MFM Minisode 304

[0] This is exactly right.

[1] And welcome.

[2] To my favorite murder.

[3] The minisode.

[4] We read you your stories and special bonus for the fan cult.

[5] This is being videoed.

[6] So if you are in the fan cult or want to join the fan cult, you can watch us read you your letters.

[7] Sometimes when you're listening to these, you're like, what hand gesture is Georgie using right now?

[8] I would love to know.

[9] Now you can.

[10] Great question.

[11] As I gesture wildly.

[12] You should see her hand.

[13] One hand's up above her head.

[14] One's way down by your ankles.

[15] Okay.

[16] Is this, now what?

[17] Yeah.

[18] There's an aerobic element.

[19] Yeah.

[20] There's so many visuals to podcasts.

[21] And now you can know what they are.

[22] It's like a secret language.

[23] Yeah.

[24] Go to my favorite murder .com.

[25] Do you want to go first?

[26] That was a hard sell.

[27] I know.

[28] It was.

[29] I'm going to kick this one off in a very satisfying way because it's a celebrity story, which I think we asked for.

[30] at some point.

[31] Definitely.

[32] It just gets right into it.

[33] Quite a while back, you asked for celebrity encounters, and here's my best one.

[34] My best friend in college was a beautiful oddball from Connecticut whose family was from Long Island, pronounced Long Island by her fabulous mother with 80s hair and hands heavy with diamonds, and her intimidating New York Italian father, whose impressive income came from various, quote unquote, investments that no one asked about.

[35] So what you were talking about as the Sopranos.

[36] You were in the Sopranos.

[37] Yeah.

[38] In the spring of my sophomore year, my friend invited me to a small birthday party in her hometown for her godfather.

[39] I didn't ask too many details, just eager to get off campus of our conservative college in nowhere, New Hampshire.

[40] I started to get an inkling, though, as we pulled up to the outrageously long driveway of what looked like an Italian villa plopped in suburbia, that this wasn't a run -of -the -mill, celebrate your Uncle Mickey's birthday at the local Polish hall, that this middle -class Irish Catholic girl was used to.

[41] Oh, I love it.

[42] That's so true.

[43] We were greeted at the door by a beautiful blonde woman placing yellow lays over our heads and a gestured invitation to make ourselves at home.

[44] The selection at the bar was so expensive, though.

[45] I assumed it was for display purposes and didn't take anything until I saw others help themselves.

[46] As I questioned my clothing choices and attempted to look like I belonged, I saw a creature stumble past the door to the backyard.

[47] He was very small, wearing a raggedy bandana and powder -blue ugg boots, and clicking a lighter over and over attempting to light a joint.

[48] My brain glitched for a moment until the words came out.

[49] Was that Keith Richards?

[50] Oh, my God, I would never have guessed.

[51] Oh, yeah, my godfather is his bodyguard.

[52] This is his house.

[53] My friend replied, casual.

[54] That's in all caps.

[55] My brain played ketchup for a moment, and I realized, that the beautiful blonde woman at the door was Patty Hansen.

[56] Holy shit.

[57] Of course, I immediately texted my mother.

[58] Mom, I'm at Keith Richards' house for a birthday barbecue.

[59] She writes back, is that someone you go to school with?

[60] No mom from the Rolling Stones.

[61] And then my mother, at dinner in my small hometown in this next state over, stood up in the restaurant and began excitedly telling everyone that would listen, my daughter is at Keith Richards' house right now and pointing to her phone.

[62] Oh, my God.

[63] See?

[64] She texts me. See everybody at Applebees?

[65] I tried the rest of the night to appear unfazed, as if I always drank Johnny Walker Blue from fancy tumblers.

[66] Johnny Walker Blue.

[67] The fanciest.

[68] And not shots directly from handles of Seagram 7.

[69] However, after dinner, I found a spot around the campfire to roast a marshmallow, and a minute later realized Keith Richards had plop down right next to me. He began tossing pine cones into the fire that burst into colorful flames upon contact.

[70] After watching him for a few minutes, the extremely clever and cool thing my brain mustered up was, are those normal pine cones?

[71] You did it.

[72] Are those normal pinecots?

