#70 - Brendon Walsh

[0] Ladies and gentlemen, Brendan Walsh, please welcome Brendan Walsh to the podcast.

[1] Hi, everybody.

[2] Fresh out of Texas, bitches.

[3] Fresh out of fucking Austin.

[4] Austin, Texas is such a strange place, man. Just one, like, super hippie spot in the middle of this really conservative kind of fucking, you know, drag black guys behind trucks.

[5] Yeah.

[6] A lot of that shit going on outside of that, you know?

[7] I mean, I love Dallas and I love Houston, and I love the cities in Texas.

[8] But, like, there's a big difference between Austin and a lot of Texas.

[9] And everywhere else.

[10] Like, in even, I'd say Houston.

[11] But, like, any, like, Houston has a cool part of their town there.

[12] There's, like, a little part of the city that's, that's kind of okay.

[13] But any other place, like, just imagine for a second living in Dallas, like, or any other place in Texas.

[14] Austin is just so different for, not just for the state, I mean, for the country.

[15] It's like, it's a unique, cool place to live.

[16] It's a weird vibe, right?

[17] It's really always fascinated me when towns like get a vibe, like San Francisco in the 60s.

[18] I would have loved to have seen what that was like.

[19] Oh, I think about that a lot.

[20] Do you?

[21] Yeah.

[22] You watch documentaries on it.

[23] That must have been so strange before acid was illegal.

[24] Yeah.

[25] I watched the end of hair last night.

[26] You know, the movie hair.

[27] Yeah.

[28] And just the last scene, I was hanging out with.

[29] with my friend Henry Phillips.

[30] Do you know Henry?

[31] Yes.

[32] And, yeah, I don't know.

[33] He's the musician guy?

[34] Yeah, music comedy.

[35] He's the one who played with Doug?

[36] Yeah, he played on Doug CDs.

[37] Something to take the edge off.

[38] It's one of my favorite, Doug Stanhope CDs.

[39] It's a great one.

[40] And he did it very rhythmically together.

[41] They worked great, you know.

[42] Yeah, it's funny when Doug, and this is obviously, you know, secondhand, but I've heard it from both of them.

[43] When they first started hanging out, like Doug knew Henry was a guitar comic.

[44] and didn't see his act for years because he was afraid.

[45] He's like, well, if I see her act, it's a guitar comedy.

[46] It's going to suck.

[47] I won't be friends with you anymore.

[48] But then when he said, Henry's hilarious.

[49] I mean, I don't know if you're familiar with his stuff, but...

[50] I'm not too familiar with it, but that is a funny thing, man. It's really hard to be friendly with someone who's not funny.

[51] Yeah, and they were, yeah, they were palming around a lot.

[52] So Doug was like, I don't even want to see it.

[53] That's funny.

[54] Yeah.

[55] But Henry's great.

[56] He actually, well, we were talking in the car.

[57] He has a movie.

[58] called Punching a Clown that he made.

[59] It's hilarious.

[60] And it's, uh, it's out, you can get it on Netflix or whatever.

[61] Did they have it on Netflix streaming?

[62] I don't think it's on streaming.

[63] Damn.

[64] But, uh, but, uh, but it's definitely, you know, we buy a copy.

[65] By the way, before we get started, I don't have anything invested in the movie.

[66] I have to, uh, thank our sponsor, the fleshlight.

[67] It is an actual sponsor.

[68] Yeah, I've heard that.

[69] Dude, don't put the rubber dick on them.

[70] You're always creeping people out with the rubber dick.

[71] They made a rubber dick, but no one's fucked this.

[72] You don't have to worry about it.

[73] But check it out.

[74] Have you ever felt one of these things before?

[75] No. Fill it.

[76] That's supposed to be a butthole.

[77] Some serious technology, man. Yeah, that's pretty weird.

[78] I mean, this is, they've figured out masturbation.

[79] They got that shit nailed.

[80] Yeah.

[81] That's pretty fucking sporty.

[82] It's great.

[83] Yeah.

[84] If they just keep making these, I think the evolution of the masturbatory device is over.

[85] I mean, this is good enough.

[86] Yeah.

[87] Maybe some sort of a self -cleaning jammie might be.

[88] pretty good iPhone charging doc hey iPhone on Verizon today yes did you hear about that's good for iPhone's coming out on Verizon oh I heard something last night the only thing that sucks is it's not international and if you go somewhere like if you go to England try to use it it's not going to work and data and voice yeah you can't use but you know what how often does that come up does that come up for you a lot yeah hey I'm on the phone hey want to go get somebody to eat tonight yeah hold on let me look online and find out a good restaurant oh and you do it right while you're talking huh and you do it right Why are you talking?

[89] You do that all the time?

[90] Oh, I do it all the time.

[91] Or you're like talking to somebody Listen to Pandora or something.

[92] On one hand, not even that.

[93] Can you just hang up the phone?

[94] On the other hand, that is kind of cool to be able to do that.

[95] Do you use a headset or something?

[96] Well, a car Bluetooth.

[97] Oh, right, right, right.

[98] You're driving while you're doing this?

[99] No, like I as, like I was.

[100] Fuck.

[101] Google and shit.

[102] It's like more complicated than texting, you fuck.

[103] You're out there risking lives.

[104] No, like it's stop lights and stuff.

[105] Oh, only at stop lights.

[106] You've got to discipline yourself.

[107] son.

[108] Dude, in the traffic out here is a little bit different than most places.

[109] Most of the time you're sitting here going two miles an hour you know, it's still it's dangerous.

[110] Texting even going two miles an hour dangerous.

[111] Fucking red lights, you didn't see it in time, spang!

[112] Do you like you don't do it at all?

[113] No, I don't allow myself to because I'm worried about hitting somebody, man. I'm worried about being irresponsible.

[114] Well, definitely when you're on the highway going 55 miles an hour, I'm not just doing it.

[115] I just won't look at it.

[116] You know, I'll take phone calls and I can make phone calls with my car makes you know it does Bluetooth so you can actually tell it to do you press a button and say call Brian and you just talk through your stereo yeah yeah that'll do but I'm not fucking texting that's crazy I've seen people do it I've I've had people do it while they were driving and I was a passenger and I asked them to stop I'm like man you can't do that that's that's too crazy like you're you're you're like riding a motorcycle on one leg right you might get away with it but this shit might end ugly man put the fucking phone down you're typing with two hands and controlling the steering wheel with your pinkies.

[117] It's a 2 ,000 pound piece of machinery not your piloting.

[118] More like four.

[119] Now do that 2000 is like a race car.

[120] That's like a strip down car with like you know, yeah.

[121] I don't know how much cars.

[122] Three thousand, four thousand.

[123] Now do all that two miles per hour.

[124] You could probably do it right?

[125] Way easy.

[126] Yeah, maybe.

[127] I don't allow myself.

[128] The traffic in L .A. I hear you, man. I just when I'm in my car, something there's a guy named Tony V from Boston and he taught me this and he was he was a comic a comic from Boston excuse me and he was traveling from Boston to New York a lot he was driving like he was going like all the time like a couple times a week you know it's like three and a half hours there and back and he was going back and forth and back and forth and I said does that drive you crazy like how do you not go nuts when you're fucking driving he goes you know what the way I look at it I get in the car I just go zen I say this is what I'm doing now I'm driving my car it's like I'm not gonna freak out about it because I'm just gonna keep doing it I do it all the time.

[129] It's all on how you approach it.

[130] And I went, wow, that's such a fucking smart way of looking at it.

[131] And it, like, forced me to rewire the way I look at certain things.

[132] Mm -hmm.

[133] You know, like shit that's boring, travel, air travel.

[134] You know, you can really bum yourself out and go, fuck, I'm getting a fucking plane again.

[135] But you just know it's ahead of you.

[136] Just get zen.

[137] Just get zen.

[138] This is what I'm doing now.

[139] I have the same kind of attitude with the driving.

[140] I drove a lot when I first started, you know, doing the road.

[141] And I had driven from all.

[142] Austin to L .A. or San Diego a bunch of times.

[143] That's like a 20 -hour drive.

[144] And I would just do it, you know, drive, do it straight through most of the time.

[145] Um, but it's just like, you know, it's like, all right, well, I'm going to be in the car for a couple days.

[146] Yeah.

[147] And, uh, I just want to get there.

[148] I mean, I'm a fucking, I'm an animal behind the wheel.

[149] Do you worry about cops though, man?

[150] The whole fucking speeding is so.

[151] I don't, I don't speed like crazy.

[152] No, I'll do like just right around 10 miles over the limit just under.

[153] there's like a little gambling thing you do there.

[154] Well, because you see people whizz past you when you're doing that.

[155] It's like, well, that guy's doing a fucking hundred.

[156] So, like, nobody's going to pull me over here.

[157] There's certain people on the highway.

[158] Just go, this guy should not be driving, man. How many times you've been on the highway when you see some dude just weaving in and out of traffic?

[159] Oh, I hate that.

[160] Need for speed guy.

[161] You know, inside that guy's car probably sounds like, mew -woo.

[162] Like, he's probably one of those, like, guy that pimps out his car that, like, you know, like need for speed drifting.

[163] He probably drifts around sometimes this stuff a lot.

[164] Sometimes it's just douchebags, man. Well, it's people, everybody's the most important fucking thing in the world.

[165] Like, when you see cars fucking parked in parking lots and they're not like when people totally cross over two spaces, like real assholes.

[166] But like, just if they're like kind of not between the lines right, it's like, what are you in such a hurry for?

[167] Like, I always straighten my car out and fucking make sure you're not going to fucking be part.

[168] Is this like a boring conversation?

[169] There's that fine line though.

[170] There's this fine line between being a courteous driver and getting stuck behind a monkey.

[171] Yeah.

[172] You know, sometimes you just see some dude.

[173] You're like, oh, this fucking dummy.

[174] You don't even know what you're doing, dummy.

[175] You're fucking panicking.

[176] You're locking up the street.

[177] Okay.

[178] Do I go around this guy?

[179] Fuck yeah.

[180] Just go.

[181] Yeah.

[182] You know, sometimes you have to make that move too.

[183] Because otherwise you'd just be back there going, really?

[184] Yeah.

[185] This just took 10 minutes longer because you're retarded.

[186] Yeah.

[187] I got to be behind you.

[188] You fuck.

[189] That's why there needs to be something in the future where you're, you could just shoot that guy like a text message using his license plate number or something like like fuck you i hate just speed my balls ideally brian the utopia would be that they would no longer exist and we would use robots for retarded labor and those people wouldn't exist anymore we would have a fully enlightened society we would be able to really go into the ghettos and and revive the school systems there because we wouldn't be afraid of having poor people around all the time kill them off no we would be fine man we'd be utopia we wouldn't be afraid anymore that's the idea Brian I know.

[190] Not supposed to shoot them text messages.

[191] That shit's not going to help.

[192] They're stupid.

[193] What we've got to do is stop making stupid people.

[194] We've got to help those people to not be stupid.

[195] Therefore, their children won't be stupid, and there'll be no more stupid people.

[196] That shit is all possible.

[197] Yeah.

[198] Or we just think.

[199] Well, I mean, it's like, it's possible.

[200] You ever met a dude, though, like a genetic dude where you go like this guy, no matter what, this is that guy.

[201] He's just working on three cells of a nine -cell battery.

[202] He just doesn't.

[203] Yeah.

[204] It's not all there.

[205] he's not that there's not much going on up there there's a lot of people that are just like that like you have to some guys have big dick some guys some guys do not some guys have super powerful brains some guys do not some guys have brains that suck you know that's an unfortunate part of life and it's not even that you're you have down syndrome you have a disease you're just dull you're just some jackass yeah yeah there's a spectrum unfortunately there's a biological spectrum of people yeah and it includes brains you know yeah I mean I mean, you need kind of like, you need some people to deliver pizzas and fill the potholes.

[206] You're almost used as workers.

[207] You do right now.

[208] You do until we figure out how to make robots that can do everything.

[209] Then you don't need people anymore.

[210] You don't need people doing any nonsense things.

[211] You just need robot repair people.

[212] That's all you need.

[213] Right.

[214] I can't wait for that.

[215] Like, like, robot repair guys.

[216] That'll be every, like, when you're watching Moripovich, that you see those commercials for, like, robot repair.

[217] repair college.

[218] I had this joke that I used to do about the two things you'll never see at the same time is marijuana being legal and jet packs because society would crumble.

[219] Right.

[220] There would be no work if you had jet packs.

[221] You'd have to, you know, like you have to break things down.

[222] It's very important.

[223] You don't have too much fun if you want to keep society rolling.

[224] Brian will tell you that, right, Brian?

[225] That's right.

[226] Brian's just 100 % fun.

[227] I am fun.

[228] So this iPhone, the problem is you're not going to be able to do calls and get online.

[229] at the same time.

[230] Well, that's, to me, that's a pretty big deal for me. I'm a very data, very multitasking iPhone user, and at least I want that option, where to me, I have Verizon and I have a Palm Pre Plus, and it's great, but I've noticed, you know, doing, trying to do things on that, you know, when I'm on the phone.

[231] The iPhone on AT &T, if AT &T was the shit, the iPhone would be the greatest thing ever.

[232] But AT &T just sucks it so hard.

[233] Yeah, it's going to be so much nice.

[234] I don't have an iPhone, but I don't know anybody who can get reception anywhere, like where they live, like my old room.

[235] Dude, this is what happens, man. When we have a UFC, there's like 18 ,000 people in the arena.

[236] Yeah.

[237] But for anyone's there, I can use my iPhone, I can get online, I can go on my Twitter, I can check things out.

[238] As soon as the arena fills up, it's dead.

[239] It's useless.

[240] You can't get online.

[241] I try to Twitter from my phone, like when things happen in between rounds.

[242] I can't do it.

[243] Now imagine half of that arena, if not more, leaving.

[244] that arena to go to Verizon's arena and then your cell phone would work better, right?

[245] That's what the biggest problem is, is overcrowding on towers and the handoffs.

[246] So do you think that that's going to happen the same way with Verizon?

[247] Is it the same sort of a system?

[248] Because how much...

[249] I think it's good.

[250] I think it's going to dilute the cell phone's coverage out completely.

[251] You know, it's not going to be everyone on AT &T just so they can have an iPhone.

[252] It's going to be kind of more, you know, diluted.

[253] Right.

[254] But what I'm saying is, do you think that Verizon is going to get overburdened the way...

[255] They handle that capacity?

[256] At first, I bet, yes, there's going to be a lot of problems.

[257] That's so crazy.

[258] I bet you'll watch Verizon's network deteriorate at least in the first couple months.

[259] During South by Southwest a couple years ago, nobody's iPhones worked in the whole town.

[260] Because 150 ,000 hipsters all with iPhones come to town where there's all right.

[261] And you just couldn't get a hold of anybody in the whole fucking town.

[262] That is so ridiculous.

[263] You guys were forced at South by Southwest to go like, man's stuff.

[264] Well, I have Timo.

[265] Yeah.

[266] He yelled.

[267] Oh, you were fine?

[268] Yeah.

[269] I have a, I have a BlackBerry.

[270] But I couldn't get a hold of anyone.

[271] I used to have an AT &T BlackBerry, and I thought, you know, this is just the way coverage is.

[272] And then I got a Verizon one and driving around L .A. Like, all the spots that used to drop off, it doesn't drop off now.

[273] Yeah.

[274] That to me is fucking gigantic.

[275] That's the most important thing.

[276] I got to be able to talk to you.

[277] I got to be able to talk to you.

[278] I can't talk to you.

[279] You know, if the phone cuts it, that's number one to me. Yeah, iPhones are way better than blackberries.

[280] But for me, it's the most important thing is I got to be able to definitely know that I can get a hold of you, that I can get a signal.

[281] That's annoying as fuck to me when there's a lot of dead zones.

[282] When you can't keep a important conversation when you're driving somewhere, but you still have to have an important conversation.

[283] I can have those conversations in my car with Verizon.

[284] Yeah, but all those problems are 90, a lot of it is from overcrowding the cell phone towers.

[285] Is that true?

[286] Because what I heard is that GSM has a harder time switching towers.

[287] Well, it would be true if that if you drove the same place every single day and it happened at the exact same place while you're on the phone every single day.

[288] Most of the time it does.

[289] To me, there's one place that I know where you just go down this little loop and you lose service for a second.

[290] And that's the only place I can, but I remember every single time.

[291] But other than that, it's so random.

[292] From me, driving to legends, driving to the jujitsu gym, there's a few places where it just always cuts out every single time.

[293] But what Verizon, it doesn't.

[294] Boring -ass fucking conversation.

[295] Yeah, this is pretty cool.

[296] It's like a couple of guys hanging out on their break.

[297] Fucking loading dock.

[298] Techno Verizon talk.

[299] What's amazing, though, is how many people who are like on Verizon or on AT &T want you to be on it too.

[300] You know, those assholes.

[301] Like, come on man, get with Sprint, bro.

[302] Yeah, like, Sprint.

[303] Look at this.

[304] I got this phone, man. I'm on Sprint now.

[305] Sprint's good.

[306] It's good for minutes.

[307] It's good for minutes, though.

[308] If, you know, like you have minute to minute calling and roll over.

[309] Over minutes and stuff like that.

[310] That's true.

[311] You could look at it.

[312] I mean, that's a smart way of looking at it.

[313] Some people want to be on the same team as you.

[314] Yeah, when you have AT &T, if you don't use like 50 minutes the next month, you keep that 50 minutes and adds on to your minute collection and you can collect them, you know.

[315] I just have unlimited.

[316] Right.

[317] Yeah, you can do that too, which is you're paying probably extra than you really need to.

[318] I guess if you looked at it and you made, you want to, let me throw my hat into the ring here.

[319] How is that?

[320] T -Mobile.

[321] You don't seem like a stripper.

[322] Stippers all have that?

[323] You really don't.

[324] Is that a stripper phone number?

[325] Oh, fuck, yeah, that's a strip.

[326] That's like, hey, hey, it works everywhere.

[327] I got cricket.

[328] Wait, so like, no. I got cricket and T -Mobile.

[329] What?

[330] What is T -Mobile, like fucking ghetto skank phone?

[331] Well, it is a weird one.

[332] It's a weird one.

[333] Verizon is you're a, you know, no -nonsense person.

[334] That's like Coke and Pepsi.

[335] That's Coke and Pepsi and you're drinking RC.

[336] Well, when I got it.

[337] You're like It's like you don't even have the iPhone And you get that shitty service Right No it's good I don't have any complaints No problems I'm nowhere Yeah like it always works And it's like I don't pay that much Oh no no I actually would go with T -Mobile Before I go with Sprint probably Really?

[338] My touch It's like basically the iPhone Yeah Yeah keep telling yourself that power Yeah It's got a bunch of apps Yeah I got it's like the Radio Shack version of Atari or something.

[339] It wasn't even close.

[340] It's the iPhone five years ago.

[341] Check this out.

[342] Well, this is an older model.

[343] That fucking phone is, that's, that really is like some crazy leap of technology.

[344] I never thought it was at first.

[345] But then I've realized as time went on, when you start dealing with the applications, then you realize, like, whoa, this is like the most insane little device ever.

[346] Yeah.

[347] This is not just a phone.

[348] I can hold this fucking thing up to a speaker and they'll tell me what the song is.

[349] And also, like, I just put, I know, like, way ghetto.

[350] I just discovered the...

[351] Well, Angry Birds, you know that fucking video game?

[352] No, no, but like I was...

[353] Yeah, I'm...

[354] Whatever, I just...

[355] I never fuck with that shit and somebody showed it to me recently.

[356] I was like, oh, this is fun.

[357] But the fact that, like, you pull the bird back with your screen, like, just the fact that it's like, this thing knows, like, how far and how hard to pull this, like, rubber band?

[358] Like, how do they know where that is on the screen?

[359] And it's alien technology, right?

[360] It's crazy.

[361] It must be.

[362] Yeah, they...

[363] That's, like, at a certain point in time people look at things and they just go how did this ever get thought up you know it really does seem like it's alien shit it's got to be something because how did we make the leap from like when I was a kid there were fucking rotary phones and then now there's this I'm 37 and like I was using rotary phones and like you know we didn't have microwaves like if you wanted to make a potato when I was like eight years old, you'd have to block out like 40 minutes to make a fucking potato, right?

[364] You'd have to fucking bake that shit.

[365] Yeah.

[366] And when like microwaves were just like, oh, here's this new thing.

[367] Yeah.

[368] I don't know.

[369] I remember that.

[370] I remember that.

[371] Of course.

[372] Well, it's, you know, when I was, I'm 43.

[373] When I was a kid, there was no self, there was no answering machines, rather.

[374] Oh, yeah.

[375] You couldn't even get a hold of somebody.

[376] If you just, you got a call.

[377] Remember when it was like an emergency or you're trying to call a radio station?

[378] You're trying to do the rotary dial.

[379] And he's like, You're like trying to force it to go faster.

[380] How crazy is caller ID?

[381] The first time I saw caller ID, I was like, whoa, they can tell you who's calling?

[382] Like a little digital readout.

[383] It was like a separate standalone device.

[384] It would read the number as it was calling in and it would say it out loud.

[385] Call from 3 -2 -3 -116.

[386] And you're like, whoa, we are in the fucking future.

