#19 - Brian Redban

[0] Bam!

[1] Bam!

[2] All right, we're live, ladies and gentlemen, with a whole new setup.

[3] Yeah, yeah, we're late.

[4] Listen, man, I'm very irresponsible.

[5] You know what's going to be really cool is when we get something right back here.

[6] That's the next step.

[7] We're trying to figure out what to put right back there.

[8] Most likely it's going to be a green screen, because I'm looking at this right now.

[9] I'm like, how dope would it be if we were in fucking space right now?

[10] Yeah.

[11] We could have like Captain Kurt, like shit behind us, like late also.

[12] But we have a real desk.

[13] we have real microphones now so the iPhone version and iPad and whatever the fuck you use MP3 is going to be much better much clearer and we're fucking fired up we are not sponsored by Starbucks this is just coincidence that we have to happen to have that but we have had an offer for our very first sponsor and it is the fleshlight awesome I got something funny to tell you Joe by the way hold on a second we've got to tell people so the fleshlight is, if you don't know what it is, if you're not an online type person, it's a very famous device that you can fuck.

[14] And one of the reasons why it's famous is because it's supposed to feel really good.

[15] It's supposed to feel like way better than your hand.

[16] And the other reason is that there was that thing that was online, like I accidentally, the whole flashlight.

[17] What was that?

[18] It's a guy pranking, I think it was a customer service rep that, saying only, is something like he is a flashlight or something like it was really bad I accidentally the whole fleshlights yeah it was like L -O -L -Cat yeah well this guy I never watched that or heard that thing or remember it but I do remember that that flashlight thing got stuck in my head yeah because of that yeah everybody kept saying it and it just it's it's like one of those things where like you know you hear about it so often on the internet just because of that so when they contacted me I was like wow that's kind of cool and then when he told me that he spot sponsored Kevin Smith's podcast.

[19] I'm like, wow, that's super cool.

[20] Like, he's going to do our podcast and Kevin Smith's podcast.

[21] That sounds fucking badass.

[22] And then we met the dude, and Chris was a super cool guy and, you know, just a real chill dude that you could hang with, like a normal guy.

[23] And he was really kind of a spiritual guy, too, which is kind of interesting because we were talking about the porn side and how, you know, porn is kind of gross.

[24] You know, there's a lot of porn now that you don't really necessarily want to be associated with.

[25] He was either really good at his job researching you.

[26] because he seemed like your long -lossed brother because he was like pulling out documentaries you didn't even know about.

[27] Yeah, books that I didn't know about well.

[28] It was the weird, like you guys would be a good.

[29] If you guys were gay, you'd be perfect.

[30] Perfect lovers.

[31] Perfect lovers, yeah.

[32] Yeah, he was a real bright guy, man. We talked about Miyamoto Musashi.

[33] We talked about different schools of philosophy, different books that he's read.

[34] Yes.

[35] Different volcanoes.

[36] He knew about some super volcanoes exploding in the past that I didn't even know about.

[37] We got to get him on the show for sure.

[38] Yes, definitely.

[39] Unfortunately, he lives in Austin.

[40] But the next time we're in Austin, what deals will bring our equipment and everything and set up in Austin.

[41] Or we can move there.

[42] I fucked up.

[43] I fucked up moving to Colorado for a bunch of reasons.

[44] One, because Mrs. Rogan can't fucking drive in the snow, which is just a, it's not good.

[45] And if you know Mrs. Rogan, that's not something that I'm going to be comfortable with her learning really quickly.

[46] It just, that doesn't seem like a good move.

[47] Just fucking moving where it freezes.

[48] and shit gets dangerous and sliding in the trees and shit.

[49] And then when the dog got eaten by the mountain lion, that killed it.

[50] Otherwise, Austin would have been great.

[51] And if, anyway, the point is, if Austin was great, we would definitely hang around with Chris.

[52] What's funny is he gave us a sample so we can feel and touch it of the fleshlight.

[53] And the fleshlight uses patent and rubber technology.

[54] They have a patent on this shit.

[55] Yeah, it's a very specific type of insert.

[56] The mushy, squishy stuff is their own proprietary blend.

[57] And it's like, you think in your head, like, oh, I'm sure it feels like rubber and oil.

[58] Like, it's not going to, it's just going to feel like really soft rubber.

[59] This actually is kind of creepy to feel how it feels.

[60] Anyway, so he gave us a sample.

[61] What he did is he took a couple of fleshlights and he cut it in half just so we can feel the actual rubber part.

[62] And then at the end of our dimmer.

[63] It doesn't really feel like pussy, though.

[64] It feels soft.

[65] Yeah.

[66] It feels really good.

[67] It feels soft.

[68] Well, that's not even loosed up, though.

[69] No, it's not even looted up.

[70] So he gave us these samples.

[71] But it's too mushy.

[72] It's like a pushy that's sick.

[73] Well, because it's usually in a can.

[74] it's usually it's got some bone behind you want like but wouldn't would that make it more compact yeah yeah because you have like a wall right now we're gonna find out we actually have a box of them yeah so anyways he gave us these samples just to feel them and we left them on the table and I'm like you're not going to take that he's like oh you know it's just trash just so you can like you know what I'm gonna take it so I took the samples and I had it there in a bag and the other day I decided when no one was around that I would try to fuck one of the samples but it was only half of it.

[75] So I had to use both of them, one for the bottom and one for the top.

[76] And so I was doing the left hand in the right hand.

[77] Like left hand was the left sample the right was the right sample.

[78] I'm like, wait a second.

[79] Fleshlight Company, you need something like that.

[80] Because I had like two different hand jobs going on.

[81] I had one with the different texture on the top.

[82] You're going to be jerking yourself off with two hands?

[83] Yeah, like you're milking a cow.

[84] Well, how are you working the balls?

[85] I put the bottom one.

[86] I put the balls in the bottom one and I wrapped it around the bottom one.

[87] You wrapped your balls around the bottom one.

[88] How I'm fucking small your balls.

[89] Oh, they're very, very small.

[90] But I was doing both of them.

[91] I eat a lot of enumami, remember?

[92] Adamami will shrink your balls and make you cry.

[93] But anyways, it felt really real.

[94] I only had hot watered.

[95] For lube?

[96] Yeah, for lube, but it felt really good.

[97] One is it like shampoo or something.

[98] Because it's supposed to be a water -based oil.

[99] So it felt good for even just being samples outside of its cocoon and everything.

[100] It wasn't even in the can or anything.

[101] So I can't wait to fuck one of these things.

[102] Is this one of them right now?

[103] Yeah, these are the ones right now.

[104] But this is not without some controversy.

[105] I don't, this is actually going to be really loud for this people to be listening to an iPod.

[106] I'll try to as softly as possible.

[107] And we'll only do it once so it's not annoying.

[108] All right.

[109] This is, apparently, this is the fleshlight.

[110] Wow, and it comes in a nice packaging.

[111] Are you going to do it unboxing video for us, Joe?

[112] Yes, we'll do an unboxing of the fleshlight.

[113] Let's see what we got here.

[114] Now, this is not without some controversy, and this is where it gets strange.

[115] my manager is very very upset with me and does not think that the fleshlight is a good thing to have for a sponsor and I was surprised with that he was very surprised yeah because they were like really adamant about it they were like you could be up for some sort of a show CBS and they find out that you have the flesh light on your podcast you're sponsored by a thing Not just that you have an opinion about a thing.

[116] They were saying that the big deal is that you are sponsored by this thing.

[117] And because you're sponsored by this thing, somehow or another that makes you like, what does that make you?

[118] A bad person?

[119] Yes, because you don't masturbate with your hand.

[120] Yeah, you're a bad person because you prefer to masturbate with the rubber vagina.

[121] Right.

[122] Like, really?

[123] That's like old school.

[124] It's crazy talk.

[125] Right.

[126] Like, it's crazy the idea that you don't masturbate.

[127] If you don't masturbate, what's wrong with you?

[128] It's a great, feels good, okay, first of all, too, it's a great way of getting a release, like a sexual release.

[129] It's not built up.

[130] It's not annoying you all day.

[131] Because if you're not getting laid, okay, and a lot of us aren't, if you're not getting laid and you don't jerk off, you're going to go fucking bananas, right?

[132] Yeah.

[133] That's a fact.

[134] It's totally true.

[135] So what is this, some sort of a leftover puritanical bullshit idea?

[136] Don't show your ankles.

[137] Don't show your ankles.

[138] Technology.

[139] Put fucking, put dresses over the legs of chairs.

[140] Yeah.

[141] Have you ever seen those buildings where they put?

