#59 - Ralphie May

[0] How come, I go on and on and on And go to the crib, I'll mess the bone And easy, call him on the phone I stay dressed to impress For the best folks Left the club tips, say no more Except how I'm getting on tomorrow She's a drop you on with the street How good was Biggie Man The best, the best ever With him It was in the hospital with Tupac And then it went dead With the Biggie's dead And then it became hip hop And then everybody was going out for dollars And they made it a lot They made a lot of shitty music Except for M &M and JZ And maybe Nause Ralphie Mae dropping rap knowledge I'm sorry Ralphie May's in the house Ladies and gentlemen This is our guest He's very disgruntled at the world of rap music And I know it's your concern as well This show and all shows are sponsored by the fleshlight.

[1] Ralphie, have you ever felt the fleshlight, sir?

[2] No. No one has fucked this, but a lot of people have fingered it.

[3] It's patinate rubber, too.

[4] This flashlight is not a virgin, but it's like a slutty junior high school girl.

[5] It's been fingered a lot.

[6] Isn't it amazing?

[7] Feels great, right?

[8] Pretty creepy.

[9] Dude, it's way better than just regular jerking off.

[10] And the best thing is if you have somebody else hold it and fuck you, it's even more detached from your own.

[11] body so it feels like you are actually having sex have you done that joe have you had somebody else hold the fleshlight for you and fuck you no when someone else is there i'm gonna fuck them how dare you unless it's a boy why is he holding it well it's like the hand job it's the newest hand job i mean if a girl's going to give you a hand job nowadays hey give me a hand job with a fleshlight instead it's way better than a regular hand job is it yeah oh dude try it have how but if it's a girl's a girl's hand is always going to feel better it's a human person touching you ralphi says no but but i mean it's true can you come Baskets.

[12] I'll fuck everything.

[13] Baskets?

[14] No, man. What's wrong with...

[15] Can you come up for girls giving you a hand job?

[16] Is that what you're saying?

[17] Yeah, I can't.

[18] I know.

[19] You're a demon, dude.

[20] You're a demon.

[21] I can't.

[22] Ralphie, you need some more stimulation.

[23] I need pussy.

[24] Okay.

[25] You know, I've never even come from a blowjob.

[26] What?

[27] I know.

[28] I am the same way, Ralphie.

[29] Same way.

[30] I do not like below joe.

[31] Maybe it's the way girls are blowing you, you too.

[32] Maybe girls are blowing you, you like this.

[33] No. No. That sounds great.

[34] I would love the option.

[35] I'm married.

[36] I'm sealed, man. I like all my shit.

[37] I just stay straight and narrow.

[38] That's not what I'm saying.

[39] What I'm saying is even her.

[40] Even the own Mrs. May. Oh, yeah, man. Yeah, my wife, a horrible blowjob.

[41] Let's be honest.

[42] She's a Jew broad.

[43] It comes with a territory.

[44] You know?

[45] They nag, but they're good with money.

[46] They get great kids.

[47] A lot of Jewish girls, that was the reputation.

[48] that they'd like to get blow jobs.

[49] Not this one.

[50] Back in Boston.

[51] Yeah, that's what I always thought.

[52] Have you ever heard that?

[53] Yeah, I've never heard of that one.

[54] Ever, oh my God.

[55] Really?

[56] That's some shit she's been keeping it from me. Yeah, I've heard that.

[57] On the first day of Hanukkah, finally, something good for the juice.

[58] I'm lighting a candle just for that one tonight.

[59] We got a menorah that we've had for seriously nine years, 10 years.

[60] I found it in the garage.

[61] I went and got a candle.

[62] All right.

[63] And the kids are just going to sing a happy birthday because that's all I know.

[64] I don't know any of a honica songs.

[65] I don't know anything about it.

[66] My wife's not a good job.

[67] you all right but i'm lighting a candle just for that one just letting my daughter know she's got a good rep i always heard that jewish women are just the craziest in bed that they do anything they're just this crazy sex machine she is and she did fuck me so that makes you fucking crazy yeah it's black chicks damn it i need to try it once you never try to black girl no i'm i'm i might get deneroed son you might get bingoed you might get dene so you're not even into white chicks any You might start talking like Ralphie Mae.

[68] There's a, I was at BW3s.

[69] You might start gangston out.

[70] Come on, baby.

[71] No, there's this black chick at BW3s last night.

[72] That's your next move, dude.

[73] It was so beautiful.

[74] Dude, don't keep on going at tan bed.

[75] You tell them what happened.

[76] You don't even have to tell them that, man. You're just a white dude who likes black chicks.

[77] Yeah.

[78] Just be you, son.

[79] Embrace.

[80] Embrace your inner love of black chicks.

[81] That's the next move for you, sir.

[82] That's what I see.

[83] That's some hard.

[84] hard ass black chick that fucks this shit out of you and tells all your ex -girlfriends a step fucks like little camp well anger so if you have any issues with ex -girlfriends they get the scant of that black bitch that girl is a big long nails the girl at the bw3s in berbank the bartender you are cute whoa and what are you a fucking five -year -old go tell her in person bitch this is faggotry i don't even use that word anymore i like me check one yes no I want to take you to the Olive Garden Oh, God, I'm talking out you're to Olive Garden, Jesus Christ.

[85] It's so hilarious.

[86] Brian, how dare you?

[87] How dare you?

[88] How dare you come off like a 12 -year -old on the show?

[89] I think you have beautiful face.

[90] I like you, do you like me?

[91] Check one, yes, no. Please, A -I -M -me.

[92] You smelled really good.

[93] Just give out your A -I -M.

[94] I know you got one.

[95] You fucking weirdo.

[96] Here's my Facebook.

[97] Ralphie Mae rocks it so old school.

[98] He doesn't even have a Twitter.

[99] How do you like that?

[100] Apples.

[101] Yeah, what's up with that?

[102] It's almost non -existent.

[103] I mean, I do it once in a while.

[104] You text?

[105] Do you text a lot?

[106] Yeah, and I'm sick of it.

[107] Ralph, well, it's just texting.

[108] You got to get on the Twitter.

[109] There's people out there, Ralphie, that want to talk to you, man. They're happy you're on this show today.

[110] And they go to my shows and they say, what's up.

[111] Oh, yeah, there's a lot of people.

[112] Actually, they, um, today I got a lot of phone messages, people saying, because there's like a lot of comics watch your podcast.

[113] Yeah?

[114] Cool.

[115] They're like, Ralph, you go, well.

[116] I got to move this out of my face.

[117] This is freaking me. I'm sorry.

[118] I'm going to move on back a little bit.

[119] It's like you're shooting a gun.

[120] It's right in my mug.

[121] It's fucking weird.

[122] I'm like trying to move around it while I'm looking at you.

[123] The podcast stand, folks.

[124] Microphone stand rather.

[125] It was in his mouth.

[126] Yeah.

[127] So, well, yeah, you got to use the Twitter, man. It's very important.

[128] There's a lot of people that want to talk to you.

[129] And not only is it good for promotion.

[130] It's great for writing comedy.

[131] It gives you like, like, joke beginning of jokes.

[132] Yeah, you start talking shit about things.

[133] It's fun.

[134] Yeah, but I'm nervous.

[135] I'm nervous that I would, I would, would become too exposed what are you talking about and um like you know uh i would become too exposed as as like you know a go -to guy for free you know what i mean it's like you know am i gonna i write hours and hours of material you know right now i have three and i have maybe four hours in rotation that i do separately awesome and it's all different stuff and it's all the same basic thing and so I find myself just writing the same thing over and over again in a different form and a different subject.

[136] You know what I mean?

[137] The same formula.

[138] And I'm nervous that I would get polluted by other comedians and, you know, I just don't want to open myself up.

[139] Polluted by other comedians.

[140] You don't have to follow anybody.

[141] You don't have to follow anybody.

[142] Some people, like, I don't think Louis C .K. for the longest time didn't follow anybody.

[143] Brie Olson, zero followers.

[144] Really?

[145] She doesn't follow anyone.

[146] Never replied, has never replied to anybody.

[147] Zero followers.

[148] You try to make her reply.

[149] She will not do it.

[150] She almost seems like she's like an app.

[151] Like, type in, you know, it just automatically put something sexy mixed with something.

[152] You might be absolutely right about that because I've read some of those that she writes because they, like, been featured on websites and shit, and they're crazy.

[153] Yeah.

[154] They're all like, you know, I'm going to go down to this high school and try to get five dudes to shoot loads in me. Right, right.

[155] I'm at the airport right now.

[156] I have dried calm in my face.

[157] Yeah.

[158] But if you watch your videos, you're like, well, she's obviously for real.

[159] I don't know.

[160] I'm not familiar with her.

[161] you y 'all are talking Brie Olson she's funny very popular young porno star with a wonderful personality I'm sure excellent sense of humor I'm sure she gets it she's brodie Steven she gets sick take meat she can take meat it's weird man we've talked about this on the podcast before was she one of the girls in like the biggest slut contest for how it's starting I don't know maybe yeah I think you're probably I think so yeah man and she was talking about she'd fuck a retard and fuck everybody dude those I love it.

[162] Fucking Tars, that's awesome.

[163] Those girls that do those gangbangs, man, that's a different species.

[164] That's a weird thing, man. That's another human, bro.

[165] That's another kind of human.

[166] Speaking of another human, I saw Jay London picking up trash on Laurel Canyon.

[167] Wow.

[168] Creep me out.

[169] What was he doing?

[170] He was picking up trash.

[171] For somebody?

[172] Was he working?

[173] Man, he had an orange jacket on.

[174] I mean, the orange vest on, like safety vests.

[175] Maybe he did something and he got arrested.

[176] I don't know.

[177] I don't know.

[178] what usually that is.

[179] I think so.

[180] Isn't that guys who get arrested sometimes?

[181] I think so, man. I think so.

[182] And it was crazy.

[183] Yeah, because that guy...

[184] Yeah, last comic standing.

[185] Was he on the season with you?

[186] No. No, no. Like the next one.

[187] He was on the next one?

[188] Yeah.

[189] You know, Jay and I were on the first TV show I ever did in 19, I think it was 92.

[190] It was a spotlight cafe, this weird show in New York.

[191] And Jay was on it with me. And I always thought, like, wow, this guy is so quirky and interesting.

[192] Yeah.

[193] He's going to be a famous comedian.

[194] And then he got on Last Comic Stand.

[195] I'm like wow here it goes maybe people are and you know people start recognizing him at the comedy store yeah and then nothing happened I don't know and then it all stopped it just went away you have done the best of anybody of capitalizing on that last comic standing crowd and running with it totally you ran with that shit dude there's a lot of guys who like John Heffron ran with it pretty well too yeah but I think you ran with it even better you're just more prolific well it very it highlighted you more than anyone that you were the only person on that show that when I watched you when it was originally on, I saw you blow up audiences.

[196] I mean, you just destroyed on that show.

[197] You weren't like a regular last comic standing person.

[198] You were tearing up rooms.

[199] Jay Moore came to me and told me and showed me the minutes from an NBC meeting.

[200] Okay?

[201] Like, he probably shouldn't have.

[202] And he told me that they were nervous about having someone my size on NBC a lot, especially in prime time.

[203] Worried about, like, you dying or something?

[204] No, just the image it would put out there.

[205] They were embarrassed by my size.

[206] Wow.

[207] And...

[208] What does that feel like?

[209] It's crushing.

[210] But I use it as motivation.

[211] And he goes, the only way they're not going to get you off of this is if you get a standing ovation every show.

[212] That's the only way they can't deny it.

[213] It's because we can't retake that tape.

[214] And he goes, we won't be able to...

[215] If you, every joke kills, we won't be able to show you bombing.

[216] What?

[217] He goes, if every joke of yours kills, then we won't be able to show that you bombed to tell you that you lost.

[218] It should show the audience that you lost.

[219] So you have to get a standing ovation, every show, and every joke be your hardest that you've ever delivered it.

[220] That's the only way these people aren't going to get you out of here.

[221] Whoa.

[222] So they were plotting to get you out from the beginning because of the way your body is.

[223] Yeah.

[224] Wow.

[225] But now one of their biggest shows on TV on NBC is the biggest loser.

[226] Yeah.

[227] Well, for those folks who don't, they listen on iTunes and you don't, you're not familiar with Ralphie.

[228] Ralphie's, how big are you, Ralphie?

[229] Right now, I'm 418, 418 pounds.

[230] That's down from over 700.

[231] Wow.

[232] Jesus.

[233] I know, I've lost the whole fucking fat guy and I'm still fat.

[234] You're not that much of an accomplishment.

[235] A hundred at one point?

[236] Yeah, man. Rogan, you remember the back of the comedy store?

[237] Dude, you wanted to take me to the strip joint just to see any girl getting near my dick?

[238] Right?

[239] And you wanted to throw me in your accurate and there was no fucking getting in?

[240] Yeah, that NSX was not having it.

[241] It was sick.

[242] It was a sick car.

[243] But there was no way.

[244] I was getting in there.

[245] And I'm like, I love you, Joe Rogan.

[246] I love your heart.

[247] I love your heart.

[248] You have to be careful.

[249] But what cars you get in, huh?

[250] Not anymore.

[251] Not anymore.

[252] Not anymore.

[253] They're all pretty much, you know what I mean?

[254] I got into a ridiculous $600 ,000 Mercedes -Benz.

[255] $600 ,000 for Mercedes?

[256] Yeah.

[257] What kind of car is that?

[258] It's a convertible and it's like 700 horsepower.

[259] And it's, uh...

[260] Oh, I know what you're talking about.

[261] It's like the AMG.

[262] Some shit.

[263] It was in Beverly Hills and Mercedes Bands.

[264] My friend, ex -comedian is the sales manager there.

[265] I don't think it's that much.

[266] Ron Roberts.

[267] I think it's $3 .50.

[268] No, it's $6 .49.

[269] That's 200 -inch plasma TVs in the trunk.

[270] Maybe I'm wrong.

[271] Maybe I'm thinking of another model.

[272] Yeah, it's just bad at, but totally the most uncomfortable car I've ever been in.

[273] Really?

[274] Yeah, but my Beamer, I've got a 650 -I convertible, and it's fine.

[275] I don't have no problem.

[276] Ralphie says no problem.

[277] I'm all about comfort.

[278] Ever since I got my new car, it's like the biggest mom car ever, you know, it's a Ford Edge, but, you know, it's so comfortable.

[279] That's a good car, dude.

[280] It's fucking comfortable, and it's so techy.

[281] Yeah.

[282] You know, there's everything.

[283] It's fucking comfortable as shit, man. love it i'm telling you what american cars are fucking making a comeback seat warmers are i got a cord mustang man and your lower back you don't feel it fatigue you have a little hemorrhoid i drive i got a um shelby shelby gt 500 oh really convertible yeah you always get good toys though man you always get good this one's the dumbest one ever though all you have to do is anytime you want stomp on the gas and the car go sideways sideways right just start spinning wheels how many horsepower is 550 and that car it's a tiny car it's a lightweight yeah it's lightweight it's got a live rear axle so it handles like shit but it's fun you just stomp on the gas and just leaves rubber dude it's just it's a pure american experience a car like that like yeah it's not sophisticated it's not the best way to get around not the best handling but god damn that shit is fun it's fun yeah you stop on the gas it's 550 horsepower and it's supercharged and so it's you hear the supercharged and so it's you hear the supercharged and you hear the v8 and the wine in here that's getting it done dude it's like a different thing it's not just driving it's not just getting in your fucking your Yukon and you know going to the supermarket there's something extra fun about it very of course there is man it's like James Bond like some dangerous shit could have it any time it's just it's just fun even if you're not speeding it's fun you know just the lurch of it just the rumble dude you feel the power in those cars you should hear my turn single when I go around this The edge is awesome It's like But those are good cars Fuck it man Yeah You're all right Brian You're making yourself over You're turning an Armenian on me You've got You're moving to Glendale You got the beard You're Oh yeah Is that the next move Glendale Do you think?

[284] Well my beard says yes But I want to go to the beach I've just I can't take it anywhere I need to go to the beach Something that's calling me About the beach Really?

[285] Yeah I just Maybe it's a tsunami The vibe The vibe in the beach Really?

[286] You like that?

[287] It's peaceful, man. Everyone knows everyone.

[288] I totally agree.

[289] Yeah, I think there's something.

[290] It's homeless and it's steaky.

[291] Well, yeah, it's Santa Monica, but you get down to, like, play Adela -Rae.

[292] You go down to Hermosa.

[293] It's just wider than a...

[294] White people and traffic getting there.

[295] White people?

[296] It's just white people.

[297] No homeless homeless person that's there has a...

[298] White people.

[299] I'm always saying that.

[300] Fuck white people.

[301] Yeah, right?

[302] Tired of their bullshit.

[303] I am tired of the bullshit.

[304] Man, this shit with fucking Arizona.

[305] It's bullshit.

[306] I mean, they're giving white people a bad name.

[307] Yeah.

[308] The whole, yeah.

[309] You know, the real problem is we need to kill these fucking crazy assholes in Mexico.

