An Emotional Story: Change Your Child by Changing Yourself First

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[22] Hey, everyone.

[23] This is Kirk Martin from Celebrate Calm.

[24] Excited to be with you again.

[25] I want to start the new year off talking about the most powerful tool.

[26] You can use as a parent, and it's this.

[27] It's not controlling your kid's behavior.

[28] It's controlling your own.

[29] Because the quickest way to change your child's behavior is to first control your own.

[30] And I'm going to tell you a story at the end of this is going to bring all of this full circle and really demonstrate this well.

[31] And so I hope you kind of hang around for that.

[32] What I wanted to start with is this really talking about our own anxiety and control issues as parents.

[33] because watch how this is going to work tomorrow morning.

[34] When Jacob or whatever your son's name doesn't get out of bed, you get anxious because he's going to miss the bus.

[35] And what's going to happen if he misses the bus and he misses school again?

[36] He's not going to do well in school and you start to project out.

[37] And Sarah won't eat.

[38] Is she going to be unhealthy?

[39] Is she going to get sick?

[40] Jacobs worn the same jeans and hoodie sweatshirt for three days in a row.

[41] What are the other parents going to think about you as a mother?

[42] Sarah won't even brush your teeth or her hair.

[43] As you're rushing out the door, she remembers one final thing.

[44] She just has to do before she leaves.

[45] Now you're in the driveway.

[46] It's 7 .14 in morning honking the horn, waking your neighbors up.

[47] Now you're on the way to school.

[48] Great.

[49] There's a traffic jam.

[50] You're going to be late again.

[51] So you grip the wheel tighter.

[52] You ride the guy's bumper ahead of you.

[53] Tense.

[54] Your kids are trying to talk to you, but you snap back because you're still upset about their dawdling.

[55] We'll talk about this tonight, you snap as you drop your kids off at school.

[56] Now you feel guilty.

[57] And now you're rushing to work, afraid your boss will be mad again.

[58] And your mother's calling you, pressuring you to visit for the holidays, but you really don't want to go.

[59] You're getting the usual guilt trip and will probably give in.

[60] And guess what?

[61] The PTA and church committee keep asking you to volunteer because they need the help after all and you're the responsible one.

[62] You know what?

[63] The Johnson's kids are taking piano and an extra language after school.

[64] If they can do it, why can't your kids?

[65] What if you're not doing enough for them?

[66] What if they can't get into the right prep school or the right preschool?

[67] Would you be a failure as a parent?

[68] Heck, you're not sure whether you'll need that money for college or bail giving your son's behavior and grades.

[69] Oh, that's right.

[70] You don't have money set aside for college anyway.

[71] The braces, new roofs, summer camp, therapy, car repairs have all eaten away at that.

[72] You know what?

[73] Your house never seems clean enough.

[74] Why can't your kids just clean their bedrooms so you don't have to follow around badgering them all the time?

[75] You know what?

[76] Now you're dreading the battle over homework.

[77] You end up frustrated standing over your child scolding.

[78] You know what, if you would just focus, you'd be done in 45 minutes instead of it taking you three hours.

[79] And that works really well.

[80] Oh, you forgot to lay out the chicken.

[81] So now you're back to mac and cheese again.

[82] Again.

[83] And your kids still complain.

[84] Now it's dinner time.

[85] Dad's getting irritated because Jacob can't sit still at the table.

[86] Mom's getting anxious because she's sensing the coming explosion.

[87] So she runs interference between dad and the kids.

[88] Now mom's put in an awful position because she doesn't know whether to protect her son because if she steps in, is she now undermining the authority of her husband?

[89] It's a tough place to be.

[90] Now it's after dinner.

[91] You've got to help your daughter with that project that's busy work anyway.

[92] So the dishes sit in the sink for a while.

[93] What would your mother say?

[94] She never seen this frazzled.

[95] What are you doing wrong?

[96] You decide that you'll finish up the project for Sarah.

[97] because it's bath time.

