#1143 - Candice Thompson

[0] do do do four three two one and we're live kandis hi guys hi my god oh my god oh my god what were you saying about hereditary that's supposed to be a terrifying movie right that's what they said that's what they said they meaning the media and uh like huffington post i think i i so that's why i went because i i'm not scared by anything like in the movies so i'm constantly in pursuit of a actual scary movie so i went thinking oh this might be the one it was not damn you're that hard that no movies get you i can't remember the last time i was scared but i think poltergeist when i was a kid and that's why i'm scared of clowns nothing as an adult though no i'm trying to think of the last time i was really scared and well see yeah see they don't make well they're fun i like them that's how i feel i like and i also like uh thinking that something might get me i like the suspense in that but it never does i always get it's very anti -climactic for me you're like thinking that something might get you scared and it doesn't and it does not jammy when was the last time you were scared in a movie said jump scares or that's like cheap cheap scares that's not that doesn't count just to make it no it doesn't kick that that doesn't count i don't go see scary movies at the theater so so you're always at home so you know yeah yeah the strangers that one bothered me a little bit I was just...

[1] Checking the weather?

[2] No, I was just...

[3] You're holding on to wait for something to come in.

[4] I was just sending out my Instagram story.

[5] Oh, your Instagram story.

[6] But, yeah, no, the strangers.

[7] Did you see that one?

[8] No. That one was with Liv Tyler.

[9] Did they have, like, masks on stuff?

[10] They were outside the house trying to kill people.

[11] Mm -hmm.

[12] Yeah.

[13] That one rocked me a little, a little.

[14] Mm. Really?

[15] Yeah.

[16] Something about the dark, right?

[17] You ever mind fuck yourself and you think that there's, like, someone outside?

[18] like you think you hear something you open your door and you listen that actually has happened to me i had a peeping tom i had a real guy outside of my window so like i didn't see him i only heard him oh my window was cracked and uh he started whispering to me through my window whoa i talk i have a joke about it now because it was the only way i could deal with it without you know getting too paranoid about it so i wrote a joke about it but i did i did but every time i tell people they're like that's terrifying and I'm like yeah that is terrifying but at the same time it's like it was kind of flattering kind of flattering you went out of his way to whisper at you through all the windows he could have gone to he came to mine you know so but yeah did you ever see what the guy looked like I didn't but my neighbors so he came one night and I heard him he started whispering to me he was like can I I'll just tell you what he said okay it was terrifying I was watching also let me give the setup I was watching Mulholland drive have you seen are you a David Lynch Lynch that's what I had on I'm a David Lynch fan and I had that I was probably like three o 'clock in the morning.

[19] And I sleep with my window open because my place does not have AC.

[20] What?

[21] I know.

[22] What?

[23] What do you live in Montana?

[24] Yes.

[25] I just drove in for this today.

[26] The fuck?

[27] How can you live in L .A.?

[28] My place is old and I think what happened was that it was built before AC was even invented.

[29] So the windows are even old school.

[30] So I can't even put like a portable.

[31] They crank open and the windows crank open like that.

[32] So you can't even.

[33] I'd have to probably like.

[34] get the manager to replace the window installments before I could even put an air conditioning in.

[35] How do you survive this summer?

[36] I don't know.

[37] I just leave during the day and then at night, I have fans.

[38] With that just below hot air.

[39] No, I know.

[40] It's awful.

[41] Or I just spend the night at a friend's place.

[42] That's the move.

[43] That is the move.

[44] I'll be here now.

[45] And now I know the address.

[46] Because it's so chilly.

[47] It's nice in here, right?

[48] This is perfect.

[49] It's got its own thermostat.

[50] This room does.

[51] This is amazing.

[52] I hate you.

[53] No, you don't.

[54] We're friends.

[55] How dare you?

[56] Try to make me feel bad.

[57] Don't feel bad for your accomplishments This is, no, this is what I want I want that pink Himalayan salt light right there You could have that one I can take that?

[58] Yeah, you can take that We got an extra one We got an extra one Who just has random pink Himalayan salt rocks?

[59] We do Joe Rogan.

[60] You have a stuffed werewolf outside And a float tank, whatever I don't think it's stuffed It's not stuffed It would have to be like a real thing And then you kill it That is what it is, right?

[61] That wasn't real?

[62] No Imagine if it was I guess a polar bear scary than that If anybody you were to have an actual werewolf it would be you can I can I finish my peeping times right now sorry please cute so I heard him outside it was the summertime I think it was probably like July this is I think like two years ago yeah it wasn't it wasn't awful it wasn't like it is like now because this is kind of new I don't think LA has ever been this hot in like at the beginning of July so that's the end of days so anyway I was in my bed watching Mulholland Drive and I had been like in and out of like falling asleep and then all of a sudden I heard like a outside of my window but I thought at first I thought it was this the movie right because I was like David Lynch is a weird dude like maybe this is like a director's choice to like to creep people out to put like murmuring in the background I did I thought that at first so I ignored it and then like probably 20 minutes later I was like something's my gut was like that's not the movie so I hit mute and all of a sudden I heard come on Baby, Rob that sweet pussy.

[63] Wow.

[64] So you're on the first floor?

[65] I'm on the first floor, my duplex.

[66] That's a problem anyway, right?

[67] It is.

[68] Well, you know, anyone that's on the first floor, your upstairs neighbors are problematic because it sounds like they wear horseshoes and they're bowling all the time.

[69] So, yeah, the whole, yeah, no, the whole thing living on the first floor is not a good idea.

[70] But we have bars on, like, most of the windows.

[71] So that's not an issue.

[72] Like, I wasn't scared he was going to come in because the window's open, but then there's bars and front of it.

[73] So I wasn't terrified about that.

[74] But as soon as that happened, what was funny was that Ian Edwards, you know Ian Edwards.

[75] I do.

[76] Very funny comic.

[77] Working with them tonight.

[78] Do I have a, at the store?

[79] No. The ice house.

[80] Okay.

[81] Yeah, no. He was staying with me at the time because he had just sold his place in Recita, which isn't far from here.

[82] And then he was in our extra room at the apartment.

[83] So I was like, Ian, I think there's somebody outside.

[84] Can you?

[85] you like you went to get eindigo who that was all i had what are you saying about ean you don't think he could protect me he's jamaican he's crazy i love ian with all my heart but he's not the one to call he weighs 18 pounds he weighs less than me yeah i'm careful when i hug him i hug you i hug you more firmly than i hug i hug you i'm trying to get him to eat meat he told me he'll eat some of my elk meat no he said he will yeah he just won't he said he will I don't believe him.

[86] You don't believe him?

[87] No. You think he's lying?

[88] Yeah, I think he's just doing that to a piece of him.

[89] No, no, he's asked me several times.

[90] To try elk.

[91] Yeah, he wants me to cook elk for him and he'll eat it because he'll know it's a hunted animal.

[92] You know, because he's a vegan.

[93] He doesn't want to eat anything that was killed like from a factory farm.

[94] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[95] I don't eat meat either.

[96] Like, I do occasionally, I'll have fish.

[97] When Ian and I fly, every time we fly together, I take a picture of him five minutes into the flight because he's always like this.

[98] Out cold, five minutes in.

[99] I'm like, dude, what the fuck, man. It's first thing in the morning We're supposed to be up Like you just woke up How are you going back to sleep?

[100] He's always so tired And I go dude You gotta get blood work done It's your fucking diet I know it is You can do that vegan diet right But you gotta be Very disciplined You have to Yeah you have to take all sorts of Different supplements And you have to use Algae You have to take algae And even that's not the best source Of B12 It's not as bioavailable As animal sources You know All the fat soluble vitamin It's just a nightmare.

[101] You've got to really be on the ball.

[102] Yeah, he's not.

[103] It's not.

[104] No, Ian, I don't know if Ian's on the ball.

[105] He was just on my podcast the other day, and he talked, it's called The Struggle.

[106] The Struggle.

[107] The struggle.

[108] Is that about life in L .A.?

[109] Yeah.

[110] With no AC?

[111] Yes.

[112] That's an ongoing.

[113] That and my dating struggle are the ongoing.

[114] The dating struggle.

[115] Dating and not having air conditioning in.

[116] You had a nice fellow with you at the comedy store the other night.

[117] He seemed like a good guy.

[118] He has since.

[119] Departed?

[120] It was very brief.

[121] Yeah, well, you seem like a nice fellow?

[122] I thought so too.

[123] It's not that he's not nice.

[124] He just lives a lifestyle that I just can't, that we're not compatible.

[125] We'll still be friends, I think.

[126] I think we can get to the point.

[127] We'll be friends first.

[128] So I think we can maintain that if I can't, you know.

[129] The struggle.

[130] Everything's a struggle.

[131] It's real.

[132] The struggle is real.

[133] It is.

[134] That's why I have people on.

[135] And we just talk about stuff that everyone's, everyone's struggling with something and multiple things, usually.

[136] Well, I find this is just a rash generalization, but I'm good at those.

[137] I find that women, when they're in their, the prime of their life as a, like, not like 20, but like as an actual grown woman with a career and if they're smart and independent, they have a really hard time finding the right man. Absolutely.

[138] Yeah.

[139] It's like if you're a dingbat, if you're a dingbat and you'll, you know, you'll morph into whatever lifestyle your new boyfriend chooses, then you can be okay.

[140] Yeah, because you don't know who you are.

[141] But it's hard for a girl to find, first of all, it's hard for a girl who's strong and smart to find a guy who's not intimidated by that.

[142] Preach, rogan, preach.

[143] It is.

[144] I know.

[145] Who are you talking to?

[146] You.

[147] This is my life.

[148] I know.

[149] And I know so many women who are in my situation.

[150] So many who are just like educated.

[151] It's women in their 30s.

[152] Know what they want, independent, have money, and just, like, don't need a man, but just want one.

[153] Right.

[154] But the dudes can't handle it.

[155] Well, it's hard both ways.

[156] It's hard finding quality human beings to spend time with it.

[157] Absolutely.

[158] Especially in L .A. Friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, whoever it is.

[159] It's hard.

[160] It's hard finding the right.

[161] I mean, yeah, especially in L .A., especially in our line of work.

[162] You know, we're in the attention business.

[163] You know, we get attention professionally, right?

[164] And make people laugh.

[165] It's the business.

[166] It's a fucking tricky business.

[167] I don't know what you're talking about.

[168] But listen, you have one of the healthiest attitudes.

[169] Like, you really do.

[170] I always say this about you.

[171] Whenever we're at the store, like, you always have these, you have the grind spots.

[172] You get those grind spots.

[173] I do.

[174] At the store, you get those 12 o 'clock spots, 1130s.

[175] Those are the grind spots.

[176] That show's been on for three and a half hours by the time you get on.

[177] You know, that's rough.

[178] But you're always, you always have a positive attitude.

[179] Thank you.

[180] Always happy.

[181] Always smiling.

[182] everybody's always happy to see you.

[183] People are never like, oh, it's a Candace.

[184] I feel like some people do, but those are the haters.

[185] I don't know who they are.

[186] I don't associate with those people.

[187] But all my friends are always happy to see you.

[188] You're very happy.

[189] I am very happy.

[190] It's my parents love me. Ah, there it is.

[191] Well, you're fucked then.

[192] You're never going to make it in this town.

[193] That's what I talk about.

[194] I talk about that all the time.

[195] I say if my parents had been just a little bit more abusive, you know, I could have had five sitcoms by now.

[196] If my dad had just pulled a Joe Jackson at least a. Just once or twice.

[197] RIP, Joe Jackson, he just passed away.

[198] Well, RIP, Joe Jackson, we were just reading about him.

[199] People have been sending me these things, that Dr. Conrad Murray says that Michael Jackson was chemically castrated.

[200] Oh, yeah, I heard about that.

[201] Yeah, I had, I said that a long time ago that I thought he was a castrato.

[202] Is that the word for being castrated?

[203] A castrato is something that they used to do to young boys to get them to sing opera better.

[204] You ever heard of this before?

[205] I wonder if Aaron Neville has.

[206] I don't think so I think he's just doing a falsetto Because when you hear him talk He talks like this Talks like a man Michael Jackson also talks like this too By the way That was fake though Is fake Did you hear Speaking of this Conrad Murray His voice was like this Conrad Murray has a recording On his phone That he just played There was some documentary I just watched And it was Michael Jackson's like Last words Like on his deathbed Here's his deep voice See Get the fuck out of it That sounds like a girl It does not It does Sounds like a girl wants some dick See that was his real voice too Can you hear that?

[207] That is not deep No one said it was deep But it's not this Okay listen When that is his deep voice I mean that sounds like he's got a cold sounds like my eight -year -old when she has a cold No one said it was deep But it's not that This is what Hey And why do all of them talk like that?

[208] Why does Janet talk like this And the toy?

[209] Because they all got beaten by their dad But what does that mean?

[210] So that now they all have this Stay low key So they have to talk like chipmuffs If you um You read the stories The Chemical Castro Oh yeah You hear this play her A sound of a real castrato Because there's only one recording from the early 1900s.

[211] It was like some of the last of the castratos because they don't do that anymore.

[212] I hope not.

[213] But they used to do it.

[214] It was very common.

[215] People would give their children to the opera.

[216] It's awful.

[217] Will they get us kicked off YouTube?

[218] Jamie's got to do some finagling.

[219] We get kicked off YouTube all the time for shit.

[220] If we play things that are other people's copyrights.

[221] Yeah.

[222] This is a boy?

[223] This is a boy.

[224] Yeah.

[225] This is what That's what he used to look like I mean, you know, he was castrated So he had no hormones His body did not produce testosterone And so this is a grown adult Male Singing like this Why wouldn't they just let the women sing it?

[226] No, because it's a different thing It's a different sound Like the women sound beautiful And they sound like women But there's a sound that a castrato has And that's a Michael Jackson sound The sound is a extremely feminine man. Look, it's real.

[227] Like, if you see Tito and all the other Jackson's, they don't sound nothing with Germain.

[228] No one looks or sounds anything.

[229] And like, no, he was definitely the standout.

[230] But so you think they did this to him when he was a kid?

[231] This is what Conrad Murray says.

[232] And look, it makes sense.

[233] If you look at his body, if you look at, like he didn't have any muscle tone.

[234] He was very slender.

[235] He looked like he had no testosterone.

[236] He sounded like a girl.

[237] He sang like a girl.

[238] Yeah.

