Roland's face.

[599] Yeah.

[600] And he would almost bar if they kept like showing it to him in the fruit loops.

[601] It's disgusting.

[602] This is the picture.

[603] If you go Baby Bird, O &A and do a Google image search, it's the first one that pops up.

[604] Oh, what an amazing photo it is, too.

[605] Come on, I don't want to show this to show.

[606] It's just so silly.

[607] It's so great.

[608] Anyway, why were you saying about that?

[609] They can't do that anymore.

[610] There's massive law, massive lawsuits, massive, you know, Really?

[611] What it is basically is, you know, they've clamped down and they've made sure that there's less probability for getting sued.

[612] And when there's less probability of getting sued, there's also less of probability of something fucking crazy happening.

[613] Supreme Court.

[614] That's entertainment.

[615] Just took on the case, you would love this, of getting rid of the FCC standards on network television.

[616] Really?

[617] Yeah.

[618] They said pretty much since 99 % of people have cable, it's ridiculous anyway.

[619] Right.

[620] Channel 7's okay, but Channel 8's not.

[621] Like, why?

[622] yeah and they're hearing it now whether they have to do that now or not anymore but they can still find people unfortunately people are going to fight it though there's a lot of like pro family pro -christian they probably just have to rate you know like there will be a program to be able to show you if there's nudity at that photo my god look at that photo Jesus so much fucking Christ you can put that picture up you can put that picture up in the is that's the only way to do it here No, no, I already emailed it to me. Okay.

[623] Is that the most ridiculous shit?

[624] It's so, it looks like he's a spider, like breaking it down with his end signs, breaking down that other guy.

[625] It looks like a cartoon.

[626] Anyway, we'll talk about something else before I get sick.

[627] God damn.

[628] Yeah, you can't do that anymore.

[629] It's no fun.

[630] I mean, if you want to have a business, though, you mean, you got to think, and when you get involved in something like, you know, serious.

[631] This is this gigantic, fucking huge company.

[632] that's worth hundreds of millions of dollars.

[633] They can't lose everything.

[634] Yeah, because you assholes want to drink eggnog.

[635] Hey, idiot face.

[636] That's the problem, man. You know, Anthony Qumi, his show is now on iTunes, and he's got a video on, he has video on iTunes.

[637] Yeah, how's he doing that?

[638] I think, I don't know, but, well, he's paying for a video, a video host.

[639] Wow.

[640] But I tried to do it twice now, and the video wouldn't play.

[641] Like, his bandwidth must be fucked or something like that.

[642] It goes, yeah, I would imagine.

[643] I think he just did.

[644] did it.

[645] I bet he probably doesn't realize how much money is going to have to pay in bandwidth.

[646] People don't realize you have to have a host.

[647] Like if you put something on iTunes and it is free, you know, I mean, you can put your shit on iTunes, but someone has to be downloaded it from somewhere.

[648] And you have to have a host where they doubt like iTunes is not like storing your stuff.

[649] Right.

[650] They're not providing bandwidth.

[651] They're basically providing a link to a website, a server that you pay for.

[652] Right.

[653] And what's funny is that there's a lot of web hosts.

[654] Like unfortunately, I, use Dreamhost, which all my life has been great.

[655] But I had to switch to a cloud computing thing where like, but it was unlimited bandwidth, unlimited storage.

[656] Oh, I just believe that.

[657] And then, no, I'm on that.

[658] Oh, great.

[659] And then, but what they don't tell you is no, wait, it doesn't count like unlimited memory of the computer or something like that.

[660] You know, like if there's too many people.

[661] That's how they get you.

[662] Yeah.

[663] So then you have to raise your bandwidth.

[664] And it's so bullshit.

[665] The whole thing is a fucking crock.

[666] And they're the worst.

[667] It's unlimited bandwidth, and they tell you...

[668] Yeah, but they trick you.

[669] Because then they're like, oh, yeah, it's unlimited to all that, but, you know, it's your memory, you know, and your computers.

[670] You know, you got to have more, you know, they trick you in that.

[671] So they make you buy more hard drives?

[672] More computer power.

[673] Like, what do you mean by memory?

[674] Do you mean by data storage space, or is it like RAM?

[675] Like RAM, pretty much.

[676] So you buy more RAM?

[677] Yeah.

[678] And then, so, like, now you're done by RAM, but what's bullshit is there's, like, there's, like, Dream host, I don't know, I'm sorry, I'm going to start bashing you now.

[679] But Dreamhost, like, we'll have the thing where you can, you can search, you can search, like, how much you use, how much RAM you use every hour, right?

[680] And so, like, I think I'm paying for, I forget how many, let's just say a thousand RAM.

[681] And I'll be using, like, 400 most of the time.

[682] And then I'll know where my shit will crash.

[683] And they're like, oh, you need to up your even more RAM.

[684] You kind of think, though, dude, you're running a lot of traffic.

[685] No, no, but what they're saying is that my RAM has doubled in one second and crashes the computer, but it doesn't show it on the graph.

[686] And they're like, oh, it's just, there's spikes.

[687] And I'm like, yeah, spikes are doubling in one second and you don't have it on your graph.

[688] Oh, yeah, they can't prove it to you?

[689] They say you go higher.

[690] For no reason.

[691] So it's fucking bullshit.

[692] Do you feel like you got ganged?

[693] Oh, I'm getting ganged every day with this fucking dream host.

[694] And what's funny is I've had a website with them for a long -ass time.

[695] And before I was on, before I was on cloud computing, before, when I was just spending like $18 a month, I still had a website that got hit a lot, doing all the videos like Carlos Monsea videos and all those other videos we used to do all the time.

[696] My shit got hit a lot, and it never went down.

[697] It never was like a problem.

[698] But they get you on these cloud computings now.

[699] It's just fuck dream host, that's all I'm saying.

[700] Weird.

[701] Wow.

[702] This is a very angry Brian.

[703] Fuck dream host.

[704] You see him, he's all fired up, man. Gets passionate about his poor little sight.

[705] You know, I feel like you'd be like a lot more comfortable.

[706] he just had a Wikipedia page.

[707] Yeah, please vote for me. I'm getting beat by a wrestler.

[708] So you really believe that if you get this shorty award thing, then somehow or another Yeah, what, what a few administers who have contacted me through Wikipedia.

[709] They're just fucking trailing you along.

[710] I want to tell you a story about George C. Scott.

[711] They don't like you.

[712] And then once you get a shorty award, they're going to go, who the fuck gives a shit about your shorty award, bitch?

[713] And then you're going to be like, God, damn, that works so hard to get that shorty award.

[714] They're making me work for it, though, is Wikipedia bitches.

[715] They're making you bend over.

[716] George C. Scott wanted to ask her for Patent and said, I'm not going to that and just didn't show up.

[717] Because what the fuck do I care?

[718] Wow.

[719] Well, he was a bad motherfucker.

[720] Did you ever see the hustler?

[721] Yeah.

[722] George C. Scott was a scary character in the hustling.

[723] You owe me money!

[724] The scary dude, man. This is after he's saying, he's screaming that to Paul Newman after he fucked Paul Newman's girlfriend and forced her to commit suicide.

[725] And then he said, you owe me money!

[726] I was like, whoa.

[727] Like it hasn't stopped.

[728] Yeah, he was a scary dude.

[729] That was a great fucking movie, man. Imagine how good that movie must have been in like, what was it, like, 64 or something like that.

[730] It was a really old movie, you know?

[731] Imagine how good it was then.

[732] Fucking, there's some movies, man, that just hold up.

[733] And there's other ones you watch, you just go, what the fuck?

[734] Like, what happened?

[735] What happened between, you know?

[736] I always got uncomfortable when I saw stuff like that in movies.

[737] I don't know why.

[738] it made me like feel extra bet with some girl being like unfaithful really fucking over somebody sexually that always made me feel like oh god that bothers you the most that's way worse than that for experimenting on homeless people hmm did you when you were young did you know like a girl that you were really in love with and she she left you for another dude you always thought that that was going to happen maybe maybe that's maybe because it didn't happen see to me my I had a I dated a gang of horrors in a row and I caught a bunch of them banging other dudes and so when that happens it's like it lowers your expectations so you're like whatever it's fine it happens you know I mean I realized as I got older than it was mostly my fault and I was attracted the wrong person into my life you know you're tracking someone you don't know it just likes to fuck and you're like damn it I fell in love well part of it is that and part of it is subconsciously I think you're just trying to attract the wrong person possible consciously you don't think you're worthy of anybody any good so you can just get these nightmares that you know are never going to last and then you get stuck I love how Dr. Drew always says that like do you always date this type of person like no I mean yeah they all hit me but what do you mean there's no correlation right my dad hit me people are fucking strange with patterns man they're strange with getting locked into things you know like I'm new dudes and I never understood this they could not stop going to the track they would go to the race track and to them it was their crack man there was guys that didn't even have any money and they would go and hang out with dudes who had money hoping that if the guy won something he would give them a gapper so they could fucking put it on yeah well that's the gambler's creed a gapper is you know you throw 20 this guy's way he sweats your match you throw 50 his way like it's a big thing in the pool world like say if you know if you are hanging with a bunch of guys and everyone's broke and one guy wins a bunch of money he'll give his friends some money if we're hanging out with them and they sweat his match.

[739] What do you swear his match?

[740] Yeah, watch his match.

[741] And it's sort of like when you give guys gapers, it gets, you know, it spreads a little of the, it's the right intention.

[742] It spreads a little of the money around that way.

[743] One day when you're broke, because all those cool players.

[744] All those pool hustlers, all professional pool players at one point in time were probably broke or will be broke again.

[745] It's a tough leaven.

[746] And when you're out there gambling and you're trying to play in tournaments and you can't get roles and you're trying to make money and you're trying to pay for hotel bills and it's a hard life.

[747] The life of the professional pool player out of all the skill games of the world might be one of the hardest lives.

[748] They don't make that much money, man. It's hard, it's a hard gig.

[749] It's hard to put it together.

[750] There's only a few guys at the very top that really make money.

[751] Hard gig is so much easier.

[752] Art gig's the easiest.

[753] But you've got to be funny.

[754] If you're not funny, our gig is death.

[755] Yeah, but you can't catch a break.

[756] If you're not supposed to be a comedian, our gig is the scariest thing in the world for a lot of people.

[757] A lot of guys weren't supposed to be comedians They're doing just funny Isn't that weird?

[758] Yeah, it is weird And you're like, what?

[759] Everyone agrees, you're bad.

[760] Yeah, it's weird how some guys, even though they're terrible, somehow or another, they wound up sticking around long enough to get paid for it occasionally.

[761] And not a lot, but every now and then they'll get a gig here and a gig there and you'll be plenty of money.

[762] Yeah, and you're like, what the fuck is going on?

[763] Like, is it just a making friends thing?

[764] Time in.

[765] It's a lot of it.

[766] Because there's a few people then we know who they are.

[767] We won't have to say any names here.

[768] But when they go on stage, it's like they're doing their best impression of a comedian.

[769] Yeah.

[770] You know?

[771] I think that's everybody who starts comedy.

[772] Sure.

[773] But these are like 10 -year veterans.

[774] They never lose that.

[775] Like, let me do the impression.

[776] You know those, where you work with them on the road somewhere, and you're like, what the fuck am I seeing?

[777] Yeah.

[778] But they trick somebody into hiring them somewhere.

[779] I think there's enough comedians now that they don't ever have to do that anymore.

[780] It's not necessary.

[781] There's plenty of us.

[782] you know there's enough comedians you know you just got to like getting caught there needs to be a network where people can find where the good ones are i sense a resurgence i think comedy oh yeah all this junk is helping a lot people get to know people way easier yeah yeah podcast help for sure they're like oh these comedians are like cool thing they're all sort of talking and stuff yeah having having the podcast and having people come to the shows because of the podcast but i think even besides outside of the podcast like like louis k you know his uh the situation where he's selling his things online.

[783] I think that that gives a big resurgence to it too.

[784] People hear the story.

[785] I just remember when the last comic standing started, the comedy store numbers went way up.

[786] Yeah.

[787] Yeah.

[788] Everyone had remembered like, oh yeah, comedy.

[789] Comedy is fucking great, man. It's so great.

[790] It's such a great night.

[791] Yeah.

[792] As a fan, you know, before I was ever a comedian, man, was my favorite thing to do.

[793] Yeah.

[794] I would never pay a lot extra for it on New Year's because I've seen it too much or anything like that.

[795] It's just a good fun date.

[796] Yeah.

[797] Yeah.

[798] Especially, you know, if you know...

[799] People in town, whatever.

[800] Yeah.

[801] We've gone on the road, and I have a couple of times, and I'm in town when someone I like is playing somewhere, and then I go see him, and I can actually sit and watch, like a spectator.

[802] I'm telling you, man, yeah.

[803] When I get high at the store, Sebastian is so goddamn funny.

[804] Really?

[805] He's so fucking funny.

[806] Yeah, it's just so fun to watch.

[807] I was like, yeah, someone who made a date out of this?

[808] Yeah.

[809] It's a cool art for him, man. I love watching it just as much as I love doing it.

[810] Yeah.

[811] We're lucky.

[812] It's shit, man. I watched Ice Road Truckers the other day.

[813] That's way harder.

[814] It's way harder.

[815] Imagine being an ice road trucker.

[816] Imagine that.

[817] I know the worst job.

[818] This is the worst job.

[819] What's the worst job?

[820] Tijuana hookers used to cost $72.

[821] And the breakdown was $60 for the girl, which she splits up with the Pimp.

