Postgame Show: Thank You, Billy Bean

[0] You're listening to Draft King's Network.

[1] Izzy, you and I have been trying to put together a documentary here for a while about some of the athletes in sports who have had to overcome the obstacles that are all over the place even today for gay athletes.

[2] And Billy Bean is at the forefront in baseball of trying to make baseball.

[3] or was of trying to make baseball a safer space, a more enlightened space for some of the caveman views that have strangled us for a while in and outside of sports.

[4] What is it that we're putting together here to honor Billy Bean now that he has passed at 60 years old as somebody who probably did more work here in baseball than just about anybody?

[5] Yeah, Dan, I had a pretty had passed.

[6] And one of the things that after my divorce, I just really wanted to just help more people, I guess, with the difficulties of being, you know, LGBTQ in sports and just sort of tell stories and spread messages and whatnot.

[7] And one of the people who was super influential to me growing up was Billy Bean.

[8] When I was in college, effectively, my senior year, he was coming out publicly.

[9] And it was the first time I'd ever seen or felt that from somebody, you you know, in sports, somebody that I, you know, I didn't know Billy Bean at the time, but I immediately looked up to him for what he had done.

[10] And I would say my, I'm 47, can I have a career regret already?

[11] I have my biggest career regret is that this documentary that you helped me with, helped me begin, hasn't really gotten off the ground yet because I've got hundreds.

[12] I mean, hours and hours of just great content.

[13] And this was one of them, my interview with Billy Bean.

[14] And I had never spoken to Billy before.

[15] I'd never told him, you know, that he was somebody that I admired so much.

[16] And I had about an hour -plus conversation with him as part for part of this documentary.

[17] And it was just, it was mind -blowing to hear Billy.

[18] And what basically what you're going to hear is just a nine -minute segment, a couple of things pieced together, of him just telling different elements of his story.

[19] And I think, Dan, the part that just gets me the most is when you hear him, you'll still hear pain.

[20] and regret and guilt for not allowing others in, for not allowing others to recognize who he is, for not trusting those other people with this bit of information that didn't allow him to be the person that he could fully be.

[21] He still felt that.

[22] And in a way, it's how he played his career.

[23] It's how he was closet.

[24] It just held back.

[25] He just wanted to keep other people happy.

[26] And I just connect with that so much.

[27] And there's a couple of things you're going to need to know.

[28] before we get to this interview.

[29] One of them was he was married to a woman.

[30] And I had asked him within the context of the conversation, was that a selfish move, in your opinion?

[31] Is that something that you were not worried about your wife's feelings so much as you worried about yours?

[32] And so the question isn't there, so that's why I'm saying you need to know that.

[33] And then there's where this interview starts, which is just at a heart -breaking place.

[34] He was obviously closeted when he was playing.

[35] He had a partner for some time.

[36] Nobody knew about him and his partner.

[37] His partner had HIV at the time, effectively a death sentence, I want to say in the early 90s.

[38] He was with this partner in a hospital, watched him die, walked out of the hospital, couldn't call anybody because nobody knew they were together.

[39] And that story in itself was just so heartbreaking and the idea some of the concepts that he throws out you out at you during this interview is just like putting yourself in his shoes it's just a difficult thing to do if you've never been there and if you have been there to hear this guy talk about what he went through and you know probably until his dying day feeling guilt about not being able to be the person he is it's just it's a lot to handle and I was just hardbroken that he passed and he passed in a way I didn't know he had leukemia.

[40] It was like that.

[41] It was over a year.

[42] And it was very much the way he lived, just kind of in the background, not really wanting to be in everybody's face.

[43] And he will forever just be a hero to me. And I walked out of there at 7 a .m. with a plastic bag full of his clothes.

[44] And I got my car, and I had to be at the park at 10 a .m. to go play a one o 'clock game with the California Angels.

[45] How did you agree?

[46] I just couldn't.

[47] I couldn't deal with it, you know, and I didn't know who did call or what to say.

[48] I had never introduced him to any person that I knew.

[49] I called his sister.

[50] It was the only person that really knew about us.

[51] He was a twin.

[52] And that was, you know, and I basically said, I can't talk right now.

[53] I have to go, you know, and, you know, a million questions.

[54] and, you know, she didn't even know that he was HIV positive, you know, I mean, just to denial, you know, the layers of lies and how complicated your life becomes when you can't live transparently.

[55] And it's just, it's just so hard to relive, you know, that moment.

[56] And I wish that I could have said a few things to him before he left.

[57] And, you know, those days will never come back.

[58] You know, I think when I was alone in the dark, I felt super sorry for myself, and then I started to resent baseball.

[59] And then I thought, I just can't imagine what would happen if somebody found out about me. And I just, without talking to my parents or my brother or Brad Osmus, my roommate, you know, who's giving me a hard time about that choice all the time.

[60] like, how could you not believe that we would care about you?

[61] I just thought it would be better if I just skipped out.

[62] And, you know, I just saw Trevor and Ochi at winter meetings and, you know, grabbed a meal with Brad and, you know, we laugh.

[63] But then I think when I'm in the mix, there's a sense of disappointment.

[64] And those guys have had, you know, two Hall of Fame careers.

[65] and a guy's a manager in the big leagues after playing 18 years.

[66] Those are great success stories, and I'm so happy for them.

[67] And I just wonder, like, if I wouldn't have given up on myself, what I might have been able to accomplish.

[68] And those relationships, Israel, were so important to me that I was afraid to test what they would be like if someone knew all about me. And I know that you can relate to that.

[69] And maybe part of my life, life journey allows someone like you to not wait till it was too late and how many people you touch in this world with your message, with your voice and with your what you're passionate about.

[70] And it makes me, it fills me with joy.

[71] Maybe it was selfish.

