#1755 - Tony Woods

[0] Joe Rogan podcast, checking out.

[1] The Joe Rogan Experience.

[2] Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

[3] You're going to try to do the hat and the airphones?

[4] How are you going to work this?

[5] Because it's bad now.

[6] See, it's Christmas.

[7] I can't go get a haircut.

[8] Like, all of this, I got the shadow.

[9] All you need is a mirror when you're doing your hair.

[10] I cut my own hair.

[11] So you go somewhere and get your headshed?

[12] I go somewhere, yeah.

[13] It's just, I don't know.

[14] I guess it's just the.

[15] walking in hey what's up Tom how you been man where your next show at yeah I'm coming out to see you yeah it's that it's a social thing yeah yeah I'm anti -social in that way I just rather to shave my own head so you really know Joe Rogam hey what you do all of that well that that is the good thing about barbershops the male beauty salon dudes get to hang out be dudes yeah just when did you start shaving your head um it was a slow progression because I would say, yo, just even it out with where it's fading away in the little sunroof back there.

[16] And then after a while, my man said, yo.

[17] It's over.

[18] It's over, man. You just rock a ball in and make it be like Damon Williams.

[19] Yeah.

[20] I don't want to be like Damon Williams.

[21] You want to be like Tony Woods.

[22] Yeah, and then cut it all off, I guess.

[23] Well, it's just part of being old, my friend.

[24] We have to break.

[25] How old do you know?

[26] 58.

[27] I'm 54.

[28] Jim and I'm Phileo.

[29] It happens, creeps up on you.

[30] And I remember the last show that we did.

[31] Where was it?

[32] It was in the Bronx.

[33] It was at a college, right?

[34] And whenever somebody's ripping, I just, because I don't want to watch and they get in my head, you know.

[35] And some comedians think, oh, you didn't see my set.

[36] I got, I don't want to watch a set, though.

[37] And you up there, you were like, ah!

[38] You were doing something about girls who sound like a cockatoo.

[39] Oh, I was, you know, it was girls with crazy big hair.

[40] And he was like, ah, ah, and they were screaming.

[41] I'm like, I got gau aside.

[42] I don't know what he's talking about.

[43] That got gauze.

[44] The Bronx, huh?

[45] A college in the Bronx?

[46] Yeah, it was.

[47] Man, I don't even remember that.

[48] If somebody asked me, did you ever do a college in the Bronx?

[49] I'd be like, nah.

[50] Yeah, it was right on the one in the nine.

[51] Yeah.

[52] Yeah, it's me. You, I can't remember, but I just remember.

[53] much, you, you, like, a -ha -ha, and you're going back and forth, and they were screaming, like, okay, I don't know what that joke is, but I got to get out of here.

[54] I got to get out of here.

[55] I got to get out of there if someone's bombing, too.

[56] I can't watch that.

[57] Yeah, that is, yeah.

[58] That fucks with my head, because then I think nothing's funny.

[59] But I guess, because I didn't got, been in the game, I can, I can bomb gracefully, you know what I'm saying?

[60] Yeah.

[61] Like my engines go out.

[62] Right.

[63] he can glide in home and that'll mess up the next guy because the next guy come and go what you do to the room man I peed on the floor there's some bombings though where it's the crowd like the crowd is just whatever it is there's no energy in the room but there's some bombings is the comedian and when it's the comedian I got to get out of there if it's the crowd I'm like I want to go up there and wake them up yeah but if it's the comedian there's something in my head that's like nothing is funny like i can't i can't watch someone that's terrible because some guys they um like a you know like i call it like a technician like this is the formula this is how you do it right right and like dude obviously that's not working the night right yeah do a little crowd work do this do that right yeah something mix it up man because they're not they're not known yeah and so well don't you think that's the beauty of doing a bunch of different places.

[64] Like doing the road a little bit in Pennsylvania.

[65] You do a gig in Florida.

[66] You do a little of this, do a little that.

[67] And the more you do that.

[68] I love that.

[69] Like back in the day, and we're in New York, I used to go, I used to say, I'm going to the Caribbean.

[70] So go out to Brooklyn, you know, do the mostly Caribbean crowds.

[71] And then you do the downtown.

[72] Like, remember the place we used to do?

[73] I think Ludlow or something.

[74] It was like alternative comedy.

[75] Where was that?

[76] It was, it was, It was some place we, like Todd Burry should just rip in there.

[77] You know, like they wanted it real subtle and real soft.

[78] Yeah, real soft.

[79] And I would go, whoa, whoa, whoa, easy with the laughs.

[80] It's an alternative comedy.

[81] Isn't that funny?

[82] This place they got mad if you tried hard.

[83] If you just smashing it.

[84] They didn't like it.

[85] Stop with the cockatoo, baby.

[86] Cut it out.

[87] That's a thing.

[88] That's a thing.

[89] Like they wanted you to slow down.

[90] It's almost like they didn't want a race.

[91] They wanted a fast.

[92] which is fast walking don't you don't be jogging and when we did that thing in the Bronx it was like mainly like Latino Puerto Rican crowd and they wanted loud and right right right you was kicking it so he was kicking it you was parading back and forth you look like Tony Danza from taxes you was killing back in the day but I have a full head of hair and everything yeah you said look at him Tony Danza, there's a reference.

[93] That's funny.

[94] The one from taxi, not the one from Who's the Boss?

[95] When I first saw you, that's who you reminded me of.

[96] That's funny.

[97] But now, dog, you're like the young, what's his name?

[98] What's the dude's name?

[99] He's the old.

[100] He's the best guy at it.

[101] Larry King.

[102] Oh.

[103] He's dead.

[104] He's not just old.

[105] Larry King's dead.

[106] My man. I think COVID got him.

[107] I don't know.

[108] Is that what happened to him?

[109] Did COVID get him?

[110] Well, he was, life was getting him.

[111] I mean, last time I saw Larry, he was like a skeleton.

[112] He was like hunched over.

[113] His posture was terrible.

[114] It was like, he was, you know, wasn't in the best of health.

[115] Very nice guy.

[116] And I'm going to tell you something, man, for years, like randomly, people go, yo, they were talking about you on the Joe Rogan show.

[117] And I'm like, what's that?

[118] Because I'm just kind of not in the loop.

[119] Right.

[120] So I started my own podcast.

[121] It's called The Lonely Ask Bike Club.

[122] Well, I just ride my bike.

[123] I put my phone on there.

[124] I go on FaceTime.

[125] And I mean Facebook live, and I just talk.

[126] Why you're riding your bike?

[127] Why I ride my bike?

[128] I just talk about stuff.

[129] That's a cool idea.

[130] You see my face and whatever's on my mind.

[131] I like that.

[132] And I've been doing that for about two or three years.

[133] But I also have a podcast.

[134] We had a group.

[135] And it was called First Episode Again with Tony Woods.

[136] So it was like, if things ain't going, right don't worry it's the first episode we got this right right and I had a woman Maya had a guy who's a lawyer another guy who's like he his name is Chavez so he's like as if we were on a bus he's a guy in the back and like you're talking about something interesting and then he'll scream out oh that's because a global woman motherfucker you know he may be right he just has a yeah so it's him and we were doing it was going good no I think the main guy got tired yeah just got tired of doing it yeah because it became a job like oh remember we got to meet at this time like ah yeah but that's the thing that fucks comics up more than anything is the consistency yeah consistency of you know doing shows and just showing up no one ever complains at the lonely -ass bike club chronicles podcast because it's just you it's just me nobody ever said you late again nobody ever says that nobody ever says that nobody ever says slow down, you're riding too fast.

[137] Well, that does, when you have a group of people, like a couple people together and they start doing a podcast, there's always one person who wants to do it more than the other person.

[138] One person who has a vision, the other person's like, man, I don't want to do it today.

[139] I think it was Maya.

[140] Big shout out to Maya.

[141] She had a big, not Maya the girl, you know, but Maya who was on, because she would have notes and then she would say, did you watch it, did you watch it, the one we did yesterday?

[142] I'm like, oh, she wants to review them.

[143] Yeah, I'm like, I don't watch my own comedy.

[144] I don't watch my own podcasts.

[145] I can't watch my stand.

[146] I can't, I'm like, when I hear my own voice, I'm like, oh, is he drunk or something?

[147] This guy is on drugs, man. I just, I just, I don't even want to hear it.

[148] That's one thing that comedians have in common is that we all hate our own voice.

[149] We all hate watching ourselves.

[150] and then people see me sometimes in a grocery store and I think they think they're making me feel good they go oh man you really talk like that like you drunk or go kind of stupid thank you thank you motherfucker yeah we all listen to ourselves though when you listen to your own specialty you just like because you know all this shit you know what you're going to say so you heard it already so it's not surprising So it's just boring.

[151] You're like, oh, this isn't good.

[152] You really hate when you leave something out.

[153] Yes.

[154] You're like, I was supposed to say this.

[155] But everybody said, oh, it's good.

[156] No, fuck that.

[157] I was supposed to say that.

[158] Right.

[159] The worst is when you record something and then you keep doing the bit because the special hasn't come out yet and then you make up new taglines.

[160] You're like, ah!

[161] They want to go back and redo the bit.

[162] Yeah.

[163] Yeah.

[164] You got something coming out too, right?

[165] I think.

[166] Don't you?

[167] Don't you?

[168] Don't you?

[169] I do, yeah.

[170] I don't know, yeah.

[171] You don't know?

[172] We're still looking for a venue.

[173] So, because I don't want to do it like in a blah blah, blah, a big grandiose place.

[174] Do it a comedy club?

[175] Yeah, and I just did a comedy club in Wilmington, North Carolina.

[176] It's called the Dead Crow, right?

[177] Which, yeah, you don't even think that's a comedy club.

[178] It's, I just, they redid it.

[179] You have been there before?

[180] No, but I mean, like the laughing skulls a great place, and that's got a fucked up name, too.

[181] And I like the one in Denver.

[182] comedy works yeah the one with the oxygen pumped in really does oxygen it feel like a casino when I'm in there which place is that is that comedy one downtown yeah that has oxygen pumped in to it have you ever had a bad set there it's a good place I think it's just and everybody's having a ball that's true but they're all accustomed to that air I don't know dog you think it's like a casino I don't know because I feel like double down let's keep it moving man because you know when you're in a casino I said, how long you've been there?

[183] About 20 minutes?

[184] Well, it's 4 a .m. Hoo, my bad.

[185] Like that, because the oxygen, you just feels.

[186] I don't know if that's true.

[187] Do you think they really do pump oxygen into casinos?

[188] Okay, don't, like, say that I said it.

[189] No, but I've heard somebody said.

[190] I've heard it.

[191] I've heard it's true.

[192] Let's find out.

[193] Do they pump oxygen into casinos?

[194] Oh, into casinos, yeah.

[195] For sure.

[196] Do they definitely do 100 %?

[197] Yeah.

[198] It doesn't seek out because there ain't no windows.

[199] Well, I know they have air filtration.

[200] because everybody's smoking, but you don't see smoke everywhere.

[201] So there must be some movement of the air.

[202] Well, what about comedy works?

[203] I don't think they're pumping oxygen in there.

[204] I just think it's a great room.

[205] I'm sure you've heard the myth that oxygen is pumped into casinos to give people more energy and keep them awake.

[206] This is, in fact, the enduring Las Vegas myth of all time.

[207] There's no doubt that the casinos keep the air chilly to give that same effect, but there's no mechanism actually pumping extra oxygen into the system.

[208] And now we know.

[209] When I got the jackpot, when I did the cellar in Vegas the last time, and I hit the jackpot by accident, I wound on 5Gs.

[210] And guess what?

[211] The woman who just popped up, who thought I was such an interesting person, was not a hookah.

[212] Really?

[213] Hmm.

[214] Yeah.

[215] You don't believe it.

[216] She just happened to pump over.

[217] I just saw you sitting here, and I just thought you was such an interesting person.

[218] Oh.

[219] Oh, do you smell that oxygen, baby?

[220] Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

[221] I don't know.

[222] That's Tony Woods, and that's how he really talks.

[223] Yeah.

[224] And the real thing is I had a speech impediment as a child.

[225] And they just said, you know, because they get excited.

[226] And what's stammer?

[227] Yeah, nothing was coming out.

[228] I just said, just think about it and sing it out.

[229] yeah so I said Joe but you get older and stuff and my my middle son he had that too he hated because everybody everybody loved the way he talked and say can I go to McDonald's you know but by then but by then we passed McDonald's so yeah I'm like man so it wasn't a stutter It was just like a pause.

[230] A pause.

[231] It's just your brain is working faster than your mouth.

[232] Isn't it funny that that actually helps in comedy?

[233] Yes.

[234] That pause.

[235] Like that sort of embodied your style.

[236] Yeah.

[237] As a matter of fact, I heard a comedian complain about it one time.

[238] He complained about your style?

[239] He said, look at him.

[240] He's killing.

[241] And he only went, eh.

[242] Because, you know, sometimes I go, yeah and he's killing and all he said was that's hilarious that someone would complain that you're doing so great yeah with with a slow style slow easy -going style yeah so good you influenced a lot of guys man you really did you influenced a lot of guys I remember watching you and there's certain dude like I remember always being awkward I always felt awkward on stage like I had to like get the jokes out quick like I don't want to bomb get the jokes out quick You paste the stage.

[243] And then I remember watching you.

[244] I'm like, God, he's so calm and casual up there.

[245] You remember you when you woke me out one time?

[246] I woke you up.

[247] I remember I used to sleep in the back of the Boston Comedy Club.

[248] Okay, yeah.

[249] And somebody would go, hey, tell Tony he's next.

[250] Right.

[251] And you're like, hey, man, you're next.

[252] I'm like, dude.

[253] You were sleeping.

[254] I'm sleeping.

[255] When they call my name, I'll wake up, man. They come right before you go on stage.

[256] That's hilarious.

[257] That little corn.

[258] back there, the balls of comic club.

[259] It's just, I was always tired, man. I think I had PS2.

[260] Something's going on.

[261] What's PS2?

[262] It's what you get when you go to the military.

[263] What is it?

[264] It's not PlayStation.

[265] It's more serious than that.

[266] Because when you guys met me, I was just getting back from a dessert.

[267] So, and I don't know, I was just always tired.

[268] I thought I had narcolepsy, but I would, you know, if I was driving and the music wasn't on or the window wasn't down.

[269] I hit a gravel.

[270] So were you in Desert Storm?

[271] Yeah, the first one, the Gulf War.

[272] So there are a lot of people in that war, they had that Gulf War syndrome.

[273] Yeah, and they all go, no, I ain't gone.

[274] I don't know what I got.

[275] I just, you came back and you were more tired?

[276] Yeah, more sleep.

[277] But I used to be, like, super energetic.

[278] Like, if you watch my old, I used, but I slept more, too, and stuff.

[279] I don't know.

[280] I don't know.

[281] But you remember, what's his name, Jeff?

[282] Jeff Ross?

[283] No, no, he passed away.

[284] Hey, Tony.

[285] How you doing?

[286] Hey, man. Hey, good to see again, Tony.

[287] Oh, I know.

[288] Vic Henley.

