Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend XX
[0] Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, wear new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens.
[1] I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[2] I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[3] Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conan O 'Brien.
[4] Way too long.
[5] It is fantastic to be back here.
[6] We are recording live tonight at the The Beacon Theater.
[7] This is absolutely incredible.
[8] I have so many memories of the Beacon Theater.
[9] I did my 10th anniversary show for the late -night program in the Beacon Theater.
[10] And this blew my mind today.
[11] I remembered that on that day, my wife was pregnant with my first child.
[12] When we recorded that show, this is a mindblower.
[13] It's my daughter.
[14] She is now 47 years old.
[15] She's an admiral in the Navy.
[16] She fired on Italy like an hour ago for no reason.
[17] She's a terrible admiral, but it's incredible.
[18] Incredible what happens.
[19] I can't believe that I've taken this journey here today.
[20] I also can't believe I noticed this just before the show.
[21] I threw on this jacket, and then I'm looking in a mirror just before I go on, and I realize that I put on a denim jacket with jeans.
[22] Let me promise you something.
[23] That was not intentional.
[24] I was going to wear a different jacket, a black one.
[25] So there's, you know, just sort of a little bit of a clash, you know?
[26] And I put this on, and I looked in the mirror literally as Jimmy was playing, and I said, Conan, you look like a soybean farmer who did pretty well in Bitcoin.
[27] Doesn't that what it...
[28] I love, I love being back in New York.
[29] There's an energy here that you cannot get in Los Angeles.
[30] Angeles.
[31] You're going to prove it tonight.
[32] But one of the things that's so amazing about being here, this is a true story.
[33] This happened to me yesterday.
[34] I was in Midtown and I was walking along and there was a gentleman who was, I want to say, almost two -thirds of a block away from me, quite a distance.
[35] And he's looking at me and I'm walking and he goes, no joke.
[36] This is true.
[37] Celebrity!
[38] Celebrity!
[39] Celebrity!
[40] And he's where I'm going.
[41] I'm going to my hotel.
[42] and he's like right near my hotel and I'm getting closer and closer didn't change his pitch as I got closer.
[43] Celebrity!
[44] Celebrity!
[45] Celebrity!
[46] And I got really close and I said, Conan.
[47] And he went, Conan.
[48] And I went, yeah.
[49] And I start to walk into the hotel and he yells to his friend, Celebrity!
[50] My name meant nothing to him.
[51] He didn't care.
[52] He's telling people, I saw Jane Lynch.
[53] She is tall.
[54] and beautiful.
[55] Quick shout out.
[56] I was walking the streets of New York.
[57] I believe it was yesterday.
[58] Or maybe it was even today.
[59] I don't remember.
[60] I've been doing a lot of crazy stuff.
[61] Taking all kinds of pills.
[62] And this young woman came up to me and she was so nice and she said, I'm going to see you at your show tonight.
[63] She said, my name's Devin.
[64] I said, oh, I'll see you there.
[65] And she said, I have nosebleed seats.
[66] Devin, are you here?
[67] No. You.
[68] You.
[69] You, assholes.
[70] I'm sorry.
[71] I know that's rough language, but yeah, me. I'm Devin.
[72] The real Devin.
[73] Come on.
[74] Are you there somewhere?
[75] Okay, screw it.
[76] Forget it.
[77] She's back there, but too many people are like, I'm going to get a car.
[78] Conan's going to do that Oprah thing where I get a car.
[79] So I'm just going to say I'm Devin and he's got to prove I'm not Devin Which is no one's getting a car tonight You're not getting a car But you are going to get an incredible show We're going to have an amazing program tonight Really good time And as you know I am not the only part of Conan O 'Brien needs a friend Oh Oh I know I should be I read the mail Okay.
[80] We've tried to move them out and they won't go.
[81] No, I kid, I kid, to quote the Great Triumph, I kid, they are two wonderful people and they make this thing hum and they also humanize me which is not easy to do.
[82] Let's get them out here right now, my good friends, my assistant who does nothing, Sonam Obsessian, and Matt Garley!
[83] You know what?
[84] I forgot and it only just remembered it right now that Sona, you always mopped out, and you hug me and you went, it's a lot of people.
[85] And I forgot.
[86] You're not really in show business.
[87] No, I'm not.
[88] No, I don't know why I'm here.
[89] You've never done this before the podcast.
[90] No, this is not, this was not my goal.
[91] What the hell was your goal, by the way?
[92] You know what?
[93] It was not having a goal was my goal, and I think I crushed it.
[94] Yeah.
[95] Yes.
[96] I can't believe you wrote a book that was on the New York Times bestseller list pretty much detailing how you did no work for me and screwed me over for many years.
[97] Yes.
[98] And people are reading it like a how -to manual.
[99] And then they wonder, why is the economy in the shitter right now?
[100] It's because the most popular book in America right now is Sonam Obsessians, get high at work, watch porn if you can, and make a fool out of your boss.
[101] And you know what?
[102] In my defense, you wrote the foreword.
[103] So, who's the fool here, right, Dave?
[104] I suppose I'm the fool here.
[105] Mr. Gourley, how are you?
[106] I'm well.
[107] I'm good.
[108] Matt, you've said that people who just listen to the podcast when they finally see what you look like if they look at one of the clips online, they're surprised they expect you to look differently.
[109] Why is that, do you think?
[110] Well, I think because you painted me as a buffoon, a fool, a penny -farthing, riding 20 -year -old.
[111] When in fact, I am just as solid dad.
[112] Yeah.
[113] Yeah.
[114] And I mean like a 10 on the dad level, but dad level itself is at a two.
[115] Yeah, yeah.
[116] And how are you doing these days?
[117] You've got a newborn.
[118] Sona, you've got newborns.
[119] Both of you have been living under this incredible stress.
[120] We're not newborns anymore.
[121] They're like...
[122] Toddlers.
[123] Yeah, yeah.
[124] They're like toddles.
[125] I think anyone under 40 is a newborn.
[126] Oh, wait, so I am young.
[127] That is my perspective.
[128] I was walking down the street today, I think it was on Madison Avenue, and there was one of those really fancy shops where someone stands out and they hand you.
[129] Have you ever had this happen to you?
[130] They hand you like a little free sample of a cream you can put on your face.
[131] And what they do is they then try and say, come on into the fancy store.
[132] Friend, you got scammed.
[133] Yeah, that never happened.
[134] I don't know what you're talking about.
[135] A cream store.
[136] I woke up, I had no clothing.
[137] Yeah.
[138] I was wearing a World War I German helmet.
[139] And when you left, they only gave you denim.
[140] Yeah.
[141] All right.
[142] Shut up.
[143] No, I didn't ask for anything.
[144] I was walking along, as I keep telling them, I get assaulted by people on the street.
[145] That's what happens in New York.
[146] It's so fascinating.
[147] And I was walking along.
[148] And this woman said, she said, oh, here, I think she was from Spain.
[149] And she said, oh, please, take this free sample of a cream you can put.
[150] It's a very fancy place, like on Madison or fifth, whatever.
[151] And I said, oh, thanks a lot.
[152] And I started to go.
[153] And she goes, no, no, oh, oh, oh, you'd look so good with this one cream.
[154] Hold on.
[155] So she starts to put this cream on my face.
[156] Yes, she starts to put a cream on my face.
[157] Because I'm a go -along to get -along guy.
[158] Oh, God.
[159] But then she starts to go like this.
[160] She's very young, and she goes, you probably want a lot of help under your eyes, right?
[161] What?
[162] And I said, I don't know.
[163] What do you think?
[164] She's like, yes.
[165] Oh, and the sides of your face, hmm.
[166] I'm like, I didn't ask for any of this.
[167] No, and I know.
[168] I'm 10 minutes past celebrity guy, you know?
[169] I'm just being ridiculed and humiliated.
[170] That's not fair, and that's coming from me who likes to see you taken down a notch or two.
[171] I just don't think you should put random cream on your face that someone in the, like, what if it's jizz?
[172] Excuse me. Sona, what is jizz?
[173] Can you explain to the audience?
[174] Well, jizz is semen.
[175] What if someone jizzed in a bottle and then was like, let's put this on your face?
[176] And you're like, oh, thank you.
[177] Thank you for this delightful Spanish cream.
[178] Yeah.
[179] Conan, do you have jizz on your face right now?
[180] You're wearing all denim and you have jizz on your face.
[181] You've been in some kind of Canadian porno movie.
[182] Welcome to New York!
[183] I've worked so hard for an entire career to build up to be able to come and play a prestigious room like the Beacon Theater.