[310] They're just gunning people down for cocaine.

[311] Dude, $28 ,000 since 2005.

[312] They've got a bad problem down there.

[313] And it's totally unaddressed.

[314] All of Iraq, U .S. loss is $5 ,000.

[315] Let's put it in perspective how many people that really is.

[316] Yeah, it's pretty crazy.

[317] And that's the ones they know about.

[318] That's not the heads in the desert.

[319] There's lots of that shit There's a lot of that shit going on Mexico's dangerous I like it It's the border towns especially I mean it's really crazy right now And most Americans are blissfully unaware Of how nuts it is down there They have no idea man If you go to Laredo Texas Man Fuck that You are out the door It used to be nice You used to go across the border You go down like I have a weekend In San Antonio And then Sunday night go down there Laredo get a great deal in like a great hotel the holiday in there it was safe it was nice you go to nouveau laredo across the bridge bring back glass and plates and stuff like that man it was awesome of it Ron White lived there yeah okay awesome it was just a great river valley okay town smell like cigars everywhere it would smell like great cugs no you get Cuban cigars what else how about candy anything that Ron White smells like yeah cigars it does me like He told me one time to bring A weed And I'm like You're the only guy ever To ask anyone to bring weed To Mexico What are you talking about?

[320] Go talk to somebody Bring weed to Mexico That sounds like a terrible idea Bringing weed too or back from Mexico Sounds like a terrible idea Man taking weed into Guam's a bad idea Yeah let me hear that story son This is a Ralphie Mae classic That's making the rounds And I don't know all the details So I want to hear the whole deal Because you got arrested somewhere Yeah, I got stopped in Guam for weed.

[321] I didn't know I had it on me, all right?

[322] And I took out of my bag, three and a half ounces of weed, a full ounce of keef, and about 20 grams of hash.

[323] God damn, dude.

[324] That's what I took out of my bag.

[325] He took it out before he went to the airport.

[326] He took all that out.

[327] He wants to party.

[328] Yeah, I like to get down.

[329] I like variety, you know.

[330] I mean, you look at me. I've got no fucking.

[331] Control, okay, of anything, Joe Rogan.

[332] Look at me. I'm a fucking mess.

[333] Okay, yeah, that.

[334] You got control over your loads.

[335] Yeah.

[336] Sounds like you got really good control.

[337] All right, then I got it.

[338] The one thing I've got for me. But I'm a mess.

[339] I mean, I've got no sense.

[340] Plus, I get tons of heavy handshakes.

[341] I mean, and these guys aren't throwing an ounce at me. They're throwing an eighth to a quarter, you know.

[342] Right.

[343] When I tell them how I was stone and saw the, The miracle on the Hudson happened just afterwards, okay?

[344] We were down there at Chelsea Pierce, and people were running.

[345] I saw a fucking cop on a horse.

[346] I am stoned out of my fucking mind.

[347] My act, I said, I'm stone like a biblical whore.

[348] And I'm fucking wasted.

[349] And I'm like walking, seriously, I'm fucked up.

[350] Like, if it wasn't, like, 29 degrees in sunny, I would have passed the fuck out.

[351] I was that high.

[352] I had a big thing of hash, and I put that in the middle.

[353] I made a Joey Diaz Cuban sandwich, okay, where the OGs on the, or Sativa on the top, and then a big fucking chunk of hash about over a gram and an OG finish.

[354] Okay?

[355] Yeah, that's, I was one of the most fucked up I've ever been.

[356] And I'm walking, and so much I'm seeing people run from the end of the pier to the edge.

[357] overhead helicopters.

[358] I see a cop on a fucking horse.

[359] And I'm like, and he was within 20 feet of me. And I'm like, where the fuck are you going, Sundance?

[360] I mean, we're on a pier, okay?

[361] You're on a fucking pier.

[362] There's people all around.

[363] You know, my kid has been my wife's arms, you know.

[364] What the fuck?

[365] Wow.

[366] Okay.

[367] And we went down there to go see that I'm a kind of a aviation buck.

[368] Oh, yeah.

[369] And the AR, was it, the Blackbird spy plane, the AR -71, I think it was.

[370] um it's the fastest plane we ever built you know that we told anyone about and it's fucking cool as shit because on its last voyage it flew from new york to l a or l a to new york in like 38 minutes something insane speed ala to new york and 38 minutes that's time traveling that's that's how is that real fucking look at it up ar 17 air 17 blackbird car sr 17 sr 17 sr 71 just making some numbers up no no no sr 71 it's a blackbird by plane.

[371] Check that fucker out.

[372] And it was the last declassified flight of it.

[373] It was the only one that they showed the speed.

[374] And we retired this motherfucker.

[375] Why would you ever retire this thing?

[376] Can you put it up there, Brian?

[377] I don't know how to do all this shit.

[378] You're amazing.

[379] I got an iPad.

[380] I'll play Words of Friends.

[381] Dude, this thing goes 2 ,000 miles an hour.

[382] So then it couldn't have gone It couldn't have been 37 minutes.

[383] This is what they did in one hour and 54 minutes they went from New York to London That's a six hour flight The six hour flight they did it an hour and 54 They went from the last one The flu, the one that's at the The battleship there Was it the Intrepid?

[384] Okay Down on Chelsea Pierce All right, that's what I wanted to go see I wanted to be high and be close to that fucking jet Right I mean that's almost time traveling I mean do you understand?

[385] I mean that's fucking mind blowing I was in two hours you can leave London, you can have tea in London and lunch and dinner in New York City and not miss a fucking beat, bro.

[386] That's amazing.

[387] That's pretty intense.

[388] That's transport or shit.

[389] Yeah.

[390] Okay, that's amazing.

[391] You know, what's really crazy is they used to have that Concord that you could fly to Europe.

[392] Yeah, man. Fucking A. That was cool of shit, too.

[393] And it used to go super high.

[394] It was like way higher than a regular plane.

[395] So literally like you were on the border of fucking space.

[396] Yeah.

[397] Border of space going to the speed of sound.

[398] Right.

[399] fucking A man Stop and think about a plane That goes as fast as fucking sound And you're sitting in that bitch Just fucking But yeah you don't feel the G force Because they just They don't make any sudden moves And they just slowly amp it up It's fucking insane It just goes straight up and straight down It's the speed of sound man The speed of sound in a fucking plane But it kept killing too many rich folks Boy have it Yeah right The people of the altitude They fucked up And I think the last one I think it was a really dumb fucker too it's like someone hit a tire that was left on the track like the the concord hit it and and fucking caused a gigantic explosion and everybody died yeah and you know when those people are dying they're dying these are people that are paying like 10 ,000 dollars a ticket titanic diner more than that more than that for first class yeah yeah right but it's so 10 ,000 dollars feels like regular right yeah for like economy economy is 10 ,000 dollars and it's just to save a few hours of your time that's really what it is it's and it because of the novelty effect of it i remember uh i was watching some talk show as a kid and there was an actor who said the coolest thing he'd ever done was take that concord yeah and then stand on his seat so he was the highest person in the world whoa that's hilarious and he's right it was like he stood out his seat and he was well the highest alive person no there was no astronauts in orbit at that time right there was nothing going on plane still freaked me out just the idea that you're in this metal tube it's 30 000 feet in the air and you're just sitting there and you're just chilling and looking at your iPad and you're like Adams are holding us up you're invisible atoms disconnected from the ground that's where I want to be on the ground where it's safe 30 ,000 fucking feet up there I get a lot of anxiety when I fly what do you think they have that we don't know about one of the things you said about the SR 71 you said it was the fastest plane that we have that we know about that we have a totally one about yeah do you think they have some technology well it would just seemed to reason.

[400] I mean, wouldn't it be the logic that if you made that much progress in 30 years that, that, you know, exponentially, if you take the same progress like in cell phones in the last 20 years from a briefcase with a cord and a headset, and then the move down was the brick.

[401] Okay, that was the after that.

[402] Okay.

[403] That same technology now they're microscopic and they can, you know, tons of data.

[404] I mean, you just take that same stream of technology.

[405] and apply that to another sector where we're spending billions and billions and billions of dollars on projects that we don't even know about.

[406] Fuck, yeah, there's got to be something faster.

[407] I want to know about, I want to know about Harp up in Alaska.

[408] I want to know about the F23 that supposedly can hover and it's a scram jet.

[409] Okay, I want to know about that, that it could fly at 120.

[410] thousand feet okay and it can go from uh it can go from uh last outside of las ad las vegas supposedly it it fucking takes off and then it refueles at about 90 ,000 feet no 45 ,000 feet on its way to 90 ,000 feet and then it hits the after so it meets a plane and refuel in the air how dope is that they refuel in the fucking sky yeah and how the fuck are they doing that man I don't know and then it's the cleanest burning and it's a fastest and people can go from it'll be over the Pacific where there's nobody they fucking they refuel and then they hit that scramjet and they go to 120, 140 ,000 feet like the outer atmosphere shit and then bounce back off of it and what you don't understand well if you go straight up and you continue in a straight line the earth is moving to like 17 ,000 miles per hour so that's adding to your speed trippy when you add altitude to it and then gravity on top of that compounding so you're falling much faster you know thousand it could go up to theoretically three thousand miles per hour four thousand miles per hour fucking amazing do you guys remember how cool it was in the 80s that blackbird remember the blackbird it was like the f -15 or what was it was like to wrap your head around that kind of fucking speed no man it's time traveling man that's the closest we're ever going to get I wonder if they have some shit that's not released, that's even faster than what we know about, like, three or four times the speed of sound, some really nutty shit.

[411] What about that decommissioned super collider in Waxahagsy, Texas that's still a federal off -limits facility that say we did, say we created the guard particle like they did in Switzerland, which is a controlled microscopic subatomic black hole.

[412] And then the energy explodes off that we collect.

[413] that theoretically that in a bottle any matter we could stream and bang into each other and control that black hole that we could in the left of my water get boom from there we could fuel all of North America's energy services isn't that amazing it's fucking unbelievable the super colliding shit like that right I mean it's fascinating but I mean I think those the idea behind the making the little black holes that they don't have enough gravity to stay alive they die out really quickly Well, the scary version So you're thinking that someone's doing something With the one that they have in Texas Is that what you're saying?

[414] Yeah, that it's not been decommissioned Yeah And that it's being used I mean the fucking government uses everything else From the 50s They're gonna drop You know 800 billion in a fucking hole And wax of hatchie And then just say Fuck it, we're out I don't believe that They're doing something They're doing something though A lot of times There's just not enough money to run shit if they don't think they're going to get a direct result off of the experiments like what is what's going to be profitable out of these experiences what military applications is going to come from this experiment and if there's none it's real hard to justify when the economy goes to shit they close things like down all the time yeah yeah but i mean is it really close though so you think like secretly they're doing something shit some crazy shit yes maybe the whole area 51 is the most fascinating thing to me that they had a whole area that they denied even existed until I think it was like in the late 90s they tried to expand the boundaries of it and they had to claim more land to be restricted and then they had to admit that it exists in the first place but for the longest time there was just people waiting with guns but too many dudes found like this spot in the hills where you could watch them experiment with their aircrafts and too many guys who worked there who either got fired or went crazy and like Bob Lazard you know he is he's the guy that you know he's been and ridiculed, a lot of people say that he's full of shit, and he lied about his education background.

[415] I don't know what's the case or what's not the case, but his story is...

[416] Hey, I've lied on a resume, a good job.

[417] Yeah.

[418] Well, he said he had degrees in places they said he never enrolled, and there's like old yearbooks from those times, and he's not in the yearbook.

[419] So it seems like, at the very least, he's made some things up.

[420] So, you know, you got to look at it and say, well, he probably made it all up.

[421] But the point is, he would take his friends to watch these things fly in the air, and he said he worked there, and they arrested him there.

[422] And once they arrested him there, there's like, you know, it was this big story, and he came out and said there was flying saucers there and that he had worked on him and tried to back engineer him.

[423] Fucking fascinating shit.

[424] But the point, the number one point is there really is a place where they're doing secret shit and they didn't want people to know about it.

[425] And they had to tell people that existed in the 90s.

[426] Once they had satellites and satellites started flying over and taking photographs of it and people could see like the whole facility and groom lake and you can see all these, you know, these air hangers.

[427] Like, they're doing some nutty shit out there, man. They're like, that's where they're making, like, stuff like stealth bombers and, yeah.

[428] That's just the shit on the surface.

[429] There's video.

[430] Stel bomber technology, as badass as it is, it's 30 fucking years old.

[431] I think a lot of what they're doing is drones, man. There's a fascinating video of these people.

[432] This is before they shut it down.

[433] These people were watching, like, from, you know, like some parked spot, and they were filming these things flying through the air.

[434] And, like, you know, you never seen anything move like this.

[435] And I'm like, well, that's probably because there's no people in it.

[436] Right.

[437] It's probably like a drone.

[438] They're probably all drones.

[439] That's exactly like this, but small.

[440] Yeah, exactly.

[441] Baby blackbirds.

[442] Yeah.

[443] Well, you know what?

[444] I mean, we know that they have them now.

[445] We know that they have them.

[446] So if that's what they saw in 1996 and shit, when people were, you know, filming, that's probably the answer to a lot of this UFO bullshit.

[447] Well, I don't believe in UFOs.

[448] I don't, I think that time travel is a closer thing than the distance or they're creating some kind of wormhole.

[449] But I don't believe in aliens.

[450] I don't think, I think that they exist.

[451] I just don't think they've ever been here.

[452] I'm not convinced that they have or haven't.

[453] I could see it argued either way.

[454] It sounds totally preposterous when you watch those ancient alien shows and you see that guy with the crazy hair talking all his nonsense about how they believe that aliens taught all these different people, all these different things.

[455] But, you know, look, if we are people, okay, and we have aspired to travel, and we supposedly have been to the moon, if we have that sort of capability in our primitive stage of development, whatever there's a culture, 100 ,000, 200 ,000, 300 ,000 years older than us.

[456] That's nothing in the blip of time.

[457] That's nothing.

[458] So a culture that survives.

[459] Yeah, a culture that survives that's two or three million years older than us, they're going to be so fucking far ahead of us that they would literally be able to bypass all the ideas or have come to a resolution on all the ideas about interrupting life and genetically engineering new life.

[460] To them, it would be like, yeah, of course you do it.

[461] This is what you do.

[462] You just make your life.

[463] Yeah, we go there, and we introduced our genetics into these monkey genetics, and these monkeys have this crazy thing happens where their brain doubles over a period of 2 million years, and they become humans.

[464] Did that happen?

[465] I don't know.

[466] But there's a lot of fucking stories.

[467] All these different stories from so many different religions and so many different ancient texts all have to do with some higher being coming from the sky.

[468] I mean, what the fuck, man?

[469] But is that a little bit, though, that people would just want to believe in something else?

[470] Maybe.

[471] It's possible.

[472] I mean, humans, I mean...

[473] It's not an either or, you know what I'm saying?

[474] It's not an either or.

[475] We don't.

[476] I mean, if you're a survivor at this point, that you come from a long line of assholes.

[477] You know, we were the guys who ate the last bit of food.

[478] We were the ones that didn't share during famine, you know?

[479] Well, I don't know if it's that easy.

[480] I know what you're saying, but not really.

[481] You know, all you have to do is get a group of cool people together to fight off the assholes and you survive as well.

[482] You don't have to be an asshole to survive.

[483] No. You can be the cool, smart people that get together and fight.

[484] off the asses.

[485] Yeah.

[486] So just because we're here doesn't mean we're the children of assholes.

[487] But isn't it crazy?

[488] I mean, like every, we're just barbaric.

[489] I mean, well, you know, from the fucking Mayans to the, everybody in Europe, the different clans, you know, they were just barbarians.

[490] I mean, just the fucking Huns that, you know, we, like, one in, what is it, six people have the same DNA as Genghis Kong or some shit like that.

[491] How bad ass is Genghis Khan?

[492] He comes out of the steps of Mongolians.

[493] and fucking sweeps in and takes almost the whole world.

[494] Isn't that fucking amazing?

[495] I mean, grass -blatt, dude.

[496] He was a lokster.

[497] Couldn't it be awesome to be able to get real documentary footage?

[498] Like, the coolest fucking thing would be, you can't travel through time, but what you can do is go back in time and watch it and record it.

[499] Well, you know, if you imagine...

[500] If you found a way to extract it from trees, like visuals.

[501] Yeah, this is a thousand -year -old tree.

[502] Let's see what it's seen.

[503] Technically, you know, since we're just reflecting light and that's all our, all we are, okay?

[504] And light travels at us.

[505] This is the ultimate stoner talk right here.

[506] I know, right?

[507] We all just reflect light.

[508] Why were you in Guam, by the way?

[509] I was there to do a bunch of shows.

[510] I was there to do a bunch of shows.

[511] It's like he's been bothered for 20 minutes.

[512] I'm sorry.

[513] Fuck, man. I forgot that we were talking about that.

[514] Yeah, me too.

[515] I was just talking about this.

[516] I love this shit.

[517] I mean, getting high and fucking talking about.

[518] But you were doing comedy?

