Defiance: 3 Scripts with Your Kids

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[24] Hey, everybody.

[25] This is Kirkmartin, founder, Celebrate Calm.

[26] You're well listening to the Calm Parenting podcast.

[27] We're going to talk about defiance today.

[28] You know why?

[29] Because you have kids that are often defiant.

[30] And a lot of your kids are very strong -will kid.

[31] They're not going to listen to you the first time, right?

[32] They're going to always, when you tell them to do something, they're going to ask why.

[33] They often will melt down over things.

[34] Some of your kids will just flat out refuse and say, no, I'm not doing it.

[35] Some of them, in an even more annoying manner, will just simply ignore you and not even listen to you, right?

[36] And then a lot of times what you have is, you know, a lot of the defiance you're going to see is because your kids are anxious and they have anxiety.

[37] And when you're really anxious, you look very, very inward and you try to control everything.

[38] And so when you try to control everything, usually become defiant, sometimes disrespectful towards your parents.

[39] And so I'm not going to handle that tonight because that's what we do on all of the CD programs allow us.

[40] Look, the podcasts are cool, but I give you a couple stories.

[41] the programs that we've recorded just go into a lot more detail and we get to hit it from like 15 different angles instead of just one, right?

[42] So you're going to have kids who are overwhelmed at times, right?

[43] Because watch what happens when you and I get overwhelmed.

[44] We kind of shut down and when someone comes along and asks us to do something or even just do something with them, our first impulse is usually to say no. Why?

[45] It's kind of a self preservation thing.

[46] That happens as well.

[47] So you have to get to the root of it.

[48] But in this podcast, I just want to hit three different ways you can handle kids, kind of using the wrong tone with you, talking back to you, rolling their eyes.

[49] So let me do the first one.

[50] It's kind of a fun response, and I don't necessarily recommend it, but I just like to have fun.

[51] So as many of you know, our son Casey is extremely strong -willed, still is, which helps him be extremely successful.

[52] And he at times has a little bit of mouth on him.

[53] And so I remember there were days where you could just see the glimmer, the little twinkle in his eyes.

[54] And he still gets it.

[55] And he just wants to have a go at it, right?

[56] He kind of just wants to argue.

[57] And so there were times at which, and this, again, is not my favorite strategy, but there were times when he would come after me and I'd look at him and say, you know what case, I think you're absolutely right.

[58] And then I'd walk away.

[59] And it would so irritate him because I knew.

[60] He was looking for the argument.

[61] He wanted to engage.

[62] And I didn't plan on saying this.

[63] But you know what he's really looking for?

[64] And we've talked about it before is the brain stimulation, the intensity.

[65] And there were times at which I'd say, hey, look, I know what you're going after right now.

[66] I know you're probably bored.

[67] I know you worked up.

[68] I know something else is going on.

[69] And so you just want to engage and you want to suck me into an argument.

[70] It's just not going to happen because I don't go into the courtroom with an eight years.

[71] year old, a 14 year old, 22 year old, just not how I roll.

[72] So if you want to get that brain stimulation in a positive way and you want me to give you some positive intensity, oh, I can do that.

[73] Let's talk about X, Y, and Z. And I lead him to another place, but I don't ever react to a child.

[74] By the way, I don't ignore kids, but I also don't react to them.

[75] I respond to them and I give them wisdom and I give them tools.

[76] And I try to read them and let them know what's really going on inside of them because usually they don't even know.

[77] They're just reacting out of all kinds of ick and other stuff going on inside of them.

[78] So my job is to give them wisdom and to show them how life works because that's what teaching is.

[79] It's not say, I can't believe that you would talk to me like that.

[80] After all, I've done for you, that's your issue.

[81] And you need to stop doing that.

[82] Does that sound harsh?

[83] Too bad.

[84] You need to stop doing it.

[85] You know why?

[86] Because it's ruining your relationship.

[87] Right?

[88] You keep doing it again and again.