[184] It's a shrine to comedy and music in New York City.
[185] And you do that, Sona.
[186] And you do it always goes back to Jay.
[187] With joy.
[188] Yeah, all roads lead back to jizz.
[189] I'm sorry.
[190] I always do that.
[191] I shouldn't.
[192] I apologize.
[193] Yeah, sure.
[194] You look all broken up about it.
[195] Oh, I'm sorry.
[196] Well, are you having a good time where you?
[197] You brought the kids, didn't you?
[198] I did, yeah.
[199] I was on a plane for five hours with two almost year and a half -year -old boys.
[200] And you dressed your kids up as the dumb and dumber team.
[201] We did.
[202] For Halloween, they were dumb and dumber.
[203] Yeah.
[204] And then my friend came as the bird whose head was cut off.
[205] Lovely.
[206] That's a lovely memory for them.
[207] It is.
[208] Yeah.
[209] And you, Gourley, did you go out trick -or -treating?
[210] Yeah, we took Glenn out to see Michael Myers, like you would take your kid to see Santa Claus at Christmas.
[211] What's wrong with you?
[212] That's a terrible thing to do.
[213] Well, when you hear that my daughter did scream, you're right.
[214] Yeah.
[215] So you took her and put her on the lap of a mass murder.
[216] Well, not on the lap, but the Michael Myers house is in South Pasadena, so we took her there to get a photo.
[217] And in the photo, he is, you know, threatening her with a knife, and we immediately removed her from the situation.
[218] But in that area, there are Michael Myers is everywhere.
[219] And so you can't walk three feet without being stalked.
[220] We shouldn't have taken her.
[221] Well, guess what?
[222] No, you were right.
[223] You're a great dad.
[224] Number 10.
[225] Number 10.
[226] And your go -to improv word is jizz.
[227] So we're hitting it out of the part.
[228] here tonight.
[229] We got your back, buddy.
[230] We got your back.
[231] I think it's time that we get this show on the road.
[232] Yes.
[233] We've had a lovely time talking.
[234] And before we do that, I want to mention something very important, okay?
[235] You may or may not know this, but I have a new Sirius XM radio channel.
[236] Team Coco Radio Channel 106.
[237] You're probably thinking, what's that going to be?
[238] Well, you will always continue to enjoy the podcast where you get your podcast now, but it'll be some of the best of the podcast, plus lots of other stuff from over the years and music, and I've been doing a lot of recording for it, and I'm having a blast.
[239] Really having a good time.
[240] Now, here's what I tell you.
[241] If you don't have serious now, we premiere on the 15th, November 15th.
[242] If you don't have serious now, go rent a car on the 15th.
[243] And you don't have serious now, go rent a car.
[244] On the 15th.
[245] and just drive and drive and drive until this voice makes you want to end it all.
[246] And this show tonight is, if you want to hear it again, is premiering exclusively on the Team Coco Radio channel.
[247] So all of you here will be able to hear this when our channel premieres on Tuesday, 1115.
[248] And I think it's going to be, I think that channel's going to be a blast.
[249] This is the debut show.
[250] This is the debut show that's, going to be on that channel.
[251] So here's what you can do.
[252] When you rent that car and you're driving around, bring a friend.
[253] And when you hear the cheering on Channel 106, you can yell at your friend, I'm one of those people cheering.
[254] I was a Devon!
[255] I was a Devon!
[256] I was one of 15 Devons that lied to cheat a young woman out of a nice connection with Conan O 'Brien.
[257] Brutal.
[258] All right, I think we should begin this program, and I am absolutely delighted to introduce our secret guest today.
[259] I am a huge admirer of this individual, and this, I am being so generic in my introduction.
[260] They are very cool.
[261] This humanoid presence brings me much joy, and I'm delighted that this, you know, Matter shall be here, this composition of atoms.
[262] So let's bring down the lights and find out who our guest is.
[263] Hi.
[264] My name is Stephen Colbert, and I feel put upon about being Conan O 'Brien's friend.
[265] Wow, that was very, very nice.
[266] That was pleasant.
[267] I will say this.
[268] We have had a few surprise guests, and your reaction that you just got right now blew all of that out of the water.
[269] I pity any other surprise guest.
[270] Then it's all worth it.
[271] It's all worth it.
[272] I'm so happy to be here.
[273] It's so lovely to see you guys.
[274] I mean, I've done the podcast before, but I've never seen you.
[275] You don't look anything like I imagine.
[276] Well, I don't want to throw you under the bus, but I was there that time we did.
[277] Word.
[278] But remember, and you gave him.
[279] I don't want to throw you under the bus, but I still don't remember.
[280] Remember, Matt, you gave him your grandfather's watch.
[281] I did.
[282] And you said, you mean so much to me. And Stephen said, I'll never forget it.
[283] I was rubbing your feet the entire interview.
[284] I thought that was Conan.
[285] And it's lovely to meet you, too.
[286] Thank you for having me here.
[287] I think you look fantastic in that outfit.
[288] Yes.
[289] You look amazing in that outfit.
[290] I made a mistake and decided to own it.
[291] You were the first one.
[292] I saw you looking me up and down.
[293] I did.
[294] And I thought...
[295] I said something almost immediately.
[296] Yes.
[297] And then you told me a very funny story The second time I ever went on a date with my wife I was living in Chicago She was living in New York Evie, I don't know if you've ever seen Evie on the show I would go down to She was living down in Chelsea So I show up And you know, I'm wearing jeans and a jean jacket And she looks at me And I don't know if you've got a camera shot of us Yeah, we can see your face, yeah Okay, so she goes like this And she swear to God this was unconscious She goes, is that what you're wearing?
[298] and that's what I did I burst out laughing she's like what are you laughing about I said you have no idea we just did with your head then I know what your mother is like yes but it's a very she told you she told you like it's like Magneto no we have really good communication and the thing is I'm so afraid never I can't imagine there's so much you read in your wife's face and each other's face I'm sure she reads it in mine too like there's this unspoken kind of dialogue and vocabulary you established with other people's faces.
[299] And if she ever got Botox, I would actually have to ask her what she was thinking.
[300] She can communicate everything to you, yes.
[301] My wife, the perpetual expression she has is, you're doing your best.
[302] She's got these very large eyes, and you've hung out.
[303] We've hung out together as a couple, and my wife is always, her look is perpetually, he's giving it all he's got.
[304] Oh, that's so sweet.
[305] Look at him.
[306] Yeah.
[307] You know, I do want to say, I was thrilled that you were able to do this, and I say this.
[308] I know very well how much work it is to do a show night in and night out.
[309] That's why I feel put upon to be your friend tonight.
[310] Because here's the thing.
[311] I really want to be here.
[312] You've thanked me many times to be here already backstage.
[313] I'm like, no, I really want to be here.
[314] This is super fun because you're Conan O 'Brien.
[315] Who's not going to show up for Conan O 'Brien?
[316] Plus, I'm lucky enough to have become your friend.
[317] I would say we're actually friends now.
[318] We do hang, and we have similar nerdy interests.
[319] We do.
[320] And to the point where other people just start to back away, because we start trading the names of like Civil War generals and everyone's like, this is not good.
[321] No, we speak in that, like, that twin language, that twin language that scientists can't break down.
[322] But at the same time, come on.
[323] I literally came from the insolvent.
[324] this theater you know what it's like to do a show every night i am fucking exhausted yes how dare you ask me to be on your show but then you reminded me that when i did a tour i think in 2010 yes i was i was out there yeah you and and john stewart were both nice enough to do like a crazy walk on on that tour and i went to say hi to you i think before the show upstairs yeah and you reminded me this i forgot i had been touring and sona you were on that too you remembered i burned about 35 ,000 calories on every show.
[325] I was doing everything I could think of and I couldn't sleep and I became crazily like I lost weight.
[326] My pants were falling off all the time intentionally.
[327] And and then you said that I came into the room to say hi to you guys and what did I do?
[328] You immediately lay down on the floor.
[329] You came in and said, hey, Conner, we went to hug you and just went, you came in the door like this.
[330] You went, hey, hi.
[331] Oh.
[332] And I have a photo of you like this on my dressing room floor.
[333] I said, how's the tour going?
[334] It's going great.
[335] It's going great.
[336] Thanks for being here.
[337] Yeah.
[338] It was an invitation to sex.
[339] That's what that was.
[340] Then I apologize.
[341] Yes.
[342] It was the Botox.
[343] I couldn't read.