[239] Tell him that it's human nature.

[240] Why?

[241] Why?

[242] That actually, it's not bad.

[243] Think about that.

[244] Think about that voice.

[245] Who the fuck sings like that's a man?

[246] No, you're right.

[247] And I always thought he, I never pictured him like for, took him for a sexual person at all.

[248] Like when people were like, they said he was touching little boys.

[249] I never believe that.

[250] I always felt he was asexual.

[251] I didn't get any type of sexual, any chemistry or any type of tension at all from him.

[252] Did you check him out with a, like a detector?

[253] Yeah, I have a, you know the gaitar?

[254] I have the actual.

[255] See what kind of vibe.

[256] I bought mine on Amazon.

[257] Yeah, I think it's entirely possible that that's true.

[258] Because I thought about that.

[259] We talked about that for years.

[260] I was like, dude, I'm telling you, I heard those castratos.

[261] I know about that.

[262] I guarantee you Joe Jackson knew about that too.

[263] I bet they did that to that kid.

[264] That's awful.

[265] Turns out they did.

[266] They used chemical castration.

[267] I heard that had happened, but I always thought it was like, for some reason I thought it was when he was an adult.

[268] I thought it was like a personal choice that he made.

[269] Ooh.

[270] Whoa.

[271] No, I think the idea was his dad was.

[272] trying to preserve his voice.

[273] I didn't, I didn't know that.

[274] So wait, a chemical castration is that, does that mean, but with what?

[275] That's a good question.

[276] Is it something that you take that doesn't like shrivel up your balls, but like something that just makes you in, like, you don't have the ability to produce testosterone anymore?

[277] Well, let's find out here.

[278] It says allegations are Joe had Michael receive hormone injections when he was 12 years old in an effort to cure his acne and prevent his voice from deepening.

[279] An allegation Murray previously made in his 2016 self -published book.

[280] This is It, The Secret Live of Dr. Conrad Murray and Michael Jackson.

[281] Hmm.

[282] Yeah.

[283] He said Joe was physically abusive to him and his siblings were growing up but never mentioned undergoing any sort of hormonal treatments.

[284] But this is what Conrad Murray says.

[285] I just don't know.

[286] I mean.

[287] Who do you believe?

[288] It's hard.

[289] They both sound like crazy people.

[290] The reason why I believe it is because of the way he sounded.

[291] Right.

[292] It just makes sense.

[293] And his dad was just a ruthless prick.

[294] It was known as being a hard.

[295] person yeah but why why would why would he only do that to one of his sons because he was the only one that was young enough to do it to if you look at the jackson five when they were taken off like oh baby give me one more yeah he was five six years old everybody else was grown there was too late yeah they were all deep they were already they were already grown men and this was this was the voice i mean he was the voice ABC man I mean he was so fucking cute too they try to keep that going forever that's what i think that's unfortunate it's scary well he's he's a cautionary tale you know and i think there's a level of fame that you get to where you just fucked up yeah you got too fucking famous yeah but isn't it isn't it also like that a certain type of person only wants that level of fame right like have you ever thought about like people who get to like for example like Donald Trump level because it doesn't just apply to like the entertainment industry, but like CEOs who these multi -billion dollar, own these multi -billion dollar corporations, like it takes a certain type of person to even want that type of clout, you know?

[296] Right.

[297] And I don't know.

[298] I think that there's something in that as well.

[299] I don't know.

[300] I think there's a pursuit involved in all these things where you start off just chasing money and you start out and then you get involved in a game and it's all about numbers.

[301] It's all about putting scores up, you know?

[302] And I think as those scores continue to pile on, you continue to get more excited about your progress and you want to keep going further.

[303] If someone makes a million dollars a year, they don't go, that's good.

[304] That's good enough.

[305] No, they go, I want two million.

[306] They make two million.

[307] I want a mansion.

[308] They get a mansion.

[309] I want a mansion.

[310] I want a jet.

[311] I want a fucking island.

[312] I have always wondered, like, when is it enough for people?

[313] Because, like, I'm the type of person.

[314] I don't think I would be like that.

[315] Like, if I had $25 million.

[316] And somebody was like, you have to do this to get another $25 million, depending upon what it is.

[317] If it was something that I didn't believe in or something that wasn't aligned with my morals, I wouldn't, I'd be like, I already have $25 million.

[318] Yeah, I don't need it that bad.

[319] Well, yeah, I mean, that's different, though.

[320] You're saying, like, if something was not aligned with your morals, but if you had $25 million and you had an opportunity to make $30.

[321] Well, yeah.

[322] If it was, yeah.

[323] But there are...

[324] Just to work a couple extra hours a week, Candace.

[325] No big deal.

[326] Is that all it takes?

[327] Yeah, maybe just a few.

[328] Oh, well, that's fine.

[329] five extra hours a week, an extra hour a day, and we could ramp you up to $30 million a year.

[330] Well, I would do that.

[331] Yeah, you would do that.

[332] And then they go, listen, Candice, we can get you really close to $75 million a year, but you're going to have to work 12 hours a day.

[333] I'm sorry, I can't.

[334] People will come up to you, they go, Candice, I can't.

[335] Candice, I know what you're saying.

[336] I know you think it's hard, but listen, we got some Adderall and we got some massage therapist that'll be on staff.

[337] And if we do this for a few years, you retire comfortably.

[338] For the rest of your life, you live in Ibiza, you fucking chill out in a hammock.

[339] I don't know.

[340] It never happens.

[341] That's the thing.

[342] That a beza thing never happens.

[343] The hammock never comes.

[344] You just keep making money.

[345] But see, for me, it would come.

[346] The only reason I'm working is so I can stop working.

[347] Oh, really?

[348] Yes.

[349] What's going to hit?

[350] What number?

[351] I would be fine with, I'm going to go with $200 million.

[352] That's all you need?

[353] That's all I mean.

[354] You're low maintenance.

[355] Jesus Christ.

[356] How much is it to buy an island?

[357] Depends on where it is If it's where hurricanes hit all the time But you get it cheap I get it for 75 Somebody Richard Branson bought one last year And right after he bought it It got destroyed Literally to the point where There are no living humans For the first time In 300 years on this island Oh no He didn't do research Well it just got unlucky He just bought it And right after he bought it It literally the epicenter of the hurricane washed over it And just flattened the entire I don't mean, if you're listening to this Richard Branson, I'm not, I don't mean to laugh at you.

[358] Yeah, pull up that story.

[359] Branson's Island.

[360] It's, what is it?

[361] Last time I've talked about it, it's, uh, Nekker Island, the one that he's owned for a while is going to be reopened in a couple months.

[362] Oh, so they redid it?

[363] Yeah, it's like, it's like, it's back on.

[364] Necker?

[365] Those, necker.

[366] I don't like it's too close.

[367] It's like niggardly.

[368] It's, you know, that word?

[369] It's a dangerous, right?

[370] It's like selfish and, like, stingy.

[371] People, people are saying, don't use that word anymore because it sounds too much like that other word.

[372] Well, it does, but it's not the same.

[373] It's not the same word.

[374] I know it's not, but it's tricky.

[375] It is tricky.

[376] You have to pronounce every letter.

[377] Negardly.

[378] Yeah.

[379] Yeah.

[380] Yeah.

[381] It's a problem.

[382] You know, it's weird when words are okay sometimes, like pussycat.

[383] Yeah.

[384] You have to have another.

[385] Yeah.

[386] But pussy fart.

[387] Right.

[388] Change is the game.

[389] It's not the same.

[390] You can't say that on daytime talk.

[391] That is weird, though, right?

[392] You can say pussy cat yeah but if you say pussy one two three cat yeah that's like hey i don't like what you did there unless you named your cat pussy oh yeah i guess octopussy remember that that was a big deal everybody's like oh what is this no i remember seeing that uh this is what i think with when we lived in new york it was a movie right yes yeah yeah i remember seven yeah seeing it like i was a kid and i remember seeing it like oh that's a bad word it is a bad word yeah i wasn't allowed to say it what were they doing that was like a they got a loophole in there yeah yeah there's some words that are like that well how about a dude named dick yeah i don't know any if anyone deserves that name like i don't i don't know anyone i don't think i think that's like one of those older school ones like i feel like no one goes by if your name is richard you go by rich or rich now i don't think anybody's like yeah call me dick the way you know the weirdest one is jack like if you're john your nickname's jack wait no one's just jack yeah my nephew's name's jack well who but but john if you use john they just call me jack the nickname is jack i never knew that like john kennedy they used to call him jack kennedy oh yeah i did know that then yeah his name was john that's so weird it's the same amount of letters isn't it isn't it it's so stupid that doesn't make any sense are there any ones like that for girls well there's uh no no not that i can think of i can't think of one right there's not just name him jack it's a completely different name it's a totally different name it sounds different yeah yeah can we talk about since we're on the on the nickname thing so you know we're not allowed to say tranny anymore right you just said it i know because i don't i personally don't find anything wrong with the word and now someone could very well say well you're not transgender canis you're not bothered by it you know It doesn't affect you.

[393] But I don't know anyone that really used it in a derogatory way.

[394] You know, it was just a word that we said to refer to this type of person.

[395] But to me, it sounds adorable.

[396] Like, to me, it's just the nickname for transgender to say tranny.

[397] It's like, Jennifer, you call somebody Jenny.

[398] Well, there's a lot of policing of language as of late, and it's ramped up because the internet, because people can complain more.

[399] Yeah.

[400] But I think the problem is that it's not, you know, You're not putting any respect on that name.

[401] Is that what it is?

[402] It's a respect.

[403] It sounds like it's a...

[404] Remember when Birdman went to visit Charlemagne?

[405] Put some respect of my name.

[406] It's respect.

[407] Respect.

[408] Put some respect on my name.

[409] Did you see that?

[410] You ever see that interview?

[411] I didn't see that one.

[412] He came in.

[413] Apparently Charlemagne had been talking some shit about Birdman.

[414] So Birdman came in with a giant crew.

[415] And he's like, put some respect of my name.

[416] And then he got up and left.

[417] And that's all he said.

[418] That was the whole conversation.

[419] And Charlemagne's going, okay, all right.

[420] I love Beefs I love You want to watch Yeah Yes It's really short Yeah He's got stars over his head What crazy look That guy's got Nigger when my name Respect you Respecting I'm playing with my fucking name All drill y 'all Stop playing with my name I ain't gonna say it No more Hilarious And that's it That's it That's it Put some respect on my name I love Beefs man Were you following the Drake and push a tea.

[421] I tried to not.

[422] Why?

[423] I tried to avoid it.

[424] Because Jamie brings he's up.

[425] He comes in.

[426] Did you hear about what's happening with Drake?

[427] It turns out Drake has a kid with a porn star.

[428] Yeah.

[429] I get it all from Jamie.

[430] Jamie's the gossip news.

[431] He's the TMZ of this studio.

[432] It gives me so much life.

[433] Why do you love that?

[434] Just because I love hurt feelings, man. I love, I do.

[435] Do you?

[436] When it's like celebrities.

[437] Oh, like they can get their feelings hurt.

[438] Of course.

[439] They can.

[440] Fuck them.

[441] Because all they're doing is bragging and talking.

[442] talking about all the money they have so it's like they they're what if they're not braggy what rapper is not braggy rapper yeah that's what we yeah that's what I'm talking about like rap beefs yeah so if there was a beat between like Jennifer Lawrence and Scarlett Johansson would you like that I mean that also would be entertaining I'm not gonna lie I would like to see one of them cry I'm here for it why do you like hurt feelings because we're all human we all get our feelings hurt okay and it's nice to bring you know humble people sometimes like oh Do you think if you're happier in your own life, you wouldn't like hurt feelings as much?

[443] We just, you just talked about me being a very happy person.

[444] Happier.

[445] I'm not saying you're totally 100 % fulfilled.

[446] You were saying earlier that you can't find a good man. That doesn't mean I'm not fulfilled.

[447] Ooh.

[448] Maybe my vagina is.

[449] But the rest of me, spiritually and emotionally.

[450] You're happy even without.

[451] So you're so happy.

[452] I'm a very happy person.

[453] I've been single most of my life.

[454] I believe it.

[455] What's that supposed to me?

[456] That you're happy.

[457] Oh.

[458] I believe you've been single most of your life.

[459] I've always said that you're happy.

[460] You have.

[461] I mean, we just got done.

[462] You have.

[463] How many years have I known you?

[464] You've been nothing but friendly.

[465] Yeah, no. I mean, what's to be mad about?

[466] Yeah.

[467] I'm just a grateful person.

[468] I wake up every morning and I'm like, I'm just happy to be living this life.

[469] It's a great life.

[470] It is a great life.

[471] I mean, if you can make a living as a stand -up comedian, yeah.

[472] It's about as good as it gets.

[473] It is.

[474] Well, yeah, if that's what you want.

[475] But even people who, you know, who don't do stand -up want to kind of be stand -ups.

[476] people do?

[477] A lot of DJs do.

[478] Radio DJs?

[479] They all secretly want to be comics.

[480] They think they're hilarious.

[481] There's a lot of them to do.

[482] They secretly.

[483] Absolutely.

[484] That you come in and do morning radio and they're like, hmm.

[485] It's like the closest thing to it, I think, right?

[486] Yeah.

[487] Because what I'm trying to think of another profession, which is like stand -up comedy where you can like tell jokes and people listen to you in the masses, you know?

[488] But I think, yeah, probably a radio DJ is the closest thing to that.

[489] Some radio DJs that are dicks, you know, some of them that get kind of, Ego -y.

[490] I think that's really what it is.

[491] They also want to keep you on your heels because they know that you could do their job, but they can't do your job.

[492] Like, you could just be a radio DJ.

[493] That shit isn't hard.

[494] Yeah, we're kind of doing it now.

[495] Yeah, we are doing it now.

[496] You host a podcast.

[497] Yeah.

[498] You know how to do it?

[499] Yeah.

[500] You can easily take over some fucking radio show.

[501] Tell that dude to go on.

[502] Put some music breaks in there.

[503] Tell that dude to go on your spot, 1145 in the fucking OR after Joey Diaz.

[504] Bitch, good luck.

[505] Good fucking luck.

[506] Yeah.

[507] that's the I I find like with dudes just in general because it is mostly dudes I don't find women like competing with me to be funny most of the time that aren't comics but like even dudes who aren't comedians like if I go on a date with them or we're dating it's like they always try to like one up me they try to one up you even though they know you're a comic yeah because dude you know dudes they always want to just be the you know the funny ones even if they're not comics they want to be the the funny one hmm and it's Like, you don't have to be.

