This May Save Your Relationship

[0] Hey moms, we talk on the podcast all the time about making self -care a priority, because when you're tired and you don't feel like yourself, it's hard to be that calm mom you want to be.

[1] That's why I'm excited to introduce Happy Mammoth, creators of all natural products such as hormone harmony.

[2] Hormone harmony contains science -backed herbal extracts called adaptogens.

[3] Adaptogens help the body adapt to any stressors, like chaotic, hormonal changes that happen naturally throughout a woman's life.

[4] Hormone harmony is for any woman with symptoms of hormonal changes, such as poor sleep and racing thoughts, even night sweats and feeling tired all the time.

[5] I feel like myself again.

[6] That's what women say over and over again in reviews of hormone harmony.

[7] It's time to feel like yourself again, moms.

[8] For a limited time, you can get 15 % off on your entire first order.

[9] at happy mammoth .com with the code calm at checkout.

[10] That's happy mammoth .com with the code calm.

[11] So if you follow us on Instagram, you'll notice that all of our videos are filmed from mountain peaks we've hiked, and what powers me is my AG1.

[12] For years, I've enjoyed the same morning routine.

[13] I mix one scoop of AG1 with water, shake it, and the first thing I put in my body is 75 vitamins, probiotics, prebiose, and whole food sourced ingredients.

[14] Check out a special offer at drinkag1 .com slash calm.

[15] AG1 lets you build a healthy daily habit that takes less than one minute and promotes gut health, supports immunity, and boosts energy.

[16] AG1 is a supplement I trust to provide the support my body needs daily.

[17] And that's why I'm excited that AG1 continues to be our partner.

[18] If you want to take ownership of your health, it starts with.

[19] with AG1.

[20] Try AG1 and get a free one -year supply of vitamin D3 and K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1 .com slash calm.

[21] That's drinkag1 .com slash calm.

[22] Check it out.

[23] So what do you do with the strong will child who makes everything difficult who won't listen to you who melts down?

[24] It's frustrating.

[25] But we're going to show you what to do today on the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[26] This is Kirk Martin, found our Celebrate Calm.

[27] You can find us at Celebrate Calm .com.

[28] You can email us any time.

[29] You're going to talk to our son Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, at Celebrate Calm .com.

[30] He'll help you with anything you need, and he gets you because he was the strong -willed child.

[31] So this is going to be a good podcast, a really good one, extremely important one, I think, insight into the strong -willed kids.

[32] And I know it's going to be good because I have wrestled with this.

[33] I have gone for hours and hours of walks wrestling over how to frame this, how to get this right.

[34] I've recorded already four different times on four different days.

[35] So it's irritating me, but that's when I know it's going to be good and it's going to help you.

[36] So let's set the scene.

[37] We went to the beach last weekend, set up our little spread as a family, and we notice a young family coming up, mom, grandma, aunts and uncles, and two little kids.

[38] there's a cute little blonde girl.

[39] We learned that her name is Emma.

[40] Well, everybody loves Emma because she sits and she plays and she sings happy songs.

[41] And then there's her slightly older, dark -haired sister who's intense, purposeful.

[42] You can see it on her face, right?

[43] And this is not a, not stereotyping, it's this.

[44] We had our own strong will child and we had 1 ,500 of these kids come into our home over the course of a decade.

[45] I'm pretty good at spotting that strong will child.

[46] She had it written all over her.

[47] So, her name's Sophie.

[48] We found that out because she got her name used a lot, basically from parents and grandparents yelling at her.

[49] So we heard this word Sophie, the name Sophie, a lot.

[50] So picture the scene.

[51] Sophie is twirling a plastic shovel.

[52] Well, of course she is.

[53] Because what everybody knows, and the And my mom made sure to tell her, Sophie, you don't twirl a shovel.

[54] It's used for digging.

[55] And my immediate thought is the strong -willed child will never ever do things the way you want them done.

[56] It's a fundamental precept and I believe it's true and it's going to irritate you.

[57] They're not going to do things the way that you want them done.