[344] I couldn't read the invitation.
[345] Oh, I've had so much work done.
[346] You do look fantastic, by the way.
[347] Oh, thank you.
[348] You know what I have always wanted to do?
[349] I've always wanted to do this.
[350] and I'm outing it now, so it's a bit I can never do.
[351] But there are people in our world who get work done.
[352] They get real work done.
[353] And then you see them later on, and you know, but you're not supposed to say anything.
[354] Do you know what I mean?
[355] And I always thought it would be great if I was gone for a couple of weeks, when I had a really good special effects person, tape me back, so it looked like I had some kind of radical work done.
[356] And then just have a camera running and see who, Because a lot of people, a lot of people would be like, Conan, hey, no, everything's fine.
[357] And I'd be like, let's go to Tio.
[358] No, I was just in Toronto for like four weeks.
[359] Because I was thinking of buying a farm, but I didn't buy the farm, but I just hung out there for a while.
[360] And I kind of, I just have always thought that would be fascinating experiment to say who would say anything.
[361] I feel like you would say something.
[362] I think Robert Smigel would say something.
[363] Yes.
[364] Conan the insult comic.
[365] Yeah, Robert Smigel would do it as triumphed.
[366] What the fuck?
[367] He'd get the puppet right up into my face.
[368] I feel like a snack.
[369] Did they leave any skin over?
[370] I kid, I kid.
[371] I kid.
[372] I kid.
[373] I could play her face like I drum.
[374] How often do you do this live thing?
[375] We haven't done that many of them.
[376] And this is our first one that we've done in New York City.
[377] We've done a few.
[378] At the Wiltern Theater in Los Angeles, which is a lovely theater, but this was the first time that we've played a house this large, this important venue in New York.
[379] So this is a big first.
[380] Aren't you, you are, are you afraid at all by doing, you know, your lovely, intimate podcast, which I really admire.
[381] But one of the things I like about it is I feel like, oh, I'm the fourth person in the room or whatever.
[382] I'm, you know, I'm the fly on the wall and we're just hanging out.
[383] It's a Friday and we're having lunch or whatever.
[384] And when I listen to one of those podcasts and then I hear an audience there, I go, who are those fucking people?
[385] I thought I was your friend.
[386] Yeah.
[387] Are you like, did you ask someone into the relationship?
[388] Is it not spicy enough for you anymore?
[389] That's pretty much what happened.
[390] Why can't it just be else?
[391] I very much enjoy these two, and I enjoy you, Stephen, but I was feeling at this stage in my life to spice things up, I needed to bring 3 ,500 other people into the bedroom.
[392] Just because...
[393] Apropos of nothing, okay?
[394] Apropos of nothing, other than that.
[395] We were just talking about this.
[396] Have you ever had been in bed with more than one lover, Conan?
[397] Have I ever been?
[398] Have you ever been in bed with more than one lover at a time?
[399] What do you think, Stephen?
[400] And let me say something that's probably pretty close to true.
[401] I don't think my wife's seen me completely naked.
[402] And we've been married for 20 years.
[403] I am a very shy debutante.
[404] I use like a variety of fans in certain...
[405] I mean, I...
[406] I'm just saying there's enough real estate there that you could have two lovers and each of them could feel like they were alone with you.
[407] Yeah, they wouldn't meet.
[408] They'd have to go to a zone defense.
[409] I could have one lover that only knows the right leg.
[410] And then there's only knows the left leg.
[411] Just curious, I thought maybe it would shock us here with like, oh, when I was young and I was traveling.
[412] No!
[413] No, I would not be...
[414] There's no shame in it?
[415] Oh, I'm not saying there is shame.
[416] Don't slut shame us.
[417] I'm not slut shaming.
[418] I am...
[419] I would treat that.
[420] If that were true, I would be...
[421] I would think I was a war hero.
[422] I would be so...
[423] I would get a medal made by the U .S. government that said, had a threesome.
[424] And I would wear it.
[425] Band of Lovers.
[426] Band of Lovers.
[427] Produced by Tom Hanks.
[428] And we'll make Hanks do this.
[429] Oh, 100 %.
[430] No, but it was absolutely, I mean, that was a thing that was...
[431] What are we talking about?
[432] We were talking about all these people...
[433] Oh, you being tired?
[434] No, we were talking about my incredible life as a letharia, a sexual being.
[435] Oh, okay.
[436] Sure.
[437] No, but no, I have never been.
[438] And how about you?
[439] Have you been with more than one?
[440] No. But I was offered.
[441] Yeah.
[442] I don't believe I've ever told this story.
[443] I was in Italy.
[444] Of course.
[445] There you go.
[446] And I, there was two young ladies who I got to know.
[447] I was doing a theater over there.
[448] Okay.
[449] First of all, what stage of your life are you in?
[450] Are you, Steve?
[451] I am 19.
[452] You're 19.
[453] The last time you would have won.
[454] want to see me naked.
[455] I was actually doing a nude scene in an opera over there.
[456] It was Ken Russell, the director, was doing Madam Butterfly.
[457] And he was doing it.
[458] He was set it in a really a house of prostitution rather than a geisha.
[459] And it's in Nagasaki.
[460] And at the top of it, the prostitutes would all be asleep on the floor.
[461] And I would walk out naked on stage while the obo is going, bum, bum, bum, bum.
[462] And they're waiting for the bonds to come in.
[463] You know, you guys know Madam Butterfly.
[464] Yeah, yeah, please.
[465] And a couple of the girls, the extras who were playing the prostitutes were like, hey, you know what, we've seen you naked while we have sex together.
[466] Okay, did you think for a minute I might...
[467] Yeah.
[468] You didn't let me finish my question.
[469] I didn't let a lot of people finish.
[470] Hi, my name is Stephen Colbert, and I regret being Colonel O 'Brien's friend.
[471] So wait a minute, so I mean, I've never been off, that's never been offered to me in my life.
[472] Didn't happen.
[473] Just want you know it didn't happen.
[474] Okay.
[475] But you were probably tempted somewhat.
[476] More than tempted, I'm like, yeah.
[477] Oh, so why didn't it happen?
[478] Because it started to happen.
[479] Oh.
[480] It was a picnic was arranged.
[481] Wait, this was going to be outside?
[482] This is confusing.
[483] Is there any chance we could edit this out of the podcast?
[484] Oh, absolutely not.
[485] Well, you're sitting on the couch with the editor, and I'll say a sound, no. No, and then when the actual, like, the idea like, hey, let's go pick my other, I said, yeah, I don't want to.
[486] Yeah.
[487] Nah, I don't want to.
[488] Yeah.
[489] And they asked why, and I said, no, I just don't want to.
[490] I still am not sure why.
[491] Well, I think I know why.
[492] Why?
[493] I would not do it either, probably.
[494] Because I would be too overwhelming for me. It seems like.
[495] I'm just being honest with all of you.
[496] I know it's the cool thing to say like, but I think it would end with me crying.
[497] 100%.
[498] 100%.
[499] In my situations in life when it's been one -on -one and months of preparation, it ends with lots of crying, and it's me, you know?
[500] No, I just seemed like, oh, yeah, this is absolutely it.
[501] I'm over in Italy, and everything's cool.
[502] And, you know, we don't speak each other languages except the language of love.
[503] And it all seemed like very penthouse letters.
[504] You know, like, oh, shit, that's real.
[505] People do have sex and elevators stuck between floors.
[506] And then, but the actual, like, moment like, hey, let's go.
[507] I'm like, I'm not going.
[508] Yeah.
[509] No, thanks.
[510] But I respect that.
[511] I'm just telling you I would do the same thing.
[512] That makes one of us.
[513] Yeah.
[514] What's that?
[515] What's that?
[516] I said, that makes one of us.
[517] Okay, all right.
[518] Well, clearly I'm going to get more of the opportunities here in my outfit.
[519] Nothing says I'm down for group sets.
[520] It kind of does, though.
[521] Maybe it does.
[522] It kind of does.
[523] You need a bigger belt buckle and more rings.
[524] And it needs to be 1979.
[525] Yeah, yeah, I know.
[526] This needs to be veil or Aspen or someplace like that.
[527] The times that I've done things with, like, Kevin Hart and Ice Cube, they, and I wear anything remotely like this, they start laughing.
[528] and they're like, you look like a male prostitute.
[529] And I realized I kind of do, you know?
[530] Yeah.
[531] But you could bank some coin, my friend.
[532] Yeah.
[533] It's a good thing to fall back on.
[534] I want to ask you a question.
