#370 - Ari Shaffir

[0] Boom.

[1] We did it.

[2] Here we are.

[3] At the motherfucking airport.

[4] That's like another recording.

[5] So you just start off another episode?

[6] So you got talking.

[7] Should I stop now?

[8] Yeah, you stop.

[9] Just 35 second clip.

[10] Because people hear Brian there too.

[11] So R &I are in Anchorage.

[12] We're at the airport.

[13] Dude, this is one of the most funnest trips I've had for a while.

[14] Oh, that's funnest.

[15] Most funnest.

[16] Yeah, it was badass.

[17] We had a good fucking time.

[18] We went fishing two straight days.

[19] I saw eagles.

[20] Yeah.

[21] I saw eagles.

[22] Yeah.

[23] The solstice was like a few days ago.

[24] So it was pretty much the longest day of the year within 10 minutes.

[25] Yeah.

[26] It was pretty weird.

[27] Coming out of the club last night, it was like 2 o 'clock in the morning.

[28] And it was, you know, I mean, it wasn't crystal clear.

[29] It wasn't like noon.

[30] It was cloudy.

[31] But it was, you could see everything.

[32] You could see.

[33] It was not dark out.

[34] If you didn't have your lights on, a cop.

[35] would probably let you go on it.

[36] Yeah, you could have no lights out here in July and probably get by.

[37] Yeah, we couldn't tell a difference of turning them on and off.

[38] I can't see.

[39] Yeah.

[40] It's pretty cool.

[41] Yeah, you get in a little bit, just a little bit of darkness, like dusky, but it never gets fully dark.

[42] And then, roop, the sun comes right back up again.

[43] Yeah.

[44] How badass are the people out here?

[45] Yeah, man. This is an amazing town.

[46] It's really unusual.

[47] If you've never been to Alaska, you owe it to yourself just to try to experience it up.

[48] summertime we were just saying last night we want to do this once a year yeah at some point in the summer when it's so fucking green and beautiful yeah this is going to be our our yearly trip you see that the new yorker um what's going to ernie and bert um one of them resting their head on the other one's shoulders and they're going to get married what ernie and bert remember ernie and bert remember ernie and bert so they're admitting that they're gay that's what they're talking about so they're admitting that they're getting that's what they're talking about see i don't know if that's healthy why should you have any sex at all involved with muppets right i want to be Do they have other people that are married on that show?

[49] I don't know.

[50] I don't know either.

[51] What's that called when you take an animal and make it a human anthropomorphizing?

[52] Maybe.

[53] That's like an English time I should know.

[54] It's like they do that in fables and stuff, a snake, you know?

[55] The wolf, little red riding hood, the better to see you with, my dear.

[56] What big eyes you have?

[57] Yeah, I'm giving human traits.

[58] I think that's stupid.

[59] It's off now.

[60] Yeah, should they marry, they're saying?

[61] I like the idea if all, if a lot of, of them are married and it's like yeah have one gay couple too yeah one out of ten sure but just to have ernie and bert married just to ease your concerns there's roommates for a long time you ever hear people that are like no it's my roommate todd and you're like what yeah we just we do everything together we're just such friends and you want to be like just tell your mom and they sound gay yeah just tell your mom my friend's brother is one of those shows up the same guy every family function just friends nah just friends and they all sort of know but no one wants to say anything Yeah, being in the closet, it's got to suck hard.

[62] It's got to suck.

[63] Yeah, I try to be as, like, openly accepting of gay people as possible.

[64] I think it'll be openly heterosexual.

[65] Yeah, I try to be that, too.

[66] I try to be as openly heterosexual.

[67] I went out of my way to have kids just so I proved everything in that game.

[68] I'm proud.

[69] I like, pussy, see?

[70] See?

[71] I made them.

[72] Traditional way.

[73] Traditional.

[74] It's not natural.

[75] It's a weird aberration in, you know, in human genetics.

[76] and animal genetics, too.

[77] Are there in an animal world?

[78] Yeah, definitely.

[79] Yeah, definitely.

[80] So at that point you have to be like, well, it is natural.

[81] It's just not the most common.

[82] Yeah, like, I was reading a story recently.

[83] I think it was flamingos.

[84] There was two gay, large birds.

[85] I think it was flamingos.

[86] And it was at a zoo, and they were having a real problem with these gay birds had sort of pared up.

[87] What were they doing, flotting around?

[88] Jacking everybody's food and pushing everybody away.

[89] They decided to set it up.

[90] so that these gay birds were in the general population, and the gay birds were sort of running shit, and forcing the breeding birds away from them.

[91] Wow, they jacked it.

[92] Bobby Kelly told me outside the cellar.

[93] There was these, like, you know, the supergays, a walk with, like, a strut.

[94] Men?

[95] Yeah, men.

[96] Okay, and you can tell, yeah.

[97] Yes, some people you can tell.

[98] It's just like, it's more than obvious.

[99] It's like, wow.

[100] And I looked, because they catch my eye, because it's not the normal way I see people.

[101] And Bobby's like, don't look, those are the gangs here.

[102] I was like, really?

[103] He goes, yeah, they'll fuck you up.

[104] If you want to say something, anti -gay, they will fuck you up.