[142] or those old, like, furniture from, like, you know, I don't know what year it was.

[143] Right.

[144] It was way, way, way back in the Victorian era, I guess.

[145] They would literally put dresses around the legs of chairs.

[146] Lace.

[147] Like, laces.

[148] Right, so that people don't get excited by fucking chairs.

[149] But it was like brawes.

[150] You remember go to your grandmother's house and sing like that old white croquet, like, kit table?

[151] It was, what was it called?

[152] It was kind of like a white lacey, you know, old people, doilies?

[153] Is that what is doily?

[154] I don't think, that's the same thing.

[155] I don't think, oh, look at you.

[156] You're doing an Eddie Browner right now, you fuck.

[157] That's you.

[158] Fuck.

[159] I'm your name, though.

[160] How dare I?

[161] My shit's on airplane mode.

[162] I thought, well, I'm going to put mine on airplane.

[163] So, yeah, so they used to put doilies type shit on furniture that was almost like lace of a brawl to cover up the ankles of a chair or a leg of a table.

[164] How fucking crazier people?

[165] How fucking crazier people and how crazy is it that me of all people, like all the shit that I've talked about from fucking DMT, to the fact that I think the government killed Kennedy and the same people are probably in power and giant fucking corporations control the world.

[166] You have a video of you and me watching two girls in one cup and then you showing, no, you've got to watch a video of a guy chopping off their dick, but yet you can't masturbate with...

[167] That's okay, but masturbation's terrible.

[168] It makes no sense at all.

[169] Of all the shit that I've put out on the Internet, I try to be as honest as possible.

[170] And I try to put out as much on the Internet about things that I'm interested in, I don't care if you think I'm crazy I don't care if you think it's inappropriate look I'm just curious about this certain subject here it is whether it's on my message board or whether we're talking about it on this podcast or whether we put it on Twitter you know if I find something I think it's interesting I'm going to be honest about it like why is that a fucking bad thing you know and why is the idea of me fucking this rubber flashlight why is that a bad thing I mean I don't think people middle America wants to think of you masturbating and then if that gets thrown in their face yeah because you're not supposed to have in their face you're not supposed to have sex Joe so that's what it is when you don't want people to see people having sex or talking about sex too much and if you endorse sex with yourself that's a bad thing I don't know I I to me it's it's like you I mean you can't marry that well the crazy thing is they said the manager said that uh that one of the things they were talking about was the fact this is in the pornography industry.

[171] That's what they said.

[172] It's the pornography industry?

[173] Yeah, that it's pornography.

[174] And I said, how is it involved in a pornography industry?

[175] It's like, it's just a rubber vagina.

[176] They're like, well, when you use it, you watch pornography.

[177] So.

[178] That was an actual argument.

[179] So, so.

[180] Like, how can you can't do it?

[181] You can't do it with your imagination?

[182] It has to involve pornography.

[183] Joe, how many, how many documentaries have you done on DMT and drugs?

[184] So the drug industry is okay, but the porn industry, the Janna Jackson, Nipple industry, is just out of control.

[185] insane.

[186] Why?

[187] I don't know what you just said.

[188] You might be able to be a little bit too high to talk right now, young man. You just scrambled with your words.

[189] How many documentaries have you done about drugs?

[190] I've done a couple of documents on drugs.

[191] So the drug industry to your managers, fine.

[192] The drug industry is not really an industry.

[193] I mean, the idea is that a documentary is different because it's just your opinion on a certain subject, whereas this is an endorsement.

[194] That's the argument.

[195] Endorsement.

[196] So if you were endorsed by marijuana, it would probably be bad, too.

[197] Marijuana is illegal.

[198] You are endorsed by marijuana.

[199] I am endorsed by marijuana.

[200] Marijuana actually not only sponsors this show.

[201] It writes most of the material and causes most of the things to happen.

[202] He's the producer.

[203] Marijuana is the secret producer.

[204] Train wreck is the producer.

[205] This week it was Green crack.

[206] Green crack.

[207] Green crack.

[208] Executive producer.

[209] Secret executive producer of this show this week.

[210] Yeah, no shit.

[211] So this is a real argument right now.

[212] The real argument is that if I endorse this thing, that somehow another, it would be a bad thing.

[213] Look at the packaging on it.

[214] I think that's the butthole.

[215] Is that a butt?

[216] Maybe that's the vagina.

[217] Wow.

[218] It is super tight.

[219] Can I feel it?

[220] No. Let me just touch it.

[221] Let me put my...

[222] Give me one and a half.

[223] Fucking weirdo.

[224] I want one to have.

[225] Do you have a lupé one?

[226] They have a lupé.

[227] If you guys know, Lupe, she was on the Howard Sternshay.

[228] It's like Christmas.

[229] Listen, this ain't a motherfucker.

[230] Clear the table of all the junk.

[231] This is way less annoying than the way I used to have it set up.

[232] Yeah, there's some junk on the table.

[233] How about this?

[234] I'll take this down.

[235] Move this out of the way without help you.

[236] It does look a little better if I do that.

[237] How about that?

[238] I'm cleaning up for you guys.

[239] That's the difference between the Ustream crowd and the iPhone, iPad, iPod crowd.

[240] So that's the fleshlight, fellow.

[241] Fuck it.

[242] Enjoy it.

[243] I got the stamina training unit.

[244] Do you?

[245] Yeah, that's to practice to be longer in bed.

[246] It says, every man knows the only way to get better is to practice.

[247] If you can last 10 minutes in the unit, you can last 20 minutes in bed with anyone.

[248] Wow.

[249] That's bold.

[250] That's strong words.

[251] That was one of the things that this guy was telling us.

[252] One of the more fascinating things about this whole thing was the actual therapeutic applications of the fleshlight.

[253] And this sounds like nonsense.

[254] Sounds like someone's just justifying trying to fuck a rubber pussy.

[255] But no, they use them for a bunch of different therapeutic reasons.

[256] And one of them is people in certain religions aren't allowed to touch their penis.

[257] And because they're not allowed to touch their penis, these guys, he said that Hasidic Jews in particular, actually have a hard time orgasm.

[258] when they have sex with women because they're so used to like fucking pillows because they do most of their masturbation like grabbing a sheet or grabbing a pillow.

[259] This is his words, not mine.

[260] This could be totally nonsense.

[261] I don't know.

[262] I have not researched this at all.

[263] That's my caveats.

[264] But he said that the fleshlight is actually covered by some insurance policies as therapy, as sexual therapy to get them to learn how to orgasm with a vagina instead of fucking like some rough pillow.

[265] I don't know I have not validated this It makes sense to me It totally makes sense to me And the other reason For the fleshlight Is it trains guys Not to prematurely ejaculate And guys who have problems With premature ejaculation They can practice in the fleshlight That's the idea You're supposed to take this tube out That doesn't feel good There's a metal It's a plastic hard ass tube in there Yeah Don't get too crazy Don't pull your dick outside I'll fucking panic So, I don't think there's any, look, obviously we all masturbate.

[266] It's silly at this point in this stage of life to deny that.

[267] It doesn't make any sense.

[268] It's dumb.

[269] So if we all masturbate, what's wrong with this thing?

[270] You know, what's wrong with this?

[271] You know what's great?

[272] I do things like smoke cigarettes, are used to smoke cigarettes in the car, and it's out of a boredom of my hand.

[273] I think therapeutically I could put this in my car instead of smoking cigarettes, just finger it because it feels so good.

[274] I mean, don't touch mine, but feel your own.

[275] I mean, that's something to do with my hand.

[276] Like, like, that feels good.

[277] That feels like I'm playing with, like, one of those stress balls, but it actually feels like I'm 10 % woman doing it.

[278] Wow.

[279] 10 % strong numbers.

[280] A strong number, son.

[281] I think there is a lot of things like that because there was something else he was saying about people, like a lot of medical reasons.

[282] Like, what was something else that he said besides that religion?

[283] There was, like, doctors that would use it for, uh...

[284] Well, that we were to talk about...

[285] covered that um doctors use it for premature ejaculation and for religions that don't masturbate you're way too high to talk i was busy with my lady here he's blasted see he's distracted that's why i tried to keep the iPad away from him i told you i took one too many hits today he did take one too many he went over the deep end ladies gentlemen you're peeing outside it's my fault um so what what i don't understand and i don't want to i i definitely want to hear from you guys um just let me know on Twitter at Joe Rogan.

[286] I'm just my name now, Joe Rogan.

[287] He used to be D -O -T -N -E -T .net, because some dudes cybersquotted on my name.

[288] But I got it back.