[535] You and I, I don't know if you're aware of this.
[536] I know that you are from the great state of South Carolina.
[537] You are a southerner.
[538] And people ask me because I'm from Boston.
[539] and the other day someone played me a tape of me as a child doing like a bit of a comedy bit with my sister Kate and there was an actual tape and I think it's from 1975 and I got a Boston accent and I'm kind of talking fast and I'm yeah and I never consciously decided to get rid of it but it just through over time I think mostly washed away did you ever have a southern accent I transferred colleges in my last two years of college I spent in Northwestern University's School of Speech I was in the theater department there and yeah and they thought I had a southern accent like the voice teacher's like yeah you're from the south I can hear the southern accent but I consciously tried not to get one as a child because I don't think that southern accents are dumb I don't it's often very lazily used as a way to say dumb Right.
[540] But yeah, on TV, the Southern person was the dumb person.
[541] And I wanted to be smart.
[542] My family valued like smartness, so I wanted to be smart.
[543] And so I kind of modeled myself and I kind of mean this, even though I'm talking about like an eight to 10 year old when I say this on John Chancellor, who used to be the anchor of the NBC nightly news.
[544] Yes, I know.
[545] Because you couldn't.
[546] My mother one day said, listen to him.
[547] You can't tell where in the United States he's from.
[548] And I thought that was kind of a neat trick to be able to talk and no one would know where you were from.
[549] I get Connecticut a lot But that is But so it was a conscious It was a conscious thing It was a conscious thing Not to get us on an accent I mean I can do it Like I sometimes do do do it And I just said do do But So you don't have to point it out Because I know you were about to I wasn't going to mention it If I get If I get If I get really excited Or if I get really angry Or if I get a little drunk It'll come back You'll hear it And is it a thick, like, you know, I say, I say boy, you know, is it?
[550] Dip -a -d -dog, dip -a -dog, mustache getting in the green mud.
[551] No, no, but there's, like, Charleston's a really weird kind of accent.
[552] I just love you getting mad and being like, well, I just about tears it.
[553] I'm Stephen Colbert, and I'm in the host of my soul for many a year.
[554] Could I tell you the favorite thing ever said in a southern accent that I've ever heard?
[555] What?
[556] When I was growing up on James Island, South Carolina outside of Charleston, yeah, oh, yeah.
[557] Really?
[558] Really?
[559] Willow Lake Road.
[560] And there was an advertisement for something called Gerald's Recaps.
[561] And it was where you go, you know, you go buy recap tires, retreads.
[562] Right.
[563] And they would have a rotating tire.
[564] And inside there was like some green screen.
[565] And as it rotated around, little testimonials would come up from customers inside about how great these retread tires were.
[566] And this guy says this.
[567] And I'd like to know what you think he's saying.
[568] Okay.
[569] He goes, I find I get better mileage with the ones that are known, the ones that are better known there.
[570] Well, I find I get better mileage with the ones that are on than the ones that...
[571] I find I get better mileage with the ones that are on than the ones that are put it on there.
[572] I don't know.
[573] I think what he's saying is, I get better mileage with these new recaps that I bought from Gerald's that they put on my car than the stock tires that came with the car when I bought it.
[574] I find to get better mileage, one of the money on there.
[575] And sold.
[576] Yep.
[577] So there's that in Charleston, there's that in my hometown, but there's also like very Charleston, there's kind of south, round kind of accent.
[578] It's like that sort of thing.
[579] What?
[580] Fuck you, it's a great day at Gerald's.
[581] Was that the ad?
[582] I will meet you at Melvins for Barbecue.
[583] It's right down the street from Gerald's.
[584] Well, you've alienated most of us.
[585] That's what South Carolinans do.
[586] I've seceded from your podcast.
[587] I will bombard you until you agree to come back.
[588] We're getting into the weeds here.
[589] My favorite thing ever said in a Southern accent that I've personally witnessed was the great Andy Griffith was on our show in the 90s.
[590] And Sheriff Andy Taylor, and he was a wonderful, warm, later known to most people as Matlock, but just a huge hero to everyone, our generation.
[591] He's from, I believe, North Carolina, But he has this famous southern accent, and he was on the show, and he was very polite, and our writers wanted him to do a bit.
[592] So they came in, they said, Mr. Griffith, do you mind?
[593] We will have a funny bit.
[594] And he listened to it, and he went, I want to thank you very much, and I do appreciate your time, and I do appreciate the work that you put into this, but I think I'll just do the interview with Conan, and we'll leave it at that.
[595] So the writer left, and then the writer thought, you know what, you've got to be persistent.
[596] So he went back, which I didn't know of, and he said, Mr. Griffith, I was just thinking about him.
[597] It's a really funny bit, and so you'll do the interview, but then afterwards, We'll do a pre -tape, and all you have to do is put this funny hat on.
[598] He went, well, I do thank you very much.
[599] And such an honor that a writer like you would put the work into it and think that I could do it.
[600] So I do appreciate that, but I think, again, I'll just do the interview.
[601] And he walks away.
[602] The writer, whose name will, I will not say, but he decides, fuck it, I'm going back in there one more time.
[603] Because I think I've got Andy Griffith on the ropes.
[604] So he goes back.
[605] He goes back.
[606] And he starts to go, excuse me. me, Mr. Griffith, if you could, and Andy Griffith just looked up at him and with a big smile, he said, just walk away.
[607] And it's one of my favorite things of all time.
[608] Did you ever see him play evil?
[609] Yes.
[610] He's fantastic.
[611] Facing the crowd.
[612] Yeah.
[613] He plays.
[614] There's a movie that, I don't know how many young people know this movie, but a face in the crowd is one of the great films.
[615] It's a very dark film.
[616] He also did sort of a version of the most dangerous game where he's the hunter.
[617] Fantastic.
[618] Oh, he's great playing evil.
[619] I think you'd be very good playing evil.
[620] I'd love a shot at it.
[621] Seriously, would you?
[622] 100%.
[623] Who would want to play?
[624] Everybody I interview, like, who's like, well, you're the bad guy.
[625] Like, they all they go, it's much more fun to play the bad guy.
[626] Yes.
[627] It's much more interesting.
[628] When I worked on The Simpsons, all I wanted to do was write for Mr. Burns.
[629] I didn't want to write for anybody else because writers love to write me. It's like, it's, we get to go or in comedy, to get to play that is to get to do something that you feel you can't do in your real life.
[630] But if it's part of the job, and if I can play the worst guy in the world.
[631] That's what I kind of liked about doing the Colbert Report, is that I got to pretend that his ego wasn't mine.
[632] Yes.
[633] It's great.
[634] You know what I mean?
[635] Like, I got to pretend like, well, that's the character.
[636] But, and also, like, his appetites, because he was just a creature of pure appetites.
[637] And, you know, why shouldn't I be the model American?
[638] Of course, why shouldn't I be?
[639] Why shouldn't I be?
[640] And that was great to, like, invest him with all my secret dark.
[641] I don't think of the right appetites, but to, like, invest him with all of those secret desires and appetites that put yourself first and everybody should love me and all that kind of stuff.
[642] And just to ride that train for, that was a lot of fun.
[643] I'll say this in, because I think about comedy probably way too much, and not enough about threesomes.
[644] But I, I, there are different comedians that I can identify who have, really beautifully inhabited a crazy, a crazy egomaniacal character.
[645] And I'm thinking of like Alan Partridge, the Alan Partridge character by Steve Coogan, and there's certain characters here and there, you know, Ricky Jervais on the original office, and there are characters that have done it.
[646] I am hard -pre, I can't think of anybody else who created a character like that, committed to it, and did it every night for 11 years, flawlessly.
[647] That isn't a...
[648] No one else done that.
[649] Thank you.
[650] That is a huge.
[651] Thank you.
[652] I really enjoy doing it.
[653] You know, that is, I still liked it when I stopped, which is nice.
[654] I still like doing when I stop and I stopped.
[655] I, I decided to stop doing it two years before I actually stopped doing it.
[656] I didn't tell anybody, but Evie knew, like my wife knew and my manager was like, I'm going to stop on this day, December 18th, 2014, already decided.
[657] But because I want to stop when I still liked it.
[658] Yeah.
[659] And that's, I can relate to that as well.
[660] I loved doing my thing every night.
[661] And I realized, I want to stop doing it while I still really love it and it's meaningful to me but I don't there are other things I want to try I still want to be in comedy but I don't want to do this it's been a long time but you that I think is an unrivaled achievement in comedy what you managed to do I really do I think it's an absolutely incredible feat that's lovely to say I knew it would be hard the um I remember I remember right before we put the show on not to talk about the ancient days but literally 17 years ago right around now was right before the show went on the air.
