The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett XX
[0] Did you know that the DariVosio now has its own channel exclusively on Samsung TV Plus?
[1] And I'm excited to say that we've partnered with Samsung TV to bring this to life, and the channel is available in the UK, the Netherlands, Germany and Austria.
[2] Samsung TV Plus is a free streaming service available to all owners of Samsung Smart TVs and Galaxy mobiles and tablets.
[3] And along with the Dyeravisio channel, you'll find hundreds of more channels with entertainment for everyone all for free on Samsung TV plus.
[4] So if you own a Samsung TV, tune in now and watch the Dyer of a Cio channel, right now.
[5] This is probably the most, you know, popular question, I'm sure you get, which is like, how do you keep it fresh?
[6] What advice would you give me to keep my sex life with a partner I've been with for X amount of years, still fresh, exciting and, you know, exploratory?
[7] Yeah, I think it's the question everyone wants the answer to it.
[8] It's it is about, I suppose, first thing, acknowledging that it might be different to how it used to be.
[9] So again, one of I think the biggest hurdles people can get kind of tripped over on is it's not the same as it used to be or it changed.
[10] Now, why does that mean it's worse?
[11] You know, actually perhaps the quality of the sex that people might be having might be better because they know each other better, they understand each other's bodies better, they feel more in tune with each other.
[12] So it's understanding that you might be in a different phase or stage and that's okay.
[13] It doesn't have to be, you know, that famous phrase, the honeymoon period that kind of everybody quotes or goes back to.
[14] So I think that is one thing.
[15] And I think actually kind of carving out the time and the space and the effort and not seeing that as a bad thing, not seeing that as problematic that we have to be a bit more conscious of that part of our relationships is a huge, huge factor.
[16] because what the kind of common narrative we see in society, I suppose, is if I have to make an effort for this, then there must be something wrong with that because sex should be spontaneous, should be something that just happened.
[17] That's what it says in the movies.
[18] Which is part of the problem, right?
[19] Because that's one of the most easily accessible visual versions of sex that we have.
[20] We don't see into other people's sex lives in the same way.
[21] Now what we do see is, social media or pictures of couples or images of couples or and we make assumptions about them super naive question but i'm sure it's one of the most popular questions you get asked which is like is there a healthy amount of times for a couple to have sex per week or whatever and you know one would assume that changes over time right because i think i know just judging by my relationships we start like fucking energizer bunny rabbits and then you know life happens but is there you know and I hate these questions because that again they're so like unnuanced and so like narrow but is there an average amount of times that couples you would you know if you had to answer this question and not swerve it in this for the sake of nuance what would the answer be I would like to know what you think the answer is I think I think again content I'm going to go into nuance in here, but context matters.
[22] Like if you live on opposite sides of the world, then obviously there's barriers.
[23] But if you're living in the same house, if you're cohabiting, living in the same house, I'd think like at least twice a week.
[24] You know, once in the weekend, Tuesday.
[25] I don't know.
[26] But where, okay, so where do you think that idea of twice a week would comes from?
[27] Just looking at my schedule.
[28] I'm like, where can I find time probably like once in the week and then on the weekends I have a bit more time so yeah but I mean it obviously changes over time I feel like I'd probably have sex every night but if I you know but just energy levels and yeah what's the answer then so someone I interviewed talked about the amount of sex we have as a red herring So the kind of regularity of sex doesn't determine like the satisfaction of it or the kind of pleasure of it or the enjoyment of it.
[29] And I think what it feels like we've been trying to do is find an objective way of measuring sex.
[30] So it's this idea of, okay, well, we're all trying to find the answer to sex, like how to be good at sex, like what that looks like, how to know where we pitch ourselves against everyone else.
[31] and regularity is one of the only kind of objective measures we have of that so it's the one that we kind of will lean into or we want to know the answer to whereas what I would say is I don't think we do have an idea of I don't know what kind of modern like surveys say there's a big survey that's done kind of every few years but I haven't actually seen the results of that one yet but what about the monkeys how often are they do I haven't asked them I haven't asked them So what are the orangutangang is doing?