[105] Really?

[106] Yeah.

[107] You have to worry about that?

[108] Well, just don't be homophobic, I guess, publicly.

[109] Right.

[110] Don't mock them.

[111] Yeah.

[112] Yeah.

[113] Because I guess the black or supersedes the gay.

[114] Hmm.

[115] Oh, so they're gangster gay?

[116] Yeah.

[117] Hmm.

[118] Who is that guy?

[119] Gangsta fag.

[120] Gantzafag.

[121] The rapper?

[122] Yeah.

[123] Turn out he says he wasn't really gay.

[124] He probably just called.

[125] How Jesus makes you lie about it later?

[126] Could be.

[127] Or it just wasn't good.

[128] It could have been a gimmick.

[129] I mean, he says it was all a gimmick and that he came out with the gangster fag character just to get controversy.

[130] Just to get cock.

[131] I mean, I'm sorry.

[132] I mean, controversy.

[133] But it was so detailed and specific.

[134] I mean, I don't know.

[135] Either he's an amazing artist or he got to the first three levels just by proxy.

[136] It was real weird because when he contacted me. me then like one of us his former business manager or partner contacted me and you know was saying that it was it was a lot of weirdness to like like oh the guy's bullshit artist and he's trying to scam money and he never tried to get money idea though did he well what's he gonna do yeah give me money i don't know how he's going to get money i'm a rapper give me money good luck with that yeah there's a lot of lesbos in alaska are they really based on my old watchings of northern exposure when I was 16.

[137] Well, that's a thorough and detailed analysis.

[138] Yeah, I'd say 100 % fact then.

[139] It was interesting how we were talking to Dan Rinella, Steve Ronella's brother, who went fishing with us.

[140] And he was telling us that there's a lot more women up here than people think.

[141] Like, it's actually more women in Anchorage than there are men.

[142] Yeah, I get trouble to believe that because it was so ingrained into me that was like three to one men.

[143] I always heard it was 10.

[144] 10 to 1?

[145] I was there's 10 men and one woman just getting trains right.

[146] run on her all the time.

[147] She could just call up any dude and they all just accept that she fucks other guys because there's no guys, there's no girls up here.

[148] But apparently it's not like that anymore, especially Anchorage, which is basically a college town.

[149] It was really progressive.

[150] Like we saw a lot of people, we saw those people that were Christians for equality, you know, for gay equality.

[151] Yeah, they're boycotting.

[152] Yeah.

[153] It's weird.

[154] You never see that.

[155] I don't know what that was all about because we're too lazy to stop our car and get involved as we didn't slow down and made the turn.

[156] We thought about honking in solidarity, but we're like, nobody likes to hear horns.

[157] You just wave.

[158] If you see me, I'll wave.

[159] When did that become with a honk if you support this?

[160] Like, that's the move.

[161] That's the big.

[162] I'm going to take a stand here.

[163] During the first couple of years of the war before everybody realized it was utter horseshit.

[164] You know, the corner near the mall near my house, there's a corner where these knuckleheads gathered and they had American flags and support our troop signs.

[165] and they wanted everybody honk if you support the troops.

[166] And so, like, everybody's just honk, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong, kong.

[167] It was so annoying.

[168] Every time you got anywhere near that place, you'd hear horns.

[169] So there was a restaurant that was right across the street from that place.

[170] It was like, what the fuck?

[171] Like, you assholes, just horns all day.

[172] Weren't we somewhere where they, were they, at the bottom, it was like a men's, not Monsanto building, but it was something like corporation building, and they were boycotting at the bottom, but we're like, there's also a hotel here, and we'd like to sleep till noon.

[173] We're not the problem.

[174] Where was that?

[175] It was somewhere, right?

[176] Portland or something?

[177] Seattle?

[178] Yeah, it was, they were boycotting.

[179] It was like a hotel workers union.

[180] One of those.

[181] I don't remember what it was.

[182] Why was that?

[183] I don't remember.

[184] But yeah, that was annoying.

[185] Protests are annoying.

[186] But annoying if you're not involved.

[187] But, you know, I guess they need something done.

[188] And there's no other way to do it, but make a big stink.

[189] It's the best way to do it nonviolently.

[190] Yeah.

[191] My favorite joke that my friend Pete Carbone is out of comedy now, that my favorite joke about protest, it goes, do you think George, this is how old it is, do you think George Bush cares about people protesting the war?

[192] I think he views those protests the way we view the WNBA.

[193] Like, sure, it's annoying, but let them feel like they're making a difference.

[194] Is the WMBA still around?

[195] Still around.

[196] No one cares.

[197] They've been shoving it down on throats for 20.

[198] 20 years.

[199] No one gives a fuck.

[200] One girl douged recently.

[201] They're full of 300 lesbians and beaten down men that have to do shit with their wives.

[202] Free ticket holders that are on drugs.

[203] Oh, that's funny.

[204] It's just a failure model.

[205] How do they actually...

[206] Merch.

[207] Merch?

[208] That's how they turn a profit.

[209] Merch.

[210] But like when you go to an arena, I'm like, how can you get 300 people in an arena?

[211] I don't know.

[212] It's like people are into a little...