[519] What I'm talking about, hold on.

[520] Let me finish the point.

[521] Yeah, bro.

[522] UFOs, dude.

[523] Okay, check it out.

[524] That if you could go faster than the speed of light, right, to the time, and then with a powerful enough telescope pointed at us to catch the light, reflected, okay?

[525] You could use just as satellite technology looks down on the earth.

[526] You could see the reflection of the earth from that time and visually prove everything you wanted to.

[527] Whoa, what?

[528] If you went faster out into space, Okay, you go faster around the space, then the speed of light.

[529] You have a telescope that could look back and capture the light that's coming off the earth.

[530] The light that's coming from the earth as you go away.

[531] Yeah, you would theoretically be looking at Earth at that point.

[532] Right.

[533] The reflection of the light.

[534] So you could see...

[535] So you would be looking at Earth at that point in time.

[536] Yeah, so at the speed of light, Earth's history would come at you.

[537] I mean, if you could visually swatch it.

[538] Sort of.

[539] But you would be a thousand years in the future, looking a thousand years in the past.

[540] So you'd really virtually be in the same moment.

[541] It would still freeze.

[542] It would still be the exact same distance between Earth and you at all points.

[543] It always be the same.

[544] Right, right.

[545] But that doesn't matter.

[546] It doesn't matter.

[547] No, it's the fact that light reflects off of it.

[548] So you could catch an image of what, it might not be a perfect image.

[549] Right.

[550] So as you're going, say if you're going a million miles an hour, as it's a million miles away.

[551] Yeah.

[552] No, no, no. The light from a thousand years ago I know what you're saying The idea behind it is If you move into the future Fast than the speed of light What happens back here Moves at a much much much faster pace No No What I'm saying is that the light That bounces off the earth Right Okay has an image And that image is the same Traveling off the earth At the speed of light If you go out in a space Faster than the speed of light Okay, so you can look back before it?

[553] Yeah, you can look back at the image of the Earth with a powerful enough telescope and see the history of Earth come forward.

[554] Whoa, okay, so you're saying that if you go, say if you go forward, like some fucking insane faster than light.

[555] Alpha Centauri is 54 years.

[556] If we have the kind of technology that it will allow you to even though you're billions of light years away or however far the fuck away you are, to look back and see the earth and get close to the, actually to the ground.

[557] So you can, even from 100 million light years away, you still have full view of the earth.

[558] It wouldn't be full.

[559] It would be obscured.

[560] There would be, you know, there's dark patches, and only the light that bounces off is the sunny side of the earth.

[561] So you could see the sunny side of the earth?

[562] Yes.

[563] You couldn't catch anybody because people do fucked up shit at night.

[564] You'd be doomed.

[565] Almost all the real fucked up shit happens at night.

[566] You wouldn't get nothing.

[567] You had no proof on me, motherfucker.

[568] you can see you saw a shadow in the window bitch you don't know nothing it's not saying i'm not going for court all right i'm just saying i see what you're saying though it's trippy total stoner thought right there ralphi talk it is trippy talk well the idea of time itself is very trippy and especially because it's limited you know so true limited we are our physical bodies find it limited but when you get past our physical bodies and all other physical bodies time is just sort of it's one thing yeah it's just one big gigantic moment yeah just one big gigantic moment yeah we don't last time's only important to us that's the real mind fuck that's that is exactly it the real mind fuck is that you're dying as soon as you're born you're dying I watched a fucking guy get killed by a bear today somebody put it up on the Rogan board it was a train bear it was a train bear and the train bear had been in movies before man and the fucking guy was a gentleman band they had this bear in this pen and they're training in it and doing things with it just turns on this guy out of nowhere and rips his throat apart and just tears at it and shakes him.

[569] That's why I never want to go up in the space and look at the future the past 10 ,000 years.

[570] I want fucking bears up there.

[571] I was watching that Sarah Palin.

[572] Just the promos for that shit on Discovery or whatever it is.

[573] And that bitch is fishing next to grizzly bears.

[574] And I just want the grizzly bear to go, fuck you.

[575] I'm union.

[576] I got Union during the grizzly man movie.

[577] All right.

[578] It's your ass.

[579] I'm coming.

[580] And just attack the fucking boat.

[581] Bears are very frightening.

[582] Bear and fucking, they are powerful animals, man. They can rip a horse's fucking head off with his paw.

[583] I've talked about it too much over the past few weeks, and I talked about it yesterday on the Tom Green podcast, but there's a video you should see, folks.

[584] It's a bear eating a moose alive, and it's on the Internet.

[585] You want to know how ruthless fucking nature is, man?

[586] They're fucking brutal.

[587] They don't even kill you, man. They just start eating.

[588] Yeah, they don't care.

[589] They hold you down and they eat you.

[590] While you're still flying.

[591] Whoa, Jack.

[592] Yeah, kill me first.

[593] This video, though, the crazy thing is this is a tree.

[594] trained bear.

[595] This guy had raised this bear and trained it.

[596] And his, his, I believe it was his cousin was in the rink with it, you know, as they were working with the bear.

[597] And the bear just for whatever reason just decided to attack him out of nowhere, unprovoked, just fucked him up, man. Good.

[598] You think so really?

[599] Yes.

[600] Why are you fucking with a bear?

[601] It's a bear.

[602] Let it make some money.

[603] Let it's just try to make some money.

[604] Let it just let it fucking go.

[605] Let it's get a bear trainer.

[606] Let it just chill and be a bear.

[607] Somebody's got to do, like if you got a movie where you have a guy wrestle a bear, someone's got to train that fucking bear.

[608] We can't have a little.

[609] movie.

[610] CGR.

[611] Yeah.

[612] You know what?

[613] Did you ever see that movie?

[614] You ever see that movie Congo?

[615] Yes.

[616] Yeah.

[617] When they had those big crazy monkeys.

[618] Yeah.

[619] They were so obviously men with monkey suits.

[620] It was annoying, man. CGI has fixed all this.

[621] Michael Clark Duncan wasn't working, man. I mean, How dare you?

[622] That's my favorite earthquake joke.

[623] How dare you, bro?

[624] If you knew an earthquake, the comedian earthquake?

[625] What did he say?

[626] He said that he went on an audition and so for Planet of the Apes and saw Michael Clark Duncan in there and he called his agent and just left he said that motherfucker didn't need makeup how rude is there earthquakes in Guam I'm sorry that's hilarious all right there's earthquakes everywhere man I'm sorry even in Guam there's an earthquake you're trying to get back to the Guam actually do you know they're protected by the mariana church the lowest place on earth they're protected by it how are you protected by the lowest spot on earth the immense cavern takes out a lot of the energy from the tsunami how deep the water gets really yeah so they are protected by a reef and they're protected protected by the marianna's so they've never been jacked by a tsunami no they come but they don't get the full width and breadth of it you know a lot of the energy is lost in the canyon is that trench where they recorded that insane biological sound i know there's they call it the bloop there's one crazy sound that they recorded that's so many times louder than anything they'd ever recorded that was biological under the water and they know it's biological.

[627] I don't know what it was.

[628] It's like mayhem underwater.

[629] Screaming twice, too.

[630] Man, that guy is, he's a little much, right, baby?

[631] Yeah, man, I love that guy.

[632] I met him at this podcast.

[633] The full spectrum, bro.

[634] That's the full spectrum.

[635] That guy is a killer.

[636] Yeah, he's awesome.

[637] I look in his eyes and I'm like, yeah, that's a guy.

[638] I don't want to fuck with.

[639] Like, he would love to hurt me. Well, it'd be just a goose.

[640] He enjoys fighting.

[641] Yeah.

[642] He enjoys it.

[643] And he's fucking good at it.

[644] He likes it.

[645] It's what he's supposed to be doing.

[646] Yeah, you know, there's a broad spectrum of human beings.

[647] Yeah, man. I totally agree.

[648] Everybody's supposed to be doing their thing, you know?

[649] Yeah, man. Sometimes people find their thing, and it matches up with their personality, and sometimes they just fight it.

[650] Can you imagine if he didn't get into fighting, and instead, he was like, ah, I'm just going to work at Toys R Us?

[651] And, like, you're just like, oh, I'm sorry.

[652] It's fucking falling day waiting to happen.

[653] That would be a problem.

[654] Falling day waiting to happen.

[655] Yeah, that would be a fucking problem.

[656] Like, I'm always nervous around Eddie Bravo late at night.

[657] why have you seen him drunk I've seen him drunk and he's not wearing his shirt it's just the idea that he can kill you anytime he wants yes yes that is very scary and the fact that there is nothing I could do and then he tells guys that are like double the size how he choked him out from underneath okay and I've never even heard I've never even heard that I didn't know what that was and he's laughing about it oh yeah how I'd do I'd climb up him and then like fucking leg lock him and choke him out and shit like this and I'm like it's so weird because I don't get that from Eddie Brava as what as I do with mayhem like with mayhem I fear him but when I'm Eddie he's always just so happy and nice I never even think about him is that he's not competing yeah you know the difference is the guys that are competing guys are like actively fighting in MMA they all are super they have to always be ready to train and to spar and they're always thinking about competition they're always training hard they're always ramped up yeah you know and most of them are really comic mayhams is about as exaggerated of personalities you get but that's just who he is he's always been like that i've known that dude forever well you have too yeah he's always been like that but just the fact that they're in competition mode that's like some primal shit you're at nine all the time you know your your senses are heightened you're training for combat man that's like some serious shit can't imagine that year every day like like like from like the spartans how they you know they get their kids kidnapped and taken and beating and beaten and And toughened up.

[658] And toughened up.

[659] You know, and then they escape at 18 and they go rape and steal a girl out at night.

[660] You know, Spartan was fucking, I mean, these guys, they were warriors all day long.

[661] It's pretty crazy when you think about what pussies we are today.

[662] And that people had to be like that at one point in time for us to get till today.

[663] They had to be strong.

[664] They had to be able to fight off fucking animals and hordes of invading tribes.

[665] You had to be strong to stay alive just a few thousand years ago.

[666] It's crazy, isn't?

[667] A few thousand, a hundred and fifty.

[668] Yeah.

[669] 150 fucking year, two lifetimes.

[670] Dude, the Wild West, that was the 1800s.

[671] Yeah, man. Yeah, 1865 was the abolitionist slavery, right?

[672] Was it 1875 or 1865?

[673] Sixty -five.

[674] And then you've got, you know, fucking cowboys and Indians going to war.

[675] War.

[676] Just fucking each other up.

[677] Apache knife fighters.

[678] Oh, those guys are nasty.

[679] Did you see the thing where Obama got in trouble because he, was talking about sitting bowl and he was recognizing the sitting bowl was a hero and you know that it was like I guess it was a part of some book that he has, he has some child book and people are going hey Sitting Bull like killed like a lot of fucking Americans.

[680] Yeah it's funny because we're acknowledging now that we've integrated the American Indian into the whole American culture like they're a part of us now we're sort of acknowledging that the original Americans just fuck them you know and this guy fought back and this guy's a hero for fighting essentially us.

[681] Well, you know, it's mind -boggling when you say, you know, we're, you know, the land of the free because of an act of terrorism.

[682] Tell that to Willie Nelson.

[683] He's in fucking going to be in jail for pot, land of the free, my dick.

[684] Yeah, dude.

[685] But, you know, we say that, you know, we espout all this patriotism and stuff.

[686] And if you go to the Boston Tea Party, which is fucking, which is dumb -dums.

[687] Republicans.

[688] That are mad that we have a black guy or saying, you know, we're tea party.

[689] they're fucking talking about a terrorist act that was a terrorist act it was not an act of war you know that right we call it rebellion because we're on this fucking side of it but it was a fucking basically a terrorist act if a what was what is if white guys today dressed up as as Arabs okay and attacked a private company and destroyed property we'd call it a terrorist act okay All right.

[690] And that's exactly what we did.

[691] Right.

[692] Okay.

[693] It's a terrorist act.

[694] Yeah, I know what you're saying.

[695] And that's how we bore our nation.

[696] And the same thing that, you know, we accuse Afghanistan of being terrorists because they want to kill us.

[697] Or they killed this many and they don't want to be under our fucking rule.

[698] How dare we be an empire like the fucking British War to us?

[699] Well, we're a lot crazy than that.

[700] We're more crazy than any empire ever.

[701] We have military presence in over 100 countries.

[702] Yeah.

[703] Do you know what that means?

[704] Yeah.

[705] We've got guns all over the world and jets and Americans and soldiers.

[706] soldiers ready to go at any time what's up what's up dude's ready to go strategically placed in all sorts of areas that you can get jets to them in time are you nervous about this fucking north korea guy no no really not at all no i think he just wants better trade agreements it's not gonna die but he's about to die he's already named his successor nothing's gonna happen but look look at his son though his son's ready to jump in but he looks like he's a nice young guy that plays starcraft and he's gonna he's gonna be like finally dad's gone i could play starcraft with all my friends.

[707] Yeah, right.

[708] I always want to chill out.

[709] Maybe play StarCraft.

[710] It's not as fun.

[711] Once you have nuclear weapons you can use.

[712] I'm telling you, man. It's like a nice guy.

[713] They bomb the fuck out of that island.

[714] They destroyed the U .S. They attacked an island, right?

[715] Yeah, they shelled the shit out of it for hours.

[716] They flattened it.

[717] Really?

[718] And what was on the island?

[719] Who was on the island?

[720] People.

[721] They killed people?

[722] South Koreans.

[723] Yes, they killed thousands, supposedly.

[724] Really?

[725] Yes, it blew up a fucking island.

[726] You heard it was seven?

[727] I thought seven people were injured.

[728] This is a recent.

[729] hard conversation.

[730] We should go Google.

[731] Yeah.

[732] And then they killed 47 South Korean sailors.

[733] They downed a fucking ship and they said and then they said they didn't.

[734] Motherfucker, we got you on tape, B. What happened?

[735] They fucking blew up a battleship and not a battleship.

[736] It's like a trawler of the South Korean Navy.

[737] They blew it up and killed 47 sailors.

[738] That's an act of war.

[739] Two dudes died.

[740] Two dudes.

[741] On the shelling?

[742] And they both died of AIDS.

[743] They both had to hear.

[744] They were like, I'll tease the cry.

[745] There's a theme to our conversation, and it's numbers.

[746] I think we need to leave out numbers until we know these bitches.

[747] It's two people died, bro.

[748] Two.

[749] Dose.

[750] Dose humans.

[751] And the shelling?

[752] That's it?

[753] Oh, my God.

[754] But what about the 47 sales?

[755] Still, that's still people that fucking died, man. The whole thing is crazy.

[756] The guy's killing people.

[757] He's killing people, and they're, yeah, it looks like they're on the brink of war.

[758] Well, maybe you're right, man. Maybe he's so fucked up.

[759] He is going to try to actually go out with a bang.

[760] I think he's fucking crazy, dude.

[761] You never know, man. I think they, you know, don't underestimate cuckoo.

[762] You've got to be pretty crazy to want to be some sort of a leader like that, a leader of a country, leader of a cult, leader of anything.

[763] To be that arrogant that you should be the main person, it means really just playing up on a flaw in human nature.

[764] Yeah, man. The flaw is the necessity of the alpha, where we're always looking to the one.

[765] person that we are going to be led by that's how all tribes of animals deal with it tribes of wolves do it tribes of monkeys do it and tribes of humans do it we need one person even that one person isn't qualified as long as there's one person in that position that's why you know the solacea repellent thing is possible you don't have to be qualified you just have to be in the position you know this fucking guy isn't qualified to be the president of north korea you tell me other north korean people haven't said listen i'm a lot more reasonable.

[766] I could get shit done with other countries.

[767] Yeah, we can have like heat and food.

[768] Of course, they're all thinking like that.

[769] There's a cabbage in every pot in the ground.

[770] Chicken in every pot.

[771] Yeah, right?

[772] Yeah, you've got to be a really twisted motherfucker to want to run things.

[773] They've got fucking rockets that hit off the shore of Hawaii.

[774] Do they really?

[775] They can get to Hawaii?

[776] Yeah.

[777] Wow.

[778] You better not fuck up Hawaii.

[779] I like Hawaii.

[780] Man, Hawaii's awesome.

[781] I was there after Guam.

[782] I was there after Guam.

[783] I got back to you.

[784] Would you say, Brian?

[785] They're not going to fuck up Hawaii.

[786] Well, what if they do, man?

[787] If they're willing to fuck up these people on this island, man. Let me tell you what.

[788] The fact, there's over a million infantry of North Korea.

[789] That's what people do there.

[790] There's a lot of people, man. Everybody is fucking in the army.

[791] It's true.

[792] All right, if they wanted to walk over South Korea, there's nothing we could do with 28 ,500 U .S. troops right there, except for battlefield nukes to prevent it.

[793] Do you understand?