[32] I haven't got a clue.
[33] Okay, I need to find out.
[34] Maybe your next guest?
[35] Yeah, I was like a geologist or something.
[36] But I think that the thing is, is working out again, and what we're looking for is a measure of like how we're doing.
[37] Yeah, by knowing that answer.
[38] And I think one of the things is for some couples, it might be, as you said, they might kind of work in different countries.
[39] It might be every time they see each other.
[40] They have great sex.
[41] and that's enough.
[42] That works for them.
[43] For other couples, it might be we have sex once a month and it's really good.
[44] You know, we're both enjoying ourselves and we feel like I need some at.
[45] Great.
[46] For other people, it might be once a week.
[47] You know, I think it's about determining like what your normal is or what is right for you.
[48] But again, the kind of worries and anxieties and stresses come from, A, we're not having enough sex.
[49] Why is that?
[50] Is it because my partner is no longer attracted to me?
[51] That tends to be the first thing people go to.
[52] What's going on?
[53] Is it because our relationship isn't working?
[54] When we don't have a clear kind of obvious answer, like we've just had a baby, for example.
[55] So there's the assumptions that go with that.
[56] Why has sex changed?
[57] What's going on?
[58] But also the, well, everyone else is having sex once a week and we're having sex once a month.
[59] So that we must have a problem.
[60] there must be something wrong with us.
[61] What is the single biggest killer of relationships in the modern age in 2021 in your view?
[62] If you have to say this one thing is the biggest killer of relationships, what would it be?
[63] Unrealistic expectations.
[64] One of the big problems, you talked about it earlier, this idea of what we see in the movies, so we're like, oh, that's what it's like.
[65] so then when it's not like that we're disappointed our partner fails us they haven't met our expectations they haven't met all of our needs you know we talk about this idea lots of relationship experts talk about this idea of how we shouldn't expect one person our partner to meet every single one of our needs but we do and so they're kind of doomed to fail then in that way so how do we change that how do we start to kind of like open that up how do we you know we have other relationships in our lives we have family we have friends we have colleagues you know we need to start to think about like how we can do that for ourselves and then we work with our partners to create something together and lastly just a wrap sort of loop around from the from the start what are the if you were to say that there were similarities in couples that do enjoy great sexual relationship just principles top line principles what are those sort of key distilled top -line principles?
[66] Such a big question.
[67] Communication, yeah, is like top of the tree.
[68] And I think it's top of the tree.
[69] And I think it's the one that people don't want to hear because it's less actionable and it's quite scary.
[70] Yeah, exactly.
[71] It's like, in a way, I think talking about it is the hardest thing to do.
[72] But it is, you know, any relationship kind of expert, any expert in the sexual kind of well -being, health space will say to you that communication is that and then it's like okay but how do I do that and you know we talk about these communication exercises things like kind of speaking from your own position so like I say so there's a place called the Gottman Institute and they have you know done so much research on couples but it's this ownership like my feelings are I'm feeling my perspective is because actually what you're not saying to your partner is you.
[73] Yeah, it's not blame.
[74] It's not blame, exactly.
[75] So I think that the communication part and like positive communication is a big part of that, but it's that breakaway from assumption.
[76] It's like clarification or assumption.
[77] Assumption is what trips us up so much of the time because we're mind reading.
[78] We think we know what our partner's going to say before they say it, so we don't even give them a chance.
[79] Did you know that the Dario of a CEO now has its own channel exclusively on Samsung TV Plus?
[80] And I'm excited to say that we've partnered with Samsung TV to bring to life, and the channel is available in the UK, the Netherlands, Germany and Austria.
[81] Samsung TV Plus is a free streaming service available to all owners of Samsung Smart TVs and Galaxy mobiles and tablets, and along with the Dyer of a CO channel, you'll find hundreds of more channels with entertainment for everyone all for free on Samsung TV Plus.
[82] So if you own a Samsung TV, tune in now and watch the Dyeravisio channel right now.