[213] Brittany Griner.

[214] The dunks they have are the ridiculously lame dunks.

[215] They're like, it's a dunk.

[216] You barely got your hand above there.

[217] They do the old James Worthy Statue of Liberty.

[218] They had to name it something because it was so boring.

[219] It means you just go straight up and dunk it.

[220] So they're like really tall women.

[221] Yeah, can do it only on a breakaway when no one else is there.

[222] And whoever the point guard is it feeds on the ball, goes, you go all alone.

[223] You're all alone.

[224] So they can take like the four steps.

[225] They look the other way.

[226] It's so stupid.

[227] And they're like, see, like see nothing.

[228] It's a big highlight when they do it.

[229] Yeah.

[230] Oh, my God.

[231] It's funny how that never took off.

[232] Is that what it is?

[233] It's just people don't like watching women do athletics.

[234] They always sell it on like, it's fundamentally good.

[235] No, they like tennis.

[236] Tennis, yeah.

[237] Top level.

[238] That's the only one.

[239] But basketball is so clearly the exact same sport, although tennis is too.

[240] Do you remember when Renee Richards?

[241] I don't remember either, but the story is fascinating.

[242] Rene Richards, who was never a successful male tennis player, got a sex change, and started whipping up on women.

[243] Really?

[244] Yeah, it's a big deal.

[245] Playing against women, he was kicking ass.

[246] Whereas playing against men, he was getting his ass kicked.

[247] Do they let him keep playing?

[248] Or what was the story?

[249] I don't know how it ended, but I know he did for quite a while.

[250] It was a big point of controversy.

[251] You know, one of the things about transgender that I found pretty interesting is there's a whole group of hardcore feminists that do not like transgender at all.

[252] Really?

[253] And think that it's just more male suppression because this is not.

[254] not a man or this is not a woman rather this is a man who went through an operation now is deciding to be a woman and fuck you you can't be a woman oh fuck there they won't let them in i yeah i would say so except in athletics yeah i really think i get it because it's bone structure but my my boss in in uh my summer job in college sky rose this trance pre -op transsexual and transgendered black guy from england and that was i mean you look at him you're like oh that's a woman i get it you're a woman you know some of them totally yeah Who liked to fuck?

[255] He liked to fuck somebody?

[256] Do you know who he liked to fuck?

[257] Who?

[258] Straight men.

[259] Did he fuck them or they fuck him?

[260] They fucked him, but he would do, I was like, but wait, how are they?

[261] He goes, because they can tell him a woman and they want to fuck a woman, the same way, I want a fucking man. I was like, well, how do you do it?

[262] This is what he said.

[263] Get legs over the guy facing him, but sunk down onto the cock.

[264] Oh, Jesus.

[265] So that way you can be face to face, you know?

[266] Oh, I just got grossed out.

[267] You really imagined it, didn't you?

[268] Yeah.

[269] I just imagine pre -op, dick and balls are floppy all over the place.

[270] They rest on your belly button.

[271] The thing about transgender's with athletics, it's not just bone structure.

[272] It's also reaction time.

[273] Men have a, across the board, 10 % faster reaction time than females do.

[274] You caught a lot of heat for this, huh?

[275] A little bit, but not with anybody rational, so it was okay.

[276] But it was just about fighting.

[277] I wouldn't have even brought it up.

[278] It was about any other athletic pursuit.

[279] Do you think if they had a transgendered, like, weight class that that would be okay oh yeah well i think what they should do is have transese fight against other transies men to women fight women to men you can't say tranny because it's man but transes transes transes is like havesies let's go havesiz it's not offensive we should call them haveses oh how rude that's just rude i don't support our severe statements i'm a fan of lesbians gay bisexual and havese everybody's everybody's ease just this the guy who i would upset about didn't disclose it.

[280] He just decided he was a woman now after 30 plus years of living as a man and having male testosterone and male hormones and male training.

[281] And they don't disclose it.

[282] That's like the people on testosterone and steroid and they don't disclose it.

[283] I'm like, you can say my doctor prescribed it that didn't tell everybody at a time.

[284] Exactly.

[285] And that's, it's a similar argument, honestly, because the idea that testosterone doesn't give you a massive advantage.

[286] Like some people are being humble like Luke Rockwell, Luke Rockhold was the Strike Force champion He fought Vitor Belford And Vitor is on testosterone replacement therapy And Vitor wheel kicked him in the head And he was like, it wasn't testosterone replacement That landed that kick He was being humble about losing Which is kind of, yeah, kind of admirable But the reality is, it does help you train Look at Alice there Look at all the guys that came back In every sport, baseball too When they come back, it's not just a half step they're off People like, oh, okay, it's a slight advantage It's the world of difference Yeah.

[287] That 5 % at the top level of athletics is all the difference in the difference in getting beat up consistently and beating people up consistently.

[288] It really is.

[289] It's interesting how that can even be argued.

[290] Yeah.

[291] You win a bar fight either way.

[292] Yeah.

[293] But in top level, you know, performance, that's a major difference.

[294] It's a difference between 40 home runs and 19.

[295] Yeah.

[296] And that's, you know, people say, well, how does it, that's a skill?