[58] And I'm not saying it's right, but it's how it is because the more compliant children will use the shovel to dig sand.

[59] and make a hole and maybe they're going to use the little things and make little castles and it's awesome we love those kids we love the little blonde girl emma because that's what she does but not sophy because you know what she finds out she wants to do like the little baton swirl but she doesn't have a baton so she picks up a plastic shovel little point here it's actually a big point i'm not saying it's right of her to do it but it's how they're made And we're going to have to come to grips with that, with your child, and actually encourage that and use that to your advantage.

[60] Because watch how this scene, watch it can unfold one of two ways.

[61] Here's a typical way.

[62] Sophie, Sophie, put down the shovel.

[63] And we're going to see what happens in a minute with that.

[64] But why couldn't we?

[65] Why can't we as grown adults calm ourselves down enough, stop reacting to everything?

[66] stop having so many control issues, why can't we take a step back and look at that daughter and say, from the time she has been born, she's always done things differently, because that mom could have said, Sophie, that's really cool.

[67] Why don't you show us how to twirl a baton, but you'd use a shovel because that's harder to do, because the weight distribution is harder.

[68] See strong old kids like the challenge.

[69] Who wants to twirl a baton when you can twirl a shovel?

[70] So Sophie, step back, go like 15 steps over there, and then show us we'd love to see.

[71] And then they can say, man, that's really hard to do, but you keep doing it because you're so persistent.

[72] Now, inside, you have every right to think, why is she so difficult?

[73] She's not just persistent, she's obstinate.

[74] It depends how you look at her.

[75] and then while she's twirling her little shovel, now you're affirming her and you're challenging her to do it.

[76] And if you challenge these kids to do something different that they're not necessarily supposed to do, they love it.

[77] But here's what happened.

[78] Sophie put the shovel down.

[79] Put the shovel down.

[80] Now, Sophie doesn't put it down right away.

[81] She hesitates.

[82] And I could see in her brain, she's calculating in her brain.

[83] She's like, I really like doing this.

[84] There's a challenge to it.

[85] There's probably also a sensory need that it feels really good to twist and twirl and try to control this thing that is kind of lopsided and weight.

[86] And you can see her calculating.

[87] Should she just put down the shovel because her mom asked her to?

[88] Absolutely.

[89] Will your strong will child do that?

[90] Probably not.

[91] And look, you can spend the rest of your life fighting this and trying to have the ideal that you want.

[92] And I have no problem with that.

[93] But just realize you will probably pick and choose hundreds and hundreds of power struggles over things that don't need to be power struggles.

[94] Because if you look inside, there's no blame or guilt, it's just recognizing, I have so many control issues and I want things done a certain way, right?

[95] And it's because you care about your kids and you want her to listen to the teachers and other people in life.

[96] But I'm asking you to relax a little bit because this little girl's calculating in her brain.

[97] And you're going to see it with your kids all the time.

[98] There's always a hesitation.

[99] And they're trying to figure out, well, is it worth it to play with a shovel?

[100] and get in trouble and usually it is right and so i know your brain may not work that way because you're like well when someone tells you to do it you should just do it well that's the way you're made and that's served you well in life unless you become too much of a people pleaser then you become resentful true because that's what little cute little emma's that's what her path is because she's the good child who always does what everybody else says and everybody loves her and she learns that if I'm just really good for people, they'll like me. Well, where that comes, she's going to struggles later in life, sometimes girls like that grow up and marry a controlling man. And they find that man because they learn, well, if I just am kind of submissive to him in a way that is not healthy, and I just, you know, I manage his emotions, and I do everything the way everybody wants me to do, then everybody will like me. And then she begins to think, like many of you have, well after all I do for you and yet you don't respect me and you don't do anything for me because you expected because you were so good everybody would reciprocate and they don't and little emma's probably going to experience that one day little emma may get into the workforce and realize it's kind of a dog -eat -dog world out of there and her just following directions all the time may not lead to promotions but sophy sophy when she gets into the corporate world or whatever she does probably not she could probably own her own business after she gets fired a few times she's going to be due just fine because she's going to stand up to any kind of controlling man and say i'm not going to marry you trying to control me that's not how it works i'm an equal partner here and you're going to treat me with respect and that's a really healthy thing and she's going to go into the workforce and she's going to figure her own way because she doesn't need to follow the rules all the time right now Again, I'm projecting into the future a little bit because it's kind of fun to see strong -wheel kids struggle in childhood, but usually in adult world, they're awesome.