[387] I had, when I was in Austin, when everybody was getting the caller ID boxes, I guess I don't know if I had to change the number, into my name or something either way i got i found out you could get listed as whatever you want in the white pages so i told him my name was guy chinese so every time when i called one of my friends it just it's a chinese guy like oh some chinese guy called because it does last name first right and uh yeah that's just that's something i was reminded of recently when you look at the phone when an iPhone like when you get a phone call and it's coming in and you see that full resolution photo of the person oh yeah Can you see their name over it?

[388] It's like, I don't think we realize how fucking crazy that idea really is.

[389] The idea that you're able to send photos and images to each other.

[390] All of it.

[391] Just stream video.

[392] But touchscreen is like, yeah, that fucking blows my mind.

[393] Like, I don't, how does an iPad work?

[394] How does that shit fucking work?

[395] And how did that just happen all of a sudden?

[396] Exponential, you know, advances in technology.

[397] It's like one guy figures out one thing that applies to something else and they all get in together.

[398] And then they come up with a better one.

[399] And then it builds from there.

[400] and there's so many fucking people working on this shit all over the world.

[401] I mean, you know, technology begets better technology.

[402] It just keeps going and going and going and going, and it's at a fever pitch.

[403] For Christmas, I got an Apple TV, and I don't know if you've seen this.

[404] It's this little box that you hook up to your TV.

[405] How is it?

[406] I fucking love it.

[407] And I have an Xbox.

[408] I have a PS3, I have all that of shit.

[409] But this thing is so perfect.

[410] And what's cool about it with your iPhone, like, if you're sitting there and you want to search for a movie on Netflix or I, tunes or something like that.

[411] You just connect it with the remote application and you just sit there and use your iPhone as like the best remote ever.

[412] It's perfect.

[413] So you can use it.

[414] You can connect to like the slideshow is what's cool.

[415] If you have a flip of your iPhone connects as a wireless remote.

[416] Right.

[417] And if you have any videos or photos or anything on your phone, you just press play and it will transfer it to your TV and your sound system.

[418] So like I was watching like videos I filmed and just transferred it to my.

[419] And you're watching on TV.

[420] Yeah, from my iPhone.

[421] Or or I wanted to.

[422] did use my iTunes on here so I transferred it to like wireless and you can share other computers my old roommate had that yeah and uh I could yeah there's a setting and then I could play all my iTunes and shit through the TV through the TV and what's also cool is that if you have a Flickr account it connects to your photos and you can do like the last 200 photos so I have like if you've ever been to my Flick or just random photos and it makes like these cool collages as like a screensaver while you're listening to music so it's just like this tripped out slideshow from all your last 200 flickers and it's it's crazy like there's pictures of you and then there's pictures of like you know like Joey Diaz's balls and just mixed into like this collage it's badass and you can do it to anybody so I could do it to yours like I could type in yeah add Joe's flicker account so then it does a slideshow of all your photos like or your last 200 god damn badass what the fuck is going on love it I don't know I'm still upset you guys told me I have a dorky cell phone carrier it's not no I mean, it is a pink.

[423] Come on, fellow, you're going to be fine.

[424] It is a pink tea.

[425] You actually do have a track ball on it.

[426] You got to realize track balls are so 2000.

[427] I'm really, I'm so not a technology guy.

[428] Like, I don't know.

[429] I don't feel the need like when new shit comes out.

[430] I know you're like, you're into it.

[431] And I just, I don't know.

[432] I can like, this is crazy.

[433] That's like, fuck.

[434] I don't even like, do you drink scotch?

[435] Realistically, you're right.

[436] That's why.

[437] You're much more logical.

[438] I mean, realistically, just stay, don't pay attention as much, stay a bit behind the curve, and just fucking, it's plenty.

[439] It's good enough.

[440] Yeah, and people who get all the new shit, they'll be like, oh, wait, you don't have an iPod, I'll give you one.

[441] Here, take this one.

[442] You know, you're like, oh, cool.

[443] And I have like a first edition iPod, but it's the coolest thing I ever own.

[444] Right.

[445] That's awesome.

[446] Yeah.

[447] Completely true.

[448] Because I give all my shit away to, like, my friends.

[449] Like, Duncan has got like a whole entertainment system, which is like old printers and Oh, wow.

[450] LCD screens.

[451] Duncan's got my old iPhone.

[452] Yeah.

[453] Oh, that's right.

[454] He was talking about that the other night.

[455] Him and Natasha just moved in up the street for me. Oh, yeah?

[456] Hang out with him a lot.

[457] Orgy time.

[458] Yeah, that's right.

[459] We're already working it out.

[460] Get you freak on.

[461] Get you freak on.

[462] Me and Duncan are going to double team Natasha.

[463] Get Mayor Cutie involved.

[464] Isn't it beautiful that you work with comedians and you can say things like that?

[465] No one gets upset.

[466] I will see.

[467] We'll see it.

[468] But this is, if this was a, you know, a group of plumbers at some sort of a...

[469] Talk about double teaming someone's wife.

[470] Yeah.

[471] Not really.

[472] Yeah.

[473] Not really that funny.

[474] But comedians were, you know, you just accept it.

[475] For the most part.

[476] Well, first of all, you know when to say it and how to say it.

[477] Right.

[478] You know?

[479] But there's a lot of people that aren't comics that would say it and you'd be pissed probably.

[480] Oh, sure.

[481] Yeah.

[482] I'm a comic and I just said that to you about your wife and you're like, what?

[483] Well, you've got to...

[484] You talk about banging someone's wife.

[485] You've got to really know them good.

[486] Yeah.

[487] Yeah.

[488] You can't just fucking, you know, crack jokes about that to some guy you don't know, you know.

[489] It's got to be after, you know, I've been around you and the wife for 10 years and you haven't tried to fuck her yet.

[490] Right.

[491] You could be some crazy person.

[492] Yeah.

[493] You know, cracking jokes and making everybody uncomfortable.

[494] Yeah.

[495] I always think it's weird when you find out, like, somebody that you think you, or that you do know fairly well.

[496] And then you touch on something weird where it's just an innocuous joke about like, oh, I heard your mom has big tits or whatever.

[497] Right.

[498] And they're like, hey, fucking.

[499] No, no, I'm not down with that mom shit You're like, what?

[500] Wait, what?

[501] You're rational about every other thing, but then there's like this weird line that can be crossed.

[502] Well, there's people that are looking for you to cross a line all the time too.

[503] Oh, yeah.

[504] They look, you got fucking out of line, bro.

[505] There's those out of line guys that are looking to say that.

[506] It's unacceptable.

[507] Yeah.

[508] Did you see that documentary about Banksky?

[509] Banksy?

[510] Banksy?

[511] Exit through the gift shop?

[512] Yeah, exit through the gift shop?

[513] No. No, I didn't.

[514] I saw the preview and it didn't compel me. It's pretty interesting.

[515] People keep saying it's good, though.

[516] It's good.

[517] It's one of those things that you're going to look at, at least L .A., a little bit different now.

[518] Like, there's so many things that you just don't even notice.

[519] Like that Andre the Giant symbol, that's everywhere.

[520] Right.

[521] It shows the guy that makes that and what he does and how he's been doing it, and he's been doing it throughout, you know, everywhere.

[522] And it just shows also, like, all these street work.

[523] When the guy does that, comes out and says that, can't they arrest him?

[524] I mean, because they can sit.

[525] that, like when you put those images all over the place like that, they consider that it's like graffiti, right?

[526] Probably could.

[527] Vandalism, I'd say, but maybe unless they catch you red -handed, like you could go around all day and say, yeah, I put that up there.

[528] But really?

[529] If there's no proof, I mean, how are they going to prove that you did it?

[530] You're saying you did it.

[531] You're an artist, here's your work.

[532] Here's this first original sketches.

[533] Yeah.

[534] I did, I put myself on a billboard in Silver Lake.

[535] I was driving home from the airport and I saw there was a top chef the new season for top chef like last season was in uh washington dc and they had all the contestants standing in like the reflecting pool at the washington monument on this billboard and when i was driving past that i just thought like it'd be funny as shit if there was just some other you just added another cast member some weird dude and i had just seen that exit through the gift shop and you know they get these big things printed up real big at kinkgos and i was like oh i can get it printed up and i called and was like they do adhesive vinyl at kinkos you make it as big as you want so i put on i put on like a fedora and a chef shirt like everyone else was wearing it had a big pot and was like stirring it i had my friend take a picture and i had to print it up real big at kinkos and then um and then i ran at a ladder from home depot and uh climbed up on the roof of the 7 -11 oh my god and fucking stuck myself.

[536] Did you have pictures of this?

[537] Do you have photos?

[538] Did you have photos?

[539] Oh my God.

[540] I have some photos.

[541] Oh, that's awesome.

[542] You must.

[543] The thing is I, my guy is like half the size.

[544] I'm way smaller than them.

[545] Well, one of them, I miss, uh, I can't, well, this is true.

[546] I, uh, I misjudge the size of the billboards slightly, but I did want myself to be smaller because I was going to put myself like I was in the background of the reflecting pool like, ha, ha, standing the pot.

[547] but when I got up there I couldn't reach up high enough so it's just like the chast of people did you worry about falling no it's on the roof of a 7 -11 so I just had to get up onto the roof and then use another like an eight -foot ladder to get up to the that's awesome wow dude that's so cool that's hilarious I can yeah I can pull it up on now can you get in trouble for this though we should we not talk well it's done it's over like they took the billboard down right but it was somebody else's ad Well, you know what?

[548] I was at a party, and there was an executive producer for the show who heard about it and thought it was hilarious.

[549] Well, so they gave it the green light?

[550] I have to get it out of my email.

[551] Well, they just, I mean, it was already there.

[552] Yeah, I mean, it's not like you're ruining it.

[553] I mean, it's so creative, you know.

[554] It was pretty fun.

[555] That's a genius idea.

[556] It was, and, yeah, I guess I can't.

[557] I won't sell out the people who helped me. But me and the guy, who was like my lookout.

[558] Like, I had a guy on the corner just to see, because it was at a busy intersection.

[559] And just he was, I had my headphones on with my cell phone.

[560] He was just like, all right, there's no cops, no cop.

[561] Like, he was just there to tell me if cops were coming.

[562] But we both, like, after we did it, we both agreed, like, I haven't felt that kind of, like, excitement.

[563] It was like, it was a feeling that I haven't really felt since, like, 15 or 16, like, just real mischief.

[564] Like, oh, we might get caught.

[565] Right.

[566] I don't know.

[567] there was a certain like because we weren't like drunk or high or like there was a certain kind of innocence and like fucking oh man I haven't felt like that in a while like that was like because like if you get caught too like what's going to happen the cop like especially you're sober you're not high and the cops like what are you doing right you're like well I just yeah I know I just put my picture on there that's I don't know you know I'm a fucking idiot I guess what do you what is that right let's get this over with like because if you're not wasted or anything right then what do they get you with, to get you with vandalism.

[568] Like, we've, I talked to my friends, is that?

[569] It's a pretty serious.

[570] It's pretty serious if it costs a lot of money to fix.

[571] A billboard, it's not.

[572] But, like, people that have sprays, like, sprayed the side of buildings and it costs a lot to repair.

[573] That shit's, like, it can be really expensive.

[574] Yeah, well, I think there's a big difference between graffiti, I guess, and, like, what, like, Bankski and all these, like, street artists guys.

[575] These guys are actually making, like, pieces of art that are better.

[576] Okay, but some of the graffiti guys do some badass work.

[577] Yeah, but, yeah.

[578] You know, these guys do some stuff that where people want that graffiti so bad.

[579] They'll buy the wall of that building for millions of dollars, you know.

[580] I mean, that's how big these guys are.

[581] And the cool thing about this movie is that it shows.

[582] How do they do that?

[583] How do they sell you the wall of a building?

[584] They would.

[585] Listen, if someone wants to buy this painting, so we're going to take this fucking building.

[586] They'll take the wall off the piece of that part of the building.

[587] Wow.

[588] Really?

[589] I've never even heard of that.

[590] Yeah.

[591] Watch this documentary.

[592] That's a billboard that I never got to.

[593] Or that's the thing I was going to put on the billboard.

[594] It's a 10 foot by four foot weiner sticker.

[595] There were these ads for, I don't know what it was.

[596] Like urgent care or something.

[597] And the whole billboard is just a blue billboard with white writing and that font that said, my blank hurts.

[598] My blank line hurts.

[599] So we're going to put, we're going to fill it in with, Yeah, so it just said billboard said, my wiener hurts.

[600] It was in November, and, like, I was on the road, and I got back and saw it.

[601] Either way, I saw the billboard, it was like, let's do that.

[602] It was like that time, it was like mid -November.

[603] It rained for like two weeks, almost every night it rained.

[604] So we couldn't do it because it's a big sticker.

[605] We couldn't do it when it was raining.

[606] We didn't want to do it on a Friday or Saturday because it was a busy kind of, there was a bar right there.

[607] Right.

[608] Either way, the night when we were finally, it wasn't raining.

[609] we were going to do it, they took the billboard down.

[610] We missed it by literally a few hours.

[611] Can't you just find like a Schwarzenegger billboarder?

[612] There's no more of them.

[613] Weener or something.

[614] Well, yeah, I mean, we have the sticker.

[615] Yeah, you could put weiner somewhere else.

[616] Well, I could also just spray paint over it and make it into something.

[617] I can keep my eyes out for easy to access billboards.

[618] Yeah.

[619] You should put it on like, like, you know, like an, I don't know, abortion clinic.

[620] fillboard or something we'll see where the fuck have you seen abortion like a Planned Parenthood where like a woman's looking down at it Come on in the Fred's abortion clitter Or how about like the Planned Parenthood Where the woman's looking down at her belly You know something about decisions Yeah you don't be scared Just put Wiener on her stomach or something Yeah I don't know Well I just I've been thinking of like Oh I need to find a use for the Wiener sticker But it's like I can just paint over It can still so Now I'm looking to see Because it's 10 feet by 4 feet That's a lot of vinyl That's fun Next time you do that Let me videotape it Okay That'd be hilarious You guys are both going to jail I'll do it Anyway this documentary Here's the important part about it It's about this What's made about It's called exit through the gift shop Yeah It's this camera guy He fucking is this crazy French guy That just videotapes everything And he has boxes and boxes And boxes of tapes You know of mini DV tapes And then one day he was like Bored and He was like I might do like when he become an artist like this he ended up doing this show and you know selling art for thousands and thousands of dollars and just pretty much prove that like is art you know what is art this guy hired to people other people to do all his artwork and paintings and sculptures and stuff so it wasn't even him doing the art he was hiring people to do all these pieces of art and then became an artist from that and it's like it kind of like that's what the point of the movie was like how crazy that journey is and what is art you know there are different opinions on the movie too a lot of people think the whole thing is just some Banksy hoax where he made all that art I see that guy the camera guy was fake like this is all just a big put on I see that and it could be I mean and then there's other theories where it's like oh well that guy was real but that was all just Banksy's art I don't know but it's all it's a great documentary really fucking love that that good yeah that good Netflix streaming too so watching on your iPhone on a shitter dude there's too many things to watch.

[621] I just saw Winnebago, man. Have you seen that?

[622] No, that's that guy who was the salesman who swore, motherfucker.

[623] I want to see that.

[624] Well, there's a documentary about him.

[625] Yeah, they went and found it was pretty, it's good.

[626] It's, it's a good documentary, yeah.

[627] Wow.

[628] It is.

[629] It was pretty what's so interesting about this guy?

[630] Well, I mean, it's funny.

[631] They show all those old clips, you know, of him, all the outtakes of him losing his shit.

[632] And so the guy tracks him down and he's like this very kind of Zen dude and he like hangs out with him for a day and he gets home and starts getting all these weird messages from him like that was a fucking put on like the guy is kind of nutty and angry it's just an interesting documentary it's just the guy then the guy like yeah I don't know he called I'm confused the Winnebego guy so he calls them back and says that that was a put on yeah he's like that wasn't really me I'm fucking like he's got problems and he's angry he's just like kind of yeah he's a little nutty.

[633] But it's good.

[634] It's actually, yeah, it's weird in touch.

[635] Yeah, it's a good documentary.

[636] There's a lot of nutty motherfuckers out there.

[637] How about this crazy guy that went nutty in Arizona?

[638] Yeah.

[639] Yeah, I don't know much about it.

[640] I mean, I know what happened, but I don't, I haven't been reading.

[641] He was bonkers.

[642] They talked to his classmates.

[643] Classmates were terrified of him, thought he was going to shoot people.

[644] How old was he?

[645] He was fairly young.

[646] His YouTube videos.

[647] His YouTube videos freak me the fuck out that you can post it there's complete disconnect in his YouTube videos it's like he's just not making any sense whatsoever it's just weird strange just pile of words hot podged wasn't there anybody it's just strange very strange was he just like isolated from society didn't he have like family or friends or family he lived with his parents I believe he was just really crazy obviously there's some sort of a serious mental imbalance yeah and he just went nuts and you know people are blaming on sarah palin because sarah palin had these um these this website yeah where she had all these people that we were targeting like we got to get rid of these people in your district campaign against them and she had like targets on them you know like they were in uh gun sites exactly yeah gun sites that's the right word not targets that'd be what you would hit right um but the the whole the whole thing behind it you know is it's just a such a fucking strange debate, you know.

[648] Well, it's like, yeah, you really do have a certain responsibility.

[649] You've got to recognize that the shit you're saying is flammable, you know, and not everybody's going to be able to handle it.

[650] And there's a certain amount of nuts out there that if you put certain thoughts in their head, yeah, they might do something really fucking crazy.

[651] And they haven't done it before.

[652] You might be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

[653] You know, you go putting bullseyes on people or, you know, gun sights on people.

[654] And there's somebody out there that might just, that's it, that's all they need.

[655] And they go.

[656] It's not, is it your fault that they're that fucked up?

[657] Absolutely not.

[658] But you've got a certain amount of fucking responsibility when you're in the public eye in a position like that crazy bitch is Yeah.

[659] You know, someone's going to talk to her, so she's going to let her know.

[660] Like, you can't encourage violence.

[661] You can't do that.

[662] Because, you know, that's You're in a bad, your people are savages, all right?

[663] You know, your people, look, I would guarantee, they think that 41 % of Americans believe that the earth is less than 10 ,000 years old.

[664] This is a recent Gallup poll, 41%.

[665] It's, I can't, like, I I'm so shut off.

[666] Like, I mean, it's so disheartening.

[667] It's scary, right?

[668] But think about those people.

[669] They can vote, just like you and I can.

[670] Oh, dude.

[671] Yeah.

[672] So, Sarah Palin, if she connects, you know, with those people and she rides this, this wave of retards, like, that's, the numbers are very high.

[673] It gets real spook.

[674] I think 10 years from now, like, there's going to be a president in office that makes George Bush look like a fucking genius.

[675] Like, and Sarah Pell, like, we're that far away.

[676] Things are being diluted so much and people are just being dumbed down and dumb down.

[677] Like, I'm dumbed down.

[678] I used to be able to tell you 100 phone numbers.

[679] I know my mom's phone number.

[680] I could probably, I probably know five phone numbers now.

[681] Yeah.

[682] And that's stretching it.

[683] It's probably more like three.

[684] I totally agree.

[685] But people, but these like generations who were just being born with never having to learn a phone number, never having to retain information because they have Google and they have it's like yeah in 10 years if there is a 10 years there'll be Sarah Palin for president won't like I mean yeah there's going to be someone like her just some fucking I'm one of you it's like it's real obvious that we're moving in a direction where things are becoming more complex and things are becoming more technologically advanced but at the same time people are getting so fucking soft it's almost like there's two races going on you know there's a race the de -evolution race where we just fucking dissolve into some blob -like creature and the higher form where they figure out how to, you know, abandon the ego and transcend the human body and download consciousness into computers and shit like that.

[686] I mean, that's these, there's two directions that are going at the same time.

[687] People are devolving to the fattest, laziest cunts in the world live in America.

[688] And then at the same time, you know, and you know, America's supposed to be one of the biggest first world countries, right?

[689] At the top of the heap, when the country's fat, when there's money and when there's technology, the evolution is at a fucking staggering pace.

[690] Well, it's, well, I feel like the, you know, the people who are evolving, like it's just all these people, like the Sarah Palin type people, the people who are behind that, that's like, they're just, they're clinging.

[691] They're clean, on.

[692] They're speed bumps and their tools, like, they're, it's easy to, I don't know, manipulate, like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, there's some kind of power that doesn't want, like, people to evolve.

[693] Like, it's easier to control people if they stay stupid.

[694] So it's like, well, there's never going to be.

[695] But they want it.

[696] They want it, too.

[697] They want to be controlled.

[698] I mean, people get, it's comforting.

[699] That's what it is.

[700] It's fucking comforting.

[701] You know, when you, when you have a certain box that you'll think in and that's it, there's no thinking outside that box, Jesus is right here, and there's nothing above that.

[702] Right.

[703] Boom.

[704] There you go.

[705] You don't have to think anymore.

[706] You're done.

[707] You have much more resources.

[708] versus at your disposal.

[709] You don't have to think about shit.

[710] So for a lot of people, it's like a managing the mind tool.

[711] You know, for a lot of people, it's like, for them, it's like you, you're questioning any of their shit.

[712] It's like, you're fucking up my mind model.

[713] You know, and they get angry at you.

[714] You're making me think above Jesus.