[794] The complete wipeout, within hours, they could take Seoul, all of it be gone all of it bed dazzled really how much how many troops does the united states have there 28 ,500 think that's plenty it's no what the shit we got son well yeah well that's what I'm saying without battlefield nukes yeah there's no way to do it they got jets don't they have like jets and fucking they have jets and shit do they have jets they're all the same shit would they get soviet shit yeah and Chinese shit Chinese shit yeah motherfuckers those those those men they fuck up your nikes let me tell you what they can fuck up a jet they'll make a fast mig yeah man and they got a lot of them and they got a shit load of numbers dude that's the real just on share numbers you couldn't stop that the real crazy thing is china and if you really wanted to have a country if we are we're in one sort of situation like we used to have like with the united states versus russia when i was a kid it was always everyone was worried that russia was going to duke the united states yeah yeah Off range.

[795] Red Dawn, right?

[796] Soda Pop and Pony Boy.

[797] Those motherfuckers.

[798] Yeah.

[799] Everybody was concerned that we were going to eventually get involved in some sort of a nuclear exchange.

[800] And you always heard, oh, we almost came to a nuclear exchange.

[801] It was a mistake.

[802] And we got out of it.

[803] And luckily, cooer heads prevails.

[804] Shall we play again?

[805] Yeah.

[806] And would you like to play again?

[807] And, um, shit.

[808] That was just, I mean, that was just a little while ago, man. We kind of forgot what that's like.

[809] But China is in the position to be that again.

[810] Yeah.

[811] They, they are really.

[812] ruthless people.

[813] They are ruthless.

[814] They're ruthless.

[815] And there's so many of them.

[816] They, look, if you watch, like, some of the HBO special on some of the shit that's going down in China right now, you know what's really popular?

[817] What's happening a lot?

[818] People selling their kids.

[819] Yeah.

[820] People are having their kids and it's selling them.

[821] And they're like five and six years old.

[822] It's so hot right now.

[823] Selling it to corporations.

[824] It's terrifying, man. There's a whole show on it where this brother, you know, his brother was five and his brother was kidnapped.

[825] And they kidnapped his brother instead of him because he was eight and he would have known how to get home.

[826] So they kidnapped this fucking five -year -old and took him away, and he sold it.

[827] His father sold it.

[828] And his father's talking about him.

[829] He had to sell one of his sons, and he didn't want to, but he had to do it.

[830] So he went with the younger one because he didn't know any better, and he could trick him.

[831] There was something along those lines, but, you know, he was talking about how he was really upset that the older boy was still mad at him about it.

[832] Yeah, but these kids are part of the kids that are smoking cigarettes where you see on the YouTube videos and stuff.

[833] You're like, oh, this guy's a dick.

[834] I would sell him for $5.

[835] He's, you know, smoking all my cigarettes.

[836] dad at all.

[837] He's just a little boy, man. The little boy whose brother was left behind.

[838] It was really, really heartbreaking.

[839] It's horrible.

[840] He's talking about missing his brother and how his brother was so mad at his father that his father sold his brother.

[841] I was like, you got to be fucking shitting me, man. And all the time he's wearing him to corporations.

[842] He's wearing dirty clothes and he's in this fucking shack, you know, this little shack with his dad.

[843] And his dad is trying to explain how he needed the money.

[844] I'm like, God.

[845] And the only way it's like, it's like you know, the only way to citizenship shit basically like in Roman times is to be in the army you know to go from poverty to grace and stuff is to A have intellect okay to show you know an in aptitude for military service or science or math or you know athletics or you go to the fucking drones in China you mean?

[846] In China you have to be so everybody joins the military in China too yeah it's got a huge fucking military how big is your military I want to hear a number I know you got one in your head come on It's supposedly the third largest overall When you incorporate its power strength My own power rating is number three But on sheer numbers If they wanted to because they have like the National Guard Where people are You know that that earn in certain areas They're like the National Guard Even though they might work at a factory also Right If you enlist this militia It's the largest army in the world Real?

[847] By number wow That's crazy Way by number and then but by power it's only number two it's a whole interesting life that they have there man you know this all the the shit that's going down with these companies that have people working insane hours and people are jumping off buildings and shit just wait the whole concom thing i read something that was kind of an interesting rebuttal that concom because it talked about all these suicides that concom have but then it noted that concom has over 500 ,000 employees so is that above average it's not really it's not compared to the population no it's not And, you know, yeah, they're working shit jobs, man. Those jobs suck.

[848] Yeah, they just suck.

[849] You're going to work on a factory assembly line?

[850] Yeah, guess what?

[851] Yeah, the school goes in the hole.

[852] You know why?

[853] Because Walmart wants to save 17 cents per unit.

[854] I would start selling kids.

[855] I mean, like, I could get like $10 ,000 selling my kids.

[856] I'll just have a baby factory.

[857] I don't think they're that much.

[858] No, they're not even that much.

[859] That's what's sad.

[860] You get like a grand.

[861] That's way better than that.

[862] What is that?

[863] What is that?

[864] What is that?

[865] What is that?

[866] It's crazy.

[867] It probably is.

[868] But by the time you're done crying.

[869] That's right when your money runs out.

[870] I just got to turn it off.

[871] You got to turn it off.

[872] You got to turn it off.

[873] It's your kid.

[874] Good luck with that.

[875] I mean, they're not even your kids.

[876] You're haunted dreams for the rest of your fucking life, man. You just sold your son.

[877] Haunted dreams.

[878] That just goes to show you.

[879] The apocalypse...

[880] I'd sell me. The apocalypse is everywhere.

[881] It's just not here yet.

[882] The apocalypse is everywhere.

[883] There's different lives that are experiencing it all over the world.

[884] And individual bases with individual families and individual situations, there's Apocalypse is all over Africa, all over parts of the world, all over China.

[885] A horrible Holocaust in Sudan.

[886] It's insane.

[887] The shit that's going down in Africa right now, if it was happening in your neighborhood, you would be swearing it was the end of the world.

[888] You know what'd be cool of is that?

[889] People run through with machetes and cut people's heads off and hands.

[890] Yeah, there's a lot of hacking to death with machetes.

[891] And taking kids and getting them drug addicted and shooting cocaine and hair on.

[892] America should start franchising itself, like as a brand name.

[893] Like, hey, we're going to have an America.

[894] opening up in your neighborhood and you can have our laws and rules and protection you know what's going to cost you money and it's going to start popping up like Starbucks franchise America dude dude let's go to the American it is the largest employer yeah that's a great idea we just go to Africa and just jack it yeah and then go to Starbucks I think we already did that bro we did that once Africa well they try to that what's going on right now is there's so much war civil war in the Congo there's a lot of like expensive shit in the Congo minerals and stuff and stuff that we can use They just found lithium there So there's the next gold rush The Congo's That's a fascinating For your lithium batteries In your fucking technology So much rape and crime And scary shit Even UN workers man Like people who have worked for the UN Are down there raping and killing That's why you need to go to America Yeah So do you think we can go there and take Don't play any music bro Where the food is No We're going to go on serious soon So we can't keep doing that You're going to fuck us up man It's America Yeah but you don't know on that Do you own that song?

[895] I'm friends with the people that do.

[896] No, you're not.

[897] Call, Trey.

[898] Don't say your friends.

[899] Unless you can call that dude right now and go, yo, what up, Trey?

[900] Hey, Trey.

[901] It's Brian.

[902] He's not going to answer that phone.

[903] He's going to go, who is this weird fuck?

[904] He's not going to sue you.

[905] You don't know that, sir.

[906] You got to get releases for shit.

[907] This is the karaoke version, too.

[908] Oh, that makes it good.

[909] I still have the same tunes, man. I couldn't even hum that song, that door song in my Comedy Central special.

[910] I couldn't go do, do, do, do, do, too.

[911] Do do that.

[912] Couldn't do that.

[913] You can't do that.

[914] You can't do that.

[915] Because someone owns that.

[916] And you know what?

[917] No one gave me any shit when I sampled Kung Fu Fighting in my second special.

[918] You sampled it?

[919] You mean you got on stage and sang it?

[920] Yeah, I hummed it.

[921] Hmm.

[922] Does someone own that?

[923] Yeah, Carl Douglas.

[924] Is there a time where music becomes everyone's property?

[925] Isn't there like some sort of a thing that happens with books and literature?

[926] Yeah, but they become property, like...

[927] What is the term?

[928] I think it is.

[929] I think it's, you know, like, you can't...

[930] You know, like Christmas songs, you know?

[931] Like, anyone can sing a Christmas song.

[932] Oh, it's a public domain song.

[933] Public domain.

[934] That's exactly what the term is.

[935] Public domain.

[936] Yeah.

[937] Does that happen with every song?

[938] I don't think so.

[939] I mean, it should really have to, like, 100 years or something like that.

[940] Yeah.

[941] Yeah.

[942] I don't know.

[943] I don't know, man. You know, it's...

[944] You know, there's somebody who gets paid on happy birthday.

[945] Yeah, that's pretty nuts.

[946] Like, when you go to Ben against, They can't sing happy birthday.

[947] So they have some mutant version of it.

[948] Birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday.

[949] It's so gross.

[950] Just do it and see if you get away with it.

[951] You know, where they're going to sue Benigans all over the world.

[952] You know, they come out and do it.

[953] That's just gross.

[954] Whoever would do that, man, what a piece of shit you are.

[955] You're claiming you own happy birthday.

[956] Just because you own that shit on paper.

[957] I know, man. That doesn't mean you own happy birthday, you fucking weirdo.

[958] I know.

[959] Everybody's...

[960] Well, we had to be...

[961] How can you own that?

[962] shit's been around forever forever did someone actually write that yeah two people apparently i doubt it that's what they say i don't know hey let's get together and make a song together that's what they do man they sit down try to come up with a catchy lingo are you people following you right now uh on what on this stuff on twitter yeah there's twitters oh no shit yeah see that's why you need to get into twitter because you i mean it's kind of people interact with it's like hey i'm in Chicago right now, what's the best place to eat?

[963] You'll get instant answers or what's the best place to, where can I get some weed?

[964] You know, instant answers.

[965] Oh, you know, I answered those questions myself.

[966] It's like instant information though.

[967] It's, it's like text, it's, it's, it's, you have, you have, you have the, the, the combined knowledge of eight thousand, possibly if they were all online at the same time, I ask one question so you have the population.

[968] You definitely get good answers to a lot of shit.

[969] And if you're an interesting person, you're into things that, you know, fascinating things about science and space, and I know you are, when you tweet those, if you find something online and you find some story like, whoa, check this shit out.

[970] You know, they just invented, bam.

[971] And you put that link up.

[972] You put that link up.

[973] A bunch of dudes will retweet that link and then they'll start sending you shit, hey, Ralphie, I know you're into this space shit.

[974] Check this out.

[975] They just discovered this.

[976] Boom.

[977] And that's what's going to.

[978] on a mic.

[979] Have you heard about harp?

[980] Sure.

[981] Have you heard about harp?

[982] That's fucking amazing.

[983] What have you heard?

[984] What is your opinion of harp?

[985] That we are, we are secretly having a war.

[986] We are attacking Pakistan, China, India, Bangladesh, and Indonesia, that whole area, a region, through bending the ionosphere with massive radio waves.

[987] So what are we doing to them?

[988] We're causing flooding, like beyond.

[989] uh all time that's ever been recorded um concentration of earthquakes um that we're relieving the pressure that we're moving the ionosphere wait a minute where are you getting all this man are you sure yeah it's yeah this is a harp age no i'm not sure but i mean that's what i'm saying i mean are you sure i know what you're saying i know that but i'm saying are you that the floods this year were the greatest of all time that they have uh according to usGS they have a higher rate of We're in a very high earthquake for Asia, Central Asia, and South Asia, of all time.

[990] Yeah, but Ralphie, that easily could be because of cycles of the earth.

[991] That doesn't mean shit.

[992] We have only, what we've studied as far as like earthquakes and floods and, you know, the history of weather and disasters.

[993] This is, we're dealing with a tiny fraction of the time that the Earth has existed.

[994] Our data is so small.

[995] So when you say something like, you know, there's record earthquakes or there's record floods, the record is like you just woke up and the phone rang and you're like, this phone has rang a record number of times today because it only rang once.

[996] Because you've only been awake for five minutes.

[997] Our knowledge of the earth is so fucking minuscule that any time people get crazy and start saying things like, oh, there's a record number of earthquakes.

[998] It must be because someone's attacking Pakistan with a lightning bolt that goes into the sky.

[999] It's not necessarily the fact that sounds sexy as fuck.

[1000] That sounds sexy as fuck.

[1001] That's what I'm, that's, but I don't think it's that simple.

[1002] I don't think it's that simple.

[1003] I think, who knows what it, it's a research project.

[1004] It's a high frequency, active aurora research program.

[1005] We don't know exactly what they're doing.

[1006] They could be doing a bunch of different things.

[1007] They could be trying to charge up the ionosphere.

[1008] But the idea that they're, somewhere now they're shooting something in a space and attacking Pakistan, dude, someone's bullshit in you, because that is not what's happening.

[1009] Okay.

[1010] There's just no, no evidence that points to that at all.

[1011] No, no, There's all these fucking people that want everything to be sexy.

[1012] They want everything to be sexy.

[1013] They want everything to be the government's attacking us from space.

[1014] They want everything to be a conspiracy.

[1015] And the problem with that kind of thinking is it fucks up the ones that are real conspiracies because there's a lot of them.

[1016] There's plenty of real ones.

[1017] See, I think that's a real place.

[1018] They're definitely doing real research, but I don't know what that is and I don't think you do either.

[1019] And I think until we do know, you can't really say that.

[1020] You can't just go and say there.

[1021] attacking Pakistan with shit from the sky.

[1022] No, but that's the latest theory.

[1023] But by who?

[1024] Alex Jones' is a half -retarded, illegitimate brother?

[1025] Who?

[1026] I like Jesse Ventura, but there's a lot of conspiracy.

[1027] I was a Navy SEAL.

[1028] You should listen to me. That was there in the shit.

[1029] I ain't got time to believe.

[1030] Yeah, I listen to him, too, and I think he's another guy that's looking for things to be sexy.

[1031] He wants conspiracies.

[1032] There's plenty of goddamn conspiracies.

[1033] experiences that are real.

[1034] But when you start looking for them and everything and saying that you know, things get fucking squirrelly, man. I just know that they're fucking with the ionosphere and they're bombarding it.

[1035] Sure, but I don't know what they're doing or why they're doing it.

[1036] You know, it could be some sort of weather experimentation.

[1037] It could be some sort of experimentation as far as like recharging the magnetosphere or changing things.

[1038] Or keeping the poles straight.

[1039] Who the fuck knows what they're doing?

[1040] I don't know.

[1041] I don't have a goddamn clue.

[1042] I know, that's why I really want to know more about it There's a crazy one was Operation Starfish Prime I believe that's what it was called They shot a nuke up into space and blew it up Yeah, they exploded a nuke way more fucking danger They did it in the 50s, the Russians did it Well the Americans did it We blew up, we blew it up inside the Van Allen radiation belts Like they were going to try to punch a hole To the Van Allen radiation belts And they fucked everything up man It made it like way more radioactive The whole thing is a disaster up there It'll be like that for like a billion years and shit.

[1043] Yeah, it's fucking done.

[1044] But it fucked out.

[1045] It stopped power in New Zealand to Australia, to Los Angeles.

[1046] The EM Pulse was so much more magnified because of where it was.

[1047] It's really trippy when you go back in time and look at how many different things that human beings did where they just took a chance.

[1048] Like, let's see what happens when we just blow up a nuclear bomb in space.

[1049] Let's just shoot it up there and blow it up.

[1050] And they all sat around and thought about it and go, can we do that?

[1051] Yeah, we could do that.

[1052] John Wayne made a movie called Gingis Khan in the crater of a fucking nuke.

[1053] We, we, a surface detonated, and then, like, eight years later, they made a film in the crater.

[1054] Really?

[1055] That's why everybody on that fucking movie died of cancer.

[1056] I did hear that he had done some movie, and they filmed it somewhere near where they're doing nuclear experiments.

[1057] But I didn't know they filmed it in the crater.

[1058] In the fucking crater, dude.

[1059] You can see blast.

[1060] to Google.

[1061] Ralphie Mae requires a lot of Google for me to agree with them.

[1062] I'm sorry, brother.

[1063] I'm sorry.

[1064] Okay, so it's John Wayne.

[1065] John Wayne.

[1066] By all.

[1067] Genghis Khan.

[1068] How do you spell Genghis?

[1069] G. Multiple spellings, but I think it's G -E -N -G -H -I -S.

[1070] G -H -I -S.

[1071] And then K -H -A -N.

[1072] That was the role that he played.

[1073] I don't know if it was the name of the movie.

[1074] But everybody on that, fuck it.

[1075] from the set directors to catering died of cancer.

[1076] Wow.

[1077] Did Gingis Kong nuke John Wayne?

[1078] Right away, man. Right away their stories about it.

[1079] Creepy fucking right.

[1080] Wow.

[1081] He was also, you know, two pack a day smoker.

[1082] Densive, above ground nuclear weapons testing occurred at the test site.

[1083] It's part of Operation Upshot Not Hole.

[1084] I'm telling you, man. That's where the pictures come from.

[1085] They just used to do shit back there.

[1086] But 1981, 91 of them had developed some form of cancer and 46 had died of the cancer.