[508] And if you're dating me, like, it doesn't, that doesn't, I don't need that.

[509] It's always good to have a dude that can make me laugh, but I don't expect that.

[510] But could you deal with a dude that's not funny at all?

[511] No, no, no, no. He doesn't, no, I don't want a dude who has no sense of humor.

[512] No, no, no, no. I don't want a dude who has no sense of humor at all, but I would like a dude who could, like, who can riff with me, but also not intimidated by me and doesn't feel like he has to be funnier than me. That's going to be your problem forever.

[513] What?

[514] That.

[515] Well, then I guess I'll just be single forever, Joe.

[516] Forever.

[517] Get a robot boyfriend.

[518] They're talking about making robot girlfriends.

[519] I'm going to get a sex robot boyfriend.

[520] Get a robot boyfriend.

[521] Yeah, if they can open jars.

[522] Go over Candace's house.

[523] It'll be good.

[524] The fucking Hulk answers the door.

[525] Every time his eyes move, you hear, like, what the fuck, Candace?

[526] What are you up to?

[527] Well, Ian couldn't save me. The Hulk will.

[528] He fucks me and then he stays outside, looks out for peeping tombs.

[529] He stands guard outside my window.

[530] Hulk protect you.

[531] I want to have women are going to get that because I know guys are going to get that 100%.

[532] Did you see Ex Machina?

[533] I've loved it.

[534] I've loved it.

[535] It's one of my favorite movies ever.

[536] Yeah, no, I watch it every minute I can.

[537] Yeah, I've watched that movie at least three times.

[538] Yeah.

[539] But that scene, like when that guy had those girls, there were his girlfriends.

[540] You know, like the Japanese lady was dancing with them.

[541] Yeah, that was my favorite scene.

[542] Yeah.

[543] That is 100 % going to happen.

[544] There's no way that's not going to happen.

[545] Of course it's going to happen.

[546] 100%.

[547] Y 'all don't want to talk to women.

[548] Why do you lump me in with all those other dudes?

[549] Not you.

[550] Not you.

[551] I mean, look at you.

[552] You're talking to a woman right now.

[553] Yep.

[554] I just realized.

[555] I saw, because, you know, I'd be watching the podcast.

[556] And so you had another black Candace on not too long ago.

[557] Oh, Candice Owens.

[558] Yeah.

[559] I'm the one that's not in the sunken place.

[560] Sunkin place?

[561] What's the sunken place?

[562] Did you see Get Out?

[563] Have you not seen Get Out?

[564] Oh, I haven't seen that yet.

[565] yet what are you waiting for it's not in theaters anymore I know well most movies I don't watch in the theaters most movies well yeah you're a celebrity you can't go no I go to the movies do you yes then why do you just can't you said you can't go to the movies I can't go to all of them oh I'm not that was a really good one you should have gone if I go to one movie a month it's a lot so I miss a lot of movies okay I go to little kids movies I have kids you know I go to see the Incredibles do you see the Incredibles not yet it's really good I heard it's really good It's better than the first one.

[566] Is it?

[567] Yeah, it's really good.

[568] I wanted to see that the other night, but I got talked into going to see, I call it Black Purge.

[569] It's called the First Purge.

[570] It's called the First Purge.

[571] You saw, did you see the original Purge?

[572] Yes.

[573] Well, now there's a black one.

[574] There is?

[575] And it's supposed to be the first purge.

[576] Then it tells the origin of how the purge system started in America.

[577] And it's with black people.

[578] I haven't heard of this.

[579] I didn't enjoy it.

[580] Is it any good?

[581] Didn't enjoy it?

[582] I didn't enjoy it for many reasons.

[583] There was acting problems I felt in it.

[584] There was acting problems.

[585] I don't know the names of the people that I felt the acting bothered me, but I didn't enjoy that.

[586] The story, I just felt like it's one of those ones where it's like the premise is really good, but it's just not executed well.

[587] Like the idea of it like, oh shit, I want to see that.

[588] And then you go see it.

[589] It was a very, it was a letdown.

[590] So Candace Owens is in The Dark Place.

[591] Is that what you said?

[592] Sunkin, the sunken place.

[593] How so?

[594] What do you mean how so?

[595] She's a black chick who's like caping for Trump.

[596] Caping?

[597] Yeah.

[598] What is caping?

[599] Like rooting for on his team.

[600] Oh, I've never heard that term.

[601] Yeah, supporting.

[602] So I can't, I mean, by nature, I don't understand that.

[603] And she's a woman.

[604] She's a black woman.

[605] You don't understand it?

[606] No, I don't.

[607] What is there to understand?

[608] Like, you're a womanizer who has been also accused of rape on numerous occasions.

[609] also been, you know, as a history of racism from his family.

[610] Like his father, his father used to, in his apartments, used to deny renting apartments to Brown and black people.

[611] So like that's, he was raised with that.

[612] So like, and, you know, calling Mexicans rapists.

[613] Like, I can't.

[614] There's no explanation for a supporting.

[615] Yeah, I think, um, she found a niche.

[616] She did.

[617] I think that's exactly what it is.

[618] I think that, I don't even think necessarily she believes what she says.

[619] Like, I think that she was like, oh, this is a way for me to get famous because there are how many black, she's, you know, what she is.

[620] She's like the brand new Amorosa.

[621] She's like, she's like new Amarosa.

[622] I had Amarosa.

[623] It was on Fear Factor back in the day.

[624] She was?

[625] She's crazy.

[626] She accused me being drunk.

[627] On the show?

[628] Yeah, I was talking to her.

[629] Well, she didn't make any sense.

[630] And so I was saying, I don't understand what you're saying.

[631] She goes, Joe, are you drunk?

[632] And I go, no. She goes, I smell liquor on your breath.

[633] I go, no, you don't.

[634] I'm not drunk.

[635] I was high as fuck, but I wasn't drunk.

[636] That's so bizarre, you know.

[637] I think she just was like Amorosa's out of the picture I'm a step up you think so she could be honestly have we ever seen Tommy Laren and her in the same room because I think she could be Tommy Laren and blackface wow that's how I feel that's rough I mean I think she needs more than blackface I need to change your nose a little bit there's more it's something to your hair it could have been a wick there's a couple of those girls that are like interchangeable like there's Lauren Southern and Tommy Laren I always get them confused oh yeah yeah yeah you're right I don't even I honestly don't even know what Lauren looks like they look similar though blonde hair they're both cute blonde conservatives there's a market for that of course there is because that's not the norm anything that's outside the norm is going to stick out and you're going to be like oh this is trendy now like this is what our this is what our party now is represented by which is you know and they're expecting that they're going to attract like that younger younger demographic the millennials and it is i mean it is working somewhat well it's definitely getting there some attention.

[638] I know.

[639] It's hard to tell what someone really believes and what they want you to believe.

[640] Right.

[641] It's hard to tell.

[642] Like, global warming doesn't exist.

[643] Wow, that one.

[644] See, what that is to me, when she said that, that's indicative of someone who's trying to follow a line.

[645] Like, there's a line that you're supposed to follow if you are a hardcore Republican supporter.

[646] And it's like industry is good.

[647] Big business is good.

[648] Regulation is back.

[649] add, you know, and then the big one is the global warming is a hoax.

[650] Or at least global warming is something that's greatly exaggerated by these environmentalists in order to fund Al Gore's, blah, blah, blah, you know.

[651] Right.

[652] You go down these lines where everybody on the left believes one thing and everybody in all, there's like certain things where you have to believe if you're on the right.

[653] Absolutely.

[654] You have to believe if you're on the left.

[655] Even if it makes you sound bad shit crazy.

[656] Yes.

[657] Like denying facts.

[658] There's a few of those statistics.

[659] Like if you're right wing, you have to be.

[660] be pro -life, pretty much.

[661] There's very few right -wing people that are pro -abortion.

[662] Which is why, isn't that what happened with...

[663] Right.

[664] Isn't that what happened with Tommy Laron, though?

[665] Didn't she lose...

[666] She lost some contract she had.

[667] It may have been with Fox.

[668] I don't remember, but because she came out as saying she was pro -choice.

[669] Yeah.

[670] So, yeah, that was the...

[671] And she suffered.

[672] Yeah.

[673] It's interesting.

[674] It's interesting when it happens.

[675] Like, you're not allowed to have varying opinions or, you know...

[676] Yeah, no. It's like an almost cult -like.

[677] It's very cult -like.

[678] It's definitely a tribe.

[679] I mean, that's essentially what happens.

[680] happens.

[681] I haven't watched that.

[682] My wife's obsessed.

[683] It's, oh yeah, there's a new episode that comes out today.

[684] I got to watch it.

[685] I watched one episode and I was like, this is just too fucked up.

[686] It's too real.

[687] It's too real.

[688] You see the parallels.

[689] Like the kids getting separated from their moms and it's just like, this is literally happening right now.

[690] It's terrifying.

[691] Yeah.

[692] That to me is one of the darker moments of this era, this, the knowledge that thousands of kids get separated from their parents as they cross the board.

[693] They're like, what?

[694] What the fuck or what?

[695] we doing like what and i don't there's no excuses a lot of people i i'm there's a video that i made was just a rant on the podcast about it with my friend duncan you know duncan trussle we've met only a couple times but i don't know him very well but everyone loves him so we did this rant or i did this rant about it and it got made into a video and then all these people are like you know you don't understand the real issue on the border if the real issue on the border separating parents from their kids that's not the real issue you fucking idiot right supposed to be keeping criminals out you think that lady and her baby are criminals.

[696] And it's just, you imagine, I mean, people can't imagine what it would be like to live in Mexico right next to the United States.

[697] You're right there.

[698] You're right there.

[699] You just walk over there and get a job.

[700] You're right there.

[701] And meanwhile, over here, you're fucked.

[702] To a better life.

[703] Right.

[704] Over here, your cousin got killed by the cartel for looking at somebody wrong at a taco stand, you know, and then you just, nobody ever goes to jail for it.

[705] Do you know how many fucking politicians they killed in Mexico this year?

[706] You know the number?

[707] Somebody was just telling me. Yeah.

[708] It's more than 100 this year.

[709] Politicians murdered in Mexico.

[710] That's the go -to place if you're going to murder somebody, right?

[711] Like, it's right there.

[712] And they never investigate anything.

[713] They don't give a fuck.

[714] Yeah.

[715] Here, what's the number, Jamie?

[716] 132 politicians killed this year.

[717] 132?

[718] How do we know this?

[719] Mexico goes to the polls this weekend.

[720] 132 politicians have been killed since campaigning began.

[721] Fuck.

[722] That is crazy.

[723] Record violence.

[724] That's like worse.

[725] And this is all because of us.

[726] This is all because of the drug war.

[727] If we just made drugs legal, there would be none of this going on.

[728] Yeah, this is worse than when Pablo Escobar was out.

[729] Well, Pablo Escobar, it's a very similar situation.

[730] You know, it's all fueled by drug money.

[731] Yeah.

[732] All this is drug money.

[733] I mean, when you make drugs illegal, only criminals are selling drugs, and there's massive amounts of money because people love that cocaine.

[734] They do.

[735] Have you ever tried cocaine?

[736] Never.

[737] Never, me neither.

[738] I've tried.

[739] Yeah, no, I won't.

[740] That's one I won't try.

[741] Like, I prefer, like, I've done shrooms and weed.

[742] And that's it.

[743] How often do you do shrooms?

[744] Not often.

[745] How often you do weed?

[746] I don't even, like, the only weed that I have is given to me. Like, you know, when I'll do, like, when I'll judge roast battle.

[747] And they pay you in weed.

[748] They're like, here's a bag of weed.

[749] And then it takes me, like, years to go through it.

[750] That's how infrequently.

[751] Like, I'll smoke when I'm with, like, friends, but I'm not, I don't drink by myself, and I don't like when I go home like I've had a bottle of liquor a vodka that's been in my freezer over a year now is unopened.

[752] What you're trying to say is you healthy?

[753] I'm very healthy good for you.

[754] I'm very healthy.

[755] When you smoke weed, you ever get paranoid?

[756] This one time I didn't edible, I ate too much.

[757] So you know, Jamar neighbors.

[758] Sure.

[759] A very funny comic.

[760] He gave me an edible one time and this was before like anybody could just walk into a dispensary like because now you just have to show your ID and you can get anything from the dispensary but this is when you had to have a card.

[761] So, He went in and got it for me, and it was this lemon bar that said award -winning on it.

[762] And me being the weed novice, I was like, oh, this is going to be award -winning because of the taste, right?

[763] It's like probably a – I was like, this is like a Paula Dean recipe.

[764] And so I ate like half of it.

[765] And I was by myself, and I woke up – I was laying down and I was in my bed.

[766] And I sat up and I said, am I talking to myself?

[767] I'm not talking to myself.

[768] Oh, my God, I am talking to myself.

[769] I'm not talking to myself.

[770] I am, and I was saying this out loud.

[771] I had to check, I went on my phone to get on Twitter to make sure the world was still happening because I was like, I felt like I was in some weird.

[772] Twilight Zone episode.

[773] Yeah, it was awful.

[774] So I got on there and then I made, I forced myself to go to sleep because I was like, I can't be awake like this.

[775] So I forced myself to go to sleep.

[776] I woke up the next morning I was still high for like five more hours.

[777] It was awful.

[778] Yeah, I gave my friend.

[779] edible and he called me up a day later.

[780] He said, I'm still high.

[781] A day later.

[782] If you don't know what you're doing with it, because I had a conversation with someone else the other day and they were like, I ate four rice, crispy treats.

[783] And I was like, why would you eat four of them?

[784] He called the cops.

[785] He called the cops and then checked himself, like went to a hospital because he thought he was dying.

[786] Do you ever see the one where it was a 911 call?

[787] The cops took weed from these people.

[788] They pulled them over.

[789] And then the cops used the weed to make pot brownies.

[790] And then they ate the pot brownies.

[791] And they called 9 -1 on themselves.

[792] They called for an ambulance.

[793] They said they were dying.

[794] Please send help.

[795] Time's moving very slowly.

[796] But what's hilarious is it's a fucking 911 call from a cop.

[797] From a cop.

[798] And the cop is calling to get an ambulance because he's saying the time is moving slowly.