[289] Vic Henley.

[290] Right, right, right.

[291] It's me, Vic Henley, and a little guy, I forgot his name, Chris something, but he was a little guy.

[292] And we were doing Birmingham, Alabama.

[293] And I was the feature.

[294] And the lady says, Tony, you got an emergency phone call in the office?

[295] And I'm like, you know, I'm thinking, is it my mom?

[296] Is it my ex -wife?

[297] You know, something.

[298] She says, he's a man. I'm like, I just figure it's one of my buddies who want to come to the show for free or something like that.

[299] I did my spot.

[300] You know, you do 20 minutes in the middle.

[301] I think maybe 30 or 40.

[302] I didn't see the light.

[303] And then I come off.

[304] Vic does hour.

[305] boom we're about to go out and get something to eat and she says Tony they're still holding for you what I wouldn't have picked up the phone I'm like hello he goes petty officer woods I'm like let me go get him like that he goes I know that you woods so that's he had to contact me so once he he contacted me had to go so had the yeah I was supposed to go from to Key West.

[306] So that phone call, the hold, was just to get you to go overseas?

[307] Yeah, that's called being activated.

[308] Oh, so they had to just wait.

[309] Yeah.

[310] It's a phone call to activate you.

[311] So if you just don't answer the phone, you never get activated?

[312] Yeah.

[313] Fuck.

[314] Yeah, I know.

[315] I know, man. I know.

[316] I mean, they would have got me eventually, but it would have been nice to get me after Key West.

[317] Right.

[318] Yeah, because we're doing Ocala, Florida, then Fort Myers, and then Key West.

[319] I've never been to Key West, but I hear it's amazing.

[320] It is.

[321] It's nice, but it's like no beach.

[322] Really?

[323] I mean, it's, they got like, if you stay at a hotel or something, they might have their own little private beach.

[324] Back in the day when I was stationed down there, it was, you know, beaches everywhere, but the place wasn't as full as it is now.

[325] It kind of smells kind of Newarkish.

[326] Newark?

[327] Yeah, because it's too many people.

[328] Oh, right.

[329] Like with the sewage and stuff like that.

[330] So sewage is going to the ocean?

[331] Yeah.

[332] On one side of the eye and it's like, Oh, how weird is that that we just dump our sewage running into the ocean?

[333] But the other little islands, the best thing is the drive.

[334] Like you leave from Miami or Fort Lauderdale or something like that, get a car and just cruise down and just stop it little seafood shacks and stuff and have what will cost $200 at a regular restaurant.

[335] You're hitting it.

[336] You're sitting there.

[337] And it's a three -hour drive, two -lane highway, and you can stop, go fishing.

[338] go swimming, do whatever.

[339] It's just, it's dope.

[340] I've never been.

[341] I keep hearing great things about it, and I hear the people down there, it's basically not America.

[342] It's like their island living.

[343] Yeah.

[344] Relaxed.

[345] Bahama Village.

[346] And they have a Caribbean accent and everything.

[347] It's just, it's like driving to the Caribbean, no lie.

[348] You have a good time, you go down there.

[349] But where it's Key West would be, bang, New York City.

[350] But all the little sleepy ones on the way along the way a dope you know so is QS crowded now it's yeah it's kind of crowded I was down there in the summer I was because everybody knows about it as matter of fact the last time I was down there I I saw a place and they had temporary tattoo right I'm like oh that'd be nice get a temporary tattoo right and then I see this little girl she's getting like a unicorn or something on the face and boom who do I see Iron Mike Tyson No, he's one of, I'm like, yo, give me the Mike Tyson one.

[351] Oh, okay.

[352] Boom.

[353] And she said, do you want temporary or Hena?

[354] I'm like, of course, temporary.

[355] I didn't know.

[356] The temporary is tattoo ink.

[357] Where's the Hanna will go away in like two days.

[358] I had that shit on for a week and a half.

[359] I went to my class reunion with it.

[360] I'm sure to you.

[361] But it was cool.

[362] It was like, it was a conversation piece.

[363] And just like him, I got used to it.

[364] And then it was like, yeah.

[365] And then it faded away on me, son.

[366] But I went to my class reunion.

[367] My high school class reunion was back in October.

[368] A buddy mine called me, he says, you're coming to the reunion this year.

[369] I'm like, if I'm in town, I'll come.

[370] He says, but, you know, you're going to come to the 40th one?

[371] I'm like, yeah, when it come up.

[372] He goes, this is the 40th.

[373] No. No. I'm like, we just did the 21, right?

[374] And I did, I graduated in 81.

[375] Isn't that crazy when you do the math?

[376] Yeah, man, what happened, Tony Wood?

[377] When you see Mike Tyson in person, you don't even notice that tattoo.

[378] That's what's weird.

[379] I don't, man. You have to, like, think about it.

[380] I saw his, his, he's the first one I watch, man, and it was so good.

[381] And, like, you know how people assume that he's not.

[382] But I'm like, that dude, the way he fights, he's got to be smart.

[383] And then when he did comedy, his comedy special was better than like a lot of comedians.

[384] Oh, you mean that one hour thing that he did?

[385] We talked about his life.

[386] Yeah.

[387] Like a live show.

[388] Yeah.

[389] No, he's very smart.

[390] Yeah, man. Mike's very smart.

[391] He's just, you know, he's a professional boxer.

[392] And he's had a crazy -ass life.

[393] But you have to be intelligent to be able to perform under pressure the way he did.

[394] Yeah You have to be able to manage that People think that That's not hard to do That's insanely hard to do And he's managing movement And speed and technique And he's doing it all against The best boxers in the world At this time And everybody was way bigger than him Way bigger I mean Mike is only like an inch taller than me I saw him in that Yeah he's not that tall Maybe two inches taller than me He might be like 510 And he's As wide as a fucking building But when he was in his prime the beautiful thing about that was that he would bob and weave and duck under shit like people would be throwing punches and he was nowhere near them i like he was so good i like when he said uh that was good comedy timing when you said yo man i saw this amazing video you did this you did you did that you did that yeah man i was fucked up for a week after that that's true yeah i was like that's me because people say man i saw you on facebook riding your bike he said you really did like a hundred miles, we're like, yeah.

[395] That was fucked up for the next week.

[396] I had Syedica and all this other.

[397] Well, you were talking to me about how you had your bike fitted to you.

[398] I didn't know that you get bikes fitted.

[399] Yeah, well, I've been, I used to be a bike messenger, all that stuff.

[400] I always got like cross bars and stuff like that, and I just never thought about it.

[401] And because when you're a bike messenger, you stop and going, stop and going all day long.

[402] But I was riding, and I bought this bike in Dubai when I was over there in Dubai.

[403] And the bikes are way cheaper.

[404] because America marked them up 300%.

[405] So I got this really nice road bike.

[406] You have to ship it over here?

[407] Yeah, shipped it over.

[408] But, you know, it came like golf clubs or something.

[409] You don't have to pay for it, you know.

[410] So I'm riding.

[411] And this other guy who's obviously a bicyclist, he goes, because I'm doing like this, he goes, hey, man, that's a nice bike.

[412] You need to get it fitted.

[413] Like, what?

[414] I'm like, this is my height.

[415] I know what my...

[416] He says, no, you need to get it.

[417] fit it and then he was like showing me he's like you go get it fit I'm like how much is that cost he said I between two and four depends on where you go I'm like two and four hundred for somebody to tell me to adjust but like she was saying out there it's really intense you're up on a machine and they're doing this and everything the pedal stroke like like if you're if your things on your pedals are not long enough they'll either lengthen them or shorten them and you're just every so it's like a nice suit to where it's now because you see them guys like right them guys who ride in the park and go on your left like yeah fuck you you could have went around me yeah you just had to announce you he's right there on your left like that so it does it professionals yeah dudes are really into it yeah but because it made a big difference though when they fitted it for you oh but I was already already hurting the guy who did the fit it he says bicycling is It's not supposed to hurt.

[418] You should go to the doctor.

[419] And I was like, I want to go.

[420] I'm scared.

[421] I didn't say that.

[422] So were you getting sciatica?

[423] Yeah, so come to find out from the accident.

[424] Remember Angelo Lazada, rest in peace.

[425] Angelo Lazada, Eric Nieves.

[426] We did a show in Jersey one night.

[427] It was like 2001, something like that.

[428] And, you know, I'm in the backseat, and we're driving, and they're speaking Spanish in their front.

[429] They're not arguing, but it's getting faster and faster and fast.

[430] And these girls are supposed to be following us.

[431] We run like two or three red lights.

[432] I'm like, yo, we all been drinking.

[433] We're in Jersey.

[434] Come on, you know, watch yourself.

[435] Next thing I know, I'm like, because I'm hitting the ceiling.

[436] Because we're on the sidewalk, baby.

[437] Oh, Jesus.

[438] Hey, Eric Nevis.

[439] Yeah, that's because I've been fucking him for 20 years.

[440] because this sciatica thing this whiplash thing is like cicadas you know you've been injured before and like sometimes it's just nice and smooth man you could get flipped off a chair or something like that boom nothing and then one day you reach for a pen and shit go blackout ah cicadas are back motherfucker you know people eat cicadas I know A lot of people eat them.

[441] They have recipes for them online.

[442] I went down a rabbit hole on YouTube, and I started looking at, like, people cooking cicadas.

[443] They cook them in the oven.

[444] They had all these, like, terriarchy mixes.

[445] It would, like, brine them and cover them in salt and bake them.

[446] I don't know, man. They seem to be delicious.

[447] I've eaten grasshoppers?

[448] The chocolate -covered ants.

[449] I've had that.

[450] But we did Okinawa one time, and we.

[451] We did, uh, me and Chang Forbes and Reggie McFadden, and I forgot who else, but they had street food on the, you know, you're, delicious, and you know, in your mouth, you just feel a shape.

[452] Right.

[453] And I spit it out, and it was like, the, the side of a mouse, like, long ways.

[454] It was, it, you know, what do you, like, if he's like this, just his, like, he had been cut there in the middle I want to So you're eating mice And I said something to the lady She's like What You ask for the fucking mix Right That's the mix That's the mix That's the mix Chicken Beef Mouse Oh dog was in there too O I'm opposed to that All of that I'll eat a cat But I won't eat a dog That we, you know how you go over there and you sit at the little things, Indian style and you eat the street food and they just give you a whole bunch of samples and stuff?

[455] That was the mix.

[456] That was another time.

[457] I was eating it.

[458] I'm not going, this is it good.

[459] What is this one right here?

[460] And then she said something to the, what's it called?

[461] Liaison.

[462] She, bongagongong like that.

[463] And he goes, do you have a pet?

[464] Ooh.

[465] And I said, okay, I'm not going to eat no more of that.

[466] I don't even want to fucking know I don't want to know I don't want to eat no more Stop the conversation But I didn't get sick that time Because that shit was delicious It was just Feeling a fucking mouse in my mouth Yeah That's rough I keep telling people How funny Reggie McFadden was He still is I saw him on I haven't seen him forever I saw him watch the Discovery Channel What's he doing?

[467] I'm selling jewels I guess He was on the Discovery channel selling jewels yeah but it was a stand -up in the 90s it was some people and they're looking to buy some kind of jewels not diamonds but whatever they're selling and wherever this part of Africa he is right oh like in the ground right and the guy's got the camera he's got the camera here the guy who's he said I can take you and the guy says you speak English he said I speak English very well probably better than you and we all know reggie has perfect diction yeah yeah and I'm like that was Reggie it was right then they show him like I'm like you Yo!

[468] And then Reggie go, is that a camera?

[469] Like that?

[470] And they just kind of...

[471] I'm like, yo!

[472] So was Reggie McFadden selling Jules in Africa?

[473] That's where he's at?

[474] Yeah, he's in...

[475] I don't know if it's Tanzania or something.

[476] But I saw him.

[477] Hit him on Facebook right now.

[478] He hit you back.

[479] Is he doing stand -up?

[480] I don't know.

[481] I guess, you know.

[482] But isn't that shocking?

[483] You remember how good he was in the 90s?

[484] That motherfucker was a monster.

[485] Oh, my God.

[486] What he did is?

[487] Like he's like, because he's like that people go, I didn't use a condom because she looked like she was cool.

[488] She looked, that was his joke.

[489] Right.

[490] She looked like she was cool.

[491] And he said, the girl said, stick it in.

[492] And he goes, it's dry.

[493] He had to see it live, right?

[494] Yeah.

[495] And I like this other.

[496] What's the other one?

[497] Where he would drop the girl off in a rough neighborhood.

[498] Right, he goes.

[499] He's going, all right.

[500] Hey, hey, hey, y 'all leave her.

[501] Hey, he's driving off.

[502] Hey, come back.

[503] Stop it.

[504] Leave her.

[505] She's not.

[506] Remember the bit he did about the pretty girl always has an ugly friend that's trying to break into the house?

[507] Yeah.

[508] And stop you from making out with her?

[509] What are you doing?

[510] But he would do the whole thing when he comes crashing through the window.

[511] He would leap through this thing.

[512] He was so physical on the stage.

[513] And you, Reggie's big dude, man. Big dude, he was funny as fuck.

[514] I saw him at the Champagne Comedy Club in Mount Vernon.

[515] Mount Vernon, New York.

[516] And it was a club that I couldn't work out because he had to be squeaky clean.

[517] So I was with my friend John Tobin.

[518] John Tobin opened for Reggie.

[519] And I remember watching Reggie and thinking like this motherfucker is going to be the biggest star in the world.

[520] He was killed murdered.

[521] I mean thunderous, thunderous laughter.

[522] And they remember he was on a Dr. Pepper commercial?

[523] I don't remember that.

[524] That was way back.

[525] That was like for a comedian to get something like that.

[526] You said, you know, I'm a pepper, you're a pepper.

[527] Wouldn't you like to be a pepper too?

[528] I don't think he didn't have a part.

[529] He just like, but everybody's like, yo, look where you'd be a fan.

[530] It's my man, him and Warren and everybody.

[531] It was a great time.

[532] That time in the 90s in New York, such an interesting time because so many good comics were there.

[533] you know that's why i first saw chapel he was 19 well i saw him at uh catch rising star see that that's when i was i was gone i was uh doing my duty whatever and like uh warren hutchison and um and dave they all came up to new york everybody came up as a matter of fact there's someone just did a documentary they did they did a documentary it's just it's a sizz i'll let you see it and um send it to jamie okay and it's uh air drop it and and and And they got the love thing with me and Wanda.

[534] What is it?

[535] Yeah, you got to see it now.

[536] It's just a whole bunch of little clips of all the comedians back in the day from D .C. Here it is.

[537] Wanda came from D .C. too?

[538] Yeah.

[539] Oh, I didn't know that.

[540] How do I send this to you?

[541] Do you got AirDrop?

[542] Yeah, I got it.

[543] Do you see Jamie Vernon?

[544] Do you see that?

[545] Yeah, it'll say like my MacBook Pro or something like that.

[546] There's an iPhone.

[547] Yeah, yeah.

[548] That might be me And it's Dave, it's Tommy Davidson It's the fat doctor You know Louis Lewis Black Yeah What's her name What's the girl's name?