[1087] Holy shit.

[1088] So at a 220 people in the entire casting crew, almost half of them.

[1089] That would be their continuous exposure over multiple weeks.

[1090] But they filmed really fast back then.

[1091] So it wasn't even like it was nowadays.

[1092] I wonder how long they were there for.

[1093] Yeah, but what if they just all ate red M &Ms or something like that, you know?

[1094] Like what if it was just something else?

[1095] I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact they were in a fucking nuclear crater.

[1096] Yeah.

[1097] They were in a crater blown up by an atomic bomb.

[1098] A half -life of 5 ,000 years, and you're just chilling there, filming.

[1099] Take Toe.

[1100] Well, I wouldn't feel on that one.

[1101] Can we get another take on that one?

[1102] How pissed would you be?

[1103] How pissed would you be?

[1104] You'd like, you didn't know?

[1105] You didn't know?

[1106] The actors don't know.

[1107] You think John Wayne knew?

[1108] He didn't know.

[1109] Nobody knew.

[1110] The producers didn't know either.

[1111] That's a crazy thing.

[1112] No one knew.

[1113] Well, they got cheap shooting.

[1114] They fucking knew that.

[1115] That's not that long ago, man. That's like the 19 -fucking 60.

[1116] and shit.

[1117] Yeah, it was in the 60s, right?

[1118] There's not nuts of people.

[1119] We didn't know shit just then.

[1120] It's like 50 years ago, man. We didn't know shit then.

[1121] That's incredible.

[1122] Yeah.

[1123] Where's your survival place?

[1124] I don't know, man. I'll go back to Colorado when the shit hits the fan.

[1125] You still have your place in Colorado?

[1126] No. No, I only leased it.

[1127] I leased it for a year.

[1128] I would totally go back there.

[1129] My safe place would be the shower curled up in the fetal position.

[1130] Yeah, I'm going to kiss you by with a gun in my mouth.

[1131] Kiss you in the cheek before I drive off into the background.

[1132] yeah right take you later zombie hordes they'll be coming for you son man it will get very within days metropolitan areas will be I mean with that with the interruption of basic service I'd probably go right to go on yeah that's the problem it just it only needs to be out for a couple of weeks what could happen in the fucking horrors that's been happening Katrina that's terrible man I've watched documentaries on that shit it's just horrific what that city went through civilization just shut down shut the fuck down It took a matter of days You tell you what You take fresh water And electricity away from people And they go fucking cuckoo for cucko puffs It is amazing when you see the difference Well yeah nobody does And they go with animal And it's hot as fuck there It's scary Well you're not supposed to be there The whole city's not supposed to be there Yeah it's not supposed to be underwater like that That's the crazy thing It's below sea level Yeah So you have walls up to keep the ocean out Holy shit And this is where you keep your shit This is where you sleep Yeah I know it's awesome But why is it awesome?

[1133] It's awesome because there's people that are awesome.

[1134] Why don't move the awesome people?

[1135] Let's all make an agreement.

[1136] Let's all move our awesomeness up to higher ground.

[1137] If they hadn't had this recession, they were talking about the largest public's work thing ever.

[1138] They were going to detour the Mississippi to round the city of New Orleans to make a delta to protect it.

[1139] And they were going to reroute the Mississippi.

[1140] It's what the Corps of Engineers had slated as the largest public works Larger than the Hoover Dam Exponentially larger Jesus Christ An incredible waste of money But they were going to build all this thing They were going to help And the idea is because it's so awesome New Orleans is so awesome Yeah that it needs to be protected It's kind of crazy man Because it's not like there's a lack of places to move to There's a lot of spots in this country You could relocate How many people are living in New Orleans, though?

[1141] It's got to be like a million, right?

[1142] Yeah, easy.

[1143] Something like that.

[1144] But, you know, it's a great generator for Louisiana.

[1145] That's the real problem.

[1146] It's like moving them quick, impossible.

[1147] It's just too many people.

[1148] Well, man, I know Houston's not the same since Katrina.

[1149] But they should have slowed.

[1150] It's not, right?

[1151] It's really not, dude.

[1152] It's really fucking not.

[1153] I mean, the murder rate, you know, went up like 340%.

[1154] Dude, well, we were there right afterwards, and you could see, like, all these people that had been displaced.

[1155] They were all over the streets of downtown.

[1156] Like, oh, this is, like, way different than it was just a year ago.

[1157] Yeah, man. The whole New Orleans thing has got to suck because New Orleans, like, everybody talks about how great the city is.

[1158] Like, people fucking love that place.

[1159] They love it, man. And that's, that's like, in this shit spot, like, fuck, man. Yeah.

[1160] You can, what I was saying is the nonsense about the moving.

[1161] You really could never move it.

[1162] You never recreated.

[1163] It wouldn't work.

[1164] It's a terrible idea.

[1165] But, you know, it's too bad.

[1166] They didn't slowly, like, fucking creep back.

[1167] into an area and keep New Orleans but slowly like move back away from where the water will hit.

[1168] I lived in New Orleans for like six months.

[1169] Did you?

[1170] Yeah.

[1171] I was cooking at Nolus.

[1172] And there's a lot of people in New Orleans that believe again because it happened once in the 60s during, I think it was Camille that white people from Lake Pontch train blew up dynamited the levees.

[1173] Really?

[1174] Yeah.

[1175] Isn't that like a Spike Lee conspiracy?

[1176] No, that's a fact it's a fact it's a fact and that and that people heard loud explosions that were still on their roofs majority of them died when they drown but okay so these people they blew up the levees to drown the black people no to drain lake pontch train because it's lake pontch train with the largest amount of water you're keeping back okay so in the areas that happen to bear the so why they want to do that to save the white communities on punch tree oh the Really expensive homes.

[1177] Oh, okay.

[1178] So they had a drain it because those homes were going to get encouraged by water?

[1179] Yeah, the water was about to flood them.

[1180] Oh, so they jacked everybody by breaking the dams and then killing a bunch of people.

[1181] Much people must have died, right?

[1182] Yeah, that's where I think 95 % of the casualties from Katrina happened was the flooding.

[1183] Wow.

[1184] And people go, you know, you've got time.

[1185] And it's like, no, you're not.

[1186] You know what I mean?

[1187] That water is coming in at like, you know, a foot every kid.

[1188] second.

[1189] What the fuck.

[1190] Yeah.

[1191] And it's like you can't.

[1192] Where the fuck you go?

[1193] You knock a hole in the fucking...

[1194] Getting stuck in your house because there's water outside up to the second floor.

[1195] Crazy.

[1196] And you're stuck in the attic and then outside it's 108 degrees and you're baking and that's when people die.

[1197] And there was a big, big, big problem with the amount of response and the quickness of the response.

[1198] Yeah, man. I mean, we can, you know, in 18 hours, we can be in fucking Afghanistan with, you know, 10 ,000 troops.

[1199] In 18 hours.

[1200] We couldn't go to New Orleans.

[1201] There's no money.

[1202] There's no money in being able to go to New Orleans.

[1203] It's crazy, man. The money is in going to countries with tanks and taking care of business and owning shit.

[1204] But it's like, you know, Anna's the Cooper's there going, hey, where's, hey, this is all falling shit.

[1205] Oh, well, we don't watch CNN.

[1206] We watch Fox News and Bill O 'Rowdy says that those white people should have left and fuck.

[1207] him.

[1208] Did he really say that?

[1209] No, no, he did not say that.

[1210] No, no. He just gives off attitude.

[1211] Fox News gives off a, actually, an attitude that's shared by a lot of people.

[1212] Those people knew that the hurricane was coming and they should just leave.

[1213] But life on the Gulf, if you ever lived there, I mean, you never think you're going to get a fucking hit.

[1214] You have parties.

[1215] Yeah, you have parties.

[1216] And the truth is that powers out for a week, week and a half, two weeks.

[1217] If you could take it, fuck it, there'll be ice.

[1218] You know, you'll be able to, you'll be to stay in your house.

[1219] You won't get, looted, right?

[1220] But you're also talking about people who are dirt poor that don't have a disposable, you know, in case the fucking hurricane hits right now, I've got, you know, $500 to take me to Houston to where my relatives are, you know?

[1221] Well, on an individual basis, you could always understand everybody's own problems in getting out of there.

[1222] But as you look at it objectively, they're right.

[1223] The people that are saying, why are they living there?

[1224] They're right.

[1225] You really shouldn't be living in a place where you're that close to some sort of Army Corps of Engineers has fucked it up.

[1226] I mean, you know, the Army Corps of Engineers fucked it up?

[1227] When they dredged and they put the inner coastal channel in, they stopped the wetlands from being formed, the natural delta effect of the Mississippi is to meander, and they fixed it.

[1228] So they had proper channels for shipping.

[1229] Oh, yeah?

[1230] And what's happening is it's eroding coastline, and coastline's going further and further back.

[1231] I see it being constantly built up, it's being allowed to erode.

[1232] And that's why hurricanes over the future are going.

[1233] going to be more damaging to the city of new orleans and why is that important because 80 % of well i know as soon as katrina happened there was no fuel in Nashville there was no fuel there was no gas stations all right and it got crazy quick and people were like having to go out and see their neighbor and say hey uh do you uh do you have gas yes i do i do too great then uh when do you want to go it was crazy you know we have enough gas to go shopping in Nashville in Nashville how long did this go on for it was gone on for like two and a half weeks didn't happen in in Georgia too it happened a lot of southern states because that happened while we were in Atlanta while that was going down and the people were talking about it when we were working at the punch line right and the the employees were talking about yeah there was no gas and people were waiting in large giant lines to get in giant lines and as soon as you sell you would you would people were going on their C -Bs and internet and looking for trucks.

[1234] I mean, you know, any truck, any tanker that was going through was being diverted.

[1235] Dude, we don't know how close we are to the tit.

[1236] Dude, we are less than eight hours away from total catastrophe at any time.

[1237] God damn it, Ralphie Mae.

[1238] Why are you bringing this doom and gloom here?

[1239] I'm just trying to say positive.

[1240] I'm just trying to tell you that you're right to train and be UFC and be fucking, you know, closer to your chimp, all right?

[1241] Because we are very close.

[1242] You know, with our fucking iPhones and everything like this, and Twitterin and all this shit, you know, we've got this amazing amount of power that electromagnetic pulse would knock out completely, all right?

[1243] Or say, say, fucking, a terrorist, you know, instead of going for the fucking towers, all right, they flew into that fucking Indian River fucking a nuclear facility, you know, that's between Poughkeepsie and New York and irradiated all in New York.

[1244] Or hypernovas.

[1245] I was watching this documentary.

[1246] Hypernovas?

[1247] Hypernovas?

[1248] In other galaxies?

[1249] And these hypernovas, when they first started recording them, they had no idea that anything could emit this much power.

[1250] The hypernovas have so much power.

[1251] They have more power than all the stars in the sky combined.

[1252] Yeah.

[1253] And they happen all the time.

[1254] They happen like a couple times a day.

[1255] They're like all throughout the day they're happening.

[1256] And these waves, these massive waves of energy, that cosmic rays.

[1257] And it's just fucking massive supernova sun exploding event.

[1258] That could rip the atmosphere away.

[1259] destroy the entire galaxy, just cut through it, and just rape everything, leave everything there and dead, and just cook the galaxy.

[1260] It would start a new.

[1261] And they're just going off.

[1262] They all going off this guy.

[1263] Jesus.

[1264] It's going off, dude.

[1265] It's fucking mind -blowing.

[1266] What's out there?

[1267] Beyond mind -blowing.

[1268] You know, we could kill all of us.

[1269] It was a great special on PBS.

[1270] I don't know if you saw the documentary.

[1271] I don't need to watch that shit.

[1272] I think like that all the time.

[1273] Or you're just at Walmart and somebody stabs you.

[1274] You know, you're a kid in Milwaukee.

[1275] Brian's scared of Walmart.

[1276] We just, let's get through the heart of this.

[1277] Does anybody ever pull a knife on you in Walmart?

[1278] Yes.

[1279] Yeah, there's tons of weapons there.

[1280] Someone pulled a knife on you at Walmart.

[1281] Oh, no. No, no. I've never had a supernova in my face.

[1282] Yeah, that's true too.

[1283] Some douchebag cholo supernova.

[1284] I want to start some shit.

[1285] Cosmically, we were wearing Chargers jerseys.

[1286] All right?

[1287] We got stabbed.

[1288] Raiders fans that fucking happened.

[1289] Dude, I was watching something, I was reading rather some article online about they're watching these two galaxies collide somewhere and they're just like starting to record this.

[1290] Yeah.

[1291] The galaxies hit each other dude.

[1292] Just stop and think about that shit.

[1293] Like you can get hit by a planet.

[1294] Well, you know, everything has gravity so you know the sun is the most dense thing in the solar system, all right?

[1295] And it's spinning and something more dense to make it spin in that area that rotates something else that's even denser to cause it to have a gravity gravitational spin while exponentially space is expanding out to infinity and it just fucking blows your mind dude when you start listening to Carl Sagan and you start listening to you know Stephen Hawking and shit like that it's fucking mind -blowing it's amazing where as calm as we are about it all it's amazing we just you kind of have to you just accept it you have to accept a certain level of anxiety and panic yeah and it's like of what the fuck and there we are back to religion it's not me it's god the big thing with the real serious conspiracy theorist is the 2012 thing that's the big one 2012 and you know the Nibiru Anunaki connection that's when the big planet that's on an elliptical orbit that's 3 ,600 years away it comes around and comes into our atmosphere every you know 3 ,600 years and it's where we learned everything that's where the Ananaki came from and they taught us how to mine for gold for them.

[1296] It's pretty trippy, dude.

[1297] That's crazy.

[1298] I love it, man. This guy Zacharias Titchin, he just died.

[1299] You see that fucking shit that passed between us and the moon?

[1300] That big meteor?

[1301] Which time?

[1302] It's happened a bunch of times.

[1303] Yeah, but I mean, the one that just happened like a month ago.

[1304] No, I didn't pay attention to that.

[1305] Was it a big one?

[1306] It was fucking big as a semi.

[1307] Really?

[1308] Yeah, it hits.

[1309] It explodes in the fucking atmosphere and we have what they did in Siberia in 1918.

[1310] Would it really?

[1311] yeah man yeah something that that size could do that yes wow it's fucking amazing you know that plane that plane that we're talking about the um the supersonic jet was going 2 ,000 miles an hour right yeah the uh asteroids that hit a lot of them are going 45 ,000 miles an hour stop and think about that vaporization just screaming through space and slamming into the earth the one that killed the dinosaurs within the first second it was five miles deep into the earth wow that's amazing that's the one off the Yucatan Peninsula right within the first second it was five miles deep into the you can't even you won't even see that like like like maybe on the other side of no it's the speed of light it would be a flash and you'd be gone dude that would suck hard and you know it would suck harder living you couldn't see if you fucking live through that you would just some scurrying it would cause massive steel and rat If this thing hits Like it did I mean it would turn Contonance over The ultimate trip To think that 65 million years ago There was none of this There was none of us Nothing even close No flowering plants Yeah everything was totally different Sixty five million years Crazy isn't it Giant lizards that just fucked each other up They ate all day They ate each other All giant lizards cannibalizing each other They found out T -Rex was a huge Huge cannibal.

[1312] That's the most recent discovery.

[1313] Really?

[1314] Huge cannibal.

[1315] Yeah, they just ate everything.

[1316] They ate each other.

[1317] They also found that one dinosaur didn't even exist, though, so I don't even...

[1318] Triceratops.

[1319] Yeah, well, they found that it existed.

[1320] No, it exists.

[1321] But they didn't know that it was just the mature version of another dinosaur.

[1322] What if there was only one dinosaur that lived and it was a huge alien that ate all these other creatures and barfed it out throughout the earth, you know, that none of these animals actually even lived on Earth.

[1323] It was just another alien that barfed it everywhere.

[1324] You know, like this big alien came from another planet, and he's just like barf.

[1325] Yeah, and it did that for 250 million years that adds up to the carbon dating of all these fossils.

[1326] The fuck's wrong with you, Matt.

[1327] You live in a cartoon world.

[1328] No, it was just this one huge dinosaur that visited Earth once in a while.

[1329] He was going to go barf on Earth for a bit.

[1330] What if we're just like toilet?

[1331] We don't know.

[1332] Brian, that is.

[1333] You got brain damage.

[1334] You need to find out what happened.

[1335] That actually makes more sense than a lot of things.

[1336] Oh, it totally makes sense.

[1337] No, I agree with you.

[1338] That a big giant dinosaur barfed out all these dinosaurs that are here.

[1339] That's totally what happened.

[1340] No, no, bones from eating them.

[1341] Oh, yeah, yeah, it's totally good.

[1342] He shit it out.

[1343] He ate them all over hundreds of millions of years.

[1344] He totally did it.

[1345] And throughout the entire evolutionary chain where you can see where they had like legs and then all of a sudden they were probably all different species because we don't know what species in different ways.

[1346] That's what I'm saying.

[1347] That one dinosaur that they just said didn't exist.