[101] And you've said that before.

[102] If we could just get her or him to adulthood, he's going to do just fine.

[103] So she's calculating she doesn't put down the shovel.

[104] Mom's tone gets harsher, understandably.

[105] Look, I can't say when Casey was little, I did the same exact thing.

[106] Sophie put the shovel down now so Sophie does so well in doing so she loses her grip and guess what happens it hits mom on the head this is awesome when you're not the family and you're just watching so mom reacts furiously she was upset understandably so Sophie starts running off and we knew her name after this because both mom and grandma yelled at her, Sophie, come back, come back.

[107] And Case and I looked at each other, we looked at each other like, she's not coming back.

[108] She keeps walking away.

[109] Why?

[110] Because she's embarrassed and she knew she did something wrong and she needs space to calm down.

[111] It appears that she's being disobedient because she's not listening to her mother and grandmother.

[112] But what you have to realize is as soon as that shovel fell, boom, I know I'm going to get blamed because my mom and grandma think that I did it on purpose.

[113] And we misjudge these kids' motives all the time.

[114] And I will tell you, if you fall into that trap, you are going to have a world of pain ahead of you because that will cause an extreme amount of anger in your kids to think that their motives are judged all the time.

[115] Sophie didn't mean to hit her.

[116] her mom on the head.

[117] And the logical argument you will give is, well, if she just would have listened to her mother in the first place, it wouldn't have happened.

[118] And I get that.

[119] I agree with that.

[120] But it's just not how it works with the strong will kids.

[121] And why don't we ever set them up for success and say, Sophie, you know what I love?

[122] You love a challenge.

[123] You're trying to treat your shovel like a baton.

[124] Why don't you go stand over there and we'll watch and we'll actually show you how to do this and we'll affirm you.

[125] You could have changed the whole situation with one little change.

[126] And I know some of you're going to be like, er, I shouldn't have to change.

[127] And any men that are listening, usually dads are like, well, she just needs to listen.

[128] It's my way or the highway.

[129] Well, that's a great philosophy if you don't want to have a relationship with your child and if you want them to grow up and be really angry at you.

[130] And you angry at them.

[131] I just think that's how it works, right?

[132] And so this daughter is walking away because she needs time to calm down and she's embarrassed and you can see it.

[133] And you'd see her look back.

[134] She didn't go too far.

[135] She knew what the limits were.

[136] She walked just far enough away that she couldn't hear her parents and grandparents' annoying voice, but just enough away so she could dig in the dirt so she could look at the water and she could touch the water.

[137] And then she came back on her own.

[138] Now, while Sophie's away, little Emma continues to sing and enchant mom and grandma under the umbrella.

[139] And you can see the charming good child and that kind of brooding, challenging child dynamic at play.

[140] And it's been at play since the beginning of time.

[141] From the time of Adam, from the time the story of Cain and Abel, from this time all through, you look at ancient Roman literature, Greek literature, back to the Mesopotamians.

[142] All ancient literature tells this story.

[143] and it's still playing out in our day.

[144] So, Sophie comes walking back with her aunt and uncle.

[145] You can tell that it's her aunt uncle because they're happy and carefree.

[146] I'm kidding, kind of.

[147] But it's true.

[148] It's true.

[149] Aunt and uncle, they don't have kids yet.

[150] So they're like playing in the waves, walking around, doing whatever they want.

[151] And you know what thought hit me when we were sitting there is kids are really inconvenient.

[152] They are.

[153] This takes work.

[154] because that mom and grandma with little Emma sitting there is awesome.