[98] Another power struggle.

[99] And in bedtime.

[100] Only Jacob has trouble sleeping and you threaten him repeatedly to get in your room now.

[101] Good.

[102] Let's end the day with some more guilt.

[103] What kind of bad parent are you that your kids won't eat, sleep, do their homework, or listen to you?

[104] Listen, can you see how much emotional, mental, and physical energy this anxiety takes from you?

[105] It's exhausting.

[106] And worse yet, it can destroy the very relationships that you cherish the most.

[107] So why is it critical as we begin the new year to attack this once and for all?

[108] Let's just look at the practical side of it.

[109] The truth is your control issues and your anxiety never, ever, ever, ever help.

[110] It never works.

[111] In fact, your anxiety causes you to get the exact opposite response that you want from your kids.

[112] When you tell your kids, move, guys, get in the car.

[113] Get in the car.

[114] instead of running more quickly, your kids tend to move more slowly.

[115] Why?

[116] Because they know when you're in that anxious mode, nothing they do will please you.

[117] Sometimes I tell a story.

[118] I'm not going to do the whole thing here of how I used to get kids to move more quickly when I take them to the pool.

[119] And you know how I did it?

[120] Not from badgering and yelling at them.

[121] I did it by walking into the living room with a swimming towel around my neck, nice nonverbal, and sitting down by the front door.

[122] And one by one, each of the kids knew, oh, we're going to the pool.

[123] They knew what to do.

[124] They knew to put their swim trunks on and put their suntane lotion on and grab their towel.

[125] What strong -will kids don't like being told is to be rushed with things and told exactly how to do it because your kids are never going to do things the way you want it done.

[126] And so I'd give them some space and I'd sit by the door and you know what happened?

[127] They got ready more quickly because they were drawn to me because I was leading them to calm.

[128] And I was showing them.

[129] and when I was sitting by the door, they'd get ready and they knew if they came and sat down next to me, they'd get one -on -one attention, undivided attention, and I wouldn't be freaking out and yelling.

[130] See, you've noticed this.

[131] When you lecture kids constantly, it always backfires.

[132] They ignore you and they discount what you say.

[133] How many of you have found the more you care about something, the less your kids do, and the more they resist.

[134] And the more words you use, the less valuable your words become.

[135] See, when you get on your kids about every little thing, they don't thank you for being so conscientious, they fight you.

[136] See, when you react to them pushing your buttons, they are now in control of you.

[137] And I know it's frustrating because you have kids who are born, expert button pushers.

[138] But the truth is, you create power struggles over issues that don't matter because you keep reacting.

[139] And it's all because of your anxiety.

[140] And listen, I know it's all out of good intentions.

[141] you love, love, love, love your kids more than anything or anyone else in this world.

[142] But anxiety hurts relationships.

[143] Think about this.

[144] When you lecture your kids, here's the message that you're really sending.

[145] Kids, I don't trust you to make a good decision, so I'm going to keep badgering you.

[146] You actually can't do it on your own.

[147] After all, what would I do if I didn't have to be responsible for you?

[148] See, this isn't really about you, son.

[149] It's really about me. You're also saying this.

[150] I don't really believe that you can be successful on your own.

[151] So I spend 95 % of my energy trying to fix what's wrong with you, instead of spending that time culting your natural gifts and passions.

[152] Because of my anxiety over your future, I'm going to harp on you again and again and again.

[153] So no, I actually really don't trust that you have what it takes.

[154] And I'm more worried sometimes about my own legacy as a parent.

[155] because if you don't turn out well, then I'll have been a failure, and I can't live with that.

[156] And you're also saying this, this problem isn't really yours, it's mine.

[157] I have this vision of how life was supposed to be, what it was like to have kids and how successful you're supposed to be.

[158] I've done all the right things.

[159] I've had the right agenda.

[160] I feed you organic food, right?

[161] I've done all the right things, and I'm compelled to make our family life work just so so you'll be successful.