[297] Like, how does that ever, how does it translate the skill?

[298] What's happening, man?

[299] When's it going to air?

[300] Probably in a couple days.

[301] Yeah, a couple days.

[302] You want to say hi?

[303] You want to say hi?

[304] This is some dude that's at the airport.

[305] Did you go fishing?

[306] Head not to the lodge.

[307] All right, man. We'd love to talk to you, but we're in the middle of doing this.

[308] I don't want to interrupt it.

[309] Take it easy, bud.

[310] I love on location podcast.

[311] Podcast fan at the airport.

[312] This is really at the airport, folks.

[313] We didn't fake this shit.

[314] That'd be great.

[315] We're not like that.

[316] We fake the location.

[317] So the idea that you take testosterone and it doesn't have a massive effect, positive effect on your training, your ability to recover.

[318] of course you do and even if you take the problem is like people say oh well you test him uh once a week and that way you find out what he's taken but that's not true either because if you know that you're going to get tested on friday you could be juiced to the gills monday through wednesday and then taper off on thursday and then friday you're back on that quickly yes that quickly yes especially if you're doing um with uh skin uh you're rubbing it on your skin that's the easiest that stuff dissipates yeah or if you're taking oral oral testosterone is also very quickly uh it passes through the body within 24 hours so weed is two weeks yeah we weed is fat soluble you can tell if someone had uh artificial testosterone in them there's trace traces of it if but the levels of testosterone in your system if you're taking something like uh the cream or oral they they dissipate really quickly so there's a lot of ways to cheat and anybody who says that that doesn't give you a massive advantage is fucking crazy yeah they just banned it in california what testosterone placement therapy for for new ufc fighters oh wow mixed martial arts uh is going through a serious overhaul of their rules when it comes to that because they're trying to figure out what's fair and what's not fair and why so many under 30 year old guys and 30 year old guys are needed to testosterone you know it's one thing if you're 50 because at first I'm sure a couple like one or two doctors did it like okay I guess he needs it but now when suddenly all of them get it then it's like wait yeah let's think about this and the thing about it is that Nevada has a smart policy and that policy is they don't allow anybody to use testosterone if they've tested positive for steroids before because if you test positive for steroids it means you're taking endogenous hormones and when you take them those those the artificial hormones force your body to shut down its natural production of hormones so if you have low testosterone because you took testosterone oh then you'll do it to yourself exactly like you did it to yourself so we're not going to help you does it ever come back your body eventually is like oh now we need it and it'll come back yes it'll come back but it takes time it takes quite a bit of time especially there's drugs that you can take like clomid and there's some other ones that are yeah they're They're anti -estrogen inhibitors, and those estrogen inhibitors, they change the level of testosterone to estrogen in your system, and it boosts your testosterone production.

[319] But those are illegal.

[320] You can't take those in the UFC.

[321] So, like, say if a guy took steroids, his balls crashed, and then he wants to get his testosterone back up, you're not even allowed to take stuff like Clomid or all these other different things.

[322] They're illegal.

[323] Yeah, overhaul is always a good idea.

[324] Yeah.

[325] That's what we're talking about we need for Constitution.

[326] Yes.

[327] Just like, let's redo it a little bit.

[328] Yeah, but the problem is, the people that would redo the Constitution of the same corrupt cunts that are in charge in the first place today.

[329] You know, the same people that are passing all these fucking crazy laws and allowing the NSA and the CIA to spy on people.

[330] They're going to be the ones that revamped the Constitution.

[331] Right, they would drop to the Constitution.

[332] Of course.

[333] It wouldn't be us.

[334] Damn.

[335] I think what we need is the fucking internet to run things.

[336] I know that sounds crazy to people, but...

[337] But look how Yelp works.

[338] It's a community -run situation so that we all...

[339] I mean, definitely people in charge of running the site and stuff.

[340] It's like something along those lines.

[341] Like, look, if we all want something, or if most of us want something, that's why the parliament system works better to me. I've got a joke I'm working on about how people should have Yelp scores.

[342] Like, you know, like you meet someone, they have a certain amount of stars floating over their head based on user interaction.

[343] signing on them yeah like you know with the google glasses that would be a cool thing to use it for oh yeah you look at someone you see they have five stars like oh you must be a sweet guy they're trying to do that for a while for um for dating sites where you could look up a guy to see if he was an asshole and stuff but the problem is only bitter women were writing on the website so everybody got zeros well it's like we were looking at yelp last night for a good place to eat and we found these steakhouses and one of them had everything excellent excellent excellent except one review and this review was just really douchey poor you know everything was and they never it turned out they never went to the restaurant yeah it was just like we didn't have reservations they were busy so they couldn't take us which is bullshit because we was our anniversary so we went next door yeah it was some really detailed needy explanation for why there were a few people ahead of her and she didn't want to wait 15 minutes because it was our big wedding anniversary this is why when you're average stuff you're supposed to take out the top and the bottom few percent because they're like outliers that messed up the curve and and all really basically every fucking survey who the hell is answering survey right that's a good point have you ever answered one no when i got a free t -shirts in college i would answer service what kind of t -shirts you get for free in college you know like the um the college one with what's his name that died oh belushi balushi that was a cool t -shirt yeah that was a good t -shirt i have one of those somewhere yeah a lot of people do they're pretty cool shirts i actually wore that t -shirt during the Menciad video.