[662] And maybe for them, maybe long ago than that, but Dave we said, hey, Dave, we'd like you to be my foil.
[663] We'd like you to come on and be occasionally be this character named Russ Lieber.
[664] And he's a super liberal and he'd come on.
[665] And he spends his weekends working at the Mifflin Street co -op in Madison, Wisconsin, you know, you know, stocking the coal -robby.
[666] And, you know, and a lot of very, you know, thirsty roll -neck sweaters and stuff like that.
[667] Okay, that's great, great.
[668] So we start working on the script and everything.
[669] He's like, well, what do you want to do it?
[670] And I said, well, we could do it any day.
[671] next week and he goes well what night I mean like I mean record yeah but what night are you guys on and he was standing he was sitting in front of the couch that had the strip on it like the whole two week run of shows behind him and we hadn't been on the air yet and we said well I mean any any day next week we could do it when are you available and he goes what do you mean and then he looked behind him and he goes wait this is you're going to do this every night and I said you And he goes, oh, holy shit.
[672] And I said, yeah, I'm already past that.
[673] I've already gotten past that.
[674] My first show, we did our first taping of late night was September 13th, 1993, and we did it, and we really liked the show that we did, and we put all of our weirdness out there, and the crowd was hot, and there'd been all this pressure for months, who is this guy, what's going to happen?
[675] We did it, and we, like, idiots, went out and had a massive party.
[676] Oh.
[677] And it was a Monday night.
[678] And we partied and partied and partied and hugged each other.
[679] And I told people, I love you.
[680] And we hugged and we drank.
[681] And it was Tuesday.
[682] And I didn't know then that I had 28 years to go.
[683] That's the thing is that even if you have a really great show, like if you're doing one of these nightly shows, it takes an hour, it takes a lot out of you.
[684] And you've got to care about each one.
[685] Right.
[686] And the thing is, is that you've got about five minutes to feel like that.
[687] good about it.
[688] Or thank God, only about five minutes to feel that bad about it because you got another show tomorrow.
[689] Right.
[690] And five minutes, like, hey, that was a really good show.
[691] And then you go into the post -mortem and go, okay, what's tomorrow?
[692] Yeah.
[693] But you also have to kind of like that part of it.
[694] That's the part that...
[695] I think separates the people who can do it for a long time or really enjoy it, is you kind of got to like the work.
[696] The work itself has got to be the thing that's your reward.
[697] Right.
[698] If whenever someone in show business over the years, a couple of times people would say, you know, that talk show thing looks sweet.
[699] I've been, you know, in movies and stuff, and I've been kind of an action hero here and there, but getting one of those must be pretty sweet.
[700] And I said, I don't know what you're talking about because it's every day.
[701] And it's a great job, but it's also, it doesn't.
[702] So I love it, but it's also, it never stops.
[703] It's incessant.
[704] And I know, because I had the same experience, but it's hard not to bring it home, too, because my wife could tell I would come home.
[705] I was never a drug person in any way, but I would get so hyped up by doing the show.
[706] and then I would come home and be bouncing off the walls and my wife and kids would just back away like I had been working at a nuclear reactor core the good thing is though I say the plus side like yeah it's constant work and you're never really off you get off long enough to kind of recover than you're doing it again because you know what are you 200 shows a year when you start out and but you know where you're going is the thing you know where you're going every day and if you you're willing to set a schedule you kind of know when you're coming home and you can be there for the school player or whatever like that.
[707] There is...
[708] Oh, I never went to those.
[709] Okay.
[710] They're not as good as professional plays.
[711] You're like, this is shit.
[712] These costumes aren't good.
[713] That kid can't sing.
[714] Why is he the lead?
[715] I've walked out of...
[716] The few I went to I walked out of.
[717] You know what?
[718] Tough love.
[719] Yeah.
[720] They need to know that this is crap.
[721] But it's mildly normative compared to the people like, that movie star doesn't know where he's going to be next month.
[722] Uh -huh.
[723] No, it's true.
[724] I used to envy when you're, it's always the grass is always greener, but when your job is, you know this very well, you're one of the few people I can talk to about this, when you're behind a desk all the time, if anyone has a job that involves, yeah, I've got to go to Iceland for this meeting, you're like, you're going to Iceland?
[725] You're so, you know, because if your job is to sit behind a desk and it's the greatest job in the world, all you're thinking about is other people.
[726] going places, which is why I started to scam those travel shows.
[727] It was just like, it's a show.
[728] What happens?
[729] I go other places.
[730] I leave the desk and go places.
[731] You went to Greenland, right?
[732] Yeah.
[733] I went up there.
[734] We haven't shown it yet, but I went up to the north end.
[735] I went to Tully Air Base, which is the northernmost airbase.
[736] Did you go up that high?
[737] I don't know where you went.
[738] I can't remember if we went up that high.
[739] I'd have to ask somebody because it's all a blur.
[740] This place is 700 miles north of the Arctic Circle.
[741] It's so far north that you can't see the northern lights.
[742] because they're south of you.
[743] Oh, my God.
[744] So it's so far north, it's, I get it.
[745] Compassus Point West.
[746] Right.
[747] And were you shooting a thing now?
[748] Yeah, we were shooting a thing.
[749] It was a U .S .O. We did a U .S .o show up there for the air base up there.
[750] And it's starkly beautiful.
[751] You really feel like you're the end of the world.
[752] I got to go into the room because it's the airbase.
[753] It's where they track the Russian missiles coming over the top.
[754] Right.
[755] Because they're so far north.
[756] If they're coming over the top.
[757] That's right.
[758] Well, they are coming up there.
[759] Right, you made it sound like they're constantly flying over.
[760] No, no, no, when they come, when they come over the top.
[761] That makes me feel better.
[762] No, because they're about as far, you know, like, they're like from here to Raleigh, North Carolina is how far that place is from Russia.
[763] Yes.
[764] And they've got these massive, five -story buildings on the outside of which is all basically like open microwave ovens, just shooting beams over the top of the pole, to the point where they said, don't stand in front of that building.
[765] I said, what happens?
[766] And they said, your organs would boil within a minute.
[767] and they literally have things thrown out into the gravel and in front of it to say don't walk inside that because that's basically the cone of it don't walk inside front of that area I mean you wouldn't die instantly there but it wouldn't be good for you and I'm like it's just a piece of wood out there you just threw like a log out there and he goes well we can't throw metal because it's an open microwave of it it literally is the same thing but you can throw a potato and then eat it you could have it on a string and then reel it in I got to go to the big big room.
[768] I got to go to the room, like the big board room.
[769] Oh, you saw it?
[770] Yeah.
[771] I couldn't bring cameras in there, but I got to get to see the big room.
[772] What do you think it looks like?
[773] I'm obviously thinking of Dr. Strangelove.
[774] Nope.
[775] It looks like a middle school computer lab.
[776] I knew it would be like that.
[777] There's three PCs, three people in their early 20s, basically first jobs out of college and they're like paying off the college pipe.
[778] You know, they're all just the nerd patrol up at the Tully Air Base too.
[779] Everybody there is tech.
[780] And he goes like, that shows where all the satellites are.
[781] that one shows if you know anything larger than a softball going mock two or more we can pick up all the way down to like Beijing and then this one is just cascading numbers like it was the matrix and I said how you know like what how long if you saw something what would it what would happen I said oh about 15 minutes before it's overhead these things are going really fast and I said what happens after that why is there a wedge behind you on the screen I don't see anything behind you goes well once it's overhead it's not our problem it's your problem and I said so So who do you tell?
[782] He goes, oh, we tell Central Command, and then they tell other people, you know, continuity of government and all that kind of stuff.
[783] And I said, well, what do you tell us?
[784] When do you tell us?
[785] Like, New York, how long before he gets to New York?
[786] He goes, half an hour before he gets to New York.
[787] And I said, when do you tell us?
[788] And he goes, we don't tell you.
[789] He goes, you'll find out.
[790] Well, what a great way to...
[791] What a great piece to show on your comedy show.
[792] Oh, my God.
[793] Yeah, there you go.
[794] Do you like, I have found that, and this is on the same topic, but I have found that if you go and you do any entertaining at all for any group that's in the military serving, they are as great as this crowd has, and people always say you're the best crowd in the world, they're the best crowds.
[795] They are so...
[796] They're so grateful that you're there and you're remembered and you give a damn.