[549] Louis Black came from D .C.?

[550] Yeah Patton Oswald Patton came from D .C. too As a matter of fact The last show I did before I went to the Gulf War was me Patton Oswald And a guy named Roger Mercy I used to call him Patten Boggs Because Did everybody Sorry good You used to call him that why Because I was a bike messenger And there's a big law firm called Patton Boggs So I was called him Patton Boggs It was like just nobody knew but him And me There it is Rise of Standup Comedy Washington DC Now where was everybody out of Were they out of the improv?

[551] No Back then it was The Comedy Cafe which had the Archie Ball Strip Club on the bottom floor.

[552] Give me some volume, Chey.

[553] When I was a comedian starting out in Washington, D .C., this brother, you know, start out in the D .C. area.

[554] Coming to the stage from my hometown, the nation's capital.

[555] D .C. is the mecca for stand -up comic, because if you're good, you're good in this town.

[556] Oprah Winfrey started that weight lossness.

[557] Remember she kept on saying if she didn't lose weight?

[558] The old man was going to leave her?

[559] Oh, yes.

[560] $80 million?

[561] He ain't going no damn.

[562] If D .C. being the mecca of comedy, is a phrase coined by the great Andy Evans, then it must be so.

[563] The volumes of solid acts that we've turned out over the years.

[564] Black woman won't get mad at you for three months because she'll store.

[565] There's just a central information stream here in D .C. That's not like a city.

[566] Black folks in D .C. is just straight up funny.

[567] Oh my God.

[568] Look.

[569] How you doing?

[570] So many people who are big names.

[571] now are from out of this area.

[572] We had to have that image.

[573] You know my man for the dog drones of other things that were being shot at us.

[574] Because that helped you with girls too, you know.

[575] Corkasians ran comedy.

[576] You had to be better to excel.

[577] I said a brother with 400 million can't keep a bitch.

[578] A brother with a hundred dollars ain't got a shot.

[579] Dave Chappelle, Martin, Wanda Sykes.

[580] We were all really young.

[581] We got in Garvins, we got in the Comedy Cafe, and we performed.

[582] B .C. being the mecca of comedy is self -explanatory.

[583] I was just in the men's bathroom.

[584] I don't know which one of you gentlemen used it.

[585] And I'm no doctor, but you got around three months luck.

[586] All the biggest stars.

[587] I'm married to a white French woman, and I have two white kids.

[588] Fucked up my legacy.

[589] What's the deal?

[590] Picles is everything kosher?

[591] All around funny cats, man. Right, and like you always know who's going to die first?

[592] The Virgo.

[593] That's the good thing about us, maybe, because we live a white collar, blue -collar life simultaneously.

[594] We come up knowing the principles of comedy, like what really makes me funny, not just one joke.

[595] And you're here for a comedy show, you could walk up on a show that might have a couple of people you heard of.

[596] If you took all the comedians out of D .C., it'd be a dent in the industry.

[597] All these great talents in D .C., you know, what's in the water here?

[598] What happens that you can create?

[599] Tommy Davidson, Dave Chappelle, Chris Paul, Huggy Lowdown.

[600] You fuck around, don't have fun today, be in the morning, wake up in front of God.

[601] They'd be like, should have fun last night, niggins.

[602] Our New York is the mecca of basketball.

[603] You know, we feel like we're the mecca of comedy.

[604] A ton of, like, live albums will be recorded here.

[605] If you were dark skinned, people just start joining on you.

[606] And I use my whip as a joke.

[607] defense mechanism to push them back.

[608] D .C. comedy is amazing because it comes in so many different levels.

[609] We just breathe funny people.

[610] And I don't know if that is so many of us there.

[611] D .C. always had, to me, the roughest crowds.

[612] Either they gonna love you, or you gotta go.

[613] D .C. area has the most educated concentration of African Americans in the country.

[614] The D .C. comics tend to be smart comedians.

[615] That was one of the things.

[616] I always aspire to be.

[617] I can name 10, 10 famous comedians, legendary comedians from this area, but they all got different styles.

[618] We have a great city in Washington.

[619] We never get credit.

[620] We get blamed for all the politicians.

[621] But we never get credit for the great talent that comes out of here.

[622] If there's a battle, we're in the finals.

[623] The same way people say New Orleans is the home of jazz.

[624] I say DC is the home for stand -up comics.

[625] So is this out, the mecca of comedy?

[626] The rise of stand -up comedy, Washington, D .C. The sizzle that the guy, his name is Parrish.

[627] Right, but is it completed?

[628] Is the film out now?

[629] I don't know.

[630] I did my interview.

[631] How long ago was that?

[632] I don't know, man. Tony.

[633] Oh, man, I don't know.

[634] It was in the summer.

[635] I did it, yeah.

[636] I mean, the sizzles is dope.

[637] I like that.

[638] Well, it's undeniable.

[639] The D .C. has produced a lot of fucking talent.

[640] Some amazing talent has come out of that one area.

[641] How many clubs are in there?

[642] the D .C. area.

[643] Now it's the draft house.

[644] They have the Arlington draft house, the D .C. draft house.

[645] They have the D .C. Improv.

[646] They have the Comedy Loft, which it looks like the seller.

[647] And it's got like two levels.

[648] So that's cool.

[649] And then there's comedy nights everywhere.

[650] And then up in Baltimore, I have Magoobis and you have the Comedy Factory.

[651] And then all in between their comedy nights all over the place.

[652] So there's just like a whole scene.

[653] Yeah.

[654] It always was.

[655] It just kind of fizzled a little bit.

[656] And I think it's just resurging with Netflix and stuff like that.

[657] People go, I want to see that joke alive.

[658] You know.

[659] And I think the internet guys got the audience re -interested in us.

[660] Because the internet guys, everybody loved to go see them and then they say, wow, that's how you got.

[661] Because They don't realize when they see a little funny skit that last 15 seconds, then they go pay their money to go see this guy.

[662] And that's all he got.

[663] Right.

[664] 15 seconds.

[665] So people go, well, I want to see some comedy, comedy.

[666] So bang.

[667] So I think they got reinteresting.

[668] They're doing a lot of that now at some of these improvs where they have like a TikTok star will come come on because they can get a bunch of people to come see him.

[669] But they don't have an act.

[670] Yeah.

[671] But they'll fill out the place.

[672] They'll sell out multiple nights in a row.

[673] Because my son said about some comedian like that He goes, I laugh by him, man, me and my co -workers laugh by him All day at work, Dad, do you know him?

[674] And I don't know this guy And then I see what he's talking about And it is funniest, I don't know what It's fucking seven seconds long Right And they just keep passing around Look, and then I'm like And you're going to pay $50 to go see that guy I'm like, what are the videos he got?

[675] He got some other stuff He got some other stuff, Dad I'm like, you know, all together just about two minutes of funny there was comedians that the girl's name is Angela Johnson was the girl that did that nail salon bit right was Angela Johnson the Vietnamese nail salon bit when she was a middle act she was so popular that people would come to see her and leave before the headliner so they were coming to see her but she you know only was doing comedy a short period of time but this bit that she had when she was imitating a Vietnamese nail salon lady was so good that people would come to see her.

[676] Wow.

[677] You got a version of it?

[678] I just has 32 million views on YouTube.

[679] 32 million.

[680] Watch this.

[681] It's fucking great.

[682] It's a really good bit.

[683] But the point is like, when she was just a middle act, she was doing this.

[684] This is her.

[685] Oh, shit, the ice house.

[686] It's very Latina, right?

[687] Aye.

[688] No, it's not at all, actually.

[689] Could you imagine?

[690] Introducing me to speak at the Mexican -American Heritage Festival.

[691] Seniors, yes, senorettes, bienvenito, my amygiaspacia.

[692] I'm just going to call Johnson.

[693] Hi, excuse me, it's Johnsones.

[694] Go to the Vietnam thing.

[695] I don't want to watch the whole thing.

[696] Well, it's the whole thing.

[697] It's a cut version of it.

[698] I don't know where exactly had cut.

[699] Try it.

[700] Right there, right there.

[701] Barkley.

[702] You take him with you, huh?

[703] No. Yeah, see?

[704] She ratted you up.

[705] As soon as I walk in, they grieve me right away.

[706] Hi, honey.

[707] what you need today.

[708] Can I get my nails done?

[709] Okay honey, do you lie pedicure too?

[710] No, no, just my nails.

[711] Honey, why you don't lie?

[712] Pettacure, it made look nice.

[713] It's so sexy.

[714] It's better for you.

[715] Oh, all right, sure, then I'll get a pedicure too, thanks.

[716] Okay, honey, sit down number six, my link she'll do for you good job.

[717] Oh, 20 dollars, that's okay, sit down.

[718] Oh, okay, thanks.

[719] So my link starts doing my name.

[720] right away.

[721] By the way, her American name is Tammy.

[722] Tammy.

[723] You have boyfriend?

[724] I don't have a boyfriend.

[725] Honey, why you don't have?

[726] You look so pretty, like model.

[727] Chill leader, something pretty.

[728] You like long or short nails, please, thanks.

[729] Oh honey, that's why you don't have boyfriend.

[730] I do for you.

[731] I do for you.

[732] Long bedder.

[733] All right, fine.

[734] I'll have long nails.

[735] It's okay, honey.

[736] Only $4 more.

[737] That's okay.

[738] We get it.

[739] Yeah, but it's a great bit.

[740] But the point, and it gets better.

[741] But the point is, like, that bit was, it was like a closer bit.

[742] And she got famous off of YouTube from that bit, and she was a middle act.

[743] But she was selling out of the venue.

[744] They were coming to see her.

[745] They were coming to see her, and the headline it would go up, hey, how's everybody doing tonight?

[746] and they would get up and leave.

[747] What about Chris Tucker, man, when he did his first death jam, man. He, I think he had, he didn't have that much time, but he had 10 minutes there was fire.

[748] Fire.

[749] Yeah, you know, when he'd go, Hey, man. You robbed my mom.

[750] Something like he tried to rob somebody and was his mom.

[751] I forgot how I go.

[752] What did you do in business with my brothers in your pocketbook?

[753] Well, there's guys that, like, were coming up that had, like, a great middle set and then they had a headline so they had to stretch that middle set out to an hour so they had to take that 25 minute set and make an hour out of it but he he had a i would i was i would describe chris first deaf jam set as an ed sullivan set because back in the day you see guys on ed sullivan and boom to you at home you think he did like an hour but it was just two and a half minutes right but boom that joker was selling out all over the place and i'm and my mom and him said we're gonna go see such a judge he was on ed solomon do you remember when ed griffin did HBO when he had shorts on what was that was that was that deaf jam that he did yeah when he did the yeah did michael jackson that's yeah that's the one he came out with shorts on when he said about cocaine i think it was but i just remember the power of the set i don't remember the content but i remember he murdered so fucking hard and he had so much energy back then Well, remember he did Michael Jackson?

[754] He did the thing about cocaine.

[755] He said, cocaine is like a prolific drug.

[756] He says, because he says, you snow cocaine and go, I want to talk to somebody who's not here.

[757] Yeah, that's a guy who invented, yeah, that's a great bit.

[758] Yeah, that's a great bit.

[759] Yeah.

[760] I want to talk to somebody who's not here.

[761] And I was there the day that Bernie did his thing.

[762] And that was like a matinee show, like two in the afternoon.

[763] This crowd just wasn't like, and Angela Means went on a friend of mine, Butch Burns who's also from D .C., he went on because I think I wouldn't say Butch bombed But Butch stood there As if he was in a club Like as if he was at the cellar He just had his hand on the mic stand You know, just hey, he said, what's up?

[764] Like, no son This ain't the spot for that, man You got to come out on some Joe Rogan And go I mean, even I'm laid back, but when you see me on death jam, no. I came out.

[765] When Bernie came out and goes, I'm not afraid of none of you, motherfuckers.

[766] Yeah, I ain't freaking kick it.

[767] Boom, he just took it off.

[768] Because they were power.

[769] I know, but they were like, you know, because there was blood in the water.

[770] And they were ready.

[771] They was like, ooh, we're going to boo him too.

[772] He said, uh -uh, not today, motherfucker.

[773] No, Bernie had power.

[774] I saw Bernie at the Comedy Connection at Faniel Hall.

[775] And I walked in while he was on stage, and he was murdering, man. Just waves of people, just moving through the audience with laughter, like, falling out of their chairs.

[776] Just kill it.

[777] Kill it.

[778] And he, like, his speech, the way he talked was like when I hear my grandfather and his friends talk.

[779] Yeah.

[780] Like all this, like, it was like he was from back in time, some, I'm a bush in your heat.

[781] Like that's old old man shit Until you see the white me When I see you, it's going to be a Misunderstanding Just like that You know instead I'm gonna kick your ass Like boom I love that dude He was something else There was some hot sets on our deaf jam back then Yeah for sure For sure You uh when What year did you start Um The third Thursday in May of 86 86 That was the height right that was like when comedy like the 80s boom 80s boom i went in the first time in 1983 i was in the navy and um and one of my guys he was like 30 years old and i was i was like i was like 18 so to me he was a grown genius man he told me how funny i was because uh edie murphy was on the cover time magazine with a red baseball cap doing like this and he said you could do that woods i'm like i wouldn't ever wear that cap He's like, no, man, you could do that.

[782] I'm like, I'm like, what are you talking about?

[783] So he went as far as to call the Comedy Cafe where's me and Dave and all of us started out in D .C. He called him up, set up.

[784] He said, go down there, man, you know, do the things.

[785] Just talk about the same shit you talk about here at work, man. I'm telling you.

[786] Go down there.

[787] And it was the first live comedy show.

[788] Kevin Lee, who juggles, you know him?

[789] He juggles.

[790] Anyway, he was there.

[791] and you've seen jugglers on TV and they always go oh my God that's amazing oh my God that's so amazing he juggled this and he juggled and bam motherfucker dropped the bowling ball what that was the funniest shit I ever seen because I thought he did no purpose because it went bam everybody jumped and shit and he just kind of picked it up real quick and kept juggling and I was like and then everybody else was going everybody was like to me everybody was fucking super funny and then I remember what's his name?

[792] He just passed away.

[793] William Stevenson.

[794] William Stevenson was the emcee.

[795] And he said, next we have another funny human being.

[796] Remember he used to always say it, funny human being?

[797] He says, he's a new guy, Tony Woods.

[798] And everybody started clapping.

[799] And me too.

[800] I was clapping, too.

[801] Like, where's Tony Woods?

[802] Because I'm not going up there, motherfucker.

[803] I'm like, I'm not ready for it.

[804] this.

[805] So I didn't go on stage again for three more years, man. And when I did go, me and my buddy Vance used to go to the comedy club.

[806] And every week, I put my name on the list, chicken out.

[807] But we sit and hear some jokes.

[808] So the next morning, my wife would say, how was it last night?

[809] Because me and Vance would hang out in the comedy club for maybe 30 minutes, 40, then go to Lately's night at this nightclub.

[810] And then, you know, so in the morning, she would go, how was it last night?

[811] She said, what did you talk about?