[1348] Just found out it was a younger version of another dinosaur.

[1349] Yeah.

[1350] Yeah, so all these other species and all these other dinosaurs, we don't have any idea of this dinosaur is this dinosaur.

[1351] You know, we find out new shit all the time.

[1352] We find out new shit all the time, but they know most of what happened.

[1353] The only thing is that's really weird about any fossils is that most things when they die do not leave a fossil.

[1354] When you die, most likely you're not going to leave a fossil.

[1355] You leave a fossil if you die in like a mudslide.

[1356] You leave in a, you know, most of the times you just...

[1357] Pompeii.

[1358] Yeah, animals come along and eat your bones, and that's a wrap.

[1359] Yeah, this monster likes to eat dinosaurs in mud.

[1360] Like bear, for instance.

[1361] Here's a perfect example.

[1362] It's very difficult to find dead bears.

[1363] To find dead anything.

[1364] We know bears die all the time, but you don't really run into them their bodies that often.

[1365] That's because they eat them.

[1366] They eat them, and rats eat them, and something eats the bones, and coyotes eat them, and the bones get crushed up and ground up.

[1367] If you don't come up on it within, like, a matter of a week, two weeks.

[1368] I don't know how long it takes, but...

[1369] Sometimes you...

[1370] I mean, I've been walking through the woods in Arkansas and walked up on a deer carcass.

[1371] I mean, where our whole deer, you know, with its antlers and everything.

[1372] So the point is, if you want to find, like, fossilized deer, good luck.

[1373] Yeah.

[1374] Good luck.

[1375] Good luck.

[1376] I mean, deer have been around for who knows how long, let's say a million years or so.

[1377] Is that long enough to make a fossil?

[1378] Where's the fossilized deer?

[1379] Well, they're in the tarpits.

[1380] They're in shit like that.

[1381] Right, shit like that.

[1382] Perfect example.

[1383] Yeah.

[1384] The Pleistocene, you know, ended just 10 ,000 years ago.

[1385] I just found that out recently that, like, saber -tooth tigers and Willie Mammis, they existed just a little over 10 ,000 years ago.

[1386] Right where we are.

[1387] That is incredible.

[1388] Right where we are.

[1389] Wrap your head around that.

[1390] Willie mammoths were just 10 ,000 years ago.

[1391] Do you wrap your mind around this.

[1392] There's scientists that want to recreate the Willie Mamet.

[1393] Oh, I've seen that.

[1394] Russian scientists.

[1395] They've got the DNA.

[1396] As a food source.

[1397] As a huge food source in very barren lands.

[1398] Yeah, they're talking about how they could survive.

[1399] On lichens.

[1400] And they would just fucking butcher them and cook up the elephant meat.

[1401] What do you think elephant does it?

[1402] Oh, I bet it's like Bassin or whatever it's called?

[1403] Bison?

[1404] Bison.

[1405] Really?

[1406] Bison.

[1407] Well, they're a totally different type of animal, though.

[1408] You know, bison's are related to, like, horses and shit.

[1409] It's like the same hoofed animals.

[1410] I mean, like, they're the same, you know, they're different, but they're related.

[1411] I don't think elephants in that.

[1412] I think that's a totally different thing, right?

[1413] Yeah.

[1414] I don't know.

[1415] Elephants.

[1416] But that's where they would incubate the embryo.

[1417] So in Africa, did people eat a lot of elephant?

[1418] Is that like a common thing?

[1419] I know they still hunt them.

[1420] Yeah.

[1421] People don't understand that they kind of have to hunt them in some places.

[1422] Some places they overpopulate, and they start.

[1423] fucking with the people that live there and sampling houses and shit.

[1424] They'll kill you.

[1425] You're fucking dead, dude.

[1426] Like most, I mean, it's horrible to any elephant.

[1427] I mean, elephants are fantastic animals.

[1428] It's horrible that any of them have to get killed.

[1429] But if people are going to live there and elephants are going to live there, you're going to have to choose between elephants and people.

[1430] Or you're going to have to move those elephants and get them somehow the fuck out of there.

[1431] I'll move the people.

[1432] Yeah.

[1433] It's a tricky thing, man. Elephant ears are delicious.

[1434] Apparently.

[1435] What the fuck is wrong with you today?

[1436] I would assume they're just leathery.

[1437] I mean, I got hit by an elephant.

[1438] Do you still have that elephant horn, the ivory dildo?

[1439] Do you still have that?

[1440] Huh?

[1441] What?

[1442] You don't remember that?

[1443] No. Okay, whatever.

[1444] You don't remember an ivory dildo, dude, that escapes you?

[1445] Really?

[1446] What?

[1447] See, I'm doing what you do now, Stu, but I'm just making shit up.

[1448] Oh.

[1449] Not fun, is it?

[1450] Well, I...

[1451] Yeah, not so good for conversation, is it?

[1452] That was actually a possibility, though.

[1453] You might have an ivory dildo?

[1454] It seems like...

[1455] I've seen, like, I've met somebody that has, like, something ivory that's like, why is that ivory?

[1456] that's bad and I'm trying to think like oh did I did a girl that had an idea though the thing about ivory is there's a ban on ivory but they harvested so many tusks before the ban that it's readily available you can buy pre -ban ivory it's called yeah and you got to look at it this way those animals were already murdered and they were murdered for their ho their horns you know their tusks yeah and you know you should do something with it I mean someone should either have it you know and buy it as a you know a decoration because it's beautiful and you know to remind people that, you know, these majestic animals, you know, live and they have these crazy horns, or use it to make things out of it.

[1457] But otherwise, you're just wasting the fact that these things died.

[1458] Yeah.

[1459] They don't make soap at ivory.

[1460] No, but it is good soap.

[1461] This is the fuck is wrong with you.

[1462] I know.

[1463] Again, soap.

[1464] Dude, you are like the perfect child.

[1465] You're like the child.

[1466] It's so strange working with you.

[1467] It is good soap, though.

[1468] Ivory soap is perfect.

[1469] That's all you need, right?

[1470] Do you guys use soap or do you go to the liquid soap?

[1471] Because I recently switched back to soap because I saw some study about how dirty and gross soap is.

[1472] And then I went to body soap instead.

[1473] And then I recently went back to body soap.

[1474] I use this stuff called defense soap.

[1475] It's all for grappling.

[1476] It's soap that's designed with all these natural oils in it, like tea tree oil and stuff like that, eucalyptus oil.

[1477] It smells great.

[1478] And it's probiotics.

[1479] So it encourages healthy bacteria and kills negative bacteria.

[1480] It kills everything bad off your body, but it's not antibiotic or it's not anti -bacterial.

[1481] So it doesn't fuck with the natural chemistry of your skin.

[1482] It actually enhances it.

[1483] And it smells good and it's healthy.

[1484] It's really good for your skin.

[1485] And it's great for after jiu -jitsu because, you know, everybody, when you do jiu -jitsu, you always worry about getting skin rashes, whether it's ringworm or some people who get staff infections from scratches and shit like that.

[1486] Do you use what washcloth?

[1487] When I, when.

[1488] When you shower with eating soap?

[1489] Sometimes.

[1490] I use a couple different.

[1491] different things.

[1492] See, I gave up on this.

[1493] Mufus sponge things in my hand with the shit.

[1494] but doesn't it like the bacteria and all that crap get on that?

[1495] I use a fresh one.

[1496] You use the same one?

[1497] See, I don't use anyone.

[1498] I use my hand.

[1499] Oh, yeah.

[1500] You still got a lot of...

[1501] I think you clean the sponge off, man. You wash the sponge off.

[1502] And I don't think it's fucking rocket science.

[1503] I use Joe Malone's can't be too much of a pussy.

[1504] I like that shit.

[1505] Can't be worried about bacteria on your sponge.

[1506] I like to get in there.

[1507] Get that fucking soap in there.

[1508] You'll be fine.

[1509] But yeah, The defense soap is the shit.

[1510] If you want to try it out, you go to defense soap .com, I think.

[1511] And it's like, it's, the guy who owns the company is a guy, his kids wrestle, and he's always been around wrestling, and, you know, he got tired of all these kids getting ringworm.

[1512] So he developed a soap that was a natural soap to combat ringworm.

[1513] Because a lot of people, they go and get antibacterial soaps.

[1514] And that anti -bacterial, it kills all the good bacteria, too.

[1515] So all the shit that's, what you need to do is take probiotics, yeah.

[1516] What people don't know, one of the most important things too when when cold season comes around man wash your fucking hands wash your fucking hands but take probiotics take like acidophilus and oh yeah our kids are on it yeah and kombucha tea is a good one too and the reason being is because these are aggressive healthy bacteria and when you come in contact with shitty bacteria your aggressive healthy bacteria that you're getting from the acidophilus will actually fight it off yeah and it keeps your body healthy and strong strengthens your immune system and wash your fucking hands and take that shit and we'll have half the problems I do I do the hand sanitizer thing like crazy nowadays Our friend Johnny Rotten was telling us a great story last night about soap This is a fucking amazing story That there was a guy Maybe we should wait until he gets here Isn't you gonna do podcasts?

[1517] Well I'm talking about it right now We'll have them come back on I don't know the full details anyway But I can't just tease people like that And tune in next week When maybe we might have Johnny Rotten We tease them with the Guam story Anyway What happens is We'll go back to that Don't worry What this guy figured out was that there was soap in hotel rooms and he would go and he would wash once with it and he would put it back and he thought what happens to that soap?

[1518] Do they throw it out?

[1519] So he contacted all these major chains of hotels and says what do you do with your soap when someone uses it once and just tosses it out they go well we just throw them away and he said well you know that there's like an incredible amount of people die of just diarrhea and children die in third world countries because they don't have soap to wash their hands with and they're just diarrhea dying of diarrhea So this guy decides that he's going to organize this foundation to collect soap from these hospitals and they clean off the soap and then be redistributed to all these poor places and they're saving people's lives left and right.

[1520] Amazing, amazing, amazing shit, man. Amazing.

[1521] But that just shows you how close we are without soap.

[1522] Well, it just shows you how what's really going on is we're fighting off organisms all the time.

[1523] There's a constant battle for organisms.

[1524] Yeah, and we think that there'd be something that would, since, there's, you know, six, seven billion people on the earth now that there would be some microbe that, just like in everything, nature, when population gets out of control, there has to be something that calls the herd.

[1525] Well, there is.

[1526] We just keep killing them.

[1527] We keep finding vaccines for them.

[1528] We keep finding ways around it.

[1529] But without a doubt, that's what they're doing.

[1530] But like, you know, antibiotic resistant tuberculosis.

[1531] Or MRSA, staff infection.

[1532] That's a perfect one because it actually comes from hospitals.

[1533] and I mean people get it in hospitals and it also is one of those things where they suspect that a lot of what this stuff comes from is people taking their antibiotics but not finishing the full cycle so when you take like antibiotics you only take it for a couple of days and you go I think I feel okay well you haven't killed off all that bacteria so the bacteria that lives is stronger because of it and then it gets transmitted to someone else because it's so small so by fighting things off we're creating even stronger things and by our own stupidity and negligence and using drugs correctly.

[1534] Yeah, and not just giving a shit.

[1535] Yeah, you got to take probiotics, people.

[1536] If you learn anything from this show, it's that, and that Ralphie Mae got arrested in Guam.

[1537] So, Ralphie.

[1538] Do you get stripped throat a lot?

[1539] I doubt.

[1540] That's funny, though.

[1541] I'm not even answering you.

[1542] All right, so meanwhile, back an hour ago, back in Guam.

[1543] Okay, Marianas trench, hardest, deepest trench in the world.

[1544] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1545] You had this bag in that you, I don't know.

[1546] Let them go.

[1547] I had a backpack.

[1548] Right.

[1549] And I, um, at the bottom of it, I had 14 grams in a smelly -proof bag.

[1550] Jesus Christ, 14 grams.

[1551] That's almost a pound.

[1552] No, 14 grams is half an ounce.

[1553] It's ounce.

[1554] Half an ounce.

[1555] Half an ounce.

[1556] Okay, so 14 grams is almost an ounce.

[1557] Why do you have that much wheat in your name?

[1558] No, no, no, it's half an ounce.

[1559] What is half an ounce?

[1560] Fourteen grams.

[1561] So why do you have that much weed?

[1562] Um, I thought I took it all out.

[1563] I took out three and a half gram.

[1564] I mean, three and a half.

[1565] It's annoying about grams and shit.

[1566] Grams are metric.

[1567] Yeah.

[1568] Okay, but ounces, ounces are not.

[1569] O ounces are, that's the standard, that's what we use.

[1570] So, like, we have all this shit mixed up, like grams are mixed up with ounces.

[1571] Like, if you do a joke about grams, the only people get are drug addicts.

[1572] You know, people who know drugs.

[1573] We're cereal lovers.

[1574] I always get them fucking confused.

[1575] But that's, it's weird that they're from a different system.

[1576] That when we get low, we use grams.

[1577] But like when someone talks to me about centimeters, I have to go, Okay, what?

[1578] Who's that?

[1579] What is that?

[1580] I think it's like 1 .34.

[1581] I'm always dealing in kilograms too Because of fights.

[1582] When we do fights in Europe, the weirdest one is in England.

[1583] They have stone.

[1584] Stones, right?

[1585] Yeah, which is like, I believe it's somewhere around 13 pounds.

[1586] Stone.

[1587] He'll say he's 10 stone.

[1588] That means you're like 130 pounds.

[1589] Wow.

[1590] How weird is that?

[1591] Crazy.

[1592] Yeah, what does that mean?

[1593] They got a lot of leftover shit.

[1594] The reason why they drive the left side of the road.

[1595] Yeah, like horses with hands and stuff like that.

[1596] What?

[1597] Horses with hands.

[1598] Horses with hands.

[1599] Yeah, they measure a horse's height.

[1600] Sinitars?

[1601] By its hands.

[1602] I mean, they call it hands.

[1603] Oh.

[1604] Oh, a person's hand?

[1605] How many hands you can stack from a person?

[1606] Yeah, I think it's like 8 .4 inches is one hand.

[1607] I don't know.

[1608] Oh, wow.

[1609] Really?

[1610] Yeah, yeah.

[1611] So, like, a horse stands like 12 hands, big fucking horse.

[1612] How strange is the whole fucking measuring system being different everywhere, you know?

[1613] Inches and kilometers and miles.

[1614] That's what they try to do with the metric.

[1615] They tried.

[1616] We were all supposed to convert.

[1617] And then I just said, fuck it.

[1618] Isn't that weird that we didn't do that?

[1619] Like, how dumb are we?

[1620] Like, we wanted to make sure that people, like, figured it out.

[1621] So we said, you know, it's too complicated.

[1622] People, not enough people are going to figure it out.

[1623] Fuck it.

[1624] All it is is just a new system based on 10.

[1625] If you learn inches, fucking, for sure, you can learn kilometers.

[1626] It's all going away is very soon.

[1627] Going away?

[1628] All the different, you know, things like the grams, the ounces, the language barriers.

[1629] Everything's fucking going away in like five years, even maybe, 10 years when it gets so good that voice activation, like being able to like have something on your person.

[1630] So if a person's talking Japanese, it's automatically just going to translate it for you into English.

[1631] If somebody's telling you 12 feet instead of 12 ounces or whatever, it's going to convert it for you.

[1632] See, the problem is when you translate languages, like say if you translate Japanese into English, you're going to have to also, if you're going to translate it into English and have it direct, it's going to come out real funky because the way they talk and communicate is almost alien.

[1633] So there's a lot of creative life.

[1634] In the license involved in structuring sentences that are going to make sense.

[1635] But that's easy compared to most technology, you know?

[1636] I mean, look at the shit already.

[1637] I mean, you're fucking calling up Macy's and it's like, say one, you know, say two.

[1638] And that's just like generic shit.

[1639] That is pretty dope.

[1640] You know?

[1641] I love the car thing.

[1642] I love being able to tell my car, call Brian.

[1643] Yeah.

[1644] And it just calls you.

[1645] That's insane, man. Yeah.

[1646] That is so dope.

[1647] Yeah, everybody's iPhones can do that.

[1648] It's amazing.

[1649] It's amazing.

[1650] That freaks me out.

[1651] And my friend, Cade has, not Cade, it was it, Dustin has one of those droid exes.

[1652] And he sent, that phone's a shit, man. He sent a text by talking to it.

[1653] He talked to it.

[1654] And he, no, he made something like, you know, I'm here with Joe Rogan, and he says, I love you.

[1655] And I look at it and it says, I'm here with Joe Logan.

[1656] That was the only thing that was wrong.

[1657] It picked up Logan instead of Rogan.

[1658] Was he like, hey, my battery is about to die on my droid.

[1659] Call me, call my friends.

[1660] Oh, never mind.

[1661] I don't know.

[1662] That was a tech joke.

[1663] This phones suck battery life They suck battery life Yeah but you can always keep an extra battery The thing about iPhones that suck Is when they die like yours did last night Hi They just die And they die and it takes 10 minutes to turn back on So you're sitting there like a dumb ass Going what the fuck It's like that last dollar of gas When you prepay You're sitting there going why is this going so slow There's no reason for this They want you to quit Yeah is that what it is Is that like come on bitch Have you ever done that?