[822] However, I'm not sure.

[823] 11 for the room.

[824] And one for the cleanup guy.

[825] Whoa.

[826] That's the worst job.

[827] Whoa.

[828] One dollar cleanup jizz spots and over and over and over again.

[829] Not just jizzed.

[830] Oh, yeah.

[831] Tijuana.

[832] People are shit and all over.

[833] everybody.

[834] Everything's going on down there.

[835] It's hot during the day.

[836] They're still at full capacity in business.

[837] It's really crazy how close that is to San Diego.

[838] Everybody used to do that as their trip.

[839] But could you imagine, man, being a person who lives in Tijuana and just knowing that San Diego's right there.

[840] And right there, there's white people with seven million dollar houses on the beach and they're drinking margaritas and talking about their pedicure lady.

[841] Gross border town.

[842] You're in a house made out of cardboard.

[843] It's just 20 minutes away.

[844] You can drive to their house in 20 minutes.

[845] That's insane.

[846] How weird is that?

[847] How weird is it?

[848] There's a third world and the peak of the first world.

[849] San Diego is a pretty goddamn nice city.

[850] It's a beautiful place.

[851] Yeah.

[852] There's one island.

[853] I forget what the island is.

[854] It's off of San Diego.

[855] It's like a little, a very small and very exclusive island.

[856] Yeah.

[857] Where it's one of the richest pieces of real estate in the country.

[858] That's where Donald Rumsfeld.

[859] No, Catalina is off of this.

[860] area.

[861] It's like Santa Monica.

[862] This one is off.

[863] It's a small jump between this and...

[864] I forget what it's called.

[865] Super wealthy people.

[866] Like, ridiculous, stupid fucking mansions, you know, 20 million dollar properties, shit like that.

[867] And that's like a drive to Mexico, man. It's so bizarre.

[868] And I guess, I don't know, I mean, I guess the Mexicans, if they want to, can get in a boat and just sneak up and get there really quick.

[869] Just pull into their neighborhood with a boat.

[870] They come to get you.

[871] For real, man. You could be like hardcore Mexican you know gang bangers they have some castles there hardcore Mexican drug dealers and just getting a boat just getting a boat and figure out a way to just do it by cover of night they kill people they're going to rehab there do they really like I said don't get off the sauce what?

[872] Yeah really?

[873] And to you all the border towns I like how you said that too don't get off the sauce look you're a 1940s movie bad guy See?

[874] What the fuck is that?

[875] Don't get off the sauce, see?

[876] You listen to me say Watching old movies Like watching a movie from another country I've been watching the one movie lately I saw Billy Madison Not so old That's Billy Madison Yeah it's like 20 years ago We're talking about like Clark Gable type shit You're talking about Billy Madison I'm talking about watching some stuff From watch some stuff from like the 40s and 50s I love it I'm addicted to different language I love looking at that old shit It's so weird Yeah what have you ever seen that's good I just watched How Green is My Valley That's a great one The one with Clark Gable Gone with the Wind I think we talked about that But it was just weird It had like the slavery aspects And stuff like that Yeah Well that's what's going down back then There was something else I just watched the other day Have you ever seen Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

[877] No So Elizabeth What the fuck's her name The bitch you got married 100 ,000 times Liz Taylor Elizabeth Taylor Elizabeth Taylor When she was hot as fuck My God When she was young, my God, that woman was hot.

[878] That's why we still talk about her.

[879] She was hot.

[880] I don't know if she's still alive.

[881] You know, I don't know, but she's getting old there.

[882] She's married a couple of gay guys along the way.

[883] It got weird for a while, poor lady.

[884] When she was young, though, man. Woo!

[885] God damn.

[886] I mean, it falls apart for everybody, but I think for her, it was...

[887] He used to have such a great saying.

[888] Did you ever see the color purple?

[889] Everybody hits the wall.

[890] Yeah.

[891] You're like, In 800 billion years of development, the wall has never lost.

[892] The wall is $6 billion .0.

[893] No one's ever beaten the wall.

[894] The wall's coming, bitch.

[895] It's coming for you, too.

[896] Did you ever see the color purple?

[897] Yes.

[898] I think.

[899] See the what?

[900] The color purple.

[901] I might not have seen that.

[902] I was really stunned and watched it.

[903] Oprah?

[904] And it was like really weird slavery, sexual slavery shit.

[905] And it was weird.

[906] Well, that was a big part of slavery.

[907] It's so weird.

[908] Big part of slavery was the, the matter.

[909] coming down and banging the slaves.

[910] Danny Glover.

[911] That was legit, man. They used to have children with slaves.

[912] Yeah, but that's why it was about it.

[913] I couldn't watch it.

[914] It was just too creepy.

[915] Could you imagine?

[916] I thought, what was color purple?

[917] You thought what was color purple?

[918] I don't know.

[919] I'm pretty sure I didn't actually see it.

[920] It's one of those that I always intend on seeing, but I never get around to it.

[921] Yeah.

[922] But I think it was like super common for the slave owners to have sex with their slaves.

[923] Oh, yeah.

[924] Benjamin Franklin, right?

[925] You have a ton of grandkids that way?

[926] I wonder how many of the male slaves had sex with the women because that must have been going on too where women were ignored and they got the male slaves to bang them God the punishment for that was just clearly death I wonder Is it worth it?

[927] I wonder if you're allowed to They must have been those stories of having half Like the shit gets pregnant Who did it?

[928] Yeah I mean it has to have happened Listen man As long as there's dudes slinging dick There's chicks jumping on them As long as I've been black people They have been attracted to white women Yep and as long as they've been white women They've been attracted to black dicks It's like, grow my weed and smoke my dick To the slave That's what she would say No, that's what you would say to your slave Grow my weed and suck my dick Smoke my dick Okay, Brian Sometimes write these down and go over them and go Is this worth interjecting in there Grow my weed and smoke my dick And you're like, damn it, that wasn't good So it all comes from a good place We have to remember that We're talking about, you guys were talking about slaves, right?

[929] Fucking your slaves Yeah, I'll get you And I just said I wasn't doing a bit.

[930] I just...

[931] He's trying to joke.

[932] It's okay, buddy.

[933] We're just trying to keep the conversation moving.

[934] I'm not trying to be harsh.

[935] I'm going to be in Minneapolis.

[936] What are you doing?

[937] At the end of...

[938] Are you doing Acme?

[939] Rick Brunson's House of Comedy.

[940] Oh, what is that?

[941] Is that a new place?

[942] Yeah, he owns a place in Edmonton, too.

[943] I love Minneapolis, but I can't fade that fucking wintertime, son.

[944] It's a Mall of America.

[945] I might never have to leave.

[946] So you go, you fly into the mall?

[947] No, I won't have to go from the flight.

[948] Somehow I know that you're going to be outside.

[949] Yeah, that's the worst.

[950] You're going to have to be in that tube Yeah, I hate it.

[951] I hate the winter.

[952] Every closing, I'm like, they're like, what do you got in February?

[953] I'm like, what do you got in April?

[954] It's cold as fuck.

[955] Yeah, it's like, it gets like zeros.

[956] That's what I'm going to, Thursday.

[957] And it's going to start snowing Thursday.

[958] You go to Ohio.

[959] Yeah, right now it's 50, but supposedly there's just like the sleet and freezing rain and snowstorm shit going the day I planned.

[960] I hit freezing rain once in Ohio, did a 360 on the highway.

[961] Really?

[962] Yep.

[963] Me and Chris McGuire.

[964] 360.

[965] Yep.

[966] Flip to all the air.

[967] Yep, all the way around.

[968] Missed the guardrail, missed everything.

[969] We just kept driving.

[970] It was driving over the bridge.

[971] You know how's you go over bridges and bridges of the place where black ice forms?

[972] Yeah.

[973] Because it's actually the wind coming over there.

[974] So how about that?

[975] A 360 on a bridge.

[976] What did you hit?

[977] Nothing.

[978] Wow.

[979] Yeah, spun around.

[980] That must be God, right?

[981] Yep.

[982] Yeah, that must be.

[983] Word.

[984] Why isn't it God, Ari?

[985] Maybe it's the secret.

[986] Maybe you engineered it.

[987] Blowing the ice and not make that go.

[988] Maybe you engineered it so.

[989] my dad used to have this giant suburban the old style suburban oh those are great he got like a second and third motor in it he just kept it going but he would see people start to skid like in the snow and like come at him like a you know 10 miles an hour just like that he's just like here we go yeah pump it's like let's just get some cash yeah he's just drive a tank let's just do this off the books oh that's what he did yeah it's serious never fix shit it's gonna be about looks like a hundred dollars in damage right let's go let's do let's do you And they would give them $800.

[990] How many people hit him?

[991] It happened like every other something.

[992] So what would you do?

[993] You would just go out when it's snowing and try to make some money?

[994] They wouldn't try.

[995] There's one stop.

[996] Or in a university.

[997] And when you cut their university in our cola, it would be like, it was just downhill.

[998] And it was like people would start to go there and just couldn't stop.

[999] It could cover snow.

[1000] And if you're at the bottom of the hill, they're coming right at you.

[1001] Nothing you can do.

[1002] I lived on a street that completely froze and became a hockey rink.

[1003] And me and my girlfriends, or my, rather, my sister's boyfriend, sat on the roof and watched, we drank beers and watched cars crash.

[1004] Oh, wow.

[1005] Slide down the hill.

[1006] They had those videos online.

[1007] Yeah, that's my favorite.

[1008] We called the cops.

[1009] We called the cops.

[1010] The cops fucking did the same thing.

[1011] They did the same thing.

[1012] We told them, we saw the first car slide by the house.

[1013] And we were like, what the fuck?

[1014] And I go, dude, I think the street is ice now.

[1015] And so we opened up the door and looked and it looked like ice.

[1016] I'm like, it looks wet for sure.

[1017] And I got up to him, I'm like, fuck, it's ice.

[1018] A whole street And we were on a hill So the whole street It's just a sheet of ice And one after another The car just came down And boom Hit the curb And flying off into the fucking woods Over it over and over This happened So we called the cops Immediately So the cops came down Same thing Bang The cops bounce off the curb Boom The cops slam into the other cars Everybody Yeah they were piling into each other And all the cars They were parked In the side of the street Yeah they were all stuck They were all stuck And jammed And fucked up Like some of them were in like little ditches and some of them were like in the woods where the bushes were and shit and they just kept coming yeah some people got through it some people had some good skills some people just slid with it and kind of like uh and straighted it out they managed to keep control yeah they managed to come down the hill not too crazy oh that makes it more exciting you never know what's going to happen yeah well i think the real the people that really fucked up they fucked up because they came down the hill like they were driving they wanted to drive yeah and then all sudden oh fuck so if you're going 40 50 miles an hour whatever the hell you were and then you hit that ice that's that's it bitch you should take that's on like what the next car is gonna do it makes you think man fuck living anywhere where it's that cold we were talking about this before the show um that uh there's a um uh ice bound um fuel tanker in uh Alaska it's stuck yeah the was before the ocean yeah the ocean's frozen around this fucking boat and so they got to send a coast guard ice cutter wow so the ice cutter is breaking the ice around this Russian tanker, this Russian tanker is just stuck there in a just gigantic skating rink that's the ocean, and it's just creeping around, pressing against the hole.

[1019] Did you imagine the trillions of pounds of ice?

[1020] You would hear that sound?

[1021] It would be so scary.

[1022] Oh, my God, and you're thinking it's going to pop.

[1023] The whole thing's going to pop, and I'm going to die.

[1024] I'm going to die right here on the top of this fucking frozen bullshit.

[1025] There was an X -Files episode from a Frozen Tanker.

[1026] Really?

[1027] Yeah, they got frozen in, and then some virus was out.

[1028] out too to kill them.

[1029] They were turning old at a super quick rate.

[1030] Oh, with the virus?

[1031] That's what it was Yeah, and so they had to drink regular water.

[1032] The only water they had was infected.

[1033] And so it would make them turn old and they couldn't get any water they were frozen in.

[1034] So what did they do?

[1035] They got rescued right before they died at old age and they got sent back to the regular age.

[1036] Oh, they get sent back to the regular age.

[1037] How convenient.

[1038] Yeah, well, they fed them regular water or saline or something like that.

[1039] Oh, we just need to get them saline.

[1040] We can reverse this.

[1041] Fucking stupid plot.

[1042] Who wrote that?

[1043] How dare you, whoever you are you are?

[1044] That was at the end of the X -Files when they were basically just phoning it in.

[1045] I'm trying to think when that was.

[1046] I don't know.

[1047] Maybe.

[1048] Yeah, it was like this isn't...

[1049] They were out there, though, to find something.

[1050] I don't know why they were out there.

[1051] There comes in time when some people just phoned it in.

[1052] Yeah.

[1053] Certain amount of seasons have lost.

[1054] We're done trying.

[1055] Yeah.

[1056] That's why athletes always post -date their giant contracts.

[1057] Because, like, I might get another contract.

[1058] I'm done working.

[1059] I'm not going to make $30 million.

[1060] What do you mean by post -day?

[1061] They get more money as the contract goes, the 10 -year contract, so you're making like three times as much in the 10th year as you are in the first year.

[1062] Oh, really?

[1063] Yeah, but that's when you're going to be way worse.

[1064] Sure, unless you're some crazy person that's completely dedicated to always being the best ever.

[1065] Yeah.

[1066] You know, how bad did Michael Jordan fall off before he quit?

[1067] He didn't.

[1068] He didn't.

[1069] Did he quit the first time?

[1070] He was MVP level.