[799] They stole the weed from these fucking kids that they pulled over.

[800] The whole thing is just, it's brilliant.

[801] It's so funny.

[802] Oh.

[803] Drugs, man. It's one of my all -time favorite 911.

[804] calls because it's just so stupid.

[805] It's on YouTube?

[806] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[807] Yeah.

[808] You're like, can you, can you please send help?

[809] Time's moving very slowly.

[810] Want to play it?

[811] I was looking up an article about it.

[812] The cop had to, he resigned before he got in trouble for taking the weed and be using it.

[813] So he quit.

[814] Yeah, that's a probably good move on his part.

[815] I mean, you're kind of, at that point you kind of have to.

[816] Yeah, he called 911 and we're talking about on a podcast years later.

[817] Everybody's heard that.

[818] Yeah, well, I didn't.

[819] You never, that five, I guarantee the video has probably been played a million times easily more than a million do you have it Jamie yeah I just I found this a shorter version okay listen to this poor fucked just think about this to save marijuana I don't know if it had something in it can you please and rescue do you guys have fever anything no I'm just I think we're dying how much did you guys have I don't know we made brownies and I think we're dead time is going by I think we're dead.

[820] Really, really, really slow.

[821] Look at the lady laughing.

[822] See, pot is something that even when you're having an overdose, people laugh at you.

[823] Because nobody dies.

[824] No one ever dies.

[825] And she's on the news.

[826] Those are the stiffest fucking people on the planet.

[827] You ever meet a real newscaster in real life?

[828] Once.

[829] They walk around like this.

[830] Once.

[831] They walk around like robots.

[832] Like robots?

[833] Yeah, they're like, hello.

[834] How are you?

[835] Oh, that's great.

[836] That's wonderful.

[837] They're always scared to say something wrong.

[838] It's interesting, like, because we're all kind of in the, you know, that's considered entertainment.

[839] You know, they're on television.

[840] They're, you know, in front of a camera.

[841] They're not entertainers.

[842] They're just readers.

[843] Is that what it is?

[844] It's like people who don't have enough personality.

[845] They have zero personality.

[846] That's the whole thing.

[847] If you have any personality, they kick you off the air.

[848] Yeah.

[849] The only thing you can have is you could be one of those weather girls with a big ass.

[850] It's a few of those.

[851] I did note, they got fat boobs, too.

[852] It's not just the asses.

[853] It's everything.

[854] I noticed that.

[855] That was the first thing when I moved out to L .A. That was one of the first things I noticed with the L .A. Weather people or the weather women.

[856] I was like, they are hot.

[857] Hot as fun.

[858] They didn't have this back in Cincinnati.

[859] Yeah.

[860] High heels.

[861] Short skirts.

[862] Talking about tornadoes and shit.

[863] Sticking their ass out.

[864] Pointing to weather patterns.

[865] Yeah, there's one, I think it's South America.

[866] This is one famous lady.

[867] She's like a famous weather cast.

[868] She's like one of the hottest women on the planet, tiny little weight.

[869] giant ass, big tits.

[870] She probably wears a waist trainer.

[871] Mate, what are you hating on her?

[872] Yeah, because I hate waist trainers.

[873] Bobby Lee bought me one.

[874] Bobby Lee, bought you a waist trainer?

[875] You know, he takes me on the road with him sometimes.

[876] And one time we were in like a CBS, and I jokingly picked it up.

[877] And I was like, Bobby, buy me this.

[878] And he did.

[879] And it was like $13.

[880] But no, I still have it.

[881] I never tried it.

[882] But they're terrifying.

[883] They like, they're corsets.

[884] Yeah.

[885] You know, I've read articles that you say you're not supposed to wear these things because it binds.

[886] It's bad for your organs, right?

[887] It moves your organs around.

[888] The Kardashians wear them.

[889] Do they?

[890] Yeah, so that's why I'm like, I'm not going to be happy and promote that for women, hurting ourselves to look good.

[891] What's a weird look, too?

[892] I'd rather have a thick waist than have a kidney in my neck.

[893] Like a big old, like a farm worker waste.

[894] Yeah, well, not, okay.

[895] Someone who can pick things up.

[896] Calm down.

[897] Someone who carries hay.

[898] I do have a, I'm like an athletic build, so I don't have a tiny waist.

[899] Does that bother you?

[900] No, it doesn't bother me. I like my body.

[901] You should.

[902] Is it good?

[903] He looks great.

[904] You look great.

[905] Jesus.

[906] This is a conversation I never get into a guys.

[907] I like my body.

[908] Like, dude, you look good.

[909] Tell me you like my body, Joe.

[910] Say it, bro.

[911] I look good, bro.

[912] Am I okay?

[913] Am I okay?

[914] I got kind of a thick waist, though.

[915] Don't I?

[916] No, you look good, bro.

[917] I'm allowed to say have a thick waist.

[918] You're not allowed to say it.

[919] I can say it.

[920] You can't say it.

[921] Girl can have thick thighs.

[922] And a thick ass.

[923] But even so, like, women, we can say that, and we know that men, some men, or a lot of men like it.

[924] But being called thick never makes us feel good about ourselves.

[925] Even if, even if we know that men like it, it still makes it.

[926] The back of our head, we're like, does he mean I'm fat?

[927] What's all this we shit?

[928] There's guaranteed these girls out there that like being thick.

[929] Yeah, of course.

[930] Like being called thick.

[931] Of course.

[932] But you're saying we.

[933] But a lot of women.

[934] Women that are exactly like you.

[935] with other women that have been like oh look I used to be when I was in high school I was probably 20 25 pounds heavier than what I am right now what were you eating other high school kids lots of carbs lots of carbs lot I didn't know how to eat properly because so there was a whole low fat craze you remember this yes when snack wells was popping remember that and they they were like no no fat high fat is bad so they started doing low fat everything but then they replaced the fat with sugar so it would taste palatable you know because if you take the fat out the flavor's going.

[936] So like how do we get the flavor back?

[937] So they put a bunch of sugar and stuff.

[938] So you're eating like, thinking, oh, it's low fat.

[939] I would come home and eat like a bag of like low fat pretzels.

[940] Like a bag of those Snyders of Hanover.

[941] A bag, a big one of those big ones and be like, why am I gaining weight?

[942] Because I didn't know.

[943] I thought low fat meant, oh, I would, it's low fat.

[944] It means no fat.

[945] There's so much of that.

[946] There's so many of those low fat items that's way worse for you.

[947] Yeah.

[948] I don't even, I mean, our people, I don't even think that's a thing.

[949] Now it's gluten -free.

[950] Gluten free is what's popular.

[951] Gluten free and what's the other thing?

[952] I can't think.

[953] There's another thing that's kind of trending right now, but it's not just gluten.

[954] Ketogenic diets.

[955] Is that what you're talking about?

[956] No. I don't know what I'm thinking about.

[957] I literally had a brain fart, but there is something else.

[958] Maybe paleo.

[959] A new trendy thing.

[960] Yeah, but it's all like nobody knows what the repercussions of any of these things are.

[961] Like paleo might be good for temporary, but in the long term we don't know the damage it's going to be doing well paleo is real simple it's not going to do any damage paleo is just real food paleo just means no grain and no rice that's all it means it just no preservatives no artificial flavors no artificial colors just meat chicken fish vegetables meat chicken fish vegetables there's nothing wrong with that there's not you don't have to worry about that right right right right like this is going to be like like the low fat trend that's a normal thing for people to eat you said fruits too they can do fruits yeah Okay, yeah, that's fine.

[962] Paleo and can eat fruits.

[963] Look, there's people that eat carnivore diet.

[964] This is the more most recent one where they only eat meat.

[965] No. No. No, that's not good.

[966] How do you know?

[967] That's not good.

[968] I have a friend with pretty severe autoimmune disease.

[969] Yeah.

[970] And it's gone because of eating only carnivore diet.

[971] His daughter had her hip replaced and her ankle replaced.

[972] She has terrible arthritis with carnivore diet gone.

[973] Some people have a really adverse reaction to carbohydrates.

[974] But no fruits and vegetables?

[975] Nope.

[976] Nope.

[977] He's not eating anything, and he's been doing, he's a professor.

[978] Yeah, brilliant guy.

[979] What's his cholesterol look like?

[980] That's the thing.

[981] See, people say things like that, like you just said that.

[982] That's not where cholesterol comes from.

[983] Dietary cholesterol doesn't have any impact on blood lipids.

[984] It doesn't have any impact on your blood cholesterol.

[985] This is where cholesterol is bad, when you have cholesterol and high carbohydrates.

[986] Oh, okay.

[987] When your body is burning a lot of carbohydrates, your body is in fat storing mode.

[988] So if you eat a bunch of fat and carbohydrates, you're just going to get fat as fuck.

[989] Right.

[990] But if you do just the animal fat, then your body loses weight, believe it or not.

[991] You actually get slim.

[992] Yeah, no, I know about that part, but I didn't know the cholesterol part.

[993] Yeah, you're not, if you are, this is one of the important thing for people.

[994] If you are on a high fat, low carb diet, you cannot eat large amounts of carbohydrates.

[995] Because if you do, it's just going to go right to fat.

[996] Because your body just is not, your body's confused.

[997] Well, it's going to burn the carbohydrates, and it's going to take all the fat you take in and just store it.

[998] So you're just going to get fat as fuck.

[999] Well, with all this body positivity, how do you know that's not what I want?

[1000] That you want to get fat?

[1001] Do you think so?

[1002] So I can be body positive.

[1003] Body positive.

[1004] Is that what that is?

[1005] It's just embrace the fatness.

[1006] It's literally just being like if you're fat, love your body.

[1007] And that's fine.

[1008] Like, you can be fat and love your body.

[1009] But it's also promoting, you know, unhealthy behaviors, I think also.

[1010] And we need to distinguish between the two.

[1011] Well, we want to give people a free pass by saying be body positive.

[1012] Yeah.

[1013] You know, don't fat shame.

[1014] Right.

[1015] Like, leave people be.

[1016] I have a black belt and fat shaming.

[1017] Are you good at it?

[1018] I'm kidding.

[1019] No, you do taekwondo?

[1020] I do fat shaming.

[1021] Wow.

[1022] Go to a dojo.

[1023] Look at you a slob.

[1024] Fat, stinky armpits.

[1025] It used to be easy to fat shame.

[1026] Now people are super upset about it.

[1027] Yeah, no, I know.

[1028] I'm not sure he was right.

[1029] Really not Well, it's not right But I mean, you shouldn't make fun of somebody For the way they look You know, I don't think that's You shouldn't.

[1030] But we shouldn't be promoting An unhealthy lifestyle That too And also, like Tom Segura said That like people making fun of his weight Is the reason why he lost weight He's like fat shaming was very effective on me Yeah He lost the weight because people were fat shaming him Yeah A lot of behaviors A lot of behaviors are because you felt shame And we're in a society Where like There is no shame anymore There's no shame.

[1031] With anything.

[1032] I know people that are like proud of their alcoholism.

[1033] Yeah?

[1034] I've heard people bragging about DUIs.

[1035] What?

[1036] I'm not kidding.

[1037] You're hanging around the wrong people.

[1038] They're not my friends.

[1039] Okay.

[1040] I just have heard it.

[1041] So do you think that that's an escape clause?

[1042] Like they're just like they're giving themselves an out.

[1043] Like I love being an alcoholic.

[1044] Fuck it.

[1045] Yeah.

[1046] I think to them it's because of we're accepting everything now.

[1047] That it's just like it's a, it's just fun behavior.

[1048] like I'm fun when I'm drunk and it's just and that's fine you can be fun but also you know there's ubers take a lift why are you driving that's the problem yeah especially today there's no excuse for that especially in Hollywood I mean that fucking comedy store parking lot you can't get out of it because it's always jammed up the lifts and ubers yep which is great but also it is annoying it's annoying it's annoying but it's great that people are taking to have somebody drive them around right still the whole thing about ubers is like how much background check are they doing on those freaks yeah no i'm i'm positive i've gotten in a lift driver who's or uber driver because i don't i used to do uber and then but they suck so i started doing doing left but yeah i'm sure i got in an uber at one point where somebody was drunker than i was let me let me get this yeah they're not checking them right no not at all not at all i just i don't know i feel like being because you don't drink at all do you i drink you do drink okay i just feel like Like, I have such a non -addictive personality, and I feel that most people are addicted to things.

[1049] Hmm.

[1050] And that's why it's also tough for me, like, uh, dating also.

[1051] It's because I know, I see, I know that a lot of people that I have, you know, been on dates with or whatever, it's like, oh, this lifestyle is not conducive to what I'm trying to do.

[1052] So we just don't click in that way.

[1053] Because you find you go on dates with guys who are getting fucked up a lot?

[1054] Yeah, like a lot.

[1055] A lot.

[1056] So much so.

[1057] Weekend.

[1058] Woo.

[1059] Weekend.

[1060] Nights.

[1061] Yeah.

[1062] Week nights.

[1063] Any day.

[1064] Is it Tuesday?

[1065] Woo.

[1066] Why am I not drunk yet?

[1067] Right.

[1068] So, yeah, I actually, the last app that I got on was like a, it's, it's called Meat Mindful.

[1069] Because I wanted to, like, find people who were.

[1070] Yeah.

[1071] Somebody who is just more present and maybe likes themselves a little bit more so they don't have to get drunk all the time to be with themselves.

[1072] Yeah.

[1073] How'd that work out?

[1074] Well, they were like, you got to pay $30 a month.

[1075] And I was like, maybe I'm not looking for love right now.

[1076] I paid before for, like, E -Harmony.

[1077] That's what I paid for that one.

[1078] I paid almost $200 for that one.

[1079] How would that work out?

[1080] Terribly.

[1081] And that's why I'm hesitant to pay again, because I got nothing.

[1082] I got literally nothing from that.

[1083] So I'm like, I feel like.

[1084] That doesn't make any sense.

[1085] I thought E -Harmony, like, instantly find the love of your dreams.

[1086] And then you sit down with them on a couch and they do a video with you.

[1087] Joe, I knew that as soon as I met Candace, she was the one.

[1088] I was on there for over a year.

[1089] What?

[1090] I called customer service.

[1091] and complained.

[1092] What'd you say?

[1093] Where's my dick?

[1094] Yeah, where am I dick at?

[1095] You promise me dick by month three.

[1096] Oh, I get a refund.

[1097] You know, I called and I said I would like a refund.