[344] Really?

[345] Yeah, that's what I was wearing.

[346] That's a good slacker shirt to wear for that.

[347] Let's talk a little about this fishing trip because it was so fun.

[348] Yeah, it was awesome.

[349] Well, first of all, where did we go?

[350] Do you remember?

[351] Yeah, we went to the Lazy Sioux.

[352] That's the name of the river.

[353] And our friend Matt Peterson from Valley River Charters took us out all week.

[354] And we had a great fucking time.

[355] Yeah, it was catching release.

[356] So we had to decide where to go.

[357] But he goes, dude, no one's going to be at the Lazy Susan.

[358] yeah so um it'll be mobbed the other place let's just catch and release them and we'll have a great time and it was man there was we saw one person the first day and nobody the second day yeah other fishermen everybody else wanted to catch fish and keep them yeah and we were like well if it's like easier to just catch a bunch of fish and release them in which he kind of fucked up he's putting a hook in a fish's mouth and then sending him on his way but yeah you're fine sorry we We had a good time, and so sorry, Fish.

[359] What if child molesters had a rape and release?

[360] Oh, that's rude.

[361] It's better than Louis C .K. had a bit about that.

[362] Yeah, it was great.

[363] Just tell them we're not going to execute them.

[364] I'll be more likely to give them back.

[365] They just feel, I think, a lot of those child molesters are so horrified by it themselves.

[366] What they've done?

[367] Yeah.

[368] You have to kill the evidence.

[369] They're just fucking don't want anybody to know.

[370] It's so sick.

[371] The other thing we were talking about yesterday was how many people were molesting people, like in the Roman days?

[372] Yeah.

[373] The early days of civilization that, like, it was probably super common.

[374] Yeah, I wonder if it was.

[375] It must have been.

[376] Must have been.

[377] Because, like, it became a normal thing.

[378] If society tells you that it's not a problem, that how many people would do it.

[379] Yeah.

[380] A lot more, I'm sure.

[381] This is what we talked about in terms of, like, what society tells what's negative about homosexuality, but boys and girls.

[382] Yeah.

[383] And they look down on boys in America, way more.

[384] homosexual boys, way more than homosexual girls.

[385] So, in college, way more girls experiment and fuck around than guys do.

[386] There's an interesting statutory rape case going on right now between girls.

[387] It was two girls that are girlfriends, and one girl is 18, and the other girl is 15.

[388] And the girl who's 18, just 100 days ago, was actually 17.

[389] So then it became an issue.

[390] Once she turned 18, then their relationship became illegal.

[391] and it's really kind of crazy because if it was the other way around it was a boy and a girl I don't really think very many people would have a problem with it it was a concern when I was 18 I had a girlfriend who was I think she was a year and a half younger than me and so when I was 18 she was 16 and a half almost 17 and so when I turned 18 it was like can we still fuck it was like a real worry because we had been you know we had been banging for over a year so it was like all the sudden we couldn't bang anymore i was like what what happened are we illegal like that's yeah i was really worried about going to jail i was like how is that possible that my girlfriend is now illegal and you were just legal yep just legal wow yeah i think we were so it's hard for me to remember if we were separated by one or two grades i think it was only one grade wow and i yeah that's a grade lower that's allowed yeah well it should be but once you turned 18 it's a problem And it's not right before What if someone's 17 The other person's 10 That should be a problem Oh yeah that's illegal Well what is there like certain Like age limits Is it go down and down If you're three Four year old only Yeah it should be like a separation Of X amount of years Yeah percentage Percentage based Yeah I don't think you can have a 10 year old girlfriend If you're 15 or 16 But at 11 you can Yeah At 11 you can But I mean are you allowed to even Is anyone allowed to fuck at 11?

[392] I don't know I think so but I mean how they're going to stop you if you're alone yeah anyway back to the fish though yeah we got deviated yeah it was so much fun how much you catch the first day I think um the first day I caught seven seven damn caught six I got three four four yeah yeah I got one at the end with the fly and uh they were they were fucking monsters too we caught some big ass fish they too we got a lot we got the big ones yeah they came yeah you got the biggest one of your uh trip and me i got the biggest one mine as well the whole trip describe the feeling you get when you feel that bite they're so fucking strong and they're all angry they're pissed off immediately that's sort of what they bite for they bite because they're mad at you yeah they're not even like feeding oh right they're just out of aggression they said get out of here yeah that's why they feed yeah i got one fish that was uh biting to eat and that was a salmon uh trout oh yeah caught one rainbow trout You knew right away Like this ain't a salmon man But it was only 14 inches long As opposed to the other ones We were catching Were giant Like the biggest one we caught Your biggest one was probably around 40 pounds And mine was probably even a little bigger than that The last one was like 35 and it was like 40 It seemed like it was more than 35 pounds man It's like dead weight It's this weird weight with their struggling It's so heavy Just even getting it in Yeah Whatever they were They were big Big ass fat fish Go to Instagram And you can see R in my pictures.

[393] Oh, yeah.