[715] They're angry because like their days are just filled with sexual repression and guilt and fucking, you know, it's like.

[716] So crazy.

[717] Yeah.

[718] So they, that's, they need to channel all that towards, you know, some fucking dress.

[719] Lock guy and a cat and a hat hat fucking yeah you gotta meet that guy he's got something for you you might you might want to make a separate trip meet him in the parking lot and he's got the bigger bag I'm bummed this record store by my house is closing down and it's like I don't even think you can go to a record store anymore but it you go like horses bro yeah okay it's I took pictures I need a fucking horse yeah yeah cars now I like I like it though too I like going to record stores.

[720] I like going to video store still.

[721] Like, I don't have Netflix.

[722] Like, Oh, I can't do a video anymore.

[723] It's just, I don't know.

[724] I like kind of part of it is just like, I'm just going to go goof off like I did in high school.

[725] Like, go to a fucking record store, get high.

[726] And I'm just, I don't even know what I'm here for.

[727] Let's see.

[728] Let's browse.

[729] Like, let's find some gem.

[730] But like with Netflix, like, all right, well, I'm ordering, you know, a few good men.

[731] And, you know, I have this cue of everything that's coming to be my entertainment for the next.

[732] And iTunes, same thing.

[733] It's like, oh, well, let's just walk around Amoeba look through the discount LPs and God, yeah, it's like, oh wow, this is fucking some shit I never would have thought of to buy.

[734] Yeah, Amoeba's a fantastic place for that.

[735] That's a great place.

[736] You know, I like going through video stores too.

[737] I like going looking like in the horror section, like what kind of crazy shit you got in here that I never heard of?

[738] Yeah, you tweeted about that devil movie, I think.

[739] Yeah.

[740] I was not bad, man. I was pleasantly surprised.

[741] A lot of people got angry.

[742] me on Twitter after I said that they got angry at me. They didn't like it?

[743] They were like, that fucking movie suck cocked.

[744] I want to see it.

[745] People got violent.

[746] I tried to read it last week, but I was with a girl.

[747] Fucking girls don't like scary movies.

[748] You're dating the wrong girls.

[749] The kind of girls that are willing to date Brian love scary movies.

[750] Yeah, they're all about scary.

[751] Well, then maybe that says a lot, because I think I date pretty cool girls.

[752] Yeah.

[753] But I've never been with a girl that's in this third.

[754] Yeah, they never want to see scary movies.

[755] Any girl I've ever been involved with, I think.

[756] I fucking love scary movies Oh I love them too They were all scary I'd be so happy I don't I don't like him You know what I would love Every movie About an animal that eats people And they're trying to fight it off Do you don't like documentaries The Ghost in the Darkness Keep making more versions Of the ghost in the darkness I just want lions that eat people I think Maxim Overdrive Was pretty sweet Remember that one What was that?

[757] What was that?

[758] A big green goblin Semiard Came the life And ate and tried to run over Emilio Estevez Yeah I love that movie And I remember this And I also ACDC did the...

[759] Was that based on a Stephen King book?

[760] Yeah.

[761] No, it was, no, it wasn't a book.

[762] It was his first screenplay.

[763] No, it was the first movie he ever wrote specifically for the screen.

[764] I like that movie.

[765] And one of my second favorite horror movies was Christine.

[766] So I just like cars...

[767] Cars coming on.

[768] Car horror movies.

[769] I love the whole...

[770] The change in the dude where he's this real nerdy guy, and then he gets this car, and then all of a sudden the car, like, fucking turns him to this badass cool motherfucker.

[771] It was super confident.

[772] Yeah.

[773] That was cool.

[774] be, man. The book is fantastic, too.

[775] His books are great.

[776] Like, I read a shitload of Stephen King books in high school.

[777] Especially when he was doing Coke.

[778] Yeah.

[779] Back in those days, the blackout days, he doesn't remember a lot of the books that he wrote.

[780] Like, the Tommy Knockers, one of my favorites.

[781] He doesn't even remember writing that.

[782] I don't think I read Tommy Knockers.

[783] That dude was just, he was just pounding beer, doing lines, and just writing the craziest shit ever.

[784] Was he in Creep Show?

[785] Like, he acted in Crook Show, right?

[786] He's the guy that gets covered in and lost.

[787] And he was just, he was.

[788] His acting was so funny.

[789] The faces he made in that, it's so weird to watch that scene.

[790] He's crazy.

[791] It's funny, man, because I remember when I was a kid and I would tell people that I would read Stephen King, they almost like dismiss you.

[792] It's like you're not real serious about your reading.

[793] Right, right.

[794] You know, why aren't you reading Doshayevsky or something?

[795] You know, why aren't you reading, you know, some, a classic novel?

[796] Because there's no fucking killer clown that comes out of the fucking drain and kill you.

[797] It was the shit.

[798] I love those fucking books, man. They're good.

[799] They're fun.

[800] They're exciting.

[801] but, you know, yeah, people would, like, mock you, they would mock you your mind.

[802] Yeah, but it's like, it's fucking, he's good.

[803] That's why he's popular.

[804] Like, Bill, I fucking, I like Billy Joel, like, uniron.

[805] Billy Joel's fucking great, you know, and it's like, I love old Billy Joel.

[806] We've talked about this in the podcast, a bunch of times.

[807] Really?

[808] A bunch of times?

[809] I'm glad people are talking about.

[810] Yeah, I'm a fat, because when I was a kid, I loved Billy Joel.

[811] Yeah.

[812] That stuff that he started making like Uptown Girl and all this.

[813] I was like, whoa, where'd you go?

[814] Yeah, there's some clunkers.

[815] Where'd you go there, buddy?

[816] The Uptown Girl, yeah, that kind of phase.

[817] The shit that he did, like, piano man, that's like some of the greatest songs ever.

[818] Yeah, well, The Stranger is like a great album.

[819] Great album.

[820] That's almost every song on there is a fucking hit.

[821] And they're all good.

[822] 52nd Street's good.

[823] Glass Houses is kind of, that's when it started to make the turn into the more kind of poppy.

[824] I think pressure is on Glass Houses.

[825] Still a great song, though.

[826] It's a great song.

[827] Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker.

[828] Shit.

[829] He was.

[830] But then, you know, the other stuff, I couldn't hang with that uptown girl type shit.

[831] Yeah.

[832] And I was like, what are you doing, do?

[833] He raped one of my heroes.

[834] What's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing?

[835] That wasn't bad.

[836] I like that song.

[837] That's all the same album.

[838] You know what it was?

[839] It was kind of, he kind of went into this, like, doo -wop 50s kind of thing.

[840] But there was, like, a thing in the 80s, too, where the 50s kind of were cool.

[841] again like was that back to the future I guess maybe back to the future made it like that and still rock and roll to me man that's a good pop song I doesn't doesn't bother me the uptown girl even I mean uptown girl shouldn't even bother me it's the guy was in love you got some supermodel pussy I should just let him go crazy for a little bit you know he was banging L. McPherson before that was he?

[842] Yeah he was just on Howard Stern recently such a bad motherfucker he is he yeah he really fucking pulled in some talent oh my god his casting count He was like an ugly John Mayor You know It's like if John Mayer and Danny DeVito Had a kid More handsome than I when he was young Do you ever watch Do you follow Danny DeVito on Twitter Yeah I do What's up with it I don't want to see his toe anymore Oh come on man Look at his toe I know What happened to he stub his toe Is Danny DeVito If you want to show me your toe bro I will look at it Danny DeVito is a fucking legend Man He's gonna show you go to look at it I love Danny DeVito I love Danny DeVito It's like kidding if you were in front of that um who's that fucking guy that got caught with the shotgun and the bank what's that fucking oh uh from the larry sanders show yeah yeah yeah rip rip torn yeah yeah it's rip torn yeah is that his name yeah i feel like that's a gay guy that's rip taylor the guy with crazy mustache yeah at the end of the jackass movies yeah i saw the funniest shit last night and this is so old and i'm sure i know you probably haven't seen but you've probably seen a million times have you ever seen the old yon't seen a million times have you ever seen the old Yogi Bear that the original artists of the old Ren and Stimpe's was hired by Cartoon Network to redo a hour of Yogi Bear.

[843] No. And they just made Yogi Bear fucking crazy.

[844] And Boo -Boo turns into his, like, raging bear.

[845] Instead of being a nice guy, he becomes like a real bear.

[846] This is that John Crickafalucci guy.

[847] And he's, like, sick with rabies.

[848] And then he grabs Yogi's wife and they, like, start making out with, like, these trippy tongues.

[849] It's the most fucked up yogi bear ever.

[850] And I was sitting at home stone last night.

[851] And I thought I was a normal yogi bear.

[852] I just started watching.

[853] I was like, what the fuck is wrong with yogi?

[854] It's trippy.

[855] Wow.

[856] It's amazing that Hannah Barbera let their character, which used to be a kid's cartoon character, into the hands of a Rinan Stimping awesome.

[857] Maybe they lost money in the financial crisis.

[858] They're trying to...

[859] Yeah, I don't know.

[860] It's so it's called...

[861] It's Hannah Barberra is...

[862] Tightening their...

[863] It's called Boo Boo Boo Boo Goes Wants.

[864] wild.

[865] Is Hannah Barbera really an entity anymore?

[866] Do they still make cartoons?

[867] I think so.

[868] I mean, did they just sell their cartoons?

[869] Did they produce them anymore?

[870] I think they combined with a cartoon network or something like that.

[871] Now they are the cartoon network.

[872] It's the same comedy.

[873] I think it's probably like Viacom.

[874] How strange is it when you watch those old cartoons?

[875] Like when you watch it with the super violent ones, the super violent Bugs Bunny ones would shoot in each other and Daffy Ducks Bill would get shot around backwards.

[876] He'd get shot in the fucking face.

[877] you know it's like but now you could you it's a weird thing because you can still show those cartoons but you can't make a cartoon like that now you can't make or they just like i mean are they're they would never air that i mean if you did it it would be some crazy shit that you would have to have on like you know maybe south park there's like renn and stumpy on the simpsons where they kind of do that in within a cartoon yeah family guy if i was like yeah but not red and stimpy itchy and scratch yeah but these are these are for us like these shows are for for adults Well, so was the Flintstones, wasn't it?

[878] Yes, it was.

[879] The Flintstones.

[880] And that's what I grew up with is Flintstones.

[881] Yeah, that was like a version of the honeymooners.

[882] Yeah, right.

[883] They were trying to do in a cartoon form.

[884] Yogi and Bubu were kind of like a version of the honeymooners too, really.

[885] Yeah, a little bit.

[886] Yeah, it was such a fun pairing that they tried to redo it a bunch of different times.

[887] And snagglepus was a faggot.

[888] What?

[889] Brian.

[890] Texas states left even.

[891] Droopy Dog and Bubu had the same voice.

[892] Yeah.

[893] Yeah, that's right.

[894] He was an actor, Brian.

[895] It wasn't necessarily gay.

[896] Just because you get off the stage to the left, doesn't mean you're gay.

[897] And then that was the side of...

[898] Heavens to Murgatroyd.

[899] He just got flavor.

[900] He just had flavor.

[901] He just had a state's left even...

[902] Well, there were...

[903] That was kind of a certain type of celebrity back then in the 60s and stuff.

[904] Like, you had like Liberacee and, um...

[905] Who's the guy?

[906] What's his fucking name?

[907] Paul Lynn.

[908] Paul Lynn.

[909] Yeah.

[910] You got to do the head thing.

[911] Yeah.

[912] It was an unspoken thing.

[913] People have always loved gay people and, you know, in entertainment.

[914] It's always been the gay guy that America loves.

[915] Right.

[916] You know, there's always been a few of those.

[917] But they never talk about it.

[918] It must have been so terrible for gay people back then to just not be able to be out about it at all.

[919] Because it's not like today where you can just be walking around with your boyfriend.

[920] Elton John has bring his boyfriend to some dinner and they can hold hands.

[921] You know, Ricky Martin is on the cover of People magazine.

[922] Him and his boyfriend, you know, they both have their babies together and they're holding hands and shit.

[923] Like, that's all cool.

[924] You could not do that in the 1950s, man. It was not possible.

[925] It was an unspoken thing.

[926] Even if you looked like the gayest motherfucker that ever walked the face of the earth, like Liberace.

[927] Yeah.

[928] You would have a billion people insisting that you were a straight person.

[929] Yeah.

[930] Why aren't you married yet, Lee?

[931] We did talk shows and stuff.

[932] Yeah, they would always ask them.

[933] Oh, I haven't met the right woman.

[934] Did you see the kids cartoon?

[935] There's a kid's cartoon called Adventure Time.

[936] Have you ever seen that?

[937] Which is a straight -up LSD trip.

[938] Really?

[939] Every episode is just take mushrooms, and that's what the cartoon is.

[940] Well, my initial question was, why do you think it is that they were allowed to show violence like that back then?

[941] But now we can't.

[942] We can't look at that shit at all.

[943] Because back in the day, it was Cowboys and Indians.

[944] You know, it was always, you're grown up with a gun in your hand, and you're the bad guy.

[945] We were a good guy, like a war kind of thing.

[946] I think it was more acceptable back then war and all that because you grew up during World War I and World War II.

[947] Yeah, but there's wars going on right now.

[948] Yeah, but it's so funny, too.

[949] Like, it's funny to watch a guy's, you know, face blow up, and then it's all black and, like, you know, fucking his hair is all sticking back.

[950] Like, that's funny.

[951] Yeah.

[952] Dust is coming off the top of them.

[953] Yeah.

[954] That's the funniest shit ever.

[955] Yeah.

[956] But then I guess people started suing people because their kids, like, hit their fucking one kid hit another kid with a frying pan.

[957] Yeah.

[958] I have heard of that happening.

[959] I have heard of a kid that hit a kid with a frying pan because he thought that you could do that because of cartoons.

[960] Yeah.

[961] Yeah.

[962] But that's called, watch your kids, you lazy cunt.

[963] He's picking up a frying pan.

[964] Don't let him swinging at the four -year -old.

[965] I just wanted to see the head boner.

[966] Remember the head boner that used to pop up?

[967] It was like a boner that came out of your name.

[968] Oh, my God.

[969] I do remember that.

[970] And birds would fly around that big fucking lump.

[971] Trees.

[972] Remember tree branches would grow off of it?

[973] Smoking trees.

[974] Those fucking shows were great, man. Yeah, I think it's just funny when you like saw a guy.

[975] Like the three stooges, you know, you have a saw and Curley's acting up and you just saw him in the head.

[976] Yeah.

[977] The weird question, though.

[978] is how come it's okay to watch those now?

[979] Like you can have those now in the cartoon network where all these explosions and all this shit is going off but you could not make a new cartoon like that for kids.

[980] I don't know, man. Like I was saying, I've been watching these cartoons lately.

[981] They're fucking crazy now.

[982] You know, there's a lot...

[983] I mean, G .I .J. is a lot different than it was back then.

[984] What's G. G .I .J. do it.

[985] No, it's crazy and saying.

[986] Don't -ass, don't -tale shit going on.

[987] Chest hair.

[988] Duke has chest hair now.

[989] His dick sucks.

[990] Duke has chest hair now.

[991] Duke has just hair now You're like the Paul Linda this show Yeah he is He's straight as fuck too He's a scary part You can see it online I saw a clip of him He used to be on Hollywood squares All the time Yeah And the question the guy asked him He goes So Paul When a man falls off of a boat They say man overboard What do they say When a woman falls off a boat And he goes Full speed ahead Jesus cries Full speed ahead So funny Dude I want to listen to Paul Linden He has a Halloween special That's supposed to be insane It's hard to get a copy of it But it was like In 1976 Maybe he did this Halloween special For CBS It's supposed to be insane Really This gay guy that I knew from Boston Who was one of those gay guys I never really would say He was a gay guy on stage He would talk about his girlfriend on stage But he was really gay guy Very fascinating the character But he said, first time I ever saw a vagina, I was like, ew, when's it going to heal?

[992] I can't actually say that.

[993] When's it going to heal?

[994] Don't trust anything that bleeds for seven days and doesn't die.

[995] Well, no, it looks like a gash.

[996] Yeah, no, I know.

[997] You know?

[998] Yeah, it's a weird, it's a weird hole.

[999] I was out with this girl the other day that had, she doesn't like wearing underwear.

[1000] and she has a hole in her pants right where her pussy is and you don't notice it until like she sits down and she doesn't cross her legs and uh see some pubs or just some no her pussy's just right there it's ridiculous her pussy's got like pollutants on it yeah you should wrap that thing up in pretty cloth and I go why do you have it and she goes I just like these jeans and it's kind of cool you get to air out of pussy you're not supposed to have your pussy out there rubbing against a park bench against the world a park bench Pigeon shit.

[1001] Plastic seat at McDonald's.

[1002] It's some like homeless dude just fart on.

[1003] Well, Mrs. Rodriguez, it appears you have pigeon shit inside your vagina.

[1004] Any idea how this happened?

[1005] It's just blueberries.

[1006] A black hole.

[1007] It's trying to suck dicks in there.

[1008] And anything else that's close.

[1009] It'll take anything.

[1010] What is it?

[1011] Pridgin shit.

[1012] It's like a shop back.

[1013] Yeah, it's a shop back for cock.

[1014] That's your, your vagina is just sucking in pigeon shit.

[1015] Pigeon shit.

[1016] Acorns shit They just got acorns And a pussy Vigna Fucking flyers Birds Birds stuck up there Flyers that were stuck Under people's windshield And they flew them on the fucking ground It's all stuck Fucking postcard size You should go to jail If you make flyers You fuckhead Yeah you know I was thinking about making a website Because I just got another one On my street too And it's some For some computer thing But I want to make a website Of like Don't support these companies Like every place That fucking...

[1017] It's annoying to me, man, because now I have to take...

[1018] I don't want to litter because now it's my responsibility.

[1019] You put it on my car.

[1020] Yeah, you fucking shithead.

[1021] I'm not getting you...

[1022] You're not clean my carpet.

[1023] No. Clean my fucking carpet.

[1024] No, I'll call everyone else before the fucking nuisance who put a thing under my windshield wiper.

[1025] Now I got a deal with it.

[1026] I got to throw your trash out.

[1027] You're just trying to get our business out there.

[1028] Isn't it funny?

[1029] You don't ever get attacked by one?

[1030] You get attacked by six.

[1031] Like, you know, usually it's not just one little flyer.

[1032] If you get one little flyer, you get them in your side windows, also different companies.

[1033] You know what?

[1034] It might be the same company.

[1035] I wonder how many people, like, hire a service to go spam.

[1036] I mean, there must be some sort of a service that puts flyers.

[1037] It must be, right?

[1038] Yeah, like some kind of street team.

[1039] Yeah.

[1040] Some guys on rollerblades in a fucking mail sack, shoulder bag.

[1041] You could just make a deal with a bunch of different businesses and say, hey, we'll print up little cards for you.

[1042] We'll go out on my street team.

[1043] Yeah, some dudes we pay four bucks an hour or whatever.

[1044] Yeah, because there was a street team that was like part of the, when I had a, a CD at Warner Brothers.

[1045] It was my first CD.

[1046] And there was like a marketing budget.

[1047] And part of the marketing budget was a street team.

[1048] We're going out and put in fucking, they're going to vandalize.

[1049] Yeah, put up stickers out and hand out people, you know, hand out posters and shit.

[1050] Put them on walls and hand out CD packets.

[1051] Like, you're spam.

[1052] Yeah.

[1053] Putting little cards down at the coffee shop, postcards with your picture on them.

[1054] Is that CD your first one?

[1055] Is that the one with the, where the two guys are working out and start butt fucking.

[1056] and he's playing it's Brian Cowan.

[1057] Yeah, it's me and my friend Brian Cowan.

[1058] Oh, okay.

[1059] Yeah, I've heard that.

[1060] They play that on Sirius a lot, actually.

[1061] Yeah, Howard still plays that.

[1062] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[1063] It was Howard.

[1064] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1065] Thank you, Howard.

[1066] It is, that was the one thing that would have happened was that we made a CD, or I made a CD, and I wanted to make a sketch that it was so fucked up.

[1067] You could only hear it.

[1068] It wouldn't be funny to see.

[1069] You wouldn't have watched these guys really fuck each other, no. But there's something funny about it.

[1070] It was so ridiculous.

[1071] ridiculous.

[1072] Because there's always guys, like, if you're around any people that are like real bodybuilder type people, once they start complimenting each other on different portions of their body, like, you cross this weird line.

[1073] You might as well just start kissing each other.

[1074] It's like affectionate and weird.

[1075] It's weird, man. They start talking about your doubts, man, the way they're coming in.

[1076] These fucking delts are amazing.

[1077] It's just a line, bro, from the peck to the delt.

[1078] That's a beautiful symmetry right there.

[1079] You think so, you think so, right?

[1080] Never had that talk in my life.

[1081] Oh, man, it's a weird, the bodybuilder talk is weird talk, man. When you're sitting next to a dude and all of a sudden you realize he shaves his legs, and you go, oh, snap, son.

[1082] Yeah.

[1083] It's going on up here.

[1084] Yeah, I'm so distant from that.

[1085] It's a weird thing, man. I'm trying to develop my calves, man. I want to avoid getting the implant, but I'm just trying to, you know, trying to bulk him up.

[1086] Man, it's hot.