[89] and I know you can have all kinds of excuses and justification.

[90] Well, you don't know how to find my child is.

[91] Yeah, I do.

[92] I had that child.

[93] Guess what?

[94] I'm the same way.

[95] I'm pretty aware of how defiant I can be.

[96] And so I'm aware of that.

[97] We had 1 ,500 of these kids in my home.

[98] They all try different tactics and strategies on me. So I get that.

[99] But the one thing I know in life is there's one person in life I can control, and that's myself.

[100] And when I learn how to control myself, I can diffuse situations.

[101] instead of always escalating them.

[102] And I encourage you to do that.

[103] So what happens if you have a daughter or son?

[104] I don't care what age they are, right?

[105] And they come at you with that tone.

[106] Well, there's a couple different ways to handle it.

[107] By the way, a quick note, because I don't do sponsorships on here.

[108] So you just have to put up, I sponsor myself.

[109] So we have something really cool.

[110] As a family, we decide to do like an early access to a Christmas sale.

[111] Right?

[112] And look, I get it.

[113] Like, they start Christmas now, like, right.

[114] like the moment Halloween ends and what I don't care don't get all worked up about it it's just the way it works for us you know what it is we're in a giving mood we want to change people's lives and we love when you get our stuff because here's what I know a few months later when I talk to you you're going to be like hmm things have really changed because when you buy our programs and you listen to them you become very intentional and these strategies become top of mind and your kids listen as well so put them on in the background and your kids will understand this stuff very quickly and feel very understood.

[115] But what happens is people invest in something like this become very intentional and say, drawing the line, I'm going to stop this.

[116] So go to our website, celebrate calm .com.

[117] You'll see a little tab there for Christmas.

[118] We are doing the lowest price we've ever done on these, on all of our programs.

[119] And we decided to do that.

[120] Because it means you get access to it and you get to change your family.

[121] And look, it's cheaper than going to a therapist.

[122] and cheaper and all the other stuff you're going to buy for Christmas.

[123] And this will actually change your family for generations, restore your relationships.

[124] It's kind of a cool thing.

[125] By the way, if you already have all of our CD programs, email Casey, the strong -willed one, Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[126] And he can help you up because we've got a no -b -S program.

[127] We've got some other programs that we like to go, that we want you to go through after you've done the foundational work of the CDs.

[128] So email them, and he'll help you out and say, I want to help you.

[129] a Christmas sale on that.

[130] And we'll be like, here you go.

[131] Because that's how we roll, because it's our company.

[132] We can do what we want.

[133] There's not some corporate structure sending down, I am the corporation.

[134] We are the corporation.

[135] Guess what?

[136] You're a family to us.

[137] So we try to treat you like family.

[138] Although for some of you, that's not a good thing.

[139] So let me rephrase that.

[140] We'll treat you as family, should treat you.

[141] Okay.

[142] So Casey used to come at me at times, and he'd have that tone in his voice and you know that tone and if you want you can respond with your own tone right you're not going to talk to me like that how many times have i told you doesn't work right so one day i step back those of you know our process you step back give a child a chance to step up you step back you don't react you think for a second say huh case you know what i've noticed is the last 87 times you don't have to say that but last 87 times you can just say like look what i've noticed is whenever you use that tone with me, what it tells me is you're anxious, you're frustrated, or you're hungry, because those are our son's three triggers to this day at age 26.

[143] So it looks on two options.

[144] You may continue to talk to me that way, but I just promise if you do, you're going to lose all your stuff.

[145] It's not going to end well with you.

[146] Look, there's no need for a big threat.

[147] I just let them know how I roll, even matter of fact, tone because that lets them know.

[148] I'm not going to get all flustered, I'm not going to get drawn into a big fight, and I know how life works, because when you talk to me like that, this is just how it works.

[149] But, and the energy always goes to problem solving.

[150] But if you want to grab some chips, I'll grab some salsa.

[151] I'll meet you out on the deck.

[152] I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with.

