Meltdowns Over Screen Time: Casey's Message to Kids & Parents

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[24] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Calm Parenting Podcast.

[25] this is Kirk Strongwold's son Casey.

[26] I've talked to a lot of families in the last week, and I've noticed some commonalities in what you're struggling with during this quarantine time.

[27] And many of you are really struggling with screen time.

[28] So I'd like this podcast to be intensely practical.

[29] I'd like you to listen to it with your kids, because I'm going to address things both from a kid's perspective and from the parents' perspective.

[30] And I'm going to give both of you ideas.

[31] Um, so listen to this with your kids, whether you're together or separate, uh, doesn't matter.

[32] Um, but, uh, so let's, let's go ahead and dig in.

[33] So let's say you're having a disagreement with your child over screen time.

[34] Your child rolls their eyes.

[35] They refuse to get off their screens.

[36] You end up snapping.

[37] Situation escalates into a full scale fight and tears ensue and the night's ruined and you can't go anywhere because quarantine.

[38] So fundamental thing that must be accepted.

[39] you and your kids are going to disagree.

[40] You cannot avoid disagreements and conflict.

[41] But what you can avoid is the disagreement and conflict ending in a major power struggle, a fight, and tears, and a ruined weekend.

[42] And so that's why I want you and your kids to listen to this podcast.

[43] I'm going to go over a few different examples.

[44] One of the examples is from when I was 16, I got my driver's license, and my parents gave me a curfew of 9 o 'clock at night.

[45] And my old way of handling things was just to say, Mom, Dad, your curfews stupid, I'm not going to do it, and then just come home late.

[46] But at that time, I realized that was not only disrespectful, but it was also really ineffective.

[47] And so I kind of came up with a new way of disagreeing respectfully with my parents.

[48] And so kids, I kind of want you to pay attention here.

[49] Here's what it would look like.

[50] so my parents gave me a nine o 'clock curfew and i wanted a later curfew the first thing i did was i acknowledged that my parents had authority over that decision and that i was going to respect it and the second thing was i presented the new idea and the third thing i did was i asked what i could do to earn it so here's what it looks like hey mom hey dad um i know i have a nine o 'clock per curfew right now and I know that you have set that curfew and I respect that.

[51] And at the end of the day, I am going to respect whatever decision you make.

[52] That said, I would really like to have a 9 .30 curfew or a 10 o 'clock curfew.

[53] I'd like to have some extra time.

[54] But I'd like to know what I can do to earn that later curfew or that extra time.

[55] So parents, if your kids come to you with this, it's really important to compromise, with your kids and give them a clear path to earning what they would like within your boundaries.

[56] So, and I was talking last week with a mom who felt like if she ever compromised or gave a clear path to earning more video game time, that she would be letting her child win.

[57] And I want to caution you against this kind of thinking, because if your kids never get to, quote, win, they're going to stop playing the game altogether.

[58] And we know this from research on fair play and animals and humans.

[59] And interestingly enough, rats engage in rough and tumble play just like kids.

[60] And the single greatest predictor of victory in a rat rough and tumble play session is size.

[61] So if there's a big rat and a little rat, the big rat can only win 70 % of the time without the little rat disengaging and refusing to play.

[62] So the big rat lets the little rat win approximately 30 % of the time in order to retain his playing partner.

[63] And it's similar with kids.

[64] And if it applies to play, it applies in these situations, conditional upon their respectful and measured kind of response.

[65] So if your kids come to you respectfully and they ask you what they can do to, earn more time playing.

[66] I want you to talk with your spouse or come up with clear paths that they can earn what they would like and compromise with them so that they don't disengage.

[67] Another example of this is, and this was a conversation I had last week, a 16 -year -old who just started Google classrooms and the family has the following rule.

[68] No screen time until school work is done.

[69] And that's kind of challenging because students had until 1159 p .m. on Sunday to turn in the week's assignments.

[70] So the kid was really creative and instead of doing each class daily work, like doing work each day, he decided to work on one subject per day and complete it, which sounded good to the parents, but by Friday, he'd only completed three out of seven subjects.

[71] Probably sounds like a lot of your kids.

[72] There's a task bar that showed how many tasks he are required to get done for the week.

[73] Counselor suggested dividing it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, sounded good to us.

[74] So their son completed all the subjects last week, but he had like two incomplete tasks on on on on Sunday afternoon and the parents told him that there would be no gaming until he completed those tasks he disobeyed and he played his games but late that night he completed the tasks so that all tasks were done by 1159 p .m so he did all of his work and I was talking with my dad and he said the following maybe you change your approach on this your son didn't get all of his work done on time in exactly the way you or I wanted him to but the truth is that he did get everything done if a couple things were done late at night given the context and the challenging kids we typically work with who sometimes just don't do anything i think we could count that as a win and maybe you could say to your son nice job you got everything done i think it'll be less stressful for you to do it our way but as long as you can keep this up good thinking and well done it's giving him a win even though he didn't do it exactly the right way you know you wouldn't be wrong to take either approach but i think this kind of positive framework may make him more willing to listen and try a different way in the end and i hope that makes sense.

[75] Now, what if your child has a situation and they, like the video games or the curfew and they don't come back reasonably and they don't ask in a respectful way?

[76] And so I received a call earlier this week from a family whose son is typically fairly responsible.

[77] And at the beginning of the quarantine, he requested more screen time.

[78] The parents gave in and set a loose curfew of midnight.