[289] Thank you very much, Twitter.

[290] My account got verified and all that shit.

[291] But I want to know.

[292] Do you think it's ridiculous?

[293] Because I think it's ridiculous.

[294] And is there really a bunch of you out there that would not want to see something that I'm doing, whatever the fuck it is, because you know that I support rubber pussies?

[295] Like, is it possible that that could cost somebody business?

[296] I mean, in this day and age when the fucking Pope, okay, is not being brought to justice for shielding child blesters.

[297] You're really going to get upset at me if I endorse a rubber pussy.

[298] I mean, the Pope is endorsed by the goddamn presidents of every goddamn country in the world, and this guy shielded pedophiles.

[299] I mean, it's a fact.

[300] He did.

[301] He's a part of the problem with the Catholic Church.

[302] That motherfucker is accepted everywhere, but I'll be about, am I comparing myself to the Pope?

[303] I guess I am, folks.

[304] I just fucking, I did.

[305] I don't know why.

[306] There's some grandie grandiose illusions of grandeur in my head it's because I've always wanted to wear a dope -ass robe show up for work dressed like a merlin but you know I don't think there's anything wrong with masturbating obviously you don't either we all we all do it I don't think there's anything wrong with a product that makes masturbation easier or better and that's what it is I support it and you know so I'm I'm not going to listen to my managers I'm going to tell them to go fuck themselves but I love them he made an awesome point like women in their dildos and their vire That's almost, you know, when people get married at like Bachelor, you know, parties and stuff, that's like a joke, you know?

[307] That's like, and that's their toy.

[308] Guys have never really had any, any real legit toys, you know?

[309] It's true.

[310] This is the first one.

[311] That, yeah, actually makes sense.

[312] Instead of using your hand, wouldn't you use something that feels a hundred times better?

[313] Yeah, that is the argument.

[314] I can't wait to fuck it and I may get a cantalope, put it in the microwave, put a little hole in it and warm it up a little.

[315] I mean, fuck that first, wait a half hour and then fuck this and see which one's better.

[316] is your move right you've done that before i've done it before it's great because you after you fuck it you could totally eat it still just wash it out don't eat the layer don't eat yeah don't you've done it don't eat the layer don't eat someone calling me during my fucking podcast um i would shut that off if i knew where it was please shut that's what it is they're they're listening to the podcast right now like hey man that's not talk about this man yeah let's not put this out there dude what if it what if he is angry that's funny that your manager's that's cool.

[317] Look, and stop because you'd start talking about.

[318] No, it's just listen.

[319] That's hilarious.

[320] It's hilarious.

[321] They call it right when we're talking about.

[322] I know.

[323] You know, I see what they're saying.

[324] They're trying to protect me from like, you know, like if I had to do a show like Fear Factor or something like that, maybe that could be a problem.

[325] Yeah, but you talk about fucking horses' dicks.

[326] Yeah, I feel like you got to take me as I am.

[327] You know, I'm not a bad guy.

[328] Whenever you're ever to say a and I don't want to do some sort, I don't want to do It's so tempting not to for the money, but I got to do something more interesting.

[329] I got to do shit that I like doing because I have so much more fun.

[330] So it's almost like getting in bed with the flashlight.

[331] It's like protects me from doing anything stupid that I know I'll do for money.

[332] You know, it's just so easy.

[333] When something like Fear Factor comes along and they're like, hey, we're going to give you all this money every week.

[334] And all you have to do is just show up and watch people, you know, do stupid shit.

[335] You're like, fuck, it's so easy to get that money.

[336] It's so difficult.

[337] But you've got to pass on it.

[338] You really do.

[339] Because it was good that I did it, but at a certain point in time, you have to pass on doing those things.

[340] Because if you don't, you're just going to be bitter.

[341] You're talking about, by the way, you're talking about old TV while you're doing new TV.

[342] Yeah.

[343] Well, this is way, this is way easier.

[344] Look, we could have never had a fucking show like this that reaches as many people as this thing does, including the, you know, the podcast on iTunes and this thing on Ustream.

[345] And there's no fucking way we could have ever gotten someone to agree to let us.

[346] practice a TV show.

[347] This is what we're going to do.

[348] We're going to start off just fucking around with boxes of shit behind me, piled up on the desk.

[349] And then eventually we're going to move on to like trying to have like a real show with like a desk and real microphones and the sound is much better.

[350] We've got a top end MP3 recorder.

[351] And then the next thing we got Ustream producer.

[352] We're going to have high -deaf cameras in here.

[353] And eventually we're going to figure out how to do it all through a tricaster so that we can have a background and we'll put a green screen out behind us.

[354] We never thought that this was going to happen.

[355] This is just a goof.

[356] And this is, not that this is any big deal, like, this could have happened, but that it's this easy and this fun, and people would enjoy it this much, you could have never, I could have never done this on television.

[357] They would have never let me. And if they did, they would never let me just do it the way we did.

[358] It would just wing it and talk about whatever.

[359] For the first fucking 10 weeks, we didn't even have planned what we were going to talk about.

[360] We would just get in there, turn it on, and just talk about it.

[361] You know, so I completely lost what the fuck I was talking about.

[362] I completely lost what I was saying.

[363] I know what my point is.

[364] My point is that this is new TV, and you're right.

[365] And it protects me, really.

[366] If I do something like the flashlight or any of the ridiculous shit I do, it protects me from doing any dumb fear factor type shit in the future.

[367] It's so funny because there is a pretty direct line on the old TV where the new TV is mixing with the old TV right now.

[368] I was watching Family Guy.

[369] And the episode involved a dog licking out a baby's asshole.

[370] but it was on the last episode had that where Brian the dog ate out Stewie's asshole and clean shit off his ass How is that possible And we're talking about masturbating Having a problem with masturbating Wow That's incredible I have to see that episode Oh dude it's the best episode Download last episode of Family Guy They're trapped in a bank A bank vault or something like that And it is so fucking ridiculous The shit that they get away with On regular primetime television And we're talking about fucking a rubber thing.

[371] I think when you're as successful as they are or as successful as South Park is, you basically can do whatever the fuck you want because people want to be on your show, you know, advertisers rather.

[372] They want to advertise on your show.

[373] I mean, your show is gigantic.

[374] South Park has just got such a loyal legion of followers at this point in time until the Muhammad thing, they pretty much got away with doing like almost anything they wanted for a long time.

[375] That's crazy about the Muhammad thing because in New York City they just captured the guy the bomber and there's the connection that people are starting to make between a Republican senator or something like that said that they think there might be a connection between the two but they haven't proved anything yet.

[376] Well, you know, I mean that's a good thing to speculate automatically that there might be a connection but yeah, who the fuck knows?

[377] What if there was man?

[378] What if there was?

[379] Pretty ridiculous.

[380] Listen man, people are that dumb.

[381] There are people that really do believe that you're not supposed to make fun of them at all and if you do you're supposed to die like that they are though that's the worst example of human beings in the world and the problem with the middle east and this is what i've always talked about i've talked about it as a joke in my act but it really is kind of true yeah one of the reasons why they're they're so arcane in their ways we're going to try and justice huh one of the reasons why they're so arcane in their ways is that that's where culture like began the oldest known civilization that we know of is sumer and that's where iraq is so basically like the people that are still in that area are like the townies of the world.

[382] I mean, they're really stuck on some fucking multi -thousand -year -old shit.

[383] And us being in America, and it's not that America is better than other countries, but one advantage that America has is that we're the most recent country.

[384] So we're all from somewhere that sucked.

[385] Every one of us here is we came from somewhere that sucked, or our ancestors came from somewhere that sucked, and they congregated to this one place to get the most fresh idea, supposedly, to be the most fresh idea, to be the progressive because they're at the most the most the furthest ahead of the curve but people in like the middle east that's the furthest that's the beginning point of the curve like they really are the fucking townies of the world and that's why there's the problem with this fucking cartoon thing is that these motherfuckers really do believe that there's some magical motherfucker that you're not supposed to draw i mean it's it's bananas you know that is the enemy of evolution this ancient ideology, this multi, this fucking ridiculous idea that somehow or another several thousand years ago they had it wired.

[386] They had it figured out back then, even though they didn't know jack shit about medicine, about the constellations.

[387] They didn't know anything, but they had it wired.

[388] They knew.

[389] They knew what was going on.

[390] What the fuck are you talking about?

[391] It's ridiculous.

[392] The fact that there's people willing to die for that.

[393] That in 2010, that is, still rocking.

[394] It is amazing.

[395] It's amazing.

[396] Yeah.

[397] Tom Cruise is the same way, too.