[1664] I've never done that before Yeah I've never walked away I want to start doing that You want to walk away you can keep your dollar.

[1665] My fucking time here holding your handle is worth more than a dollar to me. That's like toilet bowl technology.

[1666] That should be fixed by now.

[1667] There should be no extra two minutes of waiting for the last dollar of gas when you pre -play.

[1668] Come on, that's fucking annoying.

[1669] Do they have one of those with the new iPhone?

[1670] Remember they used to be able to buy the extra large charger?

[1671] It was gigantic and it was not a charger, rather, battery, and it was on the back of it.

[1672] It acted as a case, but also acted as a battery and a double -a -law.

[1673] Do they have that for the new phone?

[1674] Not yet.

[1675] The new iPhone?

[1676] Yeah, the iPhone 4.

[1677] Oh, yeah, absolutely.

[1678] They have one of those new big ones for the new version.

[1679] Absolutely, yeah, Amazon .com.

[1680] Is it just as cumbersome and large?

[1681] It's pretty big.

[1682] There's a few different ones now.

[1683] But the new iPhone has like 40 % more battery life.

[1684] So does this one have double that?

[1685] And it charges a lot faster.

[1686] It's a lot faster.

[1687] The ones that, I forget the name of the company that makes it, but they double your battery life.

[1688] Mofy.

[1689] Mofy.

[1690] Mofy.

[1691] Mofy, I don't know.

[1692] Like Malfi Mae.

[1693] I know.

[1694] Yeah.

[1695] Power.

[1696] and batteries, man. That is a big major hold -up.

[1697] You know, like these electric cars they're trying to put together.

[1698] That's all well -in -good, man. But when you're going 150 miles, that's it.

[1699] That's the best you can do is 150 miles.

[1700] And that's if you drive cool, if you don't freak.

[1701] Like, they took one of those Teslas, you know, they have those electric sports car.

[1702] Yeah.

[1703] And they beat the fucking shit out of this thing around a track.

[1704] But it was cooked in like a couple of miles, man. A couple of miles, that bitch was done.

[1705] You know, they did it like for maybe 20 miles or something.

[1706] They even ran this track.

[1707] a few times, a few laps and I ran in full speed It was just cooked It's out of juice It was done Yeah they tested it against a bunch of other cars Like the Boxster and all these different sports cars Or different like little You know sporty little sort of convertible type cars It's not there yet You know the technology is not quite there yet And the weight is ridiculous So you get all this weight behind the car You know there's no real engine in the front It's not like a big fucking V8 That balances out all these batteries in the back No It's like this weird little electric engine in the front and in the back you've got this fucking giant bricks and bricks of these lithium ion batteries and it's super heavy and they're going to die yeah they're not going to last they're going to die off you know it's not simple like you just change the spark plugs no you got to get new batteries you got all new batteries your batteries suck now it's not quite there yet it's weird man it's like that technology that area of technology it seems to be there's a little bit of a lag hump there yeah it's going to turn into wireless electricity i think that's it has to be because i don't No, no, man. You know, Tesla had a fucking thing for that.

[1708] Westinghouse, when they found out what he's doing, they closed him down.

[1709] Yeah, they shut him the fuck down.

[1710] Crazy guy wanted to give away free electricity.

[1711] To the whole world.

[1712] He wanted to radiate the ionosphere.

[1713] That's probably what's next, though, for electricity.

[1714] What if HARP is based on, is HARP based on Tesla's technology?

[1715] All technology is based on Tesla.

[1716] Really?

[1717] Is that, but directly?

[1718] All modern technology.

[1719] Except flashlight technology.

[1720] Right, but directly, did Tesla have something to do with it?

[1721] I would assume.

[1722] so I bet we're going to find out I bet so you know it took him like 30 years after his death to finally get the credit for inventing the radio descended from Tesla's work wow yeah they it took like 30 years after his death to get credited for inventing radio everybody gives it to Marconi yeah still when you hear about it you hear Marconi you don't hear about Tesla and he didn't do it he even had like a hundred different fucking things what did he even dude he was constantly inventing yeah but they said he was It's like an autistic.

[1723] He would be diagnosed today.

[1724] Oh, yeah.

[1725] Well, you know, I've talked about that with a friend of mine that I have that has autistic children or a autistic kid.

[1726] And he's like the aptitude that these kids have for learning things and for holding information and for dispensing it and spitting it back out.

[1727] Like he's like, it's shocking.

[1728] It almost makes you think like wonder if this is like some weird hiccup up to the next stage of evolution.

[1729] Exactly.

[1730] You know, what we're seeing is obviously a disease.

[1731] These kids are obviously impaired when it comes to being able to communicate emotionally and being able to reach out.

[1732] But don't you think nature constantly, when it goes to evolve in anything, any form, over the history of the earth through evolution, that it's made a lot of fuck -ups until the one thing hit and then, boom, that's the next level.

[1733] Well, that's the idea is that we have mutations and that from those mutations, the ones that are useful are kept.

[1734] Yeah.

[1735] And the natural selection dictates that we move in that direction now.

[1736] that's what all of the evolution of mankind or any animal is supposed to be from that's one of the theories there's a few theories but the idea that these kids that are super genius kids like what they're having is just like a blip or just a glimpse as to the potential of what human beings can do there's this one kid man I don't know what we talked about on the podcast I think we might have he flew over Europe and looked out his window at Germany from his airplane and then drew it when he got home drew it in absolute perfect detail every city or every rather block every house every window all in the perfect place perfect perspective perfect size it's fucking incredible and this is a human being this is a human being that can do something that I can't do and you can't do but they can't brush your teeth he has a hard time with a lot of other aspects of life and I'm wondering if like one of this is like some overpowering blip of the new future you know there's overpowering just like one little thing like maybe he doesn't have the whole package He doesn't have the whole super fucking Dr. Manhattan package.

[1737] Yeah, but he's close.

[1738] That one gets with another one, then that offspring, what's that going on me?

[1739] That's definitely Wapner guy, though.

[1740] You know, that's that same thing.

[1741] You know, like the movie Rain Man, whatever that disease is that guy.

[1742] Yeah, it is the same thing.

[1743] Autism.

[1744] So maybe anyone that's special needs is the future of what we...

[1745] No, it's not special needs because a lot of that is just a mistake that, you know, in the dog -eat -dog world of nature, we would not allow to survive, you know, if we were living thousands of years ago and you had kids that were like heavily deformed they didn't live you know that's just what happened they get eaten yeah I mean so but it's like but it all is mutation you know and it's like mutation sometimes I mean the idea is that it's I mean isn't it like the idea that a lot of mutation comes from radiation comes from like just fucking shit in space and the sun supposedly there's triggers mutation and sometimes these mutations lead to evolution yeah to better survivability yeah man it could very good could very well be that what we're seeing I mean could you imagine if you were a regular person who had regular social skills and totally normal and your regular insecurities, but for whatever reason, you were capable of looking at Berlin out the window of an airplane and then just drawing it in extreme detail like into a point where people are shocked, like you've got some magic power of retention.

[1746] But that'd be amazing.

[1747] I mean, fuck man. That's a photographic memory beyond comprehension.

[1748] Yeah, but it's always someone who's fucked up.

[1749] It's almost like you only get so much horsepower.

[1750] You know, and your brain has so much horsepower.

[1751] How much do you want to dedicate to this?

[1752] How much are you going to dedicate to art?

[1753] How much are you going to dedicate to thinking?

[1754] Well, yeah, Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci.

[1755] I wonder what those dudes are like.

[1756] They were supposedly autistic, according to, you know, because they were in written history, you know.

[1757] I bet they're pimps.

[1758] Do you think that Michael Angelo and DaVinci were both autistic?

[1759] Why do you think that?

[1760] They say they were higher functioning autistic is what they would be described as during period.

[1761] But how do they know that?

[1762] They don't have any recordings of them communicating.

[1763] They have diaries.

[1764] They have letters.

[1765] They have the communications, the writings, Leonardo da Vinci's writing.

[1766] Imagine if they found your shit, and they just looked at it.

[1767] He's retarded.

[1768] He was retarded.

[1769] Ralph Humay was retarded.

[1770] They saw my notebook.

[1771] They would be fucking, he's retarded.

[1772] We saw his comedy, and we knew he was a talented performer, but we always wondered, what was it?

[1773] Oh, well, we read his writing.

[1774] We realized he was retarded.

[1775] Oh, yeah.

[1776] People just, like, judge you and shit.

[1777] Based on shit, they find hundreds of years from now.

[1778] They can't do that.

[1779] You can't tell me that Leonardo da Vinci had autism.

[1780] That's what they're going to do.

[1781] You know, we call child.

[1782] He was a genius, but there was some other guy who was a dirty guy, you know.

[1783] I mean, Chaucer's dirtiest thing was the Miller's Tale.

[1784] Who, who are you talking about?

[1785] Jeffrey Chaucer.

[1786] Who's that?

[1787] What is this?

[1788] He was the first novelist.

[1789] The first novelist ever?

[1790] Well, he didn't write the first novel.

[1791] The first novel was Beowulf, but the first novel of substance that was printed with the printing press was Jeffrey Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales.

[1792] Oh, yeah?

[1793] And one of them was called The Miller's Tale, and like, he uses the past tense of shit.

[1794] And this is in, like, the 15 ,000.

[1795] you mean like chat yeah powerful yeah yeah it was great and uh he's giving credit with the creating the word fuck how great word is that and writing it down and using it but I thought that was supposed to be for for for fornication and the consent of the king that's what it was originally for unlawful carnal knowledge one of the two there's a lot of debate about that but he used it in print like like fuck you like yeah like go fuck yourself really or let's fuck wow yeah powerful And, but there was somebody else.

[1796] I mean, you think he's the only writer in all of England and that ever wrote a dirty shit?

[1797] You know, it just never got published, you know?

[1798] Like, you know, if we just judge comedy by Seinfeld, okay, what we do, you and I would not even consider comedy.

[1799] We'd be ranting lunatics.

[1800] You know what I mean?

[1801] In comparison with jokes, set up, punch, you know, no opinion, observational comedy.

[1802] You know what I mean?

[1803] It's like, but he was the most popular.

[1804] Therefore, he's known as that time's greatest guy.

[1805] There's nothing that shows the evolution of culture more than stand -up comedy.

[1806] You know, in my opinion, it's real weird when you go back and, like, listen to, like, Lenny Bruce's stuff.

[1807] Yeah.

[1808] You know, go back and listen to, like, this is the stuff that got him arrested, you know, in, like, 1950s and 1960s.

[1809] And it's less than a potluck at the fucking comedy store.

[1810] Oh, my God.

[1811] You can get it on NBC.

[1812] You get on Mass Comic Standing with all of his shit.

[1813] Yeah, right.

[1814] Yeah, I mean, it's, like, barely offensive.

[1815] It's so strange.

[1816] But he had some good shit, though, even back then.

[1817] Yeah, he had some good perspectives on, like, the Catholic Church.

[1818] stuff like that.

[1819] How about on, he had a bunch of different things, man. How about my favorite one was he did on homosexuality being illegal?

[1820] Oh, yeah.

[1821] He goes, dig this, man. Homosexuality is illegal.

[1822] So they, if you're gay, they arrest you.

[1823] And what do they do?

[1824] They put you in jail, but a bunch of guys who want to have sex with you.

[1825] Yeah, yeah, it didn't make sense.

[1826] It doesn't make sense.

[1827] This is a joke that he did in, like, the 50s, and I saw a comic who I know it's not a joke thief, but he tried to re -say it in, like, the 90s.

[1828] And I had to say, you know, that's like a Lenny Bruce joke from like 1950 something.

[1829] And he was like, shit.

[1830] Like, of course somebody already thought that up.

[1831] Yeah, of course.

[1832] Of course.

[1833] That's what shitty about it all, you know, is that it's, that there's so many that it's come before us.

[1834] No, that's great, though.

[1835] That's great.

[1836] There's always still things to talk about.

[1837] If it wasn't for them, we would suck.

[1838] Without a doubt.

[1839] You know, the people need to slowly learn how to take a joke over the course of 50 or 60 years.

[1840] Right.

[1841] The kind of shit that you can talk or I can talk on stage now.

[1842] You couldn't do that back then.

[1843] No way, man. Thank God that they did that because they broke a lot of boundaries, man. Richard Pryor got a lot of people used to people saying pussy and motherfucker.

[1844] Yeah.

[1845] He got people used to that shit.

[1846] You know, Lenny Bruce got people used to questioning things, questioning the use of words, questioning, you know, all sorts of aspects of our culture.

[1847] They got people to take a joke.

[1848] They got people to, like, kind of lighten up and understand this.

[1849] Just relax.

[1850] Yeah.

[1851] Everybody's so worked up over now.

[1852] like the use of derogatory slang as far as names go, you know, and it's just all worked up.

[1853] Like, your outrage is a learned thing.

[1854] And if you didn't learn that the N -word was something supposed to be offensive, it would just be another two -syllable word.

[1855] And by calling it the N -word, you just emboldened that word and keep it in our vernacular.

[1856] that if you use the word like groovy or far out or you know why do these words and phrases you know leave our vernacular and become uncool groovy's still awesome it's still good i'm still down with groovy and if i'm stoned i see something i'll say far out right right but not many people say it far out man i haven't used far out yeah isn't it crazy i'm using that from now on far out's back bitches it's coming back like the fanny pack and the fanny back coming back you're bringing back I like the fanny pack.

[1857] I don't give a fuck, dude.

[1858] I rock a fanny pack every time I travel.

[1859] And people look at me, people look at me like they thought I was kidding.

[1860] I thought you were joking.

[1861] If they heard me say it and they see me. I love a fanny pack.

[1862] Backpack's a good, too, but I like a fanny pack.

[1863] That's why I had to wait.

[1864] You got your fucking wallet and all your chains, you know, your keys and your bullshit.

[1865] Just take it off.

[1866] Go through, put it back on.

[1867] It's much faster.

[1868] You're not trying to get laid, man. It's the way to go.

[1869] Right.

[1870] You know, I took care of that a long time ago.

[1871] Uh -huh.

[1872] Hollaback.

[1873] It's funny how things come and go in style At one point in time A leather fanny pack was the fucking rage Yeah, with my dad With your dad?

[1874] Did your dad have the neon green Yeah, he had the neon green one He still, I think he's still rocks one A, Merco Krokoop rocks one As do his whole team A lot of guys in MMA rock them Don't fuck around Tim Crater rocks one Man, I ain't seen anything He was gonna see those guys Dude that guy put me in a choke Did he?

[1875] Yeah, at the palms that time That we were hanging out Forrest Griffin did?

[1876] Yeah, yeah And he didn't, like, hammered out on it.

[1877] He's just enough to get, get your attention, okay, like that.

[1878] Why didn't you go?

[1879] Did you ask him to?

[1880] No, he just walked up behind me, and that was his way of saying, I love your comedy.

[1881] Really?

[1882] Yeah, yeah, not a hello, not a what's up.

[1883] I have to interview him on Friday.

[1884] I'm going to confront him with this information.

[1885] Yeah, yeah.

[1886] And he put me in a choke right there.

[1887] And I felt, I felt like, yeah, I could go out right now.

[1888] I mean, it was like that I've never been knocked out like that.

[1889] You have been choked unconscious?

[1890] No. No. It's not fun.

[1891] Yeah, yeah.

[1892] That was the first time that I had ever even come close.

[1893] You know, I don't get into shit like that, you know?

[1894] I'm funny.

[1895] You never have a chick want to, like, tie a tie around your neck while you fuck her?

[1896] Fuck, no. No, what's wrong with pussy?

[1897] Why has everybody got an augment pussy and accelerate it?

[1898] She wants you to fuck her while she's holding your tie and squeezing it tight.

[1899] No, I've never gotten it like that.

[1900] That's great.

[1901] That sounds awesome.

[1902] I had a chick asks if she could tie me up.

[1903] I was like, bitch, are you crazy?

[1904] Yeah, no. shit are you love your fucking mind right I've never allowed that much control this is many many many years ago when I had terrible judgment when all I cared about was what they're hot you know like if she was hot and I think I could get her like wow you know like when I was like 22 I was an idiot you know and this one chick that I did it was just fucking completely bananas and she wanted to she wanted to tell me out of it and she used to get mad and she would get mad she would pick up a knife I'm not bullshit I'm not bullshund she wouldn't do anything with it but she would pick up a knife and hold it in her hand when she would get mad I'm like bitch you better put the fucking weapon down because this is getting crazy right now I think that you're at a different level dude I think that you attract those type of rods okay you know what I mean like I never met a chick like that would pull a knife on you and shit like that she didn't pull the knife she was gonna use it she would just hold it yeah that's what I'm saying that that's a different level dude you know she was hot as fuck though dude then she could fuck crazy right oh this bitch yeah she was crazy she's beyond crazy That's what I'm talking about And where do they go?

