#1426 - Justin Martindale

[0] I'm not supposed to smoke in my building, so.

[1] They don't let you smoke weed in your building.

[2] What kind of fucking arcade building?

[3] Oh, yeah.

[4] That makes sense.

[5] We can't do things that are legal anymore.

[6] But you can smoke cigarettes in your building, right?

[7] No, no, no, no. No. Oh, you have a smoke -free building?

[8] Yeah.

[9] Health conscious.

[10] Mm -hmm.

[11] Well, I get that kind of, if you say no cigarettes, you kind of have to say no weed, too.

[12] But cigarette smoke stays, like, that gets in the walls and in the fabrics and all that stuff.

[13] Like the weed just kind of...

[14] For us.

[15] Right.

[16] But I think other people that don't smoke weed, they smell it.

[17] Yeah, and those people need to get out of California.

[18] I mean, you smell it everywhere you go now.

[19] I'm so numb to it.

[20] Everywhere.

[21] Everywhere.

[22] It makes me laugh when I can see a tourist.

[23] They're just like, oh, oh.

[24] It's so funny.

[25] It's so funny.

[26] My wife kind of gets that way, and she smokes weed.

[27] It's funny.

[28] But like, when we're with the kids, if we go somewhere, she's like, oh, lovely.

[29] Like, she'll smell it.

[30] Like, women are so funny.

[31] Like, when they have kids, all of sudden they get.

[32] get like real protective of everything.

[33] They want to, that's where conservative...

[34] Mama bear.

[35] Yep, yep, yep.

[36] You want to protect that dent.

[37] Oh, great.

[38] Out in public.

[39] I was doing it an hour ago.

[40] Yeah.

[41] It always makes me laugh like when it's in the morning and you're like, and you're like, shit, it's like 9 a .m. And someone's just smoking a blood outside of brunch.

[42] Well, yoga, there's this one dude that I go to yoga with, this old fella.

[43] And he has a van.

[44] And he parks his van right next to the yoga place.

[45] And he gets fucking.

[46] Blasted.

[47] Just hot box.

[48] Blasted.

[49] It's like a Cheech and Chong movie.

[50] He opens up that van and climbs into yoga class.

[51] You could see him just whacked out in class sometimes too.

[52] Hot box yoga?

[53] You could see him in class just like, he's in the middle of doing his yoga and like freaking out.

[54] Like, whir.

[55] I saw a guy in the steam room at the gym doing that.

[56] He was just like, ugh.

[57] And I was like, should I call someone?

[58] Well, he could be on anything.

[59] The steam room with the gym is a dangerous area.

[60] Like people are half naked and they get weird.

[61] Yeah, that steam makes you do crazy things.

[62] I just close my eyes and just meditate and try not to pay attention to the sounds going on.

[63] Also, like, everybody, it's like, you're just sitting there, right?

[64] So people get anxious, they get antsy, just sitting there.

[65] And then you get like those really aggressive breathers who are just like, oh, and you're like, was that a climax?

[66] What was that?

[67] That's annoying.

[68] Oh, by the way, hold on before you get.

[69] So five years ago, speaking of climax, five years ago, I came and did your podcast.

[70] Was it that long ago?

[71] It was five years ago, yeah.

[72] It was crazy.

[73] It was up and coming.

[74] God damn, it takes a long time.

[75] Out of a tool shed.

[76] Yeah, we were not far from here.

[77] Here we are.

[78] So, what do you got?

[79] That was last Valentine's Day.

[80] So I feel like I got you some Valentine's Day candy.

[81] Oh, hearts.

[82] I feel like we have a running theme here.

[83] Was it Valentine's Day last time?

[84] Yeah.

[85] No shit.

[86] It was.

[87] Wow.

[88] So this is the week of Valentine's so I get it.

[89] To Joe from Justin.

[90] It's so sweet.

[91] You know, you need more candy in your life.

[92] Weird candies, right?

[93] Because they only sell them because they're in the heart shape.

[94] Yeah.

[95] If they were stars, people are like, what the fuck kind of bullshit candy is that?

[96] Yeah.

[97] And they're probably filled with cyanide and horrible things for your body.

[98] I don't think so.

[99] So enjoy.

[100] I don't think so because they want to sell more.

[101] Yeah.

[102] Just a good old fashioned mess.

[103] Dude, did you see that fucking video of China where they're spraying disinfectant in the streets to try to kill the coronavirus?

[104] Jamie, it's on my, uh, is that bullshit?

[105] But they do that shit in Arkansas.

[106] Some of it's bullshit.

[107] Some of them are real, but some of them, I think.

[108] are not accurate videos I don't know I've seen it on a couple different spots online I've seen various ones Some of them look a little more egregious Let's pretend we're ignorant And we don't know any better But watch the video Because it's fucking bonkers man They're driving through the streets Spraying everything at street level The thing I saw going around before Which is you didn't They were spraying with drones They were using drones to actually do it And they're like flying around people It begins But see they do that in the south With mosquitoes Yes so it's kind of like that Fucking terrible for you too by the way If you ever breathe that shit in, if it kills mosquitoes, it'll kill you too.

[109] That fucking stuff is awful.

[110] All of our relatives are like, go play outside.

[111] We're like, is this safe?

[112] And they're like, yeah.

[113] It's just off.

[114] Dude, you know, let me, let's watch this real quick.

[115] Oh, fine.

[116] It's on my Twitter.

[117] Also, along with my man, Eddie Isard, is running 28 marathons in 28 days in 28 countries all through the month of February.

[118] All in drag.

[119] I have socks on my floor.

[120] So look at this.

[121] Look at this.

[122] Look how crazy this is, man. fucking people they're spraying shit out of cars they're walking on the street spraying buildings it's all disinfectant apparently this coronavirus they say can live outside of a host for three days so if you have like coronavirus on your hand you touch a railing that shit will exist outside of your body for three days which is very unusual that's like some parasite shit well it's this is what these doctors have been saying forever the one that died that's one Of them.

[123] But the doctors that studied at the CDC, Duncan and I went to the CDC down in Galveston, I think it is.

[124] And we were talking with these infectious disease experts.

[125] And we were all conspiracy theory like, we were like, you know, like, we were worried about like man -made viruses.

[126] And he goes, listen, you don't have to worry about man -made viruses.

[127] He goes, these motherfuckers are making them, they didn't.

[128] They didn't use a term motherfucker.

[129] Well, right.

[130] Well, he wanted to.

[131] Probably did.

[132] But he was saying, they make themselves.

[133] And they happen all the time.

[134] and we barely can keep up with them and it just takes one big giant one like the Spanish flu the crazy thing in Spanish flu was 1920 yeah this is 2020 so like every hundred years yeah I don't want to say before that was what like yellow fever or something there's probably some shit in the 1820s yeah like down in the south like the Carolinas and Georgia what was the pandemic in the 18 oh here's the drones Jesus army of drones deployed across China dispensed disinfectants see here's why I call that bullshit on that how much fucking disinfecting thinking they carry that little bullshit -ass drone they didn't get a kill you know what I mean they're so little that ain't gonna kill they can go refill and I love how it's this army of drones there's like three it's a bullshit ass arm calm down the thing them driving to the streets freaked me out more than anything yeah that's intense it is intense that's just like a a fog oh the other thing too that which was scary I think it was real there was a drone that followed a woman out of her house she didn't have a mask on and it was like ma 'am you're not you don't have a mask please go home go home You don't have, and that followed her home.

[135] In China?

[136] Like that, I can't translate, so I don't know if what it was saying was there, someone just made a video to be scary, but.

[137] This shit really is like a movie.

[138] It is.

[139] It's totally a movie.

[140] Because everyone's got to be locked down in their houses.

[141] They say kids are starving to death because they're locked in their houses and their parents are in the hospital.

[142] They just had like another, I think I got a notification last night that said there was like a guy in San Diego that's being treated.

[143] And I'm like, God.

[144] Yeah, it's just a matter of time Just let me do the Rogan podcast before I get Coronavirus, you know?

[145] Too late.

[146] Neither of us have it, I think.

[147] They say you're supposed to wash your hands a lot, but that was before they realized that it's transmitted through the air.

[148] I don't think that helps.

[149] What's going on?

[150] This is the lady?

[151] This drone is speaking to you.

[152] Could you imagine?

[153] She has no idea what's going on.

[154] She's so high.

[155] You shouldn't walk without wearing a mask.

[156] Yes, you better, bear home.

[157] Don't forget to wash your hands.

[158] She's got blue hair.

[159] She could also see someone fucking around to make a scary video.

[160] maybe but also could be real no drone as well it could be real I don't know why does you come outside without a mask hmm the snow will melt itself in a few months what a few months is that a haiku what is this stay at home with food and drinks why do you always come outside you can start this sounds this might be bullshit but it might be real I'm not I'm not feeling good about it it scares me man it's like these things absolutely can wipe out millions and millions of people before they can get a handle on it I had it um I was on a plane a couple weeks ago flying from New Orleans back here and I had this Viking woman behind me just open mouth coughing and I had I was like first of all no yeah second of all I had to turn around and say hey can you please cover your mouth and I had to do that to an adult woman and it made me feel weird some people are just fucking selfish just on a plane some people did they just don't care.

[161] They're just selfish.

[162] Yeah.

[163] Yeah.

[164] They don't even care that other people feel uncomfortable.

[165] They just like, I have to cough.

[166] Yeah, and you're going to all experience it.

[167] Yeah, some people, if they're sick, they want you to be sick.

[168] They don't, they're not happy.

[169] Malicious.

[170] And malignant.

[171] Asholes.

[172] Mm -hmm.

[173] I'm worried.

[174] Don't be.

[175] You know what I've been worried about a lot about lately is glyphosate.

[176] I've been reading into glyphosate.

[177] Same.

[178] What is that?

[179] You can't just glyphosate me?

[180] What is that?

[181] Roundup.

[182] It's a, it's a chemical that they use for, um, pesticide.

[183] Oh, for agriculture.

[184] And, uh, I was reading this whole thing about glyphosate and how toxic it is and how many people have gotten cancer from glyphosate and how often they use glyphosate on vegetables.

[185] Yeah.

[186] I'm like, motherfucker.

[187] That's why you have to wash your vegetables.

[188] I don't think of you want, yeah, it doesn't, it's all in there anyways.

[189] Here it is.

[190] As many as 85 ,000 glyphosate cancer lawsuit significantly closer settlement after federal trial suspended.

[191] Yeah, there's a lot of motherfuckers that got cancer from this shit.

[192] That's the roundup.

[193] That's the weed, the weed thing, right?

[194] Yeah.

[195] Kills your weeds.

[196] I think it kills pesticides.

[197] It's weed and, what does it say there?

[198] Scroll down.

[199] Scroll back up there?

[200] No, the actual image of the glass.

[201] Oh, God damn it, these pop -ups.

[202] What does it say?

[203] It says weed and grass killer?

[204] Okay, so it is, it's not a pesticide.

[205] It's just for weeds.

[206] Yeah.

[207] But I bet it kills pests too Oh, it kills everything But they're Apparently A lot of people that are gardeners And that are working on Golf courses Golf courses apparently Get it a lot Because you know They spray that shit everywhere Because we want everything to just be grass But does it leave like a brown spot No I don't know how the fuck it kills the weeds And doesn't kill the grass Yeah that is I'm googling too There are other stories that are going around But Eve people The FDA reaffirms that glyphosate does not cause cancer.

[208] Don't worry, folks.

[209] Just drink it.

[210] There was a guy...

[211] Oh, yeah.

[212] Just drink it.

[213] There was a guy at a press conference.

[214] He was saying, I could drink this glass of glyphosate.

[215] And it wouldn't do me any harm.

[216] Some guy goes, drink it.

[217] And he didn't drink it.

[218] Of course, of course he didn't drink it.

[219] Yeah, he's full of shit.

[220] Talk the talk.

[221] Talk is cheap, you fuck.

[222] That glyphosate stuff.

[223] It's like, look, these weeds are supposed to be there, man. They're supposed to grow along with everything else.

[224] That's how it's supposed to work.

[225] You can't decide what shit.

[226] You got it's supposed to pluck those weeds.

[227] That's what I was going to say.

[228] Just pull them out.

[229] Yeah, you fucking lazy bitch.

[230] Oh, thank God.

[231] But if you have a garden, you can pluck your weeds.

[232] But if you have a gigantic monocrop agriculture farm, and 6 ,000 acres of corn or alfalfa or some shit, can't really.

[233] Glyphosate or pluck it.

[234] You can't really spray that bitch.

[235] I don't know, man. I just, whenever something happens like this coronavirus thing, I get worried about all kinds of stuff.

[236] I start worrying about all kinds of weird fucking.

[237] and toxins, chemicals, you know?

[238] Does that make sense?

[239] Yeah.

[240] Well, that's when I always, I think about that all the time.

[241] Do you?

[242] I do.

[243] Well, like, I grew up in the South, so it's like, I remember, like, crop dusters, like, flying over, and I remember...

[244] To kill mosquitoes, right?

[245] Yeah, well, the mosquitoes, and then the actual, like, planes that would come over and just dump everything.

[246] And then I look up, and then I start thinking about chem trails.

[247] And this is just a Tuesday.

[248] You know, but I think about, like, that shit, like, you know, when it rains and And then that stuff gets into the water supply.

[249] And then you're just like, oh, I got a Brita filter.

[250] But is it really, you know?

[251] This is another yoga guy that I know that teaches yoga.

[252] And he didn't know that you're not supposed to swim in the ocean right after the rain.

[253] What?

[254] In Los Angeles, apparently, it's super dangerous to get in that ocean.

[255] Yeah, because all the runoff, because the way L .A .'s system is, you know, the L .A. River and all that jazz, which is sort of a fake river.

[256] It's not even a river at all.

[257] And it's perfect for L .A. calling the L .A. River, the L .A. River.

[258] It is perfect when you look at it.

[259] It's like, oh, yeah, it's fake.

[260] It's perfect.

[261] It's literally just a concrete stream.

[262] Yeah.

[263] Yeah.

[264] Well, it's like a fucking gross drainage.

[265] It's just enormous.

[266] Well, when that bitch goes down into the ocean, it carries with it all the garbage, all the chemicals, all the streets, all that stuff.

[267] Needles.

[268] Yeah.

[269] And it's all in the water.

[270] And so when you go surfing right after that, you get really fucking sick.

[271] And he was telling me he got death.

[272] ill because he just didn't know any better he was just out there and he's from Argentina I guess where it's not as much of an issue there and he was in that water he got fucked up he said he was he was a wreck for like two weeks yeah that'll knock you out yeah I mean if you're well that's just gross just sewage stew yeah right just floating around at it it's just weird that they decided to make the L .A. River like I've never seen anything like that look at the L .A. River that's after that's after a That was this year?

[273] No, that was last year ago.

[274] January 19.

[275] Okay.

[276] Look at that motherfucker.

[277] Ugh.

[278] Just all condoms and poop.

[279] I'm listening.

[280] And fucking conorrhea.

[281] Well, that's what they did with the reservoir.

[282] They had to drain it because it was filled with shit.

[283] It was filled with shit and bodies and cars and stuff.

[284] It's like, well, they say so many people are on antidepressants and SSRIs and all that jazz that the water supply has a certain amount.

[285] of it in it because people flush and they flush and apparently some of the water that we use is actually recycled they take your piss water and they turn it around did you know that nope but now I do yeah I don't know if it's everywhere drinking some places you're basically drinking recycled piss water yeah mm -hmm essential have you ever seen that giant tube it's basically an aqueduct but it's like a big pipe it's like hundreds of miles long that's how we get our water here I've actually seen it in person Yeah, someone walked it I think recently There's a video I saw, but I've seen it in person It's crazy I think it goes through Tohone Ranch It's an enormous pipe Yeah So what have we learned This Valentine's Day Everything's trash Is today Valentine's Day?

[286] No, it's Friday I think yeah People are just not supposed to live That stacked on top of each other We're supposed to live in small villages In the woods With just enough food I'm down for that I want a tiny home.

[287] Do you?

[288] You want one of them little mobile things?

[289] Yeah, a little tiny home in the woods.

[290] Really?

[291] With a fire pit out front.

[292] Could you survive in the woods?

[293] Probably not, but I have a lesbian friend.

[294] Yeah.

[295] Her name's Denise.

[296] Lesbian friends are good.

[297] The ones with those Patagonia vests.

[298] Oh, yeah.

[299] Every carabiner.

[300] I mean, she's on survival mode 24 -7.

[301] We have earthquake drills every day.

[302] Really?

[303] Not really.

[304] Does she stay in your building?

[305] She's in the building, yeah.

[306] Oh, okay.

[307] Yeah, she's my alpha.

[308] Does she keep food?

[309] Oh, yeah.

[310] Really?

[311] Can, preserves.

[312] Oh, okay.

[313] Storage.

[314] You know you're going deep when you have that fucking preacher food.

[315] You know, that stuff like that Jim, Jim Baker was selling?

[316] Oh, God.

[317] Did you ever see that?

[318] It makes sense.

[319] But it was it just like, it's almost like spam but can live for.

[320] It's like buckets of this gruel.

[321] Bucket gruel.

[322] But he, in Jim Baker's show, he used it as like the base of a, like a table.

[323] Like he's like, you could use it underneath your table.

[324] This is how you could get, like, your kitchen table, and he's got, like, these stacks of this stuff, and then they were sitting on it.

[325] Like, you could use it as a stool.

[326] Like, so, like, your house is filled with, like, survivor food.

[327] Yeah.

[328] So in case the shit goes down, it's everywhere in your house.

[329] You just have to open up one of these buckets.

[330] Did you ever see that video, Jamie?

[331] Bucket rule.

[332] There's a smash cut video of it.

[333] Right, who made the smash cut?

[334] Vic Burger did.

[335] That's right.

[336] That's right.

[337] Yeah, it's a Vic Burger smash cut.

[338] It's fucking hilarious.

[339] because Vic Burger makes a bunch of very funny internet videos as it is.