[1071] No, not when he quit to play baseball.

[1072] When he quit, quit, quit.

[1073] When he came back, he wasn't quite as good.

[1074] yeah he came back after that that's right yeah he was bad then he said he really hurt the wizards the bullets really because everyone would sort of stand around and watch him they just like here was jordan's time so everyone else got worse oh that's crazy that's funny so they got to give him the ball so much like jerry stackouts and people had to like watch him really like he's got to be our first option i used to be now on the second so i guess i'm just not as into it really yeah that's fascinating really hurt the wizards because then they could have been like a got enough one or two pick but instead he just came so they ended up getting like that eight or nine pick so how long did he play with them for i think a year maybe two so that was it he took off the time for baseball like one year you take for baseball maybe two maybe one i'm not sure i wonder what that was about he wanted to be like well my dad saw my last game his dad got murdered oh yeah remember by the side of the road in north carolina what the fuck yeah and then he was going to buy the fucking hornets when they were still in charlotte but the owner got super jewing grady about it and he was like if you buy it'll be worth more so I want more money.

[1075] Yeah.

[1076] A Michael Jordan's own franchise would be worth more, so you've got to pay more than this place is worth.

[1077] What kind of ridiculous fucking logic is that?

[1078] Then he lost it.

[1079] People are funny that way.

[1080] You hear some ridiculous claims that people want, you know, the people that want things sometimes.

[1081] It just makes you just go, what?

[1082] Yeah.

[1083] That's a pretty ridiculous one.

[1084] Yeah.

[1085] It's like, no, what's it worth?

[1086] He brings that money to anyone then.

[1087] Some people are just unreasonable cunts.

[1088] Yeah.

[1089] You see David Crow.

[1090] on Conan O 'Brien last night?

[1091] No. What did you do?

[1092] Is David Cross Jewish?

[1093] Yeah.

[1094] He was hilarious, man. He was promoting one of the movies he did was Chipmunks too.

[1095] But he's a pretty out there atheist, though.

[1096] Yeah.

[1097] He was promoting Chipmunks too, and he was just like bashing it.

[1098] Like, don't fucking go see this movie.

[1099] And one of the producers, like calling out a producer, he even called her out as being a female.

[1100] He didn't even say her name.

[1101] Really?

[1102] Yeah.

[1103] And he goes, you know, blah, blah, blah.

[1104] He just went off.

[1105] And then he started saying, you know what?

[1106] she has all the qualities of why people when they say they hate Jewish people or something like that or like like it was like so uncomfortable and even Conan you could tell they edited something right out of there because it was like one of those weird cuts where it's like oh really let's talk about this other show you know holy shit it was weird I think you can watch it probably on whatever David Cross does not strike me as an angry guy he was upset I just ran into him at the airport the other day he was super pleasant oh no no he just seemed like he was pissed off at somebody but I mean that's what I'm saying I'm saying saying if someone got him that riled up that he would be angry on Conan.

[1107] He was just doing it to separate himself from the fact that he's doing Chipmunks 2.

[1108] When he used to like mock all movies like that.

[1109] He even said he said that that's what he's doing.

[1110] He said even the movie is a giant commercial for whatever that that boat company is that they used in the movie.

[1111] Boat company?

[1112] What's one of the cruise ships?

[1113] I don't know.

[1114] Yeah it's like one of the cruise ships he's like it's just a big fucking commercial for them anyways and and he just started going off on the movie to that point where he's saying the movie's just bullshit and it's just a commercial It was that much worse than the first Chimp Monks that he also did.

[1115] It was beautiful.

[1116] It was so much worse that he couldn't see it coming from the first one.

[1117] I saw it.

[1118] He chose to take the money but just like shit on it afterwards.

[1119] Well, if it's funny Is he shitting on it and being funny?

[1120] He's just joking around.

[1121] I don't know.

[1122] Call it up.

[1123] I'm sure it's there.

[1124] Yeah.

[1125] Yeah, if it was on last night, I'm sure it's...

[1126] I read a thing on his website where he had to defend himself when he was doing it the first time that all these hipsters were angry him for doing the chipmucks movie like that and like men in black they were mad at him for that defend himself what do you care he's doing a little kids movie who gives a shit yeah but that whole scene that whole scene used to shit on like tim allen for doing like the santa claus and you're like it's a fucking kid who cares the whole scene is a bunch of bullies who were picked on when they were younger and they became bullies there's not all i shouldn't say the whole scene it's not the whole scene that alternative scene that there's it's part of the alternative scene is the pointing fingers at people and talking down about people and the shitting on people you know look there's a lot of people that are nice people and I don't like their acts but they're nice and I like seeing them there's a lot of people that I like seeing name seven I can name a few but I wouldn't do it on the air there wouldn't be seven but there might be four there might be five oh there's plenty of people you don't like there's a lot of people you don't like it all yeah well they're just you know there's annoying people but the point is there's a certain in an it club, you know, being a part of it, that scene, the alternative scene.

[1127] And it's a very judgmental and sort of like a bitchy little scene.

[1128] You know, I don't want to generalize completely, but the idea that I always got was that they were like the dorks in high school.

[1129] Yeah, now they're powerful.

[1130] And now they're powerful.

[1131] They took the power.

[1132] But they're turning on other people, the same way people turned on them in high school.

[1133] Yeah, it's not as bad as I did now.

[1134] It's kind of way better.

[1135] But yeah, it seemed like a totally good thing.

[1136] There was a vibe of that.

[1137] Bert Kreischer told me a horrible story once about a bunch of alternative guys being mean to him.

[1138] And I was like, you know, like, it's so stupid.

[1139] You know, when you see someone that you know.

[1140] It's just like our thing, just like saying Brooklyn's the best or Stockton's the best.

[1141] And it's clearly not.

[1142] Well, you know, there's a...

[1143] But it's just like saying our thing is the people we haven't run into are the best comics in the world.

[1144] And it's like, and not other people that you randomly didn't run into?

[1145] I think it's also a thing where people want confirmation that they're on the right track and the best way to do guys the shit on people are on a different track.

[1146] So you got to make your team the most powerful team.

[1147] Yeah.

[1148] Yeah, what is that man?

[1149] Like people want you to be on their fucking, your cell phone provider.

[1150] Yeah.

[1151] You have to get mad if you're not.

[1152] Yeah.

[1153] Come on man. You're still with AT &T, bro.

[1154] I thought you're smarter than that.

[1155] I thought you're smart than that.

[1156] Because you want to be 100 % right in all your choices.

[1157] Yeah.

[1158] Right.

[1159] And just like, no, in my neighborhood, Verizon's not good.

[1160] And yours it is.

[1161] It's a difference.

[1162] It's really like a religious thing too.

[1163] It's all the same shit.

[1164] We're fucked.

[1165] We're stupid.

[1166] We're a stupid monkey.

[1167] That's supposed to have this kind of power, Shafir.

[1168] That's the real issue.

[1169] We're still supposed to be figuring out consciousness.

[1170] We're not supposed to be working on nuclear bombs at this stage.

[1171] We're way ahead of ourselves technologically.

[1172] Right, Brian?

[1173] What are you looking at, Brian?

[1174] I'm trying to get this clip for you.

[1175] There's been the silence attack.

[1176] You're watching something.

[1177] I have to watch fucking commercials.

[1178] Yeah, that's just how it goes now.

[1179] You can't watch a YouTube clip anymore.

[1180] You've got to watch some 30 seconds of bullshit.

[1181] Very, very annoying.

[1182] Yeah, God damn it.

[1183] And this is five minutes.

[1184] This was five minutes of commercials.

[1185] What?

[1186] Yeah, it's on Team Coco's website.

[1187] Wait a minute.

[1188] You have five minutes of commercials before you can watch the clip?

[1189] No, no, you get to watch the first, like, 40 minutes or something like that.

[1190] And then they make you watch, like, a five -minute commercial break.

[1191] So they make you do it, they do it just like it's TV.

[1192] You can't find, there's no YouTube clips of that or Hulu from that.

[1193] Well, I just have a feeling that the ones I will find will cut off before.

[1194] I mean, at least this is sort of some sort of an alternative for them to be able to advertise on videos and, you know, and promote these videos getting out there.

[1195] I mean, if you all you have to do is watch some 30 seconds clip here or there.

[1196] They're doing on South Park Studios too in between breaks.

[1197] Do they?

[1198] Like everyone's while they play a 30 second commercial.

[1199] Not much, though.

[1200] And they have the kids cursing, so it's way better.

[1201] So Brian, did you find it online anywhere other than the Team Coco website?

[1202] No. I heard that that show is not doing very well.

[1203] well, ratings -wise.

[1204] Oh, yeah, everyone's saying that.

[1205] That's weird, man. People loved Conan O 'Brien when he was on NBC in that time slot, and for whatever reason, why can't they follow him?

[1206] Why isn't it the same amount of people following him?

[1207] I think some, I guess you can DVR, but I feel like those people were, I don't know.

[1208] People liked liking him.

[1209] They liked the idea of liking Conan.

[1210] But they didn't really watch when he was on earlier.

[1211] Really?

[1212] I mean, they didn't watch.

[1213] You can blame on the lead in all they want, but those people weren't.

[1214] people weren't watching.

[1215] All my friends are like, that's way better.

[1216] I'm like, once the last time you watched it?

[1217] Well, it is a weird thing that they had when they did that Jay Leno thing, when they had the Jay Leno show at 10, then they had a tonight show at 11.

[1218] That was wonky.

[1219] That was a silly idea.

[1220] Got everybody talking about it.

[1221] Okay.

[1222] So it doesn't, it doesn't, it just in your professionally worst thing that ever happened to you.

[1223] Yeah, it's, um, it was just, it was a miserable experience because of, he's talking about being in the movie Chipmunks too.

[1224] I just, um, I had a, I was, I was forced at legal point to spend a week on a cruise ship.

[1225] And I know you and your family love going on cruises.

[1226] That's all we do.

[1227] I know, I know, I know.

[1228] So I'm not trying to.

[1229] You're talking about it.

[1230] Never been on a cruise in my life.

[1231] Oh, Conan, stop it.

[1232] It's me. All right.

[1233] Yes, let's just say I love going on cruises.

[1234] You go on the Disney Fun Time cruise and, you know.

[1235] So far it sounds fine.

[1236] It's.

[1237] Now, how could they legally, why would they legally want to make you be on a cruise ship.

[1238] Explain that to me. I don't know.

[1239] I don't know.

[1240] It was terrible.

[1241] There was no reason for me to be there if you see the movie and don't.

[1242] It was...

[1243] And I mean, first of all, chip -wrecked.

[1244] It's a pun.

[1245] You know, kids, five -year -olds love puns.

[1246] They love it.

[1247] They love wordplay.

[1248] And it's a big commercial for Carnival Cruise Lines.

[1249] The entire movie.

[1250] Yes.

[1251] And they thought, won't it be fun to get David on there?

[1252] And the scenes that take place on the cruise ship, I am always in a pelican mascot foam rubber outfit where you cannot see any of my flesh, nor do I have any dialogue.

[1253] Well, wait, if that's the case, I'm sure you said to them, get a stand in, get someone else to be in the foam rubber costume, and take him away on a, on a cruise for a week.

[1254] I tried that line of logic and reason.

[1255] But there was one producer who, everybody else had my back, and the director was like, oh, we don't, that's fine.

[1256] We don't need them.

[1257] And I'm in the middle of Todd Margaret, too.

[1258] I was in London.

[1259] And they're like, no, you have to go.

[1260] Or it's more like, yeah, yum, yeah.

[1261] And there's this one producer, and I won't say, but she is the personification of what people think about when they think negatively about Jews to give you you know what when people conjure up no no I don't that was about your show the increasingly poor decisions of Todd Margaret very funny show you I'm sure you enjoy and then there was a cut where even Conan's arm like moved a little bit I didn't see the cut, but I definitely saw him pretty uncomfortable.

[1262] Do I see the cut?

[1263] No, I don't care.

[1264] Yeah, wow, that was strong words.

[1265] But I wonder if he's like really good friends with the girl and he's just fucking around.

[1266] It could be that he was like, it could be that he was like good friends with her and that was just a joke.

[1267] Bashed in a movie that just was released that that person's producing?

[1268] I doubt it.

[1269] Was he bashing the movie?

[1270] Yeah, he said, don't see the movie.

[1271] And then he said it's just a big commercial for Carnival Cruise Lines.

[1272] Right.

[1273] Well, did they make him do the movie?

[1274] Is that what happened?

[1275] Was he contractually obligated to do the second film?

[1276] I don't know.

[1277] I think he was just pissed about being on that boat for a week.

[1278] Yeah, that was the bit.

[1279] Yeah.

[1280] Yeah, I mean, I don't know.

[1281] It didn't offend me. It didn't seem to bad at all.

[1282] Yeah, I mean, the movie is what the movie is.

[1283] He made a joke.

[1284] He made a joke.

[1285] Like, don't see it.

[1286] It's for five -year -olds.

[1287] Yeah, he's a fucking comic.

[1288] It's not for him.

[1289] He did a job, and it's not his gig, you know?

[1290] I'm just saying it was funny.

[1291] Yeah, no, it was.

[1292] Well, he's funny.

[1293] David Cross is fucking hilarious.

[1294] But, yeah, it probably sucks to be him.