[162] but I can't just make it happen.

[163] You're not cooperating with me. And so I'm going to try to make all these little insignificant things just so because that will give me the illusion that things are actually okay.

[164] And it never works, and I end up getting resentful at my kids because they're not doing things the way I want it done.

[165] Man, can you feel that?

[166] It'll ruin relationships and shut everything down.

[167] And it'll cause you to keep from enjoying your daily life.

[168] Some of you have health issues because of this, because your central nervous system is on high alert all the time.

[169] You become exhausted.

[170] Now you've got adrenal fatigue.

[171] It's just doesn't work.

[172] So I want you to learn a different way.

[173] And I want us to start with all of us, not I hate New Year's resolutions, but with goals, tangible specific goals of learning to control my own anxiety and my own control issues.

[174] Because the truth is, when I learn to control myself, it will change my child's behavior quicker than anything else you do.

[175] So let me give you a quick example of this.

[176] So this was when my son was younger.

[177] And a common situation, you probably have happened before, my son would occasionally, when things didn't go his way, right, or if things changed at the last minute, he would get upset.

[178] Well, what happens?

[179] He'd end up taking it out on whoever was closest to him, which was usually his mom, right?

[180] That's the way it usually works.

[181] Kids take out things on their moms usually.

[182] And he starts screaming at my wife and yelling things at her, right?

[183] really inappropriate things.

[184] Well, I'd walk in the door and I'd hear that and was like, it's not happening in my home.

[185] You know, you better, you know, right, and shut your little mouth, you're going to stop that.

[186] You're not going to talk to my wife that way.

[187] And I'd start amping it up, right?

[188] Which was always really helpful.

[189] You guys know, it just doesn't work when you do that.

[190] And so we'd mouth off a little bit.

[191] I'd be like, you know what, one more word, young man. And you know that's just a trigger for your kids to say, word, right?

[192] So don't do that.

[193] It's just, to be honest, it's provoking them, right?

[194] Because When they're upset, what do we end up doing?

[195] We get upset and we start yelling at them.

[196] You need to calm down.

[197] You need to control your mouth.

[198] And we're not even controlling our mouths.

[199] And I get it because we're frustrated and we're scared because when I hear, you know, when you hear your child talking back to you and talking disrespectfully, you start to think, what did I do wrong?

[200] What would my parents think about this?

[201] I never did that to my mother.

[202] How is this kid ever going to survive in life?

[203] What's going to happen to him?

[204] He can't even do simple things.

[205] He can't push through homework.

[206] Things are hard, so he shuts down.

[207] He doesn't have stick to it, and of this.

[208] I've got a lecture.

[209] I've got to get on him, and he talks back to me, and I have all these, right, can you feel all of that going through your brain, and your only response usually is to begin to control the child's behavior, and it always escalates.

[210] And I used to escalate with my son all the time.

[211] I even taunt him at times in that moment, and I can see, I can picture it right now.

[212] I'm seeing him in this little townhome we used to live in on the stairs, because he was getting ready to run upstairs and he was upset his face is all red and look look at this point you've got to realize your kids are beyond control they can't control themselves at this point they've gone too far right but we want them to do it and how many of your kids have ever told you because you sit them down afterwards what were you thinking when you did that what was going on and they're like i don't know i don't know why i'm doing this i'm dumb i'm stupid i don't know and see the the point The reason I want us to learn to control ourselves is trust, right?

[213] I'm the grown -up in this situation.

[214] So my son is out of control, and what happens?

[215] I get out of control, and now everything escalates, and I begin to provoke him by yelling at him, making him more upset.

[216] What do I yell consequence?

[217] You know, keep it up, young man. One more word, you know what?

[218] You're going to lose everything you won't, right?

[219] You're going to lose your video games for a week, and then he'll say something.

[220] You know what?

[221] One more word.

[222] You want to make it two weeks?

[223] And that's when you're in strong will kids look at you and just say, won't we just make it a month?