[340] But as you're watching Jim Baker, and this is the same Jim Baker from the old days when Jessica Hahn and he had an affair.

[341] See, all this stuff is the shit he's selling.

[342] This is stacked.

[343] Look, he's got it all up the stairs and shit.

[344] It stacks of survival food.

[345] You told me to do this.

[346] Look at this.

[347] Shovel Get a shovel These are foldable shovels It'll go in your backpack This is how you get Jim Baker You ain't wearing a fucking backpack Yeah Look at these guys They're like really So he was banging Jessica Han And then Sam Kinnison wound up banging Jessica Han And then Oh look he's just digging in there and eating it Look you can eat He's like this is so good He's eating in handfuls that What is that he's eating And he's coming out of his mouth Into the bucket Oh Jesus Christ Jim.

[348] Literally.

[349] He looks weird.

[350] Yeah.

[351] He doesn't look like the same guy.

[352] That's Tammy Faye's ex -husband.

[353] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[354] She's dead now.

[355] Yeah, well, isn't he too?

[356] She died from Diet Coke.

[357] Well, I think she had some of that new bulk sampler.

[358] She died from Diet Coke?

[359] I think they said she drank like a hundred cans of Diet Coke a day and she got brain cancer.

[360] Southern people love that.

[361] Oh my God.

[362] That's what it looks like when it's cooked.

[363] That will keep you alive, of Justin Martindale.

[364] Look at that.

[365] Imagine eating that.

[366] And you're fucking mixing all that together.

[367] Like, what's in there?

[368] Diarrhea.

[369] That's definitely what's in there.

[370] Diarrhea and nacho cheese.

[371] That's like that's like queso from Texas.

[372] No, how dare you, sir?

[373] Real, real cheesy casso.

[374] I miss Texas casso.

[375] Yeah, I was just there.

[376] That's good.

[377] I was just in Houston.

[378] Where are you?

[379] When?

[380] Yeah, I was there two weeks ago.

[381] Oh, I was there two days ago.

[382] Oh, okay.

[383] Yeah.

[384] I was there Saturday night for the UFC, Friday and Saturday.

[385] Oh, right, right, right.

[386] Yeah.

[387] But that, um...

[388] That kick.

[389] Oh, that was a good kick.

[390] Which one?

[391] The, I don't know their names.

[392] The girl did that roundoff kick to the other one.

[393] Oh, that was?

[394] Oh, that was?

[395] Yeah, that's Valentina Shevchenko.

[396] I'm trying.

[397] Yeah.

[398] She fought this weekend.

[399] I'm gonna get called a fag in all the comments now.

[400] Oh, how dare they?

[401] It's okay.

[402] It's the only reason I'm here.

[403] What is that cheese stuff, though?

[404] That cheese that, you know, that cheese that's like, it's like watery?

[405] it's not really cheese what do they call it?

[406] Government cheese No no no no no no it's like a You could squirt it Squirtes You know easy cheese Yeah but it's like Cheese Whiz Is it cheese whiz Is that what it is?

[407] The one in the tube Yeah yeah it depends on which company You're buying from I'm not think I don't think I'm thinking about that though There's a type of like liquidy cheese That people would put on nachos And stuff like that Do you know what I'm talking about?

[408] I don't it's nacho cheese I don't fuck I've never known But it's melted It's like liquidy cheese but that's what that Jim Baker gruel looks like that he was serving up people.

[409] But that's a big thing with preachers, right?

[410] They always want to prepare you for the apocalypse with food.

[411] Yeah, because they're causing it.

[412] Yeah.

[413] That's what they do.

[414] Well, it's like, I don't want to be a prepper, but I think you probably should have some food at your house.

[415] You should be ready for a couple of weeks.

[416] I know.

[417] Should be ready for a couple weeks.

[418] And they have these things where you fill your bathtub up.

[419] it's like a bladder that you put in your bathtub and then you fill your bathtub up with water so you always have water because if the shit goes down if it really lasts for a couple weeks you're going to need some water that makes sense yeah it's really going to make sense i just have bags of boxed wine in my fridge that's all that'll help i'm ready to go listen people used to live off wine yeah yeah they used to call it travel it would prevent travelers disease because uh they just kill everything because if you get water from a lake or Right?

[420] Like, that water's got all kinds of garbage in it, right?

[421] Like, if you get water from a lake, you're drinking a bunch of different bacteria and parasites and different, I mean, even if it's a clear lake, you're really not supposed to drink the water unless you're above a certain altitude.

[422] Like, I was in Alaska and I was with these guys and we were hunting and they told us we could drink this water because above, you know, 8 ,000 feet or whatever, beavers don't live.

[423] That's what you have to worry about.

[424] You have to worry about beaver fever.

[425] They call it beaver fever.

[426] It's Jardia.

[427] It's a different beaver fever than guys get at clubs.

[428] It's a different beaver fever.

[429] Or Denise, yeah.

[430] Or Denise.

[431] She gets that beaver fever.

[432] Always.

[433] Just to polish up her Patagonia jacket.

[434] Put on her best but truly, a little bit behind the ears will do you.

[435] A little musk.

[436] Yeah.

[437] Why is it that lesbians have never been able to form a proper neighborhood?

[438] But gay guys can do it in almost every town.

[439] Hmm.

[440] I feel like gay guys push the lesbians out.

[441] You think so?

[442] But lesbians are smarter because they'll form their own tribe.

[443] Yeah, but they never develop like Boys Town is legendary, right?

[444] It's like it's.

[445] It is.

[446] It's a gay five blocks of gay, right?

[447] I call it home.

[448] That's your spot.

[449] But if you think about it, there's no lesbian equivalent anywhere on earth that I know of.

[450] Is there like a legitimate lesbian community where it's only lesbians and they get together and do lesbian things and wear cowboy hats, yeah, yeah, they have their own, I mean, that's the thing.

[451] I feel like guys are more, they want to be in charge more, where lesbians can kind of just form their own little side neighborhoods.

[452] They don't need the credit, you know what I mean?

[453] But do they?

[454] No. But people would know.

[455] They had like a legit lesbian neighborhood, like Girls Town?

[456] People would know.

[457] But would you want to go to Girls Town?

[458] Oh, yeah.

[459] I think that's the problem.

[460] That's the thing.

[461] I think guys.

[462] We're going to go to girls town.

[463] Guys go there and they ruin it.

[464] I'm an ally and they meet next door and they just fucking act like, can I help you with your trash?

[465] Hey, they want to fuck away from me. Exactly.

[466] Are you sure you're gay?

[467] Come on.

[468] Yeah, they get that a lot.

[469] There's a lot of, like, um, there's a lot of like little organizations.

[470] Like, I have a lesbian friends that do a thing called babes on bikes where they like, Yeah.

[471] And they go travel and.

[472] That's cool.

[473] Yeah.

[474] That's cool.

[475] And they go, Hiking and camping and all that stuff.

[476] Would it be fair to compare lesbians to cats and gay folks to dogs?

[477] Gay men to dogs.

[478] Like, dogs like to congregate in packs.

[479] But dogs like to be in packs.

[480] I know, but dogs are loyal.

[481] No, they're not.

[482] Not sexual.

[483] Well, I don't know how many dogs you're fucking...

[484] Dogs will fucking hump your leg, then it'll hump Jamie's leg.

[485] Oh, that's true.

[486] Yeah, they'll fuck everything.

[487] But I feel like cats will just be...

[488] Cats will just like, ugh, and they'll just get out of here.

[489] That's true, too.

[490] Very temperamental, very sociopathic.

[491] But they don't like to live in like a big pack, like the lesbians.

[492] Does this make sense?

[493] That does make sense.

[494] I think I'm on to something.

[495] Yeah, I'm going to lose sleep tonight.

[496] People always say men are dogs.

[497] But dogs are loyal.

[498] They're loyal, but men are loyal.

[499] They're just not that loyal sexually.

[500] Right.

[501] But they're loyal to each other.

[502] Good friends.

[503] My best friends are all men.

[504] I mean, I have girl, female friends.

[505] But if I need some shit, if I need, like, I'm calling Brian Callan.

[506] Like, I'm calling a male friend, you know.

[507] There's a difference, I think.

[508] I feel like gay guys are probably dogs and lesbians are wolves.

[509] Whoa.

[510] Dude, that's dangerous.

[511] Yeah.

[512] Them wolves are circling.

[513] They eat dogs.

[514] You've got your alphas and your betas and they all just know their plays.

[515] Wolves eat dogs, you know.

[516] Yeah.

[517] Do you think lesbians eat gay guys?

[518] Oh, totally every day.

[519] In fact, five are being eaten right now as we speak.

[520] viciously.

[521] Have you ever heard of a lesbian and a gay guy getting together and deciding they're both straight?

[522] Yeah, they're in the South.

[523] It's called conversion therapy.

[524] Does that work?

[525] No. No. Has it any worked on anybody?

[526] I feel like that was in a documentary somewhere where it's like, pray the gay away.

[527] Well, you have like a, yeah, pray the gayway.

[528] It's like, I met my beautiful wife.

[529] Oh, right.

[530] And she was a lesbian and I was a gay man. And then it like cuts to him tapping his shoe under a bathroom stall.

[531] Yeah.

[532] Yeah.

[533] That's sad shit, man. It is weird.

[534] It's just brainwashing.

[535] Well, it's just weird because those guys that do it, I read an article about this man who went sort of undercover to one of these pray the gay away camps.

[536] He was talking about this counselor who was literally sitting behind him, like holding him during this ceremony with a boner.

[537] And the guy had a bone that pressed up against his butt.

[538] You could feel the guy's boner.

[539] And he was like, what in the fucking Sam Hill?

[540] Yeah, the Sam Hell.

[541] I always want to say that.

[542] What's the Sam Hill?

[543] Thanks Sean Elliott.

[544] what in the Sam Hill It's the new porn parody of Tombstone Tombone That's some sad shit though man It's still a thing Well it would be just for men that aren't gay To understand what it was like Imagine if there was like gay conversion therapy Where people were saying like God wants you to be gay And you've got to stop hooking up with all these ladies And we're gonna get together And we're just gonna pray that gay into you We're gonna put on some Moulon Rouge sound track we're gonna all dress up like share dim the lights lock the doors and we're gonna get this party started yeah yeah it's fucking it's a ruthless thing man it's a weird thing that for whatever reason society has it's taken so long particularly in this country for people to accept it that this is still up for debate with some people whether or not gay people should be allowed to be married oh yeah for sure did you see the woman of the the god it went viral it was a lady who was uh pro pete buddhajudge to for president yes and then she was like what he's gay oh well no it's like do you see if you find that can you find that can we play it or we'll be get in trouble you probably can't play it why would you get in trouble we get pulled off of youtube there's uh copyrights on those so that they own the clip and so they want other people to go to their page to have the clip so we put it on our page to We need to pray the copy right away.

[545] That's what we need to do.

[546] That's what we need to do.

[547] Yeah, some.

[548] Yeah, she was like, what?

[549] He's gay.

[550] Give me that fucking vote back.

[551] Get out of here.

[552] I had a woman.

[553] God, what was this?

[554] I was doing a gig somewhere out of town.

[555] And afterwards, we had the meet and greet, and she came up and she's like, I really thought you were really funny.

[556] And I was like, thank you.

[557] And she's like, I didn't even care if you were gay.

[558] I'm like, okay.

[559] I didn't even care.

[560] I still laughed.

[561] My job is done.

[562] I still laugh I still laughed And that's always How I've been It's disgusting Yeah And you made me laugh through that So I don't talk about it Yeah I'm like It doesn't define who I am Right It shouldn't No It should I mean I you know I just can't believe That it's still such an issue Unless they're trying to fuck you What do you care Like why do you care Yeah The most interesting thing About Pete Buttigieg is that it's not that he's gay that's the least interesting thing about him yeah he's a very like basic yeah it's just very but it's like that's what the reason why he's the guy is because he checks a lot of these progressive boxes and he's also got a shitload of people donating to him here it is he's married to him what I mean are you saying he has the same sex partner look at her look she looks like a Woodchuck.

[563] She should be concerned about her diabetes.

[564] Are you kidding me?

[565] I don't want anybody like that in the White House.

[566] Yeah, but also like, this is what breaks my heart is this woman's clearly doing her job.

[567] And then she has her son with her.

[568] And she's like, no, but I'm raising my son to be open -minded because I'm a Christian as well and love is love.

[569] And that's what we need more of is when people cherry pick the Bible like a Jim Baker who's like, you know, or even our amazing Christian commander in chief where it's like in the Bible the man and you're a woman then.

[570] It's just, yeah, it's just sad.

[571] It's just like I, in the Bible it says this and it's like, well in the Bible it says, you can always counter go against what the Bible says from a different verse.

[572] It's like it doesn't say to eat shrimp or pork or anything like that, but you know, I'll see half these people in a Chili's buffet, you know, just going to town.

[573] Yeah, eating a lot of shellfish.

[574] You imagine if you got all the way up to heaven?

[575] No. And God was like, uh, look, I don't care about guys fucking guys.

[576] All that clams.

[577] You guys are assholes.

[578] It says in the fucking Bible, don't eat clams.

[579] Why did you eat clams?

[580] Did you read what I said?

[581] It was Marty girl.

[582] I couldn't help myself.

[583] Why are you wearing two different kinds of cloth?

[584] You don't wear two different kinds of cloth.

[585] I know.

[586] That's in the fucking Bible.

[587] And that's the gayest thing, too.

[588] Like if God, if I did my whole job on earth and I got to heaven and God was like, girl, two kinds of cloth.

[589] I'm like, wait, what?

[590] No. Back to hell, you go.

[591] Well, also, the Bible's clearly seen the hand of man. I'm sure there was probably some things that people had figured out, whether it's from psychedelic experiences or what have you, that they had, there's some core tenants.

[592] We should treat each other as if, you know, these are our brothers and sisters.

[593] Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

[594] Don't steal, don't murder, all that stuff.

[595] We can keep together and live in peace.

[596] Yeah.

[597] And then people got a hold of it.

[598] Exactly.

[599] They got the greasy little mitts on it.

[600] Mm -hmm.

[601] I think the shellfish and the clove and hoof shit, like with pork, like that is in the Torah or the...

[602] What a great word, clove and hoof.

[603] Yeah.

[604] Well, you're not an animal with a cloven hoof that eats its cud.

[605] They're like pork.

[606] You're not supposed to eat pork.

[607] But that's probably because they had trick of no. Moses.

[608] But this woman soes, she's a witch.

[609] And what the fuck happened with Noah?

[610] How did Noah, like, what was he doing up there?

[611] He was doing drugs?

[612] No. I mean, for sure.

[613] He was doing drugs?

[614] Yeah, they were all doing drugs.

[615] Moses was doing drugs?

[616] Yeah.

[617] They were all doing drugs.

[618] I guarantee you.

[619] I think that's probably the root of most of these religious experiences.

[620] Those guys found mushrooms.

[621] They were tripping balls.

[622] They came back with some really loosely put together commandment that they got from God.

[623] Like Moses, when he came down from the mountain, in Jerusalem, the Jerusalem scholars now believe that the burning bush that talked to God, or talked to Moses, was the acacia tree, which is a tree that's rich in DMT.

[624] So they believe this thing of a burning bush was actually them smoking this plant and having these psychedelic experiences and talking to it.

[625] And talking to God.

[626] Word.

[627] Makes sense, right?

[628] That's cool.

[629] What about Job and the whale?

[630] That's always confused to me. A good one, right?

[631] Yeah, 40, or was it, 40 days in the belly of a whale?

[632] Maybe Job's full shit.

[633] How about that?

[634] I would think so.

[635] Maybe Job was like a, you know, like a beloved guy, and everybody's like, I don't want to believe he's lying to me. Jonah was the...

[636] Oh, Jonah.

[637] Jonah in the way.

[638] Who's Job?

[639] Joe, like, worked.

[640] He had something to do with working.

[641] Oh, he's a worker.

[642] He has his own book.

[643] It's the book of Job.

[644] Grew up in the South.

[645] Didn't pay attention in Bible class.

[646] I'm sorry.

[647] And look how I turned out.

[648] When I lived...

[649] Large family.

[650] He had a large family.

[651] Oh, great story.

[652] And then the woman...

[653] And then Lott's wife, when she turned.

[654] around and turned into salt.

[655] Sure.

[656] Well, she fucked up.

[657] Yeah.

[658] That was her fault.

[659] Well, how about, I mean, listen, how about Adam and Eve?

[660] How about, how weird is that one?

[661] And Lilith.

[662] That dirty bitch wanted to eat that apple.

[663] She did.

[664] And, you know, she didn't want to listen.

[665] Which they said the apple was a pomegranate?

[666] They said the apple could have been a pomegranate, yeah, because it's the fruit of life because it has so many antioxidants in it.

[667] There's another theory that the apple is actually the term apple is actually based on the color red and that it actually represented the amnita muscaria mushroom which was the mushroom that they believe Christianity was based on in the first place.

[668] There's a book called The Sacred Mushroom in the Cross by a guy named John Marco Allegro who was an ordained minister.

[669] Yeah, see that is an original fresco from some France.

[670] See, there is 13th century fresco depicting Adamity and a tree of knowledge.

[671] so that's mushrooms and that mushroom is a mushroom called the aminida muscaria the aminida muscaria is a really cool looking mushroom that you can find one in colorado recently what colorado yeah you can find them growing wow are they that are they big like that yeah they're pretty well those obviously are exaggerated those are really tall no it's the bible nothing's exaggerated stop it that's really cool I never even thought about that the sacred mushroom in the cross go to the cover of the sacred mushroom in the cross you could see the uh the image the um of this mushroom and you realize, like, oh, that thing looks a lot like Santa Claus.

[672] Like, it's red and white.

[673] Yeah.

[674] And there's a lot of weird parallels with Santa Claus.

[675] The mushroom grows under coniferous trees, like pine trees.

[676] What?

[677] There's a micro -rizo relationship with carniferous trees.

[678] And it grows, like, almost instantaneously.