[72] I've met when my story came out and all of a sudden, you know, people were interested in who I was.

[73] I met so many people that were in their 60s that had grown children and had known that they were gay from the age of 10 or 15.

[74] If I'd had one or two conversations with someone in our community, I would not have gotten married, but I never had that conversation.

[75] I thought the only value I have is to be like everybody else.

[76] People that you loved and meant so much to you growing up are the same as mine and what their value system I owned that and I wanted that for me and and I didn't believe that I deserve the same so we were actually my my influence of Billy like I I was leaving high school when you when you came out and I was going to college and I was going away on my own for the first time and I was going to this scary place where I knew I was going to be at parties and I knew I was going to be these places with all these guys and I was like man there's somebody who who's done this and you were the first person and I was like wow that's entirely different and so I just kind of packed it away and I think as I kept going your name is always just a source of just light and just an ability and I didn't even know any of your details obviously before that sorry about this and so it leads me to my question about role models and the need for visibility and not saying, hey, you know, pulling these guys out of the closet.

[77] It's unbelievable that I have been watching you on television for 10 years and not know what you just, you know, said, because I felt invisible and like I let a lot of people down.

[78] If I would have had any kind of conversation, you know, going through school or something, even if it just kept me in a place where I, I was clear about who I am, I would have not hurt so many people by trying to please everybody.

[79] There's not enough days in the rest of my life, you know, that are going to allow me to let go of some of those times.

[80] And, you know, I feel like I've said yes to every single request since I've been here and I'm not tired yet because I was, I had a lot of, you know, frustration pent up for a long time and I'm super grateful to be to be in a position to keep the conversation going I was comfortable even though I was so sad I was comfortable with the way I was viewed by the people from the outside you know if there's anything I can tell people is that once you do shine a light on your life and you just stop lying about things the quality and the depth of your relationships your friendships you know I was so guarded with my partner when he was alive and I he was way better to me that I was and I wish I could tell him thank you and you know my brother you know wanted to live with me when I was playing for the Padres and he was in San Diego State and for three years I told him no like he felt like I didn't love him And I hate that so much, you know, just, you know, when people wonder, like, why is it so important, you know, they just, I wish they could just feel for a day what it's like to deny everything that matters to you and in hopes that people will like you, you know?

[81] And then what's the hard part is you end up really pushing away, like I can tell how much you love your sisters, you know, and that you lost.

[82] some time with them and they missed out on some amazing moments and that you could have enriched their life with your life experience you know and now hopefully you've made up for lost time but those that exact feeling of like I thought I was everything for you you know and then by our choices it's saying otherwise and and but in reality they are and you didn't want to alter the way that they felt about you and so it sounds a little complicated but um this billy bean conversation that you had uh illuminates for me that at the end of his life uh small soothing though it may be he ended up in a place where he was actually able to live his passions more freely he got a great deal of identity late life from the work he was doing for Major League Baseball, in Major League Baseball, to be supportive of inspiration that people needed?

[83] I hope so.

[84] I hope he got that feeling.

[85] I don't think there's necessarily that feeling of fulfillment because, I mean, like I think he said there, I know he was talking personally.

[86] He said, I don't think I'll live enough to make up for some of the things that he regrets.

[87] But I also think that he probably wanted to see more people out.

[88] I would think he wanted to see more a different, you know, sports scene than he saw when he played.

[89] And it's pretty similar now.

[90] But I think the message that I hear the loudest is just that, like the idea that he felt invisible.

[91] Like, are you kidding me?

[92] Like, you made the major leagues for one.

[93] And you did it hiding this great secret, this big secret.

[94] And then when you come out, like, he changed my life.

[95] But you feel invisible.

[96] Like, that's how powerful this sort of overreaching, overriding, like, Like, just feeling of doom is because you're just like, well, nobody's going to like me. And it was just so relatable to hear.

[97] And I'm not crying because of that.

[98] I'm crying because he passed away.

[99] And it's just so sad that he didn't get to do even more, that he was only 60 years old.

[100] Yeah, I wasn't aware of your relationship, man, in that footage.

[101] And I'm sorry that you went through that loss.

[102] It seems as though, like, even though I don't know how deep your relationship went beyond that bit of content, but it seems as though you guys struck up quite the connection in that moment.

[103] So I'm sorry for your loss, Izzy.

[104] It was like, we was only supposed to talk for 20 minutes.

[105] I think we ended up talking for like 70 minutes.

[106] And, you know, we both cried a little bit, as you could see.

[107] But, yeah, I think that idea of, you know, the way he said it at the end, they're giving up everything you believe in just so other people would like you.

[108] Like, that's basically what that's like, especially when you're in an environment like sports where you just think the worst of everybody around you in terms of this, right?

[109] Stugatia for my friends over at SimplySafe, if you're like me, you're constantly thinking about the safety of the people and things you value most.

[110] After a friend told me about a break -in in his home in which many of his most valuable possessions were stolen, I knew I needed to secure my home with the best.

[111] I've trusted SimplySafe to protect my home for six years now, and the level of security and customer care has been incredible.

[112] I sleep better every night knowing SimplySafe's 24 -7 monitoring agents are standing by to protect me and my home.

[113] They'll also send emergency help when I need it most.

[114] I want you to have the same piece of mind that I had so many listeners experience every day.

[115] Which is why I partner with SimplySafe to offer listeners 20 % off a system.

[116] Just visit Simplysafe .com slash DLB.

[117] What I love most is that SimplySafe just keeps getting better.

[118] Protect your home this summer with 20 % off any new SimplySafe system.

[119] When you sign up for Fast Protect monitoring, just visit Simplysafe .com slash DLB.

[120] That's simplysafe .com slash DLB.

[121] there's no save like simply safe.