[398] Dude, personally, I think that the scariest thing is not even the Middle East.

[399] I don't think the scariest thing in this world is that ideology.

[400] I think that's very scary.

[401] But to me, what's scarier is what's happening in Mexico.

[402] And the fact that Mexico is connected to us.

[403] And Mexico is the middle of gigantic gang wars between the police and these gang cartels.

[404] that have fucking billions of dollars.

[405] These guys have insane amounts of money because that's the only way you can make money.

[406] So it's basically like, I mean, that's not the only way you can make money in Mexico.

[407] That's not what I'm saying.

[408] I'm saying, you know, they're totally illegal.

[409] To sell cocaine, it has to be sold illegal.

[410] You can't sell it legally.

[411] You can't regulate it and tax it.

[412] You can't do anything with it.

[413] You have to sell it illegally.

[414] So people are going to buy cocaine.

[415] They're going to buy cocaine from Mexico.

[416] And someone's going to get that money.

[417] Who the fuck's going to get that money?

[418] Well, these drug lords have all that money.

[419] And now they're more powerful than the police.

[420] And they've got U .S. troops that are going in there now and fucking helping out.

[421] I mean, it's bananas down there, dude.

[422] They're fucking warred in the streets with tanks.

[423] With bananas is people are still going there for vacations.

[424] They just had to report how, like, the last spring break, that was still one of the hot spots for people to go for spring break.

[425] If they were Muslims, we'd be fucked, okay?

[426] The fact that they're Christians, and they're not into blowing themselves up for, you know, for Jesus, they're into, you know, I mean, what's going on is it's a lot of money and a lot of influence and a lot of people that, you know, get illegal money and they're dominating the actual political system over there.

[427] And as many as they try to raid, there's so many more of them.

[428] It's such a fucking hard fight because they let them, like, dig in and get infested.

[429] There's just so many fucking gigantic cartels with just tons and tons of money and guns.

[430] It's so frightening.

[431] But if they, like, if they were the enemy, if that was, like, Muslim, I mean, if we, like, if, like, Pakistan was right next door to us and this shit was going down, it would be even scarier.

[432] You know, it really would.

[433] Because for some reason, Mexicans aren't blaming the Americans.

[434] It's really interesting.

[435] It's like Mexican people are pretty proud people.

[436] And they're not blaming a lot of what's going on.

[437] Because they have a lot of family here.

[438] That's why.

[439] They're not going to fuck with half of their families.

[440] Well, it's also, I mean, it's really clear what happened.

[441] They wanted, Mexico wanted to make drugs legal.

[442] They wanted to decriminalize them and make them legal.

[443] And make it so that people can sell them and tax them and all.

[444] And the United States said, no fucking way.

[445] Like, no way.

[446] if you don't have laws and you know you're involved in a business like selling drugs you're going to have criminals because even when you have laws we have things like pharmaceutical companies i mean pharmaceutical companies are basically legal drug dealers and they're dealing shit that kills motherfuckers every day there's always people dropping off from vicodin and percocet i remember when i got my nose fixed when i got my deviated septum operated on the doctor gave me two a value no it was a viking and Percocet.

[447] He gave me a prescription for both.

[448] And I looked at him, I'm like, man, this stuff is bad for you.

[449] Like, how bad is this going to fucking hurt?

[450] It's going to hurt way more than it hurts right now?

[451] I'd rather just deal with, like, it being annoying, than get hooked on some crazy fucking pharmaceutical pills that, like, addict you, like, what, like 30 % of that time?

[452] How many people get addicted to Vicodin's?

[453] Oh, like tons.

[454] Fuck loads.

[455] Dude, they give those things out, like, candy.

[456] Well, right after I decided not to accept the prescription, a study came out showing that the FDA, food and drug menstruation, they're going to recommend, like, cutting way back on prescriptions, and they're, like, recommend that doctors do not prescribe them because of liver damage and because of addiction.

[457] Oh, I have probably four half -full bottles of viking laying around, just from going to the dentist.

[458] Does they talk to you sometimes?

[459] Huh?

[460] Did they talk to you?

[461] The viking bottles?

[462] Yeah.

[463] Only when I sleep.

[464] Like in the middle of the night.

[465] They wake up and they're calming my hair.

[466] You go, dude, you're really stressed right now.

[467] You know what I feel better?

[468] Actually, I hate viking.

[469] Chew me up, man. I hate vikingin.

[470] I just feel gross when I do vikin.

[471] I've only done vikin once when I had my first knee operation.

[472] I've had three knee operations, two ACL reconstructions, one meniscus surgery.

[473] And the first time I had the ACL done, it was pretty painful because they did what's called a patella tendon graft.

[474] I have this scar that goes from here to here.

[475] And what they do is they take a chunk of bone out of your knee and a chunk of bone out of your shin.

[476] and they cut this big tendon they cut a slice of it off with the bone and then they open you up like a fish and they drill it in place so they take this tendon and they make it smaller to make you a fake tendon for the ACL and it's apparently supposed to like physically stronger than the original ACL the point is you've got holes in your bones and screws in your bones and it hurts like a bitch when you get up especially when you're sitting down and then you get up it's way more pain I have the other one done with a cadaver So I got a dead dude shit in this knee.

[477] But the one with the ACL where they do the surgery where they take it off the bone is way, way, way more painful.

[478] I'd get up from the couch and be like watching TV and it was just like hot lava, just hot lead, just going right into my bones.

[479] It was so fucking painful.

[480] And I took a Vicodin.

[481] That was the only time I ever took one.

[482] And I felt so stupid.

[483] Yeah.

[484] Just so drugged.

[485] And my jaw was slack.

[486] And I was watching TV.

[487] And I thought to myself while I was under it.

[488] I was like, I will never take this dumb shit again.

[489] This stuff's terrible.

[490] Yeah.

[491] It's weird how some people are the exact opposite.

[492] They'll fucking give you 20 bucks for a vikin.

[493] You know?

[494] Well, what basically we're trying to say is there's no fucking difference between vikinns and heroin and oxycontins and heroin are really the same thing.

[495] There's no fucking difference between pharmaceutical companies and drug dealers.

[496] The only difference is the drug dealers don't have to, they don't have to work within the law.

[497] The pharmaceutical companies, they have to bribe politicians.

[498] They have to wax doctors.

[499] You know what they do with doctors?

[500] They take everybody out to dinner.

[501] Mrs. Rogan is her mom as a nurse.

[502] And she works with these pharmaceutical companies.

[503] These nurses, they don't make much money, and they don't get to go out to fancy dinners.

[504] Well, the pharmaceutical companies come along and say, hey, Viagra is going to take us out on a nice dinner.

[505] And they all get to go to a nice restaurant and have a nice meal.

[506] And it's all on these pharmaceutical companies.

[507] They pay for the drinks.

[508] They pay for everything.

[509] And so these people are more likely to talk nice.

[510] about their pharmaceuticals, so they prescribe them more.

[511] You know what's fucked up about that is, I've thought about that also.

[512] When I go to the doctor, I was at the doctor recently.

[513] Viagra was a poor example, because that's a good one.

[514] Right.

[515] I went to the doctors the other day for acid reflux, because sometimes after I eat, like, too much caffeine, onions, or I drink too much, I kind of feel like I have acid coming up from my throat.

[516] It makes my throat feel tight and all those other stuff.

[517] You've had this for a long time.

[518] Yeah, I've had it for a while.

[519] So I finally went to the doctor the other day, digestive doctor, and I told him everything I had.

[520] And then he's like, oh, let me give you some sandwich, He gave me a garbage bag almost full of the sample.

[521] It was called the blue pill .com.

[522] I don't remember what the name of it, but it was the blue pill .com or something like that.

[523] And I'm thinking, you know what?

[524] I wonder if this is even the best thing I could be taking right now or if this guy just got paid to give me a bottle.

[525] Because he gave me like 20 bottles of samples and coupons and books.

[526] And it's like, and I take it and I'm like, yeah, I guess that kind of is better.

[527] But I don't know if I'm just tricking myself or if I have to go back there make a second appointment.

[528] You know, just to be like, look, whatever you gave me, that's bullshit.

[529] You know, we know for sure that doctors are influenced by pharmaceutical companies.

[530] You know, they give them money.

[531] They get money for, they were getting, I don't know if this is still true or still legal or if there's different states that have different laws.

[532] I don't know how it all works.

[533] But from what I understand, doctors have been busted where they're getting a percentage of the amount of sales that they have.

[534] Like, say, if they sell, you know, X amount of baliums, they get a kickback from the pharmaceutical company.