[812] So I was saying, oh, I did my thing about how girls look like a cockatoo.

[813] And she goes, oh, that's pretty good.

[814] You know what I mean?

[815] Whatever I heard that caught my ear that night, I would tell her.

[816] And I remember she was brushing her teeth one time, and I said, somebody else's a joke.

[817] And she goes, that were funny.

[818] And she didn't laugh.

[819] She goes, they were funny.

[820] Like, okay.

[821] She starts to tell everybody that I'm doing comedy.

[822] And everybody's like, yeah, we want to come see.

[823] I'm like, ah, man, you know, you don't want to come down.

[824] It's just be so late at night.

[825] And then one day, it was the third Thursday in May, and she said the executives are going out of town.

[826] We don't have to work tomorrow.

[827] So your mom's going to keep the baby, and I'm going with you.

[828] Fucking heart was beating so fast.

[829] Like, boom, shika, pooh, chikaboo, chikaboo, chikaboo, oh, my God.

[830] I'm like, you know what?

[831] I was thinking, me, you could just, we need to spend time together.

[832] We just had, since my mom got the baby, we just have, like, you know, a little blockbuster night, you know, just, no, I'm going to the comedy.

[833] I want to see you.

[834] Oh, oh.

[835] That was a long day, Joe.

[836] Because all day long, I'm like, fuck the fuck.

[837] I'm like, write down stuff.

[838] I forget everything I wrote down.

[839] But go down there.

[840] While we're sitting there watching the other comedians, she would nudge me. She'd go, he's doing your joke.

[841] Oh, no. Like other comedians.

[842] And I'm like, no. I said, no. The comedians, they get together and they share jokes.

[843] I just said, but then they call me. up.

[844] I forgot what I was going to say.

[845] I said, you guys look good.

[846] You guys smell good.

[847] And then this guy in the front says, his leg is shaking because my leg was shaking.

[848] And I said, hey, your stomach's shaking.

[849] And I said, hey, but don't worry about it, man. I used to be fat, too.

[850] And then I said, I was a whopping 70 pounds.

[851] And I said, but I was only this tall.

[852] And the rest, I guess God sent it to me. Because I did this whole bit about setting my mom's bed on fire and all this other shit.

[853] My cat talking to me. Oh, it was just bang, bang, bang.

[854] And I remember before I went on stage, the fat doctor that night was the host, and the fat doctor said, where do you want your light?

[855] And I said, like, right in the front.

[856] You know, I didn't know what the fuck that.

[857] Right, right, right.

[858] Like, what do you want your light means?

[859] You want a two minute light, three minute light, four minute light.

[860] He said, hey man, where you want your light at?

[861] I'm like, right in the front.

[862] That's good.

[863] And I'm looking at me like, what fuck is wrong with you?

[864] Stupid.

[865] Stupid.

[866] But I went up and I killed and then bang, the light came on.

[867] I said, good night.

[868] Tony was like that, right?

[869] Ran off and everybody was taking Martin Lawrence and Pierre and all of them shaking my hands.

[870] They're using comedy stuff like, hey man, good set and all this.

[871] I'm like, I, you know, and I sat there and was kind of short -lived because I sat down with my wife and my boy Vance and my boy Vance and my boy Vance said, I told you, I told you, I told you.

[872] Which he kind of was almost telling her.

[873] that this is this first time.

[874] But he was telling me, but he didn't, he didn't say that.

[875] Didn't actually say it?

[876] The next guy came on was a professional.

[877] He says, from the pro side, we got this guy.

[878] And he went up, he wasn't doing so good because I had fucking ripped.

[879] First time.

[880] First time.

[881] Because I was nervous.

[882] Then she said, you need to tell them that they need to stop paying you up in here.

[883] Huh?

[884] That's it.

[885] She said, you have.

[886] have been coming here for over six months.

[887] Oh, no!

[888] And you won the funniest ones tonight.

[889] You need to go back there and tell them other comedians to give you some money.

[890] Oh, no. I said, well, we can't know.

[891] I can do it next week.

[892] You know what I said?

[893] No. Because they all backed here.

[894] I'm like, okay.

[895] So I went, I walked in the back and the good thing, the guy you saw Andy Evans who was like, the godfather.

[896] It's a good thing he was there.

[897] Because I was like, I said, yo, what's up, man?

[898] How I get paid up?

[899] And he goes, huh?

[900] I said, how do I get paid?

[901] He goes, oh, hold on.

[902] I'll be right back.

[903] I'm going to go get the guy who can pay you.

[904] I'm like, okay, like, yeah.

[905] Because I look back at her like, yeah, I got this shit.

[906] I got this shit.

[907] Boom, him and all other comedians, because they're back on the stairwell.

[908] They're all behind the bar.

[909] They all come up and go, what's that, brother, what you say again?

[910] I said, because everybody's looking at me. I'm like, I said, I said, you know, how do you get paid?

[911] to do comedy in it.

[912] He goes, no, no. That isn't what you said.

[913] You said, hey, motherfucker, how I get paid.

[914] Like, he just overdidding it.

[915] He said, I grabbed him in the car and said, bitch, you better give me some money or something like that.

[916] I'm like, no, they all started laughing.

[917] And then I never forget, they were all laughing.

[918] And then, because they knew it was my first time.

[919] And then Fat Doctor came, and he goes, whoa, hold up.

[920] Wait a minute.

[921] What's your name, man?

[922] I said, Tony Woods.

[923] He goes, yeah.

[924] man that was you up there wasn't it I'm like yeah he goes I'm gonna tell you something man look what you did tonight do that about 500 more times then come back in and talk to us get the fuck out my face and they were all laughing and I went back over there with my wife and she said so what they say because they must like you because they're still laughing fuck them they all still remember that they was all back there laughing and just having a good time but How long was it before you started getting paid?

[925] As a matter of fact, that guy, Andy Evans, put me on a TV show two months later.

[926] It was a public access show.

[927] I didn't have paid, but from the public access show I got paid.

[928] It was me, Warren Hutchinson and Wanda Sanks.

[929] No, Wanda wasn't there yet.

[930] It was Robin Montague, Tommy Davis, and a lot of us.

[931] But me and Warren and Martin Lawrence were open micers.

[932] And so the real comedian is like, what are they doing here?

[933] Because we were sitting there like first day at school, the three of us, like, when do I go on?

[934] When are you all nervous?

[935] Yeah, so, but we all did, we all did well.

[936] That was public access and, yeah, we've been rocking ever since.

[937] How many years in, do you think, were you a professional?

[938] Like, how many years did it take before you started getting paid?

[939] Yeah, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, yeah, it didn't take me years.

[940] I did the TV show.

[941] And then I would just go on stage and just go to sleep Like other people were writing jokes I wasn't I was just talking about stuff that had happened to me And just twisting it around and doing this So one year in This guy's in the audience from BET And he says that was great I want you to be on this TV show called Tell Me Something Good I'm like okay he's his game show and it's on BET I'm like what's that He goes black entertainment television.

[942] I remember a laugh and he gave me his car.

[943] I'm like, yeah, I said, this shit would be cool this shit.

[944] You know, if it was because there was no cable TV in D .C. at that time.

[945] So the next day, my dispatcher calls me, said, yo, triple seven, triple seven.

[946] You're going to drop off your packages to set to another courier because you got to give your wife a landline.

[947] You got to go home emergency.

[948] I'm like, oh shit, what the fuck.

[949] And she says, yo, I checked the messages.

[950] She said, a guy named Stu Perkins from black entertainment television calls you and he wants you on the show today.

[951] I'm like, yeah, that clown talking about.

[952] She says, you never heard of it?

[953] I'm like, what the fuck is that?

[954] I'm like, we got a network?

[955] For real?

[956] And so I went home, boom, boom, got changed, went down to Duke Street in Virginia and did it.

[957] It was a live taping of a game show called Tell Me Something Good.

[958] And people would actually call in and answer the question was like on maybe a 10 second delay you know you couldn't do that now everybody would be cursing and stuff like this is like 1989 and then Joe right after that there's a contest called a National Ampoon Comedy Playoffs nationwide Leslie Nielsen was the host out in Vegas and did that and you only had to have seven minutes boom I smash that shit and went to Vegas and met Leslie Nilsson.

[959] That's when my gambling problem started.

[960] Okay, this is a good thing.

[961] So we check into the Sahara's not even there no more.

[962] So my last name is Woods.

[963] That's a W. Everybody had their rooms.

[964] Boom.

[965] And the lady said, well, you know, you would.

[966] So we're going to have to put you on such and such floor, right?

[967] Because this back in the day when only few people had the magnetic thing.

[968] I had to stick it in the elevator to go up to my floor I had to double doors It looked like the fucking room and hangover Wow Like what the fuck And so everybody knows Then I'm only two years in On comedy something like that So they said pool side interview I get down there I'm talking to all the working comedians Like yo man you see the room They're like Hmm First time in the hotel buddy Like you know like I'm like fuck these dudes stay in rooms like this all the time right and so we all hang out and then say yo and everybody's like yo we're gonna go get i said yo we can go to my room i got i got beer and wine and stuff in my room and sodas and what you went shopping like in my room and we go upstairs and i stick the card key in and we go up to the floor i got the double doors are going everybody's like that is when the rumor started that I was a shoe in I was fucking around, going around pretending I didn't know anything about comedy.

[969] I was like, hey man, so what comedy club do you?

[970] Who do I call to get to that comedy club?

[971] Do I send them a tape?

[972] Like that?

[973] Because I, that was really me. But they were like, yeah, it's the fuck you doing.

[974] Like, it was a set.

[975] And then, on top of that, I fucking ripped on the thing.

[976] So they're like, yeah, it's a motherfucker.

[977] They thought it was a setup.

[978] That was a setup.

[979] So they thought you were just a longtime pro and it was all bullshit.

[980] Yeah, I was bullshit.

[981] And you were a rig guy.

[982] Yeah.

[983] They Like I was a shoe in and I was just in there.

[984] Yeah, but I was actually a new dude.

[985] One of the things that people have always asked me about you that go, where's his specials?

[986] Like, how come he doesn't have specials out?

[987] Because so many people would talk about how funny you are, but they go, how do I see him?

[988] Do you have any specials?

[989] Have you put out any specials?

[990] I did a special in Australia some years ago by accident.

[991] It was on the comedy channel They still talk about it in Australia That's the first of me and Greer Barnes Went over there the first time And I was the last one Right you're supposed to do seven minutes TV taping I was the last one I was smashing that shit Killing and boom The after you hear the The announcement Ladies and gentlemen Tony Woods Because I had done 25 minutes Oh so he said it while you were on stage.

[992] Yeah, because I was killing.

[993] I wasn't on stage.

[994] I won't go to stop.

[995] But it worked out.

[996] Like, you ever see that movie, Old Brother were out there?

[997] Yeah.

[998] So the rest of the festival, me, Greerbonds, Renee Hicks, and I think Sue Miller or Sue Murphy, we were there.

[999] And I was supposed to be the headliner.

[1000] I just, it just wasn't hitting.

[1001] It just, I could do other people's show.

[1002] I could go to the Joe's show and rip, but in my show, it just, I was like, fuck.

[1003] I just, I couldn't get it.

[1004] And everybody's like, it's just the guy.

[1005] Then they said, do you want to go on the road?

[1006] So, we're going to go on the road.

[1007] And they have A tool, B, tool, C tool.

[1008] So they put me on a tour.

[1009] And since my shows weren't all that good, they had me in the opening spot.

[1010] Like, they have an MC, one, two, what do you call, intermission, and then one or two more guys?

[1011] And do you ever see Old Brother Wilde out there with George Clooney?

[1012] Yeah.

[1013] Remember, they had been on the run.

[1014] They were doing all this stuff and shit.

[1015] And then they snuck on.

[1016] They was going to get a gig.

[1017] And they walked out on stage.

[1018] And they said, The Shoggy Bottom Boys, everybody went, ha -ha!

[1019] Because the shit had aired on television, the set that I had done.

[1020] Oh.

[1021] When I was talking about, the nursery rhymes, not nursery rhymes, so I was talking about, like, Little Red Riding Hood and all that.

[1022] You know, like, what's her name?

[1023] The criminal girl.

[1024] You know, okay, the one when I say the girl has a, she walks into the gate, that's trespassing she never knocks she just twisted that's unlawful entry and it's a bitch she got a lot of charges then she sit down to eat the food oh this food too hot bitch this ain't your food fuck out of here you know except it's a whole long story did I do with that and um dude I had like a two to three minute standing ovation applause break wow because everybody's like that's the guy it's the soul All get by them boys.

[1025] And then that, and then so, boom, no one can follow that.

[1026] So boom, the next night they go, well, we'll have you close the first half.

[1027] Okay, boom.

[1028] And then so I was closing the show, and they had a group act.

[1029] They had a guys who, three men who juggled and do all the, I had to close the fucking show behind him because every little town we was going in Australia, they was going.

[1030] I walk out there and go.

[1031] where is it the road manager was going okay everybody get ready like that because I would walk out small towns and they just go from this one accidental comedy special yeah now how come you didn't do more after that I don't know man I mean you've been doing comedy 30 plus years yeah like you are one of the best comics ever that doesn't have a special no you're the best comic ever that doesn't know a special how about that oh wait I did it I did the Comedy Central special Remember that?

[1032] Oh, when was that?

[1033] I think that's 2000 or 2001, something like that, Comedy Central.

[1034] And was that a half hour?

[1035] I think 20 minutes.

[1036] Me, Zach Franacalaccharis, and Sklarb...

[1037] Zach Alfanakis?

[1038] Yeah, my God.

[1039] I got a speech appended with Zach.

[1040] He knows me. Because his name just keeps going.

[1041] What are you saying?

[1042] You say, Zach Finacala.

[1043] Yeah, keep going, man. It's like heavy Dede.

[1044] The bone did, did, did, did, did.

[1045] Yeah, but you haven't done like an hour special.

[1046] No, it was me, Zach, the Sclar brothers, and Tom Papa.

[1047] Oh, I love Tom Papa.

[1048] Yeah, we did that.

[1049] Because Tom Papa, to me, is, what's his name, Jack Benny?

[1050] Yeah, very similar.

[1051] Yeah.

[1052] Tom Papa looks like he belongs in another time era.

[1053] Yeah.

[1054] When he's on stage.

[1055] What was the black dude with Jack Benny?

[1056] Was this Rosco or Winchester?

[1057] Oh, I don't.

[1058] I never watched that show.

[1059] He had to, it was black comedy, but it was, it was black comedy.

[1060] Black people didn't like it, but it was funny shit.

[1061] He said, because he would say shit like, he'd say Roscoe, you know.

[1062] I think I see the bear.

[1063] Give me the, Roscoe, give me the one.

[1064] And then he looked back and Roscoe's like, I'm in the car, boss.

[1065] Like that just, it was very bad, but it was very, it was time.

[1066] Boom, that's him.

[1067] That's the black dude ready.

[1068] What's his name?

[1069] What was his name?

[1070] Rochester Anderson.

[1071] Rochester Anderson.

[1072] 177.

[1073] Wow.

[1074] Jack Benny.

[1075] And look at it.