[797] They're really fantastic.
[798] And there had been no USO, like, what I call it, USO club up there ever.
[799] That was there for basically the ribbon.
[800] cutting and the base first opened in 1951 and it's super secret because it's it's where they keep all the rooms where they're tracking the missiles right and and I was looking like this is really super secret base but I'm I can walk anywhere and do anything and there doesn't seem to be a lot of security around here and they said who's going to sneak up on us because there's literally literally there's a fjord on one side and north of the fjord the ice sheet goes all the way ice cap goes all the way to the water and south of us it goes all the way to the water and then about a you know about three or four miles away to the east is the greenland ice sheet that's where it starts and it's a thousand miles wide and it's two miles thick and they go well you can't sneak us you can't get us over there you're not going to sneak over there and it's 1600 miles south and it's one of the most starkly beautiful places i've ever been and what they do there is they have fun and yes well they're they they have to and i'm guessing i know how they have fun yes There's plenty of drink.
[801] There's plenty of drink up there.
[802] But evidently, the Danes, because the Danes own Greenland.
[803] The day...
[804] Yep.
[805] People will woo anything.
[806] Evidently, however hard they party, no one can keep up with the Danes.
[807] That it's almost frightening how hard the Danes who are the civilian contractors party up there.
[808] I spent some time in Finland.
[809] Thanks for the woo.
[810] And they have a drink there because there's not much to do called Korskenkova, and I drank it, and I spit it out, and I said, this is, sometimes you make the joke that this is rocket fuel.
[811] This is rocket fuel, and they were laughing.
[812] What they do is they all drink it, and then they get naked, and they go into a sauna, and then they jump into ice -cold water and have massive strokes.
[813] And that's their way of having fun.
[814] And it works for them.
[815] Yeah.
[816] I suggest you try it.
[817] Stephen, you've been a gentleman, you've been a prince among men, you did a show.
[818] What did I do today?
[819] I wandered around.
[820] You got jizzed in the face.
[821] I guess, okay.
[822] You look fantastic.
[823] Do you know, Conan?
[824] You know, Conan.
[825] I don't know how much they were charging, but you could make your own.
[826] I don't know.
[827] There's something about this other jizz that's...
[828] Well, it's not...
[829] nice.
[830] We brought that ship around really beautifully.
[831] Stephen, God bless you.
[832] My best to your lovely wife and family.
[833] And also, thank you so much.
[834] I do not take it for granted that you made the time to be with us tonight because you work really hard and you do incredible work.
[835] And I daft my invisible hat to you.
[836] So thank you, Stephen Colbert.
[837] Thank you, Conan O 'Brien.
[838] Thank you so much.
[839] Thank you, Matt.
[840] Thanks, everybody.
[841] Yes!
[842] And now, Steeley Dan.
[843] Wow, he was fantastic.
[844] He is the consummate professional.
[845] I love him so much.
[846] All right, we'll take it easy.
[847] He's great.
[848] He's like, no one better.
[849] No better late night host.
[850] Really, okay.
[851] He's charming.
[852] He's nice.
[853] Yeah, he's got it all.
[854] All right.
[855] Well, anyway, he's a solid B plus.
[856] Something that no one's ever said about Steve.
[857] Kevin Colbert.
[858] That man's a solid B, B, plus.
[859] Yeah, he's a delightful, he's a delightful fellow.
[860] And so I was so glad that he got to be here.
[861] I think we have, it's time for a more intimate part of the show.
[862] That's right.
[863] It's where we get to kind of talk to the people.
[864] Yeah.
[865] We take, yeah.
[866] We take voicemails, which is, if you don't know what a voicemail is, someone will call and they'll leave a message.
[867] That's really rude.
[868] What?
[869] We do a thing on the podcast where we listen to voicemails occasionally, and we hear what people are thinking we actually haven't done it in a while, we should do it more often, but we do a version of it here on these live shows, but obviously it's got a twist.
[870] So people get to ask questions or make comments.
[871] I hope they're questions more than just comments.
[872] I think they're all questions, in fact, they're lining up now.
[873] We're going to have the first person come down to this spotlit microphone here.
[874] Wow.
[875] So look how powerful that looks, an empty microphone.
[876] Doesn't it look like a symbol of democracy that somehow failed?
[877] Oh, dear.
[878] Microphone that no one...
[879] Oh, sorry.
[880] Oh, hey, how are you?
[881] Oh, is that...
[882] What happened?
[883] What's that?
[884] Oh, I thought you were with him and we were attacking him.
[885] I didn't know it was happening.
[886] You're wearing a very colorful jacket and I got scared.
[887] Hello, sir, what is your name?
[888] Devin.
[889] Yeah, Devin.
[890] I am Spartacus.
[891] Devin, wherever you are, I'm really sorry.
[892] Yeah.
[893] No, what is your name, sir?
[894] My name's Mitch.
[895] What's that?
[896] Mitch.
[897] And you are?
[898] I'm coming.
[899] I'll take it.
[900] Hey, we opened the show with I've been jizzed on, so trust me, nothing you say can hurt me now.
[901] I like the dramatic, I love the dramatic pause before the question.
[902] That was a deep inhale.
[903] The whole room got quiet, and it's like the sixth sense.
[904] I could see my breath.
[905] There's just an overwhelming amount of denim in front of me. I just can't.
[906] Trust me, you can't hurt me. Go for it, man. Take your shot.
[907] Okay, okay, okay.
[908] So, back in college, I competed in timber sports.
[909] So I was a lumberjack.
[910] So, Conan, do you think you'd make a good lumberjack?
[911] And if so, what would you wear when lumberjacking off?
[912] Okay, well, was this written before this, you came here?
[913] I'm dressed like a fucking lumberjack.
[914] Did you write this beforehand?
[915] Yes.
[916] Okay, that's weird.
[917] Yeah.
[918] Because I don't know what to say.
[919] other than I'd lose the tie.
[920] And I've got the boots.
[921] I mean, I think I'm ready to go.
[922] Those aren't boots for lumberjacking off.
[923] Of course they are.
[924] They're all lumberjacks like boots that were made in Italy.
[925] It's the first thing you learn when you're a lumberjack.
[926] Only Bruno Cuccinelli.
[927] Anyway.
[928] You're learning a lot about me today.
[929] I got some creams, on my face by a stranger on Fifth Avenue and I'm wearing Bruno Cuccinelli.
[930] I think you're looking at it.
[931] Do I think I'd be a good lumberjack?
[932] I would say no. Because I always joke around and do bits.
[933] I am a hard worker, Bono.
[934] It comes to manual labor.
[935] I try and find the bit or the joke.
[936] I think the other lumberjacks would hate me because I wouldn't be doing the work.
[937] I'd be doing bits about doing the work and I'd be turning the axe into a character his name's Axie Axterton and I'd be, you know, and I'd be like, Aixie, come on, and they'd be standing there and eventually I'd be butchered to death by the other lumberjacks.
[938] I think I'd be a terrible lumberjack.
[939] Absolutely awful, don't you agree?
[940] 100%.
[941] Thank you.
[942] What do you keep in that pouch that you wear on your chest?
[943] I just, I'm just curious.
[944] Is that something you wear every day?
[945] It's my emergency lumberjack tool.
[946] Oh, very nice.
[947] Good improv.
[948] That wasn't a put -down, or was it?
[949] He's a master of passive aggression.
[950] Okay, so just make sure he doesn't put the microphone in that and then walk away.
[951] That's a for -share microphone.
[952] Yeah, Mitch, leave the microphone, please.
[953] And actually, step away from the microphone.
[954] Well, Mitch, I hope I answered your question.
[955] I'd be a terrible lumberjack, but I'd dress like this without the tie.
[956] You know?
[957] Yeah, I agree.
[958] I think...
[959] What's happening now?
[960] You're going to make a speech of some kind?
[961] Well, I just think the electoral college doesn't represent fairly the popular vote.
[962] What?
[963] What's Mitch talking about?
[964] It feels that in 1785 it was a good idea.
[965] But now I feel like crucial sectors of the economy.
[966] Hold it.
[967] Hold it.
[968] I know where you were going, so...
[969] I'm done.
[970] Okay, well, it's nice to meet you, Mitch.
[971] Good to see you, sir.
[972] And let's move on out of the next guy.
[973] Huh.
[974] You're not the guy that ran up and got in line behind Mitch.
[975] I'm not.
[976] What happened to that guy?
[977] Yeah, what have you done with him?
[978] Did you do something to him or did something...