[224] And they'll call your bluff on it.

[225] But you know what the hard part of this is?

[226] You're ruining your trust with this child.

[227] When I control myself, here's the message I want to send them.

[228] Your world is out of control right now.

[229] Mine's not.

[230] I'm in complete control of myself.

[231] I'm not thrown by this.

[232] I've seen it before.

[233] It's happened before.

[234] Listen, I've done this before in life.

[235] I get it.

[236] You're frustrated.

[237] you're overwhelmed.

[238] Everything feels like it's out of your control.

[239] You're upset about something that happened in school.

[240] I get that.

[241] I can help you deal with that.

[242] You know why?

[243] So I'm in control of myself and I've got wisdom to help you.

[244] And here's the message I want to send.

[245] When you get upset, I'm a safe place to come.

[246] I'm not going to take it, right?

[247] I'm just not going to sit there and let the kids scream at me. It's not what I'm doing.

[248] Right?

[249] Because I can look at them and say, hey, I can tell you're frustrated, listen, yelling at me. I'm not going to do you any good.

[250] It's not going to help anything.

[251] Listen, I've got to start on dinner.

[252] I've got to go walk the dog.

[253] If you want to come walk with me, I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with.

[254] I used to grab a football with kids.

[255] We used to have kids come to our home.

[256] We had 1 ,500 strong -willed obstinate, emotional kids in our home over the course of a decade.

[257] Sometimes you'd have two, three, four kids upset at any one time.

[258] And so sometimes you just grab a football and say, guys, listen, you can spiral out of control if you want.

[259] I know it doesn't feel good when you do that.

[260] But here's another.

[261] option.

[262] I'm going to grab the football.

[263] If you want to come outside, we'll play catch.

[264] And I would lead the kids to calm, right?

[265] And so, okay, so let's go back to this situation.

[266] So he's yelling and screaming, and I'm yelling at screaming, Casey, and he runs upstairs, and I know what's going to happen.

[267] He goes upstairs, goes into his bedroom, smack, slams his bedroom door, and I knew it was coming.

[268] You know what?

[269] That would infuriate me because that's one of my triggers.

[270] You don't slam my door.

[271] And that's when I wanted to go upstairs and say, you know what?

[272] You don't have to respect me, but you're going to respect my furniture.

[273] You're going to respect my bedroom door.

[274] I work hard all day long to earn money to pay for that door.

[275] Right.

[276] You've done that lecture before and it's just useless.

[277] So he'd go upstairs and slam the door and I'd want to go up and ream him out.

[278] So I remember at the very beginning of Celebrate Calm of realizing it just doesn't work.

[279] Well, that's 48 times or 4 ,800 times I've done this.

[280] It's escalated.

[281] So what if instead of trying to control his behavior right now, I control my own.

[282] So, I knew at the time, one of the cases things they loved doing was building with Legos.

[283] So I'm kind of marching up the stairs and inadvertently, I trip over some of his Legos left on the floor.

[284] Now, there goes the calm.

[285] I had good intentions for about 12 seconds until I tripped on the Legos that he left on the floor because I've told him a million times, don't leave your Legos on the floor because someone could trip over those and hurt themselves and fall down the stairs and all those useless parenting lectures that we give our kids, right?

[286] And now I want to go upstairs and start, you know, throwing those Legos at him for leaving him on the floor.

[287] But it triggered in my brain, oh, Legos, lead to calm.

[288] So, collect myself, spend a minute, thinking, okay, what's the outcome?

[289] What am I looking for here?

[290] do I just want to prove my point as a parent, right, to go up and prove that I'm the authority figure and I'm the ruler of the home here and you're not going to talk to my wife this way and you need to go down and apologize to her and is that what I really want to get across?

[291] Because the truth is here's what I know.

[292] He knows what he did was wrong.

[293] He knows that yelling at his mother is wrong.

[294] He knows that.

[295] He knows he's going to be in trouble.

[296] And so I don't need to go and reinforce that and somehow prove my point because they already knows that, right?