[535] That should absolutely be illegal I mean that's crazy That's bananas Hopefully technology helps that though So when they try to prescribe something Like a million topics come Text to your phone You go actually no I want to take this one This one's better Right Like yeah like an iPhone app That tells you your doctor's trying to get you Yeah yeah just like you turn it You turn it on and when the doctor comes in We're not trying to shit on doctors or anything Man The whole system is fucked up And when you're a doctor And you're struggling to get along And you have to pay an insane amount of malpractice insurance I mean, malpractice insurance for doctors is goddamn brutal.

[536] And then you have all these assholes that want to sue you for fucking nothing, for no reason, for shit getting wrong, for you getting an affection, for things that are totally unavoidable.

[537] And I'm not saying the doctor's perfect.

[538] But, you know, it's hard for doctors.

[539] Their medical bills are fucking, or medical school bills are gigantic.

[540] They're fucking huge.

[541] And if all of a sudden some pharmaceutical company comes along and says, hey, you know, you're still helping all these people, but you're still doing a great thing.

[542] We just would love it if you would tell them, you know, take very.

[543] Vioxx if you have arthritis.

[544] So these doctors say, yeah, I could do that.

[545] And we'll be in on a deal with you guys.

[546] You could buy, you know, we'll give you a share in the company.

[547] We'll give you a certain percentage.

[548] For every, you know, Viox bottle you sell, we'll give you X percent.

[549] And so they don't think they're doing anything wrong.

[550] Viox is something that was created to help people.

[551] This person has a pain.

[552] I'll give them this.

[553] It'll help their pain and I'll profit.

[554] And they don't even think it's a bad thing.

[555] And then next thing you know, they're prescribing it way more than they did before, especially like nutty pills.

[556] you talked to like there's been many studies done on people who take anti -depressants and how people have gone to psychiatrists just for experimentation purposes just to write stories on it and just said hey you know I'm just having trouble sleeping I just feel shitty all day I don't know what to do here take this right bam it's like that simple have Zoloft you'll feel better right like they're just dishing it out they try this for a little bit and tell us how you feel like whoa we're fucking with human neurochemistry and we're allowing these heartless pharmaceutical companies to do it you can't do that man there's got to be more oversight i know there's a lot of money involved in pharmaceuticals and i know that there's a lot of pharmaceuticals that do a lot of good for a lot of people not saying there's anything bad about it but there's got to be way more oversight because they have so much shit out there that you can get addicted to there's so much that will fuck your life up and it's readily available oxycontins fucking percocets valiums vikidens those those fucking things will crush you and somehow or another those guys are doing something that's way more acceptable than someone sells pot or coke or fucks a rubber or vagina or fucks a rubber vagina those people are looked at as heroes doctors and stuff but yet if you talk about this you know bad person well you know I mean look doctors are heroes man the doctors that have fixed me up I mean forever in their debt the guy who fixed my nose the guys who have fix my knees.

[557] You know, if it wasn't for them, my nose would suck and I wouldn't be able to walk that good.

[558] You know, I mean, doctors are fucking awesome.

[559] I'm not saying that.

[560] I'm just saying we live in this ridiculous state of hypocrisy because there's certain drugs that we make illegal.

[561] You literally aren't supposed to have them.

[562] It's not that you can get them prescribed if you need them or they can, you know, monitor you.

[563] No, you're not allowed to.

[564] Big Daddy, who knows more than you, tells you that if you're with this drug, this drug, we're going to lock you in a cage.

[565] Like, what the Why is that?

[566] Is that set up so that the people who really appreciate and recognize the merits in the psychedelic drugs rise up so that they realize they have to literally overthrow the culture, the way of thinking?

[567] They have to not overthrow rather, but overturn the way the culture accepts drugs.

[568] Because that's the only thing that seems to make sense.

[569] All the beneficial ones are illegal.

[570] You don't ever hear about someone talking to you about they did Valium and they just really had this life -changing experience and learned to love everyone.

[571] No, you don't have that fucking unvalium.

[572] I felt connected to the universe and I realized that I'm just a part of a never -ending process and my biology is trying to hold on to everything and that's where the insecurity comes from.

[573] No, no you don't get that from fucking Valium, okay?

[574] You get that from mushrooms and mushrooms grow outside and if they catch you with them, they put you in a cage.

[575] If they come by your fucking house and you have mushrooms growing under your tree in your backyard, are legally allowed to lock you in a box they can take you and arrest you yeah that's fucking bananas bananas and that are enforcing our ridiculous thinking on the mexican people is why those drug cartels got into power is that a conspiracy theory perhaps is that a little bit of tinfoil hat perhaps yeah maybe but you know some of that tinfoil hat shit is on the money and i think it is with this we live right next to a country that's involved in a way more deadly war than the one going on in Afghanistan or going on in Iraq.

[576] Both of them combined, can't even touch the body counts that are happening in Mexico right next door.

[577] They're killing motherfuckers.

[578] They're going crazy over there, dude.

[579] And you can get there by walking.

[580] You know what I'm saying?

[581] I mean, we're all invested in Afghanistan and securing Afghanistan.

[582] Meanwhile, we live right next to a fucking third world country.

[583] We are connected to them with an invisible line, and they're involved in the best.

[584] bloodiest pharmaceutical war that's ever been fought in the history of this earth, the illegal pharmaceutical war.

[585] They're fighting it with goddamn tanks.

[586] They're fighting a pharmaceutical war with tanks.

[587] And that's what the war is.

[588] The war is who gets to sell your shit?

[589] Is it going to be people that have no law whatsoever, or is it going to be people that have laws?

[590] And if you say it's going to be people that have laws and that the other stuff, you're not going to allow, well then someone's going to sell that other stuff because there's a goddamn demand for it.

[591] shit's dangerous everywhere did you know here about this west hollywood like yesterday or something like that a woman walks into a target at west hollywood and just starts fucking stabbing or shooting people I think shooting people shot four people and finally was taken down by having to say i think you gotta do a google this is the age of the internet son you can't be using like 1984 type storytelling skills well give uh why look this up give some facts about target well target is an awesome place if you want to buy some shit they usually have it there however Target would not carry the rubber pussy No Target frowns upon the rubber pussy They're not allowed Woman stabs four people in So it is stabbing In West Hollywood She's 34 years old Entered the store Attack shoppers with a butcher knife And a steak knife An off -duty L .A. County Sheriff Deputy and store security guards apprehended her Thank God those guys were there Thank God someone's some fucking balls I hope they brain that bitch When they took her out, they should have just shoved that fucking knife right into her heart.

[592] You know, you're in the middle of a battle, a knife battle with a knife wielding assailant.

[593] You should just stick that fucking thing right in her neck.

[594] Wow.

[595] She was yelling, I'm bipolar.

[596] There's no witness protection program.

[597] Oh, God.

[598] See, at that point, we have to know when to kill people.

[599] We really do.

[600] You can't bring that person back and reintroduce them to society.

[601] Life is short, and you have fucked it up.

[602] So bad.

[603] There's just no. way of coming back from that.

[604] We just got to start from scratch.

[605] And it sends a message to all the other people out there thinking about going nutty.

[606] Don't go that nutty.

[607] All right.

[608] Stop.

[609] Don't go running into Target and fucking stabbing people.

[610] We're not going to allow that shit.

[611] Jesus Christ.

[612] You know, we're so goddamn tolerant of fucking loonies.

[613] Just kill them.

[614] Yeah.

[615] Have you seen those back?

[616] I think I talked about this the other day when we were talking to the fleshlight, dude.

[617] Yeah.

[618] The new piercings where they have up and down your back they have hoops and then they take laces and go back and forth like it's a dress and they tie like bows and stuff with it.

[619] And I was thinking, you know, how fucking crazy is that?

[620] Even piercings are crazy.

[621] I remember back in the day, it was left hoop, right hoop.

[622] Yeah, that was the crissing.

[623] You went eyebrow.

[624] Yeah.

[625] If you're really nutty, you went eyebrow.

[626] And it moved on to the belly button.

[627] And then, like, some crazy girls got nipples and clits.

[628] Now they're fucking making clothes out of your skin.

[629] I think you should probably talk to that microphone more.

[630] Put the, oh, it's pumped up.

[631] Is it?

[632] Yeah.

[633] But it's getting to the point where now it's like, like, laces back and forth.

[634] And it's like you're making skin dresses.

[635] Yeah.

[636] That's how crazy piercing is.

[637] Yeah.

[638] What he's talking about is a series of loops that these women are putting on their bodies and their back and they make it like shoelaces.

[639] Yeah.

[640] It's the trippiest thing ever.

