Kids Not Listening? Don't Mess With Me.

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[22] So Dan walks into the living room and says this to his two daughters.

[23] Hey, girls, we've got a new tradition in our home.

[24] One night a week, you're going to be.

[25] going to see a candle lit in the kitchen.

[26] And you know what that means?

[27] It means I'm having dinner alone that night with my wife.

[28] And you two are not invited.

[29] Now, I know some of you're going to be like, that sounds so mean.

[30] It's not mean at all.

[31] Here's what I'm letting my daughters know.

[32] That one night a week when they see the candle lit means I'm having dinner alone with my wife.

[33] You know why?

[34] Because I want to and because she's important and because we're the adult and we get to do things like that and our marriage is important and here's what i want the two girls to know i want them to see modeled that my wife is a priority to me you know what else i want them to know that i mean it and i'll tell them you you guys are going to eat early we're going to fix you your mac and cheese and chicken nuggets because that's all you eat anyway you can sit in the living room you can go downstairs and go to your room you can play quietly but if i hear a peep out of you you will rue the day that you interrupted this time with my wife.

[35] And you know the tone that I want to send is this.

[36] Don't mess with me. Now, sometimes at the live workshops, I'll say it like this.

[37] Don't F with me. Now, I don't use that word.

[38] So don't go home and say, this guy said we get to come home and tell our kids not with us.

[39] That's not what I said.

[40] It's the tone and it's the attitude that's incredibly important.

[41] And we've gotten way too sweet with our kids, where we're asking them for permission to be adults, where we're saying, sweetie, baby, mommy needs your help.

[42] Are you ready to go to the store?

[43] We have to go now, okay, and we're talking like this, and we're afraid of our kids sometimes.

[44] And we're being too sweet the other way.

[45] And you know what?

[46] They don't respect the tone.

[47] They don't respect us.

[48] Now listen, here's the opposite of this, because I don't want this.

[49] I don't want you coming in the home saying, You know what?

[50] You strong will, child, you're the reason that we're not happy in our marriage anymore, so we're going to have dinner alone and you guys just leave us alone, right?

[51] I'm not saying that.

[52] I'm not yelling at them.

[53] I'm not whining.

[54] But I'm also not complaining.

[55] I'm also, look, I'm also not explaining everything.

[56] I'm not giving the useless little lecture.

[57] Girls, it's really important for mommy and daddy to spend time together and connect because if we don't, then I'm not doing any of that.

[58] I'm just letting them know very clearly, this is what I mean.

[59] These are my intentions.

[60] This is what I'm going to do.

[61] And then if you don't do what I say, listen, I'm just going to follow through.

[62] See, I just got an email from a mom.

[63] Oh, by the way, this is Kirk Martin, founder, Celebrate Calm.

[64] You can find us at Celebrate Calm .com.

[65] I just thought I'd start with like a little story instead doing the whole intro and all that stuff.

[66] But you find us to celebrate Calm if you need to help with anything.

[67] Just email my son.

[68] He is the strong -willed one.

[69] His name is Casey.

[70] C -A -S -E -Y at celebratecom.

[71] It's cool because I get to see all these emails come through.

[72] Hey, I listen to your dad's podcast, and they're all emailing Casey, and it's really cool because we love helping people.

[73] And just so you know, we're, you know, it seems like me, we're like we're this big company.

[74] We're a family -run business, right?

[75] We're family -run, where if you need help with something, just ask for it.

[76] It's not like some store where you go on and there's like everything's fixed and you can't help ask for help.

[77] You can ask for help.

[78] If you need a customized package of products from us, ask Casey.

[79] I'll put it together.

[80] If you're struggling financially, look, some of our favorite emails, I'll see people write in and say, look, here's my budget.

[81] I've got X number of dollars to spend.

[82] What can you put together for me?

[83] And it's awesome because we get to customize it within your budget.

[84] So it's a really cool thing.

[85] Oh, a couple of other things very quickly.

[86] We have spoken many places throughout Europe.

[87] We will come wherever you want.

[88] You just have to email my son.

[89] But specifically, if you're from Romania or Ukraine, I'm currently reading a lot of history about your countries.

[90] It's fascinating.

[91] The architecture and the food look amazing.

[92] And I want to come there.

[93] So email us.

[94] We'll put together a live event.

[95] Wherever you are, we'll make it work, because I want to see your country and learn about your culture.

[96] And one more thing, teacher training.