[297] And what we end up doing is we end up forcing an apology.

[298] You're going to apologize to me right now, young man. And what happens with the strong will child, they end up digging in.

[299] And it keeps reinforcing failure because you know what message we end up sending?

[300] You're an idiot.

[301] Why can't you ever do things the right way?

[302] What got to step back sometimes, would you put up with your spouse or anyone in your life ever saying to you, honey, what were you thinking?

[303] Because you're responsible to be, uh, rethinking my marriage choice.

[304] That's what I was thinking, right?

[305] It's a demeaning phrase that we say out of frustration, but truth is it's hurtful and it's demeaning.

[306] And it doesn't do any good, right?

[307] Look, if yelling at your kids and throwing stuff and threatening them and taking stuff away worked, I write a book called yell at your kids and get them to listen.

[308] But the truth is it doesn't work, especially with the Strongwell kids, and it doesn't accomplish my real goal, which is to teach my child, because discipline literally means to teach.

[309] And I encourage you, it's popped in my head, we have a whole entire CD series called Discipline that Works.

[310] Get your kids to listen the first time.

[311] And it's all about this concept, that discipline is not punishment.

[312] It never has been.

[313] never will be.

[314] That's old school, honestly, very immature parenting.

[315] It says, well, I just need to send him the message that what you, your kids already know what they did is wrong.

[316] What they need are some tools to do it differently next time.

[317] And they've told you that.

[318] We just tend not to listen to them, right?

[319] When they say, I don't know what I was thinking.

[320] I don't know why I did that.

[321] If they were mature, they'd say, I don't know, I'd just get really upset all of a sudden.

[322] When things don't go my way or things change and everything feels like it's out of control.

[323] And so I'd just blurting stuff, blurt stuff out.

[324] And I don't want to do that because I know it hurts mom's feelings.

[325] I know I'm going to get in trouble.

[326] Show me a different way.

[327] And discipline means to teach, and my goal is not to reinforce my point or prove my point, let him know that I'm the authority figure, because he already knows that.

[328] And the way that I show that I'm in the authority figure, again, you've got to think through this stuff.

[329] The way I show the authority figure is that I'm cooling control of myself.

[330] When I start to lose it, I lose in a sense, my authority because now the kids looking up at this grown adult who's fuming and furious are lectures and badgers all the time and they lose respect for you right does that make sense the authority figures that i most look up to are the ones who stay cool and calm under pressure that i can count on when my world's out of control because i can know i can trust them right so as i'm going up the stairs i think what do i really want out of this.

[331] Okay, I want some contrition from my son.

[332] Yep, want him to apologize.

[333] I want to teach him a different way.

[334] And at the end of this, and this is one reason I want you to listen.

[335] If you don't have them already, get the discipline that works CDs.

[336] Email us or call us.

[337] Email my son, Casey at CelebrateCalm .com.

[338] C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[339] Email them and tell me you want that one.

[340] And here's why.

[341] Because good discipline, good firm, tough discipline always leads to a trusting relationship with your child.

[342] It doesn't always make them happy in the moment, but in the end, it produces trust, and that's what we want in all relationships.

[343] So I bend down, I pick up the Legos, and I walk upstairs, and I knock on his door.

[344] Now, do I have to knock on his door?

[345] No, I'm the adult.

[346] I have every right to barge into his room and start yelling at him, but I don't, because sometimes the most powerful tool with a strong -willed child is humility.

[347] because humility breaks down walls because the moment you go in and start reading the riot act and getting on your child, it produces a defensive response and these kids are very good at arguing and pushing your buttons and you'll lose it, right?

[348] So I knock on the door, I'm humbling myself and I'm respecting his space and I walk in his room and instead of addressing his behavior, I control my own and I remember this distinctly, I sat on his floor and I put the Legos down.

[349] and I started building with them, and it felt weird and odd.