[641] When you see someone, that's a girl who doesn't give a fuck, all right?

[642] Yeah.

[643] There was a one girl.

[644] She won't even blank if you fuck her in the ass.

[645] She'll be like what.

[646] There was a girl standing outside of my grocery store.

[647] trying to do Greenpeace, whatever that shit is.

[648] And she had that whole thing up and down with a bra on.

[649] Do you think that that's the message, that the message is that they just, they can take all sorts of crazy pain.

[650] That's the sexiness of the message?

[651] I think that or people are just getting weird about skin.

[652] Yeah, but is that maybe the sexiness of the message?

[653] What it is is that, you know, what you're doing is you're taking lust to the next levels because everything has got to go to the next level now.

[654] Because we have this crazy access to information, you know, like people are fucking way different than they fucked like in like the 1970s.

[655] Yeah.

[656] You know, no one is accepting, you know, lights out, you know, just fucking and no, no dirty talk, no nothing, missionary style, rollover, kiss you and I go to sleep.

[657] No one's accepting that.

[658] Everyone's going lobstre style.

[659] And this is all because of the internet, because pornography has changed the way people look at sex.

[660] And, you know, what they're talking about, a lot of people are talking about, there's a problem with young girls right now getting all sorts of problems with their buttholes because they're having butt sex, like way early and all the time.

[661] Yeah.

[662] There's going to be a lot of 30 -year -old women in a couple years from now.

[663] With diapers on.

[664] Yeah, the diapers on.

[665] That's going to be the hot fashion, hot fashion with your pamper's.

[666] Oh, my God.

[667] No, you know what's going to be going to be the big operation is not going to be Botox?

[668] It's going to be getting your butthole tightened.

[669] Yeah.

[670] Get your butthole brought back to reality.

[671] Or getting like a filter.

[672] Yeah.

[673] For a while, you're going to have to use a colostomy bag for a little while until your butthole gets recovered from the surgery.

[674] That shit's real, man. What are these people doing?

[675] You know what they're doing?

[676] They're getting it.

[677] They're getting everything to the highest level possible.

[678] That's what these piercings are about.

[679] That's why guys think girls who are tattooed up are sexy.

[680] What's sexy about tattoos is if you have tattoos, you know how much fucking pain it causes.

[681] It's so goddamn painful.

[682] So you see someone with tattoos, you're like, that's someone who doesn't give a fuck.

[683] And that's the sexiness of it.

[684] But shit, we're bananas, man. Our society is going in a very, very, very strange direction.

[685] Oh, it's ridiculous.

[686] And the age of information is not necessarily, aiding it entirely.

[687] Because people aren't necessarily using the information on the internet to make an objective opinion.

[688] They're usually trying to find stuff that reinforces their own current opinion.

[689] It's a very tempting thing.

[690] You know, you've got to look at, like, with ideas on the internet, you've got to look at both sides of it, but a lot of people aren't.

[691] So it's like almost helping retards be retarded.

[692] If they can find other, you know, sites that say the Earth is flat and dinosaurs live with people 6 ,000 years ago, as long as you can find plenty of sites if you look around, it tells you that evolution is retarded.

[693] You can have plenty of science that will have guys who are doctors and they're scientists and they are telling people, meaning they're obviously crazy but they're telling people that the earth is only 6 ,000 years old, that carbon dating is not real and that evolution is a myth and that, you know, we had to come from somewhere so there has to be a God and that, you know, the Bible can prove the Bible mathematically and like they start talking nutty talk and these are doctors and scientists.

[694] So if you just look for them, you'll decide on their point of view.

[695] You know, I mean, if you just, like, look at any one side of any issue, you can get your answers reinforced.

[696] So the problem with that is people are just getting their answers reinforced, or questions rather reinforced.

[697] They're not necessarily, like, learning.

[698] You know, they're finding other retards who have set up websites that confirm their retarded ideas.

[699] You know, that's kind of a little bit of a problem.

[700] That's one problem with the Internet.

[701] You know, the other part of it is just magnificent.

[702] The other part of it is people who are open -minded, who are really using it as this crazy network of information and they're really learning like at this incredible exponentially expanding rate like we're learning shit and we're so much more aware of shit than our parents were we're so much more aware of information there's so much more shit going on that you have to store in your head I mean it's what the when I talk to my mom about like the world like what's going on the world it's I feel like I'm talking to my daughter I mean it's like it's you know there's a level of understanding that our civilization or our generation has reached that really hasn't been reached before.

[703] Is that just an age thing, though?

[704] No, it's the internet, man. It's the internet, yeah.

[705] I mean, it's acceleration.

[706] I mean, I think our parents were smarter than their parents, and their parents are smarter than their parents.

[707] And, you know, it's always been that way that we evolve, and as we evolve, we get brighter.

[708] And you can see that in culture.

[709] You can see that in, like, the movies that they used to watch the 1940s.

[710] They're fucking horrible.

[711] I mean, they're way worse than the bad movies we have to do.

[712] It doesn't even have to be the 1940s.

[713] The other day I watched Reality Bites.

[714] I don't know if you remember that movie.

[715] I had, what's his name, Ben Stiller, Janine Garofalo, had all these famous people, an awesome sound track.

[716] What was the other one that you were telling me that you made your girl watch?

[717] Oh, yeah.

[718] You thought it was an awesome movie at the time, but it was fucking terrible, and she was mad at you.

[719] What was that?

[720] Oh, can't buy me love.

[721] Oh, my God.

[722] I don't dare you.

[723] Reality Bites, though.

[724] Those are the McDreamy?

[725] McDreamy.

[726] McDreamy's in it, and he used to mow lawns, and he paved the pot most pocket.

[727] all those bruns.

[728] He was delivering pizzas.

[729] Isn't that the same one?

[730] No. He paid the most popular girl to be his girlfriend for a week.

[731] And then he became too popular.

[732] And then she spilled cranberry juice on a dress.

[733] But I watched that the other day.

[734] It was awful.

[735] But reality bites horrible, like really uncomfortable to watch.

[736] But the worst disturbing thing is I used to have a crush on Janine Garofalo back in that time period.

[737] I thought she was like, oh, she's a hot comic girl.

[738] She's so hot.

[739] I looked at that movie almost puked because of how ugly she was.

[740] And I want to know what the fuck.

[741] Don't be so mean.

[742] Listen, she's not that ugly Don't be rude, that's rude You're being rude No, in the movie Her character in the movie Her character in that movie This is what happened You used to have different tastes Now you're into like the porn star look That's all cool That's all cool You know, but back then you weren't man That's what it is Everybody has a look Have you watched the movie You can see the line where her makeup was That's ridiculous Listen that's not what's important What's important is the evolution of culture What's important in this conversation It's not your fucking weird thing What you mean Garof?

[743] I'm just saying I evolved That movie to me is awful have.

[744] It's embarrassing.

[745] A movie like that, like I watched Altered States.

[746] It was terrible.

[747] Altered states totally does not hold up.

[748] I mean, to me, that movie changed my life because that's the movie that got me into the isolation tanks.

[749] If it wasn't for altered states, I probably never would have a tank in my basement.

[750] And when that tank in my basement has changed the way I look at the world, that thing is like my reset button.

[751] Whenever I got anything that's fucking with my head, that tank kicks me the real deal every time.

[752] It's like my guidebook.

[753] It's like literally to me, my isolation tank is like, my connection to the spirit world.

[754] It's like my spirit guide.

[755] It sounds completely retarded and gay and it sounds new aging.

[756] But that's what it feels like.

[757] When I get in there and I just zone, I just disappear, my body disappears.

[758] When my mind has no sensory input, when I'm just floating through space in that tank, I get truth.

[759] I get straight truth about everything I've ever done, about anything that I've ever done where I was the douchebag, anything that I've ever watched where, you know, like, I can, like, rewatch, like, things that have happened in my life and see where I've personally made mistakes, things that I've done well, things that I could have avoided, reasons why people are upset at me, like, everything, it kicks you, and then it kicks me everything about what am I doing wrong in my personal life, what am I doing wrong in my career, what am I doing wrong in my comedy, what am I doing wrong in my writing, here's what you can eliminate, here's what you can do better.

[760] Almost never, like, it's never a praising thing.

[761] It's always like a ruthless self -examination experience.

[762] It's never like, like, you an experience like, yeah, I'm fucking awesome here, I'm in the water.

[763] Never.

[764] It's almost always uncomfortable.

[765] But after you get out of it, man, you have a newfound appreciation and respect for life.

[766] And that experience would not have happened if I didn't watch that movie Altered States and get confused.