[1087] I'm super setting.

[1088] I'm doing a lot.

[1089] What do you think about my calves?

[1090] So there's like a dude who's on his knees staring at the dudes.

[1091] calves going, you know, it's not as bad as you think, man. They look small bro.

[1092] I'm telling you they're not that bad, bro.

[1093] It's, you know, Frank Zane had very small calves.

[1094] They just want to suck a cock.

[1095] That's what they really want to do.

[1096] They want to just dive on in there.

[1097] Yeah, or they're just...

[1098] We had those guys in high school that were really concerned about their bodies and working out so to the much that there was this one guy that had those Popeye calves where it was just like this huge bubble.

[1099] And as like a 16 -year -old kid, you'd just be like, Can't even wear pants.

[1100] That's fucked up, man. It's wrong with this guy.

[1101] Some people just have calves like that.

[1102] My dad has these giant calves, and he doesn't work out at all.

[1103] He doesn't do shit.

[1104] He's these fucking big, like, they're twice as big as one.

[1105] It's just like his natural calves.

[1106] My dad kind of has big calves like that, too.

[1107] Soft caps.

[1108] Some people just have weird ones.

[1109] Soft, damn.

[1110] My dad has soft, milky -like.

[1111] Some people just have freak leg muscles, man. They probably got some, a lot of Neanderthal in them, you know?

[1112] Neanderthal had some.

[1113] freak leg muscles.

[1114] Yeah.

[1115] That's what I think.

[1116] All right.

[1117] All right.

[1118] This podcast is also sponsored by marijuana.

[1119] I can't tell, ladies of gentlemen, the tangents, we're going off.

[1120] Calf muscles.

[1121] Fucking Neanderthals and shit.

[1122] Oh, yeah.

[1123] Oh, yeah, but your sketch.

[1124] That's how we started on that.

[1125] What did we start off with?

[1126] Your CD, the thing where you, Brian Cowan, fuck each other.

[1127] There's something gay about being really into your body.

[1128] But the reason why.

[1129] It starts, though, is because chicks like it.

[1130] That's what happens.

[1131] Boys find out, the boys find out that it makes other men jealous when they have muscles and that girls like it.

[1132] So then they get obsessed with their body.

[1133] But then somewhere along the line or spending too much time with other dudes, you know, spotting them while they're squatting, yelling in their ear and there's grunting and there's just pleasure.

[1134] All the pleasure chemicals are connected to this.

[1135] Well, and then you find, like, when you're getting laid, you're checking yourself out more in the mirror.

[1136] When you're getting a chick, you're banging, you know.

[1137] Ew.

[1138] That's got to happen, right?

[1139] Well, you've got to check out some of you.

[1140] Like, you want to check out.

[1141] Look at my penis going in the dream.

[1142] It's right there.

[1143] It's right there.

[1144] I want the lights out.

[1145] I don't want to see anything.

[1146] That's a creepy one.

[1147] They want the lights out?

[1148] Yeah, I've only had a couple girls ever in my whole life, so they want the lights totally out.

[1149] I'm like, what?

[1150] We can't even look at each other?

[1151] Yeah.

[1152] That's part of the fun.

[1153] Now I've got to get an infrared camera for this room.

[1154] That was some Boston Catholic guilt shit stuck in some poor chick's head I kind of like the lights a little low I don't like it bright I don't like when it's bright I don't like maybe a TV like a fluorescent fucking light lamp well as long as you can clearly make out body shapes and shit yeah yeah yeah clearly look at each other yeah why are we all looking at there's nothing wrong with banging in the daylight either huh yeah no I like the morning sex is the best sex oh the Catholic guilt That's what I, were you brought up Catholic?

[1155] Yeah, me too.

[1156] For a little bit, but not for very long.

[1157] First grade was the last, the last of it.

[1158] I went to a Catholic school and it was so horrible that my parents were getting divorced at the same time.

[1159] They sent me to this Catholic school.

[1160] And I went from nothing.

[1161] I didn't go to kindergarten anywhere.

[1162] I just went right to first grade.

[1163] First grade Catholic school, this fucking crazy nun.

[1164] She was so evil.

[1165] They're crazy.

[1166] So evil and so vindictive and mean and, you know, and just intimidating to children.

[1167] Yeah.

[1168] that any ideas that I had about religion just stopped dead right dead straight day i was like there is no way this bitch is talking for god i'm like this is all craziness yeah like these are all crazy people when you're around them you feel terrible you got to get the fuck away from them and like you can see the hypocrisy and see the anger and see the hear the shit that they were talking about when they were you know when the priest was on stage talking and the difference between that and the way they were acting yeah this is like this is insanity like this is a torture colony you're just fucking kids heads up it is yeah it does it fucks you up i did it for eight years first through eighth grade and when i was in second grade this is one of the most fucked up things i was in second grade and i was in the um they do like that passion play that it's like this thing they do around easter where like a bunch of kids you put on a little play or whatever right and uh so i was like in whatever this chorus thing and one of my friends jimmy was an apostle and we're at rehearsal in church and uh they're playing some music and there's some like acoustic guitar in the in the in the song so i try to get jimmy's attention i get his attention and go like yeah like make believe i'm seven you know right and uh and then sister diane this woman starts like stops everything starts screaming at me this is god's house you don't behave like that in god's house like yells at me embarrasses the shit makes me feel like shit i go home and she's doing it right when my mom's coming to pick me up too which is also like oh great my mom seeing me getting screamed at, because I got in trouble a lot.

[1169] But either way, so I go home.

[1170] Next day, I'm back in school, and somebody comes to class.

[1171] Like, Sister Diane wants to, or she comes, and she's like, oh, Sister Diane wants to see you in the hallway.

[1172] And I walk out of the class, seven years old.

[1173] And I even remember, too, when I'm walking out, I did, like, a funny dance to try to make one of my friends laugh.

[1174] Or, yeah, make one of my friends laugh.

[1175] As soon as I get out in the hallway, she grabs me by my tie and, like, picks me up.

[1176] And she's like, if you, you don't do that in God's house, this is a day later.

[1177] She's, like, screaming at me about what I did in church the night before.

[1178] And just a little air guitar move.

[1179] I just, yeah.

[1180] And I, like, just burst into tears.

[1181] Like, I mean, I'm seven.

[1182] Somebody just, I forgot about the whole fucking incident.

[1183] It's the next day.

[1184] And she grabs me and gets in my face.

[1185] And, yeah, it makes me crying.

[1186] And I have to go back in my class all fucking, everybody could tell them crying.

[1187] That's crazy.

[1188] I'm glad I didn't grow up.

[1189] They're a bunch of fucking dykes who.

[1190] or not die i'm not whatever lesbians there's nothing wrong with i'm a lot of lesbians are nice their their issue is that they first of all they've committed to something completely and totally irrational and by the time you become a certain age you start to realize that and you have to shut off parts of your brain in order to live this crazy you know semi monastic lifestyle well they're living a lie like they really want to lick each other's pussies but they're like well we're going to go to health we do that so we need to again like channel this fucking energy oh that kid just fucking spit on the ground let's go like beat the shit out of them with a ruler and yeah make them say prayers and kneel on chalk and all kinds of weird shit they made up yeah and you know and there's a lot of people that they're defended and they say hey you know my church was not like that and we were there okay i believe you and i'm not saying that it's all like that but god damn a lot of us had to go through with it some people went through a good catholic program and it was okay but they maybe even they're willing to tolerate a lot of shit that you and i wouldn't there's a certain amount of rules that you just say well that's the way are.

[1191] And for a lot of people, they're like, hey, why fight the rules?

[1192] But for most comics, most people who have the mind of a comic, you know, it's like, this is real stupid.

[1193] What is this rule?

[1194] Why is this here?

[1195] Yeah.

[1196] And Catholic school squashes all that shit.

[1197] Well, and they don't tolerate silliness.

[1198] Like, you know, like, because I wasn't a fucking like given teachers.

[1199] I wasn't like one of those kids like, fuck you.

[1200] Right.

[1201] I just was like, yeah, just trying to make my friends laugh.

[1202] And like, I didn't give a fuck about what they were talking about.

[1203] I just wanted to make my friend John laughed with this fucking picture I drew or face I'm making or penis.

[1204] It produces people who are always guilty and joyless.

[1205] That's what it produces.

[1206] Or then Sluts.

[1207] Guys like us who fucking, I mean, I've been thinking about actually reading that War of Art book too.

[1208] Not that they really talk about it in there, but I'm starting to recognize.

[1209] Like, I think I am kind of fucked up.

[1210] Like, it seems cliche like to be fucked up from this Catholic shit that was crammed down your throat when you're a kid but it's like yeah i think i do i am kind of fucked up from that like there are certain kind of like insecurities and like because i got in trouble for fucking goofing off all the time and now my whole life is goofing off your professional but then i feel guilty about it or like do you really yeah like i feel yeah how do you feel guilty do you feel guilty like hey this isn't like a legitimate way to make a living you should be do something like what do you feel guilty about Well, I'll, sometimes, well, this is kind of a whole different can of worms, but I do think that this, it's like, it's really self -absorbed, self -serving, selfish kind of, like 90 % of my brain power is thinking about me and what I'm doing, you know?

[1211] Right.

[1212] And so I do think it's kind of an empty existence sometimes.

[1213] It's like, well, you know, maybe you should just be helping people or, you know, like actually really doing something instead of fucking worrying about, you know, taping a, fucking set on a TV show like right right four minutes of jokes um but also like i yeah i just like i don't there's like kind of a weird kind of fear of success i think i have from it too where it's like because i'm always like saying well i'm not good enough right because everybody was telling me i'm a fucking idiot when i'm a kid and then knock it the fuck off right and now it's like oh like there's weird kind of it's a mixed bag like yeah you feel like you're fighting against it all the time like you're swimming up river or i'm playing chicken with something, you know, where it's like, you know, oh, here's where I want to be or here, you know, like, yeah, playing chicken with success or whatever, where it's just like, oh, right when I'm getting to it, oh, I'm going to fucking flinch because I don't have the fucking balls or the, you know, confidence or, you know, shit that was kind of tried to be shaken out of me when I was a kid.

[1214] Yeah, I think that's a real valid point, man. I think, you know, especially seeing little children growing up now, you know, being around my daughters and seeing how they evolve, like, as little human beings and how you're programming, your input shapes out their confidence, shapes the way they do things.

[1215] Like, I've seen my little daughter change from being scared to be around kids to being like really social and like a short period of time, like fearless, like dives into groups of kids and starts playing.

[1216] And it's really like a slow metamorphosis of just just communicating with her and and showing her, you know, how to how to be around people and what's fun and all, you know, just like getting to kind of like give them a framework of how to think about things.

[1217] but the framework that you get from the Catholic school is so jacked it's so your bad guilt you're a terrible person you're an illegitimate person you're going to shame your parents you're shaming God it's all this like fuck you suck it's all it's just this terrible fucking over overpowering suppression feeling you know that's crazy because my whole religion growing up was completely 100 % different than that kind of shit ours you just go Sunday and what kind of it was teaching Christian Lutheran Lutheran.

[1218] But it was more like Mello.

[1219] It was like, so here's what we believe and let's just talk about it.

[1220] Cool.

[1221] Did you go to us?

[1222] You didn't go to like a Lutheran school or?

[1223] No, I just went to.

[1224] Because my folks weren't like crazy religious.

[1225] Like I had to go to church on Sundays up until, you know, I was 14, like when they were like, I'm not fucking arguing with you anymore or do whatever you want.

[1226] But my folks weren't like super religious.

[1227] It was all the school shit, like these nuns and priests and, yeah.

[1228] Well, it's, I mean, Nobody's crack in any fucking case, saying that the Catholic fucking religions fucked up.

[1229] I mean...

[1230] Yeah, well, you know, it's just interesting that I've talked to so many different people that have gone through with some sort of a troubling religious background.

[1231] Ari Shafir with Judaism.

[1232] Ari was like a serious practitioner where he'd read the Talmud like 12 hours a day and, you know, he was living in Israel.

[1233] I mean, like, he went deep with it.

[1234] you want to try I'm getting oh wait my bars just went away yeah there's not much signal up here we could try fucking strip her ass phone uh trying to get a call up here with T -Mobile son hey Douglas me boy it's Joe Rogan we're doing our podcast right now what are you doing brother what's going on no this is me he can oh yeah I guess you get it yeah that's what now everybody knows they're going to rip me off.

[1235] People are going to get your phone number and then they're a call with a fake accent.

[1236] He fucking posted online every day.

[1237] Do you really give out your phone number, man?

[1238] I saw those guys who interviewed you on the internet.

[1239] Some dude just showed up at your house and you gave him the directions to your house.

[1240] Wow.

[1241] And you didn't know nothing about this dude.

[1242] Douglas, you're an original, my friend.

[1243] What's the phrase that pays?

[1244] What?

[1245] Is this Ralphie Mae?

[1246] Or are we?

[1247] he's still on with Doug Stanhope?

[1248] Who is this?

[1249] You think he's not going to make it?

[1250] I think he makes it through sheer force of will.

[1251] And weed.

[1252] He's going to...

[1253] Nice.

[1254] That's a good one.

[1255] That's a good trade.

[1256] Lewis Black is fine.

[1257] And he's a good man. I'm rooting for him.

[1258] Oh, Michael Douglas is out of the woods.

[1259] It's very strange.

[1260] Oh, you know your fuck when Tom Seisbore is giving you advice and that I turn your life around.

[1261] Did you watch the celebrity rehab?

[1262] I know you have, you've tweeted about Dr. Drew.

[1263] Have you been watching this year with the chick that fuck Tiger Woods?

[1264] She's my favorite.

[1265] She's...

[1266] It's not even a celebrity right now.

[1267] It's not even close.

[1268] It's like people's moms and shit.

[1269] It's like some singer's mom and some dude who's a rich, his dad's rich, so he's on.

[1270] His dad's not even fucking famous.

[1271] Scott Bacula's niece.

[1272] It's fucking fascinating.

[1273] And then the girl who fuck Tiger Woods Who was just addicted to love It's fucking fantastic Are you in L .A. again?

[1274] Are you back yet?

[1275] Okay All right, brother Well, we'll talk soon I'll see you this week, man, for sure All right, I'll see you tomorrow All right, brother, later Talk to you later Ladies and gentlemen That was powerful, Doug Stanhope Live via speakerphone This is the first time I've ever attempted this on the podcast We've never done a speakerphone To a microphone, cell phone an impromptu conversation.

[1276] That was pretty good for, yeah.

[1277] I mean, we were talking about him earlier.

[1278] It's Doug Stanhope.

[1279] How could you ever get anything better than that?

[1280] He's always going to nail it.

[1281] Yeah, he's always good.

[1282] He's consistent.

[1283] Except one time when I called in to a Seattle station instead of him, he was out of the country.

[1284] Oh, yeah, you were doing that for a while.

[1285] That was...

[1286] I only did it once, or twice maybe.

[1287] Yeah, we had heard about that.

[1288] You had done some interviews pretending to be him?

[1289] Yeah, because he was...

[1290] I forget.

[1291] Oh, he was out.

[1292] I think him in like Andres and Shawcroft.

[1293] He was like going to be out in the woods or something and there was no reception.

[1294] Oh yeah, that thing they used to do.

[1295] It wasn't the desert party.

[1296] It was some other thing.

[1297] I forget what the fuck.

[1298] But either way, Hennigan, his manager called.

[1299] Oh, do you want to do a phone in for Doug?

[1300] His manager's Irish?

[1301] He's Scottish.

[1302] You never met Brian?

[1303] I don't know.

[1304] I must have.

[1305] Did you ever see the video I put up a Doug where he couldn't make it to an interview at a car show?

[1306] so I put up some local comic in San Francisco.

[1307] Yeah, and he played the role of Doug.

[1308] Like, he had sunglasses on and a hat.

[1309] And it was so funny because the guy was just saying the most ridiculous things.

[1310] Doug, you're such a fun guy to know, because he's like, he's really doing everything that I, you know, he's supposed to be doing.

[1311] You know, like, guy gets a vasectomy, you know, he lives in a fucking crazy yellow house in the middle of nowhere.

[1312] He goes on the road.

[1313] He doesn't go to the comedy clubs instead.

[1314] He books things on his own.

[1315] Very rarely go into comedy clubs.

[1316] clubs, books things on his own at rock clubs, develops his own following on the internet, becomes totally self -sufficient.

[1317] He's really doing it.

[1318] He's doing it the perfect way.

[1319] I mean, he's, that's really dug.

[1320] You know?

[1321] There's no affectation.

[1322] He knows who he is.

[1323] He's a genuine dude.

[1324] Have you been to his place?

[1325] No. You should, we're, you want to go for the Super Bowl?

[1326] He's having a party.

[1327] I can't get a work Super Bowl weekend.

[1328] That's a UFC weekend.

[1329] Oh, that's right.

[1330] Yeah, we bet on that too.

[1331] Maybe I could fly in on Sunday.

[1332] Maybe I could fly from the UFC to you guys.

[1333] that might actually be fun.

[1334] That would be fun.

[1335] How far away is it from an airport?

[1336] Tucson Airport, I think, is an hour, hour and a half.

[1337] Tucson's a crazy -ass place, huh?

[1338] That's where that kid came from.

[1339] That's where the shooting.

[1340] That's a Wild West, baby.

[1341] There's a hotel there called the Hotel Congress in Tucson, and they have a...

[1342] Doug and I perform there.

[1343] They have a...

[1344] It's a cool performance space, but it's like this old -timey hotel, like Dillinger, somebody.

[1345] got captured there or something or slipped i don't know there's like a lot of history of you just at the at that place i performed there twice with dug oh so he does shows in tucson that's cool wow does living in arizona does he have like more of an arizona following now does you have a lot of people that like it's a weird little town he lives in no he doesn't perform in his town right he's done a show i think really yeah like one or two he's talking about oh yeah him and rick shapiro well i mean fuck we just had him on the phone You can tell all these stories better than me. He totally, I think we were saying once about how it would be kind of weird if, you know, they all saw as like abortion joke and then he has to run into it at the supermarket, you know.

[1346] He has these, there's some of his neighbors, neighbor Dave and Evelyn are just like two regular.

[1347] Evelyn works at the Safeway.

[1348] Dave works for Frito Lay.

[1349] They're just like super nice people, but they're like regular.

[1350] As regulars can be.

[1351] Right.

[1352] And they're like, yeah, Doug's best friend.

[1353] but they it's like I don't think they've seen too much of what he's like they know that he's like a comedian and I think he said he showed Dave some stuff and he was like oh yeah that's you know Does he call him neighbor Dave?

[1354] Neighbor Dave yeah he referenced it if you read Doug's uh I think neighbor Dave was just in the hospital for something and Doug was doing one of those things where he's getting people to send him weird stuff Doug does not get enough credit it just doesn't for just these genuine human beings Pretty respected across the board.

[1355] Yeah, no, I agree with that.

[1356] That's not what I mean.

[1357] I mean, he should be...

[1358] Stadiums.

[1359] Enormous.

[1360] He should be, like, one of the biggest guys ever.

[1361] I agree.

[1362] Yeah.

[1363] It's, there's, there's, like, I don't know what it is.

[1364] It's like, for me, if you wanted to construct, if you wanted to construct a comedian that I could go to see, as a lifelong stand -up comedian, you know, Ducks stand -hop's a perfect guy.

[1365] I know I'm going to hear some crazy take on something that I either agree with, or I can see his point, and it's, he takes, me in a place I didn't see coming and it's hilarious and it's all well thought out and it's all constantly evolving and it's all always interesting and it's always real and it's like god damn that is stand -up fucking comedy like that's the real shit right there there's not many people like him like seeing a Doug Stanhope show that I could think of.

[1366] There's so many there's a few comics man where I'm always like how come the whole world doesn't know about Nick DePaolo you ever seen Nick DePaolo kill I've never seen I've never seen Nick live outside of Montreal short.

[1367] Let me tell you something.

[1368] When I was coming up, when I was in like 1988, when I was doing open mic nights, Nick DePaula was a couple years ahead of me. And he was just a fucking killer.

[1369] Even then.

[1370] Like, you always had like sick timing and great writing.

[1371] And I went to see him shit, it was a couple of years ago.

[1372] He was doing one of the late night shows.

[1373] What are you doing there, Brendan Wall?

[1374] I was going to lean back but I was trying to get that to stick up.

[1375] Okay.

[1376] I'll take this.

[1377] He's panicking here.

[1378] Anyway.

[1379] I hadn't seen him in fucking forever.

[1380] And I almost forgot how funny he was.

[1381] He just destroyed.

[1382] Destroyed.

[1383] And everything's got that fucking Boston thing going on.

[1384] You know, everything's got that fucking Boston accent.

[1385] Yeah.

[1386] That hardness.

[1387] He's talking about people in Katrina not getting rescued.

[1388] He goes, maybe they'd know where to find you if you could fucking spell.

[1389] He goes, what is it saying on the roof?

[1390] Heap.

[1391] Hep, you want some hep?

[1392] Dip your mouth in that water.

[1393] I'm totally paraphrasing the neck of you here.

[1394] I apologize for butchering your joke I'm sure I did but I was just like this motherfucker's so funny that hard Boston style funny too just bam bam yeah a lot of good guys came out of that yeah I'm hoping that with the new media with you know the internets and podcasts and shit like that I'm hoping that there's going to be some people that get reintroduced to a whole new group of humans but there's a lot of people like that like you know like there's a lot of comics that for whatever reason they just just, you know, people lost touch with them.