[350] And a lot of the stuff that we teach feels weird and odd, but it works because you have kids that sometimes are a little bit odd, and weird stuff works with them.

[351] I sat and I started building with the Legos, and I didn't say a single word to my son, and I could feel him looking at me wondering, what is my dad doing on the floor just sitting there building with him?

[352] and you know what came to me as I was sitting there because I started to cry silently to it here's what I knew he was thinking why isn't he yelling at me because every other time my dad has come into the room he's yelled at me and called me stupid or he said why are you doing that what were you thinking that makes me feel stupid and he said you know what if you can't control yourself you're never going to be successful life you know what how are you ever going to be successful if you can't do this can't do this what were you thinking yelling your mother, but all those things that we tell our kids, if you would just apply yourself.

[353] You could be, listen, those words wound.

[354] I was with a lady the other night.

[355] This lady, I believe, she's about 40.

[356] She is a friend of the family.

[357] She has her PhD.

[358] She's a brain scientist, neurological brain scientist, PhD, really, really bright, and also has common sense, which is rare.

[359] for many PhDs, no offense, but she's very rare.

[360] And as we were talking to her, here's what she says, you know, I've always felt inadequate.

[361] And I was like, inside, seriously, you were one of the brightest, smartest people that I know, you help tons of people every day, you have more degrees than I will ever even dream of having in my life.

[362] And how do you feel inadequate that you're not good enough.

[363] And you know what came out?

[364] It was, and listen, there's no guilt in any of this, but I want us to own up to our issues.

[365] What came out is, when I was a kid, my parents never, ever really affirmed me. It was never, for her, it was back to her mother.

[366] It was never good enough for her.

[367] And I think what happened as we talked, she went on to get her PhD, not because she really wanted to, but because she wanted to prove to her parents that she was smart enough and good enough.

[368] And here's a 40 -year -old woman crying because at the top of her game, inside, she still feels inadequate.

[369] You know where that came from?

[370] Instances like this of what I did to my son for the first nine years of his life.

[371] And so as I'm sitting there building with Legos, I'm realizing the full weight of this, of what I've done to this kid, that he was just waiting up there for his father, who he wants to love and respect, who he wants to be like one day, he was waiting for me to come in and give the same lecture and yell at him again and take away his stuff.

[372] And instead, his father walks in and sits down on the floor and doesn't say a word.

[373] and that was one of the key moments that began to change our relationship.

[374] And you know what happened?

[375] And by the way, little side note, for those of you who are Christian parents, religious parents, you get a picture of this.

[376] And even if you're not, it's a great story and you should read it sometime because it's awesome.

[377] So I don't know if you ever heard this one of where Jesus is in the temple or he's outside in a courtyard somewhere and he's teaching all these people.

[378] and all of a sudden, the men in the community all drag in front of him, this prostitute who was caught in the act of committing adultery.

[379] And what does Jesus do?

[380] Did he lecture her?

[381] What were you thinking, doing that with a married man?

[382] What kind of tramp are you?

[383] You know what he did?

[384] He said he knelt on the ground and started drawing in the dirt.

[385] Really, really cool.

[386] Why?

[387] Because he didn't want to look on her shame.

[388] listen this is a powerful concept again even if you're not religious read it because it's powerful gives you insight into what the god of the universe had every right right then to establish his authority that what she was doing was wrong and read her the right act and the man that she apologized to the community and to him as god and instead the god of the universe kneels gets on down on his knees and avert his eyes from this woman because he didn't want to reinforce her shame because here's what he knew.

[389] She knew it was wrong.

[390] She knew it and she felt ashamed.

[391] But you know what?

[392] Many people, all of us at some point are like that.

[393] We do stupid stuff and we don't know why we do it.

[394] Maybe we're looking for love.

[395] Maybe we're just looking for acceptance.

[396] Some people get desperate in life and maybe she just needed the money and maybe she felt unworthy and making a few dollars from men who would come in and do this with her would make her feel love somehow.

[397] You know what the God of the universe what Jesus knew is that she knew what she was doing wrong.