[679] And that looks like a pomegranate.

[680] It does, sure.

[681] It looks like an apple, too.

[682] It does.

[683] Yeah.

[684] So that book is.

[685] a really weird book.

[686] It's hard to follow.

[687] It's really complicated.

[688] But the book is essentially saying, this guy, John Marco Allegro, he studied the Dead Sea Scrolls for 14 years.

[689] And his conclusion, he was one of the people that was on the committee to decipher the Dead Sea Scrolls from Aramaic to English.

[690] And after 14 years, his conclusion was that the entire Christian religion was a gigantic misunderstanding.

[691] And what it really was about was the consumption of psychedelic mushrooms and fertility rituals.

[692] Whoa.

[693] And that he...

[694] Which pagan.

[695] Yeah.

[696] Take it all back to paganism, which we're not supposed to celebrate.

[697] But we are.

[698] But we are.

[699] Christmas.

[700] It was a pagan holiday.

[701] They had to move a bunch of the holidays to coincide with pagan holidays just to get pagan people on board.

[702] Yeah.

[703] You know what it was, which blew my mind.

[704] It came out like 10 years ago.

[705] Was that zeitgeist video about Christmas and everything and Jesus and everything?

[706] And I was just like, whoa.

[707] I had no idea.

[708] Check that out.

[709] That's, if you haven't.

[710] That's really good.

[711] It's, when you stop and think about how long people have been telling the story of Jesus and how weird it's gotten over the years and how many times it's been distorted and twisted and changed and turned from ancient Hebrew, I mean the original Bible, the Old Testament, ancient Hebrew, and then they converted it to Latin and Greek and then English and then the New Testament and then, oh, it's so hard.

[712] And then God's going to punish you and bring you to hell if you don't follow these words.

[713] But they're all so screwy.

[714] You're supposed to believe in all this nonsense.

[715] Like people coming back from the dead, there's John Marker Olegro.

[716] So the Dead Sea Scrolls were found in this.

[717] It's a crazy story because they were found in Qumran, which is in Israel.

[718] And they found them in these caves.

[719] And they were in these clay pots.

[720] And they were made out of animal skins.

[721] They were written on animal skins.

[722] and they actually had to do DNA tests on the animal skin so they could line up the pieces with the ones that or from the same animal so they can make this sort of assumption that this all was one piece because a lot of it was all broken up.

[723] So they had to put it all back together again and try to figure out what it all meant.

[724] And he came up with this one theory that the word Christ, it comes from an ancient Sumerian word, which means a mushroom covered in God's semen.

[725] what yes not semen it's come the rain the rain was come oh man the rain was like god's semen and then these mushrooms had come out of the ground right after the rain right because you know you've seen like when it rains the next day these mushrooms are huge yeah they're massive yeah well they eat them they trip balls and they think that it's coming from god and so so everyone's all the stories in the bible were essentially about them trying to hide these mushroom rituals in allegories and parables and all these different stories that made sense to them but wouldn't make sense to their conquerors like the Romans.

[726] Whoa.

[727] Because I mean I feel like after a big rainstorm because those mushrooms pop out of the ground really fast.

[728] So they probably, they don't have TV.

[729] They don't have Instagram.

[730] So they're probably like, whoa, these weren't here like two days ago.

[731] Let's try them out.

[732] Well, you ever talked to Duncan Trussel about when he used to live in Asheville?

[733] No. When he used to live in Asheville, they'd actually spray things on the manure to keep the mushrooms from growing because so many psilocybin mushrooms grew in the manure out there and they even added things to the cows diet and they were trying to everything to kill these mushrooms because these college kids, Duncan, Duncan Trussell and his buddies would go out to the fields and there would be fucking mushrooms everywhere.

[734] Because, you know, Asheville, North Carolina is like great environment.

[735] Yeah, humid and moist and everything's green and lush.

[736] These cows just fucking lay turds and these mushrooms would grow out of them and they would all, these kids would trip balls.

[737] Yeah.

[738] And Duncan talks with, with great fondness of his college days, just going out into the fields and find mushrooms, and they would all just trip their fucking balls off.

[739] Just sit out in the field and do it.

[740] Overnight, like, it rains.

[741] And then the next day, you go out in the morning and it's like fucking five pounds of mushrooms just floating around.

[742] Oh.

[743] Good times.

[744] Good times.

[745] That's next.

[746] That's next for decriminalization.

[747] Mushrooms?

[748] Yeah.

[749] That's next.

[750] They're going to make that happen.

[751] They're going to make it happen.

[752] It's already decriminalized.

[753] Colorado.

[754] My friend Shad Evans was here yesterday.

[755] He was talking about it.

[756] I think they're going to pull that off in California as well.

[757] They have to.

[758] Just even for microdosing.

[759] If you could just get everyone to microdose, the world would be so much better.

[760] I feel like that's the new trend right now.

[761] I hear that all the time.

[762] Everyone's just like, I just microdose.

[763] I've done it a bunch of times.

[764] I know somebody who microdose is acid.

[765] I'm like, shit.

[766] A lot of guys in Silicon Valley do.

[767] That's crazy.

[768] Yeah.

[769] They think it keeps all their negative chatter at bay.

[770] I had a buddy of mine who was just here the other day, microdosis.

[771] He says he takes it every three or four days.

[772] That's his thing?

[773] No, no, no. Mushrooms.

[774] Like the little capsules, the little pills?

[775] Yeah, they grind it up.

[776] They grind up the mushrooms, and he'll take one capsule every three or four days, and he says it just keeps negativity out of his head, keeps them positive, keeps him healthy.

[777] See, that makes sense.

[778] Yeah.

[779] A lot of fighters are into it now.

[780] Yeah.

[781] I feel like that's what they did with weed.

[782] It's like, I just feel like, uh, Especially now in California, I just feel like more people are just kind of chill with it.

[783] You know what I mean?

[784] I just remember like, I can't even go back to like back in the day of like, I got a joint, let's go smoke it in the car.

[785] Like, shut up, shut up.

[786] Hold on.

[787] The car's driving by.

[788] Especially if you were traveling.

[789] Joey Diaz, there's a famous film of, we went to Austin, Texas, and Joey Diaz used to hide the weed under his balls.

[790] And he's on the Alex Jones show talking about how he hides weed is under his balls.

[791] And it's there now.

[792] It's probably stuck there somewhere He probably forgot about it But he used to That's what he used to do He used to take a little baggie Put his weed in a baggie Zip it up and tuck it under his balls And his underwear God that's crazy Yeah you had to You had to be careful Yeah I knew guys that would put it in coffee Yeah Coffee and then now you just Have a bag of gummies And you're like whatever They don't even know what it is I mean how many people Or a vapors Yeah exactly Yeah It's a vape pen Oh okay cool They don't check They don't give it a fuck They're just looking for bombs and as it spreads across the country the the legality i think it's legal state legal in what nine states something like that yeah and then medically legal in like 18 or something how many let's find out let's how many states let's try let's try sir i think it's uh i'm gonna say nine states legal i'm gonna go 18 states medical okay is that right jamie let's find out i think look at that oh shit all those green?

[793] The dark is legal.

[794] The dark is legal.

[795] And all the other ones are what?

[796] Medical?

[797] Yeah.

[798] So everything's medical?

[799] Well, Texas isn't.

[800] I know, I don't think Texas is...

[801] Oh, what is Texas?

[802] Get to Texas.

[803] Go to Texas.

[804] The light green is nothing.

[805] The light green is nothing.

[806] Medical.

[807] CBD oil.

[808] CBD, yeah.

[809] Decriminalized.

[810] No. Well, at least they can get CBD.

[811] Like, CBD's the gateway, because that shit is so good for you.

[812] CBD is a gateway.

[813] That is the gateway.

[814] I know.

[815] They have it in every.

[816] everything now, hand cream, eye drops.

[817] Medical, yes.

[818] Medical, no. Decriminalized, no. So the light ones are what?

[819] Go to light ones.

[820] Are fully illegal.

[821] What's Tennessee?

[822] That's Tennessee.

[823] My have family in Tennessee.

[824] It's fully bullshit.

[825] The light ones are fully bullshit.

[826] We need to sneak around in Tennessee.

[827] What is up in those green ones up north?

[828] That's Maine, Vermont.

[829] What is those squares?

[830] The squares, the light ones down.

[831] Oh, the yellowish ones, yeah.

[832] What is that?

[833] Wyoming.

[834] No medical, no decriminalized.

[835] What is the one next to Wyoming?

[836] What is that?

[837] state.

[838] Right next, left, left.

[839] Idaho.

[840] No, yeah.

[841] See, that's how they keep people out.

[842] Because Colorado, man, when they made it legal in Colorado, fucking everybody moved there.

[843] Yeah, they did.

[844] Colorado, boom.

[845] Of course.

[846] Their real estate jumped tremendously.

[847] They started making a shitload of money.

[848] I think Hawaii's got it like weird too.

[849] This is mixed.

[850] Yeah, what does it say?

[851] Medicinal, yes.

[852] Mixed, medicinal.

[853] Medicinalized laws.

[854] Okay, so it's reduced penalty.

[855] And then a Alaska is like free, right?

[856] Yeah.

[857] Legal, powerful friends in Alaska.

[858] God, that's crazy.

[859] It is crazy.

[860] But look, that, just what we're looking at there, Massachusetts legal, Maine legal, Vermont.

[861] Vermont legal.

[862] What is that, Illinois?

[863] Is New Hampshire still illegal?

[864] What is New Hampshire?

[865] Mixed.

[866] Medicinal and medicinal.

[867] They don't really care.

[868] They're just like Austin.

[869] They're just like, man, we're in Texas, but we're cool.

[870] But New Hampshire's weird because that's supposed to be live free.

[871] Like, they're bumper stickers.

[872] They're license spurt.

[873] Live -free or die hard?

[874] No. Live -free or die.

[875] Yeah.

[876] And Florida is, what, medical?

[877] So there's really only a few backwoods states.

[878] Well, Florida bath salts are fine.

[879] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

[880] Because it's fully legal in D .C. And that's not a state or, you know, it's the federal government city, but it's not legal.

[881] Get that cursor off the state so I can count them.

[882] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

[883] nine, 10, 11, 12.

[884] 12 states fully legal.

[885] 12 are legal.

[886] So what did you say nine?

[887] I said nine, I think.

[888] So 12, that's good.

[889] That's progressive.

[890] Yeah, it's nice.

[891] But I feel like it's an election year.

[892] We got, I'm sure some people are putting it on the ballot to legalize it, maybe.

[893] Well, there's a picture of Bert Kreischer taking his shirt off in the green room.

[894] I know, crazy.

[895] That's nuts.

[896] I've never heard of such a thing.

[897] But it was the moment that we became legal in California.

[898] Bert stripped his shirt off and started running around on stage.

[899] We were doing an end -of -the -world podcast in the green room or in the main room in 2016 when Trump was elected that was a weird night That was a weird night I remember where I was I was at the improv that night Yeah Because we were supposed to be doing a show And it was like a That's right You guys were all on stage at that table That's right, that's right It was like you Sarah Tiana It should have been the Bill Burr show Because Bill Burr was on fire He was roasting everybody It was amazing I remember like We were at the improv watching the election happened and all of a sudden everyone was going red red red and and someone looked at me and was like are we in trouble i'm like oh yeah we're totally fucked well people didn't think it was coming they had this idea well people have these ideas of what's good and what's not good what's going to happen and not going to which brings me back this mayor pete guy they they came up with that guy because they said look here he is he's a young handsome guy he's gay he's a mayor he speaks well i think he's served in the military yeah so like this would be the guy but he's also backed by all these billionaires like it's a fucking it's a shell game what do you mean he's got a wine cave leave him alone he's got a wine cave what does that mean well didn't what's it like elizabeth warren said something like he had this fundraiser at a wine cave like yeah it was like all these like rich billionaires it was like a a cave what is it called a wine cellar but it happened to be a cave somewhere out here in california they're just trying really hard to keep it for being bernie really hard yeah they don't want bernie sanders if he gets in there apparently you know he was an independent for so long and he doesn't want to play a ball and he doesn't accept any money doesn't accept accept any money it's just like the cool grandpa yeah I think he's I mean shit I love Bernie you know why because he like you could say oh happy Martin Luther King day that's but then you look at an old picture of him and he's marching next to Martin Luther King for civil rights yeah that's amazing you can't be like no like where were you right you know it's like I just I don't know I I have hope.

[900] I have hope for somebody just to...

[901] I have hope for him socially.

[902] Yeah.

[903] I like what he stands for socially.

[904] But then you look at...

[905] I don't know if economically it's feasible, because I don't understand economics.

[906] Like, when people start talking about...

[907] When he was on here, he was describing that if they just took a very small amount of money from every transaction that they do, like less than one cent, from every transaction that Wall Street does, that it would add up to more than...

[908] enough money to pay for health care and a lot of other things school he was explaining it all and he was explaining it like very calmly and it didn't seem like he was bullshitting i don't think he is a bullshitter i think he's he's been in the game for years he knows how it works no he's not a bullshit he knows how these people with money work you know yeah it's um funding and it's just a it's such a weird upheaval politically like things don't make 100 % sense anymore yeah i i have no i actually had a friend of mine asked me he's just like who you know because we got our uh voter registration, because we vote March 3rd here.

[909] So they're like, who are you going to pick?

[910] I'm like, I don't know.

[911] I mean, we're going to go blue anyways, but it's just like, I honestly don't know.

[912] It looks like Bernie Sanders is going to be the nominee.

[913] It looks like he's winning in New Hampshire.

[914] It looks like you, are they saying he won in Iowa or not?

[915] No, I think Pete did.

[916] Bullshit.

[917] He beat him by 6 ,000 votes.

[918] It's such, it's so creepy.

[919] But Pete beat him in a dance off, so.

[920] Oh, did he?

[921] Did he get down?

[922] Get down.

[923] I would love to see Pete Just some more coin flips Remember that's Oh that's right How about that fake coin flip They robbed that coin Whoever that is That did that coin flip Put that kid in a jail cell You son of a bitch Did you see that coin film?

[924] No, I want to see the coin flip The coin flip's hilariously rigged Was this in Iowa?

[925] Yeah hilariously rigged Watch the coin flip Hold on Do it from the beginning Watch this Watch how bad this coin flip is Go full screen Go full screen please And do it from the beginning Watch this Flip it Catches it Look Pulls it So he can see and then turns it over.

[926] Hey, fuck you.

[927] Wow.

[928] Hey, fuck you.

[929] And no one said anything?

[930] Oh, they're all happy.

[931] Yay, it's Mayor Pete.

[932] Look, yay.

[933] That's what they wanted.

[934] They wanted to be Mayor Pete.

[935] So this dude rigged this coin flip in front of the whole world.

[936] Watch this.

[937] Pulls it, looks at it.

[938] Okay, how shall I flip it?

[939] I'll do it like that.

[940] Hors shit.

[941] That's not how you do a coin flip, god damn it.

[942] At all.

[943] Iowa, learned a coin flip.

[944] Imagine if you were betting $100 with that guy.

[945] He said, I'll bet you $100.

[946] He's like, okay, I'll flip a coin flip a coin flip.

[947] It's, uh, oh, I win.

[948] What do you mean you win, you fuck?

[949] You rigged it.

[950] Look at that.

[951] And what, what is his jacket?

[952] What is the patch?

[953] I'm a cunt.

[954] It says, I'm a cunt.

[955] Mm, I'm a thieving cunt.

[956] It's a cut force.

[957] Who's really bad and coin flips.

[958] I love that woman who's like every mom in Iowa, like, I'm proud of my son.

[959] How's that old guy watching right next to me?

[960] Hey, you fuck, that's not how you flip a coin.

[961] What country are you from?

[962] Kind of nonsense is that.

[963] That's what we need more of.

[964] It's just people calling out bullshit.

[965] Yeah, is that from, is that from, is that?

[966] Is that how you do it in Greenland?

[967] Because that's not how you do it in America.

[968] You don't get to look at the coin, then flip it over to the other side, you asshole.

[969] Look at it.

[970] He looked at it and then turned it.

[971] Like, manipulated it with his hands.

[972] He's also like...

[973] Do it again.

[974] Just do it again.

[975] Yeah.

[976] Well, here's how you do it.

[977] Flip that bitch.

[978] Let it land on the ground.

[979] Yeah.

[980] Let it land on the fucker.

[981] Everybody back up.

[982] So they're doing football?

[983] Yes.

[984] And I know that.

[985] Yes.

[986] I mean...

[987] Flip that bitch.

[988] Flip that bitch.

[989] They would beat that guy to death.

[990] So much money on that, too.

[991] So much money.

[992] Yeah.

[993] But yet this is literally could could change politics.

[994] Like one way or the other.

[995] If Bernie gets it or if Mayor Pete gets it, the delegates, it could all add up to one guy or, I mean, it could go down to the wire.

[996] I mean, that's bullshit.

[997] Creep.

[998] The whole thing's bullshit.

[999] Bullshit.

[1000] But this is what they did.

[1001] Oh, they went off on my bad.

[1002] Of course they did.

[1003] But this is what they did to Bernie Sanders in 2016.

[1004] The DNC rigged the primaries then.

[1005] They don't want him.

[1006] And they're doing it now.

[1007] Because he's.

[1008] Because he can't.

[1009] He won't work with them.

[1010] He's not corrupt.

[1011] They want someone who takes that money.

[1012] They don't want Tulsi and they don't want Bernie.

[1013] They push them out.

[1014] They effectively eliminated them as threats, slow, but they can't.

[1015] Bernie's got too much grassroots behind them.

[1016] But who do you think, say if he gets the nomination, who do you think he'll pick his vice?

[1017] If he picks Tulsi, he'll be smart.

[1018] Two of them together would be a dynamic team.

[1019] What if he picked AOC?

[1020] No, she's too young.

[1021] She's only 28.

[1022] She can't be president.

[1023] She could be vice, no?

[1024] I don't think so.

[1025] You don't think so?

