Moment 18 - Ben Fogle on How He Lost & Found His Confidence

[0] Did you know that the DariVosio now has its own channel exclusively on Samsung TV Plus?

[1] And I'm excited to say that we've partnered with Samsung TV to bring this to life, and the channel is available in the UK, the Netherlands, Germany and Austria.

[2] Samsung TV Plus is a free streaming service available to all owners of Samsung Smart TVs and Galaxy mobiles and tablets.

[3] And along with the Dyeravisio channel, you'll find hundreds of more channels with entertainment for everyone all for free on Samsung TV plus.

[4] So if you own a Samsung TV, tune in now and watch the Dyer of a Cio channel.

[5] right now.

[6] Ben, as I read through your story, your books, your interviews, and I remember watching a YouTube documentary of you sailing across the Atlantic many years ago, obviously the most sort of striking, distinctive, standout thing about the way that you've chosen to live your life over the last couple of decades is your seemingly insatiable appetite for adventure, risk, challenge, extreme adventure as it relates to Everest and things like that.

[7] Where did that come from?

[8] I think it's, do you know, it's not necessarily an absolute thirst for adventure.

[9] I think it's about kind of finding the real me. See, if I go right back, as a child, I was so shy.

[10] I had no confidence.

[11] I failed all my exams.

[12] as I was hopeless at sport.

[13] And actually, I think all of the things that I've done since have been about, like, rebuilding.

[14] It sounds a weird way to describe it.

[15] But it's not just, I'm not an adrenaline junkie.

[16] There's this assumption that maybe, you know, that that would be how to describe myself.

[17] But it's not that at all.

[18] Actually, those of the things I do are really, really slow.

[19] You know, like rowing across the Atlantic took best part of two months.

[20] walking across Antarctica took many, many months.

[21] Climbing Everest took many months.

[22] So actually, if it was jumping off a mountain base jumping or going on a motorbike or even a mountain bike down a steep slope, I hate all that.

[23] It's too fast.

[24] I quite like this slow movement, but I'm quite good at long endurance events.

[25] And all of those have been about rebuilding my confidence.

[26] And what took your confidence or why didn't you have confidence?

[27] I think it's the fact that I was I was hopeless academically for many different reasons undiagnosed dyslexia a kind of a slight mistake maybe not on my parents part but they my father's Canadian he wanted me to be bilingual so I was sent to a French school and I just I just didn't I couldn't do the French school the French system and with all apologies to any French watching or listening to this it's just quite a hard system, the French one.

[28] And and and it was quite, it was quite, um, strict.

[29] And I'm just, as a child, I just, I was surrounded by dogs.

[30] Dad was a vet.

[31] Mom was an actress.

[32] It was all quite a liberal.

[33] My actual childhood at home was quite liberal, full of actors, um, lots of drink, lots of animals around.

[34] It was, I suppose, crazy, but normal for me. But then in this French system, it was very rigid.

[35] And, and, and it meant that I didn't learn any French.

[36] and my English went backwards.

[37] So when I went back into the system, I was way behind.

[38] And the result was the combination of that in dyslexia just meant I was hopeless I could barely write.

[39] And I failed all my exams.

[40] And I was surrounded by people who were better than me at everything.

[41] Everyone seemed to be more handsome if it was the boys.

[42] They had more luck with the girls.

[43] They were better at playing sports because they could actually kick football unlike me that I have two left legs.

[44] and they were good at academics.

[45] And when it came to the exams, they just, they didn't even, you know, they could be up all night watching stuff and then the next day turn up for the exam, whereas I was just, I was almost making myself vomit.

[46] I was so nervous about the exams because I knew I was going to fail.

[47] And this is the first thing.

[48] I convinced myself I'd fail and, of course, I ended up failing because what I've discovered since is that so much of what we do and what we endure and how we entest ourselves is here in the mind.

[49] And if you go in with a negative attitude, which I had, then it's self -fulfilling.

[50] And the result was hopeless as everything, and it just stripped me of my confidence.

[51] I had, you know, I just, I didn't believe in myself.

[52] And that went right through, you know, probably into my 30s, if I'm to be really honest.

[53] I think that was always lingering over me, this little voice just telling me that I was, that I wasn't good enough.

[54] what I did.

[55] And did that voice come from your own assessment of yourself?

[56] Or was, was their external forces bullying or your parents?

[57] No, my parents were amazing.

[58] You know, my parents have, I don't think they could have done more for me than they did.

[59] I think it was, no, I think it was all internal, if I'm to be honest.

[60] I think there's a pressure, I think there was an external pressure to conform.

[61] Because if you think about how, if you take the schooling model and the education model, it is kind of about conforming because exams are all about getting the correct grades.

[62] We're learning to a specific model that has been set by the government.

[63] And it's sort of painting by numbers when you think about education.

[64] And if you don't hit those targets, then you've effectively failed the system.

[65] And for me, you can hear my accent, you know, I'm posh.

[66] I went to a private school.

[67] Mom and dad worked really hard to send me to a private school.

[68] And actually, there was a great guilt that the fact that they had worked so hard to be able to afford to send me there, and yet I still failed.