[1098] She was like, why?

[1099] And I said, these dudes are like fours, like all of them and below.

[1100] They were just all of them were like the worst looking people I had ever seen.

[1101] And she was like, you have so many messages that you haven't responded to.

[1102] I said, did you not hear my first complaint?

[1103] Like, I'm not going to respond to any of these dudes.

[1104] They were terrible looking.

[1105] And not just, not just like physically, but just like the photo, like terrifying looking.

[1106] Like, serial killers, like don't know, like pictures of just forehead.

[1107] You don't even take a picture properly.

[1108] The dating app world's got to be fucking weird.

[1109] No, you're so lucky.

[1110] I know several people that are in the dating app world.

[1111] You're so lucky.

[1112] Tell me about it.

[1113] They're swiping right all at Tom, swiping left.

[1114] It's awful.

[1115] Which one do you swipe white if you like them?

[1116] Do you say swipe white?

[1117] Right.

[1118] You racist, mother.

[1119] How dare you?

[1120] There was a phase where I was swiping white.

[1121] It didn't work out.

[1122] No, I've only, I've dated a couple of white dudes in my life, barely.

[1123] Barely.

[1124] Yeah.

[1125] One of them, I think, was gay.

[1126] Another one is a pathological liar.

[1127] I've dated two gay dudes, I think.

[1128] So out of your study group, White people are gay and pathological liars.

[1129] Yes.

[1130] And that's it.

[1131] There's nothing else.

[1132] Or the two are not mutually exclusive.

[1133] You could be gay and a pathological liar.

[1134] Yeah, I'm sure.

[1135] I'm sure it's possible.

[1136] Yeah.

[1137] You can have that combination.

[1138] Joe set me up with one of your friends.

[1139] Okay.

[1140] I'll try to find somebody for you.

[1141] Serious?

[1142] Yeah.

[1143] I'll try to find somebody.

[1144] Really?

[1145] Yeah.

[1146] Why?

[1147] You're saying it like...

[1148] Not a like MMA person.

[1149] Oh, you don't want to...

[1150] Well, how come?

[1151] I don't think I could handle that.

[1152] It's a lot of muscles You don't like muscles?

[1153] Not that much Okay What do you want?

[1154] Do you want to do the works out like once a week?

[1155] Yeah Twice, maybe twice?

[1156] Maybe twice?

[1157] Maybe twice, but doesn't go crazy?

[1158] Let's not go crazy No one who gets up in the morning and runs early I mean they can do that Psychos I'll be meditating while he's running So that's fine That'll work out Yeah Yeah, but I just don't want someone who like Might be on steroids Oh, might be Might be.

[1159] Might be.

[1160] Okay I'll keep it in mind It's got to be hard Like when you fill out one of them E -Harmony things What do you have to write?

[1161] You write what your occupation is What you're looking for?

[1162] What do you write what you're looking for?

[1163] Do you ever write?

[1164] I'm just looking for a dick No Do you write I'm looking for a meaningful relationship With the person of my dreams Women already have to swat the dicks away Without writing I'm looking for dick Swat Swat You walk outside And it's like dicks Get out of here Dix Dicks No So yeah no you can't write that And if I wanted that I'd be on Tinder You know Oh is Tinder to move If you just want some dick you're so lucky you don't know about any of this Tinder is the dick app So if you just want some dick Yeah Tinder's the way to go And even Bumble is kind of turning into that Do you think that I don't know what Bumble is a new one?

[1165] It's not new anymore A newer one is coffee meets bagel I was on that one for a minute I was reading this thing that said that there's a spread This was It made me angry It said is Tinder and Grindr Are they responsible in any way For the spread of STDs from their apps?

[1166] Of course No they're not Of course they are.

[1167] They don't owe a goddamn thing to those horny freaks sticking their dicks Absolutely.

[1168] Like they're not They shouldn't be sued Like that's ridiculous But they're saying Should they take responsibility?

[1169] Take responsibility no But I guarantee That more people are hooking up Because of this things Right These apps And doing it Unsafely So what?

[1170] That's not any skin off their back No I know No I know I'm just But it's a weird time Where like people are getting In trouble For things that other people are doing Yeah absolutely Like you want people to be responsible.

[1171] No one's taking personal responsibility for their own mistakes.

[1172] Like, yeah, put a condom on.

[1173] What are you talking?

[1174] When are you done?

[1175] Yeah.

[1176] I've heard stories about, like, gay dudes, man, they are so trifling.

[1177] My friend, a gay dude, was telling me about what the behavior in gay, in gay gyms, how like they have in the shower, there's a signal so that if you want somebody to come up in there and just ram you.

[1178] Send it home.

[1179] Yeah, you leave the curtain partially open, And then that's kind of like a signal to be like, okay, if you want to come up in here and get some, you can.

[1180] And I was talking to a friend.

[1181] I was like, what if you didn't know that rule and you accidentally leave the curtain open just because you didn't close it properly?

[1182] Jesus.

[1183] And all of a sudden, some dude is.

[1184] Well, every time I've been in gyms around gay people.

[1185] I used to belong to Gold Gym on Cole.

[1186] It's in, you know, in West Hollywood.

[1187] And that's where we used to film news radio right down the street from that.

[1188] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[1189] So that was the gym that I worked out.

[1190] It's a gay disco.

[1191] That gym is a goddamn gay disco.

[1192] And when I would go there, not that's anything wrong with that, but when I would go there, it was, you'd get that feeling that a girl gets all the time.

[1193] You're terrified.

[1194] Well, yeah.

[1195] Like all these eyes on me. Someone trying to fuck you.

[1196] I feel like girls hitting on you is like if you want, you can come over here.

[1197] Guys hitting on you is like, if you want, I'll come over there.

[1198] It's a different feeling.

[1199] You sounded like Michael Jackson right there.

[1200] Did I?

[1201] Michael Jackson when he's not using his falsetto voice.

[1202] But it's an uncomfortable feeling knowing that guys want to fuck you.

[1203] Like I couldn't imagine being a girl just trying to navigate my way through dudes.

[1204] It's terrifying.

[1205] Swatting dicks away.

[1206] Swatting them.

[1207] Swat 'em.

[1208] Yeah, no. Crack.

[1209] Having peeping times at your windows.

[1210] It's a scary world out there.

[1211] Hey, go ahead and swat that pussy.

[1212] Yeah.

[1213] So your neighbor when they found that guy, was he hot?

[1214] No. I still don't know.

[1215] What if he was?

[1216] and he said, I'm sorry.

[1217] You're going to be at my window.

[1218] Hey, girl.

[1219] I'm fucked up.

[1220] I'm sorry.

[1221] I came off from the club.

[1222] I was a little drunk.

[1223] I've always had this thing for you.

[1224] I can't believe I was whispering.

[1225] Hey, your pussy.

[1226] It's disrespectful.

[1227] I apologize.

[1228] Well, if he says it like that.

[1229] If you like me to take you out for drinks and just we'll make up to you.

[1230] I'm so sorry.

[1231] I'm so sorry.

[1232] Well, you know, you put it like that.

[1233] Who am I to turn down?

[1234] Here's my e -harmony profile.

[1235] I don't know.

[1236] The terrifying part is that I don't know who it was.

[1237] And it could have been, it could be someone I know.

[1238] And even the way my neighbors described him was that it actually, the way they described him did describe someone that I know and consider a friend.

[1239] Oh.

[1240] But then when I showed my neighbor the picture of the person I was talking about, they were like, no, I don't think that's him.

[1241] But still, now in the back of my head, I'm like, what if it was?

[1242] So now my friendship with this person has been a little strained because of it because I'm like, I don't trust you.

[1243] Whoa.

[1244] I know.

[1245] It's weird.

[1246] That is weird.

[1247] That's the life of a girl.

[1248] women have to worry about shit the guys don't have to worry about I know so many things yeah there are no girls outside your window whispering well they are but it's because you dated them before and you wrong them and you cheated on them or did something and now she's stalking you or you found out they're crazy and they know where you live now yeah I love I'm very interested in all of like relationship behavior and like crimes of passion I like all of it I'm very into it.

[1249] Like those A &E shows?

[1250] Yeah, A &E are like snapped on oxygen.

[1251] Have you ever seen that?

[1252] When people snap?

[1253] Yes, mostly women.

[1254] It's mostly women.

[1255] Sometimes it's the man. Of course, it's oxygen.

[1256] It is oxygen.

[1257] That's the women's channel, right?

[1258] Absolutely.

[1259] Yeah, that lifetime.

[1260] Why is oxygen a women's channel?

[1261] I don't know.

[1262] I don't know.

[1263] Yeah, so everybody needs that.

[1264] I don't know.

[1265] But yeah, we were, I was watching snapped.

[1266] I watch it, not so much anymore, but it's been on for a long time.

[1267] but every episode is like a different couple and the woman is just like can't put up with the shit anymore like her dude's cheating on her or like taking her money or abusing her or whatever and then she snaps and she kills him.

[1268] Well you always there's always a spoiler alert for every show you know where it's going to go.

[1269] You know right it's like and she just couldn't take it anymore.

[1270] It's in the title gee when she's going to snap and then finally Dick flying across the That's my only thing I don't want to be a victim of a crime of passion Just don't, you know Just break up with me You don't have to kill me Yeah I hear you That's a reasonable request What's the craziest thing What's the craziest thing A girlfriend has ever done to you?

[1271] Have you gotten your car keyed before?

[1272] No No I've been pretty good At navigating those waters I've got a pretty good crazy radar Oh yeah The problem is when they're really hot and they're really hot and they're also crazy like damn this might be worth the risk that's usually what i guess i don't know if you've seen this it was on a it was a youtube clip and the guy drew a chart and it was like a chart of crazy to hotness yeah and it's it's like all all the hot chicks are always crazy and so you have to and it basically tells you in what range you have to find the normal woman my friend tony zara my friend tony zara has it best he's got uh he said that there's like erotic and neurotic and they cross over like a Venn diagram they hit this they hit this cross over they're like they're two interchangeable things completely closely related psychotic neurotic and erotic they're all together and if you get the really erotic women they're almost always psychotic or neurotic or crazy there's just something wrong yeah red flags the really fun ones they're just the ones that really want to rock your world they're crazy I've heard that and so if you're wondering I'm very normal in case you're wondering again my parents loved me which means I don't do anal good point that is a weird thing right if your parents love you too much you might not be as ambitious I mean that is true like I wish I told it like I think I'm definitely ambitious Like, I'm definitely, you know, I've been doing this for like, like, 10 years now.

[1273] And it's like, I have come so far.

[1274] So it's like, yeah, no, I definitely have goals and I'm achieving them.

[1275] But it's also, I'm also not like, what we were talking about earlier, like the CEOs of these corporations.

[1276] Like, I don't have that kind of drive.

[1277] Like, I just want to do what I love and make good money doing it.

[1278] You've been doing a little stand up for 10 years?

[1279] Yeah.

[1280] Where'd you start?

[1281] Here.

[1282] At the store?

[1283] Not store, but like in L .A. I started the first place I got up, you know, doing open.

[1284] mics and stuff but I didn't want to go to the store at first because I was like I don't want to go there if I'm not funny yet right then who knows going to see me and they're going to be like oh she's not funny when did you get past the store like December of 2014 so almost 2015 oh so that was right when I came back yes it was right when you came back because that was right I was the first me and Earl Skakel were the first people that Adam passed when he got promoted to that position wow yeah because yeah I don't know if Tommy was ever going to pass me I don't know I know so so when yeah when I came back I got to see like the whole new crop there was a whole new crop of people in the seven years that I was gone was it seven years yeah I was gone for seven years I thought I'd be gone forever if Adam if Tommy didn't get fired and Adam didn't take over I would still been which is that was the dumbest thing well the dumbest decision for me it was a good decision it was good it was healthy to get away from the store for a little bit yeah sort of changed my comedy made a little less evil It was cathartic for you, yeah.

[1285] That place is so harsh.

[1286] But haven't you noticed that the energy has changed since Adam has taken over?

[1287] It's a completely different place.

[1288] It's a different place without Tommy.

[1289] It's a different place just because of the vibe of the comedy store is now also fortified by the internet.

[1290] It's like people who love the place because it's this iconic historical landmark.

[1291] It's like the mecca of comedy.

[1292] Yeah.

[1293] It really is the mecca.

[1294] It's the best club in the country.

[1295] Now it's the real.

[1296] Mecca.

[1297] When I was a kid, when I was first starting out, I had heard about the comedy store, you know, because Sam Kinnison started out there.

[1298] And Richard Pryor was always there.

[1299] And I, like, that was the place.

[1300] I needed to go to the comedy store.

[1301] When I came out here, I was already on a sitcom.

[1302] And I didn't get past at the store.

[1303] I was a non -paid regular.

[1304] So I was able to go on at the end of the shows when I first got here.

[1305] When I got past as a paid regular, it was like the happiest moment of my life.

[1306] I was like, holy shit.

[1307] I'm a paid regular at the comedy store.

[1308] Like, that, to me, was bigger than being on a television show.

[1309] No, I know.

[1310] I'm here.

[1311] But back then, the comedy store was a ghost town.

[1312] Yeah.

[1313] It was deserted.

[1314] It was no one there.

[1315] You'd go on a Friday night to be 30 people in the audience.

[1316] It was just gross.

[1317] And there was a lot of boat acts still floating around.

[1318] Yeah, yeah.

[1319] It's like something happened between, in the Kinnison Age, right?

[1320] Kinnison Age was like 84 to 87, 88.

[1321] And in that time, that guy was just running rampant and destroying.

[1322] And he was a maniac, right?

[1323] And he was the top of the world.

[1324] And then he dropped off and then he died.

[1325] And then when he died, that place was a ghost town.

[1326] So I came along right after he died.

[1327] I came along in 94.

[1328] And there was no one there.

[1329] So it went from being this jam -packed.

[1330] Like, I always hear, like, all these celebrities come to see Kinnis and do spots late at 9 to be like, whoa, that must have been nuts.

[1331] Yeah, John Belushi'd be there and Jack Nicholson and all these different people.

[1332] And then you go there.

[1333] I don't know if it was John Belushi.

[1334] He was probably dead by then.

[1335] Did John Blushy die?

[1336] He died in 82?

[1337] Yeah, he died earlier than that.

[1338] Yeah.

[1339] I should have said John Blushy.

[1340] I might have made that up.