[97] We have the best teacher training in the country.

[98] It's phenomenal.

[99] You know how I know that?

[100] Because teachers come up afterwards and say, we could have listened to you for another two hours.

[101] They never do that at professional development training because it's usually boring and filled with theory from people who've never set foot in a classroom, but ours is awesome.

[102] It will help your teachers, help your kids.

[103] We've set aside the week of March 18th to do teacher training, and it's for a very personal reason.

[104] Our place got damaged during Hurricane Florence way back in September, and they're finally, we're finally getting around to being able to fix it.

[105] So it's going to happen that week, and it's just easier if we're not home.

[106] So we'll do it cheaper the week of March 18th, but you've got to email my son at Casey at celebratecom and say, hey, come train our teachers.

[107] Back to our topic at hand.

[108] I just got an email from a mom.

[109] She's got like an eight -year -old daughter, and she's like, oh, she just doesn't listen.

[110] I'll say, get ready for bed.

[111] When I get back a few minutes later, she's watching TV.

[112] I have to repeat myself all the time, like putting dirty clothes in a hamper, and never works until we raise our voices and just yell.

[113] And it's exhausting.

[114] You know, I ask her to do something.

[115] She's like, but mom, right?

[116] And then every time we're strict, she complains that we're being mean and so this mom actually said that she heard her daughter telling her friend my mom never means it when she tells me to do something yeah you know why because you've got a you know what I can't say it I had this written down I said you know you gotta be the effing grown up and be the parent and I'm not look I know how hard this is and so I'm not getting on this mom about this but stop being afraid of your children and their reaction to you because you know what ends up happening the eight -year -old ends up running the ship, ends up running the home, and that doesn't make them feel safe.

[117] Now, on the surface for this eight -year -old, she's like, yep, I'm in control, mom doesn't really really mean it.

[118] Dad just blusters in, doesn't really follow through or do anything.

[119] And so it sounds like, hey, cool for them, but it's not.

[120] It makes them feel very unsafe.

[121] They're not equipped to be running the home and running the show at age eight or 10 or 12 or 14 or 16.

[122] that's what your job is and it makes them feel safe when they have a parent who is in control of themselves right so look the attitude it's tone of voice even matter -of -fact tone now i'll tell you that is why i want people to listen to our CDs i know that sounds self -serving because we sell them but they're i've known this after doing this for 20 years the greatest transformation we get in the home is when people listen to our CDs constantly keep them on in the car download them to your iPhone and just have them playing because you will learn to master this tone.

[123] This tone says, I'm in complete control of myself.

[124] I don't need you to be happy.

[125] I don't need you to have a good attitude.

[126] Right?

[127] I don't.

[128] I just want you to do what I asked you to do.

[129] And that's when things started to change with my own son, who was extremely strong -willed.

[130] I remember the talk.

[131] I remember where we were.

[132] We were going through the drive -thru with Taco Bell.

[133] This is where when we didn't eat healthy.

[134] And we were going through the drive -thru at Taco Bell.

[135] And it was a defining moment in our relationship, because Casey was giving me a hard time.

[136] And I remember looking over and saying, look, I don't need you to like me. I don't, I'm not responsible for your happiness.

[137] I'm not.

[138] You are.

[139] I'm responsibly happy myself to be thoughtful and kind and giving.

[140] I'm responsible to be in control of myself.

[141] But your happiness, I can't control that.

[142] And if you have a bad attitude, it's okay.

[143] You can have a bad attitude.

[144] I don't need you to have a bad attitude.

[145] a good attitude, all I want you to do is know this, when I tell you something, I mean it, right?

[146] I keep my promises.

[147] If I promise you that I'm going to do X, I'm just going to do it.

[148] I'm not going to lecture you 14 times.

[149] I'm not going to shame you.

[150] I'm not going to try to convince you because I can't always tell you what you're going to do, son, but I can always tell you what I'm going to do.

[151] And look, it's not personal at all.

[152] I just want you to know you can count on me. And when I tell you something, I really do mean it.

[153] Does that make sense?

[154] It's a really freeing thing.

[155] Look, if you've got a little child who's coming to me like, I'm bored, I'm bored.

[156] You don't have to explain how difficult your childhood was.

[157] You don't have to try to make them happy and say, well, honey, why don't you do this or why don't you do that?

[158] It's not your job.

[159] So you can just look at your child and said, oh, you're bored?

[160] I get it.

[161] I would be too.