[1295] and be one of those movies and take all that hipster shit those hipsters are probably like super mad at them they were dude you fucking totally sold out and that that's selling out thing with that with that restaurant show no what you gotta look at it what is it he went off on a heckler and then somebody but like to where I don't know it got weird and some some comic that was there wrote about it just saying that was so fucking weird oh I did hear about that he was trying out some new material and someone was filming him yeah yeah and he asked the lady to stop filming him because he didn't want it to get on the internet which is you know valid especially because he was doing a free show yeah just the bashing afterwards he bashed people yeah what did he say it's just calling her fat and ugly oh i didn't know that yeah oh wow i don't know so you know it got uncomfortable which is fine how bad was it did did you see it no my friend did he was there and he was like yeah it was super uncomfortable you just you've got you've done it before where it's like i want too harsh in this girl you know it's we're not 100 % we're guessing like where's the line right now Well, not only that.

[1296] You could be angry and lose your composure a little.

[1297] Or your girlfriend could just said something that makes you fucking mad at women.

[1298] Or it could be just the seventh day in a row where you've been heckled.

[1299] Yeah.

[1300] You can't get through your shit.

[1301] Who knows?

[1302] Was it just a woman holding up the camera?

[1303] Was someone heckling?

[1304] One girl, she said, she just had her thing.

[1305] She said, sorry, I'll delete it.

[1306] He's saying what you didn't see was her.

[1307] You have to look at it.

[1308] What she was saying?

[1309] He responded to this comic.

[1310] He said you were fine.

[1311] That was well written.

[1312] You're a funny comic.

[1313] Some new girl.

[1314] And he goes, but you didn't see us when I asked her show off her roll her eyes and mouth asshole to her friends well you know I see his point of view but I see hers too he goes yeah I saw her do that that was after he was ripping into her like after she said oh I'm so sorry I'll turn it off well who knows me we're just commenting you have to be there but I was talking about last night there was like why some people not able to just say like oh yeah yeah it wasn't the best well some people never want to be wrong and some people are really young too it's okay yeah well it could be who knows who knows we'd have to hear him talk about it and them talk I mean we might say something completely different yeah we would have to actually see a video to fucking tell the truth really to be able to decipher for ourselves I don't really kind of get into it no don't care at all did you see what happened with Stanhope the kid stole his shit and was like literally verbatim putting Stanhope bits on his blog as if he's this fucking you know just hanging in front of like a camera no wrote it wrote it written little articles in his blog entries.

[1315] What did Stanhope do?

[1316] Oh, my God.

[1317] Stanhope went after him with the power of Thor.

[1318] Stanhope went on to his Facebook page and posted in every photo on his Facebook page.

[1319] You're a fraud.

[1320] You know, like the little jokes about him being a fraud.

[1321] Stanhope put it up on Twitter.

[1322] So, of course, the swarms of human beings who went to this guy's website and the guy had comments up on his website.

[1323] His comments were just filled with people saying, you're ripping off, Doug Stanhope, you fucking hack, you this.

[1324] you that and just torturing this poor guy.

[1325] And Stanhope did it for hours.

[1326] For hours he just had people who were just fucking just going after this poor fuck.

[1327] And the guy apparently is a comic.

[1328] You know, he just tries to be Mr. Cool guy and...

[1329] He's a comic too?

[1330] Yeah, he tried to be Mr. Cool guy and steal Doug Stanhope's material and pass it off at his own.

[1331] So he's just getting tortured?

[1332] Oh my God, he's done.

[1333] He had to pull his Facebook.

[1334] The next day his Facebook and his blog were both There's screenshots of it all, and there's a Facebook page all about it.

[1335] I forget the name of the Facebook page where it shows what, like, you know, like that Stanhope wrote on each photo.

[1336] Yeah, Stanhope wrote some funny shit about his dad.

[1337] I wonder how sad his father would be if he knew his son was a fraud.

[1338] It's just, I mean, Stanhope just kept going after the guy.

[1339] But, you know, the guy's like so retarded.

[1340] Like, the way he did it was so dumb.

[1341] Just copied a famous.

[1342] comedians work.

[1343] That's what you're going to do?

[1344] You know, you want to come off as like a guy who really?

[1345] I mean, did you think that somehow or another, no one would...

[1346] It's okay because people were reading it instead of hearing it.

[1347] I didn't...

[1348] Did you just to pass grades?

[1349] I was like, I don't want to do this work.

[1350] They can't do that anymore.

[1351] They can't do that anymore.

[1352] No. Because if you have a file, there's programs now that they can run that file through and it'll recognize plagiarism.

[1353] But I wasn't trying to say like, I didn't want any recognition for what I've done.

[1354] Right.

[1355] Yeah, of course.

[1356] You just wanted to get out of your situation.

[1357] You're just forced and get that spot.

[1358] There's software now to just, wow.

[1359] Yeah, there's software online software.

[1360] There should be.

[1361] They write new songs.

[1362] Duplicates of your work online.

[1363] That's cool.

[1364] I didn't know teachers had that.

[1365] Yeah, oh, you're fucked now.

[1366] My buddy, John Wilver, my brother -in -law now, I guess actually, I'm brother -in -law's brother.

[1367] But he copied word for word out of cliff notes one day.

[1368] And the teacher was like, you copy this from Cliffs.

[1369] I can, the same exact paragraph.

[1370] There's not a word change.

[1371] He just stuck to his story.

[1372] He was like, nope, sure didn't.

[1373] No, I made that up.

[1374] Wow.

[1375] She goes, this entire paragraph, there's not a word changed.

[1376] Well, you know, if he's that confident, she can't hang.

[1377] What kind of a teacher is that?

[1378] It was one of the non -Jewish teachers we bust in.

[1379] Oh, one of the non -Jewish teachers, like they couldn't hang?

[1380] I think eventually that she was like, fine, whatever.

[1381] Was it like just they couldn't deal with the Jewish mentor?

[1382] What was it?

[1383] Probably like, look at this brat.

[1384] he refused to admit it fine i don't give a shit then fucking copy for the rest of your life but the jewish teachers would come down on you for shit like that is that what you said non -jewish yeah like the non -jewish teachers were easier more than non -jewish ones we just didn't respect really yeah they just didn't have our how come we could run over them i don't know i was thinking about this lately there was some teachers you all agreed we're not going to respect you really and year after year everyone makes the same agreement nobody talks about it wow and there's some teachers like you don't fuck with rob it crack hour yeah what is that man And what is it that some kids just like certain teachers and everybody gets a long grade?

[1385] I don't know.

[1386] It might be like hidden, like nonverbal cues you're giving out or, you know, I have no idea.

[1387] There's weak teachers and there's strong teachers.

[1388] They all have the same curriculum to teach.

[1389] What, that has got to be the biggest fucking problem with this country.

[1390] It's got to be the biggest problem is how kids go to school.

[1391] The education system, you know, coming out of it with your fucking head together.

[1392] Yeah.

[1393] Trying to decipher all the nonsense, stupidity and fucking programming.

[1394] And the idea that, you know, no one ever gets pushed into our field.

[1395] No one ever, no one ever says, you know what, Ari, you're always cracking jokes in class.

[1396] You're a funny guy.

[1397] You obviously need attention.

[1398] Have you thought about going to an open mic night?

[1399] No one's ever said that to you.

[1400] Have you thought about maybe being a stand -up comedian?

[1401] Yeah.

[1402] No, you have to get some job somewhere.

[1403] Yeah, you have to.

[1404] Get some job stupid.

[1405] Even when you were doing it for a little while, they're still like, come on, how much longer?

[1406] The preparation for a shit existence.

[1407] That's the worst part about it, man. And the worst part about it is it kind of breaks your soul.

[1408] When you go through shit -boring classes in school, it breaks your soul for the idea that you prepares you for the idea that you're always going to have to do this.

[1409] I had a teacher.

[1410] He taught Modern American Lit.

[1411] And his deal was this.

[1412] He goes, you will never have to know anything about what Joseph Conrad wrote.

[1413] What you were learning here with a Bachelor of Arts is how to get reports done on time.

[1414] Whoa.

[1415] Because that's it.

[1416] That's all you're learning.

[1417] Jesus.

[1418] You're not going to have to apply any of this.

[1419] Fitzgerald, when is that going to come in your regular life?

[1420] never but you got to learn when I say 9 o 'clock on Tuesday haven't on my desk that's all they're preparing you for I think he's right on a really large degree yeah he is right for sure I mean that is what ultimately it is that this the that's what's getting measured you know yeah yeah you can't measure how much you're learning you measure how much how well you're doing on tests and how much you know effort you're putting into your your paper are there measurements supposed to be just going to learn people are lazy as fuck we want to make sure you're doing your work and not only that it's not just about educating people.

[1421] It's about educating people and preparing them for work.

[1422] Because that's really what it's all about.

[1423] And there's a certain amount of discipline that you're just not going to have.

[1424] How would you be able to get it like a creative kid to nurture them from the start?

[1425] Fucking hard, man. The schools are real.

[1426] I mean, they know they have art, right?

[1427] Well, you know, we got to, we boxed ourselves into a bad situation as a species, as a race, as a civilization, because we need a lot of people doing shit that sucks.

[1428] Oh, yeah.

[1429] It's not like as a child like you're groomed into a world of happiness and and and prosperity and fulfillment and no there's a lot there's a maze and there's a fucking million pitfalls and million jobs that you can get into that are not going to be satisfying to you you and you have to figure you way through those we need people we need someone we need more machines you ever meet somebody and when you're trying to explain to them why they're wrong and misguided you realize you're so stupid I don't I have to rethink how I'm going to express this to you well some people yeah some people just don't have enough information in their head and they you know their their view of the world is very limited yeah i've met very few i've met a lot of uninterjured i shouldn't say i met very few i've met a lot inspired people but much more more people are uninspired than are stupid there's definitely stupid people though it must be like explaining stuff to your kid no because kids get things oh kids get things and they don't have any refusal to get anything no kids get things and they bring it up the next day they have questions about the next day like they're they're pondering an idea the kid it's not yeah they don't have any prior programming that you have have to fuck with.

[1430] The real problem is a person who grew their whole life and their mind developed in some ridiculous way.

[1431] Yeah, and just got stuck in that way.

[1432] You know, you get some poor guy who was a fucking fundamentalist Christian, one of those crazy speaking in tongues guys, you know, and at 40 years old, he's just starting to branch out on his own and escape his former past.

[1433] I mean, what are the guys lost?

[1434] Yeah, what are his chances?

[1435] Good luck.

[1436] Being able to do it.

[1437] Good luck.

[1438] Yeah, but if you got that guy when he was a baby and brought him up in a reasonable household, where people are logical and loving and you know and kind of like gave him a sort of a helpful boost but let him know hey man this is a crazy world and nobody understands it stick close to the people you love and enjoy yourself if you can yeah this is what they say with autistic kids like early you get them the more normalized you can make them really yeah but you got to get them for they set in patterns there's something to do with with autistic kids and you know whatever it is it's causing that and there has to be I mean it's a very unpopular opinion but there has to be something to do with autistic kids and the next stage of human evolution.

[1439] What do you mean?

[1440] It has to be.

[1441] Because there's so many people that are savants, so many people that have autism or...

[1442] So that'll lead to a jump in development or something?

[1443] I think what they're experiencing, what these people are experiencing for whatever reason because of their disease, and not all of them can do this, but the few that can, there's so many of them.

[1444] There's so many super genius autistic kids.

[1445] I mean, there's a million videos.

[1446] You can look at them.

[1447] I'm exaggerating, obviously.

[1448] But there's a lot of videos.

[1449] You can go online.

[1450] There's the one kid that we talked about that can look out the window of a plane and draw the exact scene perfectly.

[1451] I mean, he can just memorize things.

[1452] There's people that can do very, very complex mathematics at a really young age.

[1453] There's a kid that's got something like Asperger's or something, and he's this incredible composer.

[1454] He's composed like five symphonies, and he's like 11 years old or something nuts.

[1455] All right is those guys, Asperger's that hangs out of the store, and all he does is make it socially uncomfortable for everyone.

[1456] well maybe no one ever put a fucking pair of drumsticks in that kid's hand you know maybe you get that motherfucker on a drumskin but I when you see something that's hyperhuman yeah and it's it's also attached to a disease you know it's like to develop webbing for water world right between their toes and shit so moving forward yeah I mean I wonder I wonder what it is but when when you see people capable of incredible feats and they also have this incredible emotional and psychological impairment you know this inability to communicate and connect with people or whatever it is that they have whatever personal kink they have but to also have this super power it's amazing man it's amazing when you watch those shows like whenever they have like an A &E show or something when they feature a bunch of people who can do like ridiculous shit you know there's some people that literally are another thing they're like they have a little bit of the new thing in them you know and I wonder how many more of them we have now than just a hundred years ago you know I wonder how many more people are born I mean there's obviously like super geniuses always there's always been guys like Tesla you know and Stephen Hawking and dudes of that nature He's still alive.

[1457] Yeah it's crazy isn't it?

[1458] Yeah, most people with Luke Ayers Yeah I mean it fucked him up It sounded like it came out feeling fine Yeah But like he's still alive He's alive and making computations with his fingers How's he doing that?

[1459] I have no idea God when I heard about Patrice and not being able to talk before he went it was like oh that's it that's who he is that's everything i know about him it revolves on his mouth yeah that's horrible this guy's figured out a way to do something wow keep it going to keep it going he ever seen his fingers move he moves and he clicks on this thing and he can kind of moves and and choose his words from his screen it's really amazing it's amazing that's amazing he invented all that junk for himself i don't know that's a good question i don't know i don't think so oh i don't know still amazing yeah i don't want to downplay the I wonder, I wonder what keeps a dude like that moving on, because there has to be some form of enjoyment for him as well.