[155] But Sophie doesn't sit.

[156] She's always moving and you're trying to come on vacation and you want to just sit.

[157] But you're going to have to get up and walk with these kids.

[158] By the way, that is a huge insight.

[159] I know it sounds very simple.

[160] But from the time all through our family, we have kids on the spectrum and one of my nieces, I just learned with her if you would just walk with her.

[161] next to her let her explore a little bit she would open up to you and we would have the best talks and all the kids is 1500 kids that came to the camp if i would just simply go walk with them and be active with them it was helpful but we want them to be like us and we want them to just sit still and it doesn't work and i want you to get to know your kids and how their brains work and stop imposing everything of yours because who says that you're right all the time just because you are the authority figure doesn't mean that you're right all the time.

[162] And sometimes, and I get it, this is really hard stuff, but it will change you if you embrace it and you learn about your child that they're not like you and they're different from you and they will open up new worlds to you and they will root out all of your immaturity and your control issues and your anxiety and they're a gift to you, but you have to embrace it.

[163] And so watch what happens.

[164] Sophie comes walking back up with her aunt and uncle and what do the mom and grandma have to say, Sophie, would you like to tell your aunt and uncle what you just did?

[165] Nothing like a good public shaming to harden your child's heart.

[166] And I get that because in case we do the same thing, right?

[167] We feel compelled for some reason, right, to do this, to say, like, would you like to tell?

[168] Right.

[169] And what do you think's going to happen to Sophie?

[170] Do you think she's like, well my mom told me to put down the shovel but I didn't want to because it was really interesting and I was treating it like a baton and so I kept doing it a little bit and then she told me and she was a little bit gruff so I did it but then it slipped out of my hands and it hit my mom in the head and that's why I'm such a bad child and as you can see my little sister's sitting there and everybody loves her but I'm the difficult one and I can tell when I walk away from you you talk about me and you're concerned about me and everybody's kind of against me because that's how they feel, by the way.

[171] And everybody's against me. So I'm just a bad kid.

[172] So if you want, I can tell you all the other bad things that I did as well.

[173] Like what, right?

[174] Like that's not going to help, right?

[175] Why do we feel compelled to do that?

[176] And while I was walking this morning thinking about this, I had this little image.

[177] And for those of you who are religious, you might recognize it in the story of the prodigal son.

[178] And I pictured, what if mom in this situation had done this?

[179] this story of the prodigal son the prodigal the bad guy goes away does all this bad stuff comes back home and while he's a long way off his father runs out to him and throws his arms around him what if this mom and i'm not condemning the mom this is hard stuff it's hard hard hard stuff but it's but let me make this clear it's a lot easier than having continual power struggles and and and and a bad relationship and thinking that your child's awful and them not liking you.

[180] It's a whole lot easier than that.

[181] Look, to be honest, it's not that hard.

[182] Why?

[183] I control myself and look how different this could be.

[184] Instead, I could have, I could have proactively just said, huh, my daughter likes spinning that.

[185] Huh, that's interesting.

[186] I look down the beach and I see none of the other children are spinning a shovel in their hands.

[187] Well, my daughter's always been different.

[188] So how can I use that to my advantage.

[189] Maybe she thinks it's a baton and she likes the challenge.

[190] Sophie, go stand over there and then you can put on a show and show us how good you are at twirling.

[191] Because one day, maybe you'll be whatever it is, right?

[192] You could be in cheer and you can do this and you can do all kinds of awesome things and we'd love to see that.

[193] When her daughter's walking back to her, she can realize instead of, well, I just need to ream her.

[194] I need to let her know.

[195] what she did is wrong, I could have stepped out of all of that ick in my own heart and said, hmm, my daughter's coming back to me. That mom could have gotten up out of her chair and met Sophie halfway in between and gotten down on knees and said, Sophie, you know what I'm proud of you for?

[196] You walked away and you calmed yourself down and you came back to me. And that shows me that you're growing up.

[197] And then you give little Sophie a hug and go for a walk with her.

