You’re Not the Boss of Me! How to End An Argument.

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[22] Do you have a child that not only loves to argue but is also just very good at it?

[23] Who won't back down?

[24] Who's persistent?

[25] who makes a lot of logical sense even, right?

[26] Have you ever been kind of at a stalemate over a certain issue and you don't know what to do next?

[27] Well, that's what we're going to discuss today on the Calm Parenting podcast.

[28] So welcome.

[29] This is Kirk Martin, founder Celebrate Calm.

[30] I'm glad you're here.

[31] You can find us at CelebrateCalm .com.

[32] We're also on Facebook, on Instagram even.

[33] We're starting to get into the 21st century.

[34] And I encourage you, share this podcast with others.

[35] We appreciate it.

[36] If you need help, reach out to our strong -willed son, Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[37] And you're going to talk to the person who this podcast is really about because he was just like your kids.

[38] And so I get an email this week, which was very different because usually emails are, hey, could you address this on the podcast?

[39] This one was a little different.

[40] The parents wrote in and said, listen, we listened to the Defiance and Disrespect CDs because we had a very disrespectful child and there's all kinds of defiance and we had thought all along that we just had a child with opposition defiant disorder, right?

[41] And I hate that diagnosis because I guarantee you, almost none of your kids actually have a disorder related to that.

[42] They're just very bright.

[43] very frustrated kids, often very hurt kids, and out of that frustration and that hurt and that anger calms, defiance and disrespect.

[44] So if you get to the root of it, you can deal with it.

[45] And so they had discovered there was a strategy I'm going to talk about on this podcast and they said, we've never heard that before.

[46] We hadn't even considered it.

[47] So share it with other people because it has changed our relationship with our child that we have argued with and struggled with for the first 11 years of his life.

[48] So could you share that with other people because they hadn't heard me do a podcast on it, even though I think we probably have, we touched on it.

[49] So I wanted to honor these parents, one, because they changed and that takes a lot of courage to change.

[50] And two, I think it's going to help you.

[51] So let's set the scene.

[52] Our strong -willed son, Casey, was, I think it was about 12 or 13 at the time.

[53] It doesn't matter, right?

[54] It could be like if they're four, if they're six, if they're eight.

[55] Now, four, not going to relate as much on this one.

[56] But the tone of it and how you deal with it is the same, whether the child is the little kid or an older kid.

[57] So he's teenager, and it was a very emotional discussion because Casey wanted to do something with some friends, and we had said no. And so we're having this discussion because what I wanted to teach Casey, especially as he got older, was how to do.

[58] disagree respectfully with us.

[59] It is very, very important for your kids to learn how to disagree respectfully, and you have to teach them that.

[60] Because if kids, look, if you just do like my dad did, my dad was fear and intimidation, yell and scream, just shut everything down and you were afraid to bring anything up.

[61] So guess what happens?

[62] That raises kids who are outwardly compliant, but inwardly or not, and they never learn how to voice their opinion.

[63] opinions and that hurts when you get to peer pressure because the studies show kids who learn how to say no who learn how to disagree and even argue respectfully learn how to do when they learn how to do that they're better at saying no to peer pressure and I guarantee you if you have a daughter you better teach her how to do this so she doesn't grow up and marry a controlling man because that happens to a lot of people.

[64] So Casey's making his arguments very clearly, very compelling arguments.

[65] He had written them down on a yellow legal pad because he knew that's kind of a, it was always a thing for me. I always had this association with people who make written lists, written goals on a yellow legal pad tend to be successful.

[66] So he comes down one day and he says, Dad, I need to talk to you about this issue because I know you said no, but I've really thought about it.

[67] And so, I wanted to share some thoughts with you.

[68] Now, that was partly him being mature and it was partly manipulation.

[69] He knew that I loved the yellow legal pad and he knew the language from me because we had started celebrate calm by then.

[70] He had listened to all the CDs himself because he had actually helped me write them and been there when I recorded them.

[71] So he was using some of my calm approach against me in a sense because he's smart, right?

[72] You have to recognize that.