[1076] It looked like Tom Papa standing there down there.

[1077] A little bit.

[1078] Yeah.

[1079] He's leaking me Tom Papa.

[1080] See, look at it down the bottom.

[1081] See, that's Tom Papa right there.

[1082] If you took Tom Papa and shoved him in another time, he'd fit right in in the Jack Benny era.

[1083] There's a lot of dudes like that.

[1084] That seemed like...

[1085] Look at Jack.

[1086] Ruchess looked a little bit like Roy Wood Jr. a little bit right there.

[1087] Look at Jack Benny with Marilyn Monroe.

[1088] Where?

[1089] Right there.

[1090] Is that Jane Mansfield?

[1091] No, that's Marilyn Monroe.

[1092] God damn, she was hot.

[1093] Who?

[1094] He got that, I hit that look.

[1095] Look at it.

[1096] He got that look like he, you know, he's done something.

[1097] Something terrible.

[1098] Look at him.

[1099] He's gripping her waist, too.

[1100] Did he date her or something?

[1101] It looked like he hit it.

[1102] It seems like there were a lot of pictures of them together.

[1103] I'm suspicious Her waist is small for it is bad big That's natural That's like no gym time at all Women didn't even know you could Exercise back there That motherfucker looked like Dracula when he was younger though Oh right there?

[1104] Yeah Totally Oh on the news On NBC radio Isn't that wild man The people used to do comedy on the radio They used to like sketches and shit on the radio You know who else has that old time me voice, Dan Natterman.

[1105] Okay.

[1106] Did you ever see that movie about C. Biscuit and the guy who was doing the announcers?

[1107] No. What do you say there?

[1108] The guy from Shameless, he was the voice in that movie about the horse.

[1109] Oh, I know he was talking about.

[1110] I watched too much movies.

[1111] But Joe, I'll tell you, my career has kind of been like Forrest Gump, the character, Forrest Gump.

[1112] You know, people always go, what happened, you know?

[1113] But everything that happened, like a lot of the big shit that happened in comedy, I was right there.

[1114] I don't know what happened.

[1115] I was right there.

[1116] And then people, like, remember when Forrest said, so one day I just started running.

[1117] He don't know why people's following them.

[1118] Like, people go, oh, my God, you've influenced so many people.

[1119] Oh, I don't know why the fuck they follow me, dog.

[1120] Like, I'm not just leaving my special.

[1121] I'm not just leaving my successful film career.

[1122] I'm not just leaving my sitcom career.

[1123] I'm not leaving none of that shit.

[1124] I'm just running.

[1125] And motherfuckers just follow me. And then they hang on my words.

[1126] Sometimes I'm just talking in my own head.

[1127] Really, remember when the guy came up and the mud splash and he said, shit?

[1128] And then he says, it happens.

[1129] Like that.

[1130] Yeah.

[1131] And it's been times when I run into comedians and go, yo, I would never forget the time that you said to me. Because, you know, the guys, they come out, I say, yo, good set, man. And they go, you liked it?

[1132] I'm like, son, you changed my life.

[1133] Right?

[1134] Which is better than, like, some comedians would go, you need to get out of the business.

[1135] Right.

[1136] As a matter of fact, somebody said that to him to that guy who plays Eddie Murphy's son in the new, um, What's his name?

[1137] Damon, Jaman, Jamal.

[1138] I forgot his name.

[1139] I know him, though.

[1140] He plays Damon Wayne?

[1141] No, he plays Eddie Murphy's son.

[1142] No, he plays Eddie Murphy's son in the new coming to America.

[1143] I don't know.

[1144] But anyway, he's from D .C. too.

[1145] Oh, okay.

[1146] And I remember when he had first moved to New York, and he just called me out one that just kind of, he said, man, do you think I moved to New York too soon?

[1147] You think?

[1148] And he used those exact words, and we both know who the fuck said that.

[1149] He said, do you think I need to get out the business?

[1150] I was like, man, fuck that dude.

[1151] Who said it?

[1152] You know, who you should always say that?

[1153] He need to get out the business.

[1154] Patrice?

[1155] No. Who, who said it?

[1156] You know who used to say that?

[1157] No. Where do we go?

[1158] Chick -fil -A?

[1159] Did you get any chicken fingers of Chick -fil -A?

[1160] Well, then I don't know.

[1161] Because I don't like disrespect the dead.

[1162] I don't know what you're saying.

[1163] You'll figure it out soon.

[1164] No, I did what you're talking about.

[1165] No, I don't worry about it.

[1166] Sometimes my jokes in the future.

[1167] Okay.

[1168] We don't have to talk about it.

[1169] but did it ever occur to you that like man I need to get out like an hour special because so many people would come to see you just based on other people's recommendations based on having seen you before I mean you always did well everybody loved you sometimes I'll have an amazing two and a half hour set and some little club I just did the dead crow right and then I'll be somewhere big and it'd be like yeah it was good it's good yeah But when it's like, yeah, man, I don't know.

[1170] I don't know what this is.

[1171] But I know.

[1172] But I know you're working on a special right now.

[1173] Yeah, they are.

[1174] And that's what, because they keep saying, hey, man, you ready?

[1175] I'm like, I was fucking ready when you asked me the first time.

[1176] Who are you doing it with?

[1177] The only time I wasn't ready.

[1178] And ironically enough, the goddamn special was called They Ready.

[1179] God damn, no, I'm not right now.

[1180] Because that's when Tiffany called and say, yo, doing this Day Ready special, come on, get on.

[1181] Because she said, these guys been around, blah, blah.

[1182] But at that point, we had been sitting still, dude.

[1183] I had, you know, I was driving for Grubhub, you know, just, this is during COVID?

[1184] During COVID.

[1185] And, like, I was in Amsterdam because David gave me a shout out on the Mark Twain Award.

[1186] And things just started popping.

[1187] Things started popping, man. And I was over there, and the incident was a guy named James Alter.

[1188] I was doing Caroline.

[1189] I mean, you know, boom, just killing it.

[1190] And I came back on a Sunday.

[1191] Shit closed down on, I think, that Monday over there.

[1192] Then that weekend, I went to Minneapolis.

[1193] And then that was my last gig before that.

[1194] And I just jumped right on and start working.

[1195] I grew up, and I forgot the point I was making joke.

[1196] But you were talking about Day Ready.

[1197] Oh, yeah.

[1198] They're ready.

[1199] So it's like, and then she called me up.

[1200] It's like, boom.

[1201] And I'm like, I ain't that ready.

[1202] You know, I'm not, I'm not that, I wasn't not that ready.

[1203] I had gotten so comfortable, like, and imagine in over 30 years, that was the first time I slept in the same bed for more than, fuck, 10 days.

[1204] Wow.

[1205] Yeah.

[1206] For more than 10 days, it was like three months, I slept in the exact same bed.

[1207] No matter where I went and snuck around and did some little dirty COVID shows, I still came back to the same house and watched my hands real vigorously like, hope I don't make y 'all sick, but I need these streets.

[1208] I need these streets.

[1209] The only time I got nervous if I get the test is when I went to Yellow Springs.

[1210] Dave's like, yeah, man, went you out of you, man, you got to do this.

[1211] And that night went to this little shit in D .C. in the alley.

[1212] Like, shh, everybody's going in there.

[1213] Don't say nothing.

[1214] Lock the door.

[1215] Doing comedy in there.

[1216] Everybody's inside.

[1217] You can't smoke outside.

[1218] You can smoke outside.

[1219] Somebody's going to see, hey, what's going on over there?

[1220] So, lock the door.

[1221] He's like, little peephole.

[1222] And then the next day, they flew us out to Yellow Springs.

[1223] And I'm like, and, you know, they give you the little, like, now if you test positive, uh, you know, don't take your shit out the car.

[1224] It's going to take you right back to the jet.

[1225] I was like, fuck.

[1226] And everybody was there, Kevin and everybody was here, it was like, damn, man, I'm fucked up.

[1227] But you didn't get it.

[1228] I didn't get it.

[1229] Yeah, I'm not going to win.

[1230] That was the only time I was worried about it.

[1231] You think you might have got it in January of 2020, though?

[1232] I'm sure I got in January.

[1233] I got in January.

[1234] I got in January at a New Year's Eve party in D .C. Yeah.

[1235] And I made myself well because I had Carolines for the first time in years.

[1236] Oh, yeah, in years.

[1237] You know, you remember Carolines.

[1238] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1239] Okay.

[1240] So I was there one time.

[1241] I was hanging out with one of the guys who worked there.

[1242] And we're drinking because there's snowing, a big snowstorm.

[1243] Snowing and Rock was going to be there that night.

[1244] But I stopped by like around 4 in the afternoon because I ain't got no show.

[1245] After that, I was going to get on the train and go down to the Boston Comicon.

[1246] So my man came in, he's handicapped.

[1247] You know, I ain't going to say his name, but he's a very good friend of mine from Philadelphia.

[1248] How many more hands you need?

[1249] Anyway, he felt, that's not the funny part.

[1250] He fell down the steps.

[1251] Yeah, like in Eddie Murphy, go boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

[1252] Oh, I'm halfway down.

[1253] Boom, boom, boom.

[1254] And you know that landing at Carolines?

[1255] Yeah.

[1256] Bam!

[1257] I know.

[1258] And, like, you're like, but then we go, oh, when he said that, you're like, man, I thought you, but he only had a cut over his eye.

[1259] And we had been drinking.

[1260] Day drinking.

[1261] I don't day drink, man. sometimes you say shit you shouldn't say right you don't say fuck that shit i sue carolines why you sitting in carolans why you're sitting in carolines drinking free liquor and eating free food you don't say yeah fuck that if i was you motherfucker i was sue like yeah that was that was why not that's when i get drunk you have to spell my name backwards that my motherfucker hell don't know how to act man that one fuck i'm like tony didn't say that tony He's a nice guy.

[1262] I never said that.

[1263] But that fucking why not?

[1264] Why not say that?

[1265] And then nobody ever said anything except for Barry.

[1266] Barry said, oh, well, why would you say something like that?

[1267] Barry Katz?

[1268] Yeah, why would you say something like that, man?

[1269] I'm like, I wouldn't, I mean, that's what people say.

[1270] It's what people say in a black neighborhood.

[1271] Like, you see black people jaywalk and they go, I wish that motherfucker would hit me. No, you don't.

[1272] You don't wish he would hit you, but that's just some shit we say.

[1273] Yeah.

[1274] You don't want to get hit.

[1275] Yeah, shit talking.

[1276] Yeah, shit talking.

[1277] I was just talking shit.

[1278] Yeah, normal.

[1279] Normal shit.

[1280] Wasn't working a carolace no more, though.

[1281] That was it?

[1282] That was it until Dave gave me a shout -out.

[1283] Oh, really?

[1284] Yeah.

[1285] They cut you off from that?

[1286] Nobody ever cut me off.

[1287] It just never happened.

[1288] Yeah, we don't have any more fails.

[1289] So when Dave gave you the shout -out on the Mark Twain Award, did that open up a lot of doors for you?

[1290] Yeah, it did.

[1291] That's beautiful.

[1292] I was just telling you, I was like, we was kicking it.

[1293] And then the COVID should happen.

[1294] And then Tiffany, you know, and whiz, it's a good thing I had a fan base because people was like, we saw you and it was good.

[1295] Listen, we know you're funny.

[1296] What the fuck?

[1297] That ain't the compliment I want.

[1298] Right, right, right.

[1299] Like, you're like, yeah, we know you're funny.

[1300] Those other people just didn't get it.

[1301] But it was, first of all, it was outdoors, and there was a low -hanging fog.

[1302] So it made it like a theater.

[1303] first night I wouldn't get it at all but the second night and it was it was kind of I put a whole bunch of different little sets together yeah but to get back to your special I don't know who is who is producing your special David David oh David's Jepal Dave's doing earthquake too yeah he's a local comedian from Washington DC area oh David Chappelle Dave Chappelle I'm wearing him so I love that Dave's doing yours and he's doing earthquakes too And Donnell's, too.

[1304] And he's doing Donnell.

[1305] Beautiful.

[1306] Donnell and Quake have already done it.

[1307] Yes.

[1308] So is yours going to be for Netflix?

[1309] Do you know what it's going to be for?

[1310] I don't know.

[1311] I better.

[1312] I've never met a man as good as you at comedy.

[1313] That's so fucking casual about his career.

[1314] It's hilarious.

[1315] Yeah.

[1316] Man, you can't be tripping out about shit.

[1317] You know.

[1318] Oh, I know.

[1319] But you take it to another level.

[1320] You take, you can't be tripping out about shit.

[1321] to as far as we can go.

[1322] Like, I can't even see him.

[1323] What is he doing out there?

[1324] You can't be tripping out about shit, but he's just doing it 100 miles away.

[1325] Well, as I drive down the road of life, Joe.

[1326] Yes.

[1327] Sometimes I say, God, just give me a sign.

[1328] And then it'll be a yellow light, and I go, I can make it.

[1329] Yeah, it's a funny thing.

[1330] Like, there's these guys that, we all know that are like these legendary comedians that all the comedians respect all the comics love but for whatever reason they don't get the same amount of appreciation from you know whether it's from Netflix or from whatever they just you know and that's you're the you're one of those guys that's one of the reasons why we brought you up so many times on the podcast I noticed something some years ago it was in town for the death jam tapings and like people kept coming by and go hey what's up y 'all comedians yo man you funny shit oh man you're crazy and then people always take a pause and they go hey man I love you man nobody ever say then I'm funny they just go I love you man like that like you know and then sometimes like people leave the show and they go you know I don't even like comedy but uh yeah you was good I don't even like comedy What do you say to those people?

[1331] I just go.

[1332] Why?

[1333] Why don't you like comedy?

[1334] I just go, thanks.

[1335] You know, like a lot of times go, I only came because she told me to come.

[1336] Okay?

[1337] You enjoy yourself, motherfucker?

[1338] Well, some people, they're reluctant to give you compliments.

[1339] Yeah, but very seldom do I hear funny.

[1340] It's usually, I love you, man. It's just, you know.

[1341] Oh, my God, I love you.

[1342] Like that, it's never like, you are so fucking funny.

[1343] It's like calm Yeah there you go I love you I love you too I guess So you don't even have Like a time schedule for when you're gonna do your special I'm assuming it's gonna be on Netflix Hurry up because motherfuckers is dying like dogs Man anytime I turn around somebody died That was kind of depressing one now That is true Well as we get older That's just the fact of the life we live in You know we were I was on the phone when And you got in here with Joey Diaz, who just caught COVID.

[1344] He's fine.

[1345] He's all good.

[1346] We got him vitamin drips and monoclonal antibodies.

[1347] He lives here.

[1348] No, Joey's in New Jersey now.

[1349] He's living in New Jersey.

[1350] He's the king in New Jersey.

[1351] I went to visit him down there.

[1352] He went to a restaurant.

[1353] Everybody knows him.

[1354] It was hilarious.

[1355] I was like, damn it, he's never leaving New Jersey.

[1356] Because I wanted him to come to Austin.

[1357] But as soon as I saw him in New Jersey, I was like, all right, I get it.