[394] But it was a good time, man. It was a good time.

[395] And it was almost just as cool just being on the river and seeing the eagles and the wildlife, the moose.

[396] We saw moose on two separate occasions.

[397] We saw three.

[398] Mom and a calf.

[399] We saw one driving and then we saw a mom and a calf and then we saw another mom on that island.

[400] I'm sure people from Alaska are used to it, but man, it's cool seeing that shit.

[401] Seeing the eagle, the one that looks like a stamp.

[402] Yeah.

[403] It looks like the post office logo.

[404] I'm like, that's wow, the white head.

[405] Yeah.

[406] It's crazy.

[407] crazy and they're talking about like some places where there's like a ridiculous amount of eagles like super super plentiful did you talk to those guys last night they were talking about the ravens up here oh yeah huge ravens yeah size of a dumpster yeah they said they were like eagle -sized ravens they're enormous wow and they're smart and they're evil and they punch holes through tin cans they can peck a hole through a can of soup really yeah wow yeah their beaks are so hard Yeah, their beaks are so hard they can open a soup can with their beaks.

[408] Man. They're big -ass birds.

[409] Dude, it's cool being on the river.

[410] Once the sun came out, too.

[411] Yeah.

[412] It was just so nice.

[413] That's what we sat there and smoked and drank a little bit.

[414] Remember the immature eagle, too?

[415] That was another thing that Dan told us that was fascinating.

[416] That immature eagle is actually larger than a mature eagle.

[417] Really?

[418] Yeah, when they're younger.

[419] They calm down when they get bigger?

[420] I don't know.

[421] Something happens when they go through the stage.

[422] is it molting with birds?

[423] Is that what it is?

[424] Molding?

[425] Where they go from being a baby bird to being a full -grown bird.

[426] They change color, and then they actually become smaller.

[427] But they were beautiful.

[428] Wow.

[429] Amazing -looking birds just watching them fly and knowing that they're just looking to snatch a salmon and yank it out of the water.

[430] That's all they want is looking down.

[431] I wish we saw that.

[432] Yeah.

[433] I saw them go and I was like, dive, dive.

[434] They won't do it.

[435] Well, we got there after the water was like, a little flooded and so when that happens just like there's dirt in the water it's hard to see and then after a while that dirt will settle and then it'll be clear uh our guide was telling us about going there later in the year where you can see every fish in the water just see where they are and just throw your right at them yeah and just scoot it in front of them and then they they crush it it's so great it's such a great feeling when one bites because it for a while it tugs on a rock and like oh i think no no but then when you do get one yeah and you see them flopping the water you feel the drag pulling back and forth and one of the thing was really cool when we switched to light tackle like little tiny rods instead of throwing spinners and then you catch a fish on that and then it's a super battle.

[436] It's really wrestling yeah it's like catching a fly ball bare handed.

[437] Yeah it's just so cool to be tapping into that those wild things too these are wild fish and the idea that they regulate them and they know when they're running and when like when we first scheduled this trip we were going to be able to catch the fish and keep them but then along the way they switched it to catch and release because uh the populations were down but then the day before we went the weir a weir is like a dam that they open up like the fish go through a portal and they count the fish yeah they count how many fish go upstream to me and there was 352 made it the day before us so we we just hit a perfect run.

[438] It was, it was like the best time of the year for fishing.

[439] They get big and pink and mean.

[440] They've already fucked.

[441] Mean, mean, cunts.

[442] Have they already fucked?

[443] I think they're going up to fuck.

[444] They're still going.

[445] Yeah, they're on their way.

[446] And where do they fucking?

[447] A lake?

[448] They don't really fuck.

[449] They just jizz on eggs.

[450] That's how they do it.

[451] The girl, the girl legs, the eggs, the girl legs, and the dirt and the male comes along and shoots loads all over them.

[452] Wow.

[453] Yeah.

[454] That's how they, oh, man. Yeah, Yeah, when I was living in Boston, we used to go to this place called Jamaica Pond and catch rainbow trout.

[455] And when you'd catch them sometimes, he'd pick the males up and they would spooge all over you, because they were trying to come.

[456] Yeah, they were trying to come on these eggs.

[457] Instead, they just come all over you.

[458] That's like a single white female.

[459] Remember single white female?

[460] Yeah.

[461] And so then the girl was blow, the evil girl was blowing the boyfriend.

[462] She just showed up one day, and she cut her hair like the, like the girlfriend.

[463] Oh, right.

[464] And then he was looking down getting a blow job because she just showed up in his apartment.

[465] And they'd look down and he's like, Margaret?

[466] But he couldn't stop.

[467] And he just couldn't stop.

[468] And then she, when she got the cum in her mouth, I'm going to kill you.

[469] Yeah, the cum fortified her.

[470] Made her stronger.

[471] She became super evil after that.

[472] Yeah.

[473] That was the movie that like just sort of like freak people out about potential crazy roommates.

[474] Sort of like fatal attraction freak people out about her girlfriends.

[475] Potential, you know, married guys having affairs with crazy bitches.

[476] Rabbit, the rabbit, boiling rabbit.

[477] Oh, she boiled her, his pet rabbit.

[478] Yeah, the girl's, his kid's pet rabbit.