[1026] You have to be 36 to be president.

[1027] He gets shot in the head, then what happens?

[1028] Oh, God.

[1029] Sorry.

[1030] They probably would.

[1031] I mean, if he caused Wall Street billions of dollars and losses, it could be real ugly for him.

[1032] I don't think they're going to shoot him.

[1033] They're definitely poison.

[1034] You have to be 35 to be vice president.

[1035] Yeah, she's too young.

[1036] She's 28?

[1037] Yeah.

[1038] Well, that's why she says things that don't totally make sense sometimes.

[1039] Well, we all do.

[1040] One of the things she said, it's impossible to pull yourself up by your, You're bootstraps in this country.

[1041] By the shoelaces.

[1042] Yeah.

[1043] Yeah, I saw that.

[1044] But here's why that's not correct.

[1045] She used to be a waitress.

[1046] Now she's a congresswoman.

[1047] She's literally living proof that you can.

[1048] You can pull yourself up from the bootstuffs.

[1049] She just worked hard.

[1050] She worked hard.

[1051] I understand what she's saying.

[1052] She's talking about working families that are really poor and that have multiple jobs and that are struggling and they're never going to be rich.

[1053] They're never going to be wealthy.

[1054] They never would be middle class.

[1055] She's right in that regard.

[1056] There's a lot of people that because of their circumstances, because of their responsibilities, they can't take any chances.

[1057] They can't do the things that she did.

[1058] She's young and single.

[1059] She's right in that way.

[1060] But I don't, see, I have a twisted relationship with this whole idea of democratic socialism.

[1061] I'm 100 % in favor, like me personally, of paying more taxes if I really felt it was going to make an impact for the better of humanity.

[1062] If it was going to improve schools for kids that live in bad neighborhoods, if it was going to develop community centers in bad neighborhoods, it was going to provide better health care for people, I'm all in for that.

[1063] I just don't trust the government, meaning I don't trust the kind of people that you would give that money to, and then they would allocate it however the way they'd like to do.

[1064] I just don't know if they're efficient.

[1065] I don't know if they're reasonable.

[1066] I just, most people that work in government, like, I don't know if they have the capability of change on a large scale or if they're already so compromised in so many different ways that it would just be throwing money away.

[1067] Right, right.

[1068] Did you see the video with, I don't know what it came out.

[1069] It's Adam Carolla, sat down with Tucker.

[1070] Carlson.

[1071] Did you see that?

[1072] What did they talk about?

[1073] They talked about like California.

[1074] They talked about the homeless epidemic that's here in California and how I'm going to try and quote it right, how he says the government just kind of looks a blind eye because we are a city and a state that lives on permits and parking and licenses and, you know, we just want that money, you know.

[1075] So it's like if he says something, you know, Forest Memorial, Forest Lawn Memorial, like how you look across the way and there's all these, you know, immigrants and whatnot, like selling flowers.

[1076] hours, you know, but like a woman driving without a license plate, she'll get pulled over and charged, but all these other people, it was kind of interesting, and I hate saying, I hate being like, oh, Tucker Carlson, but it was just, it was actually a really interesting interview.

[1077] That's probably a good point.

[1078] Yeah.

[1079] California would care about the homeless, if you could get money from them.

[1080] Sure.

[1081] And on the way over here, too, I was just looking at all these tents and it's just so fucking sad.

[1082] It's so sad.

[1083] It's really sad, and it keeps growing.

[1084] It keeps growing.

[1085] I live in West Hollywood.

[1086] And I remember like a couple years ago, because, you know, it went from downtown And then downtown pushes them all out.

[1087] So they keep going west, keep going west.

[1088] Some go to the beach.

[1089] Some go to Santa Monica.

[1090] But now it's like I live in an area that, you know, six, seven years ago, it was fine.

[1091] But now it's like even on the way to go get coffee this morning, I walk everywhere I go.

[1092] It's like I saw like three homeless people just outside just screaming at nothing.

[1093] You know, they're in tattered clothes and they're dirty.

[1094] And they're, you know, I used to work with a girl years ago.

[1095] at a restaurant when I waited tables and she's now homeless and she's like out of her mind and I feel bad Was she always out of her mind?

[1096] No, no. She, you know, her name was Lotus, you know, she did yoga and now...

[1097] What happened?

[1098] I don't know.

[1099] I don't know.

[1100] Did she try to talk to her?

[1101] I did.

[1102] It was like I got to watch the progression of the illness.

[1103] Yes.

[1104] So I would see her every now and then I was like, hey, what's going on?

[1105] Because like back when the recession happened, you know, we were raiding tables so we bounced from job to job because one day we'd go to work and there'd be chains on the door because they couldn't pay us.

[1106] So we had this little kind of group that we would go apply together at different jobs.

[1107] And then I started seeing her out on the street just walking around.

[1108] I was like, hey, what's going on?

[1109] I hope you're doing well.

[1110] And she just kind of never let me know how she was really doing.

[1111] And then like a couple of years would go by and I'd see her and I'm like, she looks a little out of it.

[1112] And I would say hi to her and she wouldn't respond.

[1113] And then now it's full on like teeth are missing and front.

[1114] running down the street crying and it just breaks my heart because it's like I don't know what to do and I don't know if she would be willing or uh how tight were you with her I mean you had her phone number no no no I don't I mean I don't even know she has a phone I can't right but did you at one point in time I think so yeah yeah and it's like it's just that like inner guilt and you're just like God how did it get so bad she had an apartment you know I think her parents passed away and that might have like set her you know spiraling but yeah I remember just like doing a spot at the laugh factory one night and walking outside and you know how everyone they just keep everyone outside like you do and and she just like barreled through everybody just screaming nonsense and like shit like teeth missing and it's just sad it's just really really sad and then i'm at the gym working out and i'll see her like down there you know with her garbage and everything and yeah she doesn't it's just sad it's it's a loss cause when you knew her she didn't seem like she had any mental health issues no really no i mean she would talk she would do yoga i mean i remember her um she was always sweet lotus well her name was lotus harmony which i don't know if that's a real name but at the time um that's how i knew her and she was always just this sweet lady you know just beautiful skin beautiful smile always in a good mood when she got mad you were like oh man lotus is pissed you know because she was always so friendly and yeah and then now you're just like damn and I you know I just want I don't know what to do I would love to help her because it just breaks my heart homeless people break my heart but female homelessness really really is sad for me yeah because we're sexist well it's it's I feel the same way you know it's just like someone's daughter someone's wife someone's just out there you know vulnerable to the elements and predators and it's just it breaks my heart no it's awful but i i think most of what you're seeing with homeless people is people that are severely mentally ill so you got to wonder like what cause maybe she was on medication and her yeah her you know her insurance ran out yeah she couldn't full on joker yeah yeah yeah dude that's real it is real it's fucking real there's a lot of people out there with giant mental health issues yeah i mean i i i know i know i know several people who, you know, they would have anxiety.

[1115] A guy that I used to date is like, you know, we dated for a long ass time, but it's like if he didn't have his, um, his, uh, anti -anxiety, yeah, like, and he got off that.

[1116] I mean, he would full on have a panic attack and that would get dirty.

[1117] And I had to witness that, which was insane.

[1118] Yeah, people that lose it because of their off their medication.

[1119] Yeah.

[1120] That's a sad situation because you're like, you're always going to be tethered to this thing that keeps you saying.

[1121] You used it twice today.

[1122] Did I?

[1123] Yeah.

[1124] You said it earlier before we started.

[1125] I think you probably use it all today.

[1126] I just hope it works.

[1127] Tether Tuesday.

[1128] Hashtag Tether Tuesday.

[1129] It's, you know, like what happens to them if the fucking coronavirus hits and they get locked in doors for six months.

[1130] And you just become agoraphobic and lose your shit?

[1131] Well, we were talking about this the other day that most of what this is all happened from the Reagan administration.

[1132] During the Reagan administration, they changed the standards of what it means to be mentally ill. and they just released people from asylums because they didn't want to pay for it all.

[1133] And, you know, that, look, if L .A. is, L .A. is a city of 20 plus million people, which is as many people in L .A. as I think is in all of Australia.

[1134] So think about that.

[1135] Think about the amount of money and that they can't make asylums here.

[1136] Think about how many abandoned buildings there are.

[1137] True.

[1138] How much money would it cost?

[1139] there's currently somewhere in the neighborhood of 70 ,000 homeless people.

[1140] Yeah, they said there was some statistic that said there's more empty apartments in this town than homeless people.

[1141] The thing is, though, those folks don't just need a place because they'll fuck that place.

[1142] Yeah, they need rehabilitation.

[1143] Punch holes in the wall and shit in there and stuff.

[1144] Smear it.

[1145] Yeah, they're crazy.

[1146] What they need is help and they need medication and they need counseling and they need, I mean, and some people, I don't, I mean, I'm not a mental health expert.

[1147] some of them you might not be able to do anything too some some some are so gone might not and also they get so filled with despair yeah i knew a bunch of guys that were homeless back from my pool hall days there was a bunch of guys that would hang around the pool hall they would even sleep on the floor and you know i knew guys who'd try to sleep in people's couches they'd sleep at the bus stops and then they'd come to the pool hall and try to hustle up enough money to get some drugs and yeah it was they were stuck in this place where they could never get past where they were they were just in a rut and they could never get out of it and it was just it's heartbreaking yeah despair there's so much despair because you're just like what happened for instance the other day i'm walking down Santa Monica boulevard over by uh barney's beanery and i just hear up and i look over and this kid's like had to be 22 23 years old and i was like what happened where are your parents It's one too many auditions.

[1148] Blue a fuse.

[1149] Yeah.

[1150] Just snap.

[1151] If I hear no one more time?

[1152] No!

[1153] I know.

[1154] CAA dropped him and he's just out there, random waving.

[1155] I'll show you, Hollywood Reporter.

[1156] You motherfuckers.

[1157] There are people, though, that you meet in this town where you meet them early in their journey and they still have hope.

[1158] Like, it's not worked out yet, but it's gonna, I'm gonna make it.

[1159] And then you run in comics.

[1160] Yeah.

[1161] Oh, I mean, that's the thing I think it's so related.

[1162] in our field as well because you know those people.

[1163] Yeah, we do know those people.

[1164] I want to say, I almost was one of those people.

[1165] Were you?

[1166] Oh, yeah.

[1167] When?

[1168] What time?

[1169] I mean...

[1170] Give me a time where it was like...

[1171] 2002 and then 2005 and then 2000, yeah, I mean, there were several...

[1172] I didn't meet you until when, 2007 -ish?

[1173] I want to say, yeah, I think I met you at the Ice House when we were podcasting out there.

[1174] yeah and then and then when you came back to the store that was like 14 yeah this was when I saw you again and even then it was like you know I'm making it work and I remember you looked at me and you go you're the weirdest gay guy I've ever met and I was like fuck yeah why did I say that I don't know you're probably all really high yeah probably so I probably didn't know what I was saying when I was saying it right but I mean I feel like that's you know you get through that struggle and you get through the years of being hungry and the years of like can I pay my rent this year and you do whatever can to just scrounge everything up and and do it so you had those moments where you're like this might not work out i might go crazy or what's my other option move home or suicide damn yeah i mean this sounds hard it's very hard well it's also you see so many people that are doing well right like it seems so far out of reach like when you're broke and you see see some guy driving by in a Mercedes convertible, you're like, you know, you see these people going to those big high rises off of La Sienaiga, you know, dorm in there and everything.

[1175] But no one lives there.

[1176] No one lives there.

[1177] Oh, no one can afford that shit.

[1178] Are you kidding me?

[1179] What are you talking about?

[1180] I mean, there's maybe like, what I've heard is that the, they build those, and then the, um, Saudis want their kids to come to school here and get an American education, so they just buy them for them, but nobody.

[1181] Have you done any research on this or is this just?

[1182] I've overheard some things.

[1183] Well, where the real money is, is that Wilshire stretch.

[1184] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1185] That is...

[1186] And that's always been there.

[1187] Yeah, there's a...

[1188] The weekend just bought some fucking redonculus penthouse up there.

[1189] That makes sense.

[1190] Yeah, you get some crazy -ass view.

[1191] But isn't it weird that that one strip is where all the luxury apartments are?

[1192] Wilshire?

[1193] Yeah.

[1194] That one, there's this one area.

[1195] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1196] Like one area around like the Santa Monica area.

[1197] Yeah.

[1198] Where the fire happened, right?

[1199] Right.

[1200] That was the Palisades, right?

[1201] No, that was Wilshire and...

[1202] Oh, Brentwood?

[1203] Yeah.

[1204] They had a fire in the Palisades, too.

[1205] Westwood, Westwood?

[1206] There was a fire in the Palisades, there was a fire in...

[1207] Fires everywhere.

[1208] I know.

[1209] Everything can catch on fire any day now.

[1210] So what turned it around for you?

[1211] What made it feel like it's going to be okay?

[1212] Do you remember?

[1213] You know what?

[1214] I'm going to say something and it's going to come across really cheesy and...

[1215] But it's real.

[1216] I just believed in myself That's not cheesy I had to be like You know what I know I've been doing this for so long I know who I am I know what I've got Well ever since I've seen you You've been a killer Thanks Like you're really funny Thank you man Like I've seen some sets From you in the main room Like this motherfucker is You're free You know you're up there You're free You're like You're loose and unrestrained You know You're fucking funny Thank you But I didn't see you when you weren't.

[1217] So, like, when I saw you, you were doing well.

[1218] Right.

[1219] Like, from the moment I saw you when I first met you.

[1220] And a lot of it, I think, was pressure from Mitzie because I skipped all that.

[1221] I skipped the open mics.

[1222] I skipped all of that.

[1223] I just remember being at my lowest of lows and being like, what do I have to lose?

[1224] And I remember being a kid and being like, you should do stand -up because I idolized, you know, Joan Rivers and Robin Williams.

[1225] And I remember.

[1226] being like, fuck it, let's try it out.

[1227] And I remember getting us...

[1228] How old be when you got on stage?

[1229] Doing stand -up?

[1230] First time.

[1231] It was 2008, yeah.

[1232] That was your first time on stage?

[1233] That was my first time, yeah.

[1234] So you thought about it for a long time before you did it.

[1235] For a long time.

[1236] And then, so from 2008 to 2009, or October, 2008 to June 2009, that's when I had an open mic at the store.

[1237] And I just remember Michael Jackson just died and I just remember it was like this energy was crazy that night.

[1238] And there was an open mic, there was like 16 comics in the main room, and I was like 14.

[1239] And I was like, no. And then they were like, Justin's going third.

[1240] So we didn't start doing the podcast at the Ice House until 2009.

[1241] Yeah, it was right after I got passed.

[1242] No, I don't think we started at the Ice House until 2011, now that I'm thinking about it.

[1243] I think we mostly did it at my house for the first year or two.

[1244] It was 2011.

[1245] Yeah, 2011.

[1246] That makes sense.

[1247] That's probably when I met you.

[1248] So you, but you were already rolling by then.

[1249] Well, no. I had no idea.

[1250] On stage, you were doing well.

[1251] I was doing well, but I didn't know who I was.

[1252] I knew how to make people laugh, but I didn't know, like, what, I didn't know the process.

[1253] And so Mitzie was the one who, like, passed me. I'm the last guy she passed at the store.

[1254] Whoa.

[1255] And so I just remember being like, oh, what did she say to you?

[1256] She didn't say anything.

[1257] She just pointed, she looked at Tommy and said, make him a regular.

[1258] And he was like, like, development spots?

[1259] And she's like, no, he's ready.

[1260] And then I remember being taken away.

[1261] And they were like, you've just been passed by Mitzie short.

[1262] It was like a weird, like, Renfair wizard thing.

[1263] Like, what has happened to you?

[1264] Never happens.

[1265] And then I just remember being like, oh, shit.

[1266] Like, I did my research about the place.

[1267] And I just remember being like, oh, damn.

[1268] And I'm looking at her right now.

[1269] Yeah.

[1270] And just that feeling of like, I've got to make this happen.

[1271] I've got to make sure.

[1272] Because she had never, I don't even know when the last time she came to the store was.

[1273] But, you know, everyone kind of knew she was ill. And I just wanted to be like, God, I hope this wasn't.

[1274] It wasn't like just her having dementia and being like, him.

[1275] Because, you know, like, oh, she's insane.

[1276] She picked that guy.

[1277] Dude, when she passed me, I didn't sleep that night.

[1278] Really?

[1279] No. I was lying in bed.

[1280] I remember thinking, I can't believe.

[1281] Like, I'm a paid regular at the store.

[1282] I was already on TV.

[1283] Yeah.

[1284] I was already on a TV show.

[1285] Yeah.

[1286] That didn't mean shit to me. Yeah.

[1287] What meant something to me was like, I was a real comic now.

[1288] That's a stamp of approval.

[1289] A guy had already been paid, you know, I'm starting to cry.

[1290] Oh, Joe!

[1291] Get in touch with the emotions, it's normal.

[1292] I had already been doing stand -up, like, for money.

[1293] You know, I'd done a lot of headlining gigs.

[1294] You know, I travel.

[1295] I did some road gigs, and I did a lot of stuff around New York before I came to L .A., you know.

[1296] And then I was out here in 94, and she made me, first she made me a non -paid regular.

[1297] And I would go on last every night, and I was here every night, because I didn't have any friends.

[1298] I was staying at the Oakwood Garden apartments It was pre -furnished apartments And I was on this television show That was terrible And I was just going to the store Every night I would work all day during the thing I didn't have any friends And then I would go to the comedy store And that's where I've like tried To find a home A family Yeah Yeah And so I got these late night sets And it was like you know It was always like five people in the audience Six people in the audience And then one night She passed me She passed me I've told the story before but there was a guy named the Todd and the Todd had uh he's eventually he developed like some pretty severe um brain issue like and uh he he went insane and it was really sad because back then i had seen him before i ever came out here on MTV on the half hour comedy hour oh huh and um he sat down next to Mitzi while i was on stage and laughed his ass off just ha is this the or the main room in the OR in the OR and then uh i came off stage and she just goes okay you're past that was it that was it that was my second audition for the first one she made me a non -paid regular and I did that for months and then I became a paid regular but the Todd pulled me aside and he said he goes uh I sat there and he goes you're really funny he goes what I sat there and I laughed really hard and I told Mitzie you're really funny and he goes and you're going to do that for other people someday yeah it's a cool feeling it's a cool feeling to I actually had the moment of seeing her I think it was at the the uh It was a reunion.