[73] well I was also making my points as well and mine of course we're brilliant because I'm the dad right and so we're having this discussion and we're at a stalemate and this was an emotional thing to him look when your kids are teenagers don't dismiss stuff oh it's no big deal you can go another time when you're a teenager everything is in the moment and doing things with your friends is like the biggest thing in the world so I don't want to to dismiss it I wanted to acknowledge Casey, I understand this is important to you and you really want to go and so here's what else he was saying Dad, I've proven to you that you can trust me, right?

[74] He was pulling out everything because by that time he was doing pretty well.

[75] So, his points were legitimate.

[76] So we're at a stalemate now.

[77] We've got a couple ways this can go.

[78] Now, the preferred way that most of us do, right, is this.

[79] We go to write, I'm the authority figure.

[80] I'm the boss of the home.

[81] So I get to make the decision not happening.

[82] I don't have a problem with that at all.

[83] You are the authority figure, right?

[84] But what I don't like is the attitude behind it, right?

[85] Like that whole thing, what do we sometimes say like, well, I'm the boss of you, right?

[86] And look, in our home, what I finally figured out with Casey and what I want to do with kids is to say, I don't want to be the boss of you.

[87] I want you to be the boss of you.

[88] And that is a really cool, because I had kids, these camp kids, we had 1 ,500 kids coming to their home and almost every one of them.

[89] You're not the boss of me because I wasn't their parent.

[90] I was like, I don't want to be the boss of you.

[91] I don't want to be the boss of anyone but myself.

[92] I have a hard enough time controlling myself.

[93] I don't want to be put in charge of you.

[94] Here's what I want.

[95] you to do to my own son and all these other kids is I want you to learn how to be the boss of you and so Casey internalized this this principle and really started to use it and he has now taught a couple hundred thousand kids across the country through his school assemblies he's got a CD called straight talk for kids which we have thousands of kids every night before bed listening to Casey talk about his childhood and how he struggled and one of the key messages he teaches kids is if you learn how to control yourself, your parents won't have to control you.

[96] If when your kids parents tell you to get off video games instead of saying, hold on, we need to save it, we need to get next level, hold on, ha, ha, ha, ha, and creating all that drama, right?

[97] Instead of doing that, you just get off your video game or you come home on time with your curfew, your parents will begin to trust you.

[98] The other attitude we take is, well, I just need to show you who's boss.

[99] Now look, if you like that approach.

[100] I hope that tomorrow, when you go into work, your boss just says, listen, I need to show you who's boss around here.

[101] So you just sit in your cubicle.

[102] You do the work that I told you, right?

[103] I don't want to hear your opinion.

[104] I don't want to hear anything from you.

[105] Just do what I told you to do.

[106] Right?

[107] You're going to be like, okay, good, because you're the authority figure.

[108] I'm glad you're showing me who's boss.

[109] That's not going to be your response, right?

[110] So it doesn't speak to strength there, that actually speaks to a little bit of weakness.

[111] So we're at the stalemate.

[112] I didn't want to pull out that card.

[113] I have the right to.

[114] At the end of the day, I'm the authority figure, and I can just say no, and it's done.

[115] And I've been through that and plenty of podcasts how to do that.

[116] So I said to Casey, Casey, this isn't about me winning the argument.

[117] It's not about me proving that I'm the boss.

[118] I don't need to prove that.

[119] Pretty secure in who I am.

[120] secure in my position here.

[121] You've laid out some really good arguments.

[122] They make sense.

[123] I can't even counter all of them because they're so well thought out.

[124] And I love that you're such a good thinker.

[125] I have one question for you that I want you to think about.

[126] And I don't need a reaction right now.

[127] I don't want your response right now.

[128] I just want you to think about this question because I'm just going to give you the question and I'm going to walk away and give us a little bit a time apart.

[129] And the question was this, Casey, do you trust me?

[130] Do you trust me, son?

[131] Do you trust me that I have your best interests at heart?

[132] Do you trust me that I love you more than anything else in this world?

[133] That I love you more than myself, right?

[134] Do you trust me knowing that I'm willing to have you be mad at me and not like me for several days or maybe even several weeks.

[135] I'm willing to have you not like me to be angry at me because what I'm really doing here is putting your best interests at heart even if you don't realize it.