[1905] They become mothers And they're fucking in mini vans I don't know I don't have no idea where this one This is one I would probably like to see Our Facebook page Find out what the fuck I don't remember her name though I remember her first name I don't remember her last time Isn't it crazy to think Of all the fucking women You've been with Like how your life intersected with their life And where are they at now There's a bunch I'd like to go back But the thing is you don't Because that's what you learned from You learn from and They learn from you And they're not who they were back then and neither are you who you were right you weren't no goddamn picnic either i was no picnic when i was 22 i was fucking crazy that was completely insane when i was 22 that's when you were like knocking people out i was still fighting yeah i was still no i was still knocking people i think everyone really getting street right is insane when they're 22 i mean every person i just thought i was dumb every single of those people are fucking insanely crazy sure a lot of people are dumb and crazy and they just they haven't got a handle on themselves yet but i was exceptionally fucked up was that because i was still fighting i was still competing i was kickboxing And I was doing Taekwondo tournaments.

[1906] And at that time, I did not know what the fuck I was doing with my life.

[1907] And it was all spent on just trying to figure out.

[1908] It was all, martial arts competition had been my whole past.

[1909] And then I was trying to figure out what the fuck I was going to do with my future.

[1910] And then I started getting into comedy.

[1911] And that's when I met this crazy bitch with the knife.

[1912] The knife.

[1913] What was it like coming up in Boston with Dennis Leary being around every corner and hearing about, you know, Bill Hicks and that stuff?

[1914] Well, I was a huge Dennis Leary fan first.

[1915] I was a huge Dennis Leary fan, man. And I came to see Dennis Leary once.

[1916] I paid to see Dom Arrera.

[1917] And Dom missed his flight.

[1918] Something happened or they rescheduled or whatever.

[1919] So, and Dennis Lear was the headliner.

[1920] I was like, oh, who's this guy?

[1921] Where's Dom Arara?

[1922] Shit.

[1923] I was like, bummed out.

[1924] But Leary went up and just lit that fucking place on fire, dude.

[1925] He destroyed.

[1926] I heard he was a beast.

[1927] And I remember thinking, whoa, like, who's this guy?

[1928] I never saw this guy before.

[1929] And I was like, I don't, I think I'd maybe gone on stage once.

[1930] I was like a total raw open micer.

[1931] I was paying to see this local show on a date.

[1932] And I remember I told all my friends, I brought a bunch of my, I brought my roommates who went to see Dennis Leary at Nick's Comedy Stop, and fucking, they were like, holy shit, this guy's killer, it's awesome.

[1933] And then it was like, maybe a month or two later, Hicks came into town.

[1934] And everybody was like, oh, you got to see this guy, like Paul Barclay, who's one of the owners of the comedy club, was a real comedy, connoisseur, really love good comedy, like, oh, this guy's got great writing.

[1935] You got to see this guy when he's in town.

[1936] So I take his advice, and I go to see him, and I see great writing, but I've heard these premises before and I've heard the bits before I've heard a couple of them and like there was like like holy shit this guy's like doing the same stuff that Leary was doing like the same premises about like Jim Fix dying of a heart attack while he's jogging there's like a few of them they were like I don't remember if that was the specific one there was a few of them they were like really the same jokes and the same bits so I ask like the local comics I go what the fuck is up and their response was Leary Steels they're like really Leary just fucking steals He's a thief.

[1937] I was like, wow.

[1938] So he's stealing from this guy?

[1939] So this guy was like this, like, really weird, introspective, really intelligent, like, guy who, like, really was looking deep in a shit and taking mushrooms and going on pey trips and trying to find himself.

[1940] And then I guess some people were just feeding off of it, you know?

[1941] I know in Houston, he let me open for him once at the laugh stop.

[1942] Hickstead?

[1943] Yeah.

[1944] Because I've been doing stand -up comedy.

[1945] What year was this?

[1946] 91.

[1947] 90 -90.

[1948] Wow.

[1949] And that's like, he died in like, 93, was it, 94?

[1950] I think 96.

[1951] Oh, I thought it was 93.

[1952] Was it 96?

[1953] I don't know.

[1954] Sam died in 92.

[1955] That made me cry this morning.

[1956] That made me cry.

[1957] When Poward Stern talks about him in such a way, I have a connection with a couple of radio guys like that, where he talks about, we'd had Sam over.

[1958] We knew he was out of control.

[1959] You know, we knew that he was fucking, you know, he was crazy, and he was out of control, and we knew he was going to die, but he was on the road, and we wanted to.

[1960] give him a home -cooked meal so we brought him home from radio and we just never could and I have a friend of mine cowhead in Tampa that's just like that and that the fact that he died at 38 and I'm at my level and my comedy and I'm 38 and it's fucking you know it fucks with your head dude you know you think about mortality I think about it more and more sense of my children and that's why you know I'm losing weight slowly and it's it's plateaus unless I exercise And if I don't feel well, I can't exercise.

[1961] You know, I hurt, physically hurt.

[1962] And then to compound that, they want to give me painkillers.

[1963] And if I take the painkillers, I don't want to move.

[1964] You know what I mean?

[1965] So it's a weird place, you know?

[1966] I've got physical ailment.

[1967] I mean, I've got physical fucking problems.

[1968] I was in a car wreck.

[1969] I broke 42 bones, 64 separate breaks.

[1970] I'm fucked up.

[1971] Whoa, wait a minute.

[1972] You were in a car accident and you have 42 bones.

[1973] Broken bones?

[1974] When was that?

[1975] When was this?

[1976] I was 16, 1988.

[1977] Holy shit, dude.

[1978] I was in the hospital for 48 days.

[1979] And then after that, I was in a wheelchair for 10 months.

[1980] Oh, my God.

[1981] Yeah, I had spina swelling.

[1982] I had, I broke my two vertebrae in my neck.

[1983] I cracked, I fractured two vertebrae in my neck to three in my back.

[1984] I broke one of the wings off my vertebrae that's right there.

[1985] So I have sciatic problems.

[1986] All right.

[1987] and that they say I have amazingly dense bones and that I was very fortunate to live through it and, you know, it just fucking changes everything and there goes, you're the fucking last couple years of being a teenager.

[1988] Then, you know, people think you're retarded and you get, for me, they thought I was retarded and then they gave me a test and found that I was actually really smart and then they put me in this beginning scholars program at the University of Arkansas and that's when I started doing comedy because my group met at a shakey's pizza on Highway 71 in Fayetteville, Arkansas.

[1989] And our study group and again of chemistry met there, and I fucking hung out.

[1990] And there was an open mic contest, and the winner got free pizza in a fucking pitcher.

[1991] And I had a joke about Van der Weitz, the dumbest person ever on television.

[1992] She doesn't even have to know how to spell the words.

[1993] They light them up before her, and she just walks over there and turns the fucking letter.

[1994] I mean, somebody could tell her how to do it.

[1995] I mean, why are you shocked when the fucking letter comes up, you know?

[1996] You don't even know how to spell it.

[1997] You're the dumbest bitch ever, okay?

[1998] And then I said that I can't, even though I love Def Leopard, I can't see them.

[1999] I can't watch them because if I watch them, you know, in concert, I feel like I'm mocking the drummer with two arms and clapping and applauding and raising both hands up, you know.

[2000] So this is when you just started out.

[2001] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2002] And this is just, you know, general premise, I had jokes within.

[2003] Right.

[2004] And I had seen it enough that I had this and I won a stand -up comedy contest and it went on from there and moved from the Shaky Speeds to the Ramada Inn out by the mall in Fayetteville while I was going to school.

[2005] And it all happened because I got, they tested me and I got into comedy, you know?

[2006] They tested you?

[2007] Yeah, they tested me. See if I was retarded.

[2008] They gave me an IQ test and they found that I was actually bright.

[2009] That's how you got into comedy?

[2010] They said you needed to go tell jokes?

[2011] No, no. It's the fact that my study group showed up there at the Shaky Spitz or where they had an elbow mic.

[2012] Did you have like a dream of being?

[2013] a comic before that or is just i did i had but i never you know i mean i lived in arkansas you know went to school in winslow arkansas okay any comics from arkansas uh there's a couple there's a couple arkansas's a crazy town huh it's a crazy place yeah it's a crazy state a state of mind a lot of nutty shit there man that was one of the weird things when when bill clinton became president they're like he was the governor of arkansas i know right traconsas kind of fucking loked out man yeah man it's it's a it's what's the biggest city little Rock.

[2014] Little Rock, yeah.

[2015] But now, actually, probably, they've consolidated them into three cities into one megalopolis.

[2016] You go down there?

[2017] Do you work?

[2018] I work there.

[2019] I do concerts in Little Rock.

[2020] I want to do one of the University of Arkansas.

[2021] I'm a big Razorback fan, and I love to do one back there because my first gig, I got to work with Sam Kennison.

[2022] I won one of those talent show contests.

[2023] Kay Hogg, the local radio station, had a talent show contest.

[2024] He was playing the ballroom in, like, 89.

[2025] You know what makes me sad about comedy?

[2026] dude when I remember Houston I remember what Houston was like when I remember when Houston was like when I first started going there When that fucking open mic man That open mic That would stop and it would start at 7 and go till 2 And never a comedian repeated Or if they did it was a sketch or something live And the audience constantly came in and out And you were walking outside and smoking weed And back in the back of the room talking shit And there was a lot of good comics there There was a lot of guys who were trying There was a lot of Experimental, amazing, smart shit.

[2027] Good ethic of the town.

[2028] It was like they didn't want hacks in there.

[2029] Right.

[2030] And they all knew that like Hicks came from there and Kinnison came from there.

[2031] That was the heritage.

[2032] Yeah, there was something there in that town.

[2033] And boy, it just got extinguished.

[2034] It just got extinguished.

[2035] You know, and I hear guys say, hey, we're working out again.

[2036] We got this going on again.

[2037] But man, there's like that you don't hear about guys coming out of Houston anymore.

[2038] No, no. And there was so much waste of there.

[2039] So much wasted talent, man. Yeah.

[2040] A lot of waste talent.

[2041] That's my favorite line.

[2042] Brian Hersey.

[2043] Do you remember Brian Hersey?

[2044] Genius.

[2045] That dude is funny as fuck, and it just kind of like stopped in comedy.

[2046] No, he's a drunk.

[2047] That quit comedy.

[2048] That ain't cool, man. It's weird.

[2049] It's like that place, like, had a flower that was growing, and then someone or another clouds grew overhead, and the flower fucking died.

[2050] It was right there, man. I think comedy was about to evolve from there.

[2051] There was one, there was going to be, there's a bunch of places.

[2052] 30, 40 comedians come out of there.

[2053] And I'm, I'm only giving you, like, maybe 10, 15 % of the actual comedy community.

[2054] I mean, there was one an open mic that had literally over a hundred comics before.

[2055] Okay, and not everybody got to go on it.

[2056] So the improv there is not doing it now?

[2057] They don't do it at that level.

[2058] And they don't, they don't foster local talent and they don't...

[2059] This improvs are too clean, man. The laugh stop was dirty.

[2060] It was dirty.

[2061] It was dirty.

[2062] It was running it.

[2063] It was just fucking chaos.

[2064] That place was chaos.

[2065] It was crazy.

[2066] It was nuttiness to the extreme.

[2067] That's what you need.

[2068] And the only way you get the real comedy to develop, especially developing comedy.

[2069] There has to be chaos.

[2070] It has to be like the comedy store.

[2071] It has to be like that place, like the last stop.

[2072] It gets stifled if it doesn't.

[2073] Like, I didn't grow as a comedian.

[2074] I mean, I grew to a certain level.

[2075] Like, I knew how to rock a room, but I had to do it cleaner.

[2076] And I had, and I was a product of my environment.

[2077] I went up a lot of times.

[2078] I mean, working the last stop was maybe six times a year, you know, as work goes.

[2079] But I would work out every weekend at this place called the Comedy Showcase.

[2080] and go freeway and Fugue and it was owned by a very smooth I think he's smoother than it's probably one of the most smooth comedians I've ever seen as far as like in an hour go in and out of subjects like it's just one conversation a guy named Danny Martinez and his club uh he taught comics like he would have uh Wednesday through Sunday and you get 10 15 minute spots and it was just a showcase club and then also I'd go and play the the big black I mean the hip hop comedy stop up in a hotel, a black room and that's where I developed all these black jokes because that was the fucking audience.

[2081] I mean, that's all I had, you know, and then I started meeting, you know, I was a product of hanging around with Mexicans and black people, and people go, where did you get this fucking accent from?

[2082] And where do you talk like that?

[2083] And it's like, well, it was funny to the fucking crowd I was trying, I was playing for it.

[2084] So anyway, what you're saying is there was a lot of different places to go up there in Houston.

[2085] So many.

[2086] Houston had a real interesting comedy dynamic.

[2087] So many.

[2088] When that laugh stop closed down, there really wasn't much there anymore.

[2089] It was before it even closed.

[2090] The second laugh stop, but the second left stop was not the same.

[2091] No, no. And before it even closed, it wasn't the same, because when Babbitt left, and then Homeboy, Pete came in.

[2092] Pete was a good guy.

[2093] Nice guy.

[2094] I liked Pete, but Pete was like, he was like a straight -up accountant sort of bookkeeping sort of a guy.

[2095] Right.

[2096] And you need shady weirdos running comedy.

[2097] clubs yeah yeah you need you need you know like like our friend in san francisco you know you need yeah you know and there's a guy in seattle that that a couple guys in seattle that in arbor michigan and i did a comedy showcase in annarbor no dude we had a good fucking time man i was there with tom sagura fucking great i had that guy's really funny man a lot of people say he's really funny i don't even know that guy man tom sagura follow him on twitter go see that guy in concert or wherever he's touring he comes at me some places he's fucking hilarious Yeah, man. He's really, really good.

[2098] He's really funny, man. It's a great guy, too.

[2099] Apparently, everybody says he's phenomenal.

[2100] He's phenomenal.

[2101] And I got a piss, so I think this is a perfect time to end this podcast.

[2102] Great.

[2103] Shazam, suckers.

[2104] Thanks, guys.

[2105] Thank you very much for tuning in.

[2106] Thank you, Fleshlight, for sponsoring it.

[2107] If you go to Joe Rogan .net, you can get 15 % off the Flashlight.

[2108] There's a code name, Rogan.

[2109] You have to type it in.

[2110] The New Year's Eve show, we still don't have a ticket link.

[2111] As soon as I have it, it will go up.

[2112] Thank you very much.

[2113] much for all the interest.

[2114] I keep getting Twitter messages about it.

[2115] So it'll be me and Joey Diaz at the Mandalay Bay Theater.

[2116] It's going to be the shit.

[2117] It's like 1 ,700 people.

[2118] It's going to be a lot of fun.

[2119] That's going to be such a great time, man. If you want no drama in Vegas, in Vegas and fucking New Year's is nothing but fucking drama.

[2120] You won't be able to leave your fucking hotel after a certain time.

[2121] They'll cut the strip down, and it's a forever fucking walk.

[2122] The smartest thing to do is have tickets.

[2123] Only people with tickets will be allowed through the fucking, uh, the barricades to get into the masses.

[2124] all right get your tickets early buy them go see a great show i had i recommend joey koko diaz is possibly the funniest person i've ever been around in my life he makes me laugh more than anybody else ever and uh i the two of you together is just a fucking dynamic show he's a real freak he's a freak there's not a whole lot of real freaks out there's a lot of people fronting pretended to be freaked walking around with your fucking different colors different colors one converse all -star that's red and one that's black purple i'm silly I go to Hot Topic.

[2125] I'm badass.

[2126] Anyway, that's it.

[2127] Thank you, Ralphie Mae.

[2128] We've got to get you on Twitter.

[2129] You have an account, don't you?

[2130] Yes, I have a couple.

[2131] Use that shit, son.

[2132] I know.

[2133] The Twitter, people are tweeting right now.

[2134] Yes, Ralphie, use it.

[2135] Yes, Ralphie.

[2136] Okay, if I can get on it.

[2137] Jesus Christ.

[2138] Thank you, everybody.

[2139] And next week, we've got Cliffie B on Wednesday, and we're going to work on getting Brian Procane, see if we can hook him up next week, too.

[2140] And if not, we've got to do it, Joey Diaz one too soon.

[2141] Another one.

[2142] In the House, bitches.

[2143] Thank you very much, Ralphie Mae, for coming on.

[2144] I appreciate it, my brother.

[2145] Always good to see you.

[2146] Thank you, sir.

[2147] Red band.

[2148] Go to Red Band at Twitter, R -E -D -B -A -N.

[2149] He needs more followers.

[2150] He's very, very insecure about his Twitter account.

[2151] Yes.

[2152] Makes him sad.

[2153] Some chick from fucking Burbank, please date him, Black Girl.

[2154] Yes.

[2155] Sam.

[2156] Yes.

[2157] That's the next level.

[2158] Do you like me?

[2159] Yes.

[2160] Black chicks.

[2161] That next level shit.

[2162] Thank you, everybody.

[2163] See you next week.

[2164] Love you, Bidges.

[2165] See ya.

[2166] Dominican.