[1460] I mean, he must be enjoying something about, yeah, his science career, you know.

[1461] Which one of your clear, like, biological imperatives is to continue life.

[1462] Yeah.

[1463] So he's like, he has to have some reason to do that.

[1464] Stay alive.

[1465] Yeah, he must get a fulfillment out of it, finding out new shit or writing a book.

[1466] Just like anybody.

[1467] Yeah, what a strange situation, man, to be trapped.

[1468] in your body like that and doing computations with your fingers on this thing.

[1469] Click, click, click, click, click, click.

[1470] Whose phone is next to the computer?

[1471] Because the thing keeps going, tick, do, do, dig.

[1472] Is that your phone, Brian?

[1473] Yeah, next to your computer, right?

[1474] It's not the computer, there's nothing to do with the sound.

[1475] You sure?

[1476] Yeah.

[1477] Well, doesn't sound come through that computer?

[1478] Yeah, but it's completely muted.

[1479] It's completely muted.

[1480] I don't think it has to do with the mute.

[1481] I think it's electricity.

[1482] Oh, yeah, the electricity is going to do it.

[1483] It does that in radio sometimes.

[1484] Yeah, it's not the matter of the computer.

[1485] computer being muted it is because you have the phone next to the computer it's like picking up a signal yeah yeah it's not a mute thing it's not like it's coming through like a like a sound they say that when you're shooting sometimes they like turns your phones off yeah on mute off we're getting feedback yeah it goes to do it in your car sometimes too yeah if you leave it right near your stereo if you have like a hole underneath your stereo for where your CDs go or something yeah leave it there it's real close it'll it'll find through how fucked is that man how fucked is this some signal that's having a war inside your car they're battle in for dominance.

[1486] Meanwhile, these are all bouncing around.

[1487] That's the reason they tell you to turn your phones off on the plane.

[1488] Is that it?

[1489] I think so.

[1490] And if everyone's doing that, it can really come through.

[1491] Makes sense.

[1492] Phones make sense.

[1493] You know, or what doesn't make sense?

[1494] Like iPods.

[1495] That doesn't make sense.

[1496] That seems silly.

[1497] But you know what?

[1498] Whatever.

[1499] I think it's an exercise in getting people to pay attention to rules.

[1500] It's just like moving your seat back forward.

[1501] You know, I don't think that.

[1502] It's just to get you ready for the...

[1503] Well, otherwise, how do three older women control an entire plane full of people it's like listen i want to fall asleep now i don't want to turn it back on yeah i'm gonna listen the music the whole time yeah can i guess fall asleep with it in can't you're gonna kill us all i got caught once was it that easy to kill people if you all you gotta do is like keep an ipot on and the plane would fall out of the fucking sky and one of the holtman's old jokes that's what happened the space shuttle oh it's so easy yeah some jewish couple in the back had the tray table down for the kosher meal and now you can't take off with the kosher meal tray down yeah it's a weird thing that you could actually even tell people that if you had your phone on it could be in danger like what fix that you know those A380s there's an article today I think I retweeted it those A380s are showing cracks on the wings Really?

[1504] Yeah Those ones were built how long ago Yeah I'll tell you right now Well there's apparently there's One of them was a Qantas jet And two other ones Were you?

[1505] Yeah with you Oh that's right Yeah, we were.

[1506] Yeah, world's biggest super jumbo jets must be grounded, say, engineers after cracks are found in the wings of three Airbus A380s.

[1507] Cracks are some of the worst things you can find in a way.

[1508] Yeah, I would say.

[1509] Two Singapore air super jumbos and one Qantas.

[1510] Both airlines admit the cracks, but say the planes are safe.

[1511] What?

[1512] This is our quote.

[1513] Oh, my God.

[1514] Are you out of your mind?

[1515] This is amazing.

[1516] Those are huge fucking planes.

[1517] When Ari and I flew in it, it's like flying in a giant apartment building.

[1518] That's weird.

[1519] We, there was, like, we sat in the front and there was a second floor.

[1520] We could, like, go upstairs to the bar.

[1521] So there's actually a bar that you can sit at, like, a real bar.

[1522] There was a bar.

[1523] That's cool.

[1524] Yeah, there was a bar, and they had, like, magazines out and shit, and they would just serve you food or drink, whatever you wanted.

[1525] The entire time you were there.

[1526] It was ridiculous.

[1527] It's, the thing that you get in first class is, like, it's like an apartment.

[1528] It's huge.

[1529] It's enormous.

[1530] It spins.

[1531] Your seat spins.

[1532] Like, it goes straight if you want to lie down.

[1533] Or, you turn it side.

[1534] Sideways and it can be like a lazy boy and then you have this big ass flat screen TV in front of you I mean it's ridiculous and the food is really fucking good It's like most airline food sucks right, but like like Quantis first class fucking good meals man It's yummy food and you're 30 ,000 feet above the ocean Hurling through the sky in a metal tube it ain't like southwest then the eight -course tasting menu Yeah, that's what they had it was so delicious fucking great man you get pajamas yeah you get pajamas yeah you get pajamas There's a toothpaste and shit.

[1535] I jerked off on the plane.

[1536] Did you really?

[1537] Yeah.

[1538] Here's what you got to do because the pot is not completely enclosed.

[1539] So if any rich people are listening, you don't turn your body towards away, I mean from the opening, you have to turn towards it because you're always worried like somebody might be coming up.

[1540] So you turn so you can see him come through the netting.

[1541] Right, because they can see you down there beating off if you were beaten off to the life.

[1542] I put my head by where my dick would be.

[1543] And I looked at the lady behind, like who could get an angle at it.

[1544] She was asleep.

[1545] right so I was like okay how much time do you think you took probably it was probably a little longer probably like two two full minutes two full minutes yeah were you furious or you no no that's why I was like saw and then I was coming stuff yeah real gentle but base up on the left hand and jerk it on with the right that's what you were doing yeah because I was on the right side of the plane that's probably good for your core as well to support yourself in that way well just you don't yeah fall over and then would you shoot it into your pajama tops no I shot it into the um the you know those slipper socks they give you?

[1546] Yeah.

[1547] I turned one of those inside out and shot it into it.

[1548] And then I was forced like a peasant to use my regular socks.

[1549] I was on a plane once with Melanie Griffith.

[1550] We were flying to England.

[1551] She was sitting right in front of me. And there was a dude who was right beside her.

[1552] And you know how when planes in the first class cabins that their seats don't line up, like everyone's not head to toe.

[1553] They're kind of staggered because they're these big ass pods.

[1554] Well, the way it was staggered was Melanie Griffith.

[1555] head lined up directly with this fat guy's ass it was right across the aisle no more than a couple feet away her head directly lined up with his ass and he unloaded this dude unloaded in the middle of the flight and one of the most horrific Tate like farts our friend Tate Fletcher is known for having the most ferocious farts because Tate's a big giant dude and he takes a lot of protein powder and when you eat a lot of protein like your body like it's not get rid of a lot of that process that extra shit well and it turns into farts and this dude just I mean I don't know what he ate but he was a big guy and by the way I don't even know if it was his fart because it's not like I have a fucking locator but if you're on a plane and there's a fart and you see a fat guy that guy gets blamed he gets blamed and his ass is lined up yeah it's more than like black kids get blamed for stolen things fat people get blamed for farts on planes always like that's like the first person you look to like fuck yeah it was him and the way it lined up, it was just his ass was just right across from her face.

[1556] It was horrific, man. I mean, it was a nightmare fart.

[1557] And, I mean, what are the odds in life that you would ever have your face, or Melanie Griffith's face, that close to your ass, that you could unload on her face like that?

[1558] You know?

[1559] I think I should fart on her face.

[1560] I talked about it on stage that night in England, you know, because it was so ridiculous, because, I mean, I would just, it was just such a preposterous lineup.

[1561] I can never turn into a bit, but it was really hilarious at the time.

[1562] I just, I couldn't imagine.

[1563] And I was thinking, what if this guy like had planned this out?

[1564] What if you like came to Melanie Griffith's agent?

[1565] And he said, listen, I'd be willing to pay a million dollars to fart in Mrs. Griffin's face.

[1566] And like, you're out of your fucking mind.

[1567] You know, we can't bring that offer to her.

[1568] Just bring it to her, man. Let her decide.

[1569] They wouldn't do it.

[1570] Then the agent said, listen, I think we can work something out.

[1571] I've been looking in how these planes line up.

[1572] And this is what I want to show you.

[1573] Look at this.

[1574] Here's your seat.

[1575] Here's I think we got it.

[1576] I think we got it.

[1577] Melody doesn't even have to know.

[1578] Isn't that a little unethical?

[1579] Keeping the money from Melanie?

[1580] I mean, that's part of my thrill.

[1581] Well, you know, I'll just slip it into a bank account.

[1582] Melanie doesn't have to know.

[1583] Just a little extra money in her bank account.

[1584] This guy just opened his ass on Melanie's head.

[1585] It was just hot.

[1586] It was a hot fart, for sure.

[1587] There was some heat to it.

[1588] That was one where you might not have known how bad it was before you let it go.

[1589] But once you let it go, you realized how atrocious.

[1590] What a terrible.

[1591] person you are, how you should be despised.

[1592] Think about all the shit particles from your ass, and if people were forced to acknowledge in their nostrils.

[1593] Word.

[1594] Word.

[1595] Are we have one of those crazy pods of Brazil?

[1596] I don't know.

[1597] I don't know.

[1598] What it's going to be like.

[1599] All right's going to Brazil with me. We're going to party.

[1600] We're going to party in Rio.

[1601] Apparently, it's the nuttyest crowd for MMA ever.

[1602] You've never seen them more.

[1603] Really?

[1604] And they're all Brazilian on the card.

[1605] A lot of Brazilians in the card.

[1606] And good ones.

[1607] Hussamar, Paul.

[1608] is fighting.

[1609] That's a fucking great fight, man. That's going to be interesting.

[1610] I think it must go nuts for it.

[1611] Aldo fighting Chad Mendez, man. I wouldn't want to be Chad Mendez in Brazil.

[1612] Jesus Christ.

[1613] Aldo and Anderson, you know, like heroes.

[1614] They're heroes.

[1615] They're heroes.

[1616] Well, they're two of three.

[1617] I mean, it's really, there's no country like Brazil, man, where there's three UFC champions.

[1618] I mean, there's only, how many weight classes now?

[1619] There's 35, 45, 55, 70, 85, 205, and heavyweight.

[1620] So there's seven weight classes and three of them are dominated by Brazilians.

[1621] Wow.

[1622] That's amazing.

[1623] They don't have that in Americans.

[1624] What's that?

[1625] They don't have as many Americans.

[1626] No, George St. Pierre is 170, but then Mick Diaz and Carlos Condit, two Americans, are going to be fighting for the interim belt.

[1627] So that's going to be, why?

[1628] Oh, interim belt.

[1629] Well, it means a lot because George is out for a long time.

[1630] He's knees blown.

[1631] He had to get surgery.

[1632] He had to get a Patelotendium graph.

[1633] It's a big surgery.

[1634] The Patelotendin graph is a difficult one.

[1635] The way they do that, it's a long road to recovery.

[1636] You have to, they take a chunk of bone out of your kneecap and a chunk of bone out of your shin and they slice the patella tendon.

[1637] They take a piece of it off and they use that piece to recreate the ACL, the anterior cruciate ligament that's inside the middle of the knee, the stabilizing ligament.

[1638] So then they have to screw that in place.

[1639] They have to drill holes and then they have to take the little piece of bone took from your kneecap and stuff it into your bone, stuff it into your humorous.

[1640] Is that what it is?

[1641] What's the thigh?

[1642] Femmer?

[1643] Femmer.

[1644] Stuff it into your femur.

[1645] And then they stuffed it into the lower one, too, whatever your shin bone is.

[1646] Yeah, it's gnarly, shit.

[1647] So he's out for a long time.

[1648] Whatever you had.

[1649] Yeah, you were jacked.

[1650] Well, that has actually a technique that they've been using for a long time that the pettlet tendon graph more than 20 years because I had it done, a pettelotelotentine graph done in the 90s.

[1651] I had it done, I believe it was 93.

[1652] I had it done.

[1653] But now they more likely use a graft from a dead person.

[1654] I have in my right knee a cadaver graft.

[1655] Really?

[1656] Yeah, they use the Achilles tendon.

[1657] Sean Rouse is he really?

[1658] Two new plastic knees.

[1659] Artificial knees.

[1660] He has no cartilage in his knees.

[1661] Neither one of his knees.

[1662] Zero.

[1663] Our friend Sean Rouse has a crazy form of arthritis.

[1664] It's like super aggressive arthritis.

[1665] He's so happy now.

[1666] I'm so excited.

[1667] I believe I got him bumped up.

[1668] Bobby Lieberman hooked them up?

[1669] I was like, I know a guy who works at whatever.

[1670] So what are they going to, you know how they do that, man?

[1671] They have to cut your knee off.

[1672] Yeah, he's got pretty much nothing anymore.

[1673] You ever see how they do hip replacements?

[1674] No. It's gnarly, dude.

[1675] They take the socket out.

[1676] They cut it off.

[1677] They saw it off.

[1678] And they put a new socket in there and drive it into your fucking bone.

[1679] They screw this bolt into your bone.

[1680] And now you have this new ball and socket set up in your hip.

[1681] That's probably a hundred times better than the original.

[1682] Yeah.

[1683] I want to get everything replaced.

[1684] Sort of, no, because it's like, it's also an alien piece.

[1685] Sean said the only problem is they said it will start to dissolve after about 15 years, which is totally fine for him.