[1358] I get it.

[1359] This is his spot.

[1360] He belongs there.

[1361] I'll just fly him out.

[1362] Mike Robles was sick.

[1363] I think, too.

[1364] Oh, yeah?

[1365] I think he was there.

[1366] I saw it on Facebook.

[1367] How's he doing now?

[1368] It's doing good.

[1369] When I first moved in New York, that's the first TV spot I did.

[1370] Oh, really?

[1371] Que loco.

[1372] Oh, no. Mike Robbins was on the Spanish channel, and at the time, my dad lived up in Washington Heights.

[1373] He still lives in Washington Heights, like up 200th and Broadway, way up there.

[1374] And one night I'd go to the Bredigo, and the little Dominican lady, she said, and she's having her grandson is laughing like shit and tell me he said y 'all she saw you on television and she says she's so proud of you she says because she could tell you was having problems with your English but you stuck with it and showed them that you could do it in English oh you're like bitch that's the only thing I speak But she was like, you know, I saw you having some problems.

[1375] You kind of slowed down a couple times.

[1376] That's hilarious.

[1377] Yeah, he was like.

[1378] That's hilarious.

[1379] Her grandson was like, yo.

[1380] Because he knew who I, you know, to see me. And as a matter of fact, he used to call me Kehorai's.

[1381] That's how you say.

[1382] What time is it?

[1383] Yeah.

[1384] So when I would be going to an audition or something in the morning, walking to the train and I noticed people always go can go over their ears and go yeah what's up Tony I thought they see me I thought they see me on death jam I just knew whatever they were saying was a fucking question right right I don't know because they go get who her ass and I go Tony and then they do like this they pointed to watch and they go oh it's such and such a time but I didn't put two and two together Right.

[1385] That they were asking me. What time is it?

[1386] What time is it?

[1387] Yeah, it's all good.

[1388] So this thing with Dave, you don't, like, because Earthquake is wondering when his is coming out too.

[1389] Well, he did, he did it already.

[1390] But he doesn't know, he doesn't exactly know when it's coming out.

[1391] But man, it's hard to get, like, because, you know, Dave said, amen, whenever you're ready.

[1392] I'm like, yeah, here, I'm ready.

[1393] And then he should, just let me know.

[1394] I'm letting you know Let's go But I mean You know Every time you turn around Man dude's chasing him with dresses On all kinds of shit You're tired of your shoes Son you're in a drag race Run day run That's hilarious That shit's died down though Yeah They're leaving them alone now You just realize How many of the people that are upset of them Didn't even watch the special Yeah They watched the special, and you still are angry at him, and you missed the point.

[1395] The same, we was, uh, what if, it was somewhere, man, it's me. I was on, on the road with Louis C .K. So I go outside the comedy club.

[1396] Some people out there having a silent protest, and I'm like, yo, what's that?

[1397] What's going on?

[1398] And the girl says, there's a comedian in there, and he's performing.

[1399] And, um, he's really, he's racist, he's, name all of the shit that they said he is.

[1400] Sexist, transphobic.

[1401] Yeah.

[1402] homophobic.

[1403] I'm like, what?

[1404] And she had said all this shit.

[1405] I'm going to say, he racist too?

[1406] And she was like, I said, well, fuck, they give me a sign.

[1407] Right?

[1408] And she was like, she was like, no, no, no, we're having a silent protest.

[1409] I'm like, no, fuck that.

[1410] I said, that's this picture right there.

[1411] Now, I don't have to stand in line.

[1412] I cut right through the line and going to back.

[1413] I forgot to club.

[1414] What is it?

[1415] It's somewhere, man. But it's like they got a back room with karaoke, like you walk through the back.

[1416] I go in the back I forgot all about that I was fucking with that girl I didn't think that nothing was going to happen something back there and then boom she comes in with the police and shit and she's like you know she wanted to go that's him but she could she was like right to you no to the policeman to the policeman because we all sitting in the back right you know just talking about whatever it's me uh Lynn Coplitz and we all just sitting there and the girl you know because the girl and the policeman and the manager or the owner of the club come in.

[1417] Because they thought that you were going back there to fuck up the comedian.

[1418] Fuck up Louis -Eyes.

[1419] Right.

[1420] Because she saw me, I dipped all over your back.

[1421] So she called the police.

[1422] She didn't call it.

[1423] The police was right there.

[1424] Okay, so she got the police.

[1425] And she says, I think that guy's going back to do something to the comedian.

[1426] To fuck up Louis C .K. Yeah.

[1427] So when she'd come in and she'd see me first, she's like, that's the motherfucker right there.

[1428] That's the motherfucker right there.

[1429] And what happened?

[1430] And I'm like, oh, what's up, shoddy?

[1431] Like, now.

[1432] I'm like, yeah, I got that.

[1433] Like, that was just joking around.

[1434] Right.

[1435] And then, yeah, and then she ended up.

[1436] She didn't know what Louis had done.

[1437] She took pictures.

[1438] They gave her a t -shirt for the clubs.

[1439] Took a picture with Louis in the green room.

[1440] She took a picture of Louis?

[1441] Yes, she was just there because some girl from her college said, yeah, let's go do this.

[1442] Let's protest.

[1443] She said, all right, I don't know.

[1444] That's the thing, man. It's like so many of the people that they haven't even thought it through.

[1445] They don't even know what he did.

[1446] Yeah, I ain't know what he did.

[1447] If you were in the room with Louis when he jerked off and he said, can I jerk off in front of you?

[1448] And you said yes.

[1449] I guess you got an argument that maybe you shouldn't have been asked that question.

[1450] Yeah.

[1451] Because it puts you in an uncomfortable situation.

[1452] Remember that joke that Kevin Brennan used to have about consent?

[1453] No, I don't know the joke.

[1454] He says, so on the college campus, you meet a girl, goes, can I kiss you?

[1455] Yeah, she can kiss him.

[1456] You know, can I make up?

[1457] Can we do this?

[1458] She says, so it gets hot and heavy.

[1459] So they're having sex.

[1460] He says, boom, can I do it dog?

[1461] He says, yeah, yeah.

[1462] And then he says, can I stick it in your ass?

[1463] He said, can I stick it in your butt?

[1464] She goes, what?

[1465] He goes, do they sell chicken fingers and pizza huts?

[1466] He said, it was a long cabin.

[1467] It was a funny joke.

[1468] You know how he is.

[1469] Right.

[1470] He goes, and like, because everything, she's, everything, she's down for everything.

[1471] And then you're going, you know, can I, can I stick it in your butt?

[1472] What?

[1473] Because, did you know, do they sell chicken fingers and pizza hearts?

[1474] So it was like that consent shit.

[1475] It's funny when Kevin doing it.

[1476] It's a timing thing.

[1477] Yeah, my bad.

[1478] But that, uh, when you were opening for Louie, so that was after the controversy.

[1479] That was after the controversy, man. Like we started doing shows again.

[1480] We went to Portugal together.

[1481] Oh, yeah?

[1482] Portugal.

[1483] It went to Portugal and then we went to...

[1484] What is it like doing comedy of Portugal?

[1485] It was dope.

[1486] Guess who I'm out with?

[1487] Who?

[1488] The fucking wizard.

[1489] Is he the mayor or the governor of, uh, on Queen of the South?

[1490] Queen of the South.

[1491] What is that?

[1492] It's a Netflix thing.

[1493] Oh, I don't know that.

[1494] Okay.

[1495] What is Queen of the show?

[1496] It's like the biggest one.

[1497] And he plays...

[1498] He's the third lead character.

[1499] Oh, I've never heard of the show.

[1500] Have you heard of, uh, queen of the south no there's so many shows though here we go this is it right here which guy did you hang out with okay I never even heard of this fucking show you never okay from 2016 how is he not on the first row maybe he lied no he's like that's him right there which one right there go back the second one that guy right there yeah he lives in Portugal how did he say his name I don't know Joachim de Alameda right Joaquin Alameda?

[1501] Yeah.

[1502] That guy?

[1503] So he lives in Portugal?

[1504] It is in Portugal.

[1505] How the fuck is there a show that has been going on since 2016?

[1506] I'm just hearing about now.

[1507] Man, this is like one of the hottest shows.

[1508] That's the thing.

[1509] There's so many shows.

[1510] Oh, but what about this guy?

[1511] This is my man right here.

[1512] Let me scroll back down once you see this guy.

[1513] Which guy?

[1514] I hate this one.

[1515] But he's so good that you hate him.

[1516] You hate him?

[1517] That guy.

[1518] Oh, yeah?

[1519] Did you see, um, did you see Apocalyptic?

[1520] Yes, I did.

[1521] Yeah.

[1522] Oh.

[1523] That's right.

[1524] That guy was an apocalyptic.

[1525] Oh, yeah, he was amazing.

[1526] He was.

[1527] He was amazing.

[1528] Oh, he was amazing.

[1529] Where is he in apocalyptic?

[1530] How do you say his name?

[1531] Gerardo.

[1532] See right there.

[1533] That's him in Apocalypse.

[1534] Tarasena?

[1535] That guy was a bad motherfucker.

[1536] Yeah, see right there.

[1537] Okay.

[1538] See him in apocalyptic.

[1539] Oh, yeah.

[1540] And I like the part when he go, he jumped off the waterfall.

[1541] He said, hey, my grandfather hunted in this forest.

[1542] My father hunted this forest.

[1543] And my son and my son's sons were hunting his forest.

[1544] fuck you and they said no fuck you and they jumped off the water ball too they said you don't remember I do remember that okay that was a good movie that movie that was a wild -ass fucking movie that was a dope movie that guy he was a fucking asshole but yeah he's in Queen and South too he was the main he was the that you mean he's an asshole in the show no yeah on that show too on Queen and South too he he's that guy's henchman oh okay the guy who I hung out with it in Portugal.

[1545] He's that guy as henchman.

[1546] What is Queen of the South about?

[1547] Cocaine.

[1548] Oh.

[1549] And it's about, it's on the, it's on the cartel level.

[1550] Oh, okay.

[1551] It's, uh, basically they're big drug dealers who buy it straight from the cartel.

[1552] So, like how, how Pablo Escobar was the cartel.

[1553] Right.

[1554] They're buying from.

[1555] So they would buy it from Pablo and then distribute it.

[1556] Yes.

[1557] Yeah.

[1558] Distributed.

[1559] Yeah.

[1560] They get their hands.

[1561] They're, they're, Oh, I'm sure And And then after that We went to Brussels No, we went to Paris Went to Paris Went to Paris What is it like doing Stand -up in Paris Snobby Is it?

[1562] Is it?

[1563] Like that Really?

[1564] But it was good They They Yeah, they were good Paris is good Because Louis's girlfriend lives there Right His girlfriend's like She's like Ellen Of Paris I guess Yeah I'm assuming Yeah she's nice She's like a real big comedian Over there Yeah and his new special I watched his new special Sorry It's very good His new one It's funny He's funny It's funny It's interesting It's getting mixed reviews But I think it's just Because people want to hate him That motherfucker The people that are Louis CK fans We'll love it We'll love Yeah I was at the cellar one night The big seller The underground He's popped in and I can see the look on the audience face he did 20 minutes on the pros of suicide and I was like you can't do this around motherfuckers who are weak and drunk man you know what I'm saying yeah because there was a lot of people going yeah I see his point I see his point hey motherfucker stop talking man somebody gonna kill theirself in here Louis so yeah well he's always been like one of the most prolific guys Like, he used to put out a special every year, which I think is too much.

[1565] I think every couple years, I think you want to give the material time to cook.

[1566] If you're doing a new special every year, generally speaking, I feel like it could use a little bit more time.

[1567] With mine, you'll see a car and you go, it's a nice car.

[1568] You see it next year, it's got rims, a little tenant, it's this, then you see it again.

[1569] It's fucking been elevated, that business.

[1570] Yeah.

[1571] You said, that's the same car, but wow, look at all this shit.

[1572] you don't put on it.

[1573] Yeah, exactly.

[1574] That's how all jokes are.

[1575] It's like bits.

[1576] Some of them, though, come out right out of the box.

[1577] They're perfect.

[1578] It's rare, but some of them do.

[1579] Some of them come out right out of the box.

[1580] You don't have to do shit with them.

[1581] But most of them, it takes time.

[1582] It takes a little time to get it right, get it tuned in.

[1583] I have jokes that I would say 20, 30 years in the making.

[1584] Yeah.

[1585] It's because it's from different.

[1586] parts of my life.

[1587] The first time I did Deaf Comedy Jam, and I did the thing, I said, where the lady sneezed, and a booger hit me, and the booger was on me, and then I said, the transit cop said, hey, did you hit that lady?

[1588] I'm like, man, she put a bug on me. And then he says, I'm going to kick your ass.

[1589] And I said, well, I was about to run.

[1590] And not because I was afraid, but he was handicapped.

[1591] And everybody goes, oh, he wasn't like in a wheelchair.

[1592] He just had like a little alarm.

[1593] And I do this.

[1594] whole fight thing, we fight and he hits me with the little arm.

[1595] So that shit happened in the sixth grade because this guy said that I was messing with his sister.

[1596] But, you know, it was like, you know, sixth grade love taps.

[1597] They was jumping double -dutch and I knocked the rope down.

[1598] What little boys do when they're like girls?

[1599] But one of his friends liked her.

[1600] So he said, yeah, he was And so my man came over with his boys, and he's like this.

[1601] He said, yeah, man, I heard you fucking my sister.

[1602] I'm like, come on, son, you don't want this.

[1603] You know what I'm saying?

[1604] Come on, you don't want this.

[1605] Because he had the little arm.

[1606] I'm like, you don't want this.

[1607] So you know how the kids get around, like, ooh, and we're squaring up.

[1608] And I'm doing my thing, you know, and man, next thing I know, he had his arm around him.

[1609] We're kind of struggling.

[1610] And he went.

[1611] fuck it just echo like a hollow coconut because he hit me with the baby arm yeah so it was a big joke maybe that's why things ain't working out it's just you can't it's just hard to explain a bit without doing a bit yeah so yeah so say a bit like that that that that that little arm thing happened in sixth grade whereas the nose thing happened.

[1612] It did happen on the subway but it didn't happen to me but it was a lady and it looked like kind of crusty right here.

[1613] Right.

[1614] And she I remember she went she sneezed like like like like that and then a bugger just went like no one saw but me and went right on the guy next to her and then she like did that in a bubble like with a snot was popped out there so I just added it to the bit I twisted it all around and made I'm like but look at that it was 20 years in the making so when you were in France like how they understand English yeah so do they laugh at everything or does no they're laughing at everything they're very so the sense of humor's different no it's just what me I think I I think I have an easier time because I speak slowly and deliberately yeah and I don't rush and I don't make it too American you know I know when I know when I've crossed the bridge you know what I'm saying like when I left Manhattan into you know like I remember speaking of Reggie McFadden the first time he came to D .C. First time I saw him in D .C. And he's up there telling jokes about the subway.

[1615] Nobody.

[1616] Right.

[1617] Yeah, it wasn't and you know nobody goes to you know he's like everyone rides the train.

[1618] Yeah, everybody who lives in New York rides the train.