[153] Again, I've done this in previous podcasts in different ways of calming kids down.

[154] You can't always go outside.

[155] You can't always do something with one single child there, and I've done this with multiple kids, right?

[156] But the point is I've begun, I hear him and I begin to identify for him, look, I think I know why you're sounding like this.

[157] You can even say it in your head like, hey, think I'm pretty aware, think I know why you're being such a jerk right now.

[158] Just say that to yourself.

[159] But what I'm communicating is, look, I'm the grown up, I'm the adult, I'm the mature one here.

[160] I've noticed some patterns in your life.

[161] And when I hear this tone in your voice, it usually tells me one of three things is going on.

[162] So, we can go down that road.

[163] Probably not going to end well.

[164] But, by the way, stop taking everything personally, because I just heard my voice, like all the guys out there like, yeah, my son's never going to talk to me like that.

[165] I was like, why?

[166] Like, what, you never talk to anybody like that?

[167] You never have a bad day.

[168] You're just always perfect all the time.

[169] What, he's disrespecting you.

[170] Can I be blunt?

[171] You're the grown up.

[172] You're the grown up.

[173] Start acting like it.

[174] right stop being like a big big oh but i'm the authority figure in the home kids are supposed to you're the authority figure which means you're supposed to be the leader in the home and the leader doesn't react and the reader doesn't walk around demanding things the leader doesn't walk around expecting be treated all perfectly the leader's a grown -up mature person who knows how to handle real effing life sorry this is a christmas message didn't mean for that to come out but sometimes you have to hear it like that you have to hear it with a little bit of intense thing and right i'm not badgering you with this but i want to get through to you and not be like well you know i don't like that tone myself as a man i just like to be told when i'm being a little you know what and i like to be able to look you got to grow up i like that kind of talk like give it to me straight so this is not meant to be disrespectful to you but to say grow up and stop acting like your kids are supposed to walk on eggshells around you and say oh the king has entered the room no Your job is to be the grown -up and be mature and be able to handle your kids when they're at their worst so that they can trust you.

[175] And if you want to know one thing I want more than anything else for all of us, between now and the end of the year, the Christmas gift to your kids is to let them know you're dealing with the grown -up and when your world is out of control, mine's not.

[176] So if anything happens in your life and you're anxious and frustrated and you're overwhelmed and you don't know what to do, you can come to me. because I'm a trusted advisor and I'll give you good wisdom and I'm going to step back and let you make some choices.

[177] I'm just going to give you some wisdom and I can help you no matter what's going on.

[178] Otherwise, it's just, look, your kids aren't going to respect you.

[179] Guys out there, they're not going to respect you.

[180] They just fear you a lot of times because like, oh, you're not going to talk to me like that.

[181] I never talk to my father like that.

[182] And I get that because my dad was that way.

[183] But it doesn't mean it's the right way just because your dad did it that way.

[184] You have a chance to actually create a new generational pattern in your home, in which the men, the women, the moms, the dad's in the home, can actually control themselves so their kids learn how to control themselves.

[185] It's a really cool thing.

[186] You know why else I like chips and salsa?

[187] Because you never see two people eating chips and salsa yelling at each other, right?

[188] If you see two people eating chips and salsa, they're usually relaxing and have a good time.

[189] Throwing a couple margaritas, everybody's happy.

[190] The point is, it changes the dynamic for, a face off against you because the attitude that you're using to, I can tell there's something going on with you and I'm not going to engage on that level.

[191] But if you want to come do something else with me, and again, you can make up a thousand different things that you could do with them.

[192] If you want to do that, I could help you problem solve here so you don't lose all your stuff.

[193] And so we actually get to a solution.

[194] Does that make sense?

[195] It's really cool.

[196] So do one more.

[197] Let's say that you've got, I'm just going to use this.

[198] You've got a teenage daughter.

[199] It can be a son.

[200] It could be older, younger, whatever.