[1395] They disconnected with them because they didn't get on, you know, Twitter and they haven't done anything on Comedy Central in a long time.

[1396] And people just sort of forget.

[1397] Still good.

[1398] Still go to video stories.

[1399] Some guys just fall between the cracks somehow.

[1400] Some dudes get tired of it too.

[1401] You know, some dudes just get tired of performing, get tired of writing, and then they fade off.

[1402] That's a possibility, too.

[1403] Yeah.

[1404] And a lot goes, I mean, you know, if you get a reputation as being a fucking pain in the ass or Cokehead or something, like, yeah, then nobody's going to, You know, they're like, eh, it's easier to give this guy a show who doesn't drink and shows up on time.

[1405] Who cares if he humps a stool for a fucking hour?

[1406] I'm not talking about anybody in particular.

[1407] I'm just saying that, like...

[1408] I know what you mean.

[1409] There's some really...

[1410] I mean, like, Rouse.

[1411] Sean Rouse, one of the funniest dudes on the planet.

[1412] Like, what are you going to do with him, though?

[1413] You know, like, nobody wants to babysit him on the road.

[1414] Right.

[1415] Yeah, he's trying to...

[1416] He's totally cleaned his shit up, though.

[1417] I mean, I'm sorry.

[1418] Yeah, that sounds awful.

[1419] He's just got, you know, so many hells.

[1420] health problems too.

[1421] That's the real problem.

[1422] But he would get pretty like, you know, a lot of clubs that he would work at that I'd be afterwards.

[1423] You're like, oh, did you hear about what Ross did?

[1424] He was here and it's he could be a handful when he's drinking, I guess.

[1425] There's always a dude.

[1426] There's always a Pablo Francisco story.

[1427] There's always somebody went crazy.

[1428] I don't know him at all.

[1429] Pablo's the best.

[1430] I will say nothing.

[1431] Everybody has an insane story about him.

[1432] Like, everybody, anybody who's met him for two seconds.

[1433] He's such a fucking.

[1434] He's got such a good energy that guy.

[1435] He's always got this friendly, happy energy, you know?

[1436] I like it.

[1437] Remember the other day when we were at the improv?

[1438] Were you there?

[1439] Where he, I was talking to him before a show or something.

[1440] He was outside.

[1441] He's like, so you do a lot of videos.

[1442] Oh, yeah.

[1443] I told you.

[1444] He will not have a real conversation with you.

[1445] Remember?

[1446] I said, have a conversation with Pablo and you won't, we won't even know if you're really talking to him.

[1447] Right, yeah.

[1448] It was like talking to Robocop.

[1449] Here we are.

[1450] Fun of the Improv.

[1451] Tuesday Night.

[1452] That's the way you talk?

[1453] Well, he'll just sometimes go into character.

[1454] and just start fucking around.

[1455] Oh, he's just being out.

[1456] It's great.

[1457] Just having fun.

[1458] It's really funny.

[1459] There's certainly, you know, it's so funny, man. Certain comics just have good energy.

[1460] You could just be around them.

[1461] There's other guys that even if they're funny, even if they're funny, just like, let me just keep the fuck away from you until you go on stage.

[1462] Then I'll watch in the back and then I'll get the fuck away from you when you get off stage.

[1463] I envy those guys with the positive, like, where everybody in the room is 20 % happier that, like, that dude showed up.

[1464] Because I could be moody.

[1465] And it's like, well, you know what I mean?

[1466] Like, it's like, oh, why aren't I always just.

[1467] just like, hey, let's have fun and laugh all the time.

[1468] But sometimes I'm like, eh, if you could do it all over again, you would.

[1469] If you were an old man on your deathbed and someone said to you, listen, I can make you 20 again, and you could be living the party all over.

[1470] You'd be a pro comedian, a stand -up comic, out there running around, telling jokes, having a good fucking time, making people laugh.

[1471] You could do it right now.

[1472] What do you think?

[1473] You would be ecstatic.

[1474] Yeah.

[1475] Or you'd be like, well, fuck, man, I'm ready to go meet God.

[1476] Yeah, yeah.

[1477] And turn to the next dimension.

[1478] You're going to make me live this stupid material.

[1479] your life over again get inside of Malcovich so you can see it two ways but I think if you did want to go back I mean you would really appreciate the fuck out of this yeah well I think about that all the time that there is going to be a last fucking day and like you know it's like well you're not really fucking going too nuts you know what we're in a weird time because right now life you know the expectancy is getting longer and longer because of supplements and exercise and taking care of your body and you know medical treatments and making sure that people are you know, you get checkups on a regular basis so they catch anything that's fucked up.

[1480] Yeah.

[1481] You know, and when people start to live longer and longer and longer at that, and then they start inventing new things when they start getting into, like, gene technology and getting into, you know, myostatin inhibitors for your body and, you know, different forms of, you know, nanobots that eradicate cancer.

[1482] And there's going to be some crazy shit in our lifetimes that could easily extend, you know, the average lifespan to, like, you know, maybe even, like, 150 years.

[1483] The average wealthy guy or...

[1484] Could you imagine trying to talk to some 20 -year -old bitch when you're 150.

[1485] Imagine if you're 150 and you still look like you were 30.

[1486] Like you're 150 years old, but for whatever reason, like they keep your body like Stallone style, fully prepared.

[1487] And then you're like 150 and you're trying to talk to some chick.

[1488] She's like 20.

[1489] I've noticed lately that 130 when you were born.

[1490] Could you imagine that conversation?

[1491] She had a 150 -year -old dude, you know?

[1492] You know the best one.

[1493] I mean, I can't even hang out with 24 -year -old chicks.

[1494] The worst is when friends have girlfriends.

[1495] friends and like I have some friends that are like in their late 30s and they'll have a girlfriend that's in their young 20s and then all of a sudden you're all hanging out together and you know and like the conversation takes these left turns into walls and just spins out it's like why are you letting her hold the steering wheel man this is right you know we're having a great conversation and all of a sudden went bang we're into the rocks yeah just because you're fucking plowing her like I don't come into the bedroom and try to fucking hang out you're I don't know I'm trying to think we're good enough but it's like the only reason she's here is because you like fucking you know bouncing around your fucking cock.

[1496] Well, it's, I understand, you know, giving it a try.

[1497] You know, let's see what happens.

[1498] But don't bring her to hang out when you're, like, going to be with people.

[1499] Some of them are cool as long as they're not obnoxious.

[1500] You know what's cool about dating a girl that's really young is like when you date like a 22 year old, they haven't seen a lot of the movies that you know are guaranteed awesome.

[1501] So if you want to have a good night, like, hey, this is, you know, has some wine, has some sticks.

[1502] And then we're going to watch, uh, you know, name movie here, you know, like just like E .T or something, you know, she would be like having a great night.

[1503] So it's so cool Quebec because I love that where she like I was robbing the cradle bitch and trying to come up with with reasons why that's good.

[1504] There was a girl who didn't know who Gene Hackman was recently whoa really and I was like yeah I mean I guess yeah she didn't know who Gene Hackman was but I guess it's understandable because it's like oh yeah you you were born in like 1990 my friend that I brought last night didn't know who Dan Aykroyd was last night and I was trying to show her pictures of Dan Akron and I'm like you've seen Ghostbusters right and she's like no what's Ghostbusters it's such a weird thing for guys If a guy's a single guy and he's looking for a chick, and if a guy's like in his late 30s, say, right, and you're looking for a chick, you can go one or two ways.

[1505] You can either go really young where you've got to kind of almost babysit them, where you've got to kind of like reteach him life and, you know, hang, I mean, how many times?

[1506] Well, wait for them to break up with you in five years.

[1507] Or, yeah, that could be it.

[1508] Or, you know, or you can go your age.

[1509] And when you go your age, what a fucking risk that is.

[1510] Yeah.

[1511] You know what's cool about the young girl, too, isn't it?

[1512] A single, 36 -year -old chick.

[1513] There's some bitterness involved.

[1514] in that package most of the time someone's angry at somebody and someone left somewhere and someone promised me something and there was some money that was supposed to come and we were going to buy a house together and he's still under his name and there's always yeah desperate they want to get their claws in someone because they know like this you know I'm shorty's right around the corner and they've been hurt before so they're defensive you know yeah I mean some of them pulled together and you know they take yoga classes and they get their shit together and they go to CrossFit and all of a sudden they're reading books and thinking healthy.

[1515] There's 36 year olds that are happy to be saying.

[1516] I'm not saying they're all gross or anything.

[1517] It's all of them.

[1518] I mean we're doing as, you know, I'm not saying if it's you out there and you fit this profile, don't get upset.

[1519] Well, I think that it is, it's, I really sympathize with women.

[1520] Like, they do have a lot of fucking a lot more problems than we do.

[1521] They can get pregnant.

[1522] It's unfortunate.

[1523] Well, yeah, they can get pregnant.

[1524] And you're stuck with some like some guy who just banged you one night.

[1525] Then you have a, and you're connected to him forever and then you need him financially because you can't I don't even want to talk about it because it makes me sad.

[1526] It is very sad.

[1527] It just bums me out that like, oh, fuck, that shit just happened.

[1528] It's ridiculous that it still works that way.

[1529] It should be so clear whether or not we have babies or not.

[1530] As my kids scream.

[1531] Quiet, please.

[1532] Anyway, it should be so clear.

[1533] It shouldn't be just some random load sneaks through and impregnates you.

[1534] It should be like so super duper clear.

[1535] Yeah.

[1536] It should be like, it should be difficult.

[1537] We should make it more difficult to have babies It's easy to put plan B in a person's breakfast though You're killing then Brian You've disrupted the cycle If you kill even if it's two cells Cook a breakfast Yeah it's life But to finish that thought though It's like I can understand girls Like getting desperate around like mid -30s Because it sucks And it sounds shitty to say But they're just they fall off the sexual radar And like dudes Fucking just don't for whatever reason like they just can keep you know they can leave their 55 year old wife for a 32 year old chick and as long as the man's successful and he represents a position of power where the woman feels attracted to him because he can provide yeah it's almost always that 55 year old broke dudes aren't worth shit but a 55 year old guy with a Ferrari can get some 20 year old pussy or even just a decent job you know like a guy who makes 150 grand a year or something you know or yeah yeah it's possible if he's a good guy you know find a solid chick that's in her 30s yeah it's usually doesn't work the other way or right but the the wife is kind of screwed you know it's harder man you know there was a video that was online that I was talking about and it's it was on Twitter and I put it up there and it's really horrendous to watch it's really hard to watch it's this guy getting conned by these Nigerian scammers he got conned out of $300 ,000 he's not a rich guy it was his pension everything he ever saved his entire life and he got conned into thinking that this porn star they put pictures of this porn star on you know send him all these emails and photos of her but this was her that he he was communicating with her and then she needed money and at one point in time he was giving her $1 ,600 a day was going to these Nigerian scammers he flew to London 14 times on 14 separate occasions to meet her but never got in contact with her like he would literally fly all the way to London and go what the where is she what the fuck what the fuck fly back to America 14 times he kept doing it he kept doing it he was so convinced that this girl was real like somehow or they they had him so convinced yeah And they had like the email logs, you know, they're the show and how they went back and forth.

[1538] And they just scam this motherfucker.

[1539] I mean, at what point is, I don't know.

[1540] Well, what I was saying on Twitter, I was like, this is just like a limping wildebeest getting eaten alive by hyenas.

[1541] Yeah.

[1542] This is what it is.

[1543] This is some weak -minded crazy person, you know, who's gotten old and gotten a bit soft, you know, a little senile.

[1544] I mean, it happens.

[1545] Old people lose their grip in reality.

[1546] This guy was like deep in his 60s it looked like.

[1547] And then all of a sudden, they just.

[1548] locked a hold of his brain and rekindled that spark of romance just the thought that maybe it could be real and that his 23 year old fucking super hot porn star really was in love with his old dope because he was sending her $1 ,600 a day I mean this guy was like...

[1549] It happens It happens.

[1550] You never know, man. I'd like to do that.

[1551] I don't take some $16 ,000 a day.

[1552] Well, I don't know.

[1553] You know what you've got to do.

[1554] You got to go to Thailand.

[1555] That's what you got to do.

[1556] That's what I understand.

[1557] Yeah.

[1558] If you want to find it.

[1559] I'm going to South Africa.

[1560] I find a girl.

[1561] appreciates a man a man of culture Go to Liberia Chicks are hot there That vice guy to Liberia Get one of those hookers One of the one dollar hookers Wouldn't they look like a dollar Yeah there's something crazy like that It's crazy Yeah that place is fucked up Liberia is the scariest place on earth Once force fields are invented Then I'll go there Yeah they need to put that thing Under that Stephen King Dome Yeah Dome that covers the whole city Just drop that motherfucker right down On top of that And keep everybody inside The Simpsons movie yes Let them poop on the beach.

[1562] Yeah, you need to lock everybody in there.

[1563] That's what the fuck is going on there.

[1564] It's a former slave colony.

[1565] You know, for people that don't know about Liberia, there's a, there's a documentary called the V. There's a show called a website called VBS .tv.

[1566] And VBS.

[1567] dot TV, they produce the vice guy to travel.

[1568] And it's insane.

[1569] If there's insane videos, man, there's so many of them.

[1570] The website's a little difficult to sift through.

[1571] It's kind of hard to navigate.

[1572] Netflix streaming.

[1573] Netflix streaming.

[1574] Watch the Liberia one.

[1575] It's fucking fantastic, man. you don't realize how insane life is over there.

[1576] On a daily basis, they're dealing with something that's out of the most insane apocalyptic movie of all time.

[1577] If you were living in the camps...

[1578] District 9.

[1579] Yeah, if you were living the way these people are living, you literally...

[1580] I mean, you might as well be living around wild dogs.

[1581] You might as well be...

[1582] What'd you do, do?

[1583] I don't know.

[1584] My microphone just went crazy.

[1585] Some of these people are, you know, there's wildness to them.

[1586] You know, there's some...

[1587] scary shit going down.

[1588] A lot of cannibalism.

[1589] A lot of mutilations.

[1590] You know, there's a lot of war going on.

[1591] There's this one dude that we'd call himself General Bucknaked.

[1592] Yeah, yeah.

[1593] That was crazy.

[1594] Yeah.

[1595] Fuck, man. And he's going to, that's, you watch that and you know as soon as the UN leaves, that guy's going to take off that preacher uniform and it's, he's going to be a warlord again.

[1596] Oh, yeah.

[1597] I think so.

[1598] I think so.

[1599] I mean, he was drinking innocent blood from babies before war.

[1600] He's not together.

[1601] I mean, he's just, yeah, they would sneak across to enemy lines and kill.

[1602] kill a kid, bring them back, kill him and eat parts of their heart.

[1603] Like, what the fuck, man?

[1604] Could you imagine that scene?

[1605] I can't.

[1606] Could you imagine if you saw that video online?

[1607] Would you click that link?

[1608] That is the ultimate question.

[1609] If there was a video of them killing any other child.

[1610] I don't, I fucking...

[1611] I learned my lesson very early on.

[1612] There must be a video of it out there, though.

[1613] I don't want to see it either, but there must be...

[1614] If these guys have really done it, it's amazing that this guy is just running around, you know, preaching.

[1615] Yeah.

[1616] You know, it's really kind of incredible.

[1617] Well, I mean, he knows he's like, he knows how to survive.

[1618] He's a fucking...

[1619] what's the word I'm looking for A sociopath?

[1620] Well he's a sociopath But like no more than any politician Like no more than Dick Cheney or you know It's just so unfortunate man And you gotta think This whole situation is so fucked It's gonna take like hundreds of years to clean up Because the life is so chaotic for these poor people And they grow up in this environment They're programmed like that And they're programmed to deal with war And there's you know 11 and 12 year old kids With guns and machine guns They really are like wild animals They're crazy You know, they're living, they're not, they weren't worried about death because everybody dies around them all the time.

[1621] Yeah.

[1622] It's a really, really spooky, spooky environment.

[1623] You know, I don't think people realize it's even going on.

[1624] Yeah.

[1625] I don't think most people in America.

[1626] Yeah, I didn't know.

[1627] I didn't know.

[1628] I didn't know.

[1629] We're so soft here.

[1630] Soft is puppy shit.

[1631] Yeah.

[1632] Puppy shit in a hot summer day, man. When the real shit hits the fan.

[1633] That's one of the reasons why I moved to Colorado for a while.

[1634] I was convinced.

[1635] I went through an apocalyptic period where I was convinced that L .A. was just going to fall apart.

[1636] Still is.

[1637] Well, yeah, I mean, there's a fucking...

[1638] It's like musical chairs, right?

[1639] Oh, yeah.

[1640] The music just hasn't stopped yet.

[1641] Look at fucking sunset the other day.

[1642] There was a bar fight that turned into a full -on riot and they closed down sunset.

[1643] Oh, yeah.

[1644] Tell me about that.

[1645] You were there.

[1646] Well, I was at the, down the street at the comedy store.

[1647] But things, there's a guy on Twitter called Wayho Daily or something like that.

[1648] He just pretty much sits there with the police scanner and just talks about shit.

[1649] WeHo.

[1650] West Hollywood.

[1651] Anyways, we were sitting at the comedy store and suddenly like hundreds of just cop cars going by.

[1652] super fast and just helicopters and everything were like what the fuck is going on so i started looking at twitter and instant information of twitter which is brilliant you know so uh yeah it's like it started us of a bar fight and then somebody started throwing things at like a sheriff uh like bottles and stuff and then it became like some kind of weird small riot where they just shut down all like this big group of bars and went with like you know canisters of tear gassed and it just turned into a huge riot and what was it what was the intersection um which bar It was by the rock sea, you know, like the rainbow and all that hard rock section.

[1653] It was all by, it was right by there.

[1654] And it's just like people have videos on the internet of like what was going on and just getting shot at.

[1655] And my friend Katie, he came back with a canister, one of the smoke guns that was shot in like his direction or something like.

[1656] So like where the rainbow is?

[1657] Yeah, they just, and it was crazy.

[1658] There's some weird videos of people filming on their iPhones and stuff.

[1659] Dude, why, you know, how come alcohol and men, alcohol and men mix so badly, but no one ever, I mean, no one ever tries seriously to shut alcohol down from bars.

[1660] No. But what a terrible combination, alcohol and men trying to get pussy.

[1661] It's like the worst combination ever.

[1662] It's amazing that fights don't happen every single night constantly when you're at a bar.

[1663] It's amazing that you can get through a lot of bars without ever fighting.

[1664] That's why you just need a bottle of Yeagermeister.

[1665] Yeah, I mean, I avoid any place where if there's any kind of meathead contingency, that's not a bar I can go to.

[1666] Because I got a fucking tricky.

[1667] Meatheads can be tricky.

[1668] A lot of them don't mean any harm, but they're used to this fucking way of behaving and dick slapping each other and pissing on each other's legs and doing stupid shit.

[1669] You know, they think it's funny.

[1670] Well, people pick me out too.

[1671] Like, I have a punchable face or something.

[1672] Like, I mean, I've gotten, you know, since the beard, I haven't had any.

[1673] They can get away with it.

[1674] That's all it is.

[1675] A lot of it, you know, when it comes to those situations, it's just you unfortunately ran into an asshole that's looking to pick on somebody and get out his aggression.

[1676] And there's, yeah, I can, I, you know, give off whatever vibes of like, this guy's super non -confrontational or something.

[1677] Like, you know, so I don't even want to be in a position because like, yeah, like, and the guys are like you.

[1678] Like, I mean, you're in good, you're big dude.

[1679] Like, it wouldn't, we're both grown men.

[1680] Like, it wouldn't be like, Like, I feel like if a guy like you beat the shit out of me, it should be viewed as like the guy was kicking a puppy down the fucking stairs.

[1681] Like, it's not a fair, like, I'm not a full man like that.

[1682] Like, you know what I mean?

[1683] I don't have fucking forearms.

[1684] Like, I'm not a man. You know what I mean?

[1685] Well, it would be like, it would be.

[1686] Well, I can't fight.

[1687] Like, you know, I'm not, yeah, I can probably do 10 pushups or something.

[1688] Wow, that's more than me. Any guy that chooses to look for a guy to beat up like that is a piece of shit.

[1689] He's missing the whole point of doing martial.

[1690] arts in the first place.

[1691] The whole point of exercising is to be free of all the unnecessary instincts of the body.

[1692] You know, the pent -up rage that makes you want to yell in your car and, you know, it gives people road rage and, you know, it makes people, you know, saying, saying shit on the internet.

[1693] I mean, all that's just pent -up shit.

[1694] Yeah.

[1695] The idea of martial arts and exercise is supposed to be that you get all that stuff out so you can be a much more relaxed person.

[1696] Well, the guy doesn't have to know karate to beat me up.

[1697] I mean, any kind of dude with...

[1698] Big douchebag.

[1699] I mean, I've been a bit of fights growing up.

[1700] So it's the worst thing.