[1299] What was it, the 40th reunion, something, a couple years ago?

[1300] And they had me on, like, the class of 2000s.

[1301] It was like Natasha and some other people were on the lineup, maybe even Duncan, I don't know.

[1302] And she was sitting in the back.

[1303] They brought her in in her wheelchair, and I was like, I have to say hi to her.

[1304] You know, I didn't get to say hi to her.

[1305] I didn't get to meet her the last time.

[1306] She just pointed and took off.

[1307] And I kind of like, I went up to her and I looked in her eyes.

[1308] and I shook her hand and I said, hi, I'm Justin.

[1309] It's a honor to meet you and I just want to say thank you because you changed my life.

[1310] And she just stared at me and I was like, she doesn't even know.

[1311] And then all of a sudden she just squeezed my hand.

[1312] And that was it.

[1313] That's all I needed.

[1314] So that to me was like, oh, she's there.

[1315] She gets it.

[1316] Yeah, you know, she'd have those moments if she'd be in and out.

[1317] Mm -hmm.

[1318] But, I mean, that's everything that I've done, that's led up to where I'm at now has been for her too because I haven't had other than my mom and my friends back home I've never had somebody really believe in me like that you know what I mean?

[1319] It's very special it's very special and just yeah to be a part of a family and that's what it was I mean and that's what helped me getting out of that like I'm not good enough and oh I'm moving home it's like oh wow I actually have a home now and every time I go there now I just feel so welcome and you know it's it's it's it's a fraternity it's a sorority it's a university you know what I mean yeah it really is it's hard to describe for people that don't know you know like I was talking to Bill Maher and he was telling me he doesn't go to clubs I'm like I don't I'm not going to the fucking clubs I'm like why when you go to the club you don't like going to the clubs he's like I graduated from that I'm a gone with that.

[1320] I'm like, graduated.

[1321] I'm like, dude, I'm never leaving.

[1322] If you graduate, at least you have an alma mater, you know, go back.

[1323] Well, it's not even that.

[1324] It's just like, why, that's, that's, that's the gym.

[1325] Yeah, it is the gym.

[1326] Yeah, I mean, you're not done learning.

[1327] Never done.

[1328] Standup is never over.

[1329] It's an endless journey.

[1330] And especially if you do new specials, right?

[1331] Because you abandon your material and then you're starting from scratch every few years.

[1332] You're, you're never done.

[1333] Like, you have to be around.

[1334] I don't think there.

[1335] there's any other way.

[1336] I've been, I've done it different ways.

[1337] You know, there was a time where I was gone from the store where it wasn't, I wasn't doing my best work and I was doing way more gigs for the UFC and I wasn't working in the clubs as much.

[1338] And my stand -up just wasn't as sharp.

[1339] It just wasn't as good.

[1340] There's no way around it.

[1341] It's like, you have to do the work.

[1342] There's no other way.

[1343] And it's also, there's something about that environment, that place.

[1344] It's so nurturing.

[1345] It is.

[1346] you know it's crazy because it's like I'm now on the road and it's uh it's my first time actually like performing in theaters which is crazy but um you know I feel like the main room and the O -R and all that has been that gym has like you said where you're just like okay I'm ready to do this I remember doing the Grand Ole Opry last year in Nashville like where I like in as a kid from the South the Ryman theater the Ryman and I like they just were like all right get out there and I went out there my mom's in the crowd Like, I was just, it was so over.

[1347] I didn't even think about it until afterwards.

[1348] And I just remember walking out there and just be like, holy shit, I'm at the goddamn Grand Ole Opry.

[1349] And it was just, and I just, let's go.

[1350] Yeah.

[1351] Like, this is what you were, this is what you were made for.

[1352] Let's go.

[1353] I try to talk to people about what it's like to hang out at the store.

[1354] Like, people that have never been, like, why are you there so often?

[1355] I'm like, man, just come with me one day.

[1356] Just come with me one day when I walk through the building.

[1357] Yeah.

[1358] It's, it's pretty.

[1359] We're so lucky.

[1360] It's magic.

[1361] is really what it is.

[1362] And, you know, it's a place where, you know, there's egos and there's, you know, uh, rivalries, I guess, and it's, it's, it's a few that I've heard of.

[1363] Yeah.

[1364] I don't, I mean, I try not to be a part of it.

[1365] Couple of gals that don't like each other.

[1366] A couple gals don't like each other.

[1367] That's all I know about.

[1368] I know about a couple gals.

[1369] Yeah.

[1370] I don't know about any dudes.

[1371] You know any dude rivalries?

[1372] Do you?

[1373] Do I?

[1374] Yeah.

[1375] You don't have anybody, right?

[1376] Do you?

[1377] You might?

[1378] We don't have to discuss it.

[1379] We can keep it positive.

[1380] I don't have rivalries.

[1381] I just, here's my thing.

[1382] A couple people are annoying.

[1383] A couple people are annoying and a couple people need to check themselves because there's a lot of, like I just said, ego and bullshit.

[1384] And I just don't have time for that.

[1385] Right.

[1386] Yeah.

[1387] But for the most part, it's just all hugs.

[1388] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1389] I will say that.

[1390] Like, if you see somebody can just catch up, you haven't seen them in months, you just hug them.

[1391] Yeah.

[1392] And you just pick up right.

[1393] left off.

[1394] It's like an empowering environment.

[1395] Like, it nurtures you.

[1396] Like, you get there, you feel great.

[1397] You know, that's why people come there, even if they don't have a spot.

[1398] Like, there's a lot of comics.

[1399] They're on the road.

[1400] They don't even want to do a spot, but they want to come to that back bar and hang out.

[1401] Like, I was just in town.

[1402] I wanted to hang out.

[1403] Ron White does that shit all the time.

[1404] Oh, yeah.

[1405] Ron White's always there.

[1406] Always there.

[1407] Well, he has a house.

[1408] He has a house in Beverly Hills, so he just gets in his car, and fuck it all.

[1409] Come on, hang out.

[1410] Yeah, that back bar is great.

[1411] Back bar changed everything.

[1412] Yeah.

[1413] You know, it gave us a place.

[1414] It gets infiltrated some days by normies.

[1415] Some days, it's all, it's now being infiltrated.

[1416] We need to stop the infiltration.

[1417] Because all of a sudden they'll be there asking questions like, hey, hey, hey, hey, this is not what this is for.

[1418] Yeah.

[1419] It's not here for you to grill me on how do you get started and how do you do this and how you do, hey, hey, hey, I'm here with the comedians.

[1420] Yeah.

[1421] I'm supposed to hang out with my friends.

[1422] Oh, I did a spot up in the belly room.

[1423] Okay.

[1424] Did you really?

[1425] Did you?

[1426] Get out of here.

[1427] Did you real?

[1428] Where's your name on the wall?

[1429] Get out of here.

[1430] Well, that's the thing, right?

[1431] Anybody can go up in the belly room if it's one of those weirdo shows, We like the weirdo shows Hey man, that's how people get started I started a show there that got picked up It's coming out next month What is it?

[1432] In March Yeah, it's the show that we got Uh What are you laughing at?

[1433] You already laughing Because we started it two years ago in the belly room What is it?

[1434] It's called stand up to the streets And then Stand up to the streets Yeah, it was a dance battle You know how that roast battle?

[1435] Yeah, a dance art So we started it two years ago My friend Justine Marino And And the first day we were supposed to do it, you actually bumped us out of the belly room.

[1436] How did I bump you out?

[1437] I don't know.

[1438] You were just like, I'm doing a night.

[1439] We were like, ah, damn it, Joe wins again.

[1440] Nobody told me about it.

[1441] No, no, of course not.

[1442] But then...

[1443] Comedy store must have just offered it to me. I think they did.

[1444] But then we did it like monthly.

[1445] Every month, we went in there and did it, sold out every night.

[1446] And then this network was like, hey, let's put this on TV.

[1447] And it's coming out in March.

[1448] What's it on?

[1449] It'll be on the E -network.

[1450] I was hoping you didn't say Bravo.

[1451] Well, same thing.

[1452] I mean, let's be honest.

[1453] Isn't that where the keeping up with the Kardashians are?

[1454] Is that your lead -in?

[1455] Oh, no, I don't lead in with that.

[1456] My wife was in the gym the other day watching that.

[1457] I walked in.

[1458] I go, why?

[1459] Yeah.

[1460] You're smart.

[1461] Yeah.

[1462] You're interesting.

[1463] What are you doing?

[1464] Mm -hmm.

[1465] She likes being distracted by nonsense.

[1466] Well, that's it.

[1467] That'll do it for you.

[1468] They fucking know how to do it, too.

[1469] It's like a hypnosis show.

[1470] They have these smash cuts.

[1471] They go quickly from one person in the next.

[1472] And there's just enough drama.

[1473] Like, how are they going to resolve this?

[1474] But it's also like mind hypnosis.

[1475] Because you're just watching, they're like, The other day, I had a salad, and it was really good.

[1476] And you're like, why do I care?

[1477] But tell me more about the salad.

[1478] I think I'm getting arthritis because my wrist hurts.

[1479] We want to have a Candyland -themed party, but with no candy.

[1480] You know what I want?

[1481] I want to take them and swap them out on naked and afraid.

[1482] Absolutely.

[1483] Take them and just drop them off in the jungle.

[1484] See how they survive.

[1485] Naked and K -Fraid.

[1486] That's it.

[1487] You know, I mean, have them do something really difficult.

[1488] Like, change a tire?

[1489] Just fucking anything hard.

[1490] Their life is, I mean, it's really interesting because I made sort of a, I don't know what she would say, not an oath, but I decided to stop making fun of Kim Kardashian after she started letting people out of prison.

[1491] Yes.

[1492] I'm like, that's powerful.

[1493] She's real.

[1494] Like that, she's really doing something, like genuinely good.

[1495] So I'm going to stop mocking her.

[1496] I know.

[1497] You have to.

[1498] But it's like, and, you know, she wants to be a lawyer.

[1499] Does she?

[1500] Well, yeah, she's in law school.

[1501] Is she really?

[1502] Yeah.

[1503] She's going to law school.

[1504] Yeah.

[1505] Does she go there or she do it at home?

[1506] Does she have her assistant do it and tell her what the answers are?

[1507] She gets the cliff notes, yeah.

[1508] Yeah, she probably hires five or six lawsuits.

[1509] Her dad was a, yeah, Robert Kardashian.

[1510] He got the OJ off.

[1511] Yeah.

[1512] Or he helped.

[1513] He's part of the dream team.

[1514] But it's apparently the one they hand, OJ into the bag of blood, too.

[1515] A bag of bloody clothes.

[1516] You heard it first.

[1517] That's what I heard.

[1518] Oh, man. I don't know if that's true.

[1519] But I don't, you know, and you got to, I don't know.

[1520] I can't knock, I can't.

[1521] I know, she's doing good.

[1522] I talk shit about him, like, it sucks because I have, like, videos up from, like, years ago.

[1523] And then I went to the, of me just shitting on them.

[1524] And then I went to the People's Choice Awards, and I had my friend Traver Raines, like, do this.

[1525] Like, he designed this, like, amazing country Western tuxedo, but it was all their faces crying.

[1526] it was so awesome check out my Instagram it's so good it was all and I sat and this waiter came over to me and he goes you know they're sitting right next to you right and I was like shit I was freaking out and so then they all come over and they're sitting right there and I'm like oh like my butthole look at your jacket Kim looks up at me and she just goes oh my God that's amazing and I'm like and then she's like mom look and then Chris is trying to turn around and she can't and then and then Chloe's there and then Courtney Courtney loved it and then they start taking pictures of me on their Instagram stories and I'm like oh my God and then I got up to go say hello look at isn't that dope that's when I worked at E well they're not all crying but they all look wonky it's wonky there's crying it's it was awesome that's a great pick and then I got up to go say hi to them and that's when I The security guard almost like body slammed me. Really?

[1527] Look at the one at the bottom.

[1528] You'll get a full one.

[1529] Their security guard?

[1530] They have overzealous security guards.

[1531] Oh, yeah.

[1532] But I mean, after she got kidnapped in Paris.

[1533] And then I'm like, and then I thought to myself, I'm like, Justin, what the hell are you doing?

[1534] You can just, you're six foot four.

[1535] You can just walk over and like a normal person.

[1536] Sit down, you fucking comment or know your place.

[1537] Well, not only that.

[1538] You have pictures of them all over your jacket.

[1539] So the security guard might think you're fucking insane.

[1540] And by the way, you look insane.

[1541] Look at that face.

[1542] What are you talking about?

[1543] That's just a strong jaw line.

[1544] look what's going on here look at you that was yeah you look like a crazy person you definitely you look good though thank you it's not bad yeah represent for a ridiculous jacket and everything like that i wanted it it was it was it was stupid i wanted it to be stupid and fun and campy and so what were you doing there what were you there for uh i was there at the people's choice awards because i used to host a show on e called what the fashion what the fashion yeah so it was like the it was like the millennial version of fashion police.

[1545] What is it like working at E now?

[1546] Well, I don't work there anymore.

[1547] Well, you know, it wasn't that long ago.

[1548] What was it like?

[1549] Yeah.

[1550] It seems like an incredibly frivolous pursuit.

[1551] Well, I didn't really.

[1552] I didn't really get, I worked there for two years.

[1553] So I built this show up from the ground up called What the Fashion.

[1554] And then, oh, shit, we're doing an exclusive, aren't we?

[1555] Are we?

[1556] Yeah.

[1557] Yeah.

[1558] Yeah, and it was for Snapchat Discover, and it was awesome, and it was a great platform.

[1559] So it started on Snapchat?

[1560] Mm -hmm.

[1561] Whoa.

[1562] Yeah.

[1563] You're one of those guys.

[1564] One of those guys.

[1565] Who knew?

[1566] And then, you know, I used to write for Joan on fashion police a couple times.

[1567] Do you have a YouTube channel?

[1568] No. You should.

[1569] Do I?

[1570] Fuck yeah.

[1571] Is that still a thing?

[1572] Dude.

[1573] I'm starting a podcast.

[1574] Oh, you are?

[1575] Yeah.

[1576] Well, you definitely should have one of those.

[1577] I'm going to do it, yeah.

[1578] But why don't you have a YouTube channel?

[1579] I don't know.

[1580] Like, it's a great way to just put up content.

[1581] Yeah, I'll take the note.

[1582] and do it.

[1583] Well, I'm going to.

[1584] Dude, you'd be giant.

[1585] Well, what the fashion has a YouTube channel.

[1586] So it's all up there.

[1587] I know.

[1588] But I got out of there in December.

[1589] But I left just because I didn't get to really do all the fun stuff.

[1590] They just kind of, well, you know, like red carpet and like go to the events and stuff.

[1591] Dude, if you have a popular YouTube channel, you can do that.

[1592] And bonus, no boss.

[1593] Yeah, no boss.

[1594] That's what I had to learn.

[1595] I had to learn to be my own boss at the end of the year.

[1596] That's right here.

[1597] You're on a show with no boss.

[1598] Wait, you don't have a boss?

[1599] No boss.

[1600] Wow.

[1601] You're a boss -ass -bitch, aren't you?

[1602] Boss -ass -bitch.

[1603] Yeah.

[1604] I know.

[1605] So that's what I'm learning this year is to be my own boss.

[1606] Yes, you can do it.

[1607] 100%.

[1608] I just try to encourage as many comedians as possible to do it.

[1609] It's like you can put up content of your own.

[1610] You can do anything on your own.

[1611] I mean, so many people, like Tim Dillon.

[1612] Perfect example.

[1613] Oh, by the way.

[1614] Have you seen these?

[1615] I just got this.

[1616] exclusively I love daddy Tim Dillon shark Oh is that him in drag It's him as Megan McCain Oh I got blocked by her You did too?

[1617] On Twitter yeah So did Tim Dillon Of course he did Why did you get blocked fire I just said something On Twitter It was just kind of like What did you say?

[1618] I don't remember But I told her to fucking calm down And now she's like My father my father my father my father And now she's like I love gay people And I'm like we're okay bitch but yeah that's a good stamp of approval too getting past by Mitzie getting blocked by Megan McCain Well she blocked Tim Dillon And he was very excited about it It's kind of an epic thing I got blocked by Chloe Grace Moretz And who's that She's an actress Why'd she block you?

[1619] Because I yelled at her in a movie theater Whoa She was on her phone Really?

[1620] Yeah And I was watching The Purge So I was like in the moment She was talking on the phone In a fucking movie theater No she was on it She was like checking Instagram full brightness just no yeah and she was sitting in the front and I was living I've talked about this several times and I'm still fucking triggered How did she know that it was you?

[1621] She didn't know it was me because it was dark and I went over and screamed at her and told her to get off her fucking phone then I turned around the audience started clapping because everyone was pissed off so I was a movie hero and then as I went out someone was like that's the girl you were yelling at and paparazzi were all around her and I was like oh I'm taking this to Twitter I'm going to tweet and I started tweeting at her saying hey bitch get off your phone in the movie theater especially if you're an actress and we're paying money to see you doing movies you know and then she blocked me so then I wasn't done yet I tweeted her boyfriend at the time's mom who happens to be Victoria Beckham posh spice and was like hey your son's dating an asshole you know who didn't block me Victoria Beckham she probably didn't like her either yeah I bet she didn't fucking her son she's probably angry that dirty bitch.

[1622] Get her bad breath over my son's dick.

[1623] God.

[1624] Wait, I just got a notification.

[1625] She just blocked you on Twitter.