[201] rolling your eyes at you talking back to you you have every right to say young lady you're not going to treat me like that and i'm fine with that but here's some language and you'll hear it more fully developed on the cd programs because i just don't have time in a podcast to do all of them but here's what it is honey listen the truth is i don't need you to respect to me because i have something called self -respect and self -respect says when people treat me like that i don't turn around and then take them and run them all over the place and feed them and serve them because I have something called self -respect.

[202] By the way, I really want you to work on the self -respect.

[203] You'll hear that on a straight talk for moms program because we talk about, especially for moms and dads, but moms a lot.

[204] Your kids don't respect your time because you don't respect your time.

[205] And you can't demand respect from another person.

[206] You have to demonstrate something called self -respect.

[207] It's a powerful, powerful concept that I want you to get a hold of.

[208] So look, I don't need you to respect me because I have something called self -respect.

[209] The truth is, honey, teenager, younger child, the reason I want you to respect me, it's not for my own sake, it's for you.

[210] See, the reason I wanted my son to respect me, I don't need his respect.

[211] I'm not looking for validation from a child as a parent.

[212] I want him to respect me because I know when he respects me, good things happen to kids who respect their parents, right?

[213] So, honey, here's what I know, you're 12, you're 14, you're going to want to have all this freedom.

[214] You're going to want to go to sleepovers, birthday parties, and high school football games.

[215] You're going to want to get your driver's license one day.

[216] And I want you to have all that freedom.

[217] But here's what I know.

[218] Every time you roll your eyes at me, every time you talk back to me, what it communicates is you're not mature enough to handle that freedom.

[219] See, because four -year -olds, when they don't get what they want, they roll their eyes and talk back and throw a tantrum.

[220] And so if you're going to act like that, then I've got to kind of have to treat you.

[221] like that, right?

[222] So look, you may continue to roll your eyes and talk back to me, but it's not going to work with me and all it's going to happen is it's going to affect your life because you're going to lose the very freedom that you want.

[223] And that makes me sad for you.

[224] Now, if you want me to if you want to learn how to disagree with me respectfully, oh, I'm all over that.

[225] I'll teach you how to do that.

[226] And I encourage you to listen to Straight Talk for Kids program.

[227] Casey teaches kids how to do that.

[228] And then also the Defiance and Disrespect Program, because we teach kids how to disagree with their parents respectfully.

[229] And it's a very, very cool thing.

[230] Some great stories on that there.

[231] So try these approaches.

[232] Don't react, respond.

[233] Give your kids wisdom.

[234] Be the grown up.

[235] Don't take it personally.

[236] Start doing this and watch your relationships change.

[237] Go to celebrate calm .com.

[238] Get the Christmas sale.

[239] It's a phenomenal deal.

[240] It's so good.

[241] And you're not going to pay, so much more for all kinds of other things in therapy that doesn't work, and for the price of a therapy appointment, we're going to give you like, I don't know what it is, 25 hours worth of very detailed things.

[242] By the way, sign up for our newsletter at celebrate calm .com because I send out newsletters and sometimes I put these actual scripts in the newsletter, and that way you get to read the script and see it kind of in front of your eyes because I don't do transcripts for the podcast because I don't write all of this out.

[243] I just make little notes, and then I roll with it.

[244] And so through the newsletter, I often put my written notes, and I think you'll find that helpful.

[245] And you get that with a lot of CD programs.

[246] You get workbooks there, so you can actually work through and there are questions and answers and there are scripts that you can use.

[247] If you need help with anything ever to book us, if you want certain CD sets or certain programs, email Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at CelebrateCall .com, or call.

[248] 888, 506, 1871, you'll get to interact with a strong will child, and he'll encourage you letting you know that he was every bit as difficult as your kids.

[249] Only he turned out really awesome, and we have a great relationship.

[250] And that's what I want for you.

[251] Hey, thank you very much.

[252] If you need some help, so let us know.

[253] Talk to you soon.

[254] Bye -bye.