[1701] things ever man there's no need we can disagree on things i'll go over here you go over there thank you sorry bye i don't need to win this i like i just don't even get worked up about shit like i'm so easy like it's like all right you're right i'm wrong i'm a faggot like what do you i don't i'm not necessary man i'm not being a duce to you don't be induced to me let's just skate through i mean i can get mouthy though like you know some some dudes can man i've been with with friends that got drunk and then they say stupid shit to people like hey hey hey hey hey hey you're starting something and then I'm a part of now, and this might be the wings of the butterfly that you fucking start the hurricane.

[1702] Yeah.

[1703] Settle the fuck down, alcohol.

[1704] Well, I don't, yeah, I don't do that very...

[1705] But it's like, yeah, if somebody is fucking with me, I can.

[1706] I know how to push buttons too, so...

[1707] Yeah, that's because they can't push buttons back, then they get frustrated.

[1708] Oh, well, that's...

[1709] Yeah, because they can't match wits with you.

[1710] Fucking faggot!

[1711] They say something stupid to you.

[1712] You have the perfect comeback with the perfect timing.

[1713] You're professional comedian.

[1714] It's not fair at all.

[1715] And then they just want to, you don't fucking kick your ass.

[1716] It's funny now, funny, man. Yeah, yeah.

[1717] It's like, oh, God.

[1718] What have you become?

[1719] What have you become and what have you done?

[1720] So we're going to have to get you into some neurolinguistic programming to try to refocus your brain and get rid of this Catholic school guilt bullshit, man. Yeah, well, yeah.

[1721] We've got to put it together.

[1722] Have you ever looked into something like that?

[1723] I don't really.

[1724] John Heffron's a big fan of that in neurolinguistic programming.

[1725] John Hefron's in, he's like into all sorts of freaky, like, enhanced your mind type shit.

[1726] he has like anchors he comes up with these things like he'll hold his hand in a certain way and when he's killing on stage he'll hold his hand a certain way and like remember that moment so he then when he goes on stage again he holds his hand in the second way and he puts himself right back into the place where he was absolutely destroying on stage like he has like an anchor to that experience so he can put himself in the same state you know you get a state when you're killing when you're on stage and you just boom you just hit the grief you know that feeling we're just the pauses are perfect you're super relaxed and you're just in the material you know and he he tries to anchor that state in his mind in his consciousness and his memory and he does like something with his hands and then uh once he has it you know has it down then in his next show like right when he's about to go up he'll do that same thing with his hand and literally recreate the state or you know that's the theory or yeah but i think that well yeah i don't know it sounds i mean whatever works or whoever but i mean every situation is different though like whatever you were doing to make that night the perfect night of comedy this is a whole different set of people totally it's a different night different shit happened today absolutely this definitely that that's definitely true but um i also think that when i achieve i what's attractive to me about it and i haven't tried it yet but is that you know it's like it's sometimes it's real difficult to figure out where to put your brain when you're about to go on stage like when you're about to go on stage.

[1727] First of all, I go over my material.

[1728] I want to make sure I get this new thing I got to do.

[1729] I got to get this out of the way.

[1730] I got to do this.

[1731] I should try that.

[1732] Should I move this in here?

[1733] What should I do?

[1734] But then it's like, you know, how, what do I do?

[1735] Am I happy here?

[1736] I'm excited?

[1737] Do I just wait until I get on stage until I figure out what the fuck I am?

[1738] You know, what do I do?

[1739] Well, at least what he's doing is trying to anchor himself to some really positive state of mind and then go out.

[1740] And then the ball falls where it may and, you know, he might have to deal with hecklers or it might be a different kind of show.

[1741] But at least his state of mind is the optimum state of mind.

[1742] So instead of like recreating the exact perfect state, it's more like, you know, he just figures out the right way to be himself when he gets up there, if that makes sense.

[1743] Yeah, it's, yeah, it's tough.

[1744] I am, like I said, I am kind of moody and it's just a bummer when I have to do a show and it's like, I fucking, like, this is the last thing.

[1745] I feel capable of doing, not that I never, like, I never piss and moan about having to do a fucking show but sometimes it's like yeah I'm just not yeah I'm not that I'm not the fucking life of the party guy tonight you know when you go on stage and you get a few laughs doesn't it start to start a kick back in sometimes I mean it's always fun and it's you know but no sometimes the whole time on stage I'm just kind of like yeah I'm just not this is you know I mean we're humans like it's like yeah it's just not that much fun tonight and I'm not feeling like you know I just Is it you or is it the crowd?

[1746] Or is it a combination?

[1747] It's definitely a combination.

[1748] It's a combination.

[1749] Like I can be in one of those like depressed, just fucking I don't want to do this Sunday night show.

[1750] And I get on stage and there's like that, you know, the crowd's like, no, we're good.

[1751] We're here to fucking, this is, we're not just going to be a bunch of fucking shit.

[1752] We're here.

[1753] We all want it to be here.

[1754] This isn't an office party or whatever.

[1755] And then you're like, oh, yeah.

[1756] Then it fucking, yeah, that changes everything.

[1757] Because it's a total give and take.

[1758] I mean, because like, if I'm in a great fucking mood and the crowd just like, we're not, we don't really give, we wandered in here somehow, you know, like.

[1759] Right, which can happen.

[1760] Yeah, it does happen.

[1761] So it's like, oh, well, this isn't a mutually beneficial thing then.

[1762] Do you, do you have crowds now where they're coming out specifically to see you and you know the difference?

[1763] Not really, not crowds.

[1764] There are people.

[1765] The groups in the crowd.

[1766] Yeah, a handful of people who know me from Doug.

[1767] I opened for Doug for a few years.

[1768] Spike Kids 2.

[1769] Spy Kids 2.

[1770] It just kind of being...

[1771] I mean, I haven't been doing it super long.

[1772] How long are we doing it?

[1773] About eight years.

[1774] Started in 02.

[1775] Yeah, that's one...

[1776] Isn't it crazy if you were like in school, you'd have a fucking PhD?

[1777] But with comedy, like, you're like, you need to put in some years, kid.

[1778] Yeah, no, I'm still figuring it out.

[1779] And yeah, I was like 29, 30, when I started and it's like fuck why didn't I get like I was just having too much fun goofing off was like I don't know I didn't I wish I started when I was like 22 or something yeah but you know what you did that's the most important thing is that you did forget about all that other bullshit oh yeah I was goofing off the whole time but I wasn't I think the good thing is you don't have this body of work from the past that like sucks back when you're stupid like on YouTube pages and yeah man I got some comedy out there there's some video of me from when I was 25 at Rascals Comedy Club in New Jersey.

[1780] It's terrible.

[1781] I have a luscious head of hair, though.

[1782] I'm so jealous of my hair.

[1783] Before my hair started really falling out.

[1784] It was just starting to fall out back then.

[1785] And there was, like, the material was silly.

[1786] I was all skinny.

[1787] I didn't lift weights back then or anything.

[1788] And I was like, look, and I was like, God, this is this is awful comedy.

[1789] And it's attached to me forever, you know?

[1790] Yeah.

[1791] I guess, like, I mean, the stuff I, even though I was 29 or 30 when I started, I mean, yeah, there's some pretty, there's not great shit I was doing.

[1792] It was a lot of shit, actually.

[1793] A lot of diarrhea of jokes.

[1794] Better than me when I was 21.

[1795] But yeah, no, there's nothing that's like completely appalling.

[1796] I've got a, when I was 21, man, there's a couple times that I recorded myself.

[1797] And I record the second time I was ever on stage.

[1798] I have it back there somewhere on a cassette.

[1799] Wow.

[1800] And it's, oh, in a cassette, on it's just audio.

[1801] It's tremendously bad.

[1802] It's so horrible.

[1803] You got to bust that out.

[1804] Painful to listen to.

[1805] My accent makes me want to kick myself in the balls.

[1806] It's just, it's so awful.

[1807] Is it just a thick Boston accent?

[1808] A little bit.

[1809] Yeah, Boston accent.

[1810] Just, I didn't have anything to say.

[1811] What the fact do you have to say when you're 21?

[1812] You're just like, look at me. And then people like, why do you want me to look at you?

[1813] And then you go, okay, hold on.

[1814] I have to figure that out.

[1815] I'll bring it back.

[1816] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1817] You get way ahead of yourself.

[1818] You go and look at me first before you have anything to say.

[1819] You know, when you're 21, I mean, if you're, you're, you know, 36 years old?

[1820] 37.

[1821] You go to a comedy club, but some 21 -year -old goes on stage, you know?

[1822] And you're like, I mean, come on, really?

[1823] How much have you got to say?

[1824] Well, usually it's, I mean, and I tried not to prejudge people, although I can tell on -site whether or not somebody's fucking funny or not.

[1825] You can just tell, like, every now and then you're surprised you're like, oh, I thought that guy was really going to suck just judging by the way he looks.

[1826] And you can tell, like, but no, I try to keep an open mind.

[1827] And yeah, a lot of times it's like, heard that, but like it's just people just don't, like a lot of these younger guys just don't have a knowledge of like, it's like, you're not the first guy to ever fucking.

[1828] split the atom on this like you know you don't think uh i can't think of a good example you sort of have to have a knowledge of stand -up you sort of have to have like a body of stand -up that you've listened to before you just jump into it yeah get familiar with some stuff even like you know i mean i listen to a ton of i have a bunch of old comedy albums that i like listen them on vinyl and i had them since i was a kid i mean i collect them still you know i buy them it's a cheap hobby to have you can get comedy lps for like three bucks a piece yeah But even just like, yeah, I can't think of it.

[1829] Well, yeah, you should know like older shit because it's like you're not the first guy.

[1830] A lot of this stuff that you think is brilliant.

[1831] It's like, well, fucking Sam Kinnison had a whole thing about it.

[1832] Yeah.

[1833] Or there's five guys working the road right now doing a thing about the Starbucks coffee cup sizes being called different names than small, medium and large.

[1834] Yeah, come on, man. Yeah.

[1835] But it's all, I guess you just figure it out.

[1836] Well, I can understand someone just doing their own version of it until they sort of get their feet out from under them or get their feet under them.

[1837] You know, when they're just, you know, when you're doing open mic nights and shit, I get all that.

[1838] But once you actually start doing gigs, you actually start, you know, going places, then you should probably know what other people are doing, you know.

[1839] Yeah, I, yeah, I mean, sometimes...

[1840] You can't be doing a Lenny Bruce joke and not knowing it.

[1841] Oh, no. Because there was a dude that I used to know back in Boston He's a great writer.

[1842] He's a really funny guy.

[1843] He didn't steal it.

[1844] He wrote it on his own.

[1845] But it was a Lenny Bruce line.

[1846] I'm like, man, you should got to know about that one.

[1847] It was about gay people and gay being illegal.

[1848] Dig this, man. Being gay is illegal.

[1849] So what do they do?

[1850] They take you and they put you in prison with a bunch of men who want to have sex with you.

[1851] Yeah, yeah.

[1852] And that was Lenny Bruce, like in, you know, whatever, it was in 1950s or something like this dude.

[1853] Dude reinvented it in 1990, you know.

[1854] You didn't know.

[1855] You just did.

[1856] Well, that's going to happen.

[1857] and I mean people are going to tell you although sometimes like there have been a couple there's one thing in particular that I was kind of confused as to why nobody told me I was doing a bit like I had again when I started it was a lot of fucking diarrhea jokes and stuff and I had a I had a joke about TGI Friday like just it was basically a diarrhea chunk but it started with TGI Friday because I got wicked like bad diarrhea from TGI Fridays one time and yeah I just that was like the got me into my diarrhea thing and then I was in Philly working at the club there and I didn't have enough time to eat either there's a right aid across the street I bought Hot Pockets from the right aid and heat him up into microwave ate them and like the worst fucking diarrhea again so I just changed it in my bit like it's like well I'll update my diarrhea chunk to the last thing it gave me diarrhea which is Hot Pockets and uh but Jim Gaffigan has like this huge hot pockets chunk oh and And I didn't, I saw it on TV one day.

[1858] Like I saw his, you know, I turned on TV Comedy Central's on.

[1859] I was like, oh, I'll watch some of this guy.

[1860] And he goes into this like 15 minute hot pockets chunk.

[1861] And I'm like, how did nobody ever tell me that this guy, like, I mean, it's not like we're doing this.

[1862] But he talks about how they give you diarrhea.

[1863] And I don't know.

[1864] It's just weird.

[1865] Like, I think your paths don't cross.

[1866] Your fans and his fans and your people and his people.

[1867] It seems like that's a pretty fan.

[1868] famous kind of bit of his though even though I don't know the bit though but I know he does a bit this is how famous it is I don't know the bit but I know he has a bit on hot on this so it's that famous it's like his signature like put him on them you know put him up into that he's an interesting case you know he's an interesting guy you know it's like super squeaky clean yeah nice and you know but super successful it's a character thing too which I've been talking to other comedian friends who are like kind of, you know, on my peers, you know, where, you know, I still feel like I'm struggling with like really fucking dialing in, like, finding my voice, getting into that like zone of like, you know, like Doug or, like just really knowing who you are and what, like I don't feel like I have any strong opinions on anything sometimes.

[1869] And I'm like, well, really?

[1870] Yeah, I'm kind of like a, you know, don't, yeah, it's like, I don't want to ruffle any feathers, you know, It's like, well, then that's going to be, oh, you're going to be a great comedian someday.

[1871] Yeah, just get on stage.

[1872] What are you guys there?

[1873] I just want to make sure everybody's cool with everything I say because I don't want to throw this out there.

[1874] That's kind of funny.

[1875] But I think that the character, like Gaffigan has that.

[1876] And even I was watching some of, I saw part of Louis C .K .'s hilarious thing they showed it on Comedy Central the other night.

[1877] And I fell asleep halfway through, not because it was boring.

[1878] I was just exhausted.

[1879] Whoa, don't even say that, man. She didn't even say that.

[1880] Oh, well, I. Let's say you fell asleep halfway through, bro.

[1881] Well, it's great.

[1882] No, totally.

[1883] I mean, it's...

[1884] At least you gave a chance.

[1885] Well, yeah, I didn't sleep the night before.

[1886] And just as soon as I laid on a couch.

[1887] I fell asleep in the middle of K -1 Dynamite, like a bitch.

[1888] Fell asleep in the middle of fucking cage fighting.

[1889] I'm watching cage fighting.

[1890] I was like, I didn't...

[1891] dudes are trying to kill each other with their bare hands and feet and knees.

[1892] You're like, you know?

[1893] I'm fucking asleep on the couch, like a bitch.

[1894] Well, yeah, that's not.

[1895] I mean, I think Louis C .K. is fantastic.

[1896] Louis C .K. is so good that I don't hear anybody ever say anything but.

[1897] Louis C .K. is hilarious.

[1898] There's not like one comic that I know that it's a dissenter that's like, not that good.

[1899] Everybody's like, God, it's so cool to be around, you know, a time where there's a guy like this who's doing a new hour of crazy new shit every year.

[1900] But I was kind of dissecting what I was seeing because, like, I've been talking to other people about how like, or what I've been noticing, it's like, oh, it's like this character, like Gaffigan has the guy who talks.

[1901] talks to himself like this.

[1902] And like even Louis C .K. A guy who's just kind of like writing great shit, but he even has little like, like, he has these little kind of things that are just part of his personality and the way he talks.

[1903] Right.

[1904] He's found his voice.

[1905] But it's like he could say a sentence without writing any joke.

[1906] It's just like the way it's like it's just all these elements are combined to like just make this perfect.

[1907] That's what makes a great comedian.

[1908] like you're like this definitive personality like people can do impressions of you right right and that's i guess where like i feel i don't feel like i'm yeah i like i can make people laugh i can go on stage and keep people entertain all night but it's like well what's what's my fucking gimmick like not you know that sounds weird but even like benson Doug benson was talking about that in some interview i saw with them where like it's like oh the pot thing just kind of naturally happened and before that he was he's just a funny well respected comedian but then once you have like some thing where that identifies you right uh which uh yeah i don't feel like you know you should have a phrase something like you can't do with it get the beard out yeah no i mean it's not it's not like a you need to get her done i think it's just the thing of like you know doing it fucking because like you were saying you'd have i could be a doctor if i went to fucking school for years.

[1909] But you would put so much more effort into being a doctor than you do into being a comedian.

[1910] Comedians for the most part, we're pretty fucking lazy about writing and about performing and about, you know, like really going over material and correcting in and trying to enhance it.

[1911] I record all my sets, but I only listen to half of them ever.

[1912] It's like fucking torture to listen to yourself.

[1913] But that's really the way to develop new material.

[1914] Whenever I have a new bit and I pause and I go over it and I listen to the recording and then I go over the way it's written, the way it's said, I always can make it better.

[1915] I can always enhance it.

[1916] For sure, it's always beneficial.

[1917] It is, I, I'm the worst with it, too.

[1918] Like, I have fucking drawers full of, like, pieces of paper and notebooks.

[1919] And it's like, I just write this shit down.

[1920] And then I throw the notebook in a drawer.

[1921] It's like, why don't you flip through this shit a little more often and watch yourself?

[1922] It's like, yeah, if you want it.

[1923] Jesus, Brian.

[1924] All right, Brian.

[1925] What is it doing?

[1926] What are you doing?

[1927] What is it doing?

[1928] That's what I did earlier, remember?

[1929] Put the headphones near those things.

[1930] That's crazy That was the loudest That's weird Because I've been sitting here The whole time But they're on your head But you took the headphones off What did you do?

[1931] Yeah, I just took my head off And you put them near the microphone And it's just like crazy No no no You were up there when it's Yeah It was still doing it back there Oh Well it started over there That's weird That's what I'm saying That's kind of weird That sucks I'm sure everything's plugged in right Turn mine now All good?

[1932] All right Anyway Where were you Oh just saying Like that it does your gimmick, your thing, your voice.

[1933] Not even your gimmick.

[1934] I know what you're saying.

[1935] Well, just kind of, yeah.

[1936] You don't feel like you're 100 % satisfied with the evolution of you as, like you're not representative of who you can be on stage.

[1937] Yeah.

[1938] You don't really know.

[1939] You're just kind of up there, going back and forth.

[1940] Yeah.

[1941] And it's, yeah, pretty weird.

[1942] That's very honest, man. It's a, you know, there's been many times in my life where my act is like changed or who I felt about myself on stage and, you know, how I performed has changed.

[1943] And most of it's depending on how.

[1944] how much focus I'm putting on it, you know.

[1945] And who you're hanging out with, what you're, you know, it's just, yeah, I mean, I think.

[1946] You could definitely lose a grip on it, you know, that's the thing about comedy, it's like, you can start off in a good way.

[1947] I mean, how many times you've ever seen a guy who starts out really good and, like, this kid's got potential?

[1948] And then somewhere along the line, they just skid out.

[1949] We get lazy.

[1950] They wrote, yeah, 20 good minutes.

[1951] Yeah, exactly.

[1952] And it's like, well, you're 42 now.

[1953] You really need to be doing that same joke.

[1954] That was funny.

[1955] Yeah, that's brutal.

[1956] That's the most painful part of it.

[1957] It's hard for guys to let go of shit that they know will work and try new things that no one's ever heard before.

[1958] Yeah.

[1959] Well, and even watching yourself, like I submitted for a half hour special on Comedy Central last year and I had, I recorded, you know, I recorded some sets, obviously, and I had to send them a DVD and watching, just from watching those DVDs, I realized like, I never fucking watch myself.

[1960] I improved fucking like five jokes just by sitting there and watch you go, oh wait this is a much better tag than what I've been saying for the last eight months after that fucking joke sometimes you forget tags you go and listen to you like Jesus that's the perfect line oh that's the best part of the fucking joke all the time too you're like how did I fucking forget that little aside that made that joke fucking good for me and that's the difference between you and I and comics and you know people that go for their PhDs they put in a lot more fucking effort in time but the thing about funny is funny has got to also be connected to fun like it's very difficult to have a fucking complete shit life and be funny on stage like you don't feel like funny there's got to be some fun involved and the reality is when you're in college or you're working for your PhD or you're involved in some crazy business where you have to work 16 hours a day there's not a whole lot of fun going on there's not a whole lot of humor in any of that you know and for a comic a certain amount of you almost has to be lazy like I've never met like a great comic that at least one point in time didn't struggle with extreme laziness and procrastination and self -indulgence and the need to just masturbate all day because you know, you're just too silly.

[1961] Yeah, because you can.

[1962] Yeah.

[1963] It feels good and you get obsessed with it and you're like, fuck it.

[1964] Yeah, we're all like, I mean, I know at least, yeah, I didn't like bedtime and like anything and now it's like, oh, now we're adults.

[1965] Like we are kind of a bunch of fucking overgrown kids who are like, I can go to bed when I don't the fuck I would.

[1966] Yeah.

[1967] I fall asleep in front of.

[1968] I'll jerk off five times today.

[1969] It's a shit, really.

[1970] Return all email with fucking...

[1971] I'll return those emails tomorrow.

[1972] What I always do is I get my writing done.

[1973] And then when I get my writing done, I'm satisfied.

[1974] I've got over 1 ,000 words.

[1975] I've got some real good shit there.

[1976] I like what I'm saying.

[1977] At 1 ,000 words or whatever.

[1978] Whatever I feel is enough, then I'll just start surfing the internet.

[1979] And I start watching documentaries.

[1980] So I'll be watching some fucking galactic void documentary about where they think.

[1981] Stellar Nurseries.

[1982] Why don't you do that in your bed there?

[1983] bed then.

[1984] That's the best.

[1985] I don't sleep alone.

