Toddlers to Teens: Tantrums, Defiance & Meltdowns

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[24] Hey, everyone.

[25] This is Kirk Martin, founder Celebrate Calm.

[26] And you can find us at Celebrate Calm.

[27] Calm .com.

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[29] Celebrate Calm.

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[31] Today I wanted to address toddlers and teens.

[32] And by the way, if you have an elementary school or a middle school age child, don't tune out because it's all relevant.

[33] But the reason I'm doing this is because I hear from a lot of parents who are like, they'll see us speaking in a high school and think, oh, you only do stuff for older kids.

[34] Your stuff won't help with a toddler because toddlers can't understand complex language.

[35] And then they'll see us speaking at a preschool training preschool teachers and say, oh, your stuff's for little kids, it won't apply to older kids.

[36] But the truth is, everything that we teach applies to both, right?

[37] The tone of voice, the body posture, the confidence that you convey will make a difference whether your child is four or 14.

[38] Now, we do have different specialized products, right?

[39] We have a CD program for kids ages two to seven because obviously there are certain issues like potty training that you're dealing with with toddlers that you're hopefully not dealing with with teenagers and with teenagers we have a program for motivating unmotivated kids right so that's a little bit skews a little bit older and then we have other products like the defines and disrespect or discipline that works strong will child ADHD university that apply for kids of all ages right but the truth is this even though toddlers can't understand complex language, they're actually super sensitive to your tone and your body posture.

[40] They can tell in the morning what kind of moods you are in before you even know because they pick up on subtle changes in your tone of voice.

[41] They can tell in your body posture.

[42] They can tell when you're getting short with them.

[43] your shoes on look get that get that out of your mouth stop it right now put that down don't right they can pick up on that and it will create resistance from a four year old just like talking too much to a teenager or talking standing with your hands on your hips faced off against your teenage daughter or like i used to do shaking my head silently so my son saw that i was disapproving of his behavior, which he took as very demeaning and set him off, or we use that same kind of tone with our teenagers, where we often get actually snotty tones with them at times.

[44] And the truth is sometimes it's better not to talk too much, whether it's a toddler or a teenager.

[45] Look, it's more about your attitude.

[46] It's more about your confidence, and your kids can pick up on that.

[47] So look, I'm going to go through a couple examples here that I think you'll find interesting.

[48] Let's say kids throwing a tantrum because they're not getting what they want.

[49] Now, it looks different because the toddler may throw himself on the floor and wail all over the place and your teenager may just be a relentless arguer because you're not letting him go where he wants to go, but they're still throwing a tantrum.

[50] They're still whining.

[51] And so the strategy and the response to that is still basically the same.

[52] When the toddler starts throwing his tantrum, I'm going to sit down and cross my legs, and I'm looking at him, and I may talk to him, even though he doesn't really understand, but here's what I'm communicating.

[53] You know what?

[54] You can throw your tantrum, it's just not going to work with me. Like, that's never going to work.

[55] Your behavior does not determine or change my behavior.

[56] Your mood does not determine or change my mood.

[57] Right?

[58] Like, have your tantrum if you want.

[59] I just want to let you know it's never going to work.

[60] Right.

[61] And I send that message not through my words so much, but just through my attitude and my tone.

[62] And it's the same way when my son, when Casey was a teenager and he'd come to me or rather come at me with that tone.

[63] And you know what that tone is.

[64] If you respond in kind, you know what young man?

[65] You're not going to talk to me like that.

[66] They're just going to say, um, just did.

[67] Because that's what my son said to me once.

[68] So, but look, my response to my son then is the same thing, but it's a little bit more complex language, but I'm still not going to react.

[69] And I say, hey, Case, listen, I'm curious because every time I hear that tone in your voice, it tells me you're anxious, you're frustrated, or you're hungry.

[70] Listen, do me a favor.

[71] Grab some chips.

[72] I'm going to grab some salsa.

[73] I'll meet you out on the deck, and I'll help you with whatever you're struggling with.

[74] But see, my tone of voice is the same, whether he's 4 or 14.

[75] My attitude is still the same.

[76] What you're saying to me, you're whining, you're badgering me, you're arguing with me, it's just never going to work.

[77] I'm not going to get in the courtroom with you.

[78] I'm not going to argue with you.

[79] I'm not going to try to explain myself.

[80] I'm not going to try to convince you that I'm right.

[81] Look, we do the same thing with a four -year -old.

[82] We try to convince them that those fruit snacks aren't good for them.