[1626] You made it.

[1627] Good.

[1628] I don't check.

[1629] Oh, my God.

[1630] You can block me all day on Twitter.

[1631] I will never notice.

[1632] Who's the most famous person who's ever blocked you?

[1633] I don't have no idea.

[1634] You don't know?

[1635] You don't care.

[1636] I stopped reading Twitter mentions and all that stuff a long time ago.

[1637] I need to get better at that.

[1638] I don't read shit.

[1639] I'm going to do it, though.

[1640] I'm going to read these comments.

[1641] Why?

[1642] Because it kind of gets me hard.

[1643] I just like, I just think, I think the whole premise of comments is fascinating to me how someone takes time out of their day to just, this motherfucker like, you know, it just blows my mind, you know?

[1644] And it's funny because sometimes they're very supportive.

[1645] Like once I left the show, you know, people are coming and tagging me and stuff and being like, we want Justin back, where's Justin?

[1646] The show's not the same.

[1647] And I'm just kind of like, well, it ran its course.

[1648] You know, I did my thing and I'm moving on.

[1649] Right.

[1650] But it's just so funny how some people are just like, you know, it did, what's it called, Lights Out with David Spade the other day.

[1651] And it was like, get this faggot off the show.

[1652] And I'm like, shit.

[1653] How rude.

[1654] I know.

[1655] It's just, but it makes me laugh because I'm like, well, who's on the show?

[1656] Me, not you.

[1657] Who's the faggot now?

[1658] I don't think that changes I don't think that change The people say things all day long Doesn't change who you are I don't think it changes I think what the real problem is That people have access to your emotions If it doesn't fuck with you Right Then I don't you know If you're the one of those people But for most people who fucks with them Like Burke Kreischer said it best He goes I was looking at Twitter the other day And he goes and then I was thinking Why am I risking the fact that something Might fuck with my head Or hurt my feelings And then I get off of it That's what he said I was like, that's a good point.

[1659] Yeah.

[1660] Because that's kind of what it is.

[1661] Well, we live in toxic times, you know?

[1662] It's not a good way to talk.

[1663] No. Because if someone's in front of you, you would rarely be that mean.

[1664] It would take a lot for someone to be that mean in front of you.

[1665] But on Twitter, there's no real connection.

[1666] Plus, they don't like the fact that you or the guy who's on TV and they're not.

[1667] That's a big thing.

[1668] Like, fuck him.

[1669] Why are you on there, not me?

[1670] And people have this weird idea about people who are doing well that.

[1671] if they're doing well, you're allowed to shit on them.

[1672] You know, like, I fucking saw something where someone was talking about Kobe Bryant's wife and they said, with all her money, she'll be fine.

[1673] Oh, my God.

[1674] Can you imagine thinking like that?

[1675] Like, your emotions are attached to the fact that you have money.

[1676] So numb.

[1677] You're fine.

[1678] You're fine.

[1679] You have money.

[1680] You fucking daughter and your husband died in a fiery helicopter crash.

[1681] And these people, this one person was like, with all her money, she's fine.

[1682] Just some shallow, broke bitch.

[1683] She doesn't have emotions.

[1684] She'll move on.

[1685] She's got three other daughters.

[1686] But it's also this thing where they feel like they're allowed to do that because you are really successful.

[1687] Right.

[1688] You know, because and then with you, it's like you're on TV, they're not.

[1689] So they're allowed to just shit all over you.

[1690] And there's a way that they can do it through Instagram comments or Twitter comments.

[1691] Yeah.

[1692] Or an anonymous, what's it called, the little, the direct message?

[1693] No, when there's not a picture, when it's just the eggshell or whatever, they can.

[1694] And you can create fake accounts And you can create multiple accounts It's just some people just have Too much time on their damn hands And it's just it's sad And that's just that's fucked up When people just think Well there's so many voices They're not people to Yeah Well they just feel like it's a free shot Look I would have felt the same way If I was 15 If you gave me a fucking Twitter account When I was 15 and I was frustrated at the world I would have said the meanest shit To everyone and anyone I could have gotten a hold of 100%.

[1695] I would have said the mean is shit.

[1696] You know, I feel terrible for kids today.

[1697] I do too.

[1698] That their growth and their development is going to, you know, it's going to be permanent record.

[1699] Yeah.

[1700] There's a, there was a, a really good ad for, oh, God, what was it for?

[1701] It was a cell phone ad and it talks to a mother, it talks to three generations of people and they talk, you know, the grandpa.

[1702] What was it like when you were a kid?

[1703] He's like, oh, I went outside.

[1704] We caught fish.

[1705] I remember getting chased by a bear and throwing a fish down just so and then I ran out of fish because the bear kept eating them but I got away and then he talked to the daughter and she was like oh we built forts when we were kids and then it talks to the kids it's like what's your best thing about being a kid?

[1706] It's like I play video games and I check emails and it's like and they show the videos to the grandparents and the parents and they're just like oh this sucks well a friend of my works at Disneyland and he said they're having a really hard time recruiting young people that know how to communicate What does that mean?

[1707] They don't know how to communicate with people.

[1708] They're stunted because they spend so much time tweeting to each other and text messaging each other.

[1709] They're talking to strangers.

[1710] They haven't developed these common courtesy skills and just the ability to talk to people and actually be curious.

[1711] And they have to tell them, put your fucking phone down.

[1712] Oh, yeah.

[1713] They're on their phone.

[1714] They check their phone like every five, ten minutes.

[1715] They're just addicted to checking their phone.

[1716] And they're addicted to this weird little dopamine rush that you get from looking at your mentions.

[1717] What is it?

[1718] Did someone talk about me?

[1719] you know what's really fucking weird is that there's a new there's a new way that that younger people are getting in touch with each other is that they will take a picture of themselves and then they'll put a text like what's up and then someone will text back with the picture not much you what so yeah does that make sense so they'll actually just so it's like say if you and i were talking on the phone it's like i'll take i'll take a selfie i'll be like hey and then you send me a text so it's not just the text is a text With a photo.

[1720] It's a new thing.

[1721] It's a face photo with a message, like a Snapchat or an Instagram, like, what's going on?

[1722] Do you have friends that they send you or they rather call you FaceTime just out of the blue?

[1723] Yes.

[1724] And I don't answer them.

[1725] I hate that.

[1726] That's a new thing.

[1727] It's so weird.

[1728] A lot of people are doing that.

[1729] You know, what's even weirder is looking at somebody crossing the street or something, and they're just like, yeah.

[1730] So I don't know.

[1731] My favorite is I have a friend of mine who's my neighbor.

[1732] as well, and he was, he was FaceTiming, he was FaceTiming on Instagram promoting his brothers.

[1733] His brother has a, not a club, but it's like a social experience, but he's trying to promote it or whatever.

[1734] And he was like, yeah, go check this out.

[1735] And this guy on a skateboard grows right by him, and he's like, blah -la -da -da -ha!

[1736] And he was like, okay, that happened.

[1737] And that's not all heroes were capes, you know?

[1738] I hate people.

[1739] And I hate people who FaceTime on planes and in.

[1740] airports.

[1741] Yeah, that's weird, right?

[1742] It's loud, and you're talking to the other person loudly.

[1743] Mm -hmm.

[1744] Put your headphones on that, you savage.

[1745] You fucking animal.

[1746] Ugh.

[1747] What's wrong with you?

[1748] Yeah, it blows my mind.

[1749] But the FaceTime thing is, it seems like it's within the last year or two.

[1750] Guys started just FaceTiming me out of nowhere.

[1751] FaceTiming you?

[1752] Yes, my friends.

[1753] No. And you answer it?

[1754] Sometimes.

[1755] I like them.

[1756] How do you feel?

[1757] A lot of rappers.

[1758] Rappers love the FaceTime.

[1759] That makes sense.

[1760] Yeah, they love it.

[1761] They like FaceTimbing.

[1762] Just want to see where you're at.

[1763] think it's more fun way of doing or something have you done a group face time what stop it it's happened on accident in a group text you can accidentally hit make this a face time call and it will call everyone in the group text well when everyone answers it's kind of interesting because everyone's like well what the fuck you see what seven people are all doing at once it must be an emergency well you'd have to have an iPhone max for that yeah they're the new war ones you want the big one you want the small phone for that.

[1764] I switched over the small phone, so I look at it less.

[1765] That's how stupid I am.

[1766] Oh, yeah?

[1767] I'm like, if I have a small phone, I'll look at it less.

[1768] The new Samsung.

[1769] The little flip?

[1770] No, no, no. Well, they announced that during the Super Bowl.

[1771] They announced a new one today.

[1772] It's got a seven -inch screen.

[1773] What?

[1774] By default.

[1775] God damn.

[1776] It's like 7 .1 inches, I think they said.

[1777] What is the note?

[1778] 100 megapixel camera.

[1779] Oh, God.

[1780] And 100 times, 108 megapixel, maybe I think.

[1781] What are we going to see each other?

[1782] There's pores now?

[1783] Is that a hundred time zoom on it?

[1784] Nostral hairs and shit.

[1785] I want to see the eyelash line.

[1786] that you're carrying.

[1787] Yeah.

[1788] It's a crazy phone.

[1789] Samsung is always raising the...

[1790] I mean, they have to keep up.

[1791] Like, in order to jump people off of the Apple tit, they have to make sure that they really provide something exceptional.

[1792] I know.

[1793] You know, I'm so glad that guy was barking about the Apple keyboards the other day.

[1794] I was typing last night on my Lenovo think pad, which is my preferred method of writing.

[1795] It's so much better, because I have a MacBook, the new one, too.

[1796] They're like, oh, we fixed the keyboard.

[1797] no you didn't really fix it you didn't fix it for a writer it's it's i can write on and i have written what do you have a pen and it just kind of no you're right with the keyboard but the keyboard blows it just sucks it's not good the keyboard in the lenovo it's like effortless it's so much better there's a little push to it the little keys have like a little c shape to them so it's a little dimple your fit fits your finger fits in perfectly finger dimples yes and you just you just gently caress the keys and they tut how his name Tykei Wakiti?

[1798] Tycho Watiti.

[1799] Watiti?

[1800] Yeah.

[1801] I love him.

[1802] What does he do?

[1803] He just, he was the director of Jojo Rabbit.

[1804] He just won an Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay.

[1805] I heard Jojo Rabbit's hilarious.

[1806] It's fun.

[1807] It's really good.

[1808] He's just a cool guy.

[1809] He's the first indigenous person to win an Oscar.

[1810] Where's he from?

[1811] I think Australia up.

[1812] Oh, good for him.

[1813] Yeah.

[1814] He's right, though, about those shitty fucking keyboards.

[1815] Jamie sent it to me immediately.

[1816] And I was like, yes.

[1817] Yes.

[1818] Did you say yes?

[1819] Yes.

[1820] What's the writer's guild to take it up?

[1821] with like fucking Apple because it's causing people pain.

[1822] How much he hates the Apple keyboard?

[1823] Well, I don't think it's really causing people pain.

[1824] He's joking a little bit.

[1825] He's joking a little bit, but...

[1826] It's not good.

[1827] The fucking Lenovo's are so much better.

[1828] Lenovo think pads.

[1829] I want a Lenovo think pad.

[1830] What does it look like?

[1831] I'll show you.

[1832] Go get to the Thinkpad X1 carbon.

[1833] That's what I have.

[1834] It is the shit.

[1835] It weighs nothing.

[1836] It weighs nothing.

[1837] It's beautiful.

[1838] It folds completely flat.

[1839] It's so superior.

[1840] The thing is that it's just like, if you're caught in the Apple ecosystem.

[1841] And by the way, Windows 10 is not bad.

[1842] It's excellent.

[1843] It doesn't, it's never crashed on me. I've had a Lenovo key.

[1844] I've had three different think pads now for the last three years.

[1845] And they haven't crashed on me once.

[1846] Yeah, that looks sharp.

[1847] It's fucking so, those keys are magical, man. Your fingers just glide over those keys.

[1848] You make so many less mistakes.

[1849] So many less.

[1850] So many less.

[1851] So many, so few mistakes, yes.

[1852] Much fewer mistakes.

[1853] Look at all the stars it has 4 .6 stars You fucking twatts Get your shit together, Apple It's just a, it is And by the way, you can also get it in a touchscreen What?

[1854] Yeah I need to get one of these It's a superior laptop If you write If you like, for me I like to come home from the store I spark a join up And when I'm, you know Everyone in my house is asleep All my kids are sleep My wife's asleep That's when I get my writing done at night And that thing is a breeze man My fingers just glide over those keys And I, like, I brought my, um, my MacBook on the road, and I was writing on that.

[1855] I'm like, this is dog shit.

[1856] That's so interesting comparison.

[1857] I can't write on my MacBook because it's just too hard.

[1858] And then I, I find myself writing on my phone, but I want something.

[1859] Like you said, sleeker, softer.

[1860] It weighs, spark a joint, put on some shoday.

[1861] Yeah.

[1862] Smooth operator.

[1863] Ugh.

[1864] What happened to her?

[1865] She's around.

[1866] She's like the McRib.

[1867] Every now and then she'll come back I think sometimes people just get tired of all the fucking lights All the attention, the bullshit, you know I do that man I love to just chill out Everyone thinks I'm always just like Party animal like all that I'm like no I'll wake up and be like Alexa Put on some 1930s jazz Ooh and I'll just Alexa will do that?

[1868] Oh yeah Lexa 1930s jazz Very specific Yeah What is Will Siri do that?

[1869] bitch?

[1870] Huh?

[1871] Will Siri do that?

[1872] 1930s jazz.

[1873] Oh, yeah.

[1874] It's just like It's got to be a playlist of somewhere.

[1875] Yeah.

[1876] Hey, Siri, play some 1930s jazz.

[1877] Here we go.

[1878] Here's some 1930s jazz.

[1879] Worship the devil.

[1880] Oh, my God, Siri.

[1881] That's not that's not, no. That's what Tom Hanks' son listens to.

[1882] Is that 1930s jazz?

[1883] No, definitely not.

[1884] That's definitely some steel from.

[1885] Hey Siri, you don't know what the fuck 1930s jazz is, do you?

[1886] Oh, she's fucking with me. But it does work.

[1887] Hey, Siri, play some John Coltrane.

[1888] Here we go.

[1889] If it's the same song.

[1890] Yeah.

[1891] That's 1930s jazz.

[1892] That's legit.

[1893] Put my dimmer down, light an incense.

[1894] Oh, it's the best.

[1895] Light that lighter.

[1896] Get that spoon out.

[1897] Prepare the heroin.

[1898] Mm -hmm.

[1899] Black tar.

[1900] Only the best.

[1901] Is that the best?

[1902] Allegedly.

[1903] Have you ever tried heroin?

[1904] No. Oh.

[1905] I don't know why I'm guilty.

[1906] You God.

[1907] No, I have not tried heroin.

[1908] Have you tried cocaine?

[1909] Yes.

[1910] How dare you?

[1911] I have.

[1912] You getting coked up?

[1913] Am I?

[1914] Coked up, right around?

[1915] I can't do it anymore.

[1916] How kind of what happened?

[1917] Because you don't know what that shit's cut with anymore?

[1918] That's true.

[1919] And I saw some video and they're like, that'll do it one more time and it'll kill you.

[1920] I'm like, nope.

[1921] Fentanyl.

[1922] Yeah.

[1923] Mm -hmm.

[1924] Well, I had a guy in here.

[1925] What was the guy's name?

[1926] Ben, was it Ben Westhoff, the writer who, fentanyl.

[1927] Wrote that book on fentanyl.

[1928] He used to be a, he was a journalist.

[1929] He used to write for L .A. Weekly.

[1930] Ben Westall, Inc. Yes, Fentanyl, Inc. And he said they were reviewing all these raves where people were dying.

[1931] They're dying from MDMA.

[1932] And it's like it didn't make any sense.

[1933] So they did some test.

[1934] They found it's not really fentanyl or it's not really MDMA they're dying from.

[1935] It's MDMA cut with fentanyl.

[1936] Yeah.

[1937] And plus they're not hydrating themselves because you sweat because those people will just rave until their heart explodes.

[1938] There's probably some of that too.

[1939] There's probably a few of those.

[1940] But a lot of it is just overdoses of fentanyl because they're cutting it.

[1941] Mm -hmm.

[1942] You know, it's like trust drugs anymore.

[1943] That's why drugs should be legal.

[1944] You know, that's one of the mayor Pete things.

[1945] He had this weird conversation with one of the journalists where he was talking about decriminalizing drugs.

[1946] And the guy was like, would you, so you would say heroin would be legal?

[1947] And he goes, no, it wouldn't be legal.

[1948] He goes, well, that's what decriminalizing is.

[1949] Like, this is a weird conversation where they're trying to work out the legal logistics of what's decriminalized and what's not.

[1950] But it sounds totally counterproductive that if you wanted to have a healthy, happy society, you'd make cocaine and heroin legal.

[1951] Right.

[1952] But the problem is if it's not legal, then people are going to get it anyway, and they're going to get it from the fucking cartels.

[1953] And they're going to get it and it's going to be spiked.

[1954] I don't want anybody to do heroin.

[1955] I don't want anybody to do coke.

[1956] I don't want anybody to do any of those drugs.

[1957] But the only way you're going to give them pure versions of that drug is to make sure that it's actually from a reputable source.

[1958] Reputable.

[1959] Why I say reputable?

[1960] It's a weird way of saying it.

[1961] Tomato, tomato.

[1962] No. Reputable?

[1963] I've done ice.

[1964] That was weird.

[1965] People that say nuclear.

[1966] Nuclear.

[1967] Nuclear.

[1968] Nuclear.

[1969] Nuclear.

[1970] Nuclear.

[1971] It's the nuclear?

[1972] Nuclear.

[1973] I've done ice.

[1974] That was one.

[1975] What is ice?

[1976] I think it's meth.

[1977] Yeah, how was that?

[1978] Good times.

[1979] Awful.

[1980] How long do you stay awake?

[1981] Oh, all night.