[1986] I don't sleep alone.

[1987] The light going on and knowing people.

[1988] I think that's rude.

[1989] When I'm in my office, that's when I write my best shit.

[1990] You know, that's my area.

[1991] I mean, which is where we film this podcast.

[1992] Right.

[1993] You know, it's like this you know, this is my spot.

[1994] You know what I mean?

[1995] I got this spot nailed.

[1996] I know exactly what's going on.

[1997] I come my refrigerator right here with my coconut juice, my computer right here.

[1998] I'm not going anywhere.

[1999] So any ideas that I have if I'm watching a documentary, I want to be right here and comfortable that can come out as easy as possible.

[2000] You know what I love, man?

[2001] This fucking Evernote thing.

[2002] Have you ever seen that?

[2003] Do you know what that is?

[2004] No. It's an application for the iPhone.

[2005] I bet it's for your phone too.

[2006] You have a droid.

[2007] Is that a droid?

[2008] Yeah.

[2009] Yeah.

[2010] I'm sure they have it for droids.

[2011] It's amazing, man. You can take websites, any idea that you have that you see in a website.

[2012] Like, whoa, the scientist, just new discovery.

[2013] You know, inside every black hole is the possibility of a new universe.

[2014] You know, whoa, I got to remember that.

[2015] Well, with this EverQuest thing, all you have to do is like press, you can get it, you get the web page.

[2016] The web page loads up, like the text version of the web page, you know, even with photos and everything, loads up on your Evernote and you save it and you have that article.

[2017] Anything that you have an idea, you have an idea like you have to write, you write this down on your little phone, and you put it in Evernote, and when you put it in Evernote, it syncs up and it syncs up with your home computer, it syncs up with whatever else you got.

[2018] You got a laptop, wherever you want to keep the notes.

[2019] For a comic, it's fucking invaluable, man. Yeah, so like if you're writing a new book, bit and you don't have time to transfer to your phone.

[2020] It doesn't matter.

[2021] You just turn on your new phone at the comedy club and go, oh, there's the bit I was just writing.

[2022] I was working on a bit at Sal's the other night and right before I got up I said, oh shit, I forgot to get that, retrieve it from Evernote.

[2023] So I go to Evernote it, retrieve it, bam, copy and paste it, put it in my notes, went over the ideas, hit the beats of the jokes, boom, you go on stage.

[2024] And it's like you can keep all your notes, all of it online all the time.

[2025] And you can access it.

[2026] And if you get a new phone, like say if your fucking iPhone falls in the toilet and you're like, fuck well if you go to the apple store and you get a new phone well your new phone will sync up and boom all those notes will be right back where they were so fucking the shit dude for writing it's the shit the beautiful thing about it is that it's not just text it's text and pictures and anything else it's like you can save a whole webpage like you want to read a web page you could read the whole thing man it just saves it right to your phone saves it right to your laptop and you sync up with any number of devices that you want you got a laptop you got a home computer boom boom boom boom boom so for for comics like you find out like some crazy story online or there's some new subject you have to talk about, boom, it's so easy to save it.

[2027] Well, look it up right now.

[2028] I mean, I have to change the, uh, I have to change the nine -volt battery that my gotta ass fucking, hey, put your tongue on it.

[2029] Put your tongue on it.

[2030] See if it's still hot.

[2031] Remember that?

[2032] You used to do that with little batteries, nine volts, lick them, get that jolt.

[2033] That shit sucked.

[2034] What is that?

[2035] What are you doing yourself when you do that?

[2036] Is that giving you cancer?

[2037] Probably.

[2038] It's giving you, I think it's just a little electric charge.

[2039] That's it?

[2040] Yeah.

[2041] how the fuck tried that first there's a comedian in Austin who's got a joke about who who's the first guy to try a pineapple like the guy's a guy well I don't even remember how it goes but it's funny because it's like the most uninviting like let's eat this thing and he's like oh there's a the first guy that ate the pineapple was like a hero and there's a guy like right next to him with a pine cone like fuck so close that's funny yeah he's a funny dude Austin's a funny place man there's a lot of good comedy that comes out of Austin.

[2042] It's a great scene.

[2043] It's, yeah.

[2044] I mean, I stayed there for a...

[2045] It's an easy place to live, man. Especially when you start working the road, because I just, I started working the road from there just doing shit, shit Midwest stuff.

[2046] Just opening from random guys before Doug picked me up and I started going with him, it was like...

[2047] You got kind of a dark act.

[2048] You have great guys to tell you, hey, you know, don't do this bit or don't, you know, don't swear too much or don't get too creepy or...

[2049] No. No?

[2050] Currently?

[2051] No, no, like when you were middling for guys When you're going on the road You know, I don't remember Like there was no real Nothing sticks out with people going like If you fucking tell that We've had these conversations before About guys taking guys in the road with them And telling them like what bits to do What bit and what bits are you taking the guy on the road with you Yeah, it's kind of twisted But I did work with like random dudes That had sound cues and costume change closers You had to be on that?

[2052] You had to help them?

[2053] I'd be featured no no But I'd be the feature act where, like, no thought goes into comedy booking.

[2054] It's like, Sioux Falls, South Dakota, Brendan Walsh, and then, like, you know, there's a guy called the Midnight Swinger, who's a nice guy, but how's this a fucking show?

[2055] Like, the guy's all, like, he wears, like, a fucking vagusy -style thing.

[2056] He's got a big Johnny Bravo or whatever, that cartoon guy, the big hairdo.

[2057] Right.

[2058] And his act is like, you know, he does a bunch of sound cues and shit at the end.

[2059] I mean, it's standing ovations.

[2060] Everybody loves him, but it's like, well, why am I opening for him?

[2061] Like, if anybody in the crowd likes me, they're probably not going to like him.

[2062] And vice versa, if people are here to see the singing and dancing guy who's like, again, super good dude.

[2063] And, like, I never got a standing ovation in my life.

[2064] And he would get him six nights a week.

[2065] But, and those guys are freak out.

[2066] They go, why the fuck am I not on TV?

[2067] America loves me. These crowds love me. A lot of them, I don't know, guys like that.

[2068] who have like kind of those big you know kind of closer things and real clubby yeah they seem a lot of them seem to be happy with like doing like little rooms in Vegas here and there they'll go on a cruise ship and they'll really i mean i don't know that's i kind of get the idea that some of them are pretty happy with like oh you know i can make you know how else there's like it's it's not easy to make 80 or 100 grand a year right and if you can do that just by doing cruises and like, you know, kind of B rooms, headlining, B rooms, selling.

[2069] Like, a lot of them have, like, some kind of T -shirt or something they sell, and they'll fucking make more than they're getting paid from the club that week off their, like, who farted T -shirt that they sell.

[2070] Right.

[2071] I know a lot.

[2072] I have a lot of friends that, uh, when they go on the road, like, they, you know, they run into trouble where people don't want a middling for him, like Joey.

[2073] Nobody wants Joey Diaz middling for you, or Ari.

[2074] You know, there's a lot of dudes who don't want a guy like that to middle for him.

[2075] You know, like, you know, there's dudes that complain about him, like he goes up at the comedy store, because he's just, he's dirty and it's raunching, it's funny.

[2076] Yeah.

[2077] And people think for some reason that they get into, someone gets into this mindset and you can't pull him out of it.

[2078] So they'll say, I don't want him going on before me. Like, really?

[2079] Like, what the fuck?

[2080] Come on.

[2081] That's crazy.

[2082] I don't mind anybody going on before me. With the exception of like famous guy.

[2083] Like, you know, like I was at the Laugh Factory one time and was about to go up and like Carlos Mencia's here.

[2084] He wants to go up.

[2085] And this isn't like a, you know, weird Carlos Mencia's story.

[2086] He went out.

[2087] I mean, he did like, you know, 20 minutes.

[2088] It wasn't one of those things where he did three hours and I had to drive home.

[2089] Like he, you know, did like 15 or 20 minutes, but the crowd was pretty psyched to see him.

[2090] And, you know, he had a good set.

[2091] But then I had to go up.

[2092] And it was like, yeah, everybody's kind of still just getting over the fucking buzz from seeing that dude.

[2093] Like, nobody's listening.

[2094] Those are good for you, though, man. I did a lot of those sets at the comedy store.

[2095] And I think those sets really taught me a lot about grabbing the audience and about, you know, just going out there and getting into it.

[2096] do it and doing your shit.

[2097] Because there was a bunch of times where I'd go on after Martin Lawrence.

[2098] Oh, yeah.

[2099] And the crowd would be, you know, 90 % black too.

[2100] Yeah.

[2101] And Martin Lawrence would get off stage, do like, you know, he was headlining.

[2102] So you'd do like a long set and destroy.

[2103] Yeah.

[2104] And then bring me up.

[2105] Yeah.

[2106] And then nobody wanted to hear a fucking word I was saying.

[2107] Right.

[2108] I did it with Dice Clay.

[2109] I used to have to go on after Dice Clay a lot.

[2110] I did it with a bunch of times with Pryor when Richard Pryor was really sick.

[2111] Oh, wow.

[2112] I went on right after him for like five weeks.

[2113] That's a double whammy.

[2114] Dude in a wheelchair I've talked about this But it's a pretty crazy story He was so sick That they used to have to turn the mic up Oh shit Like it was so hot The mic was so hot Because he couldn't talk loud And he would just be sitting in his chair They would have to carry him onto the stage And he would be drinking And just get fucked up And just talk it on stage Did you understand a word He was saying?

[2115] Barely Man, I was no pussy There's no joke Yeah It's like his faculties Were diminished substantially And yet he was on on stage talking.

[2116] And people had this weird feeling, man. It was like, it was a feeling of sadness.

[2117] It was like a feeling of, you know, here we're paying tribute to a great legend of comedy.

[2118] But man, look at them now.

[2119] Like, it's hard to watch.

[2120] And so then they would bring me up.

[2121] And the piano guy, Jeff, would go, all right, ladies and gentlemen, we have another very funny comedian.

[2122] You might have seen him on news radio.

[2123] Get up for Joe Rogan.

[2124] You know what?

[2125] No, I don't even think I was on news radio at the time.

[2126] I think I'm lying.

[2127] I think I was on Hardball.

[2128] was a show that was on Fox.

[2129] It was a baseball show that was on Fox.

[2130] And nobody gave a fuck about that show.

[2131] It didn't matter who you were anyway, man. You were going on after Richard Pryor.

[2132] And they have to carry him.

[2133] They have to carry him through the audience.

[2134] This was the O .R. Yeah.

[2135] So they're walking him.

[2136] It's Chewy and some other dude are carrying him through the audience because it takes a long time to get him through.

[2137] It takes like five minutes.

[2138] Like no bullshit.

[2139] Like they have to be really slow because they're sort of half walking him, half carrying him.

[2140] So the audience is a standing ovation for Mr. Pryor.

[2141] And then you get on stage and you have to crack jokes while Richard Pryor is crawling.

[2142] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2143] Like literally creeping.

[2144] He can't even control his body.

[2145] How long did he do that for?

[2146] He did five weeks.

[2147] Wow.

[2148] He did a bunch of shows.

[2149] He did a bunch of shows.

[2150] Yeah, it was weird, man. It was weird to watch.

[2151] I only watched a couple of them.

[2152] I couldn't take it anymore.

[2153] It was just freaking me out, man. You know, because I would, when I was a little kid, I saw live on that sunset strip.

[2154] Like, that's one of the reasons why I wanted to do comedy.

[2155] That first video, my parents took me to see it in the movie theater.

[2156] and I remember sitting in that theater laughing so fucking hard thinking how incredible it was that this guy is just talking and he's so funny and I thought all the funny movies I'd seen like stripes and all these different movies that were great but they were never as funny as this like this was the ultimate I looked around like I looked in the theater I was watching people like falling out of their siege rocking back and forth laughing and I was just thinking this is the most incredible thing ever and then to go from that to I mean the whole room is just crackling with this hot microphone sound.

[2157] That sucks.

[2158] And his glass is clinking, you know, his ice in his glass.

[2159] I always love pussy.

[2160] Pussy.

[2161] Pussy never did no bad to me. Like it was like he had no jokes.

[2162] He had nothing to say.

[2163] And it's all just like polite laughter.

[2164] Yeah, it's ha ha ha ha ha.

[2165] Oh no. Ha ha.

[2166] He looks horrible.

[2167] That's so sad.

[2168] That's the worst thing because he was the greatest.

[2169] In my opinion, if I had to pick one guy who was like, you know, the shining, you know, example of what's possible.

[2170] Like so much better than anyone before him.

[2171] Yeah.

[2172] You know, so influential.

[2173] It's prior.

[2174] I mean, he's so much better than anybody before him.

[2175] You know, and hitting the high notes and doing that style of comedy.

[2176] It's like sort of friendly, raunchy, honest, insightful comedy.

[2177] So lovable, so vulnerable.

[2178] Like, everything about him was just, he was like, you know, at the time, he was like, for sure, the greatest stand -up comedian ever.

[2179] And so to go from that to watching him.

[2180] just like his body just physically betraying him you know it's like so hard to do and then have to do comedy and then you gotta follow that like it's such a double whammy it's so yeah so I'd make jokes about I would make jokes about it like okay Richard Pryor and then who is this unknown white douchebag you know who oh my what the fuck am I doing up here and I would say you know hey that's exactly what I'm thinking too so let's just get through this as they slowly take it out of room I still do like weird one -nighter things that uh this guy books these shows like that are all about an hour away and uh are they in bars yeah they're in bars uh bar shows are rough i have to do one tonight um do you have to do one when tonight i'm really where are you going to be at uh newport beach or something like that do you want to tell people so they can go oh sure hold what's the name of the place um it's called a p don'ts he don't we did uh we all did sals calmly hole the other night i love that place has that a cool cool little spot you know yeah it's got a great vibe i did but what i was i was doing this show like the monday or tuesday wednesday before christmas this year so it's like it's like it's a few days before christmas that guy's like hey want 50 bucks you know and i'm like yeah and uh we got there it was just a whole christmas the bar was just full of people that were there for a Christmas party and there were like eight people up front who came for the comedy show but it was just a cacophony and I hate this is one of my biggest pet peeves like when comedians get these bar shows together and some guys are just there to get a drink you can't force comedy down people's throats and when a guy's like hey fucko hey there's a show going on over here it's like well yeah don't get on the guy's kid he's just having a beer man like I agree yeah uh so yeah it's like well it's all these people are here for a Christmas party they don't care what the fuck I'm saying these other eight people are kind of having a you know getting a kick out of it but I like very early on and I'm doing I'm taping a TV thing this week so I was like well it'll be a chance to try and run through that material which like no way like I was like I was like I was up there I was like it doesn't matter what the fuck I say does it like nobody's even going to acknowledge and I said like I ran a baby over on my way there and like it made me horny so I went back and jerked off on the baby and stole its wallet and found out where it lived and went and face fucked its mom and it just like just started saying all this random shit and like the people who were paying attention were getting a kick because like it did not not one eyebrow raised from the Christmas party and then for the last seven because the guy wanted me to do a certain amount of time and it's like it's one of those gigs where it's like well if I don't do the full fucking time he might not give me the 50 bucks right so I looked at my phone I was recording it and uh or maybe I was maybe I turned to quarter off at a certain point but uh i saw i had like seven minutes left and i just said i was like well i have seven minutes left i'm just going to make noises for the last seven minutes if anybody has any suggestions i mean i'll try to make whatever noise you tell me to make i did a car alarm like you know the full run of the car alarm took some weird suggestion did like a tiger Tiger doing something And I wound up going It's great In the middle of it But I did all the time But it was It's That's very liberating When I don't know I hadn't been in A experience like that In a really long time Where I was like Oh this is fucking like Death impossible It was one of the most It was pretty fun actually Because I was like Well once I realized It's like Okay I'm not gonna get to run Through this fucking set list That I'm trying to get together And it's like Really nobody's paying attention And then just to start just saying Whatever fucked up weird shit comes into your head I did this gig recently It was the worst hell gig I've done a long time And I did it like a year ago That Twitter thing Remember we did it?

[2181] Dove David Off Nick Thune Me and was there another person?

[2182] There was a host I forget the host's name I apologize But it was something for Twitter And they did it in a rock bar And the acoustics were the worst acoustics Ever every word you said Was echoed back And was totally incomprehensible No one had any idea what you were saying.

[2183] There was a very narrow area in the front of the stage where you could talk and that's it.

[2184] The people in the front of the stage, like directly in front of you six feet to the left, six feet to the right, they could hear you.

[2185] Yeah.

[2186] But everyone else on the sides had no idea what the fuck you were saying.

[2187] I was literally five feet from the stage while Dove was on stage and I couldn't understand a word he was saying.

[2188] How big was the venue for this?

[2189] It was weird.

[2190] It was like a nightclub.

[2191] It was like a dance floor sort of situation.

[2192] It wasn't set up for talking.

[2193] now.

[2194] And then on top of that, the whole time doves on stage, they're blowing smoke on him.

[2195] I'm not kidding.

[2196] Like, he's covered in smoke, because a band was on before him.

[2197] So the smoke is blowing down on him.

[2198] You can't hear a word he's fucking saying.

[2199] And there's at one point in time he turns and looks at me and Nick Thune on the side.

[2200] He's like, what the fuck is this?

[2201] This can't even be real.

[2202] Like, it was so spectacularly shittily set up that it just didn't even seem like it could be real.

[2203] And Thune went up into the same thing, and then I went up into the same thing.

[2204] It was just like we both, like, people on the side of us were just looking at us like anyone on the side of you they would just look at you they had no idea what the fuck you were saying Thune told me one of the craziest fucking stories a couple weeks ago I can't even do it justice Nick if you're listening call in no it was just like a nightmare stage story like it blew my fucking mind like it was in San Francisco and like basically the waitresses all wound up like the crowd hated him and then like the waitresses were like these roller derbyish type Betty Page chicks or whatever and they wound up like rushing him on stage and one like held him down while the other one tried to pull his pants down.

[2205] What?

[2206] It's it's honestly it's the most fucked up story I've They did this to Nick Thune?

[2207] Nick Thune.

[2208] Yeah.

[2209] Recently?

[2210] A few years ago I think it was.

[2211] We're at in San Francisco because we were talking we got on the topic I mean I don't mean I hope I'm not fucking being gossipy.

[2212] I don't know it's weird but it's not named the club but it was like no it wasn't a club but he was saying that you know yeah I don't want to say I don't know if it's weird or not but like somebody who books the clubs in San Francisco was at that show and he's like hands that was like the biggest nightmare he you know practically got boot off stage and then all these people tried to rape him on stage wow but like so I don't think he gets booked at like the punchline or like he doesn't get booked up there and he's like well she was at that show where that happened and I don't know I guess you know they're not a fan or that's weird I don't because I'm I could be wrong but I know it happened in San Francisco at some weird venue and it was the and I'm forgetting parts like he it was a pretty interesting story and I feel bad I was hanging out with Nick the other day went and like walk dogs and we're hanging out in the park with that Chelsea Peretti too and I don't know we were just all fucking goofing around.

[2213] I forget how it happened, but I wound up tweeting, congratulations to Nick Thune, newest cast member on Saturday Night Live, but just totally joking.

[2214] Right.

[2215] And we, like, we decide, I don't know, we were talking about starting a rumor or something.

[2216] Right.

[2217] And that fucking thing spiraled out of control so fast.

[2218] I feel bad.

[2219] I mean, I've taught me and Nick have talked because, like, he started getting emails and it's, this Twitter thing is fucking scared.

[2220] Like people were saying, fuck you, you're not.

[2221] No, no, no. They're saying congratulations.

[2222] We always knew you.

[2223] I mean, it's just the worst, like, and he's like...

[2224] And he's getting pulled, his pants pulled down by derby, bitches.

[2225] Well, that was, that was years ago.

[2226] But, yeah, I feel bad about that little hoax that...

[2227] Shafir, Ari Shafir went on this long tour, him and Tripoli and a couple other guys.

[2228] They went on this long tour, and after he came back, he said one thing for sure, I learned from this.

[2229] No more bars.

[2230] That's it.

[2231] No more bars.

[2232] He said it's not doing any good.

[2233] Don't perform at bars.

[2234] Yeah, no more.

[2235] Freddie Soto used to say that.

[2236] We used to always talk about it, that people would offer him gigs.

[2237] And he would go, no, thank you.

[2238] That's pretty, that's when me and Stanhope started working together was when we really started working together.

[2239] Only bars.

[2240] Yeah, that's, I mean, when he was booking shit just through MySpace.

[2241] When he was like, I'm not working any more clubs.

[2242] They would just put on MySpace.

[2243] If you have a place, tell me where it is.

[2244] We'll work out a door deal.

[2245] Right.

[2246] And yeah, we did, we did some fucking shitty place.

[2247] Like, you know, a place without stages.

[2248] I mean, they were all, it was a fun experience.

[2249] Did you do the outside place in Vegas?

[2250] The outside.

[2251] place.

[2252] Yeah, some dude was having shows in his backyard.

[2253] And I think Doug did it.

[2254] I don't know if Doug did it, but I know a couple of comics, like guys with names did it.

[2255] I think the guy emailed me or see.

[2256] That sounds familiar, but no, I came close to doing it, but it was like, you know what, I could do the palms.

[2257] Yeah, yeah.

[2258] Why am I doing your crazy backyard?