[767] Meanwhile, I watched it.

[768] I couldn't even watch the whole movie and I shut it off.

[769] It was a piece of shit.

[770] Those old movies just don't hold up.

[771] Like E .T. I watched that the other day.

[772] And you remember when E .T. was like, I could believe this is an alien.

[773] I saw it the other day and he's like, A .A. And he stopped.

[774] and he rocks when he stops.

[775] I'm like, why is he rocking?

[776] Yeah, it's so bad.

[777] It's amazing.

[778] Yeah, the technology available today, a random dude with a PC who knows how to encode 3D animation, he can make something on his own computer and literally have a texture to it and everything.

[779] It'll be way better than ET.

[780] Imagine when you can do that with Avatar graphics.

[781] Oh, my God.

[782] It's going to happen.

[783] What is that?

[784] That would be 15 years?

[785] It's happening.

[786] No, I don't think it's going to be 15 years.

[787] Shit is happening so quickly, man, with the internet, with the level of complexity that they can pull off in animation now is just astounding.

[788] I mean, Avatar still looked a little off, but the reason why they got away with it looking a little off is that they used monsters and shit that you don't know in real life.

[789] So, you know, you look at it and you go, oh, well, it can't tell it's fake.

[790] You can't tell it's fake.

[791] But you've watched like I Am Legend.

[792] I Am Legend is the shit.

[793] But when they had those lions, you're like, get the fuck out of here.

[794] Those lions look so bad.

[795] Did I hear they were making a sequel to that?

[796] I hope so.

[797] Oh, that would be so good.

[798] I love that movie.

[799] That movie was fun.

[800] In the scene where he shoots the lion, or he's going to shoot a deer and a lion takes out the deer, it looks so bad.

[801] It looks so corny and fake.

[802] It should be totally unacceptable.

[803] They really should have to film in another way.

[804] You should have to do it in the dark where I can't see it, where it happens so quickly.

[805] But what you show me is just dog shit.

[806] For a movie that's that powerful, they can't totally recreate real life.

[807] and because of that they can't totally recreate people yet but they can really recreate monsters shit that they make up they can make shit that they invent look fucking amazing like king Kong how good did king Kong that was awesome I just saw it the other day also and that was still looks good dude I don't even watch that movie you know what I do with that movie I turn it on to the scene where King Kong's fucking shit up and you jack on I almost do I almost do I scratch my chest I get fucking crazy dude hitting camera footage of you watching King Kong Kong by your stuff.

[808] Yeah, I might start fucking...

[809] I've always been obsessed with primates.

[810] I have a giant poster of King Kong.

[811] It's like 12 feet tall in my house.

[812] Throwing fleshlights around like fucking apes.

[813] I have just a smidgen more monkey in me than the average person.

[814] I feel very connected to the monkeys.

[815] I get angry when I go to the zoo and I see the monkeys in the cage.

[816] I always want to let them out.

[817] I always feel like this is fucked up.

[818] You always think you're a monkey?

[819] Big curious George fan?

[820] I'm Sicilian, man. They are monkeys.

[821] way closer to monkeys than regular people.

[822] There's something about my ancestors.

[823] The way they used to yell at each other, it's just like going to the fucking chimps to do you.

[824] My grandmother used to fucking scream at my grandfather.

[825] She didn't give a fuck that I was there.

[826] She didn't give a fuck that I was three or four or whatever the fuck I was.

[827] I'd be standing right next to her.

[828] And my grandfather would be like, my grandmother was always late for everything.

[829] My grandmother was crazy.

[830] My grandmother did time, okay?

[831] This is how crazy.

[832] My grandmother worked for the mom and she did time.

[833] That's crazy.

[834] My grandma was bananas, but she would fucking scream.

[835] Joe!

[836] Don't rush me, Joe!

[837] Joe!

[838] Don't rush me!

[839] Don't fucking rush me, Joe!

[840] My grandfather's name was Joe.

[841] Her name was Joe.

[842] She would fucking scream at him, and he would have to eat it.

[843] You are like a monkey.

[844] That's like a chimp cage.

[845] I was in the lion...

[846] My family...

[847] My family was in the lion cage over at the zoo.

[848] Yeah?

[849] We were just like, rann, what's up going on?

[850] Yeah, you always seem like a lion.

[851] If I had to describe you, you know, if Brian was an animal, what would he be?

[852] be a lion And that's why I'm a Leo What are you What's your son You are Leah?

[853] That's right They don't have a monkey sign If they had a monkey sign I'm sure I'd be out Damn I didn't I was a Puma I'm here a tiger Do you get upset When you go to the zoo Does that body him?

[854] It doesn't Drives me fucking crazy I'm more like Wow tiger I don't even Drives me fucking crazy I'm just not that deep I don't care about the dumb animals Like I don't freak out When I see a walrus Fuck a waller Wallrus can kiss my ass I'll give a fuck about you You're just dumb you know what are you doing i don't want to kill you i don't want to hurt you i don't want to cause you pain for no reason but i don't give a fuck about you when's your movie zooker coming out it's not my movie it's your movie it's your movie it's your movie it's your movie fellow and it comes out in october october yeah have you seen a preview or anything i haven't seen little clips where i had to do voiceover shit it's gonna be fun yeah it's a funny movie kevin's hilarious he's a very funny guy he's awesome at that that whole physical comedy thing and doing it with all these animated animals the animated animals are pretty fucking dope really yeah they just they just changed their mouths.

[855] They make their mouths move.

[856] They're like real animals.

[857] They have to train real animals to do certain things.

[858] And then they like add animation to it.

[859] And then they have like one guy in a monkey suit.

[860] One guy that was really funny, he walked into a car accidentally knocked himself out.

[861] It was really fucked up, you know, because he hit the thing hard.

[862] Really?

[863] He banged right into the door of this car and just fell over out cold.

[864] He didn't see it coming and he walked right into a door.

[865] This stuntman man, stuntman are fucking savages.

[866] No doubt.

[867] These guys are nuts man. The dudes that I met on Fear Factor and the dudes that I've worked with, especially the guys on this Zookeeper movie because there was a lot of crazy stunts.

[868] I crashed a bike.

[869] It wasn't supposed to be doing my own stunts, but I had this bike scene with me and Kevin where I'm chasing him and I'm yelling on.

[870] I'm trying to reach them.

[871] I crashed my bike three or four hard times.

[872] Really?

[873] Hard times.

[874] One where I go over the handlebars.

[875] Fuck are you doing that for?

[876] To the concrete.

[877] Dude, I went over the bars.

[878] I grabbed the front brake accidentally and squeeze it too hard, and I just went over the top.

[879] And I was only one hand in it because I was trying to grab him.

[880] We're just improvising the scene.

[881] Dude, I launched myself, but somehow or another, I was fine.

[882] Like, somehow or another, the, whatever, the clear -headedness or the, you know, the piece of mind to gather myself, you know, I knew I was going over this and just land correctly.

[883] Right, you rolled or something?

[884] Something.

[885] I got lucky all the time.

[886] The only thing I did, I got a scratch on my shin.

[887] But, dude, I crashed hard, like four times.

[888] I did the, I crashed recently.

[889] I could have easily broken a wrist or something.

[890] There was one time when I went down where it was pretty fucking hard.

[891] I went over the handlebars and I got a whole.

[892] of I hit the ground first with my hands and then my face.

[893] My chin hit the ground but I absorbed it and I pulled back enough it was like just enough level -headedness where I wound up not and I'm because of Jiu -Jitsu I'm always falling you're always like rolling with shit and you get comfortable with that like here's the ground it's like it's normal right it's a normal feeling but dude I gotta got fucked out I could have lost some teeth for sure yeah I just got a bike recently and I did the same thing I went over my handlebars because I hit a curb it was dark out and I hit a curb and it didn't like pop over It just went straight down for something.

[894] I flipped over my bike.

[895] And I felt like my teeth.

[896] I'm like, oh, my God.

[897] That's the first thing I did is grab my teeth.

[898] But I landed okay.

[899] But I was like, I could have died right there.

[900] Yeah, man. That's some scary shit.

[901] Bicycles are fucking scary when you're falling, man. I just read some article about some woman who just got paralyzed from horse racing, horse jumping, the same as Christopher Reeve did.

[902] Right.

[903] Jumping over, you know, hurdles and shit like that.

[904] That's some scary shit, dude.

[905] You don't need to be doing that, people.

[906] And, you know, taking it from a guy who's involved in UFC and just jiu -jitsu, It sounds ridiculous.