[83] And we do the same thing with teenagers, with different situations, as if the four -year -old or the 14 -year -old is going and say, oh, mom, listen, now that you've explained it fully and lectured me for the last 13 minutes and gave me 10 different reasons why you're right, all of a sudden the light bulb went off and I'll listen to you.

[84] Like, they're not looking for that.

[85] And so can you see, even with a tantrum, no matter what the age, I'm still going to handle it in basically the same way, right?

[86] Here's a good one, music, right?

[87] I use music a lot with kids.

[88] With toddlers, I use music because it gets them moving, right?

[89] It's often easier to say, hey, but you can't get dressed while you're listening to this music before your favorite Bob the builder's song is over, right?

[90] Listen, I'm going to put on music before this song is over.

[91] I bet we can't get all of your toys picked up and put in the basket.

[92] With a teenager, I'm using music in a couple ways, one during homework time, because many of your kids have very, very busy brains, and the rhythm of the music actually creates order in the brain, stimulates the brain, and actually helps him concentrate.

[93] So I often use music.

[94] Again, I'm getting things accomplished.

[95] With a toddler, it's picking up his toys and getting dressed.

[96] With a teenager, it's getting his homework done.

[97] And by the way, there's a lot of good research that shows parents who bond with their teenagers and kids over music.

[98] It's just a fantastic way.

[99] Case and I did this very much, and I didn't always like his music at first.

[100] But I was curious about it.

[101] I understood what he loved about it and liked about it.

[102] And we go to concerts together, and it's very much a bonding thing to do.

[103] Let's say emotional situations, right?

[104] Like meltdowns.

[105] A four -year -old is going to roll on the floor.

[106] The 14 -year -old is going to roll his or her eyes.

[107] And again, your response is still the same.

[108] It's controlling your body posture and tone.

[109] Because whether it's a toddler rolling around on the floor or your teenager melting down, and getting a little bit sassy, instead of just like, you need to calm down now.

[110] Because we say the same thing.

[111] It's just we don't send a teenager to time out.

[112] We send them to their bedroom or we take away their stuff.

[113] The toddler, we sit and time out.

[114] Look, the same thing is I'm going to lead them to a calm place, right?

[115] So with toddlers, my leading is going to be more overt and more physical.

[116] I'm going to lead them to a calm place when they're getting.

[117] upset and do another activity and draw them in with teenagers I'll use words a little bit more but I'm still not talking a lot because when teenagers and look you're look a lot of this even applies to your kids in elementary school so you don't dismiss that they they still you can't talk to them too much because it just tends to get them more upset right so they're still looking for stability and I'm still sending the same message right So when my toddler is rolling around on the floor, and I go when I pick up a crayon or something to draw with, and I start to draw, and I say, hey, Rebecca, listen, when you're ready, I could really use some help coloring this door or the explorer.

[118] I'm drawing her in, and I'm leading her to calm by coloring.

[119] But I guarantee you, if you've got a teenager, especially a teenage girl, but teenage boys as well, in the middle of one of those heated arguments, I mean, picture this with a mom and her daughter.

[120] In a middle of a heated argument, imagine mom, instead of continuing to engage and proving her point, wanting to get the last word in because you don't want your teenage daughter to get the last word in, instead of you rolling your eyes at each other, I guarantee if mom were to sit down and just start drawing and coloring and just said, hey, honey, listen, I'm not in the mood to argue.

[121] This isn't going to go anywhere good.

[122] But if you want to color with me, I'll be glad to talk to you like this as adults.

[123] You're still using coloring, but you're doing it in slightly different.

[124] way but it's still basically the same process in the message you're sending is your world is out of control right now four year old or teenager my world isn't out of control i have wisdom to help you and i can lead you to a calm place right now do another one i'm curious some of you know that's one of my favorite phrases is hey i'm curious because i hear that tone in your voice and what that tells me is something probably happened at school i want to figure out what that is see with a teenager i can talk a little bit more.

[125] And I can say, listen, I'm going to go leash up the dog and go for a walk.

[126] If you want to come walk with me, I'd love to hear what's going on.

[127] Now, with a toddler, asking your toddler, say, like, hey, I'm curious why you're throwing this huge meltdown on the way to preschool.

[128] He's not going to have the words.

[129] But the I'm curious tone gets your mindset into this of thinking like, okay, so going to preschool, he or she is getting really, really upset.

[130] Or my child's biting in preschool, what's going on?