[1341] But I know Jack Nicholson, a bunch of other celebrities to go to see Kinnison.

[1342] And I remember thinking, man, nobody famous comes here now.

[1343] Yeah.

[1344] This plays a shit hole.

[1345] Yeah.

[1346] It's like there's nobody there.

[1347] But it's different now.

[1348] Now it's hopping.

[1349] It's amazing now.

[1350] No, it's every show sold out.

[1351] Every show.

[1352] Every show.

[1353] It's nuts.

[1354] Last night was crazy.

[1355] Yeah, no. I was thinking, that the other day.

[1356] It was like, what a time for me to be, like, a regular at the store.

[1357] Like, it just happened at the perfect time.

[1358] Like, it just, because I know so many people that were, like, were door guys back when, like, and I've heard stories.

[1359] Like, Bobby would tell me stories from when he used to work there and, like, Freddie Lockhart and when they were, like, door guys.

[1360] And I'm like, wow, that place sounds so shitty.

[1361] And, like, what they were getting paid.

[1362] They were getting paid, like, $25 for the day.

[1363] Yeah.

[1364] And I was like, and it sounds awful.

[1365] Yeah.

[1366] I met Bobby who's a door guy at the La Jolla store.

[1367] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1368] When I met Bobby, he was like 1994 or some shit like that.

[1369] We went to a strip club and he almost got killed.

[1370] What?

[1371] Yeah.

[1372] I mean, that sounds about right.

[1373] At first I'm like, what?

[1374] He was hitting on some girl.

[1375] And apparently she was dating some Mexican gangbanger.

[1376] And this guy who had long black hair and tattoos on his face in the 90s.

[1377] In the 90s, he had tattoos on his face.

[1378] It wasn't even popular back then He was looking over at me And they're talking to his friends I go, we are getting the fuck out of here I think Jimmy Schubert was with me He was me and Jimmy Schubert and Bobby Lee I go we're getting the fuck out of here And Bobby's like Those guys aren't gonna do shit I go I will fucking leave you I go you don't have any idea What danger is I go those guys are gonna do something And you can fight I wasn't worried about fighting I was worried about getting shot I was like this is They were gonna murder I'm like this is a bad scene dude We gotta get out of here now.

[1379] And Bobby's like, those guys ain't going to do shit.

[1380] I'm like, who is this guy?

[1381] You were the smallest person here.

[1382] Well, he was, you know, 21 years old or whatever the fuck he was.

[1383] He was out of his mind.

[1384] He was a child.

[1385] I mean, he's still childlike in many ways, but yes.

[1386] In all ways.

[1387] Name one way or he's a man. I tell his girlfriend all the time.

[1388] I was like, you're the most patient woman in the world to deal with him.

[1389] Yeah, that's an odd couple.

[1390] It's a very odd couple.

[1391] It seems to work, though.

[1392] They've been together for a while.

[1393] They love each other.

[1394] It's insane.

[1395] And, and they they met on Tinder.

[1396] Capao.

[1397] It worked.

[1398] I know two people.

[1399] I said it worked and you went.

[1400] Because I know two people that it worked for.

[1401] Them and also I know a couple I was getting married this weekend who met on Tinder.

[1402] Well, there you go.

[1403] Maybe it's just you.

[1404] That's four people.

[1405] Maybe it's just you.

[1406] Maybe you need to give Tinder a second chance.

[1407] I know for sure it is me because I refuse to settle.

[1408] I know for sure it is me. How do you think using your vision board and all of your manifesting, how can you just...

[1409] Put some dick on my vision board.

[1410] How can you get someone in your life that you need to?

[1411] in your life.

[1412] How can you do this?

[1413] I honestly, honestly, honestly, honestly, honestly.

[1414] Every time I think of your name, I think of Tyrone Giggums and Fearfax.

[1415] I don't know if you know this about me Joe Rogger.

[1416] I mean, I smoke rocks.

[1417] I think that was my first.

[1418] I mean, I knew you from Fear Factor, but I also, that was a huge, you know, for me before I even knew I'd be doing stand -up when I'm watching the Chappelle show.

[1419] And I just remember, it makes me laugh so much, Joe Rogan.

[1420] My feet are strong.

[1421] That was a great character.

[1422] have tried to do crack impressions like crackhead impressions for jokes before and I can't because every time I try to do an original crackhead impression like just from my own you know inspiration and from watching like other like real crackheads I can't do it because the default crackhead is now Tyrone Biggams and it just and I'm like I can't do it because I can't do Tyrone Biggams on stage.

[1423] There's certain people that create characters that forever They're iconic.

[1424] Yeah that that's the crackhead for the rest of For the rest of time.

[1425] Yeah.

[1426] Isn't it amazing that that show was only two seasons?

[1427] That's what's amazing.

[1428] And that it was 15 years ago.

[1429] And even more amazing than he just said, fuck it and left.

[1430] And left.

[1431] Yeah.

[1432] Sorry.

[1433] Got to go.

[1434] Yeah.

[1435] I mean, I get it, though.

[1436] I get it.

[1437] I get it.

[1438] I was on Comedy Central at the time.

[1439] And I saw, like, the management and how it was working there.

[1440] It was chaos.

[1441] And whenever you tell people that aren't funny that are executives, tell them to manage funny, they don't know what the fuck they're doing.

[1442] They have no idea.

[1443] Let Dave Chappelle be Dave Chappelle.

[1444] Trust me, he's going to make the most funny.

[1445] Let him and Neil Brennan figure out what they're doing and just get out the way.

[1446] Get out of the way and put ads on it.

[1447] Yeah.

[1448] And you saw the success of what had happened with what they did with that control.

[1449] Yeah, you know, they tried to do a bunch of shit with him.

[1450] They tried to, first of all, they tried to get him a change his language, stop using the N -word.

[1451] They want them to stop using it because they would get more ads.

[1452] Yeah.

[1453] It was all about people not comfortable with advertising with certain kind of sketches, so they wanted to maximize their profits.

[1454] So tone down the show a little, maximize their profits, and Dave was like, I see where this is going.

[1455] Yeah, yeah, and then it was complete control.

[1456] He just quit.

[1457] Yeah.

[1458] Imagine the executives when they found that he was really quitting.

[1459] They were like, what?

[1460] He's just joshing.

[1461] Yeah, they're probably, what?

[1462] He's just bluffing.

[1463] Yeah, he doesn't like the way you guys are shaping the show.

[1464] So he's going to quit, and he's in Africa now.

[1465] Bye.

[1466] Click.

[1467] But we were just going to make $180 million.

[1468] But we were just going to make $180 million.

[1469] No, Dave just quit.

[1470] Oh, you guys blew it.

[1471] You know, people don't remember, but for a while, Dave was doing shows and he wasn't getting paid.

[1472] He wouldn't do shows where he got paid.

[1473] He would show up in the park.

[1474] He showed up in Seattle.

[1475] like a big deal.

[1476] He put up a speaker.

[1477] He put up his own PA system and started doing stand -up in the park and a crowd gathered around.

[1478] Of course.

[1479] And that's what he would do.

[1480] He would just show up places and start doing stand -up.

[1481] That's crazy.

[1482] That's what he did.

[1483] You know what I met Dave?

[1484] I met Dave.

[1485] He was like, I was like 18, something like that.

[1486] Or maybe I was a little older.

[1487] Maybe I was like 24 and he was 18.

[1488] And he would do like he would do shows outside.

[1489] Like we would do a gig.

[1490] We did a gig of Montreal.

[1491] And then after we did the gig of Montreal, we came downstairs outside of Club Soda.

[1492] And he just started doing stand -up on the street.

[1493] He goes, ladies and gentlemen, gather around.

[1494] I got some shit to tell you.

[1495] And then he would start doing stand -up on the street.

[1496] And he learned it from Charlie Burnett.

[1497] Charlie Barnett, who was, he was like an old -school New York character who did a lot of street comedy.

[1498] Didn't we have a video of Charlie Barnett?

[1499] There's one online he would do yeah like this is what he would do Charlie Barnett would do comedy like this like he got these giant crowds and would walk around like a park and get everybody gather around and he was such a showman that people would just sit and wait and he would do stand -up here it is in Washington Square Park that's insane.

[1500] No Mike.

[1501] We're in the village I love the village we got a nice mixed crowd I mean look what we got we got white folks we got black folks We got Puerto Ricans We got Puerto Ricans Puerto Ricans We got a lot of fucking Puerto Ricans But I'm not going to fuck with the Puerto Ricans Because y 'all born with knives You cut me up and I won't even know what you're saying He would do this This is how he would do his stana He would yell it out in the park I got a chance to see him a couple He died of AIDS Like somewhere I think it was in the early 90s he died but I got to see him That's when people were dying of AIDS Yeah, back when AIDS would kill you Yeah, now AIDS is like the flu Yeah, it's like everybody got it Yeah, don't whine if you got AIDS My uncle's got leukemia Yeah They don't even have medication for that bro But Charlie Burnett Influence Dave And Dave would do that kind of stand -up You know, Dave would just do stand -up In front of a club He would just just get And people would just gather around And watch him and I remember thinking like wow that's not really me I can never do that but man that kind of detachment to be able to just be free in front of a crowd like that that's powerful and you know we've performed in all different types of really terrible places you know when you're coming up and you're just doing open mics and bars and like coffee shops or whatever and I still to this day roll my eyes when someone's it's an outdoor venue because it's just like because you know there's nothing to trap the sound right so like the laughs just get lost yeah they just disappear into the ether that happens with arenas too and you do stand up in an arena not that I've performed in an arena it's on my vision board though is it yeah of course it is right right next to the dick what's on your vision board that's weird besides dick um that's weird you got anything crazy in your vision board you got a private jet on your vision board is that crazy do you have one it's actually not on my vision board but I do visualize it do you I do visualize how do you visualize do you visualize you visualize you visualize you do you visualize you do you visualize you strolling with a tiny bag with a dog in it and you got like a cigarette holder and giant glasses cigarette holder the people just like like Hunter Shton like jaja gobor yeah stroll on with high heels stilettos and no tight skirt like oh oh oh where's my seat where's my seat it's wherever the fuck I want it to be bitch this is my plane, who let my dog shit on the floor.

[1502] It's my plane, motherfucker.

[1503] No, my private jet is going to be much more basic than that.

[1504] I just want a plane where if I can like fart freely and not have to worry about other people.

[1505] One time I held a fart from Cincinnati to Los Angeles.

[1506] That's very polite of you.

[1507] I know.

[1508] Thank you.

[1509] Especially on a plane.

[1510] A lot of people are sneaky on planes.

[1511] I know.

[1512] But I was like, I can't do this to anybody.

[1513] And I held it.

[1514] Thank you.

[1515] I'm a very considerate person.

[1516] But if it was your plane?

[1517] Let them loose.

[1518] But what if it was your plane?

[1519] But what if it was your playing and you had a stewardess still let it loose flight attendants oh what's the difference because you can't they change it to flight attendant because they have male flight attendants because you can't call a male a stewardess do they really have male flight attendants haven't you I've seen them all the time are they really male well I mean they're yes they're gay but they're men they're more feminine than me but yes they're still men I went to the dentist today and I had to fill out one of them Connect us on Friday.

[1520] Oh, M .G. We're so like, I had to fill out this form.

[1521] And on the form, it said sex.

[1522] It said male or female.

[1523] I was like, where's the other?

[1524] Yeah.

[1525] Where's other, bitch?

[1526] Where's, uh, where's, uh, kins?

[1527] Where's other kins?

[1528] Other kins?

[1529] Yeah, you don't know about other kins?

[1530] No, I don't know what that is.

[1531] Oh, those people that think they're a fox.

[1532] They identify with foxes.

[1533] Like, I'm like an elf kin.

[1534] No. And people think they're fairies.

[1535] I'm a wood elf.

[1536] No. No. I'm other kin.

[1537] People think that there's something, they're supposed to be something else.

[1538] They're like a person, but really they're an animal that's trapped in a person's body.

[1539] No, they're just crazy.

[1540] Are they?

[1541] Here we go.

[1542] This lady.

[1543] When people ask me, how does it feel to be a cat?

[1544] I'm like, how does it feel to be a human?

[1545] Oh, that's rational.

[1546] Whoever your dad is, hey, dude who's her dad, fuck you.

[1547] Look what you did the world, you asshole.

[1548] You let this girl loose to think she's a cat.

[1549] Yeah, no, that's when you have a, that's definitely a mental issue.

[1550] Uh -huh.

[1551] Uh -huh.

[1552] For sure.

[1553] Like, uh, Rachel Dolazzo.

[1554] Yeah, she's one of my favorites.

[1555] Did you watch her document?

[1556] Oh, I'm obsessed with her.

[1557] It was boring, right?

[1558] Was it just me?

[1559] I didn't watch it.

[1560] I wanted to why.

[1561] It was just boring.

[1562] She's going crazy.

[1563] She owes money.

[1564] She's in debt.

[1565] She's got kids.

[1566] I feel bad for the kids.

[1567] Yeah.

[1568] But who is this dude that she's with?

[1569] Who is this dude that she just had a baby not that long ago?

[1570] Some guy who likes pussy.

[1571] See, y 'all just get on my nerves.

[1572] We're all the same?

[1573] Yes.

[1574] How are we all the same?

[1575] Because you'll just have sex with anything.

[1576] Well, if it's anything or nothing.

[1577] That dude could have got it from somewhere else.

[1578] Could he have really?

[1579] If he fucked her?

[1580] Could he have really?

[1581] Did he have the pick of the litter?

[1582] I know dudes who are unattractive, poor, sleeping on someone else's couch and they're still getting vagina.

[1583] So yes.

[1584] Wow, they must be good talkers.

[1585] Yeah, women don't have standards anymore.

[1586] You do?

[1587] I do.

[1588] Because my parents loved me. How many times?

[1589] That's going to be the name of my first special.

[1590] Yeah.

[1591] Actually, no, the name my first special is like I'm a very busy man. She'll be a book.

[1592] This book will not be that good because my parents loved me. The special ain't going to be funny because my parents loved me. Just finished everything with my parents because my parents loved me. But you're very funny.

[1593] So that doesn't work.

[1594] But you know what you're not?

[1595] You're not, you're not crazy, like, ambitious to the point where you're willing to step, walk all the people's backs and cut people.

[1596] Because my parents loved me. That's where that comes from.

[1597] You know, that narcissistic personality disorder, sociopathy comes from some type of neglect or abuse in childhood.