[73] And he then turned his head slowly, considered me with a rather withering look and replied, yes, darling, but I'm not doing a British accent correctly at all.

[74] Yes, darling.

[75] But when they touch my hands, they'd be.

[76] become magical.

[77] And he wiggled his fingers a la Jack Sparrow.

[78] To that I laughed nervously and elected not to speak again that night or ever in my life.

[79] So anyway, that's how I ended up sitting around to campfire getting chastised by Keith Richards for my limited pyrotechnic knowledge.

[80] No pictures, but I still have the yellow lay hanging on my dresser mirror.

[81] Stay sexy and make friends with beautiful oddballs, AK from M .A. Love it.

[82] Love that story.

[83] You went to Heath Richards' house.

[84] Like, what...

[85] Who does that?

[86] And also, you hung.

[87] Like, asking the question are those regular pine cones, although funny in retrospect, is also just you being in the moment with the most famous rock star second only to Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney.

[88] And you're also in college.

[89] Like, you're not great at conversation skills yet, especially with adults.

[90] So it's okay.

[91] Sorry, we've all been to campfires.

[92] Have you ever thrown into pine cone and have it had magical, like, colorful sprinklings come out?

[93] I don't know what they do when they explode.

[94] I would have asked the question, too.

[95] I would like to know.

[96] Can you buy magical exploding colorful pine cones?

[97] Or did they all do that?

[98] Also, then, if I were AK from M .A., after he said when, after they hit my hands, they're magical, I would have screamed at the top, because of the Johnny Walker blue, I would have screamed at the top of my lungs, do it again, do it again.

[99] Or you're a liar, you're a witch.

[100] You're a witch.

[101] Okay.

[102] This is called the time I was in a boat crash in Alaska.

[103] Oh.

[104] Hey, besties.

[105] This very weird story has come up in my life multiple times recently, and while listening to some old episodes of boat -related incidents, I decided I should send it in.

[106] When I was four, the hospital my dad works at asked if he would like to move himself and his family to Fairbanks, Alaska for the summer, to cover another employee's maternity leave, and he and my mom said, why not?

[107] It was an incredible experience and for being quite small, I remember a lot about our time out there.

[108] One memory that's stuck in my brain forever is the time our day cruise hit an iceberg, Titanic style, and we had to be rescued from the open ocean by a fellow cruise ship.

[109] My four -year -old memories are in this order.

[110] We feel a bump.

[111] My parents make weird faces.

[112] Captain tells us to put on life jackets.

[113] I magically have a life jacket on.

[114] My older sibling, born female, but identifies as non -binary.

[115] starts telling me about the Titanic.

[116] Ah, older siblings.

[117] My older sibling, Rachel, is incredibly smart and highly autistic.

[118] At the time, they were seven, and of course they knew all about the Titanic.

[119] They told me all about how it hit an iceberg and proceeded to sink, which led me to believe we were going to die.

[120] I was quite shy and reserved, and as any good younger sibling does, I simply kept these thoughts and emotions to myself as my sibling continued titanicking.

[121] Obviously we didn't die, and I don't remember a lot of what happened in between learning about the Titanic, my impending death, and us being rescued, but another cruise ship sailed over to come get us.

[122] Since cruise ships are big, they can't get them super close together, right?

[123] Well, you know, what makes a really good bridge?

[124] A plank of wood.

[125] They got the ships as close as they could and placed a nice homemade bridge for us to walk across the open ocean onto a boat that hadn't hit an iceberg.

[126] The memory of being literally four and looking down into absolutely black, freezing cold ocean water is pretty terrifying.

[127] I wonder if that's why I'm scared of the ocean, shrug emoji.

[128] The nice boat attendants helped me across because we could only go one person at a time.

[129] It's like walking the fucking plank, but you're four.

[130] How do you let a four -year -old walk that plane as a parent?

[131] Like, how is that like, well, we have to.

[132] Go ahead, honey.

[133] How about piggybacks?

[134] Yeah.

[135] I honestly just remember the really scary water and lots of hands reaching for me. Needless to say, I don't feel the need to go on another cruise of any kind.

[136] Thank you for your podcast.