[79] The first week, their son abused that privilege and was up until 4 a .m. The call centered around, like, how to react to the fact that the son is having meltdowns over getting to keep the phone as much as he wants.

[80] And so this is where I would say, listen, you guys are the parents.

[81] You set the boundaries and the rules.

[82] Here are your three tools for communicating with your kids in a similar situation.

[83] In the same way, I asked your kids to acknowledge your parental authority, and I want you to acknowledge the fact that their screen time is important to them.

[84] Especially in this quarantine times, your kids have gone from seeing their friends five to seven days a week to not at all, and their phones, their video games are the only way they can keep in touch with their friends.

[85] So, of course, they want to communicate with them and be on their screens.

[86] acknowledge that, acknowledge how important it is to them.

[87] Two, come up with very specific boundaries that are enforceable and measurable and give them a way to win, give them a way to achieve what they would like.

[88] So here's an example.

[89] You may not have free reinover screens.

[90] You may have screens from X time to Z time.

[91] If you turn on in your phone every night at 9 p .m. you will continue to have this freedom with your phone.

[92] We want you to have this freedom so that you can keep in touch with your friends and do what's important to you.

[93] That said, if you play on screens all night, we're shutting them off entirely.

[94] If they bring their phone early, maybe you give them 10 extra minutes, but the boundary has to be set in advance.

[95] So you need to follow through on these things.

[96] So if you set those boundaries and they are abused, if you give the freedom and that freedom is abused, then you have every right, not only the right, but the responsibility to follow through on the consequences that you set in advance.

[97] Otherwise, your kids are going to know that it wasn't important enough to you to go through that, to go through the power struggle.

[98] So I want to avoid this entirely by giving your kids a way to be successful.

[99] and in a specific and measurable way.

[100] So hopefully that's what they'll do, but that boundary needs to be set in advance.

[101] The third thing I would really try doing, especially if you have teenagers, write the new rules and ideas in a note.

[102] So instead of your kids having to respond right away, they have a few minutes to process the disappointment and process the new rules and new responsibilities.

[103] So write all of this in a note.

[104] And if you do this, here are the three really important, important outcomes.

[105] One, your kids are going to engage with you and they're going to stay in the game.

[106] And this should really be your biggest fear as a parent.

[107] If your kids feel like they can never live up to your expectations, they're going to shut down and they're going to resist you.

[108] You want them coming to you.

[109] You want them coming to you instead of looking for other places to find acceptance.

[110] So this is huge.

[111] them to stay in the game and you do that by letting them have some wins within your big box of boundaries.

[112] You set the boundaries, you decide how big that box is, but they have a chance to get some wins within that box.

[113] Two, your kids are going to learn how to be responsible.

[114] Demanding doesn't work and they don't get whatever they want, but one of the core principles your kids will hear on programs like the straight talk for kids CD would be if you learn how to control yourself your parents won't have to it gives kids both ownership we would say control and responsibility so if they get off their screens without a fight or they get off their screens a couple of minutes early then they've proven that they can control themselves and usually that results in a little bit more freedom um the third thing is you will have fewer power struggles and you'll build a closer relationship based on mutual trust.

[115] And this will lead to a more, lead to a more compliant child because you've connected.

[116] If you don't ever let your kids have a win, they feel like they have no ownership, no control of their lives, and they end up shutting down.

[117] And that's really what we want to avoid.

[118] And, you know, that's probably where many of you are with your kids right now, struggling between the two extremes of declaring martial law, burning the video games in the back lawn, if you can even go out into your back lawn, and letting your kids just do whatever they want because I don't want to fight with them anymore.

[119] And there's a better way to do this, but it requires some focus, and it requires some compromise both on the side of the kids and on the side of you.

[120] as the parents.

[121] And so I would really encourage you to listen to the, have your kids listen to the Straight Talk for Kids program.

[122] They're going to learn ways to earn more trust with you and to follow your rules and earn more trust and get more freedom and learn how to communicate in a way that's respectful.

[123] And I'd encourage you to listen to the programs for parents.

[124] do what the, do what the parent in the hotbox in the newsletter did, assign homework using the CDs as curriculum.

[125] Because what you're teaching your kids valuable life skills and you're stopping the power struggles at the same time.

[126] And those are two things that kids don't learn in their normal school curriculum.

[127] So, so use this time to your advantage.

[128] If you need help personally choosing the right resources within your budget, email me at Casey at CelebrateCom .com .com.

[129] at C -A -S -E -Y at Celebrate Calm .com.

[130] Email me with the ages of your kids, the biggest issues in the home, and I'll help you choose the best programs for your family.

[131] We can set up a time to talk on the phone.

[132] I'll help you through this personally.

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[135] we'd ask you to subscribe to our podcast, wherever you listen to it, whether that's Apple Music, Spotify, Google, whatever it is.

[136] Keep an eye out for new podcasts.

[137] We're trying to give you as many practical tools as we can during this time.

[138] If you have any questions, let us know.

[139] Happy to help.

[140] And we'll look forward to getting you more podcasts soon.

[141] I hope you all have a chance to practice these ideas this weekend.

[142] This is what I would make.

[143] This is what I would, honestly, I would do this this weekend.

[144] Figure, talk with your spouse or come up with your idea for what are the measurable boundaries.

[145] What are the boundaries and what are ways our kids can have a win this weekend?

[146] And let's start working on this now.

[147] So thank you guys for listening.

[148] Have a great weekend.

[149] Hope the weather is good and you can get outside and we'll talk to you soon.

[150] Thanks so much.