[136] So my question is not whether you agree with me, not whether I made a better point and I won the argument.

[137] but do you trust me and I walked away and it was a really emotional moment and I don't know where that came from but it came from somewhere and so he came back to me later and he said dad I don't agree with you I think I'm right but the true and I am a little bit angry at you and I'm not sure I even want to talk to you right now because this kind of hurts a little bit and this always makes me choke up but dad I do trust you because I've watched you change right in front of me and in the old days you would have shut me down and you wouldn't have even listened to me and you would have gotten angry but I've watched you change and I do trust you and there was something that happened in that moment that built this deeper level of trust between us and you've heard me say before that the best discipline always leads to a more trusting relationship between you and your child, that the way to change behavior is through relationships.

[138] It's not through having the best argument or the best strategy.

[139] It's through relationships.

[140] And there's this trust and watch.

[141] This is really important.

[142] Trust works both ways.

[143] I have so many parents who come to us say, well, we can't trust our 14 -year -old son.

[144] I'm like, let me guess.

[145] He makes up stories about everything.

[146] right there's always an excuse there's always a story and you can't trust him because he lies about things and they're like yeah how did you know i'm like because that's what our kids do most of them feel shame and they end up lying and they make up stories and you can't trust them but i also like to point this out it works both ways because i guarantee your child probably can't trust you because every time that they came to you and did tell you something they did wrong or every time they were struggling How many times have we as parents responded with, you know, what were you thinking?

[147] How many times do I have to tell you?

[148] You know, and we get frustrated and we overreact and you know what happens?

[149] Our kids learn they can't trust us because when they come and tell us something, we tend to shame them and overreact, and it breaks the trust.

[150] And I want you to think about this.

[151] Think about a couple situations.

[152] Many of you have kids who struggle with anxiety and new things, new experiences freak them out because of all the unknowns.

[153] And so you tell them simple things like, hey, put your shoes on, we need to go to Taekwondo class.

[154] And before you know it, they're screaming, I hate Taekwondo.

[155] Taiquendo's stupid.

[156] You're stupid.

[157] And then they'll pull out this one.

[158] You can't make me. Now they're challenging your authority.

[159] And what do we almost always go to right away?

[160] You know what?

[161] Paid $145 to that class.

[162] You're a little but better get in the car.

[163] I'm not.

[164] the authority figure.

[165] You're not going to challenge my authority.

[166] Get, and then they're going to start crying.

[167] And then we're going to go, you know what, get your little butt in the car.

[168] And what's the message behind it?

[169] I'm the boss.

[170] You're going to do what I say.

[171] Now, hear it in another context, I like being the boss of the home, right?

[172] We're the authority figure.

[173] There's safety in that.

[174] But in this situation, watch what's happening.

[175] We miss it.

[176] We miss the fact that your child, struggles with anxiety and he doesn't know what's even going on inside of him right and here's what is going inside of him i don't want to go to that new place mom you're really good socially but i struggle i don't connect well with kids my own age and you're asking me to go to this new place where the adult might get frustrated with me because i know i've got a lot of energy all i've know my whole life is since preschool adults have struggled with me and looked at me funny and I don't get along well with other kids.

[177] I feel odd, and it feels different, and you're good socially, and my brother and sister have all these friends, and they get invited to birthday parties and sleepovers, and I don't.

[178] And now I've got to go to another new place, and it might be all loud in there and chaotic, and there's going to be all these new kids that I don't know, and they're not going to be asking me to play with them.

[179] I'm going to feel awkward and weird.

[180] Do you know what it feels like to go to school and to go in the cafeteria and not have one other child call you over to come sit next to them.

[181] Do you know how much pain there is in that?

[182] And so underneath their outward defiance of like, I'm not going, is a lot of pain and fear of like you at, look, and if they could tell you, they would say, mom, dad, I don't want to go.

[183] Do you know what it feels like to be rejected all the time?