[2259] You might be nuts, man. Then I'm connected to you.

[2260] You fucking crackpot.

[2261] But it's a great idea, you know.

[2262] A kid just decides he's going to set up his own comedy club.

[2263] He's like, you know, I'll charge 20 bucks at the door.

[2264] Everybody's packed into my backyard.

[2265] I've got a stage and a PA and everyone's enthusiastic and we're all drinking beer at a coolers and shit.

[2266] Like, on paper, it sounds awesome.

[2267] Yeah.

[2268] But then you've got to go, man, who is this crazy asshole?

[2269] Yeah.

[2270] Bringing me into his backyard.

[2271] And that's kind of the stuff.

[2272] That's a big difference between Doug and I. Like, he kind of thrives on that shit where he's like, a crazy insane idea, I'm on board.

[2273] Well, I was hanging out at his house back when the homeless people living on his front porch.

[2274] And then the homeless woman wound up stab it stabbing the homeless man and like you know and Doug had all these films of her in one of them she had blood all over hands after she stabbed her boyfriend and she's sitting on on her knees so she's kneeling and she's looking at her hands and she goes I'm a cunt I'm a whore I'm a cunt I'm a whore I'm a cunt of mahoa I'm a cunt of my hoar she's saying all this craziness while she's got this guy's blood on her hands and they take him away and you know he has to go get stitched up and he survives but he's got you got fucking stabbed you know and she goes to jail and these are people living on Doug's front porch you just had them homeless people and he would videotape them I'd hang out with him I'd go over Doug's house to drink and be like me and Doug and some you know a couple friends and some fucking homeless people that's so funny it was so weird he's so I mean he invites the chaos but I mean god damn dude I understand what you're doing but fuck homeless stabbing festivals in your front porch that's yeah but that's a perfect example of like yeah the energy that he stuff that yeah because I'm like ah I don't yeah but I do try to you know sometimes I it does make me think twice before knee jerk going fuck that shit that sounds retarded yeah i'm like well wait a minute what if i do like i don't know let's fucking live a little and see what fucking happens you know i'll go do some weird backyard show where i'll get in a car with some guy or you know like after a show like all right i'll go to the fucking place you guys are you know like people want to hang out after the show usually it's like i'm just going to walk back some towns you know austin's the best for meeting people and hanging out after the show.

[2275] Remember Brian, we hung out with a dude who was born with no arms, the legs, and he drove.

[2276] Oh, that dude, I know him from the karaoke place.

[2277] Rob.

[2278] Yeah.

[2279] Yeah.

[2280] He's a very nice guy.

[2281] Yeah.

[2282] His friend.

[2283] And the lizard man. Yeah.

[2284] The crazy dude was his whole face tattooed and his tongue split down the middle.

[2285] He does like freak shows.

[2286] The enigma?

[2287] Yeah.

[2288] Puzzle pieces?

[2289] Yeah.

[2290] No, that's another one.

[2291] That's another guy.

[2292] Yeah.

[2293] Yeah.

[2294] There's a lot of them, man. Wow.

[2295] There's a lot of fucking crazy people that just go off with their face.

[2296] Just go nutty, put ball barbs in it and fucking horns and shit.

[2297] I mean, there's some photos online.

[2298] There's some photos online of people.

[2299] You ever seen the guy?

[2300] There's one really famous one.

[2301] He's got like, he looks like a cat.

[2302] He's got a cat face.

[2303] He's got his teeth sharpened.

[2304] Everything's different colors.

[2305] He's got giant ear plugs and all these different lip piercings and nose piercings.

[2306] There's a cat woman in Austin.

[2307] There's probably more than one.

[2308] But one from when I first moved there, she had like whiskers fucking metal whiskers that she could Screw into her face and like Tiger Stripes tattooed.

[2309] Oh my God.

[2310] Is there pictures of her online?

[2311] I'm sure.

[2312] She was like married to or dating that Enigma guy for a while.

[2313] The blue guy with all the puzzle pieces and the horns.

[2314] Used to do the Jim Rose.

[2315] Oh, Jim Rose.

[2316] I can't smell.

[2317] Shouldn't be too hard to find a picture of her.

[2318] Austin.

[2319] I wrote Tiger Woman, Austin.

[2320] Where are you performing tonight, Bry?

[2321] She's Tiger Woods.

[2322] Cat lady, maybe.

[2323] Tonight I'm doing a show at the improv lab Nice The improv lab is cool man Yeah it seems I wish you could drink in it though I always bring beer in with me what I want I mean I don't know if it can't you just get a beer from the other bar and bring it over No they told me I wasn't allowed to she have tiger stripes all over her body Oh there's this bitch there's the crazy bitch oh my god she's nuts Oh my god this crazy bitch What she did was she has these things and she's kind of cute And she had these At least from this Lozor Resolution photo She's got tiger stripes Like black stripes Like tribal looking things All over her body All over her legs All over her arms All over her face And you can see the whiskers Yeah He's got these metal whiskers Screwed into her fucking skull Whoa Would you fuck her?

[2324] Would you?

[2325] Did I?

[2326] Did I?

[2327] I mean I don't know I mean it's like If I met her and we were like hanging out and I thought she was fun and I mean you would be down for a fucking chick that has face tattoos I haven't but I mean I'm pretty open -minded I mean it's like I'm not super uh I don't know what the word is well no no I'm super picky but I'm not as like uh aesthetically like it's not like oh I just need a blonde with big tits like I can't I have to like like you know if there's right there are girls who like maybe weren't like super by you know general standards like oh she's super hot but like I was fucking there was so much fun to hang out with and yeah I don't know like yeah I'll have sex with girls if they're cool if they're cool and they're not like I mean yeah yeah if they have face tattoos that's like I don't know if that attraction's there I can't really control I hear what you're open minded how about this dude that's a cat man look at this oh my god that's cat man that guy.

[2328] Yeah.

[2329] That guy went deep.

[2330] I mean, this guy he has, if you haven't seen Cat Man, you got to look it up.

[2331] The guy's name is Dennis Avner, A -V -N -E -R, and he's got everything, man. He's got fangs.

[2332] He has cheek implants.

[2333] He has, like, it looks like he's wearing some crazy contact lenses.

[2334] He's, I don't know what he did with his teeth.

[2335] He's got some sort of dental things.

[2336] It's probably like a cap, you know, some crazy cap, but they're...

[2337] So he just makes a living off of looking like that.

[2338] I mean, that's what it's got to be.

[2339] What does he do?

[2340] working at a gas station?

[2341] It just could be some crazy person.

[2342] Right.

[2343] Trust Fund baby.

[2344] Hey, what's the name of that app again?

[2345] It's called, uh, which one we're talking about.

[2346] The one that syncs all your shit together.

[2347] Evernote.

[2348] Evernote.

[2349] Evernote.

[2350] Okay.

[2351] I wanted to say Engadget for some strange.

[2352] Engadget.

[2353] Everdust.

[2354] Uh, that.

[2355] Trust fun kid who just wants to look like a lion.

[2356] Could be.

[2357] Could be just so a dude who's broken.

[2358] Did I like that?

[2359] Have you been watching that celebrity rehab?

[2360] Is this one kid?

[2361] One of the kids is a billionaire son And he's not really celebrity But he's poor kid's fucked up On heroin and all kinds of shit And just he's just a physical wreck And just rebels And just chaos You know That could easily be a cat person The same shit I mean you just You start down that road Next thing you know You're screwing spikes In your fucking forehead Yeah Yeah I wish I was a trust one kid Do you?

[2362] I know one He's a weak Cunt of a man Just a shit shell and I don't say a cunt of a man like he's a bad guy he's actually a nice guy but just like he's just a weak has no has nothing he has no drive he has he's always got this idea of doing things nothing ever gets done every business venture I have that but I don't have a giant safety net he's got no character just there's you know I think human beings need a certain amount of tasks and accomplishing those tasks gives you confidence and that confidence gives you a better understanding of yourself and your capabilities and what you can accomplish in this life and people have never had to accomplish anything they've never had to pull their own weight they've never had to make something out of nothing they've never had to go out and achieve and get something done those people have no connection to life they're just adrift they're just loose and everything's come to them they don't understand you know and then they just they have no purpose no meaning it's a fucking it's a weird thing that we as as beings as human beings have to realize is that we have a certain amount of requirements we require physical physical touch.

[2363] We have to have it.

[2364] You'll be depressed if you don't have, not even just sex, but hugging and affection and being around loved ones.

[2365] That's all required.

[2366] It's required of your biology.

[2367] You need to be able to blow out stress.

[2368] You have to.

[2369] You have to have some sort of physical exercise.

[2370] If you have a physical body, your body is basically the same fucking hardware as people that live thousands and thousands of years ago and needed to run away from wolves and needed to fight off fucking, you know, angry tribes coming over the hill.

[2371] I mean, there's a lot of shit that was required of our bodies back then it's basically the same hardware you got to accept all those things like people have to in order to manage your life correctly you really have to look at all those things and say like these are all requirements this is this needs to be met you know like priests going crazy and one of fucking kids hey guess what your body has a sexual requirement you got to take care that if you can't even masturbate yeah you're gonna go nutty yeah you're gonna go nutty and stick it in anything warm you're fucking you're sick and that's what i was when i was talking about the nuns earlier when i you know called them dykes where i don't have anything against dykes but that's what it was they're repressed yeah they can't you know they can't even rub one out without feeling bad about it poor fucks so instead they just scream in your kids faces and the problem is once a religion gets started it's so fucking difficult to stop it's so easy to keep one going you know it's real easy to like for you know if if catholics if it wasn't catholic priest it wasn't like a certain percentage it wasn't like 10 percentage it was 100 % of all of them were raping kids 100 % of people would still argue for the Catholic Church.

[2372] I would say, but they do so much good work and they're so good with the homeless, and they married my sister.

[2373] Let's not pay attention to that part.

[2374] Let's just focus on...

[2375] Even if there was 100 % of them, people are so committed to it that they would still...

[2376] There's still people that'd be willing to go to church.

[2377] Oh, God, yeah.

[2378] I mean...

[2379] Yeah, even it was 100 % of all priests, proven.

[2380] They're all raped kids.

[2381] You know, right?

[2382] Don't you think?

[2383] Across the board.

[2384] It's so hard to stop one.

[2385] Getting one started.

[2386] Once they get started, you know, it's easy to, like, ridicule Scientology, like, oh my goodness, it was made by a science fiction author in the 1950s.

[2387] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

[2388] Dianetics.

[2389] Like, isn't that better information than these fucking monkeys that wrote this shit down on animal skins?

[2390] Come on, stupid.

[2391] Yeah, I'll start a fucking religion.

[2392] We need to start a religion.

[2393] It's very difficult to start a new one, though.

[2394] It's very hard.

[2395] You can, like, we were looking at the pilgrimage around the mosque, around Mecca.

[2396] You've seen when they, there's there's like this box like structure and they all walk around it and they all wear like traditional robes.

[2397] It's really crazy.

[2398] It's really strange to watch.

[2399] You know, there's thousands and thousands of people walking around.

[2400] What I was saying when I first saw it was like if this was new, if this was a new religion, wouldn't you be shit in your pants?

[2401] If all of a sudden there was some new religion where everybody wore robes and they had a super secret box that was in the middle of Saudi Arabia and they all walked around it, we would be freaking the fuck out.

[2402] It would be 24 -hour coverage on San Man, they're still circling the box.

[2403] No word yet as to what's going on inside the box.

[2404] What does the box represent, Mike?

[2405] Well, we're not exactly sure.

[2406] There's different accounts.

[2407] Some folks say that's where Muhammad is buried, and some say it's not.

[2408] It could be some sort of a sacred meteorite.

[2409] We would be terrified.

[2410] I heard from some...

[2411] Like Waco.

[2412] Yeah.

[2413] I mean, it's really like some new Super Waco sort of situation.

[2414] But because of the fact that it's been around a long time, we just sort of accept it.

[2415] You know, it's interesting, man. It's interesting.

[2416] We're cool with shit.

[2417] as long as it's always been like that, even if it's fucking ridiculous, if it's complete total nonsense.

[2418] As long as it already exists, we sort of just go with whatever we see around us.

[2419] Like those ladies in Africa that cut their lips and then stretch their lips out and put plates in, and the larger the plate is just now, finally, in like 2009, 2010, 2011, finally...

[2420] Hipsters are starting to do it.

[2421] Women are starting to not...

[2422] You bet they are, right?

[2423] Have you ever seen one?

[2424] A hipster with a plate lip?

[2425] The plate lip?

[2426] Lip plate?

[2427] No. The way they do it in Africa, it's a serious commitment.

[2428] You have to smash out your bottom teeth.

[2429] Yeah, and the women...

[2430] And those neck stretching ladies, too.

[2431] Next stretch in broads.

[2432] That's crazy, man, because you can't take that shit off.

[2433] No. Think about that, it's in Africa.

[2434] How hot is Africa?

[2435] Hot and sticky and sweaty and bugs are in those little metal bars and dirt and fucking stray loads because you're a girl.

[2436] For sure, some stray loads made the way out to that metal, right?

[2437] If you're some crazy African lady with a long neck, for sure, one dude is thinking, I am going to face fuck the shit out of this bitch.

[2438] Look at all that neck.

[2439] You know, she can just swallow my dick, no problem at all.

[2440] So there's all that, and you can't even take them off to wash them.

[2441] Because if you take them off, your head will fall right off and you'll die.

[2442] Break your spine or some shit.

[2443] Bro, people are nuts.

[2444] Speaking of Africa's stuff, I just noticed the trilogy of terror doll.

[2445] Yeah, I got that from Bobby Slayton.

[2446] Oh, yeah?

[2447] Bobby Slayton had one of the first internet radio shows long before the...

[2448] a Joe Rogan Experience podcast.

[2449] Back in the day, Bobby Slayton, there was some weird company that was trying, I mean, this is like the 90s.

[2450] They were trying to create an internet radio station.

[2451] It was because people had the radio at work and you could listen while you're at work or whatever.

[2452] And so they hired a bunch of comics and I forget what it was called, but Bobby Slaten had the best show on it.

[2453] And he had, you know, it was basically the Bobby Slaten show, but it was on, you know, on the internet.

[2454] It was way, way, way ahead of its time.

[2455] And bandwidth was like super expensive.

[2456] Yeah, dialing and shit.

[2457] Yeah.

[2458] They couldn't figure out a way to, you know, to monetize it, I think, you know.

[2459] I think I was using Dial -Up up until, like, 2000.

[2460] Really?

[2461] Again, with the whole, like, I'm not technologically, I don't give a shit, like...

[2462] 2000.

[2463] It's 2011.

[2464] 11, 11 years ago.

[2465] Yeah, I was probably using Dial -Up up in 2000.

[2466] Were you really?

[2467] Were you?

[2468] Columbus?

[2469] It seems like 2000.

[2470] No, 2000, I had definitely had not, I might have had ISDN, 2000.

[2471] No, no, I didn't.

[2472] I had a T1 line.

[2473] I had a T1 line.

[2474] Because I couldn't get ISDN up here.

[2475] I couldn't get, rather, I couldn't get cable.

[2476] And I couldn't get DSL.

[2477] So I got a T1 line until they got DSL up here.

[2478] So I had some ridiculous internet connection up here.

[2479] Like a business connection that used for like an office building.

[2480] I had to get it.

[2481] That was the only thing I could get.

[2482] It was high speed.

[2483] That was my game addiction days.

[2484] Dude, for sure, they're coming up with this new way.

[2485] of broadcasting wireless internet that goes through light spectrums.

[2486] Have you heard of this?

[2487] I've heard of it.

[2488] Whoa.

[2489] Just like how wireless internet goes through radio spectrum, this goes through a light spectrum.

[2490] Wrap your fucking head around that.

[2491] They're wireless internet through light.

[2492] Well, you already have, you know, you can do internet through power lines, you know, power line adapters and stuff like that.

[2493] So there's nothing really too crazy.

[2494] It's just like you have, you plug in one plug is your internet and then on the other side of the house you have the other side of the internet it just runs through your power lines Brendan Walsh has to take a league I have to piss it yeah I've been holding it for so long I can see it I can see the way you're moving fella I'm an expert in 245 just soon Should we just wrap this bitch up?

[2495] Yeah we should probably just wrap this bitch up Brennan Where is it where can people see you next man?

[2496] Tonight at the improv lab tomorrow What time is the improv lab?

[2497] I think the show starts at 830 830 and then tomorrow will be on the 8 o 'clock show at the improv of and if you're in New York I mean you go to my website Brendan Walsh .com B -R -E -N -D -O -N -W -A -L -S -H and I'm going to be taping a couple episodes of the John Oliver show What's that?

[2498] So you know the guy from the Daily show John Oliver, the English dude correspondent?

[2499] He has, he's a stand -up and he has his own stand -up it's like John Oliver and friends so he comes out to host this show and then there's like four comics I'm out and do like 10 minutes.

[2500] Is this a Comedy Central show?

[2501] Comedy Central, yeah.

[2502] And there's if you go to my website there's a link if it's this week this coming weekend uh the 14th 15th and 16th you can there's a link on my front page where you can go get free tickets if you want to go to the taping it's on the NYU campus and then I'll be in a go bananas in Cincinnati nice February 10th through 13th and uh Sun Valley Idaho I think I did go bananas in Cincinnati I'm pretty sure I did Cincinnati's a weird one didn't I I don't know I don't think it was go bananas I think you did the...

[2503] That's one of the clubs, Doug still works.

[2504] I think I did it.

[2505] I think I did it with Ari.

[2506] There was, because there was a show there once.

[2507] There was a UFC, and Cincinnati's a weird place where you have to land in Kentucky, and they call it the Cincinnati Airport.

[2508] Yeah.

[2509] But it's in Kentucky.

[2510] That's a trip.

[2511] And that's the Cincinnati Funny Bone is actually in Kentucky.

[2512] Yeah, that's the one that we went.

[2513] Really?

[2514] Yeah.

[2515] I went to Go Bananas, too, once.

[2516] Oh, right.

[2517] Yeah.

[2518] It's a long time ago.

[2519] That's a long time ago.

[2520] It was a good club for some reason.

[2521] It's a great club.

[2522] It's a really.

[2523] small club man yeah it's it's uh yeah I don't know what it holds too it's like a basement sort of a yeah it's got a cool I mean the name go bananas doesn't yeah I did it with justice I did it with Chris McGuire that's why I did it with Brian long ass time ago and then the next time I came I did the funny bone I think the fuck am I talking about February 10th through 13th I'll be at the funny bone and yeah the New York thing go to my website I have t -shirts oncom ladies gentlemen um shows coming up I got the improv in my Miami, not Miami, I ain't going there.

[2524] Sorry, the improv in West Palm Beach, Florida.

[2525] That's where I'm going.

[2526] West Palm Beach is 28th, 29th, and 30th.

[2527] And February 4th at the Mandalay Bay Theater in Vegas, you dirty, bitches.

[2528] That one is a, that's going to be a good one.

[2529] That's Ari Shafir and Joey Diaz.

[2530] If Joey Diaz doesn't pull a Joey Diaz, like he did the other night at Salz.

[2531] We were all at Sal's.

[2532] Brendan was at Salas as well.

[2533] And Joey was supposed to go up and do a set.

[2534] And he just fucking vanished.

[2535] Even tweeted.

[2536] I'll see you tonight, Cocksucker.

[2537] Listen, Cock Sucker, this thing's the biggest of both of us.

[2538] And he just decided not to go.

[2539] Shit happens.

[2540] Shit happens.

[2541] You get on a path.

[2542] I'm going to stick there.

[2543] I'm on a loyal soldier, cocksucker.

[2544] I got to do what I got to do.

[2545] He's Joe Diaz, man. He just, sometimes he pulls a Joe Diaz.

[2546] I don't know him super well, but I hear about him a lot from dying.

[2547] He's a fucking national treasure.

[2548] Funniest man ever walked the face of the planet.

[2549] No one's close.

[2550] No one made me laugh.

[2551] It's hard.

[2552] I'll show you a video once we get done with this.

[2553] Okay.

[2554] Ladies and gentlemen That's it Show's over Thank you to the flashlight Rather If you go to joe rogan .net And you click the link And you could get a flashlight For 15 % off You enter in the code The code is Rogan And it's a You get a discount A discount on your Masturbatory tool And I do support it It's a fucking excellent product It gives you massive Ball -Twitching orgasms If you can get past The fact that you're fucking A rubber vagina And you're gone man This is what you chose to do with your time.

[2555] If you get past that, it's fucking awesome.

[2556] When you're taking it out of it, when you're loading it in the dishwasher.

[2557] We will have another podcast on Thursday.

[2558] We're not exactly sure who's going to be there.

[2559] We've got a couple options.

[2560] We're going to figure that shit out.

[2561] So we'll have another one of these on Thursday.

[2562] And, of course, iTunes freaks, you don't care.

[2563] You'll get it when you get it.

[2564] You don't really get it at the same time.

[2565] Unless you go to Joe Rogan.

[2566] You can always download it right away, right after we do it.

[2567] Tuesday and Thursday, it's always available online.

[2568] I'm talking too much, and I'm tired of sound of my own fucking voice.

[2569] Oh, I can.

[2570] Goodbye.

[2571] Goodbye, everyone.

[2572] As always, we love you, bitches.

[2573] Later.