[398] There was a deeper need there that she was trying to meet by doing something really wrong.

[399] And so it was mercy and compassion and humility that he showed that led her to a place, of repenting, of humbling herself, she knew it was wrong.

[400] What he wanted to do was not enforce some rule and some law in his household of, you can't do this.

[401] He wanted to change her heart, and that's what he did.

[402] And my goal when I walked into that room that day with my son was not just to prove that what he did was wrong, I wanted to change his heart.

[403] And that's what ended up happening.

[404] So if a couple minutes go by, my son, I kind of hear, slowly moves to the end of his bed and he climbs down his bed and he sits on the floor next to me and now you have a father and a son it could be a mother and a son a mother and a daughter a father and a daughter it doesn't matter could be a husband and wife doing this now we're sitting on the floor together building with Legos it's a beautiful scene and it's emotional right and it's like inside you're still going to be like when's he going to apologize when do I let you him and you don't have to because you're leading him to contrition.

[405] And you know what happens a couple minutes into this?

[406] Here's what I hear.

[407] Dad, I'm sorry.

[408] I shouldn't have yelled at mom like that.

[409] I shouldn't have yelled at you.

[410] I shouldn't have said those things.

[411] I'm sorry.

[412] And now I just got contrition.

[413] Now the heart is changing.

[414] And now I get to forgive him and I get to say, I know.

[415] You're overwhelmed and I get that and I forgive you and I get that.

[416] That's not my main, that's not what I want to get to though.

[417] I want to help you because look, tomorrow you're going to get overwhelmed with something.

[418] Every day of your life, you're going to get frustrated and overwhelmed and things aren't going to go your way.

[419] And the reason I want to help you is not just, is not for my sake.

[420] I don't need it.

[421] I don't need you to treat me a certain way.

[422] I'm a grown adult.

[423] I'm not offended by this.

[424] I've seen this before.

[425] I've done it myself before.

[426] It's because I love you and I know that like can be hard sometimes.

[427] And I want to teach you so that you're equipped for when things don't go your way.

[428] So tomorrow afternoon when you come home and things don't go your way, what are you going to do differently?

[429] How can you handle your frustration?

[430] Why don't we just have a code word?

[431] Why don't we just Legos?

[432] Next time you're upset, why don't you come into the kitchen when I'm not home?

[433] You can do it with mom or when I'm home and hold up some Legos and just say, hey, could we build with Legos?

[434] know why?

[435] Because that's a little code word, because most kids aren't mature enough to come and say, Mother, I'm feeling quite overwhelmed by all the stresses of life.

[436] Could we retire to the den and speak about my anxiety?

[437] They're not going to do that.

[438] So I want to give him tools, simple, practical tools.

[439] So when my son would come into the room sometimes, I could see it on his face and he'd hold up some Legos and say, Dad, did you come and build with me?

[440] He didn't really want to just play, usually.

[441] Now, sometimes he did, but in those cases, he didn't want to play.

[442] what he was really saying is I need your help and I know that you have wisdom to help me and I trust you will you come play with me will you come build with me because I want to build you know what it's a beautiful metaphor too of building because instead of tearing them down I was building with him and that's what I'd want to do is build a relationship does that all make sense so I want you to put this into practice your own way however you want to do this but it starts with controlling yourself and I want to encourage you to email us to call us because we can help you with this because we've done it right with we've done this with 600 ,000 people I know how this stuff works and I'll tell you about one special we have right now it's on our website celebrate calm .com we have this bag of CDs and we call getting the bag and the bag isn't all special it's a little canvas bag and it says got calm and we like giving that away so you can carry it around to remind you not to freak out on your kids but here's what's in the bag this month we've got four programs first one is called this it's called 30 days to And I want you to go through that in January.

[443] For the next 30 days, all of January, that's focused on just getting control of your own control issues, your own perfectionism, your own anxiety, all of these things attack you.

[444] We go through 30 specific action steps.