[1982] I was, shit, I was like, I think I was 22, and like, a friend of mine at the time, I guess, was like, hey, we're going to smoke this out of a light bulb.

[1983] I'm like, fuck, yeah.

[1984] I don't know why.

[1985] How do you smoke it out of a light bulb?

[1986] You just, it's like a, it's like the end of it was cut off.

[1987] and you just light it underneath.

[1988] It's like a...

[1989] How would one cut a light bulb?

[1990] I don't fucking know.

[1991] I, like, I...

[1992] Oh, man, I did that.

[1993] And I just remember going to a bar and just talking the fucking bartender's ear off.

[1994] Just...

[1995] Just nonstop.

[1996] I remember going home.

[1997] And then I remember being like three o 'clock in the morning.

[1998] I'm like, you know what sounds good?

[1999] I'm going to move all my furniture around.

[2000] I was just...

[2001] Like, my neighbors were probably like, you fucking asshole.

[2002] And then I remember...

[2003] I remember going to bed finally at like 6 o 'clock in the morning, and it was the worst feeling I've ever experienced in my life.

[2004] Like my body just felt broken.

[2005] Oh, rotted.

[2006] Yeah, just corroded.

[2007] Well, that energy's coming out of somewhere.

[2008] Well, because once you do it, you're addicted.

[2009] So it was like, I was, yeah, it was like right when it ended is when my body was like, you need more, you're going through withdrawals.

[2010] Really?

[2011] I went through.

[2012] One time.

[2013] one time.

[2014] It's all it takes.

[2015] Really?

[2016] Mm -hmm.

[2017] And then I literally sat in my room and just shook it all out and sweated.

[2018] And I remember making a vow to myself.

[2019] I was like, I am never doing this again.

[2020] And then finally it was like, someone asked me, they were like, have you ever, I was like, yeah, I've never done meth.

[2021] I mean, I've done ice.

[2022] And they're like, that's what that is, you dumb fuck.

[2023] And I was like, oh, man. I mean, it was not, not pleasant.

[2024] And you see how quickly people can become addicted to that stuff.

[2025] One time you're addicted.

[2026] All it sakes.

[2027] Wow.

[2028] So at the end of it, you're like, oh, my God, I'm so wrecked.

[2029] I just need a little to get me over.

[2030] And then next thing you know, you're doing a little all the time.

[2031] That's the same shit with Adderall, by the way.

[2032] That's what Adderall is.

[2033] It's just a very slow release.

[2034] I think that's what Xanax is.

[2035] I think that's what Mike it is.

[2036] You don't think so?

[2037] Those are different kinds of drugs.

[2038] They're not amphetamines.

[2039] Well, right.

[2040] The amphetamines are a real issue for people that seek productivity.

[2041] Yeah.

[2042] Right.

[2043] That's why you're trying to clean your house and organize and stuff.

[2044] It's just like, well.

[2045] Oh, man, that was brutal.

[2046] That's what happens with housewives.

[2047] They want to clean.

[2048] No, real ones.

[2049] Actual Housewives.

[2050] They want to organize L .A. Housewives, they take a fucking Adderall.

[2051] Just start...

[2052] Put it in a smoothie.

[2053] Putting all their books on the shelves in alphabetical order and that kind of shit.

[2054] Just listen to a podcast.

[2055] Calm down.

[2056] No. Just put your podcast on it.

[2057] Do both.

[2058] Both at the same time with a butt plug in.

[2059] They just...

[2060] They want a multitask.

[2061] So specific.

[2062] Yeah, they want a multitask.

[2063] get the old butt wrecker that's a good brand a buddy of mine who used to date a girl that like to do speed he said they're the best girls to have anal sex with because they never eat so they never shit and I was like I didn't need to know that and that is honesty he's like she never eats there's nothing going on down there because there's nothing worse than getting an oil slick that's not fun yeah I mean that's when it's over there's no coming back from that.

[2064] Some people can come back from that.

[2065] Some people on ice.

[2066] Yeah.

[2067] I don't care.

[2068] Get off.

[2069] I like the smell.

[2070] You don't know.

[2071] Son of a bitch.

[2072] Yeah.

[2073] Who's my dipstick?

[2074] Yeah.

[2075] Woo.

[2076] Yeah.

[2077] God.

[2078] You have to plan that, right?

[2079] You do.

[2080] You have to do it correctly.

[2081] You have to time your food intake and make sure you don't drink too much coffee.

[2082] It's a lot going on there.

[2083] It's a lot going on.

[2084] But if you find the one, you can do it right.

[2085] The one.

[2086] That's the one.

[2087] That's the one.

[2088] area where the good lord has done a disservice to gay folks.

[2089] They haven't given them a lot of options.

[2090] Yeah.

[2091] I mean, I don't.

[2092] It's good not to.

[2093] I can't.

[2094] I don't trust my butt.

[2095] I don't.

[2096] You shouldn't.

[2097] It's like I don't trust my butt.

[2098] I do not trust my butt.

[2099] I don't want anything in there.

[2100] Good move.

[2101] I don't want, I feel like it's like, I feel like there's an octopus beak that comes out and it'll just snap.

[2102] I feel like it's the Sarlake pit that Boba Fett fell into in Star Wars.

[2103] I don't trust my butt I don't If you try to put anything in there I'm just like Yikes Clamp nope Just do a lot of squats That way nobody would want to It's just too tight Just But that's kind of hot though Big legs are hot Yeah but not too big Like if your butt is so tight They're like literally It clamps down You know like people get sleep apnea Like football players do Because their neck is so big They can't It cuts off.

[2104] Oh, that's awful.

[2105] That's real?

[2106] Yeah, yeah.

[2107] There's so much muscle in their neck that when they lay back, like they choke to death.

[2108] Like football players would choke to death, falling asleep from sleep apnea, just from giant necks.

[2109] You can do that with your butt hole.

[2110] That makes sense.

[2111] But then dudes with little dicks would seek you out, like, aha.

[2112] Behold.

[2113] I found a place where it can be tough.

[2114] Oh, God.

[2115] There's nothing worse than a small dick.

[2116] Nothing worse?

[2117] Well, yeah.

[2118] But is that, that's a weird thing.

[2119] okay so like gay guys even though you don't want it in your butt you still want a big one yeah right I mean I get it but I don't get it I do get it it's like genetics do you want small tits I don't mind see I don't mind either but I think a lot of people in the I mean well wait the straight community and the straight a lot of people let me speak for the straight community they'll take whatever they can Let me speak for my people.

[2120] Uh -huh.

[2121] Go for it.

[2122] What they like is butts.

[2123] Girls are big butts.

[2124] Yes.

[2125] Why is that?

[2126] It's because it's genes.

[2127] It's like the genes are signaling that this is a healthy woman who will give birth easily.

[2128] Oh, it's the old medieval hip trick?

[2129] It's all.

[2130] It is all tricks.

[2131] She will labor many moon children and shit.

[2132] Why does someone want someone with perfect features?

[2133] Because you want someone with great genetics.

[2134] Like there's a bunch of things that are favored, right?

[2135] Like height.

[2136] tall men are favored strong men are favored um genetics big dicks mating yeah it's all it is it's all like genes but like if you see animal genes if you see like a Kendall Jenner who who's not like her sisters she has not wonder what happened because she wants to model so she can't have yeah she can't fill her ass up with like silicone and shit oh I thought you were talking about like facial surgery is that Kylie or Kendall which one had her oh my god let's play called Name the Cardassian with Joe Rogan.

[2137] Kendall's the model.

[2138] Kendall's the youngest.

[2139] Like, there's Kylie and Kendall.

[2140] Which one had her face changed?

[2141] Kylie.

[2142] Okay, so this is the other one.

[2143] I mean, which one.

[2144] But Kylie did.

[2145] Kylie did.

[2146] But Kendall's the one who kind of kept herself normal.

[2147] Not normal.

[2148] I don't want to say that.

[2149] She didn't fill her butt up.

[2150] She didn't fill her butt up.

[2151] She's a model.

[2152] She's doing fashion week.

[2153] She's, yeah, that's, okay.

[2154] So the one, oh my God.

[2155] Which one's which?

[2156] Kendall's on the left.

[2157] Kylie's on the right.

[2158] Okay.

[2159] So see how.

[2160] So the one on the left is natural and the one on the right.

[2161] It's the one she had her face fixed.

[2162] Yeah, so Kylie's like the billionaire who's, you know, selling makeup and tits and ass.

[2163] Look at those fake boobs.

[2164] Yeah.

[2165] Good Lord.

[2166] But Kendall, I mean.

[2167] So Kendall has real ones.

[2168] Kendall has, I mean.

[2169] Those are normal.

[2170] Those are normal.

[2171] The ones next to it.

[2172] Those are balloons.

[2173] So which one's more attractive to you?

[2174] Depends on how horny you are and how drunk you are.

[2175] Interesting.

[2176] And who's interested?

[2177] That is a good factor.

[2178] Whoever's.

[2179] Who's interested?

[2180] Yeah.

[2181] Who's going to be.

[2182] Yeah.

[2183] I've been horny and I've been drunk.

[2184] I bet you have.

[2185] Yeah.

[2186] I bet both at the same time, huh?

[2187] Oh, yeah.

[2188] Oh, yeah.

[2189] Oh, yeah.

[2190] Oh, yeah.

[2191] At the store, too.

[2192] I've done it.

[2193] I've tried it.

[2194] I've tried it.

[2195] I've tried it.

[2196] Pick them out of the audience.

[2197] Just, mm, I like you.

[2198] Jeans are strange, man. They are weird, huh?

[2199] What attracts people to others?

[2200] I mean, there's a lot of factors, right?

[2201] Like, mean, people are very unattractive.

[2202] Right.

[2203] Boring people are very unattractive.

[2204] stupid people are very unattractive there's a lot of factors but then then it gets down to like animal stuff like shapes shapes of bodies size of hogs right right size of hogs I think they're at Coachella this year oh it's the name of the band's of Hawks I get it I thought it was like a well I think yeah I think I think everybody and that's always been fascinating to me is when you see like the study of the law of attraction where it's like you see something you like how your pupils dilate and how you how you kind of like pheromones in weird shit i got a cologne god i can't remember what the oh it was called so that's who buys cologne huh gay guys what i was wondering what and who the fuck's buying cologne me how many different clones you have in your house uh um i probably have about like 10 whoa oh you're a connoisseur yeah do you have like a connoisseur yeah Like, tonight is the night.

[2205] Yeah.

[2206] I pull it out of the vault.

[2207] No, not this one.

[2208] No, well, I sign up for scent bird.

[2209] Sent bird is the cologne.

[2210] They send you a different cologne every month.

[2211] It's a cologne club.

[2212] It's like dollar shave club?

[2213] It's like for a clone.

[2214] It's like 1495.

[2215] You get a little viola cologne.

[2216] Jesus Christ.

[2217] Hey, I've been with them for two, three years.

[2218] Sent bird.

[2219] Oh, my God.

[2220] But I do it every year.

[2221] I'll have my January through my December.

[2222] smells.

[2223] You have different smells for different times.

[2224] Get the fuck out.

[2225] Okay, well, that's a wrap.

[2226] You have different smells for different times of the year?

[2227] Yeah, I got my spring, I got my summer, I got my fall, and I got a little spicy at the end of the year.

[2228] Oh, so you get spicy towards the fall in the wintertime?

[2229] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2230] Like a pumpkin -y, sort of a cinnamon, paprika.

[2231] Dolcea and Gabana, a little bit of rag and bone, a little bit, yeah.

[2232] And they have them all on there.

[2233] And they're nice.

[2234] I've always smelled good.

[2235] Okay.

[2236] I like, people are like, damn, you smell good.

[2237] I'm like, fuck, yeah, you're right.

[2238] Do you put like a tiny bit?

[2239] Tiny bit.

[2240] Just a touch.

[2241] Just, that's it.

[2242] But you have 10.

[2243] Yeah.

[2244] So, and they keep sending you more.

[2245] Are you worrying, you're going to run out of space?

[2246] People are going to come over your house, like, oh my God, Justin's insane.

[2247] Oh, God.

[2248] This fucking house is filled with a glow.

[2249] He's wallowing in his own filth.

[2250] No, I have, I have, usually I'll use, for the month.

[2251] I'll use that as my month.

[2252] and then, you know, if I don't use them, I'll save them.

[2253] Oh, you save them.

[2254] There is a cologne that I had.

[2255] It was called sexual.

[2256] Sexual.

[2257] Is that even a word or is that just some asshole?

[2258] It's some asshole, but let's just go with it.

[2259] This is how you say, like, when people would say in Spanish, can you tell me, wearo is the restauranteau?

[2260] Oh, yeah.

[2261] Sexualo.

[2262] Sexual.

[2263] But it had pheromones in it.

[2264] Oh, sure it did.

[2265] So it had pheromones in it, and every time I would wear it, women would be like, hmm hey you smell good because they probably took some fat guy and made him run on a treadmill and then they dripped his fucking underwear in each bottle it's just O Debert Kreiser yes there he is I didn't call you fat Justin Martindale did He does it all the time I don't think he's fat No he's He's thick with two seeds No if you just Google bird is fat You'll find I know but that's mean He's thick Tom and Bert They call each other fat The bear cave What is it The bear's it The bear's Two bears one cave Two bears.

[2266] Yeah.

[2267] That's a gay term.

[2268] Tell them.

[2269] You should tell them that.

[2270] They should know.

[2271] They probably don't know.

[2272] They probably don't know.

[2273] They'd probably be stunned and they have to change their podcast.

[2274] Two bears, one cave?

[2275] They're both bears.

[2276] In the gay community, those are bears.

[2277] So they didn't get the joke?

[2278] They didn't get the reference?

[2279] I think they know.

[2280] They should know.

[2281] Are they technically bears?

[2282] Yeah.

[2283] You have to be kind of a little buff to be a bear?

[2284] No. No. Just hairy.

[2285] Yeah.

[2286] And fat.

[2287] I don't know what you are.

[2288] Well, am I?

[2289] You're not a bear.

[2290] A chimp?

[2291] Huh?

[2292] A chimp?

[2293] A chimp?

[2294] No. Yeah, what is Joe Rogan in the gay community?

[2295] I think that's why we, I don't have a thing either.

[2296] Good.

[2297] Congratulations.

[2298] I used to be a twink and now I'm not.

[2299] And now I'm not hairy.

[2300] What changed?

[2301] I grew up, Joe.

[2302] Yeah, I grew up.

[2303] I fell down.

[2304] That's an issue with gay folks, right, as you get older.

[2305] See, older guys that are straight can get hoes.

[2306] Oh, absolutely.

[2307] Gold diggers.

[2308] Yeah.

[2309] Yeah.

[2310] I love a good old hoe.

[2311] I know some dudes who are just really old, and they have young, hot girlfriends or wives.

[2312] Oh, yeah.

[2313] And it's hilarious, because they got that cheddar.

[2314] Yeah.

[2315] They got that cheddar.

[2316] But then...

[2317] That doesn't work with guys, does it?

[2318] Yeah.

[2319] It does for Twinks, right?

[2320] It does for young gays.

[2321] The young gays.

[2322] There's definitely some where I've been like, this guy's like 85 years old.

[2323] It's like...

[2324] It's a 19 -year -old woman.

[2325] Oh, yeah.

[2326] Oh, yeah.

[2327] But that's okay in the gay community, whereas that's disgusting in the straight community.

[2328] If you see an 80 -year -old guy with an 18 -year -old girl, you want to beat him to death.

[2329] You piece of shit.

[2330] But if you see an 80 -year -old gay guy with an 18 -year -old boy, like, oh, found himself a fellow.

[2331] Yeah.

[2332] It's okay.

[2333] You also can look and be like, that'll do, pig.

[2334] But you know what also, the other way, if you find an 80 -year -old lady, and she's got a 24 -year -old boyfriend, you're like, you go, girl.

[2335] Go bitch.

[2336] You go.

[2337] Good for her.

[2338] Good for her.

[2339] Nobody's mad at her.

[2340] Yeah.

[2341] If anything, you're mad at the guy for, like, playing that old lady and getting her to buy you, a Corvette.

[2342] See, that's how I feel about Britney Spears right now.

[2343] Really?

[2344] Yeah.

[2345] What's going on with her?

[2346] She's kind of going through her thing.

[2347] What is her a thing?

[2348] She's just, you know, she's in a concert.

[2349] What's it called a conservatorship?

[2350] Conservatorship.

[2351] I don't know.

[2352] Conservatives.

[2353] Like, her dad's in charge of her and she's like almost 40.

[2354] Right.

[2355] Is that an issue?

[2356] Yeah, she's got like mental shit going on.

[2357] If you look at her Instagram, she's just walking down, just flipping her hair.

[2358] Let's go to an Instagram.

[2359] Oh, Jesus.

[2360] Here we go.

[2361] Brittany, I love you.

[2362] Came up a week ago.

[2363] I thought you were getting to this, but.

[2364] Oh, I've heard, like, we didn't get there, but I knew this was...

[2365] When I was having a conversation with Bill Maher, because...

[2366] He talked about this?

[2367] Well, I said she's hot, and Bill Maher said, what?

[2368] What are you talking about?

[2369] And then my wife gave me a ton of shit for saying that Britney Spears is hot.

[2370] She's like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

[2371] She's not hot?

[2372] She's, you know, there's a whole thing saying, you know, hashtag save Britney, because they just feel like she's not in control of anything in her life anymore.

[2373] Like, her dad owns everything.

[2374] She can't drive.

[2375] She can't do...

[2376] Right, but do anything there's a reason for that?

[2377] If she wasn't control, she, whoa, she doesn't, cracked out.

[2378] Yeah.

[2379] But she has, like, this hot 24 -year -old.

[2380] Wait, who put that photo up?

[2381] She did.

[2382] Let me see that photo.

[2383] Well, somebody did.

[2384] Oh, my God.

[2385] Go large with that picture.

[2386] Bro, look at those.

[2387] She looks completely insane.