[137] You've been my ears constantly as I go through my weird post -college being 23 life transition.

[138] Thanks for helping me through some other big life things such as hip surgery, sinus surgery, and being alive in general.

[139] Stay sexy and don't go on cruises, Emma.

[140] God.

[141] Yeah.

[142] What are the odds?

[143] basically reenacting the Titanic in freezing cold Alaskan waters.

[144] No, don't want to know.

[145] Don't want to try to find out.

[146] Also, why wouldn't they have something better than a plank?

[147] Yeah, like a little tugboat.

[148] There should be like a little lifeboat.

[149] Yeah, or like something with sides.

[150] Like if you're trying to get people off the sinking thing and keep them out of the water, it almost is like a final challenge as opposed to help.

[151] of any.

[152] Yeah.

[153] Hopefully in the last 20 years they've figured something better out, or they just don't crash anymore.

[154] I don't know.

[155] Yeah, true.

[156] Maybe they've really gotten their sonar down.

[157] Karen, you know I'm all about vintage shopping.

[158] Absolutely.

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[176] Goodbye.

[177] The subject line of this hometown is lies I've told my nieces.

[178] And it just starts.

[179] When I was in my early 20s, my sister was in the process of going through.

[180] the police academy.

[181] She was a single mom to twin girls.

[182] God damn.

[183] Wow.

[184] I mean, Jesus.

[185] And asked if I wouldn't mind moving in to help out.

[186] As I was looking for any excuse to avoid figuring out what to do with my life, I said yes.

[187] I worked at Starbucks during the day, but was the primary caregiver for the girls at all other times.

[188] My sister's training was very intensive and went long hours.

[189] So cut to me, the youngest sister whose main kid experience was being a YMCA camp counselor, who now has to make sure that two four -year -olds eat their goddamn peas and don't murder each other.

[190] Wow.

[191] Grocery shopping and bedtime were always daunting tasks that frequently ended with one or three of us curled up on the floor sobbing that we just want to go home.

[192] Then finally, one over -caffeinated afternoon came the solution.

[193] I fucking love this.

[194] I told my nieces about the lady in the shadows.

[195] She lives in the back part of the grocery store that you see employees come in and out of.

[196] She has spiders coming out of her hair and she has snakes for fingers.

[197] She was once a little girl named Susie, who was banished to the stock rooms because she told her parents no three times when they asked her to complete a chore.

[198] There she lurched waiting for kids to run off from their parents so she could snatch them away and torment them.

[199] And then this is all separate period after the word.

[200] It fucking worked.

[201] There was Nariah, a rogue twin in the H .E .B. Anyway, the next thing is parentheses.

[202] It says, the best grocery chain ever.

[203] From then on out.

[204] The library had a similar monster once named Timmy, who refused to do his sight words.

[205] They also believed that Kesha sneezed glitter until they were 12 years old.

[206] That's a great one.

[207] They are turning 16 this year and are firmly in the teenage.

[208] phase, but they still bring up the stories I told when we were in the grocery store.

[209] It's such an amazing coping mechanism where you're just like...

[210] Whatever works.

[211] Yes.

[212] They taught me so much about what it means to love, be selfless, and just pull shit out of my ass to fix a problem.

[213] My sister has since left the police department.

[214] She had many years of upstanding service.

[215] After one too many times of being demeaned, condescended, and harassed, she said, fuck it, this is bullshit.

[216] She's the most badass woman I know and could still beat me up, even though I'm four inches taller.

[217] Thank y 'all for everything you do.

[218] And there's no name.

[219] Aw.

[220] Antis.

[221] Yay for aunties.

[222] Telling lies.

[223] I truly love it so much.

[224] This is called, are we still talking about Filipino moms?

[225] Hey, best friends, buckle up because I have a lot to share.

[226] As soon as I was able to cut my own nails, my mom, Angelina, warned me excessively not to cut them after dark.

[227] I would ask my mom why, and she never gave me an answer, only saying, it's not good.

[228] Don't do it.

[229] Okay, well, being the good little girl I was, always listening to my mother, I did what I was told.

[230] Legit, I never cut my nails at night.

[231] But one day, I googled that shit.