[907] But Jiu -Jitsu, if you trust your partners, you're pretty safe, man. I mean, I'm doing it all the time, and I've only been injured a few times, and one of the injuries was an old injury.

[908] You know, I had one ACL and meniscus tear from my old Taekwondo days, and that one re -injured first in Jiu -Jitsu, and then I injured the other leg.

[909] But that's over fucking, I've been doing it now for 14 years.

[910] That's a long -ass time.

[911] You know, I only have a few minor injuries, and to roll, like, all the time.

[912] time because most of the time you're rolling with dudes you can trust and you know you're not gonna fucking dump each other on each other's heads you're not gonna you're not gonna hurt each other if you don't have like when you get an arm bar or something you back off before you know you know when a dude is is got you know you don't hurt each other so but you can trust people you can't trust a horse you can't trust a horse if a horse just decides fuck this it just digs those legs in you're done son you're gonna go flying you're you're on a giant super powerful animal, an animal that's so strong it can run like, what, 50 miles an hour with a person on its back?

[913] Are you fucking kidding me?

[914] You're going to go off like a pillow.

[915] You're just going to go flying off.

[916] You're not even going to believe how light you feel.

[917] Well, that horse just stops and just throws his muscular fucking shoulders up into it.

[918] You just launch like you're on a spring, head first right into the dirt.

[919] Snap!

[920] You hear your neck snap.

[921] But how cool would it be if none of us had cars because like gas went out and we all had to get horses We all had our own horse And then like every time we hung out We all had our horses together And our horses could be friends with these horses What if your horse breaks his leg You gotta shoot him in the head I know, you don't think that's terrible?

[922] No, but then we'd get a new horse Like our two of our friends' horses Would mate and have a baby horse It'd be cool just to have your own horse Brian, you're Robin You definitely had one extra hit I think you should not have had that third hit I think it's cool that I live in an equestrian district Where everyone has horses It'd be nice If you're with the horse And you treat it very well From the time it was young So you had an awesome relationship with the horse but that's not always going to be the case and it's going to be like you go to a dog park with your dog there's always going to be some douchebag with this fucking dog that wants to bite everybody's dog you know and that's going to be what it's going to be like with horses man they're too you can't trust people to raise the horses correctly so you're going to have a bunch of horses they're going to get mad at your horses you're going to get mad at you're that would be awesome this is the most ridiculous conversation we've ever had nothing would be awesome to have a horse What else, Brian?

[923] Boy, I wish unicorns were real.

[924] No, but, but if you like money, what would you get?

[925] I'd get a pony.

[926] What if oil?

[927] That's because I can't get a Pegasus.

[928] What if we run out of oil or oil or power?

[929] We are going to run out of oil, man. It's all in the fucking golf.

[930] And we all go back to that.

[931] That'd be crazy if you had to go back to horses.

[932] It's really ridiculous how short a period of time.

[933] I put this on my Twitter this week.

[934] I was just thinking about it, how nutty it is, that 200 years ago, the fastest way to get around was on the back of an animal.

[935] Right.

[936] 200 years ago, that's nothing.

[937] It's so funny to think about that.

[938] And there was no photograph.

[939] The best way to get an image of someone was to draw them.

[940] 200 years ago.

[941] That's nothing.

[942] That's a blink in time.

[943] Jesus Christ.

[944] And it's all because of technology and oil, unfortunately.

[945] It's all because of oil.

[946] All the plastic, all the shit we use.

[947] I mean, how much is oil, like, embedded in our life?

[948] It's totally.

[949] It's the main thing for almost all the world.

[950] For everything.

[951] Religion and oil together.

[952] Yeah.

[953] Well, there's people that believe that religion and oil are stuffed in together, you know on purpose just to make you know it easier to control the oil you know whether or not that's sort of you know i mean you know the idea that the cia is involved and all these you know secret shadow government organizations are involved in creating drama and turmoil so that we always have an enemy over there and that's a very real theory and and you know if you talk to people who understand you know how the united states is involved in other countries and how you know we do sell arms to people like iran and iraq and we do you know provide them with weapons and we play both sides of the fence we'll provide their enemy with shit too and we create we create drama you know this week and go in there and clean it up we should find a way to make money off religion and oil combining the two like like jesus oil i think they already have i mean the people involved in the oil business are all the people that are supporting the conservative right but at this point i think the concert i think everybody's involved you know i don't think it's just the conservatives i don't think it's just the republicans the democrats are just as like i mean I believe Obama was in favor of offshore drilling.

[954] I think there was so much pressure that we need to relieve ourselves of the need for foreign oil that they were in support of it.

[955] I think everybody was in support of it.

[956] Look, it seemed like a great idea.

[957] I mean, I thought it was a good idea.

[958] I'm like, if they don't spill that shit, it doesn't seem like they do very often, I was like, well, hey, if they know what they're doing, that's the problem, if they know what they're doing.

[959] So I was in favor of it, too, until I saw this.

[960] And I was like, okay, this is crazy.

[961] Like, I didn't know that this could happen.

[962] I thought that if something breaks, you just shut off you know i thought like you have like some sort of a fail safe like i can't believe they had no backup plan like there's they don't know the exact estimate but one of the estimates is 40 000 they're talking about 40 000 gallons a day that's insane yeah think of how many how much oil that is well think how big the ocean is but i've heard hundreds of thousands i've heard a million gallons a day i've heard all these different i've heard 400 000 but even if it's a thousand gallons of oil a day even that have you seen the slick the slick is gigantic pretty fucking great You could see it with a satellite.

[963] I hate seeing the animals that they're cleaning off the sponges and stuff like that.

[964] Well, one of the ways that people are describing it, they're saying that it could be apocalyptic.

[965] Like, that was the language that they used.

[966] Apocalyptic.

[967] It just sells more T -shirts, Joe.

[968] Is that what it is?

[969] Yeah.

[970] I don't know, dude.

[971] It seems pretty, look at, we're looking at images right now, and you can't see because you're not here.

[972] But the streak is giant fucking gantic.

[973] Okay, 42 ,000 gallons of oil per day.

[974] That's what these people are saying.

[975] I mean, who knows if they're right.

[976] nobody's down there with a fucking measuring spoon measuring spoon measuring spoon what the fuck am i even talking about um nobody's down there measuring for real but it is an insane amount of oil and it's leaking out every day and they don't know exactly how they're going to stop it and i heard someone last night but this is a dude in jujitsu class so who knows if he was telling me the truth he could have been just talking about his ass but he was saying that they could stop the oil but the way they would have to stop it is blow up the well they would have to blow it up and if they did that the oil would stop but then they'd be fucked because they don't want to do that because they have this well down there they want to protect and they want to be able to turn it back on again eventually if that's true that's insane if there really is a fix and all you have to do is blow it up and they're worried because this this company wants to you know continue to pump oil out of there like you get number one is you got to stop what you're doing you got to stop all this oil coming out you know did you build you built the well you built it right you built it you got to have to build a new one okay you can't salvage the parts of this while it's bleeding oil into the ocean.

[977] I mean, that's bananas.

[978] Like, if there really is a fix and the fix involves them destroying the whole thing, you've got to destroy the whole thing first and then rebuild it.

[979] I don't care how many years it takes to make one of those things.

[980] That doesn't mean anything.

[981] How many years is going to take to clean up what the fuck you did?

[982] Can't you just get a ship of cat litter and put it on it?

[983] Isn't that what you do in the garage?

[984] Imagine it's that simple.

[985] If cat litter just clung to it, and all you do is pour bags of it, it would have made these big gelatinous cat litter and oil glob boulders that'd be sitting on the bottom of the ocean floor and they would just scoop them up.

[986] Scoop them up.

[987] The bigger bowl.

[988] Like one of those cat litter spoons.

[989] Scoop it out.

[990] It seems like more sense than what they're doing now.

[991] Well, they're not doing anything now.

[992] They've tried to stop it and they've cut it back a little bit apparently supposedly from the most recent reports, but as far as getting it stopped or even under control, they're not even close.

[993] They could be a week away from doing something.

[994] You know, they're talking about putting some kind of giant dome over it.

[995] I mean, the whole thing is...

[996] See, that's ridiculous.

[997] Try a cat living first.

[998] If it works in the garage, you'll work in the ocean.

[999] It's fucking bananas.

[1000] The whole thing is bananas.

[1001] It's literally going to kill everything in that area.

[1002] I mean, there's the slick.

[1003] I mean, I'm looking at the images when they show them to you online, and it doesn't seem real.

[1004] Wow, that does seem crazy.

[1005] It does, it literally doesn't seem real.

[1006] Look at this.

[1007] There's images if you go to Earth Observatory