[198] you just change that entire situation but instead it's hey you want to tell your aunt and uncle what you just did it doesn't it doesn't work right and so this is why i've got three points here three or four points here uh of things that i would do is we can't misjudge the motives you've got to get to know your kids right and and what they're like we've got this program it's called um enjoy your strong will child how to stop the power struggles look i'm just i'll be honest this is what i was thinking when i was going for my walk this morning.

[199] That program alone is worth 200 bucks.

[200] It is because it's going to give you insight into your kids that you don't have so that you can understand them so you can stop the power struggles and actually enjoy them.

[201] That alone, the insight in the one program is worth that because you spent money on therapists and behavior therapy where they're like, well, you just need to be tough and have boundaries and set your consequences and be firm.

[202] You've already done all of that.

[203] It doesn't work with these kids.

[204] You have to understand what they're like.

[205] I just encourage you, if you have our CD programs, listen to them repeatedly.

[206] And the reason we want you to listen to them is because we show you insight into your kids, but we show you how to discipline, how to motivate, how to stop the meltdowns and the power struggles.

[207] There's a CD series for Just Moms on having self -respect, on dads, how to de -escalate.

[208] There's a CD program for kids to listen to from Casey, right?

[209] He teaches, my son teaches your kids because they listen to another kid, how to calm their own emotions.

[210] and they feel very understood.

[211] And there's some stuff on motivating and screen time and sibling fights, all of that we put together in the Calm Parenting Package.

[212] If you go to celebrate calm .com, you'll find it there.

[213] And it's not even 200 bucks.

[214] And you get like 10 programs, 25, 30 hours worth of instruction and insights that you can use this summer.

[215] Do it this summer.

[216] You have time.

[217] Look, there's no pressure from schoolwork over the summer.

[218] So you have time to work on the deeper things and understand your kids.

[219] if you need help financially with it email Casey right just email Casey C -A -S -E -Y celebrate calm and say look here are the kids ages here's what we're struggling with what would you recommend here's our budget we will help you but I want you to work on this number one we have to stop my motive misjudging their motives right because they will they will they will they will resist you they become very angry and they'll start to internalize I'm the bad kid I'm the done kid.

[220] We tend to escalate in shame instead of calming them, right?

[221] And so that's one way of, you know, we talk a lot about humility.

[222] Humility leads to contrition.

[223] Does, did the mom in this situation have every right to yell at her daughter and say, what you did was wrong, blah, blah, of course she did.

[224] But it tends to escalate things.

[225] But if she had gotten up and met her daughter halfway and said, you know what, you know what's really cool?

[226] Instead of escalating things, instead of throwing things, instead of getting upset and yelling at me, you walked away because you know that walking away and having a little bit of alone time is a really good, and it's actually a really mature calming strategy.

[227] How many of us need to do that?

[228] How many of the husbands out there need to learn how to walk away for a few minutes and then come back when you're calm?

[229] And that's exactly what Sophie did.

[230] She did, she did the adult thing in that situation.

[231] She did.

[232] She calmed herself down and I guarantee you if mom had met her and said I'm proud of you for that.

[233] Sophie would have said mom I'm sorry I'm sorry I didn't put the shovel down is your head okay right she would have because contrition right contrition comes when we lead our kids to contrition it's much better than a forced apology I want an apology right now fine sorry it's all you're gonna get right because they could have bonded and this is third point this is really important we tend to notice us what they do wrong rather than affirming what they did well, right?

[234] And that's when you get to bond with your kids and say, you know what, I know that you were wrong and you shouldn't have done that.

[235] But what I like is you walked away, calmed yourself down.

[236] Look, can you help me with something?

[237] Because you're really strong.

[238] And you know what was interesting?

[239] This girl never stopped moving.

[240] Never.

[241] We watched Sophie walk and it was low tide.

[242] So there's a long, there's a long, probably 40 yards of beach between their blanket and the water.

[243] She carried these pails down to the water, filled them up, brought them up, dumped them in this hole she had made for her sister.

[244] And she did that again and again and again and again.