[232] Why can't I cut my nails at night?

[233] And Google told me, quote, Filipino superstition, parents will die or become sick.

[234] Oh.

[235] No wonder she didn't want me cutting my nails after dark, looking out for her damn self.

[236] But there are definitely times when she's looking out for me. For example, every birthday I must eat noodles.

[237] She prefers it if I eat Pancet, which is a traditional Filipino noodle dish.

[238] The reason I must eat noodles on the exact day I was born, nudes symbolize long life, the longer the noodles, the bigger the wish for long life.

[239] So at least she wants me to have a nice long life.

[240] Another superstition, one is not allowed to gift shoes to another.

[241] So whenever I asked for moon boots or Doc Martins for my birthday slash Christmas, she'd get them for me, but I had to pay her a penny or something for each shoe.

[242] Apparently, Filipinos believe the gift of shoes represents the person who receives it will either walk away from you or walk over you.

[243] And to counteract that, the receiver has to pay for the shoes so they weren't a, quote, gift.

[244] She got my partner Crocs for Christmas, and I totally forgot about this one, so I didn't warn him.

[245] He was scrambling to find some coins to give her.

[246] It was kind of comical.

[247] Speaking of money, my mom always throws coins out the car window when we pass a funeral procession.

[248] and now, out of habit, I do it too.

[249] She told me that it's a Filipino superstition to provide the dead with toll money for the afterlife.

[250] Because, of course, there's a toll to pay.

[251] You might be dead, but capitalism never dies.

[252] My mom is super Catholic, yet so superstitious, but if you think about it, it makes sense.

[253] One must suspend disbelief to have faith in Catholicism, God, Jesus Christ, the whole kitten caboodle, and the same is true to believe these superstitions.

[254] I just always found it funny that my strict Catholic mom told me she used, used to read tarot cards when she was younger, but scolded me for having a Ouija board.

[255] In retrospect, she was right to hide my Ouija board from me. Stay sexy and listen to your Filipino mother, Jen.

[256] I thought it would be cool if we had other people send in their family superstitions.

[257] Sure.

[258] Then is your culture, family superstitions.

[259] We want to hear them.

[260] All right.

[261] Let's see.

[262] This last one, the headline is just gossip, gossip, gossip.

[263] And then it starts, bitch.

[264] Which makes me think my friend Dave wrote this, because that's literally when I answered funny.

[265] It goes, bitch.

[266] And then it goes.

[267] So I just listened to the minisode where the babysitter realized she was being contracted to watch the kids while the wife cheats.

[268] And I have to say, be careful what you do say around kids.

[269] They are smarter than you think.

[270] And boy, do I have tea for you.

[271] So one afternoon, I'm picking up my kindergart from school.

[272] And as soon as we get in the car, I start the typical how is your day questions.

[273] My five -year -old then proceeded to tell me he played with his friend Tommy and that Tommy told him that Jimmy's mom is his dad's girlfriend.

[274] That's when I snapped out of my autopilot mode responses of, oh, yeah, that's great, and processed what my child just said.

[275] This might not seem like juicy gossip to you, but the thing is that I know these two individuals are married and not to each other.

[276] Oh, no. I looked at him through the rear -view mirror and asked him to repeat himself.

[277] he did.

[278] Then stated that Tommy saw his dad kiss Jimmy's mom and asked him about it.

[279] Timmy's dad said she was his friend, but it was a secret.

[280] Then Timmy told my son about the secret.

[281] I've always told my kids that we do not keep secrets and that what someone tells them to keep it secret, they must tell dad and me immediately because secrets are bad and we only keep happy surprises.

[282] And then in parentheses it says child abuse prevention.

[283] So naturally, that's what he did.

[284] So now I'm stuck with this.

[285] piece of information that I do not want and refuse to suffer alone, so I'm sharing it with you all.

[286] So I guess the moral of the story is, kids are smarter than you think, but stupid enough not to keep your dirty, lying, cheating secret.

[287] Disclaimer, all names were changed in this story.

[288] X -O -X -O -X -Gossip Girl.

[289] And then it says in parentheses, Kristen Bell's voice.

[290] Wow.

[291] That's straight up.