[2388] Well, she's taking her pants off.

[2389] She's got tattoos right next to her pussy.

[2390] Well, I mean, who doesn't?

[2391] Me. Can't wait for spring.

[2392] Can't wait for spring.

[2393] What?

[2394] That's her, that's her captions?

[2395] All the emojis.

[2396] All of the emojis.

[2397] Yeah, every emoji.

[2398] She's got like a shoe, an egg, plant.

[2399] And look at that one there.

[2400] What's going on with this one?

[2401] 2020, I will be doing a lot more acro yoga.

[2402] Let me hear this, please.

[2403] I'm going to open up my back and my chest, and I'm out here with my dogs, and we're going to have a beautiful day.

[2404] Oh, you just killed my fantasies.

[2405] She looks like a 70 -year -old lady.

[2406] My babies.

[2407] What is this?

[2408] What's going on?

[2409] This is acro yoga?

[2410] she just does that she'll she looks crazy she'll walk through her house and she does these little fashion shows where she'll put on like her outfits and just spin around and you're just kind of like what and now doesn't she do a residency in Vegas no she did what is she doing now she canceled her residency like days before it was supposed to open half friends of mine who were supposed to dance in her second residency that she was doing days before they canceled it because that was the whole thing like her dad said no apparently like her dad even slapped one of her kids in front like it was really fucked up yeah this is true or you just no no no this is all real it's i mean it's out there no no no it's out there no it's out there it's out there it's out there it's real oh it's real yeah she does a cookie for cocoa puffs yeah and so now you know everyone wants her to like everyone's rooting for and everything and it's it's just everyone they are we're rooting for brittie spears what's going on here she's in hawaii it's my birthday Bitches.

[2411] How old is she?

[2412] She's probably 37, 38.

[2413] Okay, she's bowling.

[2414] What happened to her butt?

[2415] Where they go?

[2416] Look at that.

[2417] She's going to bowl a strike.

[2418] Yay!

[2419] I know.

[2420] It's so sad.

[2421] But where was it going with this?

[2422] Oh yeah.

[2423] She has like this hot 24 -year -old boyfriend.

[2424] Good.

[2425] I hope she buys him a car.

[2426] Is that him?

[2427] Yeah, look at this guy.

[2428] Let me see.

[2429] He's a moose.

[2430] He's a handsome fellow.

[2431] He's an elk.

[2432] What's going on around his neck?

[2433] Is that a neck pillow for an airplane?

[2434] Does he just wear that everywhere?

[2435] Probably.

[2436] He gets sleepy.

[2437] If he gets sleepy.

[2438] So he doesn't have sleep apnea.

[2439] He leaves his head on that fucking neck pillow.

[2440] God.

[2441] I mean, and that tree, come on.

[2442] She does look like she's out of her fucking mind.

[2443] Yeah.

[2444] So Bill Marr was right.

[2445] I'm sorry, Bill.

[2446] Yeah.

[2447] That one where she's doing the aqua yoga, that was sad.

[2448] Yeah.

[2449] That's sad.

[2450] There's a lot of them where you're just kind of like.

[2451] Just seems crazy.

[2452] I know.

[2453] I mean, yeah, it's just a lot of head flips.

[2454] And then I, yeah.

[2455] Yeah, well, she's probably insane.

[2456] I mean, wasn't she like 16 when she made it?

[2457] I mean, that's the story of Hollywood.

[2458] You know, it's like you start out at like six, pump you full of pills and then...

[2459] You know who's all right, kind of, sort of?

[2460] Who?

[2461] Macaulay Culkin.

[2462] He's on the cover of a, what's it called this?

[2463] In March, Vanity Fair, they just released it this morning.

[2464] Esquire.

[2465] He looks good.

[2466] GQ.

[2467] Something like that.

[2468] Sports Illustrated.

[2469] Yeah, he's doing well.

[2470] Bears and caves.

[2471] Bears and caves.

[2472] He's in here.

[2473] Bowen alone.

[2474] We had a real good conversation.

[2475] I really enjoyed his company.

[2476] He's a nice guy.

[2477] And he realizes, McCullochin is not like you.

[2478] The 39 -year -old.

[2479] Yeah, Esquire.

[2480] That's what it is.

[2481] Esquire.

[2482] Call him Mac.

[2483] He's March 2020 cover boy.

[2484] Has been liberated longer than it.

[2485] He's an interesting guy.

[2486] He really is.

[2487] I bet he is.

[2488] He's gone, he knows he's gone through something that you're not supposed to go through.

[2489] Like, he knows.

[2490] He knows that he did something you're not supposed to do.

[2491] He developed as a human being.

[2492] Oh, really gone.

[2493] in a gigantic population of people.

[2494] Like, everyone knew who he was.

[2495] Oh, yeah.

[2496] He's hugely famous when he was a little boy, and that's not good for anybody.

[2497] Well, and people would see him on the streets and be like, do the thing, do the thing, I'm sure.

[2498] I'm sure he still gets that.

[2499] And you can't say, no, they get fucking maddy.

[2500] They want to kick you.

[2501] Yeah.

[2502] But Britney Spears, man, like, she was, when did she make it?

[2503] How old was she?

[2504] She made it in 1999 was her first hit.

[2505] She was also on the Mickey Mouse Club before that.

[2506] club with Justin Timberlake and J .C. Shazze.

[2507] She's double -triple -fucked.

[2508] Yeah.

[2509] Yeah.

[2510] She's fucked.

[2511] She looks crazy.

[2512] She's probably pilled up.

[2513] Probably got her on all kinds of stuff.

[2514] She had a show with her husband at the time called Chaotic with Kevin Federline.

[2515] And they followed her around and she was like yacked out of her mind.

[2516] He's one of those gold diggers on the male side.

[2517] We only have two.

[2518] Him and Tom Arnold.

[2519] The only ones have made it.

[2520] We got two up on the board.

[2521] There are so many women.

[2522] who have made so much money off men and divorces and only two men that I know of that have really scored and scored well.

[2523] Who else?

[2524] Someone else?

[2525] Yes.

[2526] Anna Nicole Smith's X. Really?

[2527] I think so, yeah.

[2528] Kevin Federline's all fat now.

[2529] He's got a giant belly.

[2530] Just takes care of the kids.

[2531] He's got custody too, which is not a good sign.

[2532] You know, when the ex has custody and it's a guy, that usually means you're a fuck -up.

[2533] Yeah.

[2534] Or you've got some issues mentally.

[2535] So it's like, I mean, that's what happens.

[2536] Or you don't like kids.

[2537] Yeah.

[2538] You're like, hey, bro, you can have them.

[2539] That's what happens.

[2540] And here's a Ferrari.

[2541] It happened to Whitney Houston.

[2542] Happen to Michael Jackson.

[2543] Happen to Prince.

[2544] Happen to Amy Whitehouse.

[2545] Well, Michael Jackson, those are not his kids.

[2546] Oh, no, no, no, no. Yeah.

[2547] What do you mean?

[2548] Oh, you mean going crazy.

[2549] Yeah.

[2550] It's like you go down that route.

[2551] You start taking fentanyl.

[2552] Well, I don't think anybody's supposed to be famous.

[2553] And I think being famous is probably one of the weird or fucking things that could happen to a human being.

[2554] And I think that as it's happening to you, your reality distorts in a way that you're not, you don't have normal interactions anymore.

[2555] And so then your foundation of who you are as a person deteriorates.

[2556] Now, if you grow up that way, it's even stranger because then your foundation never existed.

[2557] You never had a foundation.

[2558] You are always in this weird, strange world.

[2559] and then oftentimes it goes away.

[2560] Like, remember when Gary Coleman was a security guard and people would show up at his job and mock him?

[2561] He was just trying to get enough money to eat.

[2562] Literally, I mean, when you're working as a security guard, you're getting, what, $15 an hour if you're lucky?

[2563] You're just trying to eat.

[2564] That's all you're trying to do.

[2565] It's like that guy from Trader Joe's who was on, like, the Cosby show.

[2566] Exactly.

[2567] Well, it's wrong with a guy trying to make a living.

[2568] They're like, look how gross he is.

[2569] It's like, no, do you do that to everybody that's at the fucking Trader Joe's?

[2570] No, you say hi.

[2571] you say hi they bag your groceries and it's fine but it's almost worse to have been someone and then not be someone than it is to have never no it is worse in people's eyes but it's that same thing it's like when people look at you when you're on television and go like oh fuck him you know like what they were saying like would people take shots at you like fuck him he's on tv i'll fucking take shots at him but then when you're not anymore and then you have a regular job then it's like they have an extra desire to shit oh yeah those same kind of people.

[2572] It's power.

[2573] Yes.

[2574] It's gross.

[2575] Now they're doing better than you.

[2576] Visceral power, yeah.

[2577] Yeah, they're doing better than you.

[2578] I got my own house.

[2579] Look at you, you fucking loser in your apartment.

[2580] I've got an ATM card.

[2581] I got everything.

[2582] Yeah.

[2583] You ain't got shit.

[2584] You used to be on TV.

[2585] That went away.

[2586] I bought a round of drinks.

[2587] I had a guy shit on me once.

[2588] He was working at the behind the counter at us.

[2589] Not really.

[2590] Behind the counter at a CVS.

[2591] And I couldn't figure out what he was trying to do.

[2592] But he's being rude to me. The CVS.

[2593] He's like, he goes, hey, you're that.

[2594] guy from that show.

[2595] I go, yep.

[2596] He goes, what happened to that show, huh?

[2597] I'm going to go, what?

[2598] Fear Factor?

[2599] I go, what do you think happened?

[2600] He goes, I don't know.

[2601] You tell me what happened to that show.

[2602] It's like, mean to me. I go, it got canceled.

[2603] He's like, yeah.

[2604] I'm like, bro, you work in fucking CVS.

[2605] Yeah.

[2606] Relax.

[2607] What are you doing?

[2608] This is fear factor.

[2609] Yeah, and I didn't go after him.

[2610] I was like, this is so ridiculous.

[2611] I was like, this, he was lucky I was high.

[2612] I was like, this is so weird because he was he was literally trying to insult me you know not realizing that I had done things since I'm okay but to him I'm not on TV anymore so must be a fucking loser so he's trying to make me feel bad what happened to that show what happened I wish I could tell you but it was like a weird like I didn't do anything you man I just came here to buy gum or whatever the fuck I'm buying yeah can I have my mile long receipt shut up already why he'd being weird with me but he was just a dick behind the counter dick yeah like yeah Yeah, you used to be on TV, nothing anymore.

[2613] A BTCD.

[2614] Behind the counter dick.

[2615] Do do, do, do, do, do, do.

[2616] People are weird with people that are successful.

[2617] You know, that there's a thing where they don't look, in general, people don't look to people that are doing well as inspiration.

[2618] They look at them with envy.

[2619] It's like a natural human instinct.

[2620] And it's that attack, and that's where we're at now with, like, cancel culture and stuff.

[2621] It's like, oh, we want to see somebody stumble or fall, because, If we do, we can drag them down.

[2622] And then we'll get, you know, and if we see that, and if we post it, then we'll get all the likes and the favorites and the retweets.

[2623] Look what I found.

[2624] Look what I did.

[2625] Look what I discovered.

[2626] Yeah.

[2627] Fuck him.

[2628] But they don't realize all that shit's just going to come back around to get them.

[2629] It's going to come back and bite them in the ass.

[2630] Elkimate with a side of jalapenos.

[2631] It feels bad.

[2632] It just feels bad even when you're doing it.

[2633] You think you're going to, like if you say mean shit to people.

[2634] that you don't even know like that can't feel good it seems like it would feel good but it doesn't feel good it's gonna come back around on you yeah it's a weird way you know giving people the access to things like social media it's a weird way to communicate and it's not natural and so many people use it and abuse it so many kids use it oh my god and that's what's terrifying all those people being mean to you on your Instagram if you could find out what the median age and who these people are and what their life was like you probably be like oh well I'm gonna feel bad Yeah.

[2635] You're fucking 12.

[2636] Yeah.

[2637] Where are your parents?

[2638] And you're a 50 -year -old loser, and, you know, where are you parents?

[2639] Yeah.

[2640] Yeah.

[2641] Do your parents even know you have an Instagram account, you little fuck?

[2642] I mean, I've had instances where, you know, when we started the show on Snapchat, because Snapchat, I guess, used to be, like, for nudes.

[2643] 12 -year -olds.

[2644] But, like, you see it one time and then...

[2645] Oh, it would go away.

[2646] It would go away.

[2647] So you could be like, here's my dick, and you're like, oh, and then it goes away.

[2648] But it doesn't go away.

[2649] screenshot it.

[2650] but there was some times where it was like, you know, I had to like call and be like, hey, no. I had like a girl who had a, a dildo and was like using it on herself.

[2651] And you had to call them and say don't have, no, I had to call, I had to call like, whoever was in charge of the show.

[2652] I was like, hey, like, because it was Snapchat had just come out and I didn't know what the hell.

[2653] I'm like, I'm not the demographic of Snapchat, but I was just kind of like, I felt bad because it was, I was like, clearly the girl didn't know.

[2654] She was like, how did she not know?

[2655] Well, I don't know.

[2656] Maybe she did know.

[2657] That's how she drums up customers.

[2658] But it was just, it was just, I mean, it was fucking disturbing.

[2659] Was it?

[2660] Oh, yeah.

[2661] She's going hard in the paint.

[2662] Uh, yeah, but it was just like, oh, like, where's your parents?

[2663] Like, why?

[2664] How old was you?

[2665] 50?

[2666] Mm -mm.

[2667] Where's your parents?

[2668] They're dead.

[2669] Yeah.

[2670] And this ur and on top of my mantle.

[2671] Trying to kill myself with this beer bottle.

[2672] She was young.

[2673] oh yeah a lot of people are bad parents bro they do a terrible job do you ever think you to adopt kids no good for you look at joe like how quick he answered no no it's not my thing not even a cat right no i'd have a man i'd have a cat maybe a cat no kids for me though because you could leave town for a weekend with a cat just leave a lot of water and a lot of food it's got nine lives yeah i don't think they really do no they're just flexible yeah yeah they can store on that body fat you know get a big So where are you doing this tour?

[2674] And where can people find out about it if they want to come see you?

[2675] Actually, I'm doing a tour with Jim Jeffries.

[2676] So I'm doing his oblivious tour.

[2677] So you check the dates.

[2678] I just did a thing.

[2679] The Australia Fire Relief.

[2680] We actually just came back from Houston and New Orleans and he had to go do that show.

[2681] Oh, really?

[2682] It was one downtown.

[2683] It was like when Kobe died.

[2684] Yes.

[2685] The day of.

[2686] We were really bummed about that.

[2687] It was really weird to do.

[2688] We actually took off in the plane and we all got our CNN notifications and we all just sat there like, oh shit.

[2689] Like what?

[2690] Yeah.

[2691] It was pretty brutal.

[2692] I found out about it from Bert.

[2693] Bert.

[2694] We have a group text going on.

[2695] Mm -hmm.

[2696] Bert told me. It was pretty early.

[2697] And I just remember him being like, oh, man, I got to get the fuck downtown.

[2698] It's going to be crazy.

[2699] And it's like, yeah.

[2700] It was.

[2701] Yeah.

[2702] It was crazy.

[2703] So I'm doing that with him all year.

[2704] And then, yeah, I got the show coming out on E in March.

[2705] It's called The Fox.

[2706] funny dance show now that's the dance off thing yeah yeah yeah comics dancing off for $10 ,000 for a charity of their choice and I'm the judge Lonnie love is on as a judge and Allison Holker who is a dancer and they pick the song they have to practice are they practicing they have to practice for like a week oh Christ and then so we got like Ron Funches on it yeah yeah we got like Ron Funches we've got Ron Funch is the most positive comedian available today he's no he's great He's like cultivating being nice and being positive, and I really appreciate it.

[2707] I did his podcast that he does, and it just felt like the warmest hug afterwards.

[2708] I was like, oh, I needed this in my soul.

[2709] That's what he's like.

[2710] I know.

[2711] He's genuinely like that, yeah.

[2712] He's such a nice guy.

[2713] Yeah, we've got.

[2714] And like, cultivate him.

[2715] We have fortune, Brad Williams.

[2716] I love fortune.

[2717] I mean, it's a cool, like.

[2718] I love Brad Williams too, but I mean, yeah.

[2719] I just had to say, I love fortune.

[2720] Yeah, she's great.

[2721] I don't want to leave.

[2722] Brad out.

[2723] Wow.

[2724] I love Brad.

[2725] I mean, it's going to be really, really fun.

[2726] And then, uh, yeah, I mean, you could find me on Instagram at Justin Martindale.

[2727] Beautiful.

[2728] Easy.

[2729] Don't find me on Twitter.

[2730] Let's wrap this motherfucker up.

[2731] Yeah, let's do it.

[2732] Are you blocking people as well?

[2733] No, I need to start, though.

[2734] Should be?

[2735] Yeah.

[2736] Why don't just mute them?

[2737] I know.

[2738] Well, I'm just talking to the void.

[2739] That is fun.

[2740] Just scream.

[2741] Scream into the vortex.

[2742] Why are you ignoring me?

[2743] I'll see you in hell.

[2744] The best thing to say to someone.

[2745] All right, buddy.

[2746] Thank you, man. Thank you, my brother.

[2747] I'll see you soon.

[2748] Are you at the store this week?

[2749] No, I'll be in Vegas.

[2750] Oh, shit.

[2751] Are you going to gamble your life for you?

[2752] Probably.

[2753] Okay.

[2754] Justin Martindale .com.

[2755] Justin Martindale on Twitter, Instagram.

[2756] Just Martin Dale on Twitter.

[2757] Just Martin Dale.

[2758] Just Martin Dale.

[2759] Just Martin Dale on Instagram.

[2760] Okay.

[2761] Yeah.

[2762] All right.

[2763] Thanks, buddy.

[2764] That was fun.

[2765] You got it.

[2766] Yay.

[2767] Bye, everybody.