[1598] Yes.

[1599] So, and this industry attracts a lot of that.

[1600] You know, people, attention starved and they just want fame.

[1601] So you have the people who, there's two types of people in the industry.

[1602] You got the people who really just love the craft of it.

[1603] They really are great actors or great comics, writers.

[1604] And then you have the kind that just want to be famous, who don't give a crap about, you know, what it takes to actually, you know, hone that skill and become the best at that.

[1605] They just want.

[1606] And some of them pretend to be the other thing.

[1607] Absolutely.

[1608] Yeah.

[1609] Yeah.

[1610] I mean, it's crazy people everywhere.

[1611] Yeah.

[1612] Some of them, like, pretend to be comics.

[1613] Like, they pretend to be interested in the craft of comedy.

[1614] I know.

[1615] And you know what?

[1616] when it gets really weird when they become famous and then you see it happens all the time yeah you see that they don't this is an actor they were acting like they're a comedian yeah that's not they're not really a comic yeah yeah but then we let them get stage time well it's not we you and I don't have anything we don't have control over there yeah anybody getting stage time yeah no I know but it's frustrated so why did you get into it I have uh I believe my pain when I was a kid was just feeling like I didn't fit in like out there when you were telling me you're not black like that was my pain because I am black and so I grew up feeling like I didn't fit in anywhere Well you are at you are a certain percentage African -American.

[1617] Both of my parents are black And so someone was white Well yeah no somewhere along the line But there's mixes there's black Native American and there's white But yeah if you saw my family You'd be like there's no white people in this family If you saw my family You'd be like somebody somewhere along the line Was black a chimp A chimp?

[1618] Somebody fucked a chimp.

[1619] Somebody when they shouldn't have.

[1620] You know, I think this is what I think about my family.

[1621] There's beastiality in your...

[1622] Just Italians in general.

[1623] I feel like, you know how people evolve from apes?

[1624] I don't believe that.

[1625] You don't believe that?

[1626] I think somewhere along the line, somebody went back when they shouldn't have.

[1627] hilarious.

[1628] They were like, well, you know, it wasn't so bad when we were fucking these apes over here.

[1629] Just get one last shot at that monkey.

[1630] She wasn't talking back to me. She never burned my meatloaf.

[1631] I gave her a banana.

[1632] That's all she wanted.

[1633] She would let me stick stuff wherever I wanted to stick stuff.

[1634] She was warm to cuddle with in the winter months.

[1635] Yeah.

[1636] Well, everyone's African.

[1637] Every single human, if you trace them all the way back.

[1638] Absolutely.

[1639] That 23 and me shit, I just did it.

[1640] You know?

[1641] What they say.

[1642] I don't know.

[1643] I'm waiting.

[1644] I have to wait a couple more weeks.

[1645] I'm very excited.

[1646] You sound scared.

[1647] Nah.

[1648] What could it be?

[1649] I'm mostly, I'm supposed to be mostly Italian and I have like a quarter Irish in me. That's what it's supposed to be.

[1650] That sounds about right.

[1651] Let's see if anybody was sneaking around.

[1652] In my DNA, if maybe a German got in the mix or an African or a Moroccan or who knows, you know.

[1653] Who knows he got in the mix back in the day.

[1654] Hilarious.

[1655] You know, I'm too.

[1656] I don't think I'm going to do one of those.

[1657] I don't want to know.

[1658] I don't want to know.

[1659] If I find out I'm whiter than I am, I'll just walk into traffic.

[1660] Well, you're pretty, your skin's lighter than mine.

[1661] No, I know, but so what.

[1662] Okay, don't get defensive.

[1663] Jesus, Candace.

[1664] Settle down.

[1665] it's crazy because like you have like me and my sister we were from the same parents but she had a completely different childhood than me because no one ever questioned she never got her hair pulled by like darker skin black girls whereas i did why why did she not get her hair because she's darker than me and her hair is kinkier so she just she just came out different she came out brown so yeah so we had to complete so that's where that's where my pain came from it like i felt like i didn't fit in right you know so you felt like so your comedy is is sort of like you have like a personality that was kind of compensating for not fitting in.

[1666] Yeah, I started being funny because I felt like that could distract people from, you know, like I want them to like me and accept me. So the one thing that everyone can, you know, agree on is that we like jokes and we like laughing.

[1667] So I became like a class clown and just would, and I was like, oh, people like me now.

[1668] And I don't have to worry about them wondering what I am and trying to put me in a box.

[1669] It's like, I'm the funny one.

[1670] That's all that matter.

[1671] Yeah.

[1672] Mm -hmm.

[1673] Mm -hmm.

[1674] But my pain is not like, you know, it's a mild pain.

[1675] It's a mild pain.

[1676] That's exactly how I describe it.

[1677] Because a lot of comics are like, oh, I was molested by my father or somebody.

[1678] And it's like, oh, that's awful.

[1679] I'm sorry to hear that.

[1680] But that makes sense.

[1681] But yet, people always come to me and they're like, you don't have, you're not addicted to anything.

[1682] Like, you don't have me vices and you weren't like touched by an uncle.

[1683] So like, why are you funny?

[1684] And I was like, well, that's, that was why I got funny.

[1685] And again, it was mild.

[1686] When you first got on stage, were you working?

[1687] What were you doing?

[1688] for a living.

[1689] Yes.

[1690] First got on stage.

[1691] I did have a day job.

[1692] At that time, I was working, oh my God.

[1693] I had, I've had a few jobs.

[1694] At one point, I was working at Sylvan Learning Center.

[1695] And at one point, I was working at a...

[1696] So you're doing tutoring?

[1697] I was a center director for a Sylvan Learning Center at one point.

[1698] So I was in charge of that facility just in that for like, I was in Glendale and I was also in Santa Clarita.

[1699] Yeah, but I wasn't, I was in a assistant at the assistant director at the Glendale and I was a full on center director at Santa Clarita.

[1700] But then after that I also worked at a nail salon.

[1701] I worked at a Vietnamese nail salon for a minute at the front desk.

[1702] Yeah, I worked in Toluca Lake, Lake at the place called Oasis Nail Spa.

[1703] Shout out to all my Vietnamese nail technicians who still worked there.

[1704] They were very nice.

[1705] It's right next to Bob's Big Boy.

[1706] I used to work there.

[1707] I actually met a lot of people working there because it's by the studio.

[1708] So like George Lopez would come in there.

[1709] George Lopez, because his nails did.

[1710] His whole, well, when he was still married, him and his wife and his daughter would come in.

[1711] Yeah, so this was before.

[1712] They would all get it done?

[1713] George would get his nail done?

[1714] I think that's what it was.

[1715] Yeah.

[1716] But, you know, who did come in and get his nails done, David Allen Greer, with his wife at the time, they have since split as well.

[1717] That's a bad luck salon, huh?

[1718] Everyone that comes in there is married to get divorced.

[1719] I think it's just showbiz.

[1720] I don't think it has to do it with a salon or a restaurant.

[1721] It's just showbiz.

[1722] Of course.

[1723] It's the hardest being in a relationship.

[1724] You've managed to make it work.

[1725] It works.

[1726] You can make it work.

[1727] You can.

[1728] I think it just takes like, but also I think it's...

[1729] Depends on the type of people you are, too.

[1730] Yeah, 100%.

[1731] Are your parents still together?

[1732] My stepfather and my mother are still together.

[1733] They've been together since I was a little kid.

[1734] Oh, wow, okay.

[1735] Yeah.

[1736] So it's a successful relationship.

[1737] Yeah.

[1738] But it's one that started when I was five.

[1739] That's commitment.

[1740] But it works.

[1741] Yeah.

[1742] They're very friendly.

[1743] I mean, they're very happy with each other.

[1744] They're very friendly to each other.

[1745] So I grew up around that.

[1746] Yeah.

[1747] They had a healthy relationship.

[1748] I saw a terrible relationship with my mother and my father.

[1749] Terrible, very briefly.

[1750] Violent.

[1751] Oh, wow.

[1752] Dangerous, not good.

[1753] Then left that.

[1754] And then when we moved in with my mother's parents, we lived there for a while.

[1755] And then we got an apartment after my mom had, you know, escaped from my dad.

[1756] And then when my mom met my stepdad, it was a totally different relationship.

[1757] He's a hippie.

[1758] And he was like this really nice guy.

[1759] He's into crystals and stuff.

[1760] No, just, he was just, he was, you know, he's an architect, and he was just a different kind of guy.

[1761] Smote, had long hair.

[1762] Yeah.

[1763] Just different kind of person.

[1764] Do you ever wonder about, like, how you would have, like, what your personnel would be like now if your mom had stayed with your dad, like, longer?

[1765] Oh, yeah.

[1766] Yeah.

[1767] Yeah, that wouldn't have been good.

[1768] Yeah.

[1769] I would have been a dangerous person.

[1770] Yeah.

[1771] Yeah.

[1772] For sure.

[1773] I carry, you know, I have a, I mean, I don't have a tendency towards violence because I'm not a violent person.

[1774] in terms of, like, actual, my actual actions.

[1775] But I understand it.

[1776] Right.

[1777] Like, it's there.

[1778] It's always there.

[1779] I just don't let it out of the box.

[1780] And that's why I got into fighting.

[1781] And that's why...

[1782] So that you could advance.

[1783] Martial arts.

[1784] Yeah, oh, God, that changed my life.

[1785] Like, having...

[1786] I think for every boy, especially every boy that grew up...

[1787] I mean, obviously, situations could have been way worse than mine.

[1788] Mine wasn't the worst.

[1789] Nobody beat me. It wasn't terrible in terms of, like, I didn't get abused.

[1790] But I, I, you know, saw it and I saw a lot of, I saw plenty of violence.

[1791] So it's like I knew it was a thing.

[1792] And if I grew up around it, it would eventually start to affect me and I would have been a part of it.

[1793] Right.

[1794] For sure.

[1795] And the problem is you mirror that, you know, like, guys who grow up with dads who beat their mom are way more likely to beat their wives or their girlfriends or, you know.

[1796] Absolutely.

[1797] Or maybe the opposite, maybe just hate it so much because you've seen it that you would never allow it.

[1798] Right.

[1799] but I think for young men like having some sort of event something martial arts especially because you could actually get out the violence where you purge it from your system you don't have to think about it anymore as giant Is it really?

[1800] Because I have no idea what it's like to be a man I don't I think I do have a decent amount of testosterone for a woman because I was a tomboy when I was a little girl and I was never into like dresses and stuff like that when I was younger I never like envision like getting married and having this huge wedding those weren't my fantasies when I was a kid you know whenever it was Halloween I would dress up as a boy I would be like Count Dracula my sister would be a princess and I'd be like the Hulk so I've always been kind of like I've always gravitated towards a more masculine even doing stand -up is a very masculine thing to do and maybe that's why I attract gay dudes too but anyway that's neither here nor they're So is it like hard?

[1801] Like are you guys constantly fighting the urge to be violent?

[1802] No. No, not constantly.

[1803] This is how I look at it.

[1804] This is kind of a weird way of looking at it, but this is the way I look at it.

[1805] I think that every man, every man who has a functional endocrine system who has testosterone has been involved in sports who is fairly athletic, there's violence in your head.

[1806] So if your head was a house, okay, there's a room, there's a violence room.

[1807] Okay.

[1808] And you can open up that door.

[1809] If that door gets open, crazy shit can happen.

[1810] Most of the time that door is closed.

[1811] But the more fucked up things that happen in your life, the more your house gets rock.

[1812] The more your foundation gets fucked up, the more your joy start to creak and move left and right and things are off center and off plum, then that door opens way easier.

[1813] That door is leaking.

[1814] That door is like, there's gaps.

[1815] like you know you're the framing is not so good yeah the hinges are loose right and so for someone has been around a lot of violence like people who grew up in terrible neighborhoods been involved in gang violence that kind of shit that door is always ready to pop open it's just always ready to open whereas someone who grew up like my friend todd like one of the nicest guys super sweet guy I couldn't imagine him beating anybody up because he just was loved like maybe even too much like it's all love so his door is locked up tight he would need to get the key from his mom he was going to get in there whereas I have other friends but if you fucking if you brush up against that door too much yeah like Joey Diaz Joey Diaz if you if you knock on that door when he's asleep fucking punch you in the head he'll punch you in the face there's violence ready to go and he doesn't do much but if it happens if the wrong thing happens that door comes swinging open right you know we don't teach We don't teach kids how to deal with their emotions properly.

[1816] And I just, did you see the Mr. Rogers documentary?

[1817] No. So good.

[1818] There's only so many things you could see.

[1819] Well, you could take your kids to see this.

[1820] I'm in the middle of watching that wild, wild country.

[1821] Oh, I've already seen that.

[1822] How good is that shit?

[1823] I love cults.

[1824] I love cults.

[1825] Yeah.

[1826] No, it's, uh, are all cults sex cults?

[1827] Because I had a conversation.

[1828] What the fuck's the point now with a cults if you don't get some pussy?

[1829] I don't think my cults.

[1830] would be a sex cult.

[1831] Because you're a girl.

[1832] Yeah, no, I know.

[1833] What would your cult be?

[1834] When was the last time a girl ran a cult, by the way?

[1835] You might be the first.

[1836] Well, no, well, the chick who was, she was kind of running that, the Rajneesh Purim.

[1837] On her own, that bitch is lost, okay?

[1838] Yeah, I guess so.

[1839] Yeah.

[1840] But she was running stuff while she was there, because that dude never left his room.

[1841] Yeah, but Sheila was only in power because of homeboy.

[1842] What was his name?

[1843] Oshow?

[1844] How do you say his name?

[1845] That's what he called.

[1846] That's what he was called after.

[1847] Yeah.

[1848] Yeah, I don't remember what.

[1849] that without him and his he had to look you got to have that look you got to have the look of the holy man that yeah yeah yeah in the dead eyes and you have to have to drive around and betley's and rolls royces and that's what was crazy like how many of these cars these luxurious cars do you need yeah why do you need 22 the same that's like you have piss poor choices yeah no i don't understand that at all try a mercedes what'd you say a try mercedes you know you got rolls royce get something different it's very suspicious.

[1850] And my question is, like, do these people, when you're going into a cult, do they know it's a cult?

[1851] Or do they think it's literally like a legit religious organization that they're just joining?

[1852] They think it's a legit movement.

[1853] You know, like, what is a cult, right?