[184] do you know what it feels like to go to school every day and be on red on the behavior chart and not have those friends no i don't want to go and how do we usually respond you're going to get your butt in the car you know what i used to tell Casey you know why do you have to make everything so difficult oh because look i'm a grown adult and i can't handle the fact that something's going on with my son so i revert right away to your going and i just ruin the trust because your son, I guarantee your child at the time isn't thinking, you know, I think I'm just going to be disrespectful because I like losing everything I own and I love getting yelled at by the authority figures in my life.

[185] That's not what was going through their head.

[186] What is going through their head is, I don't know why I'm so upset.

[187] I don't know why I'm doing this and losing everything.

[188] All I know is I don't want to go.

[189] And see, if we had the trust built, they could come to us, especially as they get older and say, mom, dad, I'm just really nervous.

[190] I don't like new things that scares me. But even then we'd be like, oh, there's no need to be upset.

[191] There's no need to be scared.

[192] You're going to be just fine.

[193] Right?

[194] And that's what millions of men do every single day in this country with their wives.

[195] No need to be upset, honey.

[196] You're just overreacting.

[197] And then you wonder why your wife won't sleep with you anymore because you just dismissed her emotions, right?

[198] I'm not being flippant with that.

[199] That is real life.

[200] That's what happens every day, right?

[201] Now fast, but if we had built the trust there and they told us we could say, oh man, that makes total sense that you wouldn't want to go.

[202] Of course, of course that makes total sense.

[203] But then we could give them a tool, right?

[204] And we teach that of like, hey, go there a few days early and say, hey, Mr. Taekwondo, could you give my son a job to do?

[205] Because he loves helping those.

[206] people.

[207] And when my son's kind of freaking out and say, hey, listen, remember, dude said he needed your help because you're really good at doing X and your kids will do, your kids will go to school.

[208] They'll go someplace if the adult there has asked them do a special job to help them out.

[209] Because the Taekwondo guy's like, hey, I could really use your help.

[210] Because I've heard you're really good at X, Y, Z. Could you get here a few minutes early every week and you can help me set up the cones and rearrange the mats?

[211] And when your child's, next time you tell them, hey, we've got to go to Taekwondo.

[212] What triggers in their brain is, Mom, Dad, remember that Taekwondo guy said he needed my help we need to leave five minutes early right because that's what right but they're usually like we got to leave like 45 minutes early or three hours early to get there and so then you turn it into a bonding opportunity one more you know you've got kids who um are getting into high school and they won't uh they'll either won't sign up for their SAT or ACT test or they won't fill out their college application and what do we what do we go to up right you know uh guess what not motivated been this away their whole lives right if they just rely themselves they would have been able to do this can't believe that you would do that and what they're afraid to tell you is mom dad i you know why i'm not signing up because i'm afraid i'm not ready for college either emotionally or socially or you know what it is sometimes mom you guys are you're a doctor you're a lawyer you're so successful and i've always kind of felt like a failure and i feel like i won't live up to your expectations how am I going to do that so they don't fill it out and those are lost times right those are lost opportunities for us to build trust with our kids so that we can connect with them and we can help them with their emotional issues so when they're melting down or at their worst we can handle it that's a beautiful thing and that's what I wanted you to get to and so I encourage you work on that this week work on building the trust I encourage you.

[213] It is holiday season.

[214] We have specials Christmas holiday specials on everything on the complete package.

[215] Get everything package.

[216] We have an amazing special on that.

[217] Look, I know I mention it, but it's because it changes lives.

[218] I'm doing this podcast because someone listened to just one of the 10 CDs in there and it changed their relationship with their child.

[219] If that's not worth a thousand dollars, and I'm not even asking for that, if that's not worth that, I don't know what is.

[220] This will change, right?

[221] And there are dozens and dozens of strategies on each of the CDs, on motivating kids, on disciplining, on stopping the device, disrespect, on understanding your kids, on changing yourself.

[222] If you need help with that, we have a no BS program.

[223] Just go to celebrate calm .com.

[224] You will find the special sales.

[225] But if you need help, email Casey, C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[226] Tell us about your family, ages of the kids, what you're struggling in with.

[227] and we will give you a recommendation and we will get you the resources you need in order to change your relationship and your family because this works.

[228] So reach out to us, share this with others.

[229] We love you.

[230] Talk to you soon.

[231] Bye -bye.