[979] That's very ominous.
[980] I don't think I can tell you yet.
[981] Okay, red -haired, red -jacketed guy ran up and got behind Mitch, and then I'm busy.
[982] I'm in the zone with Mitch.
[983] Oh, was that you in the zone?
[984] That was me in the zone.
[985] And then this guy...
[986] who plays guitar for fish, gets up, and you're fantastic.
[987] I love that, noodling and all those scales for hours on end, it's fantastic shit.
[988] But, and then Red Jacket guy is just gone.
[989] It's ominous and weird, but we won't.
[990] They'll tell me later on, you don't want to know.
[991] Sir, what is your name?
[992] My name is Ben.
[993] Ben, nice to see you.
[994] How are you?
[995] Good.
[996] Great to be here.
[997] I think you're being a redhead model.
[998] I appreciate that.
[999] Now, let me ask you something, am I a good, I'm being honest, you can tell me I want to be a good representative for red -haired people, but I don't know that I am.
[1000] I'd say you're doing fantastic.
[1001] It's much better than like a Chucky character or like Chucky from the Rugrats or the murderous ones or always the geeky characters.
[1002] Oh, yeah, unlike me, yeah.
[1003] The bar is so low.
[1004] I love it.
[1005] And keep in mind.
[1006] This is coming from another.
[1007] redhead in mostly denim.
[1008] Yeah.
[1009] But look.
[1010] It's a good look.
[1011] Look, his denim is a lighter denim that would not match my denim, which might get me off the hook.
[1012] Is what I like what you got going on?
[1013] You think it's okay?
[1014] Yeah, I think actually, if you're going to go denim, you might as well match, because then it really looks sort of off, you know.
[1015] Well, I don't know that his completely matches, so now you've put him down.
[1016] Well, are you wearing denim on the bottom?
[1017] I'm not.
[1018] They're scrubs.
[1019] Wait, what?
[1020] Wow.
[1021] Are you in the medical profession?
[1022] I just came from work, yes.
[1023] What?
[1024] Thank you.
[1025] Thank you.
[1026] You actually fucking know stuff.
[1027] Nobody knows stuff anymore.
[1028] Did you go to like a medical school or?
[1029] I got a doctor at an audiology.
[1030] What?
[1031] So it's a...
[1032] So yes.
[1033] Wait a minute.
[1034] I haven't put the salute all the way down yet.
[1035] So what do you do in these scrubs?
[1036] Do you save lives?
[1037] I evaluate and rehabilitating.
[1038] hearing disorders.
[1039] That's good, yes.
[1040] Okay.
[1041] We're cool.
[1042] That's cool.
[1043] That's cool.
[1044] I'm fine with that.
[1045] He's helping people.
[1046] You studied and you're helping people and you know things.
[1047] I think that's fantastic.
[1048] So I will not take back my salute.
[1049] I just wanted to make sure that he wasn't, you know, an accountant at the hospital in scrubs.
[1050] They wear scrubs too.
[1051] I think I had this idea recently.
[1052] I'm in comedy.
[1053] We don't get to have a uniform in comedy, and I thought recently there should be a color of scrubs that people in comedy get to wear.
[1054] Oh, no. Hold it.
[1055] They say, it's the best medicine.
[1056] And so, I know where you're going with this.
[1057] No, but I was thinking, if we could come up with a thing, then I'm walking down the street, and it's like, I'm wearing my scrubs, and I see John Mullaney, and he's wearing his scrubs, and I see Colbert, and we're like, this is cool.
[1058] You're all in denim scrubs.
[1059] It's a nightmare.
[1060] No, they're not going to be denim.
[1061] But I think it would be cool.
[1062] Why do people in the medical community get to have the cool scrubs?
[1063] What did you guys do?
[1064] Oh, right.
[1065] You saved the world lives.
[1066] Ben, what can I do for you?
[1067] So coming full circle, half of my job is explaining to people what they haven't heard in about 20 years.
[1068] And so part of it is having people tell me what they've heard and what they've loved and forgot they love to hear, such as patients being like, I didn't hear the rain over, like on the rooftop in years.
[1069] I heard crickets for the first time in my campsite.
[1070] So I was wondering, what are some of your favorite sounds and things that you just would not love to give up to hear?
[1071] I, well, that's a great question.
[1072] Apples.
[1073] I, that is a great question.
[1074] It's very rare that a question gets applause.
[1075] Yeah, this answer better be pretty good.
[1076] No, I was saying you would miss the sound of applause.
[1077] Yeah.
[1078] No, no, I mean, crickets.
[1079] You brought up crickets.
[1080] Man. Sound of crickets during my monologue.
[1081] That's one of my favorite sounds.
[1082] You're bringing up something that I think a lot about recently, which is I do worry about hearing loss.
[1083] I lived, you know, I basically lived in a very small box in Studio 6A, and I did 16 years with Jimmy and the guys playing so loud, sound just bouncing around, and my producers would come up and yell things in my ear because during the commercial breaks, the band's playing.
[1084] You guys had the whole horn section, and they would come up and they would scream in my ear.
[1085] They would, and literally every night, three times a night, they would scream in my ear, Stephen doesn't want to tell the story about the toad.
[1086] The toad's out!
[1087] Like some little piece of information that I needed to know before the interview.
[1088] My favorite is one of our producers, Frank Smiley, came up to me once and we were having someone on.
[1089] I think it was like the lead singer from REM, and he just ran it at the last second ran up and he yelled into my ear.
[1090] He makes pots!
[1091] As a result, my wife and children spend most of their time repeating to me what they've said.
[1092] So I might actually not be hearing things.
[1093] How do I find out?
[1094] You could see an audiologist and they would test your hearing.
[1095] Yeah, I don't want to do that.
[1096] Yeah, I get it.
[1097] I don't know, you know what I mean?
[1098] That just seems like a waste of my time.
[1099] It takes time.
[1100] It takes time.
[1101] It's like 20 minutes.
[1102] Who's got 20 minutes?
[1103] I got jizz to find.
[1104] Now he's talking this guy.
[1105] You get used to it.
[1106] Welcome to the jigs party.
[1107] Wait, so what sounds, you know, it's, it is funny that I do, I love being in front of audiences, so I do love those sounds.
[1108] I really do love, there's a sound that I love, which is a coffee maker that isn't that expensive that's making the coffee.
[1109] I'm not talking about one of these kind of crazy high -end coffee makers that some people get.
[1110] I mean, like, mine's just this regular, you know, okay, it costs $140 or whatever coffee maker, and it makes this little gurgly, weird Yeah, and there's a little sounds and it's also, it sounds human, it doesn't sound like a machine, it's like making the coffee, and then it's just like, gurgle, gurgle, gurgle, gurgle, and you can almost hear the machine going, I'm just, I'm doing what I can, I'm doing the best I can.
[1111] And there are little sounds like that that I find very, very satisfying that sometimes I think I'm missing out on.
[1112] And I also like the sound of corduroi rubbing up against each other, you know?
[1113] Yes.
[1114] Just corduroy.
[1115] I wish if my legs were a little heavier and I wore corduroy, they would chafe, and I could hear that and I could make coffee.
[1116] So there are lots of sounds, but I am curious now about my hearing.
[1117] What would they do if you found out?
[1118] How much hearing loss do you have to have before you need hearing aid?
[1119] It just depends about frequencies.
[1120] the most common is a high frequency hearing loss and that's where people aren't hearing like pitches like S's F's T -Hs and that's where like they don't hear ventilation systems or even their clothes rubbing together so it's like...
[1121] But who wants to hear a vent?
[1122] No, who says...
[1123] Well, I, nobody does.
[1124] Ventilation system.
[1125] I haven't heard that in 30 years.
[1126] But they're kind of the same frequencies as H's.
[1127] I don't want to hear H's.
[1128] How are you, you know?
[1129] Who cares?
[1130] Fuck you, you know.
[1131] I don't hear a bit.
[1132] How I am.
[1133] What I'd like to do, Ben, if it's okay, is I'd like to book an appointment with you right now.
[1134] I think that's fantastic.
[1135] Where are you located?
[1136] I'm in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn.
[1137] Okay, that's not happening.
[1138] No, is that where your office is?
[1139] It is, yes.
[1140] All right, we'll have to go to Bay Ridge, Brooklyn.
[1141] Are you really, is this really what you do, or is this a trick to murder me?
[1142] No. It's really what I do.
[1143] It'd be great.
[1144] It's a very boring.
[1145] It's a terrible murder plan.
[1146] Right?