[1686] But he goes, dissolve to wear, just into my body?

[1687] Whoa, after 15 years?

[1688] Yeah.

[1689] And so then they go back and replace it.

[1690] 15 years or no, they'll probably have amazing ones.

[1691] Maybe, probably, yeah.

[1692] Yeah, they'll probably have one that's better than the human knee.

[1693] Hologram knee.

[1694] When you would think they would, with lightweight materials and if they could figure out something that's biocompatible.

[1695] someone's going to start having the surgeries just because I don't need it but fuck it.

[1696] Have you seen that dude who he's got no legs?

[1697] He lost his legs and he's competing in races with these artificial legs.

[1698] He lost his legs below the knee.

[1699] And so they put these spring things.

[1700] Yeah, these crazy fucking things.

[1701] I wouldn't want to race against that guy.

[1702] And he actually is like kicking ass with these things man. He could run fast and some people are actually saying like this is an unfair advantage.

[1703] Like what?

[1704] You can't say that man. A dude gets his legs cut off.

[1705] No, but he's got springs on his legs.

[1706] No, but still, you got to deal with that shit running down the street.

[1707] Unless he's breaking world records, you got to deal with that shit.

[1708] As long as he gets close, it's okay?

[1709] Yeah, unless he's breaking...

[1710] What if he shatters world records?

[1711] That would be incredible.

[1712] Can you imagine if guys started getting their legs cut off so that they could run as fast as him and getting these artificial feet screwed on?

[1713] Somebody would make these skates and what they would do is, and the speed skates, they would come slightly apart from the skate as you were stepping up so they would give you're an extra split second of ice time.

[1714] If it's touching the ice, the blade, would get, like, slowly removed from your shoe.

[1715] Wow.

[1716] So it would stay in the ice a little longer.

[1717] And all those, like, I think it was Swiss.

[1718] I don't know.

[1719] They were all fucking shattering records.

[1720] Jesus Christ.

[1721] Just from doing that.

[1722] Yeah.

[1723] Isn't that amazing?

[1724] It's clever little monkeys.

[1725] Yeah.

[1726] Clever little monkeys figure that out.

[1727] Remember this last past Olympics with a dude died on the bombs?

[1728] Oh, yeah.

[1729] Oh, yeah.

[1730] Oh, yeah.

[1731] Oh, that's gnarly, man. That's why I'm a huge proponent of everyone should have to wear helmet can see what that ride of your life first hand.

[1732] We need to know that that's possible.

[1733] Yeah.

[1734] We need to know that that's possible.

[1735] You know?

[1736] That's not something you should keep from people.

[1737] People that are considering being a bobsled person.

[1738] You could die from this.

[1739] Yeah.

[1740] Everyone was saying that it was way too fast.

[1741] It was running way too fast.

[1742] Well, you look at what they're doing, man. God.

[1743] They're going so fast.

[1744] They're flying in those fucking things.

[1745] And I guess somehow or another, you're steering with your weight, correct?

[1746] Um, yeah, I think so.

[1747] I mean, you must be doing something.

[1748] Is that what it is?

[1749] Yeah, I think it's leading.

[1750] God damn.

[1751] There was a dude who was a fighter.

[1752] He fought, Todd Hayes, he fought in, uh, Valley Tuto in Japan and, uh, he was supposed to fight and Gracie, but he blew his shoulder out in the fight before that he won.

[1753] And, um, he, uh, quit fighting and to become a bobsled guy.

[1754] Really?

[1755] Yeah, that was his, Walker did bobsledging for a while?

[1756] Did he?

[1757] Yeah, totally makes sense.

[1758] Then they started, they started refaking it.

[1759] They were like, oh, we don't.

[1760] We don't need bobsleders.

[1761] We need fucking track people.

[1762] We need people that are fucking fast and strong to push the basis.

[1763] Prussia Walker made them win the goal.

[1764] Are you sure about that?

[1765] I think so.

[1766] I think he won something.

[1767] Probably not the goal.

[1768] That sounds ridiculous.

[1769] Walker is a bad motherfucker dude.

[1770] He made the Cowboys.

[1771] He's like 47 or 48 years old now and he's still fighting MMA.

[1772] And he fought on Strike Force twice and at least twice in one.

[1773] Dude, he's fucking shredded.

[1774] He's ridiculously shredded.

[1775] Really?

[1776] Oh my God.

[1777] He's 48 years old and he apparently has like, superhuman discipline.

[1778] Yeah, he was always, what he worked out, he never lifted weights.

[1779] He put, well, he says that, but then other dudes say that he has lifted weights.

[1780] I think he started after it.

[1781] Well, no, he also has a multiple personality disorder.

[1782] Oh, yeah.

[1783] So he could be saying that he's not lifting weights and he's telling the truth because he's not lifting weights.

[1784] But Clyde is.

[1785] And Clyde's the one that has the past to 24 -hour fitness.

[1786] But he, he's like, no, I haven't really liked that all day.

[1787] I think, I'm pretty sure, I don't want to talk out of school, but I'm pretty sure I read on his website that he has trauma -related multiple personality disorder.

[1788] From football.

[1789] And I read that and I was like, wow, well, why is this guy fighting in MMA then?

[1790] You know, that seems crazy that he would go from that to fighting in MMA.

[1791] But the fights that he's had, dude, he's just mauled people.

[1792] He's such a fucking super athlete.

[1793] If Herschel Walker was around, if M .M .A. was around when Herschel Walker was young.

[1794] Yeah.

[1795] If he had decided to do that, he's there's every now and then there's dudes that can just throw people around.

[1796] They just...

[1797] He was so dominant for a little while that the Vikings pretty much traded their whole team for him.

[1798] It was like everybody they had good and draft picks for the next five years.

[1799] Wow.

[1800] They're like we won them that bad.

[1801] Wow.

[1802] That's a super athlete, man. It made the Cowboys for so long.

[1803] Did you hear Mayweather wants to fight Pac -Man now?

[1804] Yeah, because he's going to jail.

[1805] Oh, is that why?

[1806] Yeah, the judge will let him postpone his jail time until June.

[1807] So if he can get Pachia out to fight him in May, he'll make a shitload of money and then go to jail for 90s.

[1808] days.

[1809] So since the judge has allowed him to postpone it, he's like, all right, fuck it, let's go.

[1810] Let's go after a fight.

[1811] So it's going to be a lame fight problem?

[1812] No, it will not be a lame fight.

[1813] Pacquo is a killer.

[1814] But I think that a lot of people feel that Pacquiao was exposed a little bit by Marquez.

[1815] The Juan Manuel Marquez fight, that they've had three fights now, and that Marquez felt like he won two of those.

[1816] And, you know, it was not nearly the dominant victory that Paci out hoped for.

[1817] So a lot of people, I think, are thinking that If Floyd Mayweather was scared of him before, now he's like relaxed.

[1818] Now he saw the way Marquez dealt him.

[1819] Yeah, because he boxed this shit out of Marquez.

[1820] When they fought, Floyd didn't even take any damage.

[1821] Floyd Mayweather is just technically and strategically on another level.

[1822] The thing about Pacquiao is, Pacquiao is a beast.

[1823] He's got crazy power in his hands, ridiculous speed, and he can catch anybody.

[1824] And if he tease off on Floyd and he gets a good rhythm and starts coming at him with those wild combinations, anything.

[1825] can happen.

[1826] But Floyd doesn't feel like he could do that.

[1827] Floyd thinks he can stop him now.

[1828] He's the money on.

[1829] I don't know.

[1830] If I had a gamble, I've got Paco.

[1831] It's hard to bet against Paco because Paco has been fighting, he's been fighting big guys too.

[1832] Like when he fought, you know, when he fought, what the fuck's his name, Margarito?

[1833] He beat the shit out of Margarito.

[1834] And Margarito was way bigger than him.

[1835] And Margarito's a dangerous guy.

[1836] And he fucked Margarito up.

[1837] You know, I mean, he broke his eye socket.

[1838] He broke his orbital.

[1839] He made him, they had, he has an artificial lens in his.

[1840] his eye now.

[1841] Margarito does because of that fight.

[1842] Yeah.

[1843] And Pachia was 15, 16 pounds lighter than him easily.

[1844] Maybe even more.

[1845] It might have been 18 pounds during fight time.

[1846] Because they weigh them on HBO, they weigh them the day of the fight too.

[1847] And they see how much a guy's rehydrated and they show you that statistic, which I think is brilliant.

[1848] The UFC should probably incorporate something like that too, but I don't think they want to admit how much, yeah, some guys are cutting, like guys like Anthony Johnson.

[1849] Yeah, they cut a shit time.

[1850] Anthony Johnson's fighting Vitor Belford this weekend in Brazil.

[1851] That's going to be fucking crazy And he's fighting at 185 for the first time too Which for Anthony is the right move You've never seen Anthony Johnson before He's another specimen Specimen Dude's a specimen And he's a big 170 Like the biggest possible And he would I would see him walking around Like in between fights And he was well over 200 pounds He was enormous He looked like a heavyweight You know And then he would drop He said at one point in time He cut 60 pounds To make 170 A long time I mean, I'm sure he did it over a long camp, but, you know, starved himself.

[1852] 60.

[1853] He was up to like 230.

[1854] It's a success story.

[1855] I know.

[1856] Exactly.

[1857] Meanwhile, with him was mostly muscle.

[1858] You know, he's mostly making his body eat itself, you know, dehydrating and eat itself.

[1859] I mean, he's losing a little bit of fat, but he's not a fat guy.

[1860] He doesn't get fat.

[1861] He's just an athlete.

[1862] It's fucking brutal, man. It's like, there's a point of diminishing returns.

[1863] And I think he had a way and hit that.

[1864] I can't do that because of brain damage.

[1865] That's when people are most susceptible to brain damage.

[1866] Then you won't cut.

[1867] He'll just fire you weight They would.

[1868] They would cut anyway Yeah, they cut anyway They always do They used to have weight They used to have it in boxing They used to have the day of But more people die of brain injuries Because of dehydration What I don't have it after the fight I don't think in the old days the box Yeah it doesn't matter It's ridiculous You lose a lot of weight during a fight I don't think a lot of people Were hip to IVs back in the day either So when they would lose weight When they would lose weight No no IVs to replenish To put your liquids back in That's the best way to do it.

[1869] All those guys look so weak when they're at the weigh -ins.

[1870] They look like death.

[1871] I've seen guys look terrified.

[1872] Stink.

[1873] Yeah.

[1874] Oh, yeah.

[1875] Breaths horrible.

[1876] Ugh.

[1877] Yeah.

[1878] Well, stomach acid coming out.

[1879] I mean, they don't eat for, you know, they don't eat for a long time before they get up there.

[1880] A lot of the guys, except the heavy weights.

[1881] They don't care.

[1882] I love them.

[1883] They weigh into their jeans.

[1884] Fuck it.

[1885] It's about the same.

[1886] But there's a few guys that have had a cut weight at heavy weight.

[1887] Tim Sylvia had a cut weight once.

[1888] He weighed in over.

[1889] I remember that.

[1890] He was over 265.

[1891] Brock's always made the weight.

[1892] He cuts to that, right?

[1893] Yeah, he cuts to that, yeah.

[1894] Yeah, if he wanted to, he could get to about 300 pounds, if he wanted to, I'm sure.

[1895] If he started packing on the creatine, doing power lifting and shit like that and just eating all day.

[1896] But I don't think he can eat all day now because of that the stomach thing.

[1897] I think his diet has got to be very different.

[1898] Time catches everyone.

[1899] That's not just time, dude.

[1900] He had diverticulitis.

[1901] You could die from that shit, man. People die.

[1902] That's amazing.

[1903] I nobody even heard of that before he got it.

[1904] I never heard of it.

[1905] They should rename it, fucking Brock Lesnar's disease.

[1906] The same way they do with Lou Gehrig.

[1907] Out of all the times that you and I have been to Fogo de Chow, all of those Brazilian steakhouses.

[1908] Yeah.

[1909] Who would I ever thought that someone could die from eating too much meat?

[1910] That's, would you have ever thought of that?

[1911] We've been going to those places for a decade.

[1912] Are you going to go to the one in Brazil?

[1913] Fuck, yeah.

[1914] Of course, you know, the ones in Brazil are even better because they serve like chicken hearts and stuff that people in America are kind of scared of.

[1915] That shit's delicious, dude.

[1916] When we went to one in Sao Paulo, it was one of the best ones I've ever been to ever.

[1917] And they just kept giving.

[1918] us these chicken hearts i was like dude keep coming with them chicken hearts oh it's like salted they they know how to cook dude this is a wild culture man it's a beautiful culture the culture of brazil is so fun you know meat and fighting and the girls are beautiful and they're living on the beach i mean it's like and everybody's doing present playing jihitsu i mean it's like wow what a what a crazy culture man and soccer and everything you know and their their economy has changed in a in a big way over the last few years.

[1919] Apparently they found oil off the shore and their economy's booming.

[1920] You know they're one of the leaders, like the leaders of the world in AIDS research and education?

[1921] Really?

[1922] Yeah.

[1923] It's a lot of places in Rio also, I've heard, where people go to get good but cheap plastic surgery.

[1924] I can see that.

[1925] Yeah, like girls in Hollywood that can't afford going to doctors here.

[1926] You can fly to Brazil and get your shit done there.

[1927] Because there's jobs all the time and stuff.

[1928] I guess.

[1929] Yeah.