[292] They are telling us that, so they don't repeat it to people who would actually know and care.

[293] Yeah.

[294] Which I think is really funny.

[295] I feel like you got to tell the dad, hey, guess what was said?

[296] Be more fucking careful, dude.

[297] No, don't help him cheat.

[298] What do you mean?

[299] Not help him, but just be like, stop cheating.

[300] Your kid is fucking aware of it and you're lucky I'm not a piece of shit and trying to ruin your marriage.

[301] I don't know.

[302] It's just so gross to tell the kid, like, keep the secret.

[303] Totally.

[304] Now that's an overstep.

[305] Yeah.

[306] Get out.

[307] For sure.

[308] No mercy.

[309] This one is called my father's famous Coco.

[310] Hello.

[311] I was listening to a mini about drunk kids, and it reminded me of a family favorite, so here goes.

[312] In the late 70s, my household was that of two working parents.

[313] We lived in a quiet suburb of Denver and ate home -cooked meals together every evening.

[314] Some nights, my mom would cook and serve and then leave for her night shift as a phlebotomist at a military -based laboratory, and my dad would clean up and put us to bed.

[315] Nights with my mom were calm and snugly, but those nights with my dad were rowdy.

[316] Wrestling and fortbuilding and Lincoln logs, oh my.

[317] Needless to say, my mother would always say, Neil, you'll never get them to bed if you get them so riled up.

[318] And much to her surprise, he always seemed to easily accomplish this task.

[319] She would ask him his secret and he would simply say, I wear them out and they fall asleep.

[320] Years later, at a family dinner, we were reminiscing about mom's famous and favorite dishes from childhood.

[321] When I piped up with, remember dad's special cocoa?

[322] My sister and I oohed and awed and awe over the memory of that savory and oh so pepperminny beverage when my dad calmly and without facial expression said, oh yeah, I spiked it with peppermint schnapps to get you two to calm the fuck down and go to bed.

[323] Then turned to my mother and grinned the most shit -eating green I've ever seen on that man. While my sister and I exploded in laughter, my mom burst forth with some feisty words not fit for this email and shook her tiny fist of fury at him.

[324] After we all settled down, my mom socked him on the arm and said, I knew I was a better parent than you.

[325] Ah, memories.

[326] Love your stories.

[327] Love your banter.

[328] Love your unwillingness to accept injustice.

[329] Stay sexy and hide the peppermint schnapps from sneaky fathers.

[330] A. I mean, it's just cheating.

[331] It's just cheating.

[332] Yeah.

[333] Wait, did they say what year they grew up?

[334] It was the 70s, so I think...

[335] Oh, dude.

[336] The dad's off the hook a little because it was a 70s.

[337] If it was recently, then we'd be calling child protective services.

[338] Yeah, no, for real.

[339] That is, to me, that is like as 70s as green shag carpeting.

[340] Is that kind of, you know, whether you're sipping your parents highball because the party has gone into a different room or one of my earliest memories of jumping on the bed and drinking grape cough syrup, it was an unchecked era of insanity.

[341] Oh, my God.

[342] Send us your stories at my favorite murder.

[343] at Gmail and thank you guys.

[344] That's it, right?

[345] Yeah.

[346] Thanks.

[347] Yeah.

[348] Thanks for writing in and listening and all of that.

[349] Thanks for writing us such good stories that we, that it seems like, too, when it's actually three.

[350] Yeah.

[351] Quality content.

[352] Totally.

[353] Also, stay sexy.

[354] And don't get murdered.

[355] Bye.

[356] Bye.

[357] Elvis, do you want a cookie?

[358] This has been an exactly right production.

[359] Our senior producer is Hannah Kyle Crichton.

[360] Our producer is Alejandra Keck.

[361] This episode was engineered and mixed by Stephen Ray Morris.

[362] Our researchers are Marin McClashon and Gemma Harris.

[363] Email your hometowns and fucking hoorays to My Favorite Murder at gmail .com.

[364] Follow the show on Instagram and Facebook at My Favorite Murder and Twitter at MyFave Murder.

[365] Goodbye.

[366] Follow My Favorite Murder on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you like to listen so you don't miss an episode.

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