[162] Fine with you being bored.

[163] Look, I apologize for leading you to believe that I'd be like your personal clown or entertainer.

[164] I apologize for leading you to believe that I buy you things and give in just to get you to be quiet or stop pestering me. Not happening anymore.

[165] You know why?

[166] Because I believe you're capable of overcoming this boredom yourself.

[167] Because here's what I know.

[168] When you get tired of being bored and miserable, which is your right to be, by the way, I know you're going to use that creative brain of yours to come up with some interesting project and then you're not going to be bored anymore because I've seen it before and I know you can do it and it's really cool and I can't wait for this and then you walk away walk away don't wait for their reaction don't wait for them to confirm an assent to your brilliance right of your idea just let them know you want to short version yeah you've got the right to be bored but I believe you're capable of overcoming it yourself and then walk away walk away stop waiting stop getting drawn into long discussions and arguments over stop waiting for their reactions stop asking for them to affirm you in the fact that you're the adult just act like it look you're walking away for this reason you've got stuff to do you know why because you're a busy person and you're never bored you don't have to say that because that's what we do i don't know how you can possibly be I'm never bored because I take on too much responsibility myself as the parent and I over -schedue you.

[169] Look, that's not their problem.

[170] That's your problem.

[171] The fact is you're not bored.

[172] You know why?

[173] Because you're a grown adult.

[174] You do have responsibilities.

[175] And it's about time you get on with your responsibilities instead of messing around all the time with your child, trying to explain everything and trying to make them happy and trying to make them see how brilliant you are.

[176] Just let them know what's going to happen and then move on with your day.

[177] Some of you are single moms and single moms come up.

[178] to me all the time like oh but it's so different it's look you've got extra responsibility because you've got to be both parents right and i get that and you're exhausted and tired but in some ways you have this advantage and i'll flip it around on you by the way single moms don't give into your kids all the time you give them way too much stuff and you buy them stuff because you're you feel guilty because of the divorce the divorce probably wasn't all of your fault right except in fact that you married the wrong kind of man just kidding just kidding but let go with the guilt.

[179] It's done.

[180] You're divorced.

[181] Move on.

[182] Right?

[183] Stop feeling guilty for it and stop buying them extra stuff because buying them extra stuff isn't what they want.

[184] They want experiences and they want to feel settled.

[185] And so single moms, here's kind of your advantage.

[186] Look, I got a lot of stuff to do.

[187] I got to be moving here.

[188] So I just expect you to pick up your stuff and I expect that to be done.

[189] I expect the dishes to be put off, put away.

[190] If you expect me to feed you and take you places, I expect you to pick up your stuff and I expect you to load the dishwasher.

[191] Boom, done.

[192] Then you move on.

[193] You've got stuff to do.

[194] I know it's not that easy, but in some ways, we make it too difficult on ourselves.

[195] And after a while, when your kids learn that you're not going to stand there and negotiate and talk and explain, and you know what else we do?

[196] We shame them all the time, because once we're frustrated, we're like, you know, when I was a kid, I did all these things, but you do nothing.

[197] Look, I don't like the snotty tone either.

[198] The snotty tone is just as bad as anything else.

[199] You know what?

[200] If I didn't have to tell you 14 times, don't do the snotty tone.

[201] Talk like you're an adult.

[202] Talk like you would at the office.

[203] Give them directions.

[204] Move on.

[205] Lead your kids.

[206] We're following our kids too much instead of leading our kids.

[207] You know what?

[208] One more thought too is this.

[209] You've got to be in control of yourself.

[210] Because watch the message we send.

[211] I need you to behave.

[212] I need you to do what I asked you to do.

[213] I need you.

[214] I need you.

[215] you to behave because if you don't behave, I'm not sure I'm going to behave.

[216] I need you to behave because if you can't control yourself, I'm not sure I can control myself.

[217] That was the message I was sending to my son all the time when he'd get emotional is I'm actually dependent on you because if you don't do exactly what I say and if you don't respond the right way, then I'm going to lose it.

[218] And that's a horrible place to be in life and that's not leading your kids.

[219] So I want you to learn how to lead your kids.

[220] It is why I want you to listen to the CDs because we'll teach you on there.

[221] We'll give you confidence to know what to say and how to say it.

[222] It's really good.

[223] It's really cool.

[224] And here's why.

[225] Good discipline should always lead to a closer, more trusting relationship with your child.