[479] Yeah, that is, that's like the thing that guys think about.

[480] Like, oh, she's going to be a rabbit boiler.

[481] You know, like, people will say she'll like that.

[482] Rabbit boiler.

[483] A part of the culture.

[484] Isn't it fun how certain movies just stick as a reference for a long time?

[485] Yeah.

[486] That's why, you know how powerful that guy Corky was?

[487] from life goes on yeah that's 25 years older more and people still that's the reference for a retarded person you're right yeah you're not supposed to say retarded it's supposed to be down syndrome are you get it together oh it's like you're not supposed to say tranny yeah i only say retarded if i'm looking at if i'm referencing a retarded person a down syndrome person's sweet that's sweet of you yeah i don't think it's even even then i don't think you're ever supposed to say a person's retarded really yeah Well, it's like, what is that being?

[488] Mentally jay.

[489] When are you supposed to do this?

[490] When are you supposed to do that?

[491] But it's not acceptable amongst progressives.

[492] We can say that.

[493] Progressive retards.

[494] I think that we're in a new day age.

[495] I can't believe you're doing the retards sound.

[496] I don't know how else to do it.

[497] That is just rude.

[498] I cannot believe that we're in a new day and age.

[499] Yeah.

[500] A fellow dance syndrome is like myself.

[501] Imagine if there was a disease that made you.

[502] talking like an english person oh yeah you knew someone was fucked up because they started talking english that would be pretty cool disease to get fake proper hello how are you and you're like oh he's crazy look at him he's over there talking like an english person no no i just caught it i just caught english yeah what are good examples of movies that just like completely changed or became the reference the reference yeah like gordon gecko from wall street always be closing everyone talks about that and just greed is good oh yeah that's wall street right that was the guy when you think about a greedy cock sucker Bernie Madoff type dude gets it forever yeah yeah I wonder what else was like that they have certain things every time somebody gets in front of a boat people go like I can't I'm flying or whatever oh the front of the boat like Liority Capia yeah and then we're gonna need a bigger boat yeah there's a shark I'm getting too old for this shit yeah there's a million of those they stick forever way past good they are well that's the problem with people's like how easy it is to get us to think that like the the movies and the way we see people behave and act is real life that's how people are in real life so we sort of use those terms and those uh those iconic characters and insert them into real life you know sometimes there's no bearing on real life at all uh -uh karate kid yeah the karate kid that's right did you do the wheel the wheel kick when you were a little Did you act it out?

[503] Well, it's a crane.

[504] Crane kicks.

[505] That's the crane.

[506] Excuse me, Karate Kid fan number one.

[507] A wheel kick is a real technique.

[508] Well, the crane kick works, too.

[509] That's what Liotto Machita knocked Randy Koutur out with.

[510] With a crane kick?

[511] Yeah.

[512] I got to watch that.

[513] He didn't spread his arms wide, but he did do a jumping front kick and hit him in the face.

[514] I love that in karate.

[515] He pulled it out, and the guy, his opponent was like, what are you doing?

[516] Yeah.

[517] All right, I'm going to come in for the kill here, but you're freaking me out a little bit with the hands out.

[518] The Liotto Machita one was magnificent.

[519] And the best part about it was that Stephen Segal took credit for telling Liotto to execute that technique.

[520] So funny.

[521] My favorite non -traditional technique was Alan Belcher once, had a guy.

[522] He was trying to take him down.

[523] But you know how you go, like, hands around a guy for a double leg and you'll go put your head at one side of the other and try to be clear of a guillotine?

[524] This guy had it straight in.

[525] So once, the guy had his head between Belcher's legs and the whole crowd started screaming for the DDT.

[526] Oh, so the DDT is like a wrestling move, right?

[527] Yeah, I think so.

[528] I think it's how it might be pile driver, but you have your head here and just pick your waist up and then just sit down on your head.

[529] Yeah, that's actually illegal.

[530] Yeah.

[531] It's called spiking someone on their head.

[532] Like it happens accidentally sometimes and people are trying to attempt takedowns, but you're not supposed to purposely spike someone on their head.

[533] On the head.

[534] Well, he did a version of it.

[535] He heard, I think as he let go, he heard the cheers.

[536] Right.

[537] And then he got it again, like 20 seconds later.

[538] He's like, oh, yeah.

[539] He just slammed him straight down, like face first.

[540] Oh, yeah.

[541] You can do it face first.

[542] It was so great.

[543] It's super dangerous for the guy getting slammed.

[544] Oh, yeah.

[545] So is fighting.

[546] Yes.

[547] So it's walking in.

[548] But there's been a couple paralysises, paralysis that have resulted from guys going for guillotines and like getting caught in a guillotine and someone falls back and they land on their head.

[549] Like a guy, like say you're shooting in on a guy, a guy grabs a guillotine and falls back.

[550] And then your head lands first with all his weight and your weight, and the neck just snaps.

[551] It's happened a couple of times now.

[552] Wow.

[553] Yeah, a couple, like, big -name camps have had guys.

[554] It's more than one occurrence.

[555] And guys have become paralysis.

[556] Yeah, paralysis.