[245] She is relentless, right?

[246] And she just kept doing it while everybody else was sitting.

[247] She never stopped moving.

[248] So why, look, we miss it.

[249] Why not affirm that?

[250] Sophie, you're so strong and you're so persistent.

[251] You're so helpful, refilling, carrying all these pails of water like that.

[252] Thank you for that.

[253] See, why not use that?

[254] See, because all that happened in this situation is we love little Emma because she just sits still and sings and she's happy.

[255] But that's not who your kids are sometimes.

[256] They're moving.

[257] Doing stuff.

[258] That sensory exercise.

[259] They want to feel things.

[260] They want to pick things up.

[261] You could tell she loved.

[262] Why else would a kid?

[263] carry those heavy pails back and forth again and again in the heat because it felt good when she's carrying things and so if you can step back and observe your kids see when sophie gets upset for now i want to give her i want to give her physical things to do to carry things to dig things right it's extremely helpful and when you can do that with your kids you will find they listen to you more because they don't feel like the bad kid and i want to say that i'm say this statement a couple times.

[264] I'm going to put it in a newsletter.

[265] So if you don't get our newsletter, sign up at celebratecom or email Casey.

[266] He'll sign you up because then you can get kind of, I'm going to do like some written notes from this podcast and you get it in the newsletter and it's all free.

[267] So sign up for it.

[268] And again, reach out to Casey if you need help with anything.

[269] But this is really important.

[270] We get so focused on trying to change their behavior.

[271] We get so annoyed that they're so challenging.

[272] Mom, dads, I get that.

[273] They're annoying.

[274] They're difficult.

[275] They're challenging.

[276] I get it.

[277] I get it.

[278] I get it.

[279] We knew 1 ,500 one of them, one of them being our son.

[280] And that's Casey, the one that you're going to talk to.

[281] If you reach out to us, we get so focused on trying to change their behavior.

[282] We get so annoyed that they're so different, so challenging, that we forget to see they're just kids who want to be liked, who want to be affirmed, who want to be accepted as they are, just like you, just like me, just like every other person on this planet.

[283] I'm going to read it again.

[284] It's internalized.

[285] Maybe in a different way.

[286] Stop trying to control their behavior all the time.

[287] stop getting so annoyed because they're so different use that to see what's inside of you what is inside of you what are those triggers that can push and change yourself control yourself so you can enjoy them because i promise you if you don't learn to like and affirm and accept these kids as they are even if they're difficult and challenging i promise you'll just have power struggles their entire lives and the hard part is when they get to be teenagers there's rages and they get angry and they'll shut down and you can't do anything about it and we don't want these kids seeking other kids who've been rejected why do you think kids who are like this end up among the so -called bad group of kids it's because they're seeking acceptance and so what do they inherently know all these other kids who have been rejected by society guess what they'll accept me because finally someone understands me. Try ripping your child apart from that group.

[288] Not going to happen, right?

[289] Because I found a group of kids who understands me. And so I want you to do that from a young age.

[290] If you have teenagers, it's not too late.

[291] We can show you how to do that.

[292] Reach out to Casey.

[293] We have the no BS program.

[294] It's a great one for your teenagers who are angry, who feel different.

[295] But the calm parenting package we have on sale.

[296] We've slashed the price is like 60%.

[297] We understand that people are struggling right now.

[298] A lot of you are out of work or had your income reduced.

[299] Reach out to us.

[300] We are here to help.

[301] We want you to understand your strong will kids.

[302] And final word is, I want you to enjoy.

[303] I want you to learn to enjoy your strong will child.

[304] Because once you start to enjoy them, you will turn all of these power struggles, most of them, you will turn them into opportunities to bond with you.

[305] And it's a beautiful, beautiful, really cool thing.

[306] And you can do this.

[307] You just need some tools to do that.

[308] That's why we're here.

[309] Hey, thank you.

[310] you for listening thank you for being a parent it's hard work but look if you start doing it this way it's so much easier than fighting all the time love you all talk to you soon bye