[1619] Yeah.

[1620] And so like it's it was I'll tell you the easiest country where people speak another language is the Netherlands.

[1621] Because, you know, Dutch is English, French, and German mixed together.

[1622] But Paris.

[1623] That's what Dutch is?

[1624] Yeah, it's English, French, and German.

[1625] Really?

[1626] Yeah.

[1627] It's a combination of three languages?

[1628] Three languages.

[1629] Because you're hearing and they go, okay, perfect.

[1630] You're like, what?

[1631] I understood that last part.

[1632] Yeah, so they all that together.

[1633] and um but how did louis do in france louis kill they understand them totally yeah he killed because it was it was it was it was more of like what you saw mike tyson do like it's just a soliloquy instead of just joke joke joke joke joke right you know you know some some some valid points some some funny nuances you do right and here's a little about me and so when he's when he's up there like he's doing like an hour yeah and is this in a theater like what kind of do they have comedy clubs up there it was a small theater as a matter of fact I think it was called the American theater um yeah it was it was um let me see I would say the spot held like about two three hundred about two hundred because here's the stage And here the people, like, they're kind of almost like a colosseum, like, what's that shit called?

[1634] With a doo -doo fly in your food.

[1635] Doodoo flies in your food?

[1636] Medieval times.

[1637] Oh.

[1638] It's that shit.

[1639] You ever been there?

[1640] Oh, you mean like horse shit?

[1641] Yeah.

[1642] Because they're, yeah, and everybody's eating and drinking them, and the fucking, the air is just full of horse shit.

[1643] Yeah.

[1644] And I'm like, I'm not, no. Not smart.

[1645] Yeah, I'm not.

[1646] You could get pizza and hot dogs and pretzels and...

[1647] And they're jousting.

[1648] And they're jousting and shit is flying around.

[1649] Not interested in that.

[1650] Nah.

[1651] So what other countries did you guys do when you were on the tour?

[1652] You did Portugal.

[1653] You did France.

[1654] France, Belgium.

[1655] And then went to Rotterdam.

[1656] You got to go to that club in Rotterdam.

[1657] Did you ever do the thing in Rotterdam that we...

[1658] I've never been to the Netherlands.

[1659] You got to go.

[1660] They speak English very well.

[1661] Especially in the big cities, like in Amsterdam and in Rottadam and stuff like that.

[1662] Yeah.

[1663] You know, what's his name?

[1664] Tom Rhodes always, as a matter of fact, he married a woman from there.

[1665] Well, Tom Rhodes used to have a show over there.

[1666] He used to do, like, a talk show.

[1667] Oh.

[1668] And it's like it had a different name to it.

[1669] It's like it wasn't Tom Rhodes.

[1670] He was playing a different name.

[1671] I forget what it was called, but it was like Tom Rhodes was the host.

[1672] but it wasn't the Tom Road show it was like I remember he was his old old name but he lived there for a while he was like a star over there and the late night talk show thing was like the format was a lot much more relaxed much more you could say a lot more you could talk about more shit over there the first time I went it was me Tony Rock me, Tony Rock, Godfrey, and Teddy Smith.

[1673] And I just remember us watching television.

[1674] It wasn't cable and no shit like that.

[1675] It was like, condom commercials and it'd be two guys.

[1676] And then, like, you see, like, what they're doing now in America?

[1677] You see a family, the dad be black, the mom be white, the little kids be beige and shit.

[1678] I'm like, what?

[1679] Because they just wasn't doing that here in America.

[1680] Now, all over the place.

[1681] We're like, wow.

[1682] These people are progressive and they're very tall.

[1683] they're big people right here it is the Kevin Masters show starring Tom Rhodes yeah it's like they just had a so it's from 2002 to 2004 in the Netherlands is that his wife right there I don't know I don't know who those just somebody was interviewing I was just a guest as a matter of fact the first time the first time we went it's because Esty fired me because I got from the cellar yeah I got the late I'm always late I got a little late and Esty said I can't take it.

[1684] No, no, Tony, I can't take it no more.

[1685] I'm like, but I'm here now because the show's running behind.

[1686] I'm still here for my spot.

[1687] She said, well, yeah, shows running behind because we had the stall because she wasn't here.

[1688] And then Gotham call.

[1689] He said, we need somebody right now.

[1690] That's when they had the, what was it, 21st?

[1691] He says, we need somebody right now.

[1692] I turn around to walk up the stairs.

[1693] These guys are like, yo, I know this guy that is speaking in Dutch and everything.

[1694] Say, where are you going?

[1695] I'm going to Gotham.

[1696] So they go up to Gotham, and the guy who was the host of the show, he goes, listen, everybody in the Suriname loves you.

[1697] Blah, blah, blah, blah.

[1698] Suriname?

[1699] Yeah.

[1700] He's saying this.

[1701] I just figured this motherfucker had an accent and was mispronouncing Vietnam.

[1702] Because if you see him, he looked like he could be blazing.

[1703] You know, he looked like he could be.

[1704] So maybe his dad was over in Vietnam.

[1705] Right.

[1706] He said, man, everybody in Suriname loves you.

[1707] So then they say, yeah, we're going to bring you.

[1708] And then one guy who says, have you ever been to the dead of life?

[1709] I'm like, and the other guy would say, you're going to love Holland, right?

[1710] And I'm like, okay, where are you motherfuckers from?

[1711] Right?

[1712] It's all the same spot.

[1713] And then they call me up to do the show.

[1714] We start going over there to do the show.

[1715] So that's when you started going on tour over in other countries?

[1716] No, that's when I started going to Holland.

[1717] That was for the Comedy Factory.

[1718] All of us did that, like Patrice, Rich Falls.

[1719] They should bring us over there and do that show and Rotterdam.

[1720] That was though we all ride bicycles.

[1721] And everybody thinks that you go over there and do decadent and shit like prostitutes.

[1722] You go see the prostitutes and take pictures.

[1723] That's just it.

[1724] Because, I mean, would you walk into a glass booth and would everybody look in?

[1725] Would be sad.

[1726] She's just calling to your room.

[1727] Listen, because it's legal, all that stuff.

[1728] And then they got the weed and the mushrooms and the space cake.

[1729] I think they're backing off of some of that stuff over there because so many people go over there and get too fucked up especially on edibles.

[1730] I mean, they just don't know what they...

[1731] I lost my mind on edibles last time I was there.

[1732] Well, if you don't know what you're doing, you eat too much.

[1733] It was the guy...

[1734] Space cakes.

[1735] And I got one little piece.

[1736] Yeah, that's all you need.

[1737] And it was like fucking 12 noon.

[1738] I ride my bicycle, go get something to eat, but I would be glad.

[1739] Get ready, do the show that night.

[1740] Catch a train to go do the show, come back.

[1741] And then I'm in the room and I'm laying down.

[1742] I guess that's when that's when that's when that's.

[1743] shit kicked in because I'm like hey man my fucking my feet long like this I was laying in the bed but my feet kept going stretching out and it's a good thing I was on the phone because I was like I don't know something wrong so I then I called downstairs and say hey man somebody keep trying to get in my room because what would happen is they had the little zip lock thing on the door.

[1744] It's not a chain.

[1745] It's like a zip thing.

[1746] Okay.

[1747] So when I was going to go downstairs to complain that my bed is making my feet long, I was open the door and it goes, and then I go, shut it back.

[1748] That's when I called.

[1749] So, yo, somebody trying to break in my goddamn room right there.

[1750] And I was on the phone and then she says, I'll call the Marriott and ask them to, so my man comes to and says, I'm like, what's up?

[1751] And then I open the room, and he goes, you have to.

[1752] I'm like, oh, yeah, shut it.

[1753] Take that off me, come.

[1754] He goes, are you okay?

[1755] I'm like, yeah, I'm good, why?

[1756] He goes, someone called and said, did you're having the problem with your feet?

[1757] I'm like, no, listen, somebody's trying to get in my room.

[1758] Then he says, have you had anything?

[1759] Have you had indulged yourself?

[1760] He says, you're not going back out tonight.

[1761] I'm like, now he says, they gave me some water and said, drink this water and he went into the mini bar and gave me some candy and he said, he says, there's no charge just, you know, it would be nice if you did if you did not go out tonight, Mr. Woods.

[1762] I'm like, I'm all.

[1763] I'm good.

[1764] And then of course they went back downstairs and of course I called them back because somebody was still trying to get in my room.

[1765] So did you go on stage that night?

[1766] No, I had already been on stage.

[1767] The fucking day was over.

[1768] I had done that.

[1769] 12 noon.

[1770] Oh, wow.

[1771] Yeah, and I'm like, what if that shit it kicked in when I was out in the street, man?

[1772] Because, you know, bicycles are like rush out.

[1773] It was like Beijing over there.

[1774] The bicycles and, like, you know, yeah.

[1775] And that was one little corner.

[1776] And the kid who gave it to me, it was another comedian son.

[1777] He was like 30.

[1778] But anyway, he says, yo, that space cake was horrible.

[1779] It was the worst.

[1780] It was this.

[1781] I'm like, bitch, I lost my mind last night.

[1782] You know what I'm saying?

[1783] Those people with tolerance, man. People that have too much tolerance for marijuana, they'll fucking ruin it for you.

[1784] Like Joey Diaz.

[1785] Joey Diaz can put that shit away.

[1786] I've been on planes with him before.

[1787] He's eating like 200 milligram stars of death, throwing two, three down his throat at the same time.

[1788] Wow.

[1789] I know.

[1790] It's hard to believe, but I've seen it.

[1791] I borrowed my son's car, I drove his car.

[1792] And he always, he's always loved gummy bits.

[1793] I just, you know, this is why I'm driving, just and then I went to go get some, went to go something done at Kinkles, get something copied or something like that.

[1794] And the lady says, what do you want us to do?

[1795] I'm like, I don't know how to work this machine.

[1796] She says, okay, you put your card in, you press start, press a minute, I'm like, I still don't know how to work this machine.

[1797] Did you know that the gummy bears were weed?

[1798] I did not fucking know.

[1799] But I was like, I figured it out.

[1800] I have to, it's not, you know.

[1801] How many did you have?

[1802] It's like a small bag of them.

[1803] I ain't holding my fucking.

[1804] He owes me. You know what I'm saying?

[1805] I'm like, come on, one bag of candy.

[1806] All the bags of candy out and bought you, boy.

[1807] So it's good, man. So do you have an idea of where you want to do your special?

[1808] Nope.

[1809] I wanted to do it super funny.

[1810] What's it called?

[1811] Nate Jackson's Supper Funny Club.

[1812] Tacoma.

[1813] Oh, okay.

[1814] You know him?

[1815] No, no, I've never been, the only thing I've done Tacoma did a show with Dave out there.

[1816] Nate Jackson is, he plays Junkyard Dog on Young Rock, the TV show.

[1817] Okay.

[1818] On the Young Rock TV show.

[1819] He plays, and I just like his club.

[1820] It's just, and I like that, what I call it?

[1821] The Dead Crow.

[1822] I like the Dead Crow, and I like the Comedy Works.

[1823] I'm trying to think of what other clubs.

[1824] Well, you know, these are clubs that I just feel, good in so when you do um if you do a special at a club how many shows do you want to film you want to film two four what do you want to do that's what they were saying yeah i like how many you want to do i just like to like do one and go i like that one yeah but i know you're not supposed to do that i heard well it's just there's a lot of pressure i know sometimes you have a lot of pressure yeah the pressure is when the uh when the execs go uh so um have you prepared your set yet Oh, they want to go over your material with you.

[1825] Oh, that's the idea for Tiffany.

[1826] For the Tiffany thing.

[1827] They said that they wanted it typed out.

[1828] Oh, God.

[1829] So I just got some, no, I just got some old shit.

[1830] And this woman, as a matter of fact, the woman from my podcast, Maya, that's what she does.

[1831] Like, in court or whatever.

[1832] Stenographer?

[1833] Yeah.

[1834] So she just transcribes a set.

[1835] Transcribes some set.

[1836] And so when we did the thing, you know, one of the people she was like oh so you you changed it around I changed what around she's because you didn't do the bit about this I'm like oh yeah my man I haven't done that shit in 20 years so you wrote out the set but you wrote it out totally different yeah I didn't get fucked with it I just said yeah because they kept pressuring me like yo send us a COVID test and send us the transcript I sent him the COVID test and he's like okay we wanted the transcript I'm like I gave money back once.

[1837] Well, I canceled a special once because I was on the phone with these executives and we were going over material and they're like, well, this has to change.

[1838] You can't say this like that.

[1839] We can't say this.

[1840] And I was like, we're good.

[1841] I go, we're done.

[1842] I quit.

[1843] I go, I'm not doing it.

[1844] I'm going to do it somewhere else.

[1845] I'll do it on my own.

[1846] There's no way I'm doing this special.

[1847] Like, this is, we can't do this.

[1848] You can't tell me what I can and can't say.

[1849] When I did the Comedy Central special, special, the half -house special.

[1850] There's a part when I say, I went to acid, I smoked weed, and I stepped into the television, and I went to Africa, right?

[1851] And they were like, man, ya, man, yin, yin, yin, they were doing this.

[1852] Right.

[1853] And I say, these ain't hands.

[1854] Right.

[1855] You know what I'm saying?

[1856] Right.

[1857] And I think the guy's like, maybe we should go with boobies.

[1858] Boobies.

[1859] Something, something about boobies.

[1860] So instead of...

[1861] Because I say titties.

[1862] I say titty's in this same way.

[1863] He said, maybe we should go with boobies.

[1864] Oh, Jesus Christ.

[1865] And I was like, I say, I said, how long have you been doing comedy?

[1866] He said, no, I'm just, I forgot his title for comedy.

[1867] Exactly, whatever.

[1868] Yeah, I said, all right.

[1869] And then so, boom, that went through all the little bullet points of what I was going to do and all that shit.

[1870] Of course, I didn't do it.

[1871] And then at the end they go, well, you didn't do it.

[1872] I'm like, oh, man, I forgot.

[1873] You should have came with that list.

[1874] it's the worst is when they try to give you an alternative word and you got to understand you don't even understand funny and plus he's like yeah man every time I watch one of these shows somebody gets a check for editing yeah well put that motherfucker to work because I'm gonna say what I'm gonna say that's hilarious yeah fuck is he doing here if you're telling me what to say look fuck out of here go to the enemy man hey you fire motherfucker because I got to do my own editing get out of here so you literally don't know when you're doing it you don't know where you're doing it and Dave said just call me when you're ready I feel like I have to step in and help come on in man I'm ready I feel like I have to call Dave and go Dave I was talking to Tony and we got to work this out we got to make this happen you know how people people say that we remind each other of each other a little bit.

[1875] A little, but I think you definitely influence his style.

[1876] Like to, but I don't mean the comedy way.

[1877] I mean just kind of in the personality because I watched the podcast.

[1878] He sat up in here in the podcast with you and he said, listen, we're going to have to do this for real.

[1879] I'm going to come back and I'm going to do it for real.

[1880] And I'm like, you just did it.

[1881] Yeah.

[1882] You just did it.