[557] Yeah, yeah, anything neck is scary as shit, man. You know, your neck is pretty fucking vulnerable.

[558] If somebody, you know, picks you up and your weight and his weight all slam down on your neck, there's not really much give there.

[559] It's going to go.

[560] It's just going to go.

[561] It's going to snap.

[562] Fuck, I used to worry when I started jiu -jitsu.

[563] Every time somebody got a hold of my neck, I would start whiting out.

[564] It's scary.

[565] It's scary for people.

[566] Seattle and San Francisco, you're not going there, are you?

[567] You got like five more minutes.

[568] Where's your flight?

[569] Right there.

[570] Is that it?

[571] Seattle, San Francisco?

[572] That's boring.

[573] This is what's called an abbreviated.

[574] podcast ladies and gentlemen yeah it's only like 40 minutes but it was this or nothing yeah so i was like let's give the people something yeah we need to give the people the people like well thanks fuckheads thanks for giving us something just addicted me and now i got nothing have you ever thought about doing one of those bill burr type podcasts where you only talk yourself about stuff i um i i i mean i look at him as like an example you know of what's possible and what you can do and he i started doing like more like ransom introductions i'll like let myself go off a little bit on that.

[575] Yeah.

[576] But I have a limit to myself where it's like I have this interview coming.

[577] Mm -hmm.

[578] Right, right, right, right.

[579] Podcast Ari Shavir, Skeptic Tank.

[580] Sceptic Tank, available on iTunes.

[581] Please subscribe.

[582] Do you have skeptic tank ?com or is it Ari Shafeer .com?

[583] Ari the great .com.

[584] Both of them.

[585] Yeah, and they just point and they show the whatever.

[586] I did a few of them in the beginning.

[587] I did a few complete solo ones.

[588] So, yeah, would I like look at like Twitter and I was on Ustream too.

[589] It's the fears.

[590] You have nothing to bounce yourself off.

[591] Yeah.

[592] But yeah, if you get some Ustream questions they did that form spring i was thinking of doing that like a mailbag episode bill simmons does this in his column yeah just answer mailbag when it's like that's cool you can get some questions you always get and since i'm the interviewer right i don't really answer them mostly so it's like yes i can go into that for you break greg proops does all of his show solo but he does him with an audience in front of a crowd which is a lot of easier yes but it's also really badass yeah you know Greg proops is an interesting dude i don't think that guy gets nearly enough props he's in all things comedy with me In that co -op.

[593] What is that?

[594] It's me and Byr and Madrigal's podcast co -op.

[595] Is that the final?

[596] Is that you?

[597] All right.

[598] Folks, this fucking show is over.

[599] Thanks to Stamps .com.

[600] Thank you to Squarespace and thank you to On It.

[601] And if you don't know what the codes were, we'll fucking rewind it.

[602] Jesus Christ, we're at the airport.

[603] Always got to catch a flight.

[604] And I'll be August, I'll be a Nashville, August 21st, 22nd.

[605] All right, you fucks.

[606] Let's call that one.

[607] Oh, and Crackers Broad Rebel, the first weekend of August.

[608] What is it?

[609] Crackers Broad Ripple, Indianapolis.

[610] Broad Ripple?

[611] That's what it's called.

[612] Broad Ripple, Indianapolis.

[613] Yeah, it's a name of the thing.

[614] Folks, is the shortest podcast we've ever done.

[615] We hope for you.

[616] It's been the sweetest.

[617] Ari will be back in town.

[618] When will you be back on the 11th?

[619] July 11th?

[620] Just for one night.

[621] Yeah.

[622] To do the show?

[623] Yeah, with the mid -August.

[624] Oh, I think we're going to do another Comedy Central storyteller show for the website.

[625] Oh, beautiful.

[626] In like mid -August and I'm there.

[627] What are you going to do, what are the subjects going to be?

[628] I think we're going to do fighting.

[629] Ooh.

[630] I have a good, we call it fisticuffs.

[631] I have a good fighting story, and maybe the road, I don't know.

[632] I was thinking, okay, I want to do one.

[633] I'll see if I come up with a good story.

[634] Okay.

[635] I'll come up with something.

[636] I know one story you have that's great.

[637] Okay.

[638] Well, tell me after this is over.

[639] All right, you fucks.

[640] Listen, thank you everybody who came to the show in Anchorage.

[641] We didn't even get to that.

[642] The show in Anchorage at the Bear Tooth was fucking glorious.

[643] That's the perfect word for it.

[644] Alaska is awesome.

[645] I love it up here.

[646] I would seriously think about living here in the summers.

[647] You can go fuck yourself about that all year -round bullshit.

[648] Yeah, well, yeah.

[649] But once you get a free, we get a free hunting trip out of it.

[650] You guys get a cool comedy show, and we like to do comedy.

[651] So it's just like a fun week for us.

[652] We're talking about coming back up here in September and shooting a moose.

[653] Boom!

[654] Last one on the face.

[655] All right.

[656] We love you guys, and we'll talk soon.

[657] Bye.

[658] Big kiss.

[659] Muh.

[660] Big kiss.

[661] Mug.

[662] Big kiss.

[663] Big kiss.

[664] Mug.

[665] Big kiss.

[666] Mug.