[1147] It's a long time.
[1148] Aren't you the one that said, come out to me. We have audio of you, and then Conan disappeared in Bay Ridge.
[1149] We just found his ears afterwards.
[1150] Oh, come on.
[1151] What does he do with your ear?
[1152] He's the murdering freak.
[1153] All right, well, Ben, I will book that appointment, but I think I answered your question.
[1154] I hope I did.
[1155] Thank you very much.
[1156] Wonderful question.
[1157] Thank you, and I salute you.
[1158] Ben started to leave, and then someone darted out of the aisle and chased after Ben.
[1159] Something horrible is happening.
[1160] Yes, what is going on?
[1161] We had one guy disappear, another person's been run down, like a wild animal.
[1162] You should probably just stay...
[1163] Yeah, just be careful.
[1164] I should get out of here.
[1165] Yeah.
[1166] What is your name?
[1167] I'm Allison.
[1168] Hi, Allison.
[1169] How are you?
[1170] I'm doing well.
[1171] Thanks so much for coming to the city.
[1172] Are you kidding?
[1173] This is a joy, absolute joy.
[1174] It's a joy for us.
[1175] Well, thank you.
[1176] That's right?
[1177] Thank you.
[1178] It really is.
[1179] This is the magic.
[1180] It's just a magical thing.
[1181] I really love doing this.
[1182] I love hanging with these guys.
[1183] guys.
[1184] I love, I love making these podcasts and this is, uh, I, anytime I'm in the street and someone yells catechai or anything, we end up having a, I've had so many great conversations with people out in the world and it's just, it's, it's, it's lovely is the word, is what it is.
[1185] So thank you.
[1186] Thanks for digging it.
[1187] Well, I guess mine is also kind of New York City related.
[1188] I work across the park at the Met and I was wondering if there were a museum of Conan and the Chilchums, what objects would be on your highlights for.
[1189] Well, okay.
[1190] Jiz cream.
[1191] Okay.
[1192] Sona, you've got to let it go.
[1193] Sorry.
[1194] I'm thinking a haul of jizz cream, so it's not just...
[1195] Okay, all right.
[1196] I'm going to try and straighten this thing out.
[1197] All right.
[1198] No, you're not.
[1199] No, I'm not.
[1200] When we started doing the shows on TBS, they put together an...
[1201] Remember this?
[1202] Sona, they put together an art...
[1203] Cocoa.
[1204] Yeah, they put together of...
[1205] of all fan art, and it blew my mind, because I can't lay claim to a lot, but I will say I have the most creative, talented fans in the world there.
[1206] I mean, paintings, drawings, sculptures, stuff made of, like, a statue of me made of Legos, all kinds of just interpretations of what I look like in my hair.
[1207] And first of all, for an egomaniac like me, it was a joy to walk through.
[1208] But it was, and very enabling.
[1209] but it was also what I liked about it was everybody was being so creative so it's not a funny answer but if there was like a museum I would want most of it to be fan stuff because it's so that makes me happy is when other people are being creative and when other people are you know if I can join in and we can together make something that gives me a lot of pleasure so I would I would think that would be a huge part of it Of you.
[1210] Made by fans.
[1211] Okay.
[1212] Per my instructions.
[1213] But all of you.
[1214] Different ways of...
[1215] Where my torso is depicted a certain way.
[1216] That sounds like a Greek, like, dictator.
[1217] Yes, yes.
[1218] The same thing that Caesar demanded of people that made statues in Rome.
[1219] Yes.
[1220] Troubling.
[1221] Death to those who portray...
[1222] Would there be anything of the two of us?
[1223] Oh, God, no. No, they'd be, you know what?
[1224] They'd be like, yeah, they'd be a little wing somewhere.
[1225] No, I think it'd be fun.
[1226] I think it'd be great.
[1227] What do you think?
[1228] Do you guys want anything special?
[1229] Yeah.
[1230] What?
[1231] What?
[1232] I think we need to get Ben back here and check your hearing.
[1233] Like, what?
[1234] And then I want a massive statue of me nude on a horse.
[1235] Oh, come on.
[1236] Yeah, just nude, and I want everything to be exaggerated.
[1237] I think we'd better take another question.
[1238] A pallet cleanser.
[1239] Okay, we'll do a pallet.
[1240] Nice to talk to.
[1241] Thank you very much.
[1242] Thank you.
[1243] Nude on a horse.
[1244] Yeah.
[1245] My name is not Devin, actually.
[1246] My name's Kendall.
[1247] Oh, hey, Kendall.
[1248] How are you?
[1249] How's it going?
[1250] Can you just tilt the mic up just a little bit?
[1251] Pendle.
[1252] Hey, how are you?
[1253] Hi, how are you?
[1254] Cool.
[1255] I like your jacket.
[1256] It's kind of a cool fall color.
[1257] Conan, it's actually corduroy.
[1258] Yay.
[1259] Rub it against each other.
[1260] Sorry to go there.
[1261] Let me do track, track.
[1262] I have a legit question.
[1263] Does everybody read stuff off their phones now?
[1264] Is that what happened?
[1265] I'm just nervous.
[1266] I'm just nervous.
[1267] It's just us.
[1268] But you can.
[1269] Go ahead.
[1270] Whatever you want to do.
[1271] Like, usually on my side, you said last one.
[1272] I was like, oh, no. Oh, you got this, Kendall.
[1273] Yeah, you got this.
[1274] Don't worry about it.
[1275] And if you have, like, any doubt, just rub the corduroy into the mic.
[1276] Okay, perfect.
[1277] Rub that corduroy together.
[1278] Okay, now, take it easy.
[1279] I got a cigarette now.
[1280] You rub that cordo again.
[1281] No, no. Kendall, we're sorry, we're sorry.
[1282] Sorry, Kendall, I'm so happy to be here.
[1283] I'm here with my dad.
[1284] It's his birthday, so we're really happy.
[1285] Oh, that's cool.
[1286] Yay, dad.
[1287] What a nice dad.
[1288] Yeah, he's awesome.
[1289] Well, we'll see.
[1290] So, as I'm sure you know, Conan, a lot of popular dance trends have emerged because of TikTok.
[1291] So my question for you is if you had to add any song to your world famous string dance, what song would you choose to make it blow up?
[1292] on the app, and could we get a demonstration how to do it?
[1293] Well, I brought this up before.
[1294] But I don't know what syncopates and what goes best with the string dance, but...
[1295] Oh, can we get a little live music maybe?
[1296] Well, we always did it.
[1297] Back in the day, we did it...
[1298] Let's see.
[1299] I'm going to work for it.
[1300] It goes with it.
[1301] We got to come up with a song.
[1302] Right.
[1303] But I mean, that'll do for now.
[1304] I mean, right?
[1305] Don't you think?
[1306] Yeah, that was awesome.
[1307] Yeah.
[1308] I think that could blow up.
[1309] No. I'm so sorry.
[1310] That was so just sudden.
[1311] That's okay.
[1312] That's a great question.
[1313] I think that's good.
[1314] I don't think I'm going to blow up on TikTok.
[1315] I'm 111 years old.
[1316] But the important thing is that I can still do that string dance.
[1317] I don't know what that came from either.
[1318] That was me just in a monologue one night, started to do it.
[1319] And then I started pretending there was a string and cutting it and rubbing a nipple.
[1320] And then I swear to God, six weeks later, I'm watching an NFL game.
[1321] A guy's score is a touchdown.
[1322] drops the ball and does it and they were like I said What the hell is he doing?
[1323] And he had clearly seen me do it on the show and I knew I was a god Wow God Well Thank you so much nice to meet you Yeah I think I said it right Yeah Hey guys I'm gonna wrap this thing up over there But let's say good night first to These guys really make this podcast hum Sonam of Sassian Matt Garley.
[1324] This thing would not work without them.
[1325] They're the best.
[1326] I think you know this one.
[1327] Fallists here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens.
[1328] I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[1329] I can tell that we are going to be friends.
[1330] Walk with me, Susie Lee, through the park, notice anything right by side.
[1331] Brian needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam O 'Vessian, and Matt Gourley.
[1332] Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
[1333] Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solitaroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coe, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
[1334] Theme song by The White Stripes.
[1335] Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
[1336] Take it away, Jimmy.
[1337] Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
[1338] Engineering by Eduardo Perez, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Khan.
[1339] You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.
[1340] Got a question for Conan?
[1341] Call the Team Coco hotline at 323 -451 -2821 and leave a message.
[1342] It too could be featured on a future episode.
[1343] And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are down.