[1854] Because Christianity is often by scholars refer to as a cult.

[1855] Yeah.

[1856] You know, like there's certain documentaries on Christianity that refer to as the cult of Christianity.

[1857] Like what a cult is is a group of people that follow an ideology.

[1858] They follow a certain way and pattern of being.

[1859] So, these people are doing that exact same things until someone from like the fucking FBI starts calling it a cult like you don't you don't really they're not self -aware of what it is I think a red flag would be as if like because you know as if your leader is fucking you know like that to me is a red flag because if you look if you look at religious organizations in general like the one thing that's frowned upon and like all of them is like too much sex or any sex really any type of like promiscuity so like and that's across the board with religions just in general none of them are like this is good they're like you should have sex to procreate and like that's it with the person that you're married to but with that when they're like this group sex like I think I think we might be in the cult you know that's a huge red flag yeah as soon as the dude starts fucking everybody's wives yeah you're like wait a second how come he gets to fuck my wife well he's got a direct line to Jesus bro like oh okay all right Yeah, I wouldn't trust that That is the thing though But that's the thing with men Like men When they get into power Anytime a man Runs a giant organization Has all these followers And he gets to stand on to a stage Out in, you know In this grassy field Filled with people Who are bowing to him That guy's gonna get his dick sucked Absolutely He's like they're He's got beads on Yeah And everyone's like Oh show!

[1860] Oh show!

[1861] Yes, come Come for a ride Women throwing their panties at him You can drive Rose Royce number 17 Come on for a ride So do you trust like Joel Austen Osteen?

[1862] Trust him how Trust him in and then like Do you think he's like a man of his word?

[1863] I lent him a thousand dollars You tell him he's not trust?

[1864] No I'm just kidding I was like oh shit No I wouldn't lend that guy any money That guy's rich as fuck Right I was like Was this he had a Kickstarter?

[1865] Well he is absolutely Because he's in that celebrity level.

[1866] He's an evangelist.

[1867] He's an evangelist.

[1868] He's on TV.

[1869] He's a sheister.

[1870] They're all shysters.

[1871] Just that's what they are.

[1872] He dresses real nice.

[1873] He talks about Jesus and he gets people excited and they give him their money.

[1874] Yeah.

[1875] They give him their money.

[1876] That's what he wants.

[1877] And he's got fucking millions of it.

[1878] Do you think he's getting panties thrown at him?

[1879] Didn't he just get divorced?

[1880] Did he?

[1881] Did he get divorced?

[1882] Google that.

[1883] He's probably getting some serious God -loving person.

[1884] Oh, he.

[1885] Yeah, he's got a direct line.

[1886] Jesus said, Jesus said, tell me what Job said, I'll tell you what Job said, baby, get over here.

[1887] Yeah.

[1888] Is that blasphemous?

[1889] No, it's like, he's a leader, you know, I mean, that, here's, if it's, as long as it's obvious, like, is a con bad, if it's real obvious?

[1890] To his followers, he's not a con, though.

[1891] To us, it's like, duh.

[1892] Yeah.

[1893] But like you were talking about with the cults, when you're in it, it's like, I don't think they can see it.

[1894] But like Jim Baker.

[1895] Like people that follow Jim Baker?

[1896] That's a throwback.

[1897] Yeah.

[1898] But he's still around.

[1899] He is.

[1900] Didn't you?

[1901] He sells buckets of food.

[1902] Tammy Fay died, right?

[1903] She died.

[1904] She died.

[1905] Poor Tammy Fay.

[1906] Long -suffering Tammy Fay.

[1907] She died from Diet Coke.

[1908] Diet Coke did her in.

[1909] Are you serious?

[1910] That's what they think.

[1911] She drank too much.

[1912] Drag it all day.

[1913] Well, that stuff's addictive.

[1914] It is addictive.

[1915] There's something there, there have been studies that have proven that there's a whatever.

[1916] that artificial sweetener is that they put in there yeah they it's a it causes you yeah you know what else is addictive jesus jesus and jim baker's dick both those things are addictive it's jim baker was like a perfect example though if you're so fucking stupid you buy into that guy's shit yeah i don't remember i don't remember his stuff i remember them i remember going up and watching like sketches on like mad tv or whatever where they would be making fun of yes yeah do you remember robert tilden he's a guy that has hair slick back he's a another late night guy he would talk in tongues he'd be on TV ah the Lord is moving me to speech he would speak in tongues this is one thing he said I was listening to it I started fucking crying laughing he said every time you write a check to me Satan gets a black eye no he doesn't say that every time you write a check to me Satan gets a black eye Like that kind of shit That shit should totally be legal If you're so stupid You're like Holy Satan I smite thee And you pull out your checkbook I smite you Satan You are fixing to get a shiner There he is Look at him He's gonna speak in tongues here I don't remember this guy I shouldn't have said that Hilarious He's hilarious I'm the devil I shouldn't have said that Satan gave me this mess Satan It's a lie of the devil I shouldn't have said there What is that That's just him He speaks in like tongues Is he really old looking now?

[1917] Is that him?

[1918] Is that him there?

[1919] Time's such a cruel bitch Even Robert Tilden went down With all his money But he's still alive huh?

[1920] What?

[1921] What do he woofing?

[1922] He's old as fuck now Oh Jesus, that what do you look like?

[1923] That's him?

[1924] That can't be the same guy That's not him It is him.

[1925] That wouldn't even that long ago.

[1926] What happened?

[1927] The 90s from when that video?

[1928] Boy, all that whiskey and pussy and coke.

[1929] Look at him.

[1930] He looks.

[1931] Doing coke for Jesus.

[1932] Don, no, no, no. They're like, we done, we wrapped, we wrapped.

[1933] Gold underwear.

[1934] Woo.

[1935] He looks so untrustworthy.

[1936] Jumps at a private jet.

[1937] Fifteen hookers in there waiting for him.

[1938] As soon as he touches down to shoot the hookers.

[1939] You know too much.

[1940] Stop, but did they remix it?

[1941] Yeah, it's a remix of him speaking of times.

[1942] I miss remit.

[1943] Why aren't they remixing stuff anymore?

[1944] I know, right?

[1945] Remember that dude?

[1946] Yeah, so I was just going to say.

[1947] Yeah, they're not doing that anymore.

[1948] I met that guy.

[1949] I met that guy.

[1950] He came to a UFC.

[1951] Shut up.

[1952] He got paid, right?

[1953] Didn't he get paid?

[1954] They made like a million dollars off that song.

[1955] Yeah, he made some money.

[1956] Yeah, he made some money.

[1957] And Dana White brought him to a UFC.

[1958] Is this, because he was gay, right?

[1959] And then went to church and said he wasn't gay anymore.

[1960] Yeah, he was ashamed of being gay.

[1961] It was very sad because he was saying that, you know, he was ashamed of being gay and that, you know, the church was going to, they were going to pray the gay away.

[1962] It was one of them deals.

[1963] So that to me makes me so sad.

[1964] It does.

[1965] It's it.

[1966] There's nothing wrong with being gay.

[1967] No. And this idea that you could change someone from being gay is so fucking stupid.

[1968] It's like, just be gay, man. You're gay.

[1969] It's all right.

[1970] It's okay.

[1971] You just need better people around you To tell you're okay To tell you that they love you Yeah And that it's okay to be gay And just find other gay people And you're like oh you're like me We're good Yeah you're good You're fine You guys are gonna be fine All you need to do is move to Atlanta Or anywhere else where there's gay people L .A You know find a gay scene They still be in the closet out here too There's a lot of people in the closet Out here and I don't get it There's people in show business That I know they're in the closet I know I know I get out of that goddamn closet You have a new fan base A whole new fan base And then when you meet guys like Todd Glass Who did get out of closet It was so much happier now It's like it's just a giant burden Relieved off my back Like yeah Be yourself man And you know Plus it's The stigma is so It's bad for everybody It's bad for gay people It's bad for straight people Because it's even bad for people Or homophopes Because they don't realize How many people are really gay Right And if they did They would probably be like Oh, maybe this is normal.

[1972] Yeah.

[1973] Like, it is normal.

[1974] Yes.

[1975] It's in the beginning of time.

[1976] It's no different than having blue eyes or black hair or whatever the fuck it is.

[1977] Animals are gay.

[1978] Yes.

[1979] Trust me, my dog's gay as fuck.

[1980] Really?

[1981] Yeah, he licks my other dog's dick.

[1982] Every time my, poor Marshall, I'm throwing him under the bus.

[1983] Maybe Marshall's into it.

[1984] You don't know?

[1985] Well, Johnny Cash, my mastiff, he'll take a leak.

[1986] Marshall come over and lick his dick right after he takes a leak.

[1987] I'm like, Marshall, get the fuck away from his dick, man. Stop doing that, dude.

[1988] It's so depressing.

[1989] It gets right up in there instantly.

[1990] He loves it.

[1991] How many dogs are you have?

[1992] Three?

[1993] Two of them are on death's door, though.

[1994] They're very, very old.

[1995] They're ready to go.

[1996] Would you recommend getting a dog?

[1997] I love dogs.

[1998] I love them, too.

[1999] I've never not had dogs.

[2000] It's just a lot of work, I know.

[2001] I've had dogs since I had enough money to have dogs.

[2002] The moment when I moved to L .A. I had a sitcom, I'm like, okay, I can pay my rent.

[2003] I'm getting a dog.

[2004] Yeah.

[2005] I love dogs.

[2006] I just want to make sure that I'd be able to have, like, I don't want to have to burden somebody when I go out of town.

[2007] Well, they have dogs that are places.

[2008] They have places where you can go that are really good.

[2009] Right.

[2010] They'll even train your dog, white and while they have them.

[2011] Because I want one so bad.

[2012] Get a dog, girl.

[2013] I want one.

[2014] You look like you'd have a dog.

[2015] You look like you'd have a good dog.

[2016] You told me I had, first of all, when I came here, you said, I look like I have a kid.

[2017] No, I thought you had a kid.

[2018] You know why I said it?

[2019] I think somebody brought it up.

[2020] Somebody said Candace has a child.

[2021] I think someone said it was probably some girl hated on you.

[2022] Probably.

[2023] Throwing you on the bus.

[2024] Probably.

[2025] She's like Candace has a candidate.

[2026] And so.

[2027] Like it's something I should be ashamed of.

[2028] I don't even know where I got it from, but somebody brought it up.

[2029] That's why I asked you.

[2030] I don't know.

[2031] But you would, I think you would be very good at taking care of a dog.

[2032] What kind of dog would you get?

[2033] I like really small or really big.

[2034] But my place that I have, I have a nice size place, but I still would like to have property if I have a big dog.

[2035] So I would probably want a smaller one just for the sake of, you know.

[2036] The size land.

[2037] I don't, it's limited.

[2038] So I really, I really do like pugs.

[2039] Are you friends with Whitney Cummings?

[2040] I'm not friends with her.

[2041] We've met, but I can't say we're friends.

[2042] Talk to her about dogs.

[2043] She's got a shitload of them.

[2044] That bitch has a horse.

[2045] What?

[2046] Yeah, she got a horse.

[2047] Well, wait, what do you mean she has, like, that?

[2048] She owns a horse.

[2049] No, oh, I get the horse part.

[2050] But you said she has dogs.

[2051] Like, she would give me a dog?

[2052] No, she could talk, look, she's, I go to her.

[2053] I can take one of hers?

[2054] She's very smart.

[2055] And I go to her, talk to her about dog questions.

[2056] Oh, okay, I see what you're saying.

[2057] Like how to deal with dogs.

[2058] Like, you know what she said?

[2059] She goes, first of all, she talks to you like this.

[2060] She goes, first of all, I'm in charge of my house.

[2061] She goes, I don't walk around my dogs.

[2062] I walk through them.

[2063] She goes, I'm the alpha.

[2064] She goes, they don't get to get on top of me. They don't climb on top of me. They don't kiss my face.

[2065] She goes, I'm in control.

[2066] Yeah.

[2067] I don't want dogs in my bed.

[2068] Yeah, yeah.

[2069] You don't have to have that.

[2070] You know, but I know so many people think I'm weird because I wouldn't want my dog in my bed.

[2071] There's Whitney's dogs.

[2072] Oh yeah here she loves pits Look yeah she does Pits are great That's adorable The one with the bowtie Adorable Adorable That's a cute little Tiny one too What is that little one What is that Bulldog Aw little bulldog Yeah I like I like bulldogs I like French bulldogs But I'm also one of those ones That like those little tiny ones That probably annoy you I like Yorkies Do you?

[2073] I like Yorkies I like Yorkies I like I like Pomeranians I just like dogs In general Yeah The only dogs I feel bad for Are those bulldogs With those fat faces They can't walk and they can't breathe Pugs are like that too They have really They have nasal problems But they're so cute What the fuck did you do this Yeah they look like I got punched in the face But they're so cute It's depressing But it's from all the breeding right Isn't that how they've got like Yeah Well they've made them that way on purpose Because they want their face to be flattened out So they've bred for that characteristic Yeah Get a dog, get a man Candice No, I'm not getting both No So if you get a man Then getting the dog Is more realistic for me Than getting a man If you get a dog And then you have a man You go Well this is one too many things I gotta kill this dog Ew I would kill the man First 100 % Damn That's dark All right Candace We're gonna wrap this up Anything else to say to the people The first introduction to you On my first introduction I think this went well I think it went very well We're getting to know one another We talked about doing this for a while I'm glad we finally did it We did make it happen Now you're gonna come and do my podcast For sure And Candace Winnie at the Comedy Store Winnie on the tour Where can people go see you do stand up?

[2074] Just go to Candice Thompsoncomby .com I post all my dates I'm gonna do JFL this year in Montreal If anyone's gonna be in Canada I believe on the 26th of July 27 and 28th Are you doing the gay The gala.

[2075] Oh, no, I don't think I am.

[2076] That's the TV thing that they do, the giant.

[2077] Yeah, no, I don't.

[2078] It's very big in Montreal.

[2079] Yeah, no, I don't think I'm doing that.

[2080] I'm doing that.

[2081] All right.

[2082] Candace.

[2083] So, yeah, Candace Thompsoncomedy .com and jokes by Candace on Twitter and Instagram.

[2084] All right.

[2085] Candace, thank you.

[2086] We did it.

[2087] Yay.

[2088] Yay.

[2089] Thanks, Rogan.

[2090] My pleasure.