[69] So I think actually a lot of that voice was internal.

[70] And actually, I wish if I could go back in time, I wish I could kind of shake a young me on the shoulders and go just don't don't overthink things just chill out a little bit and we were you a chronic overthinker I was and I still am I still overthink things if I'm to be honest I I I to work in the medium that I work in is a little bit strange because I don't really belong in this medium when I say this medium you know it front of house where as a presenter because I've got a really thin skin and I overthink everything.

[71] So when I read something negative, whether that's on social media, whether that's a newspaper review, whether that's a journalist that has written something which I don't like or which doesn't seem true, I take it really personally, which is kind of really strange because I should have, I should have been able to overcome that after 20 years.

[72] And I'm almost there, Stephen.

[73] I'm almost there.

[74] But one of the reasons I'm happy to talk about it is because I know I'm not alone.

[75] I know there are many, many people out there who hire achievers who've done brilliant things in life, but are still burdened with their own voice of doubt.

[76] And through all of these challenges I've done, I've been able to really build that confidence.

[77] And I'm, I'd say, I'm a few hundred metres from the summit now of peak confidence.

[78] And I can't wait until I'm there.

[79] I hope I do, I hope I reach that point.

[80] What is it about those challenges and this sort of slow, monotonous nature of those challenges, or just the challenges themselves or challenge as a, you know, as a construct itself that helped you to build confidence because I'm one of the most frequent questions I'm asked in the comment section of this podcast or on Instagram or anywhere else is how do I build my confidence?

[81] And I think we live in a culture, especially on Instagram where it seems like everyone else is super confident and chasing their dreams and we never get to hear the whispers of their self -doubt.

[82] So it might feel like we're the only ones.

[83] So I guess my question is how did those challenges build your confidence?

[84] It happened by accident, so that's the first thing to say.

[85] I didn't chase it thinking this is going to help.

[86] It was like a slow series of blocks that were built.

[87] So it started when I failed my A -levels, and I went off traveling.

[88] I went to Costa Rica, a place that I know you love, and I went to university out there.

[89] And I think it was spending time in a different country, in a different culture, country with a different culture, different language, different religion, away from home, away from mum and dad.

[90] And first of all, I had to kind of think on my own.

[91] I couldn't defer to other people.

[92] Up until that point, I'd always kind of, dad, what do you think?

[93] Mum, should I do that, you know, I didn't trust my own judgment.

[94] So first of all, that was gone.

[95] So I had to stand or fall on my own decisions.

[96] And then secondly, just the immersion in this exciting new place was just, I mean, And it just, it, it was the most exciting year I've ever had, if I'm to be really honest.

[97] There's going to be so many Ben, 18 year old Ben, Ben's listening to this right now who have listened to this and thought, you know what, I'm really low confidence and I've been knocked and, you know, I'm not sure if I'm good enough and I've been called a failure by my job, dad, whatever it is.

[98] What do you say to those people, having walked, you know, live their life, what you say to them?

[99] What's the advice you give them?

[100] don't don't buy into someone else's narrative that's what you're doing by listening to the failure whether it's absolute words coming out of someone's mouth saying well you're no good whether it's whether it's even perceived narrative that you go into a pub and everyone looks like they're having more fun than you and and the girl or the boy doesn't want to be with you they want to be with the other person I think I think you just have to own your narrative you are you in this world of what are we six point seven billion i probably got that wrong but in this world of many many billions of people there is no there is no other stephen yeah that is fact yeah there might be someone similar there might be someone with the same abilities the same body type maybe even looks a bit like you but you are complete unique because your personality um belongs to you and don't try and change that don't try and be the person that other people want you to be, be the person you are.

[101] And it's a really hard thing to buy into, because I spent so much of my life trying to be the person I thought society wanted me to be, always embarrassed that I wasn't, I was either too posh or I wasn't posh enough.

[102] I was either too successful or not successful enough.

[103] You see what I mean?

[104] It's almost like you're always just trying to fit in, but actually, once you own your narrative, once you're confident that you are unique in whatever way, it might be a it might be a geeky kind of unique it might be a cool kind of unique it might be a quirky kind of unique but that's if if you can own your personality your narrative and accept that you're halfway there to this self -belief and this confidence and and that also means not trying to buy into someone else's narrative you might think you want to be the if you're the geeky one You might think you want to be the cool kid.

[105] You might think that you want to be playing in the first football team.

[106] You might think that you want to be sitting at that top table.

[107] But that's not necessarily where your personality wants you to be.

[108] And I think stop wanting and start being.

[109] Did you know that the Dario of a CEO now has its own channel exclusively on Samsung TV Plus?

[110] And I'm excited to say that we've partnered with Samsung TV to bring this to life and the channel is available in the UK, the Netherlands, Germany and Austria.

[111] Samsung TV Plus is a free streaming service available to all owners of Samsung Smart TVs and Galaxy mobiles and tablets.

[112] And along with the Dyer of a CO channel, you'll find hundreds of more channels with entertainment for everyone all for free on Samsung TV Plus.

[113] So if you own a Samsung TV, tune in now and watch the Dyer of a CEO channel right now.