[445] And as you go through them, you can email me and I'll help you out with it.

[446] Because listen, this is about creating a new family tree, a new you.

[447] It's not about changing your child's behavior.

[448] It's about you becoming a new person and your kids following you.

[449] and respecting you as the authority figure because they see you changing.

[450] And I guarantee you this will change more than anything else that you do.

[451] Do that.

[452] Now, that usually that program I put together, I guarantee you it's like 10 therapy sessions.

[453] It's worth at least $1 ,000 worth of therapy where we do it for $150.

[454] And for $150, that's one appointment with a therapist.

[455] I'm going to give you at least 10 therapy sessions with that.

[456] you're going to change yourself and then we give you three different programs one of them is that discipline that works program get your kids to listen the first time that comes for free with it there's a program in there on understanding your strong -willed child which is invaluable and i want your kids to listen to that because they'll feel very understood with that and then the third program we put in there is our most popular thing we've ever done which is my son's program it's case case's program it's called straight talk for kids and your kids listen to that directly because it's my son speaking to your kids about his own issues and how he learned how to calm down and control himself.

[457] And it's very, very powerful because kids don't often listen to their parents, but they listen to my son because he's a cool kid and he plays guitar and he talks on their level.

[458] You get all that for 150 bucks now.

[459] I'll be honest with you.

[460] I wanted to raise the price.

[461] Case and I just had a little argument over.

[462] I said, why 150 bucks?

[463] That's not enough.

[464] We ought to be charging three, 400 bucks for that because it's going to change their home.

[465] And he's like, dad, sell for 150 bucks, we'll help more people.

[466] And I was like, I know, but I want them to have an investment.

[467] I want them to value it.

[468] And he's like, they'll value it at 150.

[469] So if you ever want to complain about pricing, complain about me, because I always want to charge more, not because I'm greedy, because I give away a lot of money, because that's just what we do here, right?

[470] And I don't have any problem with that at all.

[471] I don't have a problem with charging a lot of money because I think that it's worth it.

[472] I want people to value it.

[473] But this month, it's $150, right?

[474] And if you have trouble and you need help, with that email Casey at celebrate calm .com.

[475] C -A -S -E -Y.

[476] If you want to call, call 888 -506, 1871, and we'll talk to you personally.

[477] We're a family.

[478] We know what this is like.

[479] So if we can help you, let's do this.

[480] But here's my main point.

[481] Not to get you to buy our stuff, but you should because it's really good.

[482] It'll change your family.

[483] So it's always weird when you do that stuff, right?

[484] Because it's always like, he's just trying to sell stuff.

[485] Yeah, no, right?

[486] I want, look, I want you to get our stuff.

[487] Why?

[488] because making that investment and saying I'm finally going to change myself and saying we've done it this other way for the past three years or five years or first 14 years of my child's life it's not working most therapy hasn't worked because it's only focused on changing the child and fixing them when sometimes they don't need to be fixed they just need some tools instead I'm going to get this thing and I'm going to work on myself there's something magical that happens and we get that's where all the testimonials come from it's really cool so if you need help get it but here's what i really want for us this month let's put this time into controlling ourselves our own anxiety our own control issues picture that little story of how i went up and did that with my son how are you going to do that next time with your son it may be tonight it may be tomorrow sometime but they're going to get upset so how are you going to look at them and say you know what your world's out of control mine's not i can help you with this i'm the trusted authority figure in your life that provides for you and protects you.

[489] You can trust me and I can help you out.

[490] That's what my goal is.

[491] So thank you for listening to this.

[492] If we can help you in any way, let us know.

[493] We do live workshops all across, actually across the world.

[494] So if we can actually, if we can help you out with that email Casey again, we will come to your community, do a live presentation.

[495] And when we do that, we tell lots of stories like that one because it helps illustrate the key principles.

[496] Anyway, we love you.

[497] We want to help you.

[498] Bless your family.

[499] Thank you for listening and investing this time.