[1930] And then, you know, then you just chill out in Rio chill out on the beach while your tits heal and get on a plane head home holla I went on vacation, came back with tits boobie I'm excited yeah it should be fun another culture yeah just don't go to the favelas looking for heroin keep it together and don't get bit by a Brazilian wandering spider there's a Brazilian wandering spider that kills you and one of the things that happens is the people that survive first of all you will have a 24 hour raging death hard on.

[1931] Really?

[1932] Yes.

[1933] The way it affects your body, it apparently blasts your levels of nitric oxide, which is the same thing.

[1934] That's the same effect that Viagra has.

[1935] And what this stuff does is just makes your dick hard as fucking cold steel to the point where it's painful.

[1936] Where your dick is dying.

[1937] It's expanded so hard that it's tearing.

[1938] Literally, the cells are ripping apart from each other.

[1939] It's getting so big.

[1940] and so hard that the cells are separating from each other.

[1941] Tearing and agony and screaming pain.

[1942] And this is happening to all your muscles, not just your crock, but every muscle in your body is just in mad agony.

[1943] And if you survive, and most people don't, but if you survive, you'll be fucked.

[1944] You'll be dead.

[1945] You might as well be dead.

[1946] You're your dick won't work anymore.

[1947] It's done forever.

[1948] Your body's going to be a wreck.

[1949] You're going to be physically a wreck.

[1950] All your muscles are going to be fucked.

[1951] So wait, once you get bit, what happens to you, can you go to the doctor immediately?

[1952] No. You're fucked.

[1953] You're fucked.

[1954] It's almost immediately.

[1955] Almost immediately you're fucked.

[1956] I don't know if they have...

[1957] And what would you say percentage -wise, are you worried about the spider?

[1958] Me?

[1959] I'm not going to the jungle.

[1960] Oh, it's in the jungle.

[1961] I'm 100 % not worried.

[1962] I hope it's only in the jungle.

[1963] Shit, I'm pretty sure it's only in the jungle.

[1964] Yeah.

[1965] But if I want to put myself in a fucking boy in the plastic bubble suit.

[1966] I'm going to dress up like Aquaman.

[1967] I don't know.

[1968] I'm not really worried about it.

[1969] Our hotels are normal out there?

[1970] Sure.

[1971] Yeah.

[1972] Beautiful hotels.

[1973] much everywhere where they ever have a tourist from other places like the nice hotels are nice everywhere yeah any city in the world you know that's a real city they're gonna have some nice places to stay even in you know i mean i've seen like Kuwait Kuwait has beautiful beautiful hotels and you know right it's kind of crazy would think someone just went to war with iraq just a few years ago it'd probably be a mess right now right no not really go there it's beautiful i had a crazy dream i was i quit pot and my dreams went nuts you tell me tell us about that because how long did you quit it for 13 days wow But I'm in every day, multiple times a day smoker.

[1974] I heard that you get dreams and nightmares after three days.

[1975] Nightmares.

[1976] Yeah.

[1977] So I was trying to put three days in.

[1978] Try to get the dreams and nightmares.

[1979] I get to see what would happen if you quit.

[1980] But it took me two years.

[1981] We need to give you some alpha brain.

[1982] I bet alpha brain would give you some ridiculous.

[1983] Yeah, a lot of sort of people kept saying like, oh, it must be the alpha brain or whatever it was.

[1984] It gives you really vivid dreams.

[1985] It's the combination of all the neutropics and the B6.

[1986] Because B6 on its own, apparently can do that.

[1987] A lot of the neutropics on their own can give you some weird dream effects.

[1988] But apparently all them together with the B6 really kicks.

[1989] It's fascinating.

[1990] That's why I did mushrooms.

[1991] Every night.

[1992] Yeah.

[1993] And we could create like plot -driven dreams, like long and super clear.

[1994] Like I remember them for way longer.

[1995] Whoa.

[1996] And one of them was I was dropped in the jungle in Brazil, and there was all these like dangerous predators.

[1997] But there's also tons of mushroom spores.

[1998] So we would like trip out.

[1999] Dude, I think it's good to stop smoking pot for a little bit.

[2000] I think it's good to stop doing everything.

[2001] I take meat breaks.

[2002] I take meat breaks where I only like vegetables for like a couple of days.

[2003] Just for the fuck of it.

[2004] I just do it if I feel like doing it.

[2005] Like sometimes like there's a good vegan restaurant near here.

[2006] And every now and then I'll just have this like real hankering for some like real vegetable heavy food.

[2007] Sounds good.

[2008] What are you saying?

[2009] Kenwa.

[2010] Kenwa.

[2011] What is that?

[2012] Vegan food.

[2013] Kenwa.

[2014] Kenwa.

[2015] Kenwa.

[2016] That's that, that, um, that's that, um, that grain that, that, that head.

[2017] heavy protein grain.

[2018] I got the Whole Foods salad bar.

[2019] I got a bunch of different types of canoes.

[2020] Yeah.

[2021] It's the only plant, apparently, that has all the amino acids that meat has.

[2022] Yeah.

[2023] That, I think soy also.

[2024] I don't think so.

[2025] I don't think soy has everything.

[2026] Really?

[2027] Yeah, and soy makes you grow tits.

[2028] Yeah, fuck soy.

[2029] Soi made Brian cry.

[2030] Yeah, I like almond.

[2031] Almond milk is great for you.

[2032] I love that.

[2033] I drink that shit every day.

[2034] That's pretty much substituted most of my dairy, unless I'm having cookies.

[2035] It's just a protein.

[2036] It's really easy to make by yourself.

[2037] Almond milk.

[2038] You can eat because you have the Vitamix.

[2039] It's really cool for that.

[2040] Really?

[2041] Yeah, just mix it with water.

[2042] But there's a lot of good recipes online to make, like...

[2043] Do you make it?

[2044] Have you made one?

[2045] I tried it once and it works, so...

[2046] Do you have to soak the almonds first?

[2047] Is that how you do it?

[2048] Yeah, soak it overnight for 24 hours and then mix it up and there's something else I did to it.

[2049] You're just buying almond milk.

[2050] Yeah, why don't I do that?

[2051] Yeah.

[2052] So I could just go to this time, but I just have it done for you.

[2053] Well, I'm the saying if you're crazy.

[2054] butter.

[2055] We're really crazy.

[2056] It's like going old school.

[2057] Make your own butter.

[2058] Have you ever tried to make your own butter?

[2059] No. I made my own whipped cream.

[2060] I did make my own pickles.

[2061] You did?

[2062] So why is it preposterous to make your own butter?

[2063] You can't get that kind of recipe.

[2064] Oh, the pickle recipe?

[2065] There was a place when we were filming Zookeeper in Boston.

[2066] I wish I remembered their name because I would give them a shout out.

[2067] There was a fucking cart that they had where it was all pickles and different flavored pickles.

[2068] And some of them were really spicy and some of them were really crisp and green.

[2069] And some of them.

[2070] or like the more sour, like darker or lighter colored green ones.

[2071] And they just had every kind of pickle and they were fucking deadly.

[2072] And I was like, Jesus Christ, you guys ship these pickles?

[2073] I'm like, I got to get these fucking pickles.

[2074] They were amazing.

[2075] I'll bring you some of my father made.

[2076] Oh, yeah?

[2077] I'll bring you some to the airport.

[2078] You know, the best is a bloody married with pickled asparagus and green beans in it.

[2079] Pickled asparagus.

[2080] What do they pickle it with?

[2081] Same thing?

[2082] Same thing, Once you already made the brine, you can use that stuff.

[2083] Oh, so you just stick something else in there, huh?

[2084] Carriage.

[2085] and like green cucumbers.

[2086] Pickled cucumbers are good.

[2087] Do you ever have that?

[2088] Green cucumbers?

[2089] Green cucumbers?

[2090] Those pickled green cucumbers?

[2091] Oh, not cucumbers.

[2092] Tomatoes, rather.

[2093] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2094] Those are delicious.

[2095] They hold it really well.

[2096] Yeah, right?

[2097] They're crisp.

[2098] Snap.

[2099] You're sharp so you can, like, cut them with a knife.

[2100] Yeah, juice figured out a lot of cool shit.

[2101] Juice figured out pastrami.

[2102] You got to take off your fucking hat to pastrami, man. Pastrami, we did that well.

[2103] Pastrami's, like, one of the best for sandwiches.

[2104] Can you get a more delicious meat for sandwiches?

[2105] It's fatty, and they slice it.

[2106] it real thin and then with Rubens when they put the fucking sourcrout on that bitch and then the dressing you guys want to go to Jerry's deli and eat right now that was the hardest thing yeah it's good high though there's the hardest thing when I took my potpacation there was one time I got greenblats and we home I got that pastrami half pastrami half chopped liver and I was like I should be smoking a joint right now yeah this is how this should go that would definitely enhance the food people don't realize how much it does enhance how far is Jerry's deli not far at all real close let's do that let's do that shit um was I going to say oh Cantors is the best If you want to really get down and dirty with your pastrami, that's the best pastrami in L .A. Canters is, that's the oldest school, old school place in L .A. How long has that deli been there?

[2107] Canters?

[2108] A long time.

[2109] That's exactly the same.

[2110] Yeah, if you go into that place, that's exactly the same as it was in like the 1970s.

[2111] All those old pictures from there.

[2112] Yeah.

[2113] It's way old than that.

[2114] Yeah, way old than that.

[2115] But I'm saying, I don't think they've done any renovations since the 70s.

[2116] Or maybe it might even be the 50s.

[2117] Who the fuck knows?

[2118] So if you're a plate of pickles when you sit down.

[2119] The place is awesome.

[2120] And the food is super legit, especially at Bistrami.

[2121] And the white fish, the smoked white fish.

[2122] God damn, I'm getting hungry, bitches.

[2123] So to wrap things up.

[2124] Can I say this before we go?

[2125] If you tell people.

[2126] You could say whatever you want.

[2127] I got Minneapolis, the 25th, the 29th.

[2128] That's what I was going to say.

[2129] Oh, okay.

[2130] Have another whiskey.

[2131] Throw the battleship around.

[2132] Yeah.

[2133] And then I think me and Krecher are going to do a show with Russell in Toronto.

[2134] Oh, really?

[2135] I think, yeah, they're working out, but they have like a festival there.

[2136] Oh.

[2137] Russell's a giant.

[2138] February.

[2139] He's fucking huge right there, dude.

[2140] Russell fucking dominates up there.

[2141] What a nice guy Russell Peters is.

[2142] If you don't, you know, if you don't know Russell Peters, what a fucking great guy he is.

[2143] He's so friendly, you know?

[2144] He's like such an easy, down -to -earth guy.

[2145] Yeah.

[2146] No, like, airs about him.

[2147] No bullshit.

[2148] Yeah, I always forget that he's like...

[2149] Huge superstar.

[2150] Yeah, I always forget that.

[2151] We were talking with him and for him.

[2152] We're talking at the improv.

[2153] He's like, honestly, I'm going to go on.

[2154] And it's like, we can't just go.

[2155] Oh, yeah.

[2156] Oh, yeah, you can't just go on.

[2157] I forgot who you are.

[2158] Just a regular dude.

[2159] Yeah.

[2160] Well, what's really crazy is how he's huge in other countries.

[2161] In the UK, he sold out the O2 arena like two nights in a row.

[2162] In Canada, he's not big.

[2163] Two nights in a row.

[2164] Jesus.

[2165] That's insane.

[2166] The O2 arena is where we do the UFC.

[2167] It's huge.

[2168] I don't know how many of it is.

[2169] It's more than 15 ,000.

[2170] I don't know.

[2171] It's more than 15 ,000, though.

[2172] Jesus.

[2173] It's fucking gigantic, man. I can't even imagine.

[2174] I'm doing the Chicago Theater.

[2175] or it's like 3 ,000.

[2176] Really?

[2177] Yeah, that's pretty big.

[2178] I did 3 ,000 over the summer.

[2179] That's pretty nuts.

[2180] Yeah, it's just so many people.

[2181] It's a lot of people laughing.

[2182] When the laughs come in, it's a boom.

[2183] It's like, wow.

[2184] It's not, it's a weird thing, man. Whenever you go over 500, like the laughs are bigger, but the connection is different.

[2185] It's like, it's hard to like keep that real intimate connection with 3 ,000 people.

[2186] I have to tell myself.

[2187] This last time I was able to get a little better because I was like slow between jokes.

[2188] Paul is a lot longer.

[2189] But usually it's like it takes me 10 minutes to like, Remember that?

[2190] Do you feel like it goes smoother when you pause longer?

[2191] Like, what is it?

[2192] It allows them time to take it in.

[2193] You need more time because there's more people, really?

[2194] Yeah, it's bigger.

[2195] Like, when you're bouncing off the wall, like the belly room, the laughs, it's like 80 people, in those small, small rooms of that place in Boston, that upstairs on that Chinese place, it was like they all hear each other and react immediately.

[2196] Well, also, I think that the room's acoustics are different.

[2197] Maybe.

[2198] The way you process sound is different when there's so much loudness around you with laughter and then this is projected from speakers at a far away.

[2199] I mean, it's a tricky thing, right?

[2200] And you can't really see the guy really well, so you can't get the facial expressions and so the little non -written cues so like it's time to laugh.

[2201] Yeah, that's when comedy gets weird when you have like giant screens where your faces on these giant screens.

[2202] Man, you'd have to.

[2203] You can't, otherwise no one could see you if you do something that big.

[2204] Well, Dane would do those big places like that, but he would do them in the round.

[2205] He would do them in the round.

[2206] So they'd have to have somebody on the screen.

[2207] They'd have to.