[226] We will teach you how to turn power struggles into bonding moments and ultimately what I want is for kids to learn to trust you.

[227] I want your kids to learn to trust you, whether they're two or four or eight or 12 or 18 or 25 so that when they have struggles, they can come to you.

[228] I want your kids coming to you because they know that you've got wisdom and that you're the grown up and you can help them.

[229] So a couple things I do.

[230] One, start learning how to control yourself on the 30 days to calm program we go through and we'll identify all of your triggers and show you a different way to handle it so you can control yourself I want you to have the discipline that works CDs why because we teach you how to get your kids to listen the first time and how to discipline in this even matter of fact tone so that your kids actually respect you and do what you tell them to do understanding your strong will child and stopping the power struggles I want your kids to actually listen to this CD because it's all about them and how their brains are wired.

[231] They're different kids and you're going to have to discipline in a different way.

[232] And they'll listen to you, but the way that they carry out instructions is going to look very different than your compliant kids do.

[233] But it's very important to understand that these kids are not always being defiant.

[234] They're just different and they're wired differently and they're cool kids.

[235] And final one, I want you listen to the straight talk for kids CD.

[236] I want your kids to listen to this.

[237] This is what my son Casey here, you're going to email or call.

[238] He recorded this for your kids to listen to.

[239] Why?

[240] Because kids don't listen to their parents all the time, but they will listen to this big tall kid who struggle as a child and finally learn how to control his own impulses and emotions.

[241] And I'll teach your kids how to do this.

[242] And here's the cool message my son sends to your kids.

[243] If you learn how to control yourselves, your parents won't have to.

[244] When your parents say, hey, get off video games and you just go, hold on, I need to save it, I need to get the next level.

[245] When you do that, you just ruin things with your parents, now they can't trust you.

[246] But the moment your kids, the moment you tell your parents, okay, mom, and you turn off your video games, here's what your mom starts to learn your dad.

[247] My child can control himself.

[248] So therefore, I'm going to actually give him additional time to do what he wants to do because I know I'm not going to have a big fight and my child can't control himself.

[249] But kids, if you can't control yourself, why would your parents even let you play video games in the first place?

[250] So we've put all four of these programs together in one little package we call the bag because if you get the physical CDs, they'll come in a G -C -Calm bag with a nice little magnet that says, you're a great mom.

[251] You can also get them as downloads too.

[252] So you download them right to multiple devices so your husband, your parents, your friends can listen.

[253] I don't care.

[254] I want everybody listening.

[255] So if you want this little package, it's on sale this week.

[256] So a couple ways to do it.

[257] Email my son Casey, C -A -S -E -Y, Celebrate Calm .com, or call them 8 -8 -8.

[258] 506 1871 find it on the website and ask them say hey I want the bag and it'll put it together if you want it customized with a couple different things in it let them know he'll help you out if you go on the website you'll see a products page I'm sorry it's called a products tab apparently I've never used the internet before so if you go to the products tab and you kind of scroll over it it'll have this thing called get the bag and you just order it right there by yourself online.

[259] But if we can help you, let us know.

[260] By the way, if you want us to come train people, email us.

[261] Remember, Ukrainian people, Romanians, countries look really cool.

[262] So emails.

[263] I know we have listeners there because you've emailed us before and we'll reach out to you as well.

[264] And teacher training that week of March 18th, but look, we can do it back to school time.

[265] We can do training any time in the year.

[266] We're getting ready to do a road trip coming into Ohio, Indiana, Louisville, Kentucky, and then in April, we're back all across the country again.

[267] But anyway, if we can help you out, we'd love to.

[268] But let's put these things into practice.

[269] I want you to be the grown -up.

[270] Be the parent, right?

[271] Be the parent.

[272] Use the even matter -of -fact tone.

[273] It is really cool when you get control of yourself, how much your kids will begin to listen to you.

[274] And by the way, if you email and call Casey, ask him about this because he will tell you when I started using this tone and when I became the grown -up, he started to turn.

[275] respect me, he started to know that I wasn't messing around.

[276] I didn't have to yell at him, shame him.

[277] I didn't have to wag my finger at him.

[278] I didn't have to do the snotty tone.

[279] But I also wasn't begging him and asking him to do.

[280] And it made him feel like a grown -up.

[281] It makes your kids feel like grown -ups when you talk to them like that.

[282] And it will start to act more like that.

[283] Hey, thanks for listening.

[284] And I'll talk to you next time.

[285] Bye -bye.