[1883] He's like, yeah, I'm going to come back and we're going to do it.

[1884] You know, we'll probably do it on such and such time.

[1885] You're like, oh, yeah, cool.

[1886] Like, you were like, we got it.

[1887] We're good.

[1888] Well, there's that, that's the thing with Dave.

[1889] Like, he's, he marches to the beat of his own drummer, you know?

[1890] Like, if he.

[1891] Yeah, but see, I'm 10 years old.

[1892] And back, they got, like, a lot of different titles for people who marches to beat their drum and they got all kind of stuff in that.

[1893] Back then, they used to say, oh, he's simple.

[1894] So that's, they call me simple.

[1895] Simple was It was before people used good words like autistic and stuff You know Because the first time I heard Somebody say autistic Because the little boy Was jumping on The couch With his fucking snow boots on And his father goes Hey don't don't yell at him Because he's autistic I'm like I don't give a fuck if he can paint I'm just saying son Tell Picasso to get off my couch But That's because I did I didn't Didn't know what it meant.

[1896] I didn't know what it meant.

[1897] I'm not a bad person, everybody.

[1898] But I guess a lot of people are going to say, maybe karma's keeping you from that special.

[1899] No. No, it feels like you just need someone to corral you.

[1900] Yeah.

[1901] Point you in the right direction.

[1902] Yeah.

[1903] Because once you're up there, once you're on stage, you're a bad motherfucker.

[1904] No doubt.

[1905] No doubt about it.

[1906] 100%.

[1907] I feel like if someone just points a camera at you for five shows, one of them is going to be a plus.

[1908] I think it would be better if those.

[1909] nobody tell me the cameras are there.

[1910] That's it.

[1911] I think if these motherfuckers hide the cameras and then they would say something like, okay, see that right there?

[1912] That's the camera.

[1913] I'll go, don't look at a camera.

[1914] I'll go, don't look at a camera.

[1915] And see that over there?

[1916] That's a camera.

[1917] That's a camera.

[1918] But the camera's really somewhere else.

[1919] Right.

[1920] Boom.

[1921] Yeah.

[1922] And then I would just go.

[1923] Well, the thing is about when you do five shows, it's like you just get used to the fact of the cameras or four shows.

[1924] You'll get used to the fact there's a camera on you and it won't mean anything to you.

[1925] Yeah, I never, yeah, well, the cameras never mean.

[1926] especially when they be go three two no I'm talking about when they're telling me wrap up oh that they go in they go yeah they got the red light is blinking on top of the camera yeah I would just go my bad I did a 20 minutes on BET's comic view one time too how much time you were supposed to do yeah I think uh four to seven minutes I was the last one Well, for the last one, what's the big deal?

[1927] Yeah, as I said to Bruce Bruce, come on, my fucker.

[1928] Last one.

[1929] He said, he said, well, I ain't the one you got to worry about.

[1930] Well, then why fuck you say something to me, dog?

[1931] Listen, it's all good because I think it was the end of the series.

[1932] And then, you know, and I was just up there just going, going.

[1933] Right.

[1934] Yeah, I had drove 17 hours to get to New Orleans.

[1935] Oh, really?

[1936] Yeah, because they gave me money to fly down, but I said, Fucked that.

[1937] I'm going to drive.

[1938] And drove down there and I did the thing.

[1939] And it was good, man. Bruce, Bruce says, damn, man, you know.

[1940] I guess he's like, you know, we had plans.

[1941] We just going to go, I don't know.

[1942] I was like, damn, man. He said, but it was produced about Ruby Red.

[1943] He said, well, I ain't the way you got worried about.

[1944] All right, then.

[1945] Did you have to worry about anybody?

[1946] No, he was basically, you know how one of your siblings might say to you, right?

[1947] Wait till Dad gets home.

[1948] Oh, you're going to get it.

[1949] Right.

[1950] And then you go, am I in trouble with you?

[1951] You go, no, I ain't the one you got to worry about.

[1952] Well, then.

[1953] Right.

[1954] Where did Dad get here?

[1955] Yeah.

[1956] Let's let it go.

[1957] It's all good, man. Well, whenever your special does come out, please let me know so we can let everybody know.

[1958] I'm doing my special in Austin.

[1959] Yeah?

[1960] Why not?

[1961] That's my name.

[1962] We're going to call it the Why Not Special.

[1963] It's a great place.

[1964] It's a good place.

[1965] places here?

[1966] Yeah, there's a lot of great places.

[1967] Do you have a night?

[1968] I thought that you would have a night down there.

[1969] I do Tuesdays and Wednesdays at the Vulcan Gas Company.

[1970] What is that?

[1971] It's on 6th Street.

[1972] Today is Tuesday.

[1973] Yeah, I do Tuesday night, yeah.

[1974] My flight leaves today.

[1975] Well, next time.

[1976] Whenever your special comes out, we'll have you back.

[1977] Hey, but check it out.

[1978] Can I plug some shit?

[1979] Yeah, plug some shit.

[1980] Oh, I forgot almost, man. Tonywoods .com?

[1981] No, I don't.

[1982] I don't.

[1983] You got a website?

[1984] No, I ain't got it.

[1985] You don't have a website?

[1986] Come on, man, I'm plugging my show Okay, plug your show Come on, man On the 30th of December I'll be at the Arlington Cinema and Draft House It's called Tony Woods and Friends The shirt that I gave you Tony Woods and Friends And then damn I can't think of the other show I got some more shows But this Thursday I think they sent them to me Okay, I think they sent me an email This Thursday, Arlington Cinema and Draft House in Arlington, Virginia, not Texas.

[1987] Got it.

[1988] Where's he at?

[1989] Man, this is, so y 'all edit this up?

[1990] It's going to come out to be like a half hour?

[1991] No, it's two fucking hours.

[1992] We're not editing this shit.

[1993] We've been up here for like four hours.

[1994] No, it's two hours.

[1995] Yeah, we've been doing it for two hours.

[1996] I was having so much fun.

[1997] I didn't know.

[1998] I'm trying to find this email.

[1999] I know they sent me an email asking me to talk about some shit.

[2000] Oh, Jason?

[2001] Probably.

[2002] Yeah.

[2003] Okay, I got it in front of me. Okay, on December 30th, Arlington Draft House in Arlington, Virginia, January 13th through the 15th, Atlanta, Comedy Theater in Atlanta, Georgia.

[2004] January 16th and 17th, Hard Knocks, Laughs in Las Vegas.

[2005] Where's that?

[2006] I don't know.

[2007] I don't either.

[2008] It's in Vegas.

[2009] That's in Vegas.

[2010] Hard Knox laughs, Las Vegas.

[2011] February 11th and 12 Wiley's in Dayton, Ohio, and then February, or excuse me, then March 31st to April 2nd, side splitters But also, wait, I got something in Chicago too.

[2012] Oh, yeah?

[2013] They didn't give me that.

[2014] No, because he didn't, he didn't book that.

[2015] That's not in the, that's not an thing.

[2016] You don't have a website?

[2017] I don't know.

[2018] Do you have social media?

[2019] Yeah, I got it.

[2020] Yeah, you got an Instagram page, right?

[2021] Hold up.

[2022] Does your Instagram page have your dates on it?

[2023] You should probably put them up there.

[2024] Man, you know, because people always talk about they get a blue dot and they say, yeah.

[2025] Because you know what I'm saying, man, you got up your followers.

[2026] I'm like, I don't need, I don't.

[2027] How many followers do you have?

[2028] I don't know.

[2029] But yeah.

[2030] I'm going to be a riddles in Chicago on January the 7th and 8th.

[2031] Okay.

[2032] Did we already call those dates?

[2033] We called the other dates.

[2034] We didn't call that one.

[2035] I don't have the riddles in Chicago one.

[2036] I got the Arlington Draft House one, Atlanta Comedy Theater in Atlanta, Hard Knocks in Vegas, and then Wiley's Dayton, Ohio, and sides.

[2037] The 7th and 8th is before that.

[2038] That's right after the table.

[2039] Yeah, I know.

[2040] For some reason, I don't have that on this list.

[2041] Yeah, see, that's me, everybody.

[2042] Okay, we've got it now.

[2043] Tony Woods, you're a bad motherfucker.

[2044] No, man. It's great to see you.

[2045] It's been a long time.

[2046] It has been.

[2047] Without a strong rhyme to step to.

[2048] I hear you talk with everybody about killing these caribou and stuff.

[2049] I want to see this.

[2050] I mean, the one out, which, what is that one?

[2051] That's a deer.

[2052] That's a white -tailed deer.

[2053] Oh, that, this is just brass.

[2054] That's a gorilla, right?

[2055] It's a chimpanzee, yeah.

[2056] This is, there's an artist made that for me. Wow.

[2057] Yeah.

[2058] You know, I have a bear coat.

[2059] A bear coat.

[2060] Where'd you get it?

[2061] Fairbanks, Alaska.

[2062] Oh, shit.

[2063] So it's grizzly bear.

[2064] It's brown bear.

[2065] Brown bear.

[2066] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2067] So, um, we went to.

[2068] to this little outpost place and it's just a blanket on the wall just a, I'm like, what's that?

[2069] He says, well, people hunt and then, you know.

[2070] Get a brown bear.

[2071] Yeah, and I'm like, well, how much is that?

[2072] He's like, 150.

[2073] I got, I got, this is like in the 90s, 150, put it in a, put in a trash bag, came back, took it to this place in Bethesda, Maryland and said, can you make this to a coat?

[2074] Yeah.

[2075] So they cleaned it because it's flees.

[2076] It was nasty shit.

[2077] And cleaned it up.

[2078] And I remember I went to Uno's Pizzeria.

[2079] This is in Chevy Chase, Maryland, right?

[2080] Go to, like, Bethes the area.

[2081] I go, and the guy, he beeps me because this went away.

[2082] He beats it.

[2083] You said, you know, like, can you come back?

[2084] I come back, and, like, he's like, son, where did you get this?

[2085] I'm like, I was in Alaska.

[2086] I'm a comedian.

[2087] Eh, eh, eh, eh.

[2088] And they go, son.

[2089] He said, someone in the endangered species.

[2090] So they put a line.

[2091] It's a beautiful coat.

[2092] They're not on the endangered species list.

[2093] They were worried.

[2094] They were worried, no. I'm sure you my coat, man. I'm sure.

[2095] See, because they seem like everything I see on your Joe Rogan podcast, people don't believe me. Oh, they don't believe you.

[2096] That's why, because somebody told me not to mention mermaids.

[2097] Don't mention mermaids?

[2098] I saw a mermaid.

[2099] Really?

[2100] Yeah.

[2101] When?

[2102] It's a Shells Africa.

[2103] You saw an actual mermaid?

[2104] That's what it was.

[2105] It was a swimming person.

[2106] Really?

[2107] Yeah.

[2108] How long ago was it?

[2109] this um i don't know uh that's will sylvans it was um you think there's like a small population of mermaids that are out there but anyway me and this little french boy and they said don't they said don't swim in the lagoon after dark everybody's up at the bar and everybody's and so everybody's gonna go there everybody's kind of racing now so me and him go down me and him get in the water from a distance you see something coming like a fucking missile but it's going It's coming fast And we both kind of stop And then it turns And it jumps out of water And it's maybe at least 10, 12 feet long, man And it's due like this And look at both of us And go, The water was only about this deep Didn't make a splash or nothing And then me and him Turn the fuck around We're running And everybody's coming down And they laughing And got the drinks in their hand We're like, no, fuck that And the little boy In French And his mom is apologizing to me He has a very vivid imagine they and said no bitch listen we we saw a fish man and it wasn't like a mermaid didn't look didn't look feminine at all look a man a fucking man a fucking dude who said get the fuck out the pool basically it was like like do you know aquaman yeah yeah because he didn't go heck it out the water did it look like a fish person or it looked like a human being came out did it have scales it was kind of dark dark like a dolphin No, but he had The back of him was fish The back of him was fish His head was humanoid Eyes about so big Then If you Google it The Lagoon's of Seychelles Okay And I ain't the first person See some shit Really?

[2110] And the guy Who does the horseback riding You know you can ride horses And he said how old are you And I told him He says you're from America right I'm like yeah He said so at this age pretty much if you see a turtle and I tell you that's not a turtle you know it's a turtle you're the age you know what you saw he says the people pay a lot of money at this resort he says yes it's maybe not a good idea to go around I saw a mermaid he goes my he's saying how long his family has been fishing in these waters he says and he's heard some he's heard some things he says I've heard some things like what you He said, I've never seen what you say you saw.

[2111] But it's not the first time I heard that.

[2112] And I said, thank you.

[2113] But basically he was saying that if you ask me to co -sign that shit, fuck you.

[2114] Right.

[2115] You're going to be crazy by yourself, mother.

[2116] So who told you not to talk about mermaids?

[2117] Nobody told me not to talk about merma.

[2118] You said that.

[2119] I just said that.

[2120] Oh.

[2121] Because I'm like, if y 'all don't believe Dakota's bear.

[2122] You definitely won't believe the mermaid story.

[2123] I definitely believe the coat is bare.

[2124] Yeah, I got it from my outfit.

[2125] It bleeds and what kind of shit on.

[2126] Tony Woods.

[2127] Thanks for being here, man. Yeah, thank you.

[2128] Let me know when your special comes out.

[2129] We'll let everybody know.

[2130] I'm sure it'll be hilarious.

[2131] I'm going to Google.

[2132] Mermaids.

[2133] I'm trying.

[2134] He's trying.

[2135] If I found it, I would have brought up.

[2136] It's, and it was in the, it's in the lagoons around, like, you know, like how you know how the island is shit like this and like in the lagoon part.

[2137] Well, they say they've only discovered 10 % of the ocean.

[2138] Yeah, so, yeah, it's got to be some extra.

[2139] Maybe he's in the other 90.

[2140] All right, man. All right, Tony Woods.

[2141] Thank you.

[2142] And on Instagram, you're Tony Woods, right?

[2143] Tony Woods with a Z. Oh, really?

[2144] I think.

[2145] I don't know.

[2146] Let me look.

[2147] Yeah.

[2148] Tony Woods with a Z. Tony Woods, yeah.

[2149] Was there another Tony Woods with an S?

[2150] I don't know, but I'm the first Tony Woods in the world.

[2151] Like, if you Google me, I'm the first Tony Woods ever.

[2152] Well, you should be.

[2153] Nah.

[2154] All right, brother.

[2155] Thank you very much for being here, man. Appreciate you.

[2156] I see it to Arlington Draft House.

[2157] All those places that we listed, Chicago, Vegas.

[2158] Joe, this is the best podcast I ever done today.

[2159] Thank you.

[2160] You were great today.

[2161] No, this was the best one ever, man. Thank you.

[2162] I thank you, me. I feel humbled and proud.

[2163] I mean, you know, a lot of people say I just kind of go on the seat of my pants, but I actually was up and ready and prepared.

[2164] Ask anybody I got here early.

[2165] You did.

[2166] I don't ever do that.

[2167] Well, it was great to have you.

[2168] All right, man. Thank you very much.

[2169] I love you, too, brother.

[2170] Happy New York.

[2171] Bye, everybody.