[2208] Yeah, you have to.

[2209] Because otherwise you're looking at his ass, you know, which some girls would love I don't get me started.

[2210] He hasn't done comedy in like a year.

[2211] Yeah, it's very weird.

[2212] I see him at a...

[2213] He said he was going to do an ice house Quarantle's soon.

[2214] Yeah?

[2215] Come to do the show.

[2216] Maybe, maybe he will.

[2217] Maybe he'll just do the podcast part though.

[2218] I don't know.

[2219] He hasn't done comedy.

[2220] I don't know.

[2221] Some people should just fucking get tired of him.

[2222] I asked him a storyteller show and he's like, keep asking me, but no, I'm not back yet.

[2223] That's funny.

[2224] Yeah.

[2225] He's going to take more than a year off.

[2226] I wonder what he's doing You know what some people Just not happy with what they're doing This is what I heard That it was like Slaying pussy I sold out like 15 ,000 cedars whatever It's like Like that's the top of what you're supposed to do And I was like Where am I supposed to go Just keep doing that There's nowhere else to go Or you know Stride for Maybe that could be it Or he's just acting Like we all strive To get bigger followings And it's like I got I've got the biggest follow I can get Well his following Definitely dropped off though I know I talked to people That where he was at where he had been there a couple years before and sold 15 ,000 seats and then he came back and sold like seven.

[2227] It wasn't, I mean, it's still huge, but it wasn't what it was at the peak of his popularity.

[2228] I think it's also a lot of negativity.

[2229] He dealt with a lot of people not just warranted, but even unwarranted negativity.

[2230] There was a lot of people that hated that guy.

[2231] Yeah.

[2232] You know, there was warranted stuff, like the plagiarism stuff that was, you know, it was kind of questionable.

[2233] I shouldn't say questionable, but it was he stopped Yeah he probably just stopped He stopped doing that for sure But it was also I mean the way it all went down It was you know It was very unfortunate for him It looked horrible Yeah You know when people were playing the Louis CK bits Next to his bits It just became Did you ever watch him on Louis show?

[2234] Yes That's the scene Yeah I didn't I thought that was weird You know I think I like the way Louis Like kind of like let him win Because that's that's in line With how Louis would deal with the situation.

[2235] It made sense to me. Like, oh, of course, this is how Louis did it.

[2236] You know, Louis's a nice guy, you know, and he sort of felt bad that everybody was going after Dane, but, you know, it was what it was, you know.

[2237] It's weird.

[2238] It's just hard for a guy to recover from something like that.

[2239] You know, when you get a label put on you and you get a lot of people that just decide to hate you, you know, I'm in Zach Galkafanakus.

[2240] Galaphanacus?

[2241] He had a, he had a, remember he used to do it?

[2242] People don't hate him.

[2243] Remember he used to do a bit what he would have pulled out posters at the end and he write things on them.

[2244] And one of them was killed Dane Cook.

[2245] Uh -huh.

[2246] Got a huge laugh.

[2247] Yeah.

[2248] You know, it's like...

[2249] It was like a...

[2250] It's all sort of a grue we can make this joke.

[2251] Yeah.

[2252] It was all...

[2253] He became that guy.

[2254] Like, even though a lot of people loved them, he became the guy that a lot of people fucking hated.

[2255] Yeah, and you were in the clear to be able to say whatever you wanted.

[2256] And if you're not doing stand -up, you're really not in that world anymore.

[2257] You're not attached to those people anymore.

[2258] You're not, you know, like, whatever.

[2259] now you don't now you have no effect on me you know now you have no effect on me i'm not doing stand -up right now you have no effect on me yeah i mean you if you're tired of people just the snarky critic who uh is you know just on instinct and you know on um just uh by default they're cunty you know there's a lot of people like that but by default looking for something shitty to say and when you got a target like kim karnashian or dain cook when he was you know when people were shitting on him or anybody who's in the news that you is like you is like a free shot.

[2260] Yeah, then what?

[2261] You know, you automatically go after them.

[2262] Yeah, there's going to be a lot of people that go after.

[2263] Tom Arnold's and the whatever.

[2264] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2265] It's going to be, yeah, Justin Bieber.

[2266] So he's going to be someone.

[2267] So not going to comedy would help that?

[2268] Yeah, because you're not connected to them anymore.

[2269] You're not doing anything.

[2270] I mean, he's got enough money.

[2271] I'm sure that he could just kick back and relax for a few years.

[2272] I mean, he doesn't seem like a nutty spender.

[2273] So if he can just kick back and relax for a few years.

[2274] And maybe while he's doing that, he's writing some stuff that he really likes.

[2275] Well, he filmed three movies last years.

[2276] That could also be why he took a year off.

[2277] Yeah, that could be too.

[2278] I know, like, Beck did an album, a really great album called Sea Change.

[2279] It was all about his relationship with Winona writer.

[2280] Whoa.

[2281] Yeah.

[2282] And he said, though, he was like, I couldn't write it for like two years after we broke up for like a couple years.

[2283] And then I was able to like process my feelings about it and then write this amazing, you know, work.

[2284] Hmm.

[2285] How's Winona feel about it?

[2286] I don't know.

[2287] They tried to reach her, but she was too busy stealing shit.

[2288] It's a really great album.

[2289] It's a good breakup album.

[2290] He's a Scientologist, isn't he?

[2291] Beck, yeah.

[2292] I went to a Scientology show of his ones.

[2293] Really?

[2294] What was that?

[2295] It was a knitting factory, but it was the greatest fundraiser for Scientology, and my Scientologist's friend got me in.

[2296] Wow, you have a Scientologist's friend?

[2297] Bobby used to have a girlfriend with a Scientologist.

[2298] Okay, so you're sitting there with all Scientologists and you?

[2299] And Bobby.

[2300] Wow.

[2301] He must have been there, too, unless he wasn't available that day.

[2302] And so Beck is doing a show and going like, fucking Scientology rules.

[2303] No, he didn't really talk about it.

[2304] And everybody goes, yes, when you see a car accident, you know that you have to pull over because you're a Scientologist, and you're the only one that's going to know what to do.

[2305] one that can help.

[2306] I just think it'd be too bad if you, like, Dan Cook is the way he talks about comedy and the way he, like, he's been 20 years in the game, like to lose a, like a professional.

[2307] Man, it's too bad.

[2308] Well, who knows if he's losing it?

[2309] Maybe he's just taking a year off, you know, maybe he's just...

[2310] No, seriously, he filmed free movies.

[2311] He was on a TV show.

[2312] I know, but he was filming movies before and he never took time off.

[2313] Yeah, nobody, there's a big difference between doing all these movies and, yeah, and taking time off a stand -up.

[2314] Not coming up with a new album, not doing any stand -up.

[2315] up in LA yeah guys take two weeks off and it's a big deal you know two weeks is kind of shaky you come back you're a little you know you gotta do like one set a week I had to call it well I got I got Tuesday Wednesday this week at the store but I'm gonna be gone in Brazil for the rest right and he only got that's what I called in for I only got one spot I was like no I'm not gonna be get on again until Tuesday yeah I had to call like who's on the cover booth tonight you got let me slide in oh look at you use you once in a while but now once in a while only when you need to though I'm saying there's no way you go off like a year with nothing Who's making that fucking list at the comedy store?

[2316] It's fine not to give me one day out of the week.

[2317] Silly fucks.

[2318] I'm writing a new hour this year.

[2319] Are you?

[2320] Yeah.

[2321] Are you throwing your old one out?

[2322] What are you doing?

[2323] Done.

[2324] Chuck in it, done.

[2325] Did you make a DVD?

[2326] Made a CD.

[2327] You got to make a DVD, son.

[2328] Can't throw your material out without a fucking visual representation of it.

[2329] Yeah.

[2330] That's outrageous.

[2331] A lot of your shit is visual.

[2332] Get some of the...

[2333] Hire someone to film you, cheap prick.

[2334] Make a special on my own.

[2335] Yeah, just put it online.

[2336] Release it to people.

[2337] Yeah.

[2338] Give it to the world, Ari.

[2339] Make a video.

[2340] Make a video?

[2341] You need a video, dude.

[2342] You can't just have an audio.

[2343] My first CD, I was upset that some of my shit wasn't visual.

[2344] So we made videos of it and released them.

[2345] Just put it online after the fact.

[2346] Yeah.

[2347] Yeah, there's a lot of shit.

[2348] Like the old lady vagina bit, that's a, there's a lot of visual in that.

[2349] Boom.

[2350] You know?

[2351] I don't remember that at the bottom.

[2352] Boom.

[2353] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[2354] Yeah.

[2355] That's visual.

[2356] You need that part.

[2357] that's a big part of why it's funny what you're gonna have what happens to a woman's vagina oh yeah yeah yeah don't say any more otherwise you kill you oh yeah that would be a little visual very visual yeah the fuck are you so people want to see you where can they see you this upcoming Minneapolis show where's it out again it's houseofcomedy dot net house of comedy dot net and you'll be in Chicago the same time yes I will be in Chicago the 27th is it that weekend 25th of the 29th yeah I'm gonna be in there's still some tickets available but they're going fast bitches Joey Diaz and Duncan Trusso we're going to be at the Chicago Theater on January 27th and if you see Joey on stage Joey will probably be not walking so good because he's just going to have surgery 10 days before that maybe get him one of those little scooters or those little zippos zippies or whatever should get him a scooter but if anybody wants to get him some flowers and say get well get him some cards say get well flowers give me the kid I get out of here with his fucking cards and flowers just give him a lot of emmolips Oops.

[2358] Yeah, give me an envelope with cash in it or nothing.

[2359] He has envelopes.

[2360] So, yeah, so Joey will be there supposedly.

[2361] I hope he's going to be able to make it, but he's getting surgery 10 days before.

[2362] Yeah, pretty tight.

[2363] Yeah, tight scheduling.

[2364] Duncan's going to be there for sure.

[2365] I'll be there.

[2366] And then there's the UFC on Foxes the next day.

[2367] You can see that.

[2368] Or if you're closer to my man, Ari Shafir, you go to Minneapolis and go to the Houseofcomedy .comity .comnet.

[2369] And Ari will be that weekend.

[2370] How many days are you there?

[2371] five days five days damn that's nice that's time for a relationship yeah you could meet a new girl and fall in love and then grow to hit each other by the time of the 27th rolls around work the whole like nexus of it exactly boom thank you to the fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast if you go to joe rogan dot net and click on the link for the fleshlight entering the code name rogan you will get 15 % off the number one sex to learn from man oh shit thanks to on it dot com o n -n -it makers of alpha brain, the cognitive enhancing supplement, new mood, shroom tech sport and shroom tech immune.

[2372] Go to the link on Joe Rogan .com.

[2373] Click on it for the link for AlphaBrain, enter in the codename Rogan, and you can get 10 % off.

[2374] All right.

[2375] Thanks everybody.

[2376] Next week, we have Hamilton Morris from Vice .com.

[2377] We're going to be going on an isolation tank tour.

[2378] We're going to go to Venice.

[2379] Yeah, and he's going to come on the podcast as well.

[2380] And I got Steve Ronella from What's that show called The Wild Within, which was a really cool show that got canceled.

[2381] Now I think he's got a new show called Meat Eater.

[2382] So he's going to be on the podcast on Monday.

[2383] That's cool.

[2384] All right, you dirty freaks.

[2385] Oh, well for me. Yeah, Brian's got some fucking silly internet contest.

[2386] He wants everybody to vote for and for him for.

[2387] He only has like 300 votes to win.

[2388] Just go to Death Squad .tv and at the top is his vote for me. Just click on that.

[2389] That'd be awesome.

[2390] And I'll be at waterbeds and stuff Thursday.

[2391] Waterbeds and stuff?

[2392] You're doing shows at Waterbed factories?

[2393] No, I'm just going to...

[2394] What is Waterbed and stuff?

[2395] It's the only place to buy a bull in Columbus, Ohio.

[2396] Oh.

[2397] To buy a bowl?

[2398] Yeah, they sell waterbeds and pipes.

[2399] What?

[2400] And that's where you're going to be?

[2401] Yeah.

[2402] They all listen to this podcast.

[2403] You're doing a show there?

[2404] No, I'm not going to do a show there.

[2405] You should do a show there.

[2406] Why are you there?

[2407] Nah, I'm just going to buy a bull.

[2408] Don't be scared, homie.

[2409] Don't be scared, homie.

[2410] Thanks, everybody.

[2411] Oh, one more thing.

[2412] I interviewed a hooker on my podcast this week.

[2413] Damn.

[2414] It's really good.

[2415] Yeah.

[2416] A class prostitute.

[2417] Really?

[2418] Yeah.

[2419] Ooh.

[2420] How do people get that?

[2421] I guess iTunes or my website are already thegrade .com.

[2422] Is it good?

[2423] Good conversation?

[2424] Long and good.

[2425] Really?

[2426] She just told me everything.

[2427] Oh my God.

[2428] Ooh, I'm going to listen to that.

[2429] It was really fun.

[2430] I'm listening on the flight to Brazil.

[2431] This is the five other things.

[2432] It's a long flight.

[2433] Yeah.

[2434] All right.

[2435] You fucking freaks.

[2436] Very nice.

[2437] We love you guys.

[2438] We love everybody.

[2439] We see you next week.

[2440] Thanks for everybody.

[2441] Thanks for everybody.

[2442] Thanks for everything.

[2443] Thanks to everybody.

[2444] For everything.

[2445] I've been talking too much today.

[2446] My mouth doesn't want to work anymore.

[2447] Jihad.