[131] And the uncurious tone leads me to problem solving instead of just trying to take things away or punish them.

[132] And with a toddler, in this situation, I guarantee what it'll lead to is that they have anxiety.

[133] They're just anxious about going to school.

[134] And so the tools for anxiety, whether it's a teenager or a toddler, are basically the same.

[135] I always get another adult to give the child a job to do because that toddler has going to preschool, when the preschool teacher meets your daughter and says, oh, Rebecca, I'm so excited.

[136] Listen, I need your help.

[137] Could you come over here and the teacher leads her and hands her something to do?

[138] Could you carry this stack of books to the other side of the room?

[139] That would really help me out.

[140] Does your daughter understand all the words?

[141] No, but she knows that that teacher wants her help and wants her to carry the books.

[142] And with a 14 -year -old or 16 or 17 -year -old who's anxious about going to school.

[143] It's going to be the same thing, not carrying books, but it can be a teacher, science teacher saying, oh, man, listen, Jacob, I need your help because you're really good with electronics.

[144] You're really good at figuring out stuff.

[145] I've got this project I'm working on.

[146] Listen, if you could come to school every day a few minutes early and come to my classroom, I could use some help with the AV equipment.

[147] I could help setting up the computers.

[148] I could help with this project.

[149] See, it still leads you to the same place, right?

[150] Does that make sense?

[151] So I want to give you, no matter how old your kids are, whether they're two, five, seven, nine, eleven, twelve, fifteen, seventeen, twenty, I want you to start doing these things over the summer.

[152] And I'll give you what we're calling kind of like our summer double dare.

[153] And it's to ask your kids two questions.

[154] And again, your toddlers aren't going to know that answers these questions, but if you're curious, you can figure it out yourself.

[155] So the two questions are these.

[156] I want your kids to listen to these CDs over the summer while you have time.

[157] it's things are slowed down over the summer put them download i don't care download them to their your kids iPhones so they can listen on their own put on your iPhone and by the way if you get our downloads one we give you a $50 discount um on the special we have to get the downloads because then we don't have to ship them out plus you save on shipping costs but it's so you can give them to your parents because maybe you have parents who are really old school and they're like yeah you just need to discipline that child you're like seriously i never thought about actually being firm and following through.

[158] But the truth is you've done that a million times.

[159] It just doesn't work with these kids, right?

[160] So it's a way of educating your parents to let them know, hey, we're just going to deal with these kids in a slightly different way.

[161] And you can share them with people.

[162] But as you do, I want you to ask your kids these two questions.

[163] One, what do you want us to change as parents?

[164] What could we begin doing differently?

[165] I dare you to ask that question and then listen to your kids because they will give you great feedback and you may not want to hear it and they may not always say it in a respectful tone but hear them and then change and then here's another question especially for your strong will child asking this what have we been misunderstanding about you what don't we understand about you what are we missing right like that because i'm afraid that we misunderstand understand your motives sometimes.

[166] Do we?

[167] I dare you to ask that question.

[168] And you're going to open up a line of communication that is just phenomenal.

[169] So if you need help with anything, email us.

[170] You can email my son because he'll answer you much quicker than I will, although I'm pretty good, but he handles most of this.

[171] His name's Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, Casey at Celebrate Calm, C -A -L -L -M -D -com.

[172] He was our strong -willed toddler, our strong -willed elementary school child, our strong -willed middle schooler and our strong -willed teen who is a fantastic 25 -year -old and he gets your kids because he was one of them and he will help you out.

[173] You can call us at 888 506 1871.

[174] The summer special is on our website.

[175] I think it's just labeled there summer special.

[176] And if you need to help financially with payments or anything else, just call or email my son.

[177] He's fantastic to work with and he will help you out.

[178] But I know for some of you, you actually have, for some reason, both a toddler and a teenager.

[179] No, it's an awesome thing.

[180] But you have both of those in your home.

[181] And so it's really cool because you can get to see through these examples and other ones.

[182] Look, so much of it is just controlling myself and my tone of voice and my body posture.

[183] And when I do that, I lead people to calm.

[184] And look, I'll say this just to close.

[185] I do this every day in my normal life when I'm dealing with irate 50 -year -olds or people out in public or someone else who's 40 and 50 and 70, I still change their behavior, not by changing them, but by changing my own.

[186] It's a really cool thing.

[187] So anyway, thank you all for listening.

[188] If you need anything, just let us know and enjoy your summertime.

[189] Bye -bye.